#maybe ill add it. tomorrow. later today. whatever

[spnexploration]

Pack chapter 22

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Madison

Series summary: Omega!Reader is thrown into a world she's not expecting when her mate turns out to be a hunter, and she's not used to Alpha & Omega Pack dynamics.

Chapter summary: The morning after your night alone.

Chapter warnings: reader self-conscious including about her body, but nothing particularly detailed

Word count: 2.6k (long one!)

A/N: I forgot to add the last chapter to the masterlist when I posted it, which I have now done. Sorry about that! Make sure you read it first.

This fulfils the nesting square of my 2023 SPN AU bingo.

Series masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 21 <- -> Part 23

“Good morning Y/N, how’d you sleep?” Sam asked as I trudged into the kitchen.

I just groaned in response.

He chuckled, “You really are perfect for Dean. There's fresh coffee if you'd like some.” I nodded and he fetched me a cup.

I was halfway through before I thought of sharing my news. “Dean messaged me when he got to Claire, at like 3am.”

“Yeah, he messaged me too. He said he's going to work the case with her today, then decide if they stay for tomorrow. I think he realises she'll rebel even more if he dismisses her work.”

I nodded, focused back on my coffee.

“So what are we doing today?” I asked when I was feeling more awake.

“That’s up to you. We can do some more lore if you'd like, you can spend the day reading or watching TV, or you can put yourself in Madison's hands and let her go crazy keeping you entertained.”

I laughed. “Maybe we can do some lore and then I'll see if I'm up for Madi entertainment.”

“Good choice. Grab some breakfast and then meet me in the library. I'll fill Mads in when she's out of the shower.”

---

Sam had me try reading some lore myself and try to make sense of it, all related to the topics we'd covered yesterday. I didn't realise how complicated killing monsters was!

After a while I was feeling tired and run down, so I headed off to Dean's room for a nap. It was probably just the poor sleep I’d had last night without Dean around. I snuggled into his pillow and fell asleep instantly.

---

I woke later. I was not feeling better. I felt so cold, but I was drenched in sweat. My joints ached, it was hard to move them at all.

It took a lot of effort, but I made it to the door finally. I was going to call out for Sam and Madi, hope that they had medication for whatever illness must've struck me down.

I opened the door but felt out of breath with the effort of crossing the room. I had to get my breath back before I could call out.

Suddenly, I heard hurried footsteps.

“Y/N?” Sam called, sounding worried. “We're coming.”

How did he know I needed him?

He rounded the corner a few seconds later, Madison hot on his heels.

“I think I'm sick,” I wheezed out.

“Omega, you're in heat,” he said gently. “I smelt it as soon as you opened the door.”

“But this feels- I've never felt like I was dying before!” I started to fall as I used up all my energy complaining. Sam quickly caught me and carried me back to Dean's bed. Now that he said it, I could feel slick gathering between my legs, but given how much sweat I was covered in, I hadn't really noticed before.

His phone started ringing. It said 'Claire Novak’ on the caller ID.

He answered and put it on speaker, “Hey Claire.”

“Sam! Dean just went into a rut and he is fucking mental! What the hell do I do?!”

I thanked my lucky stars that my body had settled on Dean, that our cycles had aligned. But now I just had to get to him, to be claimed. I shivered. What if my heat finished before I got to him?

“First, tell him Y/N is in heat,” Sam said to Claire. “It will reassure him some.”

“Sam says Y/N is in heat,” she said slightly muffled, like she'd turned the phone away. “He's growling, hang on.”

There were some strange noises and then Dean’s voice, much lower than normal, “Omega?”

“I'm here Alpha,” I managed.

“You... ok?” he sounded like speaking was hard for him.

“Yeah, I'll be ok.” I didn't want to tell him how unwell I felt.

Sam gave me a knowing look and said, “Alpha, can you put Claire back on? I'm going to work with her to get you two together.” Dean growled slightly throughout, but the sounds of the phone passing happened again.

“Sam?” Claire asked. “He didn't say anything, he just gave me the phone back.”

“Ok,” Sam continued, “The next thing you do is that you submit to him. If you start challenging him when he is in an unfilled rut, away from the Omega he is yet to claim, he is going to go feral. I recommend calling him 'Alpha’ and barring your neck if he gets antsy.”

“Great,” she deadpanned. The teenage sass was practically dripping.

“And then you get him back here, as fast as you can.”

“What about the case?” she asked petulantly.

“Claire, I promise, we will help you on this case. But this is literally the second time he has gone into a rut after finding his mate, their mating has already been threatened by factors outside their control. They cannot miss this opportunity. Plus I’ve got an Omega here who’s about to go through the worst heat of her life, she needs him.”

I gulped at Sam’s words.

“Ok, I get it. Sorry. I’ll get him back.”

“Thanks Claire.”

“Bye.”

Sam hung up and turned to me. “It's gonna be a while before they can get here, so we need to get you comfortable.”

“What- what if he doesn’t?”

“That's not going to happen. You've only just gone into heat, and even your normal heat probably lasts longer than one day?” I nodded. “This one is likely to be longer, and worse. Dean got to Claire in about half a day. There is plenty of time, Omega.”

I sniffled and he stroked my hair gently.

“How about we get you some painkillers and a cool bath or shower to try and drop this fever a bit, and then Madi can stay with you. I don't think you're going to want to be around another Alpha too much, but I'll help with the cooling down because I don't think you can hold yourself up right now. Does that sound ok?”

I nodded, too tired and achey to reply.

“I'm going to take off some of your clothes, ok?” I half-heartedly nodded. “Omega, I need your words. I'm not going to do anything you don't consent to.”

“Yes,” I mumbled.

“Ok, thank you.” He started to pull Dean's flannel off me and I whined. “I know, I know, we’ll get back to Dean’s scent as soon as we can. Now, bath or shower?”

I shrugged. He kept gently removing my clothes until I was in just my underwear. I wished he was Dean. Partway through Madi had brought me painkillers and water, but I didn't feel any better yet. Everything ached and every so often I shivered, although Sam assured me I was actually hot.

“I'm going to carry you to the bathroom, ok?” I nodded and he lifted me up bridal style. I leant my head on his shoulder and, whilst he smelled reassuringly like Pack, I just wanted Dean. I started to cry.

“I know, I know,” he murmured reassuringly. “We’re gonna get Dean back as fast as we can, ok? And you're gonna feel a bit better soon. You're gonna be ok.”

He made it to the bathroom where Madi was standing next to the full bath. “Ready?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I mumbled.

He went to his knees and lowered me into the water. It felt strange at first and I clung to Sam's neck, but after a few moments it felt better and I let go of him.

“Now, ordinarily we'd leave you alone, but I don't think you're well enough for that right now.”

I nodded. I felt too weak to do much more, which was probably Sam's point.

Madi wet a face washer and put it on my forehead. I lay back and closed my eyes. I was starting to feel a little bit better. My joints weren't aching quite as much.

I relaxed.

“Hey, hey,” Sam said, tapping my face. I didn't know how much time had passed. “No falling asleep in the bath.” I blearily opened my eyes and tried to glare at him. He chuckled, “I'm not about to let you drown in our own house.”

I started to get uncomfortable, trying to find a way to position myself. And the water was starting to feel cold. Sam must've noticed my fidgeting as he said, “How about we get you out?” I nodded. “You wanna try standing up?” I nodded again and he reached in, lifting me out and gently placing me on my feet on the mat. Madi wrapped me in a towel.

I was still too sore to do much other than whimper as Madi dried me off. It was like having the worst case of flu ever.

Slick flooded out of me into my wet undies and down my legs. I saw Sam's nostrils flare as he smelled it, and he swallowed thickly.

“Are- are you ok?” I asked him, suddenly worried that he might be unable to control his reactions.

“Yes, sorry I scared you. I'm not going to hurt you. The scent of Omega in heat is just a bit, uh, overwhelming to Alpha senses. But it's fine,” he said with a reassuring smile.

I felt like I knew what he meant. His Alpha smell was starting to get overpowering. I scrunched my nose up a little as I smelled him and he chuckled.

“I think you're entering the horny phase of heat,” Madi observed wryly. “Let's get you back to your room and we can kick Sam out before you start scratching him for getting too close to you.” Sam laughed.

“Huh?”

“I might have clawed Dean when he came into the kitchen and surprised me when I was in heat one time,” she said with a smirk. “He was literally just walking past but I, uh, reacted with claws before my brain engaged. Anyway, enough about me, I think you're dry enough.”

“Are you ok if I pick you up again?” Sam asked me.

I was still feeling weak and shaky, so I nodded. He lifted me into his arms and my skin started to crawl. I didn't like Sam touching me, he was wrong, wrong!

“It's ok, I'm going to put you down and leave in just a sec,” he murmured. I was holding myself tense, probably having my facial expressions tell the story of my discomfort.

I suddenly realised I was starting to growl.

I couldn't stop.

He placed me on Dean's bed and hastily backed away. I grabbed Dean's flannel and rubbed it over my face, utterly enthralled with its scent.

“Message me if you need anything,” he said to Madi. “I'll keep you in the loop if I hear anything from Claire or Dean.”

He left. I stopped growling.

“Alright, let's get you out of those wet things,” Madi said.

I tried to reach behind me to unclasp my bra, but my arms were too weak to undo it. I started to cry, scared and annoyed about what was happening to me.

Madi sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my back. “I promise, it'll get better. I think you're feeling rubbish right now partly because of your massive fever, and partly because you're away from your mate. When Dean gets here, I promise it will get better.”

“Omega biology sucks.”

“Oh, so much! Ruts look way easier to get through than the shit we have to put up with.”

“Was it like this for you? I didn't expect to feel this much like I’d been hit by a truck.”

“No, I had Sam with me. So whilst I felt bad when it started, we pretty quickly got to dealing with it. And it sucks you don't have Dean, but he is on his way. You just gotta hang in there for a bit longer.”

I sniffled. More slick flooded out of me, for no apparent reason, and I felt weirdly like my skin was missing something. I started to fidget, trying to work out what I was feeling.

“Ok, ok, before you get all antsy, let's get you in fresh clothes.” I’d almost forgotten my bra and undies were wet from the bath, so distracted by the various painful and strange sensations from my body. I let Madi help me out of them and into a pair of summer pyjamas.

I grabbed Dean's flannel again, rubbing it over me. Then I smelled his pillow, bringing that to me too. I tried to wrap them around me, whining when it wouldn't work.

“You ever built a nest before, Y/N?”

“Huh?”

“I think you’re trying to nest. Hang on,” she pulled out her phone and tapped away at it.

 I couldn't focus on what she was doing, I was too busy trying to work out what to do with Dean's things. I'd positioned myself over his side of the bed, throwing back the covers so I could smell it better. I kept moving his pillow and his flannel around, but it just wouldn't do what I wanted. I was starting to shiver again, and Madison held her hand to my forehead.

“Fuck,” she muttered, “you're burning up again.”

A few moments later there was a knock at the door and Sam pushed a laundry basket of clothes in. I growled at him. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help it. He quickly shut the door.

I finally smelt the clothes, now that Sam's wrongness had gone. Dean!! I reached out weakly to the basket and Madi picked it up and brought it to me.

“I asked Sam to get all of the clothes out of the hamper that were yours or Dean's and smelled like Dean. I thought you might like to use them in your nest.”

I purred at her and set about arranging the clothes. I don't think I've ever purred in my life.

I had to admit, now that I was putting things where they felt most right, I was clearly making a nest on the bed. I was surrounding myself in Dean's scent, picking up each item and carefully deciding where exactly to put it.

Once it was done, I tried to position myself in it. It wasn't big enough. It wasn't quite right. I wanted Dean!! I whined.

My skin was feeling strange again. I tried to scratch it to make myself feel better. But it wasn't quite itchy? It was something else. I rubbed it. Yes, that was better. But it still wasn't right.

I moved my hands around on my body. It felt a bit better. But not enough. Now I was getting frustrated that it wasn't feeling better enough.

I whined again.

“Where are your toys?” Madi asked me.

“What toys?”

“Sex toys. Can't you tell you’re getting super horny?”

Oh. Maybe that's why my skin felt weird. And why it didn't feel like the right touching. It didn't feel like normal arousal, and I’d been so distracted by everything else, I hadn't even recognised it.

I moved my hands lower. I slipped my fingers under the waistband of my shorts and approached my clit. Fuck it was sensitive right now!

I tried to get Dean's scent. I tried to find the best way to be in my nest. I tried to rub myself, but it felt like trying to tickle yourself. I wasn’t getting anywhere. My skin was crawling again and my joints were aching. I was so annoyed!

Madi appeared in front of me. I had forgotten all about her. She held out her hand.

“Try this,” she said as she handed me a vibrator. “Trust me.”

.

.

.

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[cursedfortune]

I am putting my thoughts on Mortem, witches and timey bullshit - specifically parallel universe/alt versions of herself.

Across the span of Mortem's extended universe (aka, from her world to all the other 'Earths' out there) the one ability that is considered taboo is time oriented. There is a specific species that naturally is intuitive with time (and space, by extension) but it heavily regarded as a thing that requires care. A prime example being that time moving normally on Mortem's world can span 40k years, whereas time that was abused on Nes's world now is busted and will be 40 years only in passing. Which adds to Mortem knowing Nes as a young adult and 40 years later (on Nes's world), and being in heavy isolation on her own world for 40k. The difference in who Nes knew early in life is vastly different from who Nes ends up meeting all those years later (and why Mortem was borderline maddened).

There is a lot of timey stuff that occurs on different worlds because time is a very human thing. It's very important. Moving forward in time, moving back in time, abusing time by restarting things until the outcome someone wants occurs, birthing into existence the memories lost to time, etc. There are moments of parallel times that overlap, which is the main topic here.

Witches can't be perceived out of a single moment in time. The Mortem you know today could be fundamentally different than the Mortem you know tomorrow. Maybe her morality pendulum ends up swinging from neutral to villainous. She could be an observer turned destroyer. How she is perceiving information and context matters even more-so for witches, because they aren't just a mortal species. They are forces of nature with souls, embodying a purpose. And while they lead lives, their lives are based around that purpose.

If a witch is ever in that situation it is important they never engage with their other self. If that other self (or even their current self) can stabilize and exist without either breaking things or merging the two like a file that is getting updated. What determines that, I think, is what the context is. As usual. Because every witch is so individual in their design and purpose, it already is making shit difficult for a witch to exist with timey nonsense like alternate versions - because alternate versions can't really exist. It's always the one witch. Which is why I can't actual parallel universe stuff and only can play with moving forward (the potential of a person) and backwards (the history of a person).

Also, because witches come in different 'sizes' with their purposes, they are going to all have different reactions if such a thing should occur.

Considering Mortem's entire shtick is 'the potential of life and entropy', and how open she is in her perception because of it, it's likely the current Mortem would overwrite past and future variations and merge. Past get overwritten because she is so committed to her choices, for good or ill. The future is overwritten so that she can either get the perception of all the potential of her future self holds, or to remove her own self from the ongoing 'game' to remove potential threats to her perception when it comes to discerning a situation unfolding.

It's a very literal cannibalization of oneself, which I think suits her. I associate Mortem with cannibalism themes as much as I associate her with animals of whatever kind, which is to say, barely. Since she isn't human, if she eats a part of someone of drinks their blood it isn't for symbolic purposes ever but a power play to tether her more strongly to them. For you know, the purpose of interrogation or killing them quickly or horribly. Funny enough, Mortem would view cannibalism of a version of herself the same way. It's a power play, there's nothing symbolic to it. The force of what she is already carries the symbolism and representation, the actions she takes less so.

Which is also why I am so often keeping things separate with au's or with mutuals. The context of who she knows in one situation can be changed by another coming in - as well as depending on the situation or au. So I like to talk it out to understand what a partner wants when it involves time or variations of their muse or doing group threads/plots.

Witches are mini reality warpers in her canon. They are a blend of mortal and immortal. They are a sentient construct. And with Mortem, energy is her entire deal. Potential is a form of energy, entropy is a form of energy, souls are comprised of energy, one's will is energy, all magic is energy - just like life and death and everything in between is energy-based. If something is preventing Mortem from achieving her purpose, there is no 'I give up' or 'I'll find a way around'. She will work and manifest a solution through it.

Not in the sense that Mortem will be like, "This dude is in my way." *manifests a gun* type of reality warping here. But she absolutely can forge a spell that has specifics in mind to behave similarly, if need be. And I intentionally use the word 'forge' because my witches are a blend of science and magic, so it isn't just 'I decided and use magic to make it happen'. But more-so, 'I decided and now will blacksmith a spell with my will and energy to manifest what i need to alter reality - and if i need magic to fuel the spell, I will use it'.

So all in all, this messy explanation is me basically saying, "You'll never see two Mortems." because chances are the current version cannibalized any other existing variation that potentially existed the moment she felt her other's presence. Time said, "Have two." and then time went, "Oh fuck wait-" and Mortem said, "I got this." Mortem has a violent sentient virus overwriting files aka herself is never not going to be funny to me. But it's also pretty accurate to view witches as the fantasy variation to a computer virus I guess.

[cherri-cherri]

× Little moments ×

-----------×-----------

Pairings - Sukuna x Dying!Reader

Synopsis - Even with you gone, Sukuna remembers all of the memories of you.

Warnings - Story contains Character Death, possible misspelled words, cursing, and triggers to those who have encountered someone dying from a diseases such as cancer.

A/N: There was a headcanon that I just thought was too juicy to not try out where Sukuna had a lover but they were unfortunately lost to an sickness. So here we go, I hope you all enjoy it.

--------------------------------------

It was always the little moments that counted when with the one you loved the most...

"Why do you not run, Woman?", a rough voice said behind her with a slight chuckle following in suit. Before the woman was the vision of death that would no doubt be burned into her mind for the rest of her life. Houses burning down into ashen shambles as the smell of burning flesh lingered in the air. Bodies littered the streets with crows hovering over the corpses for their next meal while screams and shouting could be heard from various survivors and victims caught in the destruction.

Yet as much as the sight of her village horrified her, nothing frightened the woman most than that of the sharp claws hovering over her throat, threatening to pierce into her flesh any moment now. "I said," she felt a small prick as the nail of the stranger's index finger slowly scratched the surface of her skin, "Why do you not run? Why do you not beg..?"

Her breath hitched in her throat, gasping a little but she did her best to not flinch in the man's grasp. "I-I'm doomed to die either way, dying here by your hand would mean no differently..so I am prepared to die", she said, closing her eyes as she braced herself for her untimely end. Hearing a guttural sound coming from the man, the woman was spun around to face him and her fears only grew worse.

Yes, the attack on the village could have possibly be that of bandits or a lone man causing chaos but this was no man. No..it was a monster. Four muscular arms, two faces attached to his head, a second mouth on his lower abdomen...This man was a beast, no..he was a curse. The king of curses, the terror of the land, Ryomen Sukuna.

Seeing the dread on her face, Sukuna let out a satisfied chuckle as he roughly gripped onto her chin. "You mean to tell me you don't fear death, woman?"

"No, no I fear it. I'm frightened of the thought— but I'm dying anyway. I have only a year's worse of time left before this sickness claims me, so what's the difference if it's by your hand or not.." she spoke honestly from the heart, surprising the man before her only a tad bit as she looked down to the gravel below. No one had a cure for her illness, there was no hope at all for it, even a few doctors had told her to prepare a grave in advance just in case her death came sooner than expected. It would be unfortunate but she had made peace with knowing the end was near. And so, she waited once more for whatever gruesome fate Sukuna had for her...only to hear,

"No."

"What?" She questioned, looking back up at the man who towered over her. "This will not be the day you die."

That was the first moment she had encountered the king of curses, the moment he had spared her life. Why he did, she never understood, yet after that faithful encounter, Sukuna always found her. Perhaps he visited her only out of boredom and figured today would be the day he would kill the woman, but no, he never did.

To Sukuna, Y/N was a curious case. At first, she was a mere game to him to keep him entertained for a bit or to gain a meal or two but the more he visited her, the closer he grew to the woman. She would always ask the same question whenever she saw him,

"Is today the day, Sukuna-Sama?" And she would always ask it with such a calm smile on her lips. It irritated him—no, annoyed him that she didn't fear the looming threat of death with each visit he made. What made it worse was how welcoming the girl was to him.

He came to learn things about Y/N. The first was that she was a firm believer in her worship. Even with the motor functions of her legs growing weaker and weaker by the day, the girl would try to make a daily trip to the local temple for prayer. Once, he caught her passed out on the steps to the temple and when questioning her on why she was so desperate to prey, the only answer he received was "It may seem stupid to you but I'm grateful for the life I have, even if it's so short. They've allowed air and life to see and hear and to be here with you..so paying my respects every day is just hope that maybe tomorrow, I get to see you again." And then she smiled to him. That same irritating damning smile...

It strung a place in his chest that he had not felt in a long time. A place he thought was long shriveled up and killed, yet she brought it out. He learned that she loved flowers. Coming to her home once to find her tending to her garden, looking surprised to see him only to greet him like always, cheerful dirt covered smile and all..."Welcome back, Sukuna-Sama. Is today the day?"

Eventually the garden withered away when Y/N couldn't even step through the front door. He saw how almost every day, she grew weaker and steadily weaker. Her beautiful skin slowly dulling away into a pale color, her hair once lush and fine as silk now fallen out and gone, her breaths slow and timid. But she always greeted him with that same way as always..

"Is today the day?"

"Is today the day, Sukuna-Sama"

"S-sukuna..Sama..."

He hated it. He hated that some frail woman was able to make him feel such pathetic feelings. He hated the fact that he grew attached to her and now seeing her slowly become nothing but a husk as every sun sets was growing unbearable.

There were days to where Y/N's condition grew worse, to where when Sukuna arrived to see her, she couldn't remember who he was. Her coughing fits had her spew blood onto her hands and her body ached in pain so much. She was not long for this world and he knew it...he knew it.

"Sukuna-Sama...please, please..." He was above her as she laid in her bed, his hand cover her left one as her right palm caressed his cheek gently "is today..t-the day..?"

