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n0-eyedtaissa · 3 years

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The Times They Are a-Changin’ (Little Brother!Sweet Pea)

A/N: Happy graduation to our class of Riverdale High School, and welcome back Sweet Pea even though you said like ten words during the episode. You looked great in the background, buddy. Here’s a little something about Ruthie and Sweet Pea and how they’re reacting to his graduation.

Word Count: 6,508

tagging @hughstheforcelou @reggiemantleholdmyhand-tle @humangrumpycat @brittanyvengeance, and @thecaptainsgingersnap for encouraging me to post!

The winds of change had been blowing in Riverdale as of lately with students and parents alike crossing off the calendar days until graduation. It was a constant bittersweet reminder with banners going up in store windows congratulating the graduating class of Riverdale High School, baker cakes being custom-ordered with names written in black icing cursive. Ruthie can’t help but feel a bitter tug at her chest as she pushes the shopping cart across the grocery store, checking off the mile-long list of ingredients that Maria and Atzi needed to make food for the big party. Ruthie tosses a few more items into the wobbly metal cart and makes her way to the checkout stand, trying not to be impatient as she waited. There’s a handful of people in front of her in line, mothers buying last minute ingredients for favorite meals to be eaten as a high school graduate, a gaggle of teens seeing if their fake IDs were actually good enough to buy a case of cheap beer to bring to whatever party was inevitably happening that weekend. Ruthie thumbs through the rack of cards propped up by the register and plucks out one with a lot of space to write in.

When she was out of the grocery store (with significantly less money in her pocket), Ruthie is overcome with this sudden feeling of “rightness”. She doesn’t have to worry about pinching pennies and stretching paychecks to make ends meet any more, she no longer feared trips to the grocery store and the always looming threat of her card being declined at the cash register when she had a basket full of items. Ruthie did what she was supposed to do: she took care of her brother Sweet Pea, took care of herself, and kept a roof over both of their heads. And despite all of the bullshit that the two of them have faced in their short amount of years, Sweet Pea was graduating. And at the end of the summer he and Fangs were packing up Dante’s old truck and driving it upstate, where they’d settle into their own apartment before their first week of college. Ruthie is overcome with a sudden burst of pride for herself and for her brother, their resilience and fighting strength. Growing up was scary but they did it, even when it wasn’t easy and every fiber of their being was telling them they weren’t gonna get anywhere any ways, so they may as well give up now. But Ruthie and Sweet Pea never did.

After she drops off the groceries for the Abuelas, Ruthie is panting when she bounds through the front door to the Soh-Peterson trailer, swearing up a storm after having to carry so many bags up and down the driveway and putting everything away in its rightful place.

“God, Maria is a pack-rat, I swear!” The sound of Ruthie tossing her keys onto the linoleum counter is enough to startle Sweet Pea, who had been mindlessly ripping out papers and assignments from his old binder. “Every time I have to go shopping for her I come home feeling like I need a drink…”

“If you’re offering, will you bring me one?” Sweet Pea smirks.

Ruthie huffs in response. “If I do that, will you also bring me whatever shirt you’re wearing for the ceremony tomorrow so that I can be sure to iron it?” She heads into the kitchen to fill up a pot of water to boil. She was making spaghetti with extra oregano, Sweet Pea’s favorite.

He heads into his bedroom for a quick moment and returns with a wrinkled dark blue dress shirt. He holds it up to Ruthie. “Do I have to wear a tie?” It’s such an innocent question that Ruthie cant help but laugh.

“Do you want to wear a tie?” Sweet Pea shrugs at his sister. “There’s that handful of Dad’s that we kept in the hall closet if you want to look through those. And for the love of god, please, anything but that ugly Christmas tie.” Ruthie turns to pour the dried spaghetti noodles into the boiling water and Sweet Pea hangs his choices over the door of the hall closet, in Ruthie’s line of sight so it wouldn’t be forgotten.

The two of them eat dinner together, with Sweet Pea trading anecdotes about his last day of high school through bites of warm bread and rich pasta. He tells Ruthie all about the school’s unearthed time capsule and what it held, tells her that there’s a whole spread in the yearbook dedicated to the Serpents (and that he’d have to show her all the good pictures of him). Ruthie smiles at her younger brother as she watches his eyes light up as he talks about the last few grueling moments of waiting for the seventh period bell to ring, officially signaling the end of the school day and his high school career.

“It was like everyone was holding their breath, you know? And when the bell rings everyone throws all of their stuff into the air, all of their papers, and everyone was hugging, going for high fives, it was weird—” Sweet Pea pauses to wipe away the red marinara sauce from the corner of his mouth. “Reggie comes at me for a bro-hug…I thought he was gonna pick me up off the ground!” He laughs and shakes his head. It was a moment that was a clear testament to growth, because a mere two years ago, if Sweet Pea and Reggie were in that close of proximity, one of them was gearing up to swing at the other.

“Definitely weird” .

Ruthie holds up her almost empty bottle of beer in a toast. “To your last day of high school.”

Sweet Pea clinks his bottle against hers and then takes their bowls and silverware to the kitchen to be washed without Ruthie needing to ask him. He rinses things off and washes them clean before handing them over to Ruthie to dry, a system that had been perfected after years of not so careful practice. When the dishes are done and put away, Sweet Pea retreats to his bedroom for the night and Ruthie doesn’t bug him. She knows that something like this can be a lot to process, especially for a person like him who isn’t really the biggest fan of change. Ruthie knows that sometimes you simply need a moment to sit with your emotions, whatever they may be. She waits patiently, can hear Sweet Pea talking to someone on the phone, Fangs maybe, so she waits a little longer. Ruthie sneaks out into the kitchen and opens the freezer, spends a few minutes spooning chunks of frostbitten chocolate chip ice cream into two mugs, one for her and one for Sweet Pea. When she hears him hang up the phone, Ruthie gives two quick taps on his bedroom door before she enters.

Sweet Pea’s sprawled out on his bed, legs tangled in the blankets that are barely hanging onto his twin sized mattress. His yearbook is next to him, filled with gleaming photo paper and inscriptions done in sharpie marker. The side of his left hand is smudged with pen ink and he’s trying to scribble his name in big graffiti letters onto the inside front cover of his yearbook. Sweet Pea sees that his sister came bearing ice cream so he smiles, sitting up and inviting Ruthie to rest on the foot of his bed. They clink their spoons together and each take way too big of a bite, fighting off brain freeze as Ruthie starts flipping through Sweet Pea’s heavy yearbook. No one says anything for a minute and they settle into a comfortable silence. Ruthie finds the section filled with senior portraits of the graduating class and can’t help but marvel at how both Sweet Pea and Fangs have grown.

“What time do you need to be there tomorrow?” Ruthie asks, sliding off of Sweet Pea’s bed and grabbing his empty, sticky mug. There was still a lot of work that Maria and Atzi needed help with before the graduation party for Fangs, Queenie, and Sweet Pea, and Ruthie was finding a weird sense of peace amongst the chaos.

“Seniors need to be in the gym by 4:30, and the ceremony starts at five o’clock so maybe get there at 5:15 so you don’t have to sit though the speeches”

“I’ll be there on time, don’t worry.” Ruthie laughs and leans her weight against the doorframe.

“Are you gonna sit with the Fogarty’s?” Sweet Pea asks, somewhat nervously.

“Of course I’m going to.” She reassures. “What, you think FP’s gonna save me a seat between him and Alice Cooper?”

Sweet Pea frowns at his sister’s joke but Ruthie thinks it’s hilarious.

“You’ll see me, don’t worry. The whole family is gonna sit together and cheer so loud for you three that you’ll be embarrassed”

“I won’t be embarrassed” Sweet Pea promised, almost forcefully, as though he needed to be sure his sister believed him.

Ruthie quirks up an eyebrow but chocks up the sudden outburst of emotion as a reaction to everything around Sweet Pea that was changing. She stands up straight, metal spoons clanging against the empty ceramic in her hands. “Try not to stay up too late, okay? You’re gonna have a long day tomorrow”

“Yeah, I gotta get my beauty sleep” Sweet Pea jokes, pulling his bed covers back up over his long legs.

