#my first original post after ages is just a random specific fact about me rather than something about the show itself

[gwenwillilearn]

i remember when i first watched that episode of tdwt aftershow where leshawna sings that song that's basically an f you to alejandro, in the italian version of the song she says "bastard" and, as a polite 11 yo kid, i was like "you can say.......that.....on tv???????"

[mayihavethisdanse]

“What is this, the Dark Ages?”

Or, Arthurian themes and allusions in the Brotherhood of Steel mythos as seen in Fallout 4. (But that’s a lot of words.)

Yep. We're doing this. 

First, some obligatory caveats: there is no single Arthurian canon, just 1500 years of assorted fanfic based on the whims of whoever was writing at the time. For this extremely highbrow Tumblr meta, I have ignored most of it and drawn on my favorites. Also Wikipedia.

Also, I am not an expert in Arthurian literature (or Fallout lore, come to that), and I preemptively beg the pardon of anyone who is.

Finally, in no way am I claiming that all these parallels and thematic echoes are deliberate or even significant. In fact, I'd break it down into:

Clearly deliberate allusions, whether in or out of universe;

Probably coincidence, but could be someone deliberately capitalizing on a coincidental similarity;

Almost certainly coincidence, but fun to speculate about; annnnd

Blatant Monty Python references. (Because of course there are.)

I'll start with the big one.

Arthur Maxson, boy king and unifier

(source)

So across all the retellings and variations of King Arthur’s life story, there are a few consistent elements, particularly in his early life and rise to power. Some of these threads are echoed in the Fallout universe, specifically (and unsurprisingly) in the person of Arthur Maxson.

Both the legendary King Arthur and Arthur Maxson were born with a claim to power lying in their ancestry, both were fostered away from their families, and both proved themselves in combat at a young age. 

King Arthur united the warring kingdoms of Britain into a single entity, making them stronger against outsiders and receiving general admiration and acclaim. Arthur Maxson united the divided factions of the BoS after the events of Fallout 3 and is held in similarly high regard by his men.

The name Prydwen is a reference to the ship of the original King Arthur. Presumably, Arthur Maxson (or someone in the BoS who anticipated his promotion) christened the airship in a deliberate homage to the Arthurian myth.

King Arthur is associated with his legendary sword. I think it’s notable that Maxson’s legend is associated with a bladed weapon, too. ("He killed a DEATHCLAW with a COMBAT KNIFE!”)

Probably coincidence, but fun: the historical emperor Magnus Maximus, who pops up a lot in early Arthurian legend, was known in Welsh as... Macsen. (⌐■_■)

Round Table, but make it dieselpunk

(Continued under the cut.)

Moving away from obvious allusions and into some looser parallels:

Like the Round Table, the Brotherhood is an exclusive knightly order with its leader being the one able to open it up to his chosen few.

Like the Round Table, the BoS sees itself as defending human civilization against forces of chaos. (I’ll touch on their tech-hoarding tendencies when I get to the Grail stuff.) This idea of civilization in the face of chaos goes back to the BoS’s founding, even though the level of isolationism we see in most of the Fallout franchise is not exactly what founder Roger Maxson had in mind: “Notably, Maxson's ultimate intention was to establish the Brotherhood as an organization that works closely with people outside of the Brotherhood, as guardians of civilizations, not its gatekeepers.” (source) In a lot of ways, Arthur Maxson represents a return to his ancestor’s original ideals.

Renegade knights? Internal politics? Traitors within? We gotchu.

In both the medieval legends and in all chapters of the BoS we’ve seen, there’s a big focus on bloodlines (ew). Ironically, it’s probably Arthur Maxson’s unquestionable ancestry that allows him to be more progressive than either of his East Coast predecessors when it comes to boosting Brotherhood numbers by recruitment (even though you can still see a clear division between “born Brotherhood” and recruited soldiers, but that’s a topic for another day). Maxson sees himself as an Elder who "cares for the people"—however misguided and patronizing that attitude might be—and whatever else you might say about the guy, you can't say he doesn't believe he has a duty. Which brings us to…

Know Your Enemy: Danse as Gawain

Before I start this section, an acknowledgement of authorial bias:

Gawain, as portrayed in the Middle English poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, is my very favorite of King Arthur’s knights. (Other stories aren't always as flattering, but like I said at the outset: I'm sticking to the ones I like.)

That poem is my very favorite piece of medieval Arthurian literature. In this section, I'll refer to the modern English translation by Simon Armitage.

...that’s it, I have no other biases to disclose. 

What? 👀

(Art: Clive Hicks-Jenkins)

All right. So in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, you’ve got this himbo loyal knight of Arthur’s who finds himself caught up in... you know what, let me just paste in the Wikipedia summary. (The Toast, RIP, also did a pretty entertaining and more-or-less accurate recap.)

It describes how Sir Gawain, a knight of King Arthur's Round Table, accepts a challenge from a mysterious "Green Knight" who dares any knight to strike him with his axe if he will take a return blow in a year and a day. Gawain accepts and beheads him with his blow, at which the Green Knight stands up, picks up his head and reminds Gawain of the appointed time. In his struggles to keep his bargain, Gawain demonstrates chivalry and loyalty until his honour is called into question by a test involving the lord and the lady of the castle where he is a guest.

Don’t worry too much about the plot details, though; for this post, I’m more interested in the thematic parallels. The Green Knight story is full of contrasts: order vs. chaos, civilization vs. wilderness, mortal man vs. Other... but let’s start with Gawain himself. 

Some stuff to know about Gawain:

He was "as good as the purest gold, devoid of vices but virtuous and loyal". Gawain took his principles more seriously even than the rest of Arthur’s knights, not out of pride but out of humility: "I would rather drop dead than default from duty," he says. 

He’s faithful and honorable and never even tempted to betray an oath, even when offered every variety of seduction and riches, except for a single moment of weakness in a desperate desire not to be executed for random shit by powerful forces for reasons he doesn't understand.  

Even though he doesn’t really understand why he needs to die, he sticks to his oath. Gawain's one weakness is a moment of desperate, private, human desire for survival. He'll submit to the headsman’s axe if he has to, but he'd still rather live. 

Above all, Gawain is the ideal of a human man: he might be the bravest and loyal man there is, but he’s still fundamentally human.

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

A few more fun facts about Gawain that resonate with Paladin Danse’s story:

He’s got a bunch of really shitty brothers. (No comment.)

Gawain (SPOILERS!) doesn't actually end up beheaded, but he does willingly kneel for his execution and gets a cut on the throat as a reminder of his sin. And, uh, Danse can also get his throat cut! It doesn’t end as nicely but it’s, you know, a thing that can happen.

Gawain might be a really good guy, and he tries really hard to be one, but in the end he’s nothing more than that: there’s nothing supernatural about him, he has no special powers beyond his own principles and devotion. He’s just a dude doing his Best. 

Wait, why not Danselot?

Oh, that guy? Here’s the thing.

Lancelot personifies the continental ideals of courtly love that became popular in the High Middle Ages. Central to his story is the prioritization of personal relationships and romantic feelings in a way that you don’t really see in Gawain's, at least in the Green Knight tale. (Later stories hook Gawain up with an extremely delightful lady, but even that is a different flavor of romance than Lancelot's and has more to do with Gawain honoring his word and his egalitarian treatment of women (hell yeah). In the poem, Gawain is impressed by Bertilak's wife but resists her temptation; in fact, the biggest risk is not that he'll yield to her advances but that he'll be discourteous to her, i.e., violate his principles and cause dishonor to his king and his host.)

Lancelot is driven by passions over principles in a way that Gawain never really is (at least in the stories I’m talking about; later writers have committed character assassination to various degrees). Yes, you could argue that both Gawain and Lancelot betray their oaths, but Lancelot’s betrayal is never, um, blind. He knows what he’s doing and makes a deliberate choice to prioritize his love for the queen over his love for the king. It doesn’t make him a bad guy—he too is an ideal knight with one fatal flaw—but his character isn’t as comparable to Paladin Danse. 

Yeah, Gawain is (in most stories) a prince and a kinsman of Arthur’s, but he’s ultimately a native boy who doesn’t break the mold of a Knight of the Round Table. Likewise, Danse is portrayed as competent and valuable to the BoS, but not exceptional or breaking the mold of what a BoS soldier should be: he simply represents the ideal. Meanwhile, Lancelot is a foreign prince who was marked from childhood as special and fancy, and his storyline goes alllll over the place. (Much like this post.)

For example, Lancelot goes to absolutely absurd extremes to prove his devotion for no other reason than to prove it. (“I’ll do any useless humiliating thing you want. I’ll betray every oath except the one I made to you. That’s what love is!”) Gawain would never. Danse would never.

Ultimately, Gawain's tests are of his character and not of his love. And like Gawain, Danse’s devotion is to service and his principles, not to another person—even Arthur Maxson.

All that said, there are some similarities: both are beloved by Arthur, both are held up as the ideal of what a knight should be. And even if their fatal flaws are different, both make the point that no matter how good and brave and loyal they might be, no human being can be perfect. 

(Except Galahad. Who is, as a result, very boring.) 

I’ll conclude this section with a quote from someone else’s take on the Greek Knight poem:

I like Gawain. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying his best which is all any of us can do. He’s not like the other knights in the Arthurian legends who occasionally ‘accidentally’ kill women on their little adventures and then feel hard done by when they have to deal with the consequences of that. Gawain holds himself to a high standard – higher, it seems, than Arthur and his knights hold him to considering how hard they laugh when Gawain tells them how bad he feels about the whole thing.

I think Gawain is very relatable in this story. We all want to be better than we actually are.

And that, more than anything else, is Danse.

The Grail myth

What’s that? Lost relics of power? Better send some large armed men after ‘em!

The parallels to the BoS’s tech-hoarding ways are obvious enough that the games themselves lampshade them (albeit by way of Monty Python). But it also ties into the larger themes of “purity” versus “corruption” and the BoS’s self-image as a bastion between civilization and chaos. (See Maxson's line in response to the Sole Survivor’s quip about the Dark Ages: “Judging from the state of the world, it wouldn't be a stretch to say we're living in that era again.”)

But the ultimate futility of the Grail mission is also worthy of note. The BoS might want the power of prewar tech on their side, but they’re no more to be trusted with it than any other group of human beings. No matter how they try, the “corruption” of humanity can’t be overcome as long as they’re striving to harness power for their own ends. You can only achieve power by surrendering control of it.

The death of Arthur

The nature of gameplay being what it is, it's not guaranteed that the Arthur figure will be fatally betrayed, bringing Camelot down with him—but it's not unlikely, either.

Awkward.

Some final spitballing:

Outside the Brotherhood, there are some fun parallels of the Arthur myth with the rest of Fallout 4. Betrayal by one’s own son, for example.

The key difference between the BoS and the legendary Round Table: King Arthur’s knights, for all their flaws and human weaknesses, are usually presented as unambiguous Good Guys. The BoS is... a little more ambiguous...

...but damn if they don’t think they're the good guys. 

A-ad victoriam, fellas!

[ravenrune]

Random Resident Evil Headcanons 2

Because the response to my first HC post was quite good, here's a couple more. Thanks for the feedback on my previous HC post, I appreciate it. So, again, three headcanons for three characters. Open to requests.

Nikolai Zinoviev for @thoughtfulzombienerd Thanks for the request!

- Nikolai keeps chickens as pets, mainly because they lay eggs, and Nikolai is pretty pleased to get free eggs. When asked about it, he says; "chickens? They give me free food! And when I get sick of them, I can eat the chickens, too!" However, he has not yet eaten any of his chickens, because secretly, he's kind of attached to them. He'll never admit to it, though, not even to himself.

- According to Nikolai, he never has enough money, so he plays cards regularly. It's a hobby of his, and one he's gotten quite good at. The fact that he earn some cash is of course, a very nice bonus. He once played cards with Carlos when they were still training for the UBCS, and ended up making fun of them for weeks after he completely destroyed them in a game of poker.

- Another hobby of Nikolai is taking good care of himself. He takes pride in his good looks and enjoys going to the gym to work on his stamina and strength. He's also into martial arts, both because of the jobs he takes on, but also because he takes pleasure learning some new moves every once in a while.

Moving on...

- The merchant from Resi 4 is still alive. He travels the world, specifically looking for outbreaks, and will set up shop there to help anyone who wants to buy something from him. This includes the bad guys. Blue flames still indicate he's ready to do business with you. He was in China, but sadly his shop was located in a location most RE6 characters never accessed, so sadly, he didn't get to meet Leon again.

Oh, and the big backpack Barry is wearing in Resi Revelations 2?Bought it from the merchant.

- His name is unknown, but he is originally from Australia. He was living in the village of RE4 because in Australia, he'd been sentenced to prison for illegally selling firearms, and fled to Spain (come on, it's Spain, okay) to hide from Australian authorities. He opted for the little village because he figured it'd be hard to hide from European authorities over there, who might also be looking for him. Sadly for him, Saddler happened. - He has a plaga. Courtesy of Saddler, of course. He appears to be immune to being controlled however, and while the plaga has had its effects on him in the form of aging him quicker, it doesn't cause him too many problems. As to why he managed to not get killed by Saddler or other organizations that might be interested in him? Let's just say the man is a master of stealth.

And another one of one of my favourite RE4 characters. I’m still sad they killed him off, he had a lot of potential.

- Luis Sera developed a fascination with biology early on in life, and after leaving the village to go out and experience the real world, his fascination only grew stronger, as he was suddenly exposed to things he had never seen before. While Luis had always been an intelligent child and teenager, his real talents weren’t discovered until he attended university, where he obtained a degree in biology without having to actually make an effort. His main interests were microbiology and biomedical engineering, though in his spare time, he was also interested in marine biology. That was just a hobby, though.

- Luis and his family weren’t very close, as they were mainly interested in living a peaceful, quiet life, while Luis himself had always felt the strong urge to learn more about the planet he lived on and the people he shared it with, rather than being stuck in that village forever. The only good relationship he had was with his grandfather, who had been a hunter. The reason Luis was so capable with a gun was because his grandfather had taught him how to use it. It’s his favourite childhood memory.

- Luis was verbally very strong. His friends in uni would pick arguments and start debates with him all the time, but they never managed to win one, as Luis always had his facts straight. If needed, he could easily switch sides and play the devil’s advocate. This trait of his made it so that a lot of people really liked him, but a lot of people were also easily intimidated by him. That doesn’t mean he was a dick, though. He just really enjoyed a good debate, and never quite understood why so many people took those debates as a personal attack.

There you go, three headcanons for three different characters. If you liked them, feel free to let me know. If you have a 'three HC' request for other characters, drop them in my askbox. Thanks for reading.

[yamayuandadu]

Hecate: falsehoods and myths

While my blog generally focuses on China and Japan, occasionally other topics related to religion and mythology warrant a post too. Due to Halloween being right around the corner, I decided to finally cover something I've been meaning to for a long while – the large number of misinterpreted, misreported or outright made up information about my favorite minor figure from Greek mythology, Hecate. While only rarely present in myths, she's a mainstay of not only popculture, but also of what I think warrants being called “pop-spirituality”. Under the cut I will examine a number of claims commonly seen online, and provide both the necessary debunks as well as some interesting genuine information.

Falsehood #1: Hecate's three bodies represent the neopagan virgin, mother, crone trinity This claim, as  baffling as it is, made its way even to a number of academic publications – what prompted me to write this post was in fact stumbling upon it in a paper about a completely unrelated topic. In truth, there wasn't even such a thing as an universal “virgin-mother-crone” trinity in Greek mythology – the whole idea is a product of dubious 20th century scholarship, mostly that of Robert Graves, a man whose notable deeds include writing a number of seemingly entertaining historical novels, cheating on his wife with his “muses” (some of them teenaged), and introducing the world to a wide array of myths and interpretations he came up with himself, but presented as genuine (he want as far as lament that more credible authors refuse to spread his ideas further). The most prominent of them, outlined in his book White Goddess, was his belief in the existence of some form of universal goddess figure with three aspects, which he himself named rather inconsistently, and which he claimed corresponded to the phases on the moon. What is true is that Hecate was associated with the moon from the Hellenic period onward, with neoplatonic writers in particular highlighting this affinity. This appears to be derived from Hecate's role as a “light-bringing” deity, frequently depicted with torches in art. Her arguably most prominent appearance in a myth presents her as Persephone's guide on the way back to her mother, lighting the way through the underworld. A shift from a general light-bringing role to just an association with the moon likely occurred due to conflation occuring between Hecate and Artemis – however in earlier times she was also frequently associated with Apollo, who even held the title of “Hecaton” in some sanctuaries. It has also been suggested that originally the connection was based on Apollo being depicted as a “builder” deity, while Hecate's principal role was that of a guardian of homes, gates and roads, which made their purposes overlap. Due to the aforementioned moon connection, combined with the fact she was commonly depicted with three bodies in art, Hecate became a postergirl for Graves' theory. Of course, this association has no foundation in reality – Hecate is not described as triplicate in Hesiod's Theogony, the oldest source mentioning this goddess.

