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#love is so scary how does one do this
honeyloopsenthusiast · 5 months
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thinking abt how not a lot of ppl talk abt (or maybe they do and it’s me!! im the issue here i haven’t met them so if ur seeing this hmu!!) how tiring and downright cruel being in love can be for a person. maybe cruel is a strong word but it can be so very disturbing having to think abt a person all the time and I am by no means trying to say that being in love with someone is a- full time commitment and a job and it requires you to put in the hours and shi- but js the feeling part of it.
I canNOT be the only one thinking it’s not all that perfect and that when we go high we go high but when we go low we go so fucking low that im abt two millimetres from touching the ground after falling from a 80feet roller coaster drop.
And by lows i don’t mean the ups and downs however subjective this may be from person to person- i mean LOW like there’s nothing the other persons doing to make you feel this way but it’s js the act of being left in ur own company and being so sickeningly preoccupied w thoughts of them that it’s physically making you sick.
Not disgustingly sick just- sick. Like this is affecting me both mentally and physically. I’m not irked out by them im not disgusted but im just on edge??
I feel nauseous and distracted and disturbed bcs I cant stop thinking abt them and it’s leaving me restless and incapacitated to carry on w my day?? and suddenly I don’t feel like eating anymore im subconsciously skipping meals and consistently depending on what they have to say which is robbing me off my will to js be by myself??
Again they’ve done NOTHING wrong to cause this. I have never not felt deeply abt a situation. love doesn’t sound overwhelming to me love sounds dangerous. it’s taking “butterflies in my stomach” to another level and idk how I feel abt that
Being sexually fluid and shifting from being cupioromantic to being in a relationship with someone can be so frightening bcs now im supposed to do everything I’ve never done before
I have genuinely (in the least self pity way possible) been so devoid of romantic intimacy that I’ve never found myself in the position to experience it. And it’s not the inexperience that’s driving me mad it’s the fact that I’ve subconsciously rejected affection and the idea of being the object of attraction so much that it’s physically uncomfortable to be unknowingly doing things that I’d never do before.
I love them and I still want to be with them. They’re not the problem here but the aftermath of being in love is just not spoken about enough and MAYBE IM GOJNG NOWHERE W THIS
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arcticclimes · 15 days
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velvetwyrme · 21 hours
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doozi's undertale fic recs round THREE
As requested, here are EVEN MORE FIC RECS. This round is mostly reader inserts, with a dash of platonic and non-reader fics at the end.
As usual, this is really really long, so take your time and enjoy! Some of them are uhhhh, pretty spicy, so please make sure to check the warnings and tags and act accordingly.
Please tread carefully while reading, check tags, take breaks, drink water and HAVE FUN <3
The STATUS of each fic is labelled as such: Finished, Ongoing/Unfinished, Discontinued. (Unless the author specified that the fic is Discontinued, on Indefinite Hiatus, or otherwise abandoned the work, I will mark it as Ongoing/Unfinished. Oneshots are also marked as such.)
Spicy (Explicit) and/or Dark fics have also been labelled if relevant. (I won’t mark ones with just suggestive themes/moments, since I cant guarantee I’ll catch all of them. Similarly, unless there is consistent graphic death, gore, or otherwise prevalent upsetting topics, I [probably] won’t mark it as dark.)
MULTICHAPTERS
Ghost Hunting With Skeletons - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
ONE OF THE FICS OF ALL TIME!!!
Go "ghost hunting" with Cash while looking for machine parts! Become Sans' weird coworker! Lie and keep secrets with Red! Get tangled up with a mysterious shadowy figure who spontaneously spawns in your house- wait, what was that last one?
Tilikum - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
I'm sure everyone and their dog knows of this fic by now but listen. If you haven't read this, somehow, please do yourself a favour and read this immediately.
I love mer fics and I especially love CEPHALOPOD SIRENS. (Blue and Red are very good in this fic but SKULL!!!! MY PRECIOUS BOY!!)
The Mirror Bay Depths - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
And speaking of MER FIC- if you like merskeletons, mysteries, manipulation and mmmmmmmmmm...magical workarounds for linguistic difficulties (i made the alliteration work, see?) Then you'll LOVE this fic!
Dive into The Mirror Bay Depths and get charmed by a buncha mers! It's super cute and also has a serious undertone of "UH OH" once the mystery begins to come to light.
Got Crabs? - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Got crabs????? Hilarious soulmate AU where you and have some of the stupidest words written on each other's bodies and it all goes GREAT.
You do in fact, got crabs.
It's Just A Game - Sans/Reader - Finished
CYOAs my beloved. This was recced to me recently and I got caught up with all the new updates and it's sooooo good auugugjhfkgh,, I love existential crises and weird metafiction.
cat ~/.zsh_history - Sans/Reader - Finished
If you enjoyed It's Just A Game, or other fics like it, you'll probably like this too!!!! Player-character reality simulation existential angst all wrapped up into a neat little fic <3333 It feels like a weight on my heart.
The Understudy - Sans/Reader - Finished
THE anti-harem fic. As in, THE anti-harem fic that inspired the structure of every other anti-harem fic. It's a piece of fantastic storytelling and is a literal pioneer of a genre.
