#maybe i will write my bachelor thesis about this. about the relationship between mental health and employment.....

[warriorbarnes]

hm. thinking thoughts about. labour. and how the popular, internet leftist take on it is "work bad. work evil." when actually it's not work/labour in itself that's evil, it's labour under capitalism that's the problem. how capitalism strips work and labour of it's value and makes it about. money. survival. more money. when marx himself said that working is part of the human nature. creating, doing, existing as a part of society is part of what makes us human and is actually important in any society, both for the sake of society but also for us as individuals, for us to reach our human potential, for us to be. happy.

[charlie-minion]

What were the highs and lows of this year?

I didn’t do journaling on my blog this year, but I didn’t abandon my insightful nature either. I believe this year was better than last year and considerably better than 2017, so I’d like to borrow the last journal entry from last year in order to organize in my head the good and the bad of 2019.

LOWS:

I spent a long time staring at the word “lows” and trying to write something, but every time I came up with an idea, my brain provided a thought that made it seem like it really wasn’t a big deal and that it all worked out for the best, anyway. I guess my psychologist would be very proud of me right now! For instance:

I let go of some friendships and acquaintances.

After uttering this statement, I realized that this was more positive than negative because I learned to invest my time and energy wisely. I learned the importance of giving and taking in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) and the necessity of letting go of those who don’t make an effort. So, in this regard, I regret nothing.

I had another depressive episode and some serious moments of crisis.  

This is another low that turned into a high. I started to feel the decline in my mental health again at the end of June and promptly looked for help. I realized the health care system in my country does offer mental health services for free, so I went back to therapy. I had regular weekly sessions with my psychologist for 6 months, and I was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist. They discovered I had been wrongly diagnosed with major depression the previous times I had hit rock bottom, but in reality, I’ve had bipolar disorder all this time (which makes a lot of sense, truth be told). Without that depressive episode, I wouldn’t have gone back to therapy and many of the highs of the year wouldn’t have happened.

My social service project and master’s thesis took a lot longer than I expected.

However, I can’t complain much about this because everything worked out great in the end. And the fact that my graduation was in September gave my big sister the chance to come to my country and be here with me on such a special occasion.

It took me a long time to sell the missing half of my old property.

But it was worth the wait because a friend of my mom’s bought the house and I don’t carry that burden into 2020 anymore.  

I didn’t get a job.

This isn’t true, though. I did get a job. I got a job as the vice-principal of a private school, but I decided not to sign the contract because there were things I didn’t agree with. I was offered two other jobs during the year and I just wasn’t interested in taking them. It took me some time to realize that I didn’t want to get a job because I wasn’t stable enough. I felt pressured to do so because it was expected of me as someone with both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, but I didn’t really want to, so not getting a job was actually a good thing and the Universe knew better.

I burned the bridge with my ex-girlfriend (whether temporarily or for life).

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn’t do it because I didn’t care for her; I did it because I wanted to give her a chance to learn what she truly wanted. She’s still hot and cold and that’s understandable due to her age (there’s an age gap to consider between us). She kind of tried to communicate with me a few times (mostly when she needed something) and I tried to stay friends, but when she approached me a month into my depressive episode of the year, I was not in the right condition to keep playing mind games with her and decided to set very clear boundaries that would leave her out maybe for good. On the one hand, this could be one of the lows of the year, but on the other hand, I simply don’t regret a thing because I had to do what was best for me and my mental and emotional health.

Honestly, there’s not a single low this year that can’t be turned into a good thing. And I know that must have been true in the previous years as well, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do so.

HIGHS:

All the aforementioned things are definitely highs, but they are the result of an automatic exercise my brain did to transform something negative into something positive. My therapist spent weeks and weeks working with me on this, and I thought this was the most difficult exercise of all, so that’s why I believe she would be extremely proud of me if she saw me doing this unprompted.

Now if I want to talk specifically about the highs, I can mention:

I had a spiritual awakening on January 28th.

When my depressive episode kicked in, I started to doubt the spiritual awakening had been true. Then when I learned about my mental illness, I thought that maybe what I thought was a spiritual awakening had simply been a hypomanic episode. But the truth is that my level of consciousness shifted and there’s no denying that. I may have a serious mental illness and I may be on meds for the rest of my life, but the fact that, from January on, I’ve been very in tune with my intuition has nothing to do with all that. There’s no need to go deep into this because I don’t feel the need to talk about it or convince anyone anymore, and isn’t that even better?

