#like evan is clinging desperately to this idea of someone BEING there when he falls. he creates this illusion

[fizzseed]

this is insane actually

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Eighteen

Previous Chapter Here

Notes: So sorry this took me an age to get out. Thanks for sticking with me. We’re in the end game now... 

Warnings: Heavy language. Angst. 

Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN 

Sarah was trying her hardest to get out of Lisa’s birthday weekend. Really trying. She couldn’t remember the last time she had put this much effort into something that wasn’t related to work or getting to a finish line she’d imposed upon herself while out on a run. 

She wasn’t a very creative person either. Not when it counted. She spent three days pathetically dropping hints that she was coming down with something. Scott dismissed it at first, insisting the fresh air would do her some good. She went as far as to suggest she was feeling quite nauseous so perhaps a five-hour-plus car journey might not be the best idea. Only she had downplayed it to such an extent, she inadvertently removed the problem from the table. 

She also tried the whole “it should be a family event” thing, but Shanna told her she was family and that she should stop mithering and start packing. 

Things got a little desperate. She wasn’t proud of herself but when Audrey had told her about a falling-out she’d had with Michael, well, it would be stupid to lose that golden opportunity. So, she told Shanna she was thinking of offering to stay and support her dear, dear friend and colleague but, with a glint in her eye, Audrey insisted it wasn’t that big of a problem. She was definitely off Sarah’s Christmas card list now. 

Truth be told, she didn’t have a legitimate reason to avoid the break. She couldn’t deny the prospect of having the entire apartment to herself for four days was enticing, though. She could enjoy some rare peace and quiet. She could read a book in a long, hot bubble bath without Shanna perching by the side and regaling her with the latest issues in her romantic life. She could cook and eat seafood without worrying about giving her best friend an allergic reaction. She could also lounge around in her pyjamas all day, or maybe even naked. 

No, not naked. She was never one for that idea. 

Carly had been filling the family WhatsApp with game ideas; some solo, some in teams. All kid-friendly, which was a speciality of the Evans’ clan. Lisa had planned a long hike for the Sunday morning followed by what sounded like an extravagant picnic with champagne, quiche and foot-long subs. She also sent a picture of three humongous bags of marshmallows, the size of small children, and suggested they could sit round a camp fire on the evening they arrive. That was assigned to Chris as his first job. 

There was also the small issue of a massive hot tub. Thanks to a new reliance on fast food during her late shifts, Sarah wasn’t much a fan of her body at the present time. That was another thing she’d have to contend with. She loved the family but forced fun in bathing suits was not really her “thing”. 

“If we get there early, we can bagsy the attic room.” Shanna suggested, nose in a gossip magazine. Sarah nodded in agreement while keeping her eyes on the television. “I’ll be damned if Scott gets it all to himself again.” 

“Sure thing.” Sarah replied, acting nonchalant and biding her time once more before she could raise again the possibility of her not going with them. 

“Don’t get anything out for dinner tonight. We’re heading to mom’s in a couple of hours. I hope that’s OK.” 

“Sure. Wait, what?” Sarah did a double take at Shanna, her face now fully hidden by her magazine. 

“Sorry!” She peaked out over the top of the page. “I forgot to say earlier but Mom wanted to have dinner at hers tonight so we can go through the itinerary in full. Make sure everyone knows what they’re bringing. I said it’d be cool ‘cos you weren’t working.” Her tone was apologetic. “You’re not doing anything, are you?” 

No, she wasn’t doing anything. And she couldn’t think of anything either. There was literally no thoughts running through her mind at that time. None that offered her any help whatsoever. Blank. Stupid, fucking, dumbass. 

“Yeh, no, of course. Makes sense.” She responded after a second had passed. She silently blew out a long breath and sank further into the couch. 

* 

When Shanna had said they were having dinner, Sarah figured it would be one of Lisa’s massive pot pies followed by the biggest tub of Neapolitan ice cream she could find. Something easy and comfortable that wouldn’t get in the way of the more pressing matters at hand, namely finalising plans for her birthday weekend. She was most certainly not expecting candles and a table runner, the fancy anniversary cutlery and four or five bottles of expensive red wine. Lisa had even added some fresh flowers as a centrepiece. 

Sarah looked down at her ripped black jeans and grey t-shirt and felt woefully under-dressed. She scolded Shanna with an annoyed look that didn’t go unnoticed. 

“I didn’t know she was planning some fancy thing, did I?!” Shanna whispered as they hung up their jackets in the hallway. “You know what she’s like.” 

Sarah did know what she was like so, really, she should have known better.

Shanna nudged her out of the way to walk into the kitchen and give her mother a hug, leaving Sarah standing in the doorway feeling like a potato and not sure how to make use of herself. She could hear Scott get beaten loudly by Carly’s husband on a computer game. She glanced her head inside the living room and waved at them, watching as they offered muffled sounds as acknowledgement of her greeting. Chris didn’t seem to be anywhere around yet which gave her some mild comfort at least. In fact, nearly a whole hour went by before he arrived. A light, summer shower had started outside and his arrival was announced to all by Lisa’s shrill tone instructing him to take his shoes off before walking on her newly shampooed carpet.  

“Yeh, ma, I got it. Gimme a break…” 

“Did you bring that picnic blanket I asked you to find? The one you brought last year? The large, tartan one?” 

 Chris gave his mother a confused look before she audibly sighed. “I asked you about it yesterday? I texted you earlier to remind you? Jesus….” 

 He shrugged off his sport jacket, placing it on top of Sarah’s, and toed his boots off before ambling into the dining room to join the others. 

 “She’s on one again.” Scott whispered to him as Chris took a seat beside him, across from Sarah and Shanna. “She called me three times this morning alone to remind me to pick up plastic cups and plates. Like I’m gonna forget something she’s messaged me about, like, a hundred times.” 

 “That’s nothing. You should see the list of jobs she’s given to Miles and Ethan.” Michael joined in. 

 “But they’re only kids.” Scott questioned him, half surprised and half...not so surprised. His memory suddenly recalled all kinds of jobs he was forced to do as a young boy, raking lawns and cleaning the family car. Michael just shrugged back at him, rolling his eyes knowingly. Scott looked between Shanna and Sarah, worrying for what she’ll impose upon them all next. 

 “She hasn’t given me any jobs yet.” Shanna said. She almost sounded offended at being left out of the menial work. The room fell silent as everyone else slyly eyed each other. “Oh, right. Thanks guys.” 

 “Hey, your job is to read the maps so we get there in one piece.” Scott finally broke the awkward silence. 

 “And Sarah? What’s Sarah’s job? I don’t think she’s been asked to do anything either.” 

 “Her job is to make sure you’re reading the map the right way around.” Chris interrupted and the room descended into fits of laughter. Shanna merely leaned back in her chair, folded her arms and cast a mental curse on her older brother. Sarah tried hard to mask a smirk that didn’t go unseen by Chris. 

 Pointedly ignoring his sister, Chris reached for the open bottle of wine closest to him. He leaned his arm across the table and offered Sarah a glass. “Want a top-up?” 

 They made eye contact for the first time in what felt like ages and he smiled at her, a slight crease appearing in the corners of his eyes so she knew it was genuine. “No, I’m OK. Better pace myself.” 

 They hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t messaged each other, in over a week. She was grateful for the break. He looked good, though. Lean and sculpted to a point that was inhuman or, at the very least, unfair to an average human being. A couple of weeks of working out and his body seemed to ping back to what it once was. It was like watching elastic snap into place. Sarah suddenly felt every single extra pound clinging to her thighs. Whenever she gained weight, it always seemed to land there. It was annoying and proved nearly impossible to remove no matter how often she ran. 

 “The hell is this?” Chris asked. He finally noticed the smooth table runner stretching out in front of him. “Are we expecting someone official?” 

 “Just keep quiet and let her do her thing.” Scott pleaded with him quietly before connecting eyes with Shanna and Sarah, everyone seemingly thinking the same thing. “Let’s try to get out of here in one piece, yeh?” 

 “What took you so long to get here, Chris?” Lisa asked as she walked back into the dining room carrying a large tray of what looked like bread rolls. She placed it down in the centre before moving to the side table to gather the salt and pepper grinders. 

 “Oh, it was just a work call.” He shrugged, confident enough in his manner that the conversation didn’t go any further. Scott elbowed him seemingly without anyone else noticing but Chris brushed him off with a shake of his head. He rested his chin on his hand as he took stock of what was in front of him, Sarah included. 

 His beard was thicker and apparently untended to, Sarah noticed, now that things had quietened down. He glanced at her through his lashes as things grew quiet and Lisa started dishing out vegetables to everyone. Lisa had a particular way of handling large family dinners – lessons learned from cooking for many kids over the years. You knew to wait until everyone had something on their plate before making moves for any more. It all smelled delicious. As unnerved as Sarah felt with the formality laid out in front of her, she had to admit she was looking forward to some proper home-cooked food. 

 Chris kept looking at Sarah, hands folded in her lap, polite as always, waiting for everyone else to go in front of her. He saw Michael help himself to three bread rolls before passing the plate back round to Lisa. Michael was a tall, hefty man whose appetite never seemed to be affected by anything. Even when he had horrendous flu that left him in bed for a fortnight, he still managed to put a lot away. He had never once experienced food poisoning. 

 “If you’re waiting for everyone else, there’ll be nothing left.” Chris spoke as he leaned in towards her so she could hear him over the sounds of cutlery and enjoyment. “Just go for it.” 

 She smiled shyly back at him and thanked Lisa for cooking what appeared to be a mini-feast. 

 “Can you pass the butter, please?” Shanna asked as she reached her arm over Sarah’s plate, forcing Sarah to lean back in her chair. She stretched her other arm out for the gravy that Scott was currently pouring over his plate. 

 “You’re always so polite.” Chris chuckled. “Shan, can you stop getting in the way and let the poor girl eat.” 

 “Huh?” Shanna questioned, unaware of what was going on. 

 “You’re getting in her way.” 

 “No, she’s fine. It’s fine.” Sarah quickly interrupted as she sensed him bristle with frustration. 

 He looked at her for another second before shaking his head. Shanna threw her brother a look of puzzlement but Scott appeared just as confused by his sudden tone.

 “Bet this beats McDonald’s, eh Sarah?” Carly said, before giggling to herself. 

“You’re telling me. I can’t remember the last time I ate something green and fresh.” 

 “Michael is so jealous.” 

 Michael’s ears perked up as he turned to his wife and Sarah. “Damn straight. Being only able to eat burgers and fries is, like, the dream scenario.” 

 “Why have you been on so many night shifts lately anyway?” Chris asked, a mouth full of chicken, placing the spotlight firmly on her. 

 She tried to shrug it off, act casually. “Audrey needed some extra support and I figured it would do me good to work in a few more nights. I always seem to manage to get out of them.” 

She was fast hoping Lisa would start discussing the impending trip to distract everyone but no such luck. 

 This felt like it was going to be a long night. 

 “It gave you time off for this weekend so swings and roundabouts, eh?” Shanna added. “Speaking of which, is there anything you need us to do for the trip, Mom? I noticed everyone else has jobs and lists except for us.” Shanna inquired, not quite able to hide the mild accusatorial tone creeping into her words. 

 “Um, no, I don’t think so, honey. Just trying to keep it as casual as possible.” 

Scott nearly choked out a chunk of potato. Chris, side-eyeing Michael’s increasingly red face, tried his hardest not to bark out in laughter. It was tough. Lisa noticed it, too. Choosing to ignore it, she turned back to her daughter. 

 “I meant that things are under control now so there’s no need to add to the pile. As long as you get there on time, that’s all I’ll ask for.” 

 Shanna wasn’t feeling convinced and the smug grin now on Chris’ face wasn’t helping to reassure her either. She turned to Sarah to see if she was thinking the same thing as her but Sarah just kept her eyes on the plate of food in front her, hoping that if she continued eating and finished as quickly as possible, she could get home again. 

 “I can do something, Mom.” She protested. “I could bring that lawn bowling game again?” 

 “Actually, Michael has one of those. It’s a bit newer and the skittles are heavier so the wind won’t keep knocking them over.” Carly spoke up before glancing apologetically at her sister. “He just got it from a friend at work, so… No biggie.”  

“What about wine and drinks? We could stop off on the way up?” 

