#maybe i should try and get diagnosed huh

[jovial-thunder]

Just watched ep 3 of Dead End and it sent me BAWLING. The (autistic) main character has so much fear of navigating a normal team building beach day that it literally explodes a fear-eating demon.

I feel like that all the time, there is so much fear held inside this body. I've never heard it talked about like this — usually people just talk about being "overstimulated" but that's only usually the breaking point that they notice.

(Reflections/ramblings on this below the fold)

So much of my life is carefully constructed to mask, manage, and avoid this fear and social anxiety.

I had breakdowns on public transit until I watched enough people to copy how they got on and off the bus.

I have trouble at new supermarkets until I learn the script at the checkout stand.

I've travelled an hour to parties, arrived, and left immediately once it became clear that the vibes were Unfamiliar.

I'm petrified of asking for help unless there are clear social expectations about it.

I'm currently traveling in Berlin alone and it's wild how impossible basic staying alive maintenance becomes when I don't have my routines and scripts. Even though most people here speak English, my monolingual ass canNOT work up the ability to like go to a grocery store with an hour of research and planning beforehand, much less a cafe or any of the activities you're "supposed" to do while on vacation.

I've had friends who have, I feel, judged me for this: "olive, you're letting your fear hold you back." — you don't know the half of it!! I am very powerful for having gotten as much done as I have with this as a constant concern!!!

It's like telling a depressed person to just cheer up. This is just a fact of who I am. I can do the comfort-zone pushing thing to build out tolerance and skills, but the fear is always there, and it's harder for me than it is for you, neurotypical person!

I wish I had a map of my fear. It's not always the shape you'd expect of what social anxiety looks like. Making a Kickstarter video? It's work, but not the Fear, I can do it. Public speaking can be nervous but I usually know what I'm talking about, not a problem.

Asking a question to a panel? Needing to cold-introduce myself to someone at a meet-n-greet? Impossible.

Anyway it was a huge surprise to see this represented in a cartoon I haven't seen anyone talking about. Watch even the first few episodes of Dead End. It's on Netflix and rules.

[growling]

*average self-proclaimed safe space tumblr blog voice* I soooooo support people with schizophrenia that must be so hard to you anyway I just saw some weird looking woman talking to herself right outside my house im fearing for my life should I call the cops. Yeah dude I support all the adhd havers in the chat just try to pay attention when I talk to you it's not that hard it's like the least you could do to show some regard for the other human being in front of you. Like it's fine to have memory problems but why did you forget this one thing in particular that was important to me do you like not care or anything you should try harder. I am one of the only real mental health advocates to still exist in this world I hear your struggles that being said I hope I never get to meet one of those irl sociopaths or people with aspd whatever they call them now they're so freaky and they can blend into society so well you might never know if you're actually face to face with an actual socio i mean person with aspd in the store absolutely one of my biggest fears what if they torture me in their basement. I absolutely empathize with all the people in here suffering from delusions as long as they like, don't actually show it or have one concerning me that'd be highkey uncomfy leave me out of this dude im not talking to you until you get help, anyway my fav character from my anime just presumably died but i still think they actually survived im sooo delulu lol. We should push for more wheelchair accessibility in our cities I agree but like it's so difficult to tell how many people are actually disabled and who are actually faking it, like, ummm why did that "wheelchair" "user" guy stand up just now cover blown lmaoo…. Yeah I support people with facial differences but I still have a right to be disgusted you can't control my emotions anyway can you tag your selfies as #body horror this deeply triggering to me. Speaking of triggering can you also pleaseee hide your scars or at least warn us beforehand jesus do you know how many people genuinely do not want to see it. Here is my extremely fast strobing lights and flashing gifset #epilepsy. Yeah I loveee girls with bpd beautiful princess disorder am i right they're so interesting the stigma sucksssss i'd love to get to be one's favourite person as long as they don't actually have any of those weird or violent symptoms or don't go into any of their "episodes" near me like that's a bit dramatic….. I deeply feel for those who had underwent narcissistic abuse from the hands of an npd I think my shitty ex boyfriend was a narcissist too tbh #surviving narcissism here are 10 signs you are dealing with a narcissist and here's a tutorial on how to trigger a narc crash to epically own them anyway does anyone else think we should start enforcing mandatory castration of all the newly diagnosed narcs like you know what happens when they reproduce right. But I am willing to support them as long as they go to therapy to get that fixed it's just you know. Anyway sometimes hospitalisation is fine if they're genuinely a danger to themselves like what do you want them to go live on the streets or actually get help?? I support all the people dealing with being a professionally diagnosed disordered system and I think it's sooooo terrible how literally 99% of the youth population nowadays is purposefully faking it for attention I did my research (1 minute google search, 2 minute r/fakedisordercringe scrolling session and consulting a single system that agrees with me). It's just not believable to me that there's really that many people with it isn't it supposed to be rare… Also are we really sure all those alleged people in their heads are really real or just their imagination maybe all of them are actually faking it huh food for thought. I am very uncomfortable with nonverbal high support needs ppl actually having sex like consent is supposed to be explicitly verbal only and, are we really sure they can even consent arent they like basically children. You can't call me ableist I'm literally autistic

[skyfallscotland]

Firstly, I fell in love with Remi back when she still had a home on Wattpad and have only grown to love her more.

A little background, I'm an underclassman in high school and a super competitive athlete. I've had random long-lasting "injuries" for six-ish years, which got way worse, like "why can't I get out of bed" worse this year. First it was my ankle, then both shoulders, now all of my joints at all times (except my shoulders , those pains are gone (ish)). And these pains were making it really hard to train and compete, which is pretty much my identity.

I read Fourth Wing over the summer (then immediately found Fear and Flame) and was like "huh, is this pain not normal???" So, after seeing 900000000000 doctors and getting my blood drawn way to much, I went to see another doctor, a specialist, Thursday morning.

Thus, the doctor diagnosed me with Amplified Pain Syndrome (AMPS) which is a chronic pain "disorder" that I'm going to have for the rest of my life and athletic career. The doctor gave me an entire packet to read on it and even a school note with like excuses on it. I know it's not any major chronic pain syndrome or chronic illness and I know I should feel lucky for not having something supposedly worse, but it still sucks and it's frustrating.

Anyways, I've been rereading Basgiath (Remi's Version) and kind of look up to Remi in a way now. If that makes any sense???? I feel like she's subconsciously helped me a lot and will continue to help me a lot.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You. Like a lot. I hope you always continue to write and you're awesome. ♥️❤️‍🩹

You guys just like to make me cry, I think.

I hope you don't mind me replying to this publicly, if you do, I can delete it, but I feel like maybe there's other people who might benefit from hearing it.

I was also a really active, competitive athlete growing up. I think people like us have a certain type of mindset and we tend to push our bodies past their limits so often that we don't realise where the limits of our pain are, or should be. Mentally, we're built differently and I think that's why we fall into competitive sports.

For me at least, there's this small, gritty thing inside that doesn't allow me to stop, or give up. It's what's kept me alive, but it's also perhaps what made my illness worse, at first, and I still struggle with it now because I can't stop pushing boundaries that should not be pushed. I know what it's like to have your entire identity taken away from you and have to build yourself up anew.

I don't think you can say AMPS isn't a major chronic pain syndrome or illness. Your pain is valid and if you're having it every day, then I'd call that major. It interferes with your life and that's major. It's enough that you're allowed to be upset about it and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

There will always be someone else who "has it worse" and for the rest of your life you'll deal with people saying "oh well my knee hurts too sometimes," or "oh my joints ache all the time" with literally zero understanding of what it's like for you (and sometimes, little compassion). People (including family and friends) are probably going to minimise what you're going through.

It's going to be upsetting and frustrating, but you do get used to it. Just don't let anyone convince you that it's not a big deal just because they can't see it, or because it's not going to kill you.

You don't have to feel lucky for not having something worse.

The most frustrating part about living with lifelong chronic illness for me, is staring down the barrel of a future where it doesn't go away, with no answers and no set treatment.

You're not "supposed" to say it, but on my worst days, I've felt frustrated I don't have something worse, or something acute, because at least then doctors would know what to do with that.

