#maybe the pandemic was worth something.

[eulchu]

Okay fine I'll tell you how I joined the fandom I was a huge corpse fan in 2020 and the most I had ever heard of dream was when he was in an among us lobby with him but past that I knew nothing. Then in december 2020 I was talking to some online friends and was called "a George stan." I had no idea wtf that meant but it was said in the same way someone might call me a slur so I was confused and intrigued. Then I unironically became a George stan in January 2021 so they were right ig but I didn't want them to know that so I made an entirely separate Tumblr account to participate in fandom activities from there while lurking on Twitter because there were a lot of people I didn't want to know that I was very hyperfixated on Minecraft youtubers, including a separate online friend group. I stopped talking to that group sometime in 2021 and then in 2022 I talking with one of them again only for them to have turned into a total bitch in that time of no contact. They were a hardcore anti and got super pissy anytime I so much as mentioned anything to do with dsmp while expecting me to be invested in they're own interests that I couldn't care less about. And usually I would listen but I figured if my interests were getting shit on, it was fair play to call them a boring bitch and block them right after that conversation and now I havent used my old Tumblr account in nearly two years lol

AND FUCK THAT PERSON !

[cherrysnax]

spent like an hour going thru old posts from like 2019 and further back and. wow

[rimouskis]

It’s not just you. People have been canceling plans on me ever since we started to emerge from pandemic isolation. 🤷‍♀️

I've read a few things about people being flaky ever since the lockdowns started lifting/people started socializing again. like, it seems somewhat universal that people are worse about honoring RSVPs or social plans in general. I'm not a fan! it's understandable every once in a while, we all have things come up, but after a while it starts feeling disrespectful.

[drjohnwatson]

oh the new thor film is out already? lmao

[nostalgebraist]

@oakfern replied to your post “it's going to be fun to watch the realization...”:

i feel like this is going to play out very similarly to voice assistants. there was a huge boom in ASR research, the products got a lot of hype, and they actually sold decently (at least alexa did). but 10 years on, they've been a massive failure, costing way more than they ever made back. even if ppl do think chatbot search engines are exciting and cool, it's not going to bring in more users or sell more products, and in the end it will just be a financial loss

​(Responding to this a week late)

I don't know much about the history of voice assistants. Are there any articles you recommend on the topic? Sounds interesting.

ETA: Iater, I found and read this article from Nov 2022, which reports that Alexa and co. still can't turn a profit after many years of trying.

But anyway, yeah... this is why I don't have a strong sense of how widespread/popular these "generative AI" products will be a year or two from now. Or even five years from now.

(Ten years from now? Maybe we can trust the verdict will be in at that point... but the tech landscape of 2033 is going to be so different from ours that the question "did 'generative AI' take off or not?" will no doubt sound quaint and irrelevant.)

Remember when self-driving cars were supposed to be right around the corner? Lots of people took this imminent self-driving future seriously.

And I looked at it, and thought "I don't get it, this problem seems way harder than people are giving it credit for. And these companies show no signs of having discovered some clever proprietary way forward." If people asked me about it, that's what I would say.

But even if I was sure that self-driving cars wouldn't arrive on schedule, that didn't give me much insight into the fate of "self-driving cars," the tech sector meme. It wasn't like there was some specific deadline, and when we crossed it everyone was going to look up and say "oh, I guess that didn't work, time to stop investing."

The influx of capital -- and everything downstream from it, the trusting news stories, the prominence of the "self-driving car future" in the public mind, the seriousness which it was talked about -- these things went on, heedless of anything except their own mysterious internal logic.

They went on until . . . what? The pandemic, probably? I actually still don't know.

Something definitely happened:

In 2018 analysts put the market value of Waymo LLC, then a subsidiary of Alphabet Inc., at $175 billion. Its most recent funding round gave the company an estimated valuation of $30 billion, roughly the same as Cruise. Aurora Innovation Inc., a startup co-founded by Chris Urmson, Google’s former autonomous-vehicle chief, has lost more than 85% since last year [i.e. 2021] and is now worth less than $3 billion. This September a leaked memo from Urmson summed up Aurora’s cash-flow struggles and suggested it might have to sell out to a larger company. Many of the industry’s most promising efforts have met the same fate in recent years, including Drive.ai, Voyage, Zoox, and Uber’s self-driving division. “Long term, I think we will have autonomous vehicles that you and I can buy,” says Mike Ramsey, an analyst at market researcher Gartner Inc. “But we’re going to be old.”

Whatever killed the "self-driving car" meme, though, it wasn't some newly definitive article of proof that the underlying ideas were flawed. The ideas never made sense in the first place. The phenomenon was not really about the ideas making sense.

Some investors -- with enough capital, between them, to exert noticable distortionary effects on entire business sectors -- decided that "self-driving cars" were, like, A Thing now. And so they were, for a number of years. Huge numbers of people worked very hard trying to make "self-driving cars" into a viable product. They were paid very well to do. Talent was diverted away from other projects, en masse, into this effort. This went on as long as the investors felt like sustaining it, and they were in no danger of running out of money.

Often the "tech sector" feels less like a product of free-market incentives than it does like a massive, weird, and opaque public works product, orchestrated by eccentrics like Masayoshi Son, and ultimately organized according to the aesthetic proclivities and changing moods of its architects, not for the purpose of "doing business" in the conventional sense.

Gig economy delivery apps (Uber Eats, Doordash, etc.) have been ubiquitous for years, and have reported huge losses in every one of those years.

This entertaining post from 2020 about "pizza arbitrage" asks:

Which brings us to the question - what is the point of all this? These platforms are all losing money. Just think of all the meetings and lines of code and phone calls to make all of these nefarious things happen which just continue to bleed money. Why go through all this trouble?

Grubhub just lost $33 million on $360 million of revenue in Q1.

Doordash reportedly lost an insane $450 million off $900 million in revenue in 2019 (which does make me wonder if my dream of a decentralized network of pizza arbitrageurs does exist).

Uber Eats is Uber's "most profitable division” 😂😂. Uber Eats lost $461 million in Q4 2019 off of revenue of $734 million. Sometimes I need to write this out to remind myself. Uber Eats spent $1.2 billion to make $734 million. In one quarter.

And now, in February 2023?

DoorDash's total orders grew 27% to 467 million in the fourth quarter. That beat Wall Street’s forecast of 459 million, according to analysts polled by FactSet. Fourth quarter revenue jumped 40% to $1.82 billion, also ahead of analysts’ forecast of $1.77 billion.

But profits remain elusive for the 10-year-old company. DoorDash said its net loss widened to $640 million, or $1.65 per share, in the fourth quarter as it expanded into new categories and integrated Wolt into its operations.

Do their investors really believe these companies are going somewhere, and just taking their time to get there? Or is this more like a subsidy? The lost money (a predictable loss in the long term) merely the price paid for a desired good -- for an intoxicating exercise of godlike power, for the chance to reshape reality to one's whims on a large scale -- collapsing the usual boundary between self and outside, dream and reality? "The gig economy is A Thing, now," you say, and wave your hand -- and so it is.

Some people would pay a lot of money to be a god, I would think.

Anyway, "generative AI" is A Thing now. It wasn't A Thing a year ago, but now it is. How long will it remain one? The best I can say is: as long as the gods are feeling it.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my friend to stop telling me about his achievements?

I'll refer to this friend as Jason for simplicity's sake. Also, we're both autistic, in case you think that changes things in some ways I haven't been able to see.

Jason (21m) and I (21m) have been friends for about 6 years, we met each other at a school that's well-known for being hard to get into and stuff. He finished studying there and I didn't, I never learned how to study so I struggled there a bit. I messed up my papers so I also had to restart, making me be 1 year behind him. That solidified in his head that I'm an idiot.

I know that's a bold claim, but he has made it clear that that's what he thinks, specially when he said that there's nothing wrong with me not being smart because I am the most emotionally intelligent person he knows. Nowadays I'm better about it, but before, my intelligence was the only thing that made me me, so, of course, that hurt; I just went along with it, tho, because I didn't want to seem annoying or something.

I started uni some time during the start of the pandemic, things went alright, but then they wanted us to go back irl and I wasn't confident enough on the whole having learned anything that I decided to stop and go back later just one semester in; though what convinced me was that I was incredibly suicidal and figured it'd probably be best if I took a break and came back after some therapy.

Now, Jason had some self-esteem problems regarding intelligence himself around this point, thinking that he was lesser because he struggled in places were his other friends didn't. I refrained from telling him I felt the same before because I knew it would be dismissed or worse, seen as me telling him that he was indeed lesser by having similar problems to me *because* I am dumber than him.

Instead, I told him he was obviously smart, here you can imagine what I said. At this point I became the person he would go to to talk about school, when he struggled to reassure himself, when he did good to celebrate with someone who wasn't one of his other friends that might've seen that as something not worth celebrating. Occasionally he talked down to me as if expecting me to not understand certain concepts, but I ignored it because my emotions weren't important at the moment.

Now, I became a neet for almost 3 years and felt like complete shit about it the entire time, and Jason kept coming to me with the most recent news about whatever's going on in his life. I tried to not complain about my life and be supportive of him, but it started to get more and more grating the worse I felt and the better life went for him, paired with the occasional mention or allusion to me being dumb, I stopped talking mid conversation until I cooled off and could reply to him again.

I got a job fairly recently, Jason came with news about how he might go study abroad and I just can't stand it. I'd like to tell him to stop talking about this kinda stuff until I'm in a better place, maybe after going with a therapist that doesn't make me feel like shit and I go back to school, but I know he just wants to celebrate with someone. I'm happy for him, I truly am, but it's difficult to not compare your life to others, and right now I really am not the happiest comparing myself to him.

TLDR; I'm salty that my friend is living a better life than me and wish he would stop talking to me about his achievements until I feel in control of my own life.

What are these acronyms?

