#marias is one hell of a terrifying woman

[aroacettorney]

.......i recently realised since marias was suspecting that caseys feelings are a one-way street and that ludger might have been some sort of a womanizer, it seems that she intended to officially tie him in with casey by setting them up for a shotgun marriage and not just the good old "you should start living together".......

[chorus-the-mutate]

This is an edited repost of the Erzsebet Bathory character analysis I wrote yesterday that I refuse to let go to waste. I tried doing the right thing and tagging all of the necessary trigger warnings only for this post to be completely hidden from the Castlevania Nocturne and Erzsebet Bathory tags. Since I can't afford to tag the proper trigger warnings without being punished please do not read this post if discussions of rape or sexual assault triggers or upsets you in any way. I don't take these topics lightly and they are vital to this analysis of Erzsebet Bathory.

This post also contains major spoilers for this first season of Castlevania Nocturne.

This may seem presumptive of me to say but this thought has been stuck in my head for several hours: Erzsebet Bathory is the most rapist adjacent villainess I've ever seen without her actually being a rapist.

The first and smallest point against her is how often she mentions virgins. I know that Erzsebet's initial mention of virgin sacrifices is supposed to tie into the origin of her alter ego and consumption of Sekhmet but it's super fucking weird that it played into why she wanted to sacrifice Maria.

Next point against her is the lawyer's daughter. I'm not sure if this lady was a virgin but when she's first brought to Erzsebet she's already terrified and too dazed to fight back. It's obvious that she doesn't want to be there and that even if she did that she can't really express that desire. But Erzsebet still takes this lady out of a literal gilded cage, sits down and sits this lady on her dress to admire her despair before drinking her blood. The next time we see the lady she's still dazed. The only differences are that she's dolled up and seems more suggestible. Even with hundreds of people in this ballroom scene the lady is literally ignored by everyone except for Erzsebet who dances with her and parades her around for her own amusement. Everyone else knows that Erzsebet likes to make her victims suffer and they still refuse to acknowledge the lady because Erzsebet has made it clear that she's her possession. Hell the only person who is unhappy enough with Erzsebet to go rogue at this point is Olrox and he STILL IGNORES THIS LADY. When the lady is dragged outside to be fed on again without anyone batting an eye it reminds me of a rapist roofying their target and proceeding to do everything in their power to seem interested in their victim's well-being in order to take them to a second location. And no one speaks up since Erzsebet is the Harvey Weinstein, Prince Andrew or Thomas Jefferson of the vampire world; the embodiment of people in power getting away with abuse until the damage has already been done.

The last and biggest point against Erzsebet is the entire scene where she turns Tera into a vampire. For me personally that is just an allegorical rape scene and it's executed very well. Erzsebet makes her entrance at the abbey as a lioness of a woman, a literal predator who wants to take Maria as a sacrifice and turn her into a vampire to ensure Emmanuel the Abbot's loyalty. Tera protests and offers herself to Erzsebet instead. This is such blatant coercion that Tera refers to herself as the ram Abraham sacrificed to God instead of Isaac. And the only question or concern Erzsebet has at this point is if her sacrifice should be a virgin. The only reasons she accepts the sacrifice are Emmanuel's genuine love for Tera and the fact that Tera is a powerful sorceress. Once Erzsebet settles for Tera and physically lifts her to her level no one can stop her. Maria gets knocked out for trying and Richter gets bodied immediately after. Their only option is to get the hell out of there once Annette makes an opening and Richter rightfully runs for his life. Even Maria, the only person that could look back and see Tera turn, is knocked out and that feels like an intentional writing choice to give Tera one last shred of dignity. Erzsebet holds Tera really close in this sort of hug as she feeds on her and once she's fed she literally sits Tera on her lap for her turn to feed. Then Erzsebet cuts herself and the blood starts dripping down on Tera, starting at her skirt, going to her blouse and reaching her face. At first Tera doesn't react but then her body responds to the blood and she feeds even though she doesn't want to. Even though no one wants this for her. And that is exactly what it's like when someone has an unwanted orgasm. Tera's body is protecting itself the same way a victim of assault would and that paired with the blood on her skirt being reminiscent of the blood on a woman's thigh in the aftermath of an assault hammers home the rape allegory. It's very sad and uncomfortable to think of Tera's turn to vampirism this way but the thought lingers hours after like a grimy film on my brain.

I 100,000% believe that Erzsebet would have been an actual rapist if Netflix Castlevania didn't romanticize Lenore raping Hector and ending their relationship on friendly terms. Not to mention Sumi and Taka's sudden shift from allies to sexually assaulting Alucard out of spite. Castlevania Nocturne seems to shy away from rape and sexual assault in favor of allegories or moments so brief that I missed them unlike its predecessor. So I'm blaming the gratuitous depictions of sexual assault in Castlevania on Warren Ellis, the creator of Netflix Castlevania, who doesn't work on this show for a very good reason.

Everything from her size as Sekhmet to her tendency to torture women and girls before killing them contributes to the allegory of Erzsebet being the vampire equivalent of a rapist. She exudes power and not only does she enjoy making others feel helpless she's also great at it. She is a sadist without honor, willing to parade her lady victim of choice around vampire high society or hang a young girl on hooks to drain dry rather than let any of them die a quick death. The dragged out, needless suffering Erzsebet inflicts along with her preference for women and virgins frames her feeding as something more sexual in nature than the other vampire nobles who simply indulge in their gluttony. Even Olrox feeding on his former boyfriend isn't framed sexually, it's framed as a desperate, romantic gesture to keep his lover alive. And every vampire I remember from Castlevania has their feeding framed as a tool for political power or sheer, simple gluttony. Even the vampire general Cho was shown to be more of a tyrant or a general sadist clinging to power in Japan than a deviant.

Erzsebet's sheer sadism actually contrasts quite well with Dracula's humanity and restraint. He understood humanity, only feeding to survive or strike down the merchants who slighted him. (He probably also used feeding as a tool for political power but I don't think we saw that directly.) Dracula ultimately came to understand humanity so well that he fell for Lisa Tepes, the exemplar of what it means to be human. And that love is why I believe he respected Lisa's wishes and let her keep that humanity instead of turning her into a vampire. And after Lisa's death Dracula stopped feeding entirely, hoping to extinguish his life and take out as many people as he could because he believed that humanity should've been better. He believed that the people who lived alongside Lisa would've stood up for her and they betrayed her out of a mix of fear, religious reverence and apathy. Meanwhile Erzsebet doesn't care about humanity, seeing people like the lawyer's daughter as possessions or people like Tera and Emmanuel the Abbot as pawns to further her own rule. She might be taken aback by Drolta's death once she learns of it but there's an equal chance that she wouldn't even bat an eye.

So what do these points of analysis mean for Erzsebet and Tera's future dynamic as master and pawn? The one thing that's certain is that Tera has been fundamentally changed, forced into an unprecedented nightmare scenario that will drag her down a dark path. But I'm an optimist and I believe that Tera will ultimately be redeemed. She may never be human again but her humanity, her love for her son and daughter will save her soul. Ultimately I hope that Tera lives and recovers from the trauma of Erzsebet turning her. I hope that she goes home to her children and is taken in with open arms. But if Tera dies she will die as Tera, not as a pawn, and that is because Erzsebet could never kill her humanity.

[love-anddeepression]

Haven't I? -2

Thank you so much for the love on part-1<33 i hope you enjoy part 2! please comment and reblog if you like it<3 part 3

a/n- panic attacks, some crying, joel feeling like a failure, canon divergence.

You love Maria, you really do. But at this moment in time all you want to do is throttle her.

The hinges are abnormally loud and the floor creaks as you walk in to leave the supplies for the women in the house.

There’s two main bedrooms, one is the children’s and the other the master. You peep into the girl’s and find it empty, so you leave the red shirt and diva cup on her bed before making your way to the master bedroom.

The moment you step inside there’s a flash of black moving towards you and you shift to your side out of pure instinct and throw the pile of clothes at her face.

She’s bent over and glaring at you. The woman.

“Who are you?” she all but growls.

You put your arms up in front of you as if you’re calming a rabid animal, “ Maria asked me to drop this off. I’m a neighbour.”

“Why didn’t you knock?” She picks the clothes up from the floor

“I wanted it to be over quick.” 

She curls her lip at you and you want to do nothing more than to get it off her face but you can’t help but feel bad for her, so you stay quiet behind your mask. 

“Well you’ve done your job. You can leave.”

You brush past her silently. It’s something you do that creeps even Tommy out. If you want to, you can make someone feel your silence. 

“Wait!”Her shrill voice makes you stop in your tracks and look over your shoulder.

“Thank you.”

All you do is nod and walk away.

————-

“So it went well?”  Maria asks as she places the hideous coat on the counter.

“She thought I was an intruder and tried to attack me.” You deadpan as you cut cucumbers..

You can hear her trying not to laugh, “ Go to hell.”

“Thank you for doing that.” she replies, suddenly serious.

You whirl, waving the knife. “Oh, now you’re suddenly nice? Who are you and what have you done with my Maria?”

“I’m your sister, even if Tommy isn’t your brother in law anymore.”

Your mouth falls slightly apart at her harsh truth, “That’s mean.”

She slowly walks up to you, “I know.”

“You’re mean.”

“I’m sorry.”

Your eyes begin to water, how much more pathetic can you be? “Why?”

She’s face to face now, “Why what?”

A sob leaves your lips, “Why, Maria?”

She pulls you to her and hugs you as tight as she can, shushing your whimpers as you shake. It’s hitting you again, the knowledge that it’s truly over, “I’m so sorry.”

The sound of the door opening makes you pull away and turn around, bracing yourself on the kitchen counter.

“Hello?” a little girl’s voice calls out. It’s the girl who came with Joel and the woman, Tina.

From where you are in the kitchen, the both of you can see her walk into the main hall and she stops to look at the memorial of Sarah and Kevin and an immature bolt of anger flows through you. She’s standing there, the same age as Sarah, and it’s wrong of you to feel this way towards a child, but it hurts to see that she’s there and your daughter isn’t. And some horrible part of you is furious because you’re terrified that Joel has forgotten. Which is stupid, because of course he hasn’t.

She squeezes your shoulder and takes the hideous purple jacket she left on the kitchen island earlier. You can hear the both of them begin to talk and slip out. In your haste, your mask is left behind.

 —-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it so hard to breathe? 

He’s braced himself against the lamp post , and it’s as if all the air in his lungs has been sucked out. All he can think of is Sarah. And of you. Of his wife who disappeared from his life, like a cruel magic trick, all that he’s loved seems to disappear. And now with Ellie, and Amy. All he’s going to do is fail them, just like he failed Sarah, like he failed you-

Who is that?

There’s a woman with hair just like yours, turned away from him in the crowd. The little voice in his head tells him that he’s being an idiot but his body seems to move of its own accord and with every step towards her he finds his heart beating faster.

He sees her freeze when he says her name and she slowly turns around.

It isn’t her. 

This woman isn’t his wife. Her face looks like it's been mauled by an animal and her skin is puckered with pock marks. Her eyes stare into his and he’s stammering out an apology, “Shit, I’m sorry, ma’am. Thought you were someone else.”

 She only looks at him and smiles a little, but it looks like she’s grimacing and her eyes are scrunched up. She nods, “No problem.”

He turns around and leaves to god knows where, he needs to get away after making a spectacular ass of himself. He finds himself in a workshop of sorts and decides to finally fix his damn boots. It’s about damn time.

Back at the bar, the woman with the scarred face informs his brother that he needs a new pair of boots. 

—---------

“Boots?” 

“Yes, Tommy. The one’s he’s wearing are busted. He’ll trip and fall and probably die if he keeps using them.” you say, exasperated.

“How’d you know that? You talked to him?”

You look away, wishing you hadn’t stupidly forgotten your mask, “He came up to me, said my name, and when I turned around, looked at me and apologised because he thought I was someone else.”

He raises his eyebrows and slides his glass over to you.

You take a sip and sigh, “I’m uh, I’m still your sister right? Even if I’m not um..your sister in law?”

He looks at you as if you have two heads, “Of course you are, the fuck’s wrong with you?”

You smile and look down at your shoes, “Okay.”

“So, boots?” he raises his eyebrows and gestures to the seat.

—---------------

The town’s a surprise, she admits. To see so many new people, people who don’t have to keep their walls up and can let people in.

She scoffs at the quaintness of the movie theatre, as if everything is ever going to be the same. It’s pointless to imagine the world will go back to the way it was. Ellie seems to be as uncomfortable as she is, and she can’t help but feel like an antsy guard dog when any kid comes close to the teenager.

The woman that came to the house isn’t here, or maybe she is, maybe now she’s not wearing that mask and is acting like another normal person with no problems.

As if any of these people know what loss is.

“Amy, you okay?” Maria asks her and she subtly clenches her jaw. Leave me alone.

“I’m fine.” keep it short, curt. You don’t owe her your niceness, you already owe her your life.

“You look uncomfortable.” the woman replies.

“Not used to so many people.” and she doesn’t like it.

“You’ll get used to it.”

Amy doesn’t reply, only grunts. Much like Joel, she reason. She owes him everything, whatever this thing is between them, the unspoken glances and the smiles that Ellie pretends she doesn’t see. She can’t deny that she’s falling in love with him.

There’s a chorus of laughter and she looks at the crowd of children.

Ellie’s gone. Shit. She’s not in here.

She leaves Maria and races out, the town’s new and the kid had a penchant for getting into shit situations.

She can see her, in the distance. Walking away with all the furiousness of a little raccoon.

“Ellie!” she calls out and jogs to her as the girl turns around, “You can’t just slip away like that, what’s wrong with you?”

She grabs her shoulder and pulls the girl to her, making her look up.

“He’s leaving us.” the girl murmurs.

“What?”

There’s unshed tears in her eyes as she looks to the side, “He’s leaving us. He wants Tommy and some other woman to take us.”

----------------

"She's someone very close to us." Tommy says.

"I don't trust no one but you Tommy. You and Amy are enough." Joel replies harshly.

"I go with her, or I don't go at all, Joel."

"What even is her name?" he scoffs.

He wants to say your name, he really does. It's on the tip of his tongue and he says the first syllable and Joel eyes widen.

"It's Mitch. Her name is Mitch."

Joel clenches his jaw, "Alright. But I swear, she does anything, I'm not the one to be afraid of. Amy's not going to like this anyway, she'll want to probably put a bullet in between both of your knees."

Tommy huffs out some semblance of a laugh, after this, you're gonna want to take a hammer to his knees. But he doesn't trust himself to act civil with any of them, if Maria wasn't pregnant, he'd ask her to come along. But by some dumb luck, she is, so he's going to have to go with you.

------------------------

The walk back to the house fills him with dread. It's the right thing to do, he knows that. But he's not looking forward to breaking the news to them.

The door squeaks open and he cringes and steps inside. It's dark.

There's no one in the hall, nor in the kitchen.

The stairs creep with every guilt-ridden step he takes, as if he's going to his own execution.

Ellie's room is empty, her bag is missing. He's breathing heavily. His wife would call it a panic attack, with her extensive knowledge of how people's brains worked.

In blind panic he stumbles to the main room, and it's dark and empty.

On the bed there's a note,

"Like you said, we're only cargo."

He falls to his knees, and brings his hand to his mouth to try and contain his breaths. Every memory he's been trying to repress since his wife went missing, since his baby girl's death comes back. He'd failed them, they're dead and gone because of him.

And now, he's failed the people he loves most, all over again.

All that leaves his mouth is a gut wrenching scream. All he's given in return is the echo of his own failure.

They're gone.

taglist-@daddy-din @ephemerensis@charlyrmv@bellaramseysbitch@trippoverrtt @im-constantly-fangirling@pussy-f41ry@corvusmorte@mrknifes@corpsebridenightamare@chesirecat000@glshmbl@jbcalway@o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi@glshmbl

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

I was already scared about the next Captain America movie, but now realizing that Sam hasn't even been mentioned in like 4 years when HE IS CAPTAIN AMERICA,, now I'm terrified. I don't want them to destroy another of my favorite characters, we suffered enough with Loki Wanda and Stephen's bastardization. Sam is such a good man and deserves so much more

also kinda out of topic, did they seriously made Carter say that shit about little girls in Russia?? When Natasha exists???? It's way too specific, like a jab at Natasha for ??? some fucking reason I guess

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately, yes, they said this in the episode:

Why? No fucking reason, that's why.

She has no story and no arc of her own, so the writers need to claim everybody loves her and admires her in order to convince the audience to fall for her. You know, like Sylvie in the Loki series. These writers don't care about these women, they do the bare minimum and then count on the fans to shout "misogyny!" at those of us who complain about their terrible work with them.

It's a vicious cycle but some fans think kissing the ass of every female character = feminism, when in truth what they're doing is kissing the ass of the same writers who can't be arsed to write those women well. They're not kissing the ass of a fictional woman who doesn't exist, they're looking at those writers and telling them "you don't care about female characters and we love you for it" and calling that feminism. It's bonkers.

Other female characters in Marvel deserve this much attention if not more. Why not give it to them? Hell, I'm pretty sure we would all love to see Layla again, for instance. What about Sharon? Or Maria Hill. I wouldn't mind a What If with Carol or Valkyrie or more Wanda...

I'm definitely worried about Sam too, especially when it's Spellman (same guy as TFATWS) the one writing him. He was never given too much focus but at least the movies gave us enough that we could see he's a good man. The problem is I don't know if we're going to get something akin to TWS (so, the focus on Sam and some supporting characters showing up occasionally) or another CW (a team-up movie where the title character is sidelined.).

Sam was given the shield in 2019. It's 2024 already. And no cameos, no mention of him, nothing. When Steve was part of the franchise non-stop for a decade.

[stonemags]

SUGAR BABY AU

Ch.3 Blind optimism

Characters in this series: Reader, Wanda Maximoff, Natasha Romanoff, Carol Danvers, Darcy Lewis, Maria Hill, Kate Bishop, Pepper Potts, Valkyrie, Shuri

Summary: The one where you’re forced to socialize, your favourite mug is held hostage, and you just can’t see eye to eye with Darcy.

Warnings: age gap relationships, sugar mommy/sugar baby relationships, swearing, aggression, cheating, all story is gonna be +18, you are responsible for your own ass. 

Word count: 6174

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my beloved friend, legend, amazing hair cut girl, bike riding icon, and the best horse trainer in this world. You are the kill leader of my life, and I love you a lot. It's a little early, but happy incredible birthday!

Thanks to @charturnus for editing, helping to write and posting this fic.

Previous chapter

CHAPTER 3

“Can I help you?”

 Soft and soothing, that's the way you would describe her voice if anyone would ask, but nobody did, so let's move on. You try to find anything to say that would take you out of this “deer caught in the headlights” moment, not daring to take more time to let the silence linger. You straighten out your posture trying to physically take up more space, trying to show any ounce of confidence in this really not confidence allowing, environment that your day created for you. 

“Actually yes. Would you like to talk about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ? The one and only, who can save us from the pits of hell that humanity is running into with this whole LGBT propaganda, women trying to have rights, not being chained to the kitchen madness.” She looks confused which gives you the upper hand, at least that's what you think until she gives you this cocky but proud smile which catches you off guard, and now you are the confused one. 

