#my anxiety has literally never been worse in my life ngl

[hannahhasafact]

Gonna treat my tumblr like a journal and ramble some thoughts, feel free to read if you want:

Little by little, my apartment is becoming a place that doesn’t feel… embarrassing? Like being an adult woman, many of my friends and family my age have living situations that are nice. In some ways, I feel like my apartment still looks like one a college kid lives in, and it’s just embarrassing. I’ve never really had people hang out at my apartment because 1. There’s no space for people and 2. It’s just not a nice hang out space. But I feel like I’m getting better at making it a nicer space I think.

Related by why the fuck is my house constantly dusty I am ALWAYS DUSTING

I know there’s still probably a month until we find out about k-con artist alley but god the waiting is killing me. Like it would be incredible and awesome to get in yes but more than anything it’s the not knowing that is killing me oh my god. Probably won’t find out until the end of June and I’m dying (though I totally get why! I’m just so impatient)

I’m in this weird moment in my life where technically I probably have some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder but at the same time it feels weird to say that? Like what I mean is literally multiple people around me will be like “yeahhhhh there might be something up” and I’ve had physical reactions to stress in such a way, but it feels weird to say I have a thing without being like… actually diagnosed with a thing? Feels like I’m making excuses for myself.

In the same vein, I’ve been thinking about “Huh. Why am I having such a visceral response to anxiety compared to how I used to be.” And ngl I think it’s because I’m basically doing no physical activity? I’ve been a pretty physical person all my life and in the last few months it has dropped to like… zero movement. After getting covid, I allowed myself to not be physical mainly because holy shit it wipes you the fuck out. And then… I kind of just stopped moving. And it’s so hard to get moving again. Especially because I’m so tired all the time, but I know that physical activity helps with that drained energy! And I know it would help with my brain! And with so much! And I just… haven’t.

Every time I talk to my mom all she asks is if I have any job interviews. Which like… I get why she’s asking, but god it really sucks to have to deal with that on every fucking call with her. It feels like a check in that I’m failing at.

I know I need to be applying for more jobs but I also need to start working out and I need to be drawing more and oh maybe I should look into practicing trumpet again but I would have to go to a place to practice because I can’t do that in my apartment and I need to donate some clothes but first I have to wash them but also I should work on putting myself out there because I’m not going to get a date sitting in my house and I don’t need a person in my life but it might be nice because fuck man life is so goddamn hard on your own but also-

That’s where my brain is at most of the time and instead of doing anything I mute my thoughts with assorted media. So yeah that’s the vibe.

I’m trying to drink less because 1. It’s not good for me and 2. Pretty sure it’s making my anxious-ness worse but holy hell rewatching Ted Lasso really made me want rose or a pint of cider

This three day weekend has not been enough days, but at least I cleaned my apartment today

Bijou is doing alright. It’s strange because she has noticeably less energy, but like she’s okay. I’m still feeling sad feelings, but I’ve gotten to a more accepting vibe. Also it’s been weird how so many older people I know have been like “you should get another cat immediately” 1. She’s not even dead yet and 2. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of not having a cat after she’s gone. That might change, but right now it’s like 1. The emotional strain this has taken on me I can’t deal with immediately again 2. I’ve already been hemorrhaging money this year, a new cat would be a financial decision that i don’t think is smart and 3. Any living creature is a lot of time commitment, and I think it might be good for me to not constantly be worried about an animal at home and if they’re doing okay. Like I said: Bijou is still here, but I’ve obviously been having to think about this stuff a lot.

Tumblr this shit is so annoying please stop doing this:

I know how tags work on this fucking website

Anyways, those are just my rambly thoughts.

[ladyseidr]

I am still around lurking, but I know my activity has been sporadic on all three blogs (plus, yes, i went radio silent on IMs and dis.cord again sigh). Honestly, I’m currently learning to accept that, while I’ll eventually be okay, I’m not okay now and probably won’t be for awhile. So, yeah, I still intend to write and I’ll respond to messages when I feel able, but I won’t be making any promises about when/how often/etc etc etc.

[shakespeareismydad]

My thought process as I watch season 7 of GoT

-S07E03

-Can Cersei please shut up god, I’m so tired of listening to her talk

-Qyburn can suck a dick

-i have never hated a character more in my life

-this is painful to watch

-oh no not the ince*t, god anything but that, I’m so over it 

-STOP KISSING

-no one cares if you're the queen stop fucking your brother 

-i would love to see cersei burned by a dragon 

-brooding buddies ahaha

-this scene is so pretty, the way his cloak blows in the wind is *chefs kiss* 

-tyrion and jon interacting makes me happy 

-“are you trying to present you're own statements as wise wisdom” PleaSe 

-don’t make me think about robb and rickon PleaSe

-fucking lord baelish ugh

-sansa and her quick fire wit

-there are some chars i cant stand listening to 

-ooh is it arya, please i hope it is, 

-its bran instead oop, didn’t expect that,, hug it OUT 

-bran is so pretty wow

-this is so sweet, the way the snow enhances her hair is *chefs kiss*

-oh no is Sam gonna be in trouble for helping jorah 

-this is nice

-i hope sam doesnt get kicked out of the cidatal 

-GO SAM 

-ive heard so much about Casterly Rock and this is the first time I’m seeing it and tbh the hype wasn’t worth it 

-SECRET TUNNEL!!

-pointy stick go stabby stabby 

-FUCKING EURON AGAIN I SWEAR

-canny hack it, am not enjoying this

-for fuck sake the lannisters are at highgarden and for why

-I still don’t know if i like Jamie Lannister or not

-they aren’t gonna kill ornella, i hope not

-they really think they're gonna win how embarrassing 

-she really just drank the wine

-the fact that jamie is jofferys dad still grosses me out

-S07E04

-pretty op scene 

-Tom Hopper in game of thrones whaattttt

-Oh my god, every time i see cersei i wanna take my eyeballs out

-i don’t trust baelish with bran

-i don’t trust baelish period. 

-imagine giving a kid a dagger that almost killed him i-

-i don’t want meera to leave

--alot of people died for bran ouch 

-wait bran died, hol up, does that hes ACTUALLY the three eyed raven this time 

-ARYA JUST GOT HOME

-they better let arya in 

-Arya gone ahah

-sansa and arya moment, reunited at last

-this moment is kinda sad tbh

-this is so wholesome 

-its sad again, i wish robb and rickon were here too

-”its wasted on a cripple” i bby noo

-brans wheelchair is so nifty

-i love podrick payne

-okay but theyre outfits are kinda bomb

-thats a lot of fucking dragonglass

-secret cave what will it hold

-the children and the first men are smart 

-yess queen fight with them, wait bend the knee i- nevermind

-ion like this, does she really think he’ll bend the knee and the north folk will be happy

-what now

-oh no shes angry and doubting tyrion that cant be good 

-jon is so pretty 

-Daenerys’ shoulder broche thing is so cool, i want one

-brianne and pod training together is so nice

-im so proud of arya, what a bad bitch 

-seeing arya ad brianne train has me shook 

-”I’m a Bastard” me too jon me too

-ITS THEON I MISSED HIM

-uh-oh jon doesn't look happy to see theon

-are they gonna hug

-NO THEY ARENT FINNA HUG, pleas no fighting

-im glad he isnt killing theon

-the queen is gone?! Miss thing where did she go

-i can't get over the fact that tom hopper is in game of Thrones

-Fuck the queen especially Cersei

-its gone all quiet that means something bad is gonna happen oh no

-this shit gives me anxiety

-thats a lot of dothraki

-"we can hold them off" my guy no you cant

-she brought her dragon good luck holding them off now pahahah

-is this where jamie dies, I wouldn't be mad :|

-miss thing its over for them

-everything is going up in flames i- why are they still fight back at this point

-if ser bronn dies I'm gonna be mad

-sliced off the horse leg and for what

-deadass though if bronn dies I'm done

-i have so much anxiety oh no

-thats a big fucking arrow

-tyrion looks so sad oh no

-jamie is gonna die if he does boost soon

-I dont want the Dragons to get hurt ahhh

-i love bronn but king this ain't it

-HE HIT THE DRAGON THAT DANI IS ON I- THIS ISNT GOOD

-he blew the arrow thing up instead

-jamie leave youre going to die

-mayhe I don't want him to die just yet but he should listen to tyrion and fuck off

-ser bronn to the rescue?!?!

-im so stressed out ahaha

S07E05

-canny hack it they almost drowned

-jamie 'the twat' lennister

-tyrion walking through the aftermath makes me uncomfy, feels bad man

-dragon said rawr

-what the fuck kinda option is bend the knee or die

-tyrion murdered his dad and he'll do it again

-Just bend the knee it literally cant be that hard

-is she gonna feed them to the dragons

-oh my God she is, wait shes gonna roast them, that's definitely far worse than bending the knee

-ashes to ashes ig

-Cersei should be worried, Dani has three dragons why do they think they can win

-cersei gives me a headache

-jon is so pretty and for what

-mister dragon needs to chill

-is he gonna eat jon

-oh hes letting jon pet him alrightie

-it's kinda creepy seeing it up close ngl

-"gorgeous beast" PleaSe

-figure of speech yeah sure right mhmm

-didnt you want jorah dead like three seconds ago

-i fucking hate those ravens

-thats a big mountain

-thats a lot of dead folks oofdt

-oh sam

-hes a smart wee lad

-i hope they listen to sam, hes making very good point

-some of these measter are dickhead

-im so tired of bending this fucking knee

-what the fuck is a wet nurse

-how are you gonna bring a wight to the capital

-this is whisky business

-trusting a stranger is never a good idea but okay I guess

-the minute jon leave everyone starts shitting on him, what arseholes

-sansa is so pretty

-im so confused what is happening

- Ion like this

-oh no is jamie gonna kill tyrion

-not tyrion making jokes as if he isnt gonna die

-wheres gendry i miss him

-look at my mans I love him

-he looks so good,, look at him king shit

-pop off gendry with your big hammer thing,, I was not expecting that

-not miss thing tryna get bronn killed for betrayal i- 🤚🏾hold up

-IS SHE PREGNANT AGAIN OG MY FUCKING GOd,, shes really ginns have another ince*t baby i 💀,, cut the fkn camera

-gendry you had one job

-"youre alot leaner,, you're alot shorter" I king PleaSe pahahaha

-tyrion is so pretty

-jon you need to return cause like, I dont want you to die

-wait is sam leaving,, bye big library

-what is lord baelish up too now,, I'm sus

-only copy of what,, what is he doing

-is arya finna break into his room

-i dont like this,, he probably has whatever arya is looking for on him

-he hid it in the mattress that smart ngl

-what is lord baelish plotting,, it's making me unsettled

-"you need to convince the one with the dragons or the one with that fucks her brother" paahahah I cant pLease that's so fuunny

-tormund and jorah fight let's go

-"were all breathing" I mean ya I guess pahaha

-gendry is so pretty

S07E06

-they look so tiny against the snow

-"down south the air smells like pig shit" "you've never been down south" "I've been to winterfell" "that's the north" "pfftt" I love that whole interaction

-does tormund wanna fuck gendry i- pahahah

-hes allowed to be mad at you for selling him

-jorah and jon are having a moment bless them

-arya reminiscing about her dad is so cute and it makes me sad

-oh no they're arguing

-"beloved Joffrey" ouch

-we were getting along so well,, and lord baelish had fucked it up

-"gingers are beautiful" yes they are my guy yes they fucking are

-dws tomund what dick is 🤚🏾🤠

-uh babies tormund chill out

-the way Jon's jacket coat thing puffs out is so funny

-i really hope Jon's not in love with Dani

-cersei wants to murder alot of people

-wait why cant dani have children

-they looks like ants in the snow

-is that a polar bear,, NOT A POLAR BEAR I REPAET NOT A POLAR BEAR

-THEYVE GOT FLAMING SWORDS

-mans is gonna get eaten alive

-hes gonna die out here and he doesn't even care,, or maybe he wont die i ??????

-where did they get a flaming sword from

-lord baelish needs to stfu

-what is baelish planning

-its gone all quiet again

-jon said slice and dice

-that a loud fucking screech,, oh no I hear rumbling that cant be good

-go gendry go!!

-theyre running across a lake what if the ice breaks,,

-gendry is a fast little fuck huh

-im so stressed I dont want anyone else to die,, especially gendry

-theyre gonna freeze to death

-oh no thros froze, feels bad man

-where did he get a flaming sword,, it pretty poggers

-ive got anxiety

-not sansa going back to king's landing

-miss thing, honey, sansa it's never safe

-yall Danis coat is so pretty

-how to train your dragons type beat

-well done hound you've provoked the dead

-wheres dani and her dragons when you need her

-if tormund dies,, oh nooooo

-someone should help him

-this is so sad

-sis came through what a queen

-the king Walker is gonna throw the ice spear and kill the dragon oh naw

-the stress is coming back

-he just killed on of her dragons,, I'm so shook

-jons gonna drown

-okai hes still alive but how long still he freezes to death

-miss thing you're literally gonna freeze to death dont try to fight

-seeing uncle benjen die, saving him,, that hurted

-the CRUNCH of Jon's coat oft

-shes not gonna kill sansa right?!?

-arya gave her the dagger but now what?!?

S07E07 (this should be good)

-bronn I'm offend men with dicks are just as good with men without them

-the dothraki really just fight for fun huh

-THEON!!!!

