#like bro saves all of hyrule and then just??? after?? the?? cutscene??? nothing changes???

[save-the-villainous-cat]

I HATE NINTENDO

[vomiting-out-words]

Twilight Princess [Maybe to Be Continued?]

Session One - May 29th, 2018

Ordon Village, The Twilight, Faron Woods(Twilight), Forest Temple, Kakariko Village(Twilight), Death Mountain, Goron Mines, Lanayru Province (Twilight)

Information Trash -

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is the thirteenth installment of the Zelda series. The game was originally going to be released on the GameCube in 2005 but ended up getting released the following year with the release of the Nintendo Wii in 2006; only the be released on the GameCube a month later. Ten years later; it was released in a high-definition version on the Nintendo Wii U, with the GameCube control style. Nearly nine million copies of the game were sold before Breath of the Wild had taken the title of best-selling title in a series in April 2018.

Session One - Session Two - Session Three - Session Four

Let’s Get Down to The Dirty -

Ever since the Christmas of 2010; when the Limited Edition Red Wii came out with Super Mario Bros., we also got it Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Since then; every year I seemed to spend a couple of days playing the game over again, and to see how long it takes for me to get through it. So, I am back at it again this year, and and I finally agree that I shall write a review for it because it seems like a good one to do the first review with. Not to mention it was the first Zelda game that I actually played from start to finish by myself.

So, I started the game up, since I was babysitting my younger sister who had injured herself over the weekend and couldn’t really go to school. It’s been awhile playing on the Wii because I’ve been playing like Stardew Valley and other things on the PS4 and computer so it was really weird to be swinging my arms around, but it was a good workout.

Twilight Princess takes place hundreds of years after Ocarina of Time; within an alternate timeline from The Wind Waker, which leads the game to be in the Child Timeline. But I am not even going to get into the Zelda timeline because that is a can of crap that I don’t want to even get into right now, but maybe later. You; the player, plays as the recurring protagonist; Link. A young Hylian male who is once again trying to save Hyrule from the threat of the mirror realm; the Twilight Realm. A very original idea, Nintendo, but it seems like you pretty much reused it for Link Between Worlds.

Like pretty much every other Zelda game; Link lives in a small village, with some very average life; and somehow knows how to wield a sword; among many other things; with or without and explanation on how he learned such things. Thank god it’s kind of assumed on how he learned it in this game. Ordon Village is as far south as you can get in Hyrule, and far enough away from Hyrule Castle that Link has never really been exposed to a whole lot of Hyrule. Not to mention he’s like the other able person to protect the village from dangers while working his day job as a rancher on a goat farm passed the mayor’s house. So, as the player; you get like 10-20 minutes into the game doing really boring shit; like herding goats, having to make children happy by spending your own money, then going off to save said children because apparently they don’t listen, but when do children ever do, before having to try and get your horse back from Link’s love interest; while during that scene of getting Epona back, that’s where all the shit goes wrong.  Literally; they pretty much put in a love interest for Link in every game, and the love interest is barely apart of the story and is never mentioned ever again. So, Nintendo is really trying for romance, but they are putting so much pointless crap that doesn’t need to be there. Which isn’t the shit that blows up in their face. 

So, Bulblins come brushing into Ordon Spring; knocking out both Ilia and Link, and somehow getting only four children of the village; Beth, Talo, Malo, and Colin. Though how Beth, Talo, and Malo got taken is literally unknown to the player considering it was only Link, Ilia, and Colin at the Ordon Spring with Epona. Anyways, Link gets dragged through a dark wall that splits the Ordon Province from the Faron Province; being brought into the Realm of Twilight, which should have made him into a spirit that literally has no idea what is going on, but surprise, surprise, the Triforce of Courage influences Link by transforming him into a “beast” wolf. Now, Ordon is perfectly fine thanks to the Ordon Province Light Spirit; Ordona. How that Light Spirit is stronger than all the others is beyond me even.

Skip to Link waking up chained up in a prison. He’s more surprised then freaked out about what has happened to him; which makes this boy pretty laid back, more so than most people, which is very odd because anyone in Link’s situation would be having a clear heart attack or something. A few moments pass and here comes an imp-like chick; Minda. Who literally taunts Link until finally setting him free, only to really make him her minion. With Midna’s instructions; he takes her to someone to explain to him what in the world is going on. While the player already knows where Link is, and who he is going to meet; until right before he gets to meet the person; Midna tells him that they’re at Hyrule Castle. Literally pulling something out of a Disney Guide, Link breaks into a tower and goes into a room at the top to meet no other than Zelda. While Nintendo spent so much time building up this very scene, it was very anticlimactic all around. Link and Midna ditch Hyrule Castle as soon as the cutscene is done and with Minda’s little ability, they are taken to Ordon Province, right at the Ordon Spring where Link finally gets to talk to Ordona; telling him what he needs to do now.