“Gonna need it” Ruthie laughs over her shoulder as she makes her way back down the hallway to the kitchen. “And don’t forget to brush your teeth!” She turns the faucet on hot and pretends that she doesn’t hear Sweet Pea groan from the other room.

~~~

The morning of Graduation Day, both Sweet Pea and Ruthie wake up way before their alarms, anxiety already cold and pooling at the bottom of their empty stomachs. Sweet Pea manages to close his eyes for a few more minutes before being started awake again, feeling like he was running late, when he realizes that he has nowhere to be. For the first time in four whole years, Sweet Pea doesn’t need to spring out of bed and rush to get in the shower before Ruthie hogs all the hot water. He doesn’t have to worry about what time he needs to leave for school, or account how much time it’ll take to get to Riverdale High School all the way from the Southside. Sweet Pea didn’t have to worry about any of that because today, he was graduating high school.

When he gets to the kitchen, Ruthie is already there with a pot of coffee steaming and a stack of warm pancakes on a waiting plate. She laughs and gives him a sheepish smile, gesturing with the spatula to tell him to sit down. “Felt weird that we both weren’t running around each other trying to get ready to leave, so I decided to take advantage of all this time.”

“Thank you” Sweet Pea mumbles through a full mouth.

It was a rare day where the two siblings seemed to have nothing but free time. Ruthie makes a thick stack of pancakes and they both eat almost all of what’s on their plates. Sweet Pea washes the dishes and she dries, and by that time it’s only 10:45. They’re both too hopped up on coffee to even bother trying to take a mid-morning nap, and that’s how they end up watching a handful of episodes of The Price Is Right until Ruthie excuses herself to get in the shower. No one has to rush that day. No one is pounding on the door yelling about how they needed to get in the bathroom to finish getting ready, threatening bodily harm on one another. Ruthie takes time lathering her hair with shampoo and conditioner, relishing in the warm water that she actually got to enjoy. No one had anything to stress out about today. Ruthie gets out of the shower, takes her time, and Sweet Pea gets in. Ruthie irons his dress shirt and his tie and hangs them back up until he’s ready. The two siblings convene for half of an episode of some daytime talkshow until Sweet Pea complains that he’s hungry. Sweet Pea makes grilled cheese sandwiches for late lunch while Ruthie does her makeup in the living room. Sweet Pea leaves the pan and their plates in the sink knowing that later he’ll wash and Ruthie will dry.

“Pick up the pace a little bit, okay? It’s almost four and we’re probably gonna need to leave soon so you have a chance to find your friends and sit with them.” Ruthie breezes into Sweet Pea’s room, dressed up in a way that made her look older than she was, but not as old as she felt. She looks good in her blazer and her heeled boots, like a proud parent.

Sweet Pea is dressed but his shirt’s not tucked in and his tie is crooked. He stands in front of the mirror and tries to fasten his father’s old tie into a Windsor knot but his fingers are soo long and too clumsy. “Shit…” He mumbles and Ruthie can tell he’s getting frustrated.

She doesn’t have to say here let me, she simply gives her brother the same knowing look she always does and steps in front of him to refasten and straighten Sweet Pea’s tie for him. Ruthie smooths her hands over his shoulders, wiping away creases and floating motes of dust and lint. She takes a long look at him and realizes how much he’s grown to look like their dad, or the way that Ruthie remembered her dad looking in the few old photographs stashed in a shoebox somewhere in her closet.

“You look so handsome” She whispers, her voice tight in her throat as she tries to will away any hot tears from spilling.

“Oh c’mon, don’t cry, Ruth” Sweet Pea says with an uncomfortable laugh, stepping away from his watery-eyed sister. “Cause if you start crying, I might start crying and then what good does that do for either one of us?” Ruthie laughs and gives a big exhale as she tries to compose herself.

“God I feel like Maria” She laughs, thinking of the Abuelas and the wrinkled tissues they always seemed to pull out of nowhere. Ruthie can’t help but shudder as she remembers back when Dante graduated high school and how she was surprised that Maria and Atzi weren’t dehydrated from crying under the hot spring sun.

Sweet Pea takes a look at himself in the mirror, running his comb though his hair to gel it back into place with sticky pomade. His shrugs on his long, blue graduation robe and tucks his cap under one of his arms before giving himself a last once-over in the mirror with a sigh, like this was as good as it was going to get. Ruthie slings her heavy purse over her shoulder and soon the two siblings are making their way out the door and down the front steps of the house. Sweet Pea almost hits his head getting into Ruthie’s compact car, she laughs but he scoffs and pulls the ray-ban sunglasses out of her hair and puts them on for himself.

The drive across town to Riverdale High School was longer than usual, the long lines of cars all leading to the same place. Ruthie honks her car horn, if not because she thought it could make things go faster, but just because she could. Sweet Pea scrolls through radio static until he finds a station that’s playing some old Green Day song that he and his sister used to dance around to when they were younger. He bounces his knee along with the rhythmic thumping of the drums and Ruthie taps her fingers along on the steering wheel. Sweet Pea’s nervous, they both know it but neither one of them would admit that. He’s worried that he’ll trip when walking across the stage, that his long legs and the long silk gown will get the better of him.

“Just breathe” Ruthie nods, following the cars all turning towards the high school. She parks her car towards the back of the school’s parking lot and waits with Sweet Pea as he tries to coordinate where to meet Fangs and the rest of their friends.

Ruthie makes Sweet Pea stand out in front of the school sign to take pictures in his graduation garb and her sunglasses. She snaps a few silly ones but doesn’t make Sweet Pea stop to take that many smiling pictures, knowing that after the ceremony and at the party he’d be having to run away from Maria and Atzi and their too-fancy cameras, who wanted to take pictures of the youngsters just as much as they needed their help with figuring out which buttons do what. Sweet Pea finds the Fogarty-Abrejo clan easily, giving Queenie a one-shouldered hug and slapping Fangs on the back, flicking around the blue frilled tassel hanging off his graduation cap. Maria and Atzi are doting on the two young men, going to pinch their cheeks and straighten their collars. Chimalma is lecturing Queenie about making sure she zipped up her blue graduation gown like the rest of the other students, still somehow unaware of the fact that the more she told her daughter not to do something, the more it made her want to do it. Ruthie raises her eyebrow at Queenie and the girl winks in return.

“One picture, you three, then I’ll leave you alone until later I promise” Ruthie holds up her phone and gestures for Sweet Pea, Queenie, and Fangs to all get together. The three squish together, giving cheesy smilies that will one day end up in a photo album with years worth of other cheesy smiles. Fangs is still a head shorter than both Sweet Pea and Queenie so he stands on the toes of his dress boots, smiling bigger than either one of them like it could make up for his lack of height. Sweet Pea hooks his long arms around his friends and pulls them close for one last picture and Queenie holds up her graduation cap to make sure it’s in frame, the picture of her father decorating the back of her cap watching over her protectively.

Last pictures were taken, collars were straightened and hair was smoothed down. Mr. Weatherbee makes the announcement that all graduating seniors needed to report to the area behind the gym for attendance, and that parents, families, and other distinguished guests could make their way to their seats. “See you on the other side, little brother” Ruthie gives Sweet Pea a wink as she holds the door open for the older women.

Riverdale High School’s graduation was like all high school graduation ceremonies in the way that it as both long and boring, incredibly drawn out by speeches from principals and vice-principles, esteemed faculty, and the class valedictorian. Betty Cooper delivers a moving speech about innocence and growth, stressing the importance of taking the time to be young and have fun, especially in a town that was plagued with so much heartache. There’s not a dry eye in the house when the young woman takes to addressing all of the trauma she and her fellow students had faced when Riverdale had them all in it’s clutches: “And it’s not fair that so many of our classmates aren’t here to walk with us today. And it’s not right that same of our parents aren’t here to watch those of us who are.” This strikes a chord in Ruthie and she can’t help but think what it would be like if Major Chase Lang Soh was here to watch his son walk the stage to get his diploma, or wonder how loud Pallaton Abrejo would whistle when his daughter’s name was called, smiling as Queenie’s blue silken robe billowed out behind her, (still unzipped, much to her mother’s dismay). Pallaton would tell Queenie that he was proud of her, and that he thought she was pretty damn cool for not wanting to blend in with the ranks of her peers.

“I wish Dante got to be here tonight” Ruthie leans over to whisper in Maria’s ear. The older woman pats her hand in response, a reaction that Ruthie thought was rather odd for Maria, but Ruthie chocks it up to her not wanting to be the rude people whispering. Apparently Dante was busy with some project over in Centerville, but Fangs had a graduation card coming in the mail and he promised he’d try to convince Spyder and CD to all drive down with him some weekend pretty soon. At least that’s what Dante told Ruthie on the phone a few days ago when he told her he wasn’t coming to graduation.

Everybody sits up a little taller in their chairs once student’s names started to be called, shifting in their cold metal seats and craning their necks to find where their loved ones were sitting amongst the masses of students. Ruthie claps politely for some of the names that she recognized, people that Sweet Pea talked about or hung out with, friends of Fangs and Queenie’s that she’d been introduced to at family parties and summer barbecues. For the most part Ruthie is pretty bored, reading through the flimsy paper program and wondering what it was like for everyone back when she graduated high school over at Southside High. Neither Ruthie nor Sweet Pea got to have their parents present at their high school graduation, but the Fogarty family never made them feel unwelcome or like anything less than family. They had cheered loudly when Ruthie’s name had been called, whistling and yelling when she walked across the stage. Dante and CD both laughed, watching Ruthie’s eye twitch as the principal called for Ruthann Soh-Peterson. There may have been a smaller number of people to watch Sweet Pea, Queenie, and Fangs graduate, but just because they weren’t loved widely it didn’t mean they weren’t loved deeply.

After Principal Weatherbee’s time at the Farm (Edgar Evernever’s poorly disguised cult), he got super progressive and made it a point to tell all of the seniors that on graduation day they could go by whatever their chosen name was, nicknames included. Ruthie and Sweet Pea had talked about it a few weeks ago at dinner, the merits of going by his given name for the first and only time in his high school career. “Why would I?” Sweet Pea had asked his sister, stabbing his fork into an unsuspecting chunk of broccoli. It was the last time the two brought it up.

Their three names are called sequentially; Queenie Abrejo, Fangs Fogarty, Sweet Pea Soh-Peterson. The uproar of cheers for Queenie, Fangs, and Sweet Pea was so loud that it paled every other family’s reaction in comparison. Ruthie whistled loudly, two fingers in her mouth. The rest of their big, blended family cheered and shouted loudly, clapping loudly and tapping canes against the polished gym floor. The ranks of polished Northside parents stick up their noses at the spectacle and go back to giving fake-polite golf claps. The rest of the ceremony goes by in a flurry of names, students in blue silk gowns walking across the stage to shake hands with Weatherbee and get their diplomas as quick as possible so they could do the cliche cap toss before getting the hell out of dodge, never having to set foot in the halls of Riverdale High School ever again. Atzi’s snoring on Maria’s shoulder and is startled awake by the thunderous applause after the final concluding words. “It’s over?”

When the ceremony is over it isn’t too hard to spot Sweet Pea through the crowd. Ruthie picks through the throng of people and runs at her brother with her arms wide open.

“You did it! Oh, my little high school graduate” Ruthie laughs, snaking her arms around Sweet Pea’s middle and pulling him into a crushing hug.

“Little?” Queenie raises her eyebrow, smirking over at Ruthie as she finally shucks off her graduation robe, handing it off to her little sister who didn’t mind wearing it.

“I’m so proud of you” Ruthie says, releasing her grip on her brother. “I’m so proud of all three of you, you did it!”

“Yeah we did!” Sweet Pea says, hooking his arm around Fangs’s shoulder as the group trailed back to the car.

~~~

The pageantry of Graduation Day was for the parents, everyone knew this. But the graduation party was for everyone else, one of the more enjoyable rights of passage after finishing high school. That was the part Sweet Pea was excited for. After the ceremony he tosses his cap and gown in the backseat of his sister’s car and loosens his tie before Ruthie can even start the engine. The drive back to the Southside is comfortably quiet, like both Sweet Pea and Ruthie needed a moment to recharge their batteries before the festivities. Ruthie pulls the car into the driveway, gravel crunching under her tires, and soon the two of them are barreling up the front steps. Sweet Pea holds out his hand for Ruthie’s keys and unlocks the door quickly, like he couldn’t bare to be in his nice clothes a minute more.

“I won’t make you wear a tie but can you dress up a little? For the pictures?” Ruthie asks, yelling from the kitchen as she gathers up any last minute things she needed to bring over to the Fogarty’s. “Something with sleeves, perhaps?” The sarcasm in her voice is palpable and Sweet Pea laughs as he trades his dress shirt for something that felt a little bit more like him.

The siblings are in and out of their house in record time and Ruthie lets Sweet Pea drive her car the short distance to the Fogarty’s while she sits in the passenger’s seat, clutching onto the crockpot for dear life. There’s already a dull roar emanating from the backyard; someone was bringing a big setup of speakers and Queen had been crafting the perfect playlist for weeks. No one bothers to knock on the front door because it’s never locked any ways. Ruthie immediately gets pulled into the kitchen by Atzi, who thrusts an apron at her before she continued her mission to make more counter space.

“Go find your friends,” Ruthie calls over her shoulder to her brother. “Just remember that you owe me pictures!”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember…” Sweet Pea rolls his eyes and goes to sample one of the hors d’oeuvres but Atzi smacks his hand away with her trusty spatula.

The party continues and more kids show up, all connected to Fangs, Queenie, or Sweet Pea in some way or another. It’s loud and it’s rowdy in the way that parties at the Fogarty house always seemed to get. Everyone was smiling, laughing, and dancing, but the general sentiment among everyone was that they missed Dante’s presence among the family and that they all wished that he’d been able to stop by. Maria and Atzi had been surprisingly tight-lipped about the whole thing and Ruthie was starting to think there might had been some kind of falling out.

Ruthie leans in close to Atzi, who was stirring a bubbling pot of sauce on the stove, seemingly in her own little world. “Did Maria and Dante have an argument or something? Is that why he didn’t show up tonight?”

Atzi glances up at Ruthie and smiles wryly, like all old women who held lots of secrets often did. “Nothing of the sorts, my girl!” She tosses the kitchen towel over her shoulder and goes back to flitting around the kitchen, stirring this and that, making sure nothing burned or bubbled over. “You’re looking a little dehydrated, hon, why don’t you go out into the garage and get yourself something to drink?”

Ruthie doesn’t know if it’s a trick of the eye or if Atzi winked at her. She tries not to take offense to the comment, having thickened her skin after years of “helpful” comments from the people around her. Ruthie was just happy to be relieved of kitchen duty for a little while. Wiping her hands on a towel, Ruthie makes her way into the Fogarty’s garage and to the outside refrigerator to grab herself a soda. She paws through the bottles and cans on the shelves trying to find something but she doesn’t hear the side door open, nor does she hear the familiar footfalls as they approach her.

Ruthie turns around and is startled when she find herself face to face with none other than Dante Fogarty. “Oh!” Ruthie exclaims, her soda can slipping from her hands and rolling out of sight. “Oh, I thought you weren’t coming!” She starts toward Dante and flings her arms around his neck to bring him in for a hug that was long overdue.

“I wouldn’t miss this” Dante says, rubbing his large hand over his best friend’s back. “I’m his graduation present, you know?”

“Your ass had better come with a gift receipt then” Ruthie laughs and gives Dante a playful shove before laughing into an animated rant about how mad she was at him for making her sit through that boring-ass, long-ass graduation ceremony by herself. The two of them want to kill a few minutes talking. Hell, Dante and Ruthie would hide in the garage for the whole party if they could. It wouldn’t be the first time. Dante fills Ruthie in on how everything is going in Centerville. She asks follow up questions about CD and Spyder, laughs as Dante marvels about how good the food from their cousins’s food truck is. Ruthie tells Dante about her new promotion to shift leader at the Elderly Services Department of Riverdale General Hospital. Dante talks at length about his girlfriend Valentina, smiling in a way that Ruthie thought looked good on him. But no matter how much they talked about the present (or the future), it was hard not to be nostalgic for the past, especially tonight.

“Man, your ass was miserable at your graduation party” Dante chuckled, glancing over at Ruthie. He leans against Maria’s old boat of a car that was forever in the garage atop cement blocks. “I’m pretty sure you stood outside and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes until Romeo forced you to come and socialize with everyone”

“Yeah cause it was my graduation party, it was Angel’s and I was just tacked on” Ruthie finds a beer in the refrigerator and uncaps it, her lost soda can long forgotten.

Dante thinks back to the moment before he agrees. “You might be right” He thinks about it some more, remembering the debacle. “You’re onto something there, Ruth.”

When the two of them decide that they had hidden away for long enough, Ruthie sneaks a cigarette to buy just a minute more before dragging Dante inside and into the kitchen. “Hey look who I found!” She calls out loudly, trying to get people’s attention over the music and the conversation. The Abuelas, no longer having to be tight-lipped about Dante’s secret arrival, grabbed his face and kissed his cheeks, giving him spoon and forkfuls of almost-done food that needed tasting. Fangs hears the commotion from outside where he, Sweet Pea, Queenie, and Mabel had all teamed up for beer pong so he opens the screen door, poking his head inside.

“Dante, you made it!” Fangs exclaims happily as he sees his older brother sampling the appetizers that Maria made. He rushes into the kitchen to give Dante a hug and giving him a brotherly slap on the back.