-not the brothels 🤚🏾🥴

-the wight doesn't enjoy that box

-cersei you wont be killing anyone,, miss thing needs to SIT DOWN AND STFU

-god I don't wanna deal with any lennister,, apart from tyrion

-i love podrick

-maybe I dont like ser bronn

-im sus,, something bad might happen,, its gone all quiet

-here comes miss thing and euron

-im gonna be sick with anxiety

-does everyone just have a permanent from on their faces or what

-i hate when she speaks

-dragons as a means of travel is so handy

-ats a big fucking dragon pahaha

-constant state of stress

-euron shut the fuck up

-euron is gonna get punched in the face if he doesn't shut up

-sit down euron or fuck off

-cersei shut up for two seconds

-does whe really think the army of the dead is a bad joke,, MISS THING COME ONNN

-does miss thing believe them now after almost being attacked by a wight

-100,000 AT LEAST oh no

-euron is scared lol hes definitely gonna die

-"until the dead is defeated they are our true enemy" Miss thing we've been trying to tell you

-oop mans already been pledged and miss Cersei is pissed

-honestly fuck the Lannisters

-everyone is pissed at jon for not lying lol

-tyrion don't talk to cersei,, that's a bad idea just waiting to happen

-oh lord am stressed

[skullsnsunbeams]

Please enjoy part 2 my commentary of Outer Banks (you can find part 1 here)! Disclaimer: I started this show because I wanted to see all the hype was; I won't lie, I thought it was dumb and cliche throughout most of it. However, since I've finished I can safely say that I NEED A SECOND SEASON BC HOLY FUCK BRO. Don't come at me for MY OPINIONS, & also, most of what I say is in the spur of the moment. If you wanna come talk to me about the show I will GLADLY DO SO.

Ep. 6

• I don't trust Ward, jot that down

• John B is gonna be blinded

• FUCK OFF WARD YOU'RE NOT SLICK

• I WANNA GO AAAAWWWWF

• But now John B is actually on the property so that might be beneficial?

• Lana said fuck the feds and I did too

• BARRY BETTER BEAT RAFE'S ASS

• It's what he deserves :)

• THE CURTAIN JUST MOVED AND KIE SAW IT

• FUCK YEAH KIE SLAP HIS ASS

• Did he just

• He just slapped her back

• MOSQUITOS MEAN WATER

• YUPPPP THERE WE GO POPE KNOWS

• This is deadass the goonies

• "You love the idea of me" YESSSSS SARAH

• YES WARD CHOKE HIS BITCHASS OUT

• "WHERE'S THE BEACH!?"

• It's actually not okay but okay

• Yes he DID say that

• Desgusten

• RAFE IS GONNA STEAL MONEY FROM HIS DAD AND JOHN B IS GONNA BE BLAMED

• AHAHAHAHAH CAUGHT EM

• I love Pope sm

• Adina is that bitch, man

• Barry's gonna get his ass beat by Ward

• I knew it

• THERE'S WARD'S SHORT FUSE

• RAFE YOUR DADDY IS A PSYCHO

• KARMA, BABY, KARMA

• They're gonna trap Sarah and Kie on the boat?

• That's a got damn STING

• Why are they holding the blunt like a cigarette?

• What a shitty fucking person you are, Sarah. That's fucked up.

• SHE CALLED THE COPS I'M CACKLING

• They're gonna get caught by the scary lady

• "Weed? I could go for some weed" same, JJ

• JJ and Pope being assholes about John B and Sarah is my aesthetic

• NO NO NO WHY HER EYES LOOK LIKE THAT

• She's blind, duh

• Gross gross gross

• He's gonna catch something

• Wait does Corona virus exist in the OBX universe?

• "Any dead bodies?" Does the jaw bone he found count?

• That's shit he's covered in shit THAT'S GOLD THAT'S FUCKING GOLD

• JANIE'S GOT A GUN

• This is so cute but I know it's gonna blow up in their faces

Ep. 7

• I hate Ward he's such a sneaky bastard

• He's gonna take him out to sea and MURDER HIM

• or at least, like, warn him

• HE'S SUCH A GOOD LIAR

• Our boy Barry, he's gonna stir some shit up

• I knew it, pretending to be a cop tho?

• John B is B'ing dumb again

• Maybe not

• JJ NOOO

• CRAIN ESTATE IS FOR SALE

• AND WARD IS GONNA BUY IT

• JJ just wants his dad's approval

• THAT'S FOR HIS RESTITUTION

• How did ik this was gonna happen

• I hate his dad

• ahhhhh I WANNA HUG HIIIIIM

• Sarah do be bailin

• She said FUCK VULNERABILITY and to that I say SAME

• Those candles are gonna cause a fire. Old church? The Outsiders vibes

• Did they not just say they were gonna wait? And then immediately fuck? Okay.

• He spent his restitution money. He did exactly what he fought his dad about.

• He needs a hug so bad

• Thank you for hugging him Kie

• GUESS WHO'S CRYING

• ME IT'S ME

• Mr. Cameron, sir, you are operating a motor vehicle whilst drinking. You're providing a minor with alcohol. You should not be the Grand Knight of Rhododendron!!!

• Ward is an eavesdropping little shitfuck

• Blah blah blah all I'm hearing is a rich man trying to get the gold

• "Equitable split" sir you Didn't Find The Gold therefore You Do Not Get A Cut

• FINALLY JOHN B IS BEING SMART

• WARD JUST SNITCHED ON HIMSELF

• WARD KNOWS ABOUT THE DISAPPEARANCE

• Well, son, the sheriff already kinda knows

• What's he gonna do

• THE GAFFING HOOK

Ep. 8

• Ward is literally psycho so that's fun

• WHAT IS THIS SHOW

• HE STOPPED THE HOOK WITH HIS CAST I'M DEEEAAAD

• This turned into Parasite all of a sudden

• And this right here, folks, is called anxiety

• I love GTA

• Ward is actually psychotic

• "Ward you just got involved" just like his daughter did

• Fuck HE KILLED HIM FUCK YOU WARD

• AND HE DIDN'T CALL ANYONE WHAT A CUUUUNT I'M SO MAD

• BIG JOHN IS A LEGEND

• Ow my heart 🥺

• Ward is a big fat liar!!!!!!

• Oh my god JOHN B GONE CRAZY

• Sarah really switched up like that, huh? Shady bitch

• Where's DCS throughout all of this?

• He's doin a lil memorial I'M SAAAAD

• Pope deserves better!!!

• The gold is gone, just watch

• YUP I KNEW IT

• FUCK YOU WARD

• I feel so bad for Pope's dad bc he's had to work hard too, man

• Going to the Bahamas?????????

• Fuck Rafe

• BLAH BLAH BLAH NO ONE LIKES YOUUUU

• Pope whhhyyyy are you telling these PEOPLE ABOUT THE GOLD

• Oh shiiiit Susan knows about OTHER dirty cops

• I hope the plane crashes :)

• WARD IS A PIECE OF SHIIIIIIT

• SUE YEEEES

• John B's nod should not have been sexy

• RAFE YOU SONOFABITCH

• LIKE FATHER LIKE SON!!!!!!!

Ep. 9

• WARD. IS. A. PSYCHO.

• HOW IRONIC THAT RAFE'S TRUCK HAS A BLUE LIVES MATTER FLAG ON THE BACK WINDOW RHSJDJDBDNDH

• Pope is finally letting it out and I'M SO GLAD FOR HIM

• I shouldn't be laughing about Shoupe complaining about the regulator

• Ward really is a psycho

• FUCK THE POLICE

• All teenagers want is their parents' approval and that makes me saaaaaad

• Why do I wanna hug Rafe rn

• HE'S LIKE, NEVER GOTTEN A HUG IN HIS LIFE BEFORE???????

• OW MY HEART

• When the main character becomes a fugitive with a bounty 🥰

• Sarah isn't gonna do shiiiiit

• "What's gonna happen to Rafe?" Nothing. Because he's a rich white boy who can get away with anything bc of his daddy's money and power.

• They better not do a cliff hanger and make us wait til next season

• Rafe is delusional

• "He's a maniac" Pot, meet kettle

• Whose house is this?

• How are you gonna tell him to get out of your house and then chase him when he's trying to leave

• Pope high is amazing

• AW MY BABY

• He deserves the world and more

• NO PLEASE DON'T CRRRRYYYYY

• Topper is gonna let John B go, isn't he?

• He really locked his daughter in her room like Rapunzel

• "Hey Top, hey man, it's John B, hey" HE'S SUCH A LOSER LMAOOOO

• "My bad" My bad!?!??

• They're arguing over what word to use

• This is kinda gay ngl

• THIS FAKE CRYING EJDBEUSHEH SARAH

• Wheezie better not fuck this up bro or I s2g

• TOPPER DEF LET JOHN B OUT I WILL HOLLER

• I think Rafe is gonna get shot

• I hate this

• THE VEEEEENT

• I love rooting for a criminal

• SNITCHES GETS STITCHES, BITCHES

• Topper is gonna switch up on the Kooks and actually help out I bet

• RAFE NEEDS TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

• TOPPER IS WEARING THE HOODIE

• THAT'S HOW HE PROVED HIS LOVE FOR HERRR

Ep. 10

• Aw John B

• Pope said FUCK FEELINGS

• Tf is SBI

• State bureau of investigation, got it

• NO, WARD NEEDS TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY BC IT IS. HIS. FAULT.

• "Idk how to fix it" kill yourself, easy

• Sell? You mean lie. Rich people logic amirite??

• RAFE HAS VOICES IN HIS HEAD HE'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END

• The officer better know the truth

• WARD IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR

• The SBI agent sees right through Ward

• I hate this bastard

• FUCK YEAH

• Rafe is TWEAKIN

• Barry to the rescue?

• "I done worse, I was in the army" LMAOOOO

• Nvm Barry is still trash

• TRASH STICKS WITH TRASH

• They're GONE occifer

• AND THE THUNDER ROOLLLLS

• My heart is hurting so bad rn

• Is he gonna give himself up rn?

• I hate when JJ cries

• AHHHHHHHH HIS EYES OPENED AND I GOT SCARED

• OW MY FUCKIN HEART

• Shoupe is a pussy ass bitch too

• Pause, smoke break

• Lessgo

• He's gonna wait for the keys to be close to the car

• CALLED IT

• That was *chef's kiss*

• This is not good

• YEEEEES POPE

• NOOOOOO POPE

• VENGEANCE

• Holy shit

• Okay I'm gonna say it

• This GOT GOOD

• NO MORE CLICHES

• Holy fuuuuck

• If we get a second season, I wanna see Rafe destroyed

• Woah okay

• JJ is third wheel

• This is crazy

• STOP WASTING TIME

• This is all funny bc these kids are 16 and they think they're in love

• I GASPED OMG

• What did this turn into

• There's a cliche!!!

• Holy fuckitnenehehe

• Fuck you Ward

• He's gonna do it

• Ewwww "I'd rather die than be without you"

• What in the ever living hell

• Fuck fuck fuck

• And JJ is left alone

• OH MY GOD IM CRYING

• Holy. Fucking. Shit.

[uwujaes]

ceo! jaehyun

prompt: ceo jaehyun who is soft for reader

genre: fluff

yall met as boss and employee (jaehyun's the boss if this isn't clear yet)

ok but HOW yall met was pretty........ eventful

basically your department plays rock paper scissors to decide who buys coffee for the day

so after ordering drinks at the cafe downstairs, you were waiting to collect them

when you saw 12 drinks getting packed, you walked to the counter to collect them

but at the same time, this really tall dude in a suit walked over at the same time asdfghjkl

both of yall took the same bag of drinks and looked at each other sHockEd

"these are my drinks"

"no these are mine, i ordered them first"

soOoOoO yall had this 5 minute debate over who these drinks belonged to

but then the barista realised they forgot one of ur orders bc yall ordered the exact same thing

so technically the drinks belonged to both of yall and well embarrassment sets in bc ur 5 min debate with him is now irrelevant lololol

u swear both of u blushed big time but aljdhdhfksk wtv moving on

both of y'all get ur drinks and part ways

back in the office, u gave out the drinks

ur colleague who set next to you asked why u took so long

"ugh it's a long story skjddhdbhd basically i fought with someone over these drinks but it turned out that it wasnt our fault bc the barista forgot one of our orders"

just then, someone walked in to greet everyone

everyone in ur department and stood

u didn't know what was going on but u followed suit

BUTBUTBUT u looked at the person who just walked in and—

"good morning everyone! i bought coffee for u bc i wanted to thank everyone for ur hard work"

u whispered to colleague "who is this?"

ur colleague looked at u "bRoo r u serious that's our ceo, jung jaehyun"

right then ur manager said "y/n (as he said that he pointed to u) has already gotten us coffee but thank you for the coffee, guess we are ready for ot today!"

jaehyun looked at u and u swore he smiled a little

after that he just left to go back to his office

at night, everyone in ur department left for home already or maybe the club bc it's a friday and the night is young

everyone but u

u had lots of work to do bc u joined the company recently and had to juggle learning the ropes here and actual work

u were finishing up and looked at the time

it was literally almost 12am

"are u not going home tonight?"

u turned to look at who asked that and when u realised who it was, u instinctively stood up to greet the person

"i-im leaving s-soon"

jaehyun laughed a bit and said "why are u stuttering? is it bc u realised im ur boss?"

and then u realised yeah right why were u stuttering? besides it's after work hours now so technically he isn't ur boss anymore

"im just, idk i guess? i mean ur my boss im ur employee and how we met earlier wasn't exactly the best situation for me to meet my boss for the first time"

jaehyun walked towards u and sat on ur table

"but im not ur boss now it's been 5 hours since work times ended"

"yeah.."

