#my brother just texted me that our cousin's ex and the father of her child is getting married again and sometimes it just leaves me

[saturnsummer]

flutter and kicks

notes: from lay's @/__ryubeom tweet + a pregnant solhwi anon ask. in headcanon form since it's more spontaneous! 

hello tumblr fam! i know, it’s been long... but ficfest and all has kept me kinda busy. a little different this time! a headcanon after a long time, since it’s more fun and easy on the eyes!

extra notes: drumstick reference to hospital playlist episode 4! a little reference to @scripturiends twitter au “dynasty” at the end. have fun! as usual, grammar mistakes by me!

attorney sol and prosecutor joon hwi have been married for a couple years, now well into their early thirties.

sol and joon hwi always take walks in the parks and wondered what it would be like if they had their own.

sol was initially hesitant, with her experience of broken families and having no dad figure. what makes her think her child could grow up in a loving family, if she didn't have one she could be a role model or look up to?

but joon hwi had it worse, having been an orphan from young, and raised by his uncle, his cousins, aunts and relatives ostracising him. yet, he still believed in the happy family he always wanted with sol.

he dreamt of kissing his kids good morning, sending them to school before going to work and sending his wife to work. on nights, they would work on their kid's homework together in fun ways and tuck them in bed after bedtime stories. they would spend the weekends at parks, meeting with seungjae's kid, and the children of their friends.

sol came round eventually, seeing how joon hwi never stopped believing. this time, it was different. joon hwi is not her father, nor is he her step father. he is han joon hwi, the man that saved her lives multiple times. han joon hwi, the man that stood by her when lee man ho was her biggest threat to her family. han joon hwi, the man who loves her, despite being a klutz in school.

he is han joon hwi, the man that loves her for every imperfection and perfection she has.

sol and joon hwi start trying for a baby, which is especially timely when kang sol's mom asks when is she gonna have a grandchild to hold and byeol pipes up saying she would love to have a brother as opposed to sister. (15 years with sisters have made her wonder what it would be to have a little baby boy in the house instead.)

a few weeks after their first time trying passes and sol has been feeling more tired. she's been busy with case after case at kang and park, so she doesn't think much.

only when she misses her period, she freezes. as stressed as she was, even in law school, she has never missed her period or was late. with shaky breaths, she wonders at the slightest chance of having a little life grow in her, as her hand unconsciously travels to her stomach.

sol is excited, but nervous at the thought that maybe nine to ten months later, she would have a child she can call her own in her arms.

over the weekend, sol raised this to joon hwi. joon hwi stops everything and even though he is beyond excited, he stays calm looking at how nervous sol is. together, they go out to get two pregnancy tests, where sol takes it.

the ten minutes of waiting were a complete torture for sol, as she paces back and forth.

"sol, stop pacing. you're going to burn a hole in our floor."

"joon! what- what if it really happens? i'm not ready! how are we ready? you just started your career in the prosecutor office, and i'm buried under cases! i can barely take care of my mom and byeol and myself, what about the child? oh no, what if i'm a bad mom?"

"honey, sit down. look, we'll get through this together okay? no one is ever ready for their first kid. remember seungjae-hyung? he freaked out the day juyeon-noona went into labour and he's a doctor! it's okay, just calm down, alright? do you want warm water?"

when the timer rings, they look at both the tests, showing the double lines indicating a positive test.

sol was pregnant. sol was going to be a mother. joon hwi was going to be a father. their family was starting.

shaking, sol finally let her emotions hit as her tears fall. she was so caught up worrying about herself, life, her work, family; she hadn't had time to process her own feelings on her own. she wanted the feeling of joy of holding her child. she wanted to know what it was like to share a mother's bond with a child.

joon hwi, looking at his wife, only hugged her as she teared up in happiness. his dream of having a family is finally coming. even better, his best friend, his biggest cheerleader, was next to him.

"what are you crying about? you should be happy!"

"j-joon h-hwi ah... we're going to be parents.."

but their journey was far from over. they booked an appointment with juyeon and made juyeon stay quiet about this. seeing the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeats of their unborn child was enough to move sol to another round of sobs and joon hwi held his wife's hand while the tears ran down his face. together, they smiled, knowing that a life was born and growing.

all could have been hidden, but seungjae walked in that moment, asking if his wife wanted to join for lunch. sol and joon hwi were prepared to lie, but having a printed ultrasound scan in their hands, and the fact that they were in juyeon's clinic, a OB-GYN clinic, confirmed suspicions.

"juyeonnie, do you want to go for— joon...hwi?"

"oppa..."

"ah, congratulations sol. congratulations joon hwi." seungjae only smiled looking at the best people he knew become parents. he recognised the pride in joonhwi's eyes, the same eyes he had when juyeon told him they were expecting.

the new parents smiled at their brotherly figure as they wished them a good lunch.

but out from the corner, yeseul spotted joonhwi and sol as she walked into the clinic and she locked eyes with sol. sol slams the door shut and drags joon hwi back and groans, letting a defeated whine.

"sol-ah, what's wrong?"

"yeseul is here! she's probably here for a regular check up, the one she told me about last month!"

and with that, their phones started beeping with countless notifications.

yeseul could put two and two together, especially when it wasn't just sol, but joon hwi in the clinic as well. she texted her boyfriend, bokgi, who spat out his soup when he was eating with yebeom, who sent a string of messages to the group chat.

when sol opens the door again, yeseul only gives a sheepish smile.

"yeseul ah..." sol sighs and joon hwi only smiles, too happy to hide this secret.

"sorry unnie, i can't miss the moment. congrats unnie, oppa! hello, seungjae-oppa, juyeon-unnie!"

"thank you, yeseul. we'll see you next week, as usual?"

behind them, seungjae grumpily argues with his wife.

"why are my ex-classmates seeing you more than i do? i literally work, like, five blocks down at the police station! they live all over seoul!"

"honey, let me see yeseul first, okay? then let's go get lunch. i heard they are serving drumsticks in the canteen today.”

-----

pregnancy wasn't easy for sol. she insisted on working, despite attorney park's orders to take on lesser cases in court. sol couldn't find it in her heart to reject her clients.

yeseul, working closer to sol, would lunch with her to make sure she eats for the sake of her baby. joon hwi did his best to join, despite sol's arguments to not bother and that she can care for herself.

her morning sickness was bad, and she would wake up giddy and nauseous. many times, joon hwi wanted to call jiho to ask him to cover him, but sol would not let him do it. she'll pull herself together and go to work, and promise to take work lightly.

on days she couldn't get out of bed and she was too tired, her mother would come over and cook her nutritious soups, stock their fridge with vitamins and supplements and tonics for sol.

sol's cravings were also odd. she was never one to like sweets, but she found herself craving sugary cakes, cookies and pastries. joon hwi made it a point to stock their cabinets with cookies and buy a cake whenever he could for his wife.

joon hwi was honestly the best husband anyone could ask for. he helped to tidy the house, clean the house while sol was resting. he made soups and tucked sol in bed on her down days.

sol felt bad that she was being cared for and doing nothing in return, but joon hwi would always remind her that she was already doing the most important job, which is to literally grow their kid inside her.

many nights before bed, they would sit together and their hands would rest on her stomach, as they whisper sweet things to their to-be child.

when sol first felt the kick of her child with joon, they smiled so wide, all exhaustion from reports and arguments in their offices were gone. all that mattered was their child responding.

yeseul was beyond excited, as she helped sol with getting furniture and clothes. the study group came together to help them set up a new cot in their small apartment, as the ladies sat while looking at the men, fixing a cot with much difficulty.

aunty yeseul was the first to buy a stuffed bunny for her unborn child, and sol b, even though she was usually cold, offered to babysit in the future.

eventually, attorney park made sol work at home instead of going to the office. she argued that professor kim eunsook was able to teach while pregnant, but attorney park only said "yang jonghoon's orders" and it was enough to shut her up from any complaints.

of course, professor yang. the only person attorney park really is afraid of and listens to.

when they found out that sol was having a boy, joon hwi was lost in thoughts, wondering if he will grow to be like himself. but sol only placed a hand over his and gave a comforting smile.

"remember what you said at the beginning? whatever it is, he will be of the next generation. from him, it will be different."

they then would discuss how they wanted joon hwi's dimples, sol's twinkling eyes and cheekbones and joon hwi's charming smile.

closer to the due date, jiho stepped in to cover for joon hwi as he started to work half days, afraid of leaving his wife at home. sol, now heavily pregnant, really only commuted to the bed from the bathroom and then to the table, where she would spend most of her time reading or doing something relaxing.

yeseul made sol put her on speed dial with sol b, just in case, and so they would be the first to know too.

the morning came when sol woke up to a wet bed and shook joon hwi awake when the contractions kicked in. joon hwi snapped out, grabbed their hospital bag and guided sol to the car where both of them spent the next day in the hospital as sol went through nine hours of labour pains, and another two hours pushing her baby boy.

joon hwi never left once, standing by her side and holding her hand as she pushed her baby out, wiping away the sweat from her face.

when the time came for him to be held in his mother's arms, sol only smiled, knowing that as tough as the past ten months of working, no caffeine and staying up late nights was, it was all worth it for the little life in her arms.

as his son's hand grabbed onto joon hwi's finger, joon hwi made a promise to love this child unconditionally, to guide him in the right direction and bring him up well. sol was right. from him onwards, it will be different.

welcome to the world, seungjun.

[songtoyou]

Chapter 12: Switch - Part One

Tolerate It

Paring: Modern!Tommy Shelby x Original Female Character

Story Rating: R (No minors should read this fic).

Word Count: 3,791

Warnings: Swearing

Story Description: Tommy Shelby is the owner and CEO of Shelby Company Limited. Starting out as a Bookmaker, Tommy had big ideas to expand his riches. In the past ten years, the company has grown rapidly to expand its business ventures from bars to producing alcohol, manufacturing motor vehicle parts, and exporting. One of the richest men in Great Britain, Tommy Shelby, has it all. Unfortunately, the death of his wife, Grace, left the multi-millionaire mogul alone and depressed. He needed someone to fulfill his needs and deepest darkest desires.

Chapter Summary: Easter has arrived. Tommy is spending it with his family, while Rose is forced to spend time with her ex. We learn that Tommy does not always want to be in control. 

A/N: This chapter will have two parts.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Tag list: @owenniasstars​

There was a part of Tommy that wished he did not have to be in control all of the time. It was understandable that he be the one in charge of his business as he had no other person to rely on to step up to the plate. Michael was still too young. Also, Tommy had been developing doubts and distrust towards his cousin. It didn’t help that Michael would schedule secret meetings with potential business partners and act as if he was doing it to help Tommy and the company. Tommy used to rely on and confide in his Aunt Polly. Yet, she began to distance herself more and more from the company, especially since getting remarried to Aberama Gold, a fellow business associate to Tommy. John and Arthur had their business deals to worry about, and Ada spent most of her time in the States.

He wished Grace was still alive. She was Tommy’s number one supporter. He shared almost everything with Grace (the legal side) and truly valued her advice and opinions. When Tommy was with Grace, he was able just to be himself. He was allowed to be calm and not have to overwork his mind. He didn’t have to be in control.

It was only with Grace that Tommy allowed another person to have total control over him in the bedroom. Both he and Grace shared characteristics of a dominant and submissive. They often switched roles, with Tommy as the dominant and Grace as the submissive, and vice versa. He loved it when Grace used to dominate him. No one would have suspected the sweet-natured blonde woman had an alpha personality behind closed doors, who was and controlling and overtly sexual.

With Grace gone, Tommy never allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of anyone. Lizzie tried to get Tommy to open that side of him up, but he denied her. He couldn’t do it. A part of Tommy felt as if it would be a betrayal to Grace. Both Ada and Polly constantly told Tommy that it was okay for him to move on from Grace.

“She gave you, on her deathbed, the permission to move on, Thomas. Respect your deceased wife’s wishes,” Aunt Polly would tell him. 

“Find someone to have a family with, Tommy. Charlie deserves to have a mother figure in his life and possible siblings if it were to happen. Let yourself be happy,” were Ada’s words of encouragement. 

No doubt Tommy would hear those exact words at his sister’s house this Sunday afternoon to celebrate Easter with the entire Shelby clan. Boy, it was going to be a long day. Charlie ended up spending the night at Ada’s with his cousins. Tommy was glad for that as indeed his sister would provide his son with an Easter basket. Tommy was not one for decorative or holiday pleasantries. That was all Grace. When Grace passed, Ada, Polly, or Esme would be the ones to step in and make sure Charlie celebrated his birthday with a party or invite him over for holiday festivities. Guilt would riddle Tommy at that notion that he could not provide his only child with a happy environment. Yes, Tommy loved Charlie dearly. However, Tommy could not deny that he lacked in other emotional departments. He was not one for sentiments or terms of endearment.

Another subject Tommy was not keen to have brought up was his “relationship” with Rose Turner. Unfortunately, he knew better than to expect his family members to rile him up about her and ask questions. None of them knew how Tommy met Rose. It was the same with Lizzie. While both Arthur and John were not faithful to their wives, neither were allowed to be members of Excelsior Club. He had mentioned Arthur and John to Tatiana to inquire if they could become members. Tatiana stated that they were both a liability. “Your brothers are too reckless and don’t fit the standards of our usual clientele. They are, how do I put this nicely? They are too ‘rough around the edges,’ so to speak,” Tatiana said dismissively when Tommy first started going to the Club.

It didn’t matter to Tommy either way; his brothers still managed to do fine all on their own. Besides, Arthur and John were not the faces of Shelby Company Limited; Tommy was and had an image to protect. If Tommy went down in disgrace, it would be for his business dealings, not that he kept himself in the company of whores.

However, Tommy could not help his growing feelings for Rose. There was an energy about her that was attractive to him that he could not quite understand why. Tommy was not sure if it was because Rose was able to adhere to his wicked desires. It amazed Tommy how she was keen on submitting and doing almost anything to please him. During scenes, Rose responded to Tommy as if he was the only man she needed, the only man she desired. And it felt genuine, not put on. There would be moments during aftercare where Rose would look at Tommy with such admiration and respect, that at first, it made him feel uneasy. But after a while, he came come to desire that look. That Tommy would do whatever it took to make sure Rose always looked at him in such away. Tommy found that he craved Rose’s respect, which caught him off guard. 

Tommy soon realized that he also respected Rose and how she would do anything for her son. He admired that notion about her. She willingly entered into a line of work that could be demanding, demeaning, and possibly dangerous to provide for her child was not something that Tommy took lightly or was flippant about it. He would never refer to Rose as a “hooker with a heart of gold.” No, she was much more than a trope. Tommy knew Rose did not need a knight and shining armor to save her. 

Lizzie wanted Tommy to save her. At the time, Tommy was in no position to be someone’s hero. He was too bruised, too shattered, too broken. 

Now, here Tommy was at his sister’s home celebrating Easter. He sat back and watched everyone. The laughter, the smiles, Tommy felt like he didn’t belong. Tommy felt like he couldn’t breathe, so he stepped out back to smoke a cigarette since Ada did not allow smoking in her home.

The inhale of nicotine helped soothe Tommy’s anxiety and calm his nerves. Often, he wished he was back on opium. It was his way of coping after coming home from Afghanistan. He was only able to get clean because of Grace and her support. He never touched the stuff after getting clean, but there were still cravings. The feelings that came with the high brought such bliss. The satisfaction that nothing could harm you. Those weren’t going to go away magically overnight. 

Tommy’s solitude was interrupted when his son, nephews, and nieces ran outside with their baskets to search for eggs. He looked at his watch and sighed. He was not sure how much longer he could stand this. 

As the children flittered around the yard, Tommy took out his phone. He opened the message from one of the Blinders he had assigned to watch over Rose that day. The text message Tommy received earlier unsettled him. It was a picture of Rose exiting her house with Louis and a man. The three got in a car and drove off. At first sight of the image, Tommy felt enraged. He immediately wanted to know who this man was and why he was with Rose. Tommy was livid. Fortunately, he calmed himself down when Rose sent him a text an hour later.

Rose: I know you have your guys watching over Louis and me. While I do appreciate that, it is a little much. The man I am with is Louis’s father, Nick. We are going out for an Easter brunch. Nothing for you to worry about, and Happy Easter. 

Tommy didn’t respond, but he was grateful that Rose cleared things up. He knew his reaction to the picture was ridiculous. The slight pang of jealously surprised Tommy. He didn’t quite know where it came from; it was the same feeling when Rose told him that Changretta contacted her. He was still unsure about what to do with Changretta. First, it was only business that Changretta was causing Tommy grief; now, the man was gearing up to steal his girl. Tommy realized that he must have been too lenient when dealing with the Changrettas now overstepping their boundaries. Tommy and the Peaky Blinders would have to put them in their place for good. 

Tommy would make sure that Rose was not a casualty if a war broke out. He was not going to lose her or the war.

“Mum! Come on!” Louis yelled. He was dressed and ready to go, but his mum was taking forever. “What is taking so long?”

“In a minute!” Rose shouted back. She was ready but was busy doing making an Easter basket for Louis. Rose placed the items strategically in the basket. She grabbed the basket and walked down the stairs. “Happy Easter, my little man.”

Rose handed the basket to Louis, who had a look of confusion and annoyance on his face. “What the Hell, Mum? Is this what you have been doing for the last thirty minutes?”

“Yes,” Rose said. “Don’t you like it?”

Louis sighed and placed the basket on the table. “I’m too old for an Easter basket,” he moaned but still looked through the basket to see what he got. “Holy shit! A new iPhone! AirPods!”

“Still want the basket?” Rose questioned sarcastically. “I mean, I’ll take it back if you don’t want it.”

“No, I want it. Mum, thank you,” Louis beamed with happiness and hugged Rose. 

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. You’re a good kid. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mum.”

Their tender moment was cut short when the doorbell rang. “Who the bloody Hell could that be?” Rose asked, confused.

“It is probably Dad. I told him it would be easier to pick us up,” Louis explained and went to open the door. “Dad! So good to see you.” 

Rose stood back, arms crossed, as Louis hugged his father. It was a sight that had Rose feel a pang in her chest. It reminded her that the three of them could have been a family, a typical family. That is what Louis deserved. Nick looked over at Rose and smiled at her. It was a warm and genuine smile. Rose felt like she was sixteen all over again.

“Rosie, you look…beautiful as always,” Nick complimented and went in for a hug but stopped himself. “We can hug, right?’

Rose scoffed, “Of course we can hug, weirdo.” The former lovers embraced, and Rose felt a familiarity, the feeling of being safe and uncertain. She pulled away. “Well, we better get going. Louis, where did you decide we go to eat?”

“Bella Roma. Can we stop by an Apple store after we’re done eating? I want to be able to switch over from my old iPhone to the new one. Mum, got me a new iPhone.” Louis held up his phone to his dad.

“Nice,” Nick admired. 

“We’ll see. Come, let’s get going,” Rose ordered and ushered everyone out of the house. Locking up, Rose turned around to see Louis and Nick walked towards a car. “Wow. Is this your car, Nick?”

“Don’t act so shocked. It is a used car, but yes, it is mine,” he told Rose. “It is a 2017 Hyundai Elantra. Got a pretty good price for it too.”

“Very nice,” Rose approved as she got inside, with Louis settling himself comfortably in the back seat. 

“Dad has a full-time job now. Isn’t that right, Dad,” Louis spoke up eagerly.

Nick started the car and drove away from the house. It would not be too long before they arrived at the restaurant. “Where do you work?” Rose asked, trying to hide the tone of suspicion in her voice. 

“My father took pity on me. I work at his insurance company. It took a while for him to trust me again. But Mum told Dad to give me a chance, especially when I got out of….”

“Prison,” Rose interrupted, and she noticed Nick straighten up in his seat. “That is good to hear. I’m glad your relationship with your parents is better. Better than mine, that is for sure,” she added under her breath. 

It was not long until Nick parked near Bella Roma. Once they entered the restaurant, the three were seated quickly. Rose sat on one side, while Nick and Louis sat together on the other side. Rose sat back and watched the interaction between father and son. It was sweet to watch Louis interact with his father. As Rose looked between the two, she was reminded how much they both looked so very much alike. It was eerie. Dark brown hair and brown eyes were two of the features they shared, along with a dimple on their chin. 

Soon, their waitress stopped by to get drink orders. “I’ll just have water, thank you,” said Rose. Truthfully, she would have liked a glass of wine to help take the edge off. However, Rose didn’t want anything to hinder her guard up around Nick.

They ended up ordering pizza to share and a plate of arancini as a starter. Louis was the one to dominate the conversation. He was desperately trying to get his parents to interact more. Louis kept praising his dad’s accomplishments to get his mum’s attention. “Mum, did you know dad volunteers to help underprivileged kids. It’s like, what did you refer to it as, a nice version of scared straight?”

Nick chuckled, “Something like that. I figured I could do something good and help guide kids to not make the same mistakes as me.”

Rose bit her tongue. For Louis’s sake, she would be nice. However, she wanted to bite back and ask Nick what he considers mistakes he has made throughout his life. Rose hoped he didn’t view Louis as some mistake. That would set her off. Rose picked at her pizza; she found herself not hungry all of a sudden. Nick and Louis continued to talk amongst themselves about mundane topics such as school, sports, music, etc.

At that moment, Rose’s thoughts drifted to Tommy. She wondered what he was doing, and kind of wished he was with her. That thought caught Rose off guard. She pulled out her phone and sent him a quick text. She wanted to let him know that she was out with Louis and Nick, along with wishing him a happy Easter. There were times where Rose wished she didn’t have to leave Tommy after their rendezvous in the hotel that Friday. She always felt safe with Tommy. There was a sense of security and a feeling of being protected. 

Rose found herself that the more she hung around Tommy, the more she began to trust him, and the more Rose began to like Tommy, which scared her. She was not supposed to develop feelings for him. He was a client, after all. He paid for her services. She willingly allowed him to do unspeakable sexual acts to her. Rose was willing to let Tommy do things she would never allow any other man to do to her. She wondered what made Tommy different compared to someone like Luca or Alfie. Probably because, in a weird sense, Tommy treated Rose like a human being and not some toy. Yes, she knew Tommy tended to be possessive, but he still respected Rose’s boundaries. Rose trusted Tommy not ever to cross them. 

“Rosie, are you still here?” Nick asked. He waved his hand in front of Rose’s face to get her attention.

“What?” Rose shook her head to clear her mind. “Sorry, what’s going on?”

“Dad asked you about the guy you are currently seeing,” Louis answered. He was frustrated that his dad brought up Tommy. 

“Oh yeah, what about Tommy?” 

“Just wondered how long you have been seeing this guy? How did you two meeting by the way?” Nick questioned. “I’ll be frank; I was stunned to find out that the mother of my child is dating the one and only Tommy Shelby. Isn’t he an OBE?”

Rose shrugged her shoulders at the question, “I guess he is an OBE. I don’t know; he has yet to show me his medal or whatever it is they get. You know, Tommy is just a guy I met, and we hit it off. Nothing too outrageous.”

“Is it serious?” Again, another question from Nick.

Louis sighed in annoyance, and Rose quickly picked up on her son’s discomfort on the subject of Tommy. “Let’s see if they have dessert,” Rose changed the subject and tried to wave over their waitress.

“Have you met him, Louis?” asked Nick turning towards his son.

Rolling her eyes, Rose interceded, “No, he has not met Tommy.”

“And I don’t want to,” Louis mumbled under his breath.

“Hey, here is an idea, how we don’t talk about Tommy, okay,” ordered Rose, and both guys agreed.

After sharing a tiramisu, Rose had enough and was ready to get back home. Nick offered to pay, and Rose didn’t fight him on it. She figured it was his way of showing he had his own money and could provide a meal for them. With their leftovers boxed up, Rose led the way back to Nick’s car. 

“Louis, did you still want to go to the Apple store?” Rose asked him. 

“Can we? I thought you wanted to get back home.”

“I do, but we can get the leftovers in the fridge, and I can take you,” replied Rose. Truthfully, she did not want to go. She had enough excitement for one day.

Suddenly, Nick piped in, “I can take him if you feel like staying home.”

Rose turned around to look at Louis, “Is that okay with you?”

“That’s fine,” answered Louis, happily. He was excited to get to spend some alone time with his dad.

Nick parked in front of the house. Rose and Louis and got out of the car. He handed the pizza boxes to Rose and got in the front seat. “I’ll see you late, sweetie. By Nick. Take care.”

“Bye, Rosie. Talk to you later.”

Rose waved them off and walked towards the house. She breathed a sigh of relief upon entry. She went upstairs to undress and put on a pair of comfortable sweats and sweater. All Rose wanted to do was relax. 

