#maybe I'm just making this up because I'm autistic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sciderman · 6 months

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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks

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giantkillerjack · 4 months

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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

#social skills #i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag #original #maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title #in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am #challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment #for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the #most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than #most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny #(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by #being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating #i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate #I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to #really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would #go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people #it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them #stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in #order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially #autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules #and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules #but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too

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piplupod · 3 months

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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more #but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse #i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society #and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this #but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on #and everyone else is just painfully oblivious #I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao #when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak #and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much #i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind #and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it #im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings #but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel #and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard #and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person #i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time #like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people #i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe #Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything #and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them #and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly #like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl #i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well #my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things #and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!

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nyaacatboy · 8 days

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hey aros/aces of tumblr has anyone else figured out to express the sentiment "I hate it when people complain about being single to me" to allos without them launching into the perfectly valid ways in which they are unhappy with their singleness or conflating "complain about being single" with "talking about dating or being attracted to anyone."

#tempted to just make it i hate it when people complain about being single to me because if you're not happy single #you won't be happy in a relationship. bc that's more acceptable than being like. yah its bc im aromantic #like i get it i get it it's a big thing! its a valid complaint! making it to me is the equivalent of talking about how much you hate kids #to someone who has kids. im glad i tested expressing this opinion to my good friends first before letting it Breach Containment #maybe like i hate it when ppl try and commiserate with me about being single. although that does exclude just the person who complains abou #being single and then when you offer possible solutions they reject all of them and like. alright fuck me do you really want a partner or n #although i might be having an autism moment there and that one is also. commiserating. which explains why im ok w my more autistic friends #complaining bc they mean what they say. bc like if i can't relate to ur emotions. at least let me fix problem #aro #ace #aroace #idk like i'm fine with hearing about my friends dating lives crushes funny moments etc. love that! love that for them #want 2 be up to date on the lore. but when it starts being 'you know how being single is the worst thing in the world' like nope! not me!#please you are making me so uncomfortable do you know how long it took me to accept that i don't want what you want?#do you know how much it hurts that you think i want something that i would never be happy in?

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anotherpapercut · 1 year

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CORRECT THANK YOU FOR SHARING

#submission #I actually have seen this meme because someone sent it to my supervisor at some point and she showed it to all of us ajdbkajs #working with a bunch of gay autistic math nerds fucking rules lmfao y'all have no idea #one of my bosses is super into sci fi and is also a math teacher and puts star trek and firefly and buffy and hitchhikers guide etc etc #references in EVERYTHING he makes. I took a math class from him once and all of the test questions were about some fuckin show #whenever he runs meetings he asks us questions based on star trek usually. recently in a meeting he asked us to choose the best captain #I'm one of only like 3 people who watches all of this shit so I looove going to meetings when he runs them #bc he'll ask some fuckin question like who's the best star trek captain. and the 3 of us who knows what's going on will just start arguing #while everyone else looks around like what the fuck is going on right now (this one always gets the newbies)#my ALL TIME favorite Jake moment tho was when I was there one night and there were no students so we were all just hanging out #and Jake walks out of his office and he looks kind of annoyed. and he's a big dude like super tall and broad and loud as hell #so I can hear him like mumbling shit all annoyed and I'm like hey Jake what's up? you doin ok?#and he sighed and was like no. the schools internet filter started blocking my FAVORITE board game forum #and now when I have a thought I can't just look it up to see if anyone's said anything about it. and that's like ALL I do. it's so annoying #and I was like Jake maybe that's why they blocked it akddjkansbdjsdbebs #god I love that dude. and this barely mentions my other supervisor who is autistic and pansexual and married to a woman #and both of them foster several kids. Jake has like 10 fuckin kids or smth bc he was fostering a couple of kids and then he got married #and she already had children and then they had a baby together. idk he's got like a whole baseball team they're very cute

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ipusingularitae · 9 months

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my dad: *telling me i do have socialization deficits, that i need to step out more and interact with people and look like i am part of the environment and that i am "there" and present*

me, knowing damn well i have socialization deficits and feeling overwhelmed in social situations, especially when I don't feel like i fit and when I don't know the other people: ... okay

my dad: did you get upset with me telling you this?

