#meaning that the spots they dont have bones can sort of melt back into the body

[fandyjam]

quick shitty mspaint doodles of my jam hand headcanons. handcanons?

[seraph-of-sizes]

unsure if you write for them (feel free to ignore if you dont!), but g/t hcs for beidou and/or kaeya?

It was kinda hard to think of much for them since I don't have an established narrative of how tiny folks would be treated in Gen.shin. But here ya go!

============================================

Beidou: Love her so much, I was a Beidou main for a tiny while before Kazuha had his rerun.

Giant/human size:

Large and in charge! She isn’t one to tiptoe around tinies, she would rather them either be able to tolerate her as her usual self than live around her in potential misery. It’s nothing personal, but if she lets just any ol’ tiny on one of the Crux’s ships someone is gonna get hurt.

She would happily let tinies sit on her shoulders, in a pocket or two, she’s never been more grateful to sleep like a corpse, since she doesn’t have to worry about rolling over and hurting anyone using her as a space heater.

If this woman ever met a tiny’s child, she will melt. Like her hard-headed attitude crumbles around infants, and tiny ones even more so. Like, what do you mean this little rice grain is a baby?

Beidou regularly makes stops in ports more often when she notices certain tinies are getting restless, since she knows the telltale signs of their need to move homes. 

She finds it crazy that some tinies like to be held and manhandled, though she hides her confusion with amusement as she becomes a jungle gym for the more energetic tiny kids.

Tiny/borrower size:

Good luck finding this woman if she doesn’t want to be found.

Regularly fights things that normal borrowers would run away from. She gets a reputation as a tiny that’ll fight a human if she has to.

She would likely find her way onto the Alcor at some point, and eventually she would end up as Captain through sheer will alone. 

She would be very particular about who can hold her, as much as she trusts certain people, she knows her life is literally in their hands. The only ones she trusts to grab her are Ningguang and Kazuha.

Kaeya: I would be lying if I didn’t say he carried me in early game. His Summer outfit is so pretty too.

Giant/human size:

TEASING. This mans needs to chill out (heh) or he’s gonna inevitably give a tiny a heart attack. He has been reprimanded more than once for dangling tinies by the backs of their shirts, or drinking alcohol while he’s supposed to be keeping an eye on the tiny ones of Mond.

As the Cavalry Captain of the KoF he sees more tinies than most normal citizens, since the KoF is responsible for the wellbeing of ALL citizens of Mond, big or small.

During the summer tinies will come find him just to be near him since his Cryo vision keeps the air around him cool in the overbearing heat of the summer. He makes a huge fuss because he can’t move with so many tinies on him, forcing him to sit down and work on paperwork all day. He loves it though.

In the winter the opposite is true, no tiny braves the cold air that seeps into their very bones while snow blankets the streets outside. It’s common for Kaeya to drink a lot of tea and coffee so at least his hands aren’t freezing cold if he has to pick up a tiny from outside.

Very few borrowers in Mond know about K’hanreiah, so he doesn’t feel as ostracized around them, and he can listen to compliments about his eye without flashing back to the day he got his vision.

Tiny/borrower size:

If Kaeya was a tiny, his whole life would likely have taken a much different path. Either the fight between him and Diluc never happened, or it did but Diluc quickly realized his overreaction and apologized. 

He would be far less cynical and could be spotted running all over the Dawn Winery’s main house. He would befriend all sorts of folks that would come to do business with Diluc, and would act as a second pair of eyes and ears for his brother. Especially if the Fatui is involved.

[sunflowersteves]

𝒏𝒂𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 ❅ 𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒍𝒕

𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: Geralt likes to punish you when you’re being naughty.

author’s note: this isn’t very holiday themed but i hope you all still enjoy!

warnings: fluff, afab fic, SMUT!!! a little degradation, dom/sub, edging, semi-public sex in snow dont @ me ok, [18+ only]

holiday prompts m.list

Heavy blankets of snow covered the small village whole, prompting everything to look as though it was a winter wonderland. Even the wood-burning fireplaces couldn’t stop the cold from towering over and leaving valleys full of little snowflakes.

Usually, you and Geralt would be situated in one of the pubs, relaxing with a nice pint of ale. Jaskier would be near you, most likely right beside the fire as he strummed sweet tunes. Yennefer would have her arm around you, swaying gently to the music. 

But that wasn’t tonight, no.

Tonight, you were pressed up against the outside of the pub while the cold air hit the base of your cheeks.

Geralt was peppering kisses up and down your neck, occasionally stopping to bite down on that sensitive spot. 

“What you pulled in there was unacceptable, sweet girl.”

Throughout the whole night, you had been teasing Geralt. It first started with a hand on his knee, occasionally squeezing around him in comfort. Slowly but surely, your hand started to move up to the inside of his thigh. 

