#maddening the world is day bay day and wondering how we can collectively kill someone about it already.

[nonbinarygamzee]

sorry to reassert this as my personal space as a deeply traumatized person coming to be unwell about a character that functions as a metaphysical link to basically every bad thing thats every happened to me. like not sorry enough to not do that but lmao. ugh same discussion ive had to myself endlessly from like age 15 but truly i do get so tired of being unable to connect with anything else the way i can this because i do not think it is a fun or positive connection whatsoever i am just always always the kind of person who cannot help but prod when i notice an ache. the events that sort of drove me back into this shit in the first place is technically not occurring and cannot because i am very thankfully not There anymore but the past year has been like so fucking much retraumatization specifically in ways that relate to assault and the abuse thats swallowed most of my life, and how alien and wrong it feels trying to speak to anyone at all after the fact. all of the things that solidified this inability to let Go and yet that kind of make me feel even more insanecrazy in my head about the idea i am somehow the one orchestrating my own fucking downfall via planting the reality of these traumas into my writing. which doesnt help me set this stupid comic down either i just get weird ocd fear obsession that ensures im going to be as on edge as possible at all times. its not like ive never struggled with the feeling something cant hold my thoughts the way this can. things can and do Mean more, can and do make me happier, i guess. but that isnt what i get out of media. but said Events have made my previous projects entirely untouchable and in the throes of suicidal desperation i moved across the country thinking there was support where there was not and now daily life is increasingly weird and also very very very unfull of Things to occupy the brain to keep it from the fucking self lacerations.