His heart felt like it was slowly being grounded up into bits as he started into her eyes. He wanted to say no, he wanted for her to stay just a bit longer in his embrace and yet that wasn't possible. Not in her state. Lifting her hand up to his lips, Sukuna stood up from her knee as a sigh escaped his lips.

"Yes..Today is the day, Y/N."

And there was that same smile as always. Weakly stretching across her cheeks with no malice or anger, not even a single trace of regret. "Oh good...Finally...." closing her eyes, Y/N prepared herself for the end yet again but now knowing this time it would surely come. As Sukuna's nails extended a bit, preparing to end the woman, he heard her last words and froze.

"Thank you, Sukuna-Sama...thank you for these little moments..."

He sat there for God knows how long, staring at her corpse laying there peacefully on the bed with a gaping hole in her chest. Blood dribbled down Y/N's now cold and chapped lips, the warmth in her body now gone as well as the life that once flowed through the empty shell of a body. Resting below his feet was a heart, her heart, no longer pumping fresh blood through her body but instead laying motionless on the wooden floor. She was gone.

She was finally gone and yet this feeling remained. This horrible feeling in his own heart. Those memories of her were constantly playing on loop, over and over again with the same words in his mind.

'Is today the day, Sukuna-Sama'.

He screamed out her name. He yelled it for all to hear, anguish filling his soul entirely as he uttered her name. He cursed her. He screamed out her name so many times and cursed her for placing him through such hell. He cursed her..for being the woman he loved. The woman he grew to love and yet she would never know. Perhaps he truly didnt mean those words, but hoped by cursing her, Y/N would return.

That she would awaken in his arms and give him that same smile he came to love. But no, it wouldn't have been that simple. She wasn't coming back..she wasn't coming back....

A thousand years have gone by and yet those little moments echoed in his mind. As he stood before the grave of his true love in the body of his vessel, he remember those words he said to him before she gave her last breath–

'Thank you..'

"No. I should've thanked you, Y/N. Rest well..."

--------------------------------

[A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this. This is my first fanfic here on tumblr and well, I like it but I want more. I might make more following this concept of a lover of Sukuna, maybe even do little scenes that I wasnt able to add here in the fic.

I'm open for asks and requests of Characters from jjk like Sukuna, Gojou or Megumi to which I'll make a post about later. Feel free to Message me with any questions on it if you like or follow for an update down the line. Thank you guys and again and please like/reblog this. See you in the next fic -🍒]

[thiswasinevitableid]

1. Siren Indruck NSFW, Duck is hauling supplies for the small town of Kepler on a tiny boat. Due to dangerous storms, Duck takes a longer but safer and less traversed route. He doesn’t know he’ll be passing through a Siren’s territory. A siren who is looking for a strong and sturdy mate

Here you go!

Duck never tells anyone what he finds on the beach that day. 

He’s fourteen, looking for useful flotsam and jetsam tossed onto the sand by an ongoing storm. What he finds is an empty boat and a merman, silvery tail impaled with a spear in a piece of driftwood. Each time he tries to free himself, he winces and is unable to pull the weapon from his body. When he sees Duck, his red eyes widen and he bares sharp teeth in a hiss. 

“It’s okay” the boy kneels in the bloody sand, “I ain’t gonna hurt you. Or, uh, this’ll hurt for a sec, but it’ll be better than tryin to ease it out bit by bit.” He grabs the end of the fishing spear and pulls. The merman shrieks, quickly clamping his hands across his mouth as Duck pulls his handkerchief from his pocket to bandage the wound. 

“There, you should be able to-”

The creature is gone with a whip of his tail, sliding down the sand and into the waves. As Duck stands, a strange song floats from the foam for the briefest instant. A seasoned sailor can tell a siren from a normal mer on sight; Duck has never been to sea. It’s weeks later that he wonders what events resulted in the wounded siren and an empty boat. 

-------------------------------

Any other day, Duck would put off this run until the black clouds no longer hung over the horizon. But the supply run last week didn’t come, so the isolated, coastal town of Kepler is running low on, among other things, the medicine needed to treat an illness spreading from house to house. He could put this off until tomorrow, but he won’t sleep well tonight if he does.

The boat loaded, he starts out to sea under unfriendly skies. Today is a day to follow the coastline and then circle Greenbriar Island to reach Kepler, rather than trying for a straight shot.  It’ll double his travel time, but it’s far safer in a storm and no one but a few locals know how to navigate it. Duck takes this route once or twice most years. This summer alone he’s had to take it six times, with today making a seventh. The abnormal number of storms weighs on the minds of coastal residents. Duck tries not to obsess over it, given that it’s solidly out of his control and there’s no use fussing over wind and rain; there’s only getting through them. 

Halfway through his journey, a rogue swell catches the underside of the boat and drags it along a rock, springing a leak in the hull. He ties off on a thin spire of stone, clambering onto a rock to try and repair the damage. It’s not a big leak, but it’ll be trouble if he lets it go. 

As he’s laying awkwardly with water lapping up his legs, a human head rises from the water a few feet from him. Silver hair, red eyes and, when it smiles, very sharp teeth. Harmless mermaids have teeth much like his own, which means he’s alone in the ocean with a fucking siren.

Duck’s learned many things since that day on the beach; how a song can paralyze a man better than poison, how the bite marks on the skin of certain bodies that wash ashore are called siren kisses

The siren begins swimming closer. Duck sighs, “If you’re gonna drown and eat me, can you do it on the way back?”

Red eyes blink, confused, but the siren stays where he is. 

“If I don’t make it to Kepler, lotta folks’ll get sick, some will even die. And I don’t think you got much use for medicine and canned food.”

The siren shakes his head. 

“Glad you understand.” Duck finishes his repairs under watchful eyes. At one point, the siren swims all the way to the rock Duck is perched on, resting his chin on his hands, as if enjoying the view. 

Duck scrambles back into the boat the moment he’s done, but no cold fingers try for his ankles and no splash announces something lunging upwards after him. A cautious glance as he starts the engine finds the siren sitting on the rock, silver-blue tail still half in the water. When he notices Duck looking, he waves. 

The rest of the journey goes as planned, the relief on folks faces when Duck docks worth the peril. When he reaches the siren’s territory on his return, no song tempts him. A lithe shape keeps pace with the boat, fin breaking the surface now and then. When he hits open water, the siren turns back, disappearing from view. 

-----------------------

There are sex dreams, and then there’s whatever the fuck Duck is having right now. Fingers stroke his hair, cling to his shoulders. Kisses coat his face and a voice whispers his name as the speaker offers themself to him again and again. He sees himself tangled with a man, face always just out of focus, who spreads his legs and lips so Duck can sink himself into the heat of his body. The dream is endless and he doesn’t care, doesn’t ever want to wake up. 

Saltwater in his lungs renders that desire useless. He snaps back to consciousness as another wave hits him; he’s up to his neck  in the cove below his house. 

“The fuck?” It’s only his footprints visible in the moonlight in the sand, so no one dumped him here. 

“Oh dear.”

“Jesus!” Duck stumbles back as glowing eyes peer around a rock. It’s the siren from yesterday, swimming purposefully as Duck wades backwards. 

“Look, uh, when I said I wanted you to wait to eat me, I wasn’t bein serious. Or, uh, I was, but I meant I didn’t want to be eaten ever, not just then. It was a, uh, a joke.”

“I am aware.” The siren stops as Duck topples on his ass in the shallow water, “and I am sorry. I, ah, I did not mean to lure you from your bed. I was not aware my mindless singing was enough to wake you. In most futures, you slept until dawn.”

“Uh huh, sure, because sirens are known to just serenade folks without wanting to drown ‘em.” 

“We do it more often than you might think.” The siren sighs, “I came here to keep you safe, and succeeded only in making you afraid.”

Duck, having scooted inelegantly onto dry land, watches the tan upper body of the siren sag. It’s awkward, a word not associated with this kind of mer. That suggests he’s telling the truth. 

“You gonna tell me why you’re playin watchdog at my house?” 

The siren chirps, intrigued, “In all but one future you told me to go away.”

“That’d just leave me with more questions. And so far, you ain’t done anythin other’n watch me; if you say this was an accident, I’m willin to hear you out.”

“Wonderful!” The siren claps his hands together and the tip of his tail flips out of the water. Then he clears his throat and recites, “I am known as Indrid Cold. As you noticed, I am a siren. I am also a gifted seer, artist, and lifeguard when humans are unconscious and thus will not try to kill me for rescuing them. I am an excellent fisher, and well-liked and/or feared by the larger creatures of this coastline. This is why I think I would be an excellent mate.”

“O-kay. Did you call me out here to practice your personals ad?” Duck smirks, charmed by Indrids earnest tone.

“This is not practice. I did a great deal of that earlier today. This is my formal declaration that I would very much like you to be my mate.”

“Ma--hold on.” The images from his near-fatal dream return, “were you singin’ to hit on me?”

Indrid crosses his arms, “For the last time, that song was not for you. It was about you, because I was daydreaming and my formless melody unintentionally conveyed the contents of said daydream into your mind.”

“So everythin in it, all that wild fuckin stuff, that’s stuff you wanna do with me?”

A nod, accompanied by a flash of white light under the water. 

“Why?”

“Because you are strong, and handsome, and capable on the water. I watched your futures yesterday and today and saw you are kind as well, well-liked by other humans but a little lonely at night. You are very nice to that small land-otter that lives in your house.”

“You mean the cat?”

“That’s the word! Yes, you are nice to your cat. You are not brash or cruel, and you look so very nice without a shirt. I...I like you, Duck. You are everything I want in a mate.”

“Feel like I might be missin’ some gills and fins.” He jokes to cover the fact he’s scanning his mind and body for the same dreamy lull he felt during the song. What he finds in it’s place is his ego purring from praise and wondering exactly what a siren would do for his mate.

“There is no rule that says I must choose only my own kind for such activities. I, ah, I know it is strange, given how little we know of each other, but I thought that, ah, since humans will have casual sex with each other maybe we could, or, ah, that is…” He’s watching Duck with such unconcealed hope that the human almost joins him in the water.

“Indrid, I’m real flattered. But I’d be a damn fool if I didn’t point out this feels like a fuckin trap. Pretty easy for you to drag me to my death once we’re, uh, in the middle of things. Not that I’m sayin you would.” He adds when the sirens smile dims. 

“A sensible concern. May I join you on land for a moment? There is something I want to show you.”

Duck pats the sand beside him, eyes following the ripples of Indrid’s tail as he swims, slithers, and slides onto the beach. It reminds Duck of an oarfish, though when Indrid spies him looking the scales flash deep purple. 

“Look there” Indrid points toward the end of the silver ribbon of scales; a round, white scar stares up at Duck. The details of a day over two decades in the past return to him.

“You’re the siren I found when I was a kid.”

“Indeed. I remember you by your eyes, though your face has some echoes of that day in it’s curves. You saved my life, showed me mercy when I expected none. Sirens do not forget a favor, and we do not kill those who once spared us. I will never harm you, even if you turn me away tonight. You will be safe, whether that is in my arms or merely in my territory.”

Duck avoids the stranger sides of life by the sea, citing a lifelong incompatibility with the weird. Turns out all he needed to find his exception to that rule is a handsome siren looking at him like he set the tides in motion. 

The human runs a finger up the sirens tail, sparks of purple and pale blue light igniting in it’s wake. 

“Didn’t know y’all changed colors.” He pets Indrid’s hip and the whole tail lights up this time. 

“I am a deep-sea siren by birth, we use light to communicate emotions.”

“Mind, uh, loopin me in on the conversation?”

“Purple means desire. It’s a common color in mating displays.” Indrid watches Duck’s hand  glide along his scales, and a burst of pale blue reflects across their faces. 

“And that one?”

“Submission.” Indrid murmurs, “it is, ah, not the most desirable color to show. My kind value strength and power; enjoying the opposite is an invitation to mockery.” The siren’s eyes stay downcast, even when Duck smooths silver hair from his face.

“Now, I like to joke as much as the next fella, but that don’t seem like somethin to tease about.”

“No?” Indrid’s gaze flicks onto Duck the instant before the man straddles him. Duck doesn’t even have to push him onto his back; he goes instantly, hands flat on the sand and tail twitching excitedly in the shallows. 

“No. Seems to me a sweet thing like you oughta be takin care of.” 

Indrid snickers, “That is not usually an adjective one uses for meAHahnn” he arches as Duck tugs his hair.

“Let’s get one thing straight, sugar; I decide what you get called. I wanna call you the most perfect creature in the sea, I will. And if I wanna call you a needy little mer who’s good for nothin but gettin fucked into the sand, you’re gonna nod and say ‘yes.’ Understood?”

The blue light flashing up his tail brightens, “Y-yes but, but why do you call me sugar? That is a food.”

Duck giggles, leans down to brush their noses together, “It’s a nickname, call you it because you’re sweet and I can’t wait to get my fill of you.”

“Ohhhh, I see.” 

“You wanna see somethin else?”

“Very much soOH, oh goodness.” Indrid gasps as Duck forces his gaze towards his cock attempting to free itself from his boxers. He grinds on the supple muscle of his tail to take the pressure off, chuckles when the siren whines and tries to kiss his chest. 

“Since you’re the only siren I’d ever even consider fuckin-” Duck pauses as Indrid moans loudly, digging his fingers into the sand, “you gotta show me how to go about it.”

“If, if you just continue as you are a little higher upyes, yes right there” He rolls his hips, purrs with such a blissful expression that Duck is powerless to do anything but kiss him. His affection grows when he notices Indrid clearly restraining his kisses so as not to catch Duck’s mouth or tongue with his sharp teeth. The last guy he fucked shoved his tongue down his throat without any build-up or finesse, and now all he can think is if only Indrid had made his feelings know sooner, Duck could have done away with shitty human dates and had an obedient, eager mer instead. 

“Mmmmm” Indrid licks his lips, runs his fingers up Duck’s sides, “kissing is nice. It is not something sirens often indulge in, so my chances to do it are few and far between.”

“Ain’t that a shame” Duck kisses the corners of his mouth, “lips like these were made to be kissed sore.”

Indrid purrs, wiggling his tail, and Duck looks down to see a slit opening where his clothed cock has been rubbing. 

“Huh. Kinda figured you had-”

“-I have both this and an appendage below it much like your own.”

“Handy.” Duck, in no mood to climb off the purring, otherworldly man, eases the waistband of his damp boxers just under his balls. 

“This, uh, this ain’t gonna actually create a, I mean, I don’t wanna accidentally-”

“Nono, there is no chance of procreation”

“And you’ll be okay with so little of you in the water?”

“Yesyes I will be fine.” Indrid tugs at his hips, bucks his own into the air in frustration. 

“Just checkin’ oh, oh fuck” Indrid is tight and ridged around his dick as it slides in, “fuckin christ, no wonder sailors’ll crash into rocks at the offerin of fuckin a siren, wait, fuck, that was probably rude.”

“I will let it slide” Indrid teases, the end of his tail curling around Duck’s left ankle, “on account of your body is so lovely I would beach myself and die gasping on your doorstep for a chance to touch it.”

“No need for that. All you gotta do is wait here like a good little mer and I’ll fuck you as much as you want.” The slit pulses as Duck slowly fucks in and out, and he knows he’ll have to throw out all his fleshlights after this because nothing will ever compare to the deliciously alien feeling of Indrid around his dick. 

“Do, do not joke about such things.” Indrid whimpers, clinging to his shoulders.

“I ain’t. You wanted a mate, right?”

“Yes, you, so very badly.”

“Well, you got one, and you feel so goddamn good on my cock I ain’t inclined to let you swim off and be someone else’s.”

“I do not want to, I only want you, please, please let me stay.”

Duck stills his hims and the siren writhes as he leans down. The human cups his cheek, “I want you to stay, ‘Drid. I wanna get to know you. Long as you promise you ain’t gonna fuck me unless you want to, and not because you’re scared I’ll turn you loose.”

“I promise.” Indrid initiates the kiss this time, purring when Duck takes his time kissing back. 

“Good. Now that we got that cleared up” Duck sits up, “be a good mate and take what I give you.” He fucks in as hard as he dares, dives back down to kiss Indrid’s lips and throat as the mer’s cock emerges. Duck finds he can grind his ass along the twisting shaft at the same time he drives his own into Indrid’s body, resulting in a wail of pleasure and teeth sinking into his shoulder. 

“Fuck!”

“Sorry!” Indrid squeaks, hiding his face in Duck’s neck, “it, it is a reflex-”

Duck yanks his head back to his shoulder, near the first mark, and holds it down, “Do it again.”

Indrid trills and pain lights up Duck’s body, the perfect counterpoint to the pleasure coursing through him with each roll of their bodies. The siren chirps and moans, nips his arms and ears, slides his tail along his legs as his cock pumps frantically against his ass.

“That’s it sweet thing, cum for me while I fuck you. Show me just what my mate is for.” Duck bites Indrid’s neck and cum splatters the backs of his thighs as Indrid’s repetitions of his name drown out the noise of the waves.  Duck’s orgasm follows fast, sweeps through him like the crescendo of a song carried on the night air. 

Duck stays buried in him well after he’s finished, mind already conjuring images of tying Indrid down in shallow water and keeping his cock warm all day.

“Duck?”

“Yeah, sugar?” 

“I, ah, I need to get back in the water.”

“Oh shit, yeah, sure.” He pulls out, tosses his sea-soaked boxers up the beach as Indrid slides into the sea. Duck wades in, stopping where it’s waist deep as the siren swims lazily circles around him. 

“Such a perfect mate.”

“Glad you still think so.”

Indrid curls up to him, rubbing their cheeks together, “Thank you for indulging me. Do...do you wish me to come back tomorrow? Or to stay tonight? There are no other mers between here and my territory, so there is no reason I cannot count this stretch as mine.”

Duck kisses one of the hickeys blooming on tan skin, “How’s about you stay the night. We got some things to talk about. And, if you’re real good, I might let you fuck me when we’re done.”

Indrid grins, “My dearest one, I believe we have a deal.”

----------------------------------------------

Nowadays, if you ever go near Kepler and the surrounding islands, you may hear people talk about Duck Newton, beloved native son, skilled park ranger, and the only man receive siren kisses and live to tell the tale. 

[sckyie]

word count: 1.1k 

genre + warning: fluff; comforting when sick

pronouns used: they/them

a/n: i rewrote an old fic i have on my wattpad

mr. dino man: hey kageyama said you looked sad when you passed him in the hall, you okay?

you: not really, i'm not having a good day and i didn't pass my exam

mr. dino man: well if you'd study like i said you should've, you're would've passed

you: whatever

mr. dino man: awww little baby upset i told them the truth?

you: i'm going home alone

you: i'm not particularly fond of your bullying as of rn

you: i have a migraine and everything is bugging me. ill text you tmr

mr. dino man: wait, baby i was joking

mr. dino man: don't leave me on read

Tsukishima stares at his phone just as the final bell began. His teacher dismisses class and he goes to look for you where you'd wait for him. You weren't there like you usually were. In actuality, you had gone home early. He sighed, checking your location to see that you were already at home.

He took a deep breath before walking towards Coach Ukai's store. Tsukki enters the shop, greeting his coach once he enters. "Tsukishima? Aren't you supposed to be back at the school?" He asks.

"Is it okay if I miss today? Y/n isn't feeling well and I made it worse when I talked to them. I can make it up tomorrow?" He asks.

"You're lucky today is just conditioning," Ukai scolds. "You owe me extra tomorrow."

"Yes sir," He bowed. Tsukishima walks down the aisles with a basket. He places onigiri, instant ramen, and some tea in before walking towards the medicine aisle. "Do you know what treats migraines?" Tsukki asks aloud as he looks at the different boxes.

"A nicer boyfriend," Ukai laughs. "The orange box." He makes his way to the cash register to have his items scanned.

"Thanks Coach," He says as the items are getting bagged. The two say their goodbyes before Tsukishima makes his way to your house. As he approaches your doorstep, he notices your parents about to leave. "Oh, hi Mr. and Mrs. L/n."

"Oh Tsukki! You're here early, Y/n isn't feeling well. They're locked up in their room," Your mom explain.

"I know, is it alright to come in and cook for them?" Tsukishima asks. Your parents agree, telling him where things are in the kitchen. He enters and place everything on the counter. He takes out what is necessary in making instant ramen. He decided to add some vegetables and ginger to make you feel a bit better.

You never took Tsukishima as the cooking type. It took you by surprise the first time he cooked for you. It had always been buying take out and eating at restaurants or in some cases you'd cook for him.

As he was chopping up green onions, you could smell the aroma of the soup from your room. You lugged yourself to the living room, expecting to see one of your parents. You furrowed your brows once you spot your boyfriend cooking. "Kei? What are you doing here?" You ask.

"I came over because you said you weren't feeling well. And because I know you, you weren't going to take you medicine and just sleep," Tsukishima says. "I'm making tofu ramen with vegetables."

"But I'm not-" You started, his eyes met with yours sending a chill down your spine.

"You are hungry because Yachi said you didn't eat at lunch," He scolds. "Here, eat one of these and take the medicine I bought you." He held out an onigiri and the bottled tea.

"Thank you Kei," You say softly, walking to sit at the dinner table. You unwrap the little triangle and munch on it while Tsukki continues to make your guys' food. He watches you take the medicine to make sure that you don't just say you took it.

"Do you need help?" You ask.

"Yeah," Tsukishima says. "Go set up your bed for us to cuddle later after we eat. Also pick out a movie."

"Wait what about cooking?" You tilt your head.

"Go, just let me take care of you, no questions," He says. You nod, walking over to give him a kiss before you went to the bedroom. He leans down and pecks your lips before letting you go.

You clean off your bed where your uniform was laid and your stuffed animals scattered. You pulled out an extra blanket from the closet, placing it on the bed. You turn on your laptop and look for a movie to watch.

"Food's done!" Tsukki called out. You walked over to see him place two bowls on the table for the both of you. You seat yourself across him and you looked down at the noodles.

"Thank you bubba," You say.

"No problem," He says.

"Aw, there's ginger in it," You whine.

