#like. i have an okay face but i also have pretty bad scoliosis that makes me look

[jiracheer]

Hello! First off, thank you so much for reblogging my Isekai'd reader post, I'm glad you liked it! I saw in your carrd that you're open to doing Matchups, so if that's true, I hope it's okay to ask for one for Pokemon Sword and Shield. Here's my info, sorry if there's too much:

I’m 20 years old and Bisexual. I also have Autism, ADHD and some health issues like weak bones and scoliosis. I’d probably prefer to be shipped with either a Gym Leader or Champion from Galar, and definitely someone who’s an adult lol. I’m really short, only 5’ (152 cm) at most, with long, wavy and fluffy brown hair. My two favorite hairstyles to do are either the Legolas-style half-ponytail (I don’t know how to describe it…) or two braids hanging over my shoulders. I either look kinda disheveled or I’m really dressed up, there’s seemingly no in-between. I also wear glasses and am very slender. 

I’d probably be really good friends with Allister because I’d definitely be studying Ghost Pokemon, and also I can be very gentle with people. Helping others makes me feel better so I always make a point of being friendly and helpful with everyone I meet. I’d 100% be some kind of researcher in Galar. I'd probably meet them by accompanying Allister to an event with all the other Gym Leaders because he's shy. 

I’m actually a pretty fun person with a witty and sometimes dirty sense of humor, though I’m also very sweet and polite. I enjoy drawing and baking, and I will not stop writing for the life of me. I write whenever possible, and I write very fast too. I once finished an entire nonfiction book in a week. I get flustered easily but I don't have a hard time connecting with people, I'm really not afraid to go up and ask for things. Whenever I do get flustered I giggle a lot (I've been told I have a very cute laugh) and tend to cover my face with my hands. I also have a weird habit of calling people endearing names like "honey" and "sweetie" at random. I give really good advice too.

I'm very soft but have been called argumentative before, but I generally give passes easier than some. I HATE making people feel bad. But if you insult someone I care about there is no mercy tbh. So yeah, sweet but fierce when provoked. I'm very protective over my loved ones. I'm always a little overprepared for everything and have a hard time accepting compliments. 

Thank you so much!! I hope you have a wonderful week, take care of yourself! Stay hydrated!

authors note ; hi tori!! <3 I literally was pissing my pants at it 😭 it was SOOO FUCKIN FUNNYJSINGH If y'all haven't seen Tori's post, PLEASEEE check it out here! sincerely the funniest thing I've read in a hot second

never worry about it being too much! the amount of info you gave me helped me a lot with writing this for ya!!

tags ; match up / gender-neutral / set during SWSH events / slightly suggestive, but only one part lmao

wc ; 991

I match you with... Kabu!

🔥 I feel like Kabu is really just drawn to you! Not only do you care extremely for the people around you, but you don’t let people walk all over you! It’s something that attracted him to you and made him want to get to know you more.

🔥 But when you two first met, it was at some dinner party celebrating the newest Champion’s rise to the throne. Everyone, and Leon ofc, were there alongside the new Champion. So when he saw you were, he was rather confused as it was an event for them, but then he caught sight of Allister clinging to your leg.

🔥 He honestly thought you were his parent, rather than his emotional support. So he def made a fool of himself when he introduced himself to you and told you that he never thought he’d meet the shy boy's parent.

🔥 You laughed so hard at the poor man, you missed how red his face got and how smoke almost came out of his ears. Allister found the situation just as funny, even if he didn’t express it.

🔥 Allister liked Kabu. He was like an uncle to him, as he was very kind to him and helped him with whatever he needed- even if he was a bit rough around the edges, and bold with his approach when it comes to certain topics.

🔥 So it was really no surprise that the more the two of you saw each other at events, and even outside of these events, the two of you pursued a relationship.

🔥 Kabu was the one who confessed to you. The two of you were walking through Motostoke, making your way to some sushi place the gym leaders recommended to try out before Kabu would face a challenger.

🔥 He randomly stopped you and told you that he liked you, a lot, more than friends should. He would then express that he found you alluring and that you kept him on his toes. He was much older than you, obviously, and his life was becoming dull, but you... You brought such warmth and brightness to his life.

🔥 From your witty jokes to how shy you’d get when he’d tease you back. When he’d try to flirt with you and you’d cover your face with your hands, giggling to express just how happy it made you to hear his kind words- Argh. You have him completely wrapped around your finger.

🔥 You did have your concerns initially when he confessed. You shared with him your health issues, and it was important that he knew these things, even if you did speak of them in the past with him... You wanted him to be aware.

🔥 It’s there that Kabu told you that he loves you entirely for who you are, health issues or not, you are who he wants to be with and he’ll hold your hand through your worst days and through your good ones too.

🔥 So you agree to go out with him, much to his relief.

🔥 Allister is happy to hear about it. Very happy to hear about it. As are the other gym leaders and Nessa has become rather good friends with you, Milo has as well, so they were happy to see their father figure be with you.

🔥 Obviously with both of you having significantly different jobs, he always finds some way to connect with you. You need to borrow one of his Pokemon to figure out a theory? They’re yours for however long you need them. You need someone to go out with you in the Wild Area? What time? He’ll pick you up with breakfast./lunch

🔥 Once you moved in with Kabu when your relationship progressed, his favorite thing to do with you is doing your hair in the morning. He always took note of how you styled it, and one morning he asked to do your hair.

🔥 You agreed, as you wanted to see what he would do, and you were surprised to see he managed to do your usual hairstyles- probably even better than you.

🔥 It warmed your heart to know that he noticed these small details about you. So now every morning before you two go to work, he does your hair for you and kisses the crown of your head before your lips to wish you a good day.

🔥 On your days off, you two often go out to do domestic things like shopping for groceries, doing laundry, and cleaning the house up. Sometimes Allister joins in on your hangouts, and it’s become a thing now.

🔥 In a way, Allister has become your son, and it makes you happy to see Kabu feels the same way.

🔥 Kabu feels like you’d be a good parent. The bag you carry with you always has something he or Allister, even those around you, need. Like band-aids, snacks, tissues, pain medication, etc. Someone could name something and you’d more than likely have it. He likes how prepared you are. It makes him less worried about your well-being when he’s not around, because he knows you can take care of yourself.

🔥 The first time Kabu got a taste of your rage, it was when someone couldn’t understand Allister when he decided to be brave one day and order his own food, but obviously his anxiety got the best of him. The vendor snapped at Allister and you didn’t hesitate to drag the vendor through the dirt, and although you said some unsavory things, Kabu felt himself blush.

🔥 It was just attractive. Very very attractive. He showed you how much he loved that side of you later that evening.

🔥 Overall, Kabu feels like he lucked out with you. You’re the person of his dreams and he can’t wait to see what else the future has in store for you two.

[ververa]

Safe in Her Arms

Wilhemina Venable x Reader

Words: 1,500

Wilhemina loved you more than you knew. Yet at times she wanted to slap you in your beautiful face. It wasn't because she was mad. She couldn't be mad at you even if she tried. It usually happened when you did something incredibly stupid, irresponsible or dangerous. Mina hated to admit it, but she was just really worried about you. Worried and scared that she might lose you. If she could she would most likely wrap her hands around your waist and keep you close to herself, hidden from the whole world all the time.

But you, of course, were way too curious about the world and everything around you to sit still and let her protect you. She both loved and hated that about you. She couldn't deny that it was what made her fall for you. You were so stubborn and didn't give up on her even though she was pretty awful to you at first. She had tried to push you away, as she usually did with people, but you kept trying and eventually got to her. You were precious. And she was doing her best to show you how much she appreciated you. 

Wilhemina loved everything about you, but she still couldn't understand why would you opt for extreme sports. Parachute jumping, bungee jumping, diving, climbing, car and motorcycle races - all that was what you were doing in your free time. For Mina it was ridiculous. How someone right-minded could do all of those things so willingly? Who sound in mind wouldn’t be afraid of getting hurt of even dying doing all those things? Was she dramatic? It was hard to say. But she didn't have time to think about it. 

She was on her way to the hospital. It wasn't the first time you ended up being hurt because of your dangerous interests, but regardless of it Mina was worried as much as always. She hated all those negative thoughts that were clouding inside her head, but she couldn't help it. The nurse, who called her, only told her that you got injured and were transported to the hospital. The uncertainty of whatever your state was really bad or no, was killing her. She also hated hospitals as they brought back negative memories of the time when she herself had to spend there a lot of time, because of her scoliosis. Yet you and your well-being were more important than that. 

Wilhemina got to the hospital as soon as she could. She immediately found your doctor and got all the necessary information. She sighed with relief when he told her that your state was stable and you only had some minor injuries. He allowed her to go and see you, but before she managed to get to the right hospital room she came across a group of your friends.

They were sitting at the hall, next to the door of the room in which you were, but  as soon as they spotted Wilhemina they immediately stood up. They were all scared of your girlfriend after she had yelled at them once for not keeping you safe. They were terrified of what was going to happen this time.  

"Wilhemina..." one of them, the one who considered himself brave enough to face her, spoke up

"I don't remember me letting you to use my name" she said dryly stopping right next to him

"I..." he hesitated, in a split second his confidence and bravery were gone

"Will anyone tell me what have happened exactly?" she turned, so that she could face him properly

Your friends explained how you were riding on jet skis and how you noticed a little dog drowning. You loved animals, so obviously, without thinking, you moved to help him. You managed to get him out of the water, but as you were getting on your jet ski you lost your balance and fell down hitting your head on the steering wheel and then falling into water.

Wilhemina rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe all that was happening for real. After her mind processed all the information she actually got mad. Why were you so irresponsible? Why couldn't you find a different hobby? Couldn't you just stay at home and read or play video games instead? 

She composed herself, or at rather thought so, before entering the hospital room. There you were - asleep with your head bandaged and a few scratches on your cheek. Wilhemina approached the bed and sat down on the chair right next to you. She carefully took your hand and kissed it. That's when you opened your eyes. Your head was pounding and you were so dizzy that for a while you were seeing double. You didn’t really feel any pain, because of the strong painkillers they had given you. You felt funny, kind of as if you were drunk. It was hard for you to comprehend what was going on exactly and for some reason you wanted to laugh. Yet seeing Mina’s face your good mood disappeared.

"Hi..." you said softly

You could feel that she was angry. You couldn't blame her, she had the very right to be mad at you.

Wilhemina said nothing. She only kept holding your palm with her one hand and squeezing her cane with the other.

"Are you mad?" you asked, but still there was no response "Oh Lord, here we go again. I hate when you do that. I hate when you're giving me the silent treatment... It was an accident. I haven't planned it, neither have I expected it to happen..."

"You might have drowned!" Wilhemina shouted cutting you off at the same time

She couldn't help it and hold it back anymore. She was too worried and scared to remain calm.

"Yes! I'm fucking mad Y/N, because things like that keep happening!" she stood up "I know it's fun for you, but it's no fun for me. It's not funny at all when I get a call from a hospital and hear some doctor telling me you had an accident and I need to come, and I can't get any further information about your state on the phone. The time I spend on getting to this fucking hospital and that uncertainty... whether it's just something minor or not. Like maybe you only have your leg broken, but what if you're bleeding out...  This is the worst feeling in the world! I know you love what you're doing, but for God's sake..." she hit her cane on the floor "have some mercy on me Y/N!"

Only seeing your face did Wilhemina realize that she had raised her voice more than it was necessary. You seemed so scared and confused that she immediately felt bad for snapping like that.

You needed a moment to process everything she said. You had never really thought about all that. You had never considered how she might have felt every time you ended up in hospitals.

"I'm sorry" you said and felt the tears springing into your eyes; you didn’t mean to make her feel like that

"No, I am sorry” she began panicking as she saw the tears in your eyes “I didn't mean to yell" she sat down next to you again "I'm just worried about you" 

"I know” you sobbed “I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t realize it’s affecting you this much”

“Shh. Don’t cry” she carefully embraced you “Just promise you’ll be more careful” she kissed your temple

“I promise” you said wiping the tears “I’m sorry”

“It’s okay. You apologized once and that’s enough”

“I feel like it’s not. I promise I’ll make it up to you”

Wilhemina shook her head.

“You don’t need to make up for anything darling. I just get nervous and worried, because I fail to understand how you’re not afraid of doing all those things? You seem so fearless, but also stupid at times” 

“I am fearless…” you hugged her tighter “As long as I’m in your arms” you added

“Such a charmer… Ughh I can’t even be mad at you for too long” she complained 

“Well, I’ll make sure you don’t get mad at me at all anymore”

“We’ll see about that. For now you should get some sleep. You need to get better, because I’m not planning on spending a whole week in this hospital with you”

You laughed.

“Of course ma’am” you kissed her cheek “But will you stay with me tonight?” you looked at her pleadingly 

Wilhemina rolled her eyes once more. You had her wrapped around your little finger.

“I will, but you’ll be the little spoon”

“Aye aye” you laughed

You knew very well that secretly she enjoyed being the little spoon – and you often teased her about it. But you weren’t going to complain this time. It felt way too good. You felt safe in her arms and nothing could compare to that amazing feeling. You loved it more than anything, even more than the rush of adrenaline.

[sunflowersseemhappy]

Hi! I’ve never sent an ask before, so I’m kind of nervous, but could you write about the main 6 (excluding Lucio, if that’s okay) with an MC who has scoliosis? I have the condition myself, and it sucks being in pain all the time, and I guess I would like to see that represented in an MC. You totally don’t have to do this if you feel like you don’t have the time/knowledge to do so. Regardless, I absolutely love your writing and you deserve way more asks than you receive.

Aw, bless you! No need to be nervous m’dear, it’s perfectly alright for you to request as many times as you like (no need to be shy here)! I hope I do you and others who live with scoliosis justice, but please forgive me if I make an oopsie (I’m always open to constructive criticism so if there is anything that needs tweaking feel free to let me know).

I wish you all the best now and in the future, I can’t imagine how hard it is living in pain all the time but I like to say the strongest people are the ones who live with pain everyday. Thank you for trusting me with such a personal request and for your kind words! All the love in the world 💕💕

For those of you reading this who are unaware of scoliosis: Scoliosis is a sideways curvature of the spine found in many age groups from young children and into adulthood. While scoliosis can be caused by conditions such as cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy, the cause of most scoliosis is unknown. Scoliosis can be mild or become more severe as time goes on and may cause severe back pain in some individuals.

Treated at a young age using braces scoliosis may or may not worsen as the individual ages (often during growth spurts curvatures may worsen), if needed an individual may undergo surgery to correct the spine but it is not always guaranteed to alleviate pain. (In The Arcana medical advancements probably are not good enough for such a surgery or even knowledge to be had on how to correct a spine in this scenario).

More information can be found here and here.

Those of you waiting on requests, I will get to them but I am really busy! Up next: Main 6 react to MC being insecure because of being scrawny

Asra

Asra is careful not to treat you like a porcelain doll, despite your scoliosis Asra wants you to feel independent of him. He knows you’re a strong person and that often times you’ll want to be your own person, and he doesn’t want you to feel controlled, but if you ask for his help Asra will see you get whatever help you need.

That’s not to say he’ll ignore you when he notices you seem a bit down or in pain, because then he’s doing all he can to make you feel better. Asra wishes he could do better for you but in the end it’s a problem beyond the limits of his magic.

Asra’s tried countless times to cure you of scoliosis, but healing spells have limits and your condition is one of them. He’d have to make another deal if he wanted to cure you, but the risks are much greater.

But over the years Asra has perfected some charms and the like that have worked to alleviate most of your pain, other than the curve in your spine you almost feel normal a lot of the time.

It seems the two of you are always taking a trip to the market each day, you quickly realise this is Asra’s way of getting you out and active but its nice to walk with him and treat yourselves to some pumpkin bread despite his ‘forgetfulness’.

With your ongoing study of magic Asra has found that exercises to improve control over your casting also help in mentally and physically soothing both mind and body, he’s always saying “you can never do too many breathing exercises!”

Living in Vesuvia there is (unfortunately) no end to the people who jeer at the way you look or whisper behind your back, and that’s where Asra’s “giving you the space you need” mantra ends. He can see the hurt in your eyes and feel the shift in your aura.

He is ready to hex the next person who say’s something, usually at their own peril (you remember one man who had to beg forgiveness before Asra removed the donkey’s ears).

Afterwards Asra will take you home and just cuddle up next to you in a bad mood so its up to you to cheer him up and once you do that soft smile will be the only thing that matters.

The days your pain is so bad that not even Asra’s charms do the trick, he’ll spend with you. Magic emanating from his palms as he runs them over your spine to ease the pain, once he usually runs dry of magic Asra is too tired to do much else than snuggle with you.

Curling his arms around your body and pressing up close to you to let you know that he’s there and he won’t be going anywhere.

He feels so hopeless sometimes, but he’s there for you and that’s all that matters.

Nadia

Nadia has the highest respect for you and letting you go about life in the most normal fashion possible, but she’s the Countess of Vesuvia. She is certainly not going to let you preform tasks unaided that could cause you any kind of problem or pain.

The harsh reality for Nadia is that she can’t always be with you and although she’s not nearly as clingy as Julian, Nadia always has this constant worry in the back of her mind (so please accept her offer of having a handmaid to help out where necessary).

Does some ‘light reading’ about scoliosis and the best ways to alleviate pain, etc...

She becomes very well read on the topic and encourages you to follow some of their advice, needless to say each of the ten books has about 50 pages bookmarked for reference.

Nadia tries to involve you in lots of her core workouts to strengthen your muscles (mainly yoga and light horse riding), they can be tiring but once you get into it you do feel a bit better supporting yourself.

She had some of the finest doctors come to the palace to help you, but she quickly realised they were just interested in studying you rather than treating you so Nadia very quickly showed them the door and enlisted the help of the doctor she trusts the most; Julian.

The baths are a nice place for the both of you to relax and although the water can never make the pain go away it does ease off for a short time, enough for the two of you to enjoy each others company.

The days that the pain is so bad that you can’t get out of bed or even lift your head Nadia gets a sick feeling in her stomach and refuses to leave your side.

She will cancel any plans in a heartbeat and just stay by you stroking your forehead with her softest smile, to keep both of your minds off the pain Nadia will tell you about all the embarrassing things she’s seen nobles do at parties and how her sisters used to steal cookies from the kitchen and bring them to share with her and the others.

If you can get to sleep Nadia will lie in bed next to you and just watch your peaceful face, how she wishes you could look this way all the time so at peace and free from the pain of reality.

She’ll kiss each of your cheeks and then rest her forehead against yours, falling into her own dreams of giving you whatever you need to be happy.

She doesn’t know it but all you really need is her.

Julian

Julian worries after you a lot, he’s like an overbearing helicopter parent with an anxious disorder. Which granted, can be very annoying, but you have to know it’s because he loves you a lot and would feel like a failure if something were to happen.

Of course there are moments you have to jokingly tell him to stand down and chill out a bit, but don’t dismiss his need to help (sending him off to do an errand you had been planning to do is your best bet to making him feel useful, that or a few loving words and a kiss on the cheek).

With his skills as a doctor Julian can be both an enormous help and a pain in the a** due to his connection with you.

Its such a strange thing he’s so confident with treating people who are strangers but the minute one of his loved ones is hurting he’s second guessing himself especially with you.

He learned a lot but scoliosis was not a subject he knew well so as soon as he learned of your condition Julian was writing to Nazali for some info and reading books and papers well into the night.

He became a expert overnight, and the panda eyes showed. He then proceed to tailor a schedule for you, which was when you had to slow him down for both of your sanity’s.

Still Julian often likes to invite you to go swimming near the port and is still hopelessly tragic when it comes to worrying after you, but showing him you’re just fine will put his mind to rest.

Over time Julian realises that you probably don’t need him nearly as much as he thinks you might and he is being too clingy with you, so he may hover but becomes more relaxed about you doing your own thing.

When you go through a rough patch mentally and emotionally Julian is so good at reassuring you (even though he’s terrible at doing it for himself), he’ll ask if he can do anything to help and will do what he must to make sure you’re feeling even a little better.

On a bad day where pain is keeping you in bed Julian is laying next to you like a loyal puppy, resting his head on your chest or shoulder and giving you gentle kisses as he holds your hand in his.

Julian will have a few medicinal remedies, but they’re not nearly strong enough to rid you of all the pain. So to take your mind off it he’ll tell you stories and he’ll treat you to your favourite snacks and maybe a drink or two at the Raven when you’re up for it.

Up until those moments Julian won’t be too sure if you really need him that much, be sure to tell him that you’ll always need him.

Muriel

Muriel is pretty mellow around the whole scoliosis thing, he lets you get on with your own thing (mostly because that’s how he is) but he knows when you need his help. The words never even have to leave your mouth because when you need him he’s just there no questions asked.

It may not usually seem like it but Muriel is constantly observing you and when he sees a particular expression that gives him reason to believe you need him he’ll be there. He doesn’t want to coddling you because he likes his independence and he just thinks that you might like having your own as much as he does.

Muriel’s not always entirely sure on how or what he can do to help you, truth be told he doesn’t feel capable of caring for you. He doesn’t know too much about scoliosis (or doesn’t have any idea at all).

He thinks if he tries to help you he may just make matters worse, he’s so big and strong that he fears that even if he puts a finger on your skin you’ll crumble.

Fortunately there is no shortage of pain relieving plants in the forest around Muriel’s hut, when he’s not hanging around with his chickens Muriel is picking these herbs and mashing them up (either to eat or to slather over your back, he feels too awkward to tell sometimes).

Of course you may encounter a problem with those crushed herbs, specifically in applying them. Muriel’s cheeks turned the brightest red when you came over to him topless asking him to put it on your back for you. His fingers shook slightly (mostly in embarrassment) but he was glad you asked him.

The two of you definitely gain some looks when you go into Vesuvia, with Muriel being so big and you having that curve in your spine there is no end to the whispers about you two.

It’s actually a relief not being the only odd one in a pair, and seeing Muriel ignore people and not care about what they have to say helps you do the same (even though you don’t see the death stares he gives people when they’re saying stuff about you).

The walks the two of you take through the forest are some of the most relaxing and best way’s for you to work on building muscle up and working on your core strength, Muriel often makes it interesting by taking you to some very unique places so its usually worth the walk.

Muriel dreads the bad days you have, when the pain is unbearable your you. Even his usual stoic neutral expression crumbles in worry, and he’s as miserable as you feel hastily dashing out to get extra herbs and quickly feeding the chickens all the feed so he doesn’t need to worry about them later.

Muriel is putting slaves on your back every hour and putting heated water in a water-skin to keep your muscles from causing you more pain, he spends so much time going about the hut he doesn’t sit or eat for hours.

You have to make a grab for his hand and pull him into bed to sit with you and once he relaxes slightly Muriel is scooping you up with the greatest care and cradles you in his lap heaving a sigh and resting his head on top of yours.

He may think he could break you if he’s not careful, but he is probably the gentlest man in the world to you.

Portia

Portia is so... normal about the whole thing. She rarely treats you any different other than the occasional determined dashing around she does when you’re not feeling so hot, insisting that you need to kick back and relax while she handles your chores, errands and other things she can handle for you.

She’s cheery and bright as always, but always takes the time to talk to you if you’re feeling down or help ease your pain if you’re not having a good day. She’s a secret worrier though, and may need to talk through her own thoughts and feelings with you when it gets too much.

Portia would be very interested in learning about scoliosis however before referring to books she’s quite interested in learning what it is like for you personally (what’s difficult for you to do, what she can do to make it easier around the cottage, where is your pain the worst or what to do when you’re having a tough time?).