"also im.. sorry about earlier. even though it was none of our fault but u know? i didnt know what to say when i realised it wasnt our fault"

wow what a gentleman Hhsbxhdjjd

"me too im sorry about earlier, it was awkward right?"

the silence was deafening, both of u didn't know what to say

right before u were gonna ask why was he still in the office, he asked

"truth is.. i waited till u got off work and was intending to take u to dinner as an apology for what happened in the morning"

"oh... sure i havent had dinner yet anyways"

throughout dinner yall talked and oddly it wasnt awkward at all???

in fact yall enjoyed urselves so much that u didnt realise that it was alr 4am

u were tired but u didnt want the night to end; u didnt want to stop talking to ur new found friend

when jaehyun realised u were almost on the verge of sleeping face on the table, he said

"y/n i think that u shld go home now, it's 4am. come on ill drive u back"

that late night dinner was just the first of the many late night dinners u had with jaehyun

fast forward 1 year

u are wayyy closer to jaehyun than u were 1 year ago

in the office, u respected that he was ur boss and knew ur place

but outside of work, u saw him as a friend who would listen to ur complains of the crowdedness of the morning bus to work, how the barista messed up ur order and just things u would tell ur best friends

likewise for jaehyun, he did not show any sense of biasness for u in the office

and outside of work, he showed his child-like side and sometimes complained about the problems he was facing at work

one day, he was over at ur house (again) probably sleeping over bc he complains that his house is TOO FAR

when yall were eating dinner, he suddenly asked a question/topic yall hv (surprisingly) never talked about before

"do u hv a boyfriend?"

"no why?"

"was just wondering.. but why?"

"too busy yaknow? and idk where to find guys i literally hv no guy friends. well i mean except u"

u notice that jaehyun's ears started to get really red but u brush that off bc it was hot

"y/n, u know... ur like my best friend right?"

"yup and ur mine too why? did u need confirmation on that HAHAHAHA"

"i love u"

nothing big or complicating, just a simple 'i love u'

"i love u in THAT way, y/n. i really do and its driving me insane"

ngl u were shocked but

u thought of all the times he:

waited for u till ur done with work to make sure that u do not skip ur meals

listened to ur drunk-talk and constant rambles about life

took care of u when u were drunk

the countless times he encouraged and reaffirmed u when u felt like u were the ugliest person on earth

most of all, u remembered how he never fails to put a smile on ur face whenever ur with him

then, u realised it was really that simple too — u were in love with jaehyun the way he was with u

"it's ok if u dont feel the same way. it's just that... all the times u compare urself to other girls and how u say ur uglier, fatter, worse than them... it hurts me when u say that.. just wanted to let u know that ur very attractive in my eyes and it's a pity for whoever misses that"

he gave his dimply smile to mask all signs of anxiety but u could see through it all

u walked over to his side of the table

and gave him!!!! a big bear hug!!!!!!!!!

"i love u in that way too silly"

when yall pulled away, he planted a kiss on ur forehead

"so tonight's our day 1 right?"

[heytheregreeneyes]

How come you gave up on 'Something Just Like This'? I loved that fic

So here’s the thing...

I haven’t given up on Something Just Like This. I actually still love that fic dearly and very much intend to finish it (and I need to do it soon before Tyler steals all of my ideas like he did with Jenna’s pregnancy reveal *shakes fist at Tyler*).

As you all know, this past year I hadn’t felt much like writing and I couldn’t figure out why... until the other night at work. I was sitting at my desk, staring off into space and thinking about dialogue for the current chapter when it hit me like a freight train why I haven’t been writing. I had had an epiphany!

My eyes literally got wide as I sat straight up, gasped and literally said “Oh my God,” out loud. It was so obvious, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. And the first thing I did was text @ohfrickfanfic (who agrees with me), even tho it was somewhere around 3:25 in the morning. So if you wanna hear the story behind the fic, buckle in kids, cause it’s gonna be a long one, and it’s gonna get deep.

So as you all know, I started writing Something Just Like This in July of 2017. I was 4 months pregnant with my 3rd surrobaby, who was due in December on Christmas Eve. I was writing as fast as my fingers could fly and was banging out chapters probably once a week. Sometimes twice.  

December 12, 2017 - SURROBABY IS BORN! After this, chapters obviously slowed down so that I could pump milk and get my life back to somewhat normal again.

Six months later, in June of 2018, I finally reached the end of my six-month contract for pumping breastmilk for Surrobaby #3 and I started working at my current job at the hospital. I am a CNA and it just so happens that this hospital is where all the surrogate babies were born IRL. I have been super lucky and I now work in that very department, which is where I have wanted to work all my life!  Serious life goals, guys. But as you all know, nurses work insane shifts and long hours. I work overnights, 13 hours at a time, and so writing slowed down even more since I was now working my first job outside of the home in about 9 years. For the next few months, chapters are still being posted, but much more slowly.  

Things are moving along great... I’m still writing, albeit a bit more slowly, but chapters are still being posted 

April 2018 comes and my grandpa dies... my emotions took a huge hit. I had grown up very close to my grandpa and I couldn’t write happy things when I was in such a sad place. It was rough. 

Writing slows even more over the summer, but I am still writing, still posting, still planning, still rough drafting, still plotting scenes, and still writing dialogue.

September 2, 2018 - I meet HIM. I don’t want to give out his real name, so we’ll just call him William. I will never ever forget that night. I wasn’t even supposed to be at work that night; it was my night off but they had sent out a text that they needed help, so I picked up an extra shift. Around midnight I got a call that they needed me to pass off my patients so that I could go down to the ER and be a 1:1 for a patient suffering a panic attack. I gather up my things, head down to the ER, get my assignment, go to his room, and...

That was that. He had been sobbing and when he looked up and saw me, he suddenly took one last big breath and stopped crying. He calmed. We got to talking over the course of the night and it was like we had known each other for millennia. We were immediately comfortable with each other, had each other's sense of humor, shared similar life experiences, you name it. This was the night I met my best friend.

He was still hardcore in the middle of a panic attack and didn’t like to be touched, but somehow I was allowed to touch. He openly admits to how much he despises hospitals and no one was allowed in the room, but somehow was calm when I was there. Do you believe in fate? Cause I do.

A week goes by and we now are either talking/texting/video chatting/instant messaging all day and all night, about anything and everything. Our phone calls go on for HOURS and often would end up talking all through the night. Turns out that he has severe anxiety and hasn’t left his house in over two years. Neither of us could believe how quickly we connected and bonded, but the new friendship was a blessing for him and me both. Because of his anxiety and tendency to call/text/message me if a panic attack hit, he earned his own ringtone, text notification sound, and custom volume so that if he called or texted in the middle of the night, or if I was out in a busy area, it would wake me up or ring loud enough so that I could stop and answer. 

September 18, 2018 - Two weeks after meeting William, my world gets turned upside down. I lose my mom. She was only 52 years old and died very unexpectedly from sudden liver death. I was DEVASTATED.  William was there for me throughout the whole thing, something I didn’t expect since we had just met barely two weeks earlier. In fact, one of the last things my mom ever said to me was “make sure you take care of that sweet boy”. I’ll never forget it. 

After my mom died I didn’t feel like writing for a long time. Again, it’s hard to write happy things when you feel so sad and shocked. 

So this past year goes by and things level to a norm. William’s depression and anxiety waxes and wanes. We’d hang out in person at his house sometimes, mostly just making fun of each other and enjoying each other’s company. We still talk and text multiple times every day, and had gotten into a habit of sleeping while on the phone.

Then mid-October this year, something changed. We still do all of our normal stuff but he had started to say that he hated not being able to leave his house, hated the way he felt, hated not being able to do stuff, felt like a failure and a coward, etc. All things he has said before, but this time was just hitting him so much worse.

The night of October 22nd is when things really changed. To me, that’s the day I had breast reduction surgery, but that’s also the day communication between us stopped. He stopped calling, he stopped texting, we no longer messaged or chatted on discord... He was gone. 

Let me tell you that this felt exactly like another death. How could I lose someone I was so close to? Did I say something wrong, did I do something wrong, did I make him feel bad, did I scare him somehow... all these questions were running thru my head, constantly, throughout the days.

One night I texted him that we needed to talk so he called and sort of, got onto me. He said that I did nothing wrong, that I didn’t say or do anything, that he just couldn’t handle things very well at the moment and he would see texts but just didn’t have it in him to reply. He lacked the energy to call and carry on a conversation. didn’t want to do anything but be by himself. He told me that he loves me and that he misses me, but this is just how it gets sometimes. it just be like that.  

I understood. Depression fucking sucks and it just sucks the soul right out of you sometimes. I was there for him but right now, he just needed alone time... something he hadn’t required in over a year... and something I definitely was not used to. 

So there I sit this past Saturday night at work, thinking about my fic and writing dialogue in my head like I had been the last few weeks when it hits me. 

‘Oh my God,’ I thought to myself. ‘I just figured out why I write fic and why I had stopped for a bit... until now.’   

IT FILLS A HOLE OF LONELINESS AND LONGING!

I texted @ohfrickfanfic and she replied, “you were lacking male attention so you made up for it by writing fic but then you met William and he filled the void but now he’s not giving you as much attention so you feel you need to fill that void again.”

I’ll be damned if she’s not 100% right. I had love. I had someone who loved me, someone who genuinely cared about me and for me, asked how I was, loved my family, wanted to know what I was up to, took interest in my life, valued my opinions, asked my advice and took it to heart, called me his, called me pet names, gave me hugs and kissed my forehead. 

When it suddenly stopped, ngl I cried quite a few times. I was heartbroken. I went into my own depression and that is when I got the want to start writing again. I’ve always wanted to write and finish SJLT, but now the urge is there. 

Things are slowly getting better. He calls every now and then... more often all the time. He teases me and texts sometimes and sends me messages on snapchat, just not NEARLY as often as before. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen his face and I hate it, but I can see my best friend slowly coming back to life. It’s tough because I miss him so fucking much, but he’s coming around and trying to battle his anxiety. 

As far as the fic goes, I NEVER gave up on Something Just Like This and it WILL be a finished fic if it kills me. As it stands now, there are only about 3-4 more chapters to go before the fic is finished, and I would like to get it out before the new year... again, before Tyler Joseph steals all of my ideas that I’ve had planned for Josh for over two years. *shakes another fist at Tyler*

I really do appreciate all of you sticking with me and the fic for this long. Allowing me to grieve the loss of my loved ones and asking for updates on the fic... it lets me know that you like it and that my work is wanted.

I won’t let you down. 

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part last)

I said I’d finish this book before it had been out for a full year, and that’s the 14th, iirc, so I have tonight and tomorrow, but I will finish this book tonight if it kills me, I s2g, I’m ready to be done.

Part 13 encompasses pages 1054-1233 (previous parts)

WE ARE SO CLOSE, GUYS

OH, I wanted to talk a lil bit about the end of part 4, now that I’ve had a sleep and some time to think about it. I still don’t really like it, but I think I can better articulate why.

I feel like a LOT of it is personal preference for Really Not Liking It when my Heroes Turn Out to Have Been Bad Guys All Along. that’s. not fun for me. I don’t find it appealing in any way. 

and I know that Brandon is a big fan of his lil ~Sanderlanches~ of emotion, but tbf I think the Recreance bombshell got a little lost in Taravangian’s deluge of bad news. The major impact of that reveal SHOULD have been--yeah, the humans are and have been the aggressors all along. But instead it gets a little undermined and rolled up wholesale into Dalinar Has Been a Bad Before and We Guess He Is Now Too. It feels like it should have been a separate moment for everyone--for ALL the monarchs in the coalition--to realize that...THEY are ALL the bad guys. All of humanity is the bad guys. But it gets overshadowed by their belief that Dalinar has betrayed them and gets dumped squarely on his shoulders so that it’s less about Humanity and more about One Human--who has been our hero for 3,000 pages and now just utterly crashed which is ALREADY upsetting enough without everyone else ignoring THEIR part in it all.

So what I’m saying is that I still feel like the end of part 4 was really badly handled as there should have been two, separate focal moments that got overlapped badly (worldbuilding vs character moments). But I’ve talked to Lisa and Alyx about stuff and I’m a lot chiller with the actual CONTENT of the reveal, and actually looking forward to seeing how that plays out. 

tl; dr: feeling better about the content, still very unhappy with the execution.

ANYWAY:

INTERLUDES

“Her people couldn’t be completely gone....could they?” Ah, Venli has reached the Denial stage of grief. that’s. good?

or rather, I suppose...she’s been there all along.

mmmm, I wonder if the different rhythms were created because the Parshendi don’t really do facial expressions, right? like they are crustaceaous, regardless of which form they’re in, so it’s not like shells do a good job at. smiling. Idk, I just wonder if the different hums are bc they don’t really interpret body language the same way humans do.

“The strongest and most skilled of our number are yet to awaken” YOU MEAN THERE’S MORE AND WORSE OF YOU? Great.

You know what I want? An Edgedancer size “novella” about Rysn.

wait, I thought larkins were bad?

aren’t larkins bad?

nvmd, I asked Lisa, they eat stormlight, so Bad For Spren, but not inherently bad. I like having Lisa here to remind me of things I Knew At One Point But Have Since Forgotten Due To Reading So Many Other Things heheh

I love these two Thaylen nERDS

Vstim is a GOOD DAD AAHH

you know, that’s something that’s always sorta bothered me--how do Rosharans go around wearing jewelry that’s giving off enough light to see by? How is that not...overbright and distracting and uncomfortable?