"Eat it, you'll feel better," He says. You pout at his words, dreading to eat the musty root. You slurped up the noodles, the flavor of the ginger hit your throat making you shut your eyes. "You're so cute." He laughs at your scrunched face.

"Shut up," You say after chewing your noodles.

After the two of you finished eating, you attempt to wash the dishes but he shoves you away from the sink. "Warm up the bed, I'll bring you ice cream," He says, cleaning up the bowls. You sighed, kissing his cheek and walking towards your bedroom.

Snuggling into the sheets, you waited for your boyfriend to join you. After few minutes, he walked in with a bowl of your favorite ice cream and two spoons. He hands you the dessert before laying himself beside you. His arms drape around you, pulling the laptop on his lap with his free hand.

"When Marnie was There? What movie is this?" He asks, looking at the title.

"Oh, my friend recommended it," You say scooping some ice cream to feed Tsukki. "Thank you by the way...I'm grateful for you..."

"You're welcome," He says. "Sorry for being mean to you babe."

"It's okay," You say looking up at him. "I love you."

"I love you too," He places his lips on yours. "You taste like ginger."

"Oh hush," You laughed. The two of you finished up eating the ice cream together as you watched the movie. You snuggled into your boyfriend's chest as you watched. Shortly after settling into his body, you began to slowly close your eyes.

"Woah, that's trippy," Tsukki says, looking at you. "Oh, you're sleeping."

"No, I'm-" You get interrupted by a yawn. "Okay maybe I am sleepy."

"It's fine if you sleep Y/n," He says. "We can finish this movie later."

"Mhm," You hummed. You listened to his heartbeat as you were slowly falling asleep. You had that fuzzy feeling in your stomach as Tsukishima held you. It was the first time in a while where he spoiled you. You were more than thankful to have him with you. "I love you."

"I love you more idiot," He says, kissing the top of your head. He reaches over to turn off the lamp and put your laptop on the desk. He shifts his body to hold you easier before slowly falling asleep with you.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @just-a-siiimp @d0llpie @elianetsantana

[oikawaplssteponme]

𝑨𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒀𝒐𝒖: part 5

“It’s always been you. Has it always been me?”

✨part 1

✨part 2

✨part 3

✨part 4

pairing: Tobio Kageyama x fem!reader

rating/warnings: [a few swear words but that should be it]

synopsis: You liked him. He liked you. Easy right? Well, maybe not as easy as you thought.

a/n: hiii 💓 sorry i didn’t post this part sooner, ive been busy with other such things :) this is chapters 9&10 and things will be getting interesting the next few parts after this 🤭 just a reminder that my requests/asks are open all the time and so is this taglist. just ask and ill add you :)) okay enjoy xx

•

Nine: all that matters

You felt as though someone had taken your heart, stepped on, and gave it back to you. You couldn’t think of any plausible reason why Koi would say that to you. This wasn’t the same Koi that always supported you. You knew that if you were in her place, you wouldn’t have said those things, even if you truly believed them.

“Don’t give me that face Y/N, it's just my opinion. See this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d freak out,” Koi huffed.

“Well I’m obviously not gonna like hearing that you think that the guy I like doesn’t actually like me.”

“Hey now I never said that. All I said was that I think that I’m more his type than you. That's no reason to get pissy with me Y/N. The truth can hurt.” Koi crossed her arms and looked you dead in the eyes. You couldn’t tell whether you wanted to cry or scream.

“Hey ladies, get into first formation,” your coach interrupted. You took a deep breath and got into your spot.

Your practice felt like it lasted forever. You wanted nothing more than to just get as far away from Koi as possible. She acted as if nothing was wrong, continuing to joke with you all practice. You played along.

“See you tomorrow Y/N!” called Koi as she turned to walk home. You waved goodbye and began your trip home.

“Hey wait up!” you heard a voice say behind you. You turned to see a sweaty Kageyama running towards you. Your face instantly lit up. Once he got up to you, he gave you a tight hug.

“Oh my gosh you stink,” you joked. Kageyama released you from the hug.

“Oh sorry,” he blushed.

“It's okay,” you smiled at him, taking his hand as you walked home.

“How was practice?” you asked.

“It was good. We have a practice match tomorrow, you should come watch,” he said. You turned to him with the biggest smile.

“You want me to come watch you?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t I?” Kageyama squeezed your hand. You felt butterflies enter your stomach.

~

“Do you want to come inside to study?” you asked, pointing to your house.

“Yeah sure,” smiled Kageyama.

You walked up to your front door and went inside. Once again, your family wasn’t home yet. You led Kageyama up to your room and you set down your bags. He sat down on your bed and you made your way to your closet.

You were still in your sweaty practice clothes so you decided to change. You grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt. Not thinking twice about Kageyama, you simply got changed. After you were dressed, you turned around to see a red faced Kageyama.

“What?” you asked. He caught his breath.

“Uh, nothing,” he said as he snapped back into reality. You chuckled and grabbed your school bag and went to sit next to him. He grabbed his bag as well. You pulled out your homework and began to complete it. Kageyama grumbled as he struggled through his english homework.

“Do you want help?” you asked. Kageyama looked at you and shook his head. He knew you had one of the best grades in class but he wanted to try to do it himself.

“Nope, I’m good,” he replied. You nodded and went back to your work.

~

You finished your homework in less than an hour. You repacked your school bag and set it on the floor. You moved to rest your head on Kageyama’s shoulder.

“Are you finished yet?” you pouted. He smiled.

“I can finish it later,” he said, putting away his things.

He wrapped his arm around you as you two laid back on your bed. Your head rested on his chest. You couldn’t help but feel so at peace whenever you were with him. Well, that peace was short lived when Koi’s words began to run through your mind again. You felt your gut clench.

“Kags?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a type?” Kageyama gave you a funny look.

“What do you mean?” he asked. You sighed and sat up to face him.

“I guess what I’m asking is, am I your type?” You worried that Koi might be right. Kageyama tilted his head.

“Why does it matter? I like you,” He said taking your hand. He could tell something was wrong. You still felt uneasy.

“I don’t know. Someone said some stuff to me and it got me thinking. Well, overthinking actually,” you frowned. Kageyama pulled you towards him.

“I promise that whatever they told you isn’t true. You’re all that matters,” he said. Kageyama placed his hand on your cheek, moving his thumb back and forth. You smiled pulling him into a tight hug.

“I promise Y/N,” he whispered in your ear. His soft words sent a chill down your spine. You released him from the hug but pulled him into a kiss. He kissed you back sweetly, holding you close. Your arms wrapped around his neck while he held onto your hips.

“Hey Kags,” you stopped kissing him for a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Please make sure your phone is on silent.”

~

“I should go,” yawned Kageyama. You pouted as you checked the time. 10:23pm. No part of you wanted him to leave.

“I think you shouldn’t,” you smiled, gripping onto his arm. He laughed.

“Trust me I don’t want to but I was supposed to be home 20 minutes ago,” he replied. You sighed, letting go of his arm and sitting up.

“Is your practice match right after school?” you asked.

“Yeah. It's in the normal gym,” he said. You nodded. Kageyama grabbed his school bag and his other things. You two walked downstairs before reaching your front door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” he smiled.

You knew you would but there was just something about seeing Kageyama leave that broke your heart. You didn’t think saying a simple goodbye would be so hard but it was. You became so attached to him and you weren’t even dating; technically at least.

“Okay,” you whispered. Your eyes felt glossy but you didn't know why. It just felt like each goodbye wouldn’t be followed with another hello.

“Hey I’m just a couple houses away, and I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow morning. Don’t be sad Y/N,” Kageyama set down his bag to pull you into a hug. You gripped onto his shirt.

“Okay,” you said faintly. You physically couldn’t say anymore because if you did you would just tell him to stay. Kageyama moved his hands to hold your face. He noticed the water forming in your eyes. You just smiled, shrugging your shoulders like it was no big deal. He kissed the top of your head before releasing his hands from your warm face. He picked up his things and opened the door.

“Goodnight Y/N.” He gave you one last kiss on the head.

“Goodnight Kags.”

•

Ten: girlfriend

You didn’t sleep that night. You couldn’t. You felt incomplete. You felt silly about how strong your feelings had gotten for Kageyama. How attached you had become to the short-tempered setter. Everytime you were with him, it just felt as if the world had stopped and it was only the two of you. You always worried about people leaving you. You knew that if Kageyama did, you would never recover. After what Koi had to say about him, you were doubtful over yourself. Thoughts like those are what kept you up at night.

When morning arose, you were more than excited to get your day started. You immediately got yourself cleaned up and changed in your uniform. Your coach had cancelled your practice today due to being sick so it was perfect that you could make it to Kageyama’s practice match. You even packed a bag of clothes to change into after school for the game. You grabbed your bags and went downstairs. You put on your coat and hat after grabbing something to eat. You put on your school bag and went outside.

He wasn’t there. You waited for about 5 minutes for Kageyama but he wasn’t there. You felt your heart sink. Was there a chance that he forgot? He wouldn’t forget, he promised. You knew that if you waited any longer you would be late, so you decided to start walking. You walked by yourself for some time, looking back every so often to hopefully see Kageyama. You had been walking for almost 5 minutes before hearing fast footsteps behind you.

“Y/N!” You turned to see a sprinting Kageyama. You let out a sigh of relief.

“I thought you forgot about me,” you said once he finally caught up to you. He tried to catch his breath.

“No, no I would never. I left my volleyball bag at my house so I had to go back and get it. Then I noticed that the lights in your house were all turned off so I assumed you had already left,” Kageyama explained, “I’m sorry if I scared you.” You turned to him and kissed his cheek.

“No worries Kags.” He took your hand and you walked the rest of the way to school.

~

The school day was long. You were so eager to watch Kageyama’s game that time seemed to never pass. You would check the clock constantly but of course nothing would change.

Finally when the bell rang signaling the end of the day, you sprung up from your seat rushing to your locker to grab your change of clothes.

“Y/N!” a familiar voice called. Your heart sang seeing it was none other than Kageyama.

“ Hi Kags,” you smiled.

“Put this on.” He handed you a black hoodie. Your eyes grew. You took the hoodie with joy. Before you could say anything, he was running to the gym.

“I’ll see you at the game!” his voice trailed off as he continued to run off. Your face was hot and tense from how hard you were smiling. You grabbed your bag and headed to the locker room.

You happily changed into a pair of leggings, a strappy tank top, and Kageyama’s hoodie. The hoodie was soft and it smelled like a mix of pine and vanilla, just how Kageyama often did. You were just about to leave the locker room when someone walked in.

“Oh hi Y/N, what are you doing?” asked Koi.

“I’m gonna go watch the boys volleyball practice game,” you said, without even thinking twice about it.

“Oh that sounds fun! Mind if I join?” Koi asked. You tensed up. You couldn’t say no without sounding mean but you also were still mad at Koi for those things she said the other day.

“Are you sure? It's just a practice match, it's probably gonna be really boring,” you said, trying to come up with anything that could convince her not to come.

“Yeah, we can cheer on Kags together,” smiled Koi. Your heart stopped. Did she just call him…

“Uh sure, then let's go,” you said.

~

The pit in your stomach only grew as you walked closer to the gym with Koi. Once you got inside, Kageyama spotted you right away. He ran towards you and wrapped his arm around you, not even acknowledging Koi.

“You look cute. Where is that hoodie from?” joked Kageyama. You smiled, giving him a nudge.

“Very funny. Uh Kags, you know Koi?” you gestured towards your friend who seemed to be annoyed by the lack of attention she was getting.

“Uh yeah I think so,” he said, looking at Koi. Koi gave him a big smile.

“Hi Kags. Good luck today,” smiled Koi. Did she just say it again?

“Oh uh thank you,” Kageyama turned to look at you, “I’ll see you after the game okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Good luck,” you replied. He gave you a hug before running back to his team.

You and Koi sat on the floor of the upper level of the gym. You dangled your feet over the edge and rested your arms on the railing that kept you from falling.

“So you and Kags huh?” said Koi suddenly. You turned to face her.

“Uh yeah, what about us?”

“Oh nothing,” she said, “just thinking out loud.”

“Right,” you sighed. You didn’t have the energy to ask her about it more. Whatever she had to say you knew it wouldn’t be good.

The practice game was against Nekoma High School. You had heard of them before due to their reputation around Karasuno. They seemed to be a very well rounded team.

The first set was tight but Nekoma took it. Kageyama seemed flustered with himself. He was off today and couldn’t understand why.

“Shake it off, get this next set,” you cheered. Kageyama didn’t look at you as he normally did when you cheered. You couldn’t blame him though, you knew how seriously he took volleyball, practice game or not.

“What’s with Tobio?” Koi asked. You shook your head.

“I’m not sure,” you replied.

“Maybe something is making him nervous,” she said. You turned to look at her, seeing the sly smile appear on her face as she looked down at Kageyama. You looked at Koi, then at Kageyama, and back at Koi. I know damn well she doesn’t actually think she is making Kageyama nervous. He never gets nervous.

“Maybe,” you sighed.

~

“Get this point Kageyama!” yelled Daichi. It was the second set and Nekoma was at set point. Kageyama was up to serve. You watched intently as he spun the ball in his hands.

“Let’s go Kags!” shouted Koi. You rolled your eyes without even thinking. Kageyama jumped and looked up to the two of you. He didn’t really make a face, he just looked at Koi, then at you, and back down to the ball.

The whistle blew and Kageyama tossed the ball up for his jump serve. The toss was off, causing him to hit the ball straight rather than with a downward spin.

“Oh god…” you mumbled to yourself as you watched the ball travel much farther than suitable.

“Out!” yelled the Nekoma libero. He let the ball drop. From where you were seated, you couldn’t really see whether or not the ball was in. The whistle blew and you looked to the ref, seeing him give the point to Nekoma.

“Well that was a shit game,” said Koi as she got up from the floor.

“They tried their best.”

~

The two of you went downstairs and waited outside the gym as the boys had their meeting. You sat on the ground and Koi sat on the bench. You watched as the boys slowly started to trail out of the gym one by one. Kageyama was the last one out. His head hung low but he made his way over to you.

“Hey,” he said softly. You got up to face him.

“Hey you played well, okay?” You gently moved some of his hair from his face to see his sweet eyes.

“You’ll get them next time Kags,” chimed in Koi. Kageyama brought his head up.

“It’s Kageyama, please.” He said plainly. Koi’s eyes widened and so did yours.

“Oh yeah sorry.” She said. You looked at Kageyama.

“Did you want to head over to my house? We can grab some boba on the way,” You asked. He nodded, taking your hand.

“Great let’s go, I’m starving.” said Koi, moving to stand next to Kageyama.

“Oh uh Koi I think-“ you began.

“Koi, I was hoping to spend some time with my girlfriend...alone. If that’s okay with you,” interrupted Kageyama. Your heart stopped. Girlfriend? Koi huffed.

“Yup totally fine. I’ll see you two later.” Koi rolled her eyes and left without saying another word. You looked at Kageyama with wide eyes.

“Girlfriend?” His face turned a bright red.

“Oh uh yeah I’ve been meaning to ask you. Sorry, I just said it without thinking.” He rubbed the back of his head nervously. You smiled.

“I was starting to think you were never gonna ask,” you said with a smile. Kageyama smiled back at you and you started to head to your house.

~

[taglist OPEN: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @lilnuances @jennasquishy8 @ladybird-00 @moonlightsof @maii-thirsts @tamaguchi (the tags were acting funny so I hope I got the right usernames, if not and you wouldn’t like to be part of the taglist lmk!)]

[momentsuspended-intime]

Finding light in the darkness.

*Trigger warning* This post mentions suicide, overdosing, crisis team, alcohol, drug abuse, and other scenarios people may find triggering or offensive. Please proceed with caution.

Don’t be afraid of change, it is leading you to a new beginning. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow. Every day is a new beginning. Take a deep breath and start again.

Sitting in my living room, empty boxes of codeine surrounding me, this is it I thought, all the pain was going to end. Finally.

I texted my ex, I messaged my friends, all saying goodbye and how sorry I was for causing so much turmoil. I felt broken and defeated, I just wanted it all to stop. My head was racing, I just wanted all these thoughts to stop going round and round my head, was a little peace too much to ask for? Suddenly my Mum entered the room her face was pale. “What have you done?!” she cried, tears streaming down her face. All I could do was look at her and apologise, I had a momentary lapse where I hadn’t considered my next steps. One of my friends had messaged my Mum in a panic; my ex was on the phone, I could hear him crying but I just felt numb.

My Dad then raced into the room “Why would you do this, Victoria?” “Not my baby, please no” Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen my Dad cry, but this was different. In that moment I thought “had I made a mistake?” but I still felt numb. Maybe it was the 60 codeine tablets I took or the adrenaline pumping through my body but all I felt was nothing. It had been like that for weeks now. This empty feeling inside me, like a black hole, sucking out every little piece of love and emotions I had. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I’ll get to that later.

Suddenly I was in the back of an ambulance, ECG hooked up to my body, and I’d spend hours in the hospital, being seen by different Doctors and Mental Health Nurses. My parents were pushing to having me committed. The hospital didn’t do anything; they sent me home and in less than 24 hours I’d be back in the hospital after a second failed attempt at taking my own life. 120 codeine tablets in total over 24 hours. Thank god I’m alive writing this now. I’m not a religious person but I must have someone looking down on me, keeping me safe.

You might be wondering how I got to this point, you see I’ve always known something wasn’t quite right, I could never put my finger on it but I never felt ‘normal’. Whatever normal is anyway. My head had always been a chaotic place for as long as I can remember, I always felt things so intensely, but that was normal right? I never knew any better. I would say goodbye to my ex after a lovely weekend together (he was in the RAF so I only got to see him on weekends) and I would have been crying hysterically, like he was being deployed for 6 months but in reality I’d be seeing him again in 5 days time. Minutes later in my car with music blaring I’d be singing and dancing along to the radio, like the previous few moments never happened. Something that would annoy the average person would make me fly into a fit of rage; my family described it as like walking on eggshells when they were around me. Too scared to say certain things out of fear of how I would react.

Anyway I’m digressing here, but the point is I always knew something wasn’t right with me. So what happened to make me feel so low? I had a week from hell. I’d been fired from my job by e-mail, basically told not to come in the following Monday. I was heartbroken, I was a photographer for a Cigar and Whiskey company, and I’d studied Photography at University. I could do that job in my sleep but that e-mail hit me like a tone of bricks. Later that week I would find out that my Nan had stage 5 terminal kidney disease and a couple days later my boyfriend of 3 and a half years would break my heart. It was traumatic, we’d spent 4 lovely days together and on the Sunday he woke up, looked at me and ended it. Just like that. I still remember the stabbing sensation in my stomach when I instantly knew something was wrong. An hour later I was driving 4 hours back from Buckinghamshire, crying my eyes out, reality had not yet set in and I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I still remember hearing Lizzo on the radio “If he don’t love you anymore, just walk yo’ fine ass out the door”. How ironic.

The day after my stint in the hospital I find myself sat in a room at the Crisis Centre on Northgate Street, waiting to be seen by a Psychiatrist and Mental Health Nurse to discuss what needs to be done. I’m angry, exhausted, confused and want anything but help. One of the Mental Health Nurses looks at me and says, “If you’re going to kill yourself, you’re going to do it anyway”. That was it, I went super saiyan, how dare he say that to me! These people are supposed to be here to help me, I know I didn’t want help at that point but how could someone in authority whose profession it is to support and care for those in a crisis say something so repulsive? That would be one of many unsavoury experiences I’d have with the Mental Health services.

After finally speaking to the manager (I promise I’m not a Karen), we all agreed that at home treatment would be best for my situation and me. Over the next few weeks I would be seen by the Crisis team every day. Every damn day I would have to explain in intricate detail what had happened and how we got to this point. You see with the Crisis team you don’t see the same person every day, they’re all on shifts, so each visit I would meet someone new and be expected to open up to a complete stranger about how I was feeling. When in a crisis a person needs consistency, the chance to build a rapport with someone and to feel like they’re being listened to. Not judged for being in the position I found myself in.

After many visits with a Psychiatrist and members of the Crisis team they came to a conclusion, I didn’t realise just how life changing this revelation would be. I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly everything fell into place; intense and unstable emotions? Check. Feeling empty and angry? Check. Impulsivity? Check. In total there’s 9 different symptoms for BPD (I’ll cover this in a future post), and I had all 9.

If you’re wondering what Borderline Personality Disorder is exactly then let me give you a brief outline, of course this is one of the most misunderstood and often stigmatised mental health issue a person can have. In simple terms BPD is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. People with BPD experience a pervasive pattern of instability, both in the way they view themselves and with interpersonal relationships.

BPD isn’t a fad, it isn’t quirky, it can be soul destroying and it almost cost me my life. Experiencing a break up, losing a job and finding out a loved one is ill was just too much. Just one of those things can cause someone with BPD to lose control, they say things come in threes and for me it was true. To a ‘normal’ person a break up is hard, unless you’re lucky enough to part ways as friends, for me it felt like someone had died. That might sound dramatic but it was true, I didn’t realise but my ex was my FP (favourite person). People with BPD often have a FP, someone they rely on and put on a pedestal, and this person can do no wrong. My problem is my FP broke my heart.

Now don’t get me wrong I know it takes two to tango, I wasn’t a saint but in my defence I didn’t realise I was ill. I was moody, never wanted to spend time with his family, argued over every little thing and I wanted him all to myself. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was obsessed.

I spent the next two weeks at a friend’s house, drinking and getting high. My head was a mess, thoughts racing; I just wanted a moment of calm. I thought I was making myself feel better, trying to forget all the chaos going on in my life but I was just making everything worse. I wasn’t facing these problems head on, I was masking them and I didn’t realise it but things were about to erupt.

During this time I was a train wreck, I was drinking at every moment I could. Taking the dog out so I could nip to the shops and down a bottle or two of Lambrini in the park (how classy, right?). My problem was during this time drinking would make me disassociate; I’d become violent and angry. At one point I found myself in the back of a police van, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

I had reached rock bottom, my family stood by me, and god knows why- I gave them every opportunity to disown me and kick me out of the house but they never did and for that I am eternally grateful. I knew something had to change, I HAD to change. I couldn’t keep going on living like this, surly there’s more to life than this?