me, dissociating so I don't start crying in front of him: ... no

#like it's not that I think he shouldn't have told me that #because unless he tells me i have no idea what he's thinking and I'll just go about doing my stuff #but it's kinda upsetting to know that on those situations that I'm feeling like shit and wanting to cry #and that i just start using reading as a way to feel better on the situation #I'm actually looking like j don't wanna be there at all and that I'm in a bad mood #like- i am not. I'm just so overwhelmed that I can't think straight so i need to use this to regulate #maybe if i start using a sign saying “I'm not upset if you wanna talk just start the conversation” things might work #idk it's frustrating bc it's not that I don't wanna interact at all it's just so fucking hard #and i feel like ppl knowing that you're neurodivergent means that they can isolate you instead of just looking for better ways to interact #this is so fucked up #like yeah i can make an effort and mask as i do all the fucking time #but at the same time i know that the main reason i do this is bc ppl also don't wanna look for other interaction options #anyway that was a big rant #autism #actually autistic #autistic #neurodivergent #personal #life stuff

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running-in-the-dark · 4 months

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the book I'm listening to at the moment is..... frustrating. I'm probably going to finish it but only because I want to know what's really going on 🙃

#this is a direct quote......#'[she was] autistic too probably‚ so unable to relate to people or make relationships'#fuck off....#the main character literally thinks she is seeing a ghost but this other lady is the weird one. sure.#just because she likes to be alone and has reborn baby dolls. oh how fucking weird and creepy that is right?? 🙄🙄🙄#also the reborn babies were supposed to be like a big plot twist I guess? maybe I'm just too online but who doesn't know what those are.#the main character & her friend were horrified by them. okaaaay judgmental much? 🤨#ugh #I need to set up my computer so I can put more audiobooks on my phone 😬😬😬#personal

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theflannelwizard · 1 year

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Oops, I lied about sending all my questions in one, I thought of an actually specific question and not just a super general one five seconds after sending the ask:

Do you have any neurodivergent hcs for Buster and Gob(or other characters if you hc anyone else as neurodivergent)?

This is such a good question!! Okay!! It got long so I'm putting it under the cut, but TLDR: undiagnosed comorbid autistm and ADHD for both of them plus ADHD Tony Wonder :) I forced myself not to get into it with the rest of the Bluths cause this post would be a mile long but i did put cursory thoughts about them in the tags. All of this is spitballing and I'm definitely open to hearing other opinions!

Whatever is going on with Buster’s brain is the same thing that’s going on with my brain, so most likely ADHD and/or autism but DEFINITELY undiagnosed. None of the Bluths have the diagnoses they need and if someone (Tobias) tries to so much as allude to them being neurodivergent in front of George Sr. and/or Lucille it gets shut down immediately.

Anyway Buster reads more autistic than ADHD to me but it could be either or both. He has trouble reading other people’s emotions and regulating his own, he’s “strange” and “childish” in ways that are direct responses to how he was raised but also just read as neurodivergent, he’s got safe foods and takes things literally and has no clue how to read social cues and stims and gestures vaguely at all of him is just so very ND. Also the thing with ADHD-havers being randomly struck with bouts of guilt or self loathing? I think that’s him. ADHD was recently reclassified as an anxiety disorder, too, which we know full well is Buster, and it would not surprise me if his panic and anxiety attacks were brought on by sensory overload and RSD and other ADHD things at least some of the time.

As for GOB, I think he’s got the same deal but he reads more ADHD than autistic. I think they both have both but it presents differently in each of them. I’m fully on board with both magic and bees being special interests for that man, and he also just moves and talks and interacts with people in a very neurodivergent way. The stuttering when he’s overwhelmed is, to me, adjacent to (if not straight up being) him going nonverbal. He definitely has RSD too, look at how devastated he is when anyone rejects him ever. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he was bipolar, getting manic when he’s really into a project and then falling into depression for weeks or months at a time.

