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slovo-theshattered-onion · 5 months

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Musings on my Own Neurodivergency

I'm not sure what's possessing me. For one, whatever it is, it prefers proper capitalisation in what should by all means be a ramble post and therefore lowercase; for two, it feels different to how I've felt in... Gosh, a very long time, now.

It's bigger, for one. It is still a prey animal, but only in the sense it doesn't search out meat for itself, doesn't hunt; it could, if it wanted to. Like a lot of non-carnivorous animals in nature, even though it isn't built for stomaching blood or tearing chunks out of flesh, it could, and at times will. When scared, mostly. When hungry. When lacking.

What I mean, of course, is how I interact with people. The natural bend of society may not be a primordial forest, no metaphor that relies on behaviour of wild animals could ever be adequate, but it illustrates my point; I'm not scared of my claws right now, even if I know they could slash someone without good reason. I'm not compacting myself. I'm dangerous as much as I'm in danger, and it feels... Okay, right now.

All of that preamble just to say, I really don't think 'autistic' is a label that suits me. (because i'm polite and know a decent amount about publicising, the rest is under the cut)

Externally, sure. My behaviour gets clocked by autistic people as prompt for a 'one of us, one of us, one of us' chant far more often than I could keep track of (affectionate, amused, absolutely strawmaning every autistic friend i ever had but only mildly), and I've identified with it for a very, very long time, because it came closest to having a community I could relate to. Internally, though?

It's... Harder to explain, but the vibes are off.

Doesn't say much on its own. The mind is fallible, the chemicals, hormones running the brain are not absolute nor divinely inspired, in a traditional sense. I've long since come to trust my vibe readings, though.

They allow me to reliably clock other people's feelings over text, sometimes before even they realise their mood/state of mind has shifted, for one. They allow me to understand writing on a viscerally intimate level, they allow me to conceptualise my own feelings when all there is in my brain and body is empty void.

The vibes I get from autistic people don't line up with mine, though they come much closer than possibly anyone or anything else. The logic y'all use is sound, not the least because you're aware of it, because you've had to think things through to a much deeper extent than most allistic people for half the credit, but it doesn't line up, doesn't rail on the same track as mine. It's close, annoyingly close for my liking as all I want is to belong, but it's... It's not right to my brain.

(small tangent to clarify: 'not right to my brain' is very specifically referring to My Brain and says absolutely nothing about objective fact. 'logic' is not, can not be, objective and i am not passing any moral judgement so much as i'm just bitching and moaning about not fitting in)

Take 'takes things literally', for example. I only recently learned, through this Ember Green video, that what it means in terms of metaphor is not necessarily 'panics when hearing 'break a leg' because they can't see that it's not a literal wish of harm on them' but something closer to 'pictures a broken leg while understanding the intention behind the words, very possibly even knowing the social context for how the saying came about'.

I fit that! Down to a T, my thinking does tend more literal in that regard, and in regard to questions like 'do you hate eye contact, yes or no' I tend to think 'no, i actually don't mind it sometimes'. Do I know what the question's actually asking is, if I struggle to make socially acceptable amounts of eye contact? Yes. Would my answer change based on that understanding? Also yes, I absolutely struggle to make 'acceptable' amounts of eye contact, and in fact I don't particularly love looking at people's faces too much- unless I really like them- full stop.

... Does it line up the experience of autistic people as I perceive it? Not quite.

The way I hear it described, it sounds a lot more... Natural. Like it's your first instinct, like you had to pick it apart to find where your understanding and thought process misaligned with the understanding and thought process of the people asking.

As far as I remember- which isn't saying much, emotional and literal amnesia barriers are a bitch- I could always at least glean the intricacies of that divide. As far as I remember, there used to be a time I was just as imprecise with wording, understood the core of what people meant when they used sloppy-ass definitions like that, all relatively intuitively- even I don't think I ever liked it much.

It feels like, at least the second example of my 'literal thinking' is a result of me getting deeply obsessed with writing, prose and word choice more specifically. It feels like a lot of my more internal symptoms are not that inherent to me, though the external ones I've clocked all the way back before spring of 2020.

I... Understood, social implication. I understood passive-aggressiveness, I understood hints, I've used both as manipulation, on purpose, as early as about 12. I understood for as long as I remember myself. Again, not much of a useful admission; my memory is incredibly, weirdly good at its best and unreliably faulty at its worst.

Still.

Learning about society and structures that govern it, learning about nature and bodies and minds and tools, watching, fucken, PhilosophyTube and whatnot, hasn't given me new intuition so much as it expanded, grew, budded out of a really small and relatively inconsequential seed that was always in the soil. Oh, there's plenty of new thought processes, plenty of new explanations of my logic, plenty of pedantic pickings apart of all the concepts I once held for granted!

The core, though, is the same. Live and let live, all people are unique in some way. If it doesn't demonstrably hurt anyone, let it be. I do remember, distinctly, thinking almost these exact words, so many times over my teenage years. Earliest I can remember is at my old laptop, mystified at some discourse I glimpsed somehow; maybe through my parents' routine argument about feminism, maybe through some kind of early left-tube video.

At that point, I was at least starting to think in English, lest I probably wouldn't remember it as my brain has banned all other languages. 7th grade, then? 8th? I went to school at 7 years old, skipped 6th, so probably also about 12 years old.

(yes, i did have to double-check on paper because i'm miserable with maths. you can't prove it in a court of law /j)

Either way, my point is, I've grown and changed since I was 12 (obviously), but it didn't come as a rebirth of any kind. There weren't big realisations about the world or other people, only a sort of 'oh, duh, fucking finally i have it in words'.

(unless you count the repeated, highly annoying, 'other people are just as complex and intelligent as i am' realisation that i have to drill into my head over and over and over and over and over every once a couple months. i prefer to ignore it in this context WHEEZE, it's technically less of a realisation and more of a practiced understanding anyway,,,)

Maybe that's the common experience for autistic people, too. Maybe it's just how most people think, even, maybe it's ye old confirmation bias. I know how to recognise when my brain is trying to talk out its ass about something it absolutely had no clue about, I know how to recognise I was wrong, most times I'm pretty good at both!! But I'm still human, still fallible, no matter how impressed the people who brushed up against my communication practice and social theory are with me.

I have always had somewhat of a god complex, but that's neither here nor there-

Anyway. That's just one example. Take 'likes strict routines' for another, and you'll find the biggest reason I don't want a 24/7 d/s dynamic is that the only routine I like to keep to is my tea making one in the morning, and the only one I ever struggled to break was taking my meds before bed.

At that, the meds were less of a routine and more of an addictive habit- not to the chemicals, I don't think, but to the safety of being assured I'll sleep soothing the anxiety of the danger losing sleep posed according to my mother- and the tea, I easily and without much thought fudge every once in a while. I don't care about routines; instead, I care about sudden changes of plans, or major changes in environment- expected or unexpected- possibly in a very allistic way, even.

I honestly have not studied allistic thinking enough to be able to tell. It's more intuitive, right? Not going through the logic of things but acting, far more split-second, in accordance with subconscious knowledge. That's what I gleaned, and I blame the very low amount of research done on allistic people for my knowledge gap. Anyway-

Yet another example, sort of related, is rules. The typical autistic stance on rules, as far as I know, is 'if it makes no sense i will Not Follow, if it does i Almost Certainly Always Will', and like... Yeah, sort of me! Not really. My 'tell no lies' rule, just like the rest, is not absolute and is active only when it is in line with my core aforementioned philosophy of 'if it doesn't hurt anyone, it's fine'. I dislike rules, and not just because I'm an anarchist.

If anything, it's the other way around. Realising on some level no rule could ever be perfect or all-encompassing has very much led me down the 'fuck it, no gods no masters' rabbit hole, and very much established in my mind that I must have a core philosophy, rather than a set of rules, if I want to be any level of sure my mind is flexible enough for doing as much good as possible in as many situations as possible.

I'm not a robot, and there're a lot of feelings mixed into this mess, but this precise bullshit is why I still struggle to think of myself as categorically a human. Am I homo sapiens? Uh, I sure hope it does (/ref). Do I think and feel in ways that the humans around me seem to display?

...

Come back with a warrant.

And that's the core of why I don't think I could be autistic, innit? Autism is for humans, even if it may make you feel like you aren't one. Autism has a community where it fits in, autism is a relatively common social difference, it is at least somewhat understood, at least possible to find insight on.