“Aw c’mon, you know I’d never miss something like this!” Dante slings his arm around Fangs’s shoulder and walks back towards the backyard “Now who’s up on the BP table, I want next game!”

~~~

The party persists most of the evening. The Beer Pong tournament ends up being a big debacle, with family and friends gathering around to watch it all unfold. Dante and Fangs played against Ruthie and Sweet Pea. They win the game but Sweet Pea swears that they cheated so he insists on a rematch, only to lose once again. Ruthie and Dante play against Sweet Pea and Fangs and they win again, so by that time everyone’s teasing Sweet Pea about his bad aim. Everyone poses for pictures way longer than they actually wanted to. There was pictures of the graduates, of them and their friends, pictures of the Abrejo family, the Fogarty’s, and the Soh-Peterson siblings. Maria wanted pictures of Ruthie, Sweet Pea, Dante, and Fangs, pictures of her with each of her grandchildren. By the time the cameras are put away everyone’s cheeks hurt and they’re seeing spots from the bright flash against the dark evening sky. Everyone eats twice as much food as they should have, and Maria was already promising to send people home with Tupperware dishes filled with leftovers. Queenie and Mabel sneak slices of the big bakery cake before Chimalma was ready to cut it so they spend the next twenty minutes out front sitting on the curb trying to avoid her motherly wrath. She was still on the warpath about her daughter being the “Only girl in the entire graduating class who didn’t zip up her gown like she was supposed to,” as if that were a supposed to be a bad thing.

Ruthie shakes her head, smiling to herself as she watches Sweet Pea try to shake off Maria, who was following him around the yard with another plate of food and yelling about how “You two boys need to put some meat on your bones before we send you off to college!” Sweet Pea goes to sit by the fire pit, away from Maria and her constant comments. Dante’s roasting marshmallows, eternally determined to piss off Elena by getting Daisy all hopped up on sugar after feeding her s’mores. Ruthie puffs along happily on her cigarette, a healthy distance aware from the rest of the partygoers (Sweet Pea had already come up to her once that evening, pulling a cigarette out of her mouth and grinding it into the dirt under the toe of his big boots). She watches over the party carefully, thinking about how time has passed and how everyone has grown.

“You warm enough over here?” Ruthie asks, her hand coming to rest on Sweet Pea’s shoulder as she approaches where he’s sitting by the fire pit.

He jumps a little, dropping the long wooden stick he was using to prod at the fire logs. “I’m fine” He replies with an eye roll.

Ruthie sits down heavily in one of the plastic lawn chairs than were posited throughout the yard, but loses her balance because of a wobbly, weathered leg. She laughs loudly as he recovers, her blood pumping in her ears. “You don’t have to be so grumpy about it” She teases, bumping his knee with her own.

“I’m not being grumpy!” Sweet Pea retorts, clearly still on edge from Maria’s overbearing attention and affection.

“Is it because you’re cold?” Ruthie raises an eyebrow at her not-so-little brother, already knowing his answer.

“I just graduated high school, Ruth, you don’t have to treat me like I’m some baby…” Sweet Pea shoes his head and brings his long-necked bottle of beer to his lips, taking a hearty sip.

“Oh but you’re always gonna be my little baby!” Ruthie coos with fake, overbearing sweetness and goes to ruffle Sweet Pea’s hair in the annoying yet endearing way that only older sisters seem to have mastered.

Sweet Pea’s scowl breaks into a smile and he rolls his eyes, letting his sister muss up his hair and dote on him just a little longer. He slides his arm around her shoulders and revels in her body heat and the familiar, comforting smell of her lavender shampoo.

“So what do you wanna do with your last summer before college, kid?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it, honestly.” Sweet Pea muses. “Need to find a job so I have a little bit of rent money saved up.” He always thought practically, tethered to the tangible things he needed in order to get by in life. It might have been a trait he picked up from Ruthie, actually.

“You have all summer to work” Ruthie looks over at her younger brother. “You gotta do something fun this summer, okay? Me and you, we’ll go somewhere just us.”

Sweet Pea laughs, his brows creased in both confusion and amusement. “Okay…where are we gonna go?”

“Anywhere…I mean, anywhere my car can get us. Or maybe we rent a car and go up the coast, spend a week at the beach before I send you off to the real world.”

“Sounds nice” Sweet Pea nods in agreement, staring into the fire. “What about the money though, Ruth? A trip like this sounds expensive.”

“You don’t have to worry about the money, kid.” Ruthie sighs, and for the first time in a long time she actually means that. “You deserve way more than this, okay? It’s the least I can do. Nothing’s set in stone now so just promise me you’ll think on it, okay?”

Sweet Pea nods. “I promise”

“I love you, and I’m so proud of you” Ruthie says firmly, as to make sure there was no way for Sweet Pea to slither in and discredit himself and his experiences.

The two siblings sit like that in front of the fire for a while, limbs tangled together, both too old to be twisting their bodies to accommodate for the other’s needed space. Ruthie gives Sweet Pea a rare, quick kiss on his forehead and the two siblings untangle themselves, laughing about who’s old rocket chair would break first. Things get quiet again for a little, just like the party had, bit after a few minutes Sweet Pea speaks up,

“Hey Ruth?” He hesitates, sounding somewhat embarrassed.

“Hmm?”

“Where’s my jacket?” Sweet Pea asks, wincing, already prepared for his sister’s onslaught of I-told-you-so’s.

Ruthie’s eyes blink open quickly, her facing having been turned towards the warmth of the fire that cracked and rippled with every gust of the evening wind. “In the trunk of my car” She laughs, tossing him her keys. Sweet Pea fumbles the catch because of his cold hands and walks towards the car, rubbing his hands over his arms.

“That boy’s gonna be absolutely lost without you” Dante laughs, rounding the fire pit and sitting down.

Ruthie shakes her head and disagrees. “I think he’s gonna be just fine.”

#little brother! sweet pea #sweet pea x ruthie #sweet pea x oc #riverdale sweet pea #sweet pea imagine #oc: ruthie soh peterson #oc: literally ALL of lou's are mentioned #and some of vannah's

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annakie · 3 years

Text

A Lot of Words about a Thing

This is a “I’m writing this out so next time someone asks I can just point them to this (or copy/paste) instead of having to type it again” thing.

I’ve been doing Hello Fresh for the last two or three months and I thought I’d talk about the ups and downs of it and if I’m going to keep doing it. This is not an endorsement (which will be clear when you get to the overall middling scoring), but I will put a link at the bottom so we can both get a deal if you want to try it.

---------------

So anyway, I had been thinking about doing a meal kit for a long time but pulled the trigger on it back in... like Mid-January, I guess?

the tl;dr of it all is that I like it and I’ll probably keep doing it for awhile, but it’s not for everyone, and is expensive for what it is, especially if you already know how to cook.

Before I started, I made myself sit down and write out a quick list of what I wanted to get out of trying a meal kit experience, so I’ll rate how successful or not each one of those things is.

First of all, I want to also say, I can already cook. I’m a pretty good cook. I can follow a recipe and improvise successfully when necessary usually. One reason why a lot of people do a meal kit is because they need to learn how to cook and that definitely wasn’t me.

Also, they offer a variety of number and portions on meals to try. I get three meals a week, with two portions a meal, which means I cook Hello Fresh for dinner one night, and usually the next night have the leftovers. Friday night is usually “Yay You Made It To The Weekend, You Get To Order Takeout” night. You can order for several more meals a week, and for up to four portions in each meal, if you want.

So on to the reasons why I decided to try HF, with a grading of how I feel about each one after trying.

Reason One: Try Something New

I was super excited at the beginning of the pandemic now working from home full time, because this was a great chance to really start trying some new recipes. I had fallen into a pretty bad rut for awhile of some of the same frozen type meals or just making super easy things for dinner and sandwiches for lunch pre-pandemic. Even though my commute was stupid easy I often felt too wiped at the end of the day to make like, real meals. So when the pandemic hit and I was Home All The Time, for the first couple of months I was buying interesting ingredients (what I could get my hands on at the time) and really digging into making new and interesting things. Even baking my own bread and bought some new kitchen gadgets like a pressure cooker to expand my repertoire.

By like... the end of summer... well the good news was that I was still cooking and hadn’t fallen back to a packaged-food routine most of the time (though still some frozen pizzas or bags of pre-made Asian or Italian food you cook on the stovetop mostly for lunch) but also I had more or less found The Ten Things I Make (like Spaghetti, a great chicken and rice dish that is so good and makes about 6 meals worth of leftovers) and I was real tired of like, recipe hunting. The most work I was then doing was finding new pressure cooker recipes and tbh almost all of what I was making was Chicken In Some Kind of Sauce Over Rice. I was burned out.

So Hello Fresh... has been great for that. I have only made the same thing a couple of times and those were only because i loved them so much the first time I wanted that thing again. For the most part, I have tried just a ton of new things, including some ingredients I’ve never worked with before or really thought I wouldn’t like! And I did! I feel like I am often trying something I have never made before.

Reason 1.5: Variety

OK this is hand-in-hand with Something New but also slightly different.

Try Something New would be rated like a 4.5 out of 5 stars.... but some stars are taken away though, because a lot of their recipes are very similar. For a protein, there’s like, chicken breasts, hamburger meat, pork chops, chicken sausage and pork sausage. Occasionally steak. Basically every meal will start with one of those things.... oh and I guess there’s like some fish choices, but I hate fish. There’s also vegetarian options, which I have only occasionally gotten. So within the variety, there’s a lot of similarities.

Also there are a lot of same ingredients in their recipes. I have grated a lot of lemons and limes. I have chopped up a lot of carrots, green onions, and potatoes (so many potatoes.) I have consumed more sour cream than I ever have. I have started looking for ways to add even a little more variety to the things that are often-repeats that they give you.

But part of that is my fault -- I am mostly selecting items that I know I will like, or can modify to how I like. There are a lot of veggie and fish-based choices I could pick up most weeks which I avoid.

And almost everything I’ve ever made... I’d make again. I save all the recipe cards so that someday when I don’t wanna do HF anymore, I will have all them all handy to make later. The HF Subreddit also has a lot of resources like how to do their custom spice mixes, very handy. There’s been maybe 3 things I’ve made which I’d say were Just Okay, but nothing I’d say that was bad. And some of the ideas in this paragraph I talk about more, further down.

But also on the topic of “Variety” -- since every meal I make has two portions (occasionally I will stretch something to three) -- points are given back because I’m not “Making a huge pot of spaghetti that I eat for five meals in a row.” So that’s good, even if it means more cooking overall.

So honestly, on Something New overall, I’ll give this like a 3.5 out of 5 stars, correcting up to 4 stars on a curve, since I strike entire categories of their offerings based on my own tastes. They offer a pretty good variety of meals to select, and part of the problem here is my fault for hating All Seafood and not being thrilled with the vegetarian options (I also don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth without a protein) so there are a lot of meals re-using similar ingredients. It slides back down to a 3.5 though when you factor in Reasons 3 & 4 below.

Reason Two: Kill Analysis Paralysis

A thing I found increasingly happening by the end of last year was analysis paralysis. Especially as I started a new job where I’m much, much busier (but happier) in October. I would find myself staring at the fact that I’d have to make the decision on What To Make For Dinner and dreading it more and more. It wasn’t really the cooking I hated, but the deciding what to cook, which got me into the lack of variety rut. More often than I’d like to admit I’d just make a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese or like... just... toast... for dinner because the decision-making part of my brain was tired... or out of spoons as the kids say these days.

This is maybe my favorite part of Hello Fresh overall. Once every week or two I log onto HF, pick what I’m going to eat like... 5 or 6 weeks in the future, which I can do at a time when I have that decision-making energy, and forget about it. Every Monday a box shows up on my doorstep, I see what nice things I picked out for myself several weeks ago, and the most I have to decide is which order I will make those things in.

So when it’s a “Make Dinner” day, I don’t have that “shit, I have to make a decision” feeling. I already know because I pre-planned it back when I wasn’t at the end of a long workday. It’s one of those small, dumb things that really really helps me mentally in an almost inexplicable way. And I can feel better about myself because I didn’t eat something dumb for dinner. And I still allow myself to make easy things for lunch, like a small frozen pizza, a sandwich and some chips, or hey, Kraft Dinner. And sometimes I do make a big pot of Spaghetti or something that I love and will just have that for lunch every day for a week, and so I don’t have to feel like I’m always cooking.

And on Eat HF Leftovers For Dinner nights, that’s even better, because I have a tasty meal and it just had to get reheated in the microwave or stovetop. Some meals are easy to half-prepare ahead of time on day one, and just do the last steps on leftover night the next night to have fresher dinner easily.

Just 5 out of 5 stars here. This is my favorite part.

Reason Three: Eat More Vegetables.

Uh, yeah, I’m terrible about eating veggies on my own. The best I can do usually is buy a bag of mixed greens and try to have a side salad with dinner, or buy bags of frozen foods and hope they come with veggies I’d eat.

So the good thing here, is that when HF sends me vegetables to make, if it’s a veggie I like, I’ll probably make it.

The big problem, though, is that there’s no substitutions. And I’m still not gonna eat brussell sprouts or, broccoli, or mushrooms. I was a sport and tried making them (except the mushrooms) the first time I got recipes that used them as sides. And nope... still cant.

But hey, I have done a lot better at eating more fresh green beans, and onions, and carrots, and peppers. Though sometimes I just snack on the bell pepper instead of cooking it. Still, I call it a win.

I really, really wish I could trade out the side-dish vegetables I know I won’t eat for like, a small side salad, an apple, or hey, even just... carrots! But nope, no substitutions. =\ I’d score this way better if we could do so.

Still, I’m doing better here, and overall, more vegetables are being eaten. So, 3 out of 5 stars.

Reason Four: Waste Less Food

The amount of fruit and vegetables I’ve ordered and thrown away over the last year make me cringe. I would order things with every intention of eating them and then just... not. Oh yeah I need two lemons, an orange and two limes in case I make ____ recipe! I need a new bag of baby carrots to snack on and make a side dish and cut into a salad!

And then I maybe... maybe use half of that before it goes bad.

Probably less. Because of the Analysis Paralysis and not trying new things. You run into that problem where you don’t have the ingredients on hand to make a new thing so you can’t make a new thing... but then you buy them but forgot (crucial thing) so the thing still doesn’t get made. Or you just... don’t plan when you’re gonna make the thing and by the time I’d be like “Oh yeah I should make something with those vegetables” they’d have already turned.

SO... I felt shitty throwing away so much produce, and loaves of bread, and other perishable food that got maybe half-eaten. So much, for so long. Yeah, I know I could do better with my meal planning, but it’s been one of those things I always vow to do, and then did not do that thing.

