Look at Us Now - ch. 12
I’m dedicating this chapter to @taylorswift because today is Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) day. In the album’s honor, Rowan’s getting Aelin with those green eyes baby as the lights go down and giving something that’ll haunt her when he’s not around lmao
Warnings: language, NSFW
Words: 4,2K
Aelin was very close to murdering the next person who dared say she was glowing.
She didn’t feel like glowing when she was suspended from the OR until she got back from maternity leave—and no, Rowan had no idea the reason that happened was because she almost passed out mid-surgery.
She didn’t feel like glowing now that she had fatigue and back pain most of the time.
She didn’t feel like glowing now that she had a monthiversary to attend and a belly too big to wear something cute. Aelin frowned at the maternity towel she was wearing. Even those had to be in a whole new size for her.
Groaning, she sat on the bed. She’d meet the Whitethorns once again at the monthly birthday party Sellene threw to her daughter, and the only thing Aelin wanted was to look nice. It was so easy a few months ago, but a nightmare now that none of her cute clothes would fit, and even her Crocs felt like rubber socks because of her swollen feet. Crocs. Her discomfort while pregnant was so big she surrendered to the ugliest shoes imaginable.
Aelin’s preferred thing to wear at home was the biggest dress she could find. Period. Pants became a nuisance when she was peeing more often than not. At least she was in her own house now—the fourth one Aelin lived in since finding out about the pregnancy—and could be grouchy all she wanted.
She stared at her open closet, but wasn’t really looking at it. Just letting the hollowness in her chest take over.
Three knocks on her bedroom door. “Are you ready?”
Aelin groaned. “I don’t wanna go.”
“Oh, thank God.” Rowan’s shoulders dropped, and he immediately texted his cousin while rambled, “I get celebrating milestones, but who in their right mind would invite every Whitethorn in this city to their house every month? Who’s benefiting from those parties?“
Aelin snorted. “Not you.”
“Definitely not me.” He pocketed his phone and sat on the bed by her side. “Alright, now why don’t you want to go?”
She crossed her arms over her belly. “My nice clothes are too small.”
“What?” Rowan asked as if that observation was absurd. “What about the White Hawks jersey you stole from me? I bet that’s the nicest thing you own, pregnancy-sized or not.”
”Not funny.” She only borrowed that out of necessity. Aelin gave him a long look, then looked down at her bump. “I look like I have a watermelon strapped to myself.”
“What about it?”
Her eyes widened. “Are you being serious right now?”
She wasn’t upset just because of the belly. It just added up to the stretch marks, the limited options of clothes, the constant pain, the insomnia—
“What? I—“ Rowan leaned closer to her, looking lost. “What do you want me to say, Aelin? Of course you’re bigger. You’re carrying my baby. That doesn’t make you any less beautiful than you were before.” He caressed her shoulder, eyes roaming through her body as they got a little darker. “In fact…”
“What?” She asked, quickly enthralled by his eyes and hand on her.
Rowan leaned his forehead against her with his eyes closed and whispered, “Do you need me to show you how attractive you still are?”
Aelin licked her lips, trying to think of something to say as the pleasant tingling in her body took over and clouded her thoughts.
He cupped her cheek. “Say yes.”
“Please.”
He took her mouth, kissing her in a gentle and urgent manner at the same time. With her arms wrapped around him, Aelin opened up for him and swirled her tongue around his, making him groan.
She tugged at his clothes. Rowan broke the kiss and complied, but not without taking her towel off as well. He took her in, languid eyes assessing her body and making her shiver with his hungry gaze.
Rowan laid next to her and leaned in for another long kiss, and Aelin’s heart was as strong as her knees got weak. He trailed gentle kisses down her breasts, the dark line on her stomach, the stretch marks on her hips.
“You’re perfect,” he murmured against her bump, caressing it with his eyes closed.
Aelin’s heart skipped a beat. There were three words she felt a lot like screaming, but her tongue seemed tangled in knots when she opened her mouth.
The hand on her bump slid to her folds, making her breath hitch. Rowan kissed his way down until his mouth reached her clit, and—
She groaned. Not a good groan.
His head popped over her belly. “What?”
“I can’t see you down there.”
“Oh.” He frowned. “And you don’t like it.”
”Well, I do like it.” Aelin sat on the bed and tried to look as reassuring as she could. “But I want you, not some ghost pussy-eater—“
“A what?” He asked with widened eyes, his face somewhere between confusion and amusement.
