#maybe ill unblock them now\

[akuasucc]

atlanta bird basketballl team missing the playoffs was for the best

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for telling someone they're a horrible person and making them relapse?

trigger warning: self-harm, suicide(?)

so im, like many teenagers online, an avid participant of fandom spaces and my current favorite is genshin impact. if you've ever interacted with the genshin fandom you may guess where this is going but i happened to find myself liking a ship that is the big nono ship in this fandom (aka the incest ship, kaeluc) but since i mostly stick to my space and don't really interact with anyone that doesn't already have content of this ship on their account id never gotten into any hot water over it.. until recently.

this person, ill call them rick, suddenly liked a bunch of my (non-ship related) posts. normal interaction, i didn't think anything of if and moved on. (i didn't even notice at the time, but they unliked all of the posts before what happened next, i assume as they realized i was a proshipper and didn't want to associate with me.) next thing i know, the same user is in my askbox, sending me the most vile, hate filled messages i have ever seen.

ok... no biggie. i delete the asks, block them and move on with my life. but it doesn't stop. i had never in my whole life received hate online, but now for the first time ever, i had a dedicated hater, sending me anonymous asks at all times of the day. death threats, dox threats, telling me to kill myself, calling me a degenerate and all that, all with the same consistent writing style. now, one could say that maybe this wasn't rick, and maybe not even all the same person but i really feel like this is the only reasonable explanation considering i have like 6 followers and my most famous post has 3 notes. i don't think im important enough to have that many haters.

so, i did the only thing i could think to do: turned off anon asks. then the asks started coming from random throwaway accounts. ok...turned off asks. then it was dms. turned those off too. THE FUCKING COMMENT SECTIONS OF MY POSTS.

dedication isn't enough to describe this. at this point it's actually becoming distressing to me and im considering closing my whole account cause i just wanna get away from all this. im 16, i don't have the mental capacity to spend all day policing my social media because someone wants me to die for liking fictional incest.

so i very reluctantly unblock rick and send them a dm. i very gently ask if they are the person who has been sending me asks/dms/etc and if they are, if they could please stop because it's become genuinely distressing to me and i just want to be silly on a website. they block me.

alright, im now out of options. everything on my profile is blocked at this point and i don't even want to post anything else so i just kind of leave the account behind for a while. when i come back, i discover that someone HACKED into the account and defaced the whole thing (changed pfp, deleted posts etc etc) so now im genuinely bummed. i go to rick's profile and guess who has been unblocked? i ask them if they can please answer my question. they don't answer but instead tell me i deserve everything ive gotten and i should choke for all they care.

i tell them they're a terrible person and go absolutely off the rails like the dumb, upset teenager i am. i didn't say anything particularly horrible (mostly i just tell them about how awful they've made me feel over fictional shit that really doesn't matter and how i just wanted peace) but i definetely wouldn't like to receive a message like that. and rick didn't either, because they blocked me.

well, since im sure you're wondering where this comes in, here's where i kind of feel like an asshole:

i continued to stalk rick's account on a different blog (because i was bitter. ok?) and they've been posting about how they relapsed into self harm because of a message they received from a stranger and how they've been crying non-stop and this is the worst relapse they've had in years and etc etc and i just got this pit in my stomach. this person's bio says they're 15! i don't want to ever be the reason a fifteen year old is hurting themselves! i've been feeling like a piece of shit ever since (esp since i also deal with sh) and i just feel like the worse person ever. i honestly don't know if i was just acting like anyone else and this was an unfortunate consequence or if i need to go pray for god to forgive my sins or something.

aita?

What are these acronyms?

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Took exactly 1 month and 1 week (including the week I took off) to finish this bad boy. I don't have the energy/ability to block this man despite how desperately he needs it (and i'm putting off weaving in the ends) but I think he's beautiful regardless.

Pattern/Yarn info and other thoughts below

Shawl Smorgasbord by Stephen West, knit in Cloudborn Fibers Highland Fingering in Shaela Heather (107), Taupe Heather (02), and Stone Heather (03). Cloudborne Fibers Alpaca & Highland Natural in Graphite Heather (109) and Espresso Heather (110).

Very happy with how the border turned out despite my winging it. I'm still not a super big on the chevrons and how they distort the shape BUT if they start behaving once they're blocked out I'll probably love them too.

He's very large and warm, unblocked his wingspan is about 70 inches and his depth is about 30 inches. Which is smaller than I would expect based on the blocked measurements but the yarn I used is a very light fingering (494 yards to 100 grams compared to the recommended yarn's 400 yards per 100 grams).

I've never knit such a large project in fingering, this yarn was incredible for it (despite being loose 2 ply I barely had any issues with splitting and found this yarn incredibly easy to knit with even without looking at it which is unusual for fingering for me). Very annoyed that it's discontinued but now I know what to look for in animal fibers. Handwashing my wools might be annoying but I like this 2-ply significantly better than typical sock yarns.

For the pattern specifically I'll certainly knit it again. Six dollars felt extreme for a pattern after however long (100 hours maybe?) it seems perfectly fine. I've already picked out another Stephen West pattern to use more of this yarn with that I'll probably start soonish. His pattern writing style isn't my preference (lace patterns have ruined me and now I'm a chart truther), but the pattern itself was clear and well explained. Aesthetically the only main problem is still the border. I'm also not a large fan of the criss-cross stitch but I haven't thought of a good solution. Other than those two I really enjoy the texture of this pattern. I'd be interested in seeing it knit in all one solid colour but I'm not sure I'd be willing to do that lmao. The last couple sections + border also severely dragged to knit. However I'm not sure if I'm just having adhd "i can't physically finish anything" or if it's because I'm currently ill or if it's just so fucking hot in this room that knitting with wool was killing me. Or maybe the rows were just over 650 stitches. The next shawl with this yarn is allegedly slightly smaller. But still smaller.

Overall this shawl was a very enjoyable knit. I wish the yarn wasn't discontinued but I also got it extremely cheap because it is discontinued so now I know my preferences better. The pattern itself was worth the price. However this shawl absolutely needs blocking (and probably pretty aggressive blocking at that) so it probably wouldn't be nearly as successful in a non animal fiber. Acrylic Might work with steam blocking but I'd expect it to have a difficult time laying flat/not distorting.

[viscerast]

hey non oomf. please don’t shoot the messenger. your ex would like you to know that their dni is set up like that (and it includes kins of their comforts as well) because they are delusional and are uncomfortable with doubles. also no one is friends with your abusers anymore, because harpy is dead. she died last august. not much to say on that one but thank god tbh.

hey noomf thank you for reaching out and telling me this. id like to preface this post that no ill will goes towards you, anon, but towards PF. you're welcome to screenshot and send this post to damien if you want. very curious on how you know damien/PF but. wtv youre anon for a reason

for context, this is the post anon is talking about. also for simplicity, i'm going to be using the names i remember everyone using, but strictly they/them pronouns instead of the ones i remember them using just to avoid misgendering, i know a lot of people had gender discoveries over lockdown and coming out of lockdown and PF is not free from the transgender beam /silly

i will not comment on damiens DNI any further because, frankly, im staying as far as i can from any delusion related discourse as possible. as a potentially schizophrenic person, i know how sensitive the topic of delusions can be, especially D/A's, erotomania and platonic erotomanic delusions. i still think its a bit off that damien, a singlet, as a core part of being a system in their dni but. thog doesnt caare /ref i don't know their story at all

quite frankly, i'm glad to hear that no ones associating with my abusers anymore. part of me was always a little worried for the remaining members of the group (especially the younger ones), i didn't want anyone to have to deal with the blatant toxic bullshit that i had. even if you lot had a falling out with harpy in some respect, i want to say that i'm sorry for your loss. i remember how close PF was in general, especially with harpy.

