#living alone and all family in another country does that

[eirianerisdar]

Living room and entranceway finally done!

Details:

And an SF-23 diagram for the room corridor (kindly gifted by the artists of the big poster):

[deplcythebattery]

just started going through my clothes (stored in breathable storage things under the bed) for summer stuff. the mold situation in our apartment has thus far only been the outer walls, but now all my clothes reek of mold which means our mattress which is against an inner wall is about to be contaminated thoroughly if it already hasn't been. this apartment is a fucking nightmare and it keeps getting worse.

[jujusjunk]

You know what’s really fucked up

I’ve been standing up for Palestine for years now, literal years, for fucks sake I am a Palestinian, I center Palestinians. And just because I come to a different conclusion than the majority, or I find out about something that was actually really hard for me to come to terms but is true, I have gotten over 30 death threat anons in the last 3 hours, cursing me for:

1. Humanizing Israelis

2. Humanizing Jews

3. Having a conversation with a Jew (that was months ago yet somehow it’s news now)

4. That Jew being Israeli

5. Having a convo with a different Jew

6. That Jew not being Israeli (they actually got mad that a talked to a non Israeli Jew)

7. Calling myself a Palestinian (even though I am one…)

8. Wanting peace

9. Not encouraging the Hezbollah-Israel war BECAUSE I DONT WANT MORE DEATH (and I’m in Lebanon and I swear I’m gonna pass out if I hear about another bomb)

10. Existing

11. Not wanting death in both sides (it’s ok if I don’t want death on the Palestinian but the second I also don’t want death in the Israeli side suddenly I’m a mastermind spy that’s been working against Palestinians since day 1)

I would like to remind everyone:

IM A PALESTINIAN. Just because I’ve had conversations with Israelis, just because I view them as humans deserving of life, just because I genuinely see no problem living side by side with them, just because I don’t want to kill them all.

DOESNT MEAN I SUPPORT WHAT ISRAEL (the government BY THE WAY) DOES. I can criticize a country without actively wanting to mass murder its people, without actively wanting to make their individual lives hell for being born into said country (which they can’t control JUST LIKE I CANT CONTROL BEING BORN INTO A PALESTINIAN FAMILY WITH FAMILY IN GAZA)

For fucks sake please, I beg, leave me alone, please.

[drenched-in-sunlight]

i don’t think it’s talked about enough that the reason there’s a Godwyn ending where he becomes a Lord (not a God) is because symbolically, he was mirroring Godfrey in more than just name.

Godwyn’s alive body sprouting fish tail and scales isn’t just a random design choice, it’s a reference to Confucius' The Book of Rites, where it’s stated that the subjugation of the Four Divine Beasts will grant the person who tamed them different kind of control:

- Dragon -> control over animals with scales (specifically, FISH. See?)

- Qilin (Lion) -> control over beasts (think of how the Hornsent coveting the power of the Crucibles via the lion dance ritual. The “lion” in lion dance is Qilin in the native language of Asian countries that celebrate that tradition. And it’s why Godfrey’s symbol is a lion, why lion imagery plays such important role in Elden Ring world)

- Phoenix -> control over birds

- Turtle -> control over the heart of men (this might be a reach but Miquella’s connection to the Carian family and thus, the Turtle Pope could be a nice parallel to this)

in Godfrey’s cut dialogues, he said “Dearest Marika is precisely what I must take back” and “Dear Marika, do not fear. I am returned.”, and even without all that, The Talisman of Lord’s Bestowal stated that Godfrey accepted his duty without any sign of wavering, even taking Serosh upon his back so he could conduct himself as a Lord worthy of her. Bro, he loves that girl, he passed Messmer’s vibe check with flying colors.

For Godwyn to be a fruit of such a loving union, i do think Godfrey instilled in him a sense of duty to protect his Mother, and there’s his own love and devotion to her as well. Leyndell Knights all use Dragon Cult incantations and buffs - the kind of power that is only available to them because Godwyn befriended Fortissax (which is why i said that move has an ulterior motive to it).

All of that brings me to this main point I’m trying to make: does Godwyn really that devoid of agency?

I see it’s a popular interpretation in the fandom that oh Godwyn was just a symbol, he had no voice, we never knew what he wanted, etc etc… Do we really not know though?

Sorry for slapping another fandom on this, but this is really relevant to my understanding of Elden Ring as a story, even with the base written by a Western author, was developed by a Japanese team of storytellers and designers:

The concept of soul - body and body snatching etc etc exists a lot in Asian media, and there’s always a general consensus that the body remembers even as the soul perishes. What is Godwyn’s body is doing? The game specifically states that his body is alive. He only perishes in soul.

He was infesting the Erdtree’s roots, spreading Death around like free real estate. If he wanted to let go of life, of his Mother, his body should have just let go on its own. But no, he was tenaciously clinging to the Erdtree, to Marika.

Even Fortissax remembrance stated that despite its best effort, it could not fight back the Death within its friend. If Godwyn really, truly wanted to embrace a true death, would his body just let Fortissax fight alone in an uphill battle like that?

Then there is the DLC revealed that Godwyn’s personal knights were in LoS to find and guard his cadaver surrogate, specifically for the Age of the Duskborn. Their helm stated that their loyalty to him is unbroken. So will they just go and do something that their Master would not want?

These Knights are literally an elite circle that was bestowed the most precious of jewels in Godfrey’s time (the +3 medallions), they aren’t merely good, they are the very best. They are Godwyn’s inner circle the same way the Fire Knights are said to be the ones who know Messmer best.

Even if you think Fia and Those Who Lived in Death were just taking advantage of Godwyn’s death… her endgame goal technically did not even succeed. She wanted to be Mother to TWLiD, but the ending very much shows that the Mending Rune was returned to Marika’s womb. It’s her who would birth Godwyn a second life, so the True Mother™ to TWLiD… would actually be Marika 💀

Like, am i the only one who saw this as some real crazy 4D chess Uno reverse move from Godwyn? Oh these ppl wanted to get rid of him then took advantage of his body? Fine, he would take that challenge and run a mile with it. If Age of Duskborn came, it meant Ranni didn’t succeed, Fia didn’t actually get to be Mother of TWLiD, Death - the very thing that Marika tried to seal, would now be something within her control, because Godwyn is its Lord now. Exactly like how the Dragons’ power became something wielded in Marika’s favor in the end. Thanks to him.

In the Duskborn ending, bro, the God would still be Marika. It’s the only possible new Age involving a demigod that doesn’t get rid of her. Even if it utilize heretical powers to get there.

And the crazier thing? This is not the first time Fromsoft did this, btw.

[peanutpinet]

The Bat & Dove - Jeno Mafia (racer) x fem reader

Synopsis: In the public’s eye, NCT was just like any other celebrity agency with some of the neos being actors, famous racers, athletes, and other public figures. Jeno was one of the racers of NCT in front of the public but behind all of the public’s eye and cameras was an introverted yet smart racer who could memorise every single track that he had been on and could calculate anything he targeted. But one thing that he couldn’t figure out was his feelings towards a certain modest girl.

Warnings: Floof before the storm, cursing, drug usage, kidnapping inflicting pain, illegal fight, racing, near rape themes, angst, torture, dub-con

A/N: I swear Jeno has suddenly gotten me writing a long-ass fic for him and about mafia :)) I ain't complaining cause The Bat Video and Performance is just 🤌🏼 Also, if any of you have been here since my first few NCT fics, this is a slight spin-off of Taeyong x Medic Girl fic (my 3rd NCT fanfic). And now, your author shall go back and figure out another fic whilst attending SMtown on Saturday :]

Taeyong x Medic Girl: pt 1

Never did you think that in your whole life, you would be flying in a first-class seat heading towards Milan, Italy with your boyfriend of one year, Jeno Lee, the famous racer in South Korea. The one who would always win the race no matter the circumstances.

You and Jeno met almost 2 years ago when you were working part-time for your local cafe and had to cover for your friend who always does the night shift. It was your first night shift and everything was going well until you had to close up for the night.

You were taking out the trash when there were a gang of drunk college students who tried to touch you when you clearly had no energy to fight back. Luckily enough, Jeno and his friends were right around the corner when it happened and something about that night, Jeno who is typically a rather quiet, introverted member of NCT decided to fight back.

Jeno managed to stop the college students before they did anything further. Jeno looked over towards you and nudged you to go back inside of the cafe which you did without questioning him. Not long after, Jeno came into the cafe to check up on you.

Seeing his slightly bruised knuckles, you told Jeno to sit down and helped clean his injuries and wounds. After that incident, Jeno decided to watch you from afar whenever you had night shift and the rest was basically history.

You weren’t someone who came from an elite family at all. Instead, you came from a simple family that earns slightly more than enough to live. When you met Jeno, you were in your final semester of university and working part-time to earn some sort of whereas he was already a well-known racer in the country.

Shortly after you graduated, Jeno asked you to be his girlfriend and even managed to help you get a job that pays you well to help your parents. Even though you can earn on your own now, Jeno would still shower you with gifts that you had always wanted and more. Jeno would also often invite you to hang out with him and his friends, to get to know his group so that you would have some company whenever you attend his races.

But this time, it was an international race and Jeno insisted that you come because he had an extra ticket to watch his racing but also he wanted you to be able to explore other parts of the world with him. You were always there for him after a long day and would always take care of him without knowing much and he wants to return the favour. But also seeing you smile just brightens Jeno’s day.

Upon reaching the hotel, Jeno asked if you were alright to stay and sleep in the same room with him because he’s worried whenever you’re alone which you were alright but you nervously told him that you had never slept on the same bed with a guy before.

“Don’t worry, love. If you’re nervous, I can ask to change our room to two separate beds. I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just worry whenever you’re alone but I promise that I’ll give you all the privacy you need” Jeno mentioned, putting both your suitcases as you explore the huge room that you’re not used to at all

“Jen, there’s no need to. I trust you. I trust that you won’t cross my boundaries. Plus, this room is huge, there’s more than enough space to have some sort of privacy” you replied, looking out the view from the balcony of the room

“I’m glad that you trust me so much. I promise that I’ll make this trip unforgettable” Jeno mumbled, back hugging you as he kissed the side of your temple, nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck

Because you were staying for a full week, the first 2 days were just filled with you and Jeno exploring the city, occasionally getting lost together but stumbled upon some sort of local cafe or even park. By the 3rd day, Jeno had his race and had already been preparing since early in the morning, not forgetting to kiss your forehead and left a note before he left.

Waking up to a lighter bed, you found a box with a note attached to it. “I got it before I asked you to come with me because either way, you would eventually come. I hope that you’ve been enjoying your holiday because I know that I have. You have always been so caring and loving to me. I know that I’ve spoiled you here and there but just this one time, throughout our time in Milan, let me spoil you like a princess. Let me show you how much I care and adore you because I know that you’re the one for me. Go on, princess, put on your gown and come to be my good luck charm so that I can show you how much you mean to me” - your little puppy disguised as a wolf

Opening the box, you were shocked to see a gorgeous white buttoned dress matched with a simple handbag and shoes. Taking a picture of the box and note, you sent it to Jeno who almost replied immediately and texted you that he had hair & makeup on their way along with breakfast. Jeno also mentioned to Renjun, Yangyang, and Shotaro would be there to pick you up since Haechan and Jaemin were with him.

After you’ve gotten your hair & makeup done, you hear a knock on your door and when you open it, it was Renjun, Yangyang and Shotaro, just as Jeno mentioned. You thanked the hair & makeup team as they left your room as the 3 men waited for you to finish your breakfast which you offered to them.

“Don’t worry about us, we already had breakfast a while ago” Renjun mentioned

“Are you excited to see Jeno race in an international competition?” Yangyang asked and you shyly nod. “Jeno was right when he said that you were shy. But it’s alright. Just enjoy yourself during this trip. Come on, let’s go!! The race is gonna start soon” Yangyang exclaimed as you took your things and headed out with the 3 males.

Arriving at the racing track, you and the 3 males went to the designated seat which were in a nice middle spot to see the entire track and you could even see your boyfriend getting ready by the pit stop with his other friends, Jaemin and Haechan.

As the announcer mentioned that the race was about to start, all the racers went to their designated cars to get ready to race.

Jeno’s POV

“Remember, it’s that one over there, number 712. The copycat as I like to name them” Haechan mentioned, nudging towards the racer and car that was already by the track

“Hmm. I’ve been eyeing them since the moment they stepped foot in this place” I replied, putting on his glove and taking my helmet from Jaemin

“Don’t interact when unnecessary. We’re just here to make sure that they’re not going to pull anything today. But just in case, there’s an emergency box underneath your seat. Plus, Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo hyung are in the area to watch over” Jaemin mentioned

“I know. I’m not worried about what’ll happen to us. I’m more worried about (y/n)” I mentioned, turning around to see (y/n) in the crowd with the others

“She’ll be alright. The 3 of them are with her. Yangyang is a skilful shooter, Shotaro is amazing in combat and Renjun is a doctor + hacker. Plus, as Jaemin mentioned, our three reliable hyungs are here. There’s nothing to worry about” Haechan mentioned, shrugging

“Keep an eye on their team, I’ll deal with the driver” I replied, putting on my helmet and driving towards the track

Before the race actually started, I kept a close eye on the target that Taeyong-hyung instructed.

Flashback

“I received news that our copycat gang will be racing in the Italian Grand Prix which you will also be attending along with the 00 liners” Taeyong mentioned, pushing the information towards me

“What do you need us to do? Kill them? Kidnap them? Take them down? Expose them?” I questioned, flipping through all the information that Taeyong gave

“They’re known as a fraud. They tend to pretend to be one of our gang because no one truly knows who is part of our main gang like you in Dream, WayV, 127, aside from me, Mark and Kun being the leaders since it would only just be the 3 of us whenever we go to meetings. Take them down. Expose them as the frauds they are. But don’t. kill. them.” Taeyong mentioned and I closed the information looking back at our leader

“Why would you think that I would kill them?” I asked, raising my eyebrow

“Because you’re going with your girlfriend. And I’m sure that whatever happens to her, you’re not going to sit tight. You’re probably going to see red everywhere and without thinking, you might actually kill one of them upon sight. I know my members, Jeno. You’re one of them that never misses a shot. You’re also quiet and reserved but you pay attention to every detail. That’s why nothing ever gets missed by you. Especially when it comes to your girlfriend” Taeyong explained, sipping on his coffee

“Nothing will happen to her. And how did you know that I was going to bring (y/n)?!” I asked

“Like I said, I know my members. But take it from someone who also has a significant other whilst being part of this, even though my girlfriend is part of our world, one thing for sure is that we will never be alright with them getting hurt. But the job is just as important, Jeno. I’m not saying that you neglect your girlfriend. I just want you to know that unless it’s just the two of you or it’s a completely cornered situation, don’t abandon or change your mission. I also have DoJaeJung to come with you since they’ll be attending their respective brands’ event” Taeyong mentioned. “So, I hope to not hear any killing. Not until you bring them back to me alive at least” Taeyong added on

Back to the Present

As I remembered my conversation with Taeyong hyung, the race finally started and I stepped on the gas, hard. Not only was my goal to win this race but I wasn’t going to let some frauds use our group’s name and get all the credit. No, I was going to make them look bad.