 “I put an order in for all of that.” Lisa responded with a casual wave of her hand. “It’ll be here the day before so I’ll pack it up here before we set off. Speaking of which, anyone for more wine?” 

 Shanna remained quiet as the family conversed about nothing in particular. Carly was talking about some game the kids at school had taught her that might be fun for the weekend but nothing could remove the unease surrounding her sister. Sure, Shanna wasn’t the most reliable when it came to shopping lists and sticking to plans but it was unlike Lisa not to call upon her for something, no matter how small and inconsequential it might be. 

 Attention turned from one brother to the next as discussions about carpooling took over. Chris really wanted to use the trip as an excuse to take his new Audi for a drive but with all the gear he and Scott had to bring, there wasn’t much room for anything or anyone else. 

 “Except maybe Sarah?” Chris posed the question, keeping it casual. “You could tag along with us and then Shanna could go with mom, I guess.” 

 “I was thinking of hiring a car myself actually.” Chris looked surprised at Sarah’s sudden offer. She hated driving. “We could take some of the load off everyone else then. Lisa? We could pack up some of your stuff?” 

 Sarah had loosely discussed this with Shanna some time ago but they had ultimately decided against it because, well, she really hated driving. Now, however, sensing her friend’s growing despondency, she figured it might help her feel more useful. Plus, it would give Sarah some control over when they could head back home again. 

 Shanna looked at her friend and smiled gratefully. 

 “That’s very kind of you, Sarah. I supposed you both could go on ahead and get the keys from Maggie and we could meet you there soon after? I said we would be getting there some time around the early afternoon if that’s alright with you both?” Lisa requested, opening another bottle of wine. Shanna nodded, a smile wide on her face now and she felt a sense of relief. 

 Sarah mentally calculated backwards from “early afternoon” and reasoned they would need to be up and out of the apartment by 7am at the latest. Suddenly, her role in proceedings made more sense where Shanna was concerned. She gladly accepted a new glass of wine and made a mental note to contact the car rental in the morning. 

 “You know who you should ask about renting cars?” Scott asked. “Greg, of course! I bet he knows a guy who knows a guy who is the son of the guy that started Mercedes. Or something. Either that or he probably has shares in Hertz.” 

 Sarah rolled her eyes at him, laughing. He probably wasn’t wrong. 

 “OK there, brother. You need to ease up on the wine” Chris pushed Scott’s glass further away and patted him on the back. “There you go, little sis. Looks like you have a job after all.” 

 A clear sign of Chris’ irritation was when he chose to be patronising. Shanna was taken aback by his tone and Sarah felt her friend sink back into her chair, irritated. Sarah raised her eyebrow at him but all he did was shrug, playing innocent. Not his strong point. 

 The room stayed silent for a little while as people finished up their meals. As much as she originally wanted to pace herself, Sarah didn’t object when Scott filled her glass up yet again. He turned in his chair to place the empty bottle on the side table alongside the others. It was then that Sarah noticed all of the other empties. Had they really drunk that much? In little more than an hour? She clocked the time and there still seemed to be plenty of food left. They would be travelling much of it home as afters at this rate. Chris left the room briefly and returned with a couple of beers for him and Michael. 

 “What are you gonna do with all this left-over food, ma?” Chris asked as he sat back down indicating a second tray of roast potatoes that had so far gone untouched. 

 “Please don’t let us take any.” Sarah joked, holding her hands up in playful protest. 

 “What?” Scott asked before laughing. He looked at his sister before smiling broadly at Sarah as he watched her cheeks blush red. 

“Oh, she’s feeling self-conscious about her weight.” Shanna answered, nudging her under the table. That was helpful of her, thought Sarah. She could feel herself heating up as they all looked at her, waiting for her to speak up again. Chris took a swig of beer from his bottle and leaned his forearm on the table. 

“No way in hell are you fat, Sarah. That’s ridiculous.” Scott combatted. “You’re really trim, being on your feet all day. I’d love to give you my fit-bit some time. I’d probably gain a few thousand steps.” 

 Sarah laughed out loud. “Thank you, Scott. Can we please change the subject?” 

 “So, you’ll be wearing a two-piece, yeh?” Chris asked. She turned to look at him suddenly before chuckling nervously. 

 “Um, I have no idea yet. Are we even going to use the hot tub?” 

 “I won’t be.” Lisa laughed. 

 “Oh, we all definitely will! It’s the height of summer and that thing can fit a dozen people. Ample room for comfort!” Scott enthused. He should be a salesman. 

 “And it’d be a real shame if you didn’t join in, Bernette.” 

 She felt her skin heat up under Chris’ gaze as he attempted to hide the fact he was looking at her by taking another long swig from his beer bottle. “I’m not apologising for that by the way. As a man and your friend, I can say that and you can’t get mad at me.” 

 “What?” Scott asked. It was a valid question in the circumstances. “What a…weird thing to say.” Scott laughed a little uncomfortably but Chris didn’t break eye contact with Sarah. 

 “So,” Michael attempted to add some humour back into the room. “Bet it’s nice sleeping during the daytime now you’re on lates? I used to love lazing around the house when I did them.” 

 Scott nodded enthusiastically in agreement, slapping his hand on the table. “I remember night shoots on this one TV drama I did a few years ago and honestly, the sleep I got the next day was the best ever. I don’t know why but I always tend to sleep better in the daytime.” 

 “Funny, that’s what your teachers used to say.” Chris joked, swigging his beer. Lisa giggled and fondly touched her son’s elbow. 

 “Oh ha ha ha. You’re so funny. I swear if you’re this amusing this weekend, I might not survive my sides splitting open.” Scott rolled his eyes. “Which reminds me, we should figure out rooms now so there’s no fighting on the day. No way am I sharing with this idiot.” 

 “You only wanna do that ‘cos you know we’ll be there first and we will be bagsying the attic this time.” Shanna thumbed the space between her and Sarah. 

 “You don’t deserve the attic.” Chris pointed. “You’ll be half-cut the entire weekend, like last time. You won’t enjoy the space or the views.” 

 “Excuse me? What do you care?” Shanna retorted. 

 “You spent a whole day in bed with a hangover last time. If you’re gonna be sharing with Sarah, it’s not fair on her to have to look after you. Again. It’ll spoil her weekend as well.” He explained. “She deserves a break just as much as you do.” 

 Shanna looked aghast at her friend before regarding her brother again. She shook her head in disbelief. “I can handle my drink, OK? I was just gonna say that it wouldn’t be fair if Scott got that room all to himself. Especially if he’s on his own again.” 

 “Thanks sis.” 

 “Sorry, Scott. But…y’know. If anything, Mom should have it.” She suggested, looking towards her mother in hopes that she might appreciate the offer.

“Thanks sweetie but I’ll be staying in the guest house this time. With Carly, Mikey and the kids.” 

 “Since when?” Chris asked, surprised. 

 “We just figured it would be easier this time around. Plus, I can help with the kids and you guys can sort breakfast for us all. Get your pancake apron out again, hun.” She winked at him, sipping her wine. 

 “Chris is a great tosser.” Shanna said under her breath. 

 “Shanna….” Lisa nudged her. 

 “Wait, so does this mean we get a room each then?” Scott interrupted. He wasn’t even sure of what he was saying as the wine haze gradually descended over him. “Sarah?” 

 “I have absolutely no idea.” 

 “I’ve lost track of what’s going on now.” Scott said. 

 “That doesn’t answer the question of who gets the attic, though?” Shanna asked, a little whinier than she had intended. 

 “If Sarah and I take the downstairs rooms, we can figure out breakfast in the mornings.” Chris suggested. “And you can have your precious attic. That makes it easier, right? Does that make you happy, Shanna? Good.” 

 “What’s crawled up your ass and died this evening?” Shanna asked, irritated. 

“Oh my god, Shanna, it’s a fucking bedroom.” He practically spitted. “You keep dragging everything out and making everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be.” 

 “No, I’m not!” 

 “Yes, you are! I’m just making the decisions so we can all move the fuck on.” 

“Chris!” Lisa reprimanded her son and regretted over-ordering on the wine. 

 “It’s alright now.” Sarah attempted to calm things down. “I think we’ve pretty much figured it out so it’ll be fine.” Carly nodded and nudged Michael to offer something by way of support but he looked just as baffled by the tension as she did. 

 Chris landed his bottle on the table hard. “Sarah, you don’t need to keep standing up for her. She’s a big girl. She should be able to figure it out now without you babysitting her all the goddamn time.” 

 “What?!” Shanna also slammed her glass down on the table and looked to Scott and Carly for some back-up but they both seemed frozen to their respective spots. “I don’t need babysitting.” 

 “OK, guys. Dessert? I have pecan pie and or ice cream?” Lisa offered, standing up from her seat and making a shade more noise than necessary in the hope it might snap the kids out of whatever funk they were in. 

 Chris glared at his sister a beat too long and she returned the favour before turning away with a look of disgust. “You’re gonna be heaps of fun this weekend, I can tell.” Shanna shrugged. “Clearly, I’m not the one we need to be concerned with. Maybe it’s you that needs babysitting?” 

 “Fuck you!” Chris stressed, just low enough to miss his mother’s ears. 

Carly’s eyes grew wide in shock and for a second, Chris looked like he might apologise. Sarah reached a hand under the table to gently tap Shanna on her leg. Shanna felt it but didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she leant on her elbow and rubbed her earlobe between her thumb and forefinger, a sure sign she was feeling upset and possibly trying to stop tears forming. Sarah tried to get Chris’ gaze back on her but he continued eying his sister, no apology yet materialising. He was a loose cannon when he was in this mood and she didn’t much want to stick around and find out what might happen if he downed another beer. 

 “We should probably think about heading home, Shan. I’ll check for an Uber.” Sarah stated. 

 “Don’t do that, I’ll give you a lift, hun. It won’t take long. We can have some pie and then go if you like.” Carly offered with a wink and for the first time that evening, Sarah noticed she hadn’t been drinking. 

 “Always looking out for you, aren’t we?” Chris said, lowly. 

 “Do you wanna calm down?” Shanna asked. 

 “I am calm.” Chris replied. “I’m just having a nice time, right? That’s what we’re all doing here, yeh? Sarah?” 

 “Sorry?” 

 “Are you having a good time?” He pressed. 

 She was sure he was leading her into a trap. 

 “I am OK. Sure.” She spoke each syllable carefully, trying to warn him off from whatever his motive was. 

 “I don’t believe you.” 

 She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, or anyone. She held her hands in her lap and paid attention to the air she was now breathing in deeply. 

 “Oh Jesus Christ!” Shanna called out. She was growing more and more frustrated with her brother by the second. 

 “Shanna!” intercepted Lisa. 

 “No! He’s being a dick and I wanna know why!” She turned back to Chris. “What the hell have I done to piss you off?!” 

 He stayed quiet, blocking her voice out. He focussed as much of his energy as he could at Sarah sitting across from him, willing her to look back at him, to let him know it was going to be OK. He swung between feeling regret and feeling practically and absurdly confident. It was the beer obviously. It really felt like a now-or-never moment. Fuck it. 

 “I’m sorry, Sarah.” 

 Sarah finally looked up at him, tears appearing in the corners of her eyes. Her feet felt like they were weighed down with concrete to the spot underneath. She tried to feel them, to grab at the carpet between her toes. She was pretty sure she could no longer hear what was going on around her as she felt her heart beat inside her ears. 

 “Why are you apologising to her? I’m the one that’s upset!” countered Shanna, jabbing her finger at him, aggressively. 

 He shook his head before looking back at his sister. “I’m sorry, Shanna. I wish there was a better way of saying this but I guess not. I’m just…” 

He paused as he tried to find the words. Sarah felt her heart sink. What felt like goosebumps suddenly appeared up and down her arms. Chris looked at her again. Scott looked at her, too, picking up on something for the first time but what, he couldn’t work out. Damn that second bottle. 

 “I’m just tired.” Chris offered. Carly looked to Michael but he knew nothing of what was happening. “Of this.” 

 “Is it work again?” Lisa enquired. “Maybe you could work in some time off this time around, so you’re not away from home for as long.” 

 “No, it’s not work, ma. I’m just tired in general. Of a lot of things. People.” He pronounced each syllable as clearly as he possibly could. “And I know it sounds pathetic and you’re probably thinking I’m being selfish but I really don’t fucking care.” 

 “I…I don’t understand, honey.” 