It was a fic that was intended to flip a genre on it's head, and it's fascinating to me that it became a genre of its own. Splendidly written and is the cause of 99% of my confusion during my return to the fandom because all of a sudden there were a buncha anti-harems and I was like WTF ARE THESE jkdhfgkjdfk,,
I went into it intending to find out the history behind anti-harems, and then got sucked in completely. You can guess the general premise, but MAN does plot hit hard!!!!!!
And speaking of anti-harems...
The Eye of a Judge - Various, Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
What if anti-harem fic, except the terrible GF was EVEN MORE terrible. Really really fun concept with what happens to the reader, and oh so fucked up just in general. Make sure to check the tags on this one.
The Faults in Our Souls - W.D. Gaster/Reader - Finished
This fic is super sweet, the reader falls into the Underground and gets taken in by Gaster and his two boys, eventually falling in love and becoming a parental figure for the skelebros. But then the incident with the core happens...
Pros & Cons - Sans/Reader - Finished/Series
[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]
I try not to put too much NSFW in the lists on this blog but uhhhh *looks at the rest of the list* it's fine. I like these fics too much not to add them.
This one in particular is AMAZING and really funny to boot. The reader wakes up after a one night stand with very few memories of the night before and debates the pros and cons of checking who they slept with thsjfbbfkfbk
The fic right after is ALSO hilarious because it gives so much more context and life to the world I love it dearly. Also the smut is great but yknow gbflgbkf I'm TRYING to keep this relatively SFW
Eau de résistance - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
Underfell flavoured slave AU which gets really, really complicated emotions-wise. It's one of the few UT fics I still keep up with pretty actively atm, and it's because the mystery has me hooked. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
Other than the obvious premise, it gets into some darker topics, so if you're sensitive to that sorta stuff, please read the tags and tread carefully if you decide to read! Otherwise, enjoy!
The Party Incident and Other Embarrassing Anecdotes - Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]
Takes a deep breath. Ok so, I debated adding this fic. Not because I don't like it, but because I haven't actual read this in years, so I don't know how it stands up to the test of time.
I don't usually like adding fics that I can't certifiably recommend, but I also feel like if you haven't read this, you haven't Really experienced Undertale reader inserts. It's like. a classic.
I still remember vividly cringing from secondhand embarrassment SO many times while reading BUT I wouldn't trade in that experience for anything- I fucking loved this fic. It was wonderful and terrible and so incredibly fun, and honestly I kinda don't want to reread it so I can keep it in the shiny veneer of nostalgia forever.
Smells Like Chalk and a Cockatoo - Sans/Reader - Finished
[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]
Uhhhh, I don't actually have a good segue for this, but this one also has really complicated relationships. There is a happy ending! It's a fucking rollercoaster to get there though.
It's kinda in the same vein as The Party Incident for me, I consider it a classic, and it's also... very 2016/17. Take that how you will. I don't know if I'd recommend this fic, but I definitely think you should read it, if you know what I mean. I'm VERY fond of it despite my extremely conflicted emotions. It's definitely not for everyone though.
Oh, also it has the most fucked up form of skeleton reproduction ever <3 That's okay though, because it results in one of my favourite fankids ever. I'm love my boyyy Impact ;w;!!!!
Bonetrast - Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
The reader in this is terrible and I'm fascinated. I like reading about characters being antagonistic towards each other sometimes, so I really enjoyed this and I wanna see where the author takes this. Make sure to read the tags.
A Drink That Hits Right In the Bones - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
This one... the reader in this kinda sucks too jhsfjkdf but in a different way. Once again fascinating as hell!!! Drunk, gay, in denial and homophobic, this reader is NOT having a great time.
I, however, reading it, am having a fantastic time!
breakfast combo - Sans/Reader - Finished
Veryyyyyy cute! The reader gets bothered about their crush on Sans by UF!Sans. Love the banter. Oneshot turned twoshot, it's a nice little read :D
Penned to you - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Penpals!!! I'm loving this so far <3 Horrortale Pap and the reader become penpals and subsequently friends. Sans is... around, probably not being spooky and weird. I'm excited to see where this one goes >:00
Grounding Your Ego - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Soulmate AU again!!! The reader has a set of REALLY terrible words written around their neck, and... they're mute. :]
ALSO the little snippets of world building are so delicious and have stuck in my mind like the- wait fuck I just realised the title is a pun what the fuck how'd I miss that before- LIKE THE GROUNDS IN PAPYRUS' COFFEE.
The Sacrificial Skeleton and the Labyrinth of Gods - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]
:] *points vigourously at the warning* The smut is a pretty ingrained part once it gets to it, but I couldn't NOT add this fic.
Anyway I'm a little obsessed with this fic. There's a skeleton reader, who's a necromancer! The skeletons are thought to be gods, but actually they got isekai'd! It's a WILD RIDE and it's surprisingly good??? It feels like one of those webtoons or manga that you look at the cover/summary for and go *??????* at, but then you start reading it and go "OH, THIS IS REALLY FUN ACTUALLY."
There's pretty intense language barriers between the skeletons and the reader for a lot of the fic, but I love that sorta stuff, so that just makes it better for me lol. I adore the dynamics between the characters, they feel so diametrically opposed sometimes it's great.
