#lovelost

[lovefilledd]

[smilefordays]

“Come here, you said kiss me like you used to and as I did I remember why we fell in love”

-dirty.five

[abitbrokenpoetry]

I have loved you for decades fresh faced and dewy eyed i whispered your name to a million starry skies and smiling moons stars excel at keeping secrets for centuries And all these years, I’ve kept  your name beneath my tongue & a piece of you as you were then Resides still inside me Building houses within my ribcage where we have lived a thousand lives together Created a thousand children, visited a thousand places and you’ve carved your name on every tree that grows in our yard That this place will silently belong to you forever but only the stars will ever know our story.

[dailymusemaniac]

www.redbubble.com/people/Inspire76 my bleeding heartache

[jamie4370]

First Post

I didn't want this to be a depressing one but here I am, with my thoughts. I am hopelessly, romantically in love with a girl that left the town I so desperately wanted to move back to. 7 years ago I had met this girl working at the same place as me. I always thought she was SO hot. I had a girlfriend at the time so I tried my best to stay out of trouble. I never cheated, but I did eventually break up with my then partner to be with this girl. I'm getting tired of calling her girl, so lets call her A.

A and I immediately slept with each other after she had spent an afternoon at one of my college house parties. I would have never guessed that they were into me and my craziness. A had long brown curly hair that always had hints of whatever shampoo and conditioner treatment she was on, I still remember slightly what it smelt like: it smelt like fresh laundry and it reminded me of sunshine. She has the coolest blue eyes with a green fringe around the center. A has a voice that has a previous smokers rasp, but the sweetest, melting, feminine voice that comes through that gave me chills. For the next three months we had sex, explored each others personalities and kinks. We watched seasons of Bob's Burgers from cover to cover all day in bed in between our classes and work. We had kept it from all of our coworkers because I was a manager and she was a level below me. We drank and partied together. We woke up together. It was the best time that I've had with anyone. Ever. I still remember what it was like to be next to each other under my cheesy camouflaged bedsheets that I had in college. We were in love but we didn't know how to say it to each other.

One July night, when I was alone: I had a knock at my door from my ex-girlfriend (she lived about 3 hours away so it was really weird that she was there). She confessed that she had missed me and professed their love for me right there. She said that she had wanted to have make-up sex. Me and my weak, mid-twenties, stupid, horny, self accepted. I thought that A would never go for me and what we had was plutonic, she wasn't telling me she wanted to be exclusive. What a god damn mistake.

I told A the next day. In tears and sitting on my bed for what felt like the last time, A confessed that she loved me and that she wanted to be with me. My heart immediately sank and I felt like I had unknowingly betrayed what she was trying to say this whole time. I was lost. I tried to break up with my ex-girlfriend again after two months in hopes that A would take me back. I tried to see it through with my ex. A said she did not have the time to deal with her emotions in time for us to be okay again. I never would have done what I did to have a shot with A and over the next 7 years we would have the skinniest of loves two people could ever have.

We constantly stalked each others social media pages. We made contact every now and again but it never felt like anything of substance. At a certain point when I had broken up with the partner that I had been seeing for five years, I would try to text A. No reply. I don't know why these feelings are so intense when we had only been together for 3 months. It felt natural for me to want to talk to her.

I felt even more hopeless and depressed. My life felt like I had spent the last 7 years waiting on something that had almost no chance of ever happening again. I always thought that if the universe gave me a sign to be with someone, it was with A. I hated myself. I hated who I was and I was never happy with anything that I did. Everywhere I went A came with me. I don't know what kind of mental instability this was but I found myself in the bathroom crying at parties and always feeling depressed at work. I was an empty vessel, drifting in space.

One day, I decided to sum up the courage to text A and see how they were doing for the last time. I thought I was going to text A and finally begin my journey on getting through all of this madness. I didn't think she was going to ever respond.

The next day she did text me back. It was like my dream came true, and at the last straw. I was bound for a happy relationship with the person I SO desperately longed for. We talked and decided to meet at a bar that we regularly go to. We talked and you could tell that we both were nervous. I tried to dress up a little and put on my favorite fragrance. We met and it was perfect.... Except the part where she said she was moving more than 8 hours away. I didn't care. I wanted to be with her. Even if it was for a few months. We kissed at the end and she admitted that she didn't want to let me go in that cold weather of February. I was in bliss on the hour car drive back to my old apartment.

For the next few months we started right where we had left off. A had looked a little different since the last time we had seen each other and they were a little self conscious. I didn't care. The person I love is back together with me. I was trying to focus on the present and the fact that we had what we wanted and it was beautiful. We learned our everchanging kinks and talked about what we had been doing the past few years. She said that she had worked at another bar that I would regular at. She then quit and became a nanny for this couple that payed her ok money. I told her that I had moved away to pursue an engineering career but that I'm moving back because I loved the city (kind-of true). It wouldn't be until later that I could get an apartment lined up for the time being, so it was an hour drive from where I was.