The oldest known depictions, both sculptures and pottery decorations, likewise depict her with only one body. Some later sources seemingly discussed the three bodied version as merely an art motif. Pausanias's travelogue presents the three bodied Hecate statues as an invention of the sculptor Alcamenes, and contrasts them with a single-bodied depiction: Within the enclosure [in Aegina] is a temple; its wooden image is the work of Myron, and it has one face and one body. It was Alkamenes, in my opinion, who first made three images of Hekate attached to one another, a figure called by the Athenians Epipurgidia [on the tower] It should be noted that yet other sources consider them to have religious importance as guardians of crossroads, though these claims are obviously not contradictory.  Additionally, a few pieces of art, such as the Pergamon altar, depict Hecate with three bodies despite presenting myths in which she only possessed one.

Hecate was consistently portrayed as a young woman (some pieces of art, like the one above, depicted her in an Artemis-like manner, in a knee length garment) and with some small exceptions, usually relying on conflation with various nymphs, ancient Greeks seemingly considered her a virgin goddess. There are no widely agreed upon ideas regarding any other figures being regarded as Hecate's children, and even after becoming only a distantly remembered boogeyman she was not depicted as an elderly woman. Falsehood #2:  a “pan-european” set of “witchcraft traditions” was derived from Hecate Most claims online related to witchcraft try to add a degree of complexity to what was senseless violence caused by moral panics, not dissimilar from the 1980s satanic panic. There was no “pan-european” component to them (beyond all instances of large scale witch hunts being motivated by religious fervor, of course), and in particular the worship of Hecate was neither extant at the time associated with witch hunts and the development of the modern western image of a witch, nor was it ever “pan-european”. If anything, an argument can be made that outside Greece and Anatolia, Hecate was more of a popular import in the east than in the west. Some Roman sources present the existence of Hecate household altars in Greece as a puzzling curiosity, which further strengthens this impression. The late version of her cult, presenting her as a witchcraft goddess spread to Egypt and Mesopotamia, while an older, more positive image of Hecate seemingly survived in far off Bactria. as evidenced for example by Agathocles’ coins with Zeus holding Hecate, seen below.

Neither version ever spread to western or northern Europe, though, and pretty clearly it did not survive in any form into the middle ages and beyond. Wikipedia mentions a truly outlandish modern association between Hecate and germanic wild hunt folklore, which strikes me as completely random. An actual well documented example of Hecate syncretism with a figure from outside Greek mythology involved the Mesopotamian underworld goddess Ereshkigal, however.

What's rather curious is that the very concept of Hecate as a witchcraft and underworld goddess might have been a relatively late development, and as such not an accurate representation her original character – and even in antiquity it wasn't an universally embraced association. Earliest Greek accounts of Hecate cast her in a positive, benevolent role. In the Theogony she's a titan siding with the Olympians and then aiding them during gigantomachia as well; in certain versions of the Persephone myth, for example in the Homeric Hymn to Demeter, she's an ally of Demeter offering her counsel and finally escorting Persephone back to her mother. Many of her epithets also point at a benign character.

The deity whose role was most likely the closest to Hecate's own before the negative associations made her little more than a boogeyman was Cybele. Iconography and surviving accounts of rituals to both of these figures bear many similarities, which is considered one of the strongest arguments in favor of Hecate being an Anatolian goddess adapted into the Greek pantheon due to contact between Greek colonist in Asia Minor with local inhabitants such as Carians. It's also worth noting that in Greece both Hecate and Cybele were generally worshiped at household shrines rather than official, large temples. Sometimes Hecate and Cybele were also depicted together, though it's generally agreed they were never conflated. It is still uncertain to what degree Hecate was associated with the underworld before becoming a goddess of witchcraft – some authors assume that she was already in part cthtonic as a Carian deity, while others assume she only started to fulfill this role due to the later witchcraft associations, or due to conflation with the goddess Enodia popular in Thessaly, who was depicted as a crossroad deity like Hecate and was associated with ghosts. Falsehood #3:Hecate was always depicted with animal heads While not entirely made up, this claim is rooted in the Argonautica Orphica, a text only written in the 5th or 6th century, and likely inspired by neoplatonic, gnostic and magical sources. A probable origin of animal-headed Hecate are Egyptian magical papyri, likely influenced by Greek perception of Egyptian religion, and to a large degree disconnected from worship of Hecate in, say, Caria or Phrygia. Earlier sources and art depict Hecate with a single, human, head on each body, as discussed above. The animal-headed image only developed when Hecate started to be perceived exclusively as a goddess of witchcraft and similar arts. However, even though that was always the perception of this deity in Roman sources and in most Greek ones from 5th century BC onward, a number of cult sites in Anatolia, for example the temple in Lagina, continued to venerate her under the regular guise, and one of the most prominent indications of a lasting devotion to her comes from Greco-Bactrian coinage depicting entirely human, single-headed and single-bodied Hecate with Zeus.

While Hecate was not depicted with animal heads before the dawn of Hellenic Egyptian magical papyri, from the very beginning she was associated with a number of animals, most importantly dogs, but also martens and polecats. Occasionally her animal companions were assumed to be humans cursed with such forms. While some versions of associated myths claimed Hecate cursed specific individuals (such as Gale or Hekuba) to live as animals, in others she instead took pity on victims of another deity's curse – for example, Antoninus Liberalis notes that it was believed that the polecat was a woman named Galinthias who was transformed into the animal by the Moirae and “Hekate felt sorry for this transformation of her appearance and appointed her a sacred servant of herself.” Occasionally Hecate was also depicted with lions, like Cybele and a variety of other Anatolian, Levantine and Mesopotamian goddesses. Falsehood #4: Statue of Liberty represents Hecate While the three falsehoods discussed earlier intersect and overlap, this one, as far as I can tell, developed separately, though it also was influenced by the idea of Hecate as a malevolent witchcraft goddess to a degree. Debunking it is much easier and doesn’t require any complex research – the Statue of Liberty was simply based on the personification of liberty depicted on the Great Seal of France:

While Statue of Liberty's crown does resemble that worn by one of the three bodies of a famous statue of Hecate, currently displayed in the Vatican Museum, this style of crown was associated more with solar deities, especially the late Roman god Sol Invictus, and I have been unable to find any other depictions of Hecate wearing it.

Bibliography:

Fragments from a Catabasis Ritual in a Greek Magical Papyrus by Hans D. Betz            

Hecate Cult ın Anatolia by Coşkun Daşbacak

Hecate: Her Role and Character  in Greek Literature From Before Fifth Century B.C. by Carol M. Mooney; some arguments on the contrary can be found in Hecate:  Greek or “Anatolian”? by William Berg

Theoi Hecate and Hecate cult pages - great source of quotations

COININDIA gallery of Agathocles’ coins

[sl-walker]

All right, since I’m in the middle of a flare and have to work manual labor for the next four days despite it, I figured I would make myself -- and hopefully other people -- laugh by talking about one of my favorite OG Captain Marvel stories. Namely, from Whiz #50, with a cover date of January, 1944, meaning it was probably produced sometime in late 1943.

I want to share it because why not, this is some absurdly charming stuff.

I’ll get more into why it’s one of my favorites as we go, in the form of running commentary. So, full story (with said commentary) under the cut. If you wanna just read the story without my commentary, stick to the pictures. XD

First, let me say that the cover and splash page definitely live up to the story, though the cover’s a bit more sensationalized. But the premise is pretty damn simple: Our intrepid hero and his newsboy alter ego are on vacation. Cap decides to go swimming. It goes hilariously wrong and thus ensues a bit of a madcap adventure, no puns intended.

Second, the fact that Cap and Billy are depicted as essentially different entities makes what Billy does next the ultimate trolling:

Gee, airing out the stolen laundry on the radio? Really? I’ll leave it up to you, gentle reader, whether Billy actually was trolling his own alter-ego for ratings or whether he was just innocently sharing the story while his other-self winced quietly in whatever ether-space he exists in when not front-and-center.

Either way, I love it.

Continuing on...

I get a kick out of the fact that Billy’s monologue is that he’s no dare-devil. One, because that’s so obviously not true in any way -- (that kid is awesomely, sometimes recklessly brave on the regular even without Cap) -- but two, because the bridge is actually named Dare-Devil Bridge. We aren’t given any reason why this dangerous potential death-trap is there, hanging without so much as a gate or a warning sign or anything, because we don’t need one. It’s there specifically for what happens next.

Which, of course, is Billy calling in Captain Marvel, who does some light complaining about the situation Billy left him in. There’s no bite to it, which I find adorable -- Cap actually does get frustrated once or twice in other issues with Billy calling on him for mundane stuff, though he’s never mean about it -- but there is a bit of the sense of being put-upon there that’s just-- I dunno, cute. It’s something I miss a lot in the various post-crisis takes on the character: That duality, that difference in personality, and the way each of them responds to different situations. Often, they’re on the same page, but notably, sometimes, they aren’t.

Someday, I promise, I need to sit down and write how I think that works between those two without being a truly frightening mental illness manifested, what with them being the same person but not the same person. Because I have so many ideas, and I’ve only had since the early-2000s to percolate them. LOL! But until then, just enjoy this.

Here is another reason why I love the Golden Age Captain Marvel books and why I love this specific story: This is an absolutely normal, mundane thing to do. It’s the human thing to do. These aren’t the actions of some super-serious superdude. These are the actions of a pretty shockingly normal guy doing something mundane. And a whole story is built around that normalcy.

It’s cute. It’s funny. It’s the reader already knowing that he’s getting himself into a situation that he absolutely could have avoided, but also completely understanding how it happened anyway. It’s pretty brilliant writing: I say this as a pretty damned good writer myself.

So much of the reason why, I think, Cap was so endearing as a hero is that humanity. He’s got pretty much god-tier power in the Golden Age, once his powerset is established. He’s utterly invulnerable to all physical harm while powered up. But-- he’s human. He knows he’s human. He acts like it, and decides, “You know what? I’m going skinny-dipping.”

He and Billy are both characters it’s so easy to empathize with.

Also, a reminder that the art under Chief Artist C.C. Beck is really, really good. (He had a whole stable of artists to help produce this stuff!) Ignoring registration issues on the printing press, the actual line art is amazingly good; proportion and perspective and consistency.

But anyway--Cap does get to enjoy his swim. But, then, oh no.

I love the idea of a world where the prime hero -- and he definitely is in that world -- can take off his suit and go swimming, and where someone else is bold enough to steal the damn suit off of him. The first time I read this, I started laughing here. Not at him, but at the situation he’s found himself in. At the idea that some random passer-by saw Captain Marvel’s costume and went yoink!

Another thing I love about this particular story is how much Cap and Billy have to work together, just by necessity. Like-- it’s just really good. But anyway, thank everything Billy Batson is on the ball, coming to the rescue.

Sheer bad luck via the weather keeps this story rolling along in hilarious misdirections. Realistically, that uniform probably wouldn’t be all buttoned together (we see Cap take off pieces of it aside the pants in other issues, including socks!), but who cares? The point of the story is that giant bear rug on the floor’s gonna get put to use.

Man, when have you ever seen Superman creeping naked through some stranger’s house wearing nothing but a random polar bear because he went skinny dipping? No wonder these comics sold so well. This next panel is when I start wheezing, though, and pretty much keep wheezing.

“A lady, too! I’ve got to get away from here!”

I’m dying at this point. That’s such a characteristic response, and yet, I think that’s why it’s funny.

Anyway, because this is an excellent story (I mean this without an ounce of irony, too), our dynamic duo stumbles across a plot in play to rob the hotel they’re staying at.

Here’s a big part of why this is such a good tale: Everything fits. Even when it isn’t explained, like Dare-Devil Bridge, it still fits. Why is the tree down? Because there was just a thunder storm, the same one that blew Cap’s suit into the room with the gangsters.

I don’t know if this is Otto Binder’s story, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. It’s a complete story told in relatively few pages that accomplishes everything it’s meant to.

Anyway, using foliage as cover, Cap gets to be heroic----then Billy gets to get back to the business of trying to stop the robbery of the hotel and get his heroic alter-ego dressed again.  Which leads to a rather adorable and funny scene of Billy not only trying to describe what Captain Marvel wears, but what size it would need to be tailored in.

(Cap is supposedly a 44 for a suit coat, we find in some earlier appearance, which would refer to his chest size.  So, an XL for shirts and suit-coats.  He’s a big guy, but he’s actually not a hulking huge guy.  But more on that later.)

I love the fact Billy tries to like-- use himself as a model.  Maybe in another ten years, kiddo.  Billy’s actually pretty buff for like a 12-14 year old, he’s not a scrawny kid at this point, but yeah, no.  LOL!

Another thing I also really, really love about this style, though, is that they draw Captain Marvel as being strong, as having a powerful build-- but not as a dehydrated body-builder with deep cuts. He’s got human proportions, regardless of his strength; he’s got a human build, not a superhuman one.

C.C. Beck had a lot of things to say about superheroes who were just muscles on top of muscles, all clearly defined, and he didn’t like it.  As someone who first got into comics in the early 90s with Jim Lee’s X-Men--

I do get Beck’s point.  I not only get it, but I really highly approve of it.  He maintained to the end that he drew (and oversaw) the Marvel family to look like high school and college athletes, and I can see that.  I think the one person who’s gotten it right in the modern era is Evan “Doc” Shaner, who did Convergence: Shazam!  He not only nailed that strong-but-not-hulking build for Cap, but also how young he looked.  College-age, in fact.

But anyway, enough digression into art and why I like this better than most modern takes on the character.  Also, that’s just a cute set of panels.

I also like that there wasn’t an easy fix there.  Cap’s still in his not-birthday suit, and Billy’s still stuck running around trying to solve the issues at hand.  Next comes some other really good panels:

-snorts-  He’s locked in.  Yeah, that’ll hold him.

Anyway, what I really liked here was again that tandem working; Billy can’t punch through a wall, but Cap can.  Cap can’t crawl out while he’s au natural -- well, he could, but he’d probably rather die first -- but Billy’s got no such issue.  It’s just fun when you get to see them doing something like that.  You have to really think for a minute about the trust each of them must have in their alter-ego.

ANYWAY, we get the rare treat then--

--of Captain Marvel not only yoinking a dude into a dark room, but then stealing his clothes.  Except, not his underwear.  Because that’s nasty.  LOL!

I love that in this series, you do actually get to see him wear other stuff.  Go incognito.  Get his red suit messed up enough to take it to a dry cleaner’s, wherein he ends up dressed like a musketeer after.  Jerry Ordway’s series is, I think, the only other time we see Cap not wearing his famous suit, but it happened enough in the Golden Age that it wasn’t a shock.

Like, I hate to be the one to say this, but I do think DC drops the ball often on just how much you can do with Captain Marvel (or Shazam, depending on timeline, but that’s the wizard’s name to me so mostly I’ll stick with the original name) if you unbend enough to.  It’s not just the costume change, or the duality of him and Billy being the same but not, but also his inherent, essential humanity.

But I am digressing again, sorry. XD  I just feel strongly enough about these versions of these characters to spend hours writing this.

Anyway, only a single panel later:

And that’s that!  Billy Batson has just outed his own alter-ego’s most embarrassing moment to whomever’s listening to WHIZ radio -- thank everything podcasts and the internet weren’t available then, ha! -- and we get to see a recounting of a very fun story.

Like I said earlier, I love this one for its essential humanity.  The hero got himself into this mess, he and Billy got him out of this mess, and stopping the criminals was actually just kind of a lucky stroke thrown in there.  But even though Cap got himself into this, the story never treats him like he’s stupid.  It never treats him like he’s some kind of idiot.  You’re laughing, but-- not in a mean way.

I love how human it is.  How complete it is.  How genuinely funny it is.  It’s a thousand times more funny when you genuinely love and respect Captain Marvel and Billy Batson, too.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this dissertation on a skinny-dipping hero.  LOL!  I enjoyed sharing it with you.