[haridraws]

sorry to bother you, i saw your 2022 hourly comic post today and i first want to say thank you because it’s really my exact situation in so many ways, right down to being apart from my partner (haven’t gotten to see her since the start of the pandemic since we’re both disabled and public transport is a covid nightmare but we’re on the council housing waitlist so hopefully eventually!) and it means a lot to not feel alone in that. i wanted to ask about the mobility chair that helps you sit up if that’s okay? i have a simple bed setup but being able to sit in the living room with the sun and a view is nice, but i can’t sit up unsupported for long and i can’t really like Do Anything and also sit upright bc the sitting up is all my energy, so a chair like that might be something to save for if you could maybe tell me about it! also does it have support for the neck/head? i think my spine is getting compressed from not being able to sit up for so long lol but i might be able to find cushions for that so that’s less essential!

anyway, sorry to ramble on! no pressure if you can’t manage a reply, the fact that i know about such chairs now is helpful so thank you either way!! and probably very belated but i was scrolling your blog and happy to see you have a place with your partner, so congrats! take care and all the best to you both!

thank you for this message, v sorry you're in the same boat as I was. Answering properly and publicly in case this is useful for anyone else:

Stuff I personally use to make being bedbound more comfortable

obligatory disclaimer I am not a doctor, stretching or moving your body a little (see 18) if or when you can is probably good, etc.

1. SPECIAL FURNITURE The chair I have NOW is a "riser recliner" and I usually add a small pillow for lower back (and sometimes head) support. Like adjustable beds, they're whole furniture with powerful (HEAVY) motors built in, so they're expensive. They're usually cheaper:

if you don't need to be tipped out (just power recliners, though they might recline less or provide less support)

from regular shops, not mobility ones.

If you're able, you can go into a store and try one out first (personally being taken in a wheelchair was worth the strain, because it was weirdly hard to predict what back shape would be comfy).

if you're in the UK and you're 'chronically sick or disabled' you can get them VAT-free to make them 20% cheaper - mobility stores will have a form, others you might have to ask / check the shop does it

(I got one I could lie flat in, that came with a free setup service in the 'room of my choice'.)

It still took me 8 years of illness mostly stuck in bed to get both chair and bed because of (a) the price (b) not being sure I was sick enough to "deserve" it, same with my wheelchair. THIS WAS A FOOLISH WAY OF THINKING. There's no threshold required to get devices that will make your life easier / less agonising. Mobility aids are for anyone who'll be helped by them.

2. ADJUST EXISTING FURNITURE WITH WEIRD PILLOWS Special furniture will obviously not be possible for everyone, and before I got the chair, I just used a combo of regular pillows and a triangle wedge pillow in bed (though it took trying 2 different wedges to find one that was a good shape for me.)

Last year someone ( @dont-break-hearts I think? THANK YOU) recommended me this shape cushion - some start at £15 on that site. That's now what I use to sit on a regular sofa, though I also always need my legs up at the same height (tall footstool now, but a sideways dining chair works ok) so it's closer to lying down.

These aren't 100% ideal - ymmv, I still need extra cushions and any position gets stiff after a while - but for me are WAY BETTER than just layering pillows or forcing myself to sit up.

[astriiformes]

To be completely honest I have been doing some Wrestling as of late (by which I mean. since October) because despite all the joy finishing my conversion last year brought me, debilitating moral OCD and the Ongoing Situation do not mix well. Which has been really hard because it's very difficult to be like well, I'm so glad to have joined this community for real and properly just in time for it to suddenly be a source of immense difficulty for me, too. And I'm trying my best to be involved in organizing efforts and to connect with likeminded Jews but it's still been very hard.

And on top of everything having another friend starting their conversion exploration journey recently has been making me realize how strange and lonely and isolated mine was, because it was so affected by the pandemic and lockdown and I didn't get to join my classmates in doing activities outside of class or celebrate holidays with other people or even go to our shul until fairly late in my journey. And of course I had all the other hiccups, like working with three different rabbis due to circumstances out of my control. And it was so worth it and the right choice, but still deeply imperfect in ways I feel sort of melancholy about.

But this last week I'm suddenly finding my place in ways that have been missing for a bit and it feels so important. The Jewish printing symposium I attended was so amazing, and I finally set up my recurring donation to my synagogue now that I'm officially a member and seeing my name and my Hebrew name next to each other in the online portal is making me smile, and some other people from my shul that I don't know very well but would like to get to know better invited me to a second night Seder at their place later this month that I think will be really good, and I'm doing research for a paper on medieval Jewish science for my medieval history class and reading excerpts from the De'ot ha-Filosofim and Midrash ha-Ḥokhmah and Sha'ar ha-Shamayim, and I've been working on my Yiddish and listening to a lot of Yiddish folk and punk music along with it, and today I think I'm going to finally talk to the LGBT history curator about the queer Jewish archives event we're doing in May, and it feels like something important has clicked back into place, that I think is going to make me both happier & more effective at the organizing work I want to be a part of but haven't been able to engage with fully for months now.

Anyways I feel like this Pesach is going to Get me because of the timing of this all, and also I already had some really, really hard stuff happen to me last Pesach that I have mostly processed but has still had some far-reaching repercussions, so there's an element of anniversary trauma (?) meets healthy processing that I know is going to happen, too.

But it's still a good reminder of why I chose all this, and that religion & spirituality & community really are incredibly important to me, even when they're difficult (maybe even especially when there's difficulty) and also that I am tougher than I give myself credit for and not totally a victim of my own brain! Which is! An important feeling, if not necessarily an easy one.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

This is it, right? The album is finally out. I'm happy for Jimin. I've been listening to it since the morning and I think he did a great job for a first solo release. He showed he's capable of doing it on his own and make his mark. I hope good things come to him in the future.

I'm not going to analyze the album, or the music video for Like Crazy. This is the end of the road for me. It's time to move on. I know I said I will be here until he finishes the promotions, but life intervenes and sometimes in the best of ways. This is that situation.

First, some basic points. I won't delete the blog. I've worked too hard and a lot on it. Maybe other people will find it at some point and will see something interesting to read. I will not make any posts in the future or answer any private messages. I had some great conversations here for which I'm grateful.

I will not offer any other platform where I can be reached out. I'm getting out of the K-Pop world completely and I want to do this by leaving everything behind. From strictly a music perspective, I might follow Jimin's official schedule for the album if I'm in the mood for it, but nothing else apart from that, followed by the clean cut approach.

I made this blog during a period in which I was ignoring other writing responsibilities. It was escapism, just like getting into BTS at the beginning of the pandemic. I'm not regretting anything. I rediscovered the pleasure of writing and doing it on my own terms. I've wrote some of my favorite pieces here. They might not be the best ever, but I enjoyed every second of it and I'm proud of my writing.

I've said before that I will leave this blog when it's no longer enjoyable. I didn't keep my word and I just dragged it for months. I clearly wasn't having fun anymore, but I couldn't let go. It's familiar, part of my routine, what will I do next? But I realized that just because some aspects are positive, it doesn't mean I have to be stuck with something that doesn't represent me anymore.

I've also lost interest in BTS and K-Pop in general. I've spent three years being a fan, but also in a position of a sort of researcher. I feel like I've reached a point in which the knowledge I currently have is enough. My passion and curiosity is what drives me in everything that I do and get interested into. Now it's time to move on to other things.

I used this blog as an outlet for my rational side as well, writing publicly what I was trying to tell myself when I reacted emotionally to various aspects in this fandom. I was splitting myself because I couldn't deal or admit how some things affected me. But in the end, that's not entirely healthy. Balance is the key and I couldn't actually find it.

I want to borrow a quote from Miss Penny Lane, taken completely out of context, but this is something that I want to tell myself and to anyone who has been reading this blog. ''never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun''. 

Not everything has to be turned into a discourse, nothing is as important and as essential as one might think when we're deep into fandom spaces. Enjoy the song, the media content, the relationship, regardless of its nature, without letting it take over your life. It's not worth it.

Goodbye,

BMT

[traitorca]

My Iron Lung - The Walking Dead

Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader - 2

Masterlist

He’s dead. Rick is dead, that’s what he told you. Shane couldn’t stay in there long, and neither could any of you as troopers shot and killed just about anyone in sight. You slapped him, for some reason you actually slapped him. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe him- no, of course you didn’t, it seemed so unlikely. His vitals were just fine as of your last visit- but Shane wouldn’t lie about that- That was his best friend and you couldn’t just feel entitled- no, paranoid because of your relationship. Despite your inner turmoil, it took everything in you not to rush back in there and see for yourself the outcome of Rick.

That leads you to now, grip on the steering wheel harsh as you drove out of Kings County, to the interstate which would lead you to Atlanta. The radio said that a safe zone was put up, that seeking refuge would be possible while they figure out how to stop this outbreak. But from an epidemiologist’s perspective, you didn’t think it could be stopped.

Prior to the apocalypses reign in the States, you had received a call from your colleague when the UK had just been shut down for quarantine. They had asked- urgently, for any information based upon your latest research. Now that you thought about it, it seemed suspicious of you to leave so urgently after working on a patient who undoubtedly was a cause of this pandemic. You had told them all you knew, bacteria, infection- ants.

Why ants? Well, you were sure it had something to do with the zombie ant fungus native to the rainforests of South America. This disease was capable of taking pathogenesis and altering the entire behavioral system of an ant, and making it a tool for conquering. To an extent, this victim would die spreading a disease- but unfortunately, not all of the symptoms in this apocalypse matched those. But it was entirely possible- the thought of the world sweltering due to atmospheric change, global warming- who wasn’t to say such a fungi wouldn’t adapt to its surroundings? In an attempt of desperation, try a different host? Not to say this was all caused by an ant, but there were no theories that served as a proper alternative.

You couldn’t even cry, that’s how strange this all was. Your brother was dead, and you couldn’t feel a thing but the adrenaline rush. If you weren’t careful, you were sure to rear end someone on the highway as they all seemed to slow down. To be honest, you weren’t that familiar to road rage, but this was a new level of anger.

Shane was sitting in the passenger seat, arm propped up on the open window. It was too hot to sit idle in a car, underneath the setting sun, on the middle of a highway in Georgia. Atlanta better be worth it.

An accident of some sorts had happened up on the road, a blockage of cars preventing the caravan from moving further into Atlanta. This called for the people in their cars to gather outside, mingle together at any chance for survival or support until they were able to make it there safely. Which- to some people, is a good thing. Strength in numbers. But if you learned anything from your line of work, and you were sure Shane knew it too, people don’t change overnight when the world goes to shit. Maybe their world was shit already, and this only would give them an excuse to act out and lose the last ounce of morality they had.

You sat on the car's hood, a melted popsicle in hand as you watched Carl talk to a girl about his age. You had packed the last few Otterpops left in your freezer, and it was holding Carl over, and you were surely content as you could be. Lori and Shane had wandered with a group of people into the woods, dusk falling over the sky. Helicopters flew past overhead, their propellers slicing through the air as you bit into the ice.

