#my way with words is worse than before but a vent is a vent im not proofreading lmao

[syscultureis]

Vent AS HELL, no need to post this btw. TWs for abuse and general traumatic events

System culture is, yes im a system. No, i wasnt SAed as a kid or anything else singlets think when i say DID. i witnessed domestic abuse, cheating, fights, was harassed by both my peers and the ones that shouldve taken care of me since i was introducted to a social space, i watched verbal abuse turn physical then psychological. i dropped out at 5th grade because of "bullying"(AKA a word to cover up the fact kids can abuse other kids). i grew up isolated and scared. i wasted my teenagery and am pretty much a "late bloomer" on many aspects. gave myself a second chance only to feel just as miserable as before. i went through medical and psych neglect. i still waste my trust on others just to watch them leave and proceed to relive my own past abandonment. i watch situations i thought were exclusive to this one age and time frame happen again and again and realize no, im still not safe. Maybe ill never be. i feel bad for wanting to inflict harm on those who harmed me but i think about that everyday. i remember them even though theyve long forgotten me.

Long story short, theres more than one way a childs brain can be impacted by trauma. its not a competition and no one should feel "not valid" because their trauma "wasnt as bad as someone elses" and im sick of hearing that. "oh i thought you had it worse" fuck off and die <3333 anyways sorry if this is a bit too much im just tired and hesitant to post this but here we go.

- Plague 🕸

.

[petrichoraline]

I binge-watched this into the dark hours of the night and I had a lot of points I wanted to make but I'll just vent (a bit spoilery)

this show is funnyyy, it had me laughing at points I wasn't supposed to (like when dome would appear standing in the distance out of nowhere like a horror movie character but sweet music played on top) and it also does endearing very, very well.

the main characters' dynamic is interesting. they're a very lowkey couple in a way, domestic and sweet but when the conflict is conflicting the tension is palpable. thorn can be very sassy and petty (kind of despite himself) and fah tends to need direct guidance - their fights remained consistent in nature and the conflict though frustrating made a lot of sense. these are young men with a lot of doubts about their future, their goals and relationships. theyre put in kind of impossible situations and acting out, saying the wrong thing, having trouble with controlling emotions are normal - it's difficult to watch but not because it's nonsense as is the case with a lot of forced conflict in media.

ai and saen had the best only one bed scene I've seen in A WHILE like I couldn't think of a better one, it had beautiful sound design, enough time dedicated to setting the scene and building the tension AND some lovely acting that made the switch in their dynamic so romantic and natural. they also had a cute development, even when softened up ai maintained that sharp tongue and saen kept looking at him with the same adoration and handling his comments with patience (the graduation gift reaction wouldve hurt me but not saen, that man is so used to it 😂)

dome and vee had me going crazy in the first episodes, I really enjoyed the tension but I was rooting for pan the whole time. i was yelling about girls in bls lmao like these dudes had me stressed for a girl I was so sure was gonna be sweet about it AND SHE WAS. at one point I was like "if you grab that empty beer bottle and take revenge I wouldn't be mad tbh", that girl was GRACIOUS. also "I told him that if he found someone he could leave anytime" girlll 😭💗

honestly vee didn't seem too remorseful at the beginning so his guilt really taking over in the second half felt a bit out of nowhere but also right. I think hes usually a playful guy and the consequences didn't really dawn on him at first, not to mention he didn't expect to actually fall in love. dome is a cutie but that man pissed me off, I think the reason he struggled his much being hes now into a guy made the conflict compelling and understandable but it still was so unfair towards his girlfriend, I was screaming BREAK UP on like ep.2 not because I cared about his rs with vee but because he clearly doesn't want to be with her and he should set he free (and ironically it turned out she was the one who tried to give him that type of freedom)

also the hyperventilating scene..I felt that, it was so good.

the colours, cinematography, music choices, humour and drama are really engaging. I started the show a while ago (quite a bit after i had decided to watch it due to good recommendations), stopped for a bit, got to the end of ep.3 and put it on hold for a while because tbh the first episodes weren't too much fun, they had this one single flashback happen like five times in an episode like they were making sure those kids got their exposure 😂 but it really picked up from there, i binged 9 episodes at once, i didn't skip scenes, used the speed up button only once and didn't feel the need to check my phone which is a lot lol

it's fun, it's sweet, there wasn't much basketball after all (which was good for me cause I wasn't in it for the sport, I thought it was a volleyball show 😁) but there was plenty of tenderness, the way characters display affection is so nice and thought out. there's a nice squad, the friendships are not really a main focus? but you can feel the support (glad we got an aii/thorn moment, I was sure those two would get along)

I recommend it even if the first few episodes are a bit on the dull side, what it does well it does really well and it's a worthy watch 💖

[17020]

HI I'M YN AND THIS IS MY LAST DRINK. . .

because my misery is your enjoyment. aka part 2 of this post! warnings for fem/afab reader, unestablished relationships (kaji, hiragi), established relationships (togame, choji, tsubaki), vomiting (choji), smut (?) fingering sorta (tsubaki). mdni!

