#man maybe i should make a patreon for bonus content

[onlymingyus]

Somebody [SVTHUB world tour collab] (teaser)

pairing; choi seungcheol x f!reader

genre; smut (minor dni), fluff, angst, romance, fake dating au

summary; When you need someone to help you out of a bind quickly, you pick the first person you see to be your “boyfriend”, you just didn’t expect it to be your single hot dad neighbor, Choi Seungcheol…

content warnings; single father!seungcheol, teacher!reader, seungcheol has a child (obviously), eating/drinking, jeonghan/joshua (implied relationship but not stated), betting metioned, alcohol, medical field - doctor!seungcheol, doctor!joshua, mentions cheating in past relationship, mentions death/accident of spouse - widow!seungcheol --- i am sure there are more, if there is anything important you want me to add let me know

smut warnings; unprotected sex (birth control mentioned), creampie, fingering, oral (f receiving), begging, crying (pleasure), multiple orgasm, lots of pet names, marriage kink, seungcheol carries the reader and is larger than the reader, manhandling, shower sex...again if I miss something let me know.

w/c; 25.2k and some change (623 extra words for patreon bonus) [1.1k this teaser]

svthub world tour masterlist

a/n; thank you to my @junkissed for proofreading for me once again, i love you so so much. i really hope you guys enjoy my little addition to the svthub world tour and those on tumblr will join me in Barcelona for the bonus 💕

this fic will be released 7/15 at 3 pm est to read it now subscribe to my patreon and click here

Forcing a smile on your face after a long day, you stand up as the bell rings and parents start to move into the room to collect their children. Taking your time, you note each one, telling them to have a good evening and that you will see them in the morning. 

It wasn’t that you hadn’t enjoyed your day, but you could feel a headache behind your eyes and fifteen screaming five year olds was a lot for anyone. So as the numbers started to dwindle, you could feel the anxiety starting to fade from you. 

“Hey, buddy!” 

Glancing up as Matthew squeals happily, you watch him run towards a slender but fit man that you vaguely recognize. Perhaps he had been on Seungcheol’s walls in one of the pictures, but you didn’t have a name to put—

“Uncle Jeonghan!”

Ah, so this was Uncle Jeonghan that Matthew talked about so much. Picking up your clipboard, you furrow your brows, moving over to him and the man as you quickly make sure the man’s name is listed as someone authorized to pick up. 

“Have a good day? This must be Miss Y/N that your daddy talks about all the time.” 

Lifting your head from the clipboard, you meet the man’s eyes as your cheeks start to burn. Opening your mouth, you close it quickly as he smirks at you and ruffles the boy's head as he clings close to him. 

“I—Yoon Jeonghan? If you could just sign for Matthew, since you're not his legal guardian and only listed as an authorized person, it’s policy.” 

Taking the clipboard from you, Jeonghan grins as you seem to shy away at his words. He could see the appeal. You were beautiful and seemed responsible. You were exactly Seungcheol’s type. 

“No problem; Y/N. Cheol had to work in the ER today so here I am to save the day. I honestly don’t know why he didn’t just ask you to bring him home.” 

Scoffing in surprise, you watch as Matthew gasps and looks up at you like a new toy. 

“That’d be so cool! Miss Y/N, can you one day? I can show you my toys.” 

Not wanting to disappoint the boy, you give him a strained smile and meet Jeonghan’s eyes, realizing he was an enabler. Seungcheol should have warned you about him, but maybe he didn’t even realize how your first meeting with him would go. 

“Maybe… I’m your teacher, Matthew. We play at school—” 

“Well and his neighbor and his daddy’s girl—” 

Shaking your head, you watch as Jeonghan bites his lip to stifle a laugh before nodding and holding up his free hand as a way of surrendering. Apparently Seungcheol had shared some details of your “relationship” with his friend. You wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out, but you had a feeling this man was the type to pull you out and back into the spotlight. 

“Maybe one day, Matthew... but let’s not get our hopes up.” 

Pouting up at you, Matthew just nods and moves away from you both to go get his things. Letting out a breath, you take back your clipboard and put it down on a shelf behind you as you and Jeonghan glance towards the small boy as he pulls on his jacket. 

“He’d let you take him home.” 

Furrowing your brows, you glance over at Jeonghan and shift on your feet at his words and the implication behind them. Noticing how you seem to nervously shift from foot to foot, Jeonghan smirks and glances down at his phone in his hand, answering a text from Seungcheol as he speaks to you. 

“One day he’ll man up and ask you out for real. This fake dating shit—” 

“Don’t curse in my classroom, please.” 

A laugh slips from between his lips as he glances up from his phone to offer you an apologetic smile before nodding and continuing. 

“Sure, sorry. As I was saying, this fake dating nonsense you two have going on right now isn't going to work. I can already tell you like him.” 

Insufferable. That's how you’d describe Yoon Jeonghan. You had known him for less than ten minutes and already you knew he was going to be an issue in your life. Crossing your arms, you start to sigh into your words, a dramatic big breath, when Alex’s voice once again ruins your moment. 

“Matt, buddy, let me help.” 

Jeonghan watches as your head moves like prey sensing a predator towards the other teacher, who was now helping Matthew with his bag. His eyes move to his godson’s face as he grimaces as the man tugs on the straps, keeping them tight on his arms. 

“He’s fine, Mr. Alex. Thank you.” 

You still sounded like yourself, with that sweet tone to your voice, but even Jeonghan could hear the hint of malice behind it. So this was Alex, and now Alex thought it was okay to mess with Seungcheol’s son. The “fake” dating made sense. This man did not understand boundaries and used everything in front of him as an open door. 

Stepping in front of Alex, you smile at Matthew and the smile transfers to the boy’s face. Jeonghan feels relief wash over him at the sight as you kneel down, adjust the straps back to where they were and then tie his shoe properly. 

“I was just helping out a student, Miss Y/N.” 

Oof… There was so much tension in this room that even Jeonghan felt like he was going to drown in it. Stepping forward, he clears his throat and offers his hand towards Matthew, letting him take his fingers. 

“And while I’m sure she appreciates that, and the parents do... I don’t know you, Mr. Alex, was it? From where I was standing, some strange man was touching my godson, which honestly made me nervous for a moment. I’d be more careful; this isn’t your classroom.” 

Standing up, you feel your cheeks burn under Alex’s eyes as he looks to you to defend him, but you don’t. Jeonghan had a point. Not every parent or guardian knew who all the teachers were, not even the students knew the other teachers. Simple acts could be misunderstood and while he was doing something to “be nice” and it was innocent, you knew there was another reason he was inserting himself into your and Matthew’s lives. 

“Well, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. My classroom is right down the hall. I was just coming to see Miss Y/N. We are very close.” 

Jeonghan just smirks at the man and shoots you a glance before looking at his phone and seeing a reply from Seungcheol. 

“I’m sure you are.” Dismissing the man, he looks at you and smiles brightly. “Y/N, dear… Cheol asked me if you wouldn’t mind helping me with Matthew once you get home? I’m an awful cook.” 

Opening his mouth to say something, Alex stops when Matthew squeals with delight and grabs at your shirt, begging you to come over. 

Another point to you and Seungcheol. 

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[bullet-prooflove]

Song prompt for Manny Perez

But I miss you in the mornings when I see the sun

Something in the orange tells me we're not done

The first morning after you and Manny sleep together, he finds himself waking up alone, the sheets cold, your perfume embedded in his pillows. This is how your relationship begins, with great sex and no expectations.

Manny knows he should be grateful for it but he isn’t. A lot of men would kill for this arrangement but he’s not one of them, not with you.

“I missed you this morning.” He tells you when you run into each other at Smokey’s.

He’s ordering breakfast when you enter the bar dressed in a waterproof jacket over a white woollen sweater. Your hair is pulled back into a ponytail away from your features, your cheeks are flush and your eyes bright. You look energised, invigorated. The scent of clear water and fresh air clings to your skin.

“Do you mind if I join you?” You ask and he gestures towards the seat. “I went kayaking this morning, I wanted to watch the sun rise over the lake.”

It sounds beautiful, sitting out there, drinking in the tranquillity around you. Manny wishes he could have been there, experienced that with you.

“Maybe I’ll come with you next time.” He says, his gaze fixed on the menu. He doesn’t dare look at you, he’s convinced that he’ll betray himself, that you’ll see the longing written all over his features.

“Next time?” You say softly and he clears his throat before he sets his menu down.

“Do you want there to be a next time?” He asks you, his elbows coming to rest upon the table.

“I think that is a complicated question.” You say, toying with one of the sugar packets from the ramekin.

“It doesn’t have to be.” He tells you, his eyes meeting yours. “I don’t want to be the man you fuck when you feel like it, I want to be the man you make love to, the one you can’t stand to be without.”

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

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[justsome-di]

Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs: Chapter 10

Summary: Alex is an ordinary, highly-introverted office worker. He clocks in and out and goes home to his little apartment he shares with his younger sister. He hasn’t dated in years. Until his co-workers set him up on a blind date.

The only issue is he and his date are not on the same page. At all.

While Alex thinks it’s a normal date, Damián is under the impression Alex is a client who paid to be there. No-so-quickly, they realize something is up. It’s all a prank. Damián is a sex worker Alex’s co-workers hired as a sick joke.

After reassuring that they’re both okay, Alex decides he wants revenge for both him and Damián. The plan is to use the stigma of sex work and start a 6-week, scandalous fake dating scheme with a big finale at the office Halloween party. Alex’s co-workers will be too horrified to try to prank him again. At least, that’s the plan.

You can also read this on AO3, or Patreon (patrons also get chapters a week early along with bonus content). If you’re enjoying the story and want to support me in other ways, I do have a ko-fi! Or consider dropping me a message in my inbox or reblogging this post!

chapter warnings for eating disorders

Some nights Damián wished he still smoked.

The habit had been comforting. Stepping outside, pulling out a cigarette, cupping his hands around it to light it against the wind. There was routine to it. Whenever he had a bad day, he could always stand on the sidewalk and breathe in the nicotine and tobacco, and it would wash over him like a heavy blanket. It was simple. Easy.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Stub out ash before his fingers burned.

It always took the edge off his appetite. Whenever hunger pangs were beginning to twist at his insides, he would stand on the stoop of his building and go through cigarettes until his vision lagged when he turned his head, and he could return to his apartment without needing to think about food again for a few more hours.

Christian hated it when they dated. He complained whenever he nuzzled his nose into Damián’s hair and could smell the thick musk of smoke. He refused to stop on their dates so Damián could pick up a new pack, and he would make a point to frown whenever Damián excused him from a room.

But Damián cherished those moments when he stood in the dark, under the single light outside by his apartment's front door. Sometimes he was alone, and he loved the solitude. Sometimes, someone would stand beside him, scrolling through their phone and puffing quickly just to get the buzz going. His neighbor, Danny, would speak to him if he felt like it.

More often than not, Danny didn’t. No matter how often Damián would try to start a conversation, finding joy in annoying the grumpy, older man.

Damián liked sharing cigarettes with clients after appointments. It felt cliche, but he liked that cliche. He liked leaning over, either accepting their flame or flicking it up for them. It was like a bookend to the intimacy. A proper closing.

But he quit smoking years ago. No matter how much he itched to reach for his bedside nightstand now, he knew there wouldn’t be anything to grab. Just a copy of Giovanni’s Room, headphones, and odd pocket change he had no idea where else to scatter.

Damián stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom and thought that he should hang a plant there somewhere. But maybe the ceilings were too high in his apartment. Getting a plant hung up would be one thing but taking care of it would be another. He would have to dust it up there, water it. He would have to climb up to take it down every so often to shower and inspect it.

Still, a spider plant or a pothos would be nice. It would be something to look at rather than dull white paint.

Damián sort of liked being self-destructive. He liked burning up on the inside so intensely and then sizzling out once all of his energy was spent. It was like a sprint.

When his eating thing returned every so often, it was always with some excitement. Some adrenaline. He couldn’t lie to himself. Plans for counting calories and restricting his food always, briefly, gave him something to look forward to. Like he was at the starting line, hands pressed to the hard rubber of the track, legs ready to push himself forward to the finish.

And then, once he settled into the diets, every time, he felt like he lost a part of himself. A stumble. A fall. A roll across the finish line, bruised and skin rubbed raw.

Maybe he’d get lucky someday, and he would be a completely different person.

He didn’t know why he fell into fits of enjoying his self-destruction except he guessed he liked the idea of one day someone coming up to him and, seeing his pain, offering to help.

If he suffered enough that someone noticed, he might feel like he had permission to cry. If someone saw him in pain, then that meant that someone saw him. Someone was seeing him and noticing him, and they cared enough to take him in his arms.

They would see all of him.

They would see him as a mess. They would see all of his flaws.

But it never happened.

When someone did mention it—the fact that he was pushing his food around, that he was claiming a little too often that he had already eaten—he brushed it off. When Leo asked for the second time if he was sure he didn’t want dinner, Damián thought that it wasn’t fair to burden his little brother with his problems. Diego was just a client, and Damián couldn’t break the illusion he paid for.

Danny, across the hall, was all rough edges, and he was never sure what to say, though Damián was certain he noticed his fluctuating weight. A hesitant flick of a cigarette to knock off ash. A long look up and down. But Danny never said anything. 

Christian had his own problems, and the two of them had been caught in a spiral of enabling each other.

Alex—

Alex would be out of his life soon enough. It didn’t matter what Alex thought or did.

Damián hadn’t found the right person to save him yet, apparently.

And he never got so bad that a complete breakdown would demand attention and energy from someone around—something he really wanted. He wanted to absolutely implode on himself so that someone would rush to him and be forced to take him all in.

Once, with Christian, he got close. One particular bad week led to a fight and then their breakup. Christian was so caught up in his own feelings that he didn’t see Damián’s cries for help. He didn’t see that Damián’s sudden moodiness, his need to get a rise out of Christian, was him begging him to stay and work things out and just hold him.

Damián just wanted to be told it would be okay. That a fight had an ending. That he should really try to eat something.

Instead, Christian responded with his own hurt. His own need to be told that things would be okay. His own implosion that was demanding attention that Damián didn’t have.

And Damián guessed that that just happened sometimes. They added fire to one another. They burned bright together. It was inevitable that one day they would consume and engulf everything around them until there was nothing else. 