“You must be y/n. It's really nice to meet you. I’ve been looking forward to it.” She takes a step back to let you into your own apartment and sticks her hand out towards you to get an actual greeting. You go in and take off your shoes, only using your heel and toes for it. You don't put the bags down, and you don't engage in the physical contact that the redhead is waiting for. You look up at her, and you appreciate the much better lighting than the one in the café, because right now you can actually see the depth in the colour of her eyes. You’ve never seen eyes like that, and it's deeply interesting. As much as you want to go into this, inside of your head, on an intellectual journey about why people have different eye colours and if their lifestyle can change the outcome of that colour. But it’s not the space or time for that, so you force yourself back into the present, to the woman standing with her hand outstretched. 

“Yeah it's me. And all day I was looking forward to getting a shower, so excuse me.” You don't even give her a chance to respond as you move swiftly around her and disappear deeper into the apartment, quickly walking into your room. You feel a little bit awkward and embarrassed, but your priority is your mental state right now, and you need to wash the day off of your body. 

After putting everything in place and taking a shower which took you around 30 minutes, because you are not trying to get Darcy mad, she is terrifying when she is mad, you pull some outfit together and go to the living room where you hear everybody chatting. Classic loose mom jeans and a sentimental flannel fit you nicely, not showing too much of your skin, but still not making you a nun. 

As you walk in, you throw a loud “hi guys,” in the direction of the sitting area, and go straight to the kitchen which is connected to the living room by the island. Maria immediately stands up to hug you, and she’s never too shy to show care through physical touch. It makes a lot of sense since it's her love language.

You hug her back with just as much force as she does, and as she is going back to where she was sitting, you take a non-alcoholic cold beer out of the fridge. 

“We have wine if you are interested.”  This voice is also new to you, but this one is a little bit deeper. It's flowing through the room and if you wouldn't have any control over yourself, like your flatmates, you would probably have goosebumps all over your body. 

“She doesn't drink, this bitch is in the sober club.” Darcy answers for you, clearly a little bit pissed that you didn't say hi before the shower, but you hear the little hint of teasing in her voice. 

“That's interesting. Why?” Another new voice makes you turn around and lean on the kitchen island. Just then, you take in the whole picture in front of you. The biggest couch is occupied by Carol and Darcy sitting between her legs. Carol's hand is intertwined with your friend's and as much as you will never admit it, the lovesick look on your friend's face is making you really happy and glad that she found someone like Carol. In the big chair on your right there is a new figure, a really elegant woman you have never met before, but in some way her face is familiar. Her strawberry blonde hair is put into a tight ponytail, and it makes her features look really sharp. Her business outfit brings out the seriousness in her, but a fancy, colourful drink with a big piece of grapefruit levels it out to a neutral position. She has a hard demeanour with a really warm, friendly smile. You are aware that on the left side of the room, on a smaller couch, sits Maria with the two women you recognize from the café. Without making direct eye contact with them, in the corner of your eye you can say that your flatmate is throwing herself at them, which they don't seem to mind. The woman that greeted you at the door is on her left with her hand in Maria's hair, the woman on her right is less shy, freely grabbing her exposed thigh. You are pretty sure that they both are looking straight at you, but you are putting your attention to answer the question. You hop smoothly onto the kitchen counter and lean back for the beer glass. Taking a long sip, you think of an answer while looking at the woman in the chair. 

“What’s interesting is the fact that people always ask why I don’t drink. I mean, if I were to tell you that I don't eat carrots nobody would question it, but as soon as it's about the alcohol people ask why. Social constructs, I guess. But about why, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of the year.” You casually explain. 

“And you can’t drink while you take your medication?” The same deep voice turns your attention to the left. They seem to be really interested in what you're saying. Their focus on you is razor sharp. 

“I can and I did. I mean, you probably shouldn’t and my psychiatrist doesn't recommend it, even if I didn't have any bad reactions to drinking. It was a good enough excuse for me to stop. I don't enjoy getting drunk either way, and since I'm always sober, I can at least be the DD.” She seems confused, but Carol makes sure to fill her in as soon as you are done talking.

“Designated driver. One person always agrees to not drink, so everybody can get home safely.” Redhead nods in acknowledgement, and Carol lets go of Darcy to allow her to stand up to refill their drinks. 

“Did you bring the whisky?” It's Darcy's favourite kind and the only thing she orders while visiting you at work. You have to admit that it's a really nice 12-year-old blended, scotch whisky, and the only thing you miss since you stopped drinking. Without answering her, you jump off the counter and leave the living room to grab two bottles from your room. As you bring them back, she already prepared glasses for everybody to try. While she fills them up, she starts speaking.

“Y/n this is Pepper, Pepper Stark. She is the CEO of Stark tech company. She is also in the middle of writing an incredible book.” She introduces you as she hands the drink to the woman on the chair. Her name gives you an idea of why she seems familiar. Tony Stark teaches at your ex's university. You heard so much about him that you feel like you were attending his course yourself. Cold but creative, a leader but a dickhead, the list goes on and on. Adding up all you know from Shuri and other students, you can assume why she divorced this talented bastard. The news made it out to be a massive deal when she overtook his company. But Stark tech has never been better than under her leadership. 

“Nice to meet you, y/n.”

“Likewise.” You nod at her from a distance. You have a lot of respect for powerful, successful women. 

“This is Natasha and this is Wanda.” They don't bother standing up, so you don't move from your position waiting for Darcy to give you more information. 

“They are the co-owners of a law company. Wanda is an amazing lawyer with a Smith Award and Natasha is a CFP designated financial adviser.” You nod at them, completely unamused. 

“That's impressive.” It’s not. “ Nice to meet you both, I’m y/n.” 

“I think we already know each other, sugar.” Natasha says, and you can't help but be curious about where she finds the audacity. Her eyes are fixated on you while her hand stays on Maria’s thigh, but travels a little bit higher. You can't help but watch and think to yourself…. What the fuck. This whole situation is rather weird, but your roommate definitely enjoys the attention. You on the other hand feel like they both are trying to dominate you, and you are about to put it to stop, but before you can say anything, Wanda is already speaking. 

“We hope you enjoyed your cold brew. I bet it felt nice to not have to pay for your own coffee for once.” You don't even need a second to think. You grab your wallet from your back pocket, take out a 20 dollar bill and put it on the coffee table in front of Wanda, all without taking your eyes off of her. 

''You can keep the change.” This definitely pulls a reaction out of your friends. They know how much you work and how much you are struggling with finances. Trying to earn money to publish your poetry and to stop worrying about staying afloat every single month. You return to your place next to the kitchen island, not paying attention to Wanda’s or Natasha’s reaction. 

''y/n that’s not what she-'' Darcy starts speaking but is soon cut off by Wanda defending her motive. 

''That's not what I meant, baby.” Honestly, what is it with strangers and pet names? They see you for the first time and definitely feel too comfortable with their approach. 

“With all due respect, I went there just to support my friend, to watch over her in case it turns out that both of you are some creepy, thirsty, questionable individuals. I didn’t ask you to pay for it.'' 

“They were trying to be nice, y/n. That's it. Calm down.” Maria tries to settle you down, feeling uneasy in this situation. 

“Well in that case I really appreciate it. Please don’t do it ever again, thank you.” This situation is straight out of some Bruce Wayne shit. 

“Y/n! Are you okay?” The room went weirdly silent. Yes, you got a little bit heated, but you weren't even yelling or arguing. 

“Yeah. Why?” Darcy is on her feet immediately, same as Wanda. That confuses you even more. 

“You’re bleeding.” The redhead stands right in front of you with those green big eyes and all you think about is getting out of her reach. Just then, you look down, and your beer is stained red. Your hand travels immediately to your nose, finding out that you have a full on nose bleed. 

“Shit. Yeah, I'm okay just, shit… just give me a second.” You say quickly and if the whole attention wasn’t on you, people would’ve miss what you said. Someone goes after you, you can feel the presence behind you. 

“Fuck.” Just as you see yourself in the mirror, you get an idea of why their reaction was as big. Blood is literally dripping from your nose, it's not a light one either. As you lean above the sink trying to use cold water to minimize the damage, you hear the voice behind you. 

“Let me help. You have to-” 

“No, thanks, I got this.” Wanda won't let go that easily. 

“Baby, I'm just trying-” 

“Do you use nicknames on all strangers you meet?” You can't help but bite back, it makes you feel uncomfortable. She ignores your question and tries to move your flannel out of the back of your neck. You jump at her touch, not in a good way. Her hand is cold from the drink she was holding, and she is too close to you. 

“I don’t need your help.” Your hand is red, half of the sink stained, and the blood doesn't seem to stop coming any time soon. Before she can try to make a move one more time, the bathroom door opens with force. 

“Sit your ass down, and pinch your nose right above your nostrils.” Darcy is stern in her voice and right when you think about telling her off she continues. 

“I'm not going to tell you twice. Sit your ass down, or I'm going to yell for Carol, and she is going to make you.” You look at her in the mirror in front of you. She stands tall, arms crossed at her chest, while she is holding something green in one hand. Wanda is still in the bathroom with both of you, she looks surprisingly concerned about this whole situation. Darcy is not backing down and for your own sake you are sitting down on the toilet cover. 

“Always so fucking stubborn. Hold this.” A bag of frozen peas lands on the back of your neck, almost making you jump. 

“I got this.” Wanda chimes in and as you are about to argue, Darcy's look makes you stop. Coldness travels down your spine and your head feels light because of the blood loss. It happens often, but not as bad as this one. Your friend leaves, and as you are left with Wanda, all you want is to avoid unnecessary conversations. 

“Does it happen often?” Seems like you can't avoid it. 

“No.” 

“Darcy says it does.” 

“Then why do you ask?” For just a second she looks sad, and you realize that you act a little bitchy. 

“Sorry, it's just annoying.”

“It's okay, thank you for apologizing. Your friends say that you overwork yourself a lot. Is that the reason it's happening?”

“No. No, it's not.” 

“Then what is it? Her concern seems fake, or needed as a social expectation of the situation. You don't know why, but it makes you feel sick, or maybe it's the headache that's coming.

“Cocaine.” By her expression you can see that she is shocked but tries to be as casual about it as she can. 

“She’s kidding.” Darcy is no fun. She returns to your side and kneels in front of you, taking your head into her hands. As she makes sure you are okay, she tells Wanda to take off the bag, and you are surprised when you feel her drying your skin with a towel, after the ice melted. 

“Go lie down. And no working y/n. No essays, no school, no working. I mean it.” You laugh at her and thank both of them for help. After cleaning yourself up, you don't bother going to the living room anymore, and you disappear in your sheets. 

You wake up some time later with a full on headache. Naps are the worst thing that can happen. You never felt good after taking one. You put on a jumper and take a look at the time. It's dark outside and the clock shows 1am. You couldn't be more grateful for that. If that was 4am, you probably wouldn't go to sleep anymore. Since it's relatively early, you can still catch a couple of hours of sleep. Priority now is taking care of your headache.

The apartment is really quiet. As you move smoothly through the hall, you pay attention to the shoes mess at the entrance. Pepper is not here, but it seems as though Carol and two redheads are still in your apartment. Also, Kate still isn't back. Her room is open and as much as you would love to spare her the pain of the conversation that awaits, it's killing you that she still isn't aware of what happened. Even the worst of the truths is better than lying. 

It’s dark, soft light comes from your bedroom behind you and the living room in front of you. Darcy's doors are closed, which means that Carol is probably staying the night, it's not unusual. You just don't understand why they would stay here when they have like five other houses to choose from. You are surprised to see the living room occupied. On one of the stools, you can see Wanda finishing up a glass of red wine. Her lips are a little bit stained because of it, and the soft light coming from the candle brightens up her face, bringing out all the features. Her jaw looks really sharp, and you can't help but think that rich people definitely put too much money into fixing up unimportant things about them. It would be amazing if that kind of operation would work on personalities too. As soon as she sees you, she puts down her glass and straightens her posture, probably trying to dominate you. It's too late for that, and you are too tired to play her game, so you don't acknowledge her presence. 

“How are you feeling, y/n?” She asks as you enter the kitchen to fish inside the cabinet for your favourite tea and your mug. You stay silent, trying to pretend that you didn't hear her worried voice, flowing through the empty kitchen. 

“Y/n?” She tries again, her voice is softer now as you are about to run away. She thinks you are weak. At least that's what you are telling yourself. 

“I feel thirsty.” You search the inside of the cabinet trying to navigate through a million types of cups, mugs and glasses, thinking why do you need so many. You hear her subtle laughter, and god nobody made you that confused with their reactions, confused and annoyed. You swear under your breath, not finding your favourite green mug in the place it should be. The dishwasher is open and empty, and all you can think of is searching the house to find your comfort object. It's a gift from your brother, and everybody knows not to touch it, so who in the hell would-  it's like a lightbulb being turned on above your head. You turn around with so much power, scanning the surroundings in front of you. You spot your mug standing next to Wanda, and she catches that.

“Oh, that's what you’re looking for?” She makes it sounds like a question, but her smirk is nothing else but an invitation to her game, in which you are not planning to participate. As you let out a loud sigh, you go around the kitchen island to grab it. At the same time she turns around on the chair following your movement. You are not going to ask for it back, just as she didn't ask if she can use it. Is it normal for people like them to just take what they want? 

“Oh, you want it?” Honestly, you can help but think, “is she dumb?”.

“No, actually I came over to leave it where it is, I just wanted to see it up close.” Sarcasm is dripping from every word you say. Your sentence is coated in it hoping that she will get the message. 

“It or me?” 

“Oh get over yourself” You reach to her left, the mug is almost in your hand, but she is faster. She snatches it into her hand, drinks the rest of the water she had in it, and lifts it up to have it out of your reach. 

“Why would I? I enjoy it too much.” Your eyes are fixated on hers, the green colour sparkles with golden flakes in dimmed light. Her left hand keeps her stable by holding the counter. Your eyes are going lower, following the movement of her body. Her jacket falls lightly to the sides as she opens her legs in front of you. She wants you to reach for it. It feels like you have to work for your own property. 

“Of course you do. Does the lack of manners come in a rich, self-indulgent package?” It seems like she is too mighty to have people talking to her that way. As much as you adore Carol, her friends are not your favourite kind of people. While she takes a second to react to the boldness of your statement, you use this moment to your advantage. You grab her free wrist and pull it into your direction, causing her to lose balance and fall forward. To avoid an actual fall, she grabs anything to regain control, and the closest thing to her is you. Her hand falls right onto your waist. As being just in your pyjamas, a basic t-shirt is not helpful when her cold palm digs into your side. The whole situation takes like 5 seconds, and you can't react fast enough to get out of her grip. You find yourself in an awkward position. Her face is too close to yours, as she gasps you can feel her breath on your skin. It's also cold, you assume it's because of the wine she was just drinking. It has to be an expensive kind, too, because you can't smell sulphur in her breath. Instead of actually letting you go, she seems to fight herself not to bring you closer. You can't figure out what kind of game she is playing, but you refuse to give her the upper hand in whatever this is. You get closer to her, your lips barely inches apart, her breath hitches, and before she can make any move she hears you whisper.

“Let me go.” The realization of what she is doing comes on her really fast, and she looks almost scared. The proximity of your bodies allows you to grab the mug at the last second and as she lets you go, you return to the kettle. You notice that the air in the room feels thick, so you make a mental note of opening a window before returning to your room. Trying to salvage your grip on the situation, you decide to change the topic, not mentioning that you are already convincing yourself that nothing happened.

“So!” That brings her attention towards you. The steaming green mug in your hand feels like a trophy. 

“Where's your wife?” You take a sip, trying to sound natural and casual. It's after 1am, and you are in the kitchen, with a stranger, wearing a t- shirt and underwear as your pyjamas, after the two of you were in a really uncomfortable position. Bringing her wife up right this moment feels like an excellent idea. 

“How do you know she's my wife? Maybe we are just partners.” The glass of wine returns to her hand, and you have to admit that it suits her. 

“Your ring. Both of you have matching ones, yours was corrected into a smaller size, family heirloom I assume.” Wanda looks like she waits for you to continue, so you do. 

“It's 2 different kinds of gold. The original one is warmer, more coppery and less yellow in tone, it's called Hamilton Gold. When you had it resized, they used a different kind of gold for soldering.” For a second, she looks down at her own hand, and she doesn't look back up at you before taking another sip of her wine. When her eyes meet yours, the only thing you can read in them is amazement. 

“Oh, don't look at me like that. I have hobbies.”

“It's surprising that you have time for hobbies. You know, with your schedule.”

“Careful, you’re making it sound like you think you actually know me.” It seems like on every corner of the conversations you have something new for her. You are brutally honest, sarcastic, even rude sometimes and too stubborn for her liking. 

“You don't like me, do you?” Before you have a chance to even think about an answer, your conversation is interrupted by the other redhead. 

“Hi rodnaya. Sorry it took so long. I just need a glass of water, and then we can go.” Natasha comes up to her wife and kisses her on the cheek. Wanda smiles at that immediately, and you are trying to read them. They seem happy, what would they even look for anything else, are they playing a part in front of you? Or maybe they are just bored in life? You take in the view in front of you. Wanda's lips are even more stained than before, and it seems like Natasha got an imprint of that from her kiss. Just a second ago, you were just as close with her wife, it doesn't feel right. A shiver goes down your spine, but you decide to have this mental fight later. Natasha is a little bit taller than Wanda. Their eyes are similar in colour but have completely different natures. It reminds you of a lake and the ocean, both blue but at the same time totally different. Their hair colour is also different, and Nat’s hair is shorter than her wife’s. As you take your eyes off of their faces, you realize that her outfit that was so well put together before, is absolutely ruined. Her shirt is wrinkled, you are pretty sure that her fly is open, and her pants seem to have been put on in a hurry. You thought about possible reasons for it and, God, you wish you didn't. Maria likes to have fun, and she for sure wouldn't pass on this kind of opportunity. Before creating unwanted images in your head, Wanda’s voice takes you out of your thoughts.

“Oh, don't worry, I had a glass of wine and amazing company.” By the last bit, they are both looking at you. It's two versus one, and you don't like those odds. 

“Well, I'm glad you did. Thank you, y/n, for taking care of my girl.” 

“No worries, there are just a hundred other things I would rather be doing.” It's late, you are tired, and low on blood. These are perfect conditions for bitchiness. Luckily, they are not asking more and not picking up the topic. As Wanda finishes her wine and sends a fast text on her phone, you are getting ready to go back to bed. You are stopped in your tracks by a hand reaching into your direction. 

“Here. If you ever have more gold fun facts or feel the need to talk about our lord and saviour, call us.” A nicely printed business card contains Wanda’s and Natasha’s names, followed by two phone numbers. You look at her with a fake, softish smile.

“I’ll call you, if I ever need a lawyer. Thank you.” You nod at her and Natasha and while feeling their eyes on you, you throw the card into the bin. Your methods might be a little brutal, but they never fail when it comes to people leaving you alone. You expect them to look disappointed, maybe even mad. Some little comment about how disrespectful you are, a much too loud scoff, precisely loud for you to hear. You can't read them, and it's infuriating, you don't feel safe. Wanda smiles at you, showing a little dimple on her left side. She hands something to her wife and as Natasha takes it from her hand she sends you a smirk and puts another business card down on the counter.  The sound of closing doors makes all of you turn into the direction of Darcy's room. Carol looks like she was almost asleep, being woken up at an ungodly hour. 