 “Yeh, what are you talking about?” Shanna turned to her friend but her stare wasn’t quite matched by Sarah who looked like she was waiting for the ground to swallow her whole. “Does anyone know what the hell he’s talking about? Or why I am in the firing line for it all of a sudden?” 

 “Shan, I don’t think-” Scott started but the glare from his sister stopped him in his tracks. Scott looked at Sarah and things started falling into place. For some reason, of all the memories to have at that moment in time, his mind flashed back to standing out on his brother’s terrace on the evening of his birthday party. Chris had been distracted and checking his phone, even more than usual so Scott was certain it had something to do with a girl. Normally, he’d feel a sense of pride at being right but it didn’t feel altogether appropriate in the current circumstances. 

 “What the hell is going on?” Shanna pressed. She looked to Scott who had his gaze fixed firmly on his brother. “Do you know, Scott?” 

 Scott looked to his brother and when Chris met his gaze, he knew. He knew Scott knew, too. Call it brotherly intuition but something had connected for him and Chris was all the more grateful for it. 

 “Do you ever feel tired or dictating everyone else’s happiness?” Chris asked, breaking the silence. 

 Shanna dropped her hands on her lap in frustration. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? When have I ever dictated your happiness?” 

 “Do you even realise what people do for you? Do you ever take notice of everyone around you, going out of their way to make you feel better even if it makes them feel worse? Take tonight for example. Sarah doesn’t even wanna drive this weekend. She fuckin’ hates it, you know this, but she’s doing it anyway so that you can feel useful. It’s pathetic.” 

 “What? You heard her, she just offered.” 

 “Because you’ve been moaning about not having anything to do! If you’d just moved on, shut up, she probably wouldn’t have needed to.” 

 “That’s not true. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shanna dismissed him. 

 “Why don’t I get the car running and you guys can meet me outside in 5?” Carly proposed, indicating to Sarah that she should try and gather her things, Shanna included. 

 Chris completely ignored Carly. “And you’ve asked her what she wants, right?” 

“Chris, please…” It was pathetic. Sarah knew that. 

 “I just don’t get it, Sarah.” He turned to her with a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve thought about it all week but I just don’t understand what you are getting out of this. Surely, I give you more than this?” 

 “OK.” Lisa got up from the table and moved round to where Shanna was sitting, rubbing a hand across the back of her shoulders as though it was in preparation of something, but Shanna abruptly pushed her hand away. 

 “Sarah and I have been seeing each other. For a little while. A few months maybe, I lost track of time.” 

 Shanna’s jaw dropped. Scott should have felt something but after glancing at his mother stood in front of him on the other side of the table, and recognising the same look in her eyes, he stayed quiet. He saw Sarah close her eyes and figured someone should try and comfort her, too, but it was hard to know where to stand.

 Shanna found some strength to open her mouth a few times but no sound came out, until… “What?” 

 “You don’t need to worry, though. It’s over now.” He placed his bottle of beer on the table and leaned back. He placed his fingers on the edge, running them up and down the smooth, varnished wood. “She ended it by the way. Because she knew you wouldn’t be happy.” 

 Shanna’s mouth hung open, dry. “Is that true?” She turned to Sarah. “Were you with him?”

 “I just said so, didn’t I?” 

 “I wasn’t asking you!” 

 Chris wasn’t sure what he was hoping for in that moment. He looked at Sarah and felt sadness. Sadness at the pain evidently coursing through her body in that moment. She looked small and deflated somehow. He felt astonishingly sober, more’s the pity. He wished he could go to her and hold her but he knew it was the last thing she wanted. Probably what anyone would have wanted. It wouldn’t have helped matters and he wasn’t sure anything he could say now would do that job either. 

 Sarah took in an audible breath and looked at her friend. She blinked back the few tears that had gathered but it only seemed to make things worse. “I’m…sorry. I don’t know what to say.” 

 “I think I’ll just…” Michael pointed to the door and left the table as quickly as he could manage, no doubt to fill Carly in. 

 “Oh my God.” Shanna replied. She put her face in her hands and didn’t move. “I don’t believe this.” 

 Sarah looked beyond Shanna to Lisa who offered her a surprisingly reassuring smile that she was definitely not expecting. Did she feel grateful for it? She had zero clue. “I’m so sorry.” 

 “We don’t have anything to be sorry for, Sarah.” It was the gentlest tone Chris had spoken in all night. “Shan, I know it’s a lot to take in right now but you should know that this wasn’t just some fling or something utterly stupid. There’s a real thing here.” He looked to Sarah for reassurance. “Right?” 

 Sarah couldn’t look him in the eye. 

 “OK, I know I haven’t handled this in the best way-” 

 “-That’s an understatement.” Scott finally found his voice. 

 “-I accept that and for that, I am really sorry, I promise you. But you have to see things from my perspective here.” 

 “Chris, I don’t think that’s what needs to be said right now, OK? Your sister is very upset and I think you should maybe head home to sleep this off. Scott, can you...?” 

Scott nodded in agreement and left the room to grab both their jackets. 

 “Mom, this isn’t-” 

 “-I know.” She held her hand up to stop him. The less he said now, the better. At least until a few hours had been put between them. Chris, resigned, agreed. 

He looked at Sarah again hoping for something, anything, that might make him think things were going to be alright. Lisa noticed the plea in his eyes, practically begging her to look at him. 

“Sarah, sweetheart, you both can stay here tonight. I think we should probably be together for a bit, yeh?” 

 Sarah was flummoxed by the offer but grateful at the same time. She knew Shanna wouldn’t say anything to her if they just went home again, if she would even come back to their apartment at all. She’d shut her bedroom door and not emerge for some time and that would have driven her mad. She wanted to get out of there as fast as she could but…this was perhaps better. Safer. 

 It was going to be a long night. 

 *

[halothenthehorns]

All in the Family

Chapter 34: The Chamber of Secrets

The sensation of falling wasn't unknown to a Quidditch player, but James usually had control of it! Instead he was left a screaming, flailing mess as something hard slid along his back, and there was minimal lighting at best as pockets of air kept shooting in his face like he was being spun past whirlpools. He was sure he screamed, and it wasn't just him.

There was an unsavory crack upon his landing, and the shooting pain of landing on his rear led him to the fearful belief at first he'd cracked a bone in his arse. Scrambling madly to his feet to detect any damage and deny any such thing lest his friends die of laughter, his hands scraped over something that too cracked and shifted beneath him, something even digging into his palm as he got upright. The pain lingered, but no worse than usual, so he let out a final gust of relived breath he not only could stretch as much as need be, but there was plenty of space around, even if it was all pitch black.

Then he shivered and swallowed loudly upon realizing this same thing. "Guys?" He called hoarsely, from dust hovering about the place he assured himself, not any sort of fright of what could be lurking around this unknown area.

Seven calls came back in varying degrees of pain, then one pitched higher than the rest. "Eww, get it out!"

"Evans?" He called quickly, stumbling in his haste to try and pinpoint her voice and flaming hair in the gloom.

"There's something in my hair," she insisted as he slowly came into sight, indeed swiping at her long locks. He could just make out something gossamer indeed tangled in, and so desperate was she to get it out, she didn't even argue the point as he stepped forward and helped her.

"Here, I got a light," Smith popped up beside them and did as such as James pulled off something long and white clinging to her.

"It's on you too," she wretched, stepping away from him and still batting at herself in disgust. "What is that stuff?"

James knew from his many escapades deep in the forest, but didn't want to tell her.

"Think it's spiderweb," Regulus called, his voice still far enough away in the gloom it was echoing, but his tone was almost semi-conversational. Between Evans being more repulsed by her situation than being near him and the young Black's gratitude of being able to stretch again, everyone seemed in an almost pleasant mood. "I'm guessing we were just in Aragog's cupboard Hagrid kept him in."

"Well, I guess I count that as the lesser of two evils, considering where we could have ended up," Peter said from close behind him. He was trying to shuffle around much more carefully than anyone else, but the sharp snapping noise every time he moved his foot still echoed about them.

"Great, now we know where we were, let's have a chat about this place," Longbottom sighed, lighting his wand too and raising it as high as he could. Still farther off in the distance, James could only make out the source of the brightness, but everyone made little gasping noises of surprise that finally had him looking down too.

Eight sharp sounds of rat bones now snapping beneath them filled the chamber at once. None succeeded as the floor was absolutely littered with them.

"Did we find where Mrs. Norris stashes her meals?" Peter demanded in a wobbly voice, and James really couldn't blame him for being a little extra sick at the idea of this.

"This place is huge," Sirius disagreed. "There's no way we're on Hogwarts grounds and we don't know of this area."

"So conceded, the lot of you," Evans huffed, crossing her arms and glaring up at James as if he'd said the words. Though he hadn't exactly disagreed with his best mate either. "You think you know every inch of this entire castle and it's grounds."

James bit down on his lip to stop himself pointing out their map of the place should be evidence enough, but instead offered her a saucy smile and opened his arms invitingly. "I'd gladly search them all with you Evans."

She rolled her eyes and walked away, James watched her go in the dim light for a moment with an incorrigible smile before turning to Peter and whispering softly, "keep your eyes up mate, I do not like to think what led Harry down here."

"Don't have to tell me twice," Peter agreed, his face still a bit green around the edges as he reached over and plucked a little rat bone out of James' palm.

More than ready to get out of this place, James summoned the book to him. The sound of yet more bones scattering around them as it flew to his hand sent shivers up his spine, where he hoped it stayed, instead of splayed out around him. The second he flipped the book open to where the chapter began, his breath stopped cold in his heart.

"James? Prongs? What's wrong?" Remus and Sirius were suddenly surrounding him, and the cascade of noise beneath their feet should have made that much more obvious. It was hard to hear anything over the sudden pounding of his heart though when he answered.

"I think I know where we are." Taking one more shallow breath, he managed to get out the chapter title in barely more than a whisper.

He swore the air around them got colder, even as everyone tried to step a bit closer to each other.

"How, why is Harry in here?!" Evans's voice echoed more than ever in their surroundings as no one even seemed to be breathing anymore in fear of attracting anythings attention.

"I'm more concerned with getting us out, I'm sure we'll get your answer as we do," Longbottom called. James took another uneasy breath, but readily agreed with that.

Thankfully the beginning of the chapter didn't start with anything too harrowing, just the boys rehashing everything. Nothing of interest happened at all really until Ginny arrived acting like a suspicious little thing, but James excused that as a first year acting as scared as the rest of the school was. Merlin, Evans still was, and she was the toughest person he knew. Yet he saw it every time he looked out of the corner of his eye at her, the way her hands shook, the way she stood ready to run at a moments notice since these attacks had begun, how she was actually seeking out companionship from someone other than Snivellus in Longbottom and Smith.

Peter had to jab him in the side to remind him to continue, and he dragged his eyes back to Percy acting like a shifty git. They were all eternally grateful Moony hadn't let his Prefect status change anything about him.

McGonagall catching the boys trying to sneak off and see Myrtle, and the exchange that instead caused them to go visit Hermione was at first the highlight of his day.

"She always was a sucker for our sob stories the most," Sirius agreed with chipper.

"You know, after she took away fifteen points each for catching us in the first place," Peter rolled his eyes.

The boys were having so much fun reminiscing James was hardly paying attention to a word he was reading, and almost glossed right over the detail of what Hermione had in her hand.

"A, a basilisk?" The demanded question came out in such a soft hiss, the others all shifted around in unease waiting for the beast to show its face. Frank couldn't even attempt to keep going without that same panic in his voice. "How, that's not possible- a basilisk!"

"It makes sense though," Remus managed in just as low a whisper, crowding closer to his friends and eyes peeling through every shadow. "All the clues Harry just spelled out were right there the whole time." He was kicking himself now for not thinking about this more, every time the stray thought occurred to him to investigate and put together the same his friends distracted him, as usual.

"We really need to start paying more attention to this stuff," James managed in a hoarse voice he still tried to make lighthearted.

"It's not as if there's one down here," Sirius made a brave stab and a much better attempt at sounding casual. "If Slytherin put it down here, I mean, even those snakes can't live as long ago as that."

"But there's something prowling around the school now," Peter reminded, eyes flickering in so many directions he was worried they were going to fall free of his head. "And whoever's opening the Chamber now could have just as likely put one down there, especially if it's the same person who done it fifty years ago. Basilisks live a couple hundred, yes?"