Nothing to see here. - Various/Reader, Various Sanscest - Ongoing/Unfinished
Oh this one!!! Should probably actually go under misc but it's okay. This fic asks the question of: What if there was a MASSIVE multiversal mashup and some of the residents shared an apartment building where they now live completely normal domestic lives?
It's got /Reader stuff as well as a fun selection of Sanscest and platonic roommate content, and each chapter is semi-self contained and really fun.
Magic Bitty Bits™ - Various/Reader, Various Sanscest - Ongoing/Unfinished
Another one that should technically be under misc. I love bitty fics... and I love really fucked up shit happening to characters <3 Take are to note the warnings at the beginning of chapters, but hhrhghh I'm on the edge of my seat every time something happens/is revealed. LIKE WHAT!! WHAT!!!!!!! AHH-
The Monster Who Will Always Wait - Nightmare!Sans - Finished
Small kraken mer becomes BIG KRAKEN MER!!!!!! Leviathan sized drama, with some sweet romance. I followed this one from the day it was posted to the day it finished and I loved every second.
Dire Wolf - Horror!Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
You get two new coworkers, who have some unusual habits surrounding food, leading you to make them lunch!! As you grow closer, their histories and rivalries come to light. It's hella good and I love the character dynamics.
Uncomfortably Similar Situations - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Finished
Horrortale!Sans brings you home like one would a starving stray cat. There are ups and downs but everything turns out alright :]!!
The Sound of the Sea - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
More mer content!!! But Underfell Sans this time ! There are only 3 chapters so far and it has me wanting more!! I love this so much...
Sweet Deceptions - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Fake dating!!!!! What more can I say ;D Well, I can say a lot more, like how fantastic this fic is with the escalation of the fake relationship, but I'll leave yall to find that out for yourselves :]
Dream Catcher, Nightmare Snatcher - Nightmare!Sans - Ongoing/Unfinished
HRHHGH Nightmare gets stuck in a Venom-esque situation with you, and you both suffer the consequences. You're both menaces to each other in this, it's great.
Coffee and Chaos - Underfell!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Reader ends up inheriting their mom's tenants, a pair of skeleton brothers. It's a nice slice of life!! Also, he/they reader ftw \o/!!
Canids love bones - Bad Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
In this, the reader is a monster with a really fluffy tail and a tragic past. They just keep getting bothered by these skeleton dudes and eventually end up joining them. Fun read! I like monster readers.
Train Station Blues - Mafiafell!Sans/Reader - Discontinued
Sadly discontinued :( Still a really solid fic and an enjoyable read!!! I adore the 1920s as a setting...
What is This, A Hallmark Movie? - Underswap!Papyrus/Reader - Finished
Christmas fic!! The reader does not like Christmas, and Stretch tries his best to get them to enjoy it regardless. It doesn't work out too well... but everything is alright in the end. I loved Stretch's determination jkfdhgkjdfg hes trying so hard...
Story of the perfect vessel - Various Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Really interesting premise!!! You're a parasite that took over this dying human's body and are now puppeteering it around. Then you meet a buncha skeletons, but you're still a parasite with no sense of what being human is like!! Love me some weird concepts.
America's Unluckiest (Luckiest) Almost-Astronomer - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Yaayyyy! You get isekai'd into a hot mess of a universe, brimming with skeletons, skeletons and more skeletons! There's some weird stuff going on, but surely it'll be fine.
All is Fair in Love and Prank Wars - Sans/Reader - Finished
Hey! Another 2016 fic! The reader starts a prank war with Sans. Gets angsty but everything gets better in the end. I really enjoyed it :> Reader is named in this, but for some reason that didn't bother me like it usually does lol
Mr. Fear - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Finished
This is an interesting one. It's set in a mashup of various AUs (e.g. Swapfell Alphys and Underfell Papyrus) but not in like. a multiversal machine malfunction sorta deal. Anyway, it's got a fun plot and I really enjoyed it :]
Cheshire Kitten - Underswap!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
The reader is a shapeshifter who prefers to be a cat! (Mood) And they use that to deal with problems large and small. It's real sweet and makes me also want to be able to turn into a shapeshifting cat.
it's just me and an overly enthusiastic skeleton; trying to solve a murder. - Underswap!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
Ah, I love ridiculously long titles. Saves me time. The title also acts as a summary, and it's really fun!! Monster murders must be horrible to make a case for, since you can't inspect the body for evidence...
Ship of bones - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
PIRATES!!!!! I love the action and drama in this one, it's so fun! Also features a lot of scary skeletons. I loved reading about the reader giving them the slip >:3c!!
A Sea of Hope - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
MORE pirates!! This one features a skeleton reader <33 I love the backstory and lore... also the reader is so teeny compared to Axe :DDD
You Know Where To Find Me - Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
I am so invested in this premise (Papyrus is the mascot of monsterkind and you are his assistant) and both of you are tired after having a string of terrible employers/employees kjhkjdfg,, I'm so excited to see where this goes, it's been fun so far.
