#literally used it as a placeholder but i can’t find anything better lol

[padfootastic]

so, for s&h sarurday, we’ve got outsider pov of mob boss sirius and a bunch of scary looking mafia underlings showing up to a school play with inconspicuous weapons to see kiddie harry dressed as a tree. confusion & ‘oh my god the boss has a what?’ ensues. slightly crack-y.

Clark Forrest hadn’t planned on going into this line of work, not when he’d graduated with an honours degree in Business Administration. But the economy was…not doing great, bills had to be paid, and he knew someone who knew someone who had very enthusiastically hooked him up with this job so here he was.

Applying his hard earned education to being the accountant for a mob boss.

If only his poor mum, may the Lord bless her soul, could see him now. She’d faint right back into her grave.

To his boss—Mr. Black’s—credit, he wasn’t that kind of mafia, the one with the indiscriminate killing and plucking toenails off and kidnapping children. Clark was sure there was some kind of…illicit activity going on - he wouldn’t be a mob boss if there wasn’t, would he? - but he hadn’t seen anything of the sort as of now, so he could happily go on believing nothing was amiss.

Well, unless you counted the occasional blood on the rug.

That - was clearly one of the more, uh, colourful activities Mr. Black engaged in. He tried not to think hard about it. It could always be red wine?

Was it really a surprise then, that Clark thought it would be something similar, when almost the entire, er, gang was called in for an important meeting?

“Alright, this one’s important so listen up,” Mr. Black ordered.

Now, here’s the thing. For those who hadn’t seen the man, it would’ve been very hard to picture the kind of—aura he had. Outwardly, he was attractive, almost unnaturally so, with high cheekbones, a sculpted nose, grey eyes that were known to inject terror into the hearts of the toughest of men. His hair was cropped close to his head, and he had jewellery pierced through his entire right ear. Tattoos ran down the length of his arms, creeping up the hem of his shirt to skirt around his jaw, peeks of ink around the ankle when he walked.

He looked dangerous, yes. No one would dispute that.

But he didn’t—feel dangerous. Not at first.

Because Sirius Black had an accent as posh as the Queen, with a pleasant smile adorning his face, like he’d just gotten back from a walk. Clark had been under the mistaken impression that the man wasn’t fit to hold the position he did - maybe he’d just gotten it through inheritance? a placeholder, perhaps? - because someone who drank their tea with more milk than tea in it, who sniffed delicately into handkerchiefs and said ‘excuse me’ when he burped—that didn’t seem like a mob moss, never mind that Clark’s only experience with the underworld had been in the form of smuggled DVDs and pirated clips.

It wasn’t until he’d seen what happened when someone defaulted on a payment that he realised exactly how deadly the man was. The screams from behind closed doors still rang in his ears sometimes. The unbothered expression of neutrality on Mr. Black’s face as he exited the room even more haunting.

Coming back to the situation at hand, though, Clark’s back had automatically straightened at Mr. Black’s tone. His brows were furrowed in a deep frown, lips pressed into a line, and he was looking at all the assembled members intently.

“Tomorrow, 9am sharp, not a minute before and not one after—You’ll be outside Collingswood Primary. I want all of you dressed casual. Jeans, jumpers, t shirts, you get it. If I see a single obvious sign that you’re packing, I’ll have you strung upside down from the London Bridge quicker than you can turn the safety off, get it?”

It took a second for Clark to realise he was actually expecting a verbal answer and he hastily added his agreement to the chorus of ‘yes, sir’ and ‘affirmative’ ringing around the room. Mr. Black stared at them for a few seconds longer—seconds that felt like they were stretched into hours. Clark could feel the sweat beading on the back of his neck, not even daring to blink as Mr. Black’s gaze skimmed over the room, only stopping on his for a millisecond. Finally, he nodded and gestured to his right.

“Lupin will give you the address and be your point man for the event tomorrow. We’re going to be undercover in public, which means subtlety and respectability. I expect everyone to show it.” With one final nod, he swept out of the room without a glance backward.

It was like a collective breath was released in that moment because Clark could feel his chest deflating, eyes blinking rapidly in an attempt to understand what just happened.

Did the big boss just tell them to go incognito at a…primary school? One where actual, real kids went to study? Clark was confused because—he could’ve sworn they didn’t do that. Mr. Black hadn’t said it out loud but Clark had always gotten the impression that children were off limits. But that was clearly not the case here.

Maybe he needed to rethink his earlier ‘no kidnapping children’ conviction, and also his employment while he was at it.

Speaking of which, why was he there anyway? He was an accountant, had never been ‘out in the field’ so to speak a day in his life. He couldn’t even identify the parts of a gun if his life depended on it, for Christ’s sake.

Really, the only thing they all had in common was that they looked like they could blend into a crowd—as opposed to Mr. Black and a couple others who looked like they’d stepped off a biker gang catalogue at any given moment—which is, perhaps, why they’d been selected. All the better for going incognito.

“Alright lads, you heard the boss,” Lupin said, before rattling off the address for somewhere in Chelsea. Jesus. “Be there at 9 on the dot, you hear me? That’s when entry starts and it’s first-come-first-serve. Obviously, we want the best seats available. No excuses for being late because if you are, then that’s shop cleanup duty for a week. Alone.”

“But that’s a three man job, at least,” one of the others cried and the almost-sadistic smirk that flitted on the man’s face reminded Clark why, despite his mild mannered looks, he was one of Mr. Black’s main enforcers.

“Guess you won’t be late then, huh?” he replied with a nonchalant shrug.

Clark hastily swallowed all the questions he had at that.

x

The next morning, the sun was shining bright, the sky was blue without a single cloud and Clark was standing in front of Collingswood Primary—a large, sprawling brick structure with faculty members dotted around the grounds—at eight fifty seven, feeling exceptionally awkward in his polo shirt and khaki trousers.

He tugged at the collar as he surveyed the place. It was a posh neighbourhood, no disputing that. He couldn’t remember ever stepping foot in the area before today and it almost felt like even the air here was too expensive for him to breathe. It was making him even more nervous, then, to imagine what they could possibly be here for. Clark had spotted almost every single person from yesterday’s meeting scattered around the place.

McKinnon was leaning against a tree, phone in hand, and he was slightly envious at how comfortable she looked, while he was sweating in his loafers. Lupin, Meadowes and Longbottom were gathered around the far end of the lane, coffee cups in hand and periodically glancing around. Pettigrew was stuffing a bagel in his mouth, hunched over like he didn’t realise everyone could see him. Clark’s lip curled instinctively at the sight.

Another look around and he realised the man himself, Mr. Black, wasn’t here. Did that mean they had to do…whatever it was…on their own? He wasn’t prepared for this. He was just an accountant who’d taken a wrong turn in life and ended up in this position, both employment-wise and existentially, no matter how cushy the pay was or how many free coffees he got from the communal Keurig.

It was as he was spiralling in the thoughts of what could have been (what if he’d gone into trade school like his da wanted? what if he hadn’t failed third semester corporate finance and had gone into a different kind of cutthroat sector? what if he hadn’t thought a call centre was beneath him? what if—) that he heard a voice call out.

“Mr. Black! Welcome, welcome.”

His head snapped up just in time to look at the tall frame of Sirius Black standing beside a lady who was almost half his height—literally, the top of her blonde bun barely reached his chest—at the front gate. Mr. Black was dressed…differently. His usual leather-jacket-distressed-skinny-jeans look was switched out for a very respectable button down shirt and trouser, still skinny fit of course, and he looked—normal? Not like he was the head of the most terrifying organisation this side of the Thames, not even with the tattoos that were visible all the way from where Clark was standing. He could see him taking the old lady’s hand in a handshake.

“Headmistress Martin, you look lovely as always. I trust you’ve been well?”

Inexplicably, the lady (which—headmistress??), who must be as old as Clark’s grandmum, blushed. “I appreciate that, Mr. Black. You know, I’m glad to catch you here today, I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to make it.”

“As if there’s any way I can miss…” their voices trailed away as they made their way inside and Clark cursed the missed opportunity. He still didn’t know what was happening, and at this rate, his head was hurting because the most recent interaction was telling him there was something else at play here. It didn’t quite seem like they were here to kidnap kids for ransom or blackmail now.

Just as he’d shifted his worldview for the third time in so long, Lupin walked over the entrance and made a signal for the others to follow. Clark, being the closest, ended up directly behind him, which gave him the chance to…subtly listen—not eavesdrop, not his fault people talked too loud these days—to the man’s conversation with the teacher at the gate.

“Six for Harry Potter,” he said, handing over…tickets?

“I just saw Mr. Black go in too,” the teacher replied after writing it down in her clipboard. “Quite a popular kid, that one, isn’t he?”

“We’d like to think so.” Lupin smiled and walked in, seemingly familiar with the building and leading them like a line of ducklings to a door marked ‘Auditorium’. At this point, Clark was—yet again—calibrating his entire worldview. They were here for a…show? A kid’s show, at that? Were they going to drag a kid straight off the stage? Or, was he wrong, and were they here for a parent?

That would actually make more sense. Maybe they had a…client or someone who was hiding, but even cowards could be good parents, right?

He kept telling himself that as they took their seats somewhere down the middle, all in one row. He ended up squished in between Lupin and Longbottom, which was great, really. He could get all the inside gossip without any of the work.