As I was halfway through my laps, I started to hear that other drivers and their cars were being hijacked and thus injuring the drivers. “Jen, that copycat of a group hijacked the other cars since they were the first to come. But Jaemin and I have already checked your car and removed everything that wasn’t supposed to be there. Yet, it looks like he knows that nothing is happening to your car so he’s catching up on you” I heard Haechan comment in my ear-in

“They don’t know that we’re actually part of NCT, right?” I asked, eyeing from my mirror and seeing the 712 guy catching up

“Nope. Just as Taeyong-hyung mentioned, they only know that you’re Lee Jeno the undefeatable racer from South Korea. They have no idea that you’re the Jeno Lee from NCT” Haechan replied

“Good. I’ll give them something to be worried about” I scoffed, stepping on the gas and seeing that 712 was still catching up through my left side and was leaning in until I saw the opportunity and put my car in reverse and went past their car as they hit the wall and I continued on and win the race

Going out of my car, I took off my helmet and was welcomed with a big hug from Haechan and Jaemin along with a wild roar from the crowd as the announcer announced that I was the winner. After taking a bow towards the crowd, I scanned through them and saw (y/n) who looked relieved to see me. Her smile was something that I noticed made me feel better throughout the past few days here and I would never want that genuine smile to ever turn to something else in a split second.

After the award ceremony was over, I shook hands with the other racers, thanking them for a good race up until Mr. 712 came and ruined the mood.

“Lee Jeno, is it?” 712 exclaimed, his team was trying to hold him back as Jaemin, Haechan and I just looked at them with a bored yet annoyed look that intimidated them

“Yes. And you are?” I questioned, raising my eyebrow

“The name is Brad. My team and I are part of NCT of the US branch” Brand proclaimed as Haechan scoffed

“Do you even know what NCT is? It’s South Korea’s mafia gang that managed to get the other mafia gang in the world at peace with how diverse the members are” Haechan explained as Jaemin slightly elbowed him

“Of course we know that. How do you think they were able to expand to the US? It was because of us. I just want to let you know that what you did back there was not cool and just you wait until the rest of our members here about this” Brand exclaimed

“Then why did you try to close in on me first? You were the one who started it, I was just merely getting myself away from any potential risks that could happen because of you. So don’t go around and blame me for what you started” I scoffed, slightly towering over the self-proclaimed NCT member

“Jeno!” I heard Renjun exclaim and as we all turned around, we saw Renjun, Yangyang, Shotaro and (y/n) coming towards us

“Is, is it a bad time?” I heard (y/n) mumbled but I softly grabbed her hand and rubbed her hand

“No, don’t worry. We were just done here” I replied, giving (y/n) my signature smile

“It was a good race, Brad. Hope that what happened today won’t happen ever again” I mentioned as I pull (y/n) to my side as all of us left the track

Back at the hotel, we all went to freshen up and had dinner together to celebrate my win and all but just being with (y/n) eases my clouded thoughts of Brad and the way that he looked at (y/n) when she came with the other members.

“Jen, eat up. You must be tired” (y/n) mentioned, nudging a spoon of mashed potatoes towards me which I smiled and ate the food she fed me

“Don’t worry babe, I was just driving, am not tired at all” I smiled at her as I fed her some pasta which she happily eat, showing off her little chipmunk cheeks

“Still, you woke up so early for the race. Eat up and then rest, okay?” (y/n) mentioned and I nodded

“Don’t talk about me when you haven’t eaten much at all young lady. I will not have you going back home without enjoying yourself. Now eat” I playfully threatened, feeding (y/n) some more food

“So this is your excuse for not helping me back there is because you got food for your girl?! No offense (y/n) but your man here is a selfish little ass because he clearly could’ve placed more food on the plate but noooo” Haechan dramatically complained, sitting next to (y/n) but I pulled her seat closer towards me

“You want food, Haechan? If I get you some and shove it down to your mouth, would you stop pestering my girlfriend?” I somewhat threatened and eyeing the playful boy but (y/n) held my hand to stop me. “Jen, stop. Haechan was just being playful” (y/n) warned me, her tone was scarier than usual that I instantly soften my looks

The rest of dinner went by quicker and by the end of it, we all drank a bit of alcohol which to (y/n) it was just another celebration but to the rest of us, it was to calm our nerves because after tonight, the real work actually begins.

Once dinner was over, we all went back to our own rooms just as me and (y/n) held hands together to our room. In the comfort of our room, I let loose of my colder exterior and hugged (y/n) from behind as she was in the bathroom and was trying to remove her makeup.

“Jen, I need to remove my makeup, if you want to hug me, you better not move unless you want me to go blind as I remove my eye makeup” (y/n) reminded me and we stayed in the position for a while

“Can’t help it babe, you’re gorgeous. I knew that dress would accentuate your beauty. Plus, you look hot when you’re slightly angry” I mumbled, kissing the back of (y/n)’s neck, nuzzling behind her as I hear her let out a breathy sigh

“Jen” (y/n) called out to me, turning around to face me as her back was pressed against the bathroom counter. “You drank quite a lot, didn’t you?” (y/n) asked, cupping my face

“Nope. I didn’t” I replied because it was true. “I’m sober” I added on, holding one of her palm and kissing it

“What’s wrong jen? Tell me. You don’t normally drink like you did today. You would drink in sips not in shots” (y/n) asked. She truly do know me well

Sighing, I hugged her waist while she softly stroked my hair which helped calm me better than the alcohol. After a while, I pulled away and gently lifted her to place her on the countertop so it would be easier to talk.

“Just some things on my mind, angel. How I worry whenever you’re alone without me. Not in a possessive kind. How I worry that my job might get in between us” I stated, there was some truth to it

“Jen. You don’t have to worry about me. You know that I’m okay with being alone sometimes. Even though it feels more homey and comfy with you. And don’t worry about your job getting in between us. I know how hard you’re working so that I don’t have to but I know you let me work so I can have my own savings as well. And for that I really wanna thank you and appreciate you. How you would often send my parents some money as well. You know, my parents asked me if you’ve popped the question and I told them that we’re young and we want to enjoy and explore many things together first” (y/n) replied, making me smile

“I’m glad that your parents approve of me. In their own way of course. And I will pop the question one day because I really can’t see myself with anyone else. You never question me or push me to be someone else. You would always be there and wait until I was ready to talk which makes me more comfortable and want to talk to you more. How has Milan been, little dove?” I confessed

“Dove?” (y/n) asked and I just chuckled. “Yea. Because how soft and pure you are. How you’re basically my peace, love to explore and enjoy your freedom whilst also giving your love to me. So, how has Milan been?” I explained

“It’s incredible because you were the one that brought me here. You’re the one that insist that I come and I’m glad you convinced me to because this is just as magical and as romantic as people describe Paris” (y/n) mentioned, placing her hands on my neck, slightly massaging it

“Good. I’m glad that you’ve been enjoying yourself a lot because I have a little gift for you. Since you already planned our first year anniversary back home. I decided to plan my own but in Milan. Here” I mentioned, pulling out a little box that I got so early in the morning and opened it which has a dainty necklace with 3 rings that were linked together and was custom-made since the gold ring had a custom small nct logo embossing on it as Taeyong’s request for all of us when we have a significant other.

“Jen….that’s expensive!! My whole outfit is already expensive enough. I can’t..” (y/n) complained but I sushed her by softly kissing her forehead

“Nonsense, dove. Nothing is as expensive as you yourself. You’re priceless. I want to because I want something for you to always remember me and our moment here in Milan” I softly replied. “May I?” I asked if it was alright to put the necklace on her and she nodded

Helping her down, (y/n) turned around, and held her hair as I gently put the necklace around her and locking it which to me, it symbolizes that I’m locked on her and as a reminder that she was my significant other and under nct’s protection.

“It’s beautiful, Jen. You really didn’t have to” (y/n) mumbled, admiring the necklace as I put my hands around her waist, admiring her through the mirror

“You’re beautiful. Can I kiss you? I know that you’re still shy when it comes to physical things and I completely understand if…” I rambled as (y/n) let go of my hold and turned around, softly pecking my lips

“With you, I think I’ve slowly tried to let loose more and enjoy every moment” (y/n) smiled which made me smile and gently cupped her face and leaned to finally close the gap between us. Something that I never imagine we would do during the beginning of our relationship.

As time pass, our kiss grew from something soft like the small waves by the beach, I slowly grew needier and slowly deepen the kiss, one of my hand was by her waist and one of (y/n)’s hair was going through my hair.

Before it can go any further, I pulled away first and softly caressed (y/n)’s cheek, making sure that she was alright with it. “Are you okay? Sorry, I got carried away. We can stop here if you want. And we can just end the night by cuddling whilst watching your favorite Disney movies” I suggested but was shocked by (y/n)’s sudden eagerness as she pulled my neck and our foreheads were touching

“Jen. I’m okay. I trust you, Nono. You have my green light” (y/n) replied which excited me that I kissed her forehead, cheek and jawline. “Tell me whenever you’re uncomfortable at any point, tell me, okay?” I asked but all I got was a nod so I gently pinched (y/n)’s chin. “Use your words, dove. I won’t continue anything if you don’t use your words” I whispered by her ear, hearing her softly whimper for the first time.

“I will, Jen. I’ll tell you if I feel uncomfortable” (y/n) softly moaned as I nibbled her ear. “Just call me, Nono, okay? I want you to feel comfortable. You’ll let me treat you, won’t you?” I mumbled, kissing right below (y/n)’s ear. “Yes, Nono”

Taking one more glance at (y/n), I licked my lips before diving in and kissing her as if that it would be the only time I get to. Without warning, I lifted her and wrapped her legs around my waist without detaching our lips and brought us to the bed where I sat down and let (y/n) sit on my lap.

As the atmosphere was getting hotter, I started to take off my jacket and unbutton my shirt which didn’t go unnoticed by (y/n) who softly pulled away to allow me to take off my top with more space. “Go ahead, dove, take it off” I stated, pushing some of (y/n)’s hair back

Though (y/n) was hesitant at first, I softly grabbed her hands and guided them and took off my shirt, leaving my bare chest for her to see. Seeing her flustered self was adorable because she looked so pure yet curious that I guided her hand on my chest before cupping her cheek and kissing her, ending our night on a much softer yet romantic note.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up after a bad dream that something happened to (y/n). Looking beside me, I saw her figure sleeping soundly with my hoodie which made me feel relieved.

Unable to sleep, I decided to reply to some messages from Taeyong and the other members back in South Korea regarding the trip, any updates and progress. As I was replying to the other members and the group chat, Taeyong suddenly called me. Thankfully my phone was on do not disturb so I wouldn’t wake (y/n) up.

Answering the phone call, I went over towards the balcony so as to not disturb my girlfriend. “Hyung? Is everything alright?” I asked, closing the door to the balcony

“I should be the one asking you. Why are you up this early in the morning? Something happened?” Taeyong asked but I just chuckled

“No. Everything has been going great actually. I won the race, I spent my first year anniversary and gave (y/n) the necklace yet…” I rambled but Taeyong seemed to know more

“You’re worried that things will go to a wrong turn and you’ll end up hurting her and yourself. I know Jeno. I know how. you might feel. Why do you think I sent other members with you? 3 of them being your seniors” Taeyong replied

“Hyung…” I started but Taeyong didn’t let me continue. “I know how you might feel. I know that you want to enjoy your time with her and I’m sorry that you have to take part in this mission but that’s why I sent members with you. To keep you company, to support one another, and to help each other when things go for a wrong turn. She has the necklace with her so even in other countries, the mafia knows to not touch her. Plus, since we’re not the mafias’ enemies, they would help. Just so you know, the Italian mafia is going to be at the Ferragamo dinner tomorrow and I’ve already let them in on you being our representative. If anything were to happen to you or (y/n), they can help. Since they also are looking to take down that fraud of a group since one of them claims to be part of the Italian mafia” Taeyong explained

“Some cocky bastards they are” I scoffed, making Taeyong chuckled. “It’s going to be alright Jeno. And one day, when you do tell (y/n) everything, we’ll be there to help however we can. And remember…” Taeyong hyung mentioned. “Don’t kill them until I bring them back to you. Alive. I know. I won’t” I replied. “Good. Get some rest Jeno, I wish you all the best. If anything were to actually happen, I would know so you won’t have anything to worry about. I and the others would never abandon one another. Neo always got our back, okay? Good night, Jeno” Taeyong hyung replied, turning off the call

Smiling to myself, I quietly went back into the room but as I went back to the bed, my sudden weight must’ve shocked (y/n) that she woke up. “I’m so sorry, dove, did I accidentally wake you up?” I whispered, stroking her hair

“Nono? Are you okay? Why are you awake in the first place?” (y/n) asked as she slowly sat up on the bed but I pulled her close so her head was laying on my chest

“Had a bad dream and was replying to my work friends in South Korea” I replied as (y/n) hummed

“Dove. I want you to know that I love you so fucking much. That I would never abandon you and would never leave you completely alone” I started which confuses (y/n). “Jen, what are you talking about? Why are you talking as if something were to happen to you?” (y/n) asked, her face looking towards me with worry

“I just have a feeling, dove. Like I said, I worry that my job would get between us. With what I’m doing, there are actually other things that you haven’t known yet but I want to tell you one day which I hope you’ll understand why I haven’t been telling you. But let’s just say that I’m part of something bigger than just a racer. Though it might sound illegal, we really aren’t. But one thing is for sure, I would always prioritize your safety above all. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with, no matter what, I will make sure that you’re alright. So please promise me that if anything were to happen and I wasn’t the one to help you, it’s not that I don’t love or care for you. But it’s really because I’m caught up. But please know that whoever is there to help you is someone that I trust to bring us back together” I rambled and expected (y/n) to question me further but instead, she kissed right by my jawline.

“Jen, I know that there might be something you’re keeping from me and while I have my guesses, I want you to be ready whenever you do tell me. Trust me when I say that whatever it is that you do, it doesn’t change my mind how I feel about you. Maybe I might get angry and upset but at the end of the day, you were there for me and the fact that you’re telling me this before anything shows me how much you really care about me and our relationship. Just promise that you’ll always come back to me?” (y/n) replied making me melt in her embrace

“Fuck. What did I do to deserve you?! I don’t even think that I myself would be able to distance myself from you, dove. You’ll always make it feel as if we just met” I admitted, softly lifting (y/n) up a bit so I could kiss her before we go back to our slumber.

