#maybe ill ctrl-f the word beholden and toss them into a compilation post so i can look at it and weep

[ezramire]

I think some often-overlooked context for gideon's sacrifice at the end of GTN is that, if gideon survives, harrow asked her to return to drearburh.

of course, harrow's plan of I'll-hold-the-lyctor-off-you-and-cam-jump-into-the-sea is dogshit, not going to work etc. of course gideon is a perpetual Good Girl, a butch in shining armor--she's a saint. she's jesus christ. I don’t mean at all to undermine her selflessness, but in her panic i can't help but think the threat of the ninth house made the choice much simpler.

let's go back to the beginning of GTN to the amalgam of everybody's worst hometown:

gideon the ninth, chapter 1

gideon's entire life has been a series of escape attempts. in canaan house her relationship to harrow undergoes a metamorphosis, but behind her is eighteen years of trying--relentlessly--to run from a cold dark place that she is beholden to. (whenever beholden comes up in this series at least 8 alarms go off in my head and i drop whatever i'm holding).

gideon the ninth, chapter 4

I think aiglamene understands drearburh is inherently soul-killing in a way that harrow does not. harrow genuinely loves her house (which, to her, is the Tomb). gideon was never allowed to love the ninth house--it rejected her at every opportunity. harrow, however, threw herself into it wholesale. she had nothing else.

skip to the pool scene. harrow receives absolution and a emotionally charged tender forehead kiss (top 10 lesbian baptisms of all time). they are finally on the same side, out from under drearburh's shadow. they can trust each other. then harrow, with her seventeen years of pining, obsession, and isolation, asks gideon something truly fucking awful:

gideon the ninth, chapter 35

in harrow's mind, the locked tomb (specifically) has served as her reprieve. it is The Thing For Which She Suffers It All, and so it must be good. harrow sees herself as the thing that poisoned gideon, because she IS the ninth house, and she hates herself. I genuinely don't think harrow understands the depth of cruelty in this ask at all. in harrow's mind she is saving gideon and protecting The Body.

and as cytherea bears down on them, harrow reminds her:

gideon the ninth, chapter 37

if harrow sacrifices herself, gideon owes her AND gets abandoned. gideon has to go back and protect the tomb, back to a life she could not bear long before she had ever seen the sea and the sky, before kind-hearted house scions and princesses with swords. the chains would be slapped on. gideon would not get out twice. not even in a box.

gideon can die neatly and heroically, like a protagonist in a comic book—she can save harrow, save camilla, get vengeance for lost friends, carry out the last wish of jeanmarry and isaac, who she so badly let down—or she can live and return to drearburh.

gideon the ninth, chapter 37

gideon the ninth, chapter 37 (final line before the epilogue in harrow's POV).

of course she chooses the fence.