“My Aunt is the coolest! She’s a scientist- I think she can figure this whole thing out-!” Carl, bless his heart, was just excited he had someone to talk to. But things like that- saying you could potentially save the world? That was a large claim, and you were unsure you were fit to fill the expectation.

“A scientist?” Sophia responded, looking up at you. “You don’t look like a scientist.”

“I don’t look like a lot of things.” You responded, smiling down at her as you pushed yourself off the hood of Shane’s jeep. “I am a scientist but-“

“So you know what’s going on?” Sophia’s mother, Carol, seemed to train attention to the conversation. “What ‘this’ is?”

“Well- it’s really hard to say, but before I left my research, I had found that it could be related to fungi-“

“Or the wrath of God!” Carl finished for you.

“Yeah. That too.”

This didn’t seem to bring any comfort to Carol or her daughter, but she seemed keen on staying around you. “Do you think… you could fix it?”

“Well- I don’t know if IM the right one for that, there are plenty of other experienced people in my field-“

“But could you?”

“Carol, stop fucking around with this woman.” Her husband came out of their car, eyes narrowed as he grabbed her wrist. “Sorry if she’s bothering you, Doc.” The nickname was bitter, almost as if it was drenched in venom.

“No. It’s okay. I’m just afraid I don’t know all the answers.” You laughed anxiously, looking back at Carl as you ruffled his hair.

He laughed at that. How charming, if you could roll your eyes you would. “I wouldn’t leave that job to a woman anyway, leave it to the professionals.”

“Excuse me?” Out of all the misogynistic things said to you your whole life, this was honestly something you weren't expecting. You were pissed, other hand clenched around the otterpop that was long gone by now. Before you could get another word out, the horizon lit up in large, orange plumes of light. The ground shook, noises comparable to thunder flooded the air. Helicopters whipped past, smoke visibly now as it surfaced over Atlanta.

What happened to Atlanta being safe?! Safe my ass.

Carl dove for your arms, hands gripping the back of your tank top as he shook. “Where’s mom-?! She should’ve been back-“

“Shh- no, she’s fine. She’s with Shane, alright? He wouldn’t let anything happen to her. Just like I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” You whispered, kissing your head. “See? See, people are coming back from the woods. Lo will be here.” You really had to work on your comforting skills, because as much as you wanted Carl to believe your words, you weren’t sure you believed them either.

The next few days were slow, hot, and downright depressing. You had found a group at that blockade on the highway a few days back, and had located yourself at a quarry. Your new found purpose was in the form of a man named Dale, sisters Amy and Andrea, T-Dog, Glenn, Morales and his family, Jacqui, Jim, Carol, Ed, and Sophia- you were never popular in highschool, so this really must be your IT girl phase.

Rumors of your ex-occupation spread fast, Carl not leaving a single detail out. You were unsure if he was saying these things to show off, or convince himself that this world could be fixed. It was sad when you thought about it, Carl never really had the chance to be a kid. He was about- eleven now? No, twelve. This really was a reminder you weren’t around much. You were glad you were here now at least, and you were damn sure Carl wouldn’t leave your sight this time. Lori could take care of herself- well, more like Shane would take care of her instead. You weren’t going to act dumb, you knew the way Shane looked at her wasn’t just friendly. Nothing about Shane was “just friendly”.

People seemed to keep you close, constantly making conversation with you- questioning you on your job. You hate to say it, but you didn’t get the job for the money or the attention. You weren’t like a NASA scientist or whatever- so this was strange. People were so convinced you were some special, intelligent alien from another world- but you were just a woman in her twenties.

Rick would know what to do. Rick always knew what to do, he’s the reason you got out of Kings County- because he told you that you were meant for more. Not to be locked in a life you couldn’t escape. You had no doubt Rick loved his son and wife, family was a big part of being a Grimes, but you knew you weren’t just your family name, and he did too.

All the things you could’ve said to him, and you couldn’t. And now he was dead, probably mauled to death in some hospital bed, infected- a freakish monster, much like the ones he promised to protect you from when you were just a child.

How you missed the times when THAT was the thing to be afraid of.

You liked your time alone, you had always been a loner- but this was another level. Walking alone as a woman was scary enough- but now it was much more than men who would grab you without thinking twice. Now they didn’t have to think at all. Despite this, you enjoyed walking out by yourself- with a firearm of course, considering nothing was really illegal and it was the ONLY option anyway. Besides, the group didn’t have any real, concrete food sources, and you were damned to hell if Shane was really going to feed you all frogs for dinner. So you offered to find berries and plants that were edible, because- not to brag, you were pretty darn smart when it came to a lot of things.

The pine straw shuffled beneath your feet, sun slowly setting above you as birds softly chirped overhead, almost as if they were scared to draw too much attention. Your lips were pressed into a thin line, a small drop of sweat dripping down your forehead at a leisurely pace. You had a bucket with you, filled with all sorts of plants you had collected from the underbrush. You missed real food- even squirrels were starting to look better on a dinner plate than in a tree- and that’s when you KNOW you’ve gone crazy. Maybe the apocalypse wasn’t for everyone, but your resilience made you a strong contender- but also, a really big fucking idiot.

Picky eaters suck ass in situations like this.

You didn’t get too terribly far, but you were starting to realize that your surroundings were becoming a little bit too unfamiliar for your liking. With this in mind, you noted that you should probably head back soon as the sun was getting lower every passing moment.

Your feet turned, body instantly colliding with something as you fell to the ground. A freak. A fucking freak gnawing at you- shaky hands keeping his jaw lengths away from your face. How had you not heard it?! What the fuck- Teeth, nails, teeth, nails, teeth- teeth teeth teeth- watch the teeth!

You cursed, hand reaching for your gun as your bucket was long gone from your grasp. You struggled, grunting as you attempted to push its body off of you with just one hand. How fucking embarrassing- no one had ever caught you this off guard before, much less a freak.

“Get the fuck off! Get off-!” You yelled, hand finally freeing your gun from your belt. You knew loud noises would draw them- you couldn’t risk that, not with your camp near. You ALSO knew that if they heard a gun fire, you couldn’t pretend to know nothing about it. Shane would never let you out again if he knew what a close call you had. So, you did the next best thing. You slammed the butt of your gun straight into its head, knocking it off of you. It rolled, gurgling as it went to stand again. You rolled away, hands pushing yourself up as you turned to face it again. You raised your gun, mentally preparing for the shit show Shane and Lori were going to be when you got back, having fired a gun-

You aimed, fingering the trigger as you slowed your breathing. Remember what Rick taught you, slow, precise- shoot.

The walker fell, but you hadn’t pulled the trigger.

A second passed as you stared.

Another, as you lowered your gaze to the ground.

In its head, where the bullet would’ve been, was a carbon arrow with a green fletching.

“Well look a’ what we have ‘ere, Darlina… I dare say you just saved her ass.”

Men fucking suck.

taglist:🏷️: @poubxlle @kovieky @fallenkitten @dixonsboy19

[macgyvermedical]

A $100ish 30-Day Box

When I think about the word prepper, I tend to think about individuals who store guns, ammo, and freeze-dried food for a singular Event(TM) that they will have to survive, probably involving roving bands of marauders coming for their wives and guns.

I personally think the risk of this exact type of scenario is low. But given recent events (It's 2022 and I don't think we're ever seeing 2019 again, etc...), I do think a stepwise semi-collapse- one that could most heavily impact low wage workers and minorities- is currently happening and will continue over the course of our lives.

And if you feel you may be vulnerable to some of these steps (another pandemic, say, or unchecked inflation, or a housing crisis, or a series of major natural disasters, or a period of civil unrest in your area, or a combination that adds up to you living in a van with no usable monetary resources), you may want to consider having a box with everything you need to live for 30 days in a bad situation.

This is not a bug-out bag. It will have 30 days worth of food and supplies in it. You are not going to be able to carry it. This is the bargain version where you will need to either shelter in place (like non-essential workers in 2020) or leave in a vehicle (say you get evicted suddenly, or need to evacuate because of a disaster).

And listen, you can get some of these things used or at salvage if that is an option near you. Sometimes that will be cheaper, sometimes not. Use your best judgement. I recommend a mix of new, used, and salvage based on your needs and access.

Containers:

18-gal tote ($8-10 new, you'll need one for every 2 people, but easy to find used or you may already have some)

Gallon freezer bags or other smaller containers ($3-5 depending on number) these are to help organize the rest of the stuff

Supplies: Note that most of these are the cheapest of the cheap- you're looking for things you'll be fine with putting in a box and forgetting about and not actually wanting to take out and use unless you have to. Don't put cool stuff in here.

Metal mug or other food-safe container (pick one you already have)

Microwave-safe mug or other food-safe container (pick one you already have)

Cutlery (recommend fork and spoon, assuming you can pick some you already have)

Pocket knife or multitool (you can get weird keychain versions for like $3, but if you already have one or want to invest in something slightly better this is a good place to do so, but again, nothing cool)

Matches ($1)

A flashlight and batteries or rechargeable with charger ($5 online or at a grocery store checkout line. does not have to be fancy)

Phone charger cord and block ($2-5)

A large tin/aluminum can (to make a crappy lil rocket stove with if you need to- here's a slightly more elegant 3-can version). If you're smart put one in that still has something tasty in it.

Car cigarette lighter USB charger if your car has a cigarette lighter (these used to be given away with brand names on them so they're surprisingly not hard to find used for less than a$1, but if you can't find one used you'll spend about $5)

Fuel- put some wax in the box (maybe like a big-ish old candle you got as a gift but don't really like). If you can melt it over some tightly packed cardboard and put it under a 30oz can with some holes punched in it, bam you have a stove. When you run out of that cut a bigger hole in the base of the can and build a lil fire under it. Free rocket stove baby.

Permanent marker (assuming you have one of these)

Pencil and paper (assuming you have some of these)

Food: This will be about $50 more per additional person, maybe less for young children.

20lb/person White Rice- this is a cheap filler that takes up relatively little space. (about $10/person)

10lb/person Brown Rice- this is a slightly less cheap filler that takes up little space but has fiber and other nutrients please don't skimp on this (about $8/person)

10lb/person Dry beans- get a variety here. Protein and fiber. You can eat these or sprout these for variety and more nutrition in very little time (About $10/per person if mostly pintos)

1 gal/person Vegetable Oil- this is your fat. You need fat. Get something you're not allergic to and if you can splurge this is where to do it- get something like olive, coconut, grapeseed, or canola ($8 for canola, the cheapest I could find this in pure olive was about $21)

NOTE: You may have done the math and thought (Gee, that's like twice the number of calories I need in a month! Yeah, but now you're cold and scared and eating your feelings. You'll want plenty of something, and it might as well be beans).

