#maybe someday when i am not losing my marbles

[euphor1a]

Yin to my yang | jjk

↬ pairing: jungkook x f!oc

↬ genre: best friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, hurt/comfort, fluff, smut.

↬ summary: “I don’t wanna sound cliché or anything, but you are the yin to my yang, y’know what I mean?”

Or, Jeon Jungkook was your knight in shining armor since the moment he entered your life. From being your rock during the toughest times, to being the most supportive and proud best friend imaginable, he was everything and beyond. Until now, that is, because you need to tell him how you feel before it’s too late, and the more you look at Jungkook, the more scared you are of messing it up. Little do you know that he’s on the very same boat.

↬ rating: 18+ (minors dni)

↬ word count: ~8.9K

↬ warnings/tags: character death, grief/mourning, mentions of controlling partner; explicit sexual content: profanity, dom/sub undertones, praising, dirty talk, pet names, breast play, fingering, cunnilingus, big d*ck!jk (cause yEAH), unprotected penetrative sex, creampie, rough sex, etc. — this is a work of fiction, and it doesn’t represent jungkook in any way!

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˗ˏˋ꒰ 🌺 a/n ꒱ this is something i’m really proud of /srs 🥺! happy holidays everyone, i hope this sweet little story reaches your hearts 💗! be mindful of the pov changes and flashbacks though (hope they are not too confusing)! and, enjoy! (banner cr.)

[You, 9:42 pm] gguk? can you come over, please? 

[You, 9:44 pm] well, if possible…

He must be busy packing and preparing for next week. Your grip on the phone tightens at the thought, eyes taking in the intricate details of its protective case with a thrumming pain in your chest. This artsy case was made by Jungkook several months back. He’s always been amazing at painting and craft, and when he saw the trend of hand-painted phone cases, he just had to make matching ones for his and your phone. You remember the proud smile on your best friend’s face when you told him that you loved it so much.

“This is… perfect, Gguk. I’m at a loss of words. I love this. I love you.” 

He wraps you up in a tight hug, chin resting on your head as he rocks you both side to side. “I’m so glad to hear that, muffin. I love you very much too.” 

Letting out a shaky breath, you look up at the dark expanse of the night sky above you. The half-moon shines bright with almost no clouds around, paired up with countless stars embedded like diamonds on the dark velvet. It truly looks so mesmerizing, crafted with such care, as if nature knew which collective placement will be the best beforehand. A small smile curls your lips gently. It reminds you of his eyes. You can go on and on about how Jungkook has the most beautiful eyes. On the other hand, Jungkook strongly disagrees, debating that yours are much more hypnotic and gorgeous. A fond sigh escapes your lips, the heaviness inside your heart seemingly increasing.

Your right hand unconsciously takes hold of the yin locket placed right over your chest, which dangles from a silver chain. The yang one belongs to him, and you mindlessly wonder if he’s wearing it right now. When he bought these last year on valentine’s, he made it clear that he wants to wear them always and forever. Something you had agreed to do too. You can still vividly picture the wide grin plastered on his face during the whole ordeal.

An involuntary shiver runs down your spine when you remember how his hot breath had fanned over your neck, his long fingers closing the clasp of the chain before gripping on your shoulder. He was beyond happy and proud of himself. 

Within a certain distance between each other, the magnets inside the pendants lock them in; putting yin and yang where they belong — together. 

Last year, on Valentine’s Day

“Yin and Yang, huh? God, that’s so cheesy,” you mutter shyly, avoiding his gaze at all costs. You’re certain if you look up at him, you’ll get that mushy feeling in your chest again. 

“Yeah. I don’t really wanna sound cliché or anything, but you are the yin to my yang, y’know?” 

“... Gross.” 

Jungkook smacks the side of your head playfully, mocking your tone, “Gross! Yeah, gross. That’s why you’re not looking at me. Because you don’t want me to see your kawaii ass happy eyes.” 

Shit, busted.

You try to change the topic immediately, knowing that he’ll most likely continue calling you out. “Why… why are you suddenly giving me this, Gguk? And today out of all days? Don’t tell me that you’re in love with me.” 

He groans at that, earning a snicker from you. “Relax, relax, I was just teasing you.” 

You don’t notice, but his shoulders droop subtly. Oh, how he wishes that you weren’t just teasing him. 

Done and over with small talk, Jungkook is quick to put the accessory on both of you. Before you can comprehend further, he’s standing just a few inches away from you, those pools of honey looking at you earnestly. “Ready to see the magic?” 

It’s like he knows how to make you weak in the knees. You just nod, not trusting your voice with this one. There’s this knowing smirk on his face you absolutely despise. God, you’d kill to kiss that smirk off his face. If you just lean in a little right now? Your lips will press perfectly against those pretty pink ones.

Click.

Broken out of your reverie, you blink rapidly, remembering why you two were standing so close in the first place. The yin and yang pendants he bought. 

When your eyes find his, you suddenly feel the urge to pull him closer and maybe touch your foreheads together. But you really shouldn’t. He’s still your best friend, after all. 

“Look how cool!” Jungkook squeals, eyes wide with astonishment and awe. You tilt your head down, watching the joined yin and yang gently dangling in the air between you two. 

Why does he gotta be so endearing?

As you look up to meet his eyes again, you freeze. Is he… leaning towards you? Swallowing nervously, you look down again, praying that he’s not able to hear the frantic beating of your heart.

“I think I should disconnect them. Unless you wanna stay like this.” There’s a certain suggestion in his tone that makes your stomach jump.

“Um— yeah. You should. I’d rather get stuck in a basement alone than what you’re saying.”

“Wow. And here I thought you liked me.” He pouts, his hands coming up to hold the yin and yang. 

“Don’t flatter yourself.” You try your best to look away from his hands but struggle to do so. Lord, why did you have to make him so perfect? 

You don’t know how long it has been, the only thing you know is that you are not going to look at Jungkook. You won’t look at his furrowed brows and his little pout, or his veiny hands that work hard to pull on the pendants.

“See how hard it is to separate them? Just like us.” Laughing amusedly for a moment, Jungkook refocuses onto the joined yin yang. He really is trying his best, using all of the core strength he can muster. You giggle, noticing that his face is turning red from the effort.

“What happened, muscle man?” You tease, hands covering his bigger ones that hold the yin and yang. He grumbles, lips forming into his signature pout — completely unaware of your heart that melts on point. Squeezing his hands in your hold, you huff, “At least let me try? You’ve tried for long enough now.”

Jungkook looks up to meet your eyes. “Fiiiine. Only because you’re being whiny and it’s distracting me.” 

Who is he kidding, again? Being this close to you affected him much more than he’d like to admit. And then you had to come even closer and hold onto his hands like he’s the most delicate thing ever. Fuck, are you doing this on purpose? Can you hear his heartbeat? Dang it, he probably looks like a fool right now. 

Slipping his hands out of your grasp hastily, Jungkook motions you to try. “Don’t chicken out now, will you?” 

“In your dreams,” you clap back, trying to turn the locked pendants in separate directions. He snorts, proceeding to criticize your approach until he hears a gentle click.

“F-fuck, how did you—” 

“I guess working out in the gym for hours didn’t really pay off, tsk tsk.” You pout at him in a provoking manner, eyes glinting as you lean down to touch his firm chest. Jungkook freezes momentarily, tongue wetting his lower lip while he watches you tuck the chain inside his hoodie. “There you go.”

He shakes his head, unsure if he’s relieved or disappointed. However, just as you start to retreat, his reflexes kick in, strong hands curling around your waist to hoist you up in the air. “You break my heart; I thought you liked that I go to gym.” 

Ignoring him completely, you shriek, “Put me down!! Oh my god, you’ll drop me. AAAAA!” You are unable to see the knowing smirk on his face as you writhe against his hold. “I swear to God, Jeon— you either put me down or you get kicked in the nuts.” 

“Mm. You may try,” Jungkook hums, face subtly resting against your chest. “But you keep forgetting that I’m the one here with a taekwondo black belt.” 

“Fuck you.” You frown at him. He really has a way to get on your nerves. Here you are trying to save yourself from further embarrassment, and he’s being a clueless dumb little boy about it. Oh, why is he like this? You’re quite sure that he can feel your pebbled nipples pressing into his skin. 

Jungkook snickers, loosening his grasp around you. “I’d love to, baby.” 

There it is again. The most infuriating shit-eating grin that Jeon Jungkook masters. You take a deep breath to compose yourself first, thoughts jumbled up from being this close to him.

“You’re so insufferable, you know that?” A huff escapes you, hands defensively covering your chest. You really hope that he didn’t register it. You’ll most certainly want the Earth to swallow you alive if he mentions anything about your—

“Don’t act like a diva.” Jungkook rolls his eyes in the cutest way possible, making you scoff.

“You’re talking about yourself, right?”

“Pffft, you wish.” 

Friendship and love. These two are very different, yet strikingly similar. True friendship is about trusting each other intently, caring for them unconditionally, and being ready to help your friend through life’s hardships. Strangely enough, love itself consists of all these things… but you just feel them harder, almost like a fever that numbs your senses. 

Over the years, you’ve always thought of friendship and love very separately. But right now, you wonder if they are the different sides of the same card? Because the way you’ve been feeling for your best friend for more than three years now, sure isn’t how you should feel about a friend, best or not. 

The biggest possibility is that you have, in fact, fallen in love with Jungkook and it ignites strange emotions inside you, which are probably led by some crazy hormones you don’t even know about. As exciting and ecstatic that makes you feel, you can’t deny how the constant fear of losing him makes your heart clench uncomfortably. You simply can’t afford that, he’s the only one you have at this moment.

Oh Jungkook… if only… 

At first, your initial thought was that you’re just super attached to him after all these years. And that’s why you suddenly started feeling protective of him when Jungkook talked about a female colleague who impressed him by her skills, or the sweet barista girl who always flirted with him. 

But as more time passed, it slowly became clear to you that it was not because you’re attached to Jungkook as a friend. It was… much more than that. And the thought scared you. Because you knew that you shouldn’t feel this way for him.

After all, he isn’t just your best friend of almost six long years… he’s also that person who helped you through your toughest times and till this day, there is no one else in this world who can understand you like Jungkook does. 

The story of how you two met isn’t exactly what people will consider as convenient. But it’s something you are, and you will always be grateful for. For him, because you wouldn’t be here otherwise. His endless support and care are the reason why you are an aspiring geologist today, following your childhood dream. You wonder if your mum and papa are watching you from heaven, feeling proud of you as you’re doing something you’ve always loved.

Six years ago, early March,

You sit in complete silence, yet you can hear the sound of your heart beating in your ears. For a moment, you just wish for this cruel world to take you away… just where it took your parents — your family, your best friends.

It’s been more than a month since you saw your universe collapsing in front of your eyes. And you couldn’t do anything about it. You were only able to tumble on the ground pathetically when you heard the policeman informing you about the car accident that snatched your world away from you. 

The sudden sound of the front door opening alerts you, making you sit up straight. Mr. or Mrs. Jeon must be here with the food supplies along with other household items a teenage girl would need. Mrs. Jeon texted you about it nearly an hour ago.

Mr. Jeon was one of your father’s colleagues, but they were very close friends outside of their professional relationship. With no immediate family left after your parents’ death, Mr. Jeon and Mrs. Jeon immediately took you under their wings. Though, you insisted that you live in your home, where you grew up, instead of moving in with them. You provided the explanation that you were already fifteen and some years later you would have to move away for higher education anyway; so, you wanted to learn how to be on your own. Both of them were hesitant at first, but they respected your wishes. Jeons had their own conditions, of course, visiting you thrice a week and providing everything they could possibly think of.

You are grateful, obviously, but deep down you can’t help but feel like a burden to the Jeon family. They have two beautiful sons, as you had learnt from your late father. He told you how amazing both of them were, especially the eldest one, Jungkook. Eight-year old yourself had felt stupidly jealous of this twelve-year old guy your father was praising. So, you pouted and complained that you were a very good daughter too. You remember how he chuckled, ruffled your hair and kissed your forehead. Following up with, “Damn right you are! My princess is the best!” 

A lone tear runs down your right cheek from that memory, and you rush to dry it with the back of your hand. This is not the time, you think, knowing very well that they’ll be knocking at your bedroom door soon. Surely enough, the sound of knuckles rapping against your door can be heard seconds later, stopping the train of your thought. “Wait a second,” you mumble, standing up and making yourself presentable.

Opening the door timidly, you look up, ready to greet Mr. Or Mrs. Jeon, but—

Who is this? Did someone break into your house? Is he carrying weapons? 

You carefully size up the tall guy standing in front of you cautiously. Sporting an all-black ensemble and with the visible part of a tattoo on his hand, he surely gives off the dream emo boy vibes girls drool over. However, that is just the start. When you finally meet his eyes, you notice just how beautiful he really is. Long and wavy black hair casually falling over those big doe eyes, striking jaw and a beautiful mole right under his bottom lip, skin so beautiful that it can make you jealous… He looks like a Greek god, crafted with love. You are so busy admiring that you don’t realize that Mrs. Jeon is standing right behind the stranger.

“____, sweet baby, how are you today?” 

You snap back to reality, noticing her right behind this… alluringly handsome stranger. “Oh! Mrs. Jeon, I’m– I’m alright, I guess. How are you?” 

She smiles warmly, “Do you still feel uncomfortable with calling me by my name? I’m good, thank you, sweetheart.” 

You nod wordlessly, indeed uncomfortable by the thought of calling a mother figure like her by her name. She reaches out to squeeze your shoulder. “C’mon, let’s head downstairs and meet your new friend.” 

Your body freezes, eyes locking with the guy who is now standing by your door frame. He offers you a shy smile, rubbing the back of his head and looking down nervously.

It was awkward, to say the least. You were certainly sure that Jungkook’s mother had set you two up because you mentioned that you felt lonely. However, he was very kind and caring towards you from the start, even when you weren’t sure how to feel about him. He never gave you false hopes about how it will get easier for you like everyone did. Whenever you two were spending time together, Jungkook was always incredibly considerate towards your feelings. He held both of your hands whenever you were having a breakdown, never once asking for a reason, or telling you some bullshit about being strong. He would tell you that your emotions are valid, that grief is hard to handle, and you were trying your best, always making sure to buy you some comfort food later. It took you a few months, but you were starting to trust him, slowly letting him in until you two turned out to be inseparable within nine months.

Picnics with him on weekends was the thing that basically kept you going. He would take you to the best spots he knew around the town, treating you with his homemade sliders and cupcakes because you really liked those. Sometimes he’d buy you ice cream or hot chocolate depending on the weather. You remember walking side by side and holding hands. Jungkook often complained about how cold your hands were, but he held them anyway because he liked the fragrance of your hand cream.

You remember the sleepless nights spent crying in his arms. He let you sob into his embrace, rubbing your back soothingly as you told him how much you hated this world. He would hold you all night, whispering sweet validations while rocking you back and forth. Jungkook made you feel secure and loved no matter how worse you had been feeling on the first hand. You thought of him as your guardian angel. And you quickly realized how easy it is to love him. So, you did. Loved him with your whole heart, not knowing what that feeling would turn into. 

Four years ago, On Jungkook’s birthday

You let out another hiccup, leaning onto your best friend’s firm chest for support. It’s presumably your first time consuming any sort of alcohol, and that too, mistakenly. After one glass of this extremely strong drink, you feel like the world around you is spinning. “I promise I ask– *hiccup* asked for a mocktail. I dunno what they gave– to me.” 

“Who gave you the drink, muffin? That asshole is gonna catch these fists, I swear to fucking god.” He pulls you closer protectively, his eyes scanning the crowded living room of his downtown apartment for an empty space. Jungkook needs to get you out of here. “Think you can walk to the bedroom? You can rest there for the rest of this party,” he murmurs into your ear, brushing a stray lock of hair away from your face.

“Yeah... I think *hiccup* so…”

“Okay. But hold on tightly, hm? You’re wearing heels so you need to be careful.” You nod, arms tightening around his waist as he guides you to the end of the room. But soon enough, you trip and hit your head hard against his back, a pained whimper escaping you.

Jungkook turns around immediately, cupping your face in his hands. “Are you okay, ____? Where is it hurting?” 

Extremely tired and not able to stand on your own anymore, you rest yourself against him. His strong hands hold you steady by the waist, your head falling back in the comfort of his chest. “Ugh… ‘m okay don’t worry, ‘m sorry Gguk… I– *hiccup* I don’t want to move.”

“It’s okay, shhh, I’ll take you.” Without any other word, he picks you up in bridal style. You wind your arms around his neck, nuzzling his neck affectionately and inhaling his musky cologne. People give you weird looks while Jungkook swerves through the crowd. 

Once inside his bedroom, he settles you down on his bed gently. You smile at him gratefully. “Thank you so much… and ‘m sorry for being such a bother.” 

“Shush and try to sleep. Your body has given up entirely.” He shakes his head, helping you out of your shoes. Soon after, Jungkook grabs a hoodie from a nearby chair and hands it to you. “Change to this. I don’t think that dress is… comfortable.” He points at the red bodycon you are wearing. 

“Oh. Um… I’m not wearing a bra underneath.” You lower your head immediately, clutching the soft clothing to your chest. From the corner of your eye, you notice how his ears are turning red. He opens and closes his mouth several times, failing to get any words out. It makes you even more flustered. 

The door to his bedroom files open suddenly, catching both of you off-guard. Jungkook’s girlfriend walks in with fire in her eyes, slamming the door shut behind her. “I literally cannot believe you two. I trusted you, Jungkook. I trusted ____ too, but I guess I have been too blind!” 

“What the fuck? Are you seriously implying that right now? Don’t jump to any conclusions, baby. You’ve misunderstood.” Jungkook is out of breath as he looks at Lulu, but her attention has already shifted towards you.

“She is underage, Kook! What the fuck! What were you two doing? Oh my god I’m — didn’t know that you’ve already turned into a homewrecker whore, ____.” 

“LULU! Watch your mouth!” Jungkook stands between you and his girlfriend, blocking her vision as she was glaring at you bitterly. Even though you feel numb, the burn of your tears is painful.

“I.. I was feeling unwell, so Gguk carried me here. I was just about to lie down and rest when you barged in, Lulu. Please don’t throw accusations without knowing what actually happened.” 

“Yeah. Definitely. I can see that. I should’ve asked Jungkook to distance himself beforehand when I noticed how touchy touchy you can get. But Jungkook? I really thought that you’re better than this.” 

He inhales a shaky breath, and from the way his hands form into fists, you know that he’s struggling to contain his anger. “Do you really mind calming the fuck down, babe? Because you’re not making any sense. We’re best friends, of course we will hug and hold hands and do stuff that best friends do! What do you mean by that phrase? You know damn well that I’ll never distance myself from her because of some insecure person’s paranoia! And you wanna know the truth? I thought that you were better than this too.” 

A pained mewl escapes you, your eyes blurring with tears as you feel the throbbing pain in your head increasing tenfold. Jungkook looks at you immediately, reaching for your side and holding your shoulders. “Hey, hey it’s okay, muffin, everything will be okay. I’m here. Shhh.” Those are the last words you hear before blacking out.

++

After who knows how long, you feel your senses coming back to you. The first thing you register is that your throat is extremely dry and burning. “Water…” you mumble almost inaudibly. But, when a cold feeling against your lips surprises you moments later, you open your eyes.

“Drink it,” Jungkook encourages, his hand holding the glass steadily close to your mouth. You nod before downing some of it, a sigh escaping you as the cool liquid soothes your throat.

“Are you okay, muffin? I was so fucking worried, gosh.” He places the glass on the bedside table, not once looking away from you.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing you whisper, reaching for his hand and squeezing it in your hold. You’ve never felt more ashamed in your life before.

“For what? If it’s about the whole scene with Lulu– I swear—”

“For everything. I ruined your birthday party. I ruined what you had with Lulu. I ruined everything. I’m… I’m so sorry. Did you manage to talk it out with her?”

“We broke up.” His voice is strangely cold.

“Oh my god— I– Gguk I’m so sorry?! It’s my fault. Gosh, I… hate myself.” 

“I’m glad she broke up with me. And I don’t regret anything.” Jungkook smiles at you. “Try to get some sleep now, okay? It’s late.” 

“Gguk… what are you saying? I have seen how happy you two looked together– aren’t you, like, upset?” you press further, not believing your own ears. What is he saying? 

“You need to rest, muffin. We’ll talk about this later.” He stands up from his bed, and you just notice that he has changed into a simple gray tee and a pair of black shorts. 

“I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t tell me.” Your voice is surprisingly firm, a sigh escaping him. He takes a seat beside you on the bed, looking at you with gentleness in his eyes.

“Lulu… I was happy with her. Until she started to get really controlling. You remember how she was talking about telling me to distance myself beforehand? … Yeah. A month back she said that my friendship with you makes her uncomfortable. We argued and it ended up being a huge thing. She’s been quite toxic since then.” 

“Oh… I’m so sorry that you had to face that. And I’m sorry for being a problem.”

Jungkook grumbles, his face inching closer to yours until it’s hovering just a few centimeters away. “Say that again and I’ll shut you up. You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I’m not gonna lose you for some stupid ass relationship!” 

You giggle at that, reaching out to stroke his jawline. “Stupid ass relationship? Says the man who can’t go a day without whining about some sort of intimacy. ‘It’s not my fault that physical touch is my love language, I feel lonely if I’m not being touched!’”

“You little minx!” Jungkook pretends to pounce on you, starting a playfight. You giggle and try to dodge his blows. He grabs a nearby pillow in response, hitting your head with it. 

“Oww,” you whine, falling back on the bed. That, however, makes him roll his eyes.

“Such a drama queen.” 

Two years ago, Christmas Eve 

The warmth from the fireplace does absolutely nothing to make you feel warm. The hollowness in your chest feels bigger with all these festive decorations around, but thankfully, he’s still here.

“Listen, if you want me to fight that asshole you just need to say the word.” Jungkook pulls you to his chest, fixing the blanket you’re wrapped up with. You just shake your head and snuggle up to him. He only huffs, complaining, “Fine. Whatever. I’ll break his nose either way.” 

“He doesn’t even deserve that. I don’t want you to waste your time on him like me.” 

“Ooo, sick burn. That’s my girl.” He pats your back before checking the clock, sighing. “My family will come over soon though… Are you gonna stay here with me or go back to your apartment?” 

“I’ll go back to my apartment. And no, you’re not coming to drop me off. It’s literally a block away.” You detangle yourself from his embrace, folding the blanket neatly before fixing your sweater.

“I know you hate anything family related, but would it be really bad if you spend it with me?” He holds onto your hand, giving you those big, doe eyes. Another wave of sadness hits you and you look at your feet.

“I’m sorry Jungkook. I just… can’t. Plus, I promised my roommate that we’ll be having a movie marathon and loads of junk food. She hates Christmas too.” 

“We’ll still have our 3-hour call though, right? I’ll text you after midnight.” He stands up, hugging you tightly and dropping a kiss on your temple.

“Of course. That’s our tradition. There’s no way that we’re breaking it.” You smile, closing your eyes from the peace you feel. Jungkook always knows how to make you feel better, no matter how bad the situation is.

Back to present

At this moment, you realize just how much you hate yourself for not telling him before. Could it have ruined your friendship? Maybe, maybe not; it’s impossible to tell. But at least, that way you wouldn’t have to cry over him a week before he’s moving away. To another country where he has many more opportunities as a freestyle dancer.

You should be happy. For all these years, you’ve seen Jungkook working his ass off, doing what not to follow his dreams. Although a part of you is immensely proud of him, it’s shadowed by the part which seeks his presence near you forever, refusing to budge. 

As you’re completely lost in your thoughts, you fail to notice the tall figure standing a few feet away from where you are seated. Rustle of clothes and soft padding sounds of naked feet drift closer, breaking you out of your reverie.

“Gguk. You came.” 

It’s hard to recognize your own voice as it rings in your ears. So broken and nasally that it makes you cringe internally. Gosh, how much did you cry? 

Plopping down on the soft blanket you had laid out hours ago, Jungkook shakes his head with a snort. “Why are you so surprised? We literally live in neighboring buildings, and I own a spare key to your apartment.”

With an affirmative hum, you wiggle closer to him, desperate to feel his warmth. A strong, tattooed hand wraps around your shoulders automatically, pulling you closer as if on instinct. Once settled, both of you sigh in unison.

“You were crying again, weren’t you?” The question seems a bit accusatory, but there’s only worry laced in his voice. 

Your chest tightens, Jungkook knows you like the back of his hand and lying most certainly won’t work. That’s why you opt to choose silence, nuzzling his shoulder for a moment before resting your head on it. The musky scent of him engulfs you like a tight hug almost immediately.

Jungkook huffs out a breath, his left hand cupping your cheek. Your eyes meet his enticing ones, stealing air from your lungs and leaving you slightly breathless. He hesitates to break the fragile silence between the two of you for several moments before giving in. “I promised that we’ll keep in touch regularly and do facetime when needed, didn’t I? I know it’s hard for you, hell, it’s hard for me too, but it hurts so much to see you like this. Please, ____. Be strong for me?”

“I’m trying my best,” it’s almost inaudible, followed by a mumbled admission, “I can’t live without you. I don’t have anyone else.”

Jungkook reaches out wordlessly, taking the hold of your other hand and interlacing your fingers together. The comfortingly gentle warmth of his touch makes your heart flutter, an involuntary shiver running down your spine. You notice how your smaller hand fits perfectly in his large and slightly calloused one’s grasp.

Inhaling a shaky breath, you cast your eyes down in an attempt to hide the emotions that might be displaying on the blank canvas of your face.

He has no idea what he does to your poor heart, does he?

But then, Jungkook brings your hand up to his lips, your whole body alight with anticipation as he drops a chaste kiss on your knuckles. “We’ll be alright. I promise,” he whispers against your skin, offering a half-hearted smile.

You can feel the way you are slowly crumpling under the pressure of your own emotions. A part of you yearns to tell him everything right here, right now, but another part, which carries the fear of messing everything up is enough to make your heart stop beating. 

Being in love isn’t as easy as people make it look like, you think, struggling to hold back tears that fight to break out. 

“Excuse me for a second,” you manage to choke out while standing up, dashing towards the bathroom. You don’t know if he has followed you or not, but you quickly lock the door, turning the shower on to muffle any type of sounds from you.