It is not, as far as I know, a common reason for feeling intrinsically alien to other people who have diagnosed autism, or people who self-diagnose as autistic. It is not, as far as I know, so deeply changed by learning about social justice that it becomes nearly unrecognisable as itself to an informed observer. It is not, to my understanding, very explicitly writing a story where the worldbuilding very explicitly included, and I'm very lightly paraphrasing the direct wording I still remember using here, 'a mental illness which is basically like, anti-autism'.

('anti' in this context is used as 'thematic opposite', not as 'i hate you and everything you stand for')

It's... Weird, to me. It's lonely, but validating. It's fun, comforting in a way and despairing in another, fucking miserable and the most exciting thing since Sigmund Freud's theories to my psychology-loving mind, it's torture of the unknown and it's very possibly got something to do with C-PTSD, it's incredibly hard to explain and trust myself on but it's what has felt true for years and years and has stayed far more consistent than, say, my Possible Plurality, it's every contradiction you can think of, and I love to gnaw on it like a wolf on a bone or a rabbit on tree bark just as much as I hate it, just as much as I feel compelled to crush it in my teeth as false and impossible.

It's annoying, is what it is, and I'm gonna go chew metal about it (/lh /j).

But yeah, there are my musings on my own neurodivergency !!! if u want to commint or have a convo in the reblogs. pblease do. just don't be a rudeass (to translate: basically just keep to no insults of anyone or any cruelty toward any group, i'm not about to tone police otherwise) because i'm not being paid for dealing with that and you will get ignored or blocked. godspeed out there 👍

#slovo talks #autism #asd #autistic spectrum #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodivergency #neurodiverse stuff #fuck if i know #mental health #anarchism #lol. lmao even #my personal posts and poetry have probably painted a picture of me as insufferable. oh well there's other bloggers #who can. not be that way. better than i can WHEEZE #hope this is a decent read :thumbsup: it is Long so it better be

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kateksmallcuteowl · 8 months

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Tagged by @asongaboutpirates to share 15 facts about myself.

/tries to go out of her shell/

1 I was always told to not post anything online, like I could watch the content, but not write something or post drawings because “posting in social media is like writing on the walls”. Didn’t work well.

2 Guess who started to draw and post gay sm*t at 11 y.o.🌚🌝

3 My first anime was Death Parade.

4 I know 4 languages, though I’m usually getting too nervous when speaking with real people and make extremely stupid mistakes even in my mother language😅

5 I study abroad. Surprisingly it ACTUALLY helps with anxiety. Like, I thought it would literally kill me to live in another country with a hard language on my own but I kind of learned to deal with imperfect results and mistakes that made me panic before.

6 I study Biology👌🏻

7 I went to a Bio-contests at school so except the useful information I got at the Uni, I also know millions of VERY interesting but EXTREMELY useless facts about nature😅

8 I once tried filling an anti stress coloring book. That was the most stressful experience in my life. So I moved on to drawing sassy fictional men🌚🌝

9 Don’t even talk about cancer with me if you don’t want to listen a 4h long monologue about how it works. Lol.

10 Of all Discworld characters I know, The Librarian is LITERALLY the most relatable of them all. I FEEL you, buddy.

11 I’m extremely bad at remembering facial features. Guess who chose drawing people as her hobby?

12 Even worse I’m in remembering any details, voices, instructions and structures in which I’m not specifically interested just right now. I just forget it immediately. That’s kinda distracting if I need to draw something unusual 🤔 But I have a superpower of re-reading my favorite books more than a hundred time and still go “wow, no way!”

13 I’m kind of a messy person, so all my Uni-notes, fotos, songs and procreate drawings are in a total chaos. Schedules and plans make me feel sick😅

14 I like cofee so much I can sell my soul for a good cup of espresso.

15 My favorite thing at drawing is making the work ✨shine✨ and I adore adding ✨sparkles✨ and ✨highlights✨ even if there’s no literal reason for them to be there🌚🌝 And the best bart of this plan is… no one can stop me.

/eheh, that was hard/

/crawls into her shell again/

Tagging @slowlymychaos @des-fangirl

#tag game #personal #ask game

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maythearo · 2 years

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MY QUEEN MAAAAAYYYYYY

IM BACK RIGHT HERE TO SAY I LOVE YOU

Not a specific reason to this confession, it's just I'm in a good mood and I want to distribute love. Like, I was gonna ask you something, but I need to answer properly you last post!

I relate to Luka very much. Sometimes I think my crush deserves someone's better and all, but at the same time... meh, let's not talk about it. THATS NOT THE REASON I CAME HERE. And plus, we share some Jamil HC's! But I also like to think he would tease sometimes the person he's in a relationship.

THE REASON I CAME HERE IS... What do you think about Fem Jamil? 👁👄👁

I wrote a fanfiction with my OC and her, and didn't completed it since last year. But yesterday I thought about returning to write it, but instead, I made a part 2 with another P.O.V (the original is Fem Jamil POV, now it's my OC turn). My mom jokes about og Jamil looking already like a woman and I should "leave him", but she don't know I'm into any form and gender that Jamil is. I LOVE YOU JAMIL VIPER

Ps: Don't worry about your cooking. Okay, I was surprised by the picture in the microwave (and I don't know what that thing actually is), but everybody starts little! My toscanas were actually burned when I started to cooking for myself. And yet, even if my food it's not good as my mom's and brother's food, it's good enough to eat (I think?).

Beijinhos e brigadeiros!

- The BR Jamil Simp Anon

HELLO ANGEL WELCOME BACK 👏👏 sorry for the late reply, I'm packed with work atm, I'm a little stressed, but seeing you in my inbox gives me a little boost of energy and a smile on my face 💪💪💪 thank you for the encouragement of my cooking, I usually use my intuition for it, and that's probably the reason why my food turns out so bad, but truly, the more I practice my chef intuition the better I'll get, or at least that's what I like to believe.

Luka, frying eggs: making breakfast for my beautiful husband 🥰🥰

Jamil, in another room: WHO'S TF IS BURNING DOWN MY KITCHEN

YES just YES for fem Jamil, I love when women. The other day while scrolling down instagram I found an art account with genderbend twst characters and I fell in love (again) with Jamil. I think his og appearance is fairly androgynous already, literally so gender, but still both sides makes me AAAÀAAAAAAAAA you know? Panic, despair, in a positive way. I haven't been able to find this said account in the depths of instagram anymore though :( I should have saved the post or something, but I'm sure I'll stumble upon it once again somewhere in the future

I'm rooting for a smooth creative process for your OC fic!!! I struggle so much as a writer, I totally understand having a project paused for a long time lol I have many....

Once I'm finished with work I'll definitely make more content of Jamil, I care about him a normal amount <3

#the BR Jamil simp anon

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berlinbisque · 2 years

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Proud Reject (Part 1)

I’m literally blind my eyesight has deteriorated further everything’s blurry the day starts in bed & ends like that too no sunlight no connection with the outside world no one to talk to just my phone and my thoughts & loads of tears… that’s how everyday begins and ends. Its not self imposed, this happens when you are isolated by people. I can’t type but I wanted to write this… I love this mini story or script more than my next book even though the book’s more interesting but out of personal choice I like the story which I’ll be sharing tomorrow more than that, it’s not on any professional level it’s just something I would’ve discussed with a friend and laughed ie. if I had friends, something started that particular “topic” and I couldn’t help wondering… what if?