Regulus watched from the mouth of the tunnel as the lot of them debated this with disbelief. He'd had his suspicions it was some sort of monstrous snake for ages, and here they were arguing the point even when that little Muggleborn good as confirmed it. He could only watch the back and forth for so long before he finally burst, "would you get on with it! What does it matter, we're still stuck down here until you bloody finish!"

There was an odd silence as everyone turned to him in surprise, before he managed to spot Sirius' flashing smile. "Mother would be so disappointed, you speaking out of turn like that."

"Shove it Sirius! I just want to go home!" His voice had managed to remain calm and collected this entire time, but the force of his words he was sure must be impactful. He could swear even the ceiling let out a trickle of dust.

Potter continued anyways, clearly eager now to at least admit to the fact getting out of this place would be the better option. He'd barely managed to get to the revelation of McGonagall summoning all the teachers though when the ceiling began to more than sprinkle dust, it suddenly became a flood, and before anyone had time to process more, the whole Earth seemed to be shaking around them. He was sure someone shouted out the command to run, as if that weren't obvious enough. Jumping back into the tunnel as the first bit of safety his mind latched onto, he clung to the hard metal that barely allowed him to rise off the ground it was so slick, the curve that had shot them all out impossible to actually find purchase on. He felt right through his bones the shattering of the ceiling behind him.

He tried to take a breath, but all that came up was a sharp, painful cough as dust continued to settle around him. Refusing to let himself stay curled up in here a moment longer, he poked his head back out and swore his heart stopped in surprise.

"Sirius?" The uneven croak could have come from anyone, surely it hadn't been his voice to crack like that upon seeing the wall that had bombarded them from nowhere.

There was more coughing now, he was sure it wasn't his own! Fighting his own legs refusing to uncurl from his position, he eased back onto the leveled ground and demanded his eyes to focus in this new gloom, the dust still lingering at all levels in the air like he was trying to see through mist.

Movement, and he was stumbling forward, still fighting back his own cough just to get a glimpse, yes! Sirius was doubled over, holding his chest in discomfort for coughing so hard even as he was still trying to stagger about like a drunkard. Potter was right beside him, patting his back and alternately glancing at Evans, whom he barely recognized now. Her shock of red hair looked as if it had aged a couple hundred years in the span of the few seconds. He was sure none of them looked any better.

He heard voices as if from a long ways off, his ears still ringing so loud it was hard to distinguish who was shouting for who, but at least someone else had survived on the other side of the wall. Sirius caught himself then, eyes darting back to awareness in a panic and at once latching onto his brother. The relief that actually flew onto his face was too much for Regulus to process all at once, and he sat down on the spot, too tired to fight back his own coughing.

"Hey, hey, it's fine. Come on Reg, let it all out," Sirius promised, his voice probably not as soothing as he was going for as restricted as it still was, but patting him roughly on the back had the same effect.

"We're fine, hey Wormtail, don't do anything stupid! Yes, all four of us, we are fine."

Potter's voice sure could carry, even managing to make itself heard through the pounding of his head, surely the others on that side heard as well. Still eyeing his best mate, he directed towards Evans now, "you sure you're alright?"

"I, ah, yes," she muttered, carding her fingers through her hair without purpose, looking him full in the face with pure shock. Regulus didn't know what had happened there, but he could imagine it. Everyone else had made a run for the other side, the opening none of them had wanted to go near. Potter and his own brother though, hadn't. What had Evans been doing to have her unwanted admirer seek her out? What had Sirius been thinking coming back!

Mother was on the verge of disowning him if he did one more thing to disgrace their name, and he'd given no uncertain emotion he was okay with that. Sirius had been avoiding him the entire time they'd been to school together and they'd had little to no contact even during the holidays.

So what had possessed him to come charging this way? Aside from backing up his best mate...

"Look, if everyone's still breathing, I'm going to bloody finish this before the rest of the roof goes!" Potter called out. He had to clear his throat several times, and still only managed some painful coughs for his efforts.

"Here, cup your hands," Evans suddenly said. Potter gazed at her for a second before tucking the book under his arm and doing as asked. With a wave of her wand and a quiet uttered word, a fresh pool of water appeared. He took a tentative sip, spilling most of it down his chin.

"Thanks," he finally said in a clear voice again. She just nodded once, crossing her arms defensively again once more and turning her attention back to the wall, brushing her fingers across the rough surface.

Potter finally went on reading, and the horrifying news there was a little girl dragged down here all on her own was enough to make him wish the ceiling had caved in the rest of the way, blocking anyone from ever being down here again. Ginny, a little pureblood who'd never done anything to anyone.

"Reg, here, would you put these on already." He startled, not having realized Sirius had even stayed beside him this whole time. He felt so out of it the basilisk could probably appear at this point and his head was still so stuffy he wouldn't even be able to run. This could be remedied by the shoes his brother was holding out.

"Where did you get those? You really been toting them around with you this whole time?"

"Nah, I've always been good at transfiguration," Sirius rolled his eyes without care. Regulus felt his mouth open in surprise as he glanced down at the piles of rocks now all around, his mind still drawing a blank at such advanced magic when most students in his brothers year were still struggling to turn mice invisible, let alone into something completely other.

"Thanks," was the only thing he could manage to whisper. Regulus knew he was many things, but not a fool. Knowing when to accept something had always been one of his biggest attributes, his mother had always praised, so he accepted the boots while bunching up a handful of his dusty robes and trying to wipe up several scrapes of blood across his feet. The stinging didn't even start until after the first few swipes, proving just how numb he'd been to the world.

"Oh here, let me," Sirius quickly waved his hand away, and a few quick utterances later with his wand and Regulus' feet were bare of anything except skin once more.

"Have a secret talent for healing charms as well?" He muttered curiously as he slipped the socks and shoes on.

"Practice," was the only vague answer he was going to get, as Sirius was no longer paying him any attention, his entire focus suddenly back on Potter and the book.

Regulus understood why. He'd only been half listening to the poor Weasley family's suffering and the boys attempts to right the wrong, and really what had they been thinking going to a fool like Lockhart for help? Now here that old fraud was, being even more of a bastard than any of them could have predicted.

"I swear when we get out of this, I'm going to make sure that fool doesn't have a head to use, let alone a hand to write those lies with," Potter hissed, his hands fisting along the books bindings.

"Oh this can't be good!" Evans groaned in protest as the boys next leap of logic was to take that neanderthal with them to this very place. Their presence down here left none of them in doubt Harry and Ron would find a way down to where they currently were.

Indeed they did, with a little help from Myrtle pointing them in the right direction of a tap, with a snake on it.

It didn't take long after that to find out what had caused the cave to collapse, and every one of them had the urge to do something much stronger than just kick Lockhart in retaliation.

James clung to as much relief as he did fear in these last pages as Harry forged on ahead, alone. At least he could still rely on his friends around him as they were plunged into the next unknown.

[meggtheegg]

ooh would love to hear you elaborate on autistic!evan please? :))

Okay yes!So. Basically:Throughout the play, Evan shows many symptoms of autism (specifically Asperger’s.) The level of those symptoms varies by actor but there is evidence in just the script that backs my point up.

First, obviously, there’s his social anxiety. Now, of course, social anxiety can be its own thing, but it often goes hand-in-hand with autism, because people on the spectrum have trouble knowing how to behave in a socially acceptable way and often face criticism and backlash for things they didn’t realize were issues.

Then, there’s another big one: his fixation on trees. He brings them up almost constantly, sometimes at points where there’s no obvious reason to bring them up. He writes himself talking about them, unprompted, in Sincerely Me, with the assumption that looking at cool pictures of trees will help someone feel better. And he probably does this a lot in the fake emails we don’t see, considering that Alana becomes convinced that Connor is obsessed with trees. Jared uses it to make a point to Evan about how much he’s pushed Connor out of the narrative. (”If there’s one thing about Connor, the guy loved trees. No, wait. You love trees.”) This is exactly how a lot of autistic people treat their special interests. Wanting to talk about them all the time, changing the subject to turn an unrelated conversation into one about those special interests, becoming an “expert” on them and assuming that other people will get excited about them, too. 

Now, with those two things out of the way, there’s the slightly more subtextual stuff.Evan is very black-and-white in the way he thinks about things. And he takes a lot at face value. When Jared jokes that he broke his arm by jerking off too much, he reacts as if people will believe that he did, even though it’s obviously a joke. He believes Jared and Alana’s very thin facades, and that leads to him falling out with both of them, because he assumes that Jared won’t care if he cuts him out and that Alana isn’t emotionally invested in the Connor Project. He believes Heidi thinks he’s broken because she put him on meds (which, if he’s misdiagnosed and on the spectrum, probably don’t work anyway, but more on that later) and decides that she sees him as a burden. He thinks she won’t mind that he’s at the Murphys’ house instead of at Jared’s because he’s out either way, so why does it matter where he is? He sees all the bad parts of his mom, but all the good parts of the Murphys, not noticing their better-concealed but pretty major problems. He thinks that because they dote on him and don’t push him to get help that they like him more than his mom does. They show more obvious, outward signs of affection, and that is very clear. No interpretation needed. Heidi is trying her best and definitely loves him, but to an autistic kid, that’s a lot harder to see. 

He misunderstands people’s intentions all the time, like with Alana and Jared, with his assumption that Connor took the note in order to bully him with it, thinking that Zoe was breaking up with him when she came over, etc.

He doesn’t connect the dots with social expectations. He’s taken aback at the idea that he’d be expected to give a speech at the kickoff event for the Connor Project, even though it should be obvious. He doesn’t initially realize that the Murphys are going to want to see him again after that first dinner, and that they’ll want to see the supposed “emails.” (And he fails to notice the pretty gay implications of his story until Jared points it out, after which he goes noticeably far to try to shake that idea off.) And that lack of social awareness leads to him doing things he shouldn’t. He gets pulled into the lie and lets it spiral out of control, unaware of how wrong it is and how he’s making it worse. He brushes Jared and Heidi off and replaces them, then is taken aback when they’re upset about it. He kisses Zoe without realizing how wildly inappropriate it is. 

He tends to talk too much, going off on tangents to try to clarify what he’s saying even if clarification isn’t needed. (”I love jazz. Well, not all jazz, but definitely like, jazz-band-jazz, that’s so weird, I’m sorry.” “Well, sometimes. If he brought it up. I never brought it up. Obviously. Why would I have brought it up?”)

He seems to have sensory issues, too. A lot of his worst decisions are made in a desperate attempt to make the people around him stop yelling. That was what caused him to not tell the truth about the note in the first place. He’s also always very aware of how sweaty his hands are, and he often stops to just touch and feel things to ground himself. A lot of actors have him often messing with his clothes, especially his collar, as if he’s bothered by how it’s brushing against his skin.

He has trouble in social situations where he doesn’t have a general planned idea of what to say. He always starts his description of breaking his arm with “I fell out of a tree, actually…” and clearly has the way he’ll tell the story clearly planned out in his head. His interactions with his mom generally seem kind of wooden and practiced. When forced into situations with the Murphys that he doesn’t have a script for, he gets panicked and escalates things. He has a panic attack when he drops his notecards. He’s also very repetitive and clings onto things he’s used to and comfortable with. He repeats the lie in the same way so many times that Alana gets annoyed with him, saying something like “Yes, I know the story, Evan. We’ve all heard the story. You’re like a broken freaking record about it.” Zoe has to ask him to stop talking about the Connor Project. Also, based on the book, he sticks very closely to a routine. He has the same lunch every single day (and sits in the same spot, I believe.) He describes his letter-writing process in a very step-by-step, planned out, repetitive way. There are probably more examples but I haven’t read the book in a while and I think I’ve made my point.

Also, a lot of this is down to acting choices, but most actors I’ve seen play Evan with a lot of “tics” and fidgeting, ie. stimming, and a tendency to avoid eye contact. Some of them give him issues with volume control. At one point my brother noticed that Michael Lee Brown even went for some subtle echolalia. He also sometimes squeaks a lot or makes other noises and gestures that seem to have no clear purpose.

