#my thought process after seeing the symptoms line up was

[somnolent-scout]

So uhh.. as everyone has probably noticed, I have not been feeling well lately.

Alongside being mentally unstable thanks to the various internet disasters I've been shoved into, I've been feeling very physically sick. For the past three days, I've woken up with a sick stomach and extreme queasiness. I have yet to actually lose it, but it certainly feels like shit. My throat has been sore, scratchy, and has a weird waste taste to it. My vertigo has increased with zero explanation or cause. I also recently popped (possibly dislocated) my hip while trying to use the restroom. My head and body have been overheating, but no fever has been recorded. I can't seem to drink a whole lot of water either. I don't know what's wrong with me.

My symptoms have only worsened over the past few days, and they have yet to come to a peak or settle down at all. I don't know what to even test for at this point. I don't have a fever or loss of smell. It's not COVID-19.

Idk

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

could you do a pregnant reader x rafe

a/n: okay but that got my brain buzzing, so i simply had to get all the thoughts out in the form of headcannons (written right before i fell asleep, sorry if it shows)

∼ gentle reminder that feedback, but especially reblogs are the way you support writers on here ∽

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okay, so picture this: he's the asshole frat boy, you're the cute college chick who unlike him is actually there for the education.

also, he's your ex...

you were only together for a few months, but still, that shit was intense, the relationship nearly broke you from all of the high highs and low lows

it was exhausting being in love with an asshole, hence why you're no longer together

he was totally the type of toxic boyfriend to only wanna fuck you without a condom, either by pressuring you or just straight up lying and then rolling the rubber right off either as soon as he got you into doggystyle or like halfway through when you were too cockdrunk to notice the difference.

so that might have been why a month or so after the two of you broke up, you were late...

i'm picturing that you finally took a test at the most chaotic moment: at the beginning of a party in a bathroom, your roommate doing a quick run to a pharmacy while drunk folks try to barge down the door.

when your roomie comes back, you're totally freaking out, full-on melt-down, while she sits on the counter beside the sink and tries to calm you down, thinking up other solutions to your symptoms.

but the damn stick shows you two lines.

you were pregnant.

"so are you gonna tell him?" your roomie asks you, but you're still on a completely different planet, trying to comprehend the result.

"huh?"

"rafe. are you gonna tell him? i mean, i assume that it's him, unless there's somebody else, in which, how dare you not spill."

"what? no, there's no one else. of course it's rafe's..."

"...so? are you gonna tell him?"

but you have no idea if you want to or even should. you don't even have the slightest idea what you might wanna do about it all, if you should keep the baby or not.

but timing really is a funny funny thing, because when you then decide to go home to process everything (because damn, now you can't stay at the party and celebrate the close call), you bump into none other then the man, the myth, the whore himself: rafe fucking cameron.

now, you're straight up crying at this point, just overwhelmed as fuck, so of course he doesn't let you just slip by without figuring out what in the fuck is going on, if there is some douchebag he needs to go beat up.

"there only douchebag you need to beat up is yourself," you spit out before you can stop the phrase.

"oh, come on, baby. you can't still be mad at me? it's been like a month."

"please, rafe... just let me go home..."

"no, not until you tell me what's wrong!"

and when you actually say it out loud, it's like the awful party music fades and the buzzing crowd around you disappears.

"i'm pregnant."

at first, he just stands there stunned, staring straight through you.

if he's holding a glass, then he definitely drops and smashes it on the ground.

but then he grabs your arm and wordlessly drags you with him, all the way up to his room.

that's when, in the dull quiet of his dark dorm room, that it really sinks in.

for a while he just stares at you, letting his eyes scan down your frame, surely imagining what you'd look like in a few months.

and then, out of the blue, he whispers, "marry me..."

"...what?"

"marry me," he utters with more confidence, "i know this isn't exactly how it should go, but babe... i still love you. i never stopped... let me take care of you, let me take care of our baby, let me give you the life we deserve. so what do you say? will you marry me?"

but you just stare back at him as if he's gone mad.

"...no."

your stomach starts to flip as you then see the first signs of rage flare up on his features, "what do you mean no?"

"rafe, i'm supposed to be finishing up my degree, being young and dumb, not getting knocked up by the last man i'd ever want to be forever stuck with."

of course he then totally pops off, pushes you into a corner, yelling, screaming, all the nine yards

saying all this stuff about how you should be grateful that he ever gave you his time of day in the first place, nevertheless get you pregnant with his kid.

sooo, me thinks the next steps in their story gets pretty dark, pretty fast....

we talking him taking you with him home to tannyhill because school is simply too stressful for you and the baby (in his opinion)

mayhaps he straight up locks you in a room and acts all nice, pretends that nothing is wrong with the way he handles it all

forced marriage? yes? no? yes.

him getting fucking FERAL when you start to show?

also him getting feral long before that, taking the chance to make sure you're really, totally, 100% pregnant, if you know what i mean (in other words: all of the creampies ever, just over and over again, fucking load after load deep inside of you + so so much cumplay)

and the ending? i imagine that one day, after your kid is born, you run away, baby in your arms and not much else.

you try and create a quiet little life for you and your child somewhere far away

but eventually (of course, just for the sake of ✨drama✨) he finds you...

© 2024 thyme-in-a-bubble 

[letsgetrowdy43]

Do first, think later—

Jack Hughes x Reader

Request: Jack’s gf finds out she’s pregnant but Jack doesn’t know how to process it at first. So she felt alone and decided to take a trip back home to Michigan to see family but Jack freaks out and flies out of NJ to see her

She and Jack had their fair share of pregnancy scares over the span of their relationship, no matter how careful they were there was always a chance and a moment of pure fear while staring at the time on their phones as they watched the negative sign slowly appear.

This time though, this time was different.

The symptoms were really strong, nausea was insane, her boobs had grown a cup size, and the food aversions were becoming intense. That's when Jack suggested maybe testing, just to stop the stress from building, fingers crossed that the tiny stick would show the answer they both wanted. But as that second line appeared both Y/n and Jack went down a spiral, her hands covering her mouth to stop the gasp that was bubbling up in her throat.

"Okay, we can-" the tears started as she looked up at her boyfriend who stared at the counter in shock. All of the colours drained from his face as he swallowed thickly, finally looking at her, "I need to go for a walk," he said making a bee-line for the front door. She cried quietly while following him to the door, disbelief filling the empty space between them as he ignored the pleas for him to stay, "Can we at least talk about this before you leave Jack?" "I need to leave, I'll be back," he promised, still not fully looking at her as he slipped on his sneakers and was out the front door.

He didn't return that night, or the next, finally on the third day, she finally got confirmation on where he was. She had called Jack multiple times, then she called Quinn, Ellen, Dawson, John, Jesper, and then finally she called Nico who answered immediately.

"Please tell me he's with you, if he's not I'm filing a missing persons report," she said desperately as he let out a sigh. "Yeah he's here, physically at least, he seems zoned out," Nico frowned as he peaked into the living room at the twenty-two-year-old who was quietly staring out the apartment window. a weight lifted off of her chest as she heard the words, "Okay good, at least he's safe."

"What happened? if you don't mind me asking," he asked, shutting his bedroom door so that Jack couldn't hear their conversation. Tears welled up in her eyes as she sat down on the edge of her and Jack's bed, surrounded by clothes and a suitcase, "I'm pregnant, and we thought it was just a scare, but it wasn't, and then he left." "Oh." "I'm really fucking scared Neeks," she cried as her hands wiped away the smudged mascara from her cheeks, "I'm going home to my parents, I don't want to be alone right now," she tried to find a strong voice but lost as she received the notification with the confirmation of her flight. "You do whatever you need, I'll make sure he's safe, you go and be with your family," he said as she whispered a thank you and hung up to finish her packing.

Within the next twenty-four hours the girl found herself in the Detroit airport, Quinn waited for her in the arrivals, pulling her into a hug as he helped her with her bags and led her to the family van.

"He's gonna come to his senses," Quinn said reassuringly as she cried in the passenger seat, her puffy face hiding in her hands as Quinn ran a hand over her back. "He disappeared when I needed him," she frowned. "Trust me, I am not excusing his actions, I'm so mad at him for doing that to you," livid was more the word he would use to describe it, his brother was a much better man than the one who abandoned his young, pregnant girlfriend, "he's more of a do now, think later kind of guy, you know that, he just needs time, and when he comes back to his senses he's gonna hate himself."

She knew it was true, there was never an action that Jack Hughes made that he didn't immediately cringe after. He lived a life of regret, and this was going to be one of those things in his life that he's gonna look back at and be disgusted at for the rest of his life.

"So are you going home to your parents or mine?" Quinn asked as he looked from the road to her. She frowned and thought for a second before she looked at him, "Probably yours, if you think your mom wouldn't mind, I don't think I can tell my mom and dad yet, not while I'm so panicked," she mumbled as the tears started back up again.

Quinn frowned, trying to think of something to say to take her mind off of his idiotic brother, "So I'm gonna be an uncle? I've always wanted a nephew... a niece would be pretty sweet too" The girl grinned at his dorkiness, "Yeah? I've always thought Jack would be a good girl-dad," she grinned as her hand slid down to touch her stomach, her eyes widened at the realization that she was going to be a mom.

Jack returned to their shared apartment the night she flew back to Michigan, his heartbeat in his ears as he searched the apartment for her, only to be met with an empty closet and a lack of her bubbly presence. He chewed his bottom lip nearly off as he did another search of the house, his head spinning with nerves as he stumbled upon a sticky note stuck to the fridge.

"I'm going home for a bit, please call me when you're home and safe, just need to hear your voice -- Y/n <;3"

His phone started ringing loudly, his shaky hands fishing it out of his pocket as he re-read the note over and over again.

"Hello?" "Why is your girlfriend asleep in your old bedroom, looking like the shell of herself, by herself? So help me Jack if you did something to upset that poor girl I will have your head," Ellen scolded over the phone, his body deflated at the sound of his mother's voice instead of Y/n's.

"I fucked up Mom, like so bad," he started, and so did the tears, "I left her here all alone when she really needed me, and I just walked out," he stated rambling, choking on tears as his breaths grew short. Ellen started to tear up at the sound of her son in such distress, "Honey, I need you to breathe, can you do that for me?" she asked as she heard his cries grow quieter on the other end.

"What did you do? I'm sure you can fix it." "She's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad," Ellen's jaw dropped as she stood in the silence of the Hughes Lakehouse, looking over to Jim who stared at her with furrowed brows. "I'm gonna give you some advice Honey. You are going to get on a flight as soon as you can and fix this in person," Ellen said as she hung up the phone and left him to deal with the issue of his own.

Jim stared at her with a quirked eyebrow, "we are gonna be grandparents," she grinned as Jim choked on his coffee.

Less than twelve hours later, Jack was on the porch of his family's summer house, his heart beating at a fast pace as he stared at the door, trying to convince himself to open it. He took a deep breath and opened the door to be met with Luke who looked at him with a confused look, "you look like shit dude," he said as Jack rolled his eyed. "Thanks, much appreciated, where's Y/n?" "She's out in the back, she was sitting on the dock," Luke shrugged, unaware of all of the tension floating around the house.

She was exactly where Luke said she would be. Sat prettily at the edge of the dock, watching the sunset on the rippling water, a foot in the lake as she stared away numbly.

He stood at the shore, hands shoved in his pockets as he watched her, staring so peacefully, but looking so small, so unsure of herself. He hated that he did that, just as Quinn had suspected. Jack knew they could do it, they could be parents, but in the heat of the moment he wasn't so sure, and now it was leading to be the biggest regret of his life. Even with their young age, a family was everything he dreamed of, this just happened to be a few years earlier than his original plan.

She looked back at him, tears in her eyes as she ushered him to sit next to her, "Please stop just staring at me, it's making me nervous," she sadly joked as he walked over and sat down on the aged wood right next to her.

He stared at her as she watched the horizon, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth as she ignored his gaze, "I'm sorry, about it all," he frowned as she blinked away the tears in her eyes. Jack knew he was gonna need to say a lot more but the words were dying on the tip of his tongue as she ignored him some more.

"We are just so young, and the positive showed up and I just blanked and all of sudden I was in Nico's living room with a million missed calls from everyone and I realized that I'm going to be a Dad." The tears started as he reached out for her hand, she pulled away from his grasp, wiping away her own tears. "I came back to reality and realized that I fucking failed you, I've never hated myself more for something in my life, cause you're my person and I left you, and by extension, I left our baby and holy shit I'm the worst ever Y/n," she finally looked at him to see his face red and puffy, her hand reaching out for his now, "I'm so sorry, I don't think I will ever be able to say it enough times to make it right, but I hope you know how much I truly mean it."