My heart was in my mouth again cuz I received a reel on FB which had his friend Aditya (he was either pretending to be him in 2016 or he himself inspite of being engaged was interested idk) they were dancing like most tv ppl and I got another panic attack… my mother was already torturing me, I woke up with high fever I still have fever headache it’s been there since a week I’m getting wheezing due to continuous crying and I realised that he wants someone famous to make such videos too. Someone rich and famous like that. Even in abroad there’s no pressure, over there all those celebs (who are are much more popular) even the ones in their early 20s when they make videos that too just one or two out of fad, they film it on their cheap phones they don’t care about the blurry quality they are not trying to sell it, they just don’t care about all that and those who are of my age (still nowhere close to Aditya, he was older than Harsh also) some of them, even if they have all those pics that I personally like (with their boyfriends - trekking or at the lake, casual everyday candid shots) they still find it hard to cope with social media and they eventually take a break from it, had they been in my position they too would’ve ended up like this out of all that pressure. I can’t keep up with your life. Few things that I’ll like to share before starting with my story, A - the sketches I’m sorry if he was hurt. I had not made them, my book wasn’t like Rupi Kaur’s either it never had those intimate doodles. I think my mother stalks me (I don’t want to write about her publicly but I have to share all this please don’t judge me by her) and she has taken advantage of a lot of things and also challengingly said “Did anyone come to help you? Everyone hates you and no one pays attention no one cares, everyone wants you to die and you will die alone like this” she has also told me a lot of hurtful things related to that guy, taking advantage of that as well and and the problem is (my hands are cold n numb lifeless rn) I can’t convey my feelings directly through some app or something so I have to rely on these public posts NO MAILS he ain’t some God or Celebrity (being a celebrity means being celebrated not deprecated) I’m not some groupie or teenager to mail my fav celebrity crush and he doesn’t belong to any boy band. What’s in it for me? Will I be rescued from my mother or helped with my health issues which started DUE TO HIM? Or is he just gonna sit there reading my mail, getting happy with all the validation after which he’ll ignore it. Am I that? Hahaha I’m not into human worship. We are more focused on our lives… especially those like me in my position. She has told me several times that I’m a “sl-u-tt” for being in LOVE or for falling in love. She also came up with the forcer tag even thought it was torturous for me and I kept crying and saying STOP stop stop cuz for us as girls rape or force is worse than murder, I never wanted him to marry me just to take responsibility for his actions I never wanted to punish him with myself and I always respected him and I’ll continue to do so I’m not his fans to write cheap comments like I saw in that dancing video (they were writing about his shirt). That tacky shirt made the whole video even more disturbing, and I didn’t see the entire thing I was in the middle of a panic attack, I just saw one shot then I died. After that I vomited, my pressure was falling rapidly and I kept crying for days cuz you know what right… (25th Oct) anyway I never shared this (one more reason/aspect) like that Chote Pandit tells Ruhaan or Ruh Baba “Aap par aise chichore kapde jajte nahi hai” I was like aah that is what they call it… anyway haha but I don’t want anyone who is being an “eye candy” for other females on television, they come and hit on him in comments that too cheap comments. Yes everyone’s doing it but that’s why we are so depressed and you are anyway not with me I don’t even get a fraction of your day or time.

My mother used that word force several times (she has said other unimaginable offending things too) cuz I was crying and it was triggering me, she said it because I wanted him to say something (but we weren’t even discussing that) for talking or communication cuz I just wanted his OCD to break. It started within 24 hours and not how you might think we met on 2nd Oct then 2 years later 2nd April and I know that we all feel jaded to text sometimes or keep the conversation going, we might not feel enthusiastic anymore after that initial excitement or whatever but it wasn’t like that, if it would’ve been that I wouldn’t have even taken so much stress. We’ve all done that at some point in our lives, internet makes us lethargic, we also get addicted to more exploration or finding new people to talk to… we feel like we can do better or take our time to choose whoever’s the most ideal for us, but his case was totally different.

At some point we would all respond or say something maybe after a week or even after getting let’s say - reconnected after losing contact or reaching a temporary impasse. We wouldn’t hold on to any grudge or some kind of a “promise” he swore never to talk to me, there was nothing to be mad about, he just decided that we will never have any direct contact his parents also said “We don’t want to keep any talukaat (contact) particularly with your daughter” he kept liking my pics BUT not replying to any of the texts (when he started liking my photos religiously I texted him on FB messenger because I thought maybe my texts weren’t getting through and I wasn’t receiving his due to some glitch but he READ those FB texts and still didn’t respond) and even after that he was liking the pics then when I told him “Are u feeling sorry for me, why do you keep liking the photos, is it the BB pin what you wanted, I even gave you a reason that too it was all funny and I gave it the very same night as soon as I woke up in the middle of it I gave it” he removed me from the list after that. I am getting wheezing I can’t get overwhelmed I had shared the exact thing which I told him when he was asking for my pin (long ago) I can’t keep reiterating everything everywhere. He then kept blocking and ignoring my real account but speaking to the fake ID

The coincidences and those premonitions in my dreams had already started which made me more curious about his behaviour so I tried talking to him but that fake ID like I said was for my school friend who was also stalking me with her fake ID. And I would not see his stories or anything, I was playing her Snapchat story but his was queued so it started playing by default where I saw that training session. When I tried speaking to him using my real acc… he not only blocked me AS SOON AS HE HEARD MY NAME (like I said he wanted no “direct” contact between me and him) he also made his account private. He made me feel like a stalker, I had already started getting panic attacks and I had stopped watching TV it has been off since then (2015 Sept) I tried moving on in Aug itself but I told you what happened over and over again, same old story repeated heartbreaks… cuz they only wanted girls like me as a call girl and according to them only pageant winners or models, fair and rich or extremely famous girls even those with notoriety (nothing worth all that attention) who were out of their league were all meant for dating. I never fell in that category. Eventually they ended up with actual call girls. I have seen their pics and I’ve seen some in real life too. All those other girls whom they were chasing would treat them like “fans” karma. Not only actors everyone these days does that and then girls of my level (caliber) get married to roadside romeos and illiterate creeps/pervs cuz all those men also want someone out of their league and they prey on us… this is a common problem in India. Anyway like I said I just wanted to see if he still remembered me by the end of that year and if he still hated me (for no reason) I had not added him to view his stories but he blocked me and made everything private. I’m twitching it affects me subconsciously now… my mother also makes me feel like this after years of (weird) coincidences which were linked to him and all that insensitivity (the story escalated he never made peace his behaviour only got worse along with all that humiliating ignorance) since she called me a “sl-tt” for falling in love with him I eventually ended up telling her that her marriage was literally arranged it wasn’t a love marriage but yet she got prégnant so many times so was that out of love or lust? I never wanted to get on such terms with her but she would keep torturing me (she had thrashed me ruthlessly even after getting fibromyalgia several times cuz I have no one in this world to support me or tell her anything) she has in fact told me a lot of harmful and offending things (out of gloating) “Dekho kuch aur kabhi koi nahi mila iss aurat ko yeh akeli hi reh gayi” and laughed (I was 25) I’ve been getting addressed as aurat or woman ever since I was 12. I was told I should’ve drowned during 26th July floods and never returned from school I would sit on the stairs with my heavy bag famished and parched everyday after coming home for 2-3 hours cuz my mother would not leave keys for me, and then get tortured at home for another one hour, I would keep telling myself one day someone will come and all this would end but I ended up being bed ridden because of whoever came and it continued for many more years to come, all my youth and adulthood.

I was never a likeable girl whom you could fall in love with, I never had those superficial attributes (white complexion, money, fame etc. they would only try to treat us like call girls that’s why I’m a lip virgin) . When I said about love and arranged marriages she said she had every right cuz she was legally married and I’m a forcer rapist (for wanting to know the reason behind his sudden silence and that absurd behaviour) she keeps saying or blurting these things out because of unrequited love cuz no one likes or wants me, it’s perceived as a social stigma in India. Cuz there’s nothing from the opposite side not even care or basic concern as a Co-human literally how can someone be so insensitive? She says all that derisively, again out of gloating and competition just to pull me down as another female. Today things were worse even though I had wheezing and I’m still getting it + fever and headache. I’m gonna cut it short now I’ve written a lot…

So coming back to the OCD or whatever part where he had made a rule that there would be no direct contact - he would either speak to my fake ID or use his own friend’s ID but one of us had to be someone else. Go through this link: https://www.lilacnights.com/post/surprise The other day I murmuring in my sleep I was so disoriented I kept saying “Aditya came with his gf Aditi… God knows for what, Harsh was also 10 kms away Aditya had said he would go to some bakery in Kandivali for evening snacks Kandivali is where they would reside he was at his house even though he would always be 6 kms away which is Malad” then I said to myself “No wake up it’s Tanvi not Aditi obviously”