Waking up the next morning, I kissed (y/n)’s forehead as she snuggled closer to me, making me chuckle. “Dove, I’ll order us some breakfast, okay? Well, more so brunch since it’s 10 already. What do you want to eat?” I asked, stroking her hair as I took the hotel phone to call room service

“Anything is alright, Nono. I ate so much the other day so let’s not order too much” (y/n) yawned which made me laugh

Once room service came, I got notified that the stylist along with hair & makeup were on their way since our “dinner” was at 5 pm and it was basically lunchtime by the time our food came. After taking turns to shower and get ready, our food arrives along with the styling team.

Because I had simpler makeup, I finished first and went to the bathroom to change as (y/n) finished getting her hair and makeup done. I wore a black suit with the jacket being a long coat that basically covered the rest of my clothing and my hair was rather slicked but had bangs to frame my face.

When I came out, I saw (y/n) just about finished with her hair and makeup and she absolutely looked breathtaking. I stood behind her as her hair & makeup team moved out of the way. “You look stunning, dove” I whispered, admiring her from the mirror, seeing her turning into the same shade as her blush

“Look who’s talking, Mr Ferragamo’s Brand Ambassador” (y/n) teased as I wrapped my arms around her shoulder, kissing the side of her temple

“Let me change, Jen. The stylist is gonna get angry” (y/n) mentioned, getting up and releasing my grip around her

“If they scold you, I’ll scold them back. No one scolds my girl when I’m around” I replied back as (y/n) went into the bathroom to get change

Not long after, she came out with a gorgeous white shirt and black vest with a flowy black skirt to match my black and white attire along with black boots and a small white and gold handbag. I held (y/n)’s free hand which she linked our fingers together and I let her do a little twirl as the photographer photographed our little moment together.

We took several more photos and then I took a commercial video for Ferragamo and afterwards we both thank all the staff for helping us get ready as we both headed out for dinner with Ferragamo.

Because I was the only one invited, I brought (y/n) as my plus one whereas the other members were on a lookout for the fraud group. Linking our hands together, we were on our way to the restaurant that Ferragamo had booked.

Arriving at the restaurant, I mentioned my name and the staff immediately directed us towards a more secluded yet decorative area. I felt (y/n)’s hand held mine a bit tighter which I know is because of her nervousness and social anxiety. Before going in, I took her hand and kissed her forearm, calming her down. “I’m here, dove. I’m not leaving you. I would never leave you knowing that you’re willing to come with me. Or, if you’re really nervous, we can ditch this fancy dinner and just grab some McDonalds?” I suggested but (y/n) just chuckled

“I’m okay. A. bit nervous but am alright now. The brand might be pissed if they know their global brand ambassador is out eating McDonalds instead of this dinner that was dedicated towards him” (y/n) reminded me, making me smile

Inside the room, I was immediately greeted by the Ferragamo staff and creative director of Ferragamo. Along with the basic greetings, I introduced (y/n) to them who all complimented about her beauty, making me smile with pride.

The both of us were then directed to the center of the long table right beside the creative director of Ferragamo and right as we were seated, the door opened to someone who I did not expect to see at all. Brad from that fraud group.

That fake smile of his as he introduced himself to everyone made my blood boil, my whole body tensed up that (y/n) had to calm me by rubbing my hand in her small ones. I know something was off because I don’t remember seeing Brad at any other events of Ferragamo that I have been to before.

“Jen, you alright? You look like you might kill someone” (y/n) asked as she placed her hand on mine

“I’m okay, dove” I reassured her, looking at her worried face. “Can you do me a favour?” I asked and she nodded. “I know it might be confusing but whatever happens, don’t interact with him. Don’t talk to him, don’t get close to him” I mentioned, looking over at Brad while (y/n) followed my gaze

“Please. Just this one time. Don’t question me, alright? That’s all I ask you just this one time” I mentioned and (y/n) just looked at me softly. “I won’t. I trust you. If you’re already using this tone and saying no then I know that you mean well. I won’t interact with him” (y/n) replied, making me sigh in relief and kissed her temple

Throughout dinner, I kept on eyeing Brad who sat further down the table but he just looked at me with this creepy smile that I wanted to punch so badly but I had to remember my mission especially since the Italian mafia were also here which I had to find because Taeyong-hyung only gave me some descriptions of the man and not an actual clear image of him.

Skimming through the room as we ate, I think I finally found the man that I was looking for. But because I was unsure of leaving (y/n) alone I waited for her but it seemed that she noticed about my eagerness to go somewhere.

“Jen, I’m not going to go anywhere. I don’t know anyone except for you. If you want to go see someone which I think you do, just go. I’ll be here, okay? Or even if I do go, I’d probably go to the bathroom” (y/n) mentioned, stopping her eating session

“Are you sure? I’m completely alright with waiting for you, dove” I replied but she shook her head. “I’m fine. Go, jen. Before you miss them” (y/n) ushered me which made me smile and kiss her head. “I’ll be right back, okay? Enjoy your dinner. I’ll have someone send over some dessert for you, alright?” I replied, kissing her head again and left to see if my intuition was correct about the Italian mafia.

Going up towards a tall older Korean male who was also wearing a custom Ferragamo suit but with a custom embroidery of the Italian mafia family by the cuffs. “Mr Cassano?” I asked as the man in the suit turned around and I finally noticed some of the other “guests” looking at us

“And you are?” the man asked, surprisingly in Korean

“Jeno. Lee Jeno. You are Mr. Cassano of the Cassano family, right?” I half-whispered so that not everyone can hear me

“Your leader told me that you were a smart and keen person. Looks like you are smarter than you look because I actually expected someone older but you have my respect” Mr Cassano replied, extending his hand and I took it to shake

The two of us then continued our conversation while I would look at (y/n) every now and then who was talking with the creative director. As our conversation got more serious, Mr. Cassano instructed me to follow him somewhere more private but I took a look at (y/n) who was still sitting so I decided to text her.

Me: “I’m going to talk with someone for a bit, are you still alright dove?”

(y/n): “Yeap, am alright. Just had a little sip of rose. I don’t like it though. I’m going to go to the toilet for a bit”

Me: “Alright, let me know if you need anything. And yea, looks like you still don’t like alcohol. I’ll have someone bring you some orange juice instead”

(y/n): “Thank you, Nono. I’ll be okay. I’ll be right back. If I’m not back in 5 minutes then I might be puking the alcohol out”

Me: “Don’t make me worry, Dove. I’ll come back and find you in 5 minutes”

Mr Cassano and I then went to a more private area of the restaurant to talk a bit more and just as I was about to mention Brad being here, there was a sudden power fuse making everyone in a panic state that I excused myself from Mr Cassano to check up on (y/n) in the bathroom yet I could sense someone coming to attack both me and Mr Cassano.

Grunting, I turned back and helped take down the mediocre group that was probably from Brad’s group yet didn’t kill them and even prevent any of Mr Cassano’s men from killing them.

“Why don’t you put them out permanently?” Mr Cassano questions as his men gathered the group

“Because my leader wants them alive and I very much would like to be present when they’re being questioned and perhaps even tortured for being a fraud and using our group’s name for their personal pleasure” I mentioned as Mr Cassano nodded in understanding

“Thank you for helping me. If you need any help, contact me” Mr Cassano mentioned, handing me his phone number

“If it’s alright, please send them over to South Korea to my leader first. I’ll deal with the ring leader” I asked and Mr Cassano nodded. “Done. Go find your girlfriend, kid” Mr Cassano mentioned and I bowed back out of respect before rushing to the bathroom to find (y/n).

Before going into the bathroom, I contacted my members to standby, help with the power fuse and guide everyone out of the restaurant.

“Jen, we’re already on our way and Renjun is working on the power fuse, what’s the situation?” Jaemin asked

“I took down some of Brad’s minions but I don’t see him or the 2 others that were with him during the race. I’m going to the bathroom to look for (y/n)” I replied

“Jen, wait for us, we’re almost there” Haechan exclaimed but I couldn’t care because I need to make sure that (y/n) was alright

Barging into the bathroom, I prepared my gun just in case anyone tried anything and at the slightest sound, I immediately pointed my gun towards it until I heard a shuffling sound. “(y/n)? Dove? Talk to me, love” I called out but there was no sound from her which made me grow worry

As I was about to check each of the stalls, I noticed a shadow from the mirror and instantly turned to fight against whoever it was that tried to sneak up on me. Noticing that the man held a syringe, I grabbed his wrists and made sure that he dropped the syringe before I kicked his legs from behind and pointed a gun towards his temple.

“Where is she?! Where did Brad go? Tell me or I’ll take my time to torture you” I growled but when the man didn’t say anything, I shot his kneecaps just enough so that he would feel the pain

“Talk. Now. While I still have the patience with you” I demanded

“H-he drugged her. He’s, he’s taking her back to his hotel. W-we were supposed to drug you as well because he was salty that you won” the man finally talked and I hit him towards the wall to knock him out right as Haechan came in

“Jen…woaaaaa, d-did you?” Haechan asked. “No. Taeyong would punish me if I killed anyone tonight. He said that Brad took (y/n) to his hotel” I growled, putting my gun back in my pocket, making my way out to see that everyone had already left the restaurant

“Renjun…” I mentioned. “Heard you the first time you confronted him. Yangyang, Jaemin and Shotaro are on their way along with Jungwoo-hyung” Renjun replied

“Send me the address, my job isn’t done until I get Brad so I’m technically going to kill two birds with one stone. Well, without the killing at least” I mentioned and Renjun sent me the address

“You sure it’s a good idea? It could be an ambush” Haechan replied and I checked my phone for (y/n)’s location because her necklace had a tracker on it

“I’m getting my girlfriend and putting that no good of a fraud down. They’re still on their way. Which means I can catch up to them” I stated, taking off my coat as both me and Haechan head towards the back alley where Renjun is

“We’ll tail you from behind. Doyoung and Jaehyun-hyung are handling the Italian mafia to ensure everyone is out of the restaurant and create some sort of story about this incident. Taeyong-hyung also mentioned that the Italian mafia already has someone on their way to clean up the mess” Renjun stated as I changed into the nct mission gear

“I’ll be after Brad since Jaemin and the others are waiting at the hotel, I’m sure that Brad would take a detour and I don’t intend to lose my girlfriend or him” I stated as I put on my helmet and took some things before leaving the van and headed to one of our rented cars

Turning on the maps with the tracker, I placed my phone right on the stand and raced to where (y/n)’s tracker said it was. “Hang on, dove. I’m coming” I muttered, putting in the gears and racing off

It didn’t take me long to get to where the tracker said it was because of the quiet street at night and because the police gave permission to let me pass due to my car’s plate number. I knew that Brad would be taking a detour because Jaemin mentioned that he and the others took care of the rest of his little minions. Stopping right in front of their moving car, they finally took a sharp turn to stop.

Getting out of my car, I shot every single one of the wheels to make sure that they couldn’t escape through their car before I could get through their door, the back door opened and it was Brad along with 2 of his friends who were holding an unconscious (y/n).

Seeing her unconscious figure made my blood boil so I pointed my gun towards Brad. “Let her go or I’ll shoot you myself” I mentioned

“Jeno, jeno, are you sure about that?” Brad chuckled, snapping his fingers and one of his men held a pocket knife right by (y/n)’s throat making my whole body tense but I analysed this situation multiple times before that I knew that I just needed to hold out long enough until my team came

“You’re a fucking coward you know that? Using an innocent girl to get to me? Man up and fight me without using a hostage. But that’s right, you can’t even man up and try to win the race on your own. You had to sabotage the other racers with illegal weapons that you got through abusing the NCT name which you clearly are not in” I ranted, not lowering my weapon one bit even when Brad had a tantrum

“Oh, so you think you’re part of that group? Look at you! Telling people that they can’t do shit but where the hell did you get those weapons and that car anyways? Maybe you’re also using the NCT name like me. Perhaps we are alike than you think” Brad scoffed, coming closer. “I mean, you and I have the same taste in women anyway. Sad that your girl is asleep, it would be more interesting when she’s awake, don’t you agree?” Brad tormented and I gave in because the next second, I punched that smirk off his face with my gun, beginning a long fistfight between the two of us.

Unlike Brad, I had proper combat training so I managed to dodge all of his attacks and landed quite a hard blow on his weak spots; his stomach, the back of his knee, his ankles and his chest (right below his lungs). It wasn’t long until his 2 minions abandoned (y/n) and came to help their little leader which didn’t turn out great for them either.

If Brad was the so-called leader of his group, then his minions were nothing to me. I was clearly on the winning streak with the amount of blows I managed to land on all three of them but when (y/n) slowly regained her consciousness is when I started to get a bit distracted; especially when she called out my name in a weak tone.

“Jeno…” I heard (y/n) uttered which made me stop and rushed towards her half-unconscious figure

“Dove?? Are you okay? What happened? Never mind that, let’s get you out of here, hmm?” I cooed, slowly trying to lift (y/n) and failed to notice a sneaky ambush behind me until I felt a sharp pain on my neck did I turned and elbowed one of Brad’s minions

“Jen….” (y/n) muttered, probably out of worry because she saw me holding onto my neck and taking out the syringe

“Just a minute, dove. I’m okay” I managed to utter, standing back up and actually knocking all three of them unconscious before whatever drug was injected into me actually took effect

Thankfully, my team arrived just in time right as I started to feel hot and my mind was a bit foggy with the only thought being getting (y/n) and leaving this place immediately.

“Jeno!!!” I heard Jungwoo-hyung exclaimed and helped support me

“(y/n), get her out of here and to our room” I uttered and Jungwoo-hyung asked Shotaro to help (y/n) as Yangyang made sure that the backup men get Brad and his minions into the car to be detained first.

After what felt to be the longest night I’ve ever had, we finally reached back to our hotel and I took (y/n) from Shotaro and brought her to our room as Jungwoo-hyung told me to rest as he get the sample of both mine and (y/n)’s blood from Renjun to find out what drug was in our system.

⚠️Trigger Warning! Skip if you're uncomfortable

Once I closed the door to our room, I laid (y/n) down on the bed as she was still practically unconscious while I felt that my body got hotter with every second passing, especially when I saw (y/n). All I could practically think was how I wanted to kiss her so badly and how I wanted to make the both of us feel better. But most importantly, how I wanted to rip all of our clothing and take her then and there which sounded more animalistic than my usual composed self.

Trying to snap myself out of this thought, I tried to go to the bathroom and shower to cool down but instead, it only made me feel even hotter than I already was. Grunting, I put my clothes on and hoped to just sleep off whatever this drug made me feel.

But as soon as I went over to the bed, all I could think was ruining (y/n). My mind and actions contradict each other and in the end, lust won over me and before I knew it, I was already hovering on top of (y/n) right as she slowly regained consciousness.

