#literally can't even care about other people properly anymore

[thetisming]

im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it

[brokenrobot2004]

It makes me a little sad that I'm going to be convicted forever by the hate blog my ex best friend made about me years ago now; to her, the drama ended with that blog, but to me, it's going to stay forever as long as it's around, because it's one of the first things anyone is going to see when they look me up; I'd be more accepting of it if it wasn't also loosely comprised of buzzwords (Biphobic and ablest are specifically strange to me because I'm bi and diagnosed with autism, and even back when I was aroace I never said anything about bisexuals? I never said anything about any kind of disability either, I was always very respectful about both of those things and have even considered myself bi before now too, when I was 11) and mildly sexualized assumptions that an adult made of posts I made when I was either 10 or 11 years old in the furby community, just trying to fit in with what other people were saying but not entirely having a grip on what they meant and sounding off, when I never meant to sound the way I did at all; like how "Fetishizing trans women" was a post where I angrily mocked my mom calling me cute or girly things because I was a trans guy and found it upsetting, "disabled furby fetish" was me trying to make a positivity post about helping disabled furbies to be inclusive like everyone else was being, one of the things happened to be me saying I'd help a furby who couldn't walk sit on the toilet because I heard around that people taking care of the elderly would do that, so I included it in my post to seem knowledgeable on real ways of helping, and that was it; I really really wish that even while I was an unhinged young teenager, people would have just gently asked before writing those ever-lasting posts, "Hey, did you mean bla-bla-bla when you said this, or did you mean something else?" and I would've answered honestly, I'm sure; I was a bit of a monstrosity the further back you go into history of how I acted on the internet but I was really, not all that terrible to talk to when there was no perceived threat from the person and asking me a rational question would've been easy, I never ever mean to hurt anybody, but now, that's all people are going to think of me; even in real life, because who wouldn't look up my social media in this digital era? 🙁

And it was mostly, if not entirely, consisting of behaviors and views I've grown out of since the 5+ years ago it happened; I have even been met with backlash in 2022 or 2023, for saying I'm sorry to someone I was mean to back then 😯 (I now think that was unnecessary from me, I was very tired that day) what do the people who've cancelled me want from me? I don't think they want me to apologize, or care that I've gotten so much better since then; I think maybe they just want to revel in that I am a complete recluse now socially, a coward; I cannot even say "Cool fursuit!" or "I like your artstyle!" without feeling like somehow, someone will come forward and be able to twist what I've said into something terrible and use it against me if they don't like me, because that's just how people can be online now; it's terrifying. My ex best friend has shunned me behind my back for being so scared, I remember being shown longer ago; but knowing the things that upset her, she would be absolutely broken if someone did to her, what she did to me online; because that shit can ruin careers, it could ruin my chance of ever making a friend again, even IRL because anyone can look me up online; imagine doing that to somebody who was at the time, not even old enough to drink.

I've been called vile, irredeemable, and anonymously told to kill myself once even; I was a 16 year old; a rather air-headed one too yet. Who would talk that way to a 16 year old who made it clear he was trying to improve and never meant to hurt anyone? Who knew he was in the wrong and was trying his hardest to fix it? For young readers rolling their eyes, how absurd that is will click when you're older and realize how inexperienced most people are at that age.

And that isn't keeping in mind how developmentally delayed I always have been too, which I state as a fact and not as an excuse; I don't let it ever stop me from improving myself either, but I feel like it's probably important that I mention that about myself here; I've always been considerably far behind people my age socially and often, intellectually; it was very visible at School especially where alot of the work I did was far behind everyone else's, and was alot slower than them too, and when I was younger I'd hardly get any work done at all even and was very difficult to deal with as a whole; Autism can be a very unflattering disability, it's not generally pure or wholesome, and it has influenced my bad or otherwise embarrassing behavior alot in the past; which I will still take responsibility for; because my illness isn't some seperate entity from me I'd use as an excuse, I just want it to be understood and recognized that I can't function as well as most other people in the head, I never could, and I genuinely just want that to be understood coming from someone who is seriously, detrimentally autistic to a point I had gotten diagnosed with it at a young age; my past outbursts and socially-inept behaviors helped by it gave the internet ridiculous shitshows to point at, and I'll never be able to take that away; what I can do is hope that I'll be atleast somewhat understood in the end, and left alone for how I was such a long time ago now

I've made a good effort to no longer be that way or act immature and freak out like I did long ago, and I can't stop persuing a social presence at such a young age, over the idea that strangers might not understand that about me.

I have no respect for people who think call-out and purity culture are okay and useful towards youth; this stuff was meant for use against megacorperations and rich celebrities that are getting boycotted for being generally harmful and/or gross on a huge scale that affects many innocent people, not stupid teenagers like I was, or even young adults. People learn, grow, and change; I spend and have spent every second of my life finding ways to grow and improve, and taking information in from people I look up to and admire to do so; and came far enough that I am 100% no longer the petty, angry, and immature person I was at the time, and that makes me very proud. I am no longer going to cower in my little corner, shivering at the thought of complimenting someone's 3D model or uploading a piece of music on YouTube; because people who told a scared and confused autistic kid to end his life and tried to take future careers, friendships, or even love away from him with things he's said and done years and years ago, do not deserve my compliance anymore

[cuubism]

unhinged dreamling modern au #409430950

the bachelor

dream is bribed, threatened, and/or physically dragged by his ankle into being on a dating show by death and desire (for very different reasons, death just wants him to be happy and is very very desperate at this point, desire's just fucking with him again), and needless to say dream is not the target candidate for this. at all. sure he's pretty and rich but he's also a complete asshole. this is destined to go poorly.

(unless you're the show's producers who just want an unhinged television trainwreck that keeps people in their seats, in which case it's fucking fantastic)

hob is also there as a contestant because he's bored, single, and always willing to do something stupid. everybody on the show is taking it seriously except for dream, who'd rather jump off a cliff than be here right now, and hob, who's just entertaining himself.

dream: this is stupid (hateful) hob: this is stupid (having the time of his life)

needless to say this whole thing is a disaster. normally contestants are clamoring for the 'bachelor's' attention but dream just keeps being an utter jerk to everyone, making them cry, and causing them to actually drop out of the show. contestants: "i'd rather die than be with you." dream: "glad we're finally on the same page." like. dream doesn't even have to actively eliminate people. they just eliminate themselves because he's so insufferable.

hob isn't put off, though, this whole thing is hilarious to him. dream tries scaring him off and hob just laughs like "oh you're so cute, this is great"

dream: i hope you die hob: you want me so bad it makes you look stupid

the more people drop out of the show the more time dream and hob end up spending together, by necessity. unfortunately for dream's sanity hob is actually very charming and fun and inexplicably good at getting dream to smile. they have at least one proper heart-to-heart and hob is so kind to him, and dream hates him soooo much for it.

(of course he actually likes him, and it's the worst thing that's happened to him, maybe ever. he's in agony. he wants off this ride, please. maybe he wants on a different ride ahem.)

so now hob's properly invested in this stupid game, he's like oh that wretched stick of a man is mine (literally nobody is challenging him but he's being super competitive about it anyway). all it really results in is dream being MORE of an asshole both to hob and to everybody else. (dream: one time i had a crush on this guy and i didn't know how to handle it so i just wrote him a letter saying get out of my tv show). and yet every week dream could eliminate hob from the show but he never does...

anyway soon enough literally every other contestant has dropped out of the show and it's JUST hob remaining and he basically wins by default. dream absolutely will not be beaten or outdone and is like fine hob i'll call your bluff. marry me if you're so committed to winning. hob's like, bet :) (see: always willing to do something stupid).

they do in fact get married because they're both incapable of conceding defeat. then they're like well. what do we do now...

dream: going to divorce me now and take half of my money? run with your spoils? hob: idk, are you going to divorce me and finally 'free yourself from the torment of my presence'? dream: *sniff* then you would win hob: then i bet i can stay in this relationship longer than you :) dream, gritting his teeth: bet

anyway they manage about two months before dream, perpetually in agony over how aggressively he's into hob, is like fine, i concede, i can't take it anymore. leave me if you want, take my money, i do not care, only free me from this pain. hob: so... i win? i get to choose the prize? dream, utterly defeated: whatever you want hob: okay! and he kisses him

[painted-bees]

You know, if/when Margie ever goes to get assessed for ADHD or such, it'll be over some executive function-related failure on a project that she had hoped would prove to her that she can excel at things so long as she actually 'cares' about them. It'd be something music related for sure--maybe some kind of collaborative videogame music charity thing that some other online music nerds have organized together--I dunno what the indie online musician equivalent of a "zine" is lmfao

Like, it's not even a big prestige thing, and she's not getting any money from it--but it's an exciting project and she gets to compose covers of her favorite viddy game songs and have her music featured alongside other artists she enjoys. But--you know, there's a hard deadline. And there are certain expectations--she want's to make something good and memorable with this.