He had sent you plenty of glares, but every time you’d act like nothing was wrong. Your hand even got to the point where you kept grazing his semi-hard cock. That’s when he had had enough and practically shoved out of the pub.

And now here you were, back aching from the hard wooden wall and nose runny from the cold. Some snowflakes instantly melted when they hit your hair and skin, while gusts of wind blew through you and your Witcher. 

It wasn’t ideal to be fucking in the middle of a snowstorm, but you didn’t have very many options. At least the powerful storm could hide your desperate pleas and whines. 

But your body still felt fiery, as though the cold wasn’t even there—the heat radiating off of Geralt was practically scorching.

His hands rested on your hips as his tongue ran along your collarbone, sucking just enough to make you whine. 

“I know what you were doing, pretty girl. You wanted me to take you out here in the cold and fuck you senseless, hmm?”

You could only let out a whimper as his hand trails slowly down to your throbbing core. He lifted the ends of your dress, your legs fully wrapped around his waist. His hands explored the crevasses of your legs; the rough calloused hands make you shiver as poke and prod. 

“Answer me.”

You hated how much control he had over you, your body and mind already melting into him as his lips connect just below your jawline. You hated how much you wanted him—needed him, so fiercely that it burned. 

“Yes. I-I wanted you fuck me out here, I—”

His hand was dangerously close to the slit of your entrance. His mind became almost foggy as his abilities picked up the sweet smell of your cunt. His finger teases the beginning of your slit, a gruff moan leaving his lips. You were already so wet. 

“Good. Then that’s what you’ll get.”

He inserts his middle finger, and you yelp in surprise, watching as it easily slides in and out of your folds. You couldn’t believe that he let you go without being punished, just immediately giving you what you want. However, you weren’t going to question it. 

The squelching sounds would normally be louder, but he could hear it, his cock twitching at it. A smirk rests on his lips as he stares into your half-closed eyes. His finger brings you no mercy, just pounding over and over and over again. 

His hands always pleased you to no end, filling you up so nicely. One of his fingers was like three of yours, hitting every single spot you couldn’t. 

Your walls clench around him as he inserts another finger, thick and wide as he fucks you relentlessly. Your hands move to grip his forearm, nails digging into the surface of his skin. You let out garbled sounds, on the edge of being a cross between a moan and a whimper. 

“Geralt, please!”

“What do you say, little flower, hmm?”

You opened your mouth, but it just hung open, whines and whimpers leaving it. You were so unbelievably close, your core aching for some type of relief. Your slick had covered his whole hand, and you could almost see the end, the sweet euphoric end. 

“I’m s-sorry, Geralt. Please, please, let me cum. Please!”

But then, he stops.

You whine loudly, your body thrashing slightly to see if there was any sort of friction. You wanted to hate him so fucking badly. That bastard had taken away your pleasurable bliss. It was all because you had teased him a little in public, and that set fire in your bones. 

“Oh, little flower, did you think you could get out of punishment that easily?”

Your eyes widened, “Geralt, p-please, I’ll be good. I’ll be so good for you and your cock—”

He tsked, pressing sweet little kisses along your chest. But you knew better, you knew it was all a rouse. He was ruthless; he was unrelenting. He gave you everything, all at once, to then take it away like it never happened.

“Please! Please, let me feel your cock inside me. I-I need it!”

He has the audacity to chuckle, “begging won’t get you anywhere this time, little flower.”

He drew achingly slow circles on your clit, letting your desperate whines fill the air. Your body squirmed and wiggled, desperate for anything and everything more than what he was giving you. But he wouldn’t comply, he wouldn’t give into you. 

“You look so divine like that, little flower, just begging for my fingers to get you off.”

It felt like it had been a millennium by the time he started rubbing faster, sometimes pinching and grabbing the swollen nub.

He’d smirk every single time it made you jump; his eyes never left yours. He was intoxicating, the atmosphere around you was completely taken over by him. 

You were getting close again, he could tell. Your face was screwed up, gasps and pants leaving your beautiful lips. Your pleading never ceased, even if you knew it didn’t get you anywhere. You knew he loved it when you begged. 

“Are you close, little flower? Do you want to soak my fingers?” 

You nodded, wantonly mewling at his fingers seemingly deeper and deeper inside of you.

But then he stopped, again.

“Such a pity I won’t let you.”

He let you plead over and over again, the smirk never leaving his features. He watched you beg so desperately that pre-cum spilled onto his trousers. You were such a sight, and yet he didn’t give you what you wanted. 

“You brought this on yourself. You will face the consequences of your actions, little flower.”

He did it five more times, out in the blizzarding cold. Five times of giving you the brink of an orgasm to then take it away like you were just something to play with.

