#lots of people don’t like talking about psychosis and i didn’t even talk about it on here for a loooong time

[helpolnix]

The trouble with seeing and hearing your deities.

[Just to immediately preface, I do not see or hear my deities in the literal sense. I see and hear them the same way I can hear my internal monologue and how if I have my eyes open and you tell me to picture a red or green apple, I can.]

For a little while, I thought I was going completely batshit. Like I was ready to check myself into a psych ward batshit. For a good 2 or so weeks, I was very comfortable with just getting a word or two from my gods when using divination, it was like a little treat. But as time progressed and I spent more time around them, I began to hear more and more of their words, and then my brain started to make their appearance.

That’s when I started to have a very scary moment of, “oh no, I’m going crazy.” Or something along the lines of spiritual psychosis. But I didn’t really fit any of the symptoms at all.

[I will say a medication I was on made my paranoia surrounding it worse tho lol]

Asking the gods about it didn’t necessarily help since they just assured me I wasn’t crazy.

Well, I must be, no?

Of course not. lol.

Looking into other people’s experiences with talking with their deities was very eye opening. But it made me wonder about all the unique ways I’ve seen people interacting with their deities, or the ways in which they’ll make themselves known to their devotees. I personally still use a pendulum even though I’ll catch the rest of their sentence before they finish speaking it completely. I call it my safety blanket.

They hate my safety blanket.

I oh so carefully monitor the words they say and what truly makes sense and what doesn’t. What sounds realistic and what absolutely doesn’t. Keeping yourself grounded in reality(you know what I mean) is so so important. I honestly don’t find it to be a bad idea to look up the symptoms of spiritual psychosis and delusions in general if you’re also in the same boat as me, hearing and seeing your gods.

It’s scary, jarring, and it makes you question yourself a lot. So many people are so confident in their abilities already and it’s just like, “oh yeah I hear and see them.”

Like.. okay, but how the fuck does that work for you?

I’m young, I’m new to this, I have no older mentor or friend that’s been in the religion for years to lean on that’s not a god. The fuck should I do?

Sure, you don’t have to say anything about how that works in your head, but I think it’d be nice to. Nobody is obligated to share anything about their worship or practice, yet sharing important disclaimers regarding these “gifts” or senses—whatever you want to call them— I think should be talked about a little more.

I gradually got to this point over the past two months, hearing more and more of them as I spent more time in my practice.

And if anyone wants, I could make a separate post in how I deal with severe intrusive thoughts and this hearing shit. It’s really stressful most times. And not fun.

But wowwwww it’s been weird seeing how they present themselves hahahaha that’s a whole separate post.

In conclusion though, I’m carefully monitoring myself, what I experience, and the new meds I’m going on, and coming off. It’s been a really weird 2 months, but I’m excited for the future anyway.

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi charm. Your posts have helped me lots! Im keeping consistent for once and understand the law and shifting properly. My question is that I’ve been trying to considerate my understanding and application of states and A+P. This sounds stupid but I go back and forth and try to apply them, but the debates about them don’t make sense to me. I think rn I reinstate more with states but some I do prefer to just affirm and I’m just curious on which one you “preferred” and how you applied that to shifting. Thanks 😊

I think it really does depend. I love the law of consciousness, and under that really anything goes. But for me personally, I really do think there’s a point of no return when it comes to A and P and states. Just in my experience, feel free to believe and do what you like. First and foremost, your beliefs are more important in your reality. But I feel like everyone says that so often. If you don’t understand that, it's not really my job to coddle anyone at this point 😭😭 everyone is their own god and that’s the most important thing to understand.

But I started my journey back in 2020 when I was 16, and I manifested so much with mirror work and affirmations because I didn’t know about the law, and honestly I barely knew anything about manifesting either. I was only a shifter. And all my shifting friends, not on Tumblr, who shifted pretty easily and I consider "master shifters" (not that it exists or matters), honestly didn’t get into LOA either. They just affirmed (but used LOA, by knowing they’d wake up in their desired reality without knowing). Ever since then, they don’t gripe in the community because sometimes ignorance rlly is bliss. If I was in 2020 and stuck with that, I would have gotten everything so easily. But looking back, somethings happen for a reason because the desires and drs I wanted at 16 are nothing like the life/drs I want and have right now. I’m so grateful I struggled for a bit; it was a blessing in disguise 😭😭😭.

Around that time, I hated LOA because I talked about this in a different ask, but my favorite master shifter on Reddit (I’m an OG Reddit girl) who brought LOA to Reddit eventually left because she claimed she thought she was mentally ill, and shifting is psychosis. So I hated Neville and LOA for a while, which is so funny, because what did he do? I also didn’t like states because none of my shifting friends knew about that, and all shifting was just knowing and affirming. I wanted to do that too, not live in my head or whatever I understood states as.

I obviously eventually learned about LOA properly and learned so much about the "mechanics" and origins and over-consumed, just like a lot of you guys. When I tried to go back to A+P, I struggled so much because I really did believe in states. I thought about my horrible childhood, but how I got through it was knowing and believing in magic and my eternal happiness. From ages 9-14, I was a very happy and lucky child despite my circumstances and depression, because I was in the state of someone who had it all. I always knew life was more than what we can see with our eyes, so really, I knew A+P wasn’t really what was working, it was my state. But I refused to admit that for a while and got mad when my affirmations stopped working (that’s what I mean by point of no return).

Also, my shifting friends are using states, and when I started asking them about it, they started talking learned about their methods and how they suceeed easily. Most of them used some variation of SATS without knowing and music to fulfill their inner man and know that, regardless, they’ll wake up in their desired reality. So I started doing the same, and that’s how I manifested my first shift.

But everyone is so different. Like look at all the success stories. Some people just use science and logic with lucid dreaming steps. A lot of people in LOA now didn’t even use LOA to manifest at first or get into the void or whatever. Some people shift without knowing or by accident, etc., etc. The point is understanding states helped me because that’s the type of person I am; I like knowing the mechanics behind the seemingly magic. But maybe you don’t, maybe you don’t care about states, you know they’re behind everything but don’t care. That’s all good too. I don’t care how anyone achieves or understands the law to get their dream life, as long as they’re not spreading misinformation. The law is about you and understanding what fulfills you; you don’t need to follow debates to fulfill yourself.

A lot of people feel very strongly about their beliefs because it’s what helped them achieve their dream life, so they’ll die on hills for it. And I honestly get it; that’s how you feel about shifting. So I really don’t like when people try to dunk on it or like "debunk it." And that’s how everyone feels for their beliefs; it’s the human in us, we feel strongly about our passions. But don’t let people make you feel bad about your beliefs. Sometimes Tumblr can get like middle school-esque with the labels and drama, but again, it’s a good reminder that no matter how godly you are, we still have our human shell, and that’s oddly comfortable to me so I don’t care that much tbh. Just do you girl, at the end of the day it’s your happiness that matters

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Supernatural reboot where Sam does not believe in the supernatural when the series starts. Yes the original pitch concept is just soo juicy when you think about it a little too much like I do. This is slightly tweaked.

Sam escapes his family to go to college not because he wants out of the life of the monster-killing business. He escapes them because he thinks they're utterly crazy and there’s no monster-killing business because there are no monsters.

Growing up, John brings Dean along on hunts and leaves Sam sheltered to keep him safe (and keep him away from possible corrupting supernatural influences...) so Sam never really gets to know the monstrous John and Dean go after. If he has glimpses of it growing up, he's ready to dismiss those as deceptions of the brain of an impressionable kid, as tricks of anxiety, of exhaustion, of stress. Maybe even as John and Dean’s craziness rubbing off him, something that scares him, pushing him even more to distance himself from them.

He really does not want to end up like Dean, who has soaked up John’s delusions entirely. He wants to stay sane. He’s worried that the psychosis might be genetic, a weight that’s always in some corner of his mind. He hopes it’s not, and in the meanwhile his best bet is to get away, to live a normal life, to surround himself with normal people.