I decided I would quit drinking and get my life back on track. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but anything worth having in life isn’t. I decided to try and raise money for NSFT (Norfolk and Suffolk Foundation Trust), at this point I had been discharged by the Crisis team and I was now in the hands of NSFT. This is when I met Allison, my Mental Health Nurse and things finally started to change for the better.

I started cycling 30 miles every day, I reached over 500 miles but due to health reasons I had stop. It’s my aim to re-start my little goal and hopefully add to the £250 I’ve raised so far. I started engaging with NSFT; I had weekly meetings with my MH Nurse, Allison and went to Recovery College, learning ways to cope with my diagnosis and my recovery.

During this time I started feeling better, I was given a cocktail of medications such as antipsychotics and anti-depressants and slowly the real me was starting to come out.

2 years on I feel like a completely different person. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my family; I’m one year sober and living in a beautiful new house. Treatment, medication and personal growth have changed me. Just yesterday my Sister was saying she could finally see the real me, the one that had always been there but just needed some nurturing (and treatment) to help shine through.

I’ve made many mistakes in life, I’m sure you’ll hear more about these in future posts but I decided I wanted to give back and use my experiences to help other people. You see I’ve always felt lost, like I never knew who I was as a person or what I wanted to do in life but I’ve finally found my calling. Last November I enrolled on a course and now I’m studying to become a Mental Health Nurse myself.

During my recovery I found that talking to someone who has lived experience of mental health issues utterly valuable. They understand you in a way no one else does, you have this shared connection. So I decided I wanted to take my lived experience, mistakes I’ve made, everything I’ve learnt over the past two years and try to help someone else that’s going through a Crisis.

I started volunteering at a Mental Health Charity called Together, working with the service users to offer them some support and it gave me a real taste of how it would be to work as a Mental Health Nurse and help someone who really needed it. Unfortunately lockdown hit and I had to stop volunteering.

I’m still working on my online course and hopefully by the end of the year I’ll be a Peer Support Worker and from there I’ll be able to join a course to specialise in Mental Health Nursing. For the first time in my life I have a plan.

What happened to that angry girl, who was moody all the time and argued over every little thing? I can say proudly that she no longer exists. Now I’m confident, happy and feel motivated to get as much out of life as possible. I’ve even started dating again! I’ll occasionally feel my mood flip quite quickly but I’m better at managing it now. Like any other illness you learn to live with it, this time though I’m not letting my diagnosis define me.

My relationship with my family has never been better, of course it’s not easy to forgive and there’s some things you can’t forget but my family have never held the things I’ve done against me. The past two years have been really tough but I’ve learnt a lot about myself as a person and the type of person I want to be. It hasn’t been easy writing this blog post, I wanted to give an honest and raw account of what it’s like to experience the darkest point of your life and what it’s like to rebuild from the ground up.

If you’re experiencing a hard time just know my inbox is always open, you’re not in this alone and I promise you things will get better.

Until next time.

Victoria Jane x

[strangetownsayit]

ok so um.......... .. . . ..

 i had a really bad time, went crazy and deleted all my maurice fics. Yes I have them in my notes and if someone wants them, I can send them to them, but still. i no longer feel confident about You Don’t Own Me and To a Happier Year.

but i feel bad and guilty bc then i remembered someone who left a very nice comment in my fic. maybe ill rewrite everything and publish it again, but not today and certainly not tomorrow. so ill explain my outline for the two fanfics cus i already had a ending in mind

before anything-- do i plan to write more maurice fanfic? the answer is yes. i hyperfixate very hard on maurice so ill never stop, but ill try not to make it public till i trust my bilingual capacities

 so, You Don’t Own Me

Percival Darsey is a young man who spend time in Penderleigh’s after having an encounter with Anne in the village next to Penge. He becomes Clive’s pupil bc of Anne’s desire, and so Percival bounces between them (wanting clive’s attention, then wanting anne’s)

Clive doesn’t really care about Percy’s attraction to Anne, bc he was sure it was silly love-at-first sight stuff. It was supposed to be explained later that Percy was really naive when it came to love. I actually had some dialogue written in my phone’s notes app to show how percy views were when it came to love and how easy it was for him to fall in love:

“I can’t do nothing but leave it to take me, Mr. Durham”, said Percy gently, with his back resting against the black slate of the roof; the light rays of sun --whose bright, blinding face was hiding behind clouds-- were worth coming the next day. “When someone smiles back at me, when someone touches my shoulder to get me out of the way, when they wish me a good day; I fall in love too easily, with many people. Approximately five times a day.”

“Many people?”, Clive laughed. “You mean, many women.”

Percival contemplated the sky a while.

“No,” he finally said, “many people.”

 Percival was supposed to be Clive’s opposite: excited about loving and be loved in return, excited to be discovered and being so happy with himself, he can barely hide it.

But when Percival got infatuated with a man, an acquaintance of Clive, Clive started to snap, to wander, to ask questions he could’ve never asked before. But Percival had nothing to hide anyways, and this would make Clive distant

Resume: with time Percival would’ve become closer and closer to anne’s circle, and thus he would’ve grown tired and exhausted. Bc Percival is autistic, and he has very little spoons (a metaphor about being autistic), meeting new people every day, being dragged to social compromises and being treated as some sort of servant that these rich ppl needed for entertainment, he would’ve suffered a meltdown and avoid Pendersleigh for a while

But bc Percy is not dumb, he would’ve returned bc he needs to eat, and bc of his neurodivergence he couldn’t keep jobs that were mostly aimed to neurotypicals. So when he came back, he decided to stay in Clive’s side. He found comfort in his cases cus all he needed to do was ignore Clive and sleep and little lol. And so this was supposed to be the first step to develop their relationship: Clive being interested in percy now that he has discover Percy likes men as well, Percival feeling drawn to Clive. They get to know each other and eventually, they fall in love.

But ofc everytime Clive perceives a hint of flirt, he panics and back off, bc hes an I—HSHFS- NOO- WAIT—LMAO DLFAOF—IM SO SHY--- gay, and Percy is a ;)) bisexual, so they keep flirting a good part of my outline.

But then BOOm I planned Mrs Hall to visit clive. And so clive wouldve remembered everything with Maurice, feel bad, and reject percival once for all. Percival cries a lot and anne thinks he is sick bc he has an uncontrollable sobbing, but then he escapes again

Clive has some awful months and Anne notices. She knows, but at the same time, she doesn’t: she knows Percy and Clive had a cute dynamic and relationship, she knows they loved each other, but she cant notice the homoerotism they had, and so she goes on looking for percival

I shpuld add that even tho I didn’t outlined this, there was a subplot exploring Anne’s bisexuality. I was working on how to do it when I deleted the fanfic

She finds Percival and discovers that he lied this whole time: his real name is Daniel Darcy, son of Mrs. Darcy, a middle-class woman who fell in disgrace after her husband escaped with his lover. It is revealed that Percival has many brothers and is the youngest of all, being 22. It is also revealed that he have been running away from home and coming back since he was twelve. His mother openly talks shit about Percy and it is hinted that Percy is a  Bastard, a product of a love affair.

There was a silly joke I had in my notes app:

“Many years ago, Mr. Darcy ran away from us, in the gay nineties”, he spat, struggling with laughing and bitterness. “Gay, my mother hates the word, just like she hates me and everything that is stunning.”

Then Anne wouldve told Percival about Clive but he wouldve stop her and ask her to go. But he wouldve return to penge a few weeks later cus he a dumbass who doesn’t value himself. Then he and clive wouldve kissed in the rain while he sees percy in the darkness of the night at penge’s garden, but then percy wouldve been like “lol bye” bc he just wanted to let clive know that he loved him too and that he would be back in the morning.

Fluffy ffluffy fluffy flufly

Then BOOM Maurice makes an appearance, telling clive everything about what happened with kitty, then asking for money lmao so he and alec can look for another place, and he tells clive that didn’t anywhere else to go. At fisrt Clive says no but then percy manages to persuade him into helping Maurice, who is surprised to see Clive with a man. Clive and Maurice have a nice chat, clive apologizes and cries and then the next day Clives calls Risley and cries too and say something like sorry I wasn’t there for you yoy didn’t deserved to go through that and it was so unfair, and then he -in  a very subtle way- apologizes to anne. And thus Clive is clean of guilt

But then Clive and Percival have a fight bc he wants to participate in Clive’s life but Clive refuses. Angsty angsty angsty. Percival reveals he was promised by his mother his part of the heritage if he married and became a proper gentleman. He tells clive he will accept his mother offer if clive keeps being ashamed of him

Clive wants to be with percival but he sees himself in another drama, so he does what is easier: letting Percival go.

But percival didn’t expected that shit to happen ?? as extra as he is, he thought clive wouldve comfort him and kiss him. .. .. . . .

Bc he doenst know anywhere else to go, and doesn’t want to get married and hates his mom and he would hate it if he became clive, he goes with Maurice and Alec CUS HE WANTS THEM TO BE HIS DADS ¿’¿’’93 me too bitch get in the line

So advices advices advices. Percival has a clearer mind and he runs his way up to penge

So kisses kisses kisses, he and Clive are in love nd stuff. JUMP TIME, Maurice and alec live in France and they are Percy’s and Clive’s neighbors. Anne is looking for adventures and kisses many women and many men. Everyone is happy YAY I can cope

TO A HAPPIER YEAR

Ok I am a little tired I want to sleep jdswiow io

So Clive’s durham first love. Fluffly fluffly fflufy

It cover events during the movie (clive being tired of bullshit after Christmas vacs).

Bc clive is an asshole, he ignores Quinn (his first love and stuff]) and quinn wants to know why he is being pushed aside and why is clive so distant. But then he discovers it and wish clive luck

JUMP TIME they are both in their 36 and clive is miserable during a trip in Italy. They both meet during said trip, reconnect romantically,  and HAPPY YEAR YES EVERYTHING IS HAPPIER THE YEARS HAPPY ENDING WHATEVer. I swear it is cuter Im just very sleepy now lol

[four-loose-screws]

FE4 Suzuki Novelization Translation (Gen II) - Chapter 3

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———————————

Chapter 3 - Larcei, My Love

T/W: Cousin incest and brief rape mention.

“I don't want to fight.”

Iuchar, King Danan's middle son, said to himself over and over again as he prepared for battle.

Iuchar was well-known as a brave axe knight, and wasn't the type to hold back in a fight. However, this time, he found himself feeling hesitant.

He checked that none of his soldiers were near him, then muttered once more, "I don't want to fight."

He repeated those words over and over, trying to ascertain how he really felt...

He had two reasons not to fight. The first was that he was completely against the child hunts his father, Danan, had ordered, and the second was that Larcei was a member of the liberation army.

Danan was every bit like his father, Lombard: cruel, arrogant, greedy, and quick to become infuriated when others didn't agree with him.

When he received the news that Ganeishire Castle had fallen to the rebel army led by Seliph, Danan summoned all of the commanding officers serving as castle lords to Rivough Castle and ranted at them, as he always did.

"Ganeishire was taken by a ragtag rebel army of peasants!? What is the meaning of this!? You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Even you, Iuchar! Your castle is the closest one to Ganeishire! Why didn't you try to send reinforcements!?"

'I did, but by that time, the castle had already fallen!' He started to say, but stopped himself. He knew that saying his thoughts aloud would just add fuel to the fire.

"My reputation is ruined! If the empire were to find out about this, what would His Majesty think!? Listen up, Iuchar, Iucharba! I want you two to deploy immediately, and fight with all you've got. Their numbers are small. If you surround them in a field, then it should be an easy win. Don't show them any mercy! Kill them all! Especially those I am about to call out now. They are the instigators of this rebellion. Whoever kills them will receive a bounty. You must come back with their heads!"

After starting with the traitor Sigurd's son, Seliph, he called out seven more names: Shanan, Oifey, Diarmuid, Lester, Ulster, and Larcei.

'Larcei!' The moment he heard her name, Iuchar's heart skipped a beat. 'So she's part of the rebel army?'

He'd first met her two years ago at a summer festival that he snuck out to attend. 

A beautiful girl with gorgeous black eyes dancing in a circle with several others caught his attention, so he started talking to her. While her response was blunt, it actually made him fall in love for the very first time. Her masculine way of speaking was very fresh and new to him.

After talking to her for a while, she finally told him her name, and they made plans for their next meeting.

Since then, they'd met up about once every two months. But although they met, it didn't mean that Iuchar realized how he felt about her. They simply went on a picnic when the weather was nice, or to a restaurant in a random village when it was cold, and talked for two or three hours.

Her behavior never once changed. Whenever his words were even a bit sweet, she was relentless in pointing it out. Strangely, he didn't find it unpleasant.

'Whenever Father's words are harsh, he's angry, so why isn't it the same with Larcei?'

Once he thought very carefully about it, he realized the reason why.

His father only ever thought about himself. In contrast, Larcei's thoughts were never about her own personal gain. Her words may have been sharp, but they had no ill will. Rather, there were even times when she spoke like that for his own good.

For example, when he first learned about the child hunts, he simply thought "They're bad!" and left it at that. He didn't feel that they concerned him. However, when talking to Larcei, she explained that such acts would destroy society, and he came to be firmly against them.

As the son of a king and lord of an Isaachian castle, he'd always seen the world through that lens, but thanks to Larcei, he was now able to think from the standpoint of each and every parent and child.

While traveling home to Rivough Castle, he was accompanied for part of the way by his younger brother, Iucharba, lord of Sophia Castle.

"This battle is pretty serious, huh?" Iucharba muttered.

"You think so, too? I have the same feeling."

"Larcei was one of the names amongst the instigators, right? I know her, actually."

His brother's words startled Iuchar, but he didn't know how to respond right away.

"I think I have a crush on her, so please, Big Brother, don't kill her. Spare only her. I’ll beg Father afterwards, and tell him I just want to save her life, whatever it takes.”

Iuchar missed his chance to speak his true feelings, and only responded by silently nodding.

'Maybe Larcei likes Iucharba back. But if she does, then why did she spend time with me?'

The two parted ways, and as Iuchar continued back to Rivough Castle, that was the only thing he could think about.

'If she does like him…' Every time he had that thought, his chest burned with jealousy.

'Then why did she hang out with me?' That thought gave him a bit of hope.

'Or maybe she met with us to change our minds?' That last thought filled him with the sinking feeling that he'd been led on.

'But, if she did lead me on, then what? Do I fight her?'

In the end, he decided that he didn't want to fight her.

-

The members of Iuchar's cavalry unit met up at the place they'd agreed upon and prepared for battle.

As they marched, several of his soldiers broke away from the group to pillage a nearby village, but he didn't have the energy to stop them.

Late into the afternoon, one of the soldiers rushed up to him and reported, "A person carrying a white flag is approaching us!"

"Are they an enemy?"

"We believe so. They appear to be a woman."

'Could it be… Larcei?' He immediately thought. 'I want to meet her and see what she has to say.'

"Alright then, I'm going to meet her. I'll be fine on my own. Stay here, everyone." Iuchar said, and galloped ahead.

The closer he got, the faster his heart pounded in his chest.

'That silhouette… it has to be Larcei's! I knew it! It is her!'

He stopped beside her, and while still on his horse, asked, "Larcei, have you come to surrender?"

"Don't be stupid! We would never!"

"Then what is the white flag for?"

"To try and stop the fight, so we can make a proposal."

"Why?"

"We're trying to change this world, where child hunts are carried out every day. Our final goal is to topple the empire and the Loptr Church, but first, we must defeat your father, Danan, here in Isaach. But I do not want to kill you, so I am requesting we call a ceasefire."

"So you're telling me to disobey my father's orders?"

"You are half Isaachian."

Those four words dredged up the memories he'd buried deep within his mind.

His mother had not been a princess, but a woman Danan found and kidnapped from her village.

In about three months time, he’d gotten bored of her. He would no longer look at her, and treated her as a common maid. All Isaachian women were beneath horses to him.

She died during childbirth, so Iuchar had no memories of a mother's kindness.

Whenever he cried as a child, he was immediately told, "Your mother was always crying! That's why you're a crybaby!"

He hated it, and learned to hold back his tears. He was even inspired to become a soldier because he didn’t want to be used as an example proving that his mother was weak.

'Mother was just forced to suffer a horrible fate because of Father! She wasn't weak. I am proof of that! How am I weak!?' Iuchar had thought to himself when he once won a horseback riding contest.

"I'm taking that as a yes. We'll continue down this path tomorrow morning.”

Larcei's words snapped him back to reality. 

“W-wait. You’ve met Iucharba, haven’t you?”

“I have. I wanted to teach Danan’s sons what is right. But…”

"But what?"

"I came straight to your unit. Do you know what that means?"

Those words confused him. 'What is she trying to say?'

"I'm heading back now. See you."

"W-wait! What if I don’t agree to the ceasefire?"

"Well, I can't do anything about that. I'll come leading my soldiers tomorrow. If you say you approve of the child hunts, then you and I will fight one on one, understand?" She said, then turned around and went back the way she came.

-

That night, he couldn't stop thinking about what she meant.

'I've always felt refreshed after meeting with Larcei, but today was somehow different.’

After feeling lost all night long, he finally reached his conclusion.

‘That’s it, that’s what she was getting at! Larcei knows that if I was that confused, she was able to convince me. But that doesn’t mean that I came to my own conclusion. If I agree to a ceasefire with her, I'll be turning my back on both the empire and my father. In other words, I'll be throwing away who I've been until now. If I threw it all away only because I was convinced by her, I might regret it later. But if I made my choice all on my own, then...’

With that thought, he fell asleep, though he hadn't yet decided what to do. 

-

He woke up the next morning feeling completely refreshed.

After breakfast, he saw the rebel army marching towards them in the distance.

"We still have thirty minutes until we fight! You can get ready without having to panic." Iuchar said to his subordinates while walking between their tables.

After cleaning up from breakfast, they got into formation, and began to march.

The rebel army was marching in one big group, while Iuchar and Iucharba's units were in "Crane Formation," a vertical line shaped formation that looked like a crane's wings spread out wide.

'If we stay like this, we can attack by surrounding them from both sides, and claim an easy victory.' Iuchar thought, but then realized that Larcei probably knew that's what he would do.

Larcei was leading her unit, walking ahead of them on her own, as she'd promised.

'She must know, and that's why she's been risking her own life like this since yesterday.'

He was overwhelmed with feelings of how beautiful she was. It was a different love than he'd ever felt for her before. He was seeing her not only as someone of the opposite sex, but also as her own person.

Iuchar halted his soldiers, and walked ahead alone.

He and Larcei stopped about ten meters from each other.

She was clearly nervous. The sight of that expression on her face made him realize how lovely she was all over again. 

"Oh, Larcei… My love!” He called out loudly, sounding almost as if he was singing.

Larcei stared at him, completely dumbfounded.

"The day our fate is realized has finally come!"

"What are you talking about, Iuchar!? Did you eat something funny?"

"Larcei...

Your voice is like the song of a small bird

Your eyes sparkle like the stars

Ah, I think…

I can no longer live without you…"

"Stop it! You're making me sick! This is a battlefield. Have you gone mad!?"

"No, I am quite sane. I made a poem for you, though you didn't seem to like it very much. My words are no lie, though. I will show you the proof right now." Iuchar said, then turned around.

"Everyone, from now on, we will fight alongside the liberation army, and put an end to the awful child hunts! Starting today, we fight for love, justice, and Larcei!”

His soldiers all cheered in unison, surprising Iuchar, as he thought he'd have to join the liberation army on his own. However, his soldiers were mostly Isaachians, and agreed with him.

'Just about everyone finds the child hunts unacceptable.'

Seeing Iuchar try to team up with the liberation army made Iucharba go wild with jealousy and rage.

"Dammit! How dare Brother run ahead and ally with Larcei!? Now I can never forgive her! I'll kill every last one of them! All soldiers! Attack!"

Iucharba led his soldiers, and ran not for the rebel army, but Iuchar's army.

The battle immediately became harsh. Both armies were made up of well trained soldiers, so neither side was superior or inferior to the other. However, once the liberation army joined in to support Iuchar's army, the outcome was quickly decided.

-

Afterwards, the main force of the liberation army continued to march, as they'd decided they wanted to make it to Isaach Castle that day.

Around two in the afternoon, they saw a pillar of smoke coming from the direction of Isaach Castle. And when they got even closer, a cloud of dust rose up ahead of them.

"What do you think that’s about, Prince Iuchar?" Oifey guided his horse next to Iuchar's and asked.

"I think General Schmitt and his cavalry are responsible."

"Are they strong?"

"Yes, and quite so."

"Then we should probably retreat for now, I'm guessing?"

"There's a village atop the left hand side of the hill.  I think we should go protect it."

The liberation army decided to take Iuchar's advice and retreated, then barricaded themselves within the village. The town was surrounded by a steep slope, so as long as they guarded the village's entrance, the enemy wouldn't be able to invade.

Schmidt's cavalry unit soon came to attack the village. They took turns charging the entrance and throwing javelins inside. The cavalry seemed to be well trained in this maneuver, as they put up a consistent, stubborn fight. If they had attacked in an area where they could put their horses' mobility to use, they probably would have been able to do a lot of damage. 

However, Oifey's and Iuchar's units took turns protecting the entrance, and did not let the enemy invade the village. Any of Schmidt's soldiers that traveled the village perimeter looking for another entrance were met with Lester's arrows and Arthur's meteors.

As the calvary took more and more damage, both the soldiers and their horses started to look tired. When the time was right, Seliph shouted,"Okay, counterattack now! Everyone, chaaaarge!"

With their speed greatly hampered, the cavalry no longer had any strength left. The course of the battle changed so quickly that it was as if the two sides had never been evenly matched at all.

While the liberation army was resting up after the battle, Seliph approached Iuchar and said, "Prince Iuchar, thanks to you, we were able to save our allies. Thank you."

"Don't mention it! We're allies! And by the way, I'm not a prince anymore. I threw that title away earlier today."

"I understand, Iuchar. I look forward to working with you."

"Yeah, same here!"

-

They spent the night at the village, and arrived at Isaach Castle the next day around noon.

