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dangerliesbeforeyou · 5 years

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HIStory’s ranked (no one asked, but here i go)

so i was sittin here, talkin to myself about the HIStory series’ and was like ‘hey, i should rank them’ (which i’ve seen a few other people do, but mines a lot more rambling than there’s because i can’t shut up lol)

so here’s my views lol (ordered from worst to best, imo):

6) My Hero (HIStory1) -

probably universally acknowledged as the worst episode, and i’d be inclined to agree with the masses on this lol... not only is the tone and humour of this series so weird and disjointed, but the entire story line literally makes no sense lol?? it’s unclear who the audience should be rooting for (especially as it goes out of it’s way to paint our protagonist as really unlikable lol, not to mention the love interest is the dullest character ever conceived like ???), as well as this the ending feels completely unrelated and bizarre...

i think this concept /could/ have worked if the guy the woman was inhabiting (which sounds weird without context, but like she’s dead lol) was somehow also inside his head? or if she got to see his memories or whatever & tries to adjust her personality to match the guy’s, causing love interest!dude to fall in love with the guy... (like i could go into more detail, i basically hav an entire au written in my head lol, but yh...)... that way, her letting go of him in the end would feel so much more well set up? especially if she was generally more understanding and likeable..

i think overall this series just fails in telling a decent story lol... & the cringe is even beyond what i can handle lol

5) Obsessed (HIStory1) -

people might be surprised to see this one so low down, especially since i know a lot of people really love this series (& if u do, no hate to u btw, ur allowed to like whatever u want idc), but i realllllly don’t like this series... like at all ...

the plot is weird anyway, which isnt inherently a bad thing, but then u add on the really bad couple and it’s just...... bad lol... like everything about their relationship is built on lies and deceit, and even more so than that it’s built on a lack of mutual respect and fundamental trust for each other! tall guy (i don’t know names soz) feigns memory loss in order to get closer to short guy (btw, the scenes with them being domestic were really sweet, & i firmly believe this could have been an alright series for the actors if the story line wasn’t so bad), short guy’s whole existence in that universe was a lie lol (like i know there’s no easy way to tell someone ‘lol well i’m technically from the future’ but still), then there’s the whole resolution at the end & it’s just so ??? frustrating lol!

nothing bugs me more than seeing conflict in relationships (on screen or irl) that could be solved simply by TALKING TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT & isnt lol... my other issue with this series is the fact tall guy 100% forced himself upon short guy in the tent & like we’re just supposed to accept it cos ?? he’s saying no and pushing away but actually he wants it because he loves tall guy ?? like fuck no i’m not accepting that lol!

basically, bad & bizarre story & characters, & gross tropes just makes this hard for me to watch and enjoy lol... i think, like in my hero, this could’ve done with being a different story altogether lol... (maybe tall guy actually did lose his memory & he falls for short guy all on his own with no predatory intentions?? idk something like that)

4) Right or Wrong (HIStory2)

this one & my number 3 are very much tied tbh, but this one is just slightly lower just because i’m not as big into the couple as i know a lot of people are... & it’s not necessarily the age gap, cos i dont actually mind age gaps in pairings (just as long as the younger one isnt a minor, obv... and also i think any gap that’s 30+ years is a bit weird lol..).. i think my big problem with this is i dont really see why younger guy (again, i have no idea of any of these characters’ names lol) would fall for the older guy? like the older guy is obvs going thru some issues, and hasnt been taking care of himself or his kid properly because of them, but like we dont rly see a lot of why he’s a great guy? like we get the sense young guy is attracted to him, but like love is more than just thinkin they’re hot lol... idk lol this might just be me tbh i just couldnt see why he’d be interested lol

i did like the whole family side though, and showing how a man who was previously with a woman can still end up with a guy (bisexualityyyyy (or some variation of that thereupon)) is something you dont always see in media, so i thought that was pretty cool! (even if the ex-wife thing was kinda lame lol...)

i think overall i see what this series was going for, and that it actually did an alright job in some parts... the biggest problem is that it’s kinda just forgettable lol... maybe that’s why people like obsessed so much lol? maybe it was a train wreck but ohh boy at least u wont forget it in a hurry lol!

3) Stay Away From Me (HIStory1) -

i’m a bit torn about this one, cos there are parts of it i actually really like (them going from rivals/enemies to being good friends to being more), and other parts i really didnt (the stereotypical squealing yaoi fangirl friend)... & tbh, i kinda wish this had just been a show about the budding friendship between the 2 guys... it almost feels too forced to me that they’re made to ‘fall in love’ when i actually think them both becoming less selfish and learning to respect each other as step brothers & friends is actually already a really great story (& i know that it doesnt fit with the whole ‘HIStory’ thing, but stories of platonic brotherhood/’bromance’ are just as important as gay representation... isnt a /substitute/ for representation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always so beautiful to see decently portrayed non-toxic friendships between guys... ok this is a rant for another day tho shhh)

i think maybe why i like this one more than the other HIStory1′s is because kinda nothing happens lol... it’s not overly complex with weird unexplained magic things happening, it’s just a simple story lol... is it still tropey as hell? of course lol! but i think the ‘realism’ of the world really helps, and i def think this was incorporated more into HIStory 2, which i’m really glad about...

overall, this is a relatively harmless series & is actually quite sweet at times... the kiss is awkward as fuck tho (there, i said it lol...)... it suffers the same forgetability as right or wrong tho...

2) Crossing the Line (/Boundary Crossing) (HIStory2) -

ok, so here’s a series i 100% love & totally agree with the hype around lol! i hav no interest in volleyball (or any sports tbh), but the way this show handles the friendships and dynamics between the characters is really well done, especially for a series that’s only 8 episodes long! i also really love that none of the characters really fall into any stereotypes (which is a great improvement from HIStory1 i can tell u lol), and are given the space to actually have some growth & nuance at times?!

(nuance? in MY HIStory series?? it’s more likely than you think!)

the main couple have really amazing chemistry, and the way they get together doesnt feel too out of place or that it’s going to fast, it just sorta flows really nicely... even the side couple are pretty well done (though i wasnt that big into them on my first watch, just cos the whole overbearing older brother thing was kinda annoying... i liked them more as the series went on tho...)

i kinda dont have any major complaints? which is bizarre cos i always hav complaints about things lol... maybe my complaint would be that they all look way too old and attractive to be whatever teenage age they’re supposed to be lol... (but tbh that doesnt take anything away from the story so i’ll forgive them lol...)... i think maybe i wouldnt consider it my favourite because the story line didnt grab me like the number 1... but i really cant fault it in terms of what it delivers lol, legit such a well put together series!

1) Trapped (HIStory3) -

lol i think anyone who’s been following me for the past few months aren’t in the slightest bit surprised this is my number one... i just love it too much lol!

from the incredibly well written and well acted characters, to the interesting and engaging (even if a bit ridiculous) plot, to the beautifully told romance , it really has it all doesn’t it!!! & i think even if this wasnt an enemies to lovers thing (aka one of the most godtier of all fanfic tropes), there’s so many things going for this series that make it worth watching! i have a few complains about editing choices and a few bad trope plot points which were just unnecessary (plus the fact we missed out on a lot of background info on some major characters lol...), but like despite everything this series rly struck a chord with me deep down in my soul lol

i could go waaay more into detail (and maybe i will one day lol... tho not rn, i’m v tired), but the gist of the matter is: i really love trapped lol

(conclusion)

Even though i’ve complained quite a bit here, i am so grateful for the HIStory series’ for bringing really interesting, and a little mad, stories with gay characters and story lines, with a big emphasis on happy endings! there are so many lgbt stories/characters in things that end up dying or just have bad endings, which just sends this horrible message that lgbt people aren’t worthy of having happy endings, which is completely untrue!

So i look forward to future HIStory’s, even if some of them are gonna be bad (& maybe none will live up to the trapped!shaped bullet firmly lodged in my heart lol)

fin~

#HIStory series #HIStory1 #HIStory2 #HIStory3 #(not gonna tag them all individually cos we'll be here for years lol)#review #rant #(not really)#gay series #taiwanese series #lgbt series #lgbtq #HIStory #i've not read it through lol... might make no sense... dont read this lol

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zepdeans · 5 years

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there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3 -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4 -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :(( -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words?? -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!! -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!! -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

#take a shot every time i say whew #fully put more effort and time into this than most of my uni projects xx #its super rambly but thats bc its mostly just my direct stream of thought #also super long! and probably still missing things i wanted to say #AND like 3 weeks late fshfjjkdjkfsd #skam #clownfest 2019 #blabbey

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ofsvges · 5 years

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cailin russo. cisfemale. she/her. ／ sage morrissey just pulled up blasting girl anachronism by the dresden dolls— that song is so them! you know, for a twenty-three year old singer/songwriter / AGT judge, i’ve heard they’re really -cavalier, but that they make up for it by being so +self-reliant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say lipstick-stained cigarette butts, irreverent lyrics screamed into a microphone, and neon lights reflected on pavement. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble! ( cailin russo, kiiara, & the dresden dolls/amanda palmer vc )

hello angels it’s ya girl lainie w my Edgy gay daughter !! i haven’t played her in a hot minute n i’m so.....excited come hmu for plots or like this and i’ll come @ u. also this got rly long i feel like so i apologize in advance yfteygrhujs

tws for: death, drug use/abuse, minor mention of/allusion to child abuse

so FIRST of all, sage is marnie’s half-sister; when their dad left marnie’s mom, it was because the other woman he was seeing in secret--sage’s mom--had already had a kid two years ago, and he was just narcissistic and gross enough to decide at that point that he didn’t wanna deal with kids from marnie’s mom too, thus leaving her to fend for herself while he finally prioritized (if that’s what you want to call it) sage and her mom. sage had no idea growing up that somewhere else in new york, her father--whom she hated--had an entire family he’d chosen to neglect in favor of making sage’s and her own mother’s lives hell.

he was an angry, aggressive person, and though he'd never done more than squeeze sage’s arm too hard when he was mad, he often threatened to, and the way he screamed at her was traumatizing. the whole thing scared the hell out of her when she was little and she developed a deep loathing for him because of that and because of the way he treated her mother. it was just wildly misogynistic and demeaning and even as a kid sage felt it in her bones that it was wrong.