Damián wished he still smoked. He would kill for a cigarette, the musky smell of burning nicotine. He wanted to choke. He wanted to stand in front of the building and have his and Danny’s ash mix on the ground before they turned back inside, silent.

It would kill the hunger pang gnawing at his insides.

Damián’s phone buzzed against his pillow. He heard it, muffled but strong, through his cheek.

He grabbed it, hoping it would be a text that could distract him from his spiral.

An update is ready. Restart your phone.

He swiped the notification away and returned his eyes to the ceiling. There was no one left, he presumed, to check in on him. And maybe that was his fault. People didn’t flock to forest fires when they refused to stop burning.

A pothos would be nice. Right in the corner of his room. A pothos and a step stool.

[fefairys]

chapters 22 and 29 of bcbgl now contain links to the extended cuts of the sex scenes for the 18+ crowd who wanna see all the sexy sexy details <3

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Dear Evan Hansen

You may have seen some ~online discourse~ about the film Dear Evan Hansen, an adaptation of the 2016 Broadway musical, and you might have wondered what all the hubbub is about. I mean, it’s a feel good story about a senior in high school, Evan Hansen (Ben Platt), who has some pretty severe anxiety and depression. While trying to fulfill an assignment from his therapist to write a letter to himself, his letter gets picked up by another student, Connor (Colton Ryan) - and later that day, Connor kills himself. Connor’s grieving parents and sister Zoe (Amy Adams, Danny Pino, and Kaitlyn Dever) are desperate to learn more from the boy they think was Connor’s best friend - after all, Connor’s suicide note was a letter addressed to “Dear Evan Hansen.” And, as you can imagine, Evan tells them about the unfortunate mistake and sits with them in their grief as they struggle to pick up the pieces of their lives. 

Just kidding! He lies to them, repeatedly, elaborately, expansively for months, constructing an entire false friendship with Connor that never happened, and ingratiating himself into the wealthy nuclear family he never had, in large part because he wants to get into Zoe’s pants! THIS IS THE PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY. Oh, and it’s a musical so there is a lot of singing and crying and singing WHILE crying and sometimes crying and not singing at all. But the #inspiration, you guys. 

Things I liked:

Pretty much everything but the story and Ben Platt’s performance. The supporting cast is stacked, and all of them do a great job at elevating material scraped directly out of a diaper worn by someone who just chewed their way through a copy of the DSM-5. 

A couple of the songs are damn catchy - “Waving Through a Window” and “You Will Be Found” are standouts for a reason - and here’s the thing, Platt sings them well. But as you’ll discover, there’s a lot more to a movie musical than just singing your part. 

Stephen Chbosky, the man behind every deep thought I and a lot of people in my generation had in 2006 after he wrote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is a pretty good director. I particularly enjoyed the fanvid-type cuts in “Waving Through a Window” in conjunction with the lyrics, and his use of interstitial shots to flashbacks (and sometimes flashforwards!) is a neat little bit of shorthand that I thought was used sparingly enough to be effective. 

Amy Fucking Adams. She’s holding on so hard, so desperately to the idea of who her son could have been, rather than the reality of who he was, and she is full of such deep pain that is masked by an almost endless supply of patience with Evan and relentless positivity. All this made me want was Enchanted 2 even worse than I already did. 

Super into everything Zoe wears - the costuming department did a great job, and now all I want to do is live in mom jeans and baggy sweaters.

Did I Cry? I teared up a couple of times because I’m not a completely heartless bastard and when Amy Adams offered Evan Connor’s college money, my heart broke for the lie Evan had thrust upon her, and Julianne Moore’s song got me good, because she’s just a single mom to Evan who is doing her goddamn best. 

Things I hated more than the time I dropped a frozen gallon container of fruit cocktail on my pinkie toe in my parents’ garage and it turned black and I thought it was gonna fall off:

Ben Platt is 28 years old. He originated the role of Evan Hansen on Broadway, so in many respects it makes sense that he plays the role in the movie, except for the one kinda sorta important thing where he looks like a wizened old crone standing amongst a sea of children doing his best twitching, cringing Hunchback of Notre Dame impression. If you want someone to convincingly play 20 years their junior, hire Paul Rudd. Otherwise, please don’t ask me to believe that this supposed 18-year-old has crow’s feet. 

And that twitching nervous energy is a huge part of the black hole at the center of this film - he’s playing to the cheap seats and walking through the halls of his high school like a wet chihuahua. It’s an excruciating acting choice to watch - he doesn’t just have anxiety, he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown seemingly every second of every day. Like honestly, where is only-mentioned-never-seen Dr. Sherman, because this young man’s meds are NOT WORKING DR. SHERMAN. 

There’s such a lack of self-awareness on behalf of the writing, directing, and performance by Platt. There’s one song, “Sincerely, Me,” that offers the only glimpse of commentary about what Evan is doing, by pointing out the malicious ridiculousness of him writing a series of fake emails as proof of his and Connor’s friendship. 

Also what high schoolers email this much?? I know this was written in probably 2014 or so, but has a bitch never heard of a text? Even a DM? This whole plot is constructed around the premise that high schoolers are just constantly, constantly emailing each other. 

Everything - and I mean EV-ER-Y-THING - about Evan’s relationship with Zoe is so creepy and disturbing that with a soundtrack change, this could easily be a horror movie. He attempts to get her to like him by describing to her all the things her brother noticed about her - oh wait, I’m sorry, all the things HE noticed about her while he was skulking in the shadows following her around for years, watching every move she made, and it ends with him singing repeatedly “I LOVE YOU” because following a girl around and never having a conversation with her or knowing her at all is love, right? This was clearly written by the same people who chose “Every Breath You Take” as their wedding song because Sting is hot and they never actually listened to the damn words. 

And it gets about 10 billion times worse when Zoe goes to Evan’s house alone, takes him up to his room, and sings “I don’t need reasons to want you” and that was the moment I was that person I hate in a movie theater and I pulled out my phone to Google who wrote the music and lyrics to the musical (we were in the back row of the theater no one was behind me THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE EMERGENCY) and of motherfucking course it was written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, 2 men who heard about meeting an actual human woman from a friend one time but otherwise are unfamiliar with the concept. 

Lastly, enormous serial killer vibes from Evan sending unlabeled flash drives anonymously through the mail with no note in an attempt to right his wrongs. That’s not catharsis, that’s how the next installment in the Saw franchise starts, with Evan in a Billy the clown doll mask showing up on the screen and asking if you want to play a fucking game. 

Also, I know it’s not possible for the narrative to justify this in a way that could be satisfying based on Evan’s actions, but what is with this thing where single working-class mom Julianne Moore is turning down rich people’s money for Evan to go to college? Like, obviously we can’t have that happen in the movie but in real life, fuck your pride! Take those rich people’s money!

I also know how movies work but nothing annoys me more than a giant group of high schoolers all getting beeps and boops to indicate text notifications all at the same time because I don’t know a single person under the age of 55 who keeps their ringer on. That shit is on vibrate AT MOST, and I feel like that’s a millennial thing. 

The emotional climax of the film is obviously Evan’s WAY TOO LATE confession, but the idea that it’s prompted by Connor’s family suddenly getting a lot of internet hate is, frankly, laughable. If Sandy Hook taught me one thing, it is that no tragedy is immune from trolls who live only to cause other people devastating emotional pain on the internet. That shit starts day 1. Apparently no one involved in this production has ever been on Twitter?

Also it feels like there should have been a dog somewhere in this movie and there was no dog, so points off for that too. 

Perhaps Dear Evan Hansen isn’t nearly as deep as it aspires to be. Perhaps it’s a morality play, a simplistic message of “Don’t lie, kids, lying is bad!” Major studio movies wrap themselves up with a nice bow at the end so everyone can feel good about themselves and leave with a happy ending, but the moronic cruelty on display here makes that feat feel impossible. We’re left with Evan in an orchard, reading Connor’s favorite books and staring into the big blue sky with all the self-actualization he’s earned now as a lil treat. And if Evan Hansen looked like an actual 18-year-old, it would be a lot easier to extend more empathy to him and his not-fully-developed prefrontal cortex, but it’s a little harder with this fully-grown, weathered man who was old enough to remember seeing Liar Liar in theaters. 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

Get some actual help and a haircut and maybe you can grow up enough to have an actual healthy interaction with any other living person, ever.

Sincerely, 

Me

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[nobody-knose--archive]

i’ve been aching to commentate spirit phone’s commentary for ages. glad i finally got around to it, this was an ejoyable experience. liveblog below the cut

-i'm like half certain i've heard this commentary before. maybe not the whole way through & it was probably actual years ago

-nice hearing stuff like this. in-depth personal view of the album-making process. makes it seem like more of a real thing i could do myself someday

-neil cicierega real person momence

-i could probably go real in depth about neil cicierega/tally hall parallels specifically concerning like. the arc of their musical careers. but i won't, here

-wild how i legitimately don't care much about micheal jackson

-didnt we get a bunch of spirit phone stems from the needlejuice release/his patreon? we could probably hear the funny track he speaks of here in that

-i love hearing musical artists, especially neil cicierega, talking about the meanings of their songs. like, not only has this song been claimed to hell & back by the tumblr gays, but with later ones i just can't see where he gets these ideas from. also, claiming there's any one meaning or plot to a song just seems silly to me

-shoutout to neil reusing a midi from like, 1998, that he made at 12 years old, whose entire melody was reused for the main verses of everybody loves raymond. loved finding that out on my own 2 years ago. now it's common trivia in this fandom. not bad times

-it'd be neat if neil did individual trans tracks here like he did with view monstel, those things are half of why i consider it my favorite album

-it's a lot easier to ignore the creator's intended meaning behind a song when he can't even remember it. thanks neil

-seesaw effect

-and there's my joke all but 1 of my followers wont get. moving on

-what kinds of movie theater lobbies has neil been to where there are arcade machines. i mean im not one to talk but that does sound rather strange

-why do songs' titles even need to be taken from the lyrics. ive never seen that as any sort of requisite. it's like titling any form of prose you can just give it whatever name ya like

-"this part sounds pretty cool right"

-is neil's vocal range only mildly better than mine? with training i could change that

-oh i haven't processed any of the last 25 seconds hold on

-god. a shit ton of vocal modification in this song. it's like neil returned to his roots but with quality this time

-i, as an ace/aro, have never related more to an allohet guy in my life. what is the point of eyes!

-professional humming/whistling takes skill. it's different from the recreational or casual stuff. i'd know

-there's a name for the way sound (especially music) gets distorted when moving past you and i can't remember it but it's probably what neil's referring to here in the way he recorded the intro

(- update: it's the doppler effect no need to tell me cas already did)

-as someone who hasnt seen the rugrats or take me there by blackstreet i'll just say it sounded like a bouncy music box melody. nice to hear a song that messes with the typical scales though. lydian & diatonic.

-that's a rather specific thing to be glad about, but given what he talked about in his last full audio commentary about the jew harp i suppose i'm not surprised

-i know that tmbg song now. listened to it & saw the music video too. yep they're different alright

-where the hell does neil get all these instrumence from anyway

-huh. hadnt heard this part of the commentary before making my oc concerning this song but i like to hear neil's approval concerning part of my interpretation

-i love how ive heard a billion different tellings of this mellified man story from lem dem fans talking about this song and neil's is by far the wildest

-good god that does only make it worse neil

-i love making liveblogs of lemon demon albums. with the fullerenes or tally hall i cant name a specific dude to take out my woes on generally but with lemon demon i can just say neil all the time. i like being on a casual first name basis with this dude ive never interacted with once ever

-is sweet bod the one other than cabinet man with a demo in the bonus tracks? i forget

-holy shit the boston molasses disaster someone call up soapy if it doesnt already know, it'd love this

-two thousand nine. god i miss the fiddle solo. the ver with it is truly the best one

-he pronounces it jeff? i've always read it as gef with a hard g. that's what i get for knowing words that are never spoken aloud

-that's a fun meta interpretation of this ghost story that's over a century old. i like that

-i've noticed neil generally does the same synths across a whole album. it's especially more clear in the earlier ones, and does mean i occasionally mix up songs between clown circus & live from the haunted candle shop

-ah! ancient aliens! my least favorite track on this album. i cant even claim to have the least interest in a popular one i've just generally not liked this one much from the beginning. so im curious to see what neil's got to say, i think ive been in ~new commentary zone for a while now

-anyway. newest update on the loolin not realizing a song's funky time signature front: i think this one's in 6/4. or at least switches a lot between time signatures. granted i dont listen to it very often for the reasons stated above

-see the way neil describes it. eldritch horror upon being visited by the unknown at a time when humanity'd hadn't even yet had a chance to imagine such a thing occurring. should be right up my alley. but the sound itself & many of the lyrics simply turn me away.

-must i specify i don't dislike it? spirit phone is neil's best album it not being my favorite doesn't mean i think it's bad yadda yadda nobody should be surprised by this it's not like anyone in these fandoms reads my liveblogs <3

-granted i think this is. the first bit of spirit phone content i've made on my blog ever. so who knows things can change <3

-the transitions in spirit phone are much less view-monster transition tracks & more extended outros. view-monster's were a bit more intro than outro sure but they also seemed directed upon making a 2-way rather than 1-way bridge between tracks. or something like that

-.............soft fuzzy man is an incredible nickname for a cat. i'd steal that if i werent afraid of introducing my relatives to lemon demon

-jirls

-an underlying metaphor is good enough. the literal side of the lyrics are fun. nothing but agreement here neil my good man

-the transition into as your father i expressly forbid it from soft fuzzy man is the best one in this album

-buddy you ask if a musical idea has been used before odds are the answer is yes in this day & age the question is has it been used in the way you're using it. like sure this soul jazz record from the 60s that was sold out in kansas stores for a week used this bassline that youve found yourself copying. but seeing as youre using it in some angsty garage rock ballad type tune does anybody actually care

-doesn't everybody like to say things in an unhinged manner from time to time

-imagine having a guitar dad, i say, with my dad being a folk accordion/fiddle dad, which is infinitely worse in every way

-i think he was in an actual folk band at some point. idk the 90s were weird

-iron my life?