Aelin’s mouth opened and closed as she thought about what came out of her mouth a second ago. “Shut up.”
Rowan chuckled and laid down beside her on the bed, spooning her close as his hand sneaked down her front. “Is this better?”
“Perfect.” Aelin’s breath hitched when he touched her again, her body filled with warmth. “You can also fuck me like this, you know?”
“What if…” he trailed, putting the engines inside his brain to work. “I didn’t?”
Aelin’s face faltered. “What.”
He looked pained beside her. “I don’t want to hurt the baby.”
“Ro…” Aelin turned around to face him and clamped her lips together, trying to take him seriously. “After all the pregnancy books you read, I can’t believe you’re worried about this.”
“I know how you like things. It’s not cervix-friendly.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “And I don’t want the baby to be born with a sunken forehead.”
She couldn’t do it anymore. Aelin took off the invisible seal on her mouth and let out a loud cackle, laughing into his shoulder. From the way it was shaking too, he didn’t seem too upset.
Looking up, she stroked his cheek with her thumb. “Do you know what you’re being right now?”
The smile he wore lit her up from inside out. “A big Buzzard?”
“The biggest of all Buzzards,” she muttered into his lips.
Rowan didn’t reply, he just held her face and kissed her again. It started sweet, with his lips brushing against hers while he caressed her everywhere he could, but he couldn’t control the level of heat after her tongue was in. Aelin brushed her hands over his abs while giving long, fervent kisses.
She whimpered when he got to her neck. “I miss your weight on me.”
Rowan moved them so he was spooning her now. Her belly was too big for him to be comfortably over her, so this was their best option now.
“Is this okay?” He asked against the shell of her ear, making her shiver.
“Perfect,” she breathed when his hand met her folds, stroking before he pressed against her clit. She moaned, intoxicated by his heat spreading under her skin.
Rowan plunged one finger in and then another, making her grind against his fingers. His voice sounded nearly broken when he said, “You’re so wet, I could—“
“Do it.”
He adjusted Aelin’s legs in one swift motion and thrust inside her in another, making her a whimpering mess while he worked her open from behind. Rowan trailed kisses on the side of her neck and teased her breast as he set a rhythm. Aelin was squirming, feeling like she was bursting and drowning with pleasure at the same time.
Rowan fucked her in a languid pace, purring sweet nothings about how pretty she looked and how well she was taking his cock. Aelin's nerves were on fire, and she completely lost sense of composure when his hand went back to her clit.
He wasn’t slapping her ass while sinking so deep she struggled to stay upright, but Aelin liked soft Rowan. She liked this very much.
Her walls clenched around his cock, making his thrusts get erratic and harder than he was previously doing, and that’s what made her go over the edge. Aelin cried out his name, pulsing while shockwaves gripped her body. The noises he was making became strangled, before Rowan thrust one last time and came undone behind her.
He trailed a few kisses from her neck to her shoulder and sank into the mattress, still hugging her close. However, Aelin took two deep breaths and got up as fast as she could.
“Where are you going?” He asked, frowning.
“Squashed bladder!” She called over her shoulder while waddling her way to her suite’s bathroom.
Aelin sat on the toilet, feeling the relief that was just partially because of her bladder getting empty. She closed her eyes. Her heart was leaping, somersaulting inside her fluttering chest. This was good, one step closer to where she wanted to get. Things got too domestic, too cozy for it to be with her platonic co-parent she had non-platonic feelings for. She couldn’t take the friendship arrangement much longer.
Aelin‘s heart stopped when she saw blood on her toitet paper, but relaxed again when she noticed it was very faint and browinsh. Just a little spotting. She’d keep an eye on it, but it was a common thing during pregnancy. Especially after having sex. She smiled at the thought, still a little giddy.
Back on the bed, she didn’t bother getting dressed again before sinking into Rowan’s embrace.
“Everything okay?” He asked while stroking her hair.
She snuggled into him. “Sure thing.”
“I didn’t hurt you? The baby feels alright? Because I read pregnancy sex can hurt—“
“I’m great, Buzzard.” Aelin snorted. “Just a little spotting, but it’s fine.”
Rowan jumped into a sitting position. “You’re bleeding?”
“What? No!”
“I know what spotting is. It’s blood.”