he passed away when she was eight years old and it fucked sage up big time. not because she loved or missed him, but because she felt relieved. she was glad, and it scared the shit out of her to realize she could feel that way about her own father's death. for a long time it caused huge internal conflict and sage spent her teenage years acting out; she was having sex and doing drugs at a young age, ditching classes, doing dumb shit and running from the cops, etc etc. meanwhile her dad hadn’t left them much money and her mom was estranged from her own parents, leaving her to work two jobs and deal with sage’s rebellion on her own.

she’d been teaching herself to play guitar since she was eight and piano since she was eleven and in high school, sage’s teenage angst and inner demons finally pushed her to start writing music as a coping mechanism and outlet. it wasn’t until she was twenty, however, that a girl she was dating got her to start putting that music online; long story short, she got discovered on youtube, had a huge first hit with her single “gold” (kiiara), another with her second single “pink sand” (cailin russo), and the debut album itself went platinum. she’s grown up a lot since high school but still retains that rebellious fuck-you aesthetic and is known for the biting sarcastic wit of her lyrics and the chaotic way her sound jumps from one style to another. like her Pop music is the kiiara and cailin stuff and her more irreverent (and probably less popular) stuff is the dresden dolls/amanda palmer stuff. they’re all mixed up together on the two albums she’s released which i have yet to sort out yfgdhjs

she laughed so fuckingugyfsegdhus hard when she got asked to be an agt judge this season but then she did it ??? and she gets such a kick out of it. she’s so ruthless but like. ya girl keeps it real

she doesn’t do hard drugs anymore; she did two stints in rehab, once when she was 19 and then again at 21, and the second time it actually stuck. she smokes a huge amount of weed so she can be kind of spacey but it rly just....keeps her grounded oddly enough. part of it ofc is that she still hasn’t fully healed from everything with her dad--and then finding out about his second family--but she’d never admit that and has talked about it in interviews MAYBE once very vaguely.

big top energy

she can come off like kind of a pretentious bitch but like she’s actually not tsyyeguhs lowkey she’s v non judgmental and chill she just like. has an attitude sometimes idk. she’s extremely extremely independent, doesn’t like relying on other people, needs to feel like she’s in control of her own life. i see her having had problems with record labels bc of that

overall she’s a rly good friend if she’s invested in the relationship but if she gets annoyed or starts catching the wrong vibes she’s pretty quick to cut someone out of her life. some of that is an actual maturity where she’s able to do what she needs to do for herself to be emotionally healthy, but part of that is also a defense mechanism and can end up ruining relationships that could have been fixed

also she’s very close to her mom now (they had problems when she was a teenager but after her second time in rehab, they put the effort into healing the relationship through a lot of therapy) and takes care of her now so she doesn’t have to work. there’s some part of her that feels like she needs to make up for what her dad did and tries to make her mom’s life as comfortable and luxurious and stress free as possible. her mom is a cute supportive twitter mom getting excited about sage’s music

connection ideas

music collabs!!! pls!!! and people she’s toured with maybe?? gimme all that stuff

a past pr relationship from when she was still newer to this whole Fame thing and thought it was a good idea, but it probably just ended rly badly bc eventually sage was like ???? lmao no

a good influence ! somebody who’s always there encouraging her to stay off the hard stuff and do her best :(

also a bad influence i love angst

someone SHE’S a bad influence on. either in the past w hard drugs or currently where it’s just like......they’re too soft for how wild and blunt and controversial sage tends to be

ex girlfriends thank u. also maybe a........guy she dated in hs before she came out. it would be so soft if they were rly good friends now

fwb, ewb, one night stands that turned angsty (or not), literally anything along those lines

her RIDE OR DIE she would literally do anything for and would probably be her roommate too

#excessintro #hm....messy as usual #!!!#plot w me cowards

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sunpurr · 5 years

Note

0-44 I want to know everything and you know u want to answer

wig ok anon here u go

0: Height - 5′41: Virgin? - yeah lmao2: Shoe size - 9 i think3: Do you smoke? - nah4: Do you drink? - yep5: Do you take drugs? - depends6: Age you get mistaken for - probably like 12 bc i have a baby face lmao7: Have tattoos? - nope8: Want any tattoos? - YES oh my god.... hopefully Soon9: Got any piercings? - yeah! i first and seconds in each lobe10: Want any piercings? - I RLY WANT A SEPTUM and also an industrial bar and maybe... some helix11: Best friend? - all my friends r my best friends12: Relationship status - single13: Biggest turn ons - women existing14: Biggest turn offs - being rude and gross and edgy bc they think its cool15: Favorite movie - lion king (the og one)16: I’ll love you if - ur nice to me. thats it. kjdfhgkjdfg17: Someone you miss - everyONE!! all the time. constantly18: Most traumatic experience - uhhh idk19: A fact about your personality - im very open. the opposite of private lmao. ill tell anyone anything tbh. especially when im drunk i expose myself20: What I hate most about myself - i cant think of anything off the top of my head and i dont wanna make myself sad by deep diving into my brain to find an answer21: What I love most about myself - im cute. im nice and i try my best to be good to people around me.22: What I want to be when I get older - who fuckin knows lmao23: My relationship with my sibling(s) - my sister is my best friend and i love her. my little brothers are just... idk dfjkhfdjg Annoying little brothers i guess24: My relationship with my parent(s) - mostly good. my mum is too good i dont deserve her25: My idea of a perfect date - honestly idk ive never thot about going on a date before26: My biggest pet peeves - ppl chewing loudly djgdkjg i have misophonia27: A description of the girl/boy I like - mega cute, deserves the best28: A description of the person I dislike the most - i dont waste my time hating ppl29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend - i didn’t want to upset them T_T30: What I hate the most about work/school - i dont have a job or go to school31: What your last text message says - “im driving around the car park like a weird stalker” from my mum kjfdfdg32: What words upset me the most - if someone called me annoying id be distraught 33: What words make me feel the best about myself - i like being called cute34: What I find attractive in women - everything i love women35: What I find attractive in men - i hate men36: Where I would like to live - sydney so i can be near all my friends37: One of my insecurities - my face....... isnt the nicest38: My childhood career choice - hmm i think i wanted to be a jockey bc i liked horses djfhjdfg39: My favorite ice cream flavor - mmmm mint choc40: Who wish I could be - i like being myself41: Where I want to be right now - OUT OF THE HOUSE cuz im so fuckin bored42: The last thing I ate - a plain bread roll lmao classic sun43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - [redacted] 😳😳

44: A random fact about anything - the oldest tree rn is 4,841 years old

#ask #anon

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embryonicjourney · 6 years

Text

17.02.19

homehomehomehomehome!!!

i’m dreading going back tomorrow

but think i can do it with more energy now i’ve stopped at home

i need to work somewhere maybe the taylorian basement anywhere that can fuel me and take me away from the outside world pls

i feel mortified by every single thing i do i hate myself an unbelievable amount except it is kinda believable bc im so fuckin gross

even typing this im like!!!!!!!!! stop being so self centred and complaining and whinging and pitiful i wish i were 10 billion x stronger and more endearing and a better person

everything i do seems wrong :(

this time 3 years ago i was having the worst mental breakdown of my life!

this time 2 yrs ago i was so depressed i was ready to drop out of sixth form and i was pushing everyone away by being so unbearable to be around (edit bc i just read thru my diaries from this time i was rly rly rly ill w my ed and couldn’t go a week without purging deep how i forgot)

this time a year ago my friends stopped inviting me to things bc i was isolating myself and i didn’t know how to talk to anyone and i had to take myself to A&E for the first time bc i felt so unsafe

so all in all jan/feb/march always fucking sucks n this year really isn’t much different? in some ways i feel i’m always learning from these experiences and i hope i will eventually grow up and away from this all but rn i’m in the vast swathey middle and it’s all v depressing

i think i have more reasons to hold on now though .maybe ? still a lot a lot a lot of negativity idk but usually it only takes a few small things to keep goin against everything else :)

#zzzz

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spacephant0m · 6 years

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cw for personal talk about religion/spirituality and trying to find myself. Srry for typos

I’m in my room on the verge of tears and switching between crying and having a blank stare, watching brendon’s livestream on my ipad while i type this. I’m trying to study witchcraft to some extent as I’ve never really read much of anything about it before. Specifically I was reading about christian witches. Now the thing is like, i grew up as a christian. And nowadays i still believe in God definitely, but i hate christian practices. I remember reading and studying world religions in college last year and absolutely loving it and being so sad because i never experienced such practices in my own faith that actually seemed..... like, fun, and super connective. Me bawling my eyes out at church camp and being “lost” was not exactly what i originally thought it was. I was just mentally ill and didnt know it. Deep down i always knew i had a connection with God that wasnt faltering over silly shit a kid does wrong. Kid sins. Whatever the fuck. As much as i fucken prayed and asked for forgiveness, i was fine. Christianity is always a race to be closer to God and its like.... how close can i get when im doing the same fucking exact practices over and over.... they never really taught us about meditation and becoming one with your surroundings and idk, letting your spirit free. They kind of talked about it sometimes.

But i just hate the entire setup of church. I miss the family aspect so much. Thats all i miss. I miss bible study but really i just miss the points where we talked about life. Thats usually what we did, we would have an entire lesson setup and it would become totally derailed by our conversations. And it was real and i had a sense of community that i cant get anywhere else. I havent been able to find it anywhere else. But i also miss my personal sense of spirituality. I love that word and i love that it has so many encapsulating meanings. I dont wanna be like a white man self acclaimed guru who’s like read this book it’ll help you change your life....... i feel like those guys really appropriate culture and commercialize it. Its kinda gross. I try not to associate myself with that idea but every time i think about meditating more and shit im like “ew im gonna be a gross white guy whos all at peace w himself and lives in the mountains and shit” AND IT MAKES ME MAD. I’m having a beer right now instead of a cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Tea helps me feel better but im filling my body w shit at the moment bc thats what happens when i get this sad.

Anyways i really hate the idea of practicing a religion. I made a post before asking for sort of an advice on this, like was it okay for me to like witchy things and not actually be one. I was told yes its totally okay. And im not disrespectful of anyone and i dont make fun of any religion. I just persoaally cannot see myself involved with having an actual religion. I dont even consider myself christian so how could i ever proclaim myself as a christian witch, idk.

I dont want to label myself at all. Maybe i dont need any of this. Maybe i just need to play dnd and live vicariously thru my character. Use that shit as therapy. I hear it helps a lot with mental health and social skills. That of which i am verily lacking. I’m just hurting and im pissed off. I dont know why exactly. I just want to do meditation and i wanna buy my crystals and start doing yoga again. This year i have been stretching more. Actually i started on the first of feb. i stretch every day and do vocal exercises to help my voice get more control and deepen it a bit (transmasc).