The tears that rolled down her cheeks itched as she tried to calm herself down enough to form a coherent sentence, "I'm so mad at you right now." "I know baby," his hand reached out to tuck her bangs out of the way of her tear-stained cheeks. "You disappeared, and I was at home worrying myself ill, I almost called the authorities!" she gave him a very much-deserved scolding, as she curled up into a ball, knees pulled up to her chest as she let out a tired breath, "I can't even be mad at you either cause you were scared!" "No no, be mad, I hurt you" "I can't cause I feel the same way, I don't know how to be a mom, I'm twenty-one," she cried as he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her into his chest.

"We are gonna be great parents," he said, cupping her face in his hands as she cried, "You are so kind baby, and our baby is gonna be the most loved baby ever, and we can finally get that house in Hoboken we've been looking into," he started listing off all of the things to look forward to with this baby on the way, "we may be young, but there is no one out there that can be as compassionate and as kind as you, and you're about to be the hottest mom that's ever walked this earth," she blushed a bright red as she leaned into him.

"You're gonna be a good dad too," she said once she calmed down a bit, her lips pressing a short kiss to his shoulder. He grinned as his fingers intertwined with hers, "you think?" "I know you will be," she took his hand and placed it on her stomach, he leaned forward to capture her lips in a slow kiss, a mixture of passion and emergency filled their kisses as her hand wrapped around the back of his neck. He smiled into the kiss and pulled away with a grin, "your boobs grew," he smirked like a horny teenage boy as she rolled her eyes. "You're like a twelve-year-old," she smiled as he nipped at her jaw before pressing a kiss to it. "Suck it up, I'm your baby daddy," she grimaced at the term before he kissed her once again.

-

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-

[youremyonepiece]

anxious mornings

sanji x gn!reader (no pronouns used), sanji's pov

anxiety has a tendency to spread, as sanji discovers unexpectedly early one morning.

warnings: mentions and descriptions of anxiety and related symptoms; unhealthy eating habits; small implied mention of disordered eating; slight angst, comfort, light fluff (please lmk if there are any i should add!)

word count: 3k

sanji runs a hand through his damp hair as he steps out of the washroom, unsuccessful in warding off a large yawn. though the early waking hour is by no means unusual for him, he is but human, he thinks to himself with a slight chuckle; some mornings are just going to be easier than others.

shaking his head slightly as though attempting to scatter his thoughts around him like the water droplets that fly from his hair, sanji starts to make his way towards the kitchen. he needs to start prepping for the many meals of the day if he hopes to stand a chance at keeping up with luffy's incessant hunger. his fingers itch for a cigarette, anything to help stave off the remaining sleepiness in his system, but he resists the urge. while he knows he has little to no hopes of quitting, nor does he really want to, smoking this early in the morning feels like crossing a line-- not before breakfast.

it's as he's walking across the planks of the deck in the 4 AM darkness that he hears a sound he would recognize anywhere: the sound of a stomach growling.

sanji's eyebrows furrow as his thoughts about the day's menu are entirely forgotten. his head snaps towards the cluster of barrels from where the sound came-- a stowaway? he wonders briefly, but they've been out at sea for days now. there's no way someone could have gone unnoticed for that long. the growl is followed by a vaguely familiar soft sigh, causing sanji’s brows to furrow further.

he's at the barrels in a few long strides and can't stop his eyebrows from shooting upwards when he peers over their tops to find-- you. you're sitting on the deck with your back leaning against the barrel in front of him, eyes unfocused as they gaze across the distant horizon.

your name escapes his lips in confusion before he has completely processed your presence. you jolt slightly in surprise, clearly not expecting to have any company, before tilting your head upwards to peer at him.

"sanji?" you ask in your voice that he never fails to swoon at. a pause, and then, "is it that time already?"

sanji can't help but smile at your question. you truly are so sweet, so adorable-- he relishes the sight of your wide eyes, your slightly parted plush lips, your mussed hair. you're still in your pajamas, which isn't unusual in and of itself (you tended to get ready for the day after eating breakfast with the rest of the crew) but something about seeing you like this, alone in the early hour, feels more intimate than the two of you had been before. which, granted, was not at all, but that's only all the more reason he feels grateful to be here with you now.

he makes his way around the barrels languidly before leaning against the merry's railing, facing you with a warm expression. "indeed it is, sweetness. good morning."

he watches as a small smile forms on your lips. “good morning," you say, and sanji struggles to keep his thoughts from spiraling into bliss.

“you’re up early,” he comments casually with a friendly smirk, though a concerned quirk of his eyebrow gives him away. “to what do i owe the fine pleasure of your enchanting presence, my dear?”

the corners of your mouth turn upwards at his question, but he notices the smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes. "just couldn't sleep, i guess," you respond with a shrug, breaking eye contact to stare back out at the dim horizon.

it’s clear you aren't being completely honest, but sanji doesn’t want to push you to share if you don't want to. after all, it isn't like you guys are particularly close or anything. actually, he isn't sure if you could be considered "close" to anyone in the crew, with the exception of maybe luffy.

it isn’t that you didn’t trust them, not exactly-- despite the brevity of your time with the straw hats thus far, you’ve been through enough harrowing experiences together to know that you’ve got each other’s backs. but trusting someone with your life is one thing, especially when it’s already been proven in battle, and trusting them with your feelings is entirely another. it just hasn't been long enough yet; you’re still getting to know them.

at least, that's what he hopes it is, anyway. with the way his eyes seem to cling to you like flies to fruit, he isn't sure what he'll do if the truth is actually that you disliked him.

"anything i can help with?" he offers, trying to keep his voice nonchalant. he wants to help, but he also doesn't want to impose if you don't want him around.

to his relief, you meet his eyes again and smile. "that's kind of you, but no." you don’t say anything for a moment, holding his gaze with unreadable eyes and suddenly sanji feels as though he is gazing upon anubis instead, his heart being weighed on your scale to determine his worth. after a couple of seconds that span eternity, you say, “honestly, i’m just feeling a bit... not great.”

“not great?”

you break eye contact with him to look down at your stomach, silent for a moment again. “just anxious,” you finally sigh, your hands moving to rest at a spot right below your rib cage. “i feel it right here. it feels like... like pressure is building up, but if i press down on it then it's like i can get it to release," you demonstrate, causing a growl to emanate from your torso as though you had simply pushed air out of a bag. you exhale with slight relief again, hands still firm against yourself, before looking back up at him with an abashed smile. "i think my anxiety gave me gas," you half-joke.

sanji forces himself to ignore his ecstasy-- you’re opening up to him! he had just been thinking about it, too! you trust him!-- and to focus on your words instead. it gets easier as you continue, his frown deepening at the sound of your stomach growling again as he remembers what drew him to you a few minutes earlier.

he pulls out a cigarette with the slightest tremble in his hands-- breakfast be damned. you had just unwittingly reminded him of the fact that he’s only human for the second time this day already; some things are harder to deal with than others.

he takes a long inhale of his cigarette, letting the smoke permeate through his system and dull his nerves before slowly exhaling it in a thin wisp. "sweetness," he starts when he finally feels grounded again, eyes full of concern as they meet yours, "i don't think that's anxiety."

you seemingly can't stop yourself from releasing a short, incredulous laugh, lips curved in a smile but eyebrows furrowed and eyes guarded. "what?"

"at least, i don't think that it’s only anxiety." he holds your gaze steadily despite your spike of wariness. when he speaks again, his voice is sincere. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to say you didn't know what you were feeling. it's just--" he pulls away from the railing to crouch in front of you, faces now at the same level. the cigarette between his fingers creates a soft haze in the air between you. "when was the last time you ate?"

sanji feels the guilt spread through him again and attempts to fight it off by taking another long drag of his cigarette. he turns away from you to puff out the smoke, lost in thought.

now that he's thinking about it, you didn't show up to dinner yesterday. or lunch. your absence hadn't been odd; in the not-quite-two weeks you had been aboard, you had eaten with the rest of the crew a whopping total of four times. instead, sanji had noticed you opted to grab your dish and eat in the open air of the deck, taking shelter under nami’s tangerine trees if the weather wasn't accommodating. but he can't even remember you stopping by to make a plate for yourself yesterday. and thanks to luffy, he hadn't noticed any discrepancies in leftover food (that is to say, there was none as usual).

you had been there at breakfast, but he can't recall you grabbing anything except a mug of coffee. how could he have failed to notice? when was the last time he had seen you eat in front of him? it's been maybe two days since, he thinks, hating that he isn't certain. this had happened under his watch. and that too, with you. the person he’s trying to get closer to, to befriend and become a trusted confidant of at the very least, and at the very best... well, he finds you very attractive. but he would never cross that line unless he was wholly certain you wanted to, too.

you're silent as well, seemingly thinking back to find the answer to his question. he watches color creep up your cheeks as something dawns on you, realization and embarrassment fighting for dominance over your features. "i ate last night. at like, ten," you finally respond in a meek voice, looking everywhere but his face.

he can’t stop himself from glancing towards the kitchen. “what'd you eat?” he wonders.

you remain quiet for a moment before sighing again. "you're right. i'm hungry. i... i hadn't realized."

he narrows his eyes at you without malice, seeing through your attempts to escape answering him. “what did you eat?" he asks again, his voice’s volume softening to match yours.

you wring your hands, still refusing to look his way. "a couple of almonds," you say eventually, sounding chastised.

"and?" he prompts.

you don't respond.

"okay," sanji says, feeling his hands tremble again as he takes in your words. "okay," he repeats, "what about before that?"

"um, i think right after you cleaned up for lunch? i stole a slice of cheese, the one with the peppers in it." he can see you’re struggling to keep your expression neutral, but he isn't sure which emotions you’re fighting off.

he does know which ones he’s struggling with, though. sanji feels his stomach turn with guilt and trauma at your words. "and before that?" he asks, his voice low.

"coffee, at breakfast." your hands still but they and your eyes remain on your lap.

he exhales your name softly.

"it had milk and sugar in it," you say defensively at his meager response, voice somehow even softer.

sanji lets out a quiet, humorless chuckle before taking your hands in his. he doesn't say anything, waiting, until finally you look up to meet his eyes. "why?" he asks when you do.

you look confused. "what do you mean?"

he raises one of his hands to tentatively cup your cheek, eyes full of tenderness and concern. "are you... unhappy with the way you look?" he asks carefully, trying not to word it in a way that could be misconstrued. when your eyebrows furrow deeper, he hurries to add, "because you’re-"

"no," you cut him off before he can undoubtedly shower you in praise, "no, it's not that." and then you add, cheeks flushing, "um. thank you, though."

sanji offers you a brief smile, his hand falling from your cheek and rejoining the other with yours, before frowning again. "is it my cooking, then? sweetness, if there's ever anything you don't like-"

"no, not at all," you cut him off again, this time with more certainty as you shake your head. "i love your cooking."

“then?" he prompts lightly when you don't say anything else.

one of your feet begins to flicker back and forth like a light switch against the deck, giving away your restlessness. you’re back to looking everywhere but at sanji, at his eyes. "i'm just... not hungry."

as if on cue, your stomach lets out another low growl, causing your blush to deepen in embarrassment. sanji wants to smirk at you, poke fun at how cute you look flustered like this, but the noise reignites his guilt. reminds him how you’d gotten to this state without him even noticing.

"your stomach says differently," he simply states. sanji pulls his hands away from yours before standing up and offering one back to you. you don't hesitate to take it, and he effortlessly helps you rise to your feet. "c'mon. let's get some food in you."

your wince at his words doesn't go unnoticed by him. he gives your hand, still in his as you both make your way towards the kitchen, a short squeeze before murmuring softly, "wanna tell me about it? you don't have to if you don't want to."

to be honest, he's surprised you've been so receptive to him thus far. he doesn't want to push his luck, your grace, because if he did-- if he made you feel uncomfortable, if you began to avoid him because of it-- well, it would feel crushing, that’s for sure.

the nervousness in sanji’s chest continues to blossom as you say nothing for a few steps. however, it’s swiftly replaced with concern when you do respond, your voice heavy with exhaustion. "like i mentioned before, it's because of my anxiety." you sigh once again, weighed down by your words. "sometimes it just gets... bad. i don't know why. i'm not even really sure if there is a reason, to be honest. it just happens every now and then."

the two of you have reached the kitchen by now. he silently holds the door open for you before leading you to a barstool at the kitchen island and walking around it to the sink to wash his hands. he holds his cigarette between his lips as he begins to gather ingredients from various shelves and cabinets and places them on the island between you.

