#like dude I am too autistic for this shit I can only read what IS there

[katyspersonal]

That's like me first time seeing this

Also, while I was desperately trying to find where 'Agatha' came from, I've ended up looking at official DLC guide that I've never seen before ( x ). I never was able to lay my dirty hands on official merch of this kind (and now never will again), but looks like I was kinda wrong:

All five of you remember my interpretation, right? I find it strange because not only all clues towards Willem still being important and relevant in the Healing Church are still in the game plain and clear, but also even in Japanese title for Laurence, his status refers to "the guy that replaces the ACTUAL leader of [religious institution]" ( x ).

It does not change... too much? But yeah, I will have to loosen my theory up and properly keep Willem as someone who stayed behind in Byrgenwerth, simply writing it as Healing Church still had contact with him (that secret cave in the woods, Yurie the Last SCHOLAR(!), that Church Giant in Lecture Hall, Byrgenwerth doing the Fishing Hamlet yet that's considered Church's secret, Willem and Byrgenwerth being aware of Laurence's Moon Presence and Gehrman even asking Willem to free him etc)... until it was declared "forbidden" later, for the same reason why Oedon Chapel ended up rumoured as cringefail place. I was moving towards it anyways, but now just more certainly! So, Byrgenwerth and Healing Church WERE in tight contact even after Laurence started doing his thing but Willem didn't help to found shit, he just layed back and watched the youth learn from their mistakes lol.

This also means that this altair is more likely not how Willem used to look, but Laurence, when I thought the opposite was true:

On the other hand:

The guide confirms what already was in the game but is often glossed over by the fandom; that Fishing Hamlet massacre was order of WILLEM and not Laurence and even devs say there is legit connection, that Willem wants us to hunt Rom and that Amelia was not a direct successor of Laurence but there were other Vicars that can make cool OCs!

Otherwise, nothing new was learned! Just that fiiiiine, I will return Laurence his proper role and push Willem back to be little to none active in Healing Church's life like it was meant to be. I wish I've seen this statement on the nose before, and not some vague cutscene with many other things in the game pointing towards a different interpretation 🙄 (@val-of-the-north come begrudgingly sing the Wrong Song with me xd (Okay I am joking, like I said it barely changes our story, just makes Willem elbowed away stronger. he still dresses like a pope tho so Byrgenwerth totally was a theocratical school)).

..... ah, shit, right, Agatha

Yeah me and the girls figured out that it was just a placeholder name that stuck and no official source ever called Chapel Dweller that. Not even in the same name as how Djura used to be called Guyla in promo materials, like... ever. Chapel Dweller was and IS a nameless babygirl.

[tangledinink]

raph fans come get y'all juice. chapter four of i'm sorry, teenage mutant what now? is up! read it on ao3 or below the cut!

[ prev ]

Okay, fine, he’d admit it. Dad was acting weird. 

Like, weird weird, not regular weird. Their dad had always been weird, which Leo had always chalked up to 1.) him being their dad 2.) him spending time in Hollywood. But this? This was off, even for him. 

Last night, he spaced out in the middle of one of Mikey’s stories, and Leo still wasn’t sure if he had literally fallen asleep with his eyes open or if he had just accidentally astral projected to the Twilight Zone or something. Of course, they had all then proceeded to say the most absolutely asinine, insane shit that they could think of in an attempt to goad a reaction until Mikey finally managed to snap him out of it by throwing some lentils at him. The day before that, he caught him rifling through that old shelf of weird knick-knacks that none of them were allowed to touch, muttering to himself the entire time like some crazy supervillain. Like, dude, had some ancient ninja ghost replaced their daddy, or what? ‘Cause this was getting freaky. He had kind of just thought Donnie was overreacting, but maybe he was onto something…

He hated it when Donnie was right. It happened annoyingly often and he could never admit it, lest he risk his twin’s ego becoming even larger. There’s only room for one egomaniac in this family.

“Think we can corner Dad on the train ride home and find out what’s happening? That way he won’t be able to run.” He said, casually, inviting himself into his twin brother’s room and tossing himself down on their bed.

 Donnie pulled his eyes away from whatever robotics project he was currently tinkering with in order to glare at his brother, spinning around in his desk chair.

 “Groan. Do we have to? That sounds unpleasant at best.”

 “Hey, you started this in the first place. And you agreed to the plan,” he countered, pointing accusingly at the other. “You don’t get to back out now.”

“I’m not saying that I’m not worried, or that I don’t think someone should talk with him. I’m just saying that I don’t want to do it.” Donnie defended.

“Bummer. You’re participating.” Leo deadpanned. “Between you, me, and Raph, we might have half a chance. And if not… Well. We’ve got the big guns waiting at home.”

 Donnie shuddered a bit. The Doctor.

 “I don’t know. Based on historical data, there’s about a 76.4% chance that Dad will attempt to bodily throw himself out the window of a moving train if we try to talk to him about his feelings.” 

 “Do you think we can find a train car without windows?”

 “I’ll do some research. I’m sure there are specs available online...” Donnie sighed, turning back around to face his desk and pulling out his phone.

 Leo hummed softly, knowing that Donnie would, in fact, actually do that, whether or not it was realistic.

“I’m serious, Donnie. We actually have to talk to him.”

“I mean, yeah, sure. I am too. But what the hell are we gonna say?”

“Ugh. I don’t know! You’re the one with a therapist! And you’ve been seeing her for how long now? Shouldn’t you know how to do all the talky-feely shit by now?”

“I’m autistic.”

“So?”

“You should get a therapist.”

“Off-topic,” Leo muttered, rolling his eyes. “This is, like, weirder than he usually is. Like… Something is for real wrong. It’s kind of spooky.”

“It’s Mikey.”

Leo scoffed. “It’s not Mikey.”

“Yeah, it is. He started being weird right after Mikey lit himself on fire.”

“Mikey didn’t light himself on fire, Dee.”

“Well, he clearly did something . And Dad keeps looking at him like he thinks he’s gonna combust at any moment. There’s a very clear pattern of behavior, Leo.” He insisted. “Also, you don’t know what the hell Mikey did, either, because we both know he wasn’t just playing with matches in his room.”

“He might have been.” Leo huffed. “That kid is way more fucked up than we give him credit for. Remember in the fourth grade when someone destroyed his science fair project?”

Donnie shivered. “You don’t just forget something like that, Leo.”

“Exactly! Playing with lighters is totally within the realm of possibility.”

“There’s a difference between enacting violent but justified revenge and doing simply dangerous stuff just for the fun of it.” Donnie countered, glancing up at the other through half-lidded eyes. “Plus, he’s used to all of us doing dangerous stuff for the fun of it! Dad wouldn’t react this way if he was just worried Mikey was gonna hurt himself. He deals with worrying Mikey is gonna hurt himself all the time. Nor would he let Mikey get away with this with nary a punishment if that were truly the case. In the very least, Dad doesn’t think the event was the result of Mikey just ‘playing with lighters.’”

“Oh, so what? It’s magic? His notebook magically caught on fire?” Leo challenged dryly, giving his twin an unimpressed look.

“Of course not. I’m a man of science.” Donnie scoffed. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation, but, admittedly, I haven’t been able to intuit exactly what the cause was just yet. My investigation is still ongoing.” He sighed. “... But maybe Dad thinks it was?”

 Leo paused for a moment, rolling the thought around in his head, frowning a bit.

“You think Dad thinks Mikey magically caught his notebook on fire?” He questioned, raising one brow in doubt.

 “It’s possible,” Donnie said, shrugging. “We know that he’s superstitious.”

 Leo hummed softly, his hand automatically moving to spin the small silver bracelet on his wrist, running his fingertips across the smooth edges of the blue crystal in its center. One in a set of five. He supposed that that was technically true… ‘Superstitious’ wasn’t really the first word that would come to mind if he was trying to describe his father. It wouldn’t even be in the top ten. But slapping actual good-luck charms onto each of his children did kind of automatically sort him into that category, didn’t it?

 He knew his dad had a small altar in his room, and they would occasionally celebrate, or at least acknowledge, Japanese holidays that he had grown up with. But they didn’t have any other charms or amulets in their home, at least not that Leo knew of, just old knick-knacks and trinkets that lived on shelves or in closets. They had never gone to a shrine or temple or church or anything of the like in their lives, and he had never heard his Dad pray before. But the bracelets? He had always been really invested in that. Leo literally couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t all worn them. He had told them since they were small that they ‘kept them safe ,’ and it had been a hard rule their entire lives that they weren’t to be removed.

 It was the kind of thing that Leo was pretty sure people would think was weird if he brought it up-- so he usually didn’t. He used to think it was weird, too, honestly, and kind of dumb. I mean, they were just bracelets, right? So what did it matter? But he remembered the one time he had tried to take it off when he was around seven. Even now it was absolutely vivid in his brain every time he thought about it.

 He hadn’t been trying to rebel or make trouble or anything, he had just been bored. He forgot exactly where they were, but they were waiting in line for something at some building with lots of desks and people milling about, discussing boring things. And there wasn’t anything to do! He had exhausted all viable options for entertaining himself: Annoying his father. Annoying his brother. Annoying his other brother. Annoying his other other brother. So he had basically run out of ideas.

 He hadn’t even taken the bracelet off. I mean, not all the way. He was just messing with it, kind of yanking it up and down his wrist, and seeing if he could wiggle it up his hand over his knuckles--

 But god, he remembers the way his father’s voice sounded when he caught him, biting out his name like it was painful. He remembers the look on his face, and even now it makes him feel small.

 Not because his dad was angry. But because he was scared.  

 He had never seen his dad look that way before in his entire life. Like he was about to watch the entire world crumble down around him. 

 It was scary. His dad was scared, so he got scared, too. He shivers a little bit at the memory, his frown deepening. They had left shortly after, and Dad had assured him at least twenty times that he wasn’t mad, and he was sorry for scaring him, and it was okay, but that he couldn’t take the bracelet off. It was important.

 Leo and his brothers had kind of decided after that that it probably was important and that they really shouldn’t take them off. Leo wasn’t entirely sure if he completely believed now that they actually ‘kept them safe’ or whatever, but he had certainly believed it then. And besides that, clearly, their father believed it, and that alone was enough for him. It was too small to really get off now, anyway. They had grown enough that Leo doubted he could wriggle his way out of it even if he wanted to. It was a small miracle that Raph hadn’t busted his with how damn beefy he had grown, but hey, he wasn’t gonna look a gift horse in the mouth or anything.

 “Okay. Fine.” Leo conceded. “So, Dad thinks Mikey has magic hands, or whatever. What do we do about it?”

---

The train ride over to the swim meet was relatively calm, filled with idle chatter and conversation. Leo, Donnie, and Raph had met their Dad at the station after school, and they spent the trip discussing the new leaf Donnie's Monstera was growing, the most recent viral street magic video Leo had seen, and the latest funny thing Raph's swim kids had done. Raph attempted, unsuccessfully, to prod their Dad into sharing as well, but the most he got was information about the latest reality show episode he had watched. Their Dad wasn't always the biggest sharer, but usually, they could at least get him to discuss the state of his Dojos, any new acting prospects, or celebrity gossip. He loved celebrity gossip! But not today-- the conversation stayed squarely focused on his three sons.

 Still, it had been pleasant, even with the slight stirring of anxiety in Raph's stomach. They were all busy more often than they weren't, so it was always nice to get to spend any amount of time together. Their pops didn't always attend all their various sporting events, recitals, or other competitions-- it just wasn't realistic. There was only one of him, after all. But they were getting towards the end of the season at this point, which meant that all the 'important' events were beginning to crop up on their calendars. Their Dad hated to miss those-- even if they did go pretty much every year. He always said he wanted to ‘brag about how talented his children were.’

 The sports center was just a short walk from the train station, and Raph glanced down at their father as they made their way into the bustling lobby. "You know where you're goin', pops?"

 "Yes, yes, of course. I could give tours of this place." His father joked, his frame shaking with his laughter. "You boys know how to find me if you need me. Now, go and have fun. And also, kick some butt!" He encouraged with a toothy grin.

 "You got it, pops!" Raph assured, smiling wide in response, herding his two younger brothers off to the locker room. Usually, they'd come here with the rest of their team. Rather than traveling with their Dad, they'd travel with the other kids and their coach. But this was the city-wide meet. Qualifiers only-- which thinned out the crowd. Raph knew there were other competitors from the Mad Dogs Swim Team around here somewhere, but until they could hunt them down, it was just the three of them. Luckily, this was far from their first rodeo.

"Dibs on Candy Locker!" Leo yelled.

"Leo, no one else wants Candy Locker," Donnie said.

"Do not touch the Candy Locker!" Raph shouted.

They did this every year.

The infamous Candy Locker.

  Raph, Leo, and Donnie had been competing in swim since they were eight and seven, respectively. And every year since then, all three of them had qualified for city-wide. And every year, city-wide was held at the Aquatics Pavilion at the Ithaca College campus. And every year that they came here, since they discovered it their very first time, the Candy Locker remained.

 It was basically a historical landmark at this point, and Raph was continuously baffled that it still persevered. There were rows and rows of shiny slate gray lockers in the changing rooms, free for whatever visiting athlete to use while they competed, just big enough that you could fit a swim bag in there if you really put some muscle into it, all labeled and neat. Typically, you would open a locker without a padlock, and there would be one of two things there. One: someone else's clothes and bag. Someone already took this locker, but is playing it fast and loose and trusts no one will steal their shit. That's cool. Stealing ain't the Mad Dog way. Two: An empty locker. Sweet, free locker. You can shove your shit in there. But at the Aquatics Pavilion, there was also a third option.