She gives 110% towards making you feel like a normal human being and helping you enjoy the things you love even if they are hindered by your condition, she’s like a bright ball of light guiding your way despite the hardships life throws at you.

The way she asks Julian for some pain relief or what plants she should grow to make some is like a shady business deal (for some reason or another), you’re pretty sure its because she thinks its illegal for Julian to just give her medicine (even though its not).

So yeah, Portia is pretty casual and even forgets you have scoliosis but best be prepared to watch her throw hands with anyone who’s mean or rude about how you may look strange.

It’s happened and at this point its just some nice entertainment watching your girlfriend beat every single persons a** to defend your honour, though that girl fights dirty...

Among other things gardening is one of Portia’s favourite activities and she soon roped you into helping her to keep you active, of course being in the palace grounds she’s always leading you into the maze determined to find the middle this time!

She’s the best out of all when if comes to making you feel better, doing tons of funny stuff (like showing you Pepi’s latest dance moves, or seeing how many of her knitting needles she can keep in her hair). She believes laughter is one of the best medicines, but often she makes you laugh so hard it hurts.

On bad days Portia will pull you close and snuggle in close to your neck and give you little smooches everywhere over your face, she’ll sing some little songs and get you to sleep because that’s the best way to pass the time when you’re in pain.

Despite all the hardships in life Portia does her best to make the world better for you whatever way she can.

[notmoreflippingelves]

The Case for Kristoph Gavin as a Shakespearean Tragic Hero/ Anti-villain (Pt 1: Iago, Richard III & Edmund)

So, as I former English major, I’ve been trying to put my finger on why exactly Ace Attorney’s Kristoph Gavin makes such a compelling character. And when I made an allusion to Othello in a Kriswright fic I’m writing, I suddenly came irrevocably to a stunning realization. 

Kristoph Gavin is a fantastic villain, because he was written in the mold of a great Shakespearean antagonist--complex, conflicted, and dripping in delicious ambiguity. Not only that but there are some pretty AMAZING parallels between character motivations and arcs of some of the most memorable Shakespearean villains/tragic heroes and Kristoph. 

(I’ve  decided to break the analysis into two parts, cause this part alone is WAY too long (So long I didn’t even get to all of my feelings about Kris as Brutus from Julius Caesar yet..)This part is for Iago, Richard III & Edmund the Bastard,  the three characters who are constantly vying with each other for the title of “most EVUL character in  all of Shakespeare.” Whereas in Part 2, I plan to focus on the more sympathetic antagonists ( including BRUTUS! I Can’t wait! It’s my favorite set of parallels. ) 

But enough intro, let’s jump into some analysis. (YAY!!!) I’m putting this under the cut, because  as I said it’s LONG.

Kristoph as Iago-- Okay, let’s tackle the giant elephant in the room first, shall we? The parallels are so glaring . (This parallel is kind of boring compared to the other two cause it’s so obvious. But it’s important to cover anyway.)

So we have Kristoph and we have Othello’s Iago. Two-faced “Big Bad friends” driven by envy to ruin another’s life.  One slightly surprising l thing that I’d  forgotten at first is that one of Iago’s proposed motivations is--like Kristoph’s-- thwarted professional ambition. Like Kristoph with the Gramarye case, Iago loses out on a job opportunity and decides to ruin the lives of those who passed him over.

 There’s also the VERY common scholarly interpretation that Iago is also driven at least in part by toxic love of/ excessive lust for Othello (It’s especially blatant in the Kenneth Branagh’s portrayal). One can definitely see a similar interpretation of Kristoph’s “friendship” with Phoenix--either  in a “if I can’t have you, no one will” way or  in “I will deliberately and methodically destroy everything you love until I’m the only the only thing left. Then, you’ll have to choose me” way. 

But there’s also hints that Iago could have mixed motives, completely different motives, or even no motive  at all. Now who does that remind me of? Kristoph “you’ll never break my five black psyche-locks”--Gavin. 

“Determined to be a villain”--Kristoph, Richard, and Edmund intro - When it comes to their motivations,  King Lear’s Edmund and Richard III are remarkably similar characters to each other  in terms of their motivations--even if their methods/results differ somewhat. So I’m gonna talk about their motivations together for a bit  before I talk about Kristoph parallels in terms of individual character arcs. 

Both  King Lear’s Edmund and Richard III are victims of a world that they believe had left them no other choice but villainy (Edmund because he was born illegitimately and Richard because he was born with multiple physical deformities)  When Richard III says that great line in his opening soliloquy  “I am determined to prove a villain,” he doesn’t mean  “I’m so excited about the fun evil I’m gonna do. Yay! YOLO.” (At least, he doesn’t mean ONLY that.)

“Determined” is actually part of  the verb in this sentence, not the adjective.If you tweak the  sentence structure to match how we’d express this in 21st century English, you can see that Richard is actually referring to himself as a passive subject: “I have been determined a villain by _______.” There’s an invisible indirect object there--the one that Richard believes has forced his hand: fate, his birth, his looks, divine judgement, or something else entirely. (Edmund also has a very similar monologue about how “nature” has made him a villain because of the circumstances of his birth but not gonna dive too deeply into that rn.)

Okay, so during that time and place, illegitimate children and those w/ physical disabilities thought they had little control over free will/personal morality. Makes sense. But how does Kristoph come into this? 

Well, he might if he had a serious mental illness instead. I have seen plausible cases being made for a Kristoph with PTSD (due to unexplained trauma suggested by his black psyche locks), anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, OCD, and/or paranoia. Any one of these could make someone believe that the dice are stacked against them and that the only way to enjoy success/happiness is to take drastic action to ensure it. 

Of course, none of the above excuses or justifies any of what Richard, Edmund, or Kristoph do in their respective arcs. It just makes it easier to understand why they might do those things.

Now we’re gonna look at Richard and Edmund respectively and compare their specific parallels with Kristoph. 

Kristoph as Richard the III:

 So the most obvious parallel between Richard and Kristoph is a visual one. During his final break down, Kristoph hunches over in a way reminscient of someone--who like Richard--has  scoliosis. There’s also the creepy spasm on his face when he loses his cool, which does give him a very Richard-esque look. 

In terms of parallels in their actual arcs, Kristoph may not have murdered his two nephews  like tricky King Dicky does but his poisoning of Vera Misham does show that he--like Richard-- is willing to hurt a child if said child threatens his ambition. 

 And one more little thing: Kristoph like Richard (and also like Edmund who’ll we will get to in a second) does have a magnetic personality which he uses to charm the pants off his would-be enemies. 

The biggest example of that is when he is somehow able to convince Lady Anne to marry him- while standing next to the body of her of her dead father-in--law whom Richard himself killed alongside her husband too! 

Kristoph may have not done anything quite that twisted, but “befriending” a man whose life he personally ruined is definitely Richard III-esque--especially if one believes that Kristoph also has a sexual/romantic interest in Phoenix and/or that their “friendship”  had a physical, non-platonic component to it. 

Kristoph as Edmund the Bastard:

And now for the grand finale. Edmund you magnificent bastard (literally as well as figuratively). I cannot believe I nearly missed this particular parallel. It’s just... stunning.  

So, the main b-plot of King Lear involves the rivalry between two brothers--Edgar the legitimate son and Edmund the other one. Edgar is impulsive and hot-headed with a insightful, sometimes caustic sense of humor, whereas Edgar is cold, collected and quietly compelling.  (Does this remind y’all of a certain pair of lawyer siblings yet? Hmm... Just wait.)

Just like in AJ, the conflict between the brothers in Lear reaches a breaking point due to...get this.. a forged document. (Le gasp! Is it really so? What a freaky coincidence. Yeah that was my thought too!) 

So, Edmund writes a fake letter from “his brother” that alleges he’s plotting to overthrow their father and then hands the letter over to dear old Dad who exiles Edgar which kicks off the plot. 

But wait, you say? Phoenix was the one Kristoph ruined w/ the forged document, not Klavier, and you’d be right about that mostly. If you actually look at the timeline carefully, you’ll see that Kristoph ordering the forgery pre-dates his being fired as  Zak Gramarye’s  attorney. And as others have pointed out , there’s only one reason why he might do that.  

Kristoph was planning to use the fake diary page himself in court and present “indisputably compelling” fake evidence to get his client off. He was gonna use this forgery against his own brother, just to ensure he got what he wanted. Just like Edmund... (*mind blown*)

It’s only after he’s fired as Zak’s lawyer that Kristoph switches his animosity to Phoenix, setting him up to take the fall, because a Gavin court victory is still more valuable than that of a nobody--even if the wrong Gavin has to win the day. 

So yeah...that’s all she wrote so far. Hopefully, I’ll be able to pull my Claudius and Brutus thoughts together soon for a follow up.

[sotheywrotestories]

I Love You Either Way

Request;

Weird request but could I please get a story where the reader is dealing with really bad scoliosis complications? Reader x herc if at all possible? Thank you!

-Nonnie

Pairings; Hercules Mulligan x Reader

Warnings; If scoliosis triggers you, I suppose this could be upsetting. Also some bullying.

PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE ON SCOLIOSIS. I AM MAKING A STORY BASED OFF OF WHAT I DO KNOW. 

Summary; The reader has suffered from scoliosis her whole life. She was always bullied. But today would change that.

I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just a curve if my spine. And who is ashamed of how they look?

I really hope that you can read my sarcasm. 

I hate it. I hate it so much. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, but I’ve learned to deal with it. 

The bullying on the other hand....

That too has been going on forever, but it still hurts. No matter who it’s from, or what they say. It hurts. 

I had this best friend. And, she was great. I mean, amazing. She was always there for me and she constantly told me not to worry about the rumors she was spreading about me. 

Except she was the one who was spreading them behind my back. 

That brings us to where we are now. Well, where I am now. Sobbing in the library.

“Hey, are you okay?” someone said.

I looked up to see a big guy standing there, awkwardly fiddling with his hands. I gave him a shy smile and wiped my eyes. 

“Yeah-yeah I’ m fine,” I lied.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Those rumors are pretty nasty.”

“Oh, yeah. It’s no big deal,” I said with a fake smile.

The guy gave me a real genuine smile and turned around. I felt a little bit of disappointment growing in the pit of my stomach. I thought that maybe he’d stay. 

I was turning around to grab my stuff when he spoke up again. 

“Uh, hey,” he said nervously. “Would you like to eat lunch with us?”

“Uh, yeah. I’d love that.”

His group of friends was actually really nice, and he actually cared about how I felt. One of the girls looked at me weird at first. But it turned out she just wanted to know where I got my shirt, it’s evidently the “cutest thing she ever saw”.

It was nice to have actual friends.

I had actual fun hanging out with them. There Lafayette, who’s heavy accent made him had to understand but fun to listen to, then there was Alexander, who was very passionate about everything he said, his girlfriend Eliza, who was the sweetest cinnamon roll ever. Of course, there were her two sisters, Angelica who immediately acted like my own big sister, and Peggy, the one who loved my shirt. Oh, and John Laurens who overall just loves turtles. 

And of course, Hercules Mulligan. The tall shy guy who was incredibly loud.

And sweet. And sooooooo good looking. 

Yeah, I may or may not like Hercules, but he doesn’t like me back. 

Maybe I should just stay away. 

I still hung out with the group, but I was more and more distant as time grew on.  I talked to the girls daily, and occasionally I would talk to Alexander, but I didn’t talk very much to them at school.

The rumors got worse, and at first, I didn’t think the group cared. I sat down with tears on my face, and of course, Peggy asked about what happened. 

“I-It was Thomas. He was m-making fun of me again,” I sobbed.

I saw Alexanders face get red, and I was afraid that he was angry at me, and then he stormed off. 

“I-I didn’t mean to make him upset,” I cried harder, it suddenly became hard to breathe. 

Scoliosis already made it hard to breathe for me sometimes, and now crying made it even worse. 

“Hey, hey hey, he’s not mad at you,” Hercules said, scooting closer to me. “(Y/N), look at me.”

I looked over at him to see genuine concern in his eyes. 

“He’s not mad at you,” he repeated.

My breathing was still erratic.

“Okay, here. Can I touch you?” Hercules asked. 

I barely nodded. 

Hercules reached over and grabbed my shoulders with his hands.

“Pay attention to my breathing, okay?” he asked.

I nodded and focused on how fast he was breathing.  I tried to match it and after a while, I could breathe again.

“There you go, see? Alexander isn’t mad at you, he’s mad at Jefferson,” Hercules said and Peggy nodded along furiously. 

I stopped distancing myself from the whole group, but I was still hesitant about Hercules. At this point, it was just out of pure embarrassment. 

And it was happening again. Some rumors were being spread, but this time, they didn’t hesitate to do it around me. 

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST SHUT UP!” Hercules yelled. “There is nothing wrong with (Y/N). She’s amazing and the way she looks has nothing to do with it! She’s sweet and she has the best personality. She just shut up!”

Everyone looked at Hercules and then looked at me. I dropped my head and blushed. Once I could feel nearly everyone’s eyes off of me, I looked back up.

“I really like you (Y/N),” Hercules admitted.

And that was the start

[5hfanfiction]

clumsy in love (ghost au)

wattpad == longerr_hours , check out my other stuff if you wanna 

“Chanch, I swear to fuck you’re the clumsiest person in the world,” Dinah laughs as Camila picks herself off the ground for the second time since the school day started. 

“I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again,” Camila rolls her eyes as she steadies herself, not shocked that Dinah laughed instead of helped, “it’s definitely not my fault, it has to be some like scientific fuck up with my body." 

"Whatever you say Walz,” Dinah continues to chuckle as they make their way to class. 

It’s always been like that, Camila falling and tripping and stumbling her way around, somehow managing to pull off the clumsiness but still who likes being clumsy. 

She swears it’s an actual disability, as in she has coordination issues that could be diagnosed as an actual problem, but she’d already been cleared as not having anything like that. 

Her mom had made her go get checked out a few months ago and the doctor had had to find a polite way to say that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her feet. She’d thought maybe it was an extra bone that sent her off balance, or scoliosis, or literally anything, but it wasn’t. She’s just clumsy. 

Sometimes she feels like, and this is going to sound crazy so bare with her, but she feels like she’s being pushed or pulled. Usually it’s when she isn’t falling, like when she manages to catch herself it feels like someone else did it, but sometimes she swears there’s an invisible foot in front of her.

That day continues like the rest and she ends up with a sore ankle, a sore arm and a broken pencil.

“Fucking, fuck,” Camila mumbles as she pushes her way through her door and stumbles on the frame, dropping her bag on her desk and making her way over to her bed. “My arm fucking hurts and my fucking favorite fucking pencil is fucking broken and-” she’s had a bad day.

“Hey, at least you didn’t break your pencil and your arm,” and yikes, okay it gets worse with the random voice and-

“Oh my god!” Camila yells, hopping back in place only to be caught by the cold arms and brought down to sit slowly on the bed to avoid injury. 

“Holy shit did you just hear me?” the… thing asks, voice shocked but amused, also raspy and hot as fuck but Camila can’t really think about that right now. 

And like,  she knows it’s not a thing it’s a ghost, it looks like a ghost and a girl shaped ghost and Camila can’t see the ghost after a second because she passes out. 

-

“Camila? Camz, c'mon wake up,” she hears a soft voice as she wakes up, head cushioned on her pillows and warmth covering one side of her body, cold covering the other. 

“Five more minutes,”  Camila groans out, burying her face into the pillow more. Her mom’s always annoying like this, no matter how many times she says she’s getting up she doesn’t leave her alone. 

“Camila you’ve been…” and wait, that’s not her mom’s voice, and the cold on her back is shifting and-’

“Holy shit,” she’s upright, and stiff and turns to face the, wait it’s a normal girl. “Okay I don’t wanna be rude,” Camila starts as she stares uncertainly at the girl staring back at her, “but who on earth are you?" 

"Umm… that’s kind of a long story but I’m Lauren,” she replies and Camila remembers now what she’d seen before when the light catches Lauren’s face and she’s almost translucent. 

“You’re umm… you’re kind of like glowing,” Camila says, and she gulps too because she’s kind of scared as to who’s sitting in her room and knows her name and she thought she was a ghost earlier but maybe she was just a girl following her around and maybe that’s worse than a ghost but she’s unsure and the girl is yet to answer and-

“It happens sometimes,” she shrugs and Camila nods like an idiot. She’s always been hopeless around pretty people, even if she isn’t sure if they are a people. 

“So… you’re Lauren,” Camila continues after another  moment of silence, and if she wasn’t such a sucker for a pretty girl in her bed (as if that’s ever happened before), then she’d be freaking out over the stranger, but she’s somehow calm around Lauren. 

All Lauren offers up is a nod as she sits up a little bit in the bed so Camila matches her position before continuing, trying to get to the bottom of this without being rude (why does she care, this is literally a stranger in her room that just appeared and what the hecking heck?).

“And you’re here because..?” she asks and like, now Lauren looks kind of uncertain but she begins to speak so Camila begins to listen. 

“Well this is kind of hard to explain… I’ve been here for a while, kind of at least, and like I guess you can hear me now? And see me now? I don’t know why that is but-”

“Wait wait wait, are you like,” and Camila pauses, eyes wide as she looks around the room as if checking for anyone else before continuing, “are you a ghost?" 

Lauren once again answer with a nod, and Camila should be freaking out but instead she wonders why this girl doesn’t seem to talk too much. 

"You’ve been here for a while…” Camila says finally and it’s after a few minutes maybe of just looking at Lauren with Lauren looking back. She isn’t going to freak out, but Lauren seemed to be waiting for it. “Like as in in my room?” Camila asks with raised eyebrows and like, she shouldn’t be wondering how many times this ghost has seen her naked but she is because her priorities are mixed up. 

“Umm, well more like with you? Yeah I’ve been with you, so wherever you are,” Lauren answers and Camila should once again be scared but she is flattered? Seriously? Camila get your shit together.  "Or like, in some cases just somewhere close,“ Lauren adds and so Camila nods again, not sure what to make of the information. Lauren didn’t really give a reasoning for following Camila but she feels a little bit awkward asking. 

"So you’re like… my personal ghost? Camila asks anyways after a moment because she is awkward so who cares. Her face still portrays her shock but now it’s slightly less terrified, more intrigued. 

"Not exactly,” Lauren answers with a shrug as she perches on Camila’s bed. “I don’t have to follow you around or whatever but you’re like, really entertaining to be around - not in a bad way, of course. Or like, a creepy way, hopefully,” Camila’s kind of shocked that ghost can blush but yup this ghost is blushing and it’s adorable. 

“I used to go to your school and I saw you once when I was visiting,” Lauren continues and Camila chooses to ignore thinking the ghost is cute. “You like… you kinda fell down the stairs a little bit,” she offers up but Camila falls down the stairs like, basically every day so that doesn’t help clarify when. “It would’ve been a bad fall and um… I caught you. I pushed you back up and I steadied you and I’ve been tagging along ever since,” she concludes, and Camila notices her tone switch a little bit when she brings up the fall but she hides it easily and Camila supposes she can ignore that too. 

“Okay,” Camila nods and like, it’s okay, she’s surprisingly fine with this girl in her room because she seems cool, and there’s something that feels oddly comforting about her, even if she’s a ghost and Camila’s been afraid of ghosts since she was six and she swore her house was haunted. 

But this ghost seems nice, different, so she just talks to her and it starts from there. 

-

“I can’t fucking believe you’ve been purposely making me look stupid in front of Dinah for all these months,” Camila spits, aggressively pulling her feet up in her chair and not pulling lout the homework she told Lauren she’d start this period. Lauren laughs in response. “You know I went to a legitimate doctor, right? Like I was-”

“God yeah, that was the best shit ever Camz, I almost cracked when I saw how upset you were but it was too funny to see you stumbling all day,” Lauren laughs remembering dying laughing in the doctors office when Camila found out she was perfectly healthy, just awful at walking in a  straight line. 

“You purposely tried to hurt me,” Camila accused, crossing her arms and pouting like a child making Lauren laugh even harder. 

“No, no, absolutely not, I may have played sometimes, but I saved you from yourself so may times because I may have enhanced it,but you;re clumsy enough on your own,” Lauren argues and Camila doesn’t really have an argument so she just pouts until she wants to talk agh, which is ten minutes later. (Girl sure knows how to pout). 

“Hey Lo,” Camila bugs for the twelfth time today alone. Lauren would bet money, you know if she used money, that it’s another ghost joke. “What do you call a ghost who scares chickens?” and yup, it’s another ghost joke. 

“I don’t know Camz, what do you call a ghost who scares chickens?” she plays along, because it’s Camila, and Lauren will listen to her jokes all the time, but seriously? It’s first period and everybody in the library probably thinks Camila is a psychopath talking to herself, and Lauren kind of wants a nap, sick of having to come to school with her so early. 

“A poultry-ghost! Get it?” Camila exclaims, whisper shouts, and Lauren can’t stifle a laugh because okay yeah, good one. 

“Don’t you have calculus to be doing?” Lauren asks after she chuckles a little bit an Camila seems smug to have made her laugh again (obviously not aware yet that Lauren will laugh at everything she says).

“Can you do it for me? Since you’re all old shouldn’t you be good at math?” she asks and pulls her bag up to her lap but doesn’t open it. That’s enough progress in her mind for at least twenty minutes. 

“Nope,” Lauren replies, propping her feet up on Camila’s arm rest. “I only made it to junior year so pre calc is all I got, and come on, who remembers that shit forty years later?” and Camila’s eyes shoot open because one, she just found out how old Lauren was when she died and she found out when it was and Lauren is… older than her mom? She has a crush on someone - scratch that - a fusing ghost that’s older than her mother? Actually it’s Lauren so she’s over it already, but it’s still a shock. 

They’d been hanging out, as in Camila had been able to see Lauren and communicate with her for a few weeks now. The two clicked fast, especially since both were harboring crushes and one (Camila, duh) was completely shameless about it. 

She’d somehow gotten pretty close to having a life mate, someone always with her and scaring her and, Camila found out she was right about being pushed and pulled sometimes because now she felt even more clearly the hands either pulling her upright or jokingly making her stumble. 

It’d been hard at first to remember that she was the only one who saw Lauren, and Dinah probably thinks she’s insane at the amount of slip ups she’s had, but she got used to it after a few days. 

In situations like these, she figures she can talk to Lauren quietly and people will assume she’s on bluetooth phone or something since everybody does that shit nowadays. 

“Wait… is it like, offensive that I make ghost jokes?” Camila asks after a few moments of the two lost in thought and if Lauren could be heard by anyone else she’d be kicked out of the library for the loud laugh that escapes her lips at the question. 

“No Camila,” she says midst laughing and Camila begins to giggle too at the thought of what she’d just said. “Do your math, babe,” Lauren press again and pushes Camila’s attention towards the bag and like, she’d called Camila pet names casually before and it’s like, she’s blushing mad hard. 

She doesn’t mind that Lauren’s a ghost and Lauren doesn’t seem to mind that she’s a human. 

They don’t really talk about that fact though, that Lauren’s a ghost. Other than those ghost jokes, that is. A few times it comes up though, and it always leaves both girls wondering about everything in the world as they know it. 

“So do all ghosts like, haunt wherever they die or something?” Camila asks, head rolling off the bed as Lauren rubs gently down her back, hoping she’ll fall back asleep so Lauren can catch some too. She loves talking to Camila, don’t get her wrong, but the girl doesn’t shut up. 

“No they do not,” she replies anyways. she could’ve pretended to be asleep, but she doesn’t. “Usually they move onto… whatever it is that they move onto." 

It’s silent for another moment and Lauren thinks maybe she’s finally- "So why haven’t you gone wherever it is that you’ll go?" 

