#lie back and think of the mortgage

[pecanwriter]

Big Boy Mode: Activated

Themes: rapid weight gain, humiliation kink, technology-induced weight gain (so like, magic weight gain but for sci fi nerds I guess)

Words: 2947

Part: 1/?

"Hello, sir, would you like to hear about our newest product, the most revolutionary nanotechnology to date?"

Elliott really wasn't one to ever let some marketing lackey torment him with semi-logical babble about something he didn't even want to buy. But he was a technology whore, and just the mere mention of nanotechnology had him nearly salivating at the mouth.

He smiled at the promoter, stepping closer and trying to look at all the flashing screens at once. 

"Introducing SimNano or Simulator Nano. This revolutionary technology is the newest hit in terms of body augmentation and we're making record sales all around the globe."

The promoter pulled something from his pad to one of the screens. 

"The way this works, we inject nanobots into your body and connect their signature to your personalised control panel as well as a wristband, the wristband sold separately." 

He watched as on the screen a scrawny shirtless man selected a holographic projection of his body and added 50% more muscle to the model. He clicked "Active Mode" at the bottom of the screen and for a moment his entire body rippled in an unfamiliar way until he stood there completely buffed out, Captain America style.

Elliott blinked. He looked from the freshly buffed-out man to the promoter.

"How does that work?"

"The nanobots we inject into the client's system are capable of replication and imitation of any human tissue. However, they are only capable of growing, not shrinking, it's not a diet pill as many would hope so." The promoter laughed at his own poor joke.

Elliot chuckled obligingly but the phrase "they are only capable of growing" was bouncing around in his head trying to make him hard. 

"Is there a limit to what they can imitate? For example, if someone was missing a leg…?" He chose his words carefully, hoping the man would fall for his set-up and tell him exactly what he wanted.

The man's gaze flickered down to Elliot's leg and although Elliot had no such thing, he let the man assume he had a prosthetic. It was an unassuming lie, didn't hurt anyone, it was just better than even a sliver of the truth.

"Oh, they're absolutely capable of replicating a leg. As I said, they can imitate any human tissue, muscles, nerves, fat, even bones…"

When he said the f-word Elliot's cock jerked awake and he had to cover his crotch with the shopping bag he was holding.

"And are the changes permanent…?"

"No, that's not how it works, It's imitating and replicating the tissue in Active Mode, but as soon as it's Deactivated everything goes back to normal."

Elliot's cock was throbbing as he fought to maintain perfectly normal eye contact with the promoter.

"And while it's active, does it feel real or is it like a hologram or a model or…"

"Oh no, It feels absolutely real, that's why we are the leading company in…"

He prattled on but Elliot didn't listen, all he could think of was the phrase "it's only capable of growing" as his cock throbbed.

"How much is it?"

It was bloody expensive, as it turned out. Elliott put a sizable dent in the savings he was putting away to get a mortgage on a single-bedroom flat. But somehow, all he felt was excitement, there was no shame or regret to be found anywhere.

After he made his purchases he had to go to their branch store and get injected with nanobots. The syringe wasn't that big and he wondered if it would be enough firepower for what he had in mind. They scanned his body thoroughly to put the model into his pad and wristband and connect the nanobots to it. As a trial, the shopping clerk showed him how to give himself impressive biceps and everyone present at the shop oohed and awed at the result. 

The promoter was right, it felt absolutely real. The rippling Sensation Elliott saw in the video felt only like a slight cold tingling under his skin and then within seconds the impressive biceps appeared.

He deactivated his SimNano, thanked the clerk and left, struggling to walk straight with his dick pressing hard against his trousers.

When he came home he almost immediately tore off his shirt. He brought out the control panel on the band with shaking hands and clicked on the scrawny little model of himself. He moved his finger around, highlighting his midriff and ass. He clicked "expand" and then in the tissue subcategory he clicked "fat" instead of the pre-selected "muscle". You could put the desired amounts in body percentages or in units of measurement. He clicked on lbs, the most precise one, and tapped in 20(9kg). Then after a moment's hesitation, he erased it and clicked 40lb(18kg) instead.

With shaking fingers he clicked "Active Mode" and his skin began to tingle with the cold sensation. Seconds later Elliott was staring down at a round, fat gut and he could feel his boxers strain mercilessly against his expanded ass. 

He put the pad away gently and grabbed the ball of flab at his front. He was never this fat in his life, but it felt real enough, from what he could guess. He lifted the stomach and let it drop, watching it jiggle and wobble. A moan escaped him. He couldn't believe this was happening. 

Before even getting a look in the mirror Elliott fell to the couch, frantically gnawing his flesh with one hand and stroking his cock with the other. He never came this hard in his entire life. 

He finally managed to pull himself up into standing, revelling in how his gut was suddenly in the way and looked in the mirror. 

He laughed, the effect was ridiculous. Although his belly and ass looked fantastic and absolutely realistic, it looked ludicrous on his scrawny body which remained unchanged.

Elliott deactivated the band and reset the model. After a moment’s hesitation, he selected his entire body “Increase by 100% body mass” and selected “fat” in the tissue category. He considered carefully and finally decided to increase his ass and gut separately on top of increasing the fat equally around his entire body. 

Elliott’s finger hovered over the band, but before clicking the Activate button he checked the measurement box again and changed 100% to 200lb. Again, before clicking it, he wavered and finally ended up changing it to 300lb(136kg) with sweaty fingers. Adding 300lb to his meagre 132lb(60kg) would put him at a glorious 432lb(195kg), a fulfilment of a fantasy Elliott had since before he was even consciously aware of it. 

Eliott pressed the Activate button.

He was still standing in front of the mirror and he let out a gasp as the nanobots went to work, making his entire body shiver with the unfamiliar coldness, the feeling much more overwhelming with tasking them to simulate 300lb instead of a measly 40 he attempted at first. 

Elliott watched with intense, nearly blinding fascination as his body rippled slightly and moments later exploded into folds and bulges and rolls, becoming an unrecognisable mountain of flesh. He stared at the enormous gut, too heavy to be completely round as it hung in front of him almost like a massive, engorged flesh apron. His face was unrecognisable, swallowed by an enormous double chin and chubby cheeks, melting into the fat around his neck seamlessly. The man in the mirror couldn’t be him, could he? It was too good to be real… The fat man lifted his arm as Elliott lifted his, only his arm never had an enormous wing of fat hanging off it and jiggling as he moved. When Elliott moved his normal arm it didn’t send his entire massive body into wobbles, but the man in the mirror sure wobbled like an impressive jello dessert. 

Elliott grabbed his gut, an enormous, almost all-encompassing mound of flesh hanging in front of him. He grabbed it, lifted it as much as he could and dropped it. The way the flesh shook and jiggled forced a moan out of him. Already half-hard again, he inched closer to the mirror. Elliott could barely move under the unknown sensation of this immense bulk and he almost stumbled into his mirror, nearly crushing it. Just the half step made his heart race with excursion and his lungs begged for air. 

This SimNano thing was worth every penny, in fact, Elliott thought they were losing money. It was too good to be real. 

He turned off Active Mode, in a few seconds staring back at this familiar skinny self with an impressive hard-on. 

Staring intently, eager to catch every little detail, he pressed Activate again. 

Watching his body explode with fat, filling out with blubber in mere seconds and leaving him unrecognisable was so impossibly erotic that he climaxed just from turning the SimNano off and on again, watching himself gain hundreds of pounds in seconds. 

After he managed to somehow climax three times within the span of an hour he decided it was enough for one day, he was starting to feel light-headed. 

He tapped Deactivate. 

Nothing happened. 

He tapped it again. Still, nothing.

He stared at the band, but it appeared to be frozen. Frantically, he started waddling unsteadily to his backpack where the main SimNano pad was. Walking across the room to his bag while suddenly 300lb heavier was incredibly difficult and equally, if not more, arousing. His giant thighs were rubbing against each other, he could feel he was hitting his enormous apron of a gut with each clumsy step… The enormous behind he’d given himself jiggled with every step and so did his soft, blubbery tits. 

When he finally made it to his back and retrieved his pad Elliott was nearly ready to collapse with how out of breath he was. 

The pad was as frozen as the band was. 

“Fuck.” He whispered, looking into the mirror across the room. He was enormous, there was no way he could leave the house like this and he had a night shift at the bar today. 

It was 5 p.m., and he had work at 8, so technically, he still had time. He could just… Indulge for a while while waiting for the SimNano to unfreeze. 

Elliott laboriously waddled to the bedroom. He had a few pieces of massive clothing he sometimes wore while stuffing it with pillows and pretending he was huge. He pulled on a pair of tracksuit trousers. They could barely encompass his enormous ass. Even the biggest of his secret fetish shirts was snug on him now and his monstrous gut was happily hanging out at the bottom. 

The flat needed tidying up and he also had to cook to have something to eat after his shift when he would undoubtedly be too tired to do anything. 

He began busying himself around the house, every little chore making him hornier than the last one. Everything was a thrill, trying to wipe dust off the higher shelves and feeling how his enormous gut was hanging further and further out of his shirt, trying to wash dishes and finding that he could barely reach into the sink with the enormous mound of blubber in the front of him. When he went to clean the plastic shower door, something that he meant to do all week, he nearly got stuck in the narrow space and instead of trying to find the best angle to free himself he rubbed against the shower wall, making himself cum just with the friction against his fat body. He would’ve jerked himself off if the was any hope of reaching his penis under all that flesh, which there absolutely wasn’t.

With all the chores completed and with food prepped for later, Elliott went to check on the pad. It was still frozen. It was 7.20 pm.

He called in sick and trying not to freak out about it just yet he repositioned the mirror closer to the couch where he planted his enormous ass and began rubbing his flesh. 

There was no need to freak out, he was sure the NanoSim would reset overnight. 

*

Elliott woke up still on the couch and still as enormous as when he drifted off, exhausted by the almost constant sexual tension of the previous day. 

He tapped the band. Frozen. The pad proved to be in a similar state. 

Elliott tried calling the NanoSim Technical Support but they told him that there was nothing they could do remotely because there were health hazards involved, so he would have to come to one of their stores to get it reset. 

Which meant… Going outside as a 432lb man. 

Elliott ate his modest breakfast of a skinny man and wondered how it would look to an outsider, a guy who was nearly half-tone of blubber eating a modest portion of oatmeal. 

Before leaving the house he pulled on a beanie and didn’t shave his unimpressive stubble. There was no way anyone would recognise him, but he still didn’t want to risk it. 

His heart was pounding so hard that it was all he could hear as Elliott stepped out into the hallway. 

Usually, Elliott just took the stairs from the second floor he lived on, but there was no way he was going to take the stairs today, he could barely move with all that unfamiliar weight on him, his waddle almost a caricature of itself. 

There was a lady in the lift and when the doors opened she frantically looked between Elliott and the lift control panel informing all the passengers that the weight limit was 500lb. She was slim, but there was no way she was less than 100lb. 

“You go on” Elliott smiled at her and she pressed the button to close the door almost frantically. 

He wasn’t sure if he actually WAS 432lb or if the nanobots just made it appear so to him, but he wasn’t going to risk it. 

There was an Uber waiting for him, but Elliott had to cancel the ride when it turned out that he couldn’t fit in the car. 

With his dick painfully hard and trapped between mounds of flesh he selected a different ride, making sure it was big enough to accommodate for a massive hog like him. He barely fit and his gut filled his lap completely. The driver was visibly disgusted and Elliott’s already painfully hard dick throbbed under his apron belly. 

Waddling and puffing his way through the shopping centre to the SimNano store was the most humiliating and gratifying experience of his life. Everyone, without exception, stared at the giant man barely waddling his way through the halls, his too-small shirt riding up his enormous gut and his face flushed with the effort of putting all that blubber into motion. 

When he finally made it to the store he was heaving, his breath rasping and his entire body sticky with sweat. 

The only person in the store was the clerk, a teak-skinned man with a mop of black curls and bright, quick eyes. He was very much Elliott’s type and the fact that he had to talk to a handsome guy while his enormous gut hung out of his shirt and he was so out of breath was arousing beyond all reason. 

“Hello, I’m Omar, how can I help you?” 

“Hi, I… uff.. Sorry… I have a problem with my SimNano, the program froze last night and it’s still frozen.” He handed the man his pad, still trying to catch his breath. 

“Let’s see here…” Omar took his pad from him and when he saw the program the SimNano was frozen on he slowly looked back up at Elliott, his lips stretching into a mischievous grin. Elliott felt like his entire face was on fire. Somehow it didn’t dawn on him that the clerk would see the program he was running. If he could, he’d bolt it out of the store in embarrassment, but he couldn’t, not when he was this massive. 

“Let me just do some troubleshooting here.” Omar said, his smirk still on his face as he plugged the device into a PC and started clicking. 