 That option was a faded yellow pillowcase filled to the brim with about two pounds of Halloween candy. 

 The running theory was that someone had stashed it here ages ago, forgotten it, and it had just been there ever since, therefore transforming Locker 336 into ‘Candy Locker.’ Raph wasn't sure if the staff at the school truly just weren't aware of it, if they just didn't feel like dealing with it, or if they too respected it enough that they couldn't bring themselves to destroy it. All he knew was that Candy Locker was forever, and a fixture of the institution. 

 He also knew that every single year, without fail, Leo tried to sneak chocolate out of Candy Locker. 

"You can't use Candy Locker. Leo! It's not open for use! It's Candy Locker, and it needs to be treated with respect!" Raph yelled, giving a low groan of annoyance as Leo just barely glanced back at him, just for a moment, this absolutely feral look of excitement in his eyes, and darted off, breaking away from their small group. Dammit. 

 All of Raph's little brothers were fast and small and nimble. Raph always felt a tiny bit awed when he watched how they moved-- weaving about obstacles like minnows swimming upstream, dancing and darting about in a way that always looked effortless. Raph was fast, too, and he was far more acrobatic than the average high schooler... Don't get it twisted, he was perfectly capable of back-flips and cartwheels. But small? Small he was not.

 It was tough being a big guy sometimes. I mean, he didn't dislike it by any means! He loved being large enough that he could see over crowds and keep an eye on everything. He loved feeling strong and powerful enough that he could plant himself in between his family and any kind of danger, and feel like a wall-- an immovable object. He loved being strong, relished the rush of pinning his opponents to the ground beneath him without any effort and smashing his way through obstacles.

 ... But with size and strength comes responsibility. Wait, was that the quote? Something like that. The point was, if he ran after Leo, he'd mow half these kids down.  And he didn't wanna hurt anyone or anything. He knew better than that.

"Raphael."

Raph's father knelt down next to him, his voice gentle, but nudging, demanding to be heard. It took Raph a few moments, but eventually, he glanced up at him, peeking shyly at his father from behind his hand and uncurling from the small ball he was rolled into just the tiniest bit.

 "Raphael, did you hit Leonardo?"

 He hesitated for a moment, and then nodded a tiny bit, sniffling loudly.

 "And bite him?"

He nodded again, drawing his legs up to his chest and hiding his face in his knees.

 His father sighed softly. "Red, we cannot--"

 "He pushed me first!" He bit out, and he could feel his face burn even hotter than before, all muddy with shame and anger sloshed together. "H-he was being mean, and, and he wouldn't leave me alone! And I wanted him to stop!" 

"I will talk to him, Red. But just because he pushes you does not mean you can push back. Or hit him, or bite him. You are bigger than him, Raphael."  This brought a fresh sob tumbling through Raph's chest, despite his best efforts. His father sighed again before slowly sitting down, holding out his arms.

 "Come here, my son." 

 Raphael rolled over onto his hands and knees, crawling into his dad's lap and burrowing his face into his chest. His dad's arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tight and rocking the two of them back and forth. And for a while, they just sat like that, quiet and still, hidden away in the hallway closet.

 "Is Leo okay?" Raph eventually mumbled, not picking up his head.

"He will be alright," Dad confirmed. "But you did hurt him quite a bit, Raphael."

"Sorry." He whispered. He wiped at his face with balled-up fists, hiccuping a few times. His mouth tasted salty, now, from the tears, but it still tasted bitter from the blood, too.

 "...You did a very good job coming to get me right away." 

 Raph hummed a tiny bit in response, but he didn't say anything beyond that. He wished he could fold himself up even tighter and hide. He wished he was so small he could fit in between the floorboards. He wished he could disappear.

 "You know, your gym teacher is very impressed with you, Red." Dad eventually began to speak again. "He told me all about how wonderfully you do whenever he sees you. You're bigger and stronger than the other kids in your class," He continued, and then laughed. "And I think that is very cool! And it makes me very proud to hear about how well you have done."

Raph finally dared to peek up at his father again, wiping some of the tears off his cheeks.

 "But I know it can be hard to be strong sometimes. It is a lot of work, being big and strong! You have to be careful with others around you, even if they're not careful with you back. That is very difficult!" He said, his hand moving in slow circles up and down his child's spine. "But I have seen you many, many times be big and strong to protect your brothers, and keep them safe, and to help them." He said, keeping quiet for a moment before exhaling slowly through his nose. "... Can I share a secret with you, Red?"

A secret? His eyes widened a bit, and he immediately nodded.

"I have been thinking that perhaps you boys might be ready to start learning proper martial arts at the dojo." Raph let out an audible gasp, his entire body perking up with excitement. Actual for real kung-fu and karate and stuff?! Not just blocks and poses!? "But I am a little worried that your brothers might hurt themselves, or fight with each other if I teach them." 

 Oh. Raph hadn't thought of that before. He frowned a bit, his brows suddenly pinched with worry. He hadn’t ever considered before that learning martial arts could actually be a bad idea. If he learned martial arts with his Dad, what if he just hurt his brothers worse? 

 "But I know how much you all want to learn. And I can already see how much potential you all have." He continued with a soft smile. "So I was hoping that you could help me. I don't like that you and Leo got into a fight, or that he got hurt... But now I know that you know what it feels like to hurt someone that you love. And that it doesn't feel very good, does it?"

 No... It felt horrible. He furrowed his brows, frowning before nodding a bit.

 "So I think that means that I can trust you to help me with teaching them how to be careful and strong at the same time, and keep them safe. Do you think you could handle that, Red?"

 Raphael swallowed hard, feeling this wet lump form in his throat. All the tears from before welled up in his eyes again-- even though he didn't wanna live in the floorboards anymore. His dad still trusted him that much? Even now, after he messed up really bad? He tried to tell his father 'yes,' but his lips were wobbling too much for his tongue to work right, so he just nodded as hard as he could instead. Yes-- He wanted more than anything to help protect his little brothers, no matter what. ‘Cause even when they made him so, so angry... he still loved them so, so much.

 "I thought so." Dad laughed, kissing the top of his son's head before ruffling his hair lightly. "And I know we will not have any more fighting like this. And no more biting , Raphael. We have talked about this. If you want to bite something, I will get you something else that is for biting. But it cannot be people! Understood?"

 Hiccuping a bit, Raphael nodded again. Somehow, he wasn't even upset to be scolded this time. And he knew that he had said he wouldn't bite people before, but this time he really meant it.

 "Good boy. Now, I am going to go check on your brothers. Do you want to stay here a little bit longer, or do you want to come with me?"

 Raph took a long, deep breath, swallowing the lump in his throat so that he could find his voice again.

 "I wanna see my brothers."

 "GET BACK HERE, LEO. DON'T MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU." He shouted, and was completely ignored. "Donnie--"

"Not involved." Donnie immediately replied, not looking up from his phone. 

 Raph groaned, trying to pick up the pace without taking out any bystanders, muttering repeated, "Pardon me's," and "'Scuse me's," as he went.

 Leo really wasn't that far ahead of them-- He wouldn't completely ditch them, but he did get far enough ahead that he was already breaking into Candy Locker by the time Raph rounded the corner, his face set into a deep scowl.

 "Leo. Don't you dare." 

 "Look! Untouched and beautiful as ever!"

 "Leo, do not eat the candy ."

"Wow, and they have all our favorites, too..."

 "They are at least eight years old! At a minimum , Leo!" 

 "Oh, pshhh. As if I haven't seen you wolf down two-week-old leftovers before." Leo scoffed.

 "Remember that time he ate beef jerky out of the trash?" Not helping, Donnie.

 "It was right on top! Practically untouched!" Raph protested. "And that's completely different! Plus, eight years is, like, twelve times longer than two weeks is!"

 "That math is not correct..." Donnie mumbled under his breath.

 "Chillax! I'm not gonna eat any of the candy." Leo said, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

 Oh, thank god.

 "I just wanna have one. To like... put on a shelf or something. I bet Donnie could make a little pedestal for it."

 Dammit.

 "One year." Raph said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just one year. I just want us to leave Candy Locker in peace... for one year . It's a sacred space, Leo!"

 "Mmmm..." Leo pursed his lips, placing a hand on his hip. "Yeah, I mean. I see what you're saying, but... I'm pretty sure no one is gonna miss, like, one Tootsie Pop."

 "Stop messing with him, Leo." Donnie chided, cracking open a locker nearby, tossing his bag down and shucking off his jacket.

 "Okay, okay. Fine. Because I'm an amazing brother, I will refrain from interacting any further with Candy Locker until after the meet." Leo declared, slapping the locker shut again with a flick of his wrist and a satisfying metallic clack. "But know this, Raphael. This isn't over." 

 Raphael scoffed, rolling his eyes, glaring at Leo as he yanked open his own locker. He loved his brothers dearly-- he did. But they were really lucky sometimes that he didn't just snap their necks.

---

At this point, Yoshi had a pretty good handle on these types of events, and he knew well enough how to navigate. He knew exactly which corner bounced cheers and shouts about the least, knew just where all the vents, pumping in warm air to prevent all the swimmers from freezing their butts off, were hidden, so they could be avoided, and knew the best seating arrangement that allowed for minimal soreness the following day. Metal bleachers weren’t exactly easy on your back, after all! Armed with years of experience, (plus his cellphone and earbuds for when events did not feature his sons and he got bored,) he was fully committed to making it through the meet and focusing for the entirety of it. Had he made any progress on the whole Hamato Ninpo thing? Well, no, not exactly. Which was. Ah. Worrisome. But, now was not the time for that!

He was quite excited to watch his three eldest sons kick ass and take names, as per usual. 

He said 'hello' to a few of the other parents that he knew and made some polite small talk, settling down to watch the meet. Warm-ups were already done by the time he was all seated, and he could see his boys and the rest of their team from where they sat across the pool; audience members sat on one side, and competitors on the other. He watched them doing much of the same-- making conversation with each other and their teammates, checking their phones, and cheering whenever anyone they knew was in the water. 

 All in all, everything was fairly normal and expected. Yoshi still struggled a bit to keep himself focused, and not think too deeply about all the worries in his head, but it wasn't as bad as it had been lately... It had been nearly a week now with no further incidents, no questioning from his children, and no spooky prophecies or visions from his ancestors or anything like that. So he was beginning to wonder, or perhaps more accurately, hope that maybe it had just been a fluke. Just a one-off event rather than the beginning of anything trying. Maybe his family was fine, their identity and secrets were safe, and nothing further was going to occur to jeopardize that-- they could just continue to live in peace just as they had been.

 He watched the twins get up from the bench for their next event, shedding their hoodies and towels in favor of goggles, only to get waved over by an official. The two wandered over and joined him and what appeared to be another parent. He couldn't hear what they were saying from where he was, but the conversation soon became animated-- Donnie's arms crossed over his chest, Leo talking wildly with his hands, and worry immediately began to blossom in his chest. He had just gotten to his feet, beginning to make his way over to the group when the discussion seemed to dissolve, his two sons walking away visibly upset. Yoshi met them halfway. 

 "What is going on?" He immediately questioned, his brows knit together, forming wrinkled creases in his skin. He could see Raphael straining to see from his side of the pool, a similar expression on his own face.

 "Ugh. It's nothing." Leo huffed, a scowl set on his face, his hands on his hips. "Some Karen or whatever is just mad that we're gonna ruin her kid's record or whatever, so she talked the officials into drug testing us."

 "Which is obviously a complete waste of time and resources," Donnie added in, rolling his eyes.

 "She's just gonna embarrass herself when it comes back negative. As if we need any steroids to clean up shop." Leo declared, a small, sly grin growing on his face, offering out a hand to high-five his brother like, ‘Sick burn, right, Dee?'

 His brother accepted, slapping his palm firmly. "Indeed."

 Yoshi had broken out into a cold sweat, feeling as though his entire body had turned into stone, freezing him in place.

 "O-oh. A drug test. Yes, how silly..." He mumbled, forcing a grin on his face. "How. Uh. How exactly... Does that work? Is it going to take long? I would hate for the, uh, the meet to be held up...!"

 "No, they're just doing a rapid test." Donnie hummed. "Obviously it's going to be a smaller panel than they could achieve with a proper lab test, and not achieve quite as accurate or varied of a data set, but it should only take five minutes or so. I understand they're fetching the technician now, and then it should be as simple as collecting a urine sample to use. It can only reveal a 'negative' or 'positive' result rather than any more detailed variations or anything of the like, but of course, this isn't a concern for us, since we already know neither of us is using any drugs. It's actually a very fascinating process--"

 Yoshi wasn't listening anymore, because all he could hear in his ears was his own voice screaming TURTLE PISS TURTLE PISS TURTLE PISS.

  Logically, the test did not have the capacity to give such information. Donatello had just said that there were only two possible test results, positive or negative, and his purplest son usually knew what he was talking about regarding such things. So, reasonably, he knew it could not possibly come back ‘Mutant Turtle’. And rationally, he knew that his family had been under further scrutiny in the past and come out on the other side just fine. This did not ease his panic. It never did. 

Insurance cards? Check. Paperwork? Check. All four children? Check. He went over his list for the fifth time in his head, glancing down at his kids, two on either side of him, as they approached the office. Right... Yes. He had everything he needed. 

 So why didn't he feel even the least bit prepared?

 He had gone to such lengths to ensure the success of this plan. He had accounted for every document that would need to be forged, had crafted an elaborate story to explain his disappearance, and had paid dearly for the five bracelets that concealed his and his sons' mutant identities. He prepared for every possible threat to their new identities, and did everything he could to allow the success of their new lives.