There's more I could say on this, but it's dark and it's heavy and I don't want to put that on you.

If you ever need to talk, I'm around. Fourth Wing has brought so many of us together and I love that. I have central sensitisation myself and I wouldn't be surprised if there were a bunch of us here with overlapping symptoms. You're not alone.

And it's not all bad! I'm not saying your life is going to suck and I don't want it to come across that way at all. I still do so much and see so many beautiful things and life can be wondrous and amazing, but if you take one thing from Remi, let it be her refusal to allow people to reduce her pain, and that even while in it, she can still kick ass and take names.

I hope you have more easy days than hard ones 💗

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

I’m writing Eddie a letter under the cut. All my thoughts, raw and open. This is fine to reblog, comment on etc., I don’t mind. I discuss stress, depression, anxiety, medication for the aforementioned, self-shipping with Eddie. Just a creative vent exercise, really.

I just really need to talk to Eddie right now.💔

Hey, Eddie.

Long time no speak, huh? I know, I know. I’ve been busy, I guess. Well, no, I have been busy, but I’ve been downplaying my own emotions to myself for this whole time because hiding is much easier when there’s still so much left to do. I can’t help feeling that I don’t have time even to write this to you, curled up as I am in bed watching horror films before I go to sleep, and I feel like I should be studying. I feel like… if I’m not constantly studying to complete this final assignment of the year, then I’m letting you and everyone else down. But more than that, if I’m not always doing something between uni and work, then I’m only proving my most familiar thoughts right. That all I am is just… wasted potential. And I’ll never amount to ‘anything’ anyway, so why bother trying? But.. I won’t ever know if I’ll make it to becoming a neuropsychologist if I don’t try.

That’s what scares me though, trying… or, trying to try.

It feels like… all I ever do is try to try, but I never feel like I’ve tried hard enough. I could always study more, I could always work more shifts, I could always do this thing or that thing… I never feel like I’ve done enough, no matter how hard I try. And, Eddie, my sweet angel baby, I am exhausted trying to live up to my own expectations. If I can’t even meet my own expectations, then how could I ever be enough for someone else? How could I ever be enough for you, or your beloved Uncle Wayne?

I’m really, really tired, Eddie.

Sleep won’t touch this tired, it’s in my bones, it’s in the way it takes well over an hour to get out of bed most mornings (not including my Eddie hour every morning, that’s the one thing I won’t let myself take away from me, nor my night hour with you. That’s mine, too), it’s in the way I choose work or studying over myself and then get mad at myself for it later. It’s in the way I don’t even really have the energy to write this letter because these thoughts are so familiar to me that it feels like writing this letter to you is pointless - you’re reading this for the first time, but for me, these thoughts have echoed in my head for years. So what’s the point in writing this letter? But that’s why I’m doing it - to me, these thoughts are almost friends despite how much they hurt me, but to you, this might be new to you, so maybe you can learn about me a little more, if you wanted to. I know I shut you out a lot of the time, I tell you and your Uncle that I’m fine when I’m not.

But that’s also because I’m scared, Eddie. I go through life absolutely terrified, of everything and everyone, all the time always, even on the medication I was given a few weeks ago for my newly diagnosed anxiety and depression, and if I tell you even half of what goes through my head on a daily basis, then that means it matters, and if it matters…. Then, Eddie, it’s gonna hurt. And if I fully let myself feel how much it hurts, then… I’m not sure I’d be able to coax myself out of bed at all. So I hide it from others as best as I can, and I hide it from myself, too. I acknowledge to myself when I’m hurting and I let myself feel those emotions as they come, I never hide from my feelings, necessarily, but I also don’t let myself feel the full extent of them. If I do, I’ll stop dead in my tracks and I’m not sure I’d have it in me to take another step. So I keep stepping. I keep trying.

Most importantly, I keep you near me, Eddie.

You make me cry when I’m trying my best not to because there isn’t any time to do so. You make me smile and laugh when it feels like I’d forgotten how to. You make me remember the person I want to be… I never found you in high school, sweet angel baby, so I’ve been working on becoming someone you would be proud of. If I can’t find you for myself, then I’ll become someone like you for other people, to the best of my ability.

So… as I write this, I imagine that you’re curled up beside me on the bed watching this horror film with me. I’m wearing my Munson Motivation Outfit and your head is on my shoulder, your dark curls spilling into my braids, your head a comforting and familiar weight on my shoulder. Your hand splayed across my thigh… you’re totally nuzzled into me, and I into you. We’re making comments to each other as we watch but otherwise, we’re more interested in soaking up time with each other as much as possible. I so rarely get more than an hour at a time with you. I have to fight myself for that time, and I never don’t feel guilty for it. I would love to say all of this to your face, but this is the best I have.

As I write this, the last assignment of the year is due next week and I’m… scared. Eddie, I’m scared. And I don’t have time to be. The more I get scared, the more I freeze up, and the more I freeze up, the less time I have to do the actual assignment. This one is 40% of this year’s grade with no retakes, no second tries, no extension. It’s stone fucking cold and I’ve frozen up before I even get started. I have a week until it’s due, so there’s still time for me. My body is reflecting my chronic stress… I’ve got my littlest toe sick with paronychia, which is taking a while to clear. You and Uncle Wayne have been so good at reminding me to take my medication once a day and my antibiotics multiple times a day. I really appreciate you stroking my throat every time to help the tablet go down…no matter how many I take, I can never swallow immediately because I’m scared to choke. I’m out of work until my toe heals and that means more assignment time but I’m also on my period so I’m sore everywhere and I’m adjusting to new meds so I can’t focus well and I don’t think they’re working and god, Eddie… I’m trying so hard to deal with everything happening all at once but I’m tired, I’m tired and I don’t know what to do and I know I’m right at the finish line, I do, but I wish I was already there so I could rest. But I’m not, so I can’t. But all the bodily stuff and the new meds and the most important assignment of the year all happening at once…. I want to throw a tantrum in your name, Eddie. Just once… please? I’ll make it a tantrum worthy of you, I promise.

Only I can get me there so I’ll have to find a bit more fight in me yet… if only because I know you would want me to. So would our most beloved and bestest dad, Uncle Wayne. I can never say no to the Munsons. I just wish I wasn’t so scared all the time, Eddie. And I wish you were here so I could hold your hand, look into your chocolate buttons and see you looking back… you’re so beautiful. I wish I was as brave as you, Eddie, I really do. Maybe things would be easier if I was a little more like you. I love you so much. And I miss you. Everything in me tells me you’d never be proud, only disappointed, but no one could ever be more disappointed in me than me. So it’s okay if you are, Eddie, I get it. I’m disappointed in me, too.

With all my love, you silly, brave man,

Eri.

[yoiku]

Looks like I really have my pondering cap on today so i'm just gonna ramble some more