Doing HF has really made me re-evaluate what I buy as groceries, and I have cut way down on ordering unnecessary produce and perishables like bread. Because I don’t really have to worry about dinner and am allowing myself to do easy lunches that don’t require real “cooking.” So, overall I am definitely buying and tossing less food.

Also just as another quick note -- what also tends to get tossed out of my HF boxes is a “spicy ingredient” But in some ways, this works in HF’s favor. I don’t really like spicy foods. A small amount of spice is OK but I’d rather just do without it in most things, sorry I’m that white girl. Most “Spicy” HF meals get spicy by a spice blend, a packet of sriracha / hot sauce, or a jalapeno which they want you to cut up and include. So whenever I see something that looks good but listed as “spicy”, I can check the ingredient list first and see what makes it spicy, If I think the thing still sounds good without the spicy part, I can order it. So yeah, I’ll toss spicy ingredients, but that is 100% my choice and it makes things better because it gives me more variety to order those meals and still make it to my own taste.

Oh, and occasionally, the produce is just bad when you get it or not long after. I haven’t had this problem often, mostly with ginger and garlic. I do evaluate which meal has the most perishables when I get my box on Mondays and make those first. Apparently you can call customer service if this happens for a small credit, but I just use pre-diced garlic or powdered ginger when this has happened to me.

So, this would be a 4.5 out of 5 except for... as discussed above... I end up tossing out HF vegetables on occasion I know I hate and won’t eat, and they won’t let me make substitutions.

But also... cooking for myself... when I make a big batch of something that lasts 4 - 6 portions... more often than I’d like to admit, the last portion or two would never get eaten. Sometimes I’d TELL myself I’d eat them in a week or so and freeze them only to throw it all away months later.

So let’s call this a 4 out of 5. Overall, significantly less food waste with HF.

Reason Five: Save Time

I thought that doing HF would mean less prep-work and less time in the kitchen, especially with their easy-to-follow recipes and pre-measured ingredients.

So in that way, yes, time is saved, and it so again takes that mental load off in a lot of ways of not having to make all those pesky decisions. The materials you’re working with and what you need to do are all Right There for you. It’s really, nice.

As a side note, like I said I’m a good cook, and I haven’t had any problems following along anything I’ve made, but there were a few things I think are more of a moderate skill level and could be a little challenging for newcomers. But then, I see people on the HF subreddit all the time saying they learned to cook with no skill and they find the recipes easy so... we’re good there.

However, Saving Time loses points for two big reasons:

First, I’m only making two portions of each meal. Which, ok... this is my decision. I could order four portions per meal. But then... hey that’s taking big points away on the “variety” front.

The Vegetable Chopping / prep work on a lot of the recipes often takes 10 - 20 minutes, depending on the number of fruits and veggies. So yay for meeting Goal #3 (more veggies) even if it is balanced out by Goal #5.

And unfortunately, most meals end up taking up more dishes than I’d like to clean up (usually at least a pan and baking sheet, sometimes also a pot. Plus knife, cutting board, tongs, stirring spoon, maybe a zester, etc.) So no time is saved on cleanup, either.

Mostly where time is saved is having to pick out recipes and making sure you have/buy all the ingredients. Not much is saved in the actual cooking.

I do, however, enjoy the time I spent cooking and the knowledge that I’m gonna make something good, so we’ll give it a bit back, there.

As a time saver, I’d give HF a 2.5 out of 5 stars.

Reason Six: Save Money

Y’all, Hello Fresh is expensive. Honestly the #1 reason I re-evaluate whether I want to keep going with it every few weeks is the cost. Even though I can afford it.

For basically six meals a week, I’m paying $63 for the food, plus $9 for the shipping.

Which means I’m paying $12 a meal. For food I make myself.

Not cheap. A luxury.

Where I don’t feel quite so bad about it is the fact that... for the most part, I am wasting a lot less food. Except, as mentioned, when I can’t swap out vegetables I hate for something I’d actually eat.

So that makes it irk me even more when I am throwing out vegetables I really hate, because they’re expensive vegetables.

Also that price tag is motivation to make and eat every meal.

Overall, my grocery bills have gone down... honestly pretty significantly. Because I’m not overbuying food! Now, they haven’t gone down enough to even out the cost for Hello Fresh... I’m still probably spending about 50% more overall for each dinner now than I was before.

This isn’t a cost savings. It’s an expense, but one I can afford. And part of writing out this post is to remind myself to decide when the experience is no longer worth the expense.

1 out of 5 stars.

Reason Seven: Eat Better

I would like to challenge myself to define “Better” because that’s all I wrote down when I made the list.

Healthier? Eeeehhhhhh.... maybe? But not much.

Hello Fresh does offer lighter choices, and sometimes I pick those because they look good and are filled with things I will eat!

But I’m just as likely to pick the most calor-ific things on the menu.

HF also adds a lot of Sour Cream to their recipes, and encourage you to salt and butter your food liberally. I try to cut down on some of this where I think it’s too much. But sometimes there’s not much to cut out and still have the meal you ordered.

But also I’m not eating any worse calorie-wise than I was before, probably. And overall I’m eating a lot more “real food” instead of “packaged food” and fast food than I was.... especially pre-pandemic. And again, I AM eating a lot more vegetables, so.... that’s... better?

If I define better as Tastier, yeah, I’m doing pretty good in that regard, haha.

So Better as in healthier: 2.5 of 5 stars.

Better as in tastier: 4 out of 5 stars.

Overall Scoring & Tips

Okay, overall that comes out to a 3.18 out of 5, which I’d round up to a 3.5... which is a pretty good score for how I feel about HF overall. My current plan is to keep doing it until I go back to working in the office again, and re-evaluate. For now, it works for me.

IF YOU WANT TO TRY IT, this is my referral link, you’ll get $70 off over a month’s worth of meals (so like, $20 or something off 3 boxes and $10 off the last one, something like that.

I also have four “Free box” codes to give out, PM me if you want one of those. I don’t think those are compatible with the $70 off link, but it might be a box of completely free food for you? I don’t know how it works, but this may be the better deal? PM me.

If you decide to go for it, here’s a few tips:

Every week or two, go in and choose your meals, don’t let HF choose for you unless you really don’t care.

Read the ingredient list and make sure there’s not too much stuff you don’t like coming in a meal.

The extras are pretty expensive and not really worth it.

Plan on each meal taking about 45 minutes to cook from start to finish including chopping vegetables. Another 10 - 20 with cleanup depending if you have to handwash dishes or not.

Look for ways to make the meal healthier, especially if it encourages you to add more butter and salt near the end. You probably do NOT need to do so.

Buy a decent pepper. I love McCormick’s Peppercorn Medley pepper grinder. Also sea salt grinder is my personal salt preference.

Add some of your own seasonings. I buy a jar of pre-diced garlic (yes yes I know the criticisms of the stuff but it’s easy) and throw in a half tablespoon or so of that into a lot of recipes. Also there are a lot of potatoes that they want you to just cook with olive oil, salt and pepper. Throw some garlic or onion salt on them, or some Lawry’s Seasoning Salt or steak salt of your choice for some variety.

Your basic 2 quart pot, 8 - 12″ frying pan and cookie sheet, plus a cutting board, decent veggie knife, and typical kitchen utensil set are all you need. However, a decent meat thermometer and a zester that collects the zest as you go are both highly recommended.

A sieve and very small rice cooker have also been a lifesaver for making good rice that doesn’t get overcooked.

#personal post tag thingy #hello fresh #food #meal kit #meal kits

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hobiwonder · 5 years

Text

What are friends for? | (m)

Pairing: Jungkook x reader x Taehyung

Genre: Crack.Smut. friends to lovers(?), pop essentially liubwnijlwkbc

Warnings: Smut. Ass eating, licking, fingering. Just a whole lot of oral (f receiving), masturbation. Mild dirty talk bc it could’ve been worse.

Words: 4k+

Summary: Taekook are your chaotic best friends and ask if they can try eating ass with you.

a/n: lmao yes i had a dream about this??? go figure. I just wrote this in a few hours so it’s probs not as good as my other smut but ofc, a light wank is never bad once in a while. let me know what u think!!

(eirbuirbnuir they’re so hot omfg)

“What the fuck did you guys want?” You’re almost gritting out between clenched teeth as you slam the door shut. Your chest is heaving, lungs trying to clasp in air as fast as they can because of the sprint you did to Taehyung and Jungkook’s apartment after their text that read “SOS” “EMERGENCY” from Jungkook and Taehyung respectively. You’d been stupid enough to set up this way of emergent communication when you’d all have met early in primary school. And now after more than a decade – old habits die hard. They’d sent you a text and even when your gut had told you so – you just knew– that it was for something stupid again. One time both of these imprudent fools had texted you the same words when they’d blown up their microwave by putting in tin of spaghetti in it. So to save themselves from starvation they’d texted you at around midnight. And slave to your habits you were – one text and here you were after taking a U-turn on your way back from a bad date and in a badmood.

God, how did boys even survive?

So here you were, standing in the kitchen while the two dumbasses you called – unfortunately – best friends stood in the kitchen arguing over something you didn’t care for probably, looking entirely not in an emergency. You probably were just needed to give opinions or fix something in their apartment.

“Fuck you bro! You said you were going to ask her!”

“Uh,” Tae looks horrified like he had just heard the most absurd thing – always so fucking dramatic – “I thought YOU were going to? What? Too pussy now?” His smirk earns him a face full of a couch cushion as Jungkook flings the cushion as hard as he can on to Taehyung’s face – aiming right on target as always.

“At least I know what a pussy looks like you dickhead.”

“What the fuck?” Taehyung is yelling in defence and you can’t believe your poor ears have to witness this exchange. “I’ve not only seen but actually ate it too you butthole!”

Jungkook snort, “Very mature.”

“Shut up!” It’s not your turn to scream and finally the two oblivious boys are looking over at you. You swear the look of surprise on their face seems like they’ve just noticed you. They might as well had been robbed and wouldn’t know past their own ridiculous arguments over who’s had the most sexual exploits. Stupid boys.

Ugh you hated them.

“Neither of you are mature you numbnuts.” Their eyes are scanning you from top to bottom – no shame like always. Taking in your short little red dress and the heels you’d bought especially to go to this stupid orchestra with your boring ass trust fund date. God, rich people had so much money and yet they spent it like that? Who takes someone on a first date to the Opera? You had sat there just listening to the singer while your date had been so immersed you might as well had come alone. The dress had shown your figure perfectly and highlighted the areas of your body that needed to stand out, perfectly. Your legs looked amazing because of the heels and longer than they were. You’d looked good. Even you could say it. But of course. Why would the night continue off like that? It had to be ruined by a boy and then ruined further by more boys. In conclusion to this essay: boys were the problem!

Ugh, you needed to get laid.

“So what’s the emergency? Why did I have to drive here? Hm?” You sounded like an interrogating mother and they looked as confused as the children of said mother would probably look.

“You look mad.”

“And hot.” Jungkook adds and you just want to slap him. But you can’t help the tiny flutter in your belly at his blatant staring. Though Taehyung just glares at the younger boy to be quiet when they see that you look more mad than usual. Yes, they pissed you off often.

“Because I am.” You continue to glare at them both, heels clicking as you walk forward, dumping your clutch on the kitchen counter and letting your hair out from the tight bun it was in. “So? The fuck you two want now?”

“Uhh, Taehyung was about to ask you.”

“Wait dude, what the fuck? You ask!”

“We agreed that you’d-” Your hands go up in your hair t fluff it out before clutching it tight to give a frustrated pull before you slam your hands on the kitchen counter, aking them both look at you again.

“Just get to it. Hyungwon was one of the most boring dates ever and whatever you two have to ask cant be worse than that.”

“Uh..w-what if it is?” Jungkook gives a little shrug, nonchalantly and your eyebrows furrow. The two of them rarely ever hesitated in making requests from you. How bad was this going to be?

“Then no.” You pick up your clutch, ready to leave when both of their hands grab each of your arms, rushing forward to stop you from leaving.

“Wait! You may even like it!”

“Yeah y/n maybe it’ll turn your night right around.” Jungkook’s eyebrows are going up and down suggestively and now you’re a little nervous and the butterflies are coming back. What was happening?

“J-Just spit it out then.” Your hands go up in the air in exasperation that they were both beating around the bush so much.

Taehyung looks at Jungkook and Jungkook returns his unsure gaze and they both seem to be having a secret conversation between themselves. Amazing how boys could communicate with any words suddenly.

“Speak!” You shout again when their telepathic communication continues. They really did share one braincell huh?

“We were wondering if you’d let us eat your ass.”

“Yeah okay.” You’re shrugging in agreement like you always did – until your brain finally registers what they’ve said. “ Wait, what?!”

They’re both looking around anywhere but at you like the ceiling is so interesting. Your face is going hot and flushing to the point that even your vision seems a bit rosy. What the fuck went through their mind to come up with this idea? You weren’t blind. You had seen your chubby little friends grow up to be chiselled and toned and tall and broad young men. You saw the countless girls they brought home and how people did double takes whenever the three of you went clubbing. But of course, that didn’t mean you had a problem with it. Sure… at some point or another you’d had a crush on them both but you were over it when they pooped literally with the door open in your house.

You all were too close for you to mess it up. Plus, you couldn’t choose between the two. You loved both of these stupid handsome boys too much to make one of them the third wheel. That’s if they even liked you. But why else would they ask this of you?

“Well you see, Jungkook here,” Taehyung’s glare shuts up Jungkook’s protest before he continues to explain, “Said he wanted to try it before he did it with any girl. And frankly, I’ve had a few girls want me to do that to them so I wanted to try it beforehand as well.” He’s shrugging casually again as if this was no big deal.

“So… let me get this straight,” your eyebrows are furrowing again but this time in annoyance once again, “You want me to be the experimental lamb before you two shitheads go off ass licking?”

They just nod. Yup. They nod like you were the one oblivious here.

“I’m going to kill you both one day. Just wait.” You’re nodding as you back up, pointing at them both before you left.

“Y/n!”

“Bro wait!” Jungkook is calling you bro like he didn’t just ask if he could eat your ass.

They’ve now sandwiched you between them both, Jungkook at your back while Taehyung blocks your access to the main door.

“Just hear us out y/n.”

“Uhhhh no thanks you twinks. I need to sleep!”

“You may like it!” You ponder for a few seconds and you know that if you tell them that you already know you like it then they will trap you here until they’ve done what they asked you here to do.

“I know I will.” Damn your loose mouth because you’ve already mumbled it out loud. And while Taehyung is looking at you confused and asking you to repeat what you said – Jungkook has shrieked in your ear that you wince and cover it.