“Alright,” he said a few minutes later. “It looks like I got it, but let me just check…” 

“What…”

Elliott watched with growing terror as Omar proceeded to add another 50lb(22kg) to his program and activating it. Elliott staggered back, feeling his gut hanging marginally lower, the waistband of his tracksuit digging just that much deeper into his blubber. 

“Just to double check, better to be sure.” Omar said, adding another 50 on top of that. 

Elliott had to grab onto the counter as the enormous weight started to threaten to topple him to the ground. He was heaving just from the sheer effort of standing up.

Omar’s cheeky grin was turning downright mischievous. 

“I think it’s working now.” the clerk said, bringing the program down to its original +300lb setting. 

“T-thank you…” Elliott panted, taking his pad back and thanking all the Gods that his gut hid his erection. 

As he was waddling back to the entrance Omar’s voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Ey, fat boy.” 

That nickname alone nearly made Elliott give an ungainly moan, right there in the middle of the shopping centre.

“Y-yes?” “Give me your number, I write NanoSim codes in my spare time and big improvement to the overall experience. I mean…. Huge improvements.” 

Omar’s grin was pure evil and Elliott was sure his own was no better as he gave the handsome man his number.

This was going to be fun. 

PART 2

[shalotttower]

Bound

Title: Bound

Fandom: Far Cry 5

Summary: It's been two months since you ended up in a bunker with Joseph Seed.

Word count: 1300+

Characters: Joseph Seed x Reader (female)

Notes: Bunker ending, soft (?) yandere Joseph Seed, forced proximity (non-sexual), character study, power imbalance.

What baffles you most is the conviction with which Joseph speaks of his beliefs. As someone who is used to doubt a lot of things and subject them to the most stringent analyses, it's astounding, and not in a good way.

It's not that you think the possibility of a superior, omnipresent, all-seeing being, capable of making miracles and influencing the lives of all men, is something unlikely or impossible. You simply don't think such a deity, if one existed, would waste time granting an individual the unique ability to hear their voice. And if you know something about god after a few years of Catholic school back when you were a kid, is that kidnappings, torture and mass conditioning are not on the list of virtues.

Joseph is eccentric. Even by cult leader standards. And the more he speaks, the more you want to bury your head under the pillow or chew on the bedframe until he stops. The problem is that Joseph doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. He's been talking for about an hour already; a little bit of the Testaments, a whole lot of the Book of Revelation.

Your bed isn't exactly comfortable and the springs dig painfully into the small of your back, but at least it has clean bedsheets. It's the only one in the bunker; there're two more in the medical room, but Joseph is keeping the keys from it somewhere only he knows. Every time the topic of sleeping arrangements comes up, he reiterates over and over, like one of those broken tapes, that you're sharing. "God provides" and "the Voice is benevolent" and the bunker is "prepared for the future family of Eden". You do your best not to think about the latter. The fact that you're stuck with him for the next...how long in fact? Four years, five, six? It's enough alone.

"You're not listening," he says suddenly, startling you.

"I am," you lie.

"You're not."

"I am," you continue, knowing well that you'll never win this argument.

He sighs, like you're a student who refuses to learn despite all his efforts. "What was the last thing I said?"

You shrug, and he sighs again.

"Please, child," he says, placing his book on the bedside table. He always does that, uses the word like it's a term of endearment, not a mark of his condescension. You want to object. You have a name. And you're as far from a child as you could possibly be: a grown woman with a mortgage (which doesn't matter now) and a stable job (that doesn't exist anymore), and friends (you don't know what happened to them). You don't tell him that though. If there's one thing you're sure of, it's that arguing with him is a waste of breath.

"The Flood," you say reluctantly. Joseph nods, satisfied, and you roll your eyes.

He likes monologuing. Back when you were cuffed to the frame, in the very beginning of this mess, he'd sit by your side and quote scripture or recount the events from his life; and you had to listen, because there was nothing else to do. At least now you can walk around, though it still doesn't stop him from pestering you whenever he pleases. There isn't a single spot where you could be completely alone — he hovers behind you like a shadow wherever you go. Sometimes it feels like Joseph Seed is everywhere: in every crevice of the bunker; on each surface; seeping through cracks; crawling up your skin, unavoidable, suffocating.

You wonder what will happen first — you going insane or the nuclear winter ceasing outside. Or maybe Joseph will run out of his formidable patience and finally snap your neck. You doubt the latter though. Joseph Seed seems unfazed by everything: insults, threats, pleas, curses, silence. He strokes your hair when you're not on your best days or holds your hands while walking down to the kitchen area, like he genuinely cares about you, or believes that he does. His hands are calloused and stronger than they look, much stronger, in fact; they hold you firmly by arms to keep you still when you try to wriggle out of his embrace during the night, and they also tighten painfully on your wrist whenever you attempt to leave his lectures before he allows you.

"Are you done?" You ask, interrupting Joseph mid-sentence. "I need to pee."

He pauses, looking at you for another minute before closing his book. That's something he does too during these sessions: makes you wait until he grants permission for even the most basic things like relieving yourself.

"Yes," he answers after a prolonged moment of contemplation. "It doesn't look like you're paying attention anyway."

You stand up, ignoring this comment. Joseph follows you with his gaze as you cross the room and disappear behind the door. You wish the bathroom had a lock at least — there's none, he says that seclusion breeds danger, probably cautious of suicide attempts. He has decency not to follow you in though. At least in that regard, Joseph respects your privacy, even though the concept is probably foreign to him.

You despise it so damn much: his presence, his touch, your forced proximity and those cold, piercing blue eyes. Joseph Seed unsettles you on a deep level — there's something fundamentally off about him, something you can't put your finger on from the start, but it's there, in the way he stares without blinking; in how calm and collected he remains even when you scream and kick when he just can't fucking get it and give you a moment to breathe. Joseph is unnerving, and his voice...his goddamn voice now haunts you whenever you're not with him, even here, in the bathroom.

And you think Joseph knows it. Of course, he does. It's written on your face, clear as day. He is perceptive like that, observant like few other people you know. But it doesn't deter him. He sees through the wariness that permeates your whole being, straight to your heart where he's nestled comfortably already, making himself a permanent fixture. Joseph Seed isn't going anywhere. You're both stuck here together until the very end of it.

You wash your hands afterward and glance at your reflection in the mirror above the sink. A pale face greets you in response — it hasn't seen sunlight for almost two months. Your skin feels dry no matter how many times you massage the ointment Joseph brought from the storage in it. There are bags under your eyes too. You wish he didn't care at all. Just let you be.

"Are you hungry?" Joseph asks, when you step out of the bathroom. You shake your head; there're some food leftovers from lunch, but you aren't in the mood for eating. He frowns slightly. "Child..."

"Don't call me that," you snap. You're tired of it, and feel like the period which has been absent during the first month will soon catch up on you. "I have a name."

"I am aware," he answers slowly. Joseph tilts his head to the side, considering you for a minute or two. Then, with measured steps like one would come to a frightened animal, he approaches and reaches out with his hand. The touch is soft, careful; it sends shivers down your spine and you try to retreat, Joseph catches you with ease, pulling you closer. His arm wraps around your waist in a gesture that's supposed to be soothing. Well, it's not. You struggle to get free, but he is stronger, despite his lean build.

"Let go," you protest weakly. Joseph hushes you and puts his chin on top of your head. You don't want him so close, it also frightens you how fast his touch grows familiar, as well as this sense of false security. Like he's putting a blanket over your eyes. His hand stokes your back, up, down, repeat.

"God sends us trials," he murmurs into the top of your head. "We must endure them. And I'll be here to help you bear this burden."

You want to gag, but swallow instead.

"I'll make some soup," Joseph adds after another moment of prolonged silence. He lets you go finally and retreats to the kitchen area with unhurried steps.

[esperanzagalaxy]

if you're still taking requests.... any other party members realising that Sasha, Azu and Hamid are all like. idiot 20-somethings ?? unless that's too vague! ❤️

 RQG requests #25, IDIOT 20-SOMETHINGS!!! i’m not going to lie, this request Was a little intimidating because i had no idea how to make this funny or channel their twenty-somethingness in any way so i- ahem. had to unearth some memories from high school where, uh. chocolate milk with rum was a thing? and it was cursèd but people made it anyway and it was kind of a meme so. um. here they are. enjoy ¿?

 in all seriousness, i fucking love this one. i think the fuckin faces and scribbles are on point, honestly. they’re all just SO no thoughts head empty. i love them. it’s been done for weeks and i still giggle whenever i see it. i relate to this holder-of-the-braincell grizzop but like, that was me at 16 to my classmates. yeah.

 anyway, i imagine that, after getting all fixed up, sasha Would be pretty down to do weird shit just because she’s alive. i love her. it’s what she deserves. i miss season 3

 thank you so much for this request!! <333 and shoutout to jerry van @crayonturtle for canonizing the gobfam 🙏🏽

 ID under the cut!

[ID: a five-panel digital comic of azu, hamid, sasha and grizzop. it's drawn with sketchy black lines on a white background, and the characters are colored with flat and bold colors. azu is a buff, tall black orc, with a shaved head, pink lipstick and white tusks. she has a pink breastplate, a long yellow shawl around her neck, loose yellow pants and brown boots. hamid is short, fat, dark-skinned and dressed in a dark three-piece suit with a green vest, and his purple cape. he's wearing gold make-up and his hair is dark brown, curly and slicked back. sasha is very pale, with shaggy black hair and an undercut, where the white patch is visible. she has dark circles and burns on her face. she's wearing a studded leather jacket, dark gloves and leather armor under the jacket. grizzop has dark gray skin, a scar on the bridge of his nose, dangling arrow earrings on his long ears, red eyes and freckles. he has a green coat with a high orange collar, pauldrons, and a silver breastplate. the comic goes as follows:

panel 1: azu is coming in from the left, with an excited smile and raising a big jug of chocolate milk in her left hand. she's shown from the chest up.   AZU: I found chocolate milk!

panel 2: hamid comes in from the right, hovering. he's also grinning excitedly and is holding up a red bottle with both hands.   HAMID: I got rum!

panel 3: sasha is on the center, from the chest up. she's pointing to her face with both hands and grinning in a manic way.   SASHA: Who wants to try mixing them in my mouth?!

panel 4: the camera pulls back to show the three of them further away, to the right, with grizzop watching them in the foreground with his back to the camera, sitting and polishing his arrows. sasha is screaming up to the sky, back to the camera, while azu and hamid come from either side of her holding their bottles, azu running and hamid flying. they both have cartoony, dot-eyed grinning faces.   SASHA: Fucking bring it!!   AZU: Eeey!   HAMID: Eeey!

panel 5: same angle and distribution from panel 4. in the background, azu and hamid are pouring down the milk and rum down sasha's mouth, pumping their free fists in the air. sasha stands a little unsteadily. grizzop is turning to the camera with an unimpressed, disapproving expression.   GRIZZOP: I have six kids and a mortgage. I am entirely too old for this.   AZU, HAMID: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!   SASHA (gurgling): Blrghughblhgbh-

end ID]

[scullysflannel]

I really do think having to watch the Doctor host a happy little backyard dinner party hammered home how uninterested I am in emotional stability on Doctor Who. Donna is my favorite companion and the Tenth Doctor era was the peak of my obsession, but the idea that this should mean I want to see them “happy forever” is so boring as a tv fan and so insidious in the context of this specific show, which has been built on the inevitability of change for 60 years. the thing about Doctor Who is that it’s optimistic and aimed at children and endless and therefore full of loss. it has to be both. and not to be presumptuous, because I understand that Russell T. Davies is grieving his husband, but in the long run I would think anyone who’s grieving will get more out of watching the Doctor carry on and find new people to care about than they will out of watching a fantasy where the Doctor regresses to an old face and magically gets a second chance with a friend he once lost.

in the language of the show, this happiness isn’t just narratively cheap but also kind of terrifying. this is the kind of thing we see in dream sequences that are killing the characters slowly. watching the show do it for real (unless we're really in for a surprise) is unnerving. it also asks us to forget something fundamental about Tennant’s Doctor: that no matter how human he seemed, he wasn’t. the tragedy that energizes his story is that he’s so close to the life he thinks he wants and he can’t have it. and it’s a two-way tragedy, for both him and his companion, because at different points they both believe the lie he’s telling himself (that he’s basically human), only to be hit with the reminder that he’s still so alien. he wants to not have to watch his friends grow old and die without him. he doesn’t want a mortgage.