“I got your text, are you guys ready?” The question is thrown in the general direction of the living room. The two redheads are on their feet immediately collecting their belongings. Carol looks at you and sends you a warm smile. 

“You look better y/n. Keep your nose bleeds in check, Darcy is really worried about you.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Since your best friend told you about her partner's favourite title, you have been smoothly using it to throw Carol off. It seems to work, as she always puts her hands into fists, taking a couple of deep breaths. 

“It was lovely to meet you, y/n.” Wanda is sweet in her voice, still having this curious look while studying your face. 

“It really was. See you around, sugar.” Natasha is more cocky, and it doesn't look as good on her as she thinks. 

As the apartment loosen up and gets more quiet, you want to take a couple extra minutes to unwind after everything, just sitting on the couch and taking in the view from the big windows. 

“You’re still awake.” Darcy is up, and she is the only person whose presence you don't mind right now, or ever. 

“Yeah, you know how naps work on me. I thought you were asleep.” She sits next to you and steals your mug. Taking a long sip of lightly warm tea, she puts her head on your rough shoulder. You adjust your body to make it more comfortable for the both of you. 

“I almost was, but Carol has some meetings in the morning, and she had to go.” You only nod in understanding, and the room is filled by comfortable silence. This is something that you were only able to build up with Darcy. Complete trust towards each other and the whole truth between the two of you, without actually having to say a word. It takes time, and effort, but you are always willing to put in more, but it doesn't mean that you don't fight. 

''What do you think about what happened?'' Her question takes you by surprise and only after giving it a couple of seconds thought, do you get what she is asking about.

“You didn't tell me that the date was with two women.”

“Does it matter?” 

“It would if I had to take them out. You know, they could always turn out as some creeps.”

“They aren’t.” Darcy sounds serious, and it throws you off a little bit. These kinds of topics work as a dynamite on both of you. Just a little spark to set off an explosion. You don't agree with each other on a lot of levels, but usually you can find a middle ground. You are not so sure if that's the case right now. 

“Why would Maria take money from strangers, though. At some point they will either want to take it back and will try to make her do something for it. Nobody gives this amount without asking for anything back.” It's shady, they are, and you don't like it. You would do everything to protect your friends, they are your family. Knowing that someone has so much power over one of your friends doesn't sit right with you. 

''Maybe they just wanted to be nice.'' You roll your eyes. You said what you said, and Darcy can't make you change your mind. It's surprising she is even trying, 

“I don’t know… all of it seems a little extreme.” You are confused, for sure, but you also feel some kind of disgust. Letting someone pay just because, it’s …. It's wrong. And then just going to bed with a complete stranger while her wife is in the next room. 

“It’s not that extreme.” Darcy tries to reason with you, educate you on unknown topics. You were trying to see things from her side, but it's like talking in different languages. 

“Darcy, you are literally wearing a dog collar.” You say while hooking your finger in the metal hoop, tugging at it very lightly. She slaps your hand away and looks offended. 

“It's not a dog collar. God y/n. You know it's not about humiliating or degrading someone. It's a matter of ownership, Carol engraved her name on it, and it makes me feel loved beyond reason. She chose me, and she chooses me every single day. My collar shows how much she cares about me, and how proud she is of me. Carol is so happy to have me that she wants to show the rest of the world that I’m all hers, that they can only look but never touch. Tell me how that is degrading. 

“This seems like a control freak thing.” You are getting really close to the boundaries right now, you can feel it. She is getting fed up, her head long gone from the space on your shoulder. Her face is shocked by the things you say. It's not going too well. 

“Talking about it is one thing, but talking shit about my girlfriend is not acceptable. You've known Carol all this time… Did she ever come across as a control freak? Also, have you ever noticed her ring?” You think for a second, trying to recall the image of it in your head.

“The silver one she never takes off? I swear to god she showers, sleeps, and works with this thing on.”

“It has an engraving on the inside of it. A sign that she belongs to me just as much as I belong to her. Don’t speak up about things you know shit about.” At this point, she is standing up in front of you, and you feel trapped. Abandoning the conversation seems like the best decision at this moment, you are just too deep into it, and you don't know how to save yourself. You never meant to insult your friends. 

“Okay, let's leave you and Carol for a second. What about Maria, God I would die for her, but she wants to be under somebody so much. Provide for her, tell her what to do, what to say, what to wear, who to be. This is not normal.” You really do love her, but you simply don't understand. If that were you, you would do everything to make it stop. 

“Let’s not leave Carol and me. I want the same things from Carol, I'm getting the same things from Carol. Am I not normal?” You can see tears forming in her eyes. It's rare for you two to make each other cry, but every time you do, it's like hell visiting earth. You stand up to be with her on the same level, and as you do, you realise it's a mistake. Your mouth seems to work faster than your brain, and you wish you never said out loud the things you are about to say.  

“Fuck sorry Darcy but it's sick. Making yourself barely exist for someone's pleasure. If you are too scared to live your life, just say so. I love you, but the fact that you chose the easy way doesn't mean I need to approve of it. I love you Darcy, so much, the last thing I want and have time for is arguing with you right now. I don't think we are going to find middle ground here”. If the looks could kill, you would be dead right there and then. She balls her hand into a fist, but you stand your ground. She moves towards you, you feel her hot breath on your face, nostril flare up, and her eyes filled to the brim with sadness, threatening to spill.

She puts a finger on your chest with surprising force, but you still didn't move. You feel smaller under her gaze, not really sure why. Her next words proved what kind of power she has in your life.

“Sick? There is no middle ground in this. You are just wrong, so, so wrong about all of this. God, how can you be so fucking blind? You are not better than any of us, just because you decide to be lonely with your struggles. Grow up, because I want my fucking friend back, and until you do, don't talk to me.” 

That's it. She just stormed off to her room, leaving you in heavy silence. You’ve had arguments before, but you never said out loud what you actually think about the style of relationships your friends are living or want to live in. You should have kept your mouth shut. Mentally scolding yourself, you finish your tea and decide to try to fall asleep. Today was too long, and you wish none of it ever happened at all. 

Next chapter

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Tag list:

@autorasexy @lizziejolsen @natashaswife4125 @sayah13 @romanoffskisser @lijo-8 @jjiiuuisssagcebrcw @natashaswife4125 @dumbassbitchwithnotits @teenybean

[cblgblog]

Tess lives, does Jackson go better or worse?

Yes.

Better because Joel probably isn’t having the panic attacks with Tess there, at least not to the degree we see in the show. The whole ‘I’m failing her in my sleep,’ and ‘I wake up knowing I’ve lost something,’ that’s still gonna be there, but so much of it was also tied to him being ALONE with Ellie. The writers have said that Tess was the one who made the plans, and the only one who could in any way control Joel emotionally (see the way she talks him down when he’s losing his shit about her being beaten up and the fear of not getting the battery). He was alone with Sarah when she died. It was his job to protect her, his only job in life was to protect her, and he failed that spectacularly. So when Tess dies it goes from him not wanting to get attached to this kid at all to the added thing of, he failed Tess too, she’s gone and she made the plans, now it’s back to just him in charge of keeping this girl alive, and he has a shit track record at that. So while he’s probably scared to death still, and he may well still be having nightmares, Tess would be there to calm him down and keep him somewhat grounded.

Worse, because all that being said, he probably still wants to have Tommy finish things off. Because he’s still terrified of this kid, and what he had and lost with Sarah, but by then he’d have something else to be scared of too, which is Tess with this kid. The two of them together, with this kid. Whatever happened to Joel’s wife—we don’t know if she died or left or how long she was potentially in Sarah’s life—she clearly hadn’t been a thing in a long time when Sarah died. He’s a single dad, that’s what he is. Except he wouldn’t be with Tess there, he’d be watching Tess with this kid and trying not to get attached to that dynamic too, and be failing miserably. So he’s got a whole other thing to be terrified of losing.

Now, regardless of how he asks Tommy or if he even gets that far here—because he cannot fucking have that conversation with Tess in the room with them, he’d immediately get murdered—Tess would be pissed the fuck off at him for even voicing the thought. She’d understand why he’s having it, but she’d be pissed the fuck off, never mind if he actually does ask Tommy when she’s not around, because that’s a whole other level of murder rage. Because she wasn’t going to ditch the kid even at the start. If she’s lived through all this stuff with them on top of that…there’s no scenario where she’d ever allow Tommy to take Ellie. Which, look, if Tess was alive, let’s be real, Tommy’s immediate and only response would be what does Tess say?

Maria is also better and worse. Better because okay, there’s a woman here, I don’t have to worry about teaching the kid about period supplies. It’s not just a very small teenage kid just, alone with this guy. Worse because okay, she does not trust Joel in canon. She’d trust Joel with Tess even less, because Tommy’s told her what Tess is capable of as well. Also, Maria never would’ve gotten a chance to try and question Ellie alone if Tess was there. Just, never would’ve happened. Which, Maria would know that Tess was doing that, keeping her from being alone with the kid, so Maria finds out even less than she does in canon about the situation and…it’d be a whole thing, okay? Maria and Ellie, that was already a chess game, in terms of the back and forth there. Maria and Tess, that would be 4-D chess on steroids.

There’s just, so much about Jackson that would be the same and different if Tess lives, man. Ellie might still bolt, if she hears them talking about stuff and realizes that Joel wants to ditch her even if Tess doesn’t. Or she might not, because she knows Tess wouldn’t ditch her. But even if she did take off like canon, she and Joel wouldn’t have the ‘Everybody fucking except for you’ moment, the ‘I’m not your daddy, you sure as hell aint my daughter’ moment. It just wouldn’t happen like it did in canon, even if part of it did, which is a whole thing by itself because that moment is so, so pivotal to their arc in canon.

Anyway yeah um, that. Better and worse, because very, very few things in TLOU would ever go entirely and completely better, regardless of any changes that are made.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Mine - Chapter 11

Summary: Joel is distraught over what happened with Y/N and he decides to take matters into his own hands in order to make things work with Negan.

Characters: Joel Miller, Negan, the reader (OC, third person)

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45115177/chapters/116532988

Warnings: Swearing, angst, smut, smut between two men, etc.

Notes: PLEASE READ. So yeah, if you aren't comfortable with two men being together, please don't read this chapter. You can nope out or just skip this chapter and wait for the next one. Am I giving spoilers? Yes. But I promised I always would let people know. So, you've been warned.

Tossing and turning in his bed, Joel found himself wide awake. Today had already been a hell of a day. Instead of going to work like he was supposed to do, he found himself locked away in his room all day. Maria came and talked to him about what he had done to Negan. Obviously, he was going to be the talk of the town because it was small and a lot of people witnessed him beat Negan to a bloody pulp. So that meant that the whole town now knew. There were those people that guessed what had happened and understood why Joel did what he did, but there was those that were actually scared of Joel because of his actions. Because of that, some people asked him to be jailed for what he did as punishment, but since he was who he was Maria just suggested to have him take a few days to himself. It was a house arrest in a way. Which made this whole thing hard as fuck because downstairs was Y/N and Joel had to keep himself upstairs to make this whole thing not awkward, but it was uncomfortable. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be and it just felt wrong.  

Earlier Ellie had brought Joel some food and she really had come to just check on him because she had obviously heard the gossip around town. Ellie did her best to be kind and understanding with him, but he didn’t want to drop all of his dirty laundry onto Ellie especially with everything she had already been through in her life. Thing was, Ellie wasn’t stupid so she picked up on things easily and tried to give him advice to her best ability without making things weird and making him feel uncomfortable which was a nice thing.

No matter how hard Ellie tried to lift his spirits up though, all Joel could think about was the situation at hand. And he felt horrible about all of it. The main thing he felt right now was regret. He wished he would have never come up with the horrible idea to pretend that he forgot about the special day he was supposed to plan for Y/N. For holding out the I love you for something special instead of just telling her it when he actually felt it. It upset him that he let his anger get the best of him to the point that he beat the hell out of someone he cared for greatly just because he wasn’t good enough to make the woman that he loved feel special.

The image of a terrified Morgan repeated in his mind and he had no idea how to fix things with her. All he knew is that he had so much work that had to be done in order to make up for all of this and it was all he kept thinking about. The last thing he wanted was Y/N leaving him over this mistake. It stuck with him that she told him that she couldn’t be with him because she slept with Negan and he was trying to figure out what he could do with that information. What could he do to change her view on that?

Huffing loudly, he turned on his side again and looked back over his shoulder to see that it was late into the night and he was still wide awake. Rolling onto his back, he stretched out at the center of his bed and he knew that he wouldn’t be comfortable laying alone in this bed all to himself.

Getting up from the bed, he reached for his shirt that he had pulled off earlier to pull it back down his body. Grabbing one of his button up plaid shirts, he buttoned it together and looked back over his shoulder at the nightstand beside his bed. It took a minute for him to think things out before he walked over to grab something from the top drawer and then pushed it into his back pocket. Pulling the belt in his pants back together, he headed for the door and moved quietly down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, he sat on the bottom step and from where he was seated, he could see Y/N sleeping on the couch. It made his chest ache seeing her cuddled up under the blanket that she had thrown over herself. It made him feel bad to know that she blamed herself as much as she did. Rocking on the step, Joel’s fingers clasped together and he shook his head.

With a grunt, he pulled himself up to his feet and moved carefully enough through the home so that she wouldn’t wake up. Taking his time to pull open the front door, he made sure that he was quiet enough to sneak out. There was a flash of lightening that filled the sky making him frown when he realized that it was starting to pour right as he was making his way out. There was an immediate chill that filled his body once he stepped out into the rain that was freezing. Lowering his head, Joel walked to Negan’s house knowing that he had to talk to Negan about what happened.

When he got to the door, he held his hand out to knock, but he didn’t know if he should. The last thing Negan wanted to see right now was probably him and he knew that. Finally caving, Joel knocked at the door knowing that he was just letting his emotions get the better of him. It was late at night, it was raining and he assumed Negan was not comfortable. There was no doubt that Negan should have been sleeping right now and resting, but Joel was still hopeful that he would be able to talk to him. It was a lot to expect someone to be able to get up and talk to them during the middle of the night though.

Turning on his heel, Joel went to head back toward home until he heard the door pulling open slightly and he looked over his shoulder. Negan had only opened the door partially and by the flashing of the lightening that filled the sky Joel could see Negan’s face making Joel let out an uncomfortable breath. There was a bruise already under Negan’s left eye where it was a bit swollen, his cheekbone all the way up to his eyebrow was swelled and bruised with a gash near the middle of the bruise and over his right eyebrow there was a cut that looked like it was bleeding again making Joel’s chest get tight.

“I know you don’t want to see me right now,” Joel began as he turned to face Negan, staying far enough back to keep his distance so Negan knew that he wasn’t going to hurt him. “What I did earlier, it was wrong. I should have never touched you in front of Morgan. I shouldn’t have touched you at all. I’m sorry. I overreacted.”

Negan was silent, his hazel eyes gazing over Joel while he stood in the rain throwing his feelings out there, “You are the only person in this fucking town that showed me any sort of kindness. You opened your family to me and I ruined that.”

“No you didn’t,” Negan scoffed, pushing the door open further nodding toward his house to suggest that Joel came in. “Get out of the rain and we can talk about things.”

“No, I don’t deserve to come in there after what I did,” Joel reasoned, his jaw clenching when Negan shook his head and stepped out into the rain with Joel closing the front door behind him so the two of them were together. “What are you doing? You’re going to get sick.”

“Well you want to talk and if you won’t come into my home, then I guess we’ll get sick together out here in the fucking rain,” Negan declared pushing his hands into his pockets. Negan looked like he was in pain, but pushing through it just to be able to talk to Joel. “I’m not upset with you for beating the hell out of me. I deserved it. I just wish you would have let me get Morgan inside before you did it.”

“I wish I wouldn’t have done it at all,” Joel explained, dropping his head in shame. There were so many words he wanted to say, but they just weren’t coming out right and he knew that his apology would never be good enough. “I don’t know why I did it. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I made her feel all of these things. It’s my fault for making her believe that I didn’t love her.”

“You’re using that word now, huh?” Negan noted making Joel’s eyebrows arch up when he lifted his head to stare out at Negan. It was probably surprising hearing Joel use the word love after Joel avoided it so harshly in the past. “That’s good, I’m happy for you.”

“You don’t know, do you?” Joel pushed making Negan shrug his shoulders. Y/N hadn’t left the house and people probably didn’t come to gossip with Negan since he was the one that got his face beat in. Which meant Negan only knew two things. Y/N cheated on Joel with him and Joel found out which was why he beat the shit out of him. Negan didn’t know the real thing that happened. “I didn’t actually leave town yesterday. I was setting up things for her birthday because I thought it would surprise her more if she thought I was gone when she came back home. I was going to try to have everything set up for the evening. I had a song prepared where I was going to tell her I loved her and I was going to ask her to marry me. Had the ring and everything. There was a reason I avoided telling you about her birthday. It’s because I wanted it to be a secret.”

“Fuck,” the color from Negan’s face drained completely and he let out a loud exhale, his long eyelashes fluttering. It looked like he would go to speak up but would stop halfway through thinking something out and Negan shook his head. “Joel, I had no fucking clue. I swear…I am so sorry. I knew that it was wrong, but I just…I couldn’t…”

“You love her?” Joel finished for Negan making Negan lift his head, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. With a single nod, Negan shrugged his shoulders and didn’t know what to say. “It’s hard not to. How long have you loved her?”

“Before I even knew you existed,” Negan answered hearing the sound of thunder rumbling around them and he lifted his head to look up at the sky. The rain grew around them and it had already been raining like hell as it was. “I’m sorry Joel. From the first moment I spoke to her, I fucking liked her. I always have. I just never thought I was good enough for her. When you showed up, she was all over you and I pushed those feelings I had for her down. I just wanted her happy. It broke my heart seeing her so sad and…”

“I get it,” Joel lifted his hand to stop Negan from explaining himself any further. “It’s easy to love her. And she loves you too.”

“And she loves you as well,” Negan reminded Joel knowing that it seemed like Joel was incredibly upset still. It was a strange situation to work through. “It’s complicated.”

“No shit,” Joel grunted making Negan’s jaw flex when Joel looked back over toward the house.

When a blinding crack of lightening filled the sky followed by an exceedingly loud rumble of thunder surrounded them, Negan headed back for the house and waved Joel toward getting him to come inside, “Before we die out here because of mother nature, just come inside.”

Joel didn’t feel comfortable following Negan into his home after what Joel did, but he followed him regardless. Joel stayed by the door watching Negan head over toward the kitchen to disappear for a minute before coming back out with a hand towel over his eyebrow. Guilt ate away at Joel knowing that Negan was still suffering greatly from what he had done earlier.

“Are you okay?” Joel questioned making Negan huff when he stood at the middle of the room. “Okay enough?”

“I probably got one hell of a concussion, but I’m working with it. I scratched the damn thing when I was putting ice on it,” Negan pulled the hand towel away from his face to check how much it was still bleeding over his eyebrow. “I’ve got a hard head, you shouldn’t worry about it. I’m a fucking bleeder too, so it’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a big fucking deal,” Joel corrected Negan immediately making Negan smirk and shake his head. “I could have killed you if Morgan hadn’t stopped me. I was hitting you hard. I was so fucking mad at you that I didn’t care what I was doing. That’s not the man I want to be.”

