#maybe dont put it on the public internet

[spider-man-2o99]

Just wanted to say that I have been thinking of you and pre-emptively empathizing with the nonsense you are no doubt being flooded with and the psychic damage it must be causing. Keep stanning the king ignore the weirdos <3

thankg u.,, i feel like ive been trapped in a fuckign . Torture Labyrinth these past coupl days . but. wwe will. We Will Yet Persist onwards w/ our hand on the left wall till we;re either out or at the center i swear 2 fucking GOD,

[seilon]

i usually dont comment on these kinds of things because they shouldnt be treated with the level of weird parasocial interest they tend to be on social media generally but. claire (lil tay) was so fucking young. it doesnt take knowing her personally to feel just how jarring and genuinely tragic her sudden death is. like shit. she was only 14. she didnt even get to live her own life. sorry if this is pointless and theres no call to action or anything here but. jesus.

[bitegore]

idk i'm really not precious over a lot of my creative works. I don't care if you trace my art or recolor it, i don't really mind if you borrow my fics and cut them up into something you like better, i don't care if you want to spork my concepts because you think they're the stupidest crap you've ever heard of. you can play around with my ocs if you want as long as we understand that your interpretation isn't their "canon", you can steal their concepts and ideas and designs and i won't blink. i don't like. care. the important part of that for me is that i'm doing it and people like it, why should i give a shit what people do beyond that? public domain, no license, motherfuckers, go fucking nuts

[playingonedchess]

how is it that i can feel nostalgic about the time i was sitting on the pavement under an overpass in a foreign country crying because something didnt go my way and gave me a bit of a largish bill but clearly really cause there must be something wrong with me

[captainsbestgal]

"if you wouldn't ask said question to a coworker or a colleague or an aquitance maybe dont ask it" i have asked those people and they were happy to answer but go off

Babes. It's kinda weird to ask people you don't really know all that well (like coworkers and aquitances) why they aren't dating, let alone asking a stranger on the internet why.

Now, can some people be OK with it, yes, obviously. But, not everyone is going to be, and you knew it was a dicey question to ask cause your original ask to @batmanisagatewaydrug and this ask to me is on anon.

Edit: You know what, it's not the asking why someone isn't dating thing thats really the issue. It's the trying to force someone to out themselves. You asked if they were aro/ace, and maybe you are young and don't know any better, but you don't ask people if they are part of the LGBTQIA community let alone specifically try to put labels on someone.

People have been assaulted for being open about their sexuality, they've been killed for being open about their gender, and have been shunned from their family and people who they thought were friends. There's a reason why there's a whole ass term for not being public with your sexuality or gender. It's for our communities safety.

[aranock]

I'm tired.

Just sort of in general I am exhausted. I know I put on a brave face a lot, but the hate does get to me. The constant unceasing hatred both offline and online gets to me. I'm human idk what to say. Been thinking a lot about the Bilbo quote, I might be paraphrasing, "I feel like too little butter spread across too much toast."

It's pride month, I should be feeling happy right? I convocated finally after a brutal long degree I should be feeling happy right? I like how my body looks for the first time in my life shouldn't I feel happy?

And I know that's not helpful, that feelings are not a should thing. And yet I feel it anyway :/. Not that I do not feel happy, I would say on average I am better than I have been at any other point in my life. But it does get to me.

I was invited to dinner with a former family member, a blood relative that breached every boundary I placed and even went so far as to accost me in a public space. It's hard watching someone lose all love for you the more you become yourself. Being told I'm an embarrassment to my parents by creeps online stings a lot more now that I had a blood relative say it to my face while aggressively yanking my jacket so I couldn't get away. I know its a lie, I know that this person saying that hurt my parents as much as it did me. Alas, anxiety rarely responds to facts or evidence.

Everytime it feels like I'm fine and over it; this person manages to weasel their way around boundaries to fuck up my mental health for a week. And the thing about chronic illnesses like mine is they flare up quite horrendously when you get stressed and anxious. Anxiety means waking up to acid burnt throat from reflux.

It makes my voice dysphoric all day.

I think deep down one of my greatest fears is that I am unlovable, that everyone around me secretly hates me and is just waiting for the excuse to finally be rid of interacting with me. I am terrified that I am a burden. Mortified by the false belief that I am broken.

Despite how horrific my childhood adolescence and some of my early adulthood were, my family was at least a safe place. I recognize that I was privileged to have that. With that said I think the reason this whole thing has rocked me so much is that it violated that one last place I felt safe. It has made me doubt the love of those I never thought I would.

Sometimes transphobia feels like drowning, and if you try to swim for air everyone decides to shove you further down cause actually it's proof you are faking needing breath.