It works. He goes to college, he lives the most regular of lives imaginable. He has friends and a girlfriend and has good grades and a positive outlook on his future. He never really speaks about his family. His friends can draw some guesses from his vague information—that his mother died when he was very little, too little to remember anything about her; that his father is not exactly winning any parenting awards; that he has a brother who is basically a copy of their father. They can guess that his childhood was not good, but they don’t pester him for details. They know it’s not something Sam wants to talk about. But it’s reasonable. Lots of people have bad childhoods.

Dean doesn’t show up in the middle of the night. He shows up on campus, he joins Sam and his friends for lunch. It’s tense. Sam’s friends’s idea of Dean is not exactly flattering – and it doesn’t help that Dean looks as different as your average nice Stanford student as you can imagine. Leather, tattoos, weird jewelry and creepy amulets. They hope that the thing that dangles from of his earrings and that looks alarmingly like a mouse skull is not authentic. It’s also obvious that the last time the two brothers saw each other didn’t exactly end well.

Dean asks Sam to join him in his search for their missing father. Sam obviously refuses, unwilling to get dragged into his family’s paranoias and delusions. But Dean insists. There’s no girlfriend burning on the ceiling in this version. Sam really does not want to go, his friends and girlfriend obviously back him up. But cracks start appearing into Sam’s opposition to Dean’s request. Deep down, he loves his brother. He starts thinking that maybe, if he goes with him, he can help Dean. There’s a chance Dean might rub his craziness off Sam, but also a chance Sam might rub his sanity off Dean. His friends think he’s out of his mind, he has a big fight with his girlfriend about it, but eventually he decides to give Dean a chance. Only for a little while. Just a toe in the water. Just testing the waters. No getting involved in anything crazy, just making sure Dean doesn’t do anything dangerous.

But then he starts suspecting that Dean has something to do with John’s disappearance. That something isn’t quite right. He starts feeling uneasy. He starts getting scared that his fears are coming true, but also chastises himself for being irrational and swayed by foolish concoctions of the illogical side of his mind.

It definitely doesn’t help that weird things happen around them. He rationalizes them every time, but he’s increasingly unsettled.

He’s torn between trusting his feelings and dismissing them as emotional nonsense. He’s torn between wanting to stay away from Dean for his own sake and sticking with him for Dean’s sake.

It’s only at the end of the first season that Sam is faced by the irrefutable proof that it was all real. And it’s a terrifying journey with a terrifying conclusion – but once Sam is in, something shifts. Because Dean is no longer the crazy brother. Because John’s behavior was never a mental illness rooted in his DNA. Sam sheds a weight, after all. And his relationship with his brother can be built all over again – from scratch, which is anything but easy, but on the solid grounds of a shared experience.

[syscultureis]

This might me a weird confession or not something you guys wanna talk abt but I need someone to hear this so here we go anyway.

I used to be a system, kinda, I used to think I was a system and was openly a system in online sys communities with system friends; one day I just kinda disappeared because I was(and still kinda am I think?) convinced I was actually a faker and didn’t have OSDD. Ever since then I’ve been living as a singlet, or at least under the assumption I’m a singlet, and have been kind of ignoring every symptom I have; but recently I’ve been getting more system community post on basically every social media and it’s making me rethink everything. Even when I was a sys faker or whatever it is I was I would go through phases of doubt and blamed all my symptoms on other issues, I’d straight up blame all the different voices in my head on psychosis and shit. I don’t know how to move on from here, I feel like I’m realizing I could potentially have not been a faker like I thought and just went back into a state of unawareness because it stressed me out so much to think abt and now I’m becoming aware again. If anyone has any advice for me I’d really appreciate it.

Sorry for the big submission/ramble.

We do this a lot actually, this blog is our own way of trying to remind ourselves the proof we have that we aren't faking

For us it's always just been "even when I'm trying my hardest, my symptoms never stop"

I can ignore them all I want, but it doesn't change that I get stuck dissociating for hours. Or that I lose so much time. Or that I act so differently constantly that people call me on it. Or that I hear others thinking in my head (even if I try to write it off as my own thoughts)

I get stuck with intense "this is not me" when I look in the mirror

When I try to ignore my symptoms I feel like I have no identity and that I'm playing pretend. When I stop ignoring it slowly I'm reminded it's because all those versions of me aren't really me, they're other alters who exist to help even when it doesn't feel like it

I might not be explaining this well, I'm really blurry and think we may have switched half way through and I don't really remember where we were going with this lol

But if you're questioning, research is your best friend. Outside of social media specifically. And also it's okay to be wrong! You're not gonna get everything right every single time, we have been so wrong about our own system so many times it could be a post on its own lmao

[detentiontrack]

can u talk a little about what meds you take for your bipolar and if they help/side effects u experience?

Absolutely!!! So I’m currently on 3 medications to manage my bipolar and PTSD

Lithium - started taking in 2022. Honestly this works GREAT. It helps with the depression and the rapid cycling (I used to rapid cycle a lot) and the mood swings. People always talk about how many side effects lithium has, but I honestly don’t really notice any at this point. When I first started taking it, I got SUPER nauseous, but after about a month my body got used to it and I didn’t experience any nausea except for when my dose was changed (which also resolved quickly). The only thing I should warn you about with lithium, is that when you first get on it, you’ll have to do a few blood tests to make sure your lithium levels are in the normal range. I think I got about 4 between 2022 & 2023 when I started getting my dose raised. I started on what I think is 600mg (I got put on it at the mental hospital so I’m not 100% sure if that’s the dose I started at) and now I’m on 1200mg and have been since 2023.

Next up is prozac - this is my newest medication. I started taking it for anxiety/PTSD, but I think it’s also helped with my depression. This med has gotten rid of most of my anxiety and panic attacks, and I also experience very minimal side effects. The only ones I can think of is dry mouth/excessive thirst (I always have to keep a drink with me) and (TMI warning) it’s also decreased my sex drive. The only thing I should warn you about is that if you’re bipolar, you need to be REALLY careful with SSRIs. SSRIs are notorious for causing intense mania (my first true manic episode was brought on by Zoloft) so consult with your doctor and make sure they’re aware of treatments for bipolar. I didn’t get manic from the Prozac, but I also started at a really low dose and we raised it gradually over time. (I’m on 20mg now. Started out on 5mg back in October)

Next up Lybalvi - I’m not even kidding when I say this medication saved my life. The first half of 2023, I was dysphorically manic and experiencing some of the worse psychosis I’ve ever experienced (like. I was locked in delusions and hallucinations 24/7. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I heard voices constantly, I genuinely thought God was targeting me specifically and trying to kill me so I was super paranoid and out of it) and my psychiatrist said that either I go back on an antipsychotic, or he was going to send me to the mental hospital again. Lybalvi is a combination of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and Samidorphan. This medication got rid of ALL of my psychosis, minimized my depression, stopped me from becoming manic, and made it so I didn’t have the negative symptoms of psychosis. It’s the only antipsychotic that has helped me and not made me worse. The only big side effects I’ve noticed are muscle jerks, brain fog (if I take it too late. I’m usually fine if I take it before 9pm), dry mouth/excessive thirst, and a LOT of weight gain. The samidorphan is supposed to make it so that you don’t gain weight, but I gained around 60lbs from April 2023-January 2024. But even knowing what I know now, I would still choose to take it because it’s really helped so much. It’s because of this med that I’ve been hospital free for almost 2 years and I’m able to have a normal life and balance school and work and all that stuff. Don’t be scared of the med because of the weight gain side effect. It’s better to buy new pants in a few sizes up than it is to be in and out of the mental hospital every few months. I started on 5 or 10mg and now I take 15mg.