[tossawary]

Chapter 19: “Weddings and Funerals” of “pride is not the word I’m looking for” random favorite lines with commentary because I’m doing a re-read. Not a full list or full commentary. 

-

 When Shang Qinghua told Mobei-Jun that he didn’t need Shen Qingqiu assassinated, it wasn’t because he thought everything would somehow work out if he just sat back and didn’t do anything. It definitely wasn’t because he was planning a so-called “perfect murder” and didn’t want the demon lord messing up his plans. The Problem of Shen Qingqiu has always been a lot more  complicated than “just get rid of the guy potentially making my nephew’s life a living hell”. That’s why it’s a real problem! 

- 

AN: Shang Qinghua’s thought process: “Can this problem be solved by: 

A) Waiting for the problem to go away? 

B) Murder? 

C) None of the above? 

If the answer is C... 

Fuck, it’s a real problem.” 

- 

 Shang Qinghua thinks that might actually be possible, though he’d have to do some research and smack his head until his Author God memories hopped into line. He thinks that the youth-restoration procedure would probably do the job, but he also thinks that Shen Qingqiu would probably rather be dead than be physically sixteen again or something (super fucking understandable) and have to start the cultivation process over from scratch (ah, that would be so annoying and embarrassing). 

- 

AN: Given that I actually invented a de-aging potion for this fic (if one that’s difficult to put together), the AU of “Original Shen Qingqiu is physically 16 again” has been rattling around inside my head ever since I wrote these lines. Shen Qingqiu was like, “Wait, let me picture how unbearably overprotective Yue Qingyuan would be... hmm... no, I’ll just stay like this.” 

- 

 Luo Jiahui seems a little anxious about the empty spaces at the table, but she fills the space as best she can by chattering about assorted restaurant business. At least until she abruptly takes a deep breath and says, “Hua-Ge, I have something to tell you.” 

 Shang Qinghua freezes in the middle of taking a drink. His unhelpful brain immediately races to guess the worst possible conversational subjects. His sister-in-law has somehow figured out that he’s a transmigrator?! His sister-in-law has decided that her son is not going to the Demon Realm under any circumstances?! His sister-in-law knows Binghe better than he does and has realized that the young protagonist is being abused after all?! Oh,  fuck, what is it? 

 “I’m getting married!” Luo Jiahui announces, breathlessly. 

 “Oh,” Shang Qinghua says, heart rate going at the speed of sound. “Wait,  what?” 

- 

AN: This chapter is why I didn’t go into the details of LJH/LQG in the last chapter, immediately post-timeskip. I wanted to blindside everyone with an “Oh, it’s THAT serious?!” moment. The last chapter established that “SQH is handling things”, then this chapter establishes that, as the plot goes on, “SQH is only barely handling things”. Which helps prep the following breakdown with the System World Update in chapters 20-22. 

- 

 “You didn’t have any time for yourself,” Shang Qinghua agrees, following this conversation of very obvious things that he already knew so far. He didn’t have any time for himself back then either, between organizing a conference and finding a cure on top of the usual day-in-day-out of the sect. “You did a really good job looking after them all by yourself!” 

 “They don’t always agree with that,” Luo Jiahui says, smiling but self-deprecating. 

 “Aha, well, they’re young.” 

 The disagreements of what was best for the children is why Shang Qinghua really had to get Fanli (who didn’t see herself as a child) out of the house by any means necessary. He was at a bit of a loss at how else to help. She was never part of  Proud Immortal Demon Way! Not even as a fragment of backstory mentioned in passing! Shang Qinghua struggles to compensate for these extra people who were never characters sometimes. 

 “Qingge was very understanding,” Luo Jiahui says. “But… well… then Fanli was gone and I had the restaurant keeping me busy, but that was all my own choice… and what good was waiting really doing us? It didn’t have to be everything or nothing. So… we talked… about what we wanted and what- what we were afraid of… and we decided to go forward slowly.” 

- 

AN: I said in the Author’s Notes on AO3 that I was going to use Jiage to shame Moshang and Qijiu, and I meant it. TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! Shang Qinghua, you need to talk to Mobei-Jun about what you want! Shang Qinghua, you can’t keep putting things on hold because of the plot! 

- 

 No offense to either his sister-in-law or his junior martial brother, but aren’t love stories supposed to be a little more… fiery? 

 “When I was younger, I thought that falling in love was supposed to be all excitement and passion and not being able to live without someone even for a second,” Luo Jiahui admits, a little wistfully. “I thought that it was supposed to be thinking about them all the time, not being able to stay away from each other, and needing to know what they’d been doing every second they were away. It was like becoming a completely different person. I thought that being in love was about one of us getting horribly jealous every time we even talked to someone else, doing things I didn’t really understand and changing myself just to keep him happy, and keeping secrets and sneaking around just to keep things from exploding. Because love is not being able to help yourself like that, right?” 

 Shang Qinghua can’t really manage to speak right now. 

 It’s like someone has cut his fucking throat. 

 Which is fine! 

 “But that ended really badly for me,” Luo Jiahui says, with a nervous huff at her own understatement. “It was very exciting, but looking back, being in that kind of love was also very frightening sometimes… and it was a little lonely too… being in love with someone I couldn’t really talk to or trust.” 

-

AN: This is more specifically vagueing SVSSS Bingqiu than Moshang, but it’s also shaming Moshang too. Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky wrote some extremely messed-up romances and he would have said, “Yes! It’s all super messed-up! That’s kind of the point!” But it also means that the man can’t really conceptualize (at least at first) or articulate the kind of relationship he would actually be happy to have with Mobei-Jun, especially when his relationship with Mobei-Jun had such violent beginnings 

- 

 The first person he tells himself is, weirdly enough, Qi Qingqi. Liu Qingge apparently already told both Liu Mingyan and Luo Fanli before he left, so Shang Qinghua heads over to see how the girls are handling it. (Also, he wants to pump Liu Mingyan for information on her mother’s opinions on weddings and marriage, in a really pathetic attempt to ready himself for the rumble.) He makes her agree to keep the information to herself before telling and she does, like a bro! 

 And then he tells and she laughs in his fucking face! Eventually, she realizes that he’s looking for sympathy, he’s not just here to let her enjoy his suffering, as a form of payment after everything he and Liu Qingge have inflicted on her. Then she laughs at him again, even louder. 

 Sure, he’d laugh too if he was in her shoes! But not to her face! Rude! 

 - 

AN: Qi Qingqi also pointed while laughing, I think. It’s funny because it’s not her dealing with Liu Family shit this time. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua expected, this time last year, to be laser-focused on the plot! His attention was not going to stray even a little bit, he promised himself; he was going to be 110% dedicated to making sure that everyone he tripped into caring about made it through the least shitty version of  Proud Immortal Demon Way  possible. He was going to be a  machine  of a transmigrator! No distractions! All he wanted was for his family to make it through the quickest, least shitty bare bones of a plot! And he was going to  achieve, damn it! 

 Instead, he finds himself planning his sister-in-law’s wedding and it eats up time he didn’t fucking know he had to give. Immortal Alliance Conference, eat your fucking heart out! Cang Qiong Mountain Sect? Did he work there? Nope, he’s never heard of the place! He’s the Peak Lord of wedding planning now! 

- 

AN: This is me telling myself I’m going to get my life 100% together and then getting into a new video game and baking cookies instead. Or ditching my housecleaning plans to hang out with friends at a moment’s notice. 

- 

 At the wedding itself, Fanli tells her sister’s father-in-law that Binghe is also  very into birds and Shang Qinghua’s nephew spends a good chunk of the rest of the celebrations (and his precious time away from Qing Jing Peak) held hostage by his own politeness, listening to his new grandfather earnestly tell him about the various migration habits of demonic birds. 

 Well! Better him than Shang Qinghua, honestly! 

-

AN: Inspired by that time we went on vacation and one of my brothers got mistaken by one of our travelling companions for a budding serious birdwatcher instead of someone who just thinks they’re neat - and also likes to point at them and intentionally call them by the wrong name. 

Also, LQG’s Dad in this fic and SY would probably get along super well. 

LQG and his dad in this universe have gone out on month-long camping trips to in which they pretty much don’t talk the entire time. They stalk monsters through the wilderness and have a great time.

- 

 Shang Qinghua is too busy keeping an eye on Luo Fanli and being  not talked to by Liu Mingyan, who is eighteen-ish years old now he thinks and still deeply embarrassed by the fact that he told her off for her real person fiction. (He doesn’t want to discourage her passion for writing! She’s pretty good for a kid! It’s pretty cute! Everyone needs their escapist hobbies! He just doesn’t want identifying information about his family being spread around freely, even if the characterizations of the couple are… uh… wildly reimagined, and he doesn't want to have to spend his very valuable time keeping a lookout for more illicit fiction.) It’s difficult to read her expression through the ever-present veil, but… yeah, she’s still pissed off at him.

 Ugh, teenagers. 

 Binghe is not allowed to bring several hundred nieces-in-law into Shang Qinghua's life. Just... no. Fuck, no. 

 He doesn’t even get a date to commiserate about this with. 

 It’s a very small wedding, family only (Luo Jiahui’s shitty parents  don’t count  and her older brother was forced to decline the invitation), so that Luo Jiahui and Liu Qingge can keep their privacy. Madam Liu huffed about it - the battles in talking her down were both great and terrible - but her son stood his ground! Sure, people might whine someday about not being invited, but the great thing about Liu Qingge is that they can more or less just say,  “Well, we couldn’t stop him from doing whatever he wanted!”  And people just have to take that unless they want to claim they could take on the Bai Zhan Peak War God! 

- 

AN: Trying to imagine the AU in which SQH brought MBJ as his date to this wedding. SQH would’ve liked to be able to bring MBJ as a date, but alas, they are not dating and the groom would probably try to kill the man. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua is not expecting, soon after returning from his sister-in-law’s happy and long-awaited wedding, to be solemnly informed that Shen Qingqiu’s health has only really deteriorated these past months. Wow, that’s a huge downer. 

 Also, he already knew that? He’s been getting Mu Qingfang all the right supplies to treat their shixiong. He didn’t actually abandon his duties to the sect for a family wedding. He knew that Shen Qingqiu had fallen sufficiently ill to need tending on Qian Cao Peak in the past month and he considered it, well, convenient timing in regards to Binghe’s permission to attend his mother’s wedding not being randomly revoked. Cold-hearted, maybe! But he had lots of other things to worry about at the time, like informing Mobei-Jun that his sister-in-law was getting married and so he’d be regrettably absent to attend the wedding. 

 Then he’s told that Shen Qingqiu is not expected to improve this time. 

  “Oh, shit, they really think he’s dying,” Shang Qinghua realizes. 

 This really wasn’t in  Proud Immortal Demon Way. 

- 

AN: I seriously contemplated cutting this chapter in half because of this mood switch. Like, I went in intending on writing a serious mood switch, but in practice, wow. It felt like a lot more in practice. 

- 

 “Our sect leader asks about the boy and his progress,” Shen Qingqiu rasps, his voice turning more and more accusing. “He’s  so very  concerned about the boy. We can’t have such a beloved child  crying  to his devoted family that he’s been mistreated or neglected, can we? How flattering these assumptions are. It makes a man wonder what exactly people think he’s going to  do to the boy.” 

 Shang Qinghua might have an itemized list somewhere, honestly. 

 “Ah, I can’t speak for anyone else,” Shang Qinghua says finally. “But please don’t take it personally, Shen-Shixiong. I don’t really trust anyone. Anything can happen behind a locked door, you know?” 

 Some honest cynicism can go over well with the man. 

 Shen Qingqiu laughs bitterly now. 

- 

AN: It can be fun in media where Character A is like, “Ahhh, I hope no one discovers my secret!” And Character B is like, “So, about this extremely obvious thing that you’re doing...!” 

Shen Qingqiu is as honest and open as he is throughout this scene because he honestly thinks that he’s dying. He’s determined to be blithe about it. 

- 

Shang Qinghua at least gets to see Mu Qingfang’s face journey as Shen Qingqiu accuses their sect leader of letting him think that he’d left him to die. As Shen Qingqiu yells about being treated like an unwanted ghost, as a potential blackmailer, as an embarrassing disappointment, as a petty troublemaker, as a spoiled child, as a problem to be solved, and as the last blemish on Yue Qingyuan’s reputation - anything but as someone worthy of being trusted with Yue Qingyuan’s problems and of being treated like an equal friend. 

 Yue Qingyuan tries to explain that he didn’t think Shen Qingqiu wanted to hear his excuses, and Shen Qingqiu shoots back that he would rather fucking die than beg the man he’d thought had forgotten about him to explain when exactly he became not worth rescuing as soon as possible. 

 Yue Qingyuan tries to explain that he didn’t want Shen Qingqiu’s pity or to force the man to be grateful that he’d  tried. 

 Shen Qingqiu tells the man to go fuck himself. How could it not hurt for someone he loved to hurt him and then just…  move past the hurt  like the pain wasn’t  who they were? 

 “All the world could revile me… reject me… leave me to die… and I would pay their hatred no heed! What do they truly know of what I am? Of who I am?” Shen Qingqiu demands. “But if  Qi-Ge  could throw me away… decide that I just wasn’t worth the  trouble anymore now that he’d had a taste of a better life… then I really must be wretched beyond all things at the root! If he believed it, then… then it had to be true.” 

- 

AN: Because I just wrote a Qijiu confrontation over this exact thing, like, a few days before, I thought that I could get away with writing out this entire confrontation in full. I think it works better if the audience has to imagine some of it. And because SQH is the POV character, it felt right that he not be in the room and not be a full witness to this scene. He doesn’t get to see everything. 

[grainjew]

Random ask time! Care to name ten fics, any fandom, that you have or plan to reread? (Not necessarily your top ten because top ten is hard but ten that you genuinely enjoy.)

hi lynse i can’t believe you slightly switched the ask subject from what you were contemplating sending in dms. yes i do care to do this!!! fics follow

these are arranged in literally no order whatsoever except vaguely the order I remembered they existed and tragically they will mostly not be readable for you lynse on account of us sharing fandoms basically never. but in any case!!! let’s go!!!!

A Professor and a Student - LeDiz - Pokemon Anime (Alola) - multichap, complete - Professor Kukui’s pov outsider on Ash, through interstitial set during the first season of Alola anime. This fic is the fic that got me into pokeani in the first place, and I have reread it all the way through at least once and specific chapters genuinely so many times. it’s good! it’s got so many fun reveals! it’s even got a surprise plot! if someone is in pokeani fandom though there’s like a 95% chance they’ve already read it, so it’s kind of pointless to recommend

Broken Rules and Consequences - Redring 91 - Doctor Who (All Eras) - series, ongoing i think - This is one that i’m planning to reread rather than one i’ve already reread: I first read it back when i was originally into dw, in like 2013, and honestly lynse the timing was probably right for me to have recced it to you back then. in any case i have a friend who vouches for its continued quality, and it was straight-up the only dw fic i kept up with for several years after i first fell out of the dw fandom. it’s a really excellent exploration of all the times the doctor has met their past and future selves, and i highly recommend it. it’s also very long, so watch out!

