#my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now!

[depresseddepot]

so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to

[a-deadly-serenade]

The Shield and the Sword: Chapter 9: Fickle Feelings [Alucard/Reader]

You’re a witch that is skilled in herbology, one that has been persecuted by the church for practically your entire life. In spite of this, moving throughout different towns has allowed you to pick up some chatter about a woman in a village called Lupu. She is supposed to be a wonder when it comes to medicine, and this immediately perks up your interest. So after plucking up some courage, you’ve made it to her door… hoping that she takes you as her apprentice.

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16724856?view_full_work=true

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Although you could confidently say that you preferred spring and summer to the long, dreary days of impending cold brought by winter, there was a serene beauty to be found during the months of autumn. Trees shed their leaves in a beautiful array of colors, from dark browns, to bright reds and oranges, becoming a living breathing painting in the way they danced in the wind.

The ground became blanketed in plush and crunchy leaves that rustled quietly as tiny creatures made their way through the foliage in search of food and safety. Birds had begun their annual migrations to warmer territories, with only the few hardened species sticking around to conquer another harsh winter, as they had been doing for millennia.

The air was crisp, fresh, as though you were taking a bite of one of the juicy apples that had started dropping from the trees, glistening like forbidden gems in the morning dew.

Even though it made you a little sad to see the trees so barren, and the flowers slowly starting to retreat, there was an obvious relief to be felt amongst the plants. Winter was a time for them to sleep, to relax, to prepare themselves for the upcoming spring and summer. The next time you saw all of them, they would be bouncy and refreshed, full of renewed life as they greeted the warm weather with open arms.

You had also recently noticed how much extra free time you had, now that so many of the plants you tended to were beginning to retreat back to the earth. It was great to have more opportunities to fill with extra studying, or extra practice. Recently, you had taken to adapting some of the skills you learned these first few weeks working in Lupu to your magic. Some of the fairies even offered to help, with Aria and Livy being the most enthusiastic.

It was actually nice to have them collaborating with you on this endeavor. They had recently started scouting the gardens for any injured animals for you to practice on, and would take you to them once they had spotted someone in need of a little assistance. Oftentimes it would be a bird with a broken wing, but occasionally you would come across a fox with a busted leg, or a deer that had been injured fleeing from a predator.

From these sessions, you learned how to focus your energy into stopping any serious bleeding that may be occurring, both internally and externally. From there, you moved to repairing whatever it is that had been damaged. Bones took a bit more time to mend than a cut or scratch, but you were slowly building up your stamina on how long you could use your magic in order to tend to an injury.

You had yet to practice this on a human though, and considering how different and how complicated the human body was, you were more than a little skeptical of your abilities. Perhaps… it would be possible to try it on someone you trusted?

Your teeth tug into your bottom lip as you thought this over. Was it time to reveal that you were a witch to the villagers? Your patients? Your friends? It felt so…dishonest not being able to be your complete self when you were around them. It was exhausting having to put up these fronts in order to hide this part of yourself. Castlevania had been the first place outside of your coven where you felt completely authentic, and you never compromised yourself whenever you were around the Tepes family.

But, how would they react? Would they be horrified? Would they be terrified? Would they rat you out to the church and have you executed? Or… would they be understanding? Maybe even a little curious?

You let out a frustrated sigh, and looked down at the scrawl of notes you had taken about these new healing abilities of yours. This was so irritating! If only you could just use your magic while you treated people in Lupu! But of course not! Magic was somehow seen as ‘evil’ and ‘dark’, definitely not something that could benefit humanity as a whole!

Shaking your head to clear your thoughts, you got up and stretched out your arms and legs, only then realizing just how sore your back was getting; seems as though you had reverted to slouching again in your seat as you sat there pensively.

Maybe you could ask Lisa what she thought of the idea… yeah, that sounds like a fair compromise.

You raced out of your room, practically running down hallways as you sped to the laboratory on the opposite side of the castle. This is where Lisa spent most of her time, and enormous, ancient part of the castle that had once been used by Vlad, back in the day when alchemy was the talk of the town.

When you arrive at the entrance, an intimidating, iron door that had been coated in a pitch black color, you pushed it open and peeked inside.

“Lisa?” you called out, and walked in.

The floor was made of smooth marble tiles, and your footsteps hardly made a sound as you trekked across them in search of Lisa. It was with some amusement, that you noted how Vlad must be a huge fan of statues, since nearly every room you had visited was decorated with at least a handful of them. This time, they were large bronze statues of warriors with long swords and detailed shields, another nod to the Greek motif he seemed very fond of as well.

Rows and rows of tables were scattered throughout the room, each serving their own purpose as concoctions brewed or were left to sit and cure. You weren’t completely sure of everything that was going on, a lot of these instruments still being quite foreign to you. This room also held a fair amount of items Lisa claimed Vlad invented. Although, as you looked upon two large glass tankards that supposedly could create batches and batches of tonics within a mere hour, that claim slowly started to earn a bit more merit.

“Lisa?” you called out again, but still, you earned no response.

This place wasn’t that big… there was no way she wouldn’t be able to hear you. But the further in you walked, the more apparent it became that Lisa was most definitely not here.

That’s odd… you think to yourself, hands on your hips as you tried to picture where it is she could have gone.

The kitchen? But, there was still some time before lunch, it wouldn’t make sense for her to be up there right now. The garden? That might be a possibility. Or what about the medical library?

You sighed, headed out of the laboratory, and closed the door behind you. Where should you try first? You supposed that the medical library would probably be your best bet, and so you began to make your way there.

This had turned out to be a much bigger ordeal than you wanted it to be. You just needed some advice, that was all! But now it’s just turned into a wild goose chase, and you’re hoping that Lisa will be in the library so that you could actually make some progress with this!

As you dart down the last hallway, the sudden appearance of Adrian made you all but crash into a wall. Your feet awkwardly stumbled over themselves a few times as you slowed yourself down to a stop, your breath leaving you in short, shallow gasps.

“Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

Your eyes widened slightly as you looked at him, and you had to use all of the self-restraint within you to stop your jaw from hanging open in shock.

The entire time that you had been living in Castlevania, Adrian had kept his hair down, not like you could ever complain. His hair was beautiful, a light blond that shimmered golden in the sunlight, and silver in the moonlight. It complimented his elegant face beautifully, and you’d be damned if you hadn’t thought of running your fingers through his loose curls.

But today… he had tied it all back with a silk black ribbon, and stacked it in a messy bun that left a few strands to frame his face. You knew that you were staring, but you couldn’t help it. He looked so… he looked so--

“What, is there something on my face?”

His voice jolted you back to reality, and his question caused you to burst into a quiet fit of laughter.

“No… no, you just, surprised me is all.” you replied, and you felt yourself become at ease. Your gaze darted from his face to his garb, and your eyebrows furrowed in mild confusion when you realized that he was wearing a black cloak and leather riding gloves.

“Are you going somewhere?”

He appeared slightly taken aback by your question, but he quickly composed himself. “As a matter of fact, I am.”

You gave him a sly grin, as you teased, “You? Going out? Forgive me if I find that hard to believe.”

It did not appear as though he were in the same playful mood, his lips twitching for a moment before he said in a heated tone, “There are quite a few things I find hard to believe,” his voice trails off for a bit, and for a moment, you thought you could see the faintest tinge of hurt in his expression. This is quickly masked over as he looks back up at you, his gaze sending a cold chill down your spine. “But I doubt me wanting some time away from here is one of them.”

You’re frozen to the spot, absolutely baffled at what just happened. It wasn’t… you weren’t serious! It had just been a joke!  

Your own eyes narrowed at him, and you scoffed. “Fine, go!” you stepped aside and waved your arms down the hallway. “I certainly won’t stop you.”

He flinched, your scathing tone obviously doing its job as he glides past you without another word.

You felt like you could scream, like you could blast a hole into one of the walls, but… you just took a deep breath, and decided to continue on your quest to find Lisa.

Finally arriving at the medical library, you walked inside and to your surprise, you find Vlad sitting in one of the large armchairs. He had several books stacked on the small desk that stood beside him, a few of them open, even though he was currently flipping through one at the moment!

He did not seem to notice you at first, but as he looked up to attend to a steaming cup of tea, his eyes widened and he made a deep hum acknowledging your presence as he swallowed down his drink.

“Well, well, what a nice surprise,” he mused, a smile on his face. “I hardly expected any visitors today.”

You give him a shy grin in response, and slowly walked over to where he sat. “Actually, I was looking for your wife.”

“Lisa?”

You nodded. “I was hoping to get some advice on something… but I haven’t been able to find her!”

Vlad’s eyebrow raised up in confusion, and he put down his book. “Did she not tell you she left earlier this morning?”

Your mouth gaped open like a fish out of water, but then you frowned, your jaw tight and arms folded across your chest. “No, she did not…”

Vlad easily picked up how this news had absolutely soured your day, and he stood up from his seat to take a firm, yet comforting grip of your shoulder. “Do not take it too personally, little one. Lisa is infamous for leaving suddenly like this, especially during the colder months. She starts to think about one of the older women catching a cold, and then before you even know it, she’s racing out of here on Cinder with a bundle of supplies tied to his back.”

You chuckled at the image, and quickly found the tension in your body slowly seeping away. It was nearly impossible to be upset with Lisa, she was so selfless, and it warmed your heart learning how much she truly cared about the people of Lupu.

“I’d appreciate if she let me know next time, but, she obviously had her reasons.” you said, and let out a deep sigh. “It’s just… I would have really appreciate her intake on this…”

Vlad lead you over to a chair, and gestured for you to sit as he took his spot back in his armchair. “I hope that you understand that you can always come to me if you’re ever in need of someone else’s wisdom.”

You chuckled, and thank Vlad as he offers you a cup of tea. “Hmm… you may be onto something there,” you add some sugar and then take a sip, the warm brew setting your mind and body at ease.

A comfortable silence hangs in the air between the two of you, and you relished in the tranquility, utterly baffled that you had been so stressed out earlier.

You thought of what had transpired earlier between Adrian, and you inwardly cringe when you recall just how vindictive you had sounded. Although, it’s not as if you had been the only one with an attitude. Just what had gotten into him? What exactly did he mean when he said that he wanted to get away from ‘here’? Did he mean here as in, Castlevania? Why would he ever want to do that?

“Is something on your mind, little one?”

Your cheeks are tinged a light red, embarrassed that you had been so obvious. But, you tuck those specific thoughts back into some recess of your mind, instead focusing on the questions that had started this whole search in the first place.

“Do you…” you stopped, and your lips upturned into a grimace. “No, this is so stupid, I don’t know why I would ever think of such a thing--”

“I sincerely doubt that. Please, tell me,” he gave you a genuine smile and leaned forward a bit. “I have been alive for a very long time, young one. Nothing surprises me anymore.”

It was certainly a strange way to try and boost your confidence, but it definitely worked. Perhaps Vlad had been the one you were supposed to talk to after all, especially considering the fact that he was allegedly very skilled in the magical arts.

You ease yourself into the comfy armchair, fingers absentmindedly tracing around the golden rim of the teacup clasped tightly in your hands. “Well… let’s see… have you… have you ever been very public in showing off your magical abilities?”

Vlad’s eyes widened slightly, your question clearly catching even him off guard. “Are you asking me if I’ve ever performed my magic around humans?”

