#my socially anxious ass did NOT have the energy for it and I went home and slept

[hershey-the-confused]

I've been trying to be social past few days by going to stuff and no it did NOT help instead i drained all my energy and had to sleep it off .

[madame-fear]

So yesterday I did some working out because usually what I did to lose weight before was like walk for hours and drink water but since I wanted to get more in shape I said: okay imma work out

WORST DECISION IVE EVER MADE I CANT SIT NOW

I swear I have such a pain in my legs I can’t fucking mOOOOVE and I wanted to do more today but I knew if I bent my knees I wasn’t getting up 💀

And bro my university changed my timetable my first year I was going from 8:30 to 11:30

Now I’m going from 11:30 to 14:30

And I have two hours to get there and two hours to get back home

Bye social life (I didn’t really have one I don’t have friends to go out with but BRUH I will have to spend my fucking day out there 4h in buses and 3 at uni, I can’t)

- 🔎

NOOOOOOO nonnie ik the feeling, i remember when i started working out and my legs were stiff as hell holy shit- 💀

Did you get like an app or something to start slow? Because when doing workout you have to be REALLY careful. Well you did start slow i guess because you only walked for a few hours and drank water, right? Just that? Because i think the best to do if you haven’t worked out in a long while is just to set like small goals (e.x: walk X amount of kilometers/X amount of hours) to get the body used to it, otherwise every inch of your limbs, and even your ass will hurt HAHAH

And if you’re going to start running or something to work out i suggest you also schedule yourself properly for that and start a program or an app or something. Back in 2020 when i was 24/7 anxious for some personal issues i needed to release all that energy and stress i had a threadmill that i used EVERY DAY, but i never used the proper posture to run neither i had proper equipment (like running shoes as silly as it sounds) and now, if my herniated disc isn’t something caused by my bad posture (or other possible things) it’s because of all the time i didn’t properly exercise SO BE REALLY CAREFUL BC WORKING OUT IS EITHER YOUR BEST FRIEND OR YOUR WORST ENEMY AHDHFJFK 💀💀

I hope you’re feeling better sweetheart AJDKFKGGLD and oh my god, good luck tomorrow on your University, please tell me tomorrow how your day went i love being there for anyone to ramble jaljdlf 😭😭<33

[readyforthegarden]

Bubblegum - Part Eleven

Masterlist

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Female OC

Warnings: Arguments, relationship talks.

Synopsis: When Eden signed her recording contract to become a pop superstar, she hadn't realized she wasn't just signing her creative freedoms away, she was signing much more. Her control over social media, her diet, and even her relationships. When she gets contracted into a relationship with some wannabe rockstar name Jake Kiszka, will she finally find her freedom?

🎶 🎶 🎶

“We need to have some discussions.” Bryan said. “And we’re having them now.” Eden stepped aside, allowing Bryan into her home. He stormed past her, and began pacing the foyer. 

“I’ve let a lot slide over the years, Eden.” he shook his head. “We’re not even going to talk about the fact I had to learn you went to a tattoo parlor from another source. I stuck my neck out for you to get you signed, and how do you repay me? You belittle two of the best songwriters money can hire and embarrass them. And embarrass me. You represent not just yourself and your brand, you represent me, the label, and everyone there.”

“I’m not sorry.” Eden shrugged, moving past him and to the kitchen. Truth be told, she was anxious from his angry energy, and was fixing to get a glass of water or something to occupy her hands. 

“You should be, you little brat!” Bryan followed her, hot on her heels. “I’ve worked my ass off for you since the day we signed you. I fought for you, they never wanted to even consider you until I fought for you!”

“Fought for what?!” Eden spun around, seeing red as she looked at Bryan. “To change me into something I’m not? I came to you with my own songs, my own mind and my own voice! And bit by bit you stripped that away, and made me into this machine regurgitating music I don’t believe in!”

“I made you famous.” Bryan argued, slamming his fist on the counter, making Eden jump. “I took a midwestern hack from Hicksville USA and made her a world famous pop star. If I hadn’t done what I did, you’d be back home with your tail between your legs working at the local bar.”

“That may be,” Eden grit her teeth. “But at least I’d still be me. I’d rather be a nobody playing an open mic than what you’ve made me.” Bryan stared at her, watching her face get red from anger. Suddenly, it clicked for him, and he smirked. 

“Is this Jake’s influence?” he asked, a snarky tone in his voice. “You’ve become friends, then? Has he gotten in your head and told you that you can be anything you want?”

“He’s been more supportive of me in the past few months than you have ever been.” Eden snipped,  finally reaching up to the cupboard and grabbing a glass. 

“Just because his rock star dreams came true his way doesn’t mean yours will.” Bryan crossed his arms, leaning against the refrigerator as Eden opened the other door, grabbing her water pitcher. “I snap my fingers, and you’re left with nothing. This house, your car, the designer clothes and jewelry, everything you have will be taken away.”

“Then take it.” Eden finally shouted, slamming the glass down on the counter so hard it broke, shattering around her. She ignored the stinging in her palm, and stepped forward, crunching the glass under her feet. “Take it, and leave me alone.”

“We take Jake, too.” Eden faltered in her dominance, her eyes widening slightly. She had hoped Bryan didn’t see it, but the devilish smile the spread across his face and she knew he had her right where he wanted her. “He’s contractually obligated to date you. We take that contract away, there’s no more reason for him to be around.”

“We on our own terms now.” Eden admitted. “We don’t need your contracts.”

“Oh, but you’re wrong, Eden.” Bryan wagged a finger in her face. “See, the label that houses Greta Van Fleet is a subsidiary of us. If I think Jake is causing trouble with my biggest money maker, you, I snap my fingers and they’re dropped. Back to Nashville and trying to find a label to work with them again. Which, with my connections in the industry, will be incredibly difficult.” Bryan moved around the counter, going to the few lilies that were left from Sam’s apology bouquet at the lake and plucking one from the skinny vase. “Do you think your honey will really want to stay with the woman who destroyed his career?” Bryan watched as the wheels turned in your head. 

“You can’t do that to him. To them.” she whispered. Bryan rolled his eyes. 

“I can and I will, if it’s what it will take to get you to act right and do your fucking job.” Bryan sneered. “One phone call, and everything, and I mean everything is over. Got it?” Eden bit her tongue, nodding quietly. “Good. Now, we can move on to the good news. You’ve been invited to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards! Isn’t that great?!” his 180 flip from domineering boss to excitable manager made Eden feel sea sick, and she moved around him, grabbing a broom and beginning to sweep up the broken glass. 

“That is great.” she swallowed, bending down and gathering the shards in the dustpan.

“It’s next Friday, so from tomorrow morning, 7am, you’re booked solid until you walk off that tacky ass stage. You’re going to wake up, come to the studio to record the track, and then go to the studio for dance rehearsal. Break for lunch, come back, more dance rehearsal with the extras this time, and then dinner break. Once that’s done, you’re to come straight back here, and rest.”

“Okay.” Eden nodded. Bryan came around the counter, grasping Eden’s shoulders and holding her in place to face him.

“And your relationship with Jake? That’s over.” Bryan said firmly. “Real and fake. It’s done. Am I clear?” Eden felt her nose start to burn from holding back tears.

“Yes, Bryan.” he patted her shoulders and turned, making his exit. He called over his shoulder as he reached the front door.

“Get used to staying in with that flea bag again.” and with that, Bryan left. Eden took a few moments to get the courage to move, finally pouring the broken glass into the garbage and dropping everything, grabbing her phone and pulling up Jake’s text thread.

‘I’m not feeling very well, I think I’m going to stay in with Elton tonight and have a cuddle sesh.’

‘Aw babe, do you want me to come over? I can bring soup and a movie. I’ve heard that cuddling with me can make everything better.’ Eden let out a small sob at his quick reply, knowing that that was exactly what she wanted. But his career was on the line now, and she couldn’t risk all of the work he and his brothers have put in just to be able to see him again. 

‘I don’t want to risk you getting sick if I’m coming down with something.’

‘Okay, let me know if I can do anything to make you feel better, okay?’

‘Kay’

Eden locked her phone screen and let herself finally cry. For the first time since she came to Los Angeles, she felt like herself when she was with Jake. While their meeting was completely inorganic, everything that grew between them had been, and he made her feel safe, and not only that, but wanted for who she truly was. Not what she could get him or what lists she could get his name on. 

And his brothers, god his brothers took her in like family. The only family she’d had since she left what little home she had. Josh was the older brother she’d always wanted, taking her under his wing and giving her advice about anything and everything, especially when it wasn’t asked for. Sam was her kindred spirit, goofy and funny, but always serious when he needed to be. Oh could he push her buttons, but she could push his right back. And Danny, the quiet eye of the storm. He could get loud and revel like the rest of them, but even when rowdy, there was a peace to Danny that Eden enjoyed. At the mountain cabin, they’d shared many early morning coffees together, talking quietly or not at all as they watched the sun rise.

And now, all that was gone. There was no way she could maintain a friendship with them and ghost their brother. Either way she turned the coin, the face was the same; she could continue to see Jake, get found out, and all of them lose their hard earned careers and they hate her, or she could ghost them all and avoid them, and they hate her.

“Elton,” she looked at her cat, her only true companion in her world. “Should we run away? Should we pack up our bags and move to Europe? Start a new life there?” Elton merely meowed before walking away. “Yeah, you’re right. I’d never fit in there.” she got up, going up to her room and flopping face first on the bed, groaning as she’d forgotten her fresh tattoo. 

🎶 🎶 🎶

Exhaustion was all Eden knew by the following Wednesday. Waking up at five in the morning to shower and brush her teeth, pack a gym bag with workout clothes, head to the studio for recording for near three hours, eat a quick, provided breakfast of pre workout drink and a granola bar before going to a rehearsal space and learning choreography and repeating it for five hours, starting over from the top every time she missed a step or moved “wrong”. Then from there to her home, where Bryan had made sure a personal chef was preparing a light dinner before she bathed, brushed her teeth and collapsed into bed. She barely had energy for the care of her tattoo, but made sure to keep up with it before finally crawling into bed and passing out.

Her dreams were horrible now. Always something to do with Jake, and him being angry with her. Which, at this point, he had every right to be. Eden had been ignoring his texts, calls, emails and facetimes. She’d only answered Sam once, when he’d asked if she was still alive, with one word. 

‘Barely.’

She figured Natalie or Bryan would’ve broken the news to him that they were over, she’d already seen articles online about their split. But still, he continued to try contacting her. Even Josh and Danny had reached out on his behalf, but she simply muted them. She couldn’t bring herself to block them, any of them, but she knew if she answered any of them, it’d open the rabbit hole. It was just easier to cut the cord here and now. As she laid in bed, she listened to the rain down pouring outside. As lightening lit up her bedroom, she closed her eyes, counting the seconds until the thunder cracked.

There was a banging at her front door, and Eden opened her heavy eyes, groaning. Her body was screaming at her to lay down and rest as she got up and the banging continued. Bumbling down the stairs she hurried to the front door, swinging it open and seeing Jake, his eyes bleary and narrowed, lips set in a thin line. He was drenched from the rain, his half unbuttoned shirt exposing his glistening chest. His damp hair was scraggly, almost like the day they met him. He was absolutely breathtaking.

“You won’t answer my calls, texts,” he began. “You’re freezing me out. My brothers too. There’s all this shit out there that we’re broken up. What the fuck is going on?”

“Jake,” Eden sighed, trying to think of what to say. “I’m exhausted, can we do this some other time?” she went to close the door, but he slammed his open palm against it, stopping her and pushing it open, walking in. 

“No.” Jake shook his head, his boots squeaking on the marble beneath them. “I think I deserve some sort of explanation. No matter how shitty it is.” Eden closed her front door and wrapped her arms around herself. Jake was staring her down expectantly, hands on his hips. 

“Do you want something to drink?” Eden asked quietly. Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“Don’t change the subject, Eden.” Jake shot her a look. “What could be so bad that you stop talking to all of us? To me?” Eden bit her lip, mad at how easily she cried. “What did you do?”

“Nothing!” she cried. “I didn’t do anything! And that’s the problem.” the tears were flowing freely now. “Bryan came over that day I said I was sick, okay? He-he threatened my career and yours if I didn’t behave and follow my contract. Said that he would make sure your label drops you and that with his connections, you’d be lucky to find any other label that would take you.”

“Eden…”

“I should have told you, but I knew you’d have tried to find a way for us to still be together, and if we were caught…” Eden’s voice caught in her throat. “I won’t be the reason your dream dies, Jake. It was just easier to ghost you all and make you hate me.” Jake was quiet for a few moments as he processed what she just told him. “Bryan’s been working me like a dog this week, I’m so tired. But I have to perform at the VMA’s on Friday night.”

“You look like you’ve lost some weight.” Jake muttered, shaking his head. He stepped over to Eden, taking her arms and unwrapping them from her body. “It’s only been a week. Come on.” he took her hand and led her to the kitchen. He let go and began going through her cupboards, finding a jar of peanut butter, and grabbing a jar of grape jelly and a small tub of butter from the fridge. He opened her bread box and grimaced at the low carb bread she was made to eat. 

Eden watched as he pulled a pan out of the cupboard and moved to her stove, turning it on and grabbing a knife and beginning to assemble his concoction. 

“Jake,”

“I’m thinking.” was all he replied as he placed the sandwich into the hot pan, grilling it. Eden watched him silently, a lump in her throat as he flipped it, listening to the butter sizzle. When he was done, he turned off the burner, plating the sandwich and cutting it half, triangle style. Before he set the plate in front of her, he went to the fridge again, pulling out the carton of almond milk and pouring her a glass, before setting them in front of her. “Eat, please.”

Eden picked up the sandwich, taking a bite. While it was delicious, it weighed heavy on her tongue, and was hard to swallow while she waited for Jake’s thoughts on the whole matter. He was staring out the window at the storm, watching the tree in your backyard shake and shift in the wind gusts.

“I don’t care.” Jake said quietly, so quiet you thought it was your imagination. His eyes moved to yours, a look of fiery determination in them. “I’ve had my dream. I’ve lived the rockstar life I always wanted.”

“You can’t-“

“I can.” Jake nodded. “Josh has been talking a lot about his film ideas, Sam’s got a thousand projects he wants to start. Danny would be a crazy amazing producer. And I’ve got you.”

“But that’s just it, Jake.” Eden shook her head. “What if you give all that up and they still find a way to keep us apart? What if they don’t and we grow apart? Then what? I’ll be the dumb pop star you ruined your life for.”

“It’s not ruined if it’s for love.” Jake smiled softly, reaching across the counter and taking your hand. “I want this, I want us. And I’ll fight for us if you will too.” Eden’s eyes focused on the callused thumb that was swiping across the back of her hand.

“I want it too.” Eden whispered behind a soft sob, the tears flowing down her face. “I want it so badly.” Jake came around the island, taking her face in his hands and pulling her in for a kiss. Her hands gripped the front of his shirt, wanting to take in as much of him as she could, having missed him so much over the past week.

