#literally crying every single day i was so stressed and anxious and depressed

[youremyonlyhope]

Pippin is my favorite musical of all time.

But unfortunately, I seem to fixate on it during times of my life when my brain is especially existential, anxious, depressed, etc.

The last few days, I've been thinking about Pippin a lot, reading analyses of it, listening to the music. Just generally enjoying my comfort musical.

Then I remembered that earlier this week, my therapist heard me describing how I feel unfulfilled while unemployed and doing a lot of stuff for other people or to make other people happy and not doing anything for myself, all while having a completely messed up sleep schedule. And she said "Hmm... honestly... that sounds a little like depression."

And I was like "No. No. Because I am doing things. It's not like when I've been depressed in the past." but now that I'm back to fixating on Pippin, I think she was somewhat onto something since that's usually a bad sign. Yay!

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

WE ARE BONDED...I THINK YOU'RE A GRYFFINDOR?? RIGHT?? IF IM WRONG ILL BE SO ASHAMED

OH MY GOODNESS YEAH I TOTALLY AGREE. LIKE WHY DO ALL KDRAMAS NEED TO BE KTRAUMAS 😭😭?? COULD WE NOT GET SOME FLUFF FOR ONCE...

HELP THAT ANIME IS SO FUNNY?? he's so relatable for turning into dust btw that's actually mad funny 😂😂😂

HAVE YOU SEEN THE ANIME OF THE GUY WHO'S VA WAS LAUGHING AT THE DUDE'S NICKNAME BEING DICK?? I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME BUT THE VA WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING IN THE STUDIO

no because cheol/hao/wonwoo (and- hot take maybe- shua and jeonghan??) totally give off that 'passive dominance' vibe

YEAH I TOTALLY LOST FEELINGS FOR THAT GUY....LIKE I THINK I MESSED UP IN THE BEGINNING BECAUSE I TEXTED HIM TOO MUCH 🙃🙃 it is what it is tho because i think im much better off without him...........

OKAY I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT PULLING DOMINANT MEN....you either have to act SUPER independent/borderline "leader" like OR you have to act like someone that could be a sub little housewife (like its the 1970s oops).... IM TRYING THOSE 2 OUT RN SO LETS SEE HOW IT GOES LOL

so many meds?? that sounds so complicated (and borderline terrifying 🙁) it must be so bad to be given something that's supposed to help but somehow makes things worse

would a sleep study actually help? here's to hoping it will because not being able to sleep must be torture brie im so sorry i hope you get through this in one piece (ONE PIECE MENTIONED!??!?!?)

PRINCESS SWITCH IS SUCH A GUILTY PLEASURE?? IM GLAD SOMEONE ELSE MENTIONED IT BECAUSE IM SO EMBARASSED TO SAY ITS...KINDA GOOD......

true. imagine ignoring your child's pleas for mashed potatoes... those creamy garlic mashed potatoes are actually a god given right, you can't convince me otherwise 😒😒

NO BRIE YOU DON'T SUCK! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BEING THAT DESERVES THEIR PLACE IN THE WORLD.... AND YOU ARE PRETTY?? I THINK YOUR VISUALS ARE REALLY FRESH 😭

i'm doing great (besides finals.)!! YOU GOT THIS BRIE I BELIEVE IN YOU

-finals week or 🫨 anon's final week? stay tuned

Hufflepuff 😨

NO SERIOUSLY they should make a website like does the dog die but for what episode of a drama you should stop watching at if you want to pretend there is a happy ending

NO HAHAHA I DONT THINK IVE SEEN THAT ANIME BEFORE BUT IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY IF YOU REMEMBER THE NAME PLEASE TELL ME???

I actually really heavily agree on that Joshua take that’s crazy but i feel that

NO I THINK I REALLY MESSED UP WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS i’m so stressed about it too she’s taking a break from social media and i’m going crazy like i feel like part of it is just that i’m too much for her now and i’m so stressed, every day i want to spam her and i have literally been crying every single night because i’m so upset cause i think i really fucked up but like is it worse that i think that she would just abandon me? IDK but i’m so upset it’s been a week now. What if she hates me, and also i went literally crazy and i don’t think she knows how crazy but crying every single night cause i think she hates me and left me is CRAZY like every time i calm down i see reason but i was rereading our interactions so much and analyzing all the things i did wrong so much i had to delete the messages

I’m crazy. I’m crazy actually. I want to just forget everything and move on but imagine i put all this effort into forgetting her because i had a maniac anxious breakdown in the middle of a depressive episode and she comes back completely normal expecting me to be completely normal 😭😭 that would be crazy right

I’m crazy right. I’m crazy.

OKAY THATS IMPORTANT RESEARCH RIGHT THERE ACTUALLY CAUSE I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER MET A MAN WHO WANTS TO DOMINATE ME AND HONESTLY?? IM SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT I KEEP PURPOSELY ACTING UP IN FRONT OF GUYS TOO LIKE PURPOSELY I WILL ACT LIKE A BRAT WHO CANNOT BE CONTROLLED AND NOTHING. NOTHING! PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOUR RESEARCH PROJECT GOES TODAY I LITERALLY TOLD SOMEONE THAT A MAN I FRIENDZONED LIKED TO BE DOMINATED AND TOLD WHAT TO DO AND THE GUY I FRIENDZONED HAS LITERALLY SEEN MY FUCKING BDSM TEST RESULTS AND THERE WERE NO REPERCUSSIONS 😭

Meds are meds i guess i’m just really hoping these new ones work. The sleep study SHOULD be helpful like if it’s a serious health problem. And it will help them know if it’s not like sleep apthia? Or something like that

I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THE HEIST ONE?? AND THEY WERE LIKE but the first one is so bad and i was like oh my god… they haven’t even met the third twin LIKE ITS GOOD???

I don’t remember why i said i suck but oh god so annoying i give myself the ick. TODAY I WAS LIKE i was like when i serve food out to people sometimes i like can’t explain this well but i smile and pose? Like when i turn around i’ll like IDONTKNOW POSE? ITS LIKE SUBTLE BUT ITS LIKE IM IN A MOVIE AND IM THE MAIN CHARACTER AND ITS REALLY ANNOYING AND SUBCONCIOUS SO IM ONLY AWARE AFTER IVE DONE IT AND ITS SO ANNOYING AND IT GIVES ME THE ICK SO BAD i have A SERIOUS pick me problem that no one will EVER acknowledge even when i say it i’m surrounded by LIARS

HOW HAVE YOUR FINALS BEEN GOING ARE THEY GOING WELL?! YOURE GONNA DO AMAZING YOUVE GOT THIS

[that-was-anticlimactic]

reki with tourette’s headcanons

[ID: it’s reki from sk8 the infinity wearing a yellow sweatshirt with his hands on his hips. he’s wearing a red bracelet on his right wrist and he’s smiling. behind him is a touette’s syndrome awareness flag. end ID.]

so. @zukkaclawthorne got me hooked on reki with ts and now imma post headcanons i wrote oops

okay so first—that little skateboard he plays with??? stim toy, actually.

he likes the sound the wheels make—that whirrrrrr sound. it makes his arms flappy :)

he also finds the rolling motion soothing and relaxing and it always calms him down—it takes his mind to a happy place

he rocks back and forth and shakes his legs a lot. that also contributed to why he was terrible at skateboarding the first few times he tried—because his body would be like “time to rock back and forth!” and it would mess him up

neck twitches for days :)

no but for real—neck twitching is one of his worst tics because sometimes—if he’s in a bad mood or if he’s sad or anxious—it gets harsh and violent and really strains his neck.

so, langa gives him neck / upper back neck massages to help with the pain

he went through this phase for a couple of months where whenever his neck would twitch, he would snap his fingers two times.

he has a lot of hand tics which can be stressful when he makes skateboards because sometimes he’ll be in the groove and then suddenly he’ll mess something up

speaking of messing things up, he has a tendency to dig the bottom of his palm into his forehead whenever he feels like he does something stupid—he doesn’t even realize it until someone points it out.

he feels like even more of a failure of a skater because of his tics because they can hold him back and make the course more dangerous.

if his blinking tic resurfaces, sometimes the blinking gets so intense that he literally cannot see for anywhere between five seconds and a minute depending on how bad it is. that is how he got some of his worst scars.

or sometimes he’ll make a really aggressive hand motion and it throws him off balance on the skateboard due to the intensity

anyways back to hand tics: he points a lot and does symbols like the “rock on” sign or certain numbers (for some reason, the most common number for reki to throw up is four—though sometimes he throws up whatever number he hears) he also grunts a lot as a tic so he sounds angry even when he is’t.

sometimes, his hand tics really hurt and his hands become shaky and his fingers start to feel the way his heart feels when he’s anxious. langa helps in different ways—he holds reki’s hand, he gives him something to fidget with to try to distract him (sometimes it’s his own fingers—he’ll just set them in reki’s palm and be like “let me carry some of the pain”—no, reki didn’t totally cry when he said that what)

sometimes, reki sticks pencils in his ears. his teachers have been trying to stop it since he was young, but he always did it anyways—he couldn’t help it.

his hair is also long enough for him to chew on. yes, he chews on the tips of his hair because i say so. sometimes, to stop him from doing that (and from swallowing his own hair), langa will try to make him laugh so it falls out of his mouth and then he’ll scoot close and tuck the hair behind reki’s ears… once they start dating, he kisses him too. but also that’s one reason why he wears the headband—to try to keep his hair out of his face so he doesn’t chew on it.

reki’s favorite form of stimming (other than his skateboard toy, that is) is stress balls. he’s got a couple of stress balls in his room or backpack—even one with string attached so he can carry it around his wrist. he just really likes the texture of them.

after his second race against adam, cherry and joe were so proud of him and also impressed and worried dads that they bought reki a big stress ball, like, the size of a stuffed animal. it was a blue cat. he uses it all the time.

speaking of fricking adam, we all know he would so use reki’s tics against him during a race. like, when he grabbed his wrist and “danced” with him, he would mock reki’s tics or say creepy things about how his verbal tics are music and his motor tics are him dancing along and it makes him so uncomfortable and like even more shaken

oh and adam purposely does things to trigger his tics, like when i mentioned that number tic??? yeah, adam will purposefully say numbers to make reki do the hand gestures

one time, reki wanted to tell langa that he loved him but got nervous so he signed it in sign language instead. but, since reki’s tics are occasionally hand gestures, langa thought that it was just a tic and mentally was like “i wish that was for me…” and reki is like “i wish he knew it was real…” and joe, cherry, shadow, and miya are all facepalming and groaning at their obliviousness

reki prefers taking hand written notes to electronic notes because he draws / doodles to stim and he can’t really doodle well on a laptop. so, he’ll doodle in class all of the time

sometimes, his pictures / notes turn out pretty bad / illegible depending on how bad his tics are, but that doesn’t phase reki. it used to when he was younger, but it doesn’t bother him at all anymore. in fact, he thinks it adds personality

during class, he’ll draw pictures for langa and slid them on his desk. they’re usually really random things like the teacher or the back of someone’s head or squiggly lines or whatever he sees outside. more often than not, it’s abstract art. langa loves these drawings and he keeps them all on his desk in his room.

reki also started drawing pictures for the rest of the sk8 crew and gives it to them during races. when he gave everyone their first doodle, he was like “i’m not the best artist ever and sometimes my tics mess up the doodle, but i thought of you while i drew it so i want you to have it”

(shadow didn’t shed a couple of unwilling dad tears when he got home that night what)

anyways, they all keep them. every single one. miya puts them in their school binder so they don’t feel as alone / isolated at school.

although shadow and miya give reki a lot of crap / teasing about not being as good as everyone else, the second they hear anyone comment about “the weird red head that makes noises” and comments on his ts in a negative way, oh, they will stop you.

sometimes, reki whispers words he hears under his breath as a tic (echolalia, baby~) and when he overhears people saying stuff about “that redhead that always follows snow around” or about him not being good enough or how he’s an idiot to face adam, he ends up muttering that too. and it’s not a one and done kind of thing—like. he does it for days. it makes him so upset (and i already hc him, with depression so it just makes it worse)

having tics while having injuries is not a good combination—especially if it’s with a broken arm. the crew made sure to keep an eye of reki’s comfort / pain level after adam broke his arm and literally tried to kill him in their final race. joe let reki squeeze his hand whenever he felt the urge to tic and cherry would ask him how much pain he was in after he ticced and depending on how bad it would be, would make joe or shadow fetch a heating pad or an icepack for reki.

joe also taught reki about the magical thing called physical therapy tape and helped him put it on his shoulders, neck, and back one time. it was his idea to use the tape on reki’s fingers when he was injured to make him feel better (because it literally makes my fingers feel better)

also langa kisses each of reki’s fingers and knuckles, slowly and tenderly, soft so he doesn’t hurt him or trigger a tic. a way of showing that he loves him not despite his tics, but even with his tics and that he loves him and his tics.