Negan went silent and in that moment Joel realized how wet the both of them were from being outside in the rain. It left a chill flooding Joel’s veins knowing that the rain was cold and his clothes were drenched in the rain. With a shrug of his shoulders, Negan didn’t know what to say either. They were both at a loss of words when it came to things.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” Negan restated what he had multiple times already. “I wanted to be close to both of you because I knew if I was, it would help me hold back on the feelings that I had. You trusted me with your life and your feelings. I fucked it over. I was your friend and I did the unthinkable.”

“You were her friend first and you wanted her to feel better. I get why it happened. Anyone who looks at the two of you knows there is a lot of chemistry between the two of you. I said it from the beginning, you make her smile and laugh in ways that I never could,” Joel cleared his throat, lowering his head when he felt his pulse racing in his throat. Jealousy always ate away at him with how the two of them were together before he became friends with Negan. That’s why he asked for help from Negan to begin with. “I don’t understand why you didn’t fight back.”

“Because I deserved it,” Negan pushed, his head nodding. “I cared about two people and I hurt both of them with the decision that I made. I told myself that I deserved no one. I lost both of my wives. I feel like I’m a jinx. Being with me is bad luck. But with her sad and crying, I just wanted to make her feel better. I knew that it would complicate things and I still did it. You had every right to want to crush my skull in.”

“You aren’t a jinx. You have just as much right to be with her as I do. I’ve done bad things too Negan. So if I can be with her, so can you,” Joel offered up his input making Negan tip his head to the side. Joel’s face twisted with an emotion that Negan couldn’t read. Joel’s eyes were on the ground, his body tensing up. Negan saw Joel’s fingers curling into fists at his sides and it made Negan lick his lips. “But she’s mine.”

“Okay,” Negan let out a long breath of air, noticing the way that Joel’s dark eyes lifted to his making Negan drop his arms at his side. “So, did you come to finish the job then? You want me out of the picture?”

“Finish the job?” Joel tipped his head to the side making Negan throw his hands up in the air before pointing to his face.

“If you’re going to kill me, then just make sure that Tommy takes care of Morgan. That’s all I ask of you,” Negan stammered with a defeated breath, his jaw flexing when he watched Joel’s eyebrows furrow. “Maybe it’s what I deserve at the end of the day. I’m a horrible person anyways. And she shouldn’t be in my life to begin with. Neither one of you…”

A wince escape Negan’s throat when Joel swiftly moved forward to grab a hold of Negan’s t-shirt that he was wearing. The way that Joel easily tossed Negan across the room onto the couch made Negan grunt out with how powerful Joel actually was. Joel stepped toward the couch, his brown eyes staring down at Negan with a shake of his head. Preparing himself, Negan expected for Joel to finish his beat down, but when Joel lowered down over him pressing his hand against the back of the couch Negan felt trapped and confused.

Grunting out, Negan felt Joel’s lips hammering in down over his making him let out a surprised sound with almost a whimper since he had a pretty fresh cut over his bottom lip. Staying frozen beneath the kiss, Negan let out a loud swallow when Joel pulled back slightly to see that Negan’s hazel eyes were big, “I’m confused.”

“I’m making this whole thing work,” Joel responded, his eyes gazing over Negan’s lips making Negan’s heart hammer inside of his chest with the closeness of Joel over him. “I’m setting some rules.”

“Rules?” Negan breathed out, the warmth of Joel’s breath over Negan’s lips making him swallow down hard again.

“You’re allowed to be in our relationship. We’ve talked about it. We understand it,” Joel lied, but he was making things up as he went. Negan’s eyebrows bounced up when Joel pressed in closer to Negan. “As long as you’re up to it, all three of us can be in a relationship together. We had talked about it before, but I got upset just with the timing.”

“Define, part of your relationship,” Negan had his hands braced on the couch not sure how to respond to everything he was being told. Joel still had him trapped at the corner of the couch with his back pressed firmly against it leaving him wondering where this whole thing was going. “Like, just a sex toy on the side or…?”

“Would that make you part of the relationship or would that make you a sex toy on the side?” Joel grumbled making Negan tip his head to the side still visibly confused. Why did this have to be so fucking hard to get out? “You said that you loved both Y/N and me. Right? And that you thought we were both the best-looking people here.”

“Well, yeah…” Negan answered, his face twisting before Joel’s lips claimed his again making his words come to a halt. With this kiss, Negan started kissing Joel back, his lips moving in careful movements wondering if there was a trick that was going to follow. Breathless, Negan pulled back, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “I didn’t think you were…you know…”

“Weren’t you the one that said you don’t like labels?” Joel reminded him of something that Negan said previously, his eyes gazing over Negan when he tipped his head to the side.

“But you said that she was yours,” Negan pointed out Joel’s previous words that Joel had just spoken, a shuddering sound falling from Negan’s throat when he watched Joel tugging at the buttons of his own button-down shirt to pull the wet material from his body. “Involving me in your relationship would make her ours. Not just yours.”

“It means that I don’t lose her,” Joel finished for Negan, his hands roughly tugging at Negan’s belt making Negan grunt with how rough that Joel was being. Joel undid Negan’s belt and then worked to get his jeans undone. “I know how you feel about us. Both of us.”

“Yeah, I never hid that I think you’re both fucking hot and that I care about you both a fuck load,” Negan was surprised how easily Joel was throwing him around in the moment, but he wasn’t pushing Joel away at the idea. “But is that what you want?”

“I was the one that came up with the idea Negan,” Joel responded, his messy, wet hair falling in his eyes with Negan staring up at him. “So what do you say? Are you willing to be with us?”

“Shouldn’t Y/N be here for us to make that kind of decision,” Negan licked his lips when he felt Joel tugging down the zipper in his pants making him groan out when he felt Joel almost stumble through getting his hand beneath the material. Dropping his head back, Negan felt Joel’s fingers wrapping around his length and his eyes came to a tight close.

“I told you what we discussed,” Joel dipped forward, his lips caressing over Negan’s jawline while he pumped his hand over Negan’s length. “The decision is already made as long as you’re comfortable with it.”

“Is us doing this really fucking appropriate after what happened? Sex complicates things,” Negan claimed making Joel pull back and stare down at Negan with his dark eyes. “I just don’t want to fuck things up more.”

“Do you not want this. Is Y/N all you want?” Joel inquired making Negan let out a loud exhale before reaching up to sink his fingers in to Joel’s messy hair. A grunt escaped Joel’s throat when Negan brought their mouths together in a hungry kiss that even shocked Joel himself.

“Is my dick hard?” Negan grumbled, his eyebrow arching almost in a sense of arrogance when Joel lowered his head before nodding. “Then of course I want this, but again…I just want the two of you happy. That’s what matters most to me.”

“Can’t you just stop being good with your fucking words so I can jerk you the fuck off?” Joel snapped making Negan snort before tipping his head to the side. Joel went back to caressing his palm over Negan’s length, his eyes watching Negan closely. There was no doubt that Negan’s face was sore and it made Joel feel guilty. Faintly kissing at the side of Negan’s face, Joel focused on some of the bruising over Negan’s face making him wince.

“I’m so confused. Are we supposed to be rough with one another or are we trying to be romantic because we’re playing ping pong with our emotions here. You’re jerking me off like you’re angry, but then you’re kissing my face like you care about me and I’m very fucking vulnerable right now,” Negan blurt out making Joel laugh which in return made Negan laugh as well before letting out a pained noise. “My face hurts when I laugh.”

“I haven’t done this in a long time,” Joel admitted with a long swallow making Negan nod, his fingers lifting to capture Joel’s chin between his thumb and index finger. “I’m used to being with Y/N, I don’t know…I don’t know what you like.”

“Do what you like,” Negan suggested noticing the way that Joel’s eyelids grew heavy. Dragging his fingers down over the side of Joel’s neck, down over the center of Joel’s chest and toward the top of his pants, Negan worked the belt in Joel’s pants open making him let out a nervous breath. “It’s okay…”

Closing the distance between them, Joel braced his knees on the couch when Negan’s hand disappeared beneath his jeans. Lifting up, Negan’s lips kissed down over Joel’s jawline with his long, slender fingers wrapping firmly around Joel’s erection. It made Joel’s eyes come to a tight close while Negan took his time working his fingers over Joel’s distended flesh causing Joel to hum out. Dropping his head against the side of Negan’s neck, Joel tried to match the way that Negan touched him making Negan faintly moan. Using his free hand, Negan worked to get the material of Joel’s jeans down his hips just enough to allow Joel’s hard cock to bounce free from behind the material. Doing the same thing to Negan, Joel kept his eyes locked on Negan’s while they touched each other, his throat tensing up when his lips parted and he let out a muted moan. Having this happen between the both of them wasn’t something that Joel expected, but it was happening. There was no doubt that it was happening. And it actually felt quite good. It was nerve wrecking but enthralling all at the same time.

“Fuck,” Negan growled out when Joel thrust his hips forward toward Negan’s caress causing their cocks to rub up against one another. Licking his lips, Negan noticed the way that Joel’s touch grew harder making shallow pants fall from his throat. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I’m the one that initiated this Negan,” Joel placed his hand over the center of Negan’s chest, pushing him back making Negan grunt. Standing up and before Negan, Joel wrapped his palm around the shaft of his own cock giving it a few strokes. “Come here.”

Obeying, Negan moved forward and Joel curled his fingers around Negan’s neck, pulling him in closer, “Show me that your mouth is good for more than just running it…”

“Really?” Negan snorted, his eyes lifting up to look at Joel with the bridge of his nose wrinkling. Joel’s eyebrows furrowed and he nodded to his solid length that he was holding in his grasp.

With a roll of his eyes, Negan felt Joel leading the tip of his hard cock over his wet lips. Negan’s eyes fluttered to a close when he dragged his tongue out over the tip making Joel’s throat tighten, the muscles in his body flexing while Negan took his time pressing wet kisses over Joel’s rigid manhood. Tipping his head back, Joel felt Negan grabbing a hold of his hips squeezing them firmly when he finally took Joel into the warmth of his parted lips. Wet sounds filled the living room making Joel’s lips part with the sensation of Negan taking him back into his throat before dragging back slowly. A shuddering exhale escaped Joel, his fingers sinking into Negan’s wet hair to push Negan further down his length making a gagging sound fall from Negan’s throat. Leading Negan’s movements over his erection, Joel dropped his stare so he could watch Negan giving him the blowjob. It had Joel’s thigh muscles flexing and he sucked in a sharp breath while he watched Negan enjoy pleasuring him. There was a fire growing in the pit of Joel’s belly when he yanked back on Negan’s wet hair to get him to pull back with a wet sound, his hazel eyes gazing up at Joel waiting for whatever direction Joel wanted next.

“Are you a top or a bottom?” Joel inquired feeling a chill flood his veins when Negan dragged his tongue out over his bottom lip in a seductive manner making Joel moan which even surprised himself.

“Either one. I’m not fucking picky,” Negan slurred reaching for Joel’s wrist to tug him down so Negan could nip faintly at Joel’s bottom lip. Giving it a small tug had a fire flooding inside of Joel when he stepped back and pulled his pants back up over his hips. It made Negan tip his head to the side and Joel nodded toward the stairs.

“Take me to your room,” Joel instructed, making Negan consider it not sure if that was a good idea or not. “Come on.”

“If that’s what you want,” Negan stood up from the couch and pulled his pants back over his hips before leading Joel up the stairs to his bedroom. When they entered, Joel locked the door behind them and Negan turned on his heel to throw his arms up in the air. “If sex is what you want, we have to be quiet because Morgan is a few rooms down. And I don’t have anything for us to use for lube Joel. Which I’m fairly fucking certain the two of us are going to need it. It’s been a while.”

Reaching inside of his pocket, Joel grabbed the thing that he had pulled out of the top drawer before he left. Tossing it to Negan, he watched Negan fumble with the bottle before lifting his head to stare out at Joel, “Where the fuck did you get lube?”

“I have a few bottles of it. There is this guy that I knew that had everything. His own little town. I think he had everything in that town. I may have snagged a few bottles the last time I was there,” Joel explained making Negan smirk when he looked down at the bottle that was in his hand.

Negan tossed the bottle back to Joel before reaching for his shirt to pull up and over his body. Tossing it aside, Negan shrugged his shoulders and watched Joel do the same with his shirt. Dropping the material down, Joel stared out at Negan making his chest rise and fall heavily. Negan rest his hands at his hips making Joel gaze over Negan’s slender hips that led to the v-line that led toward his opened pants, “I guess the question is which one of us is going to be in what position.”

Taking a bold movement forward, Joel pushed Negan toward the bed making Negan fall back on top of it. Lifting up onto his elbows, Negan watched Joel’s movements when Joel moved to the edge of the bed and dropped the bottle onto the bed. With a grunt, Negan felt Joel reaching for his hips to flip him over onto his stomach making Negan grasp tightly to the comforter balling up the material in his grasp. Tugging at Negan’s pants, Joel got them just below Negan’s small bottom before he fumbled with his own pants to get them down to his thighs.

Bracing his hand over the center of Negan’s long back, Joel reached for the bottle of lube hearing Negan’s loud breathing filling the air when Joel popped the lid and poured a significant amount into his palm before starting to lather his cock in the slick lubrication. Swallowing down, Joel grabbed a hold of the base of his cock and led the tip toward Negan’s tight opening making Negan pull his hips up and away from him.

“Joel,” Negan looked back over his shoulder at Joel seeing the way his big brown eyes stared out at him with confusion.

“I thought you said you were okay with being a bottom,” Joel reasoned with Negan seeing the way the taller man smiled making Joel’s heart flutter at the way Negan’s dimples sunk in.

“I am, you just have to get me ready for it first. You can’t just sink the ship without preparing the route,” Negan turned onto his side to stare out at Joel seeing that Joel’s erection was throbbing in his grasp. “I haven’t had sex with a man in a very long time. You have to open me up a bit. Prepare me. You’ve done this before, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Joel assured Negan with a nervous nod, an anxious breath escaping his lungs. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done something like this too. I’m sorry. I swear I’m not bad at sex, I’m just…this is new for me.”

“I trust you,” Negan whispered, reaching for Joel’s wrist to give it a small squeeze before turning onto his stomach again.

Adjusting his weight, Joel got comfortable on his knees at the bottom of the bed. When he was settled into place, he grabbed the lube once more and poured what he needed out to help prepare Negan. Watching carefully, Joel caressed over Negan’s ass giving it a firm squeeze before circling his fingers at Negan’s tight opening. A grunt fell from Negan’s throat making Joel lift his head to make sure that Negan still seemed to be comfortable while Joel took his time thrusting his fingers into the slender man beneath him. With time it seemed like Negan eased up and Joel took that as encouragement. Moving over Negan, Joel placed his knees at Negan’s sides and took his time to caress up and over the length of Negan’s long back. It made Negan let out an appreciative sigh before Joel reached down and braced himself over Negan. Lining himself up, Joel hesitated making Negan grunt when Joel finally pushed forward. Taking his time, Joel slid his hand in over Negan’s lower back while his left hand gripped Negan’s hip. Pushing forward and then pulling back slowly, Joel made sure to be careful while he thrust his hips watching Negan’s movements in attempt to make sure that he wasn’t hurting Negan. It took a while for Joel to get comfortable before he braced his weight on his arms and started to find a steady pace inside of Negan that they both seemed to be comfortable with.

With time, Joel’s thrusts became more confident with his fingers digging into Negan’s hips helping bringing him back with every thrust Joel made inside of him. It felt dirty, but so good at the same time that Joel found himself eager to thrust forward into the tight warmth that surrounded his cock repeatedly with every thrust.

Bracing himself steadier over Negan, Joel started bucking harder up against Negan hearing Negan’s faint moans that were silenced by Negan pulling a pillow in closer to him to avoid making so much noise considering the situation. Joel let out a nervous breath when he bit at Negan’s shoulder feeling his abdomen tightening up with every forward thrust he made, “I’m not going to last very long…”

“That’s okay,” Negan’s hand covered Joel’s that was braced beside his and his winces followed with every smack Joel’s flesh made up against his bottom.

“I didn’t make you come,” Joel seemed worried when Negan’s fingers hooked with his and Negan moaned out with the strength of Joel’s thrusts getting harder. Every muscle in Joel’s body tensed up, his lips parting when he looked between them to watch the plunges his cock made inside of Negan. “Fuck…”

Biting into his bottom lip, Joel pulled his hips back and pumped his hand over his own length watching his release spill out over Negan’s small bottom. Holding back the sounds that he wanted to make, Joel collapsed beside Negan after he finished his orgasm, his chest rising and falling repeatedly while he tried to gain his breath. Negan pushed up on his elbows and looked over Joel with a smirk and Joel swallowed down hard.

Turning onto his stomach, Joel nodded his head back seeing Negan lick his lips and his thick eyebrows bounced up, “Go ahead.”

“What?” Negan tipped his head to the side and Joel slid the bottle of lube toward Negan making him smile.

“You didn’t come yet. So, it’s your turn,” Joel explained watching Negan think it over before getting up on his knees, his hard cock bouncing with his movements making Joel swallow down hard at the sight of it aching. Joel let out a tense breath when he felt Negan rolling him over onto his back making Joel huff out. Negan grabbed the material of Joel’s pants that was hanging at his knees and tugged it down before tossing them aside. Kicking out of his own pants, Negan took his time to carefully crawl in over Joel making Joel’s big brown eyes stare up at him. “You want to do it like this?”

“I like things to be a little more personal,” Negan explained, his hazel eyes gazing over Joel who seemed incredibly nervous when Negan reached for the lube to unhurriedly caress the slick fluid over his cock before moving forward to pull Joel’s legs up and over his thighs to get him comfortable. “You sure about this? I’m okay with you jerking me off.”

“It’s only fair,” Joel stammered, watching Negan’s movements when he grabbed the lube again. Negan caressed his left hand in over Joel’s hips and over his thigh when he circled the fingers of his right hand over Joel’s opening. It made Joel tense up and Negan shook his head, his dimples sinking in when he made a hushing sound.

“You have to relax. The key to this whole thing is relaxing,” Negan instructed Joel making him swallow down hard and nod. Negan leaned over Joel, his eyes locking with the smaller man when Negan’s lips hovered over Joel’s. “I promise you, I know what I’m doing…”

A gasp escaped Joel’s throat that was silenced by Negan’s kiss when Negan pressed a finger inside of Joel. Negan was slow, allowing Joel to get used to the sensation while they kissed. Inserting a second finger made Joel let out a tense sound, but Negan brushed his tongue in over Joel’s trying to keep him otherwise focused. A pleasantly surprised sound fell from Joel when he pulled his mouth from Negan’s to look down when Negan’s fingers brushed up against a certain spot inside of him that felt incredibly good. Joel clutched to Negan making Negan let out an amused sound while he worked his fingers inside of Joel.

“Do you want to stop?” Negan checked seeing the way that Joel shook his head before Negan pulled his fingers from Joel’s body. Adjusting their bodies, Negan settled himself between Joel’s thighs and reached between them to lead his erection to Joel’s tight opening. “Look at me.”

Joel’s fingers dug into Negan’s shoulders when Negan pushed forward, sinking a small amount inside of Joel. Lifting his head, Joel felt Negan urging him to rest his head back so he could stay comfortable. It made Joel’s eyes close tightly and he felt Negan’s kisses covering his jawline. As Negan thrust forward slowly, it made Negan let out a deep raspy moan while Joel let out a shuddering breath. Palming in over the side of Joel’s face, Negan made sure to keep Joel’s attention when he started to roll his hips against Joel making sure to take things slow so Joel could get used to him.