WHOA WHAT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING MURDER 

omg the larkin is eating the gemstone that’s been glowing for 200 years, CHIRI-CHIRI NOOO

o_o

right

it makes sense that the voidbringers would have lightweavers, the fused are basically windrunners, but tbh I didn’t think about. you know. evil people that could disguise themselves as ANYTHING #YIKES

yeEAAHH MY GIRL

COME ON BRANDON, GIMME A RYSN ADVENTURE NOVEL. RYSN AND THE LOST TREASURE OF SOMEWHERE-WITH-TOO-MANY-CONSONANTS! PLS.

anyway, on to the main event for the evening: Megan Sobs Her Way Through the Teft Interlude i’m SURE

“the men of Bridge Four would tire of digging him out of trouble” NEVER.

HE HAS A SPREN

SHE’S BEEN THERE A WHILE, APPARENTLY!!??

HELP

uh oh

no

hold on

WHY IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG AT THE BRIDGE FOUR BARRACKS

WHY IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG

NO

NO

ABSOLUTELY NOT

WHY ARE THERE BRIDGEMEN WHO ARE BLEEDING

I REFUSE

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF HE KILLS ROCK I AM NOT FINISHING THIS BOOK

I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING

HE KILLED ETH???? AFTER HE KILLED MART IN THE LAST ONE HE HAD TO GO AND KILL OFF THE OTHER BROTHER? FUCK OFF, BRANDON

NO

I’ DON’T WANT THIS

PART FIVE, LET’S GET THIS DOOOONNNE

........there are thirteen, maybe (probably) more POVs in this part?

fuck, Brandon, if I wanted to hop around that much, I’d suck it up and read Martin. Uggghhhhh, I hate this.

HAHA whoops, I didn’t realize it was a flashback chapter and I was like “why is present!Dalinar in a stormWAGON?” and then I realized

“wild chickens range this far east” and I KNOW they mean crows or blackbirds or starlings, but. chickens. is still. such a good worldbuilding note.

“felt both an anxiety to be finished and--at the same time--a reluctance to progress.” B I G M O O D

Brandon: *describes the Nightwatcher* Me, whispering: “yiiiikes”

“What is your boon?” “Forgiveness.” CAN YOU IIIIMAAAAGIIIIINNE

OH SNAP

is that...actually Cultivation?

“I didn’t get what I wanted.” “You got what you deserved.” OOF. OOF. How does fifteen points of damage taste?!

“I control all things that can be grown, nurtured. That includes the thorns.” HM

OKAY

I like her.

HA I WAS RIGHT

EVI WAS THE COST NOT THE BOON. HA

tbqh, I’m still not entirely clear on the boon. I guess...she took away the guilt? or the memories that made the guilt? hm.

HE HAD NEVER DESERVED HER.

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA DAMN FUCKING RIGHT, DALINAR. GOD. YUP. AMEN

merrgghhhh pov shits within chapters grumble grumble grumble

oh dear

big battle time.

yaassss

ok, but the army of spren at the Oathgate might be friend spren. have you checked?

I’m still hung up on Kholinar, ngl, someone, for the love of god, tell me if Skar and Drehey are all right. alive. s o m e o n e pls care about these bridgemen as I do.

(and don’t say Kaladin cares, I KNOW HE DOES BUT HE HASN’T MENTIONED THEM IN 200 PAGES/FOUR WEEKS OF TRAVEL TIME, MMKAY?)

heh, Jasnah being all “Amaram’s bad guys can soak up the arrows while the rest of us escape” and usually, I’m very against the lil foot soldiers getting slaughtered for the misdeeds of their commanders, but if people are still following Amaram, they have Bad Priorities and I’m with Jasnah on this one.

I’m confused

Renarin’s spren is weird?

Jasnah thinks he’s a traitor?

I’m??? CONFUSED AND UPSET???

LET! THE BOY! LIVE!

WHICH ONE OF THEM IS CORRUPTED, IS IT JASNAH? MAYBE IT’S JASNAH?

Me: “Maybe it’s Jasnah???? She spent a lot of time in Shadesmar!” Lisa: “Maybe it’s Maybeline.”

She’s rude and I love her.

OH WHAT HOLD UP

VENLI IS IN THE KNIGHTS RADIANT CHAPTER?

or is it just...anyone listed at the beginning can be in any chapter?

SHE IS NOT LISTED SEPARATELY. HO SHIT

WHAT

YEAH THAT’S THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME: The fused just. sending in regular parshendi parshmen signers whATEVER TO FIGHT. THEY DON’T HAVE TRAINING. THEY’RE GOING TO GET MASSACRED. THAT’S NOT! GOOD! MILITARY! STRATEGY!

ugh, I’m still just. mad about the Recreance reveal.

The humans are the bad guys, fine. But the FUSED ARE DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY NOT THE GOOD GUYS??? so what was the point?

SEE SHIT LIKE THIS: “You are here to do as you’re told. In return, you are rewarded with further opportunities to serve.” what the fuuuuuuucckk

like, they’re still BAD GUYS

Here’s the thing--the Recreance reveal doesn’t really change anything. The human heroes are still going to choose the options that are “good” or “right”--Dalinar was already suing for peace, Kaladin was already making friends with the listeners--so saying “these humans in the past were evil” doesn’t change their choices. It doesn’t change the Fused’s choices either--saying “these guys were good in the past” doesn’t make them good guys now--OBVIOUSLY, just look at that dialogue.

So why bother?

The whole series is about choosing to be better, to do better, but the characters were ALREADY DOING THAT, they didn’t need an extra, super depressing motivator to do that. It’s just there to....reinforce the idea? That’s already pretty solid?

idk, I’m still REALLY struggling with this

sigh

back to Venli

hm

so, Odium can CHOOSE what he looks like when he appears--obviously he doesn’t REALLY look like a parshendi, bc he’s not actually their god. If the humans were the voidbringers originally, then he’s theirs, no?

also, # y i k e s, there he is

TEFT IS IN THE RADIANT POV HELL YAH

“You don’t want me. I’m broken.” YES, DARLING, THAT’S THE POINT.

I love him so much I just want to hug this sad uncle of mine

AAAHHH FUCK  THE KHOLINAR GATE

WAIT, MAYBE SKAR AND DREHY WILL SHOW UP FUKIN FINALLY

“This is winnable” IS IT THO

BECAUSE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE IN THIS BOOK HAS BEEN AND AIN’T THAT JUST FUCKING DEPRESSING

oh fun! the thing from the cover! finally!

Here’s the thing: three years ago, I would have loved this book. Three years ago, overwhelming odds and impossible battles and the downward, angst slide of all my favorite characters would have been SO MUCH FUN to read. But now? This year? I’m fucking over it. I’m done. Give me optimism or give me death.

I’m exhausted enough in the real world, I don’t need to be exhausted by the books I’m reading.

“You mind holds firm” UH HUH SURE. P SURE NONE OF THE FUSED ARE SANE, bUT THAt’S FINe

“Could he defeat six? Did he need to?” THE IMPLICATION THAT: IF HE NEEDS TO, OF COURSE HE CAN. I’M LOVE KALADIN SO! MUCH!

DO WE FINALLY GET TO STAB AMARAM!!!!!!!????? FINALLY!!!

DOES KALADIN GET TO KILL HIM? BECAUSE I WILL BE REALLY, REALLY MAD IF KALADIN DOESN’T GET TO KILL HIM

OMG I’M SO HERE FOR THIS

MY BOY

KALADIN RECOGNIZING HIS PROGRESS AND KNOWING THAT HE’S GOT SYL AND BRIDGE FOUR, AND PURPOSE AND THAT HE’S GONNA STAY ALIVE FOR THEM, FOR IT. THAT EVEN THO LIFE SUCKS HE’S GONNA STICK AROUND BC THERE’S GOOD PARTS TOO. KALADIN REALIZING HE’S STRONG AND STRONGER WITH HIS PEOPLE. I’M SO

MY HEART IS SO FULL AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

OOOHHH NOO THAT”S HOT

where’s my Kaladin alone in combat stance facing down 6 fused and GLOWING ART BC I NEEEEEEDD IITTT

my soul

I love him

my soul

You know what? Kaladin never gets the Thrill. I bet it’s because he’s too good for this world.

ahhh fuck they got the thing

at least Rysn and Vstim are still alive! for now.

why do they want the thing tho

whose heart is it

WORRIED ABOUT RENARIN 2K18

heheheh Pattern, “I do not like being stabbed” no, you are usually doing the stabbing, huh? heheh

ADOLIN KISS SHALLAN! ! AHH!! YAY!!!

SOFT BEFORE BATTLE THIS GOOD

god, yup. “Um, hello.” SPEAKING TO THE OATHGATE SPREN WOULD BE SO SCARY

the Argonath spren. Oathgonath? Argonoath? Argonoath. heh

I’ll take Bad Lord of the Rings Puns for 300, Alex

COME ON, VENLI. SPEAK ME SOME WORDS, GIRL.

Oh hey it’s Gawx! Wacky fun.

aahhh shit, it WOULD look like the Alethi were betraying everyone else for real. SIGH.

come on, Lift, get them to help. come on, come on, come on

can we unforbid it? esp since Honor is fucking dead and doesn’t care what’s forbidden or not?

“A man can rule his lands until the citylord demands his taxes. The citylord controls his lands until the highlord, in turn, comes to him for payment. But the highlord must answer to the highprince, when war is called in his lands. And the king? He...must answer to God.” BUT DARKNESS--WHAT IS GOD TO A NON-BELIEVER?

“Don’t be stupid. Let’s go fight those guys.” AMEN, NIGHTBLOOD.

“But it had always been nothing more than a rock.” YEEEESSSS OMG. SZETH!!! FINALLY UNDERSTANDING.

KALADIN NO

goddamnit

UH??? WHY IS NAVANI POV IN THE RADIANTS CHAPTER???? BRANDON??? WHAT DO I NOT KNOW?

Dalinar continues to be an extra son of a bitch, and I love him.

ok, I’m betting it’s just anyone’s POV can be in any chapter, ‘cause the symbol hasn’t changed. so nevermind. I retract my questions about Venli and Navani.

HI LIFT

I LOVE YOU

“Did you forget to feed them?” I’VE MISSED HER WHY ISN’T SHE IN ALL THE CHAPTERS

“Wyndle doesn’t like hurting people” I !!!! LOVE! THEM!

PLS BE CAREFUL ADOLIN AAAHH

NO???

NOOOOOOOOO??

DON’T?? STAB THE SUNSHINE BOY????

I’M?

his sord

w

swor

d aah

she protec hiom

uuuuuhhhhjfghmgdh

hmfzngrsmkdc

oh snap hold on

Hello Darkness is gonna swap sides? Not that he was really ever on our side, but like. “will make the transition to obeying the Dawnsigners easier” OBEYING? I’m.

that’s Not Great.

“Leave me”? ????? EXCUSE?? NO!!!?? ABSOLUTELY NOT, SUNSHINE BOY, WTF

he has more words

WORDS

GASP

AAHH

LISTEN, DALINAR, ADOLIN IS THE DUELLING BOY. IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHAMPION FOR A ONE-ON-ONE DUEL. YOU NEED ADOLIN. AND HE’S BUSY BEING STABBED AND ALSO NOT HERE AND I’M

YELLING

UNEXPECTED SZETH FALLING FROM THE SKY TO SAVE LIFT??? I’M HERE FOR IT

oohh szeth. honey bunches of oats. one day--one day--you will realize that you don’t actually need a master. and you will become something more.

even if you’ve picked dalinar as your new master, which is good, bc following good men is better than bad ones, buT STILL

also, how come we didn’t get to hear his Words??? I WANT TO KNOW ALL THE WORDS. BAD POV SWITCH MADE ME MISS OUT ON SKYBREAKER IDEALS. BOO.

UGH, STAB HIM, NAVANI

ah. ShalASH, got it

there’s Too Much going on, tbqh.

*quietest of wimpers*: taln

help

aahhh darnit, ok. it IS Renarin that’s corrupted. someone PLS let this boy have, like, A MOMENT of peace

oh for fuck’s sake

Let Dalinar fucking have a moment

COME ON

HE’S THE G O O D G U Y, PLS

I’m suffering

RESIST, DALINAR

AAHH

genuinely don���t think you should just be waving Nightblood around

sheathe that motherfucker

pls

also, if Szeth said his words, shouldn’t he have bonded a spren? Doesn’t have have a sprensword? so maybe he....could stop? using Nightblood? 

somebody help Taln, I AM TOO FAR AWAY TO HUG HIM PLS HUG HIM

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T USE NIGHTBLOOD

JUST SAYIN’

BLESS NAVANI. SHE HAS INVENTED THE TAZER

or possibly weaponized the Cruciatas Curse, but EITHER WAY: NICE.