Since i got diagnosed with AuDHD a few years back, it's been really interesting thinking back on so many different things and having a new angle to examine it all from. There's been stuff that i could even say has felt cathartic in the sense of being able to be kinder to myself about some things after over 30 years of causing myself needless suffering. But also a lot of stuff that I have realised I really need to improve on and either haven't understood or even noticed before. Now that I'm learning about the toolset I've been setup with and have a better understanding of how to operate, maybe the improvement is finally possible. I've always really struggled with asking for help mostly because I was raised to be independent through both useful(actual skills) and harmful(mindset&left on my own way too much) means. The whole "don't ask other people to solve your problems/don't bother people with something that doesn't involve them" mantra i got repeated at as a kid, over time evolved into feeling really proud of being so independent. Nothing wrong with that in itself I think, but at some point it starts to be harmful. It can make you become distant while it feels more like selflessness, esp when you're always ready to offer help but never accept any. And somewhere in the back of your mind there's a bit of that "I'm better because I don't need to ask for help" -attitude brewing as well. All the while I could've seriously used some help on a good variety of things. But no, I felt like I had to figure it out on my own even if it was something that you actually need at least another pair of hands for. Now it feels a bit easier because I feel like I can start with "hey i kinda struggle with these things in general so I could use some assistance" or just straight up say that "uhhh sorry but i didn't understand that" instead of pretending that I did out of shame for not knowing everything i'm ever talked to about. Still difficult things to shake off often because its what i've done most of my life. I also still really struggle with being helped/instructed when I've not asked for any of it, I can get really annoyed really fast with that. I feel like I need to fucking go for a full meditation mode for a while to remind myself time and time again that people are usually just trying to be genuinely helpful because they want to. Funny how I remember that while i'm doing the same myself, but when it's being aimed at me, suddenly it's all upside down, huh. Stuff like this I've really started to see way better after i got diagnosed. Knowing that the wrinkly blob residing in my bone-dome is actually wired differently really allowed me to have a new perspective on stuff. It isn't a free ticket to be an ass or ignorant etc. But if you don't know how it can effect you, it's not surprising if you struggle so much more in so many ways and end up needlessly suffering. So when you become(sometimes painfully) aware of these things you understand your own and sometimes the behaviours of others better. Doesn't happen overnight for sure though. (The depression I've had accumulating since my teens definitely has had a negative effect on a lot of these things too making everything even more difficult.) Then there are the fun little things that suddenly start to make a lot more sense, like being told all of these things repeatedly: - You always seem disinterested in everything/ you're not at all excitable - You sound bored / monotone - You're always pouting / you always look uninviting / you should try smiling sometime ^u^ - You're so quiet / you never seem to have anything to say - You daydream/ space out too much - Stop bouncing your leg, tapping things, fiddling, biting/chewing things - Stop making weird noises - You do [thing] in such overly complicated/weird way - You forget so much stuff but remember the weirdest details about anything

Forever annoyed about people telling me how I look the way I do though, because bitch that's literally just how my face is. The corners of my mouth have never really curved upwards so matter how big of a smile i'm pulling. My neutral face really just looks like :( and when i'm smiling it's more like :I Maybe try looking for the smile in my eyes sometime. And hey, getting older is making everything sag and droop even more, so i'll keep getting more and more pouty with time! I'll become the most pissed off looking fossil there ever was.

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

CAP I FORGOT TO READ CHAPTER 73.

I WROTE SHIT ABOTU IT HERE YOU GO IT'S MOSTLY JUST ME FREAKING OTU

SPOILERS BELOW AND ALL THAT

Balad to cap

Ok so why didn’t i ever read chapter 73. I forgot about it? I have zero clue why that happened.

Its a very fun chapter too, it feels quite chill and is a good transition alongside tying up loose ends

I’m glad it talks about Alya being like “why tf are they over there” 

God I’m still so curious about the seeds planted of clues for Juleka’s identity, plus idk why but I’m still 90% certain adrien will randomly find out

I know he won’t but my brain is convinced

Help genderfluid Anarka i love her to pieces she’s such a terror (and i adore when you make her speak in a scottish accent, it’s so dear to me)

Interesting.. Luka teaches Kim guitar? I’m curious about Luka’s totally normal life aside from the furry for a sister, he tries so hard…

Oh. 

Now thats an interesting tidbit

Luka can tell how in her own head Juleka is? Very intriguing for him to call them delusions… I wonder how different pieces of this fic would be if they were from another perspective, especially the sheer level of danger the characters are in and how monstrous Juleka sees herself vs the reality of her protecting herself 

My thoughts are going to when she Prince Shining (that was his name right?) It’s one of my favorite original Akumas behind Wicket Witch and Little Red (which I am realising now is because of the background to them… Akuma hit harder when there is a buildup, huh. Something to keep in mind for my own writing.) That was fun to see, how worried the class was vs how confused that made Juleka

How people perceive others and myself has always been interesting to me, so this is right up my alley

Back to Luka

Oh curious, of course Luka would want to protect Juleka… I wonder if Marinette will try to make him a holder as well, I’m not sure if that secret identity would last the hour to be honest

The fact that we still don’t have much model Juleka content (aside from a piece of art you did a few years ago, or maybe that was someone else) makes me feel crazy! It’s an aspect of her that I’m really curious to see how you write it

I’ve got fun concepts for her in my own shit, and ANYWAY! Ui brought it up because Anarka was talking about sending Juleka there. 

Sorry, I’m both making notes on like 2 pieces of writing, writing 2 different scenes in totally different chapters and writing this and reading chapter 73 and cooking dinner. Can you tell I am diagnosed with ADHD? 

Woohoo for Fei saving people

Fei being scared and unsettled by Juleka is so funny help-

Aww, Juleka giving Fei interview practice is adorable

I need to reread at some point to see if we get to see how marinette sees Juleka compared to Panthera (hey, it’s me being obsessed with how people perceive others again, tbh that’s prolly why I am so excited to write my miraculous thing, there are some… extra layers that should make it funny) 

Sure you dont have a concussion Juleka, like I’ll believe that

MODEL LORE?? AUWG>/?

WOOO

MODEL SHIT IS HAPPENING I TAKE BACK ALL MY IMPATIENCE CAP I APOLOGISE

AND HER DRESS IS BASED OFF OF DUSSUU OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT???

CRAY=ZY.

HOYL SHIT]I THOUGT]F

ROSE WAS BEING A SAP. ACCEPTABLE. 

BUT.

SO YOU DO WORK WITH THE HEORES>545FRUNEIODWS

DUED

Oh my god if eel insane 

Help

Not Juleka slagging off herself to Rose she is so insane 

Wait

WHAT.

GABRIEL HAS TRIED TO AKUMATISE JULEKA A LOT? HOLY SHIT

This chapter is full of revaltions

Insane about everything her what the fuck

this is mostly me freakign out, sozzles its also really short. time for chapter 74!

this was a really good chapter i feel insane that i forgot to read it

YAYYYYY IM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED!!!!!

i wanted to set up the mood for season 3- i hope it makes you excited!!!!!

[bluejay-writes]

Heaven is a Misnomer - Chapter 9

Fandom: Shall We Date?: Obey Me! Rating: Teen Chapter 9 Wordcount: 2992 Characters/Relationships: Jake (Exchange student OC) / Raphael Summary: Turns out demons aren't very good at writing ethics papers, but Jake looks damn good in spandex. You can also read this on AO3, if that's your jam!

First Chapter || Prev Chapter || Next Chapter > (Next Tuesday!)

Chapter 9 - Dear Jakey, Sweater Paws

“Jakeyyy~!” Aya crowed as she practically danced in circles around him. “You brought me lunch? This is the sweetest thing a human has ever done for me!”

Jake laughed. Bunny had literally left him holding the bag - of chicken strips. Her phone rang as they got back to the dorm, and she took her lunch and disappeared to who knows where. Probably some kind of workout session, knowing her. Yoga, maybe. Anyway, now he got to deal with the entire force of Aya’s personality all by himself. He should be scandalized or horrified or even just being sarcastic but he was honestly just happy. Aya was a fun friend, and her energy was contagious.

“I may have carried it, but Bunny paid for it.” Jake said, not about to take credit for generosity that wasn’t his. 

“Aw, she’s the sweetest. She always thinks I need to eat more so that I, how did she put it, bulk up properly? Something about sick gains. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m just destined to be tiny. Doesn’t matter what or who I eat, this is the size I am.”

“Well, you’re adorable and even if I could change you, I wouldn’t.” Jake said, handing the girl a sweet tea.

“Oh, you charmer! You’re just lucky you’re the gayest thing since Elton John.”

Jake considered. “Wait. Gayer than Lil Nas X?”

“…Who?” Aya blinked, and then shrugged, and Jake realized that he had some educating to do.

“You seriously don’t know who… oh, honey.” Jake reached for his phone only to realize that he didn’t have it because Gabriel was trying to fix it.

“Jake, where’s your phone?”

“Broken.” He muttered. “It wouldn’t turn on this morning. Gabriel’s looking at it, but I have felt completely naked without it today. I’ll text you some pics of Lil Nas X once I get it back.”

“Yes, please. He sounds intriguing. Well anyway, you won’t need your phone to do classwork, but I need you for it. Please, for the love of all that’s unholy help me with this ethics paper I’m dying.”

Jake laughed and let himself be led to the lounge - the best place to both eat their lunch and work on homework. 