Looking at the clock, it was only 3:30 PM. Lunch with Nick felt like it went on longer. As Rose was about to settle herself on the couch to watch television, the doorbell rang. “Now, who the Hell is that?” 

“Fucking ‘ell, people. It’s Easter Sunday, for God’s sake.” She walked to the front door and opened it to find none other than Tommy Shelby. 

“Tommy, what are you doing here?” inquired Rose, totally not expecting it to be him. 

Clearing his throat, Tommy shuffled on his feet. He looked down, then up at Rose. “I…I needed to get out and away. It was all too much.” 

Rose was confused by what Tommy was telling her. She motioned for Tommy to come inside, and he obliged. “What do you mean it was all too much? Are you okay?”

Guiding Tommy to the couch, Rose sat down next to him. She was concerned since she had never seen Tommy like this before. It was as if he was lost.

Tommy sighed, “I was at my sister’s house. Everyone was there, my brothers, their wives and kids, Aunt Polly and her husband, his kids. Everyone had someone but me. I was alone. Charlie was there, of course, but it if feels like the bond we once had is dwindling. He doesn’t need me. I watched him play with his cousins and interact with his aunts and uncles and realized that my son is better off without me.”

Rose was shocked at Tommy’s words. She scooted closer to him and placed a supported hand on his knee. “Tommy, no. That is not true. Of course, your son needs you. You are his father. You’re his family.”

“He has other family members who can give him the love and attention he deserves. Maybe I should have listened to Grace’s parents and had Charlie live with them.”

“No. Tommy, listen to me,” Rose began and made Tommy look at her. “Charlie is your son. You love him. You told me that you love him. He is a part of you and Grace. If you give Charlie up, you will regret it. Then you truly will lose him.”

“It would be better for him….”

“No, it would not. It would only scar that child for the rest of his life. He will feel that you abandoned him,” Rose stated firmly. “You’re not thinking clearly. It’s a holiday. We all get weird when we are forced to hang around family members. Just stay here for a while and relax.”

Rose found that her hand moved from Tommy’s knee to his hand sitting back on the couch. He was holding on tight as if he was afraid Rose would disappear. She used her other hand to cover his. Rose wanted Tommy to know that she was not going anywhere. Taking in Tommy’s appearance, he was dressed in blue jeans, a black sweater, and black boots. It was the most casual look Rose had ever seen Tommy. She was always used to seeing him in suits. It was a nice change. However, the look on his face was one of sadness and defeat. 

“Tell me what you need, Tommy?” Rose asked. She pulled Tommy closer to her and wrapped an arm around him. “Tell me how I can make it better,” she crooned in his ear and ran her fingers through his hair. 

What did Tommy want? He was unsure. A part of Tommy didn’t want to feel always in control. That he could let go and be in the moment. That’s what he wanted; he wanted to be in the moment with Rose. Just the two of them, sitting together. “I just want to sit here, with you, Rose. That’s all I want right now. I don’t want to think about anything.”

Kissing the top of Tommy’s head, Rose leaned her head on his. “Okay, we can do that, Tommy. I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

[blackmissfrizzle]

Once Upon A Time

Summary: The reader has a cleaning tradition that she’s embarrassed for the boys to find out about.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x black!reader

Warnings: Violence and mention of smut

A/N: 2 Dean fics in one week? Who do I think I am???

Ever since you were a child obsessed with fairy tales. Not the Grimm brother versions, but Disney’s family-friendly versions. You had your mother to thank for that. She painted her love story with your father as her own fairy tale.

Your mom came from a family of evil witches, but she didn’t share the same values and wanted to help people instead of harm them. As she told it, she didn’t see a way out until she met her own knight in shining armor, your father. He was a hunter and fell in love with your mom while he hunted her family. She helped him defeat them and they ran off to live their own version of happily ever after.

They both hunted until your mom became pregnant with you, their little princess. Even though, they retired from the hunter lifestyle they taught you all about hunting; they always knew there was a possibility for their past to haunt them. While your dad stuck to teaching you about hunting in particular, your mother taught you the art of witchcraft. “There’s a beauty in magic.” She always said.

Unfortunately, your parents happily ever after didn’t last forever. They were right to worry about their past coming back to haunt them. You came back from a sleepover excited to dress up in your princess ‘rags’, sing Disney songs, and clean up the house with your mom. Instead you found their mauled bodies. The remaining werewolves from a pack they killed came back with a revenge. They even tried to kill you when you discovered the bodies, but due to your extensive training you killed them before they got the chance.

Years later you found yourself and your familiar, Aladdin, hunting and living with the Winchesters. To keep the memory alive of your parents, you kept up your mom’s cleaning tradition. Only thing was you always waited for Sam and Dean to go hunting on their own. You may be a little extra with this tradition, so extra Aladdin refused to participate. Sometimes you’ll cast a spell on some birds and sing with them as if you were Cinderella or Snow White. So, if the boys ever caught you, you would never hear the end of it and be deeply embarrassed.

Currently, you were singing your heart out to Part of Your World and washing the dishes when you heard the clearing of someone’s throat. Turning around you saw a set of hazel and emerald eyes filled with mirth and a pair of poorly hidden smirks. “I thought you two wouldn’t be back til tomorrow?” You asked, fidgeting with the hem of your dress and then remembering the bandana a la Cinderella you had on and quickly removing it.

Barely containing his laughter Sam answered you. “You know Dean. Speed limit laws don’t apply to him.” Just as Dean was about to say something, his eyes went wide and zoomed on your shoulder. Raising a hand, he pointed in your direction, “Is that a crab on your shoulder?”

Looking down in fact you saw an annoyed crab glaring at you. In the midst of getting caught, you forgot you turned a reluctant Aladdin into a crab for your Little Mermaid set. “Oops, I’m sorry, Al.” With a wave of your hand you returned your familiar back into his canine form. “Looks like the mutt wasn’t happy being turned into seafood,” Dean muttered as Aladdin stalked off. Your familiar had excellent hearing and growled at the eldest Winchester before returning back to your room.

“Your highness,” Dean bowed before you. Snatching the towel from the sink you balled it up and threw it at Dean’s head.

He caught it instead of letting it hit his face. “Hey, that’s not princess-like,” he reprimanded you. Just to tease him some more you gave Dean the middle finger and he clutched his imaginary pearls.

“What’s up with the Disney routine anyway?” Sam asked, trying to stop you two before y’all got too childish. While you explained the backstory of your cleaning tradition, Sam stood back and mentally shook his head at Dean, who looked at you like a doofus. Sam tried multiple times to get his big brother to admit his feelings for you, but he refused.

Done with your story, you noticed Dean looking at you with that funny face you sometimes catch him with when he thinks you’re not paying attention. “What’s with that stupid look,” you asked him.

Caught off guard, Dean had to quickly come up with an excuse. “Um, I’m just confused about how someone so badass is still obsessed with princesses who always need saving.”

“First of all, me being a badass and loving princesses are not mutually exclusive. Second of all, you must be talking about them older white princesses, because my girls with color didn’t come to play. Tiana, a true boss bitch, Mulan saved a whole country, Pocahontas looked out for her people, and Moana got a whole god together. And third of all, I don’t know why you’re trashing them when you have so much in common with them.”

Dean crossed his arms in disbelief. “Please explain to me how me and a Disney princess are alike.” Chuckling to yourself, you proceeded to explain to Dean. “On the somber note, you have the requirement of at least one dead parent growing up. Sam’s your sidekick, Castiel’s your fairy godmother, Rowena is sorta the wicked witch, just depending on the day, and I’m your knight in shining armor.” Dean couldn’t believe his ears and was about to counter your claim when you interrupted him. “Oh, and you have Rapunzel’s eyes.”

Pointing between him and Sam, Dean responded. “Listen, we don’t need saving that often.” Without saying a word, you cocked and eyebrow and a hip, silently challenging Dean’s claim.

“Ok, you win. I’m a stupid princess, but I’m gonna be Snow White!”

Looking to Sam he had his bitch face while you were confused. He must’ve known why he choose Snow White. You looked to him to ask why and he mouthed ‘You wouldn’t want to know.’ Going against his advisement, you asked Dean why he choose her.

“Because the version I watched, the wicked stepmother was wicked.” His smile suggested it wasn’t the G-rated version you’ve seen before.

With a sway of your hips you walked up to Dean and stared up at him devilishly. “Well, you gotta show me that version. I need to spice up my porn playlist.” Instantly, Dean’s face turned red and Sam off to the side muttered, “You two are perfect for each other.”

You walked off to your room, beginning to sing Kiss the Girl, while leaving the boys in the kitchen dumbfounded. Halfway to your room, you remembered your surprise for Dean. Sticking your head in the kitchen doorway, “Oh, there’s pecan, sweet potato, and apple pie in the oven.” Both boys stared at each other and ran to the oven to get to the treat. Even Sam couldn’t resist your baking.

--

Back in your room, you found Aladdin in his human form laying in your bed and watching tv. He rolled his eyes as he listened to you sing another Disney song. It wasn’t your voice that he was annoyed by, because you had the voice of an angel, but it was who the song was directed to. Al didn’t understand your attraction to Dean, but he supported you, nonetheless.

“Jordan text you. She needs help with a coven of witches in New Orleans. And she said leave the Winchesters at home if you come,” Al informed you in the middle of your song.

“That would’ve been nice to know earlier. Why didn’t you come get me?”

“I was giving you some time with your precious Winchester.”

Deciding not to address that statement you asked Aladdin if he wanted to go with.  “Nope. I got a crazy ass ex down there and I’m having a Smart Guy marathon.”

“Hey! You were supposed to wait for me.” You pouted.

“That was before you turned me into a crustacean.” Knowing that it was fair, you told him bye and went on to tell the boys you were leaving.

“You sure you don’t want us to come?” Sam asked clearly concerned. They didn’t know your friend and were overprotective of you hunting without them. Standing on your toes, you gave each boy a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be fine boys, promise.”

Just as you opened your car door, Dean tugged on your wrist. “Be safe and call us if anything’s fishy.”

Snatching your hand back, you laughed at your friend. “Ok, mom.” Crowding your space, Dean looked at you hungrily. “I preferred to be called daddy.” Cheeks heating up quickly, you turned around and rushed into your car, waving bye to the boys while you heard Dean’s deep chuckle as you drove away.

--

It was setup. Jordan wasn’t just your friend, but your cousin from your mom’s side of your family. The little traitor knew who you were when you ran into her in Atlanta when you were working a job. She continued to earn your trust until she could find the right moment to kidnap you.

Turns out your mom and dad didn’t get rid of the whole family and your grandma somehow survived. The old woman had been plotting against you, since Jordan told her of your existence.

Struggling against the cuffs, you were looking for an escape. “Its useless, my dear. Those cuffs are spelled to imprison supernatural beings.”

Great, the one time being a witch was a bad thing. “Well, can you just kill me now?”

Your grandma turned away from the potion she was concocting and caressed your face. Her amber eyes that reminded you of your mother’s softened. “Don’t be silly, girl. You’re family, even if that didn’t mean anything to your momma. Our coven is growing weak, but you’re the strongest witch ever in our bloodline. With you joining us and the Book of the Damned we’ll return to our former glory.”

All this trouble for that damn book. Even though it saved Dean, that book has been causing so much trouble ever since it came into you and the boys’ possession. “So, this is why you want me. For the Book of the Damned. Well, newsflash no matter what you do to me the boys won’t give it up.”

Stepping away from her potion once more, she knelt down in front of you. “It’s a shame, really. All your power gone to waste. When Jordan informed me of your existence, I thought I would just kill you, but then you got involved with those Winchesters and we were still too weak to deal with them and you. But then I heard Rowena took you under her wing and I felt hope again. I thought Rowena would surely teach you the dark arts, but once again I was wrong. Those damn Winchesters sure do know how to suck out all the fun.”

“If you know I’m so good, then it’s a waste to try to get me to join the coven.” Levitating the mortar, she used to make the potion, your grandma had it in her hands. “Chile, I know I can’t make you do things on your own free will. That’s why I got this little potion for my spell. It’ll make you more malleable to my will. Now open up, girl.”

Refusing to be anyone’s puppet you shut your mouth close. Your grandma was frustrated with your antics and didn’t have any time to play with you. The cuffs dampened your own magic, which allowed your grandma to use hers and get your mouth open. The vile taste of the potion slithered its way down your throat and you knew when you woke up you would be a different person. Hopefully, Sam and Dean would be able to fix you.

--

Once you returned to the bunker, the boys instantly knew something was off about despite you saying nothing went wrong with the hunt. “Man, something’s up with Y/N.” Dean whispered to Sam while you were in the library.

“I know. Something had to have gone with that hunt.” Their whispers died down when they heard you walking towards them.

Holding the Book of the Damned, you made a beeline to the stairs, but Sam stopped you. “Y/N/N, what are you doing with the Book of the Damned?”

Annoyed but also prepared for this moment you threw the boys against the wall. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

With a flick of your wrist the door opened up, letting in your grandma and Jordan.

“What a cute little place! We’ll have to set up base here, Y/N. That’s after we kill the Winchesters of course,” your grandmother informed you while inspecting the bunker.

“Yes, grandmother. Would you like me to dispose of them now?”

The elder Winchester scrunched up his face in anger. “Grandma??? Y/N/N this isn’t you. Break out of it!” He pleaded with you, but his words had no effect on you.

“You evil bitch! What did you do to Y/N?” Dean asked your grandma.

She stood in front of Dean and traced a finger across his face. “Hmmm, I can see why my granddaughter is in love with you. Such masculine features, so handsome that you’re almost pretty. And the passion that radiates off of you, hmph, you must be an excellent lover.”

Dean turned his head away to escape her touch. “Get your filthy hands off my brother! And what did you do to our friend,” Sam reminded her of the more pressing issue.

“Oh, I just made her more pliable to my will. The girl is headstrong like her mother. Too bad I didn’t discover the potion I used on Y/N when I had those wolves kill her mother.” Your grandmother revealed which stirred a little something in you, but you must complete the mission for her. “Y/N, be a dear and kill these oafs. We have important work to do,” she ordered you.

Imagining liquefying their insides, the hunters started to cough up their blood, but as you saw them struggling you started to feel bad. Something didn’t feel right, but you had to press on.

“Y/N, you’re in there I know it. I know you heard her. That wicked bitch killed your parents! Come out and fight, damn it!” Dean was screaming at you, it seemed that the emotional torture was more painful than the physical torture you were dishing out.

Seeing that Dean wasn’t getting through to you, Sam joined in at trying to break through to you.  With each passing second, they were chipping away through your grandmother’s defenses. It worked well enough for your hold to weaken and the boys fell to the ground. The boys easily incapacitated Jordan, leaving your grandma with no backup.

“Y/N, what are you doing? Kill them!” Your grandmother ordered, terrified of what a free Sam and Dean Winchester could do.

You paid her no mind and pinned her to a wall instead. Dean approached you carefully, as if you were a scared animal backed into a corner. “Sweetheart, I know you’re in there.”

Your eyes darted between your grandmother and the Winchester. You didn’t know who to believe with both of them talking to you simultaneously.

Sensing he was losing you, Dean got desperate. “God, I hope this works,” you heard him murmured before he grabbed your face and mashed his lips to yours. At first, your lips you were stiff, resistant to the kiss, but soon it started feeling right, like home, like your lips and his were meant for each other. Your hands snaked up to the back of his head and you pulled Dean closer.

The screaming of your grandma alerted you and made you and Dean break the kiss. Caressing your face, Dean whispered against your lips, “You back?” He asked, his hopeful searching yours.

“Yeah,” you whispered back blinking through tears.

“I should’ve known. You’re weak, just like your mother!” Your grandma somehow pulled herself halfway off the wall, but you pushed her back.

Taking out your gun from the back of your jeans, you pointed it at an unconscious Jordan and shot it right in the center of her forehead, feeling no emotions for so-called friend.

Next, your sights turned onto your grandma. “What?! You can’t grant me the decency of killing me like a witch? You’re gonna kill me like some filthy hunter?” She screamed with her grey locs falling in her face, spit foaming at the mouth, truly looking like a wild woman.

Raising your gun, you only said a few words to her before granting her the same death as your cousin. “Its more than you granted my parents.”

For awhile you stood above your dead grandmother’s body, grieving the life you could’ve have. Standing there reflecting on her need for power it finally hit you, she was the cause of your parents’ deaths. The emotions overtook you and you cried until Dean carried you away and let him fall asleep in his arms.

Waking up hours later you found Dean gone, but the smell of his famous burgers told you exactly where he was. Making your way to the kitchen, you were granted to the scene of Dean cooking, singing along to an old rock song, swinging his hips.

“Wow, you’ve been holding out on me. Who knew you had such killer dance moves?” Placing your hand over your heart, you acted as if you were offended at this great tragedy.

Rolling his eyes at you, Dean lowered his music and started to make you a plate. “I can do that.” You attempted to grab the plate, but Dean moved it out of your reach.

“I got it. Go sit down, pretty girl,” Dean ordered you before he leaned down and gave you a kiss. You guessed that the kiss from earlier wasn’t a one-off and discreetly smiled to yourself, wondering what this means for you and Dean.

Taking your seat, Sam entered the kitchen and began making a plate of his own. “Hey, Y/N, how you feeling?”

“Mmmm, better now. It still hurts, but I know that my mom wouldn’t want me to dwell on it too long. She lived the life that she wanted, even if it was cut short.”

“Between Samuel and your grandma, we had some crazy ass grandparents,” Dean referenced to his grandfather that would’ve let them die in exchange to have Mary back. Little did he know if he could’ve waited a couple of more years, he would’ve had her back.

Setting down his plate and yours, the three of you began eating dinner. Talk varied from when y’all would take the next case, when you should visit Jody and the girls again, when would Cas and Jack get back, and even a little argument about how turkey burgers taste the same as regular burgers.

At that moment you were trying to convince Dean to watch The Little Mermaid with you, but he refused, saying he was too grown to be watching fairy tales. Deciding that he wasn’t too grown, Sam poked fun at Dean. “So, Dean, how did you know how to break the spell put on Y/N?” Sam knew the answer, Dean confided it in him earlier, but he wanted Dean to say it in front of Y/N.  

Looking at his baby brother as if he could strangle him, Dean dropped his burger. “Lucky guess.” He grunted before picking it back up and biting into it.

Your eyes switched back and forth between the brothers. Obviously, Dean was holding something back by the way he was giving Sam bitch face.

“That’s not what you said earlier,” Sam retorted, hiding his smirk by taking a bite of his own burger.

“Oh, Dean, c’mon tell me.” You pleaded, giving him your best puppy dog eyes that he couldn’t resist.

“Truelove’skiss.” He mumbled quickly.

Hiding a giggle, you asked him to repeat himself, “Excuse me, what was that?” You knew exactly what he said, you just wanted him to be louder.

“True love’s kiss, ok! Now can we drop it?” He snapped, embarrassed he knew this little fact and that he was basically announcing his feelings to you this way.

Abandoning your seat, you jumped into Dean’s lap and kissed him all around his face. Sam silently left to give you two privacy and also, he didn’t want to see anything if you two decided to get explicit.

“I love you, Dean Winchester,” you whispered into his ear.

Dean’s eyes lit up as if you told him he had an unlimited amount of pie. He knew that for a true love’s kiss to work, both parties had to love each other, but hearing you say it confirmed it for him. “I love you, too.”

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you snuggled into Dean deeper. “So, does this mean you’ll watch The Little Mermaid with me?”

“I guess,” Dean accepted defeat as you squealed in his lap. “But only if you sing along. I can’t get enough of that voice of yours.”

“Of course, my knight in shining armor.” Dean put an arm behind your back and the other under your knees to carry you bridal style to his cave.

“And at the end of the night can I kiss the girl?” Dean asked with a mischievous grin on his face, glad that he made at least one reference.

Making your voice a bit softer to sound like a princess, you replied, “Oh my dear sir, you can do whatever you like to the princess. She’s forever in your gratitude.”

“Well, princess, be prepared not to finish that movie, because I got other things in mind.”

Soon, Ariel and her pals became a distant memory with the opportunity of a better time spent with Dean. “If that’s the case, then how about you show me how wicked that stepmother was in Snow White?” You offered, suggestively raising your perfectly arched eyebrows.

With that suggestion, Dean changed his course and headed for his bedroom. “Anything for the lady.” Passing a conversating Sam and Al in the hallway, you conjured up earplugs in their hands. Of course, you could’ve soundproofed the room, but you wanted to gross them out instead.

“Dudes, disgusting!” Sam groaned, but you could barely hear him over yours and Deans’ laughs. This is what happily ever looked like and you wouldn’t trade it for a thing in the world.

Tags: @titty-teetee​ @nervouspetsonanime​ @thefaithfulwriter​ @nerd-lovely​

[the-lavender-creator]

~Some weird shit that happened around me~

(if it has a lil 🌟 then I was actually involved somehow)

My first ex gf was (according to her) arrested

My stepbrother attempted arson

My brother's friend set a fire inside our school

My second ex bf was involved in 2 fights in the same week

My first ex bf ended up on the school rooftop and ppl thought he was gonna do the thing my first ex gf was supposedly arrested for (🌟)

My friend (the one who texted me a few days ago) had zir ears pierced in the school bathroom by his then gf, who was also the girl who made me realize I'm not straight (🌟)

Said girl who made me realize I'm not straight stopped identifying as pan and switched to bi because she doesn't like enbies which is wrong on m a n y levels

A book I meticulously highlighted and drew in was destroyed by a dog... After I lent that book to that same girl (🌟)

The whole thing that happened on Thursday at Food Lion

I have an uncle who lives in alabama, and his son and stepdaughter are married and they have a child

I'm pretty sure my aunt Karen tried to kill my uncle's first wife-?

My uncle's legs were cut off and reattached (🌟)

My cousin gave me a 4 foot tall doll that, according to a pretty witch friend of mine, is haunted and/or cursed

There was a week at my old school where 13 fights took place

My second ex bf was in a fight that consisted of him, a very homophobic guy he had a crush on, and a random girl (🌟)

My first ex bf almost smuggled vodka into school (🌟)

My first ex bf came to school high

I slapped a boy in the face with a copy of IT by Stephen King. The teacher pretended she didn't see anything (🌟)

My stepbrother snapped a school tablet in half on camera and to this day says he didn't

My aunt asked me for parenting advice in regards to my older cousin (🌟)

My mother took everything out of my room for a week because I kept back talking and that was a punishment my aunt used on said older cousin after she tried to push her father (the uncle who had his legs cut off and reattached) down the stairs (🌟)

My brother threw an axe at my head in front of both of my grandparents and they laughed it off (🌟)

My grandparents got me grounded after they caught my brother threatening me with a crowbar he found (🌟)

My cousin's wife(?) may or may not have tried to poison him

And a bunch of other shit but that's just off the top of my head :P

[lady-plantagenet]

A Bygone Era - Chapter 8

A fictional account written by me of Lady Isabel Neville’s life told through the points of view of her and those who knew her. Based on history, as opposed to the series!

Points of views so far include: Anne Beauchamp Countess of Warwick, Lady Anne Neville, George Duke of Clarence, Lady Isabel Neville, Richard Neville Earl of Warwick and Cecily Neville, Dowager Duchess of York (in that order)

[Text]:

22nd November 1469

Just as court was about to break and the waning light cowered at the cold snap outside, then entered her goddaughter in hand with her son. When the gentler lady Anne smiled all defects were said to be erased, Isabel did rarely. Each knew their strengths. This sext came and yet it was both she and her son who bore grins that flashed sharply as the clashes in their damasked cloths. Terre verte were the doublet and gown like the livery of Clarence. A fitting colour for the son that ne'er looked to his elder brother for idolation nor any forebearer of theirs. Only his saintly namesake or Gawain, tester of knights would do. Did not St Denis too, like the green knight, carry his severed head in the nook of his arm, where flowers grew beneath his feet whence he thread?

For a surety, her goddaughter appeared to think they did for her, as she long-limbed (her father's daughter indeed) gaited in large strides to match with her son. But St Denis is too French. Perchance she fancies herself Olwen from Mabinogion instead. More Briton, more Arthurian. Isabel did not roll her hips sensuously like ladies loosely did in Edward's presence, but paced with proud finesse. The Bull of Clarence was pinned centerer on George's brocaded crosses and vines than it lay in Isabel's matching brooch. Cecily's eyes caught it with the Neville Red on George's hose and the image of a target instinctively swam up before her.

She drew away, twisting her fingers on one hand while shielding it from impropriety beneath the other. My boy, sometimes I do believe you do not live in the same world as we. Where all men I know yearn to survive, you act as if that were not the fundament to living. George knelt with Isabel in unison, where a week ago he did the same with his new father of Warwick. The Bears, staffs and bulls in her hem crumpled in an indecipherable mound of colours against the Plantagenet and Neville arms emblazoned on her skirt.