“So when’s the kid coming up?” Longbottom asked, looking around curiously. “And where’s the boss sitting, anyway?”

“Sirius would be somewhere in the front row there. See.” Lupin pointed a finger towards the center of the auditorium, where a fancier set of couches were laid out. Mr. Black was sitting on one of them like he owned the whole place, with the Headmistress and some other distinguished looking officials in conversation beside him. “The lucky bastard, gets the good stuff while we’re stuck on these bloody chairs.”

Sometimes, Clark forgets that these two men went way back—no one else could dream of referring to the boss man like that.

“As for Harry, there’s some sort of a—choir, I believe? Then the play. Shouldnt take too long, it is primary school, at the end of the day.”

“Speaking of primary schools, do you know why we needed to bring our…pieces to one?” Longbottom questioned. Clark barely swallowed down the squeak that followed that line of query. He’d almost forgotten they were…packing. “Does Black think we’ll get attacked out here or something?”

“You know he doesn’t,” Lupin rolled his eyes. “But he’s not taking any chances when it’s coming to Harry. If you think you’re armed, you should’ve seen the assortment he strapped to himself today. If I didn’t know him, I would’ve had him chucked straight into a facility, I’m telling ya.”

“Mate, I know him and still feel the urge sometimes.” Both of them snort in unison at that and Clark is just sitting there, slightly terrified and mostly confused, at the turn of the conversation.

As the—program commenced, Clark keeps a tight grip on the handles of his seat, watching each child and member of the audience carefully. He doesn’t knew what he’d be asked to recount later, and he has no wish to make things harder for himself by losing himself in the spiral of wondering what the fuck was going on. His time at this particular…organisation had taught him two things, if nothing else: head down and no questions. It was how he’d skirted past everyone’s radar so far and he wanted to keep it that way.

The choir came up on stage and performed an—interesting variation on pop songs he’d heard on the radio. Lupin and Longbottom clapped politely when it ended and Clark joined in until the host on stage announced ‘Annual Play! Our little actors have put their heart and soul into this, so please, show them all the love you can’ which led to another round of applause, slightly more raucous this time. He could see Mr. Black was one of the more enthusiastic ones in the audience. Huh. He didn’t think he’d ever seen him smile so big before.

Just as he’s focused on now unnaturally white the man’s teeth were, Lupin leant forward to face their entire row.

“The boss’ kid is coming up now and he expects maximum participation from all of you.”

“The boss’ what?” Clark’s glad that McKinnon chose to voice what they were all thinking because he didn’t think he was brave enough for it, no matter how much he wanted to know.

“His kid, Harry. Keep up, Marlene,” Lupin sighed, like they were being the ones being unreasonable here and not the fact that an entirely new facet about their…organisation’s head had been revealed to them.

“Since when did Black have a child, what the fuck.”

“That’s not important, what is is the fact that Harry’s about to be on stage right now and if you get caught talking during his part, you bet your arse he’s gonna have you cleaning blood off the rug for the whole month.” With that, he turned back to facing the stage, considered the matter closed—no thought given to the others who were stuck in varying stages of disbelief and shock.

“How, er, how exactly are we supposed to know which one the kid is—and does he have a name?” Pettigrew asked, craning his neck around everyone between him—in the last seat—and Lupin.

“It’s Harry, didn’t you hear, Pettigrew?” McKinnon snarked.

“He’s just coming up, wait…” Lupin mumbled, looking intently at the stage where a bunch of kids dressed in colourful fairy tale costumes had arranged themselves. “There! That one.” He pointed towards the back corner of the stage where a small cluster of children were gathered. Clark squinted, trying to identify what was going on. Surely, Lupin didn’t mean—

“The tree?” Meadowes said, incredulously “That’s what we’re all here to see, a kid dressed as a common garden tree?”

Somehow, he didn’t think he could be more shocked and yet, when Lupin nodded, completely seriously, Clark was. His eyes zeroed in on the tree in question—not a hard task considering there was only one—and could just about make out a bunch of hair escaping the band sitting on his head. There was a pair of spectacles sitting on his nose, a bit too large in Clark’s opinion, and his face was pulled up in a wide smile. He was looking straight at the front row and even sitting as far back as he was, Clark could see the joy radiating off him. Cute kid, really, but did nothing to make sense of the befuddlement he was feeling.

Clark turned to his side, saw the varying expressions of confusion and shock lining everyone else’s face, and felt immediately gratified. At least he wasn’t alone.

He went through the rest of the performance barely registering what was happening, like moving through a fog, clapping when Lupin and Longbottom did—which was apparently whenever the tree, sorry, Harry so much as moved—and sneaking glances at Mr. Black all the other times.

It was astounding—the man was leaning forward, elbows planted on knees, an expression of complete rapture on his face like he didn’t want to be anywhere else except here, watching a kid dance around in a plastic shrubbery costume. He clapped frequently and loudly, even letting out a taxicab whistle one time that made Clark double take most comically. The guests on either side of him only smiled indulgently in his direction and that, more than anything, drove home how much of a regular Mr. Black must be among them.

An indeterminate amount of time later, the kids bowed, the host announced the end of the show, and everyone clapped harder than they had so far. Which was really saying something considering how much their group had contributed to the cumulative applause. And that’s not to even mention Mr. Black. But now, everyone was on their feet, and Clark could feel his palms stinging under the onslaught of his enthusiasm. Better that than be reprimanded later, though.

Once the cheers had died down and the host was finished with their closing credits, Lupin turned to them. “We’re going backstage, let’s go.” And promptly got up, walking down the aisle towards the stage. Clark blinked at his abruptness, used to it by now but still not quite, before turning to his other side where Longbottom was flapping his hand in a ‘well, go on then’ motion. He decided to listen and scurried away after Lupin, absently wondering if they looked like a bunch of ducklings following after mama duck. And wasn’t that a thought—the mighty thugs of the London underworld, relegated to animal metaphors.

“Wonderful event, Mr. Smith.” Lupin shook hands with an average white guy at a side entrance. “We’ll just go in here to see our boy, yes?”

“All…of you?” The guy asked, eyeing their procession dubiously.

“Well, of course, Harry’s our favorite little guy,” Lupin replied in the same pleasant voice. Clark didn’t bother to clarify that none of them even knew there was a little guy until an hour ago. If the boss wanted them to say his kid was their favorite, then that’s what they’ll say. It didn’t take long after that for them to be let in. Clark would be more worried about the school’s safety if he hadn’t seen Lupin walk circles around the smartest people he’d ever seen. School cops were no match.

“An’ an’ an’ did ya see the whole t’ing?” An excited voice was saying as they turned the corner. Clark craned his neck and felt his brows creeping up when he assigned it to their favorite little guy—Harry. Who was currently being cuddled—there was no other word for it—by Mr. Black. Harry had his arms wrapped around the man’s neck as he talked and Mr. Black was looking at him with a kind of laser focus Clark had never seen before. And considering he looked after their entire operation’s accounts, that was really saying something.

“I saw the whole thing, baby,” Mr. Black replied, voice soft. Clark and the rest of their entourage were frozen in their positions, not wanting to disturb their conversation. “You were beautiful.”

Harry bit his lip at that, eyes gaze falling to rest on Mr. Black’s collarbone rather than his eyes. “I was jus’ a tree, though, Siri.”

Mr. Black’s eyebrows turned down. “And you were the most perfect tree I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“But it—that’s—trees are boring. Anyone can be one,” Harry’s lower lip looked a bit wobbly there and Clark had just a second to despair, no matter that he was standing too far away to be expected to do anything, before Mr. Black took over, swift and practiced.

“Harry, my love, if anyone can be a tree, and yet it was you that was chosen, then what does that say about you?” Personally, Clark thought that bit of philosophy, while profound, was a bit too complicated for a child.

“But—“

“And,” Mr. Black gently cut in, “If you were boring, then I wouldn’t have cheered as hard as I did, would I? It’s a matter of pride for me that my godson makes such a lovely tree.” He tweaked the kid’s nose, making him let out a wet giggle. But, even Clark, inexperienced as he was around children, could see they weren’t out of the danger zone yet. The kid was still looking a bit troubled there. Clearly, Mr. Black had picked up on it as well because he turned to their little association with an expectant look on his face. Clark hadn’t even realised he’s noticed them but of course he did.

“And if that’s not good enough for you,” he continued teasingly, turning Harry towards them. “Then you can ask any of them and they’d say the same.” Mr. Black’s raised eyebrow was sufficient warning.

Harry, on the other hand, was unaware of the looming danger because he burrowed into his…parent? guardian? uncle? (Seriously, what was the relation here?) as he noticed the bunch of strangers standing there like idiots.

“Who’s they, Siri?” he whispered loudly.

“They’re my friends from work.” Clark pushed down the hysterical snort that wanted to emerge at that statement. “And they came here just for you!”

“Really?” Harry’s eyes—a bright emerald, now that Clark was closer—opened wide in surprise. “All for me?”

“All for you, baby,” Mr. Black reassured him before clearing his throat pointedly. Clearly that was the cue for Lupin, who’d been standing just as quietly, to jump in for he strode forward until he was right in front of the pair.

“Hello, Mr. Harry,” he offered a hand to the kid, who returned the solemn handshake with a grin tugging his lips. “I see you’re well.”

“You too, Mr. Loo-pin,” Harry giggled before leaning forward in Mr. Black’s arms. “Did ya see me pre-pef-peform?”