She gets started on it, and it's going well--well enough for her to be like, "great, I can come back to this later and I'll have it done no problem!" And then she forgets. And then she gets a reminder in her email that submissions are due by the end of the week. The email was sent on Monday, it's Thursday evening. She panics, and tries to put together the rest of the composition that same night, dismayed beyond words that she had put this thing off until literally the last minute. And it's not coming together, she had this great sound and idea in her head, and now it's failing to materialize for her. Her mounting frustration and panic has built up past being a helpful motivator, and is now actively sabotaging her efforts until she can't do anything but cry about it. It's 3 am, the work isn't done, it's isn't going to get done...she utterly failed. At this thing she's good at, that she wanted to do, that she was eager to be a part of.

Materially, she loses nothing by being like "well, I can ask for an extension, and if that's not possible then oh well." It wasn't a paid gig, it wasn't some huge, prestigious feature, there were no awards or accolades on the line, really. But it was supposed to be an easy thing she could do to remind herself that she's perfectly capable at completing things if she just--yanno--cares enoug, puts her mind to it and deems it worth her effort. It was supposed to be easy self-reassurance. And she failed.

and so she's crying in the wee hours of the morning over some small, unremarkable thing that she had chosen to do, for free, in her spare time because she hung all her confidence and self-worth on her ability to complete it in a manner that she could be proud of.

And Raf's the one holding her, trying to figure out how to impress on her that this whole fiasco is not...a suitable way of measuring her worth. Like--it's not proof that she's 'lazy'. This isn't what laziness looks like, this isn't what a "lack of care" or "lack of motivation" looks like. Ugly crying over a low-stakes, free-time, "for fun" project after forcing yourself to work fruitlessly through the night is...disordered. Like, Raf of all people, gets it. He completely understands lmao but it requires attention and help. It's not the first time he's suggested to Margie that she should book an assessment. He's offered to help her get the process started several times in the past. She's always been very "yeahhh...nah" about it. He figured it was because she was afraid of being told that there was something """wrong """ with her. Which--he empathized with a lot, and so never really pressed her about it.

But, over this specific event, it becomes clear that what Margie is most afraid of is hearing and knowing definitively that's there's nothing wrong with her. She worries that her inability to complete things on time, to remember things, to keep organized and clean and to prioritize things is just something everyone has to deal with, and they just care enough to deal with it properly--while she has somehow internalized that crying about it means she won't have to worry about it anymore. Maybe cuz she was spoiled growing up, like her parents use to suggest; that she was never truly forced to face the consequences of her inaction. And, for what ever reason, that'd mean she's just...a bad person.

And once Raf realizes that this is what has been keeping her away from getting assessed, he commits to fully pleading with her to get assessed, promising that no possible outcome will change his opinion of her at his very core. And it works. He's able to get a referral for her from his therapist, gets her booked, and over the course of three appointments, she goes through the assessment--feeling an undeterred mix of anxiety and shame all the while 'cus what if they just think "this girl walks in with a latte and a 'problem' but her real problem is that she has never experienced a real struggle in her life lol" or "she's exaggerating things just so she can get drugs, no way is anyone actually this stupid" or "this is a huge waste of time". That's not how it turns out, of course. Between the self assessment, the assessment she had to give to 3 trusted friends/family members to fill out, the IQ test, the cognitive ability tests, and whatever else happened during the dialogue between her and the psychologist--Margie gets her ADHD diagnosis and an autism diagnosis. She gets Raf to sit in with her while the psychologist goes over the results with her, 'cus she doesn't trust her ability to recite any of that information to him herself afterward lmao To her surprise (and to Raf's quiet, triumphant validation for calling it correctly), Margie's IQ is, apparently, a very sexy 136...but is undercut by remarkably low results on tests pertaining to certain cognitive abilities--to the point of qualifying as significant impairments.

On the list of treatments, medication is suggested as a footnote following a list of things including therapy, habit-building and behavioral exercises, dietary suggestions, and further reading suggestions. Which comes to her as a relief, because it's gonna take her a few more years before she's comfortable with the idea of medicating (imagining in her mind that one unfortunate unofficial Calvin and Hobbes comic that has made her fear losing her enthusiasm for her creative musical endeavors lmao). Until then though, the therapy is, perhaps, the most helpful treatment suggestion on that list. Aside from contributing to supportive mental/emotional/behavioral exercises--after the initial relief of "omg there WAS something wrong, I'm not just a bad, lazy, uncaring person!!"--the backlog of hurt that follows the "I needed help but they punished me instead" revelation provides a lot to work through.

[mwebber]

what are your favourite martian moments? 😺

thank u for asking eve i'm so glad i get to talk about two of my favourite people on god's green earth <3 in no particular order just off the top of my head...

#1: ABU DHABI 2022 i cannot state just how much brain damage this moment did to me. like i vividly remember freaking the fuck out about the martian interview on sky and talking to the besties and barbi @brawn-gp was like omg another moment do u want me to clip. and i was like YEAH YES. PLEASE. I LOVE YOU (i love you <3) and then i saw it and blacked out and when i awoke it was to this. unparalleled brainrot Truly there will never ever be another

#2. MARRIAGE QUOTE do i need to say anything else. when i saw this for the first time i think i nearly had an aneurysm

#3. SINGAPORE 2008 their first real red bull date.......... i think about them sitting on that couples rickshaw every monday giggling with each other generally being blushy messes sharing secretive smiles like they're the only ones in on a joke. also mark pretending to push seb off a building only to catch him STOP my heart is melting

(tumblr is being dumb and won't credit the gifs properly but they're from thnx-mate-blog)

#4. VLAD RYS GEORGIA K MOMENT this is unironically my favourite pic of seb to ever seb. and of course he's looking at mark. no further comments

#4.5 THE OTHER VLAD RYS GEORGIA K MOMENT. this photo is still so mind-boggling like why the fuck are you looking at each other like that. hi. hello?

#5. MONACO 2010 HUG.

#6. MAKE LOVE TO EACH OTHER / ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR FIRST TIME. it's literally so fucking funny to me that red bull saw everybody's martian brainrot and was like. wouldn't it be so fucked up if we dropped that mark buttered seb's muffin after china 2009. twirls hair. haha wouldn't it be soooo random. if we did that

#7. WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IMAGE IS. i can't even look at it for too long i start feeling funny in my tummy

#8. SEB'S LONGING STARE. i ccant believe i forgot this one it should be higher up perhaps

#9. AUSTRALIA 2016/2017. their podiums are SSOOOOOOO.

#10. MATCHING PORSCHES. is it hot in here? do you feel feverish? i feel feverish

#11. RIGHT ONE'S HEAVIER. monaco 2021 when mark casually revealed how much he knows seb still after all this time that seb was like ".. yeah!" like he himself was pleasantly surprised that mark still cares and oh god. somebody hold me

#12. NEARLY SKINNY DIPPING AU CANADA. caliss de tabarnak attache ta tuque mark nhabille pas des sous vetements criss de tabarnak de caliss d'esti de sacrament de

(from thnx-mate-blog)

13. VERY GOOD. i just know they had a Conversation after mark retired that was soo insightful and healing that they still reference to this day. they're very good with each other. btw. if u didn't know.

14. LOVER'S TIFFS. i can't. i can't think about them anymore i think i need to be put in a straightjacket and locked up

#15. 2013 PRIZE GIVING. the way they look at each other...... i'd write 5 million words of rpf too

there's literally so many more moments i want to include on here like mark's "i hope when i'm 70 they're not still asking if i love sebastian" or top gear when mark was like "my dad always said you shouldn't hit boys mate" or when seb and mark were at hangar 7 post 2010 and he went for the wettest limpest high five hand hold known to man or when mark massaged seb's shoulder in australia 2009 or their 1-2 podiums in 2009 or in 2020 when mark was like i've moved on from ferrari for u or "seb didnt expect sex in monaco" or china 2010 when they were bitching with each other or when seb was like i don't understand what he's saying half the time or when seb was on mark's shoulders for a red bull stunt or when they played cricket in australia 2012 or when mark was like we're very well-suited to each other both very handsome in that one magazine or when mark addressed their relationship in like 2014 and said we wished each other well in austria as you do or after multi 21 when seb was like i was racing i was faster i passed him i won and mark was like a cheetah never changes its spots we'll be fine or early on when mark was like we'll get hot chocolate together and i'll be going on about smth that happened before seb was born and he'll roll his eyes or when seb was like i learned a lot from mark or when seb said he'd give mark free hotel toiletries for his bday or when they copied each other trying to put stickers on their car or when someone changed seb's wikipedia page to say he's dating mark or when they did their pepe jeans butt ad or turkey 2011 when they all but caressed each other in 4k or the brazil 2011 cheek cradle or their websites i haven't even talked about their websites yet [I AM FORCIBLY DRAGGED AWAY]

[peskycorvid]

Building off of a post I saw on here (I don't remember which one) about how everyone is human except the life series winners, who retain hybrid traits from their win/series. Except I make it only about desert duo because I'm insane about them

Grian spending 3rd life with lightweight bones that are more fragile than he's used to. Time is short, and he doesn't get to learn how to fly. He doesn't learn how to properly care for his wings either. He spends his time with itchy wings, trapped on the ground, and when he wins by force, he falls. He falls, at his one chance to learn, and it's by choice. Birds get pushed out of the nest to learn to fly, but he refuses. Yet when he wakes up back on Hermitcraft, he still has those wings, and he can never forget what he did. The blood that stains his feathers, the creaking in his knuckles.