After an inclination of Cecily's head towards her son, the king's brown eyes seeking her own across the room to be directed, he gathered both the Clarences in his arms. He rubbed the Duchess' small back upsetting the dense Arctic fox fur at her linings, making her wince as George let out a couch as a large hand slapped him on the back in bonhomie. 'Most gracious lady, be welcome at our court as our beloved sister of York', he glanced down at the curvature she made no effort in concealing, he said ever more quietly and coaxingly 'I see felicitations are in order, madame. Is it a niece or a nephew you are to give me?'

'I pray that when it may be born, it posses the sex your grace desire' replied Isabel politely, Cecily would have guffawed at that, if she were elsewhere and knew how. Edward, the son with a natural talent at the baleful word for the kin, where others see only an over-familiarity of manner. Chided him often and decisively Cecily did: 'do not refill the goblet of the man you call for audience more oft than thrice unless he ask', 'use a commissioner when collecting benevolences from merchants, do not write nor go yourself as if an equal', 'prithee tell me you did not marry Lady Grey'. All but the latter, to which he responded with taciturnity were accepted with a free smile and forgotten by him as quickly as they were said.

'And If what I desire is for a companion to the princesses Elizabeth, Mary and Cecily?' Cecily could see the eyes suddenly let out in that fine long face, stunned, Isabel took a step back and said flatly: 'then it be by god that your will shall be delivered, if it were up to us mothers to make that selection, in what different passes we would find ourselves in-'. The more brazen of courtiers shot a look at the much changed queen and how she clenched her fists about the throne's arms. She has become George's wife. It now matter not whether In the carrying tides of that remark, what were betokened were the same as that which were meant. The difference, if existing would affect the content of the waters, but it will not change its force. Christ have mercy on them. Wherefore she garbed herself thus?- Cecily raised her head to look at her again: her henin where rubies and emeralds whirled about its cream base and the gauze mounted on wires soared above even the queen's, where the black velvety fall broached with ex honore de clare fell as richly as any crown. Needed the court reminding of the lack of male heir? Reminding of the Clarences' power? Cecily noted John of Norfolk's interest piqued by the shifting in the room, the prolictivity in his blue eyes libidinous. Nothing can be out of the question now, not now with this cousin of Clarence who was ever more willing to help his ilk, whatever it took for him to be king.

'Today is my saint's day' thought Cecily quietly to herself, remarking how it had gone thoroughly unnoticed. She decided that after supper with George, when her will should temper his nerves like water for a heated sword fresh from the forge, they could honour St Cecilia's musical gift with a reprise of the melodies of old. When all attendants would be dismissed, she hoped he would accompany her cittern on his recorder as they once used to. It had soothed her so some ten years ago.

It was moons later that Cecily again spoke to that son in private, the ground was still hoary with what promised to be a laboriously long winter. Even the Scarlett tiles of the turrets of Baynard Castle's were steeped in true frost, darkened to a murky brown admist the wet whirling hoare outside. she felt George's hands grow clammy and was reminded of how he still hated the cold as when he was a child.

'Mome, why are you all of a sudden fussing over my hair?' he asked as she moved on to straightening a golden thread that lay askew from his cloak lining. He was the only one of her sons she did not chastise for not addressing her 'lady mother', unobservant to this hierarchy, like all that he did not agree with, then as now he was the least pliable of all her children. An honest rapport had nevertheless established itself between them, and she was never gladder of it than today.

'I have asked Edward to luncheon with us. Him only' she said sitting him beside her 'I would that you tell him what you told me. It is high time you behave as the brothers the creator made you' she could see him turning away and crossing his arms, she half-expected, a pout when she guided him back to face her. He only stared at her turbulently with his large eyes, she could detect faint worry in his voice when he said 'Have you yet not accepted my apologies, when shall my penance end, mome? I now know it was a slander but I have said my forgivenesses and you have accepted them until I saw you go blue in the face!'

'Jesus wept, I am not punishing you George! As for talk of my infidelity, I am beggining to see my troublesome nephew in all this more than you. It makes no matter now, it is god's judgement that concerns me and Parliament's judgement for the better, did not believe it, as we have all clearly seen' she said tersely enough for it to warn, but now fearing she was causing him upset. 'Let this be a lesson on the nature of the spoken word and how it hangs forever, young or old as you were when you said it'. She now looked at him expectantly.

'The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool' recited George 'Proverbs 10:18, but truly you understand-' They were interrupted by the thump of Edward's steps quickly approaching. She shot him a look she hoped he could read as affirmative.

'Brother' they offered each other through gritted teeth

They took their places on the chaises Cecily laid out facing each other, she herself was seated across them, in her front and between them the fire gurgled and spat, its amber sinews flailing desperately in heating the solar.

Edward, resting his flushed face over his fists looked intently at George with the intelligent brown eyes of their mother 'I did not think to find you here George, you have been amiss of late. Our cousin is already departed to Middleham'

Instinctively George rolled back, burying himself into the satined cushions 'I had been making preparations to return to Tutbury, I think the time fit for my lady wife to accustom herself with the runnings of my estates, when she leaves her confinement of course'

'Ha yes, the Lady Isabel, our lady mother tells me that she made an impression on Margaret. An intelligent creature she says...' Edward was trailing off. Cecily shuffled her heavy jet skirts. You have never read me quite well, but for the love of god do not speak of the marriage fine to George. She coughed and George eyed her with the suspicious attentiveness as he was wont to do. '...I'll leave to our sister, the judgement of characters, but I do not think Lady Isabel likes me much. Extend her my apologies if I have offended her in any way'

'If you are referring to your banter at Warwick Castle the summer past. Do not worry brother, she is not wroth at you, but her person is of an easily vexed nature' George lied courteously and after a moment's pause returned hopefully with, 'But brother, I should like to go to Ireland thereafter when the sea is tame'

'To Ireland George?' asked a puzzled Edward. A little smile visited Cecily when she said 'Yes Edward, George told me at length of his desire to take up his lieutenant duty in truth. Oh but how the Irish shall be reminded of your father (god rest his soul) when a son of York returns among them' The Irish Child we would jokingly call him when he was an over-enthused bairn, terrorising his nurse Joan and taking off with his horse whenever it suited him. Half-a-lifetime ago when his hair still held a runnish tinge and the land grew green with promise. 'One of us' she remembered the celts shouting as she held the swaddling brought to be christened in their churches. The great Earls of Desmond and Ormond, his godfathers, had loomed above the babe as ominous whispers of a 'son of ireland' echoed in every hollow of that Dublin Dominican Priory, around them and in her and the smiling Duke of York, king to be. 'In any case, should Worcester truly be the one granted this charge, him the butcher of England? George has grown Edward'

'George-' he started slowly as if the aforementioned were not among them 'Has still much to learn, lady mother. Do not think I give him no credit, indeed may I offer some by candidly proffering how I do see much of myself in him when I was at his youth? But, Desmond's death left too large a vacuus and I believe it a task beyond anyone but the most seasoned of men. One no charm, no matter how radiant be George's can placate'. It disdained and impressed her to see him then lay expectant of an ensuing outburst from his younger brother, brilliant eyes in a purple-capped brunette head, which now lolled at rest onto his upturned wrist.

The rebuttal: 'The exactions were most unwise. Come now brother, would you suppress their rights to their names and fishing rights and not expect opposition from below? This is the making of martyrs'. Though obvious, this remarks had lain undetected for unimplicating the Queen's name. Edward was growing weary against the acclamaitions still held by many of how it was his Elizabeth that procured the execution of Clarence's god-brother, the beloved and iconic Desmond. They many and small fell upon like flurries of snow on his patience, which like a bowed branch, would snap the mound in halves if tested again.

This was not to be the day, for Cecily made certain that her younger son had shed the urge to push his conspiracies, in having made herself the sole and patient recipient to them all already. She had asked him how much of this he told to Warwick's daughter, 'for she seems ever a doting daughter to her sire' she had cautioned him last they met. 'Mome, when you Neville married Plantagenet, did your allegiance not lie with the latter? Why would it be different with the Lady Belle?'. He is warry still of my having tried to dissuade him at Sandwich before he sailed to his wedding. I pray my goddaughter was not made to believe I did not want her for a daughter by marriage. Two women more different have never been. But by Jove, the ripples of that marriage are every bit as malignant as the ones set by Jacquetta's girl.

'I was not happy with those reforms, perhaps it is Ulster and our De Burgh blood that makes me too carry some love for the Gaels. Nevertheless George..' he said with lazy confidence 'You remain green. Youth is a delicate flower, and when touched stunted, wholly confined as a thing forgone to what we call childhood. I confess I was never one to relish the haggardly responsibility of rulership, my birthright sat on me the crowns and sceptres of kingship not any desire of my own. Richard and you, you both ever so call for this burden, now the former is a boy no longer. As for you, withdrawn these years past, must count your spirit spared' his warm eyes squinted at George's for a semblance of understanding, where it was apparent broiled only restlessness. Cecily could see him too glance at her before he spoke 'Or perhaps, I mark you wrong. Come then brother, if you are determined to harden like Richard I promise to involve you in matters of state, a chamberlaincy perhaps'

Cecily noted how George looked noticeably crestfallen, a sullen face amidst the gold embroidery about his cloaks, caps and tresses. 'Some advice too perhaps' she heard Edward then say 'I would not have handled that affair with Caister Castle and Norfolk as you did when I was under your custody. It was so apparent that the siege was naught but a desperate attempt of Mowbray to save himself from his frayed finances'

'Not honourable?, I had written back to Margaret Paston, and to Norfolk ordering that their retainers are to leave Caister unmolested' protested George 'We owe our kinsmen repayement for their loyalties'

'Daubenay, their loyal servant was still slain. Your good intentions notwithstanding' The jittering of the oriel windows grew into an incessant rattle as icy winds ran with the tension raising into the room, from the shadowed corner where she previously believed them she banished them.

'Enough you two' she wanted to snap, but instead said calmly, reaching for their hands as if in a congregation 'It is both a mother's blessing and curse to be endowed with such intelligent boys' she turned to each when addressing them 'Edward, no son of York, less your father, could possibly resign himself to a mere ornament. You are surely now satisfied that George is possessed of some talents. Perchance if they were directed for good, it would benefit the realm, think you not hmm? George, the opportunity has come for you to show yourself a man for peace, for some it is the harder task, it is nevertheless the more important mark of kingship. If you find my utterance of this truism insulting to your intelligence, then make sure my nephew of Warwick also understands this'

Her pout, that age made lovelier into a semblance of a rose, formed into 'that secret motherly smile' (as her sons liked to call it), it was such a rare sight that the boys' free hands reached across to each other's arms in a show of conciliation. George was the first 'Peace, lady mother, it would sadden me to see your efforts unhonoured. Pardie brother'

'See your apology as accepted. I also beg your forgiveness for any trespasses I may have made against you' Edward followed with his famed magnanimousity.

'Say, I hear the rings for Compline. How about we go yonder to St Paul's to pray for your success against the Lincolnshire rebels. An offering, if you will, dear brother' said George saccharinely. Edward nodded amiably and uplifted by his brother's equally famed winning smile accepted his hand. The hands reunited after they drew their fur-trimmed cloaks tighter about them in preparation for a combatting wind.

Not insulted, but pleased Cecily was, that they did not extend the invitation to her. I shall leave them to each other to do the rest, my work is done. She was once more served a cruel reminder of her own foregone youth when she bent with some difficulty for her book of hours. As her shrinking figure paced underneath the countless inverted vaults to her chapel she recalled a conversation she had long buried with her husband regarding the complexities of conflict and the unseen historical forces at play. ' This is not a tale of fate you loveable fool. It is one of a king's neglect for a cousin and brother who react like hurt children when they feel unloved' she thought, and would rephrase and repeat to herself in the coming weeks until it brought some comfort.

[yorit1]

New Beginnings

Prologue

When Chas was 14 going on 15 she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, named Aaron. His biological father was much older and wanted nothing to do with the baby. Her brother Cain, who had a baby girl the previous year with their cousin had a plan. Their parents were no good, one was an abusive drunk, the other kept abandoning them. He and Charity would gather them some money and they would go to Emmerdale village. That was where their uncle lived. Hopefully, they can build their lives and have a fresh start there. 

Aaron was a month old when they moved to Emmerdale. Cain who had just turned 18 was legally in charge of all of them with the help of uncle Zac, so that social would not take Chas, Charity, Aaron, and Debbie away. Cain gave Chas 5 grand to use for her and Aaron, with another 5 for the future. Cain used his money to buy into the garage. Charity conned a rich man so that she could get the three of them somewhere to live. 

Chas worked at the pub, she greatly impressed the pub landlady. When Aaron was 2 years old she let them move into the pub permanently. She was a nice elderly lady that did not have a family of her own. Chas began to take over more of the day to day responsibilities of running the pub. She also bought a share of the pub to ensure that she and her baby boy would always have a place to stay. Chas’s number one priority was always her son. When she was not working she was spending her time with him. She did date at times but most people wanted her for her body and not much else. 

When Aaron was 6 years old a nice vet moved to the town named Paddy. He loved Aaron and took him in as if he was his own. He got Aaron a dog named Clive that Aaron could look after. She liked that Paddy did not have an issue that she had a child and that he was more interested in her as a person. A platonic relationship formed between them. They did not date until Aaron was 10.

When Aaron was 6 Chas got a phone call from the police. Aaron’s horrible biological father had murdered his ex who was 8 months pregnant with a baby girl. She luckily was able to call the police before he shot her. The police shot and killed him on sight. She was still alive when the paramedics took her to hospital, but they couldn't save her. They did emergency surgery to get the baby out, and she was mostly fine. Social services found that her only living relative was Aaron. Gordon also had half a million pounds that would be divided equally between them. Charity took her in and raised her as if she was her own. Aaron picked the name Liv for her and that was what they called her. She would make sure that no one would ever harm her children. 

That same year Aaron also met his best friend Victoria. She was part of the Sugden family. Her family owned some land and a couple of the farms in the village. She had an older brother that would sometimes hang out with them. He was nine and Aaron thought he was cool. 

When Aaron was ten his parents got together properly and that made him happy. A new family moved into one of the farms. And he made new friends, Holly, Adam, and Hanna. Hanna told them that he was a boy and wanted to be called Matty. He loved spending time with them on the farm. Vic’s parents also got divorced and he saw her less. Robert was around even less and Aaron did not like that he wasn't around as much. He was the cool older brother like Holly was the cool older sister. Aaron also loved that he had his cousin that was a year older than him. He had a nice group of friends to play with and his dog. He also had the best mum who would do anything for him. His little baby sister was always trying to follow him around. 

When Aaron was twelve the pub landlady died and she left it all to his mum. This was good as she was pregnant. Aaron was excited to have another sibling. Vic now spent the school year with them and was in the village her mum lived in when there was no school. Robert did not come over at all, and his dad acted like he never existed. His mum gave birth to a baby that died the same day she was born. 

When Aaron was fourteen he was discovering his sexuality. He tried kissing Holly but it did nothing to him. He also thought guys were better looking than girls. Adam’s cousin came over and he kissed Aaron. While Aaron didn't like him he did like the feeling of kissing a guy. The only people he told about this were Vic and Adam. He would tell his mum and dad soon. His mum was pregnant again and Aaron wanted the baby to be healthy. Liv was also recently diagnosed with epilepsy, the doctors figured out what the damage that was caused when she was born was. He can tell them later it's not like he wants to date. When Aaron did tell them it was no big deal. They had Matty who was trans, and CHarity and Debbie were both bi. Aaron successfully finished his GCSEs, he loved working with his uncle in his garage so he decided he would go to 6 form and try to study automotive engineering at uni. 

When Sarah was 40 years old she started her life over. She was divorced and she found a new passion. She decided to enter the great British bake off and somehow out of nowhere she won the competition. She met a confectioner Rishi who she started a cakery/confectionary with. The village she lived in was in North Yorkshire and was not far from Emmerdale. She still saw her children all the time. A year later Robert came to her in the middle of the night. She fought him for sole custody of Robert and Vic was still living part-time. Had he laid a hand on him she would have taken both but he only kicked him out for his sexuality and that made it harder to get her full time. She had her most of the weeks and the summer. Because the school was close to where they lived she was still in the same school. She would spend time with them in Emmerdale her friends never came over to visit. Her beautiful son found a life long friend in Priya and knew that they would be best friends forever. They were able to help each other with their struggles and overcome them together. 

When Sara was 46 she moved back to Emmerdale VIllage with her son. Jack had died and Vic wanted to live where her friends were. Robert was in uni studying business. He only came home on weekends or when he needed something. He told her honestly that he had no bad memories of the village. Hopefully, the village will bring them good memories. 

Summer 2015

It was the summer before Aaron was due to start 6 form. His best friend Vic was moving back to the village full time. Her mum and older brother were moving back as well. Aaron remembered a little of Vic’s brother. Mostly that he had not come back to visit since they were 12. He was so excited to see her. It was nice to have all of his friends and family close together. 

When Aaron saw Vic he ran up to her and hugged her tightly. He saw Robert come up to them. He walked confidently toward them and held his hand out, he had a confident smirk on.

“I'm Robert, I don't know if you remember me. It is nice to be back here. Beautiful place.” Robert said in a confident and cocky tone. Aaron hated him. He was one of those people who knew how good looking he was and just acted smug. Aaron scowled at him. Robert lowered his hand and started rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Vic and he went to the pub to go see the others.

Aaron was sitting at the pub with Vic and their group of friends. When suddenly Robert walked in. Everyone looked at him and were interested in this Sugden boy who is back for the first time in four years. He also had a beautiful woman who he walked in with. A bunch of Debbie’s friends were interested in him. Wow, he has the whole village wrapped around his finger. He has a girlfriend and he is still going around and trying it on with everyone. Although Aaron didn't have that much bad luck with guys. He had his first boyfriend Jackson who helped him out when he first came out. The two of them realized that they were interested in different things and split up amicably. A few others have asked him out. There was Ed, a star rugby player, and Alex, a first-year med student. Aaron was happy that he had his options. Maybe he should text Ed so that they could go out tomorrow night. Aaron decides to go back to the conversation.

“Vic how's it being back here full time?” Adam asked.

“It's great being back. Although it looks like Holly, Debbie and their friends are all very into Robert. It's like he is new blood here, even though our family has been here for generations. But hey I want him to be happy here. Hopefully mum will be as well. And spending all my time with my fave person.” She said as she leaned her head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“Well good luck with Holly there, She is used to getting what she wants,” Adam said, mocking his sister.

Robert and the girl came by and sat with them. Robert said he wanted to get to know Vic’s friends. 

“Hi I’m Priya.” Robert’s friend introduced herself. She seemed really nice.

“Adam, some of our friends were over there.”

“I'm Ellis.”

Aaron stayed quiet and maintained the frown. Robert was smiling this friendly but confident smirk and he was not amused. 

“Aaron.” He finally said.

“Aaron all grown up. I remember when you and Vic used to get into trouble running around. Well it looks like you grew up well.” Robert said. Aaron was wondering what that meant. He could be more than that trouble maker. Aaron frowned in his direction, not at all impressed by Robert. 

Things were quiet for a few seconds, then Ellis and Adam started the conversation back up again. A few minutes later Sarah walked in and was talking to her children. Aaron thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to go to the toilets.

Aaron was washing his hands when Robert walked in.

“I ugh don't know what I did to offend you, I do want us to get on, be mates. You and my sister grew up together and are really close and I would like to get on.” Robert said. Aaron just shrugged him away. Robert lightly grabbed his hand so Aaron could face him. Aaron felt electricity go through him. “Just think about it okay.” Aaron just shrugged and ran away. Robert was straight and had a girlfriend and was his best friend's older brother, nothing could ever happen between them. 

Aaron was at Vic’s hanging out. He was going out with Ed later that night. He was not sure if he wanted a boyfriend now. He was only 16 and he already had one serious relationship. But Ed seemed nice, and he liked him, so Aaron was willing to go on a date with him. On his way to Vic’s room he passed by Robert’s room. He caught him only half-dressed, he was in the middle of putting his shirt on. Aaron quickly went to Vic’s room so that Robert would not catch him and think he was watching him. He will try and get along with him since he will be over a lot. 

The first movie they watch is Rocky. Vic knew it was his favourite and wanted to do something nice for him. While he was watching the movie he was thinking of Robert. Aaron had liked what he had seen. Robert was good looking. Aaron knew nothing could happen between them, but nothing wrong with admitting that he found him fit. He will try to be friendly with him from now on. 

After the first movie, Aaron goes to the bathroom and then decides to talk to Robert. He knocks on Robert’s door. “It’s Aaron.”

“Come in.”

Aaron walks in and sees Robert was sitting at his desk reading something. Robert gets up and turns around to greet Aaron. Aaron walks towards him and gets caught on something, he falls on top of Robert. Aaron feels like his whole body is alive, he could feel every nerve ending and could feel Robert everywhere. Aaron was now looking at Robert who was looking directly at him. They had been looking at each other for a few seconds breathing heavily. Robert suddenly goes in and kisses him. Aaron responds immediately and kisses Robert back. Aaron gets caught up in the moment and is enjoying the kiss. This kiss is the best one he has ever had. Then Aaron realises what is happening and jumps off of Robert and starts to run away.

“Aaron, Aaron,” Robert calls out after him. Aaron ignores him and continues to go. He had a date tonight, and it was someone who it wasn't complicated as they were not their best friend’s brother, did not have a girlfriend, and was not confused about his sexuality. 

Aaron was ready for the date. Vic decided to help him with the outfit. While Aaron did not care what he wore, Vic wanted Ed to see that Aaron was the best person ever, and he was lucky to have a date with Aaron. It was not that big of a deal, it would be a movie and then hanging out at this cool cafe in town. Aaron was only interested in something casual. When Aaron saw Ed when he picked him up, he saw his smile and how good looking he was. Aaron had a date with the rugby star. 

They were going to see the new mission impossible movie. Aaron was excited to see it. He loved these types of movies. Ed seemed nice so far. They were both quiet individuals and that worked for him

“Aaron, fancy seeing you here.” Aaron turned around and saw Robert. “Priya and I came to watch the new movie vacation. Priya loves those types of movies. Plus we are both fans of Chris. How about you?” Aaron nodded towards Ed. “Oh, lucky guy. Have fun. Ill see you later.” Robert said and walked away. 

Aaron saw Robert talking to Priya and laughing with her. They seemed really close. Robert seemed like he really loved her. Aaron did not get why he kept feeling like Robert was trying to start something with him if he was clearly happy with Priya. Whatever there was a nice rugby player who was interested in him. He was going to enjoy the night.

Ed drove them to the cafe after the movie. Aaron really enjoyed it. He could have seen himself be an action star in another life. Aaron walked into the cafe and liked it. It looked like a place for teens to hang out if they wanted some quiet or privacy, and a nice place away from home. (more)

Aaron walked into Vic’s house the next day. He heard Robert talking to Priya. It looked like Robert enjoyed spending his time with his girlfriend and they seemed quite close. Why was he pulling moves on others then?

“...guys liking guys. It’s stupid.” Aaron hears Robert tell her and let out a frustrated sigh. Aaron was so mad. Robert was kissing someone else behind her back, a guy no less, and then he complains about gay guys. Aaron was fuming and ran to the garage where his uncle had set a punching bag for him. Aaron let out all of his frustrations out on the punching bag. Aaron knew that he needed to stay away from him. Aaron did not want to get caught up in these games. He just wanted to enjoy his life. He would only be sixteen once. 

He texted Vic to come over so that he could tell her all about his date with Ed. They were not boyfriends, but Aaron was open to the idea of going out on another date with him. 

A few days later Aaron was sitting in the pub with his sisters. Sarah Vic and Robert came in for their dinner. Aaron smiled at Vic and caught Robert smiling at him he frowned at him and turned around. Liv was smiling and sharing a story, everyone was listening closely, happy that her spirits were back up after her difficulties with her illness. 

“Bud then went up to the counselor and told her that he was a better dancer than her. He then went and started a dance battle between her and the kids to see who the best dancer was. Gabby, Jacob and I were laughing the whole time. Bud is a terrible dancer. But he does have confidence for days.”

Liv was thirsty after sharing stories, so she went up to get another drink. she was at the bar when she suddenly felt dizzy. She was trying to hold herself up but it was no use, Liv fell on the floor. Robert was right by her when she fell. He went to her to check what happened. He realized what was happening and turned her on her side. He signaled for someone to call 999. Aaron and Chas rushed to her. Aaron was holding Liv close to him until the seizure stopped. Robert was by Aaron the whole time making sure that they were both okay. He put his hand on Aaron’s back to reassure him that she will be okay. When the ambulance was there Robert smiled a reassuring smile in his direction. 