 It wasn't like he didn't account for this. He knew that it would be an obstacle, and he knew that it would be one that they would have to face. That didn't stop it from being terrifying.

 The doctor.

 Despite all the paperwork he had fabricated, he knew that they wouldn't be able to avoid going to the doctor forever. Even if he falsified records indicating his sons were up to date on absolutely everything and in perfect health, this would only buy them a year or two before they would be due for a visit, or risk being barred from enrollment in public school. And even if he somehow avoided this, too, what if one of his children got sick? Or injured? Was he to simply keep them at home and deny them medical care? 

 No, no. He wanted his kids to have a normal life. He wanted them to be able to do things like go to school and play in parks and make friends with other children... and have proper medical care when it was needed. He wanted them to be vaccinated, to be screened for problems, to have regular check-ups and be able to go to the hospital when they were hurt. He desperately wanted this.

 But jesus christ, this was terrifying.

 "Are you ready, boys?" He asked, glancing down at his children once more. He was trying to keep his voice level and his body language calm, but he could tell that his sons could sense his anxiety. His heart broke a little when four pairs of big, horrified eyes looked up at him and they shook their heads.

 "Ah, where are my brave boys?" He questioned, nudging them ever so slightly, beginning the walk into the office. He held Mikey and Donnie's hands tightly so that they wouldn't be able to tell he was shaking. "Do not worry. I promise that Dr. Davis is very nice. Nothing bad will happen." He assured.

 The boys didn't seem too convinced. He wasn't either, truthfully, but he marched them inside anyway.

 It had been over a decade since he had last been inside a doctor's office, and even longer than that since he had been to a pediatrician. Yet somehow, it felt like nothing had really changed. Colorful wires with wooden beads strung on them stuck out from a brightly-painted table in the middle of the room, in sharp contrast to the faded burgundy chairs lined along the walls. Children's books and Highlight magazines covered every available surface, which Donnie immediately took to reading. There were a few other parents with their children as well, but the Hamatos were in no mood to socialize. After speaking to the woman at the front desk, Yoshi got to work filling out a literal stack of papers. He was so nervous, he messed up at least three different forms, and had to sheepishly request new copies.

 And then they waited.

 The longer they sat, the more the collective anxiety seemed to mount. Yoshi couldn't help the scenarios running through his mind over and over, each one ending with a doctor or nurse shrieking in horror and calling Animal Control--

 "Dad." 

 Yoshi blinked back into reality, looking down at his youngest son, pulling at his sleeve with tears in his eyes.

 "Dad, I wanna go home," Mikey whispered, leaning in close to him and sniffling a bit. "I don't wanna see the doctor." 

 Quite frankly, Yoshi was inclined to agree with his kid, to pick them all up and walk out right this very minute. But he suppressed the urge. 

 "I know, Mikey. I do not like seeing the doctor either." He admitted, scooping up the preschooler to hold in his lap. "But I promise... Dr. Davis is very nice, and, ah, I will not let them do anything bad to you... I am sure everything will be fine...!" 

 Before he could continue his, quite frankly, horrible pep talk, a nurse poked her head into the room from the back. 

 "The Hamatos?" 

  "Yo. Dad. You good?"

 Yoshi paused for a moment before he returned properly back to the present day, glancing over at his sons and giving a nervous laugh, which then dissolved into a cough. 

 "Ah! Yes, of course! I am perfectly fine! Why wouldn't I be!" He wheezed, and his sons exchanged looks.

 "Papa, honestly, it's fine. This will take ten minutes tops, and again, I assure you that neither Leo nor myself are engaging in any kind of recreational substances." Donnie said.

 "Yeah! All we gotta do is piss in a cup." Leo added in. "And then we'll be all set. It's just annoying. Here, why don't you sit down, watch some Netflix or something-- I know you like Netflix-- and we'll be back in a bit, okay? Just chill." 

 "Right. Of course. I am... very chill." Yoshi insisted, even though he could feel his hands trembling a bit. Gah! Stupid traitor hands! Stop it! 

 "Surrreeee," Donnie said, taking him by the arm and slowly leading him back to the bleachers, sitting him down and patting his shoulder. "We'll be right back, alright? Nothing to worry about." 

---

"Alright, you should be all set." Dr. Davis hummed pleasantly, offering a gentle smile to her latest anxious parent. "Everyone looks great! Healthy weights, nothing scary going on... We'll send you home with some literature and referral information for Donatello. I would recommend considering getting in contact with them if you can, especially since he's gonna be starting school soon, but beyond that everything looks fantastic." 

 "Yes-- thank you," Yoshi said, forcing a smile, shakily accepting the new stack of papers that the doctor handed over.

 Nothing had gone wrong.

 Well, a few things had gone wrong. Mikey and Raphael had both cried when they got their shots. Donnie had a small meltdown after being repeatedly touched by people he didn't like. And Leo had punched a nurse in the gut for upsetting his brothers. 

 But their bill of health came back clean. No mentions of turtles, mutations, cold-bloodedness, or reptilian features of any kind.

 They made it through. They would be okay.

 "... And we'll see you back in about five weeks for their next booster series, okay? Jacklyn up front can get you all scheduled!"

 Yoshi pursed his lips slightly, his mouth suddenly feeling rather dry.

 "... Ah. Yes. Of course." 

---

The concept of buoyancy was built upon that of displacement; the idea that two different forms of matter could not occupy the same space. Archimedes once theorized that water, a liquid, would be pushed aside by a solid mass, but an object of an appropriate weight, density, or shape could ensure that the displaced weight of the water was greater than the total weight of the object, therefore ensuring it to float. This is, of course, connected to the concept of forces. Gravity is a downward force that acts upon all objects; when an object is placed in a fluid, that fluid must supply a force equal in magnitude but opposite in direction to the gravitational force for the object to float. Scientifically speaking, it was all a matter of density and mass, and every action that one took in the water, as well as every action that the water had in response, could be explained through a series of formulas and equations.

 ... In a non-scientific sense, however, water was safe and soft and inviting. Water would make room for you, no matter who you were or what you were doing. Once you got in, it would change itself to make exactly enough space for your body. Water was fluid and changing, soft and gentle when you moved softly, hard and firm when you moved harshly. In the water, the way you move changes. The way you see and hear changes. Perception itself shifts.

 God, Donatello loved swimming.

 Even just swimming laps was great, but a race only heightened the experience, engaging every bit of his body and mind and encouraging him to push. From the moment the buzzer went off and he dived from the starting block, ( push off with your legs, you're going for distance, not for height, hands together, smooth entry point, ) to the lap down, ( head down, no breathing except for when you absolutely need to, arms go back and glide over the water-- imagine your fingertips skimming just over the surface, no unnecessary movement, just enough for the maximum propulsion forward with minimal effort, ), the turn at the wall, ( watch the floor, see the blue tile end and the white begin-- you know the math, count it out, at five you duck, chin to your chest, arms together, kick off the wall and get as much air off that sucker as you can, ) and the sprint back, ( kick from your hips, not your knees, no reserving energy, it's just a fifty, this is a ‘dash,’ so dash -- )

 Every second of it he was engaged, and every second of it he adored the experience. He didn't even slow down when he approached the wall, ramming into it at full speed and using his outstretched hands to stop himself and trigger the timer that stopped the clock. They didn't have to worry about slowing down. They wouldn't run into anything. Their own hands and the water would catch them. 

 Sucking in ragged breaths, he looked to his left, and then he looked to his right. Leo was right behind him, but as he glanced up at the display board on the wall to check his time, he grinned widely. He had more than a five-second lead over him. More than enough to qualify for Regionals-- not that he had been worried. Leo was well within the range as well, just as expected. The three of them always went to Regionals. And Donnie was quite pleased to note that the kid from Lane 4, the child, he and Leo had deduced, of the woman who demanded they be tested, was significantly behind the two of them. Sure, his time was good enough to qualify for Regionals, too...

 But it wasn't anywhere near as good as theirs. Haha. Suck it.

 One by one, all of the racers joined him at the end of the lane, bobbing about in the water and holding onto the pool edge or the lane lines, everyone out of breath and filled with adrenaline. He shook the hands of his two lane neighbors, congratulating both of them on a race well run, and once the referee blew his whistle, he clambered out of the water, hoisting himself up back onto dry land and moving to rejoin his twin.

 "Killed it." Leo said, though breathlessly, ("if you're not struggling to breathe by the end of a race, you're not doing it right," their coach often said,) offering a fistbump, which Donnie reciprocated.

 "As expected." He said, grinning wide as the two of them made their way back to the bleachers. 

 "Leo! Donnie! Nice!" Raph called as they approached, tossing them each a towel to wrap around themselves, each beginning to dry themselves off, peeling goggles and swim caps off their heads. "Good time! But, uh, what was with the--?"

 "Some lady made us do a drug test," Leo explained, waving a hand as if to dismiss Raph's concerns. "It was dumb, we both passed, it's all good now. Just annoying."

 "A drug test?! Seriously?!" Raph said, scoffing loudly. And admittedly, Raphala was no stranger to similar situations. Donnie recalled he had been accused of taking steroids or faking his age more than once in his various sporting exploits, but it typically wasn't taken as far as to actually test him. Donnie thought, vaguely, that he was almost surprised that Raph wasn't subject to the same treatment as he and Leo were today, but he supposed it did make at least a bit of sense. Raph was big-- he was tall and visibly muscular and powerful. People looked at him and expected him to excel in athletics.

 He and Leo? Not so much. Leo was only 5'5", and he himself barely passed 5'3" without his boots, much to his annoyance. They were both lean and clearly athletically inclined, sure, but they were both much smaller and slimmer than their older brother was. People looked at them and were often surprised by their respective sporting resumes. Especially him.

 "Yes, yes, it was an unfortunate waste of everyone's time." Donnie agreed. "But to no one's surprise, it came back completely spotless, and we were able to proceed without issue and completely destroy absolutely everyone, in your face Karen, thank you very much."

 "Is that why Dad's been freaking out?" Raph asked after a moment, raising a brow. Donnie followed his eyes to steal a glance over at their father on the other side of the pool, looking much better than he had before they received their test results, (both he and Leo offering him thumbs up from across the way once they had been cleared, and watching him sag with relief,) but still seemed a bit shaky.

 "Yeah," Leo said, wrinkling his nose. "I thought he was gonna pass out for a second there when we told him. He was sweating so much, it was disgusting."

 "He doesn't seriously think you guys' would come back positive or anything, does he?" Raph scoffed, frowning a bit, and Leo shook his head.

 "Nah, I don't think so. But you know how scared he is of doctors."

--- 

 Dad always got like this whenever they had an appointment.

 'This' meaning, of course, 'Visibly and overwhelmingly anxious and frightened, absolutely filled with dread and horror.' 

 They were all kind of used to it by now.

 When they were little, it would sort of freak them out, because every time they had to go to the doctor, he had to come with them, and he'd be in a state of near-panic the whole time. And if Dad was freaking out, then they should probably be freaking out too, right? Looking back, Leo recognized that he was always trying to hide it, but quite frankly, he did a pretty shit job at it. Now that they had gotten a bit older, however, collectively exiting elementary school years to enter junior high, they more-or-less recognized that Dad's doctor-induced panic was really more of a personal thing, and not necessarily something that they needed to worry about themselves. Leo still didn't really like the doctor, and he kind of doubted he ever would, but he wouldn't really categorize himself as 'afraid' any longer.

 Their Dad? Not so much. 

 The four of them had been long aware of the little note on the calendar in the kitchen, the sacred piece of literature that controlled all their lives, dictating that at four o'clock on this date, their dear father would be summoned to the doctor's office. And they knew that, of course, like he did every time, he would totally freak out. And, just as predicted, he had been an anxious mess all day, pacing around the house, mumbling nonsense to himself, (something about them being ‘onto him’ and ‘rat blood’ and other completely meaningless jibber-jabber.) 

 But this time, they had a plan. They absolutely could not continue to watch him like this. Everyone was in place. Leo looked across the living room, nodding to Raph. Raph glanced at Donnie, who checked his watch, and likewise nodded an affirmative. Mikey put down his sketchbook, getting to his feet, and the four of them, following his cue, fell into step with each other and filed into the kitchen.

 Mission: Save Daddy From the Horrors was a go.

 "Hey Dad," Mikey began, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and leaning into him slightly. Raph, at the same time, got to work preparing a pot of tea-- Donnie fetched the cream, Leo was on sugar duty. "So, we were thinking. Maybe we could come with you this afternoon?"

 Their father startled slightly, immediately moving to glare at Mikey with suspicious eyes. "What?! Come with me? Why would you want to come with me to a doctor's appointment?"

"Well, we were just thinking, it might be a nice, uh... family outing!" Raphael offered with a shrug, chuckling nervously and looking to the side. "And maybe we could, I dunno, get frozen yogurt on the way back?"

 "And we could watch that game show you like on the way over. With the mystery shrimp?" Donnie suggested. 

 "Plus, I mean, I've been meaning to get some acting tips from you? Not that I need them, obviously, but..." Leo added, placing a cup into his father's hands as he narrowed his eyes. 

 "... You boys are... up to something..." Dad mumbled, looking between the four of them with a slight frown. 

 "Up to something? No! Of course not!" Raph insisted, and Mikey placed a hand on their father's shoulder.

 "We just want to spend more quality time with you! As a family! Don't you want to spend time with us, your loving sons?" He questioned, batting his eyes. "Plus, we can get frozen yogurt! We know how much you love frozen yogurt, right?" 