=========================
ONESHOTS
Seeing Double - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
Twin shenanigans. TWIN SHENANIGANS AT COFFEE SHOPS! I can't say more without spoiling things so just go read it!!! Reader(s) are named but moreso for Twin purposes.
Somethin' Special - Underswap!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
More coffee shop AU! Very cute. SO cute. They're both awkward and silly and its SO sweet.
Daguerreologue - Sans/Reader, Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot/Series
Actually a oneshot that's part of a series, but I just liked this one the most (you should also go read the rest of the series, it's really good too!!!)
Feels like a little snapshot of a soft, warm life, worn by time. It's just a really nice fic! Good for feelin fuzzy inside.
Looking for Something - Sans/Reader - Oneshot
The reader loves to people watch, and draw the people they see. Some of which, are monsters ;)! Superrrrrrrrrr cute. Suuuuuuuuuper super cute.
FIGHT ME!! - Sans/Reader - Oneshot
Not to be mistaken for Fight Me! by MsMK or Fight Me! by Little_old_lady (both of which are very good!!!!!!!) This fic DOES however use the same basic premise/prompt except with Sans as the nurse and it's SIMILARLY fantastic. I love nurse Sans in this.
If yall know of more UT fics with this title/concept please tell me so I can make this stupid joke a third time.
Dates are dumb - Sans/Reader - Oneshot
Sans has a really bad blind date, but his server comes to the rescue!! Really cute!
This was supposed to be smut, idk what happened. - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
As the title says, notably not smut. Sexy and very charged? Absolutely.
It's a soulmate AU where the reader is a mob boss making a trade of sorts with their rival, Sans. He shows off the goods before the trade is accepted.
Light of My Life - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
Very sweet!! The reader has magic that allows them to hear magic, and they let Papyrus listen in.
and i will love you on purpose - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
As you've probably noticed, 99% of the oneshots I rec here are super cute, and this is no exception djkfgkjgfh 5+1 of kissing Horror, it's bitesized and adorable.
Stargazing - Sans/Reader - Oneshot
A little slice of happiness set before the barrier went up. Sans and the reader are kids and it's very very sweet.
It's Raining Right Here (They/Them Edition) - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
Veryyyy cute snapshot of romance with Papyrus <3!!!!
General Misconception - Megalosomnia!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
I love the Megalosomnia AU and I also love Papyrus. This has both :] I won't spoil things, but General just wants to be helpful :))
And speaking of Megalosomnia...
Delirious - Megalosomnia - Dr. Baggs/Reader - Oneshot
[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]
>:3c I usually try avoid too much explicit content for these lists but listennnnnnnn I love good and fun characterisation MORE than any conviction I have to that, plus I've broken that rule already.
Anyway senseless justification aside, I freakin loveeeee how much characterisation gets packed in here, it's delicious!! You get to know so much about the dynamics and workings of the relationships in this universe it's great.
Relearning - Ink!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
The reader breaks her arm and has to relearn how to draw. Cue Ink! It's really sweet!!
Turn The Page - Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Oneshot
This one is actually part of a series but I just really like this one hjsdfgjhf,, I love festivals and markets!! The reader is so awkward and jumpy and I'm like. ah. a kindred spirit.
Meet Cute Oneshots - Various - Oneshot/Series
Cheating again by linking a series. As the title implies, it's a bunch of meet cutes!! My favorites (as of writing) are the second, fourth and fifth in the series ^^!!
the thing about axe - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
You go for a nice walk in the woods with Axe :) I love how it this one plays with emotions and atmosphere for the audience, because the reader (character) is mostly oblivious to Axe's history.
hottie hotline - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
Really sweet and funny. Red gets stuck in an elevator. THE FUCKING ENDING GOT ME. HRHFKFJFKDNDK
A Conversation Starter - Swapfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
First times for both of them! A snapshot of these two stumbling through a conversation with a human/monster for the first time. It's adorable.
Soulmate of the Century - Nightmare!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
Soulmate AU where you can't harm your soulmate. You really just wanted some ramen, man.
Kabedon - Swapfell!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
Kabedon the skeleton!!! Razzy doesn't get the appeal, so you explain it to him ;))
Cuddles of Doom - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
DOOMYYYYY!!! I love the dialogue here. Doomy is the most precious kitty ever and Papyrus is very cute.
Café - Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
Short and sweet!! (Lightly) tsundere Papyrus is very cute dfjkghkfjg <3
A Blue Valentine - Underswap!Sans/Reader - Oneshot
It's Valentines, and you're crushin'~ Both of them are soooooooo sweet in this.
You'd Be Goo Where You Stand - Sans/Reader - Oneshot
True to the title I am goo where I stand. I'm all gooey and gushy it's so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee. THEY'RE MARRIIIIIEDDDD,,,,, and there's a sequel??? SO cute.
First Meeting - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot
UF!Papyrus is a very worried parent and the reader is sweet as hell. I just think there's also something really funny about Papyrus calling Frisk a SLIPPERY SNAKE jkdhfjghfdg
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MISC. / OTHER
Full Deck - ? - Ongoing/Unfinished
Hysterical flip of every reader insert ever written. Can be simply summed up as "skeletons desperately dodging various reader's advances", but that is nowhere near close to describing this fic. It's really funny, and if you haven't read it, you should.