I had told you, the Devil or angels all these entities in fact can probably read our minds and you know when I was browsing certain quotes it’s as if they were talking to me… one of them reflected exactly what I was thinking a few days back - Since I had seen his house in 2015-16 I knew he wasn’t rich and like I said he wasn’t even that big on Instagram or FB no blue tick and 2500-3000 followers with 250 likes, from his (natural) pics I thought he wasn’t that good looking or fair (it’s just that he wasn’t very photogenic) and so I fell in love with him but then some tarot reader told me (I had to rely on all that cuz he was not saying anything) that he was reluctant cuz he thought I was like a gold digger so I started cutting down all my expenses worked on several articles for my blogs back then, I was 20 but I was trying to be as understanding as possible… I started buying things on Sale literally if you’ve noticed for 100s-1000 all these years because of my panic attacks I never saw him after 2016 Feb and I thought maybe that is what he wanted there was anyway no hope from the others, and I had coincidences or signs here so I thought I’ll do this and then I realised it was all futile, all the selflessness and altruism it just wasn’t worth it. I even wrote a letter and clarified/acknowledged that it could be one sided while also sharing my feelings for him cuz I thought he would also cut down on his expenses because his brother was jobless like mine. That’s why I hate today’s generation they ruin everyone’s life along with their’s but I’m from Gen Z I’m actually younger than his younger brother it’s just that they are always like that, they have no pressure or expectations. I poured lots of love in that letter for this part but he hated me and then he had that stage show with her which broke my heart and I never gave it and my mother also was about to hit me again cuz she secretly read that (it had nothing which could’ve made her that livid or furious not even like a proper I love you or anything) she just said “Stop trying to look great or good” I saw the Devil’s numbers so I’m guessing it was him you had read my mind when I was telling myself that it was all wrong, I shouldn’t have ever tried being ideal for someone like that when he was already well off or rich or good looking he never needed love like me that’s why he never even understood anything, I don’t know why his house looked like that or if like ppl say Gujjus actually hide money but it was all deceptive, he was already too good he never needed love he was in a way better position. I kept saying I should’ve enjoyed and loved my life instead of getting bed ridden and cutting down everything, living on that bare minimum stuff c’mon… he showed a quote which had the exact same emotions and it was talking about all this too.

Then there were more quotes again with my thoughts but with answers this time - As a piece of advice *clears throat* the Devil’s like “Times change, we change, our choices change too… maybe you should just live out your dreams now” the background images everything all the signs suggested/reminded me of the rest of the stuff, let’s say he wants some tv actress to make those stupid immature dance reels (remember what had happened last time right? Two of them in their 40s made a misogynistic video where he was liye talk throwing her around and getting abusive and for some reason that was supposed to be funny and then that guy that “actor” he actually slammed her head against the wall in real life cuz he was having an affair) the fortune telling app said he wants someone “talented” to make those reels and earn money ummm seriously? You are going to hold auditions and another Swayamvar for this? You actually need talent for such stupid ass videos? Really? 😂🤣🤣🤣 He reminded me of my dreams (ironically the Devil not him) and he’s right here so if he is “rejecting” me for these reels like overage teenagers then even I will say - I want some NRI who stays abroad and who will take me away from all this (I gave examples of so many famous celebrities from MY age group all these ppl making videos are older, those celebs they don’t do all this and even if they do it cuz it’s a fad now it’s shot on blurry pixelated quality for fun not money and some of them they take all those cute casual pics and use Instagram like a digital album like some of our Indian Bollywood celebs and that’s it, they don’t turn this into a career that too most of it is just for attention) so yeah he’s right if he’s rejecting me for that especially after I’ve become conscious I don’t even look good so yeah I’m not suitable for the camera I have become agoraphobic I haven’t left my room since 2017 I’ve become bed ridden and he is still thinking selfishly about his own life then I also want a rescuer an actual hero who will take me abroad because why is he even staying India? Just got fame right? You hardly get anything here, we needed something for our living room and bathroom some important fixtures and even there there’s literally no choice or even proper functionality. If you see the state of our roads or the air quality outside you’ll literally feel like shifting there… it’s getting worse day by day, we hardly get any quality product here, prices are getting hiked and unlike abroad there are no alternatives, I keep getting cheap ads from “homegrown businesses” in India who are busy making Sx toys, the land of superficial Kama sutra and Chappis or pervs what else do you expect? Indians don’t need beautiful cosy homes or designer spaces (that too in a budget) or other things such as good quality food or air or any kind of consumption like that cuz they are only good at fcking and having kids. Our population shows that there are literally no brains here… my head is paining.

My mother would never believe or support me when I would say I’m always about to face molestation in the school bus cuz I’m my stop was last and I would be the only girl left everyday I would force myself to somehow keep away my head wud keep banging against the window cuz I would get drowsy, they (driver and cleaner) didn’t even spare a KG toddler, I eventually took things into my own hand and the cleaner’s frustration was evident that day and when I grew up I saw smother school bus’s driver ogling me (when I was a teenager) in my car, I immediately looked behind to see if they were being accompanied by a teacher cuz that was a new rule but the teacher was sitting obliviously completely ignorant to that in her own sweet world… (Jamnabai Bus) another toddler’s case came on tv that year where they parents had paid 10k for her picnic where she was raped and the teacher kept threatening and manipulating and raping her repeatedly he was a sad case my hands are again I’ve cold I had to mention all that this is one more reason why I don’t want kids anymore and this country it’s unlivable. I can’t stay here. All my school friends are married to NRIs, and I don’t want to stay here either… in fact considering my thoughts and everything I should’ve been the first to move. All my school friends would think I was from there… Someone had even told me that I was too sophisticated to be here when it saw my old website (I don’t have it now) he was surprised it was made in India. We asked about the bathroom hardware btw, I just received a response and as guessed they’ve shifted everything to exports inspite being an Indian brand, all the good stuff is reserved for Dubai and other places… people who don’t deserve to be there (cheap bimbos) have already shifted, for me I just fell short of the mark because of my looks ur complexion I don’t know what to blame. Look at these beautiful velvety chenille cushions with all those intricate designs (traditional + Aztec) I have studied all this on my own… you don’t get this stuff in India btw, we get nothing here.

I somehow got those items, it’s me Zara after all I can’t keep something ugly or bad in that bathroom, there has to be congruity like everything else I’m always in sync with the universe. We felt like thieves though to buy things made in Rajasthan as if it was all smuggled. In India girls develop a defence mechanism from an early age, it might sound like really dreary and lascivious if I’ll keep bringing up this topic but in this particular article I feel like I’ll have to discuss it not explicitly but I’ll have to make you understand why as girls or more precisely as ineligible (darker toned females who don’t have a rich father to buy a bridegroom for her, who won’t be able to afford any dowry you might think times have changed BUT I literally heard someone in my own family shouting and saying “My best friend’s girl has several hotels at her name her father is a business tycoon and look at me I can’t woo anyone like that, where am I? Uske gf ke baap ki itni saari hotelein hai dekho and wht about me?” He doesn’t even want to get married. That same gf was so weird she had a deviant personality she locked him from outside while they were on a trip God knows for what reason and kept him under lock and key. He woke up locked in that room.

We deal with lecherous men from the age of 10-11 and all these educated men who are supposed to take care of us are feeding us to the wolves I wanted someone of my caliber to talk to who would understand my thoughts, who would’ve able to keep up with me and my conversations someone who himself is fathomable and not some illiterate incoherent cheap vulgar man like that creep from Bhopal YET I WAS FORCED to talk to him, they left me with no choice until I blocked him and he kept coming and harassing me, he was a perv and you know his story. Is that not FORCE? In fact it’s all UNFAIR it’s the other way round… I have dealt with married creepy ugly men touching me by taking advantage of the crowd on school trips - we feel molested and exploited we feel like killing ourselves, and when a girl gets rejected for no reason she didn’t even like got chance to probably get liked for her personality or other things (we put make more efforts than all those good looking fair rich girls hoping we’ll get chosen by someone or the other) but at the end we get rejected not only for love or CARE, (every girl’s fav word) but also for emotional, financial and physical security, we are deprived of that too. We can’t depend on our old parents when we are surrounded by so many pervs who are getting further encouraged by INTERNET. Now all the pseudo feminists will be like - “You can’t learn Judo Karate (some of us have certain illnesses and unfortunately the ones triggered by stress are skyrocketing amongst girls that too chronic destabilising ones like Lupus (systematic disorder) Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s syndrome, Neurasthénia which I got after fibro due to cov & 5th Mar stress ) They will say “You can’t learn kick boxing? Karate? Pork chop? Use pepper spray…?” At the risk of what? Incurring their wrath & getting acid thrown at our face? “You can’t ask for a raise?” They sometimes pay more to men cuz they are the sole bread winners in some families and at times single girls and boys BOTH are given a smaller paycheck. There are places where they do add more zeroes for men but even after bringing up that topic things haven’t changed for us… next “Why can’t you work during your pregnancy why take a maternity leave? You are a woman we are strong invincible we don’t need that, how old fashioned? Why take an epidural? Why Caesarean? Why can’t you juggle work life and kids both? Why have children? Too primitive? Why can’t you have kids? Too ambitious? (Well there are several other reasons) Why be a homemaker? Why become a working girl? Be modern we don’t work 9 to 5… Why can’t you just party, booze and smoke and then grow your own weed, sell it & become an entrepreneur… like a female Pablo Picasso… why can’t you? Is it only for men?” All these pseudo feminists will immediately ask these things, the moment you talk about being deprived of emotional, physical or financial security which is like the need of the hour right now for females they’ll start asking such nonsensical questions that you’ll feel like pulling a trigger in your mouth instead of answering them. But what I meant to say is that is what rejection is for us. We have no hope left and our future becomes uncertain and scary. Speaking of wanting to move somewhere abroad… I would’ve probably stayed back if I had someone here, you stay for people you love… I have no one to keep me here, they actually all want me to die they are waiting for that. No one cares about my life or me…