-m-more intimate? there are a lot of ways i'd describe this song but intimate isn't one of them. granted as your father is negatively intimate so from there i guess you've got nowhere to go but up

-...still glad to see his interpretation kinda supports my oc at least

-the way he says characters in songs shouldn't worry about death really strongly makes me think this is some sort of. thematic continuation of stuck from dinosaurchestra, even if there's no real death in there. interesting. would also mean that the dad from these past 2 songs is named carlos betty (no last name)

-i literally never assumed this was a flute solo. piccolo at best. it's pretty clearly a recorder

-my mom plays the recorder. i wonder if she can play recorder better than neil cicierega

-we can throw a party in honor of the crushing weight of responsibility! i simply won't be the one throwing it because i have enough on my plate already <3

-what the hell does "a sense of intent" mean

-i've never heard rush before however i disagree with neil's understanding of 6/4. 6/4 is meant to have emphasis (onbeat or another term i can't remember) on the 1st & 4th beat of every measure, which is greatly different from a measure of 4/4 then a measure of 2/4. it's why his 5/4 always sounds weird, because while it's recognizable in sequences of 10/4, it's more 2 measures of 4/4 with one of 2/4 tacked on the end. that's also how it's different from 3/4. i don't know much music theory but what i do understand i will fight to the death about

-"canonized" that's. a very interesting term to use when referring to a former president

-from now on i will interpret every love song directed at some unseen "you" to be inviting me to marry them for tax purposes. thanks neil for being an aromantic icon

-ah hell yes hell yes man-made object is my favorite goddam song on this album

-short & sweet & good damn vibes. neil's thoughts on it all are only making it better

-wild how he uses very few vocal effects for a song that he clearly is straining his vocal range for. go off neil

-the qualifier of man-made is a wonderful thing. oldest or biggest thing? oldest or biggest man-made thing? what a incredibly important specification. a world of possibilities lie between the two. oh i love it

-just gets me thinking yknow! what we consider weird/impressive in another species, in our own species- what kind of equivalent to that would there be from an outsider looking in? are there alien versions of the significances we place upon things, that we could never imagine? the limits of the human imagination mean we could never conceive of something else in the world that isn't, in some way great or small, just like us- and are we wrong for thinking that? such a juicy topic i wish there were a name for it because it's kinda hard to explain concisely

-spiral of ants. my second favorite song from this album, in fact. a good one to experience

-the vocals are just another instrument. they really truly are. i wasn't going into this commentary expecting to feel solidarity for neil cicierega in this chili's tonight on more than one occasion but here i am.

-like, his whole stance on interpreting songs is something i agree with almost entirely. you can take it at face value, you can dig to their very depths, you can listen to songs without caring what the lyrics mean whatsoever, and those are all fun. & yeah while any of these people can be annoying as one of the types who enjoys gliding on the surface more than anything i find those who dedicate themselves to figuring out the whole meaning of a song over anything else to be both slightly scary & slightly annoying <3 keep up the good work

-i want to make songs for my siblings the way neil makes songs for his sibling(s)

-spinch

-neil really shouldn't be allowed to be this funny like this whole album youre thinking golly! he's just a normal man this neil cicierega! and then he starts listing the cat hacks jokes & you remember he's had ridiculously consistent viral success with all his humorous endeavors and holy shit it's neil cicierega in action talking about his music. god bless you neil

-you're welcome, no problem, my pleasure. good eveternoon, radio audience!

[phcking-detective]

MasterList 2.0

Kiss Prompt Series (all PG)

Angry Kiss – Gavin chases after a perp without backup and gets shot multiple times. He can’t believe his asshole android partner is staying behind to help him instead of catching the perp, but maybe RK900 cares more than he thinks. Maybe a lot more …

Reunion Kiss – Nines returns a day early from an intensive case and stops by Gavin’s favorite coffee shop to get his boyfriend a treat. But Gavin is already there and apparently has the same idea.

Awkward Forehead Kiss – Nines takes care of his sick human partner as best he can, but all human media seems to indicate sick humans need forehead kisses to feel better. Too bad he doesn’t know how to kiss. Luckily, Gavin is happy to help teach him.

Forced Kiss – Nines attempts to break up with Gavin for the detective’s own good. That goes about as well as you’d expect. (NO non-con! Gavin just kisses Nines in the middle of his mental breakdown while he tries to self-isolate.)

Drunk Kiss – Connor and Hank bring in a box of Sumo’s puppies to the precinct Christmas party. When two go missing, Nines tracks them down to find … Detective Reed? He did not realize his maladjusted human partner could be so gentle.

Forehead Kiss – human!Richard is having a bad mental health day and gloomily declares he needs serotonin. android!Gavin and himbo extraordinaire offers to go to the grocery store and get him some.

***

Extra Drabbles (all PG or Teen)

HOT SINGLE ANDROID IN YOUR AREA – Gavin keeps getting spam pop-ups on his computer about hot androids who want to fuck. Until he finally notices they’re now only talking about one single android in particular. Who could it be?

Dumb Ways to Deviate: Cheeseburger – Nines takes Gavin out to eat as a reward for solving a case they’ve been working on for the past 36 hours. When the exhausted human tries to feed him, Nines suddenly experiences–[feelings]??

crush.exe –Nines thinks Gavin is cute. But that’s just objective fact, right? Anyone would think he’s cute. Tina disagrees and diagnoses him with something called a “crush.”

INTRUDER ALERT – Nines visits Gavin’s apartment to discuss a case, but there is an [INTRUDER] wearing an ingenius chocolate scrub mask that confuses his facial recognition software.

Find Familiar -- Nines is the most brilliant wizard of their generation, and when they summon their familiar for the first time, they expect some sort of unique and brilliant creature. Not a short, angry little man with a facial scar and bare feet banging on their door three days later.

Bathtime -- Nines isn’t spoiled, and if he is, it’s only because Gavin keeps giving him everything he asks for. Like “help” washing his hair in the bath.

Love Letter -- Gavin receives an anonymous letter detailing how the sender wants to analyze his skin and catalog his teeth. The two suspects? Well, it was obviously either written by Detroit’s latest serial killer or ... Gavin’s own partner.

Not Alone -- After Gavin gets shot in the side, falls off a building, and breaks two of his limbs, Nines is desperate to see him the moment he's out of surgery. Except the hospital he's at has a "legal family members only" visitation policy to keep out androids. In desperation, Nines calls a very old emergency contact number that lists "Eli Reed" as Gavin's brother--only to suddenly be on the phone with Elijah Kamski himself.

Happiness is a Jealous Android -- Gavin starts hanging out with a new GJ500 for smoke breaks, mutual bitching about work, and maybe a little light flirting. Him and Nines haven’t discussed the thing they have going, and Nines has been busy anyway, so a little flirting is OK, right? Except for when the other android won’t take no for an answer ...

Dumb Ways to Deviate: Birds -- An argument between RK900 and Gavin on whether bats are mammals or birds leads to ... well. What it says on the tin.

updated list of fics in my main reed900 series under the cut!

Reed900 Main Series (all Explicit)

In the Beginning -- 7k words; RK900 follows the orders [stay in room 6459] and [do not interfere] while deviants attack and shut down Cyberlife, and it’s not because he’s “petty” as the deviant Connor accuses. If Cyberlife wanted its help, they should not have forgotten the unit in a storage closet.

Fight Club (but Explicitly Gay This Time) – 2k words; RK900 decides to “discipline” Gavin in the DPD men’s bathroom by spanking and stepping on him. Unfortunately, the disgusting little human actually enjoys it.

Fast and Furious – 5.5k words; Nines notices how competent Gavin is at driving. In fact, he’s noticing a lot about Gavin, which is unfortunate, because he doesn’t know what it means. Maybe slapping the human more will help …

Ain’t Got Time to Bleed – 27k words; Gavin and Nines engage in exciting new activities, like solving a case together, going out for drinks, hustling at pool. Specifically, Nines gets hustled by Gavin, but he pays it back tenfold in the alleyway afterward.

First Blood – 129k words; Gavin and Nines get caught up in a case that’s a lot more complicated than it seems as they run into a Ponzi scheme and a staged suicide, an attempted murder on the journalist who broke the story, and a mysterious android manipulating it all. Even worse, they’re starting to actually kind of like each other too. But will their partnership be strong enough to get them through kidnapping, torture, and safe / sane / consensual sex?

If It Bleeds -- 14k, ongoing; While dealing with the fallout of the WJ700 case, Gavin and Nines also get assigned to the new Android Task Force when they start investigating on their own anyway. But their cases get more complicated as both the IA and FBI hold a grudge, Nines makes new sexual explorations of his own, and Gavin’s ex-boyfriend attempts to reconnect …

***

Bonus HankCon Fic (Explicit)

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This – 66k; Connor determines co-sleeping with Hank will be a productive, healthy venture–and step one on his three year plan to seduce Hank. Unfortunately for him, Hank is a gay, self-destructive old man who manages to fuck up The Plan by both already being in love with him and also refusing to acknowledge that. (75% domestic fluff, 24% sex at the end, 1% Sumo eating food he’s not supposed to)

***

Patreon (shameless promotion)

If you love my reed900 series and want to get chapters sooner, like my drabbles and want patreon-exclusive bonus content, and chapters from THREE of my WIPS, the tiers are $1 / $2 / $3 per chapter, respectively. I post chapters once a week on Sunday ^^

I also take commissions: $10 for 1k / $25 for 3k / $40 for 5k, NSFW and kink friendly, limits are no incest, pedophilia, or rape scenes. just PM me or email arthurofcamelot4@gmail.com if you’re interested ^^

[pigtownchronicles]

Chapter 1.2 - Depot

Cities change. They breathe, and they grow, and sometimes they die, only for a new city to be built on top of it, crushing everything old underneath. This is what Barry was thinking about, as they walked over to Depot, trying to recall the last time he’d gone out to a club. Trying to remember the last time he’d even been in this part of the city. The neighborhood looked so different. The clubs were different, the people crowding around the doors were different. Younger than he was, certainly. At some point, they moved through some liminal space, into somewhere new. The men around them grew a little seedier, a little hungrier, a little more ragged, and women almost disappeared entirely. Someone brushed between him and Dennis in full leather gear--and Barry had to pause and try and remember the last time he’d seen anyone in that much leather out on a sidewalk. Years ago, if ever. When he turned to snap something at the stranger, he found that the man was looking at him, leering really, and then he was gone into the dark, before he or Dennis could muster a word, and they continued on. 

“What was the last club we even went to?” Barry asked him.

“I don’t know.”

“The Grotto, wasn’t it?” Barry answered himself.

Parker laughed. “The Grotto? That place doesn’t even exist anymore.”

“Really?”

“It was for posers anyway. Couldn’t get a blowjob in a corner without bribing a damn bouncer with an extra one, right babe?” Parker said, and squeezed Samuel’s ass, getting a peck on the cheek in return.

The Grotto. Barry had liked the Grotto. It was gay, but it was safe. It was expensive, but you were paying for the instagram selfies, and the clout. Sure, some nights the number of straight girls there outnumbered the gay guys, but where was the harm in that? They all just wanted a night free of straight guys anyway. Sure, Parker was right--if someone caught you with your pants down, and you weren’t hired to be go-going on stage, then you were gonna get thrown out on your ass. But what did they think this was, the 70’s? All red lit back rooms and saunas and AIDS around every corner? Sure, it was cleaned up now, but they were all better for it. Safer. Maybe it had been for posers, but Barry didn’t see anything wrong with a little glamour. He looked over at Dennis, but his husband was just frowning, obviously annoyed at having his preference for a quiet weekend at home further disrupted. Barry found himself feeling defensive and frustrated, thought about defending their current course, but decided against it. He’d dragged them out tonight because he’d wanted to have fun, damn it. Dennis would enjoy it too, probably. If not, it was his fault for being a bore.

Samuel and Parker stopped halfway down a block, and walking behind they nearly barrelled into the other couple. It took Barry a moment to realize they’d stopped because they’d arrived. Depot was not the usual garish bar looking to advertise itself from halfway down the block. He would have never even known it was a bar if not for the black clad bouncer sitting on a stool next to the solid black door, with just a small neon sign hanging overhead. Samuel popped up the steps and made small talk--he apparently had been here enough to be on a first name basis with the staff. They were all waved in, the bouncer didn’t bother checking any ID. Looking around, Barry tried to pin down what space had been gentrified and hollowed out to make this. An old gas station or auto shop? Warehouse? The ceiling was high enough that it got lost in the dark. The music was loud and deep, thrumming through them and the floor. Samuel and Parker led the way towards the bar to get a round of drinks. They were cheap, surprisingly, for a place that presented itself as so hidden and exclusive, and looking around, most of the men were clad in simple gear--denim and leather might be out of fashion outside, but not in here. He would have called it a bear bar, and there were certainly bears in the bar, but it was mixed enough that he hesitated. It was nearly all men, however. He couldn’t remember a time he’d gone to a gay bar with so few women in it, in fact. He and Dennis got whiskey sodas, turned around and found Samuel and Parker talking to someone they didn’t recognize.

“One drink, and then we’re leaving,” Dennis said. 

“You’re such a bore,” Barry said, and he could feel Dennis get a little stiff, though he couldn’t see it in the dark. He hated being called a bore, mostly because he knew he was. He didn’t wait for Dennis to stutter something back--he’d never been good at reading or shade--and joined Samuel and Parker with the fellow he didn’t know.

“--god you’re here, that fucking gallery was such a fucking drag, give me a bump darling, just something to wake me the fuck up, please, I’m begging you,” Samuel was saying to the man, who passed him a little bag of white powder. Barry drew up short as Samuel went to slip away, and he rolled his eyes, “Calm down, it’s just a little coke, not meth. You want some?”

“No thanks, I’m good tonight.”

“Suit yourself,” Samuel said, and sat down at a table to make himself a line.

The fellow dealing stuck out his hand, and gave him a solid grip. He was taller than Barry, but then, most guys were. Not quite as tall or as built as Parker, but handsome and charming with a smile that made your knees a little weak.

“Welcome to the Depot boys, the name’s Hugh,” he said, and shook Dennis’s hand as well, “Samuel said your new around here. Anything I can get for the two of you, off menu? Something to make you a little more comfortable?”