I got closer to my family.

I realized that I didn’t have to turn my back on my family because not everything is black or white. They may not be perfect, but I’m not either; nobody is. So, I made peace with some relatives and got closer again to some others. I’m a lot better at setting boundaries now, so I’m not a people pleaser, but I’m not nasty either. All in all, I feel good about the fact that I may not be as alone as I thought I was.

I released the two major sources of stress I still had.

When I finished grad school and sold my house, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t have any more papers to worry about, professors or classmates to deal with, or fees to pay. I don’t have to clean my old house or continue paying the bills. I’m finally free! And there’s no better way to start a new year and a new decade.

I got diagnosed and was given the proper treatment.

As I mentioned before, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s not that I’m happy about it, but I was treated incorrectly for so many fucking years, that it feels wonderful to be taken seriously for the first time in forever. I started medication in November and my psychiatrist has been really helpful. The effect of the meds has been evident! There haven’t been side effects and my brain has reacted beautifully to the treatment. It feels like I can use my rational mind now, and I can even keep it together when other people act in a threatening way (which has happened). I’m amazed at how different life feels like from this perspective. I never quite understood why people liked to be alive because all I felt on a daily basis was despair, so to me being alive used to feel like a burden rather than a blessing. It doesn’t feel that way now. I know both the meds and the changes in my life style have contributed, but I can say with 100% certainty that without the meds, I would not feel the way I do right at this time.

I look freaking fantastic!

I have lost over 80 pounds since I started exercising on March 20, 2018. I have a lot of energy and feel good about myself. It’s not just the fact that I’m not overweight anymore, though. I’m proud of myself because I’ve had the patience and discipline to do something that didn’t give me any immediate benefit. I see the results now and everyone praises me for what I’ve accomplished, but I exercised daily for over a year without seeing much of a change, and despite that, I kept going. So, this is definitely a high! I’m missing just 25 pounds to weigh what I want, and I’m confident I’ll be there soon.

I appreciate the people who are still part of my life.

I haven’t let go of every friend; I just got better at knowing when a cycle is over without taking it personally. Some people have returned to my life, and some others have left. That’s just part of life, I guess. The only thing I know is that those who remain mean a lot to me, and I’m thankful for them.

I finally learned what I want.

It was December of 2017 when my friend Kate asked me what I wanted after yet another failed suicide attempt. I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know; no one had ever asked me that, not even me. I’d always done what others wanted me to, or what I thought others wanted or expected from me. Last year, when I had to answer this question in my journal, I had trouble giving a straight answer. It was easier to identify what I DIDN’T want. That was progress, indeed, but still not enough. This year, I’ve continued to progress. I know what I want! I want to live as if I had already retired without feeling guilty about it. I want to feel proud about my academic accomplishments without feeling that I’m obliged to climb a professional ladder because of them. I want to have time to enjoy my hobbies and to enjoy the simplest things in life, even if I can’t eat out at fancy restaurants or buy fancy things as often as I used to. I want a humble, simplified life. And that’s exactly what I have right now!

I may not be where I thought I wanted to be 10 years ago, but at the time, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I was just acting in autopilot, following other people’s beliefs of what I should want. I’m convinced that 2020 will be an amazing year precisely because I am EXACTLY where I want to be, and if that’s not where others expected me to be, all I can say is that I don’t give a single fuck! :’D

Thank you for everything, 2019!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone, especially to those who read all of this! ♥♥ 

[dorcasrempel]

Ice, ice, maybe

From above, Antarctica appears as a massive sheet of white. But if you were to zoom in, you would find that an ice sheet is a complex and dynamic system. In the Department of Earth, Atmospheric and Planetary Sciences (EAPS), graduate student Meghana Ranganathan studies what controls the speed of ice streams — narrow, fast-flowing sections of the glacier that funnel into the ocean. When they meet the ocean, losing ground support, they calve and break off into icebergs. This is the fastest route of ice mass loss in a changing climate.