what makes Tennant’s Doctor interesting is that his humanity also comes with a god complex: cruelty, pettiness, callousness, cluelessness, ego. he loves Rose, but he likes the idea of settling down with her more because it’s unattainable. and Donna — she was going to travel with him forever! he took her away from a boring life. it’s nice that she’s happy with the life she has now, even if it undercuts the tragedy that made her original ending so visceral, but I think making her so settled that she even domesticates the Doctor is overcompensating. it’s sanding down that tension again — that great tension between romanticizing everyday things like getting a taxi home and romanticizing running away from a life that makes you feel unimportant. again, the show has to be both. all the best dynamics in Doctor Who, at least new Who, are the ones that treat traveling with the Doctor as a kind of addiction; you have to feel the intoxication of it in order for the pain to hit.

on that note, I don’t get the suggestion that Donna could have given up her metacrisis energy this whole time and that Tennant’s Doctor just doesn’t understand that because he’s male presenting. Donna is the one who didn’t give it up 15 years ago. if she always could have given up that power, then the only explanation for why she didn’t is that she couldn’t bear to go back to being “ordinary,” and of course the Tenth Doctor, who can't let anything go (“I don’t want to go”), would never think to let it go either. it’s about personality. the idea that it all comes down to the Doctor’s current gender presentation is a bleak vision of regeneration, where everything one regeneration experiences, in terms of how their body affects their privilege, is immediately forgotten once they change. Fourteen isn’t exactly Ten, but bringing back Tennant as the Doctor and treating him like Ten (who moved through the world with the privilege of a white man) meant that the show didn’t really get to explore the aftermath of the Doctor presenting as a woman. am I meant to believe that their experience taught them nothing? rude to Jodie! and does that imply that everything Ncuti’s Doctor is about to experience isn’t going to affect how future Doctors understand race at all? isn’t that sad?

all this in an episode that doesn’t even mention Martha! the show’s first Black companion is now the only Tenth Doctor companion who doesn’t get her own personal Doctor, and they can’t even say her name. it’s been said on here before, but this isn’t about whether Martha would “want” her own Doctor (he’s her friend! I think she’d want to see him, although as this post puts it, she’d “rehome him within a week”). she’s a fictional character. it’s worth asking why Martha Jones was written in such a way that when she gets ignored, people will rise up to defend it as a sign of her independence. 

and it's unfair that Ncuti didn't get the normal regeneration sequence. even his TARDIS is a duplicate. the bi-generation feels like it leaves the door open for people to treat Ncuti’s Doctor as less legitimate. granted, those people would probably take any excuse, so you can't write for them. but as fun as it was to see the two Doctors team up (they should kiss), and as much as Ncuti is serving already, he shouldn't have had to share the spotlight. at minimum the bi-generation should have resolved by the end of the episode. now David Tennant is just looming out there until who knows when. also, the thing about sending Fourteen off to “deal with his trauma” is that it implies that Fifteen already did that, and I don't want that. the Doctor has to be haunted. what is Doctor Who about if not running from your past at warp speed? yeah, Ncuti’s Doctor should be at the club, but regeneration always gives the Doctor enough of a fresh start to have fun for a few episodes before the horrors hit; I don’t think he needed to be fully healed before hitting the club. 

when Jodie’s era kicked off we spent every week waiting for her to snap. full disclosure, I haven’t seen the Flux season, which apparently put her through it, but I don’t think her Doctor was ever allowed access to the full range of personality flaws that other Doctors have, which was unfair to her and also less fun to watch. I don’t want to see that happen to Ncuti’s Doctor; he deserves to be burdened, prideful, angry, rude, whatever. we can’t let the Doctor fall victim to the therapy-speak epidemic on television. he should get to be alien, and I want to see him snap.

[paperstorm]

wip wednesday

I was tagged by @heartstringsduet @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @thisbuildinghasfeelings @orchidscript @alrightbuckaroo @carlos-in-glasses @eclectic-sassycoweyes @lemonlyman-dotcom and @tarlosluvr

I said I didn't have anything to share and then I wrote oops so here have some sad Carlos:

-

“Come to dinner on Sunday.”

Carlos holds the phone away from his ear for a moment, squeezing his molars together. He hadn’t been thinking of all the things he isn’t supposed to be letting himself dwell on. He’d gone a few days this time, he figures, without letting those thoughts creep in. But they creep in as smoothly as if they’d been heartily invited, as he has to tell her, “I’m working, sorry. Maybe next time.”

“You’ve been saying that for weeks, mijo. I know you don’t work every single Sunday.”

“I’ve been picking up some extra shifts. Y’know, I have a mortgage now.” That much, at least, isn’t a lie, even if it feels like one because of the context withheld.

“A mortgage on a fancy downtown loft that we’ve never seen,” Andrea points out, an accusing note to her voice. “Is TK picking up extra shifts, too?”

Even as it makes his stomach churn to hear that name in her voice, Carlos doesn’t like the implication. He was unceremoniously kicked to the curb months ago, and it’s still his instinct to protect his former boyfriend. Carlos is not sure there’s ever been a more pitiful excuse for a man in history.

“Yeah, lots of them,” he says. “We have new expenses.”

“When are you going to invite us over?”

“Soon. We’re still not finished setting everything up.” His voice cracks. He covers it with a cough. He isn’t going to be able to carry out this façade forever, he knows that. He just doesn’t have a plan, yet, for how he’s going to break the news. It makes him feel sick to his stomach to imagine how disappointed in him they will be.

Andrea sighs. “Alright.”

“Give everyone a kiss for me.”

“Carlitos, are you …”

She trails off, and Carlos turns and leans back against the countertop. He wraps his free arm across his chest. “What?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Carlos presses his lips together and closes his eyes, squeezing them against the sudden threatening burn of tears. “Yeah, I’m great.”

“Alright,” she says again. Carlos isn’t sure if she believes him. He can’t tell.

He holds his phone too tightly in his hand after the call ends. For a moment, he just tries to breath. It comes in harsh, noisy pants, oxygen dragged unwillingly into his lungs. The he sets his phone back down, careful and deliberately gentle to keep himself from slamming it down onto the granite. He steps slowly back toward his dinner, where it’s probably cold now on the single plate. There’s seating for six, at this table, and every night for four months he’s set it for one.

Carlos sits back down. He puts the napkin back on his lap and picks up his fork. It quivers minutely in his hand. Looking up, Carlos’s eyes settle on the empty chair across the table. It should be occupied. There were supposed to be two placemats and two plates, two toothbrushes in the bathroom, two sets of shoes by the door, two pairs of pyjamas folded under the pillows on the bed.

There should have been laughter, here. There should have been movie nights, hands held, showers shared, kisses pressed to flushed cheeks. There should have been arguments resolved with whispered apologies and tight hugs. There should have been game nights with their friends. There should have been love. And the chair across from Carlos was supposed to have someone in it. It never has.

Tagging @theghostofashton @birdclowns @strandnreyes @reyesstrand @heartstringsduet @lightningboltreader @mooshkat @liminalmemories21 @whatsintheboxmh @inkweedandlizards @bonheur-cafe @reasonandfaithinharmony @thebumblecee

[ashprompts]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐃 (𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐔𝐒) — 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

a collection of sentence starters from the album by boygenius, "the record." feel free to alter pronouns/text as you see fit

"give me everything you've got, i'll take what i can get."

"i want to hear your story and be a part of it."

"who would i be without you?"

"speak to me until your history's no mystery to me."

"talk to me until the words run dry."

"i'll give everything i've got, please take what i can give."

"i want you to hear my story."

"it's a bad idea and i'm all about it."

"when you wake up, i'll be gone again."

"in another life we were arsonists."

"mama told me that it don't run on wishes, but that i should have fun."

"so many hills to die on."

"run out of gas, out of time, out of money."

"you're doing what you can, just making it run."

"take a break, make your escape."

"can you give me twenty dollars?"

"i know you have twenty dollars."

"she's asleep in the back seat looking peaceful enough to me."

"we're coming back from where no one lives."

"[name], i'm sorry."

"i just make it up as i go along."

"i can feel myself becoming someone only you could want."

"now i'm wide awake, spiraling."

"i'll get a real job, you'll go back to school."

"we can burn out in the freezing cold."

"you know how i get when i'm wrong."

"i can feel myself becoming somebody that i'm not."

"i'm 27 and i don't know who i am."

"you can't help but become the sun."

"when you don't know who you are, you fuck around and find out."

"it feels good to be known so well."

"i can't hide from you like i hide from myself."

"you already hurt my feelings in the way only you could."

"i remember who i am when i'm with you."

"your love is tough." / "your love is tried and true blue."

"you've never done me wrong, except for that one time."

"it doesn't matter anymore."

"who won the fight?"

"i don't know, we're not keeping score."

"i'm trying to be cool about it."

"wishing you were kind enough to be cruel about it."

"telling myself i can always do without it, knowing that it probably isn't true."

"it's impossible to pass your tests."

"i'm trying to forget about it."

"kindly get out of my head about it."

"once i took your medication to know what it's like." / "and now i have to act like i can't read your mind."

"i ask you how you're doing and i let you lie."

"we don't have to talk about it."

"i'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning."

"it's nice to see how good you're doing."

"we know it isn't true."

"it would only take the energy to fix it."

"i don't know why i am the way i am."

"not strong enough to be your man."

"i can't stop staring at the ceiling fan."

"spinning out about things that haven't happened."

"do you see us getting scraped up off the pavement?"

"i lied, i am just lowering your expectations."

"half a mind that keeps the other second guessing."

"always an angel, never a god."

"i think i've been having revelations."

"skip the exit to our old street and go home."

"go home alone."

"you live up in my head."

"i've been making music since you told me to do it."

"i just wanna know who broke your nose."

"figure out where they live, so i can kick their teeth in."

"if this isn't love then what the fuck is it?"

"i guess just let me pretend."

"i don't wanna die. that's a lie, but i'm afraid to get sick."

"if you're not enough, then i give up."

"i used to think if i'd just close my eyes, i will disappear."

"if you love me, you will listen to this song."

"i could tell that you were serious."

"it gave us more time to embarrass ourselves."

"i might like you less now that you know me so well."

"there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

"i am not an old man having an existential crisis."

"i never thought you'd happen to me."

"will you be a satanist with me?"

"mortgage off your soul to buy your dream vacation home in florida."

"tryin' to score some off-brand ecstasy."

"will you be an anarchist with me?"

"sleep in cars and kill the bourgeoisie."

"at least until you find out what a fake i am."

"spray paint my initials on an atm."

"i burn my cash and smash my old tv."

"will you be a nihilist with me?"

"if nothing matters, man, that's a relief."

"if nothing can be known, then stupidity is holy."

"if the void becomes a bore, we'll treat ourselves to some self-belief."

"oh, you know what i should do?"

"it's so hard to come back."

"you could absolutely break my heart."

"that's how i know that we're in love."

"i don't need the symbol of a scar."

"isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?"

"i feel crazy in ways i never say."

"will you still love me if it turns out i'm insane?"

"i know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway."

"damn, that makes me sad." / "it doesn't have to be like that."

"if you rewrite your life, may i still play a part?"

"i can't imagine you without the same smile in your eyes."

"there is something about you that i will always recognize."

"if you don't remember, i will try to remind you."

"i will go on and on until it all comes back."

"i'm out of my depth at a public beach."

"i never listened, i had to see it for myself."

"making peace with my inevitable death."

"i guess i did alright, considering." / "tried to be a halfway decent friend."

"an honest fool with more bad habits than you can count."

"was anyone ever so young?"

"breaking curfew with illegal fireworks."

"unpacking god in the suburbs."

"you don't have to make it bad just cause you know how."

"writing the words to the worst love song you've ever heard."

"an incantation like an anti-curse."

"i think that you're special." / "you told me once that i'm selfish."

"you said my music is mellow, maybe i'm just exhausted."

"you think you're a good person because you won't punch me."

"i love you. i don't know why, i just do."

"you're not special, you're evil."

"you don't get to tell me to calm down."

"you made me feel like an equal, but i'm better than you and you should know that by now."

"it looked like it hurt and i wasn't sorry."

"i should have left you right there."

"you don't know me."

"i wanna be happy."

"i'm ready to walk into my room without looking for you."

"i'll go up to the top of our building."

"i can't feel it yet, but i am waiting."

[syntheticavenger]

bespoke - three

Andy Barber x Married Female Reader

Word Count: 3K

Warnings: 18+ ONLY. Language, mentions of cheating (not on the Reader), heavy angst.

Summary | Living a less than desirable life and feeling like you’re drowning, decisions have to be made when you come to a crossroads after attending a summer BBQ.

Laurie hovers near the doorway, Andy silently moving through their shared bedroom while she clears her throat. Her head is still spinning from the amount of alcohol she consumed, holding the door frame for a moment to get her bearings back. She knows it isn’t a good look, let alone the way he hadn’t bothered to engage with her further.

“I know how it looked.”