“Hyung! She’s already tried it. Damn girl!” Ugh he was so immature. Stupid boy. Your best friend made you question your standards when it came to friends. He was lucky he was so cute and you knew that he wasn’t all just looks and muscles.

“Y/n,” Taehyung is gasping in mock shock as his hands slide down your hands to your waist, so casually rubbing at it while he leans his head down to try and catch your gaze as you nervously looks around – trying your hardest to look angry and not embarrassed for your slip up.

“You naughty girl.” He’s smiling his greasy smile and you’re done trying. You are annoyed now.

“Ugh let me go you noodles. I’m not going to be your experiment.”

“But you like it! It’s a win-win!”

“So you think you’ll like it?” You’re leaning back to look at the other, more muscly male who’s back hugging you, his breath warming the crevice in your neck.

“I think so. I love eating pussy so why not just a little further down?” He’s saying it all like he’s having a conversation about cereal and you can’t help but blush like crazy. You knew your best friends didn’t have a filter but wow. Having them this close to you, their hands on you at once was a bit… much. Or maybe you were just expecting to get laid tonight but definitely not by these two dorks.

“Very good point Jungkook. Logical thinking. I like that.”

“Why thank you good sir.” You roll your eyes as they complement each other like they weren’t fighting like 13 year olds just a few minutes ago.

“Ugh shut up. Both of you.” You sigh. Knowing that if you were dragged out here after that terrible abomination of a date – you get to be a drama queen too – might as well get something out of it, right?

“Where are we doing this?”

“Wait really?”

“Fuck yeah. I knew she’d say yes.” Jungkook says at the same time Taehyung is surprised. That little shit always thought too highly of himself. But you probably would say yes to most things they asked of you. You loved them too much. Plus they would probably die without you.

“We love you y/n! love you noona.” Jungkook is cooing in your ear, squeezing the life out of you as he tries show his appreciation by acting like the baby he is because he knows it gets to you. Meanwhile, Taehying is hugging you now as well, kissing your cheeks in little pecks, making your face – and now your body too – feel way too hot.

“S-stop. Both of you.” You try to fight off their kisses and cuddles as they walk you to the couch. “Stop acting cute when you two are literally about to be up my ass.”

“Whatever. You love it.” You just roll your eyes while Taehyung only sends you an air kiss that you pretend to gag at.

“Okay so just turn around,” Taehyung is turning you around to face the couch and it goes silent for a few 10 seconds. All that can be heard now is the three of you breathing and you realise that- - wow – this really is happening. Maybe that glass of wine was making these decisions for you. You’ll probably regret this later but right now you were high on endorphins.

“I am turned around Tae. What now?” You speak up when it’s been approximately a minute and he still hasn’t said anything else.

“Bend her over hyung,” You hear Jungkook’s throaty voice from somewhere behind Taehyung and you can hear the intake of breath from Taehyung who is directly behind you, hands on your waist. And then he slides his hands to the middle of your lower back, pushing you slightly forward until you’re bending over, resting your hands on the backrest of the couch. “Put your knees on the couch as well babe.”

Your breathing is picking up again. And even though this isn’t the first time Taehyung has referred to you with the endearment, the situation that you three are currently in is entirely different from all those previous one. But of course – you do as he says and place your knees on the couch so you can lean forward more comfortably while your derriere sticks out to the two men behind you who are definitely getting an eye full of your ass.

A warm, large, palm is going up from the tops of your thighs to the top of your ass until they run down the same path again – kneading your ass. And of course, your mouth can’t keep quite as a tiny moan slips out at the comfortable – enjoyable sensation of your ass being essentially massaged loosens the knots in your muscles there.

“She likes it.” Jungkook whisper’s this time while taehyung stays quiet and then another hand joins, feeling your buttock on the opposite side and you can tell that this is Jungkook’s hand because it’s slightly more rushed just like how impatient Jungkook is. But overall, still incredibly relaxing. These two idiots knew what they were doing. So far at least. The massaging continues, sometimes one hand slips a little too in to the slit between your asscheeks through the dress, kneading the dimples in your back.

“We’re going to lift your dress now, noona.” You just moan a reply, head resting on your hands that are crossed in front of you on the couch. Taehyung hasn’t said a word while he silently has just caressed and felt.

You feel the cool air between your legs – and your thoroughly ruined underwear but you were past the point of caring. The dress is being slid over your back until it rests just above your waist – completely baring your underwear clad hips to their eyes while simultaneously both of them are cursing under their breath.

“You’re soaked.” It’s the first time Taehyung’s deep voice has reverberated through the room and it makes a shiver go down your spine with the way he says the words. Like he’s accusing you of a heinous crime. Then his hand is back on your ass, the cool feeling of his rings clad fingers making you flinch just slightly as his hands get even more bold.

“D-Duh. You’re playing w-with my ass.” You’re trying to sound nonchalant, like it doesn’t affect you as much as their hands actually are. You’re so horny now that you want to shout at them to hurry up already.

“Noona, you’re so gorgeous.” Jungkook’s amazed voice only puts your body at ease, knowing that they liked what they saw. It was a nice boost to your quickly diminishing confidence.

“Fuck!” The whimper is ripped from you when Taehyung had dragged the band of your underwear back and let it snap against your ass and pussy with a harsh tug. But of course it only makes you wetter.

“Look kookie, she’s dripping even more. She loves it. You love this don’t you y/n?”

You don’t respond, only bite your lip as you throw your head in your hands again – too mortified to say anything. But when Taehyung’s palm is striking against your buttock, you’re yelping and jerking forwards in to the couch, hands finding purchase on the back of the couch now.

“I asked you a question Y/n.” You had an idea of how rough Taehyung good be but never could confirm the rumours. Until now.

“Y-Yes.”

“Good. We want you to like it.” And just like that, he’s pulling away the ruined string of your thongs aside, exposing the tight ring of muscles that they both wanted to see in the first place.

“Fuck…. Look at that hyung.” Jungkook sounds like he’s leaning over now because you can feel a breath closer to your skin and it makes your breathing fasten even more.

“She’s clenching.” They’re talking to each other like you aren’t even there and it makes your skin even more feverish. Fuck why was this so hot?

“Her pussy is clenching too.” Jungkook so graciously points out and you can feel his hand on your ass sliding down. And just before it reaches its destination, he asks. “Can I touch your pussy noona?”

His voice sounds so innocent, so incongruous with his actions but what were you going to say when he spoke to you like that? Say no?

“Yeah baby. G-Go ahead.” You look behind you for the first time and finally see the way the two are positioned and it makes your blood run even hotter that you’re surprised it hasn’t burnt your skin to a crisp from the inside out. Taehyung stood directly behind you and your mind momentarily slips to another reason he may be in that position but you push that thought away when you see Jungkook on his knees, hands on your ass like it was the 8thwonder of the world, kneading and rolling it while one hand finally slipped further down to your aching pussy. His fingers are parting your sticky lips and the labia surrounding your engorged clit as he massages the wetness in even further – making obscene sounds bounce off the living room walls.

“Fuck, she’s so wet.” Taehyung hums in agreement while his own large fingers slip in between with Jungkook’s to gather your arousal as lubricant because he’s bringing them back up once he’s thoroughly coated them in it. Your moaning, whimpering and letting out small cries as Jungkook continues to massage your pussy while Taehyung is circling the tight ring of muscles with your slick arousal as well. It’s a sticky mess and you can very well hear it.

“You go first hyung. I’m hungry for this.” Your head is whipping back quickly at Jungkook’s stammering but it’s too late – he’s already dipped his head down and clasped your clit firmly in his mouth as he gently sucks.

“oh god.” A dry sob leaving your lips as the tears steadily well up in your eyes from the sheer intensity of the sensations. Especially when Taehyung is also kneeling and has now started to tongue your ass while Jungkook has a feast further down. The scene unfolding in front of you is so hot that you’re almost cumming on the spot because by god – getting head from two boys? Heaven. You know you’re absolutely ruined now. Your best friends have spoiled you.

“Ah,” A high pitched moan that would put porn stars to shame – leaves you when Taehyung stiffens the muscle of his tongue and probes your asshole with it. Repeatedly trying to jam his tongue inside you further and further in with each thrust. Jungkook is only helping the knot building up in your belly to tighten rapidly.

“Tae!” You’re crying out loud when he has grasped both of your ass cheeks, spreading them apart obscenely before flattening his tongue against the tight ring and licking and flicking at it rapidly. You knew you loved having your partners go down on you there but of course – it wasn’t exactly the most common of occurrences.

“Can I put a finger inside your ass y/n? Can I? Please?” He’s almost pleading between licks – mouth wet from his own saliva and your arousal that he keeps sampling to smear on your rear. You just vigorously nod your head and he’s placing a kiss on your cheek – oddly sweet – before he’s sliding down to your pussy where Jungkook’s face is still shoved, licking and sucking lightly – not hard enough to make you cum just yet but enough to torture you.

With one thrust, Taehyung’s finger is deep inside your pussy, thoroughly coated in your arousal while you can only whimper and hold on to the couch as he withdraws his thick, long finger to bring it up to your ass and circle the tight opening there.

“It’ll burn for a second baby.” You don’t have time to reply because he’s already pushing it in, your thoroughly wet ass sucking his finger right in.

“Fuck fuck fuck. Tae h my god. J-Jungkook.” You don’t know who’s making you suffer more. Jungkook with his mouth making out with your pussy or Taehyung’s finger that’s slowly pushing in until he’s in until it’s nestled in deep while his fat tongue licks around the intrusion. But one thing is for sure – you’re going to cum.

“I-I’m so c-close, oh god.” Tears have finally escaped your eyes as you push your ass against Taehyung’s face while Jungkook is almost laying on the floor, messily sucking at each of your pussy lips before taking in your blood swollen clit in his mouth to suck it raw. Taehyung’s finger has now started a nice pace but just when you’re about ti cum he’s withdrawn the finger and replaced your gaping entrance with the stiffened muscle of hif tongue. And then you’re coming. All over Jungkook’s face and the pleasure is so intense that your vision has gown bleary and you’re almost sure you died for a second.

“Fuck hyung, s-she squirted.” You’re too out of your mind to notice anything other than trying to steady your breathing. But you do finally glance back to see Jungkook’s wet shirt around the chest area and the shine on his lips and chin.

“You’re so hot noona oh my god.” He’s placing kisses all over your ass and you haven’t even had time to recover before they’ve already switched positions. Jungkook has wasted no time in spready apart your cheeks wide and shoving his tongue in right there in contrast to Taehyung’s more paced approach but you were too sensitive and were going to flinch either way. But when You hear Taehyung’s zipper go down – your temperature is rising again. Jungkook has now discarded his shirt as has Taehyung. Both of them were naked from the waist up while you were exposed from the waist down. Not fully but Jungkook is quickly taking off your absolutely ruined underwear and discarding it on to the building pile of clothes.

“Be gentle kook. I-I’m sensi- Fuck!”

Of course he’s doing before listening. His tongue is flat on your asshole, continuously licking up and down, faster than Taehyung and this alone is going to be enough to make you cum this time because you’re so worked up already. But of course, Taehyung can’t help but join in again as you feel his hand on your flinching pussy, rubbing your wet entrance and rubbing the nectar around your thighs, thoroughly coating you in your own mess. But you weren’t too mad about it. You liked their messiness for once.

“I love your ass noona. Isn’t it great Tae? Fuck we should’ve done this sooner.” His words are muffled as he talks between sucks and licks. Of course he would talk while he eats. Messy. Your internal laughter is dying down when Taehyung is shoving his ring covered middle finger inside your trembling pussy once again – but this time, he doesn’t pull out. He pushes it back in despite your withering form from the continuous assault on your sensitive skin.

“T-Tae-Ah- p-please. I can’t, n-no more. Oh fuck.” You’re crying and letting out small sobs, back aching from being bent over like this for so long but the pleasure is so much and so addicting it’s like you’ve been kept away from your drug when you’d never even taken it in the first place. Jungkook licks down to your perineum before coming back up to your clenching hole and fucking it with his tongue, setting an unremitting pace while Taehyung is fucking your clenching cunt with his bony fingers. And this continues over and over. You and Jungkook mostly moaning while Taehyung is grunting and growling out obscenities once in a while, jacking off his hardened length with his free hand while the other ruts in to you.

All it takes is one look behind you and seeing Taehyung’s girthy length – red, veiny and the head fattened with blood – leaking profusely while his wrist is snapping inside your pussy as well as Jungkook’s black mop of hair as his face is almost shoved entirely up your ass. That’s it. You’re gone with a shout.

“I-I’m cuming!”

“Come for us y/n. Fuck yeah. All over Jungkook’s tongue and my fingers.” Taehyung is growling, snapping his fingers inside your walls so fast and the accompanying shove of Jungkook’s tongue inside your ass is enough to have you leaking like a faucet – making the most obscene symphony of noises – better than that damn orchestra – sound the walls of the living room as you cum once again. Much less in duration but just as intense.

Taehyung’s hand has left your pussy and opted for grasp and tug at his shaft in rapid movements until he’s heaving and growling out his orgasm – cumming all over your ass.

“F-Fuck, c-can I cum over your ass too noona? P-please? Oh fuck.” Only when Jungkook has stood up that you realise he’d been just as painfully hard and had at some point started to palm himself through his jeans. And now that he slides his fist over again and again – slightly longer than Taehyung but not as thick – you can see how he’s leaking the pearly white liquid as well. And of course. You’d let him do anything to you right now.

“Go ahead baby. Cum on noona’s ass.”

“F-Fuck yeah. Oh fuck. I love you noona.” Your heart is fluttering and you’re not given a chance to dwell on his declaration further because you feel the spurts of his own orgasm dirtying up your ass, sliding between your cheeks and wetting your skin. And you honestly loved it all.

Fuck you loved them both.

You’re all breathing hard. It’s been at least a minute when you feel Taehyung’s hand rubbing in both his and Jungkook’s cum in to your ass, massaging it in your skin that you’re finally coming to your senses and realising how sore your back will be. Fucking hell. You’re about to straighten up but Taehyung is already wrapping his sticky hands around your waist and turning you around to lay you across his and Jungkook’s lap. Your eyes are closing and your body is giving in to its tired state. You’ll worry about the regrets and explanations tomorrow. Right now, you just wanted to snuggle both of your annoying friends who just made you cum twice. And they haven’t even fucked you.

Yet.

“Love you y/n.” That’s the last thing you hear before you’re dozing off.

a/n: let me know what u thought :)) i’m still working on baby baby so this is in case i dont post it early.

#bts smut #jungkook smut #taehyung smut #jungkook x reader #taehyung x reader #hobiwonder