Barry hesitated, and Dennis spoke for them, firmly refusing and closing off the possibility entirely. Barry felt himself get a little defensive, both mad that he hadn’t refused faster and confidently, and mad that he couldn’t have a little fun now that Dennis had put his foot down. He’d done his share of shit on the circuit, but while Dennis could tolerate the extramarital sex provided they were both PrEPed to the gills, the drugs he couldn’t abide, and were strictly “don’t ask, don’t tell”. 

Before anything else could be said, Samuel was back up, well bumped, and pulled Barry away. “Come on! Let’s go dance. I want to see how much worse you’ve gotten at it.”

Looking back, he saw Parker pull Hugh away, asking about something, leaving Dennis standing all alone by the table. He tried to wave him to follow, and was mostly certain he saw him wave, but wandered off in another direction. Fine, if he wanted to mope, let him. There were stairs that dropped down to the dance floor, which despite being relatively early in the evening, was already teeming with bodies in various states of undress. It smelled of sweat and alcohol, but the night hadn’t advanced enough for the scent of vomit to mix in. The music was louder but still deep. It unsettled something in Barry’s guts, and though he hadn’t danced in years, he found himself doing his best. Maybe he should have taken some coke, he always danced better with a little coke, or at least cared less. The energy managed to infect him anyway. He was dancing with Samuel at first, and then he was dancing with someone else, a stranger, and another stranger, and then he wasn’t dancing with anyone, he was dancing with everyone. Perhaps it slid into him then. Perhaps it was later. Perhaps it had been in all of them, all along. 

Cities change, but what they don’t tell you, is that it’s not the cities changing, not really. It’s the people who live there. Sometimes on purpose, but not always. As Barry felt himself join the teeming mass of bodies around him, kissing and touching and groping along with them all, losing jacket and then shirt in the throng, he felt something fleeting that he’d missed. Something he hadn’t even really known he was missing. But that small touch, he could feel it, sliding into him, wanting to pull him, warp him, and he found himself terrified, for a moment. But it was just for a night, he told himself. Just a night.

***

Want More? Support me over on my Patreon, and you can get early access, along with bonus chapters, and loads of other content!

[clemkesh]

Hello dear friends the time has come for me to once again recommend everyone go listen to Friends at the Table. What is Friends at the Table (f@tt)? “Friends at the Table is an actual play podcast focused on critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends.” If you’re a fan of TAZ you may have heard Griffin mention it as his personal favorite actual play podcast, so if you don’t take my rec, take Griffin’s. It slaps. It’s super diverse, fun, and compelling, and the care taken with the craft of storytelling throughout just warms my heart. The fact that every f@tt fan I know has a different favorite season is a testament to how great it is- what you like is just a matter of personal taste because it's all good as hell. 

Speaking of seasons, you might be wondering where you should start, because there’s a whole bunch of options! So here’s a brief intro into every season and the reasons you might wanna or not wanna start there.

Season 1: Autumn in Hieron- You could start at the very beginning, if you’re committed to consuming all the f@tt content or really like ghost pirates (who doesn’t?). Autumn is the first part of their Seasons of Hieron series, an ongoing high fantasy saga that features many of the same recurring playing characters. Autumn is definitely a good time, and a great place to start, since it is, ya know, the start, but the audio quality is pretty rough at certain points and it is definitely slower than later seasons. If you want to skip Autumn and still listen to later Hieron seasons, that’s a super valid option, and they have summary episodes that condense the action of the first season for what you will need to know for Seasons of Hieron moving forwards.

Season 2: Counter/Weight- This is where I started! Counter/Weight is the first of their sci-fi seasons, a cyberpunk mech adventure. Unlike Seasons of Hieron, while their sci-fi seasons all take place in the same universe, they take place thousands of years apart and have no repeating characters between them, so you don’t necessarily need to start here at the beginning. Counter/Weight also starts a little bit slow in my opinion, but once it takes off (they swap what game system they are playing with about ⅓ of the way through the season, and they’re much more comfortable with the second system), it TAKES OFF, MAN. Come cry with me about Orth Godlove, come laugh with me about Lazer Ted, and fuck capitalism. Guys, I cannot stress enough how good Counter/Weight is.

Edit- Important caveat, (thank you, @waveridden, for reminding me) C/W has a few they/them characters and the cast does not do a good job remembering their correct pronouns. In later seasons they absolutely improve and multiple cast members come out as trans, but fair warning that this is a definite problem during Counter/Weight. 

Season 2.5: Marielda- This is maybe the most common answer I’ve heard of where to start. Austin, the GM, designed Marielda as a sort of introductory mini-season to what makes Friends at the Table unique. It’s the story of a bunch of knowledge-brokers doing high-stakes heists in an industrial fantasy city. If you want to dip your toes into f@tt before diving in, this is the place to be. It’s a manageable 14 episodes, with two of those episodes being worldbuilding. It’s technically a prequel season to Seasons in Hieron but because it’s a prequel you don’t really need to be familiar with Hieron (Though you may occasionally be confused by a proper noun or two. When in doubt, those proper nouns are the names of gods in the Hieron pantheon. Especially if their name starts with “Sam”). Marielda slaps very hard. Join us, enthuse about TRAIN DAY, and bop to some clarinets. 

Season 3: Winter in Hieron- This is a good place to start if you want to hop on board right into the thick of Seasons of Hieron and prefer fantasy to sci-fi. I highly recommend listening to the summary eps of Autumn, but once you’ve done that you can dive right in. It’s very good. That’s a common theme, every season is very good. There’s some wonderful new characters in Winter and a lot of great worldbuilding. I hope you like moths.

Season 4: Twilight Mirage- The second of their sci-fi seasons, taking place in the same universe as Counter/Weight but way later so you don’t need to have listened to Counter/Weight though you may miss a reference. Where Counter/Weight is anti-capitalist cyberpunk, Twilight Mirage is utopian. It’s an interesting season philosophically (the GM was a philosophy major and it’s time for that to shine) and has a lot of very positive vibes, so start with Twilight Mirage if that sounds like your idea of a good time. 

Season 5: Spring in Hieron- Gonna be real this is the only one you almost definitely shouldn’t start with, since it’s the finale of Seasons of Hieron. But if for some reason you want to, you can listen to summary eps of Winter and Autumn and maybe be okay but like. I wouldn’t recommend it. It is a great season, you just probably shouldn’t start with it.

Season 6: Partizan- The third of their sci-fi seasons, and the one that is currently ongoing. Partizan explores sci-fi politics and revolutions and it features some of my favorite characters in the podcast. Start here if you want to listen along as new episodes are released and participate in the fan culture around that. Once again, you don’t need to have listened to Counter/Weight or Twilight Mirage, but you may miss a few nods. 

Bonus Season!: Bluff City- Bluff City was originally only available for Patreon supporters, but is currently available for free to all! Bluff City is a series of oneshots in wild and funky systems that all coexist in an alternate version of Atlantic City. It explores a lot of topics like crabs, wrestling, censorship, ghost hunting, and teen superheroes. The tone varies wildly from ep to ep based on what system they are playing but it’s always a party. If you just wanna commit to a one shot or two before deciding if you wanna get into f@tt, start here.

TLDR: You’re probably gonna want to start with Counter/Weight (cyberpunk mech season) or Marielda (shorter fantasy heist season), based on your genre preferences, but you could pick pretty much every season except Spring as a good starting point based on your personal taste.

[tripstaysnoided]

Flow Just Like Water

Story and writing-related transparency update and my many shames...

The Question on Everyone’s Mind

“Hey you haven’t updated No Stars over Uptown in almost a year...”

Hmm, I hate it when you’re right. (This section has been rewritten ad-nauseam to curb back the bitchiness by the way)

So back in early/mid 2018, the idea was to divorce Uptown from a person who influenced it (and myself) heavily. She was my most important audience member, the closest friend I ever had, and unfortunately someone who used her power to bully, ostracize, and hurt others with my help. I cut contact when the hurt + some self-awareness finally reached me. Apologies were made and I feel like my work will never be done with it, but there was still Uptown.

Between censored comments, entirely recasting Axel’s save, different plot threads, and a load of disclaimers, there was nothing that would scrub her influence from the story. There was no way to cleanly drop everything because of how deep her influence went. It disgusted me to look back at it, and I had to private the blog because I feared what it endorsed, even if just in the past.

I pulled back from that sims writing community. I had its main thread on the Official Forums removed too (I guess if that was a mystery to anyone). It was a surrender that I never wanted to do, but I had it in my mind that if I was gone, then she wouldn’t be there either. Uptown became this cursed item, and as I quietly retired it, I noticed that she went quieter too. Not gone, but enough to make me sleep easier at night and even occasionally say hello to old friends.

And I hope deep in my heart that no one else is getting hurt in my place, but now this is gonna haunt me all day huh!

The two paths forward...

1) Complete Uptown rewrite that I’ve been threatening everyone with all year. While it won’t ever be clean because I can’t undo time, I do have a sound outline for a story that is much more true to my actual vision and how I’ve evolved, with a few necessary boundaries in place that are going to be there for all stories moving forward: no more casting calls and no more collaborative efforts. I am not going to open myself up to this happening again, even if the people have changed.

2) Same as above, but I continue the original Uptown as a favor to loyal readers alongside the rewrite. I would try to put the effort into it that I initially did, but with no promises on an update schedule and no advertising. I did ask myself “is there Patreon but without pledging money, just the private posts function” but it could operate as part of a private forum, a members-only part of a website, etc.

Also readers of the original would be beholden to a rule of “don’t spoil the rewrite for new readers, c’mon guys”. I mean, not really, but it is a good courtesy to extend to people.

Priority on this isn’t high but you at least will see what is!

I will probably make the blog public again either way due to the many broken links on my Tumblr but we’ll see. There are other things to deal with as I shall list!

Where Life’s Been Regardless

Been spending more time with my grandpa every weekend. Life’s pretty good and he’s warming up to my dogs.

Shiny New Webbed Site

Cucumber Fields Forever is a site I own now. We have a full domain, cucumberfieldsforever.com, a blog with one post, and the framework needed to host stories the way I want to and still through WordPress. The functionality of likes, comments, and following should still be the same but you know...I’ll take feedback too...

The main blog still has an undefined purpose though I do have drafts sitting around about:

The maybe/maybe not hoax band that was on the Metal Archives and the history of Funeral Doom Metal.

The curious case of when Sims 4 babies get their genetics and my only collaboration (read: was talking about it with a friend and might quote her if needed, it’s actually a bit of a doozy)

Amazon.com’s fake dried udon noodles, an actual issue by the way.

Things I’m reading! (This’d be a monthly feature if so)

For the sake of unity, I am thinking of solutions for hosting old and shameful content there including Uptown and for the real fans in my followers feed, Eight Cicadas...a world I totally have plans for too (not really). I don’t want them to be front-and-center, and that’s why I mentioned forums/members-only content. I finally have that power! Maybe.

Ooooh but what are the costs? Not too much to handle, that’s what. 😉 (Like really, I don’t need any hand-wringing about this, I can manage my finances)

Project Queue (In Order of Confirmedness)

Outrun the Scythe: have you seen me post out-of-context Sims 3 pictures? Did you want more? Did you hope it was Linda in Custody? If the answers are yes, yes, and “meh, whatever you want”, then you’re in luck.

Outrun the Scythe is a Sims 3-based tale of a young gay man and his zombie grandma, as they are both offered separate roles of being the undying intermediaries between the world of humans and the influence of a race of space daemons. It’s pretty familiar if you’ve been following me pre-Uptown, taking some cues from stories I’ve kept under lock and key like Eight Cicadas, The Chains of Lyra, and the not-so-locked-up Ironstar Immortals (of which Outrun is just the direct sequel to sans any retconning...ah the smell of early 2013 and performative heterosexuality)

Ah, back to my roots.

It’s a hybrid of gameplay, story, and lore about my little race of daemons with a lot of my own idiosyncrasies that I’m not really ashamed of: basing it off a super-polarizing Sims 3 challenge from a site I moderate, using a lot of EA’s pre-made townies and their genes, lots of unnecessary posemaking, stupid references. It’s a comfort to have in my roster.

While the first few chapters are in the middle of revision, I have around six in the queue and will be making this public when I have ten. I’m guessing December then?

Undocumented Black Widow Challenge: I just did this for fun/forum kudos (yes, in fact I have joined many forums), there was going to be a short story but it was quickly becoming something against my code of ethics. I mean, sims die and all. (read: I had to choose between “heterosexual widow” and “widow with some same-sex marriages that still end in tragedy, reinforcing negative stereotypes to the public for the sake of me not getting bored and detached during gameplay” so there were no good choices. Except for her affair with the mailwoman, 10/10) I hope to finish this before October ends and get my medal on Boolprop, I’m pretty far through it all. I might upload the sims involved anyways. This is for TS4.

I mentioned it because it’s keeping me busy. But not for long!

NaNoWriMo 2020: Dipping my toes into that again! It’s not sims-related, just a tale of lesbians, nosy neighbors, a haunted beach house, and some light murder and kidnapping. And I actually got my brother to scout out locations for me this weekend. If there’s any demand, I can share chapters as the rough drafts are finished, especially for the sake of proofreading.

Not saying I’m publishable, but wouldn’t it be nice? Will keep me occupied for much of November.

Untitled “Dear Diary” Challenge: Tired of feeling left out of the fun on the Boolprop forums, their “Dear Diary” challenge was the one that appealed to me the most on first glance. Why? Probably once I found an idea that let it be set in the early/mid-2000′s to begin with and explore some interesting characters through diary entries (which I have mixed feelings on as a literary device but I think that’s just me saying “well I didn’t like Dracula”, yes you get bonus points for writing it like a diary)

Also writing is the one skill I’m good at across multiple games. Wanna hear me bitch about the cooking skill tree in TS4 or riding in TS3? I’ll spare you.

I guess I could have included “spending time on Boolprop with old and new friends” in where my life has been. It’s a nice lil community if also a place with its own idiosyncrasies as well. So it doesn’t feel like I’m promoting another community if/when I make a thread there for Outrun the Scythe, I want to have a couple chapters of this ready to go by Outrun’s release, though it’s not gonna be the highest priority compared to it nor as long because I think I can blast through the gameplay quickly.