i'll tentatively accept the offer to talk with damien, but maybe later. maybe when we're more stable. i'll unblock them for now, because honestly i had no quarrel with damien, just that they were still associating with PF.

this, however, is not an open invite to anyone who associated with/was apart of PF to contact me. in fact, fuck the rest of you completely. stay off my page.

i hate how you guys keep finding our accounts. you almost put us into the hospital with the stunt ezra and karen pulled a few years back joining our personal server. to this day we don't feel safe anywhere we go, irl and online, because of how you guys acted. i know we weren't the best person, i know we were rude and lashed out and were generally hard to deal with, but we were fucking 15 or 16. we had known you guys since we were 13, we trusted your voices and opinions more than anything. if PF said the sky was red, then the sky was fucking red. we trusted you guys enough to give you our address. we were dealing with the horrors of being the only openly trans and queer kid in a small town catholic middle/high school ON TOP of having a slough of undiagnosed disabilities and disorders. and then going home to cope with how stressed we were and talking to our "friends". we should have turned tail and ran the second chai was kicked out. we should have realized earlier how chai had hurt us and cut ties with the rest of you, because no one seemed to care how weirdly romantic chai and i were getting. no one seemed to care about how weird ezra treated us, that the almost adult was jokingly calling the 14 year old their husband. PF actively encouraged our identity delusions and spirals. i was expected to have the emotional and mental capacity of a fully grown adult when i barely even knew who i was. i remember semi-frequently having our possibility of undiagnosed BPD (and potentially NPD? i cant remember if thats something they ever mentioned) recognized by ezra and harpy(?), but the fact that we were untreated, experiencing symptoms of the disorder they were sure we had, struggling to understand our emotions let alone regulate them was all thrown out the window the second we made even the smallest of mistakes. our bpd and delusions were used against us as a way to keep us in line, or when we were noticeably in a spiral we would have our identity delusions towards danganronpa villains invoked to encourage us to be cruel to other people- either members of PF or strangers on twitter.

tldr fuck peach fuzz. yall messed us up. sorry for the long vent/rant we just. really really needed to get that off our chest. we have for years and it feels like we were only able to heal enough this year to actually confront it and say something about what happened. there was a lot more than just this but this is what was fucking us up the most. sorry . i gotta go take a walk goodbye

[samyelbanette]

I’m still not willing to speak to my friend. But…I feel a little worried about him? Like. He has a history of punishing himself with physical harm when he feels he’s done something wrong.

Perhaps the most horrific example of this, is when he first moved to my city. What happened is partially his mother’s fault. I won’t say he “ran away” from home, because he was an adult, and had the right to leave whenever he wanted. But, his circumstances did force him to leave many of his belongings behind. She had the meds he needs for his mental illness, and refused to mail them to him. So. Before I tell this story. I want to clarify that he would probably never have acted this erratic if he’d had access to medicine. He’s not crazy or a bad person.

But what happened was….we went to a bookstore. We got into an argument in the store (I don’t remember the reason).

I said “I don’t want to be around you right now, if you’re going to shout at me. So I’m going up front to pay for my book!”

I walked away and he stayed in the back of the store, where we’d been browsing.

As I was checking out, I heard the cashier whispering to her manager.

“That guy in the red hat….yeah, he’s outside…do you think we should call the police on him?”

I froze when I remembered my friend was wearing a red beanie. I ran outside, and that’s when I found him…

He was just full on slamming his head into the shop’s glass window. Over and over. Yelling at himself. “You shouted at your friend, you deserve this, die, die!”

I ran over and told him to stop. I saw that he’d shattered his eyeglasses. The glass was all broken and had cut his face.

….and then the cops showed up.

I told them that they didn’t need to arrest my friend. “The shopkeeper just wants us to leave, right? Okay. We’re already leaving.”

It was fucking terrifying. There was another instance, maybe a year later…

It happened during a 6 month period where he was struggling to afford his medication (and hid it from me. ofc.)

On my 28th birthday, he was walking over to my house with my other friend.

She asked him, “where’s Kelley’s cake?”

I wasn’t there, but from what she described, he started screaming “I forgot to buy the cake, I’m a bad friend, I deserve to die!”

And then he ran into the fucking road, hoping a car would hit him.

(….He didn’t actually get hit. Thank the gods. She got him back onto the sidewalk, calmed him down, and then called me and explained what happened.)

Rn, I want to ask her to check up on him for me, and make sure he’s alright.

But she’s been on his side from the beginning. So, I feel like she’s just going to say “just forgive him already, just unblock him and ask him yourself.”

[kleinstar]

⭐️☎📱 !

RELATIONSHIPBUILDING (NOT ACCEPTING)

⭐️ for a headcanon about our muses.

first meeting-wise Eiden's impression is def favorable! Nicolette might not consider having done much but Eiden's definitely grateful for her cheering up his younger self - that said even when the quincy thing comes up Eiden's unlikely to grow angry/bitter/whatever words im not thinking about right now, since he's able to put his own feelings aside (in like... a good way ? i think?)

☎ for your muse’s info in my muses phone (name, ringtone, picture, last text received/sent).

Name: Nicolette (...i dont actually see eiden using nicknames that often UNLESS he over hears them being used lmao) Picture: he just told her to pose for camera and took the pic! it looks pretty good!

Last text sents/received: Eiden [txt] hey im working on a new design what do you think about this colour palette? Nicolette: [txt] what do i think? do you even have eyes? 🙄[txt] its the second one -- why are you asking me anyway? Eiden: [txt] then who should I ask? Wang Yi??? [txt] --- wait thats an idea - ill send the pics for him :D // (he just trusts her taste (but hey its only palette though wang yi gets the product pictures too bc in this house we bully wang yi ) - that aside he might also sent texts about picking clothes too!)

📱for a voicemail my muse left yours.

" Heyyy can you do me a favour and spam Wang Yi so he'll unblock me? I'm working on it myself but like I don't want to bother his roommates by yelling at the door - I'll tell some funny stuff about him in return maybe? "

[the-duckless-pond]

TW talk of self harm/ pet illness/ general diary vent

Today has been hard. These last few days have been really hard. After my meltdown I deleted all my messages and waited a week to see if anyone would text me unprompted. My mom did. That’s it.

So, I talked in therapy about other things and did some background processing on the friend dilemma and realized that my love for my bff overshadows my hurt and worked on texting her for a few days. I finally did today and it was scary but I think it worked out? She texted back and said that she saw my posts and apologized and sent her well wishes for Boo and that was really meaningful and truly all I wanted to hear from anyone. I stopped being upset at her over the weekend, but wanted to take a few more days to calm down just in case and I think that was the right call. I’m okay with being back to status quo and will continue to text her and hope that she texts me back but work on being okay if she doesn’t because I know she is having a hard time too.

My other friends are not getting off so easily, mostly because I don’t have the same bond with them or the length of history or the status quo of something like them not responding happening before. So sucks to suck I only have one friend now. Maybe two if we count Kimberly, since she and I hang out once a month and talk about a lot of different stuff but we don’t text so it’s not the same. But Kimberly struggles with texting and I’ve known that from the start so she gets a pass and I just don’t text her.