What Iuchar saw was there was a castle in ruin. The areas made of stone were left intact, but the rest was destroyed, torn apart, or on fire. Everything of value had been stolen.

'Father must have gotten angry and ordered this in response to my betrayal. But I actually feel relieved.'

Rivough Castle was surrounded on three sides, so the liberation army decided to wait for a while before carrying out a full attack on it. They were hoping that upon seeing their numbers, the Isaachian soldiers would come to surrender. As they'd predicted, over the course of five days, many of the soldiers snuck out of Rivough, and joined the liberation army.

When it came time to finally start the attack, they broke down the castle gate, and Iuchar led the front line into the castle. The remaining enemy soldiers didn't try to fight, instead rushing towards the main building, dismounting their horses, and running inside. 

Iuchar’s father was sitting on the throne, encased in a full suit of armor.

Iuchar readied his battle axe and slowly approached him.

"What is this? Are you trying to turn your blade against your own father?"

Iuchar didn't answer.

Danan stood up and grabbed his own axe.

Iuchar walked up to the staircase leading to the throne. The three sets of stairs his father was standing atop of made him look very tall.

'In our current positions, I'd lose the fight for sure.' Iuchar thought. 

His father didn't seem interested in giving up the high ground, so they glared at each other for a while longer.

His father's gaze made him try to remember what their relationship had been like until now. He'd been a person Iuchar couldn't possibly compare to, and tried to make him obey every order without question.

'I must forget the past, and think of what he's done! To the children, and the villagers, and my mother!'

However, it was hard to keep the exact same thoughts in his mind. Still, he tried his hardest to endure, and not give up.

He didn't know how much time had passed. Sweat broke out on his forehead.

Then--

"Iuchar!"

He heard someone scream.

It was just for a moment, but he looked away from his opponent.

That was when Danan jumped.

He tried to swing his axe at Iuchar's torso, but Iuchar was a split second faster, and dashed towards his chest.

Iuchar swung down his axe, smashing his father's helmet and lodging his weapon into the top of Danan’s head.

Iuchar heard his father's axe fall on the floor.

"Iuchar!" Larcei rushed up to him.

He slowly turned around.

"Iuchar! Thank goodness you're safe!"

-

After that, she tried to avoid him. He wondered why, but the look of relief on her face told him everything.

"I'm sorry, Iuchar. When I realized just how much you'd been forced to throw away, I couldn't bring myself to look at you. But then, when I saw you rush into the castle…"

"Don't worry about it, Larcei. The things I threw away meant nothing to me. What I gained is worth so much more."

A small smile lit up her face.

It was the first time Iuchar had ever seen her make such a kind expression.

[amplesalty]

Halloween 2020 - Day 1 - The Stand (1994) - Episode 1 The Plague

Gee, an epic post-apocalyptic story about an out of control pandemic. Never heard that one before.

Much as we like to tie the Halloween season to the Christmas one by opening up with a festive horror movie, why not link back to the TV binging that provided some content to this blog earlier in the year by partaking in this mini series? We’re only covering part one here today as this is like four feature length episodes. In a worst case scenario, the rest will serve as backups that I can plug in if I’m having an off day so to help me from falling behind. But ideally they’ll go up once a week on the same day as a standard movie post. You manage to go back to actually doing 31 entries for the first time in donkeys years and it all goes to your head and you suddenly think you can do 34!

This has actually been on my list for quite a while now, we do love a good (or bad) Stephen King adaptation around here and I have a distinct memory of seeing this on TV when I was a kid. I’m guessing it must have played over a few nights over here at some point or maybe over a bank holiday or something? Not that I really remember much in the way of details, just the cornfields and a creepy face which we’ll get on to.

It’s something that’s stuck with me over all these years, I actually got a copy of the book at one point in what must have been the early to mid 2000’s. Still have it actually, I dug it out for the sake of this entry. Seems it’s a version from 1980 from it’s first run as a paperback in the UK. Seems to have a page or two missing near the start in amongst all the copywright business but otherwise it’s in okay shape.

Even has some writing on the first page that I can only make out in parts, one section seems to read ‘an old man beats a mule’. Or perhaps, more pertinently to this story, a mute...

Cover seems a bit dull and non descript compared to the various other ones that have come out over the years. There’s something interesting to this original version with the two figures fighting, very much a literal take on the good versus evil nature of the story with one figure dressed in light colours and the other dark. The dark figure is wielding a scythe which is obviously closely associated with the Grim Reaper. Seems to have some form of beak sticking out of its hood too and the robes and shoes seem to be almost harlequin or jester type clothes?

I wasn’t really expecting much going into it, especially based on the 1990 mini-series of It. I think because of the nature of It being partly set in the 60’s, as well the contemporary portion which just looks very 80’s, gives it this image in my head of being very dated. Outside of a few actors like Tim Curry, John Ritter and Seth Green, there’s not really any notable stars in it either and even though, Green’s notably arguably came much later on. The Stand though? This thing has some names, even if the bigger ones are just small cameos. Amongst the main cast you’ve got Gary Sinise, Molly Ringwald and Rob Lowe. Obviously Ringwald isn’t a massive star or anything and is only really known for that string of John Hughes movies in the 80’s but around this time was peak Sinise. He’s not long removed from starring in Of Mice and Men (...and men....and men...) and would have roles in Forrest Gump, Apollo 13 and Ransom in the following years. Plus that big stretch in CSI:NY in the 00’s. But then you’ve got people like Ed Harris and Kathy Bates showing up, albeit briefly but these guys have some clout. I mean, Bates had just won the Academy Award a few years prior for her role in Misery so maybe she felt compelled to do more work under the King umbrella. Even the more minor roles seem like a roll call of ‘hey, it’s you!’ with Ken Jenkins (AKA Bob Kelso from Scrubs), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the proprietor of Joe Bob’s Drive In, Joe Bob Briggs.

The landscape of TV feels very different today with actors much more willing to work in the field as it’s taken on much more artistic integrity. The greater availability of shows after they’ve aired, be it through DVR, home media or streaming, has enabled people to watch in far greater numbers. There was a time when the big break was deemed to be making it to Hollywood and starring in motion picture epics but it seems more and more that story tellers are moving away from the relatively cramped 2 hour-ish format of the silver screen to having their vision play out over a long form story and the big name actors are following suit. I feel like things would have been very different back in the early 90’s so to have these names attached.

Seems for a long time there were plans to turn this into a movie, it’s even referred to during a ‘making of’ feature on the blu-ray (pretty much the only feature on there I might add) as a ‘motion picture epic’ but this must have been done way into production so either they were confused or trying to mislead viewers for some reason? Apparently in the early 80’s the idea was for the success of Creepshow to finance production of The Stand but took until the early 90’s for everyone to finally settle on the miniseries.

Very much a big budget affair too for a TV Show, $6m per episode. And it’s needed given the scale of the story, taking place in all these different locations, the special effetcs and with so many characters involved with over 125 speaking roles across the series. It’s definitely a jump up from It, even though that had the two different time periods, it only had a budget of $12m across its two parts compared to the $24m here across four parts.

But to finally address the massive elephant in the room, this story centers around an outbreak of a strain of influenza seemingly created in some shadowy government facility. After something goes awry in the lab, a doomed insider pleads with the guy watching the main gate to seal the facility but he instead piss bolts for his nearby house and hurriedly bundles his wife and child into their car as they make their escape. Everyone else is not nearly as fortunate though as the camera pans the facility, lifeless corpses strewn throughout that have seemingly dropped dead in the middle of their everyday activities, there’s even one guy doubled over on a ping pong table. All of this is set to the sounds of BOC’s Don’t Fear the Reaper and culminates with the image of a crow picking at a doll dropped by the child in the rush out of the front gate. The crow features prominently on the front cover of the blu-ray I have, perched atop of a skull. Though, I know they’re going for the whole post-apocalyptic vibe but what about the superflu is causing the road to burn up and crack like that? The bird also shows up a fair bit throughout the episode, I was going to talk about it being a raven and how such birds are linked with ill omen and death but it’s a crow apparently. Who knew? Not me, I’m no ornithologist. It also seems to be very closely linked with a mysterious figure that is alluded to throughout, a ‘dark man’ or monster.

When the original carrier of the disease makes his way into Arnette, Texas, and crashes into the gas station that Sinise’s character Stu Redman is working at, his dying words are of his efforts to escape from a dark man that was chasing him and that no one can out run him. Maybe in that moment you’d think this is just a state of delirium and he’s speaking oddly poetically about trying to outrun Death himself but as the show goes on, more and more people speak of this dark man, almost as if everyone in the grip of this disease comes to share this vision.

And speaking of visions, we can’t forget Mother Abigail and her cornfields. Both Lowe and Sinise’s characters are whisked away in their dreams to the middle of nowhere where a centurion on her porch warns of them of an ominous future. Think Mama Murphy from Fallout 4 only with much less chem addiction. The only thing Mama Abigail needs is her bread. What is it with King and fields anyway? You’ve got In the Tall Grass, plus the corn fields here and in Children of the Corn. There’s probably more I’m forgetting too. It’s either cornfields, writers in distress or killer ‘whatever I can see in front of me whilst I’m pitching this story’ with this guy.

In a way though it’s good that the show takes this supernatural turn because otherwise this would be a little too on the nose to be watching in this current climate. It’s very eerie to see such similar events play out on screen, starting with the widespread rumours and misinformation. It starts out innocently enough with talk of this so called superflu being downplayed, covered up by the government as an anthrax attack or outbreak of swineflu. I remember back to those more innocent times at the start of the year when COVID was naively dismissed as little more than another flavour of the month disease like the swineflu, sars or ebola that would be here today and gone tomorrow. But then you’ve got things like the sense of paranoia suddenly surrounding a simple cough or sneeze, talks of quarantines, social distancing, the implementation of masks (which one reporter describes as not being able to stop a flu germ with a hangover) to the more disturbing scene of lethal force being used against a TV news crew who refuse to surrender footage they’ve shot of army troops disposing of bodies. Granted, we never got anywhere near that level, I think the worst we had was that guy from CNN getting arrested or that Aussie reporter being pushed over.

They even managed to mirror how universal a pandemic like this is, from the common man to the height of celebrity. One of the characters we’re introduced to is a singer who, whilst he seems to be one of the few lucky to have some immunity, still sees his mother succumb to the virus. Just like we saw with the likes of BoJo or Tom Hanks, it really is a great leveller and, as a wise man once said, ‘You might be a King or a little street sweeper but sooner or later you dance with the Reaper!’. I guess we can take solice that we haven’t quite had the societal collapse that this show manages to pull off in less than a week, with Times Square on fire and a guy running around shooting people like he’s in Falling Down. That’s not to say we wont get there, we seem to be hovering more around general civil disobedience right now with the growing frustration of lockdown and PPE spilling out into protests.

It makes for compelling viewing to see how quickly things break down from simply a man having the sniffles to people being rounded up from their homes and ushered into army vehicles. There’s a lot to take in as the show has to establish the events taking place and introducing it’s multitude of characters so there’s not really much room to breathe. Hopefully episode 2 can relax a little now and give the cast some time to grow. There’s still some standout performances though such as Redman’s growing frustration at being cooped up in a test facility, lashing out at the doctors and nurses coming in in their hazmat suits, prodding and poking him. It would have been nice to see more scenes with him and Dr. Dietz. They have one argument where they nearly come to blows before having a big showdown by the end, with the Doc being one of the last staff members left alive, seemingly crazed by their inability to find any answers in Redman’s tests and he threatens to take his frustrations out on Redman by shooting him. He might be immune to the virus but I bet he’s not immune to a bullet. Dietz starts out with this complete lack of empathy, almost to the point of having a rather cheery deposition considering the circumstances, as he finds some fascination in the speed at which the virus causes death. But he becomes more and more short tempered and threatening as the days wear on and it would have been good to see a more gradual descent.

The aforementioned Ed Harris plays General Starkey overseeing the initial bioweapon project and the fallout of it’s outbreak, perhaps overseeing to a fault as it becomes pretty clear from his ever increasing five o’clock shadow, dishevelled clothing and massive bags under his eyes that he’s slept very sparingly since the initial breach in containment. I think for the entire time we see him, his screen never changes from a shot of one of the cooks at the base of the initial outbreak slumped over, face down in the meal he was preparing. It makes a bit of a change to go from the quite verbal exchanges of Redman and Dietz to Starkey’s physical appearance and facial expressions putting across his mood.

[foxtophat]

WHOOO BOY okay here we are! i’m all done with another mercy fic!!! that is honestly amazing, startling, thrilling, all that good shit. i am STOKED!!!

i don’t have much to say about it, other than writing kim and john interacting has been so much fun!!! i’m going to have to come up with more reasons for the two of them to hang out. when john and nick talk it’s like fighting words all the time but with kim john can actually just be a tired adult, and i think he might need that sometimes.

so, i took the fic’s title from a new mountain goats song that i really like. it’s very depressing though. even worms turn into butterflies i guess :(

as usual, the chapter is beneath the cut for those of you who don’t want to leave tumblr’s comfortable embrace.  i absolutely adore kudos, comments, likes, reblogs and those passing glances on the street as you wonder “is that the famous author of a tiny fandom’s niche survival au????”  yeah, i see you out there, looking for me. i’m carmen san diego, bitch!!! good luck with that!!!!

love you guys, have a good day, and thanks for putting up with me!!! <3

John might try to couch it in exasperation and paint it as a tactical retreat, but Kim sees him leaving for what it really is: gut instinct telling him to escape. She doesn't blame him for needing space, of course. From the way Nick watches him go, it's clear that the day's been harder than either of them have let on. She's sure that Nick will tell her the details later, but right now, it doesn't look like he has the energy. That's also fine; John's fragile emotional state is easily put on the back-burner. She has more important things to worry about right now. For one thing, she's got eighty pounds of supplies to handle and a family that's uncomfortable with the responsibility.

"It's still too much for us, isn't it," Nick says mournfully. "We gotta give more away, don't we?"

Kim privately admits to herself that she doesn't want to give any more away. Hell, she's even reluctant to give away what might be kept for bargaining later. The boxes of military rations, the ten pounds of salt, the five pounds of rice — they wouldn't have anything to worry about during winter. They wouldn't even have to leave the house if they didn't want to. But John has left all of that in a neutral fifth pile for them to divvy out equally, and Kim can't allow herself to be more selfish than him. That is absolutely unacceptable.

"We can give away the potato flakes," Kim says, diplomatically moving them to the center pile. "If we still don't feel like it's enough, we can give away more. But right now, we need to conserve the resources we have control over." Sighing hard in an attempt to blow stray hairs from her face, she adds, "Honestly, we should check that everything is still good before we decide to give anything away." After all, everything looks fine at a glance, but Kim has seen first-hand just how insidious mold can be in ill-stored supplies. Just because Jacob seemed to be prepared doesn't mean he couldn't make a mistake, and Kim isn't about to trust any Seed implicitly.

"I guess you're right," Nick replies, picking up one of the mylar bags and examining its contents through the clear side. Kim remembers the brand of powdered stock so clearly that if she closes her eyes, she can see exactly where it was stocked on the store shelves. Nick seems to be thinking the same thing, sounding strangely nostalgic as he asks, "You don't think there's still time to spice up dinner, do you?"

"Maybe if you guys had gotten here an hour ago," Kim says. "Much longer on the fire and everything is going to be mushy paste. And, again, we don't know if it's safe to use."

"Can we have these tomorrow?" Carmina asks, lifting one of the packaged rations up for approval.

"Not unless they won't last through winter," Kim replies. "Now, I know none of us are excited about five-day stew, but we can't let edible food go to waste just because there's something tastier in front of us." That doesn't do much to rally the troops, unfortunately, and Kim is stuck feeling like the bad guy, so she tries again. "Salt doesn't really go bad, though — I'm sure we can use that."

Nick accepts the terms of the compromise, thankfully, because he's an adult when he needs to be. He redirects his leftover energy towards the sealed bags, pointing Carmina towards the neutral pile. "Okay, you remember how to check whether something's gone bad, right?"

It's been a while since they've relied on store-bought goods, but Carmina hasn't forgotten best-by dates or how to spot discoloration. It's easy enough for them to determine the rations are still good; although the packaging boasts a dubious "fifty-year shelf-life," all of the wrappers are fresh and odorless. They'll have to open one up to be sure, but Kim isn't getting Carmina excited for that this close to dinner. The rice and salt are also easy passes, which means Kim hasn't made too lofty a promise to her family just by offering basic seasoning.

They don't risk breaking any seals quite yet, not without clean containers to hold everything, but it's easy to do a visual check even without opening anything up. Jacob had done his job well — other than the triple-wrapped bottles of liquor, the cache is entirely dry and moisture-free, and everything stored inside was meant to last. That tracks with what Kim knows of the oldest brother. He had been a sharp-minded survivalist; cunning, ruthless, and hard to outwit. He must have been a meticulous planner, putting all of this together, but Kim is struggling to understand what he had expected to do with it all. Like John had said — what good would food be to a man who had planned to survive the apocalypse inside a fully stocked, industrial bunker? And if he didn't trust the Project to save him, then why did he put so much effort into building its militia?

Jacob's motivations are a mystery that Kim isn't interested in solving. She's just glad that, for whatever reason, he'd buried these supplies in particular, and that he'd bothered to share the location with John. Thanks to his opaque planning, Kim can scratch some pipe-dream items off her supply list, and that's good enough for her. Honestly, food had been the last thing she'd suspected John could help them with — she still has trouble believing it's all here in front of her.

With Nick and Carmina studiously inspecting the cache supplies, Kim takes some time to pull the food from the fire. It's the third day they've eaten from this particular batch of stew, and the newest ingredients she put in today are almost a week old. The only thing she can say in favor of their leftovers at this point is that there isn't a lot of it left. She can only hope the salt helps, otherwise she's going to cave on the military rations herself.

Kim brings the pot into the kitchen, then decides it's time to check on John. There's a slim chance that he might have decided to disappear into the hangar, or walked as far as the end of the drive, and Kim isn't going to stand around shouting for him like some kind of Little Home on the Prairie character. She gives Nick a thumbs up as she heads for the front door; he doesn't stop her, but the crease in his brow tells her he wants to.

There's a path laid in the dirt between the porch and the truck where John clearly had been pacing, but when Kim comes outside, he's sitting motionless on the porch steps. He doesn't react as Kim comes up next to him, his elbows resting on his knees as he presses his forehead against his palms. She can't tell if he's ignoring her on purpose, or if he's just so deep in thought that he doesn't realize she's there. His turmoil tends to give him tunnel-vision, and he doesn't always notice his surroundings.

Kim doesn't think he's trying to give her the silent treatment, so she gives in first. "Dinner's going to be ready any minute," she tells him. "It's going to be the last tasteless meal for a while, so I hope you're excited."

"Thrilled," he replies, with just enough sarcasm for Kim to trust she isn't interrupting him mid-crisis. She gives him a minute, and sure enough, he eventually drops his hands from his face. Sighing heavily, he addresses the dirt when he speaks. "I take it I'll need a good excuse to get out of eating."

"Maybe if you had eaten breakfast, I'd be more willing to look the other way." Even though she knows John won't take her concern seriously, she can't completely hide it under her exasperation. She tries for his sake, but it's a lost cause. "I don't think you've finished a meal in days."

John closes his eyes briefly. "I haven't been hungry," he says.

Kim wishes he would be more petulant about it. She can handle it when John acts like a child — she's got nine years of raising Carmina under her belt, after all — but John's resignation is a weariness that reflects her own. She doesn't know how to help him with it any more than she knows how to help herself. She can hardly help Nick when he gets like this. She has no idea how to handle John.

Kim cranes her neck as she checks on Nick and Carmina, who are still busy with the supplies. Satisfied that they aren't in any immediate danger, she finally takes a seat next to John on the porch. He still doesn't look at her, his eyes fixed on his hands, but she's hardly surprised. She turns her own gaze to the truck, glinting in the sunset, and tries to follow the tire-tracks backward. She bets the dirt's held their tracks all the way back to the field.

"If it makes you feel better, my appetite has been terrible, too. Sometimes, all I can do is try to keep everything down." She sighs, lamenting mostly to herself, "What I wouldn't give for a Big Mac right now."

That earns her an amused huff from John, which is better than she'd expected. If he's able to tolerate her bad jokes, then at least she can be sure she isn't making things worse.

"At least once we get through our leftovers, we'll be able to start adding those emergency rations into rotation," Kim continues. John probably doesn't care about meal planning, but Kim doesn't need him to be an interested sounding board. "And with the extra seasoning, even our leftovers are going to be better than they were." She knows she's pushing it when she tries to relate, but she can't help commenting, "It was lucky that Jacob squirreled so much food away."

"That isn't what he would call it," John heaves. His fingers twist against his jeans. "He was prepared for anything that might happen. Luck had nothing to do with it."

"It was lucky for us," Kim points out. "And, you know... considering how much effort he put into hiding it, I bet he'd be relieved to know that you were able to find it after all this time."

"It doesn't matter what he'd think. He's dead."

John takes a sharp breath after he spits the comment out and Kim watches the regret bloom in real time, his scowl deepening as he stares at the dirt. Sometimes, she suspects he beats himself up like this because they refuse to do it for him. She wishes he would stop, already. It used to annoy her, but lately, it's only managed to make her feel terribly sad.

"Maybe it doesn't matter to him, but it might make you feel better."

John barks out a noise that hardly resembles a laugh. "Nothing is going to make me feel better ," he snaps, his anger flaring up and dissipating too abruptly for him to keep hold of it. All it leaves behind is resignation. "It doesn't matter. He'll just... My nightmares will latch on to anything. Jacob will never be happy in them." He sighs, burying his hands in his hair, twisting his fingers as though he might pull clumps out by the root. "Nothing I do helps. I just want it to stop ."

Kim wishes she had a solution for him, but she has nothing besides a lame suggestion to get more rest. That clearly hasn't worked for any of them, let alone John, who treats his nightmares like physical intruders instead of figments of his imagination. She doesn't know what they do to haunt him so badly, and she isn't sure she's ready to learn. She's only just now starting to get used to him as a person — she's not ready to unpack all of his damage.