“Dalinar pulled the Way of Kings close to his chest, clutching it like a child with his blanket at night” MOOD ALSO SAME I FEEL THIS ABOUT MY COPY, TOO

STOP KILLING BRIDGE FOUR

I WILL YELL AT YOU, BRANDON

I WILL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY AND I WILL YELL AT YOU

“Dalinar Kholin is no more” UH HUH, SURE

That would be boring. We’ve already seen the Blackthorn. It’s boring unless we get something new.

fuck off amaram

gross? not recommended.

don’t swallow foreign objects

something GOOD HAS TO HAPPEN SOON OR I’M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM

I’M TIRED GIVE ME HOPE

IT’S BEEN, LIKE, 300 PAGES SINCE ANYTHING GOOD HAS HAPPENED

BRIDGE FOUR KEEPS DYING, ADOLIN GOT STABBED, DALINAR IS BEING TORTURED, FOR FUCK’S SAKE C O M E O N

(purposely forgeting Lift showing up and Navani tazing people in her assessment of how many pages it’s been since good things have happened)

NO FUCKING SHIT, KIDDO!!! THE FUTURE IS MALLEABLE!!! IT CHANGES!! OF COURSE IT CAN BE WRONG

oh

duh

even I had that wrong--the NEXT step, not the first

GOOD

STAND UP

AAAAHHH

“If I didn’t do those things, it means that I can’t have grown to become someone else.” AND YOU DID! YOU DID GROW! LOOK AT YOU! FINALLY YOU ARE REALIZING IT ONLY TOOK 3FUCKINGTHOUSAND PAGES AAAHHH

YAAAS

YOU’RE MY FAMILY

AAAHH

GOOD SOFT JASNAH!!! NOT A THING I EXPECTED BUT HERE WE ARE

“Maybe it’s time for someone to save you.” *MEEP*

hel p

that’s intense

AAAHHHH

EVI IS A GOOD AND I LOVE HER AND SHE DESERVED BETTER ALSO SOFT AND GOOD AAHH

# yikes

but like, a good yikes

yeah, you fucking better apologize to him

Taln deserves an apology form every single person on this planet, and that includes all the Heralds, and the Heralds owe him, like, a hundredbajillion apologies extra

I have emotions

and opinions

HE’S SO GOOD

AND SOFT

MY GODSON

OH MY GOD

OHHHH MYY GOOODDDDDD

HE’S SO GOOD

oh no I love him so much

TEEEEFFT

FINALLY

YES

GOOD WORDS I’M CRYING OH NO

HE’S

SO MUCH

all my soft boys

best boys

dominoes with crystal transformation? MORE GOOD YIKES

YEESSSSS

KALADIN!!!!!

VS

FUCKFACE!!!

HERE WE GO

LOOK KALADIN, YOU DID SAVE HIM!!! YOU PUT THE SYLSPEAR IN JUST THE RIGHT PLACE TO BLOCK THE SWORD AND YOU DID SAVE DALINAR, LOOK AT YOU

NOW PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAB THE EVERLIVING FUCK OUT OF AMARAM

STAND UP AND DO BETTER

LOOK IT’S WHAT i’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME

yes good, heal Adolin, thank you

GOD FUCKING BLESS

LITERAL ORDERS TO STAB THE FUCKFACE

THANK YOU

ofuck he did swallow it

Not Great

every time Adolin talks to his sword, my heart leaps. he actually apologizes and also thanks her and I just! want her to know! how much he loves and appreciates her!

WAKE UP, SWORD! MAKE HIM RADIANT!

COME ON

FUCKING

YOU ABSOLUTE HOOKWORM I CANNOT BELIEVE

TWO SHARDBLADES. OF FUCKING COURSE HE NEVER GOT RID OF KALADIN’S. FUCKING

PIECE OF

ROTTEN SHIT I’m. hate him.

so

much

ooohh Shallan!!!!!! I’m proud of her!! She’d created them to be strong when she wasn’t but she doesn’t need them now aahh!!

OH HEY, FEN’S SON DOES HAVE A NAME and it’s a garbage Thaylen name. Kdralk? all right then

“Life could not be lived making decisions at each juncture.” Szeth.... Szeth that’s. that’s...exactly what life is??? That’s. how you do, actually, live life? I’m ???? ??

‘at the top, they found a jumble of Sadeas troops chipping at a door with hand axes. “I can probably get through that a little easier.”’ HEHEHEH

Lov me a sunshine boy

GOD FINALLY

LET! NAVANI! GRIEVE! THANK YOU

ADOLIN IS SUCH A GOOD COMMANDER, GOD

EXCELLENT TACTICS

I’M SO PLEASED

It’s very satisfying to get Kaladin fighting Amaram and Dalinar fighting the thrill Unmade at the same time

fINALLY something SATISFYINg in this book

listen, I love having the visual of Jasnah’s effortless airsteps from the cover, but I’m still REALLY Disappointed that the covers don’t match up with the flashback character.

It’s Dalinar’s book, it should be Dalinar on the cover, but WHATEVER, WHELAN, ugh.

THANKS FOR ALL THE BROKEN BONES, I HATE IT

It’s never fair when the bad guy brings so many friends to the party.

SHE FINALLY HAS A NAME YES

MAYA IS A GOOD SWORD AND I LOVE HER

eeyyyy GOOD JOB, VENLI!!!

PETITION FOR SUNSHINE BOY TO STOP GETTING HURT

ngl, his is the battle I’m actually most invested in rn, other than Kaladin, I just.

want him to be okay

“half expecting Skar and Drehy to be there to pull him to his feet. Storms, he missed those bridgemen.” ME FUCKING TOO, ADOLIN. WHERE ARE THEY ARE THEY OKAY 

AAHH!! Renarin gets to protect Adolin THAT’S SO NICE GOOD

I ADORE that Lift and Dalinar are besties. It’s the BEST dynamic, such an interesting combo, and I LOVE IT.

“Amaram was screaming in pain.” GOOD.

WONDERFUL. AMAZING.

BRILLIANT.

FRAME IT.

Overconfident fuckface took his own helmet off, bless hiS HEART

“I hurt, once...after I killed your squad, I hurt.” OH BOO HOO, POOR BABY FELT A TWINGE OF GUILT FOR A HOT SECOND I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKWEASEL

oh, gross

thanks

THE SPEAR THAT DOESN’T BREAK AAAHHHHHH MY SOUL

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WE WERE SO CLOSE

it’s ok, we just need one more good solid hit on that gemheart and we’re DONE WITH THIS LOSER

A DOZEN

RENARIN CAN’T FIGHT A FULL DOZEN BY HIMSELF? OH MY GOD

not good

uugghh fuck Malata, I DON’T TRUST HER

Renarin is very brave. A Good.

OH WAIT, TEFT CAN OPEN THE OATHGATE

YAAASSS

YAAAAAAAASSSS

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASASSSSSSSSSSSSS

I’M SO HAPPY

TEFT OPENED THE OATHGATE

LOOK AT MY BOYS

*SCREAMING CONTINUES*

PHEW ROCK IS ALIVE, I CAN KEEP READING

“YOU LOOKED LIKE PERSON WHO NEEDED HUG” ROCK IS THE BEST I LOVE ROCK I’VE MISSED HIM SO MUCH

Oh right, Dalinar’s still, like. doing stuff. I forgot, ‘cause it’s. Nothing’s happening with it.

Should be focal, but there’s. So much going on.

COME ON, KALADIN, YOU’VE GOT WORDS WEIGHING DOWN YOUR TONGUE.

COME ON, DARLING, PLEASE.

ok that’s acceptable

not ideal

but beautiful

a good, solid Rock.

I will accept this end.

Bridge Four is so, so, so important, I cannot express in words.

oh, quiet screaming:

Moash chapter

oooohhhh buddy

One day, you’ll wake up.

Until then, my very garbage brain will write fic, and it will be glorious.

how do people not ship this

he literally helped her remember herself

he recognized her in her sea of selves and pulled her out, cOME ON

THIS IS THE SOFTEST OF SHIPS AND I’M CRYING

AAHH VENLI!! PROGRESS!!! also what order, I must know

whoo Braize IS Damnation, called that shit, like, a book and a half ago.

“only Ishar survived with his mind intact” A RE Y O U V RE Y SU RE AB T T H A T? ???

oh. those are boring Words, but okay. makes sense, the Skybreakers are kinda. Meh.

ugh, we still have to deal with Hello Darkness My Old Friend? He’s going to come oversee training? ugh.

BEST KISS BEST KISS BEST KISS

OTP: NO MATING

OTP

BEST

KISS

YES

“You mentioned something about kissing me until I can’t breathe, but here I am, not even winded--”

B E S T K I S S BEST BEST BEST KISS

“I don’t think I loved her, Syl. I felt...something. A lightening of my burdens...” THE FEELING WAS FRIENDSHIP BUT NEITHER OF THEM HAD EXPERIENCED IT BEFORE.

“I knew you’d come for me.” brb crying forever

I don’t know if you know this, but I really love Bridge Four.

“We lift the bridge together, Teft. And we carry it.”

[cries quietly into that sentence for the rest of eternity]

TARAVANGIAN IS LITERALLY CONFESSING, BUT WHO WANTS TO BET DALINAR FORGIVES HIM AND STILL TRUSTS HIM

i s2g, Dalinar’s pure goodness is going to be the thing that kills him, in the end.

MOASH WHAT THE FUCK

JEZRIEN

I KNEW Ahu was a Herald, HA, but JEZRIEN HOLY FUCK  

actually dead or just bound in the sapphire bc it IS glowing, so. hm.

hm

god

Moash, plllleeeaasseeeeeeeee ugh

ahhh YAY LOPEN!!!

but it. should have been Moash. It was always supposed to be Teft and Moash and Skar and Rock.

And I love Lopen, really, I do. b ut.

I’m also:

~*~GARBAGE~*~

mmmmm ACTUAL FATHER? OR? HMM

I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY ANCIECT GODCHILDREN OKAY? HELP THEM.

OH THANK FUCK

SKAR AND DREHY ARE OKAY

SKAR AND DREHY PROTECT THOSE WHO CANNOT PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!????

THAT’S!!!! THEY DID THE THING???!!! THEY’VE GOT THE WORDS!!!

LOOK AT MY BOYS GO! LOOK AT THEM ALL!!

TEFT AND LOPEN AND SKAR AND DREHY!!!!

I’M SO PLEASED

oh yeah they saved the kid that’s good

LOOK! AT! MY! BOYS!!!!!

Taravangian might be the ONLY fictional grandpa that I dislike

I always like the grandpas.

but noT THIS ONE

hm

by becoming king of the world and then asking odium to spare everyone he ruled, he was going to save everyone.

Not

actually a bad plan

Not a great one, obviously. but. not a terrible one.

Too bad it was NEVER GOING TO WORK

oh fuck off, he stole the Honorblade, which means Malata probably killed Eth, so GOOD NOW I HAVE A SOLID, CONCRETE REASON TO HATE HER, GOOD.

“Why would [Taravangian] work with the enemy? Everything he’s done so far has been to secure a safe Roshar--if through brutal means. Still, I have to wonder. I can’t afford to be too trusting.” I CAN’T BE TOO TRUSTING, EXCEPT TARAVANGIAN, I’LL DEF TRUST HIM OF COURSE, Dalinar, pLEASE

I’m dying, you gotta. ugh

he’s EVIL COME ON

ppppssssssst

*put Jasnah on the throne*

we need someone who’s good at diplomancy, who can inspire people and command them! GEE WHO’VE WE GOT WHO CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND LOOK SHARP AF DOING IT?

I W ON D E R

oh holy shit, they actually did it

they actually did put Jasnah in charge

holy fuck

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS

EXCELLENT

really moash

the stolen honorblade

HE WHO QUIETS --admittedly a great assassin epithet, but

Mooooooaaaaaaaassshhh

S I G H

okay, so we figured out that Sja-anat is anti-odium, that’s good. but HOW do we know that Renarin bonded one of her spren? just...’cause it’s corrupted and that’s what she does? or did I miss something more specific?

oh huh

ok

cool

OH!, he went to get Elhokar’s baby spren. interesting.

does that make Wit a Radiant? ‘cause I bet that’s not going to go over well heheheheh

WHOOOOOO I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Defo not my favorite, but it did pick up at the end there. Part 3 was A TRIP that I enjoyed and I’m still pumped that Bridge Four got 1. POVs and 2. SPREN that was really nice. I’m ~*~GARBAGE~*~ and there was some good garbage Moash content, so I loved that. The roadtrip was Sure A Thing. I love my sunshine boy, Adolin Kholin with all my heart. Aaaaand I’ll circle back to Part 4 and the beginning of Part 5 when it’s NOT 4am!