What really seals the deal for me is the whole medication/feeling broken thing. It was almost definitely not Steven Levenson’s intent but hey, death of the author. I interpret the text, not the intention. A major criticism of the show is that Evan goes off his meds and is totally fine afterwards. That is not a good message to send and seems poorly thought out for a show that seems to have thought of a lot. But, if he was misdiagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, etc, medication wouldn’t do what it was supposed to. It obviously wouldn’t make him less autistic, and could actually make him feel worse because they’re supposed to “fix” him and aren’t doing that. Autism isn’t a treatable thing, especially not with pills. Maybe the meds alleviated the anxiety, but his social struggles didn’t go away. And that convinces him that there is something inherently wrong, or broken about him. (”I’d rather pretend I’m something better than these broken parts / Pretend I’m something other than this mess that I am.”) He’s being treated for the wrong disorder, so of course it’s not working. Of course stopping them doesn’t really make a difference. If the causes of his anxiety were lessened, it could be possible that by the time he stopped, they were doing nothing at all for him, anyway.

Writing affirmation letters and taking anxiety medication doesn’t take away sensory issues or difficulty with social cues. It doesn’t stop special interests from being the only thing you want to talk about. It doesn’t stop the desperate desire to fit in and no idea how to. And in Evan’s specific case, it didn’t stop him from being constantly berated by his overly honest only friend over things he didn’t realize were socially unacceptable. It didn’t stop his mom from acting like he wasn’t trying. It didn’t stop the rest of the school from ostracizing him. 

That’s what made him cling onto the Murphys. They made him feel like he wasn’t broken. Zoe treated his struggles and quirks like they were endearing instead of annoying. Larry and Cynthia never acted like he was different and encouraged him to go out of his comfort zone, but not to the point that it felt like they were pushing. They treated him the way they treated anyone else. And that was all he wanted. 

[sampevans]

Uphill Battle

INVOLVED: Samuel Evans, Siena Evans, and Ava Evans TIME FRAME: Wednesday, March 18th, 2020 LOCATION: Evans’ Home; Seattle, Washington SUMMARY: Siena comes to her parents telling them that she was afraid to pursue legal actions against Jessie and that she no longer wanted to.

Siena moved down the hallway, her hands fidgeting with nothing in particular as she knocked on her parents’ bedroom door gently. She had her head down because she knew she was about to do something that was going to disappoint them greatly, but in her mind, she had to tell them exactly how she felt and why.

Ava laid in bed, rolled over onto her side as she stared at the TV, chuckling a little towards the screen. She was twelve weeks, the last week of her first trimester, and she was elated. She was finally starting to feel a bit better; her morning sickness was subsiding; she had more energy. Things were looking up, at least for the time being, she knew from previous pregnancies that the second trimester was the sweet spot before, the third hit and things went downhill again. However, for now, she would enjoy the grace that the second trimester brought her. She shifted slightly, stretching out her legs as she placed a hand on her small baby bump that was slowly but surely beginning to protrude a bit. She was a big woman, so it didn’t look like much, but she knew it was there. Her twins were healthy and growing.

Samuel sat in a chair in the room, Maya had actually managed to land him a government job and he had dove into it headfirst wanting to make up for the last several months he hadn’t done so. No one asked him to, he could have started off at a small pace, but he had to prove he was as good as Maya made him out to be. He owed her that much. Ignoring the tv and his wife’s chuckles he looked up hearing a knock at their door for a moment before his eyes moved back to the MacBook. “Come in” he breathed easily, his voice carrying as he continued to type again on the keyboard.

Siena waited patiently for someone to say something and when her father finally did, she opened the door and let herself in. She looked at them both timidly and she sighed “can I talk to you guys?” she asked her mother and father quietly her head still bent downwards as she didn’t budge to look at them directly.

Ava looked over at her husband as he spoke and she looked to the door confused, not having heard anyone knock. However, as Siena entered slowly, Ava sat up a bit, propping herself up on her elbows as she muted the TV. “Of course, sweetheart,” she said as she patted a spot by her on the bed.

Samuel watched Siena walk into the room with them and he watched the door close behind her. Looking over to his wife he nodded his head “yeah” he agreed as he moved to save his document and he sat his computer aside as he looked to them both from where he sat.

Siena finally looked up moving to her mother, she sat down on the bed before she looked back at Samuel. “I wanted to talk to you about… him” she breathed her eyes gazing down at the ground.

Ava sat up fully as Siena sat down beside her and she slid over to Siena in the bed, wrapping her arms around her child at her words, knowing whatever she was about to sat had to be hard. She was still so livid at the thought of that boy. She always would be. He had violated her child. As a mother, she felt very conflicted in her feelings. She wanted to kill the boy with her bare hands, but she knew that she couldn’t. She wouldn’t put another mother through that pain, but God, did the idea make her feel good.

At Siena words Samuel stayed seated where he was, with work and that he was swamped and tired. But he could be the man they needed him to be, all of them. No matter what Mercedes friends thought and said. He licked his lips slowly and waited for the blow that would hit them due to whatever she had to say.

Siena looked at her mother as she moved beside her, and she said “I don't want to do the whole case thing” easily. She just blurted it out “can't we just stop it?” she asked them next still playing with her fingers.

Siena’s words hit Ava hard and she let out a harsh breath as she looked over at her husband, her hands rubbing up and down Siena’s arms instinctively. She did not want to hear this. She wanted that boy behind bars, rotting until the end of eternity for what he had done, but she also had to respect her daughters wishes. “A-are you sure?” she asked Siena, still in a bit of shock.

Samuel listened to Siena as she spoke before them and he sighed heavily, this is not what he wanted to hear. “No” he said to his wife because the better question was “why Siena?” he asked now. “He can do this to another girl” he said to her as he stood up moving in their direction.

Ava looked back at her husband at his protest and she sighed deeply, her eyes closing for a moment. “Baby girl, your father is right,” she said, still rubbing Siena’s arms. “The only way to stop him from thinking what he has been doing is okay is to place him behind bars,” she said softly. “Not fighting this, lets him run off and take advantage of countless more girls,” she tried to reason with Siena. “If the last girl had of spoken up and fought, this wouldn’t of happened to you,” she said softly.

Siena looked at her mother ignoring her father for the time being and she looked back down. “I don’t think I can do it” she told them easily. Losing all her words and thoughts now here in the moment with them.

Samuel looked to Ava and then to the girl, he folded his arms over his chest as he listened. “So, one has to fight against him and sorry, I wish it didn’t have to be you. But you have to use your voice for a greater good Siena. You are stronger than you think, you can do what those other girls could not do” she breathed out. “Think about it, why would you want to see anyone else suffer….”

Siena looked at her father on the brink of tears and said “because I am scared dad” forcefully.

Ava frowned at Siena even more and she sighed out deeply as she hugged her daughter close to her chest. “Baby girl,” she said softly as she looked over at her husband. Siena’s outburst startled her, and she looked down at Siena shocked. “It’s okay to be scared sweetheart,” she said as she held Siena tighter. “You’re telling your story,” she said softly. “It’s going to be hard,” she said, “but you’ll come out the other side even stronger,” she whispered to her as she began to rock Siena in her arms.

Samuel looked at her and he looked down at her outburst, moving to pace in the other direction he sighed heavily as he leaned his back against a wall behind them. He tilted his head up and looked at the ceiling.

Siena looked to her mother and said as kindly as she could “please, don’t make me do this” he eyes glossing over. “If you loved me at all you would drop this please,” she said. His parents were going to make their lives hell and she knew it. “His parents are going to kill us” she said “they are going to make our lives hell” she stressed. “None of us can afford that right now” she told them both “especially not you mom” she reasoned easily.

Ava’s eyes watered at Siena’s words and her heart shattered in her chest as she began to sniffle, trying to hold it in. “Siena,” she said softly, her voice wavering a bit and she cleared her throat as she listened to her daughter, excusing her cursing in that moment. “You don’t have to,” she said softly, knowing her husband would not agree but they had to respect Siena’s wishes. “If you truly do not want to, you do not have to,” she said her voice trembling as she held back her tears.

Samuel looked to the back of their heads, fuck, just like that this kid got the opportunity to do as he pleased with innocent people and why? From fear. He licked his lips slowly and said nothing to either of them as he moved to sit back in his seat again.

Siena looked to her mother and she closed her eyes, falling into her mother and she squeezed her as tightly as she could. “I can’t let anything hurt or harm you three, mama” she said her head resting on her mother’s chest. “I am sorry if let you both down” she said sadly, defeat laced in her words.

Ava was trying her hardest to hold back her tears, but she was failing miserably. “Sweetheart,” she breathed out, “I’m fine,” she said, “the babies and I will continue to be fine,” she informed Siena lovingly as tears rolled down her cheeks. “You’re not letting us down,” she said gently, rubbing Siena tight. She knew her husband would feel differently but they had to support their child in this moment.

Samuel sat his arms resting on the armrest of the chair he was in; his hands were clasped before his lips. He wanted the motherfucker in prison so bad, he was literally biting down on the inside of his cheek, drawing blood now. He understood the girl’s nervousness, without much mention he could tell in their kid’s actions that they were trying desperately to make their mother’s life as stress free as possible. But this was bigger than then and two babies, there were girls hurting like her and he couldn’t imagine how much worse it could have been for them, or less. He needed to be punished.

Siena continued to cling to her mother, hearing her words and she sighed softly to herself. After the realization of why Blue was choosing to stay local and wait a year to go to school, she told herself she had to sacrifice something as well. Her mother meant the world to her, she couldn’t imagine life without her, and she knew this would end badly if she let them pursue this. She had heard stories by now, she knew what they were up against.

Ava rubbed Siena’s back, rocking her daughter in her arms as she clung to her. Ava pressed a soft kiss to Siena’s temple, and she said, “we love you no matter what and if you change your mind, we will always be here for you and handle it however you see fit,” sadly. It was breaking her heart to know that this boy would get to run free, sexually abusing other girls and getting away with it. “Do you want to continue therapy?” she asked quietly, sniffling a bit.

Siena nodded her head “yes ma’am” she said to her softly “it actually helps mama. I feel a little better each time I go” she confessed to them easily.

Nodding slowly, Ava pressed another kiss to Siena’s temple, letting her lips linger there. “Okay,” she said softly, her body rocking instinctively now as she cradled her child in her arms. “Whatever you want to do,” she repeated lovingly before she lifted her head, looking back at her husband with tear-filled eyes. They had to handle the situation one way or another.

Siena nodded, finding comfort in her mother’s arms for what it was worth all of them were their safest there. “Thank you, mom,” she said easily “and dad” she said though very quiet in those regards. Her father was a bit hard on them, they knew it was for good reason but sometimes even if they all didn’t say it, they knew they let him down in one way or another with their decisions in life. Licking her lips, she pulled away and looked to her mother “I’m going to go” she said softly looking back at her dad for a moment before she all but tiptoed out the room closing their door behind them.

Samuel avoided looking in his wife’s direction and he exhaled slowly as Siena excused herself from the room. He rested his head back on the chair and he shook it, wow, just like that, hard work on his and his wife part was down the drain.

Ava held Siena until she pulled away and she nodded a bit. “You’re welcome sweetheart,” she said in a soft tone. She watched Siena exit the room, waiting until the door closed before Ava got out of the bed and moved for their bathroom, connected to their room, and she shut the door behind her, crying.

Samuel watched as his wife got up and went into the bathroom and he let her bed, allowing her some space right now.

Ava pressed her back into the door, sobbing a bit as she did. She couldn’t believe this. How could Siena honestly expect them to do nothing. To accept a payout and move on. Turning, Ava opened the door and she stepped out, looking at her husband as she shook her head. “Sam…” she croaked.

Samuel looked to Ava as she finally moved for him and he reached out for her, ushering her to his lap and he hugged her tightly to his broad chest. “It’s okay Ava” he said to her strongly. “There’s no need to cry or worry. We all have choices in life, this is hers” he said reasonably. He pecked her forehead lovingly; he knew he’d take matters and justice into his own hands. That was the only way now.

Ava nodded slowly as Samuel pulled her into his lap and she curled into him, holding him tightly. “We still have to do something,” she said as she sniffled hard, a hiccup escaping her. “Baby we can’t just… let him be free,” she said as she shook with her tears.

“What did I say?” he asked her tilting her head up by her chin and he looked into her wet eyes. “There is no need for you to cry or worry” Samuel repeated himself.

Ava let out a deep sigh, sniffling. “Y-You’ll take care of it,” she said in a soft tone as she hiccuped again.

Samuel nodded his head at her and said “yes” to her as he caressed her sides lovingly. “I will handle it” he told her confidently.