The tips of your ears turn a bright red, and your eyes shy away from his gaze. “It’s probably so silly,” you replied. “But… I was wanting to become more transparent with the villagers, to try and use my magic to do some real good. It’s probably just a pipe dream…”

“Now, there’s no need to say such things,” he said, and gave you a kind smile. “It’s honorable that you would think to put yourself at risk in order to help people. However,” his voice trails off, the frown on his face only cementing your previous claim at the ridiculousness of this idea.

“These are dangerous times for people like us, those skilled in the magical arts. Over the years, I’ve limited myself in how often I use magic to prevent any unwanted attention, especially now that I have a family.”

That you could definitely understand, and you suddenly felt so selfish at the idea of causing any of them harm by revealing your identity as a witch. But…

“I just… I just hate this nagging feeling,” you begin, voice a little hoarse. “I hate this idea that I can never be my true self around them because of what I am.” you sip on your tea to calm your jittering nerves, and took a deep breath. “It’s stifling.”

Vlad nodded his head in agreement. “Yes… it can be very frustrating having to deny so much in order to keep yourself out of harm’s way. You’ve heard of the nomadic tribe known as Speakers, yes?”

“Adrian mentioned them a few times during some of our lessons, but I must admit that I am quite unfamiliar with their teachings.”

Vlad waved his hand in the air, and a large red book flew off one of the shelves. Propelled by his magic, it spun around a few times before it gracefully landed on your lap, throwing itself open and flipping through hundreds of pages before stopping on a section with beautifully detailed drawings of people in long blue robes.

“I’ll be the first to admit that the Speakers were not too fond of me when they first found out who I was,” he chuckled, and stroked the end of his beard thoughtfully. “Especially when my skills in the dark arts started to make a name for themselves. So, when they found out that there was some murderous, dark, brooding vampire causing trouble up in the Wallachian mountains, they decided to find out for themselves if all the rumors were true.”

“‘Dark, brooding, murderous vampire’?” you echoed, amusement laced in your voice.

“You poke fun of me now, but…” he was silent for a moment, his grin faltering slightly. “I am not proud of the man I was before I met Lisa. The Speakers, in fact, were the first to suggest that I share my knowledge with the world. They were progressive, and the fact that they had been able to travel throughout Europe on tales of their good deeds alone was very impressive. But I was no fool. Even if I hardly left the confines of my castle, I knew that the world was changing and that sooner or later, their reputation was going to be what did them in.”

Your heart begins to race as you look down at the peaceful images of men and women using magic on the sick and injured, a foreboding feeling beginning to take hold of you as Vlad said this.

“Did…” you sense your throat starting to close up and you take another sip of tea. “Were they all… did--”

“Oh no,” Vlad reassures. “The Speakers still exist even today, but… I would be lying if I said that they had been spared the church’s wrath of persecution. Lisa tells me that nearby towns, notably Gresit, has been especially hostile towards the Speakers, claiming that they bring ill luck and evil alongside them.”

“I’d say that’s preposterous, but that seems to be the state of the country towards anyone that harbors magical abilities,” you hissed.

“Which is why I must warn you… to be cautious about who it is you reveal your secrets to. So long as the church remains in power, there is little that we can do to change public opinion.” Vlad placed his empty cup on the table in front of you, and folded his hands comfortably into his lap. “I’m sorry if this was not the answer you were looking for, little one.”

You nodded, having understood everything that he said, but you were still a little disappointed. “It’s so unfair… keeping all of this locked away. If only the church wasn’t so damn paranoid.”

Vlad laughed, a deep hearty sound that made goosebumps erupt on your arms. “That would certainly help put my mind more at ease. It worries me sometimes… that a passing stranger might one day mistake my Lisa as something far more sinister than a doctor.”

“I wouldn’t worry,” you said. “Everyone in the village loves her, I’m sure if there was ever any ill rumors floating around, that they would put a stop to it right quick.”

He let out a sigh, and nodded his head in agreement. “I suppose you are right. It’s been difficult to regain my trust in humanity, having seen so much tragedy and unnecessary bloodshed,” his gaze softens as he looks at you. “But, Lisa has changed me. She’s even suggested that I walk the Earth as a man, and nothing more.”

You blinked, and then said with a smirk on your face, “Vlad… you are a man though.”

He chuckled, and playfully ruffled your hair. “She meant that I should travel the country as men do, slowly, peacefully, making sure to take everything in.”

This concept was completely lost on you. What did he mean that he had never traveled before? How did he get here then? Had he never been on horseback? Never trekked across a steep mountain range?

“Well, how did you travel before?”

“When I was a young man, horses were the most common form of transportation. Although it’s been quite awhile since I’ve journeyed far on one. Let’s see,” he tapped his chin with his finger thoughtfully. “Oh, when I was getting the hang of my magic, I’d disguise myself as a bat and fly to nearby villages during the night.”

“A bat?” you blurted out in surprise. “That’s a bit cliche, don’t you think?”

“Where do you think the rumor of vampires turning into bats came from?” he retorted, which left you in stunned silence.

“You’re not serious… are you?”

“To be fair,” he began. “I’m not the only one in my family that can turn into an animal. My sister Stefana, can turn into a fox, which her partners find very impressive. She likes to put on a show, my sister, but she’s remained genuine for as long as we’ve both been alive so it seems fitting that’s the animal she chose.”

A sudden thought popped into your head, and before Vlad could continue going down his extensive family list, you asked, “Can Adrian turn into anything?”

Vlad paused, and then smiled as he nodded his head. “Of course, being my son, it makes sense that the magical arts come naturally to him, including transfiguration.”

“Do you have any examples?”

“Certainly. When he was around… oh, I’d say maybe ten years old, he turned into a bat. Gave his poor mother quite the shock when she couldn’t find him in his room, and she came to me, utterly hysterical, saying that he must’ve wandered off into some forbidden part of the castle. We were about to go searching for him, when a tiny white bat flew down from the ceiling and crash landed onto his bed.” he chuckled at the memory. “I was very proud, not having even the slightest inclination that he was remotely ready to perform such strong magic, but Lisa was far from relieved and Adrian received quite the scolding.”

“How cute,” you said, lips upturned into a delightful grin. “Can he still turn into a bat?”

“Oh yes, but I have not seen him do it in awhile. Recently, he’s been able to turn himself into mist.”

“Mist?” you asked skeptically. “How would that help?”

“It’s very useful, actually, being able to sneak around the castle or even outside with no one noticing. Although, that spell is more physically demanding than the others, so I’ve warned him to not abuse it too much.”

“Interesting…”

“And I understand that he’s managed to grasp turning himself into a wolf.”

Your heart stopped, the grip on your teacup going so slack that it almost slipped out of your fingers and smashed onto the hardwood floor. Did Vlad just say… that Adrian could turn into a wolf?

“Is something the matter?”

You felt a hand on your shoulder, and you shrunk  under his gaze, shakily placing your cup on its saucer. It was difficult to hide how frazzled this news had made you, but you just had to know, just needed some confirmation of the question that burned at the tip of your tongue.

“What kind of wolf can Adrian turn into?”

Vlad’s eyes lingered with unspoken concern, worried about this sudden shift in your demeanor, but still he replied, “A white one, but it has yet to be perfected. His eyes still remain bright gold, even in the form of a beast.”

“I see…” your heart felt as though it had leapt into your throat, and your mind flashed with images from your dream. This… this was impossible, right? Your grandmother had warned you time and time again that dreams were absolute bollocks, right? There was no way your subconscious was actually trying to get you to admit something you’d been stubbornly avoiding, right?

Your teeth dug into the flesh of your bottom lip, and you stood up from your seat, placing the book on Speakers onto one of the many books in Vlad’s pile. When had it become so suffocating in here? You needed to get out, you needed to take your mind off of this… development.

“Little one, did something I say upset you?” Vlad’s tall form towered over you, his face crinkled from anxiety. “If I did, I sincerely apologize--”

You cut him off with a firm no, and gently place a hand on his arm. “You did nothing to upset me, I promise. I just… I believe I need some time to… think things over. I think I should head to Lupu, perhaps seeing Lisa and the townsfolk will help put me at ease.”

Vlad nodded, visible relief washing over him as you said this. “I understand. I’m sure Lisa will be happy to see you as well,” he placed his large hand on the top of your head and delicately stroked your hair. “Have a safe journey, little one. I will be expecting your return later tonight.”

You gave him a genuine smile, and thanked him for his time and guidance, before you walked out of the library and closed the door with a quiet click.

                                        _________________

The feeling of the sun on your chilled skin and the cool autumn breeze dancing around you and Clara is exactly what you needed. You languidly stretch your arms behind your head and let out a soft sight, trying to get rid of all the tension that had seeped its way back into your muscles.

Bits and pieces of the conversation that you had with Vlad replayed in your mind, with the particular discovery of Adrian being able to transform himself into a wolf sticking out like a sore thumb. You had no time for such things… for such… foolish, almost childish notions.

Although, was it truly childish to feel certain things towards someone? Was it foolish to believe that maybe he even returned these feelings?

You shake your head, and absentmindedly begin to stroke Clara’s mane. Why would he ever return your feelings? What even were your feelings? It had all seemed so clear that night in the garden with the fairies, but the more you thought about it, the more convoluted it all became.

But there were things that you could not just chalk up to chance. The way that he looked at you during your lessons, the smile that erupted on his face whenever you got the hang of a new combat maneuver, the pink you had seen in his aura that night…

That night you were certain that he would have kissed you.

Ridiculous, you thought. Why would anyone fall in love with you? You had no money to your name, no property, and you were a danger to everyone around you should the wrong people find out about your true identity.

No… it simply made more sense to be alone, to instead focus on what you could do in the here and now, than in silly little fantasies that lived inside your dreams.

There was a bitterness in this resolution, but you did not care. It just made the most sense. After all, what sort of fool would fall in love with a witch?

The rest of the ride to Lupu went by in silence, with you admiring the wildlife and the trees to distract from the nagging feeling left behind by your earlier conclusions. Much to your surprise, it appeared as though the clinic was fairly busy, with a couple patients waiting patiently around the large apple tree that stood nearby.

After you dismounted Clara, you untied the provisions off of her back and removed her saddle and bit so that she could join Cinder in his current foraging of fallen apples and berries.

People waved and said their hello’s when they noticed you, and you happily exchanged greetings with all of them as you walked inside.

There were quite a few old folks sitting around the table, steaming cups of tea in their hands as they talked amongst one another, having a rather heated discussion on whether or not to make a batch of mucenici or papanaşi for the feast that was happening tonight.

You gave them a shy wave, the group acknowledging you with swift nods before they got back to their important conversation. You noticed that several mothers were waiting with their newborns, some of the babies sleeping soundly in their arms, while others giggled and cooed as they played with some toys or sloppily chewed on the ends of a blanket.

Although you were lacking in experience taking care of babies, you still stopped by to see what it is they each came in for, and thankfully, they all explained that they were here for their monthly checkup. The women happily toted that they had yet to suffer through a night of endless crying, from anything from an ear infection to a nasty cold.

Everyone seemed to be in such good spirits, and it made you smile, knowing that the hard work Lisa and you both did was not going under appreciated.

Speaking of Lisa, your eyes scanned the room but found no trace of her. Could she perhaps be in the back? Or maybe she had traveled to the village for a one-on-one consultation--?

“Ow! Watch it with that stuff!”

Everyone in the room simultaneously turned their attention to the door that held the laboratory, a couple of the older folks chuckling softly at the sudden outburst.

You frowned, and walked over to the door, pulling it open to reveal a very irritated Lorena and her younger sister Marian.

