#my dad legit just asked me “do you want cock” while gesturing to his coffee

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

Just had another idea for the punk!au. How about it’s Sam’s 16th birthday, and Jaskier, the reader and the rest of the gang surprise her by organising a FaceTime call with het favourite celebrity, and Nic gets kind of jealous, when Sam gushes about it afterwards.

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Sam x Nic Word Count: 980 Rating: G Taglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak​ @whatevermonkey​ @mycat-is-mylove @mynamesoundslikesherlock​ @kemmastan​ @magic-multicolored-miracle​ @writingstudent​ @mlleecrivaine​ @coffee-and-stories​ @amirahiddleston​ @ultracolorfulnerdcollection​ @astouract​ @your-not-invisible-to-me @daydreamer-in-training @morelikebyesexual a/n: Oh my babies. Thank you, sweet reader xo

“And THEN ohmygod Nic then he actually said that I seemed like I had REAL talent. And I know what you’re thinking – well he knows your dad, Sam, of course he’ll say that – but no! I could tell! I’ve had people suck up to me because of my dad but this was legit!”

Sam’s words ran together a mile a minute and the boy she spoke to listened and nodded with a tense, false smile on his face. Lost in her excitement, Sam didn’t notice this, gesturing and flailing with pale blue eyes sparkling in a way that was so lovely but only hurt Nic worse.

“They always say not to meet your heroes but Nic I wish you could’ve met him he would have LOVED you,” she declared, seizing his arm with her hands. His eyes fell to her hands on his arm and he tried to force himself to be happy for her. He had been initially when she’d told him that a part of her birthday surprise was doing a video call with her favorite singer, Dax Moore. He could remember the first song of theirs she heard, playing in a record store she’d gone to with her Uncle Valdo. He had watched her write out the lyrics to her favorite songs, filling up her spiral notebooks with doodles and beautifully calligraphyed pages. He’d even bought her a poster for the first birthday of their friendship and she’d squealed and pulled him for the tightest hug he’d ever been given. But in the whole time she’d had him offer all she’d done was gush about the singer. About his advice, about how grown up the 23-year-old was and he already knew she found him cute (thanks to the many SAM PANKRATZ + DAX MOORE doodles). It didn’t take long before that happiness soured into something dangerously like jealousy.

“And he said when he comes to Seattle next time we should meet up!”

Nic’s head snapped up at the words.

“He’s way too old for you that’s not ok and there’s no way your dad will let you,” he said in a rush as hurried and breathless as hers had been though there was a note of panic in his voice. She blinked in surprise and then her brow furrowed, eyebrows quirking into an expression that was either confusion or anger or some blend of both.

“Ew, Nic, no not like that,” she said, though he noticed a pink tinge to her cheeks.

“Well I mean, why does he want to meet?” he asked.

“I told you he thinks I’m talented,” she repeated, enunciating each word for emphasis.

“So you’re gonna go join a band now?” he asked, feeling himself spiral but not sure how to make it stop. She turned her body to face him fully and fixed him with a stern, assessing look. He balked a little under her gaze, glancing askance at her from time to time as she traced the strong slope of his nose and the defined cheekbones and jaw up to the mass of brown curls that crowded but did not obscure his face. She finally settled on the deep brown, half-lidded eyes that kept nervously sliding her way and then back. A small smile quirked up the corner of her glossed lips and she cocked her head at him.

“Nicholas Merigold, are you jealous?” she asked in a delighted tone. He gave a noncommittal half-shrug but it was all the confirmation she needed. She took him by the shoulders and turned him to face her, peering up into the dark brown eyes with her light blue ones.

“Nic, I swear on all I hold sacred that I am not going to run off with Dax Moore,” she said, mouth twitching to betray her amusement though she tried to sound very serious. He considered her words and tilted his head up, now assessing her through squinty eyes.

“How sacred we talking?” he asked, though she could hear a refreshing playfulness in his tone.

“I swear on my stack of first edition Nancy Drew novels,” she intoned dramatically. His eyes widened slightly in surprise and then he nodded, a smile slowly brightening up his face.