On the other hand, Jungkook stands in front of the bathroom door silently. His heartbeat is so loud that one might say that it’s gonna beat out of his chest. He’s anxious, fuck, he’s scared. What if you do something stupid? He’ll never be able to forgive himself if something happens to you.

He knows you and how your mind works. He knows that you feel like a selfish piece of shit for wanting him to stay here with you. And he hates that. He hates it because even after knowing exactly what you’re going through, he can’t help. 

There’s a constant battle going on in Jungkook’s system — a battle between his heart and his brain. The logical side of him still wants to move away and follow his dreams. Why? Because what if you don’t reciprocate his feelings? What if he’s just a friend to you? Will he be able to continue living his life normally if that happens? Will you be willing to continue this friendship? 

But, the part of him that is blindly in love with you, that wants to be with you forever, begs him to stay here and never let you go. He can’t possibly breathe air properly without you by his side. Maybe he sounds like a fool, but he doesn’t care. He needs to make a decision, and he needs to do it soon.

++ 

Devastating sobs wreck your body, your knuckles going numb from the pressure on them. You clutch on the sink for dear life, struggling to breathe properly as you feel the world closing in on you. Your head hurts and it feels like every single cell in your body is screaming at you. Do something, do anything. Please.

With the last ounce of strength you have left, you turn off the shower. Your sweaty palms slip on the door lock. So, you wipe them in a towel, fumbling with the lock again. It takes a while but the door creaks, announcing its opening. 

Jungkook wastes no time to get you out of the confines of the bathroom. His heart breaks when he notices your state, body shaking, eyes red and clothes soaked. “Muffin…” he trails off, his own eyes tearing up.

“I– I want to tell you something. Before you leave this damsel in distress behind for good. Just promise that you won’t hate me.”

“You’re not a damsel in distress! Shut up! And you think I can hate you? Wow. I don’t even know what to say.” A few tears escape his eyes, and you reach out to brush them away with your thumb.

“Why are you crying?” 

“Are you kidding me right now? Do you know how fucking scared I was? I thought— I thought—”

“Shh.” You press your index finger against his lips. Jungkook stops breathing for a second, watching you come closer. His hands wrap themselves around your waist instinctively. Your chest is heaving, wet clothes uncomfortably sticking to your skin as you lean into his touch. You let your lips press against his neck, his arms tightening around your sides. “I love you, Jeon Jungkook. And before you be a dumb little boy and say that you love me too, ‘m gonna tell you that I don’t mean it in a friendly way. I’m in love with you. I want you to kiss me whenever you’re in need of intimacy, I want you to cuddle me to sleep at night, I want to go out on our dream dates and cook our meals together, I want to be yours. Body and soul.” 

When you’re done whispering your confession against the sensitive skin of his neck, you realize that he’s still holding his breath. “Say that again.” He clenches his jaw, his heart rate dangerously high. 

“I love you. I want to be yours. I want to do cute couple shit with you and make everyone jealous.” The next thing you know is that you’re pressed up against the nearby wall, hands pinned over your head. Jungkook looks at you like he’s looking at a newly found ____, his breathing uneven.

“I love you too. So fucking much. I’m gonna make you mine and give you the whole fucking universe because you fucking deserve it.” 

You lean in to press your lips against his, to which he eagerly complies. Although it starts off as a cautious and sweet kiss, it doesn’t take much time to turn heated and incredibly needy. Jungkook growls, sucking onto your lower lip before prying his tongue inside the hot welcoming pool of your mouth. You moan immediately, euphoria coursing through your veins when your tongues start fighting for dominance. He wins the battle soon enough, controlling the pace while his hands explore your body.

He takes his sweet time to explore your mouth as well as the sensitive spots all over your body. Discarding your clothes hastily to feel your skin against him, he rips off your bralette. But you don’t care. You too, follow his lead and pull away slightly so that you can remove the layers of clothing from his body. 

Jungkook has you entirely naked except the yin necklace in seconds, his muscular arms throwing you over his shoulder in a frenzy and carrying you to the bed. You whine as you still try to pull off his pants, and he chuckles. 

“You’re unreal, baby. Look at you, so beautiful,” he coos, looking at your splayed form on the bed. The more he looks, the more it makes you feel shy. You cross your legs and cover your chest with your hands, closing your eyes and whining again. “No, no. Don’t hide yourself. Let me see you, please. I’ve waited for so long, baby.” 

You feel the bed dipping, his weight joining you on the bed as he hovers over you. You feel his yang chain dangling in the air between you two. He gently pushes away your hands and legs, leaving you bare and vulnerable under him. “You’re so pretty, my pretty little babygirl.” Jungkook notices the yin pendant resting next to your head, a wide smile blooming on his face. “Oh. You’re wearing it too?” 

“We promised that we’ll always wear them,” you whisper, fluttering your eyes open. Two pools of honey look back at you fondly, leaning down while placing the yin pendant on your chest.

Click.

“Yin to my yang.” He nuzzles your nose before touching your foreheads together. You smile, pulling him in for another kiss.

Jungkook trails wet, open-mouthed kisses over your jaw, neck and collarbones. You moan when he finds a majorly sensitive area. He lets his right hand massage your breasts, breathy whimpers falling off of your lips. His mouth sucks on the nape of your neck, wetness gathering between your legs from his ministrations. 

“Oh, Gguk…” Threading fingers through his hair, you pull him even closer, desperately wanting him as close as humanly possible. The groan he lets out vibrates against your skin. He finds your lips once again, fingers pulling and pinching on your hardened nipples.

“Fuck, oh god,” you moan when Jungkook briefly licks on your stiffened peak, gauging your reaction before diving in. He presses your tits together, hungrily licking and sucking onto them while kneading the soft flesh. 

“So responsive, fucking hell.” He mutters under his breath, his eyes trained on your movements as you writhe under him from pleasure. Your fingers are still buried in the strands of his dark hair, pulling on them for dear life. He grunts and groans, grazing his teeth teasingly over your nipple.

“Oh my god!” your body shudders, a sudden release catching both of you off-guard as you cry and moan in pleasure. Jungkook watches you ride out the high lustfully, a guttural sound leaving his throat.

“Already? But I didn’t do anything yet, baby.” 

You try to catch your breath, stuttering a reply, “Sorry– ugh, ‘m sorry— I didn’t know that I–”

“It’s okay, I liked it. It was sexy,” he nudges his nose with yours, fingers running up and down your sides. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve been touched like this… I’m sorry.” 

“Shh.” Jungkook shushes you, unlocking the yin and yang and letting your locket slide back on the bed. “Want to taste you.” Giving you one last kiss on the mouth, he continues to press butterfly kisses on your skin, following the path between your breasts. He smiles when he feels your hand reaching to intertwine with his. He places random kisses all over your tummy, inching downwards until he’s finally facing your mound. 

“You’re glistening, baby, already so wet and ready.” He hums, parting your nether lips and admiring the slick flesh hiding under it. “Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long now,” Jungkook mutters, flattening his tongue against your core to lick a fat stripe.

“Gguk!” you whimper, thighs spreading further on its own accord. His nose briefly presses on the swollen nub as he provides you several kitten licks. 

“You taste so sweet. Like a muffin.” His voice is dangerously low, and it goes straight through your cunt. You shiver and mewl. If he doesn’t pick up speed, you might just lose your mind.

Thankfully, he himself is losing his patience. Jungkook enters your dripping cunt with his tongue. A groan escapes him when he feels your gummy muscles squeezing him appreciatively. 

He grunts, pushing harder and deeper, your essence filling his mouth. Your toes curl, and he softly brushes his thumb on your clit. You moan loudly, hips bucking up. As you try to move with him, tongue delving in and out, he thumbs your clit and rolls it in tight circles.

Your back arches, effectively pushing your pussy more into his face. Jungkook groans at the feeling. Your whimpers paired up with the sound of him eating you out bounces off the bedroom walls. 

Your hand tightens its hold on his hand, the spare one balling into a fist. He softly plucks his tongue out, eagerly licking you like you’re water and he’s been thirsty for a long while now. He leaves the warmth of your cunt to wrap his lips around your clit, sucking and grazing his teeth on it.

“Fuck!”

You pull on the bed sheets, and he gives your clit a soft bite. Before you can comprehend anything else, two of his fingers slide inside you. It’s a rather tight fit, but he’s not bothered.

“I’m gonna stretch you out so well, baby.” Jungkook purrs, starting to move his fingers in and out of you. The first few thrusts have your knees buckling even though you’re lying down. He somehow manages to brush most of the sweet spots inside you, a string of incoherent words leaving you.

“That’s right, it feels amazing, doesn’t it, babygirl? You feel so good around my fingers.” He increases his pace to see how you react, and he’s blessed with a needy whimper that has his dick throbbing in the confines of his boxers. 

“Please…” you close your eyes, craving more. You can feel his lips curling up against your skin.

“Please what? You have to be more specific,” Jungkook hums, teasingly running his tongue over your slit while his fingers halt inside you. You whine out of frustration, trying to move but his iron grip on your hips stops you from doing so.

“I need more. Please, Gguk… Oh—” He curls his fingers inside you, starting to move them again. His mouth latches back on your clit, coaxing a moan out of you. He scissors his digits in your cunt and you gasp. “I’m– I’m gonna come!” you cry out, head lolling back.

“Then do it. Cream my fingers like a good girl.” Jungkook grunts, adding a third finger inside your wet heat. The feeling has you screaming his name, eyes flying shut. “Look at you. Making such a mess and I haven’t put my dick in yet. Can you hear how fucking wet you are?”

You let out a wanton moan, your inner walls squeezing his digits as the squelching sound seemingly increases. He curses under his breath, suckling on your clit and keeping up the ruthless pace of his fingers. You shudder and writhe, his name falling off your lips like a prayer. Dangerously close to your release, you feel the pleasure coil inside your stomach tightening.

“Holy fuck!” Jungkook rests his forehead against your lower belly. Your cunt clamps down on his digits, heartbeat going crazy as you reach your peak without any warning. Chest heaving, you try to catch your breath.

“Look at me, ____.” 

You struggle to open your eyes, but eventually, you manage to meet his gaze. A whine escapes you when you see his chin glistening under the soft light of your bedroom. Adding more to your devastation, Jungkook extracts his fingers from your core, immediately putting them inside his mouth. 

“Gguk,” you whine, averting your eyes. He climbs back up on you, tapping on your lips with his index finger. 

When you look at him confusedly, he murmurs, “Open up.” Your cheeks heat up from embarrassment, realizing the reason behind his actions. You bite down on your lower lip, taking a deep breath before you finally part your lips eagerly. 

“Mmh!” you flutter your eyelashes at Jungkook and start sucking on his digits, the scene making his cock twitch inside his underwear. Tongue gliding across his fingers sensually, you let out several moans and whimpers, making him groan out of frustration.

“Stop giving me those eyes, baby, I won’t be able to control myself.” He grunts, removing his fingers from your mouth. He gets rid of his pants immediately. You gulp, noticing the massive bulge between his legs. Inhaling a shaky breath, you let your eyes take in the glory of his thighs, your pussy clenching around nothing.

“Like what you see?” Jungkook smirks, lips finding yours in a heated kiss. You cry out, holding onto his tattooed forearm for dear life. He grunts when he feels your wetness rubbing against his clothed cock. “So impatient.” His mouth catches your earlobe, his own hips starting to move against yours.

“Gguk… please, I need you in me.” Your voice is barely a whisper. With an impatient growl, Jungkook pulls down his boxers, his hardened cock springing out and slapping against your stomach.

A whine escapes you at the sight of his veiny, huge member. You rub your thighs together, watching the precum dribbling down on your tummy. He notices how flustered you’ve become, a chuckle rumbling in his throat. “I will ruin you babygirl, gonna fuck that innocence out of you.”

“Yes, fuck me!” You are straight up desperate at this point, cunt aching to feel him inside you. Jungkook huffs, suddenly remembering that he doesn’t have any protection with him. 

“Baby… I don’t have a condom.” His lips form into a pout, and you wonder how he can be so cute and sexy at the same time. 

“I’m on birth control.” Your reply is quick, legs wrapping around his waist to pull him closer.

“Fuck! You want me to go raw?” 

“Yep. Want to feel you.” Jungkook doesn’t waste another second, his hand gripping on his length to slide it along your wet slit. You let out another cry, eyes snapping shut. “Please don’t tease me, I can’t.” 

“Shh,” He shushes you, and soon enough, you feel the blunt, velvety head of his cock poking at your entrance.

“Oh my god!” A scream escapes you when he starts pushing in, his forehead resting in the crook of your neck as he waits for you to adjust. His girth stretches you out much more than you’ve experienced before. You writhe and whimper, feeling like it’s your first time all over again. A few tears wet your cheeks and Jungkook hurries to dry them.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. Relax, baby,” he murmurs against your skin, slowly sinking all the way in. “Let me know when you feel ready, okay?” He presses a kiss on your knuckles, threading your fingers together.

It takes you a while, but you eventually manage to adjust to the foreign feeling. Jungkook hisses when he feels your hips trying to rock against his. “Can I move now?” 

“Yes! Fuck,” your voice is heavy with need which makes him groan. He grips onto your hips, starting to pull away. Just when you’re thinking that he’s gonna pull out entirely, he slams back inside, eliciting a high-pitched moan from you.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I’m so sorry, I don’t think that I can be gentle right now.” 

“Ahh– it’s– it’s okay, I like it rough.” 

“Good god.” Jungkook growls, hips slapping against yours rhythmically. You take a hold of his right hand, trying to wrap it against your throat. “Fucking hell. Is that what you want me to do to your cute body? Fuck! Such crude actions from an angel like you.” He gently grips on your throat, applying minimal pressure that has your head spinning. 

“Jungkook!” Your scream is muffled by the sound of his cock pounding into you. His eyes stay fixed on your breasts, that jiggle with each thrust of his length. 

He laughs breathlessly into your hair when you tense around his cock, his thrusts hitting your cervix, deeper than before. It doesn’t take long for the pressure to coil low in your body, your skin tingling with warmth.

“Gguk—”

You don’t manage another word, but you don’t really need to. Jungkook slips a hand between your legs, finding your clit with unerring accuracy and rubbing it in tight circles. You scream his name, writhing as the waves of bliss roll over you. Through the haze you notice that he is still inside your cunt, hard and throbbing. He kisses you fervently, hissing when he takes in your debauched state. 

“I’m not done with you yet,” he mutters, dropping his forehead to yours and ramming his cock into your pussy. You curl your arms around his shoulders, mesmerized by his darkened eyes and the way they are focused on you. He keeps his movements rough, but there is a new, fragile intimacy between you two.

You glue your mouth over his, your breaths mingling as you taste each other. Jungkook moans when you buck your hips, meeting him halfway and grinding your clit over his pelvis. His hold on your legs tightens and you know that he is close.

“____– fuck, babygirl, I’m going to come so hard.”

You rake your nails through his fluffy hair, nodding frantically. “I’m all yours,” you whisper, voice breaking. He gives a few more hard thrusts and shudders, reaching his orgasm with a low groan and coating your walls with his thick, milky load. The feeling sets you off as well and you bury your face in his chest, whimpering with each spurt and twitch.

Blood pounds in your ears as you stroke the length of his back, your cheek resting on his racing heart. Over stimulation makes you feel a bit dizzy, soft whines leaving your parted lips. Jungkook caresses your thighs and nuzzles your locks, panting slightly. It takes a few moments for both of you to shake off the high – you raise your head first and look up at him. His eyes are warm, expression content.

“Please tell me that I’m not dreaming,” He mumbles, cradling your body in his arms. 

Your eyes soften at his words, and you kiss his temple, reassuring, “You’re not, Gguk. This is very much real. We are together.” 

“Let me take you out on a date tomorrow.” Jungkook presses a lingering kiss on your chest. “And the day after tomorrow.” Another kiss. “And the day after that too.” Another kiss.

“Sure… I’d love to go out on dates with you.” You manage a smile, his warm breath fanning over your neck. Before you know, your eyes tear up, a sob tearing itself from your throat.

“Oh my god— what happened?! Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” 

You shake your head violently, taking his right hand and kissing his body art. “We only have six days left together… Isn’t it so tragic?” 

Jungkook frowns immediately, remembering that he’s supposed to leave for another country within a week. His heart breaks, arms clutching on your body tighter. “Baby…” 

“I’d ask you to not leave but that’s extremely selfish.” 

“No no, it’s selfish at all, sweetheart. I promise to have a long, hard thought about this. I– I don’t want to leave either. How am I supposed to survive all alone, now that I finally have you?” 

“Gguk… you don’t have to–” 

“Shh, let’s not think about it right now. Just… I love you so much, muffin. You’re my world.” 

“And you’re my universe, Jungkook. I love you too.” Your eyes glisten with unshed tears, his brown orbs looking back at you fondly.

You don’t know what the future has in store for you, but you do know that he is in it. That is everything you’d ever want.

˗ˏˋ꒰ 💌 end notes ꒱

aaaa congratulations for making it to the end! thank you so much for reading, lovely! this is actually a repost from my old blog, but i don't think anyone remembers 😅! sorry for any mistakes left in there! and of course, i hope you enjoyed reading it! ❤️‍🩹

reblogs and comments are extremely appreciated! it helps a lot to keep writers like me motivated🌷✨; and you can also send feedback through asks if you’d prefer that <33

happy holidays once again, i’m hoping to come back with new content soon!

[glamorizingchaos]

Summer Rains Part 5:

Beauty In The Rain

Javier Peña x F!Reader

Word Count: 6.7k

Rating: M (To be safe 18+)

Warnings: Angst, swearing, pining, smoking, kissing, groping, implications of sex, pregnancy mention, genuine human emotions, probably OOC for Javier... whoops. No beta, just yeeted into the void. any typos. Let me know if I have missed any!

Summary: Javier finally decides what he wants his future to be and Chucho wins Grandpa of the year. Reference for the necklace that is mentioned. The Poem included in the epilogue is by Raymond Garfield Dandridge. Who's poem brought me peace when life was not.

A/N: This is a really bittersweet moment. I again apologize for how long it has taken me to finish this story. Life was overwhelming and I was trying to push myself into writing smut because I know it's popular. So I hit a wall because I was trying to force something out of myself that I didn't really want to write and personally didn't add much to the story. So I took the pressure off of myself. There is no smut in here just implications and allusions to it. It is not something I am just yet comfortable writing, but maybe someday. I also spent WAY TOO LONG obsessing over the timeline and trying to get everything to make sense. I am fairly certain some new grey hairs appeared on my head because of it. I gave up. I did my best. I am not perfect and this is a hobby. I have loved every second of writing this ending and I hope you like it too. Thank you so much for sticking with me and for your patience as I lose my marbles again and again. I have so many people I want to thank and dedicate this to. So many people who without them, I probably never would have posted this story or continued writing it. I hope they know who they are and how much they have meant to me. If you have ever left a like, a comment, a reblog, or sent me a message please know how much that means to me. I hope you never hit a red light and that your pillow is always cold at night. You are angels and the world is so much better with you in it. If you got this far you are a gem. I hope to write more on this blog in the future but I am done trying to force myself into a schedule. I want this to be a fun creative outlet not another obligation for me. Thank you for reading and without further ado, our two idiots need a happy ending.

Masterlist Previous Part

Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated! I’d love to hear feedback!

The card slips from your fingers and falls to the counter, forgotten. 

The next morning you wake to the sun shining through a sliver in your curtains. Weird… usually I get waken up by a hungry infant demanding a boob. As soon as the thought crosses your mind you glance over at the crib to the right of the bed. It’s empty. Your nose scrunches in confusion but then the light banging of pots and pans echoing from the kitchen catches your attention. 

You slip on your slippers and slowly pad your way to the kitchen. Your limbs still heavy with sleep. You find Chucho dressed and ready in his Sunday best for church as he makes breakfast. Sofia sitting in the high chair babbling away with her grandpa. He softly whistles an old ballad to her as he warms up a bottle. You mumble a greeting to Chucho and he tosses a cheery good morning back. You sweep your hand across Sofia’s forehead pushing the soft brown curls out of the way as you lean down to kiss her. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” You question Chucho as you make your way over to the cabinet to make yourself some tea. 

“You were tired and there are bottles out here. I wanted you to rest.” Chucho replies simply with a light pat on your cheek. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I mean why else did you pump if not for this reason? Plus he was right, you were exhausted. Sofia had a rough night again. Gotta love sleep regression. Your guess was all the change in her routines. She needed normalcy and stability, and honestly? So did you. 

Once the bottle was ready for Sofia, Chucho swoops the baby girl up in his arms to feed her. A soft smile blooms across your face at how sweet Chucho is with Sofia. He has a way with her. She rarely cries when he is around and he has quickly become her favorite person. Your baby girl has Chucho completely wrapped around her finger. This is all you ever wanted for your daughter, Sunday morning breakfasts and a family that is bursting with love. Lost in thought, the creak of a floorboard draws your attention to the doorway. Javier had paused before entering the kitchen, the bags under his eyes were dark and he still had yesterday’s clothes on. Your eyes meet his weary dark orbs, and his frown deepens as he looks back, almost studying you. You shifted under his gaze like a bug under a microscope.

A wave of annoyance begins to build in the pit of your stomach. Javier has no right to judge you when you did nothing wrong in the first place. You straighten your back and cool your expression into one of annoyed indifference. He quickly looks away from you as if your gaze burned him. He makes his way into the room and pats his dad on the shoulder in greeting as he swipes a mug for his coffee. 

“You look awful mijo.” Chucho was never one to pull a punch. 

“Gee, thanks Pop.” Javier’s voice was devoid of any emotion as he slumped on the counter with his chin pressed to his chest. Javier really did look a mess and he looked pale. You felt the familiar pinprick of tears start to burn your eyes, everything that led you both down this path started with your lie. You want to be furious at him; to yell, scream, smash something, but you can’t move. You are frozen as the quiet guilt rages a war in your brain. You blink and try to will away the traitorous tears threatening to spill and notice Chucho staring at you with a wary gaze. You quickly excuse yourself mumbling about taking a shower. Anything to escape, to give you time to think. 

-

Chucho inhales deeply as he watches you practically sprint out of the kitchen. He turns to his son, brooding and quietly sipping his coffee with his eyes closed. Chucho looks down at Sofia’s milk-drunk, blissed-out expression and slowly walks over to set her down in the pack n’ play set up in the corner of the kitchen. It used to be in the living room but Sofia got fussy when she couldn’t see Chucho cook. 

“You know one day you are gonna push people too far and they won’t keep coming back for more.” Chucho stares counting Sofia’s soft breaths as he addresses Javier. 

Javier slowly opens his eyes as his jaw rocks. “I know.” 

Chucho turns and points down the hall towards where you are, “That woman is at her breaking point. And look at you! Pale and smelling like a chimney. I cannot sit here and watch the two of you destroy each other. Either figure out what you want and fight for it or just stop and let her go.” Chucho’s tone was severe as he verbally lashed his son. 

“Pops I-” Javier’s throat was dry and his voice cracked pitifully. 

“No. I am taking Sofia to Church. You-” He stabs his pointer finger into Javier’s chest “Are going to talk to her. You are letting your happiness slip away from you. No one is taking it away.” Chucho reaches into his pocket and presses the small black card you left on the counter into Javier’s free hand. “If this is enough to sway you then you are far stupider than I thought you were.” 

The card feels cold in Javier’s hand. His dark eyes stare unblinkingly at it. Not even looking up when Chucho leaves the room with Sofia in tow. He turns the thin piece of paper over and over between his fingers. How could he have let something so small, so meaningless burrow under his skin? He knows his father is right. He has to stop letting this fear and insecurity control him and make him lash out at you. He needs to make a choice and he needs to make it now. 

“Oh, did Chucho leave?” Your voice, soft and missing its usual melodic tone, tears Javier’s eyes away from the card. There you are standing in the hallway hair still damp from your shower but loosely braided to the side. You have your favorite navy blue linen overalls on, the ones you like to wear to clean around the house. You are a vision of domestic bliss. But he can see the weariness in your eyes. The hollowness that lingers in them now. 

Javier clears his throat roughly, shoving the card into his pocket. He has no idea how long he has been standing staring at it. “Uh yeah, he took Sofia to church with him.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Your voice is void of emotion or any of your usual lightness. Javier feels stiff and awkward like his limbs are full of sand and he doesn’t know how to be around you anymore.  

You turn to walk away from him and Javier starts panicking. Is it too late? Has he pushed you too far? 

Before he can talk himself out of it, Javier blurts out the one question he should have asked the day you arrived in Texas. “Can we talk for a second?” 

-

The silence was deafening. You stopped mid-step towards your bedroom and did a half-turn back to him. Your brows furrowed as you studied the man before you. The Javier that stood before you now was not the same Javier you left behind in Colombia. So many things have changed, for both of you. The wrinkles around his eyes have grown more prominent and the gray in his hair is more noticeable.  He still stands with his hands on his hips and hunched shoulders, always carrying the weight of the world on his back. But it was something in his eyes, those piercing eyes that once glowed like embers lost that spark and fire, that once spoke to you. Javier’s dark orbs transfixed you, their darkness overwhelming but there was a sadness to them now. A haunting darkness in them that goes deeper than you knew. 

“Sure” You held his stare for a moment, trying to maintain a calm demeanor. His eyes widened as if he assumed you’d refuse his request. 

Javier quickly shook the surprise from his face and schooled his expression back to its normal frown. He motioned towards the porch and opened the front door for you. You slowly lowered yourself into the nearest rocking chair as Javier leaned on the railing across from you. The crack of the front door shutting echo across the ranch. Javier cleared his throat as he flexed his hands on the railing and stared at a crack in the porch floor. He would kill for a cigarette. Or a bottle of whiskey. 

“So, um, what did you want to talk about Javier?” You never used to call him Javier so much. Only when you pretended to be angry at him or when you were teasing him. It used to be fun, hearing you huff it out between laughs or moan it in his ear. Now his name on your lips is a reminder of the mess everything has turned into. Of all the mistakes he’s made. Of the lies, he’s told. All the reasons you left him. All the reasons that he hates himself. No wonder you left and maybe you should again. Maybe that is what’s best. 