Andy doesn’t engage with her, sitting down on his side of the bed, giving a short glance to the book on his nightstand. It’s a frosty reception, already adding to the mountain of issues that neither of them want to address.

“Andy.”

“What?” he snaps, his expression cold.

“You aren’t going to say anything? You embarrassed me in front of my friends.”

He scoffs at the notion, grabbing the book and placing it beside him in a bid to get her to think he’s going to read.

“You did that all by yourself. You almost told them what you did.”

“I should have stopped,” Laurie murmurs, closing the door to their bedroom, looking back at Jacob’s empty room. “I know my limit.”

“Right,” Andy huffs, shaking his head. “And yet you still kept going. Do you want people to know that you cheated on me? That the sole reason why Katie can’t come into this house any longer is because of you and her husband?”

Laurie covers her face as she exhales loudly.

“It was a mistake.”

“Yeah? A mistake that I walked in on you and Jared? Or a mistake that you didn’t mean to be caught in that position? I forget which lie you tell each time I remember it.”

-

Jon’s loud snoring wakes you up early, eyes bleary from lack of sleep. The events of the night prior come rushing back to your mind, shaking your head to rid yourself of the opinions that begin to form. There was something going on with Andy and Laurie but you know it isn’t your business.

Not when you have your own things to worry about.

As it stands, you dread checking your bank account, the balance lowering almost daily due to paying all the bills. Jon’s car went in for repairs that totaled over four thousand, something he hadn’t disclosed to you when he said he couldn’t help you with the bills this month.

You’d found that out on your own when the mechanic had called to see how his car was doing.

Another common occurrence when it came to being a team – you always were the only one to make sure things were paid.

Though you tried to push those thoughts behind you, your mind sours at the idea of getting another job to pay the bills, resentment making you move away from him while you pad toward the shower. Getting another job should be out of the question when your husband can easily help you with the bills – but asking always makes you feel like you’re pulling teeth, Jon reminding you that he pays for two bills plus his share of the mortgage, arguing that it balances out.

The five other bills on the table downstairs begged to differ.

Your shower time is sacred, eyes closing to let the events of the yesterday and even this morning wash away down into the drain. You’ve been working so much that your vacation has maxed out, your boss gently reminding you to take some time off, even urging you to do so.

And before you know it, Monday has crept up on you and with nothing to do. Still, you manage to move around the bathroom like it was any other Monday, brushing your teeth and doing your hair, stepping out to see Jon still fast asleep, even as his alarm blares in his ear. You want to pretend to go to work today. At least it would mean you could continue your routine. Your hand shifts from the muted pink blouse to a white t-shirt and a pair of shorts, looking at them with disdain before you pull them on and grab a pair of socks. At least you can take a walk around the neighborhood. Jon will be long gone – hopefully – by the time you return.

You know Laurie likes to run, something she’s invited you to do but you’ve declined more than once. She seems at peace with her routine, the Air Pods in her ears as she dedicates her time to listening to various podcasts. She takes shortcuts around places that you would never dare of trying, let alone even commit to such an early wake up time.

You can hear the close of the bathroom door before you finally leave the house, the brisk air hitting you for a moment that makes you almost reconsider before you think about Jon and how he’ll give you a pile of things to do that he could easily do himself. You try to remember what your therapist had taught you. Don’t dwell on the negative and think about the positive – what good he does and what he can bring to the relationship. Your head swivels to the light green lawn, rolling your eyes as you already know there is a notice in the mailbox from the HOA just waiting to remind you that lawns must be maintained.

“Morning!” Jacob calls out to you as he walks with his friends to school. You wave back, walking in the opposite direction as you spy Laurie’s SUV pull out of the driveway and head down the street, Andy’s Audi still parked in the garage. It doesn’t matter, you tell yourself, head down as classical music flows through your Air Pods. You’re already on the lookout for another therapist, one that won’t try to slip you a prescription for pills. You want a solution to your problem, most of the therapists asking you to find a common ground with Jon before you just stop going.

After all, it was getting lonely going when he refused to attend.

You’re already two blocks down when a car slows next to you, your senses heightened before the window goes down smoothly, Andy Barber flashing you a smile as he stops at the stop sign.

“Morning,” he says cheerfully. “I thought that was you.”

“Good morning,” you greet him, his eyes shifting up to the rearview mirror to make sure no one is behind him.

“Listen, I’m really sorry about the other night,” he apologizes. “Laurie… she usually isn’t like that.”

“It’s alright. Sometimes it happens. I hope she’s okay.”

“She’s fine,” Andy replies tersely, nodding for a moment. “I’ll see you around. Have a good day.”

-

Andy spies your car off to the side of the road, the flat tire in plain sight while you’re frowning on your phone, blowing out an irritated breath while your hazards flash, Andy parking in front you. You don’t see him until he lightly knocks on the glass, his eyes spying you sending a text to Jon before you open the door slightly.

“Hey Andy,” you start, your voice belying the expression on your face. He knows you’re upset, your hands gripping your phone while you try to smile. “A tow truck is coming.”

“Did you call Jon?”

“Yeah,” you blurt out. “Five times.”

“Five times,” Andy repeats, trying to rack his brain to think of why he wouldn’t pick up. “Maybe he didn’t see it.”

“He sent me to voicemail three times,” you reply icily. “He does that sometimes.”

“Sometimes? I’m sorry.”

He has nothing to offer except an apology. He is sorry – sorry that you have to deal with someone who should have come to your aid. He’s left work for Laurie just for a weird sound going on with her car, making sure it got to the dealer so she didn’t have to worry about it. You seem to have the world on your shoulders while you breathe a sigh of relief at the tow truck that parks behind your car. He doesn’t feel right leaving you alone, even if you seem to have everything under control. The tow truck driver looks at the tire, frowning for a moment.

“How long have you been driving with these tires?” he asks, crouching down to inspect them. “I can see the wires sticking out. You’re damn lucky that you only had a flat.”

“I know,” comes your reply, exhaustion lacing through your tone. “I meant to.”

“Meant to? This is dangerous. You could have popped a tire. These all need to be replaced.”

Your mouth moves into a frown, Andy watching you paw through your purse, trying to call Jon again before you give an irritated sigh and nod at the tow truck driver.

“Whatever you need to do,” you relent, the tow truck driver looking over at Andy.

“You her husband?” the driver asks, Andy and you shaking your heads no.

“A friend,” Andy offers. “How long will it take to get the car back to the shop?”

“About thirty minutes,” you answer Andy. “When I called earlier he said I’ll need to keep it overnight.”

“I can give you a ride home,” the tow truck driver offers.

Andy doesn’t like the way his gaze seems to linger, shaking his head as he looks over at you.

“No need,” he tells the driver. “But thanks. She lives across the street from me.”

“Alright, well, you have yourself a good day, Miss.”

Taking what you need out of the car, you watch the driver get to work, looking back over your shoulder before you look at your phone.

“Everything okay?”

“I didn’t expect to need four new tires,” you admit softly. “I mean, I knew they were bad but I guess I just forgot to make an appointment.”

“Life happens,” Andy offers. “But you’ll get them now.”

He opens the car door for you and you hesitate for a moment, looking over at him before you slide inside the passenger seat, letting him close the door.

He notices the way you keep checking your phone, eventually giving up.

“Thank you, Andy,” you speak up, Andy nodding as he slows to a stop at a red light.

“Don’t mention it. I was glad I was there to help. Any word from Jon yet?”

“No.”

“Well, hopefully he’ll see it.”

“I doubt it,” comes your quick reply. “Maybe once he’s home.”

Andy doesn’t want to ask because he knows that is prying but the need to say something, to remind you that it is a big deal that he calls you back, makes the words tumble out of his mouth.

“He has to know that you called him that many times. That’s an emergency.”

“I appreciate your thought process, Andy. For most people, they would.”

He’s silent now, picking up the hint that maybe your marriage is not as pristine as he thought it was. It isn’t that he doesn’t like Jon. He’s met him a handful of times, even conversing with him at the door with Laurie when she came over to welcome you both to the neighborhood. Andy knows that Jon is not the most sociable guy, choosing to spend his days off holed up in the house, never stepping foot outside unless needed.

Laurie had complained that she had invited both of you over multiple times and to no avail. It seemed that Jon had a hold on you that you took his lead – if he didn’t go, you didn’t go.

Until one day you did.

You’re mysterious to him in that way, choosing to be kind and polite, glazing over any issues you and your husband may have by focusing on the neighbors. Emily may be the resident gossip but she never has a bad word to say about you, a feat that Andy finds honorable. She has plenty of things to say about Jon, including how she finds it interesting that Jacob helps mow the lawn and that you end up doing most of the gardening work and anything else outside the house.

When Andy pulls up at the house, your phone finally rings while you answer quickly.

“I tried to call you,” comes your greeting. “Are you okay?”

Whatever Jon has told you over the phone has made you upset, your fingers pinching the bridge of your nose as you take in a shape inhale.

“Five times, Jon. I called you five times and you didn’t think to even call me back to see if I was okay?”

The voice on the other end is distinctly Jon, your phone pressed to your ear as Andy tries not to listen.

“So you had work to do. Couldn’t call me back because you were going into your office? Do you understand how that makes me feel? Thank God it wasn’t an emergency for real. No,” you answer him angrily. “Just stay there. Someone came and gave me a ride home. No, Jon, just forget it. Bye.”

You’re silent for several minutes, fingers searching for the handle.

“It’s okay,” Andy tells you softly, hearing your sniffle.

“Yeah,” you answer him flatly. “It will be.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No,” you deny, looking up at him with glassy eyes, forcing a smile on your sad features that makes his heart break. “Thank you for being there today. I appreciate you giving me a ride home.”

The door opens and you hesitate for a moment.

“And for opening the door for me. No one has ever done that for me before. Thank you.”

The door closes before he has a chance to say another word. Anger rises inside him at the thought of Jon before he realizes he’s still sitting in front of your house. When he looks up, you’re looking at him before you finally head inside.

-

Laurie is asleep, Andy pulling himself out of bed while he pads down the hall, checking on Jacob who is also asleep. The house is quiet, loud enough for Andy to be alone with his thoughts and with no distraction, he finds himself stopping at the window that overlooks your house. The light is still on and for a moment, he wonders what you’re doing and if you’re still up.

Or if Jon is apologizing to you and trying to make things right.

Andy surveys his surroundings, the glint of his wedding ring catching his eye as he pulls it off to examine it. It used to mean something. All of it did. His vows, Laurie’s vows and the sanctity of marriage that he had once believed in.

He won’t let his mind go to the way Laurie’s eyes had widened at the sight of Andy, trying to pull down her dress as he forced himself to tell Emily that he’d forgotten something in the kitchen, watching her go get it. Laurie would tell him that she saw her future with him shatter in his stare, all her hopes for them dashed in a single moment.

The garage door opening across the way gets his attention, the back up lights lighting up the night as your car inches backward slowly, the moonroof opening before the car pauses in the driveway, the garage door closing while your car sits idly. He isn’t sure why but he heads down the stairs, still watching your car before the urge to do the same overcomes him, grabbing his keys before he slips on his shoes, heading toward the garage.

-

The moonlight washes over your face, fingers gripping the leather steering wheel. Jon is fast asleep upstairs, another argument that he’d won, simply by shrugging his shoulders and mumbling an apology for not calling you back. You can’t sleep knowing that it isn’t acceptable, wondering what would have happened if something worse had happened.

It’s bad enough you had to spend money on four new tires – money that you didn’t really have to spend because the bills continue to pile up. But you can’t stay in this house any longer. Everywhere you go, you feel suffocated, turning to the outside where you currently find yourself, foot on the pedal.

You have no idea where you are going to go, only that you need to get away from the house for a little while.

Maybe half an hour.

Maybe five hours.

Once you’re on the street and you place it in drive, you don’t give another look at the house before you accelerate, your Lexus shooting forward. You’ll take the freeways, driving until you get tired or until your guilt comes back, hitting you like a wave as it usually does, not wanting to worry him.

Not that it matters if it happens to you. At the red light, you’re alone for a moment, until a familiar car pulls up next to you, the windows down as you peer across and look at Andy to your left.

“Late night drive?” he asks you.

You swallow, giving him a nod. Maybe you aren’t as alone in this world as you thought.

“Me too.”

At the green light, you lean forward, accelerating as you see him pass, turning onto the freeway as you follow suit.

There’s less cars on the freeway than you thought, placing your car into cruise control, turning on music before you spy him on your right this time. He’s keeping pace with you, looking straight ahead before you take it off cruise control, foot on the pedal as you’re careful to watch your speed. The last thing you need is a ticket and part with more money that you can’t afford to lose.

Weaving through the slower lines of traffic, you spy his Audi moving past you, your competitive streak making you go faster until you’re neck and neck, Andy looking over before he slows down, letting you go forward.