cherry isn’t always the best at showing he cares, so he’ll wear a ts ribbon sometimes in a way to show support (and it makes reki beam)

shadow once gave reki a flower shaped stress ball because there were “extra at work” (not true—he went looking for one)

miya didn’t really know much about ts at first and asked why reki made those noises and made weird movements all the time and langa explained so then that night when miya got home, they did research on ts so they could understand it better. later, they told reki that whenever they called him a slime, they meant it purely about skateboarding and it had nothing to do with his tics—even that his tics didn’t make him less of a skater

all his life, reki had been the different one: the one no one wanted on the team because sometimes his tics messed him up, the one who was asked to leave classes during tests because his tics were too distracting and made him take the test in the hall, when sometimes he’d get too overwhelmed by how close people were in the halls or at races and would have panic attacks, how he rocked in his chair and adjusted his position seventeen times an hour and sat on his feet while the other kids didn’t, how he shook his legs more aggressively than others, how he couldn’t skate as well as everyone else because of his tics and because he wasn’t good enough

which is probably part of the depression that weighs on his shoulders

the first time reki had a panic attack during a race due to closeness and overstimulating noises (and this is the first one after the sk8 crew happened) langa was racing and wasn’t there to help, so shadow kind of panicked and like picked him up under the armpits and carried him away from the crowd since reki could barely process anything other than panic and the sound and feeling of static and they sat in shadow’s car for the rest of the race and once he felt better, he gave shadow a huge hug and shadow returned it.

one time it happened and cherry was nearby and he saw the signs before it got bad (remembered from the previous time / his own experiences) and helped talk reki down before it got bad (he has a soothing voice)

usually, though, when / if it happens (because reki usually feels safe there), langa is the one who helps

but it got so much worse after skating against adam the first time because he no longer felt safe and suddenly everyone cheering adam’s name even after witnessing what he did to reki was too much but langa was racing adam so langa wasn’t there and this time it was joe who kneeled in front of him and started talking just loud enough for reki to hear and he was like “you’re safe—we won’t let anyone hurt you. we won’t let him hurt langa. you’re safe. i’m here and so is cherry and shadow and miya and langa will be waiting for you at the end of the race…”

it happens again at the next race he goes to—and this time it’s miya who notices and they tug on langa’s sleeve and is like “i think you need to take reki somewhere else” and langa does :)

okay i’ll end on a positive ts note or two—langa asks reki to add the ts ribbon to the design on his skateboard

shadow finds chewelry at the store one day when he’s shopping and buys it for reki (and gets a matching one for langa!)

once reki came back after his mental health break, the first thing joe said to him was, and this is nonnegotiable “reki! i missed you and your tics!”

miya once overheard reki muttering to himself about his annoying tics were, so they intervened and was like “your tics aren’t annoying. they’re you and anyone who think s they’re annoying is an idiot”

and for the first time in his life, reki doesn’t feel alone and isolated and so different from everyone (at least, he’s working on that last one) and he’s finally found a group of people who want him on their team and a boyfriend who always supports him and makes him feel less isolated, tics and all <3

i uhh I have a lot of feelings,,,

[theoreticslut]

“What better way to show you that we’re here for you?”

part 1 / part 2 / part 3

pairing: fred weasley x reader x george weasley

requested: no

word count: 3.4k

warnings: depression!! & some mentions of anxiety, cheating, insecurities; ANGST (sorry!)

A/N: Ughhhh; let me start this by saying there is definitely going to be more to this, i’m just still not sure how much exactly. I normally try to have series like this written out long in advance so I have a more concrete idea and schedule for it, but it’s obviously not happening for this one. I still love this one tremendously so I’m excited to see how it goes, but man I’m breaking my own heart writing it. Anyways, I do apologize for being kinda inactive on here the last week or two. I’ve been stressing out a lot over school and just the holidays, but I’m trying to get things up for you <3 I have a few things written, but it’s just a matter of editing them and then getting them formatted on here and I’ve just been so tired lately. So i apologize & I am trying to get things out here. I have a request or two that I’m working on which I will hopefully have up this week so please just bear with me. Also, reminder!! Please feel free to check out my sleepover event that I’ll be keeping open for another week or so as well as my holiday prompt list for requests!! I love you all and hope you enjoy this part of the story!! Xx

Taglist: @justmesadgirl @xuckduck @yikesyikesyikes95 @filipi-yes @aestheticwh0r3 @whoreforlangdons @matsuno-nadeshiko @msmarklee1213 @immajustreadwritereblog @msmimimerton @lauren2408 @mischievous-queen @bunnyboo7 @grandeoptimist @kaitlynw011 @daddystevee @slytherinxhunter @streetfighterrichie @softlyqoos @sarcasticallywitty15 @isthereanymorejello 

^let me know if you’d like to be added/removed! Xx

“Y/n? Are you awake?” You hear hermione ask cautiously, the door creaking slightly as she comes inside your shared dorm room.

You’re not sure what time it is, but it doesn’t really matter right at the moment. All you know is that it’s finally Saturday again and that you didn’t want to get out of bed regardless of whatever time it is.

This past week has been exhausting and you just wanted to sleep it off. You didn’t want to socialize with anyone, you didn’t want to stress about homework, and you certainly didn’t want to move from your current spot.

“I don’t want to be.” You grumble, pulling your blankets up tighter around your head so you were completely buried from your neck down.

“Y/n, you need to come down and eat. You barely eat anything that Harry, Ron, or I bring up for you. We’re worried.”

“Don’t have to be, ‘mione. I’ve dragged myself to the kitchen a few times. I’m not dying.”

You hear her sigh as the side of your bed dips down. You’ve been like this for nearly two weeks now. Ever since the twins told you that they loved you and you said that they couldn’t.

Hermione had you tell her all about it after she saw Fred storm down the stairs from your guys’ dormitory up to his and George’s, George following after him worriedly a couple minutes later, then finding you crying your eyes out alone up here.

She knew that you loved the two redheads, but she could also completely understand you being wary of their words given your guys’ past on top of how tragically your last relationship ended.

She has been giving you time because she knows you need it, but three weeks is concerning without even considering that you’re barely eating and sleeping. Not to mention that you literally drag yourself to your classes as if you’re bound in weighted shackles.

“Maybe not right at this minute, but if you don’t start taking care of yourself you will be.” She states, looking over at you.

She hates seeing you so broken. Sure you were hurt after finding Will cheating on you and the whole smoke-bomb-under-your-fork thing with the twins, but this is far worse. You honestly look like a ghost of a person and it’s terrifying.

“I’m just...not hungry, ‘mione. You’re not going to force me to eat if I can’t, are you?”

“Y/n, I know you’re hurting, but you’re hurting the rest of us as well by not taking care of yourself.” Hermione starts, looking over at you.

“Harry and Ron, they don’t show it well, but they’re worried about you. Those two boys. They’re worried. About you. They hardly ever worry.”

“Not to mention how worried I am. You look as if your soul has been sucked from your body, which is saying something because even with Will you didn’t look this terrible.”

“And I don’t even need to point out how worried McGonagall is. She’s constantly asking whether you’re okay or not, both to you and the rest of us.”

“And I know it probably doesn’t seem it, but Fred and George? They’re worried too, y/n. They’re always watching you during classes to see if you’re okay and they both look for you at meals. I honestly think they’re starting to go crazy since you haven’t been down to any meals lately.”

“You have so many people worried, y/n. So many people that care.” Hermione finishes, watching as you take in a shuddering breath.

You don’t like worrying people or upsetting them, but you just can’t keep pushing. You feel as if every breath is a chore and that your chest is hollow; it feels as if your heart has just got up and left, only leaving behind an aching hole.

You thought that you would be okay, you went to classes the day after their confession, but you couldn’t handle the way the twins were looking at you. Fred looked so angry and took it out by flirting with any other girl he could, but you could see through the anger to all the hurt that you caused. You hated knowing you hurt him so bad that he had to let it out as anger, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything about it. You were much too confused of your own feelings to even consider comforting anyone else.

George on the other hand just looked so torn. He looked hurt, sure, but he seemed to be showing more worry for you than anything. It’s as if he doesn’t care what he’s feeling at all and it bothered you. You knew your words had hurt him and yet he just doesn’t seem to care. He still wants nothing more than to be there for you and it was just too confusing. You couldn’t understand how he still wanted to be there for you when you had essentially told him he didn’t know what he was feeling.

The following day wasn’t any better nor the day after that. They kept giving you the same looks, if they’d even look at you. George seemed to never look away from you when you were around whereas Fred tried everything in his power to not have to look at you.

On top of that, they wouldn’t talk to you, but you knew they were talking about you.  And then you just kept seeing them everywhere. It was as if you became hyperaware of their presence which you very much did not want to happen.

You let out a choked sob as everything hits you again and hermione frowns, wrapping her arms around you. She wanted to take all of this pain away, but she really had no idea how. She always had a solution and yet she didn’t have one to this.

“I don’t like this, ‘mione. I don’t like any of it.” You sob, the hole in your chest aching.

~.~

Hermione finally got you calmed down enough to where you could breathe and convinced you to come down for breakfast, promising that as soon as she was happy she would do whatever you wanted, whether that be go to library, go for a walk, or just hang out in the common room.

“Everyone’s going to stare at me, ‘mione. I don’t want them to stare.” You sigh, feeling jittery as your nerves begin acting up.

“Take a breath, y/n. Just walk along beside me and no one will stare.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm your anxiety, but it doesn’t do much. You still feel like you’re going to be sick.

As soon as you walk through the doors to the great hall, you snap your head down. You don’t want to look at anyone and you don’t want them looking at you. You figure the best way to make that happen is just look away from it all.

Unfortunately, you glance up just as your passing by the spot where Fred and George sit when they aren’t with you guys. If you could go back just those few seconds to not have to see the looks on their faces, you would do so without a second thought.

Fred was surprised to see you, his worry for you showing through only momentarily before he’s smiling at some girl beside him. George, however, was a mix of relief, complete worry, and total devastation. Looking at the two of them made your stomach flip and your heart sink.

“Breathe, y/n.” Hermione reminds you and you nod looking over at her as you try not to be sick.

“Y/n!” Ron smiles as you and hermione sit down.

“Hey, Ron. Harry.” You greet as the two light up at your presence.

“How are you feeling?” Harry asks, concern written in his facial features.

“Like I’m going to be sick, honestly. I don’t know how hermione talked me into coming down here.”

He smiles sadly at you, knowing how much pain you’re in and wishing there was something - anything - he could do.

“Well, grab something. It doesn’t have to be a lot, y/n, but you need to eat.” Hermione urges and you nod, taking a single pancake and a few pieces of bacon. You doubt you’ll even be able to eat that, but you’d at least try.

Just as you go to take your first bite, now realizing how hungry you truly are by the way your stomach cramps, George takes a seat next to you, facing you.

“Y/n-“

“George, now really isn’t a good time.” Hermione states, frowning at the redhead.

“I just, I need to-“

“She needs to eat. It’d be better if the reason she hasn’t been eating wasn’t sitting right beside her.”

“I know, I just-“

“Bloody hell, George. Just leave y/n alone for godricks sake! I can’t stand to see my friend hurt anymore because of you and Fred.” Ron snaps, glaring at his older brother.

“Ron,” Harry warns.

You bite your lip at his outburst. On one hand it’s nice to know that he care so deeply for you, but on the other it made you even more anxious. You didn’t like when people fought.

“That’s not fair, Ron. You know how I feel about her. I just need to see how she is.” George frowns, hurt by his younger brother’s words.

You curl up into yourself, wishing to Merlin you could just disapparate from here and right now. You didn’t want people fighting over you, especially if it was Ron with his brothers.

“Please stop.” You choke out, your voice barely above a whisper. You didn’t want to handle any of this.

“I’m sorry, y/n.” Hermione frowns, having only convinced you to come here so you could eat and she would know. She never wanted to give you more to deal with.

“Not your fault, ‘mione.” You say, trying to give her a small smile, but it was harder than you remember.

“Sorry, y/n.” Ron mumbles sincerely yet still glaring at his brother beside you.

“It’s fine.” You whisper, staring at your plate of uneaten food.

“Are you really not going to eat?” You hear George ask as he watches you stare at your plate, gently pushing the food around after a few seconds.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Bollocks, y/n. I haven’t seen you down here in two weeks and I know for a fact you don’t come down to the kitchens nearly enough to make up for skipping meals. You’re not going to starve yourself.” He states firmly, but not in anger.

“I’m not.”

“Please just eat. Godrick, y/n, I can’t stand watching you not take care of yourself.”

“I can’t, George.” You nearly whisper, trying desperately not to let your tears fall.

Sure it sounds like you’re telling him that you just can’t eat, but there’s so much more meaning behind it and you know that he understands it. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t stop crying, you can’t stop hurting, you can’t figure out how to stop worrying everyone. You just can’t do anything anymore.

You loved Fred and George so much, you knew it just as much as hermione did, and she was aware of it long before you were. You loved the two of them more than anything, but even though you wanted to believe them saying they loved you, your heart and your mind were holding you back.