I text someone anytime I go run errands, just to make sure someone knows. Had too many experiences of hate. I get anxious when I go to get groceries; will this be the time I get hit by a vehicle driven by a far right transphobe, am I going to get called a slur again, will the store staff get suspicious of me and search through all my groceries to make sure I actually paid for it. But please, tell me how I don't know what its like to be oppressed. When men sexually harass, catcall, creepily hit on, follow me around clearly I am not at all experiencing sexism. Obviously the real worst thing in the world is that women "cancel" people on the internet, and trans people exist. Did they think sending me hateful articles would suddenly make me go "oh yes clearly its all in my head, please genocide my community, I stand for nothing and have the moral backbone of a slug."

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I dont usually feel or desire to express something like this publicly. I will probably delete it later. Maybe I disappear into writing cause its easier to deal with the feelings that way. That at least then someone gets something out of my pain. That maybe it helps to condense emotional mountains to the mole hills of short strokes of a pen or presses of a key. To let them explode outward in a flurry of thoughts and words that others look at and say "I too have felt this, you are not alone, you are not wrong for feeling this way."

Anything to take the weight of it all off my chest for a second.

Because I am tired.

I'm exhausted really.

I don't want to be brave or strong or resilient. It's tiring to bear the weight of that and a billion projections. Atlas does not bear the heavens upon his shoulders because he is strong or brave. He bears it because he has no other choice. Because people put it on him.

I just want to exist; that is apparently too much to ask for as a trans woman.

If you are concerned, please don't worry I'll be fine, I was fine every other time after all. This too shall pass. But right now it hurts.

And I have had my fill of hurt for many lifetimes.

[megumimania]

4:44 — patrick zweig

synopsis: after publicly embarrassing you and your marriage being at deaths door, patrick shows up offering much more than you bargained for.

warnings: angst, smut (17+), patrick is messy as fuck (figuratively and literally) ,cheating, brief mentions of art and tashi.

a/n: finally wrote something for patrick and of course it got a bit nasty and angsty lmao.

he never meant for you to find out like this.

finding out along with the rest of the world that he was cheating on you was something you didn’t expect to wake up to.

patrick knew of the humiliation and embarrassment that you were going to be subjected to as a result of the leaked paparazzi pics that showed him getting hot and heavy with tashi duncan, an old flame that never really died down. even though he reassured you otherwise.

the media never really left you alone at that point. your simple wish of privacy being disrespected at every turn you take. running simple errands were a thing of a past as you couldn’t escape the barrage of questions being asked as you put your shopping cart away.

‘mrs zweig, is it true that you’re divorcing your husband?’

“mrs zweig, how do you feel about the cheating allegations? do you forgive your husband?��

“mrs zweig, reports say that you engaged in a months long affair with art donaldson, is that true?”

the questions were obviously asked to get a rise out of you and despised it. using your marital issues to sell a quick buck was so low blow. a part of you wished they would fuck off somewhere else,hoping that there would be some new drama that they would fixate on and leave you alone.

thankfully they did, a random celebrity’s pregnancy announcement being enough to distract the public from the turmoil that was your life. you were so relived, finally being able to fade back into obscurity. however, whilst everyone managed to move on like the internet does, patrick was terribly relentless.

patrick kept trying to make up for it, buying you luxury bags and designer goods at your request as if that would heal the heartbreak and embarrassment that you were experiencing. it was a pathetic display of forgiveness and it hurt how litle effort he put in trying to salvage this marriage.

couples therapy was a miss, the both of you being ego driven and stubborn meant that it was like pulling teeth to get any of you to try and take some accountability for the roles each of you played in this marriage.

you weren't delusional, you knew that you weren't perfect and that your marriage with patrick shared the same fate. however in comparison to his infidelity, your supposed issues with control and jealousy seemed minor in the grand scheme of things.

with all avenues exhausted, you decided to push for a divorce much to patrick's dismay. his refusal to sign the papers pissed you off.

why did he have to make everything so difficult?

you thought that some distance would do the trick. so for the past month you've been staying at a fancy hotel in the midst of packing up your whole life to move back to the west coast where your life has always been.

as you were preparing to wind down for the evening, you heard a knock on the door. you quickly shrugged on your robe and your slippers and opened the door to find him of all people standing there.

his eyes looking somewhat ashamed and embarrassed and for the first time the mighty indomitable patrick zweig, looks as small as ever.

“why are you here?” you ask him the million dollar question, the one he cannot answer.

you dont even know why you step aside to let him in. maybe it's the newfound loneliness that makes it harder to maintain that degree of impassiveness towards him. with patrick standing before you in your hotel room you're forced to acknowledge his presence.

he hands you a bottle of wine with an intention to share it between you both and you oblige. he pulls out two glasses for you both as he pours the wine into your glass first and then into his. you watch how his freckled hand smoothly pours the wine into the glass without any spillage.

you dont even know why you listen to him talk, as if you'd get something reasonable from him but you know he's full of bullshit. when you ask why? with a lump forming in your throat. he stands there aimless, the words falling dry on his tongue. looking at you as if the answers written on your forehead.

yet it isn't enough to fully squash your want for him. so when he does lean in to kiss you, you let him. the kiss is short but weighted, his apology being interwoven into every kiss. the several glasses of wine in your systems has you both feeling some type of way.