Marian was currently talking her sisters ear off, scolding her for what you supposed is what brought her here in the first place.

“Why don’t you ever listen to mother? She tells you all the time that you have to stop picking fights with people!”

Lorena glared at her sister, her brown eyes narrowed as her face scrunched up into a grimace. “What was I supposed to do? Just let those men behave like absolute animals?” she spat at her sister’s feet. “You’re such a coward, Marian. I couldn’t just sit back and let them treat her like that!”

Marian huffed, and threw her arms up into the air in exasperation. “Here we go again! Why do you always have to be the hero, Lorena? What if you had gotten seriously hurt?”

“It’s all worth it when I think about what could have happened had I not been there.” her voice comes out in a low hiss, but then she yelps when Lisa applies more alcohol to her wounds, deep gashes that had been slashed into her right arm.

“What happened?”

Your question seemed to finally alert the three of them of your presence, and they all simultaneously flipped their heads around to stare at you.

Lisa’s gaze softened, and her lips curled into a smile. “It’s so nice to see you, my dear. I’m terribly sorry that I left without saying anything, I just--”

“It’s okay,” you said, and sat down beside her. “When Vlad told me where you had gone off to, I knew you were only wanting to make sure everyone was doing alright.”

“And it’s a good thing I did,” she replied. “Lorena here got herself involved in quite a nasty fight.”

“Yes, I can see that,” you frowned, and gently take a hold of Lorena’s arm to more closely inspect her injuries. You shove your hand into the pocket of your cloak and procured the magnifying glass Marius had gifted you, using it to get a closer look. The cuts were clean, deep, and serrated, and as you handed her arm back to Lisa, you could surmise that they had been made from a sharp blade.

“Who did this to you?”

Lorena sighed, and cringed slightly as Lisa began to coat her arm in an ointment before wrapping it up. “I was walking through the woods in search of mushrooms and common game, hoping to help my mother a bit in finding everything we needed to make dinner. I had gone pretty deep, but I know these woods like the back of my hand, and I had been pretty excited after coming across a good stash of chanterelles and morels. I was just minding my business, when I started to hear a scuffle nearby. It sounded pretty rowdy, so naturally, I was a little curious. When I headed over to investigate, I found these two men surrounding this poor girl!”

Her nostrils flared in anger as she sat there, recalling the memory. “I dunno what they wanted with her, but they seemed pretty angry. I heard something about her people bringing “ill luck to their lands”, or something like that. It all sounded like hogwash, and she knew it too. She was feisty, I’ll give her that, she didn’t seem intimidated in the slightest. It wasn’t until I noticed the glimmer of a knife that I decided to step in. She was pretty good at fighting too, I don’t think I would have been able to take the two of them out without her help. But,” she chuckled, and looked over at her arm. “One of those bastards got me pretty good. He basically held me hostage after we knocked out his other buddy, and slit my arm a few times to try and convey how serious he was. I wasn’t scared though. I head-butted his face as hard as I could, which gave me a pretty nasty headache, but I’m pretty sure I broke his nose.”

“Was the girl alright?” you asked.

Lorena nodded her head, and flexed her arm a couple times to get a feel of the bandages. “Yeah, she was fine. Actually, she was very grateful for what I had done, saying that not many people would have risked their lives to help someone like her. Which I thought was strange.”

“Why was she surprised that you helped her?” Lisa wondered, and gathered up the dirty rags, tossing them into a boiling pot of water while she let her medical instruments soak in alcohol to be sterilized.

Lorena shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure… after that, she said that she needed to get back to her grandfather and vanished into the woods. Although, she was wearing a pretty strange set of robes.”

“Robes?” you repeated.

“Yeah, they were long and blue. With the hood up, I’m sure she could have easily been mistaken for a man.”

You looked over at Lisa, who’s eyes were now locked onto Lorena, and you guessed that she had the same idea you did.

“Lorena,” Lisa began, and walked back over to where she sat. “Are you telling me that you saved a Speaker?”

She blinked, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What’s a Speaker?”

“Seriously?” Marian gasped, her hands on her hips. “I knew you weren’t paying attention! We read all about them in that book we borrowed from Crina. They’re that tribe of magicians! The ones that come and help people!”

You were impressed that Marian knew who the Speakers were, and you were even more impressed that Lisa’s mother appeared to know about them as well.

“Well, if she lives in a group, why was she by herself?” Lorena wondered. “That doesn’t seem like a smart thing to do, letting a girl with magical powers walk around all by herself. It’s no wonder she got herself into some trouble!”

“It’s a good thing you were there to help her,” Lisa said, eyes crinkled as she smiled down at Lorena. “Us girls need to look out for each other.”

“Exactly!” Lorena exclaimed, and jumped up onto her feet. “That’s what I’ve been trying to say to you!” she pointed an accusatory finger at her younger sister. “Why can’t you get it?”

Marian bristled, and she looked ready to pounce on her sister and give her her own set of bruises, but Lisa placed a firm hand on her shoulder.

“But you should also be more careful next time, Lorena. Those men were dangerous, and you know you only managed to get out of there from sheer luck.”

Lorena’s face softened, her gaze shifting to the side as she bit her bottom her lip. “I guess you’re right, Lisa… Maybe I should have tried using my bow instead of my fists, huh?” she gave a crooked smile, one that made Lisa chuckle, and ruffle the top of her head.

“I suppose that’s a… fair compromise. Now, run along now, I’m sure your mother must be worried sick for the both of you,” she said, and lead the two of them out of her laboratory.

Lisa sighed, and closed the door behind her, her lips pressed into a thin line. “That was an awfully frightful thing to hear,” she said, and folded her arms to her chest. “I cannot believe that the Speakers are still treated so cruelly by people.”

“Have you ever met them before?”

She nodded her head. “Oh yes. When I first met my husband, they frequented the castle almost every month. A majority of the time, they came to speak to Vlad about magic or nearby towns. It was actually with their help that I managed to persuade him to visit these places on foot alongside the Speakers, since he had never gone on a journey like that before.”

“Yes,” you said, as you recalled what Vlad had said earlier. “He said it had been quite awhile since he had walked the Earth like “men do”. I hadn’t really understood what he meant, if I’m perfectly honest.”

Lisa chuckled, and opened a cabinet that contained stacks of parchment, placing it on a counter and flipping through the pile. “My husband isn’t too fond of traveling, but we all thought it might do him some good to see who it is I’d be helping with his knowledge. I think it was a nice change of perspective, and I’d love for him to take another trip like that soon.”

“You should tell him this!” you insisted. “If you reminded him how much good his first trip did, I doubt that he’d say no to you suggesting that he go on another one. Especially now that Adrian isn’t a child anymore, and you have me to help with the clinic.”

Lisa was silent for a moment, and she hummed thoughtfully to herself as she picked out three separate pages of parchment, setting them aside for now. “You make an awfully compelling argument, little one. Perhaps I will bring up the idea to him? The worst he can say is no.”

She opened another cabinet and took out a jar from the top shelf, before she walked over and handed it to you. “I’m about to be pretty swamped with a couple baby checkups, would you mind heading over to Marius’s place and delivering this? It’s a modified version of the usual burn ointment I make him. I’ve added green tea leaves to help keep his skin from drying out from the cold weather.”

“Very nice,” you commented, and tucked it inside of your pocket. “Is there anything else that you’d like me to do while I’m in town?”

She shook her head no. “Nothing comes to mind. But feel free to look around for anything that you might need.”

You nodded, and with a wave, you exited the clinic and trekked down the dusty path that lead into the village. It was as bustling as ever, stands filled with fruits and vegetables from the last big harvest, large bonfires crackling in the wind, their heavy smokey scent mingling with that of fresh stews and roasted meats.

Leaves crunched underneath your feet as you neared Marius and Diana’s home, the distinct sound of metal being pounded into shape ringing in your ears. As you approached the entryway that leads into their workshop, a cloud of steam billowed out from the slightly ajar door and you rubbed your eyes with the back of your hands.

“Hello?” you called out. “Diana? Marius? Anyone home?”

The rhythmic clanging suddenly stopped and the sound of heavy footsteps approaching made you stop. You ruffled your cloak a bit, which caused the steam to dissipate as you met them halfway and found Marius, face beaded with sweat and apron covered in an assortment of stains.

“What a lovely surprise,” his voice is gruff, but the smile he gives you warms you down to the tips of your toes. “I did not expect a visit from you, lass.”

“Sorry to come here unannounced, I just needed to give you this,” you took the jar out of your pocket and handed it to Marius. “It’s the new and improved version of the aloe we’ve been giving to treat your burns. Lisa said that she added some green tea leaves to help alleviate any patches of dry skin.”

He happily takes it from your hands, his expression shining with gratitude. “That was awfully thoughtful of her, I appreciate the extra lengths she goes to for us. It can be very refreshing.”

“Refreshing?”

Marius grunts, and drags himself over to a chair. “It’s not often that you come across someone as selfless as her in your lifetime. I’m forever grateful that she decided to dedicate her life to helping others. It’s what she was meant to do,” he popped open the jar and began to generously apply some of the ointment onto his arms and hands. “As were you,” he adds. “I think it was fate that you two were destined to meet.”

A flush coats your cheeks, and you give Marius a small smile. “You’ve all been so kind and welcoming to me… I don’t think I could ever thank you enough. Lupu almost feels like a second home to me now.”

“I’m glad,” he said, just as his eyes suddenly went wide as the front door burst open.

In came Diana, her curly red hair tucked away from her face with a cute little headscarf, her attention currently preoccupied on the baskets of produce that she was hauling inside.

Marius got up from where he sat and greeted his wife, kissing her gingerly on the forehead as he helped put the produce safely onto the kitchen table.

“Love, look who came for a visit,” Marius said, and nudged his head in your direction.

Diana turned around and gasped, before she let out an elated sound as she ran over and gave you a tight hug. “Oh it’s so good to see you!”

You grinned, and hugged her back. “It’s good to see you too, Diana. It appears as though you had an eventful day at the market,” you look over at the wide array of food that she had brought home, and make a mental note to look for where they were selling pumpkins.

“Everything was so cheap! You know I can’t say no to a good bargain,” she gave you a cheeky smile and a wink, before she pulled out a chair and sat down beside her husband. “So, to what do we owe this pleasure?”

“Oh, I was just dropping off some new burn medicine for Marius, but… I suppose I could stay here for a bit. There was no one else in the clinic besides some new mothers, and I have a feeling that they’re going to keep Lisa preoccupied for a bit.”

Diana laughed, and fervently nodded her head in agreement. “Aye, I got a glimpse of who it was heading up there today, and if I’m right on who I think it is, they’re all first-time mother’s. They’ll probably want a full examination and then some. But anyways, what have you been up to?”

You noticed that Marius had begun sorting away all of the food Diana bought, while he let a kettle come to a boil over the fire. The fresh scent of apples lingered in the air as he chopped them up, your curiosity piqued as to what it is he might be making.

Your attention flits back to Diana, and you sighed. “Besides studying and working at the clinic? Nothing too exciting.”

“Really?” she frowns, and almost appears as though she is pouting in her seat. “Surely I thought something must be going on, what with Adrian showing up here this afternoon.”

“Huh?” you blurt out. “Adrian was here? In Lupu?”

Diana nodded her head. “I saw him while I was heading to the market. At least, I’m pretty sure it was him. I doubt there’s an abundance of tall, handsome blond men running around Wallachia.” she teased, her tongue poking out between her teeth. “Especially one that owns such a stunning steed.”

