#like let’s be real buck needs it and eddie will need it even more so

[truegenius]

it blows my mind that people are fighting over bucktommy and buddie. take a lesson from katherine pierce

[munsonsmixtapes]

Say Don't Go

Evan "Buck" Buckley x fem!reader

summary: tensions rise between you and Buck as you find out that he works for you uncle and he learns you're Bobby's niece, forcing the two of you to make a decision on where your relationship stands

word count: 3k

part one part three part four part five part six

Buck could not believe it. The first woman he was attracted to in months was Bobby’s niece? He really was always getting dealt a shit hand. He was going to ask you out on an official date and bring you flowers and shower you with compliments and make stupid jokes to make the both of you less nervous. He supposed now that it was only a pipe dream. And all because you were related to his boss. 

“Bobby, I didn’t know you had a niece,” Buck spoke up, trying to seem nonchalant, as if he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up. And he did, the idea of running to the restroom sounding real inviting. 

“She’s my sister’s kid,” Bobby replied, pulling you into his side in a protective manner then pointed at the man. “Don’t get any ideas, Buck,” he said with a wink, but the threat seemed very serious. Too bad the ship had already sailed and was on the verge of sinking. 

You eyed Buck and shook your head as if to tell him to not come any closer. You wanted to speak to him about the whole situation, but you couldn’t without everyone noticing that the two of you had disappeared and jumped to their own conclusions. You were going to have to meet on your own time to avoid suspicions. Especially Bobby’s. 

The man had become very protective of you since the day you were born and would continue to do so until he took his last breath. Since your father was never in the picture, he felt the need to step up and be exactly what you needed. He was there for everything: your first steps, helping you ride a bike without training wheels, your first date. Yes, he sat in the back row of the movie theater, watching the two of you like a hawk, making sure the kid didn’t try anything. 

Bobby would not have been happy if he found out that Buck had even looked at you in a flirty manner let alone slept with you. It wasn’t that he didn’t think that Buck wasn’t fit to be your boyfriend, but more like any man wasn’t fit for the role. 

You eyed Buck practically the entire time but tried not to draw attention to yourself as you did it. Tension was rising and you really hoped that no one else could see it. Especially since you were the guest of honor and couldn’t fade into the background like you desperately wanted to. 

“Everyone,” Bobby stood behind you, resting his hands on your shoulders. “This is my niece, y/n. And I expect you all to welcome her as an honorary member of the 118. She’s going to be here for a while. Y/n, this is Hen and her wife Karen,” he pointed to the Black woman who was standing next to Buck. She gave you a hug and you were quick to return it. “And Buck and his sister, Maddie.” You looked at Buck and didn’t miss the look on his face as your eyes glanced at him to look at his sister. His face was white. Almost as if he had seen a ghost. You ignored it for the moment and tried your best to listen to Bobby’s introductions of his team. “And that’s Chimney,” Bobby gestured to the Asian man who was on Buck’s other side. Oh, you so had to hear the backstory about that nickname. “And Eddie and his son, Christopher.” You turned your attention to one of the most beautiful men you had ever seen and a young boy who was using crutches. 

Hugs were all passed around as you were introduced and you all mingled as you sipped on your drinks, waiting for dinner to be ready. You got into a conversation with Maddie about nursing, but you couldn’t help but let your eyes wander to her brother who had been in what looked a deep conversation with Eddie. You couldn’t help but feel like word about your night together was somehow going to get to your uncle and you didn’t even know why you cared so much. You were an adult now and really had no reason to hide to from Bobby. Maybe he’d be a little upset at first, but he’d come around. 

“So, that’s the girl you hooked up with the other night?” Eddie asked, holding back a laugh. It was just too good, almost like the plot of a telanovela he’d watched with Christopher. Of course something like that would have happened to Buck. That sounded exactly like something that would have happened to him. 

“Yes,” Buck nodded. 

“And she’s Bobby’s niece?” All Buck could do was glare at Eddie. It was almost as if he wasn't listening at all. And for once, this was a very serious matter. His life was doomed as he knew it and Eddie was just laughing it off as if it was all just a big joke. And Buck supposed that maybe it was.

“Yes. Weren’t you listening?” He was now on edge, for whatever reason, feeling paranoid that Bobby had been listening even though the man was all the way across the room joking around with Michael.

“Hey, relax," Eddie pat his friend's shoulder. Sometimes Buck just really needed to relax. "I’m just making sure I’m getting the facts right. I can't believe that out of all of the people in Los Angeles that you slept with Bobby's niece. Oh, Chim is gonna get a kick out of this."

Eddie burst into laughter, really getting a kick out of his friend's pain, but he couldn't help it. It was all just too funny to not laugh a little at the unfortunate events of his friend's life. He was just happy that he wasn't in Buck's shoes.

“But you're not gonna tell Chim," he gave Eddie a warning look. "This secret dies with us. And I swear if you tell Bobby-" Both of the men knew that whatever threat came out of Buck's mouth would be empty, but Eddie wanted to know what would have been in store for him if he had broken his promise.

“You’ll do what, Buck?” He crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his head to the side in curiosity.

“I don’t know, but It’ll be bad.”

“Sure, whatever you say, buddy." Eddie gave his shoulder a pat as Bobby had everyone gather around before they all sat down to eat.

“Alright, everyone dinner is served and before we sit, I’d to make a toast,” Bobby spoke up and you could see his eyes getting misty already. “The moment I held you after you were born, I knew that you’d be destined for greatness,” he started and you knew that his speech was going to be a tear jerker just like always. 

“I remember when you were three and insisted on fixing my “wounds” with your little doctor’s kit that I had gotten you for Christmas. You told me that you were going to be a nurse and save lives and look at you now. You graduated nursing school and got a job at your first choice hospital. I’m so proud of you, kiddo. So, if everyone would raise their glasses.” Everyone did as they asked as Bobby raised his own that was filled with soda. “To y/n,” he said. 

“To y/n,” everyone repeated and they all clinked their glasses together before cheering, giving you a round of applause. After the excitement died down, everyone sat down at the table, the only spot available being the one to the left of you that Buck was reluctant to occupy. 

“Oh-“ he said, cutting himself off and everyone was quick to turn to him. To them, it was just the only available seat. To you and Buck, though, it was more than that. If he sat next to you, the awkward tension would only rise and Buck really didn’t want to make it all about him when this was your party. 

“You can sit there, Buck,” Bobby told him. “Y/n doesn’t bite.” Buck’s mind immediately flashed to a couple of nights ago when you had done just that. When you had actually bitten him and been the cause of the healing hickey on his neck. 

“Yeah, Buck,” youpulled the chair out for him to take a seat. “I don’t bite,” you winked, a joke just between the two of you. Buck hesitantly sat next to you, being very obvious unlike you. He might as well have just told the entire table that the two of you had slept together while he was at it. 

“So, y/n,” Hen spoke up. “What’s your position at the hospital?” 

“Labor and delivery,” you told her. You always loved the idea of bringing new life into the world and after doing a few residencies and following nurses around who did just that, you knew that was the career for you. 

“That’s so admirable,” Hen smiled warmly. Just from what Bobby had told her about you, she was sure that you were going to do really well in the medical field. That you were a hard worker and never took no for an answer. “I’m sure you’re going to do great.” 

“Well, thank you. And thank you, Robert, for this amazing celebration,” you gestured to the all of the nurse themed decorations all over the main level of the house and even out on the patio where you were all sitting. 

“That was actually all Athena,” Bobby corrected, feeling like he should’ve let his wife take the credit for all the hard work she put in to make the house look nice. 

“Well, thank you, Athena,” you turned to the woman she nodded enthusiastically, wanting you to know just how much she enjoyed planning the entire thing for you, knowing that it meant a lot to Bobby because of how close he was to you. 

“Of course,” she replied. “It was my absolute pleasure.” 

You looked around at everyone sitting at the table and despite not knowing most of them, you felt but nothing but loved sitting at that table, discussing everything and nothing as you all ate the meal that Bobby prepared for you all. You had felt alone your entire life, only having Scarlett, your mom, and Bobby as your family and now all of the people he had been closest to were welcoming you into their world with open arms, and you couldn’t help but feel more lucky. 

You hesitantly turned to Buck and noticing him picking around his plate, the dish almost full signifying that he hadn’t really eaten anything. And you didn’t blame him. You hadn’t much of an appetite either considering the whole situation and for a second there, you completely had forgotten about him. It seemed that neither of you had the best luck in the dating apartment, so of course, as fate would have it, you couldn’t be together. Or more like shouldn’t considering the whole situation. It would have just been weird and awkward and maybe it would have just been for the best if you just left it at a one night stand. 

Dinner came to a close and by the end of it, you were all sharing funny stories from your careers and just from the one meal you had with them, you knew you were going to enjoy spending more time with them. Maybe if you asked Bobby, you all could have had more meals together like you had heard they did at the 118. You would have really enjoyed that. You were really looking forward to having a real family. 

The members of the 118 all lingered at the door like usual, all hesitant to go back to their homes. All except Buck. He was getting antsy to get the hell out of there and to probably never speak to you again. He could run into a burning building without batting an eye, but when it came to his personal life, all he wanted to do was run away. He absolutely hated confrontation and was going to avoid the inevitable as long as possible.

He looked at you, watching you laugh with his sister and could easily see the three of you getting together for dinner. You'd sit next to him and his hand would reach for yours and you'd give him a warm smile as Maddie looked at the both of you, so happy that her brother had finally real, true love.

The dream quickly faded away as Buck accepted that he was going to let you slip through his fingers. The whole thing was just too complicated and he wasn't going to put you through all of that, especially since you were just getting started with your career. You already had too much on your plate and he didn't think there was enough room for him.

"Right, Buck?" Bobby asked, giving his shoulder a pat and Buck turned to the man in confusion, not even aware that he was even being spoken to.

"I'm sorry, what?" You were still swirling around in his mind even though he was trying hard to focus on what Bobby had been saying.

"You're coming in on time tomorrow, right?" He had still been teasing about him being late a couple of days ago and Buck just rolled his eyes. Now he didn't have a reason to be late anymore and he kind of hated it.

"Yes sir," Buck nodded. "Good night, Bobby."

"Good night, Buck." Bobby gave his shoulder a squeeze and Buck gave you one last look before turning on his heel to head to his jeep.

You watched Buck walk to his vehicle, wondering why he had said goodbye to everyone but you. What, so he found out that you were Bobby's niece and now he was giving you the silent treatment? How was that fair? Maybe everything that happened that night was all part of an act and now he was just showing you his true self.

So maybe that night wasn't as special to you as it was to him. You had even considered asking him out, but now you guessed you had just dogged a bullet. He was just like the other's and at least this one saved you the headache by ghosting you instead of pursuing you only to show no interest in you the entire duration the relationship. You supposed it saved you some tissues knowing who he was from the get go.

One week later

You pulled up to the fire station, feeling anger course through you as you put Scarlett's car in park. You had tried to reach out to Buck multiple times since the party only to be met by nothing but silence. Even if nothing happened between the two of you, you felt like you at least deserved an explanation. Didn't your feelings matter too? Apparently not to him.

So, you decided to show up the one place he couldn't run from so you could have a conversation with him. You weren't sure how you were going to do that with all those people around, but you'd figure things out. You always did.

You marched into the station, scanning the place for Buck and noticed that everyone was surrounding the engine, wiping it down or cleaning the interior. Eddie was the first to spot you and he pointed wordlessly to the other side of the engine, assuming that you were there for Buck.

You rounded the back of the engine and made a beeline for the man, grabbing onto his arm, pulling him somewhere more private, deciding that right by the bathrooms was really the only spot that was as out of sight as you could get. You stopped there and Buck could practically see the flames forming in your eyes because of how angry you were. Women had been mad at him more times than he could count, but never like that. If looks could kill, he definitely would have been dead.

"You're an asshole," you told him, trying your best not to yell. For once, Buck was very aware of the hurt he had caused. And now he was paying for it. With the way you were balling your fists, you looked like you were going to punch him, and for the first time, he was going to take it because he felt like he deserved it.

"Am I?" He asked, cocking his head to the side. Buck didn't know why he was being such a dick, but now he felt like he had stick with it since he had already committed to the role. He honestly wasn't expecting you to show up. The most he ever got was an angry phone call. Perhaps you showing up was a sign that you weren't willing to give up on him like everyone else.

"Yes!" Your voice was a little loud, but you couldn't have cared less. He deserved to know just how angry you were and for once, you didn't care about embarrassing him. That was the least he deserved.

"I had a really nice time with you. You made me feel special. I hadn't slept with anyone in a long time and I trusted you. I trusted you, Evan. And then you find out that Bobby's my uncle and you run? If you didn't want to see me again, the least you could have done was told me. But no, you're nothing but a coward."

Bobby stood on the other side of the wall, listening to the entire thing. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he had left the restroom just as you and Buck went to block the exit and he couldn't have passed without revealing that he had heard everything and he couldn't have that. At least, not yet. Tension was already high and he didn't want to make it worse.