Multivitamin- get enough for everyone to have one every other day or so, since you're living on rice and beans. Does not have to be a good one. Whatever the cheapest one they have at whatever pharmacy or supermarket you're in is, even if it's for kids or whatever. You're not going to get serious deficiencies without it over the course of 30 days, but it may help you feel better and dampen food cravings).

Flavor- garlic, chili, and onion flakes, spices, herbs, soup mix packets, dip mix packets, hot sauce, vinegar powder, lime or lemon granules/concentrate, you really want this and it takes up so little space, trust me. (Put in what you've got or this can get pricey ...but it's kind of worth it)

Water:

Get a cheap filter (like a replacement filter that fits on a standard disposable water bottle) for sediment only and boil if unsure of water quality on your stove (see supplies)/in a microwave ($3). You can also just pour through a piece of old tee-shirt and boil.

OR get a nice filter like a sawyer or lifestraw, though these will easily put you over budget ($20)

Medical:

OTC Meds: I recommend acetaminophen, ibuprofen (can be taken with acetaminophen if needed), diphenhydramine, docusate sodium, loperamide, and anything else you use regularly (about $2 each ($10 total) generic)

Prescription Meds: if you take prescription meds, ask your doc for an extra 30-day supply of each for an emergency. You may have to pay out of pocket for this as insurance may not cover it. If you cannot afford that ask for a paper script with a year-long fill window (or however long they can give you for a particular med). Note that this will probably not work for controlled substances like testosterone or narcotics.

First aid supplies like band aids, cortisone cream, petroleum jelly (use instead of neosporin, seriously it works better, has far more uses, and no one is allergic to it), tape, and an ace wrap (spend about $10 total on this).

Caffeine if you consume it or get headaches frequently- tea is usually cheapest and easiest to prepare but instant coffee works here too (100 pack of the cheapest tea bags at aldi is like $2)

Nicotine if you consume it. Get lozenges instead of patches. I don't have a price on this but crises are not historically the most successful time to quit and you're probs going to need to be functional. If you have something to use instead you're less likely to buy crazy expensive cigs. Consider quitting or decreasing use in prep if you can, but, you know, keep these in your kit.

Hygiene:

Bar soap 2-4 bars. Get like two of the cheapest bars possible and one fels naptha. This sounds like a lot but you're probably going to be using it for everything- clothing, body, hands, dishes, etc... ($2-3)

Toothbrush (1 per person) and a full-size tube of toothpaste ($3)

Bug spray (you can get 2oz of 100% DEET for like $3 and mix with a carrier liquid)

Sunscreen ($5, though you can get it cheaper at expiration, it will only last about a year after)

You want me to say toilet paper but I'm not going to. Get a small plastic cup or a squeezy water bottle and boom you have a bidet. Wipe the water off with a wash cloth and hang to dry. Everyone should have their own and wash their hands after with soap.

Throw some masks in here. N95s if you have them but at the very least cloth ones and I know you have some you may not be using right now.

Entertainment:

Put some books or small games or something in here if you have extra space. And learn some games and recipes for the beans.

Put the rice and beans at the bottom. Sort everything and put it in bags, then layer those bags up to the top. Done.

Also, make a list of everything in the box and tape it to the top, possibly sorted by what bag each thing is in, which will help keep it organized. Next to anything with an expiration date, write the expiration date. Check the list yearly 2 months prior to your normal disaster season. That should give you time to update and replace things if needed.

You're also going to want to get some knoweldge- think about what you'll need to know to use this stuff. Do you know how to use a cup of water as a bidet? How to stretch DEET? How to use bar soap to wash dishes? All 4-6 uses for diphenhydramine? How to sprout beans and/or brown rice?

[smol-grey-tea]

Ok, About Cheritz

I'm actually quite surprised that Cheritz made a response to the recent unrest in the fandom, but I guess I forgot just how much attention Cheritz pays to its fans. I mean, we would never have had Ray and V routes if not for that, right?

I never expected them to actually explicitly say that they actually use ai in their art. Did not expect that

I thought it was quite lazy but I think I understand a lot better now. This is kind of inevitable really. That's my opinion..

Everyone wishes for their favourite game to last forever. But that's all that is. A wish. A dream. Something that can't actually happen in real life

Making a game with over 200 days worth of content is just plain unrealistic. Especially with such a small company that's been bit so hard by the economy of the pandemic

Of course they're going to use real images, stock images, ai. Of course the subscription cost is going to be so high. They need to be able to pay for the workers that they already/still have, rather than paying background artists

I'm not saying it's right or justified. I'm just saying... Cmon. Why didn't I expect this?

This is just what happens when you decide to make a game with so much quantity and not enough staff. I've said it again, I'll say it a thousand times: Cheritz needs to return to making shorter, higher quality games. Maybe the subscriptions to Ssum do quite well, maybe, but imo I rly don't think whatever the payoff is is rly worth it, compared to just how much work the staff have to put in

I saw some ppl in the comments begging Cheritz not to make more routes but to instead focus more on the routes that they've already made. Which. No???? Why the hell would you want that??? More content of boring as hell routes you've already seen??? Why?? This is the whole issue w The Ssum!!!

I also never thought Cheritz would address the issue of bringing back Mystic Messenger. I rly did think it was just a cash grab! But with Sujin Ri back in charge, knowing it was likely her decision.. Man, I rly don't mind as much anymore. I trust her w my life

And. My God. I had no idea that the founder of Cheritz herself stopped working there..and then came back. No wonder it actually feels like an authentic classic Cheritz game again. Please, Ms Sujin Ri 🙏 never leave me again. I will worship this woman

[1997yakul]

Don't Leave Your Lunchbox in the Aisle

.·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　✩　̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ ..·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙　

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆

Hey, you! Yeah, you! Stop there!

Na Jaemin needs a tutor before he’s booted off the basketball team and loses his chance at a scholarship. (and probably his mom's respect...) Can you help out?

You have a slightly awkward history, yet still maintain your unbearably ginormous crush? You're the perfect candidate!

☆ ☆ ☆ Sign up here! ☆ ☆ ☆

(masterlist) ☆ (nct masterlist)

.｡.:*♡ Pairing: student!jaemin x tutor!gn reader

Word Count: 7,9k (one-shot)

✧ Tags: unreciprocated crush to lovers(?), angst, fluff, humor, kissing, pining, swearing, detention buddies yay, tutoring, slowburn, You Fell First! He Fell HARDER!(punches wall)

start + end date: September 21 2021 - October 6 2022

✧ Notes: this was written for my lil friend bongbong who likes a slice of the weird jaemin pie. Shes always hyping up my stuff and supporting me in my weird endeavors. Shoutout bongbong!!!!!!!

originally posted on ao3

✩ fic is below the cut! enjoy ✩

There's something weirdly satisfying about the feeling of your sweated out forehead peeling off of your desk. It's sticky and kind of hot, probably due to the piles of blankets you shrugged over your shoulders in a fit hours earlier. 

It was a promise you made to your mother that brought you here, the brilliant plan to study at any moment of downtime and then take the exam when you got home from helping her at her work. It seemed sort of.. ingenious at the time..? Now, everything's kind of flipped belly up as you drag your finger in panicked circles across your trackpad. You did submit it, right? Wiping at one of your eyes in horror as you wake your laptop up, there's this white box with black text that stands front and center on the screen before you.

'Assignment is no longer available. Click 'close' to return to classroom homepage.'

"What?" You whisper to yourself, eyes fluttering to the bottom right of your screen. The time reads 1:49 AM. Your hand falls to your desk with a thump, and the blankets on your back slide off pathetically. 

This type of shock doesn't send you into a full blown panic, not yet. Tapping the 'close' button, you exhale and watch as the page reloads. Searching for the 'Midterm Exam' assignment ends up being a useless, piteous effort. It's now listed under the locked 'Past Assignments' bar.

"No. I turned it in." You lean back in your chair, shaking hair back from your face as you give yourself another moment to think. "Yeah." It's kind of a lie, you think. Maybe just speak it into existence. Falling asleep in the middle of an online test is simply not possible. Not for you at least. Not one that's worth 50% of your grade. Not one that you were sure you already finished last night after you showered. 

*

"It wasn't submitted, I'm not sure how else to tell you this."

Sometimes, things just fall apart.

"I swear I submitted it. I did it when I got home last night."

Your hybrid schedule due to the pandemic has you at a socially distanced desk for 4 hours every Tuesday and Thursday, and the masks make it hard to see if your teacher has an expression of actual sympathy or just really needs to shit. Eyes alone are not enough to piece it together, you realize. He slips this red piece of paper onto the surface of your desk before moving on to the student behind you. 

It's asking for a guardian's signature of knowledge that you failed to turn in your midterm. 

Across the room leaned up against the far wall, Na Jaemin holds his red card too. He flicks it loudly, his eyes dashing over the brim of his white sanitary mask from left and right as students pass by.

'the desks are socially distanced but students are allowed to get up and walk around and talk to their friends lollll'

Incomes a text from Chenle from the front row, glittered with emojis of zany faces and tongues. 

'stupid af' He texts again, his head swiveling to face you to see if you're checking your phone. He turns back.

'how tf did you get a red card???'

You sigh, brushing hair out of your face before texting back.

'i feel asleep before i clicked the submit button'

'bruh' Chenle replies after a short moment.

'i heard if you do a sport or like lead a club or something the principal will just like let u graduate anyway'

He texts again, tacking on an emoji of a cat smirking.

‘i’ll be fine it’s just gonna suck to get my mom to sign it but she will understand… i got the whole rest of the semester Dw dw’

Your eyes go a little blurry with sleep, sneaking a glance at Jaemin against the wall as you yawn. He's typing something rather ferociously on his phone keyboard. His hair is dyed a chestnut brown, his roots grown out an inch in black, swept forward falling over his eyes. 

*

You have been on the same bus as Jaemin since your 10th year at high school, transferring from an online school experience suddenly after a move. Growing up with close to no one you could consider a friend, Jaemin was the first person who ever caught your eye enough to call it interest. He was peak ‘public school’. He seemed friendly, charming, athletic, outgoing— he was the stop right after yours and was always running after the bus. Waving his arms as he chased it down until someone in the back would call up to the driver to tell him he missed someone. It felt like a scene from a movie, like there was no way that he was not the love interest.