At the hospital, Aaron was freaking out. Liv seemed to be in healthy spirits and was happy, the seizure suddenly came from nowhere. This will crush Liv. She was 12 years old, she must have been so scared to be there fin one moment and then on the floor the next. Lif was so short. Robert was so good with her. Aaron was tired of the mixed messages and signals he was getting from him. 

Robert drove Vic over so that she could be there with Aaron. Robert saw that Aaron was down, he decided to get Aaron some tea as a peace offering. He really did want to be friends with Aaron. 

Aaron suddenly saw Robert come up to him and hand him a cup of something. Aaron looked up at him and gave him a face, one that meant what are you doing?

“Its tea. I just thought you can use it. Help to relax until you can see her. It will be fine. She seems like a fighter. Vic and I are always here if you want to talk.”

Aaron took the drink and sat down next to Robert. Aaron was sitting quietly, Robbert was sitting there with him as well. Aaron felt comfort at that moment knowing that he could sit there in quiet. THat he was not expected to talk and that was okay. 

“Family of Olivia Dingle.”

Chas stood up immediately and listened to what her doctor said. They were allowed to see her family only. Vic and Robert said that they would wait for them here. Robert would be able to give Aaron and Vic a ride home after. 

Aaron saw Liv lying in bed, she was frightened but also trying to put on a brave smile for everyone. Chas went up to her and reassured her that she was okay. That she would stay there with her until she was released from hospital. Aaron went up to her as well. He gave her a fist bump. The two of them smiled. His little sister had a special place in his heart. He was so happy that she was going to be okay. 

On the ride back things were quiet. Vic was sitting close to him and keeping an eye on him. Aaron was so lucky that she was his best friend. When they got to the house they decided to play some video games.

“I can beat you,” Robert said confidentially.

“In your dreams.” Aaron responded. Aaron so far had won all the games. Robert was not very good at it. Vic even tried to help him but it was no use.

“One more game, I know I can win this time,” Robert said. He then got a text from Priya and he smiled at what it said. Aaron did not see what it said but saw that it was from Priya. 

“I don’t want to be keeping you, you clearly have better things to do than play video games with two sixteen-year-olds.”

“Not really. It’s nice to have a break from university and work. I know I can beat you this time.”

Maybe Robert really did want to be friends with him. He did spend the day with him in hospital, drove him home, and was now playing video games with him. While Robert was bad at that he could see that he was trying to lift his spirits. Liv will be okay. Maybe the two of them can be friends. He is Vic’s brother. He liked her, so there should be no problem liking him. Nothing wrong with him having another friend.

“Yes I knew I could win one. I am not that bad at this am I?” Robert said proudly. Aaron genuinely had fun. He really was a good friend. 

The next day Aaron went back to hospital. His mum said that Liv could come home today. While there Aaron ran into Alex, the med student who had asked him out. 

“Aaron, what are you doing here?”

“My sister had another seizure.”

“Is there anything I can do to help. I’m a good listener and I do know my medicine.”

“Maybe another time. Ill text you.”

“I will be looking forward to it.”

Aaron saw that Liv was in happy spirits. He brought Liv a special treat, her fave chocolate. She deserved to have a smile on her face. Aaron hugged Liv and his mum tightly. 

“She said that I won’t even have a mark this time. I also didn’t bight my tongue this time. I can eat all of these now. None are for you. These are all mine.” Liv said and then took the chocolates. She was just joking about not sharing and let her mum and brother have some as well. 

Aaron was going to spend the evening at home. He would watch Liv’s favourite movie with her. He was just getting the popcorn and snacks ready, the film was all set on Netflix. He heard the doorbell ring. Aaron saw Vic, Adam, and Robert there. 

“We thought we could spend some time with Liv. Remind her that we all love her. We made her favourites,” Vic said as she handed him a box of baked goods. Aaron let them into the house. 

“I brought these for you. I noticed that they were your favourite.” Robert said and handed Aaron his favourite treat, sweet and sour gummies. Aaron smiled at him. He didn’t think Robert would notice that they were his fave to eat. 

“Vic we are going to watch the best movie. I’m so happy that you are here to watch it with us.” Liv said and then hugged Vic close. Vic sat next to Liv and Adam sat on the other side of Vic. That left Aaron and Robert the love seat. Aaron sat down and Robert sat down next to him.

Aaron was not a massive fan of this movie, but Liv loved it and it was her turn to pick the film.

“Not really your fave is it. Not mine either. But little sisters are great and they like when they get their way.” Robert said and handed him some sweets. Aaron smiled in thanks. Aaron found that the two of them sitting together the conversation flowed seamlessly between them. It was as if they had been friends for years and not weeks. Aaron felt his heartbeat quicken and his cheeks flush. Robert handed him another sweet as he told him another funny story. Aaron felt himself become tired after the last few days and fell asleep. When Aaron woke up he realised that the movie was over. The only ones in the room where Robert and him. The others must have left. Robert looked down at him and saw that he was awake.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty, you sleep well.” Robert asked Aaron and smiled down at him.Robert looked down at Aaron and Aaron looked up at him they moved closer to each other when suddenly Aaron heard a loud bang. Aaron jumped up immediately and ran away. 

Aaron had been ignoring Robert for the last few days. He had gone on another date with Ed and he had a date with Alex as well. His sister was also feeling better. Aaron was so confused about his feelings. He liked Ed, but he wasn’t sure if they had a future together. He was heading downstairs as Alex would be in the pub soon to pick him up. Aaron went out to the pub and saw Robert. 

Robert went up to Aaron, he was full of nervous anxious energy. “Aaron can I talk to you for a second.”

“Make it quick I have a date.”

“That’s actually what I want to talk to you about, would you like to go out with me on Friday night?” 

Aaron saw Priya smiling at both of them a friendly smile. He saw Alex come in as well. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later. 

The date with Alex was boring. Well mostly Alex was boring and Aaron did not really like him. He did not think that he would go out with him again. There was only one week left of August he was going to try and enjoy it the best he could. 

The next day Aaron went over to Vic’s house to tell her about his date. Robert was there as well. He was sitting on the sofa with Priya and Vic. 

“Hey, Aaron have you thought about my question?”

“Oh yes, I’m not sure if I have your number.”

“I’ll text you now so you have it. Want to play a game?”

“I came to talk to Vic actually. You and Priya have fun.”

Aaron and Vic went upstairs and he told her about the date. When Aaron was done he saw that there was a funny message from Robert. He smiled and texted him back. 

“Whos that Ed, Alex?”

“Robert.”

“A yes quite the charmer he is.”

They went downstairs, Robert was there with Priya still and a bottle of wine. There were also a couple of unopened cans of beer.

“Do you guys want some. I figured a can each wouldn’t be bad.” Robert said and handed Aaron a can of beer. Aaron sat next to him and started drinking. It wasn’t every day that he was able to easily drink alcohol for free. Aaron took the controller and they played in teams. First, it was Priya and Robert vs Aaron and Vic. Vic then thought it would be fun if she played with Priya. That left Aaron on the same team as Robert. Robert was trying to help Aaron with the controllers and by doing so he put his arms around Aaron. Aaron had felt alive. He could feel every part of his body that was touching Robert’s. Robert was whispering in his ear where to go next and what to do. Aaron then heard Robert laughing and could feel it and thought that up close it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Thinking of that distracted Aaron momentarily and he crashed the car into a mountain and it then fell into a valley. Aaron laughed and Robert laughed with him. He was having so much fun.

“Yous are so cute. Arent they Priya?”

“The cutest. I think they are the cutest duo from the group. I’m jealous.”

Shit, shit, shit. Priya was his girlfriend. She was right there. Aaron forgot that she was there. He would not make that mistake again. 

Over the next few days, Aaron and Robert were texting effortlessly. Conversations just flowed naturally between them. He always felt like they were in a little bubble. Whenever Robert asked him about going out, Aaron swerved the conversation in another direction. It was the second to last day of August and Robert asked him to come to meet him at a barn. Hanging out at Robert’s house was safe. He did like Robert and he wished that whatever was happening between them was clearer. 

It was the end of August. Robert had texted him to come to one of the barns, he wanted to show him something. When Aaron got there he saw that Priya was hugging Robert goodbye and was smiling at Aaron before she left. Aaron was really confused by their relationship. Aaron saw that there was a blanket set up, with a bunch of different types of breads and sandwiches. 

“I thought if I did this it would make my intentions clear, that I want to go out on dates with you, that I would love us to be boyfriends some point in the future. I just want you to know that I like you. I think you feel the same. I do like being friends with you but I want to be more.” Aaron frowned at him. “Oh god. I read this wrong, you aren’t interested. I am so stupid. I just thought I saw something when you looked at me. I thought you felt that spark to when we kissed, and when we touched. I’m sorry. I get it I won’t bother you.” Robert said dejectedly. 

“What about Priya?” Aaron asks.

“Priya likes you, she thinks that you are good for me.”

“I don’t want to be in this open relationship that yous two have. I don’t share.”

“What?” Robert asks confused.

“You and Priya.” Aaron clarifies. 

“Priya isn’t my girlfriend. She is my best friend. She is my Vic. We are really close but that is all we are. I don’t like Priya that way.”

“I don’t want to be a secret. I heard what you said to her about guys liking guys is stupid.”

“I’m bisexual. Something that I don’t hide from people. My family and Priya all know. I was telling her how when I kissed you in there it was the first time I kissed someone since Paul. My dad caught us together and freaked out. He kicked me out because I liked guys. I was saying it was stupid that my dad had an issue that guys liking guys, and I couldn’t let that keep haunting me. It was time for new beginnings. I was hoping to make new memories with you.”

“What about Vic. She is my best friend and you are her brother. This has got to be weird for her.”

“Vic noticed that I liked you, and she said that she thinks you liked me too. She said that I should go for it. That she wants us to be happy. As long as we are not all over each other she has no problem.”

Robert went closer to Aaron. He softly took his hand and held it in his. He looked at Aaron and he gave him a nod. Robert took Aaron into his arms and held him close. “Any other objections?” Robert asked. 

“Shut up,” Aaron said and then did just that. Aaron and Robert shared a kiss and then another one. This kiss was even better than the first one. Now that there was no confusion or misunderstandings and their feelings were clear. The kiss felt like coming home. It felt like a new beginning. 

Valentine’s day 2020

Robert had something special planned for Valentine’s day. He and Aaron had been dating for four and a half years. Aaron was in uni going strong. He would make a fine auto engineer soon. Robert and Priya had started up their business. He was excited about Valentine’s day. Since he and Aaron had started dating they have a few traditions for Valentine’s day. Robert hoped that the surprise this year went really well. 

He and Aaron moved into a place in the village that was close to the university. It was important for Aaron to live close to his family and his home. He lived on campus for the first two years. After that, he said that that was enough experience. Since the village was close enough to the university, Aaron had decided to ask Robert to move into a place together. They were able to use Aaron’s inheritance money and money from Robert’s savings to buy the mill cottage. Robert had it all set up tonight so that they could enjoy their evening. 

Aaron came back home. He saw that Robert had set up a table full of all their favourite foods. Aaron loved Robert’s cooking. He was so lucky to be dating someone who was excellent in the kitchen. He was definitely way more lucky than most university students. 

After dinner, Robert and Aaron sat down on the sofa. Robert had a photo album he had made, and a box of Sarah’s cupcakes. Robert said that he wanted to look at the photos first. The photos were their story. From their birth, their family. Growing up, meeting each other, dating. It had their whole story. Aaron saw a picture from their first date. Aaron successfully finishing his exams, Robert’s graduation from uni. Aaron starting Uni. Them moving into their new place. Aaron smiled as he relived all of their memories. On the last page, Robert had written, ‘What will the future bring, to new beginnings.’ 

Robert opened the box of cupcakes. Each cupcake had one of the letters of Marry me spelled out on it. Aaron looked up and saw that Robert was holding a ring out for Aaron. 

“Aaron, when my mum said we were moving back to Emmerdale after my dad died, I was unsure of that. I had so many nightmares. My mum said that every opportunity is a new beginning, and maybe I would be able to feel at home there. My mum was right, I met you and it changed everything. I’m the biggest flirt in high school, I can get anyone with a few well-placed words. And then you walked in and I became a stuttering mess and I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t even flirt with other people. You understand me in a way very few have understood me before. I can be myself who I really am, This awkward mess and I know that you won’t judge me. My mum was right about Emmerdale becoming my home again. I found my home with you. I am excited about our life to continue here in this home. Will you marry me?”

“Yes.” Robert slipped the ring on Aaron’s finger. He got another box out with an identical ring. Aaron slipped the ring on Robert’s finger. He hugged Robert close. Aaron then started kissing him. Aaron was excited to christen the house as an engaged couple. This place really did bring them new beginnings. 

[robronvalentineexchange]

New Beginnings

For @lizzzzoo​

Prologue

When Chas was 14 going on 15 she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, named Aaron. His biological father was much older and wanted nothing to do with the baby. Her brother Cain, who had a baby girl the previous year with their cousin had a plan. Their parents were no good, one was an abusive drunk, the other kept abandoning them. He and Charity would gather them some money and they would go to Emmerdale village. That was where their uncle lived. Hopefully, they can build their lives and have a fresh start there.

Aaron was a month old when they moved to Emmerdale. Cain who had just turned 18 was legally in charge of all of them with the help of uncle Zac, so that social would not take Chas, Charity, Aaron, and Debbie away. Cain gave Chas 5 grand to use for her and Aaron, with another 5 for the future. Cain used his money to buy into the garage. Charity conned a rich man so that she could get the three of them somewhere to live.

Chas worked at the pub, she greatly impressed the pub landlady. When Aaron was 2 years old she let them move into the pub permanently. She was a nice elderly lady that did not have a family of her own. Chas began to take over more of the day to day responsibilities of running the pub. She also bought a share of the pub to ensure that she and her baby boy would always have a place to stay. Chas’s number one priority was always her son. When she was not working she was spending her time with him. She did date at times but most people wanted her for her body and not much else.

When Aaron was 6 years old a nice vet moved to the town named Paddy. He loved Aaron and took him in as if he was his own. He got Aaron a dog named Clive that Aaron could look after. She liked that Paddy did not have an issue that she had a child and that he was more interested in her as a person. A platonic relationship formed between them. They did not date until Aaron was 10.

When Aaron was 6 Chas got a phone call from the police. Aaron’s horrible biological father had murdered his ex who was 8 months pregnant with a baby girl. She luckily was able to call the police before he shot her. The police shot and killed him on sight. She was still alive when the paramedics took her to hospital, but they couldn’t save her. They did emergency surgery to get the baby out, and she was mostly fine. Social services found that her only living relative was Aaron. Gordon also had half a million pounds that would be divided equally between them. Charity took her in and raised her as if she was her own. Aaron picked the name Liv for her and that was what they called her. She would make sure that no one would ever harm her children.

That same year Aaron also met his best friend Victoria. She was part of the Sugden family. Her family owned some land and a couple of the farms in the village. She had an older brother that would sometimes hang out with them. He was nine and Aaron thought he was cool.

When Aaron was ten his parents got together properly and that made him happy. A new family moved into one of the farms. And he made new friends, Holly, Adam, and Hanna. Hanna told them that he was a boy and wanted to be called Matty. He loved spending time with them on the farm. Vic’s parents also got divorced and he saw her less. Robert was around even less and Aaron did not like that he wasn’t around as much. He was the cool older brother like Holly was the cool older sister. Aaron also loved that he had his cousin that was a year older than him. He had a nice group of friends to play with and his dog. He also had the best mum who would do anything for him. His little baby sister was always trying to follow him around.

When Aaron was twelve the pub landlady died and she left it all to his mum. This was good as she was pregnant. Aaron was excited to have another sibling. Vic now spent the school year with them and was in the village her mum lived in when there was no school. Robert did not come over at all, and his dad acted like he never existed. His mum gave birth to a baby that died the same day she was born.

When Aaron was fourteen he was discovering his sexuality. He tried kissing Holly but it did nothing to him. He also thought guys were better looking than girls. Adam’s cousin came over and he kissed Aaron. While Aaron didn’t like him he did like the feeling of kissing a guy. The only people he told about this were Vic and Adam. He would tell his mum and dad soon. His mum was pregnant again and Aaron wanted the baby to be healthy. Liv was also recently diagnosed with epilepsy, the doctors figured out what the damage that was caused when she was born was. He can tell them later it’s not like he wants to date. When Aaron did tell them it was no big deal. They had Matty who was trans, and CHarity and Debbie were both bi. Aaron successfully finished his GCSEs, he loved working with his uncle in his garage so he decided he would go to 6 form and try to study automotive engineering at uni.

When Sarah was 40 years old she started her life over. She was divorced and she found a new passion. She decided to enter the great British bake off and somehow out of nowhere she won the competition. She met a confectioner Rishi who she started a cakery/confectionary with. The village she lived in was in North Yorkshire and was not far from Emmerdale. She still saw her children all the time. A year later Robert came to her in the middle of the night. She fought him for sole custody of Robert and Vic was still living part-time. Had he laid a hand on him she would have taken both but he only kicked him out for his sexuality and that made it harder to get her full time. She had her most of the weeks and the summer. Because the school was close to where they lived she was still in the same school. She would spend time with them in Emmerdale her friends never came over to visit. Her beautiful son found a life long friend in Priya and knew that they would be best friends forever. They were able to help each other with their struggles and overcome them together.

When Sara was 46 she moved back to Emmerdale VIllage with her son. Jack had died and Vic wanted to live where her friends were. Robert was in uni studying business. He only came home on weekends or when he needed something. He told her honestly that he had no bad memories of the village. Hopefully, the village will bring them good memories.

Summer 2015

It was the summer before Aaron was due to start 6 form. His best friend Vic was moving back to the village full time. Her mum and older brother were moving back as well. Aaron remembered a little of Vic’s brother. Mostly that he had not come back to visit since they were 12. He was so excited to see her. It was nice to have all of his friends and family close together.

When Aaron saw Vic he ran up to her and hugged her tightly. He saw Robert come up to them. He walked confidently toward them and held his hand out, he had a confident smirk on.

“I’m Robert, I don’t know if you remember me. It is nice to be back here. Beautiful place.” Robert said in a confident and cocky tone. Aaron hated him. He was one of those people who knew how good looking he was and just acted smug. Aaron scowled at him. Robert lowered his hand and started rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Vic and he went to the pub to go see the others.

Aaron was sitting at the pub with Vic and their group of friends. When suddenly Robert walked in. Everyone looked at him and were interested in this Sugden boy who is back for the first time in four years. He also had a beautiful woman who he walked in with. A bunch of Debbie’s friends were interested in him. Wow, he has the whole village wrapped around his finger. He has a girlfriend and he is still going around and trying it on with everyone. Although Aaron didn’t have that much bad luck with guys. He had his first boyfriend Jackson who helped him out when he first came out. The two of them realized that they were interested in different things and split up amicably. A few others have asked him out. There was Ed, a star rugby player, and Alex, a first-year med student. Aaron was happy that he had his options. Maybe he should text Ed so that they could go out tomorrow night. Aaron decides to go back to the conversation.

“Vic how’s it being back here full time?” Adam asked.

“It’s great being back. Although it looks like Holly, Debbie and their friends are all very into Robert. It’s like he is new blood here, even though our family has been here for generations. But hey I want him to be happy here. Hopefully mum will be as well. And spending all my time with my fave person.” She said as she leaned her head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“Well good luck with Holly there, She is used to getting what she wants,” Adam said, mocking his sister.

Robert and the girl came by and sat with them. Robert said he wanted to get to know Vic’s friends.

“Hi I’m Priya.” Robert’s friend introduced herself. She seemed really nice.

“Adam, some of our friends were over there.”

“I’m Ellis.”

Aaron stayed quiet and maintained the frown. Robert was smiling this friendly but confident smirk and he was not amused.

“Aaron.” He finally said.

“Aaron all grown up. I remember when you and Vic used to get into trouble running around. Well it looks like you grew up well.” Robert said. Aaron was wondering what that meant. He could be more than that trouble maker. Aaron frowned in his direction, not at all impressed by Robert.

Things were quiet for a few seconds, then Ellis and Adam started the conversation back up again. A few minutes later Sarah walked in and was talking to her children. Aaron thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to go to the toilets.

Aaron was washing his hands when Robert walked in.

“I ugh don’t know what I did to offend you, I do want us to get on, be mates. You and my sister grew up together and are really close and I would like to get on.” Robert said. Aaron just shrugged him away. Robert lightly grabbed his hand so Aaron could face him. Aaron felt electricity go through him. “Just think about it okay.” Aaron just shrugged and ran away. Robert was straight and had a girlfriend and was his best friend’s older brother, nothing could ever happen between them.

Aaron was at Vic’s hanging out. He was going out with Ed later that night. He was not sure if he wanted a boyfriend now. He was only 16 and he already had one serious relationship. But Ed seemed nice, and he liked him, so Aaron was willing to go on a date with him. On his way to Vic’s room he passed by Robert’s room. He caught him only half-dressed, he was in the middle of putting his shirt on. Aaron quickly went to Vic’s room so that Robert would not catch him and think he was watching him. He will try and get along with him since he will be over a lot.

The first movie they watch is Rocky. Vic knew it was his favourite and wanted to do something nice for him. While he was watching the movie he was thinking of Robert. Aaron had liked what he had seen. Robert was good looking. Aaron knew nothing could happen between them, but nothing wrong with admitting that he found him fit. He will try to be friendly with him from now on.

After the first movie, Aaron goes to the bathroom and then decides to talk to Robert. He knocks on Robert’s door. “It’s Aaron.”

“Come in.”

Aaron walks in and sees Robert was sitting at his desk reading something. Robert gets up and turns around to greet Aaron. Aaron walks towards him and gets caught on something, he falls on top of Robert. Aaron feels like his whole body is alive, he could feel every nerve ending and could feel Robert everywhere. Aaron was now looking at Robert who was looking directly at him. They had been looking at each other for a few seconds breathing heavily. Robert suddenly goes in and kisses him. Aaron responds immediately and kisses Robert back. Aaron gets caught up in the moment and is enjoying the kiss. This kiss is the best one he has ever had. Then Aaron realises what is happening and jumps off of Robert and starts to run away.

“Aaron, Aaron,” Robert calls out after him. Aaron ignores him and continues to go. He had a date tonight, and it was someone who it wasn’t complicated as they were not their best friend’s brother, did not have a girlfriend, and was not confused about his sexuality.

Aaron was ready for the date. Vic decided to help him with the outfit. While Aaron did not care what he wore, Vic wanted Ed to see that Aaron was the best person ever, and he was lucky to have a date with Aaron. It was not that big of a deal, it would be a movie and then hanging out at this cool cafe in town. Aaron was only interested in something casual. When Aaron saw Ed when he picked him up, he saw his smile and how good looking he was. Aaron had a date with the rugby star.

They were going to see the new mission impossible movie. Aaron was excited to see it. He loved these types of movies. Ed seemed nice so far. They were both quiet individuals and that worked for him

“Aaron, fancy seeing you here.” Aaron turned around and saw Robert. “Priya and I came to watch the new movie vacation. Priya loves those types of movies. Plus we are both fans of Chris. How about you?” Aaron nodded towards Ed. “Oh, lucky guy. Have fun. Ill see you later.” Robert said and walked away.

Aaron saw Robert talking to Priya and laughing with her. They seemed really close. Robert seemed like he really loved her. Aaron did not get why he kept feeling like Robert was trying to start something with him if he was clearly happy with Priya. Whatever there was a nice rugby player who was interested in him. He was going to enjoy the night.

Ed drove them to the cafe after the movie. Aaron really enjoyed it. He could have seen himself be an action star in another life. Aaron walked into the cafe and liked it. It looked like a place for teens to hang out if they wanted some quiet or privacy, and a nice place away from home. (more)

Aaron walked into Vic’s house the next day. He heard Robert talking to Priya. It looked like Robert enjoyed spending his time with his girlfriend and they seemed quite close. Why was he pulling moves on others then?

“…guys liking guys. It’s stupid.” Aaron hears Robert tell her and let out a frustrated sigh. Aaron was so mad. Robert was kissing someone else behind her back, a guy no less, and then he complains about gay guys. Aaron was fuming and ran to the garage where his uncle had set a punching bag for him. Aaron let out all of his frustrations out on the punching bag. Aaron knew that he needed to stay away from him. Aaron did not want to get caught up in these games. He just wanted to enjoy his life. He would only be sixteen once.