Bobby didn't know what was worse, hearing that you had slept with Buck, or the fact that he made you cry. So not only did the guy sleep with you, but he also completely ghosted you and hurt your feelings. That was three strikes so Buck was out. At least, for the near future. Just as you were leaving, the sirens went off, signaling that there was a call.

Buck tried to follow you, but Eddie stopped him and Buck watched you leave from over Eddie's shoulder. Eddie turned him around and pushed Buck towards the engine, but Bobby stopped him.

"I'm benching you today, Buck." Maybe it was wrong of him to bring his personal life into work, but nobody was allowed to hurt his little girl. Not even Buck. Especially not Buck.

"Why?" Buck didn't like the assumption his brain was coming to and he really didn't like being benched after being yelled at by a girl he really liked.

"I'm the captain and what I say goes. The dishes really need to be done, so could you take care of that?" With that, Bobby got into the engine and both it and the truck pulled out of the station, leaving Buck with nothing but his thoughts and a sink full of dishes that needed to be done.

[firewasabeast]

There was an eerie silence in the hospital room. Nothing was beeping, all the other visitors were long gone, there didn't even seem to be anyone moving around in the halls.

He wasn't very comfortable. They'd brought him in a bed hours ago, but he couldn't seem to move away from the chair. He could keep their hands tangled together this way. Could press a finger against Tommy's wrist and make sure he continued to feel a pulse.

Yeah, the monitors could tell him that Tommy was still there, alive and alright and likely to be discharged in a day or two. But it made Buck feel better to feel that steady thump, thump, thump under the pad of his finger.

He closed his eyes. Tried to steady his own breathing: in, hold, out, hold, in, hold, out. Over and over until his heart calmed down again.

It'd been a problem for him since he got the call. Tommy had been hurt. Fallen off a ladder and lost consciousness. Honestly, they didn't know in the beginning if he'd broken his back or even his neck. They did know that his arm was definitely broken, bending in a way that arms were never meant to bend.

Buck had gotten to the hospital before they had finished all of Tommy's tests. Had sat and paced in the waiting room while Bobby tried to help keep him calm.

Over time, Maddie had come with Chimney. Then Hen and Karen, and Eddie with Christopher. Athena, even while working, had spared some time to stop by and bring food.

Buck didn't eat.

Couldn't eat, really.

He did manage a few sips of a milkshake, mostly for Maddie's sake, but it made him feel more nauseous than anything.

When the doctor finally came out and told him that, besides the arm, there were no other broken bones, Buck took what felt like his first breath since the phone call.

He still had to wait until after Tommy's surgery to see him. His arm needed a rod and pins so it would heal properly.

People filtered in and out. Maddie and Chim had to pick up Jee. Hen and Karen had to get Mara and Denny, and Christopher went with them. Athena had to leave for a robbery call.

Bobby and Eddie stayed. They stayed until Tommy was wheeled into recovery. Stayed until Tommy briefly woke up and managed to mumble a slightly high, “Ev'n? Wha' happened?” Stayed until Buck ate some real food. Stayed until Buck had won the fight with the nurses that he was going to stay the night and they might as well give up on trying to get him to leave because it wasn't going to work.

Eddie left first, letting Buck know he'd be back in the morning.

Everyone would be back in the morning. They'd help out and do whatever they needed to do so that Tommy was as comfortable as possible during his hospital stay.

Bobby stayed a while longer, until the sun had fully set and the little clock above the door showed the short hand on the nine and the long hand on the seven.

They hadn't talked much. Buck, always ready for a conversation, couldn't seem to get many words out.

But before Bobby left, Buck did manage to get up briefly and allow himself to be wrapped in his captain's arms. A tear fell down his face then, as Bobby reassured him that Tommy was okay. He'd recover. He'd be okay.

He pulled himself back together before Bobby had walked out the door. Sat back down beside Tommy, held onto the hand that wasn't connected to a severely broken arm, and made sure to keep a finger over that pulse point.

The room was still dimly lit at two-thirty in the morning. Just enough light for Buck to watch Tommy's face. Make sure there were no signs of discomfort.

In the silence, in his time to do nothing but think, Buck was pretty sure he finally understood. He understood the fear he put his family (Maddie, mostly) through every time he got injured. He understood how quickly someone can be taken from you. He understood just how much a person can mean to you.

People had tried to tell him before.

He never fully got it until now.

Buck scooted his chair closer to Tommy, so he could press his lips to Tommy's calloused knuckles.

He rested his cheek against their intertwined hands after that, closed his eyes and breathed Tommy in. He smelled like Hibiclens, mostly. But he still had that warmth to him, even in the chilly hospital room.

Buck thought of their previous night together. He'd fallen asleep with Tommy's arm tight around his waist, hand sprawled over his stomach. He'd been safely nestled with his back against Tommy's chest. That's how they slept most nights. Sometimes they'd end up the other way around, or facing each other with arms and legs tangled, but mostly Tommy held onto Buck like he was precious cargo.

Ironic.

The adrenaline of the day began to dissipate, so Buck let himself drift off.

It may not be the most comfortable sleeping position, and he'd definitely regret it whenever he woke up, but there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

Soon Tommy would wake. The pain medication would wear off and he'd be uncomfortable. They'd have to schedule doctor's appointments, physical therapy sessions, and possibly more surgeries. Tommy would get grumpy about how much help he needed, and he'd try to overdo it until Buck would be forced to give him an ultimatum. There would be good days and bad ones. Leaps forward and countless setbacks.

And Buck would be grateful for every second of it, because it meant Tommy was alive and safe. As long as those two things were true, Buck could handle anything.

[queerweewoo]

“Shit.” 

Eddie mutters the curse under his breath when he can't seem to release the clasp on his St. Christopher chain.

He'd plopped himself down next to Buck after arriving home from dropping off his fourteen-year-old budding socialite at a friend's house, having already kicked off his boots and hooking an arm around Buck's still crossed-at-the-ankle legs, getting comfy with them resting over his lap—well, his lap and the arm of the sofa, because Buck has the longest pair of pins in the whole frickin world.

“Nope, I'm afraid shit can't possibly be the answer to seven down, Eddie, because even though it starts with an ‘S’, and the third letter is definitely an ‘I’, twelve across has got to be 'Skating', which would make the second letter a ‘K’,” Buck says with mock-seriousness as Eddie is still attempting to take off his chain. “And anyways, I don't really think the answer to the clue ‘Dermis’ could legitimately be shit, not by any stretch of the imagination; ‘Dermis’ sounds too… I dunno. Scientific? Medical?”

Eddie snorts his amusement at Buck, and Buck grins back at him with that particular twinkle in his eye that Eddie has come to think of as belonging to him.

He really tries his best not to be possessive over his best friend, knows he has no right to anything like that, but Eddie can't help being in love with Buck, no matter how much he wishes he wasn't.

Eddie's been fighting his desires his entire life, regardless of the fact he knows there isn't a damn thing wrong with being gay. But growing up in Texas, with a family as traditional as his own? It means Eddie hasn't ever felt entitled to getting the things he wants in life.

Buck must notice Eddie struggling, then, because he immediately drops his pen and the crossword puzzle book Eddie picked up for him yesterday at the newspaper stand near the firehouse, and is now swinging his legs off the sofa so he can scooch further up to Eddie, until he's almost on top of Eddie, and is saying, “Here, let me get that for you, Eds.”

Eddie freezes.

He knows he should shoo Buck away like he's supposed to, do the right thing, but ever since Buck started dating Tommy—and ever since Buck broke up with Tommy—Eddie's been pretty bad at being well-behaved around Buck.

Buck doesn't exactly make things easy, though. Never has, truth be told. He's always been a really tactile kind of guy, and right now his tactile nature is trying to murder Eddie, dead, dead, dead.

“Lemme just…” Buck's tongue is poking out of his mouth and resting against his bottom lip in concentration—and Eddie knows he should look away but can't—and then he's leaning right into Eddie's space, like he goddamn belongs there and, oh god, Eddie can't take this. He can't. He can't fucking breathe let alone act like this isn't bothering him, like it isn't turning him on like he's a horny teenager again, like this isn't everything he wants and has dreamed of. “Eds, just… lean forward a little would you, so I can—a little bit more, man, c'mon, don't be shy, I just need to…”

Buck really is on top of Eddie now, big arms wrapped around Eddie's head, musky cologne in Eddie's nostrils and warm breath in the shell of Eddie's super-sensitive ear and fuck, he's practically straddling Eddie now, right thigh pushed up against Eddie's junk, oh hell, and Eddie is panting softly and only about two seconds away from moaning his best friend's name like the pathetic hot mess that he is, Jesus fucking Christ.

“Got it,” Buck mutters, and just as he goes to lean back and pull away from Eddie, Eddie hears his internal monologue say: Yeah, I've got it real bad. 

Then something just—snaps inside of his brain before it's shutting down completely and his heart is in his throat as he finds himself whispering, “Screw it,” while he grabs onto both of Bucks biceps with purpose because he's terrified that if he doesn't, they might leave him forever.

“Wait,” he says. Pleads. 

Buck's right thigh is snug against Eddie's left one, the other still in Eddie's lap, his gorgeous face right there next to Eddie's, so close Eddie can almost feel the prickle of Buck's stubble.

“Eds?” Buck whispers, and his breath is mingling with Eddie's and Eddie hasn't prayed for a long, long time, but he's praying now; praying that he's not about to fuck up the best thing, bar Christopher, that has ever happened to him; praying for redemption; praying that Buck might want Eddie even just a fraction of the amount Eddie wants Buck.

His voice breaks when he says the only thing he can. “Don't go.”

Eddie wants this so, so badly, just this one thing, that's all he's asking for, and he's willing to beg for it if he has to—swears he'll never ask for anything again as long as he fucking lives.

“I'm not, Eds, I'm…” Buck trails off, frowning a little. He swallows audibly and licks at those sinful lips that are right fucking there and then says, “What, um—w-what exactly do you mean by 'don't go', Eddie?”

Eddie's heart is thumping so hard against his ribcage it feels as if it's going to burst right out of his chest, and Buck has to be able to feel it too because his solid chest is pressed up firmly against Eddie's, and Eddie can't believe he's doing this and seriously might just pass the fuck out any minute now—

“I don't…” Eddie shakes his head.

Fuck.

Is he really doing this?

“You don't know? Or you don't want me to go—like, as in go home?” Buck's asking. Eddie can't breathe. “Or do you mean, like, go, uh, g-go away from—from right here?” Buck swallows again and Eddie has never wanted anything more than to lick a long stripe up that prominent Adam's Apple of Buck's. “Do you mean don't go from this, Eds? From… from you.” And that last part doesn't sound like a question, it sounds like Buck gets it, and like he isn't horrified by the idea or amused by it or as if he's pitying or mocking Eddie.

Unbelievably, it actually sounds a little like Buck might just want Eddie, too.

Eddie screws his eyes shut, and all he can manage to say is, “Yeah, Buck. The last one.”

Buck is then slowly, gently, sliding his cheek up and down Eddie's, and Eddie finally knows exactly how it feels to have that stubble dragging against his own and there is no fucking way on Earth he could hold in the almost sob-like breath that leaves his lips as Buck's line themself up with Eddie's trembling mouth.

He's gripping Buck's arms so tightly he's scared he might leave bruises there but can feel Buck smiling as he says, “Can I, Eddie? Please?”

Is this really happening?

“Fuck yes,” Eddie urges, and then Buck is kissing him; slowly; gently, and with so much of something that feels like it could be love that Eddie wants to cry.

Then Buck's pulling away, yet not really away because it's only barely enough to let Eddie swallow the boulder-sized lump in his throat and try to catch his breath—only he doesn't quite manage to catch the tear that escapes the corner of his left eye. Somehow, though, that's okay, because Buck kisses that, too—and Eddie finds himself letting it all go, then, and smiling back at the man he's been in love with for almost six years as he cries, because he can finally feel all the colours of the rainbow on his face.

“Eddie, you have no fucking idea how long I've wanted to do that,” Buck chuckles, and Eddie leans in and tilts his own head back slightly and Buck's down a little to press lips against Buck's birthmark, smiling like a fool through his tears.

Buck puts his arms fully around Eddie's shoulders and hugs him, tight.

Eddie just breathes him in until he feels settled enough to look at Buck without welling up again.

“Skin,” Buck says then, bringing his hands to Eddie's face and holding it, brushing thumb pads along Eddie's cheeks and drying his tears because he wants to, and can. Eddie squints in slight confusion at the word, before Buck's revealing the meaning behind it, telling him, “Seven down, Eds, it just came to me: It was the word skin. Yours is—man, it's even smoother than I'd imagined. So, so beautiful. You're beautiful.”

“God, I fucking love you, Buck,” Eddie blurts, because he can't help it. “I'm—I'm in love with you, Evan, and I just—I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you that, taken me too long to get my shit together and pull my head out of my—”

“Beautiful, insanely perfect ass,” Buck laughs, and then he's kissing Eddie again, like they've been doing this forever, and Eddie's kissing him back and laughing, too.