He enjoyed it, that much you could tell. There was a twinkle in his golden eyes when he watched you so utterly dire to feel anything. 

Your body was almost entirely frozen. It probably would have if Geralt’s body heat didn’t protect you. You honestly should probably go inside and get warm again, even drinking some of Jaskier’s hot chocolate to feel the hot spices rest in your belly. 

But gods—you didn’t give a fuck. You didn’t care less if you got frostbite or froze to death. All you wanted was for Geralt to fuck you senseless. You were getting tired; your body was limp now from all of the teasing and tantalizing. 

Your cunt was leaking, slick spread all around your thighs and even on your hiked up dress. Your clit throbbed, your cunt ached. It was torture to feel this way, to feel the pure anguish of Geralt’s punishment.

Tears sprung to your eyes, and Geralt never missed it, a feigned pout on his lips. You started to beg again, but this time your desolation became prevalent and loud.

“Please,” your voice became weak, “No more teasing, Geralt. I need you. I need to feel you. I-I can’t —”

You don’t know when he sprung his hard cock out and shoved it inside of you, but he was pounding into you, fast and hard. You mewl once again, the feeling almost unreal. You were finally getting what you wanted. 

“Have I been too mean to my sweet girl? Was I being too harsh, hmm?”

You nodded as he picked up the pace, slamming into you while you’re trying to grab at his broad, large shoulders to brace yourself. 

“Fuck, you feel so good, so warm and tight.”

Your back was going to hurt tomorrow, you just know it will. You’d been up against it for what felt like an eternity. He was deep inside of you, his eyes darting from the look on your face to watching his cock disappear in your cunt. Your walls clamp around him, nails digging even harder onto his back. 

“Cum for me, my love. I want to feel you cum on my cock.”

Your screams become louder in the air as he hits just the right angle, over and over. You try and brace yourself as your walls flutter. Hearing his low moans of your cunt milking him was getting all too much, the coil immediately snapping. It hits you hard, his name the only thing that comes out of your mouth like it was a prayer. 

Watching you come undone so ferociously and hard made his cock twitch. He knew he wasn’t far behind you. Your screams never ceased as he continued to drive into you, hips slightly stuttering as he released into you. 

Your body was fully limp now on the snowy ground. You didn’t want to move, your eyes becoming heavy. He lets out a small content sigh, trying to clean you up the best he can. He was especially gently over sensitive areas, knowing that it might sting. 

He picks you up into his arms and pressed a light kiss to your temple. The snow falls lightly onto his hair, his warm body just now picking up how cold you’ve become since you laid across the ground. 

His heart soared as you snuggled closer into his chest, “let’s go back inside, little flower.”

witcher: @harrysthiccthighss​ @borkingbarnes​ @dreams-of-sunlight-and-starfire

permanent: @captainchrisstan​ @angstysebfan​ @teenagereadersciencenerd​ @rebekahdawkins​ @hailmary-yramliah​ @buckybarnesplumwhore​ @stardust-galaxies​ @wiccanmetallicrose​ @keithseabrook27​ @hereforthesunrise​

[tumblunni]

Ohhh fuckin geez at least let me has a pikachu

Today's update: still feeling all fucked up from Everything Happening At Once, also getting a migraine from all the stress the other day and how i basically didnt sleep for two days and then passed out today and lost the entire 24 hours. Like man i cant even say the family shit was yesterday?? It just feels that way cos i spent all of today either sleeping, crying or crying on the phone to the bank and the stupid online game store that took my money for pokemon preorder yet didnt send me the actual game. GAHHHH and ive forgotten to Eat Food for like the whole three days all this shit has been going down, aside from a handful of Starburst candy my sis gave me during our Big Awkward Moment. And the energy drink i chugged on the way there to meet her because Fuck I Need Awakeness To Comprehend This Shit. I think my stomach is exploding in on itself.

Anyway! ANYWAY!! Gahhh! Anyway!

Thank you mega fuckin big much to the friends who leant me money AGAIN, both to catch the midnight bus to meet a long lost sibling and also to fix this stupid game preorder bollocks. God what the fuck is up with my life? I feel so guilty asking for money and man you guys have leant me like 300 in the last 3 months! Fuck i hope this stupid cavalcade of finance problems stops soon and i can start paying you all back because JESUS CHRIST. I feel like my skin is melting off my bones whenever i think about how much i dont deserve such great friends! 'welp yeah theyre wonderful people, guess i lost an arm' You ever wanna cringe yourself into a little ball from embarassment? Yeah like that but so much that i disintegrate into atoms.