She sighs, not because of Camila still being awake, that’s fine actually because now the girl is turned so her head is lolling onto Lauren’s shoulder instead of off the bed and it’s kind of the most comforting thing she’s felt in forty years. 

She sighs because she doesn’t know. She’s been trying to move on ever since her accident happened. She’s been desperately doing acts of good deeds for strangers (for example catching a pretty girl whenever she falls over the stairs) but nothing seems to be working. t’s not that Lauren isn’t loving Earth right now because she is, Earth with Camila is the bestest. She’s just really, really confused on what she’s supposed to be doing. 

Lauren misses her mom. She’s gotten to see her once since she died, the night her mom died, and it was the reunion she’d hoped for, but when she woke up the next day her mother was gone and she was still here. 

Here. She doesn’t even know where here is. Nobody on earth can see her or hear her or notice her other than Camila (which hey, she could be cheesy and say Camila is her whole world so technically the world can but nope nope no cheese right now) so she doesn’t consider herself a resident of this planet, but where?

Lauren has interacted with other ghosts, and sometimes she’s seen them just as lost as herself, but she’s never seen a trick on how to escape this never ending loop of being stranded here. 

She has no clue why she’s still here. (That’s not true, she has her own cheesy, typical movie ideas, but she’s really hoping whatever higher power is holding her hostage isn’t as cliche as she is [A/N i totally am ;))))]).

"I’m not sure yet,” she replies, and Camila’s asleep, she knows it since she took too long to reply, but now she can’t stop thinking enough to sleep. 

-

Camila finally fins out what happened to Lauren a few months into spending basically every waking moment and non waking moment with her. 

It was a bad day, as in Camila failed a test and she tripped on a step and nobody caught her and there was a fire alarm in third period, which is her study so she didn’t get to do her homework, and Lauren had been missing since then. 

She’s concerned, yeah, but she was kind of used to Lauren randomly disappearing and coming back so she tried to focus on school. 

When Lauren doesn’t catch up to her after last period on her way walking home, she kind of does start to panic and does a u turn. She feels like she should check the school again, she thinks it’s crush intuition. 

She finds Lauren sat on a staircase. It’s one of the back ones and it takes Camila about half an hour of wandering aimlessly to find her, but when she does she’s glad she looked because the girl looks defeated. 

“Lauren?” She asks, nervous to approach, but less nervous and more concerned when she gets closer and Camila can see how sad she looks. 

“It was right here,” Lauren says, voice soft and eyes focused on the ground next to her as Camila hesitantly approaches. “It was during one of those bomb scares during the Vietnam War… we’d been having a lot of them lately but they were yet to be really perfected and well… I tripped and nobody stopped…” she trails off, letting Camila take a moment to understand what’s been said, to connect the faint bruises littering Lauren’s body.

She was trampled. 

She was tramped and killed and she must have been sitting here since the alarms went off earlier and Camila’s heart breaks thinking of how terrified Lauren must have been then and now. 

“Lauren…” she starts, but stops. She can’t say anything, there isn’t anything to say. This will never be okay that tho girl, innocent and pure and beautiful and everything Camila admires in a person, this girl never got to experience life. Life never got to experience her. 

She’s dead, she’s not going to come back and Camila is grateful that at least she gets to be with Lauren, but nobody else will and it breaks her heart to think of such a beautiful soul (BuyBeautifulSoulbyJesseMccartneyoniTunes) not being shared with the world. 

“I’m fine now,” Lauren cuts in the silence, not wanting Camila to think she has to say something bold. she knows the younger girl cares, can feel it and see it on her face and she’s grateful. “It took me a while but I’m fine, I’m happy as I am and… I may have missed a lot but I’ve also gotten to see a lot as well." 

That’s when Camila starts to notice that she’s beginning to fall for Lauren, if she were to mark the point it would be right then. 

-

They get closer. 

They get closer and everything is going great but then Camila kind of ruins it for a second. 

It’s on a movie night. They’re watching The Last Five Years because Camila claims it’s the best thing in the world and Lauren likes it but she can’t get over what a douche bag the main guy is and she spends the whole movie critiquing him, and Camila kind of loves how passionate Lauren is about everything, how she’s so lively for someone who technically isn’t alive. 

She’s ranting, passionately but "If I didn’t Believe in you” is about to come on and Camila will be damned if she misses this song, so she shushes Lauren. 

When she turns to shush her she’s so close though, sos close that her eyes shine and her lips are just right there and Camila leans in without a second thought. 

Lauren let’s her kiss her. 

When their lips touch Camila swears she’s never felt anything so amazing in her life. 

It’s soft, slow, probably only a few seconds but Camila can see everything good and happy about everything she’s ever experienced in the kiss. 

Lauren sees everything she remembers life being and pulls away before she can question what it means. Her eyes meet Camila’s eyelids, fluttered closed and her face is covered in a light blushed and she’s the most beautiful thing Lauren has ever seen and she thinks she might be in love with her. 

Then brown eyes open up and Lauren sees all the life that she’s sure is lacking in her own. 

And so she runs. 

It takes her a while and she isn’t quite sure where she’s going but she ends up where she always ends up, the staircase that ended her old life (and that started her new one, but she doesn’t think about that yet).

She feels like she’s going insane. She should’ve left as soon as Camila could see her because she’s dead. She’s dead and Camila is alive, so alive and she can’t pull her into this underworld with her. 

But everything before Camila was so dark, and now it;s not, every day with her becomes brighter and she’s never been willing to get so hurt but she’s put her whole self into Camila’s hand, trusting her to hold her as close as possible. 

She doesn’t want her to be put into danger, or risk being hurt, but she does want Camila to love her. 

She thinks maybe she might, and when Camila turns the corner of the hallway, out of breath and so uncoordinated and out of shape but, it looks like she ran for Lauren and Lauren is officially head over heels. 

“That transporting thing…” Camila says between pants, slowly approaching Lauren who looks more panicked than she ever has. “… that’s unfair, you know I can’t do that,” she finishes and if Lauren weren’t so torn she’d coo at how adorable Camila is. 

“Camila we can’t-”

“We can Lauren, we can and we do,” Camila cuts her off and Lauren flinches at the harshness of her voice, Camila seems to realize this as she calms herself before continuing, “we’ve been ignoring it but I’m done with that. I really like you Lauren, and I know you feel the same way and I’m sick of not acting on it.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way, we shouldn’t feel this way,” Lauren stresses, running a hand through her hair as she paces back and forth,avoiding contact with Camila who’s anxiously watching her, trying to stop her ranting but failing to do so. “I’m dead Camila, I’m dead and I’m old and I’ll probably be gone by the time-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Camila finally completely interrupts, shocking the older girl by being demanding. “Just stop for a minute Lo, look at me for a minute,” she says and she approaches the older girl gently, finally having stopped her pacing and reaches for her hands. 

They’re cold when she holds them, so she holds them tighter and tries her hardest to make Lauren feel as warm as her. 

Lauren lets her hold her hands but she can’t look up. She’s trying to resist, but Camila’s touch makes her feel things she’s never felt before. She feels safe, happy, for once not dead inside and out. 

“Lauren look at me,” Camila says again, and it’s soft, demanding but soft and gentle and when Lauren looks up Camila’s eyes are so soft and caring and beautiful and it’s so Camila. 

“I don’t care,” Camila finally says slowly. “I don’t care if I might wake up one day to an empty bed and no note. I don’t care that I could lose you in a heartbeat if something finally changes. I don’t care that my dog will continue to bark at you whenever we go anywhere. I don’t care that you’re like forty years older than me either, I’m fucking in love with you Lauren Jauregui.

"I don’t care that I can’t introduce you to my parents and I don’t care that my friends are always going to think I’m a single weirdo, and I don’t care that sex is going to be freezing and I don’t care that you’re a fucking ghost. I just care about you, that’s it Lauren. That’s all there is for me, I care about you so much that it feels like I’ll die if I don’t get to show you for at least a little while." 

She’s at  aloes of words, Lauren doesn’t think she’s ever in her life and after life been so stunned and happy and grateful and suddenly she doesn’t care about any of it either, hell she doesn’t even care that she missed out on her old life because she’s found a new life in Camila. 

"I love you too,” she says, and it takes a moment to come out, because she;s at a loss for words,a and she wanted to say something bold and romantic like Camila did, but all she has is that and it’s enough. 

-

“I think I’m still here because I’m supposed to be loving you,” Lauren says, it’s one night years later and she’s still there and they’re still together and they’re happy and so so happy.

“I think you’re right,” Camila sighs, snuggling deeper into Lauren’s arms. “And I think I’m still here because you’re loving me." 

Lauren feels more alive than she ever has next to Camila, and Camila feels the same. 

[curiousfancy]

A decade of being fat positive

I recently realised that 2017 marks 10 years that I’ve been practicing fat positivity. It’s a slightly overwhelming thought. For one, I’m still convinced that 2007 was 5 years ago, so it’s a bit disorienting to discover that nope, it’s been a whole decade. Living a fat positive life for that long also means that I haven’t had to think about it very much in the past several years. It’s who I am, and fat positivity is just something I do, like sleeping or breathing. But a 10 year anniversary feels like a good time to take a look back and review how fat acceptance has transformed my life since that summer of 2007. 10 years ago I was still an undergrad with my twenties stretching out in front of me and no concrete plans for what I wanted to do in that time. I was also deeply unhappy with my body and consumed with the idea of trying to ‘fix it’ before I could fully embark on my life. I can’t imagine what a timeline where I didn’t come across the fat positive internet would look like because it changed everything - from where my life could have gone to where it actually did. I’ve talked at length about those early years - in fact when I think of the discourse surrounding body positivity, I find that most of it centers around those crucial first steps intended towards those who are just coming to grips with the idea of accepting their bodies. What I want to discuss, instead, are the long term results of living a fat positive life and how that’s played out in my case.

Fat Acceptance vs BOPO

Before I talk about the long term benefits of fat acceptance, however, I’d like to make the crucial distinction between what I call fat positivity/acceptance as opposed to what’s known as body positivity. Both these terms meant pretty much the same thing to me until the corporate takeover of the body positive movement in the early-mid 2010s which hijacked the phrase from its rad fatty roots and turned it into an anodyne, feelgood platitude. So when I say fat positivity, I’m referring to the core tenets of fat acceptance that I picked up from a tiny corner of the internet back in the day. It was very much a niche interest at that time, spread across a few LJ comms and standalone blogs. I spent those early years lurking on the Fatshionista LJ and in comment threads on Shapely Prose, following second generation fat activists like Lesley Kinzel and Substantia Jones. What stands for body positivity now wouldn’t have come into being without the foundational work laid out by radical fat activists, something that the bopo trend continues to ignore and remain wilfully ignorant of. Similarly, it ignores the demographic who built the movement in the first place - people on the larger end of fat, people who suffer the worst of systemic fat discrimination.

I also understand my rather awkward position in talking about this as someone who’s always been on the smaller end of fat by Western standards but pretty much on the opposite end of the scale in the Indian subcontinent. The face (rather body) of bopo looks closer to my own than that of people who bear the brunt of fat prejudice. However, when fat prejudice succeeded in destroying my life, it wasn’t because I suffered from disordered eating and body image issues. It was because the size of my body made me an outcast in the society I grew up in and continue to live in today. I still can’t walk into a doctors and expect treatment instead of prejudice, and when I want new clothes I have to resort to tailoring or shopping online, that too from stores outside India. If I wasn’t lucky enough to meet my fiance, I would have resigned myself to a lifetime of stoic loneliness considering how Indian men have never seen me as anything other than a fat joke. Outside the romantic context however, I’d still be trapped under societal expectations about the size of my body had it not been for fat acceptance. Some of it, obviously, is stuff I can’t change. I can’t make plus size clothing magically appear in shops, and I can’t make the medical profession take off its fatphobic lenses and see me as a real person. But I can call out doctors on their bullshit now and demand the treatment I need because fat acceptance has given me the confidence to do so. I still get the stares and the comments that I always have when I go out of the house but I’ve learned to not let them affect my everyday life. I managed to cut off all the toxic friends and acquaintances who saw my body as a receptacle for their fat hate. I’ve set clear boundaries with my remaining family, who in turn have learned to not bring up my fat in conversation, ever.

Fat acceptance hasn’t changed the landscape I have to survive in, but it gave me the tools I needed to navigate that landscape and make something of myself while doing so. Over the years, I’ve been more than aware of my unique position as someone who’s outsized in real life but physically closer to the ‘acceptably curvy’ ideal that’s turned the online and predominantly Western body positivity movement into a farce. It’s one of the reasons I avoid speaking on the subject, because unlike the majority of ‘bopo influencers’ I’m acutely aware of the need for people who are fatter than me, more marginalised than me to be visible in the community. The reason I’m writing this today is that I feel I have something useful to contribute to the discourse rather than just saying ‘hey, my size 18 body is okay too!’ I know my body is more or less acceptable in the online community I’m writing this for, I know that I’m not shunted aside for my size the way very fat people are. But I’m not writing this from the perspective of an online-only persona, I’m writing this as someone who continues to stick out like a giant thumb in a population of rather petite humans, someone who very literally was saved by fat acceptance.

Unhealthy Fatty

I’ve been seeing some talk recently about certain ‘bopo role models’ making statements like “body positivity is fine, but only as long as you’re healthy!” (And of course, I can’t find a link any of these discussions now because I’m disorganized af when it comes to writing, so if anyone can link me up, please please do!) When I started practicing fat positivity, I was similarly uncritical of this concept of the ‘healthy fatty’. After all, I’d spent my childhood and teens being mocked for not being able to keep up with my peers, in dread of becoming the stereotypical sweaty, out of breath, token fatty in the group. Even as I tried to come to terms with my body, I clung onto the idea of health, or rather the public performance of it. I’d push myself to walk faster and longer than my thin friends, I’d climb stairs while somehow controlling my breathing so that no one would know how my lungs were ready to burst. Health was the currency with which I had to buy my humanity as a fat person. In its absence, I had no way of justifying my existence. I had a skinny ex with whom I’d spend hours walking around town on weekends, not once able to articulate the pain that put me in, and the days of rest that I needed to recover from it. It was only after my scoliosis was diagnosed in 2012 that I finally started letting go of the pretence. I’m not proud of the fact that I needed to succumb to chronic pain before thinking critically about health and fat. I needed to go through the experience of my spine giving up before I could accept that I wasn’t a ‘model fatty’, and make peace with a body that didn’t cooperate with my demands from it. Even a couple of years ago, I couldn’t have admitted to this publicly, but that’s why fat acceptance is a journey. I’m no longer afraid of admitting that I am unhealthy, that I smoke too much and eat horribly and don’t get as much movement as I probably should, and none of that detracts from my humanity. It doesn’t make me any less of a person. That’s what fat acceptance is. It’s not about health, and it’s not confined to a certain range of sizes. If I take shitty decisions about my health and my lifestyle, that’s all they are. I’m no less human than my skinny friends who smoke just as much and eat just as badly. My fat is not a reflection of any moral or emotional lack, it just is. Even after my 5 year long backache started and I had to adapt to it physically, I’d feel like I had to justify why I needed to sit or lie down most of the time. I don’t do that anymore. I demand my space because it’s my right as a human being, and I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s because I’m fat. Having to justify your basic physical needs on a constant loop ends up whittling you down emotionally. Fat acceptance was what gave me the strength to break out of that mentally erosive cycle.

The morality of food

Related to this is the concept of ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ food as opposed to ‘bad’, ‘sinful’, ‘unhealthy’ food. Although I spoke about eating badly just now, I used it to mean not eating as regularly as I should for the sake of my gastric ulcers. The first few years of my fat positive journey were mostly spent in unpacking and mending my relationship with food. Eating disorders can happen to anyone, at any weight, but in my case it was inextricably linked to hatred for my fat body. To heal my relationship with my body, I had to stop looking at food through a moral compass of pure vs. sinful, and allow myself to eat whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted it. These days, when I admonish myself for eating badly, it’s because I’m skipping meals in favour of work and popping ulcer meds to counter the pain. Morality doesn’t come into it, acute, physical stomach cramps do. Back in my early 20s, when I mentally sorted food into morally opposed categories, it wasn’t because of any imperative towards health. I keep thinking about a journal entry from late 2006 in which I wrote: “It’s not even about being healthy anymore. I stopped caring about health a long time ago. I know what I’m doing is not remotely healthy but I don’t care about that. I just want to be thin.” ‘Healthy’ food was just the stuff that I thought would help me lose weight, even when that meant living on watered down soup and apples. Most of my health problems these days are a direct consequence of those years of starving myself with supposedly healthy food when I was young enough to feel invincible. The contemporary trend of ‘wellness’ with its juice ‘cleanses’ is no different from the soup diets of the 2000s. Both have a single, unified goal, which is to banish the existence of fat, and consequently, that of fat people. Because the so called health concerns of being fat are seldom about health - it’s about the value of thinness in our societies and how well we can perform thinness in public.

Performing thinness

Performative thinness is what I used to cling on to before I came across fat acceptance. As a visibly fat woman, I had to give off the unambiguous message that my fat body was only temporary and I was paying the price for it by always striving to be thin. I’d never eat in public, especially not the kind of ‘bad’ food that would implicate me further in my fatness. At university, I’d be hungry for the entire day, and then go back home to binge throughout the evening in the privacy of my room. Sometimes I’d throw up, and when I couldn’t bring myself to, I’d berate myself for not being ‘strong enough’ to do so. I’d constantly talk about the diets I was on, they were my disclaimer, the shield with which I defended myself from being seen as an unrepentant fatty. Repentance, sinning, and guilt were the trifecta of words I would immediately associate with food - words which continue to form the mainstream vocabulary behind something as universal and necessary as eating. If 10 years ago, popular culture dictated that a thin person eating a donut follow it up with ‘Oh my god I’m going to get so fat’, bopo culture of the present day has simply replaced it with ‘Haha, I’m going to get so fat.’ Outside of radfat circles, being fat is read to be as much of a moral failure as it ever was.

In 2008, after a year of daily exposure to the fat positive internet, I started eating in public for the first time as an adult. My ex girlfriend and I would get absolutely blazed and then go to our favourite restaurant for a three-course meal with milkshakes on the side. Funnily enough, becoming a dedicated pothead is what gave me the emotional space I needed to actually put fat acceptance in practice than just reading about it. Before I started smoking weed, I’d spend most of my time obsessing over food. There was this engine in my brain dedicated to running over calorie counts and meal plans 24/7 while the rest of my thoughts centered around daydreams of fat and sugar laden goodness. But once I was high and the munchies hit, I couldn’t bring myself to care about portions or calories anymore. I ate for the sheer joy of it, I delighted in actually being able to taste what I was eating instead of gulping it down in pangs of guilt. These days, my relationship with food has but a fraction of that intensity. I love cooking and my baked goods are infamous among my friends, I’m forever hunting down new places for the best street food and cake, but food no longer consumes me. It’s a necessity and a delight, not a calorie controlled prison. I haven’t had to think twice about eating in public for the longest time - if there’s tasty food at hand, I’m going to eat it and that’s that. At the beginning, however, it wasn’t that easy. I needed to be in a stoned fug before I could step out of the house without having a minor breakdown about what people might be thinking. In those early years, self identifying as a pothead gave me the break I needed to withdraw from social conventions, including those which were imposed on my body. The haze of smoke that surrounded me formed a cocoon in which I could ensconce myself and finally grow.

Inside the cocoon

Before I was a pothead, I was just fat, nothing other than fat. It was all I knew about myself. Sure, I was smart, articulate, and kind, but mostly I was fat. Back then fat wasn’t the neutral term I see it as now. It was the defining curse of my existence, the stigma I could never shake off even during the worst of my eating disorder. But once I started thinking of myself as a stoner, that’s what became my defining feature rather than my fat. Outside my smoky cocoon, the rest of the world faded to white noise. I dropped out of my MA within the first week with no plans for what I was going to do next. All I knew was that I had to fix my head before I could emerge as a fully functioning person instead of the one dimensional being that fatphobia had turned me into. I spent close to two years detached from everyone I knew except close friends and family, and in that time I started reacquainting myself with the body I had and figuring out ways to thrive in it. Even though I’d always been drawn towards pretty clothes, I’d rarely had the confidence to wear anything that didn’t disguise my shape. Accepting my body as it was opened the doors to a thrilling new world that I’d never believed could be mine. I never believed I could wear a sleeveless dress in public until the day I screwed up my guts and went out in one. People stared and passed remarks as I’d expected them to, but with 2 years of fat acceptance to prop me up, being called a fatty didn’t devastate me the way it once did.

By the time I went back to uni in 2010, I was actively calling myself fat, and inspired by The BMI Project, tagging my fashion photos with ‘obesity epidemic’ on Flickr. Without the self assurance that fat positivity had given me, I’d never have had the courage to pack up my bags and move halfway across the world to start anew in a place where I didn’t know a single soul. Like I said earlier, I don’t know what the trajectory of my life would have looked like in the absence of the ‘fatosphere’. Those first three years of self renewal and remaking are the foundation stones of who I am today. It’s because I’d found that corner of the internet where it was okay to be fat that I was able to normalise the idea of being a fat person and living as one, rather than a secretly skinny individual who just happened to be ‘trapped’ in a fat body. That was crucial. Recognizing that as fat people, we are individuals in our own right, and that skinny isn’t some default state of being that we have to aspire to.

Accepting my changing body

My journey into fat acceptance didn’t end with calling myself fat, it was a foundational block but also a stepping stone. I know this is a journey that’ll continue for as long as I live because there isn’t a destination, it always has and always will be a work in progress. At first I believed that all I had to do was get to my set point and accept my body as it would be then and that’s it, job done. I figured that once I reached my set point weight, I’d just stay there forever until I got old, shrivelled up and died. But our bodies seldom follow the plans we carefully lay out for them. Mine kept changing. I gained weight and lost it and gained it back again, and somewhere down the line I realised that fat acceptance wasn’t just about accepting one version of my body, be it the smallest or largest one. Everytime I gained or lost weight, it would send me into a full blown emotional crisis. My body would feel disjointed and alien, and I’d have to go through the process of becoming familiar with it all over again. I needed stability to feel good about my body - anytime it was in flux, so was I. For fat acceptance to work for me the way I needed it to, I had to be prepared for change. I had to understand my body and not just know it, I had to be comfortable enough with it so that I could change in tandem when it did. In all the time that I’ve spent around fat positive and bopo circles, I never found the concept of having to love my body either constructive or helpful. The radfat ethos that brought me into the fold focused not so much on love as acceptance, and inhabiting one’s body fully and without apology. I don’t know if I love my body, I don’t know how I could love something that’s such an intrinsic part of me. Love needs distance to grow so it can bridge that distance, but my body and I work as one. When my BPD flares up, my body suffers alongside my mind. I neglect to eat, I push myself through my nerve pain instead of trying to treat it because at that point, I just need to spite myself. I can’t disengage one half of me from the other, they’ll always have to coexist the best they can. But I no longer work against my body the way I used to, with deliberate, focused hatred. I know it too well to hate it, and I understand it too well to not be comfortable in it. And I know it will change, with children and age, and I no longer dread that. I’m a little curious, if anything - after all, pregnancy is bound to be a thrilling adventure with my lumbar scoliosis. I’m sure my body will frustrate and confound me like it does whenever I have a pain flare and am confined to bed, but we’ll work it out. That’s what old friends do. And that has been the most poignant gift of fat acceptance - turning my once reviled burden into a vessel I can mindfully inhabit.