“I love you.” Jake breathed as he pulled away. Eden couldn’t help the grin that spread across her tear-streaked face. “We’re gonna figure this out, okay?”

“I knew you’d say something like that.” Eden laughed, her throat still thick from crying. 

“What can I say? I’m incredibly dependable.” Jake chuckled, kissing her one more time. “Finish your sandwich, then we’re going to go to bed.”

“You’re gonna stay the night?” Eden’s eyes were wide. Jake smiled as he went to the stove, taking the dirty and placing it in the sink, beginning to wash it while Eden took another bite of her sandwich, this time much hungrier than before.

“Of course.” he said over the sound of the water and scrubbing. Eden happily devoured her sandwich, gulping down the almond milk to wash it down. It was the fullest she’d felt in a few days, and she was so thankful for Jake and his culinary skills.

As they got settled her room, Jake going to her bathroom and grabbing a towel, drying his body after stripping down his damp clothing and finding a pair of boxer-briefs he’d left there before, laundered and waiting for him in a drawer. He turned on her TV, scrolling through the movie options, and settling on an old black and white gangster movie. Eden snuggled up into his side, holding him tightly at first, then loosening her grip as she fell asleep.

“Jake?” her soft voice called, heavy with sleep.

“Yeah baby?”

“I love you too.”

Taglist: @trafficwasabitch, @obetrolncocktails, @streamsofstardust, @sammiejane22, @myownparadise96, @gretavanbitches, @mamavanheat, @lunaindigoraven, @shutupdevvie @jakewhorecore @josiee-gvf @shesawomaninadream @writingcold @spicedandicedtea @niallsboxx @baguettejuliette @lallisonl @josh-iamyour-mama @gretavanflowerpower

[uwuwriting]

Tsukishima and Ushijima  falling for their childhood friend.

Request: Hi I saw that your requests are open so I dropped by. Um for Haikyuu boys Tsukki and Ushifalling in love with their childhood best friend?? Thank you and YAY you’re growinggg!!!!- anonymous. 

You have chosen the best trope ever anon!! Way to go!! I love this scenario and wish it would happen to me like legit. Small sidetrack, if anyone is willing to hear me rant about the last of us part 2 plz don’t hesitate to message me, no one understands my suffering. Love yaa. 💖💖💖

rules

warnings: fluff and maybe some angst

Tsukishima Kei

-You moved next to the Tsukishimas when you were 6. 

-You weren’t the most social bean at that age so your mom had t give you a slight push to make friends.

-That’s why she would always invite people over with kids around your age so you could play. 

-Once you moved things didn’t really change. 

-She invited the Tsukishimas over and you got to know their kids. 

-Akiteru was intimidating to you.

-He was so open and talkative it made you anxious. 

-Kei on the other hand was more calm, always giving you enough space so you could approach him when YOU wanted and he would invite you over to play with his dinosaurs in silence. 

-Like complete silence. 

-His mother always wondered if you two were alive. 

-You were inseparable though. 

-It was the first time in you whole life that you clicked with someone so easily and could actually interact.

-Kei, being the salty bitch that he is, pushed you out of your comfort zone once you began school. 

-He would help you in class with refusing to ask a question for you or he would make you order your own lunch in the school’s cafeteria. 

-You still had trouble talking to other kids though and Tsukki didn’t mind. 

-He was okay with having you stick around and may have been slightly terrified at the idea of losing the only friend he had. 

-He would never admit that though.

-The first time you talked on your own accord to some of your classmates was when you saw three boys mocking another one who was laying on the ground. 

-He was trying to grab his backpack from the taller boy. 

-You looked at Kei and he just continued walking sparring only a glance at the commotion. 

-You couldn’t just let them pick on the boy though. 

-You used to be picked on and Kei would always scare them off and so you puffed out your chest and marched over to the boys.

- “Hey! Leave him alone!!” 

-You were surprised at your own voice but kept your ground as the three boys glared at you.

- “Isn’t that the girl that doesn’t talk?”

- “Yeah I heard she’s mute!!!”

-All of them snickered and pushed the other boy to the ground again. 

-He was looking at you with wide eyes as the bullies made their way to you.  

- “What do you want mute?”

-Your knees started to feel weak as your fear set in and the words you wanted to say caught in your throat. 

-Your mind was screaming at you to call for Tsukki but you couldn’t turn your head around. 

-Every single part of your body was frozen. 

-The bullies kept laughing and making fun of you as you backed away when you back hit something warm but steady.

-Looking up you were met by none other than Kei himself. 

-He told them off with his snarky comments and helped you calm down.

-Then grabbing your hand he started walking not glancing at the other boy. 

-Years passed and now all of you are friends. 

-A dynamic trio.

-Everything was going great.

 -You were all into volleyball, practicing together both in school and out. 

-Kei would no longer take you to his room and play with dinos. 

-You two would go on for hours on end playing volleyball in his back yard, until his brother got home and he would be infatuated by his brother’s practice stories. 

-He really looked up to him. 

-Then the fateful game happened. 

-Kei’s image of his brother was shattered. 

-And so was the boy you met all those years ago. 

-He didn’t particularly push you away he was just more distant. 

-He had raised so many walls to protect himself he had become cold. 

-But you didn’t leave and neither did Yamaguchi. 

-You remained friends all the way to high school. 

-Being part of the volleyball club was a must for the two and you told them that you were there to support them.

-When Kiyoko came to you and Yachi for the manager positions you immediately accepted, excited to spend more time with you boys. 

-During the practice camp in Tokyo, you overheard his argument with Yamaguchi and were disappointed in him. 

-How could he be so cold towards his best friend when all he was trying to do was help? 

-You went to talk to him too but ended up fighting and it was pretty bad. 

-He was angry you would see that more angry than you expected but you thought that it would be different if you talked to him. 

-You had been there for everything after all. 

- “Kei you can trust me, I’ve bee by your side since forever. I know YOU.”

- “You don’t know shit Y/N so why don’t you go back with the others? Aren’t you a manager or something? Do your damn job and leave me alone!”

-You were stunned at that, not believing what had come out of his mouth.

-You obliged though and without another word you left. 

-You two weren’t on speaking terms for weeks. 

-It had gotten to the point that you wouldn’t hang out with the two boys during lunch.

-As time passed you would greet each other but nothing else. 

-That is until the match with Ushijima happened. 

-You were up in the stands with Yachi when Tsukki tried to block the ball.

-He doubled in on himself,clutching his hand and you had never ran faster in your life.

-He was taken out of the court when you reached him and coach Ukai gave you the okay to take him to the back to patch up. 

-You sat in silence in front of him as you wrapped his fingers with the gauze. 

-His head was hanging low and you could see his shoulders tremble as he breathed. 

-When you were done, you placed your palms on each cheek and lifted his head. 

- “You’re going to go out there and you’re going to show him what you are made of. You will show him what Tsukishima Kei is capable off. Okay?”

-He looked at you with wide eyes before nodding and placing his own hand over yours. 

-With a shy smile you went to get up but he pulled you into him, crashing his lips with yours. 

-The kiss was too short for your liking as you were being rushed due to the game but he put all his feeling into it and you reciprocated with as much passion as him. 

- “I missed you, let’s not fight again.” 

- “I’ll consider it after the match, no go kick some ass.” 

-Tsukki’s blocks were three times more accurate than before and then it happened. 

-He blocked Ushijima’s spike successfully.

-The scream he let out shook you to the core and when his eyes scanned the stands, landing on you, you knew how happy he was. 

-Post victory celebrations have never been sweeter. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi

-He met you because of Tendou. 

-Um you were a Tendou yourself after all. 

-When he met Satori he didn’t believe him when he said that he had a twin. 

-He assumed that it was just some of Sato’s weird shit. 

-Satori would go on and on about his twin telling him how cool and smart she was and how he couldn’t wait for her to come and join them in Shiritorizawa. 

-Again Ushiwake didn’t really believe him. 

-That is until one day, a month after school started, he met her. 

-He and Satori were jogging when they heard a high pitched squeal followed by a SATORIIIIIII. 

-Next thing he knew Satori was no longer next to him but laying face first on the ground with another person on top of him. 

- “Y/N- chaaaan you’re suffocating me!!!!!”

-The girl got off him and pulled him to his feet only to crush him in a hug. 

-Ushijima never thought he would meet anyone more hyper than Satori. 

-Well he was wrong. 

-Satori’s sister was a replica of him. 

-Almost the same red hair only hers had some H/C highlights in them while they had different colored eyes, while Sato’s were red Y/N’s were E/C. 

- “Hi, I’m Tendou Y/N! You must be Ushijima, Satori has told me so much about you.”

-After that the three of you became a package. 

-Someone was looking for Tendou? 

-Look for Ushijima he’s with him. 

-Looking for Y/N? 

-Follow the loud noises, it’s probably her brother and she’s with him.

-Trying to find Ushijima? 

-Just track down Y/N he’s with her. 

-Even teachers would follow that strategy. 

-Ushijima was the first who caught feelings even though he didn’t know he caught em.

-It was your last year of middle school and you were sad. 

- “But aren’t you sad that we’re saying goodbye to middle school Ushi-kun????”

- “You can see the middle school building from the high school dorms, Y/N.....”

- “Yeah but still it’s saaaaaad!!!!!”

-You had been whining since you left school grounds for the last volleyball match of the year. 

-Both the male and the female teams were to compete in the same gymnasium so you decided to walk with you boys rather than your team. 

-You were the team’s libero mainly due to your energy and the fact that you were the smallest person in the team. 

- “I know Y/N-chan i’m gonna miss it tooo!!!”

-Ushijima couldn’t always understand what you two were going on about. 

-He guessed it was a twins thing. 

-Weird twin communication or something. 

-But as much as he wanted to make himself shut your whines out, he couldn’t.

-Lifting his hand he placed it on your head and ruffled your hair. 

- “Just imagine the high school dorms. I think the female dorms our closer to ours now.” 

-After the mini heart attack from his previous action, a smile started to form on your face.

-So big and bright that you could compete with Hinata for the title of sunshine. 

-Tendou started laughing and you thought he was laughing at your smile. 

-But no.

-satori was laughing at Ushijima’s blush that grew darker as you giggled at your brother’s antics.

-High school was a blast. 

-You and Satori would always drag Ushijima into your shenanigans and he would always let you. 

-The man is weak for your puppy dog eyes.

-It was now your last year in Shiritorizawa and you were sad again. 

-So sad that you weren’t focused enough during practice. 

-You were called to practice your receives and you were in position.

-You looked so in the moment so ready. 

-But you were far from that. 

-Your mind was again on him.

-Ushijima. 

-You knew that the one thing you would miss most from your school was your best friend. 

-You didn’t really care about your brother because well he was your brother but Ushijima....he was a painful subject. 

-Head in the clouds you didn’t receive the ball correctly and because of the force of the spike you lost your balance spraining your ankle in the process. 

-The coach rushed to you, calling out to the rest of the team to get an ice pack and a bottle of water. 

-She tried to pull you to your feet but your ankle prevented you. 

- “It doesn’t look broken but its a nasty sprain. We need to get you to the nurse’s office.”

-Ushijima and Tendou were making their way to their own gym for practice when they saw the girls running around in a semi panicked state. 

-One of them spotted the two boys and called out to the, telling them what happened *mainly because Tendou was your brother and they felt like he needed to know*.

-Instead of Tendou, Ushijima was the one who reached the gym first and was met with you on the floor a pained expression on your face. 

-Your coach motioned him over and your face lit up for a split second. 

- “Could you take her to the nurse? None of the girls can carry her and she can’t really walk.”

-Without uttering a word he knelt down and picked you up bride style and just left the gym. 

-He told Tendou to wait for him in the gym and that he would be right back. 

-Tendou being cupid himself who had seen one too many romance films, let his best friend take his crush to the nurse thanking the universe for making you so dumb. 

- “I’m sorry for this Ushi-kun I wasn’t paying attention.”

- “I’ve seen that during school hours as well. What’s wrong?”

-You hesitated at that. 

-Should you tell him?

-Should you tell him that you are afraid of missing him?

-That you are afraid of losing him?

-Ushijima’s own thoughts were running wild mainly due to the fact of your close proximity and how he could just dip his head and kiss you.

- “High school is over and and ...”

-Tears ran down your cheeks taking Ushijima by surprise. 

-He didn’t expect you to be this sad about it and before he knew it he was whipping  away your tears.

-He looked at you waiting for the rest of the sentence. 

-Mustering all of your courage you went for it. 

- “I don’t want to lose you...”

- “You’re not going to lose me we will keep in touch, you mean to much to me after all. I can’t just forget you.”

-He smiled at you as more tears  ran down your cheeks and you wrapped your arms around his neck. 

-He tightened his grip around you and buried his face in your hair. 

-There was one thing in both of your brains. 

- “I want to be more than friends.”

-You sealed that with a kiss. 

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @axerrri​ @reinyrei​

[spooky-space-kook]

Muay Thai Classes #8, 9, 10, 11… I'm a little behind!

Okay y'all. I haven't really talked much about my class lately. Mostly because I'm taking a break from most social media (It's... you know. It wears your soul down, y'all. Especially this one.)

So here's the deal. I've gone to four classes since I last updated.

8 was horrible. The absolute worst.

Not because of what anyone else was doing, but because of me. I had my confidence absolutely sucked out of me that day. I literally was a goop brain. I'd had a presentation with a client who essentially talked to me like I was a moron. Not in a mean way, but in that disappointed dad way. It was so frustrating because, well, you can't fight back with clients over that. You can't tell them that they are the ones who don't understand. So you just... take it. You capitulate.

I want to live on that island where people settle their differences by punching each other in the face once a year. I think it'd help.

But I can't so I learn Muay Thai.

So yeah. I went to that class absolutely physically drained because I was so emotionally drained. I realized I shouldn't have gone at all. You need to be present for your partner, and I wasn't that. I was dead weight, and all I had were excuses for it. I feel bad about that even now, weeks later.

8 sucked. 9 was better.

I had to skip two classes for travel, and by the time I got back I felt way better about things. But also, it was like I'd never fucking been to the class before! I told one partner that you'd think I'd never even learned to count with how I was goin'. Pff. Oh well, it went as well as it could and I felt better after. So there's that.

10 was great. It turns out I've basically been kicking wrong the whole time. And the thing is... I find out I've been kicking wrong every time I go to this damn class. But this time it actually clicked! It was awesome! I'm still shit, but I'm more on my game while being shit! I was so excited to really start getting it that I literally practiced at home and almost broke our kitchen table. Whoops!

AND. I MADE A FRIEND. His name is Tyrone. He was very nice to me. I remembered his name, but not his face. He remembered my name because his wife has the same name. Which I think is cheating at the name game because what the heck how dare you use tools to help you remember better :P! (kidding, of course. Kidding.)

Anyway, I made a friend! And I sparred with lots of people and was very proactive!

I did end up being paired with a lady who I've been scared of since I saw her on the first day. And damn I had every right to be. Gal is FAST. Not mean, just very capable and I'm a floppy noodle armed moron who could only do my best. She was pretty nice about it though so that's all I can reasonably ask for… well that and don't knock my ass out.