“Aright,” he said, “But if he does come to town I want to be there.”

“Are you going to protect my honor Sir Nic?” she teased.

“Nah, you’re your own knight in shining armor. Hell, since you and Ciri became blue belts you’d be the one saving me,” he laughed, though not self-consciously. He’d be the first to admit that he loved having a friend who could protect him, though her enthusiasm for doing so had landed her in detention lots of times. He’d always waited around by the window, holding up answers to the homework she worked on and doing goofy things to keep her entertained while she waited it out.

“You’re a chef though so you have access to way more knives than I do,” she pointed out. He laughed and she picked up a nearby pen to mime stabbing him. He threw himself dramatically back on the bed dying and she flopped down next to him, landing in his arms. They held each other’s eyes for a beat and then laughed again, a little nervously, and she sat back up.

“Next time anything like that happens you have to be there. Even the coolest things aren’t as cool if you’re not there,” she insisted. It sounded a little bit like I love you, and he would replay the sentence over and over the whole walk home.

“Hey, you call and I come running, right?” he replied with a crooked grin, another almost confession. Another moment of silence was held and then she took a deep breath.

“Ok well we obviously have to listen to the album now so come on Merigold, it’s time to dance.”

[fiction-queen-blog]

TheAmazingUchihaBruhs : Dreamphone

A/n: I have tried uploading this on my original blog @theamazinguchihabruhs but due some 'technical difficulties' it would not upload. Thank you Tumblr! Anyway so I had no other choice than to post it here. I tried uploading this using my Ipad, but that shit didn’t work either. 

Dreamphone

“When you said come over...I thought you just wanted me to sit  on your couch, eat all your snacks while watching TV”

I  kneeled down in front of the coffee table,and regretted ever coming over to Sakura’s place .

“Why would I call you for that? I can do that myself”  Sakura sat down next to Ino,putting down a plate with vegetables and hummus on the table.

“It is going to be fun. I found this game in the attic” Ino stated as she presented the box from the game she wanted to play.

“Dreamphone…” I read the title out loud. “Isn’t that the girly game that they play during slumber parties”

“Wow jeez Sasuke didn’t know your dick will fall off from playing a ‘girly’ game”

“Hey, I never said it was a bad thing, social justice warrior” I said, putting my hands up in an innocent way.

“Your mouth was better when it was shut” Sakura stretched her arms and leaned her back on the couch.

“In Sasuke’s defence. It’s presented as a girl’s game The commercials, the box. It is not his fault when it really just the marketing ” Ino defended me.  

I was about to say something, but since Sakura told me to shut up. I found it appropriate to respect her wishes by eating all the crisps and so keeping my mouth shut.

“Of course! You’re so smart, Ino” Sakura put her hand on the blonde’s shoulder. I dropped the bag of crisps on the ground and raised an eyebrow at my dear friend.

“In front my salad!?”

“Just because it is paprika flavoured, doesn’t make it a salad” She frowned.

“Tch” I rolled my eyes and watched as Ino set up the board game while I was making myself useful by eating more crisps.

“Holy shit” I put the bag of crisps aside as I pointed at the pictures of the boy on the board

“That looks like Naruto!” I  pointed at the blond boy with blue eyes. “And that one looks like Nardo!”  I dramatically gasped and pointed at the other picture  “He looks just like Utakata!”

“This kinda looks like Shisui” Sakura exclaimed. She shared my fascination.

“ Nah, he looks more like Jhon Snow”  I argued.

“Doesn’t he kinda remind you of Shisui?” Sakura looked at me and I thought of my brother’s curly hair before thinking of Jhon Snow’s hair.

….Shit….She was right.

“Daammnn” I said.

“This one looks like Itachi-nii” I said, “and Suké”

“Tobirama and Izuna “  Sakura pointed at the guy with white hair and the one with raven hair that was tied in a messy ponytail.

“Madara…” I pointed at another picture.

“That one looks like Naruto’s cousin...And this one looks like his dad”  Sakura said.

“Oh and look! There is a Kakashi-sensei look-alike “ Ino smiled when she was able to join the conversation.