–

 “Javier?” You calling his name a second time caught his attention and his eyes finally met yours briefly before looking away again. 

“Right. Yeah. I wanted to discuss your plans.” Javier’s hand scrubbed the back of his neck as he avoided your gaze.

“My plans?” You schooled your face into the picture of neutrality. 

Javier huffed in frustration, “Yes. Your plans. Shit, you know what I am trying to say here.” 

A cold fire lit behind your eyes, a predator eying their prey as they narrowed. “No Javier I don’t. I don’t know what I am doing here. I thought I did, for a moment I thought I knew what you wanted. Now? I am lost. You want to know my plan? I don’t have one. Not since you showed up in Miami and turned my whole life upside down.” You released a heavy breath trying to calm that fire that sparked in your veins. 

Javier’s eyes flashed with anger and he set his jaw before he continued pressing, “I know that everything has not been the easiest lately, that I have not been the easiest to deal with-” 

You scoff and wrap your arms around yourself. “Because everything was always so perfect between us.” 

That struck a chord with Javier. He made mistakes. Tons of them even; but he always did what he thought would protect you. To keep you hidden from his world, from him, and the darkness that followed. He nearly growled his response,  “I did what I had to do to keep you away from all that shit. To protect you.” 

“Protecting me? Is that what lying to me about sleeping with your informants, all while you were fucking me is? Pretty sure that is exactly the opposite of protection Peña.”

Javier’s eyes turned cold and his next words cut you like a knife, “Well, I didn’t fucking leave without a damn word and hide a child from you.” 

“You didn’t exactly give me any reason to stay. I was just a casual fuck to you and we both know if I hadn’t left, you would have.” You internally curse yourself for the tears brimming your eyes. You hate that after everything he still has this power over you, over your emotions. 

Javier's whole body goes stiff, his voice is quiet barely audible above the sound of the ranch. “Is that really what you think of me?” 

You lock eyes with his. Your anger quickly begins to dissipate the minute you see the pain in his eyes. “I-” You start but stop yourself. 

Javier shakes his head as if he can shake the heartbreak away, “No. I don’t want to fight with you. This isn’t coming out right. I didn’t mean to..” But his voice trails off. He is desperately trying to find the words to tell you all the feelings and emotions that have been storming around in his head since the day you left. 

It is a minute before either of you speaks. “I didn’t sleep with my informant that night. The one before you left.” 

“What?” Your voice is barely a whisper over the frantic beating of your heart thumping in your ears.

“I hadn’t slept with any of them for a while. People just assumed and I never corrected them. I-I didn’t want to. I couldn’t admit to them or myself that you meant more to me than I let on. That you still do. I am sorry that I fucked up so much back then. That I pushed you away and made you feel that I would rather you run away than tell me you were pregnant. I am so sorry.” The tears in Javier’s eyes were clear as day. 

“Javier” You slide out of the chair and stood behind him. Before thinking you reached your hand out and touched his shoulder.  “No. I am sorry. What I did was unforgivable. I knew how much you did to protect me and I left like that knowing it would scare you. But in that moment, all I wanted was for you to hurt as much as I did. I was stupid and angry. What I did was selfish and cowardly, even if I thought I was protecting Sofia. I should have stayed and fought for this. How can you ever forgive me?” 

“I did the moment I saw you with Sofia.” Javier’s hands find their way to your cheeks and he wipes away the tears streaming down them.

“Where do we go from here?” Your hand finds its way to his cheek as you look at Javier. 

He rests his forehead on yours, “I don’t know.” He slowly leans in and brushes his lips against yours. Giving you every opportunity to push him away. But you don’t. Your arms wrap around his neck and pull him as close to you as possible, needing the grounding force of his body against yours. 

Javier’s hands move to your neck, your waist, your hair, and back to your face. His scent surrounds you. He pours every ounce of emotion within him into this kiss. He pulls you flush against his chest and a whimper falls from your mouth. It only urges him on and he deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue against your bottom lip. Begging you to let him in, to let him taste you again. 

You immediately give in to him. To the feelings coursing between the two of you. You reach up and pull his hair and a deep growl reverberates from Javier’s chest. His hands slide their way to your hips, then to your ass and he squeezes. It’s as if he thinks if he lets go of you, this would have all been a dream. His movements are hurried and needy. He is desperate for more of you. 

You finally pull away to breathe but Javier just continues kissing down your jaw to your neck. He finds your ear lobe and sucks it into his mouth and pulls. Scraping his teeth on the delicate flesh. “Let’s go inside.” He whispers into your ear but you are jello in his arms. Hardly able to think straight. He slowly starts walking you backwards into the house. As you cross the threshold into the front hall your hands grip his jacket, trying desperately to tear it off him. Javier drags his mouth away from your neck long enough to rip his jacket and shirt off before descending onto your lips again. 

This time as he crashes his lips to yours he grabs a handful of your ass and yanks you into him, his leg falling between yours. You let out a sharp gasp which he takes quick advantage of and pushes his tongue into your mouth. It's clumsy and frantic how the two of you grip each other. Trying to get as close as humanly possible. Your back slams into the nearest wall as you reach for the belt loops in Javi’s jeans and drag him impossibly close to you. As he is pressed against you Javi lets a deep groan loose as he drags his teeth down your throat, nibbling and sucking on the sensitive skin, leaving marks as he goes.

You are drowning in him. The sensation of his body pressed against yours, his hands digging into your ass, your thighs, tugging on your hair. The feeling of his lips on yours after so long without him. It's all too overwhelming, this is all you have been thinking about since the day he burst back into your life. Javier pulls away from your neck and brings his hands to the sides of your face. 

“Wait, wait… Is this okay?” His voice is gravelly and lower than usual. His deep brown eyes are burning into yours. You want to laugh. Of course, this is more than okay, this is all you crave anymore. Javier. He consumes every waking thought and he invades your dreams. He is the biggest nuisance and he is everything you have wanted. 

“No.” The minute the word leaves your mouth Javier shifts to move away from you but you stop him by grabbing his belt and pulling him back in. “No this is not okay. This is perfect.” 

The two of you fall back into a familiar dance; your bodies fitting together perfectly, like two harmonies coming together in perfect time. Javier knows exactly which strings to pluck to make you sing, he has every curve, dimple, scar, and stretch mark memorized. As you lay back trying to regulate your heartbeat, you find Javier tracing the new marks on your stomach; gifts from the beautiful daughter you both brought into this world. He lightly runs his fingertips up and down, side to side. Silently adding them to his memory of you. He every so often presses soft kisses on your hairline. After a few silent moments, his eyes finally meet yours, a small smile decorating his face. You reach up and trace the lines at the corners of his eyes. You both have changed so much but at this moment, here, it suddenly feels like no time has passed between the two of you. You are back at his apartment in Colombia with a cool breeze blowing through the window carrying the smell of the Arepa shop down the street.

Javier’s hand paused in its path, “I know we have so much yet to figure out-” 

“Please let's not do this now.” You begged him not wanting to ruin this perfect moment. 

“Will you ever just let me finish a sentence?” Javier sits up to look down at your face, a playful glint in his chocolate eyes. 

You lean up and place a chaste peck on his lips, “Nope.”  and try to turn away from him.

“You are gonna want me to finish this one.” Javier takes the chance to playfully pinch your sides and laughs as you yelp and try to squirm away from him. “I know we have a lot to talk about and figure out. But I want you to know that I am all in. I want to build a life with you and our daughter, I want a house and a dog and the fucking white picket fence. I want it all. But I want it with you. I love you. Te Amo mi alma. Tienes todo mi corazón y siempre lo tendrás.” 

You stared wide-eyed up at him, completely frozen in place. Javier starts to panic. He pushed you for more than what you were ready for. He said too much too fast. Javier Peña, ever the fucking moron. Why can’t he ever keep his fucking mouth shut? Should he take it back? No that would be so much worse. Javier was so lost in the spiral of self-doubt and intrusive thoughts that he didn’t even notice the tears beginning to overflow out of your eyes or the way that your hand was squeezing his. When you reached up and held his cheeks in your hands he was finally able to silence his thoughts. 

“You are everything I have ever wanted and I promise you I will work every day to show you how much I love you and to make up for all the time we lost because I was stupid and scared. You, Javier Peña, are the most frustrating man on the planet. You are stubborn and pig-headed and you make me want to scream half the time. But you are also the most generous, kind-hearted, and selfless man I have ever met. You gave me a daughter and I cannot thank you enough for that gift. I love you with my whole heart and I cannot wait to build a future with you.” 

“You scared me there for a second Hermosa. I thought I had lost you there.” Javier quickly wipes a traitorous tear than escaped his eye. “And you have nothing to make up for mi amor.” 

“Yes. I do. I am not going anywhere. I am all in.” 

Javier leans down and places another soft kiss along your hairline before sitting up and stretching his arms above his head. He slowly stands as you lean your head back and close your eyes, taking in the moment. You hear him rifling through his pants on the floor by the bed, his belt buckle jingling and then softly thumping on the ground. 

“Dammit” Javier huffs under his breath and snatches his briefs from the scattered pile of clothes around the floor. 

“What's wrong?” You keep your eyes closed starting to feel the tug of sleep starting to drag you under. 

“My cigarettes are in my jacket pocket. I’ll be right back.” 

-

Javier closes the door lightly, knowing that you are starting to fall asleep and not wanting to disturb you. He follows the trail of clothes from his bedroom to the hallway until he finds his jacket tossed on top of Sofia’s stroller. He begins digging through the pockets for his pack of cigarettes.

“¿Buscas estos?” Javier turns and sees Chucho leaning in the doorway, the red carton of cigarettes dangling in his hand. “Las cosas salieron bien, ya veo?” 

Chucho smirked as he gestured to the random pieces of clothing and shoes tossed around the hallway leading to Javier’s room. Javier cleared his throat awkwardly and snatched the cigarettes out of his dad’s hand. He slides one out and Chucho pulls a lighter out from his back pocket and tosses it to Javier. The cigarette glowed a vibrant orange as Javier lit it and took a long drag before tossing the lighter back to Chucho. 

“Uh, sí. Sí, lo hicieron.” Javier returned his father’s smirk with a goofy grin. “Realmente bien. ¿Dónde está Sofía?”

“Dormido. Ni siquiera llegó a comulgar antes de desmayarse.” Chucho turned to walk back into the living room as Javier let the cigarette dangle from his mouth and started collecting the miscellaneous clothing strewn about. 

“Recuerda usar protección esta vez. No tenemos lugar para más sorpresas.” Chucho called from the living room. Javier rolled his eyes and made his way back to his room. Back to where you were waiting for him. 

Things weren’t perfect. They never would be; you two aren’t exactly saints. But the sight that lay before him in his room reminded him that doesn’t matter. You were curled up in a ball in the middle of his bed with blankets scattered around and halfway on the floor and he could hear your soft snores fill the air. He pulled the blankets around you and contorted himself to fit next to you. He leaned back on the headboard and stared down at your sleeping form silently through the haze and smoke. He could hear Chucho as he moved about in the kitchen. The clangs of pots and pans combined with the soft rhythm of your slow breaths and soft snores. For the first time in a very long time, Javier felt completely at peace. He knew that he would rather fight with you than live another day without you. He knew in that moment that Sofia was the greatest gift to have ever happened to him; that you gave him that gift. He knew that from this day on he will fight, claw, and bleed for the two of you. His little family. Los Amores de su Vida.

- 

2 years later

“This stupid fucking thing” with a deep sigh of exasperation Javier rips the bow tie out from the collar of his dress shirt and tosses it on the floor. 

“Why the hell did you even buy the fucking thing. You barely button your shirt most days.” Steve hands Javier a glass of whiskey. “Drink and chill the hell out.” 

Javier downs the amber liquid in one go, shoving the glass back into Steve’s waiting hand. “Forgive me for trying to look respectable on my fucking wedding day pendejo.” Javier swiftly unbuttoned the top two buttons and slid on his suit jacket. He stood adjusting and readjusting in the mirror for what felt like an eternity. Everything had to be perfect. You deserved perfect and he will make it happen if it kills him. 

Chucho popped his head through the door, “Es hora Mijo.” Javier took a deep, shaky breath and turned to face his father. Chucho smiled and grabbed his son by the sides of his face and pressed his forehead against Javier’s, closing his eyes for a moment, “Estoy tan orgulloso de ti.” Chucho Leaned back and Javier could see tears brimming in his father’s eyes. 

“Gracias Papá.” Javier smiled back at Chucho as he smoothed his sweaty palms on his pants. 

Chucho glanced at Steve, “Well then, let’s get this show on the road. Vamos.” 

-

Your knuckles were completely white from the death grip you had your bouquet under. Connie had just made her way down the aisle with Sofia as the flower girl, awkwardly toddling in front of her. If her performance at the rehearsal told you anything, she dumped the entire basket of petals immediately over her head. But you don’t care about any of that. You only care that you are marrying the love of your life and the father of your child. The past few months haven’t been easy, you are marrying Javier Peña after all, the man is a well-documented hot head, and frankly, you are no better. The two of you have fought tooth and nail to be together and to build a life, a future. 

Of course, nothing ever came easy for the two of you. Soon after you two made up, Javier decided to finally tell you he had to go back to Colombia. Oh, you were angry, for sure. Javier had to sleep in Sofia’s room for a couple of days before you had calmed down enough to talk to him. No matter how angry you were that he didn’t tell you, you knew Javier. He would never be able to rest until the Cali cartel was finished. He never got over being sent home for working with Los Pepes. He had unfinished business and even though you hated the idea, he went to Colombia while you and Sofia stayed in Texas. It was hard. He called. You sent care packages with drawings of Sofia and pictures. It didn’t change the milestones he missed. He did get leave for her first birthday, but it was never going to be long enough. 

When you finally heard the familiar crackle of Javier’s truck on the gravel driveway you felt like your heart was going to burst out of your chest. Like you were finally able to take a full breath of air for the first time since the day he left. You had been in the kitchen all morning with Chucho making a welcome lunch. You were covered in flour and didn’t even take your apron off before sprinting outside. You flung the porch door open just as Javier was racing up the stops and launched yourself into his arms, nearly toppling him to the ground. There were tears and kisses and whispers of “I love yous” and “I missed yous” and “you are not leaving again.” 

The two of you eventually, begrudgingly, untangled yourselves and Chucho brought a just woken up Sofia to the door. Javier immediately swooped her into his arms and rocked her against his chest. He was able to keep his cool with you but the minute his baby girl was finally in his arms again, he lost all composure and tears began to fall from his eyes. Javier took Sofia into the yard so he could try and get her to walk for him. You plopped down on the porch steps watching them play and babble back and forth. You could watch them for hours.

“Sofia, okay baby girl, walk to Mama. Go find Mama.” Javier walked behind her ready to catch her if she tumbled backward. Though she was walking on her own now, she was still unsteady and fell often and fell hard. 

“C’mon baby girl. Come to mommy!” You reached out your arms as Sofia giggled and wobbled her way towards you with Javier in tow. Her stumpy little legs stopped right in front of your lap and you reached for her hands to steady her. As you grabbed her hands, she was holding something in them. She’s been hoarding rocks lately and you reach to grab it only to find that this rock wasn’t in fact a rock at all. It was a small box. “Javier, what is this?” 

Javier was kneeling in front of you with his hand on Sofia’s back, “Something I should have done a long time ago.” 

Now here you are almost 6 months later and you are waiting to walk down the aisle in front of all of your friends and family. 

“Are you ready Mija?” Chucho grabbed your hand and placed it in the crook of his arm. 

“More than ready.” 

-

The whole day was a blur. It was full of tears and laughter and pure joy. Now as you sit with Javier on the porch swing gazing at the stars with your head in his lap as he runs his fingers down your back you feel completely at peace, at home. 

“I know we said no gifts.” Javier paused his movements as you sat up. 

“Javier, you promised.” 

“I know but, I couldn’t help myself.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a long slender, black velvet box. “Open it.” 

“This is not fair. I don’t have anything for you!” You opened the lid and the tears were almost immediate. Javier may be the grumpiest man alive but he is also the sweetest. Javier bought you a beautiful silver necklace with three gemstones in a line. “Oh Javier, it's beautiful.” 

“It's each of our birthstones. Mine, yours, and Sofia’s. I just, I don’t know, thought it would be nice. To have something of our family for you to wear” 

“That's so sweet Javi.” You trace the stones with your fingertips, “It’s just that, uhm…” 

“What? What’s wrong? Is it the setting? We can change it. We can return it if you don’t like it Hermosa. What is it?” Javier immediately went into fixer mode. He always took it upon himself to fix any problem you had, even the imaginary ones. 

“NO. No. Javier, I love it! It’s just that, well, we are going to need to add a stone, that's all.” You looked up at Javier trying to hold back your smile and the tears. Jesus Christ, you didn’t know you had any more tears left.

Javier’s eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to figure out just exactly what you said. He looked at the necklace then back at you and it dawned on him. “What? Wait. Are you serious?” He reached for your hands as a jubilant smile flickered across his face. 

“Yes. I found out last month.” He couldn’t contain his excitement as dragged you into his arms and kissed your head, your cheek, your nose, your neck. You couldn’t help but giggle at his excitement. “I wanted it to be a surprise.” 

“But…but you were drinking? You had champagne and…and cocktails at dinner.” Javier’s words were rushed. His hands were rubbing up and down your arms, it seemed to be soothing him more than it was you. 

“Connie had the bartender make mocktails and give me sparkling cider.” You reached up and wiped the tears off of his cheek.

“We are having a baby?” Javier’s wide dark mahogany eyes pierced yours. The tears already threatening to overflow.

You wrapped your arms around his neck as he pulled you into his lap, “We are having a baby.” 

-

Epilogue

Texas thunderstorms are a loud boisterous beast. The rumble of thunder shook the whole house and the cracks of lightning lit up the entire yard. The rain had been nonstop for the last couple of days. So much so that construction on yours Javier’s new home was put on hold until the weather subsided. 

It was no worry though, Chucho loved having the house full of laughter and the thump of tiny little feet running around. Sofia definitely gives her Abuelo a run for his money, at just 4 and a half she is feisty as all hell and ALWAYS wants the last word. She has Chucho wrapped around her finger, and she knows it. Mateo is the opposite. He is the most soft-spoken and sensitive 2-year-old. Always trying to play peacemaker. 

The rain drops beat against the kitchen window as you gather the marshmallows and steaming mugs of hot chocolate onto a tray. A new addition to the Peña family tradition of playing card games while it rains, hot cocoa, and playing out on the porch so you can sit and listen to the rain. Just like you did with your mom. 

You balance the tray on your hip as you awkwardly try to open the screen door to the porch. 

“Ay Mija, let me do that!” Chucho pulls Matteo off his lap and sets the book they were reading down. He grabs the tray from you and shoos you away. “Go on. Go, sit down.” 

“Thank you, Chucho. I thought the third time would be easier but this one is doing jumping jacks on my kidneys I swear.” You lower yourself onto the porch swing, rubbing your belly absent-mindedly when you turn to Mateo and lift him onto your lap. “Are Papa and Sofia still yelling at each other?” You tickle his sides and his giggle erupts into the air. Mateo lays his head on your chest as you quietly hum and rub his back. 

Javier and Sofia are competitive. She knows exactly how to rile him up. They have been playing go fish for an hour, and he has lost four times. You can’t help but laugh at the ridiculous sight of your husband arguing with your toddler about counting cards as if she is a card shark in a casino. 

“Here Mateo, pero ten cuidado. It's hot.” Chucho hands Matteo a small mug he got for his birthday. Steve and Connie got it for him, or “Unca Steve” and “Auntie Wonnie” as Mateo calls them. It had brightly colored jellyfish on it and it was from the Florida Aquarium. Steve took Matteo there when he was a baby and he was obsessed with the jellyfish and has been ever since. When we told Steve and Connie that I was pregnant with Mateo, Steve campaigned hard for Steve Jr. He about tackled Javier to the ground in the hospital room when we told him Mateo’s middle name was Esteban. 

“Are you two done fighting over there? Your hot chocolate’s gonna get cold.” You took a marshmallow and pelted it at Javier’s head. 

“Ay! Hermosa, quit it!” Javier gathered the cards and Sofia ran up to Chucho for her cup. You laughed to yourself as she convinced him to give her extra marshmallows on the side because “it's always good to have a snack with your drink.” 

Javier plopped down beside you and Mateo on the swing chewing away on his Nicorette gum. He went cold turkey in preparation for Mateo and hasn’t had one since. He slid his arm around your shoulders rubbing the back of your neck and he playfully tries to steal marshmallows out of Mateo’s mug. 

Sofia, after shoving all the marshmallows in her mouth at once, crawls up into Javier’s lap to sip on her drink. Chucho finished divvying out the rest of the mugs to you and Javier before sitting down himself. A silence fell over the Peña household as the pattering of the rain and the rumble of thunder in the distance created a beautiful song. 

This blissful moment reminds you of a poem that your mother would read to you at night during loud crashing thunderstorms. 

The clouds are shedding tears of joy, They fall with rhythmic beat Upon the earth, and soon destroy Dust dunes and waves of heat.

Each falling drop enforcement bears To river, lake and rill, And sweet refreshment gladly shares With wooded dell and hill.

Every flower, bud and leaf, Each blossom, branch and tree Distills the rain, 'tis my belief, To feed the honey bee.

I pity every wretch I find Who, frowning in disdain, Is deaf and dumb and also blind To beauty in the rain.

Rain causes destruction. Rain causes chaos. It is loud and booming. But rain also creates beauty. Rain creates stillness. It is also soft and peaceful. To find the beauty in the rain you have to look deeper beyond the noise and chaos. Only then will you discover the beauty in the rain. 

You and Javier have been through so much together. Colombia was a difficult time and then everything that happened after. It nearly destroyed you both. You fought and yelled and screamed. You hurt each other. But you did not give up on each other. Together you tried to find the beauty beyond the chaos of your lives. You forgave each other. You worked together to create the beautiful life you now live. It is not always easy. But you both show up every day for each other.

The airy, fresh scent of petrichor filled your nose as the rain droplets thrummed away on the roof of the porch. Javier leaned over and kissed your head as his free hand fell to your protruding stomach. The scene around you was beautiful and a treasure hard-won. A teary smile spreads across your face as you bask in the outpour of love that fills the porch and this home. This moment, this life, this family, Chucho, your children, Javier. They are your beauty in the rain. They are what makes the chaos and strife worth it. They cleanse away the dust and hurt of the past to make life beautiful and vibrant and full of laughter, light, and love. You have spent your whole life searching and now find comfort in the fact you have finally found your very own beauty in the rain.

Masterlist

Spanish Translations:

Mijo - My son

Mija - My daughter

Te amo - I love you

Tienes todo mi corazón y siempre lo tendrás - You have all my heart and always will

Hermosa - Beautiful

Mi Amor - My love

¿Buscas estos? - Looking for these?

Las cosas salieronien ya veo? - Things went well I see?

Sí. Sí, lo hicieron - Uh, yes. Yes, they did. 

Realmente bien. ¿Dónde está Sofía? - Really well. Where is Sofia?

Dormido. Ni siquiera llegó a comulgar antes de desmayarse - Asleep. She didn't even get to communion before she passed out

Recuerda usar protección esta vez. No tenemos lugar para más sorpresas - Remember to use protection this time. We have no room for more surprises

Llos amores de su vida. - The loves of his life

Vamos - C’mon

Pero ten Cuidado - but be careful

Please let me know if any of the Spanish translations or usage is incorrect!!

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Let me know if you would like to be added or removed!! 💕

[tonesplash]

its thanksgiving get nasty (18+)

pairing: edward cullen x reader

summary: you get bored at thanksgiving dinner. unfortunately for edward you wore sandals

warnings: smut,brief footjob, thanksgiving dinner, edward kind of chokes on corn, reader doesn’t like their family, mild injury, fingering, innappropriate use of vampire speed, technically exhibitionism and public sex?? bad dirty talk, and cousin-shaming, reader is afab and might be described as female im not sure

a/n: i wrote this in 24 hours so any sloppiness is not my fault

masterlist

(c/n)= cousins name

When you told him thanksgiving with your family would be boring, you’d meant it’d be for him, looking forward to his reaction to being on the receiving end of your bloodlines ridiculousness while you’d get dinner and a show. But, as it turns out, your family just so happens to get along with Edward much better than they do with you.

The seating situation is a little unconventional, since because your boyfriend-snatching cousin stole the open seat next to Edward before you even made it back from the bathroom, leaving your only viable option directly opposite of him. On the bright side, you had the option of kicking his leg when he’d said something to embarrass you.

 Bless his soul, he’d done his best to bring you into the conversation but apparently, anything you had to say about your relationship had been relayed verbatim to the family group chat you weren't even in by your mother. So, after the third time you’re talked over by the aforementioned horny cousin or some other nosy relative on you’re bored out of your mind.

Everyone had gotten over your piss poor table manners years ago, or were just completely ignoring you at this point because there were no protests when they’d brought the turkey out and you’d stayed slumped low in your seat like a child in church.

Twitter had stopped refreshing ten minutes ago, and when you finally resigned yourself to tuning back into the conversation, your mother was showing Edward your baby pictures again. Idly swinging one bare foot under the table, your bare toe grazes the drape of his dress slacks under the table when you get an idea.

 You’d lost a sandal earlier after Edward had pinned it under his shoe in a vain attempt to stop your pinching and dirtying of his slacks with your filthy soles. You scoot a little further forward in your seat to reach out and press your arch flat against his shin.

Edward doesn’t visibly react, just shifts his leg away, leaving yours to slip to the floor until you reach up again to plant your heel on the seat of the chair. The conversation lulls for a moment as everyone says grace, and he uses the opportunity to grab your ankle and send you a warning glare over the top of your phone.

You meet his gaze and boorishly eat a spoon of mashed potatoes, shrugging as if he couldn’t read in your mind exactly what you were about to do. 

Your cousin asks about his mom car again and when you roll your eyes Edward flicks the outside of your fibula, sure to bruise, and you crinkle your nose, pinching his marble thigh between your toes as best you can through the material.