The rush you feel is short lived before his engine revs and he flies past you, a smile on his face under the lights.

With no police around, you speed past, Andy on your tail.

[gatitties]

Board games

─ Dbd x gn!teen!reader

─ Summary: Board games weren't made for friendly play, peace was never an option

─ Warnings: none

7 <  8 > 9

You hid behind a tree watching as the assassins' bonfire was a complete siege ─although no one could get hurt─ axes flew back and forth, throwing knives, grunts and even some logs were thrown directly from the bonfire they were in placed, scattering dust everywhere.

Well, you didn't expect a bit of 'family fun' to affect them so much, although considering that on the survivor side there were some fights, you had to imagine that the killers weren't going to fall short, but you didn't expect to see so much chaos. You started to listen to the Entity, you didn't want to mix the groups in your stupid ideas, it was enough that a single group formed such a show, oh god, you loved all this chaos who did you want to lie to.

"I hope you're happy, Michael has mortgaged my house and I can't even rip his brains out."

You watched as Freddy hid in the same tree as you, surely tired of trying to harm others without being able to use his weapon.

"It's not my fault that you don't know how to organize your earnings old man."

"Fuck you and your stupid games."

"You're just angry because you were the first to eliminate yourself, you're a crybaby."

"Fuck you whore."

"I also wish you a good night!"

You chuckled as he walked away, rubbing your hands together like your job here was done, walking back to your cabin so you could try and get some sleep if your shitty schedule felt like having a good one rest night. You slept like a little angel unaware of all the emotional damage you had done for those stupid games.

Now, maybe we can go back in time a bit to find out what caused the small fights on the survivor side and well... the madness on the killer side.

This morning you woke up quite upset, not that anything in particular had happened to you, you know, teenagers don't know how to feel many times and you just had that feeling of constant annoyance, anger against everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe it was because you were thinking about your family, maybe you thought too much and maybe you missed your parents a little even though they were not the best caregivers in the world. You hated being dragged out on some days to do 'family things' when you knew it was part of therapy with your psychologist, but sometimes, very rarely, you enjoyed that time with them.

Especially the days when you played board games, not for anything in particular, but you were a top notch liar and cheater for all kinds of games, you were a brilliant mind when it came to these games, because you never liked losing, you never lose.

So this led to the entity giving you a deck of cards, Monopoly, Twister and the most feared Uno.

It was not very difficult to convince the survivors, as always, they had nothing better to do, besides they were board games, who doesn't like them? Or at least, who had not played one at least once? At least it was that and not like the last time you had them play Just Dance without a break.

You won most card games, along with Feng Min, there were many complaints and everyone thought that you were in cahoots to give each other victories, the truth was that when no one was looking you hid a card behind you, until you shouted Uno when no one expected it. You weren't a big fan of monopoly because of its duration, so in that game you preferred to watch how Nancy looked like a businesswoman buying most of the streets, Laurie wasn't far behind, they were practically leading the game against Ace, Tapp and Nea, surprisingly Ace ended up winning for being a high roller, causing the girls to accuse him of being a con man and a thief.

There were harmless little fights in other games but nothing beyond that, nothing compared to a pitched battle in the opposite camp.

You didn't even have time to play anything much beyond Uno and a single game of Monopoly. You didn't know if they did it on purpose or not, but Frank always had that +4 ready for Freddy, the devil couldn't win a single game, but he wasn't the only miserable one, you noticed that everyone cheats, a liar catches a liar after all.

"Wait, wait, Danny, since when you only have two cards left to finish, just one turn ago you had to grab +2." He shrugged his shoulders concealing, you narrowed your eyes looking at his crossed legs. "Stand up."

It was not by your order that he obeyed, but everyone's accusing look made him reveal that... there was nothing under him, you looked both ways, on his left was Bubba and on his right The Deathslinger, you made the latter stand up, revealing a pair of cards below him.

"What the hell? These are not mine."

"For God's sake, it's not fair! Why am I the only one standing up? Don't fuck with me, come on, you don't have the balls to stand up all of you! Even you!"

He pointed accusingly at you, at your request everyone else who was playing got up, most had cards hidden somewhere near their seat, however you smiled brightly at Ghostface seeing that you had nothing to hide, not in this game. You weren't stupid, you wouldn't rat on someone knowing you've done the same dirty tricks, that's why you played fair in this game.

Things heated up in Monopoly, where money was made by threats of not paying dues on purchased streets, as with the survivors, you refused to play, preferring to play chess with Amanda as the chaos was only beginning to blame that board game.

Michael inexplicably got most of the property, making gold pretty quickly, his unflappable manner only pissed off Freddy, who was constantly in jail for not being able to pay, that even the Demogorgon ─who just moved the token back and forth as directed by Wraith─ had more money than him, well, he set off a small fight that ended in the chaos of the beginning.

It was one of your best nights of sleep, perhaps the conflict gave you peace of mind or exhaustion, either of the two, it was worth it as long as you could sleep, leaving it up to the Entity to stop your 'good deeds' towards her community formed by herself.

[tseneipgam]

"I ate and drank slowly as one should (cook fast, eat slowly) and without distractions such as (thank heavens) conversation or reading. Indeed eating is so pleasant one should even try to suppress thought. Of course reading and thinking are important but, my God, food is important too. How fortunate we are to be food-consuming animals. Every meal should be a treat and one ought to bless every day which brings with it a good digestion and the precious gift of hunger.”

‘Is there any language in which there is a word for that tender runnel that joins the mouth and the nose?’

‘We lived in paradise. We fled on bicycles to lie in buttercup fields, beside railway bridges, near canals, in waste land awaiting housing estates. Ours was already a suburban countryside, but it was as lovely and significant to us as the Garden of Eden’

‘I ate three oranges at eleven o’clock this morning. Oranges should be eaten in solitude and as a treat when one is feeling hungry. They are too messy and overwhelming to form part of an ordinary meal. I should say here that I am not a breakfast eater though I respect those who are. I breakfast on delicious Indian tea. Coffee and China tea are intolerable at breakfast time, and, for me, coffee unless it is very good and made by somebody else is pretty intolerable at any time. It seems to me an inconvenient and much overrated drink, but this I will admit to be a matter of personal taste. (Whereas other views which I hold on the subject of food approximate to absolute truths.)’

‘I gave myself up to that not unpleasing slightly mad feeling that always comes over me when I enter London, the catering anonymous feeling of returning into oneself in the great tragicomic metropolis when the bond of society, whether in train or car, is suddenly snapped.’

‘I felt a need simply to see a few ordinary human beings who were living ordinary human lives, having holidays, honeymoons, quarrels, trouble with their motor cars, trouble with their mortgages.’

‘Then I saw below me, their wet doggy faces looking curiously upward, four seals, swimming so close to the rock that I could almost have touched them. I looked down at their pointed noses only a few feet below, their dripping whiskers, their bright inquisitive round eyes, and the lithe and glossy grace of their wet backs. They curved and played a while, gulping and gurgling a little, looking up at me all the time. And as I watched their play I could not doubt that they were beneficent beings come to visit me and bless me.’

‘..how the story ought to end, with the seals and the stars, explanation, resignation, reconciliation, everything picked up into some radiant bland ambiguous higher significance, in calm of mind, all passion spent. However life, unlike art, has an irritating way of bumping and limping on, undoing conversions, casting doubt on solutions, and generally illustrating the impossibility of living happily or virtuously ever after…of course loose ends can never be properly tied, one is always producing new ones. Time, like the sea, unties all knots. Judgments on people are never final, they emerge from summings up which at once suggest the need of a reconsideration. Human arrangements are nothing but loose ends and hazy reckoning, whatever art may otherwise pretend in order to console us"

"One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats, and if some of these can be inexpensive and quickly procured so much the better."

"Today there is a pleasant very light haze over the whole sky, and the sea has a misleadingly docile silvered look, as if the substantial wavelets were determined to stroke the rocks as hard as they could without showing any trace of foam. It is a compact radiant complacent sort of sea, very beautiful. There ought to be seals, the waves themselves are almost seals today, but still I scan the water in vain with my long-distance glasses."

"'Come, darling, don't let your tea get cold. And look, I've brought you such a lovely present, a stone, the most beauti- ful stone on the shore.' I laid down beside her plate the elliptical stone, my very first one, the prize of my collection, hand-sized, a mottled pink, irregularly criss-crossed with white bars in a design before which Klee and Mondrian would have bowed to the ground."

"Thus people can be light sources, without ever knowing, for years is the lives of others, while their own lives take different and hidden courses. Equally one can be, and I recalled Peregrine's words, a monster, a cancer, in the mind of someone whom one has half forgotten or even never met."

"James said, 'Can you hear the sea?' 'That was Keats' favourite quotation from Shakespeare."

"I pulled myself up, knelt, and began to shake my blankets and my pillow which were wet with dew. Then I heard, odd and frightening in that total stillness, a sound coming from the water, a sudden and quite loud splashing, as if something just below the rock were about to emerge, and crawl out perhaps onto the land. I had a moment of sheer fear as I turned and leaned towards the sea edge. Then I saw below me, their wet doggy faces looking curiously upward, four seals, swimming so close to the rock that I could almost have touched them. I looked down at their pointed noses only a few feet below, their dripping whiskers, their bright inquisitive round eyes, and the lithe and glossy grace of their wet backs. They curved and played a while, gulping and gurgling a little, looking up at me all the time. And as I watched their play I could not doubt that they were beneficent beings come to visit me and bless me."

"Can one change oneself? I doubt it. Or if there is any change it must be measured as the millionth part of a millimetre. When the poor ghosts have gone, what remains are ordinary obli- gations and ordinary interests. One can live quietly and try to do tiny good things and harm no one. I cannot think of any tiny good thing to do at the moment, but perhaps I shall think of one tomorrow"

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

THE IDOL 1x02: Quotes

“- The girl’s mother died. (Destiny) - So, my mother’s dead. Is your mother alive? (Nikki) - You are somethin’ else. (Chaim) - People die. People die... all the time. (Nikki) - Are you fuckin’ joking now? (Chaim) - Everybody dies.” (Nikki)

“- So, you think you’ve got a bigger fuckin’ dick than me now, Princess? You wanna fuckin’ back it up a little bit and go through a little oral history of how we fucking got here? Because I am more than happy. (Nikki) - Well, thank you, Nikki, for being so predictable. (Jocelyn) - You’re welcome. (Nikki) - Fuck everyone else for being a fucking coward. (Jocelyn) - It doesn’t make any sense. We have a giant fucking hit. (Nikki) - Have some tact in the way that you say it.” (Xander)

“- I don’t wanna argue about it. I can’t have another incident like this. I can’t afford it.” (Nikki)

“- I think she looks like a really hot woman dancing at a strip club with hot strippers. (Xander) - But, off the record, do they seem gay to you? (Talia) - The strippers? The hot strippers? Do they seem gay to me?” (Xander) 

“- You’re really pushing it, okay? It’s great. Trust me. (the video director) - I don’t think it’s a bad thing to push for something that matters.” (Jocelyn)

“- You wanna just cancel today? (Chaim) - I’ll write a fuckin’ check right now. (Jocelyn) - Well, it’s like $450′000 for a day. (Chaim) - I don’t care. That’s how much it means to me. (Jocelyn) - Well, I care. (Chaim) - I really feel like we don’t have room for error here, and I just feel like this is gonna be like a fucking disaster, and it’s gonna be, like, really, really humiliating for me. (Jocelyn) - As much as you’re freaking out, they’re worse. All right? And if we do that, if we, like, pull out of today, to them it’s gonna be like, “Okay, so in two weeks, she gonna, like, pull out, of a 50,000-seat arena,” and they gonna pull the plug on the tour. I don’t wanna freak you out. - Yeah, but it’s not the same thing. (Jocelyn) - I know, but, to them, they don’t know that. So, look, whatever you wanna tweak, we’re gonna tweak. But first, you gonna show them that you got this, all right? And show you fully committed, crushing it and sell it. Look at me. Hey, baby. You got this.” (Chaim)

“- Owes a lotta people a lotta money. (Destiny) - This has been the last five year of my life. I’m in hell. (Xander) - I mean, you could always go back to singing and dancing. (Talia) - My big moment? Three episode? (Xander)  - You were great. (Talia) - Thanks. Off the record. I never fucking get a say, an actual say. I’m here ‘cause I love her and ... Yeah, I don’t know. ” (Xander)