He texted Vic to come over so that he could tell her all about his date with Ed. They were not boyfriends, but Aaron was open to the idea of going out on another date with him.

A few days later Aaron was sitting in the pub with his sisters. Sarah Vic and Robert came in for their dinner. Aaron smiled at Vic and caught Robert smiling at him he frowned at him and turned around. Liv was smiling and sharing a story, everyone was listening closely, happy that her spirits were back up after her difficulties with her illness.

“Bud then went up to the counselor and told her that he was a better dancer than her. He then went and started a dance battle between her and the kids to see who the best dancer was. Gabby, Jacob and I were laughing the whole time. Bud is a terrible dancer. But he does have confidence for days.”

Liv was thirsty after sharing stories, so she went up to get another drink. she was at the bar when she suddenly felt dizzy. She was trying to hold herself up but it was no use, Liv fell on the floor. Robert was right by her when she fell. He went to her to check what happened. He realized what was happening and turned her on her side. He signaled for someone to call 999. Aaron and Chas rushed to her. Aaron was holding Liv close to him until the seizure stopped. Robert was by Aaron the whole time making sure that they were both okay. He put his hand on Aaron’s back to reassure him that she will be okay. When the ambulance was there Robert smiled a reassuring smile in his direction.

At the hospital, Aaron was freaking out. Liv seemed to be in healthy spirits and was happy, the seizure suddenly came from nowhere. This will crush Liv. She was 12 years old, she must have been so scared to be there fin one moment and then on the floor the next. Lif was so short. Robert was so good with her. Aaron was tired of the mixed messages and signals he was getting from him.

Robert drove Vic over so that she could be there with Aaron. Robert saw that Aaron was down, he decided to get Aaron some tea as a peace offering. He really did want to be friends with Aaron.

Aaron suddenly saw Robert come up to him and hand him a cup of something. Aaron looked up at him and gave him a face, one that meant what are you doing?

“Its tea. I just thought you can use it. Help to relax until you can see her. It will be fine. She seems like a fighter. Vic and I are always here if you want to talk.”

Aaron took the drink and sat down next to Robert. Aaron was sitting quietly, Robbert was sitting there with him as well. Aaron felt comfort at that moment knowing that he could sit there in quiet. THat he was not expected to talk and that was okay.

“Family of Olivia Dingle.”

Chas stood up immediately and listened to what her doctor said. They were allowed to see her family only. Vic and Robert said that they would wait for them here. Robert would be able to give Aaron and Vic a ride home after.

Aaron saw Liv lying in bed, she was frightened but also trying to put on a brave smile for everyone. Chas went up to her and reassured her that she was okay. That she would stay there with her until she was released from hospital. Aaron went up to her as well. He gave her a fist bump. The two of them smiled. His little sister had a special place in his heart. He was so happy that she was going to be okay.

On the ride back things were quiet. Vic was sitting close to him and keeping an eye on him. Aaron was so lucky that she was his best friend. When they got to the house they decided to play some video games.

“I can beat you,” Robert said confidentially.

“In your dreams.” Aaron responded. Aaron so far had won all the games. Robert was not very good at it. Vic even tried to help him but it was no use.

“One more game, I know I can win this time,” Robert said. He then got a text from Priya and he smiled at what it said. Aaron did not see what it said but saw that it was from Priya.

“I don’t want to be keeping you, you clearly have better things to do than play video games with two sixteen-year-olds.”

“Not really. It’s nice to have a break from university and work. I know I can beat you this time.”

Maybe Robert really did want to be friends with him. He did spend the day with him in hospital, drove him home, and was now playing video games with him. While Robert was bad at that he could see that he was trying to lift his spirits. Liv will be okay. Maybe the two of them can be friends. He is Vic’s brother. He liked her, so there should be no problem liking him. Nothing wrong with him having another friend.

“Yes I knew I could win one. I am not that bad at this am I?” Robert said proudly. Aaron genuinely had fun. He really was a good friend.

The next day Aaron went back to hospital. His mum said that Liv could come home today. While there Aaron ran into Alex, the med student who had asked him out.

“Aaron, what are you doing here?”

“My sister had another seizure.”

“Is there anything I can do to help. I’m a good listener and I do know my medicine.”

“Maybe another time. Ill text you.”

“I will be looking forward to it.”

Aaron saw that Liv was in happy spirits. He brought Liv a special treat, her fave chocolate. She deserved to have a smile on her face. Aaron hugged Liv and his mum tightly.

“She said that I won’t even have a mark this time. I also didn’t bight my tongue this time. I can eat all of these now. None are for you. These are all mine.” Liv said and then took the chocolates. She was just joking about not sharing and let her mum and brother have some as well.

Aaron was going to spend the evening at home. He would watch Liv’s favourite movie with her. He was just getting the popcorn and snacks ready, the film was all set on Netflix. He heard the doorbell ring. Aaron saw Vic, Adam, and Robert there.

“We thought we could spend some time with Liv. Remind her that we all love her. We made her favourites,” Vic said as she handed him a box of baked goods. Aaron let them into the house.

“I brought these for you. I noticed that they were your favourite.” Robert said and handed Aaron his favourite treat, sweet and sour gummies. Aaron smiled at him. He didn’t think Robert would notice that they were his fave to eat.

“Vic we are going to watch the best movie. I’m so happy that you are here to watch it with us.” Liv said and then hugged Vic close. Vic sat next to Liv and Adam sat on the other side of Vic. That left Aaron and Robert the love seat. Aaron sat down and Robert sat down next to him.

Aaron was not a massive fan of this movie, but Liv loved it and it was her turn to pick the film.

“Not really your fave is it. Not mine either. But little sisters are great and they like when they get their way.” Robert said and handed him some sweets. Aaron smiled in thanks. Aaron found that the two of them sitting together the conversation flowed seamlessly between them. It was as if they had been friends for years and not weeks. Aaron felt his heartbeat quicken and his cheeks flush. Robert handed him another sweet as he told him another funny story. Aaron felt himself become tired after the last few days and fell asleep. When Aaron woke up he realised that the movie was over. The only ones in the room where Robert and him. The others must have left. Robert looked down at him and saw that he was awake.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty, you sleep well.” Robert asked Aaron and smiled down at him.Robert looked down at Aaron and Aaron looked up at him they moved closer to each other when suddenly Aaron heard a loud bang. Aaron jumped up immediately and ran away.

Aaron had been ignoring Robert for the last few days. He had gone on another date with Ed and he had a date with Alex as well. His sister was also feeling better. Aaron was so confused about his feelings. He liked Ed, but he wasn’t sure if they had a future together. He was heading downstairs as Alex would be in the pub soon to pick him up. Aaron went out to the pub and saw Robert.

Robert went up to Aaron, he was full of nervous anxious energy. “Aaron can I talk to you for a second.”

“Make it quick I have a date.”

“That’s actually what I want to talk to you about, would you like to go out with me on Friday night?”

Aaron saw Priya smiling at both of them a friendly smile. He saw Alex come in as well. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.

The date with Alex was boring. Well mostly Alex was boring and Aaron did not really like him. He did not think that he would go out with him again. There was only one week left of August he was going to try and enjoy it the best he could.

The next day Aaron went over to Vic’s house to tell her about his date. Robert was there as well. He was sitting on the sofa with Priya and Vic.

“Hey, Aaron have you thought about my question?”

“Oh yes, I’m not sure if I have your number.”

“I’ll text you now so you have it. Want to play a game?”

“I came to talk to Vic actually. You and Priya have fun.”

Aaron and Vic went upstairs and he told her about the date. When Aaron was done he saw that there was a funny message from Robert. He smiled and texted him back.

“Whos that Ed, Alex?”

“Robert.”

“A yes quite the charmer he is.”

They went downstairs, Robert was there with Priya still and a bottle of wine. There were also a couple of unopened cans of beer.

“Do you guys want some. I figured a can each wouldn’t be bad.” Robert said and handed Aaron a can of beer. Aaron sat next to him and started drinking. It wasn’t every day that he was able to easily drink alcohol for free. Aaron took the controller and they played in teams. First, it was Priya and Robert vs Aaron and Vic. Vic then thought it would be fun if she played with Priya. That left Aaron on the same team as Robert. Robert was trying to help Aaron with the controllers and by doing so he put his arms around Aaron. Aaron had felt alive. He could feel every part of his body that was touching Robert’s. Robert was whispering in his ear where to go next and what to do. Aaron then heard Robert laughing and could feel it and thought that up close it was the most beautiful sound in the world. Thinking of that distracted Aaron momentarily and he crashed the car into a mountain and it then fell into a valley. Aaron laughed and Robert laughed with him. He was having so much fun.

“Yous are so cute. Arent they Priya?”

“The cutest. I think they are the cutest duo from the group. I’m jealous.”

Shit, shit, shit. Priya was his girlfriend. She was right there. Aaron forgot that she was there. He would not make that mistake again.

Over the next few days, Aaron and Robert were texting effortlessly. Conversations just flowed naturally between them. He always felt like they were in a little bubble. Whenever Robert asked him about going out, Aaron swerved the conversation in another direction. It was the second to last day of August and Robert asked him to come to meet him at a barn. Hanging out at Robert’s house was safe. He did like Robert and he wished that whatever was happening between them was clearer.

It was the end of August. Robert had texted him to come to one of the barns, he wanted to show him something. When Aaron got there he saw that Priya was hugging Robert goodbye and was smiling at Aaron before she left. Aaron was really confused by their relationship. Aaron saw that there was a blanket set up, with a bunch of different types of breads and sandwiches.

“I thought if I did this it would make my intentions clear, that I want to go out on dates with you, that I would love us to be boyfriends some point in the future. I just want you to know that I like you. I think you feel the same. I do like being friends with you but I want to be more.” Aaron frowned at him. “Oh god. I read this wrong, you aren’t interested. I am so stupid. I just thought I saw something when you looked at me. I thought you felt that spark to when we kissed, and when we touched. I’m sorry. I get it I won’t bother you.” Robert said dejectedly.

“What about Priya?” Aaron asks.

“Priya likes you, she thinks that you are good for me.”

“I don’t want to be in this open relationship that yous two have. I don’t share.”

“What?” Robert asks confused.

“You and Priya.” Aaron clarifies.

“Priya isn’t my girlfriend. She is my best friend. She is my Vic. We are really close but that is all we are. I don’t like Priya that way.”

“I don’t want to be a secret. I heard what you said to her about guys liking guys is stupid.”

“I’m bisexual. Something that I don’t hide from people. My family and Priya all know. I was telling her how when I kissed you in there it was the first time I kissed someone since Paul. My dad caught us together and freaked out. He kicked me out because I liked guys. I was saying it was stupid that my dad had an issue that guys liking guys, and I couldn’t let that keep haunting me. It was time for new beginnings. I was hoping to make new memories with you.”

“What about Vic. She is my best friend and you are her brother. This has got to be weird for her.”

“Vic noticed that I liked you, and she said that she thinks you liked me too. She said that I should go for it. That she wants us to be happy. As long as we are not all over each other she has no problem.”

Robert went closer to Aaron. He softly took his hand and held it in his. He looked at Aaron and he gave him a nod. Robert took Aaron into his arms and held him close. “Any other objections?” Robert asked.

“Shut up,” Aaron said and then did just that. Aaron and Robert shared a kiss and then another one. This kiss was even better than the first one. Now that there was no confusion or misunderstandings and their feelings were clear. The kiss felt like coming home. It felt like a new beginning.

Valentine’s day 2020

Robert had something special planned for Valentine’s day. He and Aaron had been dating for four and a half years. Aaron was in uni going strong. He would make a fine auto engineer soon. Robert and Priya had started up their business. He was excited about Valentine’s day. Since he and Aaron had started dating they have a few traditions for Valentine’s day. Robert hoped that the surprise this year went really well.

He and Aaron moved into a place in the village that was close to the university. It was important for Aaron to live close to his family and his home. He lived on campus for the first two years. After that, he said that that was enough experience. Since the village was close enough to the university, Aaron had decided to ask Robert to move into a place together. They were able to use Aaron’s inheritance money and money from Robert’s savings to buy the mill cottage. Robert had it all set up tonight so that they could enjoy their evening.

Aaron came back home. He saw that Robert had set up a table full of all their favourite foods. Aaron loved Robert’s cooking. He was so lucky to be dating someone who was excellent in the kitchen. He was definitely way more lucky than most university students.

After dinner, Robert and Aaron sat down on the sofa. Robert had a photo album he had made, and a box of Sarah’s cupcakes. Robert said that he wanted to look at the photos first. The photos were their story. From their birth, their family. Growing up, meeting each other, dating. It had their whole story. Aaron saw a picture from their first date. Aaron successfully finishing his exams, Robert’s graduation from uni. Aaron starting Uni. Them moving into their new place. Aaron smiled as he relived all of their memories. On the last page, Robert had written, ‘What will the future bring, to new beginnings.’

Robert opened the box of cupcakes. Each cupcake had one of the letters of Marry me spelled out on it. Aaron looked up and saw that Robert was holding a ring out for Aaron.

“Aaron, when my mum said we were moving back to Emmerdale after my dad died, I was unsure of that. I had so many nightmares. My mum said that every opportunity is a new beginning, and maybe I would be able to feel at home there. My mum was right, I met you and it changed everything. I’m the biggest flirt in high school, I can get anyone with a few well-placed words. And then you walked in and I became a stuttering mess and I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t even flirt with other people. You understand me in a way very few have understood me before. I can be myself who I really am, This awkward mess and I know that you won’t judge me. My mum was right about Emmerdale becoming my home again. I found my home with you. I am excited about our life to continue here in this home. Will you marry me?”

“Yes.” Robert slipped the ring on Aaron’s finger. He got another box out with an identical ring. Aaron slipped the ring on Robert’s finger. He hugged Robert close. Aaron then started kissing him. Aaron was excited to christen the house as an engaged couple. This place really did bring them new beginnings.

[mykweendom]

Baby Daddy Blues

Hey loves. Today's blog is something I've debated for the longest time to put together. Then I remembered the purpose of this blog - to share my experiences of this crazy thing called life.

Based off the title of the blog, you know I'm about to get hella emotional.

I met my ex when I was 19 going on 20. I had just started life here in Zambia and had no friends whatsoever. He came to my "rescue" but fixing up my phone. He was a friend of my brother (cousin). He seemed like a nice guy. Couple months down the line I met him in a bus and he offered to pay for my bus fare and I immediately refused. There was a whole back and forth as to why he didn't mind paying and why I wasn't comfortable with that. He ended up paying. We exchanged numbers (I gave him a number I hardly used) at the drop off point. Few weeks later he sent me a text message and the rest was history. We became very good friends and then decided to try the whole dating thing.

I loved him and was confident that he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I was very ready to be his wife one day and so when I fell pregnant a year and half into our relationship, I was scared but very sure that I was doing this with the right man. Dololo. Mans showed his true colours the day I told him I was pregnant. He was ready to kill himself and leave me to take care of the baby all alone. I am not the giving up type of woman so I carried my pregnancy with pride regardless of what my family had said to me. It is always advised for the baby's father to be present at antenatal visits but my baby daddy didn't care. He never showed up. Throughout my pregnancy he lied to me about telling his family about the pregnancy, his family organising clothes and supplies for the baby. I sadly only came to know the truth about all of this last year when our two families met. His family only came to know about my son when he was turning a year old.

That was the moment I knew I never wanted him as my boyfriend or partner ever again.

My ex and I were together for 3 years. We broke up because he was unfaithful and wasn't being a provider for his child. For the longest time he was pointing fingers at me saying I was fucking around when in actual fact it was him.

I could tell it ALL guys, every single heart breaking detail but those close to me know how fucked up things got.

Being a single parent was never something I imagined I'd be. I have so much respect for every woman that has raised her child/children on her own. This parenting thing isn't easy and shouldn't be taken lightly. I wish there were more men out there who would take responsibility for their children. Your children don't need you to splash thousands upon thousands of dollars on them for him or her to know that you love them. Taking time out of your busy schedule to spend time with them is what is so important. Find out what they love, their favourite cartoon characters, their favourite food or who their best friend is. These things matter to children.

My son turns 4 this year and I have honestly done the most! He has always been my number one priority. I always get emotional when his father raises his hopes and says he will come pick him and then he doesn't show up. The sadness and disappointment that I've seen in my kid's eyes is beyond heart breaking.

To the men out there don't be a "baby daddy" be a FATHER. Do right by your children.

Have a great weekend ya'll

xo

[fmdyaebin]

Whoa, is that KANG YAEBIN? I love her! You might know her as BINNIE. She’s the LEAD VOCAL AND RAPPER of FUSE, and she’s a ‘96 LINER! She’s one of my favorites under GOLD STAR MEDIA. Don’t you think she looks a little like LEE SAEROM?

AH, when I tell you guys I’m so frickin’ excited to be here, I’m not lying!! Hello, I’m Alex (they/them)! This is Yaebin, also known as Binnie when she’s promoting with Fuse. She’s my baby and I’ve been brewing her up in my mind for weeks now, and I’m finally able to bring her in! You can check out her profile and stuff over here. I don’t have a plots page, but I will be putting a few connection ideas at the bottom of this intro, so stick around to the end! If plotting with me tickles your fancy, tickle that like button and I’ll DM you! Or you can add me on my discord - jeongyeon's maid#0828

Yaebin was named after her mother who passed away during childbirth with her due to complications. Her parents were both a little bit older than parents tend to be when having a child, her mother being two months from forty and her father being forty four. Her mother already had two sons that she had when she was twenty-two and twenty-five respectively. She desperately wanted to have a daughter, despite how much she loved her two sons. Her husband, however, wanted another son. 

He didn’t love Yaebin any less or treat her badly (at least not intentionally), but he raised her exactly like he raised his sons. He put her into sports at an early age, cut her hair really short so he wouldn’t have to style it, and gave her her brothers’ old toys and sports equipment. He even had her dress more boyish, not allowing her to wear dresses or skirts unless they were going to church or an event. AND he’d call her really boyish nicknames? Like champ and sport, e.t.c. 

Her father was an ex professional athlete lol I forgot to toss that in there. That’s a reason why he pushed her so hard into sports. 

So she became known as the Tomboy™. She had a good mix of friends, both boys and girls, but she quickly grew to realize that boys wouldn’t look at her the way that they looked at other girls. They only saw her as “one of the guys” and that much was made clear when she approached her crush on Valentine’s Day when she was fifteen and tried to confess to him and gift him chocolates and a teddy bear. He ended up turning her down and telling her that he couldn’t be with “one of his bros”. 

When she was fourteen, she wanted to try out cheerleading instead of sticking with soccer. Her father shot her down, and made her feel belittled for even asking. He said cheerleading wasn’t a real sport and that they’re just scantily glad eye candy for the men and athletes at games. She just wanted to do it because it looked like a lot of fun.. And because she was starting to realize that she was starting to find girls a lot more prettier than she should lol what better way to hang out with a bunch of girls than to be a cheerleader, right? 

She’s sixteen (in 2012) when she becomes a trainee at Gold Star, thanks to her cousin who forced her to audition with them. 

She thought that since she would be debuting in a girl group, she would finally be able to try something new with her look, but Gold Star made her stick with the tomboy image for a long while. She had her hair cut short (think Jeongyeon during Twice’s earlier years or Hyebin from Momoland during Bboom Bboom era. Saerom obviously hasn’t had her hair cut that short though, so I’m invoking my creative license and all of our imaginations lol) for years, her hair slowly but surely growing out over the eras. 

Because of her upbringing around men, she does tend to have what people would refer to as “boyish” habits. She “manspreads”, she’s lowkey obnoxious when she laughs, she’s the “greasy” one in Fuse (meaning she flirts with the members as fan service, think of Sana flirting with Twice but more boyish). Fans even go so far as to call her “oppa” (a la Moonbyul, Seulgi, Jeongyeon, e.t.c.) 

During their Red Flavor era when they gained even more success and momentum, Yaebin gained her very own saesang! How exciting, right? 

This dude won’t leave her alone for shit. He’s been on her ass since 2017 and he’s showing no signs of backing off. It started with him showing up at every Fuse event, then popping up at the airport when they were boarding their flights, then he started sending her shit to HER APARTMENT when she moved out of the dorms. She’s terrified now that he knows where she lives, and sometimes she can’t stand being in her apartment alone when she gets too paranoid and scared, so she calls a friend to come over or she asks if she can come to their place. 

Like Joy, she’s the giant of Fuse (I tweaked Saerom’s height a bit to make her 5′8″, which wouldn’t be unrealistic because she looks tall lol), but she likes her height and she’s extremely comfortable with it. 

She’s pan but she’s gay as hell. Guys are great and all, so are penises, but girls? Say less. 

Connection Time~~~~~

Exes! Good terms, bad terms, mutual, one initiated it, anything. (OPEN)

People she calls when she wants to come over or wants them to come over when she’s feeling unsafe in her apartment. (OPEN)

The person who teaches her all about makeup and fashion. She didn’t really start dabbling in it herself until recently because she just allowed Fuse’s stylists to do all the work, but she wants to start learning! (OPEN)

A best friend! The peanut butter to her jelly, the Lee Dongwook to her Gong Yoo, the IU to her Yoo Inna. (OPEN)

People that helped her through her time as a trainee cir. 2012 - 2014 (OPEN) 

People that she’s shipped with, both men and women! (OPEN) 

Flings, on/off again, will they/won’t they, crush type plots? Throw ‘em at me! (OPEN) 

Yaebin listed them as her ideal type (OPEN)

They listed Yaebin as their ideal type (OPEN)

A woman older than her that’s sort of like a guiding light for her? She never really had an older woman figure in her life, so she really needs that. A big sister type of relationship. Older than a ‘96 liner. (OPEN)

Yaebin and this guy (or masculine presenting person) used to be really close friends. Then netizens started speculating that they were in a relationship and their company (or companies if they’re under different labels) told them to stop seeing each other because it’ll mess up their images. They still text and talk over the phone, and very rarely see each other in person. It sucks, but they do it because they don’t want to give up their friendship. (OPEN) 

Friends with benefits, enemies with benefits, exes with benefits, acquaintances with benefits, throw ‘em all at me~ (OPEN) 

Yaebin’s bro gang. A few people that she can hang out with where she can embrace her “boyish” qualities. People that’ll say “niiiiiiiiice” when she burps for ten seconds straight. (OPEN) 

Opposites attract - friends edition (OPEN)

[crowkingwrites]

Bang Bang!: Guilty (Ch.13)

Pairing: Ramsay Bolton X Reader

Summary: You are now a full-fledged member of the Red Kings. After your first successful mission, Domeric comes with troubling news: they’re being watched and there’s a mole among them. The Red Kings, Ramsay, and You now stand against a new enemy: Stannis Baratheon, a high ranking FBI member out to seek justice who may have his own dark secrets he’s trying to hide.

In this next part of the series, you will be tested, face old enemies, and encounter faces you’d thought you’d never see again. You thought you were safe, but the game has just begun.

Words: 2198 // Ao3 Link

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12]

You sat quiet in your father’s truck as he drove through the countryside. A soft male country voice crooned about his blues on the radio. You glanced over to him. His brow was furrowed. His eyes were wide awake due to the three coffees he drank back to back at 5am this morning. You opened your mouth and really thought about what you said.

“Dad, could you please tell me where we are going?”

“I’m going to strangle that boy. I’m going to take his damned snotty face and punch it in,” he said. “I teach him everything I know and this is how that little shit repays me?”

“Dad,” you wanted to explain. You’ve kept your family and personal life secret from everyone. You wanted to move on without your parents. Things were different now. A long, frustrated sigh expelled from your being. You felt a stress headache forming and rubbed your temples.

You took out your phone. You had no say in what was going to happen, but maybe you could at least warn somebody.

You: [Ben, what the fuck?]

In no time at all, your phone dinged.

Ben: [Okay. So you’re safe?]

You: [I am. Why did you send me to my father’s house???]

Ben: [ LOCKE IS YOUR FATHER????]

You sighed again in frustration.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I’m having a long life, dad.”

“You’re telling me. My ex-wife has been cheating on me for years. My daughter is a prostitute—

“Was.”

“My daughter was a prostitute. Now I gotta knock some fuckin' sense in my best student.”

“He was your best student?” Locke’s smile was humble at most, but you could tell he wanted to burst with stories. So did you. You sent one more text Ben’s way.

You: [Look I don’t have the time to explain my shit to you. Locke found out about me and rams. He’s coming. I think. I don’t know where we’re going. Warn Rams.]

<----->

Ben held his cell in his hands with wide, bulging eyes. He wanted to scream. He wanted to panic. This was not good.

“Why the fuck do you look like that?” Ramsay asked. A cold beer touched his lips.

“What?’ Ben reacted.