“the anxiety makes me feel... full, i guess?” you continue. “i don't feel hungry, and i definitely don't feel like eating. and i feel so nauseated because of it, too. thinking about eating makes it worse. so does seeing or smelling food." you sigh. "i know i have to eat. i guess... i just didn't notice that i hadn't really eaten recently.”

sanji turns away from you, taking a final drag of his cigarette before snuffing it out and tossing it away. “you didn’t notice?”

“...i guess i didn't want to notice." you sigh for what seems to be the millionth time and sanji feels his heart twist. “noticing means admitting something’s not... okay.”

sanji hums once you trail off, signaling to you that he heard you and understood.

you start up again after a few moments of silence, restlessness shining through once more. “it’s not really that big of a deal, though. you don’t have to worry-- don’t worry about it. it’ll pass. it always does, eventually.”

sanji doesn’t respond, instead staring at the amalgamation of ingredients he had gathered specifically for you. his eyebrows draw together as he mentally rifles through countless recipes, determined to find the right one for you at this moment. something light, since you hadn't eaten properly in a little bit. no strong scents, either, except maybe ginger since that’s good with nausea. a variety of flavors and textures, to keep it fun. it’s early, so breakfast foods-- that means the bananas, yogurt--

"are you mad at me?” you ask timidly.

he freezes, mouth slightly parting in surprise before standing straight, his attention now entirely on you. "of course not, sweetness.”

"you seem upset.”

sanji takes a beat to process your words. he thought he'd been hiding his reaction well, but apparently not. "i suppose... i’m upset at myself,” he finally admits to you.

you frown. “why?”

he offers you a consoling smile, “you haven't been eating well and i hadn't noticed." he realizes you’ve reminded him for the third time that day that he’s only human-- as much as he wants to keep it to himself, to not burden you with his thoughts, he knows he stands no chance at resisting you. who could?

“but i didn't even notice," you insist.

he feels his adoration of you helplessly grow at your rebuttal. “true, but it isn’t your job to make sure all of our crewmates are well fed and healthy. it is mine."

“fine, but we're pirates,” you shoot back almost immediately. “we should all be taking care of ourselves-- i should be taking care of myself."

he chuckles at your fervency, the warm sound filling the room. “i get the feeling you’re not going to let me win this one."

"i didn't realize there was anything to win,” you grumble, making sanji laugh harder. when he glances over at you, he sees you're smiling, causing his own to widen.

sanji works in a comfortable silence for a few moments, his smile remaining on his face as he feels your eyes on him. he takes a step back when he’s done, admiring his handiwork before proudly presenting you with a small bowl and steaming mug. “made especially for you: peanut butter yogurt topped with diced bananas and granola, served with a cup of ginger herbal tea.”

simple, but he knows that’s always best when feeling nauseous. the cold yogurt should help settle your stomach, and the peanut butter provides extra protein which he had heard could help with nausea, similar to the ginger and bananas. and the granola ties it all together with its crunch.

you give him a genuine smile as your eyes glaze over the meal he had prepared before looking back up at him. “thanks, sanji.” you pause for a moment before adding, “are you okay?”

“what?” he asks, taken aback, then chuckles slightly. “aren’t i supposed to be asking you that?”

only you, he thinks to himself affectionately. only you would share something you’d been struggling with and then ask him if he was feeling okay. ever thoughtful, ever sweet.

his question seems to embarrass you and sanji can’t help the warmth that spreads in his chest as your ears turn red. “maybe not... one hundred percent, but better.” you meet his eyes again, your smile returning. “definitely better.”

his own smile grows uncontrollably wide as he leans over the island to place his hand on yours. “then, sweetness, i’m okay, too.”

[haveafuckingfanfic]

*Wisdom Saga Spoilers*

CW for spoilers and TW for mental health, PTSD, S1 and Su1cide.

Many people have probably touched on this, but in the last minute of the song ‘Love In Paradise’ we hear about Odysseus’ time on Calypso’s island. He clearly is still clearly struggling with the death of Telemachus and the rest of his crew.

These lines stand out to me:

“‘Odyseus?’”

“‘All I hear are screams…’”

“‘Ody, get away from the ledge.’”

“‘You don’t know what I’ve gone through! You don’t know what I’ve sacrificed! Every comrade I long knew, every friend, I saw them die! All I hear are screams...’”

“‘You will be fine dear, come back inside dear. Love of my life comeback~

‘Every time I close my eyes…’

‘~to paradise. I know your life’s been hard, I’ll stay inside~’

‘All I hear are scream!’

‘~your heart.~’

‘All I hear are screams!!~’

‘I love your mind dear, all of our time here. Life would be so much worse if you had died.~’

‘~Just let me close my eyes!’

~Please stay away from harm. Stay in my open arms.’”

Jorge captured the affects of PTSD so well. As a PTSD survivor, it hit home. The depression that sets in after a traumatic event is very intense and can be overwhelming. For survivors, we enter a stage of our bodies and minds trying to make sense and process what had happened. This is shown by the lyric above where Ody says he hears the screams of his crew over and over.

Often time we don’t understand that the event we went through was even traumatic at all. In an effort, our brains replay the events as a way for us to process it and it often just ends up causing *more* pain without proper help. Without help, we can dive into depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. This is clearly shown in Odysseus as well, since his brain isn’t processing what happened he then blames himself for the deaths of his crew and doesn’t know to how to live and cope with such a large tragedy.

This is also where the behavior of pushing others away comes in. This is a common behavior when you are depressed. It’s something that feels too large or traumatic to ‘burden’ others with. We withdraw the more our brain loops and struggles to understand.

If your brain doesn’t comprehend the trauma or make sense of it, it searches for escapes. Thus where suicidal ideation, hyper-sexuality, and self harm is introduced. It serves as a distraction, a way to cope or a way out of the pain. That’s why we find Odysseus contemplating and attempting suicide. He wants a way away from the way his mine plays and replays his trauma. He sees no other way out and is driven to the cliff. There’s a level of exhaustion that comes with constantly dealing with trauma, that exhaustion will also fuel suicidal thoughts.

And to circle back to the beginning, with PTSD survivors we experience a heightened sense of danger. Our fight or flight is on 24/7, so we will be slow to trust and quick to be on guard. Odysseus is showing these symptoms too, he does not trust Calypso and is quick to let her know that he doesn’t trust her.

So to cap this off, I feel so incredibly seen as a PTSD survivor. The things we go through when we are coping with our trauma and what comes with it are demonstrated clearly in this song. Thank you Jorge💗💗💗

[hiiragi7]

hi there!! i've been reading some of the discussions you've had & many of them are super informative and some comforting to read from the perspective of someone who's questioning if they might be plural/have a CDD. i really appreciate ur blog & the views and experiences u share on it, it feels like a warm hug amidst The Horrors of Syscourse.

i've had something on my mind though. this is probably a silly question, but it's possible to have a CDD without (C)PTSD, right? admittedly i'm kind of just asking this for reassurance while i'm on my own discovery journey. like. i have experienced traumatic events and some of it is ongoing & i'm still living with the people responsible, but i don't think i fit the PTSD criteria due to not experiencing flashbacks or strong emotions related to the events—i usually just feel totally empty & detached from it. i still believe i've been negatively affected by the events hence considering them traumatic, but that doesn't include any kind of flashbacks.

i've been trying to look into it & find answers but i've seen a lot of conflating of having experienced trauma with having PTSD, so most of what i find is "can you be plural/have a CDD without trauma" discourse.

i think it'd be neat to see more conversations about this but free to ignore this ask if u don't want to answer it/if u don't feel equipped to! wishing u the best. have a great day!!

This is actually a very interesting question.

I've read a lot of medical literature on trauma, and each author in the field seems to define what qualifies as PTSD or PTSD symptoms differently, which also lines up with my own experiences with medical professionals in practice. In general, me simply being traumatized was enough for me to be given an automatic PTSD diagnosis, regardless of which therapist or psychiatrist I saw. Some professionals I saw were very specific with what they called what, others were a lot more loose with it.

I've seen a lot of differing definitions and academic debate over what qualifies as a flashback, dissociation, a posttraumatic symptom, and so on. That is to say, it can all be very vague.

For example, there are other forms of flashbacks that exist outside of the well-known ones; some people only relive traumatic events emotionally, or through repeated thought processes, or somatic pain. A lot aren't even aware these are flashbacks, because it's experienced as 'random' emotions or pain or spirals or some other response, and a lot have trouble figuring out what even triggers these responses.

Would these experiences fall under what we call flashbacks in PTSD? Well, it probably depends on who you ask. And, in practice, whether someone with these experiences gets diagnosed with PTSD or a mood disorder or a personality disorder or somatic pain syndrome depends on the medical professional evaluating them.

To further complicate it, a lot of people don't experience overt c/PTSD symptoms until they are no longer living in the traumatic situation, which, for people who develop cPTSD, means they may not show obvious symptoms until a very, very long time after the trauma started. I didn't start getting "classic" PTSD flashbacks and "waking up in a panic attack in the middle of the night" type nightmares about the trauma until I wasn't around the people who did it anymore. However, I have experienced many other trauma-related symptoms and heavy dissociation ever since I was very very little. Before I was diagnosed with PTSD in highschool, I was diagnosed with a lot of other things first.

There's also just the fact that, for whatever reason, people don't all develop the same symptoms in response to trauma. Some people with very complex trauma never experience classic PTSD symptoms. Some people are very dissociative and numb, or develop mood disorders, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or somatic symptoms, or eating disorders, or some combination of things. Some people never externally harm themselves or cope using substances while others develop addictions to these things.

In addition, some people's experiences with trauma don't fall under the PTSD criteria's definition of trauma, so even if other symptoms are present they don't "technically" fit criteria. And sometimes medical professionals use their own judgement and diagnose these people with PTSD anyway, and sometimes they don't.

Plenty of people diagnosed with other childhood trauma-based disorders besides CDDs also don't fit c/PTSD criteria or show many c/PTSD symptoms or receive a comorbid c/PTSD diagnosis for whatever reason. It's complicated and messy.

This is all to say, I've encountered medical professionals who treat PTSD as synonymous with "traumatized" and are very loose with what they call PTSD and I've also encountered medical professionals who are very strict about the criteria and are very insistent on only diagnosing people who fit that, and I've met a lot of professionals somewhere in the middle as well. I've also encountered plenty who would much rather focus on helping the symptoms than on what the diagnosis is or isn't, and who don't really like the way mental health diagnosis is structured in the first place.

So, to come back to your question... I don't think there really is an objective answer to it, though personally I'd just say "sure it's possible, and I wouldn't really worry about it much."

In the end, what I've found is that it doesn't actually really matter that much? Regardless of whether there is comorbid PTSD or whether there isn't (or whether it's delayed onset or etc), in the end what you're dealing with if you have a CDD is still trauma, and the treatment for that is more or less the same, regardless of what you call it. There might be differences in, say, approaches to medication specifically, or specific symptoms, but even that is often just throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. Honestly, in my experience, treatment mostly looks different based on symptoms and individual needs rather than diagnoses, really.

In general, I find that a lot of people dealing with trauma and mental illness tend to over-focus on diagnosis and getting it right and trying to figure out whether they "really" have something or whether they're mistaken or somehow faking or so on. I think that's an unhelpful approach to it; there's no objective way to confirm that sort of thing, and either way you still need ways to cope with your symptoms, and coping skills are useful regardless of diagnosis. Learning how to ground yourself is useful regardless of whether you "really" dissociate that bad, learning emotional regulation skills is useful regardless of whether you "really" have severe mood swings, learning calming techniques and self-care and how to be gentle with yourself are good things for everyone to learn, coping skills are not just for people with certain diagnoses. In fact, you don't even need a diagnosis of anything to do these things.

And with trauma, like... it's all just trauma processing in the end, really.

I'll even go as far to say that even if you don't have PTSD, books and resources for PTSD might still be useful to you if you have a CDD or another trauma-related disorder, since a lot of symptoms overlap with other disorders and especially with trauma the recommendations for what to do about it tend to be applicable to a lot of different situations outside of strictly PTSD.

I realize I rambled a long time just to say "well, it's complicated and depends on what we mean by PTSD, but also it's all trauma anyway" but I hope this was helpful still?