It took most of the afternoon to get through writing their ethics papers, Aya was exactly as clueless about Celestial Realm ethics as Jake would expect a demon to be, so it was more like a tutoring session that he also wrote a paper during. Which was fine, honestly, Aya was great company. And they got the work done, so he really had nothing to complain about. Except possibly not having his phone.

As Jake was taking his study materials back to his room, Gabriel called out to him.

“Hey, Jake. I’ve got your device.”

“Oh, cool!” He said, glad that he would soon be able to message his family again. And text Aya those pictures. Seriously. How did she not know modern rappers? “Let me just set these things down. C’mon in.”

Gabriel followed him into the room, waiting patiently while Jake set his armload of notebooks and study materials on his desk before turning back to the angel.

“So, what was wrong with it?”

“I have no idea.” Gabriel said, a vague irritation in his tone that Jake knew wasn’t at him, but at the vagaries of broken technology. “I tried everything I could to diagnose the issue, but you may as well have handed me an expensive brick this morning for all the good it did me. Luckily, I could swap the storage media into a new device, so you’re back up and running relatively quickly.”

“Huh. Uh, well thanks for getting me a new one, then? And if you ever do figure out what I did to break that one, let me know? That way I don’t give you a second expensive brick.”

Gabriel grinned at that, and Jake was happy to see it.

“Gabriel.” Michael called from his office, and the angel stepped inside.

“You called, Michael?”

“Yes. Sometime last night I lost my connection to Jacob’s C.C.C. I think something may have happened to the oversight application.”

Gabriel winced. He was hoping that Michael wouldn’t notice the change, because it would mean that the angel wasn’t as obsessively cyber-stalking their new exchange student as much as Gabriel just knew he would be.

“Ah, well, actually…” He sighed. “The C.C.C. that Jake was using broke, and so—“

“It broke? Did he throw it against a wall or something?”

Gabriel cleared his throat, adjusted his glasses, and continued what he was saying. “Something in the internals fried overnight while it was charging. I haven’t had a chance to pinpoint the exact problem, but I moved his data into a new device. Unfortunately, I forgot about the oversight application as I had too much on my mind today. I can get it back from him for some ‘preventative maintenance’ if you would like me to get the application added back, but I can’t guarantee he won’t notice at that point.”

Michael muttered something under his breath that Gabriel didn’t catch, but shook his head. “No, it’s fine. The oversight of the exchange students is Raphael’s responsibility now, I suppose I should have transferred the oversight application to him regardless. Do check in with him, he may want you to add it back.”

“I’ll check with him this evening, then. Is there anything else?”

“No, that was all. Thank you, Gabriel.”

Free time wasn’t something that Jake got a lot of, and so on nights like tonight when he had all of his homework done and had nothing else going because everyone else was busy with their own things. So there he lay, like a starfish on his way-too-big bed, thinking about the mischief he, Nia, and the girls could be getting up to if only he weren’t in this hell masquerading as heaven called the Celestial Realm.

Nia > Jake: Jaaaaaake Jake > Nia: Hey girl, what’s up? Nia > Jake: I need help

Jake stared at his phone. How was he supposed to help his bestie from all the way up here in the Celestial Realm? He supposed he could call her mother and exert some influence that way.

Jake > Nia: Are you hurt? Should I call someone? Nia > Jake: No. I… I kissed Satan tonight.

Oh. OH. That kind of help. He was here for this. So much better than any other conversation he could be having at this point.

Jake > Nia: Tell me everything.

For the next hour, Jake and Nia talked back and forth. She’d found herself falling in love with the very demon she’d sent her first Devildom-selfie of. But he’d known that she had feelings for Mammon as well. Add that to the amount of time she’d been spending working out with Beelzebub (mirroring his own time with Bunny, he’d not hesitated to tell her in his amusement) and it was a very complicated time for his naïve bestie.

After hearing her out, he gave her the best advice he possibly could in the situation. He didn’t know really anything about Demon relationships, but he knew that Nia was an incredibly open-minded but self-sacrificing girl, and needed to be encouraged to do things that were good for her and not just for everyone else. Also, she was going to be there an entire year, but only a year. So she should live it up and not be afraid to make mistakes.

Jake > Nia: Girl, you’re far too caring for your own good. You’re in literal hell. If you feel like kissing boys, kiss boys! Jake > Nia: But if you feel more than just kissing, if you actually think you might like one of them, you have to talk to them about it. I bet there’s a lot more to it for them to be with a human.

Nia didn’t respond after that, but given how late it was, he wasn’t really surprised. She’d probably fallen asleep. Which was a thing he should probably also think about doing, because he had a run planned with Bunny and Aya bright and early in the morning.

Jake woke, hopped out of bed and into his workout clothes. Which were the jeans and t-shirt he’d been wearing when he got teleported here. He still hadn’t figured out if there was a way for him to go shopping - he didn’t have any spending money. Well, he had the $10 that lived in the coin pocket of his jeans for emergencies, but he had the distinct impression that human world money was going to be useless here.

A soft knock at his door told him the demon girls had arrived, and he swung the door open, waving as he bent down to tie his shoes.

“Glad to have you joining us this morning, Aya!” Jake said quietly but energetically.

“Jake.” Aya said, and the deadpan tone of her voice made him stop and look up at her. “You are not seriously working out in jeans.”

“Yep.” he said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s that or uniform khakis, and…”

“Ew.” Aya said with a shiver. “I have spare workout clothes. They’ll fit you.” She grabbed his hand and practically dragged him behind her up the stairs to her room. She didn’t seem to care that his shoes were still untied. Maybe it was for the best, if he was changing.

Aya let him go once they were in her room, pulled out one of the drawers of her dresser and threw a pair of black/white/vibrant blue color blocked leggings and a practically paper thin long-sleeved top in a coordinating black at him. 

“Change.”

Jake blinked. “Here?”

“Duh, idiot. I’m not into you, you’re not into me, get on with it we’re wasting day— shit, I was going to say we’re wasting daylight but I could just dump all the daylight out and still have too much.”

“I miss the moon.” Bunny said sadly from the doorway.

Jake pulled his top and jeans off in record time, and shimmied into the spandex-heavy leggings that fit him like a surprisingly comfortable glove, at a nice capri-length. Then he pulled the top over his head. It did not fit him near as well, seeming more 3/4 sleeved and crop-top length.

“Uh… I’m not sure if…” He said, awkwardly, trailing off less because he didn’t know what to say and more because he got to watch Aya shift into and then promptly right back out of her demon form.

“Be sure. Those look better on you than they ever did on me. They’re yours now. I never want to see them unless they’re on your body or the floor.”

“Wait, why the floor? And are you okay?”

“She lied about not being into you. She thinks you’re sexy, but she respects that you’re gay. Don’t worry about it.” Bunny said with a chuckle. “Can we run now?”

One good run later, Jake and his demon girls were heading back to their rooms to change for breakfast. It was a day off of classes, so Jake had agreed to not only the morning run but also spotting weights for Bunny after breakfast. He wasn’t going to change out of his workout clothes, but he wanted to grab his hoodie to keep his midriff covered for breakfast. And, because the cool indoor temperatures were going to chill him down pretty fast, so he needed something more than an almost-present workout top.

He said ‘his hoodie’ but of course it was one of Bunny’s that she’d loaned him early on when she learned he didn’t have one. So, he was practically drowning in the oversized thing, conveniently hiding most of his workout clothes from his dormmates’ prying eyes. Which, if Aya’s reaction when he’d first put them on was anything to go by, was probably a good thing.

Just as he was picking his phone back up with his sweater-paws, it chimed in his hand. Nia was awake, and messaging him. He pushed his sleeves up so he could type back to her, leaning on the wall while he waited for Aya to come back downstairs so they could walk to breakfast together.

Nia > Jake: Thanks, Jake. You’re the best, you know that? Jake > Nia: Of course I know that! I’m happy to help, just keep talking to me okay? Nia > Jake: Duh! Oh, hey, I’m gonna ask Diavolo if I can get some of my books from home, is there anything you want from home while I’m asking? Jake > Nia: Girl Scout Cookies? Nia > Jake: I will do my very best to acquire cookies. Jake > Nia: Thanks!!!!

As Aya started down the stairs in front of him, Jake went to put his phone in his pocket. Of course, he fumbled it, sending the brand new device skittering across the floor.

