#like when I tell you I have had NOOO energy to do anythingggg

[yung-goos]

Rambles 0.5

i've been meaning to write. idk about what. but theres a growing need to just write. to let everything out. this will become a word salad at some point. whatever.

emotions. -

yea idk. all over the fucking place. i'm sad, lonely, confused, irritated, tired, uncomfortable, bored, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, inspired... theres just no keeping up with it. my mind in a constant war between what to focus on and what not to. shut down completely some months ago.. idk how long its been. distanced myself from friends, family I live with. i've been getting better, albeit slowly, but I'm not too disappointed by that. haven't really explained how i'm feeling to my friends, but they didn't seem too discouraged by my distance. i'm sure they'd understand. what i'm mainly stressed out about is having to deal with the fallout of it all with my dad. he's been taking my distance personally, which i'm torn on if i can blame him or not. now that i feel a bit better, it kind of is now. like, he scoffed when i tried to explain that i'm going through a bit of a depressive episode and get distant when it happens. sometimes i really feel like he doesn't believe me when i talk about how i feel. along with his know-it-all, assumptious attitude about everything, i'm starting to believe thats what makes talking to him so hard. like i think what i'm most scared for is not so much the actual 'talk' but the outcome. i do not know if i can handle if he misunderstands, downplays, confuses me, deflects, or even just gets a bit aggressive, as he has shown to do before... idk... cant help but think this is all on me, for not explaining things to him sooner and giving him a chance to understand fully. like the more time goes on where i - or, even we, at this point - ignore this big elephant in the room, the more i feel like we'll never get the chance to hash it out. we were content on trying to communicate after the first time we argued, and now i'm just stunned and feel like i can't... such a simple problem that could be worked through if i wasn't made to be so spineless. coming to the terms that my social anxiety runs so much deeper than i originally thought is fucking me up. can't even go out with friends without distressing myself over some innocuous interaction. i'm so so tired... i miss being around someone, people, that effortlessly broke down my walls and made me feel complete. i just want to be understood.

love. -

fuck love. not really. im filled with adoration. ambition. commitment. lust. desire. but naw. fuck love. kinda. not really though. it's weird, it's like, all the weird people that i've dealt with over the course of moving and being here has left such a bad taste in my mouth. like even thinking about having to sift through a bunch of people to find the ones who won't make me feel like i'm not even worth it... it makes me itch. despite all that, i'm eager to meet new people. eager to accept people for who they are. eager to work through any issues in whichever capacity with others that i care for and love. i wish people would stay around long enough to bear those fruits of labour with me. slowly accepting the fact that not everyone will. i guess that shouldn't be the initial expectation when meeting people. it would do me wonders if i could fucking understand that, but god it is so hard when people misunderstand and jump to conclusions on your entire character based off of few interactions, or don't even bother to try at all. but shit... looking back, i can't say i'm entirely innocent of not doing either myself. gotta keep reminding myself that we're all flawed and going through this bullshit called life will bring the ugly out of all of us. but yea, despite all this, the love has been felt as of late. spending time around my brother and (surprisingly) my mom, as well as being around my good friend and her friends a bunch this summer has cheered me up noticably... slowlllyyyyy wanting to get back out there fr, but i'd really like to put some things into motion before i do, which brings me to....

life. -

ughhhhhhh. aaaAAAUUGHHHH. i just have this big ole back log of shit i've been putting off for so long. and its like, i know what i should be doing, how to do it, and more than capable of getting it done, but for so long just been paralyzed to do anything (unless absolutely necessary). i had a pretty good conversation with a friend of one of my good friends about this awhile ago. they called it decision paralysis, and i think that's an amazing way to explain what i'm feeling. it's like my brain does not know what to focus on at any given point and just freezes up in response. on top of that, the lack of energy and drive (esp. recently) makes trying to get things done even worse. what's funny though, is that this is the least of what i'm worried about. cuz i know the slightest pivot with a splash of consistency in routine would propel my life forward tenfold. like what i really want is within arms reach, i just want to get over some of these deeply seeded issues before really trying to go for it. need to, even. like if i could go outside without tearing myself apart over some spontaneous, maybe even awkward conversation, i think i'd be unstoppable. maybe. but anyways, despite how everything sounds life is... bearable. oddly pleasant, even. haven't gotten into all the new stuff i've bought, games i've played, things that have brought me joy over these months despite everything, but i think i'll get into that on other posts.

bleh.... i think thats everything. for now at least. now that its all out, i think its time i start carpe'ing some diem or something for once.