“J-jen?!” (y/n) exclaimed, her tone was scared which I didn’t like but my body took control over me and one of my hands took her hands, pinning them above her head as my other hand slowly pulled her vest off of her

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me” I cried, trying to close my eyes but my whole body betrayed me right when I took off her vest and slowly unbuttoned her shirt while my lips made their way to her jawline down to her neck and on her collarbone as I heard (y/n) whimpered underneath me, making my shaft harder than it already is.

“Jennn….s-stoppp, please” (y/n) started to cry but for some reason it turned me on even more and right as I nearly unbuttoned her shirt, the door to our room was unlocked and I was pulled away by a strong grip around my neck

“Jeno, sorry about this” I heard Jaehyun-hyung mention and I saw Jaemin wrapping (y/n) with a blanket around her to cover her up before I passed out

❗️End of trigger warning

The next time I was awake, I was in a different room and was practically chained to the bed as I remembered the incident of the previous day, immediately trashing around, trying to figure out where the hell I was until I heard a familiar voice.

“Are you back to your normal self or are you horny like an animal going into heat?” Jaehyun-hyung asked and I grunted, hitting my head back on the pillow

“I’m okay, physically now. But I’m not mentally or emotionally okay until I see (y/n)” I grunted

“Not until I know that you’re actually not in the wrong state because you have to know that you hurt her and I don’t think that you want to hurt her anymore” Jaehyun-hyung stated

“How long was I out? Did Renjun manage to get me medicine or an antidote?” I asked, mentally cursing myself for hurting (y/n) in one of the worst ways possible

“You’ve been out for almost 12 hours, had to give you anesthesia ****to make sure that you wouldn’t wake up until Renjun had the proper medicine. Don’t worry about the fraud group, we already have them all. We’ll also be leaving back to South Korea tomorrow. Also, we’ve already injected you with the antidote. I was asking just to make sure that there isn’t any leftover effect” Jaehyun-hyung stated, opening all of the chains

“Where is she? Who’s with her? She’s not alone, right?!” I asked, eager to get out and find (y/n) to apologise for what I did

“Go shower first and regain your composure. You’re going to need it” Jaehyun-hyung suggested, handing me some clothing to shower

After showering and changing everything, Jaehyun-hyung finally allowed me to go back to my room and to see (y/n) which he said that the 00 liners are with her whereas Doyoung and Jungwoo-hyung were dealing with sending the fraud group back to South Korea.

“I’m not the best at giving advices like Taeyong does and I don’t want to come off as the cold senior but do know that we all would always look out for each other and help each other whenever the other messes up. But know that it wasn’t your fault. Yes, you hurt her but you didn’t really have a choice. Your drug made you wild and animalistic. You had no control over the lust that was controlling your body. (y/n) knows it too and I doubt she’d blame you for what happened. Don’t hurt yourself over what already happened. That’s all I can advise” Jaehyun-hyung rambled, opening the door to our room as the others looked at me and bid their farewell to (y/n) who was sitting on the bed

“She’s not angry. She’s just overwhelmed” Jaemin whispered, patting my shoulder as everyone left me with (y/n)

I slowly walked towards (y/n) who was calling out to me but I kept my head hung low because I felt that I didn’t deserve to see her after what I had done. Instead, my legs gave up and I was kneeling in front of her feet by the bed which confused her but I didn’t let her say anything until I let out everything that I was feeling.

“I’m sorry, dove. I’m so fucking sorry. I ruined everything. I hurt you. I did something without your consent. I traumatised you in every way possible. I got you into a mess and instead of being the knight and shining armour, I was worse than the villain. You might forgive me or not it’s fine because I would never forgive myself for what I did. Getting you into the mess was one thing. Getting you drugged, kidnapped and nearly raped you is something that will forever haunt me and I don’t deserve to face you after what I did” I cried out, my bangs covering my blurry sight from her

“Jen….please look at me. I, I’m not angry, Jen. I, I was scared if anything. Not scared of what you might do to me but scared of what happened to the Jeno that I’ve known and fallen for. I was scared that my Jeno would be gone. I’m scared that my Jeno would just leave instead of fighting because I know that you didn’t mean what happened. You didn’t go too far, Jen. I know you were resisting. Please, just don’t leave me. I don’t want my Nono to leave” (y/n) cried out, her hands cupped my face as I felt my body tense

Not being able to look away from her for too long, I eventually looked up to see (y/n) who was crying as well. Her wrists were still red from what I did along with her neck that I accidentally marked. Slowly, I stood back up and cupped her face in mine.

“How, how can you want me back after what I did? Whether I was under the drug influence or not, I still hurt you. I nearly did something so animalistic without your consent. I’ve tainted you and I’m giving you a chance to leave me to find someone better. I failed to protect you” I uttered, my hands were shaking

“No one could ever replace you, Jen. You resisted, I know you did” (y/n) replied. “I tried to resist but clearly I failed. What if my friend didn’t come and pulled me back? What if I went too far? Would you still want me?” I asked, my eyes were on her mark as if it was a mockery towards what kind of person I became

“It wasn’t you. You’re not to blame, Jeno. You still protected me, remember? You promised that if you weren’t there to protect me, you would send someone you know and trust to do so, even if it is against you. Even when you couldn’t, you still did, Jeno. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see how much I trust and love you? If I leave you, you won’t be okay and neither will I knowing that you keep beating yourself up. You’ve taken care of me, let me return the favour” (y/n) rambled, standing up and bringing me closer to her

“If I ever, somewhere down the line, ever hurt you like this again. Be it physically, mentally or emotionally. Whether I’m conscious or under influence. Kill me. I’d rather die in your arms knowing that at least the woman I love is finally free of me and I would never love anyone else even in my next life than live my life knowing that I’m the sole reason for all those bad memories and scars. Promise me you’d do that and continue to live your life” I half-whispered, shakily holding her hands that were on my face

“It won’t ever come to that. I know that you will always have a backup plan. And I doubt your friends/members would allow you to go that far after today. Now can we please enjoy our last day while we can?” (y/n) half-joked, making both of us chuckle and I nodded, allowing her to take the lead and kiss me this time. A kiss to our new year as a couple and a reminder to remember and learn of our past to live our life in the present and better ourselves for the future.

Seoul, South Korea - 1:27 am

The sound of loud heavy boots echoed throughout the hallway up until the room where NCT would keep those who have wronged them and many other innocent people. A room that is meant for those to remember of their past, atone for themselves in the present and perhaps get another chance for the future.

“I swear, they’re just pretending to be asleep at this point. It’s been 16 hours since they landed and I know for a fact that Jeno didn’t kill them” Haechan grunted. “I mean look, they’re breathing completely fine”

“We can’t act rashly, remember that time Zennie noona was captured by a mole and opposing gang? Taeyong-hyung was ready to kill anyone if he didn’t get the chance to be satisfied first” Hendery reminded the younger one

“Plus, wouldn’t Jeno would want to do it himself even if they’re not awake yet?” Yuta questioned

“Well, we’re only going to be splashing some ice-cold water on their face or maybe just nail their hands onto the chair. We’re not actually going to kill them. Just to make sure they’re awake for what’s actually coming” Haechan suggested

“Then do it, Haechan” Taeyong stated, the sound of his boots along with Mark, Kun, Ten, Johnny and Chenle’s followed right behind him

“H-hyung…I, I was just joking about the nailing part” Haechan chuckled dryly as his leader walked towards the entire group of frauds

“Well, I’m not. Wake them up by whatever means necessary. Just avoid any of their vital parts. Safe that for Jeno” Taeyong instructed, slowly backing away to allow the playful member to do what he does best

“Welp, you heard the leader” Haechan shrugged, slightly grazing the nail over Brad’s arm which made the tied man scream

“WAITTT!! STOPPP!! WE’RE AWAKE. WE’RE AWAKE” Brad screamed but his voice only echoed within the room

“Ahh, looks like the clown is finally awake now” Haechan chuckled, a sinister smirk forming on his face as Brad and his members nervously took in at the situation they were in

“W-WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS? RIGHT?! WE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HURT ANYONE. ISN’T IT ILLEGAL TO HURT SOMEONE WHO ISN’T FULLY GUILTY?” Brad tried to reason as Taeyong sat on his chair in front of all the weapons laid out and his members were surrounding Brand and his members

“Illegal? You really want to talk about what’s legal and not? With me?” Taeyong scoffed

“I, I mean, isn’t, isn’t NCT as a whole basically illegal? My parents wouldn’t sit tight knowing their son, the only heir to their company is gone missing” Brad rambled as all the NCT members laughed and giggled but stopped at Taeyong’s hand command

“Ahh, your parents. Right. Your dad is also a fraud who fakes his business by killing his rival whereas your mom, is another fraud who sells fake luxury items to people while she gets to live the luxury? Don’t worry, mommy and daddy will reunite with you soon. Since clearly the entire family seems to be rotten to the core” Taeyong stated, making Brad quiver in fear

“Not technically guilty, huh? You misused our name just because no one knows who the actual members are except for me, Mark of DREAM and Kun of WayV. Not only did you misuse our name for your personal pleasure, you tried to cheat at an international grand prix, you sabotaged other racer’s cars, nearly made one of my core members get into an accident which you became salty when he won and proceeded to drug his girlfriend and himself yet you still want to talk about not being actually guilty? To my face?!” Taeyong growled, pushing himself off his seat and made his way in front of Brad

“I-it was a mistake. I know that now. Taeyong. I mean Sir? Please don’t kill me” Brad begged

“Does living really mean something to you?” Taeyong questioned, raising his eyebrow

“Y-yes. I promise I will atone for what I did. I’ll go to jail and reflect on what I’ve done” Brad pleaded

“What are you pleading for?” Taeyong asked again, this time he went behind Brad and patted his shoulders. “I’m not going to let you die. I’m not that heartless to let you and your little gang here die” Taeyong chuckled as Brad and his members also chuckled. “But I didn’t say anything about letting him have his way with you” Taeyong added right as the door opened and Jeno, Jaemin and Yangyang came into the scene making Brad and his members whimper in fear

“Killing you is far too easy and frankly, I don’t have the mercy to do that. You’ll all pay for what you did. To my members, to my group’s name, to me, to my girlfriend. And especially what you made me do to her. I’ll make you regret what you did. How about we start by drugging you with the same thing you drug me and not letting you cum in anyway possible while I take my sweet time in making sure you remember about your sins here” Jeno growled, putting on his glove

A/N: well, this took a lot out of me :)) 11k words. My longest fanfic so far but I hope that everyone enjoyed reading it T^T I've missed writing these kind of fics because I become so into and invested into the storytelling but I hope that it was just as enjoyable as I wrote it. Stay safe and healthy and hopefully I'll be back for another fic (preferably a Jaemin one cause man is getting buffed to quick) xoxo Vinet

[ponderingmoonlight]

Chapter 2: Negotiating Fate - Reluctant Alliance in a New Realm

Pairing: Gojo x fem!reader

Warnings: reader's death, language

Genre: Isekai, Romance, Fantasy

Synopsis: Your life takes a tragic turn as you perish in a car crash, only to awaken in a whimsical world of fantasy with none other than Jujustu Kaisen characters as its main protagonists. But as if that wasn't enough, you're about to marry the prince version of Gojo Satoru. How will you navigate through this world of history and fantasy? Does your life take the same sudden twist of fate as that of your favorite characters?

<- Previous Chapter l Next Chapter ->

“Tell me about the part where she left you standing in the rain again.”

„Are you out of your mind? Get back into the salon right now, (y/n)!”

“My decision stands. I won’t marry a man like Gojo Satoru.”

Your brother spun you around with ease, his hand wrapped around your wrist so tightly that your bones cracked underneath his rough touch while Gojo stayed back inside the salon, visibly surprised by your rejection.

“He is the prince. Don’t you know how lucky you are that he even considers taking you as his wife?”, your brother hissed through gritted teeth, venom spitting from his threatening orbs.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want him, doesn’t it?”

“She looked at me with a determination in her eyes I never saw in a woman before, told me she won’t marry me and stormed away without another word”, Satoru repeats while his finger glides up and down his chin thoughtfully.

What an unusual experience. Not only for his status as prince, but the given fact that he has a gorgeous face and a well-toned body, all women were head over heels for him since he was young. But you…you looked at him with such disinterest that he can’t stop thinking about you. You, a member of the Zenin family. Even though you already live a carefree life in one of the wealthiest and most influential families of this country, a marriage with a prince would have been your coup, the greatest honor you could bring to your family.

He chuckles.

And you rejected him.

He can’t be mad at his best friend for laughing out loud while shaking his head.

“I never thought I would witness a woman rejecting you. And that as a daughter of the Zenin family, a truly brave Lady”, Suguru finally comments in sheer amusement.

“I wonder why she left so suddenly. She didn’t even give me the chance to explain myself, let alone introduce me properly. You know what she called me?”

“You are nothing but a philanderer, a pompous prince who thinks he rules the world just by the power of his bright blue eyes. Excuse my harsh words, but I am not the one for you, prince.”

“A pompous?”, Satoru repeated, a smile creeping up his face.

“Yes, a pompous. Now excuse me, I was actually busy when you arrived. Have a pleasant travel back home, Prince Satoru.”

“Your reputation seems to precede you, my friend”, Suguru replies before breaking out in laughter again.

Satoru slides forward in his chair, eyes narrowed in a desperate attempt to hold onto the memories of your flawless face. What a remarkable woman you are, truly outstanding in contrast to the usual monotone Ladies he has to endure. It’s not a secret to anyone that he enjoys female company, always surrounded by multiple women at once. But a pompous? It was never more than a friendly talk or two, he never invited one of those boring girls into his sheets.

“We’ll see how this goes, Suguru. Maybe she will come back to her senses, after all.”

“Are you out of your mind, (y/n)?”, none other than your father shouts at you.

You can’t help but swallow hard. His sheer presence alone sends shivers down your spine, well-aware of the fact how threatening the man standing only inches away from you can be.

“Just what I expected. I always knew you are useless, sister. Your only job is to marry the prince and you are even unable to do that”, your brother spits at you.

“Are you even aware of how much time it cost me to arrange the prince of this country visiting you? Are you even aware how much money I spent on your education, your clothes, your maids? Listen to my words: You will marry the prince, (y/n). Or else I will show the world who you really are. Out of all people, you should know best what this world does with people who inherit special powers. You will burn at the stake like your mother.”

You swallow hard, all air drained from your lungs. The way his eyes gleam at you tell you all too urgently that he is serious about his words. Your mother…She was never mentioned in the manga or anime. Is Naobito Zenin cruel enough to kill the mother of his own children? And most importantly, what are those special powers he was talking about? Is this…jujutsu? Are you…a jujutsu sorcerer in this world?

“I am your daughter”, you press out, the hurts almost not leaving your tongue.

“Would you really kill me over a broken engagement?”