[animator-2b]

Costume Prompt - Untitled

Last old halloween prompt thing. :D This one gets pretty dark.

Prompt - Scouring some old boxes, a collection of old Halloween costumes have been discovered. However, when worn, the people become what the costume is and they cannot take it off.

     Evan couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across his face as he looked up at the building. Tyler, however, grimaced, "Woooow…" He set Evan's suitcase to the side, "I know that you said this place was a fixer upper but…" He looked at the rotting wood, wondering why this house wasn't foreclosed, "Holy shit, this is way worse than I thought."

     "Well, yeah. I did get this place for dirt cheap, but I think it has charm!" Evan exclaimed, as he walked up to the door, "Plus, I can put my own touch into it when I fix it up."

     "When you fix it up?!" Tyler echoed as he picked Evan's suitcase back up and followed him, "Do you know anything about construction? Much less woodwork?!"

     Evan gave Tyler a big smile. A smile that thought the question was silly as Evan responded with a resounding, "Nope." While unlocking the door. Tyler could only shake his head as he followed Evan inside.

     The inside of the building looked much better than the outside, though it still screamed foreclosure to Tyler, among other things. Tyler had never really been a superstitious person. Not even believing charms that bring good luck. However, he certainly wasn't going to allow himself to die if it turned out the monsters in the closets were true. "Evan, why'd you have to pick the most haunted looking house for you doomed-from-the-start house flipping idea?"

     "Because I like a challenge." Evan remarked as he pulled another suitcase inside. "And only one person died in the house, so if it is haunted, I think I can take them."

     Tyler noticed Evan's tone. The tone that made groan along with preparing himself. Because he noticed that this was Evan's mischievous tone, and that always brought trouble, "I swear if you try to scare me, you're not going to have anymore teeth." He threatened, noticing the mischievous tone disappear as Evan awkwardly laughed. "So, someone died here?" Tyler asked out of genuine curiosity and wanting to change the subject. He didn't want to give Evan any ideas.

     "Oh, yeah. A woman was murdered by her husband." Evan pointed to a random spot in the hallway, "Like right there."

     Tyler had to fight himself in order to stop a shiver down his spine, "Whoa, okay."

     "Yeah, they thought that maybe the man had early onset dementia or was schizophrenic, since he kept screaming about how a monster took over his wife and attacked him." Evan paused, "Then the man killed himself out of guilt."

     "Damn…" Tyler looked back at the spot that Evan pointed at, wondering if the wood was a darker color because it was stained by blood, "Aaaand you bought this house why?"

     "Because it was cheap." Evan cheerfully responded, hoping to lift the somber atmosphere. He hummed in thought as he looked around the room, “Uuuuum, for now just leave my stuff in the living room. I’ll deal with it after I explore the place.”

     “Explore? Evan… You bought the fucking house how do you not know what it looks like on the inside.” At this point, Tyler was getting concerned that something was wrong with Evan. This seemed really out of place for his friend.

     Evan chuckled, “Of course I do, expect for the attic.”

     Tyler narrowed his eyes, “What?”

     Evan shrugged, “The guys that owned the place before I did lost the keys to the attic for a little bit, but they found it like a week ago.” Evan dug out the key from the pocket of his jeans, “Sooo, Imma go ‘sploring!”

     Tyler snorted when he recognized the imitation that Evan was doing, “You’ve been hanging out with Delirious too much.”

     “And that’s a bad thing?” Evan asked with a smug smile on his face, “Anyway, I’ll be right back.” Tyler nodded as he started to bring the suitcases into the living room, grimacing as he continued to look over the decrepit place. As Evan quickly jogged up the stairs towards the attic door.

     Evan opened the door after fighting to unlock it for awhile. It truly showed it's age as it groaned and creaked open. Evan mentally put that on his 'To repair' list before eagerly peeking inside the attic. Highly disappointed to see that only one box was left.

     However, there was still a chance that he could find something valuable or interesting. He kept his expectations low as he wipes off the layer of dust that was on top of the box. Looking to see if he could find a label on it before closing his eyes and opening it. He held his breath, not knowing what to expect as he opened his eyes and feeling his heart sink.

     It was a box of unused Halloween costumes. Evan sighed and picked up a mask. Noticing how high quality of a material it was made out of. Along with seemingly to be home-made rather than from a store. Evan hummed in curiosity as he put aside the mask and pulled out some more stuff.

     A uniform of some sort caught his eye and he unfolded it to get a better look at it. Laughing as a long dark purple cape unfolded with it. It was so long that Evan was sure if Tyler wore the costume it would still drag across the floor.

     Evan chuckled to himself at the thought before an idea popped into his head. Making him laugh hard. Even though Tyler had already told Evan to not scare him, Evan couldn't overlook this opportunity.

     Evan took the uniform, which he could best describe as a zombie musketeer costume. Digging a little bit into the box to find the matching mask and hat. He grimaced at the mask, thinking that it looked too much like an old man rather than a zombie and set it aside. Grabbing the hat, taking out the big puffy feather, and checking it for bugs before setting it on his head.

      Wearing the hat made him giggle as he searched for a better mask. Keeping an eye out for any bugs that may be scuttling around in the box. After awhile of digging and being unsatisfied with the masks that he pulled out, he found a dinosaur or dragon looking mask. “Ooooh! Perfect!” Evan remarked as he grabbed the uniform again. Quickly slipping it on, and questioned why it fit almost too perfectly. He shrugged it off as he double checked the mask for anything. Chuckling as he put it on, putting on the hat as the final touch.

      He continued to chuckle to himself as he thought of the best way to scare Tyler. It wasn’t until he felt a strange sensation run over his skin. At first it was like an itch, making Evan worry the he wasn’t through enough. He started to scratch as his gloves, cursing as he went to rip them off, but when he lifted the material up. Eyes going wide when he noticed a black goop clinging to the fabric and his skin. Connecting the two together. Evan squeaked as he tried to rip the glove off. Yelping in pain as the black goop clung to his skin. “What- ffffhmp!” He wanted to exclaim, he wanted to scream for help, but he couldn’t. Not when it felt like his mouth was being covered in bubble gum. He grabbed the snout of the dragon mask, trying to pull it off. Gurgling in pain when it felt like his skin was going to be torn off.

     He let go of the snout, now feeling that it was getting harder to breath. He whimpered in fear and confusion, stumbling backwards towards the door. He had to get help. He had to get Tyler. Evan turned towards the door, feeling his legs and feet slosh against the mysterious goop and grow heavier with its weight. He steps slowing to a complete stop as he desperately failed his arms in front of him. Hoping that Tyler would come up and save him.

     Evan opened his mouth, not only in another attempt to call for help, but to also try to breath. Neither happened as the goop poured into his mouth. Blocking his throat as he gurgled out in desperation. He tried to lift his arms back up in order to grab at his throat, but they felt so heavy that he wasn’t physically able to. He felt his tears pour out his eyes, but due to the goop the tears gathered around his eyes, clinging to his eyelashes and making it hard to see.

     He leaned his head back, feeling utterly powerless to save himself from whatever was going on. Feeling his lungs scream for air as his body went limp. However… He didn’t fall. It felt like he was being pushed up by something. An invisible force that acted as his muscles… Down to even moving his arms without consent. His hands moved back to the snout, forcing it open and making a gallon of the goop to pour out. Actually clearing a little air way for Evan to breath once he coughed up what he had swallowed. He took a few deep and appreciative breaths. Shutting his eyes in relief that he wasn’t going to slowly die from suffocation.

      When his feet began to slowly drag his limp body out the door, he felt the fear spike back up. What now? This… Thing? Had almost killed him. What does it possible want? He tried to speak, as if talking to the sentient goop would stop it, but he couldn’t lift his tongue. It felt as if it had swollen up, not enough to stop him from breathing again, but enough so that only weak and incomprehensible noises could be made. He whimpered as his body carried itself down the stairs. Nearly tripping down a couple of the steps.

     On the last step his body purposely brought his foot down hard. As if it wanted to make the foundation itself shake, or break it’s own bones. “What the fuck?!” Evan gasped in relief hearing Tyler’s voice. He could help! Evan wasn’t sure how, but Tyler could at least try to get Evan out of this mess.

     Tyler sprinted around the corner, coming to a screeching halt when he saw Evan, “Who the- Evan! Is that you?”

     Evan tried to eagerly shake his head yes, but felt the goop push down on his head. Making him grunt out in pain as it felt like the goop wanted to actually squash his head.

     Tyler rolled his eyes as Evan’s body stepped forward, “Evan, this isn’t funny or scary… Cut the crap. What else did you find up there besides… That abomination of a costume?”

      “Hhhhnnnng, Cccckkkhheeerrr. Hhhhheeeekkkkk mmmmmeeeee.” Evan plead, hoping that somehow Tyler could decipher it. Evan’s body menacingly moved closer, now raising its hands up towards Tyler.

     Tyler scoffed, “Come one Ev… Quit…” The sentence trailed off and Tyler backed away. Giving Evan a suspicious stare before walking into the living room. The house had a fire place and the fire poker was abandoned right next to it. Tyler scooped it up and pointed it at Evan, “Evan… Quit fucking around… I wasn’t kidding earlier. Knock it off.”

     Evan softly sobbed, “Hhhhhnnnng kkkkkkaaaaannnggggkkk.” As his body continued to move towards Tyler. Evan could feel his legs bending in preparation to leap at Tyler. He tried to warn Tyler, yet that couldn’t change what happened.

     Evan’s body leapt at Tyler, firmly grasping his neck as it pinned him to the fire place. Tyler grunted and gasped in pain, before kicking at Evan’s legs. Even though his body tumbled down, Evan didn’t feel anything. It felt more like someone softly punched him through a pillow than kicked his shin. His body stood up, facing an angry Tyler, who had the poker raised above his head, “WHO ARE YOU?!” Evan winced at the shout, wanting oh so much to just escape. Wishing that he never got the key to this place. When Tyler didn’t get an answer he swung the poker. Slashing the mask, and emptying some of the goop out of it.

     Tyler looked down in confusion, “What the fuck? What are you?” Evan’s body covered up the slash as it moved back to the staircase. Clumsily tripping over the long cape. Tyler quickly followed raising up the poker again, “What did you do to Evan?!” Evan tried to call out Tyler’s name, but before he could make a sound the poker was brought down onto his head. This time it hurt. As the goop moved out of the way to give Tyler a straight shot to Evan’s jaw.

     Evan screamed out in pain, hearing an awful screech come out from the mask instead of his own voice. The sound prompted Tyler to swing again and again. The goop moving so that Tyler would always have the perfect strike. Evan felt his jaw bone crack before it finally shattered from being struck so many times. He felt his teeth get lodged out one by one. Some even digging into his swollen tongue and letting warm, thick blood poured down his throat. Making it hard for him to breathe again.

     Tyler kept bringing down the poker onto his assailant. Feeling his hands being rubbed raw by the rust on his weapon of choice. Once he thought that the body stopped moving, so did he. Keeping the fire poker firmly in his grasp as he pulled away to look at the horrific scene he made. An odd mixture of red and black blood spread across the rotting wood. Making Tyler’s stomach churn as he wondered what he just killed.

     The answer came sooner than Tyler suggested. As the fabric and plastic of the costume began to bubble up. Popping into the horrific black blood that was now over taking the red blood. It poured out of every seam, making it seem like the costume itself was made of the stuff as it melted away… Revealing something that made Tyler drop the poker in shock. Feeling his heart stop as he shook his head in disbelief. “No… No, no, no, no.”

     The black blood made its way up the stairs… Leaving the broken body of Evan and the broken mind of Tyler behind as it went back to its resting place.

[quartusbellum-blog]

EMMY for the role of  LILY EVANS, using the faceclaim SOPHIE SKELTON.

Welcome to the roleplay, Emmy! I adore that you include Petunia in your app, making her an important presence in Lily’s life even when she’s not a physical one. This line particularly stood out to me: “The war had been so much of her life already. Perhaps it was meant to be her whole life.” What a way to round up the biography!

ooc details

Name: Emmy

Age: 25+

Pronouns: she/her

Activity Level: Moderate. Online every day, minimum reply every other day.

Other: I am a pancake.

Acknowledgement: I acknowledge that the themes of this game may include triggering elements. I also acknowledge that my character may be harmed, coerced, or even killed (with player’s consent) during paras/events or may cause harm to or kill others during paras/events.