“Stay,” Eddie begs between kisses. “Stay forever, Buck.”

Buck looks at Eddie like a man in love and says, “I'm in love with you too, Eds. So, yeah, sure, I can do forever,” he promises.

And Buck always keeps his promises. 

.

happy pride to my beautiful firefam 🌈

(unedited pls forgive me!)

[tommykinard6]

Buddie fans, my loves, come have a seat for a moment.

I want to have a chat, from a long time Buddie lover to you, whether you’re new or have been here a long time.

It’s okay.

I’ve been in the trenches with you. I’ve been pulling for Buck and Eddie to get together for years. I haven’t given up, even as I’ve seen other fans leave because they lost hope. I don’t blame them. The Buddie section of the fandom has been powerful and beautiful and all consuming. We’ve gone seven seasons and up until this point, not one of the two men in question was even confirmed to be queer.

But we all need to take a moment and breathe. That’s it. Stop doom scrolling for a moment and breathe in.

Good. Now hold for a moment.

And breathe out.

I’m going to get real here, alright? And you might not like everything I say and that��s ok.

We need to stop being a problem. Stay with me. I’m not saying we need to stop shipping Eddie and Buck. Far from it. I will love that ship forever. I’m not saying we need to stop our fanfics or fanart or our love for these two. Our feelings are valid. Many of us have been in love with these two for a long time. The Buckley-Diaz family is a strong unit.

Our feelings are valid and we feel what we feel. But our reactions are utterly and entirely our own responsibility.

We need to stop the bullying.

Let’s face it, many Buddie fans have also been long time bullies in the fandom. Particularly in regard to the actresses who have played the female love interests in the past. Don’t get me wrong, aside from maybe Ali, I have disliked every love interest introduced. But have we not yet learned to separate actress from character? If we are going to dislike an actress, let’s do it for a valid reason. Marisol’s actress for example is problematic. But many fans have rained hell down upon any woman introduced.

I’ve noticed this issue for a long time. But now we’re dealing with the issue being even more widespread because of Buck/Tommy. Now fans are bullying each other. The fandom is divided, even in what is probably one of the better seasons we’ve gotten (in my opinion). I need you guys to stay with me here.

Buck is bi.

Let’s say that again. Evan Buckley is bisexual. A major character on a major show on a major network, previously a womanizer and still a very masculine figure, is queer.

This is monumental. This is amazing.

But so many of you are letting your feelings about Buddie get in the way of appreciating the progress we’ve made. Especially with the reintroduction of Tommy Kinard, Buck’s love interest.

Let’s clear up a couple of things, shall we? Tommy Kinard is not Sal DeLuca. He is not Captain Gerrard. While he was part of the old 118 and definitely was in the old boys club, not only is he not the major problem, but in most cases that he’s an asshole, it can be traced back to his own secret. It’s not great, sure. But let’s look at the facts. Chimney is friends and still keeps in touch with him. Hen appears to hold no animosity and was clearly comfortable with him. In Bobby Begins, they all are friends. And clearly, Tommy has undergone a massive self-growth period. You cannot try to back up your point with inaccurate facts.

People can change. People can also be forgiven. It’s the prerogative of those involved. Enough said.

“But TK6,” you may say, “Buck should be with Eddie! Tommy is a plot device!”

Let’s set aside instant gratification culture really quick and talk about storytelling. You cannot get everything you want when you want it. You also cannot have your cake and eat it too. Buck and Eddie, if both queer, were never going to come out at the same time. Do we really want that?! Because identity is messy. Self discovery is messy. Eddie has Catholic guilt. Buck has self esteem/worth issues. Life isn’t a fanfiction. The real possibility of their relationship surviving such a transition isn’t all that high. IF Eddie is canonically queer, he’s going to have a rougher path than Buck has had.

Also, everyone is a plot device. Let’s get real. If a character doesn’t move a plot along, what’s the point? YES, Tommy is there for a storyline. That doesn’t in anyway invalidate his existence or his presence in Buck’s life.

If you want an instant Buddie storyline, visit ao3! There are amazing stories on there.

Now let’s talk about Buck/Tommy, or TEvan.

I am a long time Buddie lover. I also proudly ship TEvan. Yes, those can coexist. I don’t often multiship, but it’s a beautiful thing. I want Buddie to be endgame, sure! But I’m also okay if TEvan lasts. If they end up being endgame, will I be disappointed about Buddie? Of course. I will also be thrilled because Buck and Tommy are a sweet couple and I’m here for it.

As a queer woman, I’m happy that Buck is bi. Multisexual representation is still sorely lacking. Male sexuality that lets a man keep his masculinity while being queer? Even more so. Just take a look at the ao3 tag. Buck is emasculated in many fics. That’s why I stopped reading a lot.

We have a ship here that includes two very masculine men, who are emotionally vulnerable and exploring something new. I understand ship disappointment. But the negativity is wild. We need to stop the bullying. We need to stop the cheating storylines. We need to stop making Tommy into an ab*s*r only because we apparently can’t handle a love interest being a good person.

At the end of the day, these are fictional characters. It’s a fictional show. But these are real people. All of us are sitting here behind our screens with real feelings. We need to stop.

Buddie may one day happen. And maybe they won’t. TEvan might be endgame. They might not be. Tis the way of 9-1-1. It’s exciting, isn’t it? Waiting for something new and exciting. It was starting to get a little stagnant.

As a queer person, I’m not trying to gatekeep anyone. However, we cannot sit here and say “stop queerbaiting us!!!!” (They weren’t, we’ve always had queer representation on 9-1-1) “give us more representation” and then when they give it to us say, “NO! Not that way!”

If it was about the representation, it being Eddie or Tommy would matter a lot less.

So if you are someone using representation to shield yourself, kindly just be honest with yourself and everyone else.

In the words of our Lady and Savior Taylor Swift, “You need to calm down”.

Now, back off into the world of scrolling you go, my lovelies. Remember, keep an open mind and breathe. At the end of the day, it’s a show. But I for one will happily wait for every episode because I’m loving this.

[extasiswings]

Idk what this is but those new stills hurt all three of my feelings so have some angst.

“I don’t understand what happened to us. I don’t understand what changed,” Buck says, and Eddie freezes.

Because he knows. He knows exactly. Every big moment they’ve shared, the beautiful and the terrible, and all of the little ones in between exist in the back of his mind in one giant tapestry of memory. A pulsing, bleeding heart of a thing that he tries not to look at too closely because the fact that it is always there, so close to the surface, never letting him out of its thrall is sometimes more than he can bear.

It’s been years. Eddie’s gotten very used to being in love with Buck. Quietly, achingly in love with Buck, knowing he can’t have him but not being able to stop. Loving Buck doesn’t feel like a choice, it’s just a fact of his existence, rooted so deep and taking up so much space that Eddie can hardly recall being without it, the person he was before—before Buck, before LA and the 118, before tsunamis and shootings and lightning strikes. There are days when loving Buck overwhelms. When he can hardly breathe for the all-consuming nature of it. When the want is so fierce that he can taste it on his tongue. Most of the time though, it’s manageable. Like a radio on in the background, volume low enough that Eddie can ignore it. He can be almost clinical about it: fact—he is in love with Buck, fact—Buck is never going to love him back. It’s been years, so Eddie knows exactly how to handle these inconvenient truths, knows how to handle himself, has gotten used to them. He never expected anything to change, assumed that nothing could surprise him after so long.

But. Buck stood next to him in a cemetery and started talking about a woman he had only just met—a stranger—seeing him, understanding him like no one else, and Eddie—

Something in him broke. Some fragile bit of hope he hadn’t even realized he was harboring shattered, the shards slicing him to bloody ribbons.

And all he could really think was, Enough. Enough now.

Things changed then. He’s changed. Their relationship has changed. And he’s been telling himself that’s a good thing. It’s good, necessary even.

But Eddie doesn’t know how to deal with this. He doesn’t know what to say when Buck is sitting in front of him asking about it point blank while looking like a kicked puppy.

Part of him is angry. He resents being in this position, resents how long it’s taken Buck to say anything, resents knowing he can’t explain himself without revealing things he never wanted to. Mostly though, he resents the fact that after months of work—drawing a line in the sand and dating someone else, pulling away in an effort to establish real boundaries that might let him move on—he is still as much in love with Buck as ever.

Mostly though, he’s just tired.

“We’re still friends, Buck,” Eddie finally manages to say. “That hasn’t changed.”

“But something is different,” Buck insists. “If—you would tell me if I did something, wouldn’t you?”

Eddie drags a hand over his face, resisting the urge to touch his chest where a dull ache has bloomed behind his sternum.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” he replies. It’s not an answer, not to the question Buck actually asked, but it’s as much of one as Eddie thinks he can give. And it’s the truth—Buck hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not a crime not to love someone.

“But—”

“Buck.” Eddie’s tone snaps, raw and sharp and jagged. It sounds foreign to his own ears, an unacceptable loss of control, but he is fraying badly at the seams and needs out of this conversation.

A stricken look crosses Buck’s face, and Eddie forces his voice to gentle as he quietly adds, “Please.”

Please drop it. Please don’t push. Please don’t pull this thread.

Please let me go. Just let me go. Please.

Silence stretches between them for a long moment as Buck’s eyes scan Eddie’s face. But finally, as if he heard all the different things packed into that one syllable, Buck nods once.

“Okay.”

[bettyfrommars]

I had an anon request asking about Eddie and Reader intimacy sex after a hard day of work, and I meant to write a few lines, but now there is this ❤️ WC:640

boyfriend!Eddie x fem!Reader

18+Only, intimacy smut, boyfriend!Eddie, unprotected p in v, creampie

At first, sex is the last thing on either one of your minds, even though you're very much in love, because life in the real world gets exhausting. But then you go to kiss each other goodnight in bed once you're under the covers and the lights are out, and Eddie makes that needy mew sound in the back of his throat, spurred by the tongue you just slipped him, his thumb grazing your nipple through the cotton of your shirt. The kissing deepens, inhaling the smell of the soap you bought him to wash his face, and the crisp scent of laundry detergent on the pillowcase. "Fuck, I love you," he mumbles on an exhale, helping you take off the baggy tee of his that you wear to bed so that the two of you can press skin on skin. "I thought you were too tired?" you tease, snapping the waistband of his boxers, knuckles grazing the treasure trail below his bellybutton.

"Never too tired for this," he whispers, fingers seeking the heat between your legs. "Open up for me baby, I need to be inside you again." As he says it, he's moving on top of you, getting rid of his boxers, and you're pushing your underwear down your legs, offering yourself to him. Tongues flick between softly parted lips, "you miss it, don't you, baby? You miss my cock inside of you?"

"Yeah, baby, I need it," you whimper, feeling the tip stretch you a bit as he guides it in, and you buck your hips up to meet him, begging. A strand of his hair gets caught in between your lips and you caress it back behind his ear.

His mouth hovers over yours, nose pressing into your cheek, because he wants to stay as close to you as possible, sinking in with a groan. "I love how wet you get for me, baby, fuck. I love that it's all for me."

He's all the way in now, and the sensation makes you shudder, filling you with those familiar intense emotions that make a tear catch in your throat from time to time. "I love you so much," you whisper against his mouth, his hips working, unsure what saliva belongs to who. One of your hands is on his lower back, coaxing him deeper, while the other is holding his face, needing the weight of him.

He hesitates, lifting up just enough to ask if you want him to grab your vibrator out of the nightstand.

"Don't you dare go anywhere, baby. I want you just like this," you insist. You need him as close as he can be for as long as it takes.

You push hair out of his face again as his forehead rests on yours, and his thrusting gets faster, breath hitching in his chest. "I'm gonna cum so hard, holy fuck," he hisses, hips stuttering. "Do you love me, baby?"

"I love you more than anything," you whine, fingers sinking into the flesh of his hip. "I'm so in love with you."

His movements jerk and then still, exhaling a sharp breath, pouring himself into you, pushing it base deep. He always came the hardest when you told him how much you loved him.

He stiffens and rides the wave of bliss for a few seconds longer, and then you have all of his weight on you, cock staying inside until it softened enough to slide out. Your orgasms were plentiful with Eddie, but this time, even without it, your pleasure was equal to his.

Exhaling hot breaths against your throat, he hushed, "I've never loved anyone this much," and then both sets of eyes fluttered heavy and the pillow was calling.

You let him be the little spoon that night.

[buddiebeginz]

Saw this ridiculous thread on twitter that really deserves to be taken apart so lets go:

First of all while it's obvious that Buck is attracted to T*mmy (and at this point likes him a lot considering they're now dating) in 7x04 the the main person who's attention he was trying to get was Eddie's. I did an entire breakdown of that ep btw for anyone who is still confused about what was really happening there.

------

1.

Buck goes to see Maddie after the basketball incidient and this is how the conversation goes

Maddie: You didn't mean to hurt him did you?

Buck: I don't know. I was pissed you know. Seeing him and T*mmy being such good friends after only two weeks. I felt left out and I guess I was trying to get his attention.