“Well my father thought it was necessary for my siblings and I to-” 

While he talks, he's soothing the spot he flicked, playing in the stubble leftover from your shoddy shave job this morning, and the absent affection gives you the final motivation to further push your luck. You tease the seam of his left leg with the very tips of your toes, coaxing the unnatural heat of the venom to build in the crotch of his pants, the coolness of the rest of him making it seem even hotter in comparison.

He inhales on a forkful of corn, almost taking it down the wrong pipe, and you fight a smile around the bowl of the spoon as he flawlessly recovers and finishes the thought. You idly wonder if you could be that smooth someday. For now, you press further, pressing a toe against the seam over his cock, stroking up and down as slowly and consistently as you can while stretched under a table because who would’ve thought that footjobs are kind of an athletic feat. 

Edward taps insistently at your leg, harder than he normally would, and you have to hold back a laugh at the idea of him splitting the table because he can’t take a little footsie action. You press forward again, arch encompassing his hardness through the fabric, toes curling against his pubic bone when-

“Ho-oly shit!” Searing pain shoots up from your ankle, and you double over, using everything in you not to shout, Edwards dawning mortification going unnoticed as everyone at the table turns to you at your unexpected outburst.  

“(Y/n)?” Your mother doesn’t seem that happy to have dinner interrupted, and you clutch your stomach as a quick cover.

“Uh, my bad.” You snicker nervously at the sudden attention, bravado gone. Your face feels red-hot. “I actually need to use the bathroom, I think,” you lick your lips and slide out of your chair. “Lady problems.”

The table erupts in a cacophony of gags and groans as the notion of a menstrual cycle is brought up in casual conversation, and it gives you the perfect cover to retreat to the upstairs bathroom. It takes you a minute to make it up the stairs without causing a scene, and just as soon as you close and lock the door behind you and settle down to weep in peace, he’s there, jiggling the doorknob like it’s a drug bust.

“Let me in.”

You’re apparently taking too long because as soon as your injured foot touches the floor, he forces the lock and slips in, shutting the door a little too fast to pass as human. 

“Jesus! Edward, are you trying to lose our deposit?” You lean around him to check for a handprint but he doesn’t respond, wordlessly setting you up on the counter, kneeling to examine your injured ankle, cool fingers soothing to the sore skin. You sit in silence, idly swinging your other leg to distract yourself.

“How'd you make it out?” You can't imagine they’d let the guest of honor go so easily.

“You forgot your bag, I told them I’d just bringing it up to you.” He places your bag next to you as evidence. “Maybe you should start carrying menstrual products for when you actually need them.”

Of course, he breaks your foot and wants to lecture you on responsible uterus care. Edward sighs, taking your foot with the gentlest touch and whispering a kiss into the skin. “It’s only a sprain, but I’m still sorry.” 

“S’Okay.” Your face burns, not expecting his guilt. “Serves me right, huh?” You titter, poking his side with your uninjured foot. He swipes it up before you can start again, halfheartedly laughing with you. 

“Let me wrap it before you get any more ideas.” You hand him the compression wrap from the medicine cabinet, and he gets to work. The wince you give at the pressure is more reflex than anything, but the anxious expression on his face tells you he wasn't going to let this go easily. 

“Y’know…” You poke at him again. The playful contempt in his golden eyes gives you the go-ahead to make your case. “If you’re really feeling torn up about it, seeing you wow my family like that got me a little riled up.”

“Really.” Edward kisses the secured wrapping and releases you, standing to frame you against the counter.

“I’m serious, impressing them isn’t easy, (C/n) is probably shaving in the guest room to steal you from me right now, just thinking about it has got me a little hot under the collar.” You run your hands over his back and through his hair, nuzzling into the crook of his throat.

“You’re laying it on pretty thick, don’t you think?” His hands smooth over your exposed thighs sending a shiver up your spine. You think you've got him, but he's such a tease sometimes you can never really be sure.

“Depends. Is it working?” You still, bracing for some line about ‘responsibility’ and ‘your family waiting for you.’

But then his hands are under your skirt, hooking into the sides of your underwear and pulling them down your thighs, leaving them to free-fall to your feet. You clutch his auburn hair in your fingers at the shock of open-air against your cunt.

“Do you think I could let you go back to that table smelling like this?” His sweet breath washes against your ear as he huffs a soft laugh. “I’d rather not go downstairs and pretend to care about football when I know you’re here, hot and ready for me.”

You can’t resist him any longer, pulling him close and kissing him with the desperation of a woman who needs to be back downstairs before dessert. His thumb teases over your cunt at first, swirling over your swelling clit and teasing your hole before he finds a focus, using the thumb of his free hand to hold your hood back as his slicked fingers grind the bud into a frenzy while he sucks your tongue into his mouth.

It’s all you can do to hold your breath while he touches you, cool fingers building a knot in your belly, smooth and steady as they batter you up into a frenzy. He adjusts his hand, his ring finger pressing into you and bringing a low ache from rushed preparation, but you welcome it, thighs shaking with the effort to stay open for him as your mouth falls open in a shaky gasp. Edward breaks the kiss to let you breathe , seemingly unbothered until- 

“(C/n) is coming.” 

“Wha-” A particularly deep stroke has you biting your lip as you struggle to concentrate. “What the fuck does she want?”

“She’s going to ask you where I am.” His expression doesn’t match his words, still completely concentrated on ruining you despite the obvious issue.

“And what am I supposed to tell her?!” You hiss back right as she reaches the door. His mouth closes over your pulse point and you don't think you've clenched that hard before in your life.

“Hey (Y/n)? Have you seen Edward?” Her voice is enough of a mood killer that you have to shove your face into his throat to ground yourself in the moment. He adds a second finger, gaining speed, and you pray and hope to any god listening to this that she can't hear the squelches through the door.

“N-no.” You rack your mind for an excuse. His scent is making it harder to concentrate. “I think he went out for a smoke?” Nice one.

“Really? I didn't smell anything on him...” If all your blood flow hadn't been centralized below the waist at this point you'd’ve asked how the hell she knows what he smells like. He's fully abandoned your clit now, leaving it to pulse in the open air while three of his fingers push and pull at your pelvic floor.

“That's cause he unh-” You slap a hand over your mouth to stop the moan before it can be recognized for what it is.“-he vapes!” Edward pulls back from your throat to look at you incredulously, but it's a little hard to be ashamed when he's nearly wrist deep inside you.

“Oh… Well, let him know if you see him that they’re playing charades and I need a partner. You know how it is.”

You forget to reply, too enthralled watching him spit onto his unoccupied fingers and mash the coolness against your clit, causing you to nearly spasm off the counter, losing the sensation as he silently laughs at having to hold you steady. She seemed to have taken your silence as an admission, as you can hear the door at the stoop of the stairs swinging shut after her. Thank God.

“Rub your spot, Sweet, come on, we have to be quick.” He kisses your temple and laughs a bit maniacally at the little whimper that escapes when you bring a hand down to your clit. “Surprisingly, she’s having trouble picturing me in a vape shop.”

You whine around a bitten lip, too far gone to listen to his ribbing. You’re building up to overstimulation with the sloppy way you’re rubbing yourself, and he must feel it too, because in the next second, his fingers are vibrating.

“Come on, (Y/n), don't you want to finish up here and mop the floor with them?” You hadn’t even realized how hazy your vision had gotten until he grabs your chin and levels your lidded eyes with his and says your name again. You nod sluggishly for him, not hearing a word. He laughs again, smiles wide. His teeth are pretty. 

“If you cum right now;” The buzzing grows stronger, your free arm spasming under you as you support yourself. “I’ll rub you raw after on the ride home. You just need to come right now and win charades with me.” 

The buzzing inside grows too strong, and your vision goes white, pulsing in long pulls around his fingers as hot waves of sensation spread from your head to your toes.

Edward kisses you, soft and slow, swallowing any whimpers tempted to escape as you come down, abandoning the counter to clutch his sleeve as the twitching reduces to a tremor.

“Oh my god.“ You laugh, planting your face into his collar as you catch your breath. “I can't believe you used charades to make me come, I'm never gonna forgive you.” 

“I heard the top prize is a ten dollar gift card to…” He squints and checks again. “The Google Play Store.”

“Ew, what could you even do with tha-”

“(Y/N) come help with plates!” Your mother shouts up the stairwell, totally fucking up any release you just had.

“I guess I should run down to the corner store;” Edward smiles, helping you to stand on wobbly legs and smoothing your skirt down. “Don't want to blow your cover.” 

“(Y/N)! Plates!”

“Oh my god;” Your eyes may never return from the back of your skull. “Meet you downstairs?”

He kisses you sweetly one last time, pulling you close and wiping the sheen of sweat off of your face.

“Downstairs.”

With that, he heaves himself out of the narrow sill, and you busy yourself cleaning up as fast as you can.

You just catch him hopping off the roof, and coming around to the front yard. He'll hear you no matter the volume, but you still shout the warning;

“Stay away from my cousin!” 

[niallsteenagekitty]

A/N: Hey! here I am with a squeal of stay . I hope you like it and if you do please please give it a like and a reblog would mean a lot to me!!

If you haven’t read STAY go check it out here.

Enjoy!

WARNINGS: Smut.

WORDS: 1069

(continuation of Stay)

your pov:

Fear. Once set in the mind is really hard to overcome. In my case fear of losing someone I have started loving more than anything. Fear of what if she comes again. Fear of whom he would choose? Fear of all of this happening. Even though he tells me everyday how much he loves me but as time went by he told me about Allison. My fears started forming too and now that it’s been one year they have pretty much made a place in my mind. I keep myself busy because.

 I don’t want to think about them.

 About her.

We’ve been together for one year now and I cannot be more happy. In case you’re wondering, we now also live together. He asked me to move in with him two months ago and ever since I wake up with the biggest smile on my face. On the weekends we go to beaches and he sings to me plus now the songs are for me. That song. one he wrote before he told me it was for me and I replied “I knew it” to that. My life seems so perfect now. I want nothing more than him now.

I open the door to our house. “I am home babe” I yell so he can hear my voice echoing because the house is really big but Harry suggested buying this because of the peaceful environment and also because “we also need this because in future if we increase our family we will need space.” I was blushing like stupid when he said that to our Agent. He turned back and looked at me with the same smile I was so fond of  “what? I see it happening someday, kitten.” “Kitchen darling” he said and I made my way to the kitchen which is again quite bigger than required but I love it. The marble countertops are my favourite. I hugged him from the back “you didn’t have to do this” I said burying my face in his back he chuckled a little at my action “how was your day baby?” He asked, ignoring my first statement he doesn't like when I say you didn’t have to do that. He thinks I deserve all of it, maybe even better than what he does. But he doesn’t know that he does everything perfectly. There can be no better because what he does for me is already the best.

He turns so that he’s facing me. He bends down and kisses me. This is my favourite part of the day: ‘the welcome home kisses’ he gives me. He tastes like chocolate. I love it. At the moment I forget about everything. Whatever happened at work. This magic in his touch and kisses makes me forget all the shitty things that happened and today was no different. “How was your day?” he asks pulling away just to connect our lips again giving me no time to answer. “As usual. Shit” I say and he kisses me again “I know how to make it better” he says and sweeps me off my feet bridal style carrying me to our bedroom. He places me gently on our king sized bed as if I was an artifact

Now I am laying on the bed and his body hovering over mine as we make out. The kiss gets hot with every passing second. We both can barely breath as he pulls away “wanna make my girl feel good” I just moan I loved when he said ‘my girl’ “you know I love so fucking much right?” I hum in response as I can’t form words. 

His hands travel down to my pants and he rips them off followed by the rest of my clothes. My hands reach for his bottoms. I can feel how hard his cock is. I take off his boxers for him a little too fast. “Someone’s desperate” he says with a small chuckle “Harry…” I practically whine. He kisses me again. This time, it was a little rough. Meanwhile his hand travels down and stops right at my throbbing core. He draws circles whilst kissing my neck, biting and then licking the spots. He loves doing this. “So everyone is aware who you belong to” he said “love it when I finger fuck you?” I moan in response and he suddenly presses his two fingers in my clit. 

“God fuck” I moaned the fingers were magical they knew what to do the cold metal of his rings adds extra pleasure to the whole thing. “I- I am…gonna cum” I managed to say “come on baby cum for me. Wanna taste you.” he continued “my sweet baby.`` The finger thrusting and his words were enough for me to send me over the edge and within seconds I came on his fingers.

He licked his fingers. “Sweeter than honey” he said, biting my earlobe “you drive me crazy baby” he kissed me again “I can watch you cum the whole day and I’ll never get enough of it” he took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked while kneading the other. “Want your cock daddy” I moaned and with that said he started thrusting.

“faster…Agggh” “you like it don’t you? My little girl” he said in a deep husky voice “you feel so damn good baby” he moaned and kept thrusting in and out. 

 Faster.

 Deeper.

 Harder.

I came while he was still continuing his actions “cum inside me daddy” you encouraged “fill me up with your cum daddy” you continued “I wanna feel you do that.” with that he came into me.

He laid on top of me both trying to catch breath. Him still being inside me, his head buried in the crook of my neck and my hands in his curls. “I love you (Y/N)” he said kissing your shoulder “I love you Harold” I replied. He rolled over and I whimpered feeling empty.

He pulled the comforter over us and I moved closer to him. “You tired?” he asked, massaging my scalp as I rested my head on his bare chest. I hummed in response “go to sleep baby doll” he said kissing the back of my head “I am here. I love you darling” “I love you too baby” and with that all my doubts were clear. 

One thing was clear that This man was mine and I was his.

Nothing will ever change between us.

[slut4supersoldiers]

Happy And Sad

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Bucky Barnes

Summary: A world where Thanos has been defeated and everyone is still alive. Things are normal. Steve and Bucky are still pining over each other. But maybe Tony’s party might bring them a little closer to admitting their feelings.

OR

Happiness is fleeting and so is sadness. And bucky is aware of that. But for once he just wants to be happy. Even without the promise of permanency.

Based on Kacey Musgraves: Happy and Sad.

Warning: If you don’t ship Stucky then don’t read this! Also: Alcohol consumption, self doubt slight mention of ptsd and nightmares, maybe a bard word? major pining.

Rating: F for fluff, A for (slight angst)

A/n: i think this is my second time posting this. The first time it didn’t do so well but I had a surge of confidence so I reposted. Please be kind and please leave some feedback. It means a lot x

Tony has thrown yet another party. A ball room dolled up with expensive decorations, lights, chandeliers and happy faces. Pristine marble floors and a fountain with crystal clear water (or is that champagne?) right in the centre of the room. Guests; superheroes, agents, family and friends all dressed to the nines, black tie of course. And Bucky is standing in the corner of the room.

A forlorn expression; a thousand yard stare. He is fidgeting nervously. Left hand covered completely (in spite of the disapproving look from Shuri). His long hair is conditioned and tied in a low man bun, although stubborn strands still fall on his face. He is nursing a glass of whiskey. Nothing gets him drunk because of the damning super soldier serum but he loves the burn from the amber liquid. Imagines himself getting inebriated enough, just enough to forget the pain that the horrid of his past inflicts upon him mercilessly. He deserves it, he thinks. Before he could let the thoughts consume him he consumes the alcohol.

He can hear music being played but he doesn’t recognise it. Doesn’t recognise anyone. Yes he knows everyone but doesn’t really know anyone. Do they know him? No one does.

He is about to take another sip willing himself to push the pain away but his breath gets caught in his throat.

It's not you, it's the glow of the party

The way that you've got me lit up inside

It's the song that they're playin', the words that you're sayin'

It's never felt so right

There in the throng of the guests he sees a familiar face. A very familiar face. A very familiar person. His person. His Stevie.

Dressed in a velvet blue tuxedo, blonde hair gelled back, a very light scattering of stubble adoring his sharp jaw and high cheekbones. Bucky thinks he rather likes the look. And by the look of it so do all the women who suddenly gravitate towards America’s golden boy. Bucky doesn’t blame them. Instead he breathes a sigh and chugs the drink along with the harsh truth, that it’s not his Steve anymore. Probably never was…

Sulking, he is about to turn and walk towards the guest room (that Tony hesitantly offered him for the night) when he hears someone call his name and that familiar feeling of his world coming to a halt takes over him. Steve.

And I'm the kind of person who starts getting kinda nervous

When I'm having the time of my life

“Buck, where are you going? Join us?” Almost hesitantly Steve asks.

And Bucky turns around. The soft voice leaving Steve’s lips calling out to him like a siren to a sailor sailing through troubled waters. Calming and alluring.

He looks at Steve, really looks at him. He is still that scrawny little punk from Brooklyn, he thinks. Charming, stubborn and god damn beautiful.

“Buck?” Steve raises his eyebrows in concern.

Is there a word for the way that I'm feeling tonight?

Happy and sad at the same time

You got me smiling with tears in my eyes

And Bucky gives in.

Joins the former captain and mingles with everyone. Or as any bystander would’ve said, spends the night making heart eyes at the Adonis like blond man who refused to leave the former Sergeant’s side the whole night.

As the clock nears midnight, the party begins to lose its swing. New agents, and other guests having already left it’s only the avengers and their new comrades relaxing and talking, appreciating being reunited. No one addresses the lost time, the tragedies; the nightmares that will come later are reminder enough so everyone enjoys the company instead.

So does Bucky. With Sam by his side and Nat, his Natalia, sitting beside him, chugging a bottle of vodka like water, Bucky feels comfortable but he is still on the edge. Almost as if he knows that this will be taken away from him someday. That’s his life. Nothing good ever lasts. Nothing good is ever permanent. A forlorn look. A thousand yard stare.

I never felt so high

No, I've never been this far off of the ground

And they say everything that goes up must come down

But I don't wanna come down

“You’re doing it again.” Nat says.

“What?” Bucky asks.

“That lost puppy look. We won Barnes. It’s time to celebrate. We can sulk later.” She raises a well groomed eyebrow at her.

Natalia, always the snarky one. He chuckles and shakes his head as she offers him the bottle.

“10 o clock, sarge! Lover boy is closing in on us.” Nat nudges Bucky. And he is suddenly alert. Doesn’t notice Sam and Nat slowly sneaking away. Doesn’t notice the red covering his cheeks. Doesn’t notice the way Steve’s eyes take him in; adoration, love, lust, longing.

“What is this? The famous James Buchanan Barnes, not dancing?” Steve jokes. Tries to make the situation lighter.

And Bucky feels lighter. Like he is floating on air but that might have to do with how close Steve is standing to him. Shoulders touching, hands brushing against each other.

“You got the wrong guy!” Bucky shrugs half heartedly.

“No. I’ve got the right one.” Steve looks at Bucky. Cerulean eyes stare into each other. Lips parted, slightly. Awaiting.

So is there a way to stop all this thinkin', just keep on drinkin'?

'Cause I don't wanna wake up

When they're turnin' the lights on and it turns out the joke's on me

'Cause it feels so right

Suddenly Steve pulls Bucky away from the wall and to the dance floor. The floor now almost vacant.

“What’re ya doin?” Bucky scratches the back of his neck.

“What? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how you taught me dancing back in the days?” Steve suggests the red of his cheeks matches Bucky’s.

“You were smaller then. Now you’re...big.” Bucky averts his gaze. Steve bends down a little, a tiny, teasing smile plays on his lips. Cautiously, he grabs Bucky’s hand. The metal hand. Brings it to his lips. A soft, shy brush of lips against the gloved surface. Puts it on his shoulder. A weapon, a burden, an appendage, an embarrassment now an object of admiration. Bucky feels his heart beat getting erratic but the gradual mingling of Steve's heart beats with his own makes it sound like a symphony. Mingles with the music softly playing in the background. Bucky notices how his hand fits right on Steve’s shoulder. Steve places a hand on Bucky’s waist. Pulls him closer, just a little bit. And then a little bit more.

“I am still that kid.“ Steve smiles. Eyes filled with love for the broken but brave man before him. His friend. His love. His Bucky.

“Punk.” Bucky whispers.

“Jerk.” Steve chuckles.

I don't mind at all, no, I'm used to fallin'

I'm comfortable when the sky is gray

But when everything is perfect, I start hidin'

'Cause I know that rain is comin' my way, my way

Bucky is still a little sad. Nothing is permanent. But for now he is happy because for now he is with his Stevie. And he is fine with that.

'Cause I'm happy and sad at the same time

You got me smilin' with tears in my eyes

I never felt so high

No, I've never been this far off of the ground

And they say everything that goes up, goes up must come down

And I don't wanna come down

No, I don't wanna come down

Tag:

@mydarlingharry

[noemibalbii]

Six of Crows duology quotes

“Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you’ll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won’t matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.”

“Kaz leaned back. “What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?” “Knife to the throat?” asked Inej. “Gun to the back?” said Jesper. “Poison in his cup?” suggested Nina. “You’re all horrible,” said Matthias.

“No mourners. No funerals. Among them, it passed for ‘good luck’.”

“The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to land true.”

“When someone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.”

“She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and gotten drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.”

“He needed to tell her… what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her. That without meaning to, he’d begun to lean on her, to look for her, to need her near. He needed to thank her for his new hat.”

“I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath.”

“Please, my darling Inej, treasure of my heart, won’t you do me the honor of acquiring me a new hat?”

“What do you want then?” The old answers came easily to mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie’s voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roared inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome, You, Inej, you.

“Greed is your god, Kaz.” He almost laughed at that. “No, Inej. Greed bows to me. It is my servant and my lever.”

“The easiest way to steal a man’s wallet is to tell him you’re going to steal his watch. You take his attention and direct it where you want it to go.”

“Better terrible truths than kind lies.”

“You’ll get what’s coming to you some day, Brekker.” “I will,” said Kaz, “if there’s any justice in the world. And we all know how likely that is.”

“You can’t spend his money if you’re dead.” “I’ll acquire expensive habits in the afterlife.” “There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance.”

“Stay,” he said, his voice rough stone. “Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.” She looked down at his gloved hand clutching hers. Everything in her wanted to say yes, but she would not settle for so little, not after all she’d been through. “What would be the point?” He took a breath. “I want you to stay, I want you to… I want you.” “You want me.” She turned the words over. Gently, she squeezed his hand. “And how will you have me, Kaz?” He looked at her then, eyes fierce, mouth set, It was the face he wore when he was fighting. “How will you have me?” she repeated. “Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?” He released her hand, his shoulders bunching, his gaze angry and ashamed as he turned his face to the sea. Maybe it was because his back was to her that she could finally speak the words. “I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.”

“Some people see a magic trick and say, “Impossible!” They clap their hands, turn over their money, and forget about it ten minutes later. Other people ask how it worked. They go home, get into bed, toss and turn, wondering how it was done. It takes them a good night’s sleep to forget all about it. And then there are the ones who stay awake, running through the trick again and again, looking for that skip in perception, the crack in the illusion that will explain how their eyes got duped; they’re the kind who won’t rest until they’ve mastered that little bit of mystery for themselves. I’m that kind.”

“He’d broken his leg dropping down from the rooftop. The bone didn’t set right, and he’d limped ever after. So he’d found himself a Fabrikator and had his cane made. It became a declaration. There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong, and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.”

“Do you have a different name for killing when you wear a uniform to do it?”

“Facts are for the unimaginative.”

“When we get our money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm.” “I’m going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me.” “Why don’t you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That’s what the big players do.”

“How do you get your information, Mister Brekker?” “You might say I’m a lockpick.” “You must be a very gifted one.” “I am indeed.” Kaz leaned back slightly. “You see, every man is a safe, a vault of secrets and longings. Now, there are those who take the brute’s way, but I prefer a gentler approach - the right pressure applied at the right moment, in the right place. It’s a delicate thing.” “Do you always speak in metaphors, Mister Brekker?” Kaz smiled. “It’s not a metaphor.” He was out of his chair before his chains hit the ground.”

“A liar, a thief, and utterly without conscience. But he’ll keep to any deal you strike with him.”

“You couldn’t train a falcon, then expect it not to hunt.”

“The life you live, the hate you feel - it’s poison. I can drink it no longer.”

Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.” Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’s ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.” Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.”

“But all he could think of was Inej. She had to live. She had to have made it out of the Ice Court. And if she hadn’t, then he had to live to rescue her.”

“He was going to break my legs,” she said, her chin held high, the barest quaver in her voice. “Would you have come for me then, Kaz? When i couldn’t scale a wall or walk a tightrope? When I wasn’t the Wraith anymore?” Dirtyhands would not. The boy who could get them through this, get their money, keep them alive, would do her the courtesy of putting her out of her out of her misery, then cut his losses and move on. “I would have come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together - knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.”

“Fear is a phoenix. You can watch it burn a thousand times and still it will return.”

“Maybe there were people who lived those lives. Maybe this girl was one of them. But what about the rest of us? What about the nobodies and the nothings, the invisible girls? We learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns. We learn to write magic from the ordinary. That was how you survived when you weren’t chosen, when there was no royal blood in your veins. When the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway.”

“Crows remember human faces. They remember the people who feed them, who are kind to them. And the people who wrong them too. They don’t forget. They tell each other who to look after and who to watch out for.”

“Has anyone noticed this whole city is looking for us, mad at us, or want to kill us?” “So?” said Kaz. “Well, usually it’s just half the city.”

“She smiled then, her cheeks red, her cheeks scattered with some kind of dust. It was a smile he thought he might die to earn again.”

“No mourners. No funerals. Another way of saying good luck. But it was something more. A dark wink to the fact that there would be no expensive burials for people like them, no marble markers to remember their names, no wreaths of myrtle and rose.”

“Have any of you wondered what I did with all the cash Pekka Rollins gave us?” “Guns?” asked Jesper. “Ships?” queried Inej. “Bombs?” suggested Wylan. “Political bribes?” offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. “This is where you tell us how awful we are,” she whispered.

“We meet fear. We greet the unexpected visitor and listen to what he has to tell us. When fear arrives, something is about to happen.”

“You don’t look like a monster.” “I’ll tell you a secret, Hannah. The really bad monsters never look like monsters.”

Until this moment, Wylan hadn’t quite understood how much they meant to him. His father would have sneered at these thugs and thieves. a disgraced soldier, a gambler who couldn’t keep out of the red. But they were his first friends, his only friends, and Wylan knew that even if he’d had his pick of a thousand companions, these would have been the people he chose.”

“They were twin souls, soldiers destined to fight for different sides, to find each other and lose each other too quickly. She would not keep him here. Not like this.”