Considering everything that I had to hear… (my head is paining so please ignore all the errors/typos) and how people have behaved with me especially him and my mother, I don’t want that forcer chaser tag anymore so if you are ready to accept me only then you can approach or if you want be friends then I’m also cool with that but don’t be fickle like him, if you are not sure then either stay away or be honest… if you don’t want me but still want to be around and if you are okay with risking your integrity although I’m very good at keeping secrets then we can have a half open marriage like I had suggested earlier. I had written all this long ago…

Girls like me who are considered “untalkable” can only dream of a platonic relationship… in my dreams sometimes I have someone by my side holding my hand when I feel like I’m dying during those convulsions or tremors and violent jerking/twitching throughout my body, I get wheezing too and even my heart muscles go through that; having said that in real life it involves romantic feelings minus intimacy and it’s unimaginable to think that someone would like us, we can use the other house mates alternative which again considering how he has made me… ugly and all and how much my mother hates having me around, I feel it would be difficult for someone to put up with me in the same environment, she keeps praying for my death cuz she “cannot stand me” (just like the guy I loved the most) and ego would want to hang around? I always wanted to be with him, watch TV, shop together, put my arm around his neck, talk, do fun things like sharing those interesting or unbelievable bizarre stories (well I have a lot now) build our home, decorate it and spend our life together, now that life is gone along with 8-10 years of my youth, I could never be with him. When they create characters like us on screen they show us like psychos, one sided forcers, they do cover these things like watching tv or preparing breakfast but we are still shown as some creep who is forcing someone to be around & craving for their presence, fighting for their time and attention. They depict us like those psychos and we end up feeling more scared 😱 hence we never talk about this. Speaking of mutualism, well maximum of these stories start off as not only mutual but also with loads of attention from the opposite side, they lure you and then humiliate. Also, who would want to watch TV with me? I can crack jokes and make you laugh if you want to be House Mates, you won’t get bored and if you aren’t like my mother then you’ll even get used to my appearance and it won’t bother you after some time. Platonic is where you can watch movies or tv together, as house mates we can use the living area as a common room apart from that we will have our own space where we can stay separately, My head is paining a lot and I have a lot of fever so I’m gonna continue the funny story tomorrow…

Gn Zara Sauleh

Coincidences - www.lilacnights.com/post/stupid-cupid

My Dream Life 👇🏻

Just so you know… this is My Dream Life. This is what I want, a warm cosy home, sunsets by the lake, Amsterdam canals & rivers, round windows, quaint little shops, egrets & ducks, some puppies, warm amber lights, 90s vibes, freshly baked viennoiseries 🥐 and love + a little bit of tranquility. Credit for videos - | utrechtalive | & | elbgestoeber | (couldn’t tag cuz I’ve seen some bloggers asking ppl to take down their videos so didn’t want to tag them I have added their usernames)

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xtrablak674 · 6 months

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My Last Relationship

[I haven't dated anyone since '08 which is sixteen years ago. The following is a letter my ex sent me clearly in response to something I had sent him. With so much perspective now I am posting this letter and commenting within it on my understanding of the events looking back on them now.]

Trevor, I was very excited and hopeful after our online talk about our status, but after your email I was taken aback and disappointed. It has taken me a few days to digest your writing and to respond in a way that is true to my feelings. I hope you understand.

You wrote in the subject area "looking forward" but I only saw you looking backward, and I feel the need to defend myself, unfortunately. I have apologized several times for slapping you on the chest, and I take full and total responsibility for my actions. However, you continue to act as if this action occurred in a vacuum, as if I decided for no reason to hit you in public. Let us remember that I was responding to you shoving your hand into my ass in a crowded store and violating me. I may have broken your trust, but you broke mine too.

[Re-reading my journal entries from this era it seemed that intimacy public or otherwise was an ongoing issue with Karl and I. Part of it was I think something physically was going on with his body health-related, another part I think was his own emotional baggage and with my perspective today possible drug usage. He was very performative in his life always trying to be something that everyone else wanted as opposed to just being himself. I recall his feeling the need to dress as I dressed albeit that would not have been appropriate to who he was at all.

In my recollection of the events on the escalator, I was playfully grabbing at his ass, not sexually violating him. It is curious the deflection of his actions into my being responsible for them. The classic sign of an abuser in my opinion, they aren't culpable for anything that they do, you're actions or words made them do it.]

I am still sorry for what my reaction to the situation was but the fact is that you created the situation by humiliating me in a public place.

[I am still shocked to even read this, but I acknowledge it as his perceptions of events. We live our lives by how we perceive the world and these views are colored by our frame of reference, upbringing and emotional traumas.

Its not how I viewed the situation in the least. I never felt once like I was humiliating him, and would never try to humiliate someone publicly. I was trying to be affectionate in a semi-public situation, we were positioned in a way on that escalator that no one could really see our interaction unless they were actively seeking us. It's very curious his distortion of intentions and how this relates to his self-worth and body image issues.]

My only intention was to get you to STOP touching me inappropriately in public. My reaction was unfortunate and I have apologized. An open handed slap on the chest is still violence, and I do not believe that solves anything. I make NO excuses for what I did, and if I could have it to do over again with forethought I would take a different route, that, unfortunately is not a possibility. It was a mistake, done without thought in a moment of complete panic. I am still sorry but I am done saying I am apologizing.

[How did this innocuous interaction escalate into panic, sexual violation, and humiliation? #TheMathIsntMathing To the best of my recollection I don't think he said anything to this effect in the few short minutes this occurred. I also recall a fist in my chest, not an open-handed slap, which would literally hit differently. Emotionally I remember being totally shocked, appalled and confused that Karl just punched me in my chest!

It took a few seconds for me to compose myself, because even now I thought I was being playful, not annoying and he wasn't sending me any signals otherwise. In hindsight I think there was something else going, I am not sure if it was sexual abuse in his youth, or a possible rape or some other kind of psychological trauma. But I think even to a passing viewer, nothing I was doing appeared malicious or inappropriate even in a public venue.

Coupled with his what would become apparent later, his drug usage, I don't think I was the person at fault here, no matter what he may have thought I was doing. His perceptions of others was being coloured by experiences I wasn't aware of them and am still not aware of now. I am not saying I was the perfect boyfriend and that there weren't things I was culpable for, but loving a person and showing them affection aren't anything to apologize for.]

You keep saying that you "modeled" the type of apology you expect from me. Guess what, I am a grown ass man. I do not need you to teach me anything. I apologized in my way. If that is insufficient to you then don't forgive me. I will move on. However, you speak about forgiveness at great length. If you forgive me, then we can move forward, forget about the past and work together toward a future. If you can't I understand, I will be disappointed in myself, but I wish you the best and I will move on with my life. You can't change me Trevor, and if you want to mold me into a different type of boyfriend then a relationship between us will never work. I will ALWAYS strive to be better than I am, but I need support in that endeavor, not guidance.

[Curiously, he later told me, because like many couples we had post-breakup sex, that he thought we could get back together. I was gob-smacked by that admission. How on goddess's green earth did he think I'd get back into a relationship with someone who hit me, and then turned around and tried to make it my fault? That is a classic sign of intimate partner violence, shown in every movie and television show.]