The friend in the deepest shit is JD. I am majorly pissed at him, to the point that it got so bad that I blocked him for a few hours. I unblocked him in case he decided to talk to me but that hasn’t happened yet. As of now, our last conversation is a blatant cry for support from me and a response from him of a bunch of photos saying look what I did today. And absolute radio silence on my cry for help and support. Like I straight up asked and explained what was going on and he just ignored it. It’s been days since that happened and he hasn’t bothered to text me once. It really, really hurts. That felt like the most blatant abandonment imo. Just plain ignoring what I am saying. That fucking sucked and I hurt myself about it. Chicken scratches again because I’m a weenie and it’s all so new after so long but that did kind of help the emotional pain go away so I got a respite from that.

None of my other friends have even bothered to respond or reach out or anything. And honestly? I’m so tired of it. So I give up. I have one (maybe two) friends now and that’s it. And I don’t see myself making a new friend any time soon since my trust has been so broken by most everyone. So I guess it’s me and my cats and texting my bff about my day against the world. That sounds pretty lonely, right? It kind of is. Not always. I’ve been living like that for about a week now and it’s not always lonely and bad. Sometimes the apartment gets too quiet and my phone gets too quiet and my brain gets too loud but then I put on a podcast or a TV show and it goes away and I feel better. Sometimes I take a nap and I wake up feeling better. Recently I’ve just been throwing myself into my schoolwork and that has made it less bad. So I’ve got things to do to cope. Probably not what my therapist would recommend, but I haven’t told him about any of this yet because I’m not ready to cry in front of him so I’m keeping it inside and dealing with it myself. Super not ready yet. Like I’m crying just writing about it.

He also doesn’t know that I started smoking (temporarily ?) or hurting myself again. I almost told him yesterday that I was smoking again but I didn’t at the last second and changed the topic. I’m definitely not going to tell him that I’m hurting myself again. I don’t trust him enough yet.

Maybe if I told my friends I was hurting myself again they would talk to me. But probably not. So I’m not going to risk it. How do I even refer to them now? It’s hard to stop thinking of them as my friends but what even are they? They all abandoned me in my time of extreme need with Boo getting sick and my breakdown. Okay, to be fair, I’m not advertising that I’ve had a breakdown. So I guess I can’t hold that one against them. But regardless, everyone knows how much Boo means to me and how upsetting this is for me. I plainly stated it. And I got nothing from them in response. So what are we now? Former friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? I don’t know. I don’t know that I care to define it to be honest. I’m very upset still.

I’ve been fighting the urge to self harm all day so far. It’s been coming and going in waves. I’ve been tiding myself over by smoking when it gets super strong, and so far that’s been working, but it’s getting old. And also I have to go for a little drive every time I want to smoke and that is annoying. I did have one about thirty minutes ago after class when I had planned on hurting myself the entire period and that seemed to help, but now that I’m writing all this out the urge is back and pretty strong.

I know I said I’d keep the self harm talk off this blog, but I don’t think any of my followers actually read these besides my bff sometimes so like… what’s the point of putting it somewhere else? No one saw it on my mental illness blog. No one sees it here for the most part. Just like me in real life. I feel very invisible.

Gah. Crying again. I’m having emotions now that I’m taking a half dose of my antipsychotic. Either that or the feelings are so strong that they are breaking through the barrier of the numbness. I’m not sure. One or the other.

I’m not supposed to be taking a half dose. I don’t want to take it at all so this is my compromise. I’ll keep taking a half dose and I’ll see my psychiatrist in October and can make it official then. Maybe. If I am brave enough to bring it up. I might not and just keep doing what I’m doing, but then she’d probably catch on to how often I’m refilling it. So. I’ll probably have to tell her. Well, not tell her. But say I want to be on a half dose. In general I don’t think I need it.

My therapist always talks about getting me out into the world and doing things with people. I don’t think he understands that I don’t trust people anymore. He always asks me if I’ve met my neighbors. I’ve told him that I don’t want to because I have had bad experiences with neighbors. He still says it would be nice for me to talk to people. I haven’t told him about the Great Ignoring yet but I’m sure if I did he would probably encourage me to find a way to make new friends.

Sigh.

But I don’t want new friends. I like my old friends. I thought they liked me too. I thought things were fine and good. But they were not and now no one talks to me and I am breaking apart because I am so lonely and it’s all really hard and I hate it

But like also I just plain give up. I worked really hard to make friends and it was scary and exhausting and hard and I did it and found good people or so I thought. And things were good for like 5 years straight. A solid 5 year run. And then it all fell apart with Boo getting sick and now I am alone.

I’m pretty afraid of making these posts, to be honest. Even this feels too vulnerable. But I need someone to talk to. So, diary, you are it.

On a happier note, Boo just got up and came over to cuddle. She has been pretty active today all things considered. I don’t know if I mentioned it but she has a UTI that was diagnosed last week and has been on antibiotics for about 9 days now. I lost track of exactly how many but she gets her last dose tonight so it must have been 9. I don’t know, it’s all just been a stressful blur. She is purring and kneading at my shirt now and perched on the couch armrest and seems awake and alert. I’m hoping she will sit down in my lap soon. That would be very nice.

She seems to be getting better these past few days. As far as I can tell she hasn’t gone outside the litter box again, and she hasn’t sounded as if she is in pain urinating or anything. She has been nauseous though. Mostly in the mornings but she had a bad episode during therapy yesterday that really wore her out so she spent the rest of the day and the following night in her tower and only came down once to eat (wet food with medicine mixed in). Poor girl must be exhausted. I know I am, and we’ve only been dealing with this for just a little bit.

My support group says it gets better over time as you develop a schedule and the cat learns how to take medicine and one day fluids. I hope that’s true. Right now everything is just in crisis mode for us it feels like.

That being said, she has been much more active these past few days minus yesterday evening. Coming down from her tower to spend time with me, sometimes sleeping in bed at night, often sitting and looking out the window. It’s been a breath of fresh air. Tonight is her very last dose of antibiotics, at least until we see the vet next week, and I bet she will be pleased to go back to normal. Well, the new normal. It’s difficult and stressful and we are taking it day by day. She has spent more nights in bed with me than not and I am considering that a win.

Other things I am considering include ordering bubble tea and cake. I could also make muffins, which might satisfy that craving. I guess it is starting to get dark and no one can ever find my apartment so it might be hard on the delivery person if I order now. But I want something sweet because I am depressed tonight.

Hm.

How about this. I’ll order the boba and cake and maybe some cookies too, and then I won’t hurt myself tonight because I will have gotten something nice. That sounds like a fair exchange to me. I don’t have the energy to deal with lost delivery drivers so I will just ignore it and hope it arrives. I am usually much better about it but I don’t have the energy tonight.

Hold on. Brb.

No. I spent ten minutes staring at the order. I can’t justify it. Not so late at night. Maybe I could justify an insomnia cookies order since they usually work late into the night, but I don’t feel like a good enough person to deserve bubble tea or the cake or the cannoli. It all sounded wonderful but I think I’m a bad person and don’t deserve high quality desserts.

Hm. I guess I could make muffins. Although now I’ve planted the idea for insomnia cookies in my head. I’ll check out their menu I guess. I won’t make the same not hurting myself promise because it’s not as special, but I will say that I will be safe about it I guess.

And I can’t even bring myself to open up their site. I could make muffins, but then I have to be up late waiting for the oven to cool down before I can go to bed. And I don’t have any quick sweet snacks. I might have mini fig bars. I guess that is worth a look.