And, just as a bonus, I think Tony Wonder has ADHD. He recognizes it in GOB and helps him with learn to function in a healthier happier way and his siblings are so confused cause GOB just magically started getting more normal?? Except it’s not magic (and it’s not an illusion lmao) it’s just coping mechanisms. Tony’s been collecting them from various therapists for like 30 years. He has no clue how anyone in this family thinks they’re neurotypical.

#i also think lucille is neurodivergent in an autistic way (started as a joke because of how she stims at gene parmesan)#and maybe NPD but i hesitate to say it cause i know ppl with NPD are so marginalized and villainized and like. lucille sucks.#oscar has comorbid audhd too that's where buster got it. george is neurotypical he's just fucked up #lindsay definitely has SOMETHING going on but i can't tell how much reads as nd and how much reads as just traumatized but also privileged #michael takes personal offense to any armchair diagnoses people give him but he's probably nd. internalized ableism moment #he thinks he's so good at social cues and then he commits season 4. and every interaction he ever has with a woman.#just cause you're dry and exasperated doesn't mean you're neurotypical!!#like he MIGHT be but idk. idk. i honestly don't think about michael too much he bores me. sorry.#george michael has adhd and i say this less because of textual evidence and more because i'm projecting and they're and adhd-ass family #maeby is actually completely neurotypical but she's so traumatized you could never tell #tobias is not a can of worms worth opening here but i do think he constantly diagnoses the rest of the family while insisting he's nt #oh and adhd steve holt #anyway if any of them are neurotypical my guesses are maeby michael lindsay and george #oh and maybe george michael #maeby gm and lindsay are some of my faves btw i'm not just saying “i don't like this guy make his brain normal”#calvin talks #arrested development #busterposting #buster bluth #gob bluth #tony wonder #arrested development headcanons #anonymous-tals #answered

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bigmeansweatydyke · 1 year

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google search how to stop being so autistic because i'm apparently ruining my friendships by acting like an asshole and having no idea and i'm already so fucking exhausted

#my post #vent #like i don't think people get it lol #how fucking exhausting it is to have a million programs open in my head every time i have a fucking conversation #how i leave every fucking conversation wondering if everyone thinks i'm a massive dick #and it turns out that wow i was right to think that! just when i think i'm doing better apparently no i'm not!#it feels like the rules change every second and i don't know how everyone can just fucking GET it #like i'm trying i'm really fucking trying and apparently i'm not trying hard enough even though i'm so fucking tired #saw someone discuss this #how she feels the constant processing and the feeling over never being able to catch up is why autistic people kill themselves #and honestly yeah i agree because how the fuck am i supposed to fucking live like this #i dunno i'm just. tired #being like this just makes me want to not speak to anyone #hell maybe people would prefer it that way #i don't blame them i just wish people would understand it's so goddamn fucking hard and i'm so tired all the time #idk i'm being a lil bitch right now and i don't know what to do i just needed to vomit this out #peace and love and back to our regularly scheduled programming

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bri-does-art · 1 year

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Hi, just popping in to say I'm alive, still working on the next chapter and those ask responses, everything's good. |'D In case anyone was worried!

#i'm so sorry it's taking so long y'all #i'm just going through some INTENSELY STRESSFUL SHIT and it's taken a huge toll on me #but i'm doing my best i promise #i've had to take quite a few mental health breaks in the past few months #didn't help that a big part of the chapter was pretty difficult to write from a linguistic and technical perspective #but i've completed it!! now i just... gotta write the rest :'))))#maybe i'll do another poll for splitting the chapter or not because my god i am gonna finish this one in august at this rate #also random thoughts but #sometimes i think it'd be nice to join fnaf servers and meet and talk to people #make some more friends who love fnaf as well with whom i could talk and stuff #i keep going ''hmmm that'd be nice'' BUT #then i remember how i barely am active even on the server i am a mod for and i think of how big this fandom is #and i break into hives just thinking about it lmao #i don't want to be in a huge server i know it'll just stress me out and i'll end up muting it forever OTL #i perform so much better in little groups or one on one #but #to find these cool little groups or the cool people to talk to 1-on-1 i NEED to go through these hugeass servers and honestly no thank you #i am too autistic for this ;v;)#or maybe i am just growing old :'3 #i know there are some very cool people who follow me (how did it even happen i do not know) who i'd love to reach out to #who probably don't even realize that we'd be mutuals if it wasn't for this being a sideblog i can't follow back from #and i kinda want to keep my main blog kinda private just for online living hygiene reasons #*long wistful sighing* ah well