[messymindofmine]

For a while now I’ve been trying to get my thoughts on the first four episodes of this season sorted out. I did actually enjoy the arc as a whole. I enjoyed getting to learn more about Carlos’s backstory and I actually enjoyed getting to know Iris better. I think so many of us assumed that Carlos had such a lonely childhood and so it’s nice to know that he had at least one person in his life that he was close to and be himself around.

I think for me the reason why I felt so stressed about it all was actually more down to the fandom reaction to the storyline. I’m not trying to blame anyone here or insult the fandom at all. I actually understand why a lot of people reacted the way they did. But there were things that stressed me out. I didn’t like how so many people just seemed so resistant to the concept of Carlos even having flaws. Carlos has always had flaws, it’s just that for some reason some people always ignored them in favor of lashing out at TK. And I think that right there is why a lot of people who care about TK felt frustrated. Since s1, TK’s worthiness has constantly been questioned and every mistake he has made has been held against him. In s3, ppl kept saying that Carlos should never have taken TK back at all and made him work for it. Mind you, these people completely overlooked the fact that Carlos had bought a house without even discussing it with TK. The thing is, the narrative and Carlos himself seemed to ignore that too. Even Rafa boiled the breakup down to “TK fucking up.” But with this, it feels like the writers didn’t even want to acknowledge that Carlos had even made a mistake. There is never a moment where it’s pointed out to Carlos that he was married for the entirety of his relationship to TK and didn’t tell him. Instead, it’s brushed of bc it wasn’t a real marriage. I think this frustrated a lot of people bc it felt like even when Carlos is unequivocally the one who made a mistake, it’s going ignored. I actually did defend Carlos as much as I possibly could during that arc bc I do understand why he married Iris in the first place and it does fit his character that he didn’t tell TK. I just wish that had been pointed out as wrong the way TK breaking up with Carlos instead of talking to him about the house was. Carlos got to vent his feelings back then yet TK never said a word about how he felt about Carlos keeping that secret and then he constantly blamed himself for Iris going missing and nobody stepped in to tell him it wasn’t his fault.

On the other hand, I didn’t like how people who were understanding of both sides were treated either. I know for a fact that there were people writing entire coda fics that validated TK’s feelings and yet they were being sent messages accusing them of not liking TK. I most certainly did not like how the writers and especially the actors were being left nasty comments to the point where an Instagram post had to be taken down. As much as I loved Ronen, Rafa and Lysney showing each other solidarity, it should never have come to that in the first place. I don’t know what type of comments they were or who they were coming from. I do know that there were people who were just mad that a woman had been brought into the dynamic at all. I know that there were people who just couldn’t stand the idea of Carlos having flaws. I know there were people who, after the first ep, were sending anyone who vented their feelings on their own blog lists of every mistake (both real and imagined) mistake that TK has ever made. I know there were people who went out of their way to blame TK anyway and people who tried to pin the blame on Iris even though she was literally in a state of psychosis for years and was living on the streets. At any rate, whoever it was that left comments on Rafa’s post or sent hate to any of the actors should be ashamed.

Ronen himself touched on this in a post ep 4 interview but it really does seem that ppl forget that TK deals with mental health issues as well and none of this situation was at all easy on him. There’s a reason why Iris likened herself to TK. From the vibe I got, the ppl that were actually hating on Iris for the stuff she said during the dinner didn’t even seem that concerned about TK himself. They just wanted an excuse to hate on Iris. I’ve said before that there is ableism in this fandom that has come into play with how TK is talked about and it definitely feels like it came into play with how Iris was talked about. I know it frustrated a lot of ppl seeing TK’s struggles in this arc being ignored by everyone and even Carlos seemingly blaming him for Iris going missing. Now, I do understand why Carlos reacted the way he did. He was deeply worried, probably blaming himself since this is something he and TK have in common and Iris’s life was in danger. And Carlos has always had a tendency to compartmentalize to the point that it becomes toxic. So I do understand his reaction but I can’t say that I didn’t find it upsetting. I also feel like it led a lot of ppl to be louder about how bad they felt for TK bc they felt that nobody else was going to do it. There were also ppl outright blaming TK and the fact that Ronen made it a point to defend why TK went to Iris shows that the actors do in fact see the stuff fans say. I just hope that after this ppl can recognize that it is possible to understand and sympathize with two characters at the same time and to do so doesn’t mean that you dislike one or the other. I actually do understand (even if I don't necessarily agree with it) the hypersensitivity that some ppl had over TK during this arc bc there’s no denying that there are ppl out there that look for excuses to hate on TK and downplay his feelings. Apparently enough for Ronen to notice. In my experience, ppl who love TK generally love Carlos as well but the same can not always be said the other way around. However, as I already said, this is no reason to go after the ppl who do love both and are just trying to be understanding of both sides. At the end of the day, as far as I can see the majority does love both and that should be what matters. I think there is also the matter of how the anger ppl felt at Carlos was ultimately temporary. Ppl were angry after 401 but they calmed down after 402 when we saw Tarlos being a united team and expressing love for each other. And of course there was the exquisite couch scene. The anger started up again with ep 2 and Carlos’s behavior. The anger at Carlos always felt like a knee-jerk response that I didn’t like but at least it was temporary in the end. For TK on the other hand, ppl have been looking for excuses to hate on him since s1. Going as far as him bringing Lou the lizard home as proof of how he’s not good enough for Carlos.

All of this is something that has really been bothering me especially since there’s people who seem mad that Carlos wasn’t in ep 5 and I truly don’t understand why. I understand wanting more screen time, I always want both guys to have more screen time but I enjoyed the focus on Marjan and I want more for her. Plus we had 4 episodes straight focusing on Carlos where we learned so much about him and a lot of fans even got there wish about seeing him be the one in danger and TK rescue him. That’s actually another thing btw, while I liked ep 4 itself, I didn’t like how ppl were rejoicing at Carlos being hurt bc it would make “TK be the one to worry and show his love in a more obvious way.” Anyway, I don’t understand why some ppl were so mad at Carlos not getting screen time in this ep. I also understand wanting to see acknowledgment of what happened but I feel like it’s ok bc there’s so many brilliant coda fics for that. We didn’t really get any aftermath in the Push arc either but I don’t remember ppl complaining about that. TK was barely in any of the episodes after Push until the end of 307 and he was barely in this ep either. There are about 10 regulars on the show and this is the first time Marjan has had a big storyline so why is it such a bad thing that the focus was temporarily moved a bit? I genuinely don’t understand.  

Anyway, as I said before, I’m not trying to blame anyone or start anything. I just truly needed to get this off my chest so that I can sleep at night. As I said, I did enjoy the storyline overall. More than anything else, I’m just happy to move on from the angst and into the happy wedding-planning era. Personally, I don’t want anymore relationship-related drama. I know Rafa said that what happened in 404 would impact how Carlos dealt with things later on and I hope that means we see growth. I hope that means Carlos realizing that he has things he needs to work on the way TK did after Push. That’s all I want next for Tarlos and for Carlos

[thespleenman]

the absolute insane misinterpretation of azula by the entirety of tumblr will actually kill me. anyway, i’ve gotten BACK into atla and. oooooh boy, i’ve had SO many thoughts about it but never had a way to communicate these to other people. but. now I do! and this post is entirely dedicated to Azula. and it will be opinion, but also sort of true? i dont think my opinion is necessarily MORE correct than anyone elses, but i think if i see one more post about it without having shared my view i will immediately combust. So, if you have a very precious view of azula for whatever reason, i wouldn’t read these. I don’t hate on azula or downplay her mental illness & relationship with ozai, but i also do discuss a lot of negative things azula has done. So, without further ado;

JAGA’S AZULA MEGA POST

1. Yes, Azula WAS an antagonist. She did awful things BEFORE the psychosis actually began (which. i will be talking about) and she should not be excused for that. Yes, she was 14, but she also was also incredibly intellegent and recognized that what she was doing things that WERE harmful to others (the whole “she was right of course” shows her recognition of these things.)