Midna instructs Link that they need a sword and shield first before they head off to the Faron Province; meaning Link heads back to Ordon Village; due to the fact that the player knows that there’s, in fact, a sword and shield there. While doing some sneaking around to get these things; Link finds out that the children have been kidnapped as well; along with Colin’s father; Rusl, being injured while going to look for the children. Pretty much getting the things, Link heads to the border of the Ordon Province and Faron Province and goes through the wall once again to be brought back to the Realm of Twilight, only to pretty much to almost get his head chopped off by Midna; who has no clue how to wield and sword and shield or at least the shield bit. Link should have died much earlier than this by now, but he’s the hero of course; and he can’t die because he’s got the Triforce of Courage, that he had no clue about until Zelda told him.

The player pretty much heads straight for the Faron Spring, where you see a cloud of glowing dust over the water before meeting the Light Spirit; Faron, who asks Link to go find the Tears of Light to restore the Spirit from this state. These Tears of Light are being held by- I am literally just going to call them fireflies, but just deadlier and huge assholes. Once that is finished, Link is brought back to Faron Spring and changed back into a human; but in the Green Tunic of the Hero; the typical Link uniform. Faron points you in the direction of where you need to find what you are looking for, which Link has no clue since Midna literally doesn’t give out that information just yet about what they are looking for.

Welcome to your first dungeon; the famous Forest Temple. Which is pretty much the actual tutorial of the game. Since before; that was all really grunt work, and nothing was really other than just running around doing tasks, which is the game has a lot of if you’re willing to spend like a day in enjoy area getting everything. Something that I never do when I play this every year. Pretty much, the entire task of this dungeon is to collect monkey’s, that the game makes you think are assholes; but Talo is just an animal racist. The dungeon holds two mini-boss’ and one main boss; all of which are super easy, seeing as this is the tutorial. The item that you get from this dungeon is from the first mini-boss which is the King of the Monkey’s, you see him when you first get to the temple, he smacks his ass at you. The Gale Boomerang is something that you do use pretty much throughout the entire game; and of course, plays a huge part of the dungeon. The second mini-boss is right before the boss key, and is a pushover compared to the battle before it; thanks to the Gale Boomerang. Finally, you go to the boss.

Diababa is some weird looking creature that is in poison water. The thing is just terrible. With the Gale Boomerang and help from the Monkey King, you beat the boss with the legendary three hits rule and that entire dungeon takes about fifteen minutes tops; maybe twenty if it’s your first time through it. You get your heart piece along with a Fused Shadows, a piece of it, considering it’s been broken up into four pieces, Midna has one of them on her head. You learn a little bit more of it; that with they hold an ancient power that could help them fight Zant; the King of Twilight that started this entire mess. But they are across Hyrule and they need to find them.

With Faron Woods done and dealt with, it is time to head to the Eldin, after Faron tells Link that he’ll find the people that he is looking for. So, with that, they head off and entire the Realm of Twilight once again. On their way, Link finds a broke wooden sword; his old wooden sword that he had given to Talo. Sniffing it gives Link the scent of the children leading them to Kakariko Village, where Link meets the Light Spirit; Eldin, who also needs Link to gather it’s lost Tears of Light. While on the hunt; Link comes across spirits and finds that it’s the children, but no Ilia. Who is not mentioned, literally, you seriously don’t hear anything about Ilia for a while, or does anyone make mention of her.

While the rest of the children are scared, the only person who really is calm is Colin; who tells the others that Link is coming to save them, he knows it. Link is obviously touched by this, because he’s right there listening, and it kind of motivates the player to continue of this task just because of the sake for Colin. Collect the light, and once back as Link, the children see him and come running, all so happy to see them. Renado; the shaman of the village, who has been taking care of the children with his daughter; Luda, fills Link in on what has been happening. The Gorons’ had a sudden change in behavior and that Death Mountain seems very different. Link attempts to head up to check it out, but gets knocked back down, when returning to the village, Link runs into Renado; who tells him that the mayor of Ordon Village; Bo, has challenged the Gorons’ before and won, earning their respect. But right before Link starts to head back to Ordon Village, Epona comes rushing down the road from the other way and Link is finally back together with his horse, making the trip back to Ordon much easier and quicker.