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waywardsalt · 2 years

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the phantom hourglass manga is the one i care about the most out of all of the loz manga and therefore the one i am most willing to rip apart because of its relation to the game, its own problems, and the potential that was lost or thrown away for any reason at all

making this separate than the list of things i liked about the phantom hourglass manga

im not going to be too organized about this; ill go by topic and in each topic go in chronological order through the manga and everything else will probably be all over the place

im not even going to touch the story yet and just go after the art off the bat because i really believe that this manga has the weakest art of all of them. i dont know if its due to some kind of time crunch or a lack of care but its really… im not expecting any of these books to have killer art, but in ph it just feels like there was less effort with inconsistencies in some designs and either very low detail or just absent backgrounds. this feels like a mean-spirited critique since i understand that manga is difficult to create and requires a lot of effort but its just visually… worse than the loz manga that came before or after it.

some specific grievances i have with the art are things like inconsistent designs of some characters (linebeck is hard to draw and i get that but hes just… never totally consistent) and some items like weapons (the shape of bellumbeck’s sword changes during the fight for some reason) and stuff is… left out. the fire temple has basically no layout since link’s just in some flavor of void for the entire blaaz fight. one of the panels with linebeck’s ship shows it from the behind at an angle where you should see the deck but its just not there

his ship is also missing its chimney on the cover art

this is also more of an opinion thing but the way astrid looks almost nothing like her game counterpart is just… it’s a nickpick based on opinion but that is Not The Same Character.

you can absolutely tell a fantastic story with lacking art, but the reason why im criticizing this manga’s art is because its the tenth in a series of manga who, up until this point, has had consistently good art, and then it drops off with weak backgrounds and character inconsistencies.

plus, i really care about how this story is visually portrayed.

the pacing, even with half of the story cut, is also a bit of a problem. as far as i'm aware, this is the only loz manga to have significant chunks of the story cut out, and while it admittedly works well with only half of the story, it fucks with the pacing a bit. specifically, it screws over linebeck's arc, which i'll talk about more in a different section, but it also kind of glosses over the phantom sword and (obviously) loses some possible time for further character exploration and whatever. the cut from the ghost ship right to jolene right to the final boss is, while handled well, kind of abrupt.

obviously, cutting half of the damn story will make what's kept feel a little too fast, but even some of the stuff more original to the manga is paced weirdly or is just... eh.

there's a bit after neri is found where linebeck decides to stop working with link and basically ditches him and this whole thing lasts one to two goddamn pages before everything is patched up and good and... why even include it if you turn the page and oh problem fucking solved. it's even a little out of character for linebeck at that point since a few pages before he's seen getting the sands of time for link and it's... it make sense but it's a really extreme character choice and while it serves its purpose (introducing the idea of linebeck not valuing other people very much and realizing that) it's still extremely brief.

the added stuff with linebeck being a past member of the ghost ship, while fine and interesting at first glance is also a strange choice that doesn't work all that well? it works for characterization and all of that but it makes for a weird situation with linebeck's character motivation where he's a coward and after the ghost ship for the treasure on it, but if he was present on the ghost ship literally as it was fucking gutted then he would know exactly what the danger of the ship is and want to avoid it no matter what. in the game his motivation for going after the ghost ship works because he doesn't know for certain whats on that ship and has never been on it. plus, aside from character backstory and whatever, it doesnt serve much of a purpose. linebeck even makes some comments about the ship's interior and the like but it all amounts to nothing because link never actually goes into the ship anyways. it's just a weird backstory to give linebeck.