 "Yeah, what they said," Donnie said. 

 "Pleaseeeee?" Leo went in for the kill, offering a dramatic pout, poking his lower lip out as far as it could possibly go. Mikey joined in shortly, combining their powers to reach near-dangerous levels of puppy-dog-eyes.

 "... I suppose... If you really would like to..."

  Score. They were in. Goal: minimize anxiety and get their dad home from the doctor's office in one piece for a change. And if they got some frozen yogurt in the process? What was the harm in that? As far as Leo was concerned, so long as they could manage to get their Dad through this appointment without totally freaking out, that'd be a win. And, if things went well, it would be that much easier to convince him to allow them to accompany him to future appointments, too. 

---

The rest of the swim meet went about as expected. Donnie easily got the best times in every event he participated in, and all three of them, plus a couple of their teammates, made it into the upcoming Regionals. Trophies and ribbons were given out in the end, which they had all immediately passed on to their father, ‘cause he was more excited about them than they were and would surely figure out a way to find space for at least some of them at home. Raph physically wrestled an ancient Twix bar out of Leo's hands, and once his little brother finally cried for mercy and swore to leave Candy Locker alone for the remainder of the trip, he unpinned him from the ground and allowed him to get back up. Normal stuff. 

 It wasn't until the train ride home that things got kind of weird. 

 About fifteen minutes in Leo started giving him these looks. Looks that said, ' go on, say something.' So Raph started giving Leo ' no, you say something ' looks. After some back and forth, they both tried to give Donnie looks, but Donnie completely ignored them in every sense of the word, pointedly refusing to look up from his phone as he discussed the process of coding artificial intelligence to their dad, who clearly didn't understand anything they were saying, but to his credit, was doing his best to nod along. 

 After losing a silent game of rock-paper-scissors played at knee-level, just outside of their father's field of vision, Raph cleared his throat, leaning over slightly.

 "Sooo, Pops... You been... sleeping okay?"

 "Hm? Oh, yes! You know I am always out like a light after my before-bed snack!" Dad replied easily with a chuckle, and Raph frowned, ‘cause he could tell just by looking at him that that was a lie.

 "Uh-huh. Right." Leo scoffed, not buying it. "That's crazy. Because, no offense, but you look kind of like garbage. And like you haven't so much as touched a pillow in, like... ever." 

 This immediately earned him a smack to his forehead.

 "Garbage?! I will have you know that I was voted Hollywood's ‘Sexiest Action Film Star’ five years in a row! No respect!"

 Leo whined loudly, rubbing his forehead and mumbling "ew," under his breath, but Raph knew it was all for show. Dad's infamous ‘Karate Chops’ never actually hurt. Though it could be that Leo was more hurting from the psychological damage of hearing their father refer to himself as ‘sexy’ than anything else...

 "I concur-- ew. And as fascinating as this factoid that you've cursed us with is, father, it doesn't really address the fact that you've clearly not been sleeping." Donnie remarked, still not looking up from his phone screen. Raph knew he was listening, though. He wasn't typing, no video was playing. He was fully engaged with the conversation. Just needed his barrier.

 "Yeah, if anyone is qualified to identify an insomniac, it's me!" Leo added in.

 "What we're trying to say is," Raph jumped in, hands held out and a nervous smile on his face, "Is just, uh. That we're a little worried about you, Pops. I mean. You've seemed kind of, uh, out of it... since..."

 "Since that thing with Mikey." Leo helpfully supplied, crossing his arms over his chest. 

 Raph noted the slight twitch in his Dad's left eye. 

 "What thing with Mikey?" Dad feigned.

 "Uh, the thing where he started a fire in his room? That thing? Ringing any bells?" Leo pressed, with a tone and a look that said 'yeah, nice try.'

"Oh, yes. That." Their dad said, waving a hand dismissively. "We have already discussed this, boys. The important thing is that Mikey was not hurt, and Purple, I know you are upset because you are not allowed to start fires anymore--"

"It's not about Mikey, Dad," Raph interjected. "It's about you! You've just... you've been acting... weird! And it's been nearly a week now! And-- and if something's goin' on, we wanna know!"

 "Nothing is going on." Their father immediately denied. "I already told you all. That was simply a freak accident, and it is not anything worth worrying about. I am fine! It is nothing you need to concern yourselves with."

"Dad, come on. There's obviously something bothering you!" Raph pushed a little harder, despite the anxiety bubbling up in his stomach, feeling like a soda can in a washing machine. "We just wanna help. Come on, don't you trust us--"

 "Enough." This time it was Dad who interrupted, his voice harder now, firm and definite. Raph flinched slightly. "I already said it is none of your concern. I am fine. I am perfectly capable of handling this, and I do not want any of you involved!"

 Raph opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but was surprised to find that there were no words. So he closed it again. He glanced over at Leo and Donnie, but they had about the same expressions on their faces as him. 

 "Please, Red." He heard the sigh in his father's voice, and he sounded softer now, tired even, and placed a hand on Raph’s shoulder. Raph glanced downwards, his eyes following all the knobs in his father’s fingers, the wrinkles in his knuckles. He didn't want to look at his face, because he knew that if he did, he would see him as an elderly man rather than Dad. He hated it when that happened, when he fell into that headspace... Just seeing people as people, just looking at them for exactly what they were, with all the familiarity and memories stripped away from them. "Just let me take care of this. I have everything under control." 

Raph frowned a bit, not entirely sure if he believed him.

 "We have a good life, Raphael. I need you to let me keep it that way." He said. "And to trust me enough not to get involved. Please."

 He didn't look at Leo or Donnie this time. Something in his gut was screaming at him that this wasn't the move. The words Dad was picking here felt... off. But the way his voice sounded... He swallowed thickly, and then slowly nodded. 

 "Yeah. Okay, Dad. We trust you."

Far beneath the city, below the concrete, below the subways, below even the sewers, the world eventually became city again-- Hidden below the oblivious humans above. At the edge of this city, a small vine grew from the soil, slow and silent, just at the seam of a brick wall. Ever-so-carefully, the vine grew and expanded, pushing itself upward, dark and veiled in violet veins. 

 The vine pressed itself up against the stone wall, curling unnaturally upward, and a bit of stone cracked in response, falling away to the soil below.

 The vine pushed further.

[ next ]

[hayheadd]

Why I headcanon Stanford Pines has Schizoid Personality Disorder (as a schizoid individual) (since every is getting back into Gravity Falls) (I have not read the journal or book of bill just plainly seen the show)

1) Social isolation

Dude lives in a shack in the middle of ass nowhere. When the people of the town see who they think is Ford they're like, holy shit, is this real?

2) Low emotional availability

His best friend of a brother gets thrown out of the house. Sure, they were mad at each other, but he himself says he feels that Stanley is the only guy he can trust, and he's like, nah, I'll do my recluse thing. We chill.

3) Autistic thinking

Y'all know what I mean.

4) Paranormal / mystical interests

5) Vulnerable to esoteric movements due to a strong need to belong

Bill swoops him right up. This is your magic muse, dude, your not at all suspicious muse!

6) Has an accepted understanding that he is "other", that he's weird and fundamentally different

So instead of finding human friends he finds freaky ones

7) Passionate endurance in the field of interest

Fight brother for book even though it would make very much sense to burn it or at least the portal part. Building a hole in the matter of the universe does take some endurance, gotta say.

8) Cold, neglectful parenting can lead to kids developing SZPD

Stuff I'm not sure about cause admittedly I'm rusty on the show:

9) Hidden grandiosity? Perhaps? Gotta say, didn't hide it too well.

Why, I am so the smartest genius guy man of the century! Thanks trianguygle.

10) The occasional transgression followed by self-sacrificing behaviour (in weirdmagedon, if I remember right). This is something both him and Stanley picked up.

Also I don't have beef with Stanford Pines the cartoon. I mean, how could I have beef with he who is just like me fr?

When he blasted that flashlight into Stan's eyes, little kid me was like, oh. Oh this is what life's about. This is what I'm TALKING ABOUT!

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

ayup mates, its me (that one fucking guy that shows up in your fever dreams to offer you garlic bread then fucks off into the void) (i think you need to get a therapist btw)

Call me dots or dot (not correct but when saying something belongs to me you use "dot's". idk why don't ask me)

My cara page (for art): https://cara.app/ihavedotsinmybrain

They/them she/her it/its ( welcome to the mad lab we do experiments with the funny goofy hjinks with the genders here)

TAG GUIDE : my art (self explanatory), dot's thoughts (mad ramblings) (extra note, there are two versions of dot's thoughts, the other one is with the phone version of ' so you can go look for that if you wanna see me posting from outside the comfort of my room and computer), dot’s travel journal (me on holiday), my persona (obviously just my persona) *prone to updates

dumbass who likes to draw ocs and shit. (posts like there is no tomorrow but also like i have all the time in the world) (oc x canon stuff also) (some fanart ig)

if you wanna find my (mostly serious) art, check out @dots-in-my-head (send me asks and dms on this blog) also i have started putting fandom stuff there too so if you want to get my fandom doodles you can look to there as well

still questioning sexuality but currently aro/ace? (idk i'm not in a rush lol) (i WILL dabble in the arts of questioning me sexuality on internet if you got problems with that shoo)

my loveley husband (@octoxxt, pls ignore this blog dude its embarrassing)

why do you need to know my age, ‘you a cop?

will not draw smut or NSFW bcs i will start howling with racous laughter and melt. (i don;t even read smut in fic dude what do expect me to be able to draw im a cartoonish obviously anime style inspired semi-realism but not really shitty doodle artist you put your hopes too high if you think i can draw a dick without making it look like a piece of middle school desk graffiti)

i've got a bit of a dirty mouth but everything is pretty vanilla . (i make edgy dumb jokes sometimes, but it's not my actual personality peace 'n love on planet earth okay) (any time i say i wanna kms IT IS A JOKE) (most of my posts are /srs i will mark it if its a joke i know the pain of not knowing if it was a funny joke or not i gotchu other autistic peeps)

please talk to me god i am lonely (i am serious about this i love it when people rb and scream in the tags it genuinely makes my day) (send me asks send measkssendmeaskssendmeasks—)

Absolute art machine(whether the art is good or not is a big question that i am not ready to answer) makes shitty animations sometimes idk.

Uses lol too much. Chinese, knows mandarin (translate the random messages for maximum brain damage) i don't know simplified but i do know traditional (please talk to me i need to practice my chinese reading skills) am i a furry? idk but if you're mad about it you can fuck right off (i have a couple ocs and my darling fursona)

am currently inbetween fandoms, fandoms i am (kind of) active in are hetalia, scp, dnd, genshin, pjo, bg3, apothecary diaries, jrwi riptide and csm (list is prone to updating because fandom is my support system) (you wont see my art for most of them but the brainworms are there and sometimes i let them take over)

old fandoms or the fandoms i lurk in (i visit them often): eddsworld, demon slayer, pokemon, vocaloid and wof. (also prone to updates as i remember stuff)

note : i am still in school and have a life outside the internet so stuff will be delayed (which is why i am only kind of active) (i go missing sometimes i am not dead life is just lifing for me)

Do not say anything about how cringe I am I know trust me (it’s a coping mechanism lol)

if you're concerned, you're very right to be. I am very incoherent (most of my life updates have actually devolved into cries for help, please talk to me)

also if you don't like my art or ships just leave(any critique about anything i make shoots a bazooka straight into my heart and behind the screen i crumble into a cartoonish pile of ashes and bones as i stare at the screen blurred by tears) (unless I ask for critique then i brought this on myself and i’ll walk it off don't worry)

(Both of my personas)

My flags (might be updated)

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

Okay, yeah... I thought so...

Replies screenshot from my add to this post this post that I accidentally found through an email notification of an @ that you'll see didn't even scan on my tumblr radar on a reblog chain I couldn't add on to again because I blocked OP (good ♥).

This attempt at an @ is still hilarious by the way like OP was so afraid of me she blocked me I literally couldn't fucking hear or responded to any of what you little shits were saying ...

@poutyrootveggie @duncebento @specialmouse Whoaaaaaaa you little mediocre weebshit abled-bodied special needs dunces! I was so shocked that the last tough guy @ from the miku simp with the tumblr badges literally didn't scan and I only found out about this from opening my email and clicking the blog notes!

Yeah, I know you abled-bodied little shits wish god nuked you half as much as she nuked me since you're begging not to be perceived as feeling anything in your legs since you wanna be a vegetable that bad so you can have access to your weeby little comfort items and Mickey D's toys forever because you're never gonna grow up and get laid and I know you're gonna understand this as much as I understand tiktok memes because back in my day it was a Beelzebub Song but let me teach y'all's lil' steven universe sour cream studio ghibli guzzling wannabe misgendering unwashed surfer brah asses about something called hyperbole and sarcasm and metaphor and what a real dramatic "queer reading" means : It means I know and I don't care and if you want me to be nit picky about it y'all are too special needs to even mind your spelling...

And in this context means no disrespect but sometimes I wish I had as much the privilege and confidence as a low support needs abled-bodied autistic on social media explaining a thing about their Fandumb Oppression Olympics to be able to get away with typing like that much of a high support needs retarded version of myself while pretending to be that shocked by what a woman in a wheelchair is saying while causally misgendering her while I don't have any OCD regarding using any sort of punctuation while I'm doing that so abled bodies don't think I'm retarded, because I'm an abled-bodied autistic that can get away with doing the best impression of a retarded version of myself because I'm quirky brah it's not that deep but this lady who I just called "dude" and I have no idea how she feels about that doesn't Know Her Memes TM and that's what matters.

