#love my dupes and none of us should feel like the other person. and no one should feel like theyre shipping fodder either. i dont want that

[wypapichulo]

𝟕 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬.

pairing ; lee donghyuck x reader genre ; fluff, very very slight angst / high school au word count ; 5010 words warnings ; some explicit language? the use of the word 'shit' a few times? playlist ; dive into you – nct dream | walk you home – nct dream | best friend – rex orange county | anti-romantic – txt | can't take my eyes off you – frankie valli | backyard boy – claire rosinkranz author's note ; i hope the ending doesn't sound too rushed,, aah i just lost the vibe and wanted to get it done ;,, i hope it's alright🚶 dt ; @matchaeee <3

Making someone you don't know fall for you would have been easier. Making your best friend fall in love with you? A little bit more of a hassle But not unless they've been in love with you from the start.

“I can make her fall in love with me in 7 days”

Haechan had said this whilst he was sitting on the sidewalk in front of the small convenience store beside an exasperated looking Jeno. “Hyuck, I’m pretty sure you can’t.”, “No I’m confident!” He continued, sipping his carbonated drink and cutting Jeno off as he spoke, “Look– I know her inside and out, I’m sure I know just the right tricks to make her fall for me!”

Jeno sighed slightly, knowing it was no use to force Haechan to listen to him. “You shouldn’t play with feelings like this…” He started, taking a sip of his own soda, “Can’t you just tell her you like her like a normal person–“, “you’re seriously no fun.” Jeno deadpanned at the statement, hand ready to reach for the brunets to pull his fingers back, “I just wanna see if she really likes me back for real!” he said, hands fidgeting with the rim of the soda can, “I don’t know, what if she doesn’t like me and rejects me when I ask her!”

“So the only logical way to fix that is by ‘making her fall in love with you in seven days’?!” Jeno exclaimed, nearly in tears at his own friend’s stupidity. Haechan grinned, “well if she doesn’t like me yet, she’ll definitely like me by the end of this.”

“I’m going to forget about him in the next 7 days.”

Renjun looked up in surprise at the girl’s statement, never having thought of the day she’d finally say it.

“You won’t.” He stated simply, continuing to sketch the tree outside the window of her room. She whined slightly, turning her attention to the boy in her room, “and what makes you say that?”

“You said that two years ago.”, “I was younger then!”, “Sure you were.”

She groaned, falling back on her bed with a thud, “I need to try… this one-sided shit is getting to me…”

Turning to look at the heap of sadness on the bed, Renjun sighed quietly. “I definitely won’t question you if you tell me you’re still in love with him by the end of it.”

“I’m only trying right?”

DAY 1

“How you doin’ gorgeous~”

To say she was shocked was an understatement. What?

“What do you want Hyuck.” She asked with a deadpan, staring down at the blank page of her notebook. Her plan was to study but it seemed as if the man duped as her best friend had other ideas. “I don’t want anything! Can’t I say nice things about you?” He said, taking the seat across from her.

The library was quiet, save for the few students chattering mutedly by the computers. The whole day Haechan had been fine– normal, so to speak… He sat next to her as usual during lunch–as they barely shared any classes this school year–and joked around for a bit, he stole the milk that she had painstakingly waited behind a line of first years to buy, giving her a presumably empty promise that he’d buy her another one… but then he came in the library and said that?

“You’ve never called me that before,” she scoffed, “and if you have, I’d remember.”

Of course she would. Somehow every compliment he had given her always stuck in her mind, even the few ingenuine ones that came out as jokes. The time he called her quick witted when she replied to one of his jokes, the time he said she was pretty good at math’s when she had explained to him how to find an axis… And of course there was the time he had exclaimed how she was prettier than the girl she had been talking shit about… not one of her best feats but... it was something.

So to have him call her gorgeous, even if it was just as a passing nickname… it was something that made her cheeks burn when she remembered his exact wording of the sentence.

“Well that doesn’t matter does it?” he said, leaning over the table to read through the same passage as she had been going through for the last hour, trying to fit anything and everything in her head. “Are you having trouble with anything?”

“Nothing you can help me with.” She scoffed, turning a page. “Aw, come on, don’t say that!” he laughed aloud, earning him an abundance of shushes from the few students scattered around the area. “I’m sure I, with my great expertise, can help you in some way with–“ he looked down at the chapter’s name, “intercontinental… exchange… what the hell is this–“

She laughed lightly at his confusion, “It’s economics,” she smiled, making his heart race with anticipation for some unknown reason, “you won’t get it.”

“Well maybe if you taught me, I’d understand.” He chuckled softly, sitting properly once more and sighing as he stared at the soft curve of her lips. She blushed lightly, realizing the direction of his eyes and looking back down to her book.

Barely the first day and she was already smitten once more with him… she wondered if she’d ever manage to escape from the trap that was Lee Donghyuck.

DAY 2

Closing her locker up, she nearly went into cardiac arrest as she saw none other than Haechan leaning on the locker right beside hers.

“Donghyuck! You almost gave me a heart attack!” she exclaimed, heart pounding at a thousand beats per second… or not– maybe she was just exaggerating…

He smirked, an image that had always and forever will be engraved into the crevices of her mind. “I hope that’s a good thing?”

She merely rolled her eyes at him, shoving her textbook into her backpack. “no.” she stated with a deadpan, turning to walk away. “Wait uppp!” he whined, following along behind the exasperated girl. If Jeno was tired of him, then she was something else entirely. How she managed to keep up with the outgoing boy was a mystery even to herself.

“Are you busy this weekend?” he asked as he caught up with her and took long steps to follow along with her short quick paces, “I was thinking maybe we could go to that new café that just opened– you know, the library one?”

She kept on walking, but her pace slowed significantly. A small tell to her interest in the subject. He smiled.

“You don’t even like reading much.” She said with a chuckle, “why’d you wanna go there?” She asked softly glancing up at him. “Well… you like reading… so–“ he shrugged slightly “–I thought you’d enjoy it…”

See this was the thing about him. Whenever she had made a commitment to stop thinking about him–leave her feelings for him in the dust–he’d always come back strong, making her feel as if he never wanted her to stop liking him. But what could she do? It seemed as if he never had the slightest interest in being anything other than friends.

She smiled softly, sighing as she opened her mouth to give out a small, “alright.” As her answer to his invitation.

“Great! It’s a date!”

The four words stopped her in her tracks between the horde of students walking to and from to get to their classes.

He only grinned, turning to face her as he walked backwards. “I’ll see you after class!”

She was frozen in place it seemed. Blinking as she watched the retreating back of the boy who had… just asked her out?

Again, confusion had begun to settle in. Was this ‘date’ meant to be a romantic date? Or just– one where they hung out as friends and had coffee?

In her confusion, she had forgotten to ask him about the exact day of which their little ‘date’ was supposed to be on… but she was sure he’d text her everything she needed to know about it, right down to the dress code.

Retracing her thoughts, maybe she was wrong… this might have been the first time he’d ever shown any interest in being anything more than friends… And to be quite honest, it may or may not have scared her…

What would she do if it turned out he really had feelings for her…? DAY 3

“I thought you said you were going to stop liking him.”

She had found Renjun in the art room as per usual, painting away at whatever his heart had decided to explore. The golden particles drifted in from the late afternoon sun as she had just finished up her own after school activity. “I want to… But he’s making it so hard!” she exclaimed, sitting on a table to the side at the back of the room.

Renjun was somehow her only sane friend, and even so, he preferred to stay out of her messy love life with the undeniably annoying Haechan. Not to mention that he couldn’t even talk to Haechan without bursting a nerve. “I don’t understand how you don’t see how annoying the boy is.” He said nonchalantly as he continued to mix and match an array of greens to the trees he had started on. “Just thinking of that should be enough to stir you away from him.”

Sighing in aggravation to her situation, she sticked out her tongue at the back of his head. “I saw that.” He stated, barely even looking up from his canvas. “’course you did…” she grumbled lowly, pouting and looking out of the window.

“That’s just the thing…” she started, her tone soft and her eyes unfocused, “he’s not… annoying…”

Renjun scoffed aloud, nearly keeling over in laughter. “Are you sure about that?” He said in between his dying giggles, turning to finally look at the girl who was now looking at him with an unamused look. “Shut up– you know what I mean!” she cried out in annoyance. He made a face, turning back to his painting and continuing to work on the piece. “Really, when you get to know him– he’s more than that!” she tilted her head back to rest on the cool wall of the classroom.

“Today he actually got me the milk I wanted…” she muttered softly, “It’s not much of course… but…”

“You said the other day that you had to wait a long time to get the milk cause of those underclassmen, so– y’know– I got it for you.”

“But it’s enough for you to stay deeply in love with him isn’t it.” Renjun sighed, knowing that she would start yelling as soon as the thought sunk in her head.

To his surprise, she didn’t. She simply sat in thought in the back of the class, watching as Renjun shrugged and continued with his painting. She mulled it over, what he said, and came to the personal conclusion that he in fact was right. It was no use in fighting the feeling. She really did care for him… a little afraid to say love– but she cared for him immensely nonetheless.

She got off the table and walked towards where Renjun sat with his canvas and patted his shoulder lightly.

“Thanks Renjunnie.”

“I told you not to call me that… makes me sound like a child...” He murmured, rolling his eyes before continuing, “what are you even thanking me for anyways? I didn’t do anything. The feelings were there the whole time.”

Her lips turned up slightly, and she hummed softly before walking towards the door.

“You did more than you think.” She said, turning to look at him once more as she opened the door. He merely looked at her in puzzlement, not understanding just how he had helped her in her quest of love. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”

“Yeah… see you…” he muttered quietly, his eyebrows still furrowed in confusion, before shaking his head as the door fell shut.

“Why are all my friends so weird…”

DAY 4

The living room of her house was spacious.

Very much so that she wondered why it felt as if she couldn’t even get a distance away from the clingy boy.

Haechan had come over to help her with some of her class work she was struggling with, and truly, she couldn’t thank him enough for the help… but why did he have to sit so close to her?

He had been reading a passage out to her from the book, shoulders brushing ever so slightly against one another, causing her cheeks to flare with heat. Every single move he made seemed to make her tense up all the more.

She was never like this! Each time they had studied together, even as much as she liked him, it never caused her to blush or fidget as much as she was doing now.

Maybe it was the effect of realizing that he might like her after all… The last three days were such an improvement in that area of their relationship that it made her wonder if he actually had liked her all along and just decided to showcase it all now.

“And that’s why the tectonic pressure in this area is much larger than here.” He explained– arm stretching slightly over her to point at an image on the book. For some unknown reason, she had held her breath ever so slightly as to maybe become stone in the next few seconds. He turned to look at her– their faces not too far from one another, and it was like time had stopped right in that moment, just to make her realize how much trouble she was in by falling for this forsaken boy. She could feel her face redden to the deep color of the roses on the front porch of her house, and suddenly, all she wanted to do was melt into a puddle right there and then.

Oddly enough, he seemed to be reactionless. It was as if the proximity of their faces had absolutely no effect on his own heart, bringing up the question in her mind once more whether he actually held any feelings for her other than the simple platonic ones.

“You weren’t paying attention were you?”

Her eyebrows raised to her hairline, quite literally, at the accusing statement he had thrown upon her. “I– Hey! I was listening!”

Suddenly every single feeling of embarrassment left her body as she pushed him playfully, as a means to get away from him as well. He yelped aloud, his back hitting the couch. “You weren’t!” he called out, a smile beginning to grow on the edges of his lips, “I can tell when you’re listening and when you’re not! And here, you were clearly not!”

She laughed loudly, throwing her head back as she did so. It had been ages since she had laughed so freely, and Haechan soaked up every single moment of it. His smile softened as he watched she tips of her eyes crinkle up and turn into crescents– the sound of her laughter as melodious as his own favorite song. In the moment, he wished so dearly he could just reach over and kiss her face all over, his heard filling up with affection he wished to shower her with.

Her laughter died down and she simply turned to look at him with a look in her eyes that he couldn’t quite place. “I really haven’t laughed that much in a while…” she said softly, watching as he nodded in listening. “I can tell.”

She giggled lightly once more. “Should we go back to studying?” she asked, a teasing smile gracing her features, to which he merely scoffed and laughed at.

“Only if you’ll listen properly this time.”

Another 3 days to go. If he was able to successfully make her fall for him, he’d be able to do all he wanted and more. DAY 5

So maybe accepting a walk home from the person you’re trying to forget about isn’t the best strategy to go with… but– in defense, Haechan had been more the one to tag along home, rather than ask her if she wanted anyone to walk her.

She had gotten used to it… but with the antics of the past week and the upcoming date on the Sunday (Yes he had given her all the information the night before. Yes he sent her every available picture there was of the place. Yes he was very excited and honestly, so was she.), who wouldn’t?

As Saturday was a day where she and the rest of the ’00 liners’–as they all preferred to call themselves (though their whole school year was the ’00 line’ so honestly that nickname was rather stupid)–usually had a game night at either Jeno or Jaemin’s house, both she and Haechan had settled on going to the cute little library-esque café on the Sunday.

The whole way home, Haechan couldn’t help but stare softly as she recounted the events of the day. Again, being in different classes had its perks, as there was always something new to tell each other about.

Every step he took felt heavier. He knew they both were getting closer to her house– every time he saw a bench on the side of the street his instinct would tell him to sit down with her and just talk for longer, wanting to keep all her minutes for himself selfishly.

“So that’s why she was kicked out of the class today– I honestly can’t believe she had the nerve to pull that off!” laughing slightly, she turned to face Haechan, “I’m sure you’d do some stupid shit like that too.”

Haechan snapped out of his short daze if not to cry out words of denial, causing her to laugh even louder at his insistence that he would not blend and eat drink his homework just to get extra time on a project.

“After all, I’m not stupid– I don’t need extra project time since I’m just that smart!” He huffed, glancing to the girl beside him to see if he had gauged a reaction out of her. To his delight, she laughed once more, letting him relish in her melodic laughter. “you’re really full of yourself you know?”

This erupted another fit of laughter and denial to spurt from the two, pitter patting home for the day. “I’m not full of myself! I’m just confident!”, “same difference, Hyuck.” She said between breaths as her laughter finally died down.

He merely huffed and pouted­– turning to the side and glancing at her a few times to gain her remorse for her mean words ; it clearly didn’t work as all she did was giggle softly and shook her head.

The brush of the back of their hands made his heart pound faster. He glanced down to look and there it was, the soft hand he wanted to hold in his so much. He looked back up in a panic– noticing that they were getting closer to her house.

Unknown to him, her heart was just as heavy at the thought of having to part with him for the day. Though she knew tomorrow would be another day that would definitely be spent with him, it made her sorrowful to think of the fact that they’d have to be apart for the night. Cheesy as it may seem.

As they stood in front of the pathway up to her front door, he debated internally on whether or not he should do what he wanted to do or not, his head spinning at the thought of her maybe thinking he was an idiot for what he was about to do. She smiled up at him, a silent goodbye being exchanged between them, before turning around to walk up the pavement to her house.

“(Y/N)!”

Her feet stopped, and in turn, so did her heart. In a good way, of course, but it stopped nonetheless. She stayed silent for a moment before turning to face the brunet once more. “Yeah?” she asked quietly, a soft smile present on her features.

His mouth dried up. He had nothing to say– stupid! Why did he stop her like that then?

“I– Uh…” he faltered in his words; eyes still stuck on her face. Lips, to be specific.

She tilted her head slightly in question, wondering what was going through that enigma of a mind everyone called Haechan. “Hyuck?”

He smiled and shook his head, opting to grin at her like the idiot in love he was. “Until we meet again tomorrow~” he said in a mock posh accent which made her giggle lightly behind her hand. She merely shook her head and turned once more, walking up to her front door and opening it slowly, turning to give him one last smile before she closed the door.