“That’s why we have cases.” Aya said, bending down to pick his phone up from where it slid to a stop by her feet, unashamedly reading the messages from Nia that were up on the screen. Jake was suddenly glad that a majority of their conversation about kissing demons had scrolled off the top with their talk about home.

“Oh! I always wanted to know this, and you can tell me!” She said, as she handed him his phone back. “Are girl scout cookies made with girl scouts, the way chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate chips?”

Jake looked up at her, suddenly wondering if she meant literally. The shit-eating grin on her face told him she definitely didn’t mean it.

“No, and they aren’t even baked by girl scouts anymore. They’re just small batch shelf-stable cookies that support little girls doing outdoorsy shenanigans.”

Aya stuck her tongue out at him for not playing along, and they shared a laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Bunny asked, as they met up just outside the dining room.

“Jake’s friend is going to have cookies sent for him!” Aya said, and Jake mirrored her previous action and stuck his tongue out at her.

“I’m trying to. Who knows what Nia can pull, you know?”

For not the first time, Jake wished that he could leave a meal early. He’d finished eating five minutes ago, but he wasn’t allowed to leave for another five. It felt like an eternity and a waste of his precious, mortal life. He dropped his super-long sleeves over his hands, returning to his comfort-place of sweater-paws, and put his head down on the table where his plate used to be, before Bunny swiped it to steal his leftover syrup. After the day she’d eaten an entire bottle of syrup on her pancakes they started limiting how much she could have, and Jake hated that, so he always took too much so she could have his extra.

He chuckled behind his sleeves, remembering the first time he’d offered his extra syrup to Bunny, the way Gabriel’s face had tensed up. The IT angel thought the idea of sharing the leftover syrup on his plate was the grossest thing he’d ever seen. Jake was just glad he didn’t let his squicks about food keep him from being willing to fix Jake’s tech when it failed him.

When he looked over to see if Gabriel was being grossed out as usual, instead his eyes caught on Raphael’s. The discipline angel was looking curiously at his sweater-paws, so Jake flopped them out at the angel and made a face. “Nyaa.” He winked, causing Raphael to look away awkwardly. Well. Maybe he wasn’t a fan of sweater paws. Why did I wink at him?! Well, that was obvious. Because that was his usual. Being a bratty kitty with his sweater paws at Nia’s sisters, and then winking at Nia when she teased him about it. It was reflex. Just reflex.

When lunch finally adjourned, Jake helped clear the dishes to the kitchen - he was on dishes duty with Azrael today.

“Hey, Az. Erm, Azrael, sorry.” He said, greeting the angel who was transferring any leftover food into containers to store in the refrigerator.

“Jake.” She smiled at him, not acknowledging his slip into habitual nicknaming. “I saw you take too much syrup for Yboun’dih again this morning.”

“What can I say?” he shrugged. “Gotta look out for the little guy.”

“I don’t know whether to take that as that I should keep my guard up around you, or that you somehow consider that demoness the underdog in the situation. She certainly isn’t little.” Azrael was laughing softly, so Jake wasn’t worried that she was actually concerned, and flailed his sweater-paws in her direction. “Okay, and also where did you get a sweater that is that large on you? Oh wait. It’s in return for your syrup tithe, isn’t it.”

Jake chuckled and shook his head. “Bunny just realized I was cold one day and didn’t have a sweatshirt, so loaned me one of hers. If I tuck my knees up to my chest I can basically hide all of me inside of it without stretching it, it’s great!”

“Okay, Sweater Kitten. Come dry dishes so we can both get on with our day.”

Jake set his sweatshirt aside and worked side-by-side with Azrael on the dishes in companionable silence. He really felt like he’d made friends with the angel of death. Though, just thinking of her as the angel of death made him wonder if he’d somehow dreamed the whole thing. He should ask her about what it meant to be the angel of death at some point. Like, she’d said she didn’t like talking to mortals because of it, but he knew nothing about what she actually did, and he cared enough about her to want to find out. Next time, though. He wanted to give the conversation the time and attention it deserved, and Bunny was waiting for him in the common room.

[dykegirlfriend]

fave Gracie Abrams songs and albums and lyrics?

her minor ep is my favourite personally because that's how i got to know her and became a fan, as for songs two people, i know it won't work, will you cry?, right now, block me out, 21, friend, i miss you i'm sorry, unlearn, brush fire, mean it, stay, mess it up, for real this time, camden are my all time fav from her released songs.

as for lyrics there are two aspects that depends on determining if i love them, for example in i know it won't work, i love how she sings "it won't work like that, huh?" but lyrically i like "i am your ghost now your house is haunted" so you can guess. anyways i will give my fav lyrics from my fav songs now <3

two people - "i loved you so hard for a time i've tried to ration it all my life, we could go yellow to black overnight i take you for granted because you're mine" (it's long but yes yes this) ALSO "cause you know everything that could kill me"

already mentioned for i know it won't work

will you cry? - "now you walk through me with my heart heavy breaking my reverie i could die early with your arms around me would it not kill to say goodbye?" AND "it's kinda funny how it goes from all to nothing you have to laugh before you start to cry"

right now - "and i ended a friendship on the day that i left and though i really meant it, it still makes me upset" (OUCH TOO REAL)

block me out - "i think i am burning alive but nobody sees the fire cause when i open my mouth i seem to be stuck in silence" AND "plus after all this time i should be a pretty crier"

21 - "i see the look in your eye and i'm biting my tongue, you'd be the love of my life when i was young" and "i get a little bit alone and sometimes i miss you again, i'll be the love of your life inside your head"

friend - "and i hate the way you love and i hate that i still care funny how you feel like we could ever talk again, how could you ever think i'd be your friend?" (applies to SO many people atp this is my lifesong)

i miss you i'm sorry - "thought you'd hate me instead you called in, said i miss you, i caught it" and the whole bridge honestly because NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE WAY I WANTED EVERY CORNER OF THIS IS HAUNTED AND I KNOW YOU SAID WE'RE NOT TALKING BUT I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANNA GO THINK I WILL MAKE IT WORSE EVERYWHERE I GO LEADS ME BACK TO US (i am very passionate about this song sorry)

unlearn - "i keep bringing all my problems to a pillow fight" and "cause if i'm gonna learn how to love you i need to unlearn how to love too need to unlearn when it feels right OH MY GOD I AM TRYING"

brush fire - "then we become a brush fire, burning all the pain HOW CAN WE SURVIVE A DESERT WITHOUT RAIN?" and "boy you know what to say before i turn away you words hit me like a hard rain in L.A"

mean it - "holding onto thin lines until we just walk between them, getting so loud i can't pretend that i dont hear them, maybe that thing you said under your breath you mean it, i know you mean it"

stay - the whole chorus honestly because COULD YOU HOLD ME WITHOUT ANY TALKING? WE COULD TRY TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY BUT IF I WOKE UP WITH YOU IN THE MORNING I'D FORGET ALL THE WAYS WE'RE BROKEN I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE CHANGED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY

mess it up - "heard that you're happier hope you're sleeping well knowing i'm not, i am doing too much" and "and everytime i get too close i just go mess it up" AND "i keep thinking maybe if you let me back in we can make it better breaking every habit pull myself together you can watch it happen make it happen" (the mv has very special space in my heart btw)

for real this time - "a thousand times i got up to say goodbye i could be wrong but i think i'm for real this time"

camden - "self diagnosing till i'm borderline i will do whatever helps to sleep at night" and "somebody take over drive somebody notice how i'm trying" and "all of me, a wound to close but i leave the whole thing open i just wanted you to know i was never good at coping" (one of the best bridges ever)

[mygwenchan]

Stray thoughts while watching Love Syndrome III - EP5

Day wore that cast for weeks or even months... yeah I wouldn't want to touch it, that thing is nasty

The strippers are a nice touch though hehe

Jealous Day is jealous. He really doesn't want anyone to look at his man

Yes please, everyone take something off! Itt should start with his wig 🤣

Ohhh~ Itt was totally into that thing with the belt, what a naughty boy 😉

Cue Mac & Nan: Yeah, sorry folks. But it you see something like this, call the police ASAP and get that poor boy out of there. That's even beyond bad bdsm etiquette. Mac, my love, you should just castrate Nan. Maybe that would help

