#my brain was up to something last night

[musubiki]

🎂 birthday time 🎂

[a-mongooose]

Why do I always end up posting at completely unreasonable hours? Oh well! Sleep is for the weak <3 The Drew kids have comically large gaps in skill when it comes to artwork. Like Audrey really needs to step up her game <///3 And by popular demand, I have given Bendy his well deserved chocolate. Nothing else happened. No souls were harmed in the process. Trust me bro 

[lowpolyshadow]

i have art block but i also don't have art block you feel me

[ledzeppelinmixtape]

wish house was a real doctor so i could be his mystery insomniac patient and after giving me horse tranquilizers and still not falling asleep he just hits me in the head with his cane and im out like a light

[alluralater]

@ the gorgeous girl in my apartment building with the trans tattoo on her thigh that i met in the elevator one time last summer and now see everywhere, i need you to know i think about you randomly at night and i yearn to take you on a date. you’re so pretty and you were so nice and sweet and when you complimented me i felt my cheeks get super hot but remember i was moderately cool about it?? i could see the numbers counting down to the end of the elevator ride in my periphery and i didn’t want to waste my time being flustered so we started complimenting each other on everything, and you were blushing too?? anyways i should have asked for your number but i didn’t because all the trans girls i know are cuffed and everyone in my building is too so i didn’t wanna be weird and make you uncomfortable if you were dating someone and only looking to make friends. i think about you some random moments and everytime i go to do my laundry i question if i should dress up a tiny bit better just in case i see you. also uh… why does your laugh sound like music?

someone get this to her like a message in a bottle thrown desperately into the ocean please

[dailyloweffortpace]

Day 20: aaauughfgsgxgvnnfgjnd

[crow-with-a-pencil]

@naffeclipse

Them ❤️

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[branches-of-time]

looks at images of Mondstadt and tears well up in my eyes

[not-poignant]

heya folks I'm struggling pretty hard with depression right now so I'm lagging a bit on replying to comments and asks and just generally doing functional stuff like editing, so I have the next Palmarosa chapter but I still need to edit and right now just showering seems impossible do not recommend Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD y'know the combo is mean

[b4kuch1n]

langa special

[rapidhighway]

people who don't picture stuff in their brain have so much peace when falling asleep while my brain literally shows me the most bizarre stuff VISUALLY and I cannot stop it from happening

[actual-changeling]

Focusing a bit more on their ptsd lately because I want to and I can, this is set a few weeks after they got to Jackson so still pretty early on. Completely fluffy though, promise!

-

There is nothing worse than being alone in a crowd with no one to have your back.

Ellie's hypervigilance is in absolute overdrive after Silver Lake whenever she isn't too dissociated to perceive anything at all, and leaving the house becomes a choice between constantly looking around and driving herself half insane trying to look for something, anything dangerous and gritting her teeth and pushing through it while her brain screams at her that the worst things imaginable are seconds away from happening.

Both options are terrible, both leave her shaking and on edge, and any loud or unexpected noise makes her jump even when it is three streets down and completely unrelated to her. Going outside isn't safe, isn't fun, so she doesn't, and she is acutely aware that it's a problem she will need to solve one day, but for now her skin is stretched less tightly over her bones and the back of her neck only gives her the occasional jolt of paranoid electricity.

It doesn't even fully occur to ask someone for help when there is a movie at the theater she really wants to see that night, she thinks about it all day with a heaviness in her heart that almost has her put on her shoes and go anyway, but then the bell ringing for lunch has her almost falling out of her chair and she settles with the sour taste of defeat on her tongue. She would ask Joel to go with her, but they both know he is just as jumpy as she is, especially with her around in a closed space, and yeah it's a problem, but for now it is what it is, and she doesn't ask.

However, while she forgot about the obvious solution, Joel didn't.

That evening, Tommy comes over, which in by itself isn't surprising, that man is more at their house than at his sometimes, but he doesn't take off his shoes like he always does and waits for them in the hallway instead. She leans against his side in the greeting half-hug they tend to do, his arms around her shoulders, and the weight of it in her neck does the same thing Joel's hugs do - they absorb the panic and let it run through them into the ground, redirecting the lightning jumping across her skin. Ellie looks up at him and her face lights up before Tommy even gets the words out, putting two and two together and vibrating with excitement so bright she can't even feel stupid for not thinking about it herself.

"Ready for movie night?"

"Are you sure?"

Asking him that feels like she is stomping on a christmas present before even opening it, but her fingers are twisting in her shirt and joy is a warm, yellow sun in her chest, and she needs him to wants this as much as she does or she will feel bad for dragging him along. His hand settles on the back of her head and her gaze flicks between him and Joel, who is watching her and her only.

"Are you kidding me? Alien? Of course I'm gonna go see it, it's one of the best fucking movies ever."

There is a few seconds of silence and dizziness shoots straight into her head when she forgets to breathe, but then she falls forward and squeezes Tommy so tightly she can hear the air rushing out of him before letting go to put on her shoes. She is so focused on getting there before everyone else so they can get the best spots, planning out the quickest path to the building (although there really aren't that many options, more like three and a half possible routes), she only realizes Joel is shrugging on his jacket too when she turns to say her goodbye for the next few hours. There's a familiar tightness in his jaw, and she is pretty sure there's at least a knife somewhere on him, but his eyes are soft and she realizes that Tommy isn't just an additional anchor of security for her.

Paranoia grows all over her skin, a deep-seated itch she can never scratch enough, but Joel is right next to her and she can hear Tommy's footsteps behind her, and it is enough to keep it subdued enough for her to handle. They all silently come to the agreement to sit near the side rather than in the center, neither of them fully comfortable with being surrounded by people like that, and having space on one side, Joel on the other, and Tommy behind her makes it easy to forget about everyone else once the movie starts.

She jumps when someone accidentally kicks over a chair, and Joel gently squeezes her hand whenever she crushes his during the few times her brain tries to convince her everyone in the room is out to kill her, but they all make it through the next few hours without chewing on their panic the entire time. Tommy's quiet comments from behind her make up half the fun, and on the walk back, she paces circles around them while talking a mile a minute about a conflicting mess of a thoughts she cannot sort through in her excitement; Joel watches her just like he has been doing the entire night, and she doubts he heard a single line from the movie. The tension in his jaw has dissipated, though, and her lungs expand without resistance.

They stop right between their two homes, and for the first time since arriving in Jackson, Ellie feels almost sad to go back inside again. There's a moment of silence before she wraps herself around Tommy in another hug, her thank you a muffled whisper against his chest before she leans away, and it is hard to tell whether she is thanking him for having her back or for being family.

"Any time, sweetheart."

Both, she decides, and they all know without having to say a single word.

There is nothing worse than being alone in a crowd, but she is no longer just by herself, and although she forgets sometimes, there will always be someone to have her back now.

[aesthetic-gem]

a resume of my morning:

wake up, remember badboyhalo stream yesterday, remember q!badboyhalo all alone and in distress, no one can help him, be sad

[lunar-wandering]

head hurty