“should we even be doing this?” his voice seems worlds away when it’s buried in the crook of your neck. his hands roam around your waist in a tentative manner, unsure whether he's doing the right thing but when you place his hands firmly on your waist, he feels his heart race.

“i won’t say anything if you don’t.” the go ahead you’ve given him turns him into a madman, with clothes being haphazardly strewn across the hotel room. he can't get enough of you. his hands wanting to leave a mark on every single part of your body making you groan in pleasure.

patrick fucks like a man starved.

your legs rest on his shoulders as he buries his face into your wet cunt, lapping up the juices with his tongue. the lewd slurping and sucking sounds as well as the way his nose bumps against your clit has you grinding into his face. god he missed this, missed you.

“patrick im so close…” you mewl as you grip onto his messy curls. he ignores your warning continuing to devour your pussy without a care in the world. your vision swims and your toes curl as you’re on the brink of coming undone. patrick knows this and like the asshole he is he will not stop until you're a whining mess.

he lets out a low groan becoming drunk on your pussy, his eyes half lidded and filled with lust. “missed your pretty pussy, fake ones didn’t hit the same.” he murmured. eating you out was his favourite past time if he could say so himself. patrick ignores your pleas, making direct eye contact with you as he spits onto your cunt smearing it all across your puffy folds.

“fuck... patrick!” you cry out as your vision goes white and your body goes limp. he comes up a few seconds later, his lips coated in your slick as he pulls you into a sloppy kiss where you can faintly taste yourself on his tongue. his teeth lightly grazing your lower lip makes you pause for a second when you realise the bastard was fucking smiling.

“what's so funny?" you cock a brow at him and he laughs again even harder this time, before dismissing your concern with a wave of his hand. "can’t a man enjoy his last fuck with his soon to be ex-wife?” he grins like the arrogant fuck he is, the vitriol that threatens to leave your mouth is quickly silenced with a gasp as patrick swiftly enters you.

you both still for a moment, as you try to accommodate each other. it’s been a long time since you’ve slept with someone let alone your husband. you hopelessly grip onto his bicep, your manicured nails leaving red crescent shaped marks on his skin.

finally patrick starts to move, his strokes slow and languid as if he’s trying to savour every moment of this moment with you. he drinks up all the moans and expletives that carelessly leaves your lips as he picks up the pace, slamming into you with a desperate fervour.

the way patrick’s dick kept hitting your g spot was enough for you to start seeing stars, the obscene squelching sounds from your pussy was enough to drive him insane. “baby, please m’gonna—” you whined, feeling your body tense up as you desperately clawed his back.

he was fucking you stupid but you couldn’t complain, he knew your body like back of his hand our mind foggy as all you could focus on was him thrusting in and out of you.

if patrick was able photograph this moment, he would. your fucked out expression, the way your tits bounced with each thrust, the anklet he bought you that was adorned in diamonds sitting pretty on his shoulder. however he knew that this wasn’t something to be commemorated, this was a goodbye.

his hands squeezed your pretty tits, circling your spit covered nipples until they were hardened peaks. “you’re gonna what? i can’t help you if you don’t use your words doll.” he rasped against your ear, biting back the urge to moan after feeling your pussy fluttering around him.

he knew that he was being a bit mean by playing dumb but he didn’t want this to end, so if he had to prolong your orgasm then that was it.

your back arched slightly at the stimulation you were experiencing, making you heady with pleasure. “i-i’m gonna cum patrick.” you admitted, voice strained and tears brimming your eyes as you were soon approaching your climax. “see, now i can help with that.” his hands snake down to your clit rubbing it in circles, only speeding up your orgasm.

your body convulsed as you came all over patrick’s dick, legs still trembling from the after effects of your orgasm. patrick’s release followed shortly after, slumping down beside you with a huff. the two of you stayed like that for a while, your breathing being the only sounds filling the room.

eventually sleep claims you both, his arms snug around your waist providing you more comfort than you anticipated. by the time you wake up its midday and the sunlight is streaming through the curtains.

you get a start on your day, ignoring the way your muscles ache with each turn and the litter of hickeys decorating your neck that are still visible no matter how many times you part your hair in different directions.

days later, patrick finally signs the divorce papers you’ve sent him in the mail. you’re too busy staring at the words on the paper to notice your wedding ring that has rolled out of the envelope.

you hold the ring that now more feels weighted than before, it holds an air of finality toward it that leaves you with a bittersweet feeling, that it was now all finally over.