“You okay?” Negan double checked when Joel swallowed down, but quickly nodded to answer Negan. Negan braced his hands beside Joel, resting his forehead against Joel’s while he moved over Joel in a steady rhythm. It left Joel open to see the marks that he left over Negan’s face and it made him feel guilty.

“I’m sorry,” Joel apologized making Negan’s movements stop, his head tipping back to gaze over Joel. “I should have never done this to you.”

“I was too good looking anyways,” Negan joked making Joel immediately roll his eyes, but Negan braced his right hand on the bed, reaching for Joel’s right hand with his left to bring up to look over the bruised and cut knuckles. Caressing his thumb over Joel’s knuckles, Negan snickered and shook his head. “Making the competition ugly.”

“Okay, I’m not sorry anymore,” Joel growled making Negan snort before he lowered back down in over Joel again. Negan nuzzled his nose in against the side of Joel’s neck when he started thrusting again, this time with a sense of determination making Joel grasp tightly to him when he started hitting a spot inside of him. Between Negan stimulating his prostate and the rubbing up of Negan’s body against his cock, it had Joel completely solid again and grunting out beneath Negan. “Fuck…”

The sounds Joel made amused Negan knowing that he was doing something right with Joel shaking beneath him with their movements. Slurs were falling from Joel’s throat that were replaced by pants when Negan reached down with his right hand to curl his fingers around Joel’s erection to pump his hand over Joel’s manhood at the same pace that his hips were moving.

A hiss escaped Negan’s throat when Joel’s fingers dug deeper into his shoulders and his hips arched up toward Negan’s movements.

“Jesus,” Joel moaned out making Negan chuckle when he kissed down over Joel’s jawline. Dropping his head back, Joel tried to grasp onto something with the way that he was feeling. His whole body was on fire and the orgasm that Negan was working him up to felt unlike anything he had before.

“Shhh…” Negan hushed Joel, smacking his hips up harder against Joel feeling Joel tensing up beneath him. Silencing Joel with kisses, Negan quickened the pace of his hand as well feeling Joel’s hips buck up toward his grasp followed by ropes of cum shooting out from the tip of Joel’s cock. It covered Negan’s hand, wrist and Joel’s lower abdomen and Joel was biting down on his bottom lip so hard to stay quiet. “Good boy.”

After a few more final thrusts, Negan pulled himself from Joel and jerked himself off until his release joined Joel’s over Joel’s lower abdomen. Working his hand over his length until the very end, Negan kept his head resting at the side of Joel’s neck before he rolled off Joel and dropped down in bed beside Joel. They both laid silent at the center of the bed, their chests rising and falling in attempts to catch their breath.

Joel’s face was flushed over and his eyes were staring up at the ceiling seemingly lost in himself when Negan smirked, “First prostate orgasm?”

Simply nodding, Joel kept his eyes locked on the ceiling with the sensation of the room still feeling like it was spinning around them, “First prostate orgasm.”

An amused rumble of a laugh fell from Negan’s throat when he pat Joel on the chest and rolled onto his stomach to rest. Swallowing down, Joel felt his heart hammering inside of his chest while he stayed in Negan’s bed with him. God knows how long they laid there. It got to the point that Negan was sleeping, his arm stretched out across Joel’s body. Yet Joel just laid there, all of his thoughts accumulating with what he had just done.

Sliding out from underneath Negan’s arm, Joel heard Negan’s breathing change when Joel reached for his pants to start pulling them back on. Negan rolled over on the bed and stretched out his long body while Joel almost fell over getting his clothes back on, “You running away?”

“I reckon I can’t run away when you’re awake. So I’m just…leaving,” Joel rumbled, pulling the zipper up on his pants before buckling them together.

“So tell me, is this really something the two of you came up with or am I going to have Y/N coming here to murder me in the morning?” Negan joked making Joel let out a long huff before reaching for his boots. “That’s what I thought.”

“She’s not going to kill you. I think she’ll be quite happy with the rules I came up with,” Joel explained to Negan watching Negan lift up onto his elbows to stare out at Joel while he pulled his belt together. “I’m not lying. The three of us will be together. I promise this wasn’t some kind of revenge fuck.”

“I see,” Negan hummed, reaching up to brush back his messy hair when Joel searched the room for his t-shirt. “Joel?”

“Yeah?” Joel lifted his head after he grabbed the shirt from the ground.

“That was your first time having sex with a man, wasn’t it?” Negan lowered back onto the bed, his hazel eyes locked on Joel’s making Joel drop his arms at his sides almost in defeat.

“Yeah,” Joel responded seeing Negan nod his head before rolling onto his side toward Joel. “Was I that bad?”

“No, it was the prostate orgasm that gave it away,” Negan explained making Joel’s lips part before looking down toward the ground like he was embarrassed. “You’ve never had one of those before because you were blown away by it. I figured maybe you had some ass play in the past, but you never had an orgasm like that.”

“I haven’t,” Joel confessed hating that it was so obvious to Negan that he had never been with another man before. Moving over toward the bed, Joel took a seat on the edge of it and braced his hand over the bed. “I have always been curious. I didn’t know if I was…”

“Bisexual,” Negan confirmed making Joel nod. “Okay.”

“And Y/N isn’t wrong. You make people feel incredible. I didn’t know if it was the emotional level or if I actually wanted to do…this,” Joel continued noticing the way that Negan’s fingers slid in over his while he thought about what happened. “My last…Tess was into a lot of different things. We tried some stuff, but she was a woman and she didn’t know what she was doing like you did.”

“Well, obviously,” Negan’s arrogant smile made Joel grumble under his breath and Negan’s fingers hooked with Joel’s. “I promise I won’t tell anyone that I had to silence you with that orgasm. In fact, this never happened.”

“But I liked it,” Joel whispered, his eyebrows clenching almost angry with himself that he did like it as much as he did. “Next time, maybe you can teach me certain things so I can be better at being…well…”

“A top?” Negan responded making Joel nod and Negan couldn’t help feeling arrogant with the things that Joel was saying to him. “If everything is okay with you two and you really do want to have this poly relationship with the three of us, then I’m all in. I’ll help teach you whatever you want to know. Although, I don’t have high hopes that the three of us in a relationship is going to be the final outcome.”

“Why?” Joel breathed out making Negan slowly pull himself up into a seated position.

“Small towns. Judgmental people. You care too much about what other people think. Jealousy…” Negan listed off quite a few things making Joel grumble under his breath before shaking his head. “I’d love to be part of a relationship with the two of you because I care about the both of you greatly, but I have nothing to lose. All of you do. I have Morgan, but she wouldn’t care who I was in love with.”

“The people here think I’m crazy regardless,” Joel brushed off that idea and he cleared his throat. “Our sex life and relationship is no one else’s business. They can judge all they want.”

“We’ll see,” Negan’s eyes narrowed followed by Joel huffing out since Negan still didn’t believe him. “This was nice at least. I’m glad I could share it with you.”

“I promise you I’m not going to disappear. I have a lot of making up to do when it comes to Morgan,” Joel admitted feeling incredibly guilty after the last time that he saw Morgan so hurt and scared of him. “That’s if you allow me to be around Morgan again.”

With a nod, Negan dropped his head down and pressed a kiss over Joel’s bruised knuckles before giving him a wink, “You know you’re welcome in this family. Now go do whatever you have to. Someone beat the hell out of me this morning and sleep is going to help me heal.”

“Ha-ha, funny,” Joel rolled his eyes and stood up from the bed seeing that Negan was getting comfortable in the bed before him. “I’ll see you later.”

“Good night, Joel,” Negan grumbled, pulling his blankets in over his body making Joel huff when he put his t-shirt back on and then headed downstairs. Grabbing his plaid button-down shirt, Joel swiftly pulled that on as well before heading out. It had stopped raining outside, but it was still very wet from all the rain that had happened previously.

Getting home, Joel kicked his boots off at the door and headed into the living room. Seeing Y/N sleeping on the couch, Joel hooked his arms around her and heard her gasp when he pulled her up. Throwing her over his shoulder, Joel made sure he got a firm hold of her before he started carrying her up the stairs.

“Joel!” she hollered out his name while he headed for the bedroom. Kicking open the bedroom door, Joel threw her on top of the bed and heard her let out a loud grunt. Pulling herself up into a seated position she watched Joel go over to the bedroom door and shut it before turning to her again. “What the fuck Joel?”

“I can’t fall asleep without you. You’re sleeping in here,” Joel pointed out at the bed making her eyebrows furrow. “And we’re still together. I can hold off on the marrying you part until you’re more comfortable, but you’re still mine and there is no changing that.”

“It’s more complicated than that Joel,” she declared making Joel shake his head and brush his fingers through his messy hair. “We can’t just act like nothing happened.”

“We aren’t going to,” Joel rest his hands on his hips, his brown eyes very serious while she stared up at him with surprise. “You told me that the only reason that we couldn’t be together is because you slept with Negan. Well, now I’ve slept with Negan too. So neither one of us can be mad at each other for sleeping with Negan. We can’t hold it against the other and we’re going to go back to our relationship with a few changes.”

“What?” she laughed almost thinking it was a joke, but the way that Joel stared out at her made her swallow down hard. “Are you serious?”

“I’m very serious,” Joel replied with a long, shallow exhale thinking about what he had just done before coming home. “I had sex with Negan. So now I can’t be mad at you because I did the same thing. We can be together.”

“Joel,” Y/N slurred his name, an amused expression pressing in over her features. There was a sense of curiosity when he shifted on his feet before her. “You went and had sex with Negan so the two of us could be together?”

“That and because I wanted to have sex with Negan,” Joel answered her with a stern expression knowing that she had so many questions, but she was biting down on her bottom lip because she didn’t know whether to keep this serious or let her curiosities get the best of her. “This is where I set the rules. We have a relationship with Negan. I can sleep with him, you can sleep with him. He’s part of our relationship. Romantically, we can be involved with him, but only Negan. No one else. No jealousy. No anger. Those are the rules. It’s just the three of us.”

“That’s something that you want?” it took her a few minutes to gather herself before she finally spoke up again. Joel headed over to the bed and sat down on it, making sure to be facing her when he nodded his head. “I don’t want to agree to something that you don’t really want.”

“I’m the one that came up with the idea,” Joel informed her, his right eyebrow arching before he shrugged. “I think it’s the healthiest option for all three of us. It’s the only way to make things work.”

“And what about the rest of the town?” she pushed Joel, her jaw flexing knowing that Joel cared so much about what the people here thought. Joel threw his hands up in the air and she didn’t know how to respond. “Listen, I’m only asking because I know people are strange.”

“I don’t care what people think. I spent most of my life trying to please other people. It’s the end of the world as we know it anyways. What I do know is that I want you in my life. You and Ellie mean everything to me and I know I do feel something for Negan. Maybe it’s not as much as you feel for him or how I feel for you, but I love you,” Joel explained, his hand placing in over the center of his chest, his face twisting when he tried to come up with what he wanted to say. “I know you don’t believe it, but I do love you. I can’t picture a life without you. I don’t have the right words. I don’t say or do the right things and that’s where Negan comes in. He knows how to make you happy and smile. I know what I feel, I’m just shit at showing it. I just think the best option for the three of us is to involve Negan in our relationship. I think the three of us together will make all of us happier than just two of us being together. It will take some time to get used to things, but I think we’re capable.”

“Okay,” she breathed out, her hand reaching out to slide it in over Joel’s knee to give it a firm squeeze making him let out a shuddering breath. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever spoken all at once.”

“Oh, shut up,” Joel chuckled with a shake of his head knowing that she was giving him shit in order to make the situation less tense. “You’re not mad?”

“About what?” she pondered, sliding in closer to Joel on the bed when his hand covered hers.

“For sleeping with Negan. I know you love him…” Joel’s eyebrows arched up, his brown eyes searching hers for some kind of confirmation that everything would be okay between the two of them. “I didn’t sleep with him in order to hurt you. You just said that you couldn’t be with me because you had slept with him and I figured…”

“I get why you did it,” she admitted with a sigh, her fingers hooking tightly with Joel’s while he stared out at her. “I’m not mad at you. That’s actually…one way to show someone you care about them.”

Joel felt his heart rate quicken when she dropped back on the bed and he heard her laughing. He looked back at her over his shoulder and he could see that she was covering her eyes while she laid at the center of the bed, “That is laughing, right? You’re not crying?”

“I’m not crying. I just can’t believe I told you that’s the reason we couldn’t be together, so you made sure that we were even so that way you couldn’t be mad at me,” she shook her head and dropped her hands at her sides. Joel carefully laid down in beside her and she felt his hand hooking with hers. “I’m sorry Joel. You shouldn’t have felt pressured to do something like that in order to make me feel better about things. I should have never slept with Negan in the first place.”

“It would have happened no matter what,” Joel declared with a sigh looking up at the ceiling with her while they laid together holding hands. “I don’t blame you for wanting to be near him. He makes you feel good when no one else can. And he does love you. A lot. He told me so. If I was a good person, I would have let you be with him, but I can’t do that.”

“Joel,” she turned her head to look at him seeing the way that he stared up at the ceiling. “You know I love you too. Right?”

“Of course I do,” Joel reached for her hand and pulled it up to place a kiss over the back of it before he turned on his side to face her. “I hope some day I can prove to you that I feel that way about you too. I’m sorry I have made you feel otherwise.”

“Are you really sure that you are okay with this?” she confirmed with Joel hearing him sigh loudly and shrug his shoulders before nodding. “That wasn’t convincing.”

“I’m sure, it’s just…” Joel swallowed down hard, his eyes avoiding hers when he thought about what he had done with Negan tonight. “I’m not going to be less appealing to you now that I’ve slept with another man, am I?”

“God no, if anything maybe it’s a bit…sexier,” she teased him leaning forward to nuzzle her nose in against Joel’s feeling the warmth of his breath over her face. “I didn’t realize you were bisexual. I mean, the way you were comfortable with Negan touching you like he was, I always wondered, but…”

“Negan is the first guy I’ve slept with,” Joel confessed to her, his lips parting when his dark eyes lifted to hers making her eyes get wide. “Tess did some things with me when we were together because I was always interested in certain things and she was into some naughty shit, but Negan was my first.”

“You lost your virginity?” she joked hearing Joel grumble under his breath and roll his eyes. “Better now than never, right? Did you at least like it?”

“Did you like sex with Negan?” Joel questioned back making her cheeks flush over and he nodded his head. “See, this is where we have to be honest with one another because we can’t worry about hurting the other. We’re nervous to say things, but if we are going to have a relationship with Negan the both of us have to be honest about Negan.”

“I asked you first,” she pointed out making Joel roll his eyes and lay on his back again. “Which one of you was the bottom?”

“Both,” Joel was honest making her let out a surprised breath and he grumbled to himself. “It was…good.”

“I’m going to need more details than just both and it was good,” she nudged Joel with her arm making him scoff out loud. “I’m going to need a start to finish here. You know, for…science.”

“I’m not going to give you the material for you to masturbate to tonight,” Joel gave her some attitude, changing his tone of voice making her laugh out loud at his response. “You’re a little too eager to know who did what?”

“I am, you’re not wrong,” she pushed, crawling in closer to Joel so she could rest her head against his shoulder. “I think Negan knows what he is doing.”

“Mhmm…” Joel didn’t know what he was comfortable with saying since this whole thing was very new for him. “Well if being a teacher, librarian or cook doesn’t work for him he can always go into hooking. I’m sure the people would really enjoy the things he’s capable of.”

“God,” Y/N burst out in laughter making Joel laugh as well. Even though this was a weird situation, it felt nice to be able to laugh together like this. These kind of moments weren’t normal for the two of them and she enjoyed hearing him laugh. “I feel like he would appreciate hearing that, but something tells me that Maria and Tommy wouldn’t like him doing that. It would corrupt their perfect little town.”

“You don’t think the three of us being together is going to corrupt their town?” Joel snorted, liking that she felt comfortable enough to be able to cuddle with him on the bed now that things seemed to be more relaxed between the two of them.

“Touché,” she sighed loudly, hooking her arm around his so they could lay together and Joel was silent for a little while.  

“I think I need to shower,” Joel announced lifting his head up to look over his body knowing that after everything he probably needed to get clean. “I feel like laying in bed with you after being with him just feels, dirty.”

“Well, you are dirty,” she teased him, patting him on the chest when she lifted her eyes to stare up at him. Reaching out, Y/N stroked her hand in over the side of Joel’s face and traced her fingers over the facial hair covering his jawline. “I love you, I hope you know that.”

Meeting her in a long, drawn-out kiss Joel hoped that this would help fix things for the two of them. More than anything he just knew that he wasn’t ready to let Y/N go and this was the best thing he could come up with for all of them. It was just making it work that was going to be the hard part.

Tags: @jennydehavilland @de-gabyconamor @ibelongtonegan @smallsadjellyfish @labyrinthofheartagrams  @msjamesmarch @thebeautysurrounds @hotfornegan @redmercysugar @caprithebunny @tuttifuckinfruitty @emoryhemsworth @a-girl-interupted @akumune @stoneyggirl2 @xsarcasticwriterx  @insertneganhere @haleygreen23 @xhannahbananax03 @sanctuaryforthelost​ @burningredaffair @killaweiser @dead-of-niight  @ayumi-wolf​ @hollyismentallyillhelp​ @chloepricerk800  @wonwoosthetic​ @misskittydenoire​ @casangel1986​ @pedritosdarling​

[joels6string]

More Than My Father's Son

Joel Miller x f!OC

Chapter 12 - My Brother Joel

Summary: Tommy and Joel head on the road for a doomed mission to find you in the Utah wilderness, dead, alive, or infected.

Rating: E

Word Count: 3.6k

Content: NSFW, high levels of violence normal to the TLOU world, angst, fluff, miscommunication trope (it’s Joel Miller…), slow burn, Joel’s traumatic childhood, getting together, smut, canon divergence after SLC, fix it fic

“Maybe you should have told her! Maybe if you didn’t fuckin’ lie to her she never woulda left! You ever imagine that, Joel? What your life could be like if you were honest for once? You’d be wakin’ up to her in your damn bed instead of being out here in mourning!”

Chapter 11 || Series Masterlist

My brother is many things. 

He’s played as many roles as there is, taking each one onto a pair of shoulders that should have buckled from the pressure years ago. I’ve seen him through the hardest days of his life. The high school graduation pop couldn’t be bothered to attend. The day he found out he was gonna be a daddy before he could legally drink a beer. He called me when Rebecca left him with nothing but a note, Sarah still tucked up in a crib alone in that shit-hole apartment he scrounged over three jobs to keep. He was crying that day, not for the loss of the woman he’d made his wife outta nothing but obligation,  but for the little blonde-haired girl nestled fast asleep against his chest. See, he didn’t think he could raise her. Said he wasn’t fit for it. But I knew better. He raised me, and I think I turned out all right. 

And raise her he did. That girl lived the best life he could give her, he didn’t care what it cost. He built a business, bought a house, nurtured a daughter that he swore could save the world one day, and I bet she would have. He never complained. Sure, about not having money sometimes, or losing jobs to the bigger guys, but he never wanted anything different, he didn’t wish for something else. 