“Dear (y/n). I don’t care about who you are. The only reason you are alive until this day is my plan to marry you into royalty. Apart from that, I have no use for you.”

He grabs your arm so roughly that you can’t escape, the stinging smell of alcohol coming from his hot breath almost causing you to choke. In this situation with no way out, the painful truth draws to you.

It doesn’t matter if you really hold special powers you are unaware of in this world or that you are his daughter. If you don’t play along, you will die all over again. Just like you did in your first life…

The glowing headlights of the car crash into you over and over in your mind. The feeling of your bones cracking, your blood discolouring the street crimson, how your heart stopped beating, the violent screams of your friends.

You shake your head vehemently, glossy eyes widen in sheer horror. You don’t want to die all over again, not when you were given this unique second chance. There has to be a way out of this misery. Maybe…Maybe…

“Then allow me to visit the prince myself and fix this situation.”

You still refuse to live a life on Gojo Satoru’s side when there are men like Geto or Nanami. But you will find a solution. After all, this is still somehow the Jujutsu Kaisen universe you know so well, right? You just have to. You won’t throw away your newfound life so easily.

“Now look at that”, he purrs to himself while holding up the piece of paper than informs him about your visit.

You didn’t even wait for his reply. As his valet said, your carriage is already on its way. What made you change your mind?

How ridiculous to even ask this question. Your family is known for being strict, especially when it comes to their female members. Your brother and father probably forced you to rethink your situation and showed you your place. As a woman, you have no worth apart from marrying into a wealthy family. Since the day you were born, your father always tried to find a way for you and therefore himself into royalty. Your whole education was built around the thought that you might become queen someday.

And you rejected his wish by rejecting Gojo Satoru himself.

“Let’s see what you have to tell me, (y/n)”, he mutters to himself.

“Your Majesty, Lady-“

“Good day, Your Majesty. I am deeply grateful for this renewed meeting”, you speak out while you bow politely in the door.

Your heart almost beats out of your chest. It takes all your strength to stop your palms from getting sweaty, to not ruin your makeup out of excitement. Oh, you truly don’t want to be here right now. It is all too clear that you are capable of living a happy life without a man by your side. You’ve been alone your entire life, didn’t care about a male ever before.

And Gojo Satoru is no exception, even in the form of an influential prince.

You bite your lip, fingernails digging into your gloved hands. But still, you depend on his help and understanding at this very moment. If he doesn’t agree on helping you on his own…

You will have to find a way to force him into it.

“I am delighted to see you again, Lady (y/n). Even though this is the only option after you gave me no choice”, he replies with a slight grin.

That bastard. The gleam in his eyes makes it all too clear that he is very aware of why you decided to pay him a visit. With the movement of his hand, he orders you to sit down on an expensive-looking…what is this called? A canapé? He sits down opposite of you, eyes fixated on yours.

“It was truly surprising hearing from you after you rejected me so boldly earlier this morning.”

His words sting like knives, force your eyes to narrow. Well, maybe because you were literally forced here to fix the engagement you don’t want.

You take a deep breath. Catch yourself. If you want someone like Gojo Satoru to give you another chance, you have to stay strong.

“I rethought my decision the second you left. I would love to accept your engagement, Prince Satoru. But only under one condition.”

He tilts his head to the side in surprise. You, having conditions for an engagement with the Prince? How unusual. But the gleam in your lavender eyes tell him that you mean what you say.

“Please enlighten me, Lady (y/n).”

All of the sudden, your fingertips start shaking. You dig your nails into your thighs, take a few deep breaths in and out. Please, just say yes. Please don’t ask any further questions.

“As we will be considered engaged on the outside for the sake of both of our peace, I will follow the duties as the Prince’s fiancé at any official occasion. But I will never have any romantical interest in you, I do not wish to share more time than needed with you by my side. I still don’t want to marry you as well as you aren’t interested in being tied to a single woman. This agreement would benefit both of us and will be dissolved as soon as it no longer has any use.”

Thick silence hangs in the room, tension within reach. He slides forwards, amusement glimmering in his bright blue orbs.

“I respectfully decline your offer, Lady (y/n). Have a pleasant travel back home”, he replies before getting up and making his way out of the room.

For a moment, the world stops spinning, you are too stunned to speak. Did he just…refuse your offer? But why? You always thought he would be the last person who wants to marry a single woman. And if your father pressures you into a marriage, a prince like him is definitely forced to marry soon as well. It is clear that this benefits both of you…So why? Out of instinct, you jump up, hands clenched into fists.

“If you don’t accept…”

Gojo Satoru stops right in his tracks, head moving to the side ever so slightly.

“I will uncover that you are in possession of special powers. I will destroy your reputation and therefore your chances for the throne. So, do we have a deal? ”

Do they have a deal? Find out in next chapter! Let me thank y'all for your amazing support for chapter 1 and this whole idea. I'm beyond excited to share this fic with you and let me tell you the plot will go INSANE with this one - stay tuned! Tags: @m0k0k0 @lees-chaotic-brain @sanicsmut @risuola @fire-loving-siren @sunshine7queen @gatitam @kentocalls @hellkaiserinphoenix @skylarlyn823 @livmarauder @nothisispatrick300 @haileycannotcometothephonern @xstom

[river-of-wine]

God it’s so unfair what they did to Molly. I know I’ve said it before but I can’t stop thinking about it. She was in love. She was young and in love and look what happened to her. She fell for a man infamous for his silver tongue, she is far from the first woman on his arm, and her only crime was believing in him. Believing in the promises he sold her and everybody else. She loved him. She loves him so much and he just didn’t care. What was she to him? A distraction? Something pretty to look at and touch when he pleased that became too much work to be worth his time? A status symbol? A pretty rich exotic bird in a cage to flaunt as he liked? A replacement? A stand in for a woman long since dead? Whatever she was, he didn’t love her. He never did. He knew he wouldn’t, he knew he didn’t, and yet there she was.

She was in love and alone in a country she didn’t know in a world that does not like her, in a gang that does not like her either, isolated from her peers by the influence of a man who does not and will not love her. Not the way she wants to be loved. A man who ignores and berates and abuses her, who belittles and complains about her every emotion, her simple asks to be spoken to, looked at, called by her first name. She is desperate for help and her attempt to reach out to somebody who may understand what she sees is wrong with Dutch is ignored. He starts looking at another woman. A younger woman. She’s already young. Not young enough for him. Not passive enough for him. Not enough for him. She says too much. She questions him too much. She asks too much for him when she tells him that she wants his respect and affection.

She knows. She sees him for who he is. No one else does. No one will listen to her. No one likes her. Some don’t mind her, of course, but they do not like her. Some pity her. They do not like her. They do not love her. He does not love her. She is a sobbing mess before him, telling him that he has ruined her life, and even then he refuses it all. She can’t leave. Where would she go? How would she live, with no skills to provide for herself and no idea where she even is beyond the imprisoning safety of camp? She is a sobbing mess every day, sleeping on the floor and talking to herself as she smokes, convinced that everyone is as bad as him, that everyone is laughing at her still. She runs away and no one cares. She flees into unfamiliar territory on foot and unarmed, and as quickly as she escapes her abuser she is captured and sweated about him, and even still, even after all he has done to her, even recalling his gang that do not like her, who she believes all hate her, she does not say a word about them. She does not betray him even after he has betrayed her. She does not put him in danger. She does not try to have him killed. She could. She does not put his gang in danger. His family that she has never been part of. People who have never been on her side. She does not betray them.

She is dragged right back the second one of them sees her, perhaps the first time she had been truly noticed in months, drunk and worn down and angry, and it’s too much now. She cannot take more of this. More of him. She can’t. She lies. She lies and he believes it. Almost all of them do. She lies. A lie they could have seen through if any had cared enough to know where she was. A bank robbery planned and failed in her presence, only in its aftermath deciding to leave. She lies and he believes her. He points his gun at her and she doesn’t care. Is that what she wanted? It does seem so, how she laughs at him. Finally winning, finally hurting him, knowing that even think it is only herself who is aware that she is making a fool of him. He’s not so big now. She lies and they shoot her and they burn her. She is shot in the back. In the stomach. There is a definite cruelty in that. It’s beyond just ridding the gang of a supposed traitor, a wound to the stomach. They shot her and they burned her. They fucking burned her. They burned this young woman destroyed by a man she loved. He destroyed her in life and they destroyed her body further. Her innocence is revealed and the very camp whose move was christened by her blood is meets the same fate, set alight, her killer’s body within. She never said a word, they learn. With every reason she had, she didn’t tell them anything. She was in love. I love Molly O'Shea

[lucyandalexiafan]

It’s Lucy | Lucy Bronze x reader

Summary: reader has a panic attack and Lucy tries to comfort her.

Warnings: angst; allusion to past violent/abusive relationship with family/partner.

Words: 1.9k

I sit against the radiator of the bathroom.

Same place where I sat as a child, when I cried hiding myself in the same type of room and behind that door.

That door that I was forced to close in silence so that no one would know I was inside, leaving only the small light on the cabinet.

I always ended up in the same position.

Back against the radiator.

Head on knees.

Arms holding the legs to the chest, the calves against the thighs.

It's the same position I have now.

And, like then, the chest twists on itself due to the sobs.

Tears running down my cheeks.

I bite my lip until it bleeds in an attempt to hold back the laments, the noises.

Like when I was a kid and didn't want to disturb anyone.

But now I'm alone, at home.

In another city.

In another country.

But that anxiety never goes away.

That fear of being heard.

That fear of being discovered.

That fear of making the situation worse.

Lucy isn't there.

She is at the Barcelona camp, somewhere around Portugal.

Jona had allowed me not to go.

He had seen how bad I was, how badly I was playing, and he had asserted that my mental health was more important.

He had insisted that I was supposed to stay in Barcelona, at home.

So why do I feel so guilty?

I had put my phone on not disturb mode and the only thing I have done during these days as an attempt to communicate was reply to his text every night.

I'm okay.

No more words, no less.

It didn't matter what he wrote to me.

It didn't matter what he was talking about.

It didn't matter what photo he sent me of the team.

I didn't answer anything other than I'm okay.

It didn't matter if it was a lie.

I hadn't checked the messages and calls from Lucy, from Alexia, from the team.

I was, and am, too scared to read them.

To confront the disappointment they feel about me not being with them.

For my having stayed at home.

For my not being enough.

The fear of finding out that Lucy is mad at me makes me nauseous every time.

So I can't look at them.

Read them.

Answer to the calls.

And also because I hadn't heard my voice since she left and it wouldn't surprise me to know that it's gone.

Since Lucy had left I had spent the days at home, alternating between the living room and the bedroom.

A sense of nausea, fear, discomfort pervaded my body since the first second that I was alone.

Preventing me from eating.

Preventing me from going out.

Preventing me from doing anything other than lying still.

Lucy had left, she was forced to leave, having no justification not to.

Mapi was injured, so she was in Barcelona.

She had tried to convince me to open the door of the house: she had camped out on the landing of the floor all the first night, until the next morning the old woman from the flat next to mine had threatened to call the police if she didn't leave.

Three days had passed.

I didn't expect her to come back.

I love her, we are friends, but I never thought I deserved that treatment, that attention, that try one more time.

And, in the end, she had only confirmed my idea, my feeling of not being enough.

My nails penetrate the flesh of my calves.

My hands crush the skin.

I feel dirty.

Useless.

How is it possible that I can't even do my job anymore?

The house lock clicks.

I gasp in fright.

I hold my body even tighter as if this could protect me.

I will not move.

I don't know who they are, but it's not important.

I'm not important.

I hear footsteps.

The sound of an object being thrown to the ground.

The sounds of some doors being opened.

Are they thieves?

It does not make sense, it's still evening.

Maybe it's Lucy.

But why didn't she call me?

I bite my lip.

Then I hear the bathroom door open.

“Amor”

I huddle in on myself.

I try to disappear, to merge with the radiator.

Is she angry?

Does she want to hurt me?

I close my eyes.

“Amor”

I whine.

The pain in the chest increases more and more.

I hear her sit on the floor.

“Don't hurt me, please”

I hear her holding her breath.

“Amor, look at me”

I shake my head.

“I'm sorry Lucy… I'm sorry, I really am - I moan, blood dripping down my calves - I swear… it wasn't enough, but I tried”

There is silence.

Why doesn't she scream?

Why doesn't she hit me?

I feel arms hugging me.

I squirm.

I try to move her away, to push her away.

I don't deserve this affection.

I can't even do my job.

Study.

Leave the house.

Why doesn't she hit me?

Her hair touches my nose.

My forehead against the crook of her neck.

She says something to me but I can't hear it.

The noise in my head is too loud.

The noise of the beats, of the tachycardia, invades the ears.

A dull, constant, fast sound.

I tell her that I can't hear, that I can't understand.

I hold her tight.

My nails dug into the sleeve of her arm.

My tears wet her shirt.

She asks me if she can medicate me.

The worried, sweet voice.

I don't answer, scared at the idea that it's an excuse to leave.

To hurt me.

She asks it again, telling me that she would like to treat my calves.

I swallow saliva.

I grip her forearm tightly.

Two of her fingers rest against my chin.

They force it upwards.

Her eyes fixed on mine.

“Everything will be fine, you just have to cooperate with me, okay?”

I look at her scared.

“Please… Please don't hurt me”

Her gaze softens even more.

She tells me that the only thing she will do to me is medicate me, that she won't hurt me.

She then walks away towards the medicine cabinet.

She opens it and takes out a first aid kit.

The one where there are gauzes, disinfectant, plasters and everything else.

She approaches again.

“Now, every time I do something I'll tell you, so you know what's going on and you can stop me if you need to, okay?”

Will she stop or is she lying?

I nod slightly, too weak to protest, to oppose her.

She opens the kit and I flinch at the sound of the zipper opening.

She soaks a piece of cotton with some disinfectant.

“Amor, can you stretch your legs a little? This will make it easier to disinfect the cuts"

I don't respond, I just execute.

She asks me to leave them slightly bent, so that they don't touch the ground.

I feel the sting of disinfectant on a cut.

I groan in pain, sucking air between my teeth.

Her other hand touches my knee, the thumb caressing the skin.

“I'm sorry, I swear - I whisper, scared, hesitating when her eyes look into mine - I didn't think... I'm so sorry”

“Amor, don't worry” she whispers before chastely kissing my knee.

Then she continues, wound by wound, to disinfect me.

Why does she disinfect them?

Why is she so caring?

I don't deserve it.

I know it, and I bet she knows it too.

If she wants to hurt me why does she medicate me?

“I think it's better to not cover them, so they'll dry quickly, okay?”

I nod.

I no longer look into her eyes.

I look at her hands.

They are stained with my blood.

They smell of disinfectant.

The air smells of disinfectant.

Is she angry?

Why is she so sweet?

So loving?

I bite my lip.

Her shirt is stained with disinfectant.