This one will be played in TS4 due to it having the easiest writing skill/I dunno variety is the spice of life. And hopefully another December release.

Defunded or Forgotten?: Oh shit I actually released stuff in 2020 and told no one? I do have a “mortifying ordeal of being known” sinking feeling whenever I get a site hit because it’s not my best work (but good enough) and veered sharply into issues I may be over my head in, though I try to be a good noodle with research and listening. Maybe hiding is bad after all.

Being based off a very flawed and incomplete Sims 3 challenge I found in the annals of the Official Forums, there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes work just making sense of things. And I’m scared of working on reconstructing the house but I haven’t abandoned the project yet. The story has eight chapters so far and is pretty game-based with some additions here and there. Scared of how long it could be though!

Date for this unknown.

Untitled Sunlit Tides Decadynasty: another year-long abandoned TS3 project with a much stupider reason why. Last update was about Hua getting ready for her wedding, and I wanted to do some poses for a bait-and-switch wedding chapter because to put it mildly, her real one was an absolute disaster.

Blender decided to fuck up its interface again, I got discouraged (this probably does account for some of the Uptown delays too), and when I decided to plow forward, it was for other projects instead.

Meanwhile I played all the way to Gen 5′s teenhood and the only thing stopping me is time (it takes almost 30 minutes to load the file right now, though they’ll be looking at moving towns in a couple gens) and maybe fear of the Logic skill.

Date for this also unknown but it’s easy to pump out updates once I’m in the groove for it. My third heir had a difficult life so maybe I’m just trying to bury it.

Also I just noticed the view count there was really good and probably because I linked it here on Tumblr last year. Thank you so much guys. I can’t really fret over views on Carl’s forum these days thanks to the years-long death spiral pretty much every forum anywhere has been riding on. But it’s a nice surprise. And it’s an alright little challenge recap to read during your lunch break or whatever.

The Wawas

I figured I’d end on the real news everyone wants! Both the chihuahuas are a year and a half now and reached their adult size around a year ago. For the most part, they are happy and healthy dogs.

[mankai-onlyfans]

"Hey guys!" Kazunari bursts into the lounge, tablet in hand, and flashes everyone a grin. "Check this out!"

Sakyo looks up, his eye already twitching. "We're in the middle of a meeting, Miyoshi."

Kazu nods, his energy not diminished in the slightest from Sakyo's chilly demeanor. "Yeah, I know! That's why I-"

"Then please let us finish." Sakyo cuts him off, gesturing towards Izumi to continue.

She gives Kazunari an apologetic smile. "Like I was saying guys, we're facing a real problem here. With everyone in quarantine, we can't put on any shows for the time being. It's just not safe."

"And without selling tickets to performances," Sakyo adds. "Our profits will go through the floor."

Sakuya makes a noise of disbelief from where he sits on the couch beside his fellow company members. "What?! But does that mean-"

"All of our hard work, down the drain..." Tsumugi says somberly, his brows furrowed with concern.

Izumi nods. "We can't let this place go bankrupt after all we've done to save it. That's why we have to figure out a way to earn money while everyone is staying home." She looks around the room at the twenty actors, all under her guidance. "Any ideas?"

Kazunari waves his hand around in the air. "Ooh, I have a-!"

"Maybe we could livestream some performances from here." Tasuku suggests. "Like one act plays, people could buy virtual tickets."

"That's a good idea!" Izumi points at him and turns to write it down on the whiteboard.

"But how would we advertise? All we have is the company website." Sakyo points out.

"Oh true." Izumi slumps. "We can't do street acts like we normally would to promote."

"And that's how we garner new fans." Sakyo says. "I guarantee that we would only get a tenth of our usual audience, maximum, without proper promotion."

Izumi hesitantly scribbles down the idea.

"Guys-" Kazunari starts to say, but this time it's Omi who interrupts him.

"What if we record videos and upload them online? Like vlogs and things. They're pretty popular right now, and I could help with filming."

Sakyo shakes his head. "That won't be showcasing our talents as actors. We need something more marketable."

"Guys, what about-"

"I know!" Citron interupts Kazunari this time, and jumps up from his seat. "We could make stuffings of ourselves and sell them!"

"Stuffings?" Tenma looks appalled.

"I am NOT being taxidermied, okay?" Taichi whines, curling up and hugging his knees with a shudder.

"I think he means 'stuffies'. Like plush toys." Itaru chimes in, busy as always on his phone.

"Plush toys?" Muku asks, his eyes lighting up at the thought.

"Yes!" Citron exclaims. "One for each of us. Yuki could sew them! A little Citron, a little Itaru-" he points to himself, and Itaru in turn. "-and a little Muku!" He finishes, leaning over to pat the pink haired boy on the head. "Soft, squishy stuffings!"

"Marshmallows...?" Hisoka asks, only hearing half the conversation.

"Wha-?" Muku blushes, seemingly overwhelmed by the idea. "B-but who would want a plushie of a shrimpy, no-good, wannabe actor like me...?"

Misumi hugs him with a chuckle. "You're not shrimpy, you're fun sized!" He pulls a triangular pebble out of his hoodie pocket and hands it to Muku to comfort him.

Yuki scoffs in agreement. "And if anyone here is a no-good, wannabe actor, it's the hack." He sniffs, shooting a glare in Tenma's direction.

Tenma balks and is probably about to retort when Izumi claps her hands for their attention. "Plushies would be a great idea. But I'm not sure if our fanbase is big enough to want to buy that kind of merchandise."

Sakyo hums his agreement. "We would need to weigh the cost of production with potential sales revenue. But Izumi is right, without a strong enough following, the idea would be a waste of time and effort."

"GUYS!" Kazunari steps into the middle of the room, waving his arms around frantically.

Everyone looks to him, slowly falling silent. "What's up, Kazunari?" Izumi asks.

Kazu lets out a breath of relief, happy to finally have everyone's full attention. "I have the perfect solution!"

"Care to enlighten us?" Sakyo asks, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat.

Kazu nods and whips out his tablet. "We need a way to make money, while still growing our fanbase and showcasing our talents, right?"

"That's the idea." Juza grunts.

"Say no more! I found this great website, where you can make an account and post exclusive content in exchange for moolah." He turns the tablet around and shows it to Sakyo, who adjusts his glasses to examine it. "They have multiple levels of subscriptions, so it's affordable for the casual fan, and super fans can pay more to get more content. Boom! Monthly income, and a way to grow our skills and fanbase."

Kazunari grins proudly at his little speech. Sakyo's brows lift slightly as he examines the price points. "This... might work. What's the name of this website?"

"Patreon." Itaru says, reaching for a sip of his soda.

"Nope! Onlyfans." Kazu replies.

Itaru promptly sprays soft drink all over the couch, as well as Tsuzuru and Banri.

"Ah, shit! Watch it, man..." Banri grumbles, while Tsuzuru wearily hands Itaru a tissue and claps him on the back while he tries to choke in a breath.

"Are you..." Itaru coughs, his eyes watering. "Are you sure that's the best idea?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Kazu asks, perplexed.

"It's just that... people sometimes..." Itaru tries to stammer out what he means to say, uncharacteristically flustered.

"People use that site for all sorts of things." Azuma chimes in helpfully, his hands folded in his lap. "It's very profitable."

"Right? That's what I'm saying!" Kazunari shoots a finger gun and a wink at Azuma, thanking him for agreeing. "It's like, totally a great way to make money. And check it out, the content is exclusive to people who subscribe, so it builds hype and mystery around what's posted."

"Oh, it's no mystery." Azuma chuckles to himself, his eyes glittering with amusement.

"So, what do you say, Frooch?" Kazunari turns pleading eyes to Sakyo. "I'll manage all the networking for it, and I'm sure Itaroon wouldn't mind promoting it either, right dude? You have a bunch of followers!"

At this, Itaru's cheeks turn curiously pink. "I-I'm... people might think..."

Sakyo stands up. "Very well. Miyoshi, you can set up this Onlyfans promotional account for the company."

Kazunari fist pumps the air in victory. Sakyo points a finger at him. "However, I expect you to take this seriously, alright? If I don't see profits by the end of the month, I'm pulling the plug."

"You got it, chief!" Kazu cheers, giving him a salute. Then Sakyo glances at everyone else. "I expect you all to cooperate and do as Miyoshi tells you. He's in charge of this project, but we all have to participate for it to be successful. Remember, this is catered to our audience."

"I'm sure they'll be overjoyed," Azuma smiles cryptically.

Sakyo then adjourns the meeting and leaves, taking Izumi with him to talk about budgeting. The others all chatter over each other, bursting with questions about this new endeavour.

"Whoa, whoa! One at a time, guys." Kazu laughs, thrilled to be the center of attention.

Homare raises his hand. Kazunari gestures for him to go ahead.

"How frequently will we need to post? I require inspiration to make anything truly worthwhile." He chuckles, twirling his hand in the air dramatically. "I cannot create on demand, you know."

Kazunari snaps his fingers. "Cool question. Answer is: whenever you want! Subscribers will be paying the same fee no matter how much we post, but posting more often will get more people talking about us!"

Sakuya raises his hand next. "What kind of content should we make? There's a lot of options."

While considering Sakuya's question, Kazunari either ignores or doesn't hear Itaru choke again. "I'd say we should do lots of stuff! We can post vlogs, like Omimi suggested, and scripted stuff, like Tax's idea. It'll give us good practice and show off our skills."

"What about fanservice?" Azuma says innocently, raising his hand as he does so. "Wouldn't it help us grow closer with our fans if we take their questions and requests?"

"Fanservice! Yes." Kazu agrees.

Itaru purses his lips, his eyes full of alarm he stares down at the carpet.

"You know, that's a good idea." Tsuzuru says thoughtfully. "Even though our fanbase is growing, we haven't really interacting with them on a personal level."

"Trust me, this will make it super duper personal." Kazunari assures him eagerly. Itaru tries to hold in either a laugh or a sob, his lips beginning to twitch from the effort.

"Maybe we should look at some other accounts to get ideas." Masumi suggests.

"Great idea!" Kazunari agrees, lifting his tablet. But before he can search, Itaru and Azuma are both on their feet.

"Don't-!" Itaru snatches the tablet away. "I... I have to get my login bonus." He gives the weak excuse and quickly makes sure Kazunari hasn't accidentally called up any questionable content.

Azuma pats Kazunari on the back, smiling apologetically. "I think we should come up with something unique, without any influence..."

"Y-yeah, sure." Kazunari looks between them, his eyes wide with confusion.

Mankai Onlyfans, now open!

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**Muku, Yuki, Masumi, Tenma, and Taichi are exempt from answering any questions or requests that their director deems too suggestive.

[samsexualdeancurious]

Thanks For Listening | Chapter Two

Square: Free Space

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Words: 1,576

Warnings: hurt!Reader, pining, eventual smut, dirty talk, voice!kink, unprotected sex.

Summary: Sam hosts two podcasts - a secret one for hunters called the War Room and a public one with fellow hunter Y/N called Criminal History. Y/N and Sam have never seen each other, let alone met, but that doesn’t stop Sam from worrying when Y/N suddenly goes missing.

Betaed by @manawhaat 

Written for @spnkinkbingo

Header by me and Mana

Masterlist - AO3

---

"The manager said she never checked out of her hotel room. Her bags and stuff are still here but her car is gone."

Sam leans his elbows on his desk. "Fuck."

Charlie keeps talking. "That Allen guy checked out, though. Think you can track him down through your network while I keep asking around here?"

Thank Chuck, something to do. "Yeah, I'll start making some calls."

"I'm going to head over to the police station. She used her FBI cover, right?"

"Yeah. Agent Warren," Sam says, recalling one of her texts from her arrival in the town. "And her partner Agent Sanders."

"Good to know. Go make those phone calls. I'll update you on what the cops tell me."

After hanging up with Charlie, Sam begins making calls to a variety of hunters. He starts with ones he knows fairly well, specifically those who tend to hunt in the western states, and works his way out from there until finally - finally - he finds someone who can give him the number he needs.

"Hello."

The voice is gruff but Sam gets the feeling that man is young - probably mid-twenties.

"Is this Allen Burton?"

"Who's asking?" The man is clearly cautious, a common trait among hunters no matter how young they may be.

"This is Sam Winchester."

He can practically hear Allen straightening up, snapping to attention. "Shit. Sorry. Hi. I, um. I didn't know it was you, sir."

Sam can't stop himself from rolling his eyes. Great. Another fanboy 

"What can I do for you?" Allen asks.

Sam gets straight to the point. "Where is Y/N?"

There's an audible gulp. "She, uh - she's in the hospital."

---

Charlie finds her in the ICU of St. Mary's Medical Center in Colorado.

"She's going to be fine," Charlie assures him. Sam has collapsed into a chair in the library, overwhelmed with relief. "She's in a medical coma right now but the doctor says she should be ready to wake up in a few days. I'm going to stick around until she does."

Sam's glad he's alone in the library right now - no one can see the way he frantically scrubs at his eyes, relief flooding through him. "Did the doctor say what happened?"

"He doesn't know for sure - top secret FBI stuff, ya know - but he said she lost a lot of blood and had a pretty nasty head injury. They actually transferred her here about a day after she was admitted to that hospital in Utah. That's why I didn't find her when I looked there. St. Mary's has a better trauma center and ICU, and the doctors in Utah wanted to make sure she was getting the best care possible. Ya know, with her being FBI and all,” Charlie smirks. “So they had her sent here."

That fact makes Sam feel better. He's still itching to grab the Impala keys and drive out there, even though he knows Dean would kill him for taking the car without asking, and Y/N probably wouldn't want him there anyway. After all, they haven't even met in person yet.

At least she'll have someone familiar around when she wakes up.

"I'll have her call when she's ready to," Charlie offers, oblivious to Sam's inner turmoil.

"Thanks, Charlie. I really appreciate you doing this."

"It's not a big deal. She's my friend, too. Plus, it's easier to keep her cover if I stick around. I can't believe Allen just left her."

At her mention of the young hunter, Sam grits his teeth. Allen had dropped Y/N off at the hospital, spouted off some story about her being injured on the job, and then left town without a backward glance or letting anyone know what happened. Apparently, Allen wasn't even there when Y/N was injured. They were separated once inside the nest and he found her unconscious in a pool of blood.