11 was the most recent. It went well. I was paired up with another very experienced person who told me I was thinking too hard about my kicks and to just go for it. I didn't have the hear to tell him I literally only just learned HOW to think too hard about my kicks so I did my best.

Also when people keep yelling "hit harder" and you're like "OH NO BUT WHAT IF I'M HITTING AS HARD AS I CAN???" that's a rough one.

Anyway he was also very nice and very patient. And taught me how to do a low kick better. I tried showing another new person I was paired up with but it didn't quite work as well coming from me. I don't really have the confidence to explain how to do things like other people do in my same experience range. How do you know??? I still do it wrong every time. Maybe I'm just a dummy. Oh well.

It went great. It's going great. It's hard as fuck. Not the fighting. I mean, yes the fighting. But not really that. Catching on to what's going on around me means paying close attention and being proactive. Proactive is not my nature. Waiting and watching are my nature. Analyzing is my nature. Being present, being forceful, giving direction in this kind of setting? I mean, I can have that energy, but it takes confidence. I don't feel safe or knowledgeable in this space. So stepping forward like that and risking being wrong or corrected is WAY outside a girl's comfort zone, lemme tell you. Way outside.

I was raised that you do it right or not at all. That wasn't really the right way to do things. It continues to fuck me up to this day. (Speaking of: Attachment theory. Did you know people with parents who reject their feelings rather than talking them through them when they're young tend to raise insecure, unsure, anxious children??? Guess who's a living anecdotal case of that little fact?) So yeah. I'm learning to be proactive and just risk being wrong. And letting that be fine.

[idwithoutthesuperego]

DREAM OF ME

CHAPTER 04: Surprises at parties

SUMMARY: m!reader (Y/n) is an incubus, who enrolls into an state university, just outside Beacon Hills, a town that has a quite lively supernatural little community, even if the supernaturals themselves aren’t all aware. There, he meets a shy blonde guy who acts like he is half of himself, and a dark haired one who is loud and can’t keep his mouth shut to save his perfect little ass.

Tags: Teen Wolf AU. m!reader x stiles x isaac. Smut. Fetishes. College. Nsfw. Past mentions of abuse. Physical abuse. Drinking. Drugs. Angst. Fluff.

 Hey, I’m still alive. Just had a LOT of things from uni and work to do these last few weeks. But the new chapter is finally here !

Thanks for all of those who are reading and supporting ^^

The twins are back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You woke up on party day feeling pretty refreshed. How you had missed feeding. It hadn’t been a full thing, since you hadn’t had sex and maxed the twins’ sexual and vital energy before feeding, but still. Maybe Eve wasn’t so wrong after all. But gods forbid she knew that, she probably would make a parade just to boast about it.

Getting up from the bed, you put on a fluffy robe and poured some expensive wine in a nice glass. You couldn’t get drunk, but you could still be dramatic about it and appreciate the taste.

And so began your morning of choosing what clothes you were going to wear to your “all you can suck out of” buffet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stiles was woken up by the sun making his bedroom way too hot, what meant it was already pretty late into the morning. And also by the buzzing of his phone with a text from Scott.

‘Don’t forget you are giving me a ride to the party

Think your crush will be there?

- S’

Before he could panic thinking about what he was going to do when he saw you, he panicked about the situation he had gone to sleep in.

He was butt naked, blankets on the floor, he had visible cum stains all over his abdomen and chest, his computer was beside him on his bed still paused on a very kinky porn video, and his dildo and lube were right beside it.

Thank god he had locked the door; because that was one talk he definitely could not have with the sheriff.

Red as beet, Stiles stashed everything away and scooted to the bathroom to get ready for the day. And if he had to get off in the shower remembering last night’s videos, well, no one was there to judge him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The party began pretty early for your standards, right in the start of the afternoon, but you supposed the people wanted to make use of the heat and the nearby lake as much as possible. So you arrived fashionably late.

Stiles, on the other hand, had a task to complete, so he had arrived exactly on time with Scott, making his best friend look for you, even if he didn’t really know who you were. He had already pestered Scott about helping him choose his best boxers, in case he had to go swimming or ‘more than that’, and a shirt that showed off his “muscles” (there weren’t any really), and pants that made his ass look big and perfect.

Isaac arrived just after Scott and Stiles, but decided to get a drink and be a wallflower. That way people could see he was there, but wouldn’t go out of their way to talk to or bother him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not soon after you arrived, you could already feel the atmosphere, the particular one this kind of events always gave. It was like a small buzz on your skin of having all these people with so much sexual energy pent up, but being too prude and socially reprimanded to do something about it, so they resorted to alcohol and games. But it only made everything more interesting and tasteful.

Gods, how you missed the times when people would just gather around for a banquet and an orgy. It made things so much easier. Nowadays you had to use apps instead of getting an invitation on your door with a time and place.

But no matter, you cracked your knuckles, and let your aura begin to attract unknowing people into your presence.

Stiles soon saw you. He had lost Scott a few minutes ago, so no one to give him emotional support or tips for this. He decided that straightforward was the best strategy. So he got two drinks and marched towards you.

The only problem was, when he got to you and you two were face to face, he had no idea what to say, and you already had a drink in hand. So he stood there, looking at you, frozen in place, trying to come up with something.

When you saw the boy that had bumped marching away not really into your direction with two drinks in hand, you guessed he was just going to walk past over, but then he made a sharp turn and planted himself in front of you, saying nothing. You feel see his anxiety and lust, see how his cute innocent face was slightly red from embarrassment, so you waved your hand and the people near you quickly dispersed.

“Yes?”

“Hi! I was just over there, and thought that maybe you wanted a drink, because it’s a party and everybody wants to drink right? So maybe want to drink with me? But you already have one, and getting drinks from strangers at parties really isn’t so smart. So that’s it, I’m gonna go. Bye!” He rambled. This boy was a mess, a hot anxious mess, but a mess.

“Wait.” You held his arm, making him pause and look at you. “Stiles, right?” Getting a nod from him in response. “You know what? I need a drink…” You said pouring yours to the ground. “…and a cute guy just happens to have offered me one.” You finished, taking one of the cups from his hand.

“Yeah? Cool… Wait, how do you know my name?”

“Yesterday, when you ran into me, the twins said it.”

“Oh, yeah…” Stiles had been so entranced and embarrassed he hadn’t even noticed. “So, Ethan and Aiden are your friends?”

“Them? Not at all, they just offered to show me around, but we didn’t get along so well, so I dished then and went home right after.”

“That’s great!” he said before he could think. “I mean… that you didn’t spend too long with then, with Ethan…” He just blushed and looked at his drink.

“So, are you going to ask for my name too or are you just going to parade that hot look of yours away and make me guess?”

That comment almost made Stiles crush his cup and blush beet red. “Oh my God, sorry! Yes, what’s your name?! I mean, I heard the twins calling you, so I know, but not in creep way?”

“It’s (Y/n), nice to finally meet you.” You took a step closer, smiling.

Both of you spent some more time talking, well most of the time Stiles was rambling, but you thought it was cute. As time went on, and he started to notice you were giving way too clear signs you were into him, he got more comfortable. But the boy had practically invited himself to show you all over town in sort of dates.

-------------------

Nearby, Isaac was getting another beer and trying to avoid the crowd. Not that having 3 or even 10 would have much effect on wolf, but still. He was, however, ever so worried about the time. He couldn’t even enjoy being out, too deep into thought, because he was worried what his father would do if he knew Isaac was spending his day drinking on a college party instead of studying, cleaning the house or something considered useful.

And that’s probably how he got himself into a bad situation. Just as he was getting away from the crowd, the twins noticed him and started following. As soon as they far enough, they really approached Isaac.

Ever since they came into town way back with the alpha pack and were beaten by the Scott – Hale pack groups (Isaac included), they were the only ones left, so they held a pretty big grudge on them. Still, they couldn’t do anything publicly or face the head on. So they resorted to some bullying and pranks over time. Now, the wanted their own pack to rule, enough with all those alphas in one single town.

Ethan was the first to speak up, startling Isaac.

“Hey bro, look who do we have here? I think I smell loneliness and fear. Don’t you?” That only made Aiden smile and Isaac grip his bottle harder.

“What do the two of you want?”

“Oh my, so snarky, I guess Hale really didn’t want a brat as charity work on his pack hmn? Word around is that scarf boy here was kicked to the curb.” By now Isaac’s teeth were gritting and his eyes ready to flash yellow. He was holding himself, because he knew he couldn’t take an alpha, even less two.

“Is that so? Word around town is that not even his own father can stand him presence. That blondie is only good to be a punching bag and cleaning the house.”

That made Isaac’s blood run cold. He lost control of his grip on the bottle, squeezing it too hard. By now he was bawling the glass shards into a fist and could barely feel it. All he could think was ‘how could they know?’, ‘did Derek tell on him?’, ‘did his father brag about doing those things to him?’. Isaac wanted to run away, wanted to punch those two, wanted to do something, but he couldn’t move. What if they told on him? If world got out, what would people think? How would they look at him? It was too much to even imagine, he could feel the fear taking control of his mind.

“Is that so Ethan? If bitch boy is so useless no one wants him around, maybe we should just make everyone a favor and get rid of him? Bet not even dear old dad would miss him. We can just send a maid on his place and the coach won’t know the difference.” Aiden said with a creepy smile, cracking his knuckles and taking a few steps into Isaac’s direction.

“Wait Aiden, I have a better idea.” Stopping his brother with a hand on his shoulder. “Can’t you smell? His fear is so strong he is probably about to pee his pants. There is no need to kill him.” He took came even closer, by now he was at arm’s length from Isaac. “After all, if he is so useful, we could add him to our pack and keep him around. It’ll be good to let off some steam.”

Ethan was pretty sure he and his twin had different definitions of “letting off steam” when talking about this. But he did miss having someone to train (beat up) from time to time. And if this put them one step closer to having a big pack, all the more reason. “Okay.”

Isaac could already see their eyes flashing red, his flashing yellow in response. He was afraid and angry, but if alphas made him submit, there was nothing he could do.

-------------------

After realizing he had, yet again, accidentally and clumsy invited you to date out of the blue, Stiles wanted to crawl into a whole right there and hide until he died. He swore he was blushing so hard he wouldn’t even need a jacket for the chilly night ahead. But you were still there, and even laughing at his stupid jokes, so he also just wanted to lean in and snog your face off like a proper gentleman.

While trying to make not so obvious that he was looking very hard at your eyes, your crotch and you lips, he caught sight of Isaac. Which in itself was weird, the blond had been avoiding him and the pack for a while now, much more at these events. He really liked and cared for Isaac, even if they spent only a few moments together. And he knew Isaac cared for the people of his pack, even if he didn’t voice it to Scott. But one day, he just stopped going to Derek’s and started avoiding everyone. What he saw next sent flags on his head, the twins following Isaac to a desert part of the woods. Something was definitely up

He stopped talking and paying attention to you midsentence, turning to look for Scott. Fishing his phone he even tried to call his friend and send a quick text telling where he was but nothing.

“Hey Stiles, is everything okay? You look a little off.” You could feel it, but couldn’t really tell him.

“Sorry, yeah, I just saw someone I know; I guess they might need a hand. Be right back? I’m really, really sorry. Please be here later? Or I’ll call you? And if you see a brooding dark haired guy with kind eyes called Scott tell him I ran in that direction?” Was all he said, marching into Isaac’s direction. Of course, without giving you his number.

Looking at his big butt in those tight jeans running away, your only response was “For the gods, why do I have to be curious?” And went after that ass.

-------------------

By the time Stiles arrived, things were ready to turn sour. The twins had their eyes flashing against Isaac’s. He was already visibly struggling to keep standing up. So, he did the smartest thing he could think of, he threw his drink on Aiden and ran to Isaac’s side. That gave the blond a breather while the twins took a few steps back at the sudden turn of events.

“What the fuck?! Stiles? What are you doing here?” Aiden spat, looking at his soaked clothes.

“Why do you have to be everywhere? Doesn’t Scott keep you on a leash or something?” The other twin completed.

“And what about the two of you? Don’t you two have someone else to pick on?” Stiles responded half standing in front of Isaac.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but we were just getting to know our new pack mate.”

“Cut the crap. Isaac’s part of Derek’s pack. And if you don’t back down, he will go after you.”

Now it was Aiden who responded with an evil grin. “Didn’t you get the notice? Isaac boy was kicked out. Nobody wants him around anymore. So we are doing him a solid and letting him join us.”

“Is that true Isaac?” Stiles asked the boy crouching besides him. But Isaac couldn’t respond, what was he going to say? Tell the truth why he ran away from Derek’s pack? If he fought back, were the twins going to tell on him, on what his father did to him? Silence was all he could respond with.

Stiles wasn’t buying the twins words, but Isaac wasn’t even looking at him. And if they fought, well, he wouldn’t even be able to run very far to be honest. And run while carrying Isaac was even less of an option.

Aiden started to make his way to the duo, already fed up with Stiles presence. “Now get out of here, unless you want a bite as a farewell gift.”

Just as he was about to grab Stiles arm to yank him out of there, he suddenly felt a chill creep up on his spine. An arm was over his, another on his neck, both keeping him rocked into place, and you talking right beside his ear.

“Now, now, doing that wouldn’t be very nice would it?”

It all happened in an instant for them, one moment you weren’t there and then you were. As soon as Ethan noticed you, his claws came out and was about to dash at your throat. But as soon as his red eyes crossed with you incandescent ones, all he could feel was pain. He could barely move because of it.

Aiden, seeing his twin, tried to free himself, but couldn’t move an inch, your fingers on his neck starting to dig deeper and draw blood. You came close to his ear again and whispered “down boy”, which only made him angrier, before tossing him into a tree.

When you broke eye contact with Ethan and threw Aiden, the first could feel the pain going away, but didn’t move, not understanding what happened. As he got up, the second could feel some of his ribs had cracked on impact. While you made your way to a dumbfounded Stiles Isaac pair. The dark haired boy considered running again, but you had just protected both of them, so you weren’t just going to kill them. Right?

“You two okay?”

“Y-yeah… But how did you? When did you? Why…?” Stiles just darted his eyes from you to the twins, not really understanding everything.

Isaac put a protective arm in front of Stiles who was obviously lost in his own questions. “Who are you?”

“Yeah, who the hell are you?! And what are you?” Aiden followed, feeling his bones heal. You only smiled and turned around.

“Oh, don’t tell me the two of you already forgot? After you so kindly invited me to your room just yesterday?”

The twins stared at each other, but couldn’t remember you at all. So you looked to them and spoke a single word “… remember…” in a voice that sounded like an echo, eyes glowing again. And all of a sudden, some of the memories you had taken from them rushed back in, the kisses, them taking off their clothes, kneeling in front of you in their underwear, laying naked on the bed, posing for pictures. That made the twins loose some balance and get embarrassed at the recollection.