I am also just a bit overwhelmed at everything. I dont know where to start. All i know is i want to burn incense like i used to growing up bc it always made me happy. And that i only believe in like..... cleansing through these elements and a prayer to God. But i’ve always had faith issues because im so insecure, i never think God will actually help me because maybe i dont deserve it or maybe he just doesnt want to.

I’m also scared im gonna do something wrong or fuck something up. That something bad will happen or something because im dumb. I dont know if i could mix my own herbs that feel right to me, or if i should use a recipe. I feel stupid that i dont have as much faith in prayer as i wish i did, but i have faith that little rocks will help to cleanse negative energy and things like that.

I dont know why im crying, i guess because im so insecure? Or maybe life is just rly hard and i’m overthinking everything. I just feel kinda bad. Yet when my friends tell me theyre praying for me, i do have faith in that and it means the world to me.

I know none of this is a big deal to anyone, and maybe none of it should matter. But im like. Idk. Im very interested in plants and medicines of the earth and shit like i always have been ever since i was young i thought of myself as like. Awakened and shit LOL whatever that means @ 10 year old me. I dont want to feel like anything controls me or owns me, i want to feel like i am in control of my own life and that i could harness the energy around me to not only like bring me peace of mind but to help me through my journey of life.

But i guess my biggest issue is i have no fuckin clue where to start. I hate reading and all this research im trying to do to help myself figure out what i enjoy is just. Making me so fucken overwhelmed. I only read like. 1 blog post and 2 articles and im already losing it. I always grew up w the mindset that God will take care of everything but like. He already has. In my mind. Because he’s already given us all the tools we need. But folks just like. Wanna be lazy and wait for things to happen. Sometimes all u can do is wait but when it comes to like, being THE ONES IN CONTROL, “prayers for america” is dumb as fck.

Idk i dont know anything and its okay to not know right now but i want something more in my life but i want it to be like.... totally personal and i dont want it to be absolutely everything my life revolves around. I want it to just be something i do and that i love. I dont need a label for it. But idk. I just dont know what to do.

If anyone has any sort of advice or is dealing with anything like this i’d love to hear about it. My ask and msgs are open as well. I feel pretty alone right now. Im just patiently waiting for my paycheck tomorrow so i can buy these crystals i rly want. But who knows what it will take to satisfy my hungry soul.

Another problem i rly have honestly is just like. Spending a lot of money on a lot of hobbies. I feel shitty for having so many things i enjoy doing. I try to narrow it down. I havent started embroidery bc i dont wanna spend more money and i feel like i’ll never have enough time to practice. Im just. Mediocre at a lot of things instead of rly super good at one thing. I mean i think im pretty great at drawing but thats about it. But ive been doing that for 10 years so ofc im good at it NOW. But ffs. I wanna do so many things and its overwhelming. I work a minimum wage job and its. I dont have enough money for anything lol so most of my stuff is low-budge† which is fine i guess but. Idk. Im tired. Im sad.

I dont know how to be more spiritual i dont know where to start. And my mind is telling me to slap a label on it or its not anything of value. Which is bullshit. But y’know. Anxiety n shit.

#witchcraft #witch #spirituality #religion #christian witch #meditation #blurb #finding myself #spiritual advice #religious advice #tryin not to cry again #removing labels #self help #i guess #personal #dandan speaks #idk what tags to use

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dcrothy · 6 years

Text

hello friends !! it’s ya hoe moose (she/her) & i’m 21 and chillin over in the cst. i’m jazzed af to join this lovely group and rp with u all !! my gal dorothy here is a semi-new muse & i’m still working some stuff out with her but.....hopefully u like her anyway lmaooo. i would love love love to plot with u all so feel free to HMU or just LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !! if you prefer to chat on discord just hmu on there instead, that’s chill with me. also bc i am such a.....pinterest hoe u can catch her board HERE !! more info abt her under the cut of course~

[ kristine froseth, cisfemale, she/her, 20 ] GINGER by THE FRONT BOTTOMS? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of DOROTHY LINDVIG. maybe because they’re VIVACIOUS but also ALOOF. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since AUGUST of 2016 in 410 and have 1 ROOMMATE.

tw: trauma, eating disorder, drug use !!

ok so !!!! first thing’s first, she usually does by the nickname dolly. but she doesn’t care too much abt what u call her u can call her fuckass and she’d just be like what’s up

she’s a town native !!! grew up in a shitty area w a kind of shitty family. parents were never around, always off on benders or just....generally bein shitty parents. dolly & her older brother had to learn how to take care of themselves when they were pretty young and they’ve always done just fine. they didn’t have a lot of money so dolly got pretty good at playing up the cute lil girl role and getting free stuff out of ppl

as much as she claims she relies only on herself, she also relies heavily on the kindness of strangers bc without them she definitely would have gone hungry for real

in order to stay away from her house as much as possible she would hang out at the skating rink as a kid & eventually after stealing a pair of skates from the lost & found she taught herself how to skate & eventually figure skate as well. she’s always wanted to go pro but.....obviously couldn’t afford the training

her brother used to throw pretty big ragers in their place when their parents were gone so......she started drinking & doing drugs at a pretty young age & just generally hanging out with ppl who were much older than her & v bad influences.

trauma tw !! it was at one of these parties that she had a traumatic experience w one of her brother’s friends. she was 13 and she still hasn’t told anyone about what happened. it happened on more than one occasion and her brother is still friends w this boy so she just.....does her best to avoid him & pretend that nothing ever happened bc she refuses to acknowledge her trauma

she was pretty popular in school but never rly felt like she had any true friends ??? none of her relationships were all that deep and she mostly just hung out with people to get free stuff LMAO and like rides places i guess

but she does have her lil group of friends that she truly cares abt and when she actually cares abt u.......she’s around for LIFE u cant get rid of her sorry

she got emancipated when she was 16 and has been living on her own ever since. at first she’d would just stay at friend’s houses and sleep on their couches, but that stopped when she finally got a job at the skating rink teaching kids how to skate & got a new place to live. she’s been chillin working there and living in the apartment building for a couple of years now

despite the fact she has a job, a good portion of her income doesn’t even rly come from that ??? she has......a sugar daddy who finances most of her spending

that is.....a v brief outline of her life up until this point but imma talk a bit abt her personality now

she is.....very magnetic tbH. knows how to draw in a group and keep them interested

knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt if it means she’ll get something out of it

she’s kind of mean, kind of not ??? she is v moody a lot of the time tbh like it’s either hit or miss with her. sometimes she’ll be in the mood to have a big long chat and in a split second she’ll be telling u to fuck off

likes to know everyone else’s drama but doesn’t like having drama of her own

kind of does her own thing ???? marches to the beat of her own drum. doesn’t rly follow any rules. she’s just out here

does most things out of spite. even if she doesn’t want to do something, if someone tells her she cant do something she’s gna do it no matter what

very animated and lively. the type to dance in the middle of the grocery store if a song she likes is playing

also the type to dance on tables at the club

doesn’t rly care what ppl think about her but.....does at the same time ??? if ur important to her she cares deeply abt ur opinion but if not........she doesn’t give a FUCK

makes homes out of people far too easily & it’s fucked her up!!!!!

she always has to keep herself busy or else she’ll lose her mind :))))

will do.......literally anything to get something for free ??? doesn’t matter what it is or who u are. she can HATE u but.....she will still blow u behind the 7/11 for a free slurpee u know

i wouldn’t say she’s hypersexual but she is highly sexual thx to her trauma !!!

she is friendly yet distant at the same time so like......while she will happily talk to u and hang out with u and whatever she avoids deep conversation topics ig ??? she always finds a way to leave or change the subject when it gets serious or make a joke out of things bc she can’t.........talk abt stuff ajsdfjkgdjgk

a very witty & clever girl. she’s v smart and would have done well in school had she had a slightly better life & didn’t have to worry abt whether or not she would starve

some extra tidbits abt her !!!

p much all of her clothing is vintage/thrifted. she likes to re-purpose old clothes and make them her own. but her aesthetic is v vintage. shoes are her fave & she’s always wearing some funky type of boot or platform shoe

just a real fashion bitch !!!!

catch her online shopping at almost any given moment

mental breakdown haircuts at 2am are her Mood

she loves going to cute lil vintage diners & drinkin a cherry coke. she....actually is lowkey addicted to pop

can’t keep a relationship to save her life. will date someone and put herself FULLY into the relationship but.......will either get bored or cheat on them or put them up on a pedestal so it’s destined to fail after one lil mistake.

she is a self-sabotager like that bc she doesn’t believe she’s deserving of love or any good things really

smokes cigarettes

drug use tw !! smokes a lot of weed probably. also does a lot of cocaine. has a coke addiction, in fact

her fave colour is red

she has a cat named freddie who she adores more than anything else on the planet

likes to play poker & gamble

will literally try anything once

hates herself & is rotting inside!!!!!!!!!!!!

eating disorder tw !! another symptom from her trauma is the eating disorder she developed as a teen. food is.....one of her few things in life she can fully control so she controls it a Lot. she’ll go days without eating just to feel more in control & then often times after restricting a certain food for a v long time she’ll go on a massive binging and purging and it’s awful ://////

just wants to have fun and forget abt how disgusting she feels on a daily basis & how much she hates herself :))))))))))

generally just.............a messy bitch

this is......a LOT. i don’t have a full wc page or anything yet but here r some ideas ig ???

friends !! ppl that don’t actually know her all that well but she pretends they do anyway

exes !! ya girl puts her whole entire being into relationships even tho she runs away from them right after bc self sabotage ???? so she prob isn’t on good terms with any of her exes but......she’s my bi queen so this is open to anybody!!!!

a drug dealer

party buddies

fwbs & hookups, that kinda thing

maybe someone she cheated on a partner with ??? for Drama

or like....someone who’s relationship she fucked up idk

maybe someone who has a crush on her or something & she’s like.......pls don’t what r u doing

someone she has a crush on & avoids them like the plague bc feelings are gross

a good influence

idK i want angst & cute fluffy stuff so just.........everything pls thank uuuu

and ofc.............the song connections i’ve sent to the main~

that was a LOT im sorry y’all but..........come plot w me pleaseeee :’)