"I've been letting people know that Allen isn't a reliable hunting partner," Sam tells Charlie. "It's not that I want him to hunt alone or anything. I just want people to be aware."

"Smart. I'll let my own network know. I'm gonna go grab some food and find a room for the night. I'll text you an update in the morning."

---

Charlie keeps Sam informed on Y/N's condition over the next few days, including that the doctor has decided to take her off the medication keeping her unconscious. He has to fight to keep himself from pacing a hole in his bedroom floor, deciding to focus on editing a few bonus episodes of Criminal History to stay busy.

On day four, his phone rings in the middle of lunch. He snatches it up when he sees Charlie's name on the screen, ignoring Dean's curious glances.

"Hello?"

"Hiya, Chief."

The relief that washes over him at the sound of her voice is like a physical weight being lifted from his chest. "Y/N," he says, abandoning his sandwich and instead hurrying to lock himself in his office. "You're awake. I was so worried."

"I'm sorry for worrying you." Her voice is soft, a little embarrassed.

"It's not your fault. You're only human. What happened? Allen couldn't tell me."

Y/N sighs. "Allen and I were separated and a couple of vamps got the jump on me. I guess I hit my head pretty hard 'cause I don't remember anything after that. I'm sorry, Sam. I should've been more careful."

"Hey." Sam keeps his tone low and soothing. "It's okay. You're okay. Just promise me something?"

"Okay?"

"If you're ever facing a case like this solo again, please call me."

Sam doesn't try to hide the desperation in his voice and she clearly picks up on it. When she speaks, her tone is soft and genuine.

"I promise."

Sam nods, practically falling into his office chair. He finds himself staring down at the planner he left open last time he was in here - the one where he uses to organize and schedule everything that deals with Criminal History.

"How long does the doctor want you to stick around?" he asks.

Y/N huffs. "A few more days for tests and stuff so he can make sure I'm definitely okay. Then he wants me to take it easy for at least another week. I'm gonna die of boredom."

Sam smirks. "Not if Charlie brings you your laptop. We've still got a show to run, partner. That means research."

Y/N groans. Sam rolls his eyes. She would be perfectly content if Sam did all the research and prep and she just had to read his notes and record. 

"That head injury didn't change too much," he teases.

"Shouldn't being in the hospital excuse me from research?" Her pout is audible.

Sam chuckles. "Have Charlie pick you up a new phone so you don't end up stealing hers. I'll talk to you later."

---

You hate to admit it but Sam is right. You definitely would have died of boredom without being able to do research for the podcast.

The emails full of article and video links that Sam sends end up being a welcome break in the monotony, especially since he’s decided to do most of the research for you (this time). It's not the most exciting existence but it's definitely better than having nothing to do. Sam’s regular phone calls certainly don’t hurt.

Charlie heads back to Utah to make sure the vamp nest has definitely been taken care of but returns to the hospital once you're discharged and drive you to a nearby motel where she’s rented you a room. She hangs around a few more days after that - no one says anything but Sam probably asked her to. He can be a bit of a worrywart sometimes. You don't mind the company, though.

After Charlie leaves and you're given to okay to resume everyday activities, life pretty much goes back to normal. You take on minor cases, working solo or with hunters you're familiar with until you're feeling back to normal. You still talk to Sam on an almost daily basis - if not over the phone, via text - and ignore the happy butterflies in your stomach every time you see his name on your phone.

When you stumble upon a hunt that sounds an awful lot like a wendigo in Colorado, Sam's words from the hospital flutter across the back of your mind and you find yourself calling him before you even realize you're doing it.

He waves away all your insistence that he doesn't have to come help you, the sounds of a duffel being hastily packed clear in the background of his voice.

"Dean and I will be there in about 9 hours," Sam says. "Maybe sooner, with the way Dean drives."

Dean. Of course Sam would bring his brother. You've heard good things about Dean - especially about his hunting abilities - but a part of you really wanted this to be just you and Sam, and that part of you can't help feeling disappointed.

“I don't really want to bring Dean," Sam continues. "But wendigos are a pain in the ass, especially this time of year. The more hands on deck, the better."

Okay. Good point.

"I'll meet you in Aspen," you decide, ignoring that part of yourself that still wants to ask him to leave Dean behind. "We can head up to the campsite from there. Let me know when you're getting close?"

"Of course."

--

Like this fic? Support me longterm on Patreon HERE or make a one-time donation on Ko-Fi HERE

--Team Forever: @mrswhozeewhatsis @books-and-icecream @laughing-at-the-darkness @tumbler-tidbits @imsuperawkward

Team Sam: @saxxxology

Team TFL: @wonderfulworldofwinchester @kickingitwithkirk @muchamusedaboutnothing @ellen-reincarnated1967 @linki-locks11

[ladyhistorypod]

Episode 3: Legendary Ladies

Sources:

Agnodice/Agnodike

Oxford Classical Dictionary

Brooklyn Museum

Classical Wisdom

Mistaking Histories

Artemisia

Ancient History Encyclopedia

PBS

The British Museum

Heroditus

Hua Mulan

Southeastern Louisiana University

Further Reading: Transformations of The Woman Warrior Hua Mulan: From Defender of The Family To Servant of The State & Hua Mulan: the Evolution and Dissemination of a Chinese Cultural Sign—From the Mulan Drama to the Mulan Film

Ambient flute sound

Click below for the transcript!

Lexi: This week on Lady History: is she real, or is she fantasy?

Alana: When we were planning this podcast and Lexi and I were like “what should we do for our podcast” I asked my family group chat hashtag Stoli Squad and my sister was like “you could do my idea for my old roommate we were gonna start a podcast where we got drunk and talked about world issues” so now I'm like… should we be drunk right now?

Lexi: No.

Alana: No. I– Right?

Lexi: We definitely shouldn't be drunk right now.

Alana: This isn't Drunk History, which broke my heart, that Drunk History’s canceled.

Haley: Alana, you can’t hold your liquor.

Alana: I think it's what I've been drinking, because I've been drinking those hard seltzers from Supreme Core– shout out Supreme Core, they're not sponsoring us but I don't need them to.

Lexi: No, that's just a pure recommendation. If you live–

Alana: That’s just a pure recommendation. If you live in the DC metro area… 

Lexi: Yeah.

Alana: Supreme Core.

Lexi: Supreme Core is great.

Alana: I would like to pour one out for our fallen comrade, Drunk History.

(sound of liquid pouring)

Alana: I know, Haley, you don’t really like Drunk History, but… 

Lexi: You know what? We will continue on their legacy by soberl-ly telling– sober-soberly (laughing).

(Alana laughing)

Haley: She’s sober

Lexi: We will continue on their legacy.

Alana: Patreon episodes where we’re drunk.

Lexi: We could do that, you know… Listen, like this episode, give us a good review. Once we have some good reviews, then we can start charging you money for bonus content, and then we can be drunk and continue on the legacy of Drunk History.

Alana: We are all 21 by the way.

Lexi: Oh, just to preface.

Alana: Like, I’m the youngest and I’m 22.

Lex: Just in case you thought this was a questionable thing (Haley laughing) we’re adults.

Haley: We may not act like it, but legally… for legal purposes.

Lexi: Also if you have ideas for funny Zoom background please DM them to (Alana laughing) at LadyHistoryPod on Instagram. So… 

Alana: Don't DM LadyHistoryPod on Twitter because that one’s me.

Lexi: Yeah. The Instagram is me, the Twitter is Alana, just so you know who you're contacting in the DMs.

(Alana laughing)

Haley: If you want me, go to… 

Lexi: You can go to any of them. Do whatever you want.

Alana: You can do whatever you want. But if you want–

Lexi: Alana is a Twitter being.

Alana: I am a Twitter being.

Lexi: I am an Instagram being, so that’s why.

Haley: And I’m none of the above. I really–

Alana: Don’t follow me on Twitter though. If you see me on Twitter, no you don’t. 

Lexi: You don’t exist on Twitter.

Alana: I don’t exist on Twitter.

Lexi: Your “at” is at LadyHistoryPod

Alana: My “at” is at LadyHistoryPod, that’s true.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Alana: Hello and welcome to Lady History: the good, the bad, and the ugly ladies you missed in history class. I am virtually here with Lexi. Lexi, are you hydrated?

Lexi: No. I don't think I've been hydrated in maybe eighteen years.

Alana (laughing): Oh my god. Hydrate or die-drate.

Lexi: That's true. That’s what VSCO girls would say.

Alana: Yeah it's a basic, kind of– it's a basic bitch thing to say but it's true. Hydration is important.

Lexi: It's good for your mental health.

Alana: It is. Also, of course, I am here with Haley. Haley, do you have any allergies to medications?

Haley: Yeah I do, actually.

Alana: That's not funny but the way you said it was funny. And I'm Alana and I'm actively trying to remove the word guys from my lexicon.

Lexi: Interesting.

Alana: It's not working.

Lexi: Yeah.

Alana: I'm trying and I'm real bad at it. I slip up constantly.

Lexi: It's very, like, ingrained in the vernacular.

Alana: I am also trying to get ladies to catch on as a gender neutral term. Like, the way guys is, kind of, so I want it to be ladies.

Lexi: See, my gender neutral is bois with an i.

Alana: Of course.

Haley: Okay, see, I’ve… I switched to y'all because, that's, I just lived with two roommates from Texas and that's what it was, but growing up in New York it's you guys. So I'm stuck in this like parallel universe where I get hated on for saying you guys and I'm like this is twenty plus years in the making.

Lexi: We should embrace y'all. I feel like–

Alana: We should.

Lexi: Everyone should be able to say–

Haley: Yeah. I like y’all. That one’s tough for me, for some reason. Because I always called– like even my girl friends– being like you guys.

Alana: I call you you guys all the time.

Lexi: Yeah. I speak to large groups of people who use she/her pronouns and I say yous guys. Alana: Yous guys!

Haley: Yous guys… 

Lexi: Alright, we rocking and rolling?

Alana: We’re rocking and rolling. I'm going first because I want to dedicate this episode to my group of internet friends who– to my sunshines, especially Em who showed me a Tumblr post describing this woman. And I think as mentioned in the last episode we take Tumblr history lessons with more salt than the Dead Sea. That's our first t-shirt. That’s our first t-shirt! I think we said that in the last one too. But that's our first t-shirt. Take Tumblr history lessons–

Lexi: Although– wait, is that IP?

Alana: Is Tumblr IP? We could change it to like internet history lessons. Take internet history lessons–

Lexi: Yeah. That's good, that's good.

Alana: So Em sent me this Tumblr post, thinking look how cool is this and I was like I don't really believe that so let's look it up. So we're talking about Agnodice or in Greek it would be Agnodike because that's how Greek is. So the story is set in the fourth century BCE ish. Women were not allowed to become doctors or gynecologists or midwives according to the story, but young Agnodike– which is, I'm going to call her Agnodike because that is the Greek name and she was Greek. She was born in Athens and she went to Alexandria for med school and then she returned to– or, for like ancient Greek med school– and then she returned to Athens. But she saw these women dying in childbirth and she wanted to help so she dressed up like a man to go to med school and practice. When she got back after med school, supposedly she heard a woman crying out in pain of labor. And this woman was initially distrustful of a male doctor, so she flashed this woman to show that she was also a woman. This is a recurring theme. And she ended up being so good, and like the best doctor around, that the male doctors were losing patients and losing clients because it was about money. And so they accused Agnodike of sleeping with her patients, and then the women would be just like pretending to be sick so that they could see this young hot doctor. These men take her to trial essentially and she disrobes for them as well to be like actually no or like probably not. Maybe, who knows. And then they're like that's actually even worse because now we're going to sentence you to death for practicing medicine as a woman. And the women stand up for her– these women that she saved their lives– they stand up for her and they say… supposedly, a rough translation of the Latin: quote “You are not husbands but enemies, for you are condemning the woman who brought us health.” And this moves these men of Athens, and they pass a new law that women can practice medicine. The person on Tumblr passed this off as real. It is probably a legend because the best source is literally called the ‘fabulae’. I am in a Zoom meeting with a bunch of classicists– not classists! Classicists. Who knows Latin?! Haley, I know you know Latin. What is ‘fabulae’ mean?

Haley: (laughing) I haven’t taken Latin in forever. Uhhhh…

(keyboard sounds)

Alana: I hear you typing. It means fables; it literally means fables.

Haley: I– my gut instinct is I like, listen to you and I tr– like zone out for a second, then you called on me and you're like ‘what is fabulae’ and I was going to be like ‘fabuloso’ (Alana laughing). I want to do a quick Google and get that out of my head. But I did know that was fables because that came up in like my beginner Latin textbook.

Alana: So it literally means fables. Also, cross dressing and then disrobing to reveal your true identity at the climax of a story is real common in Classical legends. Like this is a running theme through a bunch of other stories.

Haley: Yes ma’am. Yes it is.

Alana: Also, there were definitely female midwives in the Classical world, so there were no laws against it. But here is why or how it might be read as history. Men were distrustful of mid– like– midwifery, midwifery. I actually wrote a paper about ancient birth control and gynecology like two years ago for a class. So the men are distrustful of female midwives because they don't understand what they're doing they're like what what are these women doing with other women that we don't really understand… Are they doing birth control?? Are they doing abortions??? But also women are distrustful of men because like they don't get it either. So everyone's like being like I don't trust you… I don't trust you… skepticism. But there were female midwives so there's no– there's no evidence for a law that says women can't be midwives. There is a– a modern interpretation. By modern I do mean 17th century to 19th century which, relatively, like relative to the time period of this woman, is modern. We’re also archaeologists, so I will say that modern is as early as when common era years have four digits. Like that's modern to me.

Haley: Yeah I took like a medieval history class and we got into like the plague was just like the 1300s and I was like ah, modern medicine. And every– it was like an undergrad class, and like you could see like some of the students were like what? (Alana laughing) The professor was like she has a degree in archaeology. She's gonna say stuff like that.

Alana: It’s modern! Four digits common era years, that's modern.

Haley: I agree.