You were silent, eyes downcast and eyebrows furrowed together in disbelief. Adrian had come here? But why?

You thought back to when you last saw him, wearing his big black cloak and leather riding gloves. Is this where he had been heading before the two of you had gotten in your little argument?

Diana makes a strange sound in the back of her throat, one that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up when you finally meet her gaze. “You didn’t know that he was coming here?” there’s a tone to her voice that you cannot decipher, and you nervously swallow a dry lump in your throat.

“No… I… well, it’s true that I may have run into him earlier today and noticed that he was wearing his riding gear but…” your own voice trails off, a heavy weight pressing down on your chest as you thought back to the… conversation the two of you had shared that morning.

Diana’s face softens, and she placed a comforting hand on top of your own. “You seem troubled, sweetheart. Did something happen?”

You let out a long, irritated sigh. “You could say that…”

“Well, you can tell me about it,” Diana said gently. “It can sometimes help--talking about things that are bothering you.”

You feel yourself clam up again, as you pondered whether or not to reveal what had transpired between the two of you. Maybe… maybe she was right, maybe getting someone else’s perspective on the matter would help you make sense of it… especially on his feelings of needing to escape the castle.

Before you could say anything, Marius reappears with some honeyed apples and a batch of fresh lavender tea. The sweet treat smelled heavenly, and it tasted just as good. The honey was sticky and delicious, and mingled wonderfully with the rich lavender tea; it was just the sort of thing you needed to help set your mind and body at ease.

You cleared your throat and dabbed your mouth with a napkin, your own subtle way of letting Diana know that you were ready to speak.

“Adrian and I had a… well, I’m not even sure I could call it a conversation. It started off harmless enough, I had made a joke saying I was surprised to see he was leaving the castle when I noticed what he was wearing. But, then he got so hostile…”

“Hostile?” Diana asked. “That doesn’t sound like him.”

“I know,” you replied. “I did not think that he would take my words so seriously… he told me that I shouldn’t be surprised that he would want some time away from home. But,” you scoffed, and swirled the tea in your cup. “I don’t know why he got so upset.”

“Hmm…” Diana leaned back in her chair, head craned up slightly in pensive thought. “Did something happen between the two of you recently?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” she folded her hands together and rested them on the table. “Seems to me that you were the one he was trying to avoid.”

“Me?” you gave a wry chuckle. “That’s reassuring.”

“Now, listen here,” Diana said, a stern look on her face. “Something must have happened between the two of you, something that made him feel hurt and upset. Otherwise, there’d be no need for him to be so hostile towards you. Think. There’s got to be something.”

“I’m telling you,” you snapped. “Nothing has happened between us! We’re just friends!”

“Are you sure?” Diana countered.

“What?”

“Are you sure? That you’re just friends, I mean.”

You rolled your eyes. “Of course I’m sure. We’re not secret lovers, if that’s what you’re implying.”

Diana rubbed her face, and then let out a loud cry, “You’re absolutely hopeless! How can I help you if you aren’t going to be truthful with me?”

Your face heated up a bit when she said this, and you stuttered over your words, “I… I am telling the truth!” you tried to say your words with conviction, but there was no bite to your voice, your emotions betraying you when Diana picked up on the very slight waver in your response.

“Oh really?” she sneered at you, like a cat that had just stumbled upon its prey. “What are you hiding, hmm?”

You fidgeted in your seat, and you tried your absolute best to avoid making any sort of eye contact with her. Should… should you tell her about what happened at the colosseum? You weren’t reading too much into things, right?

Diana all of a sudden let out a gasp, and her green eyes sparkled with excitement in the low light of the fire. “Don’t tell me…” she said, and lowered her voice slightly, as if trying to conceal a secret amongst the three of you--even though you were the only three in the house.

“You have a crush on Lisa’s boy.”

Your mouth hung open in shock, and you were absolutely mortified. How on Earth…? How was she able to deduce such a thing?

She let out a high pitched squeal, and wiggled excitedly in her seat. “Oh, I’m right aren’t I? You have a crush on the little Tepes boy.”

“I…” your voice was strained, the bright red blush on your face making it hard to conceal that she had practically hit the nail on the head. “I…” you tried again, but you struggled to form the right words so you just let out a frustrated sigh.

“Hey,” Diana said, all of the teasing out of her voice. “It’s alright love, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!”

You let out another hollow sigh, your fingers beginning to pick at the fraying strands of fabric from your napkin. “But then why do I feel so ashamed?”

Her expression softened, a hint of sadness finding its way into her gentle gaze. “Why would you feel ashamed, sweetheart?”

“I… I don’t know. I’ve just never thought that love was in the cards for me, that I’d rather focus on my career as a healer instead of worrying about such a thing.” you gave her a sad smile, and rested your elbows on the table as you leaned forward. “Plus… it would just be too… dangerous for me to have a romantic partner.”

“Dangerous? What do you mean?” Marius asked.

“Well…” your voice tapered off as you thought this over. You knew why it was a bad idea for someone to be involved with you romantically, but you hardly thought it prudent to tell either one of them that you were a witch. After the story Lorena had told, it suddenly made more sense as to why Vlad had refrained from using magic too often.

It’s not like they could relate to your personal fears either, it’s not everyday that someone can say that they’ve been hunted down by the church.

So, as much as it pained you to do, you decided to keep quiet. It was the smart thing to do.

“It’s… complicated.” you finally replied. “I just… this isn’t something I want to have to worry about!”

“Why are you spending your time worrying about having a crush? It’s normal! It happens to everyone!” Diana exclaimed. “To me, the more time you spend trying to convince yourself that you don’t like him, just proves that you actually do!”

“That’s absolutely ridiculous!” you countered, ears tinged red from embarrassment. “I’m… I’m trying to be logical about this.”

“That’s the problem! You can’t be logical towards your feelings, that’s not how it works!” Diana took a big gulp of tea, and then pointed a finger at you. “Something big must have happened to make you feel so… confused . What was it? Are you gonna come out with it then?”

“I…” you grit your teeth, and let out a loud groan. “I think…” you sighed, and slowly lowered your head so that it could rest on your forearms. “I think Adrian tried to kiss me the other night.”

Diana leapt out of her chair, the seat falling onto the floor with a loud thud .

“What?” she nearly hollered.

Your hands card through your hair, and you throw your head back to avoid looking at either of them. “I’m not sure, but!” you slowly eased back forward, eyes peeking out from behind your fingers. “I think he meant to kiss me that night and I… and I just… I couldn’t do it.”

Diana’s demeanor seemed to calm instantly, and she moved to sit beside you, a hand going to rest on your shoulder. “It seems to me as though you’re having quite the struggle at opening up your heart.”

You chuckled, and leaned in closer to her embrace. “You’re not the first person to tell me that. It’s just… difficult, for me to make sense of my feelings at the moment. I do care about Adrian, I care about him very deeply, but… I still need some time.”

“And that’s perfectly fine, lass.” Marius said. “Love isn’t a simple matter. It’s not something that can be left to the whimsical definitions of poets and romantics; it’s heavy, it’s messy.” he took a hold of your hand in his, which seemed so small compared to his much larger stature.

“Take all of the time you need to come to terms with your feelings. Rushing into things is what often leads to horrible mistakes, both on the battlefield and in relationships.” he gave his wife a coy smile, and then relinquished the grip he had on your hand to give you an endearing pat on the head.

“My husband is right,” Diana agreed. “You shouldn’t feel pressured, love. Although, it does sound to me that he was quite hurt at this rejection. Perhaps he’s unaware of your feelings?”

“That makes sense,” you said. “But… as I’ve said, I’m not even one-hundred percent sure about my own feelings. It… it just seems unfair for me to promise something to him and then not be able to deliver. But…” you went quiet, a frown on your face. “The least I could do is apologize for what I said today. I had been incredibly rude…”

“I’m sure that he would greatly appreciate that,” Diana replied. “I’m sure that he must be home by now, he didn’t stay long in the village after-all.”

At this, your interest is once again peaked. He hadn’t been long? Surely, you thought that he would have at least visited his mother. Why make the unnecessary trip of coming all the way here?

“Did you see where it is he went?”

Diana cocked her head to the side, and hummed quietly to herself. “I think I saw him head to the eastern part of the village,” she turned to face her husband. “What’s over there again darling?”

Marius scratched the stubble of his beard in deep thought. “Well, I ken that’s where Valeria and Tomas live, and Cordelia and her children as well. Oh… and the jeweler is over there as well.”

“The jeweler?” Diana cooed. “Now what could he be doing over there? You don’t think it has anything to do with their upcoming celebration?”

“What upcoming celebration?”

Diana gaped at you as though you had grown a second head. “You don’t know about the big party?”

You shake your head.

“The one that’s being hosted in honor of Lisa and Vlad’s twentieth anniversary?”

“Their anniversary is coming up?” you yelled out in surprise. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“It isn’t happening for another two months,” Marius said, and lightly shoved Diana to snap her out of her shocked stupor. “So they probably saw it fit to tell you a little closer to the date.”

“But it’s their twentieth anniversary,” you said, still shocked at the idea of attending a party in celebration of Lisa and Vlad. “That’s a pretty big milestone.”

“Yes, and Lisa’s been telling me that family from all over are going to attend! Oh, I’m sure that night is going to be absolutely magical.” Diana sighed wistfully, and rested her head on Marius’s chest.

“Their family, huh?” you thought of the enormous, intimidating portraits that lined the hallways of Castlevania, and swallowed nervously. If there was one thing that could set your nerves on edge, it was a castle full of vampires.

“Oh, there’s something I almost forgot,” Marius said, and he hobbled over to a box that lay hidden underneath a couple of embroidery patches. He placed it gently on the table before you and pulled it open, revealing a set of matching locket’s. The craftsmanship was exquisite, the pieces decorated with tiny flowers forged of the most delicate silver, accented by the light of a beautiful gemstone that rested in the center.

You let out a quiet gasp, and gently stroked one of them with the pad of your finger. “They’re beautiful… did you… did you make them, Marius?”

He smiled sheepishly, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Aye. I thought it would be a nice gesture, a way to try and repay Lisa and her family for all that they’ve done for us. I know it’s not nearly even close to what it is they deserve, but--”

“Nonsense,” you quipped, and gave him a bright grin. “They’re going to love them.”

Your eyes lingered on the lockets once more, but then you raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “Why are you handing these to me now? Why not give it to Vlad and Lisa personally?”

“Ah, well,” Marius chuckled. “Lisa and her family travel during the holidays, not that I really blame them getting out of here before such dreadfully cold days. I believe they usually head south, to stay with some relatives.”

“So… that means I would probably go with them too then, huh?”

“‘Suppose so,” Diana replied. “But don’t you worry your head off about us darling. Consider it a vacation, they’re only really gone a few weeks.”

At this, you let out a small sigh of relief. You thought it almost reckless to leave the village up to the whims of a harsh winter whilst you relaxed in some luxurious castle in the south-side. Still… you wondered where it is they headed off to, and you hoped that these relatives of theirs would be alright with you tagging along.

But that was something to worry about for another time.

You tentatively reached to put the box containing the lockets into your pocket, halting yourself for a brief moment just to double-check that Marius really wanted you to take them.

He let out a hearty laugh, and with a fervent nod, you carefully placed the little treasures into the confines of your cloak.