Your heart still hurt so much from what Will had done. It’s not even just the cheating anymore, but everything during the relationship as well. He’d tell you he loves you but would never hold you. He’d tell you that you meant the world to him, yet he very rarely kissed you. He was telling you everything he should, but he wasn’t doing anything to back it up. You suppose your heart was just experiencing some trust issues, which in all honesty, no one could blame you for.

Then your head was telling you no. Not for any reason in particular, just no. It wouldn’t let you believe the twins had any sort of feelings for you other than as friend. No matter how much you tried to reason, your brain kept resisting. Some could argue it was your own insecurities telling you no, but in all reality you had no idea whatsoever.

From any angle you were trying to look at, you just couldn’t do anything. You truly felt like a puppet trapped inside its box. You had all this potential to do what was needed, but unless someone else forced you to do it you were useless.

“Hey. Hey, darling. Shh. No reason to cry. I know it’s all really hard and I am so so sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen. I’m not mad or upset at all. I’m just really worried about you. I care about you so much and I don’t want to see you hurting yourself.” George ushers, gently placing a hand on your back.

He hates seeing you so hurt, but he knows it’s not just because of him and Fred. He’s well aware that you’re still carrying a lot of hurt over Will, even if you don’t show it, not to mention your own insecurities that have had years to imbed themselves in your thoughts. You may have never said any of this out loud, but George knew what was hurting you.

He frowns, sadness completely taking over his features as he looks down at his twin who’s been watching this whole ordeal. He won’t admit it, but Fred has been hurting just as much. He loves you with his very being and would do literally anything for you, but it hurt when you said that he couldn’t love you. He didn’t realize, unlike George, how insecure and broken you were after Will and took your denial of his feelings personally.

He tries to hide the fact of how hurt he is, but George can see through him. In fact, he’s pretty sure most everyone can if they look close enough. He wishes he could take you into his arms and just hold you, tell you that everything is going to be alright, but he can’t let himself.

Watching you nearly break down crying over nothing really happening breaks his heart, however. He wants to walk right over there and pull you into his arms, giving you kisses all over your neck and face until you feel whole again. He wants to make you realize just how perfect you truly are. The only thing that’s stopping him is his pride, which George has already argued with him over.

“Everything hurts...so much.” You whimper, staring at your plate as tears fall down your cheeks.

“Darling...” George frowns, rubbing your back as he’s not sure if you’d let him pull you into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Y-you guys don’t need to see me like this. I’m being selfish, making you all uncomfortable.” You sniffle, wiping at your eyes.

You didn’t like to be the center of attention nor did you like being emotional in front of others. You always felt so weak and pathetic breaking down and you didn’t want anyone else to think that of you.

“It’s alright, y/n. We want to help you, but we don’t know how if you won’t tell us what’s wrong.” Harry speaks gently and you give him a small, grateful smile, your bottom lip quivering slightly at the onslaught of emotions building up inside you.

“Can you try eating a bit, sweetheart? Then we can take you back to the common room where you can let it all out.” George suggests and you shrug, wiping at your cheeks.

You really are hungry, but your just really not sure if you can eat anything. Looking at the food is turning your stomach.

“Y/n, just take one bite. Just to start with.” You hear hermione encourage you and you sigh, stabbing the bite you were about to take when George sat down and shoving it in your mouth.

You chew it slowly, your stomach clenching at the thought of food entering it and not sure if it’s going to accept or reject it.

“Swallow.” George instructs, watching as your face crunches up as you try to figure out which way your stomach is going to go.

He knows that if you just take it slow, eventually when you get enough in your stomach it’ll be fine; it’ll be happy. It’s just getting you to that point he has to worry about.

~.~

Eventually you eat enough to please everyone and they let you head back to the common room. Granted, they all had to come along, George holding you up as you walk because of how weak you feel.

You all sit on the couch; Ron and Harry sitting next to each other, you leaning up against George as he holds you, and hermione sitting next to you on the other side of George.

“You guys don’t have to do this, you know.” You mumble, not really sure how to feel about your friends just sitting here in silence with you.

“What better way to show you that we’re here for you?” Ron responds, smiling at you.

“Yeah, you don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it. All you have to know is that we’re here if you want to.” George agrees.

You smile slightly, your heart starting to feel something other than ache. How you got to be so lucky with these friends you weren’t sure. They were more than you could have ever asked for, but you really weren’t sure what you’d do without any one of them.

~.~

“How is she doing, Georgie?” You hear someone whisper in your half sleep.

You’re not sure quite how long ago it was, but you had fallen asleep laying there against George as your friends sat with you. As they promised, they weren’t trying to get you to talk, but just sat there so you knew you had them if needed.

It confused you as to how you were able to let George hold you and care for you so easily. You were sure you didn’t want either him or Fred around, but the second he was there you just gave in. Sure you had felt comfortable and safe with the two, but they were part of the reason you were hurting so bad. So why was it so easy to ignore that and let him comfort you?

“She’s in a lot of pain, Freddie. I can’t imagine for how long and I don’t know how long it’ll take her to start feeling better, but this wasn’t just some random outburst. I think she’s been holding a lot in and it finally just got to be too much.”

You sigh, turning slightly into the couch, trying to shut out the light and sound that had started to seep through. You were still so tired, all your sleepless nights finally catching up to you.

“I hate myself for making her hurt so much. I just, I really love her.” The first voice speaks, seeming to choke up at the end.

“I don’t think it’s us that upset her, Freddie. I get the feeling Will wasn’t as good to her as she pretends he was. Not to mention how much it messes with your head to be cheated on. On top of that, I get the feeling she has some pretty deep insecurities she hides real well normally.”

“I just want to help her. I want her to realize how much we love her and how amazing she is. Merlin, George.” The voice chuckles, sniffling a bit as if they were about to cry.

“I love you.” You mumble, not even realizing you’re saying it. All you know is that you need to. Your heart is finally starting to warm up and you know it’s because of the two redheads sitting here with you, even though you haven’t registered that’s who is with you. You know you love them and that they love you given the fact they’re both here with you, wanting to comfort you, even though you had said some pretty mean things to them.

Before you can register any of this, you’re fast asleep again, sighing contently as you unconsciously pull the blanket, that hermione had covered you with after a while, tighter around your shoulders.

The twins watch you happily. Confused, but happy. You have been through some pretty rough water, but maybe there is a chance for you three after all.

[binxyu]

No one is perfect. That much is obvious. Even if some pretend they are, they never will be. You tried so hard to be perfect for Chan, not wanting him to know the truth about you. But, it turned out that maybe your heartbeat was a little more understanding than you originally thought.

>>Pairing: Christopher Bang x reader | boyfriend!chan x mentally ill!reader

>>Word Count: 1.5k

>>Genre: Oneshot / Angst

>>Warnings: Mental illnesses (anxiety, depression, and ED behaviors), profanity, and s*icide

Am I enough?

What do I have to live for?

Those are the questions that flooded your head every second of every day, but the answer was always the same.

Him. I live for him. Not me. Him.

You started dating Chan months ago. You were in a long distance relationship with him and he only saw the good parts of you. You never complained to him. You never showed him your problems. You wanted your relationship to be everything you’ve dreamed of.

Happy and healthy. That’s what you wanted.

Something you had never gotten before in your life. Happiness. True happiness.

Sure, Chan helped distract you from the pain you felt, but he could never heal you. No one could. No one had.

The person you showed on your phone when you two FaceTimed or when you would send wholesome memes to each other at 3 am was not you. That was your happy ego you made up. That was the young part of you that never worried about how ugly you looked, how useless you were, how stressful it was to wake up everyday, or how you could never trust anyone because everyone had broken you.

You could never show your boyfriend that. It would break him. He’d blame hisself like the others had. He’d bring it back on him and you’d feel guilty. Like you always had.

Maybe it was best you had yet to meet in real life. You had time to put a fake smile on if you called over the phone. You had time to put your guard up. In real life, you would never have the strength to keep that guard up.

Recently, everything had gone to shit. You made excuses every single day to avoid talking to Chan. It had been weeks since you called one another or sent those memes from before. You couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore.

I’m everything but okay.

I’m angry, depressed, anxious, starving, humiliated, and lonely.

But, I’m not fucking okay.

You held the gun to your head, ready to fucking end it all. You just wanted the pain to end. You never wanted to die.

You just didn’t want to live. You didn’t want to live this horrible life.

Tears went down your face as your finger started to pull the trigger, but you stopped when you heard your phone ringing.

Chan.

Fuck off.

It was like every single time you felt bad, he was there. It was like he could fucking sense it and he’s stopped you way too many times before.

You picked up the gun again, crying harder and trying to ignore the constant phone calls until you finally screamed in complete frustration and threw the gun. You fell to the ground in tears and finally picked up the call.

“Y/n?”, Chan asked and you tried your best to put your guard up, wiping your tears away and taking a deep breath.

“Oh hey Chan”, you heard a knock at your door and quickly went to hide the gun, shaking in panic.

“Open the door right now. I’ve heard everything”, you covered your mouth and started to cry again, feeling a panic attack start to build up as your vision slowly started to go white, “please y/n. Open the damn door” your boyfriend begged.

No. He’s going to see you. The real you.

The you that cried yourself to sleep every night. The you that fell asleep at their desk because they felt they had nothing more to live for besides work. The you that dedicated your life to helping others and making others happy because you ever wanted others to feel how you felt.

That’s who your boyfriend was going to see upon first meet. That’s the depressed, anxious, unhealthy, and exhausted person he’s going to meet. Not the bubbly, energetic, and, all around, happy person he fell in love with.

No, he wasn’t going to meet your fucking alter ego you made up. He was meeting you.

“Go away. You don’t want to come in. Believe me”, you breathed heavily and Chan gently knocked again before you heard him sigh on the phone.

“Fine, talk to me. Through the door”, you heard him slide down the door, his head resting against it.

“Chan. I’ve lied this whole fucking time. I’m not the person you fell in love with. I’m broken. I’m just empty”, you sat in front of the door and tried to catch your breath as the tears started to fall again.

“Y/n.... that’s bullshit. You are the person I fell in love with. Just because you’re having a bad time all of sudden doesn’t mean-“, you cut him off immediately.

“It’s not all of a sudden! It’s all the fucking time! My entire life I’ve felt like this. I’ve never been truly happy”, you slammed your head against the door, trying to distract yourself from the urge to just say ‘fuck it’ and do it. End it.

“Baby... I love you. No matter what. No matter what you’re going through. I’m here”, Chan promised and you just wanted him to leave. You wanted him to leave because you knew he’d leave just like everyone else.

Because I was never perfect.

I was never the person he fell for.

Never perfect.

Just a useless shell of a person.

“Fuck off. Go away”, you tried your best to get rid of him and hung up the phone, putting your face in your knees and crying.

Crying for the fifth time that day.

Why did I live for everyone but myself?

Why am I still here?

“I won’t leave until I know you’re okay”, he said loud enough for you to hear through the door.

The man you had always wanted to meet was right on the other side of your front door.

And, yet, you didn’t feel joy. You felt dread.

Not because of Chan, but because that’s all you did feel anymore.

He’s going to be here forever then. He’s the only reason I’m still breathing. The only reason my heart is still beating.

It literally beats only for him.

You chuckled at the horrible joke you made in your head and cried harder after you had, sobbing into your hands. Chan felt completely heartbroken as he listened to you through the door.

“You’re going to be here a while then. You might as well leave”, you shook your head and Chan called you again. You sighed before accepting the call and putting it on speaker.

“I’m not leaving you. Push me away all you want, but I’m not leaving you”, he promised.

Why do they all say that?

Why do they all lie?

“Everyone says that. Everyone lies”, you moved away from the door and towards the gun desperately. Desperately looking for a way out.

“I’m not. Let me in. Let me help you y/n”, Chan begged and you could hear his own tears when he heard the safety get clicked off the gun, “don’t do it. Please”. You brought your fist down onto your thigh that was already covered in the bruises that you gave yourself in a desperate attempt to distract yourself from the pain.

You pulled the trigger.

Chan had never cried harder in his life.

You were gone. The love of his life was gone.

Just like that.

Asshole. You can never let me give up.

You opened the door and Chan almost fell through, but he caught himself. He looked up, tears staining his cheeks as he looked at you.

“I shot the wall”, you sat down beside him and let him take everything in.

It was the first time Chan really saw you.

How your skin was sunken in due to months of not caring enough to eat and how food was the only thing you could control in your life. How there were bags under your eyes from nights of not sleeping. How bruises littered your body from nights of punching and scratching at your skin for a pain that wasn’t mental. You looked like shit.

And, yet, he smiled. A small one. But, he smiled.

“You’re alive”, Chan sobbed and wrapped his arms around your frail body, being careful not to hurt you. You gulped, unsure of how to respond to the affection. You had never been showed love in real life. You were always just a toy to everyone.