I'm also glad to hear what you said about my blog, it was very nice to read.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Hellooo i’m sending you a request if you’re up for it (it’s heavy, sorry 😑) What if Y/N and Harry were good friends and a bit more, but she has been sexually molested as a child and she has never told anyone apart from her mom and her therapist. And they’re coming home from a very cute date but she starts feeling really bad when they start making out and he wants more… (I’m not sure if she’d tell him though)

Hello friend! Yes of course! I think it's important to have stories like this revolving around traumas and painful situations that are very real and that so many people have experienced and it's important to acknowledge that. I appreciate you sending this request in! I apologize for the delay, I've been so busy so it took me a bit to have some time to sit down and write this I definitely didn't want to half-ass something this important, so thank you for your patience. I I hope it lives up to your expectations 🫶🏻

And of course, if you or someone you know has been SA'ed it is never too late to get the mental health help you need to start the healing process and to work through this trauma. You deserve closure, healing, and all of the unconditional love & support that therapy can provide! 🩷

Warnings: Mentions of childhood SA (nothing detailed, it's more of a narrative timeline) but can be extremely triggering, description of panic attack symptoms

Truthfully, Y/N had been really nervous to date Harry. He was one of her best friends ever and she was just nervous that if they crossed that line and didn’t actually work that it would make their friendship weird for a bit. However, that wasn’t the case at all. Harry had been extremely thoughtful with how they transitioned from friends to more. They already spent a lot of time together, but he was far more intentional to adding alone time with her now. And when they would it was easier for them to flirt, to touch, to openly show their feelings for each other without their friends teasing them about it or something. It was really nice; it felt so natural to hold hands to be nonstop giggling and making eyes at each other. They had so much fun together.

“It’s not a competition, you know?” Harry mumbled softly as he briefly glanced over to the ceramic mug she was painting and he chuckled.

“It never is when you’re not the best at something.” She teased with a giggle and he scoffed and she peered up at him to see him playfully glaring at her.

“I’m just not artsy or creative in this respect.” He defended himself.

“Neither am I. I just steal creative people’s ideas off of Pinterest.” She said as she painted another little smiley face onto her mug and he chuckled.

“Despicable.” He muttered as he just made another big stroke onto his mug. He had just gone for a vertical rainbow theme because he couldn’t be arsed with all the little details that she was working on. She giggled as she put the finishing touches on her mug. She hadn’t even done anything that complex. Her mug was a white base color and she had just drawn a bunch of little colorful smiley faces around it.

“What color should I do the handle?” She asked and he glanced up at her work.

“Mmm… the yellow.” He suggested. And she hummed and went straight for that color and started painting the handle. “Are we exchanging mugs?” She asked.

“If you want to.” Harry responded as he added his final layer to the color he has just put down.

“Just so we have little reminders of each other.” She shrugged and he smiled.

“You already live in my head rent free, love” He assured flirtatiously, “But I’m not opposed to more.” He added.

“Settled then.” She smiled as she put the paintbrush down.

After another few minutes they were turning their mugs in to the girl up front and she let them know they could come by in a couple of days to pick up their mugs. They thanked her and left the little shop. Harry's arm draped over her shoulder and pulled her close as they made the walk back to his car.

"Are you hungry at all? Even just for a snack? Or do you want to come back to mine for a drink and a film? Or I can just drop you off at home." he said and she leaned her head against his shoulder as they walked.

She wanted to go to his and watch a film but she was nervous that it would lead to more. Harry was really respectful though and she felt comfortable around him and quite safe, which would be enough to make anyone else just trust him and agree to going over. But that's the issue, she had felt safe around the people in her life growing up only for someone to violate that trust. And logically she knew Harry would never even think of doing something to hurt her but a part of her would always be on the fence, she couldn't trust anyone blindly ever again.

"Y/N?" he asked again she snapped out of her thoughts.

"Oh ummm, let's just go to yours." she said to him and he nodded. She just decided to do what she wanted to do because she deserved a shot at a normal relationship. She deserved to be with someone that made her happy. She deserved to feel beautiful and desired by someone who she also saw in the same way. She deserved to be happy.

Being a single mom and mother to three daughters, her mom had been so thorough and open about SA and about what was considered inappropriate for any man or woman to say or do to them at any age. And she had told them that if anything ever happened to any of them that they could trust each other and that they would always believe each other. Y/N was only 10 when a close family friend molested her, so when this man had done what he did she was fully aware that he had in fact molested her. She was afraid to say anything because he had threatened her and warned her about what would happen if she told anyone. In her mind she thought this meant that it was a one time thing and that he'd leave her alone from then on. But then he came back a second time and a third time. But that third time was when he decided to get personal satisfaction out of it and she knew that he only escalate his actions from then on so despite all the fear in her body she told her mom immediately after and she took the necessary legal steps and got her in to see a therapist just a week later. People assumed that speaking up sooner somehow "helps" survivors, but in reality that's a bunch of bullshit. You could speak up right away but that thing still happened to you. Whether it's happened once or multiple times, you're still affected by it. The man even went to jail, but that didn't take away that part of her that she felt had been stolen from her.

During her Uni years she joined a therapy and support group of adult survivors of childhood SA and in hearing the stories of some of the people there she felt like she wasn't trying hard enough to overcome her own trauma. She just needed to take matters into her own hands and move on. So she started to see a guy that she really liked and she fell in love with him and she decided that she wanted him to be her first. She knew she wasn't ready for sex, but she loved the guy so she thought she'd at least try. And things were alright until he was about to finish and she just had to stop. She had a full blown panic attack and after that time she just kept to herself. Her friends would always try and set her up with people but she didn't want to explain everything to them. She mainly talked her to mum, sisters, or therapist about it when she needed to talk about it. She didn't want people to look at her like she a victim or like something was wrong with her. She had come through a lot of her trauma, but sometimes she'd experience the hurt again or get triggered by things and it felt like she'd made no progress at all. It was a long uphill battle.

So when Harry asked her out she immediately talked to her therapist about it because she wanted this to work with him. She met Harry in school when they were about 12. Their family had moved after what had been done to her and he was one of the first friends she'd made in school. They'd grown up together, they'd been friends forever, and while she had liked him on and off for many years, when he asked her out he told her that he'd loved her since they were 16 years old and that he had never tried anything before because he wanted to have his shit together when they finally dated and well, it was mostly together now. She was working extra hard in therapy because she didn't want to have a panic attack when he was about to blow his load again. She craved to be physically intimate with him and she wanted to be ready when the time came. She was in love with him and well, he was in love with her, it was the natural next step.

"You're so quiet, love. What's on your mind?" Harry asked her as his thumb rubbed along the side of her hand.

"Oh nothing, just thinking about random stuff." she said with a small smile and he nodded, but he wasn't sure that it was nothing.

They'd known each other for a really long time and upon them changing the nature of their relationship she became a bit more guarded than she had been in the past. It was subtle, but he knew her well and he noticed it quickly. He knew he needed to build trust with her as a partner as well, because they had it as friends, but this was an even more multifaceted and complex relationship than just a friendship. Harry wanted to build the rest of his life with her and he was eager to prove to her that he could make her happy in every way.

"Do you want tea or coffee? I also have..." he paused as he opened up his fridge, "Beer." he said as he turned to her and she smiled.

"I'm alright." she assured as she slipped out of her sneakers and padded over to the kitchen after him, "Maybe just a snack?" she asked as she meandered to his little pantry and she looked inside and saw a bag of chips. "May I?" she asked showing him.

"Course." he assured and so they headed off to his bedroom.

They got comfy and he switched on the TV before they settled on "She's the Man" a classic really. They were sitting close, the sexual tension brewing, simmering steadily between them. He knew that Y/N didn't really date all that much and that she also didn't sleep with people for fun so he didn't want to move to quickly when she was evidently more slow about that so he was pleasantly surprised when she called his name and just looked at him for a moment before she reached up to kiss him. He kissed her back tenderly, but kiss after kiss, things started to escalatate.

Y/N's body was buzzing, she wanted him so badly. She was turned on, which was not something that happened to her often. And she couldn't help it but desire to be closer to him. It was completely instinctual when she reached around his neck and pulled him down to her as she settled herself into his mattress. Their lips smeared together sloppily and desperately, they were breathing hard and their hearts were beating fast. Harry made a move to escalate things by straddling her lap and suddenly the good feelings went away and her skin started to crawl with fear and disgust. His weight over her made her feel discomfort and her stomach started to twist. She felt his erection pressing into her and it suddenly felt like too much as her mind flashed back to the past. She couldn't help it as her tears started to fall and her breathing shallowed.

"Stop. Stop. Stop. Please stop." she mumbled and Harry immediately moved off of her and she sat up and started to cry. She was struggling to catch her breath and he frowned.

"Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter." he asked her with concern. She was gasping for air through her tears and so he reached for her hand that was over her chest and she flinched and his frown deepened. Was she afraid of him, "Y/N, love." he called to her, "S'just me." he said extending his hand to her and she took it and squeezed it tight, "I'm here. I'm right here." he assured her as she started to calm herself, it seemed like she had done this before and that made his heart break. "I'm sorry if I pushed you too far. I should've asked before I did that, I'm sorry." he apologized with so much sincerity in his eyes and she shook her head.

"You didn't do anything wrong." she sniffled as she squeezed his hand, "It's me." she said and he frowned, "I'm ummm..." she stopped and started to cry again harder. Her cries turned into full on sobs.

"Oh love." He said softly, "Can I hold you? Is that OK?" he asked her and she nodded.

"Please." she whimpered and he just scooted in beside her and pulled her into his arms.

"I've got you." he assured her quietly and held her until she had calmed down enough that she could breathe normally again she was just quiet as he held her for a bit.

The thing that kept coming up in therapy over the last 2 sessions was the topic of her opening up to Harry about what had happened to her. She knew he would understand, but she was afraid that he'd view her as damaged or a victim or that he'd just feel sorry for her all the time. She didn't want him to think of her like that and opening up to him provided opportunity for that to happen. Her therapist reminded her that it would help him understand her better and be more patient with her as their relationship progressed. She had even informed Y/N that sex therapy was a thing they could look into in the future to help her be able to take control of her sexuality again. She had expressed to her therapist the want to have a healthy sexual relationship with Harry and she loved him, she hoped that he'd be the person she had kids with, she was looking ahead and she wanted to have it all with him, but she couldn't tell him yet.

"I'm so sorry." she finally said and he shook his head.

"No, love. Don't be sorry, it's alright." he assured and she shook her head.

"It's not. It's really not and-"

"Hey, I'm not with you just to have sex." he said to her, "Do I want to, yeah! Of course." he said and she sniffled, "But I love you and I don't need that to be happy with you and it certainly doesn't change how I feel about you. We can take our time, yeah? " he assured her and she sighed.

"Like I...want that too, I want to just do whatever I want with you but i just...I can't yet." she said softly, "And I'm scared. I love you and I trust you but I am so scared." she said and he nodded.

"That's OK. I'm scared as well of like...how this will change everything, but you're worth it to me. You're worth all the hard work I've put in on myself, I've been trying to get better all this time so that I could be good enough for you." he said and she turned in his hold and looked at him.

"Seriously?" she asked and he nodded with a caring smile.

"Yeah, love. Told you, I've loved you forever. I always will love you, there's no doubt about it." he smiled and she exhaled shakily.

"Oh, I love yo so much." she said and hugged him tight and he hugged her back. "I want to be open with you about everything and I...I just need a little time t-to be able to explain why I am the way I am." she said and he pulled back from her hold and grabbed her face.

"Look at me." he said and her glassy eyes met his, "There's nothing wrong with the way you are. And of course I want to know everything there is to know about you, but somethings just take time, OK? So don't feel like you need to push yourself on my account. I will be here with open arms and all the love in the world whenever you're ready, OK?" he said to her and she nodded and he wiped a few tears from her cheeks.

"Thank you." she said with so much gratitude. He had no idea how much what he said meant to her.

"No need to thank me, love." he assured and she smiled, "I know you'd be patient and understanding with me too." he said and she nodded.

"Yeah." she smiled, "Can I have another kiss?" she asked and he looked at her for a moment, "Promise I won't cry." she smiled and he shook his head.

"That' not what I was thinking." he said with a small chuckle.

"Then what?" she asked and his smiled dropped a bit.

"I just want to help make it better, whatever it is." he said and she had so much adoration for him in her eyes.

"You already are." she assured him and he smiled and kissed her lips once more.