2. HOWEVER; she was practically groomed to behave the way she did, and i’m not just talking about Ozai. Ursa labeled her a monster before she could even truly understand the consequences of her actions. She grew up with this title, believing she fundamentally WAS a bad/awful/evil person, not that she had DONE things that were wrong. She also got praised and rewarded for the things her mother said were wrong, so she had just as much (if not more) internal strife. (hence her hallucinating her MOTHER and not Zuko or Ozai, despite seeing them more)

3. People often overestimated her intelligence, especially in the situation with Zuko coming home. No one in that situation would have said that she “failed” in any way, meaning there was no need for a back up plan like that. I think azula, in her own way, did care about Zuko. However, this one is just personal opinion but i believe she felt betrayed in the end, and thats what made her behavior towards him change so drastically in the last book.

4. I see a lot of argument about this, and this is one that i feel very strongly about, and that is that azula WAS one of zuko’s abusers. BUT azula had never seen anyone treat zuko CORRECTLY until way after her behavior to him was solidified. (i mean, iroh is not exactly a picture of great parenting, and he isn’t in the picture until AFTER ozai planned to kill zuko!) Hell, i’m willing to bet ozai rewarded her for abusing zuko, and beyond that, Azula probably believed that was ozai caring about zuko, the same way zuko did. Azula was not INTENTIONALLY abusing zuko, but that does NOT mean she didn’t.

5. Azula does not need a “redemption arc”, and i would argue that zuko did not have a typical “redemption arc”. Redemption Arc’s are for when someone is MALICIOUSLY hurting others, with full knowledge of it. Zuko just needed to see that the war was in itself wrong, and that ozai was lying about… pretty much anything. Azula needed that too! But, she instead was stuck (which. great job iroh! i love you but that girl was still a CHILD she could have CHANGED) with the man who had proven he would lie to anyone about anything to seem like a benevolent ruler. Azula also was mentally ill, NOT evil. yes, mental illness does not excuse any of her behavior, but someone doesn’t START with extreme and vivid hallucinations! i’m willing to bet she was struggling with some sort of personality disorder, which immediately brings all her behavior into a new light. (if anyone sees this post and wonders how i came to that conclusion, i will explain it, but it doesnt feel necessary to add currently)

thats all i have for now! i don’t know if i articulated most of my points well or anything, and i have no doubt that i will think of more things to add, but i really want to share some of these things, because i only see reaaally extreme views on azula, and i think she is more in the middle of both sides. if you actually read that word vomit, thank you, and adios

[maddiviner]

Hey everyone. I’m posting this to raise a question.

As witches and willworkers, we (should) try to show conspiracy theorists the door, particularly those who’re bigots. But what do we do about people who’re obviously experiencing delusions? Someone who’s mentally ill? Struggling and hurting?

As my username suggests, I’ve got a lot to say about this topic, but there’s not really an easy answer, and I think it needs some discussion. I’d be happy to hear other people’s perspectives. I do think people like me (who’ve experienced psychosis) might have strong feelings about this, but so might those hurt by conspiracy theories. It’s complex.

People online like to laugh when someone posts that the earth is flat, that the moon is a demonic lair, that mountains are trees, etc. When someone starts claiming they’re being “gangstalked” by aliens or the Illuminati, etc, people laugh.

My question is, where do we draw the line? Truth is, a lot of these weird delusions of persecution people write about online are symptoms of actual mental illnesses. So why do people treat it as funny?

Nobody’s going to post a video of me having a seizure and laugh when I bite my tongue. We don’t chuckle when someone with multiple sclerosis experiences spasms. People don’t post screenshots of people talking about deleting with “hahah look at that depressed loser,” so why the “hahah look at that stupid schizo” vibe?

I get that it’s hard not to laugh, at times. Some of it can be quite ridiculous from the outside. If someone on Facebook tells you they think you’re working with the Illuminati to spy on them for purposes unknown, it can be hard not to respond with anything but a confused giggle.

Still, though. Imagine being that person, believing that. From the inside, it can be a terrifying experience. Those things feel unbelievably real in the moment. Three months later, you might find that low dose Abilify (or something) returns your life to normal, but believe me - delusions feel real when you’re in them. I’d wager that’s true for all delusions. When we’re in it, we believe it, we feel it - the fear’s real.

I don’t want to discuss my personal experiences with delusions when I was much younger. I’d rather have written this entire post without mentioning it, but I don’t think my perspective would be taken seriously otherwise. While frightening, my own delusions didn’t involve these kinds of conspiracy theories. They aren’t really relevant here, except to say that it feels incredibly real and terrifying.

In other words, you can be sure that the boomer dude accusing you on Twitter of being a “perp” working with the gangstalkers and beaming “nausea waves” at him really does believe it, and really is frightened on an existential level.

With that in mind, can we really feel okay laughing at people like that?

I guess we might be unable to suppress a private giggle when we read someone’s comment about the hollow earth, or those moon demons supposedly drinking our blood. But it’d be downright unconscionable to directly bully them, even under the guise of “trying to talk them out of it.”

It’d of course, be worse, to pretend I *am* the moon aliens that terrify them, and start messaging them. And yes, that happens sometimes. I have an old friend who developed schizophrenia in 2007 and is STILL convinced we were all working against him/stalking him (at the time) because another person tried to turn his delusions into a joke, thinking it would “make him realize how silly he was being.”

Of course, by “turn them into a joke,” I mean “pretend they were real” and act out the scenario via Skype while the rest of us frantically tried to stop him.

If we’re going to talk about why humor might make such situations worse, we need to discuss humor itself. There’s some evidence that humanity’s capacity for laughter evolved as a way of signaling to our comrades that a situation isn’t actually dangerous. In other words, ancient humans might have laughed as a way of saying, “Yes, this looks scary, but it’s not!”

When we laugh at these things, we’re affirming (to ourselves, if not necessarily anyone else) that we’re not afraid, either of the moon demons or the person frantically telling us about them. Thus, the “laugh at conspiracy theories” thing can be a way of inoculating ourselves and others against them.

We shouldn’t do this at the expense of people who’re scared and suffering, though. We should always take care to avoid making things worse for other people who might have been unfortunate enough to fall into this kind of thing. The issue, of course, is how to do that while also not allowing a place for such conspiracy theories.

I hang out sometimes in transhumanist spaces online. It’s not frequent, but I do keep tabs on the movement and new papers, etc. Naturally, the topic of human enhancement, cyborgs, all that, attracts some conspiracy types, some of which are clearly hurting. In those cases, the moderators of those places tend to show them the door, because reading more transhumanist material and interacting with a volatile online space like that could be harmful for them in that state. That, and of course, not everyone’s kind, and people were trying to “mess” with these “crazies” too.

What it comes down to is this. If it’s a friend of yours or a family member, you likely have the means to help, even if in a small way. When it’s an internet person, you really don’t. Trying to talk them out of it likely won’t work, and might make things worse. Play-acting to make them “realize they’re being silly” is disingenuous trolling, and you’re a grade-A piece of shit if you even consider it. Often, removing yourself from the situation is the best you can do, if the person seems to be in no immediate danger.

I actually wish I’d been banned from certain spaces online when I was dealing with this kind of thing. It sounds ridiculous, but many of the places I visited during my episodes delayed recovery. When you’re experiencing psychosis, material and interactions that would otherwise be innocuous can have straight-up toxic effects. There’s no sense to it - that’s why it’s psychosis, I suppose.

At one point I commented on here that I didn’t do Tarot readings for people currently experiencing mental health crisis or psychosis. I was called ableist for that, and told that I should simply “ask them their triggers and remove those cards.”