“I did, you were really quite something, kiddo,” Lupin ruffled his black hair, showing a level of familiarity Clark should’ve come to expect by now. “Thank you for letting me come.”

“But I din’t—“ Harry said, eyebrows furrowed adorably.

“We wouldn’t have seen such a great show if you weren’t acting in it, now, would we?”

“Hm.” While Harry seemed to consider that, Clark and the others had managed to get over their shock to make their way to their boss and his kid.

“Hello, Harry,” Meadowes grinned, bright and friendly, taking the lead. “You were so cool up there!”

The poor kid looked at her with rapidly reddening cheeks. Clearly he wasn’t immune to her charms either. Figures. “T’ank you, miss.” Clark could see Meadowes biting down on her lip, eyes softening in adoration.

“I thought you were the best one on stage, Harry,” Clark added, keeping one eye on his boss who was staring at all of them intently and another on Harry who couldn’t see to stop blushing. As he received another stammered thanks in reply, the others stepped up for their turn at congratulating the kid.

When all of them had finished their round of pleasantries, not that it was much of a chore—while a tree was certainly a forgettable role, Harry was adorable enough to win all of them over—Mr. Black smoothly stepped into the conversation. He ran a gentle hand over the boy’s unruly hair, smoothening it fruitlessly before tucking a few strands behind one ear.

“Will you believe your poor godfather now? Or do I need to shout from the rooftops?”

Harry swatted at his chest feebly, making a face at the gentle teasing. Despite knowing that this was just a kid—the boss’ godson at that—Clark held his breath in anticipation of how such an action would be perceived. Surprisingly (or perhaps not) the boss only grinned, a shocking display of emotions Clark hadn’t ever seen before today.

“So, ice cream in celebration then?” he asked. Clark, still stuck on the relationship reveal, almost replied in the affirmative before realising that would’ve been a supremely awkward thing to do. Clearly he wasn’t the one being asked here.

“Yes, please, Siri!” Harry chirped, bouncing a little in excitement. “Will—will your friends come too?”

“Will they, now?” Mr. Black repeated, looking at them with a raised eyebrow that communicated very well his feelings on the matter. The four of them, Longbottom and Lupin not included, immediately fell over themselves trying to communicate a variety of reasons for why they ‘couldn’t come, so sorry kid, maybe next time?’ in a way that didn’t hurt his feelings or get themselves strung upside down.

“Oh, otay then,” Harry blinked, looking a bit overwhelmed at the sudden onslaught directed at him. “T’ank you for comin’!”

Meadowes was unable to stop herself from cooing this time. Mr. Black snorted softly before inclining his head in their direction, saying ‘thank you’ and dismissing them in one smooth move.

Longbottom and Lupin stayed back, engaging Harry in conversation, while the others slowly walked away, trying to wrap their heads around the events of the day. He could hear snippets of Meadowes and McKinnon conversation, speculating on why they needed to be armed if they were just here to watch a kid’s play, and immediately increased his pace so he didn’t have to hear about things like that again. He really did not want to think about the unsavoury aspects of his job right now, not when he was equally baffled by everything.

Instead, he wondered if he should go job hunting again. All this stress surely wasn’t worth it, was it? Not if he wanted a place right next to his mother in the near future. Maybe he should think of going into the call center industry he’d written off earlier. It didn’t make use of his degree but it also didn’t have guns, the pay was decent, and there was no definitely no blood to clean up on the rug.

[simtanico]

Hi! I don't know if this is an annoying/difficult question, sorry if it is, but do you have any advice at all for modelling sims based off real people? Your sims are SO crazy good. When I try to make them they end up looking... eh... Vaguely like the person? But there's a huge gap between that and some kind of 'spark' some simmers seem to manage to capture.

Hello! Definitely not annoying. Difficult, as in how difficult it is to answer? Maybe. I'm gonna go off on a couple of tangents. But I'm gonna try my best to explain the process. Which isn't really much of one sorry.

There's a handful of tutorials and tips out there regarding reference photos and like... proportions and all that so I won't cover that.

I use that as a general guide of course, but mostly I just save some photos of the person at various angles and focus on one feature or two at a time. Literally going back and forth between reference photo and my game. I think if you try to get everything at the same time, it really makes it easy to get frustrated with whatever your sim looks like at the moment. Making sims in general is a combination of a LOT of things depending on your style.

I can point out ALL the flaws with my sims based on real people. In my experience, it’s about getting the defining features of a person close enough to the real thing so that it resembles them. I don't think you need a complete copy to get the point across, however i do think some people and features are harder to emulate than others. I've been working on some sims for YEARS, and they still don't work out lol

and take a look at this progression on my sim based on Z4ne H0ltz starting back in 2015!

that first screenshot:

Personally, I get a little lost if I work on a sim too much all at once. I find some time away makes me less tired and frustrated. Just pace yourself :)

Also if you need any help, shoot me a message here or on discord. I promise I don't judge or anything.. it's sims who cares lol

TO START...

I suggest starting with the head and its shape. Starting off with a game-generated sim, the first slider I get to is head width. It's usually too dang wide for my tastes. And then adjusting the general position of the the features. You can always change things later, so you don't have to know exactly what you're going to do, but as I've mentioned before, sculpting sims up in CAS is just practice with sliders! Also in the long run, you may want to use Pu+Chi House's Smooth Face Normals slider! I attempt to explain and show what it does here. I've uploaded the slider here: https://simfileshare.net/download/984204/

This is gonna be a doozy sorry in advance if the read more doesn't work

SLIDERS SLIDERS SLIDERS

Big sliders like Pu+Chi House’s face shape sliders dramatically change the face shape, and it could save you a lot of time! I highly suggest using these to get rid of the weird large jaw sims can get.

Play with different sliders and how they interact with one another! Example: jaw width and Cheek Fullness affect the same area. if you need a wide jaw and don’t want cheek distortion, you can use cheek fullness, lower the jaw width slider and then edit the cheekbones from there

 Knowing what sliders move what and how it can work to your advantage is key! I cover this in my reply post about noses.

For visual reference:

I start out with my nose but I want the nostrils to sit further on the outside

so i go in and use the nose width slider and raise it to widen the lower nose:

Then lower the nostril scale slider

Comparison:

as you can see, i kind of achieved what I wanted, but also widened the nose tip too! Welp, that takes another slider I have, Tip Width. And I'll adjust that accordingly! It's really just a matter of what you're going for and what you're going to have to compensate for as a result!

That said, our community has made some awesome sliders that open up so many possibilities and even eliminate the need to do that multi-slider tango. I wouldn't even know where to begin (wish I wanted to make videos because I could talk for an hour about sliders)

For example @pitheinfinite made sliders that can make sims look better and more realistic, I'm jealous at what they've achieved!

They have their Inner Corner to Nose slider that moves an area of the sim's face hat make eyebags and the shadows and lines appear farther out from the inner eye. It saves you from having to use cheek sliders to mimic the effect and thus ruining the face shape you have going

It's truly an INDISPENSABLE slider. One of many!

Since I make sliders, I usually just make some to specifically fix whatever issue I'm having. Granted they're made with general function in mind, which makes my cheater-y way of making things happen more useful in the future. I have about 50 experimental unfinished sliders in my game and can tell you that all my current sims use them for some reason or other. So I'm not working with nothing, I guess?

EYE SPY 👁

The best way to really get nice accurate looking sims is the eyes.

Pay attention to the slant of the eye, the shape and position of the upper and lower eyelids. you can use the game’s Eyelid Height slider, and AWT’s Eyelid width and height sliders (and many more)

and especially where the iris (green) sits relative to the eyelid. getting that shape and eyeball positioned correctly really makes a HUGE difference

I do suggest Bloom’s Eye slider (left and right) that rotate the eyes left and right. That along with their Lazy eye sliders can give your sims a less symmetric face and position the eyes to be FAR more accurate and realistic than the default.

I also recommend their vertical sliders (Eye lift or drop) to help with eye positioning.

I can't stress the importance of the right contacts or eyes for your sims. Of course it all depends on how you make your sims's eyes and all that. Take the last sim i posted about. It took forever and a half to find the right contacts that didn't need severe or intense editing to capture the same vibe the person he's based on. The problem is pretty persistent for me, and I am just speaking for myself when I say this is necessary. Iris size, shading, recolorability, detail, catch lights, and pupil position are things to consider for your play style and preferences.

In addition to seeing what eyes will do the trick, I do edit the catch lights in the screenshots to give the eyes a different emotion or look. (I use defaults that get rid of the game-generated catch lights, and supernatural eye glow.) It's nice when that's all it is and I don't have to go in and photoshop things in and out to make them look human lmao

Perfect, schmerfect

And just know that as long as you have the same vibe or look going on it doesn't need to be perfect! Things will evolve over time, and you can change and perfect things as you go along, but close is better than trying to achieve an exact replica. We are working with the limitations of sliders and the optimized meshes they work on! So yeah there might be jagged bits or the profile might not exactly match and some things might not be accurate, but that's okay! Considering what sims look like at their default, you should be proud! I use the same mf eyebrows on all my sims basically and I tell myself they're just placeholders (yeah, right), but I manage to make them work with what I have!

Sliders, Makeup, and Skins, oh my!

a good base skin is critical, but not the end of the world if you pick the wrong one. They determine kind of definition and types of features highlighted on a sim 100000% and you might lose a feature you like or dislike when you change them! Feel free to switch up between skins you have to find the best fit.