“Now, I and these two are going to leave. I trust you two aren’t going to follow. After all, I took some nice picks yesterday, wouldn’t  want those getting around.” You winked at the twins and extended a hand to Stiles.

Isaac didn’t know what to think of all of this, but Stiles seemed to trust you enough to take your hand. So when you did the same to him, he accepted the help to get up. Both of them following you to your car.

-------------------

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@kinoko-kai

[home-is-where-beels-tiddies-are]

i lost the post i had that gave all of caragan’s info, so i’ll just post it again here. first pic is caragan after they die, because only obey me could drive me to design a character post-death 

i did design the sigils myself. then i added the sin marks from the cards, put that little pact symbol on it, and i took the original symbols from the actual demons and simplified/altered them. because i didn’t think it was a good idea to use the actual symbols. don’t wanna manifest something ya know lmao 

very long info dump under the cut. (info dump is copied from the post i lost) and yeah, caragan is a generic super powerful protagonist. so prepare for cheese 

likes: drawing, reading, gaming, and staying at home. they are drawn to dark things; horror, dark colours, literally most things dark.

home/family: they live alone, but near their parents, and they visit almost daily. they have a cat and three snakes (while caragan is away, the fur and scale babies are taken care of, don’t worry) 

age: 27 yrs old, born Jan 7th 

gender: nonbinary, they/them 

height: 4′10 / 147 cm

occupation: part time job, they also make bits and bobs to sell; art, crochet, etc. they went back to college too (and how they signed up for a certain exchange program; in my headcanon, they signed up for it and expected something mundane) then, after their first visit to the devildom, they start learning about the peace that diavolo proposed in their own time, and volunteer for the human organizations involved 

the design after they die: neither angel or demon, appearance shows physical attributes of both. (i also have a lot of post-death info, but… this is already so much, so i will leave it out) the ref i made is below: (worth noting that before their “fall,” using the term very, very loosely, everything on them that is red was white)

appearence: 

they wear all black with small, brightly coloured accessories 

brightly coloured accessories are normally bracelets, scarves, or pins. socks are also always nauseatingly bright 

casual outside attire: black hoodie, black t shirts, black ripped jeans, and converse 

casual around the house attire: grey sweatpants, obnoxious socks, a tank top, and sometimes a sweater or jacket they’ve stolen from the brothers 

formal attire: usually a suit, but asmo can convince them to wear a dress by finding amazing ones and wearing a dress too 

school uniform: jacket sleeves rolled up, or while in classrooms, off completely. no tie, ever. dress pants, wears black flats instead of dress shoes. during their first year, they kept their hair in a ponytail in class 

always wearing their favourite necklace 

first year piercings:

left ear - bar piercing in top, three normal piercings on bottom

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom 

second visit piercings:

left ear - same

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom, and two new normal piercings on top 

they wear binders to their classes and almost always when they go out for less active shenanigans 

rarely wears a binder in the house of lamentation; the first thing they take off when they get home 

hair is greying on both sides of their head, also some greys on top

always, always has dark circles and bags under their eyes 

brothers + romance: they are absolutely smitten with all of them, and they are very blunt and obvious about it. their favourite, though, is beel. this is kept as plainly obvious as their feelings for the others. since they love all of the brothers, they don’t hide their attraction to anyone. for the most part, it works out. 

pact mark locations:  (see first ref pic) 

lucifer - throat 

mammon - upper back 

leviathan - lower back 

satan - left inner thigh 

asmo - right inner thigh 

beel - right inner wrist 

belphie - left inner wrist 

overall, they’re very shy and awkward, and they like to joke around to cover it up. generally quiet, even around those they’re comfortable with. (they don’t talk a lot unless they’re having a ‘moment’ - a day where they’re hyperactive) they have crippling anxiety and depression, but the medication they take eases it. gets irritable around loud noises/people. they make an attempt in having a decent sleep schedule, but most nights they’re awake for hours longer than they intend to be. sleep schedule is more erratic when in the devildom. (probably belphie’s fault.) 

everything below is uh… like, how they act/react to the other characters.  

lucifer:  they mirror what lucifer offers them; if he’s being soft, they will be soft in turn. if he is upset with them, they will apologize and attempt to do better, and they expect the same if the roles are reversed. stuff like that. they don’t openly flirt with lucifer the same way they do some others, instead they focus on gentle interactions. they kept close to lucifer when they first arrived in the devildom (when mammon ditched them) because they deemed him more trustworthy than anyone else. 

mammon:  when with mammon, every filter caragan has is demolished instantly. given mammon never tried to kill or charm them, they grew to respect him very quickly. they also don’t treat mammon like an idiot; they’ve dealt with that themselves enough. yes, they tell him off for doing things that will very clearly come back to bite him in the ass, but they never target his intelligence because they know he’s smarter than he lets on. they openly flirt with mammon because they like to make him blush. they both get into trouble often, but they have each others’ backs throughout. 

leviathan:  they don’t spend as much time with leviathan, but they do enjoy his company. they usually lock away their info dumping and interests, but not with leviathan. he gets to gush about the things he loves, and they match his energy. he tries to offer the same courtesy. they also like to flirt with leviathan to make him blush, but they don’t do it as heavily or as often because his rejections/self deprecating comments make them feel bad. they are also thankful that they can talk to him about their anxiety and he understands it. they rarely call him “levi.” 

satan:  they also don’t spend as much time with satan, but less so than leviathan. they can’t help but feel stupid when they’re with him, so they don’t socialize with him often. buuut any time he offers to socialize, they don’t turn him down. in fact, caragan gets excited. he’s also where they turn to when they’re struggling with their studies or curious about something demon related. they do attempt to joke around and flirt with him, but it’s like a game of chicken, and caragan always ducks out. fairly quickly, too. 

asmodeus:  caragan adores asmo, but they can’t really place why. they also consider him as much a work of art as he does himself. they are very soft with asmo and they rarely flirt with him in a conventional way. even though they reject most sexual advances, they are as handsy as asmo is. asmo is their official cuddle buddy and they love to shower him in gentle affection. if asmo is in sight, they can often be caught staring. at first, they’re very embarrassed by this, and the brothers poke fun. eventually, though, they’re utterly shameless and just widen their smile if asmo catches them. 

beelzebub:  they love beel more than life itself, and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. at first, they were very avoidant and anxious when it came to beel, but when they started to hang out with him, they found him very easy to be around. the attraction started then, but then became way too strong when beel went into full demon mode over his custard. (mood) they started following him around everywhere. they continued that trend well into the year and the following visit. they’re very affectionate and clingy, sitting his lap and hugging him constantly. they carry around as many snacks as their pockets can hold for beel and beel only. 

belphegor:  they knew from the start that belphie was lying to them in the attic and probably meant them harm, but they never held it against him. they never really held their death against him either. they’re quiet around belphie for the most part, even when they started to like him. they often nap with him (against their better judgement) too. the two of them talk a lot about their ideal “me and you and beel” future. more than is healthy. their conversations outside of that are often filled with snark and a weird tension that caragan doesn’t understand. it usually melts away after a cuddle and a nap, though. 

diavolo:  they instantly liked diavolo. they’re very cautious and anxious around him, but they try to be warm in their interactions with him. they do call him “lord diavolo,” and treat him with due respect. he usually throws them for a loop with most things he does, but they try to keep up and be understanding. they have a strong need to get closer to him, for reasons that they don’t understand or even try to understand. they don’t do much about it either. his demon form causes them to become flustered. very flustered. the not-oblivious brothers tease them for it. they have such a huge crush on him. 

barbatos:  they don’t interact with him that much, or try to interact with him outside of things that are necessary. they have nothing against him, they just don’t feel the need to. they’re very polite to him, as polite as they are to diavolo. while they’re curious about him, they don’t go out of their way to interact with him. there’s really not much there besides mild curiosity. 

solomon:  they think he gives off a copious amount of mischievous vibes and it puts them off. at first. they are kind and polite towards him, and they would consider him a friend. the friendship is essentially that “we have no friends in this class so we will become friends to fill the void. but only in this class. we will never speak to each other outside of this place.” it’s not nearly as specific, but that’s the flavour of friendship they have in the beginning. eventually, he grows on caragan and they end up looking forward to seeing him. they just find him very fun. 

simeon:  they think simeon is beautiful and has been caught staring almost as much as when they stare at asmo. with simeon though, they will never be shameless about their staring. they continue to be embarrassed about it forever. forever. they’re polite and kind to simeon, but they feel he keeps himself closed off from them. during their second visit to the devildom, with the play and all, they become a little scared of simeon. it doesn’t change the way they interact with him, but it does put them off for a bit. and after some overthinking, they end up being more drawn to him. 

luke:  they were very anxious around luke, at first. they don’t like kids, and generally become twice as awkward around them. eventually, they found him adorable. when they speak to him, they will focus on child logic, but they do speak to him the way they would speak to anyone. never patronising. happily helps him with studies if they can, gives him affirmation and reassurances whenever needed, and is protective. they have even been known to stand up to lesser demons when they target luke. (when simeon isn’t around; it’s rare) even though caragan is scared shitless the whole time, they try anyway. seeing as they’re only 4′10, they never make short jokes or anything of the like. when the brothers make short jokes, they shoot disapproving looks and will express disappointment if it drags on too long. 

the end of their life time:  they go on to live for a while, dedicating themselves entirely to diavolo on the human side of things, even becoming a public speaker for it. sharing their experiences n all that. which is something they’d never do for anything else. 

at a certain point though, about 50 yrs old or so, they do stop visiting the demon brothers because they’re getting old. they die shortly after in an accident. brothers don’t find out because caragan was already avoiding them. (though, there is general unease because of the bonds they have with caragan. they know something’s very, very wrong but not what. they fear the worst, and they’re right to.) 

but for all the things they did for “the cause,” they were to be judged in the celestial realm. (and… i see it as… in a horrible, horrible way, the big guy upstairs knew everything that would happen with lilith, and deemed her and her brothers an acceptable loss in exchange for peace. it was all orchestrated. i also think that diavolo knew the plan, for the most part. he has his own reasons for wanting the peace, but he does know what the plan was.) 

but they’re escorted to The Big Guy by simeon and luke (a cute reunion with hugs) and he straight up asks caragan what they want. like they can stay here, go to the devildom, or remain in the human realm. 

in any case, they’ll be given all the attributes needed to thrive in all three realms, but only if they continue in their trying to maintain peace. obviously, caragan is all for continuing. and of course, they choose to make their home with the brothers. god’s all like, “you will retain your angelic status, but you do have to fall to achieve the status of demon. are you sure?” they have to have demon attributes to ensure survival and comfort living among demons, so that’s why. 

and caragan straight up says, without missing a beat, “even heaven is hell without them.” everybody knows who they’re talking about. simeon is torn between “that’s so rude” and “that’s so sweet” and luke is horrified. god just laughs. 

they all talk a bit longer so caragan knows exactly what they’re getting into. they will have a lot of power as both angel and demon, but they have to keep their humanity in exchange for that power. which means, inevitably, their long life will become a curse. no human is built to live for a millennia, so it’ll take a toll on their mind and at the end of it all, they won’t be themselves anymore. 

caragan basically says, “yah, worth it. lezgo.” god hands them paperwork, some explaining what caragan is and why, as well as a peace treaty thing to give to diavolo when they get home. i was thinking it’d be something cheesy like “the treaty of the last fallen angel.” no more fallen angels after caragan, they fell so no one else has to again. idk, symbolism or something. but even the future angel/demon hybrids won’t have to fall. 

cue caragan yeeting themselves from the celestial realm. 

diavolo knows caragan’s about to fall (barbatos n all that) and gathers the brothers to the place it’ll be. caragan is just a ball of blue flames, then a crater, the brothers are baffled. 

falling hurts a shit ton (even without losing wings and all that), so caragan ends up crying, but they cry blood. (for angel reasons. i dunno why i think angels cry blood.) which drips from their face and onto the white fabric of the thing they’re wearing, and then everything white fades into a red, even the white of their eyes. (i want to try very roughly animating that one day.) 

then there’s another heart warming reunion, but also with a shit ton of heart break because not only did caragan die, they also just fell. the brothers are angy.

before the brothers can get all “let’s fight god,” caragan hands diavolo the paperwork, all of which he reads out loud for the brothers. 

uh. roll credits. 

just tidbits:

caragan is an angel of perseverance and a demon of despair. 

they have six wings and six eyes on each wing. 

their halo was a tangible ring of golden light, but when they fell, it became horns. but like… still in a ring shape. still a halo. just different. 

they are barefoot in their angel/demon form because they have talons and also just… hate shoes. 

when all the white turned red, all the gold turned silver. 

they look as they did during their second visit to the devildom when they enter their “afterlife.”  

their human form is also just… them. hoodie, ripped jeans, everything, they’re just themselves. 

[iheartjosiebean]

I did a big thing last week and I haven’t been able to take up space/energy to acknowledge it. Last Tuesday I had a bilateral salpingectomy, or the complete removal of my fallopian tubes. This was done as a means of permanent birth control. I was surprised at the timeline and relative ease of access - I’d thought about it for years but never previously sought it out of fear of resistance. I called for a consult in October, had said consult in November, and scheduled the procedure about 5 weeks out when 10 days out seemed too soon. Things went well enough, there was a bit of a hiccup that was somewhat traumatic for me, but nothing catastropic happened. I’ve been mostly chillin’ at home ever since.  I’m no stranger to anesthesia or surgery, but this go around has been kicking my ass. I am not in much pain anymore, and the bloating from the procedure has gone down a lot now. However, I’ve been dizzy, disoriented, and heavy-headed ever since. It’s like being all the bad parts of drunk and none of the good. I was going to return to work tomorrow but already called off - there’s no way I can navigate that space with any acceptable level of competency yet. I can’t stay awake for a full 8 hours yet and I wouldn’t feel safe driving to attempt a shorter day. I’m surprised by how lonely and unhappy I am. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I regret nothing, and I would do it again even if I knew *this* was what I had to look forward to. But I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to. Not that anyone is upset with me, I’ve got a lot of supportive people in my life, it just feels like the general response would be “okay, that’s enough.” I’ve already talked about it plenty. And people might be supportive but it doesn’t necessarily mean they understand my excitement, joy, or relief.  Hell, I don’t even get to relish in those feelings just yet. It’s hard to feel excited when you feel like trash. It’s hard to be overjoyed, or relieved, when you’re so anxious about when you can get your life back.  I did this in hopes of feeling more like myself. I’ve never questioned being a woman, or wanting to be a woman, but having organs that carried the potential to create new life has always felt like a liability to me. I sought to break free from the dysphoria and having to depend on synthetic hormones from birth control just to maintain the constant, preoccupying terror that I might fall pregnant at any sort of functional level. It’s finally over, it’s done. I’m free to be me now, but I’ve never felt more bound by physical, mental, and social limitations than I do now.