“Did you get a girl pregnant or what? Why the fuck does your face look like that?”

Ben contemplated his friendship with Ramsay. He remembered meeting him. He remembered how Ramsay would cut people who annoyed him. Ben also remembered that Ramsay killed people over Y/N’s rape. Ramsay waved a gun in Yellow’s face and he was only the messenger.

Ramsay waited for an answer. He had to say something.

“Nailed It. Have you heard of a Netflix show called Nailed It?”

“No, why?”

“The bakers are on the show do such a bad job at baking and—

“They bake badly on purpose?” Ramsay said.

“No, they just—

“Never mind. I’m bored with you,” Ramsay moved on. Mance’s generous donation of weaponry stocked several the once-hotel rooms in the brewery. Guns, ammo, and everything else a psychotic boy would need to take down a branch of a government. It was time for his next move.

All was quiet from his father and his brother. Either that, or they were hiding things from him. What he did know was that he was acting alone. Ramsay wasn’t like his father or his brother. He was himself. He did things his way, but as Ramsay looked around at his men who drank beer and fucked penny-whores, he realized something.

He needed allies. He needed a better plan. He needed Y/N.

No. He shook his head. He didn’t need Y/N. Whatever they had was over now. He’s sent her away. Wherever she was didn’t matter. He looked up to see one of the female Red Kings having trouble loading a gun. She tried opening the chambers, but it seemed stuck. He stepped towards her, only to feel a sickness grow inside his belly.

A voice in his head. ‘Don’t.’

He grunted and stepped towards her anyways until Yellow stopped him in his tracks.

“I just talked with some spies. Your brother’s taking missions?”

“Y/N told me. Why? Is it more important than—

Ramsay nodded towards the girl who still had trouble loading the gun. Yellow looked back at him with disgust.

“It’s been less than a fucking day,” Yellow said. “You’re moving on that fast, huh? Y/N meant nothing to you?”

“You don’t get to sit here and put words in my mouth.”

“Why did you break up with her and send her away? What happened?”

“I’m not talking about it.”

“You waved a gun in my fucking face! I told you. No, I showed you a video of her rape and you killed a bunch of poor fuckers that day. Some of them were our men! You tore the whole place apart and ruined your dad’s plans for her. Now, you’re gonna go fuck my cousin because your cock is lonely?”

Ramsay stepped close to Yellow. His presence overpowered him. His quiet rage had been disturbed, and Ramsay had kept his residual break-up anger inside.

“Ramsay. We gotta talk,” Ben said behind both of them. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Do you have an opinion on my ex-girlfriend? If I remember correctly, you were suspicious of her.” Ramsay never looked away from Yellow. His fingers hovered over a knife in his pocket. He could take out both of them right now just to shut them up.

“A lot of us were. We were right to. She’s Petyr’s girl,” Yellow explained. “Turns out, Charlotte is in Vegas right now. She’s posing as another bird again.”

“And? Why should we care?”

“Petyr has Sansa Stark and—

“We’re going after Stannis, dipshit. I don’t care what an old man wants with a pretty girl. I know that business. My ex is from that business. I saw her clients. I killed some of them. What’s your point?”

Yellow took a breath before saying his next words. “Stannis Baratheon is going after everyone. Not just us. Charlotte and your brother have reported that prostitution houses, mobs, gangs in Chicago, everybody had bugs hidden in their headquarters.”

Ramsay sighed, thinking to himself. “Everyone wants to be careful. That’s why Mance was so hesitant. No one wants to end up in federal jail forever. Stannis has the entire underbelly in his hands and for fucking what? Why?”

<---->

Stannis Baratheon sat in the comfy chair again. He liked the calming colors in Dr. Melisandre’s office. He felt completely relaxed in her presence.

“Tell me about your daughter,” she smiled. “You mentioned her before, but you don’t talk about her. Is she estranged?”

“No,” Stannis shook his head and chuckled. “It’s complicated.”

“Is it? Why?”

“I’m ashamed of her.” He said it out loud. He shut his mouth immediately. He put his head in his hands and grunted. “I can’t believe I said that out loud.”

“It’s alright,” Dr. Mel touched the cross on her chest. “Our Lord still loves you. That’s what makes his love so fulfilling. He loves us despite our flaws and our sins. He loves us despite what we do, and he forgives us.”

“Does he? He’s sent his living son to die for us, and I can’t even look my own daughter in the face.”

“And why is that? Has she done something wrong?”

“No, she’s only a little girl. She’s done nothing wrong. She’s sick. In and out of hospitals a lot. My wife and I made a weak child. She and I have had several miscarriages before. She blames herself. She’s apologized to me hundreds of times. Claims she’s not strong enough to give me a son.”

“Ah,” Dr. Mel said. “You wanted a son. We always want what we can’t have. We never take the time to count our blessings until its too late.” Stannis looked at her cross necklace again, and the bosom underneath.

“What do you suggest I do? Count my blessings?”

“Exactly. Spend time with your family. Experience the world around you.”

“But what if this world is filled with nothing but filth?”

“I understand that what you do for a living is difficult and you deal with difficult people. But, I remind you that the world is also filled with beauty and more.” Stannis scoffed. The last beauty he saw in this world was one of Petyr Baelish’s establishments. Nothing but beautiful girls laughing, talking, and spying for him. Last he heard, the Red Kings were there in New York.

And that Domeric Bolton controlled the list.

Stannis couldn’t prevent the Red Wedding from happening, but if he got his hands on that list. The kill list. Then maybe, he could save countless lives and finally be recognized as a hero. Not just some man who works too hard because he hates his family.

<---->

He wanted that damn list. He needed Domeric Bolton. Fuck counting blessings. He won’t count them until he can count the lives he’s saving.

Charlotte played with her pretty white-blonde hair. Her blue contacts and new boob job made her look like the prettiest bird in the cage. She smiled at Dom when he handed her a glass of wine.

“This is nice,” she commented. “What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing,” Domeric sighed. His body relaxing into their couch. “I just miss you. That’s all.” Charlotte stretched her legs across Domeric’s lap. He rested his hand on her ankles.

“I know,” she pouted. “I didn’t want to be a bird again.”

“I know. It’s not your fault. It’s Ramsay’s.”

“What do you mean? What’s your little brother got to do with this?”

“If he had laid low, he would’ve been here. Y/N would be the one pretending to be a pretty bird. Not you.”

“Why are you and your dad surprised anyways? Ramsay has always been Ramsay.”

Domeric sighed. “You’re right, but—

“But what? You think Ramsay’s going to be reasonable one day? You think he’ll just wake up and follow the rules?”

“I love him, ok?” Domeric said defensively. “I remember when he was born. I was so happy. I was so excited to be a big brother. All I wanted to do was play with him. And you know what Ramsay did? He stuck to my side. Always. We never went anywhere without the other. I remember our first assassination together. It was some fucking Lannister shithead. And we took him out together.

“I never felt so alive. When he dropped, Ramsay and I looked at each other and laughed. We just killed a dude together. You think I like fighting with him? No. I love him. That’s what hurts. I love Ramsay. I know what he is. I’ve seen what he’s capable of.”

“So why aren’t you doing anything about it? Why not just stop him?”

“Do you remember the last time I tried to stop him?” Domeric glared at Charlotte, pushing her feet off. He stood up and over her. “Y/N almost died that night. You were sobbing over the phone. ‘Ramsay’s got her in his car. She got shot! You have to stop him! He can’t do this to her.’ Remember that?”

Charlotte stood up, matching his anger and tone in every way.

“You have no fucking idea how terrifying your sweet, little brother is. Do you know how Y/N and Ramsay got together in the first place? He stalked her. He endlessly stalked her until she gave in. Then after that bullshit, he waves the list around Petyr’s head to get control. He killed her clients to have her to himself. And that’s what happened.

“Mr. Kress put a bullet in her because Ramsay was so obsessed. She did almost die that night. I remember Ramsay and his gang of bastards coming to me that night. All the other night nurses and me saved her that night. And you know what I did after that?”

“What?” Domeric spat.

“I told Ramsay to fuck off and I returned her body to Petyr Baelish where she was safe. You know what Ramsay did?”

“You’re going to tell me anyways so just say it.”

“Your little brother put his hands around my neck and he told me he was going to kill me for separating them.”

“And that’s when you wanted to stop him?”

“No. That’s not the point. My point is that your precious baby brother is going to kill everyone around him and then himself. If you and your father sit there and do nothing, Ramsay will die. The Bastard’s Boys. Y/N. Your dad. You. Me. All of the Red kings.”

“Shut up, Char.”

“No! Roose knows Ramsay’s talked to Mance! A bunch of weird shit at the border? Come on! Wake up!”

“Char, don’t.”

“You need to stop him or—

“Or what?” Domeric slammed his glass down. Drops of wine stained the carpet. “He’s my little brother, Charlotte. I lost mom. I can’t lose Ramsay.”

Charlotte shook her head slowly and threw down a handwritten note. She stormed off deeper into the house, leaving the note for Domeric. He picked up the piece of paper and read it to himself.

Char, I did as you asked. Don’t fuck me over. – Ben Bones

Ultimate Tag List (People who wished to be tagged in EVERY work I post.)

@angelicshinigami @sugarwastaken @carilov09 @i-theredqueen@sleepylunarwolf  @loki-0fasgard @sterwild

Ramsay Tag List (People who wish to be tagged in everything Ramsay Bolton related)

@boltonblade @sj-thefan @sunshinesydney@drunkenpoets@antiscocialfanwarrior@fnnexua @parkerplexed  @fraueninflammen

If you wish to be added, removed, or switched from any taglists, only ask friend!

[silmarillionwritersguild]

Holiday Feast - The final round-up

Happy New Year! Our holiday feast challenge came to an end on January 10. We hope you all had a good start to 2019. Thank you for sticking with us through 2018! We′re looking forward to discussing, enjoying and sharing our excitement for the Legendarium and for Silmarillion fanfiction with you in this new year. In this final round-up, we′re going to give you the answers to the scavenger hunt for the Starter course and celebrate the participants who joined our little feast by reading, commenting, writing stories and meta, or producing fanart and playlists. Thanks for joining us – we hope you enjoyed your meal!

Reading

For the starter course, we gave you a couple of first lines to search. Participants didn′t have to find them all, but discover at least one and read the corresponding chapter (or work). For everyone who didn′t manage to hunt down all of them and is curious, here are the answers:

There was a cold wind blowing off the North Star when they got near the world’s edge, and the chilly spray of the waterfalls splashed over them. ~Roverandom, Chapter 4

In that time were made those things that afterwards were most renowned of all the works of the Elves. ~The Silmarillion, "Of the Silmarils and the Unrest of the Noldor"

’Well, master, we’re in a fix and no mistake,’ said Sam Gamgee. ~The Two Towers, "The Taming of Sm��agol"

In the South from sleep | to swift fury / a storm was stirred, | striding northward / over leagues of water | loud with thunder / and roaring rain | it rushed onward. ~The Fall of Arthur, III

Ægidius de Hammo was a man who lived in the midmost parts of the Island of Britain. ~Farmer Giles of Ham

It is said that Beren and Lúthien returned to the northern lands of Middle-earth, and dwelt together for a time as living man and woman; and they took up again their mortal form in Doriath. ~The Silmarillion, "Of the Fifth Battle: Nirnaeth Arnoediad"

In the days of the Dark Kings, when a man could still walk dry-shod from the Rising of the Sun to the Sea of its setting, there lived in the fenced town of his people in the green hills of Agar an old man, by name Hazad Longbeard. ~The Peoples of Middle-earth, "Tal-Elmar"

Grundy, Zdenka, Independence1776, StarSpray and Nienna have let us know that they′ve completed the full Reading menu. Great job! Mysterious_jedi completed the cheese course. Well done!

Commenting

Of course, everybody who commented on at least one of the fanworks created for this challenge took a nibble of the cheese course for this aspect of the menu. Accordingly, Silver Trails, StarSpray, Kimaracretak, Himring, Gabriel, CeeCee, BaileyBoyBee, Dawn Felagund, Oshun and yours truly have already earned a Commenting stamp for this challenge.

Grundy, Zdenka, Independence1776 and Nienna have managed to complete the entire Commenting menu. Again, congratulations! If you, too, have completed one of the Reading or Commenting prompts – or even completed all five courses – and we′ve somehow missed it or you haven′t told us yet, please drop us a comment here or on LJ, send us an ask or mail us at moderator@silmarillionwritersguild.org.

***

We were hoping for a splendid array of responses for our Artwork, Meta and Writing prompts, and you did not disappoint. 38 pieces have been newly created for these aspects of the challenge – a spectacular holiday buffet that we present you now. If you enjoy an author's work, please consider dropping them a comment to let them know!

Artwork

Starter:

Gil-galad with Palantír  by hennethgalad.

"They’re out there." - first line of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest". (digital art)

Arien/Ilmarë Playlist by Nienna324.

It is a little harder to fit the prompts with fanmixes, but it sort of fits in three ways. One, some of it takes place before or in the beginning of time. Two, it could be thought of as the start of a relationship or at least a few of the songs are. And three, my prompt for this course was "It was a pleasure to burn"-Ray Bradbury. This made me think of Fëanor, but also Arien.

Fish:

Tropical Waters Uinen by Hrymfaxe (watercolour)

Temperate Waters Uinen by Hrymfaxe (watercolour)

Númenor Playlist by Nienna324.

A Youtube playlist for the Art challenge of the Holiday Feast Fish Course.(fanmix)

Main:

Never Fade Away by Nienna324.

A Youtube playlist for the rebellion and exile of the Noldor. (fanmix)

Dessert:

And She Might Know Me Well by Kimaracretak.

This mix is dedicated to Elleth, the one who got me into the world of Tolkien-fandom-on-the-internet in the first place. She requested something with Goldberry femslash, because "eldritch river spirits are always good". A Goldberry/Lady of the Blue Brooch sad eldritch ex-girlfriends mix, set in my AU where the Lady becomes a Black Rider! (fanmix)

Maglor and the Twins Playlist by Nienna324.

A gift for independence1776. (fanmix)

Cheese:

Beren and Lúthien Playlist by Nienna324.

I know Beren and Lúthien were listed for the reading challenge, but as far as "scene that you think they would ham up the most" is concerned this would be it, so I think it fits either way. (fanmix)

Meta

Starter:

A New Day: The Dawn of the Second Age by Grundy.

While the Silmarillion includes the Akallabêth, and an account of the line of Elros is included in the Unfinished Tales, very little is written about the early years of the Second Age. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast")

Fish:

Naming the Sea-Elves by Grundy.

The text is concerned primarily with the Noldor and presents most events from their point of view. Nowhere is this more readily apparent than in the treatment of the third group of elves to undertake the Great Journey – first named as the ‘Teleri’. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast") Main:

Blinded by the Light by Grundy.

If there is one thing that stands out about the Noldor, it is how important light is to them. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast")

Fate and Free Will in Arda by Lyra.

An informal bibliography with tongue-in-cheek commentary.

Dessert:

Sugar in Middle-earth by Grundy.

We don’t have much to base our knowledge on in the First or Second Ages, but The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings give glimpses of the food of late Third Age Middle-earth, including sweet dishes and desserts. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast")

Sweet Speculations by Grundy.

Random headcanon that may or may not be in any way defensible. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast")

Cheese:

What It Says On The Tin by Grundy.

I searched out all mentions of cheese I could find in the books. (Part of the Collection "Food for Thought: A Meta Feast")

Writing

Starter:

Moments of Healing by eris_of_imladris.

Nerdanel receives comfort and healing from an unexpected source.

The season will not wait by quillingmesoftly.

Elwing does paperwork.

All That May Become by Grundy.

After the Sack of Eregion, the situation for the elves is dire. Celeborn's army is on the verge of being caught by Sauron when unexpected help arrives.

Negotiations by arafinwean.

Haleth looks at Caranthir and wonders what he's lost.

A Trace of Light by Silver Trails.

Glorfindel misses his cousins and feels lonely after Fëanor is exiled to Formenos.

Lovely, Dark and Deep by StarSpray.

Elwë gets sidetracked on his way to visit Finwë.

Fish:

From Sleep to Swift Fury by Raiyana.

Ossë's rebellion.

Missing the Past by StarSpray.

"But no, it is not ruins or pottery I am interested in. They told me that Maglor was living on Himling." (also covers some Main Course themes)

Times of Change by hennethgalad.

Ereinion Gil-galad sets out for the Falas.

Long Time Passing by Grundy.

Eärwen's thoughts on a journey to Alqualondë prior to the War of Wrath.

Music and Song by Silver Trails.

Little Maglor hears Omar's and Salmar's music for the first time in his life.

Main:

Kinship by hennethgalad.

Gil-galad, Idril Celebrindal and Celebrimbor meet on the Isle of Balar.

By Any Other Name by Grundy.

After the Sack of Eregion, Celebrían is trying to reach the valley where her father's forces have taken refuge. The situation is grim until she gets some unexpected help.

Light and Darkness by Silver Trails.

Caranthir and Aegnor meet again after the crossing of the Helcaraxë.

Dessert:

Yule 3018 by hennethgalad.

The Fellowship have just left Imladris... (for anneway-nithiniel)

The Dance of the Lights by Narya.

Aredhel and Egalmoth share a quiet moment on the Grinding Ice. (for Tolkien Secret Santa 2018)

Smoldering by Grundy.

Finrod discovers at least one family feud he'd hoped was settled hasn't been laid to rest yet. (for gabriel-seven)

The King′s Peace by Idrils Scribe.

In the dead of Hithlum's icy winter, a battered Maedhros restores what peace he can to himself and his people, much to his brothers' chagrin. (for Dawn Felagund)

Still a Child by Silver Trails.

Findekáno wants to go out and meet his cousins. (for Mor2904)

Cheese:

Ode to Gil-galad. by hennethgalad.

Cheesy ode for the cheese course of Holiday Feast.

The Cheese Stands Alone by Grundy.

The twins thought Arwen would enjoy the lesson on Beren and Luthien. They were rather surprised...

Writing a Song by Silver Trails.

Daeron reflects about love and time. Maglor tries to help him.

As you can see, Nienna324 has created a fanmix for every course of the Artwork menu and Silver Trails has written a piece of fic for all five Writing course.

Hennethgalad has created content for every course across different prompt sets.

Grundy, on top of her achievements in Reading and Commenting, has written an amazing six pieces of meta and five stories for the Meta and Writing menues. Awesome work!

***

Whether you felt inspired to comment, read or create, and whether you created several pieces or one, we′d like to thank you for joining our holiday feast! We hope you had fun and found something to your tastes. And if you were too busy to take part in this or any of the previous challenges, take heart! As we already announced in our newsletter, the January challenge will be dedicated to beginning another year of creative accomplishment on the right foot. For our first challenge of 2019, participants can choose to complete any of the previous year's challenges. Did you miss a challenge you wanted to complete? Do it now. Did you start a fanwork for a challenge but never completed it? Here is your chance to finish. If you didn't leave any unrealized or unfinished projects behind you (congratulations!), choose from any previous prompt and start the year by creating a new fanwork. You will receive a stamp on your 2018 collection for any 2018 challenges that you complete now, as well as a stamp for this challenge on your 2019 collection. So this is your chance to catch up on challenges that you didn′t manage to fulfil last year!

The official announcement will be posted on January 15. See you then!

[trialtribandtestimony]

His Mercy

A lot of the time we find ourselves asking, "is there really hope for that person?". Usually not thought aloud, but we can see someone so deep in despair it's almost impossible to imagine them any other way. When I look back on my life, that's how I view where I was at.

What was my life like before Christ? Well defining what that means is difficult. Honestly my story starts even before my birth. I was conceived out of wedlock and I was born to my mother when both of my parents were 19. A wedding was set in place before my birth but was canceled at the last second by the grace of God. My mother had been made aware of how disgusting a man my father, Michael, really was and didn't even want him in the room when I was born quite understandably.

Of course when I was born many a court case took place. My last name, custody rights, and etc. My mother was genuinely scared for my safety, along with my grandparents, because my father already was a drug user. The judge decided that, and he stated, my father would "grow out of it", and granted him visitation. The judge was wrong, and this decision has affected my life ever since. But I believe that this decision was not an accident, I don't believe God's plan is an accident at all. He works all things for good.

Despite the chaos of events when I was a baby, my early childhood years were not anything particularly bad. All of my special talents started emerging, I loved to act, sing, and paint. I had a vast inner world which still exists. I was quite outrageous and special to my family, out of a difficult situation I felt like a blessing. I would sing to strangers in the grocery store and capture the heart of everyone I met. I was saved at four years old, my grandmother genuinely believing I knew what I was asking for and I believe she was right. That's why my testimony really isn't about my life "before" Christ. He died on the sins for all of the world, my name was written in the book of life before the earth was set in motion, Jesus was always there because according to Calvinism (a philosophy I heavily agree with) he knew the decision I would make to follow him. Unfortunately tragic events would make me question that decision in a few years to come.

When I became about 8 years old it seemed like everything started hitting me at once from every possible angle. My mother would get divorced from her husband whom was the father of my sister. My third grade teacher noted to my mother that every-time id come home from Michael's house I would become extremely pale. I physically started to become extremely thin. At this age my father's controlling tendencies consumed him and increasingly became worse. He would force me to watch demonic horror movies, I'd cry because of how traumatizing it would be and tell my mom, but unfortunately she didn't have much control over those things which terrified me. My mom was always my superhero, and realizing that not even my mom could protect me rocked my world. I believe this is the time period he started using heavier drugs, but many memories are fuzzy and still blocked out to this day. This is when his behavior became worse, but the true intentions and twisted behavior started to appear. He pawned all of my Christmas presents, begged people for money on the street, stole children's bikes for drug money

How did I cope with feeling utterly powerless? I became obsessed with weather. I would check the weather on my computer every day before school. I recall writing a goodbye letter to my mother during a storm in third grade one day because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was consumed in fear and weather was the only way my child brain could rationalize it.

Another difficulty at this age was that I had undiagnosed ADHD. I have type two, which is inattentive, which means I'm not hyperactive, just deeply consumed in my own world at all times. I have always felt I was on autopilot about 75% of my life. A combination of both adhd and anxiety meant I failed to thrive at school. I had to sit out during recess every day because I couldn't do my homework. That's when I remember first feeling depression in my life. So because I had to sit out, and visitation every other weekend with my father, I was not socialized at all. In fact, when I was at my father's house I wasn't allowed to even play with my cousins. I remember looking out the window crying and crying because I was not allowed to go into the backyard on the trampoline. Ever. I still suffer with social integration, I've always wanted many friends and to talk to people, and I know what to say but it always comes out odd to me. I missed out on fun adventures and bonding with kids my age, and that lead to me never really having any friendships, honestly to this day I'm still not sure how to make friends which is horribly embarrassing to me and always was. The one time I was allowed to have a birthday party at Michael's house, a few friends from my elementary school came to a pool party I had. We jumped on the trampoline in our bathing suits, as Michael pulled out a random camera to take pictures. My step mom told him it was odd but he wouldn't stop taking pictures of me and my friends.

This would continue into middle school, when the abuse also started to happen. At first in my elementary years it was psychological. "Always make sure to lock your doors, someone will break in and kill you", I can still hear my father say over and over. Forcing me to watch the lovely bones, a movie about a girl getting kidnapped and molested as I panicked watching it as a young child in absolute fear. Now he became physically and sexually abusive as well as psychological. What went along with this was people being invited to friend's sleepovers which I was NEVER allowed to attend, and watching other kids my age form groups as I sat alone for lunch every day.

Around this time I recall starting to self harm, I didn't even really know what it meant at that point. I would get a comb and scrape my arms with it just to relieve intense fear I experienced. I had frequent stomach aches, not knowing what the concept of anxiety even was. I was skinny, pale, and always felt sick. I barely ever ate. My two younger siblings were born and he threatened to throw them down the stairs, and often neglected them. When my stepmom would leave for work I had to change their diapers and feed them. If I didn't, Michael would let them sit in their filth all day. One of my brothers developed selective mutism from the abuse and fear caused by Michael. I tried to care for them as much as a 10 year old could.

In this time period, about 6-7th grade I remember Michael using drugs and alcohol clearly. He would talk to himself while intoxicated and make absolutely no sense. He would claim to see demons, which may have actually been considering his involvement with psychics and satanic movies and music and necrophilia he watched. This is when the actual event of molestation happened but I will save the gory details on that. He would often tell my stepmother at the time odd and inappropriate remarks about my appearance as I grew older, and that I would grow up to be a prostitute. One time I wore skinny jeans and he talked to me for hours about how inappropriate that was and what boys at school would think. I was not allowed to wear shorts that were above my knees or any colorful clothing.