I’ll probably end up ordering the cookies and just feeling bad about inconveniencing someone and hurt myself, but I had a really rough day and just want something nice.

Update, I ordered a 6 pack of cookies and a pint of ice cream. That sounded nice. I don’t feel too bad about asking them to come out late at night because their name is Insomnia Cookies so like… it’s basically what they do.

I still didn’t deserve it though. I’ll deal with that feeling later. For now, I have to decide what to do with the rest of my evening. I’ve stopped crying now so that’s good. Chances of self harm are getting lower now that I’ve stopped. We will see how bad I feel about the cookies I guess.

I guess I’ll end it here for now. Never did talk about my day and why it was so rough. But my phone is dying so. Oh well. I’ll just keep it inside me. What else is new.

Boo just came to join me and I think she might sit down now. So that’s a positive note to end on.

Maybe more later.

[convoy914]

Encouraging people not to vote is just gonna help the man who wants people like me lobotomized and/or killed get into power.

You beta-read a fic where "voting is pointless" lead to fascist taking power, an apocalyptic war, and, surprise surprise, MORE GENOCIDE than what would've happened if people hadn't been single-issue voters.

I understand you have Moral OCD, but it's time to actually manage your mental illness instead of just blaming your dangerously black and white thinking on it and feeling bad about yourself whenever something goes wrong as a result.

Trump will NUKE GAZA if he wins, have people like us lobotomized, outlaw all things queer, and destroy Democracy forever.

The Republicans have LITERALLY drafted a plan to undo all of the progress we've made since Trump was voted out of office. This is the worst possible year to abstain from voting.

But no... You're prioritizing your short term comfort over the untold billions of people who'll die if Trump wins the election.

I'm unblocking you so you can answer this one question:

Are you willing to side with the lesser of two evils to prevent "more genocide"? Or are you going to act like doing NOTHING and letting a greater evil than the one you're condemning take power in order to make a statement is the morally superior option?

We went through this in 2016 and I'm not going through this again.

If Trump wins, I will die. Trans children will die. Trump's regime will kill us, and will take a FAR more active role in the genocide in Palestine than the current administration.

Sometimes, you gotta swallow your pride and pick the lesser of two evils. Because letting the greatest evil win is the worst thing you can do.

Seems I didn’t explain myself very well, then. Okay. This has nothing to do with my Moral OCD & everything to do with a simple question: do you believe that the problems will actually be addressed? That this is the most effective form of defeating them? Because I’m not so sure about that anymore. I understand harm reduction, but after a certain point you gotta ask if that’s sustainable as strategy.

I’m not saying DON’T vote, I’m saying that I understand those who won’t. To clarify. Because from everything I’ve seen…I have to question whether or not that’ll actually solve anything. Not even just long term, but short term. I’ve reached this conclusion through analysis of the situation, & I’ve gotta say:

The rot that exists will still exist afterwards. I understand your perspective, I do, but I don’t think it’s as effective as you think it’ll be. The majority of people who think like that don’t have Moral OCD, by the way, they just have no faith in a system that they’re convinced is going to fail them either way.

And I’m not convinced that it won’t, hence my understanding of that perspective. The system is fundamentally broken in a way that can’t be fixed from the inside, is the vibe I’m getting. So why bother? Why participate in a system that’s going to fail to stop it either way? Because that’s the crux of this: That people are convinced they’re fucked anyways.

And I can’t dispute that anymore. I used to be able to, but I just can’t now. Maybe I’m a pessimist, but I can’t see this working out well enough. I don’t see this actually stopping the problem and in that case, what’s even the point? THAT’S the crux of the argument, & after all I’ve seen? I can’t dismiss it as readily as I used to be able to. We don’t live in a democracy, & we never have, to be honest.

It’s not a matter of “short term comfort”, because everyone’s well aware things are going to get worse. This will cause more distress in the long term, but maybe that’s inevitable. Maybe we’re at the point where nothing can be done to fix the system from the inside. Maybe it’s just going to get worse regardless of whether or not we vote. Maybe we DID vote for the lesser evil once & things have still gotten worse. Maybe they’ve failed miserably at being a barrier. Maybe the system can’t be salvaged.

…ultimately, I am NOT the one who’s going to eloquently explain the leftist point of view. I don’t have it in me. Hit up James Roberts or someone else like that. All I have are opinions formed from observation. And from all that I’ve seen, this is my takeaway. I’m sorry, but I can’t change that. Now, in the interest of not having a long drawn out argument, let’s just leave it there, shall we? I wasn’t saying all that to shame you for wanting to vote for the lesser evil, just to also not shame those who don’t believe that’s good enough as an actual solution.

I understand where you’re coming from, I do, but I also understand where THEY’RE coming from & I can’t dismiss it as readily as you can. Not with all that I’ve seen. This is ultimately a matter of two differing worldviews on what will actually amount to an effective solution. It’s a matter of what you believe will actually reduce the most harm, & I’m not convinced anymore that this is the only way.

I AM sorry if that came across as insulting, I was just trying to explain why I can’t wholeheartedly condemn the “it’s pointless to vote” people. Not anymore. Not after what I’ve seen. But ultimately I feel like you fundamentally misunderstand the kinds of people making those arguments to begin with. It has nothing to do with “personal comfort”. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Now. This has gotten out of control, so to answer your question…I’m not “siding” with anyone, regardless. I’m open to being pragmatic, but I understand those who can’t be. That’s it, really. I think the system is far gone, & I can’t see it recovering. I’d like to be proven wrong. I haven’t. And that’s infuriating, & it’s reality

It’s the difference between “the system is broken & must be fixed” & “the system is working exactly as intended & must be dismantled”.

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

I saw my enabler of a father today and I need to vent.

TW: ableism (toward neurodivergency), child abuse, parental abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, medical neglect (I guess?), me saying I will do violent things to others but it will not happen I just need to express how angry I am (I do not want to see my mother ever again, she is safe from my anger)

I HATE MY MOTHER SO MUCH, FUCK THIS BITCH.

I have only agreed to see my father and not my mother, as she was the principal abuser. I know for certain she is a bad person, but I had hope for my father, as he is a good man and also suffers from my mother. Sadly, it doesn't seem he will.

I explain to my father how I'm looking to get tested for austism (and adhd maybe. I'm betting more on adhd), and he said they would help. My mother will send me any information I need, I just need to unblock her (Already, I hate this). She already has the informations, because she already looked it up, BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M PROBABLY AUSTISTIC. I don't know if it's a recent development or if it's something she has been questioning for a while, BUT if it's the last one, I'm going to throw her of a building. This woman has been telling me, since I was a young child, that I was weird and nobody would ever love me, I deserved to be alone and hurt by others for being weird, I was dangerous because I was weird, I was annoying when I talked about my interests, it was funny to mock me for my interests and how much I was into them, that I deserved to be mock, I needed to become normal or I would kill them all one day because weird people are dangerous, I was a burden for struggling so much with social interactions and people, her life would be better if I was normal, she wish she could get my brain fried (with electricity) to fix me... SHE KNEW I was neurodivergent, she fucking knew. But instead of getting me a diagnosis, instead how helping me, she bullied me, mocked me, degraded me... When I didn't mask (now I know I was often masking), she was sooo mad and awful to me. I was only like at home when I was masking. And now that I'm gone, that I had enough of her AND I'm thinking of getting a diagnosis, she reveals that she knew, because it paints her as a supportive mother helping her daughter get a late-diagnosis. She played the card of "It was so hard to raise you" so much (she didn't raise me, she treated me like shit), I know this is just to add another layer. "Pls, pity me! It was so hard to raise a undiagnosed child, but I did it! I WORKED SO HARD! I did my best!" Fuck you.

