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talesfromacrip · 4 years

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Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

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l0st-h0p3 · 5 years

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Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I see it.

I’m on the tip of the ice berg.

Slowly it’s melting beneath my feet.

Soon I’ll be crumbling & crashing down.

Shes back. She’s here. I feel her. She’s near.

So last little update since I last wrote. I kinda decided I wanna treat this platform as my safe space. A place where I can vent and complain about my life because sometimes you just fucking gotta let that shit out man.

So I left off with the eating disorder shit so I wanna talk about that because I’ve been stressed the fuck out.

I guess there’s no simpler way to put it... I’m relapsing. It’s been day 3 of restricting and today has been the worst because it was the easiest and now I’m in deep waters.

Today I got a trigger drink. I really do hate that word but it’ll make sense in a second. So back when I was in beauty school I got really really bad I was like 89-90 lbs. All I ever did was drink a dangerous amount of coffee & espresso & eat the same food everyday because it fit in my calorie amount. In that time I was eating 500 calories a day. I guess it was really bad then because I was dating an alcoholic/drug addict and he was mentally, verbally & sexually abusive. After he raped me several times I lost all control of myself and literally diminished into nothingness.

Ok so my trigger drink. I got an iced Americano. If you don’t know what that is it’s 4 shots of espresso with water. I get it black. So because it’s so strong I take small sips throughout the day and I realize I’m not hungry at all.

During the week I normally work at 12 or 1 til close which is anywhere from 8-9. But we all know in the salon world you leave when the last client is finished. So I never eat in the mornings because I’m never hungry. So I come home at 9:30 , smoke a half of a blunt & eat some snackers from Olga’s.

It’s not 12:55 am and my stomach is growling yet I’m not allowing myself to eat. Part of me is like “no don’t fall backwards you made so much progress.”

But I don’t care. I hate my body. I don’t like how I look I feel and look ugly. I’m not comfortable in my own skin and I miss being petite, skinny and tiny.

So I’m an assistant at a salon & spa so I work under the head stylist. She had this client today that was clearly anorexic. Her arms were sooo thin you could snap them like a pencil.

Now some normal persons initial reaction would probably be something like “oh wow she’s so skinny, she needs to gain some weight.”

But what was my initial reaction? Pure jealously. Pure rage. That I couldn’t let myself get to her point because I was too weak.

So I don’t care really right now if it’s my eating disorder talking or if it’s me... maybe it’s both or maybe we are one by now. I mean it’s been 11 years already... what’s 11 more right?

I swear my ED is just a drug I can’t seem to get away from. I love & hate everything about it. It’s a journey filled with endless pain & eternal sadness. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself until you step away & look at the big picture and you’re like “fuck maybe this is a problem.”

And the worst part is I even went out of state for treatment and everyone around me thinks I’ve magically recovered because that’s what I want them to think.

Nobody knows I’m relapsing.

I think my disorder is kinda like an addiction. It makes me feel safe and like I have control. I’m terrible with or without it. No matter how hard I try I always end up back in the depths of the disorder.

And what’s sad is I really see me going down hill this time. I’m just not happy with my life right now. I have no close friends which is completely my fault because I lied to them about being with my ex again. I don’t really have that close of a relationship with my older sister because she’s going through some shit. And I don’t know like I love my work so much I love what I do but the depression makes me feel like I’m not going anywhere in my career and that I’m gonna stay stagnant. Some days it’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I just feel lost & lonely. And when I feel that way I turn to my friends Ana & Mia because I guess they are my best friends yet terrible enemies. I feel so good yet lost & confused without them.

I don’t feel like anything when I’m at a healthy weight. It’s like the negative attention I get when I’m sickly thin is a pro in my eyes? God that makes no sense.

I still have old pictures on my phone of my body from 2015 up until now. I’m literally triggering myself by looking at old photos of myself. The only thoughts that run through my mind are : “ you were sooo thin. Why did you let yourself go? This is the largest you have ever been? You’re fat. What are you doing to yourself you pig?”

So I’m done. I hate my body. Sure I looked sexy to guys but fuck it I don’t care. Fuck feeling pretty or sexy about myself. I don’t deserve to feel that way. I’m a piece of fucking shit who is terrified of the world and I’m just a lost soul.

I’m so hurt by my past that I can’t forgive myself. I can’t move on. I can’t escape. I’m trapped by my mistakes and traumatic events that occurred because of those mistakes.