Alana: That's how I feel. So early advocates for women in medicine during a time when women like for reals, for realsies, weren't allowed to practice medicine, advocates for women being able to practice medicine and repealing that kind of ban used her as an example. But they can't use a legend as an example. Like, she has to be real to be legit. All of the real scholars, the classicists, say this is a legend. The people on Tumblr say this is real. You decide who is right, except it's definitely the scholars and experts. And that's the story of Agnodike. Or Agnodice, depending.

Haley: So I’m gonna hop on that like, Greek train of yours and choo choo on the way to Persia. And we're gonna travel back in time, so like this is a time traveling train, just to let you know, to go back to the fourteen hu– not the 1400s the 400s BC. I'm still thinking about the plague.

Lexi: The plaque is always relevant.

Haley: Yeah.

Alana: Especially right now! The plague!

Haley: Anyhoo. Okay, I'm gonna hop on that Greek time traveling train and go back to the 1400s– oh my fuck god damn it. I’m still thinking about the plague. Alright. (Alana laughing) We're gonna be in Greek– ancient Greek history but for Persia instead. There's like a little… little tangle of where we are and how I'm gonna define that she's in Persian mythology rather than Greek mythology and who am I talking about? I'm talking about Artemisia of Caria, and yes, I'm using my Spanish accent because I can't do anything else about it. Or Artemisia the First. I'm gonna call her Artie because that's just how… in my notes she’s Artie.

Alana: We are on first name basis with all of these women.

Haley: Yes. Absolutely.

Alana: So we will be calling them by their first names and nicknames that we have given them. We have that privilege as history podcasters.

Haley: Yes. I was going to use her for a different one, but I really Persian mythology from being half Persian and I want to sprinkle some spice in here. And this one was tricky for me because I knew about her already from like all the history classes we had to take an undergrad, my general love for Persian mythology and history, and then also I had to like crack out my Herodotus, like the histories and like all the other ancient writers because she's not talked about that much, but the men and the battles back– like around what she's engulfed in are. Like the Battle of Salamis we're talking– we're going to talk about so much stuff about that battle, and just like Greco-Persian Wars, even as trickle down to our history classes in high school. But this gal Artie nothing. Or very little that I am– this is a good source to work off. Anyhoo I got really excited at first because I thought you're like a Google Arts and Culture like nice little museum page or just like a profile and I could go on and on about how arts and cul– Google Arts and Culture is like making a come back for like being decent because now a lot of their pages are run by the museums, or like exhibits straight from museums. But I digress. It really wasn't a cool thing that I could use, it was just a link or like a small pinch from her Wikipedia page who could have been written by anyone. So most of my sources are coming from primary accounts like Herodotus, who is an ancient Greek historian but was born and lived in the Persian Empire. And yes, I’m gonna get it out there; for those who've seen 300: Rise of an Empire, that like that movie, out in 2014, yes she was in here. I want to say that she looks like like me as like a cousin. I’m gonna describe her: she's like smaller, petite woman with olive skin, long dark black hair. And I was just like huh that's cool. And I actually remember watching this in like 2014 just being like yeah I see myself. I could be her. That was my rep– like female representation in movies was looking at ancient Persian characters, so that's just a glimpse into my life. But YouTube didn't even have like documentaries or anything so I'm sad. Okay so her name is Greek, it is coming from Artemis, but she is with the Persian Empire under Xerxes the first– at least I believe it was Xerxes the first, one thing said Xerxes the second, and I was like no this is not with the timeline. And she is most noted as not necessarily a warrior or like a fighter in any of the Greco-Persian Wars or any wars on the Persian side, but as a council member to Xerxes, which you can debate is a higher honor or not. Regardless, she was a badass. She was the daughter of King Lygdamis of Herculaneum and then a Cretan mother whose name is unknown. We just know that she was from Crete. So it's also like in the Greek area but Herculaneum… Herculania… Herculaneum… forgetting that word now is Persian territory at this point. She assumed the throne with– when her husband, who has no name, died. But it wasn't that she assumed the throne, as like sole queen of everything. She was acting regent for her younger son, and there's really no record of him ruling but the record of her ruling with him, in a sense. Overall the primary source for all her achievements and like the Greco-Persian Wars, which is what I'm gonna be focusing on, is from Herodotus. And Herodotus wrote his account of the Battle of Salamis in his book or like his works of the histories. She's mentioned by like a bunch of other guys. Guys as actual guys they were the writers and this history goes like a thousand years in the future so that's why a lot of her stuff can be legend because it’s people writing about this history, but like writing it so far apart that it's more like they're writing down their oral tradition. That's a huge thing when it comes to like, the Bible, and other ancient history sources. Whipped out Herodotus and Plutarch for this, and the Battle of Salamis. In like 480 BC she fought for the Persians and distinguished herself not only again like in battle, but also the fight she gave. And that's really like where she's talked about, not her battle strategy. And there's also a note where we do get into the battle strategy where she saved Xerxes kids from getting like harmed and such. We’re at the point where the Greek mainland was taken. Athens is burned, like, hell’s breaking loose. Persians are basically taking over, Xerxes is trying to figure out what his next move is. Like he– he understands that he has the upper hand, but now needs to figure out how to keep the upper hand. Herodotus gave like a whole account, there are a lot of quotes where he's just talking about army stuff and basically saying that she was particularly remarkable; that really if he only needs to mention one warrior, she's the only one that like he believed did the best work. And it was not only her attitude and behavior that like made her such a great warrior, but made her kind of move up and up up the ranks of roles and like nobility power and such. So yes this praise was mostly about her being a woman and I got like from reading it like the sense that it's more about ‘wow women can do this? Women can fight in battle?” But nonetheless she got some good pats on the back for being a badass. And again, like my other two stories, the legend comes with their death. We have no idea where her body was when she died, what condition, anything like it's really– this is where we get to writers a thousand years in the future, so like going into like 800s CE or AD, whichever one you would like to use, describing what happened to her. And honestly this is the juicy toocy part. So she– she's recorded that after she brought Xerxes’ sons to like a safe area, brought them back, she fell in love with a prince, Dardanus, I kept reading as Darius but it's not Darius. And for some reason, who knows, Dardanus rejected her, and was like ‘nope I don't love you’ or ‘nope I don't I don't want to be with you, cool thanks bye.’ And in her despair she threw herself into the sea. I don't know what sea that is, it just said ‘sea’. That's a lot of bodies of water in the like Persian-scope empire. And she drowned. There aren't other ancient records that's say like ‘yep this happened’ it's like one guy's account of like writing the history. There's like some statues that happened to be found, or like excavated in Sparta that were like ‘oh this is Artemisia’ but there's no record like no engraving in the marble statue that like this is her. People are just saying ‘oh it's in the Persian hall, it's in honor of her’ that's all we have. Like the British Museum had some like images of the statue saying this could be her but if you scroll all the way to the bottom it says like we don't know for sure. So like part of me is like ‘what really did she do’ but other parts are like ‘yeah this could have happened’. Honestly, read Herodotus. He’s a fun time, a good time.

Alana: Lexi’s turn?

Lexi: Me? (singing) Me me me me. Okay so you guys… are you Disney fans? I feel like you are. You like Disney.

Haley: I love Disney. I would die for all the Disney characters collectively in a bunch.

Lexi: So you're probably gonna recognize this quote: “the flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of them all.”

Haley: Absolutely.

Alana: Of course.

Lexi: And that quote is where any reference to Disney, the Disney franchises, Disney studios, Disney parks, and Disney in general shall end. And any relationship to Disney at all will now stop.

(Alana laughing)

Lexi: Now let's talk about the real, not real, maybe real story of Hua Mulan. So again, preface, I don't speak Chinese. I speak Korean which is not Chinese and is not related enough that I understand Chinese. For people who don't understand how Asian languages work they're not very closely related. There are loan words, there are borrowed words, but I do not speak Chinese. So please give me some leeway with these pronunciations of certain things. So the original poem-song, it's a poem that is sung, you know this is really common in ancient times to have a poem that can be set to music. So the original poem-song which described Hua Mulan was written by Tzu-Yeh, a woman who wrote Yueh-Fe style poetry which is a really common style poetry that was a form of oral tradition sharing and folklore sharing. And it was a rhythmic style of poetry set to music. Basically people would travel from town to town performing these songs to tell traditions and folklore and stories. So the translations that we have don't really follow the meter or rhythm, so when they are set to music they don't really sound correct. So the only true way to experience Yueh-Fe is in its native form. So if you don't speak Chinese and there are different versions of Chinese so if you don't speak the specific versions of Chinese that Yueh-Fe is written in you won't fully understand the poetic nature of the story. But we do have translations of the story that help us understand who Hua Mulan was. So I'm gonna tell you based on translations the true story or maybe not so true story of Mulan. The poem opens with Mulan, a young girl, showing disinterest in womanly activities– womanly in quotes– so she doesn't like doing things like household chores or marriage. She's disinterested in you know finding someone to marry, she's disinterested in her parents arranging her marriage, she's just interested in cooking, cleaning, dressing like a woman. She just doesn’t like any of it. And a request from the government comes around to each family–

Alana: I am also disinterested in cleaning.

Lexi: Yes.

Alana: For the record.

Lexi: I think every human is, so I– well maybe my mother loves cleaning. I don't know. She does it a lot, and she really does it with a… Yeah she does it with such a feverish passion I don't know– maybe she doesn’t like it. But yeah. There’s a request from the government, comes around to each family. I assume it is some sort of scroll that is delivered to families that are noble and have people who can read, but it might also come from a person who tells it. I am unsure based on the translations of the poetry. So the request comes from the government to have each family send a son or brother, so like a young unmarried uncle, brother, man, or a son of the family who can serve in the army. But Mulan's family is very small. She's an only child so she doesn't have an older brother for them to send. And Mulan sees this is an opportunity. So she buys the equipment required to enlist in the military, which is a horse, a whip, a saddle, and a bridle. And she shows up at the military encampment dressed as a man. And the poem continues with Mulan journeying far from her home on a trip that takes ten years and covers ten thousand miles. And at the end of her military service, her only request is to return home. She's offered the option to take money or land, but all she wants to do is return her family. So she returns to her family, and when she arrives home, her parents have had another child, a little brother, so Mulan has a little brother. And Mulan returns to her quarters, and she assumes a feminine identity. She puts it back on. She brushes her now white from years of hard work hair, she puts on makeup, she gets into feminine clothes, and then she goes out just to meet up with her buddies from the military, to see them search to rekindle, you know, the military friendship, bros being bros. And they are shocked to see her dressed in feminine attire because they've known her for a decade and the whole decade they assumed that she was a man. And so the poem closes with a simple phrase and it basically translates to two rabbits run side by side but when they run side by side you cannot tell which is a male and which is a female. So this is folklore, tradition, you know… it might be true, it might not be true. So, some other details: Hua Mulan means flower; so Hua flower, Mu wood, lan orchid. And Hua is the surname and Mulan is the given name. So Mulan is her first name, so that's why in some depictions you will just see Mulan, that is her first name. But some sources, the surname Fa is used so sometimes she is Fa Mulan. The most common tradition and most common translation is Hua Mulan.

Haley: That was gonna be like my immediate question was I thought it was Fa Mulan this whole time.

Lexi: That's because Disney used that version.

Haley: Not even from Disney– from just like knowing because I– When I got back on like the Disney Plus kick train, I wanted to like watch all the Disney princess movies but just compare them to like their actual stories and sometimes I saw the Fa Mulan so it’s like oh did Disney do this correct…?.

Lexi: Yeah. It's it's because it's it's not really a person– well it might be– but it's not really a person, so when this story goes from place to place, versions of it change, so evidence as to whether or not Mulan actually existed is basically nonexistent. We don't have any sort of physical archaeological evidence. Like, while folk songs and oral tradition hold her as a symbol of bravery and resilience, no physical evidence exists at all. There are no royal history books or official records that mention her, even though there are military records from that time. Now some people, who are Mulan truthers, may think ‘oh well she probably used a masculine name’ but again it's totally up in the air we're not sure. So, you know, even in the era and area in which she existed and like where she was from… it's completely up for debate whether she was from South China, from the Chinese plains, like no one's really sure. And some people say she's from one time period, and some people say from another time period. You know, is she lost to history? Is it possible there really was this heroic warrior in disguise who fought for her people and her family? and maybe her name and origin and era are just lost to history. So different versions of the story attribute different names, like her surname changing. Different eras, different places of origin because they don't know the truth of the original story. or is it more likely that there were several women who fought in disguise throughout Chinese history as they've done in many societies, in many aspects of history, but that their stories have been molded into a single poem through the passage of time.

Haley: I love that. That was a great closing.

Alana: That’s so cool. I love that.

[Ancient flute noise]

Lexi: You can find this podcast on Twitter and Instagram at LadyHistorPod. Our show notes and a transcript of this episode will be on lady history pod dot tumblr dot com. If you like the show, leave us a review or tell your friends about us, and if you don't like the show keep it to yourself.

Alana: Our logo is by Alexia Ibarra you can find her on Instagram and Twitter at LexiBDraws. Our theme music is by me, GarageBand, and Amelia Earhart. Lexi is doing the editing. You will not see us, and we will not see you, but you will hear us, next time, on Lady History.

[OUTRO MUSIC]

Haley: Next week on Lady History: we're going to dive straight in, misbehave a little bit and talk about the ladies who committed some crimes.

[osmw1]

Dimension Wave   Chapter 32 — The Sea of No Return

“So, any suggestions what we do next?”

The next day. We looked like drowned rats, but at least all of us were still on board. Basically, we had been sucked in by the storm and barely made it out alive. That wasn’t the last of our problems though. Our heading and location were all sorts of messed… the map didn’t help either, as it doesn’t how which direction we faced. And maybe we were so far off track, we couldn’t even use a Tome of Returning. But we did know at least the name of this area: The Sea of No Return.

“Y’all wanna just respawn?” “Alto, you’re suggesting that because we’re Spirits, aren’t you?” “You know I don’t mean it like that, bud.”

It looked like as if what he had just said meant nothing to the bastard. Him, Sheryl, and Tsugumi might not have much of a problem with dying and respawning, but it sure means a lot to us Spirits.

“Let’s keep trekking on if we’re going to die anyway! Since we’re going to get a death penalty either way, why don’t we keep going forwards?”