the shuffling around (and cutting of one of) the three final bosses is also weird. it makes sense for the story order the manga goes with, but it actually lowers the stakes for the bellumbeck fight (in the game literally everything is on the line but in the manga its just linebeck and they absolutely use that to their advantage but still) and mixing the ghost ship fight and bellum fights make the final encounter really brief and kind of anticlimactic in some way. it's difficult to express, but the order of the final bosses in the game makes bellum a more interesting villain and melds with linebeck's arc in a much more interesting way. it feels like there was a specific reason for that given order and for the manga to just toss that aside means it loses something.

also reserving pretty much an entire chapter for jolene is A Choice to make. there's nothing wrong with using an adaptation to flesh out a character but here you don't learn anything new about jolene she just kind of makes very little sense in her motivations when you give her more screen time but dont change her from wanting to kill linebeck for fucking off but also still liking him maybe. good for you if you like jolene since she got more time here but they did pretty much nothing interesting with her

this is something i figured out while writing this, but the manga actually does Fuck All with the actual hourglass. you could've cut the fucking thing out and it wouldn't have effected the story too much. link never goes into the temple every again and the phantom sword is just. made on request with link having no interaction with it before using it to kill bellum. the only time the phantom hourglass is actually plot relevant aside from link first getting it and then using it to gather sand is when bellum tells link to bring it to the temple and then it's used exactly once to stop time and then it's used as proof that everything happened. oshus says link needs to use it and the sand to break the curse over the temple of the ocean king and then that never actually happens the sand and the hourglass is just used once to stop time once and otherwise it might as well not be in the story it's so weird. it's also implied that oshus needs the sand to restore tetra after he returns to his own true form but they dont say anything about that after he initially mentions it so who cares. oshus also tells link that zuaz will teach him how to defeat bellum. link never meets zuaz and still beats bellum anyways.

it feels like they cut the latter half of the story but forgot that the fucking majority of linebeck's entire goddamn character arc happens in that part of the story. sure, most of the cutscenes and whatever happens in the first part and linebeck does develop a bit in the first part but he doesn't really start to change until after the ghost ship, when you get his letter and his dialogue starts to change slightly to suggest that he's starting to like link more and care about something other than the possibility of treasure. the manga cutting out the latter half of the story but still making linebeck's arc end in similar places makes his arc feel really fast and even abrupt in the manga. he goes from being fully motivated to get treasure and still kind of selfish to caring a lot for link and deciding not to wish for treasure and the time was just NOT put in to make that a smooth transition.

honestly linebeck overall got fucked in the manga more than any other character. his arc was shafted, his characterization is strange and even kind of changed from the game, he's never drawn consistently and doesn't even look great since he seems to be stuck between two styles when he's drawn, he's more shallow and generally a less interesting character, and while most of that is probably a product of having one book to cover ph, it's still a problem.

like with all of the loz manga, the extremely limited amount of space and time the story is given absolutely fucks it over so you really are stuck with telling nothing more than an abridged and seriously inferior version of the story. i dont care how good the original stuff is if it barely qualifies as a good adaptation. the story wasn't told all of the way and none of the game's strengths are kept or expanded upon. you lose the majority of the best character's arc and depth. half of the story was cut. the title item is barely used. it feels like they didn't really care about adapting phantom hourglass and just hashed out a trimmed-down version of the story to fit into 188 pages and while there was some effort put in with a bit of a unique take on linebeck but it just falls flat when everything around it feels like it wasn't given a second thought.

i'm not suggesting that the author's didn't fucking care, i don't know what the process was with this, but it just... it doesnt feel like they actually wanted to earnestly create a good adaptation of this game. i have an altered perspective on all of this because this game is my special interest and something i deeply care about and inspect the little details of and it kinda just sucks that phantom hourglass never got a good adaptation because... this game has some serious potential for a really good extended adaptation.

Unlike the other Zelda games that the other manga cover, the structure of the journey in Phantom Hourglass has an insane amount of space for fleshing out of character, exploration of new concepts or character relationships, or just.. whatever you want. Providing you cover the original story, of course. Off the bat, there's a nebulous amount of travel time between islands, which can be used by authors for character moments and interactions and just little moments that can be used to further themes or concepts. You can use the implied time overseas between islands to have some interactions between Link and Linebeck. Show the three fairies hanging out with each other. Show the whole crew becoming closer to each other as time drags on.