When Sarah died, so did he. Who could blame him? I carried the guilt of leaving him in Boston from the moment I stepped outta that apartment. I just couldn’t watch him waste away. It was selfish, I know that. But seeing my brother–my goddamn hero–turn into everything he stood against wasn’t something I could do. I tried to pull him back, but the man’s more stubborn than a mule. So I just prayed he’d find his way back, not for me, but for himself. For Sarah. For the man I always knew he was and the one he deserved to be.

Then he shows up some decade and a half later, gray hair, wrinkles around his eyes, scarred like you wouldn’t believe. And damn if he didn’t feel like he’d taken some of himself back. He had Ellie, who I owe my life for what she did for him. I don’t think she knows the extent of that gratitude and I don’t plan to tell her, she don’t need that burden. He loves that girl like his own and so do I. That’s all that matters.

But then there’s her. Millie. All fire and sheer will, if she wasn’t on our side I’d be terrified of her. And god damn does he love that woman. He thinks I can’t tell, but I’ve been watching him practically my whole life, hell, tryin’ to be him, I know. Joel’s a man that would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, but he aint’ one to share what goes on his head. That’s for him to deal with and no one else. He’s a locked box, walled up behind heavily guarded gates, always has been, but with her? It’s all right there on his sleeve for the world to see. Something tells me she knows more about him than most, and I don’t think he needed to speak a damn word for her to figure it out neither.

I don’t know what happened that night of the storm. At this point, I don’t know if I ever will. But something changed. 

I knew about Millie, what happened to her. Maria and I...we’d made the call to keep it from him as long as we could. He’d have run off, never to be seen again, I ain’t stupid. I didn’t know what to do. How do you tell someone who's been through hell enough times it shoulda killed him that his one good thing was gone? I couldn’t do it. Not after I’d seen him for the first time in over 20 years. He was smiling again. Strumming on a guitar. Writing songs. Hell, I had him sketching blueprints; he was Joel again. Maybe it was selfish. I wanted to prolong it, keep him around for as long as I could before the inevitable. 

And here we are. At the inevitable.

I might as well be riding through these trails alone. He’s silent, it’s like a god damn funeral march. But in reality I guess it is. I’ve contemplated turnin’ around, forcing him back to the life he’s gonna have to face living here eventually. But I can’t. See, the thing is that through all he’s lost, he’s never once gotten the chance to mourn. There was always something else. I think maybe he needs these quiet weeks on the road, and I’ll keep him alive while he’s out here, going through whatever it is he needs to go through. 

There’s no way we find her. It’s too much land, too many possibilities, it’s been too long; seven weeks by the time we get to the last place she was seen. For her sake I hope it was quick, and for his I hope it ain’t like Eugene said. If he’s gotta put a bullet in her head, even like that, I don’t see a path back. 

We’ve come across a few straggler infected, and his face breaks my heart every time. The fear he’ll see her snarling and deformed, I can’t take it anymore. The way his eyes beg for recognition to end the ache in his chest and for the chance to keep hope alive all the same. 

The way he kills them is damn near barbaric. Every swing of that blade an attempt to collect the debt he feels he’s owed. He’s still swinging long after they’re dead and gone, thankfully he’s smart enough to not waste our ammo. I pray we don’t come across any hunters on this trip. The runners I can watch be torn to shreds, I ain’t so sure I can watch him do that to a man again. I’ve had more than my share of that.

Everyday he’s closer to the god damn edge and I’m just waiting for him to fall. It’s bound to happen. Every night he sits by the fire sharpening that damn machete, sometimes gone dull from whatever poor unfortunate soul we encountered, other times he takes it out on a tree, an old rundown house, whatever he can find. I let him have at it, keeping an eye that the desperate crying he does when he thinks he’s alone doesn’t attract anyone or anything. It did once, shot it right between the eyes. I was proud of that one. 

We’re set to reach the last place she was seen today, I’m mentally gearing up. Reckon it won’t be pretty. I don’t know where it goes from there. I don’t know if I want to either. 

********

“I’m goin’ to look around,” Joel announced before his boots even hit the cement of the old garage, the first words he’d spoken since a grunt of acknowledgement that morning.

“Joel,” Tommy called quickly, “I should come with you.”

“Stay with the horses.”

“Joel!”

But he was already gone. It was a calm, February night, the sky clear as the setting sun cast a hazy, gray light over the untouched snow. Untouched. Not a print in sight, not even a damn rabbit. He should have checked the houses, but something had told him it was useless. You weren’t here. You hadn’t been here in months. Months. The time that had lapsed between you vanishing without a trace and his arrival made him sick to his stomach. He should have been here. He should have stopped you from leaving. He should have fought. 

The sound of the rushing river marked the spot where your tracks had stopped. This was the last place you were known to have been. It felt like a fucking burial site. He couldn’t do anything in the dark, so he stood and watched the water run by, the force of it surprising for its lack of depth. Jagged rocks jut out of the white capping current, the barren skeletons of the trees reaching up to the heavens he could no longer believe in. 

As the sound lulled him into whatever semblance of tranquility he could find, he wondered how you made it across. It was too wide to jump and too fast to bridge with something as simple as a log, but the rocks could provide a path if traveled carefully. But you were sick. Coughing, a fever seizing up your already ice-cold body, you wouldn’t have the dexterity…

He took off in a sprint back to the house, slamming open the front door hard enough it had Tommy reaching for his gun from where he sat on the floor. 

“Jesus Christ. Joel!” Tommy scolded, throwing the shotgun back down with a heavy thud, “I coulda shot you.”

“Down the river,” Joel panted, lungs and throat burning, “Tracks stopped at the bank. It’s too fast. Down the river…”

With numb fingers, Tommy pulled out the map, tracing north until the river opened to a lake. It was miles away, but not more than a day's travel. 

“Tell me what you wanna do,” Tommy offered, “Straight shot to where it dumps off?”

“Yeah…” Joel muttered, his mind racing against the light of optimism threatening to banish the darkness of reality. 

“Alright then, first light. Sit and eat.”

It would be a miracle if you survived that trip, but it wasn’t impossible. He’d done it, sort of, and that was the catch. He’d had Henry to pull him out, you were alone. But maybe you’d maneuvered well enough to avoid crashing into a rock head first. Or maybe this was all just fucking delusion.

There was no chance of sleep, he just paced, muttering incoherently under his breath about the chance this worked. It was low, and he hated how hard it was to convince himself of that. Back in Jackson as he and Tommy had readied to leave, he saddled up your horse. At the time he’d said in case they found you, you’d be thrilled, you loved that damn animal. But in reality it was just one of the few pieces of you he had left. Bill would be his from now on, maybe he’d even try and replicate those ridiculous biscuits you insisted on making for him. 

“You sleep at all?” Tommy asked, still groggy as he lifted himself onto his elbows with a groan.

“A bit,” Joel lied, the barrel of his shotgun shining after two hours of polishing. 

“When’d you become so shit at lyin’?”

Probably when he lost it all because of it. 

“Let’s go,” Joel snapped, leaping to his feet and grabbing his pack already ready by the door, “Eat on the way.”

Hours turned into days, and on day three of ice cold conditions, searching through trees and caves, and too many close calls with frostbite, Tommy stepped in. An arm across Joel’s chest kept him upright as Tommy pinned him against an oak, his head shaking in denial and defiance as he deflected the reality staring him in the face. You were gone. There was no finding you, there was no closure, no last chance to count the freckles on your face or memorize the warm shade of your hair. There was nothing. Just snow and haunting silence beneath his brother’s sympathetic gaze.

“I know you loved her,” Tommy finally found the opening to say it, “And maybe if you admitted that it would help you…move on.”

“Move on!?” Joel roared, finding the strength to shove his brother off of him, “Move on from what? What the hell do I have to move on from? Huh? I got nothin’! Cause you sent her away!”

“I ain’t doin’ this again…”

“You let your wife send her away–”

“Maybe you should have told her! Maybe if you didn’t fuckin’ lie to her she never woulda left! You ever imagine that, Joel? What your life could be like if you were honest for once? You’d be wakin’ up to her in your damn bed instead of being out here in mourning!”

The snow softened Tommy’s landing as Joel’s shoulder slammed into his stomach and sent him flying to the ground, a lucky knee to Joel’s stomach giving Tommy enough time to scramble back and right himself with enough distance to avoid another attack. 

“You think about Ellie waitin’ for you to come home,” Tommy cautioned, “Before you do something stupid. You got amends to make with her before this happens all over again.”

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth.” This was not the time for principled speeches.

“Have you learned nothin’?!”

“I said shut your god damn mouth, boy!”

“Go take a walk! You need one. Then we’re fuckin’ leaving, and goin’ home.”

Once he was out of Tommy’s line of sight, he collapsed. The sun was going down, the distorted orb reflecting on the surface like flames, no doubt Tommy would be bringing them back to that house tonight for rest indoors before the long journey home. Maybe the ghost of you walked inbetween the walls, or were you out wandering this barren wasteland always trying to find your way home. He’d done this. The knowledge of that fact had been there all along, but it had taken Tommy screaming it at him for it to batter against the forefront of his mind. He did this. If he hadn’t lied to you it was unlikely you’d have volunteered. After you’d confronted him he should have fought, he should have been slamming his fist against your door begging for you to forgive him, unleashing every single one of his ugly truths when you let him inside to beg for one last chance. But he hadn’t. And now you were gone.

“Hey there, stranger,” a strange voice greeted that had the hair prickling on the back of Joel’s neck, “Haven’t seen you around here before.”

Joel remained silent, wracking his brain for a way to pull the revolver from the waist of jeans without being seen.

“What brings you out this way?” the voice continued, it was too friendly, too decent…

“Sightseein’,” Joel finally lied, keeping his eyes straight forward.

“Don’t see many people doing that these days.”

He didn’t need to see it to know it was there, the rifle pointed right at the back of his head. This wasn’t a bad view if were the last thing he would see. 

“Why don’t you just get on with it?” Joel finally asked, resigning to his fate with almost a sense of relief.

“Hey!” Tommy was yelling, Joel could see him sprinting over, shotgun raised. It was like he didn’t know that thing was shit at a distance and his brain would be sprayed across the snow faster than Tommy could load another set of shells, “Put the fuckin’ gun down!”

“You boys from Texas?” the stranger asked, Joel sighing in frustration at the game this man was playing, remaining silent as he gnashed his teeth together.

“Way back when,” Tommy answered, earning a stony look from his brother. He never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

“So, which one of you is Joel?”

“Who the hell are you?”

Ice ran through Joel’s veins at the sound of his name. He wasn’t unaware of where he was; at the present he was closer to Salt Lake City than home, a city that had his stomach churning. For as many as he’d slaughtered, he knew some got away with full knowledge of who he was and what he’d smuggled out of that hospital. One wrong move and Ellie’s location was no longer safe, one slip of the tongue, one wrong look.

He’d destroyed the Fireflies, singlehandedly. There were a few small factions scattered about, but their cause was all but destroyed thanks to him. Without a cure on the horizon, they had nothing left to hope for, nothing to work towards. They could join the rest of what was left of society, hopeless and dejected. 

“You let my brother go,” Joel finally bargained, “And I’ll go with you.”

“Joel what the hell is goin’ on?” Tommy was panicking now, “You ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

“Let him go.”

Now he was turning, finding a man in his 70s holding the rifle he’d already known was there. Suddenly this became less urgent, he could see the man’s hands trembling and a flicker of fear in his eye. At least Joel’s reputation was still intact. With one quick lunge he could have him round the knees, the rifle loosening enough from those gnarled fingers that Joel could add it to his own arsenal. 

“I don’t want any trouble,” the man finally surrendered, “Just heard a lot about you.”

“From?” Joel growled, uncaring now of what might happen as he snuck his hand to the small of his back, finding the trusty weapon its usual spot.

“People passing through. I wasn’t expecting you, but my wife has a way of knowing things. She thought you’d turn up. And here you are.”

Tommy and Joel shared a look, had this man encountered Eugene and Paulie at some point? It was far off their course, there was no way they’d stumbled into him. There was something else he knew, something that had Joel’s heart thudding in his chest.

“Why don’t you come back with me, get a hot meal and good night’s sleep,” the man offered, “We don’t have much in the way of beds, but it’s warm and you look like you haven’t felt a fire in days.”

“You got a name?” Joel inquired, still wary, but the sirens in his head had stopped blaring.

“Oh. Where are my manners? Corbin. Nice to meet you Joel and…” he dragged out, looking over at Tommy.

“Tommy,” the younger Miller introduced, holding his hand out first for a shake, a silent promise that all that was said was true, both men nodding at the implications as they gripped the other.

It was a short ride, about an hour, back to Corbin’s, the property evident from a distance as the smoke from the chimney plumed up into the dusk sky. Joel’s despair had returned, the knowledge that in the morning he and Tommy would be on their way back to Wyoming alone and without closure. Where did he go from here? 

“Joel,” Tommy sounded from beside him, “I didn’t mean what I said. This ain’t your fault. None of it. I shoulda fought harder–”

“It is my fault.” Saying it hurt. Saying it opened up the mouth of the beast waiting to swallow him. 

“It’s just up ahead,” Corbin interrupted, the small farmhouse coming into view, heavily fenced and secure.

“Quite the place you got here,” Joel admired, a fond smile settling on his face as he recalled a man with similar barriers, and for a second he wondered just how old Bill was doing. It had crossed his mind to head back out East and get him, bring him to the safe haven of Jackson, but something told him Bill liked the fight and would prefer to go down swinging anyway.

“Horses can go in the barn,” their host instructed as he hopped down to open the gate, “I’m sure some dinner is already going.”

“Appreciate it.”

The house was warm, a fire roaring in the hearth as the three men stepped inside, Corbin calling for his wife, Lee, who rounded into the room in an apron. It felt almost dystopian. 

“Oh!” She exclaimed, the sitcom feel of this moment had Joel’s eyebrows furrowing, “More stragglers, Cor?”

“Yeah,” Corbin replied, smiling, “We got Tommy, and that one there, is Joel.”

“Oh… Joel.”

“Mhmm.”

“Why do you all act like you know me?” Joel snapped, now it was grating, now he was panicking, this felt off. He knew what kind of people lurked about, cannibals and religious zealots, he cursed himself for leaving his weapons with the horse. 

“Easy now,” Tommy warned, ticking his head down for Joel to see that Tommy hadn’t been as foolish as he had, his pistol still tucked into the holster at his hip, “Ma’am, it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for…your hospitality.”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re here,” Lee replied, “I’ll go throw a little bit more into the stew. Take a seat.”

Neither man obliged, even as Corbin rounded the old blue couch and collapsed. The house was like a relic of the 80s, gaudy florals in bold colors, angels and religious statues on the shelves surrounded by bibles and books. Even an old box TV still sat in the corner despite the lack of electricity. As Joel looked around, he saw the a medical degree hanging in a frame, Corbin’s, and family photos of who he assumed were their two hosts and their children. He hated how much of it reminded him of the house he and Tommy had grown up in, even down to the wood paneling on the walls. 

Muffled talking could be heard in the kitchen, a door to what must have been a basement slamming shut. A third? Now Joel wanted that gun, it was just out of reach but Corbin was already half asleep on the couch. The footsteps grew closer, he could see the shadow against the floor approaching, his senses blaring as he took a small step in front of Tommy, his arm lifting slightly to shield him from whoever it was about to make face.

“Corbin, did you–” 

“Well I’ll be damned,” Tommy whispered under his breath as the unidentified person rounded into the room.

“Joel?” 

Chapter 13 (There's a tag list now if you prefer that!)

Art as always by @natendo-art 😭🩵

[meatriarch]

there was no clear way for her to know just how long she had been down in this hell. her cell, for the time she had been locked away, before she had managed to wriggle free after the lithe, giddy one of this fucking family had last seen her, messed up the restraints. gave her leeway to slip out of them, escape from the four walls she'd grown accustomed to all that time — knew every little knick in hardwood walls, knew which spots in the ceilings were culprit to the maddening drip - drop of some sort of piping above-head.

knew, too, how many steps it took, roughly, each one of that fucking family when they'd crack that metal basement door open, and take the walk down the steps, through tunnels, and to her cell door.

learned, as well, which set of footfalls belonged to who.

the man with the mask covering his face . . . heavy, clumsy, almost. she only saw him a time or two. he stayed away from her. seemed scared, somehow. wild to her, being the one that had been locked up. the sing - songing woman, whose bare feet made very strange sound against the floorboards, against the dirt. even when she was silent as she did so. liked to test some new sort of concoction on her, at times — that powder shit of hers. she'd feel ill and dizzied and lightheaded for days. sometimes accompanied by the older woman — one who walked with devils — and whatever was in that powder made by the singing blonde seemed to only worsen when the older woman was near.

the things she'd seen . . . there was something seriously wrong with her—

the old man didn't do much but complain, sometimes whacked across the back of head by him, voiced very much how he wanted her dead and gone already — but that damn boy wanted to keep her alive, a little longer. too much fun to let her go to waste.

it was the heavy groan of boot on hardwood, crunch of dirt underfoot, that terrified her into paralysis. the little pop! of belt-sheath unclasping as they grew nearer to her cell door — until what little light she'd get flooding through small barred window in the door was eclipsed by head and shoulders . . .

terrified her most — johnny. knew his footfalls far too well. hyper-aware, now — and does pathetic, meek, scared little creature want to find the nearest little burrow and crawl inside and hide as the mans' cackling laughter echoes throughout the basement tunnels.

wide-eyed, panicked stricken to her core, every fiber of her screams to run! hide!

sounds of scuffle accompany the laughter, the taunts.