What's with the 70s porn music lol And suddenly everyone is making out ✨Is this a party or an orgy, who knows~

YES MAC throw that water into his face, baby! Throw the glass as well, fuck it, throw the whole bottle! Well, at least Day seems to feel a little bad for Mac, everyone else just ignores the situation (fuck them tbh)

Acts of service in the bedroom. We like to see it. They really need to have Long shirtless at least once per episode, huh? Maybe it's part of his contract? Maybe they knew his abs would save the series lol. They are nice abs though, I have to admit

Cuddle time~ That's cute

Flashback time~ The confusion is real, Day's as well as mine. Also, that kid Salmon is a shipper, they're really starting early these days 🤣

Sorry Day, but Itt is right. Car racing while being in that poor health condition is just asking for an accident to happen

Oh, Mac is back! Sweety, grab a car and run them all over. Just a suggestion

Itt fainted again, didn't see that one coming tbh. Was it too hot for him? Was he too stressed out? Probably both. Dude needs a vacation

Cute moment in the office. We like to see it. But Day, don't just answer Itt's call, not cool man. How did Itt later on know that it was Ball who called though? Ah jealous Day is jealous again. My dude, chill. Your boy isn't going anywhere

You go tell him, Itt! Day doesn't even try to remember you...

Oh? Looks like Itt is getting sick again. I feel him, I always get sick when I'm too stressed out, fever and all. Don't recommend. Also, I officially love Nik: "According to what I've studied, I think I can diagnose you. You're likely just sick!" LOL

Day: "Why does he love someone terrible like me?" Because it's the Stockholm Syndrome, baby~ 🎉✨

Not Nik suggesting that Itt got a fever cause he's on his period. DUDE XD He is the most character ever

Are they ever going to get into that car, or? Ah, now Day has another flashback and bad headache... Hmm, maybe that's why there are so many side characters? They're needed to hold Day and Itt when those idiots faint again

Tiny Itt curled up on the bed 🥰

Day "You can't take a shower, you're sick." Oh oh? Does that mean what I think it means?

YES, THE MAGICAL BL TOWEL MADE A COMEBACK!! They did skip the gay checkered sheets though, so one point deducted for that one

Most unhinged moment of this episode: Day taking a shower FULLY CLOTHED. Come on production folks, that would've been THE perfect excuse to show us Long's abs again, ah...

More fainting to come in the next episode. Stay tuned~

[ina-nis]

I appreciate the love and care. I appreciate the good experiences and I really do appreciate things that bring me joy, too.

What gets to me is the fact that none of these things (and several other more) have helped me addressing or even relieving my pain - oftentimes, it feels like it makes it "better" for a moment, only for it to get more intense and painful instead.

Imagine you go to a doctor for a broken leg.

You're in a hospital, the right place to treat broken bones.

After the initial consultation, they run a bunch of tests and you're diagnosed with heart failure and diabetes. Cool.

Everyone seems to be "ignoring" your leg even though it's causing you much pain and you're not able to move freely, because you have more urgent issues to deal with.

You're prescribed diuretics and insulin. So now you can manage those 2 big issues finally.

That was not what you came here for though.

"Your leg will heal on it's own, don't worry about it."

"Don't you know there's people who don't even have legs! You should be thankful!"

"Well, you can always take pain medication for that leg."

You're supposed to live your life the best you can because your leg will heal anyway - why did you even break it in the first?! - and treat those more urgent problems of yours instead of this thing that impacts your quality of life (even if it's not as "severe").

Hmm...

Living in loneliness is nothing like a broken leg. I actually would gladly and enthusiastically prefer the pain of broken bones over dealing with this emotional pain. I have broken bones before, this is nothing.

But I still feel like this is a good metaphor to put words into feelings I can't explain easily...

The "hospital" is other people, it's socializing, it's connecting, it's the right place for the kind of problem I have. Unless it's something else entirely, but after 2+ years of treatment specific for AvPD, I don't think I'm mistaken.

The "heart failure" and "diabetes" are all other things you have going on, for or against you. Regardless, they're are things that exist other than your "broken leg," they are things that, supposedly, will "help" or distract you, but not address it directly.

Because they don't help, nothing really matters?

Even if you treat your cardiac issues and have your diabetes under control, you're still living in pain, you still can't move around and your leg feels almost like dead weight, but you can't cut it off. It's still "healthy" because it's still part of you. How messed up is that, huh?

All what's left, then, is to mourn and try to accept the pain.

No one asked what happened to your leg. Or maybe they did and that didn't make any difference since they didn't have that specialty at the hospital, you'd need to go elsewhere and keep on looking.

"You should be careful and not break your bones."

Well, that doesn't help, does it? The damage is already done.

Fortunately, with a physical condition such as a broken bone, there's help available, there's medication and treatments, there are physical therapies too and several things that can improve the situation. Fortunately, bones do heal on their own (generally).

I wish loneliness was just like a broken bone.

[hannahhasafact]

Gonna treat my tumblr like a journal and ramble some thoughts, feel free to read if you want:

Little by little, my apartment is becoming a place that doesn’t feel… embarrassing? Like being an adult woman, many of my friends and family my age have living situations that are nice. In some ways, I feel like my apartment still looks like one a college kid lives in, and it’s just embarrassing. I’ve never really had people hang out at my apartment because 1. There’s no space for people and 2. It’s just not a nice hang out space. But I feel like I’m getting better at making it a nicer space I think.

Related by why the fuck is my house constantly dusty I am ALWAYS DUSTING

I know there’s still probably a month until we find out about k-con artist alley but god the waiting is killing me. Like it would be incredible and awesome to get in yes but more than anything it’s the not knowing that is killing me oh my god. Probably won’t find out until the end of June and I’m dying (though I totally get why! I’m just so impatient)

I’m in this weird moment in my life where technically I probably have some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder but at the same time it feels weird to say that? Like what I mean is literally multiple people around me will be like “yeahhhhh there might be something up” and I’ve had physical reactions to stress in such a way, but it feels weird to say I have a thing without being like… actually diagnosed with a thing? Feels like I’m making excuses for myself.

In the same vein, I’ve been thinking about “Huh. Why am I having such a visceral response to anxiety compared to how I used to be.” And ngl I think it’s because I’m basically doing no physical activity? I’ve been a pretty physical person all my life and in the last few months it has dropped to like… zero movement. After getting covid, I allowed myself to not be physical mainly because holy shit it wipes you the fuck out. And then… I kind of just stopped moving. And it’s so hard to get moving again. Especially because I’m so tired all the time, but I know that physical activity helps with that drained energy! And I know it would help with my brain! And with so much! And I just… haven’t.

Every time I talk to my mom all she asks is if I have any job interviews. Which like… I get why she’s asking, but god it really sucks to have to deal with that on every fucking call with her. It feels like a check in that I’m failing at.

I know I need to be applying for more jobs but I also need to start working out and I need to be drawing more and oh maybe I should look into practicing trumpet again but I would have to go to a place to practice because I can’t do that in my apartment and I need to donate some clothes but first I have to wash them but also I should work on putting myself out there because I’m not going to get a date sitting in my house and I don’t need a person in my life but it might be nice because fuck man life is so goddamn hard on your own but also-

That’s where my brain is at most of the time and instead of doing anything I mute my thoughts with assorted media. So yeah that’s the vibe.

I’m trying to drink less because 1. It’s not good for me and 2. Pretty sure it’s making my anxious-ness worse but holy hell rewatching Ted Lasso really made me want rose or a pint of cider

This three day weekend has not been enough days, but at least I cleaned my apartment today

Bijou is doing alright. It’s strange because she has noticeably less energy, but like she’s okay. I’m still feeling sad feelings, but I’ve gotten to a more accepting vibe. Also it’s been weird how so many older people I know have been like “you should get another cat immediately” 1. She’s not even dead yet and 2. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of not having a cat after she’s gone. That might change, but right now it’s like 1. The emotional strain this has taken on me I can’t deal with immediately again 2. I’ve already been hemorrhaging money this year, a new cat would be a financial decision that i don’t think is smart and 3. Any living creature is a lot of time commitment, and I think it might be good for me to not constantly be worried about an animal at home and if they’re doing okay. Like I said: Bijou is still here, but I’ve obviously been having to think about this stuff a lot.