“Yeah kinda” I had to admit it. That guy did look like Kakashi-sensei.

“So how to play this game?” I asked. I saw Sakura and Ino share a look.

“Uhm, u will figure it out” Sakura said. It almost felt like she had something up her sleeve, but I didn’t care enough to actually question her.

We each got some cards from the pile and I pulled a boy that looked a lot like Kevin, a boy I used to work with at the diner. Davi...The guy I remembered from the Glory Hole,atleast  I think I did and….

I gasped dramatically.

That guy looked like Orochimaru!

“Your turn Sasuke. Call one of them and see what clues you get” Ino handed me the phone and it felt quite heavy for a plastic phone.

“...I will call Kevin” I said, dialing his number. I put the phone against my ear, I didn’t even hear a dial tone.

“Hey” I heard the dream phone go, “the boy that has a crush on you is seven inches big~  Isn’t that a mouthfu-” The call ended and I looked at the phone.

“Kevin said  my crush is seven inches...That is not even dwarf anymore” I looked surprised.”That is legit a pixie!”

“I don’t think they were talking about his height, Sasuke” Sakura commented.

“Pfff..What else?” I looked at  Ino who dipped her finger in the humus and put it in her mouth, in a rather inappropriate manner.

It was then that the phrase  “A mouthful” made sense to me.

“I thought this was a kid´s game`I said while looking down at the board.

“Yeah….But it was the 90s” Sakura defended the game.

“Well….I know it is not Orochimaru or Utakata” I said, crossing their names out.

“You shouldn't tell us. Then we know too” Ino said..

`Trrriiinnnngg..Trrrriiiinnnggg`

I looked at the phone. That was the worse ring I ever heard a phone make. Old or new.

`Heeeeyyy~ Chick, it is meeeehh~” It sounded like a bird dying or...Well..It sounded like a girl on testosterone.  “So I heard some gossips about Utakata, y’know that military guy”

“This game is oddly specific…” I muttered, but then got shushed by both Ino and Sakura.

“Anyway! I heard he just didn’t love you at alll~...He just wanted to fuck you or something--”

The Dream Phone stopped talking for  couple of seconds.

“ Anyway! If you can tell me how big his cock is...I will give a clue about  your crussshhh~”  The voice changed.

The batteries must be running low.

“Oh shit.. I don’t know how big his dick is” Ino said, looking at Sakura.

“Neither do I. If there was just a person who had an indication of how big Utakata’s cock was”

“Was? You mean ‘ is’ ! He is alive”  I didn’t know why I was even defending this.

“Well….I guess you have to answer the dream phone” Ino said, indicating dramatically to the pink phone.

“I don’t think we are supposed to answer questions-”

“You can’t tell, you have never played this game before!”Ino shouted. It  sounded suspicious.

But I  decided to ignore it.

I grabbed the phone from the middle and put my hand before my mouth so Ino and Sakura wouldn’t be able to read my lips.

“Around 15 centimeters”  I whispered.

“HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS!” The put the phone an arm length away from me.

What was this game ?

“You are a virgin! You said you were a virgin! You said you didn’t fuck Utakata! How do you know his dick size?! Eh?”

“Hey!...What about my clue?” I didn’t know why I was looking away from the phone...I got scolded by a toy!

“UR CRUSH DOESN’T LIKE LIARS!”

“YEAH!”

Ino grabbed the phone from my hands and smacked it against her palm.

“Malfunction, happens all the time!” She said, wiping some sweat from her forehead.

“Soooo~ How did you know how big Utakata is?” Sakura asked, sticking a carrot in the hummus.

“Uhm of course I know. I always took showed after training-”

“Alone..with him?” Ino asked, giving me a rather shocked expression.

“Nah, with 14 other men”  Now that I heard myself...It sounded weird.

“You are living the dream”  Ino commented.

“It is your turn” I said, looking at Sakura.

“Adult mode, every third player’s turn has to take his clothes off!” The dream phone suddenly blurred out.

“I swear the phone said ‘his’!”I pointed an accusing finger at the phone.