"Want to have a cuddle?" he asked against her lip and she nodded, "C'mon then, love." he said as he leaned back against the pillows and she fit herself against his side. She would have to let her therapist know that she hadn't been able to tell Harry about her past yet, but she'd taken a step forward, a small step but it was a step in the right direction and for that, she was extremely proud of herself.

[eatmangoesnekkid]

The Kill: To Come Fully Alive in Your Female Body is to Know How to Give Death Like a Country Woman Who Knows How to Process Her Home-Grown, Organically-Raised Chickens When It's Time

How I Reprogram My Cells With New Narratives Using My Imagination and After Care (My Gift to Readers On Tumblr)

I'm almost 48 years old and every month my body releases a healthy beautiful egg because it is still trying to have a big chunky baby.

I'm not peri-menopausal yet but will be using this year to reprogram my tissues with new narratives around menopause beyond the dehydrating stories I can feel trapped in my female line. The keycode here is that it takes time so you must begin now....early.

I'm deeply a strategic and proactive woman in all my fairy playfulness and do not dissociate from any cycle of my body or womanhood in any way. Instead I spend time reprogramming my cells and lovingly planting new narratives into my body, in this case, around the experience of menopause. No doctor will prescribe pills or other substances for my natural female cycles that I have already falling in love with. The keycode here is that your love for the process is essential.

I find comfort in the present moment and I also find comfort in imagining and projecting into the future. I do not fear menopause. I do not hold common expectations that it will be difficult or dry out my pussy or my libido will fall as the culture teaches. I am clear that I won't need hormonal medication. I consciously use my energy to envision myself in the details of what I desire in life as a radiant, flexible, wet, high libido, sassy, symptom-free menopausal woman. But I don't just envision, I feel the emotions of being radiant, flexible, wet, etc. OUR EMOTIONS CONNECT US INTO THE UNIVERSE.

I am often lightyears ahead of what we call "time." Ancient-future. I am planting cosmic seeds now BEFORE my menopause years and continue to take action in the desired direction through staying active and continuing to work on my flexibility and inner beauty—forgiving, clearing, letting go, and dreaming. “Yoh, the fuck you mean ‘wait and see, ’” I thought to myself after a woman waiting in line with me at the airport said that menopause will be the worst time of my life. I responded back in the gentlest manner, " Ma'am, my menopause will not be difficult and I will not feel hot nor lose my high libido.” Haha I said that to her and continued, “I'm not an average woman and anm already programming my future menopausal years in which I rest well at night and wake up aroused for the day. I appreciate your well-intentioned words but they do not apply to me nor do I consent to that experience. I’m such a weird one—not regular. Never been.” The keycode here is that you must be willing to cut people off at the neck who subtly lead life from a victimized position about their own bodies and attempt to place that same energy onto you, even with well-meaning intentions. She was a lovely woman otherwise —and I knew she meant well but I also knew that she giving me feedback on what lives deep in my body, in the hidden and unconscious. I can’t see it but I felt it in our interaction. Therefore I wasn’t really metaphorically cutting HER neck off. I was starting the journey of severing the part of my female lineage that feels the same way as she does. I will repeat this process over and over again in my imagination, then begin the journey of self-soothing my tissues and nervous system with lots of intentional massage, juicing, and rest. What we give death to is still a valuable part that our psyches will miss interacting with, a part that up to now has made us feel safe and held. Lots of self-soothing and letting our tissues know that we will be okay without this aspect of self are essential after care.

I always ask the earth for support and speak my desires into the orange trees as I'm picking fruit, walking through a park, or hiking. The keycode here is that you need initiate support from another divine authority, whether nature, God, your ancestors, etc.

I permit myself to see my future menopausal self being juicy and abundant.

I have always lived my life this way--often 2-3 steps ahead of the game, laughing and playing a lot along the way.

Too many women and other female bodied people are stuck and trapped by the trauma they have programmed to believe about themselves (their cells). It's important that you remember who you are--a magical woman and experience this reality lightheartedly, playfully, and magically accordingly. The keycode here is that your playfulness and lightheartedness help to release any resistances. They become your fuel and battery propelling you forward into your next level or landing you directly into a quantum leap.

Maybe you aren’t concerned about menopause yet but you can apply these key codes to any other aspects of your life. --India Ame'ye, Author

[lakesbian]

Aisha smiled, shrugged, and hopped up so she was sitting on the end of the kitchen counter. “What? There’s a movie I want to see this afternoon with my friends.”

“Not your call, bro, I’m not living with you yet,” she raised a double-set of middle fingers his way.

okay to set brian aside for a moment. because i have nothing to say about him presently except loud continuous wheezing that transforms into piteous sniffling as i think about how tragic his circumstances actually are and then back into wheezing as i think about how fucking funny he's being about them. and also because aisha is the most special girl.

i actually wonder about the line where she references seeing a movie with her friends a lot. i don't know how much thought was put into it from the authorial end, but two other details we know about her are:

when we next see her after leviathan, she never mentions these friends again

her entire character is defined by the trauma of craving connection and validation while being deeply lonely and misperceived, and alec Understanding Her, Liking Her, and Being On The Same Wavelength As Her is why their friendship is life-altering amounts of meaningful for her

like, you kind of have to wonder about what her social life was like before leviathan & her trigger event dragged her away from normal life and into the caping world. shit sucked for her--she had abusive, neglectful parents and an older brother who was running himself into the ground & intermittently turning into his father in an attempt to take care of her--but it was at least normal enough that she could go watch a movie with friends. but the fact that she so easily, and without indication of feeling like she's leaving anything of value behind, absconds from that normal life + into the caping world, and the fact that loneliness and being misperceived is integral to her trauma and character arc, sort of makes me wonder if her friendships Weren't All That. if she did technically have friends, but was still the odd girl who gets tolerated in large part because she's funny. if sometimes she was in detention for "acting out" (having symptoms of adhd) in class while everyone else was going to the mall. i dunno. did she ever feel out of place and invisible at a sleepover even though no one was being explicitly mean to her. just, like, because she wasn't Clicking in the same way as other people. i don't think she had a Best Friend, but i think maybe sometimes she wished she did. i wonder abt her. i think she was quietly lonely.

the other thing is that we know that if she Really did not want to live with brian she would have already fucked off into the sunset or made the process far more difficult for him. that "not living with you Yet" means she Does anticipate living with him Eventually and doesn't actually have to be dragged kicking and screaming into it. she texted brian for help on the day he triggered...despite all her grievances he is her big brother & she loves and trusts him and is going to stick with him. and also justifiably and correctly give him double middle fingers when he tries to control whether or not she goes to see a movie

[intrulogical]

Janus is my fave but Remus is a close second. I find it so interesting how he's the character who's the hardest to get a read on by faaaar. It's actually the reason why I've been looping forbidden fruit so much (alongside it being a bop), because I wanted to try and understand his mindset better.

Something that really jumped out at me is that the very first lines, even before he introduces himself as the duke, are about Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit and gain knowledge/self awareness at the price of sinning and eventually dying. He then really goes on about Thomas learning to know himself and how everyone already sins and dies anyways (so it's not like taking a bite from the forbidden fruit will change anything except the gaining of self awareness).

I think that regardless of whatever specific goals Remus has, he's overall guided by the value of wanting to give people knowledge and self awareness, desiring to dig up everything buried and repressed and bring it to light.

We can see in wtit how that seems to be his main purpose as well. All of the intrusive thoughts he gives Thomas betray an underlying anxiety about loneliness and being abandoned by Nico (or maybe the anxiety about being alone is what caused him to latch onto Nico - it's Virgil that ended up pushing Thomas towards Nico after all - but now he's terrified that Nico will ditch him). Remus is trying to bring those issues to the surface to have Thomas begin to work through them in a way, except Logan (with all of his good intentions and care for Thomas) keeps providing distractions and those distractions - as much as they help alleviate the symptoms - allow Thomas to keep repressing the thoughts.

Honestly, the more I think about it the more I love the double meaning of the title of the episode. Thomas isn't really working through his intrusive thoughts and trying to process them. He's working while he has intrusive thoughts, as if he's working through loud and annoying music he has to simply grit his teeth and endure.

...that was a ramble and a half, sorry. I've been really desperate for someone to talk about the series with XD

OH MY GOD, THIS IS PERFECT

i've always loved remus and his role of self-awareness. i always perceived his role as intrusive thoughts to be somewhat of an alarm clock— his general Presence means there's something that thomas is ignoring. i LOVE the idea that remus is connected to self-recognition because we have to remember he is forbidden THOUGHTS. not emotions, THOUGHTS. i kind of see him as a parallel to logan in a way, where they both dispense truths about thomas' way of life, but because they're so harsh and rooted in the reality thomas wants to ignore, they both get ignored. i could go in detail but i'll probs save it since this is technically not a remus logan post

if you need more wtit analysis by the way, @orbmanson7 has some for wtit that i really like! u can go enjoy some juice there. never feel bad about sending me asks like this (or even messaging!) bc i LOVE talking about sasi meta. i sometimes pop into orb's dm's at random just to entertain another thought i have 😭

[pudgecuddles]

Proof Of Concept: Mad Science

[It's been a really weird week so what better way to cope than to check in on your magnum opus again? lol]

Namjoon Breast Growth & WG, Jin Route:

Synopsis thus far: Namjoon works for Jin’s company where he was accidentally exposed to a chemical that, unbeknownst to Namjoon, causes breast growth and weight gain. He decides to call Jin for help only for his boss to take him deeper into the facility…

-

The elevator opened up to a mostly empty, blue walled hallway. Too dizzy to turn his head left or right, all Namjoon could immediately see was a handful of unlabeled metal doors. Interestingly, there were no door handles or visible card scanners to be found. Still helping Namjoon stay upright, Dr. Kim promptly walked them both to the closest door. As the doctor drew near, Namjoon heard a cheerful beep and the door slid open. Proximity sensors? “Here we go, Namjoon-ssi.” Dr. Kim led him to an actually very comfortable, if not pretty large, hospital cot. It was soft and smelt freshly washed. Namjoon flopped backwards in relief. Even with his eyes closed, his head was spinning. “Oh man… Thank you Dr. Kim.” Namjoon sighed. “A minute longer and I think I would have puked.” “It's the least I can do.” Dr. Kim’s voice came from the other side of the bed-like cot. “We want to make sure you’re comfortable during your stay here.” “Oh! You don’t need to worry about that.” Namjoon quickly assures. “I swear, I’ll be out of your hair and back to work as soon as my symptoms improve. I wouldn’t want to trouble you for longer than necessary.” “Hmm,” Dr. Kim didn’t pause in whatever he was fiddling with outside of Namjoon’s vision, “And how are you feeling right now, Namjoon-ssi?” The older man asked, brushing off what his new patient had just said. “Umm…” Namjoon took a second to give himself a small check up, “I’m really dizzy; vertigo, nausea, fever possibly? I’m pretty sweaty and uh- a bit bloated.” Glancing down at his middle, Namjoon saw an puffy bump where a flat stomach should've been. Dr. Kim looked over at that. “Yes, that all lines up. It’s been around 20 minutes after the exposure, are you sure you don’t feel anything else? Just nauseous?” “I really do-” A loud gurgle from Namjoon’s stomach cuts him off. “Oh! Oh god, I am so hungry.” A sudden rush of hunger overtakes Namjoon. “Good, good. That’s typical.” Dr. Kim smiles, reaching down to palpate Namjoon’s belly. His fingers pressed and prodded against the surprisingly soft flesh of his new tummy. “Yes. It seems to be coming long nicely.” Dr. Kim commented, giving Namjoon’s now plush belly a condescending pat, watching it barely wobble. “I-I’m sorry, Dr. Kim, but I don’t understand…” Namjoon whispered. “What’s happening to me?” “Let’s get an IV in you.” Dr. Kim ignored him. “The hunger indicates that your body is asking for nutrients.” “An IV? Can’t I just eat something?” Okay, so he wasn’t going to be getting much information out of the director. Namjoon understood that their client’s serums were supposed to be the private equivalent of state secrets. Of course he wouldn’t be allowed to know what they did… That was what’s happening, right? Dr. Kim began prepping an IV line, pulling out a bag of clear liquid. “Nil per os. Nothing by mouth, young man. Solid food could choke you if you ate too fast. We can’t compromise the process.” Process... Namjoon gulped, half out of nerves, half to swallow down the saliva produced from thinking about food.