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boredom-thingy · 5 years

Text

TL;DR- I have been sorta kinda diagnosed with Executive Function disorder (psychologist said it was very very very likely that I was suffering from it, but he couldn’t do anything) and I think I’m emotionally abused by my parents. I’m still trying to figure out whats what and what problem comes from where and if I can life hack it. I’m looking for help and/or other people suffering from the same things to add to the list. This is my list of symptoms.

Hey, all of you out there who struggle with executive function disorder or have been emotionally abused, or both. I have sorta been diagnosed with EFD and I think I’m being emotionally abused (I could be wrong and over reacting, I honestly can’t tell). Its been a while but I’m slowly discovering more and more symptoms that I thought were normal or scared the shit outta me (and still do) originally. Here’s an incomplete list, mind agreeing or disagreeing with them and adding your own? And/or how you deal with them?

My Incomplete (and ever growing) List-

Time. My sense of time is off, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. There are times when I think something happened 2 months ago when in reality, it happened years ago. I can be left home alone and when my parents get home and ask me what I did for hours on end, I have zero clue, its just a blank hole. I lose track of time extremely easily too.

Other Disorders. I often feel like my particular brand of screwyness happens to combine other mental illnesses/disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, adhd, add, odd, and paranoia among others

Depersonalization/derealization(dissociation). Especially here recently, I think I’ve been suffering from episodes of Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Its happened in the past but not as much as right now.

I feel like I’m going insane. Constantly. I feel like I’m over-reacting to everything, like everything is in my imagination.

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong/upset people. People I don’t know, people I do know, people I love. I always feel like I’ve upset them or I’m some kind of burden or I’ve done something wrong. (Leads to me apologizing to a chair for hitting it.)

Extreme clumsiness. This one is prolly just me. But its often a source of anxiety for me.

Social skills are next to nothing. I can’t make friends. All the ones I have were introduced to me by other people or approached me on my own. And most of the time they end up ditching me and telling me its my fault. Also, my timing is shit. I’ll walk up and ask you for something while you're busy.

Cotton. I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I can’t think straight. My thoughts are either spaghetti or a train wreck. I lose track of what I was thinking extremely easily.

Memory. My memory is shit. My parents claim its not, and I feel like it didn’t used to be, but it is now. I forget how to do something when I read or heard the instructions 10 seconds earlier. I forget things that are important to me, things that I wanted to get or do. I forget when things happened (ties in with the time issue.) I can’t remember important life events, or more accurately, I can remember them, but the memory seems weirdly muddled and I cant remember when it happened.

Food. I love food. But there are times when I’m light-headed and dizzy, and I know I should eat, but I just... Don’t want to. The thought makes me nauseous, its too hard to get up, I’m not actually feeling hungry (despite the fact that I can hear my angry tummy and I can feel the light-headed/dizziness), etc.

Being left alone (especially with not much to do). I don’t fear abandonment (ok I do a little, but that not the problem here.) I fear my own brain. I hate being left alone, especially for long periods of time because when I run out of things to keep my mind occupied, all those thoughts I forced to go away come steam rolling back. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts, extremely depressing thoughts, disturbing thoughts that scare me witless, thoughts of running away, etc. I can’t stand my own brain. It scares me.

Motivation. I go to school online, 4.1 gpa (so far) and I am a fairly self motivated person. But there are times when I can barely find the motivation to grab my glasses off the nightstand 2 inches from my face and other times when I’m motivated to do something, I’m almost in a frenzy, and I’m hyper-focused on it. And there are times when I really want to do something (usually something that I love, like a hobby) but the thought of doing it makes me nauseous and I just don’t want to. Or if its a creative thing, like writing, I can’t seem to form a single idea or spark to get me started. My brain nopes out and I can’t do anything but stare at the paper, desperately wanting to write, but my brain is a bout as blank as the paper is.

Body-brain disconnect. Sometime my body and my brain seem to be on separate wavelengths. I want to stop scrolling through pinterest, but I can’t seem to make myself. I want to get up and eat, I know I need to, but I can’t make myself. I want to get up and do dishes or take a shower or do something, but my body just wont move. I want to go do something fun, like watch tv or draw, but I’m no moving, no matter how much I want it.

Pain. I am always in some kind of physical and/or mental pain. Headaches(near constant dull headache), back aches(always), cramps even when no where near that time(I am female), random muscle twitches/spasms/aches, etc. Oh and nausea. I’m nauseous a LOT. I also am light-headed or dizzy (or both) a lot.

Extreme mood swings. I go from being so happy I could burst to emotionally shut down and sobbing in the corner in the blink of an eye. I go from being so pissed off that I want to slam my fist through a wall and break things to being so depressed I want to kill myself and repeatedly slam my head against the wall until I can’t see straight. I also sometimes get extremely frustrated/angry with the smallest things, like a noise, or something not working right, or the pets being annoying. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to scream and break something or hit something (I never do and try my absolute hardest not to.)

Morbid thoughts. Fleeting morbid thoughts, generally about somehow injuring/harming myself. I might see a light socket and think “oh hey, you should stick a fork in that and see what happens” or I might see a pair of nail clippers or scissors and think “I wonder what would happen if I tried to cut x-spot on my body with those.” When I was younger, I used to want to sew patterns in my skin with a sewing needle and thread (never did, thank god) so they would scar over and create neat patterns on my skin.

War. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain, I talk to myself a lot. (I am an only child with parents that run their own business ((making them constantly busy)) so that is very possibly a reason I talk to myself. I also have very few friends and I talk to walls and my two dogs as well.) I tell my brain to shut up, to stop it, I feel like it has a mind of its own. Thats weird to say. (woooooo I'm totally crazy, right?)

Apologies. I apologize to literally everything. And about everything. I’ll apologize to a chair for bumping it. I apologize to my boyfriend when I rant to him or ask for help from him. I apologize for anything and everything, small or big. The bigger the issue, the more embarrassed and upset I am about it. Even if its not big to the other person. Ties in with always feeling like I did something wrong.

Defense. I am always on the defense, and sometimes it turns into offense. I always feel like I have to defend myself and everything I do or say that might have even the smallest chance of upsetting someone. And if I know it has or will upset someone, I defend myself more, to the point that it sometimes becomes offense. I can’t stop myself, I feel like I have to defend myself or I’m going to lose something or someone, or they’re going to take something I want or love away from me.

Noises and other various audio things. Sometimes I feel like I can just barely hear someone calling my name, or a song, or a noise, or something just barely audible, but no matter how much I search for it, I can’t find it. Other times I can quite clearly hear someone calling my name, but I’m home alone, or when I ask my parents or the other people around me, they respond with confusion and a “no one called your name.” Other time noises, like beeps from the printer, even when I’m the one causing it and/or I’ve heard it multiple times in the past few minutes, jar me. They cause a jarring sensation, that is almost bone deep, I feel it in the back of my skull and it causes me to jump just a little.

All of these things are terrifying to me at various levels and they only seem to be getting worse. I study psychology for fun, I plan on going into it as a profession, eventually. I have done research on most of this, but I can’t find much on any of it (except emotional abuse), especially executive function disorder. Please help? (I am always adding to things when I think of more.)

@bradshore @katimorton @we-care-org

#executive function disorder #emotional abuse #help #psychology #dissociation #incomplete

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iammorethanaflower · 5 years

Text

| Write |

As a writer, they tell you that you must just sit down and write. They don't tell you that this process is ugly. That you will sit down, early in the morning or late at night, looking like crap, feeling even crappier and find out that you have no words. So, you sit down and write about writing and what does it help with? I'm not sure. I have a lot of feelings that I tend to push down but the fact is that I need those feelings to create. Sometimes when it is this early in the morning or late at night, the feelings fall out on accident; my mind too tired to create the damn or hold it up. I'm often exhausted. My body fights against my brain thanks to a nice disease that I happen to take medication for but it never seems to help me find the answers I seek or the sleep I need. My hair is greasy and my children are loudly playing in the other room, my oldest sits just near me with her tutor, studying some form of math that I hate (I hate most forms of math which is why we have a tutor.) I decide in the middle of the very early morning that I'll cook some smashed potatoes for a snack and then I'll make garlic bread and spaghetti because it sounded good and I hate filipino bananas. They taste so funny compared to American(?) bananas and this is not me being a snob (well, maybe) but it's true. They aren't sweet in the way you'd expect them to be and it is severely off putting. I need imported bananas.

I cant stand rambling on any longer so i

misplace all the words from a paragraph

into stanzas that will fall apart eventually.

Without any heartfelt words or blood shed

a paragraph made into a stanza could never

be more than a paragraph. Paragraphs are for

essays, articles, research, but not really for poetry.

Maybe for prose. I don't write prose often anymore,

it used to be my favorite but I lost interest maybe

when my mind became sleepier or fuller, or both.

Motherhood has changed the way that my brain works

a little bit. I have more structure. I am more rigid,

I am more "hey are you supposed to be here or should

you be studying?" I want them to read literature. I want

them to experience art. I want them to be able to code

programs that remind them to brush their teeth and kiss

their kids goodbye before they run off to the job of their dreams.

My brain went from "creative mess" to "structure chaos."

It's okay though. I can't say that I hate it or despise it or that

it has ruined me. If anything it has made me...Sit down and write.

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1112lw · 5 years

Note

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official @ace-landofthesun @dorkalisious and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

#Arche.txt #asks #ask #long post

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cielospeaks · 4 years

Text

cleone specific lb5 stuff bc i finished it (and odysseus for christmas pls?)

-holds like. no grudge against jason, is kinda like “okeanos... who? idk” but does pick on him teasingly a bit. but at the end of the day its good hearted respect in regard to him. shes still shook when the stuff happens at the end and wishes shed been nicer to him/let him know how much he helped the group

-is completely (or at least a little) aware of cordy’s crush on her, and flirts back with the ulterior motive to fluster cordy. always makes sure to let her know shes loved and appreciated here, and even if she doesnt like herself that cleone likes her a lot

-despite not caring abt past story stuff is upsetti spaghetti abt drake, so same as the game abt that

-does not trust “tmfc” at all. probably has to be restrained by mandy and mashu to stop her from going at him (too bad teach and anders are busy? lol) when they first meet. despite that shes still screaming bloody murder at him. “get out get out get out of his body! get out!” she only stops when she sees tears in mashu’s eyes, and then it hits her it must be harder for mashu to see this- its her dads dead body this fker is wearing like a suit, so she calms down. but glares daggers at him the whole time.

-after the story goes to have some time alone. really just passes out and cries a little, in some order. mashu and the others stop by a bit later, and she acts more ok than she is.

-has no interest whatsoever in wodmine and the second part, but is basically just doing it bc everyone else is dead and she doesnt want their sacrifice to be in vain.

-post lb w chaldea servants, its a bit (a lot) harder than previous lostbelts/events/ect. kinda sees cordy and jason and the others and just kinda stops like “oh. thats right theyre alive here”. usually she handles it a bit smoother and more honestly but after the stuff in this one, esp regarding her own (and mashus) past, and that the crypter wasnt sympathetic, shes a bit more awkward and reserved. if talking to one of the servants might stop, giving them a look with eyes that they can tell cant shake the sight of them covered in blood.

and my own thoughts on lb bc whyynot

-largely the same as cleone as expected. loved the friend servants (and odysseus), dont trust tmfc at all (and tbh im irritated w his appearance), wodmine, or the alter egos, but whatever. i dont have any strong feelings on lb6, but i feel like gareth will destroy us w her appearance there. (and maybe salome too? she hasnt appeared in anything yet i think). lov mandy but ive only got 60ish quartz for odysseus sooooo

-the fights were eh. i dont think they were better or worse than the other lostbelts tbh. tho i prolly used more quartz relatively lol. rip

-the fgo take on greek mythos is.... unique. its not as endearing or fun as other nice (not necessarily favorite but) adaptations of it, but it could be much worse. i do wonder if its some kinda “deus ex machina” pun.

-i really hope the mystery archer is a new character. the fan hypotheses for an already existing character suck tbh, and id much rather have a new character introduced (also iirc they say they havent met the chaldea group? so uh). personally i hope its kagekiyo bc he is connected to kintoki (and was also in tomoe’s guide thing?) lamb sauce soon. lamb sauce and nobody gonna eat up my quartz

-i know the twins are supposed to be “cool” and “badass” but every time someone mentions them my brain goes “CASTOR AND POLLUX WELCOME TO THE DOG POUND” from that one dalmations 3 video

-anyways message to future me, whenever part 2 releases, 1. dont be a dumbass like for part 1 and dont listen to any english speaking fan “leaks” bc its just attention seeking wish fulfillment, and 2. save for kagekiyo/odysseus/nemo

#gameblogging #oc ramblings

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fortheloveofcringe · 5 years

Photo

n e e d y //

I could go and write something where people would look up to me like a success story. That’s always a way to prove you’re something in the society you live in. It’s the easier choice, to make people feel like there is hope and success at the end of the dark tunnel but then people tend to overlook or push-back, the fact that there are things that happen along the road, they happen at the scariest time and moments in your life and never do these “people” who I have dealt with bother to feel it unless it needs to be felt. It’s like emotion these days has to have an on and off button. That’s scares me a lot, but then these days I’ve been thinking, being scared doesn’t do nothing to me, it just make me fight more, even after so much downfall and rejection.

Rejection, I’m going to touch bases with this one. Something I’ve dealt with my entire life. From my paternal grand parents making me feel like an abomination just because I was gay and no one in the bloodline has to be gay, or to the most fresh wound I have, which marks it’s first month today, me being single, after such a wonderful, scary and inspiring relationship with Timothy.