Makeup can be a game-changer though!!! Any details you can add and help make your sim look the most like the person you're basing them off can go MILES.

In some cases, I've actually gotten really interesting results trying to get my sculpt as close as possible to real life references so the makeup makes a difference but don't define the features by themselves. Still, though, I utilize makeup up a LOT. [remember that if you use Nraas, you can layer makeup. Right-clicking makeup will also remove it if it's applied :)]

Here's the last sim i posted about when removing makeup:

no nosemasks really replicates the face-claim's nose (too shiny at the lower part) but it'll do 🤷‍♀️

Freckles, eyebags, highlighters, face shadows, pores, nosemasks, etc are all great!!

The way you move your sliders WILL effect how these look, so don't rely on makeup that adds super-specific detail or goes over an area you know is a jumbled mess because of sliders!

I do have a mess of recommendations and wcifs for skins and makeup. replies tag | wcif tag

[also I love compiling wcif cc lists for my sims it's great]

Finally, I appreciate your comment about my sims, mainly because I know they're not ever really exact copies or as close as I want to be to their real life counterparts, so thanks!! I've seen fellow simmers get really good results without messing as much as I do and I love when people can make really good maxis match likenesses because it's just so damn cool! It's truly a talent. I'm not one of those lucky few, but I like to try my way at it anyway. After what feels like some good progress I'll post a pic here. Even after doing this forever I don't feel like I'm an expert or can get good results in a shorter amount of time, but it's just fun to see the progression (or regression) of how my sims look.

[bleachbleachbleach]

Your blog is awesome and so wacky I love it! What inspired both of you to create the blog, and are there any people/blogs that inspire your posts or fics?

Aw, thank you!! We’re glad you enjoy it. <333 We initially made the blog as a receptacle for all our Bleach thoughts for posterity, because Apple Messages can’t be searched worth a good goddamn. Then being on Tumblr really opened the door in terms of the amount of Bleach content—really excellent Bleach content—that was out and about in the world! And I think my primary inspirations for B3 now are still having a place to put random Bleach things we make, and wanting to make Bleach friends. I’m variably good at both of these things, though. My goal is to post to this blog reflexively and without filter because the alternative is just me being deeply anxious about being perceived, ON TUMBLR, ON A BLOG ABOUT AN OLD ANIME, and I know logically that’s very silly. I also get anxious about overstepping Tumblr’s Pact of Parasociality, but trust that if you are interested in being friends I am too; I’m just scared of being a Kool-Aid Man. XD (And chronically absent from this platform, but one of my 2022 goals is to not be.)

The first three Tumblrs I remember looking at before we made this blog were @littleeyesofpallas’s Bleach name posts, @recurring-polynya’s meta (specifically the Renji fashion posts, because I am obsessed with Renji’s koi hoodie and overall think he’s the best dressed in the series; and also the post about Bleach and The Abhorsen Trilogy, a series that is my entire childhood and also the origin of my usual online name, outside of Tumblr), and @kaicko’s tiny Hyourinmaru art.

As far as what inspires posts or fics, I guess like everyone else here… THEM. The cast of Bleach! My desire to spend time with them! <33333 I like hanging out with them, and having places to hang out with them that exist in different registers, whether it’s omake memes or taking them very seriously in fanfic.

Bleachbleachbleach is such a silly name--it was supposed to be a placeholder. (Fascinating, right? Because I know what you’re thinking—in no way does this subtle and eminently clever name sound like a placeholder!)--and I just copied the name of the screensharing room we’d been using to watch… Bleach… But it’s our brand now and also frankly what I envision my ideal life to be. BLEACHBLEACHBLEACH!

—

I had actually completely forgotten that BLEACHBLEACHBLEACH was supposed to be a placeholder name, but I went back into the pit of Apple Messages and searched out the exact moment of blog creation for everyone's enjoyment (including my own)

May 3, 2021 ~9:45a PST

(under the cut because this post is starting to get very long)

The message exchange has been slightly edited for clarity and to remove some somewhat embarrassing messages in which we talk about posts/blogs we like, which are literally the ones whipplefilter mentioned above.

I find it hilarious that basically everything about the blog was supposed to be temporary. The name, the banner, layout, userpic... everything was supposed to be changed from the temporary images once we had a better grasp of the blog and more time. The pfp and banner are placeholders and something we have discussed updating/making better for... basically the entire 10mo that this blog has been around. And yet we still haven't done it, and now it's probably become somewhat of our brand. I do think the blog navigation is incredibly ugly/difficult to use, so maybe I will get around to changing it...

I'd like to point out that LOL, I mention wanting to have useful tags, and that is definitely not something we have here. If anything, they are probably the opposite of useful. XDDD

In all seriousness though, I do think we've met some wonderful people in the Bleach tumblr community, and maybe have made some new friends along the way? Which is ironic, considering we thought we only needed the imaginary Bleach friends. But it's nice to have friends that you can interact with! So please, feel free to message us!!

[bisluthq]

hi nat! i know you don’t believe in kaylor anymore, but i wanted to send in my kaylor/joshlie theory, just as food for thought and fun speculation.

CW: ED

background:

back in 2017, i made a new friend. i quickly became kinda obsessed with her. i idolized how tall and skinny she was, her radiant sunshine-like presence, and the way she was so much cooler than me. something about her just drew me in like a magnet.

one day she told me that she was “bi-curious,” and i felt the unexplainable urge to tell her that i was queer too—so i did.

thus started our intense homoerotic friendship. we talked about everything, and she was rather touchy and flirty with me (we even hooked up a few times). but she was hung up on this dude who she’d been in a long-term off-and-on relationship with. looking back, i think she saw me as a willing participant in her experimentation phase—a source of casual fun while on a break from her ‘real’ relationship (plus, i came with the added bonus of helping her figure out her sexuality a bit).

meanwhile, i was serious about us because i was in love with her. as such, the relationship was obviously very unhealthy: neither of us had appropriate expectations of the other, and because of the imbalance in our level of commitment/love, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of my friendship in ways that only increased my obsession with her. naturally, our friendship eventually imploded.

i think the kaylor story may look similar.

my theory on kaylor:

i think that kaylor had a very similar friendship as me and my friend. their connection obviously started out as pr, but they ended up getting along well and bonded. thus started their genuine friendship.

i think that their eating disorders were likely a strong source of bonding/connection for them, as this was the case for me and my friend as well. i wanted to emulate how skinny my friend was, just how i think taylor wanted to emulate how skinny karlie was. (remember the vogue best best friends video, in which taylor complemented karlie’s “shiny abs.”) this is obviously an unhealthy place to start a friendship: from day one, you are on uneven ground, where one person is essentially worshipping the other and seeing them as a god-like figure to emulate.

imagine that taylor in that sort of mindset with karlie. and on top of that, she’s attracted to karlie—obsessed with her skinny body, her sunshine-like personality, how sophisticated she is, how effortlessly successful she is, etc. she develops an infatuation with karlie. she wants to take karlie to big sur with her and play 1989 on the way, and she’s so obsessed with karlie that she wants to tell her the truth about the 1989 muse. (trust me, it’s feasible—i told my friend shit i’d never have even imagined confessing to another human, all because of how infatuated with her i was.) so taylor and karlie sit down, have an intensely emotional conversation about how taylor is bi, how the pressures of staying closeted gut her every day, how her relationship with the 1989 muse dianna was so full of strife due to closeting, etc. /// or maybe taylor feels that she must disclose her bisexuality to karlie before the big sur trip. she’s terrified that if she doesn’t tell karlie she’s bi, then karlie will somehow find out. and taylor’s afraid that then, karlie will be creeped out that a ~predatory lesbian~ invited her on a three-month sleepover, leading to the demise of their friendship. so taylor must avoid that outcome – so she must come out to karlie.

so, for either reason i described, taylor comes out to karlie. considering how scared taylor is to come out to karlie (since it might ruin their friendship, or karlie might maliciously out her to others now that she knows, etc.) and considering how generally poor taylor’s mental health was at the time, the coming out inevitably evolves into an intensely emotional conversation about taylor’s fears, insecurities, the pressures of being a closeted mega-celebrity, etc. perhaps karlie feels compelled to match the level of emotion and vulnerability, motivating her to tell taylor “i’m questioning if i might be a little bi too.” or perhaps taylor’s level of earnestness and rawness stirs up the illusion of intense emotions inside of karlie. so, karlie “comes out” to taylor – confessing that she’s questioning/bi-curious (for context, i think karlie is kinsey 1). /// (to show the validity of this possibility – this is how evangelical churches, such as the one shown in the 2006 documentary “jesus camp”, are able to convince children that they’re being overcome by the holy spirit, being prompted by god to break down in tears, etc. – psychologically speaking, when people are put into highly intense emotional situations, [such as taylor breaking down while coming out to karlie], their brains will feel inadvertent pressure to match the level of emotion. as such, their brains will either exacerbate existing relevant emotions, or create the illusion of relevant strong emotions. [this is probably especially true for karlie, since she is an empath and a people pleaser.]).

thus starts the “friends with occasional benefits” stage. karlie views the relationship as something casual, something that gal pals do sometimes, something fun to experiment with while she and josh are on a break, and maybe with the added bonus of helping her figure out if she’s actually a little bit queer.