You seem to be very upset that the affection you showed me was not returned in kind. Your words have also made is clear that you feel I didn't show you the same type of affection and that you have been hurt by this. I can understand this. You treated me wonderfully. I felt loved and cherished when I was dating you. Since then, I have felt belittled and terrible about our time together. It has become very clear to me that everything you did was because you expected something in return, not for altruistic reasons.

[This is funny, is he conflating the role of a lover with a parent? Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, but a lover has emotional needs, and if those needs aren't reciprocated, why should they stay in that relationship? Its not necessarily that you're giving something to get something, but how can I keep pouring into you and never have anything poured into me?

I know there was an age difference between us but not as significant that I would be parental to him, but I can't know what he thought. I do recall that I was the more fiscally responsible, stable and orderly between the two of us. Simple logistics seemed to elude him, and his unemployment was in large part due to his lack of follow through. More and more it does seem the right decision that we parted, not that I ever regretted that decision.]

Remember how much I resisted you spending money on me because I was worried it would be thrown in my face later? Well, I was right after all, wasn't I? And a lot of the stuff you did for me wasn't really for me, but for what your idea of romance is. What in my character would lead you to believe I would want rose petals in bed? That was for you, not me.

You have said repeatedly that you have given me opportunities and left the "door open" for me to "win" you back. I have no interest in playing that game. You set expectations for me to meet and then get disappointed with me when I don't meet these arbitrary guidelines. This is not a game to me, Trevor. You are much much more important to me than that. I have no interested in trying to "win" you back. If you want to get back together with me then I will work very very hard every day of my life to make our relationship work, that is the only thing I can honestly promise you. If it didn't take hard work then it wouldn't mean anything.

Finally I want to say a few words about my feelings for you that I don't really think you understand. Ever since you broke up with me (yes, that is how is happened) I have felt that we would end up back together. In fact, the day that you contacted me on IM my principal was asking about you at school and asked what happened between us. My final word to her was, "I think we'll probably end up together." I still feel that way. No matter what comes between us, even you have to admit there is so much more that seems to be drawing us together than has pushed us apart. Sometimes I even get the feeling that I was drawn to the Brooklyn simply to meet you.

It is silly, I suppose. I have never really given much credence to fate or destiny. But Trevor, you feel so right in my heart and in my arms. We have lived very close by coincidence for many years. Our timing worked out for both of us. I moved into your best friends house totally by accident. On New Year's Eve, near midnight I went for a long walk around my neighborhood to think about my future and what I wanted for it. I came across a piece of graffiti that struck me. It took me awhile to recognize it. You will find it at the bottom of this page. It took my a while to recognize it, but when I did the meaning was clear. Think what you will, but I think it was a sign.

I will work at being a better man for you for a hundred years if you allow me too. You are beautiful, flawed, intelligent, egotistical, talented, sexy, funny, fun, thoughtful, crazy, romantic, kind, trustworthy, interesting, dynamic and most of all human...everything I have every wanted in a life partner. Neither one of us is perfect and we won't EVER be. I have no interest in perfection, I have interest in you. I am a better person when you are in my life. I love you Trevor, no matter what happens between us I will love you until the day I die.

In closing I can only tell you again what I have to offer you. Effort. I will work everyday to make a relationship work. I am not looking for perfection because I can't give it in return. I will disappoint you, I will make you angry, I will make you sad. That's part of life. But I will try every day to make you a better person, just like you make me one.

Love, Karl

[I truly have no response to his final words. We saw our relationship clearly with uniquely different eyes and I don't think any amount of continued discussion would have amounted to anything. I didn't share his feelings at all in regards to us having a chance. I will own definitively that I broke up with him, perpetrating violence on me once is a major deal-breaker and there's no where to go from there as far as I am concerned.

What is curious to me is that the people in his life inquired about me, and where I was much more than the people in my life. I mean I had his mom emailing me things like 'I look forward to meeting you', so I am not going to discount that I had mom-approval and I hadn't even met her yet. It give me a great understanding that his perceptions of me and his feelings of me were sometimes incongruent and in conflict with his past traumas.

As I am finishing up this journal entry I have peaked at some of my instant message conversations and emails with friends at the time and whoa-nelly there was so much more going on, I was telling a friend that Karl had become unhinged and then you can really see him emotionally unravel in an instant message conversation, of course I am going to go read all of that to give me more context, but there was so much more going on offline that can't be properly included here without casting Karl in a darker light and that would never be my intention, Karl was who he was, I am who I am and we tried something I had never done before to attempt a romantic relationship with someone I had primarily a sexual relationship and it clearly failed.

The picture Karl attached was actually a tag which I am sure he saw in my first art exhibition because he attended it. I have included that image instead of his because the sentiment is the same albeit how that related to me and him, I will never know or understand]

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#intimate partner violence #domestic violence #queer #mental health #relationships #boyfriends #dating #letters #past trauma #apologies #breaking up #relationship issues #lovers #trick #emotional intelligence #emotional maturity #class differences #low self worth #low self esteem

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meroppi · 11 months

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Teeny tiny bit bored in my English advanced class so I'm writing an actual introduction for this blog snsnsbbss (I finished it a week later in class)

THIS IS EXTREMELY MESSY I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND

|• Hi!! My name is Flappy or Merrie (though you can honestly call me whatever), I'm a biromantic and asexual demigirl, go by she/they pronouns and speak German and English (+ currently learning Norwegian Bokmål and Latin [yes I'm trying to actively speak Latin(update: it is not going well)].

|• I suffer from strong depression and a panic disorder so if I just like.. disappear for some time don't worry!! I just started medication so it should get better soon but just in case qwq I'm also pre-diagnosed by my therapist and psychiatrist as autistic, I'm still waiting for a proper diagnosis but just as a heads up!!

|• I also might be absent because of school (⁠ヘ⁠･⁠_⁠･⁠)⁠ヘ⁠

I'm currently trying to obtain my ✨ Abitur ✨ (Germany's matriculation examination) and 12th-grade science profile with chemistry, biology, and English as advanced classes is fucking me over rn

Idk what I wanna do after school, I'll probably study either something science (marine biology) or something art related (comic & concept art)

|• My hyperfixations change every 2 days it feels like but as of making this post I'm currently very interested in: Valorant, Black Butler, Genshin (again smh) and Baldur's Gate 3

You can just check my recent reblogs they usually reflect my current interests very well

|• Additional fandoms of mine include: Yu-Gi-Oh (especially Zexal), Pokemon, Spy x Family, Demon Slayer, Akudama Drive and The Legend of Zelda

|• I LOVE music (I play keyboard ⊂⁠(⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠*⁠⊂⁠)) and I'd say that my music taste is very broad. My top 3 genres are electronic music, swing, and indie/goth rock with my favorite bands/musicians being Daft Punk, Kraftwerk, Depeche Mode, Lady Gaga, Myth&Roid, and (G)I-DLE

|• I also love drawing but I usually have very long burnouts so don't expect too much.

|• ALSO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEND ME ASKS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!! I am extremely shy so I usually don't engage first but you can always send me asks because I CRAVE moots and I will literally answer anything

|• That's it, if you have any questions don't hesitate to send me asks \owo/

#outdated

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cinnamonfridge · 11 months

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Okay, I am officially putting this out there because I am tired of all the BS anonymous asks I keep getting about it.

Yes, I have my suspicions as to what @nanowrimo is using as justification for banning my accounts along with Danni's.

I gave them a warning about the message Danni had on her site after she took it down to do a major overhaul after evidence was posted on the forums that staff knew that participants had been stalking us online since at least may and had said nothing.

Understandably upset about it, she asserted she would not allow that to stand. I sent a PM to Marya and Letitia with a screenshot of the message from her site and when Letitia said they would ban Danni if she did anything on the forums I pointed out, quite correctly it turns out, that was unlikely to be the case. I literally told them that I suspected Danni was going to go to the Discourse hosting team and make a formal complaint. And it turns out, that's exactly what she is doing.

Based on my personal experiences dealing with them in the past on similar issues they could rule either way, and if they rule in favor of Danni I know how that ends, and it would suck. That's literally why I said I wasn't okay with what Danni was doing. If she wins, NaNoWriMo loses their forum hosting.

The fact that they claim I sent threats is a damn lie.

At this point I'm waiting for a response from HQ in relation to the email I sent about the unfair suspension of me because of Danni's actions. My response will depend a great deal on that.

Right now I'm hurt. Not angry, just hurt.