Not that a bunch of abled-bodied autistic weebs are trying to gang up on an actually disabled wheelchair user right now over what again, essentially amounts to a fandumb superiority/bully complex bigger than the weebs on Big Bang Theory and again, essentially started over Spoopynatch dishorse,,,,,

Because when abled-bodied autistics talk like that online or irl itssamememario but if my wheelchair bound arse ever did that in front of an older abled-bodied authority figure or anyone abled-bodied really...! Nitwit school. Special Needs Programing. 9PM curfew stuck in a group home.

Anyway, Homestuck ended years ago go lobotomize yourselves with a sharpy collective hallucination style if you wanna unlive that angy abt it!

Was shit like this why I'm getting so many new followers? Thanks but no thanks kidz go listen to your bops! ;) ♥

Have fun being stuck in your little tenderqueer fandumb mode forever because you made sure Hazbin is my last one but at least I'm a recovering Disney Adult using her Vivzietine patch instead of a little shit gen z otaku who's so spoiled I can get away with pretending to be more brain damaged than I actually am!! ;) ♥ X.O

(But oh, before I go @poutyrootveggie ...

"#ITS A MEME ABOUT PEOPLES UNNECECARY DOGSHIT HELP #I NEED THIS TO BE SATIRE" .. You mean a bunch of unnecessary dog shit like..? A bunch of weebs and apparent Homestuck and Supernatural fans trying to collectively dogpile on a Hazbin Hotel fan sharing on a fandumb post on fandumb website tungle.hel when they try to scold you about wishing you were doing s satire when they don't understand hyperbole and you wish that this abled bodied shit autistic with a Miku plushie for an icon and tumblr badges was a satire in and of themselves but deep down you know they're seriously pathetic enough to think, again that, causally misgendering and harassing a wheelchair bound woman for barking too loud about their own Special Interest Demon Discourse TM on a post made by a person with the studio ghibli cat TM as their icon talking about their demon shit rusty nail show discourse cause they're loser who liked that dog shit in the first place and I know I have far superior taste than any of ya so don't fucking @ me again... You think any of this cyberbully shit when I was just minding my own damn business and didn't even @ OP sharing sharing my fandom story fandumb story on a fandumb post on a fandumb website makes you look like the good ones? You mean pulling some "unnecessary dog shit" on me like that?

Well, jokes on you hon...This Hellhounds second bite fueled by Kesha's Cotten Candy bit down so hard on that lil' pussy OP got so scared of me that they blocked me back, meaning I couldn't even fucking hear you when you tried to @ me to stir shit up again and hows this for a final anime showdown? I'm pulling a Hatsune Miku putting my headphones back on so I won't be able to fucking hear you again.. You abled-bodied-wannabe-tard! LA! LA LA!`~ ♥

You want my silence? Pay me for it!

[salora-rainriver]

The Sympathy Problem, or "Why I'm Too Much of a Monsterfucker to Get Into Horror"

I don't know what the fuck this is, but I'm writing an essay about a problem that, as far as I know, only applies to me (but i might be totally wrong, who knows).

I think the title speaks for itself, but lemme just elaborate on what the fuck happens inside my brain, and how that fundamentally affects the way I handle horror media, to the point where I cannot truly appreciate it as horror on the same level as everyone else.

now lemme post a cute bat here so that there'll be an appropriate image to represent the whole essay when its link is shared on stuff like Discord:

trust me this was important. Okay, let's keep going.

Part 1: Why I'm a Monsterfucker

Let's start at age 4. I'm a dinosaur kid, like roughly 1/3rd of all autistic bitches. I'm a dinosaur kid to the point of owning multiple Land Before Time movies, and tie-in games, and I think I even had like two plushies at one point.

you know it's serious when this is your childhood.

I also had miscellaneous dinosaur plushies, and dinosaur toys, and a dinosaur book I frequently read front-to-back, and you get the idea.

dinosaur love evolves into dragon love, evolves into "funky monster creatures and animals of all kinds" love. I become a freakish savant of the wonderful world of the animal kingdom really quickly, to the point where my child-brain career prospects include "vet" as a pretty high finalist.

And then I find Starcraft, a game in a genre I otherwise wouldn't have given a shit about... but guess what? it has bug dinos.

it's all over for me.

But like, why? why do I like dinosaur so much?

... because I am dinosaur.

Look. LOOK. I can't give a good comprehensive list on the connections between my particular strand of autism and the state of Being A Dinosaur, because by this point, me being autistic and me being a dinosaur are so completely intertwined that it's often a chicken-egg situation. But the point is,

I make weird noises instead of using my words. I toe-walk. I don't like shoes. Sometimes I like to not wear clothes at all, even. I like to hide in small crevices when spooked. When I'm in a meltdown, I scare people.

Me dinosaur. Or at least, me some type of feral.

So is it any fucken surprise that when I go into an RPG, I latch onto the animal shapeshifter, the furry species, or the person who fights unarmed and/or uses a claw weapon?

Is it any fucking surprise that I am the opposite of spooked by snakes and spiders and other such creepy crawlies?

is it any fucking surprise that I have a fursona?????

is it any fucking surprise that I picked Pokemon Scarlet without the slightest HINT of remorse?!

Part 2: Wait, That's not the Intended Response

now let's talk about horror. Let's talk about the elements that make horror into horror: the fear part.

So what scares people? Well... people scare us. A serial killer, a mad scientist, a cult leader, a corrupt government entity, maybe? or maybe even society itself, its darker side full of atrocities and danger and problems where there's no easy solution and things can often seem hopeless?

... lmao who are we kidding that's not the vast majority of what scares people in horror. IT'S MONSTERS! Monsters scare people!

From Xenomorphs to Jean Jacket to The Babadook, it's monsters! Shit that ain't human and never could be human, and maybe it's pretending to be human, maybe it used to be human, but now it ain't, and it's gonna getcha!

And it just.

I'm a monsterfucker.

I'm not scared of ghosts. Sure he's fucked up and wailing in endless pain and lashing out at everything, but that just makes me feel sad. Like, poor ghost dude. We should help him.

I'm not scared of vampires or werewolves. They're people like anyone else, and sure, there's an inherent danger from being around them, but there's also an inherent danger from being close to an alligator, and I'm sure as fuck not scared of an alligator chilling on the side of the road. Cautious, maybe, but not scared.

I'm not scared of zombies. I mean, if they were real, I'd be a bit spooked, cause I have no combat expertise and would definitely be Fucked. But the same would apply if my hometown became a war zone. And... a war movie won't scare me. So a zombie movie wouldn't, either.

I'm not scared of xenomorphs. I mean I don't want to die, but that just means I should be entering alien environments with all proper safety procedures. TBH I'm more pissed at Weyland-Yutani than anything else.

I'm not scared of the Babadook. I'm worried for the well-being of the family as they try to come to terms with grief, and the monstrous shape that grief has taken. But it seems like they're coping in the end, so that's good.

I'm not scared of Jean Jacket - okay no. I'll be honest. It makes me uncomfortable. I will not be going into detail on the difference between this discomfort and actual fear. That is not a Salora Lore I want to disclose here. If you Know, you Know.

Part 3: Horror ceases to be a genre for me

So the monsters in horror movies don't scare me. And yet... I've watched some horror movies. And I've liked them. From this one list I've been using as quick reference to remind myself of What Horror Movies Exist out there, I've watched a few of these, or am at least familiar with them. You know, I've seen some classic horrors like "The Shining" because I went to film class in high school, and I've watched some installments of classic franchises like "Scream", or oddball picks like "Warm Bodies" and "The Relic", because I was having watch parties with friends.

Even beyond film, I read some Lovecraft once, and I've played plenty of spookier-themed videogames, like... well, like Silent Hill 2. Didn't finish that one. Bcs I'm bad at puzzles. But I loved the atmosphere.

And even when I'm not directly experiencing the horror media, I often look it up, read the synopsis, and watch video essays about it.

I know way too much about Hereditary, Midsommar, Get Out, the Slasher Genre in general, Creepypasta, Resident Evil, and mascot horror, for someone who's supposedly not able to properly engage with horror as a medium.

And I like some of that shit! But uh...

... not. as horror.

I just. Don't engage with them as horror films. I engage with them as whatever other genre you could slot them into. Hereditary is a tragedy. Get Out is political allegory. The Babadook is psychological allegory. Ghost stories are dark fantasy. Alien is sci fi. Slasher films go back and forth between mystery, action, and dark comedy. Warm Bodies is a rom-com. (like. that's not even a weird hot take. I don't know why this Rotten Tomatoes editorial decided it was horror, but I'm not gonna dispute their assertion, Bcs like. this entire essay is about why I'm not a good judge on that sort of thing) Silent Hill is a puzzle-adventure game with light action. Five Nights at Freddys is a time-management simulation game that would stress me the fuck out if I ever played it. Amnesia: the Dark Descent is a stealth game.

You get the idea.

So I'm just... in this really weird position. I'm a huge fan of spooky monsters, strange happenings, stories that engage seriously with the anxieties of mankind through allegory,

but I can't. truly enter the horror genre community as an insider.

Cause I ain't scared.

And honestly, it gets even worse when I start to imagine myself maybe, idk, *writing* a horror story of my own. Because... since I don't get scared by them, how am I supposed to know what scares others? Apologies to my fellow disabled folk for this clumsy analogy, but... it feels like trying to paint while visually impaired. I mean... you can do it. You can do it super well if you push yourself. but it's a strong disadvantage, and it might result in an artwork that could baffle the seeing people in your audience.

And maybe there could be merit in that. In writing my attempt at a horror story from the perspective of someone who doesn't find any of it scary. Maybe it's be intriguing, even surreal or dreamlike or alien to the audience who doesn't engage with this subject matter in the same way I do.

Or maybe it'd just end up similar to that one phase of the creepypasta fad where folks were going "wooo! hyperrealistic blood! isn't it spoopy n fuked up????" and it'll be garbage idfk

Bonus Round: ...Okay I Might've Lied a Bit

There is one movie that for me, truly could be considered "horror".

It genuinely terrified me as I watched it. It shook me to my core and opened my eyes to how other people feel when they see some shadowy monster figure with too many teeth reach out and eviscerate a poor bitch. I fucking get it now, to some extent. I don't know *how* the spiky boy elicits that response in you, but now I understand how it feels.

Because I watched FUCKING M3GAN

[SPOILER WARNING: I'm not saying the exact plot beats of the movie but I AM going into detail about its themes and the character development of the protagonist. It's massive spoilers but they're all vague spoilers.]

Me and my friends didn't pick this movie thinking we'd get spooked. this is the movie where the doll does some sort of modern dance routine while carrying a katana. It's goofy shit! We figured this was goofy ass modern trash and we were gonna laugh.

MOTHERFUCKERS I WASN'T LAUGHING????

Is the premise unrealistic and goofy? yeah. are the characters exaggerated and cartoonish? yes. are there like, numerous jokes throughout this film, that are portrayed as jokes? yes. was the dancing robot doll chase sequence goofy as shit? yes*

*ok but the context of That Scene made my brain gloss right the fuck over how goofy it was bcs I was too fucked up over everything else that already happened!

So like. What? How? How is goofy robot doll horrifying? Salora, you know how many stories about rogue AIs and killer robots there are? Why doesn't skynet scare you?

It's not about the doll. It's about the humans who created her.

This film is as subtle as a fucking anvil when it comes to it's social commentary. Like, "opening sequence is a kids commercial for Deranged Knockoff Furby" and "a therapist character explains attachment theory for a whole scene" levels of unsubtle. and honestly that makes the horror fucking worse. in this bizarre cartoonish parody of society, we're seeing a laid-bare and raw allegory for the real harm we are inadvertently delivering upon real fucking people. Weirdly enough, the exaggeration just makes it feel more real.

and what's "It"? Not the uncanny valley of a too-perfect silicon face, the gruesome deaths, the murderous AI,

No, "it" is the commodification of childhood, the degradation of familial ties and human connection through overwork, the way we try to patch these broken ties with product, the outsourcing of parenting to toys and machines, the disastrous consequences of allowing an orphan to vanish into wish fulfillment fantasy instead of being given space to work through her grief,

the exploitation of her grief in order to market the very thing that's spiraling her further into an unhealthy dependency, to do the exact same thing to children worldwide, all because of profit.

Look. Monsters, ghosts, demons, serial killers, zombies, predatory animals, rogue AI, they're not scary to me, because I know them. and if I don't know them, I want to know them. The solution to the threats things like that pose are simple. Keep your distance from the crocodile. Punch the shark's sensitive nose to make it back off. Invest in security measures so your house doesn't get broken into. Don't anger the ghost. Exorcise the demon. Shoot the zombie's head.

How do you, an overworked engineer for a toy company, find the time to connect with your orphaned niece on a human level?

How do you take away said niece's beloved doll when you slowly come to realize that her attachment to it has become unhealthy?

What the fuck are you supposed to even do when you realize that you might have created a murderous monster and marketed it to hundreds of kids, and your overzealous boss is in your ear pressuring you to get it ready for launch?

WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Conclusion: But fr am I like the Only One

so uh. yeah.

My fear response is mucked around by an unusually high level of sympathy for the monsters that tend to populate horror media. I'm Too Kinky To be Tortured, and it puts me in an awkward relationship with the horror genre, where the only things that can well and truly terrify me are unhealthy relationships and capitalism, and even then, only if those topics are presented in just the right way to make me feel like this shit is Real.