Scar doesn't ever know how to truly help Grian. Grian's forever changed, down to his very code, and it's bigger than their shared experience. So he does what he can to try to help. He learns with Grian, accomodates him, is extra patient when sand gets in his wings and he spirals all over again.

More games happen. More people change. It's different for them, Scar isn't as close with them. They don't live on Hermitcraft, so he can't see the difference. Except Pearl, who handles it so differently and yet so similar to Grian.

Scar tries to comfort her too. She isn't around much, and he learns why on the first full moon back when he stumbles on a wolf cloaked in red, hiding away in his home. How she got in, he'll never know. But that doesn't matter.

They get closer after this. They already were, but even moreso when he's able to listen. When she maybe doesn't talk, doesn't say it all out loud. But he listens all the same.

Then secret life happens. And Scar comes back different.

Nobody really understood what he was, not at first. But when everyone comes back, he stays behind. He's gone for days, weeks, months. And Pearl and Grian wait. All of Hermitcraft waits.

And Scar returns, and they can finally see what he was changed to as well.

A man of stone, literally. A gargoyle, wings cracked and shattered and left behind when he finally, finally made it back home. He's colder, and more quiet. The solitude has changed him.

Slowly, the three learn how to help Scar together. They learn, however odd it may be at first, how to care for his stone skin. They take care to not startle him, lest he freeze up completely until he can calm down once again. And slowly they heal together. The cracks are still there, but they mend them as best as they can.

Grian still can't handle the sand in his feathers, but he learns to fly. He and Pearl race together, and on full moons they chase each other under the moonlight. Scar can't quite keep up with them anymore, but they never stray far, and they always include him. He becomes their finish line, and Grian's perch. Pearl uses him for shade, and they decorate him with flowers whenever he dozes in the sun. They all still have their moments, their fears, and they fear what might happen in the next game. Who's next? When will they be swept away again? But they have each other now, when the others might not understand. They have each other. And if one of their friends is next, they'll be there to listen and learn.

[mywritingonlyfans]

Alexander Turner's Masterlist :)

Here's a link to some quick blurbs you might like!!!

...

LongShot (4,6K) - You always have the urge (fate, honestly) to meet Alex from time to time in the midst of moments in your life, but you never stay close to each other for a long time, after all, he is not your boyfriend. (SMUT)

The Car album is about you (3,4K) - You and Alex split up but he dedicates the whole new album to you. (ANGST/FLUFF)

'Till you relax me (2,8K) - Alex eating you out until he doesn't feel stressed anymore because it relaxes him. (SMUT)

Straps and fun (1,3K) - It's a pegging Alex fic. (SMUT)

Cozy Moments (622) - Sharing quality time with Alex. (FLUFF)

Too busy being yours (1,1K) - You feel uncomfortable with the amount of people who keep hitting on Alex, and even with you trusting him, Alex decides to kiss at one of the parties, even though you are super shy, so you can mark territory. (FLUFF)

Home (1,1K) - Taking care of Alex after time withoout seeing him. (SMUT/FLUFF)

Suck and see it (8,5K) - Alex is in a honeymoon phase of dating someone (you) who is out of his league. Moments together and him realizing how much you love each other, from him going to a famous college sports game just to watch you dance, car trips together, and you meeting the boys and going to a small concert at the band for the first time. (FLUFF/SMUT)

Period pain (873) - Alex taking care of you while you're in your period. (FLUFF)

Shared Hearts (5,3K) - It's your wedding and during the description of the event, some moments that you lived together that led to the decision of the wedding itself were written. (FLUFF)

Ethereal Night (2,5K) - Face fucking with Alex fic, so that's all. And yes, it is after a band show and after watching him beautifully on stage and about him wasting his tension and energy down on you. (SMUT)

In his Touch (4K) - First time with a innocent and young reader. (SMUT)

Alex's love language (1,5K) - You're going through hell at work and Alex tries to make things easier for you. + how you handle arguments. (FLUFF)

Freshness Part 1 of 2 (6,9K) Part 2 of 2 (8,4K) -You're in your first years of college and you are interning in something related to the band while they're in a small tour. You get Alex's attention in the process and things develop into much more than just leering exchanges. AGE GAP FIC. (SMUT)

Daddy's girl (1,4K) - A dad to daughter heart to heart convo. His kid is feeling insecure and he's helping her with that. (FLUFF)

Heartstrings / Single!Dad Alex (3,7K) - Bonus! Alex giving Bella meds. - Reader getting to know Alex's daughter for the first time. also, her letting it slip that Alex loves you before he tells you that properly. (FLUFF)

Your girl (3K) - Alex feeling a little insecure about being right for Reader and your assuring him. (SMUT)

Bearded Alex (2K) - Sitting on Alex face. (Smut)

Teacher's pet Part 1 of 3 (9.3K) Part 2 of 3 (9K) Part 3 of 3 ( ) - (Age Gap/Smut) Alex, an undergraduate professor, wasn't known for his friendliness until he found himself gradually warming up to you. Your remarkable writing skills, particularly directed at his class, heightened his interest even further. He's determined to show you firsthand just how talented you are, even if the journey is challenging. Eventually, both of you realize that resisting this connection is futile, and you must let go of your inhibitions to explore what lies ahead.

Your boy (3,1K) - Reader feels briefly insecure and Alex is there to listen to you. (SMUT)

Ecstasy (3,7K) - Wax play, a bit of breeding kink and Alex on control. You like the idea of the burning pain and Alex is ready and can't stop thinking of it. This was shamefully inspired by this wonderful fic! by @/neoyongz (SMUT)

Sunlit Serenade (1,7K) - It's literally something about having (intimate!) sex on a private beach. (SMUT)

Stitches (1,7K) - You as a young med giving stitches to a cute rockstar. (FLUFF)

Nurturing love (4,5K) - Taking care of Alex while he's with laryngitis, spending time together, there's one marriage proposal and cute talks and reader watching glasto with the other gfs.

[marycorcaroli]

yandere!zoro x inventor!reader.

req: hiii 🙈 maybe you can do yandere zoro x inventor! reader hcs. the reader is basically the inventor of the crew, she can make stink bombs, explosives, and overall, just great gadgets. the reader can't fight with swords or do hand to hand combat but uses her inventions to help her out, zoro kind of becomes protective of her. this is so long whew!!

mary♡: thanks for the request 🌷, i hope you enjoy it, i tried really hard💗 ! iapologize for my mistakes, english is not my first language 🤧

zoro loves you infinitely much, you are the perfect girl for him, but he is just a traumatized asshole who is afraid to make the first move and show his love, but there is one problem, zoro won't let someone hurt you verbally or physically, he would go crazy.

you were beautiful in everything, you could do everything he couldn't and teach him to be better. i think zoro could spend hours watching you do something useful to protect the team, your graceful hands going through what seems like such heavy and hard elements, but you still look beautiful. you can't even imagine how proud zoro was of you when you unveiled your new bomb or explosive that could defeat anything and everything. zoro would never say out loud how wonderful you are, his ego wouldn't let him, but if someone else did, i'm afraid that person would be dead in seconds.

zoro knew you couldn't defend yourself with your hands and was always afraid that you would be found by other pirates who wanted to avenge themselves and you wouldn't be able to beat them, it breaks zoro into tiny little pieces, he thinks about it every night or even every night he thinks about you and how he wants to have you all to himself.

zoro is very possessive, he won't let you go anywhere. you want to go with luffy to help him? nah, how about you stay here and just be quiet with zoro? simple, he's very scared for you and himself too. zoro can't see his future without you, he'll be a literal monster if he loses you, his brain will stop functioning properly and he won't be able to see anything but the blood of the people who took you from him.

it was his biggest mistake, to try to hurt you, to make you cry and leave you bruised in a horrible shade of purple. god, everyone knew zoro was crazy when he saw the pirate next to you, trying to hit you and take the key to the cabin where all your inventions were.

zoro ran towards you, imagining the most horrible ways to kill this fearless pirate who was trying to touch you. zoro was at your side in seconds and threw the man away from you to the farthest corner of the ship, odd that he didn't die from that.

"are you okay? did he hurt you? where did he touch you? " zoro said all this out of breath, he was short of breath from the anger he was feeling, his eyes were running all over your body and face, he was trying to make sure you were okay, but the bruise on your face said otherwise, zoro's eyes were even more aggressive than they had been in a couple seconds, he was literally on fire, his hands were tense and veins were showing on his forehead from how hard he was squeezing you and he didn't want to let go but he had to.