“I promise to keep them hidden until Lisa and Vlad’s special day,” you said, and got up from you seat. “I believe it’s about time that I head back to the clinic, I’m sure that Lisa could use some help by now.”

The couple smiled at you, and Diana got up from her seat to give you another tight hug.

“It was so wonderful to see you again, sweetheart. I hope that our little talk didn’t end up making things more confusing for you.”

You shake your head, and gave her a genuine smile. “No, I think it actually helped me out a lot. You were right, Diana, when you said that talking about all of this would make me feel better.”

She grinned, and bopped the tip of your nose with her finger. “Never underestimate the power of a good conversation, lassy.”

You gave both her and Marius one last hug before you departed from their home and made your way back to the clinic, mind feeling a lot less clouded and heart feeling a lot less heavy.

                                            _________________

The remainder of your day spent at the clinic went by without much fuss, with Lisa actually leaving you to handle the rest of the patients that came in while she cleaned up in the back. You had been a little nervous, but she knew that you could handle it.

As you said farewell to the last patient of the day, a farmer named Mihal who had nicked himself pretty badly after shearing his sheep, you let your thoughts wander back to the time you spent with Marius and Diana.

You hoped that Adrian would be willing to see you, much less speak with you. It was difficult to dwell on just how… callous you had been that morning. It was so unlike you.

But, you thought. It’s not like he handled the situation any better.

However, you had to cut him some slack. If Diana’s presumptions held true, it only made sense that he lashed out at you, who seemed completely apathetic to the fact that there may be something more than just friendship between the two of you.

You let out a long, exhausted sigh and turned your attention over to putting away the books and notes that you’d brought along with you. You could focus on all of your confusing… feelings when you got back to Castlevania.

Making your way outside, you called out for Clara, and after a few seconds, she emerged from behind some trees on the outskirts of the large forest that stood on either side of the small village. She whinnied and trotted over to you, as she nuzzled her snout against your cheek. You gave her an affectionate pat on the head and started to get her ready for the journey back home, a little surprised when you spotted Cinder coming out of the woods only a minute or so after.

As you tugged on the straps of Clara’s saddle to make sure that everything was secure, Lisa made her way out of the clinic and locked the door behind her. Her delightful laughter rang out through the crisp twilight air as Cinder playfully nibbled on some of her hair, and she gave him a few affectionate kisses on his head before she too began getting him ready for the ride back.

The two of you silently worked on preparing your horses, and when everything was neatly packed away, you gave a quiet click of the tongue and were on your way.

Although you both had decided to make quicker haste to avoid the cold night air, that did not mean you could not have some pleasant conversations.

“Did you enjoy your time with Marius and Diana?” Lisa asked.

You suppressed the urge to look away from her when she asked this, especially considering what you three had talked about. But, you supposed this would be a fine opportunity to learn more about this anniversary party Diana had mentioned.

“Yes, Marius was very grateful for the ointment, and while I was there, I found out an interesting little tidbit of information,” you cocked your head towards Lisa and give her a devious smile.

“Oh?”

“Diana might have let slip about a certain… party, that’s coming up.”

Lisa’s eyes widened a bit, and she gave a sheepish smile as a blush decorated her cheeks. “Oh, yes… that party. I’ve been meaning to tell you about it, but I thought it more prudent to let you know when it grew closer to the actual event.”

You nodded you head. “Yeah, that’s what Marius said. I’ll admit, the thought of being in a castle full of vampires does make me a little nervous.”

She laughed. “Trust me, my dear, if you can handle living with my husband and Adrian for as long as you have, this party will be a cakewalk.”

You laughed as well, and then hummed quietly to yourself. “I mean, on the bright side, even if I turn into a nervous wreck, it’ll be a good chance to meet some of the relatives you’ve told me about.”

“Yes, that’s true,” Lisa replied. “But we’re not just inviting relatives, close family friends are coming as well. We sent out the invitations several months ago, and almost everyone has gotten back to us,” she noticed your nervous glances and waved off your concern. “Don’t fret so much, love. It’ll be fun! I’m sure everyone will want to know more about my mysterious apprentice.”

You rolled your eyes. “There’s nothing ‘mysterious’ about me. Your family will take one look--no one sniff of me, and instantly know my entire life story. As much as I hate to say it, we witches have left rather cliched stories of tragedy in our wake.”

Lisa looked over at you solemnly, and pulled Cinder over so that she could rest a hand on your shoulder. “You must stop seeing yourself in such a negative light, little one. Just look at much good you’ve accomplished within your small time of living with me,” she gave you a kind smile. “Don’t worry about what they think, the only thing that matters to me, is that you know how much we care about you.”

Shock lingered on your visage for a split second before you nodded your head, eyes shining with unspoken gratitude. “Thank you, Lisa. It’s…” your voice trails off. “It’s been… difficult, learning to accept that my life doesn’t have to be marred with tragedy. You and your family have helped make that possible. So… again, thank you.”

She gave you a smile so radiant that it could rival the sun, and even though the night slowly grew colder, it did little to put a damper on the warmth that had found a home amongst the conversations you both shared the rest of the ride home.

It wasn’t until the towering pillars of Castlevania appeared on the horizon, did the anxiety you felt towards this upcoming conversation with Adrian resurface. There was a small part of you that wanted him to be waiting outside of the stables as you and Lisa rounded the last hill, but these hopes were dashed just as quickly as they appeared.

Instead, Vlad was there to greet the two of you, and after he gave you an affectionate pat on the head, he plucked Lisa off the back of Cinder as though she weighed practically nothing, and cradled her in his arms as they kissed.

You smiled at the cute display, but there was a sadness hidden behind your eyes as you walked Clara over to her stall. It seemed so unfair that you were denying yourself the same happiness but… it was for the best. You would never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to the family that had been so kind to you all because of a small crush.

You were so lost in thought that you did not hear Vlad and Lisa enter the stables to put Cinder into his stall, and only seemed to snap out of it when they called you over.

“So,” Vlad said, a light blush decorating his pale cheeks. “Lisa tells me that you found out about our anniversary party?”

“Yes, Diana let it slip while I visited her and Marius,” you said, as you followed alongside them into the castle. “And although I am a little nervous to be around so many of your… relatives, I am excited to be apart of such a momentous occasion!”

Lisa blushed, and wrapped her arms around one of her husbands. “I can’t believe it’s already been twenty years.”

Vlad hummed in agreement. “It’s quite extraordinary. I remember the first time we ever met, as though it had happened only yesterday.”

Lisa laughed and gazed up at him adoringly. “Yes, you had been so rude, having not offered me a drink or even to take my coat. I suppose you’ve learned some more manners since we’ve been together.”

Vlad gave a hearty laugh, and gently kissed the top of her head. “For you, my dear, I would move Heaven and Earth.” his ruby eyes glanced over at you, who had been wearing a sly grin this entire time. “Something amusing, little one?”

You fold your hands behind your back and shake your head, “Noo,” you replied, in a sing-songy voice.

Lisa chuckled, and then asked, “Dear, is Adrian not home? I would have expected him to be waiting with you.”

You feel your heartbeat quicken a bit, and you silently kick yourself for how eagerly you await Vlad’s answer with baited breath.

“He is. Last time I saw him, he was heading down to the colosseum to get some practice.”

Lisa made an irritated sound in the back of her throat. “I wish he would find some place else to train… that place is still crawling with monsters.”

“Monsters?” you echoed, and stopped in your tracks.

They both turned to look at you, and the stare that Lisa was giving Vlad, made it very apparent that he was going to be the one having to answer this one.

“Well, you see,” he began, and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “As I mentioned during our previous conversation, I used to be… quite a household name, but not because of my generosity in the academics. The number of creatures that live within these halls has substantially decreased since those days, but I still keep a few around for protection.”

“Protection from what?” you asked, skeptical that anybody would willingly try and break into Castlevania.

“I ask myself the same question,” Lisa said, a frown on her face.

Vlad fidgeted nervously where he stood, not used to such scrutiny from his own wife. “Well… you never know. It would be foolish for me to simply rely on myself to protect my home if that time ever came. I find it reassuring to know that there are other means in which I can defend my home.”

You were silent for a moment, but then slowly nodded your head. “I mean… that makes sense.”

Lisa gaped at you, clearly unprepared for that response.

“What?” you replied. “I doubt that they would ever harm you or Adrian. They work for Dracula. I’m sure if you so much lost a single hair from your head, they’d be done for.”

Vlad nodded his head in agreement. “Precisely. I also think it’s good practice for Adrian. If he knows how to take down a supernatural beast, he’d hardly work up a sweat against a human opponent.”

Lisa still looked far some pleased, obviously annoyed that you had taken Vlad’s side on this. “It still makes me nervous. What if something were to happen to him while he was down there?”

“Nonsense,” Vlad said. “This is Adrian that we’re talking about, our son. He’s perfectly capable of defending himself.”

She looked as though she had more to say on the matter, but, Lisa decided to table it with a resounding sigh. “Alright, as long as you have confidence in him!” she snapped. “Now, what do you say I fix you two up something to eat?”

As much as you wanted to join them, this nagging feeling in the back of your mind told that you should just head down to the colosseum and get this conversation over with. So you declined Lisa’s kind offer, and told them that you were going to join Adrian, who warned you to stay as far away from whatever monster he was facing.

The thought of seeing a monster caused a chill to seep into the very marrow of your bones, and you wondered just what exactly lurked within the dark, ancient halls of this castle.

When you were little, you had read the tales of infamous Greek monsters, of minotaurs hiding amongst the twisting turns of a giant labyrinth and of vicious chimeras incinerating anything in their path with their fiery breath. Closer to home, there were stories of hellhounds stalking nearby cemeteries, waiting to pounce on anyone unlucky enough to come across them, and of wailing banshees and vindictive spirits haunting homes for generations.

Your nerves were on edge as you walked down the long hallway of the marble gallery, your magic tingling through your veins in preparation to defend yourself from anything that decided to make itself known. You had to keep reminding yourself that these creatures would never harm anyone Vlad believed to be a part of his family, so, you marched forward, and tried to keep a clear mind.

When you finally made it to the old, withering door that lead to the narrow winding staircase, you pushed it open, startled when you come face-to-face with…

“Aria?”

The tiny fairy looked absolutely frazzled, and her big blue eyes widened in surprise when she realized who she had run into. “Thank goodness!” she cried out, and grabbed a hold of your hand. “You must come at once! Adrian he… he…” tears welled in her eyes and she tugged you forward.

Your throat goes dry, and you bring her closer to you. “What’s happened?”

She sniffled, and pulled on your hand again. “He needs your help! Please… please hurry!”

You waste no time in heeding her pleas and take down the stairs at once, going down them as fast as your legs would allow. Your heart is hammering in your chest, and by the time you reach the entrance to the colosseum, you’re panting and your forehead is covered in a sheen of sweat.

The eerie blue glow of the flames cast an ominous shadow onto the colosseum grounds, the putrid stench of evil lingering within the atmosphere. When you finally see what Aria was talking about, your legs are frozen to the spot

Adrian. On the ground. Covered in blood.

You run to him and all but collapse beside him, hands shaking as you quickly scan him over to assess the damage. He lets out a low grunt when your fingers prod at his chest, ripping apart the fabric of his shirt so that you could get a better look at the entry wound.

It was clean, but it looked deep. Your hands move to rest on his chest, and immediately notice how shallow his breathing is, coming to the conclusion that the stab had gone clean through the ribs and punctured his lung.

You feel tears prick at the corner of your eyes when you glance up and see that he’s looking at you, a small smile on his lips.