And like you know how there's a whole language of like, scares and signifiers and shit that's been well-researched, all these tiny tips and tricks to exploit primal fears in humans? (I dont know if language is the right word but im just gonna call it that until further notice)

well, a lot of that Language of Horror doesn't quite work on me, because it's all related to monsters and physical threats, and I love the monsters too much,

and I imagine there is a whole different Language out there of the shit that can be exploited to scare me,

but fuck if i know what it is. I only got a single movie as my frame of reference. How the fuck would you even find a movie that handles social anxiety like that?

Like idk, do y'all think Carrie would spook me? Carrie's about societal ills, right?

[rejectedfables]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Character: Draco Malfoy (HP) Why I love them: I don't. I love the version of him I frankensteined together from fics I read/wrote as an undiagnosed autistic preteen who wished I knew how to be meaner, and was hopelessly demisexually gay for a brunette with glasses.

Character: Uzumaki Naruto (Naruto) Why I love them: Emotionally neglected ADHD powerhouse who thinks "what do 600 hot girls look like? Me with titties and pigtails 600 times obviously" followed by "what do 600 hot boys look like? All my male friends with bedroom eyes OBVIOUSLY" and somehow hasn't figured out he's into dudes and is probably genderfluid. The Haku and Zabuza arc came SO close to "child soldier figures out that making children into soldiers is bad, actually, and resolves to create a better society where fewer people needlessly suffer" but then I think the author got old and forgot his own trajectory in favor of endless spectacle creep and, idk, something about the moon crushing Konoha or whatever. I lost interest in the story, but not the BOY. Also his relentless fixation with that dark haired cool guy he kissed one time makes every other character feel awkward, and I relate to that.

Character: Urameshi Yusuke (Yu Yu Hakusho) Why I love them: LOVE me a guy who even HEAVEN writes off as an irredeemable asshole surprising everyone with an act of selflessness. Love me an asshole who dedicates his life to love and friendship. Yusuke's narrative is basically "Obviously all yokai are evil. Wait, some aren't (some of my best friends are yokai)? Wait, most aren't (I actually really enjoy the yokai world/community)? Wait, I'M a yokai? (THAT'S why I am the way I am, and actually that's not evil it's just different)??? So there's evil humans AND evil yokai but neither are inherently bad, MOST are just regular people on both sides, and both are worth protecting" and anyway this is a neurodivergent and queer allegory to me, which slaps severely.

Character: Shi Qingxuan (Heaven Official's Blessing) Why I love them: Gender

Character: Luke Fon Fabre (Tales of the Abyss) Why I love them: Nobody's doing character growth like this little shit. An icon. It takes like 30 hours of gameplay for him to become likable and when he does it's somehow genuinely worth it.

Character: Changheng (Love Between Fairy and Devil) Why I love them: (I'm picking only one character per story, which is the only reason Xiao Lanhua and Dongfang Qingcang aren't also on this list.) You're telling me the God of War's narrative is a "tragic princess, betrothed since childhood, can't escape her family's expectations, constantly has to put everyone else above herself, until finally she snaps" story blended with "man who has been forced to live in war, falls for the first person who acknowledges that he, too, needs protection, ultimately rejects the violence he's been forced to endure and enact in favor of pursuing peace" and I'm what? NOT supposed to go insane? Also his nose freckle gives me heart palpitations.

Character: Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars, specifically season 1) Why I love them: What an excellent example of a badly coping shithead jerk fuckup boy who would be SO soft in any context where he's not under constant threat. Something about his mouth-breathing under duress compels me.

Character: Kyo (Fruits Basket) Why I love them: Badly coping under duress, the entire system is stacked against him, anger management issues and the snatched waist of a 90's manga twink. What can I say, a feral cat finding stability and love gets me every time.

Character: Xue Yang (MDZS) Why I love them: Irredeemable asshole feral cat ass man, coping badly at all times with all things but holding it together with a winning personality (gratuitous violence and bad jokes). Falls SO hard for the first person to show him love and kindness, becomes SO soft when not under threat for the first time ever, and then fucks up SO badly he ruins his whole fucking life. Spends more time trying to get back what he lost than he actually HAD what he lost. He's irredeemable. He's irredeemable. He makes apple rabbits for A Qing because she's sad. He's irredeemable. He doesn't pull a weapon on Xingchen even when Xingchen has already stabbed him and he's renowned for violence and revenge. He's irredeemable. I starting writing a post in his defense and hit the character limit halfway through my 'notes to flesh out later' bullet pointed list. He's irredeemable?? Xiao Xingchen could, though, is all I'm saying. The deeper you look into his actions the more humanity there is to find. I'm rotating every single thing about him in my mind like a rotisserie chicken.

Character: Chu Wanning (ERHA) Why I love them: He's hopelessly demisexually gay for literally just one guy. His story is gratuitously tragic but with a happy ending. Autistic Yearning incarnate. He's a burnt out husk of a blushing virgin, and the horniest person alive. Would readily die for his convictions, but won't ask for help. Prettiest wife anyone could ever wish for, with a strong masculine jaw. Total knockout gorgeous with body dysmorphia. Hyper competent with zero emotional intelligence. Widely respected and beloved with intense self loathing. He's never not masking. He's an atticked wife, he's a bossy husband, he's a piece of wood. He's 45. He's 6. He's 20. He's 32. He is catnip for me.

[shrivelfigstudies]

i am doing much better.

situations haven't changed. but i was able to talk about them to the person i felt i needed to, and i'm handling it better.

but shit, dudes. life is so scary rn. read under the cut if you're curious.

so, when my mom was pregnant with me she had uterine cancer (a cancer i later inherited). after i was born, she got a complete hysterectomy. her doctors now think, 24 years after that surgery, that her cancer is back, but maybe in her stomach this time. so she had some imaging done, a biopsy, and we're awaiting results.

this is scary for multiple reasons. not only is it scary because of my mother's health (she's 65), and mental health, but also - i live with my parents. my father is disabled, and my mother is the bread winner. i am a full-time student, and i would have a part time job, but i live in a remote village and there are no jobs that will either hire me, or that i qualify for (that are part time, anyway). so, my mom truly is the breadwinner. she also takes care of about 1/3 of my 33 year old brother's family bills (he has 3 special needs children).

so not only am i scared because of my mom's health and what that would entail for HER, i'm scared about what that could entail for the whole family. there are so many domino effects that are likely to occur if she does have cancer, and i can only predict some of them. they're all scary though. the knowns, and unknowns.

secondly: my dad is disabled, as i stated. he's getting around more physically than he was when i was a teenager (just due to his own stubbornness, and one slightly successful surgery), but mentally he is declining more and more by the month. he has severe traumatic brain injury, has really bad PTSD, and also is autistic (with severe communication challenges). my mom allows me to live at home, because i'm who takes care of my dad and makes sure he eats, drinks, showers, and doesn't run away. i've had to help bathe him at times when i was younger.

i'm going through it with him, because for most of last week, things with him were so bad that we almost had to send him to the psych hospital for a few days (something we've had to do a few times in the past). it was so bad this time though, and he had to go to the ER where he had hurt himself, that his psych and therapist said if he continues declining like this over the next month or so, we have to look at putting him in a care facility full-time.

that would be best for him for his physical needs, yes - i know that full well. however, he's already had su!c!de attempts being home (mainly when i was a kid and a teenager). he already complains about not having freedom (we have one vehicle that mom uses, and he has no friends here + he is physically unable to hike or camp anymore like he wants to), and i'm really worried about what would happen if he was sent to a facility where he would have even less freedoms... plus, he would be even more alone. i'm his best friend. we don't have a father/child relationship - to summarize, my parents were separated when i was growing up and he worked in a town 4 hours away, so he only came home 2-3 times a month to see me and my brother, and he never lived with me fulltime until i was 15 - but rather just a friendship.

then, my partner has had a really bad couple of weeks since he started therapy, and ofc due to therapy itself AND his emdr, he's just been Going Through It. so i've been really worried about him, and there isn't anything i can do to help him.

there isn't anything i can do to help, lessen, or remove *anything* going on in my life right now. at all. everything is happening, or probably about to happen, and i just have to be okay with it.

PLUS friends of mine that i've had for legit 6+ years are ghosting me out of nowhere (not removing me from socials, but just blatantly ignoring me) and i don't know why??? and like, part of me thinks i deserve it bc i've cut quite a few (toxic) ppl out of my life this year, so maybe i'm toxic to these ppl too and they're doing whats best for them??? but they've *never* had *any* conversation with me regarding behaviors they found problematic with me, so i just... idk. but yeah, i have a much smaller support group than i thought i had. and the only person i felt 100% comfortable talking to abt any of this was, sadly, my partner - and i had to wait a good 2 weeks before he was even in a position where i felt he could even somewhat handle what i was throwing at him. (he handled it well, didn't take it as his own, but helped me calm down a bit.)

but yeah. shits just... shit. also i have to put my dog down at the end of summer/before winter, as she's almost 13 and is barely mobile and her kidney disease is reaching its last stages... so. i've had her for literally half my life. which is *wild*. so there's grief in that as well.

but yeah.

anyway. :)

[notthewriteryourelookingfor]

Incloming rant and a thought about MattPatt, his theories, and 5 Nights At Freddy's:

I want to preface this by saying that I have nothing against MattPatt, he seems like a cool dude, a swell guy even, he obviously has fun, and a lot of his ideas are creative and entertaining.

I also want to point out that this is not being said "now that he's retired", I have come into the fandom very late (only really got into it due to wanting to go see the movie cuz the Jim Hensen company made the animatronics and I am an autistic slut for physical props and effects. If I'd been in the fandom earlier, this may have come up before his retirement.

.

.

So MattPatt's first FNAF theory was that the game was referencing a real life shooting that happened at a Chuck E Cheese.

And I literally cannot let that go.

I realise that the internet in general was very different back then, it was more "edgy", I was like 20 at the time, so I was online and I know how the internet was. Im p sure I was on tumblr where shit like that was very common.

But it makes me see MattPatt's theories, all of them, in the light of "this is a man who played a jumpscare video game obviously based on Chuck E Cheese as a concept (tho I'm p sure in like the 70s-80s animatronic restaurants were a big thing and considering Scott's age it wouldn't be surprising if he'd gone to a few for fun/parties/family outings) and went "ah yes this is referencing a real life mass shooting."

Maybe it's cuz I'm not American, maybe y'all are a lil more comfortable with mass shootings than I am (im Australian, we've had maybe 3 since 2000) but that not only seems like a massive reach, it also feels really disrespectful.

I know that MattPatt was very "respectful" in the video and said he didn't want to make light of the event or joke about it but I feel like just making this video to begin with did that.

Videos aren't something that just appear out of the ether with no way to control what it says: he thought it up, sat down, wrote a script, filmed, ans edited it, and never once went "Oh wait I'm making light of an actual tragedy where people actually died maybe I shouldn't put this out"?

Like even if you have no other ideas, just say that? Just be like "wow this is a doozy, guys, let's break down the game play and maybe reference the event but not make a full video about it"?

But let's say that MattPatt was correct and that Scott was referencing a real mass murder that killed real people with jumpscare animatronics: that's a shitty game. That's a shitty idea for a game.

I mean I'm probably going to get people coming at me like "You're too sensetive" "you're reading too much into it" or "you never heard of true crime?" To which I answer, in order, "yes I am very sensitive it's unfortunately who I am as a person I spent too much of my childhood trying not to be and it really hurt me and decimated my mental health. So fuck off", "FNAF fandom is literally 'there is no limit to how deep you can read into it' that's why it's so popular and why there are so many ideas on what it's really about", and "yes I know about true crime, I also have an issue with some true crime, generally those who make light of horrible things and also my general rule of thumb is "if the parents/children/significant other of the victim(s) are still alive and could see your media, maybe don't make it." I mean an average of 50 years is about what I'm comfortable with if it's being used in the "true crime" space. But that does have exceptions based on why it's being talked about. But I think that's another rant."

What I'm trying to say is that I have trouble with MattPatt, and his theories in general, not because of "Gregory is a robot recreation of the Crying Child" (cuz that's fun and interesting and also is actually understandable if u look at the mimic???) But because he likened FNAF, which at the time was a silly lil indie game about animatronic animals (that are possessed by children but rarely actually talk about it) to a real murder spree.

He compared a digital bear, chicken, bunny, and fox, to real people who lost their lives.

And that makes me look at everything he does, even now when it's been like 9 years, and he's definitely grown and changed and maybe even apologised for that, in that lense.

He's like 37 now, meaning that he was 28 at the time. It's not like he was an edgy teen with no understanding of how his actions impact others.

I realise this looks like I hate him, that I'm holding his past mistakes against him, and I want to confirm: I don't hate him, he's entertaining to watch and I'm sad hes not doing theories any more,

But at the same time, I wish he'd not have made that one video and I can't not think about it with every theory he puts out. It's why I can't watch his other channels (also I looked at style theory & some of the ideas seemed lazy to me but that's my own bias) because it has poisoned his ideas slightly in my mind and I'm now very wary of what he's saying.

.

.

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I will add that I have a similar problem with a fair few theoriest were they're like "I've solved this" and then shill out for a very obvious scam company or a company like BetterHelp or HelloFresh months after we all found out they were trash so it's not like they had a few more contract obligations. It's like "I realise that you need to make money, but you're actively promoting harmful stuff in an Advert (at least it's labelled as that) and it makes me feel like I can't trust your judgement on things."

.

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Anyway, please don't hate on me, this is just something I've been struggling with for a few months now and I'm curious to see if anyone else thinks the same or had any helpful thoughts they would like to share.

Also if MattPatt has apologised for it, please let me know where I can watch/read it cuz part of me feels like if I see him acknowledge that it was probs not a great thing to do, it probs won't feel so weird about it anymore.