I know that you B/T shippers desperately want to see 7x04 as Buck sent the entire episode being super smitten over T*mmy but that is just not the story that show is telling. The entire conversation that Maddie and Buck are having in this scene prior to T*mmy even being mentioned is about Eddie. Buck and Maddie are talking about Eddie's injury and how Buck thinks Eddie won't want to talk to him after what he did. The focus is on Eddie. Also it doesn't make any logical sense for Buck to be so upset and emotionally invested over some guy he barely knows. He's upset because he thinks Eddie his best friend can so easily replace him in his life.

------

2.

You're defending T*mmy because you say he left the date not wanting to pressure Buck...yet he almost outed him in front of Eddie (someone T*mmy knows is important to Buck). By the time they were on their first date T*mmy already knew how new all of this was for Buck and how nervous he was, I mean the man was talking about how he was an ally ffs while he was on a date with a guy. And while Buck's comment about finding some hot chicks was embarrassing and I get T*mmy not liking it he should have had a little more understanding given where Buck is in his journey. Instead he made it worse by making that crass closet comment.

It's also just plain rude to go on a date with someone and then ditch them in the middle without making sure they have a way home and without any real explanation (I'm not talking about more extreme circumstances like your date just being an ahole btw). Sure T*mmy told Buck he didn't think he was ready but that was really all he said. Buck was likely left feeling like he was being punished for having a moment where he acted out of fear. T*mmy could have shared an Uber with Buck and talked to him on the way home and they could have seen if they wanted things to continue. But it was like at the first sign of Buck needing more support he bailed.

------

3.

My personal feeling on the first kiss is that T*mmy really should have given something of an indication of his intentions before he kissed Buck.

Speaking as someone who is bi if I was into another woman and they were giving off the kind of vibes Buck was I wouldn't just jump in there and kiss them. I know they try to make everything more sexy for tv and it's the oldest trope in the book to have the hot guy grab the main's face and lay one on them but given all of the signals Buck was sending out T*mmy really should have gotten more confirmation beforehand.

I'm not accusing T*mmy of anything and clearly Buck liked the kiss and it was also clear in that loft scene he was attracted to T*mmy. Still the vibes he was giving off were also really nervous an unsure and he talked about Eddie 90% of the time literally moments before the kiss. Why jump in an kiss someone who seems that nervous and probably is into someone else? I don't know it's just issues I have with that scene.

----

4.

When it comes to a lot of the discourse I see around between Buddie shippers and B/T shippers I feel like a major difference is in how we perceive the show. I feel like a lot of B/T shippers mostly just take the show at face value. If something is written a certain way and presented that way to you on the screen you take that as exactly what the story is saying but you're missing the more subtle messages in the writing.

Like the whole scene with Buck, T*mmy, and Eddie in the karaoke bar had a lot going on beyond just what the dialogue was saying and it was likely missed by those who weren't paying attention.

Yeah T*mmy was on call and yeah that could be a reason why he didn't dress up. Although as many have pointed out there's plenty of things he could have worn that would have made it easy for him to quickly change and get to work and still put an ounce of effort into something that was clearly important to Buck.

But the not dressing up wasn't even the biggest issue it was that when Buck seemed hurt by the fact that T*mmy didn't care enough to dress up T*mmy was just like it's not that big of deal get over it (in the demeanor with which he responded). Obviously it was just a silly bachelor party one Chim didn't even show up to and no one else even dressed up for it (besides Eddie) but for me it's another red flag showing that T*mmy doesn't listen to Buck and doesn't have his back like a (potential) partner should.

Also you can defend T*mmy all you want but very deliberate choices were made with this Buddie and T*mmy scene. They chose to have Eddie arrive first and call a lot of attention to what he was wearing. Right before they had T*mmy come in and have that whole convo about his lack of costume to Buck.

Multiple times in the episode they pointed out that Buddie were wearing a couples costume and that Eddie is the one who picked it out. Not only were they matching in the bachelor party outfits but if you look at their outfits in the later scenes while looking for Chim they're coordinated like spouses there too.

They chose to have Eddie be the one to stay with Buck when everyone else left. They chose to have Buddie partying alone when they could have easily had T*mmy there. Especially when you consider this is a much shorter season every scene and every ep means even more than it would in a normal season. If they were trying to build B/T and get the audience to warm to them showing them partying even showing B/T partying with Eddie would have been a great time to do that instead they only focused on Buddie.

-------

5.

I'm happy for B/T shippers that you got your kissing scene at the end but here's what I saw. In a very overstuffed episode they chose to have a ton of Buddie stuff including having Buck and Eddie show up together multiple times while everyone was out looking for Chimney. Meanwhile B/T got one small scene (which included Eddie) in the beginning and one kiss at the end away from everyone else (that immediately cut to Eddie and Chris). The kiss didn't even feel like it's main purpose was to further develop the B/T relationship, it felt like it happened more to serve Buck's bi storyline so he could come out to everyone.

Also others have pointed this out but just because B/T have physical chemistry doesn't mean they have romantic chemistry. They seem like very different people. Too different in my opinion. In what little scenes of conversation they've actually had I just see two people who won't be compatible long term.

Juxtapose that with Eddie and Buck and just how much alike they are while at the same time being so uniquely themselves. How they're able to call each other out when they need to like when Eddie pointed out how it was maybe not the greatest idea for Buck to come out at his sister's wedding.

You can dislike Buddie and ship B/T all you want but you can't deny how all Buck and Eddie have to do is stand near each other and they exude chemistry and compatibility. People who don't even watch the show assume they're together and there's not even one scene of them kissing. Yet the main reason people ship B/T is because they're two hot guys who've kissed twice. There is no other real point of substance there. Now tell me again which fandom is guilty of fetishization here?

----

6.

You can call us the delusional ones all you want but EVERYTHING is screaming in your face that T*mmy isn't going to last forever. I don't even care if he comes back for season 8. T*mmy and B/T have a giant ticking clock over them and sooner or later their time will be up. There is no way Tim, the writers, ABC, Ryan, Oliver, etc would pass on the phenomenon that Buddie will be once it goes canon. The show already gets a ton of attention just from talking about the possibility of them going canon. Every single article where they even mention Buddie gets attention.

It's hilarious to me that you say the actors and showrunners are what rooting for B/T? In all the the interviews they talk about Buddie now. Tim literally was saying he cares about Buddie too in his response to a fan the other day. He literally said he included Buddie scene specifically for our fandom. Oliver is always posting and liking stuff related to his scenes with Ryan and Buddie. When Ryan gets to do interviews he gushes about Buddie and Oliver. Meanwhile B/T which is supposed to be the canon ship in this important queer storyline they're doing barely gets mentioned. Let me know when that same energy is being given to your ship.

[littlerosetrove]

Full acknowledgement that this is a first initial reaction, and I am in my Feelings about it. I may change my mind on some of this later, as I’m allowed, but as it stands right now? …..Do these writers even like Eddie? A bit of hyperbole, but hear me out. 

What. Was the POINT. of Eddie cheating with a doppelgänger of his dead wife when, I’m sorry, but it amounted to nothing. Not for Eddie at least. I THOUGHT the point of this soap opera stuff was that Eddie was going to start learning and healing from his trauma surrounding Shannon, but after this episode? That’s not what we got, not that I could tell. Honestly, I feel like Eddie is in the same place with his issues with Shannon if not potentially worse. Like jfc will these writers not allow Eddie, after five years, to move on from Shannon in any way? 

This is TV land, not reality. Things will not play out as they do in the real world. As a viewer this is super frustrating to see this issue be dragged out for five seasons, and what will now be beyond that. I’m sorry, but I’m So Tired of Shannon and Eddie being perpetually on this hamster wheel with her. Unless I’m sorely mistaken, but Eddie has learned nothing and dealt with nothing when it comes to Shannon, and now this show is going to drag it out into a SIXTH season of this particular issue.

The ONLY thing we got from the doppelgänger stuff was a traumatized Chris who, frankly, while he’s allowed to be upset, didn’t talk about WHY he’s even upset, not really. He at the very least said to Buck that he thought his mom was back, but she wasn’t. That’s something, but even that was not relayed to Eddie from Buck. 

So Chris is mad and called his grandparents and is going to stay with them indefinitely??? The writers had No One really communicating when it came to Chris, Eddie, his parents, or even Buck. There was some acknowledgment that Chris needs space, but idk…. Right now this feels like drama for drama's sake. I could have understood Chris wanting space for the summer, but there being no timeline to this??? That’s just unnecessarily cruel to Eddie. 

Bringing Eddie’s parents into this. I’ve seen people say “but Eddie has worked on rebuilding things with his parents, and now it’s all regressing.” That’s only partly true. Eddie has never started to work on his issues with his mom. He only worked on rebuilding something with his dad in season 5. There has been zero work to reconcile with his mom. So Helena was in character for being perfectly fine (happy) to take Chris. She may have not meant it cruelly, but her saying “if Chris forgets anything we’ll buy it for him or replace it” was mean. To me anyway.

The two good things for Eddie this season have been his new friendship with Tommy, and a consistent and strong relationship/friendship with Buck. Other that that this season has just: → made Eddie feel like he’s perpetually failing as a father → Eddie has been given no real closure or growth when it comes to Shannon, not that I could tell → continual mother issues, because Helena was happy to take Chris away from Eddie for an undisclosed amount of time

To break it all down even further, this season gave Eddie a relationship with a woman that, let’s be so for real, was pointless. Marisol was never a character. Eddie may at the very beginning gone into this relationship looking for the “magic” he had with Shannon, but that fizzled real fucking quick. There was nothing to this relationship. More than once Eddie “joked” about breaking up with Marisol, and he clearly showed disinterest in her early on. Then she was kept around to In The Background be cheated on. To tie it up the nothing burger of a relationship, there was a less than 10 second mention of an off screen breakup. Marisol had no weight in all this. Was the point of Marisol to show Chris, again, that “people don’t stick around”? Chris’s commitment issues come from his mom. Perhaps Ana leaving didn’t help matters (although we never got any insight into what Chris felt about that), but so what. We needed a third woman to leave to just compound Chris’s abandonment/commitment issues?? Nah. Just like Buck’s abandonment issues always come back to his parents, so do Chris’s (his mom). That’s the root of the issue, which means that Chris needs to go to therapy about it and Talk to his dad (although Eddie needs a ton of his own therapy first, since Eddie has Still not dealt with his Shannon issues). 

We got Chris in 7x1 maybe starting to work through his issues with his mom. Then we jump to the last episode where now Chris is angry and traumatized at seeing a clone of his mom…. For what purpose? Really. Eddie doesn’t seem to have gotten anything remotely positive out of the doppelgänger stuff, and clearly neither has Chris. So… So what was the point? To just create a rift between Eddie and Chris? To make Chris not trust his dad? Idk, pick a different method, ‘cause this was not it for me. 

When it comes to Eddie the only thing that the mess of the doppelgänger stuff has, apparently, taught Eddie is that when he does anything for himself, it will hurt Chris. Eddie, as far as I can tell, didn’t really get any kind of closure when it comes to Shannon, not based on this episode (7x10). No, instead we just have the recurring theme of Eddie feeling like he’s a failure of a father, and that all he does is hurt Chris. That’s what we’ve been given is Eddie feeling really fucking low, feeling like all his worst fears about himself are true, and now his son is gone for an indefinite amount of time. 

Eddie is left miserable, and for what? Well it damn well better be to build him back up in season 8. I know this is a drama, but come on.  Season 8 better give Eddie the time and respect he deserves. He has so many unresolved issues to work on and work through. - His issues with Shannon because apparently this show is still not fucking done with it. At this point I may accept season 8 starting with Eddie saying he went to therapy (off screen) and has worked through his Shannon issues just so that can be finally put to rest. - Eddie’s massive self worth issues especially when it comes to him being a father. His constant thought - compounded by his mom who has only ever seen Eddie as a failure - that he’s failing as a dad. - Eddie and his mom issues. Will those ever be addressed? - Eddie and Chris will need to rebuild a bridge together and heal. - Eddie is having an identity crisis because he does not even know what he wants (brought up in 7x9). He’s never been given the time or space to think about who he, just Eddie, even is. - Here’s to hoping this show sticks with the hints they’ve given, and that is Eddie going on his own queer journey. It clearly won’t be as smooth sailing as Buck because nothing is ever easy for Eddie.

EDIT: Some will miss this because it's been reblogged, but in short? Um. Eddie had no growth this season... Superb.