#soundintro #this is a Lot i'm sorry y'all rip

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fxrris · 6 years

Text

hello my friends it is i, ur friendly neighbourhood canadian moose !! i’m 20, use she/her pronouns, and i’m a virgo sun, pisces moon & scorpio rising. also a future vet but we don’t like to talk abt school because yikes !! i’m rly excited for this y’all don’t even know. this is my bby ferris & she’s a bit of a nut buT i hope u like her anyway ?? i’m a thirsty hoe and i wanna plot w all of u so HMU or just LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !! u can also peep her pinterest board HERE for a lil more vibes but more info abt her under the cut !!

holy shit! did you see that? oh wait, that’s just ferris mcelroy, the local madelaine petsch lookalike. apparently, she’s been in Moon Valley for twenty-one whole years! they’re very enthralling, but also pretty reticent, which is why: a bouquet of wilted flowers, dirt caked under chipped fingernails, smudged eyeliner, and moths surrounding a flickering light describes their vibe effortlessly. I wonder what this 21 year old hopes to discover in good ol’ Moon Valley.

she’s v inspired by jennifer from the movie phenomena and a lil bit of luna lovegood !!!

so ferris was born & raised in moon valley and has lived there her entire life !!

she’s always been a bit of an unusual gal ig ?? a quiet girl who kept to herself while her identical twin sister, piper was like...the more outgoing & friendly & popular one. but the two were still best friends & ferris didn’t really care that ppl didnt like her as much

she actually preferred it that way bc she’s always really liked being alone. she very very rarely spoke up as a child and ppl and teaches especially thought she was just dumb but she is actually v intelligent

1000000% nature hoe !!! she grew up always being outside and playing with bugs and in the trees. always walkin around barefoot and trying to talk to and befriend the plants and animals

she very much believes that she has a deep spiritual like......paranormal connection to nature?? fully believes that she can communicate with and understand plants, animals & insects and sense how they’re feeling and vice versa. she is very in Tune with the world around her

so she’s quite sensitive and her mood / attitude / emotions are also v heavily affected by like....nature and the weather and stuff u know. but she’s happy when it rains.

tw: missing person / death !! her twin sister piper went missing shortly after their 17th birthday and her whereabouts are still unknown. no one knows what happened to her and her mom still hasn’t given up the search. it was such a tragedy and it rly tore the family apart as u can imagine??? about a year after, ferris’ parents split up and her dad moved away bc he couldn’t rly take it and her mom is.....still pretty shook up about it. she refuses to stop trying to find piper and bc of that people think she’s a bit nutty ???? but what else is she supposed to do u know thats her babY. and she lowkey.....resents ferris bc she is just a constant reminder of their once picture perfect family and her mom always lowkey liked piper more rip

even tho no one knows where piper is or what happened, ferris fully believes 1000000% that she’s dead and the two of the can communicate. she was really devastated when she first disappeared as u can imagine but after speaking to her sister she is no longer upset about it bc she believes that her sister is at peace now and in a better place. she claims that her sister speaks to her in her dreams and also that she can communicate with her spirit.

is it real ???? is it just her way of coping?????????? we will never know for Sure.

lots of people think she is just like.....out of her mind & full of it but she doesn’t rly care ??? like....these are her experiences and if u dont believe her oh well !!! join the club !!!!!

she has major insomnia that only got worse after her sister disappeared. she’s basically the queen of the no sleep club and she’s always tired but.....the bitch can’t sleep !!!!

she is basically in her own little dream world at all times and can be p disconnected from reality ????? like....she’s always got her head in the clouds

she lowkey ruins everything good in her life and is consistently fucking up. she has a tendency to push ppl away ?? just because like......idK she just doesn’t rly think people would like her if they rly got to know her so it’s better to keep people at a distance to start with rather than get attached and have them fuck off???? she’s never had good luck w relationships so it’s kind of sketchy to her

but she feels everything so deeply like.....she’s an incredibly sensitive person she feels everything sO MUCH

her house is an bug zOO. like, she has pet tarantulas and stick bugs and giant millipedes and ant farms and probably cockroaches and shit too like.....it’s GROSS but she thinks they’re rly cool and she likes to talk to them

she’s worked at the amusement park since she was 16!!!! she sells cotton candy :’)

her sexuality is v fluid and she identities as queer !!! she doesn’t rly think abt it too much ig ??? she just......likes whoever she likes and it’s not some big deal to her u know

did i mention that she luvs bugs bc..........................she luvs bugs

smokes a lot of weed probably mostly to help her sleep but also bc.....why Not. when she’s high she’ll just talk about shit forever man which is wild bc she barely talks when she’s sober ???

as for wanted connections i literally want...........everythinG but here is a lil list of ideas !!

a best friend !! probably since they were v young like,.......the one person who rly knows her inside & out and she can trust with anything

a drug dealer !!!!! i imagine she would be like kind of friends w them ?? since she is prob blowing up their phone a lot lmao. also just ppl she can get high with would b cool as well

an ex !!! she probably got scared and pushed them tf away and ran for her LIFE bc she just.......has Issues and it’s hard for her to connect w people

her sister’s friends !!!! this is something i REALLLYYYY want bc piper was v popular and well-loved so it would be interesting ??? they could like....resent her or think she’s a total freak or remind them of piper and they want to be her friend or literally anything i just Want it

maybe some hookups or somethin

someone who like....deadass just thinks she’s a fucking weirdo

also !!!! someone she has a big crush on but.....she is like too nervous to talk to them or like act on it or anything

some friends maybe

literally anything

#moon:intro #this is rlY shitty bc i have to leave right awaaY and i rushed but pls :')#come luv me i luv u all

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jenovacomplete · 4 years

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I mean like. Yeah u can hyperfixate on yuri but once uve read all the manga volumes like..its over....i mean ive had periods where i was hyperfixated on yuri in general but theres no like. Specific yuri series that lots of people make fancontent for that you can consume for months on end??? theres so much fanart for mdzs, and its specifically a danmei. and theres more than just fluffy romcoms....!!!!!!besides citrus..!!!!!!!! I have a manga on my desk rn called "killing me!" abt a vampire hunter and a vampire or "after hours" which is abt adults and one of them gets the other into DJing, and even series with "fluffy" romance can be a lot more nuanced than ud think and tbh i think its a lot healthier to have mostly fluffy stuff than mostly sexual content (gay teens deserve wish fulfillment stuff, also not saying mdzs is sexual i mean ? I dont know if it is? Just yaoi in general) but i agree the worship of """""" purity """"""" is gross but the difference is that its made mostly by wlw. Also i wasnt being accusatory, like i know ur gay, its just funny bc idk like. i feel like everyone got into chinese bl of a sudden and I dont rly get the appeal even tho theres more to it, its kind of like the three kingdoms (i assume theres like politics and battles ?) but magic and gay thats nice!!! That sounds sarcastic its not i swear. i cant watch series that have 50 min long eps but I'll take ur word for it that the untamed is good

hyperfixation has nothing to do with fandom and as someone who's hyperfixated on obscure shit for years at a time if there's no content you can make your own. like I completely get what you're saying but that's really not how that works

ofc there's more than fluffy romcoms -- however most wlw content tends to be of that type bc of the obsession w women being "pure" n shit like that. it's the same reason why most content of gay men tends to become hypersexualised -- it's just another manifestation of homophobia. that kind of content doesn't appeal to me, so when it comes to yuri I often have to look harder. I don't even like romance as a genre (generally hate it actually) which is why I've been going on about tgcf so much -- it's the first romance-centric media that's made me Get It

I get what you mean about how gay kids deserve better n I agree!! hypersexualisation fucking sucks and I wish we didn't have to grow up in a world where we're seen as commodities. however mdzs and tgcf are both what I'd consider 18+ books and any adaptations remove most sexual elements. I really don't think you should pass judgement on them without knowing anything about them. that's not a case of "uh you haven't consumed it so how can you judge!!" but instead hey maybe you could like, ask me what they're about... do a basic bit of googling... also BL isn't yaoi. BL and GL stand for boy's love and girl's love respectively and there's nothing inherently sexual about either of them. I get the feeling you've gotten confused on some terminology

honestly no idea where you're getting "everyone is into danmei now" from bc the group of people I know who're into it are VERY small lmao your social circle is not the entire internet. it's okay to feel confused by the changing tides of fandom and it's okay to feel left out but it's really not anything deep mate. it's okay to not be interested in something other people like, you don't have to justify it. although your concerns about the sexualisation of LGBT people are a legitimate discussion and I'm interested in having it within this context it's just not working bc (as you've admitted) you don't even know the media you're using as a springboard. what I'm hyperfixating on is none of your business and it's not something you should feel comfortable going on anon and basically telling me I should feel cringe for, holy shit. your argument is lost bc you are approaching this as if you have any right to the media I consume! I'm sorry if this sounds mean but I just woke up and I'm really tired and stressed and you're projecting ideas onto me that I have no way to deal w because They Have Nothing To Do With Me

#asks #anon #have a nice day ig #i dont even know what three kingdoms IS #speaking!