RUN! HIDE!

wounded, fearful, little prey animal listens to instinct, finds herself nearest table to crawl herself under, among the rotting gore left strewn over tabletop, dangling off edges. cares not when some indiscernible string of innards brush against sides of face, across tops of shoulders and arm, drags along her hair as she scrambles beneath shelter, burrows herself as deep as she can go — cornered, hidden, in the dark.

vision blurred as she stares out, unblinking, into the stretch of room laid out in front of her. eyes flicker, from way in the back, eclipsed in darkness, as she watches struggle ongoing by two shadows. one she cannot place a face or name to — the other, had grown to know too well . . . and the sight of johnny only pushed her further into herself. streamlined tears to fall from blurred vision.

a voice shouts out from across the room, and one shadow moves away, runs further into the tunnels, johnnys' laughter following close behind — the voice familiar, rougher, harsher, than she remembers it. but, surely, maria is hallucinating.

leland couldn't be down here—

she remembers seeing them all, time to time. especially when the older woman was nearby. sights, mirages, she wished she could unsee . . . of them in no better shape than she was, sometimes. and others, their faces pristine, their bodies no more different than the gore piles above her head.

no. it couldn't be leland. he was back home, back in austin. everyone was. they were safe, and warm in their beds—

the rooms gone quiet, lost in shellshocked - thought, when maria's eyes glide to a gap in the wall as the sound of shifting, scuffling feet, fill the silence otherwise. and maria freezes, initially, all over again — its the giddy one again, or, its the blonde — oh. buzzing, rising panicked thoughts die down into nothing, nothing but the buzz of radio static, as neither of those two are who slips through the gap in the wall—

stark green eyes zip all over the room, carefully looking at all possible corners, every doorway, the windows along the stretch of wall, the doorway leading back into tunnels, where johnny stalked off into the shadows to. the eyes. the hair. messied wildfire sprayed all over, partly in face, draped down across shoulders. maria's eyes stayed glued to her, wide, shocked, confused, as she followed her movements, carefully treading herself up steps to the large sliding door, that let up to that red wall of taxidermy. led up into the belly of the home above ground.

watched, as she did another look-around, listening carefully, intensely, before digging into pockets, start working on the door lock.

silently does prey animal crawl herself out from her burrow. afraid to make a peep. afraid her eyes are deceiving her, all over again. that its a trick on her already fracturing mind, from being down here for . . . for however long its been. gets herself to her feet, body trembling, aching, from how much she's overworked it — running, hiding, staying the fuck away from those people, from others they drag down here.

steps, one foot after the next. closer, closer, to bottom of steps. stare unblinking. stare unwavering. staring at red hair in the dark. at freckles and blood droplets dotting and trailing down from head wound. different, she realizes, to how she's seen her, in those visions, in those lies conjured up by the older woman. eyes drop to her hands, trembling despite her focus on getting that door unlocked. doesn't notice her, she thinks, creeping up in peripheral.

or, maybe, she truly was just a spectre — another trick of the eyes, a haunting of her mind.

the redheads' name comes out rough from maria's mouth. quiet. hoarse. sandpaper grit along sides of throat. and does her voice startle her completely, dropping the tools in hand, jolting and whipping head in her direction. face sheet-white, eyes so widened the whites bleed into her skin. her name escapes maria once again, staring up at her, blankly, from the bottom of the steps. " connie— . . ? is it, it's really you—? "

time seemed to have died then and there. the two of them staring at one another. both like they're staring at a ghost. i suppose, thought crosses mind, that's a little bit true—

its time that her own name reaches her ears. spoken into the air slow, cautious, disbelief. oh, maria thinks silently, connie's voice sounds . . . normal. not distorted, not layered by what seemed like voices speaking along with her — disembodied and echoing from all around her, when she'd encounter the illusions of her friends, ana, her mama, her papa, the older woman would make her endure, make her see, make her hear and feel—

but no. the voice wasn't the same. felt . . . clearer, in spite of the trembling in it. in spite of the horror, the shock.

maria watches her as, cautiously, connie started to close gap between them, descending the steps one by one. hesitant. scared. maria couldn't blame her. here they both were, ghosts of themselves manifesting to one another in the middle of this hell they've been subjected to. only, the connie before her wasn't real. connie would never be so stupid, unlike her, to get herself wrapped up in such a mess like this.

she was smart, and careful, and hardly easy at all to get her to trust. she wasn't me. not stupid like me, getting myself into a mess like this. connie wouldn't be caught dead in this place, by these people. maria was certain of that. she's back in austin, nose in one of her textbooks, or off along some stretch of road, stopped at a stall of fresh fruits — probably picking up a few oranges. maybe some strawberries.

maria's eyes fall between them both, as connies' hand raises into that remaining space.

what i wouldn't give to see an orange slice between her fingers. holding it out to me, without a word, without a glance in her direction. just her simple, silent, i peeled it. i love you. so take it—

cold fingertips meet marias cheek, and connie's eyes widen further, in realization at the touch, hand jolts from her. face contorting, brows pushing together, a shuddering in her beginning.

it can't be connie, maria thinks to herself, staring back at her in dazed confusion, connie never cries—

her name once again falls out from her friends' mouth — this time, accompanied by sobs, by heaves, as connie throws herself at her, arms clasping fully around her, stuns maria entirely. at the weight of her crashing against her, at the tightness of her hold around her. her sobs beside her ear. the warmth of her. the cold of her—

can just make out, between the uncontrollable sobbing in her ear, " i never thought i'd see you again! "

oh—

this really was her.

the dirt and iron and earthy scents on her didn't fully mask hint of berry lingering on connie's skin. maria stared at the side of her head, at wildfire so close to skin it could have burned her down to bone had long strands been truly licks of flames against her. it was her. it is her. then, that means the shadow leading johnny further into the tunnels must have been leland—

wait, then, that means they came looking for her—

fire blurred itself into a watercolor of red as marias' eyes welled up. as her arms finally brought themselves around connie, too, drawing her, somehow, even closer to herself than she already was. breath shaking trembling as much as she, now, was as much a crumbing mess as connies' sobbing made her.

fracture along dam walls separated, chipped away as realization settles deeper and deeper into her head. crackling along tall, wide walls until pressure from other end was too much, too strong to remain held back — and like connie, maria erupted into sobs too, clinging to her, like a lifeline, like the last stable thing she could grasp onto.

she hadn't a clue what she was even saying, between heaved sobs, into connies' hair. i missed yous. apologies. whatever it was, it was echoed by connies' voice, her own sobs,

they really came looking for her—

@fcused : “ i never thought i’d see you again. ”

[tgft212]

What Was I Made For

Natasha and Maria watch the Barbie movie together, and they feel it. This is my attempt to comfort myself, given it's 16th October.. Miss them both.

It was a movie, a stupid movie. Or at least that’s what Natasha tried to tell herself. 

Her and Maria looked foreward to watching it together, after missing it in the cinema because of missions and family time with the Bartons. 

She had no idea movies held so much power. The ones she knew by heart still, old Disney movies the Red Room used to get them to have a perfect pronunciation, to remember, to practice. 

The evening started like any of their dates in the appartement. Take out food, making fun of each other. Maria questioned her baking skills (they were excellent, thank you very much), and Natasha made fun of her cooking (not that she could cook to save her life). 

They ate dinner in relative silence, comfortable on the couch in slacks after so much work and missions and saving asses and trying not to strangle Stark, and whoever from Coulson’s team, who kept insisting on making their life even more difficult every damn second. 

They joke, falling into the comfortable atmosphere of their place, their safe place. They throw whipped cream after one another, laughing so hard their stomachs hurt. Because there they can. There they are Nat and Ria and nothing can change that, their sanctuary. 

Maria got too much in her hair, after she wahes it she comes out holding scissors and a machine with clippers.

“Wanna cut my hair?” She’s not joking. These days the hair reaches her mid back and Maria is sick of it. It’s hard to manage, not to mention the sensory hell it turned out to be. 

Nat jumps up, already dragging a chair to the bathroom, sitting Maria down with a towel on her shoulders before the former commander really knows what’s happening. 

“What do you want?” She's eyeing Maria’s hair, playing with the length and her brain is visibly working hard over time. 

“Not a buzzcut, something with shape that will not require me styling it every damn second.” Natasha smiles wickedly and suggests for Maria to turn around, away from the mirror. 

“Do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

And so Natasha begins. She chops off bigger chunks in the beginning, leaving the hair shoulder length before she continues. One last questioning look to Maria, one last nod before her complete cofus is on her girlfriend’s hair. She sections, cuts, shaves, sections again, cuts a little of the ends to add texture. Maria enjoys every second. 

In the end the top is left longer, her left side shaved and hair on the right side gains length from back to front. Hairstyle that can be completely left alone, but can also be tied into a bun or ponytail. 

Maria loves it, she beams at Natasha, who’s smirking and cleaning off any leftover hair. 

In the end it takes them two hours from dinner before they sit down for the movie. 

Barbie. 

In the beginning they are sitting side by side, holding hands under the soft purple blanket Clint gave them last year. Nat’s head resting on Maria’s shoulder and Maria’s head resting on Nat’s. 

They of course heard about the reactions. They never anticipated what the movie made them feel. 

They never anticipated that a movie about a Barbie doll would have them tense after fifteen minutes, that they would clench to each other by one hour mark. That where presumably a lot of poeple cried, the two of them were so stiff that any one of their muscles could break any second. They got so scared for Barbie, their hands shook violently, having been kept stable by each other.

They never anticipated the speech, THE speech. When Gloria says ‘It’s literally impossible to be a woman’ they are both shaking with unshed tears. The battle of Kens leaves Natasha terrified and Maria feeling emotions she thought she buried so long ago.

During all that turmoil all they have is each other, the movie makes them feel so much, too much. It wouldn’t have had the effect a year ago, when they were both doing a lot of heavy lifting for each other, to open up, to not push the other away. 

Their current selves are so very happy they didn’t watch the movie alone, that they watched it together, in space they designed to be safe. Especially when ‘What was I made for?’ hit the television’s speakers. 

That’s when Natasha almost loses control, almost. Tears stream down her face and bury her face in Maria’s neck. Maria holds the back of her head with one hand, keeping her grounded. Tears streaming down her own face intensify.

Once the credits are done they move slowly together to the bedroom. Already beeing in sleepwear is something they are both very grateful for. 

As they climb into the bed, Nat’s back to Maria’s front, the taller woman’s arms wrapped around the red head’s middle. Natasha hanns onto them like they keep her alive there and then. 

None of them falls asleep, the movie too recent in their minds. 

It’s about an hour later when Natasha starts reciting all too familiar speech:

“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.”

Maria saw this coming. She knows how they taught them languages, she knows almost everything. So she lightly tightens her hold of the Russian as she continues, as if in a trans.

“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.”

Maria can feel tears rolling down her face once again. She joins Nat for the next part, unable to keep all the emotions to herself, needing an out as her heart threatens to slam her chest apart.

“You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.”

Natasha turns in her arms, tears streaming down her face. 

“But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.”

They put as much emotion into it as theu can, as much pain, anger and all of the feelings they had to hide throughout their life.

“You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.”

They stare at each other silently, both the definition of ‘mess’.

“They really fuckes us up didn’t they?” Maria nods and lets out a desparate laugh. 

“I think that's the understatement of the century.” Maria caresses Nat’s face, not necessarily erasing the tears. They should fall, Nat deserves to cry as much as she needs. 

Natasha nods, leaning into the touch. 

“You know, I used to be scared of every man in the room, in the world.” Her chuckle is dry, painful, a life of memories she’d rather forget. “I was so scared, no, terrified for her.” Maria nods, not only did she feel it when Natasha tensed up like a guitar string, she had the same feeling. 

“I’m so happy all of the Barbies have each other, and Gloria and Sasha..” her voice stops in its tracks as sobs kept down for too long rip through her. 

Maria simply opens up her arms and lets Natasha decide just how much human contact she can handle in the moment. 

Nat hides in Maria’s shoulder, hugging her stomach like her life depends on it, letting herself get close. 

Maria hugs her back, making soothing circles on her back. 

“You deserved so much better Nat, so much better.” and for once in her life Natasha nods, she doesn’t deny, doesn’t deflect, she just nods, heavy crying into Maria’s shoulder. 

“I’m so proud of you, so proud of how far you’ve come. ”That you let yourself be emotional and comforted after a movie that had no right to hit the places as much as it did,” Maria murmurs into Nat’s hair. 

Natasha raises her head up after a couple of minutes, her presumably red eyes looking straight through Maria.

“I’m proud of you too. Emotion about a movie based on a doll I know you used to play with.” They both grin at that, slowly, almost sadly. “Let yourself feel it all love, please.” 

Maria was already crying with Nat, but now she begins anew. Gods, the men in their lives had really managed to completely mess them up. 

It’s hours before they go to sleep, softly talking and crying, letting their inner children out under the safety and hood of the night.

[punkassfrance]

Mare Nostrum Mediterranean Grill - Chapter One - Joel/Tess/Reader

Currently rated T, rating will change in later chapters! Contains drug use, swearing, sleazy flirting, and an HR nightmare brewing.

Summary:

Your first job would have been stressful enough if you didn't have to deal with mind games from Joel and Tess. But god, you couldn't bring yourself to complain. - Joel and Tess are line cooks who really, really like flirting with the innocent newhires. Or maybe it's just you.

Enjoy! I'll do my best to update soonish if people like it! AFAB reader implied later on, written with HBO descriptions in mind!

Entire Work - Next Chapter

It was Thursday night before midterms when you realized you couldn’t put off getting a job for much longer.

The pizza you’d mooched off your roommate that night was good, but it didn’t feel like enough as you tore through papers and flash cards. Fifty-cent coffee from the gas station around the corner had been a godsend, both to keep you awake and to get you out of the dorm after hours of crunching up into your bunk bed with your laptop.

Once you felt satisfied with your work you pushed the laptop away and sighed, leaning out and glancing up at your roommate on the top bunk.

“I’m so done with this. Want some?” You held up the altoids can of edibles from under your bed, rattling it to catch their attention. “Least I could offer after stealing your pizza.”

They shook their head, clicking off the lamp precariously balanced on the windowsill. “Nah, thanks though. Too tired to have any fun with it.”

You nodded and looked down at the dented tin, huffing to yourself. You could hardly sleep sober anymore, if you were honest. The stress of college got to you faster than you thought it would. Much faster.

The tin clicked open and you sighed, knowing you only had a day or two left. Your family covered your bills- but any real comfort you’d have to find yourself.

After midterms, you thought. I’ll start looking after midterms.

Clicking off the fairy lights strung up around your bed, you stared up at glow-in-the-dark star stickers and spaced out, savoring the bitter taste on your tongue.

-

If you were honest, you were shocked you got a call back after you fumbled the hell out of your interview. The owner knew you were hungover, she had to- as nice as she seemed, she terrified you.

You stood in the corner of the dining room, wringing your hands, glancing between the kitchen and the front door. There was only one other server to train you, Dina if you remembered right. She was perky and energetic, but too busy rushing around the dining room to do much in the way of training. So far, you’d learned how to hold a rag and wipe down dirty tables. The urge to be more helpful gnawed at you. This was your first hour of your first job, you thought as you picked up the rag again.

I will not fuck this up.

The bell in the kitchen window rang.

Dina moved around the room with precision you couldn’t even dream of. You never thought of people as graceful, but she was, somehow. Her hip curved away from the counter as she moved past it, her hand hooked on the wall to make a quicker turn. It was incredible to watch.

You’d only met one of the owners so far, Maria, when she sat across from you at your interview. She seemed friendly enough, but the mere thought of this woman being your first real boss was enough to make you sweat. Her husband hadn’t been in yet. You’d only met Dina and Maria so far. Not a bad first impression of the establishment, but-

The bell rang twice.

…Dina all but threw her handful of dishes into the tub beside you and wiped her hands, giving you a quick smile as she stepped up to the register.

“Hi! What can I get started for you?”

Jesus, she was good at this.

Maybe I’m not cut out for food service.

“Oy, kid. You got hands?”

You started out of your train of thought, looking over to the kitchen window. A woman leaned out of it, hunched over, her greying hair pulled back. Her eyebrow was raised as she gestured at the plate of food in the window, giving you a look.

“Uh…I- it’s my first day, and I don’t want to…”

“Don’t want to what, fuck up carrying food? Come here.” She waved you over, peering out the window into the lobby. You nodded and made your way over as she grabbed napkins and utensils from a box beside the window. As you got a closer look at her, you felt your heart beating in your ears. She wasn’t as graceful as Dina per se, but the confidence in her movements sent a shiver down your back.

As you approached, she pointed at a table of two old women. “This is their order. Take the tray-” she smacked your hand as you went to pick it up, ripping a glove out of a box beside her and handing it to you. “...fuck, kid, get a glove first. Whichever hand you’re going to hand them the food with. Take the tray, set the plates in front of them, then give them the napkins. The shawarma is for the one in the cardigan, the lentil soup is for the other one. Ask if they need anything else, then come back.” You nodded, heart thudding as she pushed you into the deep end. “...and bring the fucking tray back, I need that. Go on, you got it.”

She pulled away from the window and went back to preparing food, dismissing you before you could argue. Over her shoulder, Dina shot you an apologetic look, but continued taking orders.

The tray was heavy in your hands as you walked over to their table, threatening to clatter to the ground, but the thought of disappointing Dina and…kitchen lady kept you steady. One of the women gave you a sympathetic grin as you set the plates down, hands betraying your confidence.

“Thank you, miss. You’re doing alright.” One of the ladies reassured before you smiled and turned away. As you looked back, you saw the woman in the window again. She leaned on the counter, watching you with a stern eye as you walked back with the tray. Dina was watching beside her, muttering into her ear.

“Good. Now Dina, would you train this poor kid so they’re not shitting themselves every time they talk to someone?”

“Tell Tommy to schedule an extra server on training shifts and I’ll think about it.”

The woman in the window glanced back into the kitchen, peering around. She sighed before turning back to Dina.

“Let me talk to Joel real quick. He might be able to take over the kitchen for a bit, I can come up and help train.”

“Thanks, Tess.”

Tess didn’t acknowledge either of you as she walked back into the depths of the kitchen, turning a corner you couldn’t see around.

“She’s not that awful, I promise.”

Before long, Tess came up front, taking off her apron and tossing it into a corner behind the kitchen door. “Joel’s got a handle on it for now. Dina, you want me to take over training?”

“You got it boss.”

Tess looked over to you, giving you a slow once-over. It felt like sizing you up, but you weren’t sure what for. “Ever worked in a restaurant before?”

You shook your head, looking down to wring your hands again. “No.”

“Shit, have you ever worked before at all?”

“...no.”

She scoffed, looking away. “Well, let’s get to it then.”

You heard the bell ring, then a low whistle.

“Shit, Tess. I didn’t know we had a newbie.” A man leaned out of the kitchen window, bracing on the counter. He gave you a lopsided smile, brown curls hanging over his forehead. “Cute one, too.”

“Let’s go easy over there, Joel. They almost had a heart attack serving Ethel and Nora. Swear, I was about to get the defibrillator. Thought we were gonna have our first code blue.”

“Aw, give them a break babe. Keep glowering and you’ll kill them for sure.”

Joel turned when he heard the computer chime with an order, Dina ringing in a short line of customers.

Tess looked down at the order and sighed, pulling a glove on and picking up the tray. “Don’t mind him.”

-

Before long, your shift was nearing an end, Tess showing you the bare minimum to get through a shift. She watched you for a moment as you worked before nodding and picking up her apron. “Heading out back for a smoke. You and Dina should have it for now.”

As she walked out the back door, Joel leaned over to you through the window. “Hey, uh…want my number? If you need a shift covered or something.”

“Oh-” You think for a moment, sneaking a glance at dark brown eyes before looking down. “Sure, write it down.”

When he folded a napkin and passed it your way, he winked. “Let me know if you need anything, kiddo.”

You felt heat crawling up your neck when Tess came back. She grabbed your shoulder. “Well, how was your first shift, kid?”

“Oh, it was-” You went to tuck Joel’s number into your pocket before Tess grabbed your wrist lightly.

“Joel gave you his number?” She narrowed her eyes at you, staring for a moment. Fuck, of course. They’re a couple. God, what was I thinking?

“I…yeah, he did, just in case I needed a shift covered or…something?” She stared. You wouldn’t meet her eye, looking at the floor in shame- but you weren’t sure why. Her hand was loose on your wrist, but you felt pinned, held in place by nothing. You stood there under her gaze for what felt like forever before she looked into the kitchen and took the napkin.

“Yeah. Here-” She took a pen from the counter, opening the napkin and scribbling her number under Joel’s. “...in case you need something.”

-

As you walked out the front door with a free meal and keys in one hand, you looked up at the stars. They didn’t tell you anything you wanted to know.

There was a lot you wanted to know.