“- His last place of residency was Hawaii. Before that, he doesn’t seem to exist.  - His name is fuckin’ Tedros Tedros. He’s from Hawaii. Did you know this? Who the fuck is this guy? (Chaim) - Sketchy as fuck. (Destiny) - Well, what does he look like? (Chaim) - He’s, he’s, he’s a person of color. (Leia) - Are you saying he’s Black? You can say Black. You’re allowed to say Black. Is he black? (Chaim) - Yes. (Leia) - Okay, he’s a Black guy.” (Chaim)

“- You didn’t know about this? (Destiny) - Jesus fucking Christ. (Xander) - Go have a lie down in that cozy trailer. (Nikki) - She said the glass broke on her thighs. (Leia) - A glass broke on her thighs? It fucking breaks my heart to see her like this.” (Chaim)

“- Take that into consideration when you’re writing the article. (Jocelyn) - I will. Absolutely.” (Talia)

“- She needs a break. (Nikki) - If you wanna be a star, you’re gonna have to push through the pain.” (Tedros)

“- You have to have this moment. It’s fresh and it’s early. I get it. (Destiny) - But I’ve already wasted everybody’s time. (Jocelyn) - I do not give a fuck about none of these people. Because none of these people would be here or employed without you.” (Destiny)

“- I just can’t keep covering half the mortgage, I’m really sorry. (Chaim) - I know, but you’re not listening to me. I’m telling you, I want to be bigger than this song. I wanna be a once-in-a-generation artist, and I wanna make music that lasts longer than my life. (Jocelyn) - But you’re, you’re hanging by a thread right now. You’re practically broke. You’re not putting out any new music. You’re not focused at all. I mean, you don’t like the song, I understand, but you’re not giving me any alternatives. At the end of the day, it’s not what you say, yeah? It’s what you do. (Chaim) - Right. (Jocelyn) - It’s what you make. It’s what you sing. Told myself I wasn’t gonna lecture you. I remember the first time I saw you perform. You’re 11 years old at Fox Hills Mall. You remember? You played “Fever”. The audience went so crazy, they made you sing it a second time. I never saw anything like it. Right? I mean, before or since. God gave you such a beautiful gift. I just want you to use it.” (Chaim) - Chaim, this is the only thing I know how to do. This is all I have. Please don’t give up on me.” (Jocelyn)

“- So is she a better fuck than me? (Dyanne) - Baby, nobody’s a better fuck than you. (Tedros) - You didn’t tell me it was a setup. (Dyanne) - A setup? (Tedros) - You said it would be good for the club. Yeah, but you made music with her. (Dyanne) - She asked me to.” (Tedros) - And guess what? Nikki wants to sign me.” (Dyanne) - Nikki? Jocelyn’s label? (Tedros) - Great... I can finally get that return on you. Have Nikki call me to negotiate.” (Tedros)

“- I missed you. (Tedros) - I can never tell when you’re bullshitting.” (Jocelyn)

“- Do you mind if I use you bathroom? (Izaak) - Yeah, of course. There’s one right... (Jocelyn) - I’ll find it.” (Izaak)

“- How did you get here? (Leia) - I followed you home. (Izaak - It’s beyond fucked up to say that to a girl)

“- Yes? (Leia) - You can’t trust me? (Tedros) - I trust. Well, I just met you, but... (Leia) - But do you trust me? (Tedros) - I’ll try.” (Leia)

“- I used to sing at a church in Ladera. Yeah, he heard me sing, and the next thing I knew, he signed me. (Izaak) - Wait, sorry. He signed... to what? What did he sign you to? (Leia) - Yeah, his label, his management. (Izaak) - Oh, he’s like a manager. (Leia) - Yeah. I mean, he completely changed my life. He transformed me. (Izaak) - Like how? (Leia) - By pushing me further than anyone’s ever pushed me fore. (Izaak)

“- They’re not canceling your tour, all right? (Tedros) - No. (Jocelyn) - You don’t think so? (Tedros) - No. Yeah, but I’m unreliable. (Jocelyn) - Unreliable? Who gives a fuck? Look at this. (Tedros) - Huh? I’m unreliable. They can’t rely on me. They can’t....(Jocelyn) - Yes, they can. You’re fucking... You are fucking Jocelyn, okay? They’ll figure it out. You are fucking Jocelyn, okay? The American Dream. Rags to riches. Trailers to mansions. That’s you, right?” (Tedros) - That’s me? (Jocelyn) - Yeah, you’ve been a star your whole fuckin’ life. You’re gonna forget how to do that now? (Tedros)

“- Delicious, juicy ass. Oh my God. I would fucking devour you. Yeah. (Tedros) - What are you doing? (Jocelyn) - Blockin’ out all the noice. You’re too distracted. Too much shit goin’ around. (Tedros) - I don’t know. I think I just have to give them somebody they can reply on. You know? Somebody they can..” (Jocelyn) - Fuck them. (Tedros) - Somebody they can invest in. (Jocelyn) - Fuck them if they can’t rely on you, then they’re in the wrong fuckin’ business.” (Tedros)

“- The night we meet, we talk about “When Doves Cry” and you got a fuckin’ Prince photo in your house? (Tedros) - Mm-hmm. (Jocelyn) - What are the fuckin’ chances. There are no coincidences in life. (Tedros) - I’m a mess. (Jocelyn - a beautiful mess)  - I’d bet a billion dollars on this mess. If only the world could see what I’m looking at right now.” (Tedros)

“- I wanna grab you by the as.... while I suffocate you with my cock. I want you to choke on it. Oh, yeah, just like that, baby.” (Tedros - seriously what’s wrong with you, you are not in a porno!!)

“- I mean, it’d be easier if I moved in, ya know? For work purposes. (Tedros) - I’d like that.” (Jocelyn)

“- That’s my family. We don’t like each other very much. Ohh, I’m okay with that. But it breaks my mother’s heart.” (Chloe)

[reynie-muldoons]

"A Gold Bar in Fort Knox" Liveblog!

Good morninggg. It's early here, but not very bright 😂 there's been a lot of fog the past few days.

Today's a fun day because season 4 of The Dragon Prince came out today too!! I can't wait to consume all of it and spam reblog things from the tag LMAO.

Anywaaay, I have some hot tea and brekkie, so it's new episode time. Spoilers under the cut :)

1:08 oh shit here we go, water polo raid

1:20 I bet they're above, like clinging to the wall or something

1:38 LMAO THEYRE DANGLING????

1:40 theme music my beloved

2:37 are they in like the boiler room?? That's kinda sick

2:50 OHHH are they plants?? Did Curtain's goons put them on the boat???

2:56 ayy same brain Reynie

3:12 Constance says "have faith in yourself". You go bbg 😂

3:36 they're just going to stay in the boiler room?? Do they realize how dangerous that could be, or how easy it would be for them to be spotted if a crew member came down for maintenance???

3:47 Constance has seen things

3:54 AYYYY blorbo

4:00 number two baby I love you but why are you going through the trash

4:08 both. both are correct. It's a scientific breakthrough that relies on manipulation

4:26 he's like "why, just why" 😂😂

4:34 LMAO why doesnt he want to tunnel? Do I detect some claustrophobia, hmm? 🧐

4:39 mold? Okay RE Village

4:49 HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE TO GROW MOLD IN EVERY BUILDING LMFAOOO

4:59 "I didn't sign anything 🤨" LMAO TRUE ENOUGH BABE

5:01 okay but "troubling, but clever" describes SO MUCH of this show hahahaha

5:11 bestie..... I hate to break it to you........ but he is simply not interested in things that arent control

5:35 "to show how much of a genius he was" early signs of narcissism maybe? Cause that's the vibes I'm picking up

5:46 I think I see where this is going. Mr B desperately wants to get through to Curtain, Curtain ends up getting him in a vulnerable place, ends converting him to the fake happiness shtick. Please let me be wrong

5:55 "well that was on his turf." "SO IS THIS." she has a point there dude 😂

6:03 CO👏🏻RRECT👏🏻

6:08 "and I would love to find a phone" number two wants to scroll on that dash 😂

6:10 "Rhonda and Milligan must be sick with worry" I know that's what she meant but it made me laugh all the same

6:21 ohhhh nooooo. NOOOO. "At least Rhonda and Milligan are at home, away from danger." NOOOOOO

6:26 HARD cut to the blimp in a storm 😂

6:39 Milligan my love your original arrival was set to be 25 hours ahead of the kids, I think you'll be okay with a slight delay

6:49 Miss Perumal, as always, you are lovely and composed despite being full of worry

7:03 RHONDA MY BELOVED 😂😂😂 You truly know someone's character from the way they treat service workers!!!

7:08 I love her so much ahshdjjd

7:11 every shot of this ship is just fucking gorgeous

7:17 okay if the sugar was so all-important WHY LEAVE IT OUTSIDE DUDE LMAO

7:43 the speed check comes back to bite them!!

7:49 he looks genuinely scared to deliver this news 😬

8:03 low blood sugar, a faltering marriage, and liens on his big shit. Poor guy. btw I looked up "lien", it's basically legal rights to keep something, like a mortgage

8:17 awwwww. they're adorable. protect them at all costs

8:56 oh dang, they stumbled upon the crew's party space!

9:05 "Constance wants a taste" LMAO KID

9:18 "the inflation rate in Portugal is alarming" lmao kid the inflation rate *here* is alarming too

9:18 what money are they even going to gamble though?? Surely they're starting with pocket change

9:39 oh my gosh the chips 😂

10:23 the crew with those sly looks. These kids are about to wreck house LMAO

10:29 DEATH OR GLORY

11:11 not gonna lie I know almost nothing about gambling so this is a little over my head

11:34 sunglasses? Wow, he saw the cards from the reflection on his eyes, that's impressive

11:57 I had two reactions to reading "Enzo's pies & pastries":

1. Stranger Things date night with Hopper and Joyce 🥺

2. MOOCHO?????

12:09 okay it's kinda sick that number two blends in with the lemons so well

12:20 another interview? And was that SQ on stage???

12:27 it was not SQ 🙃

12:33 "we've been expecting you" well that's concerning

12:47 their wardrobe choices are just. Strange

13:07 I think I just gagged

13:24 two things:

1. Every time we cut to Milligan I think about how good he looks in general. Well kept in that cute suit. He just looks nice.

2. WORRIED DAD IS WORRIED

13:36 awwww Rhondaaaa

13:48 "I am not scared" you fooled me 😂

13:57 "is a gold bar scared in Fort Knox?" ROLL CREDITS! Kind of!

14:09 and the dam breaks 🥺 the pain and mutual understanding from both of them makes this a perfect opportunity to open up

14:20 "but I'm learning that worrying is not a form of preparation" I need that tattooed on the backs of my eyelids, maybe then I wouldnt worry so much

14:31 awwwww 🥺🥺

14:49 damn 😂 the captain is becoming his own character at this rate

15:14 ....are they about to maintenance the ship?

15:27 LMAO STICKY

15:49 Sticky out here playing 5D chess

16:08 he's totally right, keeping track of the cards isnt cheating. It's just smart 😂

16:25 LMAO KATE WTFFF

16:52 you know, as much as they're talking about winning money, all they have is the chips. They need to cash out

17:08 Reynie, my love, I know you're trying to make a moral choice but in the long run that's pretty stupid. Also Sticky didnt cheat lol

17:25 they're innocent victims and so are Mr B and Number Two. The kids dont know this, but so are most of the acolytes

17:43 okay fair

17:56 yeahhhh idk how they thought the crew would take this

18:25 LMAO KATE

18:34 what the fuck was that Reynie 😂😂

18:48 yeaaaaahh that's kinda what I expected

19:15 wooow. Okay, not what I expected

19:29 why do I feel like the other boot is going to drop

19:40 wait huh? Did the guy just give them cash?

19:50 LMAO at least they have actual money instead of just chips

19:57 "you're an insult to real water polo players everywhere" KATE HAHAHA I bet she's been waiting to say that

20:23 "everything has an end, only a sausage has two" is that an actual German saying, can anyone confirm

20:33 ayooo this is the actual perfect time for Cannonball to find them

20:42 poor guy 😂😂

21:02 and there it is

21:27 STOP MR B'S FACE IS SO FUCKING FUNNY

21:52 HIS FACE LMAOOO. Apparently they clap at everything

22:20 "you have no idea who my parents are, do you?" He doesnt and neither does anyone else, so I'm all ears

22:40 I cant tell what's true and what's bullshit with her 😂😂

23:13 "the raw, terrifying beauty of nature's power" NOT HELPFUL CAP

23:19 oh shit. They're not making it to Lisbon, are they?

23:33 whooooa. So not only are they making an emergency landing, they're tossing everyone's stuff. RIP

23:53 the kids have officially met Captain Noland!! I've been waiting for this

23:59 "like rats." I dont like how he said that 😬

24:40 damn, are they about to bargain their maintenance services to dodge maritime court?