An Unexpected Greeting - kimirice​ - Pokemon Anime (Alola) - threeshot, ongoing - it’s a fic in the “cynthia runs into ash in alola and dumbfounds his entire class” genre and it’s a good one. my favorite one. i reread it whenever i want to feel serotonin in my bones. serotonin does not go in bones. whatever, this fic is such a joy, it’s pretty short, please read it if you too want serotonin in your bones on account of revealssssss

Phone A Friend - TheBigCat - Doctor Who (Seventh Doctor Era / Gallifrey Audios Era) - oneshot - this is another “reread when i want serotonin in my bones” fic. it really is amazing just how much joy can be stored in a single 1K oneshot, it makes me so happy, that’s ace’s space dad........... wahhh the au - everything’s fine tag on this one really carries it right into my heart

dreamt you a kinder future - Sixteenthdays - Dream SMP - multichap, ongoing - my FRIENDS forcibly got me into the damn MINECRAFT RP. this is all you will see of it on this blog ever because i do have SOME dignity left but if you HAVE gotten bodily dragged into caring about the block men yourself please do enjoy this time travel fixit about pre-plot Dream getting dropped into post-Doomsday era canon and dealing with the fact that his future self is evil and ruined all his relationships. its very good i reread the ranboo chapter regularly

The Red Coast - Maldoror_Chant - One Piece - oneshot - genuinely hilarious pov outsider on post-skypiea straw hats via some idiot bounty hunters who think they‘re easy prey. it’s a lot of fun and it took me three entire rereads to catch the punchline, which i am still mad about. please read this fic i am shaking my fist at it

Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce - Izzyaro - Pokemon Anime (Kalos Era) - multichap, abandoned(?) - a few years after the kalos crisis, Bonnie sets out on her own pokemon journey. told through the eyes of her very alarmed traveling companion, who so incredibly doesn’t know what to make of her. yes, it only has two chapters and hasnt updated in years. i do not care. the chapters stand alone as oneshots and this fic has done so much for me. its like 90% of the reason i write bonnie the way i do its such a joy

Keeping a Welcome - Gramarye (ao3 | ffn) - The Dark is Rising Sequence - oneshot - did you ever wonder, gee, zeph, why do you write so much loyalty content? and why is it all Like That? well, the answer is that i read this fic at a formative age and imprinted on it like a baby bird, and then subconsciously was shaped by it for the next decade. genuinely it is SO good. it’s so good guys. guys it’s so good im going to cry just thinking about it. o a t h s ,,,  wahhhhhhh gramarye is probably my favorite fic author ever i love their stuff SO much. so much. i am going to cry im telling you!!!!!! (also while I'm here I also recommend everything else theyve ever written, especially the Eirias Triad, which i have reread probably as many times as there are fingers in my house, and which is only not on an entry on this list on account of me wanting to keep it at one rec per author)

Nah - soomin - One Piece - oneshot - the straw hats have been stuck in a time loop of their entire lives for many, many years, and boy are they having a good time causing chaos. this is one of the only op time travels that i feel like accurately captures what would actually happen if luffy did a time travel, and i love it. they’re having so much! infinite retries for the best adventure ever!

Insomnia - tikitikirevenge - The Legend of Zelda (Majora’s Mask) - multichap, abandoned(?) - novelization of majora’s mask with a twist: instead of resetting the three day loop every time, link gets exactly 5 cycles, and the whole thing is a stable time loop. its true it hasnt updated since 2015, but it was my favorite zelda fic back in middle school and i still reread it every few years to confirm that it’s just as good as i remember: it somehow always is. and every time, i forget just how agonizing (complimentary) the link&tatl friendship slowburn is like dear lord does this author know how to write a slowly developing relationship hh i wish more people would read this fic it’s really just very good ok dont mind that its abandoned just before the snowpeak temple

[aestheticaxolotl]

Lets Talk About Gunnar Maelstrom

Evil Daddies is where it’s at.

One of the meanings of the word "Maelstrom" is 'A situation of state of confused movement or violent turmoil.

Let me start with Maelstrom, usung the Carmen Sandiego Wiki to break him down as a whole, starting with appearance and personality (Excluding the comments around his action in the show, this will be hard seeing his major inclusion to the story so please bear with me once more as I do this).

Professor Maelstrom is a middle-aged man with pale skin and white hair with a receding hairline. He has broad shoulders and wears a black blazer over a dark gray turtleneck. As stated previously, Maelstrom is seen as being an almost unnaturally pale color, hinting towards possible Albinism.

Now, Middle aged according to the wiki page is between 50 and 60. Seeing the receding hairline and the lines on his face (Also can someone point me to a source about those random chin hairs? Like please I need context). 

He obviously has stress and sleep lines. I imagine these are due to his life choices and idiot operatives. His ethnicity is stated as being Swedish but continues to contradict itself when it later states that Maelstrom is from Scandinavia. I think this is to throw the readers and deep show watchers off and it would work better if both ethnicity and race were left as unknown. 

Now we move on to the easier things, personality, which is LONG. So let me start writing!

Of the five members of V.I.L.E's faculty, Maelstrom seems to command the most authority and serve as the de facto leader of the group, being the first to speak as well as hand out orders. As one may expect, Professor Maelstrom is criminally insane, which is ironic, considering his forte is psychiatry. Professor Maelstrom often likes to tinker with his patients' psyches and enjoys psychologically evaluating students, much like someone finding joy in pulling the wings off a butterfly. He does possess some level of awareness to his own insanity, though he is quick to brush it off as a mere label that other weak-minded people have given him. He also has an apparent fondness for the more psychotic recruits. In keeping with his name, his main desire is to spread chaos and disorder, with any actual gain being a secondary concern at best. Carmen considered him to be creepy, and rightfully so after he and Dr. Bellum collaborated to wipe Crackle's brain. Professor Maelstrom loathes Cookie Booker as he has no tolerance for her stuck up behavior towards him. He seems to have a fondness for marine life, as his office hosts a giant aquarium filled with jellyfish and other specimens. His use of the term "bait" as a pun is in reference to fishing bait, and in the novel adaptation, it is used twice. Further expanding the psychological exam scene from the show, in the novel, he declares that Carmen gave the "wrong" answer to the Rorschach test, stating that the image was a seahorse. The novelization expanded his sense of humor, though it mentions that even that had a dark and unpredictable tinge to it, showing delight in the lengths that his students would go in order to not be called upon in class. The show does have him throw a small quip every once in a while, often tinged with exasperation at his colleagues' antics or ignorance. He also enjoys making Countess Cleo envious of his fashion style, having asked Le Chevre and El Topo in the "The Fishy Doubloon Caper" to acquire an Ecuadorian Eight Escudos doubloon to be melted into solid gold cufflinks.

As done in my previous post, I will be diving deeper into the statement in the bolded font. 

Maelstrom seems to command the most authority and serve as the de facto leader of the group,

I don’t see any major reason for this face besides that there is a level of respect among the Faculty that centers around Maelstrom, seeing as he is one of the psychologically smarter than any of the other members, except Shadowsan but that is a post for another day. He is a very scary character because he is unpredictable, and possibly in the minds of the other, can be blamed for their crimes should they ever had been caught, but this leads me to my second quip with Gunnar Maelstrom.

Professor Maelstrom is criminally insane, which is ironic, considering his forte is psychiatry

When one looks up the term ‘Criminally insane’ we get the following “an accused person that is deemed to be suffering from cognitive illness or fault which frees then of lawful accountability for the unlawful behaviors” from https://psychologydictionary.org/criminally-insane/. 

I cannot at all say that I support this terminology on the stance that Maelstrom is more than aware of his action, to the point where he logically makes the choices to leave his fellow faculty behind at the prospect of capture. One cannot say that a “Criminally insane’ person is able to make these choices so quickly and with such calculation as to pack a go bag and hire an escape driver. But I digress.

He does possess some level of awareness to his own insanity, though he is quick to brush it off as a mere label that other weak-minded people have given him.

I don’t think that Maelstrom can stand to be labeled by other people. The exact use of the phrase “Weak-minded’ points me to believe that Maelstrom sees himself as mentally stronger, powerful, and far beyond that of the average person. This points to his class, and I’ll explain this in the next part, being the most critical and important to V.I.L.E as a whole.

His main desire is to spread chaos and disorder

This is WAY too specific to just be a drop in detail. No character is created be be a chaotic mixture, but they are built to SPREAD chaos, and Maelstrom is the perfect character to do this. His favor to Paperstar is a direct jab at this detail about him, she is an element of chaos that he put into play, the disorder of her is why he places her, while the other faculty hate Paperstar, he finds her the perfect wild card.

Professor Maelstrom loathes Cookie Booker 

I fully think this is, as the wiki and al of my sources say, Cookie Booker represents the original 1998 Carmen Sandeigo. And the loathing between them is a reference to the original game and books.

He seems to have a fondness for marine life, as his office hosts a giant aquarium filled with jellyfish and other specimens.

Not gonna lie, but I love this detail. The details, that caused me to GO BACK and watch the episodes with Maelstrom, was that the man likes fish. This adds onto the effect that he is rather cold and uncaring towards people, seeing them a thing to observe and keep. I also just love the idea of him having a fish tank and spoiling his goldfish that he named Clyde or something equally related to big time crime, like Al Capone or as said before Clyde.

He also enjoys making Countess Cleo envious of his fashion style

I’m sorry but Cleo and Gunnar challenging each other to see who is better in fashion? I’m sorry but they are the fashion police. Also I think this places WHO he is close to in the Faculty. I am very willing to bet that Maelstrom, who left Coach Brunt to drown and die, would NEVER leave Cleo or Bellum (Possibly) to die because they align more with HIS goals.

Brunt is... Dare I say... THE DUMBEST OF THE V.I.L.E FACULTY

WHAT DOES SHE DO?!?!

WHY IS SHE HERE?!

SHE’S STRONG AND THAT’S IT!

I digress (i used that phrase twice now), I just think his goals line up more with Cleo and (Again, possibly) Bellums’.

Now I go onto my favorite part of these paragraphs, the trivia/abilities. I love trivia/abilities, just because everyone sees this word and they are like ‘oh it’s just dumb facts’. BUT NO! It’s DENSTRAMENTAL to the character and links to their personalities.

He is capable of expertly performing a bait and switch. Professor Maelstrom specializes in psychiatry. He has been shown to have a favorite student, similar to the other faculty, in Paper Star; despite her disregard of the protocol in Mumbai. His grudge against Cookie Booker could be a subtle reference to the hostile relationship that his previous incarnation had with Carmen Sandiego in the 90's cartoon. As shown in the season three episode, The Haunted Bayou Caper, he has a fondness for Halloween.

Most od this is already covered, i know, so I won’t go over what I already did. SO let me just say... I know-

He is capable of expertly performing a bait and switch 

I NEED to SEE Maelstrom just- *Pulls and Bait and switch* -STEAL FROM SOMEONE. Like. I could totally believe that Maelstrom is the sleekest, most sneaky, most Swiper is swiping guy in the world. I am okay with letting them tell me this, but NO okay with them not SHOWING ME.

Netflix, I HOPE you see this so you can give me a SHOW on HOW GUNNAR MET MY MOTHER, COUNTESS CLEO.

He has a fondness for Halloween.

Charlie Pants. 

Do I need to say any more?

Okay, big ending time. So Gunnar Maelstrom, a deeply interesting character, mysterious backstory that a person can read into, different fun facts that lead to speculation and interest and amazing stories. I love Gunnar Maelstrom’s character, his personality, and his appearance. His effect? 100. His story? 100. His ability to make me rewatch the series? 100. 

Thanks for reading this. I’ll have another one out soon! Requests are open

[thesunnyshow]

Name: Megan

Writing Blog URL(s): @yunocity​

What fandom(s) do you write for? NCT (127, Dream, Wayv, U)

Age: 20

Nationality: Asian American

Languages: English, Hmong with limited knowledge in Chinese and Korean

Star Sign: Sun: Scorpio, Moon: Taurus, Rising: Aquarius 

MBTI: ESTJ-A

Favorite color: Black, red, white

Favorite food: Spring rolls

Favorite movie: Miracles in Cell No.7, Love Rosie

Favorite ice cream flavor: Mango

Favorite animal: Baby pandas

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Tea!

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Marketer for a luxury fashion company or a high-end makeup brand

Go-to karaoke song: Video Games- Lana Del Ray

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?: Mind Reading!

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose?: Roaring 20s

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?: No, I think the way my life is laid out is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve learned from them. I think if I were to restart my life, I’d not be who I am at this moment and I like who I am right now, I like who I’ve grown to be! 

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken?: 100 chicken-sized horses 

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?: The dancers/athletes!

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?: I’m skeptical about them so yes 

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?: If you look closely, my eyes are different shades of brown!

When did you post your first piece?: May 11, 2020

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr?: I’ve been on Tumblr for a long time, but I’ve only gotten into reading other accounts’ works 2-3 years ago. Eventually, they inspired me into wanting to make my own writing account and share my stories and ideas!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?: Nope!

What inspires you to write?: My emotions and ideas. Also reading old texts from people I love or used to be in my life, tv shows/movies/kdramas, vision boards, and aesthetics of different countries around the world. Most of the time, my mind just comes up with wild random scenarios.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?: I take a break! I’d close my laptop and usually go dance (it’s a way for myself to take a break, yet still feel physically inspired), spend time with family, grab a snack, do some digital art, or research a conspiracy theory!

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?: Yes, I write smut (legal members only ofc), angst, and general. I write those kinds of genres because those are the most common and there’s so much that you can do with them! You can write them however you want and write whatever kind of plot you see fit, there’s so much flexibility.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?: As of right now, I have been writing for “X Readers” because I want to be really inclusive of everyone! I don’t think I’ll go into OCs or ships (assuming idol and another idol?) because I don’t see that as inclusive. I most likely will stick to “X Readers”.

Who is your favorite person to write about?: Jaehyun from NCT

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?: I’ve only gotten to post one kind of au (arranged marriage au), but some that I have in my drafts that I absolutely enjoy are idol au, friends to lovers au, enemies to lovers au, mafia au, fwb au, and mythology au. A genre I also love writing is angst!

What is your writing process like?: I usually write at night after I shower and do my night routine. I plug in some headphones, play some music that fits the mood of the story presently, and start writing! If I have writer’s block, I’ll usually watch some old mvs that bring back old memories!

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?: I haven’t published it yet, because it’s still under the wraps and I want to post about other members too, but I have a mythology au with Jaehyun and it’s my absolute favorite right now! I can’t wait to post it!!

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?: Yes and no! Yes, because whenever I think of (original) prose I think of a technique of writing that flows naturally with speech and has grammatical structure, so as long as stories have those skills, I would consider them as so. We as humans actually speak, write, and think in prose because it’s seen as a straightforward language and conversational speech. No, because at the same time prose consists of many things. There are several types of prose (non-fictional, fictional, heroic, poetic), so if a story states that it is a specific prose, I would say there is a difference!

What do you think makes a good story?: Emotion 100%. The ability to write with emotions without straightforwardly telling the readers what kind of emotion is felt within a character. Also description of an environment, again, having the ability to describe a moment without stating it like it’s supposed to be obvious. 

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?: The emotion that my writing invokes from them. I want them to read my work and feel the emotion that I’m trying to provoke! Also the fact that I work hard and put a lot of thought while being realistic as I can with the plot! 

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?: Not yet!

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?: Ones that I love are enemies to lovers, friends with benefits to lovers, friends to lovers, different worlds (metaphorically), and I have some more that I can’t think of! Ones that I cannot stand are, stuck together to lovers, secret billionaire, childhood marriage promises, amnesia, and “If i can’t have you, no one will!!” 

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?: Definitely my process/planning; on how I think of a story and plan it out on my iPad with a bunch of side notes and idea webs.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?: Oh, it means so much, I can’t even explain. I love it when I get asks that tell me about how mad they are, how much they cried, or how happy they are about something that happened in the story. It means a lot because it means that they actually read through my work and enjoyed it. I love it when my followers and anons talk to me in general!

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?: Yes, I definitely think that we get judged for being too much in our head or having too many unrealistic fantasies. Fanfic writing is just another way of expressing our ideas simply with the person we adore from a group, it doesn’t necessarily mean we fantasize it to happen. 

Do you think art can be a medium for change?: Yes! I think that any idea from the mind that expresses emotion and inspiration visually or not, is considered an art. There’s a lot that goes into writing than what people think! Such as finding the creativity for metaphors in a story that will not only bring out emotion from the character and reader, but also a visual representation to symbolize the emotion. 

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?: Yes, I always get asks asking me when I’ll update, but it’s not too much of a bother because I know they’re just really excited for the next part or another set of work. 

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?: Not at all, I think I do a fairly good job at writing to the point where there’d be no misunderstandings. 

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?: No, I like to keep it private because I’d rather have them not tease or make fun of me for what I genuinely like to do. 

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?: That I literally love them all so much and I appreciate each and every one of them. I mean it from the bottom of my heart, they’re all so nice, welcoming, and supportive. It encourages me to write more! 

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?: Definitely go for it! You’ll never know until you try! There will be people who don’t like it, but those who truly love your writing will support you forever, will stick around, encourage you, and lift you up. Be confident in your writing, be confident that your brain came up with such an amazing plot/story and has woven so many things together to create it!

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?: I do have a few mutuals that I talk to. One of them has read my story and given such good feedback, which I loved because I’m always looking for opportunities to grow as a writer. 

Pick a quote to end your interview with: “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” -Will Smith

BONUS K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

Interested in your very own episode of The Sunny Show? Find out how to apply HERE.

[allisondraste]

Let’s Talk About Cole

Hi! It’s me again with another segment of “Allison Can’t Stop Analyzing Dragon Age Characters.”  This time, I am going to be talking about fan favorite Cole.  I think it’s relatively universal for people to like Cole and to enjoy his character.  People like to draw him, write about him, and just talk about our Fade Friend all the time. It’s great! 