"zoro, it's okay, it doesn't hurt, don't worry about me, h-he wanted to steal all the things i've been doing for so long, but-he didn't have time, i-i wanted to fight back but nothing would come out, i'm sorry, please."

zoro didn't hear your voice, he was terrified of what he wanted to do to that pirate and then keep you all to himself.

zoro will start with something small, just beating him until he hears him begging for forgiveness, but he doesn't care anymore. he hurt you and made you feel fear, which means zoro will do the same thing to him, only a few thousand times worse, he will make the man feel the fear he never felt.

at the end when you ask zoro to stop, he will, but stop for a couple seconds to do something else.

"no one can touch y/n and survive after that, no one. " zoro said it with the coldest look, "you tried to take her from me, but it didn't work and it never will. my face is the last thing you'll see before you go burn in hell."

zoro's words left you shocked, he had never said those words before, you had no idea how he really felt about you, but now it all fell into place.

you are his treasure, his air, his life, you are his completely, not from that moment but from the moment you first met you have always been only his. today, zoro made it obvious to everyone here. you don't have to worry anymore, no one will dare to hurt you or just come near you, zoro won't let them. he will kill them all and spill all that blood for you, he will do anything to keep you with him. and if you think he is too aggressive and you don't want to be with him, he will make you.

[sankta-wraith]

I honestly can’t believe I’ve never noticed this before, but did anyone else realize how they completely gloss over the fact that Rhaenyra literally just gave birth in episode 10? I mean sure we have that whole scene, and then Visenya’s funeral, and it is mentioned in 2x02, but it doesn’t seem to physically affect Rhaenyra at all. Now I have never given birth, so I can’t speak from personal experience, but it feels pretty reasonable to assume that she’d still be in a decent amount of pain for the rest of the episode, and maybe even early season two. Obviously Rhaenyra would want to hide it as much as possible because she doesn’t want to the men around her to think she’s weak, but just a shot or two of her needing to sit down, or hold onto something, or wincing slightly when she moves, or even taking a tiny bit of milk of the poppy, (or better yet being offered some and refusing because she remembers what it did to her father,) would really help remind everyone that she just went through a very emotionally and physically painful childbirth. It would also have the potential to add to the Daemyra conflict. Let’s say that at some point after her coronation, maybe when they’re arguing about the TPTWP prophecy, (I refuse to call it the choking scene anymore. I have rewritten it in my own personal canon.) They’re both getting steadily angrier with each other, to the point where they're both practically screaming at each other, and then Rhaenyra does something that makes Daemon realize just how much pain she's in. It can be small, a wince or even just a particularly sharp inhale, but it's enough to remind him that even though she's pretending to be fine, she's still recovering from giving birth. He immediatly feel guilty for not realizing it earlier, and then he'd probably drop the argumen in favor of telling her to rest a little. (He wouldn't exactly concede, but he'd be willing to drop it for the time being.) Rhaenyra is going to be pretty against this, because she can't have people see her as weak, but eventually Daemon will convince her, ("their views will be of no consequense if childbed fever takes you because you refused to rest" something like that maybe?) It would be a nice little moment between them, and it would remind people how much Daemon loves Rhaenyra. But there is still the small problem of the greens taking the throne and Daemon knows time is of the essence so while Rhaenyra is resting, he gathers the small council to discuss potential plans. I don't think he'd actually do anything without her, at most he'd send a raven or two, but it's still enough to look like a power grab. When Rhaenyra hears she'll be understandably pissed because how dare he tell her to rest and then start making plans without her? Daemon on the other hand doesnn't think he did anything wrong: his wife needs to rest so she'll be ready when the war properly kicks off, and instead of sitting around and doing nothing, he's making sure that he has a few plans in place for when she comes back. He'd definatly be aware that most of the small council probably think he's trying to undermine Rhaenyra, but he doesn't care because she knows thats not what he is trying to do. Or at least he thinks she does. I honestly think that Daemon just kind of assumes that Rhaenyra will understand his motivations, because historically she has always understood him better than anyone. So when he finds out that she thinks hes using her to get to the throne, he'll feel pretty betrayed. It'll remind him a lot of his relationship with Viserys and he really doesn't want to relive that. All of this will set up a post-B&C confrontation really nicely.

But I'm not asking for all that. All I wanted was for Rhaenyra to actually seem like she was recovering from her sixth childbirth. The showrunners might have thought that it made her seem "stronger" if she wasn't in pain (or maybe they just forgot) but it actually would have hit harder if we saw that she was still recovering while so much was happening around her.

Ok thats my little rant. Let me know what you think!

[silenzahra]

First of all, thanks a lot to @megamagimugi @itsavee4117 @bberetd @keakruiser @pepperycar

@coffeecat1983 @peaches2217 @stripetkattelalala54 @multicolour-ink @vulpixfairy1985

@purely-interests-here-not-much for your comments on my latest post. I truly appreciate your support as I really needed it. Hope it's okay that I vent under the cut so you're all free to continue reading or skip this post, but I hope you all understand I'm not in the mood whatsoever to be around right now. I know you've tagged me in some stuff and I appreciate it, but I just can't enjoy it right now. It has all to do with my emotional state and nothing with the content itself. Hope that is clear.

Also, thank you to those of you who reblogged my musicians post after I fixed it. I really appreciate it. I'll make sure to give you all proper answers... I just don't know when yet.

Before I go on, let me advice you: if you're in a good mood today, maybe you shouldn't read this if you don't want it to be ruined. It's totally up to you. Just know that I'd never judge anyone for putting their mental health first.

Yesterday was the most awful day of my life. I came to the realization that the people I thought cared for me the most, the people who were supossed to always be there through thick and thin... don't actually care about me. They always put others first, no matter what my necessities and emotions are: they're always there for other people but they're never there for me. Even when it's obvious that I need them, they just don't see it and continue to help everybody else but me.

And I feel lonely. I've never had trouble with being alone as my hobbies usually require that I'm on my own to properly enjoy them, but that's one thing... and loneliness is something very different. I'm never alone, but I'm lonely. And their attitude also makes me feel so unimportant... Makes me wonder why on earth I'm here. Why my family had me if they weren't gonna care about me. Especially my emotions... No one in my family has ever made me feel like they're a safe space for me to open up. Never. So they don't even know what I'm feeling because, whenever I try to tell them something, they change the subject or simply don't pay attention. My voice doesn't matter. I literally have no one to turn to IRL. Heck, they don't even make me feel loved anymore. They make me feel like a burden they have to deal with, and I can't even move to live on my own for financial reasons.

In all honesty, I never thought I'd find myself in such a situation. I don't even know how to act anymore. I have to continue living with my family, seeing them every day, and I just don't know how to look them in the face. The feelings swirling in my chest... they hurt, and I feel that I need to let them out, but I literally have no one IRL. My friends, they all live in different cities, and have their own lives and problems, so they can't always be there for me, and I'm okay with that because I'm also busy. I'd like to get back to therapy, but it's expensive as hell where I live, and I have just started working for the first time after a few months, so I don't have the means for that.

In all honesty, this morning I took the day off from work and went for a walk with my dog. This may sound weird, especially to people who don't have any animals, but I'm not exaggerating when I say my dog Baloo was the only one (in my immediate surroundings I mean) who noticed yesterday that I wasn't feeling good. He has a great emotional intelligence and was there for me when I needed him, and I'm glad I could walk with him this morning because it really did wonders to us both.

Still, shortly after I got home... everything went bad again. I'd dare to say even worse than yesterday. And I'm so tired and drained.

I don't even know why I'm in this world anymore. It's just suffering and suffering, one bad thing after another, and I sincerely can take it no longer. I've had enough. I don't even find joy in the SMB franchise anymore... Yes, it's that bad. I've hit rock bottom and all that's left for me is drowning.

Thank you if you've read everything and sorry if I bored you or made you feel bad. I just hope you understand that I don't feel like being around whatsoever. I love you and your content, but I can't enjoy it right now, so I'd rather not see it until I'm fine... if I ever get to be fine again. This is the worst bad streak I've experienced in a very long time and I sincerely cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Heck, I can't even feel excited about seeing my favorite band live again next week... Can't even look forward to that right now.

Of course, you're all free to continue to tag me in stuff if you'd like, but I hope you know I'm not gonna see it now. As I said, I can't enjoy anything in general. I've lost the spark of joy and I don't know how to get it back.

Sorry to sound so depressed, but it's just how I'm feeling right now.

Of course, all of this applies to the people around me in real life. I'm grateful I met each and every one of you, and I'm lucky and blessed that you offered me your support and you're there to listen. I love you all very much.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 1, Wave 2, Poll 5

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Riku-Kingdom Hearts

Qualifications/Propaganda:

So Riku is neither canonically LGBTQ+ nor canonically disabled but there's quite a slew of subtextual evidence. And this subtext is considered basically canon due to the creator's (Tetsuya Nomura) stance on media, which is that he enjoys leaving clues for players to figure out. So while Riku is never explicitly said to be queer or disabled, there's clear evidence on both accounts.