There he stood like a lovestruck fool in the middle of her driveway as he watched her back turn as she finally walked into the house.

“I wish I had the courage to give you that hug…” DAY 6

Jeno’s house was the choice of the week, Haechan and Jaemin having pestered him into agreement over where they’d all be bundling into for the afternoon.

“I really don’t see why it should have to be my house!” Jeno whined as he stepped into the living room with snacks in hand, “It was already my house last week! It should be nana’s this week…” he trailed off, grumbling as he stepped over the legs of a serious Haechan and sat between the sole girl in their group and Jaemin on the floor. Jaemin laughed aloud, “you have the comfiest sofa!” he hollered out, earning him a kick from Renjun, who’s legs he was sitting in between.

“You’re not even sitting on the sofa,” Renjun retaliated for Jeno, cutting him some slack, “you’re leaning on my legs.”

“Well they sure are comfy if that’s what you’re implying.” Jaemin said, pressing at the buttons erratically as he flurried to beat Haechan at what seemed to be a simple game of mario kart. Hey, anything to beat Haechan right?

“DAMN!” Haechan yelled, causing the girl seated beside him to jump slightly in her seat. Jaemin only laughed, leaning his head up to look at an unimpressed Renjun.

“Hyuck give me the controller, I’m gonna beat Jaemin.” Renjun said with some form of courage to beat the one and only Nana. “Sure you are,” he said, standing up and handing the controller over to Renjun. “Anymore soda anyone?” he asked, stepping to the side to head over to the kitchen. “I’ll have a soda!”, “alrighty! One soda coming right up!” Haechan called out, turning right out to the kitchen.

“I’m gonna run out of sodas at the rate you’re drinking them…” Jeno murmured to her softly, a giggle erupting out of her lips, “fine then– I’ll have a cup of tea instead, ‘s that better?” she asked softly, smiling at the black-haired boy beside her. Jeno smiled back, his eyes disappearing behind his perfect crescents, “I’ll go get you some then.” He said, standing up from his seat to get her some tea.

Walking into the kitchen, he tutted lightly as he found Haechan going through his fridge. “And what if my mom was the one who had walked in?” Jeno stated with a deadpan, rolling his eyes at the idiotic grin his friend gave him. “First off– she’s not home. Second off– your mom loves me!” Haechan exclaimed, closing the fridge behind him after finding nothing of his interest. He picked up the sodas on the counter– before Jeno stopped him. “She changed her mind on the sodas, said she’d have tea instead.” He explained, moving to the cabinets to take out some tea to brew for her, to which Haechan simply hummed in understanding before cracking one of the soda cans open and sipping it.

“So…” Jeno started, turning to face him as he leaned on the counter behind him, “how’s the love quest?” He queried, wondering about his best friends own pursuit of love. “Is she ‘in love’ with you yet?”

Haechan shrugged slightly, “I sure hope she is… if not then I’m not sure what I’m gonna do tomorrow…”

“Why… What’s tomorrow?” Jeno questioned again, tilting his head in confusion. In Haechan’s mind… he looked rather like a lost puppy…

“Date.” The only word that came out of Haechan’s mouth as he stared with a smirk on his face to the boy standing opposite him.

Jeno’s eyes widened significantly, “Date? You mean you asked her out successfully?”

Haechan grinned, “Of course I did!”, he boasted smugly, “only a fool wouldn’t be able to make her fall in love! Especially with the shitty dudes she’s liked before.”

Jeno looked up in glee, “then– after that– my days of hell are over! I won’t have to listen to your lamenting again!” He whined when Jeno exclaimed that, shaking his head, “I wasn’t lamenting, you were the one who complained about my topic of conversation–“ he paused, rolling his eyes at the grinning puppy-like boy.

“Alright fine maybe I was,” he agreed begrudgingly, “But hey! I managed to make her fall in love with me AND score a date in 7 days! My lamenting wasn’t for nothing after all!”

Their shared laughter was cut short by the sound of the slamming of the front door and the cries of both Renjun and Jaemin. Haechan looked up worriedly at Jeno, who in turn gestured him to the kitchen exit.

“what’s wrong?” Haechan asked once he reached by the front door beside the other two boys. “You!” Renjun seethed, turning to glare at the brunet, “She was already trying to forget about you and now you play with her feelings like this!”

Furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, Haechan scoffed, “I never played her like shit! I was always honest!”, “Then tell me what this stupid 7 day bet is all about!” Renjun yelled in his face, angry for his best friend who had muffled out in tears the short reason she was leaving so early.

“Bet?” he questioned, truly confused as to the entirety of the situation, “what fucking bet?”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “Don’t play stupid Donghyuck. You were talking to Jeno about some 7 day bet to get her to like you or something–”, “wait, this is all wrong!” Jeno exclaimed, “We never made a bet! Hyuck wanted to confess to her at the end of the week, and that’s why the whole week he had been making proper advances to her…”

The room stilled as the clarity of the situation which was misunderstood settled into their heads.

“I need to talk to (Y/N).” DAY 7

Checking her phone, she grumbled slightly, rereading the message that Haechan had sent to her the evening prior, or rather, spammed her endlessly.

hyuck ♡ : please come tomorrow.

hyuck ♡ : i really really have to talk to you about this :((

hyuck ♡ : please please please

hyuck ♡ : I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come :(((

hyuck ♡ : please? At least consider it?

Sighing quietly as she scrolled through the abundance of messages of theirs from previous sleepless nights, she jumped when she heard the call of the voice she had cried herself to sleep over the night before. Oh his treacherous voice, hurting her feelings like that with the words that came out of his wretched mouth yesterday.

“(Y/N)!” he said, jogging up to her with a grin spread on his face, almost as if yesterday had been a dream and she had simply hallucinated the entire event. But she knew better than to believe him that fast.

Giving him a curt nod, she spoke up before anything could leave his mouth– “Tell me, Donghyuck, what happened yesterday?” she started, face hard with the cut still deep in her heart. His smile faltered, realizing just how much his words had hurt her feelings the day before.

“Do you take my feelings as a joke?” she asked again, looking to her feet in fear of her eyes betraying her and leaving tear stains across her cheeks, “because if you do then i–“

“No!” he cut, knowing that if he let this go on for longer it would only hurt her more, “No, I’d never!”

She was quiet, listening to the sound of his ragged breathing, almost as if the quietness would let her hear the sound of his heartbeat.

“Then what… what…”

He sighed softly, “I was… scared.”

Looking up, she was met with the troubled face of the person she once thought to be the largest of mysteries. “I didn’t want to be faced with rejection, I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you, as a friend or as…” he cleared his throat slightly, turning to the side, “as something more.”

The tension was thick, the street around them continuing on its route of life whilst they both stood in their own quiet bubble. Her eyes softened at his statement, the pieces of the puzzle which was Haechan starting to become clearer by every word.

“And you thought the most logical way to go, was to ‘make me fall in love with you in seven days’? come on Hyuck we’re not in some stupid romance movie–“, Haechan’s whine cut her voice short, “You sound just like Jeno now!” he cried, making her laugh softly, before stepping forward to take his hand in hers.

He looked down at their intertwined hands and looked right back up at her questioningly. “what…”

“If you liked me, you really should have just said so…” she muttered softly, shaking her head with a slight giggle, “If you did, it definitely would have saved us 7 days.”

He grinned widely, “so this… makes us boyfriend and girlfriend now, right?” he asked, grin turning into a teasing smirk on his face, making the girl before him scoff and laugh.

“We’ll see in 7 days.”

[gra-sonas]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Was the year time jump because of the pandemic? To sidestep making that too central to the plot, or was that always the plan?

JEANINE MASON: That was always our intention and it was just sort of a saving grace in that way. We also don't acknowledge the pandemic in real-time on our show. There are no masks and that was just so wonderful just to get work in that way and have that time where it was a little more normal. Also, that's just our show — we want you to come to us the way you always do, which is for nineties nostalgia, sexy Cowboys, brilliant scientists, you know? CHRIS HOLLIER: So we wanted to drop our characters in a year later, let them stew in their individual decisions that were made last season. We want everyone to root for our poster couple but we want to honor what happens in real life, which is sometimes you step away from that person, even if you are entwined with them in a very particular way. So we wanted it to be a real enough time and distance so that they could live a little life on their own.

With showrunner Carina Adly MacKenzie departing at the end of season 2, has much changed? Or are you still working with ideas she had in place?'

HOLLIER: It's a little bit of both. There are things that Carina and I built that live all the way through and then once the story got up on its feet, discoveries were made with our new crop of people that we were like, "Oh, we're going to bend it this other way."

Jeanine, how is Liz doing in her new life in L.A. when we pick up this season?

MASON: Well, it's been a year and at this point, her life is actually pretty great. She just hasn't taken a second to acknowledge that. She's doing what she does best, which is just full head in her work and trying to figure out what she could use of her discoveries and her brilliance to save Maria. She has a great job, a really nice place, and an awesome partner at work who is a good time and a real match for her in terms of intellect and ambition. He begins to ask her to recognize that and to maybe give something a chance that she's been reluctant to because of how drawn she is to Roswell and to Max. It's a fun first episode. It's sexy. It's fun to find opportunities for her. She's our hero so she's got a lot on her shoulders and anytime where we can find levity for her is always a real treat for the writers and for me.

And no Crashdown waitress uniform must be nice?

MASON: Honestly, I miss it quite a lot right now. I have a note in my notes with Chris, I'm like, "I gotta tell him we gotta find him more opportunities for it."

Should Liz and Max shippers be worried about them finding their way back to one another after he destroyed her work and didn't follow her to L.A.? Should we resign ourselves to a season apart?

MASON: This season really is about these characters having themselves mirrored to each other. Max and Liz need some growing and ultimately they can't do anything but be orbiting each other. We found so many opportunities to have such a beautiful language around the cosmic element of their connection. They're asking, "Is this our decision, or are we just acting off of a decision that the cosmos made for us?" It was so fun to navigate that. I always have such a good time with Chris Hollier and with Nathan Dean, just finding the little tiny notches, a tiny bit of movement towards where they're going next. I really loved following them. It's my favorite Max and Liz season to date.

HOLLIER: It's not a season apart. I'll tease that they, in an unexpected way, end up in front of each other relatively soon. But it's really about when am I ready? And what does it mean to talk to my ex? When someone makes such a big influence in your life, when do you know it's over and when do you know you should fight again? We tried to give them real grown-up lives.

Steven Krueger (The Originals) also joined the cast as Heath this season. What can you tease about his character?

HOLLIER: He's just an awesome human being. I know him from The Originals and we were like, "If we're going to have to be stuck with people in the desert, who do we want?" You want to be stuck with a handsome and lovely and charming Steven Krueger. So really this was looking at, "Well, what did Liz want and what does it look like when you start to give Liz versions of what she wants?" Heath is somebody that is beyond being just a lovely person, he is smart and wants to advance science and that's appealing to Liz. It becomes, "What does it look like when the man that I hang around with all day is also into the same things that I am?" MASON: I love him. Heath is just such a fun, whip-smart, fantastic character. His humor was so fun. We've been having a good time with kicking the humor up really through season two and in season three, we just took it up another notch. There are some moments that are like, "Is this a drama or is it a sitcom?" Looking back on it, he was such a fun partner to spar with. They're both such intellectual characters and I love that there's a real meeting of the minds. It makes it competitive and sexy. I know a lot of fans are so excited because they know him from The Originals and he's going to be a great addition.

Technically, Mr. Jones is a new character too. Can you tell us anything at all about him?

HOLLIER: I'd say he's a new character — and a fully-fleshed interesting new character. Mr. Jones has an awesome beard. At some point, he might lose that beard. A lot of people are asking me, "Is Jones good or bad?" And what I would argue is that's a perspective based upon who you are in the conversation that you're having with him. He knows a lot about our heroes' story and he knows a lot about home. He'll be able to answer questions for them. This season our heroes will get to learn why they ended up here on earth. One of the things I think that people will love is that they're going to get to see that home planet this year. We asked ourselves a lot about this whole season, "What have we set up for the past two?" We look at these first three seasons almost like a trilogy so a lot of things are going to be paid off.

Has Nathan enjoyed pulling double duty this season? Or is he just exhausted?

MASON: He's exhausted, but he's such a champ. That really is the beginning of this mirroring thing that starts with Max and Jones with him actually getting to look at himself to a degree and those questions that come up. The self-analysis that it provokes in him is really the beginning of what is happening to all of our characters this year; everybody's being confronted with themselves. I loved that the Max/Jones of it was also a real sci-fi element.

Did he really grow that beard or was that not possible if he had to go between the two characters?

MASON: That was a prosthetic beard and our makeup team killed it. He was not accustomed to early mornings, which, of course, all of us babes are. It was a lot of extra time in the chair for him.

Can Jones dupe Liz into thinking he's actually Max since she doesn't know he exists?

MASON: You're totally on to something. It's a real and pressing threat. I mean, she's totally in the dark and he looks like her cosmic lover!

HOLLIER: What I will say is that, Liz — beyond her being number one on the call sheet — is integral to this story in a way that she and none of our characters are going to perceive when they start episode one. We're bringing [the characters] to a new crossroads moment in their lives and they're getting, through Jones, a mirror into their own lives to decide what they're going to become next.

How's Rosa (Amber Midthunder) doing this season?

MASON: By the end of season two, Rosa really makes the decision to start taking care of herself. She really becomes an incredible asset to the Scooby-Doo gang. It's something that Liz is in constant adjustment to. As much as she's the younger sister, she feels very protective of her sister and Liz has had to make adjustments in her trust and faith in Rosa. I loved it because it just felt like a real personal, authentic thing that sisters would go through, but also that Hispanic sisters would go through. I think we sometimes, culturally, have a tendency to baby our women — maybe that's the wrong word — but just to underestimate their physical ability and what they might take on, and sort of 'queen' our women in a way where we treat them tenderly. I hate that. I'm a tough bitch and so is Rosa. So Liz has to confront that and go, "I'm an idiot to underestimate you. You've done nothing but prove me wrong."

What about Maria and her visions?

HOLLIER: This year I think Maria has the most complete arc of any season, as she recognizes things about herself that cause more questions about who she is, who her family is, how she's linked to this story. We dive into it in the present-day and we dive deliciously back in time too.

In the exclusive clip above we see her have a vision of a funeral, can you tease anything about who potentially might be about to die?

HOLLIER: Maria is front and center in driving the first half of the mystery for us. She's burdened with trying to figure out whose death she is seeing. It takes a few episodes to unravel and we use it to ask, is this linked to our supernatural stories or real-world stories that are going on politically? Is it bad luck? Is it herself? There's a whole gambit at play. We joke that we solved a past murder, now we're going to try to stop one.

Can Malex (Michael and Alex) shippers have hope that this might finally be their time?

HOLLIER: What I would say is that I think that Malex fans are really going to dig this journey. We, as writers, put them at the same level of importance as Max and Liz. So we wanted to really honor the next step in what they may or may not be. How did they grow up and how did they have those hard conversations just like Liz and Max are going to have?

Is Isobel going to continue to date women this season?

HOLLIER: Isobel is going to go on a more personal journey. You got to love yourself before you can love someone else. We lean into those possibilities by the end of who she might love. It's not something that is dropped all season — it is something that you'll see. We play some romantic comedy stuff with her character this year and with Maria that I think fans are gonna dig. There's a lot going on in the world and wanted to pump some humor and hope into it.

Will see more of Liz fighting to challenge the perception of the Latinx community?