[bucksdaffy]

you know what i really love about post-first-bucktommy-meeting-pre-first-bucktommy-kiss buck? how his subconscious almost completely took over the reins.

we know that at some point off-screen in 7x03, he met tommy for the first time. we don't really know what that interaction looked like, but i think we can safely assume he introduced himself as evan buckley, and for some reason he didn't mention that everyone calls him buck. a number of external factors could have been at play here: perhaps he was interrupted by chim or eddie (honestly, i could see that), or there was simply no time or too much chaos to mention that he goes by buck (this one feels like a stretch because of another factor i'll mention in a moment, but nevertheless, it could have happened). there are also a lot of internal factors that could potentially make sense: he might have simply forgotten to mention it (but i do feel like this is the kind of information you don't really forget to touch upon, especially when it is so ingrained in your day-to-day life), he might have thought that they weren't close enough for tommy to refer to him by his nickname (which, i feel, is a huge stretch because there are plenty of instances where buck tells people he barely knows to call him buck), or he might have just not liked tommy very much (which is immediately debunked – i don't think i have to explain why this just can't be true). but there is one more internal factor that i think tracks pretty well with what we observe in 7x04: from the very first moment buck laid his eyes on tommy, he was immediately attracted to him. he looked at him as his potential love interest from the get-go. he wasn't consciously aware of it, so he probably tried to justify it in a way that made sense to him outside of the "i'm-also-attracted-to-men" aspect of it all. or perhaps he didn't wonder why he was completely fine with tommy calling him evan at all. maybe he didn't question it because, for some reason, it felt right. hell, maybe he didn't even register the "anomaly". but his subconscious mind knew the real reason why he let that happen. his subconscious mind knew the real reason why he didn't correct tommy at any point. and that is because he had always viewed him as more than a friend.

in 7x04, his subconscious mind, which was very much aware of his attraction to tommy, took over the reins on many occasions. the very first instance was him rejecting the advances of the contestants during the bachelor call. he consciously justified it as having a rule of not dating people he meets on calls. but subconsciously? tommy already had him wrapped around his finger. by that point, his eyes were on tommy and tommy only. he wasn't interested in those women flirting with him because his heart was busy trying to pursue tommy.

later on, we see that buck reached out to tommy off-screen for a tour of the harbor station. when tommy tried to get an idea of the real reason why buck wanted the tour, buck consciously justified it as wanting to see the place during the day. subconsciously, though? he was there to get to know tommy. he wanted to find some common link between them, and he wanted to spend more time with him.

his subconscious mind also completely took over when he and tommy were talking about their exes. at no point did buck indicate that the people he used to date were exclusively women. he didn't want and didn't feel the need to specify their gender. why? because his subconscious ass knew that if he had mentioned they were women, he would probably have little to no chance to pursue tommy romantically (unless he somehow managed to realize on his own that he's attracted to him – not entirely impossible but highly unlikely given that buck had to be kissed to finally get it). so he made sure not to disclose that information, keeping things as ambiguous as possible.

buck then proposed that he should buy tommy a beer. i don't know for sure if he consciously justified it in any way – it is pretty normal to go out for a beer or two with your friends, so i guess he didn't really feel the need to. but i'm pretty sure that by that point, he regarded tommy as cool and he very much wanted to be his boyfriend. i don't quite know if he consciously realized that at that stage. i honestly could see it both ways, and i don't want to make assumptions when i'm not that sure, so i'll just leave it at that.

then eddie showed up, and tommy left with him to see the fight in vegas. everyone and their mother could see how uncomfortable buck was at that moment. he was seething with jealousy. there was no conscious justification on buck's part in that moment because no one really expected any explanation from him at that point. but we later learn that he probably justified this jealousy (which continued pretty much throughout the entire episode) as tommy taking his best friend away from him. subconsciously, however? he was mad that eddie was getting more attention from tommy than he was. he didn't like that eddie was the only one taking up tommy's time. buck wanted tommy to spend time with him as well, and he really wanted him to like him. both his conscious and subconscious reasoning here apply also in the subsequent scenes of the episode: when buck was grilling eddie for information about his and tommy's time in vegas, learning that they also did some muay thai sparring at tommy's place, and that tommy worked on eddie's chevelle; when eddie said that he and tommy instantly clicked, something that buck subconsciously thought actually happened with him and tommy; when buck was hopeful that he would get invited to that karaoke bar trivia thing that eddie and tommy had planned, only for eddie to ask buck to watch chris during that time; when he was ranting to maddie about how close tommy got not only with eddie but also with chris; when he was trying to fetch an invite to the basketball game because he knew tommy would be there, trying so hard not to make it obvious that he wanted to go there only to spend time with tommy; or when he maimed eddie because him and tommy were too much of a team for his liking. buck kind of admitted to that in the scene with maddie, where he explained the most likely reason why he had hurt eddie – he felt left out seeing eddie and tommy be such good friends after only two weeks and he wanted to get his attention (again, his subconscious mind conveniently not specifying whose attention he was after).

buck both knew and didn't know what he was doing throughout this episode and why. subconsciously, he was very much aware of his feelings for tommy. and all the little smiles directed at him, the looks he gave him, his body language whenever he was around him, the way he talked about and to him, and the way he was constantly trying to get his attention only prove that.

it wasn't until tommy showed up in his loft that his conscious mind finally started piecing it all together. tommy's reassurance that he couldn't possibly replace buck in eddie's and chris's lives, although very much appreciated, for some reason wasn't quite enough. why? because buck wasn't really worried about that. it was tommy's attention he was after all this time. and he realized that when tommy disclosed his own insecurities to buck. and only when tommy kissed him did he truly understand it all. his consciousness finally tuned in to his subconscious mind, and he could finally make sense of his behavior. he finally realized what his subconscious mind was screaming at him since the very beginning: tommy was always more than a friend to him. and the journey that he took to this realization was just so beautifully crafted. it felt really rewarding to see his conscious mind finally catch up with his subconscious feelings. i can only hope that from now on, they will always go hand in hand.

[firehose118]

anyway i started writing a qpr buddie/bucktommy post-s7 fic that i may or may not finish but that's what sparked this meta. here's part of a scene from that fic with the same idea:

“Look, man…” Eddie trails off but Tommy waits as he gathers his thoughts. “I don’t know what this is. I don’t- I don’t think I’m into Buck. Not… the same way you are, anyway. But I really like this. I think I need this. I need him.” Tommy brings a hand up to cup Eddie’s face and shit, that feels nice too. “I know you do. I don’t mind, I promise. You’re not a burden. We’re not just putting up with you. We want you here, okay? We care about you. We both do.” He keeps Eddie in place as he presses a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. “You got that?” Eddie nods. “Thank you.” “Of course,” Tommy says, like this is the most normal situation in the world. Then his eyebrows furrow and he gets serious. “Eddie, real life doesn’t look the way we were brought up to believe it does. It’s not neat and clean and one-size-fits-all. It’s weird and messy, and every attempt to force ourselves to fit the mold we think we’re supposed to just makes us miserable. Trust me: I dated women until I was thirty, even though I knew pretty early on that I couldn’t be happy with them. I kept trying because that’s what I thought I was supposed to want; what I needed to do to be accepted. For so long I felt broken, and I kept hoping I could find a woman who would fix me. Eventually, I had to just be honest with myself.” The and so do you goes unspoken, but Eddie hears it anyway. Tommy doesn’t bullshit and he also doesn’t pull any punches. Eddie feels like he’s been hit in the throat and he can barely breathe.

“Do you think I’m gay?” Eddie asks in a small voice.

For a moment, Tommy just looks at him; sympathetic but not pitying. Steadying, somehow. The look of someone who has been where Eddie is now and knows exactly how difficult the journey forward is going to be.

“That’s not a question I can answer for you,” Tommy says as he strokes his thumb along Eddie’s cheekbone. “But I do think your attempts at unquestioned heterosexuality are making you miserable. I think you need to sit down with yourself, maybe with a therapist, and really think about your own truth. Do you like women? Do you like men? Do you like both? Or neither? When have you experienced genuine attraction? What does that feel like for you? What does a happy life look like to you? Strip away all the notions you have about what you’re supposed to do, what you’re supposed to feel. What do you want, really?”

Eddie doesn’t have an answer to a single one of those questions. Standing in his best friend’s boyfriend’s house, his best friend’s boyfriend—his friend—cupping his face, his body warm and loose from hours of cuddling with both of them, Eddie feels so unrecognizable to himself.

He likes this. It’s comfortable with Buck and Tommy; far more so than the intimacy he’d forced himself to have with his last two girlfriends. Never, ever in his adult life—not since he was fourteen years old and blushing at Shannon for the first time—has he ever considered finding intimacy in anyone other than a mother for his son.

But he likes this.

How well does Eddie know himself, really? Who is Eddie, outside of fatherhood? Who is Eddie, outside of the expectations he was raised with? The expectations he has clung to like a too-small piece of driftwood in the terrifying churning seas of life, because it’s been easier than letting the waves take him. Expectations he doesn’t want to let go of even now.

But he has to. He has to do something because his son is gone. His son left him voluntarily because of a mess that Eddie has no one to blame for but himself; a mess no one can clean up but himself. A mess that Eddie allowed to accumulate because he is in denial about something. He just doesn’t know what.

It would be so easy to lay it all at Shannon’s feet; to say he’s a wreck because Shannon wanted a divorce and died and he never allowed himself to truly accept the first as he grappled with the pain of the second. But if Eddie is honest, he knows there’s more going on than that.

He feels his eyes fill with tears as the driftwood floats away and the saltwater engulfs him.

“I don’t know,” Eddie admits. “I don’t know how to be happy.”

Tommy makes a small noise and folds Eddie into his chest; holds him while he cries. His arms are strong and big around Eddie—safe. It’s not the same way Buck makes him feel safe, not known and understood and loved to the core, but he feels safe nonetheless. Sturdy. Held.

“It’s okay,” Tommy assures him. “You don’t have to know right now. But you do need to stop forcing yourself to date people you don’t want to. You do need to think about what you want. And we’ll be here for you while you do. I wish I could tell you it’s not going to hurt, but it is. Lean on us for anything you need. Trust us to hold you up.”

Despite everything, Eddie does.

[munsonsmixtapes]

Maybe I Do

Buck x Eddie x fem!firefighter!reader

summary: you and Eddie are in a secret relationship and Buck wants to be apart of it, only for you to reject him. But when a new member joins the 118 and starts flirting with Buck, you and Eddie realize that you actually do like him.

word count: 4k

cw: make out session, reader has a panic attack, hurt/comfort

based on a comment on this post by @unknown-2505

"We should probably stop," you told Eddie as you went in for another kiss. "We're going to be late."

"Tell them that we were stuck in traffic." He licked into your mouth and you let out a moan at the feeling of his tongue scratching against yours. You were straddling his waist as the two of you sat in the passenger seat of your car, trying to get in a quickie before you had to go into work.

"Eddie," you laughed. "C'mon." But he just pulled you in for another kiss, trying to get to any place he could reach as you grabbed your shirt from the driver’s seat. You put it on and Eddie helped you button it, whining about needing one more kiss. He was always like that, never able to get enough of your lips. Especially since he was about to go into a long shift with a single one.

You had mutually decided to keep it a secret since you didn’t want everyone meddling into your love life. And it was kind of fun sneaking around. It was hot sneaking off to the bathroom to have a quickie, your hearts pounding as you tried to keep quiet so no one would hear you. And as far as you were concerned, no one knew.

You opened the door and Eddie helped you out before you grabbed your duffel and hurried into the station. Eddie counted to sixty then copied you, hurrying into the station a minute after you so nobody would have been suspicious about the two of you coming in together.

You both put your stuff away in your locker, Buck not far behind. He stood next to you as he put his things away, nudging your shoulder as he did so. It was something that he did every morning without fail. It was his very subtle way of telling you that he was interested in you. So subtle that you hadn’t even realized that was what he was hinting at.

He had liked Eddie for a long time, but when you came along, he knew he was fucked. You were just so pretty and nice, and seeing the two of you together was a lethal combo. You were both so hot that it was causing his bi panic to skyrocket. And he slowly started to realize that he was in love with the both of you. Head over heel, completely and totally in love. So much so that it was making him feel sick.

And it wasn’t like he could tell either of you. You would have been supportive, of course, that was just how the two of you were, but he was beginning to think that maybe it wasn’t the right idea to tell you. As far as he was concerned, he was taking that shit to the grave. It was far too embarrassing to admit it. How could he go about telling his two best friends that he was in love with them?

“Buck?” You asked, nudging his shoulder. “You still with us?” He finally came back to the real world to see your beautiful eyes looking at him. You almost seemed concerned and he didn’t like that. He appreciated that you worried about him (maybe a bit too much) but he didn’t need you to. He didn’t need you wasting that kind of energy on him. He didn’t think he deserved it.

“Huh?” He asked, completely unaware that you had even been speaking to him. He was too far into his own little world.

“We were wondering if you were still going out with us tonight,” Eddie said and Buck had to try his hardest not to stare at Eddie’s flexed arm as he put his bag into his locker.

“Yeah, of course,” Buck nodded as he forced himself to turn away. “I’m always in.”

“Good because it’s my treat because,” you paused for dramatic effect and held up your keys, showing him the newest addition.

“You got it?” He asked excitedly, reaching out for the key.

“I did,” you smiled proudly. “Got the keys yesterday. Can you believe it, Buck? A place that’s all mine.” Well, a place that was yours and Eddie’s and Christopher’s, but Buck didn’t need to know that.