“Yeah you are only acting paranoid because you are the third player” Ino said.

“No!”

“Then do as the phone says!” Sakura shouted. She was enjoying this a lot.

“You probably just misheard” Ino made a not caring gesture. I guess it wouldn't be the first time I misheard something.

“I am not going to strip” I protested.

“Just your pants is fine” Ino said.

“I repeat, the third player must take their clothes off” The dream phone rephrased.

“PANTS!” Sakura hissed in the dream phone. It was so weird. “We will do pants only” she cleared her throat.

“Oh that is good. I wanted to take off my pants the moment I put them on”  I said.

“Yes baby, do that”

I swear I heard somebody whisper, but I wasn’t sure if it was coming from outside or the dreamphone.

“Lemme just check if I wear…”

“Underwear” Ino and Sakura shared a look before laughing.

“You two...Stop laughing” I muttered as I pulled my jeans off.

“Them legs!” I heard somebody shout outside and I turned my head to the window to see nobody.

“Did you guys-”

“Nope!” Both suddenly shouted.

“Maybe just some pervert walking their pet..”  Sakura said.

I narrowed my eyes and threw my pants behind me.

“Now stand up, turn 90 degrees to your left and bend over” The dream phone said.

“What?!” I looked at the phone in Sakura’s hands.

“Yes squads! Ten squads” Ino said. I saw her panic slightly.

“To make little kids exercise? Damn smart game” I sighed and got up and moved to  the left.

“That is right, honey”  I heard  Ino say.

“Yes, I know how to do a squad” I rolled my eyes.I heard Sakura laugh again.

“That  is not even 90 degrees ! That is about 35” Ino stated.

“How do you even know? You failed maths!” I sat back down.

“Well...I should have told you up front he is a natural cock blocker”

I heard some muttering coming from the phone...Or was it the open window again?

“That is why you are waiting three years for that ass...It makes sense now”

“Do you guys hear that?” I looked back at Ino.

“Nope..Must be in your head” she joked.

“Hmmmm…...Possible….” I muttered.Maybe I should talk to Minato about this…

Sakura  grabbed the phone and dialed the number of the guy that looked like Itachi.

“Uhm, speaker!” Ino said, pulling out some card.

“Aye” Sakura said, putting the phone on speaker.

“Hey, I am lord bitch. I am a doctor and a pretty bad one too because I like to torment the people I don’t like because they are obviously more liked by my little brother than my big ass could ever be! Dattebayo!”

I looked at Sakura.

“What was the clue?” I asked.

“Oh right, your crush is on my black list”

“Damn it, that could be anyone” I commented, looking at the list of names. Well...I could cross out the ones that looked like my brothers and Suké for sure. I grabbed the bag of crisps.

“Can you stop eating! God damn it, I can’t fucking hear shit over your chewing!” The phone said.

“Uhm...That is actually me” Sakura said, taking another bite of the carrot.

“No clue?” I asked confused

“Oh you want the clue, babe?”

“Tch, fuck off!”

I heard some rumbling coming from the dream phone before hearing.

“Your crush is….Not a raven!”

“Fuck you~” I heard a vague voice coming from the dreamphone.

I looked at my sheet and crossed out more names such as this ‘Menma’ guy.

“No scrap that! You once kissed him!” the phone changed his mind.

Probably to make the game more complicated or something.

“Who did ya kiss?” Ino gave me some sort of teasing look.

“The phone was talking to Sakura?” I got confused.

“No it was you” Sakura didn’t seem to give a shit.

“Damm this game. That could be anyone!”

“You kiss slut…”I heard this vague voice coming from the dream phone.

Was I supposed to be offended?

“My turn” I said,grabbing the phone and dialed the number of the guy looking like Tobirama.

“Good...Whatever...Uhm your crush’s favourite subject is chemistry” The dreamphone said.

“Oh nice. I hope it is Nardo” I commented, hearing a groan coming from the other end of the line. I looked back at Ino. “Maybe we need to change the batteries?”

“It is can go on. Think about the environment!” Ino said.