“Y-you said no solid food, right? So, something like a protein shake or- or mashed potatoes would be okay then?” Dr. Kim paused, a thoughtful look forming on his face. “I can try it.” He assented, starting to put away the IV. “I’ll have to hook you up with a feeding tube, though. You wont be able to talk.” Any panic Namjoon felt at the thought of being muted for who knows how long they’ll have him hooked up, was washed away by another painful wave of hunger. “Ngh! I don’t care, Doctor! I just need it in me! Please I’m so hungry!” An intense, but unreadable expression appeared on Dr. Kim’s face. “Again.” Namjoon whined, “What?” “Ask me again.” “I’m hungry, Doctor. P-please give me the tube…” Namjoon teared up. The pain was getting worse. Dr. Kim harshly pinched a perky, hardened nipple, eliciting a cut off moan. “You will refer to me as, Sir. Understand?” Namjoon could taste bile in the back of his throat, but he was desperate at this point. “Sir! Please, I need the tube! I’m starving!” Dr. Kim chuckled mockingly, “Starving? With all of this hanging off of you?” He slapped Namjoon’s plush tummy. “Sure, I’ll play along. Here, open wide and don’t choke. We’ll try this without anesthesia first. I don’t want to add another variable to the experiment.” Namjoon’s mouth opened wide, eager to be filled up. The tube slid down impossibly easy, as if Namjoon’s gag reflex had been turned off for the day. The vague feeling of the rubber hitting his stomach was uncomfortable, but the younger man didn’t choke. Dr. Kim moved over to the other side of the actually quite large room. What Namjoon had originally thought was an exit turned out to be double doors to a large walk in refrigerator. Bags of clear fluid, blood, and plasma hung in organized rows. Dr. Kim ignored those however, instead reaching into a plastic bin. The doctor shuffled back over, a massive vacuum sealed bag of beigeish paste craddled in both arms. The thing was huge; four, maybe five liters of the stuff sloshed thickly with every step. Plopping it down on a metal table with a huff, Dr. Kim shook out his arms. “Oh, I have got to get a cart with wheels.” Namjoon absently tongued the bottom of the cold, smooth tube. Dr. Kim pulled the bag closer to the large, metal machine stood behind Namjoon’s bed, out of sight. After what sounded like metal creaking and plastic tearing, Namjoon felt the tube vibrate lightly. Sadly, he couldn’t taste the paste being pumped into him, but Namjoon could definitely feel it settling in his stomach. Finally, Namjoon moaned, eyes rolling into the back of his head. Feels so good... Dr. Kim smiled as Namjoon’s belly began to bloat outwards, the younger man’s eyes barely open. “Enjoying yourself there, Joon-ah?” The nickname sounded belittling coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Namjoon just hummed, suckling needlessly at the rubber between his plump lips.

-

It’s been a while since I’ve worked on this interactive story, and I’m not even sure if anyone would be interested in it at this point ^_^;

I still desperately want to finish it some day, hopefully before BTS finishes their military service… It’s just hard to find kinky motivation when you’re incapable of feeling arousal in any sense of the word.

Let me know if anyone would even still be interested in reading this!

It will contain 4 routes, 15 branches and 30 endings with a hopeful update for a 5th route featuring JK in the future. I would honestly consider this my most intensive project to date.

Happy to get out this little preview at least!

[bigsoftmarshmallow]

Following the note about Gerudo only really having 0.5% Gerudo ancestors.

I just find this whole thing very interesting.

But for OoT, WW, & TP, I'm reminded of one of my hcs for him (as I depict them as the same Dorf at different points in time). In which he was fathered by the king of Hyrule & is Zelda's half-sister, but that Kōme & Kotake didn't inform him of such. Who, his father, in my version, was the eldest child of the previous king & queen, meaning that both he &, through him, OoT, WW, & TP Gan, were descended from Hylia as well. Which I find poetic & ironic. Almost Shakespearean, in fact.

In such a situation, had he known, then he could've rightly claimed the title of Grand Duke, second in line to the throne of Hyrule. Which would've made obtaining the throne much easier.

And all he'd have needed to do to obtain the crown would've been to get rid of Zelda secretly.

Similarly, the Dorfs could easily leverage the fact that the Gerudo were all fathered by Hyruleans, thereby technically giving them a degree of right to Hyrule as well. Even if just through inheritance.

After all, (in the ones where Hyrule is still a thing) there may well be a large number of fathers still living in Hyrule that either weren't aware of the fact that the Gerudo ladies they slept with bore daughters. Or were kept from seeing them for one reason or another.

The thing is that not all of those men are going to be okay with just being entirely separated from their child. If Gdorf were to play their cards right, he could probably even use that to his advantage to put pressure on the king to acquiesce to whatever demands he makes & possibly even plant the seeds of a rebellion or civil war. Which, an enemy with divided interests is an enemy who’s easier to take down.

And not knowing one’s lineage also causes some issues as, if a Gerudo doesn't know any of her non-Gerudo ancestors going back the past 2-3 generations, it's entirely possible for her to accidentally sleep with someone she's closely related to & end up harming her future daughter inadvertently.

You also have to wonder about health. Like, what if it turned out that his family has a history of heart attacks, meaning he’d be more likely to experience one later in life. With such foreknowledge, it'd be easier to parry such a disgraceful end.

For instance, Equal Lady’s family on her mother’s side has a history of bone issues in their later years that, if not properly treated, can result in intense pain & bone degradation. However, because she’s aware of this familial history of hers (even though her mother left her behind as a baby), Equal Lady knows what to expect & how to mitigate such symptoms via an appropriate diet & proper remedies. If she wasn’t informed on her family’s health history, even the sides she did not care about, then she may have been using that Shikomizue (prepared cane; a cane with a sword hidden inside, stealth weapon made for sneak attacks) much earlier than she was anticipating.

Trust me, there are legitimate reasons to know one's lineage that are more strategic.

After all, if not for her grandfather, Equal Lady would've never pursued her passion for weaponsmithing & may not have ever even met Dorf.

Though honorable, she is also quite cunning.

(Of course, she isn't saying any of this to be contrarian, but more so to point out things that he may not have considered.)

This is amazing? I love the thought process about this, and just the slow domino effect it would have on the Gerudo race! Yes, every child should know both parents and sides of the family for health reasons! So many illnesses and disorders and chronic issues are genetic! I get a lot of issues from my mom's side, but since I don't speak or acknowledge my sperm donor's side, I dunno what exactly I get from them. The Gerudo should have access to Hyrule and the right to live there especially if they have children, bc they are all half Hylian, really, since it's just the Gerudo genetics are very dominate and express themselves always.

Just for you, since this post inspired me:

How would the Ganondorfs (Wind Waker, Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess, Hyrule Warriors, and Tears of the Kingdom) react to finding out that they were related to Hyrulian Royalty? Like their father was once King of Hyrule, then he passed away, and since he didn't know that he was technically the Prince of Hyrule and he was a secret affair baby, Zelda was able to claim heirship?

Wind Waker Ganondorf

Reaction: Wind Waker Ganondorf would be both shocked and intrigued by this revelation. The idea that he has royal Hyrulean blood would be a surprise, but one he would quickly consider as a potential advantage in his quest for power.

Internal Conflict: He would likely feel conflicted, knowing that his heritage ties him to the people he has always seen as enemies. However, he would also see this as an opportunity to claim legitimacy in his conquest of Hyrule.

Actions: He would investigate further to confirm the truth of his lineage. Once confirmed, he would use this information strategically, possibly to rally support or create internal strife within the Hyrulean ranks. His ultimate goal would remain the same: to conquer and rule Hyrule, but now with an added layer of personal vindication and legitimacy.

Ocarina of Time Ganondorf

Reaction: Ocarina of Time Ganondorf would be initially enraged by the revelation. The idea that he shares blood with those he has long despised would be a bitter pill to swallow. However, his strategic mind would quickly see the potential advantages.

Internal Conflict: He would struggle with feelings of betrayal and confusion, questioning his place in the world and his motivations. Despite this, his ambition would push him to use this information to his benefit.

Actions: He would likely confront Zelda and the Hyrulean Royal Family, using his newfound heritage as leverage. This could involve demanding recognition or even attempting to seize the throne through a combination of force and legal right. His actions would be driven by a mix of anger, ambition, and a desire to redefine his identity.

Twilight Princess Ganondorf

Reaction: Twilight Princess Ganondorf would be deeply affected by this revelation, as it would challenge his self-perception and long-held beliefs. His stoic demeanor might crack, revealing a more vulnerable side as he processes this new information.

Internal Conflict: He would experience a profound internal struggle, questioning his life's purpose and the nature of his destiny. The revelation of his royal lineage would force him to reevaluate his motivations and his plans for Hyrule.

Actions: After the initial shock, he would seek to understand more about his father's legacy and the circumstances of his birth. He might attempt to forge a new path that integrates his heritage with his ambitions, possibly seeking to unite the Gerudo and Hyruleans under his rule in a more just and balanced manner. His approach would be more contemplative and strategic, aiming for long-term stability.

Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf

Reaction: Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf would likely be less emotionally affected by the revelation compared to other versions. His focus on power and domination would lead him to view this new information primarily as a tool.

Internal Conflict: While he might feel a brief pang of disbelief or curiosity, his overwhelming desire for control would overshadow any deeper introspection. He would quickly turn his thoughts to how this could enhance his plans.

Actions: He would use his royal lineage to assert a stronger claim to the throne, potentially rallying those within Hyrule who are disillusioned with Zelda's rule. His tactics would involve a mix of intimidation, manipulation, and brute force. He would see this revelation as another weapon in his arsenal to achieve absolute dominance.

Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf

Reaction: Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf would be initially incredulous and skeptical of the revelation. Given his deep-seated belief in his own destiny and power, the idea of being related to Hyrulean royalty would be a complex and challenging concept for him to accept.

Internal Conflict: He would experience a mix of emotions, including anger, curiosity, and a deep-seated need to understand how this changes his perspective on his identity and goals. The revelation would force him to confront his beliefs about destiny and power.

Actions: He would likely seek out more information about his father and the circumstances of his birth. His approach would be multifaceted, combining his relentless pursuit of power with a newfound desire to understand his place in the world. He might use this information to create new alliances or to destabilize the existing Hyrulean power structure, always with the goal of ultimately claiming the throne for himself.

In each case, the revelation of their royal lineage would significantly impact the Ganondorfs, challenging their perceptions and strategies. Their reactions would vary based on their personalities and motivations, but all would ultimately seek to leverage this new information to further their ambitions.

[kiteofdreams]

Watch You Bloom

Danny x Reader

2.8k words

Warnings: pregnancy, alcohol, normal pregnancy symptoms, a hint of implied sex, & fluff.

a/n: this was a thought that came into my head and I couldn’t get rid of it. it’s helped me process a few things about my life as well, because postpartum is a real bitch.

A typical week had turned into a week from hell. Your body hurt, you had trouble sleeping, and you were constantly nauseous. Your work week felt like it lasted a month. By Friday, all you wanted to do was spend a relaxing night with your boyfriend. As soon as you stepped into your shared home, you knew it wouldn’t be.

“Sweet pea!” Danny called out, stepping towards the front door. The nickname he had given you in middle school followed you throughout your lives together after you spilled Sweet Pea body spray all over his homework in 6th grade. “Glad you’re home!”

“Why are you all dressed up?” You questioned, kicking your heels off and placing your bag on the foyer table. “I thought we were just gonna stay in.”

“Well, mom and dad invited us to dinner and I couldn’t say no,” he replied with a sheepish smile. “I picked out an outfit for you?”

You turned towards your bedroom to change, pulling your shirt & pants off in the hallway to throw in the hamper. A loud wolf whistle came from behind you and you turned to see Danny leaning against the wall, looking you up and down.

“Now isn’t that a view,” he said with a sly smirk on his face.

Rolling your eyes, you walked into the bedroom finding a navy, off-the-shoulder sundress on the bed. You slipped the dress on before walking into your bathroom to touch up your hair. Immediately a wave of nausea hit you.

“Danny,” you called out into the house. “Did you change cologne?”

“No, same one as always,” he replied, his voice getting louder as he walked into the bathroom.

“It smells different…are you sure it’s the same one?”

“Yeah, Pea. It’s the same,” he laughed. “You feeling alright?”

“I’m alright, the smell is making me sick. I think it’s from the headache I’ve been having.”

“We don’t have to go if you’re feeling sick.”

“No, baby. I’m fine. Just give me a glass of water and I’ll be okay. Then we can leave.”