You both felt horrible for hiding it from him, but you felt like it was for the best. Yes, you were pretty serious considering that him and his son had moved in with you, but you still didn’t feel like it was the right time to lay everything on the table.

You knew everyone would be supportive, especially Buck, but it just felt much better to keep it to yourself for the time being. You felt like telling everyone the truth would only make things weird with you and Eddie you had been hiding for about six months and it just would have been odd to spill everything now. Plus, you thought the whole secrecy thing was hot.

“I’ll have to see it sometime,” he said, leaning in a bit too close to you, but he couldn’t help it. You just smelled so good.

“I guess you will,” you smiled back only to see Eddie making a motion to stop you from speaking. “I-I mean, maybe,” you shrugged.

“What?” Buck was very confused by your response, turning around to see what you were looking at and Eddie turned his back to head out of the locker room.

“Nothing,” you smiled brightly.

“You’re acting weird.”

“Maybe you’re the one who’s acting weird,” you countered, crossing your arms over your chest in a defensive manner. Buck stepped closer to you, resting a hand on your arm. He was getting concerned, wondering if there was something that you were too afraid to tell him. But you could tell him, he wouldn’t judge you, in fact, he would have helped you through whatever it was.

“What’s really going on?” He asked, his blue eyes boring into yours. You felt horrible lying to him, but you were just doing what you thought was right.

“Nothing, seriously, Buck. I appreciate you worrying about me, but you don’t need to.” You removed his hand from your shoulder and took it in both of yours. “I swear.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “But you know you can come to me with anything, right?”

“I know that,” you nodded.

“Good.” With that, you both fled the locker room and all headed up the stairs where the rest of the 118 was resting, waiting around for a call. You sat on the sofa next to Eddie, making sure to keep space between your bodies so as to not look suspicious.

He was watching the TV across from the couch intently. So much so that you were convinced that he hadn’t even seen you. But not long after you sat down, he slowly inched his hand towards yours. You looked over your shoulder to see everyone in the kitchen getting coffee, so you took Eddie’s hand, intertwining your fingers, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

You ran your thumb over them as the two of you watched the TV, a silly comedy playing on the TV. But you weren’t really watching. All you could think about was what Buck had said about you acting weird. Did he know what was going on with you and Eddie? He had to if he was calling your behavior, right? And he was also suspicious of Eddie now that he thought about it.

Now that someone knew, you were concerned that you were going to have to call the whole thing off. You really loved Eddie and didn’t want to give up on him. You couldn’t. Especially since you had just moved in together. Especially since you had just gotten Christopher used to moving to a new place and he actually seemed to be happy with it.

Your life had changed for the better since they had entered it and you weren’t going to give it up. You couldn’t. This was only the beginning. And you weren’t going to let Buck’s knowledge of your relationship ruin it.

“So, what are you two up to?” Hen asked as she leaned over the back of the sofa. Both you and Eddie let go of each other’s hand when you noticed her presence and if he saw it, she didn’t say anything.

“Watching TV, obviously,” Eddie laughed nervously. Hen rounded the sofa and sat on the cushion between the two of you. Hen had been suspicious of the two of you for months and seeing you hold hands like that confirmed them. The way the two of you behaved around each other was much more than friendly even if the others couldn’t see through it like she could.

She was supportive, though. She had seen the attraction since you first showed up and she was nothing but happy for the two of you. She was just hoping that Buck was going to be okay, though. He had confided in her about his crush on the both of you and was concerned how that was all going to do go down. Buck was like a little brother to her and she wanted to protect him at all costs.

Because of her suspicion, Hen told him to hold off on telling the two of you how he felt. She could see how much he was aching because of how strong his feelings were, but there was no way she was going to tell him that the two of you were together. It wasn’t any of her business and she didn’t want to make anything weird between the three of you. You were so close and she wasn’t going to take the blame for breaking the three of you up.

“Listen,” she said, motioning for you both to lean forward. You listened and leaned closer, Hen’s voice lowering to a whisper. “I know about the two of you.” Both of you widened your eyes and turned to each other. You swore you weren’t that obvious, but supposed that if anyone could have figured it out, it would have been Hen.

“But-” you tried to speak, but Bobby’s voice cut you off.

“Alright, everyone, listen up,” he called out and you all turned into him, your eyes immediately catching onto the man and woman who were standing on either side of him. “This is Hazel,” he rested a hand on the woman’s shoulder. “And Benjamin,” his other hand landed on the man’s shoulder. “They’re the newest members of the 118 so treat them like one of us, alright?”

Just as the words left his mouth, the siren went off and you all were flying down the stairs to head to the engine. Everyone was able to fit except Chimney and Hen who were taking the ambulance. You were in between Eddie and Buck, both of the new members of the crew sitting across from you along with Ravi.

You could hear Buck and Eddie making conversation with them, but you weren’t paying attention, their words sounding all muffled as you got too into your head. You didn’t think you and Eddie had been obvious, but considering Hen had figured you out, you were convinced that everyone else knew as well. And now you were afraid Bobby was going to transfer you because the two of you were dating because you knew that it was against the rules for the two of you to be romantically linked.

After the call, the engine pulled back up to the fire house and once you got out, you headed to the women’s bathroom, beckoning for Eddie to follow, counting to a minute before he met you there. You locked the both of you in the handicapped stall and Eddie was quick to rest his hands on your waist, leaning in for a kiss, but you out your hand on his chest to stop him.

“We’re not here to make out, Eddie.”

“Then what are we here for?”

“We need to talk.” He didn’t like the sound of that. Oh god, you were going to break up with him. That was usually what those words meant. At least, whenever he had heard them, that was what they had meant.

You couldn’t break up with him. You had such a good thing going. You were the best thing that had ever happened to him and he couldn’t let you slip through his fingers because of something stupid that he had done. At least, he assumed it was his fault. All of his breakups were.

“I’m not breaking up with you,” you told him and he let out a deep breath.

“Thank god. Then what is this about?”

“I think we need to tell everyone about us.”

“Why?”

“Hen knows so it’s only a matter of time before everyone else does too.” Eddie supposed you were right. He didn’t think that Hen would tell anyone, but he thought it was best that you both just came clean.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do. You know that.” His hand reached up and pushed your hair behind your ears before pressing a gentle kiss to your lips.

“Let’s tell them tomorrow morning,” you said. “It’s been a long day.”

“I agree,” he nodded. “So now that that’s settled…”

“I guess I can agree to that,” you rolled your eyes. Eddie smiled down at you, backing you up against the wall before pressing his lips to yours. Your arms wrapped around his neck while his went to your waist, picking you up from the floor and your legs wrapped around his middle as he pinned you to the wall as he licked into your mouth.

He unbuttoned the first few buttons of your shirt and pushed it down your shoulders before going straight for your neck, licking and sucking on the spot, eliciting a moan from your lips. This was by far his favorite thing to do to you whenever you were together like this. He loved the noises you made and the way he was able to make you come undone just by sucking on your skin. And when he was done, you were able to cover it up with the collar of your shirt. It was something just for the two of you. Your own little secret.

“So good, Eddie,” you moaned and that only encouraged him, intending on making you orgasm just from giving you a hickey. “We-we have to go back soon or they’ll get suspicious,” you told him through your labored breaths. There was a truth to your words, but you both were just too caught up in how good you felt to stop.

He continued to lick and suck, wanting the mark he was creating to be dark. So much so that there was no way for you to hide it with makeup. He wanted to stand behind you in the mirror in your shared bathroom while both of you admired the pretty bruise.

“Hold on, honey,” he murmured against your lips. “I’m doing my best work.” His teeth grazed your skin and you swore you were going to melt. If he hadn’t have been holding you, you were sure that your legs would have given out.

“Sh-shit, Ed. Do that again.” Your words were already slurring and he was positive that was a record of how quick he was to make you come undone. He did as you asked and grazed the spot with his teeth, harder this time. Your hands moved to his hair and you gave it a yank in response to the pleasure coursing through you.

He bit down on the mark that was forming, but not enough to break the skin, and you moaned, even louder this time. Surely someone would have heard you from outside the bathroom, but you didn’t care. You were just so focused on Eddie and his mouth.

You collapsed against him and he licked a stripe across the forming bruise to diffuse the sting before pulling away from you completely. He smiled down at the pretty mark he had made, the thing shining with his spit then set you down on the floor. He then began to button up your shirt, taking his time to make sure that all of the buttons were lined up properly. You had almost gotten caught week before because of that very thing and neither of you were going to repeat your errors.

-

The bar was pretty empty when you, Eddie and Buck arrived. The three of you hurried inside and ordered a round of shots to celebrate another job well done. The day had been pretty busy and now you were all ready to unwind. Well, you and Eddie were. Buck was just ready to tell you both the truth about the feelings he was harboring. He felt like he needed to get the words out no matter what Hen said. He knew that she was just looking out for him, but he had holding his feelings in for far too long.

He looked at the both of you and noticed the look you were sharing. It was almost…romantic. In that moment, he realized what was happening. The two of you were together. Now it all made sense. The sneaking off, the two of you coming back with your hair messed up and your shirts buttoned weirdly. Buck had been so preoccupied with his crush on both of you that he hadn’t been paying attention. Until now.

“Buck?” You asked, nudging him shoulder.

“Huh?” He was finally focusing in again. His mind in reality.

“Are you okay, man?” Eddie asked. “You’ve been spacey all day.”

“I guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” He headed towards an open table and sat down, both you and Eddie following him.

“What is it?” You asked as you sat across from him, setting your hand on top of his that was resting on the table. He immediately pulled it away and shook his head, nervously scratching at the back of his neck.

“Look,” he let out a sigh, closing his eyes. “What I’m going to say is going to sound crazy.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Eddie replied as he sipped on the beer he had ordered. He was convinced that he would be supportive of whatever Buck was going to tell him.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “You can tell us.”

“Fine. But remembered that you asked for it.” He ran his hands down his face and downed the shot that he had been too stunned to drink, hoping that would help with his nerves. “I’m in love with you,” he said. “Both of you.” Both of your eyes widened and you turned to each other in shock.

Out of all all the things Buck could have said, you definitely weren’t expecting that. You kind of assumed he had feelings for Eddie, but you? You didn’t even think that you were his type. But now you guessed you were. You were surprised to say the least. You and Eddie had been together for months and nobody new, but now you were going to have to confess two things. One, that you were together, and two, that you didn’t feel the same way. At least, you didn’t. You didn’t feel like it was right to speak for Eddie.

“Buck,” Eddie replied in surprise. Unfortunately, Eddie hadn’t felt the same way either. Maybe he did once upon a time, but as soon as he met you everything changed. And now he felt bad for not reciprocating his feelings. That was his best friend and he didn’t want to hurt him. He had already been through so much and now Eddie was about to absolutely crush him.

“Can you give us a minute to discuss?” You asked. “Order yourself a drink on us,” you handed him your card so he could start a tab and he took it, unsure of what was happening.

“S-sure,” he stuttered as he stood from the table. He knew it was a mistake. He should have just kept his big mouth shut. And now both of you were going to reject him and he was going to feel like shit. Well, he always did, but this was going to make the feeling so much worse.

“Eddie, what the fuck do we do?” You whispered, leaning towards him as you watched Buck order a beer, already looking so dejected. “God, I feel so bad.”

“So you don’t feel that way about him either?” He was hoping that that at least you did so Buck wouldn’t be completely rejected, but clearly that wasn’t happening.

“No and I feel horrible. What do we do?”

“We need to tread lightly,” Eddie replied. “He’s already so fragile.”

You waved Buck back over and he sat at the table, already knowing what was going to happen. You grabbed Eddie’s hand and you both looked at him with such pity. It was almost as if you were a married couple telling their child that you were divorcing. He felt so pathetic, resisting the urge to not hear your answer and leave, but unfortunately, he had ridden with you, so he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

“Well, we talked it over,” you turned to Eddie then turned back to Buck.

“You don’t like me,” Buck finished, lowering his head, no longer wanting to look either of you in the eye.

“We’re so sorry, Buck,” Eddie replied.

“Don’t worry about it,” he waved it off. “I’m just gonna head out if that’s okay.”

“Do you need a ride home?”

“Nah,” he stood up from the table, reaching into the pocket of his jeans for his phone. “Have a good night, guys.”

You collapsed into your chair, feeling defeated. You knew it wasn’t your fault that Buck’s feelings weren’t reciprocated, but you couldn’t feel like it was. You had gotten in between them, ruining anything that could have happened between them and now nothing would. At least, not according to Eddie with the engagement ring he had hidden in the drawer of his bedside table.

It was all so unfair. And now Eddie felt like the best friendship he ever had was ruined because feelings got in the way. And he wasn’t going to blame Buck. Not at all. It wasn’t his fault he had feelings for the both of you, and it certainly wasn’t his fault that neither of you felt the same way. God, it was all just so fucked.

-

You entered the firehouse the next morning only to see Buck flirting with the newbies right in front of the engine. And they were flirting right back. Hazel was giggling at whatever Buck had said and Benjamin was fiddling with Buck’s collar. You weren’t sure why, but the whole thing made him feel sick. You avoided them as you headed to your locker, Buck watching you the whole time.