However, the nuance of Cole is a little harder to understand, and as with most characters, he often gets reduced down to basic qualities and then those basic qualities are changed ever so slightly that the character starts to not even feel the same anymore.  I love Cole, and I have done some research about him in order to write a handful of scenes involving him, so I am just here to share some of the things that helped me out while I was learning about what makes him tick!

Step 1. If you have not read Asunder, I cannot more highly recommend it.  It has so much information about Cole’s back story.  Also, if you haven’t read Asunder and you don’t want spoilers for Asunder, you should probably go read it and then come back to my post later.

Step 2.  The Cole section of this post right here is literally magic.  The whole post is magic, but since this is a Cole meta, I’m specifically referring to the Cole piece.

Step 3.  Things about Cole that are essential to understanding him:

Cole is Neurodivergent ( and no, it’s not up for debate)

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “Neurodivergent” is simply a word that describes a person whose mind works and processes information in a way that is considered different from an average joe neurotypical person.  Often times neurodivergent is used to describe autism, ADHD, and other conditions that affect neurological development.

Because Cole is a spirit, he processes the world around him differently from non-spirit characters in the Dragon Age Universe.  He perceives different things and understands things differently from how other characters might.  Cole also has some misunderstandings and misperceptions about human social norms and boundaries, that he becomes more acquainted with over time.  It is important to note that this development happens *regardless* of the path chosen for him with regard to Varric V. Solas (I am not a fan of this particular part of his character arc, but I am going to go into that later). The fact that Cole is neurodivergent means that someone who is neurotypical is likely going to have a hard time understanding him and may perceive him as “childish,” “naive,” or “helpless.”  They might also have difficulty understanding his speech patterns and especially recreating them if they seek to write him!

Neurodiversity is so important, and Cole is excellent representation, so it’s equally important that we strive to do our research and make sure that we are not removing that representation or presenting neurodiversity in a way that its harmful to others.  Different is different, not bad, and certainly not less.

Cole is Not a Child

I mentioned above that there is a tendency to interpret Cole’s neurodiversity as childishness or naivete, and even when it is unintentional, it is an ableistic view point that can be harmful to entire communities of people.  There is a pattern (not just in DA fandom, but also in DA fandom) whereby neurodiverse folks are often viewed as children.  They’re infantilized and treated as if they are helpless and/or cannot make good decisions on their own. Cole suffers from this as does Merrill (sometimes Sera, too).  

For Cole, this situation is not helped by the fact that the game portrays him as helpless and in need of a “father” figure to help him choose his path.  Hence we see Solas and Varric arguing on whether Cole should increase is affinity for spirtdom or for humanity.  I understand that everyone has their own opinion for what the “better” path for Cole is, and I’m not here to argue that; however, I do think that his arc would have had so much more meaning and been so much less invalidating for neurodivergent people if Cole had the autonomy to make his own decisions. In Asunder, we see Cole being very independent and making his own choices, figuring out who and what he is.  At the very end, his very last line in the entire book is, “I’m not helpless anymore.”  I don’t think that sounds like a character who cannot make his own decisions.

Fun fact: Cole is designed to be approximately 20 years old, which is the exact same age that Alistair was in Dragon Age: Origins.  (While Alistair is also the victim of infantilization… it still puts things into perspective a little bit). In order to avoid the “kid”/child dilemma, it is best to conceptualize some of the things in Cole commonly interpreted as childlike or immature as “newness.”  In Inquisition, Cole has only been in the mortal realm for a few years, and he has only been cognizant of the fact that he is not a human, but a spirit of Compassion for even less time.  Rather than treating him as a “baby” it is best to treat him as someone who is just learning a new culture, a new world.  

Cole is a Spirit of Compassion, Not a Spirit of Matchmaking and/or Meddling in your Personal Affairs.

A trend I see often is Cole as matchmaker, or Cole as interested in every detail of everyone’s sex life or Cole being a filterless vent for whatever the people near him are thinking.  It’s easy to assume that about him, as he does comment on a few relationships (Cullenmance, Solavellan, and Bullmance) in particular; however, there is an interesting tidbit of how Cole’s thought reading works located in his banter with Dorian.

Dorian: That little trick, Cole, when you dip into someone's mind and take a drink?

Dorian: Do you choose what you're looking for, or is it random?

Cole: It has to be hurt, or a way to help the hurt. That's what calls me.

Cole: Rilienus, skin tan like fine whiskey, cheekbones shaded, lips curl when he smiles.

Cole: He would have said yes.

Dorian: I'll... thank you not to do that again, please.

Essentially, Cole can only tap into thoughts that are 1.) Painful or 2.) Can help lessen the pain in some way, shape, or form. So, when he accesses thoughts about an LI or something else very personal, he does so to HELP.  It is not random.  It is not filterless.  It is a very pragmatic way to be compassionate. When I was thinking of ways to explain this, the first thing that came to mind was the work that I do as a mental health professional.  We are actual practitioners of compassion.  It is our job to listen to our clients and help them to solve the problems that are causing them to suffer.  We ask a lot of deep questions and probe about a lot of personal things, but it is very targeted.  We do not ask intimate questions just out of curiosity or just for the heck of it.  It is geared toward the issue at hand.  That is exactly what Cole does.  

Unless prodding your OC about the details of their sex life is going to make them feel better, he will not bother.

Cole is Not an Innocent, Precious, Little Cinnamon Roll

First of all, that goes along with the infantilization of his character, so it’s just a really ill-considered choice of language to describe him.  Second of all, it is simply not true.  

I understand that for people who have not read Asunder or played the Champions of the Just questline (and especially people who have done neither)  there is very little information about him to judge his character on, and what we do see is a person whose only mission, his sole purpose, is to help the hurt. That does seem very wholesome.

In Asunder, we see a much different side of him.  Believing himself to be Cole, a young mage who died of starvation after being forgotten by Templars, Compassion roams about the White Spire in a confused and lonely daze, unaware that he is actually a very powerful spirit.  He is called the Ghost of the White Spire, a legend that is terrifying to those that inhabit the tower.  Why?  Because he murders mages.

If you are thinking “oh, he probably killed them because he felt them suffering and he thought it was the only way to end their misery,” you are thinking exactly as I did, and you would be wrong.  While he did target individuals who were despairing, it was not altruistic.  He killed them because it felt good when they died, because that was the only time anyone could see him.  The way the book describes it, it was almost an “addiction” or a physiological need for him to kill.  He was distressed by his actions, but was not able to stop without Rhys’ help.

Over the course of the book, Cole learns more about his past and figures out what he is.  He also, through the help of his relationship with Rhys and Evangeline, comes to understand that he does not have to murder people to be seen and remembered.  When he is sent to the Fade using the Litany of Adralla, it all finally clicks and he returns to haunt Lord Seeker Lucius, for all the pain and suffering he caused his friends and loved ones. It is such a brilliant character arc and I so wish that we got to see more of it in the game.

Cole is a Person the Entire Time (Human vs. Spirit/Varric vs. Solas be damned)

Regardless of your opinion of Solas, one thing he gets right is in arguing that Cole is already a whole and complete person when he joins the Inquisition.  He actually argues for the personhood of all spirits in general, and I think that any reasonable person can look at the spirits (and demons) with whom we have interacted so far and, putting aside feelings about Solas, draw the same conclusions.

Let’s take a look at all of the Spirits/Demons we have had actual interactions with thus far:

Valor

Justice

Compassion

Command

Wisdom

Choice

Desire

Pride

Sloth

Rage

Fear

Envy

While some of these interactions were minimal, each of these entities show qualities that one would associate with personhood.  Qualities such as motivation, goals, higher order thought processes, emotions, etc.  When we meet Justice in DA:A, he is a thinking, feeling being who longs to right wrongs and comes to care for mortals a great deal.  He comes to this conclusion on his own after interacting with his companions in the events of the game. Choice, or Imshael, who we see in The Masked Empire, and in DAI,  has such an identity of his own that he does not like to be referred to as a demon. I could go on.  These are not mindless, thoughtless creatures, and so viewing them as people just makes sense. This is part of the reason I do not like the Solas vs. Varric questline (aside from the fact that Cole should be able to choose or not choose as he wishes).  Cole is already a person, and Varric’s line of thought is not “making him more human,” it is only serving to make him “less compassionate,” and that’s all.  He becomes more selfish which is why he is able to have more of his own personal goals (it’s not because he did not have them before; rather, it is because they were drowned out by everyone else’s).  

This is not to say that I think Cole should have to forgive his abuser.  He shouldn’t. Not unless he wants to, and that choice should be his to make, not Varric’s, not Solas’, and not the Inquisitor’s.  I have an opinion as to which path is better, but I’m not going to discuss that here because it will detract from the actual point which is that the language of “human” versus “not human” is just bad and here’s why.

It implies that forgiveness is not a human quality.

It implies that in order to be considered a person, one has to “think” and “do” as everyone else does.  

Because of Cole’s romantic/sexual interest in Maryden when Varric’s path is chosen, it implies that lack of romantic/sexual attraction is not “human,” which is aphobic.

Because of his Maryden interest in the “human” path, and because he has “become more human” in his thought processes, it implies that neurodivergent people cannot or are not interested in relationships, which is ableist.

TL;DR: I’m not a fan of that questline. Your mileage may vary.

Finally, and Probably the Reason You Sat Through the Rest of It: Cole’s Speech Pattern!

Cole’s speech is really difficult to capture in a way that is both enough and not too much.  It is not as simple as just seeing how much alliteration can fit into a chapter.  Sure, Cole uses a lot of alliteration, and it is incredibly fun to play with while writing him; however, his communication is not as simple as that.  If you check out the link I shared in Step 2, it will take you to a Character Files reference where there is some information about Cole’s speech pattern that is much more in depth than I am going to go so definitely check it out. When I am writing Cole, I categorize his speech into three different types:

Synesthesia

-  the alliteration, the purpley flowery descriptions, the metaphors, the in the moment, no regard for grammar, run on sentence speech he is known for.  This comprises most of his dialogue.

Direct thought reading

- when he is actually quoting characters’ thoughts or stating their feelings out right.  He might speak as them or he might speak as himself observing them.

Cole’s own thoughts

- Yes, he has them, and he has a lot of them.  Many of these show up as his interpretations of and suggestions for others regarding their hurt.  However, he also shows a lot of agency of thought.  He wants to know if Dorian thinks he’s handsome, he talks about wanting there to be more rabbits in stories because Bunny was Cole’s sister’s name and it reminds him of her.  Cole expresses a lot of his own thoughts and feelings if you just take time to listen.

Writing Cole effectively involves a good balance of all three types and I recommend just playing around with it!

To Sum It All Up

Cole is amazing, but he’s also often misunderstood and mischaracterized, and Allison has a lot of feelings about it that you could spare yourself from reading if you do Steps 1 and 2 and skip the middleman. The end!

[utaprifanzine]

Shining Live Fanzine: Concept Pitch

I believe @utapri-idol-hell has already mentioned this upcoming project on her blog so, without further delay, this is the completed concept pitch for an SL-themed Utapri fanzine!

(Note: there is also a link to this post on twitter! If you have a twitter account, please consider retweeting the post from this account so that non-tumblr users can also see this!)

I would like to first put emphasis on the fact that this is a concept pitch. That means this is a presentation of the initial idea to anyone who might be interested in this project. At this point in time, most of the rules and concepts are still malleable - they can be changed and shaped according to feedback from this post.

If you are interested in this project (as either a contributor or as someone who would want to acquire a copy of the zine) please consider filling out this feedback form. Any responses will be useful to determine how the zine moves forward, but the feedback is particularly important in regards to the “Application Methods” section of this post (see below).

There are, however, three rules which are already “set” and would not be changed. They are as follows:

This zine would feature work from both artists and writers.

Due to Broccoli’s history with ordering “cease and desist”s against utapri doujin artists, this would be a non-profit zine. Thus, digital copies would be completely free.

The concept for this zine is based on the intention of it being a fun project that would appeal to the majority of the fanbase. Therefore, some rules are set in place to avoid content that might spark conflict and/or be geared towards a specific audience.

Below the cut, this post is split into three sections: Concept, Rules, and Application Methods. Each section is clearly noted with a header. “Concept” covers the general theme, content, and layout; “Rules” covers additional restrictions and/or allowances for the zine content; and “Application Methods” covers various possible ways a writer or artist could possibly apply to do a page for the zine. That last section is particularly important, because at the moment the application method for the zine has yet to be decided and the final decision will depend feedback.

There’s quite a bit of information below, so for anyone who is dyslexic or has any other reading difficulties, the most important information is in bold.

The ask box is also open for anyone who has any additional questions, or would like further expansion on something mentioned in the following text.

Please also consider reblogging this post so more people can see it!

The initial concept for this zine, was that it would (hopefully) be the first in a series of SL-themed zines that followed the chronological release pattern of the in-game events and gachas.

This seemed to be a good way to establish a kind of content equilibrium, so that no specific character/event/gacha appeared too often or too little. The pages would be themed after the events/gachas and each one would have a specific amount of pages allotted to it. Since KLab has only screwed the rotation once thus far, it seems like an easier method of creating balance.

Originally, it was going to be an annual digital zine with a high page count. However, since people have expressed their interest in physical copies of a zine, the concept was revised into something that would also translate well into physical format.

The following are the revised restrictions/guidelines for the current concept of the zine:

The total page count would be 44 pages. This includes the front/back cover, index and closing pages.

The content would cover from the release of the game (Aug/Sept 2017) up through January 2018. This covers 8 gacha and 10 events, not including the SL UR set which would also be featured.

Each event and gacha would be allotted two A4 pages of content - one for art and one for a piece of flash fiction. The cover and its related story would have double that amount: front/back cover + a two page short story.

The zine would have the potential to run in both physical and digital formats. Digital zines would be completely free (hence, non-profit project) however they will still require the purchaser to put in an order/request for the file. There will be no public download link posted.

All contributors are entitled to a digital copy without placing a request. Free physical copies may be a possibility, but that depends on a number of factors (namely the amount of contributors, zine orders, and if a print run is made at all) so I can’t promise anything at this point.

Print runs would be made if there is enough demand for physical copies, and there would only be one run per zine. This is reduce the risk of Broccoli viewing the zine production as a competitive merchandise and thereby becoming offended by the project.

(The following rules were put in place regarding the intentions and concept for the zine. Since this is a concept pitch, each rule is followed by an explanation of why it exists. If you believe any rule is unnecessary, or flawed, please note that in the feedback form! Passive-aggressively ranting about it on twitter doesn’t help!)

The UR Rule

The featured UR pair (for gachas) or the featured UR/SR pair (for events) MUST be the focus of the piece. Other characters can be mentioned and/or appear, but the piece has to be clearly centered on the two featured characters for that set/event. This is to help ensure the balance of content set by following the release patterns.

This goes without saying, but the pieces must also be themed after the event/gacha for which they are the pages for. A simple mention, hint, or acknowledgement toward the set/event isn't strong enough to be considered a theme.

Non-Shining Live Characters Are Allowed

Although the zine will be SL themed, all other characters that are part of the Utapri franchise can be featured within artwork and fiction pieces submitted to the zine. Since they’re official characters, I see no reason to purposely block them out.

The UR rule still applies, however, so these characters cannot become the focus of the pieces.

Keep it PG 13/15

This is partly in place to acknowledge the younger fans of the franchise (as well as those who aren't big fans of higher rated content) and partly because there is no fail-safe way to verify someone's age over the internet.

There are a lot of minors who consume and produce adult content for this fandom, and while their choices are theirs to make (I'm not the fandom police, it's none of my business), I don't want this project to be held responsible for distributing inappropriate content to minors in case issues do arise.

It's also worth noting that this rule does not only apply to sexual content (because some people think R18 only means sex). A piece depicting other mature themes - such as serious cannibalism, gore, or class A drug use - would not be acceptable.

No Romantic Ships

I feel like this is going to be the least popular rule, so the explanation for this is twice as long. Hear me out for a minute, and, if by the end you still think it’s unnecessary, by all means put that on the response form!

There are two main reasons for this rule.

Firstly, although shipping as a concept is extremely popular within fandom, individual ships still only cater to very specific audiences within the fanbase. No matter which way you twist it, no matter the popularity of any given ship, no single ship is universal. Some fans don't even connect to the idea of shipping in the first place.