Yeah, no. Psychosis doesn’t play by that sort of rules. Or any rules, really. Even if, from the outset, I can’t cite “violent impalement” as a trigger, I might be terrified by the Ten of Swords, especially if I were experiencing delusions again. This is not a black and white issue, and I’m still figuring things out - I just think the matter of mental illness is an important thing to consider. And a lot of these conspiracy theories were intentionally designed by bigots for bigoted purposes. Popular conspiracy theory influencers nowadays exploit the vulnerable for fame and profit.

Many of these conspiracy theories are just updates of centuries-old antisemitic blood libel, though. And these ideas cause a lot of real harm. You only need to skim the news over the past few years to see how far-reaching and dangerous things like Qanon quickly became. How can we best combat this kind of thing, knowing that they specifically target people who are struggling?

We shouldn’t give conspiracy theories so much as an inch. We should be working to both debunk them and warn others from falling into those belief systems. But what do we do in situations where someone is clearly unwell?

As I said, delusions don’t play by normal rules. Mine didn’t. Presenting evidence isn’t going to work, and that’s not because the person is obstinate, either. I usually just walk away, disconnect - but this is something worth talking about. How do you handle these situations? Why?

Before I go, I want to also note that sometimes a response you post to a person online isn’t actually for them. It’s extremely hard to change someone’s mind by arguing with them online. Other people read those exchanges, though, and are influenced by your words.

In a way, when I argued with Qanoners on Facebook during the lockdowns, I wasn’t typing words for them, but for the lurkers who might come across it. I knew the person I was arguing with wasn’t going to listen, but I also knew we had an audience. So, that, too, is important to keep in mind when dealing with conspiracy theorists (of all sorts) online.

[ewan-mo]

A good day’s work and a celebration dinner

Tuesday 19th September

Breakfast here has different food on offer.  Mo started the day with liver and plantain....

Our conference day began with lingering anxiety over the technology, then a breath of relief. 

Our good friends Mahesh and Sujeet - both professors at Chester University and Cheshire & Wirral Partnership where I used to work - had kindly agreed to give us some teaching on Intellectual Disability and Neurodevelopmental Disorder. ID and NDD! This meant them getting up rather early to allow for the time difference between our two countries, and both ends needing faultless technology to make it happen, despite it being a two hour session over the internet.

Learning from the professors.

ID and NDD are common around the world, and probably neglected more than any other mental health condition.

Happily all went well, and we had a very comprehensive learning session with two international experts. At one point Mahesh was helping us to think about the difficulty some people with NDD have in understanding what others are saying. His illustration was to talk to our students in a foreign language – his native language from a remote part of India, which no one had even heard of. The students were quite entertained as they listened; he turned out to be asking them what they’d had for breakfast.

Our session on epilepsy later in the morning was one of joint learning. 

I challenged the students to discuss how we can do better – rather than just running huge clinics with a minute or two for each patient to review medication and little more, can we do better to help this person in their situation? How are their families managing the stigma? How much do community leaders know? How could we help to change attitudes amongst teachers, employers and the general public? How can we prevent epilepsy from even happening?

Meanwhile I learnt a whole lot more about traditional knowledge of epilepsy and its effects, and the perpetuation of the stigma surrounding the disease.

In April Uganda hosted a national conference on epilepsy. I didn’t know that until I was well on the way thinking about our teaching session! There are 770,000 individuals living with epilepsy in Uganda. Many others are not known to services. There are very few neurologists in the country (hence mental health teams manage people with the condition), and very limited access to investigations such as EEG, which would be routine in the UK. 

Children with epilepsy are often denied education. If they do go to school they are frequently traumatised by the way they are treated – bullied, shamed and stigmatised. Many drop out. Getting employment is a big challenge, and if the seizures are not well controlled, then usually that means dismissal. On our last visit here we met a teacher and her daughter, both of whom have epilepsy. They have been unable to get work. You don’t have to look far to begin to understand some of the causes of poverty in a country like Uganda.

Hugh and Avril arrived just before lunch. It was good to see them and have a more complete team

Supper being cooked outside.

Linda spent the afternoon helping our students to understand psychological ways of working with serious mental conditions like psychosis. 

Workshop Celebration Dinner and an important announcement

Our lovely nuns had��prepared a special celebration dinner which as always included several different carbohydrates, and on this occasion, several proteins as well, including goat, chicken, and beef.  In our experience goat can sometimes be a bit chewy, but this was very well cooked. Avril had never had goat before but she really enjoyed it.

They had also commissioned a beautiful cake:

As the meal ended, Hugh (Chair of Jamie’s Fund) gave a moving resume of all that has been achieved in partnership over the last 10 years: 

Working with 25 hospitals across Uganda

Running professional development workshops in mental health

Training of seven new Psych Clinical Officers who will lead services for the future at their facilities

Over 1000 general health workers trained in mental health knowledge and skills

Over 1000 Community Leaders sensitized on mental health

Provision of new equipment – motor cycles, lap tops etc

He then made the difficult announcement that JF would be closing at the end of the year. As Hugh explained, we have not reached the decision easily. We promised that although the Fund would finish, our relationships would not. The trustees are all getting older as JF has been running for 10 years and the next generation of leaders has unfortunately not emerged. (Those of you on the JF supporters mailing list will receive the letter we have prepared in the near future, but  we felt it was important to tell those who are most affected here in Uganda first.)

Ewan and I are certainly likely to return from time to time to see our friends. 

Our wonderful young people received the news quietly but with great grace and appreciation. They promised that they would continue the great work they had been doing, and would indeed continue community mental health service development. 

[elytrafemme]

i am once again finding myself drafting up the ending notes for the next cough syrup chapter, and once again find myself too afraid to actually touch the draft.

cough syrup was-- is? was?-- a love letter to so many things. originally, a love letter to the DSMP, but i cannot deny that events within the DSMP community (mostly, the dream situation) are part of the reason why i could not bring myself to work on the fic. originally, a love letter to the mental health revelations i experienced, but so much has changed and i’m healing in a different way and it feels so strange, looking at the DSMP writing again, trying to imagine when i was there and why i’m still there yet everything has changed insurmountably. 

part of me wants the fic to be over with in a blink of an eye, so i can move on to other fandom works without feeling chained. another part of me wants to savor this, reignite the community that never really died. another part of me never wants to touch the fic again, to be bitter and angry at the amount of times i’ve used fanfiction as an escape, but then never really escaped. and there’s this other piece of me, too, so outraged at how much other people have loved this fic, so much more than i feel like i have even loved it. but is it outrage, or just me recognizing a responsibility? 

i knew that so many creators get upset about not writing frequently, write these long apologies in their notes only to receive responses like “it’s okay!” and “take your time!”. i think about this, and i think about the fics i have waited years for, and i knew this and i know this and part of me says, okay. you aren’t going to do that. you know that you had to step away, so you aren’t going to feel guilty. but i feel guilty for not feeling guilty. wasn’t i supposed to pour my heart out?

cs!tubbo has been theorized by some to have bpd. this was unintentional. i want this to stay unintentional, but in the time between last september and now i’m beginning to realize that bpd is the explanation for the questions i’ve had for so, so long. cs!ranboo’s psychosis was meant to help me with my own, but i’m no longer suffering avidly from psychosis, so whose story am i telling? this fic was my way of exploring a queerplatonic relationship, but i don’t experience queerplatonic attraction, at least i don’t think so, and what i had mistaken for that was just the way my brain works with love and i don’t know how to write this story because it’s no longer my own.

and here’s the selfish bit of it: i want to stop writing this fic because i know people don’t like the dsmp. i try not to care about that, people don’t like a lot of things. i don’t like taylor swift but one of my old friends and i are working on healing things, so we talk about their love of taylor swift and i listen to her songs and think about them and we’re fighting uphill. but in the same way that i demean my hometown to future college roommates, i want to demean my time in the dsmp fandom because i want to be loved so, so badly. and how much of me writing this fic was me just wanting to be loved, so badly. 