At this point I found a youth group I loved. I was supposed to see Michael on Wednesday nights, but I told him I just wouldn't go. He'd have to move it. So he demanded I see him Tuesday AND Thursday instead. I said fine, because this feeling I got from God is something I'd never had before in my life. I remember listening to "How He Loves" and bawling my eyes out as my father sent threatening texts to my mom. I brought a friend that night, and somehow he found her parent's phone number and called them saying that my mother took us to church on his visitation time. Because of his psychotic actions she was no longer allowed to hang out with me. But just in that chaotic moment and listening to the song "How He Loves", That became God's love song to me, and he has played it during significant times in my life ever since. God gave me this comfort that I could cling to, a comfort of hymns and nursery rhymes and bible stories like I had as a child. I experienced His absolute precious love which is just inexplicable.

During this time the abuse increasingly became worse with the drug use. He would drive me and my siblings around drunk in the middle of the night. He would stalk me as I slept and never really leave me alone. He would walk into the bathroom and stay in there while I showered. At this point I had developed severe depression and anxiety. All I could think about was escape. I escaped with boyfriends and art and music. I had one boyfriend who my father found out was African American, and called his number leaving a message of racial slurs on my phone to his number. A phone my mother bought me that he stole from me when I tried to bring it with me to his house.

My mom called CPS (again) when I told her I'd kill myself, (at age 11), if I ever had to see Michael again. There was not enough evidence to support a case so it was dropped. I prayed and prayed, and mentors in my life had prayed for me as well. This may sound odd but I could feel certain times where they currently prayed for me. And then, a miracle happened. Michael signed over his rights.

My family on his side no longer talked to me. During this time my ex stepmom divorced Michael and took my two brothers and had a restraining order filed. My family on that side didn't support her, and I was not in contact with her yet, she was forced to live in a shelter for a while because of the absolute neglect on my father's side of the family. Luckily now we got back in contact and she is my absolute best friend and I get to see my brothers whenever I please. But back to the fact that they divorced- Michael had an arrest record made public online of his drug use. It was getting worse. He became homeless, voluntarily living on the streets, but still using payphones to harass my mother and ex stepmom. He would steal pictures from my mother's Facebook of me and say, "she has my eyes" and post them online, which still haunts me. He would threaten to break in or harm us, and he threatened to kill his own parent's dog. His mother tried to get in contact with me, she told my mom that he got into an accident, looking for sympathy or something. The accident was that he overdosed on drugs. They claimed he fell off a bridge, but later confirmed to me it was drug related

The one friend I did have was my cousin, who to this day has no communication with me. She was my only friend when I had none. Even after my mom trying to make contact, and seeing them at my grandfather's funeral, no one believed my story of abuse.

I thought my pain was over. I was FREE. I could forever live with my mom and go to church and have friends. Unfortunately it just didn't turn out that ideally.

I still had depression and anxiety. It didn't go away. I still didn't know how to make friends, I started to become bullied and changed schools frequently. Now the suicidal ideation would come to play at age 13-14. I still believed in God but I just felt so hopeless. I believe the only reason I never fully attempted suicide was because the Holy Spirit left this lingering light in my heart. It was inexplicable, but it was there. Something just told me to look up to the heavens, no matter how dim and dreary the sky may be.

Despite this hope my mind was broken. I started my 9th grade year in an outpatient school, where I met my therapist who has been a gift from God. This school was for high risk suicidal adolescents, no phones were allowed and we were patted down on the daily. It was quite dreary but here I learned about coping skills and boundaries which were crucial for me to learn, I still didn't get the concept for a few years and honestly I'm still improving on these things. I was quite codependent on boyfriends I had and didn't know how to talk myself down from panic attacks that produced frequent vomiting and dizziness almost daily.

After outpatient I went to high school, but not much changed. I felt so alone, even with the few friends I did have. I felt like no one really still understood me, I felt suicidal again and went to inpatient. This honestly didn't change much for me, and I had to go to inpatient again not long after. It's basically just 24 hour supervision for high risk patients.

I just couldn't cope with feelings of isolation and not receiving the love I would find in Christ. I hopped from relationships which made me feel even worse, although I regret nothing and I learned quite a lot, some of which as a teen produced lifelong friends. I started to hurt other people, something I NEVER wanted to do in my wildest dreams. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I started experimenting with different things and engaging in risky behavior. I just kept trying to fill the hole in the pit of my stomach. On a bad trip I had with a drug I tried, I had to go to the hospital. I never was addicted to drugs but recreationally tried things at parties which I shouldn't have dabbled with, but God used it to bring me back to him. All I remember with this trip is feeling so far from God and so so scared. No thoughts went through my head and I thought I would have a seizure. My mind was completely blank. When the ambulance arrived I sobbed as I called my grandfather and family to meet me. Their disappointment was the worst thing I would ever face in my life. The still loved me, but they were heartbroken. In the ride to the hospital I cried out to the EMT, "is God going to forgive me?" It's all I could ask as I sobbed and violently shook. He told me God will always love me in response, and I will always be grateful for the sensitive nature of that man, I could almost start bawling while even writing this. The sedative they gave me was supposed to make me forget but I never forgot that man's kindness.

You would think this would revert me right back to God but not entirely. I faced YEARS of abuse, and it would take years to know who I even really was, being allowed to be myself. I never tried anything like that and will never again, but then codependency reared it's ugly face into my life. Luckily in this time period though I still searched for God and prayed to Him. I read a book called The Shack which forever changed my view on Him, (highly recommend it.). I felt the Holy Spirit in my life but I couldn't let go of the control I needed. So what did I do? I ran.

First I ran to a new school. It was an alternative school but you could go at your own pace. For once I could do work in the way my brain functioned and I made A's, and graduated at 16 years old. I then went to cosmetology school, swicthed schools again, and finished it out even though the environment there was extremely toxic and self-indulgent in an appareance and narcissistic way that I started to loathe. During this time my paternal grandfather passed away. I attended the funeral along with my stepmother and brothers, mother and sister. We weren't allowed to sit with the family during the funeral. My paternal grandfather was extremely racist and homophobic, and also a Baptist Sunday school teacher. The whole funeral they bragged about how godly he was. I just wanted to shout "if only you knew the vile disgusting secrets of this family!" But God gave me the grace to be respectful during this time, so I was silent. When my father was notified of his father's passing, he stated "I'm hungry. I want Arby's." Shortly after the funeral my paternal grandmother took me out for my 18th birthday to Chili's. I thought this was a time to reconcile, so I accepted trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. During the dinner she tried to claim it was my fault Michael turned out this way, and it was horrible of me to not speak to them before my grandfather's passing and not to see Michael after the "accident". She said a phrase I've heard all throughout my life. "You need to forgive and move on." How could I possibly move on from a thorn that grew with me as I aged? This pain had become who I was. But I told her the honest truth. "I did forgive him long ago. I wish no harm upon him. It's just unsafe for me to speak to him." She couldn't grasp the concept of forgiving at a distance, which is something very important to learn, and it helped me move on in a sense, but some tragedies cannot just be forgotten. After that she has tried to make contact with me, but I have not spoken to her. This decision was not because I have any ill intentions towards her, I really hope she gets help. I just can't be the one to help her learn about boundaries, and she shows no remorse for her involvement and defense of Michael. I don't need an apology but I feel that would be necessary to move on in a relationship with her, just so I know she wouldn't be toxic for my health and well-being.

I moved out of Texas to Colorado with my parents. I felt alone, so I ran to Chicago at age 18 with a man I barely knew. Then something just clicked. I will never get this love and attention I seek from a human being, it's just not possible. I moved back to Texas and jumped into another relationship even with knowing this information. I wanted to date around but on the first date I fell absolutely in love.

This person often ignored me and abandoned me for days, yet all I could do was try to make him love me for so long. I would sit in my room and sob. Who could help me? Not a hospital, not a drug, not even my own family or myself. After he broke up with ME, (thank God because I wouldn't have broken up with him at the time), I started going back to church and I found a job. I became a hard worker and just started to seek God and pray everyday. What's to lose? My skepticism and cynical heart started to burn off like deadwood.

This job became extremely stressful, so I sought God even more (along with returning to see my therapist who I saw for years). One night after a particularly stressful Wednesday afternoon a call was made to the altar, and something just told me to go. I asked my grandma to go with me though because I was too scared to go alone, which she did. I started sobbing because once again, God spoke to me. "Why don't you trust me like you did when you were a child? Don't you know I will hold you? Just lean on me, I won't disappoint you.". I figured hey I had nothing to lose, and decided to take that risk.

I met a pastor at my church named Dr.Marti, and started many amazing friendships as I was prayed over after a service of other's testimonies. Dr.Marti stayed many prophetic things about me that night and wanted me to take part in Bethesda School Of Ministry, which I desperately wanted to do, but was unable to because of my job. Then came a blessing in disguise- I was let go from the job. When I was let go I asked God "what am I supposed to do?, I know you work all things for good and this has some kind of meaning but what do I take from this?" , and I heard a clear voice state "remain in me". Odd. Not a way I'd word something in my head, quite frankly I didn't understand. The next day on my Bible app a scripture I didn't recall every reading was John 15:4 "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." Needless to say I was shocked. I see now I lost this job in order to take part in ministry school at Bethesda while I could. I learned not only how to minister to others, but these codependent tendencies were restored into learning about healthy boundaries and how to be happy AND alone with God. (Also confirmed by Dr.Marti who stated she had a feeling God wanted me to be like a nun for a while. I laughed because if only she knew how true I knew that was.) So many behaviors in my life started to change, along with perspectives. I became patient, enduring, developed a sound mind, and fruits of the spirit. I learned not how to be normal, but how to find my unique identity in Jesus. The raw, blunt yet sensitive, fighting-for-the-underdog, intellectual, philosopher, artistic yet gentle and kind person I was designed to be.

In the school of ministry one night I remember asking God to heal me, to make me who I was meant to truly be at last. I love God's sense of humor. Dr.Marti after giving a message on healing that Sunday night called all of the students to pray over anyone who needed it. I was shaking in my flats. I'd NEVER done that before. As soon as she called us, I heard a voice from God which made me laugh in awe. He said "You will be healed not by being anointed with oil, but by anointing others with oil." This symbolism showed that when I take the first step to seek God He will reward me and I will be made available to find His presence even more, which heals and delivers. I prayed for an elderly man, spilled a little too much oil on his face as it almost dripped in his eye, and smudged it in with my thumb sheepishly and cracked up about it later, but it was such a sweet moment.

So through God healing me, what's changed? Well, I still have depression and anxiety, and adhd. Could God deliver me from it? Yes. Will He? Maybe. But if it's in His will I carry these things so I serve others and am reminded to think about myself less and others more, than these things will remain until I'm given my new body and these illnesses did with my old body. However, my daily vomiting panic attacks turned into at most bi-monthly anxiety attacks, and suicidal ideations turned into bouts of random melancholy. After being told I functioned at a rate of 15% out of 100% at a mental hospital, and being told be a psychologist he's surprised I still function in society and haven't lost my sanity is pretty astonishing. When I told the psychologist my backstory he was amazed I was still standing, and quite frankly so am I. I believe with my whole heart it's only by the grace of God, and the help of my unconditional loving and supporting friends and family. I have a new job at the church daycare which I love, and I would like to pay off cosmetology school debt and start college soon to continue healing other's through Jesus's name and prayer like He called me to do in more abstract means like psychology, reaching every kind of person there is, innocent children or addicts and thieves.

I was promised life more abundantly and that promise was fulfilled more than I could ever imagine. God gave me impossible endurance, yet didn't make my heart cold and cynical despite all of life's circumstances, I give all glory to Him for always keeping me close and loving me no matter what. I don't know where we'll go together in the future, but as long as God is with me I will march on, praising Him for his one million "second" chances and grace. I feel that my "rebirth" was more of a process. It didn't happen overnight, but over a long stretch of time. I feel I have the freedom to actually chose who to be and what I want to do, and I am so grateful for this new chapter in my life.

[toomanysurveys9]

Has the last person you kissed met your father? the last person i kissed was my son and he has met his grandfather. he lives with us. and jacob has obviously met him too (he’s the last person i kissed romantically). What’s your favourite breed of dog? i love my brother’s akita. but i tend to fall for the mixed breeds. that’s what both of my dogs are. Who is the first person you saw this morning? jacob and wyatt. What would you like to do right now? i don’t know. drink something maybe?

What was the last thing that was on your wrist? i don’t remember. maybe a hair tie? Do you think more about the past, present or future? probably the present these days. just taking it all day by day. When was the last time you spoke to your brother? sunday night before they left our house. Are you outgoing or more reserved? more reserved for sure. Can money buy happiness? eh. not complete happiness, but money can definitely help a lot with some things.. What was the last thing you drank? a glass of water.

Do you swear in front of your parents? my mom i don’t care. but i don’t in front of my dad really because i know he doesn’t like it. When you say you don’t care, do you mean it? not always. Do you know anyone who has messed up your life? just me. Honestly have you kissed someone of the same sex this week? i have not. Who knows you better than you know yourself? i don’t know that anyone knows me that well. not anymore. Have you ever kissed a blonde haired blue eyed person? i have not. Who last texted you? jasmin. Do you listen to music when you’re down? i listen to a lot less music these days. but sometimes. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? we’re married and i’m pregnant with our second child. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant to the last person you kissed? we’re going to go with the last person i kissed romantically, which is jacob, and i am pregnant by him. Will your next kiss be a mistake? nope. Have you ever stayed in a hotel? quite a few times. Have you ever dated someone who was not good to you? yeah. jacob has his moments.. Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn’t mean it? probably... Have you ever been cheated on? yeah. towards the beginning of our relationship, jacob cheated on me with his ex. it was just a kiss, otherwise i never would have stayed. Are promises important to you? not really anymore. they always get broken. What’s a fact about the last person who texted you? she’s married to my cousin, scott. Doesn’t it drive you nuts when people think they ‘need’ to have a bf/gf? a little, sure. but i mean. whatever. it’s their life. What is one thing you spend way too much money on? my kids. lol. If you could have something right now, what would it be? someone to hang out with. friends. Are you texting anyone? no. no one talks to me anymore. Do you find it hard to trust others? i do. and i think it’s just going to keep getting worse. Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? yeah. i’m okay for the most part. Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing? yeah. i wear jacob’s shirts a lot. Are you slowly drifting away from someone? it seems like it... Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? most people, yes. but not everyone. Does anyone know your passwords other than you? jacob might. i have gave them to him before. with the exception of my tumblr. that is only mine. What was the last thing you spent money on? lunch stuff for jacob. Are your nails done? they are not. they very rarely are done. How many people have you kissed in this month? jacob and wyatt. Hug anyone last night? wyatt. Who are you talking to? no one at the moment. every now and then, i talk to lilli and wyatt. What’s your middle name? dee after my mom’s foster mom. Where will you be 12 hours from now? in bed. unless i’m in the bathroom. but probably bed. Does the person you like, like you back? i don’t know. i know i go through this a lot. but i just. don’t know. i want to say he does, since we’re married and pregnant with our second... but i don’t know. Where’s your girlfriend/boyfriend at? i’m married, and he’s probably headed home from work but i never really know for sure. Can you make yourself cry? i can’t cry on demand. Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color? it’s all my natural hair color. What color are your socks? not wearing any. Who have you texted in the last 24 hours? jasmin, jacob, kayla, and erin. Do you like someone? i... yeah.. i still do. Current mood? okay. kinda feeling blah a little. but i’m okay. Who were you with Friday night? family, minus jacob. was celebrating lilli’s birthday. Were you in a good mood last night? i was in an okay mood, but kind of felt hurt. i get tired of doing everything on my own. i know jacob works almost every day for us, but he does nothing with wy. i’m raising wy pretty much all on my own, and it’s going to be the same i’m sure when ellie is here. and i kind of wanted jacob to go with us to the store because he’s literally done nothing with us in a very long time. but he didn’t. and he never does. we barely talk. we barely have a relationship at this point... we’re just roommates who share soon to be two kids and have sex occasionally when he feels like it. What should you be doing right now? nothing. Do you have a reason to smile right now? wyatt and ellie always give me reason. Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? yeah. Would you hug the last person that you hugged again (besides family)? i don’t know who i last hugged that was not family. Where did you sleep three nights ago? i slept on the couch for awhile, but then i went to my own bed after jon and jake were done playing ark. Have you argued with anyone today? nope. Are you ready for kids? i am going to have two in november, and i already have one, so i better be. lol. What do you tend to drink a lot of? lately, water. although i’ve barely been drinking anything... Is there someone you can spend every minute with and be happy? wyatt. he’s my only happiness.. Have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? yeah. Finish the sentence: A relationship cannot work without ____ time together and communication.. Do you have any friends? i hope so. i think kayla is just going through some stuff so we haven’t been talking as much. Who was the last person you gave your number to? i don’t know. erin put my number in her friend kayla’s phone, if that counts. Are you married? i am. Who are you texting? no one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? obviously. What if someone asked you to be in a relationship with them? i’d say no since i’m married to jake. What is your hair looking like right now? i haven’t brushed it so not great, but it has looked worse. What woke you up this morning? jacob’s alarm, and then wyatt. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? depends. but generally, rainy. Blue or orange? blue. i don’t like orange much. Who made you cry last? jacob. What do you regret doing anything lately? nothing comes to mind. Last person you had a fight with? i don’t know. i haven’t really fought with anyone. you have to care to do that. Where were you 2 hours ago? upstairs in my bedroom with wy. Do you eat breakfast? when i’m pregnant, i do. Do you have plans for tomorrow? we might go to the fair, but i’m sure my mom is going to back out so no. Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? When was it? i can. i currently do. Will you be in a relationship in the next month? yeah. Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? doubt it. unless jacob decides to call. Have you ever trusted someone too much? story of my life. Have you ever made someone cry? i probably have. Believe in love at first sight? as a mom, yes. but not the romantic kind. Ever dated two people at once? i have not. Who is your last missed call from? my sixteen year old sister, erin. Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? the very last person? no. he’s my son. What do you do before you go to bed? get wyatt to sleep. it’s usually a lot of flipping sides, and he occasionally will still nurse. but he nurses a lot less so we’re getting closer! Do you wake up to a good morning text? nope. Have you ever had to block anyone online? yeah. a handful of time. Do you miss anything? i do but it doesn’t matter. Are you okay with the life you live? for the most part, yes. How did you get your last bruise? i honestly don’t know. probably hit my leg on something. It’s 4 in the morning and someone is throwing rocks at your window, who? no one i would know. Where were you around 3 PM yesterday? i was at home. napping with wyatt. Where were you at 1:30am? in bed, sleeping. Last time you got a text message and smiled? i don’t remember. Do you regret kissing anyone you have kissed? not really, no. Are you in a relationship? i am. Have you ever made a boy cry? yeah. Are you afraid of thunder and lightning? not generally. Are you scared of ending up alone? not really. more afraid of if something happened to make us split up, he’s already made it known that the house, cars, and basically everything is all his. which is fine. all i need is my kids. but he said he’d take them too... he can’t even take care of wyatt now... Did you sleep alone last night? nope. with wyatt and jacob. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? noooo. Have you ever dyed your hair? it’s been a very long time, but yes. Are you currently looking forward to anything? november or october, whenever ellie makes her appearance. How often do you hold back what you want to say? alllll the time. Is the last person you kissed older than you? nope. Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place? i hope so.

[nai-was-here]

A story (typed fast and unedited)

now that it’s over with. I️ can kind of speak on it. It’s rough for me. But I’m going to. Im writing this out. a family member of mine recently betrayed me and the rest of his family. he was my idol, my role model but maybe somewhere in this past year he got caught up in a depression that twisted his morality and ideals. that doesn’t justify his actions though.

I️ was worried about him. my other family members were worried too, having noticed some of the things he’d been doing. he’s a married man and this man was acting very out of character. he was being seen out with younger women, and people had begun to suspect that he doing things behind his wife’s back. my family noticed this behavior and brought it to my attention. out of respect and love for this man, my idol, I️ ignorantly dismissed my family’s concerns saying that there’s no way he would cheat on his family, his wife and children. No way in hell he’d be that dumb.

one day, randomly an old friend comes up to me and asks me about my relationship with one of my ex girlfriends. I️t confused the fuck out of me. Why was my friend asking about my ex? Apparently there was a rumor going around that my family member was cheating on his wife with her. I️ asked my old friend where they were getting there information from and apparently this was all on Facebook. I️ still was skeptical. I️ hit my cousins up to see if they knew anything about this. apparently from what my cousins could gather, my family member took in my ex as understudy where he taught her about the music scene. This all sounded very vague and extremely suspicious. I️ felt some kind of way and so did my cousins.

My cousins felt like I️ should be the one to speak to him about his recent actions and see if he’s okay because I️ have the best relationship with him. I️ understand him, he understands me. So I️ reached out to my family member to put to rest all of the allegations. When I️ reached out I️ could almost already sense a shift or change in energy. It made me nauseous. When I️ reached out to him it was as if he already knew why I️ was there. I️ asked if I️ could come over and talk to him about things. Instead he said it’d be better if he came to my house and explained.

When he got here (an hour later than the time we agreed on) he smelled like he’d been drinking and smoking. He sat down we laughed a little, caught up on somethings going on my life and what not but we soon ran out of things to talk about. I️ didn’t want to have the conversation but I️ knew it had to happen now or it wouldn’t happen at all. I️ told him about our families concerns and he was very transparent almost too transparent. He told me I️ had nothing to worry about. When I️ brought up my ex and the Facebook post the air in the room changed. I️ had never seen this man nervous before but I️ knew what to expect. He talked fast and never once looked me in the eye. He told me that he took my ex under his wing to teach her about the music scene and how to host events and shows. He said there had been a lot of misconceptions because they were seen out together a lot. I️ paused.

I️f your reading this right now I️ want you to keep something in mind. This man basically raised me. He was my father figure. This is the man I️ shaped my life around and is large part of my identity. I️ know him well and the only person who knows him better is his wife. My ex knew who he was to me and how important this man was in my life. These two knew each other through me. All of what he was saying was awkward to hear. I️ let him go on tangent, and soon his story started to get really suspicious. I️ don’t know if he realized it but he started talking about how he “left clothes over at her place”, “would come over in the middle of the night” and would “smoke and drink together all of the time”. This was an obvious red flag. I️ stopped his story to interject. I️ told him about my ex. I️ reminded told him why we broke up. My ex is very manipulating and very ruthless and is outright dangerous to put it plain and simple. I️ told him not to underestimate her and as soon as I️ said that he slipped up.

He started calling my ex crazy, brash and all sorts of names. He told me that she was stealing from him, calling him leaving crazy voicemails. Finally he told me that my ex planned on blackmailing him to his wife. I️ stopped. I️ knew my ex, she had done some very horrible things that did back up this story, but one thing didn’t add up. Sure my ex was evil, sure she was crazy but the one thing she wasn’t, was stupid. She wouldn’t blackmail anyone with information she couldn’t prove. So I️ stopped the conversation. I️ asked him “Were you romantically involved?” He dodged the question and didn’t answer it. He said “things happened” my heart dropped.

I️ knew this game. He was good at dodging these things. The man has a masters in public communication, he knew how lie. I️ got fed up and asked him straight up “did you sleep with my ex girlfriend”. He said yes in the most nonchalant way, and continue on like it was nothing. I️ stopped him again. “Does your wife know” to which he replied “ she knows everything I️ do” I️ stopped. I️ knew that was a lie. I️ stood up. I️ didn’t recognize the man in my living room at that point. The man I️ knew wouldn’t do that to the kid he raised. The man I️ knew wouldn’t cheat on his wife and three young girls. I️ threw him out of my house.

I️n anger I️ told my family what he had done, separately from his wife. He lied the family that I️ was lying and just emotional about something else entirely. That didn’t work to his favor unfortunately because my family knows that this isn’t something I️ would just do out of the blue. I️ spoke with the family. The told me to tell his wife. We had to be delicate about the situation. I️ went over to her house and told her with my aunt there. She took it as well as anyone could take that news.

The next day he lashed out at my family in a group text cussing at everyone in it, not just me but everyone. He didn’t even defend himself. Just acted like a child.

I️ kept in contact with his wife to see if she was okay but soon she stopped talking to me. My cousin told me that his wife didn’t believe me anymore. I️ was shook. So I️ did the one thing I️ ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WANT TO DO. I️ had contacted my ex. It was awkward and horrible but she spilled out everything, she even had letters, emails and poems. I️ gathered the info and tried contacting his wife again but she wouldn’t talk to me. Then randomly my little brother hit the group chat. He was fully aware of everything going on but noticed the holidays were coming and knew we’d all see each other.