With a kiss to the top of your head, Danny turned and headed towards the kitchen. After finishing your touch-up, you followed after him, grabbing a pair of wedges out of the hallway closet. As you reached the kitchen, he handed you a cup full of cold water.

“Who needs this when I’ve got a tall drink of water right here?” you winked at him, watching the blush overtake his cheeks. You stood close and placed a kiss on his cheek, the blush deepening even further as he turned toward the front door. You downed the glass of water, grabbing a bottle to take with you, already feeling a bit better.

“Are you ready to go?” Danny asked, pulling on his shoes.

“Yeah, almost ready,” you answered, placing the glass in the dishwasher. You walked over and sat on the bench beside him to put on your shoes. As you leaned to clasp the buckle, Danny knelt down beside you. He moved your hands out of the way, buckling them together before placing a soft kiss on the top of your thigh. Once he was finished, he stood and pulled you with him.

“You look beautiful, sweet pea,” he said with a soft smile. He took your hand as he led you out the front door and off to dinner.

Once you arrived and hellos were said to his parents, you were quickly seated and chit-chatted amongst each other. Having known the Wagners for years, it was an easy conversation. You ordered a glass of sparkling wine with your dinner and with one sip, you stood and grabbed your small clutch. Excusing yourself, you made a b-line for the restroom. As you entered the stall, everything from the day (and what seemed like the previous day) came back up. Feeling nauseous still, you grabbed your phone to send a text to Danny telling him what was going on but saw he had sent one first.

You ok?

Quickly typing your text, you pressed send before another wave of nausea hit. As your stomach emptied, you heard your name being called from outside the stall.

"Honey, are you alright?" his mom asked.

“Yeah,” you whispered, wiping your mouth with a piece of toilet paper and unlocking the stall. “I’m okay, I’ve had a headache all week and it’s making me sick. Danny’s cologne made it worse.”

“Well, you and Danny head home. Get some rest and feel better. We’ll take you both out once you’re feeling up for it. I do have to ask, hope I’m not overstepping but from what you’ve said, is there a chance you could be pregnant?”

You laughed loudly as you washed your hands, “no, I don’t think so.”

“Well, it’s okay if you are,” she said with a soft smile. “Just think about maybe taking a test later. I won’t say anything, especially to Daniel.”

You gave her a quick nod and dried your hands, following her out of the restroom. The more you thought about it, you couldn’t remember when you last had your period. Thinking back, you realize it was supposed to arrive three weeks prior. As you walked back to the table, you gave Danny a timid smile.

“It might be best if you head on home, we’ll take it from here. Get some rest, okay?”

You gathered your belongings and Danny rushed you to the car, a worried look clearly on his face.

“Sweet pea, what’s wrong? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“I’m fine, baby. I promise. I’ve just had a headache for a few days and it’s taking a toll on me. I’ll just need to rest,” you said, grabbing his hand in yours to reassure him.

You fell asleep on the quiet drive home, not even realizing you arrived as Danny carried you into the house. In a daze, he helped you undress and climb into bed. He kissed your forehead before turning out the light and you let sleep overtake you.

*

“Daniel, I’m home,” you called from the front door a week later, knowing he couldn’t hear you over his drumming.

After stopping at the store to buy a box of pregnancy tests, you quickly turned towards your bathroom. You followed the directions on the test and set a timer for 3 minutes. All you could do was pace around the room. Your mind was racing with all the questions running through your head.

What if I am pregnant?

Am I ready to be a mom?

How will Danny react?

Can we handle a kid?

The timer beeping brought you out of your thoughts. Clearing the timer, you stepped over to the sink, taking a deep breath before looking down. Right in front of your eyes were two pink lines. You were pregnant.

You ran towards Danny’s studio with tears in your eyes. Throwing the door open, you stood in the doorway holding the test in your hand. With the door suddenly opening, Danny removed his headphones to look up at you.

“Woah, sweet pea. What’s the hurry? What’s in your hand?”

Danny placed the drumsticks down, walking towards you. At this point, you were a bundle of nerves, unable to speak. You closed the gap between the two of you, handing the small white stick to him.

“Found out why I’ve been sick,” you looked up at him with eyes wide.

“Is that what I think it is?” he asked, looking down at his hand.

You nodded, reaching to interlock your fingers with his empty hand.

“Two lines, does that mean…” he trailed off.

You nodded again, pulling him over to the worn couch in the corner of the studio. You both sat as he stared at the test.

“We’re gonna be parents?”

“Yeah,” you laughed. “I think I’m about 8 weeks along.”

Danny turned towards you, eyes bright with tears in the corners.

“We’re gonna be parents!” he repeated as he stood, picking you up and spinning you around. “I’m gonna be a dad!”

“You’re going to be an amazing father, Daniel.”

“And you’re going to make the best mom, sweet pea,” he said, placing you back on the ground. “Wait, did you put a pee stick in my hand?”

“Oh my god, Daniel!”

*

Two weeks later and you’d never been more nervous. Your leg was bouncing as you sat in the waiting room for your first ultrasound. Danny sat next to you, fingers drumming away on his thighs. You heard your name being called and you both stood, following the nurse back to the exam room. It was dark, as a video projection of the ultrasound machine stood out against the wall. The nurse asked you numerous questions about your medical history and had you verify all your information. She instructed you to lay back on the table and pull up your shirt as she grabbed the ultrasound gel.

“Now, this might feel a little odd,” she said as she began to move the ultrasound wand around your stomach.

Both you and Danny were focused on the screen in front of you. You had no idea what you were looking at, everything looked like a blob to you.

“There’s the little one right there,” the nurse said with a smile. “Based on the size, I’d say you’re right around 10 weeks, give or take. Heartbeat looks good. I’ll print your pictures for you.”

After she had gotten all the images needed, she wiped the gel off your stomach and helped you up off the table. She handed you the ultrasound pictures with a quick “the doctor will be in shortly” and left you and Danny alone.

“Hey,” Danny grabbed your hand in his, placing a kiss on the back. You flipped through all the printed ultrasound pictures. “That’s our kid, sweet pea.”

*

Weeks later and you were still keeping it hidden. As Halloween approached, you knew that you couldn’t avoid it forever. You weren’t showing just yet at 14 weeks, but if you looked closely you saw a little bump. With the annual Kiszka Halloween party coming up, you were trying to figure out how to tell everyone. Since Danny was busy in the studio working on the new album, you were in charge of costumes.

You had been searching high and low for the perfect costume. Then, a shirt appeared in an ad and you knew what to be. Ordering the shirt, a new pair of shoes, and shorts for Danny, you got to work on yours. Thanks to two-day shipping, your order arrived the day before the party. You washed everything and put it in the back corner of your closet, you made sure to hide it from Danny until you were getting ready to leave.

Danny was out golfing, one of the last times of the year in your town as it was starting to get cold. You were at home in your office looking for baby registry items online, hoping to get a jump on the items you needed. Adding some bath toys, you peeked up at the whiteboard on the wall that listed all the names you had chosen. While you didn’t know the sex yet, you had narrowed it down to two names each. The board was scattered with names crossed out until just four remained. Your thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and a messy bun peeking in.

“I’m home, sweet pea. I’ve been calling for you,” Danny said, walking over to you. “Still looking at baby stuff?”

“I’ve got nothing picked out!” you pouted, crossing your arms over your chest.

“We’ve still got six months to go. I’m sure we’ll get everything done in time. I’m gonna shower, we need to leave in about an hour. Gonna be ready by then?”

“Mhm, I’ll need to shower too, don’t waste all the hot water,” you called out to him as he walked through the office door. Stretching yourself, you closed the laptop and started to walk to your bedroom to get Danny his costume. Standing in the hallway, Danny looked at you with a smirk on his face.

“Well, mama. Let’s save the environment for our kid, save some water, and shower with me,” he whispered, pulling you close by the waist.

“If it’s for the environment, I suppose we have to,” you replied. “Lead the way, daddy.”

45 minutes later, you both were out of the shower, shivering from the cold water. Wrapping yourself in a towel, you walked into your closet pulling out the costumes. Chuckling to yourself, you called for Danny to grab his.

“What am I?”

“You haven’t figured it out yet?,” you smiled at him. “If you don’t get it by the time we get there, I’ll tell you. Hurry up and get dressed. We’re gonna be late because you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself in the shower.”

You both quickly got dressed and dried your hair before putting on a bit of makeup. Grabbing your bag, you were out the door only 15 minutes late. As you arrived, you placed the hat on your head and looked over at Danny. Squeezing his hand in a silent “I love you”, you walked up to the front door. Before you could knock, a grinning man opened the door.

“You made it! I didn’t know if you were going to. Danny’s been kinda off the past few weeks,” Sam said, pulling you into the house. You gave him a nervous smile. “What are you supposed to be? You don’t match each other.”

You gave him a twirl and stuck your hands out in a “ta-da!” manner, hoping to give him a hint. Sam looked you up and down before turning to Danny to do the same. He stared for a minute, so you decided to give him a little help.

“I’m a baker. I take care of buns in the oven, Sam. Danny is a stereotypical dad. He’s got the jean shorts, the white New Balances, and the ‘World’s Best Dad’ shirt. Gives him some practice.”

You heard Danny let out a loud laugh as Sam looked even more confused. Stepping inside, you heard Sam finally realize what you were saying.

“Wait, you aren’t fucking with me, are you? You’re pregnant?” Sam whispered. You turned around to see his shocked face staring at you both intently. You looked at Danny only to see a big smile on his face. “You’re not joking? Well, shit man! Congrats! Can I hug you?”

“Yeah, Sam, you can,” you laughed, opening your arms for the hug.

Closing the door behind you after he let go, you began to greet everyone. Jake appeared quickly with a shot in his hand.

“You’re late! You know what that means, drink up,” he shouted, pushing the shot into your hand.

“Ohhhh okay,” Danny said, taking the glass from you and downing it in one gulp. “Come on, Jake, you know she doesn’t like tequila. I’ll go get her one.”

Danny walked towards the kitchen as you chatted with Jake. Small talked turned into Jake talking about the new album as Danny brought back a “shot” for you and two for himself and Jake.

“This one’s yours, sweet pea,” he said with a wink. He leaned down to your ear and whispered, “it’s just water, play along.”

Danny lifted his glass in the air and began to speak, “to new beginnings, new life, and a new adventure.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a hand reach in front of you and take the shot glass out of your hand and you heard a loud, “you can’t have that!” Turning towards Sam as he downed the shot, you laughed as he realized what it was.

“Ugh, gross. That’s just water.”

“No shit, Sammy,” you chuckled. “Danny brought it specifically for me.”

“I thought it was rum! You had me worried.”

Jake stood there with shot glass still in hand looking confused at what just transpired. He looked back and forth between the three of you, wondering why you had just a shot glass of water.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Do you like Danny’s costume, Jake?”

“His shirt says ‘World’s Best’... oh,” he trailed off.

You couldn’t stop laughing as he finally realized what was going on.

“Congrats, you two! That’s great to hear! I’m gonna be an uncle!” Jake shouted a little too loud.

All the heads in the room turned towards you and Danny. You looked up at him and gave him a little nod as the room became silent.

“Well, uh,” Danny started, clearing his throat. You squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Baby Wagner will be here sometime in early May. We’re both really excited.”

You let out the breath you didn’t know had been holding. All of a sudden, cheers erupted from the room.

“A toast to Baby Wagner!” Josh shouted from across the room. Everyone raised a glass to toast your little one, who was loved by so many already. You placed a hand on your stomach as Danny pulled you closer to his side and you couldn’t think of any other place you’d rather be.

[newhologram]

New's unexpected new diagnosis

A whole month after surgery, I finally got my results. Lots to talk about here.