[smoshpostiing]

this is a general question- i’d be v interested to hear other people’s thoughts too: what do you think boundaries should be between shippers and a shipped couple? like what kind of speculation is okay, should proofs be posted/discussed, and what do you think our role as fans & shippers is? how do we support a couple that might want to keep their relationship out of the public sphere? love your blog <3

hey this is an awesome question and im sorry its taken me so long to post a response!!

i think above all, fans and shippers should focus on trying to respect what the couple themselves have set as boundaries

as far as i am concerned, i think the only shipping content/"proofs" posted and discussed should be things that are deliberately made for the public (so only things posted by s+c on their socials, or moments in smosh videos) because anything else does not have guaranteed direct confirmation that either of them actively wanted it put out on the internet

i think another important boundary is not bothering them about it (sending messages, tagging them in posts, asking them directly if you see them irl) because i think it adds more pressure to their interactions and can lead them to not feel comfortable with their fans/in the public eye which can be unimaginably difficult for people whose career is as an internet personality.

ultimately i think our role as fans/shippers is to show them that we respect their boundaries and privacy, and wont push their limits at all so that they can continue to feel comfortable and safe in their own lives without concern about fans taking it too far (which i know has happened in the past)

to support a couple who wants to keep their relationship directly out of the public eye, i think that as fans we can discuss their dynamics within the content they are comfortable sharing with us, and keep that discussion within the fan/shipper community online. if they want to seek it out they will find it, but us going to them bothering them about their relationship or trying to find "proofs" in content that breaches their privacy and boundaries is only going to cause harm and distrust within the community

if ever s+c decide that they want to publicise their relationship, i can only hope they will receive purely positive response from the public, however it would be a big step to take and not wanting to do so is also understandable.

by not pressuring them and by respecting their boundaries, maybe one day they will confirm the relationship, but if they dont, as fans it is our job to respect that at the end of the day they are ordinary people with a right to privacy and respect.

thank u so much for asking this! i think it's a really important conversation to have, particularly in this community where people can be very haphazardous when it comes to their boundaries. <33

[sout999]

dear tumblr ,,⋋(•◇•)⋌,,

thank you so much for all the support on my top surgery fundraiser, whether it's donating, reblogging or just staying patient with while i boost the link multiple times. which i am going to keep doing! it's no understatement that this is the single biggest positive thing that's happening in my life, and the time i need your help most. so i'm making my voice heard as much as i possibly can to spread the word, and i appreciate all your help with it. it makes me feel loved as a person and not as a bunch of posts on a dashboard, i've been getting pretty isolated because of mental health stuff so even the small connection we have from your act of goodwill is really meaningful to me

i've been ok, mostly putting in work on my masters degree, although some of the 'work' included having a massive breakdown from months of burnout, and i'm currently in the middle of trying to get an extension and rework a large part of my project. mostly this is due to the subject matter of my work having had a lot of loaded cultural and personal themes, which, when being forced to think about nonstop for two years, while also moving in with the family member who is the source of a large part of all the trauma of it, was just too much. taking a stance to axe the project in its current form was hard and made me feel like a quitter but now i feel relief and realize it was an act of self love as well

so i'm trying to recover from that and see a way forward to a project i would like doing, but it's hard when your circumstances have left you this depressed. i'm also trying to become more mindful of the way i use social media because when i'm anxious i fall very easily into the numbness sink of scrolling social media just to avoid thinking... i've stared a daily list of Ten Things That Happened That Day That Didn't Happen On The Internet, although i never get to ten, and i dont think even pre-internet leon would have gotten to ten, but it's good to aim high and take notice even of the little things. maybe to some people this comes naturally but i have to be very deliberate about it. i think this article sums up how im starting to feel about the internet rn

i've cut most personal spending down as much as possible to save up to my top surgery, so i have to find fun things to do that don't cost money. i'm trying to sew because my partner knows a lot about it and can teach me (i'm currently trying to engineer the perfect underwear, weird hobby but it's actually an amazing dysphoria-buster because most store bought underwear that fits my ass is so feminine, to be able to make a piece of something so intimate be so personal is, omg, an act, of, omg, self love). i've also sold off some things to help save for my top surgery and doctor visits, i'm trying to not get rid of anything i will really miss but it's also an enjoyable feeling to imagine the item disappearing as it becoming a permanent part of my history and of my sexy flat boy body (~o_o)~

if i end up having some free time outside of my masters degree, my current dream project is making pixel assets. i think with all the cases of my art getting stolen and used without permission it would actually be really cool to put something together specifically for public use. i miss kaoani and flower banners and stuff. i dont know if i can ever make something so saccharinely cute and tidy but if anything it's a nice space to visit

did you miss me coming to tumblr to make long winded posts about nothing? hopefully when twitter falls we will all be on here reading each others paragraphs, hopefully i'll have more going on in my life and can write even longer ones. here is a nice drawing, and a link to the fundraiser once again :)

https://gofund.me/958124b6

[dudeslut]

Fuck i didnt expect you to actually do it. You really are a needy slut, huh? Typing all that out for some stranger on the internet. Readily getting off on the idea of some rando getting off to you. Im touching myself while i read your posts.