Like the real nigga he is he said “so what the hell is good? Thanksgiving is coming up and I️ know we are not about to act like everything is cool when it’s not” to which my family member replied “I️ don’t eat food with people I️ don’t like” my cousins then jumped in calling this awkward and sad. I️ replied saying that I was going to lay everything out on the table and I️ did. I️ dropped the text messages and the letters that my ex gave to me IN the group chat. BOOM

His wife was in there too. I️ was no longer the lair he portrayed me as. I️ feel free from it all. Of course I’m still hurt. This man was my uncle. My uncle on my mother side. He raised me. Taught me everything I️ knew about being a man. But when it mattered most, he couldn’t be one himself...

I️ have to be the man I️ thought he was. I️ have to be a better example. I️ have to be my own role model now. I’m still hurting but I’m better now that I️ know what I’ve got to do.

[allthingsfuckingconsidered-blog]

Scorpion / One Year Later  

To say that Drake has captured mainstream media attention to heights that only dreams are made of is an understatement.  Born Aubrey Graham to Dennis and Sandra Graham in Ontario Drake’s musical roots can be traced directly to his paternal lineage. It was while performing at Club Bluenote in Toronto that Dennis and Sandi first met.   Flash forward to 2018 Drake is one of the worlds biggest stars and anytime he decides to release new music he moves the needle and stops hip hop and sub genres promptly in their tracks.  January 19, 2018 “Scary Hours” the EP was released to digital platforms confirming what many of us had assumed from photos of him in the studio on his instagram page @champagnepapi that Drake had new music to soon share with the world.  At the stroke of midnight we received two new records “God’s Plan” a light hearted song that would end up charting and earn him his fourth Grammy the following year.  Also on the EP was “Diplomatic Immunity” which was straight bars, no hook.  Drake addressed his rumored quick relationship with Jennifer Lopez as well as his light beef with former rapper turned podcast giant Joe Budden.  The video for God’s Plan took off and was one of the years most viewed videos on YouTube it unfortunately drew the ire of some who felt it was all a publicity stunt namely Peter Rosenberg of Hot 97 (click here) .  Skip to April and Drake releases “Nice For What” a ladies anthem with a New Orleans bounce to it with a video featuring some of Hollywood’s leading ladies (Tracie Ellis Ross, Issa Rae, Rashida Jones, Tiffany Haddish, Zoe Saldana and Tara Shahidi to name a few.  It was officially Drake SZN.  Shortly thereafter via instagram tons of celebrities started posting pictures of satin jackets with the title Scorpion on the back and we had our album title.  Now this story is very much Drake’s but there are so many moving parts we must address to understand the final version of Scorpion that we received on June 29th.  Good Music headed by Kanye West which features Drake’s current number one nemesis and Bar Gawd Pusha T were also slated to release a plethora of music during the month of June.  The first shot fired (double entendres) from the G.O.O.D. camp happened to come from Terrence Thornton aka King Push.  “It was written like Nas but it came from Quentin”  from the song Infrared a direct reference to Drake’s alleged ghostwriter Quentin Miller who was credited as a writer on 4 of the standard version of the albums 17 songs (19 total on the physical cd release).  Now remember Meek throwing the ghostwriter allegation out and DJ Drama’s ex wife exposing him as the leak for the reference tracks do to her alimony payment not arriving in her bank account on time put serious chinks in Drizzy’s armor he had no choice but to step up and go toe to toe with Meek.  In the end Drake came out victorious in his war with Meek but there was an underlying beef that was still lying in the weeds.  Drake and Push have been trading barbs since Pusha released “Exodus 23:1″ on May 23rd 2012.  Drake sent subs and some direct shots Pusha’s way after a botched performance with 2 Chainz that didn’t go over too well Drake brought out Titty Boi and stated “that’s how the fuck you bring 2 Chainz out!” also then giving the crowd an inpromptu freestyle “If you was doin' 16s when I was 16, and your shit flopped and you switched teams, don' t talk to me, my nigga!” Ouch, well let’s do the math Drake was born October of 1986 which means he would’ve been 16 in the year 2002 August of that year the debut album by Virginia brothers and rhyme duo The Clipse “Lord Willin” was released featuring arguably one of the most infectious beats in hip hop history (click here).  Yes the same group that featured Pusha T and his older brother Malice who eventually gave his life to the Lord and now is an ordained minister that goes by No Malice.  The duo was under the label Star Trak which is headed by super producers The Neptunes (Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo) who happened to be old neighborhood friends of the Thornton brothers.  So if we are paying attention Drake was 16 when Lord Willin was released.  Pusha would eventually end up on G.O.O.D. Music sometime between 2009 or 2010 the dates still aren't clear.  So in this freestyle without saying his name it was a direct shot at King Push not bad for a former child actor from Canada right? (Don’t sleep Degrassi is a good fucking show! you can watch it here) Ok back to current times sorry I got a bit carried away.  I was in the shower with Pusha’s “Daytona” album playing on my beats pill when I heard the shot thrown at Drake also keep in mind the song that directly precedes “Infrared” on the album is titled “What Would Meek Do?” I swear to you this stuff can’t be made up.  I remember getting out the shower drying off, getting dressed for a doctor’s appointment thanks to my employer (bleh).  I remember texting my cousin asking did you listen to the Pusha album and did you hear that direct fucking dart he sent towards Drake.  We both were under the belief that there was no way he could tip toe around the situation he had to come right for him say his name or give direct references.  I’m sure we’ve all heard “Two Birds, One Stone” where Drake threw subtle jabs at Pusha but nothing direct funny thing is Kid Cudi caught the most direct shot “you were the man on the moon now you just go through your phases” which of course are direct innuendos to the title of Cudi’s debut album and his struggles with mental health.  But his El Chapo bar as nice as it was within the cadence just didn’t hit like the Cudi bar did.  Now keep in mind if you’ve been following all of this in real time on your own time you would’ve heard two responses from Pusha about “Two Birds, One Stone”.  His first stance was “he aint talking about me” Pusha would later recant this statement by saying that “Infrared” was a response to Drake throwing the shot on “Two Birds, One Stone”.  Wait what?  Yes rappers are walking, talking, living, breathing contradictions.  So here we go back to May 25th 2018 the release date for Daytona.  I had gotten back from my doctor’s appointment was scrolling my twitter timeline to find out The Boy had dropped a new song on Soundcloud “Duppy Freestyle”  which is by far my favorite Drake diss of his career.  Truth be told I have to admit I can’t really consider this a full diss to Pusha because there was not really anything Drake said that was detrimental to Push most of the heavy lifting came at the expense of Kanye who Drake felt had played him.  Drake had arrived in Montana to help Kanye work on his album that would follow Daytona a week later.  Drake’s right hand man and OVO Sound in house producer and basically the man responsible for Drake’s sound OVO 40 showed up a day early and told Drake the energy was off.  Per Drake’s telling of the events on HBO’s “The Shop” produced by LeBron James and his business partner Maverick Carter; Kanye convinced Drake to tell him the release date of his album Drake also shared some very personal details about having recently learned he had a son by former adult film star Sophie Brussaux .  Now for myself I had heard this rumor on the podcast “The Read” cohosted by Kid Fury and Crissle West as early as May of 2017.  It wasn’t the first time Drake had been accused of fathering a child but this would be the first time his camp didn’t vehemently deny the allegations (where there’s smoke, there’s fire).  Fast forward March 2018 a night that gamers will remember as the night Drake, Tyler “Ninja” Blevins and Pittsburgh Steelers wideout Juju Smith Schuster played Fortnite on Twitch and set a streaming record.  It was during a break in the live stream that Drake had found out via results of a DNA test that was indeed a father.  Ok so this information found it’s way to the ear of Terrence Thornton aka Pusha T, remember where I referenced above that DJ Drama’s wife spilled the beans on Drake’s reference tracks yes pillow talk is a dangerous game guys but we will cover that a bit later.  So Duppy is out and twitter is going crazy as a fan of hip hop and being the chief reason for the song Pusha T heard and it asked Drake to send the invoice over he referenced at the end of the song.  Ok so we wait........ for a response that is, but in the interim we got “I’m Upset’. Keep in mind it’s Memorial Day weekend and we all kept refreshing and in my mind I said to myself Pusha is going to respond after we’ve all had our barbecue and are getting ready to return to work and then...... nothing or so we thought.  Leaving work Tuesday I was sent a link “The Story of Adidon” wait what?  Pillow talking ladies and gentleman, pillow talking Pusha shot back at Drake and brought baby Adonis into the war as well as Dennis and Sandi.  Y’all remember the face y’all made while listening?  I do lol!  So Drake went quiet, we knew Scorpion was coming June 29th.  But what were we getting?  Drake poked his head out to respond to the artwork for Pusha’s response via his iOS notepad and that was it save for him pressing the emergency button.  Wednesday June 13th Drake gathered his Degrassi : The New Generation alumni together on their old stomping grounds for the video to “I’m Upset”  Remember how I referenced Degrassi earlier in this piece? Ding ding this was the video that made me sit in front of the tv for hours watching old episodes.  Drake had survived the coup de grace from Pusha with some help from his adolescent friends just remember whatever it takes, I know I can make it through!  So the two weeks before the album’s release promotion kicks into high gear billboards with lyrics from the forthcoming album also a billboard that referenced “A Side” and “B Side”. If you remember the promotion leading up to the album Views the artwork for the singles, Pop Style and One Dance were similar one in white cursive script on a black background the other in black cursive script on a white background had people thinking Views would be a double album some went as far as to say there was a white disc and a black disc.  Contrary to these thoughts Views was one succinct album though it featured 20 songs they were all part of a single composition, interestingly enough Views is the album that initiated the rift between Drake and Joe Budden but nonetheless let’s continue shall we?  Mal of the Joe Budden podcast dropped the info that Scorpion would in fact be a double album with “A Side” being the more aggressive rap offering whereas “B Side” would be more of Drakes more melodic records.  As I refreshed and refreshed OVO 40′s instagram for more info all we could do is wait.  Eventually we got the album artwork which is very basic if we are being completely honest but its honest just a black and white headshot of Drake with his signature and the word Scorpion which I would assume is in his own handwriting.  Thursday June 28th the track list was revealed and hours later the features - Jay Z, , Ty Dolla $ign, the late great Static Major and the late iconic Michael Jackson (current social climate notwithstanding) also included concert audio from his Young Money family Nicki Minaj, the City Girls, Lil Wayne audio  and an instagram clip of Plies. The trackless resulted in one of the funniest tweets about Michael Jackson considering the fact that the Jackson family patriarch Joseph Jackson had just passed away earlier that week. “How’d Drake get Mike on his album......Joe Jackson died got to heaven and told Mike to get back to work” 

And then 11 PM CST came which meant it was 12 AM EST I went directly to Tidal on my iPad and Apple Music on my phone to refresh and there it was Drakes double album Scorpion.  His power move all of hip hops true legends have done the double disc Jay - Z “The Blueprint 2″, Tupac “All Eyez On Me” , Nas “Streets Disciple”, The Notorious B.I.G. “Life After Death” , Wu-Tang Clan “Wu-Tang Forever”  Clearly the precedent was set in order to consider himself among the greats Drake felt a double disc was necessary hell even his one time nemesis Chris Brown had give us a double disc worth of content albeit in the streaming era it actually broke down to 3 albums worth of content but schematics. 

I HATE WHEN DRAKE RAPS

DRAKE SINGS TOO MUCH

DRAKE IS A POP ARTIST

DRAKE DOESN’T EVEN WRITE HIS OWN SONGS

DRAKE TOOK AN L

DRAKE DIDN’T START FROM THE BOTTOM

DRAKE IS FINISHED

I LIKE DRAKE’S OLDER STUFF

DRAKE MAKES MUSIC FOR GIRLS

DRAKE THINKS HE’S JAMAICAN

DRAKE IS AN ACTOR

DRAKE CHANGED

ANBODY ELSE > DRAKE......

YEAH YEAH WE KNOW

the aforementioned excerpt comes directly from the iTunes / Apple Music page for Scorpion.  Clearly Aubrey and his camp are well aware of the pundits and their feelings toward Drake and everything he represents.  Having said all of that let’s talk about the music side A opens with Survival in which Drake references his previous issues with Meek Mill and Diddy “I’ve had real Philly niggas try to write my ending” “I’ve had scuffles with Bad Boys” I’ve always said Drake’s biggest strength is being able to live in his own truth and Survival is just another track where he excels at this.  The album then goes up a notch where Drake and Taykeith meet again for one of my favorite songs on the project that is still in my heavy rotation to this day “Nonstop” is as self explanatory as you can get the crazy thing is per Drake this wasn’t on the original iteration of the album it was his feud with Pusha T the month before that birthed this and other songs on the album such as the commercial standout of the album that is found on the album’s B Side “In My Feelings”. Drake told LeBron and Maverick that in the  wake of his back and forth with Terrence he got back in the studio and used the energy to create these songs.  Elevate the albums third song is still a skip for me but it’s the albums 4th track “Emotionless” where Drake finally decides to allow us into his personal life on a deeper level when first referencing his son Adonis “I wasn’t hiding my kid from the world, I was hiding the world from my kid” The Mariah Carey sample that 40 flipped is masterful and it serves as the perfect canvas for this moment.  Emotionless is followed by the albums second single and God’s Plan which originally appeared on January’s “Scary Hours” EP. After these we get Drake’s routine hookup with Boi-1da “8 out of 10″ which features the Plies vocals from IG (word to Plies please bring back “Sweet Pwussy Satday).  I would be remised if I didn’t express that this is where A Side takes a dip to me with “Mob Ties” and “Can’t Take a Joke” neither song has grown on me a year later still they don’t grab my attention.  Sandra’s Rose a dedication to Drake’s mother is where the first volume picks back up for a fantastic crescendo.  Finally Drake get’s to rap over a Preemo beat which he had been campaigning for since the early days of Take Care, if this is the end result I’d love to hear what other instrumentals Preme cooked up for The Boy the collaboration had been in talks since the pre production days of Take Care which is widely viewed as Drake’s opus.   “Talk Up” is the next song up with a gritty Memphis 808 supplied by Three Six Mafia alum DJ Paul which also has a verse from the Brooklyn God Sir Shawn Corey of Carter aka Jay Z.  Honestly listen to this song and tune the vocals out just listen to the 808 kick in the background masterful very reminiscent of early Three Six Mafia / Tear The Club Up Thugs real Memphis shit.  One very important moment of note surrounding this track is Jay’s verse music now lives in real time because of the advent of the internet a verse can be recorded emailed and mixed then released in half a days time thanks to the internet.  Jay recorded this verse within weeks of the release of the album and you can tell by his bar “y’all killed X let Zimmerman live, streets is done”  Xxxtentacion was murdered in Florida June 18th 2018, his funeral service was June 28th 2018 the day before Scorpion was released.  The first part of the album finishes with “Is There More” which features a sample of “More Than A Woman” by the late Aaliyah.  On any standard Drake release this would serve as the conclusion to the album but on Scorpion it only closes out the album’s first half.  Post intermission Scorpion opens with “Peak” which couldn’t be more of a 40 creation if it tried.  This is Drake in his bag the Drake everyone came to know and love on So Far Gone (now available on all streaming platforms).  Honestly most of the content on the B Side much like it’s A Side counterpart could’ve been left on the cutting room floor the standout from this side is definitely the Ty Dolla $ign assisted “Jaded” If you haven’t put this song on repeat and slipped into one of those moments Drake is so masterful at crafting then I question if you are even living.  Finesse is another powerful moment but other songs like Ratchet Happy Birthday feel completely out of place here.  The commercial standout “In My Feelings” was created out of complete happenstance if memory serves me correct and it initially wasn’t going to be a single for the album but Shiggy’s dance craze was a moment that Drake and his camp just had to capitalize on.  Blue Tint is another song that feels lost on this particular side of the album not that it fits the A Side either which suggest that maybe Drake and Future leave this in the vault for “What A Time To Be Alive 2″ which is coming at some point.  The other songs like “That’s How You Feel” which features tour banter from Nicki Minaj and her DJ is a great song I often wonder though would the song sound more cohesive if you removed the Nicki vocals and add a hook sung by Drake or someone else.  The album eventually builds to Final Fantasy which I assume would absolutely have some sort of a reference to the Squaresoft turned Square Enix video game franchise and the March 14th in which Drake closes the album having a conversation with himself that he hopes his son will discover as he is older and understand.  Though March 14th officially closes the album it is the closing of Is There More that gives us a glimpse into Drake’s future “soon as the album drop I’m outta the deal”. Many had speculated when Drake’s deal with Young Money/Cash Money would cease to exist even going as far back as If You’re Reading This It’s too Late some thinking the title was a nod to Drake’s original contract coming to an end.  As of late Drake has released new music to celebrate the Toronto Raptors first NBA Championship the music is licensed to Frozen Moments LLC under exclusive license to Republic Records a division of UMG Recordings.  Drake is apparently prepping another full length project which was teased for the end of 2018 by Young Money president Mack Maine.  Oh yea remember earlier where I kept telling you guys how bad pillow talk was. Drake months after Scorpion was released appeared on The Shop with LeBron and Maverick and insinuated it was Kanye who told Pusha about Drake having a son.  Days after the episode aired on HBO Pusha T reached out to Joe Budden of all people to appear on his podcast finally revealing that it was Drake’s producer, business partner and friend Noah “OVO 40″ (click here) who had been involved with a woman who had loose ties to people close to Pusha T.  For sometime 40 had been complaining to this woman about his positioning within the business end of things and how he apparently didn’t think he was being compensated fairly.  Noah also disclosed information about Drake and others flying to meet Adonis and to bring him gifts.  There has been no word from Drake’s camp on these allegations or the fact that Drake offered money to people around Pusha T for information about his personal life.  There was also the fact that Rap A Lot Records founder J Prince that Drake had indeed recorded a response to the story of Adidon but it would’ve potentially been damaging for Pusha T and Kanye.  If hip hop history has taught us anything at some point if this is true the hard drive holding those files will come up missing and that song will leak if it in fact exists.  So here we are a full year later and what have we learned well Drake is as teflon as teflon can get had any other rapper experienced what he did in the lead up to Scorpion it could’ve had long last effects.  Ja Rule was one of if not the most played artist on terrestrial radio until 50 Cent started throwing jabs at him on wax next thing you know everyone was screaming G-G-G-G Unit and Ja was an afterthought.  Drake weathered the storm by staying the course sticking to what he does best and and then jumping on one of the hottest songs of summer 2018 “Sicko Mode”. Pusha T came back to cause a ruckus among the OVO camp because quote “that narrative has to die, Kanye didn’t tell me anything it was 40!” Yet Drake remained unbothered he went across the nation on his Aubrey and the 3 Amigos tour squashed long standing beefs with rivals Meek Mill and Chris Brown.  Patched things up with his son’s mother and came to some sort of a cordial understanding and then toured the UK. In the middle of all of this he told us he had a new album coming, gave Nick Nurse the head coach of the Toronto Raptors a shoulder massage during an NBA Playoff game.  Drake partied and celebrated the Raptors title as if he suited up and played actual minutes and then took a million pics with the Larry O’Brien trophy with his friends no less.  The question I pose for you will the music on Scoprion stand the test of time?  Take Care still sounds as good today as it did in November of 2011.  I admit I like Scorpion but I don’t love the album I have my own condensed version of the album where I’ve removed the filler songs in favor of the standouts in my opinion.  I invite you all as readers to revisit Scorpion this weekend and give it a grade based on its replay value, how it holds up today and if you really love/like the album or if you were a prisoner of the moment.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Divorce and anger

One of the biggest issues I have is dealing with my anger. I have anger at my Ex, anger at his family, anger at my parents, anger at my friends, anger at the justice system, anger at the Muslim community at large, anger towards my children when they can't stand up to their abusive father. I'm just so angry all the time. I keep it bottled up and sometimes it pops up at inappropriate times. Then I feel shame and guilt. I get angry with myself for not being stronger and getting "over it." Some examples of my anger: 1.) My Ex loved playing the victim. He'd whine about how broke he was (he kept his whole salary and mine) or how much he had to do (he'd write lists on tiny peices of paper and spend the entire weekend driving around while the kids and I sat at home). Even as we get to the end of our divorce...he likes to play the victim with the kids. I asked my older son how he felt about his father. He said, "I feel sorry for him. I know that's wrong, but I can't help it." I was shocked. After all the shit he put me and the kids through...my older son still had pity for him. While I was angry, I also had to understand that the Ex is still their father. My children have to go through life knowing that they have a deadbeat for a father. There's a lot to pity. Ex currently lives in his cousin's basement. He's almost 43 and has lost most of his retirement savings due to the divorce and lawyers. Although he does like to find ways to scam me out of my right. Example: He had his lawyer put in the rough draft of the divorce decree that we would split the proceeds from our home sale after he paid his lawyer. Uhhh...no. Nipped that in the bud right away. 2.) One of the things I noticed about my Ex was his odd and toxic relationship with his own family. In an earlier post, I mentioned how he and his brother, as children, watched pornography with their father. His mother would dig through our trash looking for used condoms. She also enjoyed bursting into our bedroom when she thought he and I were about to get intimate. On multiple occasions she stole mine and my children's underwear (after Ex moved out, I found our underwear in a side table. When Inwas at work, she would go though my personal items i y drawers and closet. She stole receipts (grocery and clothing, anything) and would taunt my Ex with money I spent on food and our children. Some of these receipts were several years old. Deep down he knew his mother was disgusting. This past Mothers' Day he put her on the MegaBus to Chicago with a bottle of water and a banana at 7:30 am. He wanted to play cricket and needed to dump her as early as possible. My Ex also had a very skewed understanding of sex and intimacy. My brother once remarked on how all these guys from the Middle East seemed to behave in very perverted ways due to being surpressed. My anger stems from being disgusted by his mother, but also anger from me not standing up for myself. His mother loved to play the victim. She would first deny she had done anything wrong, then start crying. Most of the time she would pull him into a room, close the door, and tell him about all the "crimes" I had committed throughout the day. This made him more angry and he'd come after me, verbally attacking me and sometimes throwing things at me. I visualize beating his mother to death. Torturing her. Forcing her to repent for her sins publicly. I know these are just fantasies. In the divorce decree, the Ex asked for 1/2 my wedding jewlery and everything he gave to me. State law is clear. He is not entitled to anything my parents gave me or any gifts (the few he gave me over 12 years ago) I received over our 15 year marriage. I can hear his greedy mother asking for things that don't belong to her. 3.) I have a lot of anger towards my parents. I was 22 and they pushed me to marry him. He needed a Green Card, they needed their daughter married. I feel like I was sold off to protect their reputations and enhance their social status. Early in our marriage, I was an intern at a local TV station. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him. He accused of cheating on him when I was stuck in our apartment all day (I didn't get a car until a year later). So I left him. I moved back home and told my parents I couldn't live this way. I was being suffocated. He called 10-15 times a day. He called ny parents, begging and whining. They drove me back two weeks later. I got pregnant a short time later. I am angry when my mother nags me about getting married again. I'm not even divorced. Constantly asking me if I know any men. I was never allowed to date. How the Hell am I supposed to just start chatting up random men? I am angry when my mother tells me to be careful with money, but charges up my credit card with expensive groceries. I'm trapped because my father is paying most of my lawyers bills. I'm being suffocated by my own parents. I am angry when my father tells me to be strong and brave, but is too chickenshit to stand next to my kids during Eid prayers because he's afraid of the Ex. I'm also angry at myself for wanting this divorce to be over as soon as possible so I can get them out of my house. They chose bastard for me and that makes me so angry. 4.) All of my friends have been understanding. Surprisingly, my non-Muslim friends have been a wonderful source of support and comfort. These are people that are not related to me, but call/text me regularly to see if I'm ok. Some babysat my kids when I had meetings. One showed up to court for support. Her presence scared the shit out of the Ex and resulted in me getting a much better financial and child custody result. There is truly a place in Jannat for these wonderful people. My Muslim friends, while understanding, have taken a different approach. Most never reach out to me to ask if the boys and I are ok. One said that I should have stayed and just complied for the sake of my children. Several said I should just get over it, including one woman who went through a horrific divorce herself. One makes plans and cancels at the last minute. She happened to marry the Ex's best friend. He turned out to be abusive and thankfully she is now divorced. She doesn't have any kids so her process was much quicker. Not all my Muslim friends are like this. There is one that is absolutely wonderful and has been picking and dropping my kids from school for a year. She provides a shoulder to cry on and and her ear. She doesn't judge or give unsolicited advice. She's one of the good ones. But Muslim friend like her are far and few between. A silver lining is I'm a lot more selective about who I let into my life. I have to protect myself and my kids. More on anger in later posts.