MASON: I think that just by nature of it being one of such few shows that are led by a Latin woman, it's always going to be, to an extent, a protest or an assertion of the space that I get to fill and that Liz Ortecho gets to fill on network TV. I was really excited to just have Chris as a collaborator. Over our hiatus, before the season started, I was doing a lot of reading. I chronicled the books that play into Liz every season on my Instagram. I was reading some Sonia Sotomayor. Her book is just incredible. I was texting him screenshots of pages of the book with things underlined. Ten episodes deep into season 3, he's like, "Remember that page you sent me?" He's a real dream collaborator. I loved him for that. A pressing struggle for people of color is going through the ranks in these big corporations and then sometimes coming to find out that those corporations are purporting to support marginalized groups but actually aren't following through. So how do you, as someone who's having your success, your dreams become reality, navigate supporting the company and giving so much of your intelligence and your work — that they often legally own, especially with science — to a company that isn't going to be for your people?

Roswell, New Mexico returns Monday at 8 p.m. on The CW.

[dangermousie]

CFC 179

1. XQC is relieved because it looks like his fam met another victim of the evil org so Weis might not be involved but to know something which made evil rg antsy enough to kill both her and XQC’s parents, Weis were likely to be involved in the org. Sure if could have been just the Mengs, but not only is it narratively less exciting to have a fam we never heard of before to be the linchpin, but also Weis (who used to run a pharmacy!) and Mengs are still buddy-buddy and if they were all innocent dupes, it is much less likely they’d be copacetic with someone who remarried three months after their fam member, his wife, tragically died. I mean, for XX’s sake I hope XQC is correct but I have my doubts.

2. XQC being run down and making the dish his mother used to make because she told him it helps health and even if he knows it does not, the psychological comfort helps so much. Oooooh, you know the thing with Meatbun? I know it’s going to be a happy ending, but it never fully fixes things - how can it, the past is the past and can never be truly expunged, not even in a novel with literal time travel like 2ha, let alone this. Present happiness, of which I hope XQC will have plenty, cannot return his lost too soon childhood.

3. I am super sure He daddy is full of obedient water. We get symptoms listed for a reason.

4. Whatever is going on at the Hes is freaking me out. Also, I love other people noticing how fucked up they are, but don’t explain away why He Yu didn’t even show at the cops so easily, XQC - I know he’s desperate not to interact with HY again but to the extent of not wondering if something is seriously wrong, or at least wondering but deciding it’s none of his business? I bet he thinks he succeeded in driving HY away which is why HY has ceased showing up but that is wilful blindness - this is what he wants to happen (and also driven by his deep internalized belief he’s replaceable and to be abandoned) but it goes against everything he should know about HY!

5. Ugh, Chen Man is back. He makes me goddamn tired. XQC’s trend of making meals for people who assault him (back when with HY now with CM) ought to stop - he’s not a charity kitchen. I do love XQC leaving the door open. Also I cracked up at Chen Man bringing gifts. What do you get as “sorry I sexually assaulted you and dislocated your wrist” gift? A set of really fancy dishtowels? A dessert assortment? A vase? Though to be fair, He Yu didn’t even get him a gift so OK, Chen Slow, I will roll my eyes a quarter turn less.

6. XQC: “look Chen Man, it’s not you, I don’t like men.” Chen Man: “then how about He Yu?” XQC...

OK, Chen Slow, thank you for having this idiot FINALLY figure it out!

When Chen Man said that he looks at He Yu the same way He Yu looks at him, my soul ascended!

And XQC is now wondering. It’s interesting, I thought he figured out he loved HY earlier and it was all “I love him but I can’t be with him” thing but I now think he did not fully accept it - it was more of “I care for him and it would be bad for him or I’d stay with him” but I don’t think before this moment he truly processed the exact nature of his own feelings (as opposed to something being good/bad for He Yu) and even more importantly the nature of his own attraction to He Yu, including sexually.

7. XQC about He Yu: “There is no second person who can replace him.” SCREAM!

8. I am pretty sure the person who died in HJW (unless evil org is Count of Monte Cristo smuggling He Yu out.) Bye bye, so long, whatever, terrible dad!

[ti-bae-rius]

Following on from @imherongraystairstrash’s amazing Thomas and Kit fic (which is here: https://imherongraystairstrash.tumblr.com/post/654901507028828161/i-know-you-write-about-relationships-in-tlh-and) here’s my addition to this lil fanfic universe, in which Thomas and Christopher discuss love and what love means.

Some period-specific discussion around sexual and romantic orientation but pretty darn positive!

Christopher dropped his carpet bag down on the bed in the room opposite Thomas’s with a sigh.

“Mam went to visit Uncle Henry, and he said that we should be able to go back to the house tomorrow by tea time. Mam and Dad have taken Alex to Aunt Tessa and Uncle Will’s. I haven’t a clue where Anna went. Mam asked if she’d somewhere to go and Anna said ‘I’ll find someone’ and Mam said ‘you mean somewhere?’ and Anna said ‘If you like’ and that caused an almighty row, so I’ve come here.”

Thomas glanced up from where he’d been filling the basin for Christopher, and grinned at him in the looking glass hanging above it.

“What a palaver.”

“Not half. And then Mam made me get rid of all the clothes I was wearing when the experiment went awry, so that’s another shirt gone to buggery. Anna’s inherited wardrobe is waning by the second.”

“I can’t imagine Anna would be seen dead in your old clobber, Kit.”

“Not anymore, but she used nab it all. I’m sure she thought I didn’t notice, but I did.”

“You never asked her about it?” Thomas asked. A knock at the door made him pause before he got an answer, accepting the plate offered by one of the maids. He handed Christopher the tea cake, pooling with melting butter, and stretched out on the rug as his cousin ate.

“Well none of it mattered a jot to me. They were just clothes. They meant something to Anna.” He set down his tea cake in indignation. “Oh, and I was pretending to sleep in the carriage here, but I heard Mam and Dad talking about Anna. Apparently the Clave are kicking up a fuss again about her, saying she could be muddling foolish shadowhunter girls. But Anna in spats and a waistcoat is still Anna. I hardly think a pair of trousers is going to baffle ladies out of their heads, and if they think girls are so easily duped, then it’s not the girls who are the foolish ones.”

Christopher understood Anna so well, Thomas thought, watching as - now serene after his outburst - Christopher happily tucked into his tea cake, fingers slick with runny butter. He understood Anna, so he’d understand Thomas. At least, Thomas thought, he hoped that was the case.

“I’ve something I want to tell you,” Thomas said, and his voice trembled a little with the nerves as he said it. He picked up his teacup but the saucer clattered against the base as his hands shook.

“Mind, you’ll drop that,” Christopher said, and Thomas put the cup back down. “Well whatever it is, it sounds frightfully serious.”

“It’s not all that serious,” Thomas insisted. “I don’t suppose it is anyway. Unless you find it serious. You might do.” He forced a breath between clenched teeth and reminded himself why he wanted to tell Kit. Because he’d understand. Because he was Anna’s brother. Because he was Thomas’s best friend.

“I...don’t fancy women. I fancy...other boys. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Christopher’s violet eyes widened behind his spectacles, brows shooting up towards his hairline.

“Are you surprised?” Thomas hazarded nervously.

“Hugely.”

“You didn’t guess then?”

“About you...I didn’t give it a fig. I mean, I’m surprised you told me first. No one ever tells me anything first.”

“Well, you’re my best friend.”

If possible, Christopher’s eyes widened further, huge saucer-like circles of shock.

“I’m your best friend?”

Thomas almost laughed. “Of course you are. ‘Course, Kit. Besides, you can’t possibly be more surprised by that than...than the other part.”

“Well that is interesting news,” Christopher nodded. “Certainly interesting. Lots of recent scientific papers have been published on the subject. I tried to show Anna but she asked if they had any advice for seducing women, and then when I said it wasn’t a how-to guide she said it sounded dull.”

“Well I’m not to be experimented on,” Thomas said, and Christopher glanced across, wounded.

“Of course not. I didn’t mean...It’s just how I explain things I...” He patted Thomas’s shoulder helplessly. “It’s all alright with me, old boy. Any of it. Because I’m your...best friend.” He said these last two words with such earnest, such pleasure, that it set Thomas’s heart alight.

“You won’t tell the rest of the lads, will you?” he asked nervously and Christopher shook his head so firmly his spectacles shifted down his nose.

“Of course I shan’t,” he said, pushing them back up with a finger. “I’ll probably forget by supper tomorrow.”

They both knew that wasn’t true, but Thomas ruffled Kit’s hair in thanks anyway, muttering some gruff comment about that being about right. Nevertheless, he could see Christopher grinning.

“Thomas? Are you up?”

Setting down his book, Thomas padded over and opened his bedroom door, admitting a Christopher who was squinting without his spectacles. Thomas pulled him into the room and closed the door behind them. The candle he was reading by was starting to burn low, so he activated his witchlight lantern and set it on the bedside table. Christopher peered at the book and then back at Thomas.

“Couldn’t you sleep either?”

“You look like a mole when you don’t have your eyeglasses on,” Thomas replied instead, evading the question. His heart still felt as if it was leaping out of his chest, like he’d been infected with demon poison. He felt lighter and heavier all at once. His secret didn’t feel quite so suffocating now he’d told Kit, but speaking it had made it somehow more real. There was no hiding from it now.

“I had a question for you,” Christopher went on, tucking his knees up into his nightgown. Thomas, in a pair of striped pyjamas his mother had bought him, didn’t know how his cousin didn’t freeze to death.

“Which was?” Thomas prompted.

“When did you know that you liked other lads, not girls?”

Thomas tried to swallow the shock of the question. When did he know? How did he know? Didn’t everyone just somehow know? “I suppose...I’ve always felt it. But it became impossible to ignore when I was about 11 or so.”

Christopher seemed to heave a sigh of relief, though Thomas was half-inclined to believe he’d imagined it. Was his cousin wondering whether he was out of the woods to fall victim to Thomas’s own proclivities?

“I suppose it’s the same as you knowing you fancied girls.”

Christopher didn’t say anything for a while, and Thomas presumed that was all, when Christopher suddenly spoke again into the silence, voice dropped to a hush.

“Well, you see, that’s sort of it. I’m not sure I do know that. I don’t really know that I’m fond of...anyone in that way, girls or boys.” Though the light was low, Thomas could sense Christopher wrinkling his nose the way he did when he was puzzled. “I suppose that makes me awfully peculiar,” he said quietly.

“Not peculiar, at least not any more so than me,” Thomas told him. “Besides, you’re only 14. Perhaps you’re just a late bloomer. You’re ever so studious, you’re probably just too busy for courting. You have plenty of time to court girls.”

“I just...” Christopher cut himself off with a sigh. “I’m fond of lots of people. I’m fond of you, and Jamie and Matthew. I’m fond of my family - even Alex and his relentless grizzling. I’m fond of lots of people. But...I don’t think I can really imagine wanting to kiss anyone - and I definitely can’t imagine wanting to do anything in a marriage bed.”

“Well,” Thomas began, not really sure where his answer was going to lead him. “Like I say, you have plenty of time. But, even if you didn’t ever want something like that, you’d still be Christopher. It wouldn’t change anything for us, all of us who know you.”

“You don’t think that would be a tremendously odd life? Never being in love?”

“I’m not sure I’m the one to comment on what’s odd or not, especially not in matters of love,” Thomas pointed out, smiling. “But...I don’t see why it should be. Like you said, you’re fond of so many people, and they’re all so fond of you. It wouldn’t be as if your life was without love. By the angel, you’d be lucky to even escape it for a day with so much family around you who dote on you. Just because you wouldn’t want to take a wife...that shouldn’t mean you would have a life without love. Not when we all love you so.”

“And even if you were in love with some lad, we’d still be friends, wouldn’t we?”

“‘Course we would, Kit. You’ve seen what Aunt Tessa and my mother are like; Shadowhunters stay friends for life, especially when they’re family. We’ll always be best friends.”

“Well then, I don’t suppose the rest of it matters,” Christopher said, and Thomas’s heart wriggled free of the iron grip of anxiety, just a little, because Kit still loved him. And, Thomas agreed, the rest of it didn’t matter.

[roswellnmsource]

Jeanine Mason and Roswell, New Mexico showrunner preview season 3 of the extraterrestrial drama

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Was the year time jump because of the pandemic? To sidestep making that too central to the plot, or was that always the plan?

JEANINE MASON: That was always our intention and it was just sort of a saving grace in that way. We also don't acknowledge the pandemic in real-time on our show. There are no masks and that was just so wonderful just to get work in that way and have that time where it was a little more normal. Also, that's just our show — we want you to come to us the way you always do, which is for nineties nostalgia, sexy Cowboys, brilliant scientists, you know?

CHRIS HOLLIER: So we wanted to drop our characters in a year later, let them stew in their individual decisions that were made last season. We want everyone to root for our poster couple but we want to honor what happens in real life, which is sometimes you step away from that person, even if you are entwined with them in a very particular way. So we wanted it to be a real enough time and distance so that they could live a little life on their own.

With showrunner Carina Adly MacKenzie departing at the end of season 2, has much changed? Or are you still working with ideas she had in place?'

HOLLIER: It's a little bit of both. There are things that Carina and I built that live all the way through and then once the story got up on its feet, discoveries were made with our new crop of people that we were like, "Oh, we're going to bend it this other way."

Jeanine, how is Liz doing in her new life in L.A. when we pick up this season?

MASON: Well, it's been a year and at this point, her life is actually pretty great. She just hasn't taken a second to acknowledge that. She's doing what she does best, which is just full head in her work and trying to figure out what she could use of her discoveries and her brilliance to save Maria. She has a great job, a really nice place, and an awesome partner at work who is a good time and a real match for her in terms of intellect and ambition. He begins to ask her to recognize that and to maybe give something a chance that she's been reluctant to because of how drawn she is to Roswell and to Max. It's a fun first episode. It's sexy. It's fun to find opportunities for her. She's our hero so she's got a lot on her shoulders and anytime where we can find levity for her is always a real treat for the writers and for me.

And no Crashdown waitress uniform must be nice?

MASON: Honestly, I miss it quite a lot right now. I have a note in my notes with Chris, I'm like, "I gotta tell him we gotta find him more opportunities for it."

Should Liz and Max shippers be worried about them finding their way back to one another after he destroyed her work and didn't follow her to L.A.? Should we resign ourselves to a season apart?

MASON: This season really is about these characters having themselves mirrored to each other. Max and Liz need some growing and ultimately they can't do anything but be orbiting each other. We found so many opportunities to have such a beautiful language around the cosmic element of their connection. They're asking, "Is this our decision, or are we just acting off of a decision that the cosmos made for us?" It was so fun to navigate that. I always have such a good time with Chris Hollier and with Nathan Dean, just finding the little tiny notches, a tiny bit of movement towards where they're going next. I really loved following them. It's my favorite Max and Liz season to date.

HOLLIER: It's not a season apart. I'll tease that they, in an unexpected way, end up in front of each other relatively soon. But it's really about when am I ready? And what does it mean to talk to my ex? When someone makes such a big influence in your life, when do you know it's over and when do you know you should fight again? We tried to give them real grown-up lives.

Steven Krueger (The Originals) also joined the cast as Heath this season. What can you tease about his character?

HOLLIER: He's just an awesome human being. I know him from The Originals and we were like, "If we're going to have to be stuck with people in the desert, who do we want?" You want to be stuck with a handsome and lovely and charming Steven Krueger. So really this was looking at, "Well, what did Liz want and what does it look like when you start to give Liz versions of what she wants?" Heath is somebody that is beyond being just a lovely person, he is smart and wants to advance science and that's appealing to Liz. It becomes, "What does it look like when the man that I hang around with all day is also into the same things that I am?"

MASON: I love him. Heath is just such a fun, whip-smart, fantastic character. His humor was so fun. We've been having a good time with kicking the humor up really through season two and in season three, we just took it up another notch. There are some moments that are like, "Is this a drama or is it a sitcom?" Looking back on it, he was such a fun partner to spar with. They're both such intellectual characters and I love that there's a real meeting of the minds. It makes it competitive and sexy. I know a lot of fans are so excited because they know him from The Originals and he's going to be a great addition.