“At some point, Jesper realized Kaz was gone. “Not one for goodbyes, is he?” he muttered. “He doesn’t say goodbye,” Inej said. She kept her eyes on the lights of the canal. Somewhere in the garden, a night bird began to sing. “He just lets go.”

“I’ve been nothing but kind to you. I’m not some sort of a monster.” “No, you’re the man who sits idly by, congratulating yourself on your decency, while the monster eats his fill. At least a monster has teeth and a spine.”

“But if you couldn’t open a door, you just had to make a new one.”

“You’re not weak because you can’t read. You’re weak because you’re afraid of people seeing your weakness. You’re letting shame decide who you are. […] It’s shame that lines my pockets, shame that keeps the Barrel teeming with fools ready to put on a mask just so they can have what they want with none the wiser about it. We can endure all kinds of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.”

“She could feel the press of Kaz’s fingers against her skin, feel the bird’s wing brush of his mouth against her neck, see his dilated eyes. Two of the deadliest people the Barrel had to offer and they could barely touch each other without both of them keeling over. But they’d tried. He’d tried. Maybe they could try again. A foolish wish, the sentimental hope of a girl who hadn’t had the firsts of her life stolen, who hadn’t ever felt Tante Heleen’s lash, who wasn’t covered in wounds and wanted by the law. Kaz would have laughed at her optimism.”

“No matter the height of the mountain, the climbing is the same.”

“But when someone does wrong, when we make mistakes, we don’t say we’re sorry. We promise to make amends.” “I will.” “Mati en sheva yelu. This action will have no echo. It means we won’t repeat the same mistakes, that we won’t continue to do harm.”

“Van Eck promised us thirty million kruge,” said Kaz. “That’s exactly what we’re going to take. With another one million for interest, expenses, and just because we can.” Wylan broke a cracker in two. “My father doesn’t have thirty million kruge lying around. Even if you took all his assets together.” “You should leave, then,” said Jesper. “We only associate with the disgraced heirs of the very finest fortunes.”

“You’re better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.” A small smile curled the Fjerdan’s lips. “Let’s not say things we don’t mean, my love.”

“A proper thief is like a proper poison, merchling. He leaves no trace.”

“She took a shaky breath. The words came like a string of gunshots, rapid-fire, as if she resented the very act of speaking them. “I didn’t know if you would come.” Kaz couldn’t blame Van Eck for that. Kaz had built that doubt in her with every cold word and small cruelty. “We’re your crew, Inej. We don’t leave our own at the mercy of merch scum.” It wasn’t the answer he wanted to give. It wasn’t the answer she wanted.

“I just don’t get it. I’ve spent my whole life hiding the things I can’t do. Why run from the amazing things you can do?”

“She felt his knuckles slide against hers. Then his hand was in her hand, his palm was pressed against her own. A tremor moved through him. Slowly, he let their fingers entwine. For a long while, they stood there, hands clasped, looking out at the gray expanse of the sea.”

“Matthias knew monsters, and one glance at Kaz Brekker had told him this was a creature who had spent too long in the dark - he’d brought something back with him when he’d crawled into the light.”

“She wouldn’t wish love on anyone. It was the guest you welcomed and then couldn’t be rid of.”

“Brick by brick. Brick by brick. I will destroy you.” It was the promise that let him sleep at night, that drove him every day, that kept Jordie’s ghost at bay. Because a quick death was too good for Pekka Rollins.”

“Kaz narrowed his eyes. “I’m not some character out of a children’s story who plays harmless pranks and steals from the rich to give to the poor.”

“Inej had once offered to teach him how to fall. “The trick is not getting knocked down,” he’d told her with a laugh. “No, Kaz,” she’d said, “the trick is in getting back up.”

“It was because she was listening so closely the she knew the exact moment when Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the bastard of the Barrel and deadliest boy in Ketterdam, fainted.”

“Our hopes rest with you, Mister Brekker. If you fail, all the world will suffer for it.” “Oh, it’s worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don’t get paid.”

“This isn’t… it isn’t a trick, is it?” Her voice was smaller than she wanted it to be. The shadow of something dark moved across Kaz’s face. “If it were a trick, I’d promise you safety. I’d offer you happiness. I don’t know if that exists in the Barrel, but you’ll find none of it with me.” For some reason, those words had comforted her. Better terrible truths than kind lies. “All right,” she said. “How do we begin?” “Let’s start by getting out of here and finding you some proper clothes. Oh, and Inej,” he said as he led her out of the salon, “don’t ever sneak up on me again.”

“They fear you as I once feared you,” he said. “As you once feared me. We are all someone’s monster, Nina.”

“You still may die in the Dregs.” Inej’s dark eyes had glinted. “I may. But I’ll die on my feet with a knife in my hand.”

“Shame holds more value than coin ever can.”

“None of us move on without a backward look. We move on always carrying with us those we have lost.”

“You came back for me.” “I protect my investments.” Investments. “I’m glad I’m bleeding all over your shirt.”

“Why do you wear gloves, Mister Brekker?” Kaz raised a brow. “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.” “Each more grotesque than the last.” Kaz had heard them, too. Brekker’s hands were stained with blood. Brekker’s hands were covered in scars. Brekker had claws and not fingers because he was part demon. Brekker’s touch burned like brimstone - a single brush of his bare skin caused your flesh to wither and die. “Pick one,” Kaz said as he vanished into the night, thoughts already turning to thirty million kruge and the crew he’d need to help him get it. “They’re all true enough.”

“You have no finesse,” a gambler at the Silver Garter once said to him. “No technique.” “Sure I do,” Kaz had responded. “I practice the art of ‘pull his shirt over his head and punch till you see blood’.”

“A gambler, a convict, a wayward son, a lost Grisha, a Suli girl who had become a killer, a boy from the Barrel who had become something worse.” [...] “What bound them together? Greed? Desperation? Was it just the knowledge that if one or all of them disappeared tonight, no one would come looking?”

[himbodiaz]

Oh my god. Forest Fires is one of my favorite Eddie songs of all time. It’s so good and if it played over THAT scene I’d expire on the spot.

no listen. at the start of the season, i got an ask asking me for songs i relate to characters. and i said forest fires for eddie if his story is going the way i think it is. and like. my god is it going that way. the song is just so good on it's own, but when paired with eddie and his story and the fact that buck is in the room i am gonna lose my marbles over it. like, you listen to the lyrics and hear

I can't change your thoughts, my dear I can't change your fears But if you want I'll travel near To make it disappear

and there's no other way to see it than from buck's perspective, as he's seeing eddie finally breakdown. like, no matter what happens, no matter what eddie needs to go through or do to heal, buck will be right there alongside him, helping the whole way through.

and then you get to

Your dreams are incredibly loud tonight You're creating forest fires You can't even change your sight It's stuck in you like a virus

and with the way that it's basically confirmed that eddie's going to be having nightmares, and how i think that will come to affect him further on into the season, this part is all about him dealing with it, and feeling helpless because he can't see how to get past it.

and finally,

If you could follow your heart gently There wouldn't be this mess Maybe someday, just someday you'll find a way back

this is maybe eddie finally getting on track to learning who he is outside of chris, and what he wants, and dealing with his own fears about being back on the job, and all the other things he's had to face in his life. and like, how once he's faced those things, he'll be able to finally let himself come home to the 118

[natthebattygeologist]

A Brush with a Cursed Lily

Royal Court AU

King’s Advisor!Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

A/N: So here it is, a second part to A Kiss From a Rose. I’m sorry for the wait however I got very busy with work and my university projects. I do so hope you enjoy this. It’s written slightly differently to part 1 as this is all from the Reader’s POV.

I just want to thank @cockslut-padalecki for allowing me to write part 1 as part of the #notmyninth writing challenge and I hope that this angsty follow up does A Kiss From a Rose proud.

Word Count: 2208

Warnings: Angst, angst, more angst, some light fluff, swearing, implied smut, grief, mentions of loss.

Reader’s POV

I ran around chasing after the little squirt who was currently avoiding his bath-time before tripping up and landing square on my backside in a patch of tall Calla Lilies. They were a stunning shade of deep violet and brought back the memories of 6 summers ago. The day I was married off to my best-friend, Steve Rogers, Lord of Rosebury-upon-Sale. I chuckled to myself as my husband rounded the corner of the orangery with our son, covered in mud head to toe, a huge smile plastered on his face. The last few years had been trying at times, and unbearable in others but somehow, we managed to make it through.

“Frolicking in the flowers are we, my petal?” A deep laugh resonated from Steve’s chest as he took in the sight of me, dishevelled and dirtied from my tumble.

“Yes, it’s a rather delightful hobby I have found. Quite the thrilling end to chasing our little gremlin child. Now if you would be so inclined as to help your pregnant wife out of the flower bed, I would greatly appreciate it.”

“Come now love, you know I love to see you in a fluster, but I suppose it would do the baby no good leaving you there.”

I took the hand he so graciously offered me and took our muddied little boy from his father’s hold.

“Now honestly Charlie, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Prince as muddy and dirty as you are right now, you little rascal. Let’s get you cleaned up and fed, then maybe we can go and visit Uncle James before bedtime.”

----------------- 4 Years Earlier----------------

The King summoned us back to court, and what was meant to be a joyous visit quickly became a permanent stay. Upon our arrival we were greeted by a bleary-eyed Prince and an equally as troubled Princess. The King was dying and had called upon his advisor to help prepare for Bucky’s transition into power. To anyone else nothing would’ve seemed amiss, except it was.

When James’ back was turned, I had witnessed Princess Maia acting rather strangely, gathering bouquets of foxglove and trimmings of deadly nightshade. I was almost certain of her intentions but feared my own safety and so kept it to myself, until one night where I couldn’t bear the burden this knowledge held over me any longer.

“Steve, my love, I have something troubling my mind.” My voice came out a hushed and broken whisper.

“What worries you so my petal? I know it hasn’t been easy for you being back, and having to pretend to like Maia, I assure you that I am always here to listen to you and love you.”

“Well, you see, I think I know why the King is sick. On several occasions I have witnessed the Princess with my own eyes gathering bouquets of foxglove and cuttings from the nightshade bush down by the lily patch. I worry that she is poisoning the King, taking advantage of both his and James’ compromised states to hold a sway over decisions that will likely see our kingdom lost to that of her own father.”

I spoke confidently now, having been an integral part of the court for all my childhood. Steve knew better than to question my knowledge of how things ran. He also knew that I would be one of the first to notice if anything was awry, be that with the account books or even the numbers of armed men stationed at each watchtower. After the death of his wife the King only had James as an heir, and so, he vowed that in case any ill befall him I would also be trained, so that if required, I could become a successful Queen someday.

“Steve, I do believe wholeheartedly that this is all a set-up and that we have been blindly infiltrated by our enemy. Things aren’t adding up. The number of guards stationed at The Keep has been halved in sized since the King has fallen ill. It leaves the West of the kingdom in a precarious position. One where an attack could easily happen and be kept quiet. I don’t like the look of it, any of it, and something needs to be done before we are conquered, you are killed, and me resigned to a life of slavery and servitude at the hands of the despicable Wyvern family.” My voice broke and a sob tore through me at the thought of losing everything I have left to the family that has already taken so much from me, starting with my mother shortly after I was born.

“Hush my petal. Tears will do nothing to fix this. The King is aware of the situation, however in our absence the Prince has changed, and he has become blinded by his love for ‘his lily’, though I daresay snake would be the better term for that venomous bitch.” A scoff escaped Steve’s lips before he continued. “The reason the King summoned us is because he has seen what fate has befallen James. He has made his bed, albeit a rather uncomfortable bed, and now he will have to lie in it. The King wishes for you to become Queen after his passing. He wants to stop the plans of Maia’s family before their tendrils of poison can run further into our kingdom than they already have. You my love can bring all this to an end, and I believe you would be able to unite the Kingdoms in a peaceful treaty that could last.”

I curled up into Steve’s side placing a chaste kiss to his lips. He returned it with a hunger and passion before carding his fingers through my hair and tracing them along my jaw.

“Please my petal, let me chase away your worries, after all, if you are to be Queen, we shall need to work on producing some heirs.”

A smirk befell his lips before he ducked his head, nipping at my neck, knowing full well that I would cave to his carnal desires.

--------------- Present Day -------------

After having cleaned up the mucky Prince, Steve and I walked with him through the gardens as evening began to draw in. Fireflies filled the air as we made the trek to the rose garden. As a child it had been mine and Bucky’s favourite place to hide, and on more than one occasion hugs and kisses had been exchanged.

Today this garden holds a whole new meaning as at its centre, beneath a beautiful weeping willow, lay James’ grave.

------------- 3 Years Earlier ------------

Before the King’s passing, he ordered his kings-guard to imprison and execute the Princess for treason against the throne. She was hung at The Keep as a warning to her family that they were next. Their years of planning and scheming had come to an abrupt and distasteful end.

What the Wyverns deemed as an unlawful murder incited a full war between our Kingdoms, it saw both Steve and Bucky fighting on the front lines with me at the helm, as Queen. Soon I had treaties signed with other Kingdoms aligning us for generations to come, until the only one stood against the alliance was the Kingdom of the Serpents. The battle of Roseknappe in the Western borders was the bloodiest battle of all. By this time, I was no longer part of frontline action as I was holed up in the castle under the watchful protection of my elite Queens-guard. When news got out that I was with child the Wyverns stopped at nothing to try and kill me or at the least cause me harm enough for my body to rid itself of the heir I now lovingly grew inside of me. But they needn’t have worried.

When I was around 5 months along tragedy struck our kingdom. The arrival of my husband looking grey in pallor, with sunken eyes and covered in injuries was the first sign that something was very wrong. When the two had left to fight they rode off, side by side, settling any grievances they had over the arranged marriages and uniting to fight to save the Kingdom and keep me on the throne. Steve’s return signalled the end of an era and feelings in my gut that had been dormant for years surfaced in cry of grief so great that it silenced the birdsong for days. Although James was not King, he was still a beloved Prince. My first love and the person who would forever hold a piece of my heart.

In my grief-stricken state I had fallen and managed to land with the sharp riser of the marble stairs squarely in my abdomen. The shock I was in meant that I hadn’t noticed the blood that began pooling nor do I remember what happened over the next few weeks as the doctors and healers frantically worked to keep me alive.

“Steve? Steve? Where’s James? I…. I want to see him. I…” I was interrupted by Steve coming over and pulling me tight to his chest.

“Praise to the Old Gods, my petal, are you okay? Are you in any pain?” worry had seeped into his tone and what looked to be a pang of guilt crossed his normally stoic face. “My love, how much do you remember of the last three weeks?”

A confused expression befell my features before Steve decided to continue.

“Oh, my sweet love, James... James isn’t coming back. The fight at Roseknappe, he saved my life by taking the arrow that was meant to pierce my heart, he sacrificed himself because he wanted me to be able to return to you, so I could love you the way he was never allowed to. So that I could raise a family and keep our Kingdom strong. He died in my arms after begging me to pass you on this letter that he wrote, almost as if he knew he wouldn’t make it back from this war.”

Fresh tears began to fall as Steve handed me the bloodied paper.

My dearest Rose,

How I wish things had been different, and that it was I that got to hold you in my arms at the end of the aisle. I begged my father to change his mind, but he wouldn’t budge. I will never forgive myself for the horrid things I said to you when father made you queen. I was poisoned by the words of a traitor and knowing now I hurt the one true love of my life is the reason why I will fight so hard to save you.

If you are reading this it means I am gone my sweet girl. I know that you will grieve me but please, for my sake as much as your own, I want you to love Steve as wholly as you once loved me. I beg of you to take care of yourself and to keep me close as you grow through the years. I am sorry I will not be there to see my little nieces and nephews, but I know that you and Steve will be the most wonderful parents.

That day in the rose garden, after your first dance in front of the court, when I kissed you. I wanted to tell you then just how much I loved you, but I couldn’t do it. It’s almost as if in my heart I knew you would never truly be mine.

I love you my Rose and I will see you in the next life,

Your Prince,

Bucky

xx

4 months later after grieving the loss of the Prince, the Kingdom was celebrating, not just a victory of war and a long lasting treaty of peace, but the birth of their future King.

Prince Charlie James Buchanan Rogers, heir to the throne of Rosehall and Duke of Snowblossom Grove.

----------- Present Day ----------

“…… and that is the story of how your brave Uncle James battled the terrifying Wyverns to protect your mummy.”

I could hear Steve talking with Charlie as I sat on the bench staring blankly at the grave, wishing with every ounce of strength that I could, hoping to gain just one more moment with my soulmate.

“Come Charlie, let’s get you into bed, then tomorrow we can go riding and Papa can show you the waterfall where him and Uncle James decided to scare me into thinking that your Papa had drowned. Really, they just wanted mummy to go swimming with them, but they knew I wouldn’t go unless there was an emergency.”

After settling Charlie into bed, I took a stroll around the halls before heading to my shared chambers. Laying on the bed next to Steve he protectively wrapped his arms around me, as if he could shield me from the pain the world would throw at me.

“I love you Steven Grant Rogers. It may have taken me a while but, I have always cared for you, and I vow to you now that I will love you until my dying breath.”

“I know my petal, as I will love you, and Charlie, and this little one that we have yet to meet, until mine.”

Taglist: (My Humble Peeps)

@missyredbean

[halstudandruz]

Always Have, Always Will

*Not my gif*

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Prompt: Reader reconnects with Jay, her ex boyfriend and current boyfriend’s brother.

Warnings: Swearing, cheating

A/N: Part 2 here // Part 3 here

“Babe, have you seen my-oh nevermind.” Will yelled from his bedroom making you laugh as you finished packing both your lunches. You were both heading off to your shifts at Chicago Med where Will would be working a double that night.

You were a few hours in when your world was flipped upside down.

“Hey we’re here for Jamison Recker.” A voice a few steps away from you said that had you immediately turning around, eyes wide at the familiarity and your heart was caught in your throat at the confirmation of the owner.

“Room 343.” The receptionist informed him. He thanked her turning to move down the hall when he spotted you stopping in his tracks. The girl beside him looked suspiciously between the two of you before shoving him in the arm seemingly bringing him back to reality. Allowing him to take the last few steps towards you,

“Jay..” you croaked out in disbelief.

Now for the background story. You had reconnected with Will whenever you moved back to Chicago after getting a job offer as a nurse at Chicago Med. Growing up you two were neighbors along with his little brother, Jay, and hung out with them practically 24/7. By the time you had gotten to high school Jay and Will were vying for your attention both sporting obvious crushes, which surprised you honestly, but eventually you had to pick and well... you picked Jay. You were head over heels for Jay much to Will’s dismay. After that things weren’t always the same between the three of you. Which upset you, you never intended to hurt anyone, but it was inevitable apparently. It wasn’t that you didn’t love Will because you did it was just that Jay had you sucked in from the start. He ended up being your first everything, and you his. You were convinced this wasn’t some puppy love, this was absolutely the real thing. You stayed together throughout all of high school and then some until he decided he wanted to go into the military. You were willing to try it. It was going to be hard but you were completely in love with him and you would do anything to support him, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to put either of you through that especially with you going off to college where he wanted you to live your best life, and that was that. No letters. No pictures. No communication. You were devastated for months. Standing here right now was the first time you had seen him since you bid him goodbye in the airport the day he left for basic training. When you had gotten back to Chicago you were pleasantly surprised to run into Will on your first day. It didn’t take long at all for you two to get back into old habits and you ended together. It had been about two months since he asked to make your relationship official, but no words had been spoken about Jay. You didn’t want to ask and he didn’t seem like he wanted to bring it up. So, in fear of any answers or fights you always let it lay dead in your mind. But now here he was. Standing right in front of you making you lightheaded at the reality of it all.

“[Y/N], wow..hi.” He answered back with as much vulnerability making your heart ache even more. You couldn’t believe your body was having this reaction right now. You were dating his brother and you wanted nothing more than to pull him into you like your life depended on it. Wondering if his lips felt the same as they did a decade ago. Your mind couldn’t keep up. If it was even fucking possible he was even more handsome. Muscles rippling clear in the shirt he was wearing, jeans forming around his legs perfectly, just the right amount of scruff on his face. The same baby blue eyes you always fell into.

“Jay! Hey, I didn’t know you were coming in.” A voice appeared beside you making you jump. Feeling an arm wrap around your waist you looked up to see it belonged to Will making you swallow hard. This had to happen someday you just didn’t imagine it happening like this. You hadn’t imagined it at all actually because you refused to, but now that it was you wanted to step as far away from Will as possible, but he held you tightly against his side as though he was showing his possession. You could see the confusion on Jay’s face as Will continued, “I see you’ve run into America’s most badass power couple.” He joked and suddenly you remembered there was a girl standing beside Jay. Averting your eyes to her. A gorgeous brunette with combat boots and a leather jacket. Sporting an amazing smile as she extended her hand to you,

“Hi. I’m Erin.” She introduced herself, “I take it you two know each other?” She pointed between the two of you after shaking your hand and the jealousy was running thick through your blood.

“Uh yeah. A long time ago. I actually didn’t know he was even in Chicago.” You explained looking back over to Jay who was fidgeting.

“Didn’t I tell you that honey?” Will asked with emphasis on the pet name and you could swear fire appeared in Jay’s eyes, “he’s in the intelligence unit.” Will finished.

“Speaking of, we actually have to go talk to a victim. It was nice meeting you. We’ll have to get together sometime.” Erin smiled pulling Jay with her as he bid you goodbye, still in a daze. As you watched him walk away you turned to face Will.

“You didn’t feel the need to tell me Jay’s in Chicago?” You asked dumbfounded.

“I didn’t really see the importance. Figured you find out sooner or later.” He shrugged rendering you speechless, making him sigh, “I’m sorry. I thought if I did I might lose my chance with you again, and he’s with Erin anyway. We had to talk about it eventually. I just figured you didn’t want to know since you didn’t ask.” He pulled you into a hug as you nodded against his chest,

“Yeah. No, you’re right. I’m sorry I’m just shocked is all.” You explained.

“I would’ve given you a heads up if I knew he was coming.” Will said moving to continue but being interrupted by Ethan,

“Halstead, need you for a second.” Ethan yelled at him from down the hall. Will let you go backing away to take your face into his hands,

“We’ll talk more later, okay?” He asked, kissing your forehead and heading off when you nodded.

The rest of your shift went fast. Kissing Will quickly on your way out, heart not into it after the day's events. After arriving home you got a quick shower and ate before ending up on your couch, photo album in your lap. You were inspecting a photo of you on Jay’s back kissing his cheek when a knock alerted you. Quickly closing the album and shoving it back into your coffee table you went to answer it, confused since Will shouldn’t be even close to off shift yet. Opening the door you couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you. Thinking this day couldn’t get any more twisted as you stepped aside gesturing him inside.

“What are you laughing about?” Jay asked, walking into the doorway, closing the door behind him.

“I don’t even know at this point. I feel like I’m trapped in some kind of bad movie.” You shook your head walking into the kitchen where he followed you. “How’d you find me?” You asked pouring more wine into your glass you already had out before getting a beer out of the fridge and offering it to Jay.

“I am a cop.” He pointed out taking the beer from your outstretched hand.

“Never bothered to look me up before?” You asked leaning against the counter as he leaned against the doorframe. Making him look down and chuckle,

“Couple months ago. You were still in Florida.” He admitted. “How long ago did you come back?”

“About four months ago.” You answered, “he never told you?” You continued causing him to laugh bitterly.

“Just like he never told you.” Jay shrugged, “looks like it worked out for him though.” He shook his head taking a gulp of his beer.

“Jay..” You warned but as you looked at him you seen the pain clear in his features.

“Do you love him?” He finally asked.

“Jay..” You repeated.

“Please..I just..I need to know.” He pleaded grip tight around his bottle.

“No.” You finally answered, feeling guilty at the confession, as you watched Jay relax. “Erin, know you’re here?” You shot back.

“That..doesn’t matter.” He sighed after a long pause setting his beer on the counter stepping a little closer to you. “Why didn’t you ask about me?”

“I was too scared.” You admitted looking down at the marble knuckles white from the grip you had on the edge. He stepped slowly towards you, a hand landing on your hip as his finger tilted your head up towards him.

“I’ve never stopped missing you. Loving you. Not for a single second.” He whispered searching your eyes with his.

“Jay..what are you doing here.” You took a deep breath not moving closer but not moving away.

“I couldn’t not see you. I’ve waited long enough.” He answered but your palms came to his chest pushing him away shaking your head anger and sadness in your voice,

“You can’t do this. You can’t just show up here after 10 years and expect me to fall at your feet. You did this. You broke us up!” You yelled at him.

“I know and it’s eaten me alive everyday since. To not know how we could’ve ended up. To not know if you still loved me. I wrote you so many damn letters but I couldn’t bring myself to send even one of them.” Jay ran a hand through his hair taking a deep breath before continuing, “you know Erin,” and at her name you rolled your eyes making him raise an eyebrow but still he continued not commenting, “she made me go to her high school reunion with her last month and all I could think the entire time was what ours was going to be like. If you were going to show up. If you were married. Maybe you had kids, and it just fucking tore me apart, but I couldn’t bring myself to look you up because I was too scared of seeing it be a reality. I sat there and just imagined you walking through that door. Looking as beautiful as you always have and coming back to me.” He said taking your hand gently and pulling you back into him, “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t fair. I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but god dammit, [Y/N], my entire world was flipped upside down 6 hours ago when I saw you standing there.” He poured out, his hands gripping each side of your face, and you made the mistake of meeting his eyes, those damn baby blue eyes that you could never snap out of as you leaned up to capture his lips with yours. At the connect one hand gripped the front of his shirt pulling him impossibly close as the other grasped the back of his neck. The kiss started out slow, gentle as you fell back into the rhythm that was all too familiar, capturing a taste you had longed for for way too long. Before Jay snuck his tongue in your mouth slowly taking dominance while he lifted you onto the counter knocking your glass down at the same time, shattered glass hit the tile, merely an echo as you focused your entire body solely on Jay’s..

————-

“Well..that was a little different than it used to be.” Jay joked, still breathing heavily pulling the covers up to your hips.

“In a good way I hope.” You replied, head falling down onto his sweaty chest, his rapid heartbeat loud against your ear.