25:06 hey, play your cards. Cant hurt to try

25:22 "get us to Lisbon on time, and you go free" daaaaamn. Captain Noland is putting a lot of faith in them, considering this job means so much to him

25:35 the fruit 😂😂

25:50 what happened to "I moved on" hmmm? Hmmmmmm? 🧐 bitch

25:57 whoooa I did NOT like the shifting of his eyes over to Mr B. Super subtle but incredibly effective

26:16 fucking weirdo. Bye

26:36 LMAO IS SHE BUSTING HERSELF OUT IN THE PIE TRUCK

26:52 NICE

26:57 oh good grief they had to do this at night too. Get ready for a jump scare

27:21 daaaamn. Weird, eery.. I guess we'll find out what's going on later?

27:34 eughhh.

27:35 ugh he's doing the thing again with the rods and cones bs

27:47 okay I dont like that mr b is listening like that. Please dont get got

27:49 NO DONT LOOK AT HIM DONT DO IT EUGHGGJ

28:01 NOOO. NOOOOOOOO

28:12 oh shit they got there on time!! Cap looks good in the cap

28:16 OOOH THEY GOT THERE EARLY??? DANG!

28:24 one of those suitcases has the kids in it :) like for sure

28:47 ayyyy, there they are. That was smart!

28:50 awww the hand :) she's not going to accept but the gesture is there

29:00 god that was so sweet

29:04 AWWWW

29:16 AYYYY MARITIME JOB OFFERRRR

29:26 THE SALUTE

29:31 I'm sad to see him go, I want to know more about him!!

29:42 oh THATS why she stole fruit 😂

30:04 them 😂😂😂 give me that sibling dynamic

30:36 fair enough Kate LMAO

30:49 "Mr Benedict is not strong. he's a glass house held together by desperate optimism." Two things:

1. Standing tall and keeping yourself from crumbling when you're constantly in a state of self-sabotage seems like a form of strength to me. It takes so much to keep yourself going when it feels impossible to

2. Damn, she knows him really fucking well 😂

30:55 "that guy? Again?" I mean all of the passengers did have the same docking point, so yeah 😂

30:58 "must be hard to see" she knows he's jealous 🥺

31:08 omg did Sticky talk Reynie up??

31:11 OMG HE DIDDDDD

31:13 HIS BEST FRIEEEEND

31:26 AWWWWWWW

31:28 oh lord here we go again

31:37 this guy again! I dont remember his name

31:44 well yeah, that usually happens when someone's missing

31:48 ohhh I Dont Like that he's using their title, that shows respect for them, which means he's taking their threat seriously. Yikes.

32:04 yep. Yep. It's weird, and he's weird, and unfortunately, he's taking it seriously.

32:12 "I respect them deeply. Deeply enough to... treat them without mercy." BELGUHDOWHDHD EUGHH

32:19 ayyyy this is where the Portuguese on his name card comes into play!

32:21 dang he was really just in plain sight

32:26 I dont like that we cant see the driver

32:44 NO WHY IS HE SMILING DONT PROVE ME RIGHT

32:48 NOOO ITS OVER??? NOOOOOO

Okay I'm fucking shook??? You mean to tell me we have to wait a whole ass WEEK to find out what the hell's happening? Something something the driver works for Curtain, something something Number Two breaks out just to break back in, something something the adults have to improvise

Ahsjdjdjd 🥴 welp, time to scream and theorize. See y'all in discord, love you byeeee

[callmebrycelee]

NEW AMSTERDAM REACTION

This reaction is for the season 5, fifth episode titled "Grabby Hands" which originally aired on October 18, 2022. The episode was written by Graham Norris and directed by Lisa Robinson. Spoilers ahead!

Since my last reaction got a bit longish, I'm going to keep this one as short and sweet as possible. I want to start off by saying I really liked this episode. With each episode we are getting in this final season, I'm reminded why I fell in love with this series in the first place. This week's episode is all about good intentions and how our desire to help those we care about can result in them getting hurt or worse. Let's start with Dr. Lauren Bloom.

Lauren moved in with her sister at the beginning of this season despite protests from her friends and colleagues. Lauren wants to reconnect with Vanessa (Kathryn Prescott). Both of them have endured immense amounts of trauma which has resulted in them both becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol. Thankfully, Lauren has been sober for two years and has somehow miraculously remained so while rooming with her sister who seems perpetually drunk and high. Lauren has been faking taking shots just so she can win her trust. While Lauren's desire to re-establish her relationship with Vanessa is pure, her approach is all wrong.

At the end of the episode, Vanessa finds Lauren's sobriety chip and flips out. I felt so bad for Lauren in this moment but I also understand why her sister is upset. It would feel super violating to have someone come into your home, cozy up to you, and lie to you daily. What Lauren's done for the past four episodes can be filed under the category of manipulation. Again, I get that she wants things between her sister to be like they were before both their worlds came crashing down, but Lauren also needs to realize that her sister is an addict and just as she made the decision to clean herself up, Vanessa will need to make a similar decision. Sorry, Lauren. I'm #TeamVanessa on this one. I do hope things between these two can work out in the future but a lot of healing needs to be done.

Next up is Dr. Floyd Reynolds. When three patients arrive in the emergency room exhibiting the signs of a rare poisoning. When Max and Lauren figure out that the three patients live in the same building, Floyd leaves New Amsterdam and makes his way over to the apartment building. What follows is a montage of Floyd interviewing the residents of the building and learning about all the things that are wrong. Apparently the place is laden with black mold, rats, spiders, and a host of other issues that made me think perhaps maybe the building should be condemned or burned to the ground.

Allow me to digress for a bit. I get why New York City is so appealing. Having visited there back when I was in high school, it was a nice change of pace from living in a smaller town in the south. I loved how much culture was there. On any given day, there's so much to do. Museums ... Broadway plays ... sports ... the best restaurants ... I get why people visit the place. What I don't understand is why anyone would want to live there. On top of the rent being sky-high, it seems like everything is so grimy and miserable. Hearing these characters talk about all the money they pay just to live in a rat-infested hell-hole made me so appreciative of my small town life.

Once again, we have another doctor at New Amsterdam with good intentions. For some reason that's not readily apparent, Floyd becomes invested in wanting to solve each of these residents' issues. He suggests that maybe they pay extra in rent so the owner can afford to fix their apartment up. Naturally the residents poo-poo this idea because they barely have the money to pay rent as is on top of paying medical bills. Just when things are starting to feel hopeless for Floyd, he comes up with an idea that would involve the residents paying more, only instead of them paying rent, they would be paying a mortgage. New Amsterdam would foot the bill by giving them a loan. I do find it funny that the whole narrative of New Amsterdam, since season one, has been how broke the place is yet they are able to give out substantial loans to random people in the neighborhood but I suppose I'll overlook this detail in favor of celebrating what seems like a win for Floyd. 

A part of me thinks that when it comes to his personal life, Floyd feels helpless. Every relationship he has never seems to work out which is why he is too scared to try something new with Gabrielle, the new nurse at the hospital. By the end of the episode, it seems like he may be open to trying something, even if it's temporary. Oh, another funny part of this episode was Floyd trying to figure out what her name is after she didn't tell him in the last episode. Him making guesses felt very Rumplestilskin to me. Up next is Dr. Iggy Frome. While Max, Lauren, and Elizabeth are holding things down at the hospital, Iggy takes four of his teenage psych patients out for a day in nature. As he tries to garner some enthusiasm out of them, he notices they are more preoccupied with their phones than with whatever he is talking about. He pulls over and demands they turn over their cellular devices and he hands his own phone in out of solidarity which is such a bad idea. 

Speaking of good intentions, Iggy is concerned the teens may be too focused on their technology instead of the world that's around them. This is a valid concern, especially from a behavioral health provider. However, rather than be reminded of the saying, everything in moderation, Iggy overcorrects and his actions result in the five of them getting lost in the woods. Well, you know what they say, when it rains, it pours. Literally. After huddling near a tree during a pop-up storm, Iggy and the teens build a fire in the middle of the woods. What's interesting is that no one seems too terribly upset with Iggy for getting them lost in the woods.

Perhaps the funniest part of the episode is when a notification goes off and everyone looks at one of the teens who assures them the sound they heard was a bird. The notification goes off again and finally the kid reveals that while he did turn in his phone, he kept his iPad which has both power and a signal. With iPad in hand, Iggy is able to lead the kids back to the van and back to civilization. Iggy, it seems, has learned a valuable lesson. His good intentions backfired on him and someone, including himself, could've gotten hurt in the process. One of the biggest complaints about Iggy is how impulsive he is, especially in his personal life. Often his actions result in those around him - his kids, his soon-to-be ex-husband, Martin - getting hurt. I hope we get to see him spend the rest of the season growing because as I've said before, Iggy Frome is my favorite character on the show. 

Last up is Dr. Max Goodwin. Last episode, he got some pretty unsettling news concerning his health, however, we don't really get to deal with that this episode. Instead, we start the episode off watching him and Luna making breakfast. Luna is little and wants to help out but Max is too focused on making sure she doesn't climb up on anything or make a mess. He wants to keep her safe but ultimately she still gets hurt when she picks up a knife and cuts her finger.

Max takes Luna to work with him and Auntie Lauren patches up her finger. I loved seeing Luna interact with Lauren because it's yet another reminder of how the doctors are each other's family. With Luna's problem temporarily fixed with a finger stitch (ha, that rhymes), Max has to deal with one of his nurses getting arrested after she accidentally administered a fatal dose of a drug that killed a patient. The nurse's arrest has a ripple effect around the hospital when other nurses start second-guessing their actions out of fear of making a mistake that could get them sued or worse. 

Max is at his wit's end. On one hand he understands why people would be concerned. Nurses are the first line of defense in healthcare and if a mistake is made, especially one that results in a patient getting hurt or worse, the blame is almost always shifted to them. Max understands why these men and women are concerned but he doesn't think that healthcare providers should prioritize themselves over their patients. While I get where Max is coming from, a part of me thought to myself during this episode that it's easier for Max to have this view because he's a doctor and it's nurses who are feeling the brunt of this.

For once, there are no easy solutions to this issue and it's quite refreshing to see Max not be able to charm his way out of this issue. This is a very real issue and I'm sure there are nurses who watched this particular storyline and felt seen and heard. Ultimately Max's solution is to keep fighting which doesn't really feel like a solution at all. Accidents will keep on happening because accidents happen and fingers will yet again be pointed at the nurse who was involved. It's just a fact of life. However, with that said, Max's non-solution felt very realistic. So much of what's wrong in healthcare and in society, in general, is unfixable. The way the system is configured makes it next to impossible to implement any positive change and I'm glad this show is finally acknowledging that. It's a bleak ending to this particular storyline but at least Max is able to fix things at home.

At the end of the episode, Max explains to Luna that he loves her and wants to protect her and always will want to protect her. He also tells her that he has to find a way to let her be more independent without letting his concerns get in the way. See, Max gets it! Balance is the key! At the end of the episode, Max finds a way for Luna to help out with making breakfast that gives her independence while in a safe environment. I love seeing Max and Luna together. I know it must be rough being a single parent. I just hope that whatever is going on with his health is curable because Luna has lost so much and I don't want her to lose Max.

As I said earlier, this was a great episode. Sure, some of the plots were a bit shaky and the resolutions were a bit questionable, but ultimately I was thoroughly entertained by this episode. What made this episode particularly enjoyable is getting to delve deeper into these characters we've grown to love. Each of our characters learned valuable lessons about good intentions this episode and a few of them got hurt in the process. I do think Lauren will be able to make peace with her sister, even if it means they don't have a relationship. I think Reynolds will finally find what he is looking for, which is someone to love and for the person to love him back. Iggy is finally starting to learn that simply having good intentions is not enough. He's hurt a lot of people, including himself, and it was nice to see him take some accountability for once. As for Max, he's learning that life isn't fair and that sometimes instead of fighting to win, you have to fight to maintain. I can't wait to see what happens next! Until next time ...

[twojackals]

Time moves with or without you

Where to start.

We started the month with a rocky start when I pulled Anhur as my card of the week, and I already posted about that previously. Honestly after so many easy-going cards over a long period of time, I should have been more wary that something, at some point, was going to go down.

I admit I was not prepared for what followed.

I lucked out on a Nefertem pull for the week following Anhur and I gotta say, I really needed that. Healing and brightness were definitely a couple of things I needed in my life after going through the previous week (which was filled with tough but necessary things, not necessarily anything devastating it was just... time, as it were).

And I had a pretty good week, as anticipated. The card pulls, they are rarely ever wrong (and if I think they are wrong it's only because I may not fully understand).

I thought I was getting back into a rhythm of calm, but I was quickly put in my place the following week when the Sons of Heru came to visit.

A card alluding to Endings and Processes, and Protection along that path, was a tough pull, but it was made tougher by the actual events associated with it.