[trailerparkflower]

hello i’m sorry to bother you but i’m in the process of writing my first harringtove fic and i was wondering if you have any tips on writing for Billy or Steve? especially Billy? if not thank you anyways and i love your work!!

hi hello im so sorry im answering only now! u see im not very active lately cuz my health isnt very good lately:( im so happy what u writing ur first harringrove fic u go baby!!! good luck and looots of inspo AND time to write for u hehe. and that's so cute what u asking me who aren't a very cool writer?? like?! wow u sweet thing!

Billy is honestly hard guy to write for me too, because u know he is just FULL of rage and fire and its one of many things i dont rly have in me! but it makes it even more fun to write him. im trying to keep his canon traits in mind when i write him, like:

he is actually very sensitive. he feels a LOT, cries like a crybaby. he is one of that fuckboys who post dumb sad boy memes. Very sensitive, very emotional

he ALWAYS naturally fills all free space to himself, he dominates it. its probably comes from his home life situation where he has to walk on the eggshells, but its still not a forced thing-he does it when he is relaxed, too. It's his natural trait. He is kinda like a big cat, or a lion pride male, he spreads his shoulders, he has a wide posture, he puts his arms on every free surface around him, he plants his feet wide. (and that's why im think he's a big spoon heh)

manipulative, charming, dangerous, good at getting information and good in observing things

literally a peacock. Sometimes reminds me of Johnny Bravo with his ways to flirt ghjkwj. Flexes his muscules, stands in a dramatic pose, pretties up himself with male jewelry, makes bedroom eyes, lowers his voice.......

a rollercoaster of a person-one second he is chill and calm, another second he is ANGRY and u never know what will make him mad and what will make him amused

Gross and nasty boy who isn't very hygienic

he is a secret romantic because that's how Dacre apparently sees him. fuckboy on the streets prince charming on the sheets!

insecure about himself but makes sure what no one will see it

very tactile, with both humans (like how he grabs Max when he's mad, on how is he CONSTANTLY touching-grinding-pushing Steve) and objects (how he plays with his zippo, how he puts hands on his car)

power-thirsty (bAnNED foR LIFE) and dominant person. He enjoys power so much like he is high on it. He is pushy even when he flirts, he is just very aries, u know?

ENERGETIC! he has too much energy!!! YET can be bored to death and really indifferent

mommy issues

im think its also important to remember what Dacre had his favorite headcanon about Billy having a God Complex and this is why Billy carries himself around with such confidence. He is religious, but like...in a strange strange way...

Very strong mentally, strong and brave even when is scared a lot. Stubborn also!

SECRETLY SUPER PROTECTIVE

He loveeees attention. u know he does.

 wow dis went long. i also realized what i dont write much meta on Billy in my blog, considering the fact i always seek hidden stuff for Steve and analyze him a lots. im think its cuz fandom dont rly writes much for Steve so i have to concentrate on him usually!! okay and for Steve, i also have these main traits what helps me to write him:

ANXIOUS! im think he has big anxiety issues, and even social anxiety. panics a lot and yells a lot and sometimes can act paranoid

he is charming. he is cute, and he is pretty in that soft but boyish way and he knows it, and he uses it when he wants to get something. which is kinda manipulative too but like...cute manipulative..

a Brat (big pout is his super attack), dramatic

Funny!!! Loves to joke. Jokes a lot in all of the situations-when he is in danger, when he is flirting, when he tries to comfort someone, he just always tries to be this positive joking guy

he is Bossy, but he also kind of a Pushover (because cmon, all his crushes is girls who can beat his ass and all his best friends-Tommy and Dustin-are a lot more active and pushy and Steve just goes along with it)

Daddy Issues (did u ever thought about how much he says about his dad being a jerk?)

big softie, hates conflicts, hates fights, hates confrontations, the coziest and lovey-dovey moment are the happiest he is. he just wanna hold hands and make love and maybe eat something yummy and call it a good day

yet he can be a really mean bitch, st1 Steve is SO Regina George. King Steve and King Billy is a very different types of popular jocks, because while Billys is an alpha dog aggressive active bully, Steve was more of a queen bee, idk? like its Tommy who was his muscle tank, Steve usually just stayed on the side and pouted/had that mean girl smile

does then thinks 

PROTECTIVE!!!!!!!!! VERY!!!!!!!!!

insecure and self-deprecating. thinks he is dumb:( 

he is playful, kind of immature, kind of lazy. Childish a bit, Joe himself said what Dustin is even more mature than Steve in some ways. and with that also comes some pureness, and even the way he trusts people who gonna let him down is how kids trust to people 

okay so!! i really really hope its gonna help u, even if a little bit! im sure ur writing gonna be really lovely

[nyndelion]

共感 - empathy -

MP100; Serizawa & Reigen centric fanfic

SFW, general audiences, no pairings, AU

Wordcount: 2058

AO3 link

“Reigen-san… Why don’t you relax and take a break for a bit?”

The blonde looked up from his laptop to the man sitting across the room, feeling his facial muscles stiff and tired, especially around his eyes. “You don’t know how much I literally can Not do that right now without my business to collapse before my very eyes, Serizawa” Even as exhausted as he looked – and sounded -, he still conveyed his words dramatically, punctuating every other expression with his usual wild gestures, achieving to make Serizawa’s mouth corners lift slightly. “This is serious business, after that quite problematic case we had this week, I really got to work my ass off so we don’t get sued, and also I am late with taxes, which is the last thing we need after all that” He returned his eyes to his laptop screen. “Doing taxes correctly could be the sole difference between a running, successful business and a sinking one”.

Serizawa stayed silent, but kept looking at his boss. Reigen’s face was being illuminated by the computer screen, adding a creepier and sick looking glow to it, intensifying by the minute as the sun started to set outside, darkening the already closed Spirits & Such office, where the two men kept working on different kinds of paperwork. He looked down to his hands, fidgeting absentmindedly; Serizawa knew he couldn’t really help his boss with what troubled him right now, given he was extremely inexperienced in all this ‘serious intimidating adult stuff’, as he prefers calling it, and suggested Reigen to take a break in the first place as it was the only thing that he came up with after at least 20 minutes of being the only witness to the greatly unpleasant vibes he was letting swarm all around the office.

The truth no one else knew yet is, after his first encounter with Shigeo Kageyama at the stairs of that building in the center of Seasoning City two and a half months ago, Serizawa got a new power off of Shigeo’s display of empathy towards him when he returned the ball of energy that was tossed at him by accident, resulting in Serizawa to be able to sense other people’s most intense emotions, even if they weren’t ESPers themselves. He was able to sense, and even sometimes clearly see how that intense emotional energy spread in the ambient, and how it interacted with the energy of animals, plants, minerals, and other people.

He had to admit that a couple of weeks after gaining this new ability, and after getting used to it and recognizing the similarities in the more usual emotions and the way different people used to release the analogous energy, it was very useful in everyday life. He could prevent himself from interacting with angry strangers that might lash out on him simply because he wanted to know where the soup aisle was in the convenience store, or be more mindful and kind if interacting with someone that was trying really hard not to let out an especially dreadful sad energy. So yeah, for someone that struggled reading new circumstances and that tends to overanalyze everyday social situations to the verge of anxious breakdowns, it was a very useful tool at trying to be more independent and navigate casual human relationships more confidently.

However, these new ‘empathy powers’ could be perplexing in other circumstances, such as interacting with someone every day. And even more perplexing if that someone was, well… Reigen.

Serizawa wasn’t complaining, not at all, but he also couldn’t really lie to himself about this. If social relationships and being able to ‘read the mood’ successfully were a mystery to him back then in grade school, and even more after being a hikikomori for so long, existing around Reigen and being able to sense his many fluctuating, often contradictory and usually intense emotions without enough verbal correlation that served as an explanation or context for such sudden changes made their time together at the office – that is, while not doing any exorcism job- a hell of a ride for him, as a certified anxious overanalyzer he was.

So, even is this has been a rather calm day at the office and he could finally get some school assignments done before going home, at some point of the evening the dreadful energy emanating from the self-proclaimed Greatest Psychic of the 21st Century started to distract him from his task, and also to slightly upset him. He could sense stress, fear, a little bit of anger, and something else there he couldn’t really place, that he didn’t sense before he tried to talk Reigen into taking a break. It was something bittersweet that seemed almost out of place in the mix, but that was surely filtering all the energy and spreading in every direction, circulating viciously as if made out of thick smoke, hovering the plants that Reigen kept there and tried to take care of, slowly infecting their faint pale green auras.

Serizawa decided he needed to do something, even if it was a small gesture. Now Reigen had started to stamp his feet rhythmically, adding more frustration to the emotional soup, in pumps that mixed extremely well with the prevailing anger, enhancing it. He thought he better change his strategy; he had already tried talking to convince Reigen he needed a break, and he had been around long enough to realize insistence didn’t work well with him, given he could easily turn the tables around in any kind of debate. So he stood up and went to the kitchen.

He started by boiling some water, and reaching out to the assorted tea box from the counter cabinet. He then saw the dark brown box that was hidden behind the other, more colorful one, and remembered the time Reigen told him to keep it a secret from the teenagers that used to frequent the office a couple of days every week, since it was his preferred dark chocolate he kept for special occasions, such as when he had an unusual sweet tooth day. Serizawa connected the dots and realized that the ‘sweet tooth days’ were those when Reigen released more of what seemed sad energy all of a sudden, which perplexed Serizawa because he didn’t have almost anything to work out the reasons that could have triggered those sad emotions waves. He could only guess it seemed to be something unpleasant he saw on his computer.

Suddenly, he thought… maybe that out of place emotion he sensed that beamed from Reigen after he told him to go take a break was sadness? No, it was clearly something else, but it was quite similar. Maybe it was a complex emotion that had sadness into its mix.

By now, the water he put in the electric kettle had finished boiling, so he took the box that was hiding at the end of the counter and proceeded to make some chamomile and honey tea for his boss. He realized the chocolate box was halfway eaten already, and doubted if it was ok to bring it to him all of a sudden, without him asking to… But then he sensed another frustrated / anxious / angry / bittersweet unplaced emotion wave reaching him and he knew it was the right thing to do right now. Didn’t Reigen tell him more than once to trust his inner voice more and make decisions by himself in order to learn how to be a fully functional, contributing member to society? Maybe this was a good way to practice.

After taking the tea mug and the chocolate box in his hands, Serizawa stood in the kitchen for some seconds before going out to the main office room, breathing deeply through his nose a couple of times to relax and think about the exact words he was going to say. This was another technique his boss taught him, originally to be used before talking to customers, and he has been using it to any other occasion that seemed to get him nervous, since now that he didn’t have his umbrella he realized he needed all the help he could get to get a hang of how unpredictable and chaotic adult life could be.

Finally, he could gather himself enough to come out of the kitchen and approach Reigen’s desk determinately. He didn’t seem to realize he was heading to his desk until he was handing him the mug and the chocolate box. New –and old- emotions were now pumping from him, adding to the soup… Surprise, confusion, that bittersweet emotion again. No anger though; good to go, then.

“Hey, Reigen-san, I thought I should bring you something to help you, and given I couldn’t really help directly with the task you were working on, I figured that maybe I could help with the relaxing part a bit… I hope that’s ok” He turned his eyes away from Reigen’s, not being able to maintain eye contact for much longer as he realized the other man’s gaze was getting more intense. He sensed the surprise to give itself way further into the atmosphere, tuning down the more intense stressful emotions, but also giving more space to the bittersweet emotion to intensify. It was a little different than before, though…

“Ah, Serizawa! Did you suddenly become a telepath?” Reigen’s tone of voice and teasing attitude was very off tune with what his emotional energy gave off, as usual. Serizawa got stiff after the last part. “Hey, that was a joke! Everyone knows telepathy is a bunch of bullcrap, remember you don’t have to take everything so seriously” Reigen finally took the mug and chocolate box from his employee’s hands, letting out more of that weird bittersweet emotion as he put the chocolate box in his desk and proceeded to open it. Now that Serizawa was getting more familiarized with this emotion, he could sense it was morphing to something… warmer? “Y’know, I guess it’s time for a well-deserved break… Hmm?” He screened rapidly at Serizawa, “You didn’t make some tea for yourself? Aren’t you taking a break too? It won’t contribute to a good break atmosphere if you just keep stressing over your homework” he stated, matter-of-factly.

“Yes, sir!” Serizawa went back to the kitchen and prepared himself some green tea with mint. When he stepped back in the office he could sense how the energy changed drastically, now everything was tinted with a warm kind of drowsiness, an energy that surely was fainter than the last stress emotion soup they were being affected by, but that was effective enough to almost wipe it out completely, only a vague sense of nervousness and that bittersweet morphed feeling fluttering around. Also now there was a calming classical music video Reigen was playing on his computer, while sitting on one of the armchairs, across the coffee table Serizawa was using as a desk. He was sitting with his legs crossed, fully supporting his back in the armchair, while taking one chocolate square from the open chocolate box that now was placed in the middle of the coffee table. It seemed he was taking this break very seriously.

Serizawa sat across Reigen in the other armchair. The later coughed a couple of times before talking in a nonchalant way, as if sharing a random thought “I just remembered, I read the other day a quote from this very successful businesswoman on FriendBook, that it’s important to remember any time you apparently are getting stuck into a problem that seemed unsolvable to not let it fool you, no problem in life is unsolvable. You just need to take a break, do something that helps you clear your mind, and look at it in another perspective. Y’know Serizawa, that could really help you in your studies if you find yourself in a seemingly dead end. Remember this advice next time you feel like you need to take a break, and let me now, ok? I’ll try to do the same”.

“Yes, that seems very reasonable” Serizawa held his mug with both hands, staring down at his tea with a soft smile in his mouth, feeling the much calmer atmosphere that surrounded his boss, and realizing the new warm feeling that emanated from him could be placed as gratitude. His new Reigen-convincing technique was officially a hit.

[curlyshyy]

New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)

I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?

The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.

The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.

He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.

It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.

This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.

[lazy-safetastic-13]

In the Future

@imacutechair

Pairing: Kustard

Words: 1, 272

Red grumbled and muttered under his breath as he glared fiercely at the remote control, before groaning to slump his heavy weight on the couch. He swore there was a crater of his shape with not only how heavy and fat he was, but also because he had been sitting on it for hours.

He swore that if Sans doesn’t come home any minute, he was going to punch him in the face, twice.

And speaking of the devil.

Red looked towards the noise, as if his hearing senses had been amplified and could detect the tiniest movement. His eye lights narrowed at the skeleton he’d been waiting for, finally coming home now.

“Sorry Red!” Sans exclaimed as he hurriedly shut and locked the front door and went towards his spouse.

“You’re late!” As promised, well not really, but he was Red, and he was pregnant, he deserved this! He punched Sans in the face once. A couple of minutes more and Sans would’ve gotten two punches.

And the alpha he was, he took it like a champ. He smiled warmly at his beloved omega right after.

Seeing this, Red huffed, before he let himself be carried into Sans’ arms. Despite the height difference of just one head, Sans had the strength to carry Red off the couch and up the stairs to their shared room. The blearing television in the living room was left behind.

Red had to hand it to Sans for being a caring alpha who can tolerate his shit. Being pregnant had been fine, but with three babybones? Oh hell no. It wasn’t hard to imagine a moody as fuck omega, especially since Red was a crass rufian in comparison to the gentil soft types.