and i was loved! and the characters were and are loved. but i remember the exact point where the fic started getting popular, and things started changing, and i remember going “this isn’t going to end well”. and for all things considered, it didn’t end badly, but i still remember my first rage episode when i saw someone talking about a fic that wasn’t my own. i remember how scared i was when i did see people talking about it, realizing that there’s this clock ticking inside of me; i knew how this was going to end. and i realized that cough syrup was this living, breathing child of mine, one i cannot abandon or hate or write, all the warnings people gave me about not burning out, and i’m sitting with this fic writing a post about it not even knowing if this is true. not sure how to put it all into words.

my beginnings in fandom began in a broken place. i was thirteen when i really started, and i wanted to write and create and soon i got attention from my broken, messy things, and i got so much attention that people said i was so mature, and then i met some bad people, and i started having public breakdowns, and i left the fandom with a dramatic ending note because it felt like it ripped so much from me. and then i came to dsmp, and i wrote cough syrup from this place of finally, finally escaping this period of trauma-- i say it all the time, but cough syrup was written a month after the most traumatizing period of my life ended. i wrote it to feel free, to feel silly and creative. and it was loved and this time, i wasn’t chasing attention, until i did. and i loved it! i love it! it was a good thing in my life it was undeniably good and it still is! but i think part of me never really learned my lesson, i guess.

and now, i want to write from pain again. i want to write from pain and the little bittersweet spots in life because i am so much older than the girl who started cough syrup. i am older and i am so much more cowardly and i am seeing people realize that the blinding optimism i used to have is no longer a steady track. my life lost its control and cough syrup deserved nothing more than my control, but i can’t stomach it again. i don’t want this fic to fix me. because it isn’t going to do it right, this time.

in one of my ending note drafts, i wrote “this chapter is quite possibly one of the hardest things i have ever written”. the chapter isn’t done. so maybe i’m fatalistic. maybe i think people will be crueler to me than they are. maybe i’m still broken about the two or three mutuals i lost for inexplicable reasons, people who loved cough syrup but i wanted to forget about the fic, to just love me, to rip into me and make me whole again. maybe i’m just addicted to attention and this is all a consequence of that.

cough syrup ends happily. cough syrup ends happily, and part of me finds it unbearable to think that some people waited for that happy ending, only for me to start on the most painful chapters. i want to write this happy ending but i want it to feel like it’s a happy ending for me, but how the fuck can i write that? when is it most poetic? do i write it by graduation? by the time i start college? how do i even move forward with this fic i have to finish but a fic i never want to start?

there have been times i’ve been so anxious about how to progress with cough syrup that i felt like i was going to pass out. there have been times where i was so happy about cough syrup that i wanted to tell the entire world, look at this thing i wrote. look at what i’m capable of. look at the friends i am making because we are all searching for hope. there have been times, more recently, where i wish i was still searching for hope in the ways that feel marketable, creative. 

but mostly, i feel like a coward. i feel like i’m giving up on myself. i read the draft, and i hear the crowd roaring, why don’t you love your creation. 

and honestly, it’s not that. 

i think the mare who wrote cough syrup loved herself. and i think the mare that is writing this, now, is angry that she can’t ask herself, then, would you have ever loved me past the ending of this story? 

[incompetent-witch]

My Complaints About the Witchy Community #1

When I first started looking at the witchcraft community, on Reddit, Discord, YouTube and TikTok, I was having fun, even though I was more of an observer and didn’t ever post anything except for one or two things. It was all new to me, so obviously it was very fun at first.

It took me only a month to realize there are are lot of dangerous and problematic collective behaviors in this community as a whole. Cause there are a lot of issues. Like we all talk about cultural appropriation, and I would say that that’s the number one issue for sure, but this series of posts aren’t gonna be in order of significance, but rather issues I have with the over all witchy community as I think of it. That and I’d rather do a lot more research on cultural appropriation in general before chiming in. There are lots of people smarter than me who actively talk about it too.

Guys, I came from an extreme evangelical christian household, with a concentration on doomsday. And obviously, they’re highly republican. So I’m gonna tell you right now, I know fear mongering when I see it. I was born in it, drowned in it, and came out the other side. (Thank fuck)

Like, most every creator out there will tell you to literally cleanse and ward every two seconds. Like, I get it, it’s an easy thing to do so really good for beginners to get started with. But that’s not really what’s happening, is it? No, everyone is paranoid as fuck. And our contemporaries teach us to look over our shoulder every second. How many times have I seen or read about people doing return to senders, because they just decided that someone they know casted a curse on them, based off of what exactly? For feeling a little tired lately? C’mon guys.

This cattiness causes people to throw reversals and curses left and right, use words like “Psychic Vampire” when whoever they’re targeting are literally not. Even if they were, that’s a legitimate magical practice. Like guys, they’re fine. They’re not scary, they’re not dangerous. Stop making weird-ass assumptions about other practitioners. Honestly, stop making weird-ass assumptions about random, normal INNOCENT people in general.

Why am I so upset about this? Because we have created a community filled with paranoia and even at times hysteria. It’s conspiracy theory level stuff, (I.E, starseeds, which originates in rewriting history, which is the definition of conspiracy theories.) which has no business being in witchy circles.

We have curse wars and people screaming on planes because they have decided that someone sitting behind them “Is not real!!” (NPC’s conspiracy has entered the chat) 🙄

And don’t even get me started on the constant, ‘evil eye’. Yeah, it’s a genuine traditional concept that exists in different forms across many different cultures, and I’m not saying it’s wrong AT ALL. I’m saying that this aspect of most of our practices is being taught to beginners so much that they just end up seeing everything as scary. More experienced and Influential creators included. PEOPLE WERE LITERALLY SUSPICIOUS OF THEIR OWN FRIENDS AND FAMILY BECAUSE THE DIDN’T LIKE THE SMELL OF ‘PROTECTIVE’ INCENSE….

There is nothing wrong with having a few wards, an evil eye necklace, or cleansing frequently. I personally love running around my room with a stick of incense. It’s fun. I’m not attacking any one individual here. This is no-ones fault, BUT as a community, this is a problem that I have not seen anyone discussing in a way that connects all of these elements together.

People are always screaming “SPIRITUAL PSYCHOSIS!!!” When that is a made up term, and completely disregards the fact that we have MADE THEM THIS WAY! They’re freaking out because we taught them they should be. There’s so many layers to the whole ‘spiritual psychosis’ thing. It in and of itself is ablest. (I’ll make a separate post about it, cause I’ve needed to vent about it for a while now.)

And you know what it brings me back to?

Exorcisms. Evangelicals claiming you have a demon inside of you. Abusive religious parents calling everything demonic. Attacking their own children for doing normal things, or just assuming they did something unclean or whatever and punishing them anyways. I’ve seen a lot.

Good old fashioned Religious-Fear mongering. Because spirituality is still a religion. Don’t make the same mistakes as the Christian churches have done.

A lot of us came from Christianity, and because of our resentment we brought with us none of the good. We only carried with us all of the bad, incorporated it into our craft, wrote about it, preached about it, and ultimately taught others to do the same. And it REALLY shows.

The witch community is just afraid of rebranded demons. STOP LOOKING FOR SCARY THINGS IN THE DARK. THERE IS NOTHING THERE.

And homies, I’m not talking about those curses, complicated rituals, or any spell or ritual that deals in dangerous entities or concepts.

I’m talking about those who do this for good luck spells, glamour magic, focus spells, all the little safe spells that isn’t going to kill you. None of these things are gonna kill you. Some people do these extra cleansing and warding because they enjoy the ritual. Some people do it for peace of mind. I do it because It get’s me in the mood for spell-work, and I find it relaxing.

Nope, I’m specifically talking about the people who do it out of fear from every little inconvenience. Which is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

If you’re gonna do a video, write a post, or a book that includes teaching a lot of cleansing, warding, banishing and reversals, it NEEDS to include clarification that you don’t have to do it. Remind people that they’re SAFE.