Finding mindfulness

In the last few years, I’ve found myself looking inward a lot more than I used to. Taking pleasure in the quiet things, introspecting more and saying only what needs to be said. I feel like I’m finally conscious of actually living, of being a living, breathing, thinking creature that’s conscious of existing in every moment. I no longer feel like I’m careening abruptly through life, with no clue as to where I’ll end up next and how. I don’t think I could have found this inner quietude had I not spent all this time trying to inhabit my corporeal self as fully as I could. And that’s why the bopo line of ‘intentional weightloss is fine if you’re doing it to love your body!’ strikes me as utter garbage. If I was still trying to push change instead of accepting it as it comes, I’d still be chasing an arbitrary goal, feeling unfulfilled and incomplete, ever so slightly hollow. I started out to accept my body in all its fatness, so far on the way, I’ve discovered mindfulness. So before I conclude, here’s the 4 point version of my guidelines to living a fat positive life.

1. I will not diet or practice intentional weightloss. Instead I will focus on eating intuitively and continue to rebuild my damaged relationship with food.

2. I will not be critical of anyone else’s body, especially when that person has less body privilege than I do. Neither will I engage in any kind of body shaming or weightloss talk, but I will shut down instances of such talk when I encounter it.

3. I will not conflate weight with health but I will try to be kind to myself and look after myself the best I can with the resources I have.

4. And lastly, I will not let my body stop me from doing whatever it is I want to do. I will live the exact same life that I would if I was thin instead.

That’s what it is condensed down to its core: living the same life I would have if I was thin instead. Loudly, aggressively if I need to, demanding my space when I have to. No less boldly than if I were thin. And certainly not waiting until I was thin. When I think of my fatness now, I relate pretty strongly to this quote from Michelle Allison. It is completely arbitrary to me because it doesn’t affect any part of my life outside of others’ reactions to my size. And I’ve learned not to expend much thought on those reactions - a key contribution from my fat positive ethos. The day I realised my life was happening in the here and now is the day it began. Without fat acceptance, I’d still be waiting for it to start, just as I was waiting 10 years ago.  

[thank-you-for-the-vampire-money]

INFLICTION

Request Anonymous: “Sorry I'm sending us a. Inch of kids request but I just saw that your a god writer of pre serum Steve so could you possibly do one of reader and preserving Steve have a son together and they find out that there son have some of the same health issues Steve has?”

A/N: Don’t be sorry, I love getting requests! Especially for my fav preserum Steve! Also, AAAHHHH!!!  I’ve accepted the headcanon that Steve’s kids would have the same health problems as him and I’ve been DYING to write a fic about it! And, thank you!  I’m glad you like my writing!

Dad!Preserum!Steve x reader

Word count: 1784

Summary: Steve and (Y/N) were blessed to have a son, but not all is well with the Rogers baby.

Warnings: child-birth, mentioned health issues, self-hate, sad Stevie (of course)

(GIF not mine)

           It had been over fourteen hours since you went into labor, but it had seemed like an eternity.  Bucky was in the waiting room, eagerly anticipating the official birth of his pseudo-niece or nephew.  On the other hand, Steve, the father of this little bundle of joy, was right beside you, letting you squeeze his hand to distract from the excruciating pain.  You wouldn't be surprised if he came out of this with a broken hand.

You and Steve were very surprised when you found out you were pregnant.  Any doctor Steve went to said it was very unlikely for him to get a woman pregnant, taken into consideration his weak body and poor health.  But, the news of having a baby made you both extraordinarily happy!  Steve wanted to tell everyone he passed on the street that he was going to be a father he was so excited!

 Steve and Bucky were so sweet to you during your pregnancy.  They brought you the foods you were craving, no matter how absurdly early it was; Steve would offer to rub your back if you were sore; Bucky would cook dinner for you, even if he had just come back from a six-hour work shift, they were just the kindest gentlemen you could ever wish to with you during pregnancy.  They even worked on fixing up the nursery on the weekends!

“Alright, one more push Mrs. Rogers,” the doctor muttered through his surgical mask.  With a loud scream, you gave all your energy into one last push; you just wanted this little sucker OUT.  It was a flash of white-hot pain like your body was expressing just how much it hated you at that moment.  Pained tears rolled down your face as you screamed and arched your back. It was all fiery pain and piercing shrieks when… a baby’s soft cry echoed off the walls and you could finally relax.

“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Rogers, it’s a boy,” the doctor cheered, wrapping the little guy in a blue swaddling blanket and handing him to you.  Longingly, you reached out your arms to see your precious baby boy.  “Welcome to the world Joseph James Rogers,” Steve whispered, pressing a feather light kiss to Joseph’s forehead.  Never in a thousand years did Steve think he would be standing here, with his beautiful wife and newborn child.

Joseph looked so beautiful, just like Steve.  He had a tuft of dark hair on top of his tiny head, he had pretty, crystal blue eyes like Steve, and… and he was having trouble breathing.

You could feel and hear Joseph struggling to breathe as you swaddled him.  Maternal instincts kicking in, you unwrapped him from his blanket, trying not to panic as Steve called the doctors over.  What felt like a hundred nurses rushed in, taking Joseph out of you and Steve’s arms.  Taking Steve’s hand once again, you leaned into his shoulder, trying not to stress-cry.

 After a few minutes, the doctor came in, “your son will be okay, he only had a minor asthma attack,” he said.  Steve's eyes bugged out of his skull, “asthma?!” he gaped. The doctor nodded, “yes, and, it seems that your child may be experiencing heart palpitations as well,”. Steve’s heart sunk into his stomach, yet he could somehow feel his heartbeat in his throat.  Those were some of the first things he was diagnosed with as a kid.  Did he pass those down to his child?!

“We’re going to keep Joseph here for a few days, just to get a clear reading on how healthy he is.  After we're done, you can take him home,” and with that, the doctor left. Steve was still in shock over what happened: he did this to his own son!

 The next day, you were allowed to leave the hospital, so Steve and Buck drove you home.  But, Joseph had to stay behind.  Once you got back, you immediately crashed, falling asleep the second you sat on the couch. Luckily, Bucky and Steve got you into your nightwear and tucked into bed.  Steve wanted to cuddle up to you and get some rest too, but the thought of Joseph all alone in that hospital kept him awake.  Bucky noticed how finicky and quiet Steve was, so he asked what was going on.

“Hey punk, why aren’t you in there with your wife?” he asked, sitting across from Steve at the modest little kitchen set. Steve just sat there, his forehead pressed against his clenched fists as if he had superpowers to make him forget what happened in the hospital.

“Buck… I inflicted my terrible health onto my child…” he muttered, saying it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Buck just scoffed, “c’mon, it’s not that bad, it’s just two health issues, it’s not as bad as it could have been,” he said, placing a friendly hand on Steve’s shoulder.  Steve pulled away from his touch, still refusing to lift his head out of his hands.  “If that were true, Joseph would be home right now, and not alone in a hospital nursery,” he pointed out, “if the only problems he had were the two the doctors initially found, he’d be here, safe, with us…”.

He had a point.  The doctors would have sent the poor kid home already if there weren’t more problems to fix or diagnose.  Bucky just gave a solemn nod, folding is hands on the table.  “He’ll be okay, pal,” Bucky consoled, looking down at his hands, “if he’s anything like his old man, Joseph will be more than fine,”. Steve smiled a little, but that didn’t make him feel too much better.

 Joseph was allowed to come back home after a week. And as Steve said, Joseph had more health problems than just asthma and heart palpitations.  He too had scoliosis, angina, and astigmatism.  It wasn’t the whole laundry list Steve had, but it was still more illnesses than a newborn, or any child for that matter, should have to deal with.

Once the little guy was home, he was never left alone again.  Steve was basically smothering him, he was around the kid so much.  Steve was always holding Joseph, always swaddling him, playing with him, feeding him; whenever Joseph started to fuss in the middle of the night, Steve would always get up and take care of it, no matter how early or late it was.  Steve was always with Joseph.

As sweet as it was, seeing Steve take such good care of his son, you never got to spend any time with the baby because of it. Steve didn't realize taking care of his son was keeping the baby from his own mother.  Really what Steve was trying to do, was make up to his wife and kid for causing Joseph so much pain.

“Stevie, sweetheart?  May I come in?” you asked gently, opening the door to the little nursery to enter.  Steve just smiled up at you from the rocking chair he was sitting in, “of course,” he smiled.  He was smiling, but you knew something was wrong.

Sitting on the little stool next to Steve, you peeked over at your baby boy, watching as he slept in his father’s arms.  Joseph was so tiny and precious, he looked just like his dad, save for his dark hair.  “You like to hang out with your dad, huh Jojo?” you laughed, watching the baby smile and gurgle at the question.

You didn’t quite know how to ask Steve what you wanted to, so you just went ahead and asked outright.  “Steve?  What’s going on?” you asked earnestly, letting Joseph wrap his tiny hands around your finger, “why have you been so attentive to Jojo?  I mean, it’s great!  You’re being such a responsible father!  But… why smother him?  I barely get to spend time with him...”.  Steve’s eyes went wide.  He had hoped you hadn’t noticed.

He let out a defeated sigh, knowing he couldn’t hide his feeling from you any longer.  “Joseph… he’s my son, I love him.  I never thought I’d ever even get a date with a girl, let alone have a family with one.  But… I never thought that I would hurt my son either…” he rambled, unable to find the right words to express himself.

You got worried.  Steve, hurt Jojo?  That was about as likely as pigs flying.  “How did you hurt Joseph?” you asked, curious as to how he’d answer.

Steve looked at you with glassy eyes, tears ready to spill, “his health… he’s got five different chronic illnesses because of me,” he whimpered, handing Joseph over to you; he couldn’t look at him, for fear of crying.  “He hasn’t even existed for a year, and I’ve already failed the kid!” Steve cried, his chest aching, “I’ve inflicted so much pain on him!  Whether it was intentional or not, I did this to our son!”.

You’re heart broke.  How could Steve think this way?  “Steven.  Steven listen to me,” you called, holding his chin so he’d make eye contact with you, “yes, Jojo has a few health problems because of you, problems he’ll have to deal with for the rest of his life.  But, you’re not a failure because of it.  Steve tried to look away and tune you out, but you forced him to listen.  “Steven, your son may have poor health because of you, but he’ll have strength because of you,” you smiled, cupping the side of Steve’s face, “he’ll have courage, he’ll be kind and smart, he’ll be safe and loved.  Sure, he’ll have a few more visits to the emergency room than most other kids, but he’ll know to value compassion and strong principles, just like you,”. Steve smiled a bright, genuine smile at your words.  “The only thing I hope he doesn’t inherit from you is your stupid habit of getting into fist fights,” you laughed.  He laughed along with you.

As a thank you, Steve pressed a soft, gentle kiss to your lips whispering, “thank you doll,” before getting up to let you sit in the rocking chair.  “You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted, and I can’t thank you enough,” he smiled, a small tint of blush running up his cheeks as he rubbed your shoulders gently, “but I’ll certainly try,”.

A/N: Part 2??  i actually REALLY liked writing this!

TAGLIST:

@bitchy-tacos @paranoid-borderline-insane @buckyshattergirl

[reptilerach]

“Rejection”; Chapter Seven

NOTES: Okay, so here’s the deal. I couldn’t think of an intuitive enough way to incorporate all medical conditions (such as asthma and eczema), so we’re just gonna have to stick to my original script: which is where the Reader has scoliosis. When I was writing this for myself, I wanted to include the struggles I’ve personally had throughout my life. Scoliosis being a major obstacle. This spinal condition will be brought up quite a bit in later chapters, so....yeah. Plays a decent-sized role in the Reader’s health.

Also, there will be a few dark themes in this one, so if you are afraid you’ll get triggered, then there’s your warning. (Don’t worry, there isn’t any gore! It’s just stuff like...well, you’ll see.) Enjoy!

______________________________________________________________

You backed up into a corner, but hit something fluffy. You froze, and bit your lip. You knew he was right behind you, because you felt the touch of his hoodie. So you whirled around, holding your breath- but no one was there. Your heart skipped a beat, and you really began to sweat. Your hands turned clammy, and your back ducked further into the wall. Suddenly, the lights flickered and he was standing right in front of you. You screamed, but he muffled your mouth with a skeletal hand quickly.

He was even scarier like this up close, and you could see his blue eye flaring wilder than earlier before. Your knees knocked against one another, and you gulped. Sans smiled evilly, just as you had did with Papyrus’s protection before he ditched you. “ya know, i thought we were getting along quite well until you went and decided to tease me.” Sans bluntly grumbled, and you showed a nervous smile. “We are! I was only kidding, Sans. Lighten up.” You tried to push him away from you, but he snapped his fingers and suddenly a huge weight was placed upon your shoulders.

Oh, come on! Not again! You wheezed for air, and Sans grinned. “if you are trying to piss me off, it’s working.” He growled, and raised his left hand. The fingers were outstretched, but in the light they looked like talons. You rolled your eyes. “I'm just trying to lighten to mood, dude. Have some fun around here. I know you need it.” You glared at him, and gained the strength to stand up straight.

Sans’ shit eating smile faltered, and he blinked. The blue in his eye was gone, but the feeling of being crushed remained. You beamed triumphantly, and pushed past him to the sink. When you got there, you splashed your face with water to help relax a little. Sans was gonna give you a heart attack sooner or later, with all the stress he puts on you physically and emotionally. Sans turned to face you, his hand still outstretched in case he wanted to prepare another attack. Right now, he was merely keeping you on an invisible leash.

He grunted, and folded his arms. “i have plenty of fun on a daily basis, thank you very much. i don’t need your pity.” The pressure on your shoulders didn't fade away. “Hey, ya mind laying off with the magic? My scoliosis can't take this amount of weight.” You blabbed about, when you suddenly shut your mouth. Dang it. Sans snapped awake, and peered at you with a great deal of inquiry. “‘’scoliosis’? what's that?” You buried your face in your hands, wanting to cry all over again when you got the news about your back.

“Do we really have to talk about it? It's kinda personal.” You pleaded, but Sans only smiled wider. “you heard some of my secret shit, now you hafta’ spill yours. it's gotta be good if you're this reluctant to tell me. besides, you brought it up-” “Alright, alright! Jeez!” You complained, and threw your hands up in the air. Sans smirked, and leaned back against the wall where you were just cornered. You rubbed your temples, and began to explain your condition.

“Scoliosis is a back problem where my spine isn't straight. It's curved like an ‘S’, and it hurts a lot when I don't wear my brace.” Sans looked completely confused, and instinctively rubbed his own spine. “that doesn't sound too bad. where’s your brace?” You groaned, and stood up to crack an ache that had grown into a tight knit behind you. “I don't need to wear it anymore. I wore it for 3-4 years, and it was awful. For the first year or two, I had to wear it 24/7.”

You gazed over to the short skeleton, who gave you a lazy smile. “what's wrong with that? this scoliosis sounds like it's a good thing. can be an excuse to get out of work.” You wanted to smack him, but only threw him a poisonous glare. “The brace was bulky, poked at your side like knives, and everyone would make fun of you!” You were on the verge of tears, and Sans instantly dropped his grin. He actually looked a little more concerned.

You wobbled on your feet uneasily, and grabbed a kitchen chair. You sat down in it, and decided to just let it all out. “‘Here comes Fatty (Y/N)!’ ‘Look at her, she's a screwed up girl who will never get anything done worthwhile in her life because of her disease!’” You choked on my words, and covered your mouth from sobbing completely. Sans stood still in the corner by the fridge, not daring to move.

Sans stared at the trembling human girl by the kitchen table. Her eyes were wide, tears almost about to slip off the edge and spill. Her hair was distraught, and her fingers were clenched white against her lips. He could barely hear what she was saying under her breath, but made out the words, “It’s not a disease… I'm not a monster….” Sans was slightly offended by the last part, but shook it off. Frisk did say that the humans on the Surface were a lot crueler than the monsters in the Underground.

Sans stepped towards (Y/N), and she flinched. But he kept going, until he was right beside her. She was panting heavily, and her shoulders were bouncing up and down from trauma. The skeleton frowned, and lifted a hand shakily outwards, until he stopped mid air. What was he doing? He barely knew this girl. She knows too much, and obviously isn't afraid to test Sans when she wanted. If he got too attached, he could get really hurt. Like what happened with Frisk. At first, he really did care for the human. But after countless resets, Sans had taught himself to not feel anymore.

However, now he was feeling something. Something strong; something that no one ever could give him besides Frisk. And even then the kid didn't provide efficiently. Sans felt sympathy for (Y/N), and knew how scared and depressed she must be living down here in this hell hole. She doesn't know her full capabilities, and probably misses her family on the Surface. if she’s even from there. Sans wanted to trust (Y/N), to be sure that she was a good person just dealing with intense emotional struggling. But he couldn't. He did the same for Frisk, and they failed him. And with emotional struggle, one would get to the point where they'd do anything to relieve themselves from some of the pain. Sans understood this perfectly.

You couldn't help yourself. You bawled your eyes out on that table, not caring what Sans was doing. All you knew was that he was standing right next to you, listening. Your depression and self wallowing came back, and you felt like kicking yourself for letting Sans take on some of your personal burdens. “Do you think it's been easy for me? My scoliosis is only scratching the surface of my problems. And I'm not just about to dump them all out on you. That's not fair to you. But still, you can't judge a person by a first impression, Sans! You can't just assume they're a bad person who wants to hurt people when really all they want to do is have someone to talk with. No friends….no support...it makes you feel all-” “suicidal.”

You whipped your head to him, and the whites in his eyes were gone. He seemed lost in a trance, and grimaced. He blinked his eyes back to normal after a few silent moments. You were stunned, and sniffled pathetically. You wiped your face, and snot covered your arm. You stood up to go to the sink to wash your gross arm, but something caught your left shoulder. It was Sans, and he was smiling sadly at you. You figured he understood what you were saying, since he had finished your sentence for you on the dot.

“(y/n). you aren't a monster, and you have friends. you have toriel, frisk, my brother, and me. we may be only part of a video game-” he paused, and you bit your lip anxiously, “-but it's better than nothing. the point is, you're here now. and you're a strong, healthy human. and although i have been judging you all day, from the way you act towards me and my brother to your sense of humor, i really do see how unique and good hearted your soul is.” You smiled, but your eyebrows drooped empathetically. Sans chuckled, and shook his head.

“i could tell from the moment i judged your soul in the forest, that we have many things in common. and although you can't see the future for this particular timeline-” He beamed a genuine smile, which made you chortle quietly, “i have a feeling that we were gonna be good friends. no matter how much to like to push my limits.” The two of you laughed, and it went without saying that if you were to ever turn on him and hurt his loved ones you were pretty much dead.

A strong sensation burned inside of you, and you decided to go along with it. You grabbed the skeleton by the blue of his jacket and pulled him in for a hug. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and he froze. But, after a few awkward seconds, he returned the embrace by placing his hands on the small of your back. You dipped your burning cheeks into his hoodie, and took a deep breath. The smoothness of his white bone rubbed against your temple, and the grooves from his hands tingled through your shirt. You could really get used to this. “we, uh… have a lot to talk about.” Sans murmured into your shoulder, and you nodded.

When you pulled away, you kept your hands on the 5-foot tall skeleton’s shoulders. He left his hands on your sides, and you laughed to ease the tension. “We all gouda, my bone-a- fide friend?” You giggled, and some hair fell into your face. You pushed it back, and Sans smirked like he just won the lotto. “i already used that.” You shrugged, and grinned. “Couldn't help myself; there was no use skulking around anyways.” Sans chuckled deeply, which pulled on your heartstrings. God, I’m screwed if he keeps that laugh up. It's making my heart get nervous… in a good way. You thought happily, gazing contently at his large, goofy smile. 

FIRST

PREVIOUS

NEXT

Chapter Ten (Where all the chapters before that are.)

Chapter Twenty (Links for Chapters 11 --> 19)

Chapter Thirty (Links for Chapters 21 --> 29)

[charis2770]

Author: This is a really hard post to write. A lot of you who are reading this already know a little bit of my story, if you follow any of my other blogs. It’s always been important to me not to come off sounding whiny to anyone, because my purpose in creating those blogs has nothing to do with personal gain in any way. I remember being young and confused about my sexuality and my desires. I remember my lack of education about BDSM causing me to make some mistakes that could have had disastrous results. A lot of my writing may be not much more than porn, and it’s definitely meant to entertain, but it’s a lot more than that too. On my blogs, it’s my fervent hope that people will learn something about how BDSM can and should work. That they won’t feel so alone, or feel like freaks, or allow themselves to be abused or taken advantage of. Those things will always be my main goals, and no matter what else happens, I hope to continue to be able to provide a safe haven for everyone to learn how kink should work when it’s done right, and how to keep themselves safe, and to be a place where they’ll be accepted and loved for who they really are.

But I’m going to tell my real story. When I was 22, I met a man. We discovered that we were both into BDSM. I was so excited! A big strong guy (yeah, okay, I admit it, men like Asami and Mike and Erwin and Thor are my weakness) who got off on Dominating his girl, and who made damn good money as an added bonus? I thought I’d found my fairy tale. For a long time, we were really happy. We explored our kinks together. The sex was amazing. We got married. 

Then his father’s illness got bad enough that they decided to dissolve their company. He thought finding a new job would be easy. At the same time, I discovered I was pregnant. We’d been married less than 6 months. And he couldn’t find a job. He started painting houses during the day and waiting tables at night. He was a hard worker. But the stress started showing his true colors. He had a temper, and stress brought it out. By the time our daughter was born, I’d learned to be afraid of him. We still had good times. He got a great job back in the city where I’d grown up. Being close to my parents helped. He could go out drinking all he wanted, and I wouldn’t be alone with the baby because my Mom is the best, and lived for being a Grandmother. But it kept getting worse. He decided I didn’t need a safeword because “we knew each other so well.” He’d “punish” me under the guise of consensual BDSM whenever he felt like I’d messed up. He wanted an open marriage. I was cool with it. Partly because I honestly don’t have a jealous bone in my body, and partly because it meant he spent less time with me. It was fine until I found someone I was interested in too. Then he turned into a jealous, angry monster. 

During that time, I learned I could be a pretty great Top, and started exploring that part of myself. I got really good. My experience as a sub gave me an empathetic connection with my submissive play partners. Since he controlled all the money, I took several people’s suggestions and tried out being a ProDomme. I was good at that too. My home town wasn’t exactly a hotbed for clients, but I was able to make a little extra money of my own. He hated it, and the verbal, physical and sexual abuse got worse. Then I realized how scared my daughter was. All the time. For her, I was able to do something I couldn’t have done for myself. We moved in with my mother. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had not, and if it hadn’t been for my child, I would have died soon if I hadn’t left. The divorce was hell. We met, and agreed not to bring up the BDSM because he told me the courts might take our child from both o us. I agreed. He outed me. So he got to keep shared custody. And proceeded to abuse our child to the point where they ended up in a psychiatric hospital at age 14. That was just the first stay. There have been several others. It was a long process, but they’re working so hard to be stable, and live the life they choose. They only see him now when they choose to, but the damage he did to both of us will last for the rest of our lives. 