And for the record, I've been accused of a lot of shit on the forums including being a child predator. Yeah, no. Literally everyone who knows me will tell you I don't go near kids or teens of any age willingly. They're literally one of the primary triggers of my panic attacks for $deity's sake!

I've been accused of engaging in role playing with teens. Nope. One of my cardinal rules of moderating is you NEVER engage in any kind of role playing with users you're responsible for moderating.

I've been accused of inviting teens to a fetish website that I host that belongs to Danni. Again, no. Ignoring the fact that Danni would kill me if I had, when Danni took over the site from the friend who was the previous owner the first thing we did was go through and purge anyone under 18 we could find. Furthermore, in that time she and I have removed THOUSANDS of posts and stories that fictional or not, talked about sexual activity involving minors.

Sadly, that sort of content isn't uncommon with this particular fetish simply because many people with it discover it in their teens. It doesn't make it okay, and previous admins allowing it is, quite frankly, horrifying.

In fact, just a week ago Danni and I were talking about purging everything and starting over from scratch to get rid of that god awful legacy.

We're still discussing it now in fact. But now she's adding a condition that discussions of NaNoWriMo will never be allowed again. And can't blame her, although considering it's a fetish writing forum it's gonna have an impact because you know, on a forum with thousands of writers naturally some are going to be NaNoWriMo participants and want to talk about it.

Oh, and if you think staff didn't know I host that site? Think again. The entire mod team knew I hosted a fetish writing site for a friend, but I never went into specifics with anyone but Tim Kim and Heather Dudley. And I made damn sure they knew exactly what kind of site it was because I knew someone people would find out and try and pull the very shit they've been pulling now.

And one last thing I want to say as I close this. If anyone did a background check on me they would find exactly one instance of me having any issues with the law and that issue? An assault charge because put a pedophile in the hospital when I caught him trying to kidnap a little girl.

#nanowrimo

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harbingrs · 1 year

Text

I haven't posted a proper update since I remade, and I don't know if I'd really posted anything for a while before that, besides something about travel photos. I'm also wary of bad faith takes, and it's not something that makes me very proud, but I've been pretty frank since I remade my blog so here's what's happen happening:

Was suffering from burnout and a ton of work-related anxiety, couldn't get any help for that and had to keep getting through it until I got laid off out of the blue in December. Had the most stressful few weeks of my life (up until that point) trying to wind up all the work in time

Spent 6 weeks in the US visiting my sysmate's fiance & then my partner at the time, which was 100% the greatest experience of our life

Got back in January set to do freelance work - my disabilities mean feasible jobs are rare (anything fully remote in my industry is typically contracting, not employment). I think it took about a day and I had a complete breakdown - it was definitely the worst derealisation episode of my life.

I wasn't in a position to actually look after myself OR hospitalise myself (no income to keep rent paid, no one to look after my cat, not even able to coordinate anything for myself, etc) so I've basically just had to drag myself through life in that state four months, with whatever help people could give me and selling everything I own, plus whatever work I could get/do.

It's been the most stressful and nightmarish experience I've ever had, honestly, every single week I've come close to being evicted with nowhere to go, and I haven't had food consistently since I got back. I've been on and off meds since I can't always afford them, and most of the time I can't think clearly enough to actually take care of myself.

My anxiety was already a daily issue but since then it's been at a level where I'm just non-functional as a person. The panic is near-constant and I struggle to cope with literally anything that happens or stay calm on my own. I've been suicidal literally every day because I just can't manage my own life or find a way to fix everything, so it doesn't feel like there's any other choice.

All of this completely destroyed my relationship, which is devastating, but it was definitely more than anyone can be expected to deal with. I've been so erratic and frantic every day and panicking when I'm left alone at all because I can't cope with anything, and it's a complete mess.

It's just been a downwards slide of everything getting worse and worse financially, my relationship falling apart while not being able to stop it, not having the capacity or time or energy to try and find resources/charities/etc that can help me, etc. The past few weeks I've also had a lot of pain and general unwellness from gallstones which has tanked even my ability to do the little bit of work I was doing before, or to keep finding resources to help me.

I still have the same issues with being able to hospitalise myself that I had back in January:

I don't have friends/family nearby to help, which means no one to look after my cat and no one to advocate for me outside the hospital. I'm fucking terrified that if I go in there being honest about how badly I can't take care of myself, I'm going to end up under guardianship of the state or my abusive family, and I don't even know which is worse.

I also don't have any money or income, the overdue bills and rent are piling up, and being away for even a few days will mean losing my home and all my things while I'm away. It also means I couldn't pay someone to feed my cat while I'm gone.

I'm also going to lose the few regular writing clients I've been able to get on board on the past few months, including one opportunity that's my ideal career, but I'm not keeping it together well enough to do the work.

Honestly, I'm at the point where being put under guardianship etc or in some kind of facility is starting to feel like more of a relief than a threat, because at least I wouldn't be battling this hard to take care of myself each day. And that's not said lightly because it's my worst nightmare, but I've been completely overwhelmed for four months just trying to make it day by day and I can't see myself surviving like this.

I know the risk is a lot higher because I don't have support people or advocates etc here, and if it sounds like I'm just catastrophising, I'm really not because I know the extent to which I can't manage my own life right now. If I lived with a spouse/family/etc I know it's not something they'd do as long as someone was looking out for me, but especially without a home or possessions when I leave the hospital, I don't think they'd just release me into the wild after a few days. Again, if they did, it would only be because I lied about my capacity to actually look after myself, which won't help me.

This isn't where I ever pictured my life being - I've always been the kind of person to stay externally functional no matter what. But this is unlike anything I've ever experienced and it just gets more and more terrifying, and the more I panic, the more I just alienate whoever I'm talking to because I'm being a crazy person. And somehow I'm still out here having to fend for myself each day, and I don't know how much longer I can survive like this - every day feels like I'm not gonna make it through.

I feel like I'm either in complete panic mode or physically ill from it or completely exhausted from it or it's taking all my energy and focus just to keep myself from panicking, and in none of those states am I actually capable of running my life and making a living. I think I find the new meaning of 'rock bottom' about once a week and I am really, truly stuck.

#posts #personal #suicidal ideation cw #note that even well-meaning suggestions might not help right now #unless you have detailed knowledge about welfare/hospitals/resources/etc in my country/state/city #otherwise there's a lot of explaining I have to do to respond and explain why something won't work #and that's also something that makes me really anxious to need to do #I might come back and edit this later because it's embarrassing but I genuinely don't even know what I'm doing right now

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allisonlol · 3 years

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Hey! how are you doing? I hope your doing good ^^ I hope I'm not breaking any rules by requesting this but I was wondering If you could write headcannons for Chuuya, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Ronpo just Chuuya and Dazai if it's too many with a S/O who loves playing games online with their best friend who they spend hours online with and are always in their room or on their phone talking to them on discord and they're really close and have even talked about meeting? Sorry if this isnt detailed enough

a/n: ur not breaking any rules at all !! this req is relatable so ofc i will write it <3

warnings: none!

(Chuuya, Dazai, Aku, Ranpo) with a S/O always playing games/on the phone

Chuuya

he’s gonna get jealous if ur spending most of your time talking to friends online instead of him

there’s just no way around it

does get curious about who you’re talking to and asks about them a lot

will wander into ur room while you’re playing games just to watch

likes to play the games with u sometimes but beware bc he will rage

(i have a whole other post about this specifically out there somewhere…)

gets frustrated listening to you laugh and talk to ur friends on the phone

literally sits next to you and POUTS like “😒”

because that attention should be on him !! HE should be the one making you laugh !!

chuuya has definitely snatched the mic away from you at one point to yell at the people on the other end 💀

typical overprotective boyfriend…or somethin’

once you start mentioning that you want to meet your online friends irl, he’s gonna get so nervous that ur replacing him ?? sweetie it ain’t that deep-

at the end of the day he knows that he can’t control who you’re friends with, and will let you meet up with them on the condition that he goes with you…🙄

Dazai

guess what lol

your internet friends are now also HIS internet friends

is definitely in the same discord server with you

they all adore your boyfriend sm 😭 and even ask you to hand the phone over to him occasionally so they can talk to him LMAO

the second dazai saw you talking to people online he demanded that he got to talk to them too…and that’s how the group friendship started

he’s not a big fan of video games so he’ll simply spectate all of you playing together while dropping commentary here & there

he doesn’t get too jealous if you spend a lot of time talking to them

in fact dazai is quite happy that you have such a close friend <3

however if it gets to the point where you’re in ur room for like 10 hours straight with no break…

he MAY order you to get off the mic and spend some time with him instead

once you start talking about wanting to meet up with ur friend, he’s all for it !! will definitely go with you since he’s become pretty close with the person as well 😭