Technically, Mr. Jones is a new character too. Can you tell us anything at all about him?

HOLLIER: I'd say he's a new character — and a fully-fleshed interesting new character. Mr. Jones has an awesome beard. At some point, he might lose that beard. A lot of people are asking me, "Is Jones good or bad?" And what I would argue is that's a perspective based upon who you are in the conversation that you're having with him. He knows a lot about our heroes' story and he knows a lot about home. He'll be able to answer questions for them. This season our heroes will get to learn why they ended up here on earth. One of the things I think that people will love is that they're going to get to see that home planet this year. We asked ourselves a lot about this whole season, "What have we set up for the past two?" We look at these first three seasons almost like a trilogy so a lot of things are going to be paid off.

Has Nathan enjoyed pulling double duty this season? Or is he just exhausted?

MASON: He's exhausted, but he's such a champ. That really is the beginning of this mirroring thing that starts with Max and Jones with him actually getting to look at himself to a degree and those questions that come up. The self-analysis that it provokes in him is really the beginning of what is happening to all of our characters this year; everybody's being confronted with themselves. I loved that the Max/Jones of it was also a real sci-fi element.

Did he really grow that beard or was that not possible if he had to go between the two characters?

MASON: That was a prosthetic beard and our makeup team killed it. He was not accustomed to early mornings, which, of course, all of us babes are. It was a lot of extra time in the chair for him.

Can Jones dupe Liz into thinking he's actually Max since she doesn't know he exists?

MASON: You're totally on to something. It's a real and pressing threat. I mean, she's totally in the dark and he looks like her cosmic lover!

HOLLIER: What I will say is that, Liz — beyond her being number one on the call sheet — is integral to this story in a way that she and none of our characters are going to perceive when they start episode one. We're bringing [the characters] to a new crossroads moment in their lives and they're getting, through Jones, a mirror into their own lives to decide what they're going to become next.

How's Rosa (Amber Midthunder) doing this season?

MASON: By the end of season two, Rosa really makes the decision to start taking care of herself. She really becomes an incredible asset to the Scooby-Doo gang. It's something that Liz is in constant adjustment to. As much as she's the younger sister, she feels very protective of her sister and Liz has had to make adjustments in her trust and faith in Rosa. I loved it because it just felt like a real personal, authentic thing that sisters would go through, but also that Hispanic sisters would go through. I think we sometimes, culturally, have a tendency to baby our women — maybe that's the wrong word — but just to underestimate their physical ability and what they might take on, and sort of 'queen' our women in a way where we treat them tenderly. I hate that. I'm a tough bitch and so is Rosa. So Liz has to confront that and go, "I'm an idiot to underestimate you. You've done nothing but prove me wrong."

What about Maria and her visions?

HOLLIER: This year I think Maria has the most complete arc of any season, as she recognizes things about herself that cause more questions about who she is, who her family is, how she's linked to this story. We dive into it in the present-day and we dive deliciously back in time too.

In the exclusive clip above we see her have a vision of a funeral, can you tease anything about who potentially might be about to die?

HOLLIER: Maria is front and center in driving the first half of the mystery for us. She's burdened with trying to figure out whose death she is seeing. It takes a few episodes to unravel and we use it to ask, is this linked to our supernatural stories or real-world stories that are going on politically? Is it bad luck? Is it herself? There's a whole gambit at play. We joke that we solved a past murder, now we're going to try to stop one.

Can Malex (Michael and Alex) shippers have hope that this might finally be their time?

HOLLIER: What I would say is that I think that Malex fans are really going to dig this journey. We, as writers, put them at the same level of importance as Max and Liz. So we wanted to really honor the next step in what they may or may not be. How did they grow up and how did they have those hard conversations just like Liz and Max are going to have?

Is Isobel going to continue to date women this season?

HOLLIER: Isobel is going to go on a more personal journey. You got to love yourself before you can love someone else. We lean into those possibilities by the end of who she might love. It's not something that is dropped all season — it is something that you'll see. We play some romantic comedy stuff with her character this year and with Maria that I think fans are gonna dig. There's a lot going on in the world and wanted to pump some humor and hope into it.

Will see more of Liz fighting to challenge the perception of the Latinx community?

MASON: I think that just by nature of it being one of such few shows that are led by a Latin woman, it's always going to be, to an extent, a protest or an assertion of the space that I get to fill and that Liz Ortecho gets to fill on network TV. I was really excited to just have Chris as a collaborator. Over our hiatus, before the season started, I was doing a lot of reading. I chronicled the books that play into Liz every season on my Instagram. I was reading some Sonia Sotomayor. Her book is just incredible. I was texting him screenshots of pages of the book with things underlined. Ten episodes deep into season 3, he's like, "Remember that page you sent me?" He's a real dream collaborator. I loved him for that. A pressing struggle for people of color is going through the ranks in these big corporations and then sometimes coming to find out that those corporations are purporting to support marginalized groups but actually aren't following through. So how do you, as someone who's having your success, your dreams become reality, navigate supporting the company and giving so much of your intelligence and your work — that they often legally own, especially with science — to a company that isn't going to be for your people?

[cynthiaandsamus]

Custom Toonami Block Week 68 Rundown

Code Geass: Lelouch gets Rolo to Za Warudo Suzaku so he can talk to Nunally for a bit before pretending he doesn’t know her. Then they decide to go hijack Nunally’s airship and “rescue” her before she can become the new viceroy. Kallen gets a flying upgrade to the Guren that matches Suzaku’s “Lancelot but with bigger gun” model and now she can fly too which is enough to take out all of Britannia’s airforce apparently. Still Nunally sees Zero!Lelouch and is like “you’re running around murdering people, that’s not cool” and Lelouch is like “I’m murdering people for you damnit” and turns out Nunally asked to go become viceroy so she can continue Euphy’s “Let’s just all get along” plan which was basically pacification by the higher ups anyway so it’s not like she’s NOT being used but she at least has the illusion of agency and Nunally rejecting Zero kind of breaks Lelouch. Also Suzaku flies in and adbucts Nunally and instead of moving the Lancelot’s arm like one foot and fucking punting Zero into a wall to end this whole thing once and for all, he uses the safety triangle go save Nunally.

Inuyasha: It’s filler time again! This time we do have an admittedly adorable version of Inuyasha being duped into household chores for Totosai while taking care of a young lynx demon that reminds him of Shippo, being nicer to Bunza than he ever was to Shippo for some reason. Still Inuyasha breaks the Mantis Demon (it’s always Mantis Demons wtf) barrier and saves the day before Totosai has to come clean and we get way to much information about his hygiene habits but Inuyasha finally gets the real lead on how to break barriers because the Tessaiga is a swiss army knife of stolen techniques.

Yu Yu Hakusho: We’re up to the third Saint Beast and Hiei is not about to stand for some Ice asshole killing someone for being weak which taps into his tragic backstory gland and leaves everyone else puzzled as to why the most stoic person of their group is so triggered by betrayal he definitely would have done himself. Seiryu and Hiei do the ice tango for a bit before Hiei does ninja shit and no-sells the ice to slash him up like it’s nothing. Meanwhile Suzaku gets his info and is like “Oh boy, Yusuke has a childhood friend to exploit” like all the other villains find out sooner or later. Despite the stupid name he gives the song and the corny one-liners from the zombie teachers chasing Keiko, hearing the haunting melody of the Makai Whistle/Flute (seriously that’s not a whistle it’s a fucking flute) while seeing Keiko go about her day before being hunted down by zombies is pretty striking.

Fate Zero: So Kirei’s like “Oh no, Gilgamesh killed my only servant, better hide out in the church till this is all over” only to have like 39 other servants to fuck around with that are gonna try and get some stealth kills based on the fact no one knows they exist. Also Iskander is walking around Waver’s place in booty shorts trying to reenact Citizen Kang on President Clin-ton and fetishizing bombers and jets. Kiritsugu’s got his guns and shit, ready to do his Homura thing but is worried about having feels now and being a dad may make him only able to kill 999 people without breaking a sweat instead of the full 1000. And lastly we catch up with Saber and Iris who definitely knows she’s being thrown into this to die as Saber’s fake master so Saber takes her out for a night on the town to enjoy herself and possibly question her sexuality. Doesn’t last too long though as their lesbian outing is interrupted by Lancer, seems like the Lancers are just the starter bosses in Fate for some reason since UBW started with a Lancer fight too.

Konosuba: So the last member of Kazuma’s party is revealed, Darkness the Masochist Saber has arrived. I mean I really don’t know what to say about these bits because everyone already knows the premise of Konosuba and going too much into it is probably just explaining the joke. Kazuma gets his steal ability and can only steal panties because his luck is so good and haha irony. Cabbage hunting also happens and Darkness has the Dead or Alive 2 jiggle physics on her tits turned up to Age 102 (god I’m dating myself with that reference). But it’s funny, Kazuma doesn’t seem happy about it but everyone’s just kinda having a good time fucking around and being insane. Like I get the joke is none of this is practically useful but I kinda wish Kazuma would stop being such a wet blanket and just enjoy being friends with everybody while he can, the girls seem to get along well enough together and they even give him praise when he does cool stuff, like really this just seems like a pretty positive (if insane) friend group and I wish he was more down for it.

Sailor Moon Crystal: So our third Sailor Guardian is a priestess fresh off of preparing for the Cotton Drifting festival (wait, wrong anime, thank goodness, Usagi just plain would not survive Higurashi). But I love how Ami convinces Usagi to go with her just by saying there’s a pretty girl there, like it’s so ridiculously gay and Usagi’s just all for it. Rei’s probably the most complicated character so far and gives the most thought to why she’s doing this out of the first three, like Rei literally asks Usagi what she’s fighting for and she badly mangles a Spider-man quote. That being said we’re starting to see that group dynamic come together which is fun and other than weird teleportation shenanigans and teleporting right into the boss’s lair and then just leaving making me scratch my head, this was a fun episode.

Durarara!!: This episode kind of reminds me of a pre-school cartoon show, but in a good way. Like they just pick a theme, in this case “lost things” and have all the characters have a small plot around that and kinda navelgaze on it for a while. Obviously the main plot is Celty’s continuing existential crisis over losing her head and Shinra’s insistence that she doesn’t need it despite him being tied to the pharmaceuticals company that almost certainly has it and he probably knows where it is at this point. It’s an interesting philosophical point that the show keeps bringing up, that Celty has made a life in Ikebukuro and the real disembodied head was the friends she made along the way. In other anime that would probably be the answer but it’s more complicated than that because Celty does feel incomplete without it, hundreds of years of her life and something deeply personal to her is just missing. Shinra’s terrified that the person she’ll become once she’s “complete” won’t be the same woman he loves and will leave him behind and Celty wants to balance enjoying the time she has spent in this town with being complete in a metaphysical sense. She should be able to take solace in the life she’s made but you also understand her yearning and that makes some really good moral quandaries right there.

[kendrixtermina]

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

[syntaxeme]

Giardino Segreto ch. 1

[Read on AO3] | [Next Chapter] [Support me on Ko-fi] Rating: T Summary: Alastor finds himself in a bit of a pickle. He’s fallen in love with a human--a frustrated young man named Angel--and now needs to win his love in return before he chokes on pent-up affection (Hanahaki Disease). What’s a demon to do?

— — –

Another night in New York City, and Alastor sat cross-legged on one of the Dellarosa home’s many balconies, observing, listening. The room he was peering into was on the third floor, one of few still lit so late at night. Inside, two very similar young people—easily recognizable as twins—sat on the edge of a nicely-made bed. Both had bleach-blond hair with dark roots starting to show, both were a little thin in some place, a little curvy in others. The young woman was tending to a cut on her brother’s cheek, dabbing an alcohol-soaked cotton ball against the gash.

“Ow,” he said softly.

“Sorry.” She quickly drew away, biting her lip, visibly agonized over his pain.

“It’s fine. I’m used to it by now.” Alastor could’ve recognized that voice even without seeing its source, that soft tenor currently tinged with bitterness. Angel. His heart quickened slightly at the sound. “His fault, not yours.”

“I don’t know why he gets so steamed about it. Even if you two can’t agree—”

“Agree? It’s my fuckin’ life; he shouldn’t get a say!” Angel growled. His sister (Molly, if Alastor recalled correctly) cowered slightly, and he sighed. “Sorry. You know it’s not you I’m pissed at.”

“I know.”

“And Criss ain’t helpin’! He acts like he gives a shit when it’s just us, then when Dad’s around, it’s ‘Antonia’ this and ‘sorellina’ that.” The anger in Angel’s voice was drawn down with pain, and he gripped tightly at the covers beneath him. Molly wiped blood away from the cut on his forehead, and he winced slightly. There was nothing she could do for the bruise under his left eye. “Thanks. Sorry I keep buggin’ you with this shit.”

“He’ll come around eventually, Angelino.” She leaned in and planted a kiss on his forehead, then left for her own room. Angel sat very sit for a few seconds, dark eyes staring at the floor with a kind of helpless fury and sorrow that Alastor couldn’t help but find fascinating. He glanced toward the window, and the demon froze. But of course, Angel couldn’t see him. The boy—a young man, really, somewhere around the age of 25—let out a sigh and turned out the lights, then crawled into bed and buried himself under the covers. It wasn’t until Alastor heard his breathing turn slow and deep that he finally left, strolling away from the house and twirling his staff idly through his fingers.

Was there something a bit voyeuristic, a bit ‘creepy’ about this? Certainly. But could he help himself? Absolutely not. This wasn’t the first time he’d observed Angel Dellarosa and been utterly captivated by every word from his mouth, every toss of his hair. Angel, who had been given a different name at birth but had since chosen a new one for himself. Angel, whose family—excluding his sister—refused to acknowledge who he was and how he felt. Stubborn, passionate, beautiful Angel, who had caught Alastor’s attention on his first night in the Big Apple and held it firmly ever since.

It was odd. He didn’t typically take such a fixed interest in any particular human. Most of them, he would’ve said, were more or less interchangeable. Predictable. Boring. But Angel had surprised him and continued to do so. If only there were something he could do to make the boy’s life easier, he would, without a moment’s hesitation. To see him comfortable, to see him at ease, to see him fulfilled and smiling…

When Alastor’s chest inexplicably tightened, his stride faltered. Further tightness, an itch in his throat, and he coughed. Instead of fading, the sensation of his chest constricting got worse, forcing him to cough harder and cover his mouth by reflex. He was familiar enough with the idea of consumption that he expected to see blood when he pulled his hand back.

The flower petals, however, came as a surprise.

Rose petals, to be specific. Powder pink roses, pink like Angel’s lips when he smiled, like his fingertips when they ran through his hair. Funny. Knowing himself, Alastor would’ve expected red, but although they were stained with the same blood still marking his lips, there was no denying the petals were soft and pale. Another unexpected turn, and once again, it was Angel’s doing.

The concept wasn’t entirely foreign, though he never would’ve expected it to apply to him of all people. He’d always thought of this as more of a Heavenly affliction. Was it a Biblical story? He couldn’t recall.

The tale went that love was a gift, a thing of beauty, and one should never keep such a gift hidden. If kept trapped inside and unshared, the blossoming emotions would fill the space they were given: the space in one’s chest, one’s heart, one’s lungs. The only cure was to confess and to have the feelings reciprocated. Otherwise, the ‘beautiful’ sickness that was love would consume the victim from the inside out. Oh, it was all very symbolic. Very artful. Very poetic.

It made Alastor want to vomit. More petals. Ugh. And the implications! Love. For crying out loud. He’d never felt any such thing in his life. Never mind that he’d gotten a little sidetracked on his recent visit to New York City and stayed a few days…weeks…all right, months longer than intended without forming a single contract. He had been berating himself for it every day. Yet there he stayed. Idiot. And now he was ‘lovesick’ in every possible sense of the word. Fool!