Looking at the microstructure, there are many components that can affect the speed with which the ice flows, Ranganathan explains, including its interaction with the land the ice sits on, the crystalline structure of the ice, and the orientation and size of the grains of ice. And, unfortunately, many models do not take these minute factors into consideration, which can impact their predictions. That is what she hopes to improve, modifying the mathematics and building models that eliminate assumptions by fleshing out the details of exactly what is happening down to a microscopic level.

Ranganathan is equipped to handle such a topic, holding a bachelor’s degree in mathematics from Swarthmore College, where she generated food chain models to investigate extinction levels. She left her undergraduate studies with a “desire to save the world” and knew she wanted to apply her knowledge to climate science for her graduate degree. “We’re one of the first generations that grew up hearing about the climate crisis, and I think that made quite an impact on me,” she says. It’s also a “sweet spot,” she claims, in terms of being both a scientifically invigorating problem — with a lot of mathematical complexities — and a societal issue: “My desire to use math to discover things about the world, and my desire to help the world intersect in climate science.”

A climate of opportunity

EAPS allowed Ranganathan the flexibility to choose her field of focus within the wide range of climate science. “EAPS is a great department in diversity of fields,” she says. “It’s rare for one department to encompass so many aspects of earth and planetary sciences.” She lists faculty addressing everything from hurricanes to climate variability to biological oceanography and even exoplanetary studies. “Even now that I’ve found a research focus, I get to learn about other fields and stay in touch with current research being done across the earth sciences,” she adds.

Flexibility is something she also attributes to her fellowship. Currently, Ranganathan is sponsored by the Sven Treitel Fellowship, and it’s this support that has allowed her the opportunity to develop and grow her independence, transitioning from student to researcher. “Graduate school is arguably not necessarily to learn a field, but rather to learn how to build on your own ideas,” she explains. Without having her time consumed by writing grant proposals or working on other people’s funded projects, she can divert her full attention to the topic she chooses. “This fellowship has really enabled me to focus on what I’m here to do: learn to be a scientist.”

The Sven Treitel Graduate Student Support Fund was established in 2016 by EAPS alumnus Arthur Cheng ScD ’78 to honor Sven Treitel ’53, SM ’55, PhD ’58. “Sven Treitel was a visiting professor at MIT when I was a graduate student, and he was a great role model for me,” says Cheng. Treitel’s contributions to making seismograms more accurate are considered instrumental to bringing about the “digital revolution” of seismology.

Years of change

Currently in her third year, Ranganathan has passed her qualifying exam and is now fully devoted to her project. That includes facing some challenges in her research, like producing new models or, at least, new additions to preexisting models to make them suitable for ice streams. She also worries about what she calls a dearth of data needed to provide her model some benchmarks. Her excitement isn’t deterred, though, and she’s invigorated by the prospect of self-directing how she tackles these technical obstacles with input from her advisor, Cecil and Ida Green Career Development Professor Brent Minchew.

During the Covid-19 crisis, Ranganathan appreciates the EAPS department and her advisor for ensuring that events and check-ins remain a regular occurrence in addition to prioritizing mental health. Although she has adjusted her hours and workflow, Ranganathan believes she has been relatively lucky while MIT campus has limited access. “My work is quite easy to take remote, since it is entirely computer-based work. So, my days haven’t changed too much, with the exception of my physical location,” she notes. “The biggest trick I’ve learned is to be OK with everything not being exactly the same as it would have been if we were working in person.”

Ranganathan still meets with her office mate every morning for coffee, albeit virtually, and continues to find encouragement in her fellow lab group-mates, whom she describes as smart, driven, and diverse, and brought together by a love for ice and glaciers. She considers the EAPS students in general a warming part of being at MIT. “They’re passionate and friendly. I love how active our students are in science communication, outreach, and climate activism,” she comments.

Ice sheets of paper

The co-president of the WiXII (Women in Course 12 group), Ranganathan is well-versed in communication and outreach herself. She enjoys writing — fiction as well as journalism — and has previously contributed articles to Scientific American. She uses her writing as a means to elevate awareness of climate issues and generally focuses on the interplay between climate and society. Her 2019 TEDx talk focused on human relationships with ice — how the last two decades of scientific study has completely changed how society understands ice sheets.