SO I HOPE! FOR FUCKIN GODS SAKE! That this stolen money zero game bullshit gets resolved soon. But there's no chance of it taking less than a week, so thank you SO MUCH for helping me place another preorder at a different more reliable shop! This is what i get for fuckin going bargain hunting aaa. I ordered pikachu version just in case the original order does somehow turn up, cos it was eevee version. But i got none of the preorder bonuses anymore and no pokeball controller on this. I guess maybe itll make my second playthru more fun if i can finally use the damn controller, haha! And this second copy is probably gonna arrive quite late now cos i missed the preorder window. But it should be either on saturday or monday which is way better than waiting a month or something chasing up this bullshit! And hopefully also in a week or two i will get the money back from selling alll those preowned games, and it can go towards A: GROCERIES and B: repaying bebst friends of reckless money giving. You guys are fuckin nuts, seriously!! And man god i hate that im still suffering this knock-on effect tight finances bullshit from the stupid mental hospital thing 3 months ago. I mean i failed to even last a month there and its cost me almost a thousand pounds in terms of stocking up the stuff to be able to move house temporarily, all the mobile data i had to use while being without internet while i was there, all the miscellaneous expenses along the way, and then all the bill debt and having to restock tolietries and groceries and everyries when i got back home. Sighhh! And i feel guilty that i bought a stupid warhammer starter kit around halloween and i still havent even opened it because The Guilt. Like man i should have somehow predicted there would be more money trouble and saved that money rather than make a selfish purchase. But like it was the cheapest beginners kit anyway and i even haggled a discount for getting the figures without the paint. And now im being selfish and getting this pokemon game!! Twice!! Because stupid fuckin online banking nonsense!! Godddd give me back my money so i can give it to my friendsssss

So yeah in summary Bunni Feel Bad and also Overwhelmed and also Bad. But hopefully stuff is sorted now. Gah!

Also probably will be some delay on doing a lets play of this new pokemon cos i dunno when its gonna arrive and also i feel Big Sick now and need to chug a paracetamol and eat a loaf of bread before i die. Hope i dont spend all weekend just passed out on the sofa from Too Much Braining In One Day. Srsly why did this all happen all at once...

Also i probably wont go with the idea of twin protagonists headcanon for this LP, cos the whole Untimely Lost Sibling Madness kinda made that a sore spot to think about. One good side of getting the version i didnt want is that i can pick the female protagonist if i get pikachu version, and go with the personality i was gonna use for the female sibling. Cos actually it seems that your rival dude's perosnality is kinda simular to what i was gonna do for the male sibling? Could just have that sort of relationshup as a best buddies thing. And playing as a sassy roughhousing jock girl protag is gonna be more fun than playing The Nice And Shy Dude which is basically what i always do in every game cos its just me??? Would get more fun character lets player contrast with protagonist Darcy.

Also fuck i am gonna have SO MUCH to talk about in this first episode! Watchers who dont follow me on tumblr are gonna be so confused. "Hey youtube i just got out of mental hospital and found my long lost sister who thought i was dead, anyway never mind that lets talk about pokemon! I was gonna say i dont have any baby pictures of me when the original Pokemon Yellow came out, but here's the one i found on a facebook obituary for myself yesterday..."

What the fuck is my life, seriously?

Also if my starter ends up being a male pikachu im gonna name it Chuppy after my original one in pokemon yellow. And if its a girl i'll call it Ghostwriter after my mimikyu and pretend that its a mimikyu that just has an extra high quality disguise. Seriously, picturing all of these cute antics and tiny costumes on mimikyu makes it all even sweeter to me! I love ghosties!!

LOL I JUST REALIZED MAYBE IM A GHOST TRAINER COS I WAS "DEAD" ALL THESE YEARS AND DIDNT KNOW IT

Seriously man if there are any parents out there reading this, dont fuckin lie to your 4 year old that her sibling is dead just because the dad divorced you. There are no words for how fucked up this is. Except 'oh i guess thats why my favourite digimon frontier character is duskmon'. I fuckin thought that plot was unrealistic when i first watched it! XD actually i think duskmon is straight up my favourite digimon design and the one i'd probably pick as my partner, even though i prefer Impmon's plot from the third season. I kinda wanna go make a fanmade full evolution line for Duskmon now?? Man why am i getting so wildly off topic!

I really need to eat a food and sleep a sleep

[artificialqueens]

Alaska's Christmas Extravaganza ~ Hobnob

AN: You know, i love this time of year but people seem to really miss the true meaning of Christmas. I felt obliged to put it into context for the lovely folks at home. Lets have a look at some reviews shall we?