There weren’t many he could rightfully call friends, but there were some who tolerated his presence more than others. One such beast was a fellow demon named Husk, one who also spent much of his time lingering on Earth and enjoying the darker sides of human society. Unsure of what to do or how to approach this issue, Alastor sought him out in one of the seedy speakeasies he was known to frequent.

Husk was the sort of demon who adopted an entirely human appearance when mingling with humans so as to not give away his nature, but he was still easy enough to pick out of a crowd. After all, he was the only one who could see Alastor even while his magic was concealing him from mortal eyes.

“Bullshit! No way is that the hand you got dealt,” Alastor heard as he entered the darkened, smoke-hazed room and headed for the poker tables, where he knew he was likely to find his ‘friend.’

“You callin’ me a liar?” That was Husker’s voice, easily recognizable by its rough and perpetually-irritated tone. When Alastor reached the tables, he found Husk on his feet, in a shouting match with another patron over their game.

“Making friends as always, I see,” he remarked mildly, and Husk glanced briefly in his direction without answering.

“You know what? Fuck it. This bet ain’t even worth arguing about.” Throwing his cards down on the table, he turned to walk away, giving Alastor a subtle nod that said he should follow. So he did, wandering over to the bar, where Husk ordered a rye whiskey.

“You could have finished your game,” Alastor said, leaning against the bar and scanning the room for anything of interest. Not likely, since he knew what to expect here. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Doesn’t matter. I was cheating anyway,” Husk said flatly. “What’re you doing here? Lookin’ for some poor sap to dupe into a deal?”

“As phonetically pleasing as that is, no. I was hoping to catch you for a chat, actually. I, er, have a problem I’m not quite sure how to solve.”

“What, you’re lookin’ for advice? From me?” After receiving his drink, he gave the bartender a nod and led the way to a table in one quiet corner of the room. “I ain’t promising I’m gonna be helpful, but go ahead and lay it on me.”

Sitting very still and very straight in his chair, hands folded on the table, Alastor explained his situation as dispassionately as possible while Husk sipped his liquor. The more he talked, the more he was forced to realize exactly how complex a position he was in and how few options he had left himself. Predictably, when he got to the part about the rose petals, Husk laughed at him.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You got the fairy tale flower-puke disease?” he choked out, and Alastor remained silent, placid, ignoring his irritation. Yes, yes, it was all very funny until one was forced to deal with it personally. With no choice in the matter and no easy way out, it became significantly less amusing.

“I didn’t ask for it, mind you. None of this has been planned by any means.”

“But you let it happen.” Husk’s tone made it clear how strongly he disapproved, that he saw the predicament as Alastor’s own fault. And Alastor was forced to agree, to a point. “You’ve never even talked to the kid and you got it this bad? I woulda figured that wasn’t possible.”

Before I saw him, I would have too. Of course, he didn’t dare say that out loud for fear of his friend ruthlessly criticizing his—very uncharacteristic—romanticism. “However it happened,” he said instead, “I don’t have much choice but to address it at this point. The question is how to go about doing that.”

“What question? You got two options, right? Either you win him over or you eventually choke to death on your fucking feelings. Unless you just wanna give up and die—”

“You know, my friend, you have been every bit as helpful as I expected when I came here,” Alastor said pleasantly. “I truly appreciate your tact and understanding on this sensitive subject.”

Husk rolled his eyes and drained the last of his whiskey. “Look, if you wanted ‘tact and understanding,’ you came to the wrong guy. But I don’t think that is what you wanted. I think you wanted to be told exactly what you have to do, so you couldn’t keep beatin’ around the bush about it. Am I right?”

Unfortunately. The Radio Demon—funny to think how utterly inapplicable his power and reputation in Hell were to this situation—let out a defeated sigh and turned his eyes down toward the tabletop. Stained. Messy. Not his cup of tea. But his friend was right, and he’d gotten what he had come for: confirmation that there was only one thing he could do now.

He had no idea how to go about wooing anyone; he’d never had any need to in the past. How he might persuade Angel to love him and to admit it…he couldn’t begin to imagine. But at the thought of succeeding, of coming to occupy the most important and valued position in the boy’s life, his chest tightened again with desperate longing, and he quickly covered his mouth, trying to keep his cough as silent and subtle at possible. Since the first time, there had been an almost constant tension vaguely lingering around his respiratory system, but it only became unignorable at moments like this.

“Huh. Y’know, I almost figured you were bullshittin’ me,” Husk observed with vague interest as petals collected in Alastor’s palm. “Guess it’s for real. Good luck with that.”

Alastor’s fist clenched, delicate petals crushed, blood dripping down his wrist. Luck was the very least he needed.

[iznightwing]

TUA Season 2 Spoilers

So, this is my immediate reactions to the new season of The Umbrella Academy. Please enjoy

Episode 1

They all got stuck in different parts of early 60s Dalas, TX

Threat of nucular war

"The Swedes" are our main(?) protagonists for this season it seems

Diego(1963) is in a mental asylum because he's trying to stop JFK's assassination.

Vanya(1963) has some minor amnesia

Luthor(1962) is a mobster???(idk)

Allison(1961) is married, helping with the civil rights movement

Klaus(1961) stole a guys truck and fighting with Ben

Ben(with Klaus) is still a ghosty boi(😭)

Five(1963) as to figure out how to stop the fuck apocalypse ****again**** that they ended up bringing back with them

Episode 2

Handler is alive, but she got demoted

Luthor works for Jack Ruby apparently

Luthor still hates Vanya -_-

"Dad should have left him on the moon" jsjegdidu Five's fuckin savage

Diago and Lila(new character) escape the mental hospital

Allison's husband just got arrested for "assault and battery"

Diago is still trying to get Lee Harvey Oswald

Klaus is literally treated like a Hippie Jesus but he doesn't like it

They have fottage from JFK's assassination, which isn't for another 6 days, based on the show's timeline

FUCKING REGINALD IS IN THE FOOTAGE?!?!

Luthor found where Vanya has be- OH SHIT HE HAS A GUN

Luthor doesn't realize Vanya has amnesia

He wants to apologize to her???

LUTHOR DON'T DO IT

SISSY(new character) PULLED THROUGH

2 of the 3 guys sent to kill the Hargreaves are just throwing a knife at each other while the other one cooks??

Five and Diego are going to search for Reginald

Allison's husband is getting suspicious because she almost used her power in front of him

Lesbian vibes coming from Sissy and Vanya

Five being vulnerable makes me soft

Reginald has (a) mannequin family(ies)??

Pogo!!

Reginald just fucking stabbed Diego I-

Episode 3

Klaus seriously is just Hippie Jesus

Lila saved Diego's life

Vanya run girl!

Yaasss queen! You use thos powers!

Well, Five found Vanya

Luthor is trying to find Allison

Klaus and Allison reunited!!

Handler changed her appearance??

Allison is a strong independent woman, and ain't none can tell her otherwise

Daaamn klaus and Ben just used his ghosty self to get Allison's husband out of jail

Five tries to help Vanya get her memories back

I'm fairly certain Lila has a thing for Diego

THEY MADE OUT! I WAS RIGHT

Okay, they're doing more than making out

Luthor found Allison's address and met her husband. Can you say **awkward** !

Allison ain't taking no shit my dudes

DAVE!! AAAHHH

Klaus is being the awkward gay

OH FUCK OUR IS BOY HAVING SOME PTSD

KLAUS IS TRYING TO SAVE DAVE FROM GOING TO VIETNAM!

I think Ray(Allison's husband) is mad at Allison...

Vanya and Five went find Luthor

Shit going wrong at the sit-in

Oh shit Allison just made Ray scared of her by using her power

Klaus managed to get Allison out of all the chaos

Luthor just purposely lost a fight??

Lila what the fuck are you doing??

Lila, what are those keys for??

LILA YOU FUCKING WORK FOR HANDLER?!?!

MOM?!?!?!

Episode 4

FIVE WAS THAT YOU?! I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT WAS-

I don't know how I feel about this my dudes

Vanya and Luthor bonding??

Jack Ruby just fired Luthor??

Vanya and Five just had a fight

Klaus is not the best person for moral support

"He stabbed me" "I'm surprised he waited this long, Diego. We've all had the urge" jdjdgdj savage Five back at it again

So Reginald is part of a "shadow government"??

OH FUCK DAVE NOOOO

Allison, honey, you can do better babe

Oh nooo Klaus is going back to the dunk side

Welp, Klaus' followers found him

Diego, Lila and Diego doing a sneaky

Allison and Luthor have reunited!!

More sneaky

GRACE! BUT NOT A ROBOT!

Oh nooo! Harlan come back!

HARLAN NOOO

VANYA TO THE RESCUE!!

Well, Luthor just got evicted

LETS GO LESBIANS

Well, Luthor's high on laughing gas, thanks to Eliot

Ooo fight scene to KISS niiccceee

Welp I think Diego feels betrayed

Five knows ancient Greek apparently

Episode 5

BABY POGO

Pogo was apparently sent to space

That moment you realize Reginald treated Pogo more like a son than he did his own children

Diego and Five are onto Lila

Allison and Klaus are have a heart to heart

As I stated previously, LETS GO LESBIANS

Oh nooo

Luthor, you're just going to get your feelings hurt

Told you soooooo

"Dude, that's rough" I- they literally missed the opportunity to use "that's rough buddy"

Handler, what are you planning?

Now Diego doesn't trust Vanya -_-

ALL THE SIBLINGS ARE TOGETHER YAY

The Swedes are just living their best life in this random women's home

Damit Klaus

God damit Luthor

Don't follow her damit

AAAAHHHH BENNNN

Klaus calling out all the in*est shippers

"The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up" I didnt need called out like this Klaus

I love some quality sibling bonding

Well that guy just went boom

I lowkey like this cover of Billie Eilish's "Bad Guy"

Five figured out Lila and Handler are working together

Vanya trying to confess her love to Sissy I- baby nooo

Vany, baby, it's all gonna be okay

The swedes are down to two. Poor guys

Idk how I feel about this version of Adele's "Hello"

Klaus is confronting his followers

Allison decided to tell Ray everything

Episode 6

Allison, run baby!

Ooo how sweet!

Seriously Handler. What are you planning?

So luthor, Diego and Vanya are going to talk to Reginald

Klaus' followers won't listen to him

Allison got Ray to believe her. Yay!

Ooooh booooyyy, pooh shhhiiittt

BINGOO!

oh shit, what the hell??

Oh my god, Dave come baaaaccckkk!!!

"Unharm my wiener" oh my god

I think Luthor let rip in the elevator, lol

Reggie wants proof

And with that proof comes a mess of fruit

So, Ben can possess Klaus

Diego doooonnn't

Vulnerable Five gets me every time

Nooooo not Eliot

Sissy, it's gonna be okay baby

Oh noooo

Oh fuuucckkk

Episode 7

I have a bad feeling about this

Well that was... interesting

Klaus is being Ben's wingman and letting him possess him to talk to a girl

I don't like Carl's attitude

I knew Handler was gonna pull something

Diego just threatened an old lady because of a misunderstanding I-

Istg, I want to shoot Handler in the head again

God damnit Diego

Ben, enjoy yourself baby, but don't abuse your brother's trust

Fuck off Carl

Allison, honey, please go with Luthor

Ben, you're doing great sweetie

Diego knows that Ben is able to possess Klaus

Vanya, please don't fight with your brother

Diego, please lis- GOD DAMIT LILA

Allison, baby, its going to be okay

Sissy, what are you doing?

Backstreet boys to a fight scene. Nice

So vaccuum extensions can be a weapon

Klaus, Ben, stop fighting!

Okay, so that happened

Shiiitt

Vanya, don- SHIIIIT

Episode 8

So Vanya is the russian baby from the opening of the first season

"You've had your possession privileges revoked!" "I regret nothing!"

Oh shit, he's gonna- ope, he knows it was Handler

Diego, don't let them treat you like that man

Grace, please be careful

Grace, don't believe him

So, five is going to look for himself. Literally, not figuratively

Sissy, don't listen to him

DON'T HURT HER YOU ASSHOLES

The FBI be assholes(for legal reasons this is about the show only)

This won't end well

Lila, please. Control yourself

Five apparently doesn't trust himself(the old body version of himself)

Diego, don't fuck up

Fancy shmancy machine

Sooo, Vanya causes this apocalypse too??

Past five wants to "kill" present Five??

Brain food. Ha

Ray, just listen to your wife

Uuuuhhhh Harlan??

Episode 9

Allison, please be careful baby

"You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair, I just thought you should know"

Common Klaus, I know you can do it baby

BEN!!

"Because I'm him, and that is exactly what I'd do if I wanted to kill me!"

"I'M THE DADDY HERE!!" Gejkzudh I'm-

743??

Carl stop it!

Sissy, POP OFF

God damnit Lila

Five. For god sakes

Oof, I felt that through the screen

"Dancing with myself" is a completely appropriate song to go with this fight scene

Ben, be careful baby. I know your dead, but still

Vanya, baby, it's gonna be okay

Ben noooooo

Shut the fuck up Carl

OH SHIT

Lila knows the- GOD DAMNIT IT WAS FIVE

Don't listen to her Lila!

Okay, so that just happened

Diego is still trying to stop the assassination

Five sent old Five through his rift to 2019

Well, Diego got duped

Reginald didn't know about the plan of the assassination??

WHAT THE FUCK?!

UUUHHH

Episode 10

Okay, so we open up with Ben's funeral

Wow Reginald

Klaus apparently convinced Ben not to go to the light?

So now they're all wanted by the FBI

Guys, please listen to Vanya

Okay, so he was scared of the light, it wasn't Klaus that got him to stay

"Anyone makes a fat joke and I'm outta here"

Oh- oh no

Harlan, baby, please listen to Vanya

Uuuuhhhhhhhh

So Diego can control the direction of more than just knives. Okay then

Hell yea baby, Vanya saves the day

WHAT THE FUCK

OH SHIT, FIVE

Nooooo

Phew that was close. Why is it always Allison that almost dies?

Don't listen to her Harlan!

Listen to them Lila!

NOOOOO

WHAT THE FUCK

YASSS BITCH

Harlan, it's okay baby!

Yassss

Way to go Herb!

No Sissy, go with herrrrr

I have mixed feelings about all this

And theyre back home

Apparently Reginald is alive??

THE FUCK

[themadlostgirl]

Peter Pan Won’t Fail (2/2)

*Finally got part two!*

Prompt: Modern Reader ends up on the Neverland from her favorite tv show Once Upon A Time and proves to be very helpful. (Part 1)

Requested by: anon

Warnings: language

---

Months passed since I first showed up on Neverland. While most of my time was spent with me cataloging everything I knew from Once Upon A Time the show I did get some other hobbies. I got to learn how to fight, an endeavor that resulted in many bruises and a dislocated shoulder. I explored the island and got closer to the Lost Boys. I met Tinkerbell but Peter forbid me from telling her anything about what I know. He was rightfully pissed that Tink betrays him in the future.

Speaking of the future I was still on the fence about my involvement in it. I tried to rationalize it away. Convince myself that these people weren’t necessarily real and so had no actual input on anything. Most days I could ignore it. Other days not so much. I hate debating my choices in morally compromising situations.

During the night Peter straightened and fell quiet suddenly. I waited to see what he was doing when he smiled. “New souls entered the island. Could it be the boy?”

“How many?”

“Three.”

“Should be.” I took a deep breath, “The games begin.”

Peter called Felix and some of the other boys and sent them off to find Henry and the two adults he came with. This is happening. This is actually happening now. I’m in the plot of the show.

“Y/N--” A hand dropped onto my shoulder and I jumped a foot in the air.

“Nervous are we?” Peter teased, “If your information is correct then there is nothing to worry about.”