It's like our parents always said: we need to be careful of what we put online cuz it could follow us forever.

[therainbowgorilla]

This is not a question. This is an explanation tied to a question, like an elephant tied to a latex balloon: do queer people know that the reason queer discourse exists in the state that it does is almost definitely because a lot of queer people are also retarded? I hope that's as blindingly obvious to other people as it is to me, because *aS aN aUtIsTic PeRsOn*, every time a great big angry ball of queer discourse comes rolling, flaming and screaming past my blog, I think to myself that if I was autistic AND queer, I'd most likely also be dead by my own hand, or wheelchair bound due to a stroke. The attitude expressed by the original poster of the post whose comment section you found me in: that language about or surrounding queerness should be essentially meaningless so as to keep those it relates to from having to conform to any sort of expectation that they may have previously established for themselves, makes it completely impossible for an autistic person to engage with those people at all. In fact, I would go so far as to say that in effect they make themselves more like computers to us than people: malignant and unknowable machines where all input is meaningless and all output is random and usually negative. It's so obvious that that's where the "language has meaning" and "there need to be rules" objections come from, and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking to feel like I, an outsider, am the only person who even notices or cares. I mean honestly, how dare you tell autistic people that there are no rules? What the fuck are you thinking? It took me my entire childhood to just about figure other people out, well into my adolescence. Over fifteen years to stop deliberately antagonizing people just to get a reaction that made contextual sense. I'm almost thirty now, and I'm not going back to that feeling of hopelessness. Not for anyone, no matter how sad their story is. And that's where "You don't get to know how to treat us with respect" came from.

What the fuck are you even on about? You think I'm gonna take the argument of someone who uses the R slur in 2023 seriously? What do you think this is, 5th grade?

I don't give a shit if you're autistic or not. Me too, the fuck? If you would have bothered to glance at my blog description, you'd know that.

Just like any other slur, you can use the R slur for yourself but not against others. (This isn't some roundabout way of calling you the R slur. I'm just saying it's how reclaiming works. You don't get to call other people the R slur just cause you're autistic.)

And oh my god your overdramatic shit about how you'd fucking kill yourself or wind up disabled if you were autistic and queer? How fuckin old did you say you were? Holy shit, you're almost thirty and you're acting like this? Get a grip. Grow up.

I'm autistic, disabled, and queer. The absolute audacity you have to come into my inbox with this shit is just blowing my mind.

And oh my god, the cognitive dissonance here is so legitimately hilarious to me. You're calling people like me overly sensitive when you're the one throwing a hissy fit in some rando's inbox on tumblr dot com lmao. And the claim that you've matured and stopped diliberately antagonizing people is just 😘👌 such funny irony. Like, did you even read your ask before you sent it?

You've self admitted that you're an outsider to the queer experience, so what the fuck makes you think you get a say in how we describe and label ourselves? Newsflash: non-queer people don't get to dictate what queer people call themselves. Shocking, I know (/s).

Look, dude/gal (I'm gonna assume you're not enby since you've said you're not queer), I'm genuinely sorry you've had trouble figuring people out as you grew up. Trust me, I totally get it. You think you're the only autistic person who had trouble figuring people out growing up?

Hell, I STILL ain't figured it out yet. How do allistics remember faces? How do they not get special interests? How do they know "common sense" intrinsically whilst I often don't seem to? How can I tell romantic love from queerplatonic love or from sexual love? Why do allistics always assume we know things despite them never telling us them? How does an NT person focus without hyperfocusing? How can you tell if someone is flirting with you? How does the person in front of me feel? Is the person I'm infodumping to actually interested or am I boring them? Why do people think my tone/face is an angry one when I'm just expressing confusion and asking curious questions? What's my gender? What is gender? Why do people in power want to hurt other people? Why are they so greedy for money they'll never spend? Why can't cashiers sit down?

And how the FUCK does someone make friends, especially as an adult not attending college/uni!?

FUCK IF I FUCKIN KNOW! It sucks! It sucks ass! I know that! Seriously, trust me, I'd love to understand the way allistics and NTs think. The world would be SO much easier for the both of us. And we struggle so much to understand NTs, whilst they rarely try to understand us in return! I know you struggled and that legitimately sucks, and I wish the world was more kind and patient and accomodating with you and I both.

But, like, you think you struggled? Try growing up disabled, nonbinary, aromantic asexual (with queerplatonic attraction), autistic, mentally ill in several ways, physically disabled, poor, and in an abusive home. Holy fuck, I was constantly confused about other people every day of my damn life!

I'm not saying this to invalidate your struggles and experiences. You struggled, and that sounds like it fucking sucked, and I'm sorry it was that rough for you growing up. It sounds like you weren't given enough kindness and patience and explanations about things when you should have. And that really really sucks, I get that.

But you're not the only one who has struggled, and having a rough life doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to others or dictate how they are allowed to live their lives.

There's something important you aren't understanding here.

You have to try to understand what a social construct is. By definition, social constructs like gender and orientation and the language around them are constantly fluid and changing. Labels are fluid and are ours to pick or to ignore.

I feel a sense of better understanding of myself when I find a label I feel happy with. I feel peace and a sense of comfort that I'm not alone in my experiences. I feel a sense or community. So, for me personally, I love it when I find a label I feel fits me!

Other people feel that labels are restrictive, and that's okay too! No one has to use any labels that they don't want to identify with, and they really don't have to use any at all! The important thing is that the choices are ours to make.

See, you seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding about what being Queer means.

Trying to force strict rules on what queerness is is literally antithetical to the definition of queer. And someone outside the community like yourself absolutely does not get a say in how we define our queerness.

Queerness in and of itself, by definition... is literally a rejection of the strict rules society has always tried to force upon gender, orientation, and the like. Society tries so hard to force us into cis heteromantic heterosexual boxes, tries desperately to enact strict rules about who we can be and who we can care for.

The reason that there are so little rules in regards to how we can identify is that Queerness, at its very essence, is a rejection of the strict rules and labels that society forces upon us. Queerness is about breaking free or rules and boxes forced upon us by others. Historically, for decades the bisexual and lesbian communities were heavily intertwined and welcoming to each other and to letting their members identify as either or both if they wished.

Then, a bunch of biphobes decided that bi people were disgusting and dangerous for (many if not most of them) liking men. And the biphobes began trying to drive a wedge between the historically linked communities and force bisexuals out. Unfortunately, it seemed to work.

(here's one source I really enjoyed reading that taught me a lot about this bisexual and lesbian history!)

The link between the bi and lesbian communities once thrived, and then it was stolen from us by a bunch of biphobic assholes.

Bi lesbian is a rejection of the unjust rules society has tried to force upon us. It is a reclamation of the historical link that was ripped away from us by the hatred and bigotry of biphobes.

You need to learn how to be okay with not understanding every little thing. If you don't understand someone, talk to them, ask them questions. And if you still can't understand, that's okay! Because here's the thing: You don't have to understand something or someone to respect them. I don't understand every single xenogender or microlabel, but as long as they aren't based on hatred or bigotry, I am perfectly content to say "I can't say I understand it fully, but I'm happy you've found a label that brings you comfort and happiness with yourself!"

Identifying as bi lesbian is, at its core, an act of queer rebellion and reclaimation. The very essence of what being Queer is all about.

[quietwingsinthesky]

I have been tagged by @sugaraddictarchangels! ^-^

Your name: I am Will. Still debating acquiring other names.

Your first fandom(s): HP, but let's not talk about that. The real shit was in the Warriors fandom. I survived wars in there. Cat wars.

Your current fandom(s): Primarily Supernatural. (It's my special interest! I do not have a choice in being here! uwu!) but also, rotating around Mass Effect, Succession, and if Cat succeeds in drawing me back in, I'm gonna end up in my Elder Scrolls phase again.

How did you first get into fandom? Well, you see, I was given far too much unrestricted access to the internet as a child. And I wanted to read Everything.

How long have you been engaging in fandom spaces? Forever? Forever. Long as I can remember, anyway, which to be fair, isn't very long.

How often do you read fanfics? Well, damn, dude, I just set one down to come answer this. (Really though, a lot. Idk I like seeing the blorbos dance. And also I'm still experiencing some burn-out from having to be autistic and in college and such so actual books... no. only blorbo.)

Top three characters from your current fandom(s):

Supernatural: Sam Winchester the most character of all time. Lucifer! Second most character of all time! and rn, Michael. but that third slot is always subject to change. Last week it was Raphael lmao.

Mass Effect: Legion. They're my favorite robot, I want their gender and their name. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, genuinely my favorite teammate and I think she has the best plotline through all three games don't @ me. and hm. hard choice. Joker. Because he is funny. Because his relationship to Shepard is maybe my favorite out of anyone's, even the romance options. (Tiptree + "Anderson told me to take care of you" conversation in my mind always at all times...)

Succession: (okay this is cruel this is actually like asking me to pick a favorite child. but i will.) Shiv my beloved my queen i would die for her. Gerri my other beloved and queen i would also die for her. and Roman, my favorite little guy with everything in the world wrong with him.

Elder Scrolls: Martin Septim & the v specific version of Hero of Kvatch who does mantle Sheogorath, yes, both of them together, they are a set but the point is that they are separated by fate and godhood. and then also Nazeem. because he is funny. I wrote a whole fic about him.

Have you ever written fic for a fandom? YES! someone go read my silly mass effect fic i just wrote i crave attention

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? Also yes. I don't post much and what I have I delete later because it's never good enough. i am. hard on my art.

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: sam is queer of sexuality and trans of gender. end of story. (and the reason I feel strongly about this is people who claim he's 'too boring' to be queer. first of all, you're wrong, he's amazing. second of all, you don't earn queerness by being cool. you just are. fandoms stop treating queerness as a reward for some characters and being cishet as a punishment for others challenge.)

You’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? Depends on the friend. But I stand by that if you want to infect someone with the spn brainworms, give them a copy of john's journal and watch the rot set in.

And finally, what does fandom mean to you? it's all of us sitting around a campfire sharing insane takes.

I am tagging... hm. @godsprettiestprincess, @synesindri, @archangelsammy, @herefortears, @ladyknightskye, @thnks-fr-th-samulet, and anyone else who wants in. :3

[zwoelffarben]

A question actually addressed to me (i think based on context: @iwillgotoheavenforyou correct me if I'm wrong), so I guess I now have to take the time to answer it because "It's the autism," is entirely too pithy an accurate response to be useful.

How do you know so much

The first caveat to say is that I don't actually know all that much: I'm fond of saying, "I pretend to know things," and that's not really true because I do know things, but I generally give off the vibe that I know more stuff to a more indepth mastery than I actually do. This is cause of three four things.

I'm a knowledge generalist: I don't know a lot about most subjects but I pick up a little bit about everything.

I'm autistic and for me that manifests in being very good at connecting dots to draw beautifyl patterns, even given a small number of data points.

I'm autistic and I'm very particular about how I phrase things, with nuance and depth, such to avoid being misunderstood.

I was taught how to do basic research, and I try to make a habit of doing it before speaking when unsure about something.

I typically only know enough about something to be dangerous; often I need to look things up to remember exact details but I also try to make a habit checking my position on the dunning-kruger graph before speaking by looking shit up: You will however semi-regularly find me called out for having misjudged where exactly on that curve I am enrealis; and one whoopsie-daisy of a conversation with some actual expert later I'll admit that to being wrong on the internet out-loud for the world to read. It's never a pleasant experience but I assure you, I'm always so very brave about it. That's how I maintain the illusion of knowing so much™.

Now as for how I actually go about knowing things, well the things I know a lot about were either special interests of mine or things I specifically learned about in school and college. I went to the liberal arts school ███████ where I learned a shit tonne of information and then my autistic brain started connecting dots and forming opinions about things I have no business having opinions about. I have never filed my taxes (on account of not making enough to be legally required to file taxes) and yet, I have opinions about W2 forms which I won't be sharing here because they're not relevant.

My actual areas of expertise are quite limited in scope to 400 creative writing, 250s math, (english) literature, 200s chemistry, biology, physics, psychology, economics, art theory, painting, computers and coding, 100s of many miscellanious disciplines, blorbo from shows, shows, minecraft, and my lived experiences as an left-handed autistic queer white dude whose shoelaces deep into tumblr. This is a normal amount of things to know stuff about.

I know just about as much as anyone else who is my age and has had my level of education, but my autism might make me marginally better at connecting threads across multiple disciplines to apply knowledges in synasthetic ways, but mostly I'm practiced in the art of appearing to know what I'm talking about (not because I want to seem smart but because as a baby autistic being labelled 'smart' made surviving K-12 easier for me.)

How do you have time to write in such details

I'm fortunate enough that my living situation is stable such that I don't need to hold down a job nor make a living and can spend most of my time shitposting, seriousposting, and playing minedcraft.

I do type faster than most people because I'm a left-handed person both because I type a lot and because I'm using a DAVORK-L instead of QWERTY. I actually can type fast enough to cause minor-major sprains in my right wrist. I don't tend to do that, but it's happened and will continue to happen in the future.

But mostly, I just start a post and type until it's finished. I enter a fugue state and exit it hours later +1 reblog. (This matches my general approach to creative pursuits like writing and painting.)

How do you remember all of this

Most of the time I don't. There are two relevant modes of memory (there are a bunch of others) recall and recognition: I'm good at exactly one of those things; and well, my brain is not a well-ordered library of facts that I can look things up in.

It is a mireous bayou that swallows knowledge to rest beneath its murky waters; and if I'm looking for a specific factoid I need to navigate through the generally unmarked trees until I find a vaguely familar spot or happen upon the information randomly.