“The spelling was ok.”- Daily Mail

“There was a good attempt there.” -The Sunday Times

“I think i need to watch the show before getting any of this sweetie.” -My Mum

I hope Shangela reads this and finds the strength to win AS3~ Hobnob

–The scene sets in a small living room, adorned with various Christmas ornaments strung up around the mantlepiece. A crackling log fire fills the air with a certain smell akin to the time of year, and occasionally spits the odd ember onto the beige carpeted floor. An artificial tree in the far corner emits a low hum as it partially lights the dim room. Three individuals inhabit the area, sitting on a rather worn looking sofa whilst watching BBC news in ugly Christmas sweaters.–

Jinkx: Alaska you little shit.

Alaska: Hiee.

Jinkx: The nextdoor neighbours said you smothered their Christmas tree in faeces and ate their dog.

Alaska: (Gnawing at a bone) I can’t help it. Christmas is shit.

Jinkx: (Getting up and turning the telly off) You’re gonna have to go get it together before we go to my nans Christmas party on Saturday.

Alaska: If you make me go i’ll set her milky eyes on fire!

Jinkx: Jesus christ Alaska thats messed up.

Alaska: Yeah well you’re jewish. You don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Alaska: Christmas can suck my wang!!

Roxxxy: (Speaking up with a mouth full of mince pies #thickandjuicy) Sounds like you need…the spirit of Christmas.

Alaska: The spirit of Christmas?

Roxxxy: Didn’t you know? Legend says Shangela has the ability to grant unlimited holiday cheer with a single holy halleloo.

Alaska: Gay.

Roxxxy: (Sobbing, but continuing to eat) Its not gay Alaska!

Roxxxy: And you’d better find your Christmas cheer before Jinkxseses nans party.

Alaska: I don’t see it for me but ok.

Jinkx: I won’t have you ruining it like last year.

Alaska: Wasn’t that bad.

Roxxxy: You killed 5 salvation army workers with a decorative star.

Alaska: And I’d do it again!!!

Alaska: I couldn’t care less about that party. I don’t care for Christmas. Tiny Tim can contract ebola!!

Roxxxy: (Checking her casio sports watch) I’m late for the bus guys gtg. Bingo is in half an hour.

Alaska: Hmmmm…the spirit of Christmassssss🤔🤔🐍sssounds gay…

–Alaska gets up and walks to the window. The snowfall isn’t all that heavy as small flakes are illuminated by a street lamp with lewd drawings carved into the side. She could drive around to find the Shangela, except she owned a BMW, and rear wheel drive is shit in winter so she’d probably crash into some schoolboys on their way home.–

Alaska: Jinkx i need a lift.

Jinkx: I can’t, my cars in the shop.

Jinkx: you keyed the entirety of Aja’s Valentina speech on it last week.

–A shadowy figure in a Santa hat approaches the window and taps the glass with a skeletal finger.–

Ru: It’s me, God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: It’s me, Rupaul!

Alaska: Rupaul? I thought Miss Fame set you on fire for eating meat?

Ru: (Neck rolling) My body is an illusion chiilde. My existence is merely a string of conscious decisions ive made prior to this mortal realm.

Alaska: Party.

Alaska: Please mawma. Help me find Shangela so I won’t be a cunt to my loved ones all the time.

Ru: Well…i suppose I’m all out of queens to block on twitter…

Ru: Aight lets make this quick, i have a bingo game in half an hour.

–They both get in Rupauls Toyota Camry and speed off whilst remaining under the speed limit. Road safety is important at this time of year as 70% of road collisions occur at Christmas.–

Alaska: (Shedding her skin) Where the bloody hell would Shangela be?

Ru: In todays maxi challenge, we’ll be traveling to the happiest place on earth!

Alaska: Lapland?

Ru: Close.

Ru: Scotland!

Alaska: Oh.

Alaska: (Hissing at the radio) Change the station rupaul this is making my ears bleed.

Ru: Oh? But this is the latest hit off my smashing Christmas album, ‘The beggining of the realness glamazonian peanut walk-the rumix.’

Alaska: Well turn it off. Its upsetting Jinkxes nan.

–The pair of them turn around to see Jinkxes nan having a Christmas seizure.–

Ru: If you don’t like it Alaska, get out. I don’t have to put up with tomfuckery. I’m God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: No yes thats right.

–Alaska ejects the CD and throws it outside at a schoolboy. She takes a CD from her bra and pops it in as one of her many compelling songs begins to play.–

Alaska: Anus now available at your closest pound world.

Ru: Get out.

–Alaska is thrown out the car into a pile of snow.–

Alaska: Fuck you Rupaul you saggy bastard!!

Ru: See you at all stars 17 lad.

Ru: (Neck rolling) Oh you…forgot this.

–Rupaul throws Jinkxes nan into the pile of snow and speeds off.– Alaska: Shit.

–Alaska spots a warm glow in the distance. On further inspection it’s a humble pub. She approaches it, stepping over Jinkxes nan along the way. Once inside she spots a booth of old geezers.–

Alaska: Mrs. Kasha Davis? Tempest Dujour? Why you here?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Us old folk have a hard time finding a place to stay during winter, and you know what they say!