Or maybe it's blood?

The spot is dark, small.

“Can you get up? So we can go to bed."

I plant a hand against the floor, but as soon as I try to get up I feel my strength fail.

I shake my head moaning softly.

I curl up in fear that she will hit me.

That she will start screaming.

Will she hurt me for this?

I close my eyes in terror as she approaches me, her arms raised towards me.

“Can I pick you up so I can take you to bed?”

I watch her.

Eyes widening.

She-

That's why she is so caring.

Of course.

Why did I believe there was no ulterior motive?

How could I be so stupid?

How long was she at the camp?

A week?

Is that why she medicated me?

Because then we can go to bed and-

I push myself towards the radiator

The fear that it will happen again, that she will hurt me too, invades my body.

The memories that come back to mind.

My hands hold my legs, my back pressed against the radiator.

“Please… don't hurt me - she looks at me confused, her lips parted - We-we will do it, I swear - I gasp in terror - but not now, I beg you. I-I don't feel I can do it."

She looks at me.

The confusion in her eyes.

She hesitates, pulling her arms back against her body.

“I just want to make you lie down, you can't stay on the floor all evening” her voice worried.

Maybe scared of my reaction.

“We won't do anything, I promise - I look at her - I just wish you were in a more comfortable place”

I look at her trying to figure out if she's lying about herself.

Maybe she really just meant-

“You won't hurt me?” I ask hesitantly.

She shakes her head.

Her lips parted.

“I would never hurt you, amor”

A hint of urgency in her voice.

Can I trust her?

It's Lucy.

I can trust Lucy.

Right?

It's Lucy.

The sweet girl who gave me Lego flowers because she had seen them in a store and she had thought of me.

The loving girl who always hugs me because she knows that physical contact is the only thing that calms my anxiety.

The caring girl who always orders my favorite pizza when she understands that I'm having a bad day.

It's Lucy.

With her transparent glasses, nose piercing and freckles.

I bite my lip.

The tears welling up in my eyes.

Why do I always ruin everything?

She'll dump me after this.

She won't want to deal with me anymore.

I look at her again.

I know that if she tries to hurt me I won't stop her.

I will cry, but I won't fight her.

I don't have the force to do it.

Ever since I ran away from that house I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone hurt me or hit me, but the reality is that now it is so difficult to fight, to oppose, her.

I nod.

She's right, I can't spend all night on the floor.

In one way or another, we will end up in that bed together.

In one way or another, if she wants, she will find the opportunity to hurt me.

Her arms lift me up.

One under the crook of the knees, one under the middle of the back.

I instinctively push myself against her chest.

My hands clutching the fabric of her t-shirt.

The tears that wet it.

“I-I'm sorry Lucy”

She places me on the bed.

She kisses my forehead, then my nose.

“Don't think about it now, - she kisses my nose again - Whatever happened, it doesn't matter. I love you” she whispers, before lying down next to me, covering us with the blankets and hugging me.

It's Lucy.

I'm not sure that the way I wrote the allusions to Reader's past life is correct: in my native language they work, but I'm not familiar enough with English to know 100/100 if the way I wrote them is correct. If they are wrong please point it out to me, explain me what is the correct way and I will change them (so I can learn for the next time too). Thank you so much:)

[swamp-adder]

I keep wondering about the financial situation between Holmes and Watson after the Hiatus. At Holmes' request, Watson quits his job and moves back in with Holmes to continue helping him with cases. Did Watson receive any kind of payment for his help -- a cut of the money Holmes received from his clients perhaps? A lot of fanfiction seems to assume they were equal partners and Watson got half; but honestly any scenario I can imagine seems awkward to me in one way or another:

- Watson being treated as an equal partner and getting half the money seems awkward when according to what's depicted in the stories Holmes was doing the vast majority of the actual work and Watson was mostly there because Holmes liked having someone to talk to.

- Watson receiving some money, but not a full half, makes Watson explicitly subordinate to Holmes in an employer/employee relationship, which just seems like an awkward dynamic to introduce into any friendship.

- Watson not getting paid at all would be awkward because Watson just quit his job for the sake of helping Holmes out, and has also been forbidden by Holmes from publishing any more stories for the time being. Meanwhile Holmes at this point in his career we're told is absolutely rolling in dough, creating a serious income disparity between them which could hardly help but be awkward.

Watson's financial resources that we know of at this point would consist of his wound pension and whatever royalties he's still getting from his earlier stories, plus the money he got from "Verner" for his medical practice. We're told in DYIN that Holmes' "payments [for the flat] were princely. I have no doubt that the house might have been purchased at the price which Holmes paid for his rooms during the years that I was with him." That makes it sound like Holmes was more than paying the full rent for the apartment by himself, so at the least Watson was probably living there for free. (This quote is from DYIN, which seems to be set pre-Hiatus, so this arrangement might have begun even by then.) Which also seems potentially awkward -- like something that could make Watson feel like a freeloader or whatever.

Honestly it's very understandable why Watson never explicitly talks about money, because the whole thing is just awkward any way you slice it!!

In the earlier days the whole thing seems less awkward to me because a) Holmes had less money himself and b) Watson is just choosing not to get a job and to run around with his friend instead, rather than having given up his career specifically at Holmes' request.

One thing that makes the "Watson lives for free at Holmes' place, eats out at Holmes' expense etc but doesn't get paid in cash" scenario seem more likely to me is the fact that Holmes felt the need to give Watson a bunch of money sneakily through buying his practice -- it makes me think he felt like he couldn't pay him in a more straightforward, above-board way -- that Watson would be offended by it or whatever.

On the other hand I was also reading some stuff on the wiki about the concept of the "lady's companion", where a usually single upper-class woman would invite a single female friend to live with her and pay her an "allowance" in exchange for social companionship. The companion was technically an employee but was treated more like a member of the family. Now, there are reasons why this arrangement was specific to women: a) there were very few ways for an upper-class woman to actually earn a living that wouldn't compromise her upper-class status; and b) upper-class women were expected to stay at home most of the time, so a woman living alone (especially in the country) could easily become lonely. But it does show that there was at least some kind of concept in this historical era of "living with a wealthy friend and being financially supported by them as if you were family" without it being Weird. So yeah IDK.

[not-another-leon-blog]

Out Together

DI! Leon Kennedy x Fem! Reader

Summary- Your family spends some rare quality time together. Word Count: 2266 S/n- Son's name D/n- Daughter's name A/N: Part 3 of the Family Matters Series Family Matters / Aftermath

With the kids on suspension from school, Leon had decided that it was the perfect time to spend together. It was rare that all four of you went out to do something together– work tended to prevent it and oftentimes stole him away to far corners of the country or the world. So naturally, he wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste.

Of course, he gave them the standard lecture about not fighting in school (though he did praise them for standing up for and protecting each other), but otherwise assured them that they weren’t in too much trouble.

Leon woke up with S/n still curled up against him and your side of the bed empty. S/n had slept through the night between the two of you, and D/n seemed to have slept all night in her room, too. His kids were starting to heal just a little bit and the thought brought him peace. 

The scent of bacon wafted through the house and just moments after Leon smelled it, S/n was pushing himself to sit up. His hair stuck up in all directions and he yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Bacon?” he mumbled as he looked back at his father. 

Leon chuckled and rubbed his boy’s head. “Better go get it before your sister does,” he said. Without another word, S/n jumped out of bed and rushed out of the room. D/n was notorious for eating almost all of the bacon you made. So much so that you started buying two packs just so the rest of the family could have some, too. 

You had just pulled the second pan from the oven when a pair of strong arms wrapped around your waist. The twins were already sitting at the table, quietly eating the bacon tacos you’d made for them. Leon gave you a squeeze and pressed a kiss to your temple, uttering a quiet ‘good morning’ against your skin.

Moments like these were his favorite. You in one of his shirts and a pair of your sleep shorts, the twins sitting at the table with messy hair and rumpled pajamas. If he could, he’d live in these moments forever. No bio-weapons, no being called away for work, just him and his family enjoying breakfast together.

You smiled and turned your head to give him a proper kiss before turning to plate the bacon. “Good morning, handsome. There’s eggs and potatoes over there, too.” You gestured to the table. “Go ahead and start eating, I’ve been nibbling while making all this.”

“You’re the best, you know that?” He kissed you again.

“I am, aren’t I?”

The four of you ate in a comfortable silence for the first time in a while. Since returning from San Francisco, tension had settled over the table. At least for the moment, that cloud had dissipated. It made you think that perhaps Leon was right. Getting the twins to be active seemed to be the best way for them to release their stress. You only wished it hadn’t been a school fight to make you realize that.

“Are we still going to the park today?” S/n asked between bites of his taco.

“We are,” Leon replied, “and don’t talk with your mouth full, bud.” He took a napkin and gently wiped crumbs from the corner of S/n’s mouth. “I’ll bring down your glove and we can throw a ball around.”

“Can I bring the soccer ball, too?” quipped D/n.

“Absolutely, baby,” you said. You ran a hand through her hair and gently undid large knots with your fingers. The twins finished eating and put their dishes away, leaving you and Leon alone while they went to get dressed. 

You looked over at Leon. There was a sad, forlorn look in his eyes. “What are you thinking about?”

Leon gave you a sad smile. “When they were born. I promised them I wouldn’t let anything happen to them. Now look at us.” 

You reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. Guilt over what had happened plagued the both of you. In the days following Alcatraz, Leon barely slept. He would get up and triple-check the locks on all the windows and doors. Nearly any creak would have him up and checking the house, especially when D/n had started sleeping in her own bed again.

“And you saved them,” you reminded. “They knew you would. We can’t change the past. But what we can do is give them a good day.” Helping them move on was the best you could do. You couldn’t let them wallow in those memories and drown in nightmares. 

Leon pressed a kiss to the back of your hand and nodded. You had a habit of drawing him out of his darker thoughts, and when you did it made him love you even more. You were right. Your family came home in one piece. Neither of the kids were hurt (physically) and Rebecca had cured you. Your family was intact and that was all that mattered.

The two of you cleaned up the kitchen and went to get dressed. Then it was time to get to packing the car. It wasn’t much, just getting a small cooler filled with water and a few sandwiches while Leon went to hunt down S/n’s baseball bag in the garage.

“S/n, D/n,” he called as he came back inside with both of their gloves. There was an excited twinkle in his eye that you hadn’t seen in a while. The twins came running and he handed them the gloves. “Try them on, see if they still fit.” Leon had once had a dream of getting at least one of them into sports, but there simply wasn’t time. He never wanted to be the parent that didn't make it to practices or games. The twins put the gloves on and flexed their hands, opening and closing them. “Feel okay?”

“Good,” they replied unanimously. “A little stiff.”

“Just need to break them in. We ready to go, Mom?” You smiled at him and nodded. 

~~

This was the kind of life Leon dreamed of having when he was younger. A beautiful wife and two wonderful kids. If he didn’t have a dislike of dogs, he was certain that there would be one running around with you.

The park was almost empty. Being a weekday, the only ones around were the occasional joggers or new parents walking their toddlers in their strollers. The day itself was nearly perfect. Only a few clouds dotted an otherwise clear blue sky.

You watched from under a tree a little bit away on a blanket as Leon tossed baseballs for the twins. It was S/n’s turn to bat and D/n was scrambling to catch the fly balls he hit. Her jeans and shirt already had grass stains from diving after ground balls.

“Dad,” S/n said after he hit another, “I’m hungry.”

“Hey, Hungry, I’m Dad,” Leon replied with a cheeky grin. The twins groaned, resulting in a wider smile from Leon. The three of them made their way back to the tree you sat under. You lifted your camera as they came closer, wanting to preserve the moment. It was an old thing from years ago and though the lens was a little scratched, it still took fantastic pictures. “I didn’t think you still had that.”

You shrugged. The kids plopped themselves down and rummaged through the cooler. “Well, we don’t do stuff like this often. I figured we could use some more pictures together.”

“I wanna sit next to Mom,” S/n said, trying to scoot in between you and Leon.

“I had her first,” Leon wrapped his arms around you, pressing you to his side.

But this didn’t deter S/n. “But I’m her first-born.”

“I’m her husband.” He loosened his hold on you just enough that S/n was able to wiggle in and try to push Leon away from you.

D/n settled herself on your other side, quietly watching her brother and father squabble as she ate her sandwich. She leaned up to your ear and whispered, “Are boys always this dumb?”

“Sometimes,” you replied, wrapping an arm around her. 

“Is that why Daddy makes things explode?”

“No, Daddy tries to be careful about that.” No point in denying that Leon did, in fact, blow things up every now and then. She’d already seen him do it once, at least you could prevent her from worrying about him getting hurt while doing something so dangerous. 

The four of you continued to eat and once the kids had their fill, they were up and chasing after each other. Leon threw the soccer ball between them and it quickly became a game of keep-away.

Leon took to clicking through the pictures you’d taken, a soft smile on his face. “You know, you deserve to be in a few of these, too.” Most of the pictures were of him and the kids, very rarely did he see you in any of them. 

“My mom takes more than enough,” you replied. You made it a habit to take the kids to see their grandparents at least once a month, and your mother could never have enough pictures of you and her grandkids.

“Still, this is a family outing.” He gave you a gentle push, urging you to your feet. “Go, I’ll take a few for you.” 

You groaned playfully and got up. He was right, afterall. The albums you’d put together over the years were filled with him and the kids growing up. In fact, you’d started making them because of how often he was gone; you wanted to keep some kind of record for him to look back on. And being so focused on keeping his memories with the kids, you often forgot about keeping some of your own.

Leon watched you jog out to the kids, laughing as you stole the soccer ball from S/n. You carefully and swiftly moved the ball between your feet. The twins charged at you, but flew past you as you turned to dodge them. 

The twins shared a look and split up, D/n running to get himself behind you and S/n staying in front to distract you. Leon raised the camera, waiting just a few moments before pressing down on the button. He watched through the viewfinder as you tried to keep both of them in your sight. D/n sprinted up behind you, throwing her arms around your waist as S/n swooped in to take the ball from you. 

God, he wished his vacation days would last forever. 

He put the camera away and went to join you. He easily snatched D/n from you, picking her up and lightly tossing her in the air. She squealed with laughter, “That’s cheating, Daddy!”

“And what were you doing just now?” He caught her and tossed her up again. You’d taken off to chase after S/n. The next half hour continued like that: racing after the kids and eventually ending up in a pile in the grass trying to catch your breath.

The sky had gotten darker, gray clouds threatening to rain. “Alright,” Leon said, pushing himself to his feet, “time to go.” He helped you up and S/n followed. D/n continued to lay in the grass, her eyes closed. It was obvious she was only pretending to be asleep but he didn’t care. He scooped her into his arms and carried her back to the car.

“Want me to drive?” you offered once the car was packed and the kids were buckled in. Rain had begun to fall and you knew how it could put him on edge.