John sighs and rubs his temples. "I knew Jacob didn't believe," he admits. "Not in the religious doctrine, anyway. But I didn't know that he had... planned around it. If I'd known, then maybe..."

John trails off, and Kim hums sympathetically after he fails to pick back up. Most of John's trauma is bespoke to him and him alone, but this is something that any survivor would be able to commiserate with. "Hindsight really does suck," she says. "Trust me, you're not the only one wondering what could've gone differently."

Usually, John is almost impossible to console, but it seems like the day has worn the fight right out of him. He only shakes his head miserably at her attempt to sympathize. "It wouldn't have been any better," he mutters. "It would only have been a different kind of worse."

"Maybe," Kim supposes, although she's not entirely convinced. There were plenty of points between the Project's arrival and the Collapse where a split in leadership would have benefited everybody. She's thought about it before now, remembering rare moments when she'd thought she'd seen something beneath the veneer of otherwise devout believers. She's wondered more than once what might've happened, if only they had convinced the right person to turn their back. God, she's hypothesized about a thousand missed opportunities left in that half-decade. There are a million ways things could have turned out better for even just one more person.

At last, Kim surrenders her side of the conversation — or what's left of it, anyway. "Well, for whatever it's worth, you've done us a big favor, and we're not going to let it go to waste. And a lot of people are going to benefit from your hard work."

John takes a deep, unhappy breath. "Yes," he says. He opens his mouth to soften the word with something else, something to hide the fact that he still depends on blind acceptance when overwhelmed, but he can't seem to come up with anything.

Kim doesn't need an excuse. She puts a hand on his shoulder, feeling him tense under her gentle grip, anticipating more than simple reassurance. It offended her at first, how often he seemed to expect them to be violent with him. The idea that he thought either of them were capable of the same awfulness as the cult had pissed her off. But nowadays, she's come to accept that it's simply hardwiring left over from before. She's not sure there's anything to be done about it at this point.

There are no platitudes she can offer him that wouldn't sound insincere, so she relies on facts. "When you're ready, come inside and try to eat something. You look like you wore yourself out."

John's tension slowly ebbs. "I... may have overdone it," he admits somewhat reluctantly, which tells Kim that he definitely overdid it. He scrubs his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "I needed to know I was right. I... needed him to know I hadn't forgotten."

So much for Jacob being too dead to care about. Despite everything, Kim can't help but sympathize. She feels his remorse in her own way whenever she thinks about her parents, and she knows that everybody carries something like that with them these days. She might not be haunted by her parents the way John is, but she thinks she can understand his sorrow. It might be the only thing about him she really gets.

"That's okay," she tells him, because it is, and somebody should tell him as much. "But you can't let it get in the way of taking care of yourself."

He nods, but Kim knows he doesn't believe her. He treats every attempt to reassure him as empty platitudes — not that she can blame him, really. But sometimes, like right now, she wonders if he would be less inclined to beat himself up so much if they'd just punished him the way he'd wanted from the start. It's just her exasperation talking, frustrated by his continued misery. John needs time, just like the rest of them, and beating him up ten months ago would only have made things worse.

A loud thud interrupts them, followed immediately by Carmina shouting, " Ow !" Nick starts to laugh, which keeps Kim from getting particularly worried about Carmina's safety, but she still gets up to investigate. John doesn't follow, although she catches him turning his head to watch her as she heads inside.

Nick, still seated at the table, laughs at their daughter as she lies sprawled back on the ground, her feet still guiltily stuck in the barrel.

"Told you, you're too big! No way you'd fit."

"I had to try ," Carmina grumbles as she kicks her way out of the barrel.

" Why ?" Kim laughs.

"I dunno, I just had to!"

"Too bad I don't have a blow-torch," Nick laments. "We could've put some eye-holes in it for you, like a helmet. Maybe then you'd be able to ride around in the truck-bed without your mom getting all worked up."

Carmina gasps. " Really ?"

Kim is quick to smother that particular idea. " No ," she cuts in, trying not to laugh at the mental image that her husband's conjured up. She tries to guilt Nick with an exasperated glance, but the bastard doesn't look even remotely repentant about suggesting armor to their child. "There has to be a better use for it than that. Anyway, armored or not, I don't want you to get thrown out of the back of a moving vehicle! I don't know why that's so unreasonable."

Carmina opens her mouth to argue the point, but she's abruptly distracted as she glances into the barrel. Rearranging her legs to sit on her knees, she pulls the barrel towards her. Kim would write it off if it weren't for Carmina's obvious confusion as she peers inside.

"There's more stuff in here," she reveals, tipping the barrel upright. She's uncharacteristically uneasy as she mentions, "Um, I think it's cult stuff..."

Kim is the first one to investigate, peering down into what she'd thought was an empty cache. She finds a circular metal disk wedged catty-corner into the barrel, revealing a hidden compartment. Reaching past the false bottom, Kim finds some black fabric and a box. She figures out the tee-shirts from the tags inside the collars of the factory-starched fabric, but hesitates to investigate the rest. The other packages stored away had been factory-sealed and clearly labeled cardboard boxes; there was no hiding what was in those. This, on the other hand, is a wooden cigar box with no seals, the Eden's Gate cross etched elaborately into the lid.

"Uh, John?" Nick calls as Kim sets the box down on top of the shirts. She wonders if she should open it, or if it might be some kind of trap. Nick looks deeply distrusting as he stares at the emblem and repeats louder, "John?"

John is more confused than any of them when he enters the scene. He scowls as soon as he sees the box sitting on the table, which would be hard to miss even without Nick gesturing widely towards it. "Where did you find that?" he asks, looking from Nick to Carmina as if they might have different stories to give him.

"Where do you think, Mars?" Nick exclaims, exasperated. "You wanna tell me what's inside?"

"I don't know ," John grits out, "I haven't looked ."

But it's clear from his expression that he has an idea of what they're dealing with. He crosses the room and hovers momentarily in front of the box, flipping the lid open before Kim can decide if that's a good idea. It could be a bomb. It could have a tripwire. She doesn't want her home ruined by Bliss all over again!

Of course, nothing happens. Kim supposes that if it had been a trap, Carmina would have set it off by climbing on top of it. The reality is much less ominous than she could have expected. She hovers near John as he pulls a clean moleskin journal out, watching him flip through the blank pages before dismissing it. He's slower to write off the folded mass of paper that he takes out next, although he doesn't examine it right away. Kim doesn't need him to unfold it to see the topography lines and highway markers printed on it.

"An empty journal, a map, and..."

John scowls at the twenty or so bullets that rattle around at the bottom of the cigar box. They can't be any different from the rest of the ammunition, but for some reason, the sight of them triggers a sense of dread in Kim. After all, what kind of ammunition would Jacob have thought needed to be secreted away? It can't be good. It can't possibly be safe .

"Ah," John says. Kim can't say for sure, but he seems almost disappointed.

"What are they?" Nick asks.

"Bullets we infused with Bliss." John tilts the box, examining the ammunition as best he can without touching it. Kim can't help but want to snatch Carmina away, but they're past the point of hiding these things from her. She has a right to understand just how dangerous the cult was. But there's also a lingering fear that somehow, Carmina might be affected by that god-awful drug, even if it's from ten-year-old bullets.

"You don't have to worry," John says. He doesn't need to look up for Kim to know he's talking to her. "The drug would be inert by now."

"What should we do with them, then?" Nick asks.

"Destroy them," John replies honestly. "If not that, then... store them away. We don't need them, but..."

"But it would be stupid to throw away good ammunition," Kim finishes as John trails off.

"Exactly."

None of them make a move to take either action. Kim supposes that the bullets aren't hurting anyone right now, just sitting there, and it seems like Carmina is more interested in the map than the ammunition. She's trying and failing to peek at the folded pages without undoing the whole mess. They didn't have a map in the bunker, which means that this will be Carmina's first chance to see her home spread out as a whole.

"Here, let me," Kim tells her daughter. Nick takes her cue, clearing a space on the table for her as she picks up the map. All eyes are on the accordion folds as they unravel, revealing more and more of the county. Black stars dot locations Kim remembers, like Lorna's and Rae Rae's, and circled points of nothing are marked in the middle of empty fields and mountain road turnoffs. The key is neatly printed in the upper left corner; beneath it is a uniform list of numbers, most likely coordinates, written briskly in red ink.

Even without the key, Kim thinks she understands the various marks around the map. Spread out in front of them, she can see double circles around power boxes, and she spots a few other locations with the same notation. Stars are placed next to several prominent people's homes, including their own. There are other things, too — little ink drawings of wolves, bears and deer in spots across the map. A few lakes have the names of fish written over them in the same blocky letters as the food packaging; the river bend nearest to their home has the word BASS written neatly along the bend.

Standing next to Kim, staring down at the map, John finally says, "This doesn't make any sense."

Nick opens his mouth to respond, probably with something sarcastic, but he thinks better of it and goes a different route. "Why would he hide this stuff?" he asks. "I mean, I get the bullets, I guess... but hiding the map seems weird."

John scowls at the box in his hands, closing the lid vengefully. "This is what the cache should have been," he says. "It should have more of this — more weapons, more maps, more intel . What about all of the blueprints we'd drawn up for housing? Instructions on how to reconnect the power grid, or the deeds to prove we owned the land — that would help, no matter what you believed! We were prepared for an apocalypse, but — where is it all? Sugar and rice and cigarettes aren't helping anybody!"

Kim can't blame John for getting upset, although she wishes he wouldn't shout around Carmina. Knowing that Jacob had planned for the possibility of the Project not being around is one thing, but it must be particularly rough to see obvious signs of a long-forgotten plan. Especially one that John hadn't been told anything about, with only a few disjointed clues left for him to piece back together.

To her surprise, it's Nick who comes to John's rescue, standing to draw John's attention before he completely spirals. "Come on, that's not true. You know we need food more than anything else." He gestures towards the open map. "Besides, there are plenty of other spots we can check. And now we know what we're looking for, right?"

John sighs heavily. "Yes," he agrees.

"Okay," Nick continues, "And now we've got rations and a tent to take with us, so we don't go through another long day like today. Right?"

John rolls his eyes. It's no secret that he hates it when they treat him like a child, but there's not enough outrage left in him to get angry about it. Instead, he drops his eyes to the ground and agrees with a despondent, "Yes."

"So, alright, maybe we aren't going to learn how to reconnect the power grid, or how to build a solar water purifier, or whatever. But at least we know we're not going to struggle through winter. Neither is Grace, or the gang, or the town."

"I know," John sighs. "I know." He drops the box onto the table, grimacing at the sound it makes. "The map alone is worth all of today's effort." He doesn't look convinced, but Kim can appreciate his almost-apology for what it is.

Carmina, who has been examining the map to avoid John's outburst, finally sees an opening to speak up. "Um... Where is our house?" she asks.

Nick squints over the map, trying to pinpoint the spot from his upside-down vantage point. Neither he nor Kim are quick enough to answer, though, as John reaches out and taps his finger against one of the black stars in the lower-left corner. He doesn't even have to look — he clearly memorized their location a long time ago.

"Here," he says.

"Oh, good," Nick sighs, "We got a star."

"It meant you had something useful that you weren't willing to give up." John's finger drags across the paper to the label on the river. "But I don't understand why he marked fishing spots. And hunting locations. And these..." He taps the red numbers. Kim spots a few red dots on the map, hopefully corresponding to the coordinates, but they seem to be in random locations. Whatever logic the Project was using, Kim can't make it out.

"I don't know what any of these are," John says. His voice lacks the anger from moments ago, replaced by a growing fascination with the mysterious notations. "They're all up in the mountains, so I think... Well, except...."

He moves around Carmina, who watches him with wide eyes as he seems to forget she's standing right next to him. John's given her more attention in the last hour than he has this entire year, but it figures that his indifference to her is what's sticking out.

"This one," he says, tapping a red dot near the old Eden's Gate compound. "This might be the furthest south... No, wait. This one." He moves his attention again, indicating another red spot closer to town.

"Are they more barrels?" Carmina asks.

John is momentarily startled to find Carmina right beside him, but he doesn't immediately leap away to put some distance back. Mostly because doing so would send him right into Kim's personal space. "It could be," he admits, only letting Carmina's input rattle him for a second before he turns his attention back to the map. "They must have been late additions. But... I didn't hear anything about these, and I don't remember seeing them on other maps. If they were for the Project, I would have found out about them eventually."

"Wouldn't they have told you upfront?" Nick asks, surprised when John chuckles in response.

"There were plenty of things I had to learn second-hand. There are probably more secrets I never learned at all. But — this cache was buried weeks before the Reaping. We kept our maps updated almost daily, but I don't remember either of these being marked. And there's one at the compound... I would remember emergency supplies being stored at the church."

Carmina stands on the opposite side of John from Kim, watching his hand move as he talks. Seeing the two of them side-by-side should probably upset Kim. She should be worried about her daughter putting too much trust in John — even if he wants to do the right thing now, he doesn't always understand what the right thing might be, and Carmina is at an impressionable age. If John says or does something wrong, he could shift Carmina's entire worldview.

In reality, though, Kim doesn't particularly mind. John is clearly not comfortable around Carmina, even though her lukewarm interest in him is hardly a threat, and he's highly cautious when he talks to her. Whether it's because Carmina is Nick's kid, or because he's bad with kids in general, Kim doesn't know. All she knows is that John is always careful with his words when Carmina is around.

"Stars are people's homes, right?" Carmina asks. "What about crosses?"

John frowns, tearing his eyes away from the mystery coordinates long enough to look where Carmina is pointing. "Shrines," he tells her. He points out a few more symbols, although it's clear he's doing it to keep her from asking him more questions. "Triangles are silos. Circles are established caches. Unfilled squares are locations we wanted. Filled squares are places we owned."

Carmina frowns at the map. "There are a lot of those."

Nick clears his throat loudly, and John immediately opens his mouth to apologize. Nick doesn't seem to need it, though, scratching at his chin as he tells Carmina, "The cult stole a lot of property right from underneath the real owners. They didn't actually own any of it. They just lied, and pretended."

John frowns, but he makes no effort to defend the cult one way or another. "And now the Project holds none of it," he says, gesturing at the map. "You could take it all back. Nobody will be there to stop you."

"Yeah, assuming any of it is still useful."

"We're one-for-one so far," Kim points out. Nick purses his lips at her taking John's side, but he's the one who suggested armoring up Carmina earlier — he can deal with a little payback. "Besides, I think we could all use a little direction right now. Something to work towards beyond surviving day-to-day."

"There could still be useful intelligence stored away," John says. "Jacob had plans for a multitude of projects we could make use of. The only problem I can see is that Joseph might have a similar map. We may have to compete with him for resources."

"From what I've heard, they've been keeping to themselves. Something about Mennonites with bows and arrows, I don't know." Nick waves a hand dismissively over the map. "If we can use cult resources against Joseph, then I'm all for it."

"That makes two of us," John agrees.

Kim's eyes rove across the map, following the river eastward. The cattle ranch is marked by a star and a cross, but there isn't much there to see along the southern border; for whatever reason, the cult focused most of their resources on the northern half of the valley. It isn't until the now-jungles of the Henbane's territory that more outposts pop up, although she can't imagine any of them are used now. According to what's left of the rumor mill, the cult has mostly remained on what used to be Dutch's island. So far, they haven't seemed interested in making contact with outsiders, much less trying to make amends — if John and Nick do go out and encounter some cultists, she can't know how it will turn out. They seem to want to keep to themselves — but how long can that possibly last?

It's a worry that she'll have to deal with later. She's already anxious enough for the present; she doesn't need to add future paranoia to the mix. For now, she can focus on appreciating the stark benefits laid out on the table in front of her. Even if Joseph has his own map, he doesn't have gasoline, or working vehicles, or guns . He doesn't have radio communication across the entire county, whereas monopolizing the resources will only take Kim a few quick calls. Anything the cult tries to pull off will have to be done much more slowly, and with Joseph being in control of it all. It's a strange way for the tables to turn, but Kim can't say she doesn't like the satisfaction it brings, knowing that they're at least one step ahead of the Project. It only took, what, nine years?

"Well, damn, John," Nick says at last, "Way to set the bar high for next time."

"Don't expect more miracles," John replies, lifting one hand neutrally. But there's something in his expression, a sort of awkward bashfulness, that reminds Kim of Nick's own humble pride. Kim's surprised to find that humility is a good fit for John. It's better than the cold arrogance he used to display, that's for sure. Who knows — maybe in a few years, it won't take dragging him through one long, emotionally-draining day to get him to open up. If they're lucky, it won't take that long, but knowing John, he'll fight it every step of the way.

That's okay, though. Kim's got more than enough patience to wait him out.

[dayseternal-blog]

A NaruHina fanfic based off of shamy’s doujinshi posted May 31, 2019.  Please check out her 5-panel illustration!

Read Chapter 1 here.

Read Chapter 2 here.

Chapter 3: Better than J-dramas

She was looking at me a lot, right?  

He slumps down into his couch at home, pondering the girl he just met.  

It could just be that she was shy, knew him the best, and so she felt more comfortable turning to him during their lunch break.  

Or, it could be his imagination, his ego, talking.  But he doesn’t want to be one of those guys, who thinks that every time a girl smiles at him, that means she’s into him.

Or…

He tilts his head in thought.  Maybe she liked me a little?

True, they just met, but he’s a pretty attractive guy, right?  He knows he’s not ugly, maybe not a 10, but not like a 3, either.  He works out regularly, and in his own, awesome opinion, he thinks he’s pretty nice.

Would I like that?  

If she is interested in him?

He wouldn’t mind it…

She was rather pretty.  She had a nice face and nice skin.  Nice, interesting eyes.  Nice hair.  Nice voice.  She was a nice girl.  Cute.

Not very fashionable, with her long skirt and sweater layered over another sweater, but maybe that just means she’s not high maintenance (unlike his semi-serious, acting-major ex Shion from sophomore year).

It’s not like he’s really fashionable, either.

He recalls her quiet smiles and determined expressions.  Yeah, she was cute.  She definitely seemed sorta innocent, which is a quality he doesn’t see too often in girls his age anymore.  That seems to really up her appeal to him in ways he doesn’t want to self-examine.    

Wonder if she has a boyfriend.  

He remembers everything she told him and the things he learned about her online.  He knows she doesn’t have any social media accounts, or they at least don’t pop up on search engines.  And nothing she said hinted at a special someone.

She did talk about a few friends.  

He frowns at the extent of his contemplation.  I should just ask her out!   It wouldn’t be a big deal because if she says no, he’d probably never see her again after the concert, unless she has another concert, but it’s whatever.  

He’s old enough to ask people out casually, isn’t he?  

It’s just not something he’s ever really done.  With his “free” time in college spent in various theatres around town part-timing, building his network, or watching other shows to learn new design ideas, he doesn’t exactly have a strong dating history.  Usually Sakura makes it her personal mission to hook him up with someone, but it’d be nice to not wait for her to find him his next maybe-we’re-together-but-maybe-we’re-just-seeing-each-other fling that inevitably ends because the girl can’t handle his fluctuating work schedule (Monday and Tuesday or Thursday off, work some weekday nights and every weekend).  

Imagine if he told her he started dating someone without her help!  Hah!  He’s not a helpless case after all!

Anyway, it’s not a big deal.        

He can do it.

And, if he doesn’t start now, Sakura will run out of willing friends eventually, and he’ll have to start signing up for those dating apps and “sliding” into random people’s DMs, and, well, he’d rather not?

Yeah, yeah, I’ll ask her out for coffee or something.

With that matter settled and tucked away for later, he grabs the remote, turns on the streaming app, and navigates the site to the drama.  It’s only 13 episodes long, one hour each. He can definitely marathon it, especially since he doesn’t have to go in for work in the morning.

He’s halfway through the first episode when his flatmate, his best friend, walks in.  “Oh, you’re watching Picture Tomorrow.”  

Naruto turns to hear Sasuke dumping his stuff in the kitchen.  “Yeah, did you watch this?”

“Sakura made me.”

Figures.  Naruto turns back to the show.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“I’m not?”

“Well, of course not since the girl dies at the end.”

Naruto turns furiously to see him standing there indifferently.  He throws his hands up.  “Sasuke!”

“What.  You didn’t know that?  How could you not know that?”

“Well, I didn’t!”

“Oh.”  Sasuke retreats back to the kitchen.

With the end spoiled, Naruto continues the show with less enthusiasm than before.  He watches the love interest gaze at the simpleminded heroine curiously.   She’s gonna die!  Don’t fall in love with her!   He sighs as he realizes every single moment watching this drama will now be colored with those thoughts.  “Did you like it?” he questions loud enough for Sasuke to hear over the sound of the sink’s running water.

“...”

Naruto watches Sasuke silently deliberating across the serving counter.  If he hated it, he would have said so already.  “So it’s a good show, then?”

“It’s interesting.”

That’s pretty much Sasuke-speak for ‘it’s great.’  “I’m gonna marathon the whole thing tonight.  You wanna join?”

Sasuke grimaces at him.  

But a couple minutes later, after he microwaves some leftovers, he joins him on the couch.

“Oh, this is one of her songs,” Naruto comments aloud as the episode flashes a few sponsors before a commercial break.

Sasuke turns to look at him.

“Hinata, the pianist.  She’s having a concert at HKT this Saturday, and I’m her point person,” he explains.

Sasuke silently nods.

Throughout the drama, he vocally notices her songs.  “This is her song, too...think this one’s called ‘Finally Arrived.’”  He mentally considers that the music sounds different from her online profile, like with other instruments added, and he doesn’t doubt that she composed the music for them, too.  “Gee, she’s really talented.”  

“Hn.”

Eventually Sasuke leaves him alone, and it’s a good thing because when the heroine tells her love interest her diagnosis, but they start dating anyway, Naruto finds himself tearing up.  

By morning, he’s got a permanent frown on his face when she tells him she wants to break up with him, while keeping her terminally ill prognosis secret.

Sasuke comes out, readying for work.

“Sasukeeee...why…” he exhaustedly whines.  