Alaska: There’s always time for a cocktail?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: No. Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Tearing up) I have no grasp of my drinking problem and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been help me please.

Alaska: Lol hiee.

Tempest: Your aura is jacked. What’s troubling you?

Alaska: I need to find Shangela. Legend says a single halleloo can light a soul on fire with Christma-

Tempest: Dont talk to me about legend you lanky shit. I invented that story.

Tempest: Besides, that’s just a myth i created.

Alaska: But why Tempest?

Tempest: To get those kids off my danm lawn!

Charlie: (Raising her pint) Here here!

Alaska: Then that means…I’m doomed to hate Christmas forever…

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yeah looks like it.

Alaska: I think I’ll go watch the Sherlock Christmas special.

Alaska: Thanks for literally nothing.

–Alaska hangs her head and pushes a pint glass off the table sadly :( She begins to exit the pub.–

Charlie: Wait!!! You have passed the test.

Alaska: (Turning back around) Pardon?

Charlie: Most people prefer the Doctor Who Christmas special, but the Sherlock Christmas special is far superior. You have passed the test.

–The seniors huddle together and whisper amongst themselves before turning back to Alaska.–

Tempest: Shangela is in fact real.

Tempest: We were only goofing you before because you’re sort of a dick.

Alaska: So Shangela is in the happiest place on earth Scotland?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Guffawing) Dont be silly.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Scotland doesn’t exist. Shangela lives in Sheffield, up in the block of flats behind Lidl.

Tempest: I hear the Lidl fruit cake is very good this year.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yes Ive heard that too.

Tempest: Mmm very good.

Charlie: Bit too dense for me. Gives me diarrhoea.

–They all look around to Alaska who’s disappeared.–

Tempest: Shit.

–Around an hour later and Alaska finds herself outside a large council estate. She travels up the flight of stairs to a door with a Christmas wreath. She rips it off the door and knocks. A Christmas present rolls out the door and Shangela pops out.–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: Hiee are you…

Alaska: (Looking down at her hand) Shanjello?

Shangela: Maybe i am. maybe i arent.

Shangela: I just huffed an entire tube of paint i genuinely don’t know anymore.

Alaska: This entire holiday is aids.

Alaska: I got frostbite on the way up and i left Jinkxes nan to die in a pile of snow.

Alaska: I need some Christmas spirit.

Shangela: (Taking out a fat blunt and taking a massive chong) Listen here you lanky shit.

Shangela: Many before you have tried, and most have failed.

Shangela: Just like on drag race, consequence for failure…is death.

Alaska: I’m not sure that’s correct.

Shangela: Yeah sorry its the drugs.

Shangela: Alright go get me some Lidl fruit cake and i’ll give you my sweet Christmas goo.

Alaska: Ok but i never want to hear the phrase ‘sweet Christmas goo’ ever again.

Alaska: Biee

Shangela: (Waving and grinning) No problem giant purple rat.

Shangela: Is the sky melting?

–Alaska makes her way inside Lidl and grabs a big ol fruit cake. At the counter she couldn’t help but feeling she knew the cashier dressed up in a reindeer costume. She pushes a schoolboy over and places her baked Christmas goods on the counter along with a litre bottle of tizer which was only a quid insane bargain.–

Raja: 3 quid mate.

Alaska: Raja??? You work in Lidl???

Raja: Aye.

Raja: You know how it is. Crippling debt and all that.

Raja: Turns out 75,000 pounds goes quickly if you spend it all on grey hair dye.

Alaska: I didn’t ask but ok, werk.

Raja: What are you doing here? You hate Christmas and seasonal foods.

Alaska: it’s not for me, Shangela is exchanging Cake for Christmas spirit.

Raja: (Gasping) That idea is a boot from me. Shangela is a very vengeful and evil spirit!

Raja: OI RAVEN.

Raven: (From across the room working another counter) WHAT.

Raja: THE CUNTS ONLY GONE AND MADE A DEAL WITH SHANGELA.

Raven: WELL GET HER OUT THE STORE I WONT BE CLEANING UP BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR.

Raja: (Turning back to Alaska) Would you like a bag for an extra 5p?

Alaska: Vengeful spirit? What are you on about?

Raja: Well, back on our season there happened to be a Christmas challenge…

Raja: All was going well. The room was full of seasonal cheer! That was all until a large box was rolled out and we were all proper gagged.

Raja: Shangela popped out of the box after being eliminated from last season. She was ready to snatch the crown by any means necessary.

Raja: As it turns out she did so badly in the challenge, she landed herself in the bottom 2 once again.