Never did he ever forget to shoot the bus driver this breathless smile as he took the stairs two at a time. So hopped up on adrenaline and determination it made your head spin. In the Summer, the humid mornings with the sun already risen in the sky, dribbles of pearlescent sweat beads would slither down his temples like cobras, and in the Winter, the sky would be dark and ominous and Jaemin would board with a cherry red nose, only visible by the bus' interior lights. Every morning you watched just for that same smile, and every morning each one was more charming than the last. You watched again and again, just to dart your eyes away as soon as he finished giving his thanks to the driver.

Everything changed, whether it was the changing of the seasons or the changing of semesters, everything changed except Na Jaemin's stupidly charming smile. Your pupils would fall to your bag in your lap to twiddle your thumbs and deal with these childish feelings that boil up and bubble over like a science experiment gone wrong. 

He was so super popular because of his endless prettiness and confidence. One time he came to school in a crop top and got dress-coded. He was even seen arguing with staff in the middle of the hallway holding the wrist of another student, bickering endlessly until the staff argued back with words just a little too big for him, words that left Jaemin just a little too quiet, and then he would just smile— laugh at it. The girl with him who had tears in her eyes over their failed attempt at a protest patted at his back for them to leave. He moved on, but never gave up. He would try again in a month. He was unstoppable. He’d lose with a smile.

That's probably one of the most disappointing things about the situation of the world right now. It may sound selfish and of such the tiniest amount of importance, but the worst part of the masks and the social distancing was easily missing out on Jaemin's smile each day. No matter if he was pissed off, shocked, confused, disappointed, he would smile that beautiful smile that would make you feel like projectile vomiting glitter.

*

Somehow everything he did was interesting. Attention-worthy. Your head lifts up from its downward position, relocating to face where you last saw Jaemin, but he's missing.

There's suddenly 3 messages from Chenle.

'after school today, let's go get snacks.’

'oh wait does the red card mean detention?'

'earth to my astronaut?? helloooo'

You sigh, running your fingers along the edge of the thick paper thoughtlessly. "Ouch!" Comes shooting from your mouth, your body jolting in your seat. Your blood oozes in a thick stream from the fresh cut on your finger, instinctually, you draw it to your mouth. The rough papery material of your mask presses to your lips, and shaking your head out of the clouds helps you realize the last minute you lost to your daydreams. There's a stifled laugh from the side of the classroom, and for a moment you split to smile back at them with your usual "Yeah, I'm kind of an idiot sometimes. It's okay!" reassuring aura, but this time it's not a friendly face among your acquaintances of peers, but Huang Renjun and Jung Sungchan.

There's something so unnerving about being laughed at by students who you just have the most powerful sense of superiority complexes from. It's not like they've ever been outright mean, but with students so judicious, sometimes they don't have to be mean to feel mean. Like they must just already have everything so carefully set up for them that they have not a single care in the world. Like they're above high school and probably understand how investing in stocks works (Cool people don’t understand stocks!) and have their life planned out til 40.

The worst part is that Na Jaemin is standing there next to them. His eyes fall flat of emotion, his face is angled down at his phone, but his eyes, heavy-lidded, are staring at you. Your hand slides across your face, arm covering your mask and its fresh blood splotch, turning your head to face the window.

*

Sometimes you wonder how Jaemin can deal with so much attention. With eyes that seem to always be on him. Of course your eyes were a part of them too… something deep inside hoped he could tell you thought of him differently. It wasn’t just that one day with the crop-top, before that he would get dress-coded everyday for his shoes. He would wear Converse, black on black instead of the dress shoes all students were meant to wear. He used to be given notes to bring home every single day. It took a month or two for them to just give up on him changing for them. Some people saw it as him being stubborn, or said it had to do with how much money his parents made, but you thought it was a small type of heroism.

Detention is packed, seriously packed to the brim, students overflowing the desks and crammed into all corners of the classroom. It's definitely not following coronavirus regulations, but at this point you're less than surprised at your country's 'safety in the education system' plan. More than anything in this moment, you'd pay to get a glance at Jaemin. Wherever he may be smushed, you just knew he must've looked amazing. It felt like an insatiable addiction to just take glances at him throughout the day, like, A Little Fix Here! and A Little Fix There! With a fresh mask on, you felt like you could take on the world, like, sure, you made a fool of yourself earlier– but he probably doesn't know who you are, so it doesn't even matter!

Your phone buzzes from deep inside your bag, and you begin searching for it instinctively before the instructor at the front of the room makes some lame call-out for you to stop. A mere "Oh, shit. Yeah." slips off your tongue before you lean back up to your desk, but your head hits the underside of the hard surface. The quiet class, filled to the brim with students, all turn and stare. Your hands fly to grip at the desk you just hit your head on. Today isn't one for the books, obviously.

"You're alright." Whispers from the windowsill, and your brain shuts down.

It's Jaemin.

His hand is atop your head, petting carefully.

You don't even know how it got there, or when all of this just decided to take place, but today is now absolutely the best day ever. Totally one for the books!

"Thank you." You whisper back. It's kind of coy and cute, and you don't mean for it to come out that way, but your nerves have encumbered you from saying anything even slightly self-assured.

"Take care of yourself." He whispers again, this time, it matches your tone. Bashful. "You hurt yourself a lot nowadays." 

"Oh." Comes tumbling from your lips before you can catch it, scrambling for words to act as a proper response to what feels like flirting. Is it flirting or just genuine kindness? So he saw you earlier, is this him bullying you? Why was it so sexy though? Is it Na Jaemin or is it Eros? Aren't they sort of the same thing at this point?

His hand falters from your head, and your own darts up to smooth down any misplaced strands of hair. Jaemin swings his legs back up onto the vent before him, leaning his back against a beam between two large windows. The room is quiet besides some whispering here and there, but before Jaemin can help it, he returns to face your desk again. His legs fall over the edge of the sill again, slouched comfortably. Thighs spread like syrup over hot pancakes, his hands running down his slacks until they pause at his knees, smoothing wrinkles as he goes. He's leaned much further forward now, and his breath is calm. Warm and subtle, he blinks through dark eyelashes and asks 

"Why are you so nervous?" 

Probably the worst thing to ask someone who is nervous. He continues, "Is this your first time in detention?"

You exhale deeply, there's not even an effort in trying to conceal it. It's like a boulder has just been heaved off of your chest. He isn’t flirting, he’s just being nice. "I should've guessed. You have big eyes that look to explore, but you're keeping to yourself." 

Interesting. Almost poetic.

"Would you rather me talk to you?" You ask, suddenly feeling a chill up your neck. When were your eyes ever considered big?

"No." He answers, soft and serious before his eyes squint in laughter.

Short puffs of contentedness leave your nose in muffled exhales. Everything feels so right at this moment. "Same here." 

"Too bad." He whispers, this time, the hair that has feathered over your ear brushes against your cheek when his breath reaches you. It smells like coconut and spearmint, he chews gum behind his mask, which is obviously outlawed. You know he’s a rule breaker, but now he’s breaking rules around you… it’s sexier. He's flattening himself out even more now, practically folding to reach his arms to cross over themselves on your desk, head falling atop of them. "Have we met before?" He blinks up at you, kittenish and cute.

Internally, you are scolding your heart like a dog that jumps too much. Down boy! Calm yourself! But the ba-boom, ba-boom grows stronger, louder, and Jaemin is just getting closer, and closer. "I don't remember. I don't think." 

"You don't think?" Jaemin repeats, his beaming smile lights up his face, although he's got a mask on to cover the best part, it reaches his eyes easily. Somehow it comes with great beauty and delivers great anxiety. "We're on the same bus. You don't recognize me?"

"Oh!" You beam back with overzealous surprise, you big fat fibber. "You're on bus 127 too?" You nod, his Converse with the tears in the canvas nudging against your shoes. 

"Yeah. I thought we made eye contact a few times. I guess my face is more forgettable than I thought. Darn." At this point, his fingers are tracing circles around scribbles on the desk. It's so painfully obvious you've been caught and he thinks it's hilarious to see you suffer so immensely. He knows you've been watching him all this time, it's humiliating.

Something inside, lost in the depths of repressed feelings, clicks in that moment. Like, is this it? Are you just another privileged stupid asshole that has fun messing with people who fall for your amazing face? "Dumbass." You gasp, hand flying up to your masked face, eyebrows darting up on your forehead. "Sorry. I didn't mean to say that."

"Dumbass." Jaemin repeats with a scoff and a laugh. "I'm not a dumbass! You're the dumbass. I'm not blind, you look at me all the time!" He's whisper-shouting and some people are starting to glance over in your general direction. "Why would you possibly stare at a person so much? Because you have a crush."

"I do not have a crush, Jaemin. You wish." 

"So you do know me?" He leans back up against the window sill again, his right shoulder resting on the support beam. 

The teacher up front smacked the yardstick on the chalkboard twice, dismissing students in a matter of seconds. Jaemin is quick, his foot slamming a strap of your backpack on the floor. You look up, one hand around the free backpack strap, the other pressing down on your desk. You glare at him for a second. "Do you know my name?"

"Y/N." 

There's this slow motion moment of silence where you realize, "Wait, you know me?" 

"Since the first day back to school. Where you sat in my seat on the bus with your hair all sweated to your forehead and your lunchbox in the aisle." You stare up at him, maybe two or three inches below. Why is blinking suddenly impossible? "You had the baseball cap you used to wear, the red one." He motions a hand to the left side of your forehead, mimicking the brim of the cap. The classroom is empty, your knuckles whitening at the tautness of the pull on your backpack. "Let go for a minute." He asks, and it feels very genuine, so you do.

"I have to go home and study, like now. If I fail this class I'm done for." You push in your desk chair and look back up at Jaemin. "I would really appreciate my bag now." You lay your hands out flat, palm up. Somehow there's tears swelling in your eyes, and if you cry right now, that'll be super embarrassing. So you close your eyes to hold them back.

It's quiet for a second until two footsteps place Jaemin behind you. His hand envelopes a shoulder as he drags a strap over each one. It's scary how careful he is.

"There." He whispers, it's very quiet. "I'm sorry." He says, so quiet it's like he wants to not be heard. 

"Sorry." You return, opening your eyes again. The window shines in the brightest sunshine you've seen for a while, you blink a few times and wipe away wetness before turning around. He stands lanky and still, head hanging mysteriously low in shame. "Don't feel bad, sorry I didn't react like how you're used to." 