Under most circumstances, that's completely fine, but within the context of a fanzine that's intended to appeal to as much of the fanbase as possible, allowing ships starts to seem very juxtaposed to that goal.

Case and point: if I have to include an extra contents page that lists all of the ships mentioned inside the zine so people can pick and/or avoid certain ones, that, to me, completely negates the idea of having a zine that most people can just pick up and read without issue.

Secondly, as I'm sure most people already know, ships are a primary source of conflict and motivator for harassment within fandom.

In terms of problems arising from including ships in a fanzine, I'm mainly worried about contributing artists/writers as well as the other admins getting harassed for content they did or didn't include within the zine. As someone who has not only seen utapri fan blogs run offline because of ship-based anon hate, but has also seen people ridiculed and kicked out of groups for not liking a popular ship, I would rather not risk exposing contributors and admins to that kind of toxic behavior.

When thinking about potential application methods for zine contributors, I realized that the traditional method - where people send in entries and these entries are reviewed/accepted/denied by an admin panel - may not be the best suited for a project that a) is supposed to be fun, not stressful and b) is looking for as many applicants as possible to hopefully be a success.

After brainstorming several alternative ways that applications could be handled, I decided the best possible way to choose one, would be to ask people who are interested in contributing to the zine how they would prefer to apply. After collecting the feedback, the most popular application method would be the one used for this zine.

The following are three different possible application methods. Each has a description of how it would work followed by a list of pros and cons for that method.

Method 1: First Come, First Serve

This method is very well-known, and very straightforward. Essentially, the list of available pages is posted at a specified time and date, and contributors would simply message the zine admins to claim whichever pages they want to contribute for. The first person to claim that particular page is the person who that page is allocated to.

Method 2: Random Chance

There are two variations of this method.

Application for Specific Pages: using this method, applicants would apply for specific pages at any point during the application period. Then, once the period has ended, the contributing artist/writer would be drawn at random for each page.

General Application: using this method, applicants would apply to the zine in general during the application period then, once the period has ended, the contributing writers/artists for all the pages would be drawn from the same pool. Applicants would be allowed to veto certain characters/sets/events and trade among each other if desired.

Method 3: Traditional Application

This is the method that’s most often used to manage and select applications for a zine.

An applicant would send in an entry form during the application period that contains, among other possible things, which pages they would like to apply for and an example of their work. At the end of the period, all entry forms are reviewed by the admins and the contributors for each page are decided by majority/unanimous vote. 

And that’s everything! Please consider filling out the feedback form if you have the time!

[daemon-knight]

So I guess I’m going to be doing these Off the Cuff/State of the Community things yearly. For those new, apparently once the year starts to end I do a massive essay/opinion piece on the general state of things I see in my little corner of the RP community. I usually do this due to let out some of the built-up of emotions in me just dying to let out, and also to collect my thoughts in a more civil way than just spewing it out angrily in the middle of January after an impulsive mass-unfollowing spree. Also, if I’m going to have to deal with a bunch of anon hate, mass exodus-ing of my blog, and relentless vague-bloggings on the subjects I talk about for the rest of the week, it might as well be at the end of the year so I can start the coming new year fresh.

Ideally, I’ll end this one on a more positive note if I organize everything properly, but we’ll see.

And so, with that said... 

Notes from Last Year

I might as well start by making some quick notes and comments from last year’s little blurb and talk about what’s changed and what’s remained the same in terms of my opinion and general disposition. 

And honestly, little has really changed. 

However, just so everyone knows my current opinion of things from last year...

People are still promoting half-finished blogs and it needs to stop. Gonna’ say it again, don’t give people who don’t put in enough effort to finish the damn thing attention. I’d rather not see half and quarter-efforts be rewarded, as cruel as that sounds. 

Dash Commentary is still a thing and it... bugs me. It’s going to get its own segment after this, but just know I'm less than apathetic about it.

I still see RPing as more of a character building experience more than anything thing else. I’ll go into more detail later, but the short of it is that it requires work on your end just as much as your partner’s.

I still look at canon divergence with raised eyebrows, but I’m slowly softening my stance on them, if only due to the fact that Claudia is an OC and not affected by a canon character’s position in the grander scheme of things.

My opinions on shipping and multi-muse blogs haven’t changed much either... That’s all I have to say for now, read the original post for more details.

Okay, that’s everything of importance from last year, let’s talk about some new stuff. Starting with...

Dash Commentary

Might as well rip the bandage off and get to the hard-hitting topics first. 

Alright, I’ve said this before to some extent, but I’ll say it with a little more clarity here: Dash commentary, by all technicality, is meta-gaming. It is your character commenting on situations and events they would not have experienced first-hand nor were a part of as if they did and they were. I tend to tolerate this because it’s usually done for comedy, and usually a form of crack RPing. However, I’ll also say that the act of someone else commenting on events they weren’t a part of for sake of giving their two cents is very rarely perceived comedic or funny. And if it isn’t funny, it just comes across as juvenile.

It feels like weak excuse to be a part of an RP thread without actually replying to it. That, to me, is cowardly and it does more to infuriate me than anything else. Maybe I’m just being an old man complaining about the new way people RP now, but it really doesn’t feel like people want to be involved in conflicts and struggles anymore. It feels stale to me. I see it as a bigger problem in the state of things, and... I don’t know, it might be a problem larger than the RP corner I’m in. 

Okay, that was a lot more depressing than I expected, we’re moving on.

To something even rougher.

Profiles/Blogs

For the sake of brevity and keeping things somewhat in order I’ll try and keep this to bullet points to not go too off-topic. But in terms of profiles and blogs...

Actually finish the damn blog before promoting it. This was an issue last year, I’m still seeing it, and it’s still annoying. It’s actual flash over substance and as someone that’s been doing this for over ten years, it irritates me something fierce.

A bit of repeating advice, but try and keep the actual profile short. About two to three short paragraphs for the bio, and for the personality section either a short paragraph or a quick list of the top five or six aspects of your character will do. I’ll say it again, as of this post I’m actively following over 60 people, anything to make it easier to get through your profile and plot things helps.

One that note, a short rules page helps too. If you’re over the age of 20 and you’ve been RPing for over 5 years you already have a decent grasp on grammar and general RP etiquette as far as I’m concerned. The main thing I look for in rules pages nowadays are for passwords and triggers, as those are the most important things to me as your partner.

Thankfully, I think passwords have either been phased out, or I’ve just blocked enough blogs that have them to not see them anymore. Either way, I’d still advise against having them. They do nothing but tack on extra work for a partner that, frankly, might not even be around long enough to actively write with.

I’d recommend not making a sideblog for RPing unless it’s specifically for NSFW RPing. It makes things like starter calls, asks, and general data-keeping difficult for both yourself and others... mostly others.

I don’t know why dash-only blogs are becoming a thing, but unless someone can explain to me the actual advantages of having them aside from avoiding the actual work behind making a full blog I’m going to advise against it.

And that’s really it in terms of profiles/blog advice/opinions I have. Moving to something a little more... divisive.

Musings/Galleries

To me their are two types of musings. The actual definition where a character speaks, thinks, meditates, or discusses on a specific topic at length. Or the type where people reblog quotes and aesthetic posts revelant to their character. I’ve talked about this before, but to summarize I think the latter kinds of musings weakens you as a writer, as you depend on outside sources to explain your character instead of your actual writing. That’s the nicest I can put, but that link I gave definitely doesn’t. Same thing for reblogging fanart of your faceclaim. I’ll probably do a rambling on that topic in the future, but the short version is those picture just fill a queue and that's really it. This is moreso aimed at OC blogs than Canon ones, but... eh, I got similar feelings on it.

Okay, moving to some actual advice now.

Advice and Miscellaneous Opinions

I think I’ve shown enough teeth, so now I can talk about the fun stuff in a nicer tone and really relax you with some advice.

Okay, I’m lying, I’m still going to be a little mean about this.

Really, it’s your blog, write however and whatever you want. In terms of honest advice I have very little. It’s a lot easier to explain what not to do than what to do. That said...

Something I’ve said in the past, but keep world-building to a minimal on your blog, or at least to things that directly effect your character. This usually means their powers, magic, weapons/equipment, and what’s relevant to their immediate background. To use Claudia as an example, I have an idea of what the social and political landscape of Ivora lands are, their economy, their reputation, and general army/militia is like, but I’ll only go into depth about it if a character asks Claudia herself about it. It’s not an immediate relevant part of a tomboy lesbian knight that stabs and punches people for fun, it’s just background information to help ground the character when needed.

I’ve got a draft on writing fight scenes in my drafts that I’ll be posting at a later date, but I’ll give the short version of my advice here. In short, fight sequences should have a back-and-forth rhythm to it. In terms of RPing it’s a lot like a turn-based RPG, you do a move, then your partner. One action leads to another, and another, and another. Have you character do nor more than two consecutive actions per post, as any more than that tends to ruin the flow and forces/pressures your partner to taking unnecessary hits. Much like professonal wrestling the goal is to sell the fight. Again, things to discuss on a later date, but that’s the gist of it.

Use alternate universes with care. If you can slot the original verse into a world without changing too much of your character, do it. I think the only series/worlds that are popular and widely-used enough to maybe need a alternate universe of its own (as of this post) would be My Hero Academia and Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Most other series/worlds already allow for some semblance of the supernatural and uncanny that can easily slot in a random element or two without breaking it, but My Hero Academia has a lot more grounded rules in place for how powers work as a whole and the laws (both physical and societal) work around them, so it’d be harder to logically stick random elements of someone else’s story in them without contemplation. JJBA has only two main ways to get superpowers as far as I’m aware, so trying to slot a random OC like Claudia in there would be difficult unless they followed the rules of the world. Most other series I thought of adding would allow for some amount of wiggle room for most characters. But just to be thorough...

As far as I’m aware Demon Slayer Yaiba is honestly just samurai killing demons with not-hamon, that’s not too hard slot in random characters that just happen to not be samurai/swordsmen so long as you mind the time period.

One Piece has a ridiculous among of wiggle room in terms of powers and abilities. Cursed Fruit is a thing, but I’ve heard there’s some leeway here and there.

The only real world-building done in any particular Fire Emblem is surrounding the immediate continent/country of that specific game, and they recognize that foreign nations are a thing, so not much work needs to be done there to slot some other medieval-based character in there.

I didn’t mention Fate/Stay Night, namely because I have mixed feelings about the series as a whole, some very conflicted opinions about Nasu’s writing style and themes, some pretty hot takes on F/GO as a concept, and a general revulsion towards gacha games... however, Fate/Stay Night is basically the modern world with magic and mages, which is pretty easy to slot in a character or two, Servants aside.

Also said this last year, but multi-muse, try and keep the number of muses in the single-digits, it’ll help you and your partners keep a little order in the long run.

Honestly? Queue/schedule your ask memes, it just looks nicer on everyone’s dash.

I was seeing people open themselves up for commissioning icons a few months back... I’m no lawyer, but I’d recommend commissioning icon psds frames instead. There’s a lot less worry of copyright shenanigans that way since most of those assets would be either your own making or through (ideally) sites and places that allow those assets free for commercial-use. Just saying.

Okay, I think that’s everything I wanted to get off my chest, at least everything I can think of at the moment. Let’s all do this again next year.

Or the next time Allen gets triggered by some fresh hell that taking over my corner of the RPC, whatever comes first.

[strangewhitegirl321]

Dazzling (11th)

{Not my gif.}

(A.N. Man, I would love to do a one-shot that's a Marvel universe x the Doctor Who universe. But, with specifically Thor and Doctor Strange interacting with the Doctor. Anybody else curious about how that would end up?)

Words: 2272

Originally posted to my Wattpad account.

   The Doctor knew he had messed up the moment the words passed through his lips. (Y/n)'s whole face dropped- her eyebrows furrowed and her face seemed to pale. Her previously frustrated expression faded to something more than disappointment, (e/c) eyes dropping to the floor.

   Taking in her stature, the Doctor thought over his words, "I wish Amy was here. Or Rose. They'd know what to do." The alarms blaring in the background seemed to fade, as (Y/n) turned away from him- never once raising her eyes to his again. Licking his lips, his hand reached to grab her shoulder just a second late before she hurried down the hallway- she was running from him. His own companion was so hurt by his words, she felt the need to escape.

   He watched as she turned a corner faster than even his own mind could comprehend. A few malicious shouts from behind him drew his attention, and immediately he was running after her.

   "(Y/n)!" The Doctor screamed over and over, his voice going hoarse. Searching the halls, he peeked around corners and into different chambers trying to track down his lost, hurt companion. The man knew his yells were drawing the attention of his foes, yet he continued to risk it.

   Even knowing the exact, short time it took for him to find her didn't help the fact that it felt like ages. Each step was a century as he replayed the sudden grief in (Y/n)'s usually bright eyes like a broken record. Her shaky, sunken form on the floor was heart breaking and caused the Time Lord to freeze in place for just a moment that seemed much longer than it needed to be.

   The Doctor had seen it before- he knew what (Y/n) was going through. The same emotion always seemed to creep it's way into her mind every single time he compared her to one of his past companions. It happened so often he knew it was a horrid thing to do to her- however, no matter how hard he tried he kept doing it. Yet, despite not fully understanding how she felt, he wanted to help her. First, he just had to stop himself from speaking the words that always seemed to tear her to pieces.

   When (Y/n) looked up to see the Doctor standing over her, she curled up into a ball on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest.

   "Oh, darling," He sighed, bending down to pry her arms from around her knees. "I am so sorry." Forcing her arms around his neck, he hauled her off the ground and onto her feet. With a choppy hug, he kissed her hair gently before pulling from her grip and tightly grabbing her hand.

   "We need to go. Now," The Doctor stated, his worried eyes continuing to scan her before fixing his grip on her to where his hand rested lightly on the small of her back as he forced her to quickly move from the scene.

   (Y/n) was barely aware of her dangerous surroundings, or the light yet firm hand that lead her to the safety of the TARDIS with haste. Not even an ounce of relief washed over her once the doors shut behind her, closing her in with the Doctor.

   The minute the adrenaline faded from both their veins, the Time Lord reached towards (Y/n). Even though her back was turned to him, he slipped his arms under hers and gave her a tight squeeze, hugging her body close to his own. Almost like a leech, he refused to release her. The Doctor didn't realise, however, that (Y/n) wasn't fighting against it like he had imagined. Instead, she took the time to enjoy the almost bittersweet embrace, resting her hands gently on his and pressing herself firmly into him.

   After a long, silent phase that appeared just a bit too short, the Doctor began to speak, mumbling, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean it, it just slips out sometimes."

   (Y/n) mulled over his words, softly sighing in despair before muttering, "Doctor?" Burying his head into the nape of her neck, he hummed, encouraging her as he nuzzled his nose into her hair.

   The poor man thought he was prepared for anything she might have said. Imagined himself reacting calmly, talking through whatever mental battle was taking place inside her- however he never dreamed the fight had already taken place. It was short, bloody, and the end result was nothing he wished for.

   "Can you take me home?" (Y/n)'s voice quietly echoed. Suddenly, the Doctor wretched himself away from her. He pulled his arms away from her so fast he nearly knocked her over, taking a step back so quickly he had to steady himself by grabbing onto a nearby rail with an iron grip. A hint of shock, a sprinkle of betrayal and the rest of his expression made from grief covered his face.

   Beginning to speak, his words were all over the place as he tried to shove all his thoughts into one sloppy, horrible mess of a sentence. His breathing sped up so bad he actually leaned on the railing behind him for support.

   "Why? What did I do to you?" The Doctor questioned, the only thing (Y/n) could comprehend amongst the jumble of messy words and random adjectives.

   Hesitating slightly, (Y/n) sighed before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and explained, "You keep comparing me to other people. Saying you wish I was someone else. It's making me feel absolutely wretched."

   The Doctor's eyebrows furrowed, and he straightened himself up, shuffling on his feet and rolling his jaw before he surmised, "We can get over it. Work with each other-"

   "I'm not sure I can," (Y/n) groaned, feeling pathetic at how frustrated she was at the situation.

   Pausing, the Doctor looked her over, and apprehensively questioned, "You don't- you don't think we can work this out?"

   "No, no," (Y/n) nearly jumped to correct herself, startled with the thought she had given him the wrong idea. "That's not what I meant. I meant- Well, I meant I don't think I can get over..." Weakly, her voice trailed off, and desperately she tried to convey her feelings to the Doctor by looking him straight in the eye.