Sans gingerly laid Red down on their bed, going as far as to placed the blanket only up to his spouse’s waist so he could admire the large hard bump Red had.

The first time he heard of the pregnancy from Red, he fainted. But no worries, because his mate slapped him silly after to wake him up. Unfortunately, hearing that they were going to have triplets, Sans rightfully passed out again. But at that time, Red also did the same. The doctor and nurses were really fretting over them. It was hilarious.

And now, Red was carrying them for five months, already so big. From their weekly check-ups, both skeletons were relieved that they were developing nicely and healthily. But it was also concerning at the same time.

Because of it, Red was exhausted almost all the time. The little ones needed lots of his magic in order to develop well, and it also involved having Red eating a fuckton to convert the energy. So all Red could do at best was eat, sleep … That’s it! He could barely lug himself around without feeling like he was carrying a whale. Or maybe he was a whale.

Not only that, there were also their own issues on parenthood that was rightfully settled in a form of a shouting match. And Sans taking a beating from Red.

Stars, with Sans getting abused so much, you’d think their relationship wasn’t healthy at all. But if Sans were to comment, could he just say that Red looked really adorable whenever he gets mad? Then again, he was head over heels in love with Red, so no matter what the omega did, he was perfect in Sans’ eyes.

So again, Sans took the brunt of Red’s ire most of the time. “Who knows if we’ll be good parents, but we’re going to fucking try even if it kills us!”

“But if we’re de—”

“Even if it kills us!”

And that settled the case of being anxious if they’d be great parents or not.

You just can’t argue with that.

So, with only two months left before the little ones will be finally brought out to the world, new concerns arose, and the couple began to discuss.

“Stars, Red. It’s hard to believe that we’re going to be meeting them soon.” Sans gently caress the hard stomach. He glanced at Red, silently asking for permission.

“Go ahead.”

Beaming, Sans pulled up the black baggy shirt his mate wore to see the red translucent flesh. Faintly, he could see three souls glowing within. It made his own soul soar with delight, and the alpha proceeded to continue his strokes as he talked. “We’ve already planned for the names, 3 boys and 3 girls. So we’re ready for either gender.” He met Red’s gaze when he asked. “What do you think they’ll be?”

Red huffed. “If you’re trying that bullshit with ‘Oh, I can sense it’s a girl~’ then you can shove it back up your ass ‘cuz I don’t know.”

Sans snickered, and decidedly changed the topic. “Worth a shot.” And then a thought occurred to make him laugh. “You like mustard, and I like ketchup. Hehe. Can you imagine what condiments our kids will like?”

The idea warmed up Red’s soul as well, and he hummed thoughtfully before answering with a smirk. “Well, the little tykes better like other condiments or else we’ll be having ourselves some condiment wars.”

Sans almost hunched over, just imagining the walls being painted yellow and red with the room filled with the scent of the spice and sweetness. He needed to take a picture if it ever happened. “Now I kind of want to see that.” So Sans began to whisper at Red’s stomach, “Liiiikee keeettchhuuupp~ Liiikee Muusstaardd~”

“Snrk-ppfftt. Sans! Stop that!” Red pushed Sans’ face away, but the grin on his own was filled with mirth. What a dork.

“Face it. You want the war too.”

“Maybe. Who knows.”

Sans snorted, before he began thinking more deeply of the future. Knowing that they were going to have three, it was hard to tell what their biological signatures will be as such a thing can only be known after their children had gone through their first heat.

“We might have 3 alphas, or 3 omegas, or even a ratio of 1 to 2 alpha and omegas. Even vice-versa.” And as an alpha, he was hopelessly worried if any of them were born omegas.

Not to say omegas weren���t treated right, but living as an omega, especially if one went again to social norms like Red, takes a lot of steel to do. It wasn’t called a biological signature for nothing, and most omegas will have a gentle, and almost motherly and docile attitude. Could even be easily taken advantage of! Sans was only a lucky alpha to find an equally strong mate to match him, but what about his kids?

Sensing Sans’ worries, Red huffed. “There is no need to overthink, dumbass. If they’re an alpha, we’re going to teach them right. And if they’re an omega,” his face scrunched up as he snarled. “Hmph. I dare for those stupid fucking alphas to get past me! I’ll beat them to a pump before they even try to lay a hand on my kids.”

Hearing his mate’s words, eased the harrowing turmoil in Sans. He couldn’t help himself from leaning to kiss his partner and gaze at him with adoration and devotion. “You’re right. Was overthinking it. Hehe. They’ll have it coming if any of them try.”

“Duh! If we’re planning to give them away, it’s not going to be easy!”

“Yeah, not in the least.” Not when Red was around. Sans almost felt bad to the future mates of his kids. Almost.

One thing was sure could be taken from all this—the future was certainly be something to look forward to.

[scornedlove]

Chapter Seventeen

Robyn

It was happening again. After almost a year of not having crazy dreams, I was having nightmares again.

This time, I dreamt I was getting married. I was walking down the aisle with happy tears because everything was so beautiful and all my friends and family were there. When my veil was lifted, I was standing in front of Chris. We say our vows and kiss. When we turn and face the crowd, everyone stands up and applauds except for Melanie, who is shaking her head with her arms crossed and a pregnant woman in the front row, who looks too big to stand, even if she wanted to. She’s sitting next to Joyce with her head down and her shoulders are shaking as if she’s crying. I squeeze Chris’ hand tighter to grab his attention and point the woman out to him, but when I look back at her, she’s gone. We walk down the aisle and out of the church to a motorcycle that has just married on the back of it, with ribbon and flowers flowing down the back. We both hop on the motorcycle while everyone’s yelling congratulations and blowing kisses at us. Before pulling off, Chris decides to pop a wheely and I fall off the motorcycle in my big ass, white gown, so I’m standing there yelling at him while he’s still driving. Then, in front of my eyes, a truck crashes into to him, and my eyes pop open. It was a horrible nightmare and I always woke up just as the truck crashes into him.

It was like hearing from Chris resurfaced energy it took me forever to bury. Maybe it was because I unintentionally stood him up. With everything that was going on with Rayven, I had completely forgotten about Chris that entire week. By the time I remembered, it felt foolish to try and apologize a week later, so I didn’t.

Nevertheless, today was the third time I’ve had this dream in the past month and each time I was in bed with Dre, thank God he didn’t wake up this time. It took him a week to stop asking me if I was okay the last time, when he witnessed the night sweats. 

Instead of having breakfast with Dre, like I usually did after crashing at his place, I decided to get up and get an early start on my day. I joined a gym in my neighborhood a few weeks ago and had been coming three days a week since.

It was a nice, comfortable environment and I'd already met a cool chick who was on a strict workout plan, preparing to be a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. She was usually halfway through her session when I got there, but that didn't stop us from having a little friendly competition.

"Good morning Robyn. You're here earlier than usual” she smiled brightly as sweat glistened on her forehead.

“Mornin Katy” I replied, as I shoved my glasses, hat, and phone in a locker.

“I’ve already done my six miles, thanks to that B12 injection I got yesterday" she announced, following me to the floor and sitting on the squat machine next to me. “I’m telling you, that stuff is a game changer, and I’m gonna need all the energy I can get, so I can be nice and tight for that dress.”

"I absolutely hate injections and needles” I frowned at the thought “Well...unless I’m getting a tattoo” 

“I swear people who have the most tattoos are the most pussy when it comes to injections” she laughed shaking her head. “What’s up though? You seem kind of down today?”

“I’m just a little tired” I replied, forcing a smile as I put some ten-pound weights on the bars.

“Oh, our eye candy isn’t here yet. He usually wakes you up, you seem to sweat a little harder on the days he’s here” she teased, referring to one of the trainers.

“Yeah, his smile sure does give me a little picker upper” I grinned, thinking of the last time he was here. He was training some girl who already had a perfect body, probably a model, and it was funny to watch him sweat as she kept bending over directly in front of him, obviously wanting a different kind of workout.

“Speak of the sexy little devil, here he comes now” she nodded towards the entrance.

“How are you ladies today?” he asked with a smile, locking eyes with me as he walked past us. 

“Oh, we’re good now that you’re here” Katy winked and I could see his cheeks turn a little pink as he chuckled softly, but kept it moving.

“You are pitiful, leave that baby alone. I’m sure he gets enough of that from these tiny little 'models' he’s always training. I would be jumping at the chance to have him as a trainer too, if he were a decade older” I laughed. We worked out together for another half hour, people watching and laughing about the ones who were obviously here just to post it on social media.

After Katy left, I jogged three miles of my own, then hit the showers. I always felt ten times better after my workout, it put me in a singing mood. Today’s jam was ‘Girl on Fire’ by Alicia Keys.

“You have a beautiful voice” someone pointed out, scaring the shit outta me while I was digging for lotion in my locker. I thought I was the only one in the locker room.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” he grinned at how hard I jumped.

“Boy, do you know I could’ve slapped the shit outta you” I replied, clutching my chest.

“Who’s to say I wouldn’t have enjoyed it?” he asked raising his eyebrow.

“Don’t do that” I ordered, pulling the rest of my things from my locker.

“What?” he asked confused.

“Don’t flirt with me. I’m old enough to be your mama, or at least ya damn auntie” I replied, and he burst into laughter.

“You’re hella gorgeous and funny. I like that”

“Thank you” I smiled as our eyes connected.

"That was a nice workout you did today, but when you're ready for the real deal, let Quincy know” he stated, patting his chest. “I can help you on your form" He licked his lips, then proceeded to undress me with his eyes, and that was my cue to leave.

“Enjoy the rest of your day Quincy, and try not to scare the shit outta anyone else” I called over my shoulder.

After the gym, I had a doctor’s appointment to rush to. I was beyond nervous because I was here for lab results. I came a few days ago for a routine pap smear, but ended up getting a lot of other testing done too. I was wondering if it was possible for me to get pregnant again, even though I wasn't planning on it anytime soon. It’s just something that’s been heavy on my heart, so I wanted answers.

My palms were sweaty and my stomach churned as I waited for the doctor to come in. I just felt bad news coming and it made me anxious.

"Hey Mrs. Fenty, how are you doing today?

"Nervous"

"Well I have the answers to your questions right here" he stated, flipping through a stack of papers.

He went over my lab results and hysteroscopy with me and broke everything down to simpler terms.

"So overall, you're healthy. Your uterus did sustain a lot of scar tissue from the previous injury, which dramatically lowers your chances of being able to carry a baby again"

"what does that mean?"

"you will probably have no problem getting pregnant, but it's not very likely you'll ever make it past the first trimester again. If you and your husband are considering kids, it may be better to use a surrogate"

"Oh no, I just wanted to know. I'm not married and I'm not trying to get pregnant, I just wanted to know where I stood"

"Well if you ever decide to go that route, let me know. I know a good doctor"

I was supposed to have dinner with Dre and his mom tonight, but after my appointment, I wasn't in the mood to slap on a fake smile. Dre reads through that shit instantly, which means I would have to explain why I was in a sour mood. So instead, I went home and drank a bottle of Chardonnay to myself. This is the closest you get to a pity party" I told myself as I rolled a blunt. 

I took it easy the rest of the weekend. I just sat at home with Ollie and Pepe, watching TV and eating junk. When Monday morning came, I'd gotten all the pity out of my system and was ready to work off that extra 5 pounds I gained overnight.

"Good morning. Are you ready to work on that form?" Quincy greeted me bright and early with that big ass smile he always had. It was eerily quiet with only one other person working out this morning, but that didn’t make him any less jolly.

"As a matter of fact, I am" I replied, catching him off guard. Still, that didn't stop him from coming through with the good advice. We had a thirty-minute session, but when it was over, I was drenched in sweat.

I walked a couple of miles to cool down then took at quick shower so I could avoid rush hour on the way to work. John was a good driver, but no one stood a chance against rush hour traffic.

"Thanks for the pointers today" I smiled when Quincy walked in the locker room. “I really feel the burn” 

"My pleasure" he smiled, licking his lips. I swear he was doing that shit on purpose.

“Do you mind helping me out with my necklace?" I asked, after it slipped through my fingers for the third time.

"Of course" he replied, taking it in his hand and putting it around my neck. "You smell really good"

"Thanks"

“No problem” he whispered so softly, that he made the hairs on the back of my neck stand and sent shivers down my spine. My body shook involuntarily causing me to bump into him and I accidentally felt his manhood.

“Oh my God. I’m sorry. That tickled and I got the chills, I’m so sorry” I apologized repeatedly. I was embarrassed, but more impressed than anything. He had basketball shorts on so I felt everything. I couldn’t believe it was rock hard and a nice size at that.

“Hey girl, I woke up late today and-” Katy immediately paused, feeling the tension in the air.

“It was good working with you today, let me know when you’re ready for more” Quincy winked, leaving me to face Katy’s curious expression, and adding even more to the flame with that wink.

Chris

“Wow. This is beautiful. What do you call it?” Tae asked, as soon as we entered my bedroom. She came to the city this weekend, for my art exhibition and couldn’t get enough. She wanted to see more, so I invited her over to see some of the things I painted in my new home.

“Monster. I painted this in one night. I couldn’t sleep, so I found myself painting with no end in mind, this was the finished product” I explained.

“You are really talented. Her eyes are so intense” she continued in awe. “And look at her lips”

“Look at your lips” I replied, licking my own, then leaning in and kissing hers. It was bold, but I could tell she wanted it, because she wasted no time slipping her tongue in my mouth.

“Damn” she grinned, after I pulled back. “That was unexpected”

“In a bad way or a good way?”

“In a great way, but I might as well tell you now. I’m celibate, so that’s about as far as you’re gonna get without a ring on my finger”

“Whoa, I wish you would’ve told me that sooner. Now I feel like I crossed the line, and I don’t want to disrespect you”

“No, that was nice. I just don’t want you getting any other ideas” she laughed playfully, as her phone began to vibrate. She took it out, replied to a text, and put it back in her pocket for the hundredth time today.

“You must be a popular lady” I teased. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know” she replied, leaning in and kissing me this time.

“Naw, you can’t be doing stuff like that. That’s not fair” I quickly shook my head, as the alarm chimed, signaling that someone just came in the house. 

I knew it wasn’t Anthony, he wasn’t supposed to be back for another few hours, so I jumped up and ran down the hall to find out who it was.

“Chris!" Mama called out as I jogged down the stairs.

"Hey mama, what's up? You always call before you come"

"I have something to tell you” she began, getting straight to the point. 

“This must be some serious stuff for you to drive all the way over here” I chuckled.

“We need to sit down” she sighed walking to the living room and sitting on the sofa. 

“You okay?” I asked and she nodded. “What’s going on mama? Don’t tell me I’m gonna have to beat Richard’s ass”

“What? No Chris” she rolled her eyes. “This is going to be a lot to process, and I’m sorry I never told you this before. I had a baby when you were six. I was going through a lot at the time, and I couldn’t handle another child, so I gave him up for adoption"

"Wow...wait. Why are you telling me now?"