I could be myself around her and her to me. When the date of A's departure was rapidly approaching she kept making comments about moving and the plans that she had when she moved. Every time those words came out I would immediately turn to anger and resentment. I would say that A never cared about me and that she wanted to move away so that she could get away from our relationship. I had this blow-up reaction a few times until one day she asked me if what this was, was 'too much for me?'. I broke down and said yes. Of course I didn't want her to move. I fucking love her SO much. We had another mud fight of an argument that we said nasty things to each other. Finally, we had had enough. We stopped talking to each other April of this year. I tried calling A once more because I has having serious thoughts about cu**ing myself. No reply, so..... Who could have stopped me? I'm in my thirties and I still manage to bring up the high school days.

I think its getting better but I'm constantly surrounded by negativity in my life. My brother hates me, I can't see my dogs because I lashed out at the ex-girlfriend I am sharing them with, my grandmother and mother are having a serious conflict, I can't sleep, I cry constantly, I have a drinking problem, a nicotine problem, my bestfriend slept with my last girlfriend at my other bestfriends wedding, and on top of all that, I am transitioning genders. My hormones have not done me any favors over the past few months.

I talk to my therapist constantly about A still. I seem to think I'm being annoying by how much I talk about her. It's hard to rummage through all of the memories and try to think of the good when all it feels like some times is loss. Spectacular, unadulterated, fantastic loss. I miss her dearly. I don't know if she feels the same. I told here that she may not find me the way she left me. "My heart is big, but not big enough for the convenience of others." or some stupid quote like that.

I don't do much right now. I play video games, watch football, read, draw, blog, etc. I'm out of love to give right now. I have had my heart stomped on this past year, yet, I have accomplished so much. I bought my first house, I started a new job, I got medicated for depression and anxiety, I've been on hormones for 6 months now, I got my roof redone, and I won an award for one of the projects I've done! It all feels overshadowed by this lingering darkness that feels oddly familiar.

I feel very alone right now...

Maybe A will read this one day and move back to this town and take me off my feet.

Maybe I'm, getting ahead of myself.

[joanofarc]

lovelost, motifs (2022).

there’s a picture of you i found you’re sitting in the snow (with the woman you loved) i think about the world you saw before me

[remarkablemarie]

I am at your mercy. I am yearning for your love. I am weak for your touch.I am destroyed by your disappearance. You have left me heartless. You took all of my joy. You robbed me of my daylight. I am at your mercy.My heart jumps at the thought of your text. My mind wonders if you still love me. I am at your mercy, have you let go? Have you moved on? Tell me if it is meant to be.Tell me if this is it? Tell me you still love me, tell me if I am still the one, because I am at your mercy

-Britt

[samueldeckerthompson]

Time is a heartless thief leaving gaping holes in my memory

as it takes you away from me.

The sound of your voice is already gone,

as is the light in your laughter,

but sometimes

I still manage to feel your touch

if I fall into the embrace of the others just right,

and for a moment ... it is everything,

even though

it heals

absolutely nothing.

-Samuel Decker Thompson

#SpokenWord clip below

[jimswhathappensnext]

Memories of you

As the memories crept up on me I couldn't help but wonder where he was. I didn't mean where his body's location was, I meant where his mind lived. I wondered if I had made the right decision but ultimately my mental state made it clear I did the right thing. I made it clear I was leaving yet this time I provided no explanation. I was tired of the long paragraphs and pouring my feelings out to someone who simply did not care. I waited for signs, waited for him to tell me how he felt, and most importantly waited for that sincere i love you that never came. It is now I realize what a fool I had been.

Memories will always be there, I will always see him in the ocean, I will hear him in my records, I will catch a sniff of his cologne every so often, but I will no longer ache in his absence. In his absence I blossom, I create, I become the person I want to be, and everytime i'm in his presence all of it is taken away from me. I often wonder if I cross his mind, if he sees me in the ocean, if he hears me in a song, and if he ever wonders if he's on my mind. I can't help but smile when I think of us, in those beautiful memories. When we first kissed, when we walked on the beach, when we slowly danced in my living room, and when we would stare into each other losing ourselves to each other.

What hurts the most is now feeling that for someone else. It feels like I am cheating on myself. But sometimes all I want is to hear your voice.

[codenamesticky]

After I broke down yesterday in my car on my lunch break. I picked my ass up and went back to work.

You don’t get the same me twice. The second version comes with zero emotions

[reese-sev]

Love Hip hop and RnB? Check this track out! It’s a mixture of today and yesterday.. Besides that let’s support local artists! 

[madc0w]

Listen/purchase: lovelost by motifs

[19xxfelix78]

Hold the one's that love You closer than the one's you love.

[onecrazywhiteboy]

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