                                                  ჻ ჻ ჻ ჻

general ic details

Name: Lily Ruth Evans

Age: 20

Ships:  Chemistry; While this game does start with the premise that Lily and James were together prior to the start of the game, and I believe that their relationship is an important one to Lily, it does not have to be the only one. I would be open to exploring Lily turning to comfort from others in her exile, being under extreme stress and pressure, feeling isolated and lonely. Most easily this would be with other Ashen members, but nothing is ruled out. I don’t expect any ships, however, or expect romance or shipping to be the focus of the game.

Gender/Pronouns:  She/Her

Face Claim: Sophie Skelton/Rose Leslie

                                                  ჻ ჻ ჻ ჻

bio questions

biography:

Unlike most of the wix in the Order, Lily never had a choice to join this war. She had been swept into it since her first day at Hogwarts and braced to face the full force of it since the end of her fifth year. Joining the Order wasn’t inevitable for her. While no employment prospects left her with plenty of free time, she dedicated herself first to a network of Muggleborns escaping the war. Sourcing information, relocation opportunities, paperwork and financing to help them get out, either disappearing into the Muggle world once more, or leaving for countries with more robust defenses for their Muggleborn population than the British Ministry was willing to offer. She never considered taking such an escape for herself. Lily didn’t want to run away. Plus, she had her boys to take care of; someone had to ensure they held themselves together.

That desire to take care of her foursome is what drove her to ultimately get involved with the Order. Her involvement grew as the war dragged on; partly because there was less work to do helping fleeing Muggleborns, and partly because the Order needed more hands to replace those who had fallen. Lily wasn’t blind to the increasing desperation to this war the were losing, but she could never have forseen what was going to happen when Peter and Dumbledore went on a mission.

The world exploded around Lily and the Order quickly fell to pieces. Even before she’d fully put together what had happened, she was on the run, a wanted criminal for crimes against the Dark Lord. Perhaps an even worse blow than that was James being caught. Months passed without any news of him, and Lily’s desperate attempts to hold what was left of her life together grew into something more. From her fellow fugitives, she pulled together a resistance. The inheritors of the Order, rising from its ashes, to pick up a new fight against the Dark Lord. What else could she do? The war had been so much of her life already. Perhaps it was meant to be her whole life. Until it is over.

                                                  ჻ ჻ ჻ ჻

my character is:

How is your character lying to themselves (and how is is it shown externally). Lily tells herself that this war is winnable, that they can make progress in this fight and survive. She tells other people, encourages them to hold on, even as she is starting to unravel. Add to that the constant losses, the guilt of what’s happened to her sister, the absence of the man she loves(loved?), it’s all causing a strain that is wearing on her physically. She doesn’t get to sleep often, and when she does it’s fitful. Her hair has lost its vibrancy and shine, threatening to go dull and mousey, and her skin has taken on an ashen hue, fine lines spidering across her face. This year has aged her immensely; from a fresh faced 18 year old to someone who looks closer to thirty.

Please Provide a description of Your Character’s Job: As a fugitive, Lily cannot have a regular job. Even if the Muggle world’s economy could support someone with no apparent education after the age of eleven, doing so would feel too much like endangering people for Lily to be able to stomach. Instead, she has thrown herself into the Ashen Phoenix. From the ruins of the Order, she has pulled together the survivors who haven’t given up fighting or been killed, becoming the ad hoc leader of the new force. Keeping Sirius from running after reckless revenge and Severus from killing him; isn’t that a job enough? She doesn’t have time to think about what she’d rather do, all dreams of magical research and theory craft near forgotten.

ooc questions

Writing Sample:

Keeping a PO box felt like an extravagance, considering it was primarily for one person in the whole world to use and and every bit of money mattered. Lily couldn’t really consider letting it lapse, though. Not when it was the only remaining connection with her sister, the only viable avenue of communication. A few others had the information for it, the remnants of the ‘Muggle Railroad’ she’d operated through the war, but recently all that had shown up was some junk mail and the infrequent letter from Petunia.

Even those, half the time, only dealt with some matter resolving their parent’s estate. Needing Lily to sign something or just letting her know that her share of the inheritance was sitting in a bank account for her. More than Petunia had to do, and it meant more than she could know, that little pile of money was the only thing keeping Lily fed and warm. If she’d reached out to her sister, perhaps there would have been more, but – no. Lily wouldn’t endanger her sister like that. This was her lost war, and her fight to continue, in a world Petunia didn’t want anything to do with. Plus, if Lily started leaning on her sister, she might finish falling apart, unable to maintain the delicate balance of the last year.

Chucking most of the junk that had appeared in her box into the bin, Lily paused outside the post office, leaning against the wall. She ran her thumb over her sister’s name on the return line. ‘Petunia Dursley’. That had been over a year ago, too. Being uninvited from the wedding had hurt at the time, but in hindsight, perhaps it had been for the best. One fewer point to tie Petunia to a wanted fugitive. Her sister would be safe in her utter Muggle-ness. And surely even the most hardened Death Eater would qualm at the bulk of Vernon Dursley.

Stuffing the letter, unopened, in her coat pocket, she peered out at the grey sky. Heaving a sigh, she tugged her hood up over her head, hunching her shoulders as she darted out into the slow drizzle. Like with so many of her hopes, she would cling to the idea that at least Petunia’s life had turned out how she’d wanted it. That would have to be enough.

Exploration:

The immense responsibility Lily has taken on becoming a de facto leader of the Ashen Phoenix, connected as she is to all (playable) current members, and trying to keep Sirius from running off on his own, and how that balances (or fails to) with her own increasing desperation and trying from bursting off in rash directions.

Lily’s personal relationships and dealing with the loss of James, her own loneliness, and potentially moving on in the year since she’s seen James. Especially her processing the potential death of James, the realization that he’s joined the One Army, and unpacking why he’s doing what he is and how she’s involved in his choices.

Lily’s relationship with Petunia and how that evolves in response to the war, and even Petunia eventually getting dragged into it as well. WerePetunia!

Extras:

Confessing now that if Petunia doesn’t get picked up, I’m totally down for picking her up too.

[gadgetgirl71]

Top Ten Tuesday 9 March 2021

Welcome to this weeks Top Ten Tuesday. Originally created by The Broke & The Bookish, which is now hosted by Jana @ That Artsy Reader Girl. Each week it features a book or literary themed category. This weeks prompt is:

Spring Cleaning Freebie

(for example, books you’re planning to get rid of for whatever reason, book’s you’d like to clean off your TBR by either reading them or deciding you’re not interested, books that feel fresh and clean to you after winter is over, etc.)

The only reason I have chosen these book is because they have been on my TBR the longest.

A Dictionary of Mutual Understanding

Synopsis: ‘What and how much should I admit to myself, and to others? Should I begin with this acknowledgement: my daughter Yuko might be alive today if I had loved her in a different way?’

When a badly scarred man knocks on the door of Amaterasu Takahashi’s retirement home and says that he is her grandson, she doesn’t believe him. But if you’ve become adept at lying, can you tell when someone is speaking the truth?Amaterasu knows her grandson and her daughter died the day the Americans dropped the atomic bomb on Nagasaki; she searched for them amongst the ruins of her devastated city and has spent years burying her memories of that brutal summer. So this man is either a miracle or a cruel trick. The stranger forces Amaterasu to revisit her past; the hurt and humiliation of her early life, the intoxication of a first romance, the fierceness of a mother’s love. For years she has held on to the idea that she did what she had to do to protect her family… but now nothing seems so certain. We can’t rewrite history, but can we create a new future?

Set against the dramatic backdrop of Nagasaki before and after the bomb, A DICTIONARY OF MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING is about regret, forgiveness and the exquisite pain of love.

Sisters One, Two, Three

Synopsis: After a tragic accident on Martha’s Vineyard, keeping secrets becomes a way of life for the Tangle family. With memories locked away, the sisters take divergent paths. Callie disappears, Mimi keeps so busy she has no time to think, and Ginger develops a lifelong aversion to risk that threatens the relationships she holds most dear.

When a whispered comment overheard by her rebellious teenage daughter forces Ginger to reveal a long-held family secret, the Tangles’ carefully constructed web of lies begins to unravel. Upon the death of Glory, the family’s colorful matriarch, and the return of long-estranged Callie, Ginger resolves to return to Martha’s Vineyard and piece together what really happened on that calamitous day when a shadow fell over four sun-kissed siblings playing at the shore. Along with Ginger’s newfound understanding come the keys to reconciliation: with her mother, with her sisters, and with her daughter.

At turns heartbreaking, humorous, and hopeful, Sisters One, Two, Three explores not only the consequences of secrets—even secrets kept out of love—but also the courage it takes to speak the truth, to forgive, and to let go.

Earth’s Blood (Earth Reclaimed #2)

synopsis: Clinging to their courage in a crumbling world, Aislinn and Fionn vow to save Earth, no matter what it takes.

In a post-apocalyptic world where most people have been slaughtered, the Celtic gods and a few humans with magic are all that stand between survival and Earth falling into chaos. The combination of dark sorcery leveraged by the enemy is daunting. Destruction is all but certain if the small enclaves of humans who are left can’t get past their distrust of the Celts.

Captured by the enemy, Aislinn Lenear wonders if she’ll ever see her bond wolf or Fionn, a Celtic god, again. She’s had nothing but her wits to rely on for years. They haven’t failed her yet, but escape from her current predicament seems remote.

An enticing blend of dystopian urban fantasy and romance, this second volume of the Earth Reclaimed Series provides fertile ground for Aislinn and Fionn’s relationship to deepen. Headstrong and independent, the pair run up against each other’s demands time and time again. Fireworks spark. In the end, they learn to savor every moment in a bittersweet world where each day may well be the last.

Never Forgotten (Never Forgotten #1)

Synopsis: Risser keeps her focus on the little details of Meara’s everyday life, lending the book a nice, homey charm. The real heart of the book is Meara’s emotional struggle with her mother’s illness and her first romance. ~Kirkus Reviews

How can one day go so very wrong? One minute Meara Quinn is making plans for how she will spend the Summer before her senior year and the next she’s finding out that her mother’s cancer has returned and they are moving away from the only home she’s ever known.

Now every day is a struggle as Meara is trying to cope with her mother’s illness, being forced to move to another country to live with grandparents—whom she thought disowned her mother—and having weird visions of a father who was absent her entire life. Top it all off with one whopping secret that everyone seems bent on keeping from her, and Meara has the perfect ingredients for a major melt down.

The only things keeping her from coming unglued are some new friends and Evan—the son of her mother’s childhood friend—who seems to know Meara almost better than she knows herself.

Together with Evan and her friends, Meara embarks on a new journey to unlock the secrets that will not only tell Meara who she is, but what she is.

Sentimental Journey

Synopsis: The first book in Barbara Bretton’s beloved Home Front Series

It’s June 1943. From New York to California, families gather to send their sons and husbands, friends and lovers off to war. The attack on Pearl Harbor seems a long time ago as America begins to understand that their boys won’t be home any time soon.

In Forest Hills, New York City, twenty-year-old Catherine Wilson knows all about waiting. She’s been in love with boy-next-door Doug Weaver since childhood, and if the war hadn’t started when it did, she would be married and maybe starting a family, not sitting at the window of her girlhood bedroom, waiting for her life to begin.

But then a telegram from the War Department arrives, shattering her dreams of a life like the one her mother treasures.

Weeks drift into months as she struggles to find her way. An exchange of letters with Johnny Danza, a young soldier in her father’s platoon, starts off as a patriotic gesture, but soon becomes a long-distance friendship that grows more important to her with every day that passes.

The last thing Catherine expects is to open her front door on Christmas Eve to find Johnny lying unconscious on the Wilsons’ welcome mat with a heart filled with new dreams that are hers for the taking.

The Almost Wives Club

Synopsis: Five Brides–One Dress

Kate Winton-Jones is marrying one of America’s most eligible bachelors. Edward Carnarvon III is rich, handsome and hers. But at the final fitting of her wedding gown, one of the seamstresses pricks her and a tiny blood spot appears on the outrageously expensive gown. Its famous designer fires the clumsy seamstress on the spot, whereupon the girl puts a curse on the dress and storms out. Kate doesn’t believe in curses. She’s modern, American and in love with the perfect guy. What could go wrong?