Not quite a /reader, so it goes here lolol. The reader is more something that happens to the skeletons.
No fin new about it - Bad Sanses||Nightmare's Gang&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
SUBNAUTICA AU!! With timeline fuckery! I just like big mer skeletons. And Subnautica. It's a real fun time.
Bits Of Spaghetti - Various&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
This fic treats bitties in a really interesting way!! Veryyy cool origins, and very interesting dynamics between characters. Reader is an old man, and he just kinda wants to make puppets and dolls and have a nice quiet life. Unfortunately, skeletons.
Don't give up, Y/n! - Various&Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
I do not have any kids but this fic makes me feel like a worried parent. It also makes me feel like I need to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. It's great, really. Just makes me so stressed. They're just a kid... definitely heed the tags for this one.
Down The Mountain, Under The Door - Underswap!Papyrus&Reader - Oneshot
Monsters are giant sized !! Or humans are tiny. Either way, Underswap Papyrus comforts the reader after accidentally spooking them pretty badly. I love myself some good ol' unintentional fearplay and intentional comfort.
The Bucket List - Various&Reader - Finished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
Hoo boy. The reader creates a bucket list, intending to die at the end. It's story about depression and recovery and it's really really good.
Heart on the Table - Ongoing/Unfinished
MADE ME CRYYY,,, Sans and Pap end up taking care of Frisk and honestly just go read it it's very sweet and sad and good. Frisk is just a kid!!!!!! AHHH
Broken Bones (and Sticks and Stones) - Finished
CRIES!!!!!! You know Handplates AU. I know Handplates AU. Featuring: extremely complex familial feelings!!!! Papyrus has a kid, and she is the SWEETEST. Another of my favorite fankids!! FLORAAAAAA <33
This of course, with Gaster being Gaster in this AU, makes everything even more complicated. It's really good and made me cry. Please read it. Papyrus is the best mom.
Jamais Vu - Oneshot
HGH... this one is like a punch to the gut but in a really good way. Both because of the absolutely incredible writing and also because it was the first Undertale fic that this author has posted since 2017, and gave me a scare when I opened my email.
Letters to a Friend - Oneshot
Another by the same author, but from 2016. My HEART?????? The King Papyrus ending always hurts me so... hhhrhhhhghjkdf,,
OH, I WAS BEING SARCASTIC - Finished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
It's more Papyrus Angst! This is just going to happen every time I do one of these, probably.
He would never take a vacation for any reason...
Sonata - Finished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
More Papyrus Angst. Sometimes a melody can say more than words.
Broken Trust (Re-upload) - Finished
What's this!! Even more angst?! You bet! It's Swap flavoured this time though.
Sans is not actually a monster, and Papyrus is horrified when he finds out. Very very good and sad, with a happy ending. Paps is not great in this, but he comes around :( I really really love the concept of this fic, and I think it was executed really well.
I'm Feeling Fine, Kid - Finished
[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]
Soooooooooooo fucked up but it's also like. one of the formative fics of my existence. I could've sworn this was in one of my other lists, but apparently not. Fucked me up big time back when I first read it sdjkhjhf, read this if you wanna hurt and then get tentatively put back together.
If you've read Flowey Is Not A Good Life Coach and you liked that, you might like this too. Lots of Papyrus Angst, but this one has even more Sans Angst!
Stones and a Glass House - Oneshot
[Warning: Contains Discussions of Explicit Content.]
Want a break from the sudden deluge of angst??? Try this, it's kinda a crackfic, and very funny.
Love when brothers get to tease each other mercilessly. They talk pretty candidly about explicit content, so heed the warning LMAO. Very very funny though.
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SANSCEST/PAPCEST
AH SURPRISE! I didn't want to make a whole new list since I have way less of these on hand, but I also really wanted to recommend them lol. If this ain't your thing, then this list ends here -u-)b
fox in the coop - Sanscest (Dust/Horror/Crop) - Ongoing/Unfinished
Ouuuhhhhh I am so unwell over this fic. It hurts so good. Hidden identity bullshit to the max!! I don't even know where to begin with this one, but it's fantastic, go read the summary at least. Dust is so normal about everything. Totally.
Also, Dust gets chickens!!
Colors - Papcest (Spicyhoney || Underfell!Papyrus/Underswap!Papyrus) - Ongoing/Unfinished
Ahhhhh language barriers my beloved. Falling in love despite language barriers my beloved!!!
It's got some real good drama and lovely lovely writing. I love it a whole lot :]]
VILLAIN HOTLINE - Sanscest (Bad Sans Poly) - Ongoing/Unfinished
Bad Sans Chatfic. Wait wait wait hear me out!!! COME BACK. THERES AN ACTUAL STORY.
The chatfic parts are pretty fun, and the developing horror plot even more so! Universes and people are glitching, which spells a bad time for everyone!!!
You Have One (1) Unread Message - Sanscest (Bad Sans Poly) - Ongoing/Unfinished
Similar to the one above, this fic has a similar concept (crack chatfic that devolves into plot and horror)
Genuinely quite terrifying, even when viewed through Killer's strange apathetic POV (which is ALSO fascinating in it's own right).