Linebeck's existence and function within Phantom Hourglass alone is so fucking unique and amazingly good for an extended adaptation. In most other Zelda games, the companions are pretty much glued to Link's side and follows him through dungeons, or they're characters locked in a specific place, more or less divorced from Link's quest, but Linebeck is an integral part of the plot, present for every part of it as it advances, and yet he's out doing fuck-all while Link is in dungeons. He's a great excuse for authors to add detail to islands, write new characterization for background characters, or even just give Linebeck his own b-plot running concurrently with the game's normal plot. He's important to the plot and yet doesn't touch the gameplay; he's free to do whatever you want while Link does dungeon stuff. One possible idea I've mentioned before is the idea of, while Link is in the temple of the Ocean King, is to create and explore a possible relationship between Oshus and Linebeck. Scenes of them talking can be used to flesh out Oshus as a character and to add some extra depth to Linebeck and make his arc more interesting to follow.

There is... SO MUCH you can do with Phantom Hourglass if you care enough to do it, and I'm just so frustrated that we got this solid 4/10 of a manga.

#salty talks #bitching about the loz manga #hi if you think i'm wrong or made a mistake in this i implore you to fucking yell at me for it #i care about this game so fucking much that i would love to know if i fucked this up in any way #anyways uhhhh yeah. oof. it sucks.#i dont like jolene at all and have tags blacklisted to reflect that and will not touch stuff w/ her so thats why i dont read this much #jolene wanting to kill linebeck but still being implied to be attached to him makes me slightly uncomfortable ngl #probably one of the biggest reasons why i dislike her so much she gives me really bad vibes and is annoying #anyways. yall out here talking about how this manga has good dadbeck moments are fucking lying #maybe i cant see it because i have a good relationship with my dad but at best he's just. idk he gives a shit abt link at the most #i hate manga astrid i hate her so muhc. like. look at astrid in the game. what the fuck were the manga artists smoking #game astrid looks nothing like manga astrid and i like game astrid better.#this is incoherent bc im tired and i dont know how to write things like this and im so fucking tired #if you want clarification about any of this like you want me to talk about something specific?#send an ask or bring it up in a reblog or smth ill gladly discuss this book and why i kinda want to feed it to my dog #i just. game linebeck has queer vibes. game linebeck can be read as autistic #manga linebeck is neither. milquetoast ass fuckin wet cardboard take on a character #i dont even hate him he just fucking sucks compared to game linebeck #like. i hold game bellumbeck in such high regard bc everything about is is wonderful its a beautiful climax #every little thing about it is great i love the stakes i love the implications you can make about linebeck about bellum #the music the atmosphere the events leading up to it its place compared to other final bosses #manga bellumbeck is cool but its not what it could be #i didnt add any more photo evidence for art grievances bc theres a lot. bellumbeck's design changes between chapters #can you tell when making this post is no longer fueled by tired hate. can you #i thought about painting a target on my back and tagging this as phantom hourglass but thats a bad idea lol

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nbstevonnie · 11 months

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since i know that tumblr is going to ignore the fact i put a readmore there i guess i'll just talk in the tags

edit: how did i literally know you were going to do that tumblr, why are you like this. take two. not that it matters since it's all in the tags anyway.

#so. every time i have considered whether i might be autistic i have always come to the conclusion that i'm not #but i consider it regularly because i do resonate with a lot of autistic experiences - stuff i would all consider 'secondary' traits #and so not actually 'definitive' - but the fact that i do resonate makes it continually cycle back #e.g. feeling the need to explain myself very clearly so there's no room for ambiguity and in the process causing unnecessary confusion #or finding it difficult to look people in the eyes (i really find it hard to believe people maintain eye contact naturally???)#i've always thought even if i was it wouldn't make a difference to me to have a diagnosis or a label #but now i'm like 'maybe i should just get tested so i can definitively say (to my own standard) that i'm not so stop coming back to it >:('#adhd too #which. i'm less convinced of but i also realised that i probably DO do some things that i don't even realise are dealing with traits #e.g. i listen to music all the time because i'd get too easily distracted or unable to focus without it #i do play with various things a lot (e.g. pens; rings; the strings of my hoodie)#idk i just more and more get the feeling that SOMETHING is up with me but i just don't know what #i just don't seem to interact with the world the way most people do