“I know, I know.” I shrugged his hand off, “I guess a part of me didn’t believe in all of this deep down. I mean, for years I watched these characters and wanted them to get their happily ever afters. I loved you as a villain and stuff but if they hadn’t defeated you then everything would have been for nothing. All the people I cheered for...gone. Now that it’s happening for real I--I guess I feel guilty.”

“Is that so?” his eyes narrowed. “Losing our nerve are we? I thought you wanted us to win. To change the story.”

“Yeah…”

He towered over me, that once teasing glint now a cold stare. “Are you going to be a problem? I would hate to have to go back on my word and lock you in a cage until after I have the heart.”

“No! I promise! I’m fine!” I tried in vain to stop my shaking hands, “I’m on your side. I want you to win. I want you to live.”

“Good.” he wrapped an arm around me and started ushering me deeper into the jungle, “Then you won’t mind taking on a special role in the proceedings. Won’t you?”

“Of course not.” I relaxed at his touch, “What did you have in mind?”

“Deliver this,” he produced a straw doll and placed it in my hands, “to Rumple for me when he gets here.”

I tucked the doll away. “Not a problem.”

“There’s my Lost Girl.” he traced a finger across my cheek, “Now you say I need to keep my shadow confined to the island?”

“Not unless you want Baelfire running around and teaming up with Rumple to get Henry back. It’ll make things easier without another person to interfere but I think our real worry is Regina. She’ll go to hell and back for her son and was labeled the Evil Queen for a reason. Murder isn’t something she’ll abstain from.”

“Good thing we don’t either.” 

I waited in the camp while Peter and the boys collected Henry. When they returned Peter nodded to me and I went out on my own mission to find Rumple. I really hope that this goes like with Felix and that he doesn’t just immediately try to kill me.

I wandered around until I saw a figure in a clearing. Okay. I can do this. I walked closer and he turned to me, his calm demeanor shifting into confusion when he saw me. “You’re not who I was expecting to see.”

“I know.” I kept my hands clasped behind my back so he couldn’t see them shaking. “I’m just here to deliver a message of welcome. Seeing as how you’re here for Henry though that makes you Peter’s enemy so not really a welcome I suppose.”

“Who are you?” he scanned me from head to toe, “You’re not from here. A strange magic swirls around you. You’re not meant to be here, are you?”

“I shouldn’t be here but it isn’t going to stop the fact that I am.” I pulled out the straw doll and tossed it to him, “You can’t see the future here but I do. Spoiler alert, you don’t win.”

Rumple picked up the doll with tears in his eyes. It might have been sad if I wasn’t simultaneously terrified of the man and the power he wields before me.

“Who are you?” he ground out through clenched teeth. “Who are you!”

“I’m the tipping point.” I grinned as a new feeling started to emerge. Sadism that I had never known before. That delight in seeing him crumpled on the ground trying in vain to cover the sobs escaping from him. Pain that I caused just by handing him a little doll.

When I got back to camp I found Peter immediately and told him about my meeting with Rumple. “Sounds like you did very well, my Lost Girl.” he pulled me closer, “You’re having fun now, aren’t you?”

“So much fun.” my heart fluttered wildly in my chest.

“And the fun will only continue. But it is getting rather late so we’ll return to the game in the morning.” Peter took one of my hands and brought it up to his lips to kiss and wink at me. “Goodnight, Lost Girl.” he said and walked off towards his tent leaving me dumbfounded and gaping like a fool in the middle of the camp.

The pleasant buzz clouding my mind started to abate. That boy is slowly dissolving my moral compass and I can’t find myself to be upset about it. Not when he did such things like that.

What good were ethics when you lived here anyways? How could guilt help me survive? Why save one boy I do not know from Adam when I needed to save someone who meant something to me?

Over the months I’ve spent here Peter Pan has come to mean something to me. He means survival. He means adventure. He means laughter. He means...he means happiness. He may even mean something more that I daren’t believe possible. Maybe I’m just being stupid. Maybe I’m letting all the damn fanfiction I read obscure what is true. Maybe all I am is a means to an end and once he is cured then every promise he made will be forfeit. This time next week I may very well even be dead.

Right now though...right in this moment I am alive. I am here. I am a Lost Girl and when Peter Pan looks at me my heart skips a beat. Even if it is all just an act or an illusion I want to be happy. I want to pretend that this is where I am meant to be.

With that dream in my head I went to my own tent and fell asleep to await the rest of the events of this week.

And so it was a strange couple of days. With my advice and foresight things were going much smoother. Maybe not as fun as Peter would have liked but in this case he wouldn’t die. That’s all that matters in the end really.

If things remain as they are then there will be nothing to worry about. Wendy was confined and kept on high guard so that none of the others could intercept what she knew. I didn’t like the idea of keeping her prisoner still and negotiated to have her returned to her brothers in Storybrooke after we had won. My one good deed amongst all my other rather abhorrent dealings since coming here.

Neal wasn’t on the island. Rumple had been duped by Peter’s shadow disguised as Belle and had been returned to Storybrooke. Peter had taken Tinkerbell’s heart and forbade her from helping heroes. We found Baelfire’s old hideaway and taken everything of use out. A group of Lost Boys had found the Jolly Roger per my instructions and sailed it far off into the ocean. There was only one single row boat on the island and it was with Peter. He should be heading to Skull Rock right about now with Henry.

It’ll all be over soon.

I was taking a walk through the jungle singing softly. The only loose end was Emma, Regina, Snow, David, and Hook. I had yet to see any of them and was hoping to keep it that way. If I did run into them then I had a very specific job that Peter entrusted to me.

“The King and his men stole the Queen from her bed and bound her in her bones.” I sung, “The seas be ours and by the powers where we will we'll roam.”

“Yo ho, all hands hoist the colors high.” a voice answered from the darkness, “Heave ho, thieves and beggars. Never shall we die.”

A gust of wind pushed me down to the ground and held me there. “What do we have here?”

“Damn,” I hissed in pain. A bunch of people started to gather around me. “I should have stayed in the camp.”

“Where is Henry?” One of them demanded but in the dark it was hard to tell who.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you are the adults looking for Henry? Emma? Regina? Hook?”

“You know her?” A feminine voiced asked.

“Never seen her before. Outside of Tinkerbell and the mermaids I had never met another girl on the island.” Definitely Captain Hook.

“If you let me up I will take questions.” I told them. The invisible weight pinning me down lessened and I stood up. Sure enough it was the heroes that had found me. It is so weird seeing them and knowing that they aren’t just actors right now.

“Who are you? Where is my son?” Emma demanded.

“My name is Y/N.” I told them. It is now time to put my encyclopedic knowledge of Once Upon a Time and ability to lie out of my ass to the test. “Your son is no longer on the island.”

“What? What do you mean?” I had multiple weapons pointed at me. “Where is Henry?”

“Storybrooke.” I fished the magic bean Peter had given me out of my pocket, “I snagged these off of Pan. Gave one to Henry to go home.”

“Why should we believe you? You could be lying.”

“But I’m not. I came here to save him since in my world you lot fail.”

“What are you talking about?” Regina edged closer with a fireball.

“Okay, long story short I come from a land where all of this,” I gestured to the jungle, “And all of you are part of a TV show. This is the Neverland arc. People argue it was one of the last good ones before things started going off the rails.”

“I’ve been through a lot but even that doesn’t sound real.” Emma rolled her eyes.

“Henry’s father is a man named Neal, Rumplestiltskin’s son, previously known as Baelfire. He was tricked into an engagement with a woman named Tamara whom you suspected. When you went to search their room you had Henry stand guard outside and to bump against the door if anyone came.” I said and she backed off. “Too specific an instance?”

“Henry could have told you that--”

“Snow here had a one night stand with Doctor Frankenstein and Charming punched him in the face after the curse was broken when he found out. Do you think Henry knows that one?” I cocked an eyebrow at them. It was really hard not to laugh in that instance since Snow and David looked extremely uncomfortable with the reminder.

The others started to back off but Hook kept his sword trained on me, “And you...what can I say to you? You and Pan are well informed but I know something that not even he does.”

“What, pray tell, is that?” he snarled.

“You know lullabies. One at least. Your mother used to sing it. Her name was Alice.” I answered. If the Hyperion Heights arc did anything right it was giving us Colin O’Donoghue dressed as Captain Hook singing lullabies to a squishy little baby.

“How did--”

“Now do you all believe me? I know how this story goes and I am changing how it ends. That way you idiots can win and not let your son die this time.”

“We...we fail?” Snow looked heartbroken.

“Not this time.” I held out the bean to them, “Henry is already home. He’s waiting for you. Why do you think I’m out here singing sea shanties? I was hoping one of you would hear me so I could pass this on.”

“And what do you get out of this?” Regina asked.

“I get to watch a happy ending instead of a sad one. I mean, there is a bunch of bull that the show goes through to bring Henry back like two episodes later but this is much faster and hopefully not as convoluted.” It was actually kind of amazing how effortlessly the lies were flowing out of me.

“Great, if we can just get back to the ship then--”

“The ship isn’t there anymore.” I sighed, “Like immediately after you all got here Pan finds the ship and sets it on fire.”

“WHAT!” Hook shouted, “My--my ship!”

“Yeah...sorry, couldn’t do anything about that one.”

“What about, Gold? Can we just leave without him?”

“He’s currently in a magical fight to the death with Pan on Skull Rock where they will most likely kill each other. Considering all the crap he’s pulled in the past against all of you I say we leave them to it. Yeah?”

The adults exchanged uneasy glances before nodding. “Great. Now off you go. Say hi to Henry for me.” I dropped the bean on the ground and they all fell through back to Storybrooke.

“Oh thank god!” I breathed out in relief. “That was a lot more work than it should have been. I could have just as easily thrown it at their feet the second I was up but no. I had to go on a Once Upon a Time trivia binger. At least they’re gone and can’t intervene anymore.”

I looked around at the empty jungle and sighed, “And the talking to myself has increased by double. Nice. I’m gonna get out of here.”

I stood over the cliff looking over Skull Rock to wait. Hopefully my advice didn’t work against Henry’s belief in Peter. If things go wrong then we are all screwed. Time ticked by at a torturous pace. I was starting to think that we had failed again when I saw something fly out from Skull Rock.

Peter! He did it! We won! We won!

As if sensing my excitement he flew straight to where I was waiting and landed in front of me. Before I could react he scooped me up in his arms and spun me around. “Hello, Lost Girl,” Peter was smiling like a madman, “I did it.”

“I noticed.” I chuckled as he set me down once more, “No trouble on your end?’

“None whatsoever. Henry was only to eager to hand over his heart to me. Now I am all powerful.” Peter floated off the ground a few inches to prove his point, “No loose ends on your front?”

“None. The heroes are trapped in their world and you have the heart. There’s nothing they can do.” I was practically bouncing from excitement.

He settled back on the ground. His excitement was mellowing out and I could see the gears turning in his head. “What happens now?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. Some of my fear started to creep back in but I squashed it down. “This is an alternate timeline now, we’ll just have to write our own story from here on out.”

“Our?” Peter cast his eyes to me once more. I let myself believe there may have been fondness in them.

“Yes. What good is an all powerful king of Neverland without a queen to tell him he’s doing it wrong?” I smirked at him.

“I knew I was gonna like you.” he pulled me flush against him, “Say it.”

“Say what?”

“You know what.”

“Peter Pan never fails.” I whispered, our faces a breath apart.

He kissed me so intensely I felt the earth shudder around me. “Damn right.”

[juju-on-that-yeet]

There Are Worse Things I Could Do, Chapter 2/10

Summary: Yancy wanders around the city, figuring out ways to get what he needs, and tries to decide when - or if - he’s going back to Ego Inc. Warnings: None Characters: Yancy

Read on AO3

Enjoy!

~

As the morning gets later into noon, Yancy continues his walk towards…somewhere. He can’t say where exactly. Anywhere but home, anywhere but where Lio is.

His stomach growls, and he decides he ought to go somewhere with food, at least. He doesn’t have any money, but he knows how to play a stranger’s heartstrings. He knew a lot of people at Happy Trails who were used to living on the streets, and who knew how to survive with no money in their pocket and no means to earn it. They talked about it a lot, gave their tips and tricks to other prisoners readily. Yancy hadn’t planned on needing them, but he absorbed them anyway, just by hearing them over and over. He’s glad for it, now.

He pauses suddenly, realizing how he’s thinking. He’s thinking like he’s homeless, but he’s not. He could go back to Ego Inc. right now for lunch. He doesn’t need to stay out here and guilt people into giving him food.

“But Lio is at Ego Inc. He called this morning, he might still want to talk to youse.”

Yancy thought he’d wanted that before, but now the thought fills him with terror.

He keeps walking.

He finds the nearest fast food place, waits in line, and puts on his acting face when he gets to the front. He keeps it simple; a cheeseburger and a cup for water. When he’s told the total (barely more than a dollar), he rummages through his pockets, keeping a look on his face like he already knew he had nothing but was hoping the money would just materialize (a pretty genuine emotion at this point). He borrows just a little of the awkward, uncomfortable grief that Lio stirs in his chest to tell the cashier that he has no money on him. It must’ve been convincing, because instead of another customer stepping in, the cashier rings it through with her own debit card, pulled out of her pocket.

“Oh, geez, youse didn’t have to do that, miss…” Yancy mumbles, only partly an act. The cashier is a young woman, probably doing her best to live with meager food service wages. Yancy can’t help but feel bad for his dishonesty.

“It’s okay,” she says, unruffled and smiling, “It’s only a dollar. Here’s your receipt, they’ll call your number when the food’s ready. Have a good one!”

Yancy thanks her as profusely as he can without holding up the line. Despite his guilt over tricking a kind young woman, the burger still tastes pretty good.

When he leaves the restaurant, he shivers as the cold outside air hits him. The season is late, the cold is ever-present. He has nothing but his standard black-striped pants, white t-shirt, and a black sweater that Yandere gave him a while ago. Yancy decides he could use a hat and gloves, maybe a scarf.

“Am I really doin’ this? Am I really not going home?”

“Not yet. Later, but not yet. No sense in freezing in the meantime.”

He takes off his sweater and pulls his trusty box of cigarettes out from his t-shirt sleeve. He’s had it since before he left Happy Trails, but he doesn’t smoke. He’d trade for cigarettes in prison if he thought he could get something better for it later. Giving up a rare dessert for a box of cigarettes was worth it if the guard on solitary duty could be bribed with them. Maybe he can do a similar trade now.

It takes him a while, but he eventually gets someone to buy his cigarettes off him for a few bucks. It’s not much, but it’s enough to swing into a nearby dollar store for a fuzzy winter hat, a red scarf, and a pair of black winter gloves. Yancy doubts they’ll last very long, considering their price point, but they should be good for however long he plans to be out here.

“How long is that?”

“Dunno yet.”

After more walking, more pondering his situation, more thinking about Lio and cringing until he puts him out of his mind and then thinking about him again, noticing how he’s doing the same circular thinking he used to do before his confession and getting angry about his lack of progress in getting over it, he knows he has to make a decision. He has to decide when he’s going home.

He doesn’t want to go back now. Tonight feels too soon. A few days? A week? He wonders how pissed Dark will be if he stays gone that long. If he’s gonna be away longer than that he might as well not go back at all.

It’s an idle thought, but it resonates.

“What if I never went back? I never really belonged there, anyway. It’s too weird, too different.”

“And living on the streets is better?”

“It is after the whole Lio fiasco.”

“How will you survive?”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“This is a bad idea.”

“I’ll make it work.”

“Come on, Yance, running away from home over a guy?? This is crazy!!”

“He’s not just a guy. He’s my best friend, at least, he was. I can’t be there and deal with him around me anymore.”

“Youse gonna regret this, man.”

“I’ll see.”

If Yancy’s really going to do this, he’ll need new clothes.