but taylor falls hard. as i already said, i think taylor was infatuated with karlie’s personality, success, and skinniness. that’s why taylor is willing to engage in such an unhealthy and un-reciprocal relationship: she’s willing to tolerate josh’s presence, because her brain is so fixated on karlie that she’s willing to endure anything for her. taylor may even recognize that kaylor is doomed, but she’s so in love/obsessed that she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the utter infatuation she feels in this present moment. (this was true of me and my friend – my friend would literally vent to me about her long-term on-again-off-again boyfriend, and i was willing to endure it because of how obsessed with her i was.) or maybe taylor’s somewhat in denial about josh. (this was also true of me and my friend – i had such a hard time conceptualizing that she had feelings for the man that my brain, to some extent, refused to fully grasp the reality of that.) or maybe taylor was even in denial about how intensely she loved karlie, convincing herself that she just really valued her platonic friendship (i also did this – it took me months to admit that i had a crush on my friend and admit that my level of obsession wasn’t normal gal pal behavior – even though i was already out to myself.) also keep in mind the eating disorder dynamic here – taylor looked to karlie as an idol regarding how to eat healthy, exercise, be skinny, and be successful. the mindset of people engaged in eating disorders tends to be obsessive and unhealthy to the extent of being willing to ignore reality / unknowingly refusing to accept reality, possibly including the reality of josh, if taylor feels like her skinniness is dependent on her connection with karlie.

so basically, karlie sees this as a gal pal fling, friends with the occasional casual benefit. taylor, conversely, is infatuated with karlie. one thing that really confirms this for me is kissgate. taylor was liking kaylor shipped tumblr posts shortly before kissgate – she obviously was feeling something for karlie that night. but karlie wasn’t committed to taylor to the same level – yes they (allegedly) made out, but karlie made out with josh immediately afterwards. /// to taylor, kaylor is a ship, an endgame. but to karlie, taylor is just a fun little pit stop, and she’s gonna go make out with her real boyfie immediately after.

eventually, the friendship inevitably implodes, leading to their breakup in 2016. some straw finally breaks the camel’s back on this relationship which was unhealthy and doomed from day 1.

now let’s look at lyrical evidence from repuation that supports my theory.

lyrical evidence from reputation:

ready for it

the bearding anthem. verses “he” are joe, as confirmed by the music video. chorus “you” is her fantasy idealized version of long-term kaylor.

there’s a reason that the “you” relationship (in the chorus) is happening IN HER DREAMS and not in real life – she pines for this committed and serious relationship with karlie, but that’s not reality.

but taylor has hope that it might happen – “i know i’m gonna be with you, so I TAKE MY TIME.” she imagines they’ll be friends-to-lovers, and she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage

this is a stretch, but “thief”/“robber” may refer to how she’s “stealing” karlie from josh lol. “touch me and you’ll never be alone” may also be a cheeky reference how taylor was like a temporary placeholder for josh – when karlie felt alone bc she and josh were on a break, taylor was like “touch me karlie, to keep you occupied while josh has left you alone. and oh yeah, if you end up in a relationship with me, then i promise that you’ll never be alone, bc i will commit to you, unlike that josh boy. i will be so much better than him, if you just let me.”

end game (but only the chorus/verse which taylor wrote)

“i WANNA be your endgame” – taylor is not in a committed relationship with karlie. as karlie sees it, they’re just fooling around. but taylor wants more than that: she wants to be karlie’s endgame.  

“you and me would be a big conversation” bc they’re gay. (sorry joseph matthew alwyn, this line is not about you)

“i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” may be a reference to how karlie is gal pals with plenty of her female friends (example – her platonic yet very affectionate relationship with toni garrn). but taylor wants more than that – she wants their touches to be romantic rather than just platonic/occasionally casually sexual.

“i don’t wanna hurt you” – taylor fears that she’s bad news for karlie (a sentiment repeated in the first line of delicate, the bridge of i did something bad, etc.). this may be internalized homophobia – the predatory lesbian falls in love with her pure/innocent straight best friend and then corrupts her with homosexuality.

“but i ain’t tryna play” – taylor wants this relationship to be more than just the occasional fun/playful/casual hook up. she wants to be karlie’s end game.

“i hit you like ‘bang’, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t” may refer to the first time they hooked up. it was unexpected, just happened so suddenly (“like ‘bang’”). and they were just going to put it past them – sometimes friends hook up, it’s whatever. but taylor can’t move on from it.

“your body is gold” – self-explanatory. karlie is the gold rush girl, after all.

“you’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks” reminds me of how i used to try to communicate my seriousness/love to my friend, but she’d laugh it off and assume i was joking. conversely, perhaps the “trick” is that taylor is pretending that she’s not super invested in karlie—maybe karlie is catching on to the fact that taylor is infatuated with her in a ~gay way~. taylor denies it, but karlie calls her bluff on that statement.

“here’s the truth from my red lips” – but in the music video, her lips aren’t red when she says this line. this may allude to all of the lying involved in her relationship with karlie (such as lying about just how in love with karlie she really was). or taylor may have her lips a different color because the truth has changed from the time she wrote this song to the time she’s filming the video – when she wrote this song, it was true that she wanted to be karlie’s endgame. but by the time rep era is here and they’re filming this video, the kaylor friendship is over, and it is no longer true that taylor wants to be karlie’s endgame.

i did something bad

just like in “ready for it”, i think the verses primarily refer to bearding (or maybe calvin/kimye, idk), but the chorus is about karlie.

“they say did something bad / then why’s it feel so good” – it is bad that she slept with karlie despite the fact that karlie is in a complicated long term relationship with josh. but the sex felt good ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

“and i’d do it over and over and over again / IF I COULD” – this implies that taylor only did ~the bad thing~ a few times, and she was unable to do it more times, even though she wanted to. this lines up with my theory that she and karlie hooked up a few times (casually in karlie’s eyes), but taylor wanted it to be more than just a few times (she wanted to be karlie’s endgame). but they couldn’t get to that committed place of routinely having sex bc karlie was still low key hung up on josh.

this is a very unlikely reach but – “he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” – “he” might be josh speaking to karlie about their relationship.

in the bridge, taylor says that she is a witch being unjustly burned. the witch is burned because she is being accused of the sin of dark magic – this parallels josh accusing taylor of being a witch who committed the sin of sleeping with his girlfriend, or maybe even the sin of “corrupting” the pure straight girl karlie. furthermore, the bridge invokes religious imagery of purgatory. and tbh, religious imagery is almost always gay xoxo.

don’t blame me

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy” again implies that taylor has committed a sort of ~crime~, such as the ~crimes~ i just mentioned regarding the don’t blame me bridge.

“my drug is my baby” – the drug reference makes me think of dependency. the obsession and infatuation i experienced with my friend (and that i suspect taylor experienced with karlie) is sort of like a drug dependency – and just like a drug dependency, the need for each other is not reciprocal (the drug does not need you back).

“shaking, pacing, i just need you” implies that taylor does not have “you”, which is consistent with my theory that she wanted kaylor to be endgame whereas karlie was only willing to doing occasional gal pal hook ups.

“for you, i would cross the line” / “they say she’s gone too far this time” – sleeping with josh kushner’s ~innocent straight~ girlfriend certainly crosses a line, lol.

“i would waste my time” – as i mentioned in my ready for it analysis, taylor hopes that kaylor be friends-to-lovers. she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage, even though she recognizes that the relationship is doomed and thus a waste of time.

“my name is whatever you decide” – we don’t have to “girlfriends.” we can just be “friends with benefits” or “gal pals” or whatever name you decide, because i am so desperate to have you at all that i will accept you in any form.

“i’m insane, but i’m your baby” – acknowledging that this unhealthy relationship/infatuation she has with karlie is “insane”

“halo hiding my OBSESSION” – “obsession” (!!!!) (that’s what i’ve been saying kaylor was!!!). also, “halo” is a religious metaphor, and religious metaphors are always gay xoxo. and this is a reach, but as a victoria’s secret angel, karlie wears a halo.

“i once was poison ivy, but now i’m your daisy” – i’m sorry, but i’ll never get over the fact that karlie tagged the daisy as taylor, and then taylor drew a picture of a daisy in an identical position above the word “daisy” in the handwritten lyrics.

“for you, i would fall from grace / just to touch your face” – religious metaphors are gay xoxo!

delicate – unsure if this song is about karlie (i think it’s more likely about lily or even joe), but if it is about karlie, it does align well with my kaylor theory.

“this ain’t for the best” – doomed relationship due to josh, corruption of straight girl, karlie won’t commit, etc.

“we can’t make / any promises” – karlie can’t commit to taylor like taylor wants/needs

“is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? cuz i know that it’s delicate” – is it cool that i have gay feelings for you, bestie, because i know we’re toeing a very delicate line between friends and lovers?

“third floor on the west side” – iirc, the master bedroom of karlie’s west side apartment was on the third floor

“do the girls back home touch you like i do?” – contrasting platonic girls’ touches to the type of touch taylor is giving her. (similar vibe to “i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” in end game)

“stay here, honey, I DON’T WANNA SHARE” – i don’t wanna share you with josh

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” – implies that karlie is not hers all the time (because she’s josh’s)

“i like you …… i want you” – taylor is Yearning™ for a deeper/more serious relationship with karlie

look what you made me do

i don’t think this song has much substance, but it may draw on themes/emotions from the kaylor friendship break up.