On our own, it started to get harder and harder for me to provide for us. With shared custody, there’s little to no child support. My body began to fall apart. Back in 1988, I was in a major car accident in our family truck on January 2. I was driving. I sustained a multiple compound fracture to my right femur, literally erased my nose on the steering wheel (there was nothing but a hole in my face where my nose had been) and serious brain damage. My 15 year old sister was killed. By me. It was an accident, but I still don’t remember how it happened. My parents tried not to blame me, and they did a good job not showing it. But that’s the kind of thing that never leaves you. And now, as I get older (I’m 47 now), the effects of that accident are still taking their toll. I have severe scoliosis that was worsened by the wreck. I have 4 herniated disks, general osteoarthritis, facet syndrome (the small spines the stick out the sides of the lower vertebrae start to lose their connective tissue and bone starts to grind on bone), sacroiliac joint arthritis, and bursitis in my right hip. I have to take 50 mg of morphine twice a day, 7.5 mg of percocet three times a day, and 4 mg of tizanidine (a muscle relaxant) three times a day just to avoid screaming in agony. They don’t help a lot, but they keep me sane. I’m dependent on the drugs. I hate it, but most of my conditions have no treatment. I can’t drive, can’t do chores, and can’t work. I’m trying to get on SSI benefits, but it’s a lengthy process and I’ve already been turned down once. I’ve also lost my medicaid, and am trying desperately to get accepted back into the program. WIthout my meds, I could go into cardiac arrest from the withdrawal symptoms and die. 

The one bright side to all of this is that a couple of years ago, one of my followers messaged me with a suggestion about a story she hesitantly asked if she could write with me. I agreed, and we began to communicate. A friendship formed. She flew out to visit because she wanted to meet me in person. I just had a hunch she was someone special, and I was right. She’d come from a pretty rough background herself, having been raised Mormon and having had her family’s religion used as an excuse to abuse her in many ways. She wanted out of Utah so badly, but was too scared to just randomly move to a strange place where she knew no one. During a single two-week visit, we already felt like family. She decided that here with me was where she was meant to be, and he spouse agreed. They moved here, and in with my child and I. She is now my collared, live-in sub, and has become a sister to my genderfluid offspring. All three of the people who live with me work their asses off, but it’s not enough to support all of us, cover our medical expenses, and take care of all our needs. 

It kills me that I can’t contribute. I’m the kind of person who needs to take care of people. I love being able to help my followers. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. It’s almost impossible to describe how painful it is to be able to help people I’ve never met but to be useless to my own family. I’m here for them to talk to, but when finances are our biggest problem, I’m no help at all.

That’s the reason for my Patreon. I’m not trying to get rich. I’m never going to spend your hard-earned money on frivolous or selfish things. I want to be able to keep the power on another day. I want us to not have to choose between electricity and having enough to eat that day. I’ve found I can’t promote my Patreon on AO3 anymore, so I’ve created this blog as a place I can direct people to try to explain why this is so important to me. I hate sharing this story that sounds so pitiful. I do have documentation to prove that every word of it is true. I’m not making it up to try to make people feel sorry for me. I need your help. I hate asking for it. I want to be a whole person who can have a job and put money in the bank. But my writing is all I have. Even if you can spare just one dollar a month, you’ll be helping me support my family in a way I haven’t been able to in a long time. It’s humiliating to ask, but my family’s welfare is more important to me than my pride. 

So if you like the work I’m doing, I ask that you check out my Patreon and see if there’s a way you can help. It’s set up for monthly pledges, but one-time contributions are an option too, as are story commissions. I’ll be posting some of my drabbles from my blogs and other ideas here as well, so you can experience pieces of my work I don’t publish on AO3 if you’re not a follower of any of my blogs. If you can help in any way, you will have my undying gratitude.

All my love,

Heather

[artificialqueens]

saint in the city ch.2 (katlaska) - comeapart

a/n: angst angst angst and also smut. i write the blues so you don’t have to. i should’ve specified before that alaska is a orthopaedic clinical nurse specialist and katya is the head (trauma) surgeon. it’s becoming more increasingly clear that my interests in both drag queens and medicine are clashing. (ch.1 here)

If Alaska had to rank her ideas from the smartest to the stupidest, this was a solid eight. But realistically, changing her scrubs to reveal more cleavage wasn’t that bad. Changing her bra might’ve been, but she had to compensate. If she didn’t have long blonde hair and eyebrows arched to the heavens, people pointed out the androgyny that stayed in her features and form. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but years of public school bullying and the unfortunate term long phase where she only wore fishing boots and boy clothes didn’t exactly give her confidence.

She knocked twice. The fact that she had put thought into it was almost embarrassing, but she was always embarrassing. Having a crush just made it more obvious. She let herself in quietly, smiling and waving her hand as she looked over. Katya was sat alone behind her desk, a cling-film wrapped sandwich balanced carefully on a binder and a paper cup that was now empty balanced on the edge, with files lining the small space between her and her computer. Alaska probably stopped breathing for a second there.

“Yes?” Katya hummed, not even bothering to look up from the notes she was making. Even in the simplest of conversation, she had an accent. Alaska was a sucker for accents, and Russian was one of the prettiest languages she could imagine, if she was the kind of person with enough concentration to actually learn a language and not just get into it because it sounded hot in that one foreign porn Willam had sent her. Actually, the more she thought about it, the more she suspected Willam had seen Katya earlier. The cup matched the one Willam had brought her when she came to collect the theatre appointments, and it wasn’t from the same floor they were on either.

“Hi, Katya.”

“Oh,” she said, head still tilted down to focus on her paperwork, “Hello.” She was still frowning slightly, a crease showing between her eyebrows, which Alaska very carefully chose to believe was a reaction to her work and not to her presence. She could’ve missed it at a different angle, with her fringe carefully covering it.

“I have referrals for you,” Alaska said quietly, handing over the two files. “Spine and a leg. Willam said she wanted you to have it. The spine is Scout Jefferson. She’s a sixteen-year old girl with adolescent scoliosis, with a history of hand numbness,  intermittent pyrexia and weight loss of ten pounds. The MRI revealed that her spine has been getting worse, and over the span of two months, it’s had an increased curve. I- well, my team and I - think that she’s a candidate for surgery.”

“Sixteen… Are you sure?” Katya asked, opening the file up and deciding to completely ignore the other that she had left on the desk. Somehow, Alaska could imagine that Willam would end up with that case later.

Alaska kept her smile, even though she knew that Katya was doubting her ability to judge. She liked Katya a lot, but she did wish that she hadn’t picked up the habit of implying that she rushed into things. She knew what she had to do. She wouldn’t have gotten her job on levels of incompetence. “I’m sure,” she nodded, watching as Katya put the file to the side and looked up at her properly for the first time all day.

“Okay. I’ll give her details to my secretary.”

“Thank you,” Alaska said carefully, standing up. At the doorway she paused for a moment, biting her lip and taking another shot in the dark, “I don’t know if you want to, but on Friday, Willam and Courtney and I are going to see the Harry Potter movie, and if you wanted to, or if you like, uh, liked-”

“I don’t care about Harry Potter,” Katya said, looking back down at the files on her desk. Alaska hated how she was completely unreadable, and she wished that she could master that expression too. She was too expressive, and she cared too much. She could feel her face fall, and that made her even more self conscious. Ever since Sharon, she had cared a little too much about things that nobody else noticed. She was embarrassing.

“Okay,” she murmured, letting herself out of the room. “Bye, Katya.”

*

By Friday, Alaska realised with a sense of survival and pride in her around half past seven that she was nearly done. She was overworked, but the four days off to follow would give her a second to recover. It didn’t even matter that she was on call for two of the days, because the idea of her bed was more than enough to keep her going. She had to stop wearing heels to work, because it killed her back. She got the discharges complete, dropping them off at Bianca’s desk, and snuck out of the back before anyone could stop her and ask her to do something, secretly thankful that Bianca wasn’t hovering with a last minute admission to process. Alaska was barely awake enough to actually manage. The amount of hours she had clocked up over the week were more than enough to cover the desperate need for a shopping trip at somewhere fancy and expensive over the weekend, and she knew that she would be able to get Willam to come with.

She checked her phone on her way out. It was 8:11, which felt early. She normally left around 9 or 10, sometimes later if needed. She wasn’t going to get in trouble for leaving, but she still managed to feel perpetual anxiety as she walked across the car park, scared that Bianca was going to track her down and tell her to come back. It wasn’t until she was halfway home until she actually let herself breathe, stretching out and turning the heat up in her shitty car. She wasn’t on call, and unless there was a genuine emergency, she was free until Wednesday eight AM.

She decided against stopping on her way back to get fresh food, making a mental note to text Willam and Courtney and guilt one of them into getting the groceries. She would just stop at the gas station on her way home, buy a jumbo pack of Cheetos, and feel a ridiculous amount of self pity as she ate them all in her bed. At the checkout, she picked up a bottle of fancy wine that she couldn’t pronounce the name of and a pack of menthols. The thought of being able to sleep for a whole four days straight was amazing, even if she’d managed to get scheduled for the entire weekend next week.

Once she was back, she dumped her things in her room and went to check the other rooms. Courtney and Willam were still at work, probably busy with work or finding somewhere to make out. She texted Willam with ‘guess where i am bitch’ in order to properly gloat. She put on Cyndi Lauper as loud as she could get away with at quarter to nine, stripping down to her underwear and deciding to shower. Willam wouldn’t be back until at least midnight, and Courtney was too nice to leave Willam alone at work, so she would pick up whatever hours she needed to stay with her.

When Alaska had first moved out to New York, she had come out and gone to college, living in shitty half-student accommodation that had managed to stay with her the entire way through med school. Her next apartment hadn’t been much better, with thinner walls and cheaper rent, and the third had been shared with Sharon, which was a change that she had never really been able to get used to. She was earning more than enough to live alone, in a nice place as well, but after she had lived with Sharon, she wasn’t able to switch back to being alone. Especially after the situation that relationship had left her with, with Courtney forcing her into bed rest to heal her wounds. It only made sense that she moved in as a third wheel, and saved all of them a lot of money. The best part about the shared apartment was that she only knew what Willam and Courtney sounded like having sex, and none of her other neighbours.

She changed into clean underwear once she was done in the shower, letting her hair fall to her back and not bothering to brush out the messy ringlets that were now showing through as she moved to the couch. She flicked through the endless channels that Willam paid for, settling on an episode of Scrubs. Courtney loved to poke fun at her for her choice in TV, because it was ridiculous that she worked full time at a hospital and then got home to watch shows about hospitals, but Alaska thought it was hilarious, and that JD was cute. She wanted Turk and JD to date, but she had seen it through hundreds of times, and knew that it wasn’t a realistic expectation. When people died, they played a sad song and then the credits rolled, and it was a nice change to hearing how things were going down in the hospital morgue from one of Courtney’s friends. Besides, Dr Cox was awesome, and no matter what Willam and Courtney said, she didn’t remind Alaska of anyone and they were dirty liars.

She stayed up a lot later than she had actually planned to, considering she had been ready to crash at any given moment a few hours ago. It was nearly one am when the doorbell rang, and Alaska nearly dropped the half-empty packet of Cheetos down herself. Willam hadn’t given her the warning text, so it couldn’t have been her roommates, and besides, they both had keys. Sometimes Sharon would try to come over, but after the very loud fight she had had with Courtney, Alaska was pretty sure that it wasn’t her. The doorbell rang again, with more urgency, before someone was actually knocking on her door.

She stood up, pulling on one of Willam’s hoodies and zipping it up to give herself some dignity before going to answer the door. She wished she had actually put on clothes after showering, but she liked to air dry. She was just going to send whoever it was away, anyway, unless it was someone who actually lived with her. She readjusted her bra a little, making sure the sheer fabric actually covered her up before leaning down and looking through the peephole. She nearly fell backwards trying to step back, shocked. Katya Zamolodchikova was outside of her door, her arms folded tightly over her chest and her nails tapping against her arm as she waited.

Alaska sighed, realising that her look was probably the least subtle thing possible before opening the door. “Hieee,” she hummed, watching as Katya turned to look at her. Alaska looked her up and down twice before raising a brow, biting her lip. Katya looked as if she hadn’t slept in a week, with her hair sticking up in every direction possible, and her eyes dark and lined with heavy bags. “Shit… are you okay?”

Katya nodded, clearly ignoring the actual question as she looked down at Alaska, trying not to stare at her impossibly long legs and the fact that she wasn’t wearing pants. The hoodie that she had put on barely covered the top of her thighs, and the panties that she was wearing barely managed to cover her dignity. Her parents would probably have killed her if they knew their perfect daughter had turned out like this. “Can I come in?” She asked, looking up at Alaska properly for the first time in what must’ve been years.

Alaska stepped aside, and Katya came in with the same jagged movements that showed in her look, her whole person lacking composure. It was like she wasn’t sure how to react to Alaska, like there was fear, or maybe regret. Alaska had never seen this side of Katya, with every single move she had ever seen calculated and cool and incredibly controlled. She looked down, and Katya’s hands were shaking, completely different to what she knew from the surgeon.

“Girl… What happened?” Alaska asked quietly, shutting the door behind them and looking up at her. Katya turned around, but didn’t respond. Instead, she moved forward, taking her hips, pushing Alaska tight up against the door and kissed her.

Alaska tried not to overreact. She really did. Out of all the possible explanations she could’ve thought of for Katya appearing at her door, this wasn’t the one she expected. At this point, she had completely accepted that Katya wasn’t into her, and the fantasy of her actually realising that she was head over heels for Alaska was completely unrealistic. Katya’s mouth was hot and hard and desperate and demanding, and she closed her hands around Alaska’s hips and dug her nails in deep.

“Hey- hey,” Alaska breathed, pulling back and trying to look at her, breaking away for a moment, “What are you-”

“Don’t,” Katya said, her accent thick as she kissed her again, nipping at her bottom lip. “C’mon, you want this. Don’t you want this?” The last was more of an agreement, Alaska kissing back in response, because yes, yeah, she had definitely wanted this. She had wanted this for years, since she had first seen Katya, and she was helpless under her touch. Katya was rocking her hips up against Alaska, and Alaska was fully prepared to wake up at any given moment. This was the stuff her wet dreams were made of. Alaska let out a little noise, moving her hand up to cup Katya’s face and into her hair, and Katya made what could only be described as a growling sound from her throat, tightening her fingers in the soft fabric of Willam’s hoodie, moving to pull the zip down and helping her shrug it off without once breaking the kiss.

“Where’s your bedroom?” Katya breathed, and Alaska had to stop herself from freaking out, because they were really actually definitely doing this, then. Alaska had sort of thought that if one day this ever happened, it would be after a stupid cheesy date with Katya where they talked shit on the food and tipped way too much, and it would actually be at Katya’s because Willam and Courtney lived with Alaska and that was too risky normally to bring back trade. But at the same time, she had been waiting and wanting for four years, and she didn’t really have any idea how that kind of relationship would’ve worked out considering. She pushed away from the wall, fumbling with the buttons on Katya’s work shirt and then at her pants, leading her through to her bedroom and suddenly hoping that she hadn’t left scrubs everywhere. She had a habit of trashing the place when she wasn’t expecting company.

She caught Alaska by surprise when she pushed her pants down, their mouths still caught together in a kiss, with Alaska’s arms pulled tightly around her neck, as close as she could get. It was another shock to step forward and realise that Katya had discarded her own underwear somewhere along the line, with nothing between them except Alaska’s stupid sheer bralette and a couple of ugly block bracelets that she had put on to fiddle with while she watched TV.

In the bedroom, they stood and kissed for a while, Katya’s hands firm on Alaska’s hips and dragging her in as closely as she could. Then Katya pulled away ever so slightly, mumbling into Alaska’s mouth, “I want to fuck you,” her breath hot against Alaska’s mouth. Alaska turned her head slightly, soft moans already threatening their way out as she gasped, letting Katya suck hot kisses down the line of her throat, not hard enough. Katya was too gentle, treating her like a princess, and it wasn’t fair.

“Alaska,” Katya mumbled, kissing her collarbone gently as she looked up, bringing Alaska back to the moment.

“Yeah, uh, yeah. Of course,” Alaska said, trying to regain some composure as she looked down, catching Katya’s smile and biting her lip. That must’ve been the first time she had actually seen any real emotion on her face, something real and something that wasn’t icy. And it was all for Alaska, at least for a night.

*

Alaska twisted and moved under Katya’s touch, pressing up against Katya’s fingers and ah, fuck, Katya was good at this. She was well practised, and it made Alaska remember that she was one of many. This was only special to her. Alaska wrapped one arm up around Katya’s back, pressing her hand against the skin between her shoulder blades, and lifted her head up again to look up at her with heavy lids, straining until Katya leaned down and kissed her again, leaning down against her and almost crushing her as she moved.

“Hey, Katya-” Alaska breathed out, because Katya wouldn’t fucking stop, desperate and determined to find every corner of Alaska’s mouth with her own. “Katya, baby, are you al-”

“I’m fine,” Katya nearly hissed, moving back and readjusting her position before pulling Alaska in closer and starting to move her hand at the perfect angle with the same defined desperation, making Alaska moan out again and again beneath her. Alaska hadn’t realised, but Katya was getting herself off too, hand moving and synchronised with what she was doing to Alaska, and her breathing was starting to get ragged too. Before she could even offer to try and help, Katya’s hips were jerking forward and she slumped forward into Alaska’s shoulder, mumbling curse words in a language that Alaska couldn’t recognise against her skin.

Alaska barely had time to feel disappointed, though, as Katya was moving down and kissing her in all the right places on her way, slicking her tongue over the wetness, and that was it, Alaska was long gone. She arched her back and let out a soft whine of something incoherent, which was comforting as she was pretty sure that anything she could have possibly said would not have been appropriate for first time sex, relaxing her whole body back into the mattress. Katya pulled away, clearly not too worried with the situation as she swallowed, looking up at Alaska and smiling again. She was going to have to remember that for when Katya inevitably started ignoring her again, treating her as she always had.

Alaska reached out to try and pet the side of her face, but missed, instead clumsily patting at her neck and mumbling out a “Sorry,” before putting her hand back over her stomach carefully, suddenly aware of how naked she actually was. She hadn’t even taken her bra off, but it hid nothing, so it was almost like she wasn’t even wearing a bra.

Katya shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said, moving up on the bed again and lying down next to Alaska. It felt like something out of a dream. Katya was lying in Alaska’s bed, stretched out and beautiful and everything she had ever imagined from the woman beside her. Alaska reached out absently, running her nail along the bumps in Katya’s spine without paying any attention, bringing out a slight shiver and the question, “Can I stay here tonight?”

“Um,” Alaska said, ever so slightly confused. Katya had never once implied that she would ever want to spend time with her outside of necessary bounds. “Of course.”

They both moved, levering themselves under the blankets and stretching as Alaska turned off the light. Katya laid on her stomach, face turned so that she wasn’t looking at Alaska, but she didn’t complain when Alaska moved and curled up against her side, nuzzling as closely as possible into her forearm. She hadn’t pegged Katya as the kind to pass out immediately after sex, but she didn’t really mind. She had Katya Zamolodchikova naked and asleep in her bed, with her body still mildly aroused and her mouth still pleasantly tingling. They could find time to talk in the morning.

*

She was almost asleep too when her phone rang, inside her work trousers where she had left them across the room after getting home. For a moment, she didn’t move, before realising that something could’ve happened. The awful thing about working at a hospital was that human error was all too real, and that any patient she had could get seriously injured, could be taken in after an accident and end up in critical, or worse. She forced herself up out of the bed, leaving Katya asleep in her bed as she took the phone and walked into the bathroom, flipping the switch so that she could stare at herself in the mirror while she talked.

The phone flashed up as Willam, and she blinked twice before actually registering it. Willam never called with hospital business, considering they lived together, but it was nearly two in the morning and Alaska couldn’t think of any other reason as to why she was calling. She picked up and answered, keeping her voice low and looking back out at the bed. Katya still hadn’t even so much as twitched.

“Lasky, girl, have you seen Katya?” Willam asked, worry lacing her voice. Willam, who never spoke fast, was actually rushing her words. Alaska could feel her throat tighten.

“Um.” Alaska mumbled, looking at the bed again and pulling her arm over her body, trying to cover up. “Why?”

“The- Fuck, I’m definitely not supposed to tell you this, but who gives a shit? We live together, you’d find out somehow.” Willam started, and Alaska felt a little relief at the fact she still had some of her basic qualities to her. “The ER was short tonight, so they sent Katya down, and there was this girl with a case of swine flu. She was like, four years old, but her parents didn’t realise what had happened until it was late. The- Katya was there almost immediately, but the girl died.”

Alaska could feel the room getting colder around her, and she suddenly felt ill. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Willam sighed. She sounded tired, and Alaska could imagine. She’d been sent to the ER before, and some of the things she had experienced had changed her as a person. She could almost see Willam, pushing the ridiculous bouncy hair back and pacing around the room. “I guess Katya isn’t used to seeing death outside of surgery, I, uh, I guess? She took off quickly. I’m worried she’s going to have done something stupid, Trixie can’t even get hold of her.”

Too late, Alaska thought miserably, staring down at the sink. She wanted to wash her hands, or maybe drown herself. “I’m- I don’t, I’m sure she’s fine. She wouldn’t come to me anyway.” It wasn’t like she could admit this anyway, not for a few days. She would need a lot of wine and Courtney to talk her through what happened, and exactly why it wasn’t worth killing herself over.

“Yeah, I know. We’re all just worried. Sorry, baby, go back to sleep. Me and Court probably won’t be home till early,” Willam sighed.

“Bye,” Alaska mumbled, standing motionlessly for a moment as she watched Katya move in her sleep, tossing her head restlessly for a moment. A moment earlier, and this would’ve been amazing. Everything would have been okay, and Katya wouldn’t have still been the ultimate problem area in the complex life of Alaska Thunder.

After what felt like a lifetime, she crossed back into her bedroom and found new underwear, putting it on and wincing ever so slightly before she climbed back into the bed. Katya was stirring in her sleep, reaching around and mumbling things in hushed Russian. If nursing had taught Alaska anything, it was that warmth was good for shock, and she moved in close to her and let her adjust as she liked. She could deal with her own guilt later. For now, she had to think of Katya, and pretend that she had never gotten the call.

[dorothyd89]

Why You’re Not in Shape (Yet)

“Why can’t I do this? I know what I need to do to get in shape, and I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve yo-yo’d for years.”

I’ve been running Nerd Fitness for 8 years now (holy crap), and I have seen some of the most dramatic success stories from people of all walks of life that give me the biggest smile.

Single moms working two jobs, married couples that got in shape together, people who have been overweight their entire lives, and others who began powerlifting at the age of 50.

In that same time, however, I have seen tons of people who have been reading NF for years and struggled to find success. They might succeed for a short amount of time, or even a few months, before backsliding into old habits, and they just can’t seem to make things stick.

What’s interesting is that with both groups, they knew what they needed to do: more vegetables, more movement, less junk food, fewer calories on average, and a healthy exercise routine.

This wasn’t surprising: we all know what we need to do to get fit. So what separates the group of people who have fundamentally changed their lives and become new people from the other group who continue to struggle with little to no results?

I was curious, so about a month ago I sent a survey out to NF Rebels asking them for their honest answers on why they have (or haven’t) succeeded, and the responses really surprised me.

For starters, we had over 10,000 responses with people pouring out their hearts, proudly proclaiming their successes, or honestly sharing why they believed they hadn’t found their path quite yet.

About 25% of the responses came in saying they had made permanent changes, while the other 75% were still working on making enough progress and building enough momentum to make changes permanently.

So, why is it that some are kicking ass, and others are still warming up their kicking legs?

Newsflash: You Are Not A Unique Snowflake

You are not a unique snowflake.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not saying that your problems aren’t real! But I mean that we all have baggage that we are dealing with:

Some people are working crappy jobs with bad hours.

Some people are working multiple jobs.

Some people are raising children on their own.

Some people have genetic challenges thanks to unhealthy parents or medical conditions.

Some people are struggling with behavioral or psychological challenges that sabotage any efforts to live healthier lives.