“Aren’t I lucky that you came down here so quickly?”

“What happened?” you snapped, irritated at the tears that managed to slip past your defenses. You stubbornly wiped them away with your free hand, and it was then that you saw his sword, tossed aside, tip covered in blood.

“I had,” he winced as you apply pressure. “I had been practicing against some of the monsters… seems as though one of them got the better of me.”

“You absolute fool,” you whispered, and pointed at his sword. “Why did you take it out? Didn’t your mother ever teach you to never pull out the foreign object involved in a stab wound?” your voice is hoarse, and panic starts to set in as more and more of his blood coats your hands.

He chuckled weakly. “I thought I might try seeing how much my healing magic has improved…” he glanced down at his wound, and flinched. “Seems as if I still have a way to go.”

How could he be acting so nonchalant about this? This wound was serious. If he didn’t get proper medical treatment immediately he could… he could--

“Aria,” you said, and she flew over to you. “Go and get Lisa. Tell her what happened. I’ll try and stop the bleeding, but I’m going to need her help in order to--”

“No!” Adrian hissed, and took a firm hold of your wrist. “If I wanted my mother’s help, I would have sent for her.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you quipped. “I’m not equipped to deal with this.”

“Yes, you are.”

His grip slackens, and his hand goes to rest on top of yours. “I believe in you.”

You choke back more tears, and your hollow laughter rings out into the still air of the colosseum. “You believe in me? ” you bite down hard on your lower lip to keep it from trembling. “Even…” you let out a stuttering gasp. “Even after what happened today?”

His golden eyes soften, and he nods his head. “Of course. I… I was actually down here trying to get myself into a clearer state of mind before coming to talk to you.” he’s silent for a moment, a shallow breath slipping past his lips. “I wanted… I wanted to apologize,” the grip on your hand tightens for just a moment. “What I said earlier… it was--”

You silence him with a shake of your head, not needing to hear what you already knew. “It’s alright… it’s alright,” you said, and gently removed your hand from his hold on you so that you could place both of them over his wound. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you focus on stopping the bleeding and closing the wound, as you had done to so many animals. You had to let go of your anxieties to truly let your magic do its work, and believe in the intent that you carried within you to heal Adrian… to save him. A warm feeling bubbled within your chest, your magic flowing through your fingers like a stream of liquid gold.

You thought of all the anatomy lessons Lisa had painstakingly gone through with you, and you pictured the lungs, the right one specifically. In your mind you could see every individual cell, every vein, and every nerve. It needed to be stitched back together, the cell walls, the tissue, the skin… and the blood needed to clot, needed to stop.

There’s a tingling at the very ends of your fingertips, a sensation that travels up your entire body and eventually expels from you in a long, arduous sigh. You feel light headed, and sweat drips down your back, but when you open your eyes, his wound is gone, and the only indication that he had ever been injured is a small scar located at the entry-point.

Your arms are shaking, and you’re struggling to keep yourself up right, but you could not hide the utter elation that fills you up at such a momentous success.

“I can’t believe I did it…” you whispered.

Adrian smiled weakly and placed one of your hands over his heart, its rhythmic beating setting your mind at ease. “I never doubted you for a second.”

There’s a small tug at your hair, and you turn to find Aria, tears flowing down her face that she wipes away with said strand.

“You’re…” she sniffled. “You’re so amazing. I can’t believe you did that!”

You delicately cup her in one of your hands and set her on your shoulder. “It’s all because of your quick haste to find help that I was even able to save him, small lady. So, thank you.”

Aria let out a dramatic wail, and wiped more tears from her eyes. “Whatever did we do to deserve you!”

The moment is unfortunately cut short when a foreboding feeling settles at the base of your spine, and you sense dozens, if not hundreds of eyes on the three of you. Your head shoots up to look into the stands, and your skin crawls at the sight.

Monsters, of all shapes and sizes, stood watch in the seats.

Skeletons wielding swords and lances clatter noisily to one another, while giant, leathery, bipedal birds wielding long spears glare down at you with their beady yellow eyes. Strange gargoyle like creatures, their mouths filled with rows of razor sharp teeth, cackled from up above, while giant wolf-like beasts howled and stomped their giant paws onto the marbled flooring.

“Begone!” Adrian shouted, and grit his teeth as he struggled to get up on his feet. “As your master, I command you to leave this place at once!”

“You are no master of mine.”

The hair on the back of your neck stands up as an otherworldly voice echoes throughout the stadium. The monsters in the stands recoil at the sound, silencing almost instantly, and from one of the nearby entrances, emerged a group of powerful, intimidating monsters.

Knights adorned in thick, steel armor galloped in on horses… horses that appeared to be missing the lower half of their body. Their steeds were unlike any that you had ever seen, decaying and rotten, with their intestines hanging out from where they’d been chopped in half. In their hands they each held a long, deadly lance, raised at the ready to attack.

Beside them stood another group of knights, but they were much too tall for it to be a human residing within the sturdy, blue colored steel. They stood nearly shoulder-to-shoulder with the monstrous horses, and grasped tightly in their massive hands, were a large steel shield and an enormous ax.

You quickly stood up and put yourself between them and Adrian, staring them down with all of the courage that you could muster.

“What is it you want?” you demanded.

“Ah, so you’re the one that emitted such… deliciously powerful magic,” one of the horse-back knights cooed.

“We can’t tell you how surprised we were when we found out that our Lord and Master allowed a witch to walk these sacred halls,” another one spat. “We thought it had been an utter disgrace… that is, until now.”

Their horses let out deep, guttural cries that turned your stomach to knots, as their masters commanded them slowly forward.

“Stay back!” Adrian yelled, his legs wobbling as he stood up off the ground. He grunted from the effort, and almost collapsed back onto the floor, had you not caught him and let him lean against you for support. “I am the Prince of Darkness, son of Vlad Dracula Tepes, and as such, I command you to let us be on our way!”

The knights chuckled, and simultaneously raised their lances.

“You are nothing more than a pathetic child,” one of them hissed. “A petulant brat that assumes he can command us as though he were his own father. Imagine.”

They all laughed, an empty sound that made goosebumps erupt on your skin.

“Please,” you pleaded. “Just let us be on our way, and I promise not to tell Vlad what happened here.”

“Silence witch!” one snarled. “How dare you speak our Master’s name. You were foolish to come down here alone.”

“We never saw what he saw in you, but now…” one cackled beneath their helmet. “We understand everything completely.”

“What do you mean?” you try with everything in your power to not let your voice waver and reveal how terrified you truly are, but there was only so much you could do.

“Your power… it calls out to us.” One said.

“So delicious… so tempting.” Said another.

“We have waited so long… so long for something like this… we won’t let you take this opportunity away from us.”

All at once, the group of monsters began to close in on the three of you, their weapons raised and poised ready to attack.

“Stay back!” Adrian shouted again, and with a wave of his arm, his sword came flying into his hand. “I won’t allow you to continue so much as looking at her, you vile beasts!”

“Pathetic,” one of them said, and before you could even react, one of the larger ax knights had knocked Adrian out of the way with a swing of their shield.

“Adrian!” you cried out, and made to go after him, but you were stopped by a lance being pointed at your throat.

“It would be wise for you to follow our orders, lest a more serious fate befell your so-called Prince of Darkness.”

You could hear Aria crying out for Adrian to wake up, begging him to get up and save you, and in that moment, where you could cry, where you could scream, where you could plead for your life… you remained silent.

This… you had seen all of this before, you had felt all of this before… this feeling of hopelessness… this feeling of tragedy…

A loud ringing fills your ears, and everything appears as though its moving in slow motion.

Yes… it’s just as you predicted… You’ve failed to protect to protect the ones you care about from harm. Again. You’re going to lose everything. Again. All because you’re a witch.

The cacophony of laughter from the knights swirls around you like a tempest, and even though you’ve conceded yourself to this fate… there’s that tug.

No… a voice rings out in your head. No more… no more… No. More.

You glare up at the monsters before you, a renewed vigor in your gaze and confidence in your gait. “My life… my life is one that has been filled with one calamity after another. I thought I was doomed, cursed , to never again find even some semblance of happiness,” you chuckled, something that stops the knights in their tracks.

“But then… I met Lisa. I met Adrian. I met Vlad. They’ve helped give my life purpose, they’ve helped me understand that even someone like me deserves a chance at a happy life… at a good life…” your hands balled up into fists and you took a step forward, staring down the knight before you with the coldest look you could invoke.

“I won’t let you take that away from me.”

What happened next… you weren’t exactly sure. The last thing you remember seeing is the silver glint of their weapons being raised, before a bright blue light consumed everything in the room. Your vision had gone white, and by the time your bleary eyes managed to refocus on your surroundings, the only thing left of those monsters, were piles and piles of ash.

“Wh… what?” you gasped, suddenly keeling over as your head pounded from a terrible headache. You groaned out in pain, and tears caused your vision to go blurry again as you looked upon the ashes scattered around the colosseum.

Where did the knights go?

You heard your name being called out, but it sounded so distant, so… fuzzy.

Did I kill all those monsters…?

“What… happened…?” you muttered weakly, as you collapsed onto the floor; Adrian’s bright gold eyes being the last thing you saw before the darkness consumed you.

[amwritingmeta]

A Clarification of my view on Dean’s Psychological Profile

I’m focusing on Dean here, because the narrative is focused on Dean as our protagonist - though yes, absolutely, all of TFW are going through changes at the moment - and I’m going to keep this incredibly brief and borderline superficial (there’s a world of psychology out there and this is basically just scratching the tip of the Dean shaped iceberg, but it’s a significant tip) and pull on these, and hopefully deepen them, whenever I go into deeper deconstruction mode —>

The Alter Ego: the act of creating a second personality in which we feel complete confidence in our abilities, where we can separate ourselves from what we perceive as weak or unacceptable in ourselves, the existence of this second personality enabling us to do so whenever we feel a need to.

Like any superhero who has an alter ego ever in the history of super heroes. Like the shapeshifter from Monster Movie, who didn’t just create one alter ego, but a myriad of alter egos who all had similar traits of conflicted identites.

Dean’s alter ego comes into focus when he steps into his soldier persona, but this is and always will be a double edged sword, because what Dean needs isn’t to shed all of his masculine characteristics - he doesn’t need to let go of this alter ego - he just needs to find the inner balance to utilise this alter ego without fearing the more violent side to him will take over. That the more violent side to him is really one of bloodlust that he’s keeping at bay.

He scared himself in Hell, broke his trust in himself completely, and he’s carried that fear with him, but he needs to understand that he is in control of his own actions - if nothing else in this world - and its his choices now that define him, not the mistakes he’s made in the past.

Masking: we have a tendency to adapt to those around us and put on different masks and feel different levels of comfortable depending on the person we’re with. A mask is not a lie, but it isn’t showing the whole truth either. One’s true identity can be concealed behind a layer of these masks, and a mask can be culturally or socially constructed.

I believe this is what Dean often does with Sam. He has had a tendency to mask certain aspects of himself - like how much and exactly what he reads (holy hell he reads romance novels), his wider taste in music, the types of films he enjoys watching - and to me this is all tied to Dean’s conflicted sense identity and having spent most of this series battling with his fears and allowing them to dictate who he should be, never fully landing in who he is because of all of the insecurities surrounding his true identity. Insecurities that I would say were born in John’s lessons of manhood, survival and avoidance of feelings as distractions and weaknesses, but insecurities in himself that I believe has then been wholly perpetuated by societal norms throughout his life.