Akutagawa

another jealous bby

is simply not going to tolerate you spending so much time talking to friends and NOT him

will rip the phone/mic from your hands and throw it across the room

“i want your attention on ME. not them.” is all he’ll say 😭

you have to explain that these people are your FRIENDS and you’re entitled to spend time talking to them lol

gradually he’ll get more used to it

doesn’t mean he’s happy about it tho

still wants to spend time with you so he’ll just…hover while you’re playing games/on the phone

pretends to be doing something else but is actually listening to your side of the conversation

kinda stalker-ish aku…😁

he doesn’t mean it in that way lmao he’s just curious

like chuuya, he panics a bit once you start talking about wanting to meet up with your internet friends irl

except he’s more concerned for ur safety

will accompany you and kinda monitor from afar while you meet up with them 😭

Ranpo

my beloved <3

but…he’s kinda the worst in this situation lmao 😭

this is a man that requires a LOT of attention. like…your 24/7 uninterrupted attention

so needless to say he gets super pouty and whiny when you spend all your time talking to online friends instead of him

(ur kinda insane for this 🤨 who in their right mind ignores THE ranpo…)

i’m only kidding

will barge into your room DEMANDING that you spend time with him

continues to annoy you until he gets what he wants

will GRAB the phone from your hands and start interrogating the person on the other end ??

“who are u and why are u taking my s/o’s attention away from me” >:(

ranpo has definitely pulled the plug on you while u were trying to play with them 💀

gets on your last nerve until you’re basically forced to give him all of your undivided attention

even then he’ll pout if you so much as get a single notification from your online besties

don’t even bring up wanting to meet with them irl, he’ll talk you down from that SO fast

a/n: how is it already 3am tf. also i have no power and it’s super hot in my room & my phone’s gonna die help- but ne ways this was super cute !

thank you!

#chuuya x reader #chuuya x you #dazai x reader #dazai x you #nakahara chuuya #bsd x y/n #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #dazai x y/n #dazai headcanons #dazai osamu #chuuya imagines #chuuya headcanons #ranpo x you #ranpo x reader #bsd ranpo #ranpo edogawa #ranpo headcanons

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crackedcrystal · 2 years

Text

Intro Post

Sup, welcome to my Whump Blog.

I'll probably update or edit this post as things go along.

You can just call me Cracked or Cracked Crystal or whatever.

I go by she/her.

To start off, ever since I was young I've been drawn to these types of things. I just kinda like them, and sometimes they'll give me butterfly-type feelings. Which I kinda seek everytime.

I didn't really understand it, and I would write about it without knowing what it was. So later on, it was nice to learn I wasn't alone on this. But since I'm incredibly shy I just kind of looked at alot of whump-relates Tumblr blogs without making an actual account for over a year I wanna say (I have way to many saved tabs lol).

I got a boyfriend, he already knows and we happily tease about it together. In fact, you have him to partially thank for the existence of this blog.

I'm into art. Both traditional and digital. I still have yet to set up a thing for commissions but I do want to at one point. I also have a different and regular Tumblr account but I'm going to do my best not to link the two, obviously. This is just for whump stuff.

I also have stories and as a result- alot of OCs. Which I'll probably be making art of in the future and posting here. (Although I can't gurentee every single OC post will stick around depending on what I do with the stories in the future)

I hope to get more engaged in the community, despite my shyness (about everything lol). I'm not really worried about popularity or anything like that. But if you have any questions or want to talk feel free.

My OCs (All with some sort of ability and strong whump potential) - (DMs only (sorry))

Whump events I've participated in:

Whumptober 2022 (Masterlist)

Febuwhump2023 (Masterlist) (comepleted)

-Now for my whump trope list-

In no particular order

Absolute favorites

Lab and subject expiements stuff

Magical and power caused whump. Either by curses or side effects to that ability (I like to get real particular and specific with it too lol)

General weakness

General Fear (and sometimes paranoia)

(intense) nightmares

Passing out

Bleeding out/Blood loss

Impaled or stabbed

Dizziness and vertigo

Unconfused eyes and mental confusion

To weak to stand/faltering

Coughing up blood (or some kind of blood equivalent)

Cuffs, Chains, or bound whumpee (+struggling and straining)

Entanglement or trapped in a vulnerable spot

Vines or ya know, the restraints that are alive or controlled by an outside force.

Whumper become the whumpee

A sudden cause of pain that takes whumpee by surprise

The pain or weakness eventually overcoming a very determined or emotional whumpee (suddenly succumbing)

Self inflicted wounds

Painful nessiarily for healing or getting over something worse

Posioning/posioned

Betrayal and backstab (mayhr even revealed by a physical attack, such as a literal stab).

Smart whumpee slowly manipulating the current situation to their benfit, but still having to go through all the suffering regardless to get to a point.

Vampire whump (both victim and vampire)

Snakes. Squeezing and posion bite.

Choking and stragulation

Breath knocked out (and that's just the start of what's to come)

Being dragged towards the danger

A lil' bit of manhandling

Long progression of curse or posion that slowly gets worse (and worse).

Some psycological and moral complexity of the whumpee, whumper, and/or caretaker. (And some angst lol)

Caretaker become whumpee (most of the time)

Whumpee being harmed during a running scene.

Drowning and water related scenes.

Whumper having (slow) change or heart and begrudgingly being a caretaker

Whumpee having to save the whumper or caretaker (despite wounds)

Electrocution

Trembling

Memories and flashbacks and panic over that (usually alone)

Whumper or unwilling teamate taking advantage of a whumpee's (pre-existing) injury (clutching it to make them succumb or get their point across)

Webbed up.

Held captive (usually)

Jail or designated lab cell.

Headache that keeps getting worse and worse

Once defiant, now broken. (+Whumpee's previous confident demeanour suddenly or even slowly shattering, from the personal or/and physical attacks that cut just a bit to deep)

Immortal whumpees or characters that aren't quite human, that aren't used to or supposed to feel pain, feeling pain.

Certain royal whumpees

Angel and demon whump (of course), or just whumpees with wings.

Gunshots to the whumpee (usually)

Certain types of minimal torture

^ (including stuff like really hot or really cold things being pressed up against skin and watch them shudder aaaaa)

Multiple whumpers

Dark room and/or blindfolded (they don't know what's coming to them)

Some intimate whumpers.

Failed escape

Character who risks their life a little to often (sometimes due to feelings of worthlessness)

Nausea

Starvation (and sometimes dehydration)

Just won't die

Loss of control over self mentally or physically (such as a body part being controlled by an outside or unwanted force)

Whumpee uncomfort

Those slight sounds

But also- AGONYYY

Ok/mid things (still like them but to moderate or fluctuating degrees. It can also depend on the scene)

Emotional whump (sadness ig)

Recovery (or very typical caretaker and whumpee tend-to scenes)

Military whump

Whumpee dies

Mob situations (close to favorite)

Non-human whumpees (depends, half the time it's a favorite)

Regular coughing

Colds and most sickness whump

Collars

Hypothermia

Defiant whumpee

Cages

Whipping (sometimes will be a favorite though, depends on the scene)

Temporily blindness

Spider and creepy crawlies (the bigger the better, the smaller the more nah)

Severe burning (the more burning the more nah it is)

Nosebleed

Headwound itself

Memory loss (close to nah)

Live action whump (very rare when it's a favorite)

Begging

Overdosing (can really fluctuate between mid and favorite and sometimes nah)

Depressed whumpee

Injections

Ehhhhhh- Nah.

(very) intense gore and guts

That one moment where something sharp and sometimes needle like it slowly gonna pierce an eye

Most Pet whump stuff (some can be mid)

Most female whump

Way to much screaming

Genuine concussion

Blood-gut squishing noises (ya know the sound effect)

Overkill (with just about anything)

Almost all surgery without anesthesia (some can be mid tho)

Teeth pulling

Amputation, missing limbs.

Minor or pregnant whumpees. (Cool if caretaker tho)

Vomiting (a little bit is usually fine)

#whump #whump introduction #whump community #first whump related post #favorite whump tropes #my whump posts #whumblr #whump list #whump intro post #whump masterlist

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