Some people just feel down and out, like they can’t change because they’ve lived this way for so long.

These are all VERY real problems that can help explain why people haven’t succeeded. These are the things we all grapple with (in different amounts) every day. However, I noticed something when studying the answers of people who were struggling to get results.

People who weren’t seeing the results they wanted wrote that many of their issues were UNIQUE to them.

So often we think our problems are special, unique challenges we’re facing. We feel like we’re in a boss battle with no hope, fighting an overpowering beast with no weaknesses. “I can’t succeed because of [insert VALID and REAL excuse here].”

We feel powerless trying to stand up to the momentum of our lives. Reading through the thousands upon thousands of responses we received, we saw the SAME things over and over again. It felt like an episode of Black Mirror – everyone feeling so alone, but they’re all fighting the same bad guys.

Here’s a word cloud of the responses: the bigger the words, the more often it was mentioned.

When we asked the question: “Why do you think you haven’t achieved success yet?

Some people assigned blame to the physical things in their life: “my job” or “my kids” or “my medical condition.” Others went down a level, and tried to explain their root feeling:

I get bored and then find excuses not to do it even when I know I should.

I have no accountability for when I mess up my healthy routine.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and I get frustrated very easily when I don’t see immediate gratification.

It’s hard to say…Probably energy and motivation.

I find it really easy to lose my momentum – I’ll start an exercise plan, but then if I get sick or some personal family drama comes up, or a million other things that throw a wrench in my planned schedule, then everything unravels very quickly and no progress is made.

I haven’t set myself up for success; there’s no discipline to leave my comfort zone.

I believe that I am scared to change, so my commitment to starting to eat better is pretty much nonexistent, leaving me with no motivation to succeed.

I feel defeated before I even start. Hate to exercise. I stress eat.

Most us feel like this: we’re so sure of our situation. Sure that we’re doomed. Sure that there’s no hope. Sure that we know what there is to know. We feel beaten. We feel buried.

We feel like Sisyphus, climbing a never ending mountain with a boulder too large to bear. Like we don’t have time. Like our kids have to come first, and we can take care of ourselves later. Like we lack motivation.

Like we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we want to do, and that’s just the way it is. It feels like an insurmountable battle that we can’t win.

And then something happens.

Newsflash: Somebody with your challenges HAS succeeded before!

With 10,000 responses, I saw something powerful in the messages from people who HAD succeeded.

Everyone has their own set of unique problems, but we saw it was the same 10 or so problems in different amounts, over and over again.

Those who succeeded ALSO have their unique mix of baggage. They also work shitty jobs. They don’t have a lot of time. They struggle with mental health issues. They are single, divorced, and raising kids.

They have bad parents and unhealthy habits. They love to eat junk food and struggle with motivation. The things that kept them unhealthy before are NO different than the things that keep the other 75% unhealthy.

So what’s so different between those who succeed and those who don’t?

There’s a few key things that happen:

There’s no drastic declaration. Life changes just a little bit. A small win here and there. Or they wake up one day and do one thing. And then do that one thing again.

They kept at it. Some people we heard from had to fight through 10 boss battles in order to find the solution and final habits that worked for them. Some people had larger, longer boss fights.

They start to see cracks in their previous “limited mindset” of themselves. “Hey, look! I DID do something and changed. Maybe this time CAN be different…”

Instead of seeing excuses as to WHY they aren’t in shape (“I can’t find success because [insert valid excuse here].”), they instead see those things as obstacles to overcome (“Okay, I have [insert same valid excuse]. What steps can I take to overcome it?”). They stop believing their own excuses and start to step up to the plate.

These small victories build momentum. Changes become permanent slowly over time.

As one Rebel replied, “Once you find a rhythm, it’s not actually that hard. And it feels sustainable.”

Now, I hear ya. If it seems like there is a LOT in your way, it might seem unsustainable. A dream.

But remember, that person who said “it’s actually not that hard” was surprised. For years and years, it WAS hard. They didn’t believe they could change…until they found a rhythm of small changes and had the epiphany: “WOW!” Until then, they were part of the “still searching” group. They found some momentum and started to see how change really happens.

Remember, we’re all in this together. What if there was someone in this Rebellion, with a life just like yours, who found a way to slay the final boss?

Your reasons ARE valid. They are a real part of your life. However, we have to acknowledge them and move beyond them to see any lasting results. That’s what it means to change. 

But if someone else with your same types of challenges (from genetic, to habits, to job and family) has succeeded, MAYBE there is a path to success if you attack it the right way! If they can change, you can too.

Yup, even with the shit you’re dealing with in your life. With your disadvantages. With your limitations. Yup, even with the limited amount of time you have.

This response in particular really jumped out at me. I GUARANTEE you can relate to this:

The biggest surprise is that it was possible in the first place. You spend your whole life thinking “I can’t do that, I can’t get up in front of people and tell them things.” And then you take a class and you start doing it and suddenly you can get up and give a speech.

You spend your whole life thinking “I’m a quitter, I can’t finish anything to completion let alone actually build (and keep!) healthy habits” and then you just decide to start and suddenly you’re on day five and you know you can exercise every day for a week, and then you’re on day 27 and you know you can make it to the end of the month, and then you’re on day 42 and you know you can do this for the rest of your life because it’s changing you, it’s changing who you are.

Your back is straightening out for the first time since you were a child, your scoliosis is fading away, you relish the sore muscles, and you know you can do this.

Read that response again. This is somebody who had told themselves all their life that they couldn’t do things, and success was light-years away. So they stopped worrying about light-years and instead just did the things they could control that DAY. Then that somehow became Day 5, which became day 27 and then day 42 and then counting was no longer necessary because it just became part of their new persona.

This is a brand new person. And change happened so slowly and in such small ways that it wasn’t until they looked back months later and said “holy crap, I’m a different person! That was easier than expected.”

Your success will come as a surprise to you.

Response after response from the people who HAD made permanent changes stick used the same word over and over – it was “surprising” how it happened.

You see, when we have lost hope, we can’t even imagine eating healthy and working out feeling fun. So when we give half-efforted attempt, we use the lack of success to reinforce our mindset of, “this won’t work…I’m doomed.” It’s easier to tell ourselves, “This is the way it is.”

But then you find a tiny bit of success, and cracks start to form: “Maybe I DON’T know everything. Maybe… Maybe change is possible.” And we develop a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we were wrong, and we weren’t seeing the whole picture before.

And we all know how powerful hope is. After all, Rebellions are built on hope, right?

And that tiny bit of hope combined with a little bit of action, repeatedly, eventually results in surprising, drastic change when we don’t even realize it.

We asked what surprised those of you who have found success:

I’m happier!

Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine. How I started liking foods that used to be absolutely disgusting, but now help me further my goals of becoming stronger. Also now I can run off walls and jump off any set of stairs and continue dashing like a free-running freak. That’s nice, too.

How much of a mental game fitness really is. Mind and body are truly linked.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Might sound cheesy but it feels good to feel good. Once you accept you are progressing at your own pace, that there will be ups and downs and not let them affect you as much as before, everything is becoming so much easier.

I feel lighter and more free.

Sitting there believing deep down you can’t change – that your problems are unique – is the very thing that needs to be looked at carefully in order to change. If you are part of the 75% who say you haven’t had success (yet), who just want to get rid of some belly fat, have some more energy in the day, fit into size 8 pants, feel comfortable in your own skin, who just want to be happy….

We have a message for you:

It IS possible, and it is absolutely worth it.

I want this for you so badly, because I’ve seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people in this community. A switch flips, they start to believe, and they then look back months/years later and discover just how much they have changed.

What will be different this year?

Most of us know what to do already. We know we need to eat less and move more. We know we need to change our relationship with food. We know we need to exercise more. At the 4,000 foot level, we get it.

As Morpheus tells Neo, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Ultimately, only through action can we understand how change really happens. But remember that we are all in this together: fighting against an entire world that seems designed to keep us down.

Looking through responses from thousands of people DID see lasting success with healthy habit changes, I noticed 5 big patterns repeating:

A growth mindset rather than a limited mindset.

Focus on the day to day habit building.

Not relying on motivation.

The right environment.

They started.

Let’s dig into those a bit more:

1) GROWTH MINDSET – The feeling that change isn’t really possible often sneaks up on us: “I ran on a treadmill and starved myself and I hate my life. I cannot get in shape.”

But when we looked through people who had success, they seemed to view that same event in a different way: “Okay, that didn’t work. Maybe this time I’ll try something different, like eating some more vegetables and going for a walk. I can do that.”

These people told us that they had to make a perspective shift:

“I have kids and a tough job and no time. I can’t get in shape.” becomes “Okay I have kids and a tough job and no time. What CAN I do with these limitations? I shall try that.”

Often, this involves needing to give ourselves a break. We DO have a lot of limitations and a lot of challenges to overcome. We should look clearly at them, acknowledge them, and then acknowledge that we are worthy of change and deserving of a better life. So, let’s work for it.

We then start to see previous attempts at getting fit as just that: attempts, not failures.

I loved this response too: How did you succeed? “By forgiving myself when I mess up but not letting it take over and sabotaging my quest.”

You didn’t fail, you don’t need to feel shame. You tried something, it didn’t work. Move onto the next one. You don’t need to feel guilt or self-loathing. You can change right now. Today.

Sometimes when I work on a puzzle game, I feel stupid when I can’t get it. But when I finally crack it, there’s no guilt or shame. I just change my behavior because I understand how to solve it now.

People who found their path to success said that more permanent changes didn’t get weighed down by their failures or missteps, but instead they turned them into opportunity to find what COULD work given their situation.

2) DAY TO DAY HABITS: The journey to Mordor happens one step at a time.

We cannot control what happened to us yesterday. We cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can only control our actions today.

This realization is something we heard again and again from those who found success. Like this response:

“I broke goals down in very small steps and made each step ridiculously easy to accomplish.

And it makes sense: We look at our lives… the weight we have to lose. The effort that change will take. How behind we feel… and we feel this dread and impossibility. It’s paralyzing. And that’s where the surprise comes in from those who actually start walking, taking one step at a time… it really is shocking how it becomes effortless.

Just do the next thing that you can control, and try to do it the best way you know how: We call this the “Minecraft method.”

3) NOT RELYING ON MOTIVATION: We saw a LOT of responses from people struggling who said they needed more motivation.

We all wish we had more motivation. What’s interesting is that there’s no secret energy tank in successful people compared to unsuccessful people. It’s not like those struggling don’t have motivation while those who have succeeded have TONS of it. They possess the same amount and have the same parts of their lives that zap motivation.

Successful people seemed to tell us that they didn’t rely on motivation!

Motivation pales in comparison to momentum. Here’s one response we received: “Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine.”

Like rolling a tiny snowball off a hill and watching it build size and speed, inertia takes over and it becomes a self-growing, unstoppable force. Check out these articles on building discipline and systems.

4) THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT:

We found a lot of responses from successful Rebels who knew that shaping their environment would lightly “nudge” them over the course of their day to greatly improve their chances of succeeding.

Like the Rebel who “threw [their] junk food in the bonfire and stopped buying it.” That’s a fairly dramatic response. But motivation is not necessary when you don’t have that food in your apartment to eat!

We heard so many different ways that people made their job EASIER. Many of us work hard, stressful jobs. And the natural response for many is to binge eat or quickly grab fast food to compensate for how hard or long we work. But a few tweaks in your work environment can go a long way.

Batch cooking helps to remove the willpower temptation for unhealthy food. Rebels who joined running clubs, The Nerd Fitness Academy or Camp Nerd Fitness Facebook groups found it easier to do their workouts. They cited these groups as huge reasons why they succeeded.

So many who succeeded talked about how they found supportive influences in their life (whether animate, or inanimate objects!). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Choose wisely!

5) TAKE ACTION:

Yes, as we learned from Rogue One, Rebellions are built on hope. But hope without action would have made for a painfully boring movie. We can hope for a better life. We can believe we CAN get to a better life. But action, even if it’s imperfect and incorrect, is better than no action.

Every single person who said they succeeded took action… often with a small tweak to something they’d done before.

This seemed to be the slogan that so many followed: “The idea that doing something, ANYthing, is better than doing nothing has been key.”

Do something different, and do it today.

Hope needs action. Otherwise it’s no different than hopelessness – nothing will happen.

So get started and do something today:

Try this workout.

Begin a walk to Mordor.

Cook an easy meal.

Join a group.

One less soda. One healthier meal. One 5-minute dedicated walk.

But do something!

I want to put you on this list at the end of 2017

http://ift.tt/2hHlVxD

http://ift.tt/2ipK8YG

http://ift.tt/2i4Yc6T

http://ift.tt/2itg8bc

[dorothyd89]

Why You&rsquo;re Not in Shape (Yet)

“Why can’t I do this? I know what I need to do to get in shape, and I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve yo-yo’d for years.”

I’ve been running Nerd Fitness for 8 years now (holy crap), and I have seen some of the most dramatic success stories from people of all walks of life that give me the biggest smile.

Single moms working two jobs, married couples that got in shape together, people who have been overweight their entire lives, and others who began powerlifting at the age of 50.

In that same time, however, I have seen tons of people who have been reading NF for years and struggled to find success. They might succeed for a short amount of time, or even a few months, before backsliding into old habits, and they just can’t seem to make things stick.

What’s interesting is that with both groups, they knew what they needed to do: more vegetables, more movement, less junk food, fewer calories on average, and a healthy exercise routine.

This wasn’t surprising: we all know what we need to do to get fit. So what separates the group of people who have fundamentally changed their lives and become new people from the other group who continue to struggle with little to no results?

I was curious, so about a month ago I sent a survey out to NF Rebels asking them for their honest answers on why they have (or haven’t) succeeded, and the responses really surprised me.

For starters, we had over 10,000 responses with people pouring out their hearts, proudly proclaiming their successes, or honestly sharing why they believed they hadn’t found their path quite yet.

About 25% of the responses came in saying they had made permanent changes, while the other 75% were still working on making enough progress and building enough momentum to make changes permanently.

So, why is it that some are kicking ass, and others are still warming up their kicking legs?

Newsflash: You Are Not A Unique Snowflake

You are not a unique snowflake.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not saying that your problems aren’t real! But I mean that we all have baggage that we are dealing with:

Some people are working crappy jobs with bad hours.

Some people are working multiple jobs.

Some people are raising children on their own.

Some people have genetic challenges thanks to unhealthy parents or medical conditions.

Some people are struggling with behavioral or psychological challenges that sabotage any efforts to live healthier lives.

Some people just feel down and out, like they can’t change because they’ve lived this way for so long.

These are all VERY real problems that can help explain why people haven’t succeeded. These are the things we all grapple with (in different amounts) every day. However, I noticed something when studying the answers of people who were struggling to get results.

People who weren’t seeing the results they wanted wrote that many of their issues were UNIQUE to them.

So often we think our problems are special, unique challenges we’re facing. We feel like we’re in a boss battle with no hope, fighting an overpowering beast with no weaknesses. “I can’t succeed because of [insert VALID and REAL excuse here].”

We feel powerless trying to stand up to the momentum of our lives. Reading through the thousands upon thousands of responses we received, we saw the SAME things over and over again. It felt like an episode of Black Mirror – everyone feeling so alone, but they’re all fighting the same bad guys.

Here’s a word cloud of the responses: the bigger the words, the more often it was mentioned.

When we asked the question: “Why do you think you haven’t achieved success yet?

Some people assigned blame to the physical things in their life: “my job” or “my kids” or “my medical condition.” Others went down a level, and tried to explain their root feeling:

I get bored and then find excuses not to do it even when I know I should.

I have no accountability for when I mess up my healthy routine.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and I get frustrated very easily when I don’t see immediate gratification.

It’s hard to say…Probably energy and motivation.

I find it really easy to lose my momentum – I’ll start an exercise plan, but then if I get sick or some personal family drama comes up, or a million other things that throw a wrench in my planned schedule, then everything unravels very quickly and no progress is made.

I haven’t set myself up for success; there’s no discipline to leave my comfort zone.

I believe that I am scared to change, so my commitment to starting to eat better is pretty much nonexistent, leaving me with no motivation to succeed.

I feel defeated before I even start. Hate to exercise. I stress eat.

Most us feel like this: we’re so sure of our situation. Sure that we’re doomed. Sure that there’s no hope. Sure that we know what there is to know. We feel beaten. We feel buried.

We feel like Sisyphus, climbing a never ending mountain with a boulder too large to bear. Like we don’t have time. Like our kids have to come first, and we can take care of ourselves later. Like we lack motivation.

Like we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we want to do, and that’s just the way it is. It feels like an insurmountable battle that we can’t win.

And then something happens.

Newsflash: Somebody with your challenges HAS succeeded before!

With 10,000 responses, I saw something powerful in the messages from people who HAD succeeded.

Everyone has their own set of unique problems, but we saw it was the same 10 or so problems in different amounts, over and over again.

Those who succeeded ALSO have their unique mix of baggage. They also work shitty jobs. They don’t have a lot of time. They struggle with mental health issues. They are single, divorced, and raising kids.

They have bad parents and unhealthy habits. They love to eat junk food and struggle with motivation. The things that kept them unhealthy before are NO different than the things that keep the other 75% unhealthy.

So what’s so different between those who succeed and those who don’t?

There’s a few key things that happen:

There’s no drastic declaration. Life changes just a little bit. A small win here and there. Or they wake up one day and do one thing. And then do that one thing again.

They kept at it. Some people we heard from had to fight through 10 boss battles in order to find the solution and final habits that worked for them. Some people had larger, longer boss fights.

They start to see cracks in their previous “limited mindset” of themselves. “Hey, look! I DID do something and changed. Maybe this time CAN be different…”

Instead of seeing excuses as to WHY they aren’t in shape (“I can’t find success because [insert valid excuse here].”), they instead see those things as obstacles to overcome (“Okay, I have [insert same valid excuse]. What steps can I take to overcome it?”). They stop believing their own excuses and start to step up to the plate.

These small victories build momentum. Changes become permanent slowly over time.

As one Rebel replied, “Once you find a rhythm, it’s not actually that hard. And it feels sustainable.”

Now, I hear ya. If it seems like there is a LOT in your way, it might seem unsustainable. A dream.

But remember, that person who said “it’s actually not that hard” was surprised. For years and years, it WAS hard. They didn’t believe they could change…until they found a rhythm of small changes and had the epiphany: “WOW!” Until then, they were part of the “still searching” group. They found some momentum and started to see how change really happens.

Remember, we��re all in this together. What if there was someone in this Rebellion, with a life just like yours, who found a way to slay the final boss?

Your reasons ARE valid. They are a real part of your life. However, we have to acknowledge them and move beyond them to see any lasting results. That’s what it means to change. 

But if someone else with your same types of challenges (from genetic, to habits, to job and family) has succeeded, MAYBE there is a path to success if you attack it the right way! If they can change, you can too.

Yup, even with the shit you’re dealing with in your life. With your disadvantages. With your limitations. Yup, even with the limited amount of time you have.

This response in particular really jumped out at me. I GUARANTEE you can relate to this:

The biggest surprise is that it was possible in the first place. You spend your whole life thinking “I can’t do that, I can’t get up in front of people and tell them things.” And then you take a class and you start doing it and suddenly you can get up and give a speech.

You spend your whole life thinking “I’m a quitter, I can’t finish anything to completion let alone actually build (and keep!) healthy habits” and then you just decide to start and suddenly you’re on day five and you know you can exercise every day for a week, and then you’re on day 27 and you know you can make it to the end of the month, and then you’re on day 42 and you know you can do this for the rest of your life because it’s changing you, it’s changing who you are.

Your back is straightening out for the first time since you were a child, your scoliosis is fading away, you relish the sore muscles, and you know you can do this.

Read that response again. This is somebody who had told themselves all their life that they couldn’t do things, and success was light-years away. So they stopped worrying about light-years and instead just did the things they could control that DAY. Then that somehow became Day 5, which became day 27 and then day 42 and then counting was no longer necessary because it just became part of their new persona.

This is a brand new person. And change happened so slowly and in such small ways that it wasn’t until they looked back months later and said “holy crap, I’m a different person! That was easier than expected.”

Your success will come as a surprise to you.

Response after response from the people who HAD made permanent changes stick used the same word over and over – it was “surprising” how it happened.

You see, when we have lost hope, we can’t even imagine eating healthy and working out feeling fun. So when we give half-efforted attempt, we use the lack of success to reinforce our mindset of, “this won’t work…I’m doomed.” It’s easier to tell ourselves, “This is the way it is.”

But then you find a tiny bit of success, and cracks start to form: “Maybe I DON’T know everything. Maybe… Maybe change is possible.” And we develop a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we were wrong, and we weren’t seeing the whole picture before.

And we all know how powerful hope is. After all, Rebellions are built on hope, right?

And that tiny bit of hope combined with a little bit of action, repeatedly, eventually results in surprising, drastic change when we don’t even realize it.

We asked what surprised those of you who have found success:

I’m happier!

Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine. How I started liking foods that used to be absolutely disgusting, but now help me further my goals of becoming stronger. Also now I can run off walls and jump off any set of stairs and continue dashing like a free-running freak. That’s nice, too.

How much of a mental game fitness really is. Mind and body are truly linked.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Might sound cheesy but it feels good to feel good. Once you accept you are progressing at your own pace, that there will be ups and downs and not let them affect you as much as before, everything is becoming so much easier.

I feel lighter and more free.

Sitting there believing deep down you can’t change – that your problems are unique – is the very thing that needs to be looked at carefully in order to change. If you are part of the 75% who say you haven’t had success (yet), who just want to get rid of some belly fat, have some more energy in the day, fit into size 8 pants, feel comfortable in your own skin, who just want to be happy….

We have a message for you:

It IS possible, and it is absolutely worth it.

I want this for you so badly, because I’ve seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people in this community. A switch flips, they start to believe, and they then look back months/years later and discover just how much they have changed.

What will be different this year?

Most of us know what to do already. We know we need to eat less and move more. We know we need to change our relationship with food. We know we need to exercise more. At the 4,000 foot level, we get it.

As Morpheus tells Neo, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Ultimately, only through action can we understand how change really happens. But remember that we are all in this together: fighting against an entire world that seems designed to keep us down.

Looking through responses from thousands of people DID see lasting success with healthy habit changes, I noticed 5 big patterns repeating:

A growth mindset rather than a limited mindset.

Focus on the day to day habit building.

Not relying on motivation.

The right environment.

They started.

Let’s dig into those a bit more:

1) GROWTH MINDSET – The feeling that change isn’t really possible often sneaks up on us: “I ran on a treadmill and starved myself and I hate my life. I cannot get in shape.”

But when we looked through people who had success, they seemed to view that same event in a different way: “Okay, that didn’t work. Maybe this time I’ll try something different, like eating some more vegetables and going for a walk. I can do that.”

These people told us that they had to make a perspective shift:

“I have kids and a tough job and no time. I can’t get in shape.” becomes “Okay I have kids and a tough job and no time. What CAN I do with these limitations? I shall try that.”

Often, this involves needing to give ourselves a break. We DO have a lot of limitations and a lot of challenges to overcome. We should look clearly at them, acknowledge them, and then acknowledge that we are worthy of change and deserving of a better life. So, let’s work for it.

We then start to see previous attempts at getting fit as just that: attempts, not failures.

I loved this response too: How did you succeed? “By forgiving myself when I mess up but not letting it take over and sabotaging my quest.”

You didn’t fail, you don’t need to feel shame. You tried something, it didn’t work. Move onto the next one. You don’t need to feel guilt or self-loathing. You can change right now. Today.