“i don’t like your games” – i don’t like how you led me on, making me feel like we could be forever when, in reality, you were never going to commit to me because you loved josh

“don’t like your tilted stage” – this reminds me of the power imbalance i mentioned earlier: taylor was obsessed with karlie and idolized her. karlie did not reciprocate this dedication and infatuation. because taylor’s love for karlie is so much more intense than karlie’s love for her, the metaphorical scale is imbalanced, making it tilt.  

“the role you made me play, of the fool” – you made me out to be a fool, ready to confess my undying love even though you could never reciprocate. // furthermore, the “role” may refer to how they had to act like platonic girl squad besties as per their pr arrangement (reminds me of how karlie publicly said “taylor and i are still besties” after karlie’s name wasn’t on the junior jewels shirt in the lwymmd mv, how karlie promo-ed the “Me!” filter on Instagram, the song closure, etc.)

“your perfect crime” – the crime of sleeping with taylor despite being low key still with josh

“i got smarter” – i began to realize how unhealthy this warped and imbalanced friendship was

“you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out and threw a feast” – this may refer to karlie had a ~designated bestie sleepover room~ in taylor’s house, and that enty blind about how karlie used taylor’s credit card and that caused a feud lol

i do not think that “so it goes” is about karlie – it’s too reciprocal. i don’t think gorgeous is about karlie specifically – maybe lily or just women in general. and i agree with andy’s theory that getaway car is more so an exercise in storytelling than a song that contains substantive clues about her relationships.

king of my heart

we have the photos showing that taylor wrote/recorded this after facetiming with karlie to watch the sunset together. taylor wrote this right after that romantic coded date, presumably during a high point of their friendship/relationship – as such, this song is more idealistic than most other kaylor songs. taylor is hopeful about the future of a committed endgame kaylor. (but, we’ll also see that taylor does still have some insecurities about kaylor.)

“now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes” – karlie is just “trying on” calling her baby. karlie is new to this whole wlw thing, and she won’t be wearing these metaphorical clothes (a wlw relationship) for long – she’s just trying them on. furthermore, “trying on clothes” may reference how karlie is a model.

“salute to me, i’m your american queen” – i think i remember from my ttb days (derogatory) that there’s a video clip of karlie calling taylor “the perfect all-american girl” whilst doing a salute.

“you move to me like a motown beat” may reference the “motown beats” instagram post where kaylor are putting on lipstick together

the fact that taylor includes the line “all the boys and their expensive cars … never took me quite where you do” may be a sign of taylor’s insecurity. i think this may be a message to karlie – ‘yes, josh is a rich boy with expensive cars, but look, we are so much better than joshlie is.’ calling josh a mere “boy” is also a funny little insult – he’s not a man, he’s just some silly little boy who can’t satisfy you like i can.

“body and soul” – i think it might be significant that taylor specifies body AND soul. they’re already connected by the soul through their close friendship – but now they’re connecting sexually with their bodies as well. conversely, this could reference how they’ve already connected bodily through casual gal pal hook ups, but now taylor believes that they’re starting to connect on that romantic soul level as well.

“school girl crush” gives me such unreciprocated crush vibes. maybe taylor’s crush was unreciprocated for a while, but she has reason to believe that their relationship is growing into ~more than just friends~, as she’s desired

“drinking beer out of plastic cups” – knicks game

“say you fancy me, not fancy stuff” – “fancy” could just be straight-bait to make swiftwyn beards look more convincing, or it could be a re-dedication of the song to joe (just how the bridge of dress re-dedicated that song to joe). (for context, i believe in swiftwyn beards-to-lovers.) but what’s important here is that “fancying stuff” made me think of how, as a model, karlie is like madona’s Material Girl. rich boy josh with his fancy cars can give karlie more “stuff” to satisfy her inner material girl, but taylor wants to show karlie that she can give her deeper fulfillment than that.

“this is enough” – this might be taylor reassuring herself that their relationship, despite being in a weird ~gal pals who hook up occassionally~ is enough. even though they’re not ~girlfriends~, the relationship is enough, because taylor believes that they’re working their way towards that ~body and soul endgame wives~ type of relationship.

“all at once” may refer to a seemingly sudden shift in the nature of their relationship – one day, they’re (infuriatingly) just gal pals who hook up, but all of a sudden, taylor has reason to believe/hope that maybe they’re starting to be more than that, maybe inching their way towards endgame territory.

i do not think that dancing with our hands tied is necessarily about karlie. it seems too reciprocal to be just about her; it might be an amalgamation of many relationships and how she frequently fears being outed.

dress

“a golden tattoo” – drake’s party. also, karlie is gold rush girl

“all of this silence, pining and anticipation / my hands are shaking from holding back from you / all of this silence, pining and desperately waiting” – once again implies that taylor does not have karlie the way she wants her. there’s “pining” because she wants more than karlie can give. and taylor is “desperately waiting” in hopes that maybe one day karlie will reciprocate her love to the full extent that she desires

“i don’t want you like a best friend” – self-explanatory

“carve your name into my bedpost” – taylor is making a request – ‘please commit, please leave a sign that you are committed to me forever, please be my endgame.’ note the dichotomy between this plea for karlie to take the initiative to make the carving, versus the statement in the first verse of how karlie inadvertently left “an indentation in the shape of” her. the indentation was not an act of karlie’s chosen will – taylor just so happened to fall in love with her, and now she’s asking karlie to reciprocate by making that carving.

“inescapable, i’m not even gonna try” – taylor is resigned to the fact that she’s fallen for karlie, even though the relationship might be doomed (as the next line demonstrates)

“if I get burned, at least we were electrified” – taylor is acknowledging that this relationship is low key doomed, and if anyone is going to get hurt, it’ll be taylor. taylor will be the one getting “burned” by the intensity of her infatuation, whereas karlie won’t be burned because she never reciprocated that intense love. /// going back to my commentary on “carve your name into my bedpost” – note how taylor frequently references karlie “claiming” her (with “marks”, “indentations”, “carvings”, and now “burns”), whereas taylor never states that she’s claimed karlie in any way. i think this may reflect taylor’s recognition that she has fallen much harder for karlie than karlie has for her. karlie does not bear marks, indentations, carvings, or burns from their relationship, because she was never as committed as taylor was. but taylor bears all those things because it is she who fell so hard for karlie.  

“you kiss my face and we’re both drunk” reminds me of that trope where the gal pals only make out when they’re drunk because they’re convinced they’re actually straight. maybe karlie is one of those straight girls who only has so much capacity for wlw sex, meaning that it happens more often when she’s drunk than when sober.

i do not think that “this is why we can’t have nice things” is a direct karlie song. it may indirectly reference how karlie “broke” the “nice thing” that was their relationship by refusing to commit, but i don’t think that the song has anything substantive to show us about kaylor.

i’m not sure if i think “call it what you want” is a kaylor song. on some level, “fit like a daydream” does sound like eating disorder taylor idolizing karlie’s body, and it’s interesting to me how the subject of the song expresses virtually no devotion to taylor, whereas taylor spends the whole song telling the subject “call it what you want – call us girlfriends, gal pals, whatever you want as long as i can keep you.” this reminds me a bit of kaylor.

new year’s day

“don’t read the last page” because i know that this book has a sad ending. this relationship is doomed, and it’s going to end poorly. but let’s put that out of our minds – i’m to infatuated with you in this moment to think about how this will inevitably end.

“i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” – when karlie is “lost” (leaving taylor to go back to josh) or “turning away” from taylor to go back to josh, taylor stays. she’s scared that she’s going to lose karlie, but she’s still going to stay, because she’s willing to “waste her time” (don’t blame me) waiting for karlie to choose her.

“i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” – taylor is willing to stay through the mess of their imbalanced and un-reciprocal relationship even when that inevitably gets hard. their relationship is “wrong” because karlie is josh’s, and maybe kaylor was a mistake because of joshlie, but taylor doesn’t care – she loves karlie too much, so she’s going to stay and wait for karlie to choose her.

“i WANT your midnights” – implying that taylor does not currently have them, because karlie is not reciprocating the level of love taylor is giving and wants in return.

“hold on to the memories” implies that this relationship will be ending soon (because it is doomed), leaving karlie only memories to hold onto.

“i will hold onto you” – this goes back to the theme of taylor’s obsession. karlie is her drug – she’s addicted to her, and she will “waste her time” eternally waiting for karlie to choose her because she’s that obsessed with her.

“please don’t ever become a stranger” – why is taylor worrying about this? because the relationship is doomed, and becoming strangers feels like this horrible yet inevitable ending that will be a part of “the last page”

thanks for reading, and sorry about any typos!

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

SUBMISSION

I found this as part of my Insta ask era but let’s look over this for thoughts. Haven’t read it yet but I know anon was stressed it got lost (it did because y’all talk too much but also don’t stop I love it).