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fortes-fortuna-iogurtum · 2 years

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it's so interesting to me that mental health and neurodivergence have long been interests of mine, and I've always looked at them from an "outside" perspective. not in a sense that I've looked down on them or thought they were "other" or anything like that, but I've just... always thought they were something I had no personal connection to? something that I had a mostly-academic interest in and no real ties to lived experience with.

but in the last few years, I've come to the slow realization that... I think mental health struggles and neurodivergence possibly run in (both sides of) my family?? and most of my extended family from previous generations would NEVER admit to it because they come from a time and culture where those things are kept very private and just not something you talk about.

but like, I'm fairly certain that OCD runs through one side of my family. I know that tics/Tourette's do. I suspect that AD(H)D might as well. I also know there's at least one cousin who's already been diagnosed with autism, and I can see pretty clear autistic traits in multiple other family members on that same side of the family, including myself and my mother (some of the reasons I think this: I was speaking in full advanced sentences at about 18 months old, reading college-level literature at 8-9 years old, and at different points had to have sit-down conversations with my parents about needing to make a deliberate effort to make eye contact and refraining from "compulsively" talking about and comparing everything to a special interest. I was actually formally banned from talking about one media series I loved for a whole week, because it was literally all I talked about, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do at that point in my life. I struggled a lot with twitches/tics and repetitive behaviours when I was young; I still find it very easy to lapse back into those behaviours if I'm stressed or tired.)

my mom has struggled with significant depression during various points of her life, as have I. at least one of my sisters has social anxiety; I suspect that my father does as well. I know one family member who likely has PTSD (due to experiences during military service) that's never been dealt with, and another (who was the victim of a violent crime) probably does, too.

and it's just... I've struggled to apply any of these labels to my own family because there's nothing official there. no doctors have assigned any titles or labels to us. I don't want to be the person who takes one college-level psych class and suddenly starts diagnosing everyone they know. but somehow, everything makes more sense when I start to look at the people around me, the ways they've been raised and have learned to operate in the world, and the ways that have in turn affected me, through these lenses? suddenly, we aren't just bizarre and dysfunctional, but our dysfunction has a rhyme and a reason.

and most importantly, I start to see hope. I see where the struggles and sins of my family members don't have to be repeated, where help can be asked for and received, because suddenly the real problems at the heart of all this mess have been uncovered, and instead of just trying to muscle through to prove my own worth, to show that I am worthy of a place in this world without needing any "special favours," I see where I can ask for grace and compassion and love and receive it.

#idk maybe none of this makes sense?#but I heard a family member say recently that another family member is incapable of showing affection #and that the same is true of their parent #and I worried that it might be true of me. that maybe people who could someday love me are destined to always be hurt and let down #because I'm incapable of showing love like they've said those others are #but... struggles to show care and affection in ways that other people (neurotypical people) can understand and accept #is a very common autistic trait #and so this all makes sense if there's a possibility that the people in question here are on the spectrum?#and not only does it comfort me that we're not just messed up. we're not just aliens or freaks or broken.#but there have been other people who have lived this way. and people who have lived with them.#there have been many people who have loved and been loved by autistic people (and people with other mental/neurodivergent issues)#and so maybe if I can just understand myself and the people who have created me as I am... maybe I can do life better than they did?#maybe I can avoid experiencing and inflicting some of the hurt?#and maybe I can reach a hand back through history and try to help them too? and if they're not around anymore #or if they can't really be helped like that #maybe at least honouring them by acknowledging them and trying to understand them and who they were... maybe that's worth something too?#neurodivergent #adhd #autism #idk even how to tag this y'all #2 a.m. ramblings with gurt are back #I may delete this in the morning but for tonight...#for tonight I just need to say all this and get it out of my mind so I can sleep

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