“Yeah”, you simply responded and slowly wrapped your arms around him too. Both of you just crying in each other’s arms.

“Never leave me. Talk to me”, easier said than done, but you guessed if he had stayed after all that then he meant it.

“I’ll try my best”, you whispered and just held onto him tighter.

“But, I’m not perfect Chan. Don’t you want someone perfect? Like you?”, you felt completely like a bother as you spoke. You lied to him for months and practically pretended to be someone else.

“No. I want you. No one is perfect baby”, he reassured and you sighed.

Yeah, no one is perfect until you find someone better and go to them instead.

Until you leave me just like everyone else.

Until my heartbeat leaves me.

“Yeah. I guess”.

[ntamain]

Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

[babyloniastreasure]

right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me  who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if 

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im  so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop

[alhasanalobaydan]

The Artist That Made a Music Fan

How do you get attached to music in a country where music is not a part of its daily life? Exactly, you don’t. And this is my situation, kind of. I was born and raised in a conservative country that “was”, kind of music-less. Music is considered "sinful" or "haram" in my country. This is based in part on certain ahadith (plural of hadith), which speak negatively of non-percussion musical instruments and the idea that music and art are distractions from God. The music in my country is a bit limited, meaning that there aren’t, or may be “were not” is a better word- many types of music or artists, I will talk a bit more about that in a video later. So, anyways, I grew up without listening to music, mostly, which is different from most people. And I feel that made me the music addict I am now. So, here is my story falling in love with the very first artist/musician I listened to, which is Sia.

Sia is a huge Australian artist, who made many hits, including: Chandelier, Elastic heart, Cheap Thrills… so on. She started her career sometime in the 1900s in a band called “Crisp” that made jazz-ish music. The band disbanded, then Sia started her solo career from then, in 1997. She produced few solo albums, like: “Only See” and “Healing Is Difficult”. Ok, her present is what made me love her, she released Chandelier in 2014 as a lead single to her new album “1000 form of Fear” and it was amazing. I did not know the song when it was blowing up in around the world, the song kind of blew up a bit later in Saudi, around the time when elastic her was blowing up, because of its music video. Anyways, I remember I was really stressed out back then, because I had an ILETS exam, two SAT(but Saudi version) exams and my high-school finals, which were very important because they decide if I will make it to get accepted in the scholarship or not. So, all of this stress made very anxious and emotionally unstable. My cousin, who listens to music back then, showed me the video of Elastic heart and the memes that came after it, we talked about the controversy too and is the song good or not. And from there I googled Sia and listened to Chandelier, which was my first song that got uploaded to my phone and became an addict to it. This song makes my heart cry and at the same it kind of lifts the weight on it too.

Speaking of “Elastic Heart”, I feel I should address the controversy around it, I when me and my cousin were discussing the topic, after officially being a music fan, I digged a bit deeper in the controversy about the music video of “Elastic Heart”. Because she was (and still is) my favorite artist, and the only one back then, so, I was so curios about what people thought of it and how did Sie herself react. The video of “Elastic Heart” caused the controversy with people tweeting and commenting by saying it is pedophilic. The reason for this is that because the video included Shia Labouf, who was popular back in the day, with the child, Maddie Zeigler, a young dancer, dancing inside a cage. Well, that is not all to it, those two dancers were wearing beige clothes, which kind of made them look like as if they were naked. The video is really popular and made achievements: hitting a billion views and being one of the top ten watched music videos in 2015 … so on. However, the controversy was still there and Sia apologized for it and tweeted that this was unintentional. This story of the video is what made me really fall in love with her, and I feel this accident made her more aware of her position as a musician and thus she is putting more efforts in her music videos, which is a good thing.

Another thing that helped her career is her collaborations. Plot twist, I realized that I listened to Sia, from my cousins who listen to music, before even knowing her. She has really big collaborations, from being featured in other artists songs, just like: “Titanium” with David Guetta and “Wild One” with Flo Rida, to writing music for other artists, like: Rihanna’s Diamonds and other songs for Beyoncé and other big artists, to acting/voice acting in movies like: “Peter rabbit”, “Scooby-Do”, “My Little Pony” and many more. These appearances and collaborations made her even more popular, and I feel that she develops every time I see her collaborating with others as an artist. At first, she was more of a jazz singer, but with years she became a pop singer, and lately she even produced some R and B music too, which is also amazing. Even her music topics changes. She was all about sadness and depression, she literally has “100 Forms of Fear” as an album title. However, Recently, she is more positive, empowering and inspiring, making songs like: “The Greatest”, “Unstoppable” and a lot more, definitely shows that she is improving and developing, it is not like that she doesn’t have any experience, but I can see that she still puts her heart on her work.

The rolling stone magazine stated “She’s penned more than 100 pop songs for artists like Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Perry and Rihanna, whose “Diamonds” hit Number One. And she’s overcome more than her share of hurdles to get where she is today, including alcoholism, bipolar disorder, an autoimmune disorder and a suicide attempt (more on all that in a minute).”, suicide? Interesting, digging a bit deeper in her life, I read that she suffered from addiction of alcohol and even tried committing suicide, which was a shock to me, but again, is that why her music speaks to me genuinely? Is that why when I listened to her sad songs for the first time, I felt her misery? Maybe.

 Oh yeah, is that the reason for the big wig and bow? Don’t care, I love her anyways.

Resources:

Rolling stone article about Sia: 

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/sia-face-songs-chandelier-maddie-ziegler-712691/

Elastic heart music video:

https://youtu.be/KWZGAExj-es

this is a list of Sia’s best songs to me in her albums:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0AaZ3ruGquksJDHcqic3ty?si=EM5C0bXvSRyqCnlCHmFc7Q

[h3adcarsbending]

pity party • matty healy x reader

Pity Party - M.H.

wc- 2856 or smth like that

The reader, in the midst of a particularly bad day, is dragged along to a party by her boyfriend Matty. But she really doesn’t want to be a burden or ruin his night.

It was a stressful day for poor Y/N, and being dragged along to a party by her boyfriend didn’t help much either. Not like she’d ever let Matty know what was up - she hated burdening him with her problems. She didn’t want to scare him off, now did she? Her curly haired rockstar was the best thing that had ever happened to her. If she lost Matty, who knows what she’d do.

But, anything for him. She would go to the party, pretend to have a good time, and hope for the best, because let’s be honest for a moment…  not much could go wrong. Or could it? Oh, shut up with the cliches, will you!

    “Love, are you almost ready?” called the boyfriend in question from the living room of their shared Manchester flat.

Y/N sighed apologetically, attempting to quickly gain at least some composure before having to face Matty. “Y-yeah. Just one second, babe…”

With that, she took a final glance in the mirror and confirmed she looked alright. She didn’t feel too hot today. But there wasn’t much she could do to tend to her overwhelming insecurities at this very moment. Turning the knob with shaky, but freshly manicured hands, she exited the bathroom - her favourite place to cry - and greeted the beautiful, curly haired man in front of her, a fake smile a stark contrast to his genuine one. She felt somewhat guilty, but she’d feel guiltier if she let him know what was wrong. Letting him have a lovely time at George’s carouse was all she wanted. She knew firsthand how hard Matty and the boys worked, and how little rest they got… frankly, it amazed her. How he could do everything he did seldom any breaks was perplexing to the Y/H/C girl.

Matty looked at her up and down, practically tearing off her beautiful sequined black dress with his gorgeous chocolate (ha) brown eyes alone. He snaked a pale, inked arm around her waist, planting a soft, heartfelt kiss on her cheek. “You look breathtaking, love!” he exclaimed, a look of pure and utter adoration on his lovely face. Oh, how lucky she was. She didn’t think she deserved him - but then again, he didn’t think he deserved her, either. Again with the guilt.

She averted her gaze to the floor at an alarming speed, biting back a flood of tears in an attempt to do two things; save both her dignity and the glittery smokey eye she’d spent an unreasonable amount of time on. “Thank you. You look quite fit yourself, Matty,” she squeaked, trying to hide the burning of oncoming tears at the back of her throat that often resulted in a rather telling voice crack which made her sound like a twelve year old boy. She did not succeed. “Sorry. Eyeshadow in my eye. That stuff hurts,” she chuckled, giving her all to play it off. She felt terrible lying to him but it was all she could do right then and there, hm?

Matty looked concerned. He suspected she was upset - but for both her and the night’s sake decided not to make a big deal of it, raising his thick eyebrows worriedly. “I’d imagine it does, love,” he replied, squeezing her hand affectionately. “You sure you’re alright? We can tell George we can’t come--”

“No! No, no, no, don’t do that!” she pleaded, cutting him off. “I’m okay. It’s fine, babe, it’s nothing. Promise!” 

“Alright,” he sighed, pulling her in for a hug. Y/N melted into the embrace, her head lying on his comfortable (albeit bony) chest. Listening to his heartbeat was quite therapeutic for her, and he knew that. “Let’s go.”

She nodded, and off they went.

To say the car ride was tense was a bit of an understatement. Y/N chewed at her glossy, made up lips, and Matty’s elegant free hand diverged from its usual spot at his girlfriend’s thigh and instead rested on the wheel of the car, bouncing up and down in coordination with his thigh. She didn’t dare gaze anywhere but outside the window, meanwhile he routinely checked up on her. For what reason, he wasn’t sure. It vaguely reminded them of the aftermath of their arguments -- but even then there was less… silence. It was deafening. Matty quickly turned on the radio (conveniently playing some sad, mainstream pop tune by the latest one-hit wonder) to elevate the mood and diminish the awkwardness. He wanted to talk, he just wasn’t sure how to go about doing so.

For the first time, Y/N looked away from the window and instead at her thighs. And her stomach. She cringed inwardly upon the sight, regretting giving in to the hearty lunch Matty had fixed for the two of them - it tasted surprisingly good, but she was quite bloated, even after a good five or so hours, which made her pretty anxious. Her soft, thick thighs, which he liked, weren’t to her liking. Not even close. Subconsciously, she tugged at her hair, threatening to rip it all out and scream, once again holding back a waterfall of tears. Then, back to staring at the cars passing by.

Eventually, they made it to George’s place. They could hear the music blaring from the opposite end of the block -- it was loud. Impossibly tumultuous. That by itself was already stressing Y/N out, to the point where she didn’t even realize Matty had stopped the car until he opened her door and helped her out. She thanked him, clinging onto his hand as if it was her last breath; his other hand rubbed her back in a soothing matter. They got to the door and were greeted by none other than Adam Hann after a brief sequence of knocks, his beautifully angled eyebrows sitting at an even higher angle once his eyes met with the pair’s own. “Y/N! Matty! A bit late, but come in! We’ve been waiting for ages,” he chirped, a slight slur to his words, especially when he emphasized ‘ages’. 

Matty gave his close friend a slight chuckle, you instinctively following suit. “Yeah, sorry about that, mate. My love-” he ruffled your curled hair with his free hand, pulling you in a bit closer to him and kissing your forehead “-here is just so distractingly beautiful!” A very, very, embarrassingly bright blush crept onto your cheeks, and you let out the first genuine giggle you had all day. It was those small, yet memorable moments of pure cuteness that really made you fall in love with him. You cherished those memories -- you remembered every single time he’d done something like that. It was a mix of hilarity and endearment that you felt every time Matty shed his bad boy, rock star demeanour and replaced his it with a soft, loving one. One that secretly preferred being the little spoon sometimes. One that was surprisingly vulnerable. It was a side of Matty most people didn’t get to experience - and boy, was she grateful she got to. 

“Not as pretty as you, Matthew,” you teased, wrapping your arms around his neck (which was covered in a mop of dark brown ringlets). He looked at you with a face that could only be described as an odd mix of amusement, adoration, and disgust.

“Don’t ever call me Matthew again, for the love of God.” Matty laughed, even harder as Adam faked a gag. “Oh, shut the fuck up, Hann! S’not like you and Carly are any different.”

“Not publicly. That’s gross.”

“Shut your trap,” he quipped as he jokingly shoved the blonde guitarist away so he could enter George’s not-so-humble abode (though he was quite humble about it nevertheless) with his girlfriend in tow.

    The lights were bright. They flashed a lot, too (they flashed even more than those God-awful ‘groupies’ at literally every show the boys played), and they were far from pleasant; Y/N felt slightly queasy but, not like she herself would throw up… rather like her mind would. It seemed to be a combination of stress, body image, and  an unexpectedly onset depressive episode. She felt herself stumble, almost as if she was as intoxicated as the vast majority of people attending this event, but she caught herself before Matty noticed. He was talking to some old friend he hadn’t seen since high school, which made her job easier as he assumed she was just being lovey-dovey when she gripped his arm - his obliviousness was a gift at times. This being one of them.

    The friend - Y/N gathered her name was Tiera - was stunning. Jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Model material. Her bone structure was immaculate, and her platinum blonde box braids contrasted beautifully with her glowing dark skin. Her body was just as, if not more perfect than her face. She was fit in every sense of the word, with curves that would be the death of any woman or man who laid eyes on them… and YN’s brain insisted that this mesmerizing lady was going to be the end of her Matty too, and taking in the sight of them innocently catching up was when she lost it.