“Rowan, calm down.” She tugged on his arm until he was laid down with her again, but it did nothing to loosen those tight shoulders of his. “It’s a normal thing, but I’ll keep an eye on it, okay? If it continues or if anything else happens, I’ll let you know.”
His eyes looked anguished when he asked, “You promise?”
She gave him a reassuring smile. “Of course.”
“Because you don’t tell me things sometimes. I hate it.”
“Buzzard,” she teased.
They stayed there for a moment, studying each other. She rubbed his frown with her thumb, making him give her a faint smile.
“Aelin, I—“ he sighed into her hair. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
She blinked, slowly processing how her heart sank with his words. Did ‘anymore’ mean ‘while you’re pregnant’ or ‘ever again’?
“Is it because of the spotting?”
He hugged her tighter. “I don’t wanna take risks with the baby.”
“Of course,” was her only reply. She was a little numb, and didn’t know what to think.
If Rowan meant they shouldn’t take risks by starting a relationship and reinforced the reason they decided to stay friends, she was screwed.
If Rowan meant they wouldn’t be having sex while she was pregnant, Aelin would need to wait at least a month after birth to seduce him into being with her.
At least the orgasm made her drowsy enough to sleep.
˜˜
Aelin Galathynius was a woman of many vices.
Her biggest one? Chocolate.
Today, it started when she craved a little dessert after lunch, just to find out her fridge was empty of sweets. And her stash of chocolate. Also the secret stash in her closet as well. If the drawer Maisie hid the sweets she stole was empty too, Aelin would be lost.
Her chest got a little tighter when she reached Maisie’s room. The little girl was staying at her dad’s this weekend, and Aelin missed her sweet tooth buddy and occasional chocolate thief.
When Rowan texted last Friday night to let her know there was some unexplained chocolate in Maisie’s backpack, Aelin didn’t think her daughter would take all the sweets and leave her high and dry. But from the lack of illicit food in Maisie’s usual hiding places, it sounded like Aelin didn’t know her daughter at all.
That’s okay, she could be mature about this. She could get her car keys and go to the convenience store for more variety, or walk one block to the playground and hope she’d find something nice at the vending machine. But what she could no longer do is deny herself a woman’s greatest desire.
After putting sunscreen and her sandals on, Aelin faced the short walk to the park. That unforgiving sun burned her shoulders the entire time, and it was a relief when she noticed the trees were shading some of the benches.
There was a shift in Aelin’s mood the moment she got to the vending machine. Reese’s! The selection was good today—
Aelin jerked when she felt something poking her leg, but relaxed again when she saw it was just Maisie. Frowning.
“Hey, Mais. I didn’t see you there.”
Aelin didn’t get her usual warm greeting, though. The little girl had her Whitethorn frown on. “You didn’t say ‘hi’ when you got here.”
“Honey, I didn’t know you were here. I’m so sorry.”
Aelin’s heart twisted with guilt, but she peppered Maisie’s face with kisses until that little pout gave space to a giggle.
“I’m playing basketball with Daddy and the other big people.”
They weren’t in the playground, then. That explained why Aelin didn’t see her. She crouched down and playfully squinted her eyes at her little girl. “Well, I am here because my chocolate went missing.”
“Intwesting.” Maisie narrowed her eyes at her mother. “Because you told me there was none.”
Aelin narrowed her eyes back. It was a battle of wills now, and neither of them would give in. Forcing Maisie to admit she took Aelin’s chocolate from the secret stash would mean admitting there was a secret stash to begin with. Not an option right now.
Aelin’s shoulders dropped in resignation. She refused to fight with her five-year-old daughter over chocolate. “Anyway, I’m buying more. Want some?”
The little girl’s eyes lit up like a Yulemas tree. “Yes!”
She chuckled and let Mais pick some. Aelin hid some of her sweets just to control the kid’s sugar intake and Rowan’s complaints about it, but it’d be cruel to buy some for herself in front of her daughter and not share.
It was nice, having some mother-daughter bonding time over chocolate and gummy bears. The shaded bench they found almost made Aelin forget how hot today was.
“I’m gonna miss this candy so much.” Maisie had her eyes blissfully closed and let out a sigh of delight. “We need to go back to the candy machine.”
Yep, this kid was Aelin’s. No mistakes there.
She playfully pinched Maisie’s side, making her squeal. “What would your father think of that?”
“Nothing, because he’s not here.”
“That’s…“ genius. So accurate. Aelin’s mouth hung open for a beat. Who raised this smarty-pants? She shook the idea off her head. “nope. We can’t do that. Let’s go find your dad.”