Little (NOT LITTLE) Red Riding Hood - Papcest (Spicyhoney) - Finished
Really fun twist on Little Red Riding Hood!! Red also gets to wear a frilly nightcap and nightgown in this, which is a fun image.
So You Didn't Want to Marry a Mage - Papcest (Spicyhoney + BG. Mapleblossom) - Ongoing/Unfinished
Ahhh I love fics where a character gets to learn magic from another character... this one is hella cute!!! I love a lot of this author's works but this one in particular is one of my favourites :>
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Did you have fun scrolling forever? I had fun putting this together.
There are a total of 90 fics here! I wanted to do 99 since it's the 999999999th anniversary of Undertale this year, but I'm tired so 90 will do. That's already so many. 90 in fact. Also my phone started to lag while scrolling so perhaps it's for the best.
If yall have any recs for ME, please drop them by my askbox, I (obviously) love reading jkshdgjkfh,,, I'm generally up for rereading stuff, so dw if you reckon I've read something before :]!!
Also, if you haven't already, you should check out my FIC REC MASTERLIST for previous (and future) fic rec lists (from me, specifically).
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pwurrz · 3 months
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being obsessed with yakumo is a job and baby i’ve never called in a sick day!!!!!
#nu carnival#yakumo ♡#you could not pay me to ramble this extensively about anything else#but yakumo’s trauma?? his childhood?? his growth?? his fears and insecurities and how they affect his current relationships??#his abandonment issues and jealousy and darker desires???#and how he’s so scared he’ll hurt others even though it’s far more likely he’ll be the one getting hurt??#how he’s not violent or scary at all but after years and years he’s been conditioned to think he is??#the significance of his relationship with eiden??#the significance of his ‘platonic’ relationships with the other clan members??#how important his grandparents were in raising him??#how his desperate want to hide his serpentine features and be ‘normal’ is a perfect allegory for autism??#the fact that he’s been treated horribly in the past and yet still chooses every day to be kind??#how he probably definitely has bpd??#the burden he has to carry just because of who his ancestor is??#the fact that it almost seems like what he does doesn’t matter because the actions of his ancestor will always be looming over him??#how he’s been hurt so many times both physically and emotionally and yet his heart is still so open to loving others??#how he has a tendency to push down his traumatic memories until he thinks they no longer affect him??#and how even when he’s suffering because of that trauma he would still rather suffer alone than bother someone and tell them??#how slowly but surely he’s unlearning all of the harmful ideas burned into him since his was a child??#and how he’s learning that people do love and care about him and he’s not a burden and he deserves love and care??#and that the serpentine traits he tries so desperately to hide aren’t as disgusting as he was meant to believe??#that his dark desires don’t define or control him and that it’s okay that he has them??#that just because he has them at all doesn’t make him a bad person???#why he makes soup for his loved ones so much!!!! yes that is important actually#i will sit and write about that for hours and hours for FREE#my favourite fictional character of all time he’s so so real#he’s so well written and his trauma and growth are handled with such care and consideration
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aromanticannibal · 3 months
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it's honestly so hard to explain that you care for someone you like without using the words love
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satans-knitwear · 5 months
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It has been 5 days and I have forgotten how to speak in my normal human voice.
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sharkneto · 2 months
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Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?
I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.
That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.
Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.
It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.
HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.
The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.
A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.
My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.
So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.
That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.
#my two favorite posts I've seen online that helped with my transition#are the one that said ''the time will pass anyway'' in response to learning a new skill and being bad at it in the beginning#and a response to the question ''how did you know you were trans?'' of ''i thought about it''#because i didn think about it! a lot! a lot a lot!#and the time does pass anyway#the cliche advice is ''cis people dont think about this stuff'' and its true#or if they do they conclude they're good where they're at and how they identify rather than twisting themselves in knots over being sure#only you can decide if you're ready to take the plunge and try hrt#i do recommend getting a therapist to talk it through with#especially the social side of transition because that is scary#even if you have people you know will accept and support you it still puts you in a very vulnerable postion and it takes courage#the therapist also helped me talk through a lot of my fears about if i was ugly on the other side of transition#and the answer to all the social fears is always ''it won't matter to the right people''#i already had the right people around me but if you don't you can find your right people#a thing i reminded myself a lot too is to give people a chance#to keep ourselves safe we assume the worst so we can brace ourselves for it - that we will not be accepted and will have to defend ourselve#but i kep reminding myself it was not fair to assume the worst of people - especially certain family members#so its good to prepare yourself for the worst - but you also have to give people a chance to surprise you#i was So Scared of telling my aunt and and grandma. they were the last people i told because i was so afraid#but i did and they were nothing but supportive#they don't get it. we aren't going to talk about it. but we dont need to - they're doing their best and i am loved#good luck on however you choose to do things and find your happiness#hrt#gender#ask response#boy stuff
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faunandfloraas · 8 months
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Full offense but fans who get to go to fanmeets or performances and get close enough to take pictures and then proceed to whitewash the boys or maybe even face app their features so a nose looks smaller or sharper, skin texture is non existant, etc etc. Are literally bastards to me. You don't deserve to be there.