“In a very good way. Not that you weren’t good before!” He hurried out realizing what he said, making you laugh.

“We were each other’s first, Jay. Not like we had much to go off of. But god damn do you look good, and here I thought you couldn’t look any better. Way to prove me 1000 times wrong..” You said running your fingers along his abs, making him smile. You laid your hands on his chest, fingers intertwining below where your chin rested, looking up at him.

“Have you..?” He trailed off swallowing hard not actually wanting to ask, but gaining new found fresh air when you shook your head no.

“What did we just do, Jay?” You asked after a few minutes with guilt clear in your voice, causing him to sigh and tuck your hair behind your ear.

“We’ll figure it out.” He promised sincerity in his voice.

“I love you. I always have.” You bit your lip searching his eyes.

“I love you too. I always will.” He replied by rubbing your cheek bone with the pad of his thumb. You didn’t know how this was going to end up. You didn’t feel like it could be good in any way, but for the first time since the day Jay left you felt truly and completely safe in his arms again and that’s all that mattered to you right now. All the rest..it could wait.

[fleeting-sanity]

OC Talk #9

My OCs as 2020 songs.

There’s a LOT of releases this year but this is all I’ve listened to so far? Post is long as always.

PS: LOL I struggled to find suitable songs for some OCs that 2020 ended ahhaha I’m slow as always-

Aryuni

Rina Sawayama - Comme Des Garçons (Like the Boys)

Yeah, oh, girl, it's okay You should never be ashamed to have it all Yeah, yeah it's gonna be okay Yeah, you've come a long way

Don’t fuck with me hoe Take you down like Judo Elevate your vision when you put me on the cover

Hot like a fever Make you a believer Write my name up in the sky  From Paris to Shibuya

Lady Gaga - 911

Holding on so tight to this status It's not real but I'll try to grab it Keep myself in beautiful places Paradise is in my hands

My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911 

Taylor Swift - mad woman

What did you think I'd say to that? Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill and you know I will You know I will

Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy What about that? And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry And there's nothing like a mad woman What a shame she went mad No one likes a mad woman You made her like that

Ariana Grande - shut up

My presence sweet and my aura bright Diamonds good for my appetite Guess it fuckin' just clicked one night All them demons helped me see shit differently So don't be sad for me

I vibrate high and my circle lit We ain't really with drugs and shit Love the game so I never miss Keep opinions muted for the hell of it 'Cause I like my shit

Harry Styles - Adore You (From Arcann)

Your wonder under summer skies  Brown skin and lemon over ice Would you believe it?

You don't have to say you love me You don't have to say nothing You don't have to say you're mine

Oh, honey I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you

Taylor Swift - mirrorball (To Avery, Avelyn, Saxan)

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

Chloe x Halle - Tipsy (To Arcann)

I've been crucified, darling Ghost haunt me like New Orleans I've been charged with murder 'Cause some wanna push me further I'll hit you where it hurts, yeah If you don't put me first, yeah And I don't give no apologies If you lose a life that's not on me, yeah

I might be a little tipsy on your love Makes me a little crazy but so what You're strumming on my heart strings, don't be dumb If you love your little life then don't fuck up

Avery

Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia

I know you're dying trying to figure me out My name's on the tip of your tongue, keep running your mouth  You want the recipe but can’t handle my sound

No matter what you do, I'm gonna get it without ya I know you ain't used to a female alpha

Katy Perry - What Makes A Woman

Is it the way I talk sweet? The way my skin is soft? Or how I can be a bitch? Make you keep your fingers crossed? 

Is it the way I cut my hair And put no makeup on? I feel most beautiful Doing what the fuck I want 

Rina Sawayama - Dynasty

I'm a dynasty The pain in my vein is hereditary Dynasty Running in my bloodstream, my bloodstream Dynasty And if that's all that I'm gonna be Won't you break the chain with me

I'm gonna take the throne this time All the words all mine, all mine It's been way too long, too far Too gone, to carry on You can't hide it in the walls Sweep it under marble floors It's been living in our lives Best told damn family lie

Chloe x Halle - Overwhelmed

Holding my breath till my face turns blue Head underwater Breathe deeply they said I need a weekend again Looking for bright sides Low on the high types Running so fast, I done worn my shoes Head on the pavement I'm just trying to win Pushed in the river, I swim Nothing can blind side  Me like the high tide I don't do well under pressure I don't know at all I wish I had all the answers Fix it all myself (Oh) I feel overwhelmed

Avelyn

Selena Gomez - Dance Again

Happiness Ain't something you sit back and you wait for Vulnerable Ain't easy, believe me, but I do it

Feels so, feels so, feels so good to dance again With my emotions, I just start going in With everything To dance again 

Katy Perry - Resilient

'Cause I am resilient A full flower moment Won't let the concrete hold me back Oh no I am resilient Born to be brilliant You'll see me grow right through the cracks Yeah, 'cause you're gonna watch this flower grow right through the cracks

Childish Gambino - 19.10

I remember back when I was six years old Daddy said "the world's so cold" "There is something that you should know", "You're so gorgeous", (thank you daddy) "Nothing's really worth your time" "But someday soon you just might find" "The truth about the world's design", oh

“To be beautiful is to be hunted I can't change the truth, I can't get you used to this”

Ariana Grande - my hair (To Ezekiel)

It’s got body and it’s smooth to touch The same way as my skin Don’t you be scared 

To run your hands through my hair Baby, ‘cause that’s why it’s there Come run your hands through my hair Ooh baby, so don’t you be scared So come run your hands through my hair 

It’s been way long overdue Just like these inches down my back Usually don’t let people touch it But tonight you get a pass

Enzaran

Miley Cyrus - Midnight Sky

I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no I don't need to be loved by you See my lips on her mouth, everybody's talking now, baby Ooh, you know it's true See his hands 'round my waist, thought you'd never be replaced, baby Ooh, you know it's true, yeah

You should know right now that I never stay put in one place Forever and ever, no more

Dorian Electra - Gentleman

I'm a gentleman Take my gentle hand Off to a gentle land I'm a gentleman

I pick you up I put you down I say the perfect thing then I make you spin around Yeah I'm lighting you up Throw you around This is a conquest a war is going down 

Thundercat - King of The Hill

A king in his castle A king of the hill Wasting his time Chasing cheap thrills He knows it's gonna cost him God knows how much

Jurbiend

Billie Eilish - Therefore I Am

Stop, what the hell are you talking about? Ha Get my pretty name outta your mouth We are not the same with or without Don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how I feel Top of the world, but your world isn't real Your world's an ideal

I don't want press to put your name next to mine We're on different lines, so I Wanna be nice enough, they don't call my bluff 'Cause I hate to find Articles, articles, articles

Childish Gambino - 32.22

I'm a funky motherfucker, man Don't fucking call me I been the man, don't fire me Things ain't all bad

We are the, we are the warlords We are, are you ready? Firelight, got it, warlords Pick it up, no, pick it up Firelight gonna clean it up Firelight's goin' way up Red light's on fire

Riornivo

Harry Styles - Treat People With Kindness

Maybe we can find a place to feel good And we can treat people with kindness Find a place to feel good

Givin' second chances I don't need all the answers Feelin' good in my skin I just keep on dancin'

Childish Gambino - Time (ft. Ariana Grande)

Seven billion people Tryna free themselves Said a billion prayers Tryna save myself I can see it coming But it's moving fast

Maybe all the stars in the night are really dreams Maybe this whole world ain't exactly what it seems Maybe the sky will fall down on tomorrow But one thing's for certain, baby We're running out of time

Running after something But I don't know what Am I running to? Too afraid to stop Hundred miles an hour With no seatbelt on Time is everlasting I can't wait that long    

Selena Gomez - Let Me Get Me

Like a prayer surrounding us, moving effortlessly  Every word is relief  No self-sabotage, no letting my thoughts run Me and this spiral are done Burn this camouflage I’ve been wearing for months Tryna let a little happy in for once

Don’t get me down, I won’t let me get me I’m good right now, I won’t let me get me Take that tired heart and go and turn it inside (out)      

Diving in ferociously, dancing intimately I’m so connected to me In the dark I’m letting go, so anonymously I guess this is what it feels like to be free

Troye Sivan - Take Yourself Home (To Rionnic)

Talk to me There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty And how it got this dark is just beyond to me If anyone can hear me switch the lights

Who you really tryna be when they see your face? Is it worth it trying to win in a losing game? Well it's all waiting for you And, boy, I know you're eager But it just might destroy you Destroy you 

Arca - Calor (From Arcann)

Rio, me tienes Rio, me tienes

Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el sueño que no me atrevía a tener Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el dueño de todo mi ser

Lady Gaga - Stupid Love (From Vaylin)

You're the one that I've been waiting for Gotta quit this cryin' Nobody's gonna heal me if I don't open the door Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me

Now it's time to free me from the chain I gotta find that peace Is it too late or could this love protect me from the pain? I would battle for you, even if I break in two

Look at me now 'Cause all I ever wanted was love I don’t need a reason Not sorry I want your stupid love

Taylor Swift - marjorie (To Vianiel)

“Never be so kind, you forget to be clever” “Never be so clever, you forget to be kind”

“Never be so polite, you forget your power” “Never wield such power, you forget to be polite”

And if I didn't know better I'd think you were talking to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head 

Rionnic

Lady Gaga - Sine from Above (ft. Elton John)

When I was young, I prayed for lightning My mother said it would come and find me I found myself without a prayer I lost my love and no one cared When I was young, I prayed for lightning

When I was young, I felt immortal And not a day went by without a struggle I lived my days just for the nights I lost myself under the lights When I was young, I felt immortal

Thundercat - It Is What It Is

When the gold becomes dough And the magic starts to fade When it all comes to an end When there's nothing left to say It is what it is I tried to make it work My best just wasn't enough It couldn't be helped, the end The things I would do for you

After all is said and done And I'm all alone When I sit back and reflect From a broken heart Sometimes there's regret It is what it is

Taylor Swift - peace (From Jaesa)

Our coming of age has come and gone Suddenly this summer it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darlin' 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

And you know that I'd Swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

Rina Sawayama - Chosen Family (From Vette, Katei)

We don't need to be related to relate We don't need to share genes or a surname You are, you are My chosen, chosen family So what if we don't look the same? We been going through the same thing Yeah, you are, you are My chosen, chosen family

Saxan

Dorian Electra - Edgelord (ft. Rebecca Black)

We live in a society That's always lashing out at guys like me They pushed me to the edge, you see Never, never, never gonna come down One question, why so serious? Did I offend you? I'm so curious Ha, my identity's mysterious Never, never, never gonna come down 

Taylor Swift - this is me trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

The Weeknd - Save Your Tears (To Linnea)

You could've asked me why I broke your heart You could've told me that you fell apart But you walked past me like I wasn't there And just pretended like you didn't care

I don't know why I run away I make you cry when I run away

I made you think that I would always stay I said some things that I should never say Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine And now you won't love me for a second time

Taylor Swift - gold rush (From Linnea)

I don't like a gold rush, gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you  But I don’t like a gold rush

What must it be like To grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominos My mind turns your life into folklore I can't dare to dream about you anymore At dinner parties I won't call you out on your contrarian shit    

Vianiel

 Katy Perry - Daisies

They told me I was out there Tried to knock me down Took those sticks and stones Showed 'em I could build a house They tell me that I'm crazy But I'll never let 'em change me 'Til they cover me in daisies Daisies, daisies 

Billie Eilish - everything i wanted

I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter

Coulda been a nightmare But it felt like they were right there And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down

Selena Gomez - She

'Cause she was a girl with good intentions Yeah, she made some bad decisions And she learned a couple lessons Wish I could tell her

She didn't know all of the hurt she could take Her world was crumbling and so was her faith Wish I could talk to her, 'cause what I would say "Oh baby, you're enough to get you out of this place"

Taylor Swift - tolerate it (To Jurbiend)

I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listen, I polish plates until they gleam and glisten You're so much older and wiser and I

I wait by the door like I'm just a kid Use my best colors for your portrait Lay the table with the fancy shit And watch you tolerate it If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

Vyria

Rina Sawayama - Paradisin’

Paradisin' Living my best life, drivin' Drivin' you crazy Paradisin' Living my best life thrivin' You say I'm misbehaving But I'm just a kid, so save it Let me have an unforgettable time of my life

Lady Gaga - Free Woman

I'm not nothing without a steady hand I'm not nothing unless I know I can I'm still something if I don't got a man I'm a free woman 

[circumstellars]

This might actually come in two parts, because I thought of a small follow-up I want to do... maybe.

Small ficlet (1600ish words again) featuring Five & Ben, 12 years old. Features my headcanon/theory that Ben was killed by The Horror unexpectedly, not murdered by anyone else. I’m sorry I’m rusty with writing, as I said I don’t often do it anymore. All mistakes are my sad little failures. Inspired by this request by @five-fucking-hargreeves​:

1:07 AM

Five hated time.

Literally, time itself. The whole concept is genuinely bonkers and frankly, is an unnecessary evil. Anyone with a mouth will tell you time is like a river, a constant, gentle flow that is quick to escape through your fingers.

1:08 AM

Time was too slow for Five. Time was spilt molasses, a slow trail of amber creeping along a crease in the universe. Instead of swimming through it like water, time threatened to swallow Five up in its viscous, arcane pools.

He stood at its shoreline and glowered. Soon.

1:09 AM

Fucking finally. He held a deep breath in and patiently listened to the gentle orchestra of creaks and groans performed by their century old mansion.

Then, without fail: the timely, brisk footsteps of his father. Five rather thought his father's predictability was his biggest weakness. It's what he hopes will someday be his undoing (whether it should be at Five's own hands or not, he wasn't sure yet).

The steady sound of Sir Reginald's footsteps disappeared into his locked study.

Five rounded the corner, moving as lightly as he could on the pads of his toes. The marble floors felt like never-ending sheets of ice, but he knew he wouldn't make it the whole way in one jump; last time he ended up in the attic... locked from the outside. Honestly, that was pretty scary.

He swiftly made his way down the hall, past Diego, Allison and Klaus' respective rooms, and down the first 3 stairs of the main staircase before he was able to see the nearest entrance to the kitchen. Without stopping, Five took in a breath and jumped.

That wasn't so hard.

He was standing on the coils of the stove, but he was in the kitchen.

Five huffed in triumph and hopped off the stovetop. Studiously and nimbly he moved down the list, though his stomach howled at him to move it along already - he was twelve now and lately the portions at dinner were looking smaller and smaller. Knife. Plate. Mom insisted the only thing changing was Five himself, something about sprouting weeds, metaphors that make him roll his eyes every time. Bread. Marshmallows. Peanu-- Wait, what? Where is the peanut butter?

Five's brow creased with irritation.

'It's in the freezer.'

The yelp that escaped him was completely involuntary. Five snapped around, genuinely surprised to find his brother was sitting just out of reach of the yellow stove light. Ben was folded over on a stool, tucked away between a china cabinet and the freezer box. He inhaled wetly.

'Thanks,' Five said slowly, and he peered at Ben as he shuffled toward the freezer box. Ben didn't return his look. His brother wasn't in his pajamas, the same ones they all wore; Ben was still in the white linen shirt and trousers Mom had put him in earlier that day. Even in the dull glow of the stove light, Five saw the jagged path of dried blood that had soaked a crimson belt into Ben's midsection.

He'd had an accident on their mission today.

Five looked away and pulled the peanut butter out of the freezer box, careful to let the lid drop quietly. 'Why did you know it was in the freezer?'

Ben hesitated. His arms were crossed and he squeezed his biceps visibly tight. Five had always been very patient with Ben - he was one of the least annoying people in this house, and he might even admit he was rather fond of him at times. A decidedly resigned sigh echoed in the large, empty kitchen. 'Klaus. Don't tell on me.'

Five pretended to mull this request over. His brother is naïve; Five would rather chew on nail clippings than give up info to Klaus.

Besides, he liked Ben.

'Klaus is stupid. One wrong move and someone's going to tell Dad he sneaks out to smoke cigarettes.'

'Sometimes it's glue.'

'You can't smoke glue, Ben.'

Ben exhaled, though Five could tell he was stuffy with snot. 'He sniffs it, Five.'

In a rare bout of sheepishness, Five felt his cheeks warm. 'Whatever. Like I care what weird things that lunatic puts up his nose.' He waves the jar of peanut butter in a careless gesture. 'Unless it shuts him up, it's not working.'

Ben didn't respond. Things fell quiet around them.

A dull ache bloomed in Five's chest. He really didn't want to revisit today's incident. Usually they don't finish a mission with anything more than a scrape or a few bruises, so seeing Ben as heavily injured as he was secretly terrified Five. He shook his head and proverbially shed the darker thoughts. He shuffled uncomfortably on the freezing tile floor.

'Five.'

When Ben's voice came, it was painfully thin. He was still stooped over, his soft, black fringe obscuring his face at this angle.

'Yeah?'

'If... if it happens again, like really, really bad... are you-' Ben choked a bit. 'Are y-you going to have to kill me?'

Five's stomach dropped into the floor. The next breath he took in burned his lungs. The kitchen felt like it was shrinking. '... What?' The sound that came out was more air than word, and Five couldn't seem to feel his toes anymore.

'Five-'

'Why? Why would we do that? Why... why would you think that?' Five found his voice, but his words came out far more accusatory than he meant. He realised right away his anger wasn't with Ben: it was with himself. What in any holy deity's name had he done to make Ben think this garbage?

He didn't think twice about closing the gap between them with a jump. Five immediately dropped to his knees, letting the peanut butter go forgotten on the ground nearby.

Ben was sat a little taller than him in this position, and Five tried to catch his eyes with his own. He persisted, 'Why?'

He felt his brow falling and held as firm as he could to stop his expression from collapsing completely.

'I-I-If It doesn't stop, Five, if It doesn't stop you'll have to kill me, won't you!?' This time Ben was powerless against the tears. In the dim light Five caught sight of wayward tracks left from an earlier time dried on his brother's cheeks, but they quickly disappeared under fresh droplets that were racing toward his chin. Ben was sobbing with his whole chest, and Five channeled everything he was feeling into the tight balls of the fists held at his sides.

'Never. Understand me? Never.' He tentatively reached out, and as softly as he could grasped at Ben's knee. He willed as much as he could into that touch, trying as hard as possible to convey his words. 'Never.' If something did happen, Five would have to simply find another way to fix things; they all would have to. It's logical, the only right answer. Killing Ben was never on the table, Five would never allow something so ludicrous to be suggested by anyone in the first place.

Ben finally tilted his head upward, and the look in his eyes sent a sharp fracture straight through Five's heart. Big, fat teardrops were leaking from both of his brother's eyes. 'Please, please don't kill me...'

Faster than even Five has ever moved, Ben flung himself at Five and wrapped both arms in a vice grip around his midsection. It sent both brothers sliding back a bit on the tile, and instinctively Five in turn wrapped around Ben to keep them upright.

'Please, please, please. I'll get better, I will. Please, please...'

The tiny pleas were rough and stuttered and muffled into Five's neck, interrupted by sobs and hiccups. Words would never impart the relentless, tormenting nightmare of dying at his own siblings' hands.

They sat there on the kitchen floor for a time, Five cradling his brother awkwardly but tightly, knitted expression buried into Ben's tangled hair.

As the shaking in Ben's chest slowed, fury gave way to heartache for Five. Dad may have treated them like monsters, but he knew better. They were valuable. They were powerful. That scared Dad.

Five wasn't scared of Ben.

'It might happen,' he began after some time, his chin brushing the top of Ben's head as he spoke. 'But I'll be ready if it does.'

Ben pulled away just enough to wipe a long trail of snot away from his nose with a linen sleeve. 'How do you know?'

Five glanced at him, saying plainly, 'I'm faster.'

In truth, he was already planning to forgo sleep and work on equations in his room as soon as possible. He doesn't actually know how he would stop Ben from losing control of the beast inside him, but of one thing he was absolutely sure: he won't let Ben die. He will practice spatial jumps until every molecule in his body surrendered, until he can manipulate all of space-time itself: Ben will not die.

'Five -'

'I know. Dad doesn't know shit. Just trust me.' Five searched Ben's face, looking for any sign of understanding the confidence he has in this. 'Everything is going to be okay.' His left leg began to ache, asleep under his brother's weight, but he pointedly ignored it.

It took a moment, but following a shaky breath Ben whispered, 'Okay. Can you promise?'

Ben will not die.

"Yeah," Five pressed a feather-light touch to the brownish ribbons of dried blood on his brother's linen shirt, his eyes glazing over and sight disappearing into the fabric. 'I promise, Ben.'

---

Edit: fixed some tense mistakes and a couple spelling errors.

[void-tiger]

Tagged by @curiosity-killed (thanks for the tag!!)

roses or daisies:

DAISIES!!! They’re so simple and cheery have just as many colors and look delicate but are actually really tenacious? Also, how charming is Day’s Eye (and asters in general having the habit of facing eachother if they’re not turned towards the light--I think I have a picture of dahlias doing this from last autumn--and like. Star Flower. Okay, I’ll shut up now xD )

classical or lofi:

...okay so I admit I had to look this one up. But easily some of my favorite tracks are those Hidden Ones that bands plop onto their albums to fill up leftover space, but are often basically just scrapped recording or practice sessions? The bloopers and their creative process, basically. Cut to me googling and youtubing it and finding hiphop lofi and...yeah! Definitely Lofi.

(Classical vs OST and Modern Classical (that’s composed to be a lot more cinematic) just...really puts me on edge. It’s too mathematical...to put it nicely.)

So...yeah. Slow beats and something that sounds experimental or like a jamming session? It’s soothing and kinda ideal for background noise.

sunrises or sunsets:

Sunset. One, never ever gonna be a “morning person”. Forget it. Two, sunsets often have more dramatic colors and still make the landscape glow and you get to see stars peeping out vs fading. Also, y’know. I’m actually awake to appreciate it vs groggy and legit physically ill.

honey or lemon:

Honey as a condiment. Lemon for sweets flavor. (Baklava’s probably the exception...then again I haven’t had that many honey-flavored sweets, I guess? But Lemon-Poppyseed?? Definitely one of my favorites,)

coffee or tea:

Coffee. I adore tea service aesthetics and will someday probably collect them (especially the really quirky or earthen or blownglass ones vs the froufrou european ones)...buuuut, I just haven’t really had A Good Cuppa Tea much at all. There was this spiced tea I’ve had in Jordan that was AMAZING and I do like greentea (with...A LOT of sugar or honey...) but. I’ve just never really had tea. My family’s coffee drinkers, so the smell of coffee is nostalgic. (And yes, I’m basic enough that I prefer flavored, sweetened creamers; and my coffee brewed or spiced with, like, cinnamon and nutmeg, too. Or as a mocha.)

...I also have a Bad Habit of abandoning my Herbal “Teas” with the bags either left steeping too long (I have gotten better at using a timer) or while waiting for them to cool. And while I’d just really love it for Uncle Iroh to make me tea (provided he doesn’t get on my case about wanting sugar and maybe cream), the Times and Temperatures are just so dang fussy!! I...don’t think I have the patience for that.

enemies to lovers or friends to lovers:

Friends to Lovers. I just...don’t Get It with the sexual tension~ that seems to be the driving force behind enemies to lovers...I guess?? (That, and unless it’s literally on a battlefield, HARD PASS. I’ve had people try to blow off my complaints about getting repeatedly tormented as “he liiiiiikes you~” bullshit to ever be comfortable with it as anything but Legit Two Sides Of A Battle/Political Conflict. Sorry.)

But, Friends to Lovers? That Bond. And then the ...Oh. The domesticity and trust and safety. Also it is RIPE for Idiots to Lovers mutual pining xD

(bonus points if both parties decide ahead of time, “hey. even if dating doesn’t work out I still value your friendship in my life, so no pressure about ‘ruining things,’“ And then, of course, it does work out and there was nothing to be anxious about, after all.)

rainy days or sunny days:

...cop out but, overcast days with Soft Sunlight and Cloudbreaks?? I do like a clear skies sunny day, but, my eyes are also so sensitive to light that it can be painful. Rainy days can be soothing...but the rain has to be A Certain Way. Too heavy and with too much wind behind it and it can get me anxious. (My childhood home had Every Rain is Severe Weather...with no place to shelter. It’s gonna take awhile before i can appreciate it like i’d want.)

jupiter or mars:

Jupiter. GIANT. DEADLY. MARBLE (that wants to eeeaaat meeeee...) Also Pluto, and the jovian moons.

aphrodite or athena:

Athena!! She’s an ace icon, aight?? And also strikes me as...very, very Tired with everyone’s bullshit. Also...all the greek gods are kinda assholes. So. Yeah. She ain’t perfect and her characterization’s at the mercy of whatever myth in question, but generally she strikes me as practical and sensible and having Mercy...sometimes. As much as that group is capable of it, anyway...

rome or greece:

...probably Ancient Rome as a “ancient culture to explore but a YIKES (but. so is ancient greece.)” But visiting IRL in the present? Greece.

sun or moon:

Moon. I appreciate what the sun does and I do like feeling sunlight and all that...but, I’m also a night person. And I can look at the moon without risk of blindness and admire its corona and that rainbow corona you can see just a bit further out if you know where and how to look. BUT. The moon easily loses out to a starfield, especially if the light pollution and humidity are both low enough that ya get to actually see the milky way’s galaxy arm. (The irony that the sun IS our local star does not elude me.)

1920s or 1990s:

...neither?? 90s only slightly win out ‘cause I’m a ‘93 Kid and the 90s and 00s had some incredible toys and cartoons. And, idk. I still like overall pants and shorts. Always have. While a flapper dress would be “oooh pretty! starlight beading! Now OFF. Back to regular clothes for ‘Sporing or Comfy Lounging.”

blizzard or thunderstorm:

Blizzard. Also. Have you considered...thundersnow??