Next Chapter

Hope you enjoyed! Crossposted on AO3 at scp116, you can subscribe there for fic updates! Hope to post another chapter soon c:

[themculibrary]

Maria/Steve Masterlist

Adjectives Assemble (ao3) - SugarFey M, 26k

Summary: Natasha wants to find that rare edition of The Master and Margarita before her rival at the Russian language bookstore does. Kate is distracted by the cute barista next door. Carol and Jessica dance around each other. Maria just wants to keep her business afloat without being bothered by pesky police officers or high school art teachers, no matter how polite they may be.

Another average day at Adjectives Assemble.

As Safe as Houses (ao3) - DizzyDrea T, 25k

Summary: Senator Steve Rogers (R, NY) is a decorated war hero who has a deep and abiding desire to serve his country, which may or may not include someday running for President. Maria Hill is a veteran Air Force pilot working in the private sector and bored out of her mind. When Steve finds himself needing a private security detail for a trip to France, he hires Shield Security and Maria becomes his constant companion. They grow closer as the trip progresses, but can they survive what's coming to find out if their Paris sojourn could turn into something real?

A Woman Of Edges (ao3) - tielan G, 12k

Summary: "I’m beginning to think you’re the most terrifying woman I’ve met." Learning to like, live with, and love Maria Hill.

can't carve a whistle (ao3) - irnan G, 3k

Summary: Maria Hill's never found it easy to explain why she became a SHIELD agent, but she knows why she stays one.

chiseled out of brick (ao3) - Anonymous T, 23k

Summary: He was a grown man, hell, he was a superhero. Asking a girl out for a drink wasn't that hard. It wasn't rocket science or espionage or math or divine intervention - it was just asking a girl a question. Out loud.

conversations with other women (ao3) - zauberer_sirin G, 9k

Summary: Steve still believes that someday someone is going to teach him how to dance.

Counterfeit and Counterpart (ao3) - Frea_O T, 28k

Summary: Five times Maria Hill doesn’t understand Natasha Romanoff, and why she might be better off that way.

Dinner In Other Languages (ao3) - tielan G, 3k

Summary: Maria can manage professional colleagues with Rogers, but she values her place in S.H.I.E.L.D more.

From A Certain Point Of View (ao3) - tielan G, 9k

Summary: Of friendship, love, and best-laid plans; small gestures and public displays of possessiveness; enlightenment, advice to young padawans, and the loyalty routines of JARVIS.

Gone But Not Forgotten (ao3) - Shorti G, 4k

Summary: They say that history is written by the victors of war, but a war fought amongst brothers has no winners. That's when you need a woman like Maria Hill to step in.

The one in which Maria and Steve are actually on the same side.

Holding Out For A Hero (Or Maybe Not) (ao3) - tielan G, 7k

Summary: The first time Steve Rogers notices Maria Hill is when she steps into the discussion about Loki's capture, and he realises nobody questions her right to be there. And that's just the start.

if time is all I have (ao3) - tielan G, 4k

Summary: Maria knows what that look means. She knows the mindset behind it. She's seen it in the resolve of agents who knew the odds of going in, heard it in field operatives calling for an exit in impossible situations, witnessed it in extraction targets who didn't believe that they'd actually make it out. And sometimes the odds were defied, the impossible happened, and everyone made it out in one piece. Sometimes.

To see that expression in the man they call the Winter Soldier....

I'll be There (ao3) - Lokisarmy0602 T, 2k

Summary: After DC Maria felt she needed to go see Steve in hospital. After dealing with the congress and Stark, she knew she could deal with an injured Super Soldier. Sam called to ask her to do the same thing as she had done in DC... press the button to send the missiles.

Look Clear and Calm (ao3) - Beatrice_Otter T, 13k

Summary: The Avengers need oversight, but Ross's plan is dangerous and unjust. Maria will have her work cut out for her, if she wants to stop it. Meanwhile, Steve has a question for her.

Maria Hill's Late Lunch (ao3) - tisfan E, 2k

Summary: Maria is cranky. Her lunch is late, her boyfriend is a jerk, and she has to deal with Secretary Ross. Could this day get any more torturous?

Yes, yes it could.

Radio Silent (ao3) - hecklesyeah M, 77k

Summary: "I shouldn't be doing this."

"What, stuff yourself with breakfast food for dinner?"

"I haven't even decided which pie to have for dessert. No, this," she says and gestures between them. "I shouldn't be doing this. And yet here I am."

- - -

Alternately: the one where Maria and Steve navigate a relationship and where Tony and Bucky figure out how to move forward from a murderous elephant in the room.

The Odd Couple (ao3) - tielan T, 8k

Summary: He's fast and she's weird.

Twice the Joy (ao3) - sbarmarj G, 3k

Summary: Maria spoke again after a moment. “There is a Swedish saying that shared joy is twice the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow. Maybe you felt normal because you could finally share your sorrow.”

At Tony's memorial service, Maria and Steve discuss the last five years, his impending time travel, grief and finding joy before he leaves once more.

Two Lies and A Bit of Truth (ao3) - igrockspock T, 3k

Summary: Maria Hill has a lot of back stories. One of them is even true.

[meatriarchived]

i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );

can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.

but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.

you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,

that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.

that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.

and in that moment everything seems solidified.

you're never getting away.

there's no point in it.

there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.

you're dead.

not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.

what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?

who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?

the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.

[rockislandadultreads]

Women’s History Month: Fiction Recommendations

Dead Dead Girls by Nekesa Afia

Harlem, 1926. Young Black women like Louise Lloyd are ending up dead.

Following a harrowing kidnapping ordeal when she was in her teens, Louise is doing everything she can to maintain a normal life. She’s succeeding, too. She spends her days working at Maggie’s Café and her nights at the Zodiac, Harlem’s hottest speakeasy. Louise’s friends, especially her girlfriend, Rosa Maria Moreno, might say she’s running from her past and the notoriety that still stalks her, but don’t tell her that.

When a girl turns up dead in front of the café, Louise is forced to confront something she’s been trying to ignore - two other local Black girls have been murdered in the past few weeks. After an altercation with a police officer gets her arrested, Louise is given an ultimatum: She can either help solve the case or wind up in a jail cell. Louise has no choice but to investigate and soon finds herself toe-to-toe with a murderous mastermind hell-bent on taking more lives, maybe even her own...

This is the first volume of the “Harlem Renaissance Mystery” series.

Circe by Madeline Miller

In the house of Helios, god of the sun and mightiest of the Titans, a daughter is born. But Circe is a strange child - neither powerful like her father nor viciously alluring like her mother. Turning to the world of mortals for companionship, she discovers that she does possess power: the power of witchcraft, which can transform rivals into monsters and menace the gods themselves.

Threatened, Zeus banishes her to a deserted island, where she hones her occult craft, tames wild beasts, and crosses paths with many of the most famous figures in all of mythology, including the Minotaur, Daedalus and his doomed son Icarus, the murderous Medea, and, of course, wily Odysseus.

But there is danger, too, for a woman who stands alone, and Circe unwittingly draws the wrath of both men and gods, ultimately finding herself pitted against one of the most terrifying and vengeful of the Olympians. To protect what she loves most, Circe must summon all her strength and choose, once and for all, whether she belongs with the gods she is born from or with the mortals she has come to love.

The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan

Frida Liu is struggling. She doesn’t have a career worthy of her Chinese immigrant parents’ sacrifices. She can’t persuade her husband, Gust, to give up his wellness-obsessed younger mistress. Only with Harriet, their cherubic daughter, does Frida finally attain the perfection expected of her. Harriet may be all she has, but she is just enough.

Until Frida has a very bad day.

The state has its eye on mothers like Frida. The ones who check their phones, letting their children get injured on the playground; who let their children walk home alone. Because of one moment of poor judgement, a host of government officials will now determine if Frida is a candidate for a Big Brother-like institution that measures the success or failure of a mother’s devotion.

Faced with the possibility of losing Harriet, Frida must prove that a bad mother can be redeemed. That she can learn to be good.

The Paris Library by Janet Skeslien Charles

Paris, 1939: Young and ambitious Odile Souchet seems to have the perfect life with her handsome police officer beau and a dream job at the American Library in Paris. When the Nazis march into the city, Odile stands to lose everything she holds dear, including her beloved library. Together with her fellow librarians, Odile joins the Resistance with the best weapons she has: books. But when the war finally ends, instead of freedom, Odile tastes the bitter sting of unspeakable betrayal.

Montana, 1983: Lily is a lonely teenager looking for adventure in small-town Montana. Her interest is piqued by her solitary, elderly neighbor. As Lily uncovers more about her neighbor’s mysterious past, she finds that they share a love of language, the same longings, and the same intense jealousy, never suspecting that a dark secret from the past connects them.

[bumbleb4008]

I really liked this one and I hope you do to!

Chapter 4: A Way Out of Hell

“Who’s the kid?” Asked Natasha Romanoff. Apparently Cameron had gained confidence from the escape and said without stuttering. “Cameron Maximoff and we have to go now!” She tried not to think about her brother and sister who were still in there. I’ll be back. She promised to herself. I promise.

Without hesitation the team of heroes began running away from the place where she had been trapped for so long. A twang of guilt stabbed her chest. I can’t go back, not right now if I do I’ll be killed. She tried to convince herself. But before she could say she had to go back the captain had her in his arms, he must have noticed her struggling to keep up. She didn’t quite realize it but she was absolutely exhausted.

ZIP! “What the hell was that!” Yelled the Hawkeye. Damit, Cameron knew exactly what it was or more accurately who. “Shit!” Yelled the billionaire hero. “Language!” How could this be happening, they had never ever let them out in the field before. They know I got out that’s why and those 2 are out and those 2 will do anything to keep me safe. She thought. “There’s more then one enhanced being here.” Cameron said. “It’s not just me and if I know them well enough, if we don’t go you’ll all be in cells and I’ll be in a lab again.” They team was running again but Cameron knew her siblings well, they had no chance of making it away without her using her powers.

As they ran to what she hoped was an aircraft she fired sparks from her palms. “Oh for gods sake.” Cameron yelled but as she did a stream of fire came from her hands, she may not like using her fire powers but it was her strongest and her brother and sister her much stronger then her. “Damit that was exhausting.” The girl said before she stumbled on her feet.

“Get this bird in the air!” Is all she heard before she passed out. While Cameron was asleep the Avengers argued and questioned what to do with the young girl. “When I was fighting those guards, that kid was terrified that she wouldn’t get out of there and I don’t know what they did to her in there but we have to make sure that she never has to go back ever again, ok.” It was Steve who made sure she was getting out, he could have left her there but he didn’t, he wanted this little girl to be free. “She also has super powers.” Said Tony, that’s what convinced them to let her stay.

Cameron was just drifting away from the nightmares that flooded her sleep when they touched down at, well she wasn’t quite sure. “You’ve been out for a while kiddo.” Said a soothing voice that belonged to Natasha Romanoff. “How long?” Said the girl in her thick Sokovian accent. “About 7 hours, we’ve stopped in London to refuel but we’ll be in New York by the end of the day.” Natasha reassured the 12 year old.

She was still tired by the time they arrived at Avengers Tower. “Whoa.” Cameron said quietly but Steve still managed to hear her. He smiled at her. “That’s about the same reaction I had when I came here for the first time.” Steve exclaimed to her. She giggled. “Never thought I would have something in common with the great Captain America.”

A man by the name of Happy escorted her to a spare room and tells her to get cleaned up because of a party that will be thrown in only a few hours. The rest of them went a different way except for Steve and a woman who met them at the landing who she would later learn to be Maria Hill who went down an entirely different hallway from the one she was led down.

“Who were those 2? The ones that attacked us on the way to the Quinnjet.” Steve asked agent Hill. “They’re brother and sister by the name of Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, he’s fast and she’s weird.” Steve looked shocked. “That kid, the one we just broke out of there, her name is Cameron Maximoff.” Maria looked about just as nervous as Steve felt. “You don’t think they wanted us to find her do you?” Steve asked

“Wheres the kid!” Steve yelled. “Down the hall in the extra room!l someone responded. The captain and the agent burst into Cameron’s room. “What the hell!” The kid yelled. “What if I was naked!” They didn’t seem fazed by her comment. She began to get worried. “So just found out it was your brother and sister that attacked us on the way out!” Said Steve Rodgers. “I can explain!” She said desperately. “Oh I hope you will kiddo.” Agent Hill Said in a menacing tone.

“I promise you that I would never do anything to help those monsters, they tortured me! I was 6 and they were already experimenting on me! I was 6 but they didn’t care they treated me like I was a virus and my screams of agony would not be listened to or considered. They didn’t care about me. All they wanted was power so they gave it to me and expected me to be their little slave. I wasn’t I did anything and everything to piss them off to make them weaker. I didn’t care if they were going to kill me I just wanted to make sure they fell first!” She finished and did what her brother did after he gave some sort of speech to her and waited for their reaction. Almost everyone was silent, most of the people in the building were there to watch her confess. But to her surprise it was the one member of the team who hadn’t spoken to her yet. “She’s telling the truth.” Said Bruce Banner.

[skinnyducky]

as it was // v.h.

a/n this was going to be tied to another request but i decided to make it its own. i didn’t really want to do something intricate, just make it simple. hope you like it. also.. couldn’t think of a better title lol.

vinnie hacker x fem!reader

Word Count: 1.3k, edited

WARNING: language (i think), a lil sad but not too much.

---------

"He seems happy."

Y/n removed her eyes from the small fire in front of her to meet the warm eyes of the older woman beside her, Maria—Vinnie’s mom. "Hm?"

Maria nodded over to Vinnie, who was currently running around their backyard with his dad, his brother, and his dog, Poncho. Instead of joining in on the fun, the ladies decided to unwind and take a minute to catch up. Although Maria was doing most of the talking, Y/n was just listening, having nothing to add to the conversation. It’s not that she didn’t want to talk, she just had a lot on her mind.

"Yeah, he is." She cleared her throat. "At least, I think he is."

"What do you mean?"

Y/n shrugged, looking down at her trembling hands. "Things between us haven’t really been going too well." She sighed, "It’s just not the same as it was when we first started dating."

"What’s happening? Trouble in paradise?"

"I guess you could say that. I mean, it’s nothing major. He’s just been avoiding me."

With furrowed brows, Maria shifted her body so she was facing Y/n. "I thought you two were in love. The last time I saw you guys, you were all over each other. It was like you were a married couple or something. Hell, I honestly did think you had gotten married."

Y/n laughed and shook her head. "We’re still in love. Well, I’m still in love. I don’t know if that’s the case for Vinnie."

That was the honest truth: Y/n didn’t know how Vinnie felt anymore, and quite frankly, that scared her. He just shifted overnight, like a werewolf. He went from this passionate, sweet, and caring lover to some heartless creature who was unrecognizable. And it’s not like Y/n hadn’t brought it up to him, but every time she did, he’d either change the topic or just walk off completely. It was weird, scary, and it made Y/n worry for the future of her relationship. She loved Vinnie, and it hurt that he might no longer feel the same.

"That doesn’t sound like him at all," said Maria. "Why would he ignore you? Y/n, I can’t tell you how many times he’s called me, going on and on about how much he loves you."

"I honestly wish I knew the answer to that." Y/n glanced over at the boy, watching as he smiled and laughed with Nate and Reggie. "You know, I haven’t seen him smile or laugh like that in about a month."

Just from the tone in her voice, Maria could tell that Y/n was heartbroken. What she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out was why Vinnie was doing this—avoiding her. There was no doubt in her mind that he loved her. He expressed on multiple occasions that Y/n was the one he wanted to marry, to have children with, and to grow old with. This was the girl for him, and yet here he was treating her like gum on the bottom of his shoe. It just didn’t make sense. However, as she sat on the thought a bit more, it became clear to her what was going on.

"He loves you." Maria stated, leaning over to lay a hand on Y/n’s shoulder. "Trust me when I say that."

"Then can you explain what his deal is?" It’s scaring me."

Maria took a breath and chose her next words carefully, not wanting to make Y/n feel even worse than she already did. "It’s not that he doesn’t love you, sweetie. In fact, it’s the opposite. He loves you so much that it terrifies him."

Y/n was confused. Why on earth would Vinnie be terrified to love her? "I don’t get it." She replied.

"Y/n, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the first girl he’s been with for more than a month. For god’s sake, you’re the first girl he’s brought here multiple times. I’d even go as far as to say you’re the first girl he’s said, ‘I love you’ to," explained Maria. "He loves you so much that he’s scared to lose you. So many relationships he’s had have ended, and he’s just worried that yours might end and he’d end up heartbroken."

"That…that makes sense." Y/n nodded. She hadn’t ever considered that possibility. It was so easy to be a pessimist and see things from a negative point of view. But thanks to Maria, she now understood what was going on. "I honestly hadn’t thought about that, but yeah, it definitely makes sense. He’s distancing himself, not because he doesn’t want to be with me, but because he’s guarding his heart."

"Exactly. So, what are you going to do."

Y/n shrugged. "The only thing I can do…talk to him. But that’s going to be a challenge. He’ll most likely just avoid me again."

"Lucky for you, you have me here." Maria winked at Y/n before standing up and strolling over to the boys. She whispered something to Nate, only for him to whine, resulting in her scolding him. The next thing Y/n knew, both Reggie and Nate were being led back into the Hacker house by Maria. Vinnie, on the other hand, made his way over to Y/n where he plopped down next to her, while Poncho sat down right by his feet.

"So, where’d they go off to?" She asks, looking down at her lap.

"She needed their help getting something into the house," answered Vinnie.

Y/n nodded in response, hesitating to look at him.

It was silent between the two, the tension so thick it could be cut with a knife. While Y/n was afraid to speak, she knew she had to. She needed to say something, and she needed to do it before her relationship went down the drain.

"I know what’s wrong."

Vinnie glanced over at her, brows knitted together. "What?"

"I know why you’ve been avoiding me," Y/n revealed. "You don’t have to be afraid, you know?"

"Y/n, I—"

"No, I’m for real. You don’t have to be afraid." She finally looked up and met his eyes, noticing the sliver of sadness lingering in them. "Vinnie, the thought of leaving you has never once crossed my mind. You’ve been so good to me, better than any of my other exes. I love you so much it physically hurts. But knowing that you’re scared about me leaving you, it hurts even more."

Vinnie swallowed hard, leaning back into his seat. "I just, I get so worried sometimes. I feel like I’m not good enough, or there will be times where I feel like you’ll get tired of the attention on the internet and leave. I get so scared, Y/n. I really do. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you like the others."

Y/n felt her heart melt at his words. A smile crept onto her face as she moved towards him, wrapping her arms around his torso as she rested her head on his shoulder. "Awe, baby. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this earlier?"

"I don’t know. I’ve never been good at things like this."

"Well, now you know you can talk to me about anything. We’re a team, Vinnie. If one of us is down, so is the other." Y/n kissed his cheek. "We’ve got to communicate, otherwise we will lose each other."

"I hear you," Vinnie reciprocated Y/n’s actions, only instead of kissing her cheek, he kissed her forehead. "You mean so much to me."

"And you mean more to me."

The couple sat there for a minute, just enjoying each other’s company. Vinnie was at ease, knowing that Y/n had no plans to dip anytime soon. For Y/n, she was glad that she confronted Vinnie and got to the bottom of the issue. The lingering pain of Vinnie’s negligence had faded away, the hurt which had clouded her heart now evaporating. There was no more tension between the two and things were back to the way they were.

---------

tag list: @barbietiingz​ @tvdsure​ @suqarszn​