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bunnihearted · 1 month
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꒰୨୧꒱
#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...#i've never even been in one and idk how they work & im so scared of many things#i have sm troubles and issues with touch. i've gotten to a place where i cant even stand my own sisters or mom bumping into me#and outside i cant stand when someone accidentally walks into me or touching someone's legs on the bus#i hate it. it's not only feeling uncomfortable i feel distressed and scared and sick#smth that seems very normal in like all couples is that youre 'allowed' to touch eo all thge time whenever#that scares me a lot. like touch is so scary for me. and when youre in a relationship theres just this silent agreement that you can touch#eo all the time and thats like... how it's supposed to be.... ://#thats so scary to me. that theres this expectation and demand that if im someones gf they should be allowed to touch me whnever#and like i've never been in love and been in a relationship and been touched by that person so idk#maybe it wouldnt be an issue. but just thinking that.. i dont belong completely to myself and therefore give up#the right to not be touched if and when i feel distressed or uneasy is too scary for me#maybe i could learn to feel safe with them and want their touch but rn it scares me skskks#what if they kiss me when im feeling extremely sex reoulsed and wanna kill myself bc of my inner agony#and they get hurt when i try to pull away?#bc regardless of what ppl say... it is a truth that in a relationship youre exoected to want physical touch at all times#and it is seen as an insult to your partner if there are other forces within u (like trauma etc) that makes u sometimes uncomfortable w it#but yeah idk... the problem is that... in humanity and society#consent is one of the least important and prioritized things. as a humanbeing living u will have your consent disregarded countless times#and for me personally consent is one of the most important things. & thats one of the reasons why its so hard for me to live in this society#like yes i do want to have a partner and touch and be touched#but what if we're in the store and im feeling particularly bad that day and feel like#i need to turn myself inside out and peel my skin off and feel anxious and scared#and they just casually grab my ass?? then i will go home and kill myself :) or have a breakdown in the store lol#i dont want to go thru this but i also dont wanna put someone else thru it#and like it would be different if they asked first if i was ok being touched and i said yes#and if i said no theyd respect me and not get hurt#but like be for real.... almost nobody does that. and almost everyone thinks thats lame#in most relationships nobody asks eo. youre expected to just always be ok with it. if u want to be asked youre silly and demanding#nobody asks their partner abt that. that just dont happen lmao. so idk. :((( i wish i was normal
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peppermintpegis · 10 months
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netflix one piece live action feels a little like fanfic in that it makes sure it hits all the important notes but doesnt do all the work to make them hit which works in fic where the reader is supposed to bring all the emotional story investment from the original but doesnt work in a multi million adaptation that is supposed to be able to stand on its own or even serve as an intro to the series. it even does this in service to have more koby and helmeppo gay moments in this essay i w
#one piece#opla#the fleshing out of koby and helmeppo is like honestly good its a beacon of light its truly really fun#and all the actors are great it is just what they are given .#they didnt let nami do any real betraying. they didnt even have her steal the merry!! she just stole the map that they added in!!!!#ddont get me started on the gutting of sanjis intro. i dont give a shit about if don krieg appears or not i need to see this guy fuckin#feed the hand thats about to kill him im going to start shaking like a dog.#im almost madder krieg appeared for just a little id rather have that time be used for. anything else really.#like have one of arlongs guys starved half to death when they get to arlong park!or idk anything! no gin appears look its gin! you know him#sanji doesnt even get to beat the shit out of a shitty guest. like i guess he does a little but it feels so blink and you miss it#+the first like two eps were good!! buggys great hes scary and weird and fun. i dont mind that he sticks around longer in theory#but the way he is comedic relief instead of basically every character having funny bits is like. ahghhhgggg. its a symptom of this really#mean and edgy feeling the whole thing has. like the removal of people missing usopps pirate calling :( and how cocoyashi didnt know#nami was working to help them. like p. please. can we have caring and bonds in this world?? trust and love???#anyway. sorry for having expectations of a netflix show im so close to putting this into a more proper form rather than tags. just to get i#all out of my system cause fuck man.#anyway solid 7/10 not as bad as it couldve been
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todayisafridaynight · 3 months
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Is that character gay? *points at Mine*
Allegedly.