Sometimes when I work on a puzzle game, I feel stupid when I can’t get it. But when I finally crack it, there’s no guilt or shame. I just change my behavior because I understand how to solve it now.

People who found their path to success said that more permanent changes didn’t get weighed down by their failures or missteps, but instead they turned them into opportunity to find what COULD work given their situation.

2) DAY TO DAY HABITS: The journey to Mordor happens one step at a time.

We cannot control what happened to us yesterday. We cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can only control our actions today.

This realization is something we heard again and again from those who found success. Like this response:

“I broke goals down in very small steps and made each step ridiculously easy to accomplish.

And it makes sense: We look at our lives… the weight we have to lose. The effort that change will take. How behind we feel… and we feel this dread and impossibility. It’s paralyzing. And that’s where the surprise comes in from those who actually start walking, taking one step at a time… it really is shocking how it becomes effortless.

Just do the next thing that you can control, and try to do it the best way you know how: We call this the “Minecraft method.”

3) NOT RELYING ON MOTIVATION: We saw a LOT of responses from people struggling who said they needed more motivation.

We all wish we had more motivation. What’s interesting is that there’s no secret energy tank in successful people compared to unsuccessful people. It’s not like those struggling don’t have motivation while those who have succeeded have TONS of it. They possess the same amount and have the same parts of their lives that zap motivation.

Successful people seemed to tell us that they didn’t rely on motivation!

Motivation pales in comparison to momentum. Here’s one response we received: “Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine.”

Like rolling a tiny snowball off a hill and watching it build size and speed, inertia takes over and it becomes a self-growing, unstoppable force. Check out these articles on building discipline and systems.

4) THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT:

We found a lot of responses from successful Rebels who knew that shaping their environment would lightly “nudge” them over the course of their day to greatly improve their chances of succeeding.

Like the Rebel who “threw [their] junk food in the bonfire and stopped buying it.” That’s a fairly dramatic response. But motivation is not necessary when you don’t have that food in your apartment to eat!

We heard so many different ways that people made their job EASIER. Many of us work hard, stressful jobs. And the natural response for many is to binge eat or quickly grab fast food to compensate for how hard or long we work. But a few tweaks in your work environment can go a long way.

Batch cooking helps to remove the willpower temptation for unhealthy food. Rebels who joined running clubs, The Nerd Fitness Academy or Camp Nerd Fitness Facebook groups found it easier to do their workouts. They cited these groups as huge reasons why they succeeded.

So many who succeeded talked about how they found supportive influences in their life (whether animate, or inanimate objects!). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Choose wisely!

5) TAKE ACTION:

Yes, as we learned from Rogue One, Rebellions are built on hope. But hope without action would have made for a painfully boring movie. We can hope for a better life. We can believe we CAN get to a better life. But action, even if it’s imperfect and incorrect, is better than no action.

Every single person who said they succeeded took action… often with a small tweak to something they’d done before.

This seemed to be the slogan that so many followed: “The idea that doing something, ANYthing, is better than doing nothing has been key.”

Do something different, and do it today.

Hope needs action. Otherwise it’s no different than hopelessness – nothing will happen.

So get started and do something today:

Try this workout.

Begin a walk to Mordor.

Cook an easy meal.

Join a group.

One less soda. One healthier meal. One 5-minute dedicated walk.

But do something!

I want to put you on this list at the end of 2017

http://ift.tt/2hHlVxD

http://ift.tt/2ipK8YG

http://ift.tt/2i4Yc6T

http://ift.tt/2i22C0q

http://ift.tt/2iQ9ay4 http://ift.tt/2iWLWJ5

[dorothyd89]

Why You’re Not in Shape (Yet)

“Why can’t I do this? I know what I need to do to get in shape, and I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve yo-yo’d for years.”

I’ve been running Nerd Fitness for 8 years now (holy crap), and I have seen some of the most dramatic success stories from people of all walks of life that give me the biggest smile.

Single moms working two jobs, married couples that got in shape together, people who have been overweight their entire lives, and others who began powerlifting at the age of 50.

In that same time, however, I have seen tons of people who have been reading NF for years and struggled to find success. They might succeed for a short amount of time, or even a few months, before backsliding into old habits, and they just can’t seem to make things stick.

What’s interesting is that with both groups, they knew what they needed to do: more vegetables, more movement, less junk food, fewer calories on average, and a healthy exercise routine.

This wasn’t surprising: we all know what we need to do to get fit. So what separates the group of people who have fundamentally changed their lives and become new people from the other group who continue to struggle with little to no results?

I was curious, so about a month ago I sent a survey out to NF Rebels asking them for their honest answers on why they have (or haven’t) succeeded, and the responses really surprised me.

For starters, we had over 10,000 responses with people pouring out their hearts, proudly proclaiming their successes, or honestly sharing why they believed they hadn’t found their path quite yet.

About 25% of the responses came in saying they had made permanent changes, while the other 75% were still working on making enough progress and building enough momentum to make changes permanently.

So, why is it that some are kicking ass, and others are still warming up their kicking legs?

Newsflash: You Are Not A Unique Snowflake

You are not a unique snowflake.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not saying that your problems aren’t real! But I mean that we all have baggage that we are dealing with:

Some people are working crappy jobs with bad hours.

Some people are working multiple jobs.

Some people are raising children on their own.

Some people have genetic challenges thanks to unhealthy parents or medical conditions.

Some people are struggling with behavioral or psychological challenges that sabotage any efforts to live healthier lives.

Some people just feel down and out, like they can’t change because they’ve lived this way for so long.

These are all VERY real problems that can help explain why people haven’t succeeded. These are the things we all grapple with (in different amounts) every day. However, I noticed something when studying the answers of people who were struggling to get results.

People who weren’t seeing the results they wanted wrote that many of their issues were UNIQUE to them.

So often we think our problems are special, unique challenges we’re facing. We feel like we’re in a boss battle with no hope, fighting an overpowering beast with no weaknesses. “I can’t succeed because of [insert VALID and REAL excuse here].”

We feel powerless trying to stand up to the momentum of our lives. Reading through the thousands upon thousands of responses we received, we saw the SAME things over and over again. It felt like an episode of Black Mirror – everyone feeling so alone, but they’re all fighting the same bad guys.

Here’s a word cloud of the responses: the bigger the words, the more often it was mentioned.

When we asked the question: “Why do you think you haven’t achieved success yet?

Some people assigned blame to the physical things in their life: “my job” or “my kids” or “my medical condition.” Others went down a level, and tried to explain their root feeling:

I get bored and then find excuses not to do it even when I know I should.

I have no accountability for when I mess up my healthy routine.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and I get frustrated very easily when I don’t see immediate gratification.

It’s hard to say…Probably energy and motivation.

I find it really easy to lose my momentum – I’ll start an exercise plan, but then if I get sick or some personal family drama comes up, or a million other things that throw a wrench in my planned schedule, then everything unravels very quickly and no progress is made.

I haven’t set myself up for success; there’s no discipline to leave my comfort zone.

I believe that I am scared to change, so my commitment to starting to eat better is pretty much nonexistent, leaving me with no motivation to succeed.

I feel defeated before I even start. Hate to exercise. I stress eat.

Most us feel like this: we’re so sure of our situation. Sure that we’re doomed. Sure that there’s no hope. Sure that we know what there is to know. We feel beaten. We feel buried.

We feel like Sisyphus, climbing a never ending mountain with a boulder too large to bear. Like we don’t have time. Like our kids have to come first, and we can take care of ourselves later. Like we lack motivation.

Like we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we want to do, and that’s just the way it is. It feels like an insurmountable battle that we can’t win.

And then something happens.

Newsflash: Somebody with your challenges HAS succeeded before!

With 10,000 responses, I saw something powerful in the messages from people who HAD succeeded.

Everyone has their own set of unique problems, but we saw it was the same 10 or so problems in different amounts, over and over again.

Those who succeeded ALSO have their unique mix of baggage. They also work shitty jobs. They don’t have a lot of time. They struggle with mental health issues. They are single, divorced, and raising kids.

They have bad parents and unhealthy habits. They love to eat junk food and struggle with motivation. The things that kept them unhealthy before are NO different than the things that keep the other 75% unhealthy.

So what’s so different between those who succeed and those who don’t?

There’s a few key things that happen:

There’s no drastic declaration. Life changes just a little bit. A small win here and there. Or they wake up one day and do one thing. And then do that one thing again.

They kept at it. Some people we heard from had to fight through 10 boss battles in order to find the solution and final habits that worked for them. Some people had larger, longer boss fights.

They start to see cracks in their previous “limited mindset” of themselves. “Hey, look! I DID do something and changed. Maybe this time CAN be different…”

Instead of seeing excuses as to WHY they aren’t in shape (“I can’t find success because [insert valid excuse here].”), they instead see those things as obstacles to overcome (“Okay, I have [insert same valid excuse]. What steps can I take to overcome it?”). They stop believing their own excuses and start to step up to the plate.

These small victories build momentum. Changes become permanent slowly over time.

As one Rebel replied, “Once you find a rhythm, it’s not actually that hard. And it feels sustainable.”

Now, I hear ya. If it seems like there is a LOT in your way, it might seem unsustainable. A dream.

But remember, that person who said “it’s actually not that hard” was surprised. For years and years, it WAS hard. They didn’t believe they could change…until they found a rhythm of small changes and had the epiphany: “WOW!” Until then, they were part of the “still searching” group. They found some momentum and started to see how change really happens.

Remember, we’re all in this together. What if there was someone in this Rebellion, with a life just like yours, who found a way to slay the final boss?

Your reasons ARE valid. They are a real part of your life. However, we have to acknowledge them and move beyond them to see any lasting results. That’s what it means to change. 

But if someone else with your same types of challenges (from genetic, to habits, to job and family) has succeeded, MAYBE there is a path to success if you attack it the right way! If they can change, you can too.

Yup, even with the shit you’re dealing with in your life. With your disadvantages. With your limitations. Yup, even with the limited amount of time you have.

This response in particular really jumped out at me. I GUARANTEE you can relate to this:

The biggest surprise is that it was possible in the first place. You spend your whole life thinking “I can’t do that, I can’t get up in front of people and tell them things.” And then you take a class and you start doing it and suddenly you can get up and give a speech.

You spend your whole life thinking “I’m a quitter, I can’t finish anything to completion let alone actually build (and keep!) healthy habits” and then you just decide to start and suddenly you’re on day five and you know you can exercise every day for a week, and then you’re on day 27 and you know you can make it to the end of the month, and then you’re on day 42 and you know you can do this for the rest of your life because it’s changing you, it’s changing who you are.

Your back is straightening out for the first time since you were a child, your scoliosis is fading away, you relish the sore muscles, and you know you can do this.

Read that response again. This is somebody who had told themselves all their life that they couldn’t do things, and success was light-years away. So they stopped worrying about light-years and instead just did the things they could control that DAY. Then that somehow became Day 5, which became day 27 and then day 42 and then counting was no longer necessary because it just became part of their new persona.

This is a brand new person. And change happened so slowly and in such small ways that it wasn’t until they looked back months later and said “holy crap, I’m a different person! That was easier than expected.”

Your success will come as a surprise to you.

Response after response from the people who HAD made permanent changes stick used the same word over and over – it was “surprising” how it happened.

You see, when we have lost hope, we can’t even imagine eating healthy and working out feeling fun. So when we give half-efforted attempt, we use the lack of success to reinforce our mindset of, “this won’t work…I’m doomed.” It’s easier to tell ourselves, “This is the way it is.”

But then you find a tiny bit of success, and cracks start to form: “Maybe I DON’T know everything. Maybe… Maybe change is possible.” And we develop a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we were wrong, and we weren’t seeing the whole picture before.

And we all know how powerful hope is. After all, Rebellions are built on hope, right?

And that tiny bit of hope combined with a little bit of action, repeatedly, eventually results in surprising, drastic change when we don’t even realize it.

We asked what surprised those of you who have found success:

I’m happier!

Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine. How I started liking foods that used to be absolutely disgusting, but now help me further my goals of becoming stronger. Also now I can run off walls and jump off any set of stairs and continue dashing like a free-running freak. That’s nice, too.

How much of a mental game fitness really is. Mind and body are truly linked.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Might sound cheesy but it feels good to feel good. Once you accept you are progressing at your own pace, that there will be ups and downs and not let them affect you as much as before, everything is becoming so much easier.

I feel lighter and more free.

Sitting there believing deep down you can’t change – that your problems are unique – is the very thing that needs to be looked at carefully in order to change. If you are part of the 75% who say you haven’t had success (yet), who just want to get rid of some belly fat, have some more energy in the day, fit into size 8 pants, feel comfortable in your own skin, who just want to be happy….

We have a message for you:

It IS possible, and it is absolutely worth it.

I want this for you so badly, because I’ve seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people in this community. A switch flips, they start to believe, and they then look back months/years later and discover just how much they have changed.

What will be different this year?

Most of us know what to do already. We know we need to eat less and move more. We know we need to change our relationship with food. We know we need to exercise more. At the 4,000 foot level, we get it.

As Morpheus tells Neo, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Ultimately, only through action can we understand how change really happens. But remember that we are all in this together: fighting against an entire world that seems designed to keep us down.

Looking through responses from thousands of people DID see lasting success with healthy habit changes, I noticed 5 big patterns repeating:

A growth mindset rather than a limited mindset.

Focus on the day to day habit building.

Not relying on motivation.

The right environment.

They started.

Let’s dig into those a bit more:

1) GROWTH MINDSET – The feeling that change isn’t really possible often sneaks up on us: “I ran on a treadmill and starved myself and I hate my life. I cannot get in shape.”

But when we looked through people who had success, they seemed to view that same event in a different way: “Okay, that didn’t work. Maybe this time I’ll try something different, like eating some more vegetables and going for a walk. I can do that.”

These people told us that they had to make a perspective shift:

“I have kids and a tough job and no time. I can’t get in shape.” becomes “Okay I have kids and a tough job and no time. What CAN I do with these limitations? I shall try that.”

Often, this involves needing to give ourselves a break. We DO have a lot of limitations and a lot of challenges to overcome. We should look clearly at them, acknowledge them, and then acknowledge that we are worthy of change and deserving of a better life. So, let’s work for it.

We then start to see previous attempts at getting fit as just that: attempts, not failures.

I loved this response too: How did you succeed? “By forgiving myself when I mess up but not letting it take over and sabotaging my quest.”

You didn’t fail, you don’t need to feel shame. You tried something, it didn’t work. Move onto the next one. You don’t need to feel guilt or self-loathing. You can change right now. Today.

Sometimes when I work on a puzzle game, I feel stupid when I can’t get it. But when I finally crack it, there’s no guilt or shame. I just change my behavior because I understand how to solve it now.

People who found their path to success said that more permanent changes didn’t get weighed down by their failures or missteps, but instead they turned them into opportunity to find what COULD work given their situation.

2) DAY TO DAY HABITS: The journey to Mordor happens one step at a time.

We cannot control what happened to us yesterday. We cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can only control our actions today.

This realization is something we heard again and again from those who found success. Like this response:

“I broke goals down in very small steps and made each step ridiculously easy to accomplish.

And it makes sense: We look at our lives… the weight we have to lose. The effort that change will take. How behind we feel… and we feel this dread and impossibility. It’s paralyzing. And that’s where the surprise comes in from those who actually start walking, taking one step at a time… it really is shocking how it becomes effortless.

Just do the next thing that you can control, and try to do it the best way you know how: We call this the “Minecraft method.”

3) NOT RELYING ON MOTIVATION: We saw a LOT of responses from people struggling who said they needed more motivation.

We all wish we had more motivation. What’s interesting is that there’s no secret energy tank in successful people compared to unsuccessful people. It’s not like those struggling don’t have motivation while those who have succeeded have TONS of it. They possess the same amount and have the same parts of their lives that zap motivation.

Successful people seemed to tell us that they didn’t rely on motivation!

Motivation pales in comparison to momentum. Here’s one response we received: “Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine.”

Like rolling a tiny snowball off a hill and watching it build size and speed, inertia takes over and it becomes a self-growing, unstoppable force. Check out these articles on building discipline and systems.

4) THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT:

We found a lot of responses from successful Rebels who knew that shaping their environment would lightly “nudge” them over the course of their day to greatly improve their chances of succeeding.

Like the Rebel who “threw [their] junk food in the bonfire and stopped buying it.” That’s a fairly dramatic response. But motivation is not necessary when you don’t have that food in your apartment to eat!

We heard so many different ways that people made their job EASIER. Many of us work hard, stressful jobs. And the natural response for many is to binge eat or quickly grab fast food to compensate for how hard or long we work. But a few tweaks in your work environment can go a long way.

Batch cooking helps to remove the willpower temptation for unhealthy food. Rebels who joined running clubs, The Nerd Fitness Academy or Camp Nerd Fitness Facebook groups found it easier to do their workouts. They cited these groups as huge reasons why they succeeded.

So many who succeeded talked about how they found supportive influences in their life (whether animate, or inanimate objects!). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Choose wisely!

5) TAKE ACTION:

Yes, as we learned from Rogue One, Rebellions are built on hope. But hope without action would have made for a painfully boring movie. We can hope for a better life. We can believe we CAN get to a better life. But action, even if it’s imperfect and incorrect, is better than no action.

Every single person who said they succeeded took action… often with a small tweak to something they’d done before.

This seemed to be the slogan that so many followed: “The idea that doing something, ANYthing, is better than doing nothing has been key.”

Do something different, and do it today.

Hope needs action. Otherwise it’s no different than hopelessness – nothing will happen.

So get started and do something today:

Try this workout.

Begin a walk to Mordor.

Cook an easy meal.

Join a group.

One less soda. One healthier meal. One 5-minute dedicated walk.

But do something!

I want to put you on this list at the end of 2017

http://ift.tt/2hHlVxD

http://ift.tt/2ipK8YG

http://ift.tt/2i4Yc6T

http://ift.tt/2jgAlBc

[dorothyd89]

Why You’re Not in Shape (Yet)

“Why can’t I do this? I know what I need to do to get in shape, and I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve yo-yo’d for years.”

I’ve been running Nerd Fitness for 8 years now (holy crap), and I have seen some of the most dramatic success stories from people of all walks of life that give me the biggest smile.

Single moms working two jobs, married couples that got in shape together, people who have been overweight their entire lives, and others who began powerlifting at the age of 50.

In that same time, however, I have seen tons of people who have been reading NF for years and struggled to find success. They might succeed for a short amount of time, or even a few months, before backsliding into old habits, and they just can’t seem to make things stick.

What’s interesting is that with both groups, they knew what they needed to do: more vegetables, more movement, less junk food, fewer calories on average, and a healthy exercise routine.

This wasn’t surprising: we all know what we need to do to get fit. So what separates the group of people who have fundamentally changed their lives and become new people from the other group who continue to struggle with little to no results?

I was curious, so about a month ago I sent a survey out to NF Rebels asking them for their honest answers on why they have (or haven’t) succeeded, and the responses really surprised me.

For starters, we had over 10,000 responses with people pouring out their hearts, proudly proclaiming their successes, or honestly sharing why they believed they hadn’t found their path quite yet.

About 25% of the responses came in saying they had made permanent changes, while the other 75% were still working on making enough progress and building enough momentum to make changes permanently.

So, why is it that some are kicking ass, and others are still warming up their kicking legs?

Newsflash: You Are Not A Unique Snowflake

You are not a unique snowflake.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not saying that your problems aren’t real! But I mean that we all have baggage that we are dealing with:

Some people are working crappy jobs with bad hours.

Some people are working multiple jobs.

Some people are raising children on their own.

Some people have genetic challenges thanks to unhealthy parents or medical conditions.

Some people are struggling with behavioral or psychological challenges that sabotage any efforts to live healthier lives.

Some people just feel down and out, like they can’t change because they’ve lived this way for so long.

These are all VERY real problems that can help explain why people haven’t succeeded. These are the things we all grapple with (in different amounts) every day. However, I noticed something when studying the answers of people who were struggling to get results.

People who weren’t seeing the results they wanted wrote that many of their issues were UNIQUE to them.

So often we think our problems are special, unique challenges we’re facing. We feel like we’re in a boss battle with no hope, fighting an overpowering beast with no weaknesses. “I can’t succeed because of [insert VALID and REAL excuse here].”

We feel powerless trying to stand up to the momentum of our lives. Reading through the thousands upon thousands of responses we received, we saw the SAME things over and over again. It felt like an episode of Black Mirror – everyone feeling so alone, but they’re all fighting the same bad guys.

Here’s a word cloud of the responses: the bigger the words, the more often it was mentioned.

When we asked the question: “Why do you think you haven’t achieved success yet?

Some people assigned blame to the physical things in their life: “my job” or “my kids” or “my medical condition.” Others went down a level, and tried to explain their root feeling:

I get bored and then find excuses not to do it even when I know I should.

I have no accountability for when I mess up my healthy routine.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and I get frustrated very easily when I don’t see immediate gratification.

It’s hard to say…Probably energy and motivation.

I find it really easy to lose my momentum – I’ll start an exercise plan, but then if I get sick or some personal family drama comes up, or a million other things that throw a wrench in my planned schedule, then everything unravels very quickly and no progress is made.

I haven’t set myself up for success; there’s no discipline to leave my comfort zone.

I believe that I am scared to change, so my commitment to starting to eat better is pretty much nonexistent, leaving me with no motivation to succeed.

I feel defeated before I even start. Hate to exercise. I stress eat.

Most us feel like this: we’re so sure of our situation. Sure that we’re doomed. Sure that there’s no hope. Sure that we know what there is to know. We feel beaten. We feel buried.

We feel like Sisyphus, climbing a never ending mountain with a boulder too large to bear. Like we don’t have time. Like our kids have to come first, and we can take care of ourselves later. Like we lack motivation.

Like we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we want to do, and that’s just the way it is. It feels like an insurmountable battle that we can’t win.

And then something happens.

Newsflash: Somebody with your challenges HAS succeeded before!

With 10,000 responses, I saw something powerful in the messages from people who HAD succeeded.

Everyone has their own set of unique problems, but we saw it was the same 10 or so problems in different amounts, over and over again.

Those who succeeded ALSO have their unique mix of baggage. They also work shitty jobs. They don’t have a lot of time. They struggle with mental health issues. They are single, divorced, and raising kids.

They have bad parents and unhealthy habits. They love to eat junk food and struggle with motivation. The things that kept them unhealthy before are NO different than the things that keep the other 75% unhealthy.

So what’s so different between those who succeed and those who don’t?

There’s a few key things that happen:

There’s no drastic declaration. Life changes just a little bit. A small win here and there. Or they wake up one day and do one thing. And then do that one thing again.

They kept at it. Some people we heard from had to fight through 10 boss battles in order to find the solution and final habits that worked for them. Some people had larger, longer boss fights.

They start to see cracks in their previous “limited mindset” of themselves. “Hey, look! I DID do something and changed. Maybe this time CAN be different…”

Instead of seeing excuses as to WHY they aren’t in shape (“I can’t find success because [insert valid excuse here].”), they instead see those things as obstacles to overcome (“Okay, I have [insert same valid excuse]. What steps can I take to overcome it?”). They stop believing their own excuses and start to step up to the plate.

These small victories build momentum. Changes become permanent slowly over time.

As one Rebel replied, “Once you find a rhythm, it’s not actually that hard. And it feels sustainable.”

Now, I hear ya. If it seems like there is a LOT in your way, it might seem unsustainable. A dream.