[dedalustephen]

back for a bit.

i was reading through my diary entries from before and my shit adhd working memory really... makes me forget that i dont actually live as good and privileged a life as i think (or my parents allege) i do

the amount of /trauma/ you can see younger me was put through as a result of my parents' breaking and broken relationship was... slightly insane? i dont think me now would be able to handle that

like my parents really... straight up never gave a fuck about my mental health? it doesnt really clock as Really Bad but threatening to throw the dog out bc ur kid is crying in the toilet and refusing to leave maybe isnt a good thing to do?

and that also neglects the fact ive had to function at "gets into oxf*rd as an intl student" level with undiagnosed adhd that is the root of many, many, many emotional issues (which again of course my parents were not kind to)

and /then/ when i stopped being judgy of everyone and started to appreciate the world around me, 2019 hit and my entire life was thrown into political crisis after crisis, the notes i had in late 2019... i was absolutely terrified then??? like im paraoid now but it was even worse then for me, mentally. and then there was corona, i lost everything i looked forward to, there was never a proper full stop to my secondary school life, and then i was launched into covid era uni life, and then when i got home i hated every moment of it bc my dad was moving out and my mom was dating someone else and i was basically living with reminders that the life i was starting to know how to appreciate was already gone forever.

and then i was stranded in the uk for a year, and still am, put into more and more stressful situations having to deal with an adult adhd diagnosis having to try out meds living alone etc. etc. etc. all while my parents continue to not really give a fuck about my mental health, etc.

and all this isnt counting the stress of studying a dse curriculum and studying at oxf.

not to give myself too many pats on the back but ive really been through quite a lot lol and im quite glad for my adhd impacting my working memory bc i dont actually rmb all this happening, im just dealing with the consequences lol

the whole i want to go home to feel safe and secure thing has probably been a running theme thing, i only really was able to identify and verbalize it as that now bc im physically away from what i call home :( when thing is i never really felt safe and secure at home for a majority of my childhood anyways...

so like 1) ive always been this emotionally unstable, its not some im only like this in uni thing, and 2) ive been forced into dealing with most if not all of the issues thatve been piled up /all in one go/ bc if not i literally cannot be a functional adult that gets thru uni,,,,it is not a wonder that im constantly stressed and breaking down rn lmaooo

oh and i forgot i was gay and trans in hk???? at a very homophobic christian girls school??????? and my crush was deeply suic*dal and i had to talk her out of suic*de like once every two days?????????

what the FUCK was going on

processing all of this in hindsight when im away from my parents, politics, my past etc. is... quite insane i just took all of this in stride. im literally going thru less insane stuff than i did as a child which is why i acc have the headspace to deal with all of this and the emotional stability to process this like this without resorting to vague convoluted poems... also meds help lol

anyways im going to go easy on myself with collections this week and a lot of stuff in the future, of course my standards wont drop but i'll be kinder if that makes sense? like i wont beat myself up over crying rn and if i procrastinate too much i'll know whats up (though procrastinstion is so, so, so stressful) and im still going thru a lot of stress and anxiety,,and while i think im not enough like jesus christ ive been thru some shit people dont usually go thru

it's like wait lemme count

oh god theres also the people pleaser religious guilt and also chinese continue bloodline etc. guilt wtf

like that's 8-9ish things i had to deal with that, with any single one, could very likely break a person completely on the mental side of things lmao

ngl im quite strong :')

anyways now that ive processed that or well, at least started to process it, it's time to move on grow up 現實令你快要快要變做大丈夫 etc except like very much on the emotional strength and not 現實應對能力 lmaooooooooooooooo not j*rs voice being a main motivater again what if i see him and im like omg thank u for singing so many songs!! u helped me process my trauma <333 like akdksjjfsjjfjs lmaooo

[shareyourpeace]

Life is full of choices. Every single thing you do involves a choice and one will make your life better and one won't. If every choice you choose is the right one, you're choosing happiness. The other choice is depression.

Mixed inputs over the years but this is my compilation of them all.

I was depressed. I was in the dark place so many bloody times. After a while, every time I’d thought that was my lowest, that it couldn’t possibly get worse. Then I’d sink lower and lower. I did it again and again x100000.

I can proudly say that I finally see my self-pitying self as I truly was (sometimes even still am). I convinced myself that when I was avoiding was looking in the mirror it was in fear of seeing myself. Although I did look pretty sick, weary and at times nearly deathly (no exaggeration) looking at my physical self in the that wasn’t the key problem. But that lack of self love impacted my self hygiene so at times it was also a problem. A smelly problem. NGL.

The inner contacted I was ignoring was a whole lot more signifcant than that. The buried issues control your conscious emotion and alas your behaviours.

I believe that looking deep into my eyes and into my soul and allowed myself to realize I cant keep lying to myself that whats happening externally is rhw issue. Fact is when you face the truth of the matter which is usally repressed past traumatic issue related, then it would leave you with two options; You can do what YOU and only YOU are obligated to do. Be responsible, face your issues OR you could bury then and then stacked more and more on top of them until you have a nervous breakdown. The stacking would begin with the instant anxiety your self-served ignorance, that you will feel in the future every time you even slightly think of the subject and your anxiety levels will eventually reach it’s capacity.

Which means projection, it comes in many forms - anger for me. Leading me to blame someone else for something silly. Which is usually/defnitely/completely my fault. I’m always dramatic, causing a scene, with 99% chance of precipitation when I flip the lid. And that leads to what? Embarrasment, shame, self-esteem issue blah blah fucking blah.

But many people (like me) literally have not got the physical emotional or spiritual energy to face that shit right now. It’s a lot easier to binge watch every single Greys Anatomy epidsode from season 1 to 500 or whatever one there on. Im no one to judge i watched them all in 3 months from like july til now [ill calculate the hours later]. What Im trying to say here is just recently I was considering mental rehab because I couldnt do it all over again by myself. But my mindset and really my behaviours, thoughts and people arounf me changed.

Most of all, I did. I evolved, started my next chapter whatever... Thing is, Im really actually happy now.

When I refused to deal with my shit, I lived an anxiety-ridden life of self-destruction.

Like many of us, I experienced trauma all through my childhood right to adulthood, even recently still. I’m recovering from recent events and think of myself that because of that it makes me a bit of fraud to give “ advice “ to people, so I’m, going to state right here and now this is not what I’m doing

I climbed up and out of depressions for about 15 years. I experienced  emotionally damaging moments that through me off back into the black just as I was convinced (as super proud) that I’d gotten back feeling hopeful for myself and beginning to think of the future again. This happened so many times, but the last time, was the last time it will happen to me.

Each experience has gifted me with a lesson and the knowledge Ive picked up from how different people react to eachother and themselves and how I react. Mainly how I have learned to not let  my emotions control my life, I’, not only trained my mind, but I’ve gotten physically fit. I can jog now.

 And if you don’t know me (which you don’t) I am lazy my nature,  I joined the gym lots and never went but Im blessed to be slim by nature so you wouldn’t notice much. But I smoke almost ten years now, I barely went on walks 3 months ago and now I jog 10km AND work out a day. And I aint bragging or trying to make you feel bad in anyway, I did this by making the right choices.

Jogging and the other doors and being in nature cleanses my soul. It has healed me so in so many ways this time and I know it’’s for the better because Ive been the top perfomer in work (I WFH for tech company, usually I am alway middle performer, scraping above average).This is a huge indication that dumping  the rubbish thoughts you CHOSE and CHOOSE to think makes space for productivity and exceeding. Not only at work, you do more cleaning, cooking (cue healthy eating more brain food and creative meditation).

I am have been through a journey these last few year and  I’m not here to moan about the in’s and out’s, shoulda coulda woulda, no blaming or aiming or cause hurt or condescend, no moaning and venting - basically no bullshit.

I want to share how I’ve gotten and continue to get better.

Mind body and soul reconnection is what I feel like I’ve began to have and I want others to too because I empathize so much with almost everyone, especially the people who have the least amount of support or knowledge to have any kind of hope. I want to spread that hope.

I live alone and have through covid. if I could this alone (mainly - Ive fuck all family, none at all nearby, lack of friends (later)) and if I can do this, fuck anybody can.

I aint preaching so save the hate for someone who will allow that toxic shit from entering their precious mind space.

Much love,

Zoe

[elirluna]

be, to noise making, talk : )

Be: Have you changed much as a person in the last year?

the 2 months i wasn't depressed in felt like a pretty big change at the time actually... i felt (mentally) healthier than ever, i was productive, enthusiastic, vibrant... even other people noticed. but then it became worse lol so i guess not really

To Noise Making: Do you like to sing?

i mean i like the act of singing but i hate hearing my voice

Talk: What’s your best friend like?

ok but i have 4 best friends

#1: mom friend of the group. she's too caring for her own sake. all about small details. overthinks a lot. is the kindest person you'll ever meet. tries to give you free therapy

#2: the one who went through the fangirl phase alongside me. a fucking nerd but literally has never done homework once in her life. always late for stuff. ALWAYS. it's annoying as heck. does stupid shit but somehow always things turn out for her...?? seriously how the hell she's been alive to this day

#3: music taste is all over the place wow ?? always says she doesn't give a fuck and that means either 1. she doesn't give a fuck or 2. she gives so many fucks she's about to die of anxiety

#4: went through so many phases as a teenager omg it's impossible to keep track. she seems very rational and analytical at first and those are true ngl BUT she's actually a huge softie who can't help listening to her heart lol also listens to a lot of metal

[thysurveys]

730.

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m fine. 2: What’s your dream pet? I don’t really have one.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? This may sound lame, but I really enjoy a chic “smart casual” look. 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Sims. Always has been, always will be. 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: Kevin, my future and . . . I don’t know.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? "May freak out unexpectedly.”  7: What is your Greek personality type (Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic)? I don’t know. 8: Are you ticklish? I am. 9: Are you allergic to anything? I am not. 10: What’s your sexuality? Heterosexual.  11: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Cocoa more than any of the other two. Tea before coffee. 12: Are you a cat or dog person? I’ll say cats. 13: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Merperson, if I had to choose? I don’t know. 14: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? I have plenty of. 15: How tall are you? 5′2″. 16: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I don’t know if I would. 17: How much do you weigh? Next question. 18: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? I do. 19: Do you like space or the ocean more? They’re both fascinating.  20: Are you religious? No. 21: Pet peeves? I have misophonia, so. There you go. 22: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal (opposite of nocturnal)? Diurnal. My anxiety is at its worse at night. 23: Favorite constellation? Aries, only because it’s my star sign?  24: Favorite star? The sun? I don’t really have a favourite star though it would be interesting to have one other than the “sun” lol. 25: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? I don’t really care for them? 26: Any phobias or fears? The unknown. I also have Trypophobia, feeling out of control of my own body and death.  27: Do you think global warming is real? Yeah. 28: Do you believe in reincarnation? I don’t know if I do or if I don’t, though I have watched interesting documentaries on reincarnation. Story time: my dad once told me when he was younger, my Pop and Nan were in the car with my dad, and they were driving to a place they hadn’t been to before and they were lost. My dad said to my Pop (who was driving) to turn at the end of the street and there’d be a bridge. They did, and there was a bridge. My dad knew the place, but he had never been there before in his entire life, so. I don’t know. It’s kind of crazy. 29: Favorite movie? I never know. I have way too many. 30: Do you get scared easily? Yeah, definitely. 31: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? I have had plenty of “family” pets growing up, but myself and Kevin have had two. A dog and a cat. 32: What is a color that calms you? Blue. 33: Where would you like to travel and/or live? America (which I am in March) and the UK. I mean, I would happily travel just about anywhere and everywhere given the opportunity.  34: Where were you born? Australia. 35: What is your eye color? Green. 36: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert, one-hundred percent. 37: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? No. 38: Hugs or kisses? Both. 39: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? I am with him right now, so no one. 40: Who is someone you love deeply? Kevin. 41: Any piercings you want? I’m okay for now. 42: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yes, I do. 43: Do you smoke or have you ever done so? I was, once upon a time, a smoker. 44: Talk about your crush, if you have one! More than a crush. He’s my boyfriend. 45: What is a sound you really hate? I am not great with very “loud” sounds.  46: A sound you really love? Rain! I was actually talking about this the other night with Kevin. 47: Can you do a backflip? Nope. 48: Can you do the splits? Nope. 49: Favorite actor and/or actress? I really fancy Drew Barrymore. I don’t know why. I think she’s pretty badass. 50: Favorite book? Too many to choose from. 51: How are you feeling right now? Anxious. 52: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I need to recolour it again (I had a blonde balayage, but it’s quickly fading) 53: When did you feel happiest? I don’t know. I haven’t felt too “happy” recently. 54: Something that calms you down? Rain. 55: Have any mental disorders? Clinical depression, Depersonalisation Disorder, PTSD (though, this has subsided a lot), Social Anxiety, GAD. These are all diagnosed. I also think I have BPD (undiagnosied).  56: What does your URL mean? My survey Tumblr is self-explanatory, my main Tumblr is solefulness. And I don’t know. It’s inspired by the word “soulful”  57: What three words describe you the most? Creative, anxious and . . . I asked Kevin for help and he said “beautiful”, but you know. Lol. 58: Do you believe in evolution? I guess I do, yes. 59: What makes you unfollow a blog? They haven’t updated in forever or they say some stupid offensive bullshit (e.g. racism, classism, homophobia, etc.). < What they said. 60: What makes you follow a blog? Aesthetics? Lol 61: Favorite kind of person: An INFJ lol or similar. Basically, someone who has an advanced bout of empathy, understanding.  62: Favorite animal(s): Pandas and cats. 63: Name three of your favorite blogs. No, I can’t be bothered and I don’t even know if I do have a favourite right now. 64: Favorite emoticon: The “hang loose” emoticon was the first that came to mind, though I can’t say it’s my fave. Maybe a leaf (I am so lame) 65: Favorite meme: I use a lot of Full House memes. 66: What is your MBTI personality type? INFJ. < me too! 67: What is your star sign? Aries. 68: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? My dog’s dead and she never obeyed commands. She was way too hyper. < Literally my same answer.  69: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? A cardigan as of late. 70: Post a selfie or two? I ain’t ready for a face reveal.  71: Do you have platform shoes? Nope. 72: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I would say I am an INFJ considering they take up only one percent of the population, but you already know that. Let me ask Kevin. He said: “you were the first to graduate in your family. I think. I don’t know. Is that a good one?” 