Btw, my mother is a nurse who has worked with mentally disabled children, she isn't an ignorant about the field. She knew. She knew but she didn't do shit about it because she's an ableist asshole (she hates mentally ill people, she doesn't view them as humans), and wanted to force me to fix myself, but it didn't work. I hate her.

And also, the controlling bitch asked if I didn't prefer for her to find me an apartment and they would support me financially. Fuck you, no! I like being independent and not having my money restricted. I don't want her to give me barely 50��� for food per month. Nope, no, nah, not happening. She is never having a single control over me.

[adragonsoulants]

Update on the P. imparis queens.

So... All my colonies consist of only 2 queens now...

One colony had the tube turn pretty moldy but they refused to move out on their own and one queen became too ill and passed, I had to move them all by hand. The other two appear healthy but I have yet to see new brood pop up in their new tube.

Another colony, that's doing extremely well, had workers first out of everyone, they had a queen who still had wings and she appeared to assist in the brood raising process the whole way. But I guess once the workers got old enough they decided she wasn't fertile and shouldn't stick around, so they killed her, she is now in pieces in the tube because they have yet to unblock their entrance. I might try and stick a needle in there to soak the material with some water Incase that is causing some issues with them unblocking it. But also this species is weird.

And lastly, the tube that was two queens, they're doing well and have a small amount of workers! Their tube is getting nasty though, maybe I'll order another one of those refillable testtubes for them because the other colony appears to be doing really well in it.

Not really sure when to attempt to feed these guys, usually with new colonies I feed them a week after their first worker ecloses but these guys have a summer estivation period. And I believe that period is still ongoing? I guess I'll just keep an eye on them and if I see some workers trying to break out of the tubes I'll know that it's time to feed them. 🤷

[maddilynmuse]

Man. I was looking through some old emails today and found a gem I forgot I wrote. I’ve completely forgotten what I intended to happen next, but I think some of y’all might like it! Also, I’m ~*purple*~ because I just updated tumblr and, uh… maybe it’s because I’m on night mode but I couldn’t see my text otherwise ^^’ Hopefully it doesn’t do the same for the rest sljfjlsl I don’t want to turn each paragraph purple @~@

Rue turned off their alarm – which had been going off for at least an hour now – and opened their windows, letting sun stream into their room unblocked by the window. It was a lovely, quiet morning in Hewetown, a bit chilly with the promise to warm up. Dew was still on the ground, and the air smelled sweet. A lovely day, and Rue wasn’t enjoying an ounce of it, once again haven been woken up for a fourth time this week by a bout of fitful sleep plagued by feelings of suffocation and a soreness around their neck until they finally gave in, combing up and down the street long past dark and into the morning. Their boots were covered in mud, hands much the same. Honestly, it was a miracle their neighbors hadn’t called the police yet. At least, they hoped it was just a miracle, or perhaps simply neighbors that slept like the dead. With that done, they went back to the kitchen only to see something already waiting for them.

“Rough night?” their grandmother, Willow, said as she passed them an entire teapot. It was an odd blend, chamomile, mint, ginger and yerba mate tea, but a particular favorite of theirs after a long night. Albeit not so much because of the taste, but more for the energy boost.

Rue drank it hot, hot enough that the taste barely mattered anyways – just as Yerba Mate should be consumed – relishing the heat in their throat and chest, even easing away some of the phantom tightness. Only after they’d had a full cup of tea did they nod, trying their best to clear their throat even as it felt like it was being pinched shut. “Ye-Yeah…” They’d need more. The water was still hot, so they dropped some sage in the teapot and poured another cup.

Willow gave them a sympathetic look, rubbing their back. There was no hiding from her that they hadn’t been sleeping well, waking up feeling like they couldn’t breathe, and they both knew it wasn’t from any normal illness or some sudden development of sleep apnea. Something was wrong with something somewhere nearby, and they were going to have to find it or it might drive them mad.

Rue had a secret: they had magic. Not just used magic, but had magic. Their parents had said it was a curse, or rather, that they were a curse, long ago, and maybe they were right. Magic was, despite what some might think, not always inherently bad, but the kind of will, desperation, and deliberation it took to actually perform anything usually never led to anything good. Oh sure, lots of good people tried it, sometimes good things happened from it, but most pulled out before they could have anything to show for it besides a lesson learned, maybe a weird story or a small memento. But nothing came free, magic included, though the cost didn’t strictly need to come from the user’s pocket. Someone had to pay, eventually. At least, that’s how it typically went. And then there was Rue. They weren’t sure if they were someone else’s cost, someone else’s outcome (intended or not), or something else, but they at least knew they’d always seen and felt things others never did. No amount of trying to ignore it made it stop, but they found ways to cope. Such as lovely cups of tea after long, hard nights. But if this pressure in their throat didn’t ease up, they felt like they were going to go mad…

Though thankfully they didn’t have to wait much longer – a kid said good morning to them through the windows, half-dragging a dog almost twice her size, and Rue had to cough up their tea, suddenly wheezing for breath as they looked at the dog. Willow rubbed their back, raising an eyebrow, but she knew.

Rue ran out to the girl, Cindy, they were pretty sure. “Hey, is that your dog?” They winced at their own voice, it sounded so hoarse, but they’d fix that soon.

“Um… yeah… He’s Shadow…” Cindy said, staring at her feet with that tone of voice when a kid knows they’re caught. “Are you sick?”

“Ah, just sang too much, made my throat sore.” A white lie, but believable, they were known to sing to their plants. Their hand went out to Shadow’s head.

“Careful… He doesn’t like a lot of people…” Cindy said.

Shadow was a massive thing, pitch black and open-mouthed, panting for breath and paws dragging until he flopped on his side, eyes rolled up and bloodshot. He was thin... Rue’s hand slid to Shadow’s collar, a black thing that barely showed against his fur; the collar was digging into his throat, blood staining the dark fabric. Shadow whined as Rue traced scratch marks, feeling phantom pains in their own neck – Cindy was saying something but they couldn’t focus on that, not with Shadow right here like this. They couldn’t breathe, throat closed like a vice was around it, aching and constricting tighter and tighter-

Rue pulled a pocket knife and sliced the collar off in one smooth motion. Shadow threw his head up with a sudden gasp, limbs moving around as the god-awful weight came off of his throat, and bolted down the street in a mad dash. The maddening tightness in Rue’s own neck finally let up and he let out a sigh of sheer relief, a week’s worth of nightmares and crazed searches sliding off their shoulders.

Cindy, leash still in hand, stared at them, saying nothing for a while before moving off with a mumble of, “Dad’s gonna be mad…” and watching as Rue walked back into their house.

“You could’ve just gotten them a new collar,” Willow said.

“No. Not before I passed out, at least. And no one lets a collar get that small that long on purpose, not if they’re also hiding the dog well enough that no one else has spotted it.” There was something worse at play, and it would probably come back to haunt them. But there wasn’t much to do for now, so they just sipped a cup of tea, content to ride it out.

[stormy333]

Sober

To her I was nothing right? Or maybe I was everything? She was my world, my love, my other half… Everything.  I covered her butt to many times. I put up with a lot more than I should have and for what? Her to leave? Not give a crap about me or the fact she’s my everything?