    You see, she wasn’t normally a very jealous person; but the pure self loathing she had felt towards her own body that day, and then seeing how flawless Tiera’s was and how friendly her and Matty were especially compared to the distance they kept on the way to George’s, was just too much. She let go of Matty’s long, thin arm, pushing it away as hard as she could, and wriggled out of his grasp as if he was some sort of rat who was going to give her the Bubonic plague. Shocked, he looked back at her - his arrestingly ravishing girlfriend, the apple of his eye (dare I say - I do apologize for the cheesiness), her Y/H/C hair and black dress swaying in sync as she bolted towards his best friend’s restroom. What the fuck? He thought, his mouth agape just as it had been the first time he laid eyes on her. Except, rather than admiration, he stared in confusion. 

    Remember when I said that their bathroom was Y/N’s favourite place to cry? Well, I wasn’t lying. She found George’s to have the same pleasant, calming atmosphere that screamed “I AM HERE FOR YOU”, just as Matty wanted to earlier - unbeknownst to her.

    She locked the door behind her as fast as she could, finding the light to be already on. She paced towards the mirror, recoiling in shock - she didn’t remember being that hideous at home. Maybe that’s because she hadn’t yet seen Tiera or any of the beautiful faces and bodies that peppered the gathering.

    After inspecting her face and looking as hard as she could, she managed to scavenge every single little ‘flaw’ in existence. She rushed to smash the lightswitch back off with every ounce of rage in her body, hurting her delicate palms in the process, which made the tears she didn’t even realize were there spill out even harder. Great, now she hurt physically and mentally. 

She slumped in the corner beside the sink, but not before pulling a fluffy green bathmat underneath her for a little bit of cushioning. Last time she cried in George’s bathroom, she split her palm open and thus felt as though she had every right to bawl her eyes out, considering the depth of the cut and her shockingly low pain tolerance - her and Matty were on the cold marble tile, hugging in intervals before her bandage was soaked through and needed to be replaced again--

    Oh dear. Matty. Thinking of him again made her sobs grow in volume and frequency, and she could’ve sworn that by now she looked like some sort of raccoon. And although she trusted him with her heart and soul and deep down knew he would never, she couldn’t help but think that he was probably making out with some thotty little twerp. She put her head in her hands, numerous thoughts flooding her mind as she cried and cried. The room was spinning. Just like out in the main room. It was spinning, it was blurry, she was hyperventilating, and although she knew she would have to leave the bathroom and face Matty eventually, she continued to hide, sulking in solitude. 

    Suddenly, knocks boomed throughout the echoey room, and Y/N hoarsely got out a small confirmation that the room was in use.

    “Y/N, we know it’s in use,” a gentle yet profoundly low voice replied. The voice was familiar - because, well, it belonged to the owner of the bathroom. “Could you come out, please? We’re worried sick.”

    She cried harder. She hated being a burden - that’s why she came here - but she’d made it ten times worse. Like always. “W-who’s w-we?”

    “Matty and me. Adam and Ross would be too, but we don’t know what they’ve gotten into.”

    “I’m not coming out.”

    “Please?”

    Y/N dragged her quivering body to the door and unlocked it, guilt and shame apparent on her features as she faced the two men in front of her. Matty scooped her up, tears in his eyes, holding her as close as he possibly could. He thanked George for having him over and bid his goodbyes before making his way to their shared car and buckling her into the passenger’s seat. He’d had an amaretto or two and knew he probably shouldn’t have been driving, but whatever; he could pay for whatever fine they gave him. Y/N was worth a DUI and a ticket.

    “What happened out there, love?” Matty inquired, sad brown gaze trying to read into her Y/E/C one.

    She shook her head, face and hair still caked with the salty liquid that wouldn’t dare stop seeping out of her eyes.

    He pursed his soft lips, before moving his hand too caress her wet cheek. “You have to tell me so I can help you, babe. I love you. How about we talk about it in bed?” He didn’t mean it sexually, at least not right now.

    She nodded. That was really all he needed, leaning in to place a heartfelt kiss on her lips, grinning as he saw a small smile form. He offered his hand, and she took it, and they stayed like that for the rest of their journey home.

    As soon as they got back, Matty made sure to tend to her every need - he tied her hair back, removed her rodent-like mess of makeup, and helped her get into more comfortable attire (his shirt, which secretly made him swoon). He frowned upon her refusal of chicken noodle soup - her favourite, especially when he made it. He carried her to their bed and decided to take charge and be the big spoon this time. “Alright, love. What’s up?”

    She bit the inside of her cheek anxiously. She’d stopped crying, however she was still on the verge of tears. “I think I had a panic attack in George’s bathroom. But that’s not th-the point. This week has been terrible. I’ve been getting a ton of hate, you’ve had interviews, which is good and all, but… bad timing, I guess? Ah, I don’t know. And you know that… that lunch that you made for us? It was good, really good, but, I was pretty bloated after that which never fails to get me down! And then we had to go to that party, and I felt ugly and disgusting, and it just… wouldn’t stop. At the party, I felt even worse. Sick. And everyone there was gorgeous, especially… what’s her name? Tia? Tyra? Tiera. Yes. And I thought you liked her because I’m a mess. And…” she paused, a tear falling down her cheek. “I think that’s it?”

    It hurt Matty’s heart to hear her pour hers out to him in such a melancholy way. He’d known of her insecurities -- it’s why she was usually quite hesitant about any intimacy whatsoever, even a simple hug -- and every single one of his attempts to comfort her, restore her self esteem, assure her she was the most gorgeous girl he’d ever laid eyes on (hence why they were dating). He sighed, pulling her into a warm embrace. “You’re breathtaking. Don’t ever think otherwise. And by the way,” he began, pausing as she cocked her head to the side. “I’ve got worry about her more than you do. She told me you were quite fit before you ran off.” They shared warm laughs, before Y/N looked into his eyes once again.

    “I love you, rockstar.”

    “I love you too.”

    And with that, both my hands and the star-crossed lovers got some rest. Writing six pages is not easy on the wrist.

[lihikainanea]

Omg can we get something about Tiger going down on bff!Bill for the first time?

BEHOLD, MY EVEREST.

BB, I am so sorry. You sent me this ask like, months ago. And I have agonized over it ever since. For entirely selfish reasons, because BJs are SUCH A STRONG KINK of mine because let’s face it, I can actively fight a man of Bill’s size and literally make him whimper and cry by sheer force alone, but making a dude whimper and cry by picking him apart so slowly and deliciously until he’s exploding in pleasure? Fam, to me, that’s where the real power is. 

UNFFFFF. I can only hope it was worth the wait.

***

He finally looked peaceful, he looked better. The skeletal form that had come through your door two weeks ago was (for the most part) gone, the healthier, rosy-cheeked, happy go lucky young man you were used to was back. It had taken awhile this round; nightmares plagued his nights and he remained withdrawn during the day. He hadn’t spoken much since he had been home, not nearly as much as you were used to, and you found yourself reaching out to him, using touch to ground him, to bring him back to you. Every day was a little better, but every night seemed to set him back a few steps all over again. His sleep schedule was still messed up, he would nod off in the middle of the afternoon for a few hours and still wasn’t able to venture out of the house for too long. It was part exhaustion from a long shoot, part jet lag from a few different locations, and part emotional healing. You had learned quickly that Bill’s default when faced with stress or distress, or any kind of upset to his normal rhythm—was sleep. When he was nervous, when he was anxious, when he was depressed or riddled with anxiety, his body shut down and his subconscious took over and he was dead to the world. This character had messed with his head, delving into the psyche had affected his own. He had admitted as much to you on a few late night FaceTime calls, the wee hours of the morning your time and the middle of the afternoon his time had been the only slot that had worked for your schedules and you happily obliged. The conversations never delved much past that, with him nearly falling asleep in front of his screen every single time.

But he was home now, and he was looking better. His frame had filled back out some, not quite to his normal, but closer than it had been. His sleep pattern was still messed up, which meant that at barely 6PM he had drawn the blackout blinds in your room, taking his shirt off and falling into your bed. You let him sleep as you got dinner ready, but a few hours later you went to wake him up knowing he’d have a hard time sleeping the night through if you let him go longer.

You watched him from the doorway for a few seconds, admiring his peacefulness. He was stretched on his back, one long arm extended beside him so that he took up nearly the whole bed. A pillow lay in the crook of his elbow, his other arm wrapping around his frame to rest his hand on it. You smiled—usually, that’s where you would be. Making your way into the room you gingerly climbed onto the bed, keeping your movements slow. Perching with your knees on either side of him, you leaned and pressed a gentle kiss on his bare stomach, just above his navel. He stirred slightly, but remained asleep. Smiling, you licked your lips and did it again, right below his navel this time. Another one, right beside that one. When he started to move a bit more,  you licked from the band of his lounge pants up to his navel, dipping your tongue in. His eyes blinked open slowly, a slight groan leaving his lips, as he peered down at you.

“Hi,” you smiled up at him, and he didn’t miss the mischief in it. He shifted, closing his eyes briefly as he inhaled and then settling them back on you.

“Hey kid,” and he reached a hand down, cupping your face and running his thumb along your lips softly, “What’s up?”

“You won’t sleep tonight if you keep napping,” you hooked your hands into his pants and boxers, tugging them down, “Thought I’d wake you up for dinner.”

He smiled down at you, your favourite lopsided grin, and ran a hand through your hair. He lifted his hips, letting you slide his bottoms down his legs and off.

“Mission accomplished,” he murmured, and you grinned mischievously.

“Not quite yet,” leaning forward, you scraped your nails lightly on his thighs as you nipped playfully at his hip bone. He sucked in a sharp breath, settling down further into the mattress as his eyes closed. You licked your lips and pressed a kiss after your bite, moving across and sucking a small patch of skin on his lower stomach into your mouth. 

He groaned, pushing his head back further into the pillows as his fist gripped your hair. You slid your mouth further along, placing a suckling kiss on the soft patch of skin a few inches below his belly button.

“You used to be…” you murmured, and you felt a shudder run through him as you pressed another kiss to him, “A little soft, right here.”

You nipped for emphasis, and he groaned. You licked over the same spot before moving your lips to the next one.

“Now you’re too skinny,” you said, your breath tickling him. You looked up at him, his eyes closed and his deep breaths coming out more rapidly. You made your way across to his other hip, placing slow kisses as you moved, licking every so often. His hips jutted forward and he groaned as you sucked a mark right next to his V-line and low on his belly, his hand easing its grip in your hair to stroke your cheek instead.

“No teasing tiger, please,” he whispered, and there was a needy desperation to it, “I can’t take it. Not now.”  He writhed a little, settling his back further into the blankets as he drew his lip between his teeth.

“I won’t tease you bud, I promise,” you followed his happy trail, pressing your warm lips to every inch of it, making your way down, “I just can’t wait until you get some meat back on your bones.”

You kissed your way to the small patch of hair low beneath his navel, licking your way back up as he arched and gasped. Placing your hands on his hips, you steadied him back on the mattress.

“Tiger, please kid…” he started to beg, but you shushed him gently.

“You always take such good care of me, Bill,” you whispered, and you ran your nose lightly along his shaft. His fists dug into the sheets, his jaw clenching as he twitched.

“I’ll do the same for you,” you murmured. You gathered your hair in a bun, untangling his fist from the sheet and enclosing it around your hair. Once he had a good enough grip on it you brought your face down, licking a long, slow stroke up his shaft. He groaned from deep in his chest, his abs flexing as he tried to keep his hips on the mattress.

You did it again, taking your time to enjoy the way the veins throbbed beneath your tongue. You languidly licked over his head, flicking your tongue at the tip as he gasped.

“Oh my god,” he moaned, “The mouth on you, kid.”

You smiled, kissing his tip before wrapping your lips around it, sucking it into your mouth. He moaned again, his hips adjusting on the mattress as his hand tightened in your hair. He reached for your hand with his other one, looking for something to hang on to that wouldn’t hurt you, and you happily intertwined your fingers with his. You sucked at his tip, hollowing your cheeks and swirling your tongue over it as he gasped.

“Tiger…” he said breathlessly, and you hummed. The vibrations sent a jolt through him, and he surged forward. Trying to stop the smile from taking over your lips, you took a deep breath through your nose, closing your fist around his base you sank your mouth down onto him, taking him as far as you could go.

“Fuck,” he cursed loudly, writhing under your mouth. You held him there for a second, swirling your tongue along the underside of him as you relaxed your throat. Squeezing his base, he let go a feral groan as you waited a second before taking more of him in your mouth. He cussed again, even louder this time, when he hit the back of your throat.

With your lips wrapped tightly around his shaft, you dragged your tongue along him as you pulled your mouth back up, sucking at his tip again. You pumped your fist around him, and he gave you the slightest nudge with the hand wound in your hair, pushing you forward ever so gently.