Link learns how to sumo fight, which is pretty cool to bring Japanese culture into the game, but it is a Japanese game, but that’s beside the point. Once after defeating the mayor during the second round, he deems you right to fight, while giving you a little gift of the Iron Boots, to keep Link on his feet. Return to Death Mountain and start the climb to the top. While there, the mountain is erupting like crazy, making it pretty hard to dodge falling rocks and keep from getting knocked down by Gorons’. Finally to the top, Link ends up getting challenged by Elder Gor Coron. Once through that fight, then you learn of what is going on. The Gorons’ have been keeping watch over the Fused Shadows piece for generations now, and with the mountain acting up, they went to investigate, which lead to the Goron Tribe Patriarch; Darbus to be cursed and go on a rampage, so they locked him up deep in the mines.

Now with access to the Goron Mines; the player heads down to the second dungeon of the entire game. Which is literally just fire and lava everywhere. How Gorons’ mine from this, is literally a mystery because there are millions of safety concerns that they don’t seem to be bothered about at all. With this boss key, you have to go and find the other Goron Elders that are all holding a piece of the key. Along the way, you use the Iron Boots, and obtain the Bow and Arrows with a mini-boss fight with this huge Goron that is protecting the item is of the previous hero. With both, the player spends the rest of the dungeon with those items collecting the key pieces from Gor Amoto, Gor Ebizo, and Gor Liggs. Finally with the key put back together you go down to fight Darbus, who has been transformed into the Twilit Igniter Fyrus. This boss has to be one of the easiest out of the entire game, considering it’s just making him fall and go whack his head. The Forest Temple boss was easy as well, just more time-consuming.

With that out of the way, pick up Bombs first before heading to the Lanayru Province. Trying to get to the spring is a bit of hassle considering the player has to jump off a bridge because there is a time limit before Link is burned alive thanks to asshole enemies. Jumping down towards Lake Hylia and realizing that there is practically no water, but thankfully landing into the water that is left is a god sent. Link kind of wanders around until finally figuring out how to get to the spring and start on collecting to Tears of Light for Lanayru. While this takes you to Castle Town because Link finds Ilia’s leg pouch and followed the scent back to a bar, where she is seen worrying over a Zora boy.

Quick backstory on this boy; he’s actually the Zora Prince, who was coming to the castle to tell Zelda about what has happened in Zora’s Domain since they were attacked by evil people as well. You meet this Prince’s mother after you help Eldin; telling you that her son is out there and if Link could please find him seeing as she was publicly killed in front of all the Zora’s.

Now, after that little moment, Link heads up to Zora’s Domain, where it is freezing for some reason. Going further up, and still not seeing at Zora’s, they reach the throne room where they look down to see that all the Zora’s are trapped in ice. Midna warps something from Death Mountain that had fallen on your way up there to deal with the Fused Shadows. Freeing the Zora’s just in time too, because they probably would have died. Noticing that there is a mark missing, before it magically pops up on the map back at the lake, getting back down there quickly thanks to the fast current of water after defrosting the Domain. Que boss music; literally to close off this segment of the game; you fight this huge, gross bug and finally finish collecting Tears of Light, that you never have to do again for the rest of the game.

Link learns about the Fused Shadows from Lanayru, stuff that Midna would never tell him due to mainly being ashamed of her past, of her tribe, but she doesn’t really mention it until much later in the game, but she does hint at it a little bit after each time finishing a dungeon.

With that done, Link has to head back to Kakariko Village to go sell his bombs to get water bombs or the player can figure out how to get more bomb bags, though personally you only really need two since, in the entire game, you really only need regular bombs and water bombs. Then return to Castle Town to reunite with Ilia… Who has no clue who you are and is very worried about the Zora boy; which brings Link to escort Telma; the bar owner, Ilia and the Zora Prince. This had to be one of the worst things to do besides collecting all the Tears of Light. I was more than glad that it was only once that I had to do this because you had to focus on some many things to do that it was overwhelming and you want to throw your controls at the tv. After that mess was dealt with, you get the Zora Armor as thanks.

With this, Link can finally head to the Lakebed Temple and get the final Fused Shadows.

But this was where I decided to end the first session considering was I just relaxed with just having those parts behind considering I knew that I was about to be in store for a lot more hurt when I picked the game back up again the next day, which doesn’t help with jerky controls, but then again, the batteries were dying in the Wii remote, so that was partly at fault.