Neither Winchester has ever showed any kind of judgement of sexuality. Dean gets self-conscious and understandably so - because he believes and has possibly even experienced societal discrimination and judgement for being queer, and so he’s using techniques to blend in rather than stand out - while Sam just smiles and goes with it. Sam, I believe, would never judge Dean for being bi and, honestly, I don’t think John would’ve either (look at how Mary is and how it’s in text that the John she knew was of course different to the John who raised the boys into hunting) so this is not how they were raised to be.

For me this is important, because I believe Dean’s masking behaviour is all about Dean’s conflicted sense of identity, which feeds Dean’s need for purporting Sam’s idea of the big brother and asserting his authority by sticking to well-known patterns, rather than his masking having to do with masking his sexuality. His insecurities surrounding his attraction to men, to me, has to do with societal judgement, rather than the worry about familial judgement.

Deep down Dean has an idea of what he wants, deep down Dean has a good idea of who he is, too, but he’s gotten very good at leaning against his alter ego in order to avoid exploring these ideas further, especially since Sam can’t challenge that alter ego without knowing the other sides of Dean in full, no matter that Sam is our way into understanding that Dean should open up to communicating honestly and without hesitation. It’s very clever that Dean’s masking stands as an obstacle for Dean to take Sam’s prodding seriously, and, of course, it has also been detrimental (and narratively necessary) in ensuring the codependency has remained intact for so long.

Good thing someone was introduced into the narrative that sees clean through Dean’s act, has little patience for it and, more than that, knows every aspect of Dean inside and out and continously is shown to accept him and want to stay by his side no matter what… *glances to the ceiling*

Suppression: is the conscious act of pushing down an unwanted emotion or impulse - a defense mechanism at the ready whenever it’s needed. For example, we can choose to suppress undue anger, fear or desire if we feel the situation makes these emotions inappropriate.

Suppression is a healthy way of dealing with unwanted emotions in the moment. However, suppression can become a habit that actually gives the suppressed emotions enormous power. If you routinely suppress your emotions this technique only works for so long before the emotions come flooding back - they may go away for the moment they’re unwanted, but it doesn’t mean you’ve dispelled them completely - and an outlet will have to be found.

If the suppressed emotions can be funnelled into healthy coping mechanisms - such as artistic endeavour or even physical labour - then that’s great, but some people don’t have access to those types of outlets and, instead, turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Ah, Dean.

Repression: is the unconscious act of pushing down an unwanted emotion or impulse - a defense mechanism we have no control over and that may even result in blocked or reshaped memories. For example, our mind can repress childhood trauma out of self-preservation without us consciously being aware it’s done so.

Inner Child: True adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving and parenting one's own inner child. For most adults, this never happens. Instead, their inner child has been denied, neglected, disparaged, abandoned or rejected. We are told by society to "grow up," putting childish things aside. To become adults, we've been taught that our inner child--representing our child-like capacity for innocence, wonder, awe, joy, sensitivity and playfulness--must be stifled, quarantined or even killed. The inner child comprises and potentiates these positive qualities. But it also holds our accumulated childhood hurts, traumas, fears and angers. "Grown-ups" are convinced they have successfully outgrown, jettisoned, and left this child--and its emotional baggage--long behind. But this is far from the truth. [x]

I wrote a bit about this in relation to the glorious 13x16.

To my mind, Dean is repressing a lot of the pain John caused him growing up. In S13 Sam even called him out on his behaviour around Jack, telling him that he was starting to sound like John and Dean merely replying with “good”. Dean doesn’t understand the extent of the damage John did to him, and until he can stop idealising this behaviour, until he can stop making excuses and defending John’s inability to show both his sons complete and unconditional love, I believe Dean will struggle with admitting to himself what it is he truly wants for himself.

Here’s the thing - Dean needs to learn how to acknowledge and nurture his inner child - not stifle it, but also not allow it to rule him ie. regress into a turtle shell in a self-indulgent manner if he’s face with a situation he doesn’t know how to or doesn’t want to handle - in order to let go of the past and heal. 

I believe there’s a sincere need for Dean to articulate a forgiveness for John’s choices and mistakes. For Dean to begin truly working on himself - be it in subtext (as it has been ever since 13x01) or actually textualised - he needs to let go of his idealisation of his father’s toxic masculinity traits and admit to himself that all he wanted from his father was unconditional love.

Once he can admit this, I believe he’ll be able to acknowledge his inner child and all that neglect that Dean himself is responsible for within himself, and finally begin to nurture that inner child and open himself up to what he wants for himself, which is what his father made him believe and feel he should never want because feelings are weaknesses, but more than that, the loss of his mother made Dean fear the idea of loving completely, not only because of how it instilled the belief that Good Things Don’t Last (which has been perpetuated throughout his life experiences), but because Dean could see how John’s love for Mary utterly broke him.

In spite of this crippling and wholly repressed fear, it’s what Dean has always longed for more than anything else: lasting love and a home and a family that is able to communicate through trust.

And because of this longing, Dean has suppressed his everyday emotions and his longing for real intimacy for a very long time, engaging in coping mechanisms for emotional outlets of varying kind, dressing himself in the toxic masculinity traits inherited by his father because the soldier in him means strength, assertiveness, determination, getting the job done without hesitation and being brutally merciless because the situation calls for it - his alter ego is an armour that has always made Dean feel safe and in control.

But, of course, the truth is that Dean has never been fully in control. He’s always been ruled by his fears, and until he can face those fears and be honest with himself about what he wants, he narratively shouldn’t be allowed or even be able to fully heal.

Dean finding his way back to his childhood and the home, love, family of that time, essentially undoing the wreckage that Azazel left him with, would also be a lovely emotional bookend for his journey. 

The fact that he’s now stepping into the father role for Jack has traces of all the best lessons for Dean, because for him to open up to an understanding of John the human man who made a helluva lot of mistakes, rather than John the father figure that Dean is protective of and which he emulates to this day, it’s important for Dean to gain perspective, and because of his complicated relationship with Sam of brother/father/mother and the forced parenthood, rather than the chosen, he simply can’t get there based on past experience alone.

Jack speaking the truths that Dean so desperately needs to hear in 13x06 is, honestly, quite remarkable.

Passing: is the ability of a person to be regarded as a member of an identity group or category different from their own, which may include racial identity, ethnicity, caste, social class, sexual orientation, gender, religion, age and/or disability status. Passing may result in privileges, rewards, or an increase in social acceptance, or be used to cope with stigma. Thus, passing may serve as a form of self-preservation or self-protection in instances where expressing one's true or authentic identity may be dangerous. While successful passing may contribute to economic security, safety, and avoidance of stigma, it may take an emotional toll as a result of denial of the authentic self and may lead to depression or self-loathing.

Passing is a common mechanism to use especially when unsure of how you would be received should you come out as anything but straight, or should you reveal you’ve suffered through mental illness or have any form of handicap that might be easier to hide than have out in the open. Passing - and any of its inherent strategies - is employed to avoid societal judgement, discrimination, ostracisation and, in some cases, physical harm.

I feel that passing and masking - along with stepping into his alter ego - are mechanisms that Dean uses when he’s out in public. These mechanisms have become so habitual that many aspects of this behavioural pattern have become part of his only idea of who he is, and because it’s who he’s always believed he should be in order to protect Sam and everyone he loves, whenever feelings related to his true identity stir within him, all the fears that are so deeply rooted make him immediately suppress this true self. 

The root of Dean’s fear of rejection and fear of failure, which is where all his insecurity, self-blame, low self-esteem and conflicted sense of identity originates, is the loss of his mother and the upturning of his entire world, but there’s a flip side to everything, because the root of Dean’s core traits have all grown and flourished thanks to everything he’s been through, thanks to the lessons of John Winchester and thanks to Mary’s choices, not merely because of it.

I want to clarify this, because I’m not saying that his alter ego isn’t also him. We’re dealing with real facets of his actual personality and he is the soldier, he is the fighter, the weapon and the shield, and these traits aren’t meant to go away simply because he begins to heal and reaches a point where he’s able to be himself fully, speaking his truths without hesitation and going for what he truly wants for himself. 

It’s all about striking a balance and getting rid of the internal need Dean has of hiding who he is behind a facade. 

He’s come extremely far.

All those masks and dual natures of episodes 1-11 of last season felt like a continous visual manifestation of Dean beginning to take a closer look at this toxic masculinity armour he’s dressing himself in and hiding behind, the anger and the fear and the control and the lack of trust (in himself even more than in others), and growing aware of the necessity to let it go. The necessity was hammered home in the final scene of 13x20, where he realised that his mode of being was now directly reflecting itself in Sam, who told him that if they die, they’ll do that together too.

This season is digging at the theme of parenthood, at the themes of truth vs. lie, judgement, identity, choice and - I barely even dare believe I’m able to include it in this list - the theme of fear, and it’s digging at them with delightfully sharp tools. I’m very curious to see how deep these tools will actually get to dig. We’ve been on a continous growth streak ever since S11, guys, and the threshholds and cusping of S13 have been pushed to a whole other level in the first five episodes of this season, but… we shall see.

Now I’d like to take a moment and talk to you about unhealthy coping mechanisms and sublimation.

In psychology, sublimation is a mature type of defense mechanism in which socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are transformed into socially acceptable actions or behaviour, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse. [x]

This pretty much means that if you have an urge to grab a gun and go out and shoot someone in the head because they’ve angered you, if you successfully sublimate that urge or impulse you will turn it into a healthy action instead, like going into your woodwork shop and building something useful or beautiful or both.

Now, does Dean Winchester engage in sublimation?

Let’s have a look at coping mechanisms that are labeled as negative: 

Avoidance — ie. not confronting a particular situation out of fear. Hi Dean having such trouble articulating emotions through words. *hard side-eye*

Smoking (hmh - including recreational drug use?)

Compulsive spending (meh)

Drinking too much caffeine — well

Escaping — pretty much running away, you know, like Dean did in 14x03 when he ran the fuck away from Cas. *harder side-eye*

Binge drinking — well

Sleeping all day (meh)

Promiscuity — meaningless sex takes the mind off what the heart truly longs for…

Stop eating/overeat — he doesn’t really care about being healthy; overeating is a stretch, but —>

Emotional eating — like eating pizza in a bed littered with empty take out boxes and snack food

I mean, looking at this list and I think we can say that Dean’s coping mechanisms have never been healthy and definitively are nowhere even in the vicinity of showing him off as a mature adult capable of handling his feelings.

I’m so fucking excited about how far he has been shown to have gotten, though, because 14x05 was head explosive goodness.

However, Dean labeling his behaviour as being linked to a healthy strategy of coping with, say, his anger, is a fallacy, and what’s always made me raise my eyebrows the most at it is the fact that it’s the man himself providing the label.

Dean does not have the emotional maturity - especially in S11 - to label his behaviour, and for him to actually believe his behaviour is a healthy and mature way to handle what life throws at him is worrying, to say the least, because it tells us that he’s kidding himself that there’s no need for him to actually work on himself.

The truth is that Dean has not been engaging in sublimation, but Dean using that label for himself in S11 - the season when the cogs truly started turning in his beginning to mature away from old habits - was a plant for where he should end up.

And boy oh boy is he learning lessons left, right and center.

Once he’s matured into self-actualisation and is centered and balanced in himself, he will be able to sublimate any of the above unhealthy coping mechanisms into behaviour that is healthy and sustainable. I cannot wait for that day!