“Again kid, please,” he begged, “All of it, please…”

And you obliged him, taking all of him slowly into your mouth and swallowing around him when he hit the back of your throat. He cussed as you dragged your mouth back up, only to sink it all the way back down again. His abs constricted, his chest hollowing out with each breath as you rubbed your tongue along him. You groaned when he was in your throat, your muscles constricting around him and he whimpered. Bringing your mouth back to his tip, you sucked at it and swirled your tongue while he was fit snugly in your mouth, rubbing it along the underside before sinking your lips back around him and swallowing him again.

“Tiger,” he pleaded, and you noted the way his abs were constricting more rhythmically. He frantically let go of your hand, tapping at your shoulder as you kept his hips pushed down to the bed.

“Tiger I’m gonna….oh my god,” his eyes crossed and he bit into his own hand as you sucked harshly at his tip, moaning around it as his hips jutted forth under your hands. “Where should I….”

Your only response was to grip his base firmly again, sinking your mouth down to where your hand was wrapped around him.

“Fuck,” and it was a shout from deep in his throat, “God kid, are you su—“

But you didn’t give him the chance to finish his sentence, working your mouth up and down him with more pressure, your hand pumping whatever you couldn’t fit down your throat. He groaned loudly, clutching at your hair in his fist, his other hand reaching back for yours. It was when you shoved him to the back of your throat and gagged around him, your nails digging into his thighs as you moaned, that he finally lost control. With a drawn out groan he squeezed your hand, his entire upper body bowing off the bed as he held your head to him, every muscle in him tense and clenched as he released down your throat. He stilled, gasping at the tail end of it as he spasmed, his jaw slack and his eyes closed.

You swallowed around him and he moaned again when he realized, releasing his vice grip on your hair as soon as his muscles stopped constricting. Collapsing back on the bed with a heave, he held on loosely to one of your hands as he kept his eyes closed, trying to catch his breath. You dragged your mouth off of him, swiping at your lips with the back of your hand as you moved to place a gentle kiss on his stomach. Making your way up his chest, you trailed kisses until you got to his chin.

“You okay, bud?” You asked. You brought your intertwined hands up by his head, resting your weight on it as you traced his brow with your other one. His eyes were still closed, his chest deflating with heavy breaths.

“I’ll get you some water,” he mumbled, but he didn’t look capable of moving just yet. His face, still lax with pleasure, held the faintest of smiles. You placed a gentle kiss between his eyebrows.

“How about I get you some water, bud?” You asked. He nodded, the faint smile growing bigger though his eyes stayed closed.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

But when you went to move off of him, he pulled you back by the hand that was still in his.

“Not yet, though,” he murmured, as he shifted to lay you out underneath him. When you were on your back with him hovering over you, he finally opened his eyes and stared into yours.

“The mouth on you, kid,” he mumbled, as he traced his thumb along your lips, “You could kill a man with this mouth.”

He leaned, kissing you gently as you ran a hand through his hair. You pulled him to you, tucking his face in your neck and wrapping your legs around him so he’d rest his full weight on you. He sighed, inhaling deeply after and humming in content. But you frowned, you could still feel his hip bones digging in to you and his weight on you now paled in comparison to the usual way it would crush you into the mattress. You longed for that, again.

“You’re still a bag of bones,” you muttered miserably, and you felt his smile on your neck, “You don’t get anymore lovin’ until you thicken the fuck up.”

He brought his face to yours, smirking as he kissed you with a loud, wet smack of his lips on yours.

“Then make me, short stack.”

[eth-ical]

I rarely ever post on here anymore. I’ve become far too consumed with other apps and I feel like the people who made tumblr what it was for me a few years ago are no longer there. But I still can’t bring myself to delete my account. 

I remember seeing posts on here when I was in middle school about people struggling with depression and anxiety and being medicated or being against medication or whatever it may be they thought, and I never really thought it was a good thing because I mostly saw the negative effects of these things. I don’t know what I really thought depression felt like or what it was like to deal with it. I had my beliefs about it in my head, and how I presumed it to be and that was that. I ended up going to university and first year went well, I started birth control and didn’t really notice any changes but my periods were still really inconsistent so I went on a different birth control pill at the start of second year and then I started to notice really wild mood swings and I felt a lack of interest in what I was doing. By the end of second year, I had started a different birth control which was helping, and then all of a sudden I wanted to die. I wanted to stop existing, and I didn’t want to deal with anything. I felt like the only solution so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything that was bothering me, was to stop existing. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to be alive. I had started skipping classes all the time, I was stressed about missing material and late assignments and I wasn’t sleeping. I would be up with pains in my chest because I was too anxious to sleep. I had a fight with my sister at our office, and I told her I didn’t care if I got fired because I just wanted to die anyway, which is what made my family realize I needed them there. There was one night I was on the phone with my dad and he asked me how I was and I started crying and said “Not good, Dad. I’m sorry but I’m really not good.” I never talked to my dad about that stuff, so I completely caught him off guard and made him worried. I got myself together for the rest of the phonecall and then as soon as he hung up, I started crying again. I cried all night from 7 until 1 in the morning when I finally called my sister and apologized profusely and said “I hate what I’m doing, I’m not supposed to be here. I hate this so much.” She convinced me to get through the next few weeks and finish exams and just get home and figure out what I was going to do after I made it through the year. In amongst this time, a guy I had previously slept with arrived at my dorm, and cheated on his girlfriend with me. I felt beyond guilty about kissing him, let alone when he tried to make me have sex with him. This made my mental state much worse, but I managed to get through it and pass my exams and courses. 

I ended up taking a year off school. I worked full time, paid back what I owed to my university so I could either transfer to another school or return to that one and take courses again. That had its ups and downs, but I managed to get things in order to return in September doing online courses and a night class on campus once a week and worked 20 hours a week at my job. I began the semester enrolled in 5 courses, and I am now in 2 and finished my exams for both of them and feel fairly confident in them. In September, I had the exact same feelings that I had when I ended up taking a year off. I went to my doctor, as I had after I took a year off and he ended up prescribing me SSRI’s. I had a wonderful summer, and then out of nowhere when school started, I was miserable. I hated doing things and I skipped classes and I got behind in a lot of courses to the point where I just dropped them because I didn’t stay ahead of them and I had no idea what was going on. I have been on my medication for about a month and a half. I have no regrets. I don’t think there should be a stigma about being medicated. I have some bad days where I don’t feel like doing things and I am a little out of it, but I feel so much better. I have so much more joy in my life again. Since starting them, I’ve realized so many other people are too. I’ve gotten some negative remarks about it, but I think people need to be more open with their mental health. I know that it feels like sometimes it’s a burden to ask for help or to talk to someone but it isn’t. You need to get help sometimes and sometimes nothing else works besides being medicated. I tried for so long to get better and be happy again, and I wish that I had’ve started these sooner so I didn’t potentially miss an entire year of school and I could be graduating in May this year instead of two more years. 

If more people make their mental health stories more open, those who have negative connotations about them will realize they aren’t as uncommon as they think. I had no idea the amount of people in my life who were medicated and just afraid to talk about it. There is no shame in it. There is no reason to hide from it. I told so many people I was taking them, because I wanted them to know that sometimes I’m not okay, and sometimes I bail on plans and dates because I can’t get out of my bed. I didn’t think I needed them, because the idea I had in my head of someone who had depression and was medicated wasn’t my situation and scenario, but it has literally been the best decision for me. What I am asking here, is to open yourself up to that vulnerability and seek that option. It is such a life-changer, and to see life through eyes where you can actually see colours and happiness again is so much better than seeing a grey foggy day every single day with no joy. When I look back to second year, it is a grey blur of despair and anxiety and I am so thankful I don’t see anything else like that now. 

Please ask someone for help if you need it, don’t be afraid to say you’re not okay. Don’t be afraid to do what is best for you and get out of that dark room. It’s okay to not be okay, and there are always people there to help you. 

I know it’s oversaid, but if anyone needs someone please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you feel like you have no one else. My instagram is @sarajveno. Follow me and message me on there if you need to talk. I understand the struggle. 

[the-based-brit]

I don't believe that you had the life of reilly. Tell us about your abuse, your feelings are valid

*WARNING! LONG AND VERY DEPRESSING POST INCOMING!*

My biological mother smoked and drank while she was pregnant with me, and I was born with two very severe and debilitating disabilities because of her - Dyspraxia and physical difficulties. The former significantly affects my ability to communicate, makes my brain to slow to process information, and it’s a lot like autism in that it makes me struggle to understand certain social cues and hold a conversation with other people etc.. My short-term memory is...well, very short. I forget things. I can remember stuff that happened years ago, but sometimes I forget whatever it was I did five minutes ago. My brain is broken.

The latter affects my motor skills. My hands are not very strong, and I don’t have a very good grip. Sometimes, I struggle to do things that require a strong pair of hands, such as opening a jar, and I have to get my dad and my stepmother to do it for me. I also can’t bend my right thumb properly, and my handwriting is very childlike and scruffy because I have difficulty holding a pen or pencil properly and it takes a while for me to write things down by hand. I’m much better with a laptop or smart device than a pen and paper. And I’m a writer. Or at least I hope to be some day. My right foot also flicks out and my left foot is actually stronger even though I’m right-handed.

My biological mother never bothered to quit drinking or smoking while she was pregnant with me because she was a selfish bitch with a heart made of stone. Instead of nurturing me and raising me right like she was supposed to, she emotionally abused and neglected me for many years. My dad divorced her when I was three years old because she was horrible to him, and more importantly, to me. He left her for my stepmother and never looked back.

When I got a few years older, she told me he cheated on her with my stepmother, but that was a big fat LIE. Nothing could be further from the truth. My dad was never a cheater and never even thought about having an affair. My so-called “mother” was just butthurt because he left her and thus, could no longer control him.

But she still had me, her boy, who was only three years old and, being so young and impressionable, I was easy to manipulate. So she used me to get back at them. The so-called “affair” was not the only lie she told me. She raised me to believe that my dad and stepmother were the ones who were abusing me and they were trying to take me away from her. I suppose that wasn’t a complete lie because my dad and stepmother did fight for custody over me, but that was only because they wanted to save me from my abuser.

But I was just a kid. I was young and dumb and naive and because she was my mother, I believed her. And every Monday afternoon (I lived with my dad and stepmother during the week and my biological mother had me every weekend), I came home from school, with an attitude problem because she told me horrible things about them. And I accused them of those horrible things and needless to say, they got SUPER angry with me and they would defend themselves, and afterwards, I’d feel bad for what I said, I would cry and I would apologise to them profusely.

And I would be left feeling confused, upset, angry and very stressed out. Until the end of the week, I would come home to her and I would tell her what they told me and she would lie to me again. And again. And again. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield. In fact, that pretty much sums up my life at home when I was a kid. Now it’s a lot more peaceful, but the damages that were done to me still never fully healed even to this day.

This happened every single fucking week because of her, and it took a massive toll on me. I was very stressed out, exhausted, frightened, traumatised, confused, anxious and depressed and it literally made me feel physically ill, as well as mentally. I could barely eat or sleep. I would often run to the toilet and throw up in it after eating even just a little bit of food because I was so stressed and anxious, I could not hold it down. And because of that I’m very skinny and underweight and even now, I still have problems eating, though I’ve gotten a bit better at it since then. I also suffered terribly from insomnia and that made sleeping just as difficult.

And this made it hard for me to do well in school. Because of all the shit that was going on at home, and because of my disabilities, I struggled to keep up with the other students. I could barely concentrate, I almost always needed help and I could barely get any work done. My grades are mediocre, at best and nobody could understand why and no one cared to. My parents and teachers just nagged me to work harder, and my special helpers in school insisted on doing more or less all my work for me.

Homework was a bitch, too. It took me, like, three hours at the LEAST to get it done because of my problems. To be fair, I was a pretty lazy kid who deliberately put it off because I didn’t wanna do it and I was young and stupid enough to think it would eventually make me not have to. I HATED my maths homework the most. In fact, maths was basically my WORST subject and I preferred English and IT and History, which I was better at. Science and Religious Education were also pretty cool imo. But I digress.

My learning disorder wasn’t the only thing that broke my brain. My biological mother emotionally manipulated me for years, and that broke me even more. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was a mess. So many attacks on my mind. My body was left in pretty bad shape, too.

And I think the worst part about all of it was that there was basically jack shit I could do about it. I couldn’t defend myself physically because I was too young, too small and too weak. I couldn’t defend myself verbally because I was far too tired, too over-emotional, too terrible at verbal communication and couldn’t articulate myself well enough. And I was too emotionally abused and bullied, both at home AND at school to even TALK about it. That’s the thing about abusers, they don’t want their victims talking to anyone about their abuse.

And on the rare occassions I did talk about it, no one gave two shits and a fuck. Most people didn’t know about it. Some did, but most of them didn’t give a damn, at least not enough to do anything about it, like get me some help or get me away from my abuser. Because I grew up in a shithole of a town, where there are some good people but there’s a lot more BAD people.