“If you don’t mind.” He tossed you the keys. Truth be told, he was exhausted. But in a sense, it was satisfying. For once it was the kids who wore him out, not some bioterrorist trying to shoot him down or zombies chasing after him. It was the sort of tired he’d love to get used to.

By the time you returned home, rain was falling steadily and the twins had officially fallen asleep in the back seat. The two of you decided that everything in the trunk could wait to be taken in later and instead simply carried the twins inside.

You gently set them down on the couch and woke them up. They stretched and yawned, rubbing their eyes. “Go take your showers,” you instructed softly.

“Do we have to?” D/n whined.

As much as you wanted to give in to her, you nodded. “Don’t want to wake up all sticky tomorrow, do you?” She shook her head. Slowly, the two of them waddled down the hall to take their showers and get ready for bed.

Leon watched them until they were out of sight and then took their spot on the couch, pulling you down with him and tucking you against his side. You were happy to oblige, tossing your legs over his lap and nuzzling into him.

“Want me to get any of those pictures printed?” you asked tiredly.

“I have a few in mind,” he replied. You could print out all of them and he’d cherish each one. He sighed and leaned his head back against the cushion, closing his eyes.

The next time he opened them, he found the twins settled on either side of you, their hair still wet from their showers and sound asleep.

[calciumcryptid]

I know we all talk about Phum and his experiences with his childhoods neglect, but gods does Fang make me eat the drywall because there are so many implications about how it affected him too.

We don't know much about Phum and Fang's elder brother beyond a name and their mother asking Fang about how he has been doing, but I think that says a lot about the family and their connection. An elder brother who, going off the picture, doesn't seem much older than Fang and Phum who probably got out of dodge as soon as he could but in doing so left Fang and Phum alone in that house.

Fang who navigated international lines to talk to his scared crying younger brother and (probably) sent Phum plushies as a substitute for his company, but was only about a year or two older so he didn't realize it could never make up for the real thing.

Fang who knows how to make spaghetti and not much else because sometimes his parents forgot to leave money for groceries/takeout and he has to feed his younger brother because he is the only other parental figure despite being a year or two older and shouldn't have been unsupervised in the kitchen.

Fang who in high school punched his future-boyfriend in the face, because of course he did when he has been nothing but the peacekeeper in his household and a guy has been rude to him and he needs to let go of some of that bitterness and resentment and man doesn't Tan look punchable?

Fang who watched Phum get into fights too and emulate his behavior but he can never be mad at Phum because it isn't his fault no one bothered to check on the rich family's kids. Then Phum would emulate him further when he fell for the kid who kicked him in the nuts, but Fang can't even complain because Peem is the best thing to happen to his little brother.

Fang who went into architecture and keeps his grades up probably because his parents wanted him to go into business and having high grades is the only way to prove that he is doing what is best.

Fang who freaked out when his attentive boyfriend didn't respond to his calls and messages because his worst fears are confirmed and Tan is going to leave him just like his parents just like his elder brother- but Tan never left and continues to be his safe place.

Fang who was set up as the peacekeeper in his family, a bridge between Phum and their parents. Fang still living with their parents and constantly trying to get Phum to play nice because of course Fang is doing that because he wasn't the one abandoned in another country but also he got the bare amounts of attention that kept him strung along for more and to doesn't matter that his parents only seem to ask about his elder brother or his grades or talk about their own work because every once and while they pay attention to him.

Fang who will come to the realization the only love he values is Phum's, Tan's, and his news friends (which his parents didn't even realize he had) and how he will move out into a new place with Tan and cut off contact and it will be hard but it will be worth it because when he is married and adopted two kids and his kids ask about their grandparents on his side he'll give them a small smile and say they passed away decades ago even though he doesn't know if that is true but doesn't care to find out.

[queertranshappiness]

A Message To Anyone Who Needs It

An essay of support for any queer youth or people who need it.

(Word count: 1.8k, Reading Time: ~10 minutes. CW: transphobia mentions, however, this does have a hopeful ending.)

Hey there.

To anyone who needs it. Wherever you are, whoever you are. However you identify, whatever name you use, whatever pronouns you use. I have some things to tell you.

It feels like the world is on fire again. Maybe to you, it always feels like that. You’re scared of another attack, of what might happen next. Maybe you’re scared of what bullies or teachers will tell you. Maybe you’re scared of politicians attacking your rights. Maybe you’re scared of how your family might react to your identity. Maybe you’re scared about exploring yourself, scared of what might happen. 

To begin with, I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You, and your identity, are not the reason for these fears you have to carry on your shoulders. It is not your fault the world can be like this. It is society’s fault for allowing misinformation and hate to breed, and the fault of those spreading it. These people do not define you, or your worth, or your rights. You have a right to be treated like any other child or young person. You have a right to freedom, to self expression. To the healthcare you want and need, to play the sports you love however is most affirming for you. To learn in a safe and inclusive environment, to see your story in people who have gone before, and to pee in peace. In short: to be yourself, in every way possible. 

The people attacking these precious things, no matter how loud they seem, do not represent most people in your country, your city or town, and the world. Most people are kind, and seek to let gender diverse people of all sorts live in peace. It is a minority, who are screaming at the tops of their lungs, as they know they have nothing behind their hateful rhetoric. They are standing on towers of cards that are finally beginning to fall in, and it is their death screams we are hearing. That is not to disregard the damage they are causing in the moment, it hurts, and it is disgusting what they are doing to innocent people like you. However, we are stronger than them, and we always have been.

There have been queer and genderqueer people in all of humanity’s history. From the myths of Mesopotamia through to queer characters in modern shows, for thousands of years we have existed, fought to be ourselves, and thrived. You might feel alone, and not have anyone to look up to who is like you, or feel like you’re the only one like this. However, you are never alone. There’s been many times where I have had to be the brave one, stand up and tell the room who I was… and I found others like me in the process. It is scary, but you have so much power in becoming who you are. Never forget that. You being yourself, and being the best person you can be, inspires so many people, in ways you can’t even see or count.

You might be scared now, not sure where to go… but I promise you, someday, you will be looking back and be so proud of your younger self. However, you have to be there to see it happen, and so, I ask you to do one thing for me. No matter what happens, no matter who you meet, who you are, or whatever a politician decides to throw at you… hold on, as tight as you can. It is hard, and it can be painful, right now. But there is strength in the small things. Find the music that makes you feel heard. Find the stories that make you go ‘wait… there’s an adult like me out there?’. Find the people that light up your face, and give you courage and love when you need it. Use whatever labels you want, if you find them helpful. Don’t use any, if you want. Use whatever pronouns make you happy, whether they be a single set, a combination, or a big list of neopronouns that make you feel good. Name yourself however you want, it can be as similar to your old name or as different to it as you want. The most important thing is that it makes you happy, and that is the thing to prioritise. Don’t let someone else’s misinformed hatred decide who you are. By figuring out what makes you happy, you are taking a stand and telling them: ‘No! You will not define who I am, I am here, and I am myself, and no one else will decide that for me!’. There is more strength in that than you will ever realise, as by doing that… you might inspire someone else to learn about something new, or try something new they’ve been meaning to try for ages, but didn’t know how to begin with.

You are some of the greatest and strongest people I have ever known. You inspire us every day to keep on going and fighting for ourselves, you, and those we love, and we will never ever stop. Even on the dark days when it feels like the world hates you, you have millions of people fighting for you, your life, and your happiness. In your school and community, in your city, and in your country, there are people just like you and people who love you and support you, even if you haven’t met them yet. There is no one way to be a trans person. We all have different experiences, we’re all of different backgrounds, and we are all here together for you. I am sure there is another person like you, out there, living the best way they can, and thriving despite the world. You will find them. Alongside that, you will find your chosen family, the people that help you become the person who you’ve always known you’ve wanted to be. When you’re scared, terrified or panicked, we will reach out for your hands and pull you back up. We will restore your courage and your love. We are fighting with all we’ve got to make sure that you will have a happy life, and we won’t stop until everyone gets the happiness that they deserve.

There is, and will be, more to your story than broken systems, oppression, and hateful politicians. There will be friendship, there will be song, there will be the solidarity the community showed you when you needed it. There will be the times when you stood up for someone in need, the power of existing beyond what other people dream of… and most importantly, even if it doesn’t feel like it now… there will be joy. There will be hope. There will, someday, be a better future. In the long term… this is a political bubble. These politicians and hateful people are the last of their generation, and they will fail. Because no matter how loud they are… in the words of a friend of mine, it comes from them being empty cans. There is more of us out there who love you, honour you, and believe in your truth, your happiness, and your lives. And unlike them, we have a reason to fight… and we will win.

Another thing you can do is to try act out of hope, and not out of despair. We naturally, as people, run away from fear and negativity. What would it look like instead if we framed our transitions, and our journeys, not just in that way but in life in general… as going towards joy? Imagine, even if it’s just for a second, your ideal world. Who would you be? What would you look like, if you had everything you wanted? Who would you love, in whatever ways come to you? What would people be like? What would you do day to day? Hold that image in your mind. That is dreaming of a better future, and it is incredibly powerful. The people screaming transphobic rhetoric don’t want you to be able to do that, but they can never take it away from you, no matter what they do. With that world in mind, what’s something you can do, right in this moment, to make that world closer? Something to make the world a bit better, or a bit more free, or to make yourself a little bit happier. Whatever it is, go out and do it, to the best of your ability. Whether that be to do something kind, research a new label, try a new pronoun set, try out a new hobby, make art, or just rest and have a good sleep. You have done something against the oppression of the moment, by daring to believe in yourself when they don’t want you to. Be proud of that, and do it over and over again, whenever you can. This power is hope, and it will never be defeated, no matter what happens. Next time you’re scared, try act towards who you want to be, and the world you want to see, rather than because of the pain of the present. It is much more sustainable, and you will go far with it.

Finally, always remember that you are loved, and you are valued. You are the only person on this earth who can experience life in the way that you do. Every day you wake up and choose life is a victory. You are allowed to be human, to make mistakes, and try new things. There is nothing wrong with who you are, how you feel, or what you dream of. The most important things are letting yourself be, not hurting others, and fixing your mistakes. Your best will always be enough, and remember to rest. Love as hard as you can, both those you love and yourself. Take time to yourself in all that you do, and do the best you can do, in the ways that are right for you and your situation. It is not your fault the world can be so dark as it feels like it is, and someday, it will get better. To get us there, never give up hope. Keep on dreaming of the world you want and the world you know can happen, and do anything you can to bring it closer. No matter what, live on, so you can be there for those better days, even if it’s just the smallest thing getting a tiny bit easier. That is a victory, and you deserve to celebrate it. Celebrate yourself and celebrate your joy. It is a long road… but you’ve got plenty of time to make it to that world, and as long as you don’t give up… victory will come.

[wardenparker]

Hello my love! You DESERVE ALLL THE LOVE!!! Can I request Javi G? And “Wait! Please don’t leave!” For your AWESOME mini fic celebration???

😘😘😘😘

Regency!Javi Gutierrez. 867 words. "Wait! Please don't leave!" Co-written with @absurdthirst

Because we all need a little Darcy moment after the treat we got at the SAG Awards

"We should not be alone." He knows that. Everyone knows it. Even young children learn that being alone together is something only for the grown and married. Or your siblings. But certainly nothing else. So why Mr. Gutierrez is standing in your library now with mud on his boots and no waistcoat is beyond you. You certainly did not send for him, and neither did anyone else in your household.

"The day is early." Javi glances out the windows, almost surprised to see that the sun still has not quite cleared over the horizon. The night has been long, spent pacing his own library as he wrestled with his feelings. Unable to leave things without a resolution, he hadn't even stopped to dress properly, or saddle a horse. Walking across the cleared fields that separated his own estate from your father's. "No matter." He glances back at you and is overwhelmed by your beauty. "I have a matter of importance to speak with you about."

"Then surely we should ring for my mother, so that you may speak to her as well." The great supper at the palace had lasted long into the night but surely your mother would be rested enough by now to be a suitable set of surveying eyes in the room. Goodness only knows what she will say if she wakens to her breakfast tray to find out you have been entertaining a man alone at daybreak. "Please wait here," you instruct him as politely as possible, making for the door. "I will go and fetch her myself."

"Wait! Please don't go!" Javi strides forward only to stop after a few steps, afraid for a split second that if you walk out the door he will never see you again. He cannot wait to tell you. "I love you."

Freezing in place does not stop your heart from leaping into your throat and pushing a distressed sort of squeaking sound out in the process. The fluttering in your belly is nearly violent as your mind races to catch up with the pounding of your blood in your ears. If you were a more delicate woman, you might have swooned where you stand. "You..." Slowly, or just as fast as your body will allow which is a near-glacial pace, you turn again to face him. "I must not have heard you correctly."

“I love you.” He repeats breathlessly, feeling like his heart is about to leap out of his chest. “As inconvenient a truth as that might be, I have found that I cannot spend another moment outside of your presence. I yearn to tell you the mundane things about my day and inquire about yours with little regard to your lack of family fortune or your prospects, I have decided that I cannot live without you.”

"How very generous of you, sir." It is nearly a hiss when it comes out, and all the giddy tension through your body evaporates as quickly as it came. "'With little regard to your lack of family fortune or your prospects'? I cannot think who taught you the syntax of romance, but they did you a hearty disservice if you were attempting to pay me a compliment."

He frowns in confusion and he shakes his head. “I am merely trying to express the lengths that my heart sings when you are near.” He protests. “I have no need of a dowry or a presence in society, merely your heart and hand in marriage are all I hope to have.”

“I may not know much of the world, Mr. Gutierrez, but even a country gentleman’s daughter knows it is impolite to remark on a lack of prospects when making a romantic overture.” The very idea that he is making an overture seems ludicrous, all things considered, but you must admit that in all the ways you have been thrown together lately there has been a…a string connecting you. It seems to be tucked deep inside you. Perhaps tied to a rib and tugging each time he strays a little too far away.

“I—” his mouth is agape as you call out his rude manners and he realizes that all of the jumbled thoughts that have been rambling around in his mind have come out. “My sincerest apologies.” He bows slightly and sighs. “Perhaps such an early audience was not wise.”

“Sleep has a way of soothing the thoughts.” The small touch of advice is kindly meant, although your hands shake with it and your heart pounds. He had not meant to insult. He simply spoke too quickly. “Perhaps you would rather return at teatime? To speak to my father?”

“Perhaps.” Javi sighs softly, aware of his blunder and more than certain you will reject him if he were to return. “Good morrow to you, then.”

“Good morning.” That pounding of your heart is there too fully to ignore, but not a word can be said about it. All you can hope is that he returns — and that when he does, he does not fumble in front of your father. If he does, the poor string tied to your rib may snap, and you would be adrift forever.