REN KAJI — BABY, NO.

Ren Kaji had you tired. Tired, drained, and shitting bricks.

You knew situationships could be stressful, but could you even call this a situationship? He was your best friend, and you had your eye on him from the moment you saw him...

But did he even see you in a romantic light? Since when was he so caring?

The more you thought about it, the sicker you became. You were sure it was your best friend making you feel this way, and not the full cups of vodka you drank in an attempt to distract yourself.

And distract yourself you did.

As if things couldn't get any worse, you had to get approached by an old friend, a guy you had no interest in. The scowl on your face was not enough to spook him away, as he ran his hand through his hair and rambled on about how his life had been, with him asking to hang out with you the following week.

It was right then and there where you felt an arm wrap itself around your waist, quick kiss being planted on your cheek.

Speak of the devil. Ren Kaji, with his headphones decorating his neck, and a pink sucker in his hand. Before you could even introduce Kaji to your friend, he grabbed your hand as he swiftly guided you to a more secluded space, asking you if you were okay.

"I'm okay, but Ren—what's going on?"

He tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"Look, you hold my hand, you tell me you love me, and you act like my partner and—and best friends don't do that. Just tell me, Ren, what are we? Because best friends don't do this shit and I'm tired."

Kaji was unable to look you in the eye, his gaze fixated on the ground.

"I'll stop if you want me to, didn't mean to make you feel like that."

And with a quick turn in his heel, Kaji headed towards the door, not daring to say goodbye. Tears welled up in your eyes as you ran towards a ping pong table filled with bottles, drinking cup after cup and getting approached by none other than Hiragi.

Hiragi sure had a way with words. Strangely enough, your encounter with him had you sitting cross-legged on the floor, venting about Kaji and the whole ordeal. He encouraged you to sober up and text him, and was surprised when you pulled out your phone and texted you best friend in that instant, sobbing from desperation as he took too long to reply. Many distractions later, your phone buzzed.

YN 11:01 ren im really drunk right now and hiragis here with me and i wantd to say i regret everythign and i do wanna hug you and kiss you and holdyour hand i dont want you to do it with anyone else ilove you

REN <3 11:45 i love you too yn, and i promise i'll only be like that with you. sorry i couldn't say it in person, but you're too special to me and i don't want to lose you. i talked with hiragi. is it true he had to carry you so you could do some pull ups and heard you sing justin bieber's baby?

"TOMA HIRAGI. YOU ARE A DEAD MAN."

TOMA HIRAGI — IT'S TOO LOUD IN HERE.

Hiragi was unable to wipe the scowl off his face. He knew it was wrong to feel that pit of acid in his stomach as he watched you stumbling and giggling while talking to the white-haired man in front of you, his hand gently holding yours and his nose almost brushing against yours, as 'it was too loud in there, and you looked like you could use some balance.'

He was in disbelief.

Toma Hiragi was jealous of Bofurin's Hajime Umemiya.

He desperately wanted for you to notice him. A part of him was angry with himself, because he was the one who invited Umemiya to that party in the first place. Indirectly, he brought his own competition to some dumb party. He only came in the first place because he knew you would be there.

As a large crowd started to form to play beer pong in pairs, Hiragi was grateful when he saw you approach him, a goofy smile plastered on your face.

"Let's play! I'll take your shots so that you won't drink, 'kay?"

It was thanks to this that Hiragi found out how great you were at beer pong, having the couple in front of you nearly wasted at the end. Unfortunately for you, Hiragi's aim was questionable, leading to you becoming as drunk as your opponents. Not before becoming champion, though.

You looked at Hiragi with half-lidded eyes, your head tilted towards your side as your lips curled into a smile.

You were wasted.

"'s kinda loud in here, let's go somewhere else, 'Ragi."

It was too loud in there, he thought, as he placed his hand on your back and guided you to a nearby bench, making you sit next to him as you placed your head on his shoulder. It was way too damn loud, because he wanted you all to himself, away from Umemiya and away from everyone else.

Hiragi's head rested on top of yours, his hand placed on your knee as you took your phone out from your purse, pressing the camera icon and framing you and Hiragi.

