#like. araragi's self sacrifice and ougi's self sacrifice. ARE THE SAME!!!! BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SAME!!!!!!!!

[sinkableruby]

do you even get how profoundly unsustainable ougi's situation was. do you even get how badly it must have been hurting her. how unhappy it must have been. do you even get how she was doing the exact same thing araragi was, and it was just as sad and just as lonely? do you even get that "becoming herself" was supposed to mean she wouldn't have to be araragi's opposite anymore? was supposed to mean she wouldn't have to be stagnant and in that dark lonely place while he got to move forward, because she was supposed to represent his past? ougi will smile through the most fucked up shit. ougi will grin and bear literal actual death. can you fault me for not thinking she's okay when she's still doing the same shit that almost got her to kill herself? when's the last time you watched tsukimonogatari episode 4. when's the last time you watched ougi dark. when's the last time you really thought about it. tell me. tell me.

[sinkableruby]

more ougi spoilers. thinking some things

thinkin like... how doomed ougi SHOULD have been by the narrative. like all the signs were pointing to it, to the point where ougi herself (someone who has some very real level of mysterious narrative awareness and also someone who loves stories, something which CAN'T be a coincidence in a series literally called Story Series) believes she's doomed and accepts it fully. she's completely committed to her role, and to her role of being the bad guy.

and it's sad because like... in her "final" moments, she's so committed to it that she doesn't even show outward fear. she stays completely calm even while the darkness destroys everything around her (and after she admits she's scared!!)-- to critique araragi's lack of composure (LN line). as what is shown time and again for ougi, her commitment to the narrative robs her of the ability to express herself and live her own life. it's self-sabotage. and it's sad because. the commitment to the point of that self-sabotage is absolutely inherited from + a reflection to araragi's tendency for self-sacrifice. but not just that, ougi was an oddity created by araragi for a specific purpose. and ougi's personality was framed around it too-- their desire to correct comes from his self-criticism instinct (AC line). and they were born with the desire to try and fulfill their given purpose in life. meaning circumstantially, there wasn't really a way to avoid ougi being self-sabotaging. Ougi is Ougi so ougi was always going to be like this. they were Made to Fit a Specific Narrative Perfectly because that's what koyomi wanted from them. he wanted someone who would judge him. and so ougi became someone who would, at the cost of being someone who would be able to truly advocate for themself which basically means that ougi was doomed to not have a chance at self-expression from the start. but at the same time they are obviously like a person. in tsukimonogatari we see this most clearly: araragi asks her what she's doing out here alone in the cold. he offers to take her home. she says she doesn't have one, and then immediately backtracks and pretends she didn't say that. she says she's been waiting there since morning (it's nighttime). she's reading kafka's metamorphosis on her phone. she talks about why she thinks she's here, what her motive is. but she doesn't use 100% clear terms. she's grappling with her existence here, as we all do, and she's dealing with like how things kind of Suck for her, and how that kind of Sucks, as we all do. we get more hints of this periodically, like when she mentions she's tired in hitagi rendevous (but keeps on going anyway). this is what i mean when i say ougi needs nice things: they want nice things!!!! they want and like the nice things like any other person would!!!!!!!!! they are, in fact, their own person, independent from anyone else, with their own experiences (certainly araragi did not sit there in the cold for at least 10 hours reading books on his phone) who wants their own home and thinks about their own identity and place in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but their head is just too stuck in the ground to actually get those things for themself!!! and the ground is work and narrative and purpose!!!!!!!

recently i've been thinking of it like this: ougi the oddity, the role, the bad guy, and ougi the, like, person. who is obviously a person ougi as a person likes stories, likes all that stuff, so it's not like they don't get enjoyment out of what they do. but because they tie their value as an existing being to that work (see Zoku Owari)-- to Oshino Ougi, the pseudo-darkness, the Oddity-- the narrative-helping-along, the role fulfillment, they don't actually have much of a life of their own (even though all signs suggest they would probably want one). the commitment to the work is so full that any chance of autonomy or self expression is gone. hey. where. have i heard this one. before.

in a line in one of the audio commentaries ougi says she's married to her work and its like. yes. she really is. and it's not a good thing (she should be at the club)

thankfully araragi remembers to not be a dumbass and saves her. and she becomes oshino ougi. which in a better series would mean we get ougi stories and see them explore their identity and stuff but nisioisins a hack so they get stuck in the school forever instead whoops. catch me on ao3 where i write an actual ending for them and destroy capitalism with facts and logic and feelings