Plus, my abuser was a woman and I’m male. And no one gives two shits about male abuse survivors like myself. I was often told to “man up”, “grow up” and “stop being a pussy” just for trying to open up about my feelings instead of bottling them up inside.

She was a feminist, too, my abuser. I had a biological half-sister who was nine years younger than me and she was treated like a princess while I was treated like dogshit. She never admitted to being one of those crazy man-hating feminist types, not in front of me, but looking back, I realised her actions spoke louder than her words. She was in part the reason I stopped calling myself a feminist years ago.

My dad and stepmother were fairly well-off. Not rich, but not broke, either. Definitely not. I come from a family of teachers. My dad was a teacher, my stepmother is, or was a teacher, and so is my older brother. I could have been a teacher myself if I wasn’t born disabled and abused and neglected for so many years. My dad works in a school full of kids with learning difficulties similar to mine, and he gets paid a lot of money to teach them. And they’re very materialistic and money-oriented people who vote for the UK Labour Party every year, but only because they tax you less. And they think they’re such good parents because they have money and they can buy me nice things, but in my experience, you need more than just money to be a good parent. You have to support your children physically, emotionally and mentally as well.

As George Carlin once said: 

It’s good that they had more than enough money to put food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head...plus entertainment and any luxury item I wanted, but if they had just provided me with equal amounts of love and emotional support, if not more than equal, I would have been mostly ok. But I’m not. I’m broken. I’m aloof. I’m mentally scarred. I’m traumatised. I’m anxious and depressed. I’m very mentally ill, tired and damaged beyond repair.

Because truth be told, they weren’t much better than my so-called mother. Especially my stepmother. I guess she was not as manipulative, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She would often yell at me over little things, and bully me constantly. Just like my abuser, and the other kids at school who harassed me every. single. schoolday. She was horrible to me. Far as I’m concerned, they are both as bad as each other. She’s calmed down quite a bit and she’s not so abrasive anymore, but she still has her moments, and the damage she’s done to me, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, had a permanent effect.

I never had a REAL mother. The kind who nurtures her children and loves them unconditionally. My family hates my guts because they think I’m a spoiled, entitled little brat and a very spiteful, vindictive, hateful little shit (I was a very angry kid. And for good reason) who always cries and complains when he doesn’t get his own way. I never had any real friends, either. I hardly ever speak to anyone in real life because I’ve tried so many times and it seldom ended well. That, and I’m crippled by a horrible social anxiety, which is not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still there.

I’ve never had a girlfriend, either. Or a boyfriend. I’m a virgin, and a loner. Fuck my life.

[mattatouile]

re: my post yesterday. i’m going to share a story of when ‘the american dream’ becomes reality and how much ‘pulling up by my bootstraps’ can be some real ass bullshit. this is a story about having to be treated for ptsd because of a ‘white collar’ job. also, why my post last night was so dramatic and not just tired but sad because yesterday was triggering for me. 

sidebar: i truly doubt anyone will read this novel, but maybe someone will and maybe someone needs to read that it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed. i told myself repeatedly i was too weak, too dumb, too lazy to be successful and it just wasn’t true. 

so, i’m from an extremely small town in a very rural area of a gulf coast state. while my parents are now very comfortable, when i was 4 my dad lost his job and with five kids at home and a mortgage and a shit economy, my parents had to file for bankruptcy and move in with my grandparents until my dad could get a job. so all 7 of us were in two small bedrooms. oh right and my younger sister had to be re-hospitalized at a few weeks old for failure to thrive because she was allergic to literally every single kind of milk we tried until we landed on corn milk. that was fun for my parents, too.

anyway, i didn’t come from a super posh background and my parents worked extremely hard to provide for us. 

i went to a very small university. i was the first in my family to go to university. my senior year, i applied to a Very Large Corporation that was Very Important to the industry i was going into. i got the job. 1600 miles away from where i grew up. boy, did people flip the fuck out for me. how did i do it? idk guys. i applied, i had great grades, i had years of applicable experience because i worked during school, and i was going to graduate with the requisite hours to sit for professional examination. 

so off i went. living the american dream. i pulled myself up by my bootstraps!!! just like you’re supposed to. 

it was fucking awful. it was a terrible, dehumanizing job where we were expected to work sixteen hour days consistently, on extremely tight deadlines, where everything was the end of the world. i was alone in this very far off city.

i had always struggled with depression and anxiety, or since i was fifteen at least. but i went through it. and then they ‘chose not to continue’ with my employment after i spent three months begging to be transferred to an office close to home. i had never in my life been anything other than The Model Employee. it shattered my confidence. it shattered my sense of self. it shattered my life self-worth. and every single supervisor i worked with was shocked. because people are never let go without something really really bad happening. i hadn’t failed in any notable way and so people were shocked. cool. i still have no idea what i did that was so bad, other than reporting sexual harassment and then begging for a transfer. or right. i forgot the sexual harassment by a client. but you’re not supposed to talk about that. especially not an important client.

so i moved back to the gulf coast and took the same job at a medium sized company, thinking maybe it was just the soulless corporation that was the problem. only instead, this time i still worked 16 hour days regularly, i didn’t take more than a singular day off at a time for four years. when i finally took a vacation, i hadn’t even landed before my boss had texted me four times with things i needed to do. but i had left my work computer at home. this was...an issue between the two of us. 

after four years of crying more days than not. of coming home and living with someone that was constantly concerned for me. after four years of thinking ‘if i actually have a meltdown where i finally break i could be hospitalized for a while and my bosses couldn’t even get to me.’ and while i logically knew hospitalization is not a vacation (my sister has been hospitalized, i know how sick people are), it still felt like it couldn’t be worse than what i was going through, because i was so cripplingly depressed and stressed and anxious that i couldn’t even think. 

finally, i got into therapy. it took two sessions before i laid out everything that had happened in the past five years. i confessed it all. just puked it everywhere. every gross feeling. every feeling of failure. every time i had slept four hours and started working because i had so much to do. not reporting billable hours because we were expected to work but not admit it. shitty health insurance. no overtime no matter how much you worked. fair-to-middlin’ pay. all of it. 

my therapist said, ‘you have ptsd. all of these symptoms and reactions you’re talking about, that’s ptsd.’ i laughed at him. i hadn’t been in a war zone. i hadn’t been physically abused. how could i have ptsd?

but i let my therapist treat me for ptsd. he all but begged me to please find another job. not the same job at a different company, but literally anything else. i did, eventually, where i worked better hours with much better health insurance and benefits. but more importantly, it was a positive environment where not every bit of feedback was about how you were fucking up and not doing enough.

several weeks after i finally left my other company, i had lunch with a former coworker that i’d always gotten along with. he finally just said, ‘i have no idea why they were targeting you, but your manager and her direct report were targeting you. we could all tell.’ 

i had never felt so validated in my life. i wasn’t imagining things. i wasn’t blowing them out of proportion. i was targeted for particular institutional abuse and everyone knew it and no one helped. because so many other people existed in this abusive work environment to the point that we all just thought it was normal at this point. abuse becomes normalized because you’re told how lucky you are to have such a respectable job.

the company i worked for shut down and i had to find another job. this one is awesome so far. awesome. but we had some software issues, so yesterday i had to work a sixteen hour day. and i was so triggered and didn’t realize it until this morning. at the end of this long day, i cried and felt defeated. even though my bosses knew it would just be this one or two days that was so overwhelming. 

institutional ptsd is real and you can be triggered even when things are going well.

[mintyobscurity]

Babes~

Hi hello it me. I just wanted to say a few things... there’s been a lot of stuff happening in my personal life that’s left me drained emotionally and physically. Some days it’s hard and I wanna give up and other days I’m as happy as a napping cat; content. I’ve been stressed out to the max, my anxiety has never been worse, and this is all triggering my depression which makes everything 10x worse. I’ve had lack of motivation for everything: for going outside (literally haven’t left the house in 2 1/2 weeks help I need toiletries) I have had 0 inspiration to art and as an artist, that’s such an awful feeling. I can’t write, draw, paint - I’m struggling. I have 0 energy for simple tasks and I’m in pain a lot so I hardly get out of bed. With having 0 energy, I can’t even have a decent cry. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t life basically and it’s so damn frustrating. Life has been kicking me while I’m down so often that it’s harder to get back up each time. I feel so alone and scared, worried and anxious, ugly and fat... Now saying that, I also don’t have any friends out of the internet. Not one person I can turn to.

But I am so lucky because I have all my online friends. I know it’s not the same as someone in real life but so many of you have done things none of my past “friends” would even dream of doing. I have so many of you, you all make me feel loved and important in your own ways and if it weren’t for you guys... I wouldn’t be here. You’re all angels and I love every single one of you. I cannot put my gratitude into words, nor my feelings and I’m a “writer”. This journey would be so much worse without you. I am so lucky to know all of you, even if I’ve never met any of you, maybe one day I can meet some of you. If I didn’t have tumblr, I wouldn’t have met any of you beautiful angels! You’ve all done so much for me while I’ve been dealing with so much, and if I could ever repay you I feel like it wouldn’t be enough. You’re so important to me, all of you are, making me feel uplifted and cared for. Thank you, so damn much. You mean so much to me as well and if you ever need me, you know where to find me. If not here, then there’s Twitter, KKT, IG, Snapchat (I don’t have FB though). I’m so lucky to have each and every one of you as a friend 🖤 you make my troubles disappear, even if for a short while. I cannot say thank you enough. I love you all 🌹💋

@joohoneyicetea @jeonghanniee @serenzippity @broccoli-channie-soup @baekhyunbitz @kihoseok @minhyukstealer @wonseoks @dirtyretrowrites @hyuunwoo @binnie-binnie-bambam @dejoovu @kixkyun @chvngkyum @stellarkyun @dontjudgemebymykpoptrash @shownu4l @collateralyouandi @myleejooheon @daeribaek and Mattie🍇 and to all the anons who’ve sent me sweet messages. Thank you♥️

[fxkthatdairy]

I like me better~ MrBeast

Request: A request for you! The reader has really severe anxiety and prefers not to speak in public, she(or he no judgement here) does not speak in public and Jimmy is trying to help her out. AND THEY FALL IN LOAF

I love this idea. I generally suffer from public anxiety and find it extremely hard to speak in public but online I am completely fine. I hope you enjoy and let me know if you like this imagine. If you guys have an requests let me know :)

Ever since you were little you have always struggled with speaking in public or making new friends. You had a fear of rejection and that people would not like you because well you were you. When your family decided that you would be moving to North Carolina from your hometown during your senior year of high school, you were absolutely terrified. Not only were you moving to a new city/state but you would have to meet new people and “interact” with them. Your nerves ate you up as you were standing in front of your mirror on your first day at your new school. Your mom decided to put you in a private school so that people would hopefully be nicer as she understood you fear of rejection and people in general. You grabbed your stuff and keys and headed out the door to your car.  You drove to school dread idly as you hoped someone would start a traffic jam so that you could tell your mom that you were unable to go to school but unfortunately that did not happen. You arrived to the school and were given a quick tour before you were sent to your first period. When the time came for lunch, you found a empty table in the corner and decided to sit there and do nothing because you knew you were not going to eat the gross cafeteria food. You kept reminding yourself that you only had a few more months of this school and then you would be able to be done with this school. You were sitting silently when two guys and a girl walked up to you, one was a tall man with dirty blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes and another guy with darker brown hair and the girl had brown/blondish hair and was very pretty. The people sat down at the table, the guy with the gorgeous blue eyes spoke to you.

“Hey, we saw you sitting alone and nobody needs to sit alone. I’m Jimmy and that’s Chris and his girlfriend Katie. Do you mind if we sit here?” he said. You gave a wave to everyone as the nerves in you were starting to build up.

“My name is (y/n). I’m new and sure yo-yo-you can sit here.” You said stuttering a little bit. You apologized and you could feel the embarrassment rise to your face. 

“No need to apologize. There is no reason to. We won’t judge, especially me. Sometimes I stutter on my words too. “ Jimmy said. On that day, a friendship bonded between you, Jimmy, Chris and Katie. It was the happiest you had been in a while. You had finally found friends that accepted you and helped you cope with your fears and depression. The friendship that was created has lasted for almost four years as you guys were now adults and still all hanged out. You have supported Jimmy with his YouTube Channel and now he is a big youtuber with over 16 million subscribers. The best thing is that the fame of his channel never got to his head. He was still the adorable, loving, tall boy who walked up to you in the cafeteria so that you were not alone. Over three years now your feeling for Jimmy have grown stronger and stronger. He was absolutely perfect to you, he was charming, generous, kind, respectful, humorous,supportive, and all out a literally angel in your life. When he is around all your anxiety and fears disappear and you feel extremely confident, you still had your moments where you get nervous and hide away but with Jimmy’s help you had become so much better. Chris and Katie got married almost a year ago and it was so beautiful to see two of your best friends get married. You cried so much and Jimmy took some pictures of you crying and sometimes teases you about it and you hit him every single time. You were positive you caught him with a tear in his eye even though he doesn’t want to admit it because it would hurt his “masculinity”. You were extremely grateful that they decided to sit with you that day because now you had the bestest friends that you could ask for. Today you were going to help Jimmy film for his video in LA with the Airsoft Battle Royale. You were still extremely nervous because you were going to be meeting so many new people and that kind of played at your nerves. You got up out of hotel bed and began getting dressed. It was pretty muggy in LA, so you decided to wear some black legging and the Battle Royale hoodie with some black rain boots. You put your hair up in a sloppy ponytail, slid your phone into your pocket as well as your wallet and walked towards Jimmy’s room. You knocked on the door and he let you in. You went and laid on his bed while you waited for him to get ready so that you all could start heading to the arena where the battle royale was taking place.