"'m sure I'm gonna wanna remember this" you admitted, thumb pressing the 'shutter' button as you took a picture.

"...send me the picture. I'm sure I'm gonna wanna remember this too."

JO TOGAME — DRESS ME UP, LEMON BOY.

"She's in the kitchen. Hurry, Togame, she can't stand by herself!"

When Jo Togame received a text from your friend saying you had gotten beyond wasted at her birthday party, a part of him wanted to believe she was exaggerating.

Unfortunately, she was not.

"Jooooo baby you're hereeee~"

His eyes widened as you approached him, barely able to stand on your own and falling into his arms at your friend's kitchen. She handed your boyfriend a pair of shorts and a hoodie, which belonged to her, as well as a lime cut in half and a glass filled with water.

Togame's mission was clear: doll you up and make you feel brand new.

He took the shorts and made you sit on the counter, chuckling when you pouted as he tried sliding your legs into the shorts and pulling them up in an attempt to put them on you.

"Jo, the shorts're so unfashionable. 's gonna ruin my look!"

Your boyfriend sighed and shook his head, offering you a small smile. "Your dress is short, princess. One wrong move and people will see somethin' that's mine. Now arms up, baby, let's put on this hoodie so we can go home, okay?"

You nodded disappointedly, raising your arms as Togame dressed you with your friend's hoodie, then cupping your cheek and telling you how beautiful you looked. Handing you the glass of water, he waited until you drank it all, heading towards the sink and quickly rinsing it. He took the lime from the kitchen counter, holding it against your lips.

"Suck on this for me, won't you baby?"

You did as told, your gaze never leaving your boyfriend's. He smiled as your expression changed from the sourness of the lime, pulling away once it had completely shrunken.

"Now that's a good girl. Let's go home, yeah? You need to rest."

CHOJI TOMIYAMA — HOLD MY HAND, HOLD MY HAIR.

You, Choji, and alcohol were never a good mix.

Restraint was a concept unknown to the both of you, always ending up drinking more than what your bodies could handle. Moreover, there were multiple occasions in which you both drank on an empty stomach.

And with alcohol being a diuretic, it was only a matter of time before...

"Chooo, baby, can you come pee with me?"

Eagerly, he nodded as you both had an arm wrapped around the other's shoulder, using one another to walk properly to the nearest bathroom.

He opened the door for you, turning around and shutting it. Once he locked it, he covered his eyes with his hands as he gave you the go-ahead to pee. A few seconds later, he heard giggles coming from behind him.

"You know I love you, right? Soooo much. I love you so much Choji."

Choji smiled as he responded that he loved you too, more than you would ever know or imagine. His eyes widened in surprise when he heard the next thing you said.

"Will you hold my hand while I pee? It helps me pee, Cho."

"It would be my pleasure" he grinned, shutting his eyes close as he removed one hand from his face to hold yours.

As soon as you went to the bathroom, Choji felt...

"Baby? I don't feel so good. Let go of my hand a sec—"

Blaaargh.

You were thankful of your boyfriend's quick reflexes, having the ability to turn his head towards the sink before he threw up. You gasped, worried, asking him if he was okay. After finishing up, you went to the sink to wash your hands, as your boyfriend dried his face off with the towel.

"Baby, we need to leave now, I clogged the sink."

TASUKU TSUBAKINO — THE 'LAST TIME'.

"Remember what happened last time, sweetie?"

Truth be told, you did. You remembered it clear as day.

Cheers and whistles could be heard from outside the bathroom as Tsubaki's lips clashed against yours in a desperate, hungry kiss. The bitter taste of alcohol was long forgotten as Tsubaki placed you on top of the sink, your legs spread as he pressed himself against you. You sighed with pleasure as you bucked your hips forward, parting your lips as your boyfriend slipped his tongue inside.

Your hands were entangled in his hair to pull him closer as he lifted your skirt, fingers tauntingly running up and down your clothed cunt. He pulled away as he moved his body against yours, shuddering when you leaned forward and attached your lips onto his neck, gently sucking as Tsubaki whined.

Pulling away, you stare at the purple mark on your boyfriend's neck with pride, and unbeknownst to you, your boyfriend looked at your lips, which were decorated with smeared lipstick.

"You're soaked, baby."

"I know" you breathed lightly, "you look pretty in purple."

"You look pretty in red" he cooed, his hand hurriedly guiding yours up his skirt. Your hand was now wrapped around his cock, stroking it up and down as your boyfriend sucked in a sharp breath.