Like, seeing all of this, with no one addressing it… I almost left because the similarities between christianity and the state of occult based spirituality was uncanny. And that was scary.

Well, someone had to say it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna burn myself on the stake.

[autisticarachnid]

how does Jacob Dyer differ from the jacob in game?

oo this is gonna be tricky to answer because i don’t actually know a lot about in-game jacob, so bare with me as i’ll be using the limited knowledge i have

so the most glaring difference comes from the family. my jacob was the oldest of four children with happily married parents- a mother who worked in alchemy and a father who worked for the ministry. he grew up in a stable, loving, supportive household.

another main difference is jacob got into the vaults out of sheer curiosity, and wasn’t involved with R at all. jacob did receive a brief threat or two from them, but he didn’t realize the extent of R’s existence until duncan’s death; duncan had been separately threatened and didn’t tell jacob. jacob was purely a curious child with a desire to figure things out, and got into the vaults because he was curious and wondered if he could figure it out. in fact, by the time the vaults proved themselves dangerous he didn’t even want to be involved anymore; he stayed involved in the vaults because he felt lile it was his responsibility to protect those around him.

after his expulsion, jacob returned home. he briefly stayed with madam rosmerta like in the game, then returned to his house once the heat on him died down. he began sneaking out after realizing R was responsible for duncan’s death; however, this was a mix of wanting to avenge duncan and wanting to protect his family from their wrath. just like in-game, he was duped by rakepick and left in the portrait vault.

jacob slowly began losing his mind in the portrait vault, as he began to doubt the reality around him. it’s important to know he struggled for years afterwards with hallucinations and psychosis, and was even diagnosed with schizophrenia later on. his psychosis did wear down eventually, but he continues to have hallucinations to this day, as an effect of his very mind and reality being warped for years.

also, jacob dyer stayed with thalia up until the moment of the portkey, at which point he instead disapparated into the forbidden forest to search for rakepick. he didn’t face his family for weeks after, too ashamed to show himself. (he did eventually show himself that december over winter break- it was an unbelievably emotional affair on all sides). he did stay somewhat in contact with thalia though, feeling like he owed it to her to keep an eye out and stay in communication. while he still did his best to limit the time he spent around her (for her safety, he told himself) he did talk to thalia, recognizing that she was clearly capable of protecting herself and had a strong army of allies behind her. the two worked together throughout her sixth year (and potentially seventh, i haven’t decided when R disappears) to track down and defeat R.

with the dyer patriarch being a regular ministry worker and not at all involved with ‘R’, that storyline doesn’t exist in my AU. i haven’t yet determined what happens with R in my AU, but they are dissolved by the end of the second war.

after thalia graduated, jacob became an auror briefly. he was an auror from around 1991 until 1993, when he quit to go travel the world instead. in 1995 he settled in greece, and had a one night stand with a woman named dionysia, who later gave birth to his daughter, elysia, in february 1996.

another difference thats important to note is his personality. while i’m still not 100% sure on in-game jacob’s personality, jacob dyer grew up as a shy, introverted and inquisitive child who loved his little sisters dearly. after duncan died, he notably became more reckless, independent and daring. he deeply cared for those around him, but was so afraid of hurting anyone else that he shut himself off from everyone. after he escaped the vault, he was running on pure survival instincts for a full year, being paranoid and constantly on-edge, afraid that he was being tracked/constantly endangering the people around him. after R was (kinda) defeated, he actually mellowed out a lot. by the time he became a father, he was introverted, reclusive, calm and quiet. he preferred to stay out of anything dangerous and distanced himself away from the UK, hoping to avoid his own reputation. he still lives in greece to this day, and lives a mostly quiet life running a small business. he only ever goes back to the UK once a year to visit family.

this is what i have so far on him ! i do want to further develop him at some point, so this may be updated later on ^^

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: csa and cocsa, mentions of mental illness and derealisation/depersonalisation, it may be considered a vent too so be aware

hi, i'm immensely grateful for having a place to say this, or to talk about it with anyone, so if any of the mods decides to answer this ask, please know that the time and effort you put into it is greatly appreciated and i hope the best for you. <3

so, i'm not sure where i'm going with this so i'll make sure to proof read it when i'm finished and i'll try to keep things the least graphic i can. i would say i'm looking for advice or help, but really, it's not like other people can dig in my mind and memories for me. so maybe just reassurance, because i really really need to speak to someone who understands and has gone through my struggles as well, and going through this without even remembering properly is frustrating.

so. i've been sexually assaulted or molested as a child. this is what i suspect at least. the signs have always been there, but i've also experienced other trauma and i have other mental illnesses and issues, so they could have been caused by other things as well. i also have an awful, terrible memory and a dissociative disorder (i experience both depersonalisation and derealisation, to the point of psychosis sometimes), so my grasp on reality and memories is not good at all.

two years and a half ago, more or less, a very old memory from my childhood, of which i remember basically nothing, came back up while rewatching banana fish, an anime in which some major themes are rape and the sexual abuse of children. at that moment i felt very scared and very confused, and i didnt know what to do of it. i think i also kind of forgot or repressed it again.

almost two years later (last october) it all came back up again and this time i actually processed what had happened. i still didnt know what to do of it, and i partially still dont know now, but it's been troubling me. this memory is of me being touched in a sexual manner when i was still a child (i estimated that it's probably from ages 5 to 9, but who can be sure). i wish i could remember clearly, and more, because i'm uncertain about the real perpetrator (i dont know whether it is the person i remember, or if i just replace the person in my memories) and whether it really happened, and even if it was only this time or others (which i'm very suspicious about since i don't think that my reactions are justified just by this).

it's scary and, if i am correct, it really has scarred me without me even noticing. i have so many doubts and the thought of it has been bothering me a lot. i don't wish to remember for any reason (since it wouldn't be useful at all anymore) except for the fact that i *need* to know and understand to what extent i've been traumatised and find the cause to the various signs i've noticed.

it's so frustrating.

i've actually compiled a list of said signs that i've noticed, other than the resurfaced memory itself, and i have all the more reasons to believe that if the body knows then it did happen, but i hate not having more to work on. the more i think of it the more unreal it feels.

- klaus

Hi klaus,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and please know you're not alone. It's important to acknowledge that memory recall can be tricky, and it's not uncommon to have doubts and uncertainties.

I think it’s important to consider that if you did go through something, it’s possible that you could be partially repressing it. Just because you don't have all the details doesn’t necessarily mean it didn’t happen, as memory is not only flimsy but having a dissociative disorder can exacerbate this.

That all being said, I don’t want to say for absolute sure that something happened because there simply isn’t enough information. If nothing happened, it would be dangerous to assume it did, so I would recommend to just give this some time and see if anything else comes up for you. it’s important to give yourself the time and space to heal and for those details to come back on their own. It can be distressing to not know where these things are coming from, but you can do damage to yourself when you actively search for memories that potentially aren’t ready to be explored.

Ultimately this could be something to explore with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, ideally one who specializes in trauma or dissociative disorders, can help you make sense of what you recall and give you ways to process this. Therapy can assist you in processing your emotions, managing dissociation, and gaining a deeper understanding of your trauma's impact.

Please know that healing is a gradual process, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain at times. By reaching out and sharing your story, you're taking important steps towards healing and finding answers. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[unknwnxquantity]

You can’t help who you are to someone. Or what lesson you become for them. You kinda can to an extent but not really. It’s funny how life is so open to infinite interpretations about situations and people. They’re all so complex yet so similar in themes/how things play out. It’s also funny from the outside looking in, one is able to see what the situation is objectively vs the person who’s in it and has all this insight, but is clouded by it. Humans are so interesting. Things be feeling they’re the end all be all. Like with me for example, if I’m at a job I’ll think I’m there til the day I die. I know it’s “temporary” but my mind thinks everything’s permanent. That all my situations now are permanent. But it’s the furthest thing from that. A year from now my life is going to be unrecognizable. And then two years from now my life will be unrecognizable to the life I haven’t caught up to yet. And the cycle continues. The patterns continue. But with more experience, they continue. Or they’ll be altered completely due to the insight. Who knows.