Amazingly, all of Ranganathan’s knowledge of earth science, climate science, and glaciology, she has learned since joining MIT in 2017. “I never realized how much you learn so quickly in graduate school.” She hopes to continue down a similar track in her future career, addressing important aspects of glaciology that still need answers. She might want to try field work someday. When asked what’s left to accomplish, she joked, “Do the thesis! Write the thesis!” 

Ice, ice, maybe syndicated from https://osmowaterfilters.blogspot.com/

[notquitetolstoy]

Maria Jotuni - Huojuva talo (The Tottering House)

The first thing I ought to say is that this is probably one of the best novels I’ve ever read. I am both proud and a little sad to say that it was written by a Finnish writer/playwright Maria Jotuni in 1936, and published posthumously 20 years after the writers death in 1943 - proud because this truly amazing work was written by a fellow Finn, and sad because it was never translated. The major themes of this work - love, sacrifice, good and evil - are universal, and I personally think it’s a shame that only the Finns (and a few curiosities who speak our freaky language) are able to enjoy it. Nevertheless, I am going to write a few words about this novel, and why I loved it, so if you are 1) familiar with Finnish: Wonderful! You should read this post and then run to the book store or the library as fast as you can, get this book in your hands and read it with the speed of light like I did, 2) not familiar with Finnish: Maybe this novel could be a reason so start learning! Warning: I���ve heard it’s pretty painful, kind of like falling down stairs (which is what our language also sounds like according to some people), but those who manage it are unstoppable. All right, lets get started!

The Tottering House describes the life of a young woman named Lea, who is bright, independent and resourceful despite her modest upbringing. She has an alcoholic father who she loves and nurses like a child, a strict mother she seems to either despise or admire depending on how she has treated her husband, a baby-sister who she adores but doesn’t really understand because of their opposite personalities, and a grandfather who is her mentor and confidant when she’s a child. Their family is rather poor, at least in the 1930′s Finnish standards, but they get by with the help of Lea’s grandfather, who owns a general goods store. Lea has planned to apply for university as soon as she can, and wants to get an education so that she can provide for her family. This doesn’t really pan out, however, because her grandfather and father both pass away in a short period of time. Lea ends up applying for a regular office job, through which she meets her future husband - and tormentor - Eero.

Eero and Lea are married very quickly after their first encounter, and at the beginning Lea thinks her new husband is truly a good person, a real gentleman and a stable provider of the family. Sure, it seems a bit strange that she has to keep book of everything (and I mean everything!) she buys, and that her new husband grits his teeth in anger every time Lea asks him for money to buy groceries and other normal things for their home. Maybe Eero is just being extremely prudent, but making his wife eat cheaper food and in less amounts than he himself does, and making her feel worthless because she doesn’t have any money of her own (Eero forbids her from working in the office or anywhere else), sounds wrong even to our kindhearted heroine. Eero also starts to get short episodes of rage and violence, usually after talking about money, when he throws or brakes things or says something really degrading to his wife. Lea, however, is confident her husband is a good and loving person despite his manners, and believes he is just doing what is best for the family. Of course it turns out eventually that he is not.

Over the years Lea and Eero have three children, who Lea adores, but who Eero couldn’t give less about. Eero is mostly staying out late somewhere and with people Lea knows nothing about, or seducing the newest of the many maids (and Leas little sister) that go through their household over the years. They all fall victim to Eero’s charms, and to everyone else it seems quite clear what is happening between Eero and these women (and sometimes girls) except for Lea. She decides to keep believing in her husband and the home they build together, even though she realizes that their house and their life together is tottering pretty badly. Oh, and the episodes Eero had in the beginning turned physically violent towards Lea around the time their first child was born. He hits and strangles her, brakes her ribs, and even tries to drown her in a lake one time. On top of this, he is still vicious in his mental violence as well, trying to make her feel as worthless as he possibly can and ostracizing her from her family and friends. The only solace for Lea are her children for whom she can evidently endure anything - also, at this point she thinks of her husband more as a person who can’t really control himself and whom she has to care for, than anything else. She is prepared to sacrifice her own happiness for her children, who she believes need their father in their lives and who are financially supported by him. The children, however, are extremely fearful of their father and walk on eggshells their whole childhood, and eventually Eero starts using physical violence against them too. Lea desperately wants her children to see their father in a good light and love him, but she doesn’t realize it is impossible after they have witnessed what he has done to their mother for all those years.