"Baby you're—aah—you're gripping it too hard. Let's focus on you for now, okay?"

You muttered an apology as your boyfriend reassured you that it was fine. With one swift movement, Tsubaki moved your soaked panties to the side as he sank his digits into—

"TASUKU. WRONG HOLE."

It was then when you realized that perhaps sex was something you would rather enjoy sober, as you and your boyfriend tidied yourselves up and exited the bathroom, laughing hysterically while enduring the physical pain.

Coming back to your senses, you pouted. "M'not that drunk, I won't grab it too hard this time."

[wannabe-skinni-qween]

tw vent

genuinely so fucking sick and tired of everything. hate myself more than anything, but so does literally everyone so what does it matter. no matter how much i struggle someone in the world has it worse. i have a perfect life, perfect family, perfect house, perfect everything. im the only problem with all of this. other ppl do so much for me and love me and take care of me but it js makes me angry. ik im an awful person for saying this and ppl r gna hate me but i js need to talk, i wish i had it worse. i tell people this shit and i always get "no u dont u dk what its like its horrible you dont want this" but i do.

i wish i'd have been SA'd, i wish i'd have been abused, i wish i did drugs, i wish my parents hated me. idk why but i just crave sickness so much. i want to be sick beyond help to the point where it consumes my life and i finally have enough motivation to kms. the only reason i cvt is because i want to get addicted to it.

its been like this for years. the only thing i want in life is attention, idc how i get it or who i get it from. i live on it. yk those coaches on here? i dont block them a lot of the time. i give them exactly what they want because they tell me i have a pretty face. ik theyre lying but its all i need to hear. i send nood pics to old men all the time. men who know im a minor and love it. they dont love me as a person tho and its fine.

i worry that people wont care abt me when im an adult. like i wont be a child anymore, i wont be taken care of. ill get a lame job and meet a lame man and have a shitty wedding and shit out ugly babies that look exactly like me, and grow up to hate themselves exactly as i do now.

i plan on dying before i turn 18. but time is moving too fast and im getting too close to my deadline, so im trying to make everything worth it before i go. its hard to do that tho, i dont have any friends irl, i dont go to school. i go to a school made for retarded kids a few hours a week. i dont do anything while im there. js stare at the words because i genuinely cnt read it properly. like ik what the words say (though it can take a minute) but i dont understand anything. all i do is sit in my room and wait until someone talks to me.

and there's no way for me to ever feel better because i dnt want to. im a terrible person because of that and i dont like it, but it wont ever change

ik probably nobody even read this (i yap sm 😭) but i js needed to get some stuff off my chest

[justmeinadaze]

I Miss The Misery (Steve X You)

"Just know that I'll make you hurt

(I miss the lies and the pain what you did to me)

When you tell me you'll make it worse

(I'd rather fight all night than watch the TV)

I hate that feeling inside

You tell me how hard you'll try

But when we're at our worst

I miss the misery."

A/N: From my previous post, I mentioned I've been feeling some type of way and every time I hear this song I think of mean Steve every time.

Warnings: Mean, Toxic Steve X Fem Slightly Toxic Y/N, SMUT of the rougher variety, public sex (bathroom, office), daddy kink (cause im me), smacking, choking, degrading (brat, whore), ANGST, some gas lighting from Stevie, he's definitely not a good guy, cheating (mentions of him cheating on her; reader cheats on bf), she talks about how his behavior excites her sexually but she's aware of how toxic that kind of thinking is. I think that's all.

Kind of inspired by an ex I had and the way he treated me. He bounced off of each other negatively and I remember telling my therapist that I thought the reason I kept going back to him was because "at least I feel something." I haven't seen him in 4 years so Yay for healthy relationships! :)

Doesn't mean we cant enjoy some toxic smut with Steve Harrington.

Word Count: 6317

“Hey, honey. Rough day?”, you coo at your boyfriend as he comes through the front door with a heavy elongated sigh. 

“Yeah. These assholes that bought our company are changing everything and it’s starting to piss me off.”, he grumbles while taking a seat at the dinner table as you crawl into his lap and kiss his temple. 

“You should say something. Tell your boss you’re sick of the changes and the disrespect. They need you and your team, baby.”

“Naw.”, he gently smiles as he hugs you tighter. “It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

Smothering your own frustrated sigh, you grin as you kiss his lips before heading back to the kitchen to finish the meal you were making. You never understood your boyfriend’s passive aggression when it came to most things. Any time anything bothered him, he’d vent and stomp his feet but in the end, he did nothing. 