You know something, perhaps I’m writing this as a formal closure to that chapter in my life because for so long I have been writing about so much sad stuff in the cloud of anger that I just want to get things off my chest differently which is to address this in a way where I’m the monster, and I’m not anymore pointing my fingers to the monsters in my story. I can’t even believe I called myself a monster right just about now.

Anyway, Timothy, if you would read previous entries you might get the idea of a modern day fairy tale relationship. None of my wildest dreams per say. I adored him so much that it just hurt us both, badly. To cut the long story short. He just never needed me the way I needed him. It sucks. To just throw dreams of having a bright future with someone out of the window just because it hurts your eyes and you want to do a reality check but I guess that’s why we have sunglasses, they say it protects the eyes. I never realized some eyeglasses are fake and just do nothing but leave marks on your nose.

Needy. I’m needy. I’ve been crying and going crazy for weeks now. This has been such a wild ride with him that looking back now I just feel like everything we had was just from a book. A Novel, a fictional one. I wish him the best however it just makes me feel a certain way knowing I have suffered more than he did. It’s like all the entire time I believe he had some reservations about us and he knew we are not going to work out and a few puzzle pieces come into my mind to support this claim. One, he never formally introduced me to his family because I think he never wanted them involved when it all crashes down unlike mine where my family had known him and are angry and tears knowing I almost tore my relationships with them just to have Timothy by my side. Two, being with him, despite the care and the love, felt like a love prison, for both of us. What I mean is I felt like he was just faking it to make sure he complied with the “ideal boyfriend” persona he describes himself as because there are moments when he had rolled his eyes at me to the back of his skull thinking “Hambert is not really worth it”. Three, and last, in support of number two, He admitted he wanted someone else. Not me. I’m glad I had so much time to make sure I have figure out the science of persuasion that I figured out a way to make him spill the truth to me and I have to say it was fucked up. Imagine being with a person beside you while his mind is off sucking someone else’s dick. That felt like boiling water in my freshly healed heart. Because I think breaking up is fine, sure some relationships need a time-off, but to know who’s replacing you? that’s just fucked up.

This is where I got really and intensely angry at him that I made sure we really would hate each other after the end because my good side tried to patch things up with him even though it made me look so desperate running through their doors just to give him a movie or something so he wouldn’t be wasting time or whatever, but the bad side of me just wanted to get even so I made sure that I did some stupid things that actually, in the end, bought me peace of mind and of course some insights to process my pain.

I met his the girl he dated before me. Which he just ghosted. I did that to catch his attention which ended up me having blocked by him on social media. My point of meeting this girl, besides my petty brain, was to make sure I erase this picture of him that I painted in my head, which was a handsome prince who picked roses for me every morning just to make sure I don’t dance in stems of thorns. Timothy was such a great man that he also made sure I would feel like nobody would care for me the way he cared. Which was debugged when I and Venus, the ex of my ex, had lunch over spaghetti, taco’s and the dick we both had in our mouths (and by dick we mean by attitude or literally, whichever comes first to your mind) When we talked I realized he has a cruel way of making sure you wouldn’t compare him to anyone. And the way he twisted their story to me, because when we spoke I realized Tim was such a liar he had to make her look thirsty for him and no woman should be painted that way, ever. That conversation I believe healed us both in a way were now, we’re friends and shit-talking about a guy full of shit which basically catered to what I want which was to make sure all of the good pictures in my head was crossed check for what is the actuality of who he was. In that moment me and Venus realized we were both used as a gateway for his lust to a guy named Gwen. I can’t call it love because I’m sure Tim has not have the opportunity to connect with Gwen on a deeper level so fuck fake smiles here, people.

Who I thought was the man, that I’m willing to go through with all the hardships in my life, who would support me, and help me grow, turned to be a complete poser. This was hard for me because I know him in way that not Venus knows and I know very well that he’s a broken soul, but there is no rational reason to justify his pain to be carried over to his present life knowing well that he is old enough to fuck us both, and for him to be running around and break the hearts of people who loves him.

What also bothered me was the fact tat he was just so ready to move on to the next page of his life which was by trajectory, was Gwen, and that he never muttered a word that would have potentially brought us back together. He was just so “Please I need new dick in my mouth I’m bored of you because you’re a pain in the ass”.

Pain in the ass was also one thing that he couldn’t handle. He never wanted anal with me. Now, I don’t know why but I have a strong feeling that would have it been Gwen to offer to top him, I’m sure he’d squat in less than a second. Forgive my bitterness overflowing in each word here, if you’ve been in so much pain, you might understand.

The world isn’t big enough because this Gwen guy is a close friend of my friend Argie. Now long story short Gwen doesn’t do boys, or so he claims. Tim got dumped and now it’s a double whammy for our pretty boy Tim who thinks everyone is gonna drool for him. I hate him though. That Gwen guy, he haven’t done no shit. I can’t like him because he’s the friend of my friend and I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes disliking people just don’t need to be justified, we just feel the way we feel.

I hate knowing he was my replacement just in case he was into boys because he’s manly, skinnier and lanky (as Tim admitted he like those kind of boys, one where he could pose as a pedophile) short, and it makes me more bitter going to work everyday passing their 3-story house making it feel like a slap to me for coming from a poor family. It was like “Hambert, your replacement is a handsome, skinny guy whose rich and that’s what our high maintenance Tim boy wants, bye, you deserve to be left, so sorry but not sorry, go ahead and die.”

Got a chance to talk to him though and I think he’s smart from staying off the dirt because I would drag him in the mud with Tim on top of him so they could finally get to fuck one another for making me and Venus shed tears.

Let me tell you one thing though. And this is fucked up. I still love him.

I still feel his kisses on my lips. His face in my chest. The scent of his hair or his subtle way of putting his nose on my shoulders in the jeep. This is what breaks me to tears like right now. Because knowing I can’t have that anymore. It’s feels like death and I’ve had a fair share of losing people and tragedies from living so poor, not eating to being accused of wrong things, to be bullied in work or having my grandmother die while I’m carrying her to the hospital or maybe even growing up without a father, but I think this has been the greatest pain I’ve dealt with. To be in tears because of love.

And I can go ahead and make stories about how I successfully dodged a bullet. But to be fair, I know that in those nights I spent with with him, the love we shared, I know he’s the love of my life and there could never be anyone. Because now I’m scared to be loved and be in love. I can’t embrace something that broke me.

I’m now employed ans still studying. Things seem fine. I’m walking on a fire pit but I’m still alive.

However if there is one more song we can bond over, just one last, I wish I can sing Ariana’s “Needy” to him. Just to make him understand. How good it feels to be needed.

0 notes

ryleejaybyrd · 7 years

Note

ANSWER ALL THE EVENS BWAHAHA

Jesus christ Taylor XD Nobody cares but here I go!!!!!!!

lol like how I tried to play it off cool but I’m actually super stoked rn

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Yes and no... for like the first day of winter when it’s all pretty and pristine but when it get’s to the point of ‘fuck me do i still have toes?’ I’m over it.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I like my coffee with french vanilla creamer and lovingly call it my princess froofroo bullshit drink. On the tea side of things I like herbal without anything added becuase I feel like a fairy drinking flower water.

6: do you keep plants?

I love thinking I could, but the only plant I haven’t killed is the one that I keep in my papa’s sunroom where I’m never anywhere near it because everything I touch dies screaming.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Is internal screaming a viable medium? I like to think I can write, but that’s still under investigation

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

I’m all over the place, you can usual tell by my hair tho. Seeing as it sticks straight up on whichever side I sleep on.

12: what's your favorite planet?

Jupiter!! It has all those awesome moons that are v cool.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Hmmmmm, it’d probably be a homey mess of books, fandom knicknacks and random coffee mugs with random socks laying everywhere. (there may or may not be a smiley face painted on the wall that is outlined with bullets.. crazy night..)

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

I’m very uncultured so spaghetti is how imma roll

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

oh god, you mean every other moment I’m in their presence? My shining moment would probably be when I had a minor stroke after getting v excited about making cinnamon pancakes for @klskipper13 and I stuttered so bad I said “ Cinininamonon pancancancakes”

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Probably green!

22: are you a morning person?

HAHAHAHA. that’s cute

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Honestly I’m a pretty open person? I’ll tell anyone anything, especially if I think it’ll make them laugh.

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

YOU MEAN THE ONES THAT JUST BROKE AND I’M STILL GRIEVING OVER. They’re brown combat boots that go to just under my knee with laces all the way up. I lovingly named them my Katniss boots, may they rest in peace.

28: sunrise or sunset?

I like the idea of sunrise. There’s just something about beginnings that make me all poetic and shit

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yup, 100% when my friend and I got busted after drinking at her mormon grandmothers house. In retrospect, probably should have done it elsewhere.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

At my 13th bday party my friends and I were staying at a house on a golf course and we streaked nude up and down the 18th hole. Till this day I wonder if they had surveillance cameras.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

It was a doe deer beanie baby named Whisper. She was that stuffed animal that went everywhere with me. At age 12 I lost her somewhere at my cousins house and am still sad about it till this day. She had one eye and a pink nail polish stain on her chest. Bonus story: my oldest friend @haleygalik had that same beanie baby and gave it to me since I was so upset about losing mine. I still have Whisper 2.0 till this day

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?Right now? Uuhh, I’m not sure tbh. I’m kinda feeling serene so something celticy. I’m also uncultured in music.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Dogs that beg when you try to eat. My dad passed that down to me. I will literally stare a dog straight in the eye and eat slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs more then humans, but that bothers me. I also get very twitchy when a computer desktop is just full of icons (yes I’m talking about you Tay.)

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

I have this wedding band set that I found when my great grandma jay passed away. I think it was her wedding rings, but I never knew for sure. I wish I knew their story more then anything.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

There’s a shop that’s in our town called grump monkey. Its small and kinda modern themed but still comfy.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?Hmmm, probably when I was swimming in the ocean last November. The ocean is my home.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

The fact that Barbara Dunkelman from Rooster Teeth is so bad at puns she gave herself the title Barbara Punkelman....

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

Being abducted by one of the aliens from Signs. Well duh.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

Tbh I don’t collect anything really... but I do have a thing about small intricate boxes and bottles. I don’t usually keep them long tho. I move a lot.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

The only one I’ve noticed is the thing with the cowboy hat. I’m not the most observant

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

I just saw a friend of my mom’s who’s brother passed away, that was rough.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

It is so great when people talk with their hands more and more as they get excited. The best story tellers look like they’re being pulled around by a drunk marionette person.

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

@brigadepuppy is probably the wine mom, and @klskipper13 is the vodka aunt who doesnt really drink but has a bottle thats filled with water so people wont nag her to drink with them.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

Robert Frost is my main bitch. His path diverging in a yellow wood will always be my fave. tho in english class we once read this poem about a lady who kept one of her lovers locked away in a hidden room and continued to sleep by the body even after the person died... to this day i cant find it anywhere. had something to do with roses. creepy as fuck but great.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

Orange is the bomb!

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

a black satin canvas speckled with the iridescence of millions of different cosmic lights

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

Oh! I really like colorful leaves and vines instead of flowers.

68: what's winter like where you live?

A mythic bitch. #upperleft

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

Fuck to the no. I like not being haunted thank you. Tho, I am 100% convinced a ghost named Tina haunts me. I’ve had flickering lights, random bangs, and things falling off shelfs happen every once in awhile. I’m surprisingly calm about it mostly.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

Absolutely. Helps keep my mind clear too. If i write it down it’s not swirling around in my brain and distracting me. Once its tangible its easy to toss aside.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

I have only two friends

Friend 1: My lil Asian

Friend 2: Lil Bitch

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

Oh for sure. I should be buying a ticket from Florida to New York, researching my trip to New Zealand, and double checking my bills are payed. HAHA NEXT QUESTION

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

I’m a fanclub! I have a lot of love for people I’ve never met

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

White, sadly. I didn’t, like I said. I move a lot.

82: are/were you good in school?

100% was a fly on the wall. Put in minimum effort and left with a 3.5 GPA cuz our school system is a joke.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

Yas!~ I want to do my Harry Potter house with my friends and something to do with space/the ocean or mythical creatures

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

Uh sure, I totally know what those are and they’re great...

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

The lil animatic videos people are doing for musicals! I love them so much!!! For example @galactibun and @raythrill do some really neat ones! (or at least I’m pretty sure they do??? I always see them blogging that style anyway)

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Austin! Mainly because Rooster Teeth, but also it was such a vibrant place! I would like to live their someday.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

All the cheese. It’s cheese with a side of pasta. I love cheese.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

My Aunt Kelly!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinator. They take forever.