[wr8tur]

SUPERGIRL RANT TIME 2

CHECK OUT MY FICS ON A03 AND FANFICTION...

wr8tur on A03

tvwr8tur on FF

There’s something that doesn’t make sense with me. If it’s the more the merrier on Daxam, that implies that monogamy wasn’t the mainstream relationship standard.

If that was the case, then why did Mon get so jealous? I would think he’d be more adept in handling these types of situation. Or does that rule only apply to men who want to be with a multitude of women/men? Because I don’t think he asked Kara whether or not she was interested with Mxy. He just assumed that Kara only wanted him and that Kara was his.

Perhaps the writers should have written “On Daxam it’s whatever floats your boat.” rather than “The more the merrier.”

And onward to rant time….

I really feel like I was right during my first rant. Mon is selfish and self-serving and really the only reason he’s masking, because clearly he’s not changing, his true self is because he wants Kara.

He clearly is petulant and narcissistic. He made Jeremiah’s return all about him, disregarded Kara’s requests, and yes he was right but his drive to prove that Jeremiah was working for Cadmus stemmed from the fact that he wanted to show Kara that she was wrong. He wants to prove to Kara that she does need him.

I don’t even really think it makes sense that Mon would be so suspicious, character wise. Unless of course if you count that comment about his dad then that just means he’s practicing transference.

Which basically proves he’s making it about himself since he’s talking about his own daddy issues.

And the way Kara just forgives him after every thing? I mean I know he was right this time but he still went about things the wrong way! God, I thought Supergirl was supposed to be smart but it seems like she’s all muscle and no brain. Why does she constantly forgive him? All because she needs a hug from someone she can’t possibly break?

Dear girl, have some taste!

Carry around some low grade Kryptonite for cases where you need to not worry about crushing someone you want to hold rather than settling for the next indestructible body.

And seriously? Two months is all it took for DEO to let him shadow Supergirl as Kara freaking Danvers? And he’s complaining about that? I mean come on, they knew nothing about him and he didn’t know Earth’s customs so obviously they need to keep an eye and make sure he knows laws and things like that. Still though, two months only? That’s such bull! Everyone but Lena and Snapper knows that Kara is Supergirl like what the hell? Mon wasn’t even trying to be a hero when he came in! Yet Kara let him shadow her at CatCo from the beginning?!?!?!?!

I hope he does betray her because she seriously needs to stop being so trusting, especially when people have done nothing to earn her trust.

Unlike Lena, who saved the alien population of National City!

All Mon El did was land in a freaking pod and come from Daxam and bam, we’re all just supposed to feel sorry for him? They already made us feel like that with Kara and Kal.

And honestly, I’m tired of all these people trying to be Supergirl’s equal.

This show is about Supergirl yet we have Mon-El getting more screen time and character development than Alex and Kara.

He even asked Winn what’s left for him?

How much more self-centered can he be?

I feel like the episode could have gone better if Kara had been the one to notice that Jeremiah was being shifty rather than Mon-El. That way it could have really brought more attention to the sisters and their dynamic. Rather than Alex thinking it’s because Kara wants to stand by her man, Alex could have thought Kara was jealous that she finally has things that Kara wants, a complete family and a loving supportive and understanding partner, maybe even bring up the fact that Kara doesn’t really know Jeremiah since they only spent a year together, and the tension could extend to the next episode rather than “oh Mon-El is no longer a frat boy dudebro and he’s so intuitive” drivel that they’re trying to push.

If they had gone that route and Mon stood by Kara, helped Kara when no one else would, I would have actually grown to respect him.

Also, it’s a perfect opportunity to show, rather than yell, that Kara doesn’t need protection, what she needs is emotional support. Because we are more than a half a season in and Kara still has to yell at everyone and remind them of this.

Another instance of repetitive writing.

KaraMel just really makes me sad. Their whole dynamic just seems to be Mon screwing up and Kara forgiving him and it’s quite tiring to watch Mon and Kara make the same mistake over and over again. I understand why there are those who call this relationship abusive.

It’s extremely offensive to the characters and the audience.

Mon could have had a lot of potential if the writing hadn’t made him so unlikeable. I think what’s missing in his character, the one thing the writers must have forgotten to include, is the ability to support his actions.

Because he’s seen what Kara can do, seen what relationships are like on Earth, learned enough of the customs and behavior to stop comparing and know the differences between Earth and Daxam, yet he still behaves like he’s still on Daxam and acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way. He still demeans and disrespects Kara, often treating her like she doesn’t know the ways of the world when it’s he who doesn’t know how to function outside of Daxam’s apparently harsh environment.

He can’t back up his mistakes by using the “I’m from a different planet card” every time he makes an error anymore because that’s basically what’s been done since the beginning of the season. Now it just feels like he’s choosing to make the wrong move because he knows he’ll be forgiven for it in the end.

And yes, he was right about Jeremiah but he still went about things the wrong way. I know he tried to talk to Kara and she dismissed him. The next move he should have made was gather proof and show it to Kara rather than calling Jeremiah out in front of his entire freaking family. He only went to Winn because he was angry that Kara kicked him out. Which I don’t blame her because come on! She asked you to come to the party in peace, not raise hell.

All brawn and no brain, maybe they do deserve each other after all?

Maybe I would be more likely to forgive him for his mistakes if the writers had given him a quality that makes him stand out, one that isn’t solely tied to wanting to be with Kara. Or it could have worked if he didn’t keep verbally degrading her entire being whenever they have a disagreement.

If you like a girl for who she is, deem her fit enough for you to try and adapt to her likes and dislikes, then why would you debase her character? Does he only like that she’s strong willed with everyone else but when it concerns him she’s supposed to be some meek and docile lamb? Or is he seeking to shape Kara into a woman worthy of his affections?

We all love rebellious badasses but Mon isn’t that guy.

Alex is a badass, Maggie a super sleuth, Winn an adorkable guy, James was the ideal man before he became Batman wannabe, J’onn the brooding tragic type, Kara the hopeful heroine, Lena the determined dark horse.

I say Lena’s a dark horse because all we really knew about her in the beginning was that she’s a Luthor and she’s the underdog because yes she’s a billionaire CEO but people are out to topple her regime at L Corp, plus there’s the whole will she succeed even though she may or may not be evil thing, hence dark horse.

I think maybe he could have been the reluctant hero, but then they fudged that up once they gave him the drive to want to bone Kara.

Like I said, if they had shelved the romance with Kara until later in the series, possibly half way through next season, then he’d be the reluctant hero because his motivation to change would have been altruistic.

Perhaps they intend to make him the antihero, seeing as his desire to be a hero is because he wants to be with Kara.

If that’s the intention then I reiterate my point that they should have written him as a badass take no prisoners kind of guy rather than a whiny arrogant douche who constantly needs to apologize when he’s wrong in order to be forgiven.

Antiheroes work because most don’t need to apologize let alone explain themselves. They’re unapologetic and often have a compelling background story that makes us sympathize and care about them. I don’t know about everyone else, but I cannot sympathize with Mon because I feel like he knows enough, has been educated enough, to learn from his mistakes so he will not commit them again.

Yet he still doesn’t listen to Kara, putting his needs and desires before hers.

Antiheroes are supposed to have at least one redeeming quality but Mon doesn’t seem to have that.

I can’t say he means well because all he really means is to prove himself be the better individual. There were instances in the beginning that made it seem like he could be the reluctant hero, him punching that guy at Lena’s gala. But that’s all overshadowed by the fact that he wants Kara. Also it doesn’t work because we know he isn’t an admirable character, reiterating my point that he doesn’t have the strength to back up his actions and his beliefs. The audience is just supposed to excuse his behavior because he’s new to the planet.

But like I said, he’s been on Earth for more than six months, you’d think he’d know by now to listen to Kara?

And also, there are apparently those that believe their relationship is a realistic portrayal of how imperfect couples fight yet manage to forgive one another at the end of the day.

It doesn’t translate like that because he attacks Kara out of petulance and a need to be right and superior. Their arguments happen mostly because he doesn’t have faith in Kara or trust in Kara’s abilities. He thinks he’s right, forces the issue because he feels Kara should agree with him, debases Kara when she does not.

None of their arguments stem from a romantic standpoint! They are all about Mon-El and his desire to claim, overpower, and subjugate Kara.

Maybe that’s just how they love someone on Daxam but it’s clear that isn’t the love that Kara wants or deserves and I can’t care about him when he keeps trying to shove his antiquated ideologies down Kara’s and the audience’s throat.

There’s nothing wrong with having beliefs as long as you don’t impose them on others.

Jeez…

I know SuperCorp won’t ever happen but at least give Kara someone who deserves her, not some entitled brat.

Give Kara someone who will stand by her, occasionally question her beliefs and capabilities, but never disregards her desires and cheapens her entire character just because they wish to put themselves first.

And I read somewhere that this season, fans seem to be focusing on relationships too much and it’s created a divide. There are Karamel shippers, Sanvers shippers, and Supercorp shippers but no one’s shipping Supergirl anymore.

But if you really think about it, Kara no longer has a divide between her and Supergirl because practically everyone knows who she is. Besides there’s never been a clear separation between their identities because she’s the same hopeful trusting kindhearted and just figure as Kara as she is when she’s Supergirl. Perhaps the only real difference is the slight confidence boost.

So by Kara choosing to be in a relationship with Mon she’s making the choice for Supergirl as well. Especially since they work together.

I feel like Kara’s relationship and Supergirl’s relationship is not entirely separate from one another and that makes me even more upset. For me, the reason why I’m so invested with each of the relationships is because I’m searching for proper representation and character arcs for everyone on the show.

There are so many who could look up to Supergirl but instead they’re forced to see a grown woman acting like a prepubescent teenager.

And I understand that love can totally blindside someone, render them stupid really. But in what’s supposed to be a groundbreaking show about female empowerment do we really need to see or heroine be with someone who wants to change her? Someone who’s so quick to fault her? Someone who treats her like she’s incapable of taking care of herself? Someone who doesn’t instantly accept her? Someone she has to fight for approval?

This constant dynamic is really shameful for Kara/Supergirl’s character. It makes it seem like their entire relationship is based on the fact that they’re both trying to change each other, which isn’t healthy for either of them.

Kara seems like she’s staying because she thinks he can be better as opposed to being with him because of who he is now.

Which reinforces the belief that she only likes what he could be and that she’s putting up with all of it because she believes he will eventually turn into the man who can stand by her side. I say that’s so backward and merely enforces negative beliefs that if you wait long enough the frog will turn into the prince/princess because it’s promoting that type of mentality for young impressionable minds that watch the show.

Already I’ve seen so many people make excuses for Mon and it just reminds me of real relationships I’ve encountered where women/men lie to themselves about their partner, convince themselves that they only have to wait, that he/she will change. That they will appreciate them more. That they won’t do it again. Those are the words I’ve heard, not just on television, but in actual reality and seeing Supergirl and Kara think and feel in the same manner just breaks my heart. That’s what I mean about proper representation.

Feel free to respond and offer counterpoints. I love a good and healthy debate.

BTW….

NOOOO!!! I just found out Lena’s old flame is a dude! I’m going to cry. I love the guy in IZombie but Lena’s straight?! I feel like they’re just doing this to get people to shut up about SuperCorp. Why is there such a desire to include romance in this show?

At this point James is the only one who doesn’t have a love interest… or does he because he’s in love with being the Guardian?

RANT DONE!