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evilrry · 4 years

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Witch hazel is good for treating acne and skin inflammation, another great option is tea tree oil! Both can be a bit drying to skin tho if used a lot, maybe ok for oilier skin but if u have dry skin I wouldn’t use rly frequently just when u want a deep cleanse. You could try a toner that has both in as they’re diluted a bit. Another good option is aloe vera which is v soothing to the skin and reduces redness and skin irritation and is moisturising (also great for sun burn)

aaaahhh ok i honestly was just using it as like? idk like i literally just used it to wipe down my face after working out or when id come home and felt gross but didnt feel like doing my full skincare routine yet maybe i will just stop using it then

#Anonymous

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misterbitches · 4 years

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unpop opinionz abt bl or just my opinions. that may or may not be popular. stream of consci. no one has to care or read. i will do this whenever i like or when i am drunk and/ or high. like now. i do tharntype + sotus, uwma, lbc, and MODC...and long ass writing and spoilers so if u stumble it aint my problem

tharntype:

some user on here blocked me cos i said rape is bad*. and it is. and it’s stupid. and not done right it has no place in these writers, who really cannot write, or producers hands. it’s easy for people to judge it because it allows itself to be judged. and bl doesn’t fix its own issues. it just keeps perpetuating. when you gain an ounce of respect for women mayhaps that will change and we fuck up all that misogynist shit in our brains (FREE YR MIND)

but anyways i skipped til like ep 6. i barely know what the storyline is and id ont care. it isnt that interesting. they’re not great actors but i like the look of that bigger one. together their chemistry is fun i wouldn’t say like....as deep as i would like but watching them is nice

(this is where the wife/husband thing is relevant. i watched 6 - 13 a lot. so the father saying “as long as you’re not the wife i’m ok with ur HOMOSEXUAL rship then” but it turns out his son was the “wife” and guess what? that’s gross. if you can’t write female characters then leave us out of it.)

anyway i can see why people didn’t watch it. i say skip everything and see how they are together. the skinnier one is not as good w like idk. being seductive? but he’s fun to watch lol. together they are nice. i really enjoyed watching their dynamic.

some of the kissing was a lot but not in a bad way. i think if they had a deeper connection i would feel it more. but i saw gifs of them and piqued my interest and i clicked(footnote 2)

the actors as themselves and whatever their rship is fun to watch..i read some UNSAVORY things about one of the actors with another dude in another show but whatever.

hm what else....yea the show is ok. theyre not great actors. cute together. sometimes when they kiss there was way too much like breathing jesus christ shut up. they totally could have done some inverted tropes but they didnt bc why would they.

a...c? c-? i give it? maybe that. people who had some criticism for it were right (like me :P) idk why i got BLOCKED cos i was JUST SAYING. rape in a story for no reason or as a startoff for lust is ridiculous. disgusting. i wont ever shut up about it. it helps no one and doesn’t help the gay community (can go down a rabbit hole here, too)

C- (this is generous but D+ seemed kinda mean...)

sotus + sequel:

idk why but i’ve seen some things flaoting around about the light guy. idk if they are true or not. i did not like that. i saw this before i read those tho (abt him not being comfortable)

this is what im talking abt...and this is where gmmtv will fail. but most bls. they’re CLEARLY worth something. they make money. the actors are a draw for others. i am not a thai citizen nor a thai teen so but i am assuming many get popular. this is because there’s a formula that is almost always stuck to. i am guessing that the channel is a public broadcast (not an HBO type) so there has to be more censorship

i LOVE seeing what countries with less production $ or a more current industry, (like in SEA tho ppl hav ebeen making revolutionary art foreverrrrrr don tforget there’s more than dramas) create. there’s less money and stuff and maybe the editing isnt good or a certain way the drama is shown is very particular and not always appealing. i am nigerian, i respect that shit. nollywood is that shit too.

and as people ge tmore $ for prods or more public support they get better (i cannot emphasize how MUCH BETTER SOUND HAS GOTTEN FOR THAI SHOWS OMG dramas in general but)

so sotus kind of suffers from lower prod quality. but also the acting is bad. sorry it is. i like the darker guy (sorry im too lazy to google names but...singto? right? hes a good photographer) and he has gotten better or wil get better i think but. yea. terrible acting lol

also like...u can tell that other dude wasn’t totally comfortable or they just didnt know each other enough. i don’t know. it was very much two guys standing next to each other now like kiss once. the reluctance to show like affection even in private settings is BONKERS TO ME. literally it’s like these men have the most sterile rships and that is suchhhh an issue in BLs, particularly the thai i guess.

tbh if the storyline was better and if they had more chemistry it would be better to me. i know ppl love it, i dont really get it lol...their kisses r ok...idk it’s like a waste of time. i’ve tried watching it like 1000000 times

thats all i have for now

*im oversimplfying. i think it was bc ppl were being harsh. but any excucses people want to use the fact is that....rape bad and that’s stupid ok. but it sucks cos i wanna rt their gifs sometimes but nope lMAO

i know im not wrong so...

lbc, uwma, modc:

I LITERALLY CANNOT WATCH THESE ACTORS. I’M SORRY I CANNOT. THEIR FACES MAKE ME FURIOUS OR THEIR ACTING. I DONT KNOW WHY. i am shocked i dont totally hate saint bc i abhorred the character in LBC and like. every ounce of it. i dont rly like taht small dude from uwma (the past s/l?) i just cant w his face, and modc...omfg....the guy was so fucking SICK LOOKING

this is where footnote 2 comes in: if i cannot handle ur fucking face i will hate the drama. the secondary char in tharntype like the highschooler? oh my god i wanted to die too but like. shit. i wouulda watched for teamwin but that was barely there. and i could not get through modc. the couple with the age gap is gross, and i lit cannt look at this hot-ass big guy making out with a stick that dies

i cant be the only one. i didn’t like uwma dude’s face in the other drama he was in either. i like him as a person. maybe if i could see him do something else. ...

oh this is also why the first 2 moons....i hated...pha’s....whole.....existence. his face, his attitude, fuck. maybe it’s the playing up the femininity part of someone but then having them being a fuckin doormat. sad cos in lbc and modc the main love interests i like. but they’re also stupid. and just. god. stupid fuckin rships.

too much emphasis is put on love as The Thing but they can’t even exhibit love the way they should. idk what im SAYING IT’S JUST WORDS

had sth else to jot down but i forgot i may update this and remind meself

#thots #my thot #a thot #idk if it counts as 'a thot' bc that tag is for INTELLECTUAL AMBIEN NONSENSE

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queenmabscherzo · 7 years

Text

DVD commentary - Targeting, Ch. 26

this is the second part of the chapter. i didn’t want to do all the post-game interviews and stuff, i mean, that is what it is. but i really like talking about the boys :’) so for the anon who requested chapter 26, here’s most of it:

Winning is a hell of a drug. And the crash? That's apocalyptic.

It starts during the trip to the hotel, the mundane reality of a bus ride that reminds Steve—it's not Hollywood, here. (obv this is a reference to big sports movies, which would end with the championship or whatever, but also any time i can make an MCU reference and like tap on the 4th wall, that’s fun.)

It all feels so big when you're standing in the middle of the stadium, in the middle of 70,000 fans and 4000-watt LEDs (i looked up “stadium lights” btw, which is one of those dumbass things that you feel like you have to research and then reread it a year later and ur like “oh ok lmao”), but when you drive away, when you watch the horizon and the dark night sky swallow that stadium right up, it doesn't feel as big anymore. It already feels like two lines of text on the NCAA Wikipedia page. (the best moments always go by too fast, don’t they, Steve) (luckily he’s got more best moments yet to come)

And now that his mind is reeling back to the dirt and the desert, all Steve can think about is Bucky's glassy eyes. He wracks his brain, running through their conversation over and over so he won't forget: something about hurting Steve, something about forgetting phone numbers, checking on Sam Wilson, (bucky rly cared a lot about sam, ngl. Protective Bucky Barnes made it a personal goal not to let freshman phenom Sam Wilson get hurt IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER)

I love you.

Steve taps his foot incessantly through the drive to the hotel. (in retrospect i should have made a parallel between this bus and the high school bus hnng) The rest of the bus rocks with three different group chants and a tuneless rendition of "We Will Rock You" that the white boys must have started. (mannnnn i remember sports buses ……. I remember in middle school one of our fav bus songs was “stacy’s mom” …)

Steve texts Bucky a simple You okay?, but doesn't expect a response and doesn't get one.

When they finally reach the hotel, Steve's internal systems are going haywire. The euphoria of victory has nosedived, but he started so high in the atmosphere it's becoming hard to breath—the imbalance of oxygen—all the meters in the cockpit spin out of control—(speaking of mcu references) he just wants to know if Bucky is okay. He just wants Bucky to be okay.

So Steve's pretty much delirious when they enter the hotel, split into groups, and go their separate ways. He drifts onto an elevator with Sam and the Bradleys. When they reach their floor, Steve turns down the hall for his room on autopilot—then stops in his tracks.

There is a man in black leaning against his doorframe. The corridor is empty except for this dark motionless figure with a duffel bag strapped to his back. Steve is suddenly very conscious of his breathing.

(in early drafts of targeting, i sent bucky to the hospital at the end of the game. Not like in a Serious way, just in a precautionary way. he just hurt his head so they might as well get it checked out, right. in the early drafts, i had steve and his teammates visit bucky IN the hospital. i considered Rumlow being there, or pierce being there. I also considered Steve punching Rumlow for being gross. But yeah. Hospital. That lasted in the drafts for a long time, actually. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s logistically hard wrt getting him out of the hospital, and like, has more serious implications than necessary. I’m all about hurt/comfort but i didnt wanna beat bucky up too bad.)(and obviously the hotel room is ……. GREAT)

A voice sounds from behind Steve: "Did Eli lock himself out again?" (AGAIN!!!) (I wanna know that story lmfao)

Steve's friends all laugh. (steve does not laugh. He knows who it is already. nerd.)

"I'm right here!" Eli protests from the back of the group.

"That's not Eli," Steve whispers, pace accelerating—heart accelerating. He breaks away from his teammates and strides down the hall, like tripping, like falling, like pointing the nose of the plane straight toward the earth. Like plummeting forward and just barely catching himself with every step. (one time i had a coach describe “running” as “falling forward and catching yourself” and idk how i feel about that metaphor in practicality but it sure works right here lmao)

The dark figure looks up as Steve approaches, but doesn't move.

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky's waist and kisses him on the lips. (we all KNEW who it was right? It’s one of those surprises u know is gonna happen but you still can’t wait to see it)

Numbness starts to creep up his limbs—probably from the buckets of adrenaline careening through his bloodstream, a fire and flood (thank u @ vance joy) every fifteen minutes since the game started. But God, his heart is so big, right now, so loud and so real. If any heart could take it, it's Steve's.

What kind of kiss.

Steve has never kissed anyone like this. A direct line to all the empty spaces in his chest.

(this is the third time they’ve kissed, now. The first time being when bucky was freaking out in his hotel room a couple weeks ago, and pretended it didnt happen. The second time was in millenium park, aka steve’s christmas present to bucky lol. And of course, a lot happened between that kiss and this one. I’d like to think they both changed, as people, even.)

(have you ever been caught off guard by an incredible kiss when you were the one giving it???? Maybe that’s just me, because i’m so casual and careless at all times. But have you ever gone in for a kiss and Meant it, but still the other person doubles down and gangs up on you somehow? That’s this kiss. That’s this kiss for steve. Steve is like, “there’s nothing left to say, i just have to show him”; and bucky is like … still kind of thinking every kiss with steve could be his last. So he gives it all he’s got. I guess. Idk if i’m describing it v well but. What kind of kiss.)