Raja: Fuelled by her hatred for tulle fabric and Mimi Imfurst, she managed to stay in the competition. But at a cost…

Raja: Ever since, she’s hated Christmas! And steals the souls of those who cannot bring her Christmas cake!!

Raven: RAJA DID YOU TELL HER THE STORY?

Raja: I’M TELLING IT NOW FUCK OFF.

Alaska: (Hands over the money) Sounds fake.

Alaska: See you at Jinkxes nans party!

Raja: Bye.

Raja: Daft cunt…

–Back outside Shangela’s door, Alaska knocks three times. Did she have anything to worry about? Was Raja’s warning true?–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: I brought you fruit cake.

Shangela: Who are you?

Alaska: We met 10 minutes ago.

Shangela: Ah! Giant purple rat!

–Alaska hands over the cake and Shangela observes it for a moment.–

Shangela: This…this i-is not Christmas fruit cake…

Alaska: Oh man really? Haa i must’ve picked up partytime gyozas by accident my bad.

Shangela: (Fists trembling as she goes red) YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE..

Alaska: Omf the look on your face right now…priceless.

Alaska: Hey what’s your wifi password?

Shangela: IM-IM.

–Shangela begins to transform as she morphs into a disgusting snowman creature. Finally she lets out a blood curdling screech and lunges at Alaska.–

Shangela: HAAALEEELOOOOOOOOOOO

Alaska: (Dodging Shangela’s punch) Hmm i think Raja may of been on to something…

Alaska: I’d better get out of here huh.

–Alaska begins to boot it down the stairs, Shangela hot on her heels, throwing glasses of Absolut cocktails at her. Alaska’s lanky knees give way as she clatters to the floor. She was at the mercy of Shangela, who towered over her menacingly.–

Shangela: I DONT HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE IVE NEVER HAD A CHRISTMAS CAKE IF I WANTED CHRISTMAS CAKE YES I PROBABLY COULD GO OUT AND GET ONE BECAUSE I AM WHAT? HUNGRY. YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL BABY EVERYTHING I HAVE EATEN IVE WORKED FOR AND GOTTEN MYSELF I HAVE BUILT MYSELF FROM THE GROUND UP YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Alaska: (Cowering and shaking in fear) IM SO CONFUSED IS THIS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING?

–Suddenly a Toyota Camry screeches to a halt. The door opens and it’s Rupaul!–

Ru: Alaska! Get in!

–Alaska picks herself off the floor and hops in the car. They speed away as Shangela runs after them, her snowman body gaining power in the heavy snow.–

Alaska: Rupaul? Why did you come back?

Ru: Ive been listening to Anus!

Ru: I relate a lot to the message of nails.

–Shangela lets out another roaring halleloo as she continues to throw acid cocktails. Alaska cooks up an idea stew.–

Alaska: Ru! Drive back to Jinkxes house!

Ru: What? Why? She’ll destroy the place!

Alaska: Trust mawma.

–When they arrive at Jinkxes house Ru does a sick tailspin and stops in the driveway. They leg it inside as a confused Jinkx is setting out party foods and drinks.–

Alaska: JINKX! DID YOU BUY CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE FOR THE PARTY?

Jinkx: What? Yeah it’s my nans favourite.

Alaska: Your nan is dead Jinkx!

Alaska: Go get the fucking cake!!

Jinkx: Wait what?

Alaska: No time to explain go grab the cake!!

Jinkx: Did you say my nan-

Alaska: Jinkx really gurl priorities. Get the fucking cake.

–Jinkx goes into the kitchen and comes back with the baked goods in hand. Alaska hurries to the front door and swings it open to find a now 50 ft tall Shangela running towards the house. She readies her throwing arm into Shangela’s agape mouth and takes aim.–

Alaska: Merry Christmas.

Alaska: motherfucker.

–She throws it with her massively lanky arms as it lands in Shangela’s throat. Shangela munches for a bit before nodding her head and returning to her original size.–

Shangela: Bloody good cake that. Aight you’ve earned your Christmas spirit Alaska.

Alaska: Thanks.

Alaska: But you know, i don’t think i need it.

Alaska: I’ve learnt that Christmas isn’t about Holiday spirit, or even our loved ones.

Alaska: It’s about food. I get it now.

Ru: Good job chiiilde. You figured it out.

Ru: Looks like my work here, (Winks) is done.

Alaska: But where will you go?

Ru: Wherever I’m needed.

Ru: Plus i hear Michelle got in trouble with the feds for smuggling coke in her boobs, so i’d better go help her out.

Alaska: Bieeeee.

–People start arriving for the Christmas party. Tempest Dujour, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Charlie Hides, Raja, Raven and even Roxxxy take their places at the table and begin to chow down on the delicious munchies. Just before Alaska goes inside Shangela lets out a small cough.–

Shangela: Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. You’ve taught me the true meaning of Christmas, and I’m forever grateful for that henny.