There you have it, folks.  73: Can you do a front flip? No. 74: Do you like birds? No. I do not like birds. They freak me out. 75: Do you like to swim? I am not crazy about it. 76: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming > ice skating any time. 77: Something you wish didn’t exist: Homophobia. 78: Some thing you wish did exist: Fifty large sacks of money right in front of me. > ngl. Me too. 79: Piercings you have? My ears. 80: Something you really enjoy doing: I like to watch a lot of YouTube and a lot of Netflix (or any film, really).  81: Favorite person to talk to: Kev. 82: What was your first impression of Tumblr? I don’t know. 83: How many followers do you have? Enough. 84: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? I asked Kevin and he laughed. So, I guess not. 85: Do your socks always match? I barely wear socks. 86: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? I can do. 87: What are your birthstones? Aquamarine.  88: If you were an animal, which one would you be? I don’t know tbh. A panda or a cat. Maybe a cat. 89: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Good question. Um, a baby breath bc they’re small and simple. 90: A store you hate? I don’t know nor care. Maybe Gloria Jeans bc I once found out they don’t support gay marriage. 91: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None. I can’t drink it without freaking out. 92: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Both scare me. Can I choose to read minds? 93: Do you like to wear camo? Not my style. 94: Winter or summer? I do love winter, but lately I’ve needed summer. 95: How long can you hold your breath for? I don’t know. 96: Least favorite person? Any evil dictator. < True. 97: Someone you look up to: Kevin at the moment. 98: A store you love? Kmart if I had to choose. Any homeware shop too.  99: Favorite type of shoes My Nike runners are my fave right now. 100: Where do you live? Aus. 101: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? No, just because I’m not. 102: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Never really thought about it. 103: Do you drink milk? I do sometimes. 104: Do you like bugs? I don’t hate them, but I don’t go out collecting them either. 105: Do you like spiders? I am not a great fan but again, I don’t collect them. 106: Something you get paranoid about? Every thing. 107: Can you draw?: No. Unfortunately not. 108: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? I don’t know. It’s funny because via a survey, I am open to any question. But if it’s someone face to face, or away from Tumblr, I freak out and think anything is a nosy question. 109: A question you hate being asked? "Why are you quiet?” Like, I don’t know? Maybe because I am. 110: Ever been bitten by a spider? No. 111: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? My favourtie. 112: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Sunny. 113: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: Kevin. 114: Favorite cloud type: A cumulonimbus cloud because they’re big and they look fluffy. 115: What color do you wish the sky was? Pink. You know, like when the sun sets? Or blue. Blue is calming to me. 116: Do you have freckles? I wish! 117: Favorite thing about a person: I think people in general are interesting so. 118: Fruits or vegetables? Fruits. 119: Something you want to do right now: Eat. 120: Is the ocean or sky prettier? The ocean. 121: Sweet or sour foods? Sweet. 122: Bright or dim lights? In between. 123: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? No. I don’t know. 124: Something you hate about Tumblr: I don’t really think about that to be honest. 125: Something you love about Tumblr: I find it relaxing. 126: What do you think about the least? I don’t know. 127: What would you want written on your tombstone? No idea. 128: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? No one. 129: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Hm… Maybe how much I care about certain people/things. < Truth. 130: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Rarely. 131: Computer or TV? Computer. 132: Do you like roller coasters? They’re alright. 133: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Yeah, a bit. 134: Are your ears free or attached? I think they’re attached? What. 135: Do you believe in karma? Yes. 136: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? Mm, 3. 137: What nicknames do you have/have had? Many. 138: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? I did. 139: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Yeah. 140: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good. 141: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving. 142: What makes you angry?: People can make me angry. 143: How many languages do you speak fluently? Just English. 144: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys. 145: Are you androgynous? No. I don’t think I am, anyway.  146: Favorite physical thing about yourself: I don’t know. I don’t really have a lot to like about myself. 147: Favorite thing about your personality: My willingness to understand, respect and empathise.  148: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. No one in particular. My family, if anyone. 149: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? I don’t know. The 50s or 60s, maybe. 150: Do you like BuzzFeed? Yeah, I do. 151: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? Through friends, at a “gathering”. 152: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No. I don’t. 153: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Not really. 154: What embarrasses you? Because I empathise a lot, I get secondhand embarrassment a lot too. So, there you go. 155: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Every fucking thing. 156: Biggest lie you have ever told: I can’t think of anything right now. 157: How many people are you following? Not many. 158: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? This blog? 730 when I post this one. 159: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? None. 160: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? I don’t know. 161: Last time you cried and why: A few days ago. I don’t want to go into it. 162: Do you have long or short hair? Long-ish. 163: Longest your hair has ever been: Up to my bottom. 164: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? I don’t really have an opinion at all, I guess. Um. I don’t know. I just don’t care nor think about it. 165: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? I mean. It would be interesting to know, but... I don’t care. 166: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes, I do. 167: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? No. 168: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes, sir.

[courtanie]

Submission from anonymous

Hey dude, is it okay if I post a review of one of your ficts on your tumblr? I don’t have an account on ff.net and I honestly don’t want to if there’s an option to reach you elsewhere anyway.. cause point is I’m not really into fandoms or ships or smut or fanart, this ain’t really my cup of tea, but I really like the idea of fanfiction. I guess what irks me in other fanforms is the lack of exploration of the source material? Lack of critical input? I’m not sure and honestly I don’t think too much about it, but I love storytelling above all and it’s great to know that there are places out there where people build communities based on free world building.. you know what I mean? And I won’t lie and say that such a wild and unkept environments bring out only the best out of people, because really, the world of fanfiction (at least as much as i had seen..which ain’t much) is fulled with folks that use is to serve their own fantasies rather than valuing cohersive writing or um..sometimes logic? And that can be so morbidly fascinating and at the same time.. off putting.. to me? I’m not writing this to be a dick and I’m really sorry if it comes over as such, I’m sorta struggling to explain why I’m even reading it if the first thing I’m stating is that I’m not into this stuff.. oh yeah, fuck it, back on track- It’s so fascinating with what kind of stuff people come up with, truly astonishing, things I wouldn’t have thought of in my life for better or worse and the thing that surprises me the most is when I open up a story as a joke, just because i thought the premise sounds so ridiculously it ought to be entertaining in some way- and am consequently blown away by how well it is written. A thing that only fanfiction can do to me- use my predjustices against me and punishes me with good fortune. I never thought reading about a fairly punching another fairy in the mouth would make me so happy but here I am, nooding approvingly out of shock (and some satisfaction too I’d say). It’s soooo impressive how much thought you put into this Dude! Fucking went and invented a language for them! Jesus Christ- I know so little professional writers that would do that..

So much detail, but not enough to be overwhelming, enough to keep the characters grounded. Enough development of the world to feel the realism creep onto the character with a steady persistent pacing, enough room the breathe and how much the humor contrasts it is wonderful and the fact that it derives so much out of the characters themselves makes them fell much more independent to me.

I’m not a native english speaker (so sorry for bad and confusing grammar) and recently moved to another country I barely speak the language of and certain things in the story hit home. I’m so so impressed by your research for it. Just take my word for it that you’re writing the dialogue (or the content of it?) really well and organically, not childish at all. Fact is, when you adapt to a new language you need to step a few steps back in order to be able to follow the path. You gotta hold yourself back so often it feels like you loosing on credibility and everyone sees you as a child of sort, and you know you can give much more, can show much more and just know much more that you are able to be but cant for the time being. And you wonder if you’ll ever come that far to be able to express what you want, and you start doubting yourself if you truly do know what you think you know or did your frustration get the best of you. It’s hard to explain, all the new and old information gets mixed together and it gets kind of hard to keep track of it you know? The things you were certain off, become or seem useless and the things that are new and incomprehensible become like a key of survival.. but you need more time, you need to wait.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. This was just meant to be a bit of encouragment, but of course I rambled into oblivion.Hope it’s not too awkard :) but I really enjoyed Glass and I’m gonna check for updates here and there, just don’t overwork yourself- It’s too sad to see when people get overrun by their own work especially if it is meant for enjoyment and relaxation.

If you find any of the above info usefull feel free to use it, you don’t need to post this ..um..submission(?) I just wanted to post my compliments, you’ve fished yourself a fish out of water. I probably won’t change anything about my fanfiction habits (that is, skipping trough it twice a year when I remember that it exist..) but it feel good to know that people are being creative out there and are getting so good at it as well. Seeing talented people in any field is such joy, as a hobby or profession, it doesn’t matter, It is so good to know that there are so many passionate people scattered around the world ,hidden, doing what they love.

Enjoy your day, xoxo

Hi sorry I know you said I don’t need to post this but okay I do I have no other way to reply to you

There was literally nothing better in the world I could’ve woken up to today holy crap I am legitimately crying happy tears right now. Like I am all but speechless and trying desperately to figure out how to express how appreciative I am for this.

Glass is like, my ultimate pet project. I have others that I’ve been working on that I enjoy a little more, but when it comes down to it, nothing takes more of my effort than Glass’ worldbuilding, so getting any kind of advice or criticism or praise on certain elements really means the world to me. You have no idea how long I waited for someone to talk about the “child” talk. Literally no idea. I was literally BEGGING people to comment on it, to tell me if I’m way off course for how situations like that would play out. No one would help me at all despite the number of readers I have over two sites. You cannot imagine the relief I felt from your words here. I’ve been carrying that stress for months and it’s just nice to know it was carried for nothing more than my own anxieties. Considering I only took two years of a foreign language about ten years ago, I don’t really have a lot of memories on how it played out other than hating the course. (I have my sources who are a lil more practiced in the language field but lol I’m awful about asking for help)

But either way, thank you. Holy shit thank you SO much for this. Ngl I saw ‘submission from anonymous’ in my email and immediately groaned like “jfc it’s another goddamn spam link”. So my glee here is just expressed tenfold from the utter surprise of it all. Also can I say I loved you opened it as a joke. I jump back and forth between treating it like a joke for myself and being super cereal so I totally get coming at it from that angle.

(Also, there’s ArchiveofourOwn that posts fanfiction and has a bit of a nicer comment interface in case you run into this problem again with someone else’s fics and not knowing where to post them, and you don’t need an account to review)

All that aside, thank you again. This just... it really made my day. I may come home and work on the next chappie a lil more after work this just boosted my confidence in the project like no other so thank you.

[ofgodsandllamas]

Some late replies and an update!

prettybabo replied to your post “Hey guys! So I know this isn’t like, huge moving news to anyone since...”

Eeee I'm so excited for you! I hope the moving process is as stress free as possible. I got the major heebies just moving 3 miles never mind to another continent ��

I will not lie - this has been THE MOST stressful move I’ve ever made lmao uuuuggggh and I konw a lot of it could have been made easier if I hadn’t procrastinated but. Ugh it was just SUCH a daunting task! Trying to sort what was going was a NIGHTMARE and trying to figure out how to pack 2 months of necessities into 5 suitcases was DREADFUL (also the movers would not move my nail polish??? so??? I have to slip that into my luggage somehow - which involves reducing cos i’m at 200+ LMAO)

That said - I’M RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!!!!

kayleigh-83 replied to your post “Hey guys! So I know this isn’t like, huge moving news to anyone since...”

Woowww huge change! That's so exciting though, hoping for the best move possible for you and your husband! I really hope you guys settle in quick and enjoy Korea.

It’s SO huge! There’s been a lot of ups and downs (originally we were supposed to be in the Seoul area but have been relocated and it took FOREVER for me to make peace with it) but I’ve always wanted to visit Korea, so the opportunity to LIVE there. GUH!

ohmysims replied to your post “Hey guys! So I know this isn’t like, huge moving news to anyone since...”

Good luck with everything!

mspoodle1 replied to your post “Hey guys! So I know this isn’t like, huge moving news to anyone since...”

How cool! Good luck!

Thank you both!!! I’ve really needed luck to get through so much of this lmao what a PROCESS it’s been!

So I’m officially on the eve of my move!!!!!!! I feel like everything just sort of snuck up on me and ngl this past month has felt like 3. My stress and anxiety got so bad there were a lot of sleepless nights and real, actual stress gagging? I never want to clean a house for move out inspection ever again in my life. We’re currently staying at a friends house til we fly out and I’m still shifting things around in our luggage LMAOOOOO

Thank you to everyone who has had a nice message to say about this move! It’s been so hellaciously stressful, but I’m SOOOOOOO excited!

I’ve been messaging with this adorable lady who runs a secondhand bookstore and does Korean lessons on Thursday and Friday mornings and I can’t wait for them! I’ve spent many years trying to learn Korean myself, but my dedication is severely lacking, so my foundation is RIDICULOUSLY weak, but I feel like actual weekly classes will really help cement things. There’s also a group of ladies who get together on I think Wednesdays? for a Korean-English language exchange in a coffee shop. I’m really so scared about how bad I am at Korean (which is... silly cos duh that’s the point of learning languages. I hate making mistakes even tho THAT’S LITERALLY HOW YOU LEARN) and also I’m SO SCARED MEETING NEW PEOPLE but I’m gonna face all my fears and DO IT.

I don’t think I’ve ever written about it much but living in Texas has been really rough for me. I don’t drive, so getting around has been impossible and I’ve just generally felt really trapped and stranded and its made my depression even worse. Pyeongtaek and public transportation, though, means I’ll be able to go out when and where I want and GOSH I’m ready to feel alive again!