It hurts to care so much that your LITERALLY blinded by love! The betrayal that comes with it, the heartbreak. Oh, screw that your heart was ripped out and stomped on after being shredded! You’re scared of touch, you’re fearful of attachment and you are TERRIFIED OF LETTING SOMEONE IN!

You can literally get addicted to sadness and pain. Once addicted its very hard to let go or move on. It's a true illness. It takes everything to fight talking to that person, it takes everything to get to the point where you're fighting not to talk to them. It's a war within yourself.

You love this person in spite of all they have put you through but you finally have to put yourself and your needs first. It's complicated and it hurts and it's like taking an recovering alcoholic to a bar and expecting them not to drink.

Alcoholism runs in my family, it's an illness. So is drug abuse and many many more things. It's an illness, these addictions are illnesses. Hear me out. I know I'm talking about drugs and alcohol and everybody hates that but think about it, those things are toxic to us. People can be toxic too. Making this just as real as any other addiction. Codependency kinda a problem for me. It wasn't until about 6 years ago and then a year ago the person I was codependent of left my life in a very fast very painful way everything was exposed and it was like a bomb went off and I'm  still doing damage control. I have tried alcohol and to be honest I loved the way it tasted and the way it made me feel BUT I hated the fact I craved it. During that time I watched my dad struggle with not being able to resist his cravings for it. I on the other hand could but I couldn't resist the craving of talking to that one person. My craving for that person was I'd be safe in saying it was as bad as my dad's craving for liquor at the time.  Now that is scary to think back on.

Now just over a year later my dad's been sober for a bit and well I listen to the song Clean by Taylor Swift from the 1989 album and think over these lines

Ten months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it

Ten months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

Constantly listening to this song and thinking I can't wait until I can say ten months. For now it's only been a month and wow it feels so impossible but I'm doing it. Honestly I never truly saw how manipulative and wrong our relationship was until it was over. I knew it wasn't right but I tolerated it and loved her through it. Still love her, but I finally couldn't deal with only being needed or wanted when everything was falling apart with everyone else.

One of the hardest things to do is to write a goodbye letter/message to the girl you love so much you'd do anything for her even destroy yourself. But when you finally realize that (a) it's easier for you to remove yourself from their life and stop hurting yourself constantly and (b) if someone can take your sights off God because you're scared of offending them or whatever than it's no longer an option for you to be around them. It has taken me so long to realize that, yes I chose to turn from God for that person, trust me I don't discount my action in fact I hold all the blame because I never should have let that happen but it did and I had to rectify that. The point is I loved and still love her. You can't let someone interfere with your relationship with God or your mental health.

I had to block her on everything to avoid the urges or try to anyway. I still almost unblock and message her every time something important/crazy happens in my life. I almost add her number back to my phone and call her to tell her I'm sorry and beg her to take me back even though I know I'll be ditched again. Every time I don't I almost do. That's a Taylor Swift song too on the album Red. Track 7 "I almost do".

Anyways...

 I guess the whole point of this blog was to say please don't let things that have happened to you define you. Bad things happen to everyone, it's how you handle it that counts. I've known a lot of people who have had many of different situations in life and honestly some handled it better than others. I haven't had a horrible life but contrary to what most everyone I grew up arounds beliefs about the perfect little pastors daughters life; it hasn't been perfect either.

As for the girl I spoke about, I have always and will forever love her. But it's time to do what's best for me as I know she's doing what she feels is best for her. Our memories. Our time. Our day. All of those things will always be with me. I pray that we find peace.

[sillybert]

not to vent at 1 in the morning but my ex is now speaking about the guy who basically took everything from me positively so i blocked them ^-^

[kjclfaller]

Finally watching rwby8 wahoo

[markantonys]

acos chapters 30-end: ebou dar crew

“elayne had not been so glad to see anyone since...since mat cauthon appeared in the stone of tear. a horrendous thought.” I SCREAMED AT THIS matlayne rights!!!! elayne and mat have the hugest crushes on each other and are so mad about it! this is an enemies to lovers goldmine, and it was wasted! if rj had been more open to the idea of men sharing a woman instead of only women sharing a man (we do see myrelle and sort of sevanna having multiple men but both of those are framed as Bad And Scandalous), i truly believe mat and rand might have both dated elayne. the chemistry is there, and i swear they think about each other differently than, for example, mat and nynaeve think about each other (mat’s constantly thinking about elayne’s sun hair and dimples and how pretty she is, and elayne is doing a lot more internal acknowledging of mat being Maybe Okay Actually than nynaeve has in this book). and especially when you consider **future book spoiler i’m not supposed to know yet but do** that mat literally does end up in an “oh no i hate nobles but i’m falling for one” romance that, in my opinion which is based on my vague spoiler knowledge since i haven’t actually read a word of that romance yet, is just a walmart version of the gucci that is matlayne. we could’ve had it all dammit!!

also, i 100% adore randlayne, but i’m hollering extra about the fact that elayne was also reunited with rand and made out with him a bunch of times since mat appeared at the stone, but does not count THAT as the gladdest she’s ever been to see someone jkfjgh (i know this line is just in the context of being rescued from a tense situation but let me have this)

elayne asserting her dominance with the other aes sedai in ebou dar!! i say that’s my baby queen and i’m really proud!!

when the aes sedai are now looking to elayne to make decisions: “all she had wanted was for them to admit she really was aes sedai. she fought a momentary urge to protest that she was too young, too inexperienced.” these characters are all just babies having to save the world :(((

i forgot to mention in a previous chapter but my heart burst over aviendha taking off rand’s bracelet and refusing to wear it until elayne had one too, and now nynaeve recalls asking aviendha to borrow the bracelet: “aviendha had snatched it to her bosom as if it was her most precious possession, and of all things, elayne began comforting her. nynaeve would not have been surprised to see the pair fall weeping on one another’s shoulders.” MY HEART!!!! elayne/avi/rand triad is literally so good and sensible and natural, we don’t need romantic min/rand at all, that relationship is seriously starting to feel extraneous

“there was something odd going on there, and if she had not known those two were too sensible for such nonsense, she would have suspected a man at the root of it.” Bi And Poly Behavior Baffles Local Monogamous Heterosexual

nynaeve gets unblocked!!!!!!!! i’m so proud of her!!!!

lanaeve reunion!! in the form of lan rescuing nynaeve from drowning and her immediately puking her guts out right at his feet. i love them so much.

ok i have to take that back because nynaeve just slapped and punched lan a bunch of times after finding out myrelle got his bond 🙄 once again i am asking for wot women to stop beating up their boyfriends, good god!

but once lan explains and nynaeve realizes how dead inside he looks, she becomes more understanding, thankfully. “with an effort, she moderated her tone; he was ill, and harsh words never helped sickness.” mental illness being acknowledged by a character who isn’t experiencing it personally, in MY wheel of time? it’s more likely than you think! woohoo!

awww nynaeve makes lan laugh for the first time since moiraine “died” ❤️❤️ “you will be my warder, and my husband, for a very long time. i will not let you die. do you understand that? i can be as stubborn as i have to be.” nynaeve really said i’m gonna fight god and win for this man 😤❤️ tho i do feel that this is all pretty rushed and that lan is not in a good mental or emotional place to commit to a marriage right now, but whatever, i learned long ago that i have to try my best to suspend disbelief when it comes to wot romances. and i suppose that in a world approaching the last battle, there’s no point waiting for “the right time” to marry someone you love.