Tumblr this shit is so annoying please stop doing this:

I know how tags work on this fucking website

Anyways, those are just my rambly thoughts.

[dissociating-brain]

I cannot sleep, so please enjoy some fucked up things that previous therapists have said to me:

First therapist:

“I think you’re using therapy as a crutch” (pls note that I was suffering from severe ptsd during this)

“I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel like every time I see you, I’m just putting out fires”

Me: “why won’t you diagnose me with ptsd”

Her: “well, people with ptsd usually generalize things. They say that they hate all men, and things like that”. (My abuser was literally a woman, but go off about how I should be hating men I guess)

*going line by line through the DSM for ptsd* “well you do have that symptom but it doesn’t count because ______” (worth noting that after being referred to a psychiatrist who worked with vets with ptsd, he told me that I had severe ptsd)

Second therapist:

Literally told me graphic details about a sexual trauma that was done to her, unprovoked, which was incredibly triggering. Then immediately shows me trauma artwork she had done about the event which was even more triggering, and I started dissociating.

Telling me a story that another client had told her in confidence, WORD FOR WORD. “She had gone out to a nice restaurant with her husband and ordered filet mignon. She then went in the bathroom and purged it all up. She was crying when she told me this, but all I could think was ‘what a waste of filet mignon’ “

Her: “do you have friends?”

Me: “yes”

Her: “I’ve always wondered how people with your diagnosis (bpd) make friends”

Me: “I miss being able to see my bones”

Her: “well I could see my bones too when I was a drug user”

Me: “right, but you didn’t do that on purpose”

Her: “I used drugs on purpose”

Me: “yes but you did that to get high, I purposefully starved myself so that I could be thin. I would hide in my parents garage and take pictures of my bones.”

Her: “…….huh. Well maybe.”

*calls her at 8pm because I was in crisis. Apparently she was in bed when I called. I’m pouring my guts out and she fell asleep on the phone with me.*

Program leader at a partial hospitalization program I was in

Constantly told people diagnosed with bpd that they should take their diagnosis with a grain of salt and that most people don’t actually have bpd

Made us share our diagnoses and trauma history in front of like 10 other clients. Then in front of everyone, grills me about my bpd diagnosis. “Who diagnosed you? What clinic are they with? What are their credentials?”

This pissed me off so I went out of my way to not interact with him while I was there. On my last day he goes “I feel like you have a problem with me. Is there anything you would like to say to me?”. Again, this is in front of the WHOLE GROUP. So unprofessional. But best believe I let him know how invalidating his whole anti bpd campaign was, and other people agreed with me.

There’s probably more but it’s 1am and I have to try to sleep.

[queenofthedorks]

Last March I was officially diagnosed with ADHD after being unofficial diagnosed twice. Once my freshman year of high school when both my brother and father were diagnosed, the shrink was like “Oh yeah. She definitely has signs, but she’s doing fine in school. We don't need to do anything.” I then proceeded to deliberately flunk 8 classes in the next two years because I did not want to be in those classes, but no one did anything. BECAUSE I WAS FINE.

The second time I was unofficially diagnosed was in Fall 2013. I was working a full-time job and taking 9 credit hours of studio art, and I was getting close to graduating and trying to decide what to do, and it was just too much. Every time I sat down to make art, I had a meltdown. So I’m like okay. It’s time. I need meds. But I didn’t understand that sometimes you have to really push, and the doctor was like you're fine. Once you graduate, it will be fine.

I proceeded to almost tank grad school at least once a year for 3 years, and after a hardware failure, forgetting to back up, and in general, just being unmedicated ended up writing 60 pages of thesis in 2 weeks in a sheer fucking panic. BUT I WAS FINE.

Anyway, that's not what this is about.

Last March I WAS NOT FINE. (IDK how anyone could possibly be fine coming out of 2020/21, but that's also not what this is about.) So I took advantage of an online service, because finding a shrink to meet with in person after the previous instances was just TOO FUCKING MUCH.

And the online service was like GuuurRL. Congrats. You got both the inattentive type and the impulsive type. Well done. Well done indeed. We recommend medication. Also, some therapy, cause we’re a little worried about you.

At my med appointment, the shrink and I talked and eventually ended up with Concerta because, as I pointed out, I don’t remember to drink water or eat my lunch half of the time. I won’t remember to take my meds more than once a day.

And I was incredibly lucky because it worked pretty much straight out of the gate. I’d heard some horror stories so I was prepared to throw a fit, but the preauthorization was approved in like two hours, and I started taking my meds I wasn’t always 100%, but OMG, it was a night and day difference between being medicated and not. It took less energy to focus on the big stuff, which meant I wasn’t exhausted and frozen when I attempted the little stuff. And the constant low grade grind of anxiety I felt on a daily basis almost completely disappeared.

Then in January, I picked up my prescription and was like huh. The shape of my pills changed. Which should have given me a moment of pause, but this is the first long term prescription I’ve taken. About three-quarters of the way through January, I realized I was struggling. It wasn't quite as bad as not being medicated at all, but suddenly the little things like working out, cleaning, and packing my lunch became next to impossible to do again. And I don’t know, maybe it was actually worse, because I now know what I should feel like and I wasn’t. But still, I’ve been so gaslit by my previous experiences that I thought it was maybe me. January was especially grey this year, so I upped my vitamin D. Made some effort to sit in the sun when it was available and poured some effort into focus. And still I struggled. Anxiety kicked back up; small things slipped further through the cracks. I was really getting down on myself, because I should be fine. And I was not. So clearly I was fucking up some how.

And then I saw a tiktok from someone who was essentially in the same situation, but even worse. They’d been great for like a decade, but in the last two months it has been a constant struggle. And oh btw they were also taking Concerta. I decided maybe it wasn't just me, being me then. Maybe, there was something wrong. So, I started digging and discovered three things that happened at essentially the same time.

My insurance stopped covering the name brand.

The one manufacturer whose generic was precisely the same as the name brand stopped manufacturing it.

The generic that the pharmacy is giving is a bilayer tablet instead of a trilayer and is supposed to be time release, but????

The reason Concerta really works for some people is not the meds inside so much--it's just Ritalin--it's the way it's delivered. It's designed to do an initial dump of about 20% of the drug in the first hour or so, and then it does a really slow release of the rest of the drug for about 10 hours. Unfortunately, it's a proprietary delivery system, and with Janssen no longer producing it, it's the named brand or nothing.

Whatever this generic is doing it’s not doing it the way I needed to. And I should be fine, but I’m not. So after being kind paralyzed by anxiety and executive dysfunction for several weeks I am finally gonna talk to the doctor today about I don’t know? A new med? I don’t even know how this works. I just know that I know how functional feels now, so I’m not going back to not if I can at all help it.

Anyway, the American healthcare system is bullshit. Like I get that I’m incredibly privileged to have the meds covered at all, but fuck they should not be able to just suddenly decide I can only take a generic that’s not really equal to the named brand.

So after much dithering about if I should talk to someone, I finally made an appointment today. And after I made the appointment I realized they the only reason I dithered was because I’m concerned that someone is going to tell me I’m fine.

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Sanctuary for All, Part 1 Thoughts

*I always forget how different Will is in the pilot compared to the rest of the series. So desperate for someone to take him seriously that he's resorting to rambling to the waitress about his observations.

*Will finding a Russian nesting doll and immediately assuming the family is Russian or Ukranian. Like. Do you know how common those are, my guy?

*Alexi has ADHD confirmed.

*Kinda want to incorporate Joe into The Time Wars, even if it's as a bit part.

*Forever obsessed with the bit where Will narrowly avoids being hit by Ashley on a motorcycle only to IMMEDIATELY get hit by Helen in a car.

*OK but the way Will immediately covered for Magnus. Didn't tell anyone he'd seen the person who hit him or anything. He didn't know who she was, and maybe he didn't even know why he was covering for her, but he knew she was important.