If i could id make sure you were always filled. Make you go about your day with a plug in your ass. Id try to put a dildo in you but i bet youd get so wet, itd slip right out. Probably for the best, if you went out in public all filled up like that id bet youd run to the bathroom to get off, rub your stupid little dick and cum right there in public. Bet youd be all oversensitive and twitchy after, everyone would know youre my little bitch. I only got some free time just now, thats why this took a bit. Came thinking about you insulting yourself. Its fuckin sad. You dont get the details of how i got off, all you get to know is that i did while thinking of you. You oughta thank me for that.

Next time, edge at least five times. Try to go for more, make me proud, yeah? See if you can cum without touching your tiny little prick. Maybe next time you get off, make a poll asking if youre allowed to touch your dick or just your holes. Beg as hard as you can, see if your followers think you deserve it. I know ill be voting for no. Have a nice evening, darlin. I liked touching myself thinking of you

The idea was too hot to resist; I'm glad you enjoyed the show! It drove me crazy and I came so quickly thinking about how I was doing all this to be nothing more than jerk off material for you. It made me super horny all over again as I typed it out, reliving it. Give me instructions and I just can't help but obey like a good little whore! Oh you have no idea just how much of a needy slut I am. I would ask for more jerk off instructions so you could find out just how needy and slutty I am, but it seems you've already provided 😉

God, I'd loved to be filled to the brim with your cum and plugged all day for you 🤤 But you're right, I wouldn't last long before my needy little cock would take over. My horny brain too weak to deny my dick what it wants. I'd have no choice but to give in and rush to find somewhere like a bathroom to touch myself. If the space was big enough, I'd strip off my pants and boxers and spread my legs wide for full access to my dick and holes. Jerk myself off while I play with the plug in my ass 😵‍💫 If the space were too small, well I'd just have to come in my pants. Either way, my oversensitivity, fucked-out expression, and twitch in my step would communicate loud and clear that I just fucked myself stupid. 🥵 Thank you for letting me know you got off to me moaning and degrading myself like a whore. It felt so good imagining it was you insulting me like that and now it feels even better knowing you know all the details of how I came.

Next time I will edge more! I will focus on denying so I can teach myself discipline to make you proud. Aw I don't think I could cum if I don't touch my little dick! But if you and my other followers say I'm only allowed to play with my holes then I'll have to be a good slut and obey. I'll be so desperate to teach myself to cum from just getting fucked because the constant denial would be too much. Fuck I have so many ideas 🤤 I'll keep you all updated as long as you keep telling me you got off to my slutty behavior and keep sending asks like this 😘

[spidermanifested]

this is not my usual type of post but ive been rotating some thoughts and i guess my blogs as good a place as any to get them organized. okay so this is basically my take on the entire discourse surrounding the "feminine (presumed cis lets be honest) women are uniquely oppressed for being feminine/making female characters quote unquote Less Feminine is antifeminist" thing. which i keep seeing come up. on this internet of ours

context being im a trans guy. grew up largely seen by others as female, probably, sort of. was about as far from a cishet womans feminine as you can imagine. not in a cool tomboy way. not in a way that society had a box for. and thats the thing, is that when you fail at gender, whether youre conscious of it or not, theres this extremely profound loneliness that comes with it. part of it was the autism but i made like 6 real-life friends total from ages 4 to 18 and there were no examples of anyone with an even remotely adjacent experience i could find in the media or irl. anytime a female character skirted a little too close to actual masculinity in a tv show or movie shed get that makeover eventually. i was bullied by both boys and girls but the girls who bullied me were uniformly very feminine.

and so i see people talking about how hard feminine women and girls have it, how the world hates them for being beautiful, and on the one hand its like okay, Misogyny Exists. thats not really refutable thats just the reality of it. society hates women. and as for eurocentric femininity specifically i understand its a hard tightrope to walk!!! you have to put on all these masks BUT make them seem natural, youre forced into these narrow boxes of acceptable behavior and appearance and desires, and if you under- or over-shoot then people get reminded the whole thing is a farce and get mad (often violently!) at YOU for it

........but then my thing is, that on one side of the tightrope, the "overperforming eurocentric femininity" side, the tradwife or girlboss or blonde bimbo side, theres an entire history of structural trope-crafting to break your fall, right. like its a shitty box but its the box society WANTS you to be in. they look at you and go "yep thats a woman. we dont like those but that sure is one". there are known social niches to carve out. theres a script.