This was a very truncated summary of the events in the novel, but this post is already longer than my Bachelor’s thesis so I’ll stop here. I shall not reveal the ending of the novel, but I will say that it is a happy one (or at least it offers some consolation for both Lea and her family, and the reader). This novel is not an easy read, and it really tears your heart apart at various points, so why on earth did I love it so much? First of all, the description of characters is phenomenal. Period. Lea is the embodiment of kindness and forgiveness, she’s a loving parent and a fateful spouse. She truly loves her husband, despite all the horrible things he does to her, and wants to make their relationship work at any cost. Her character and thoughts are discussed in great detail, and that’s probably the reason why Lea becomes so important to the reader from very early on. The things she has to endure and the sacrifices she has to make truly brake your heart to bits. However, for a modern-day person it can be hard to understand some of the logic behind Lea’s actions (or lack of them really) throughout the book: why didn’t Lea divorce her husband, why didn’t she inform the police about the beatings of herself and her children, why didn’t she just leave, and so on.. At first, I myself thought that Lea was being really naive believing in her husband’s lies, and that their marriage would work out. I was even a little bit annoyed at her impotence. However, I soon realized that she was actually fully financially dependent on Eero, she didn’t want her children to live without their father, and she truly loved her husband despite the things he did to her, and didn’t want him to get into trouble with the law. Also, in the 1930′s appearance was very important, and divorcing was thought of as something very shameful - a failure. And even though she didn’t want to show or admit it, Lea was probably very much afraid of her husband - for both her own and for her children’s sake. All of these things made me realize that leaving your home, financial support and someone you truly love, without any knowledge of the future, is extremely difficult, so it’s understandable why Lea couldn’t do it. However, I do believe that she should have left Eero, if not for herself, then for the children. I can’t even imagine how afraid they must have been for the health of thei mother and for themselves, and how that must have affected their whole later life. It is actually mentioned in the book that the oldest of the children was very reserved around other people, so the writer does acknowledge the impact their abusive father must have had on them, even though at that time domestic violence was tolerated to some extent and even thought of as normal. The description of domestic violence - both mental and physical - and how a person might react to it is very vivid, uncensored and real in this novel. It was actually noted by the grandson of the writer that some of the events in the novel are heavily influenced by the experiences of Maria Jotuni herself in her own marriage. This is not hard to believe, because the violent episodes of Eero are extremely well described, even down to facial expressions and noises he makes. Looking at Eero’s behavior, knowing what we know now about mental illnesses, he was probably sick just like Lea (and occasionally he himself) thought. However, in the 1930′s people knew next to nothing about mental illnesses, so getting treatment was impossible. Even though Eero is truly horrible to Lea in this novel, his episodes of deep melancholy and violent highs might be symptoms of the bipolar disorder for example, and because of this I do feel sorry for Eero as well. He was probably having quite bad, unsolvable problems with himself that he (and nobody else at that time) didn’t really understand. Lea, however, tried. I feel in a way this book is not only about a violent marriage, but also about coping with a mental illness, even if the writer didn’t know it back when she wrote it. It’s been over 80 years since this book was written, and the themes it discusses are still significant and easy to relate to. This is one of the reasons I think this book is truly amazing and so ahead of its time.

In summary I could say that this book is one of the best descriptions of coping with violence and an unstable person I have ever read. It also discusses quite pleasantly the many variants of a parent-child relationship. The main theme of the novel is the encounter of good and evil (or love and hate) in the form of Lea and Eero, and how the bad deeds of one person can effect so many - and on the other hand, how one good deed can heal so much. This book also reminds the reader how resilient people can be, and how far we are willing to bend for those we love. It’s a 10/10 for me, truly one of the best novels I’ve ever encountered.