Tsugumi’s been all smiles since we’ve brought her on board. Maybe that’s how she is, or maybe she’s comfortable opening up to Yamikage and Sheryl and the rest of us. My sister has been so excited about it, I felt like I’d be doing her a disservice if were to even consider anything else.

It’s not like Tsugumi’s really into RPG’s in the first place though. MMO’s, and especially VR ones, always devolves into nothing but combat for her. To be fair, VR games tend to be a little boring with action, but since she’s so good at combat, she’ll plow through them using deliberately underleveled characters. Well, it’s fun just watching her, but only because of how excited she gets.

“… we don’t even know which way’s forwards.” “It’s like we’re trapped in The Labyrinth or The Endless Desert or some other sort of typical RPG dungeon.” “… ‘kay.” “But it’s a little surprising, eh?” “‘Kay.” “But I… I haven’t even said explained anything yet…” “‘Kay.” “Kizuna, you mind interpreting for us?”

We might be used to how talks, but I guess it was a little tough for Alto who’s just met her. So be it, then. Glad to be useful.

“So? What’s surprising?” “Yeah, see, I didn’t believe half—actually, most—of what you said about the sea and stuff, but now I’m beginning to change my mind.” “And why’s that?” “Like you said earlier, being lost in a dungeon would be the typical RPG thing. You know, like you clear the area to get farther, and then at the end, you get some sort of legendary sword or something. Maybe you really are onto something, Kizuna.”

That’s exactly it. From all the games I’ve played, players usually get bogged down by a difficult bit then get rewarded with a key item that’s important to the story. It’d be nice if there were a walkthrough or strategy guide, but since we’re the first ones playing, we’ll have to fumble our way through this Sea of No Return. If we want to cross the ocean, then we have no choice but to head forwards.

    We ended up wandering through the Sea of No Return.

“Kizuna! Yamikage!” “Hmmmph!” “Aye, aye!”

Attacking us were Bladed Mermen and Skyraiders—aquatic and avian monsters, respectively. Defending us were: Shouko, armed with a fan-type derivative weapon in each hand; Tsugumi, with an evolved war scythe; and Yamikage, the one-trick pony.

I didn’t think we’d break a sweat with two former frontliners, but the enemies were tougher than I thought. We were likely facing enemies harder than we should be since the storm had thrown us to who knows where. With little Energy, I was no match for them at the very least.

“Round Dance, the First: Counterstrike!”

Shouko twirled around as if she were really dancing while unfolding both of her fans. It may have been a small AoE attack, but it was enough to hit the enemies up close and farther back.

I suppose “Round Dances” need explaining too… The more these attacks are charged up, the more defense it lowers and the more damage it does, if I recall correctly. They seem to be more offensive than defensive. That being said though, the charge time with Round Dances are much longer compared to Wild Dances, but it also deals a lot more damage. Shouko’s just started using these new skills, but they seem to suit her better. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but Shouko feels like the type to dodge attacks, rather than to parry them—like how she performed acrobatics when we fought Cerberus.

And not to mention the other day… the day when I bought my light-up lure, I discovered Shouko had yet another talent. She’s just as capable with her left hand as she is with her right—she’s ambidextrous. She can even write with both hands.

Shouko really is hot shit.

Jokes aside though, dual wielding isn’t such a surprise and characters usually fight just as well with either hand in normal video games. Skills, of course, are something you activate then you let the system work out how it goes. It’s a different story for autoattacks in VR games, however. I don’t know a lot about the subject, but I’ve heard that handedness has a lot to do with your brain. Going by that, fighting well with both hands in a VR game would probably need a lot of talent.

I also remember watching some retro TV show saying how left-handedness can be an advantage in things like sports. With VR games being the product of science experiments, it might be safe to assume they’ve counted for handedness too. Well, that’s neither here nor there though. Oh, and by the way, I’m just another right-handed average joe.

“She really blows your expectations away, eh?” “You sure you wanna stick around here, Alto? You’re gonna get killed.” “… be careful.” “So? What kind of expectations are we talking about?” “I meant, like, my first impressions of her.”

I’ll agree that first impressions of Shouko can be a little deceptive. She may seem soft-spoken and well-mannered, but she’s got a violent side to her. Don’t forget that she’s the one who said that offense is the best defense when we were participating in the Dimension Wave. … it’s almost as if she’s from a different generation or something—almost as if she’s a general from Sengoku Japan or the Three Kingdoms of China.

“Oh, I’ve just remembered. Have you been using your Crystal of Mediation, bud?” “… what are you gonna do? Sell it?”

—Stone of Mediation. The ones purchasable at NPC shops grant one bonus effect. On top of that, it also grants something called “Shield Energy” and it works much like an HP gauge like other races have. And, much like an HP gauge, it naturally recovers over time. The only thing about it is that it doesn’t grant that much more health. The weaker ones give about 50 and the best one only gives 1,000 extra points. For balancing’s sake, Stones with low Shield Energy might have a more potent buff and vice versa. I guess it’s up to the player to choose what they want more. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that Yamikage chose one that buffs her dark magic. Unlike her, though, my build is all over the place, so I chose a stone that improves my Masteries.

“Remember back when we first met, like… I don’t know, a month or so ago? Remember that crystallization from before?”

Oh, right. I totally had something like that. It’s lost somewhere in my inventory, but I should still have it somewhere. Let me just look for it real quick. Unidentified, huh?

“There it is. This thing, right?” “You still haven’t identified it yet?” “I mean, I got it before the system was even implemented into the game…”

To be fair, I suppose the system just hasn’t been activated until recently. I’m sure I’ll find more items that haven’t been patched in too.

“Well, how ‘bout I identify it for you then? I’ve checked out a few items from my line of work, so you could say I’m pretty experienced at it.” “Sure, but I’ve got no money on me.”

With the glow in the dark lure, reel, and cooking utensils, I am out dry. These Stones of Mediation might be good, but if they are, then it’s probably too rich for me…

What, you think I’m the type of guy to hound my friends over a few bucks?” “What, would I be wrong?” “Of course! No way I’d ask for money for something like this.” “Sorry for assuming. Please and thank you, then.”

I handed over the unidentified crystal to Alto and he looked at it with a magnifying glass? a loupe? A soft light enveloped the loupe as soon as he muttered “Item identification.” Immediately, the jet black crystal turns into a pale blue.

“Yep. Looks like you fished up something similar to a Stone of Mediation.” “Fishing and gutting are the only two things I do well anyway.”

Maybe I should try equipping it. It’d be more accurate to say I’m transferring over the soul from the Stone though since they’re kinda like holy artifacts.

Beginner’s Crystal of Mediation Shield Energy: 700/700 +2 Fishing Mastery Attracts more attention from nocturnal sea creatures.

Looks like this one gives two bonus effects and it gives a lot of shield. That’s really special. Even the name is different. The ones in shops are called Stones and this one is a Crystal. That’s probably because of the skills and stuff though.

“Honestly, thanks a bunch.” “Any day, my man. You’re always finding ways for me to make money, so don’t even mention it.”

Our sailing adventure was off to a good start.

contents: /prologue/ /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /ch016/ /ch017/ /ch018/ /ch019/ /ch020/ /ch021/ /ch022/ /ch023/ /ch024/ /ch025/ /ch026/ /ch027/ /ch028/ /ch029/ /ch030/ /ch031/ /ch032/ /next/

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[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Black Widow

I don’t think anything is as frustrating to me in the MCU as the way it has done Natasha Romanoff dirty. Nine years after Natasha became more than just a sexpot spy in a catsuit and actually got to help save the world in The Avengers, here we are with her very own movie, approximately eight years too late. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. Endgame left a bad taste in my mouth, and I wasn’t sure why I should even care about a new MCU story set in the recent past about a woman the Marvel movies really haven’t known what to do with in any meaningful way since the bright shining glory that was Winter Soldier. But, you give me Rachel Weisz and Florence Pugh and David Harbour as a Russian spy found family, and I’m willing to at least hear you out. 

Spoiler-free synopsis: Basically, after the events of Civil War, Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) is on the run and someone comes looking for a package she has in her possession. That leads her to steal the contents of the package and hunt down its origins - her original family, a group of deep undercover Russian spies (Weisz, Harbour, and unknowing baby sister Pugh). In the process of getting the band back together, Nat learns the truth about a job from her past and the bulk of the movie is her going on a mission to make things right with bickering family of grumpy Russians in tow. The action scenes are tight, with some truly breathtaking sequences (an aerial fight near the end is a real knockout). Pugh is the MVP of the film, taking the role of comic relief as well as the emotional core, and her performance as Yelena is worth the price of admission alone. Weisz could step on my face and I’d say thank you, as per usual. Cate Shortland’s direction is competent, but nothing to write home about - she keeps the action moving, the pace brisk, and she lets the emotional beats breathe, so I suppose the movie’s unremarkable direction is probably a sign that it’s more good than bad. Her vision is strongest when she’s engaging with the theme of the subjugation of women and the trail of broken bodies that subjugation leaves in its wake.

As for the story itself, I enjoyed it because I care about Natasha and I crave more than anything more opportunities for her to be herself (not some pointless eye candy or over-the-top seductress as a form of nerd wish fulfillment), which this movie delivers. But even in her own movie, I couldn’t help but feel the shadow of the rest of the Avengers looming large in ways they don’t in say, an Iron Man or a Thor movie. All the payoffs to things we’ve heard about in Nat’s backstory - Budapest, Dreykov’s daughter - come from ensemble movies, and there are a ton of visual references and homages that can’t be coincidental to Black Panther, Captain America, and the SHIELD helicarrier from The Avengers. At least this movie has some Very Good Pigs as a highlight too. 

Is this a good Black Widow movie? Yeah, I think so! I enjoyed my time and I’m glad it was made. Is it the best Black Widow movie? Nah, that’s still Winter Soldier. Is it the Black Widow movie we deserved? Absolutely not, because we deserved one eight years ago. Maybe in some other timeline in the multiverse folks got that movie, and they got to live in a world where Nat wasn’t an afterthought in her own damn franchise. 

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[michael-radi-the-glamorous-life]

Become A True "Renaissance [Wo]Man"

As I discussed last week, this past weekend was the first ever TudorCon at which myself and a small cast performed a concert of music from The King’s Legacy as the con’s Saturday night entertainment.

So silly. So fun. And wonderfully affirming!

I met a lovely group of smart, giving, caring individuals who all gathered together to share their love of this time period and its stories. And even more than that, they gathered together to support the research, knowledge, and creations of the speakers and their fellow attendees.

After the concert, a small group of people was standing around speaking with some of the performers, and they were asking where they would be able to see the show next.

Now, as you know dear readers, this depends entirely on when and where there is an interest to produce the show, as well as having the money behind it to make it happen. And this was explained to the group.

But then one of the women said: “You should start a Patreon page! I would definitely give, and I bet many other people would as well!”

And what a delightfully canny idea that was!

What is Patreon?

An excellent question!

I would describe Patreon as a mixture between a subscription to the art you enjoy and an on-going crowdfunding campaign.

But the interwebs writes:

“Patreon is a crowdfunding membership platform based in the United States that provides business tools for creators to run a subscription content service, with ways for artists to build relationships and provide exclusive experiences to their subscribers, or ‘patrons’.”

It’s a wonderful idea at its core. And I only knew about Patreon from the podcasts I listen to, almost all of which have a Patreon page on which you can become a patron for extra perks (additional episodes, early listens, bonus swag, etc.).

And in fact, it was with Heather Teysko on the Renaissance English History Podcast that I actually first learned of Patreon. Full circle!

Now, I do find that the majority of what I see on Patreon are truly subscriptive services - Podcasts, Blogs, Vlogs, YouTube Shows and Channels, Digital Artists, etc. However, there are plenty of authors, visual artists, cosplayers, and artists of a less subscription-based nature on there as well.

But the idea of a musical on the website? It never even occurred to me!

And why not??

Musicals and Patronage

Musicals take years and years (and years) to develop and, from the writer’s perspective, it often feels like there is nothing to offer people:

If you’re doing a Reading, you usually can’t invite people unless it’s an open reading, and even then there are only so many seats to offer.

If you don’t have the money or equipment for Demos, you can’t really provide polished music to people to get your show out there.

If you haven’t had a Production, there’s no Video or Photos available to show people, let alone Audience Reviews.

And I could go on. It feels like there’s so little to give to the public.

But what if there is a group of supporters for your work who are so invested in the project that they would be interested in all of the in-between things you have to offer??

And that’s where Patreon begins to look like a stellar idea for a musical in development.

Sure, you may not have fancy or particularly put-together materials during the developmental process that you can put on a website or shell out in a pitch package, but there’s plenty of other information and material that supporters would be super interested in!

Things like:

Behind-the-Scenes looks at the writing, rehearsal, and performance processes

Songs from older versions that have been cut over the years

Writer Demos that may not be fit for a website, but are interseting and intimate

New script additions or major changes

Developmental news, even on a smaller scale

Information about other artists that may be involved in things like readings

Information on the process of the writing

Daily life for the writers

Access to the writers for questions and commentary

Stories and Anecdotes

Etc.

These may not be things that are interesting to a public coming to see your show once it is fully produced (or maybe they are, who knows?), but anyone who has invested an interest and/or money into you and your show would definitely be interested in seeing and hearing these in-between steps!

The King’s Legacy on Patreon

The idea may never occurred to me, but I’m so glad it occurred to other people! And now, The King’s Legacy is on Patreon where you can become a Patron in your own right!

I’m sure the page will develop over time and eventually offer more and more. But as of now, you can become a Patron supporter of the musical at whatever monetary level you feel comfortable - even beginning as low as $1 per month, if that’s all that you can offer.

And whatever you can offer will not only be appreciated, but that appreciation will be shown through perks and bonuses available to this particular group of supporters!

Patronage is an old concept - one that helped create the idea of the “Renaissance Man” - and without patronage, the arts don’t stand much of a chance at succeeding.

And perhaps you’d like to become a double Renaissance Person by sharing you interest in art through patronage of a Renaissance musical…? Eh? Eh? See what I did there?

“Oh dear, Michael.”

I agree, dear reader. And so, with this link below to the Patreon page for The King’s Legacy, I bid you adieu for this week!

https://www.patreon.com/thekingslegacymusical

Until next time!