Based on my symptoms and medical history, the surgeon said he went in fully expecting severe endometriosis with adhesions. He identified the cyst on my left ovary and removed it (kicking myself because I forgot to ask what kind of cyst it was). My uterine tubes were also easily removed, so sterilization was successful. I asked about my chart reading “unilateral oophorectomy” but he assured me that was a typo, they did not in fact have to remove one of my ovaries. Phew. (Also re: being sent home without pain meds, he was like WHAT. He pulled up the records and there it was, he had it noted that I was to be sent home with meds. So someone at the hospital messed up. He asked me, “but you eventually got meds, right?” Yeah, but it was oxycodone and that barely touches my pain. I told him when I go to the ER for flare ups multiple times a year, they have to give me hydromorphone every 2-4 hours because it’s that bad. So he’s sending me to a new pain doctor and pelvic PT, but we’ll see if my insurance even lets me.) But other than that, he didn’t actually see any obvious endometriosis implants. Not even adhesions that would indicate it either. Nothing was stuck together like he expected. But he did stress, and I knew this from research already, that just because he didn’t see anything obvious doesn’t mean I don’t have endo. This is pretty common for patients on the first surgery. Sometimes not much is seen because it’s really the specialists who know how to identify other less-obvious lesions or hidden pockets of endo. My surgeon is very knowledgeable and I really like him, but he’s not actually an endo specialist (I can’t access them with my insurance, and even if I did have better insurance the co-pay would still be many thousands of dollars). Here’s where he was genuinely surprised: When he checked the backside of my uterus, he said it’s just completely scarred up. Rough and damaged from inflammation. Which could still be superficial endometriosis but is a giant red flag for adenomyosis (though it’s possible to have both). Quick explanation for those who need it: endometriosis is when tissue similar (but not the same as) the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus. It can grow on the surface, the ovaries, the bladder, kidneys, bowel, liver, nerves, lungs, or even the brain. These lesions bleed within the body and cause a lot of damage and often infertility. People have lost organs and their lives from this disease being so mismanaged by doctors. It spreads like cancer so it’s diagnosed in stages the same way. Adenomyosis has a lot of the same symptoms but the process is different. The lining instead grows into the muscle of the uterus, causing damage and often infertility. Both of these diseases can be painful, debilitating, and disabling no matter what stage. Though the endometriosis is still uncertain, my surgeon has diagnosed me with adenomyosis. Just to be extra certain, he’s sending me for a pelvic MRI with contrast during my period so he can have a better look. I actually had an MRI 2 years ago that had me questioning if I had adeno because I thought my uterus looked weird and stained, just dark and splotchy and roughly textured but no one noted it (radiologists are not trained well in identifying these diseases). I was mostly focused on the ovarian cyst so I kind of forgot about it.

But yeah, this explains a lot, because the back of the uterus is up against the rectum, which is where my colitis is the worst. The inflammation is close enough to affect the organs around it. This explains why my colitis seems so unmanageable, yet every time I have a colonoscopy they tell me it’s mild and act like I’m just being dramatic. This explains why everything’s just been getting worse and worse seemingly every year. The anemia, intense fatigue, weakness, nausea, and pain that hardly any meds (that will be given to me) can touch. Frustratingly, he didn’t have the pictures to show me despite multiple people telling me he would have them. I called and emailed the hospital all day today and thankfully they’re mailing everything my way. Where to from here? The only cure for adenomyosis is hysterectomy. I was considering getting a partial one (saving my ovaries so I don’t go into menopause) in a year or two anyway if my condition doesn't improve. There's still a potential risk of ovarian dysfunction/failure after 5 years but I'm getting older anyway and I need to move on. I can go on HRT if needed. Surgeon is in full agreement that this is the best way forward to improve my quality of life. Though this won’t cure any endo that might still be hiding, it will be a dramatically different experience without this diseased organ constantly ruining my life (and no more periods! I can’t even imagine that freedom). I’m overwhelmed at having to start this process again to get a whole nother surgery that’s much more intense than what I just had, but I had also prepared myself knowing that this was only the very first surgery. It wasn’t meant to “fix” me but to finally get eyes on my insides. Hopefully it doesn’t take a whole year again between the consult and the actual surgery. Glad there’s no damage from adhesions we’d have to deal with either, so that simplifies things a lot. I’m so thankful to finally have actual answers and a clear path moving forward for future recovery. I’ll never be “normal”, I have so many other chronic illnesses that I’ll have to keep working hard at managing, but we can at least do something about this one. I’ll update more when I get the surgery pictures and the new MRI. Surgeon has officially cleared me to take baths again, so I’m going to go luxuriate for a while. Thank you to everyone for the support, the donations, and the kind messages.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

personal rant (tw chronic pain, chronic illness)

i don't normally post stuff like this on here at all because i love keeping this space here just for fun fandom stuff, but today has just been so unbelievably shit and i feel like i just need to scream into the void about it for a moment to try and process.

basically, me and my sister had vip tickets to meet and see this band today who's incredibly special to us. they were a total lifeline for us when we were growing up, but we never got the chance to see them live. in august when we finally got these tickets over ten years after we both started listening to them, we were both over the MOON. it was such a special moment for us, but also felt like such a milestone because both of us have been through so much since we were those kids sitting in my room finding so much solace in this band's music together. it felt like such a significant thing to be going to see them all these years later, having overcome so much and both of us being in places now that we never thought we could get to.

anyway, fast track to today and i woke up in excruciating pain. some of you might know that i have some issues with various chronic illnesses/pain already, and one of the conditions i have is endometriosis. for anyone who doesn't know, it's an incurable condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows outside the womb and causes chronic pelvic pain, fatigue, and a whole bunch of other fun symptoms. but it's biggest symptom, for me anyway, is the WORST period pain you can imagine. like, no medications can touch it, passed out on the floor for hours, screaming in agony kind of pain. i've lived with it for over half my life now and yes, obviously it affects me - but also i've got pretty good at learning how to manage it, and i have it down to like. a day or two per month where i'm incapacitated by pain rather than half the days. some months i don't get days like that at all now. i wouldn't say i feel good - a lot of the time i'm in pain and on painkillers/carrying around a hot water bottle with me when i'm at home etc - but i'm like. mostly functional. it hurts, but when it does, usually these days i can push through it when i really need to (even if that makes it worse later).

but today? today of all days, i woke up with the most excruciating pain i've had probably all year. i couldn't see or move enough to reach out to my bedside table and take my painkillers, let alone think of getting on a train and going to a gig. it's been over twelve hours and i'm only now able to sit up enough to watch stuff on my laptop for comfort and type this out (and i'm still in a lot of pain). of course my sister had to go to the gig without me, because there was just no way i could physically move to get there. and i'm just feeling so shit because although of course she was lovely about it, she was so nervous about going by herself and also really sad we couldn't go together, and i feel so much like i've let her down and that my body hasn't just ruined this incredibly special thing for me but also for her.

i generally try not to dwell on the stuff i can't do because i've learnt that it's NOT helpful, and it doesn't change anything anyway. i'm used to missing things i want to go to and not being able to see friends sometimes, working and having no energy left to do anything but sleep at the weekends. and most of the time it's okay, i've kind of made my peace with it. but on days like today i just feel so sad about it, all the things i don't get to do - especially things like this which are such special, once in a lifetime kind of opportunities. i know i shouldn't really complain because on the whole i've been really lucky with the things i've got to do despite my condition - i think this is the first time in a good five years or so that it's caused me to miss going to something really big like this, and i've got to go and see so many wonderful bands over that time. but this one... they're just such a special one to me and to my sister, and it feels like such a loss. and it just brings home how much this condition really does affect me - i've got pretty good at downplaying it over the years, but it's days like today where i'm like, no actually. this is awful and there's nothing i can do about it. which is a really scary kind of position to be in.

i don't even really know what the purpose of this post was other than to just let some of that out. normally i'd speak to my sister about it because she understands it the most, but i didn't want to let her see how upset i was about not being able to go because i still wanted her to have the best time possible and not be worrying about me. anway yeah, sorry to anyone who's read all the way through this, i know it's long and rambly and super negative. usually i'm able to take this kind of thing in my stride, but today it just really got me and i just feel so sad and defeated. i know in a few days it won't loom so big, and there are other wonderful things on the horizon that i'll get to do - but yeah. for today, i think i just need to let myself feel sad.

[justasussybitch]

I can kind of see Luke taking his “power” as far as he can. Like getting to the point where he’s asking Aemond to bottom for him. Whether Aemond would ever get to that place remains to be seen (you’ve said one of the things primary to this Aemond is we can’t get into his mind). I picture Luke probably coming as soon as in that position due to his “he’s nothing without me” line of thought we have seen this chapter (I’ve summarised that terribly you wrote it way more compelling but I can’t fit Luke’s state of mind into a 4 word sentence I’ll leave that to the professionals (you!)).

If he got to the point where he’s got Aemond to the point in his fake love routine to open up his “cunt” willingly, it would probably be his greatest achievement in his now fucked up mind lol.

Knowing how Jealous Aemond was of Sel I can see him thinking well Luke doesn’t need pussy he’s got mine. Because again, he’s delusional !

Unfortunately luke coming from the power trip would probably convince Aemond he has crazy throw back power and rules Luke with his ass and dick and I don’t want that for him haha. Picturing Luke’s reaction to Aemond thinking HES the one being manipulated with sex is hilarious though 😂😂.

This is probably so duh but I think Luke has really been conditioned to see sex=power which is obviously a symptom of his abuse. How he’d go about having healthy sexual relationships in the future (even with women!) puzzles me. I don’t know if you read the fic nobody, nothing, nowhere by hypothesistest but it also plays the abuse quite straight too and focuses on the impact it has on Luke and is one of my favourite fics on the subject matter with how it explores how the abuse affected Luke long after it was over and in what ways his abuse reared it’s head (which I can see in your excerpt you posted today!) during his everyday life and his attempts at intimacy. I’m really looking forward to the sequel for this reason and it will NOT be a skip for me! I love your Luke for who is not his bussy!!

If Luke did ever make it back to his family how do you think he would go back to being Rhaena’s bethrothed or Rhaenyra’s “good boy”. Especially if Jacegan is canon in your views. One brother experiencing the joys of bottoming with the man he swore a blood oath to up north after building a relationship through hunting and drinking and friendship versus the other experiencing it as this shameful reaction from his body that makes him unworthy and had brought so much pain on a physical and psychological level!

The irony of Jace going to a secluded castle during war time and being the one with the healthy sexual experience versus Luke going from an argument with his uncle

Just Luke whump all around!

I haven’t read this fic since December?? I think but you being back has got me on theories galore! Please let me know if you don’t like this kind of in depth q&a’s for your fics and I’ll stop no harm done! I’m just usually question question question about character dynamics!

Thank you very much for listening to my delusions I just like your work a lot haha

some more, slightly more spoiler-y stuff

"he’s nothing without me" summarises it pretty well. Aemond tried to make himself the centre of Luke's life & in the process made Luke the centre of his, oops. Luke didn't ask to be part of this dynamic, but if they're going to be stuck in each other's gravity he's certainly going to use it to whatever advantage he can. which definitely means making power plays via fucking (as you point out, this whole thing has taught him power=sex, which already is an idea pretty present in Westeros). i may have to break out the switch! tags for Hand for Hand.

('may'. i already have a pretty strong (ha) idea for how bottom!Aemond is going to make it's appearance in the plot)

i hadn't read the fic nobody, nothing, nowhere by hypothesistest, but thank you for the rec because i went & devoured it today. really great psychological stuff. based on it, i don't think you'll be disappointed by what i have planned for Tooth for Tooth. strangely, the lucemond dynamics in nobody, nothing, nowehere -- the only one able to understand what the other has been through -- feels like the cousin to the darker, more fucked up lucemond dynamics i have planned for hand for hand. nobody, nothing, nowhere did actually manage to make me regret for a second not writing a more wholesomely co-dependent lucemond. for a very loose definition of wholesome. because them getting to heal together was an amazing ending to read. unfortunately, the Aemond in lflfefe isn't a fellow victim but the abuser (Aegon, meanwhile, has two for two going on the rapist front). i do plan for Rhaena to have a small part in Tooth for Tooth, and a larger part in Hand for Hand. i won't say more, except to thank you for the reminder that fleshing out some non-Luke relationships might be worthwhile. i mean, personally, i think Luke should be the centre of all relationships -- romantic, platonic, familial -- but apparently having everything be in relation to just one character can make it hard to 'flesh out themes' or 'build the narrative' smh. (side tangent, but i read the Locked Tomb series this year & that had fucking amazing side character/relationship work, so definitely something i want to practice!) you make a good point that jacegan could have some very juicy parallels. thank you for the ask(s)! it's amazing having someone care this much about the character dynamics in something i wrote. fanfic as a medium has very different rules & conventions to, say, novel as a medium, but for me, even as i'm being self-indulgent, LFLEFE (& Deuteronomy 19-21) is a place where i'm cutting my teeth in regards to character work, relationship dynamics, plotting, etc. and also just finishing a piece of writing (even if it takes years). so it's very validating to have someone analyse & theorise like this! based on the ask(s) i think there's quite a few things you'll enjoy if i stick to my current outline ;)