“I told you you wouldn’t like it.”

“No, no, I like it...I think…”

“Are there still tickets for her concert?”

“Wha?  Oh, I dunno...probably…ugh I hate this show...I mean I don’t hate it…”

“Stupid.”

“Noo, this is your fault.”

“Later.”  The door clicks shut, and Naruto is left alone to wallow in his misery.

Sasuke doesn’t come back that night, probably staying over at Sakura’s place, so he doesn’t have anyone to voice his thoughts to until the next day when he goes in for work.  

He tells the rest of the crew about how his jerk of a flatmate spoiled the ending, and how touching it was that the boyfriend ended up becoming a cancer researcher.  

To which their only reaction of note is how Naruto didn’t know that the girl was going to die at the end.  “How did you not know that?”  “The novel’s been on the best-selling list all season!”

“I just didn’t know!”

When Hinata comes in for her rehearsal, he unthinkingly engages her in his venting.  “I finally watched Picture Tomorrow!” he informs her.

Her lips turn up slightly.  “Oh, did you like it?”

“Yes!  I hated it.”

“Oh…”

“It was so sad,” he bemoans.

“So...you didn’t like it?” she asks.

“No, it was great!  It was awful,” he clarifies for her.

It starts quietly, her giggle.  He watches her light grey eyes disappear into small slits under dark lashes, and he’s momentarily struck by the realization that he made her laugh.

“Your music was great, too,” he adds, and he suddenly finds himself much more taken with her smile than the drama.  She’s wearing make-up today.  And a dress.  “It completely tied together every scene, it was really nice.”

Her eyes, her entire expression, shines up at him.  “Thank you.  I’m glad you liked it.”

“Yeah...”  He works his hand into the back of his neck.  Right before the rehearsal starts would not be a good time to ask her out.  So, he redirects his thoughts to his work.  “Are you ready to get started?”

She nods, her shy gaze still focused on him, her cheeks still lightly pink from her laughter.

And he notes how she still looks happy as she follows him toward the stage.

He and the rest of the crew clap and give her cheers as she bows to the empty seats.  

She turns and looks at him, smiling a scrunched up, embarrassed and amused expression at their antics.

He grins at her, making sure to holler an extra loud “Wooh!”

Her mouth seems to drop open in surprise, her brows furrowing in confusion at his enthusiasm as she comes off the stage into the wings.  

“We won’t be able to cheer you on tomorrow night, so we gotta do it today,” he explains.  Tomorrow they’ll all be in work-mode.  Silent and invisible.  

“Oh,” she answers thoughtfully.  “Thank you.”

“Yeah!  Everything sounded great.  Looks like we’re ready for tomorrow!”  

She smiles in agreement and nods.  

He feels his weight tipping forward toward his toes, an antsiness that urges him to bounce on his feet.  Now’s the time, now’s the time.

His senior’s yell bursts through his thoughts.  “Hinata!  Before you go, I wanted to know if you’d sign this sheet music for my wife.  She teaches your songs to some of her piano students.”

She turns from him, her smile directed away.  “Oh, sure!”

Naruto lets out a silent sigh.

He doesn’t get another moment alone with her, and he doesn’t want to subject himself or Hinata to the pressure of asking her out in front of everyone.

It’s only later that night when he’s leaving the theatre and walking to the bus stop that it occurs to him he could message her.  He has her number saved, at the time it was for “just in case” as her point person.  

Well, but asking her out in a message seems like a cop out.

He fiddles with his phone for a few seconds before opening a new thread.  

“Hey Hinata this is Naruto”  

He sends it before he can regret it.

He waits a minute.  

Nothing.

She might be one of those people who doesn’t obsessively check their phone’s notifications.

He starts typing again.  

“We’re all getting dinner around 4:30 tomorrow.  You’re welcome to join us before your warmup”  

He stares at his phone for a few seconds before pocketing it.  Based on her response, he might be able to gauge her interest in him.  If she responds.

His phone vibrates when he’s nearing his stop, and he’s relieved to see that it’s her as he exits the bus.

“Hello, Naruto, thank you :)  I’ll be there!”

A positive response.  A pretty normal, positive response.  

He doesn’t gauge anything from it, and now he has to figure out how to reply.  For anyone else, he would just “like” her reply.

But she’s not exactly just anyone, and he kind of wants her to notice him the way he’s noticing her.

“Great, see you tomorrow”

He considers adding “have a good night,” quickly decides against it, and presses send.

Her reply comes almost automatically.  “Yes, have a good night :)”

He frowns at his phone.  He should have just added it the first time.  Now is it weird to drag on the conversation?  Why didn’t she just say “see you tomorrow” in response?

Before he can take any longer thinking about it, he sends a short message.  

“You too”

He lets out a long breath.  

The last time he exchanged messages with a girl (that wasn’t a platonic friend) was three months ago.  That contact didn’t last past the first date, set up by Sakura.

They were incompatible.  Little attraction on both sides when it came to conversation.

It would be nice if he could have a relationship.  None of this waiting around, none of this feeling the other person out, none of this second-guessing every move, or just trying to make a move.  

He’s ready for more.

He's ready for someone to share some sweetness with.

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @NikoleStilinski24!

Dear @nikolestilinski24,

You asked for Online Dating and Misunderstandings or Alive Hale Family Christmas with kids. I chose to do Alive Hale Family Christmas and Kids since I absolutely suck at writing the kind of witty dialogues you need to create a credible online persona lol. I don’t know if this is as fun as you wanted it to be but I hope you like it! Merry Christmas!

*****

5 times Stiles started a Christmas tradition with the Hales + 1 time he didn’t have to

One: Movie and Hot Chocolate

Stiles had known about the Hales. It was impossible not to when you lived in Beacon Hills. Cora had been his classmate, Laura had babysitted him a few times when his mother was ill, Daniel had been a the top scorer at his favourite game at the arcade and 18 year old Derek Hale had been the one that made 12 year old Stiles realise he liked boys too but this was the first time he had seen so many of them together.

A few months back Derek had returned from New York after completing his Masters and opened a bookstore. Stiles had not thought Derek could get any more attractive but the sweater wearing, tea drinking, bespectacled Derek that had greeted him had been way more attractive than the kind but cocky jock young Stiles had had a crush on. A few deliriously happy months and some wonderful dates later and Stiles was attending his first Hale family Christmas.

It was kind of intimidating to see Derek’s immediate family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and what seemed like dozens of kids under one roof but the house was warm and smelled like gingerbread cookies and he could feel Derek's arms around him as they cuddled on the couch.

Derek kissed him on top of his head and whispered, “You okay?”

“I’m great. So how long have you been doing this for?”

“Oh forever. Granma Hale started it when Mom was born. I think the gingerbread cookies started when Cora was born though.”

“Dad and I watch Die Hard on Christmas.”

Stiles knew Derek’s stance on Die Hard not being a Christmas movie and enjoyed the way his nose scrunched. “We can do that tomorrow if you want.” Derek said finally.

“No need to get so excited about it honey.”

Derek kissed him again, “I don’t care what we watch as long as it’s together”

Cora who had been silent until now despite sitting next to them gave them a dirty look and said, “Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone to cuddle with this Christmas. Maybe you should shut up before I barf all over you.”

Stiles snickered and cuddled closer to Derek. He was feeling pretty lucky tonight. It wasn’t something he had done before but he was sure he’d enjoy watching It’s a wonderful life and drinking hot chocolate every Christmas Eve with the Hales.

Two: Full Moon Run

The Hale house was a flurry of activity when Stiles got there. He waved at Talia who was standing outside directing the people putting decorations all over the lawn.

“Hey Talia” Stiles said and hugged her. She kissed his cheek and smiled at him fondly.

“Hi honey. I’m glad you’re here. Laura and Derek are trying to bake a cake.”

“Together?” Stiles said suddenly feeling a little scared. Laura and Derek while decent bakers on their own, were an absolute disaster when they tried to do it together. Both of them had a pretty mean competitive streak and were never satisfied with each other’s process while baking.

Talia shuddered a little. “Yes. James is keeping a watch but maybe you should be there too.”

“I will. Dad is coming over to help out with the grill after his shift.”

“That’s great. I haven’t seen the Sheriff in so long!”

Stiles walked into the kitchen and could feel how tense the atmosphere was. James, Laura’s husband winked at him and mimed slicing his neck. Stiles stifled a chuckle and went and wrapped his arms around Derek. “Happy Christmas Full Moon” He said and kissed Derek’s cheek.

He could feel the tension drain out of Derek as he laughed and gave himself an imaginary pat on the back. “It’s not called that.”

“Why not? The only reason you have a party along with a run this full moon is because it’s Christmas time. That’s the perfect name” Stiles said exaggeratedly.

“Whatever you say babe. Laura, I’m not baking anymore. I need to show Stiles around.”

“At least come up with a believable lie DerBear. Stiles has been coming to the house for years, I’m pretty sure he knows where everything is.” Laura said as she made a face at Derek.

“Okay then. I missed my fiancé because he’s been working a lot the past few days and I’d like to go and make out with him now.”

“Fiancé” Stiles sighed, “I don’t think I’m getting tired of hearing that anytime soon.”

“Wait till I start calling you husband.” Derek said and kissed him. Stiles kissed him back and moved his fingers to Derek’s hair.

“Hey! Take that out of my kitchen. You’re contaminating the cake.” Laura shouted.

Stiles laughed and followed Derek out into the yard. Hours later they were lying next to the bonfire watching the kids run around. “I could get used to this” Stiles said as he ran his fingers through Derek who was currently a wolf. Derek woofed and licked his cheek.

Three: Our own tree

One of the things Stiles loved most about Derek was how he could always surprise Stiles. If anyone had told him that Derek Hale who hated crowds and preferred staying at home and watching a movie instead of going out for dinner would navigate him expertly through the crowds in Target two weeks before Christmas he never would have believed them.

They’d gotten married this summer and giving presents together or signing Stilinski-Hale on cards was a novelty he didn’t want to get used to anytime soon. Derek was holding his hand and scanning the aisles for items from the gift list they’d made together. Stiles was pretty sure he had a sappy smile on his face as he looked at his husband but he couldn’t help himself.

It took him a moment to realise they weren’t walking anymore and he saw that Derek was standing in front of an aisle full of ornaments.

“Hey” Stiles said as he nudged Derek. “I thought we weren’t getting a tree of our own”

“Maybe we should.” Derek looked a little nervous when he turned towards him. “I know we go to my parents house for the holidays but I want one with you. A tree we can add ornaments to every year. Something to decorate with the kids.”

“Kids? Getting a little too excited aren’t you Mr. Hale?” Stiles said teasingly.

“Mr. Stilinski-Hale” Derek corrected him and pinched his nose. “So? What do you think? Do you want to?”

“I think I hit the lottery when I walked into that book store years ago.” He said smiling softly. “Let’s get the tree and the ornaments but I’d like some more time to keep you to myself. Maybe we’ll have a kid when we come shopping in a few years”

“Maybe we will” Derek said and kissed him.

Four: Matching Pajamas

The past two years had been one of the hardest of Stiles life. He had always known he wanted kids but with the high probability of transferring his mom’s disease genetically he had also been pretty sure he would adopt. With Derek being a werewolf and looking forward to teaching his kids all the wolfy things he knew it was a surprise to everyone but the two of them when it took them no time to decide to go for surrogacy using Derek’s sperm.

Finding a woman in the know who would keep the kid safe was a different game altogether but after months of searching they’d found a werewolf from Satomi’s pack who was willing to be their surrogate. The months that followed that decision had been exhilarating and terrifying and the only reason Stiles hadn’t had a nervous breakdown was because Talia had been with them every step of the way.

As Stiles sat next to the Christmas Tree with six month old Jasper Hale in his arms he knew all of it had been worth it. Jasper had been born with a strong set of lungs and a dense sets of eyebrows that left no doubt as to who his father was.

He felt more than saw Derek sit next to him and leaned into his husband of 5 years. “John came to the store today.”

“Did he need something?”

“No, he left a package. Said he saw in the store last weekend and thought of us.”

Stiles wiggled excitedly, “Open it then!”

Derek laughed and started opening the package carefully. Stiles knew from past experiences that no amount of needling would get him to just tear the wrapper off so he settled for showing his impatience through his body language.

“Matching pajamas?” He said when he saw the opened box.

“There’s one for Jasper too” Derek said and then started laughing, “Here look at this”. There were two pajama sets and a onesie. All three of them had bear motifs over them with a patch saying ‘Bear Bottom’ on the butt.

“This looks nice. I wonder if we can find any wolf themed ones.”

“We’ll look for some next year.” Derek said and hugged him and Jasper tightly.

Five: Missing loved ones

For as long as he could remember Stiles had been reading the Polar Express every Christmas Eve. It happened when his dad was working nights and only his mom was there to read to him, when his mom died and his dad made sure he took some time out every 24th to read it with him, when he started dating Derek and they spent an hour cuddled together before bed as Stiles read to him and it kept happening even when Jasper was born.

Stiles was pretty sure he cried every time he read it ever since his mom had died but neither his Dad or Derek called him out on it and until now Jasper had been too young to notice how bittersweet it was to continue something even when the one who started it was not there.

This was their first Christmas with Sophie, a ten year old werewolf that had come into the Hale territory when on the run from hunters. Her pack was dead and her mother had asked her to hide and run as fought the hunters alone to buy her some time. It had taken months for her to feel safe but Stiles was glad to see her coming out of her shell recently. It was good for Jasper too who had recently turned six.

They’d had dinner and were sitting in the lounge when Jasper came in running with the book and thrust it in Stiles hand. “Read it, Papa.” He demanded with the trademark Hale pout on his face.

Stiles knew his heart had done something weird when his three wolves looked at him with concerned expressions. He opened the book and was about to start reading when Sophie said. “You have to read the message at the beginning too.”

Stiles felt Derek squeeze his hand and gave him a small smile. “Dear Mischief, You’re the most magical thing that happened to me. Remember to keep believing if you want to hear the bells. Love, Mama.”

By the time he finished the book Stiles could feel the tears running down his face. “It’s nice that your mommy left you a story to read every year”, he heard Sophie say and felt like crying all over again. He cleared his throat and put his arms around Sophie, “Why don’t you tell me a story about your mommy?”

“And then you’ll tell me about yours? And Daddy too.”

“You’ve met my mom honey. But I’ll tell you about my Dad.” Derek said as he ran his fingers through Jasper’s hair.

“I don’t have a mommy. But I have two daddies so it’s okay.” Jasper said suddenly. They had talked to him about different types of families before he’d started school, Stiles was glad the lesson was sticking.

“I’ll start. So you know grandma’s name was Claudia. She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen…”

“Better than Lydia Martin?” Derek smiled teasingly and raised his eyebrow.

Stiles gasped and then laughed. “Of course. But don’t tell her that! Now shh, I’m talking.”

And every year since just after Polar Express they talk about the people they wish they were sharing Christmas with.

+ (plus) One time he didn’t have to

Stiles woke up feeling overheated. He was pretty sure the sun hadn’t risen and his face was smushed into Derek’s chest. Opening his eyes he saw Sean lying next to Derek and Jasper and Sophie cuddled next to Stiles. All of them were fast asleep.

He had no idea when it had started but for the past few years he had been waking up with his whole family next to him on the bed. Derek believed it was because they were werewolves but Stiles was pretty sure it started because Sophie was quite attached to them and where she went, her brothers followed.

It felt nice, Stiles decided as he walked to the bathroom. With two of the pups being teenagers now, tempers were high more often than not in the house but it was a comfort knowing the kids would be there on Christmas mornings even if they had been arguing the night before. At least they would be until Sophie went to college in two years, something Stiles didn’t want to think about right now.

He freshened up and stared at his family. They had been pretty content with 2 kids but one day Isaac who worked for child services had found a werepup who had been left outside the fire station and a few weeks and favours later, Sean Stilinski-Hale was the newest member of their family.

Derek who now a bit of grey in his beard and hair still made Stiles just as giddy as he had when he was a young werewolf running around playing basketball. Some days Stiles couldn’t believe what a wonderful life this man had given him. He placed a soft kiss on the pups and Derek and climbed back into bed. Derek pulled him closer and kissed his forehead.

“If I didn’t know you I’d think the way you were staring at us was creepy.” Derek said in a deep sleepy voice that sent tingles down Stiles’ spine.

“I’m feeling very content right now so I won’t react to that comment” Stiles said and heard his voice catch a little.

Derek immediately looked concerned. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m great” Stiles said. “I couldn’t be better. Merry Christmas baby.”

Derek smiled and kissed him deeply. “Merry Christmas. Love you.

[empathyuck]

50 questions tag

I was tagged by @wouldujae thank you so much for the tag!

What takes up too much of your time? As of right now stanning groups and just my phone in general. In college it was studying and doing assignments.

What makes your day better? Laughing with my friends or feeling like I’ve been productive

What’s the best thing to happen to you today? Hmmm. Idk waking up and being alive nothing happened today lol

What fictional place would you like to go to? Emerald city???

Are you good at giving advice? I think so, I always try to give my opinion from different perspectives

Do you have a mental illness? Nope

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No thank the lord

What musician inspired you the most? I have too many!!

Have you ever fallen in love? Nope, haven’t even liked anyone in over 2 years

What’s your dream date? Movie night, going out and just hanging out maybe go grab a snack, going to a park and reading or drawing 🥺 just wanna talk w my special boy doesn’t matter what we do

What do others notice about you? I get that I’m quiet, smart, artistic and creative. For my appearance I get complimented on my body a lot because I have wide hips haha

What’s an annoying habit you have? Eugh I either speak too softly or too loudly to the point where my voice sounds annoying I hate it.

Do you still talk to your first love? Interestingly enough I do! He was the first real crush I had, I liked him in elementary and was the boy that I’ve liked for the longest. I liked him off and on until the beginning of high school hah, we go to the same college and we speak sometimes lmao

How many exes do you have? Only 1

How many songs are in your playlist? There are currently 24 songs in my summer playlist but I need to add more

What instruments can you play? I used to play the clarinet from 6th-9th grade so only 1

What do you have the most pictures of? Pictures of nct, my friends, Minho, and aesthetic pictures. Weird pictures too lol

Where would you like to go before you die? I’m honestly not sure but probably like a forest or a place that’s VERY green and secluded... probably has a waterfall and all

What’s your Zodiac? Cancer

Do you relate to it? Mostly, yeah. Cancers are seen as very emotional, and I can be i guess but never in front of others. I don’t like feeling vulnerable lsbdlsndsl. But am I moody af? Yes. Do I keep to myself? Yep.

What is happiness to you? Laughing, feeling like I’m accomplishing something, being okay with where I’m at. Not wishing for more.

Are you going through anything right now? Just worrying on how I’ll pay my way through college 🤧

What’s the worst decision you ever made? i don’t think I have one in specific, but being too worried or scared about consequences. I’m tired of overthinking things and not doing things I want to do

What’s your favourite store? Dollar tree because I’m a poor shawty

What’s your opinion on abortion? A woman can do whatever she chooses, it’s her body!!!

Do you keep a bucket list? Noooo

Do you have a favourite album? Hm some of my faves are Kevin Abstract - American Boyfriend; childish Gambino-because the Internet; NCT 127-regular-irregular; modern baseball-you’re gonna miss it all. I have too many D:

What do you want for your birthday? Maybe a stray kids album? But idk which one I love them all hhhh

What are most people’s first impressions of you? People see me differently. Some think I’m really smart, nice, calm and innocent. I think others see me as chill, intimidating, artistic. I think it depends on where people encounter me. I get told a lot that people think I didn’t like them but in reality it just takes me a while to come out of my shell around new people. I’ve also been told “i used to think u thought u were better than everyone else” like i don’t?? 😭 i just have a resting b*tch face/I’m shy but I’m nice I swear!!!

What age do you seem according to most people? Get told I look like two years younger than what I am

Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? On my nightstand

What word do you say the most? “Or something,” “dude/bro,” “pinche vato culo” and “like”

What’s the oldest age you would date?Right now I would prefer 1-2 years older. I could do 3, but that’s kind of pushing it lol. Right now i would prefer someone closer to my age because I’m sad over the fact that it’s almost my last year as a teen. Because of that i think I would go better with someone closer to my age right now (I’ve liked people 3 years older than me before)

What’s the youngest age you would date? A few months younger, like 6 months younger at most

What job/career do most people say would suit you? Writer, artist, English/art teacher

What’s your favourite music genre? Hip hop! But i love different genres

If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? I don’t know, I’m not the type of person that looks too much into the future. Right now I like living in Texas and going to college here

What is your current favourite song? Igloo by millic and highway to heaven

How long have you had this blog for? Like 5 months, started it in January

What are you excited for? New skz album baby!!!

Are you a better talker or listener? listener, although sometimes I suck st that too because my mind wanders a lot

What is the last productive thing you did? I tried to sew one of my shirts and turn it into a crop top but I failed lol I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll prob read later

What do you want for Christmas? Ehhh nothing really I don’t like materialistic things all that much. I like receiving drawings and poems. Maybe new clothes

What class do you get the best grades in? This past semester I got 5 A’s minus a B in psychology so all of those 5 classes 🥴

On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? Like 4 because I’m bored right now for no reason hhh (I been saying I’m moody af 😵)

What can you see yourself doing in ten years? English teacher!! Or maybe even a writer if I improve my skills. I think I have the talent and creativity to do it, but I definitely need to further my skills

When did you get your first heartbreak? I guess the first time I was really sad was when I told a boy I liked him and he didn’t respond to my text lol. First “real” heartbreak was when my first bf broke up with me and told me he was only with me because of my body... like ok made me feel so unworthy lol :( I was 15 at the time

What age do you want to get married? I don't care too much about getting married but if I do maybe in my 30s

What career did you want to have as a child? Teacher, singer, actress, dancer lmao I used to be into a lot of things

What do you crave right now? Having something to do that will make me less bored 😪

I won’t be tagging anyone in this post because it’s really long and I don’t want to bother anyone haha. Also I’ve noticed a lot of blogs have already done this so ya :0 I’ll tag whoever wants to do it!! You can say that I tagged you and I’ll read your post 💚

[nicoleatrandom-blog]

7 Quick Self-Care Tips You Can Fit Into Even the Busiest Schedule

i’ve really got to work on shortening these titles. 