#snap chats#depends on what day you check the wiki. schrodinger's homosexual#i couldnt FATHOM showing mine to my mom i know she'd be so annoying 😭😭😭#actually i cant even imagine what'd happen. 'is he gay' 'yeah' 'oh-' LIKE WHAT. WHAT NOW MOTHER WHAT HAVE YOU SAY TO THAT#like i think my mom asks that so much as a cope for my existence when i dont even like men mom As Per Usual mother you got it wrong#she's so weird because her. 'best work friend(? boss?)' is gay so she doesnt care about gay people she just doesnt like. me LMAO#but my moms selective hating aside i do wish i could show her characters i like#not because i want to bond with her but because it always seems funny when everyone else does it with their parents#but id just be too embarrassed ... or i can just imagine her saying like. every other chara is scary lookin. or ugly. liek my grandma did 💀#my sisters keep telling me to show her daigo since they think he looks like our dad and im always tempted to#god wait that just reminds me how when i did a daigo cosplay last year my dad saw me and he was like 'you're like a mini me :)'#like .... cmon dawg youre not helping LCKAEJLKCJAE love him. hope to see him again soon <- literally just saw him#wait while im rambling my dad came over and our 'uncle' (no actual relation just dad's friend) gave us. 12 fucking bottles of wine#when no one in this house drinks enough to warrant TWELVE BOTTLES ?? so funny. at least my sis and her husband drink#and i have one (1) friend who drinks LOL so thats cute. do i have any other unnecessary lore bits to drop before i disappear for a week#our ac broke and its been hot as balls. yeah thats it thats the end of it see you guys next week
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brittlebutch · 11 months
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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hella1975 · 2 years
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i have most of my friends on different life360 circles (if u don’t know it’s an app that effectively… tracks your friends? LMAO) but my favourite one is easily the one i have with my two ‘course friends’ and one thing we always do is whenever the ‘____ has 10% battery’ notification comes up we all fucking SPAM the option to tell them to charge their phone. like it’s the STUPIDEST joke but i find it so fucking funny i literally will not notice my battery dying until these two idiots start blowing up my phone with the same damn automated message it makes me smile every time especially bc the one girl finds it SO FUCKING ANNOYING she loses her rag every time it kills me
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#toronto maple leafs#HELLO EVERYBODY THIS HAS BEEN MONTHS!!! MONTHS IN THE MAKING BECAUSE i AM UNHINGED AND NEEDED THE PRECISE PICTURES THAT I KNEW I WOULD GET#like. seventy five percent of this has been done since the first time i posted this and while it has gotten better with time because#my narratives simply got more complex and there's so much of this that is For Me but don't worry i will explain but aLSO goddamn mitch coul#you have gotten married any later in the year. also willy you truly disappointed me by not getting an absurd haircut this year (now that#i've said this he's going to debut it on instagram like. tomorrow. but anyway that meant y'all got to enjoy my neuroses of#Loving Tyler Bertuzzi who is a goddamn leaf. the joys of having to wait to post this (was not a leaf at the time i started it) and anyway i#have at length i think had the breakdown about tyler in pigtails girl dad & how i got a bob & then tyler copied me which was rude. that's m#gender. ANYWAY starting from the top we got sheldon keefe documentation which was really just the personal decision that i wanted all the#coaching staff to be the markers in the poem/the bold & also at the TIME keefe hadn't re-signed &we thought it might be everybody out w/kyl#anyway the title of the scrap of an old lover's flannel is literally 'u think this is about sheldon & kyle NO it's about timothy liljegren'#bc. liljegren was on the marlies winning cup team & has had a contentious relationship w/keefe ever since & was healthy scratched in playof#& the narrative is sooooo. also at one point for the ryan o'reilly i was going to edit the stlb out of his grandma's shirt or cover it w/th#childhood dreams line but THEN i found the gio snapped stick one which was too perfect for 'crumbling copy' the ryan o'reilly To Me is so.#ur insane in ways u did not think for that one. like. how soft her hands were. his grandma you guys. he grew up a leafs fan. if he ever get#to lift the cup with her again i will lose my shit. the cup run a movie i remember nothing--OKAY the spezz one i knew i needed him stresse#but also i believe in the spezz/kyle narrative so. it comes up later don't worry ALSO SPEZZ FOLLOWING HIM TO PITT CAME AFTER I MADE THIS bu#the muzz tea one makes me a little sensy bc muzz was out with an injury for most of this season & it was a really scary spinal one & so yea#& then the simmer one just straight up makes me cry bc i love him so much & the work that he does for anti-racism in hockey means so much &#if you have that video open & watch it i promise you will cry i do every time it's so beautiful he had to be on comforted by beauty & sammy#boy is on the a man who doesn't know me because EYE remember the caps goalie tandems. baby lilya. the mo one is a little funny bc it is#solely due to wade's thread about mo rielly the coal miner homestead husband. that's why he moves to omaha also i think it suits him (quiet#OK NOW OLD MEN IN LOVE NARRATIVE this one's in contention for my fave bc it's spezz coping w/retirement fundamental meaningless of existenc#u heard abt tyler already that's for me the minchy picture was just too good i had found it earlier & i spent SO LONG looking for an empty#leafs rink picture for bathtub i have some cool construction photos but i wanted the melting ice ones (thought about tahoe lol) & the sprin#one i manip'd a lot bc i needed a spring picture bc playoffs clinch in spring & that one fit so coincidentally perfect bc it's 7 straight#seasons 7 guys so. :) & i KNEW i swore to god they did more milk advertising i knew i was gonna do this one from the minute i saw the poem#the milk patch & it took a hot minute BUT I FOUND THIS ONE this one's for funsies. AND THE PIC I WAITED SO FUCKING LONG FOR this is actuall#from kerf's wedding but i was like i know on god mitch is getting married this summer & that's about to be the drunkest shenanigans wedding#i'm waiting for the pics. & then i was BLESSED with this one which is beautiful & perfect & LOOK AT THEM. anyway the last one is bc
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myonmukyuu · 2 years
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marker practice ayumu
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milflewis · 7 months
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#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
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