(Admittedly? I’ve also never been through a snowstorm that threatened by health&safety. The same cannot be said about thunderstorms when nearly every one could or would spawn tornados and severe straightline winds that could knock down trees and powerlines and sometimes even damage homes. While living in a home with NO safe place to shelter. Not even an interior closet or bathroom. NOT. FUN.)

midnight memories or made in the am:

...what?? [googles] ...OH...they’re...albums. UH. Neither?? (I don’t listen to them...?)

sage green or vanilla white:

Sage green. It’s kinda a nostalgic color somehow? Also. Just not a fan of monochrome...at all. I see it? I instantly want it to be a backdrop. Negative space. For COLOR. (jewel tones for whites/light neutrals and browns; NEONS for blacks and dark greys. Preference for Jewel Tones over Neons...wait. What was the question again??? OH YEAH..uh... I do like vanilla icecream? With rainbow sprinkles. Or...paired with hot fruit pie or cobbler. Or cookies. Um...yeah I should prolly shutup now. xD )

folklore or lover:

...I don’t...understand??? But...I like Folkslore as in...folklore??? Fairytales, Legends, Myths... (also, so frikkin ace I’m just. not ever gonna pick “lover”)

croissant or macaroon:

...why would you do this to me. I make a beeline for croissants because...Soft Flaky Buttery Bread. And they are So Good as a savory sandwich sorta thing. Easily better than english muffins or crumpets, tho biscuits have a fighting chance. But LIKE. Soft breads. My weakness as a kid.

...but a good macaroon?? It is so light and crisp and TINY and like?? how does it taste like coffee??? and berries????? (Too bad they are So EXPENSIVE. While even cheap croissants are almost always Good.)

ballgowns or pantsuits:

I like the aesthetics of a ballgown. But never the pricetag, I wouldn’t wanna live in that thing for more than an hour, tops (and. so much damn work!!) and I’m stuck looking at them Defying (boob) Physics and just...dying a little inside. With my rare It Pretty Want Pretty wilting with it. But...it’s rare that pantsuits really...look like anything. (They also look uncomfortable and yet another Wardrobe Disaster and Do I HAVE To??? if I think about...actually wearing them. But, Legs Free No Tripping...I guess??)

hades or zeus:

I only wanna EVER meet Zeus if I get to castrate the bastard and lock ‘im up where he’ll NEVER get back out. Hades, tho...I’m WATCHING you, Bub. (Why yes, I agree with Demeter on this one.)

platonic love or sensual love:

Platonic. Cuddling and Kissing are technically Sensual but, y’know what? They ain’t exclusive to sexual or romantic loves (and I just. really do not want kissing at all. MAYBE a quick kiss on the forehead or fingertips but LIKE. That’s it. And it’s cute af for...literally ANY Love Type.)

light academia or cottagecore:

Honestly? A mix between the two. Cottagecore with my charming little home with its overgrown flowerbed of wildflowers (and asters! All the asters) and produce grown in large pots or hanging baskets...and inside the walls are covered with overflowing shelves of books and knicknacks and other Neat Things. Oh, and naturally a tea service (might not actually have tea in it...) and tons of pillows and blankets, and lamps and lanterns Everywhere for warm and soft (and colorful) light to read by while music plays softly in the background. And the home smells like something I just made for Supper or Snacks, or like a food-scented candle.

-

Aaaaaand tagging @mckinlily @headspacedad @aairachnid @synergetic-prose and whoever else wants to play! No obligation to play if tagged.

[violet-witch-6]

Extra scene for “The Third Robin” that got cut for redundancy and pacing, can be read standalone

When one spends an extended amount of time with Batman, one learns to be comfortable with long silences.

Tim knows through second hand anecdotes and one very memorable security tape that Babs sent him in his ‘welcome to the Batfamily’ gift-basket (read: survival kit) that Dick filled the silences with a non-stop stream of chatter, sometimes holding entire conversations without B ever saying a word.

Jason preferred to fill the silences with music. Loud rock n’ roll beats usually, but every once in a while he’d throw in something unexpected. British punk, Taylor Swift, Musicals… Jason was nothing if not spontaneous.

Tim doesn’t use either of these tactics. Frankly, he prefers the silence. It helps him think just as much as it helps Bruce. And anyway, words are extraneous. Who needs small talk when their time would be better utilized thinking over the case separately so that their thought process’ can remain uncontaminated until they pool ideas later in the cave?

Besides, Tim has found that it breeds a specific kind of closeness to just be able to sit in silence with someone without it being awkward. An understanding and vulnerability that comes from immersing yourself in your thoughts in the presence of another person.

And anyway, words have always been Tim’s weapons. He shouldn’t need those with someone he’s close to. Or, that’s the idea anyway.

Tonight is different. Tonight they are not silent because of their mutual understanding and respect for one another’s thoughts, but because Tim is busy willing the Batmobile to drive faster so he can get away from Bruce and into someplace more private.

Once he gets there, he’s not sure what he’ll do. Shut down probably. It’s how he usually handles his emotions.

They pull into the cave and Tim all but jumps from the car, making quick strides to get to his station at the computer so he can type up his report before Bruce gets any stupid ideas like talking about it. Not that Tim expects the old man to ever acknowledge what happened.

He’s not even sure what Bruce would say about it that wouldn’t sound hollow and cheap.

So he speeds through his report in record time and nearly falls on his face because he’s moving too fast in the shower. When he’s finally in civies again and ready to go, he pauses behind the computer chair where Bruce is still hunched over his own report, moving almost comically slowly in contrast to Tim’s breakneck speed.

Tim clears his throat. “I’m going to head out. I’ll see you tomorrow night Bruce.”

He turns on his heel to leave, but at the last second Bruce’s voice stops him. “Wait.”

He considers leaving anyway, but he’s not quite willing to disobey Bruce over something so simple. He doesn’t like doing things in half measures, and his teenage rebellion, if and when it comes, will be no exception. “Yes?”

Bruce hesitates, possibly considering retreat, but in the end, he barrels forward with all his usual social ineptitude. “About what happened—”

“Slip of the tongue.” Tim cuts him off smoothly, stopping what would have been an awkward and emotionally stunted moment.

What he wants to do is scream because Bruce called him Jason. What he wants to do is ask if he’s still not good enough even after he’s proven himself time and again through his detective work. What he wants to do is rage at Bruce for saying out loud what Tim already knew was true.

He’s a placeholder. A prescription balm that Bruce is using to soothe the pain of losing Jason. He’s not Robin. Not in the ways that count, because he’s not Bruce’s son. His parents are still alive and well, wherever the hell they are.

But he can’t yell or get angry because this is what he signed up for. He went in knowing he’d be the third in a line of many, little more than an inconsequential blip in the history of Gotham’s vigilantes, but he’d screwed up and gotten himself attached. Between the success he’s had as a detective and Bruce’s slowly but steadily warming nature, Tim had just started to believe maybe they were more than partners forced on each other.

You’d think he’d be used to disappointments by now, but they never seem to stop hurting.

Bruce twists around in his chair to finally look at Tim, his brows drawn together in a tight frown. “Tim—“

“It’s not your fault.” Tim smiles at him to show he means it, but it doesn’t come out right. He’s gotten so used to his smiles being at least an approximation of real that the perfect display of teeth Janet drilled into his head feels disjointed and wrong. “We’re both tired. It’s probably best if I just go home to get some rest and we forget about the whole thing. Goodnight, Bruce.”

He’s gone before Bruce can reply.

Alfred, however, has faster reflexes. “Before you go Master Timothy, I made a lovely rhubarb pie. I insist you take some home with you.” Tim hesitates. He made it out of the cave and still wants to complete his desperate flee from the manor, but Alfred hasn’t done anything wrong, and Tim just doesn’t have it in him to refuse the old butler.

He’ll make it quick. “Okay, sure.” He allows Alfred to silently lead him to the kitchen, trying not to look like the skittish puppy he is.

Alfred pulls out an already packaged pie for Tim to take, but when Tim grabs it, he doesn’t let go. “There is something I wished to discuss with you.”

He should have known it was a trap. A sweet, delicious trap. “Yes Alfred?” Tim asks tiredly, suddenly missing his bed very dearly.

“I fear Master Bruce has behaved rather thoughtlessly this evening and I want to ensure you are alright.”

It takes a moment for the words to register. Alfred is… checking on him. Strange. Tim swallows past the marble in his throat to reply, “I really am fine. I know he doesn’t… he’s in pain. I can take it.” This time his smile is a little more convincing, if a little wetter.

Alfred looks at him sadly. “If you can take it is not the issue. The issue is that you should not have to.”

It shouldn’t be a miraculous statement, and there is no reason Alfred’s sympathetic words should rock Tim’s whole world view, but of all the things that have happened in Tim’s life, the good and the bad, whether or not he deserves them has never even crossed his mind.

He’s never viewed himself as a victim, or even a child. His suffering just hasn’t been as important as everyone else’s. He’s never thought that was a strange viewpoint until this moment.

For once, Tim’s expression gives away everything that’s happening in his head, and Alfred reads it like a book. “You don’t deserve to live in his shadow. You deserve to be seen as your own person.”

“Am I my own person?” he blurts, like a toddler grasping for any reassurance no matter how baseless. He hates sounding like that, but the dam has been broken and Tim couldn’t stop now if he tried. “I don’t feel like I am. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle held together by sheer force of will and luck that’s going to run out someday. My pieces aren’t mine. I’m not me. I’m… I’m a byproduct of all their sins. Mother’s, father’s, Bruce’s, even Dick and Jason’s. Alfred, I can’t tell what’s me and what’s a reflection. I’m—” He can’t breathe. His lungs ache like he hasn’t had air in several minutes. The panic in his voice has been building and now it’s breaking over him like a tidal wave that’s threatening to wash him away.

Alfred’s eyes are watery with sympathetic pain and the pie lays forgotten on the counter. He reaches out like he might touch Tim or hug him, but Tim flinches violently away.

“I’m s-sorry.” He stutters, eyes wide and horrified at his own involuntary response.

Alfred just shakes his head. “It is I who must apologize. I am sorry for this pain.”

Despite the shakiness he feels in his very core, Tim snorts. “It’s not your fault.”

“Perhaps not, but someone must apologize for what has been done to you.”

Tim freezes. The watery edge of his panic is turning sharp and dangerous. “No, it’s my fault. I’m the one who did this.”

For a moment, Alfred just looks at him. He doesn’t rush to tell Tim he’s wrong—even if his expression makes his feelings clear enough—he just looks at him. “You are stronger than anyone gives you credit for, Master Timothy, but strength has limits. I beg of you not to test them.”

Tim can only nod, glassy eyes reflecting the warm kitchen lights. He desperately needs out and away from this conversation, but at the same time he wants nothing more than to stay, and let the rest of what he’s been feeling break free. He can’t do that though because he’s scared if he does, he’ll never be able to put it all away again.

At length, he croaks, “Thank you,” as sincerely as he can with a voice that sounds weaker and rougher than he’s comfortable with. The words can’t possibly express his gratitude for Alfred in this moment, but he doesn’t know how else to show it.

To Tim’s eternal relief, Alfred doesn’t comment. He only hands Tim the pie, and lets him go.

[osakaso5]

Spirit Kaleidoscope: Empty Absolution

Chapter 24 - A Burning Red Promise

Chapter Index

Ten Years Earlier

Fuuka's Mother: Fuuka. Go play in the woods for a bit. We came all the way to the villa for your father's vacation.

Fuuka: No, thank you. I'm practicing.

Fuuka's Mother: ...Rest, just for today. I won't tell your father. Here, you can have this.

Fuuka: This is... A kaleidoscope..?

Fuuka's Mother: If you through the glass marble on the pointed end, everything around you reflects in it beautifully.

Fuuka's Mother: Knowing you, you must not own any toys. Play with this.

Fuuka: .........

- - - -

Fuuka: A kaleidoscope... I came to the woods, because Mother told me...

Fuuka: But in all honesty, I think playing with something like this is a waste of time. ........

Fuuka: Hmm... It really does reflect everything around me.

Fuuka: Haha. There's so many of the same tree. When I look into it while walking, the forest keeps changing...

Fuuka: .....! ...Huh..?

Fuuka: ...The forest... It suddenly changed into buildings..?

Fuuka: ........!? ...Why am I in a city..? I was just in the woods...

Fuuka: ...Mother..? Where is everyone..?

Yokai: Move it, boy. You're blocking the road.

Fuuka: ......!

Yokai: ...Hmm? What's this? Isn't this child... a human?

Yokai: Oh dear, you're right. Did he wander into here?

Yokai: I guess we've got no choice but to take him to the katanashu...

Fuuka: They grabbed my arm..! Are they planning to take me somewhere!?

Fuuka: Let me go...

Slap!

Yokai: ...That hurt, you brat! Hey! Where are you going..!?

Yokai: Wait..!

Forest on the Outskirts of Town - Big Maple Tree

Fuuka: Huff, huff, huff..! ...They're no after me... Haah...

Fuuka: Did I lose them..? I ran all the way to this forest. It doesn't look like I'm near our vacation home...

Fuuka: That city and its people were abnormal. There's some kind of creepy, dark fog floating around... ...Where in the world am I?

Fuuka: ........ ...I'm not scared... This is nothing...

Rustle...

Fuuka: .....! ...Hah... Oh, it was just a bird...

Fuuka: ......... ........

Fuuka: Mother, Father...

Sluurp...

Fuuka: .....! What is it this time..?

Fuuka: ........ Did it come from over there..?

Fuuka: Wow, a bright red maple tree... It's so big...

Fuuka: What an amazing tree. It was so close by, and I didn't even notice it.

Fuuka: And... Something smells good...

Sluurp...

Fuuka: That's...

Ungaikyo: ...Sluurp. Yum...

Fuuka: He's eating cup ramen... Why is he sitting in the tree..?

Fuuka: ........ I've never seen that person before,  but something about him bothers me... I wonder why...

Fuuka: I can't look away... I feel like I'm suffocating...

Snap!

Fuuka: ........

Ungaikyo: Hmm...? Is someone there..?

Fuuka: He saw me..!

Ungaikyo: .....! ...That face...

Fuuka: Face..?

Ungaikyo: Ah, no... ...It can't be...

Ungaikyo: Why would a human kid be here..? Are you crying?

Fuuka: I'm not! ........

Ungaikyo: Yeah, you are.

Rumble...

Fuuka: Ah...

Ungaikyo: ...That was loud. You hungry?

Fuuka: ........

Ungaikyo: ...Your clothes are a mess, too. Covered in mud.

Fuuka: I ran all around the city... And I fell when I escaped.

Ungaikyo: ........ Was somebody chasing you?

Fuuka: Yeah.

Ungaikyo: ........ I see...

Rumble...

Ungaikyo & Momiji: ........

- - - -

Fuuka: Sluurp...

Ungaikyo: Well? Isn't cup ramen yummy?

Fuuka: ...No. It's cold, and the noodles are all swollen up.

Ungaikyo: ...Huh!? But if it's hot, you'll get burned, and soft noodles are easier to eat.

Ungaikyo: I gave you halfsies because I felt sorry for you... If it's so bad, then don't eat!

Fuuka: I'll just have to bear with it.

Ungaikyo: ...You're so annoying... I knew I shouldn't give you anything.

Fuuka: Too late for that.

Ungaikyo: ...You brat...

Ungaikyo: Sigh... I know I already asked this,   but what's a human kid like you doing here?

Ungaikyo: You look completely normal... So you shouldn't be able to come to Hikagemachi.

Fuuka: ...Normal?

Ungaikyo: ...No, forget it. You probably just wandered in. Explaining won't do any good.

Fuuka: ...Yes, it will. I'll understand just fine, if you tell me.

Ungaikyo: No, you won't. Humans shouldn't know anything about this world. Besides, you're just a kid.

Fuuka: ...Don't treat me like a child. And don't call me "you". I've got a proper name, it's Fuuka.

Ungaikyo: Fuuka, huh. Hmm. Haha... I knew it, you don't understand anything about this place.

Ungaikyo: You shouldn't tell other people your name when you're here.

Fuuka: ...Why?

Ungaikyo: Well... A lot of reasons.

Fuuka: That's too vague. ...What's your name?

Ungaikyo: ...Ungaikyo.

Fuuka: Hmph. You told me your name, too. It's a pretty strange one, though.

Ungaikyo: It's not strange! And this name is fine for me to say. Since it's not my real name.

Fuuka: ...Huh? That's not fair! Tell me your real name!

Ungaikyo: No! ...And stop glaring at me. You're scary for a kid...

Ungaikyo: ........

Fuuka: ...What? You're staring at me.

Ungaikyo: No... It's just, you look even more alike when you're angry. Though the guy I saw was older... and scarier...

Fuuka: .....?

Ungaikyo: ...It's nothing. In any case, I'll take you near the katanashu station.

Ungaikyo: You'll be able to find them yourself. They'll get you home.

Fuuka: What's a katanashu?

Ungaikyo: A human with a sword. When they find humans in this world, they send them back to the other world.

Fuuka: The other world..?

Ungaikyo: Yep, the other world. ...That's why I don't wanna see them. If they find me, I'll have to go back...

Ungaikyo: Even though I have no place to go...

Fuuka: ........ You keep talking nonsense. Humans... Of course they're humans.

Ungaikyo: It's not nonsense. Other than the katanashu, I'm pretty much the only human around here.

Ungaikyo: ...Though I'm just half human.

Fuuka: ......... What were the people I met earlier, if not humans..?

Ungaikyo: Yokai.

Fuuka: ......!

Ungaikyo: Haha. Are you scared of yokai, despite acting all tough?

Fuuka: ...I'm not scared.

Ungaikyo: You don't have to lie.

Fuuka: I'm not scared! ...I don't even know if you're telling the truth. You might be trying to fool me!

Ungaikyo: Wow. I told you, and this is how you thank me. ...I kinda wish it wasn't true sometimes, too...

Ungaikyo: If I could at least become like them...

Fuuka: "Them"..? You want to be a yokai?

Ungaikyo: I'm a slave to my sins, so I'll always be a human. ...That's what this mirror told me.

Fuuka: That mirror?

Ungaikyo: Yeah. It also told me that I'd be able to become like the people in town if I just let all of it go.

Fuuka: ...Mirrors can't talk.

Ungaikyo: Sure, they can. Not a lot, but when he feels like it. About once every ten years... Or maybe not even that much?

Ungaikyo: I dunno if he's lying or not... But I just don't wanna meet the katanashu.

Fuuka: ........

Ungaikyo: ...You don't get it. I knew I shouldn't have told you.

Fuuka: ...I do get it. To put it simply, you're a coward who's too afraid to go see the people with swords.

Ungaikyo: ...Huh? That's totally wrong! Besides, I've got a sword, too.

Ungaikyo: A sword..! Really?

Ungaikyo: Uh... Yeah, but... ...You seem excited all of a sudden. And really happy.

Fuuka: Show it to me.

Ungaikyo: Why do you look so happy..? ...Do you have a thing for swords, or something?

Fuuka: Of course. I want to have my own blade someday!

Ungaikyo: ........ Haha... I guess I'll have to show you, then...

Ungaikyo: Here!

Fuuka: .....! A sword came from the mirror..!?

Ungaikyo: Hehe. I bet you didn't see that coming.

Fuuka: Wow! What was that? A sleight of hand!?

Ungaikyo: It's not some kind of trick... Wait, you're not even listening.

Fuuka: Incredible... It's such a nice blade... Very old... And you tie it around your waist.

Fuuka: It must not come loose easily. ...Have you been maintaining it properly?

Ungaikyo: I repair it sometimes... But it's not like I ever use it.

Ungaikyo: I've even thought of throwing it away lots of times...

Fuuka: Why!? It's such a fine blade!

Ungaikyo: Wawa..! Stop interrogating me! ...I've got a lot going on.

Fuuka: You keep saying that.

Ungaikyo: Shut up.

Fuuka: ........ Hey, can I touch it..?

Ungaikyo: ...No. You can look,  but not touch. I may wanna throw it  away... But it has more value than my  life, at the very least.

Fuuka: I see... Okay.

Ungaikyo: I didn't think you'd be so obedient.

Fuuka: It's valuable, right? We have old swords back home, too. ...I'm not allowed to touch them yet.

Fuuka: A heirloom blade is the symbol of our family head. It's a valuable that I'm not allowed to touch until I'm an adult, and succeed the current head...

Ungaikyo: ...The symbol of your  family head?

Fuuka: Yeah. It's a great blade that's helped our ancestors cut off the heads of countless enemy generals!

Ungaikyo: Does... Your family from a samurai lineage?

Fuuka: Yeah. When I inherit that blade, I become the head of the Tachibana family!

Ungaikyo: ......... ...Tachibana..?

Ungaikyo: Your name is Tachibana..?

Fuuka: ...Yes..?

Ungaikyo: ........ Fuuka... Tachibana... And, that face...

Ungaikyo: ...You can't be...

Fuuka: ...What's wrong? You look tense all of a sudden... And you're sweating a lot..?

Ungaikyo: ......... Don't touch me..!

Slap!

Fuuka: Huh..!?  

Ungaikyo: ........ Ah, no...

Ungaikyo: ...I'm taking you to the katanashu right now.

Fuuka: What's gotten into you? You look pale...

Ungaikyo: I'm fine! Let's go...

- - - -

Ungaikyo & Fuuka: ........

Fuuka: ...Ungaikyo. Is this trail really the right way? It feels like we're going deeper into the woods...

Ungaikyo: ........ This is the right way.

Fuuka: Okay...

Ungaikyo: ........

Fuuka: What's going on? When I talked about my family, he went quiet... And he's really tense now...

Fuuka: The air feels heavy. I'm tired from all this walking...

Fuuka: Oh, right. I still have the kaleidoscope I got from Mother. Looking at it might at least make me feel better...

Click...

Fuuka: The sound of a blade..?

Fuuka: ...What's wrong, Ungaikyo?

Ungaikyo: .....! W-what..? Don't turn this way without giving me a heads up...

Fuuka: ...Why are you getting your sword ready?

Ungaikyo: .....!? You saw? But you're looking into the kaleidoscope...

Fuuka: This is a kaleidoscope that reflects whatever I point it at. I can see you clear as day.

Ungaikyo: .........

Fuuka: Haha. There's so many Ungaikyos. It's funny.

Ungaikyo: ......... Is that so.

Fuuka: Do you want to take a look, too? Consider it a thanks for the noodles and for guiding me. I'll let you borrow it.

Fuuka: Though the noodles did taste bad.

Ungaikyo: ...Shut up. And don't hold that thing out at me... I don't need it.

Fuuka: Just a peek. Come on. Take it.

Ungaikyo: ......... Your hands are tiny.

Fuuka: Huh?

Ungaikyo: Like maple leaves. ...It makes the kaleidoscope look bigger. Since you're so small.

Ungaikyo: ........

Ungaikyo: ...You're just a kid...

Fuuka: ...Ungiakyo?

Ungaikyo: ......... ...I knew I couldn't do it. I...

Ungaikyo: Even if he's my enemy... He's just a child...

Fuuka: Ungaikyo..? You're crouching... Does your stomach hurt?

Ungaikyo: ...Shut up!

Fuuka: ...Haha.

Ungaikyo: .....! Again with that kaleidoscope... Stop laughing!

Fuuka: I’m laughing because you're the one who's crying this time.

Ungaikyo: ...No, I'm not. Though I feel terrible...

Ungaikyo: A kid like you... It would've been so easy, too.

Ungaikyo: I've been waiting for this moment for so long. Probably hundreds of years now... And I still can't fulfill my duty...

Fuuka: ...You really are crying. You're good at looking pathetic.

Ungaikyo: I told you to shut up...

Fuuka: Pretty...

Ungaikyo: ........ Pretty..? I am..?

Fuuka: Yeah. You're shining and glittering... Fufu. It's really pretty.

Ungaikyo: ........ Shining...

Ungaikyo: ........ Can you... See it..?

Fuuka: ...Ungaikyo? Your face looks tense, what's wrong..?

Ungaikyo: ........

Ungaikyo: Fuuka Tachibana!

Fuuka: ........ His voice... It's echoing in my head...

Ungaikyo: Listen to me, Fuuka. You're going to return to the human world right now.

Fuuka: ...Return? To the human world..?

Ungaikyo: Right now..! ...I'm scared of you, Fuuka. Why did you have to wander in here..!?

Ungaikyo: When I look at you... ...I have to face my sins, whether I want to or not...

Ungaikyo: If I look pretty to you, then that's my sin...

Ungaikyo: You saw the sins weighing on me glow like sea sparkles... ...You're my enemy, and you saw their light...

Ungaikyo: Otherwise, there's no way I could look pretty! ...You saw my sins through this kaleidoscope!

Fuuka: Kaleidoscope...

Ungaikyo: If you stay with me, we'll end up having to fight.

Fuuka: Having to, fight..?

Ungaikyo: That's right! Because we're enemies..!

Fuuka: Enemies...

Ungaikyo: Tachibana... My family's sworn enemies have the same name. ...And even though you're a kid, you look so much like that man that it scares me...

Ungaikyo: It proves that the blood of the people who destroyed my family runs through your veins.

Fuuka: .........

Ungaikyo: ...So go home, Fuuka. The next time you wake up, you should be in your house again...

Fuuka: What're you, saying..? ...Your voice... It's making me... Really sleepy...

Ungaikyo: Good night, Fuuka. ...Don't wander in here again.

Fuuka: ...Wait. I don't want to sleep... I haven't heard...

Fuuka: ...Your... Your real name...

Ungaikyo: ........

Ungaikyo: My real name is...

Forest Plaza - Stage

Momiji: ...Huff! I've got your neck now..!

Ungaikyo: ...Not so fast!

Clang!

Momiji: ...You dodged. For someone who probably hasn't fought in a while, your swordsmanship is good.

Ungaikyo: Compliments won't make me go easy on you. I'll be taking your life.

Momiji: Hmph, I'd like to see you try... Ah!

Whoosh! ...Clang!

Ungaikyo: ...Nice block! But... My strength gives me an advantage here..!

Momiji: He's close..! ...Ugh... Too strong..!

Ungaikyo: I'm going to overpower you..!

Momiji: Ugh... ...I won't let you..!

Clang...

Ungaikyo: .....! Deflected..!

Momiji: ...Huff, huff..!

Ungaikyo: ...You're strong. I thought you'd be weaker than me, but I guess you're not all talk.  

Momiji: Right back at you. You fight bravely for such a coward.

Momiji: I must commend the swordsmanship of the Inui family's firstborn son.

Ungaikyo: .....! That name...

Ungaikyo: Did you hear me back then..?