"I'm not used to any response at all, that was my first… statement."

"Confession?" You correct, and watch as his eyes trail back and forth between the tiles on the floor. His hands fiddle at his sides, fingers touching each other all over. You take quick steps and wrap your arms wide around him, feeling the back of his neck in one slide of your palm, his hands reaching back out just a second too late. "Bye." You mumble, prancing itty bitty steps out of the classroom before full-on sprinting down the hall. 

*

'youre so weird Wtffffff why didn't you like be normal omhgh y/n'

'i don't know it was so awkward i wish i was never born'

'but u hugged him AAA'

'it was so bad please i like ran away afterwards it felt like kindergarten'

'its okay dw you can try talking to him more tmrw!'

'i have to focus on school now tho? like what are the fucking odds that the minute i actually am being forced to do better in school is the minute the loml confesses to like, being interested in me…'

'fail the class, join a club. trust me.

HOLY SHIT Y/N, TWO IN ONE. JOIN THE BASKETBALL TEAM!!!

I kind of wanted to join too… and ur like kinda tall… i believe in u'

’chenle i dont like sports and there is nothing in the world that could convince me to join.’

'just do it trust me jaemin is the only good one so even if ur bad u will blend in… plus maybe u can be like omg Jaemin how do i dribble omg i only know how to dribble drool down my jaw staring at u mwahmwah and then he'll be like Oh same let's make out'

‘chenle.'

'hehehehe'

*

The bus ride is quiet, some gentle stirring every once in a while from the few seats behind you, but your heartbeat is all that you can focus on. The ride is suddenly so much longer than you're used to… every turn the bus makes in the direction of Jaemin's stop is a step closer to imminent doom. 

Today is no different from the rest, Jaemin is caught waving the bus down with swinging arms and curved eyes, boarding with a bow before making his way down the aisle. It clicks quite quickly where he is planning to sit. Normally he gets on, takes a few wide steps, and plops himself in one of the first few seats. His eyes find yours almost instantaneously upon boarding, his palms smacking the corners of each seat as he passes them.

"No, no, no, no, no" you find slipping out from under your breath as he nears your seat until he's shoving you in the direction of the window with a giggle.

"Hey, buddy~" Jaemin sings out, smiling dangerously through his mask. His legs spread out wide and his black converse position themselves in opposite diagonals, creating an obtuse angle. Feels like you're back in Trigonometry. Your eyes zig-zag between the seat in front of you and the window out to your right. Ruffling the front of your hair a little, you adjust yourself to face him, just slightly. "There you are." He whispers, his eyebrows smoothing out after a quick bounce. 

Your heart takes precaution.

"I was worried you might ignore me, actually."

You hum a little note. "I'm surprised you're not ignoring me. I thought you might've been embarrassed."

Jaemin contorts his face slightly, tilting his head to the side, leaning until it falls against the seat in front of you. "Embarrassed? Why? What happened? I'm sitting here because this is my seat. This is the first time we are speaking." He holds out his hand, offering it. “My name is Jaemin.” His other hand traces shapes into his right thigh, maybe it's a nervous habit.

"Oh?" You catch on quickly, "Nice to meet you, Jaemin." The bus slows into a full stop to pick up a few more students, they take wide-legged steps down the aisle. The boy in the seat next to you disconnects eye contact for the first time since he boarded.

Each small pothole in the pavement rattles the bus gently, but Jaemin turns the small tremors into earthquakes, making sure to knock knees and shoulders at every small jostle, side-eyeing your reaction at each touch. There used to be something so terrifying about thinking of talking to Na Jaemin, like he would be too cool, or just think you were boring… but it's so different now that it's been put into action. He's cheesy, and embarrassing when it comes to showing public affection. This bus-ride twice a week leads to many 'Scandalous Public Transport Assignations,' as Jaemin labeled them. Smiley, tossing winks and sometimes a Brownie Bite from his lunchbox. The 30 minute bus ride would feel like 2 minutes next to him. 

*

“Today, you should come with me to basketball practice.” Jaemin is downing his half of the blueberry muffin you provided him with, speaking with full cheeks. “You can meet the other guys, and…” He brushes crumbs off of his lap. “I want them to meet you.”

“Wow, that’s forward.” You look over to Jaemin, who swallows the rest of his muffin with a loud gulp.

“Too forward? Aren’t we dating?”

“DATING?!” You yell out in shock, which causes multiple heads to turn and face your direction. You pass shy smiles and apologize softly to some people near you, sinking further into your seat. Brushing a strand of hair back with your pinky, you bite at your cheek, trying to think of the right words. Jaemin is sitting next to you, shoulders tense. “Okay, sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” Patting him uncomfortably on the shoulder seems to do the trick! That is, if the desired outcome was for Jaemin to appear extremely embarrassed. “I don’t remember ever… agreeing to that.” You smile, and Jaemin’s shoulders drop significantly. 

“But we sit next to each other on the bus every single day.” He mimics a friendly wave, “And we wave to each other like this in the hallway!” Jaemin shuffles through his bag until he finds his milk carton. “And we give each other gifts.” His eyes blink rapidly, remembering something. “And you already hugged me.”

Your ears sting with hotness. “Okay, but those are things friends do too. We haven’t even been on a date, or ki...ssed.” Somehow it's hard to even say the word in front of him. Both sets of eyes fall to the floor of the bus. “I know we got close fast, but… If I’m going to date someone, even if it’s someone I’ve liked for a while… I still have standards.” Jaemin looks up and nods suddenly with determination. He brings his empty hand up from his side and offers his pinky.

“Promise me if I do those things, I can tell people I’m dating you.” 

Wow. It’s kind of baffling. He’s uncontrollably cheesy and really bad at stuff like this. Maybe romcoms have set your expectations for high school boys a little bit too high. 

“Okay. I pinky promise.”

“Stamp it.” Jaemin commands. “Sign it.”

“Copy it.”

“So dramatic…” You push his hand back into his lap and fold your fingers together. 

Jaemin is smiling.

*

Two weeks later, Jaemin frantically texts you 13 times in less than 30 seconds.

‘hhey y/n’

‘this isvery important’

‘Respondpls’

‘My mom saidtaking my phoneaway’

‘Bc failing english and’

‘Help’

‘y/n my bus buddy’

‘PLSSS’

‘M also fail math n scienc’

‘I have an iddddea’

‘REPSOND MYABY’

‘LIFE OR DEATH’

‘CALL 119’

‘WHAT????’

‘JUST CALL ME…!!?’

And so the phone rings.

“Hi, my baby. Here’s the thing, I have this great idea. And it will work. Because my mom doesn’t know about you-”

(Why doesn’t his mom know about you? Your whole family already knows about Jaemin! This is embarrassing. I mean, you have only been talking for 3 weeks, and you did say you wanted to take things slow, so why is Jaemin the one who’s treating this like one big-)

“Agree? It’s a good idea right? Then we can spend time together! Infinite dates!” Jaemin finishes, his breath pouring into the phone in loud intervals as he wraps up his speech. Unfortunately, very little was heard or understood, so a simple- “Of course! Let’s do it!” suffices to make Jaemin happy. 

The only downside is you’re completely unsure of what you have just signed yourself up for.

* It only takes 4 seconds with Jaemin’s mother to greet you with: “So you must be my son’s tutor!” to get you up to speed.

“Yes, Miss Na. Here to help with the classes he’s struggling in.” You beam, realizing you are ill-equipped, hands empty besides your special green pen with sparkly ink. “And, um, Jaemin said I should just bring myself- since he has his textbooks with him!” Scratching at your left shoulder, you hope she doesn't notice the bead of sweat forming on your forehead.

“Of course, of course. Well, come in, might I add- you are just as cute as a button! I set out some mango for you. You’ll be okay at the dining room table, I presume?” 

“Gosh!” (You haven’t heard that exclamation come out of your mouth in ages.) “Thank you so much, and yes, that’s perfect.” Peering past Jaemin’s mom as you step inside, slipping your shoes off, you notice that his house is much different from yours. The ceilings are very low, wallpaper is seen peeling at the seams, and the floor is scuffed where you stand. Although clean, this house is struggling. Jaemin is at the table, his feet curled up onto a dining chair, making the hole in his sock visible. 

“Now, do you have a running rate for your services? I know it looks like we don’t have the most money, but I work long hours and will be able to afford what you deserve. His education is everything to me.” Your heart breaks slightly, and you shake your head side to side. 

“This is just volunteer work for the school’s Honor Society, don’t worry.” You make your way to Jaemin, who’s smiling at you from his seat. “The most I might need is… a signature? To mark off my hours...? If that’s okay.”

His mom’s eyebrows bounce in amazement. “Jaemin told me it might cost a bit, so I was really prepared! Please, if you need anything, let me know. Thank you so much. I have a shift in about 20 minutes, so I need to be on my way. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She lets her palm slide down your arm and kisses Jaemin on top of his head, and then she’s gone. 

The door slams and you turn your head to Jaemin with fire burning in your eyes. “You were going to have her pay me?! What is wrong with you?” 

“You are seriously going to tutor me, why wouldn’t she pay you? I wanted to be fair.” He rolls his eyes and lets his head fall back against his neck. 

“But you’re-” your eyes scan the entryway and dining room, fist balling.

“Yes, we are not rich.” He sits up properly in his chair. “Doesn’t mean we just get out of paying for things that you are meant to pay for.” He shimmies in his chair. “We aren’t slimy, and don’t think my mom only took your offer because she was excited to get out of paying. She believed you. That’s why she took it.” His palms fall flat on the table as he hoists himself up.

“I don’t think that!” You argue, “Don’t say that. I don’t think like that. Learn to trust a little, Jaem. I’m your friend, I didn’t want to be paid because I’m your friend. She works hard and doesn’t deserve to have to deal with you failing all your classes because you think not trying is cool.” 

“I think trying is not cool? Are you serious? Is that the person you think I am?” Jaemin’s face gets bright red at that one. 

You stutter slightly at the sight of him angry. “I didn’t mean that. I just said it, I don’t know why.” He laughs like he’s really hurt, like he’s so baffled he ran out of viable words. You don’t think you want to be here anymore. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s study some English, then.” He sighs out.