All of Bucky is so strong: (OH YEAH that’s also rly important, i cannot stress how fucking Strong bucky is and how much i love him for it) (besides the fact that he’s been through so much and survived it all …. He’s still GOOD.) (STOP im gonna cry about bucky barnes for a bit) Steve can feel it under his lips and under his fingertips, the molten resilience warm and dormant under Bucky's skin. Steve presses harder and leans closer. He can't get close enough. His hands press into Bucky's spine, and he still can't get close enough. He opens his mouth and Bucky sighs and draws him in and he still can't get close enough.

One of his teammates whistles. Steve and Bucky don't let it stop them, this time. (oh don’t worry, i did not forget about the other boys, those poor poor babies. Isaiah is probably like :o and Eli is probably grinning and like smacking his brother on the arm until it bruises. Sam is prob the one who whistled.)

Steve's body systems are all rebooting. He can't feel anything that isn't in contact with Bucky—which is fine—that's perfect, he doesn't need anything else—

Then Bucky touches him, and Steve sucks in a sharp breath through his nose. (have you ever kissed someone and just forgot they had hands until they USE THEM??) (anyway) Bucky's hands come to rest on his face, leaving fingerprints on Steve's jaw, like lavender and cirrus clouds. His hands slide behind Steve's neck, and his fingers thread through his hair. He finds the dimple at the base of Steve's skull and whimpers.

Steve has no idea what his own hands are doing. (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) (they on bucky’s butt!!!!!!! I’m joking, they’re WHEREVER YOU WANT THEM TO BE.) He can't focus on more than one thing, and right now, that one thing is the feel of Bucky's bottom lip under his own.

He can't get close enough. He presses in for more contact, from knees to navel to sternum. He backs Bucky into the wall, and he can feel the jolt when his fingers are trapped between Bucky's jacket and the wallpaper. (a jolt!!! He prob was a little forceful …………… *eyes emoji*)

Bucky breaks the kiss and hisses and presses both hands to Steve's chest.

Horror washes over Steve. "What's wrong?!"

Bucky grimaces. "Sorry," he pants, eyes fixed on Steve's mouth.

"What—no, don't be—what's wrong?" He steps back, but keeps his hands on Bucky's waist in case he needs—anything. Support? What's wrong?

"Sorry. It's…" Bucky swallows. His eyes flicker. Steve can see the faint green of a lingering bruise near the bridge of his nose. "Dislocated shoulder." (in early drafts, this was a collapsed lung. In retrospect, that’s prob because it might have required the hospitalization. I think the shoulder injury is more … symmetrical, tho.)

Beat.

"You—you have a dislocated shoulder?"

"Wait, you what?" That would be Eli, stepping closer, eyes wide. (athletic trainer eli!)

"Well." Bucky looks down again. "It's relocated now." (thanks buck. Thank you for that elaboration.)

"When did it happen?" Steve asks.

"That—when me and Wilson went up for that deep pass. And landed on top of each other."

(“Bucky and Sam both go up for the ball; it twirls off their fingertips; they tangle in mid-air, and they both go down hard. Steve jogs toward them, heartstrings strumming dominant chords in his bloodstream.

Sam Wilson gets up first, moving stiffly, both hands on his lower back. When Steve offers him a hand, he waves it off even while he winces. Steve glances downfield. Bucky's teammates are helping him to his feet and stuffing his shoulder pad back into his uniform.”)

Steve wracks his brain. "On the last play?"

"No," Bucky says. His eyes dart between Steve and each of his teammates. "Before. We were winning. It was a go route."

It's all kind of a blur in Steve's memory: images of Sam Wilson in deep coverage, Bucky lining up as a safety, zone reads, go routes, post routes, slant routes. He can remember Sam tumbling down on the sidelines, and something occurs to him: "Was it the fight?"

"No," Bucky answers, and Sam speaks at the same time: (<3)

"No," Sam says, staring at Bucky, a nauseated expression curling his lip. (because that play was … A LONG time ago) "No, it was in the third quarter. Right after halftime," he clarifies, and everyone knows he is right.

Steve begins to feel a strange, localized ache in the hinge of his jaw. "You played the whole second half with a dislocated shoulder?"

Bucky shrugs. And then winces. (he’s sO CUTE. and dumb. BUT CUTE.)

"Holy shit," Isaiah breathes.

"I mean, we popped it back in, first," Bucky backtracks.

"Still," Eli hisses, then leaps into action. "No wonder it hurts—Steve Rogers and the kiss of death, over here." (tbh i thought of this joke before i even decided on an injury lmfao.)(i am not funny.)

Steve opens his mouth to protest, but Eli talks over him. "Come on, come inside, I have a couple ice packs in the freezer." (ELI IS SUCH A DAD™!!!!!) Eli fumbles with the key-card and shepherds Bucky into their room. Once they're inside, he relieves him of his duffel bag—working carefully around his left shoulder—and shoves it at Sam without looking, then guides Bucky onto the end of a bed. Once he is settled, Eli turns to rummage through their mini-fridge. "Steve, grab me one of our hand-towels, yeah?" he orders.

Steve does so. When he returns from the bathroom, he stops in his tracks. Bucky is perched on the edge of Steve's bed, a little wide-eyed, but calm. Eli hovers over him, inspecting Bucky's shoulder. Sam sneaks the duffel (i only included this fucking duffel bag so bucky could sneak his Secret Documents into Steve’s room lmfao)(and so Sam could make the “overnight bag” joke tbh.) next to the TV, then catches Steve's eye and shakes his head, clearly trying not to smile.

The entire tableau punches all the air out of Steve's lungs. (same) (obv i really wanted steve’s friends to accept bucky, and i’m nothing if not Dramatic. so. Here we are)

Steve eases onto the corner of the empty bed. Eli doesn't even acknowledge him, his focus trained on Bucky. "They check you out?" he asks as he prods the left side of Bucky's back with well-trained fingers.

Bucky nods. He gazes at Eli the way you might gaze at someone who speaks to you in a different language, but nevertheless does so very earnestly. (i mean it’s safe to say bucky NEVER expected a reaction like this, not only because his own coaches/staff aren’t this nice, but also bc like, these guys are his rivals, lmao) (and he also is prob thinking about what a dick he was to Steve a week ago)

Eli tugs at the collar of Bucky's windbreaker and asks if he can remove it. Bucky lets him help without speaking and without moving his left arm much. Once the jacket is gone, Eli has better access to Bucky's torso.

"Hospital?" Eli asks.

Bucky shakes his head. (LOL)

"Broken ribs, too?"

Bucky nods. (ok ok ok . i worked very hard not to let eli fall into a trope where he just existed to “take care of bucky”. Because i wanted him to rly be the character who cared about sports medicine and … about PEOPLE. So i established it earlier, with steve, with sam, with his major, with his brother, with his kids, everything. And he really knows what he’s DOING. he sat down with bucky for like a single minute, and could tell he had loose tissue and broken ribs around the relocated shoulder. And he’s made something of himself, here, of caring about people. He’s cared about his brother for years, when no one else cared, and now he’s gonna make a living taking care of hurt athletes. I also think it … kind of fits with comics!eli, who was such a sweet bean and just wanted to be a good superhero and live up to his grandpa. I rly rly rly absurdly love eli bradley, guys.) (also contrast him with steve, who wants to take care of people but has no idea what he’s doing; isaiah, who has a good heart but isn’t good at showing it; and sam, a good friend who’s a big goof.)

"Did they scan you?" Eli goes on, and doesn't wait for an answer. "There's loose tissue, I think. Can you lift your arm?"

"Not really," Bucky says, and proceeds to lift his arm (LMAO YOU ASS). He almost makes a ninety-degree angle.

"I mean, I haven't seen the scans or nothing," Eli says, and sounds genuinely sorry for it, "But I think there's some kind of tissue damage. Maybe not torn, but ... Can't believe they didn't take you to the hospital."

"We have doctors," Bucky says dumbly.

Eli dismisses that with a wave. "Did they give you anything?"

Bucky blinks.

Eli beckons for the towel, which Steve hands over. "Any drugs?" Eli clarifies.

Bucky huffs, a small sour sound that could be laughter. "You'll have to be more specific."

Steve, Sam, Isaiah, and Eli all stare at Bucky.

Steve thinks back to the NAC Championship Game. "Pump me with enough drugs, and even I can't tell I'm injured." It could mean so many things. Even at American State, players take shots to stave off the pain long enough for a football game. Sam Wilson comes to mind, and his small doses of painkillers and muscle relaxants to alleviate the back spasms. (if you’re into that kind of thing, meaning semi-unpleasant-medical-commentary, look up “toradol shots” and “football” and some articles are more biased than others but yeah, it’s sketchy either way.)

But Bucky sounds so angry. It's the tone of voice that draws Steve's imagination to dark places.

Eli is the first to recover. He holds up the ice pack, now wrapped in a towel. "I mean anti-inflammatories," Eli explains, "or something to knock you out overnight."

Bucky accepts the ice pack. He turns it over between his hands. He looks thoughtful. He picks at a stray thread on the towel. He doesn't speak.

Sensing the toxic discomfort in the room, Steve is about to step in when Isaiah clears his throat.

"So his arm's not gonna fall off or nothing?"

Eli blinks, then ducks his head. "I mean, he said it hurt," he says sheepishly.

"You ain't have to assault him and force him to strip," Isaiah points out. (isaiah is really a big sweetheart, he just doesn’t express himself well lol.)

"I don't mind," Bucky mumbles.

Sam interrupts, then. "So what do we call you?" (and sam is …… sam.)

Bucky and Steve both stare at him, mouths open.

"You know," Sam explains. "Do you go by … James? Or Barnes? Can I call you Bucky, or is that like a pet name? 'Property of Steve Rogers' or whatever?" Steve blushes. "Or do you prefer the Winter Soldier?"

"Anything but that."

"Bucky Bear?"

Bucky snorts. "Nice ring to it."

"But really," Sam says, smiling now. "I'm gonna hack into Steve's phone and steal your number so I can send you a ton of pictures of me with the trophy. (this is true, and definitely definitely happens.) (except the part where sam hacks into steves phone. He just gets buckys number. Hes not shy, pls.) So. What name do I save you under?"

"... Bucky's fine," he replies with a bemused half-smile.

Steve gazes at him. There is a perfect ache in his chest, like too much color bursting inside and not enough space.

"… out of it. Earth to Steve Rogers." (ISAIAH!!!!)

He snaps back to the present when he hears Isaiah speaking. "I'm—what?"

Sam cackles, which Steve thinks is pretty unfair, since it's his fault Bucky just knocked all the air out of Steve's lungs.

"Maybe we should go," Eli says gently.