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

Way to long... uh probably last summer with a friends dog! Of course! Being outside is always cathartic

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

I’d go into the past! I’d miss so much if I were to skip ahead that I’d feel anxious I think.

Here you all go, XD thanks Tay, I appreciate you booboo

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insidiousflame · 4 years

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Things have been a bit overwhelming as of late, but I feel like it’s slowly sorting out. There is a lot I have to prepare, research and learn...but I have people here to help me. And I’m really blessed for that. Kait and I had a meeting tonight about the business side of things. Like selling merch and how to go about setting that all up. How to improve as a business and things of the like. It’s going to be a busy year...but I look forward to it. I wonder what surprises are in store. On the...unfortunate side of things, Ryo has ghosted. He let san know he needed to take a break and with no knowing of when he will come back. IF HE DOES. And all the while, he isn’t responding to my messages. So, that’s upsetting. I thought he and juli had solved things at this point, again, but it turns out it still didnt fucking help and juli still has fucking problems and im just OVERRRR ITTTT. Like, im over them both. I’m over giving a shit. If they want to leave just fucking leave and im not going to fight to keep ryo in my life if he’s not going to treat me right or value what we had. Like, fuck you. royally fuck you. It sucks because I had a lot of hopes for the things we could create and do together. Could have had him create a song for Auracle, but, i guess fuck that, right? Whatever. Looks like I’m back to the drawing board. Now, aside from that bullshit. I’ve recently gotten frustrated with myself again about my personal dream of wanting to be a music artist. Man, if I could have a music producer partner like Billie has with her brother, that would be so great. So easy. But, I can’t rely on anyone. I know I didn’t want to put any more time into learning guitar or piano and it always stresses me out learning it but maybe, just maybe I can attempt again. I mean, honestly, whats the hurt? Even if I don’t necessarily have much belief in myself. Fuck it. Like, i need to stop having this subconcious yelling in my head telling me that if I don’t succeed and get where I want to be SOON then I will never get there. Like, i’m on a time clock. And seeing all these younger artists pop up doesn’t help. I wish i could enjoy that shit now. Kind of regret giving away my acoustic guitar. I know I didn’t like the sound anymore but i could have still practiced. Those things are expensive. What the hell do I invest in? ugh lol GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i dont have enough time or money or tolerance or patience. dont got enough of anything. i keep feeling this way. my path, my brain, a pile of spaghetti. I can’t make sense of it or direction. this is where the OVERWHELMING FEELING COMES IN CAUSE I CANT ORGANIZE IT ALL.

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

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The Balance Between Novelty and Stability - and How That Affects Your Dollars and Cents

Recently, I had a face-to-face conversation with a reader (yep, this happens every once in a while; I have a few readers in my local community that Im not close friends with, but they recognize me and seem to always have some sort of question or topic to bring up in conversation) about the idea of having everyday meals for the family, something I mention often as a frugal strategy. For those unclear, an everyday meal is just a meal that Sarah or I can prepare quickly and easily on any given weeknight that our family really likes. You might call it a staple meal or a regular meal. For us, those meals include things like spaghetti with tomato sauce, scrambled eggs and pancakes, chili, and tuna casserole. Both Sarah and I can whip those things out in a jiffy without even a second thought; the recipes are internalized and efficient. This reader was pretty pointed: dont meals like that get boring? My gut instinct was to tell the reader no without really thinking about it, but instead I said, Hmm Ill give that some thought, and suggested a post on the topic might appear soon. Over the next few weeks, I had some conversations with my family about the topic in a roundabout way. I mostly just asked for meal suggestions and asked what meals they liked the best. Our three children were all pretty specific on what meals they liked the best. My youngest loves any sort of pasta and cheese combination if it has pasta and cheese, hes in. My middle child loves taco night above all else. My oldest loves chili and enchiladas above all else. Interestingly, if I have them pick a meal that they think all three of them will like, theyll pick pizza, whether its homemade or picked up somewhere. My wife listed a litany of meals she really likes. I asked them what they thought about trying different meals and the children were all okay with it as long as their favorites remained in regular rotation and I avoided certain specific foods. My wife is more on board with trying new things, but she also still wanted a few favorites in rotation. They all said that they like to try variations on the familiar dishes, like trying a chili variant or experimenting with a pizza, than something radically different. It turns out that Im probably the most adventurous and experimental eater in my family, but even I enjoy our everyday meals. I actually like varying them a little and trying new angles on the same old things (like experimenting with cheeses for the mac and cheese) and, when I have time, making things as from scratch as possible, like making fresh pasta for pasta night or making from-scratch bread or making my own vegetable stock (just soaking vegetable scraps in the slow cooker). This realization, along with some Google searching, led me to this interesting article on Food52 by Amanda Hesser entitled Im the Food Expert, But My Kids Love My Husbands Cooking. Her experience falls right in line with my own: Her family is fine with experimentation, but they end up putting a lot of value on regular repeated family meals. Theyd rather have daddys pasta (rotelle pasta wagon wheels with a simple sauce) than something unusual or complex, and she often would, too: Im an unabashed homebody. A comforting home and stability are things I have an almost desperate need to maintain. And yet, even when I have a home that feels comforting and right, Im always itching to iterate and improve the physical spaceto paint a wall, rearrange the furniture, recover the chairs. The same thing happens in my kitchen. I may love being in the kitchen and cooking for family, but I clearly cant help myself from exploring some new taste, technique, or idea. This urge for newness and evolution worked for me for many years. When I was a full-time writer, whose job was to constantly discover and write about whats next, it was like feeding candy to my pathology. Now that I have kids, though, to whom I feel an intense responsibility to nurture a sense of security not to mention, to establish family traditions my searching ways floundered. The night after the podcast interview, while joking about it over dinner, I asked the kids what dishes of mine they liked. They paused and looked at each other. It was difficult for them to conjure up anything specific. Kids rarely need to be direct for their message to be loud and clear. If I wanted them to remember my cooking, I had to slow down, I had to repeat, I had to make food that they could count on. Like their daddy did with pasta. Over the past few years, Ive done just this. Ive stuck with dishes, and I keep a folder of recipes we like to go back to again and again Robertas garlic dressing, porchetta, and Thai steak salad. This made me think quite a bit about my own change in food habits during my life. When I was growing up, my family definitely had regular meals that we repeated with frequency. Im sure, looking back, that those meals were fairly convenient for my parents to make and that doing so had become, with practice, quite easy for them. There was another factor going on, though: it provided a touchstone of shared experience. There were certain dishes that we would have frequently that I would love to smell coming in the door, not just because they were delicious, but because they made me feel things like family and safety and comfort. When I reached adulthood, that feeling basically went away unless I was visiting family. I either viewed food simply as forgettable fuel or I purely chased novelty by eating at a wide variety of expensive restaurants or preparing really fancy things at home on occasion, like a $30 grilled steak. For all of the expensive meals I ate in my twenties, none of them filled me with the sense of familiarity and comfort that my mothers humble tuna casserole would make me feel, or the smell of a fried egg cooked in just a bit of butter with a lot of black pepper on it. Those things made me feel something beyond mere food they made me feel safe and loved and comfortable. An expensive meal might be delicious, but its usually a one-shot thing simply because of the financial constraints of 99.9% of Americans. Thus, it can never create those feelings of home like humble dishes eaten frequently with loved ones can create. Theres a clip at the end of the movie Ratatouille where the hardened food critic Anton Ego takes a bit of a dish prepared by the humble hero Remy. The dish is the titular ratatouille, a pretty humble dish thats basically just a casserole of sliced vegetables, and Ego initially turns up his nose at it. But when he takes a bite well, watch for yourself: [embedded content] What does this hardened critic think of when he tries the dish? His mind doesnt consider flavors or texture. Rather, he flashes back to his grandmothers kitchen when he was a child. He has feelings of peace and love and comfort and family. Those feelings dont exist the first time you try a dish or even the third or fifth or tenth. Rather, they come from a body of positive experiences over time, and they can be triggered by the most humble of things. You dont need an expensive restaurant meal to feel those feelings; in fact, youll almost never feel that way unless youre a regular at a family-owned restaurant. On the other hand, you can get that feeling from something as simple as an egg fried in a bit of butter with a bit of black pepper on it. Were really talking here about two different values that are at least somewhat in opposition to each other. Novelty comes when you try a new experience. Youre interacting with new people. Youre trying a new meal. Youre going to a new store. Youre going to a new place. Those are enjoyable experiences our brains like novelty. Yet, at the same time, novel experiences dont last. They dont scratch the same itch that familiar experiences do. Stability, on the other hand, comes when you enjoy a familiar experience of some kind. Youre enjoying time with family or close friends. Youre eating a family favorite meal. Youre hanging out at a familiar haunt. Those are also enjoyable experiences and familiarity breeds enjoyment. Such experiences fulfill us in a completely different way than novelty does. Whats really interesting to note here is that novelty is typically more expensive than familiarity. New products come with a price premium. They require additional travel because youre familiar with the things in your area. Restaurants you havent tried before are often the expensive ones because youve already tried all of the regularly priced ones. This is not to say novelty is always more expensive than stability, but that its frequently the case. What does all of this mean in terms of our finances, then? First of all, its easier to be frugal if you have an appreciation for familiar experiences. If you hold familiar experiences in disdain or if your life history has made it difficult to build up familiar experiences, its hard to find appeal in them and youre going to inherently seek novelty. Remember, the psychological benefit of novelty is much easier to enjoy than the psychological benefit of stability and familiarity. Novelty can be experienced at pretty much any moment; stability and familiarity take time and a history of positive similar experiences. So, in a practical sense, there is a great deal of frugal value in finding simple experiences you like and repeating them (or close variations on them) until the familiarity brings additional joy. For example, Ive come to love sitting in the soft brown chair in our house with several windows nearby and just reading a book. It is an experience I indulge in often and I get a great amount of joy out of that experience, not just because it feels good, but because it inherently reminds me of the many moments when it felt good in the past. It feels comforting to sit there with a book in my hand. I feel it when Im playing a familiar board game with close friends, where we all know the rules and we all feel comfortable with each other. I feel it when Im making a pot of chili or a homemade pizza for my family and then we gather around the table and eat it together and talk about our day. I feel that warm stability in many experiences in my life, and Ive come to intentionally notice it and value it. Those types of experiences, because of their repetition, almost have to be very inexpensive or free out of necessity. If there was a significant cost in such a repeated experience, it would cause a great deal of financial damage, which brings me to my second point. Constantly chasing novel experiences is hard on the wallet. If I want to eat at a new restaurant every night, thats going to cost a lot of money over time. If I want to simply have something new for dinner every night, the cost of all of those different ingredients is going to add up (not to mention the time invested in constantly jumping from culinary technique to culinary technique without mastering any of them). If I want to read the latest books constantly, Im going to have to buy them, and popping $15 to $20 for a new hardcover once or twice a week adds up fast. If I want to play the latest board games constantly, I have to routinely spend $30 to $40. If I want to watch the latest movies constantly, I have to routinely spend $10 or $15 at the theater (Id probably buy a movie pass, but it still adds up). You get the idea. A constant stream of novel experiences is expensive. Theres an even bigger problem A costly novel experience that you start to repeat until it takes on some aspects of familiarity is a road to financial disaster. Lets say you go to a coffee shop and its a wonderful novel experience. You decide to go again and again and again. Slowly, it starts to become a familiar and stable experience. You feel a certain comfort in that routine. The problem is that the routine is expensive and engaging in it with frequency is like acid on your budget. Another element Ive personally noticed is that most of the really valuable stable experiences I have in my life things like familiar family dinners, familiar experiences with friends, and so on are incredibly inexpensive ones. The family dinners that are really successful on all cylinders are ones where were gathered around the table with people we love and who love us, eating a food we all enjoy and basking in the afterglow of many such dinners before us that have built a certain bond. You can get some of that while chasing novelty at the latest restaurant, but you miss some of it, too, and youre also hammering your wallet. None of this is to say that novelty doesnt have value. It does have tremendous value. Many of the joys of life are held in new experiences. Yet there are many elements of life that novelty cant bring to the table and cultivating stability often provides those elements. If you take one message home from all of this, its that novelty is fine, but theres a tremendous financial value in appreciating the positive stable experiences in life. Find the small things you actually enjoy (not things that merely pass time), whether theyre shared experiences or solo experiences, and fill your life with them. Repeat them, so that they take on a sense of familiarity and stability. Vary them, so that they dont become boring, either you wouldnt read the same book over and over or watch the same television show over and over, but you might consistently read in your favorite chair or watch a new episode of a beloved program while cuddling with your partner. Dont abandon novelty that would make life dull but dont overlook or abandon the many values of stability and what it can bring, too. Enjoy that simple comfort food with family. Enjoy that comfortable chair and a book from the library from your favorite author. Theres incredible value to be found in that kind of stability and it wont erode your finances. Good luck. Related Articles: https://www.thesimpledollar.com/the-balance-between-novelty-and-stability-and-how-that-affects-your-dollars-and-cents/

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