“Hurry up Jimmy, You are slow as molasses.” you groaned loudly and threw a pillow at him.

“I’m sorry that I don’t wake up perfect like you.” He said throwing the pillow back at you. You blushed at the fact that he called you “perfect” and you were so glad that the pillow had landed on your face to cover your blush. He had finished getting ready and now you all were in the Uber heading to the arena. As the nerves started kicking in, your leg started bouncing up and down. Jimmy noticed and grabbed your hand with his and placed it on your knee holding you in place like your own personal anchor. He looked you in the eyes and brushed a few pieces of your stray hairs from your eyes.

“You are going to be fine. They will love you. You have no reason to be nervous. You are perfectly fine how you are and you do not have to worry about what the others think of you.  If anyone is rude, or disrespectful to you, I will personally kick them out which I’m positive that, that won't happen. So take a deep breath and let all the excess worry and fear go. I’m here and I won’t let anything happen to you.” he said genuinely as he rubbed your hand with his thumb. You began taking deep breaths and focus on Jimmy. You felt all your anxiety and stress melt away. You thanked him silently with your eyes and held onto his hand. You wish that you had the courage to ask him to be yours or that he would ask you to be his. Ever since Katie found out that you had a deep crush on Jimmy she had become you guys number one shipper. You just wish it would actually come true, you had major feelings for this man. As you all pulled up and began getting ready, one by one more people kept coming up and introducing themselves to us and with Jimmy by your side you felt barely any nerves and were doing just fine. Everyone ended up being extremely nice and were good, down to earth people. You even began making some friendships with some of them. As the competition began you fluctuated from helping people out of the field to go and helping Jimmy back at the entrance. You felt so much better and were more confident without Jimmy by your side. As you were walking around, making sure everything was okay, you got a text from Chris saying to go to the entrance. You were unaware that the round was over and that you had a surprise waiting for you at the entrance. As you walked to the entrance, you saw a sign that had “Will you be my girlfriend?” splattered by paintballs and you saw Jimmy standing there with a big bouquet of your favorite flowers. Your hand drifted to your mouth which was dropped open in shock. You were pretty sure that you had tears running down your face by now and your heart was beating very fastly. 

“(y/n), I’ve known you for almost four years now and those four years have been the best of my life. You have supported my channel since I was a small youtuber and even now. You are my rock, my anchor, and my ray of sunshine in my life. I am so glad that I decided to sit down with you that day and I am so glad that you moved here and that I got to meet you. You are so beautiful, inside and out, even though you don’t believe it but you are absolutely perfect. I want to be by your side and help you with everything. I want to be there to remind you how beautiful and how much of a blessing you are to me.I have waited three years to gain the balls to do this. So will you please be my girlfriend?” He said as he was looking directly into your eyes. You were completely frozen. You were still trying to process that Jimmy had actually asked you to be his girlfriend. Once you snapped back into reality, you began to nod your head. You walked up to him and hugged him. You didn’t care that you were getting tears on his hoodie. He held you and you could feel his heart beating very rapidly.

“Of course, I’ll be your girlfriend. It took you long enough.” you said smiling brightly and leaned forward and kissed his gently. The crowd that was around you began clapping very loudly in congratulations. You were over the moon and shaking from the extreme emotions that you just went through. Chris ran over to you and handed you the phone. Katie was on face-time and she was smiling so big and had a few stray tears falling down he face.

“I saw the whole thing. I’m so happy right now. It took you guys three years to finally get together.” She said laughing as she wiped her tears with a tissue. You talked for a little bit and promised to call her back later that night and handed Chris back his phone. You were so extremely happy. You guys finished filming the video and then as promised, you and Jimmy swung by the after party to get a couple of photos with some people and then left as you got extremely anxious at parties and he did not like parties very much. You both went back to the hotel room and you ended up staying the night in his room. You changed into some comfortable pajama shorts and and one of Jimmy’s old shirts that he had given you a long time ago.  You climbed into the bed and snuggled into his side. He allowed you to pick a movie and so you picked your favorite movie. He began playing with your hair and kissed you head gently. As he was massaging your scalp, you began getting extremely relaxed which lead you to be extremely sleepy. “I love you so much Jimmy.” you yawned as you began drifting to sleep. “I love you more (y/n).” You heard  him say before you fell asleep.

When you woke up, Jimmy was still asleep and looked like an absolute angel. You grabbed your phone and began scrolling through Instagram. You noticed that Jimmy had tagged you in a collection of photos of you two together from high school to now. You smiled looking back at the memories but smiled even more when you read the caption:

                  I’ve know this girl for almost four years. She has been my biggest supporter. I have had a crush on her since the day I met her and it took me almost four years to get the balls to ask her out. I am so happy that she said yes and now she is my girlfriend. I can’t wait for all the adventures that we are going to go through (y/n). I love you so much, forever and always. Guys please do not leave any hate about her because then you are not a true BeastGangPauler and I will roundhouse kick you in the face because she is absolutely gorgeous.

Your heart was extremely happy at the nice word that Jimmy had posted. You scrolled through the comments and found them filled with congratulations and ships. You were extremely happy that you had Jimmy as your official boyfriend and you put your phone down and re-snuggled back in his chest where he welcomed you with open arms even in his sleep.

[canaryatlaw]

today was...a lot. morning was actually pretty good, my emotions have just kinda been all over the place. I never notice when I’m in a depressive spiral until I hit the bottom and look back like oh yeah, that would make sense why I’ve been sleeping so much and feeling so anxious and stressed about work (and I mean, work is definitely a part of it, which really just means I need to get the position at the DV clinic that much more) and discouraged all the time, along with skipping church for like, a solid month, even going in for the babies one week but not staying for the service because I just didn’t have it in me. I think I need to really reevaluate who and what is important to me and how that actually has an impact on my life and wellbeing. Most of all I need to stop relying on other people for emotional fulfillment, because eventually they will let you down and I can’t keep putting myself through that pain. I’ve been thinking back to when my life wasn’t as crazy like it is now. I’ve tended to look back on that time negatively, at least in the positive moments now. But the truth was that while my life was pretty boring, I wasn’t depressed (save for the summer of 2017, but that was external circumstances that I couldn’t control). I was happy with the life I had and the friends I had, and god do I miss those friends. I’m talking to them in a GC on twitter like right now and I really just miss them. It’s been way too long since I’ve gotten to see them and actually hang out with them. And these are my friends- mine, not friends by association with someone else who I know aren’t at all loyal to me as actual friends and I really don’t trust most of them. Is it nice to have sometime to do on my weekends now? Yeah, it is, but the drawbacks have been beginning to weigh on me, and now I’m not sure that it’s always what’s best for me. I’m not saying I want it all gone, because for the most part I do very much like my life now, but there are definitely some things that need to change, because I can’t keep doing this. And more than anything I think those changes need to come from me, not anyone else. god, I’d kill for a good therapist that I was comfortable with and knew I could trust right now just to talk this all out with. I just need to be better with controlling my emotions and not getting attached to people who aren’t going to be there for me. I need to rely on myself, not other people. so that’s pretty much all the emotions I’ve been processing. I’m still split on whether I should say anything to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment Tuesday. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I should, I’m just so scared of switching meds that might result in a very bad result like it has in the past, and I really don’t trust this new guy yet, so far all he’s done is prescribed the meds I told him I was already own, I don’t have any examples of his judgment on which to base a decision. But I realized today that it’s definitely worse than I thought, so at this point I pretty much feel like I have to, even though that scares me. sigh. okay, I think that’s all my feelings for now, I may come back and add more sentences while writing the rest of the post. but yeah, my day, let’s get to that. I woke up to my alarm at 7:15 and surprisingly managed to get out of bed without that much effort. Got ready, public transit was actually cooperating with my schedule for once and I literally made it inside the sanctuary 20 seconds before the service started, lol, can’t beat that. I had taken a seat next to this guy after asking if it was open, and we started talking a little, just bits and pieces during the service. and y’all, he was SO cute. Kinda preppy, wearing a polo shirt, but it looked classy, not douchey. so throughout the service (which I’ll get to in a minute) I’m like sneaking glances over to him. He just moved to Chicago, and it was his first time at the church, so we talked a bit about that stuff. And like, at this point my brain was setting off serious alarm bells (in a good way, lol) because finding single cute guys at this church is fucking impossible, and I saw my opportunity and knew I had to take it. So once the service was over I was just like “I’m never this forward, but are you seeing anyone? dating in this church is impossible because everyone’s already taken, lol” which he laughed at. He responded that he wasn’t seeing anyone, but felt like he wasn’t really in a good place to be in a relationship right now because he’s got some things he has to deal with, but if he was available he would *definitely* be interested, which he certainly did not have to add if he was just trying to blow me off haha. I said ofc I totally understand, and if he gets things worked out, he’d know where to find me. We left off saying we’d see each other in the weeks to come. So overall I’m declaring this a successful guy interaction! I’ve literally never done that before in my life haha so I’d say pretty good. But yeah the service was really good, started by talking about the beginning of Matthew reading the genealogy of Jesus (which is of course not terribly thrilling haha but that was the point) and then went to talking about how each person on that list had a story and how your story is going to impact the people around you if you allow God to work through you and share it. Really good stuff. And just to make it super awesome, they brought an ice cream truck and paid for everyone to get ice cream??? have I mentioned how much I love my church??? so so much, lol. these people get me. So of course I went down and got an ice pop before proceeding to the volunteer huddle, and it was very much appreciated. Once I was done I went to the volunteer lounge and we did our kick off, and then headed to the baby room. There were 3 of us in the babies and 1 in the walkers, but at this point we’d basically been combining them so it wasn’t really an issue. We started getting babies pretty quickly, and they just kept coming, and coming, and coming.....it was getting insane. and when I say babies I mean like infants, under 1 and either not being able to crawl or just starting to figure it out, and we were running out of rockers and just about anything else to put them in. So at this point it was getting to pandemonium very quickly. I think the final count ended up being 18 babies for 4 volunteers, which is NUTS. Thankfully our kids ministry people are super awesome and did everything they could to help out and took the crying ones on a stroller ride with the massive stroller they have, and that always helps. but yeah, in my 3 years of volunteering with the babies, this was the most babies I have ever seen. Like older kids? sure, I’ve seen plenty of those. but babies?? like those are sooo much harder and require so much more attention. so it was definitely a challenge. Apparently the reason for this was for some reason this service was absolutely flooded with people, with the sanctuary packed out and over 100 people (100!!! people!!!) in the overflow space, which is insane. no idea what triggered that, but definitely a good problem to have. so eventually the service ended and everyone got picked up, and after cleaning up I headed home. Commute home was fine, once I got here I had some lunch and was on my laptop for a bit before starting to get some work done, still doing case research so that’s at least preferable to writing for me, and I got 4 hours of work in so that’s good. I’m at 14 hours so far for the week from Friday to today, so to make 40 hours by the end of Thursday I gotta do 3 days of 6 hours and 1 day of 8 hours (or some similar combination) which is definitely doable, so I’m pleased with that. I finally stopped to watch the Teen Choice Awards, which I felt absolutely ridiculous doing, but I wanted to see Monsta X perform, so I stuck it out for them and was pleased with that. My roommate came home earlier than she normally does so we sat and watched it and mostly laughed at people. They ended up not airing like, the majority of the awards and ended it after two hours which was very strange. I could’ve sworn Monsta X got nominated for “Who Do You Love?” in like an international song category, but couldn’t find any proof of that anywhere, so idk. Of course BTS won every award it was nominated for, including best fandom, so no surprise there. Once it was over we watched the news for a bit and eventually my roommate moved to her bedroom and I turned to netflix and watched an episode of Sugar Rush before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I’m here. Ooof that was a long post, but I clearly had a lot to say. Hopefully tomorrow will be better emotionally and I’ll be able to figure out what I need to do going forward to take better care of myself. Until then, I definitely need to be getting some sleep since it’s just past 1 am at the moment, and I need to do at least 6 hours of work tomorrow, do laundry, and hopefully make a quick Walgreens run for face wash and milk, so plenty to do so I’m gonna go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.