Like in all honesty I really do think it was my fault I was raped and abused. Why? Because I knew what he was doing was wrong and I still fucking stayed. I ran back and forth from the toxic relationship for almost 2 years!

The first night me and nick ( 1st Ex boyfriend) hooked up was not like any hookup... it was forced.

So story time. I knew this guy nick through my old friend tyra. I always thought he was cute but I thought if he got in shape and cleaned up a little he would be really attractive yanno? So anyways fast forward to November 2016. Me & my friend tyra go to a college house rave party. We get there and in comes nick. Right when I saw him I was like “damn.” He went to navy school and lost so much weight and he looked really good. So the party starts and everyone’s super fucked up. I got drunk, smoked hella weed, and did some coke & molly. So 5 am rolls around and bodies are just hitting the floor man. I swear I was on an episode of skins or something. So by this point nick and I kinda flirted with each other but it was nothing serious. He was blackout drunk and on hella drugs. So we are kinda flirting and hanging out and we are trying to find somewhere to sleep. Every fucking spot in the house is taken and I decided that nick and I could sleep behind the dj booth on the fucking basement floor. So I sit out my blanket and pillow. I just wanted to cuddle. I was so fucking exhausted by this point and not feeling good because what can I say me and molly don’t get along. And As we are cuddling he keeps grabbing on me and trying to stick his hand down my pants. I keep laughing and telling him to screw off and go to bed. He keeps trying and trying. I keep laughing but nervously now and he keeps being persistent and sticking his hands in my pants. And what did I do? I fucking gave in.

Then we started having a relationship a couple months after that and we went downhill super fast. He never wanted to have a real relationship with me. He was awkward & didn’t really make any conversations with me. We just would get fucked up together and have sex. After awhile he became super manipulative and just mean. I was always searching for valadation from him.

He went to a navy school that was 4 1/2 hours away from where I live. He would visit a lot so I would see him often. Eventually when I started beauty school I would go and visit him. I remember my first weekend up there. I took some days off school and was so excited to finally visit him. The agreement with my parents is that I drove to my sisters college which was about 2 1/2 hours from nicks school so he would pick me up from there because my car was sketchy to take the whole trip. So he picks me up from my sisters apartment and everything seems good. We talk the whole way there and laugh. I get to his apartment and right off the bat he seems awkward around his roommates with me there because I was only 18 at the time and nick was 20 and his roommates were 21 & 22 I think. Mind you he begged me to visit him up at school and always held it against me when we fought that I never made an effort to see him. So the first night is ok we drink but I don’t think I got that drunk. We have sex once or twice as expected and yeah everything seemed ok.

Well the next day things took a weird turn. The whole morning he doesn’t even speak to me and instantly just hops on top of me and starts taking my clothes off. We go to the mall later that evening and he runs into some friends from school. He introduces me as his friend. I just kinda look at him with that “are you fucking serious face?”. I know he got the message instantly. His excuse was that he slipped and said friend. Yeah ok.

The rest of that trip was a blur. We never even left that fucking bed. All he wanted was sex. Like every fucking hour. And I didn’t even feel anything.

I guess the first time he raped me was when I visited the first time. I remember he wouldn’t let me wear clothes to bed. He always wanted me to wear nothing or the least amount of clothes possible. I remember I would wake up in the middle of the night still drunk & confused to find him on top of me trying to “stick it in”. I would kinda be like “wtf Are you doing?” And he would make up some excuse or just “fall back asleep.”

The others times I went up there it got worse. Some days we would barely say a thing to each other. I began drinking a lot because I guess I thought that if you can’t beat em join em. I got sick and tired of always having to take care of his drunk ass so why not get wasted with him?

The abuse got so bad. I remember one time I drove home and had to pull over on the highway because I was sobbing. I couldn’t even sit down or stand up too fast because my vagina had been torn so badly because he would just shove it in. I remember one time I told him to stop because he was hurting me... he told me to “just get used to it” and proceeded to thrust.

I felt trapped. Every time I tried to leave he lured me back in. Until finally I had enough. I stood up to his bullshit and told him what he was doing to me was terrible and no human in their right mind would do that to another human. I finally left.

I think those were my darkest days. My disorder really took ahold of my life and my own fucking boyfriend didn’t realize that I was 90 lbs. I was so sick.

But I still feel responsibility for those events that occurred. It’s MY fault. I could’ve left. I could’ve stood my ground right from the start. I could’ve stood up and grabbed my things that night we were lying beneath the dj booth.

I could’ve. I should’ve.

I didn’t.

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