Once the other egos decide they need to start looking for him (which could be soon, considering he’s been gone since last night and it’s now afternoon), he’ll need to stay out of sight. Even with his new winter accessories covering his tattoos and hair, he still has his striped pants to give him away. They’ll probably be looking out for the black sweater, too, and he can’t take it off without exposing his much more identifiable arm tattoo. It has no hood to hide behind, either. To stay hidden from the others, he’ll need to find something new to wear.

But he still has no money, meaning he’ll have to steal.

He battles with himself even as he looks for a suitable store. This is worse than duping people into buying him food; at least then the person is actually choosing to give Yancy something of theirs. On the other hand, Yancy’s spent more than one night hanging out with Yandere and Chrome and getting into fistfights with people. Surely that’s even worse than stealing, and he’s done it without batting an eye. But again, the people he fought chose to punch first, Yancy didn’t just confront random people and start swinging.

But Yancy, for all his rehabilitation, is still a criminal inside. He still doesn’t want to go home, he still doesn’t want to be found. So he finds a store; small, packed, part of a chain. Even now he has principles, he isn’t about to steal from a mom-and-pop. He walks in before he can change his mind.

He recalls what other inmates told him about stealing. Most of it came from his first lover at Happy Trails, the blonde waif of a woman with the quickest hands Yancy had ever seen. He knows to be casual, to resist the urge to look around for cameras, to calmly and kindly refuse help from the sales associates as he looks around. He’s not planning on coming back here again; he only has to get away with this once. If they find him on cameras and blacklist him later it’s no skin off his back. He just has to avoid arousing suspicion here and now.

He finds a pair of jeans to replace his prison pants, and a gray, long-sleeved tee to give more warmth than his white t-shirt. He picks out a bulky red hoodie that nearly matches his scarf and even grabs a pair of sturdy white sneakers. Yancy takes them into a fitting room, pulls off all the tags, and puts everything on. He nearly startles at his own reflection; with these clothes, he could pass for half the other egos on their days off. He takes off his winter hat. His hair is still mostly in place thanks to his hair gel, and he nearly looks like Bim Trimmer sans glasses. He ruffles his hair up and becomes Silver Shepherd in street clothes. He smooths it down over his forehead and straightens up, and he almost looks like a Google. Curious now, he pulls the hoodie off, leaving him in the gray tee, and wonders who he looks like now.

But it suddenly reminds Yancy of the scuba suit he’s seen Lio in more than once, for those times he was searching the ocean or in underwater caves. The tee is nearly the same color though much looser; Lio’s suit was skintight and left almost nothing to the imagination. Yancy could never decide if he loved seeing him in it more than he hated having to play it cool around him when he wore it.

Yancy scowls at himself in the mirror and pulls the hoodie back on.

He leaves his old clothes balled up on the room’s bench and walks out of the store. No one stops him. No one chases after him. He gets away, stolen clothes on his back. He still feels bad, but he’s at least a lot warmer.

“Where to now?”

“Anywhere but Ego Inc.”

Yancy ventures onward to somewhere.

[junghelioseok]

my lash routine!

for stick-straight, asian lashes 💁🏻‍♀️

so this is a little out of character for me, perhaps, but i’m doing this because @bendthekneetobangtan recently asked me how i get my eyelashes to hold a curl and i was like??? wait a sec you’re not the first person to ask me that??? maybe i should talk about this since i’m apparently doing something right??? so let’s do it!

(putting the rest under the cut just in case none of you actually give a flying fuck, lmao 🤣)

the most important thing for me is to go in with an eyelash curler twice. once before mascara, and once after. you do have to be really careful the second time and make sure the mascara’s dried down and that it’s not getting clumped up when you squeeze the curler, but it truly does make my lashes so much more lifted and helps maintain it throughout the day. it also helps to have a warm eyelash curler, so i like to shove mine in my bra (along with my mascara) while i’m doing the rest of my makeup 🤣

waterproof mascara also really helps maintain a curl! if you don’t like waterproof mascaras because they’re a major pain in the ass to remove at the end of the day, then i would recommend doing a first layer with a non-waterproof mascara, waiting until it’s almost dry, and then going over it with the waterproof one. that base layer of regular mascara really seems to help with removal!

now let’s be real: there are just certain mascaras that perform better for me than others. i’ve gone through a lot of trial and error, and i’m constantly buying new mascaras because i’m a little bit of a mascara (and lipstick 💄) hoarder. i love going through the sephora value sets for each year’s lashstash and other mascara bundles, and i actually recently just purchased this year’s lashstash for $48. checking sephora’s site now, it’s on sale for $34 which is so dang affordable, omg. like, you get two full-size mascaras, 8 little ones, and a pair of falsies (which i never use, lol) and it’s honestly just such a steal. i swear, each lashstash lasts me over a year and it’s a fantastic way to try new products. 

a few of my current mascara favorites, in no particular order:

too faced better than sex (waterproof) - i know this doesn’t have great reviews on sephora’s website but i honestly don’t know why? the regular version is good too, but it always smudges on me. the waterproof one doesn’t, and it’s so easy to throw on one layer and be out the door with no additional hassle. 🤷🏻‍♀️

lancome definicils - again, another formula that doesn’t smudge. the curl isn’t as great since i do think the shape of the brush kind of pulls all the curl out of my lashes, but a second time with the curler fixes that. plus it makes my lashes super long and defined, which i love.

tarte lights, camera, lashes! - this is a new one for me, but i wore it all yesterday, through an entire morning spent roasting a goddamn turkey and working in a very hot kitchen making mashed potatoes and stuffing and all your other thanksgiving classics, and this shit did. not. budge. it was on for well over 12 hours and at the end of the night there was only the tiniest amount under my eyes? it was insane. i’ll have to keep trying it but so far, so good. (fun fact: i haven’t tried it yet, but i also have the waterproof one which is called ‘lights, camera, splashes!’ which i thought was hilarious 😂)

clinique high impact - this is one i got from a sephora lashstash like a year ago (don’t @ me about throwing out old makeup, okay? 🤣) and i still really like it! it doesn’t smudge on me and gives me a very natural, everyday look. and while i usually curl my lashes a second time with this mascara, i don’t feel like i have to. it would be okay either way. 

l’oreal voluminous - ah, the og mascara. this was one of the first mascaras i ever owned and i still really love it to this day. i love how affordable it is and how easy it is to use, and while i haven’t tried the waterproof version yet (it’s sitting under my sink lol) i’m sure i’ll love it just as much as the original. weirdly enough though, i don’t actually love the lash paradise version that’s supposed to be a dupe for the better than sex mascara? the brush is clunkier and a little too big for me, even though the formula was just fine. idk!!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

that’s all i can think of off the top of my head! most of these are high-end i’m so sorry 🙈 but almost all of the expensive ones are minis that i got in a set! say what you want about sephora but that have great sales and value sets, and the fact that there are always promo codes is 👌 *chef’s kiss*)

so yeah! waterproof mascara, shoving your lash curler in your bra, and curling your lashes a second time after mascara! that’s really it for me, folks! 😘

[aprilwritesabook]

I appolgize in advance for this long ass post haha.

Alright, so here's the deal. This post is gonna be part rant, part confessional, and part inspirational speech. So if your following this blog purely for the updates on my books you can skip it haha.

I know a currently published author. I used to kinda be friends with them in highschool, but it was more like a friend of a friend type deal. But I digress. Point is. They recently released there second book on Amazon. And I really wanna be happy and proud of them, and to see it as an inspirational thing, buuuuut I'm almost 100 sure they are actually a fraud?

And that's not me being bitter. I really really really wish this wasn't the case. But I have the evidence to back this theory up.

1- they claimed that there first book sold out multiple times. And to be fair this one might be at least partially true. Its rated pretty high on amazon, But then again they only have 4 people rate it and three of those people are the editor formattor and artist for the book. Soooo. Yeah I sure hope they rated it well.

2- they are constantly posting stories to there social media that are far fetched at best. They work in a bookstore. And almost every other week its a slightly diffrent story about a customer who "didn't even know" he was the author who would "burst into tears" the second he told them what the book was about because they were just Soooo touched by the message that they wept to a total stranger??? If that had happened even once it would have been an odd occurance. And this is something that apparently happens alllll the time to them. (I hate to drudge up old memes like this, but)

3- this person has recently made a tick tock and a youtube channel. And like, the content isssss questionable? And that's not necessarily a crime or anything. But they give updates about it on social media as if they are speaking to a mass of adoring fans and like...you can see how many subs and views a person has. We know he dosn't have a big fan base. And I know that sounds harsh. But like, some more gullible people have asked him for advise on how to be "successful" and "gain a following", and he answers them with authority. Like he has the answers even though he clearly dosn't? And that feels really... disingenuous at best?

4- along the same vein as 3. They recently made a post on twitter about how they are "overwhelmed by the amount of love and support they have found on the site" and how they get "some many heartfelt messages." Annnd again. I clicked the account. They literally have 5 followers. And not a SINGLE person has EVER liked, retweeted, or commented on a SINGLE tweet of theirs. Not one. Soooo like not only are you pretending to have a huge fan base that dosn't exist your also making up there engagement with you? Which this alone I feel brings validate to my doubts about the other things. Clearly they arn't above blatant lying and extreme over exaggeration. And also they either don't realize we can all seeeee these facts. Or they don't think anyone will actually check and call them on it ?????

Now there's a lot of other examples I could give. But my point isn't to put this ONE person on blast. I'm not trying to start beef or cause damage to their reputation or anything. Which is why I won't say their name or what there books are. The only way you'd know who I'm talking is if you also knew them in real life. In which case you either already know all this, or you should, so you don't fall victim to their lies.

The reason I'm saying any of this at all is because I think I know why they are doing it. And why so many indie authors or would be media mogels feel the need to do this.

The issue with trying to "build an audience" and "self market" yourself, is that you really only have 2 ways of guaranteed sucess.

You either need to have a pre established audience based on success you've already had in the past. (IE youtubers and movie stars writing successful books cause there fans will buy anything of there's reguardless.)

Or you need to buy your way in. Be it by quitting your day job to make social media your full time job, buying ads, hiring a social media person,or hiring a team of people with their own audiences (audio book narrators, cover artists, managers, ect)

And if you don't ALREADY have an audience, and you don't have the funds to BUY your way in, then your just gonna have to get real lucky.

You can be lucky for knowing somebody with an "in". They work in publishing, or advertising, or they're your rich uncle. Just someone who you can go to to get that boost one way or another to get one of the first two methods going for you.

You can get lucky by commenting the right thing on the right post and gaining followers that way. Or by being in the right place at the right time to meet somebody important.

You can be lucky by having lots of supportive friends and family who will promote you and your work FOR you.

Or lastly (and this is in the realm of being a one in a million case here. So it basically never happens without one of the other things I mentioned also being true.)

You can be lucky by working REALLY hard, and being REALLY talented, and having the world actually NOTICE YOU somehow? Just one person with influence who can find you in your dark hole of insignificance and shine a light on you so now the world can actually seee you.

And that sucks.

You could write the greatest book in the whole world. Truly a masterpiece. But if nobody buys it or reads it because they don't know who you are??? Then it dosen't matter does it?

It sucks Soooo hard.

Because untill you get those people with influence to shine a light on you, theres nothing you can do. And the market is soooooo drenched in new indie authors that the odds of the right people finding and liking your book are slim to none.

Its super unfair.

The people who have the influence arn't gonna buy a book with 0 reviews and no social media following.

Why? Because THEIR brand depends on only recommending the good shit. And they need to find that good shit NOW. If they read every book written by nobody's online, they'd have to wade through ALOT of garbage. wasting all their valuable time and money till they found something worthy. And honestly, from a business stand point, you cant really fault them for that

This is where the lies come from.

So basically no matter how you look at it, or what your strategy is, In order to get fans, you need to ALREADY HAVE THEM.

When your just starting out. And I mean truly at square one. It really feels like the only way to "make it" is to "fake it"

If you PRETEND to have a big following. And you PRETEND your books are selling really well already. And you PRETEND that people care deeply about you and your work... Then there is a chance that nobody will do the homework to find out its all a lie.

And if they think your successful already, then it sends a message to the consumers brains of "well they must be good. Everybody loves it/them".

It sucks that so many people who have found real success did so with lies, cash, and being already well connected.

And then they buy it, and they follow you, and the confirmation bias sets in, and eventually you'll dupe enough people into liking you that you don't HAVE to lie anymore.

Those of us with no cash and too high a conscious to lie our way to the top are left with virtually no chance of succeeding no matter how hard we work or how good our content is.

And I'm not claiming to be "better than" or "more worthy" than anyone else. I wanna make it clear that of your in the portion of having it fake it so you can follow your dreams then more power to you. Its a valid strategy. I hate that it works and I hate that its the only option sometimes. But I don't hate the people as creators for "doing what it takes." I get it. Really I do.

And it suckks major ass that so many people feel like this is the only way.

My whole point here. Is that we have slowly built a system where this is our reality. And honestly? End of the day? There's not a damn thing we can do to change it at this point.

In a perfect world made of unicorns and puppies. I could say "hey lets all go ready books by completely unknown authors. Be the change you wanna see in the world." But at the end of the day, especially in the unfiltered world of self publishing, It would be a complete shot in the dark to spend your resources on something completely unknown. We rely on word of mouth, and "best sellers" and high following to do the work of filtering out the bad stuff for us and it would be unrealistic if not impossible to go back on it now. Even if we wanted to there algorithms and shit built into the code. You'll never find the books that Amazon dosnt want you to find unless you search for it directly.

Now comes the confession/inspirational bit

I know all of the above to be true...But I'm choosing not to care

I'm not gonna lie my way to the top. I'm not gonna hide my struggles out of fear of seeming inferior. So here goes

I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. I've been working on it, and I've gotten so much better in recent years. But there are always gonna be times when I slip up and my mental illnesses take over

When I was writing my first book I felt really empowered and good about myself for finally getting past all my own barriers and following my dreams.

And then once I was done writting and editing and I was ready to show the world and get feedback. I flopped.

I couldn't find anyone willing to beta read. Those who said they would do it (even people who claimed they "couldn't wait") ghosted me after I actually sent it to them

I was hoping to get 20 people. I really wanted it to be the best it could be. Only 11 actully signed up. Of that 11, 5 people actually read it: My spouse, my brother, my best friend, and 2 others. Those two others read the first bit I sent them, took a few weeks to get back to me, said they loved it, but then Neeeeeeeeever got back to me when I sent them the next chunk.

Now you can look at all that and come to the conclusion that it sucks. I know I sure did.

The struggles at each step made me doubt myself more and more to the point that I almost gave up writing all together.

And I didn't want to take about it or how it was making me feel, even though it was having a serious impact on me. I wanted to bottle it all up and let it consume me. Allllll because I didn't want people online to write me off as a failure before even giving me the chance.

I wasn't lying about being successful. I was just trying to hide the fact that I wasn't.

And that's almost as bad. Because then all the new authors just feel worse about themselves and their journey because they think they are the only ones.

Your not alone.

Everyone is struggling.

We just aren't talking about it.

I haven't written a word in over a week because I've been so afraid my second book will be dead on arrival like my first.

And I KNOW somewhere out there is someone just like me whose thinking of giving up.

Don't.

Just keep going.

Do your best. And then come find another struggling writer and share with each other. The world outside might not understand your struggle. But another author might.

We can't change the market. We can't change the way social media works, or how people decide if they will buy things

But what we CAN change, is whether those of us within the community want to be honest about our struggles and frustrations. Or if we want to hide them away and lie about them for the sake of making more sales

I think by being honest with one another we can create a better network.

That way the next time you feel like garbage for not being an "instant celebrity" like everyone else. you can look at the community and realize that you were never the problem

If we just keep making new writing friends our collective reach will eventually take hold in the outside world. Don't wait for a random influencer to notice you. Just make one friend at a time. Be known amongst your peers and maybe the rest will follow

And if your a writer desperate for feedback, or just a friend to share your troubles with. Hit me up. My inbox is always open.