So first: Riku is gay. There's no doubt about it (despite what the dudebros insist...) Riku is gay for Sora, his childhood best friend/former rival. Long story short, Riku was afraid of Sora's friendship with this girl Kairi, didn't realize those feelings were gay jealousy, and he got gaslighted by the Mistress of All Evil, MALEFICENT HERSELF, into believing that Sora didn't care for him anymore. He went Dark Mode, destroyed their home, and antagonized Sora for most of the first game. But then he gets trapped in the Realm of Darkness after Sora kicked his ass for the millionth time and he realized how *sora voice* stUpid he was being and helps Sora stop the apocalypse (saved the world counter: 1) Then Riku goes through a whole arc of "wow i was an idiot. sora will never forgive me and i have Darkness in my heart and i need to protect sora while he's in a year-long medically-induced coma to undo his amnesia" and. idk. theres a Lot of stuff. So much so that someone made a 6-HOUR video essay about it! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll17V9DJr7g)

Riku is also likely suffering from chronic pain. Throughout the year that Sora is in a coma, he fights Sora's Nobody, Roxas, to get Sora's memories back. During the fight, Roxas breaks Riku's wrist, and it never heals correctly. Throughout the finale of Kingdom Hearts 2, the next game chronologically, Riku wears a wrist brace that goes largely unexplained. During the final boss fight, Riku throws himself in the way of Xemnas (the Big Bad) to protect Sora, getting hurt twice in the process; being struck so hard in the shoulder that he's flung halfway across the battlefield, and then hit in the side so badly that it causes him to collapse as soon as the adrenaline from the fight fades. It's likely that none of these injuries healed properly, as even in Kingdom Hearts 3 (which is like 5 games later. dont ask) he has some interesting tells; his walk is incredibly stiff and his battle stance changes, likely because of the strain put on his wrist for the old stance. (https://www.tumblr.com/nobodyriku/706960754548604929 shows this pretty well, though i can't find the other post i had in mind but whatever)

Anything Else?:

soriku endgame actually <3

Darth Maul-Star Wars

Qualifications:

Maul is canonically disabled; he was bisected at the waist by one Obi-Wan Kenobi, but SOMEHOW did not die, and was in fact teleported into a garbage dump, where he proceeded to live as a spider cyborg for the next 12 years, when he was found and rescued by his long-lost brother. He has used prosthetic legs of one kind or another ever since, and in Rebels, he uses a cane. He is also definitely gay. In The Clone Wars cartoon, he is OBSESSED with Obi-Wan, to the point that Obi-Wan is his entire personality and the entirety of his life goals. All he wants is to kill him and cause him suffering in revenge for being cut in half and subsequently abandoned by his master. However, this obsession is. Definitely homoerotic. Dude fights Obi-Wan naked at one point (the animators forgot that people with prosthetic legs still have to wear pants). He literally builds a hate shrine to Obi-Wan's dead ex-girlfriend, who he killed, AFTER he kills her. In Rebels, once he is able to merge the two holocrons and ask any question he wants, he asks where Obi-Wan is. The answer is Tatooine, of course. He goes there, has one final fight with Obi-Wan, and is fatally wounded. HOWEVER. He dies in Obi-Wan's arms. He dies being HELD GENTLY by Obi-Wan. I cannot adequately explain how insane that is. Makes me froth at the mouth. Anyway.

Propaganda:

I love this severely fucked-up dude so much. He dedicated almost 20 years of his life to a single-minded obsession with Obi-Wan Kenobi, an obsession which literally kept him alive when he was chopped in half in a garbage pit, stuck in a hole on Planet Sith, and just generally attempting to live after being raised for nothing but violence as a child. He is missing half his bones, many vital organs, and got his two biggest blood vessels sliced right open, and yet REFUSED to die. He then became a spider cyborg. The first thing he did when coming onboard the Ghost was critique the interior design. He took over an entire planet just to get a guy to notice him. He was kidnapped as a child and tortured nonstop for the first 20 years of his life, resulting in an attachment style where he can only conceptualize relationships as a hierarchy (master/apprentice), so he searches constantly for an apprentice, and even treats his brother as one; despite how he very clearly just wanted a brother, he didn't know how to be in an equal relationship. He does absolutely nothing but cause problems for people-- be they Jedi or Sith. Ahsoka once released him from a magic strait-jacket as a "distraction" and he immediately began tearing panels off of the walls and decapitating people with them. He has a death grip on my brain.

Submitted by @convenient-plot-device

[cuffmeinblack]

Alright I'm sick of the vagueposting because apparently some of you can't talk about how they really feel to people. You know, like adults.

First point. If you actually think I purposely plagiarised a fic idea, honestly just block me and fuck off so I never have to see you again. I've put far too much mental and emotional energy into this fandom to be disrespected like that, especially to then have my character attacked in such a ironically sly way on a public forum. Coming from people who have previously admonished others for vagueposting, that's pretty fucking hypocritical. I don't care enough to try to fix any sort of relationship I had with the person, since they made it pretty clear what they thought of me.

I'm a generally good person and I'm not going to let some random on the internet tell me otherwise.

In the interest of clearing up the plagiarism allegation whatever the fuck that's about, I'll say that I've never actually read the so-called plagiarised fic, and barely interacted with any public posts about it's conception. I actually do not want to, especially since I have many, many ideas and headcanons for Azkaban and HP/HL in general having been a Wizarding World fan for literally most of my life and that's what I'm interested in writing about. I don't tend to crowdsource my ideas and rarely post about what I'm writing about. As far as I can tell the only crossover is Azkaban and a degree of angst, and if that's actually it then you need to re-evaluate why the hell you're even in a fandom.

Amazingly since we're drawing on common source material there will no doubt be overlap. I'm also not going to wait months for the other fic to be finished because...why? It's not a fucking competition. If you must know, mine was loosely based on an idea I had for Garrinis which also involved Azkaban and a dark MC, which I had last Summer.

There's been so much drama in this fandom lately it's quite honestly ridiculous, and nobody seems to be able to talk to anyone else without public bashing. If you don't like what someone else is doing or saying, shutup and move on or talk to them. An incredible concept, I know. I had a disagreement a couple of weeks ago, I talked to the person, and we're totally fine and she's one of my favourite people in this fandom.

I'm aware this post might just crash and burn my reputation as much as the bullshit allegations but you know what I do not care anymore. Yes I'm aware that I'm not exactly helping with this post but my god I'm just angry and some things just need saying. I don't make a habit of doing stuff like this and am generally quite nonconfrontational.

Sometimes I do wonder why I'm still here and have concluded that it's probably a sunk cost fallacy, yet I'm here because I'm stubborn and despite all this shit I still love the characters enough to want to tell stories about them. Writing brings (brought) me a lot of joy, and I've finally decided to try doing it 'properly' but my god this toxicity needs to stop because this is exactly what stifles creativity, drives people away and kills fandoms.

[lemonlover1110]

I feel like people are also forgetting that Mrs. Gojo also played a part in y/n not telling Satoru, like on top of all the other contributing factors, the first time y/n went to their estate, mrs Gojo took the chance to rub in her face the fact that Satoru had already moved on and slammed the door in her face. Imagine being alone and pregnant and stressed, your partner literally ghosted you in the most foul manner, your financial situation is not the best and is about to get worse because you now have to support another human being. it's really not that hard to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how much despair and heartbreak she must have been feeling in that moment. now idk about y'all but i have had mental breakdowns over less stressful situations lmaoo

She most likely felt like since Satoru was marrying another woman, she would be ruining his new life if she were to just jump in there unexpectedly and be like surprise you have a son lol. she's not a terrible person. despite satoru doing her so dirty she probably didn't want him to hate her even more than she thought he already did.

and then when she did finally tell mrs gojo the truth, it was because she as a single mother, couldn't make ends meet to properly provide for her son AND take care of her sick mom. she literally went there knowing mrs gojo could take Ren away but she was so desperate. and what was mrs. Gojo's condition for helping y/n? to not tell Satoru about Ren!!!! now wHY would y/n turn around and be like hmm I think i'll tell Satoru about his son, when Mrs. Gojo holds all the leverage to just take Ren from her and kick her out. She's just doing what she can to survive and make sure her child can live well. damn y'all are cold if you can't understand that 😭

THIS!! there's so many emotions going on, humans are complex beings and while Y/N cares for Gojo and might feel bad for hiding his son from him, she still resents him. She's also scared and from the very beginning it's known that she doesn't want to tell Gojo about their son anymore because she can finally support her son and she doesn't want to risk getting him taken away from her.

[cosmic-d1ce]

"before Forever, before the island. Who was he and why is Etoiles so interested???"

oh my god ow the fucking shot through the chest this was omgggggggg not only asking about what happened from the source (phil) but who he was before- when he had an isolated identity AAAAAAAAAA THEMMMMM ETOILES THE FUCKING GOAT AS PER USUAL NOTHING LESS TO BE EXPECTED OMGGGG also the idea of him being his best friend in this au is so like emotional to me- to have phil be put through so much pain all the time at all angles, emotionally and physically to have at least Someone just One person to turn to who sees past the servers lies and rumors omg the agony this is amazing they're my roman empire too I literally brainrot abt them all the time

The song Milk by Jack Stauber is pretty much exactly what they have

The song is technically about death, thinking of a dead person you didn't know but I feel like it works so well because a part of Phil is dead. The part of him that really matters to Etoiles

Etoiles doesn't care about what Forever forced Phil to be. He cares that somewhere, there's a person who used to have friends and a family and a nice little house that he made with his own hands

What kind of life did you live through? Did you know love? Will you rest in peace? Did you have a family?