"He showed up at my doorstep a couple of months ago. I thought the records were sealed, but he found me. We’ve been spending some time together, but he wanted to be sure about the paternity before taking our relationship any further, so we had a DNA test done and I got the results today. He's really my baby boy” she whispered, clutching the papers to her chest.

“Wow Ma. I don't even know what to say right now?” I stared at her, lost for words. “I’m surprised you could go all this time without telling me something like this”

"It’s not something I was proud of, you know. I didn't think about the possibility of him wanting to know me after all this time, and there were so many feelings surrounding my pregnancy, that I hoped to never have to explain, so I forced myself to live with my decision"

"What do you mean"

"He came out looking just like his dad, and I couldn't live with that at the time”

“Wait, you said ‘his’ dad, so that means...”

“Yes, you two have different fathers. Anyway, I told him he has a brother and he's been wanting to meet you. I thought it would be best if we knew the DNA results first, so now that they're here, I thought we could all have dinner tonight at my house”

“Of course, if I have a brother out there, I definitely want to meet him” I nodded adamantly.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’m going to get going Chris” Tae announced. 

“I’m so sorry, Tae. This is my mom, Joyce. Mama, this is Lashontae. She’s Lala’s maid of honor”

"You are gorgeous Lashontae” Mama complimented, shaking her hand. “Chris, you should’ve told me you have company.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I see you have family stuff going on, so I think I should go”

“Nonsense honey. I didn’t mean to interrupt what you two had going on. I’m going to get going, I have to get to the supermarket. I’ll see you later Chris” Mama smiled. “It was good to meet you Lashontae, you’re welcome to join us for dinner later” she added on her way out.

“Aww, you look so much like your mom, and she’s super sweet” Tae grinned.

“Thank you. You’re not leaving yet, are you?”

“Well, I kind of overheard your mom, I figured you might want some privacy, so I was going to head back to Lala’s.” Tae replied.

“Please stay and join us tonight. Mama can really cook, I promise you won’t be disappointed” 

“I'm sure she can, I just don’t want to impose on something so private”

“Stop it. I want you to be there. It’s not like I can just come swoop you up whenever I want to chill with you, so I want to make the most of the time you do get to spend out here”

“Okay, under one circumstance”

“What’s that?” I asked, hoping it was reasonable.

“I want you to paint something for me” she smiled.

“I should’ve known” I smirked. She was legit a fan of mine and that alone turned me on. The fact that she was celibate also ignited a fire in me. Everything about her was too perfect, and I couldn’t believe luck was on my side with this one. She was beautiful with a banging body, had brains, and was successful in her career.  I couldn’t help but wonder if she had any secrets in her closet, only time will tell. 

[sweetness47]

Ghosts of Memories

 Pairing Clint Barton x reader

A/N: this is for #MAMTWritingchallenge hosted by @marvelatmytrash (I haven’t decided whether or not to make it a series yet. I will see where this one goes.) feedback is always welcome, as is reblogging.

“You have no idea who I am do you?” paired with calming someone down after a nightmare.

Warnings: Fluff, maybe, language, violence, memory loss, lost love, nightmares, trauma…basically if you’re under 18, don’t read this!

Summary: You are a SHIELD agent, one of the top elite. Not only do you kick ass with weapons and without, you can also control elements ie. Earth, fire, wind, water, electrical current and light. You can’t remember anything past 6 years ago, due to a terrible accident, or so you’ve been told. Doctors say your memories may never come back. So what happens when they do start to return?

Six years ago:

“I’m just going to the store to get eggs and milk, then pick up a deluxe pizza on my way home.” Y/N shouted down the basement stairs to her hubby. Clint peeked around the corner and looked up at her with his best puppy dog eyes. She caved and sighed. “Alright, ham and pineapple, and a 6-pack of Bud Light, but only because I love you and because it’s your birthday.”

Clint ran up the stairs and wrapped Y/N in his arms, and giving her a short, intimate kiss, promising some fun later. She threw her arms around his neck, moaning into his kiss. “Thanks honey. You are really the best, you know that? You kick ass, save the world, and you’re mine.” he whispered in her ear.

She smiled, “Of course I know Clint, and I’m lucky to have you too.” She said, winking at him and kissing him on the nose. “Who else could I get to fix the toilet, help me save the world, and kill all the spiders for me. You’re indispensable.” Y/N giggled as Clint reached for her sides, especially that ticklish spot by her ribcage. She squealed and tried to tickle him back, but he backed her against the wall. “Ok, ok. I give.” He was laughing as hard as she was as they kissed then, both breathless and both exceedingly happy.

As she got in the car, she remembered his reaction that morning as she presented his birthday present, neatly wrapped with an iridescent bow and matching ribbon. As he opened it, and realization set in, a huge grin appeared on his face, and in an instant he was swinging her around, showering her with hugs and kisses, the framed ultrasound picture still in his hand. She was about ten weeks according to the tests, and everything looked exactly the way it should, no abnormalities. It was too soon to know the gender, but she didn’t care. They were pregnant.

She listened to radio as she drove, weather reports and warnings were filling every station she tuned in to. Then she hit a winter onslaught. The sky darkened, and in the blink of an eye a torrential downpour of ice and snow suddenly clouded her vision. As she tried to use her power to lessen the storm’s intensity, another car lost traction on the icy street, and rammed into Y/N’s SUV. The force of the impact caused her car to break through the barrier of the bridge, and plummet head first into the frigid waters below. Blackness and water were everywhere, Y/N tried to move the water and get the car out, but there was too much ice. Instead of moving the car out, the ice pushed it down to the bottom. Her cracked windshield began leaking, the cold beginning to seep in, and without any access to wind, she couldn’t get out.

Desperate to free herself from her seemingly inescapable prison, she used light to melt what remained of the window, bracing herself for the onslaught of arctic liquid that would come at her. It wasn’t enough, the pressure slammed into her, knocking breath from her lungs, not letting her get air before enveloping her. Y/N tried to focus as she swam out the window toward the surface. Finding a small opening still in the layer of ice that covered the river, she came up for air, trying to grab the top of the ice. She could hear people yelling, but was too cold to say anything. Then before she could make the water warmer and get herself to shore, she was pulled under by the current, her head striking the jagged edge of the ice, and her world went black.

Present day:

Y/N stared at the transfer notice in her hand. Why on earth, especially since she really liked her current posting in Ireland, would she all of a sudden need to go to New York. Fuck this shit. Her head began to pound, and she absently grabbed a bottle from her pocket, popped two white T-3’s and went back to cleaning out her room. There was some small part of her that wishes she was normal, with a normal job, maybe a normal family. But noooo, she was a government assassin, and an inhuman, which made her a valuable commodity, and apparently needed in New York. She looked out her window, thinking how much she was going to miss all the lush green countryside and the peaceful walks amongst that greenery.

New York, where the aliens had attacked some time before, and the Avengers initiative was enacted. She knew who Nick Fury was, especially since he was the first person she had seen when she’d awoken from her coma. They had met on numerous occasions since, and each time he had attempted to recruit her to help with the Avengers. But she had declined each time, not wanting to leave Europe. She wasn’t European by birth, but she’d grown to love it here since being re-assigned after her accident, the one where she lost a lot of her life, her memories gone, locked away in the deep recesses of her mind. Doctors said the memories could come back at some point, or they may never return. What was worse, SHIELD files had been erased of her life before. It was almost as if they were hiding something from her, either for mental health reasons, or simply because they liked her better now. And no one ‘knew’ anything, or so they said, even Fury, stating that maybe she shouldn’t keep digging. She had tried social media, phone records, DMV records, anything, and they all came up blank. It was as if she’d never existed before, and it nagged at her conscience.

She was soon packed and on board the small plane that would take her across the ocean. Agent Phil Coulson met her at the airstrip when she landed, to escort her to their base. “Welcome here Y/N.” He extended his hand and she took it happily. Phil was something of a legend amongst the elite agents, having been the force behind putting together the A-team as she liked to call them. And truth be told, she was anxious to meet them, having been a fan for a while now. Natasha Romanova was kind of a role model, even though the age difference was only 2 years, she was everything Y/N aspired to be. There were times she imagined sparing with Widow, just to see who could best who first, though she suspected for as good as she was, Natasha was better, having trained from a young age.

When they finally arrived at the ‘secret’ base, she was shown to her quarters, where she set to work unpacking and changing out of her travel clothes. Making sure her identification was properly displayed, she took herself on a self-guided tour of the facility. It was actually pretty nice digs, and pretty big, much bigger than the Irish base. Not watching in front of her, because she was busy looking around, she walked into a brick wall, which actually wasn’t a wall at all. Thor had been walking back from the cafeteria with some java for the road, when Y/N bumped into him, causing hot liquid to erupt from the cup, and spill all over both parties.

Y/N immediately apologized. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Are you hurt? Let me help.” And bent down to retrieve pieces of broken pottery that was the cup.

Thor smiled warmly. “No harm done. There is always more coffee to be had. Are you new here?” he asked, seeing your name badge.

Her cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson. “That obvious huh. Yeah, just transferred in from Ireland. I’m Y/N. You must be Thor.” She stated casually, gesturing at his armor and cape, and of course that infamous hammer. Mjolnir was the most fascinating weapon she’d ever seen. Y/N pointed to the beautiful but deadly item in his hand. “I know I can’t pick it up, but can I…well…touch it? Sorry, that sounded weird. It’s just a really awesome hammer.” She blushed more, realizing how stupid that sounded.

Thor chuckled. “Not at all my lady. By all means, feel free to gaze upon the power of the mighty Mjolnir. However I must warn you, it does tend to shock those who touch it, except me of course.”

Y/N raised a brow, now completely thrilled. She reached out her hand and ran it across the Asgardian symbols and craftmanship, and did indeed get a shock. But rather than sting, it seemed to blend into her skin and ignite her own power. Soon her body and Mjolnir were sharing electrical current, the hammer increasing the strength of Y/N’s energy output. Thor watched the interaction, completely taken aback with what was transpiring in front of him. Never in his lifetime had anyone been able to create that kind of power with his hammer except for himself. Now his curiosity was peaked, and he offered Y/N the weapon to hold. Frowning but not unwilling to try, she accepted the gift, and both were genuinely shocked when the hammer allowed her to hold it.

Some of the nearby agents had stopped to witness this event, including Fury and Coulson, and a wide range of expressions filled their faces, from shock, to amazement, to genuine wow. Y/N handed the hammer back to Thor when she saw the attention she had attracted. Excusing herself, she made her way over to Nick Fury and extended her hand. “Sir, good to see you again.” You said with respect, and perhaps a touch of affection. Fury was like the older brother, always protecting her and covering her ass when she dug into files she shouldn’t.

Fury accepted the gesture and returned the handshake. “Y/N. Haven’t changed a bit I see. Still manage to find new and interesting ways to make yourself known.”

Y/N smiled. “Yes sir! Now, on with the tour!” She gave a mock salute, earning a smirk from Coulson and a glare from Fury. He didn’t scold her, but she did make herself scarce, as the tour wasn’t quite done yet anyways.

She had been briefed on the plane with regards to the nature of her re-assignment. Power, they needed whatever they could get, and Y/N’s power was amongst the best in the entire SHIELD world. Talks of aliens and impending doom were everywhere. But the agency seemed especially worried. Whatever. Steady paychecks helped with the negotiations, landing herself a nice raise and bonus incentive. She could only hope that her ‘headaches’ and ‘nightmares’ didn’t interfere with her work. It wasn’t bad now, not like it was when she’d first awaken, but it still happened on occasion. It was like a never-ending cycle of torment, flashes of near death, a storm, drowning. But she could never move past those images. She would wake in cold sweats, shaking, screaming, only to realize she was alone and in no present danger. Only once did the flashbacks happen during a mission, luckily it was Fury and Hill that accompanied her for it, and neither were hurt in the process.

Fury did advise her to see a counsellor after, and she did. But the talks, while they did help some, were only that, talk. Nothing could be done to bring back the rest of the memories. It was just plain annoying sometimes. And times like this, when she was this pissed, were the times where she found exercise to be a good stress reliever. So she made her way around the base until she came across the training room, where she found Nat taking on Steve Rogers. Amused, she stood by the door and watched. Where Steve was fast and strong, Widow was small and agile, both were quick and equally deadly in their own right. Just as Y/N sat down, Steve caught movement out of the corner of his eye and Nat flipped him, taking him out for the count.

Steve got up as you walked over to apologize. “I’m sorry. I distracted you. Good match though.” You remarked.

Nat came over to join. “It wasn’t bad. Don’t apologize though. Distraction can’t be used as an excuse.” Then she looked over at Y/N. “Do you want to go a round?” she asked quizzically.

You raised a brow. “Sure. I’m Y/N. I just transferred in from Ireland.” You shook hands with Steve and with Nat.

“Nice to meet you Y/N.” Nat smiled. “Do you need to change?”

“Nope. I’m good.”

Nat motioned Y/N over to the mat. A few people stopped to watch, including Steve. Y/N put her hands up. “I won’t use my abilities. This will just be hand to hand.” She promised.

It was Nat’s turn to be surprised. “Abilities? You’re inhuman?” Y/N nodded. “That’s where I heard your name from.” She shrugged. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

Nat took her fight stance, as did Y/N. For what seemed like an eternity neither moved, studying the other, watching like a lion stalking prey. Then Nat lunged, her body diving to sweep Y/N’s feet from under her. But she dodged, anticipating Widow’s tactics, and made a beeline for her arm to disable her. She countered, throwing a kick at Y/N’s arm, which was deflected, and coming around with a backhand to attack. Ducking, Y/N landed a small punch in her midsection. Nat quickly brought her knee up, catching Y/N’s chin, causing her to bite her lip. Y/N recovered quick, bringing her leg sweeping low in a circle, and connected with Nat’s ankle. She fell back, but was back on her feet quickly.

Back and forth they went, minutes ticking by, people beginning to cheer and wager on who would actually win. Without using her power, she was pretty evenly matched with her idol. For a while it seemed as though no one would ever win. Then someone else stopped to watch the fight. Someone who went white upon seeing who his friend was fighting. He pushed through the crowds to get a front row seat, unable to believe what he was seeing. “Y/N?” he whispered.

Y/N looked up at the mention of her name, and Nat got the upper hand, setting Y/N up and taking her down with that head-scissor lock flip. Gasping for air, Y/N looked for the owner of the voice that had cost her the match. Then leaning over her, offering a hand up, was a handsome, blue-eyed man that looked like he’d seen a ghost. Only he was staring at her, not a ghost. He kept her hand in his, almost afraid to let go.

Y/N tried to remove her hand, but he held firm, as if she would disappear if he let go. “Y/N. What the hell? I…it’s been 6 years. Where have you been? Why didn’t you come back if you weren’t dead? I don’t understand…” his voice trailed off as he studied Y/N’s confused look. Realization dawned on him then, and he let her hand go. “You have no idea who I am, do you?”