"Hell yeah it's time to go," Sam says, rubbing his hands together. "We're going out, right?" He grins at Steve. (sam …… is too young to legally drink. I’m crying. i mean not that it’s hard for young people to get alcohol but he’s literally 19 and asking to go out. He’s so full of life and he’s so RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!)

Everyone in the room stares at him, shifting awkwardly.

"I don't think they're coming," Eli says.

Isaiah takes Sam by the elbow and steers him toward the door. "We can still go out."

"Wait." Sam plants his feet. "Steve, you …" (like sam’s not CLUELESS here, he just saw them make out for crying out loud. He’s just got so much energy and they just won a BIG GAME okay, it just takes him an extra second to process things. Which, i mean, is relatable.) He looks at Steve, then—looks at him—and seems to see something new; then he looks at Bucky, then Steve again, back and forth. "Oh."

"Sam—" Steve tries, but Sam interjects.

"Holy—okay, okay, I mean, he did bring an overnight bag and shit," Sam says, gesturing towards Bucky's duffel.

Bucky's face turns an impressive shade of crimson. "What." (he most certainly did not. Well, staying-overnight wasn’t the primary function of the duffel bag. He was maybe hopeful. maybe.)

"Sam—"

"I think you just took their relationship to the next level," Eli cuts in with a sly look.

Sam, on the other hand, has gone from mortified to elated in the span of about four seconds. "What's in the bag, Soldier?"

Bucky levels him with a scowl to match the nickname. "Toothbrush and a box of condoms." (LIIIIIES. There’s only like 3 condoms. And they’ve been in there for months. but still.)

Beat.

Sam is the first to laugh; Steve joins in, but it's weak because he's reeling with embarrassment. And distantly, definitely turned on.

"Right. We're leaving," Isaiah says pointedly. (poor frikin isaiah puts up with SO MUCH!!!!! His roommates are so ridiculous and horny and he never asked for this except he totally moved in with them and knew full well what he was getting into and is maybe into it, but anyway, anyway.) (housewarming didn’t come out of the blue that’s all i’m saYINg.) (isaiah’s BLUSHING.) Sam Wilson is laughing too hard to protest.

After a small commotion ("There's Advil in my bag!" Eli says, just as Sam calls, "Always use protection!"), and the hotel door latches with a heavy bang. Steve can still hear his teammates in the hallway, but they are muffled and unintelligible, and they fade away fast, leaving Steve alone with Bucky.

Neither of them speaks right away. Bucky is still sitting quietly on the end of Steve's bed, staring, unfocused, into the middle distance. Steve takes the opportunity to look at him. Properly, and all, without sticking his tongue down his throat or bashing his injured shoulder into a wall.

(fun fact: the following transition is a fucking bitch. I don’t think it’s great but i’m an awkward loser, so i was like ok, how do i get them to say i love you and fuck already? Like in a Realistic Fashion. Realistic for dumb jocks.) (rolls eyes forever)

Bucky is in black sweatpants and black Nikes with red soles. The back of his white T-shirt has a list of dates—probably a catalogue of Southeast State National Championships—while the front bears the Southeast logo: a red elk skull with wicked hooked antlers. (check out the “targeting art” tag, a couple people have drawn this and i love them for it) (what else would make a “tundra” logo”...? idk) His face looks better than it did a week ago. Just a little swollen. Steve probably wouldn't even notice if he didn't know to look. There's a string of bruises on Bucky's arm and his knuckles are tore up and there's still dirt clinging to his nails, but all that's just standard football wear-and-tear. He's got a couple days' worth of stubble, and there's a little crescent patch on his jaw where nothing grows; a small white scar from God knows where, God knows when. His lips are parted. Steve wants to kiss him again. But between the corridor and now, this moment with silence and an ice pack wrapped in a crisp white towel, it doesn't seem so easy, anymore.

"You doing okay?" Steve asks.

Bucky's eyes snap back to life and he looks at Steve. (bucky is so spacy lmao awww) (honestly bucky is a lot like me. I think of all the characters in this story, he’s the most like me.) "Yeah." Just yeah.

"You want to use that ice pack, or stick it back in the freezer?"

Bucky looks down at the bundle in his lap, like he forgot it was there. His chest rises and falls.

"Here," Steve says, and stands up slowly so he can slide onto the bed next to Bucky's bad shoulder. He gently takes the ice pack and folds it against his arm, the outside of the ball-and-socket joint, right along the seam of his sleeve. "Good?"

"I dunno," Bucky croaks. "You don't have to—I should probably go." (like seriously, second guessing wild, impulsive decisions? Assuming people don’t care as much as you care? That’s just relatable, man.)

A knot twists in Steve's stomach. He presses into the ice pack a little harder—not too hard—just enough to feel present.

"Why did you come, anyway?" Steve asks.

Bucky's eyes track to his duffel bag, (he came because he wanted to bring steve those documents that incriminate Pierce. He came because he wanted someone to validate him. To validate how bad he felt. To validate the abuse he’s gone through. To tell him he’s not imagining things. He came because he likes steve and he misses him. He came because his sex drive is wild. He came because if he stayed in his hotel room, he would lose his mind.) then back to Steve. "I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut. "I'm sorry I hit you," he mumbles. (and he came to say that, too. he’s been feeling bad about that for a long time.)

Oh.

How ridiculous, Steve thinks. What a small, silly thing, now. He's sitting here with an ice pack to Bucky's mangled shoulder, counting the bruises up Bucky's arms and his face, and that's just the ones Steve can see. He's sitting here in good health and a golden haze of victory, and Bucky is apologizing to him. How absurd. "Oh—Buck, don't worry about that."

"No, look, I'm obviously … messed up and all," Bucky launches into a stammering speech. "I'm sorry I hit you, and yelled at you, and … kissed you. (sorry about the mixed messages, to be specific) I guess. I'm—I just—I want you to know I didn't mean all those shitty things I said. And the game today, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm fine," Steve assures him. "I promise."

"Right." Bucky cracks his knuckles. He doesn't look convinced. "Anyway. I've been fucking with you for weeks now, (by “fucking with you” he means stringing steve along and then pushing him away. Toying with him. Which is how it looks, from certain points of view. It’s not how steve felt, but it certainly could be read that way.) so it's cool if you don't believe a word I say." (bucky was 100% lying in chapter 23 when he told steve “I was messing with your head” [with regards to kissing steve]. At the time, he was in a really dark, messed up place, and he was really angry with steve, and thought they would both be better off apart. They couldn’t mess each other up anymore if they were apart.)

Steve gapes at him. "Buck … You were mad. You had a right to be mad." (for the record, i PERSONALLY don’t condone bucky punching steve. But steve is more forgiving than i am, and more deeply [and unhealthily] attached to bucky)

The look in Bucky's eyes is so specific. Such a localized pain. From a distance he seems hard, and strong, towering marble, but if you look from the right angle you can see the anguish buried in the rock. The fear and sorrow in David's eyes, despite the calm repose of his limbs. (as in michelangelo’s david. I kind of get michelangelo vibes whenever i watch TWS, the scene with bucky in the bank vault.) (but i knew him.) (from the right angle, David looks very scared. And it’s the same with bucky, i feel.)

"I'm real fucked up, Steve." He sighs quietly. "I should go."

Bucky lowers his shoulder to wriggle out from under the ice pack. Steve lets it fall to the bed—instead, he grabs Bucky's knee.

"Don't go."

"I shouldn't have come. Steve ... I don't want to keep hurting you."

Steve has never been able to deny Bucky anything, but this—he read this wrong, before. (when he just let bucky go after hitting Steve) Bucky begged Steve to leave him alone, and Steve has let him go too many times. He'd thought he'd been doing what was best for Bucky. All this time, Bucky thought he was doing what was best for Steve. (isn’t that kind of the point. Of the story. Of them.)

"You won't hurt me," Steve promises. "You haven't hurt me. None of that was your fault."

"I hit you."

"You think I can't take one lousy punch?"

Bucky snorts; he doesn't smile, not quite, but he looks amused, and Steve counts it as a win. "Wasn't lousy. (BUCKY IS BIG) I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. You were hurting too." He pauses there, feeling sober again, and he braces himself. "Bucky, can I ask you something?"

"What."

"Who gave you the black eye?"

He scoffs. "You were on the field. You saw. Wasn't it Creed's elbow?"

"Bucky," Steve scolds him gently. "I mean last week."

He ducks his head and doesn't answer.

"At my house," Steve prods. "Bucky?"

"It's not a big deal."

"Was it Rumlow?"

Bucky laughs, low and bitter.

"It was, wasn't it?" (steve has probably been thinking this ever since he saw it, considering he also overheard rumlow being an ass in bucky’s hotel room a few weeks ago)

"No. It … wasn't Rumlow."

Steve's not sure he believes him, (did you guys believe him?) but doesn't press the issue. He owes Bucky a little privacy. Just asking is what matters, for now.

Bucky looks up at him through long, long lashes; the same way he has always looked at Steve, (LIKE ON THEIR BUS IN HIGH SCHOOL) a bright blue, the hottest part of a flame.

"Quite a pair, aren't we?" Steve says through a watery smile.

"What's that mean."

(means we’re both selfless shits and we both know it. means no matter how bad we’re hurt, we both still want to take care of other people first.)

"Means I'm here for you, Buck," he says, soft and insistent. "I'm not going anywhere."

Bucky shakes his head. There might be a smile leaking through his granite mask.

Now or never.

"About what you said," Steve says carefully. He squeezes Bucky's knee and rubs small circles into his thigh. "You know, after the game?"

Bucky cringes. "Oh, god. I'm sorry about that too." (NOOOOOO--)

"Don't be sorry," Steve whispers—begs, even. Please don't be sorry. Not for that.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Bucky says. The muscle of his thigh twitches under Steve's grip. "I was caught up in the moment, you know, and it just came out, and it was totally wrong-place-wrong-time, I'm sorry."

"Did you mean it?" Steve breathes, almost inaudible, because he can feel the cracks under the surface.

Bucky covers his face with both hands. "It's—yeah, Steve, yeah I meant it. I just … shouldn't." (FUCK SPORTS AND TOXIC MASCULINITY AND HOMOPHOBIA AND FUCK IT ALL and give bucky a hug 2kforever.)

"Oh, Bucky."

When he looks at Steve again, his eyes are red. "You don't have to say it back."

"Are you kidding me?"

Bucky blinks. "Um."