You quickly learn that Jaemin is not the type to say something impulsively. That doesn’t mean he won’t crack a joke that objectively sucks or make a funny noise when he realizes he’s been quiet for too long; but rather that when he means to speak seriously, he will think it through thoroughly beforehand. He chooses his words carefully, even if they don’t sound carefully chosen, (his vernacular kind of lacks…) He just wants to be understood in a way where whatever he is expressing is exactly how he wants to express it. This is a great talent, one that you most definitely do not possess. 

You’re in the middle of analyzing a poem when Jaemin interrupts you. “I do try. I try really, really hard.”

“I know.” You say, quietly.

“No, you don’t. Because what you said earlier must’ve had some truth to it. At least from your perspective. Now, I want to explain my perspective.” He looks up to your eyes without ever moving his head. His eyebrows furrow harshly as he thinks, and then lifts his head. For the first time in your life with Jaemin, this is the first time he’s looked so serious, the first time he hasn’t been smiling. “You are one of the only people on this Earth; besides my mom, that I actually want to make proud.” He fiddles with his pencil before letting it fall to his notebook page. “Everyone works at a different pace, you know? I work slightly slower, and that doesn’t mean I’m not trying- it doesn’t mean I’m stupid. It just means that I need more time to figure this shit out.” He shrugs in his zip-up hoodie, feeling the end of its sleeve between his fingers. “Who knows, maybe my end product— whether it’s a math equation or an essay, is better written, easier to understand, is...” He displays his palms in a ‘you get it’ manner. “There are a lot of students who struggle the same as me. We all try. It’s just different for us— learning is different. Please don’t just assume I don’t try because I don’t do well.”

Your eyes trace along the lines of his face for a moment before looking down at the sentences on the book below you. “I understand. I’m sorry. I hated how I said that so carelessly. I-I am proud of you. I am proud of you for many reasons. I want you to be proud of me too.” There’s a little silence afterwards, just so he can think about everything, process it. He whispers a “Thank you” and you complete one more problem before he’s back to spacing his eyes around the expanse of the room. It takes a minute or two until Jaemin is back to smiling, but the pain of worry stings his eyes, obviously feeling more than he wanted to let on. He opens his mouth a few times to speak before shutting it with a shake of his head. It hurts your heart more than you expect it to. “I’m only worried if I lose my position on the basketball team…” He stutters for a second, motioning with his hands. Looking away for a moment with his palm over his mouth. “I don’t want to lose this thing I love, and I don’t want to let down my team, and I don’t want to… to lose potential scholarships or let down you or my mom.” He forces this extremely weak smile and twirls a pencil nervously. “So… I’ve got to give it my all.” You lean back in your seat, and watch him come to terms with the feelings he's realizing that have suddenly begun to overwhelm him. “I’m gonna tutor the shit out of you.” His eyes dart up to you, scanning over your face before a smile tugs across his lips. This one is real, like he believes you. His head drops back to the paper on the table before him. “Don’t worry. You’re not losing anything or letting anyone down.” You tap your pen onto the next essay question in his homework, “I won’t let you.”

Jaemin leans over the table far enough that his butt leaves his seat so he can wrap his arms around your neck and rest his chin on your head. It lasts for a moment, then he pulls back, scoots himself in, and picks back up his pencil.

*

That Thursday, Jaemin and you stay after school. He has basketball practice, and asks you to wait in the gym as he goes into the locker room to change. They don’t wear masks, you guess because it could be hard to play with them on. There’s already a few guys dribbling a ball around and chatting while they wait, their shoes squeaking intermittently. “How do you know Jaemin?” One of them asks, you don’t recognize them from any of your classes, but Sungchan stands slightly behind him, ajar, watching his teammate interact with you.

“Same bus, actually.” You throw a thumb behind your shoulder as if you’re pointing to the bus lanes. They’re actually in the complete opposite direction. You hope he doesn’t notice.

He starts making his way over to you. “Oh cool. He’s one of the best players we've got.” He nods, beckoning for Sungchan to come join the both of you. “This is Sungchan, and I’m Jeno.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N.” Your shoulders instinctively broaden, like some intimidated wild animal. They’re taller than you. Jeno… not by a lot, but Sungchan has quite a few inches on you. Jeno says some stupid thing under his breath, something like… ”Rad,” “Epic,” or  “Chilllll.”

Explosive laughter echoes from behind you, and Jaemin is jogging up in athletic shorts and a jersey. “So awkward, Jeno.”

Jeno’s face flushes, he smiles, spinning around in an embarrassed circle, flourishing with the ball between his fingers. “Trying to welcome your newbie, leave me alone!” He bounces off towards the basketball hoop with big bounding leaps.

Sungchan gives a weak smile. “Nice to meet you.” You nod back, if anything he seems more shy than intimidating now. Jaemin pats your shoulder, poking a finger into your lower back to get you to start moving forward with him. You trail behind Sungchan as a few more boys come out of the locker rooms, boisterous enough to get you to turn back to watch them trickle out. Jaemin smiles at you, craning his head over to you, blocking the view of the door. 

“I’m the cutest, trust me. Don’t bother wasting your time.” You smile back, turning forward as he pulls his hand back to his side. You believe him.

*

Jaemin texts you a picture of him with the rest of the basketball team, each one of them cheesing so hard that their eyes are all swallowed up. They surround their coach who in turn, holds Jaemin up on his shoulders. Jaemin has his fingers gripped tightly around a small trophy. You have to pinch and zoom in pretty far to even see the little gold award. Nonetheless, all of the boys look ecstatic.

‘Yessss!!!!!’ you text, littering the chat with confetti poppers and balloons.

He responds with a close up picture of him pouting his lips. ‘Where do you want it?’

You pull up your blankets out from under you, nuzzling your cheek into your comforter. ‘butt’. You type out, searching frantically for a gif after the read receipt pops up.

‘Your wish is my command.’ He responds, signing off the text with an emoji of a peach followed by one of a kiss. You smile big.

*

Jaemin is the same as always at school, only sometimes he glances over at you, mid-conversation with a friend and nods a slight smile, even across the entire room you never miss it. It’s low effort, but it feels like the best thing in the world. It makes you think to those bus rides where you didn’t know him at all, and how each season he looked more boyish than the rest, floppy and carefree and completely exasperated by his sprint to the bus doors. It was flashing shades of red and white and you wonder what he looks like now. You think to yourself how lucky you feel now. You don’t look away when he boards, or shy away behind the person’s head in front of you. He looks for your eyes and locks into them before you have time to pull your backpack into your lap. He’s calmed down now, like he understands you better and isn’t just being loud to cover up hidden worries. He squeezes up close and leans his head on your shoulder, he’ll lay his head down on your lap, and he will grab and hold your hand like it’s everything he will ever know. The red glow of the interior bus lights slide over the side of his face like a painting and he whispers homework answers like love poems. He’s easy, like it was always meant to be this way. You wonder how you ever lived without him.

*

It’s nearing the end of the semester now and tutoring Jaemin has been enlightening. His mind is beautiful and he never fails to surprise you with his specially hidden sensitive brilliance. It's dark when you finish up Jaemin's English packet and his mom arrives home with a noodle dish in a plastic to-go box. She sets it on the table and pushes it between the two of you. "I just ate some on the bus home, so I'm full. You two can share if you'd like. Again, Y/N, thank you so much for your kindness. I can sign now, then I'm off to the shower." She smiles. Jaemin gives a side glance that just screams 'She's never that nice to me!' And you can only reassure her that it's no issue, and Jaemin is a determined, creative learner. His ears blush with a saturated pink when his gaze shifts from his mom to you. His mom signs off on your paper and shuffles into a dark hallway behind the both of you.

"No way you actually believe that…" He fiddles with his warm ear between his index finger and thumb. 

"Of course. You go after what you want." 

Jaemin laughs and his hand falls into his lap. "Right, just very very slowly." You're packing up your textbook as you shoot him a smile.

"And? You said it. Different paces, it's alright. You have such a fun way of going about answering things. You can see in your work that you see the world differently from everyone else. You see it with hope.” You pluck the pencil from Jaemin’s loose fingers and tuck it into your pencil case with a smile. “You're smart."

His eyes light up. "Wow, no one has ever said that to me before. I could kiss you right now."

"But… should you?"

"Should I not?" Jaemin has this smile that glides across his face and eyes blink slowly, like a cat showing its affection.

“You can, if you’d like.”

Jaemin laughs sharply, rocking back in his seat with his palms pressed firm against the edge of the table. His smile falters into a downturned expression of focus. “No, because— I’ve dreamed of this…” He stands out of his seat, turns around and paces a few times across the dining room and through the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” You laugh, standing up to watch him. “Jaemin.” You place your pencil case on the table, folding your arms as he continues pacing.

“Wait, I can’t do it now. Give me like, 5 minutes.” He pauses, turns, faces you, and points. “I need to get you by surprise.” Then continues walking back and forth.

“I don’t want to be kissed by surprise, I want our first kiss to be…” You motion with wide swinging arms. “Like, kind and…” Your hands cup and cradle the air.

Jaemin stares, nods slightly like he’s factoring in a few different possibilities and outcomes, and then returns back to his seat. You stare down at him for a second, and his eyes flicker up to you for a moment before returning to his homework. He spins a pencil around and between his fingers.

“I want to like… make out.” You say softly, watching him from above. He stops pacing for a second, processes, then continues. “I want to… touch you all over.” Your stomach turns harshly, and Jaemin freezes again, his body still. “I want to have—”

“Y/N! You’re still here. You’re usually on your way home by now, aren’t you?” Her voice is slightly stern, your eyes bulge and flicker between Jaemin and his mom. Neither of you dare to move. Your logic is: Maybe if you’re super still, she will forget the last 10 seconds.

It does not work.

She clears her throat, and you see her hair wrapped in a towel, pajama-clad figure just in the corner of your peripheral vision. You think you might pee yourself out of fear. “Need anything else signed? A ride home?” You can only shake your head slowly before turning and swiping a few papers into your backpack, gathering it up and walking to the door without ever glancing back at Jaemin. 

“We’re dating. I’m their boyfriend.” He spits out, Jaemin’s voice makes your head whip around, and your eyes skip back and forth between Jaemin and his mom. Your heart is beating out through your ears. “We were going to kissssss...” His words fizzle out and his eyes shift between his mom and you as you attempt your daring escape. He points down at the table, finger pressing into a notebook. “Go.” He whispers, and you both sprint out the door.

The moonlight cuts through the trees as you walk down the street. Jaemin doesn’t usually walk you home, but since the sun has been setting earlier and it’s getting colder, he has been occasionally joining you. He hooks your elbows like a barrel of monkeys. 