on the unfeminine side theres just. nothing. its stone cold concrete down there. and apparently twitter would have you believe its actually that the "more masculine" somebody presumed female appears the more society respects them but that to me is the wildest and most nonsense take on the planet because if people see you as a woman or girl who has not taken the needed steps to justify your place as one of those things you might as well be an alien, or even a monster. theres no script at all. and i feel like this is one of the major experiences that trans and gnc people of every gender share-- god knows trans women get the brunt of the vitriol-- and from my knowledge a lot of nonwhite people too, and also fat and disabled people, like. there are SO many things that affect your ability to achieve even a fraction of success at this aspirational femininity.

ive had to see people for real make the argument that princess peach making an angry face is masculine. i think the most masculine woman anyone on twitter can imagine right now is like a businesswoman in a form-fitting pantsuit and light mascara. maybe the struggle of succeeding at femininity under patriarchy deserves exploration, ive seen plenty of coherent and reasonable points, its not without worth as a discussion. but i do not trust the general public with the topic without immediately sliding into bog standard gender policing and transphobia, and so in closing, when the mainstream feminist take on the whole thing seems to be "the more you perform the femininity expected of you the worse you have it", i get the sensation that nobody told me it was opposite day and im about to feel real silly

[skinnytuna]

I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'

I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.

(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)

we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.

i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.

we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.

there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.

but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.

but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it

[terraliensvent]

I’m not defending the anon you’re all dogpiling, but it is an extremely chronically online take to say that 19 and 16 is a “weird” age gap for serious conversations. The trauma dumping should not have happened, and it is the older person’s responsibility to cope with their issues themselves… But sometimes we blurt things out when we’re not in a healthy state of mind. I’m sure a lot of us can say that we’ve unintentionally trauma dumped on someone before when they come to us and ask “hey are you doing okay? do you wanna talk about it?” and we just let the floodgates open.

Maybe I’m just being too sympathetic as someone who’s been in a dark place and has spewed my trauma on friends who try to comfort me. But I guess the difference is that gin needs to acknowledge that they can’t just continuously vent their life issues on some stranger on the internet. Having a support group is good, but you never know when someone you think is your friend will screenshot all your DMs with them and then post them online, right? lol

In all seriousness, I genuinely hope that gin wakes up one day and realizes that they NEED to just take a step back from social media and work out their problems offline. This is not healthy and they seem to just be prone to drama. I think both sides of this argument have their good and bad takes. The 16 y.o probably shouldn’t have publicized this in a whole document, and gin obviously should not have dumped their life problems onto them.

post related

thats why i said IN MY OPINION, it is weird. it is their responsibility to check who theyre talking to, and if it were hypothetically a more egregious gap, like for example 23 and 16, it would still be weird to me for them to use the younger person as a crutch. im not even saying you cant do small vents to your minor friends, this post put it pretty well and its one thing to say "yeah im just having a tough time right now," vs "hey are you ok?" "yeah i just stopped taking my meds and im coping with alcoholism," its also an issue to me that veal seemingly had to manage civ to the point of making sure they go to class and do their morning routine, and when veal was offline for an hour civ spammed them.

having a bad mental state can be an explanation for clouded judgement, but i think its still the responsibility of the older person to make sure theyre staying in line (and if they dont, to properly acknowledge the behavior was wrong, NOT defend it and act like it wasnt a big deal)

theres also the discrepancy that, to my knowledge, civ and veal barely knew each other. the doc says they only met around the terra revolution in April, which means they'd only have been online friends for around 5 months at that point. being online friends with someone is a LOT different than being irls, and it is a lot to dump on someone out of the blue, especially someone who's only in high school.

i do agree though, civ severely needs to get offline, seek professional help, and build a support system irl. the way these issues just pop up continually shows a trend that maybe being so online isnt good for them

[cogbreath]

what is your opinion on pro ship discourse? I know it is a tough or awkward subject, you do not have to answer this

im not proship myself but at the same time it seems completely unrealistic and infeasible to try to put a stop to it, people r gonna write and create stuff like that no matter what, and i genuinely do believe that some of it is done for shock value/attention , and giving it a response or acknowledgment is what they want. basically i take a sort of "dont feed the trolls" mentality about it. i dont want to see it but i also dont want to let it get to me. the internet is a place where theres some truly heinous and nasty shit out there and i feel like you'll destroy yourself mentally if you make it a major thing to worry about.

i do kinda live online but the fsct is that for the most part (outside of some things ive heard abt happening at like fan conventions) that it can be avoided by logging off. so becsuse of that as well i dont find it exactly an issue thats worth prioritising the way some ppl who r against pro-ship stuff are.