But remember, that person who said “it’s actually not that hard” was surprised. For years and years, it WAS hard. They didn’t believe they could change…until they found a rhythm of small changes and had the epiphany: “WOW!” Until then, they were part of the “still searching” group. They found some momentum and started to see how change really happens.

Remember, we’re all in this together. What if there was someone in this Rebellion, with a life just like yours, who found a way to slay the final boss?

Your reasons ARE valid. They are a real part of your life. However, we have to acknowledge them and move beyond them to see any lasting results. That’s what it means to change. 

But if someone else with your same types of challenges (from genetic, to habits, to job and family) has succeeded, MAYBE there is a path to success if you attack it the right way! If they can change, you can too.

Yup, even with the shit you’re dealing with in your life. With your disadvantages. With your limitations. Yup, even with the limited amount of time you have.

This response in particular really jumped out at me. I GUARANTEE you can relate to this:

The biggest surprise is that it was possible in the first place. You spend your whole life thinking “I can’t do that, I can’t get up in front of people and tell them things.” And then you take a class and you start doing it and suddenly you can get up and give a speech.

You spend your whole life thinking “I’m a quitter, I can’t finish anything to completion let alone actually build (and keep!) healthy habits” and then you just decide to start and suddenly you’re on day five and you know you can exercise every day for a week, and then you’re on day 27 and you know you can make it to the end of the month, and then you’re on day 42 and you know you can do this for the rest of your life because it’s changing you, it’s changing who you are.

Your back is straightening out for the first time since you were a child, your scoliosis is fading away, you relish the sore muscles, and you know you can do this.

Read that response again. This is somebody who had told themselves all their life that they couldn’t do things, and success was light-years away. So they stopped worrying about light-years and instead just did the things they could control that DAY. Then that somehow became Day 5, which became day 27 and then day 42 and then counting was no longer necessary because it just became part of their new persona.

This is a brand new person. And change happened so slowly and in such small ways that it wasn’t until they looked back months later and said “holy crap, I’m a different person! That was easier than expected.”

Your success will come as a surprise to you.

Response after response from the people who HAD made permanent changes stick used the same word over and over – it was “surprising” how it happened.

You see, when we have lost hope, we can’t even imagine eating healthy and working out feeling fun. So when we give half-efforted attempt, we use the lack of success to reinforce our mindset of, “this won’t work…I’m doomed.” It’s easier to tell ourselves, “This is the way it is.”

But then you find a tiny bit of success, and cracks start to form: “Maybe I DON’T know everything. Maybe… Maybe change is possible.” And we develop a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we were wrong, and we weren’t seeing the whole picture before.

And we all know how powerful hope is. After all, Rebellions are built on hope, right?

And that tiny bit of hope combined with a little bit of action, repeatedly, eventually results in surprising, drastic change when we don’t even realize it.

We asked what surprised those of you who have found success:

I’m happier!

Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine. How I started liking foods that used to be absolutely disgusting, but now help me further my goals of becoming stronger. Also now I can run off walls and jump off any set of stairs and continue dashing like a free-running freak. That’s nice, too.

How much of a mental game fitness really is. Mind and body are truly linked.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Might sound cheesy but it feels good to feel good. Once you accept you are progressing at your own pace, that there will be ups and downs and not let them affect you as much as before, everything is becoming so much easier.

I feel lighter and more free.

Sitting there believing deep down you can’t change – that your problems are unique – is the very thing that needs to be looked at carefully in order to change. If you are part of the 75% who say you haven’t had success (yet), who just want to get rid of some belly fat, have some more energy in the day, fit into size 8 pants, feel comfortable in your own skin, who just want to be happy….

We have a message for you:

It IS possible, and it is absolutely worth it.

I want this for you so badly, because I’ve seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people in this community. A switch flips, they start to believe, and they then look back months/years later and discover just how much they have changed.

What will be different this year?

Most of us know what to do already. We know we need to eat less and move more. We know we need to change our relationship with food. We know we need to exercise more. At the 4,000 foot level, we get it.

As Morpheus tells Neo, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Ultimately, only through action can we understand how change really happens. But remember that we are all in this together: fighting against an entire world that seems designed to keep us down.

Looking through responses from thousands of people DID see lasting success with healthy habit changes, I noticed 5 big patterns repeating:

A growth mindset rather than a limited mindset.

Focus on the day to day habit building.

Not relying on motivation.

The right environment.

They started.

Let’s dig into those a bit more:

1) GROWTH MINDSET – The feeling that change isn’t really possible often sneaks up on us: “I ran on a treadmill and starved myself and I hate my life. I cannot get in shape.”

But when we looked through people who had success, they seemed to view that same event in a different way: “Okay, that didn’t work. Maybe this time I’ll try something different, like eating some more vegetables and going for a walk. I can do that.”

These people told us that they had to make a perspective shift:

“I have kids and a tough job and no time. I can’t get in shape.” becomes “Okay I have kids and a tough job and no time. What CAN I do with these limitations? I shall try that.”

Often, this involves needing to give ourselves a break. We DO have a lot of limitations and a lot of challenges to overcome. We should look clearly at them, acknowledge them, and then acknowledge that we are worthy of change and deserving of a better life. So, let’s work for it.

We then start to see previous attempts at getting fit as just that: attempts, not failures.

I loved this response too: How did you succeed? “By forgiving myself when I mess up but not letting it take over and sabotaging my quest.”

You didn’t fail, you don’t need to feel shame. You tried something, it didn’t work. Move onto the next one. You don’t need to feel guilt or self-loathing. You can change right now. Today.

Sometimes when I work on a puzzle game, I feel stupid when I can’t get it. But when I finally crack it, there’s no guilt or shame. I just change my behavior because I understand how to solve it now.

People who found their path to success said that more permanent changes didn’t get weighed down by their failures or missteps, but instead they turned them into opportunity to find what COULD work given their situation.

2) DAY TO DAY HABITS: The journey to Mordor happens one step at a time.

We cannot control what happened to us yesterday. We cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can only control our actions today.

This realization is something we heard again and again from those who found success. Like this response:

“I broke goals down in very small steps and made each step ridiculously easy to accomplish.

And it makes sense: We look at our lives… the weight we have to lose. The effort that change will take. How behind we feel… and we feel this dread and impossibility. It’s paralyzing. And that’s where the surprise comes in from those who actually start walking, taking one step at a time… it really is shocking how it becomes effortless.

Just do the next thing that you can control, and try to do it the best way you know how: We call this the “Minecraft method.”

3) NOT RELYING ON MOTIVATION: We saw a LOT of responses from people struggling who said they needed more motivation.

We all wish we had more motivation. What’s interesting is that there’s no secret energy tank in successful people compared to unsuccessful people. It’s not like those struggling don’t have motivation while those who have succeeded have TONS of it. They possess the same amount and have the same parts of their lives that zap motivation.

Successful people seemed to tell us that they didn’t rely on motivation!

Motivation pales in comparison to momentum. Here’s one response we received: “Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine.”

Like rolling a tiny snowball off a hill and watching it build size and speed, inertia takes over and it becomes a self-growing, unstoppable force. Check out these articles on building discipline and systems.

4) THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT:

We found a lot of responses from successful Rebels who knew that shaping their environment would lightly “nudge” them over the course of their day to greatly improve their chances of succeeding.

Like the Rebel who “threw [their] junk food in the bonfire and stopped buying it.” That’s a fairly dramatic response. But motivation is not necessary when you don’t have that food in your apartment to eat!

We heard so many different ways that people made their job EASIER. Many of us work hard, stressful jobs. And the natural response for many is to binge eat or quickly grab fast food to compensate for how hard or long we work. But a few tweaks in your work environment can go a long way.

Batch cooking helps to remove the willpower temptation for unhealthy food. Rebels who joined running clubs, The Nerd Fitness Academy or Camp Nerd Fitness Facebook groups found it easier to do their workouts. They cited these groups as huge reasons why they succeeded.

So many who succeeded talked about how they found supportive influences in their life (whether animate, or inanimate objects!). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Choose wisely!

5) TAKE ACTION:

Yes, as we learned from Rogue One, Rebellions are built on hope. But hope without action would have made for a painfully boring movie. We can hope for a better life. We can believe we CAN get to a better life. But action, even if it’s imperfect and incorrect, is better than no action.

Every single person who said they succeeded took action… often with a small tweak to something they’d done before.

This seemed to be the slogan that so many followed: “The idea that doing something, ANYthing, is better than doing nothing has been key.”

Do something different, and do it today.

Hope needs action. Otherwise it’s no different than hopelessness – nothing will happen.

So get started and do something today:

Try this workout.

Begin a walk to Mordor.

Cook an easy meal.

Join a group.

One less soda. One healthier meal. One 5-minute dedicated walk.

But do something!

I want to put you on this list at the end of 2017

http://ift.tt/2hHlVxD

http://ift.tt/2ipK8YG

http://ift.tt/2i4Yc6T http://ift.tt/2ivJ5X4 http://ift.tt/2hRVaVE http://ift.tt/2iG1sXl

http://ift.tt/2hX3MdP

http://ift.tt/2jiTUgg

http://ift.tt/2iMJIeM

http://ift.tt/2i62nBO

[dorothyd89]

Why You’re Not in Shape (Yet)

“Why can’t I do this? I know what I need to do to get in shape, and I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve yo-yo’d for years.”

I’ve been running Nerd Fitness for 8 years now (holy crap), and I have seen some of the most dramatic success stories from people of all walks of life that give me the biggest smile.

Single moms working two jobs, married couples that got in shape together, people who have been overweight their entire lives, and others who began powerlifting at the age of 50.

In that same time, however, I have seen tons of people who have been reading NF for years and struggled to find success. They might succeed for a short amount of time, or even a few months, before backsliding into old habits, and they just can’t seem to make things stick.

What’s interesting is that with both groups, they knew what they needed to do: more vegetables, more movement, less junk food, fewer calories on average, and a healthy exercise routine.

This wasn’t surprising: we all know what we need to do to get fit. So what separates the group of people who have fundamentally changed their lives and become new people from the other group who continue to struggle with little to no results?

I was curious, so about a month ago I sent a survey out to NF Rebels asking them for their honest answers on why they have (or haven’t) succeeded, and the responses really surprised me.

For starters, we had over 10,000 responses with people pouring out their hearts, proudly proclaiming their successes, or honestly sharing why they believed they hadn’t found their path quite yet.

About 25% of the responses came in saying they had made permanent changes, while the other 75% were still working on making enough progress and building enough momentum to make changes permanently.

So, why is it that some are kicking ass, and others are still warming up their kicking legs?

Newsflash: You Are Not A Unique Snowflake

You are not a unique snowflake.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not saying that your problems aren’t real! But I mean that we all have baggage that we are dealing with:

Some people are working crappy jobs with bad hours.

Some people are working multiple jobs.

Some people are raising children on their own.

Some people have genetic challenges thanks to unhealthy parents or medical conditions.

Some people are struggling with behavioral or psychological challenges that sabotage any efforts to live healthier lives.

Some people just feel down and out, like they can’t change because they’ve lived this way for so long.

These are all VERY real problems that can help explain why people haven’t succeeded. These are the things we all grapple with (in different amounts) every day. However, I noticed something when studying the answers of people who were struggling to get results.

People who weren’t seeing the results they wanted wrote that many of their issues were UNIQUE to them.

So often we think our problems are special, unique challenges we’re facing. We feel like we’re in a boss battle with no hope, fighting an overpowering beast with no weaknesses. “I can’t succeed because of [insert VALID and REAL excuse here].”

We feel powerless trying to stand up to the momentum of our lives. Reading through the thousands upon thousands of responses we received, we saw the SAME things over and over again. It felt like an episode of Black Mirror – everyone feeling so alone, but they’re all fighting the same bad guys.

Here’s a word cloud of the responses: the bigger the words, the more often it was mentioned.

When we asked the question: “Why do you think you haven’t achieved success yet?

Some people assigned blame to the physical things in their life: “my job” or “my kids” or “my medical condition.” Others went down a level, and tried to explain their root feeling:

I get bored and then find excuses not to do it even when I know I should.

I have no accountability for when I mess up my healthy routine.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and I get frustrated very easily when I don’t see immediate gratification.

It’s hard to say…Probably energy and motivation.

I find it really easy to lose my momentum – I’ll start an exercise plan, but then if I get sick or some personal family drama comes up, or a million other things that throw a wrench in my planned schedule, then everything unravels very quickly and no progress is made.

I haven’t set myself up for success; there’s no discipline to leave my comfort zone.

I believe that I am scared to change, so my commitment to starting to eat better is pretty much nonexistent, leaving me with no motivation to succeed.

I feel defeated before I even start. Hate to exercise. I stress eat.

Most us feel like this: we’re so sure of our situation. Sure that we’re doomed. Sure that there’s no hope. Sure that we know what there is to know. We feel beaten. We feel buried.

We feel like Sisyphus, climbing a never ending mountain with a boulder too large to bear. Like we don’t have time. Like our kids have to come first, and we can take care of ourselves later. Like we lack motivation.

Like we can’t get ourselves to do the things that we want to do, and that’s just the way it is. It feels like an insurmountable battle that we can’t win.

And then something happens.

Newsflash: Somebody with your challenges HAS succeeded before!

With 10,000 responses, I saw something powerful in the messages from people who HAD succeeded.

Everyone has their own set of unique problems, but we saw it was the same 10 or so problems in different amounts, over and over again.

Those who succeeded ALSO have their unique mix of baggage. They also work shitty jobs. They don’t have a lot of time. They struggle with mental health issues. They are single, divorced, and raising kids.

They have bad parents and unhealthy habits. They love to eat junk food and struggle with motivation. The things that kept them unhealthy before are NO different than the things that keep the other 75% unhealthy.

So what’s so different between those who succeed and those who don’t?

There’s a few key things that happen:

There’s no drastic declaration. Life changes just a little bit. A small win here and there. Or they wake up one day and do one thing. And then do that one thing again.

They kept at it. Some people we heard from had to fight through 10 boss battles in order to find the solution and final habits that worked for them. Some people had larger, longer boss fights.

They start to see cracks in their previous “limited mindset” of themselves. “Hey, look! I DID do something and changed. Maybe this time CAN be different…”

Instead of seeing excuses as to WHY they aren’t in shape (“I can’t find success because [insert valid excuse here].”), they instead see those things as obstacles to overcome (“Okay, I have [insert same valid excuse]. What steps can I take to overcome it?”). They stop believing their own excuses and start to step up to the plate.

These small victories build momentum. Changes become permanent slowly over time.

As one Rebel replied, “Once you find a rhythm, it’s not actually that hard. And it feels sustainable.”

Now, I hear ya. If it seems like there is a LOT in your way, it might seem unsustainable. A dream.

But remember, that person who said “it’s actually not that hard” was surprised. For years and years, it WAS hard. They didn’t believe they could change…until they found a rhythm of small changes and had the epiphany: “WOW!” Until then, they were part of the “still searching” group. They found some momentum and started to see how change really happens.

Remember, we’re all in this together. What if there was someone in this Rebellion, with a life just like yours, who found a way to slay the final boss?

Your reasons ARE valid. They are a real part of your life. However, we have to acknowledge them and move beyond them to see any lasting results. That’s what it means to change. 

But if someone else with your same types of challenges (from genetic, to habits, to job and family) has succeeded, MAYBE there is a path to success if you attack it the right way! If they can change, you can too.

Yup, even with the shit you’re dealing with in your life. With your disadvantages. With your limitations. Yup, even with the limited amount of time you have.

This response in particular really jumped out at me. I GUARANTEE you can relate to this:

The biggest surprise is that it was possible in the first place. You spend your whole life thinking “I can’t do that, I can’t get up in front of people and tell them things.” And then you take a class and you start doing it and suddenly you can get up and give a speech.

You spend your whole life thinking “I’m a quitter, I can’t finish anything to completion let alone actually build (and keep!) healthy habits” and then you just decide to start and suddenly you’re on day five and you know you can exercise every day for a week, and then you’re on day 27 and you know you can make it to the end of the month, and then you’re on day 42 and you know you can do this for the rest of your life because it’s changing you, it’s changing who you are.

Your back is straightening out for the first time since you were a child, your scoliosis is fading away, you relish the sore muscles, and you know you can do this.

Read that response again. This is somebody who had told themselves all their life that they couldn’t do things, and success was light-years away. So they stopped worrying about light-years and instead just did the things they could control that DAY. Then that somehow became Day 5, which became day 27 and then day 42 and then counting was no longer necessary because it just became part of their new persona.

This is a brand new person. And change happened so slowly and in such small ways that it wasn’t until they looked back months later and said “holy crap, I’m a different person! That was easier than expected.”

Your success will come as a surprise to you.

Response after response from the people who HAD made permanent changes stick used the same word over and over – it was “surprising” how it happened.

You see, when we have lost hope, we can’t even imagine eating healthy and working out feeling fun. So when we give half-efforted attempt, we use the lack of success to reinforce our mindset of, “this won’t work…I’m doomed.” It’s easier to tell ourselves, “This is the way it is.”

But then you find a tiny bit of success, and cracks start to form: “Maybe I DON’T know everything. Maybe… Maybe change is possible.” And we develop a tiny bit of hope. Hope that we were wrong, and we weren’t seeing the whole picture before.

And we all know how powerful hope is. After all, Rebellions are built on hope, right?

And that tiny bit of hope combined with a little bit of action, repeatedly, eventually results in surprising, drastic change when we don’t even realize it.

We asked what surprised those of you who have found success:

I’m happier!

Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine. How I started liking foods that used to be absolutely disgusting, but now help me further my goals of becoming stronger. Also now I can run off walls and jump off any set of stairs and continue dashing like a free-running freak. That’s nice, too.

How much of a mental game fitness really is. Mind and body are truly linked.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Might sound cheesy but it feels good to feel good. Once you accept you are progressing at your own pace, that there will be ups and downs and not let them affect you as much as before, everything is becoming so much easier.

I feel lighter and more free.

Sitting there believing deep down you can’t change – that your problems are unique – is the very thing that needs to be looked at carefully in order to change. If you are part of the 75% who say you haven’t had success (yet), who just want to get rid of some belly fat, have some more energy in the day, fit into size 8 pants, feel comfortable in your own skin, who just want to be happy….

We have a message for you:

It IS possible, and it is absolutely worth it.

I want this for you so badly, because I’ve seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people in this community. A switch flips, they start to believe, and they then look back months/years later and discover just how much they have changed.

What will be different this year?

Most of us know what to do already. We know we need to eat less and move more. We know we need to change our relationship with food. We know we need to exercise more. At the 4,000 foot level, we get it.

As Morpheus tells Neo, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Ultimately, only through action can we understand how change really happens. But remember that we are all in this together: fighting against an entire world that seems designed to keep us down.

Looking through responses from thousands of people DID see lasting success with healthy habit changes, I noticed 5 big patterns repeating:

A growth mindset rather than a limited mindset.

Focus on the day to day habit building.

Not relying on motivation.

The right environment.

They started.

Let’s dig into those a bit more:

1) GROWTH MINDSET – The feeling that change isn’t really possible often sneaks up on us: “I ran on a treadmill and starved myself and I hate my life. I cannot get in shape.”

But when we looked through people who had success, they seemed to view that same event in a different way: “Okay, that didn’t work. Maybe this time I’ll try something different, like eating some more vegetables and going for a walk. I can do that.”

These people told us that they had to make a perspective shift:

“I have kids and a tough job and no time. I can’t get in shape.” becomes “Okay I have kids and a tough job and no time. What CAN I do with these limitations? I shall try that.”

Often, this involves needing to give ourselves a break. We DO have a lot of limitations and a lot of challenges to overcome. We should look clearly at them, acknowledge them, and then acknowledge that we are worthy of change and deserving of a better life. So, let’s work for it.

We then start to see previous attempts at getting fit as just that: attempts, not failures.

I loved this response too: How did you succeed? “By forgiving myself when I mess up but not letting it take over and sabotaging my quest.”

You didn’t fail, you don’t need to feel shame. You tried something, it didn’t work. Move onto the next one. You don’t need to feel guilt or self-loathing. You can change right now. Today.

Sometimes when I work on a puzzle game, I feel stupid when I can’t get it. But when I finally crack it, there’s no guilt or shame. I just change my behavior because I understand how to solve it now.

People who found their path to success said that more permanent changes didn’t get weighed down by their failures or missteps, but instead they turned them into opportunity to find what COULD work given their situation.

2) DAY TO DAY HABITS: The journey to Mordor happens one step at a time.

We cannot control what happened to us yesterday. We cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can only control our actions today.

This realization is something we heard again and again from those who found success. Like this response:

“I broke goals down in very small steps and made each step ridiculously easy to accomplish.

And it makes sense: We look at our lives… the weight we have to lose. The effort that change will take. How behind we feel… and we feel this dread and impossibility. It’s paralyzing. And that’s where the surprise comes in from those who actually start walking, taking one step at a time… it really is shocking how it becomes effortless.

Just do the next thing that you can control, and try to do it the best way you know how: We call this the “Minecraft method.”

3) NOT RELYING ON MOTIVATION: We saw a LOT of responses from people struggling who said they needed more motivation.

We all wish we had more motivation. What’s interesting is that there’s no secret energy tank in successful people compared to unsuccessful people. It’s not like those struggling don’t have motivation while those who have succeeded have TONS of it. They possess the same amount and have the same parts of their lives that zap motivation.

Successful people seemed to tell us that they didn’t rely on motivation!

Motivation pales in comparison to momentum. Here’s one response we received: “Once you create the habit, it’s so easy to maintain. The habit of working out and eating healthy is easier to keep than going out of your way to eat poorly or not work out. It becomes like a self-perpetuating machine.”

Like rolling a tiny snowball off a hill and watching it build size and speed, inertia takes over and it becomes a self-growing, unstoppable force. Check out these articles on building discipline and systems.

4) THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT:

We found a lot of responses from successful Rebels who knew that shaping their environment would lightly “nudge” them over the course of their day to greatly improve their chances of succeeding.

Like the Rebel who “threw [their] junk food in the bonfire and stopped buying it.” That’s a fairly dramatic response. But motivation is not necessary when you don’t have that food in your apartment to eat!

We heard so many different ways that people made their job EASIER. Many of us work hard, stressful jobs. And the natural response for many is to binge eat or quickly grab fast food to compensate for how hard or long we work. But a few tweaks in your work environment can go a long way.

Batch cooking helps to remove the willpower temptation for unhealthy food. Rebels who joined running clubs, The Nerd Fitness Academy or Camp Nerd Fitness Facebook groups found it easier to do their workouts. They cited these groups as huge reasons why they succeeded.

So many who succeeded talked about how they found supportive influences in their life (whether animate, or inanimate objects!). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Choose wisely!

5) TAKE ACTION:

Yes, as we learned from Rogue One, Rebellions are built on hope. But hope without action would have made for a painfully boring movie. We can hope for a better life. We can believe we CAN get to a better life. But action, even if it’s imperfect and incorrect, is better than no action.

Every single person who said they succeeded took action… often with a small tweak to something they’d done before.

This seemed to be the slogan that so many followed: “The idea that doing something, ANYthing, is better than doing nothing has been key.”

Do something different, and do it today.

Hope needs action. Otherwise it’s no different than hopelessness – nothing will happen.

So get started and do something today:

Try this workout.

Begin a walk to Mordor.

Cook an easy meal.

Join a group.

One less soda. One healthier meal. One 5-minute dedicated walk.

But do something!

I want to put you on this list at the end of 2017

http://ift.tt/2hHlVxD

http://ift.tt/2ipK8YG

http://ift.tt/2i4Yc6T

http://ift.tt/2i22C0q

http://ift.tt/2iQ9ay4