ALSO!!!!!! I GET TO SEE ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE GROUPS, 2PM, IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!

anyway i wanted to let you guys know I’m still alive and Monday morning I’m gonna be flying into Korea *_________*

[sophiellie]

it’s 1:22 am on a fucking Tuesday

Things need to be typed into the obiss that is tumblr because not one fucker is gonna see this and be shook except future me

but we’ll done bby

You’re doing a fab fucking job

10/10 you deserve all the well dones

became besties with a casual of yours - attachment issues where??? Shoutout to Jack thanks for being my own personal cheerleader and fixing my shitting fiat when it started making expensive sounds you’re the best dick appointment to even land on my door step, never stop being a dickhead it suits you

maybe your job isn’t as great nine months down the line but you made a great colourful cover letter for your dream job - you also got the balls to interview for camp American this week - Kimberly thank you for introducing me to Sainsbury’s own muffins you’re a miracle worker

You went clubbing TWICE in the matter of a weeks time with two different groups of friends. Maybe you had to pick your brother off cameo floor when he’s tripping balls - slight inconvenience but you have faced worse. Will make a great story for his future wife poor poor poor girl. Might blackmail him into making me into his best man lol

ALSO FOR WHAT SEEMS IN THE FIRST TIME IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE I FEEL LIKE SHIT BUY ITS OKAY

Saw my god damn secondary bully THE GURL LOOKS LIKE SHE ATE HALF THE POPULATION OF BIDDIDEN BUT STILL COMES FOR ME which might I add is absolute jokes. My anxious ass even went out the weekend after while she was out and had zero ducking problems because I STOOD MY FUCKINH GROUND FOR ONCE ngl never been prouder of my munchkin self

as my tattoo reads “here comes the sun” and that’s where I’m going. This time next week I shall be chilling relaxing at the pool side in 20+ degree weather living my best life getting a tan of a life time with not a singular fuck given and if that’s not a beautiful thing idk what is

yanno what I even kicked a very popular guy out of my kitchen after a night out because I have some mad standards for Finley which just came naturally. plus to any lads falling upon this post jusy because you share a chicken kebab after a night out and get a taxi home together doesn’t mean girls what a cheeky piece of you get in a box. Still made a really good friend and in his sobering mess said and I quote “tell your dad I love his garage he’s got mad skills” lowkey laugh crying because it was such a funny moment that I will never forget

after three years off pieing this guy off life has finally come full circle and it couldn’t of ended up better for me. I’m not going to say anything because I’m not jinxing it but thank fuck for me being cold meeting you properly for the first time and this whole thing just blossoming before me. I couldn’t be more great full just for him being here. Never thought I’d be a military wife but if the shoe fits lace that bitch up

bought a pair of docs and got a meaty staff discount

had to call my mum about two hours ago because I heard running and she’s chasing her soon to be husband around the room while he’s holding the dog. The cutest couple going and they’re so happy it makes me want to cry but I’m not letting them know that

Mia is at acting school with the queen of the jungle having headshots done which is a massive thing for a five headed Spanish goblin with social anxiety. Her smile absolute dunfounds me and we’re ten years strong

Pops is leaving for Bognor right after I get back, sadly life guarding is jusy not for me but guess who’ll have a meaty discount on a motor home when I come down for a couple weeks in the summer MEEE tumblr gods pls make this okay for her otherwise I will be throwing hands okurrr

After mum died Annabell is still gone with the wind hopefully she’ll come back when she’s ready too but a huge gap is left by mum. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her so I can’t fathom what it’s like for her.

A went to the biggest wedding of the family and it was like watching a circus be let on fire. The main point is I finally got a photo with my sisters and Holly looks like yeh adopted one NOT ME ahhaha

Yeh I’m still dealing with that bombshell but one step at a time lol humour heals all wounds at this point that and sambuca

Anyways I’m gonna watch the rest of Dear John and cry like an absolute baby because it hits home like a bag of sand to the heart. Physically and literally. Oh future Sophie HAVING PRIME, SPOTIFY AND NETFLIX IS WORTH IT you’re doing so good you’re taking your tablets and seeing big bev. Well done Phie you’re doing so goodddddddd

night night xoxo

[the-little-prophet]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE: CHARLIE LITTLE 

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Charles Boon-Mee Kai Little   Nickname: Charlie, Kai (Kai is Charlie’s chu len-- or Thai nickname.) Reason for name: Charles’ father wanted Charlie to have an English name first and foremost and named Charlie after himself. Boon-Mee is Charlie’s Thai name which means “good fortune.” Kai was the nickname that his mother chose because he was born early and was very small. Kai means chicken. ;) Age: 19 Gender: Male Place of birth: Swynlake, England Places lived since: Nowhere! Number of siblings: Charlie has one stepbrother from his mother’s second marriage. He usually only sees them when he visits his mother-- usually twice a year, hardly ever more. 

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Dad–Charles “Buck” Little used to be a pro baseball player from Los Angeles California, but an injury early on in his career benched him and ended that career. Instead, Charles “Buck” Little became an insurance agent and got a job working at InterPride until Taka Lyons took over and fired half his department. That was four years ago. Now Buck gets disability insurance and works at Pride U in their IT department.

Mum- Dr. Phailin Dilsworth, formerly Little, formerly Chaisurivirat. First-generation American, became a college professor and found a job teaching at Pride University where she had her first child, Charlie. She was NOT into the magick-friendly thing as much as Charles was and wanted to move for a long time. She blamed Swynlake as a big part as to why Charlie had his chronic sleeping disorder. Eventually she got a job teaching in a school down in Bournemouth and left Charlie and Buck when he was 9 years old. She remarried when he was 10 and moved with her husband, who was also a professor, to Toronto. Charlie talks to his mom on the phone every month or so and sees her for a few weeks in the summer/every other Christmas.

Sylvester Dilsworth- Charlie’s stepbrother-- same age-- who thinks Charlie is a #freak for growing up in Swynlake, aka England’s great failed experiment. Wants to go into Psychology like his dad (thinks Charlie is #crazy). Charlie does not like Syl.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’6 (teeny) Weight: 125 ish idk height Build: Charlie has always been very short since he was a child and grew very slowly. He’s kinda still hoping he’ll put on another inch or two before he’s done growing but… looking pretty hopeless Nationality: English Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Charlie has severe astigmatism in his eyes. He’s severely sleep-deprived and suffers from dissociative episodes. Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Olive-toned skin, and a few moles on his face and neck. Often times cuts himself shaving (does it like every few days) and so he’ll have tiny nicks here and there. Also misses lil hairs all the time, look he’s trying Distinguishing facial features: His very big thick glasses lmao and he’s got quite pretty eyes in my opinion, even if they are hidden behind his messy fringe and big, thick glasses.  Round cherub cheeks.

Hair color: Black. Usual hair style: Messy and long-- Charlie never has time to brush his hair in the morning   Eye color: Dark brown Glasses? Contacts?: yes to both though contacts bother his eyes.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Charlie comes from a middle-class family and dresses like a typical Brit-- sweaters over collared shirts, that kind of thing. He leans toward hipster-esque if only because he likes comfy sweaters because it’s easiest to fall asleep in haha, and he’s often seen around in pajama pants and zip up jumpers if he slept past his alarm and had no time to change. I would call his style “frumpy nerd chic.” Typical style of shoes: He wears a lot of Toms because they are comfy and easy to slip on, so you know, better than sandals. Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Chronically sleep-deprived, Charlie also suffers from migraines. He’s noticed that if he has bad migraines one day, he’ll probably have a night terror. Which stresses him out. And makes the migraine worse. Otherwise, Charlie is a relatively healthy young boy, with pollen allergies in the spring but no other sensitivities.   

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): NGL this could be better but it’s not his fault he’s just very tired. He does take a shower nearly every day (cold showers to wake him up) and does his own laundry so he had clean clothes. But he often does not brush his hair and wears hats to make up for it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None thus far! He does wear a watch. Accent?: Typical brit Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He rubs his eyes a lot and toys with his hair. He cleans his glasses both as a compulsion and because a lot of the time when he tries to rub his eyes he will hit his glasses and need to clean them from all the finger smears.   Athletic?: He’s pretty fast and limber due to yoga and many years spent running from disasters, whether real or imagined. But Charlie won’t be beating anybody up lol INTELLECT Level of education: Completed a nurse’s assistantship and has a pheblotomist’s license. Taking uni courses on the side, hopes to one day be a proper doctor/surgeon. Level of self esteem: Medium-low. Charlie feels like a burden to his father and a freak to other people even though he knows he can’t help his condition. Years of therapy mean he’s pretty in touch with his sense of self though so while he beats himself up, he does have coping mechanisms. He also knows he is trying his best !! Gifts/talents: An excellent drawer, a pretty great cook, and a hard worker. He also has a lot of practical life skills. He’s a practical guy. Shortcomings: He can struggle to concentrate because of his health issues, he’s pretty cowardly and paranoid, he overreacts, he’s a bit socially awkward (not in a shy kind of way-- Charlie is actually outgoing ish but because he doesn’t have many friends he doesn’t understand a lot of the social cues. His desperation for friendship is also Not Attractive). Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Nervous talker for sure. Doesn’t stammer, just goes on and on and on. Definitely overshares when nervous. “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Left-brained.Charlie is deductive, rational, and wants to be a doctor someday. His secondary -claw is super strong and he craves an explanation for things and hates that he doesn’t have one for his night terrors. The fact that it could be magic also doesn’t comfort him but scares him, despite growing up in Swynlake (hey he thought he was a Mundus all the time ok!) beccause he doesn’t uNDeRstanD and can’t conTrol it. Artistic?: Yes, uses charcoal and pastels. Mathematical?: Yes, he’s p good at math. Languages? Just English. He once spoke in Tongues during one of his Doomer episodes but that was probably a glitch haha. His mother never taught him any Thai.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Logic, always logic.

Neuroses: Thinks World Is Ending At All Times

Life philosophy: uh don’t die? Do the good you can with the tools you have. Be Prepared-- Two is one, and one is none (aka hvae two of everything; its a prepper mantra). 

Religious stance:  Is starting to explore aspects of buddhism which is tied to his Thai culture (something he’s very distanced from especially because his mother no longer lives with him and she was pretty removed from it too) and hopes will help him with his night terrors.

Cautious or daring?:  Cautious Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist- the world is literally always ending.

Extrovert or introvert?: Ambivert, leaning to introversion. If Charlie had friends, he’d probably prefer smaller get togethers and that kind of thing but he would totally socialize and likes talking to people and working together in group projects charlie it is so sad that school is your main form of interaction.   Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable. True millennial. Instagram, Twitter, FB, blog. He depends on his phone and computer a lot for his social life/coping mechanisms. He definitely has internet friends who are doomers like him.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: Bi. Charlie doesn’t really think about romance that much because he’s mostly preoccupied with Death but he had a crush his bff as a smol boy (who was also a smol boy) and also has crushed on girls from afar (and tbh probably kinda crushes on Minnie a bit because she’s so pretty and kind to him). He never really questioned it and so its a nonissue for him. He would like to have a romantic life one day but kinda thinks its impossible like who would like him he’s CRAZY. He can’t even sleep a whole night thru let alone with another person in the bed.

Past relationships: As a boy, he had a crush on his bff at the time--Nate. Nate’s family moved away following one of Swynlake’s disasters bc they weren’t gonna fuck with that shit.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Charlie is not afraid to strike up conversation and sort of accepts his reputation as a Crazy Person so that helps deal with any social anxiety (he’s too busy with his generalized anxiety thanks hahahah.) He has a few people in his classes who are willing to work with him on projects and stuff, a few internet friends-- but otherwise he considers a lot of the patients at the hospital his friends… problematic charlie ur friends r gonna die

Most comfortable around (person): His...cat? SECRETS Life goals: Charlie has always wanted to be a doctor. He wants to be able to respond to medical emergencies like the ones that he’s seen, so he’s thinking of trauma surgery but is open to other paths (he’s also pretty interested in neuro because of his own disorder; he also loves kids, so pediatrics). Just as long as he can help people.   Dreams: it would be nice to have a normal one whats that like   Greatest fears: Death, dying, disaster. And that he’ll be helpless in the face of all that and can’t save the ones that he loves. Also that he’s gonna be a lowkey embarrassment to his father for the rest of his life. Most ashamed of: His night terrors and the fact that he drove his mom away (he didn’t). Compulsions: Snacking. He snacks a lot during the night and when he watches tv. Obsessions: Watching the Golden Girls a lot, also the impending apocalypse which he had been prepping for since he was small.   Secret hobbies: ...being a prepper…. Is that a hobby…astronomy also thats more normal !! Secret skills:... prepping… Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): none thank god What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Find a cure for his illness/curse What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Charlie would really like to be TALL. His dad is very tall and he got none of those genes and he feels like a pipsqueak and kind of helpless and he sort of is. So number one: TALL. Then he’d like to not have glasses and one day wants to get laser eye surgery to correct his vision, especially if he wants to be a surgeon.

DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl bc he’s terrified of sleeping. Light or heavy sleeper?: heavy sleeper. When he is sleeping, nothing can wake up but like, his dreams or his father shaking and yelling at him. He sleeps like he’s dead lmao Favorite food: Spicy food is his fave. Loves sushi, also loves chips and potato crisps and snack foods in general. When he’s too tired to cook, he’ll just eat an entire bag of crisps.   Least favorite food: Charlie isn’t a fan of a lot of red meats, like burgers and stuff. Favorite book: uhhhh mmmmm charlie isnt a big reader, he’s usually watching television. If he’s reading, he’s reading medical cases and articles.   Least favorite book:  horror story books Favorite movie: old musicals, honestly-- Hello Dolly, Pajama Game, that kind of thing. Very soothing. Probably LOVES It’s A Wonderful Life. Least favorite movie: horror movies leave him alone Favorite song: gosh idk Least favorite song: idk eIETHER probably does not metal Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy Lefty or righty?: leftY Favorite color: green or brown Cusser?: er, a bit, normal youngin. He doesn’t curse in front of adults though he’s pretty good about that. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Charlie has had a few drinks here and there a social drinker if anything. Though he does wonder if drinking a lot could squash the dreams though this is a bad path for him to wander down. He has also thought the same about #drugs but is kind of a wimp and so he hasn’t tried any...yet Biggest regret: Charlie feels like he was a big part of the wedge that drove his mother to divorce his father because they had diff ways of dealing with charlie’s condition aka-- his mother wanted to deal with it and his father didn’t. This isnt really true, just another thing the two disagreed on. Pets?: A cat that his mom left behind! She’s old and fat and grey and her name is Emily