[tyrian-tattler]

The Tyrian Tattler - 66 Scion - 10 Copper

Plain text below the cut.

Here’s the Tea

Just Passing By? 

A good source tells us that recently spotted crashing a lake-side party of Salma College students, was none other than the Minister of Beetletun himself.  Allegedly out for a stroll, the Minister is quoted to have been 'just checking it out' for some reason.

A Stinging Rejection? 

Witnesses in the Maiden's Whisper watched as the poor secretary of Salma made an attempt to ask out a gentleman whilst having a glass of wine and being famously rejected. The poor girl left in tears!

Up in Flames? 

At the very same party reported having been crashed by Minister Volkov, things got a little wild and one student was spotted running, screaming into the lake whilst on fire. Sounds like a security issue, if you ask me.

Looking for Love? 

The Lady Vice Legate has retired. Why you ask? Love. In a stunning open session this week, the young Minister declared in a show boaty fashion that she was leaving her station to pursue the new goal of becoming a wife. Yawn!

Hot for Teacher?

Two unnamed individuals, one suspected to be a teacher at Queen Salma College were spotted canoodling in a broom closet by another student. Wonder who it might be.

Dear Tattler...

Dear Tattler,

My husband lost his job. He had worked there since we were married five years ago. I gave up my own career to raise our family and now I am frustrated and hurt, as his own actions caused his dismissal. How do I show him support when I'm so frustrated?

Signed,

Stay At Home Mom

Dear  Mom,

Honestly, first things first, get a good divorce lawyer and leave his butt behind. Then, go get yourself a make over, a boob job and use the alimony to buy yourself a nice place. You don't need to put up with his crap anymore than you already have. He sounds like a real loser and you, girl, are a goddess who should be pampered.

XOXO,

The Tattler

Dear Tattler,

I'm moving to a brand new place. Everything’s new. Not just the location but the people, the types of people, how they talk, how they interact, what they do for fun. They’re a different breed of animal, seems like.

How do I fit in and make friends?

Signed,

K

Dear  K,

They say imitation is the best form of flattery.  Or something. Treat it like an experiment, buy the clothes, talk the talk, act like you belong and darling, you will. If there's one thing about people I know, is that they're dumb and they want to be fooled. Give them what they want. Invent a new you.

XOXO,

The Tattler

Dear Tattler,

How can someone become as renowned as these people you write about? I’d like to make my entrance into the upper echelon of society’s most talked about.

Signed,

Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

If you're not already rich and famous, the best way I know of to join the ranks of the Krytan elite, is to marry in. Find yourself a nice old bachelor and don't forget to put out.

XOXO,

The Tattler

How Far is Too Far?

Mesmer Magic has always been a hot topic of conversation for the sceptical minds of Divinity's Reach to debate. From the newest debutantes, all the way up to the Queen, herself, Mesmers certainly keep things interesting. But, how far is too far?

Sources nearest to us at the Tattler betray that he hottest new trend in Mesmer magic this season has been to illusion one's body to look better. Nothing new, one might argue but, we disagree!  In recent most years, the young debutantes of Divinity's reach have become mothers and with it the plague of muffin top has settled upon the beautiful elite.

Recently released from an unfair imprisonment due to a completely misguided and false stalking charge, the Tattler's esteemed photographer has taken to the streets again to expose he would-be illusionistas.

Desperate to keep their so-thought girlish figures, Divinity's Reach socialites; among them are Luxelen Larkspur of the Ruirkton Roses and the former Vice Legate, Stella Aguillard as well as many many more, reported to be the worst offenders of illusioning their muffin tops. 

No shame in getting old, but there is shame in lying to the people. This publication suggests bringing a mirror wherever you go, or risk being duped!

Fauste Watch 1332

The continuous twists and turns, unfolding drama concerning the life of Doctor Cesare Fauste has sold more magazines in this season than most, so to celebrate that fact we have pinned the doctor down (not literally, don't be weird) and scored an exclusive interivew, in his own words about who he is as a man and a lover.

Recent sightings of himself with anyone other than Cosette Hale are few and far between. 

However! This rag has begun to wonder if Cosette Hale is playing the Ascalonian silver fox after she was spotted recently sharing a bottle of wine with Jason Balmonte. Scandalous!

Name: Doctor Cesare Fauste 

Nickname: Fauste 

If I weren’t a doctor, I’d be: I suppose I would still be a soldier, likely one who has ascended rather well in rank.  However, one never knows.  I may have broken my leg doing something foolish.

If I could trade lives with another person, it would be: There is no other person I'd prefer to be.  I've never had a life cross mine such I envied, save for a house cat.

My worst habit is: My obsession with precision and my view of perfection.  I do not rest until I am certain that something is unable to improve more than it already has.

I’m most insecure about my:  Ancestry.  Those before me have humbled my course due to their frivolity.  

I feel sexiest in:  Naked, I suppose.  Usually the reason for being naked is the cause.

I get secretly annoyed when: Someone tries to show me they are more alpha than I.

The weirdest rumor I’ve heard about myself is: Literally any rumor.

The best gift I’ve ever been given: My children, without a doubt.

I know a woman is perfect for me when:  I do not believe someone is perfect for me.  I do not want someone to cater their traits to me.

I think it’s sexy when a woman: Is patient and kind with more than just myself. Earnestness is my greatest weakness.

I wish I was more:  Open towards those who wish for my vulnerability.

[sapphicunicorn]

Year One: DNF

DNF at chapter fourteen. Back to the library!

This was my first, and possibly only, Nora Roberts. I just didn’t get it? And the writing style wasn’t my thing. There was a lot of repetition, like, the characters literally repeat what they just said. Literally repeat what they just said.

The characters weren’t interesting. The only two I liked were Arlys and Fred, and after skipping ahead, I saw they disappear later in the book and we continue to follow Lana. Boring, boring Lana. And there’s all this talk of The One and a random wizard straight out of a fantasy novel appears to lay down prophecy and I just… didn’t get it??? But the atmosphere was cool. The silence, the doom, the barbaric nature of men in a crisis. Yeah, it was depressing and I struggled to get through the chapters Arlys and Fred were in the subway tunnels. So for being a doomsday novel, the atmosphere was spot on.

State of Wonder: DNF

DNF around page 200-something. Back to the library, babe. I found the idea of the book intriguing, especially about big pharma business, but it doesn’t truly play into anything. It takes at least 200 pages for Marina to even get to the Amazon. The poor girl was in her forties, had enough life experiences that were glanced over, so you might think that she was compelling and complex and fleshed out as our main character. Nope. Marina was flat. The surrounding characters, especially two people who were described as bohemians and were supposed to be fun and quirky, were flat. The writing was flat. The pace was glacial. Flipping through the book, nothing changes. What should be exciting and overwhelming is described as drab and gray as a rain cloud. There are, I think, six pages of a hypothetical conversation that goes in circles. Marina never pops out as a real character, her entire purpose of going to the Amazon is pushed aside and forgotten. The ending was beyond dumb. I’ve been wanting to read The Magician’s Assistant for a long time and haven’t been able to find a Patchett book until now, but after State of Wonder, I’m not sure I actually want to read it now…

The Silent Patient: DNF

DNF at page 65. I couldn’t get into it. I couldn’t take Theo’s ego anymore, or the filler conversations that added no depth to characters. Or the way women were portrayed. I understand his ego plays into the story later on but wow. Just wow. The book mentions film rights, and I’m assuming it was written as a screenplay first and then turned into a novel.

Skimming ahead, the characters are wooden and women are overly sexualized beasts. Don’t get me wrong; I love women who embrace their need for satisfaction. We’re humans, too. But sex plays into betrayal, and just about every mention is either a bargaining chip or cheating in a relationship. Ew.

The twist is decent, not groundbreaking, but decent. Again, it plays into Theo’s massive ego. I’m just not sure it’s a good enough pay off for me to suffer through the whole thing. There were two (two and a half, three?) pages of text wall where Theo describes his dependency on marijuana. In college. Far in the past. Like, I get it. You had problems in your family and used drugs to escape. Do I need long walls of text of every tiny detail, including your own therapy sessions? No, I can figure out context clues.

Anyway, this thing is going back to the library. And maybe it’s just my version. The version my library has is an ARC. Maybe the full release was touched up?

Wish You Were Here: 2 ½ stars

Another day, another chick lit. Another book where the heroine doesn’t realize her worth until a man teaches her. The pace was break-neck, the writing wasn’t anything special. For a book that’s supposed to be emotional, there was a huge disconnect because none of the characters really felt anything. We were just told there was a lot of crying or smiling or squinting. But I guess the message was sweet?

The Royal Runaway: 2 ½ stars

I didn’t really feel one way or another about this book. There was no chemistry between Nick and Thea; neither one really had a personality, just a few traits. The plot was… silly? It started out as a legitimate mystery but didn’t last. The writing wasn’t anything special; Thea didn’t have a voice, didn’t explain herself or her surroundings. Everything was flat but it made for a quick, easy read.

The Face of Deception: 3 stars

There was always a trend of "one of the guys" women in cop thrillers during the 90s, and this book was no different. Except. Except it was kind of different. Eve isn't part of a police crew, she doesn't rub elbows with the FBI, doesn't carry a gun. She has more humanity than the other women I've read in this genre, and she's still recovering from the trauma of losing her child to a murderer. She's not a fan of violence. She's desperate to protect others, but she knows she doesn't need a gun to do it. Her weakness and vulnerability was a breath of fresh air compared to other women in her genre.

Sisters of Heart and Snow: 3 stars

What a genuinely cozy read! As much as I hate chick lit, I found myself gobbling this one up. The sisters kind of bored me, but Tomoe’s story kept me reading. And reading. And reading. And surprisingly, even though it’s chick lit, not everything was wrapped up in a neat little bow. Not every problem can be fixed.

Nearly Gone: 3 stars

Wait, a YA book that I actually liked??? The plot was enough to carry the book that the “supernatural” element of Nearly being able to feel emotions was pointless. Were there cliches? Sure. But I got duped! A YA that actually tricked me! I kinda have to like it. Oh, and the writing was nice; Nearly wasn’t a thirty year old narrator stuck in high school. But on the opposite side of the spectrum, Nearly really needs to get a life outside of her new boyfriend. Once again a high school heroine who throws her friends aside for the boyfriend.

[texpatcolo]

Behind the scenes

I have been wanting, for a long time, to help create some sort of universal resource to encourage women into mountain biking and provide tools, inspiration and community that don’t require time, travel or money to engage with. But I have a tremendous amount of doubt about it because I have no model that resonates, and I don’t know how to be one.

Every time I open up media and look around I see ambassador programs and “sponsored” riders and social media influences and I have an immediate and adverse reaction to these women. I see myself in none of them. Instead, I see women faster than me, fitter than me, more attractive, more core.

Then I remember feeling inadequate as a little kid because my dad loved running more than anything and not only did I despise running, I was horrible at it. And I remember the sideways derogatory comments he’d make about my mom’s appearance as she got older and out of shape. 

And I remember the woman he had his longest affair with who was a perky, fit triathlete and who had the nerve to be nice to me when her daughter and I raced Ironkids triathlons together as young teenagers. I learned to hate athletic women who naturally had nice bodies and some sort of innate physical abilities and excessively positive attitudes and the men who worshiped them.  

My mom raised me to value my intellect and to accept nothing less than being valued as a whole person. She literally told me looks don’t matter and in retrospect I can see why. I managed to grow up without body image issues but with a massive and judgmental chip on my shoulder that I’m still trying extremely hard to shake off.

And yet I will readily confess that the one (and only) time a man said he was attracted to me for my physique, my head swam and I was overwhelmed with glorious, warming dopamine for months. I’d finally won something, though I wasn’t sure what… When I got over it, I felt like a complete moron. Like I’d been duped. 

It didn’t help that I went to work in the mountain bike industry and had to fight that feeling of physical inadequacy on a regular basis. I also had to fight for the value of intelligent professional adults. The latter was far harder; years ago, a well-known and high-powered female figure in the mountain bike industry told me I was wasting my time with graduate school. I used to think it was funny that she laughed at me for wanting to grow and better myself; now it makes me angry.

The last few years before I got out of the bike industry, when I was surrounded mostly by women who had become friends, the being a slow rider thing wasn’t so bad. They sheltered me from it, literally. My year-long foray into cycling media was the most challenging, and required a constant effort to stay one step ahead of everyone else so that I didn’t find myself abandoned on some trail with no one conferring legitimacy on me any longer because I couldn’t keep up.

For two years in a different role, I had to report and submit to someone whose major achievement in life had been riding their bike fast, and yet was somehow in charge of a large and complex organization. Despite my decade of work experience and master’s degree, I never came out ahead. Not once. He never earned my respect, and I was told -- straightforwardly -- that he did not respect me and never would. “Why” was never answered, but being younger than he and female and not a historical figure in the bike industry were three obvious reasons. 

As those two years wore on, I felt more and more beat down and ignored. It wasn’t until I left that I realized how physically and emotionally ill I had become in that role. I was so downtrodden that when I got another job, friends and family members were commenting that I was back to my old self, when I never realized I had drifted so far away.

So perhaps this will be obvious and needless to say, but I have never been “impressed” by athletic greatness unless the person uses that platform for good (thank you, Rebecca Rusch, for being a true role model). I bristle if you tell me I should be interested in someone who is fast or strong because they are fast or strong. I don’t care. 

Beyond an abundance of negative personal experiences, I know those people have something I never will, in addition to some innate physical abilities. They have time, and that is so easy to forget. Time is everything. 

If you have a 40+ hour/week job (that maybe you actually love and derive personal value from), a spouse who is not into what you’re into, kids, a mortgage, continuing educational requirements, volunteer commitments, family needs, other hobbies that you’re passionate about, friendships that revolve around things other than athletic endeavors … then the person who lives in a van and roams the country to ride bikes, or the person who can do multi-hour runs on a daily basis because they freelance, or the person who has the financial and personal freedom to travel to retreats, is not someone I have ever been able to be inspired by. 

And I think that is what makes me frustrated. At the end of it all, the people that the bicycle industry puts up for us all to be inspired by aren’t “regular” enough for me to care about, gain some insight from or feel any kinship with.

Despite all of the bullshit, I’m still the bicycle’s #1 fan and always will be. I still think every damn person needs to own a bicycle and ride it and they’d all be happier and more supportive of our public lands and our environment would be healthier and on and on. I have been deeply passionate about riding bikes since I was 13 and it’s as real now as it ever was.

Even with a busy job that I love, lots of other hobbies that I love, non-bike people in my life who I love and everything else (see above) that means I sometimes only ride once a week, I consider myself a real mountain biker and I don’t give a shit if the current culture would beg to differ. 

I rely on riding a bike more than anything to maintain an even keel because it accomplishes so many positive things at one time. I need to be outside in the woods playing like I did as a little kid and feeling immersed in nature, appreciating my body for what it can do rather than what it looks like, ensuring the maintenance of my sanity, feeling accomplished as my skills improve, experiencing new and beautiful landscapes and being part of a community that I want to hate at times, but that also gave me my family and that deserves a great deal of credit for its culture of volunteerism and public lands advocacy.

THAT is what I want other women to experience. The end goal doesn’t have to be a race, or weight loss, or what-the-fuck-ever. Mountain biking can exist outside of retreats that require time, money, vacation days and childcare that a lot of women do not have. Mountain biking can exist in places like Ohio and Texas and Florida and South Dakota (though you wouldn’t think so from bike media and event locations). 

Mountain biking can exist simply to connect you with the great outdoors and make you feel better about life and yourself. For me, mountain biking is extremely personal. It’s MINE. And it’s something that I think is so worth having that it’s worth me trying to share it.

I can’t possibly be the only person out there for whom all that is true.