#my insurance is now refusing to cover the one migraine med it has been letting me have

[creekfiend]

I am such. a mother. fucking. grumpus. I want to smash things. I could kill a health insurance exec with my bare hands. I could bite their throats out

[one-of-the-birds]

Late Night Thoughts

I have felt like shit all week. In all four categories: Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually.

Physically

This week there has been two say of non stop rain which not only brings on migraines but makes my chronic pain flair up like crazy. I've been waking up anywhere between 1-3pm if I'm lucky (I know part of the problem is that I stay up to like 2-3am the night before but shh)

I don't have any medication that can ease the tension of either pain. My migraine medicine is no longer covered by our insurance company so we now can't afford it and my body has gotten so used to any pain/tension release meds that none work on my shoulders/neck.

I've been trying to get up the energy to go to the gym that our apartment complex has, but just the idea of doing that makes me cringe in pain....

Emotionally

For the most part this is oddly the one that isn't the worst for once. I just feel useless and pathetic. No big deal, right? Due to my pain my family won't really let me do much of anything which makes me feel so useless... and I hate feeling this way. So I try to be super active here with all of you lovely people, but when the pain is so bad and I am pretty much rendered unable to hold my phone up I end up not being able to follow up on my promises.... ugh. Just about everyone has been super sweet and understanding about this, but I still feel like I'm letting you guys down....

Mentally

I feel so fucking trapped in this apartment. There is literally nothing to do. No TV, only a few of my books, a tiny ass kitchen, and my brother/father are refusing to help me find a way to set up my computer. (My brother has his for "school" but he only really uses it to game.) Due to the pain continuing to flair up my parents forced me to drop all classes this semester. I know it's for the best, but at least that would have been something for me to do...

Spiritually

The Theoi has always been good to me and understanding of my abilities as a devotee, but I just feel like I should be doing more for them. However, my father is so against everything I am as a witch and while my mother tries to understand she just picks out the parts she wants to accept. My brother has extreme asthma so I can't light any candles or have incense biting, and I know my family would question the hell out of me trying to do food offerings (plus I have to deal with puppies). I just hate feeling like I'm not doing enough for the Gods and Goddesses who have taken such care about me.

Long Story Short...

I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm stir crazy, bored out of my mind, in constant pain, and feeling useless. Not a good combo. I'm not super depressed but I know I'm slowly getting more and more down... I know the signs of my depression all too well so I'm not worried.

Please be patient with me. I know I have made promises to so many of you and that is on me not you guys. But I sadly have to ask for your patience as I cope and deal with the rather crappy hand I've been dealt. I am going to try everyday to fulfill one of the many promises but I can't control the pain.

This is such a long pity party post, so please accept my apology for this mess. I just had to write it all down to get it out if my system.

[chibimonkey]

My doctor is the worst human being

Let me say now that I have gotten all of my medications from my gp since I was 15. When I was 25, I was no longer eligible to be covered under my parents' insurance, and the only insurance I qualified for was Medicaid. I finally found one doctor near me who accepted that and she is a nightmare. I am chronically ill. I've been on pain medication for fibromyalgia since I was 18. I suffer chronic migraines and have been on medicine for that since I was 15. I also have anxiety and depression and have been on meds for that since I was 20. My old gp diagnosed and prescribed all of my medications to treat those illnesses. This new doctor refused to renew any of my prescriptions. Every time I make an appointment for something, she refers me to someone else. She frequently tells me I am wrong about my own family history. Her latest crusade is denying me my cymbalta. Cymbalta is my godsend. It treats 99% of my pain, it treats 50% of my headaches, and it has this nice added bonus of also treating my anxiety and depression. I asked her ONE TIME if she could prescribe me a secondary antidepressant, because I cannot change my cymbalta dosage but my depression was getting worse. She then told me to go see a psychiatrist three towns away and she would not renew my cymbalta until I do. Okay. I understand you wanting me to see a psych for a secondary med, but why the fuck are you making me risk hospitalization because my current med happens to treat depression as well? When I take that medicine for PAIN. The last time I went off cymbalta was when my ex told me we didn't have $30 for my refill and it would have to wait til next week. I got ten hours into my day before the pain was so bad I was throwing up, I felt like everything in my body had been broken, my skull was cracking open, and I couldn't eat. On the second day I was admitted to the hospital (which, you know, cost way more than the $30 he was trying to save). I was out of work for a week. (He miraculously found $30 on the third day and I got my medicine but it still took me three days to recover.) I will not go through that again because my current doctor is a sadist. I don't understand how you can call yourself a general practitioner or an internal medicine doctor when you refuse to treat anything and shove it off onto other doctors that I don't have time or money to go see. If I were 40 you wouldn't be this bitchy but because I'm 26 I'm automatically a healthy adult seeking drugs. Fucking asshole.