Alaska: You know…there is an extra place at the table since we killed Jinkxes nan…

Alaska: Want to join us?

Shangela: Well, i am out of paint to huff…

Shangela: You know what? Halleloo i do!!

–And so everyone gathered around for this most festive of holidays, rejoicing and eating those mini sausage rolls that taste better cold. Roxxxy’s bingo game went well, the old folks had a place to stay, Jinkx was sobbing into the tablecloth, and most importantly, Alaska had found out the true meaning of Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all reading this, and i hope you go to Lidl for your shopping this festive season. Halleloo.–

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Ticks

 Isnt it interesting the ticks you develop while trying to cope with anxiety- even being just uncomfortable-full of tension. 

(*Dressed in Black*-Sia)

When i’m overwhelmed with tension...anger, ill roll my neck over and over to try and crack is. rubbing it with my hands again and again. Instantly its a tension headache rushing blood to my head- a gold ball of a knot forming as whatever fuse i have ignites. 

If i’m uncomfortable ill sometimes get hives, on my chest, collar bone, arms. My ears will get itchy and red. my thighs will become uncontrollable itchy under my jeans, like an itch you just cant seem to make go away.

If i’m upset i tend to roll and rub my hands, ill rub my shoulder in a certain spot- my hair becomes uncomfortable, my clothes become uncomfortable- everything gets hot. 

When i was younger i don’t remember when it started...

i don’t remember where i learned it.

Now as an adult i can finally try and look back and do this replay- as i try and watch and figure it all out. 

*Chandelier (Piano Version)* -Sia

When you Google Self Harm a bunch of sites come up about differing from cutting to suicide. As you dip into all the words things like “learning to deal with deep distress and emotional pain” Apparently cutting has some chemical way of helping one cope with the feelings one can express?-feel?-understand?  totally get that- i mean now of course. At the time all you get is a bunch of people and doctors questionably starring and asking why would you want to kill yourself.

..”I’m not.”

BUT alas- i imagine unless you’ve been through it you don’t really understand it.  I guess i was going through some deep shit and had no understanding of how to actually process those feelings and harming myself was; a relief. SOmetimes it felt as if there was this scratch under my skin that i just couldnt itch. When the world flooded in and the noise got to much to bare; just a tiny scratch- and i was able to breathe- i was able to finally cry- i was able to feel. i always felt numb. (emotional bandwidth at maX capacity!) i could neither take in more feelings or even function through the ones i was having. I feel like i was a zombie. recklessly behaving in all sorts of ways- searching for ways to “feel” - not even fee better just- feel. 

i was young.. in love.. heart broken- hurt- happy. it was a wild ride. i would rather not walk down high school memory lane at this moment. lets just say i imagine i was like any other typical teenager, i just couldn't get a hold of my shit-at all. *shrug emoji*

At the time it feels like the world is melting and heavy, but after it feels like a blur- like a black out. All prior chemicals have now left like a flood out of the brain and your left questioning a moment- “did that just happen?” I swore sometimes i didnt even remember doing it- just remember see the small scratches with such curiosity. 

I dont remember stopping. I dont remember the problems going away or feelings disappearing. Just filed into the library of my mind to pick up again if id like to revisit hell. There was no ground breaking “end” ceremony where i pledged to never harm again.  

Time just seemed to go by. I was all a sudden- never really alone that much (as before i was) I soon began a relationship that started young and catapulted me into the marriage i’m in today. For most of the first 7 or so years we spent a large majority of our time together ( quite literally) we worked together, lived together, and spent all of our free time-together.  somewhere in that 7 years i became some else- none of that was on my mind at all.

*Breathe Me* - Sia

It’s very confusing (as a person) because i am generally SUPER optimistic. I literally cant seem to let many things get me down. In most reality scenarios i am the clear headed player who can come up with some happy arrangement and continue through the stress or dilemma with a huge smile. 

Today i continue to be this person but any quiet alone moments usually bring on some sort of tear fest. This flood of overwhelming feels as if i had been holding it all in from some cry before. Its gasping- and tears- and dry eyes and throat. Gut wrenching hurt crying. pure sadness. i can feel it- the sadness- it literally hurts. 

This was the moment i realized i was “one of those people” all a sudden i was my young self- the room got tight- the worlds noise got too loud and the darkness whispered its magic “relief”. deep breathes is an understand. counting. breathing...breathing...trying to breathe. loud music is an understatement. my headphones vibrating against my head to a melody that hopefully numbs out the whispers. and then it would stop. eventually enough music and the monster stops.

exhaustion- hunger - thirst.

if im lucky the word will let me sleep a little. my brain finally quiet.  no thoughts. just sleep.