   Jaw clenching shut, the Doctor let out a heavy breath. Just then, he thought he had it figured out. An abrupt wave of what could be described almost as aggravation seemed to wash over him, and he about rolled his eyes with contempt.

   "Mind boggling," He scoffed, drawing (Y/n)'s eyes to his. "You're being melodramatic, now."

   (Y/n)'s eyes about bulged to the point they tumbled out of her skull, "What?"

   Scoffing a second time, the Doctor leaned forward, repeating himself confidently, "You're being melodramatic."

   "Oh, I'm sorry," (Y/n) seethed, taking a step away from him and running a hand through her hair. "I didn't realise never being good enough for someone- was- was- you- Take me home."

   Thinking over the defeat that took over her voice, the Doctor was hesitant towards giving her his aggressive answer, "Don't play games with me." He hissed, pointing an accusing finger towards her heart.

   "Since when have my feelings been a game?" (Y/n) asked, both offence and grief dripping from her words.

  At this point, the Doctor knew he was in the wrong. However, he continued to argue just for the sake of arguing.

   "Feelings?! For goodness sake, you sound like an eleven year old girl!"

   (Y/n)'s face was slowly turning red, and her eyes gradually began to overflow, "Well I'd rather sound like a child than a complete- a complete- I don't know! You! I'd hate to be you!"

   Throwing his hands in the air, the Doctor threw his head back in a sarcastic laugh before snapping his attention back to her, "Oh, poor me! Poor me, being pitied by a complete prat!"

   "You're being absolutely ridiculous!" (Y/n) poorly tried to defend herself, barely believing the Doctor's behaviour.

   "Oh, really?" He hissed, hand latching onto her upper arm, causing her to yelp. "What, am I not understanding you?"

   Attempting to pry his grip from her arm, her breath croaky and panicked as she tried to say, "You're just not making any sense-"

   "If I'm not making any sense, you better explain to me how!" The Doctor demanded, unaware of how harsh his grip on her was. Eventually, (Y/n) resorted to smacking his hand to force him to release her. Once he did, she stumbled back away from him and gasped.

   "Because- because I'm trying to tell you that I- that I-" She desperately tried to get words through the horrid, uneven breaths that shook her entire frame. Eventually she seemed to give up, and the Doctor grit his teeth in frustration with her.

   "You what?" He hollered, getting in her face and causing her to flinch.

   "I can't do this anymore!" She finally shrieked, before being taken over by a loud, hopeless sob. "You're hurting me."

   Finally, the tears that streamed down (Y/n)'s face caused him to truly think twice. In a moment of regret, he reached forward in an attempt to grab her and pull her to him. Instead of accepting his apologetic embrace, she slapped his hand away and stumbled back. Loosely, his gaze wandered down to her red arm, causing a pit to open up in the bottom of his stomach.

   "I'll never be good enough for you," She wept, turning away from him and hobbling around the TARDIS console. Said machine let out a whine, kicking the Doctor into action. Legs resembling jelly, he somehow managed to drag himself in her direction once again. Without giving her an option, he grabbed her by the hand and yanked her into his arms. Even through her struggling, sniffling, and sobs he held her up and against his chest. Several curses left her mouth as she tried to escape him, begging him to bring her home as he muttered apologies and lame excuses he knew did no good.

   "I am so, so sorry," The Doctor almost cried, feeling himself being dragged to his knees as the girl he held crumpled to the ground. "I never meant any of it. I just get frustrated. I swear, I just get frustrated."

   Sniffles raked (Y/n)'s body, forcing her to tremble as she shuffled around in his arms. Gently, the Doctor reached up and began to softly pet her hair in an attempt to calm her down further. Her begging and open sobs had stopped moments before, but his slow, careful movements caused her breathing as a whole to buffer.

   (Y/n) didn't quite no how long it took for her own tears to stop, all she had to go off of were her numb, prickly legs beneath her and the utterly soaked spots in the Doctor's jacket.

   The Doctor's voice drew her away from the surrounding distractions, and he delicately asked her, "Please, don't leave me." His voice cracked so lightly she almost missed it, and with a bittersweet laugh she once again attempted to pull away from him. However, instead he forced her back against him.

   "Please," The poor man practically begged.

   With a frustrated whimper, she softly pounded her fist against his shoulder, "Give me a reason, then." Her voice was muffled by the fabric of his jacket, but he heard her clearly and immediately pounced on the idea. With no hesitation, he rested his hands on her shoulders and leaned back to look her straight in the eyes.

   "I have so much to show you," The Doctor began. "So much you can't even imagine- or believe, until you see it. You mean so much to me, it's insane." A smile accidentally crossed his face as his hands shifted to cup her own.

   "You've helped me more than you let yourself believe," He continued, before correcting himself. "More than I've let you believe. And I am so, so sorry for that. But, I swear, I'll fix the problem. And then we can go, rescue whole planets and all the like. Stay with me, because I need you."

   Just as (Y/n) was about to scoff and give him the final shove, he planted a kiss on her nose and gushed, "Darling, you are so, so dazzling. I don't know how I'll be able to get on without you beside me. It'll never be the same. Never." Just for a few agonising seconds, they sat in silence, staring at each other. Slowly, the Doctor's face began to loose all hope and completely drop. Just for the satisfaction, (Y/n) watched his whole face morph before allowing a small grin to take her over her face.

   "Who's getting dramatic now?" (Y/n) jested light-heartedly, giggling at the obvious relief that showed through the new grin on the Doctor's face. He chuckled, throwing his head back and seeming to hardly believe she had taken the moment to throw a joke into their argument.

   Suddenly, he gasped and his head snapped back down to look at her. His eyes were aghast, his mouth gaping slightly and his brows seeming to anxiously twitch.

   Licking his lips slightly, he opened his mouth but appeared to slightly falter before he asked, "But do you forgive me?" Tilting her head, her eyes still red from her earlier distress scanned him lightly. She pursed her lips and straightened herself up.

   "Quite possibly," She began to state, taking her time in warning him. "You will have to make up for it, though."

   The Doctor nodded immediately, gulping and thinking over what he could do to please her, suddenly his eyes lit up and he grinned, exclaiming, "I know just the place!"

[bethkerring]

10 Tips on Writing Asexuality

It’s been a long, long twelve years since I first realized I was asexual.

I’m one of the fortunate ones that realized my lesser-known orientation without having to go through years of confusion, uncertainty, and experimentation (because while some might enjoy that, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn’t have). I was fourteen when I first came across the term and thought it might apply to me, and shortly before I turned fifteen, I officially claimed it as my own.

A lot has changed since then. When I first came out, there was almost nothing out there for asexuals. There was the AVEN website, a few blog posts, and even fewer YouTube videos, but the word basically didn’t exist in common knowledge, even among people who identified as LGBTQ+. Any fiction that included ace characters was almost exclusively unconfirmed, and left up to fans to compile lists of evidence that a certain character was probably asexual—which was usually ignored by the majority of fans, who wanted to see the character in sexual situations, and often later brushed aside by the creators.

Now, asexuality is more and more recognized by the popular media and the general public. Visibility is still lacking, but we’re recognized by major LGBTQ+ organizations, represented (to a small extent) in Pride events, and increasingly represented as characters in TV shows, books, movies, etc. I’ve even found random strangers recognizing the asexual pride button on my purse—and I live in the Bible Belt.

And it’s a great feeling. Every time I see another ace character in popular media, I get a little burst of joy to see someone like me—at least in this one way, if not in others. I’m especially glad to see good representation, especially after years of representation that was questionable at best (Sherlock still comes to mind) and harmful at worst (does anyone remember that episode of House?). I’m also thrilled to see that non-asexual people are really interested in doing ace representation right and are reaching out to asexuals to get their take on what they want to see.

So I thought I would include my perspective on writing asexual characters, because frankly, everyone’s experience and viewpoint is a little difference, and I hope this conversation continues with as many diverse voices as possible.

I hope these tips are helpful and make you at least a little more confident about including ace characters in your own work!

1. Watch out for stereotypes, but don’t throw them out the window. This is almost certainly confusing, so let me explain: I often see people try so hard to avoid stereotypical traits in asexual characters that they forget that aces are incredibly diverse. Yes, not all asexuals are aromantic, but some are. Yes, not all asexuals hate close physical contact, but some do. Yes, not all asexuals are shy or socially awkward, but some are. Yes, not all asexuals have seventeen cats, but some do. Yes, not all asexuals are repulsed by sex, but some are. And the list goes on. You should absolutely be aware if a character trait you’ve chosen is stereotypical, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should avoid it, especially if you have more than one asexual character. Be aware of it, but focus on writing a well-rounded, realistic character over avoiding every stereotype in the book. No matter what trait it is, if you’re writing it well, chances are good there’s an asexual out there who will empathize with it.

2. Keep intersectionality in mind. Though, as I said, I’m absolutely thrilled to see more ace characters in media, I know there’s still a desperate need for more diverse examples of asexuality, especially those that take into account how people of different races, genders, abilities, national origins, religions, and ages—among other things—experience their asexuality. A man does not experience asexuality the same as a woman. A white person does not experience asexuality the same as people of other races—I can’t list them all here, but from what I’ve seen, every racial identity comes with stereotypes and prejudices that interact with asexuality differently. Someone’s religion might affect how they view their asexuality or how they’re viewed by their religious community, and someone’s asexuality might be brushed aside if they’re “too young,” “too old,” or have a disability. Personally, I am an able-bodied American white woman, so I can’t say a lot about this specifically, but please do your research on this aspect of their experience just like you would any other. It might not be what you’re expecting.

3. Don’t make asexuality their defining trait. Unless someone is an asexual activist (and these are valid characters!), and even if they are, they’ve probably got quite a few aspects of their life that have nothing to do with their orientation. An asexual doesn’t spend all day every day thinking about the fact that they don’t experience sexual attraction. It is, after all, the lack of an experience rather than the presence of one, and is therefore less likely to draw their attention at any given moment. Contrary to some people’s belief, asexuals don’t necessarily have “oodles of free time” since they don’t spend it thinking about sex—but they do have other things that interest them. They are full human beings, just as complex as anyone of any other orientation, and as a certain lesbian character from a TV show I’m fond of once said, “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.”

4. Remember that there are many ways to “humanize” a character without giving them a love interest. This is one of those topics that isn’t exclusive to stories with asexual characters, but is still relevant to them. All too often, I’ve seen characters who seem cold, inhuman, or heartless made more “human” by falling in love, as if the ability to feel romantic and/or sexual attraction is what makes them “not a machine.” This idea goes back at least a century, to Arthur Conan Doyle stating that Sherlock Holmes was “as human as a Babbage’s calculating machine, and just as likely to fall in love.”

Let me make this very clear: a character is not inhuman because they don’t feel romantic or sexual love, and a character is not especially human simply because they do feel these things. Even if your character is not asexual, please don’t make the one thing that “humanizes” them be romantic/sexual attraction—and in the case of asexual characters, please don’t try to “humanize” them by giving them a romantic interest. Yes, asexuals can be romantic, aromantic, or anything in between, but romantic asexuals are no more human than aromantics. There are so many other ways to humanize someone: strong platonic attachment, caring for animals, passion for a social cause, love for the environment, and countless other possibilities. Obviously it’s completely okay for romantic or sexual attraction to be one of these things: but please don’t make it the only one.

5. Think about how they discovered their orientation. Even if your character has known they’re asexual for 50+ years, unless your story takes place in some great fictional society where non-straight orientations are openly welcomed and accepted as normal, how they figured out their asexuality is probably going to affect them—as well as when they figured it out. I discovered my own asexuality in my early teens, but I’ve seen people who didn’t discover the term until they were senior citizens, having felt alone and out of place their entire lives with no idea why. If they discovered it recently, especially after a long time of not understanding themself, they might still be figuring out exactly how they define their own identity.

6. Consider asexuality in the context of your character’s environment. Small-scale and large-scale. Where your character grows up and what environment they live in during the story makes a huge difference on how their asexuality is expressed, and this is true whether you’re writing historical fiction (where views of and experiences in asexuality are obviously very different) or whether you’re deciding if your character’s family is supportive. There’s an enormous spectrum of variation in this, so I won’t even try to go into the details, but keep in mind that whether your character is out, what sort of prejudice they face, and how they feel about their own orientation will all be greatly affected by the world they live in and the people they know.

7. Asexuality is not an illness—but that doesn’t mean life experiences can’t affect it. Remember the House episode I mentioned? For those that never saw it, the patient-of-the-day was an apparently ace woman, married to an apparently ace man, who goes to see Dr. House. House is convinced that no human could possibly be asexual, despite another character, Wilson, mentioning research validating the orientation. In the end, House discovers that the man has a brain tumor suppressing his sex drive and the woman has been faking her orientation to stay with her husband.

This is … extremely problematic for what I hope are obvious reasons. This led to a lot of families and friends of asexuals, who had previously been supportive, suddenly worrying that their loved ones had brain tumors. Obviously, if there is a genuine reason to suspect a medical issue (such as a sudden disappearance of sexual interest when it existed before), one should consult a doctor, but this episode presented only two cases of asexuality, one of which was “just an illness” and another of which was a lie. This led viewers to the same conclusion that House himself reached: that no healthy human being could possibly be asexual.

This is a very bad example of asexual representation, but it’s also worth mentioning that there are asexuals who view their asexuality as being affected by their life experiences, a specific diagnosis, or even a chronic illness, and as long as you do research beforehand into what sorts of experiences can contribute to someone’s identity, and don’t try to “cure” that character’s asexuality as part of your story, this is okay. Ideally, include more than one ace character as a way to make it clear to your readers that experiences differ, and that all roads to finding one’s identity are valid. Sexual orientation is unlikely to change and can never be “cured”—since it’s not an illness in itself—but that doesn’t mean the environment can’t affect it.

8. Exploration and questioning is okay. I also want to emphasize that it is completely okay to have a character that is questioning their sexuality, and either later decides that they are ace or decides that they are not ace. As long as asexuality is treated as a genuine orientation and not just a “symptom”—and again, ideally, more than one ace character is included at least briefly—a character realizing that asexuality isn’t the right identity for them, or only realizing such after exploring other identities, is fine. As mentioned above, the House episode did this very wrong, but as long as you are not “disproving” the asexuality of the only two ace characters in the show—especially when it’s disproved by a guy who believes asexuality is impossible/inhuman—and you are sensitive and respectful, I think this can be done without causing offense.

9. Remember that ace views of attraction can be different than non-ace views. Much of society (at least Western society) seems to lump all attraction into one form: sexual and romantic combined. As asexuality gained more visibility, the idea of romantic and sexual attraction existing independently became more popular. On top of this, other types of attraction got more recognition: for instance, strong platonic attraction (like a non-romantic crush), sensual attraction (the desire for non-sexual physical contact), and aesthetic attraction (the attraction to the physical appearance of a person or object, but no desire for interaction). Note that this isn’t an asexual-exclusive experience, and a story definitely doesn’t need ace characters to explore these topics: many non-aces do experience these varied types of attraction, but haven’t had as much context to recognize or explore them. Asexuality, in recognizing that there are human beings with no sexual attraction, helped open the door to these ideas, but they have always existed. And even though this doesn’t necessarily relate to ace characters, I think it will go a long way to helping asexual experiences of attraction be better accepted.

10. Asexuality is a spectrum, and it’s more than okay to write all along it! I’ve been referring to the most general idea of “asexuality” in this post—probably because I fall completely in that category—but asexuality isn’t as simple as that, and the line between “ace” and “non-ace” isn’t so cut and dry. “Grey-asexuals” are a big part of the ace community, and their experience is both similar to and different from people who just identify as “asexual.” There are also demi-sexuals, who feel sexually attracted only once a strong emotional connection has been formed—and yes, these people deal with a lot of the same issues as asexuals, though of course, many parts of their experience are also unique. Keep this spectrum in mind as you’re writing your characters, even if you do end up writing someone who just identifies as “asexual.” It’s important to remember that the spectrum exists, if only because it’s a reminder that all of us, ace, non-ace, or anywhere in between, are part of the same immensely diverse gradient, instead of simply black and white.

Original post on my website.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

The (indie) Kids Are(n’t) Alright.

[piece by Nick Southall of Stylus Magazine which has sadly been defunct since 2007; I’m reposting it here because I had to dig through the internet archive to find it]

The following was posted by one of our readers in the comments section of our recent Top 50 Singles of 2005 article. 