Maisie took the remaining chocolate, but then extended her hand back to Aelin. “Do your girl pants have pockets today?”
She gave a saucy wink, making the little girl giggle. “Sure thing, hun.”
They found Rowan at the small field, playing basketball with Lorcan and a few other neighbors they weren’t exactly friends with, but were often around here on weekends too.
Rowan was playing shirtless. His ripped back flexed as he picked up Charlie so the boy could reach the hoop and score a point. Something about him shirtless and teaching little kids how to play basketball gave her a flutter in the chest, and a wildfire in lower places than she was willing to admit.
His sweaty, bronze skin was gleaming under the Doranellian sun, and the way it highlighted his six pack and pecs was absolutely maddening. Aelin’s heartbeat stopped and came back at full speed. Rowan was running, working those burly thighs and showing some side muscles she learned about in med school, but could swear were myths. Looking at him like that, Aelin felt on fire, off-balance, out of breath.
˜˜
“And what did you do?” Yrene asked.
“I didn’t stay to play, if that’s what you’re asking. You know damn well I wouldn’t be looking at the ball.”
Her therapist tried and failed to hide a chuckle. “I just don’t understand why you’re upset over this.”
“Yrene, that game was obscene. You should’ve seen the other moms ogling him.”
“Taking his shirt off was understandable, given the weather.”
Aelin decided to mimic him with one hand. “Oh, it’s me, Rowan! Look at my shiny abs as I play basketball with little kids!” She looked at his hand as if it offended her, but continued. “I just love to tease everyone in this family-oriented park!”
Yrene leaned back on her chair, head tilted. “Is that how you see his point of view?”
“Alright.” Aelin crossed her arms, looking away. “Maybe I felt personally attacked by Rowan’s abs.”
“And why’s that?”
“Do you really want me to get graphic here? Voice every thought I had?”
She snorted. “That’s up to you. I’m literally your therapist.”
Aelin squinted her eyes at her therapist. “This is all your fault.”
Knowing all of Aelin’s mechanisms or whatever shrinks call it, Yrene leaned closer to Aelin, eyes glinting with hidden amusement and hands under her chin. “How so?”
“I’ve got my therapy, family therapy, all this quality time, now Dr. Blackbeak’s finally lowering my dose of the antidepressants. Things are so much better and…” Aelin looked away and swallowed. Things were better, and the only thing getting worse was the huge lump in the throat she got as a side effect. “all of this got me thinking about how things would’ve looked like if I hadn’t left.”
”You always tell me you two were never in a relationship.”
That fact was just another reason she felt like her heart was being squeezed lately. “It’s complicated.”
”No matter what label you used, you need to remind yourself that—“
“I did my best in the situation I was given, I know,” Aelin repeated that motto in a tight tone and ran a hand through her hair. “I knew there was no coming back when I did that.”
Yrene tilted her head. ”Are you speaking for yourself? Because you can’t decide that on Rowan’s behalf.”
Aelin squinted her eyes at her therapist. “You’re onto something.”
“I’m not onto anything.” She chuckled. A schemer’s chuckle. Or just a chuckle from someone who Aelin mindlessly blamed when she was called out. Yrene continued, “You told me an obstacle, and I’m questioning if it’s real.” She checked the time on her computer screen. “And our time’s up. Same time next week?”
Aelin said her goodbyes and got up. The session’s time was up, but she knew that whatever she chose to do about these old feelings, she first had to figure out how he felt about it all.
She just needed to start with the harder part. Wonderful.
Rowan, who decided to be her therapy escort when he found out her sessions happened on his free afternoons, was sat in the waiting room, reading a book and wearing… glasses?
“What are those?” Aelin blurted.
She had asked him to go to the eye doctor a couple of months ago, but assumed he had forgotten about his promise.
Rowan jerked on the chair. “What?”
“On your face.”
“Glasses?” He took them off and studied the thing too. “I got them a while ago. Turns out they’re great for reading.”
“Huh,” was all Aelin could muster. She blinked and thanked Mala when he closed the book and didn’t put them back. Yrene had another patient now, Aelin couldn’t go back and open another Pandora box about how good he looked with rounded glasses.
“Hey.” Rowan got up and took her wrist, stroking it in circling motions with his thumb. “Did it go well?”
“Perfect.”