Momiji: Right before I fell unconscious. ...Don't worry. I won't call you that before this battle is over.

Momiji: I'm not an ignorant child anymore.

Ungaikyo: Hah... I wouldn't have told you if I'd known we were gonna meet again.

Momiji: It was stupid of you to reveal your weakness like that, despite knowing the power true names hold.

Ungaikyo: True... But even if I didn't want to see you again, you're still my sworn enemy...

Ungaikyo: That might be why I wanted my name to leave a mark. As proof that I lived as a human... and a samurai.

Ungaikyo: Even though I knew your memories of it would be erased.

Momiji: It looks like your wish came true. ...Your words from back then definitely left a mark on my soul.

Momiji: It even helped me remember that you were my nemesis.

Ungaikyo: ...Don't tell me... It's because I said we were enemies...

Momiji: No. It didn't work as a hint like that. I'm not sure how to describe it... But I know that much.

Momiji: Your words just triggered something in my mind. A response that I couldn't get from anyone... but myself.

Momiji: ...The joy I feel in fighting you is all mine. Nobody else's.

Ungaikyo: ........ Haha. You really are scary.

Ungaikyo: But I've been waiting for this, too. This blade must've brought you here.

Momiji: That blade... You haven’t thrown it away.

Ungaikyo: ...I thought about doing it lots of times. But I couldn't...

Ungaikyo: As long as I had this, I could strike at my enemies someday. I might be able to dispel the grudges of my comrades... I couldn't help holding on to that hope.

Ungaikyo: I abandoned them all in that battle, and ran... Without even turning to look back at the burning castle...

Ungaikyo: Because I thought I'd be able to atone for that sin later...

Ungaikyo: You were just a kid back then, so I couldn't bring myself to kill you. ...But you're not anymore.

Ungaikyo: I can fight you fair and square. ...I must have been living for this moment!

Momiji: I should give my thanks to your blade, then. It kept you alive in this world...

Momiji: So we could battle.

Ungaikyo: Yeah. I'll fulfill my final duty as a warrior..!

Ungaikyo: Prepare yourself, Momiji!

Momiji: ...Come, Ungaikyo! I'll rid you of your life and your sins!

Momiji & Ungaikyo: Uooooh...!

...Clang! Slash!

Momiji: ...Ugh..!

Ungaikyo: ......!

Ungaikyo: ...My, hah...! My, blade... Ugh...

Ungaikyo: Ugh...

Thud..!

Ungaikyo: .........

Momiji: Huff, huff, huff...

Momiji: ...It's over..?

Ungaikyo: .........

The Yokai: Commotion...

Aoi: Ungaikyo collapsed..! And his sword broke...

Uta: ...Does that mean... We...

Karasutengu: ...It looks like the match is over. Ungaikyo and Momiji... The winner of their match is Momiji, of the katanashu!

Momiji: ......!

Karasutengu: In other words, the victory of this tournament goes to the katanashu!

Aoi & Uta: ......!

The Yokai: Aaaaagh..!

Onibi: Huh!? We lost!?

Onibi: One more round..! ...Do one more round! This time, we'll make sure to beat them!

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: Oh, dear... ...Fufu. Now this is interesting.

Yokai: The humans beat us yokai..!

Yokai: Bullshit! I just lost a ton of money!

Yokai: I won't stand for this outcome!

Uta: Whoa... They're booing really loud...

Aoi: Even though we won, it still came to this... Tsk. This  is exactly why I hate yokai...

Karasutengu: Ugh... Quiet down, all of you! Do you want me to blow away this entire forest!?

Karasutengu: If you keep whining, I'll be the one to fight you!

The Yokai: Commotion...

Karasutengu: Finally, some quiet. Now that that's taken care of...

Kamaitachi: Wait just a second! I object to this tournament!

Karasutengu: Huh!? What now!?

Onibi: Kamaitachi! Where have you been!?

Karasutengu: You've got some nerve, Kamaitachi. Do you want to be blown away, too?

Kamaitachi: No. I've brought the culprit behind the attacks!

Karasutengu: ...What?

Kamaitachi: It's this guy!

Madoka: ...Ow, ow! Don’t pull so hard. 

Uta: Huh!? Madoka!?

Aoi: The culprit... Are you serious..?

Kamaitachi: No doubt about it. Apparently he had some kind of complicated reason for doing it, but... We'll just have him confess everything right here!

Madoka: ...Huh? Here!? I know I agreed to explain myself, but this is kind of a bad spot...

Madoka: All the yokai around us look murderous... There's no way this won't just get more complicated!

Kamaitachi: Aren't you just looking for an excuse to run again? I won't let you.

Madoka: No, I'm... You're such a thick-headed hedgehog!

Kamaitachi: I'm a weasel!

Karasutengu: Hmm... It seems like there's a story to all of this. ...But too bad for you, Kamaitachi.

Karasutengu: The katanashu aren't guilty of the attacks.

Madoka & Kamaitachi: ...Huh?

Kamaitachi: But why..? He's confessing his crimes!

Karasutengu: As a denizen of Hikagemachi, you should know better than that. Might makes right around here.

Kamaitachi: .....!

Karasutengu: Whoever wins is in the right. Whoever wins is acquitted. That was what we agreed on before the tournament.

Karasutengu: That means that as long as the katanashu won, they're not the culprits. ...Even if they really did start trouble.

Kamaitachi: Ugh... I know, but...

Karasutengu: Fufufu. You've got a lot of growing up to do.

Kamaitachi: ......... Damn it...!

Momiji: Huff, huff...

Uta: Great job, Momiji! You really won!

Momiji: Uta! And Aoi, too...

Aoi: Well done. ...Though it's hard for me to be happy, what with everything Madoka's apparently done. And the commanders still haven't returned...

Uta: We can worry about them later! We won!

Momiji: ...We won...

Momiji: ...I see, so I've defeated him...

Ungaikyo: ........ I lost...

Ungaikyo: ...Ow... The place he cut me... It hurts so much that I can't get up...

Ungaikyo: ...Sorry. I couldn't defeat our enemy... And I broke my sword...

Ungaikyo: But...

Ungaikyo: I can see the sky from behind the trees... It's really blue.

Ungaikyo: Was the sky always this pretty?

Ungaikyo: ...Pfft... Haha...

Ungaikyo: Ah... This feels nice...

Karasutengu: Now! Ladies and gentlemen! Each battle had their own unique, fascinating style. It was an honor for me to observe.

Karasutengu: But even the grandest of festivals must come to an end. The fight has been settled! It isn't all over yet, but...

Karasutengu: This concludes the tournament between yokai and katanashu!

The End.

[slut4supersoldiers]

Happy And Sad

Pairing: Stucky

Summary: 

A world where Thanos has been defeated and everyone is still alive. Things are normal and Steve and Bucky are still pining over each other. But maybe Tony’s party might bring them a little closer to admitting their feelings. 

OR

Happiness is fleeting and so is sadness. And bucky is aware of that. But for once he just wants to be happy. Even if it's not permanent. Based on Kacey Musgraves: Happy and Sad. 

Words: 1k+

Warning: If you don’t ship Stucky then don’t read this! Also: Alcohol consumption and major pining.

Rating: F for fluff, A for (slight angst)

A/n: my first stucky piece and first work after a very long time. Please be kind and please leave some feedback. x

I DO NOT OWN: THE PICTURE THE SONG OR MARVEL

Tony has thrown yet another party. A ball room decked in decorations; lights and chandeliers and happy faces. Pristine marble floors and a fountain with crystal clear water (or is that champagne?) right in the centre of the room. Guests; superheroes, agents, family and friends all dressed to the nines, black tie of course. And Bucky is standing in the corner of the room. 

A forlorn expression; a thousand yard stare. He is fidgeting nervously. Left hand covered completely (in spite of the disapproving look from Shuri). His long hair is conditioned and tied in a low man bun, although stubborn strands still fall on his face. He is nursing a glass of whisky. Nothing gets him drunk because of the damning super soldier serum but he loves the burn from the whisky. Imagines himself getting inebriated enough to forget the pain. 

He can hear music being played but he doesn’t recognise it. Doesn’t recognise anyone. Yes he knows everyone but doesn’t really know anyone. Do they know him? No one does. 

He is about to swallow another sip of the amber liquid, willing himself to push the pain away but his breath gets caught in his throat.

It's not you, it's the glow of the party

The way that you've got me lit up inside

It's the song that they're playin', the words that you're sayin'

It's never felt so right

There in the throng of the guests he sees a familiar face. A very familiar face. A very familiar person. His person. His Stevie.

Dressed in a velvet blue tuxedo, hair gelled back, a very light scattering of stubble adoring his sharp jaw and high cheeks. Bucky thinks he rather likes the look. And by the looks of it so do all the women who suddenly gravitate towards America’s golden boy. Bucky doesn’t blame them. Instead he breathes a sigh and chugs the drink along with the harsh truth, that it’s not his Steve anymore. Probably never was…

Sulking, he is about to turn and walk towards the guest room (that Tony hesitantly offered him for the night) when he hears someone call his name and that familiar feeling of his world coming to a halt takes over him. Steve.

And I'm the kind of person who starts getting kinda nervous

When I'm having the time of my life

“Buck, where are you going? Join us?” Almost hesitantly Steve asks.

And Bucky turns around. The soft voice leaving Steve’s lips like Siren’s music to him.

He looks at Steve, really looks at him. He is still that scrawny little punk from Brooklyn, he thinks. Charming, stubborn and god damn beautiful. 

“Buck?” Steve raises his eyebrows in concern. 

Is there a word for the way that I'm feeling tonight?

Happy and sad at the same time

You got me smiling with tears in my eyes

And Bucky gives in.

Joins the former captain and mingles with everyone. Or as any bystander would’ve said, spends the night making heart eyes at the Adonis like a blond man who refused to leave the former Sergeant’s side the whole night.

As the clock nears midnight, the party begins to lose its swing. New agents, and other guests having already left it’s only the avengers and their new comrades relaxing and talking, appreciating being reunited. No one addresses the lost time, the tragedies; the nightmares that will come later are reminder enough so everyone enjoys the company instead.

So does Bucky. With Sam by his side and Nat, his Natalia, sitting beside him, chugging a bottle of vodka like water, Bucky feels comfortable but he is still on the edge. Almost as if he knows that this will be taken away from him someday. That’s his life. Nothing good ever lasts. Nothing good is ever permanent. A forlorn look. A thousand yard stare.

I never felt so high

No, I've never been this far off of the ground

And they say everything that goes up must come down

But I don't wanna come down

“You’re doing it again.” Nat says.

“What?” Bucky asks.

“That lost puppy look. We won Barnes. It’s time to celebrate. We can sulk later.” She raises a well groomed eyebrow at her.

Natalia, always the snarky one. He chuckles and shakes his head as she offers him the bottle.

“10 o clock, sarge! Lover boy is closing in on us.” Nat nudges Bucky. And he is suddenly alert. Doesn’t notice Sam and Nat slowly sneaking away. Doesn’t notice the red covering his cheeks. Doesn’t notice the way Steve’s eyes take him in; adoration, love, lust, longing.

“What is this? The famous James Buchanan Barnes, not dancing?” Steve jokes. Tries to make the situation lighter.

And Bucky feels lighter. Like he is floating on air but that might have to do with how close Steve is standing to him. Shoulders touching, hands brushing against each other.

“You got the wrong guy!” Bucky shrugs half heartedly.

“No. I’ve got the right one.” Steve looks at Bucky. Cerulean eyes stare into each other. Lips parted, slightly. Awaiting.

So is there a way to stop all this thinkin', just keep on drinkin'?

'Cause I don't wanna wake up

When they're turnin' the lights on and it turns out the joke's on me

'Cause it feels so right

Suddenly Steve pulls Bucky away from the wall and to the dance floor. The floor  now almost vacant. 

“What’re ya doin?” Bucky scratches the back of his neck.

“What don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how you taught me dancing back in the days?” Steve suggests the red of his cheeks matches Bucky’s. 

“You were smaller then. Now you’re...big.” Bucky averts his gaze. Steve bends down a little, a tiny, teasing smile plays on his lips. Cautiously, he grabs Bucky’s hand. The metal hand. Brings it to his lips. A soft, shy brush of lips against the gloved surface. Puts it on his shoulder. A weapon, a burden, an appendage, an embarrassment now an object of admiration. 

Bucky feels his heart beat getting erratic but the gradual mingling of Steve's heart beats with his own makes it sound like a symphony. Mingles with the music softly playing in the background. Bucky notices how his hand fits right on Steve’s shoulder. Steve places a hand on Bucky’s waist. Pulls him closer, just a little bit. And then a little bit more.

“I am still that kid.“ Steve smiles. Eyes filled with love for the broken but brave man before him. His friend. His love. His Bucky. 

“Punk.” Bucky whispers.

“Jerk.” Steve chuckles.

I don't mind at all, no, I'm used to fallin'

I'm comfortable when the sky is gray

But when everything is perfect, I start hidin'

'Cause I know that rain is comin' my way, my way

Bucky is still a little sad. Nothing is permanent. But for now he is happy because for now he is with his Stevie. And everything is okay. 

'Cause I'm happy and sad at the same time

You got me smilin' with tears in my eyes

I never felt so high

No, I've never been this far off of the ground

And they say everything that goes up, goes up must come down

And I don't wanna come down

No, I don't wanna come down

[shinrasfirst]

Goodbye.

For @rcdwrxck​.

THEY GIVE YOU A KEY. It’s all that’s left of him now. A small inconspicuous key, not even particularly pretty. Random, standard issue; he left a note with it, asking for you to be the one to receive it in case of his death. A damn key to a damn locker at the Turk HQ. It fills you with equal frustration, anger and hope to imagine what could possibly be in there. You’re not sure you want to find out, because as desperate as you are to feel his presence again, you know it’ll be the last time you’ll ever feel it.

You head down to the lockers, a room you’ve been in plenty of times. Now that you stand there, in front of T-12 you wonder why you never asked yourself what Rude keeps in there. Probably because you expected it to be the same as yours: boring, everyday things. Or nothing. With a lump the size of a ShinRa reactor in your throat and cold clumsy fingers you raise the key to the lock, push it in and turn it. The door opens with a quiet click.

Something about that day was different. Something about the whole damn mission. Rude usually knew better than to let anxieties or superstitions affect his work, but that morning he woke up with a bad feeling and hours later it was still sitting in his chest like a monster lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike. Disliking the helplessness it made him feel, Rude tried to rationalize it. Maybe it was normal to feel like that every now and then, in their position. They couldn’t be lucky forever. This was a job with a bad outlook on a future that didn’t entail lasting injury or death; they all knew that when they signed up for it.

Rude did his best to keep it hidden and act professional, but his partner knew him too well to miss the subtle changes in his behavior. It was something Rude never pointed out, but appreciated quietly. Acting like he didn’t care was like a sport for Reno, but anyone who actually cared to get to know him could tell that it was only skin-deep. He cared more than he’d ever admit out loud - to anyone he knew at that point in time, anyway. Maybe he’d meet someone he could love enough to entrust them with his heart someday-- but that was not a trail of thought Rude entertained for long. It usually led nowhere good.

He simply nodded along to the things Reno said while they sat in the helicopter, the update on his weapon, some joke he told him before, how he couldn’t wait to go back and treat himself to a whole bowl of fried noodles after this mission. It was nice to listen to Reno’s voice, calming in a way no one else ever understood. I’ll treat you, he almost offered, but thought the better of it in the last moment. Maybe it was bad luck to make promises before missions. (So much for not being superstitious.)

When the helicopter landed and they stepped out the air was warm, unnaturally so, and they were welcomed by the terrible stench of burned cables and gasoline. The facility - or what was left of it - was still standing, thick clouds of black smoke rising from its carcass. It was impossible to say how great the damage really was, considering most of the lab was built underground; but that was precisely why they’d been sent here, wasn’t it?      “Let’s be careful. Could be hell down there,” Rude said, deliberately phrasing it as advice for the both of them. Reno didn’t appreciate being told what to do (not even by his boss).

And with the heat and the stench rising around them, it did, quite literally, feel like a descent into hell.

A book. A calendar, to be precise. That’s all that’s in there. A simple black leather calendar, filled to the brim with notes and pieces of paper of various color and texture that have been shoved between the actual pages until the whole thing bulged. You don’t know how to feel (not that you’ve felt much of anything since then), underwhelmed? Curious? Confused? What could possibly be in this calendar - diary? - that looks so worn and unorganized and entirely un-Rude. It’s like a dirt stain on his perfect white shirt: something that just doesn’t exist. Messy and random and so unlike him. And yet, when you finally take it out of the locker, feel the weight of it in your hands, you can tell it is so clearly his.

It’s real leather, nothing cheap but something he bought with an intention. A calendar from years ago he scribbled into like a diary and then just kept filling it with extra notes. It smells like him; and you can tell he’s held it in his hands many many times. You open it up and are greeted by Rude’s enigma of a handwriting: neat and proper and yet somehow illegible - well, for anyone who hasn’t been his partner for years. You can read every single word (or maybe 99%) and it hits you like a slap in the face when you see the first two words on the first loose sheet of paper.

Dear Reno---

The air was hot and tasted of ashes and metal. They had to act fast in retrieving any data that could be salvaged - not only because they were sitting on a ticking time bomb, but because the very air they were breathing was poisoning them. They had a plan of the building, so finding the backup computers was easy. Getting the materia that was stored in the laboratory below, on the other hand? Rude had received two sets of orders for this. The official one: get them; they’re valuable resources and property of ShinRa. The inofficial one: no materia is worth the life of two agents and several infantrymen. They had to make a judgement call, and as usual agreed that it was worth the risk. Rude trusted Reno not to be stupidly brave about these things because they both knew making a choice like that always counted for both of them, and neither was ready to lose the other.

The laboratory had to be where disaster had struck first, judging by the shattered tanks and molten equipment. It looked like something big had exploded, leaving behind a scorched crater the size of a car. Steaming acidic liquid was covering part of the floor and dripping from the ceiling, filling the air with a sour stench.      “Let’s get this stuff and get out of here,” Rude advised, already heading for the station that supposedly held the container of experimental materia they were looking for. ---They found it in a glass case on the back wall, surprisingly well-preserved. Whatever had wrecked this lab, hadn’t reached this part of the room.

Rude reached for it and pulled his hand back with a startled scream, almost instantly hearing Reno rushing towards him. He looked at his hand where his gloves had burned away like he’d touched acid or fire, revealing pink raw skin beneath them. It burned like he was holding a piece of searing hot coal. He hissed, pulling the glove off just in case whatever was causing the reaction was still on it, discarding it to the floor like something disgusting.      “I’m okay,” he assured his partner, despite the skin on his hand looking like it was starting to blister. “Fuck this,” he heard Reno say, looking around for a creative way of picking up the container without sacrificing any other body parts.

One of the men who had come down here with them produced a chain they wrapped around the container’s handle to pick it up and carry it out of the lab. There was more to find here, more to save, stored away in shelves and cabinets or broken tanks - Rude could see that Reno thought about it too. Another judgement call, and this time he voiced his thoughts before his partner could.      “Not worth it. Let’s get out of here.” Maybe it was the toxic fumes stinging in their lungs or the remainder of concern in Reno’s eyes but he agreed without protest, and they both followed the men back upstairs. Rude coughed, telling himself the smoke in the air wasn’t getting worse, and neither was the pain in his hand.

Dear Reno, After writing all these notes I’ve come to the conclusion that the sole reason I am keeping them and leaving them for you, is that I hope you’re still here when I am not. I am not giving them to you out of a desperate need to let you know, it doesn’t matter if you read them. Just as long as you get them. If you do that means you are still here, still alive. Which means I haven’t failed you completely.

I’m still sorry.

                                                              - Rude

It’s a sheet of paper with the ShinRa logo on it. You remember seeing the re-prints not too long ago, so it must be a recent note. You turn the paper over but there’s nothing on the back. It continues with the first actual page of the calendar.

                    “We all have lifetimes upon lifetimes in our minds, combining to far more years than our bodies could ever endure. They’re made up of ideas and dreams about things and people we want but never get to have. When I met you, I knew. There will never be anything I could want more than you. These are my lifetimes, or rather fragments of them, collected in no chronological order. I never know how to say these things on any other medium, but over the years it’s become hard not to voice them at all.

And I can’t help myself when I look at you.”

The tone changes after that. It continues with entries that seem to be written at later dates, with different pens, with more or less haste, in more or less detail. They’re random and incoherent, sometimes they’re not even complete. A heartfelt attempt at a poor man’s poetry. And there’s one thing they have in common that you notice right away: they’re all about you.

The way back seemed longer, painfully so. Something wasn’t right and it didn’t take a doctor’s examination for Rude to know that. His hand-- no, his arm hurt like his skin was melting off his bones by the time they reached the upper floor. He glanced down sneakily, not wanting to alert Reno, and saw that the skin was turning white where the glove had burned away, the blisters breaking open almost as quickly as they appeared, leaving behind thin bleeding cracks that gave his skin the look of breaking marble. Taking steps forward was getting harder, keeping his eyes focused became a real challenge. Something had happened to him that he did not anticipate and in his lack of understanding it he didn’t know what to do. He had to keep it together until they were out of here in any case; even if his arm decided to fall off he wouldn’t be the cause of Reno and the others staying inside this cursed building a minute longer than necessary.

By the time they finally stepped into the clear night air again Rude almost snapped out of it like a bad dream; if only for a moment. It was like breathing air for the first time, the toxic smoke getting washed out of his lungs with every breath he took and his burning eyes clearing with a few blinks. Somewhere in front of him Reno coughed and cursed, and Rude watched him like he was seeing him for the first time. Everything seemed slowed down suddenly, paused, like the world was wrapped in cotton and put on a high shelf. He just grunted shortly when Reno asked about his hand and followed him to the helicopter. His steps were slower too, coordinating them growing harder, but he had his goal right ahead of him and tried to focus on it, not the searing pain in his shoulder.

The next thing he remembered was standing a few feet away from the helicopter, feeling the wind of its blades cutting through the air, and right in front of him Reno. He was asking something, but he couldn’t hear him, a deafening rushing sound in his ears blocking out everything else. (What was he saying?)      I’m tired, he meant to respond, or maybe, this mission sucks. None of it came over his lips but suddenly the sound was back on and he heard Reno’s voice clearly asking if he was alright. He sounded so worried it made Rude feel guilty for not telling the truth. His hand came up to gently curl Reno’s wrist in a sudden irrational need, but it only got him a look of surprise. Touching was not a common thing between them. As if he just remember that, Rude let go again, dropping his hand at his side. 

     “I’m right behind you, aibou,” he said.

You turn another page and find more post-it notes sticking together, shoved between the full pages of the calendar.

                    “I can tell that you showered just before you came to work. The tips of your hair are still wet and they’re curling just a bit. Did you go to sleep late saying you’d get up early to shower and then slept too long? You changed your shampoo. I liked the old one better.”

                    “Your eyes looked different the day we went to Goblin Island. I’ve never seen them like this, it was hard to look away. Maybe they reflected the fires that we saw, like the sea reflects the sky. Maybe I saw your soul that day. Either way it was beautiful.”

                    “Remember the day you ate a hot dog for breakfast and spilled ketchup on your shirt? You probably don’t because it happened more than once. I really wanted to kiss you that day. I know I didn’t or I would have take this note out of the pile. Continuity is important for us to make sense of things.”

                    “I dream of a day where I tell you, but that is all that it is. A dream.”

                    “Your laugh is addictive. Not that little sneer you like to do, the real thing. I wish I’d hear it more often. I could listen to it every day.”

                    “Your sunburn is finally going away and you suddenly have freckles all over your nose. It looks so cute, which I’m sure you’d hate to hear. I counted them this morning. They’re exactly 19.”

                    “I’m lucky I met you, more than I realize I think. I’m lucky to be on your side and to know you’re on mine. I wouldn’t exchange you for anything or anyone in this world.”

They were already in the air when the sight in his right eye began to go. The pain was everywhere by then, the entire right half of his body stinging and burning, and though he couldn’t see under his clothes he knew it had taken on the same sickly white color as his hand. Something was happening that he hadn’t prepared for. Something he should have been prepared for, something he thought he was, but now that it was here he didn’t want to accept it. There was no point in lying anymore, in pretending Reno was careless enough not to notice that he wasn’t okay. He was right there, hands on his jacket, looking at him, alternating between yelling at him and at the soldier flying the helicopter.

I’m sorry, Rude wanted to say, it’s going to be okay. His tongue was heavy and his throat dry, drier than it had ever been. It felt like he’d swallowed sand and razor blades, making every attempt at speaking futile and pure agony. It was spreading to his stomach, to his other leg, to his chest. He knew what that meant. It was still a long way back and if there was one thing he didn’t have anymore, it was time. He blinked a few times when a grey smudge spread before his eye, blurring out the image of Reno’s upset face. He didn’t want that to be the last thing he ever saw. He wanted to see him smile. It spread faster now, closer to his heart, and when it reached the pathetically pumping organ it felt like a blade cutting right through it. Rude’s chest contracted painfully and he sank back into the seat, his body hanging limply in the seatbelt.      “I’m right behind you, aibou---” he said.

Or maybe he didn’t.

In front of him, Reno smiled the happiest brightest smile he’d ever seen. It made him feel warm all over, and for once, he smiled back.

He didn’t die in an epic explosion. He didn’t go violently and spectacularly. It was sneaking and sudden and silent. There was no aggression, no big cataclysm, no collapsing buildings or giant monsters and yet it burned itself into your mind forever. He was just there one moment and gone the next and you never in your life felt more helpless. You almost wish it had been an explosion; you certainly wish it had swallowed you both.

As you flip the page, a single white napkin falls out of the book and sails to the ground at your feet silently. You move to pick it up, and as your fingers brush the fabric you get a sense of familiarity. You’ve seen it before. Imprinted in the corner is the logo of a bar, the Emerald Grave, faded but still legible. You remember that place. Rude took you there last year, said he’d pay for one drink to celebrate your birthday and ended up buying two bottles for the two of you. You met someone that night, can’t recall clearly how the night ended. Rude must have kept the napkin. There’s an ink stain on it, and next to it three words in shaky handwriting.

                                                                                                   “I love you.”