I don't think I could have planned for my direct manager's departure from my office. It was one of those relationships -- just a really, really good relationship, a strong bond of friendship and comradery and "us against the world (of the company, customers, etc)" -- that hearing about him leaving threw me into a spiral.

Now I already spoke about this in the Anhur post, so you can see that over there; however, the week of the Sons of Heru pull was the week he was leaving (on the Friday) and I didn't think much else of that card as a result. I admit to not going to my manager's going away party on that Friday because I didn't think I could bear it, and I also admit to being a little angry at him. I wouldn't have had fun. I would have started work at 6:30am and not ended up leaving the office until 8pm. No matter how much alcohol was involved, that would be way too much 'work'.

So I stayed home. And that was when the real ending began.

I received a phone call from our leasing agent. Our Landlord owns the condo and rents it to us through a realtor essentially. It turned out, the landlord wanted to come back and retake the condo, because our rent supposedly (it's a lie I'm sure of it) wasn't covering enough of the mortgage and it would make more sense for them to live in it.

Anyone who knows me, knows we have moved something like 10 times in 14 years. This was the first time we had been secure in a long-term place (for 3 years), and we were enjoying that. We had no intentions on moving, and we definitely did not have the money saved up to do it. Nevertheless, even though the leasing agent was being wishy-washy giving us the "maybe he will maybe he won't" non-committal garbage (a tactic to get us to leave so we will vacate and they will rent it out at a higher rate I'm sure, but unfortunately, when you have mental health issues, it works), and despite being broke, we decided to start looking for a place immediately.

We live in a place with 0.5% rental availability and the majority don't take pets. The ones who do, limit to one pet, and there might be parking for 1 car if you're lucky for an additional charge (sometimes included). Us? We have 2 pets and 2 cars. So take that 0.5% rental availability and just divide it a bunch of times, and that was our window. On top of that, due to my disability, I need to overlap rental apartments by 1 month (which means we will rent our current place and our new place for an entire month) in order to reduce what would otherwise be anxiety levels that could put me in the hospital.

It was frustrating to begin this search because honestly we were losing places before we even had a chance to see them. Most ads we responded to ignored us (probably they received such an overwhelming response), despite my doing up a beautiful rental resume with literally every detail in good standing that a landlord could ever want. The ones that did respond scheduled us in for viewings, only to contact me hours before and tell me we lost the place to someone else.

The first place we actually got in to see we a joke. We clearly explained to them on the phone that we needed parking for 2 cars. The woman on the other end of the line said "Oh, well, maybe we do, I will have to check... we can probably do something", and I said ok let's get in to see the place. Again they contacted me mere hours before the showing to tell me not to bother as it had been rented, but in a stroke of good luck we were updated a bit later that the interested party pulled out. Weird, but I'll take it. I then again reminded the person I was calling, that we needed parking for two cars and to please make sure that it was sorted.

She acted like she was speaking to someone from outer space. "Ohh," she drones, "I think we have nothing extra. I can check it. We can find out."

Angry, I admonished her through pointing out the fact that we clearly in no uncertain terms explained this was mandatory. What did she think we would do, sell our second car? We can't afford the rent without two jobs, and our two jobs don't start at the same time and are not in the same place. Public Transit is out for me due to disability. She then again started drawling it out "Well we'll check, we can check" and I said "Check... now." and she hurriedly said she would do so and check me back.

I waited awhile, way too long for someone who is actually a professional management company to check to see if they have a second parking spot available for us. What exactly are they keeping the records on -- napkins? Did she have to go around to each parking spot and see if a car was in it? (what if the people weren't home?) What could possibly take so long for what should have been a quick check of parking records.

Finally I texted her to let her know I'd have to leave in 10 minutes and needed to know for sure. She told me to come anyway as "I may not even like the place". That didn't fill me with enthusiasm but, again, for all the reasons posted above, we didn't have a lot of choice. So I take the drive down to Surrey, middle of the day, taking hours off work, to see this place where there 'should' have been two parking spaces available 'somewhere'.

I don't think I have to give you any guesses to where this is going to go.

Of course there were no fucking parking spaces, this whole damn thing is a bloody charade. To what end? I have no bloody clue. I arrive on site and can't find the rental office -- finally when I find it through texting, I am greeted by two very stern-looking individuals who have zero sense of humor and seem incapable of smiling even a little for the sake of basic human interaction, which my disabled brain interprets in the worst possible sense. On top of that, the one showing me the apartment can't stop staring at my damn headscarf and I start quietly wishing I had left it at home (but why the hell should I!).

The apartment was 'fine'. We could have lived there. But again, like I said, there were no parking spots. Even though I had asked multiple times for them to make sure there were 2. One would be available, one not. I asked, can we park in visitor's parking at least until a spot can be located? "Wellllll...." she droned on, "you're not supposed to."

You're the damn building manager, you get to set what we can and cannot do. You dragged me the hell down here. You figure it out! And basically that's what I told her, but in kinder words: we need help and need them to give us suggestions. Do they know of street parking around? (I couldn't find any that would be reliable myself). Can they make an exception to visitor's parking? Can they do anything that would warrant dragging a person down here in the middle of the damn day to see this shit-hole? (again the place is 'fine' but these places are definitely what some people might describe as 'ghetto').

So she walks me back to the rental office but stopped me well outside the door. The fact that I was not being invited in was a bad sign and I knew it. I resort to begging. I tell her we're amazing tenants. We have fantastic credit. We did not lose our jobs in the pandemic. We have never missed a rent payment in our lives. We are the best you can possibly get for this unit, all you have to do is find us a parking space.

With an expressionless face, she shrugs. "I can check again."

Because 'checking' worked so well the first time.

I asked her, please do not rent this place to someone else before you really do check. She agrees. "Ok, ok," she says.

I then go to my car and literally start calling around to other places. As I thought, they ghosted me and never followed up again.

-------

So that was a pretty big blog post, and I'm going to write the second part, just... in a bit maybe. In a separate post. Join me back here either later today or maybe tomorrow when I talk about the next step of this overall journey.

[raymondvelez]

Bottles in the hallway

Okay. So the truth is this. Before I grew up and changed my life around, I used to be in these streets. No bitches, not like that. That’s ya’ll ho ass girls these days. I mean I was in these streets getting real money. I’m talking it’s 1990 and I’m putting niggas on. Yes, I was really getting it like that. And yes, given the year, it was crack and only crack. Look, Before I became a banker and dealt with mortgage collapses and recessions, I was taking full advantage of another epidemic. As a matter of fact, this was actually the last weekend before I was finally starting my very first job as a banker. Liberty Savings in Logan Square was the first bank I worked at. And I was gonna start on Monday. But on this particular day, it was Saturday morning and I was getting rid of the last of my work to an ex-boyfriend of mine in the Lakeview projects. Oh yeah. My business card currently says Jacklyn Hernandez Vice President of Financial Sales and Services but I usually just go by Jacky. Anyway, it’s like fucking 8 in the morning and as I approach the third floor staircase of those urine stained steps, I noticed a baby bottle on the floor. Not too suspicious, cause let’s be honest it’s the fucking projects right? Anyway, so I get to the top of the 3rd floor and who do I see at the end of the hallway? A two, maybe three year old Los Cruz barefoot in nothing but Mickey Mouse Huggies screaming bloody murder. I’m not gonna lie, one of his Titis was a customer of mine. So I had seen him around before but he always seemed safe because his cousins were always watching him when they weren’t too busy fucking the dealers who worked for me. Anyway, I immediately pick him up and he stops crying instantly.

“Where’s your cousins?” I asked him not expecting him to talk yet. And he didn’t. But he pointed to the door of the apartment I knew he lived in. I start banging on the door cause at this point I’m pissed. No answer.

“What’s your name, Papa?” I asked him rhetorically using a baby voice.

“Carlos.” He mumbled.

I banged on the door even harder. Still no answer. At this point I can’t just leave him by himself. But I can’t call the police because the trunk of my- - I had a GMC Suburban at the time; but it was full of enough kilos to put me away for 20 years at least. Anyway, I decide to go back to my truck and hold on to him and maybe somebody will come outside looking for him.

“How the fuck he get away, nigga!” I heard a lady say downstairs.

I started to rush down the stairs thinking it was one of his family members but it wasn’t. It was two fucking hypes. I’d never seen them before but the male hype was holding the baby bottle I spotted earlier. When they saw me carrying Los as I came down the stairs, they both took off running. My heart dropped when I saw this because I knew something bad was just about to happen to him and didn’t or possibly already had. Something told me to go back upstairs and try knocking on the apartment door one more time before I took him to my truck. But by the time I got to his floor, a door opens up way down the hall about 7 doors from little Los’ apartment. And guess who pops out? My ex bf and Los’ cousin Tanya who usually babysits him.

“There he goes!” My ex said.

Tanya’s hair was a total mess and she had one Air Jordan on as she limped over. Tanya reached over to grab Los without saying a word to me and I pulled him back from her like he was my own son.

“Bitch, where were you?! He could have got kidnapped.” I shouted.

Tanya smelled like weed and looked like she had been laying down all day. Tanya eventually grabbed Los from me and went to her apartment without a word to me or my ex.

“You’re fucking her too, huh?” I said.

David gave me the same old dumb look he always gave me when he was about to lie.

“Don’t say anything, nigga. I don’t even wanna hear it. Just get the bags out the truck and have my money ready in 6 months.” I said handing him my keys.

[takofoodtruck]

About 2 weeks ago or so, my father passed away. Because of this, I began a more than a week long marathon of packing and heading home from Japan and then driving 2000+ miles to Missouri. Oh, I also had covid, which was actually the easy part. (I didn't travel until recovered and not contagious)

Coming back to Missouri has been.. challenging.

This has been a trip of revisiting old trauma, unlocking memories that I had forgotten, learning things about family that I'd probably rather not know, and finding out that at least a couple of family members are much more supportive than I thought.

In a way, it's good that this happened before I'm further in my transition. I can easily guy-mode as I only have small buds and a slight change in curve/muscle.

I learned that one of my brothers is much less supportive of me being trans than I thought. He used some very mean spirited slurs towards me that do not bear repeating. I worry that the bridge has burned, despite me reaching out. I worry for his relationship with his fiancée, as I don't think she agrees with his position.

Returning for the funeral and seeing some aunts and uncles, but not many of my father's old friends really hit home how he was likely faltering in his ability to control the narrative around himself except with those that were long distance.

I had to hold up his lies one last time, despite telling myself in therapy that I would never do that again. It was hard to determine what version of my father people knew. The churchy preacher? The hardline red hat type? Only his younger sister knew the real him, maybe hia brother that didnt come, but sent flowers..

Though, I couldn't keep it up forever, so a few more now know the abusive, lying, mean person he usually was. That everything was transactional. Love, care, everything was a voucher that he would later cash in or use for further gaslighting or abuse.

I also learned that one of the last bad situations he'd been in was likely not a lie, his side of the story was likely the truth, and no one believed him. If I feel bad about anything for my father, it's this specific thing.

On the other hand, I have been playing "find the hidden loaded guns that his grandkids could have found" for a week now. I'm up to 3. I think that's all of them.

He also had 2 cats that were not planned for. His dogs were at other homes to be taken care of when he passed, but no one was caring for the cats.. I made sure they were calmed and fed/watered and eventually got them to the humane society to keep them healthy.

Cleaning up this dirty, awful house after growing up being abused mentally and physically for something as simple as leaving out a couple water cups in the sink as a child has been a major flip for my brain.

There's nearly nothing worth passing on or keeping here. All the furniture was ruined by his dogs, he only ever got cheap junk or whatever the red-hat crowd media told him was "good". There's "survival" gear, but half of it doesn't work or is such bad quality it's just landfill waste at this point.

It's really odd finding some of my own things from middle school and high school still here. Despite this being my first time at this house. Erasers, sketch books with my pages cut out and filled with his or his late wife's notes. Nothing worth keeping, but lots of junk. Boxes and boxes of junk.

The house itself is massively settling. I have no clue how he got a mortgage for this place. We're talking with a lawyer that he was working with to handle that. We'll probably have to sell it at a loss or, hopefully, turn it over to the bank.

We hadn't talked in a few years except for him doubling down on being a prepper/irresponsible with firearms/threatening minorities if they "came for him".

I've had several one-sided conversations with him in this house since he passed. Mostly about all the hidden loaded guns he had around the house and how he had no clue how to take care of a gravity drain septic system.

A few times I have wondered "why did I even come back for this" but I'm glad I'm here to help my brother. Our other brother went home. I don't blame him, I just wish him well and hope he betters himself.

I look forward to going home and putting all of this behind me. Closing this chapter of abuse and putting it away so I can finally heal from it and move on.