Aelin smiled as if she hadn’t paid good money to vent about how slutty he looked last weekend.
˜˜
It was near impossible to shut her mind off during the short drive to Maisie’s school. The hardest part is that they were going to the theater with Sellene’s daughter after. It was a play meant for children, but Aelin really wanted to be able to pay attention to The Little Mermaid tonight. A classic is a classic.
Aelin got out of the car in the packed parking lot, feeling the wind tug at her clothes. It’d take them longer than usual to leave today, considering they were taking Breanna without Sellene there. She could always trust Rowan to pick the school with the toughest security measures.
They walked side by side, children and their parents‘ chattering as their background noise. Rowan looked good with loosened shoulders and no frown in sight. He wasn’t wearing a smile—a view reserved almost exclusively for his family—but she knew his lips would tug up the second he saw Maisie.
It’d be so weird to show up six years after they last hooked up asking how he felt about her. Especially when they’d still talk to each other the other day. She needed to listen to the signs before acting, but it was so hard sometimes.
Rowan was a practical person. He could’ve decided to accompany her to therapy because it was close to Maisie’s school and they’d both need to go there after. His decision could be motivated by an undying love for the mother of his child, or something as romantic as reducing carbon monoxide emissions. And Rowan did care about carbon monoxide. He said so the night they met.
Even if he really cared about her, she was the other half of his little broken family. Wishing her well was no indication of romantic feelings.
Aelin shoved her thoughts aside when she saw Maisie and Bree coming her way, and crouched for the crushing hug that was coming. Those small bodies combined almost knocked her down on the floor, but Aelin wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Mommy!” Maisie yelled, “Did you know Bree’s never been to the Peter?”
“The theater, Mais,” Rowan corrected around a chuckle.
Aelin caressed the girl’s pale blonde hair. “Is that right, Bree?”
She gave a shy nod, making her smile. Holy rutting Mala, those strong Whitethorn genes. When they were side-by-side and wearing the same uniform like this, Sellene’s daughter looked like Maisie’s shy twin.
“You’re gonna love the Peter, Bree!” Her daughter yelled and flailed her arms around, filled with excitement. “The screen has a huge hole where the people go.”
“Calm down, you two.” Rowan playfully tugged at Maisie’s pigtails. “The play is just next week.”
“No, it’s not.” Aelin turned to Rowan and tilted her head. “I checked the tickets this morning. It’s definitely today.”
“Aelin, she can’t go.” He lowered his voice. “Her flu shot, remember?”
“Are you talking about the flu shot she got last week?”
“This one exactly.” He crossed his arms, giving her a hard look. “It has a two-week immunity window—“
Aelin mirrored his expression, feeling her muscles tighten. “I’m a doctor, I’m aware—“
“And I’m not putting Maisie in a theater with hundreds of kids without being sure that—“
“I want to see Ariel!” The little girl’s wail interrupted them. Her face was reddened already and filled with tears, and Breanna was on her side, whispering anything a five-year-old deemed soothing.
“We are.” She gave Rowan a hard look and crouched next to Maisie, caressing the little girl’s head. ”That’s just your father being your father. He’s been careful like that with you since you were inside my belly, did you know that?”
Maisie shook her head and sniffed. Well, that was on Aelin. She didn’t talk much about the time she was pregnant, but she’d do anything to make her little girl smile.
“Do you know what I’d call him back then?” A pause to spark Maisie’s interest. “A Buzzard.”
“Like the bird?”
“You’re right.“ With her index finger, Aelin mimicked the animal with sweeping movements around Maisie’s head. “That bird that keeps flying close by, watching you all the time.”
Aelin watched her daughter expectantly, waiting until her brain made the right connections. Maisie perked up a beat later, her pine-green eyes slowly widening.
“That’s Daddy!” She turned to her father, pointed a finger at him and shouted, “Buzzard!”
Aelin was chuckling at Maisie’s newfound source of excitement, trying to bury the weight in her chest, when she saw Rowan’s face. He didn’t say a word, just let Maisie repeat the nickname over and over around him as he vacantly stared at Aelin. Her face faltered. He swallowed, and his gaze on her was so intense she looked away.
That was so tone-deaf of her, and Rowan clearly didn’t like it. Just because Aelin was reminiscing these days, didn’t mean he wanted that too.
“Come on, Bree.” Aelin tugged on the girl’s hand. “Let’s see how long it takes before your teacher lets you leave without your mom here.”
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