i already made a post about this when i first read it but i have to discuss it here too: one of the kin mistook mat for elayne’s warder and i screamed!!!! this is literally so mean!!!! at this point we have had 1) mat’s thoughts about how hard it is to keep elayne out of trouble getting interrupted by someone asking if he’s ever thought about becoming a warder, 2) mat in salidar receiving multiple offers to become someone’s warder, 3) mat spending an entire book and a half fretting about elayne’s safety (actually two and a half counting the old days of tdr), and now 4) mat straight up being mistaken for elayne’s warder. WHAT is the POINT!! why would you do this to me! what’s this all been about! add “mat as elayne’s warder” to “elayne/avi/rand triad” and “mat and rand both dating elayne” on the list of “things that are literally so obvious and perfect yet inexplicably do not happen”

leaving the palace, mat is jumpy and afraid that tylin might spring out at him from anywhere. he mentions that she had half a dozen servants seize him in the hall the night before and drag him to her rooms and also that she used his scarf to tie his hands up “before he knew what she was doing,” says that she treats him like a toy and that she makes him feel helpless and has him “ready to jump out of his skin,” feels “strangled” and “frantic” at the thought of staying half a week longer in ebou dar, thinks that he would rather face MOGHEDIEN than tylin, and again feels like he’s about to cry. not much to say about this that i didn’t say in the post about the last chunk of chapters, but my heart is breaking :((( “against tylin, he had no more [protection] than he did against the daughter of the bloody nine moons, whoever she was” fuck this, i am picking mat up and gently setting him down into the polycule! THAT’S the romantic future he deserves!

in happier news, elayne is dressed ridiculously fancy to for a trip to the seedy part of town in which they’re hoping not to attract attention, and i love her very much. mat says that the embroidery on her dress is “thickly emphasizing the oval that exposed half her bosom” he is shook by The Titties, as aviendha was in a previous chapter. he proceeds to say that elayne has a pretty face and to mention AGAIN her dimple which he claims she always expects to work as a method of persuasion. mat is literally the uno meme “stop thinking about elayne’s dimple or draw 25″

“one thing he had to give her; she was too smart to go on with what obviously would not work” all i got out of this is that mat thinks elayne is smart 😌

mat says “i know rand’s afraid you [lan] are [dead]” mat is aware of at least one (1) of rand’s feelings! cauthor crumb!

lan and nynaeve were married by the sea folk last night! i’m crushed that it happened offscreen, i want to know about sea folk marriage customs! i love marriage customs! and weddings! and love! mat being math lady meme about lan and nynaeve being married is killing me jkfgh

mat tells elayne the truth about tylin and she laughs at him and calls it “a taste of his own medicine.” yiiiiiiiiikes. yikes!!!!! this is definitely elayne’s Worst Moment in the series so far. to her credit she does apologize a page later and offer to help him with tylin (though more because she realized “hey, mat’s being nice to me, i should be nice to him too” than because she realized “hey, rape is bad”). however, it is quite clear that the author doesn’t take mat’s situation seriously, so if the author doesn’t take it seriously, how can i expect a character to? and i’m calling ooc behavior as well, elayne “goes crazy trying to help anyone who shows the slightest sign of distress” trakand wouldn’t react like that to mat’s distress no matter how annoying she found him, that’s not her heart.

when a character does something shitty, if it’s a character i don’t like it’s their fault, but if it’s my fav it’s the author’s fault. hope that clears things up <3

but we have passed what i do believe is the worst matlayne moment of the series (i’m glad i knew about this ahead of time or i would’ve been a lot madder - at rj not elayne, of course) so we can move on to their sweet moments

mat tries to give elayne the foxhead for protection against moghedien!!! 🥺🥺😭😭🥰🥰 like, this is HUGE! we know how scared mat is of channeling even from channelers he’s friendly with, let alone from a forsaken, and how tightly he clings to the foxhead and depends on it for his safety. and yet, he decides elayne’s safety is more important to him! i have a moment in a wip fic where mat gives rand the foxhead and it’s a major gesture of love (god knows when that fic will see the light of day (it’s part 4 of my putting mat in the polycule series and part 3 isn’t even done yet) so forget you read that), so imagine my pure joy when that Actually Happened in the book with elayne!!

“she was tall for a woman, but she still had to look up at him. she might never have seen him before.” 1) every time elayne’s height is mentioned i feel like i’ve been punched in the face. she’s even worse than mat when it comes to giving off short energy. she is literally 5′2″ in my mind, what do you MEAN she’s tall? i’ll never give up my mental image of short queen elayne and short king mat + actual giants rand and aviendha. i know aviendha could pick mat up and bridal carry him, i know this for a fact (granted she probably could do that even if he WAS taller than her - which he certainly is not - because she is very strong. oh my god imagine aviendha giving mat piggyback rides!!! i have to lie down.) 2) “character A looking at character B like they’ve never seen them before” is a common wot phrase and every single time it makes me think Realizing Romantic Feelings and i go feral. i vividly remember an instance of mat looking at rand like he’d never seen him before.

“elayne reached up to pull his hat off and slip the cord over his had. she actually tucked the foxhead into his shirt and patted it before handing him his hat.” 🥰🥰🥰🥰

mat: “i made a promise too; i promised to keep the pair of you alive.” elayne: “you wear it. after all, you can hardly keep your promise if moghedien kills you.” 🥺🥺🥰🥰

elayne tells mat he must be careful! she cares about him!!!! “sometimes i forget my duty to my subjects. you are a worthy subject, matrim cauthon.” oh my god elayne just admit you have a crush on him, would you?

i realize i’m just typing out this entire scene wholesale but i’m having EMOTIONS

elayne learning new swears from mat jksjdf i love her i love them

elayne: fuck!

nynaeve: [gasps]

mat: where the fuck did she learn that?!

“she understood? she understood, and not one acid little comment, not one cutting remark? and he was her subject. her worthy subject.” why do i feel like, despite all his harping on about not respecting nobility and not considering himself a subject andor, mat went �� when elayne called him her worthy subject. ohohoho he secretly has a Queen Elayne kink, doesn’t he? just like rand “light help me i did want to kneel and worship her” al’thor

"sobriety. light, what a word to apply to mat cauthon! tylin must be scaring him more than he thought, if he was shriveling up this way.” hmm is THIS the intended purpose of the tylin thing? to traumatize mat into wanting a quieter, more settled life, so that he’s nice and tamed for his future wife to scoop him up? 😒 i like the greater maturity and sense of responsibility he’s starting to show, trying to keep the peace with the girls and keep his promises to them and protecting elayne from danger and feeling responsible for the band members’ safety, but it doesn’t have to come at the expense of his joie de vivre :(

“mat would have [followed elayne] if nynaeve and lan had not been in his way...he deserved to be there, at least, when this fabulous bloody bowl was uncovered.” we both know that the real reason is that you want to keep close to elayne. because you’re her warder. or SHOULD HAVE BEEN IF THERE WAS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD i will literally never get over this.

mat trying to get to the stairs while nynaeve and lan are arguing is the “can i please get a waffle” vine

and now, we reach it. the best matlayne scene of all time, the highlight of the entire book, and one of my favorite scenes in the whole series to date!