Jaemin laughs so hard he has to wipe tears from his eyes. “I thought she was going to actually strangle you, throw your body across the room like a doll.” You lean forward and back again as you laugh, Jaemin steps heavy with tireless energy and silent laughter casts over the street.

“We’re-dating-I’m-their-boyfriend.” You mock him, and he shoves you with a shoulder off the curb. You try to catch yourself, pulling your hands out of your pockets a second too late. Jaemin grabs your arm and pulls you back to him, shouting apologies up until you can steady yourself. “You’re so cute,” you whisper. He pulls you into his chest and you lock eyes for a moment, it’s almost romantic before you stick your pinky in his ear. At this point, you’re sure you’ll keep sabotaging yourself out of this excitement until you’re both 80. It makes his shoulders jump and his neck go limp, his arms noodling and recoiling away from your touch. You both laugh until you make eye contact again.

“I like you. I really do. A lot.” He gushes, his fingers sliding their way up your sides to pull out your ears.

“I like you when you’re ugly.” He pushes your nose up, snorting like a pig. “I like you when you’re beautiful.” He lets his fingers trace down your neck, kissing you twice, chastely on your jaw. “I liked you when you took my seat on the bus.” He folds a hand around your wrist. “And I liked you when you left your lunchbox in the aisle.” He kisses again, another time on your cheek.

“But I like you the most, the absolute most…” He kisses your bottom lip, giggling as he moves his way up, angling himself with a slight bend to his knee “…when you like me too.”

☆

(masterlist) ☆ (nct masterlist)

[alpaca-clouds]

A bit of storytime

Okay, this week I wrote about some pretty heavy stuff in regards of capitalism and all of that. So, let me end the week with something more light and maybe just a bit inspiring.

I want to tell you the story of how my roomie radicalized herself.

Now, my roomie and I are living together for about three years now. And when we met she made a big big point about being centrist. And about making fun of everyone and, quote, "hating all people equally".

You should know, my roomie is female, queer and disabled. Her boyfriend is also disabled (like badly disabled - he is blind and in a wheelchair). But she still was very, very centrist and in the lines of "police is actually good" and "communism is a bad word".

By now she isn't. And the story of how it got there is kinda a funny one.

When we moved in together, I was already starting to identify as anarchist, while she did not want to hear anything about that. In fact she made a rule of not discussing politicis with me. And she stuck by that. While I was radicalizing myself further through seeing how capitalism failed us in the pandemic, she... didn't.

That was until June 2021. When she suddenly came to my room and was like: "So, the police is actually bad, isn't it?" I, dumbstruck, was like: "Uhm, yeah. Obviously. Where does this come from?" And she replied: "Yeah, I just heard what they are doing to the indigenous people in the USA and Canada. And that is bad, right?"

Me, who at that point had been following indigenous rights movements for a good while was like: "Yeah. Sure. Uhm, do you want some reading material on that?" And while she did not want reading stuff, she took the podcasts I offered for it eagerly.

I still got curious, though. Where did this come from? So I did some prodding. Asking her about it. And it turned out... It came from true crime.

June is not only pride month, it is also indigenous peoples month. And one of the true crime channels on Youtube she was following did a whole month worth of videos on MMIW, which also went into how the police are not following up on those cases or are, at times, responsible for what is happening in the first place.

And this was, what convinced her that, indeed, the police might not be a good thing.

Now, outside from giving her those Podcasts recommendations, I did not do a thing. I did not go all anarcho-communist on her or anything. I just... let her roll with it. And rolling she did. In the end she came out on the socialist-communist end of it. Because it turns out that you barely can learn about decolonialisation and indigenous rights, without ending up at this point.

Why am I telling you this?

Mostly, because I found it kinda wholesome. The fact that she did not go and end up left-wing because she realized the harm done to herself by the system - but because she realized the harm done to other people and found it unaccaptable.

It is also showing one thing: Usually the entire pro-capitalist worldview needs just one little crack to crumble.

Personally I found, that for many the crack is climate change. But as you can see... It is not the only possible crack that can happen.

Which is why it actually is important to teach people. And be it online.

We also need action, yes. But also education. Because education is our friend.

[contemplatingoutlander]

Excerpt of Kari Lake interview with 60 Minutes Australia

Kari Lake is a dangerous, dangerous politician.

And she might become the governor of Arizona.

Above is an excerpt from Kari Lake’s off-the-wall interview with Liam Bartlett for 60 Minutes Australia. It is worth your time to watch the entire interview, which you can see HERE (at these video times: 12:37 - 14:23, 16:17 -19:07, 20:14 - 20:33). 

During the interview, Lake uses the Trumpian defense techniques of lying, grossly exaggerating, attacking others, and projecting what the GQP does onto others.

In the video clip above, we see that when Lake doesn't like the direction the interview is going in, she accuses the mainstream media (and Bartlett) of being "conspiracy theorists." The interview goes downhill from there. Here’s part of the video transcript: 

LAKE: Maybe they get away with that stuff in Australia. Perhaps in Australia because you've given your rights away; you melted down all of your guns, and you guys have no freedom that you find that okay. But here in America we do things differently. We have something called the U.S. Constitution and we have rights.”

BARTLETT: So we’d be better off having more guns here. I mean, what? You would be better off—

LAKE: Yeah, you would. You absolutely would, sir. You absolutely would. I feel so sorry for the people in Australia have no power. The only thing keeping us from being Australia right now is our second Amendment, and we will never, ever let that go. Mark my words. What we saw happening in Australia where you have internment camps, and people are being forced, if they've encountered anybody with COVID, to be locked into a quarantine camp is the most horrifying thing I think I've ever seen a government do.

BARTLETT (Cross-talking): Would it—

LAKE (Cross-talking): It's frightening, and if you if you can't see that I feel sorry for you.

BARTLETT (Cross-talking): Would it have been better-- 

LAKE (Cross-talking): This is our last question Liam. We have to run but thank you for your time. 

BARTLETT (Cross-talking): Just, just answer me this one question. One, one more question, Kari-- 

LAKE(Cross-talking): Well, no, I've already told you we're done. Thank you so much.

BARTLETT (Cross-talking): Well, just-

LAKE (As an aside as she is getting up to leave): That guy's a complete nut. Seriously, a complete insane person.

I have honestly never seen a less professional and over-the-top interview by a politician as this one (and that’s saying something, given some of Trump’s interviews). 

Heaven forbid Lake ever makes it into federal politics where she has to deal with international representatives. 

I mean, accusing Australia of having COVID “internment camps”!😱 It’s not surprising that Kari’s statement is based on right-wing misinformation. Australia built a quarantine facility for travelers coming into the country, whether or not they were vaxxed. Most countries during the deadly COVID pandemic had quarantine requirements for incoming travelers. Kari’s comment was completely outrageous given the reality of what was actually happening in Australia.

Clearly Lake is used to American journalists who don’t push back on politicians who lie or try to evade answering questions. Lake’s meltdown in the above video in part was probably triggered by Bartlett’s previous confrontation of Lake’s claims that the 2020 election was “stolen” (shown in an earlier part of the interview not included in the above video). 

When Bartlett pushed her, Lake had the audacity to say that the bogus “forensic” Cyber Ninja Arizona audit proved that the election was stolen. Uh, no. In fact, it supported the fact that Biden won Arizona and that there was no substantial voter fraud in Arizona’s 2020 election.

Unfortunately, Lake is charismatic and there has been some talk of her being a VP candidate if Trump runs for president in 2024. 

Let’s pray that she loses Arizona and is also ignored for federal office. 

[edited]

[ina-nis]

Oh, yes! The answer to loneliness is just to go out and find your community, go places, talk to people and connect with them! Everyone is capable of doing that, and wouldn’t you know the whole problem is capitalism/social media/pandemic and whatnot! We have to learn (again) to reach out to each other, to help one another, and let yourself be helped. To listen and to talk. That way, you’ll never feel isolated or alone again!

...

Except if you have Avoidant Personality Disorder.

That’s a sure way to guarantee you’ll never be able to connect with another human being in your life. Not in any meaningful way, not in any long-lasting way, not in any way that will not be traumatizing.

AvPD is... interesting. You must check several boxes to, maybe, approach people and even that is not enough. Nothing is safe enough.

The very concept of “community” or “connection” is alien to you. But you do try...

And your attempts to connect result in more disconnect.

There’s something inherently “wrong” about you - and it doesn’t matter if this is exclusive to yourself or everyone everywhere suffers from the same issue, that doesn’t heal you (or them, for that matter). You keep on longing.

Yeah, sure, you enjoy your solitude but after several years of denial, loneliness isn’t exactly letting you do the whole self-help/care, hobbies and distractions anymore.

Once you’re aware of your own loneliness, none of the things you do by yourself to cope help. Ironically, trying to surround yourself with others doesn’t help either - that’s probably caused by AvPD.

You’re at a loss about what to do: isolation doesn’t help, connection doesn’t help, embracing your solitude doesn’t help, being with peers in your community doesn’t help either.

It looks so “easy” for other people. Even when it’s hard, it doesn’t feel like it’s impossible - hence, they keep on going - everyone can do it if they want to, or they can find alternatives that work for them. They don’t live in suffering, they cope, they mourn, they move on.

You live, and thrive, in avoidance. And you know avoidance will just cause the problems to grow larger and deeper, but you’re out of options. What else are you supposed to do?

You have this very specific need and for as long as it’s not met. Everything is meaningless or become meaningless. Your life is meaningless and everyday you spend your everything, your time, your energy, your sleep, into giving life meaning, because if you stop, your health will deteriorate, you’ll be sick and you’ll die. Or you’ll just continue the cycle of avoidance until it kills you. Either way, you’re dead and it’s going to be a very painful and lonely one.

How can you keep on going when all the options are so bad? When everything feels so exhausting and pointless? When it’s just going to take so much damn time (that you don’t even know if it’s going to be worth it but the alternative is suicide so... yeah, then what?)?

It’s ironic...

“What gives me hope at this point?”

The longing, maybe that need too? The very things that are dysfunctional, the very things that are making your sick, the very characteristics of AvPD.

A longing and a need that’s... natural to many people, that you see in yourself as something flawed and wrong, because your brain functions differently, and you don’t have many other people you can compare to, because they don’t have this issue. You’re singled out and around peers like you, there’s only more despair and no answers... they all have (or had) a longing, and a need, too.

Maybe it’s something there, you just have to find it.