[pianolexcat]

hm. ok i need to like,, make some sort of fuckin,, guide to my account. 

carrd link

blogs

pianolexcat - main blog; i do whatever on here. original posts are usually half-assed, self-indulgent textposts like this. more often selfies or art.

frickfrackfuckoff - side blog; mostly just reblogging stuff i find funny, making less half-assed original textposts, and much more active than my main

pianolexspam - side-side blog; don’t rlly remember why i made it other than wanting to reblog current events/activism stuff without needing to put it on here, basically use it for that and also long tag games. I'll probably change the username and then use the pianolexspam one for just tag games, but idk.

voidphotos - aesthetic blog; self-explanatory again. you’ll likely see me reblogging pianolexcat posts/rbs on there because i keep forgetting that it exists + i want to post selfies on this one rather than the others that way ppl dont think i’m like, a catfish? idk

amellophone - band blog; as in like, marching/concert band. self-explanatory

neilscommentsection - funny comments from neil cicerega/lemon demon posts; also a submission blog, rlly want someone to help me run it tho because i keep forgetting to post on there lol 

pianolexcat-askbox - literally just exists so that asks get answers faster than ppl I reply to needing to wait for my queue on my other blogs, idk it was an impulse decision to make it

post tags

#void talking to the void - ramblings like this one. i don’t know what else to tag them with most of the time. haven’t seen any other voids on tumblr using it, so i figure it’s ok for both pianolexcat and frickfrackfuckoff. 

#pianolexcat server thing - i use this one to talk about my discord server or to post out of context screenshots from it. i there’s another similar tag i’ve used before (#pianolexcat discord thing) but i prefer this one.

#void selfie - placeholder tag for now; i can’t rlly think of anything better, but this is for pictures of me posted after the 12th of December, 2020 (day i’m writing this). I just want a consistent selfie tag because #my face attracts (probably fake) glucose guardians who don’t seem to realize that age of consent laws still apply on the internet, so i don’t rlly wanna use that one anymore lol

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 11 - “i am the balrog elder gay” - Kait

i am the balrog elder gay 

Losing Chloe BROKE ME. listning to Bye Bye mariah carey and crying!!! this is for the people who just lost somebody... SHOOT. I wanted her to blurt out more of her votes in tribe chats. RIP. a fallen Goddess...

SWEET BABY JESUS I GET A SECOND LIFE IN THIS GAME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! OMG I LOVE THE LAGOON RN! BUT HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN RETURN BECAUSE I HAVE A FEW PEOPLE TO STRIKE BACK AT.

I’m so dumb, completely missed the voting deadline, in my defense i was teaching, but still. Never again, its merge (maybe) and im not gonna jeopardise my game like that.

I'm glad we merged but two people are returning to the game? This has been the most cracked game I have ever played.

Renee and Chips have a chance to return. Between the both I hope Renee comes back. She was an ally for me and most probably work together again.

Go rennee!

---

boo chips

MERGEMERGEMERGEMERGE!!!! glad my zodiac sign is known for being loyal cause I sure ain’t. 

This challenge is always weird but i think if people tell me the truth i may have cancelled out some of my stuff im getting. M&M&M are good standings hopefully. I also trust kait thomas and timmy. Hopefully i can make itndeep in the game.

---

This challenge was a total meh i guess this works. Hopefully i win immunity. If not hopefully im not a target. My relationship with Madison may be rocky right now cuz i blindsided her tribe friend in another game. So im kinda nervous. Hopefully she doesnt pass it her vengence here and tries to take me out.  Im slightly worried a but for this tc.

This merge is a little different from my norm game, I usually have 2-4 alliance chats going but I don't have a single one so far this game.  All my deals have been side deals so far, I do not know if that is a good or bad thing as of this moment in time.  Corey did fill me in that there was an alliance being formed that included him, at least it's indicative of him wanting "The Bull and the Lion" to continue to work. I am also way to mentally drained to give a damn, I just needed to make a confessional to not strike. I worked for 14 hours today but I made 325 dollars and now only owe 4k on my student loans.  Thassss a win in my book even if I get voted out, I'm just gonna drink some beer, hold Jenifer and go to bed.  Good night Moon.

THANK GOD I WON IMMUNITY. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to stress out too much this round. Considering there are 14 of us, really anything could happen, but it's great to know that I will make it through at least one more round. The only key here is just making sure that I stay on the right side of the numbers. The line will most likely be drawn in the sand, so it's important that I stay on the right side of it. So far, I think the people that trust me the most are Ian, Corey, and Matt. I talk to them the most out of everyone, and I do trust them all to an extent, Corey and Ian the most. I would love to find a way to get all three of them on the same page, but I know that will be a heard feat. Next in line would probably be Maynor, Madison, and Kait. I talk to these three a good amount, but for some reason I am having a hard time putting my full faith into them. I talk to Owen a good amount too, but he is a MAJOR threat, and someone that I do not want to be in the game for too much longer if I'm going to have a chance to win. For this round, in an ideal world, Thomas would go home. But that seems too easy. I am hoping someone starts throwing names around, but if not, I guess it will have to be me.

WHY DOES MATT HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!  I genuinely wanted to work with him after first impressions, I bet he was the one who voted Taurus now.  My idol now has a name attached to it, so thanks for that Matt.  In a way, I guess you did end up working with me in some fashion.  Ideally this round goes down with a clear majority on Stephan and Corey can get his save a vote activated and I play the slow burn on good ole Matteo, I wanted to butt heads with Owen at merge, but Owen has been a delight while Matteo has been nothing but a thorn in my side.  

Phew child this merge! 14 people is so so so many and I did in fact vote out Adrian and Chloe, both people who I’ve worked with. I’m left in a really interesting spot because of the warzones it’s still hard to see who has a pattern of voting together. I feel that I’ve positioned myself to be in a lot of threesomes, and hopefully nobody really catches on to that? I know Kait is my number one currently and I have trust with Madison and Devon and Corey. But I’m also fully aware that everyone is a huge threat, and I have to downplay myself as one as well. Hopefully a stepehen vote will provide me with good positioning, as we’re removing someone I personally can’t reallt work with, and lessening the numbers. I also wanna really work with chips but I’m sure everyone was chomping at that bit! Who doesn’t want a bite of chips!

I wish I could put an image in this form bc the joke I’m about to make is so funny Anyways lol I told Kait about the idol I felt like I had to or else I’d break her trust if I ever used it. But THEN LOL SHE TOLD ME THAT matt also has one LMAO THAY HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!! So that meme I linked above is literally me and matt with our idols Here’s my prob tho I like l.... I have to tell matt bc he knows I guess the coordinate. So I guess that’s a thing that’ll happen

Finally have an alliance chat with Kait and Owen...it’s been so many rounds in the making tbh, it just needed to actually be made. I feel safer having that as well as us going to make one with Matt and Maynor as well, making sure that Matt is okay with it...Maynor already seems to be on board. The only name that’s been going around is Stephen so that kind of sucks because I wanted to work with him, but he isn’t around enough to try and rock the boat for in this game unfortunately. 

I found a hidden immunity idol which is awesome! Also, everyone has been silent this round after we decided on Stephen so that’s a bit suspicious 

This is a really hard round because I really like everyone. If any good came from it, it's that I solidified myself into a strong alliance that should be able to keep me safe for at least a few rounds. Corey did not seem to bite on my idea to vote out Owen. Matt says he is most threatened by Ian and Timmy. And everyone just seems to want to vote Stephen. I think this round will be pretty easy, but from this point on it just gets harder. I assume that Chips is in a bad spot and most likely will go next. But at final 12, it's going to be a doozy to see who can stay on top of the vote.

So thisrounf there is an alliance of 6 however I have 0 faith in Thomas. He is a wild card and will be hard to judge and work with. No idea what’s going to happen tonight. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Well. Tonight the vote is Stephen. Well, for the majority of us. For little young me, I will be voting for nobody! We acquiring a save vote. Hopefully, at our next tribal, Timmy leaves! Woo! I am in 2 alliances: Mighty Happy Meal (Owen, Kait, Madison, Devon, Thomas) and Queer Eye-ish (Madison, Matt, Trace). Period... I am loyal to my own people. Madison, Owen, Ian, Devon. Kait too, to an extent. The rest need to go at their time. I do what I can. Matt is a priority for me to get rid of. Unless Timmy wants Matt gone, I want him gone too for next time. x

Ep 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fEEBtT8R4hk_587qknbxwLmB8yhN_lt/view?usp=drivesdk

This is my placeholder confession for until I am at a computer and able to type something out. I got back in the game!

alyssa said put ep 11: just a quick recap bc i have to play this silly flash game now before i pass out - corey and matt allegedly not liking each other is still a problem - owen found an idol - i told owen matt has an idol bc i have a big mouth - corey told owen all this shit about the vote and idk just other game sensitive stuff and not me and - there's an aliens of trace, matt, madison, and corey that trace allegedly made. this is a big question mark bc either it's just really random and people that trace wants to work with despite what they said or this beef??? between matt and corey is fake which i wouldn't be too surprised by - corey told all of this to owen before tribal but told him that he was going to wait until after tribal to tell me like.... i don't appreciate that. - i think that kind of solidifies that if/when corey v matt happens and i have to pick a side i wanna go with my matt. - im sure i will think of more tomorrow oh also i want ian to get deleted from skype thx

EP 11 Confessional: I got an idol this round which is cool. I heard the vote was stephen however it’s been kinda quiet. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

[thenatureofpages]

Projects I'm Working On

Hello, fair folk of the internet!

I originally had a very different blog post planned for today, but as I was scrolling through previous blog posts it occurred to me: while I talk about the WIPs and novels I’m working on, I’ve never actually explained them.

On Twitter I have the hashtag #TheFictionList/#TFL and #SandCB for my projects, which brings up a few pitch preps for #TFL and me rambling about my disaster children for both.