“his eyes went from janira’s crumpled corpse to elayne. he had promised to keep her safe for rand. he had promised. with a cry, he launched himself at the killer, ashandarei extended.” i screamed enough over this on first read, but then on the next page mat mentions something about avenging elayne and i realized: he thinks she’s dead right now. he comes into the room, sees “dead” elayne and the guy who killed her, thinks it’s too late to do anything to help her, yet, rather than turning and running to save himself since there’s nothing actually helpful he can do here, he stays to fight the killer PURELY to avenge her. because he promised rand he would keep her safe and thinks that she died on his watch. i am not okay!!!!

and of COURSE i have to scream about the matrandlayne-ness of it all!!! even if the 3 of them are never in a scene all together at any point in the series (but maybe they will be? maybe??? i’m not holding my breath tho) we’ll always have “he had promised to keep her safe for rand.” if you showed me that line and erased all my memories of this book and of every matrandlayne fic i’ve read or written and asked me if i thought that line came from canon or from a fic, i 100% would’ve thought it was the fic. AAAHHH it’s just so much!!! i want that line tattooed on my forehead!!!

“‘you can’t have her,’ he said loudly. promises. ... ‘you can’t bloody have her.’ he started forward, keeping the medallion spinning. the first step was the hardest, but he had a promise to keep.” LITERALLY THE MOST ICONIC LINE EVER so far my top 2 most romantic lines in all of wot are matlayne “you can’t bloody have her” and cauthor “i won’t leave you, i won’t leave you no matter what.” romance peaked with those two lines. and the fact that mat again has his promise to rand in mind here, it’s SO matrandlayne i can’t. i can’t!!!!! the first step was the hardest but he had a promise to keep 😤😭🥺🥰

addition bc i just noticed something else: after the fight, elayne wakes up and calls mat’s name and mat hurries to her side and tells us “there was shouting from somewhere below, but nynaeve and the rest would have to take care of themselves for the moment” elayne is his #1 priority!!!

“her eyes latched onto his, and if he had ever thought she looked at him as if he were a stranger, he saw it for true now.” 📣📣📣📣 USING THIS PHRASE AGAINST ME AGAIN!!! this would’ve been the PERFECT moment for a Big Damn Kiss™!!!

“she drew a breath that did interesting things to that oval cut-out.” even in the immediate aftermath of them both almost dying, mat is shook by The Titties. me too mat.

“‘thank you, mat. i apologize for everything i ever did or thought.’ she sounded as though she really meant it. ‘i keep building up toh toward you,’ she smiled ruefully, ‘but i am not going to let you beat me. you are going to have to let me save you at least once to balance matters.’ ‘i’ll see what i can arrange,’ he said dryly.” elayne ❤️❤️❤️ she might be stubborn, but she admits when she’s wrong (so fuck you to all the elayne haters who use her being mean to mat as a reason to hate her - she apologizes! very genuinely!). i fully support a future scenario where mat is a damsel in distress and elayne rescues him. gimme!!

“[birgitte] was the source of everything he knew about gholam...and he would not have revealed that on a hot grill.” i love their friendship SO much 🥺 such a shame that mat had so much wonderful relationship development with various people this book and was then immediately sent away from all of them for, i’m guessing, the majority of the remainder of the series

mat describes elayne’s eyes as “cool pools of deep blue water” add that to the list of “very platonic metaphors mat has for describing elayne’s appearance.” like, can you IMAGINE him describing nynaeve or egwene or birgitte as having hair like the sun and eyes like cool pools of deep blue water? (well nynaeve and egwene don’t look like that but you get the point)

“were they trying to get back at him? was it just a case of ‘mat wants to be in charge so much, let him see how well he can do without us’? he might have believed it of nynaeve, any time but this anyway, but not of elayne, not anymore.” GROWTH!! and mat confirms a little later that he is now “in elayne’s good books.” this was one of the central relationships of the book, i honestly think they got more pagetime and development than lan & nynaeve and aviendha & elayne, and possibly even rand & min

and one last mention by mat of elayne’s dimple, god bless. the man is obsessed.

“elayne, though, just murmured ‘a most observant subject’ in tones of rueful amusement.” queen and subject roleplay is totally gonna become a kink thing for them, i just know it.

mat tells tylin he’s going to miss her and thinks to himself that it’s true??? what THE fuck!!!!!!!!!! i don’t want to spoil my matlayne euphoria so i am simply not going to think about this. but note my list at the beginning of this post, which are mat’s most recent feelings about tylin before this point, and observe the SUDDEN, WILD, AND UNREALISTIC change of heart.

tylin pinches mat’s ass in front of the 4 girls, to his embarrassment, and while aviendha and birgitte both laugh at him (😒), elayne has an expression of “commiseration” and nynaeve of “glowering disapproval,” and tylin says that nynaeve thinks mat is a little boy needing protection. so elayne and nynaeve did at least make an effort to intervene with her on his behalf, okay, that’s a step in the right direction!

and the reason mat gets separated from the gang for, i believe, the next several books is because olver left the palace to go wander the city and mat tells the girls to make their gateway and leave and he’ll meet them at the farm later. DAMMIT OLVER!!! friendship ended with olver! how could you do this to mat and more importantly to me! i know it’s not your fault but i’m literally so devastated at the prospect of how long it’ll be before mat sees any of the gang again. matlayne was the only thing that kept me going past the cauthor separation in the last book, but what do i have to look forward to now? at least there will likely be more avilayne next book, and they’ll reunite with rand soon (book 9 i think?), and i THINK mat sees elayne again a book or two before book 14 (which will have the cauthor reunion), so i suppose i’ve got my little crumbs, my little carrot on a stick leading me to get through each subsequent book. the great thing about wot multishipping is that if one of your ships is separated you’ll likely have another spending time together in the meantime! still, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, the characters and their relationships with each other are the heart of this series to me and i lose more interest the more split up everyone gets.

for the show i’m instituting a ta’veren buddy system and declaring that no ta’veren should be allowed to go anywhere without being accompanied by at least one other ta’veren (this is counting egwene and nynaeve since they’re ta’veren in the show and should’ve been in the books. anon who told me after i finished book 1 that i would come to see that it’s empowering for the girls to influence stuff by choice instead of by ta’veren-ness, i do NOT see that and i still think they should’ve been ta’veren.)

nobody expects the seanchan invasion! except me because i’d been spoiled. much as i wish this wasn’t happening, it’s certainly a cinematic scene imagining mat running through the war-torn streets desperately shouting for his son. one of those moments i can perfectly see a tv adaptation of in my head. also, these whole last few pages i found myself with the seanchan section of “from the west” stuck in my head, which is how you know it’s a good Villain Theme Tune.

mat gets crushed by a falling wall, the evil foil to my beloved wall in the caemlyn garden, and that’s the last we’ll see of him until the book AFTER next book, much to my devastation.

[springatito-moved]

Thank you for not block evading /gen (I’m not anyone who has you blocked but I really appreciate the respect you show for other fans whether or not you agree with them)

the whole point of analysis is to share your opinion and see who agrees or have discussions with people who dont. that's what makes it nice. but it's also important to curate your experience and block people who make you uncomfortable in any way. i have no ill feelings to people who have me blocked (okay, maybe some, but not in a way that's genuine anger more just light-hearted pettiness) and i unblocked a lot people because if they were receiving votes it was because what they wrote was appreciated by others.

i hosted these to give people in the community some love. even if someone wasnt nominated or didnt make it to the finals or doesnt win, it still goes to show that analysis writers are appreciated! 57 people nominated bloggers who they liked to read and as of right now, less than three hours after posting the final vote form, 226+ people have voted for the finalists.

if someone gets enough nominations to make it into the finals, even if i dislike them, it means they are cared about a lot by the community im also in. that's why i did this and it would make no sense to exclude someone i had blocked but if someone has me blocked i have no choice since there's no way for me to get that to them!