“POP QUESTION TIME!” THe phone suddenly yelled out.

“Oh it is Sakura’s turn” I said.

“No, you are holding it. You have to answer it” I felt like Ino made up the rules so it benefited her and Sakura,

“Fine..” I sighed, placing the phone against my ear again

“Tell me your darkest sex fantasy...hihi”  

That giggle sounded so unnatural. It felt forced. Well, what did  I expect from a cheap toy phone.

“Uhm...Guess...Just sex….” I wasn’t sure how I am supposed to answer to some pink toy phone.

“Don’t lie , Sasukeh!” The dreamphone said. My eyes widened and I looked at Sakura

“The phone...Knows my name..” I whispered, covering the mic with my hand.

“Yeah we dialed your name in it...That’s why!” Ino said. I looked back at the phone.

“Uhm...Alright. I fancy the idea of...Getting tied up..”

I made sure to whisper so the two ladies wouldn’t hear me over the phone.

“Damn that is hot” I heard the dreamphone say when I was done.

“Alright now I get another clue, right?”

“Y-yes! Uhm…Your crush is not a dilf!” the dream phone said. I put the horn down and looked at my list.  Did Nardo count as a dilf? He seemed too young to be.

“I really think it is Nardo” I muttered, scratching the other names off the paper.

“WHY NARDO?! I heard the dreamphone shout.

“Because he is cute, sexy, caring and smart-” I couldn’t help but to feel slightly hot remembering him shirtless.

“I CAN BE THAT!”

“SHUT UP! You are screwing us!”

I heard a vague muttering in the back .

“That is it!” I stood up.  “The one who has a crush on me is the dream phone! Such a plot twist!“ I exclaimed, grabbing the phone from the table, only to see the front fall off.

Did I just break the phone toy?

I looked at the back of the phone in my hand...There was a walkie talkie  in it. I picked it out of the pink plastic case and looked at Sakura and Ino. Their eyes widened before both dramatically gasped.

“Somebody has been messing with us!” Ino sounded at least a bit convincing.

“Ooohh noooo...Who could do this to us…??”  Sakura didn’t even try.

“I am gone. Bye bitch, you are on your own!”

I turned my head to the window. I saw one person run away while Naruto stayed behind, holding the walkie talkie in his hand as he panicked.

“Menma no!”

He looked at his friend running away..Maybe it was his cousin again. He turned his face back to me.

He smiled innocently,scratching the back of his head while. I narrowed my eyes, causing him to gulp and sweat nervously.

“Uzumaki...Naruto…”

“It was his idea I swear!” He pointed at the direction the guy ran to. I walked towards the open window and grabbed him by his collar, pulling him closer.

“You think this is funny?”

“Well...You can be very oblivious when you are off guard” Naruto swallowed.

“What?” my grip around his collar tightened.

“If you are going to kill me, please strangle me with your thighs so I can die happily, dattebayo!”

I shook my head.

“Since when did you even arrive here? Dude, this game we are playing is super weird. Hey, you wanna go for ice cream?” I asked, letting go of his collar and trying to fix it slightly.

He looked surprised before making this small praying gesture, thanking the Gods.

“O-of course! My threat! Dattebayo” He said.I leaned slightly in so I could whisper in his ear. I used my hand to stroke his hair.

“Yeah and after that we can go to my place...” I could see him smirk from the corner of my eye.

“That sounds nice-”

“Where I will choke you till your last breath”

I interrupted him while my grip round his hair tightened.

“Okay I know that your dirty fantasy-”

“I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU, USURATONKACHI!”

He escaped from my grip, making a backwards somersault on the grass before getting up.

“Don’t hate the player hate the game!” Naruto shouted as he ran away, “I will totally make it up to you,dattebayo!”

I shook my head before looking  at the bushes, seeing a hint of blue eyes.

“You know...That was actually pretty hot” I heard a voice say.. I guess it was the creepy friend of Naruto’s. Or cousin..whatever..

“You pathetic perverts” I commented, closing the window behind me.

“Uhm..You can put your pants back on” Sakura gave me an awkward look.

“Never” I hissed.