*That's not how lineups work. That's not how any of this works. A lineup consists of more than one person.

*Oh BTW Will's hair was super curly when he was a kid. I choose to believe it still is when he doesn't put four million products in it.

*Eleanor! Hey remember when it was established that Helen Magnus had friends? And hung out with people she saw in her day to day life?

*JOHN AND HIS LOCKET OF HELEN

*John acting almost shy in this scene is painful. Especially knowing what's coming.

*Will desperately trying to convince someone, anyone to listen to him. Also just... The way Joe and Meg really are trying to help Will, in their own ways. They're wrong, but they don't know that.

*Helen is so dramatic, especially in reaching out to Will, and Will just. Doesn't Engage. "Lady, I'm getting soaked here. What do you what?" Just does not let her draw him into the drama.

*Okay but the way he makes her smile, even from the beginning. Her amusement. Her oh, this will be fun.

*One of my favorite things about this episode from a narrative perspective is the way they save the Ashley reveal for so far into it. Through most of the first part, Ashley and Helen are framed as Opposing Forces looking for the boy. (.... Oh hey not like I need another AU, but that would make a great AU.)

*Tbh I really do like Meg. Wish she could have been more of a character.

*Will. Will, what is that book organization? Will.

Will, you're stressing me out.

*EC or not, there's definitely comparisons and contrasts between Meg's relationship with Will and Helen's relationship with Will. (Specifically humor, and also the contrast of Meg thinking he's crazy and him looking at Magnus' business card.)

*Magnus' excitement when Will says he doesn't know why she's looking for the boy is so fun.

*I forgot how HUGE the Sanctuary is from the outside.

*The one time teleporting into an EM shield just bounces him back. Also him laughing as he hits the ground, so fond of Helen... John, you're a DistasterTM.

*"Next time you just want some company, don't give your number out to strangers on the street." Ajdmsjsjdm Helen's sitting here trying to be all dramatic and mysterious, and Will's just like. "I diagnose you with Loneliness." And. He's not totally wrong.

*Ashley knocking out those cops just adds to the perceived contrast. We're so nervous that it looks like she'll get to the kid before Helen.

*Hey wait there's a clock on the wall when Will walks into the Sanctuary lab. We can see what time-WAIT THERE ARE TWO CLOCKS SET FOR DIFFERENT TIMES. ONE SEC. Wait, no, there's at least 3. All different times. Huh.

*Okay it looks like every pillar has a clock set to a different time. Nice detail actually.

*Love that the example for "Other [Abnormals] can't be allowed to run free" shows up multiple times throughout the series running free, including the VERY NEXT EPISODE.

*Flying Person should have been a major character.

*"He's just as unnerved by you." Ajdkfksms Biggie's characterization probably changes more than any other's throughout this show.

*Such a fascinating thing how Helen speaks so highly of Abnormals, but never refers to herself as one unless absolutely necessary. They're valuable, but they're still "Other" to her.

*Why does Ashley sign her texts? Ma'am you're texting your mother. Does she not know your number?

*Obsessed with the fact that it's played as if Helen looks too young to be Ashley's mother, as if Amanda isn't 19 years older than Emilie.

*"What she lacks in refinement, I assure you she makes up for in her field skills." Lines that get painful when you realize how soon Ashley will die.

*Wish there could have been more with Ashley trying to fool Will with stories and Will just shaking his head and laughing.

[gothbitchshit]

Per your Eddie and not wanting kids headcannon. I saw your tags and uh may I ask how you’re able to get a hysterectomy because uhm I would like one but I live in Texas in the good ol US of A and I do not even know where to start.

Hi anon! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that /: I also live in the US (Arizona) and truly. Getting it feels like a miracle almost???

I’m getting real honest up in here so if you don’t wanna read about my ✨uterus problems✨ there will be a tldr at the end under all my rambling under the cut.

So I’ve been struggling with my uterus and in turn my periods since I started having them. Like months of no bleeding, then months where I wouldn’t stop bleeding. Birth control also only made it worse somehow? And I’ve tried different brands of pills, the depo shot, the birth control patch, etc.

mind you I’m happily in a relationship with a cis woman so I was not doing this for contraceptive measures — I was doing this 1000% to get relief from my garbage uterus. Anywho

Last year I got an IUD, which my doctors thought would help, but I still had painful, aggressive periods. During this time I got diagnosed with PMDD, this was incredibly helpful for my getting the approval for my hysterectomy.

Now bc of all of this my doctors were like hey, maybe you have endometriosis? And I was like huh. Wild. Maybe. And unfortunately, the only real diagnosis you can get for endometriosis comes after explorative surgery. It’s very much a thing where you have to suggest to your doctor that you think you could have it and then you talk about symptoms and your doctor shrugs and they go “probably” and you move on.

After all of this and a lot of shitty doctors who didn’t give a shit about me, I was recommended an obgyn by a friend who had found a list of doctors who will help you get a tubal ligation without harassing you about your age or marital status (here).

My doctor, thankfully, after our first meeting immediately recommended a hysterectomy. She affirmed that no one should ever have to suffer with that just because I’m under thirty and don’t have kids. The fact that I’m queer and don’t want to birth my own children (if I ever have them) shouldn’t change the fact that I was being failed by the medical system.

My first appointment with my doctor was September 30th, and I’m getting my hysterectomy on November 16th, so the turn around on it was impressive honestly lmao (that’s also not factoring in somehow my body managed to push out my iud between my first appointment and getting my ultrasound literally 3 days later)

Even after all of this, I still had to wait the longest for insurance approval. And I had to tell my doctors repeatedly what I’d done up until now to just try and live with my period.

TLDR; I struggled for a long time, but having and keeping documentation of what you’ve attempted to do and what didn’t work for you is key to getting it approved, both by your doctor and by insurance. If your doctor isn’t listening to you, try to find a new one. Even in red states, there are resources and people who will help you, even if it’s just to point you in the right direction 🖤

[aluckiicoin]

"Could it really be that my information was wrong? I'll have to reconsider my sources. You're not only a pretty piece of merchandise for me, if that's what you're implying. I'd like to see you happy, even with someone else, isn't that exactly what I said?"

*It was certainly not what Veritas really meant, but how could he admit that he really was, in fact, jealous?*

"No one else could possibly be willing to give you as much as I am. I don't want you to fall for someone and be used once again. It would be only reasonable to stay as far from Sunday as possible, keep this in mind."

*He means it as a genuine advice, but the remnant of his initial distress is still there. His obsession with Aventurine really is slipping further and further out of his control.*

@veritas-ratio-rp

“Do you really think me incapable of hearing subtext.”, that was truly adding insult to injury. To come at him unfounded, just to deny it later – no, even try to imply Aventurine had just completely misunderstood his intentions.

“Tch.”, he scoffed, eyes turning colder. “I'm not some kind of merchandise – it's what you keep saying. Yet you go out of your way to make sure it feels exactly like that.”, he raised a hand, an accusing finger digging into the taller man's chest.

“What are you willing to give? Huh, tell me Mr. Genius.”, the blonde was finally finding his fighting spirit in between his tiredness.

“Your pride? That you throw away recklessly in fits of jealousy over irrelevant things? Your reputation – my statement that you keep shoving down my throat whenever you get the chance? Your life?! Oh, at this rate I am not doubting you'd jump at the opportunity to sacrifice yourself for one of us and make the remaining, the ones who might actually care a great deal of you, suffer your loss. If, I fall for someone – which does seem impossible – and end up used once again, well, it would show I haven't learned the lesson still. As apparently I haven't done with keeping people away either.”, the remaining words caused him to turn the finger into a flat hand, giving a shove to create more distance again.

“How, pray tell, am I supposed to get anything done on Penacony when your fragile ego wouldn't allow me to deal with the representative of the Family?” All of this made Aventurine desire to do something incredibly reckless. The doctor might not want to hurt him but he was certainly very good at it. To the point the gambler's mind was starting to believe it was on purpose, a pitiful petty way of taking revenge for the blonde's lack of romantic feelings.

Well, he could play that game – and maybe torch that bridge down in the progress. “You should get help, Veritas. Get diagnosed by someone – who is NOT yourself.”