"Listen to me, Buck." Steve sinks to his knees between Bucky's feet and looks up at him. It's dizzying. It makes his head ache just to think of it: all the years, all the football games, all the doodles passed back and forth in class, all the times Bucky treated Steve's injuries with ice and stupid jokes. He reaches up to take Bucky's face in both hands. "Listen to me," Steve says again. "For as long as I can remember, every single day of my life, you were the most important thing in it. The best thing. Bucky, I was in love with you before I even knew what that meant."

"Steve—"

"And then you were gone. Just gone, and I felt so … much. There was so much, and I didn't know where to put it all." Bucky is crying openly, now, his nose red and his eyes shining. "God, I don't want to feel that way ever again," Steve whispers. "So yeah, I do have to say it back." He smooths the tears from Bucky's cheeks. "I love you," he says. He says it out loud for the first time in his life as he looks into Bucky's eyes, the eyes he has known and for years, for decades, for centuries upon centuries. "I love you, Bucky."

(i practiced that love confession during my Long Commute for months before i ever published it.) (such a balancing act, making it sound like something a person would say, and also make it very very meaningful. And like ….. Adequate for these 2.)

Bucky's lips blossom for him, parting like the gentle pink petals of morning. At first, all that escapes is a sob. He blinks, hard, and tries again:

"You're a punk." (bucky’s response was not a balancing act and did not take nearly as much effort, it’s the most in-character thing i’ve ever written lmfao)

Steve grins. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You are such a punk."

There is water gathering in the creases of Steve's palms. "Is this okay?" he asks, wiping away more tears.

"This is the worst." Bucky sucks in a breath, and then grabs both of Steve's wrists and squeezes. "Yeah it's okay."

"Okay," Steve says. He feels his own throat growing hot. They're both going to end up crying, probably. He gazes at Bucky's lips, the chapped creases and the swollen spot where he always bites down on it. Steve smiles. "I'm kind of afraid to kiss you again."

"Afraid."

"Well, yeah, Buck, it always seems to go wrong. (I MEAN HE’S GOT A POINT!) I try to break your arm, or you end up puking everywhere—" (a stranger whistles at us in millenium park--)

"Shut the fuck up," Bucky demands, and pulls Steve in for a kiss.

It is stiff at first—more overwhelmed than anything—their noses and their lips crushed together because they need it so bad. Because if they didn't kiss right now they would probably both erupt into color and flame and leave a crater behind in the Arizona desert. After a moment of desperate contact, after the reassurance that this is real, this whole night has been real, Steve relaxes. He strokes Bucky's jaw and parts his lips. (i wrote this sex scene between a dress rehearsal and a concert. A pretty major gig actually with a big symphony in a decent-sized city. I don’t LIVE in that city, so i had nothing to do between the rehearsal and the show, so i sat in a philly cheesesteak bar and wrote smut.) (i was also very anxious about the gig at the time.)

Bucky's hands are restless. They flutter like sparrows from Steve's wrists to his face and his elbows and finally, the fabric of his shirt, where they cling tight and pull him closer. He drifts back, stretches onto the mattress and pulls Steve on top of him. Not that it takes much coaxing. Steve goes hungry and willing. He wraps an arm around Bucky's waist and helps him shift farther onto the bed. Steve nudges a knee between Bucky's thighs, and that doesn't take much, either; Bucky's legs spread easily, (*eyes emoji*) and draw Steve in, and how absurd is this, now. It's phenomenal, the goosebumps that break out at the base of his spine and sweep straight to his skull.

Bucky kisses like an ocean. Writhing and fluid and breathless, pulse as natural and magnetic as the tide. He wraps Steve in white foam and surges against him. (this metaphor, for example, gives me vivid deja vu for that restaurant where i wrote it.)

Steve's left arm is trapped between Bucky and the mattress. With his right, he gropes for Bucky's hand and tangles their fingers together. Bucky's heel hooks behind his knee and he smiles, but doesn't break the kiss.

Steve grinds against Bucky's hip bone. That earns him a delicious groan.

Bucky gasps softly as he breaks the kiss. "I should probably be careful, you know," he whispers.

"You—? Oh," Steve says, scrambling up onto his elbows. "Sorry! Are you okay? Does this hurt?"

"No, not really," Bucky says, adjusting his left arm. (a resounding “yes” if i ever heard one) (he’s fine tho, he’s fine. just. you know.)

Steve can't imagine—just—at all. He just can't imagine. He can't picture hurting until it doesn't matter anymore. He wants to fix it so much. He wants to take away all of Bucky's hurt. "Is—? We can take it slow, if you want. I'm sorry. Is this—"

"Steve." Bucky spreads his fingers through Steve's hair and smiles. "I said careful, not abstinent." (if you could not tell after reading targeting, i really wanted to attack the stereotype where bucky is a wilting flower who needs to be coddled by Everyone. including but not limited to their Bedroom Activities)

He leans up to plant a soft kiss on Steve's chin.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"I'm not trying to pressure you though," Steve shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. (but also, i mean, steve is very very very sweet and i love that about him. It’s not offensive. it’s seriously fucking sweet.) "We can stop if you want."

"Steve Rogers, so help me, if you fucking stop now, you'll—I'll—I will … I'll do something. I can't think. But I'll do something. And you won't like it." (tbh i couldn’t think of something clever to say, and you know what? that seemed like the most accurate depiction of bucky’s state of mind)

Steve couldn't argue if he wanted. "Oh yeah?"

"Fuck."

"You don't want me to stop?"

"I don't want you to stop."

(at this point, i was picturing like, bucky hasn’t actually Had Sex in awhile. Like a year, even. he’s probably made out with someone in the dark corner of a bar or maybe fooled around in a bathroom at a frat party. which, getting a half-assed hand job 2-3 times a year is nice but it’s not exactly intimate. actually, it’s not even nice. anyway. bucky might be .. even more sensitive than usual. Especially since it’s….. steve.)

Steve leans in for a kiss again, a rich slide of lips against teeth. He tugs gently at the hem of Bucky's shirt and drags his fingernails across the ridges of his stomach.

The noise Bucky makes is sunset and surf and sin. Steve kisses that sound. He slides his left hand out from under Bucky's back and into the front of his pants. (STEEEEEEVE!!!!!!! GET IT STEVE!) That's a good reaction, too: Bucky's hips jump, as if jolted by an electric current.

Steve wants to know every single one of Bucky's reactions, wants to learn every perfect way to make Bucky squirm. He fumbles with Bucky's waistband, and that is fingernails against Steve's scalp; he wraps a hand around Bucky's dick, and that is a hiss of air through teeth; he strokes once, up and down, and that is a low whine in Bucky's throat. He tightens his hold, and that is Bucky's hand slipping into Steve's pants, grasping him and caressing him in return, which—damn, you know. (YEAH DAMN!!!)

Steve trails kisses along Bucky's jaw until he finds the soft spot under his ear. Bucky's pulse speeds up, his breath speeds up, and his hand speeds up.

"Oh, God, Bucky," Steve groans.

That's all it takes. Bucky arches his back, spilling over Steve's fist, gasping for air. (bucky came SO fast in this scene lmfao i’m dyin. I still am not sure if it’s like …. TOO fast. Like unrealistically fast. Or … unkind of me. But i just. he hasn’t done this in awhile, he’s with STEVE, steve just confessed his LOVE, all the game day adrenaline--yeah i mean, at the end of the day? same, bucky. same.)

As Bucky spirals back to earth, his grip on Steve's cock tightens and his pace quickens. Steve grinds down into his hand, desperate and fevered, and it doesn't take long for him to come, too. (i mean i guess it’s been a few months for steve too……...lmao ….)

And that—God Almighty—that doesn't feel like a small thing. That feels like a great deal more than two lines of text on a Wikipedia page. (SWEETHEARTS!!!!) (they’re so corny. STEVE is so corny.)

Steve tries to catch his breath, panting hard against the hollow of Bucky's shoulder, leaving a warm, damp patch in the fabric of his shirt. Bucky twitches under him. Static currents and shallow breath. The dappled violets and whites and yellows of the sea at sunset.

Steve is careful not to crush Bucky underneath him. Even in the dense fog of sex and happiness, he is so, so conscious of Bucky's hurts. If anything, Bucky is more delicate, this way; supine and pale and fragile under the tips of Steve's fingers.

Steve traces the lines of Bucky's abs—Jesus—he would count them if he could see straight. He wipes his hand on Bucky's hip bone and asks, "You want to clean up, or anything? You're welcome to use the bathroom."

"You hinting?"

"Am I—? No, it—I just—"

Bucky is grinning, though. (if you know me at all, you know i can’t write a whole sex scene of like, ocean tides and starlight and fragile hearts or whatever. There’s gonna be a joke about a condom or like, the realistically gross follow-up. I AM WHO I AM.) His stomach shakes with laughter, and Steve gapes at him—miles of smooth skin, threads of cum shining on his stomach. It's terrific and terrifying and it's obscene. (terrific AND terrifying!!! Steve, sweetheart!!!) Steve can't even think in words.

Bucky pokes him, hard, right near the collarbone. "You want me to clean up?"

"… I don't ever want you to leave this bed again," Steve breathes. (STEVE, on the other hand, is a much bigger sap than me.)

Bucky just laughs some more.

"What are you giggling at?"

"I ain't giggling." (oh texas boy)

"Oh yeah?"

"I don't giggle."

"What do you call it?" Steve says, running a fingertip from Bucky's sternum to his bellybutton, a slow, subtle trail.

Bucky covers his eyes so all Steve can see is his smile and the way his throat bobs when he swallows.

He can't get enough. He drinks Bucky in like a drug, every detail, every little meaningless deed. The way one side of his smile is higher than the other; the fine hair on his arms; the mess on his stomach, drying and tacky and glistening in the lines that define his abs; the way his knee sways back and forth; the T-shirt bunched up under his armpits.

"I don't giggle," Bucky repeats. Then he uncovers one eye to look at Steve. The tip of his tongue peeks between his teeth. Steve wants to kiss it. He wants to kiss it all.

"Okay," he whispers. "You don't giggle." He kisses Bucky's elbow, which is the nearest thing within reach.

It must tickle, because a noise escapes Bucky's lips. A noise that is absolutely a giggle. (i don’t think he’s laughing because he’s ticklish, at least not 100%. ;) ) "Shut up," he says before Steve can even open his mouth.

"Not a word."

#dvd commentary #targeting stuff #anon #my fic #pay no attention to the writer behind the curtain

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