Who was Phil before Forever changed him?

That's all Etoiles cares about.

It's okay that Phil can't fight things! He used to!! He used to fight and laugh and help people, he used to explore and build and discover!! That's who he really is. Etoiles can see that, even when nobody else can

He even manages to get some of that back. Phil, finally, has a way to get back a part of himself that he lost through Etoiles. He can laugh and explore and make things again and he doesn't have to worry about what Forever will think because he's not here!! He's not here and Etoiles would risk everything for Phil because they're FRIENDS!!

Phil can't hold a weapon anymore but he can hold Pomme and tell her grand stories about the man he used to be, the empire he built, the world he created for himself, his friends and his family. He can hold Etoiles' daughter and tell her how to build things, how to properly shoot a bow and arrow or how she should always avoid ravines!

Etoiles sees this man for the first time and goes "I want to know you" and when he's told what happened through other people's perspectives he says "NO. Nonono I want to know YOU." and he ASKS and he CARES!!! He hears the rumors and says "There has to be more to Phil than Forever."

Cellbit pulls him aside to explain everything properly and Etoiles turns away and says he doesn't believe in secondary research and he's going straight to the source, thank you!! If this is not an invitation to kill Forever for what he did to Phil HE DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW!!

Etoiles knows that somewhere, in another world, where none of this happened, they're best friends. They're besties and they play fight and do dungeons together because that's what they like to do.

Etoiles will settle knowing it could have been.

[softpascalito]

javier peña x f!dea!reader - we got your back - chapter 3

Summary: You work as a new DEA agent alongside Peña and Murphy. A not-so-kind colleague reveals more about you than you would like. You also realize you can sleep better if you're not by yourself. You're not the only one with that realization.

Relationships: Javier Peña x FemReader

WC: 6700+

Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow burn, mention of canon-typical violence, no beta we die like Colonel Carrillo, family Issues, they arent specified but reader is implied to be from a dysfunctional family, Steve is here too, literal sleeping together, one bed trope if you squint, tac vest javi

AO3 LINK // Chapter 1 (Tumblr) // Chapter 2 (Tumblr)

Notes:

helllooo! the new chapter is finally here. if youre enjoying this fic, please let me know, i cry happy tears about every comment <3

_______________________________

Chapter 3

The alarm doesn't wake you. Not fully. What does wake you is the body next to you contorting and almost falling off the couch as he tries to turn said alarm off, muttering curses under his breath. You blink a few times, opening your eyes just as the beeping finally comes to a halt and find Javis' face right in front of yours. He looks at you, the apology already visible on his face:”Sorry-”

You sit up slightly, mumbling:” ¿Que hora es?” 

“Just past six,” Javier answers. His voice is still rough from sleep. Your tired brain doesn't quite realize how intimate this is, the two of you waking up together. Seeing him with his hair still messy, before he had breakfast or even coffee. Before he has talked to anyone.

It's still dark outside, except for a gentle purple at the very horizon, announcing the break of dawn.

Unlike yourself, Javi seems like he's immediately wide awake. You try not to think too hard about why that may be. 

He's been in Colombia for years.

“Not a morning person?” Javier asks as he gets up and starts shoving the blanket back into whichever drawer he'd taken it from last night. It's still a little too dark to see properly but you can make out his movements, even in the dim light.

It's your turn to get up, already looking around for the only thing that you care about in your current state.

“Not unless we have coffee somewhere in this godforsaken office.” You mutter under your breath, already halfway through the door to find the small kitchen you'd been in the day before. Just as you finish pouring two cups, Javi joins you again. His hair is still messy but it's not as noticeable anymore and he seems to have freshened up in the bathroom. You allow yourself a slightly longer study of his face as you hand him his mug. Balancing it in one hand, he repeats the motion of the other day, reaching for the milk carton to pour some into the mug you're holding. He pours until you ask him to stop. He doesn't even tease you about it.

The light of the fridge illuminates his sharp features as he puts it back and you can't help but stare. For once, he doesn't notice, instead focused on finding a way to squeeze the carton of milk in between two bottles of juice. Just in time, you manage to draw your gaze off him and turn around to stand at the small window looking out over the embassy parking lot.

Javi takes a small sip of his coffee as he crosses the room in two large strides, stopping just behind you, close enough for you to feel his warmth.

A comfortable silence settles over the pair of you. You're not sure how long he stands behind you like that, both glancing out onto the dimly lit pavement that will be bustling with people in an hour. It's almost too calm like this and leaves you with an eerie feeling. Like something's not quite where it's supposed to be.

He's the one to break the spell.

“You want me to get some breakfast?” It's a good offer and you open your mouth to accept- when you suddenly snap it shut again. Breakfast sounds lovely. But spending a few more sole minutes with Javi sounds even better, in your opinion.

So you shake your head no. To not make it too obvious, you add:” I usually just go for some cereal.” Javi raises his brow, turning his head slightly towards you:” Didn't strike me as a cereal kind of gal.” You snort:” If I didn't know any better, I'd almost say that sounds like a compliment, Peña.”

He can't hide the small smirk that appears on his face as you go on:” It sucks though. Colombia doesnt know how to make proper cereal. They all taste the fucking same. I would die for some Cap'n Crunch.”

“Sounds like someones a little homesick.” Your face falls slightly. He's right in a way. There are things that you miss, days where you wish you'd never come to Bogotá. But there are also the things you've left behind. Or, tried to.

Javi seems to pick on up on the small mood shift, his face a little apologetic as he steps back, mumbling a small apology, without really knowing what he's apologizing for.

You get ready in silence and you try- you really try- not to take too much notice of his morning routine. A sip of coffee, impatiently shoving his belt through the loops in his pants, the small noise of annoyance when it gets caught on something. Tugging his shirt in, raising the collar to adjust his tie, downing the rest of his coffee in one go before turning his attention back to the tie.

You notice he hasn't undone it for the night, just slid the knot down far enough to take it off. After spending the night draped over some office cabinet, it looks rather messy.

There's a short moment of hesitation before you break the silence in the room:” You don't know how to tie a tie.” It's not a question but Javi pretends it is.

“I know perfectly well how to tie it,” he protests.

“Okay. Redo it then.” You say, half expecting him to ignore your request. He doesn't. With a small sigh that he somehow makes sound both annoyed and endearing, he slips the knot open and attempts to redo it. After a few moments of struggling with it under your watchful gaze, he manages to form some sort of knot that miraculously looks even worse than before.

You finally take pity and move towards him, reaching for the piece of clothing that's giving him such a struggle. His hand automatically reaches to stop you, but you gently bat it away:” Let me.” He does.

He looks down at you then, with a similar gaze to the one you had when you watched him get ready. And just like him before, you don't notice him watching, too focused on the task at hand. His gaze lingers on your slightly scrunched-up face, the way your tongue pokes out ever so slightly as you concentrate. 

He's not sure why but he tries to memorize the beauty in it. It's not the beauty he usually sees in women- even though he can't deny your attractiveness. It is like the beauty of traffic lights reflected on wet pavement after a sudden rainfall, the one that you notice while you're stuck at a red light.

One that doesn't last, not even until the streets have dried. Only until the light turns green. Fleeting moment.

You pat his chest lightly once you're done, stepping back to approve your own work:” That's better.” He wants to agree. Say something to go back to the moment he'd just been in. He doesn't. Instead he hears himself say:” Let's get started on the rest of those files.”

You're already on your second evidence carton by the time Steve arrives. He gives both Javi and you a quick nod before he sits down at his desk and starts going through the messages that have been left for him. As he puts the last one down, he stifles a yawn:” God, I feel like shit.” 

He turns his head into your direction:” How do you manage to look so well rested this fucking early?” 

You almost spit out the coffee you had been drinking, choking on it slightly as your face turns a bright shade of red. You automatically glance towards Javi- only to find that the asshole is chuckling to himself. 

Wiping the coffee off your lips, you shoot him a silent glance and he seems to take pity because a moment later he's diverted Steve's attention onto himself:” Probably because she is smart enough to not have a baby at home that cries every time it poops.” 

“It's what infants do, Javi.” Steve defends his baby softly but it's clear that he is exhausted from his new parenting duties. 

The two start bickering and you find yourself finally able to relax again, once more burying your nose in the files.

A few hours later, while you're eating lunch with Steve, he is still going on about the little one. Being a parent is exhausting but the truth is that with him and Connie being pretty much the only embassy personnel with a child, they never have trouble finding a loving colleague who will happily jump on the opportunity of babysitting for a night.

“...we just don't want her to be too spoiled. Of course people got her christmas presents- it being her first and all- but when Javi was over-” You raise your head so fast that Steve breaks off and stares at you. 