I’m definitely going to be talking about The Fiction List more as the year goes on, as I’m pitching this June (hopefully – June or September) in PitMad on Twitter and will be querying over the rest of the summer. Eep! The madness will absolutely be updating on my blog and twitter, so I figured it’s high time to explain what they’re even about.

The Fiction List

When a teen book blogger has anxiety about senior year, she and fellow blogging friends decide to create a list – The Fiction List. A race to check off YA fiction stereotypes in their own lives leads to drama, chaos, and spectacular backfiring.

That’s the pitch I used for #NaNoWriterMatch (which honestly, I did not end up with a match but still had fun anyway :P) and I was honestly stunned by a few of the comments. Very special thanks to @daylightreads for saying you misread my tweet and tried to find the book on Goodreads- I floated on that compliment for the rest of the week.

ANYWHO, TFL is an enemies-to-lovers YA Contemporary with sarcasm, book blogging, and the power of friendship (as cheesy as it sounds). It’s a bit of a love letter to the online book community and how easily the online world can bleed into the offline world. And enemies to lovers, because, duh, it’s me writing it. All of my books are that way (because it’s cutest trope ever and I will die on this hill).

This is the book I’m pitching and to be completely honest, I’m struggling with writing it right now. I’m on draft three, technically – I wrote half of a draft two last Camp NaNo before taking a break which turned into a forever-break. I love writing first drafts, they’re the most fun and freeing – but the rest of the drafts? They actually have to be good and make sense and I struggle with this, lol!

I also made some aesthetics for the story and a Pinterest board! Because procrastination powers.

The Cast

(these descriptions were taken straight from Twitter, which is why my writing is sooo much more casual lol!)

Zinnia Prow: She is a stressy mess (we stan) & a blogger with a rebellious streak wider than her bookshelves. While she has anxiety, she isn’t afraid to stand up to sarcasm or people who are wrong. She would do anything for friends, even fly across the world. She’s the protagonist and the sole POV!

Natalia Moretti: Natalia is one of Zinn’s best friends in the world and is an Italian book blogger! She would rather jump off a cliff than admit she’s wrong and has a very deadpan, sarcastic sense of humor. Has a crush on Austen despite her better judgment and the voice of reason(ish??? barely)

Austen Jacobson: Austen is a Mess and YouTube sensation, BFFs with Zinn and Nat. He rarely gets enough sleep from staying up late drawing or practicing for hockey. Excitable and likely to rush into something without thinking, his home life ain’t great but he’s workin’ on it. dramatic as heckkk

Kyson Jennings: My autumn-obsessed soft boi, Kyson’s the love interest and sarcastic as HECK. He will adamantly deny being Soft if confronted but we know the truth. He’s dEtErMiNeD and has a fear of failure. Zinnia annoys him on a daily basis and it’s a while before they can stand each other ^-^

A few of the other reoccuring characters are Mia, one of Zinnia’s friends throughout all of high school with her but starting to drift away, Poppy, Zinnia’s overly serious younger sister with her feet firmly on the ground instead of head in the clouds, Forest, her older brother in a college two hours away, and Atticus, one of the boys in book club. And the elusive AKinderSea, a popular bookstagrammer who posts fROM her scHOOL?

Basically, all the geekiness.

Sunflowers and Combat Boots

Going to be completely honest and say this title has absolutely nothing to do with the story. I put it in as a placeholder for a Pinterest board and never changed it.

S&CB is about a dysfunctional superhero family who basically kinda accidentally adopts a villain. There’s a lot of arguing, sarcasm, and double-crossing. And – come on, everyone, say it with me – enemies to lovers.

Here’s the aesthetic board and the Pinterest board!

The Cast

(this book has a much bigger cast and rather than one POV and one main character, there’s six or seven!)

Daisy Dean: softest of the soft, very smol bean, easily flustered and also easily annoyed, hobbies include photography and annoying Riley; superpower: hovering a foot off the ground

Riley Lopez: the Most sarcastic, causes his author a lot of internal screaming because he’s very suave and flirty and we all know those are skills I’m lacking, good at fixin’ stuff, hobbies include guitar, skipping school, and equally annoying the heck outta Daisy; superpower: electricity (spoiler alert that’s not actually a spoiler at all: he’s the villain)

Roman Youngsley: very introverted, carries the weight of everyone in the group, can’t have any physical contact due to his power developing too early and causing pain for all those involved, loves drawing but would rather die than show people his art; superpower: invisibility

Ginnie Waters: unapologetically herself, very stubborn and slightly fiery, still enjoys the monkey bars even though she’s twenty and can touch the ground, talks with her hands a lot, works for an anti-Superhero organization and gives the information back to Roman

Trip Hurst: joined the group later than the rest so often overlooked, very soft but sarcastic sense of humor, will do anything for his family even if that means defecting to the other side for information (*cough* not….that it happens ofc *cough*)

A few of the other reoccurring characters are Alexa, the adopted guardian for most of these disaster children who’s Literally The Worst, Kitt, Daisy’s boyfriend (at least at the beginning), Jaxson, Riley’s best friend who’s a terrible influence, and Blackwell, the leader of the group that riots against anti-Superhero movements and also is The Worst.

The whole novel is just a lot of sarcastic banter, wittiness, and probably not enough plot because I’m too busy dealing with the characters personalities. This book will probably never see the light of sun because I’m writing it purely for fun with zero interest in publishing, so that way it can be as trope-y and weird as I please.

So those are my main two projects I’m currently working on, with a couple others happening in the background. There’s a novel I’m lightly plotting with a friend and one in the back of my head I might do for NaNo 2021, but for now my main priority is TFL!

What projects are you working on? What’s your favorite trope to include in your writing? Let me know in the comments! I loveeee reading about story ideas and would absolutely be up to chat about them. Make sure to follow me on Twitter and Instagram for more updates!

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[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Jesus and I ended up talking for literally hours and hours after wr stopped playing with nikita and Amelia. We talked about anything from past relationships to aliens, the apocalypse and angels. It was so nice to just discuss things and listen to his theories while I said mine. I finally got to call him out on his bs with calling me booty and then complimenting others and he admitted that he does it on purpose. I also made him realize that when he plays those little games of keeping me worried and doubting the things he says he loses my trust and though its in his nature to be lke that he will work on it. Its really interesting because a while ago i told him the energy i feel from him is 'mischief, chaos, and like delight'. He feels so mercury and gemini to me i can't explain why i feel that from him. He agreed that that is how he feels most of the time. We talked about astrology for a while and i mentioned that there's a woman who does the dark side of signs and he said lets watch it together and internally at first i didn't want to because i just didn't want to feel vulnerable like that but i realized i needed to because i have to step out and face my truth again and this would show me and him that i trusted him. I think it really dies matter to him that i show watch mine and his with me. I try to keep my feelings in check because i want him to realize that I am good for him but that being friends will be so much better. He talked about how he distances himself from me because he is afraid that he will meet a good thing as im number 2 in his cycle of meeting people? He mentioned thus before how he meets 4 good people then after that he meets the 5th person where they are too great and its amazing and then it ends badly but idk if he does says this just to play me and make me feel like i need to compete and shit because i didn't feel good when he said that. Life okay....so im number 2 and you're gonna move on and then find someone who makes you forget everyone else...lije what does that mean for me? I no longer exist in your life? I was just a placeholder for someone else. Tbh thinking about this nakes me realize this us my karma. My last relationship i kinda did something similar to my ex in the end. He thought i was the perfect one for him but i knew he wasn't that he was just a lesson and here i am, Jesus' lesson. I always feel like im preparing him and though i wish it was for me but I need to be at peace with whatever happens and it hurts but this is my lesson for those i hurt. Being on the other end sucks! Man i really need to reassess how i treat the men in my life because i srs be leading them on then ghost on them like its never because im actively trying to ghost i just get caught up in my life and forget about them. Then again i am allowed to be selfish. I don't owe anyone my time and attention but i do need to know hoe to navigate them better. As jesus and i talked it was nice to finally hear him say that he learned a lot from me and this told me that he does respect me and value my opinion. It was just so...good to hear and sincere said it and its not something he says often it felt much more sincere. But i will not get consumed by him. I need to focus on myself and grow and be the best version of myself. I know when we meet he will be taken aback because i can't take pictures worth shit lol so i can never show people my beauty but when we meet most are like you look more beautiful in person and im lke yeah i know (x. I at the same time don't think we will meet. Idk im scared about what it will be like. We've talked for so long it feels like ill be nervous and shy and he'll be like 'i heard you pee why u so nervous for lul'. I wish i could have my teeth fixed before he snd i meet. I want to have the perfect smile and tho i like my smile i know know will look better if it was fixed. Anyways im excited to get braids in. It's gonna be super long and probably eitger red or blond brown. Or black with those gold pieces in it. Im torn between getting it professionally done but it might be good to do it myself so i can get better at it. I really want this trip to happen in new york and im super excited because because Wil make it happen. I watched dbz suer with Jesus and omg im super excited for next week lol next week i work a lot and i did rest pretty well so i think i will be prepared to take it on. I work really hard and im so proud of myself. I am trying my best to grow, learn from my mistakes and help others as well. I really do enjoy my life with its ups and downs and im grateful that i have great people in my life. I am excited to see what life shows me and i will keep growing. I wish peace and love to those who are hurt. I love you. I love myself so very much.