He hadn’t meant to do use them, but they were right there. And they were interested. He wasn’t trying to make you and Eddie jealous or anything like that. He was just…lonely. He wasn’t going to do anything with them, just a little harmless flirting to mend his heart and then he’d be good.

Eddie entered the locker room to see that you hadn’t even put your stuff away. You were standing there, staring at Buck and the probies. He could see the anger in your eyes and if he wasn’t mistaken, he would have said you were jealous. But why would you have been? You had discussed the whole situation at length the night before that you weren’t going to pursue Buck and now there you were, looking like you were seeing red.

“Hon,” Eddie stepped over to you, grabbing onto your arm. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” you shook your head. You didn’t know why it upset you so much, but it did. You knew that you said you didn’t like him like that, but…maybe now you did. Maybe all you needed was a little jealousy to make you realize it.

“Have you changed your mind?” He asked, titling your head up so you’d look him in his pretty, brown eyes. Truthfully, Eddie had to. He had thought it over the whole night and was beginning to think that he was making a mistake. Especially seeing Buck with other people.

“I think so. But Eddie, I think he hates us.”

“I don’t hate you,” Buck replied and you both turned to him, eyes wide. You supposed that you and Eddie had been so caught up in your conversation that you hadn’t noticed Buck had been standing there. “I’m more than happy to do this if you are. We can just pretend like last night never even happened.”

You and Eddie turned to each other before nodding enthusiastically. The thought of adding another person to your relationship seemed strange, but since you were all game, it actually seemed kind of exciting.

“We’re in,” you both replied in unison.

“Good,” Buck nodded, striding over to the both of you, his voice now hushed. “I’ll see the both of you in the bathroom in five minutes,” he winked then fled the locker room, leaving the both of you buzzing with nothing but nerves and excitement. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

[mvltisstuff]

hi!! omg so would you ever mind doing a one-shot where buck is like capital W Wasted and is flirting with reader (but reader has always had a crush on him) so when he complements them they’re all like “buck, you’re being mean.” and he’s all offended and confesses everything but the reader isn’t too sure how real it is?

you can 100% control the ending, your vision is so *chefs kiss*

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH !

i wish you were sober - e.b

summary: request

evan buckley x reader

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a/n: i’m so sorry this is like weeks late, but i hope it’s enjoyed regardless. 🫶

as if she were a high school freshman seeing the QB of varsity football that she never, ever had a chance with, y/n’s heart would dangerously speed up whenever buck walked into the room. let alone when he did anything. if he brushed past her, or if he placed a hand on her shoulder, it left y/n begging to not be left crumbling on the floor. she could tell buck knew, too, but both their egos stood in the way. y/n was just too embarrassed to let the words come out of his mouth, and buck figured he would ruin anything between them. so, he left it where it was. he didn’t touch her or try to turn a new light on.

he did, however, know how to drink, and he knew it all too well.

he’s not an alcoholic, but he knows how to have a good time with the right amount of shots and continuously ordering more drinks for everyone. everyone watched his intake get bigger and more, but they didn’t both to stop him. if buck wants to have a good time and let loose by drinking, they just have to let him or even join him.

usually, y/n has no problem ordering her cocktail and sitting at the bar with her coworkers. but recently, it’s all be off like a glitch in the system. nothing has been the same since she noticed the pounding in her chest and the screaming in her mind whenever buck walked into the room. seriously, it was becoming a problem. she needed to cool it down, and she was scared of what might happen if she let her courage be defined by liquor.

“can someone tell y/n to drink, please? i can’t stand to see her wallowing in the corner.” chimney asks, dipping his chip into the salsa before shoving it into his mouth.

“don’t act like you wouldn’t be prying the glass out of my hands. besides, i barely got the drinking memo, i just wanted to go home!”

“what’s got you all moody?” eddie teases.

“i’m not moody,” y/n grumbles, taking a sip of the drink she surely doesn’t want, but the tipsy buck had ordered it for her. eddie turns around, shaking his head and getting up to grab another beer from the counter. “where is buck, anyway?”

“he kinda ran off somewhere, we think he’s trying to get his friend who works here a discount because he knows him.” chimney tells y/n, nodding off to whichever direction buck might have went in.

y/n’s always happier when bucks around, whether she wants to admit it or not. he’s like a bug, clinging to you but in the best was possible, a way that makes you want him to never go away. the buzz in your ear is never obnoxious, and he somehow manages to make you feel so much lighter in the world.

but, tonight, y/n’s not sure if she wants him around. she doesn’t want to watch his relentless charm go over everyone in the bar, knowing that he’ll never want her the same way. it’s getting exhausting, watching girls hang off of him knowing that buck will never be y/n’s.

still, buck manages to find his firefly, his closest friend (he won’t admit that it’s more).

he swoops into her conversation and tries to bring his usual brightness back, but she just seems frustrated with him. the air between them feels tense and as if y/n fears him, or resents him. she can’t let herself go around him anymore.

“y/nnnn!” buck drags out, leaning on his hand which rests on the shiny bar.

“what, buck?” she turns her head, only the corner of her mouth lifting up to play along with his antics.

“come on, i think i deserve a whole smile, huh? we both know how pretty it is.”

“what?” she stumbles over her words, unable to figure out why he’s suddenly doing this.

“i love making you laugh, y/n, because i just get to see your cute face light up.”

“buck, what are you talking about-“ y/n laughs, but she’s silently letting her heart crack more at every word he says. she can’t handle him saying this and then leaving it to be false reality. he keeps going. he doesn’t stop. the compliments are consistent, and normally they’d be appreciated.

tonight is different.

tonight, y/n doesn’t feel like listening to buck make up fake things to say about her. she doesn’t feel like listening to things that he’ll forget about in the morning. things that mean the world to her, but nothing to him.

she finds herself sneakily lurking outside the bar, her coat on and the light wind biting at her nose. LA doesn’t normally get too cold, but the chilliness in the air is making her rub her hands together anxiously for warmth. she dials through her phone, searching for her uber app in any way to get home.

“you think you’re sneaky? why you leaving?” buck hiccups, his thick soles crunching the pebbles beneath his feet.

“i’m going home, buck. i’m not playing this game tonight.”

“what game? we can play games, we can play pool!”

“you barely have enough coordination to stand here, i doubt you can play pool.”

“alright, well, goodnight to you, too. what did they put in your drink?”

“have you ever thought that you’re the problem?”

“oh, way too often, pretty girl,”

“stop,” she whispers.

“why?”

“don’t say that. that’s just mean, buck.”

“what’s mean? the fact that i love you or the fact that we’re standing out here in the cold when we could be having fun inside?”

“buck, enough.”

“i’ll say it again, i love you! i don’t know who else has to hear it for you to listen to me!”

“stop saying that! you’re the one playing a fucking game with me. you’re saying all this to flatter me and then tomorrow, you’re gonna wake up as if nothing happened. you’re gonna remember the shots you took, not the words you threw at me.”

his drunken eyes start to fall, looking deadly as he stares y/n in the eye. “but what if i mean it?” he says, his voice having a tinge of sadness to it.

“i don’t believe you.”

“you should.”

“well, that doesn’t fix everything, buck. if you really love me, tell me when you’re sober.”

she turns on her heel with her freezing hands in her pockets, and the image of her genuinely angelic face fades out of sight. the only thing that buck is left with is the sounds of car tires crunch against the cold concrete and a decision to make.

[miriellesandthegiantpeach]

How Not to Compartmentalize by Evan Buckley

BuckTommy fic

Summary: Evan tries to hold back about a bad day at work. When Tommy doesn't allow that, it opens the flood gates and Evan confesses that he's been trying to hold himself back. Tommy matches that and confesses something as well.

**

There is a pattern starting to develop, Tommy is pretty sure. Evan and him are firefighters, so stress on the job is a given. They potentially put their lives on the line every time they step off that fire engine. Tommy has discovered that his and Evan’s way of processing that stress on the real tough days are vastly different, and who’s to say which way is better. It probably lands somewhere in the middle. Tommy will compartmentalize the hell out of a call that goes south, putting all his mistakes into a box to open up again when he feels like it. His therapist has told him more than once that remaining stoic isn’t the best way to process heavy emotions.

Then there’s Evan, who feels everything with such intensity. His emotions are constantly boiling over, and that goes for everything - no one has to guess what Evan is feeling at any given time. Something that Tommy loves so much about him, has even taught Tommy to let the tight grip he has loosen a little bit. Once they got more settled into their relationship and Evan shows Tommy just how enthusiastic he is about learning the wonders of sleeping with a man, things shift a bit. Evan used to get openly mad at himself when he’s with Tommy, going through each call and speculating what he could have done to be better. Tommy is always there to listen and talk through it - always there to help Evan carry the load.

More and more Tommy starts to notice that Evan isn’t quite his talkative self after the bad days. He'll still go on and on about some article he read that was interesting but when Tommy asks about work, he gets more and more vague. It’s morphed into Evan slumping next to Tommy on the couch and huffing out a quick, “bad day” and pulls Tommy in for a deep kiss. Tommy will usually lose track of the conversation once Evan starts humming into Tommy’s mouth and asking him to do things that Tommy has no choice but to oblige.

It’s today that Tommy can’t ignore it any longer. He’s on day two of his three days off and tidying around his kitchen after a quick dinner. He knows that it’s Evan’s third day working and he’ll be off late and probably going straight to bed to sleep for 12 hours. His phone dings with a text from Eddie saying, “Real bad one today, Buck’s okay. He got stuck for a bit on the last call and got cleared by Hen and Chim. Bobby released him early.” Tommy shoots him a quick thank you text right as he gets a text from Evan that just says, “off early, coming over.” His stomach ties into a knot, half worried about the state of his boyfriend and half worried that Evan will just gloss over what he just went through.

Twenty minutes later Evan is letting himself into Tommy’s house with his spare key, gracelessly dumping his duffle bag by the door. Tommy goes to greet him at the door ready to catch him however he needs.

“Eddie let me know you were in a bit of a situa-” Tommy is cut off mid sentence as Evan rushes him, grabbing both sides of his face and crushing their lips together in a brutal kiss. Tommy reads anger and fear in the kiss. Even in his silence, Evan’s emotions bleed out, staining everything in proximity.

Tommy disconnects their lips by pushing gently on Evan’s biceps, holding him close and searching his face. “We have plenty of time for that, not going anywhere. Why don’t we talk about what happened? I’m still in the dark over here.” Tommy is pleading with his eyes as he watches Evan’s eyes turn glassy and dead.

Evan grabs the front of Tommy’s t-shirt and pulls him backwards in the direction of Tommy’s room. “Yeah.. sure - we can talk, in here.” Evan responds but his tone isn’t matching the words - like his mouth is on autopilot and thinks that will assuage Tommy.

Tommy will humor Evan until they get into the bedroom, standing at the end of the bed where Evan’s hands slip under Tommy’s shirt and wastes no time exploring the expanse of his back. But once Evan’s mouth is on his neck busy leaving wet kisses and teasing licks, Tommy steels himself. He can’t let Evan go on this track of not dealing with something probably traumatic and keeping it to himself. He manages to wiggle out of Evan’s iron grip on his shoulder blades, taking a hold of both hands in a close to crushing grip and sits down firmly on the edge of the bed. Tommy’s looking up at Evan now who has a dazed and confused look on his face.

“Okay, we’re here,” Tommy starts keeping his tone even. “Now we talk.” Evan squeezes his hands and heaves a sigh, hanging his head. Tommy thinks he’s got Evan and is ready to bear the weight of what Evan’s gone through today. Evan lets go of his hands and closes in on Tommy to come down onto the bed to straddle his lap. Evan focuses on smoothing down Tommy’s shirt on his shoulders and blows out a long breath, blowing out all the air taking some of the tension out with it.

Tommy tries to wait him out, but the silence gets too thick and uncomfortable. “Baby?” Tommy whispers hoping to at least manipulate a semi doey eyed look out of Evan with the pet name. Evan’s gaze is locked onto Tommy’s mouth giving him zero reaction.

“I don’t want to be too much,” Evan barely says, more like he is just breathing the words out and not actually saying them. Evan’s eyes are forming a wet sheen and still a thousand miles away.

“What? What was that, Evan?” Tommy encourages him and squeezes his waist, rubbing his thumbs back and forth.

“I said I - uh, I,” Evan swallows and meets Tommy’s concerned eyes. “I’m too much. Too needy.” Evan’s voice just about cracks on the last syllable.

Tommy still has zero context for what Evan is clearly battling with at the moment. While he thinks about how to tackle this with his boyfriend he wraps his arms around Evan’s waist grabbing his wrist and holding tight. Now Evan is securely caged in his arms, Tommy won’t let go even if the world collapses around them.

“Can you tell me what you mean by ‘too needy?’” Tommy gently asks. For a moment all Evan can do is squeeze his eyes shut.