You quickly try and swallow your food before the question slips off your tongue:” Javi was babysitting?” Steve chuckles a little at that:” Oh trust me, I was worried too. But she likes him. Probably because of his mustache. She loves to pull on it. He'll make a different face every time she does and..” He trails off, shaking his head:” Sorry, that's not exactly interesting.”

“Right.” You say as you bow your head again a little. Steve doesn't seem to notice that you barely listen to anything else he tells you during the remainder of your shared lunchtime.

When you had left to go to the cafeteria, Javi had stayed behind, mumbling something about wanting to check a file downstairs. It wasn't a lie technically, he tells himself as he reaches the file storage room he's looking for. He glances up and down the corridor and then quickly slips inside, not turning on the light to avoid drawing attention to himself.

“It's gotta be here..” He mutters to himself as he skips through some files in the dim cone of light that his flashlight provides. Finally, he finds the one he's been looking for. But as soon as he pulls it out, he notices how light it is. And when he looks inside, his suspicions are confirmed: The file is empty. There is a small note inside of it, which generally means average clearance isn't enough to access it. The files are sealed. As his brain is still trying to come up with a solution, he hears footsteps coming down the hallway.

Javi curses under his breath and more or less slams the file shut, shoving it back into the cabinet as he turns off his light and presses himself against a wall. Slowly, the footsteps fade away. He gives it another few seconds for good measure before he slips out of the door, his head turned into the direction the footsteps had disappeared into. There is no one to be seen and he breathes a small sigh of relief.

He closes the door behind himself and turns around- to find his partner leaning against the wall, an eyebrow raised expectantly. Javier's eyes widen for a moment before they narrow:” Are you trying to give me a heart attack, Murphy?”

The blonde man gives a small chuckle but shakes his head:” I have as much right to be down here as you do. However-” He points towards the door Javier had just slipped out of:” I do seem to remember some rule about having to request file access to these.”

Javi realizes he's watching him, calculating. When he doesn't reply, Steve pushes himself off the wall, stepping closer as his tone shifts:” What were you looking for, Peña?”

The other man raises his hands in defeat, letting out a small breath before he pinches his nose slightly:” If I tell you, will you help me?” He asks in a low voice. By the way Steve looks, Javi knows the other man is intrigued:” Maybe. If I consider it worth looking into.” 

There is a small pause during which Steve turns, making sure they are still alone:” This about Escobar?”

“Actually, it's not.” Javi says quietly. 

Steve raises a brow. Definitely intrigued now:” Then what? You lost the address of your favorite hooker or something?”

Javi makes a face, deciding to not give in to their bickering for once.

“It's about Y/N.” He mumbles after a moment:” The files Vázquez mentioned, the ones that have info on-”

”Oh, you can't be serious.” Steve groans, leaning against the concrete wall again.

“What?” Javi asks, maybe a little too defensive to be completely unsuspectful:'' They are sealed, Steve. Why would they be sealed?”

The other man takes a deep breath, studying Javis face:” It's not our job. Or our concern. If she doesn't tell you-”

”Vázquez knew. And I'm sure she didn't talk to her.” Steve seems to lose his patience at that.

“Javi, has your dumbass ever considered that the files are sealed because she wants them to be?”

That shuts him up real quick.

They both stay quiet, Javi fumbling with the pack of Malboros in his pocket that always seems to get roughed up, no matter how quickly he goes through it.

Steve is still watching him. He sighs: “Look, Javi, we have an actual job to do here. I'm sure she's fine. Let's get back to the files, yeah? Worry about what really matters.”

“Sure.”

Javi follows him down the corridor and back up the stairs. When they pass the small back door that leads to the parking lot, he gestures over to it:” I'll be right up. Just wanna grab a smoke.” If Steve notices his behavior, he doesn't say anything, only calling back to him as he's already climbing the next set of stairs:” Don't take too long.”

Javi steps outside, into the gentle breeze. He leans against the concrete wall, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. The noises of the city have returned and past the iron gates he can see people bustling on the way to their appointments, to their lunch dates, to whatever it is they do. 

He allows his mind to wander back to the early morning hours, how different everything looked then. It had felt like something had been out of place, missing. He had assumed it was the people. But now he isn't so sure. He can't shake that feeling. That lingering feeling of waiting at a traffic light. Of something passing by too quickly.

Something isn't right. It isn't his job to find out what.

He doesnt care and he can't shake that feeling and he already knows that he'll make it his job anyway.

[fantasticalleigh]

thoughts on bridgerton season 3 part 2

MASSIVE spoilers ahead, i'm really annoyed so this is going to come out very salty!

TLDR: this season was largely a disappointment. part 1 is better than part 2.

-i've said it before and i'll say it again: this is an ensemble show that ultimately suffers for how large its cast is, how short each season is, how cheap netflix is, and how poor the writing is. the actors are great and do well with what they're given. the stories in and of themselves are largely compelling. but they need space and time to be told properly. eight episodes between 10+ characters is not enough.

-unhinged/in love colin from the books was sorely missed. the book is problematic yadda yadda but i prefer it at this point. instead for pretty much three out of four episodes in part two, he was just angry or sad and that was it. he felt so flat.

-i find it hilarious that debling just fucked off after rejecting penelope. he didn't even stick around to try and court cressida, who was clearly more than willing to take penelope's place?? he literally could have solved all her problems and that could have saved an incredible amount of screen time that should have gone to Colin/Penelope.

-i love the way they bridged portia and penelope's relationship. also to a lesser degree, her sisters. prudence not being so cunty anymore was nice but felt a little off, i think she needed more screentime with pen to show that she finally realizes what a bad sister she was and that she's genuinely sorry. one quick little comment "i was being honest" (or whatever it was) to me, didn't feel like enough. but i'm still glad they came around.

-violet/marcus and by extension, agatha. i'm glad violet and agatha finally had a heart to heart/ conversation that was about them and not the young people. when they affirmed that they were there for each other no matter what and used each other's given names? precious. i teared up. i love their friendship. (also don't come at me for what may have happened during Queen Charlotte bc i never finished it lol)

-the queen is probably my least favorite character. she used to have funny/kind moments but now it feels like she is just rude and dismissive and mean towards everyone. i can't even like her in a GirlBoss way because all we see from season to season is how other people manipulate her. Agatha manipulates her. Grimsby manipulates her. Lady Whistledown manipulates her. she was kind for francesca for a couple of days and then went sour when she realized francesca chose someone else. i get that she's jaded from season 2 but idk i don't enjoy her scenes at all anymore. she crashes the wedding breakfast to accuse the bridgertons, belittles the Mondriches ball at the start, complains/belittles all the debutants trying to impress her, doesn't care about the events being hosted in her honor. i loved her in seasons 1-2 but now she's just boring and one note.

-eloise finally admitted she was reckless/in the wrong about the Theo situation. that was nice. and she finally admitted befriending cressida was a poor choice. do i sense character growth at last?? but i'm still a little unhappy about how rudely she ditched Cressida once she and Penelope made up. Hey, this new friend of yours is distraught because of her shit home life and is about to be married off to some old, austere codger and you literally don't care? i genuinely felt so bad for cressida. she is a creature pushed into a corner lashing out for any way to escape and nobody (understandably, bc she makes bad choices) wants to help her. but eloise keeps saying that cress surprised her with how she was the only one to show her kindness when she was a social outcast and now the same is happening to Cressida and yet instead of repaying the favor, Eloise abandons her.

Eloise even goes so far to say that Cressida used her. Did she not also use Cressida? She admitted she befriended her to be petty towards Penelope. And she clearly stuck with Cressida out of boredom/reluctance to mingle with the other ladies their age because she found them beneath her. Eloise is still a hypocrite. I thought she'd taken a step forward but she's in the same place.

did cressida deserve help? not particularly considering the blackmail/fake identity, history of bullying. but does she also deserve to be married off like that and cut off like that by her asshole dad? also no.

with all that talk about running away i genuinely was rooting for C to run away, but i'm disappointed it didn't happen. i guess it makes sense within her character--she's always been a caged creature--i don't think running away ever came to mind, even if she didn't want to be shipped off to Wales with her aunt. she's strong but doesn't (yet) have the resolve/ferocity of someone like marina who was willing to run away with colin to elope in gretna green.

frankly i found cressida's story the most compelling in season 3 so far.

-benedict. if i have to watch ONE more sex scene for Ben i'm going to scream. wowwee, he had another threesome! and no more queerbaiting--he finally had sex with a man! <--that part is at least noteworthy for his character--but genuinely--i don't really care when his only storyline this season is that all he does is have sex. there are far more compelling stories needing attention right now and yet we get another freaking sex barrage with benedict. Colin and Penelope were robbed here and i don't think it's unreasonable to be annoyed that a B-tier ensemble character got more sexy time than them. and for what purpose? all we get out of ben's enlightenment is that it's ok to be gay and that he's not ready for serious commitment. which is fine and dandy except that that was already drilled into our heads since season 1. i feel like my time was wasted here because i already watched him do the same damn things over and over for THREE SEASONS by now.