______

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[torchwood-99]

The difference between a dry nurse and a healer

It's interesting how at a glance these two roles appear similar, and how Eowyn fiercely rejects the first yet embraces the latter, and what's more is vindicated in the narrative for rejecting the first, yet is celebrated for accepting the latter. So to understand Eowyn's arc, it's important to look at the differences between a dry nurse and a healer.

Eowyn states herself she is not a dry nurse. Gandalf points out to Eomer that part of Eowyn's depression comes from her having been forced into the role of dry nurse. And in his own commentary, Tolkien says that Eowyn isn't a dry nurse by nature. So that's the character, the in-narrative voice of reason, and the writer himself all saying that Eowyn is very much not a dry nurse.

Now, what is a dry nurse, and how does that differ from healer? A dry nurse nurses. Seeing as that was Eowyn's role with her uncle, we can presume that to be a dry nurse was to be like a carer, someone who takes care of a person and tends to them on a day to day basis. Eowyn's role wasn't to cure her uncle, but to make him comfortable and support him as best as she can.

This was a role that was foisted on Eowyn unwillingly, for she was a woman, and there's a prevalent idea that women are just "inherent carers", that is comes more easily to them and that this is is there natural role. That emotional burden, that denial of other choices, isn't seen as an injustice to Eowyn until Gandalf spells it out to Eomer at the end, because as a woman that's just what she's suited for. She shouldn't have wanted something else, and if she did, it meant she was either lacking in something, selfish or defective.

This all came at the expense of her own personhood, and so she ended up feeling like the "staff" Theoden leant on. She was his living crutch, and this dehumanisation played a massive part in her depression, which was made worse by Grima's influence.

For all that LOTR is a fantastical setting, Eowyn's plight was very grounded and applicable to modern day. As her uncle's carer, her life revolved around his needs and wellbeing, she was stuck in the home because she couldn't leave him alone, and her own hopes, her own dreams, ambitions and desires were put aside as of lesser consequence. And because she's a woman, and therefore naturally inclined and suited for all this, she should have felt alright with this, and any resentment on her part is a sign that there was something wrong with her.

She was isolated and stagnant and she felt she couldn't even speak of her resentment because it was her duty to tend to her uncle, (Gandalf tells Eomer that Eowyn didn't share much of her feelings because of the duty she felt to him), and all of this left her vulnerable to Grima's emotional abuse. This situation can so easily be transplanted into modern day.

Being a carer is a really difficult job, tending to both the physical and emotional needs of another person. It's emotionally draining and challenging and it's all the harder when it's a family member, as that doesn't allow you some of the distance and space that professional carers have, as well as a life outside work which allows you to enjoy other pursuits and interests.

It's a hard enough job for professional carers who genuinely feel a calling for it, who choose that role and find satisfaction in it and have a chance to decompress and lead lives of their own away from their work, but Eowyn never felt such a calling, and caring for Theoden wasn't her job but her life. Her life had been dedicated to tending to the needs of a single other person. And all the while she cared for him, she knew she couldn't heal him or prevent the awful things happening to her country. She wasn't a person, but a tool, and in her mind, a tool of limited ability.

No wonder she yearned to go and die gloriously. Her life was no life, and yet with a glorious death she could reclaim something for herself, exist in the songs as her own being with her own deeds. She could live on after her death as she has never lived in life.

In life, she could only watch as her brother and cousin and peers got to leave Edoras, where she was caged and hopeless, and go out and do stuff, with the ties of comradeship to support them. Already, without Grima's influence, it would have been easy for Eowyn to hate herself for her seeming uselessness, to resent the world and her society for shutting her into that role, and to hate herself for hating her role, for it meant she was a failure as a woman and a niece.

Compare that to the role of the healer. A healer, by its very definition, heals things. It fixes things. A healer can't always succeed, but that is the healer's goal. To heal.

Now, we don't know specifically what Eowyn meant by being a healer, whether she literally meant she wanted to train in the healing arts, to learn how to set bones, clean wounds, perform surgery or cure sickness, or if she meant she wanted to live a lifestyle given over to healing the world around her (her new home Ithilien needs clearing of orcs, is a military outpost, and and lies near Minas Morgul, so there is much to be healed there, with a sword too, yay!) or if she meant both.

A healer is active. A healer needs to leave the domestic sphere to go to where there is trouble and put it to rights, whereas a live in dry nurse stays in the home and tends to a patient in their domestic setting (which is partially why it's seen as a more feminine role).

Eowyn, fearless, longing for deeds and open fields, needs to get out, needs some risk, needs to be bold and needs to be able to do work which has some sort of final goal or success to fight towards. Being a dry nurse is being a lover, pouring out empathy and compassion and care, and being a healer is being a fighter, someone who faces challenges and overcomes them, and that is who Eowyn is by nature. Someone wants things and fights for them.

As a healer, Eowyn would have a variety of tasks; whether that be literal patients or general problems in the world, that need fixing, which gives her more change and also a break, for she won't have just one life she has to constantly attend to.

The active, combative nature that made her long to be a soldier is what makes her suited to be a healer (both literal and figurative), someone who is confronted with challenge after challenge and has to tackle them. Who must come up with a battle plan and then take up her tools and get to work, sticking at it until victory is won.

But whereas a soldier's business is bringing death, a healer's business is bringing life (even if that may mean clearing away dangers and sicknesses in order for that life to flourish. If Eowyn does mean healing figuratively, her work may often cross over into the work of the soldier, but the intent behind it will be different.) Becoming a healer reconciles Eowyn's desire to go to battle with the need for her to embrace life and peace.

She cannot stay at home "in the cage" because what needs healing is beyond her doorstep. And as a healer, when she has done her part healing others, healing the outside world, she can go home, which is now a sanctuary and not a cage, and then she gets to do something else.

As a healer, she will have deeds to accomplish and an existence beyond the walls of her home. And her home, being a place she now gets to leave, a place of comfort and leisure, is a home at last. It's a place she can escape to, not a place to escape from.

As Eowyn and Faramir play around with gender roles a fair bit, it's not surprising that Faramir, a man and a soldier and a bloody good one, is naturally more inclined to being a carer or "dry nurse" than Eowyn is, and in many ways he would have done much better as Theoden's carer than Eowyn did. (Not that Eowyn was bad as a carer, like Faramir she felt it was her duty and she put in the work, but Faramir would have personally coped with it better.)

If anything, it might have been a role that would have brought Faramir satisfaction, if not one completely devoid of heartache and difficulties, because even for those suited for it, being a carer requires a lot and is inevitably draining.

But Faramir is deeply compassionate, compassions and caring does come naturally to him, and he values it highly, so he would have taken pride in knowing he was easing another's suffering, He would have seen the successes and progress and been able to celebrate them. And crucially, his love of lore and studying would have been an escape and often a consolation for him, and given him something of his own to work on, so his own personhood wouldn't have revolved around who he was caring for. His work as a carer could have coexisted with his work as a scholar, and thus he would have been making use of both his natural empathy and intellectual curiosity.

Faramir is also very emotionally intelligent. He is very quick to understand others feelings, even before they do, and can give them very apt emotional support. See how he is with Eowyn, how understanding he is of her love for Aragorn (no resentment or jealousy, he gets it), and her despair and her inner conflicts, and is able to communicate with her really well due to that insight. Between the two, it is Faramir doing the bulk of the emotional support, which must come as a blessed relief for Eowyn after all that time as Theoden's living crutch.

This is also why they work so well as a pairing. They have both experienced what it's like to be a carer and a fighter, to carry the burden of warfare and nursing, and together they're a partnership capable of caring and fighting, dry nursing and healing. They can both do both, but where is inclined one way, the other is inclined another way, and thus they balance each other out.

[gremlinmodetweeker]

A Walk in the Woods

So, I had some struggles in my life. I've been homeless since about July 27th, but I've been staying at a friend's home. I'm on disability, so it's hard to make ends meet.

In the depths of my despair, I wrote about König's lonesome walks in the woods.

Edit: As of August 13th, I do nearly have a home now. However, I am still posting this because it reflects an important feeling and something I think about with König. I love writing him as goofy and awkward, but I think sometimes it's important to remember the reality of being a soldier.

TW: Suicide reference, ptsd, references to gore, warfare/active combat discussion, depression, mental illness

Story below Cut

A Walk in the Woods

König goes on long walks alone sometimes.

You might be tempted to come with him, but that would defeat the purpose of the walk, so he’d just have to have you tag along and take another walk later, most likely when you’re asleep.

Long walks in the woods help König calm down. He likes the silence of the forests. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, he’ll hear an owl hooting or see a bat fluttering by. He’s thankfully not the type that mosquitoes are attracted to, so bugs tend to leave him alone if he just gives himself a light spritz with bug spray. He thinks that long ago, his body adapted to the forests. Maybe it was because it was the place he felt most himself, maybe it was because it was where he was most alone. The forests never bothered answering his questions.

On these walks, König has the time to finally think about what’s been going on in his life. When he walks, he thinks about how long he has left to serve. Will he retire when he hits the golden age, or will he retire when his body gives out? Will he even make it to retirement? He doesn’t know. He wonders what will happen to you when he retires. He also doesn't know, which is worse. It frightens him terribly that he knows there’s nothing he can do to protect you from the reality of living with a partner in the military. He’s gotten to a point where he no longer sees warfare, but he does hostage rescues in dangerous cities in more dangerous countries. How long until there’s a chink in his armour?

When he walks he thinks about how he’ll divide his will. He needs to be prepared, as much as he wishes he could live forever. His mother made it until she was in her late nineties, his father just turned one hundred when he passed. He comes from longevity, but does he truly want to live that long? He’s done so much damage to his bodies throughout his years of service. His body could only go on for so much longer, and he didn’t know how long he could last.

When König was younger, he was brave and proud of taking after his grandfather by going into the Austrian Jagdkommando. He was revered by his younger siblings, and his parents had been nothing but proud of him for his decisions. He’d been a strong recruit and quickly risen the ranks to a prestigious title.

Now, as he walks through these lonely woods, he doesn’t quite know how much value his title holds anymore. What worth is a badge and a name if you spend most of your life looking at your partner through a phone, really? Is he even worthy of being a father if he has to spend months overseas? He’s missed so much of his loved ones' lives because of this godforsaken burden he carries. No amount of money could buy back the time he’s lost with his family.

And yet, still, he works. He trains in the barracks, readies his bodies for the next onslaught of bodies and screams when he is deployed into the next battlefield. He knows that when he comes home, he’ll have new nightmares to wake up screaming from. And who will be there to comfort him but you, frantically awoken by his thrashing and screaming as he shoots and kills all over again in his mind’s eye. He lives it over and over again every night. He will until he sleeps one final time. He’s trapped on lands you’ve never seen, lands he hopes you’ll never see in your lifetime. He’s seen so much carnage, there is so much blood on his hands and these same hands are the ones that hold you, cherish you, fuck you. He’s covered you in blood. 

His walks carry him deep into the forest. There, he finds a clearing where he’ll look up to see the sky. Some days it’s blue and wide as the sargasso sea, some days it’s swathed in a darkness only split by the twinkling eyes of the gods above. Every time he looks up, he hopes that someone somewhere will see him begging on his knees for forgiveness. He tells you he doesn’t pray anymore, but he prays every time he comes to this clearing. Not for himself, no he’s long since been sent to Hell. He prays for you because he’s afraid that he’ll drag you down with him.

When he comes home, he’ll smile and hug you tightly. You always ask about it, but he never tells you where he went. He keeps telling himself he’ll bring you some day, but he knows he never will. You’ve seen him weak, but he can’t bear to have you see him like this. He wants you to see him smile and laugh and hold his children up above his head and fill the air with the sounds of joy and youth. He’s a strong and powerful aurochs of a man. You may see him stumble when he goes out to the hardware store to fix the latest leak in the sink, but he wants you to see him as a reliable pillar of support.

He prays that you will never see him out in the woods alone. He’s terrified that one day, one fateful day, you’ll go into his clearing to find him way up high among the tree branches.

Story Masterlist

[roosterr]

Do you have any specific headcanons for Nik?❤️

i'm so glad you asked anon, of COURSE I DO!!! >:) here is a random collection of headcanons for our beloved pilot, i hope you enjoy <3

let's start with the obvious; this man is a humongous flirt, and he is BOLD, if he likes you, you will know about it. he wants to see you a flustered mess because of him, he will take literally ANY opportunity to call you beautiful/handsome etc. just to revel in the way it effects you. and if you flirt right back? perfect, the two of you could go back and forth for HOURS (if yk what i mean ;))

leading on from this, i think he's a very open person, he will say what he's thinking and feeling with no reservations. he doesn't embarrass easily, so some of the things he'll say to you may have others groaning and telling the two of you to get a room, but he'll just wrap an arm around you and grin, "no complaints from you though, right милая?"

when the two of you are alone, he's the softest man on planet earth. i hope you like cuddling, because he LOVES it, when you're relaxing he'll rest your head on his shoulder or his chest, his arm securely around your shoulders. you cannot escape once he has you in his grasp.

on the topic of love languages, i picture him being an acts of service and physical touch kind of guy. he loves doing things for you, from getting you a glass of water when you ask to carrying around extra ammo for you, he will do it all. and as previously mentioned, he adores having any kind of physical contact with you, even if it's something as small as hooking your pinkies together. truly the perfect man.

he's very protective of the people he loves, the same way he loves his country and would do anything to protect it. he will put himself between you and any danger, make you walk on the inside of the sidewalk, walk you home or to your car when it gets dark out, the whole nine yards

this man can and will throw hands for you. look, it's no secret that his moral code is less than pristine, he kidnapped a mans wife and son for gods sake, he's more than willing to fight for you.

he's a captain - it's technically a hc since his wiki doesn't say his rank anywhere, but since he's around the same age as price (technically another hc), and he's the leader of chimera, i'm taking the liberty of assuming.

ass man. no i will not elaborate.

i know in my heart that this man does NOT take good care of his hair. he uses 73 in 1 shampoo and somehow still has the most luscious hair of all time. it doesn't make any sense and i am mad about it.

he has an absurdly good memory. you mentioned a food you really like once in an offhand comment 7 months ago? he buys it for you every time he passes a place that sells it. you mention a family birthday party you recently attended, he looks you in the eyes and goes "your mothers cousins sons kid? how old are they now, 9?"

in the same vein, literally human gps, like this mans has never and will never be lost in his entire life. you could drop him in the middle of the wilderness and he'd find his way back in time for dinner

at the risk of being slightly contradictory, i think that when he's off duty or on leave just living life as a civilian, he's actually a pretty introverted guy. something about being in his element, doing what he knows best in the heat of battle just brings out a different side of him; and of course he's a captain, so when he's at work he gives people orders and becomes the perfect leader. but when he's at home he's quieter and keeps more to himself - no matter where you are though, in the middle of an active warzone or just chilling in your home, he always showers you with as much love as he can.