He lets out a shaky breath, “I’ve been told I’m always too much, I go too far, that I’m ‘so needy,’” Evan explains, his mouth trembling slightly. Tommy stays quiet, giving him room to speak. “And- and you. You’re always so calm, even on the worst days. I can never do that. I get so fucking jealous of you, Tommy.” Evan heaves a heavy sigh. He looks pleadingly into Tommy’s eyes, “I thought that if i try to ignore the bad days and distract myself with you, maybe I could get there. Not let the hard days get to me so much. I’m just so fucking scared that you’ll get over my complaining and- and I’m too far gone about you to even risk that.” Evan frowns deeply and exhales hard, “Which I realize saying all that is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I don’t want to burden you.”

“Do you think you’re burdening me now?” Tommy asks. Evan nods minutely.

Tommy has never felt such urgency to correct someone in his life. He cannot go one more second having Evan believe that he is a burden and that Tommy doesn’t want all the weight of the baggage he carries around given to him to carry, at least for a little while.

“Oh, honey.” Tommy starts and lets go of his wrist to bring his hand to cup Evan’s face and rub his cheekbone. “Let me first start with I’m so far gone on you too, you’ve pretty much ruined me for anyone else.” Evan’s eyes are laser focused on Tommy’s now, so Tommy is taking full advantage of the attention. Tommy can just read in Evan’s eyes that he’s screaming for more and he is going to give Evan all he’s got.

“And you are not too much, not to me, never to me. Okay? I crave you all the time. You’ve crawled under my skin and I itch for you everytime you’re not with me. I’m so fucking lovesick that at work I’m constantly getting razzed for checking my phone every five minutes to see if you texted me. I’m pretty sure I know your schedule better than my own at this point. I’ve memorized how long it takes you to get here from work or your place and get butterflies as soon as I hear your Jeep rumble up.” Evan’s lips have parted slightly and soaks in all this information.

Tommy feels a little embarrassed about divulging all this to Evan, because yeah, he prides himself on being calm, cool, and collected. But with Evan it’s different, he doesn’t have to be the “cool guy” he can just be Tommy who laughs easily at Evan’s lame jokes and smiles ear to ear whenever he says an interesting fact. He is telling himself now to be more vocal with Evan about both the good and bad days. If Evan can do that, he can relearn to do it too.

“And I’ve done a lot of work to help me deal with everything about myself - my sexuality, my job, my fear of standing out,” Tommy confesses. “I’ve actually gotten too good at compartmentalizing to an unhealthy point. You’re helping me be more open and be okay with feeling frustrated and disappointed about work. And I can’t wait to learn more from you,” Tommy smiles and Evan scoffs at that. “Hey, I mean that. Your passion and enthusiasm is so goddamn refreshing. Especially here in LA, in a very masculine viewed job.”

Evan deflates and presses his forehead to Tommy’s, and before he gets too distracted with Evan’s lips right there for the taking he needs to let Evan know, “You are not a burden. It would burden me more seeing you carry all this on your own. I’m here, use me. Lean on me, baby. That’s what this is all about. Good, bad, ugly, I want it all. I need your neediness. I want more than anything for you to pull me into the mud with you. Because that’s where I belong. With you. You’re not getting rid of me easily.” Tommy pulls back just enough to look into Evan’s eyes and nod in a question. Right now he needs Evan to believe him. Evan nods back and all but consumes Tommy’s mouth in a bruising kiss. The kiss is as rough as before but Tommy feels a difference there; need, desperation, want. Tommy swallows all of it gratefully.

There’s heat building in his belly and he can’t help the moans that start to leak out from the back of throat. Tommy has the man of his dreams in his lap moaning back with just as much want, he’s not about to waste that. With a practiced ease, Tommy swings Evan over so he’s laying on his back. He stares down at Evan with blown out pupils. He balances on his hand and places the other on Evan’s jaw, touching his swollen lips. “If it wasn’t clear I love you so fucking much. I honestly don’t know who I am anymore without you, Evan.” Tommy isn’t scared of saying that now, they’ve destroyed the last wall standing in between them.

Evan hums and smiles big and bright for the first time tonight and Tommy swears he feels sun on his skin. Evan reaches out to lace his fingers behind Tommy’s head, “Show me how much,baby. I- I need it. Need you,” Evan tries out that once dreaded word with newfound confidence. He pulls Tommy back down to his lips. “I love you too by the way. So much I don’t know what to do sometimes,” Evan says against Tommy’s lips.

Tommy promises to prove to Evan that he needs him just as badly; needs him like oxygen. He fucks Evan slow and deep, relishing all of the moans and words falling between them. And if one or both feel wetness in their eyes, they don’t mention it.

After two orgasms each, they get comfortable in Tommy’s bed to rehash the day. Tommy faithfully nodding along and letting Evan express everything. Tommy smiles to himself. The weight feels good.

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[lover-of-mine]

Okay, I keep posting around what I actually wanna say about Buck, Eddie, and the parallel love lives, and, well, their love lives have been written as parallel but misaligned, but I don't think they are that misaligned anymore. Or at least they are the closest they have ever been. Abby and Shannon both serve as the first love who left and never gave them real closure, Abby left, forced Buck to leave her, came back and didn't admit to anything, just continued to force Buck to deal with it on his own, and Shannon left, only came back because Eddie asked her to, and she died right after asking for a divorce, so she never gave Eddie time to process the idea of permanently letting go of her before he was forced to do it on his own, and they are the love they keep reliving, because they were forced to find that closure on their own and they can't. Eddie because he is actively chasing Shannon and Buck because he is trapped in the same structure as his relationship with Abby, meeting because of work, the other person starts it, they leave at some point, at most times it feels like Buck is more in it than the other person. Buck gets a whole apartment because of Ali, Taylor was never as intense as we knew she could be about Buck, Natalia ran away because of who he is, Tommy doesn't seem to be putting in as much effort as he could. Ana, Marisol, and Kim and Ali, Taylor, Natalia, and Tommy, they get scrambled in the parallels between themselves though. I think mostly because where Buck needs time, Eddie needs intensity. Buck will realize stuff if you give him enough time, Eddie will only realize shit if it slaps him in the face. And Eddie's breakups tend to be Eddie's fault, where Buck breakups are usually because the other person does something. So one to one parallels are hard to draw, but they are there. Ana and Ali both are relationships that started because people keep telling them it was time to move on. Natalia and Marisol show up in their lives because of a call that wasn't about them, and they go out because they actually want to ask them out. Tommy and Kim both give the impression of it being about someone else, Kim is a carbon copy of Shannon, Tommy is presented to us as very similar to Eddie and he also parallels other Buck li, and there's also the way Eddie doesn't really want to date Kim and Buck and Tommy have the conversation about taking things slow. Taylor exists in a different situation because Eddie doesn't really have a multiseason love interest, Ana has a lot less episodes, so it's hard to compare the introductions, but Taylor and Ana parallel each other with the being introduced in an episode their family gets hurt, the whole thing with the brownies and Bobby and Chris and the skateboard, and the hurting Buck and Eddie part comes from their jobs, Taylor wants to capitalize on Bobby's addiction and Ana was the teacher responsible for making sure Chris stays safe, I think even the way Taylor's camera man teases them and the way Carla teases Eddie about Ana, structure wise Taylor and Ana are introduced in a similar way, and then coming back into their lives in unrelated circumstances, Taylor happens to be covering a scene Buck is working on and Eddie runs into Ana again during an unrelated call and later asking them out because of peer pressure. Ali, Ana, Taylor, and Marisol also parallel each other with being someone they meet while working and then start dating after a period of time has passed unlike Natalia. Taylor, Ana, and Natalia all get treated by them and that's interesting when they are not actually paramedics. There are a bunch of parallels between Natalia and Ana when it comes to conversations Buck and Eddie have with them too.

Kim parallels Taylor with the way both of them create chaos in their personal lives, Kim ends up making Chris want to leave and causes the breakup with Marisol, Taylor continues to try to capitalize on Buck's family even in a situation where their lives were actually at stake (and Chim is family in a more traditional way, now obviously because he's Buck's brother in law but at the time because he's the father of Buck's niece, and it is interesting that Chim leaves and actively wants to be as far away as possible from Buck and Chris is trying to get as far away as possible from Eddie, and I know the Chim's situation is not about Buck, but the person getting hurt the most over Taylor/Kim actions actually leaves the state while wanting to stay away from Buck/Eddie after finding out they were keeping something from them, which is something).

So the storyline parallels between all the love interests are there, but the things that's been getting me the most right now are the lines you can draw between Tommy and Kim. Because the thing is, while Eddie is actively chasing Shannon, I believe that Buck has let the Abby ship sail, but they are both looking in familiarity for something they already have with each other. With familiarity I mean the way Tommy parallels all of Buck's love interests, including Eddie, and the way Kim literally looks familiar. But also the way neither would have a chance of working long term because of that familiarity. Eddie can never bring Kim into his life, so that relationship would forever be surface level, and so far no real depth has been added to Buck and Tommy even though the show had opportunities to do so. Both Tommy and Kim presented Buck and Eddie with something they wanted but weren't fully aware of until they slammed into them, with Buck is the general concept of attraction to men he couldn't understand on his own and with Eddie, he didn't fully confront the way he still wants something from Shannon, that being more time, closure, or just the general feeling of grief that sometimes gets so unbearable you just want it to stop for a little bit and Kim was enough to trick his brain so it would stop for a second, I don't know, but she was offering something. But either way Eddie is finally at a point where he might actually look around to try and find out what he wants, because he was forced to confront the ghost of Shannon and Chris is not there, so he's at a point where he has enough puzzle pieces to realize that what he wants is the life he already has with Buck, the same way Buck can trip into the realization he already built his idea of love with someone, he just didn't understand Eddie is also an option. I think both of them work as a way to expand Buck and Eddie's dating pool, Eddie beyond what's expected from him, a mother for Chris, and Buck beyond women. So I think this is the closest they've ever been to actually being able to stumble into each other.

[elvensorceress]

wip wednesday

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some more of this little thing 👀

When Buck opens his eyes, someone is sitting on the couch near his feet the way Chris does. Someone who shouldn’t be here. Buck sits up frantically and stares at the vision of Eddie, healthy and beautiful and here and unharmed. 

Buck is dreaming. That’s it. Has to be. Wow, he actually fell asleep? Enough to dream? 

“Hey, Buck,” this Eddie says softly, and it sounds so real. It’s gentle and loving and full of warmth like Eddie always is when they talk. 

Buck reaches for him. He sits up and needs to hug him, hold him, feel him alive and breathing on his own. But when Buck reaches him, he touches nothing. There’s nothing to touch. 

He’s dreaming. It’s a vision. Nothing solid. Buck sags and sits back on his side of the couch and stares instead. Maybe looking at whole, healthy beautiful Eddie will somehow manifest this into reality. “You’re not real. You’re not here. I’m dreaming, right? And talking to myself? Apparently.”

“Either that or I am,” Eddie says. 

Buck hadn’t considered that. Maybe Buck is the one who isn’t real. Maybe none of this is real and the whole of his existence is in his mind. Or in the mind of someone else? 

Who knows. It’s too convoluted and too much to think about. But he’s read about this happening before. Someone’s loved one in the hospital, near death, and how their family had dreams or visions of them visiting. Maybe relaying messages. Maybe offering a comforting presence. Maybe nothing but the imagination of a mind wrecked by tragedy. Doesn’t really matter either way. 

“Why are you here? Buck asks him even if he’s talking to himself. 

Eddie swallows and looks pained. And so real. So, so vividly real. Even if nothing is real anymore. “I wanted to be with you.”

Buck reaches for him again because he has to. Eddie offers his hand in return this time. 

Their fingers go through each other. Not touching. Nothing to feel. Nothing tangible. 

They can’t touch.

Why would they? Even in a dream, they don’t get to have anything of each other. 

“Please don’t die,” Buck says. 

Eddie gives him a pained smile. “I’m trying really hard not to.” 

Buck knows that. He knows Eddie would fight. Is fighting. He had to say it anyway. “Why did you— why? I mean I know it’s our job and that’s what we do. But what happened? Why— why was it like that? Why did it end up like that?” 

Did you do it on purpose? Did you sacrifice yourself to save Tommy? Did you do that?

Eddie looks away from him, exactly how real Eddie would. He shrugs. As if it’s nothing. As if it’s just an accident. As if there was no emotion behind anything. “I know you need him. I wasn’t going to let you lose him.”

Buck closes his eyes, bends his head, and just wants to cry again like he has been for more than two weeks. “Eddie,” he sobs and clutches himself around his chest, around his own body since he can’t touch Eddie. “I need you, too. I can’t— This isn’t okay. This is worse. This is so much worse. Not that I want it the other way. It would have killed me, too. But. I can’t do this. I can’t lose you. I need you, too.”

“I figured,” Eddie says quietly. So quiet and strained and absent and distant. Too distant. “If you had to choose. You already chose. You picked him. I couldn’t let you lose him.” 

At this point, Buck isn’t sure which is worse— if this is real and what Eddie really thinks or if this is his own mind telling him what he already feels guilty about.