Welcome to Thursday, friends! We’ve almost made it through the week, so you may find yourself in need of some quick relief to the stress of your everyday routine -- or perhaps even those things which have not gone your way recently. 

Self-care is an important thing that many of us forgo in the interest of working, homework, taking care of children and family, or any of the other many obligations we face on a day-to-day basis. Self-care becomes even more important when we are stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or angry — and I’m sure there are a million other instances in which we need to prioritize self-care. 

Maybe a lot of the reason we let self-care opportunities pass us by is because we think it will be too time consuming; the thing is, self-care doesn’t have to be taking time out to get a mani-pedi or a massage or a facial. It doesn’t have to be finding a sitter to get some alone time. It doesn’t have to be taking a mental health day from work and using those precious paid-time-off hours. 

I’ve compiled a list of seven things you can do to take care of yourself without taking too much extra time in the day or forcing your schedule to come to a complete halt. Do yourself a favor — read the list, then pick one or two to focus on for the next week or month. Obviously this list isn’t going anywhere, so feel free to come back to it anytime, and don’t forget to share your favorite on-the-go self-care tips in the comments! 

Have a hot beverage. This seems so simple it’s silly, but I’m serious. Make yourself a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. My go-to lately has been hot chocolate. Don’t forget that hot lemon water in the mornings! Put it in a to-go cup and continue on about your day while you drink it, or do what my friend Ashley does and pour into your favorite mug, have a seat, and put that to-do list on the backburner for a few minutes. I’ll tell you a secret: the list will still be there when you’re done. Crazy, right! The warm, coziness of having your favorite warm beverage will help to calm your nerves and soothe the tension of the day — and you know, no one said you can’t add a little grown-up juice, right? A little Bailey’s in your coffee, a hot toddy. Although, if you’re driving, at work, or taking care of kids, you might want to save the grown-up juice for later. 

Give your face a little extra care. I know, we’re talking about things that don’t take that much time, but hear me out. You’ve got to wash your face at night or in the morning anyway, right? Instead of your usual routine, throw a mask in there. The beauty industry has a whole range of face masks for purchase, and there are some that are not all that expensive. I’ve done masks that have to stay on anywhere from five to twenty minutes, so it depends on how much extra time you want to use. A five minute mask could be a good slow down for a hectic morning, but a twenty-minute mask can set while you get the kids ready, choose your outfit, or get your lunch together. Or, if you work the mask into your nighttime routine, it’s a great day to just close your eyes, put on your favorite music, and unwind from the day. Personally, I really enjoy Feeling Beautiful masks, which come in a one/two time use packages, or in a tube just under five dollars which lasts forever. Or, if an overnight mask is your thing, try Bliss’s What A Melon Overnight Mask. No affiliations here, just making some suggestions for masks that make me feel calm and pretty. 

Get up, make up, show up. Personally, nothing makes me feel more at ease than knowing I’ve beat my own mental blocks. Getting out of bed when I’d rather sleep a little longer, putting on a cute outfit when I would rather just throw on jeans and a t-shirt, putting on a full face of makeup (for me, this is less than others) and going to work when I just want to stay home bare-faced — if I can conquer that, I know I can conquer the rest of my day. 

It’s just one thing. When you’ve got a long list of things to do but you’re overwhelmed, the first thing you need to do is prioritize those things. What absolutely needs to be done today, and what can be moved to tomorrow or later in the week, or even next week? Once you’ve moved out things that are not required to be completed today, look at what you have left, how they’re prioritized, and just do one thing at a time. Don’t think about the x-number of things that are on the list, think about the thing that’s highest priority. Do that, cross it off the list, then do the next thing. Rinse, repeat. We get so caught up in getting things done that we tend to overwhelm ourselves at time. The thing is, life is hard enough, and, some days, we just don’t need to make it any harder. Simplify your to-do list, and take it from there. 

Eat what makes you happy. This one, you have to be careful. If you’re overwhelmed every day for a month, having tacos every day for a month might not be the best idea. But every now and then, forget the diet/healthy eating lifestyle, and get you some tacos — or whatever it is that makes you happy. Take that little bit of pressure off yourself and eat what you want. You’ll be surprised at how much just that one less thing makes a difference! Bonus #5 Info: There are foods that might actually improve your mood and mindset, and keep you healthy! Bananas, berries, quinoa, dark chocolate, green tea, apples … there’s more on the list, but these are just a few that will help to improve your mood and are relatively healthy. Google “food that makes you happy” and you’ll find even more options! 

Ask for help. Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do! We’ve been trained to have it together, to get things done, and to not burden others with our problems. I’m here to tell you, asking for help does wonders for my anxiety/stress. It’s okay to share your load with others, as long as you’re not taking advantage of them. That’s why we have family, why we have friends — and it lets them know that when they’re the ones who are stressed/overwhelmed/whatever the case may be, they can come to us for a return on the favor. 

Rock out like there’s no tomorrow. There’s no denying the calming effect of music. Play it while you complete your cleaning for the day or on the way home from dropping your kids at school or while you finish your errands for the day. Sing-along, shamelessly, and without caring what anyone else thinks. You’re taking care of you, and that’s all that’s important in that moment. 

Like I said, just a few things I’ve found that help me through days when the hours or even minutes seem insurmountable. What are your go-to quick self-care tips? Drop them in the comments below! 

I’ll see you (hopefully) Tuesday with a new post, and until then, keep moving forward. 

[deathbyvalentine]

LARP Prompts

Hors d’ouvere

He popped the grape in his mouth, turning away from the dance floor and making his way through the clusters of people chatting and laughing and twirling. He was alarmingly sober, none of the punches or mixers nearly alcoholic to hit him even a little. Noble parties weren’t fun if you were sober. Everyone was shallow or spiteful or boring. Nobody just relaxed, it was a hotbed of politics and scandal and backstabbing.

The observatory deck was blessedly quiet and cool. When the doors shut behind him the peace was almost oppressive. There were plush benches and he lay on one, gazing up at the sector through the clear ceiling. It was possibly the only time he felt anything close to being jealous of psykers - the stars and planets were gorgeous enough, to add the light of the astronomicon into that mix would render the view rapturous. As it was, it already moved him. 

The view both calmed and excited him. It was like a reassurance that there was a future waiting for him, away from all this bullshit. One day he would travel and explore and it wouldn’t matter who he was. It would matter what he could do.

He wondered if his mother had did the same thing. Felt restless and trapped by the family she had married into, and followed her career into the stars. He flipped open the compass in his pocket as he often did in his more melancholy moments, looking at the scrawled note inside he had memorised. Maybe she had decided that exploring was more important than her son. He didn’t blame her. He just wished he could have joined her.

Washing  (Ancient Greek AU)

Callum slipped their feet into the cool water, sighing as they did so. It was going to be a hot day - you could feel it in the air. Dust was coming up from the roads and hanging in clouds, refusing to disperse. The sky was blameless and blue. Golden morning light touched every leaf and stone. The valleys were starting to wake up and soon the pilgrims would be snaking up the mountain, people seeking prophecies and solutions. But for now, there was peace. 

The vapours have rendered them weak, dark circles painted under their eyes, a thinness about them that verged on spirit like. The oracles always seemed more of the next world than this one. But the water did their part in healing and refreshing them, as it always did. It sparkled like crystal, throwing light with every ripple. They leaned down to scoop up a handful, pouring it over their head. Their chiton stuck to them wherever the water fell, becoming almost translucent. 

They were expecting someone today. But then, they had thought that every day this month. Someone that kept flickering in and out at the edges of their visions. A man with two voices but one face, eyes that flickered with fire. Whenever they tried to seize on him, the smoke disappeared between their fingers. They had no idea who it was. But they couldn’t stop thinking about him, intrigued. 

They stood, pulling back from the pool and taking a deep breath. Time to go prepare, give the people the truth they sought, whether they were prepared for it or not. They closed their eyes and turned their face upwards towards the sun, letting the blessing of Apollo touch their skin and warm them from the inside out.

Dreams

Everything was drenched in gold light all over again, the sector and it’s problems very very far away. This was home, Cal’s heart told them. Nothing could hurt them here. And they slept.

Distantly, they felt something. Someone saying their name, murmuring it in prayer. It troubled them and they wanted to reach out and heal whatever ailed - what were they called again? The name seemed unimportant. It slipped from their fingers and disappeared into the golden air. And so they slept.

In their sleep, deep dark dreams troubled them. Images of violence ravaging planets, Mitra hopping from body to body, Bridge struggling, Nic gasping for breath. But they were only dreams.

And so they slept.

Stealing Practice

The first thing he learnt is that this bloody standard uniform needed more pockets. He was getting rather tired of tucking things into the back of his trousers only to slip down. His pilot coat was similarly useless in holding anything of worth. However, the ultimate combination looked absolutely incongruous but was a treasure trove of hiding places; his flight suit with his noble coat over the top. He had managed three ash trays, a pair of boots, Nic’s bolt pistol and Med’s scanner in this outfit. He had to walk extremely carefully for fear of injuring himself and/or rattling. 

After he had nailed the simple ‘lift and conceal while the person is turned around’ method of stealing he decided to expand his repertoire. It had been a while since his skills had been honed after all. His teenage years were a little while behind him. He set himself challenges, partly to amuse himself in lieu of actual duties, partly just to see what he could get away with. 

It was a shame Jones was Off-Limits as Lance frequently eyed up his cases of Voidman’s Friends, wondering how quickly he could palm them before he noticed. He gave it a good whole two minutes. Hawke however, he was fair game. Lance got a rather cigar case from him with nothing but a lean against his shoulder, feigning interest in the weapon he was fitting. It sort of seemed too easy. Anya’s goodwill rendered her similarly simple quarry. He got two icons from her, a calligraphy pen and a set of gloves before he realised it wasn’t due to skill and more her lack of realisation she should give him zero benefit of the doubt. 

It was time to level up. 

Esme was first. She had joked about stealing the necklace from her throat and that sounded like a challenge to him. He had been expecting it to be more difficult, but leaning in close to her and resting a hand on the back of her neck had clearly flustered her beyond all reason. It had been easy to unclip the icon and let it slip down his sleeve before grinning at her and leaning back, disappearing a few minutes later. 

One of Nic’s cats proved rather resistant to being stolen and he decided that if it was a living, autonomous being it counted for double points. Triple, he amended, once he saw the bloody scratches on his forearms.

Then, there was the ultimate challenge. Gwyn’s prayerbeads, always hanging from their waist. There was a none zero chance he would get stabbed attempting this. But he would do it. For the art.

The first three times they grabbed his wrist so hard he got a bruise around his wrist, which of course he demanded be kissed better. His moments had been chosen mostly when they were looking the other way but they seemed to have eyes on the back of their head. 

So maybe it was low, but he ended up succeeding when he had his arm around them, covers pooled around their waist, lying in bed. This was always when they were at their most relaxed and occasionally closed their eyes. With his free arm he fished the prayer beads from the pile of clothes and shoved them casually under his pillow.

It didn’t take them too long to notice and when they did there was a long moment when Lance was faced with the very real possibility of having his nose broken again before they burst into laughter and told him to keep them. 

Then it was time for step two of his grand plan, the one he refused to analyse or consider in depth. He didn’t want to think about why he wanted to impress the man or if this was an elaborate flirting ritual or just the product of boredom. Each item he carefully placed outside Bridge’s quarters, balanced in a somewhat precarious pile. The cat was a particular obstacle but with the liberal application of treats decided to stay put. The armscrew just tutted and rolled their eyes but decided not to interfere. Lance was clearly too stupid to be dangerous. He left a note balanced on top: “Training, Round one.”

Tomorrow 

He practically vibrated with excitement as he sat on the bed, legs hanging over the edge and jiggling with barely contained energy. There was a small twinge of guilt in amongst the excitement, guilt that he was so excited about flying something other than the Devout. He’d make it up to her later. 

His medical was going well so far, as he knew it would. The augmetics had more than corrected any problems he had had, and he hadn’t been ill from anything worse than a hangover in recent memory. His heart was still pretty damn strong, his lungs only a bit battered from iho. No addictions, no real vices. There was no reason that he’d be unable to fly her. 

Meeting a craft for the first time was always a magical experience. By turns it was like meeting a partner, a companion, a lover or a pet. He had no idea what the Spiderwidow would be, but he was willing to bet his life she was nothing like a pet. She was too vicious for that, too deadly. He was going to have to be careful. Which was exciting enough to make his heart speed up. 

He was impatient for the paperwork to be signed off and introductions to be made. One more sleep until a very belated Candlemas present. He would be touching something made for the Astartes. He would be interacting with the ghosts of angels, buried deep inside the manifold.

Pacific Rim DuD AU

The water rushed in where the metal had severed and cracked, making electronics fizzle and spit. It was pouring like blood from a wound. Cal gasped at the shock of the impact, feeling it as though it had hit their flesh. They looked over at Baris who had his teeth gritted tight, trying to resist the urge to panic. At least if they were going down, they were going down together. Or so they thought.

A moment later there was a roaring screech, the kaiju lurching forward with its claws, sending a wave of water that knocked them a little off balance. They struggled to right themselves and that few seconds made all the distance. The creature lunged forward again and ripped through the entire jaegar, ripping Baris from Cal’s mind and body.

Excruciating pain crackled across their body like lightening, a broken circuit pressing into their shoulder and shooting down every muscle, making their hand clench tight. Their balance was now completely broken in more than one. The jaegar stumbled and crashed into the sea, unable to support itself on one pilot. Water soon covered Cal’s head, one by one the lights of the circuits and machines disappearing out.

It didn’t matter. Baris was gone.

Sober - T67

Astrid woke up, mouth feeling like a desert. She rolled over in Syn’s bed, finding it empty. Syn must have already went off to work. She had got very diligent since the syndicate had decided they wanted the Saints. She had to. The stakes were higher than ever.

On autopilot, she reached for the bedside table before realising that she would not find any pills there. She let her hand fall on her face and groaned out loud. This was day three of this utter bullshit. She sat up, letting her curls fall behind her like a pink waterfall, a highly tangled one. She had not been sleeping well. She had not been doing anything well. The past few days had been a testament to that.

She was forgetful, tearful and ill. She tossed and turned all night, wanted to fuck constantly and had no appetite. She had turned from bubbly and warm into withdrawn and anxious. Her nails were bitten down to the quick. She didn’t like who she was when she was just Astrid. She didn’t like being clear headed, seeing everything as it was, without the soft bubblewrap drugs gave her. It made everything softer and kinder. And this world was anything but kind.

Already, she missed Syn. Since Rei had died she had become lonelier, clinging to whatever family she had left. But with this new insight, she was rather aware that to many of them she was something of a liability. She didn’t like knowing that. She didn’t like it at all.

She would dress up so tonight Syn would have something to really look forward to coming home to. She may not be good at a lot of things but she was good at looking good. That was like a skill. If you squinted. She had to believe that because if that wasn’t true, what else did she have?

Fresh Hell - T67

Her fingers were dyed indigo, the flimsy gloves nowhere near enough to protect her skin. She stretched her fingers out in front of her, wondering if she could pull it off as an intentional look. Oh well. It was too late. The deed was done. She wasn’t quite sure if it suited her yet.

She definitely looked paler, a few of her softer curves seeming sharper. Her eyes looked more green, her freckles more like stars. The blue framing her face was new and frightening but she thought she might like it. She knew Rei definitely would have, had they been around to see it. This way they actually would have looked like siblings. For the first time she could see the ghost of their sibling in her face, the same cheekbones, the same shape eyes. It was terrifying to know that the only physical evidence of Rei left on this world was herself.

Rei should have lived. Rei was smarter, tougher, more loved. Maybe they didn’t have to be gone entirely - maybe Astrid could be more like their sibling. They could learn. They could grow. They could be tough. They shrugged on one of Rei’s jackets, admiring the effect in the mirror.

The companies and press and syndicate might be able to forget Rei. Astrid would make sure the Saints never would.

Huntsman/A Brand New Adventure - HEA

He stood on the branch, barely breathing. He notched the arrow, bringing the bow up, drawing the string back. He was every inch the hunter, dirt streaked down his face, leaves tangled in his hair. The cart was about to trundle underneath the tree where he was lying in wait. His gang were hidden in the other trees lining the dirt road, in hoods and dresses, with swords and daggers.

He held up one hand, the universal signal for ‘wait for it’. He gave a low, keening whistle, it carrying easily on the wind. One of the horses below looked up, ears flicking curiously. One of its riders followed its gaze up to the tree, and his eyes widen in surprise. That moment is all Peter needs.

He lets the arrow loose and it hits it mark, right in between the rider’s eyes. With a whoop he somersaulted out of the tree and fell upon the cart like a carnivorous beast. It was over in a matter of minutes, blood mixing with the golden coins as the Merry Men shovelled them into sacks.

Morose, Peter sat on the broken wheel and picked at a scab on his knee. Robert clicked his tongue as he pulled the short straw to go and check on their mercurial leader.

“What’s up boss? I thought that went well. No casualities, tons of cash, sticking it to the Sheriff.” Peter mumbled something.  “What was that?” “I said it was too easy.”  Robert blinked. “What?” “It only lasted like, two minutes, nobody did a dramatic scream, I didn’t see any bones or anything!” “Most people count that as a win.” Peter returned him a withering stare. “I’m not most people.” He stood, letting his legs stretch. He had gotten a little taller from when he had first alive, his cheekbones a little sharper. He looked more teenage like than child like.“No point in a fight if it’s not even fun.” “Tell you what. When you get back to camp, we’ll find you a proper bear to wrestle with, okay?” The younger man immediately lit up, flashing a grin, bad mood forgotten. “Yes! What a good idea I’ve just had! We’ll find a bear!” Robert rolled his eyes but smiled, amused. “Right you are boss.”

Rescue - HEA

The rock on which he had almost drowned had become something of a refuge for Peter. When the world got too noisy or his head too confusing, the world was quieter there. It made him melancholy, the light sadness settling on his chest like fresh snow. It was sadness without a name or cause, the type that felt as essential to the human condition as breathing. It was too big to name, and even a philistine like Peter could feel it.

He let his feet sit in the lapping water of the lagoon, for now ignoring the flashly glints of a mermaid’s tail or the light tickle of their fingers. Sometimes he would snap from his reverie and play. Today though, he would not be stirred from his dark thoughts, and he did not even look up from the spot at which he stared.

Something was troubling him.

The worst part he wasn’t quite sure what it was. The boys were dancing around their campfire, celebrating the latest batch of dead pirates. The fairies were organising their latest orgy, the mermaids were feasting on the bones of the lost and the various tribes were either at war with him or celebrating his victory with him. So why was his mind circling in on itself, like something had scented blood in the water?

He leaned back, looking up at the stars. Unless he was in a bad mood, the stars were always visible in Neverland. He finally siezed upon what exactly the problem was, though it did not add any sort of clarity to the situation. He had forgotten something. 

This was of course, not in and of itself a particularly spectacular affair. He forgot things frequently and with relative impunity. What was unusual was the fact he remembered forgetting something. It hadn’t just danced out of his brain with no announcement - it had left a mark. And like a missing tooth, he couldn’t quite stop tonging at it. 

He would be distracted for a short while, but he would keep remembering that absence and on and on it would go. He finally stood, scowling at the sky as though it was personally responsible for his plight. He’d get to the bottom of it, he always did.

Glass/Flame - Parador Hanging Out

Mattias leaned back, placing his feet in Sol’s lap and stretching. The land hadn’t quite fully recovered from the presence of the invading forces, but it was getting there. The family’s forest had remained standing throughout it all and being The Coast, there wasn’t exactly any irreplaceable structures to loose. The parador had been restored to very almost its former glory. 

Mattias was happy to return after his sailing adventure to the Broken Shore. He sat in Sol’s lap and showed him the few cuts and scrapes he had gained, the story between every one. The excitement from him was clear. His first real scrape with violence and it had been an abundant success the likes of which the Empire had rarely seen. It didn’t seem to occur to the younger man that not all wars would be like this and perhaps he had been lucky. Of course he had put it down to his own skills and prowess despite knowing next to nothing about fighting or strategy. 

He clung to Sol as the evening drew in. He had missed him, and he made that clear, kissing his neck and occasionally incautiously catching him with his gilded antlers. It had been to him ages since he had seen his lover, several seasons. Mattias (who’s attention span was somewhat short) had stretched this into eternity. As the sun set over the mountains, he fell asleep against his chest, exhausted merely from recounting his adventures. Glass wondered how Flame managed to expend so much energy on merely existing, though he wondered fondly.

The Fragile, Initial Concept

He cuddled into his side further, stealing even more warmth from him, seemingly oblivious to the fire crackling in front of them. The night was not cold - he would not freeze but this was his pretence for closeness. The Hunter knew this, this small attempt at guile and did not bother hiding his affectionate smile. 

The Innocent seemed to thrive much more on warmth of the heart than warmth of the flesh. Wherever he was, with whoever he was with, he sought touch and affection. Hugs, nuzzles, hair pets, with seemingly little awareness of the concept of personal space. He certainly didn’t have any himself and it didn’t occur to him anybody else would either. It was one of the ways he needed to be protected, The Hunter yanking him back from creatures or creations that would rather not be lavished with attention.

The Hunter’s eyes were focused on the forest around them, ears pricked up for threats, looking for the darkness moving in a way it was not supposed to. The Innocent’s eyes were trained up at the sky, marvelling at the endless wonder that was the network of stars and planets, drawing patterns between them. Everything was art, if you looked at it in a special way. He pointed out some of the patterns he had found, explaining the stories he had made up to go with them. Stories free of bloodshed or lies. Mostly they seemed focus on exploration and friendship. The horse was friends with the bear who was friends with the lily flower who grew brightly in the sky. It was laughably childish, no real structure or plot, but he seemed to enjoy telling them all the same. And the Hunter enjoyed listening. 

They seemed an odd pair, curled up close, one broad and one slight, one dream like and one grounded in reality. Like a deer and a lion spending time with each other.