The thing you don't see is all the memory aids I have when posting about topics I'm less sure about. I have a folder on my computer called knowledge I put inforgraphics in. I have a folder in my browser book marks (sorely in need of organization) called use where I keep my citable links to stuff. When I need to know a specific fact and I can't find it in the bayou of my mind, I open 2-6 tabs on wikipedia to search for it, some of which I link in the post, and some of which I don't because I'm lazy or I actually did.

I don't remember all of it all of the time: I've recently started systematizing the tools and strategies I developed over the years to help me find my way back to specific information so that theyr better at helping me navigate the murky waters of my mindswamp, but most of the time anything I techincally know is completely forgotten about until it's needed again and dredged from the muck.

[deviantartdramanow]

ohhhhh boy.

I used to think clubby was just some funny dude who liked to role-play, and when I found him roleplaying with one of my besties, I felt like I wanted to rp with him too, but I guess I didn't want to pop in and ask him if he wanted to rp cuz that would be rude.

and then a year later he sent me a note asking if I wanted to rp with him. I said ok, he asked me what my interests were which was weird? since I could use any interest (except problematic stuff of course) and when he started the rp.

I was excited until he went "ok now I have this character hypnotize this character and make them act like a baby" and then he went on to mention fucking diaper changing on them. and even worse? he chose underage characters for the diaper shit, like Lincoln loud, wednesday Addams, some total drama contestants, I don't recall which one he used, but I do remember they're canonically underage, and of course his 9 year old oc eduard. idk why he made that oc 9 smh

and later on one of my friends called pedoverse out on his discord server after he sent him a note asking to rp, and my friend said he randomly sent a whole lot of people notes asking to rp which is annoying. he also had a channel about him (his discord server had separate channels to rant on problematic users like him) and there a user showed a screenshot about their friend getting uncomfortable after dream wanted to involve teenage twilight sparkle in diapers, and asking "wHy DoN't YoU lIkE pEoPlE wItH sPeCiAl NeEdS"? after the friend said they were uncomfortable.

and speaking of special needs, I am an autistic person myself, and that excuse he made to do disgusting rps with minors and just be a creep in general really fucking offends me. and how he didn't cut ties from that cuck who drew porn of Cassandra and still supported menslady even after reading a comment about her homophobia further describes how he doesn't deserve to be respected on the internet as a whole. so yeah. after seeing the news and him being a fucking creep in my notes, I've lost respect in him.

so dreamiverse if you are reading this: you might think you are innocent and you are being "bOoLiEd" but nobody is bullying you. you bought this upon yourself. you continue to ask everyone including MINORS you meet to change your 9 year old oc's chris chan wannabe diaper and wipe his dirty butthole with their bare hands despite being called out for it on here and on several posts on da and that's why we are calling you a pedophile. and don't fucking play the special needs card, because special needs does not give you an excuse to creep out other people with your diaper bs.

if you never wanted this blog to go after you, then pick out something else to rp with than changing underage character diapers. or at least accept it if people don't want to rp with you. if they don't want to rp with you then find someone else. or better, go to a site for roleplaying, because da is an art site and not an rp site. and if you want to do diaper rp with someone, age check the characters you want to add to the rp (you might want to age up eduard to 18 or make a new oc who is an adult) and make sure you're rping with adults only.

anyways, either clean up your act, nick, or get the hell off the internet and touch grass.

that's all I have to say about this prick.

(won't ask proof for this since you can simply go on his about page and scroll into the comments and you'll see the same fuckin "my name is nick, want to rp in notes or chat???" over and over, and stuff mentioned above is in the pinned post)

-Mod S

[just-a-joltik]

au yapping

hi hello internet!! i feel like ranting so here. A pokemon au :) or, well, this one is probably more so "alternate timeline" if you're familiar with the more intricacies of fandom language. (then again this IS tumblr) ANYWHO. the main jist is "hmm. what if the whole shit with the ultimate weapon actually did make the protag (calem in this case) immortal" but with some body horror twists because i can :) more specific details under the cut as i do not wish to bombard someone's dash with my autistic ramblings

So the AU is dubbed "The Curse of Fate". originally wished to go with "the curse of life" but that. i feel like that could get misinterpreted into something else so the curse of fate it is!! As mentioned before, the big major change is that Calem gets fuckin' BEAMED:tm: by the Ultimate Weapon underneath Geosenge Town because dude didn't get out fast enough. He wasn't in the vicinity, no. directly under it. (i will note that calem is 14-ish at the time in this AU, for future reference) After a few years of "everything is totally back to normal yup yup" he kind of realizes "oh shit i am not aging like a normal human boy this is fucked up man" and not wanting to watch his friends and family die around him, ( as well as not wanting the government to find out about his predicament) he decides that he will consciously go missing. a slow and vigorous process so it isn't too shocking. staying out later, contacting people less, the stuff. eventually he does do it, and leaves his hometown for good. he travels around for a bit, specifically to Paldea early on to purchase one of those portable box things so he doesn't have to go into pokemon centers. He is just. a forest goblin, basically. living off whatever he can find. trying his best not to be seen, especially in the earlier times. he gets a bit more cocky about going out in public as the years go on. always wearing a shit ton of layers because people don't pay much attention to you that way. and as it turns out, he really likes just observing things. he does eventually encounter AZ, and things are tense between them. calem feels like he's being lectured all the time about everything since it didn't take much for AZ to realize Calem's predicament AZ on the other hand is just trying to make sure Calem doesn't fuck things up for himself and is giving advice in. his. own kind of "how the fuck do i talk to people again" way. now one may wonder "hey where's the body horror" and that, my friend, comes in with this whole headcanonned string of logic. said logic being that the energy calem was zapped by was pure life energy. and any living being can only handle so much of this. so this energy needs to find a way to "escape" to bring one's body back to equilibrium. this being in the form of crystalized half-elipsoid formations appearing on calem. unfortunately, no idea quite yet on how it will develop past that. but a main "drive" for calem is to try and fix this before it causes irreversible damage. and that's the jist!!! there are. a lot more details but this post is already super long so if anybody wants another giant rant post uh. idk, tell me lmao. finally, here's calem's design!!!

its a few months old and unfinished sadly i may make more doodles but for some reason the brain wants to finish this first lmao but thats all, thanks for reading!!! make sure to hydrate yourself, especially if you were scrolling a lot to find this

[lafortis]

how good do you think you are at picking up on flirting? ever wonder if you've fumbled because you were completely oblivious?

Oh I am at least somewhere on the spectrum and have misread cues every which way lol. these days I actually think I'm quite good at it, and not just good in that I unjustifiably think ppl are flirting with me when they're not lol, I mean very good (and I pride myself) at reading when people ARE being friendly and not think crazy thoughts, and also have done pretty well at reading the (relatively fewer) times people were actually flirting with me lol. Before like, this year or last tho? Bro I blew past shit like a speeding train lmao. Thru willful obliviousness as much as anything, cus low self confidence and having consistently misread signals one way or other in the past.

Honestly what I'm learning about myself these days is I need the other party to take the initiative on certain things lol, which made me very bad at the (usually cis) het romance dating game, wherein the fella is expected to take the lead in most things (and I don't know who enforced the expectations more, me or the potential partner, but I'm just sayin I felt em and wasn't super good at em). I'm not bad at it per se, it's just never come naturally lol.

Anyway, nowadays I am constantly evaluating all likely possibilities at all times, so nothing ever surprises me (this is the least autistic sentence anyone has ever said). girl at work today was mildly flashing the tatas, just y'know, a little more cleavage than usual, leaning over a chair str8 at me like maybe once or twice in a not observably intentional but not unintentional kinda way, but I think frankly she knows she can do that around me and I'm a red blooded male who, while not uncouth enough to be looking, probably has a tell that I'm Not Looking ykwim, and she probably gets a little validation from that, but I don't think that's the same as actively flirting really, just that I'm a safe person to get that validation from and she knows I won't read too much into it. We're mostly homies tbqh (I mean from her perspective, from mine she's much too young but y'know that's never stopped literally anyone from having a one sided thing). Tbh maybe at this point she's just slowly saw trap testing me to figure out if I'm gay lmfao. I caught (maybe a liiiittle but late, but honestly I really didnt know what to do with this one) that the dumb thick latina milf was flirting with me, but like I said, absolutely no clue what to do there. We had so little in common lol. I feel like that wouldn't stop your average dude but for me man, idk, I imagine small talk and am like. What do.

Anyway, really the only thing that's fucked with my internal sorting algorithm these days is one coworker who is just straight up. hm. I don't want to say promiscuous but shall we say a touch laissez-faire with flirting, which sort of threw me for a loop in the like "why are you interested in me" sense but it wasn't that (I eventually realized mostly on my own mostly without doing or saying anything stupid thankfully), she just literally flirts like habitually lmao. So fair enough, now I account for being a bit of a floozy too.

Anyway yeah back in high school? Fucking kill me dude don't even talk about it. I'm p sure the only reason I ended up dating my first girlfriend is because she has her friends lead a coordinated "hey she's interested" messaging campaign. my second gf was a little more natural, and then my third one, first yr of uni, basically invited me to her place for a party because we had mutual friends and she added me on Facebook and thot I was cute??? unhinged behaviour that was a huge red flag (or maybe just one mutual friend at the time being an absolutely legendary wingman, I'll truly never know cus we're not in much contact anymore) but yeah that was very much like 95% her 5% the absinthe lmao. Various like, hookups and whatever, some were a little more natural, but hey alcohol is the necessary social lubricant right. By my 4th real relationship I think when she invited me over to watch movies I did in fact bring condoms cus I finally sorta got it lmao

Anyway yeah tldr, nothing can surprise me because I have mastered my surroundings and comprehended the thousandfold thought, and as such all actions are accounted for, but before that yeah man I was cringe and blind

[crocus-cryptid]

We're on to V1:E2, as listed on roosterteeth's website. I know what the E stands for, but it took me a second to realize it's V for Volume. I watched V1:E1 immediately before this, so it's two plays of the theme song back to back. The theme fucks severely so I'm not complaining.

I realized the airships have fins and it looks a bit like they're swimming in the sky. That's really cool. Holy shit they switch to standing on all fours to land, I love that. A lot of RWBY's design elements function on the rule of cool, I think. Is it practical to have a gun scythe? Do physics really work that way in combat? Probably not, but it kicks major ass so it's fine.

I feel bad for Jaune, that's one hell of a case of motion sickness. Poor dude's vomited at least twice.

I noticed one of the shadow people doing a jaunty little walk on the way into beacon, that made me smile. Oh damn this episode is only six minutes. In later seasons I remember everything being a more consistent length, but I guess the series was still finding its footing here.

It's funny how Ruby animorphs into 2d chibi art. The flat colors and style of it harken back to the sort of thing I used to see being posted on deviantart by younger artists, which gives me a nice warm sense of nostalgia. I remember posting my wonky anime art online once upon a time.

I think it's cute that Ruby's a weapon nerd. That could be a great vehicle to explain more about how weapons work in Remnant. How a character explains world details can tell you just as much about that character as it does about the world.

I kind of love the poorly recorded stock sound effects. It's something that really roots this in that era of youtube animation.

Weiss assuming that Ruby doesn't know what dust is is likely to explain what it is to the audience, but she's also a brat who would figure that most people are beneath her based on this scene alone. Blake just standing there reading a book is interesting- was she reading and walking at the same time? I forgot that she was a bookworm.

You can really see the anime influence in how they animate the characters. Also in how they're designed, but how they move and emote feels very anime.

I wonder about that wiggly clothing effect. Is it supposed to be wind? I've seen it happening indoors. I'm guessing it's not an error since they've consistently kept it in. Is it for emphasis? It's probably wind.

Blake bringing up the unfair labor practices Weiss' family corporation employs comes back later, I know.

I like Jaune's shield, and I thought it was funny that Ruby pointed out how it weighs the same. Even the "uncool" weapons are neat. It's cool that Ruby forged her own weapon, too!

The outro fucks severely too! The chorus reminds me of music from the 70s in some ways, with the strings and the bells. I clicked off to look up the full song. The guitar solo is pretty good, feels kind of Steve Vai to me.

Oh huh, V1:E3 is another six minute chunk titled pt 2 to the last one. I'll just keep going in this post since it's basically one episode. This was uploaded after the ten minute limit on youtube videos based on how V1:E1 was one ~12 minute chunk, so I'm not sure what's up with that.

Jaune going "Where am I supposed to find another nice, quirky girl to talk to?" And there immediately being another character with real details behind him is honestly pretty funny foreshadowing. If they were animating this one piece at a time before uploading, it'd make a lot of sense if they read the comments about Jaune clearly being an actual character and decided to make a gag from it.

The dialogue can be pretty rough. It reminds me of like. What people think Marvel movies sound like. And I don't like marvel movies.

Ruby reads as autistic to me, maybe some other flavor of neurodivergent as well.

Ozpin's glasses remind me of Vash from Trigun's glasses. I wonder if that was intentional or not.

I love Jaune's footy pajamas. The background boys having real detail was probably just to sell the gag but it might be fun to see them again.

Ruby's pajamas remind me of the Dead Tired line of g1 monster high dolls, with the graphic tank top, patterned pajama pants and sleep mask. I doubt she has high heeled slippers, though. She and Frankie Stein would probably get along pretty well.

Ooh it's a different song this outro! My guess is it's to show off the totally awesome soundtrack. If I had music that awesome linked to my project I'd want to show it off too. I should listen to Jeff and Casey Lee William's discography after this.