Y/N bit her lip, taking a step back as she shook her head. “No, sorry. Ummm…” Her head began jackhammering in her skull, and she ran, needing to get away from him, from everyone, just needing to be alone.

It was Nick who came knocking on her door. She let him in, only because she knew he wouldn’t go away. He motioned to sit, and Y/N nodded. The flashbacks began adding images, of a man with light brown hair, blue eyes. Holding her, making love to her, kissing her. Not even the T3’s were helping now. With tears streaming down her face, she looked into the eyes of the man she had learned to trust, the man who she was pretty sure had been partially lying to her all these years.

“I want the truth Nick, and I want it now.” Y/N wiped away a tear and glared at the man in front of her. “Who in the hell is that man and why did he act like he knew me?”

Nick sighed. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a USB and threw it on the bed beside her. She looked at it, then back at Nick. Anger slowly seeped through her usually calm façade, and he held his hands up as a peace offering. “These are the files you’ve been searching for all these years. Your life before the accident, your original posting, and everything else you tried to find. That man in the gym, Agent Barton, was your husband of 5 years, and your childhood friend, your high school sweetheart, and your first love. The day of your accident, it was his birthday. Your gift to him was an ultrasound picture of the 10-week-old fetus you carried. A violent storm swept into the area when you were driving to the store, your car was run off the road and into the icy river. You nearly drown. You went into a hyperthermia-induced coma. Your abilities are quite powerful, but ice doesn’t like you. You couldn’t save yourself fast enough. You lost the baby. The memory loss was from a concussion suffered when your head found the edge of a sharp jagged ice chunk. You know the rest of this past 6 years. Everything else is on there.” He gestured to the piece of tech, and got up to leave.

Y/N just stared at the wall, barely acknowledging Nick’s exit. For two hours she just sat there, trying to process everything she’d just heard. Her skull felt like a basketball pounding on pavement. She couldn’t keep her eyes open as the world started spinning. Her body hit the mattress, feeling like lead. Her mind flashed images, dark water, sleet, ice, cold water rushing at her, the current pulling her under the ice, her chest hurting from lack of oxygen, panic. She tried to scream but the water muffled the sound. She flailed, clawing at the ice, needing the air, needing to live. Suddenly arms were holding her, shaking her, a warm male voice was calling her name.

Clint had been walking slowly toward her room, trying to figure out how to talk to her. Then her screams broke through his thoughts and he tore down the hallway, opening her door in less than 3 seconds. She was choking, her breath ragged, like she couldn’t get any air. She was panicking. She was having a nightmare. He sat on the bed and gathered her into his arms, and held her, stroking her hair, whispering soothing words.

She opened her eyes to the man who was a stranger to her, but not a stranger. She nestled into his embrace and cried.

@legion1993 @marvelatmytrash

[local-idiot-heartbroken-blog]

06.12 - 06.18: How I Ruined My Life In Under a Week

This was by far my busiest week socially (this says a lot about how uneventful my life has been in my 21 years of life). Regardless, it was very enjoyable and provided a much needed change of pace.

Breakdown:

6/12: Had a celebratory dinner for the end of finals for Baery’s ass. We ate at The Boiler, which was really good, so much so that I am going again with my family soon. Then my friend imploded on both of us and left an unsettling mood for a bit. Condolences.

6/13: Another dinner plan but this time with Francis and Andy in OC. We ate from one of those random local taco trucks, the food was decent. After, we got boba and watched Avengers, which they both really liked (I already saw it prior and it was extremely difficult not to spoil).

6/14: After work, I headed to Riverside for Jackie’s party. Caught up with AJ and Royce at Tiff’s apartment (haven’t seen them in over a year and surprisingly it was still natural talking with them). Once we were at Jackie’s, holy shit it was so hot and musty. All these sweaty ass Asians cramped on one floor, half already gone, while the other half are in awkward cliques. After a few shots, an L in beer pong and some small talk with random drunks we left that sausage fest (thank god).

6/15: My first time at a company party, and I had a lot of fun. The event was much more organized than I expected. They had casino games, two djs and plenty of food/drinks. It was my first time gambling (although it was with fake money) and my luck was the best of the night. I drank about 5 shots and two cups of some mixed drink (personal record so far) and surprisingly I was still functional by the end of the night. I never really believed/understood the social aspect of drinking with your bosses, but this night proved to me that it is a very real thing. Overall the night was filled with many memories that I will cherish.

6/16: Lione’s show at The Union was on Saturday. To be honest, I only knew one of his songs, but Francis was super excited to see him and the tickets were only $13 (I’m guessing Ami was there for the same reason as me). We made our way to KTown for food and to kill time before the show. I told them we shouldn’t go on time because only losers go to events right on time (Shout out to Barry for teaching me that). We got boba at Tan-Cha and I must say their matcha was one of the highest quality I’ve ever had from a boba place. For some odd reason they were playing strictly Taylor Swift in the store even though majority of people in the store were fobs. I tried to make small talk with a cute worker at an ice cream store where we were getting dessert at. She was not having it LOL. Around 10:00 we made our way to the venue, struggled a bit, but got that free parking. The setting was very similar to Jackie’s party situation, a bunch of sweaty Asians, but this time in a dark room with loud EDM blasting. Although we only went for Lione, the opening acts were all really great. There is something so surreal about live performances, I felt so immersed in the music. I was DD so I bought rounds for Ami and Francis (an early graduation gift for them) because they were literally walking hours after the event. In attempt to get out of my comfort zone again, I asked a girl if she wanted to get closer to the stage (I really was trying to dance with her) but she declined it LOL. To make matters worse, some rude white bitch yelled at me to get away from her friend when I was asking her if she wanted to get past me. This bitch really thought I wanted her beanpole friend who was flailing around on the dance floor. Lione’s performance was really amazing, the energy of the crowd was unreal. We left the event with two new friends, who were nice enough to walk us all the way to our car. Francis was really into one of them (Nicole), too bad she has a bf. Once I got home, I had trouble going to sleep because I was overwhelmed with emotions from the whole experience. The whole day was a great time, I am really happy I decided on a whim to go.

6/17: Sunday was a necessary break from all the hectic events. All I did the whole day was hw and worked on my new business venture. I also reflected on how I could be a better person for myself, my family and friends/loved ones. The most productive day out of the last 6 for sure lol.

6/18: This was the most important day out of whole week of events. My bestie Barry was finally graduating after all the years (I’d like to believe Tiffany and I played a big role in convincing him to walk). I freed up my whole day in honor of his dumb ass. I couldn’t sleep the night before I’m not sure why. I was a little anxious about the ceremony because I thought I was going to be watching alone, but luckily Jenna spotted me and we all sat together. We all bonded through our jokes about Barry and the ceremony seemed to fly by. His family was super cute and supportive with their print outs of his many expressions. It was wholesome af! I was the first person to make it to Parkway Grill besides Barry’s family and I was awkwardly engaging in small talk with them. Despite the large party, lunch went smoothly. I didn’t feel out of place at all and we all shared food and laughs. But the celebration was far from over, our next location was at Barry’s family’s house. We played a few drinking games (some Chinese game that I still don’t understand and beer pong) before hopping into the pool to play volleyball. Huy and I won both games, even though they don’t want to admit. Sherry and the others started barbecuing while the rest of us proceeded to dry off. My second bestie, Tiffany, finally showed up and the legendary trio was at last complete! Around 7-8pm is where mistakes started to be made (lol *facepalm*). Succumbing to many opportunities of peer pressure I kept taking shots with everyone. I was feeling good and thought this time around I’d be okay because I ate before, but almost all at once the alcohol hit my system. By 10pm I was clearly drunk, flushed face, sloppy motor functions and touchiness. Thanks Sherry for letting me lay on you and keeping me warm (; (sorry Tiffany). Courtney and Mark dragged me off her and brought me inside to rest on the couch. The whole time I’m having an internal struggle between my body’s desire to vomit and my desire to keep it down. Eventually my body gave in and I threw up 4 times with most of it going into the bag (sorry once again Tiffany LOL). Immediately after my violent vomit session I felt much better, but I was still dazing in and out of consciousness. Many people were coming in to say bye (Sherry, Courtney, Mark, Brandon, Tiffany are the only ones I remember). Although I planned on driving home and going to work on Tuesday, I ended up crashing at Barry’s parent’s house in the guest room. Huge shoutout to Barry and his family for having unrivaled hospitality. That was my first time ever having to stay the night due to intoxication, it was lit as this generation would put it. To end this insanely long post, I want to extend my congratulations again to Barry and Tiffany for graduating. They’re my bbs and I always wish the best for them. Looking forward to more days/weeks/years with memories as sweet as these.

( ◠‿◠ )

[fmdjaewonarchive]

happy new year!

happy new years and a blessed 2018 to all of you!!! i may be a bit early for some, a bit late for other’s but as this should go up when the clock strikes 12 for me i decided it was fitting enough. i was going to keep this short and sweet but sorry guys, you’re going to have to bear with me getting sappy for a bit. i just want to say some things about what kind of year 2017 has been for me (warning: there is some triggering stuff, i marked it p obviously in the post but just take care yeah) and what kind of part all of you have played in my life the past few months.

as cliché as it is (i feel like i say this every year) but 2017 may have been my wildest year yet. i’ve experienced a great many things from really good to really bad that i can barely believe it all fit in one year and throughout all of it famed has really been a constant presence for me. for someone who claims to not like to talk about it this is my 3rd time around here since famed’s opening (shoutout to beth for putting up with my indecisive ass ily mom) and looking back on it, famed has always been a place i was drawn to when i was going through my better times and then things would get worse and i’d fall out of touch again.

early 2017 was really good to me, i finally found a group of friends i felt i really fit in with the first time in ever, i wasn’t just the girl that stuck around but i was actually part of something and that felt glorious. i was nearing the end of my high school career (me, a small bub) and i got back into rp’ing after losing my last group of rp friends i was incredibly close with. basically, i had my shit together.

and then i found this place and i immediately fell in love with everyone here.

sadly enough it didn’t last for too long, early may rolled around, i was preparing for my final exams (more so hating myself for not being able to focus on my final exams) with the end of high school nearing my friend group was at its hinges because all of us were set to go study elsewhere and i just wasn’t in a good place. i dropped out of famed for the first time to focus on my exams because i really didn’t have the energy to do anything else.

———tw: toxic friendships, threatened self harm/suicide, panic attacks———

my finals went by, i passed all of them with better grades then i could have dreamed off and i had a grand 4 months of summer break ahead of me so i should be getting back on track right? but i didn’t, those months summer break were the hardest part of my year. i have this friend in my life, well, friend is a big word because for the last 4 to 5 years she’s been making my life a living hell. really, i can’t even properly get into the amount of shit she put me through. she lied to me about what people/my friends would say about me to isolate me, she constantly put me down to make herself look better, she crushed any self-esteem i had, she was possessive/clingy and whenever i so much would speak up about anything or try to take some space for myself she would pick fights with me. she was so awfully manipulative she’d always make me look like the bad guy in every situation and if that didn’t work she’d just threaten to harm or even kill herself and tell me it be my fault if she did. whenever we fought it would always end up with me suffering panic attacks with how upset and frustrated i was with the situation. i was absolutely suffocated, i had been for years already but i grew to resend myself for letting her, for knowing what she was doing and not stopping her, i felt so weak and cowardly. but i had no idea how i was supposed to get rid of her, our lives were so tangled up i rarely was without her and i didn’t know how to take a step away without it being obvious. we went to school together, during summer break i worked for her parents’ company 3 to 4 days a week, we’d spend weekends together. she withheld me from many things in my life, crushed my self esteem and basically learned me to forget what a healthy friendship looked like and i told myself to just hold on until the end of the summer, i’d move away for uni and i’d just let our ‘friendship’ bleed out because i knew cutting her out of my life would result in the worst fight we ever had. 

and for a while i looked forward to that, i came back to famed and i felt at least stable for a bit, not happy, but stable. but then the pressure at work increased, i was given tasks i was nowhere near qualified for, asked to work far more hours and the situations around the office declined for me and all my co-workers as our bosses/her parent’s grew more and more stressed. i spend my days either crying by myself in the office or trying to get through my workload and when i had days off i was just too exhausted to force myself to do anything. so i dropped out again.

i just started doing worse and worse, work was driving me mad, on my free days my ‘friend’ still constantly forced me to spend time with her even if i didn’t even want to leave my house, my friendgroup was magically keeping together just without me and the closer i came to moving out for uni the more i became overwhelmed with the idea of going to study and living by myself, i felt unprepared, like i wanted to be in a place in my life i wasn’t anywhere near in reality.

————————————ok back to the better stuff————————————

but time kept going as it always does and september came around. i moved to belgium (wow, me, a whole international student cough 1 hour over the dutch border cough) and enrolled as a psychology student. the first week i was dead anxious, i didn’t know anyone, i was still overwhelmed with the crippling fear that i was nowhere near intelligent enough for any of this. but it faded and soon, i grew to love being in my dorm more than being back home (i travel back and forth every weekend)

going to uni was the best decision i ever made, after the initial fear settled i realised how much i love my studies, i found an amazing friend group who have been more than welcoming and taking care of me and generally i noticed i was happier than i ever felt. 

being that happy however made me realize how much the past years had messed me up, how difficult it was to accept that i could have friends this good for me, that i was actually wanted and didn’t take up space and time and attention i shouldn’t be and then some pretty awful things happened back home (that i won’t get into for now) and i fell out of it a bit again, i grew to hate being home i loathed traveling back and forth every weekend (i still do) but i also didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that. i started doing worse again, i let my insecurities get the best of me and began to worry when my new friends would get tired of me. that if i would be too loud or too out there they’d just get annoyed and ditch me. 

it took me a lot to drag myself out of that but i did (most of the time at least, i’m still working on it these days) but i was working on myself, on my self-esteem issues, on my constant social anxieties and then i just felt the pull to get back into writing again. the one place i immediately thought of was famed.

so i came back and met the most of you for the first time around and admittedly a part of me was scared i’d just fall through again, that i wouldn’t fit as well as i hoped or that i’d get discouraged again but from the very first second, all of you were the most welcoming people both ic and ooc, like always, joining this group felt a bit like coming home, i suppose that’s why i always felt so drawn to it.

it’s hard to imagine i’ve only known the most of you for about 2 to 3 months by now because as much fun as i’ve had so far writing and developing my muses, it’s not the most important part of my time here. i got to know all of you, spend my free time talking to you which has given me so many nice memories. and not just the happy times i may not be able to count the times i’ve doubled over in laughter thanks to you guys but i also found unconditional support. whenever i’m just slightly having an off day or anything all of you are the most understanding, most caring people ever and i’ve been so blessed to have you all to fall back on when needed.

so long story short, thank you, every single one of you, for making my 2017 brighter and safer, to provide me with warmth and care i haven’t found yet outside of this group. i’m eternally grateful that i got to meet all of you and be part of this amazing family. i love all of you very much and can only wish for us to stick together in 2018 as well, let’s please keep this up for another year so i can make another gross, sentimental post next new year’s eve.

thank you and i love you all.