AND FOR THAT MATTER:

if they really wanted to show any sense of growth for benedict they could have had him be brutally honest to Tilley and say something like:

"I'm having fun with our arrangement. I am open to seriously committing to someone someday...but I don't think you are that person."

what a world of a difference that would make, wouldn't it? it would show he's coming closer to being ready to meet Sophie but that he's still not quite ready to give up his old ways. i truly believe his season is next and frankly it wouldn't feel so insulting to watch his repetitive storyline if they had written better dialogue in that ONE scene.

(Jess + Shonda, I'm available any time if you want to talk.)

-T.S's You Belong with Me playing during a fucking wedding scene was a choice. All the options in the world and you pick a song about high school jealousy??? Babydoll I could pick five better options off my general playlist. across all three seasons, there's been so many bad cover choices imo.

-Coldplay's Yellow being Polin's song was an actual choice I will salute. Beautiful moment.

-the whole whistledown speech at the end where pen reveals herself was extremely flat to me and left me so bloody disappointed. someone brought this up on reddit and i agree so hard it hurts--why wasn't colin up there by her side? book colin would have VAULTED up over everyone just to be there with her and protect her. instead we get mopey Colin watching her from below. i need to rewatch it again but it felt like there was hardly any reaction from the ton to her speech. it felt like they shrugged their shoulders when she was finished and resumed the ball. my mouth was agape at that--you're telling me not one of the attendees would have rushed up and said "omg it was you??" "how did you do it?" "i can't believe it!" or something to that effect. the bridgertons already had that reaction so it would've been effective for literally anyone in the ton to show some amazement.

-ngl, i also feel quite cheated that Penelope was never celebrated in the way she deserved. yes, she got her wedding and the man she always wanted--but creating/maintaining the Whistledown enterprise is a huge accomplishment. individually there was praise from those closest to her but really there was such a huge element of shame and punishment surrounding it that really bothered me. yeah, she said some mean things but she did it because she was severely neglected/ostracized from her own community. there was no acknowledgment of that at all (that i can recall. once again i should do a rewatch but whatever) and that pains/angers me. not one person beside her mother took a moment to think or say, 'i treated you badly and caused you pain. i'm sorry.' instead they just focused on making penelope apologize again and again when she had only reacted from years of pain, which nobody even deigned to acknowledge.

wasn't there a moment in the book when she gets some applause after her revelation? am i misremembering? but in the show it was like nobody gave a fuck because ooh butterflies! which was...so stupid lol. bless you though, phillippa. penelope single-handedly contributed to the entertainment of the ton for years and exposed awful people even if she made fun of others. characters frequently and often complained if her issue was one day late and debated her true identity and so when she finally reveals herself there's no applause? no true reaction? were they all asleep? what the fuck? that scene was shocking at how badly executed it was. it was rushed and it showed.

-also, WHY choose to have Colin learn Penelope is Lady Whistledown in episode six? I hate this because it crams all the drama in the last two episodes and makes everything feel rushed and frantic. he should have found out in episode three or four and i'll die on that hill. for that matter, his refusal to understand that Whistledown was Penelope's life's work and greatest achievement/power was so annoying. In the book he came around to it pretty fast and yet here it dragged on for way too long. everyone wanted her to give Whistledown up until it benefited them.

-editing to add a huge gripe i have with post-production:

for the love of god, go easy on the filters. the artificial blues and yellows are killing me. in twilight, it was camp. it was great. it does not translate well here. also, have y'all noticed how HEAVILY they blur the backgrounds??? there was one scene with colin and penelope in the garden and every time the camera focuses on one of their faces from over the other's shoulder (they were both seated) the background is blurred heavily. it looks bad!!! stop doing that!!! the backgrounds lend to the vibe! it genuinely makes the show look like crap when i notice that happening. it makes them look like they're using the green screen filter on tik tok. STOP. IT.

(seriously, imagine Joe Wright's Pride and Prejudice, the scene where Elizabeth is on the rocky plains and or she and her aunt and uncle are sitting at the base of that enormous tree--all that gorgeous scenery, remember that? now slap the Bridgerton filter over it so it's all one massive ugly blur. does that mental image fill you with rage? GOOD.)

-i didn't cover this in the prev. post but in part 1, the whole runaway balloon scene was Not Good. Why a balloon? the danger that poses is not that great--why not a runaway horse? there was too much sense of danger to the actual threat posed by a freaking basket. also the way penelope acted in that scene felt very very out of character for her and i hate rewatching it, even if colin looks very dashing while holding the rope. ugh.

-polin's main sex scene was beautiful. i feel kind of disappointed that everything else we got was less than a minute long and not in a weird way. it just feels a fair amount of the promo we got from Nic and Luke was hinting at the sex scenes and yet we got very little in actuality. i keep seeing people talk about there being a minutes long montage of them and yet it got cut. but in season one we got a LOT (imo too many sex scenes between daphne and simon). there were too many side stories happening this season and i'm sure that contributed to that, but there is also a whisper in the back of my mind that tells me that maybe showrunners felt the need to overly pad this season with storylines because they either didn't feel like nicola and luke could carry it alone or because they didn't care.

-i'm really glad genevieve got more scenes here, especially with penelope. their friendship is really nice and it's sad/sweet that penelope chose to spend her last night before her wedding with her, because apparently her mother/sisters didn't plan anything for her.

-frencesca/john. i have no stake in this game since i haven't read their book yet, as i've mentioned before. they're cute together but i'm not invested. they should have gotten married way earlier imo because all the "we need to tip toe around the queen bc she hates us :( but we want to marry now" went on too long and got boring. the michaela thing doesn't bother me but i understand why fans are upset about it.

-polin felt like a side character in part 2. i feel like their scenes went by way too quickly and their screentime was so sparse to the point of legitimately becoming annoying. colin spent most of it mad and penelope spent most of it crying/trying to explain herself. they had hardly any truly happy moments together.

-kanthony was adorable.

-"i love you."

"...are you sure?"

dear reader, my heart split in two. they did a really really good job with showing penelope's self-doubt and low confidence thanks to years of neglect and ridicule and doubt from her mother. when colin stood up for her to her mother and she looked so shocked, my heart broke again for her. poor pen, i just wanted to hold her. when violet and hyacinth hugged penelope after colin announced their engagement i wanted to cry bc poor pen is so starving for positive affirmations/love that just those hugs where enough to overwhelm her.

-also lady danbury saying that she had suspected Pen was whistledown was amazing. i love that she acknowledged her and her love for the bridgertons....but i'm still really upset that they nixed her and penelope's friendship/mentorship that was in the books. she was busy with her own storyline what with violet and marcus and sure it still worked but that was a relationship i was so excited to see in the show...and they didn't even try adapting it except for like, three lines at the very end. >:( hello 911? we've been ROBBED.

(i keep editing this to add more but this is another gripe i have that will not let me rest:

ALSO ALSO ALSO:

i've noticed over seasons 1-2 that the main romantic couple has one dance set to the bridgerton theme song.

in season one, daphne and simon dance to the theme song in episode 2 or 3 (the one where daphne says "and we must try to look like we enjoy each other's company" and simon replies stiffly but then they giggle and laugh all through it which was so cute

in season two, kate and anthony dance to it in the second to last episode where they're dancing with the rest of the bridgertons and lady danbury at the ball they threw that nobody came to. the subtitles say it's a country rendition (whatever that means) of the theme song but they are involved in the dance so it counts.

when i noticed this i thought it was such a cute touch and was anxiously waiting for Penelope and Colin to get their moment.

...instead benedict dances to the bridgerton theme song with Lady Tilley? who he clearly isn't going to end up with? wtf?? and it doesn't even work in the context of the scene because it's a wholesome tune and yet she's dancing like she wants to eat him alive? sigh.

i'm just an old man yelling at clouds now but i wish the writing in this show was better so badly because it meets expectations but it's so frustrating because it can be so much better. let the show breathe! thin out the cast. really pick and choose who gets airtime, because it's precious and you anger your viewers when you waste it.

i will rewatch the season in full at some other point, but i'm too annoyed now. there is much more i want to talk about but this is long enough for now. i will say that at this point i'm not even sure i want to continue watching beyond this season.

(the playlist thing really got me thinking so to prove my point:)

FIVE SONGS THAT ARE A BETTER CHOICE FOR POLIN'S WEDDING DANCE THAN A FUCKING T.S SONG:

-a world alone-lorde (the lyrics are perfect even if they wouldn't be used in an orchestral version)

-little of your love-haim ( perfect choice for the scene imo bc it's very happy and upbeat for a cute wedding dance bit)

-all this and heaven too-florence and the machine

or fuck, if you wanted to make it into a really emotional rather than joyous moment go with dog days are over and it would be a banger with the proper editing bc that song is universal and punches up the emotions any times it's used.

-burning-maggie rogers

-save a kiss--jessie ware

ORRRRR to make it a lil steamy:

-adore you--jessie ware (this would also be perfect ngl)

and i'm not even biased to any of these, i literally just scrolled down my general playlist on spotify and picked them based on the vibes.