But that very evening she meets a man who makes her question her future. And then she discovers that Edward has been hiding a secret or two… and before you can say, “This dress is so cursed,” she’s on the run from Edward, his family, her mother, the paparazzi and the person she thought she was.

When the man who discovers her hiding place turns out to be the last man she should trust, it’s time to throw her cautious good sense out with the satin shoes she won’t be wearing. Playing it safe hasn’t done her much good. Maybe it’s time to play by a new set of rules. Her rules.

Sometimes Prince Charming is the one who turns out to be the frog, and true love appears in the most unexpected places.

Follow the cursed dress through five sets of bridal hands as four more women join The Almost Wives Club.

The Amber Project

Synopsis: In 2157, a mysterious gas known as Variant spreads across the globe, killing or mutating most organic life. The surviving humans take refuge in an underground city, determined to return home. But after generations of failures and botched attempts, hope is beginning to dwindle. That is, until a young scientist makes a unique discovery — and everything changes. Suddenly, there’s reason to hope again, and it rests within a group of genetically engineered children that are both human and Variant.

Terry is one of these children, modified and trained to endure the harsh conditions of a planet he cannot begin to understand. After years of preparation, Terry thinks he knows what to expect. But the reality is far stranger than anything he can imagine — and what he will become is far more dangerous.

Dancer of the Nile

Synopsis: Egypt, 1500 BCE

Nima’s beauty and skill as a dancer leads an infatuated enemy to kidnap her after destroying an Egyptian border town. However, she’s not the only hostage in the enemy camp: Kamin, an Egyptian soldier on a secret mission for Pharaoh, has been taken as well. Working together to escape, the two of them embark on a desperate quest across the desert to carry word of the enemy’s invasion plans to Pharaoh’s people.

As they flee for their lives, these two strangers thrown together by misfortune have to trust in each other to survive. Nima suspects Kamin is more than the simple soldier he seems, but she finds it hard to resist the effect he has on her heart. Kamin has a duty to his Pharaoh to see his mission completed, but this clever and courageous dancer is claiming more of his loyalty and love by the moment. Kamin starts to worry, if it comes to a choice between saving Egypt or saving Nima’s life…what will he do?

Aided by the Egyptian god Horus and the Snake Goddess Renenutet, beset by the enemy’s black magic, can Nima and Kamin evade the enemy and reach the safety of the Nile in time to foil the planned attack?

Can there ever be a happy future together for the humble dancer and the brave Egyptian soldier who is so much more than he seems?

The Waiting Booth Box Set

Synopsis: Join Mia as she journeys to discover the truth in Whispering Woods. This box set contains three full novels.

The Waiting Booth (Book 1): A missing boy, government agents, an interdimensional portal… Mia has one goal for her senior year at Whispering Woods High—find her missing older brother. But when her science project reveals a portal into another dimension, she learns that travelers are moving in and out of her woods in the most alarming way and government agents Regulus and Arizona are policing their immigration.

Whisper of Memory (Book 2):  Weapons training and winter formals… a deadly combination . All Mia ever wanted was to fit in at Whispering Woods High. But being a portal-finder who dates a guy from another dimension sort of makes it hard. Between learning about weaponry, finding the perfect dress for the winter formal, and catching bad guys, who has time to fit in?

Watcher of Worlds (Book 3): Senior year should bring fun, friends, and happiness. Not portals, treachery, and murder. Seventeen-year-old Mia Taylor, gatekeeper to an interdimensional portal, wants nothing more than to heal from her romance gone wrong. Illegally falling for her co-worker Regulus had been a huge mistake. But when Regulus goes rogue to hunt down a murderer, Mia must forget her broken heart and use her unique abilities to save him.

Looking For Wonderland

Synopsis: Welcome to the world of Alice. At forty four, she’s a nurse who is burnt to a crisp by her job, has a family which makes dysfunctional look normal, and thinks valium should be handed out like lollies.

Alice knows things have to change. Calling on her two best friends for advice, they decide to try and find their life purpose. Alice hopes Pilates, yoga, and Oprah The DVD Box Set, may have some answers. Or does Dr. Botha, the hospital’s Infectious Disease Consultant, hold the key to Alice’s future?

As things begin to look brighter, a life changing event sends Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, leaving her to wonder if she has missed her chances for happiness. Will she ever find her Wonderland?

Until next week.

[fish-food-s]

Fake Name

This is a human AU, and it’s where soulmates would one day have each other’s names appear on their arms.

Words: 1636

Warnings: Yelling, cursing, self-harm mention let me know if there are anymore.

— Andy waited in anticipation on his couch. Everyone of his friends, well, both of his friends had already found out their souls mate’s names. Sure, he knew the bullshit statement everyone has been telling him, “you’ll get it when you’re ready,” but he honestly wanted to get over it right now. His hands shook as he ran his fingers over the uncut part of his wrist. The part that was supposed to give him his destiny.

Another month passed, and anxiety had finally come to the conclusion that he was meant to be alone. That has happened before. It’s definitely not rare. Maybe he was one of them too? No one deserved to be with someone like him anyways.

He, being the self-conscious person he is, took a black marker and decided to write a name on his wrist so his Logan and Patton didn’t think he was meant to be alone. He thought of a name. His head churned out ideas as he poured all of them out on a piece of paper.

Tyler Jason Conner Murphy Evan Roman

The last name seemed so beautiful. It rolled off of his tongue so well. “Roman,” he spoke aloud, “its perfect.” He wrote the name onto his wrists so carefully that it was incredibly convincing. The lines were neat and strait, and the ink was pure black. He hid the list of names behind the couch and examined the name. It almost looked real.

“Andy!” A body was thrown on him hugging him and giggling. “You got a name! Let me see let me see!” Andy looked down to see his roommate Patton with his arms around him.

“Patton, calm yourself. Andy is probably already very hyper about it.” He looked up and saw his other roommate Logan standing there with a trace of jealousy in his eyes. Logan pried his soulmate off of Andy and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “Well?”

“I just kinda woke up with it. Not too exciting. Everyone has it,” He lied.

Patton jumped up and down, squealing until Andy’s head hurt, “what’s the name!!”

“R-Roman” he choked. The name was so beautiful, yet so hard to say. “Roman”

“We have encountered someone named Roman,” his heart skipped a beat, “last I saw him, which was a few days ago, he had no name yet. Shall we check on him?

"I-I-I think I should f-find him natural-l-ly,” Andy stuttered.

“Oh, hun are you alright?” Patton questioned, his natural fatherly instincts kicking in.

“Y-yeah. Just the thought of finding my soulmate i-is a bit a-a-alarming,” he lied

“No worries, A, you’ll do great!”

“C-Can you give me his phone number instead? We’ll plan our own meeting, I guess.” Andy fingered the sharpie in his pocket.

Logan nodded and pulled his phone out, “I’m sending it to you right now”

Ding

“I’ll look at it later. I’m going to sleep,” he said, getting up and dragging his feet to his bedroom.

“It’s only 2?”

“I’ll survive.” Andy almost made it until he was stopped with a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, if you need us to do anything for you, we’re here. I know how scary it can be. Go at your own pace, ok?” His soft voice pierced his ears at this point. Guilt flooded his brain.

Andy didn’t respond, afraid he’ll start sobbing if he spoke. He jerked his shoulder away from Patton’s hand and continued to his room.

—

Andy had decided to not look at the number Logan gave him ever. He was afraid he’d remember every digit even if he took a glance. He almost got away with this until his phone began to ring.

After a few painful seconds of ignoring it, his phone blew up with message alerts. He hesitantly picked it up and read from the beginning.

[missed call from unknown] [missed call from unknown] [missed call from unknown] [27 texts from unknown] [28 texts from unknown] [incoming call from unknown]

Whoever this Roman is, he’s very clingy.

Andy pressed the bright green button and held the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Andy! It’s Roman! Guess what? MY arm says Andy! Isn’t that crazy?”

His heart felt like it was being torn into two, “more than you know.”

“Well, it isn’t that crazy. We are soulmates, after all-” he just wouldn’t stop talking. He held his voice in an almost unnatural, sophisticated state. He could hear water running and a shriek of a kettle in the background. Roman sounds like a cooker. “-Right?”

Andy snapped out of his current state and turned his attention back to Romans words. “Y-yeah,” he stuttered, and Roman continued with his rambling. After a few minutes, Andy became more natural talking to Roman. He felt needed, loved. Their conversation flowed on to many different subjects. Roman offered to FaceTime, but Andy lied and said that he didn’t look his best at the moment.

Finally, they hung up after an hour or so. Andy felt the hope slip from his grasp as he remembered that this was a fake name. A fake destiny.

Andy received one more text. He opened it, to see that Roman wanted to meet at the cafe nearby on Sunday. Andy texted “ok” back with out thinking and flung himself on the bed, blushing until he fell asleep.

–

Today was the day. The day where he would meet Roman. He walked to the cafe in the bright sunlight as he desperately tried to hide behind his cheap sunglasses. Then, he saw him. Roman had on a white hoodie with a red stripe going down the middle. He wore neat jeans and a black t-shirt. His hair was brushed to perfection and his smile was perfect and bright. Andy didn’t deserve him, a beautiful, witty man who seemed to light up everyone’s world.

Before Andy could turn to leave, their eyes locked. Without even blinking, roman lifted his left arm to reveal the word “Andy” written on it. Andy hesitantly did the same while walking towards his table.

“Hey…”

“Hello…”

—

It’s been a month since they met, a month since the lie started, a month since paradise had taken over Andy’s life. They were watching TV together, Andy laid on top of Roman as he played with his hair. Before he knew it, their lips were clashing together desperately.

“Andy…” Roman breathed.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Andy cut him off, his lips clinging for more.

“Andy… what is this?” Roman questioned in the most innocent voice, “W-what the hell?!” This time, he seemed mad. His hand was covered in black ink, smeared from Andy’s wrist.

“Shit,” Andy pushed himself off of Roman and looked at the half-smeared name. Tears formed in his eyes and he remembered that he had applied a new coat right before they were watching TV, and it was still drying. “FUCK.”

“Hun… what’s happening?”

“I’m not your hun…” Andy choked out, tears fogging his vision, “I’m not your babe, honey, sweetheart… I’m not anyone’s. I don’t belong with anyone. I wrote a random name down and I happened to be you, ok?”

Roman stood up and looked down at the terrified other, “So there’s another Andy out there, short of a soulmate, and your here pretending to be the one I’m destined to be with?!” Before Andy could respond, Roman took some makeup wipes from a nearby drawer, ones that Andy would use whenever he slept over.

“Give me your wrist.” Andy didn’t move. He stared at what was once his soulmate, now his lie. “GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING WRIST” he grabbed a hold of it and rubbed the wipe on the skin.

Andy looked away. Everything stung. His heart ached for lying to someone as amazing as Roman. All he could let out was a small voice. “S-stop. That stings,” suddenly, everything stopped. He was thrown onto the couch. He looked up at Roman, his eyes carved with rage and confusion.

“It won’t go away.” He whispered. There was another layer underneath… the real layer. It was under the marker.“ Andy was speechless. We wanted to yell at everything. At the world for causing him so much pain. At himself for not being patient. At Roman for not leaving him sooner.

"N-no. You can’t be with me…” he sobbed. his words escaped his cracked lips.

“I don’t deserve you!” Roman shouted in frustration, “I don’t…. deserve you…”

“You don’t” Andy said, facing away from him now. “I’m stupid. I bring everyone down. I played with your emotions, even tricking myself. How can I hold someone else’s destiny if I can’t even figure out mine? I’m such mess…” He tugged on his hair, trying to block out reality.

“W-what? That’s not what I meant,” Roman said, confused. He made his way towards Andy, putting on hand on his shoulder, “I don’t deserve someone as amazing as you. You’re upfront. You understand my problems. You somehow put up with the stupid nick names I give you.” He put a hand over his eyes to cover his tears, chuckling through the last part,“ I just don’t deserve all that”

In a blink of an eye, Andy’s warmth was wrapped around Roman. A hand patting his back, words reminding him of all the amazing things that he had done, tears falling to meet each other on the floor. Andy’s hands rocked Roman back and forth until the crying died down.

After a few minutes of silence, Andy spoke again. “I love you, you’re my hero, my prince. You know that? I’ve been so happy with you. I hope you know that.”

More sobs escaped Romans cracked lips. Words formed from the mess of noises. “I love you too”