way more important things to spend your life worrying over.

what i find very annoying is the whole "dont like dont read" defense, and its really pathetic and stupid the way proshippers act like their writings are immune from criticism, or that any criticism that is against the subject matter in their writings is invalid, and they cry "harassment" too often.

frankly you shouldnt be surprised also that ppl will tell you to kill yourself and think thst youre disgusting if youre writing that kind of stuff, and i cant feel sorry for you if you dont have the backbone to take it. if its a problem then stop writing that stuff lol. if u have the guts to do it you should have the guts to handle the hate.

also the way some of them literally compare criticism to actual book burnings and police violence??? which is racist and ludicrous.

a lot of them also looveeee to use lolita as a gotcha but the truth is their writings are nothing like nabokovs in terms of quality and worth, and they dont seem to realise he wrote that as a critique of the normalisation and glamourisation of pedophilia.

out of morbid curiosity i once read a fanfic that touted itself as being inspired by such. i wanted to see what that author thinks being inspired by nabokov's work means, and not big surprise, it was masturbatory slop.

sure its possible that you can write fanfic that involves dubious subjects like that and do it well, but its rare.

irt to people who say they write it to cope, i have my doubts on that as well unless its a story where its clear that characters involved will grow and heal, or its very clear its written as a cautionary tale or something to that effect. maybe some ppl out there legit do cope with writing something that i find to just be nasty masturbatory slop, i dont know, but i dont know if thsts actually a healthy coping mechanism.

many ppl say that if you want to do that you should make it all original, but i think we are past that point, and fanfic is a medium that a lot of ppl use to express and cope about things. I've done it myself (albeit unpublished) and i find that argument to mostly be based in that they feel its cringe bc its fanfic rather than anything to do with genuine criticism.

ive also noticed the emergence of new terms like "comship" ? i kind of forget whst this means i think its like being neutral on it? i find it a bit shitty that ppl consider neutrality on it to be a bad thing? i csnt blame someone for not giving a shit about it. i think its lame to expect everyone whos involved with fandom to pick a camp to sit in, especially when the subject matter is often triggering. someones neutrality could be bc they dont want to think about it too much for that reason.

and as far as it goes though for RPF? i think it's really not THAT bad of a thing. especially bc in all honesty its moreso about that persons public persona. & just because its parasocial doesnt mean its wrong to do, thats simply a descriptor of the dynamic between fanbases & public figures. there is some absolutely NASTY and questionable stuff out there especially like for kpop bands 😭

that being said public figures do have the right to be uncomfortable about it either way and i do find it unfortunate and disrespectful that fans arent willing to listen to them when/if they say they dont like having it written about them. ABSOLUTELY shouldnt write it about irl minors though regardless.

oh and also like if ur writing it about like. ur coworker or someone u kno personally thats kinda really creepy . but its also not wrong to fantasise about people thought crimes arent real. just. dont publish it or show them that

anyway feel free to disagree with anything i have an open mind abt this most of its based off personal inference i havent rlly ever discussed it much ^_^

[blubushie]

you have so many stories man why dont you write a book? sometimes i have a hard time believing your stuff cause i think if it was true youd be famous by now

My stories are true. As for fame, well, iunno. The only people that know half as much as Tumblr is my brother, and he's not running to tell anyone. And the most pivotal stories are the ones I keep to myself.

Honestly I'm not keen on writing a book simply because I want to be left alone. Rod Ansell became famous and it did nothing but get in his way. I don't want to be famous. I wanna be left to do as I please, without worrying about interviews or appearances or being in the public eye. I don't want money from being a published author, I don't want constant requests for interviews, I'm perfectly fine with keeping any "fans" I have on Tumblr and not having it intrude into my daily life outside of that. When needed I can get away from Tumblr and continue on with my normal life. I can turn off notifications and go about my daily life and if it's ever necessary, I can delete my Tumblr account and completely wipe my existence off the face off the internet to the best of my ability.

All this is to say that I engage at my leisure. That stops being an option once I'm introduced to the larger masses. I need my me-time. I need time away from people to decompress without being hounded. I can't do that if I'm famous and my face is everywhere, even if I'm just locally famous.

On top of that, there's nothing I can put in a book that gives people the full scope of my life without also getting me into some deep shit. Maybe on my deathbed I'll write down the story of my life and have it published posthumously.

But right now? I'm perfectly fine where I am and I don't want to be any more in the public eye than I am already.

[shuquoteunquote]

Shu on internet safety, assumptions, goals and more!

🔗: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-neemAni9Y

3:07:36

(context: Shu talks about means of communication with other livers)

👟: you know we have other means of communication apart from public Twitter

you never know what goes on behind the scenes

💬: damn ok, secrets

👟: obviously there are stuff we can't talk (about)

but like apart from that, sometimes we see Twitter and chat and be like "oh lmao they're so wrong"

there's nothing bad about it

💬: monka

👟: (laughs) it's interesting to see the guesses though!