Why is this life a never ending movie? Sometimes I’ll be like omg I wish I could just go hibernate or have my soul go home for a bit then come back. Maybe for just a week. Why aren’t we allowed to do that? (I feel our dreams are the only way we’re able to do that to an extent). But then it’s like if we all were allowed, we wouldn’t come back 😭 or we wouldn’t be able to access people bc they’re on their soul vacation while you’re back on earth. (What if people who are mentally “gone” or in psychosis experience this, their souls are back home but parts of their unhinged psyche are still on earth and that’s why they’re not in touch with reality…. there’s a theory on schizophrenia where their souls are just so in tune with the “unseen” and are just so tapped in, that that’s why their reality isn’t like ours….. what if that’s true? And then It’s almost like why can’t we literally block people in real life? You can’t no matter what. Restraining orders, jail etc “yes” it can keep them away. But no they still exist here at the same time as you are here, til one of you guys pass. But then we can’t block people, bc it would mess with the butterfly effect and chain reactions of life. If you could just block somebody, everybody and their moms would be blocked! And what about if there was more to the story there or if they are supposed to interact with your cousin in some way? (The only way to “block” is for someone to pass. Even then .. no. Only physically.) You just don’t know you just don’t. And you never will to certain extents.

My brain can go on and on with different abstract thoughts like this. I go down the rabbit hole and jump from one topic to the next to the next to the next and can make all sorts of connections bc everything has a connection to each other. There is always something to talk about because it’s just infinite, and even in this second, there’s new things being brought to life or happening that gives yet another thing to think about or discuss. New things to existing concepts that have existed since the beginning of time…. An important thing I was taught?—Was I? Did an ex friend put me onto this or did I hear about it on TikTok or something—anyway it’s that every single person in this life you encounter you have something in common with them. It can be literally anything or anyone, any age, even a baby or an animal. It’s just about finding that common ground and making that connection (Ive used this line in interviews a lot lol it really helps). Being intuned. Observant. And not afraid to bring it up! Not being afraid of people and conversations. Who cares if “you look dumb” or that person didn’t take anything away from the interaction. This shit is NOT REALL just say it! Say it with your chest. Stop saying it in your head. I feel like society feels they’re “too cool” to say something. Or too anxious. No. Like just now I was at the park and I saw this old yt man sunbathing in a chair on the side of one of the fields. And he had a nike and Jordan symbol tatted on his leg. I walked past him a few times and I’m like I wanna say something but I don’t wanna disturb his peaceful sunbathing. But now I regret it. It was a missed connection. Who knows who he could’ve been to me. Probably no one but just a man I probably wouldn’t see again or just say hi in passing… but still!!! Maybe I would’ve made his day. Maybe he would’ve really needed that compliment and random conversation. We’ll never know

[tielt]

You can trust someone and not trust they are able to be respectful to your well-being. I had to cut off my parents but I don’t think they want to hurt me intentionally, I don’t trust their belief system and will never. I’m luckier than a lot of people whose parents are physically violent with them or intentionally brutal. I still talk with my siblings mostly. My family already has scars they didn’t learn from, the distance there is for mutual protection. Psychosis happened for me after fighting with them when I came out, it’s legitimately not safe to speak with them. I talked with my mom recently, but asked her to retain no contact. Psychosis feels external, it’s like no part of myself I have ever seen and it baffles me as to what purpose it exists. I felt relieved to speak with her, but I still believe speaking with her is harmful to me. Don’t judge people for not wanting to interact with abusive family even if they are only misguided. They don’t seem capable of understanding how their in-group harms queer people and they are old. They will never be able to have basic respect for me and I don’t blame them for my psychotic break. My aunt adopted me basically, she is wonderful.

I’ve stayed in relationships to not be alone and I’m definitely swinging wide the other way. I like the freedom I have and I see bonding with others as being negative for them, and yes I have depression-delusions similarly to the ones I’ve always had. I don’t understand why people fixate on me, a lot of people have a death wish. It did improve when I transitioned, but I’m transitioning because I wanted to know before I died if that would fix me, my other problems are still as real as before. I have dysphoria every day though I don’t think that’s required to be trans. I don’t feel dead as I did, usually lately I feel quintessentially human. A lot of things have improved in separating myself from abusive relationships. Scary times I keep feeling like I need to fight this, I know I’m not well adjusted to what anyone should be able to do as any kind of leader and I’m sorry about that.

[creaturebehavior]

when taylor graduated she had a party and her grandma or aunt or someone in her family made fun of me because i was taking pictures of the cookies because they were cute and i love taylor and i wanted to capture some nice memories and photography and art are things that are important to me so i took more than one photo and a took them at appealing angles and focus on framing the shots nicely, she was like *laugh* what are you doing? 🤨

i don’t even remember what my response was, i was so taken aback.

taylor said something like “ema’s like, a photographer..” but she said it kind of joking because like i’m not a photographer obviously but she kind of knows i like photography. and at the time i was having a really sensitive day, and even taylor’s comment kind of hurt my feelings because you could tell taylor wasn’t in the mood to have to defend me for doing something a little out of the ordinary in front of her family and i was embarrassed and annoyed that i felt embarrassed, and i also could just feel like, how little taylor understood me at the time like. yeah she knows i like taking pictures but she doesn’t actually know how much i love taking pictures and that idek. i feel like a lot of women aren’t taken seriously when they’re interested in photography so it hit a soft spot for me and also i was going through it at the time and it hurt that the way taylor said i was into photography sounded like, unsure and, not annoyed but like. unamused i guess would be the word. And personally, as an artist, if my friends don’t have a light behind their voice when they say the kind of art i create, that hurts my feelings.

You can tell when someone loves you and loves that you make art. idek. it was a small interaction. and there was a lot going on at the time. it’s never just about one comment.

but I never sent taylor those pictures. or even went through them and picked the final shots.

and we stopped talking after that.

when i became friends with taylor, i felt open to the fact that we didn’t have a lot in common. i kind of liked having a friends with a different background, different lifestyle, different opinions than mine. but then along the way as i started to get sicker and having episodes it became difficult to connect with her, because when you’re rapid cycling through psychosis and mania and depression and you don’t even feel like a person anymore, it’s difficult to connect with someone who has no way to relate to what you’re going through.

i’m still trying to find the words to explain to her that i care about her but that i’m not in the place to be friends. i feel so bad for ghosting, and she knows i’m unwell and last she texted me i promised her i don’t want things to be this way. i feel bad cuz i know i probably hurt her. i didn’t know what to do when i went crazy so i isolated myself from her. i became a spiraling toxic mess so i knew i couldn’t communicate effectively

ugh what is this post even about? i’m just processing. i was going through photos and i remembered about that day. I didn’t even take that many photos either. just enough to choose from.

but i remember feeling so embarrassed and unseen after that interaction with taylor’s aunt or whoever that lady was.

maybe this is excessive to some people but idek. to me this feels incredibly reasonable. you have a couple shots to choose from per angle.

I took those photos because I loved my friend and wanted to capture some memories of her graduation party because it was a big deal to me.

i also took a couple photos of the custom flower pieces her mom made. idek.

one day i’ll send her some of the photos i took but idek. i felt so sensitive about it at the time. and unappreciated i guess. like. yeah sorry that’s my friend who… likes… taking pictures i guess…

I’m fully aware i read too deeply into things and im overly sensitive. it was a really weird time in my life. still is.

Big deal. no one normal would blow those two comments out of proportion. i’m not normal though i was in fact having a BPD episode the day of her graduation party and that’s genuinely how i felt.

i made this post purely for me btw. if you read this post then whoa lol. i didn’t see that coming