Posted 12/09/2005 - 08:07:34 AM by tintin1000: i hate this list. but before i get into a rant, i shall tell you all the "rules" which i relied upon to come to the conclusion that this list is a pile of steaming bullshit. (a) this is a snobby list (b) i understand that this is a list of singles, so it cannot include bands like deerhoof or anything because they don't HAVE singles, but ... (c) this is a lame attempt at justifying why you guys like top 40 chart songs ... a shoddly constructed "logical" justification of listening to top 40 songs, with the "indie mag," stylus, as a sort of buffer ... "oh -- we're really into indie music, so that means we can accept pop music from an "elevated" plane of existence or some bullshit like that. okay -- who the hell thinks that the friggin' backstreet boys write "better" songs than the mountain goats?! than the futureheads!? uh ... and sure -- the concept of r. kelly's trapt in the closet is cool, i think, but how in the hell do you distinguish which gwen stefani single is the "best" on the album? is it the originality of the song? nope? is it in the creativity? nope. is it the craftmanship? nope. is it the songwriting? nope. as far as i can tell, you guys compiled a list that should be dubbed "best singles that will get you crunked in 2005," but since you worded everything so perfectly, it sounds like there is an actual intellectual, logical reason behind the creation of the fucking whisper song. the whisper song is about fucking. since when has fucking merited any artistic credibilty? just plain, raw, primitive sex? if you guys like to dance to this shit, cool ... but don't be dumbasses and pretend that you listen to this shit because you actually think it actually has a true artistic quality to it ... damn. 

I usually try and avoid responding directly to people in the comments boxes, unless they ask a specific question about a piece or raise a factual error, because I think it’s slightly unbecoming for writers to be trawling their own work looking for flame wars, but I couldn’t help but respond to our friend tintin1000, initially with a couple of short notes in the comments box, and now here, in more length and with more thought. 

tintin1000 isn’t alone in his indi(e)gnation (I’m sorry, that’s a terrible forced pun)—you can see dozens, if not hundreds of other people spilling outraged bile into the comments boxes every week in protest at our temerity in choosing to review a country record favourably (and I’m not talking about Lambchop or Uncle Tupelo) or vote Kelly Clarkson as our single of the year ahead of, say, the latest 7” by The Ambivalent Corduroy Medical Students on Squirrel Records which features nine Canadian college graduates banging ukuleles and broken harpsichords and singing about their guinea pig’s gravestone. What’s wrong with us? Why are we pretending to like such manipulative top 40 pop shit? How could we possibly be so short-sighted as to not see the genius inherent in something like Pig On A Stick’s masterful limited edition EP, I’m Ugly, I’m Lonely, All My Friends Are Dead?!Especially when we lavish such shallow, fetishistic praise on hollow, manufactured acts. 

The thing is that Stylus has always loved pop, hip-hop and r’n’b singles, consistently voting them highly in the end-of-year singles lists over the last three years. Just look at the Singles Jukebox articles from the last 9 months—pop music is something we love and something we cover—we’ve never claimed to be an indie website any more than we’ve claimed to be an IDM website (something we used to get accused of every so often when we began). If you’re still not convinced, take a look at the Mission Statement; all we’ve ever been bothered about covering is music, not specific genres. 

So why are indieboys still so vehemently disgusted by our (un)surprising pop-centricity, our schizeclecticism, by the fact that some of us like country records and others like pop records and yet others really do enjoy Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (I’m still not entirely convinced that that particular band isn’t a complex hoax perpetrated by Derek Miller)? I’d wager, for a start, that the majority of our most vocal indieboy naysayers are probably in their late teens rather than their mid-to-late 20s, and that the music they like isn’t just a sonic preference based on what tickles the hairs in their ears in a pleasant way, but that it is a much more deep-seated culture-aesthetic choice. A choice as much about identity as music, perhaps. 

Which is fine, because adolescent cultural choices—hell, adult cultural choices too—are about identity. They’re about peer groups and aspirations and association. The music you like may well help determine the clothes you wear, the friends you keep, how you cut your hair—it’ll certainly determine which clubs or gigs you go to, and who you go with. It’s a chicken / egg conundrum, though, as to which comes first—the music or the identity. Do you like this music because of who you are, or are you making a definite effort to determine who you are and using the music as a tool to do so? Because like it or not, and whether you’re aware of it or not, your cultural choices are a signifier pointing towards who you are. 

Here are a handful of bands and what liking them says about you: 

Interpol - “I am deep, moody, urban and edgy, given to pathos and bad poetry. Please have sex with me, but don’t expect an orgasm.” 

Bright Eyes - “I have read a book about true love and am too scared to treat you badly. Please don’t have sex with me, as I will cry.” 

Embrace - “I really am in it for the music, because the public perception of my favourite band is terrible. Please have sex with me in a slightly dull, monogamous way.” 

Kompakt-style techno - “I transcend the body-mind divide by being intellectually into dancing. Please have sex with me on drugs.” 

Bloc Party - “I am very cool but not as alternative as I’d like to think, and I wish I knew more black people. Please have sex with me, but be careful not to mess-up my hair.” 

Girls Aloud - “I am a shallow pop whore. Let’s fuck! But it will be without true, meaningful emotion.” 

Arcade Fire - “I am into way more cool and obscure stuff than anyone else. Please let me say I had sex with you ages ago, before anyone else.” 

Oasis - “I am a piss-throwing troglodyte misogynist. I am going to date-rape you.”

Each of these assumptions says as much about the inferer as the inferred, if not more so. Each one is a value judgement based on cultural baggage, and everyone’s cultural baggage is different. Most internet-based discussion of music that I’ve come across deals not with what people like, but with what people dislike. What people like is a matter of assumption, some kind of unspoken test to see whether someone is cool enough to be spoken to, to be let into the secret club. You wouldn’t want someone uncool hanging around with the cool kids (on a messageboard, natch) and making them uncool by association because they like, heaven forbid, “The Whisper Song”, would you? 

Ah, “The Whisper Song.” Here’s what tintin1000 said about it: it sounds like there is an actual intellectual, logical reason behind the creation of the fucking whisper song. the whisper song is about fucking. since when has fucking merited any artistic credibilty? just plain, raw, primitive sex? This raises a whole other issue that indieboys can’t stand. Sex. It’s often been stated that indieboys are afraid to dance because they have an intrinsic “fear of the middle of the body,” a post-Victorian-era Catholic / Freudian guilt / paranoia about all things sexual which dates back, perhaps, to Morrissey’s fiercely foppish stance of asexuality and beyond, to Keats or Wordsworth or whoever, and the myth of the sexually-frustrated romantic, the idea that one’s art will be somehow purer if untainted by the dirty touch of lust. But go beyond that, go to Michelangelo sculpting David’s sensuous masculine frame; or all those countless portraits of St. Sebastian, pierced with arrows like an S&M; stunt gone awry, loincloth barely covering his genitals; all those pre-Raphaelite female nudes; every film to ever reveal more flesh than grandmother would like; to Led Zeppelin wailing about plain, raw, primitive sex and John Lennon trying to make the end of “A Day In The Life” sound like a great big musical orgasm. Very few people would question Björk’s artistic credibility, and she’s written countless songs about sex. People are rushing to proclaim Kate Bush’s Aerial a work of genius, and it’s positively dripping with eroticism. Sex is not the be-all-and-end-all of human existence, and to get too caught up in its alluring juices and scents can screw with your head (just ask Michael Douglas or any random Tory politician) but to claim that plain, raw, primitive sex has never inspired any worthwhile art is the folly of the hungry, short-sighted virgin. Pop music in particular (and The Mountain Goats and Deerhoof are as much pop music as Charlotte Church or Sisqo) is about sex. 

And of course sex is key to identity—as if I needed to say that after the assumptions about bands above. Anyone who ever wore skinny jeans or dyed their hair black did so because they wanted some of their idol’s allure by proxy, because they thought that listening to this record and wearing those shoes would get them laid. Everyone. Except me, of course, because I’m above it all. 

The problem with our intrepid hero tintin1000 is that he’s finding his identity, and is thus vulnerable to having the fragile foundations of that identity shaken. And so he sees Mountain Goats, an act he loves for their literate, melodic music made in the cottage-industry style, unadorned by commercial trappings but instead blessed with deep insight into the human condition, at number 50 on our list and is pleased, thinking, hoping and assuming that the rest of the list will continue to reaffirm his identity. Because he trusts Stylus, possibly, as someone he can talk to about these things. And there’s the fucking Ying Yang Twinz, wtf? And Gwen Stefani? And other music that is liked by the people he sees at college or in town and takes an instant dislike to for their shallow natures and unthinking ways, and it jars his assumptions about what it means to like Mountain Goats, about what it says about him when he realises what he thinks liking Kelly Clarkson says about other people. 

The thing is that once you stop worrying about what owning (and more importantly liking) a Girls Aloud record says about you, you can start taking it on its own merits, which are (generally) pretty plentiful. Something like Die Hard is a great film because it knows what it is and what it does and it executes its plan with zero faffing around—there’s no narrative fat in that film (unlike, say, the odious Goodfellas), every single event is a plot device, and there’s joy to be found in such craftsmanship, never mind the actual tangible visceral thrill of the finished article once we get past ontological rumination on the efficiency of the screenplay. Likewise Girls Aloud’s records are faultless exercises in meta-pop constructivism, not so much songs as processions of hooks and choruses with the boring, fatty verses left over for the likes of Okkervil River instead. And, of course, as with Die Hard there is the sheer physical joy of listening to them, of dancing to them, getting caught up in the beats and the insidious melodic hooks, which outweighs even the music-journalistic catnip attraction of playing spot-the-reference. 

And once you’re past the stage of crushing insecurity and aspirational identity positing, the idiocy inherent in statements like how in the hell do you distinguish which gwen stefani single is the "best" on the album? becomes clear. You distinguish your favourite (no such thing as objectivity, kids) Gwen Stefani song on Love Angel Music Baby in exactly the same manner as you would your favourite song on The Sunset Tree—by listening to the record and choosing the song that you like most, for whatever reason(s) it is that you ever like any song. Until your superego stops screaming at you that it’s bad to like Gwen Stefani though, that’s not going to happen. 

It works in stages though, this music / identity nexus. As a child one likes simple things, the multi-coloured hues of pop music perhaps, but once one senses the transition to adulthood one puts away childish things. By writing off whole areas of music for the simple reason that “it’s not the kind of thing someone like me listens to” you are, quite simply, denying yourself a whole lot of pleasures, both frivolous and profound. Malcolm X said in his autobiography that “children have a lesson adults should learn, to not be ashamed of failing, but to get up and try again. Most of us adults are so afraid, so cautious, so 'safe,' and therefore so shrinking and rigid and afraid that it is why so many humans fail. Most middle-aged adults have resigned themselves to failure.” It’s not just failing that we shouldn’t be ashamed of. A major finding in neuroscience in recent years is the extent to which our brains display advanced levels of ‘neural plasticity.’ We are not forever ‘hardwired’ for rigid modes of behaviour; we are not static ‘slaves’ to our DNA. There is a remarkable degree to which we can change ingrained patterns of thought, intention and practice. Our identities are not fixed, are not immutable—admitting that you enjoy a Britney record unironically will not destroy your future character. And that goes for an awful lot of things besides music. 

Of course this is all blatant assumption, and doesn’t mean anything at all. Except, perhaps, that you should give in to your ids, indie kids. 

[werevulvi]

August 16th. It's 3:30 am, I shouldn't be doing this right now, but I can't keep my thoughts away from it. I'm so glad that I've kept all of my paper diaries that I've written from age 8 all the way up until age 24, when I switched to the digital format. I knew that I wrote down my very first lesbian fantasies surrounding my first crush when I was 15, and I remember I had felt intense shame about the short erotica the young teen me had written. As if it was somehow the morst impure, horrible and gross thoughts I could possibly have had. That's sad.

Now I finally wanted to read the thoughts and fantasies I had back then. It was a bit tricky to find the right paper diary in my book shelf, cause it was unmarked and on a different shelf than all the other ones. It was also not quite a diary but rather one of those little "books" that I just wrote about myself in. It was mostly random information about my personality, my hobbies, my clothing style, my depression and anxiety, some crappy lists, rating my family members, ranting about cats, etc... but close towards the end of it I found my little fantasy that had felt so forbidden that I never dared to read it again.

I was just curious exactly how far I went in my mind back then, but it was really subtle and barely there. It said a lot about boobs (both her's and mine), kissing, hearts pounding, butterflies in stomach, giving each other horny looks, and only a quick mention of her hand reaching down into my panties. I can sense in that hastily written text that I was utterly terrified of my own desire and too scared to write it down properly. It was barely even a quick overview of what probably actually went on in my mind back then when I thought of girls I liked.

I found another really quite interesting diary entry of mine, dated April 13th 2005, the day before my 16th birthday. It's from the only time in my past that I actually considered I might be a lesbian. It's in Swedish so I'll make a rough translation of my horrible teen grammar:

"Hey you, now I know for sure. I am homosexual, but I can be attracted to guys, but only because they're beautiful or good people. Not at all sexually loaded. In my thoughts and fantasies I can kiss and make out with guys, but as soon as it gets intimate I stop fantasising. But with girls it's completely different. I didn't know I'd go from heterosexual to homosexual in less than a year. But homosexual is good and I define myself however I want. Now I'm just gonna come out of the closet since I've found the handle. If you get what I mean..."

By "intimate" I did mean sexual, but I remember I specifically didn't want to write that. That is... a pretty accurate description actually. Like for a short moment there I knew what was and what wasn't attraction. Until I conveniently "forgot" about it again. However I never did come out as a lesbian back then. On the 3rd of May that same year, I wrote at the end of a very long and ranty entry:

"Now I can't lie anymore... Elena is the only one I know for sure I've been in love with. Ever. And she is a girl... Exactly why I KNOW I'm homosexual..."

And... that's it. That's all I ever wrote about it back then. I've wondered why I didn't realise it sooner than I did at age 29, but I think it's pretty clear that I did. I just refused to accept it and went into denial. Cause after that I never brought it up again in my own diaries which I always kept secret. That one date I had with another girl from online right between that first and second entry went bad but I deluded myself to think that it went amazingly well. The diary entry about it doesn't reflect what actually happened at all. Nothing bad happened, we just didn't click at all and that disappointed me.

And Elena... I met her at a church group, which really wasn't ideal. Cause I was terrified of getting closer to her there and never saw her anywhere else. We didn't go to the same school. I didn't know if that was a homophobic church or not and I wasn't keen to find out. I was distressed and felt hopeless about it all. By the time of those entries, I had already seen her for the last time a year earlier. It was painful getting over her, but eventually I did. I knew it was hard enough already to try to find a guy to like me, at that age, and I felt very lonely and unlovable. I went from bullied to sexually assaulted within a few years and I never had the chance to find a space where I could look into and explore my sexuality in healthy and curious ways. I was stuck, chased by demons.

But at least I knew on some level, that wasn't bi or straight, but in fact lesbian, even though I stuffed it away again quicker than it had popped up. And somehow that comforts me a little bit. That my thoughts about it back then were actually quite coherent and clear. A little moment of clarity from my otherwise so foggy teen self. I mean most of my diary entries from back then are completely incomprehensible gibberish. Like I can't tell if they were about some dream, fantasies, just me trying to be poetic, or actual hallucinations. I had some mental health issues back then too, but for the most part I was just weird. I’m just sharing this cause I randomly felt like it. How growing up lesbian was like for me. In a way it feels like I kinda didn’t. That I more so grew up “fake straight” while in deep denial. My parents were always supportive and I knew they had good and humane views on gay people ever since I was little, but my school really wasn’t as tolerant at all. I was called a dyke for just having a close relationship with a straight female friend. That school had that sort of vibes, and it affected me. I was already bullied and didn’t want to give them “more reasons” to be mean to me. So I didn’t even dare to look into myself properly, and tried to tell myself that I could surely be into guys if I just gave them a chance, or a billion chances. It’s interesting to me now to see how I did end up developing internalised homophobia, and why I was stuck in my denial for so many years. On and off I could accept my attraction to women but only if I was bisexual and never for longer than a few months here and there. So, it’s clear to me that I struggled much more with accepting my lack of attraction to men. I guess my traumas are tied into that too, cause I very much felt like I was obligated to please men sexually and like that was my only way to regain control. Now I think I’ve worked through most of my internalised homophobia, but I still think it’s important that I understand it better, it’s origin, and what I can do to keep my lesbian pride up and forgive myself for how I lived in the past. And that, is essentially, the point of this post. To go back to my scared teen self and try to comfort her and forgive her for her mistakes.