💬: what do you do when they're so right

👟: I'll just be like, oh they're right

💬: you're looking through the replies?

👟: well, once in a while you see me reply to those, right? Or like quote retweet them?

I don't, like, ignore it

and sometimes it just pops up in my For you page

(laughs) why are you monka-ing? It's a public platform, I'll see it sometimes.

💬: Yeah, but all the replies?

👟: What do you mean, why does it matter tho?

Like at that moment, there's a chance that I see your reply regardless.

But that percentage is like, it depends but like

If anything, you shouldn't be worried if I perceive you, but what the others perceive you.

IMO, on the internet. This is just general internet safety.

3:10:30

👟: I think you shouldn't assume.

If you're public, it's like the same thing as like putting a billboard up of your tweet. And everyone drives by.

💬: thank god I don't use Twitter then lmao

👟: I mean, chat too. Sometimes some people post stuff and I'm just like "oop, not reading that!" (laughs)

But yeah in general,

if you post stuff that's like, against the rules, you could pretty much guarantee that I'm not gonna read it. Out loud, or react to it.

…

yeah, there's a reason why I don't use TTS

💬: pls dont do this to us

👟: well, it's just general internet safety

if anything, I'm making sure y'all are aware, yknow?

(Shu explains what TTS is, which is mainly used by Twitch streamers)

3:12:38

💬: you make us afraid of the internet

👟: Well, it shouldn't be like 'afraid'

its just that, make sure you're safe, yknow

(Shu talks about how some smart devices for homes can be a way for other people to hack into their system)

3:13:43

👟: If I'm being kinda honest, there's other things that are probably more security-flawed with your security that you should be more concerned about

Just saying.

(Shu goes on to talk about passwords)

3:30:46

(context: Chat asked whether Shu has any goals he wants to accomplish by the end of the year)

💬: do your debut goals first maybe?

👟: you know, the thing about that is

when you debut, right? You put goals of things that you want to do. And it's cool to be able to do some of those goals

But also it's sort of sometimes out of your control if you could do some of these goals, yknow?

👟: And I only really had goals on there because I think everybody else had goals.

You know sometimes when you have a goal,

like let's say you're about to bungee jump and then you stand on the bungee jumping board and then you think its a bad idea and then you just dont do it?

Or like, you change your goal from bungee jumping to skydiving instead because you think that's cooler?

I mean, I can't get into details obviously

But I think the goals, sometimes, it's good to have them just so they're like, there

But things change, people change, and all that stuff.

💬: but have you tried hard enough?

👟: That's the thing

People think that some people are lazy when things are just out of their control sometimes

and people get criticized that they're not doing enough work when they don't understand the full picture

Just something to think about.

💬: who, imma slap them

👟: Well, no it's not like a bad entity if anything

it's just the fact that

wherever you go, right? You expect some things come unexpected and that's just life.

But then, unless you really know what's going on, all you could do is assume.

And then, some people tend to assume

that they're not doing enough work, they're not trying hard enough, they're not diligent enough

and they're lazy, yknow?

And sometimes it's not even they're fault that things happen or they're not able to do some things.

3:35:19

👟: I heard this from a YT short recently actually,

"Laziness is just a really bad word to disregard everything that a person is going through. There's no such thing as true laziness unless you fully understand the person's circumstance."

💬: Too real

👟: Yea, it is real

That's what I'm saying

But it would be cool to do some things yknow?

Some things I wanna do

There's a lot of opportunities too

It's just (that) some stuff are more plausible than others.

Some stuff, its like I'm more willing to do given the circumstances than others

👟: Or my priorities changed, what I want to do changes, yknow?

My initial goals for doing such things is not always the thing that you want to do, continue doing later down the line, yknow?

All that stuff

Kinda deep (laughs)

And that was sort of why

the other time I was talking about like

what you expect from a streamer when they first start off

and then how they realize what they initially wanted to do isn't really truly the thing that they enjoy

and they change their streaming style later

but then, to the general public, there's a lot of people who assume that a certain streamer does these kind of things

and then they don't do it anymore

then people are like, "no, why aren't you doing this anymore?"

All that stuff

And then people assume. Like I said earlier, people assume these days. And they're so wrong and it's like "lmao you're wrong"

(laughs) people say stuff.

Some people are more vocal about the stuff they do behind the scenes

Others are less vocal, others prefer to speak, complain.

All that kind of stuff

But yknow, it's the internet.

And to be safe on the internet, I do want to let you all know

Stuff we post, stuff anyone posts, stuff you post- take it with a grain of salt.

(proceeds to talk about Luca's bubble butt, then Doppio's viewers drop in ww)