[victoryzen]

That kind of day

It's going to be that kind of day. Last 2-3 days, medium sf Red Bull @start. Today, NO RED BULL. Also, currently out of stock on the One-A-Day vitamins w/ caffeine. It's just me and a few cans of good ol' fashioned Diet Coke, thx to my mother (a fellow addict / habitual Diet Coke drinker). One and part of another can went into my tumbler w/ a couple pieces of ice; i put the leftovers in the fridge. My two nice LARGE Nalgene bottles walked... one w/ my son after he moved out last November; the other w/ my most recent roommate. Hoping I'm wrong, and i find at least one in the back of my lower cabinet or something. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm wrong. 🙄 I dusted off a small set of freecycled shelves (scored yesterday) and moved them into the office. Next is a tall cabinet w/ mirrored door. My big sister, Dania, and I are meeting this evening to work on Chagall (my profoundly overdue undergraduate thesis). She helps me stay on task & it really helps me to be able to bounce ideas & changes off her verbally as I'm working. At some point in the future, I WILL have something akin to a completed essay to submit to my now-retired professor, who has generously agreed to read for me & recommend a grade to the art department, which will allow me to officially complete my senior seminar course, and thus my Bachelors Degree in Art History. (I walked during commencement in Spring of 2014 w/ my peers, as neither my professors nor I foresaw the events contributing to stalls, delays, etc.) It has honestly taken me a great deal of determination to refrain from hiring someone to do my work for me. However, as a library tech, and w/ the intent to move forward in the field of Library Science, I've observed an impeccably high standard of ethics in my supervisors over the years, which inspires me to retain my integrity & keep my own academic & professional standards high. As a mother & at times home-school teacher, I've taught my son & his friends to keep their standards high, giving them many reasons to always do their own work & get the most out of their education. I could not let them down by being a hypocrite, and will not. I DO want to demonstrate my new-found analytical and research skills in order to earn my degree. I WAS under a tremendous deal of pressure that last semester, as a parent and family member trying to manage my own mental health issues, my son's severe depression, and my younger sister's mental health & emotional issues. It's very hard to focus on academic work when you're getting through that kind of season; your energies are with your loved ones, and neglect could literally take their lives. I believe I had my priorities in order, and I'm proud of my son & sister & myself at the time, for getting through all that. But it will feel SO GOOD to complete my thesis, earn a passing grade, and graduate officially, once & for all! I feel like I'm not mentally alert and that makes me feel frustrated and sluggish. Not as bad as it can get, though. More d. Coke... I should put some music on but can't think of what to play, maybe Rubber Soul! Great idea. Where's my album/cd/digital copy??? Frickity-Frick, prolly on my laptop vs my iPhone grrr - annoyed w/ state of being in between technologies- not quite to all-music-in-a-cloud; not willing to pay for Spotify pandora YouTube red Apple Music etc etc subscriptions; cds no longer organized & handy; record player still in my room vs living room... first world problems!!! All I want to do is blast some Beatles & clean! My friends' music makes me want to write songs or poetry... or I get distracted by my own mental curiosity abt various aspects of their creative processes because I can't NOT. At least I turned off the tv... goodbye for now, Property Brothers! I love you! And all the people on HGTV! I'll be back someday to watch reruns on repeat & attempt to improve my own home w/ all the clever tips I pick up from you! I at least need to change into something less comfortable to go meet Dania @PaneraBread in 2 hours. Where did my day go? And why does it feel more satisfying to blog here instead of writing long hand in my journal for my morning pages?! A la #ArtistsWay I set this blog up in order to not overwhelm my friendships and family relationships with unnecessary detail, the kind of detail you share with a spouse when you're married to someone and live together but not the kind of detail you share if you want to have healthy happy relationships with other people in your life, ever! Unless you want to be considered an inane narcissist. So yes I really just wanted to make this blog super boring and get things out of my system so that I can be a better listener to my loved ones and my head is not so full of junk that I can't hear anyone else because I have to focus so hard to simply function in the most basic of ways. If anyone actually reads this I would be so curious about why, simply because it is merely useful to me and not intended to entertain - unless reading about someone else's very boring life and problems is entertaining to someone! I suppose I have enough curiosity – or solitude – to be interested in the boring details of others lives, but I'm not interested in the boring details of my own life, only in getting things done and learning to not beat myself up for the innumerable untouched items on my to-do lists. #survivor #dork #stuck #perfectionist #happytoboreyou