You had never dated a man like him before. Most of your past boyfriends were toxic to say the least but what they didn’t know was you were always trying to recreate a feeling someone from your past gave you. The feeling of being desperately needed to the point that they would break down a door to be with you. That passion that followed jealously or a fight that they most likely started but you definitely instigated. That feeling of being…alive. When you couldn’t find it in anyone else, you decided it was best to move on to something healthier. 

Jacob was a good person who doted on you hand and foot. If you had a bad day, he would hold you and if you just needed someone to talk to he was more than accommodating. When you two fought, if you could call it that, you could scream and be mean and all he would do is sigh and say things like “I understand why you would feel that way. I’ll try and be better.” When you two were intimate, he was incredibly vanilla, only ever being sexual in bed and usually missionary. The few times you tried to explain what you wanted, he never seemed to understand. 

“You want me to hurt you??”

“No…not exactly. I just want you to be…rougher. SHOW me how much you love me. MAKE me feel it.”

“You don’t think I show you enough how much I care about you?”

“No! I mean yes…I mean…Gah! Never mind.”

 “What’s, uh, what’s the name of the company that bought yours again?”, you ask as you grab a beer bottle from the fridge and pop it open. 

“Actually, babe, I was going to tell you. I did some research on them and it seems they originated in your hometown Hawkins. It’s a company called Harrington & Co.” The sound of glass shattering causes Jacob to jump up and immediately run to the kitchen where he finds you wide eyed with beer now swimming around your feet. “Oh my god. Are you okay?! Don’t move, you don’t have shoes. Let me clean this for you.”

“Harrington? Like Bill Harrington?”

“Yeah! I was going to ask if you knew them.”, he continues as he kneels down and begins to clean broken glass before wiping at the liquid. “Supposedly, from what I read, Bill Harrington retired and left it to his son Steven. Did you know him? He’s about your age.”

“Where the fuck have you been?!”

“What do you care, sire?! I’m not your fucking girlfriend remember?”

“That doesn’t stop you from coming to my house at fucking 2 am begging to ride my dick!”

Your hand flew across his face, his angry eyes glaring into yours when his head reels back. As you swing your arm to hit him again, his large palm catches your wrist and roughly pulls you to his chest.

“Let me go.”, you growl.

Leaning forward, his lips hover just above your own, feeling the slight wind of your heavy exhales that come from your nose.

“Make me.”

“No, I didn’t know him.”

#############

Sighing, you take shaky, anxious steps towards your boyfriend’s office building. When Jacob called saying he forgot his lunch, you debated on telling him you were busy with work stuff of your own before finally deciding to bring him his food. 

He owns the building. It’s not like he’s going to actually be in it 24/7. Plus, if he was he would definitely be on a different floor.

“Hey sweetie. Oh! Thank you so much.”, he grins as he kisses your cheek. “Do you want to sit with me while I eat? We can share or I can buy you something.”

“Yeah, sure. I’m not hungry but I can sit with you.”

Holding your hand, he walked with you to the building cafeteria and like any good girlfriend, you sat next to him listening to him tell you about the long trials and tribulations of his day. You smiled, nodding where you were supposed to and frowning at things he seemed annoyed with. After thirty minutes of his hour lunch, you desperately needed a break. 

“I’m going to go get a drink. I’ll be right back.”

Jacob smiled as you tilted down to kiss him before turning to head towards the area with drinks and food. As you stood there staring into the void of soda options, a strong cologne smell hit your nose that had you dizzy as your eyes fluttered closed. You’d know that smell anywhere, inhaling it so many times in the past. 

Steve smiles as he watches you walk around his room in one of his polos that hangs down your body like a nightgown, just barely covering the love bites and bruises from his fingers that were starting to form on your thighs. Lifting an expensive looking glass bottle to your nose, you grin to yourself as you inhale and put it back down. 

“I love the way that stuff smells.”

“Yeah. My dad says it’s a good smell for ‘classy men’.”, he chuckles.

“Hm. I guess he doesn’t know you very well.”

“Fuck you. I’m classy.”, Steve teases as his grin grows, yanking your arm so you fall on top of him as he folds his hands together behind your lower back. “Classy enough to land a pretty girl like you.”

“Y/N?” 

As you turn your head, your eyes lock with his slightly stunned honey-colored irises as they scan you up and down. You begin to feel slightly self-conscious in your leggings and regular t-shirt compared to his slick black suit and well styled hair.

“Holy shit. What…What are you doing here? Do you work here?”, Steve asks.

“Uh, no. My, uh, my boyfriend actually does.” You turn and point to where he was nonchalantly eating, not even looking in your direction. “What are you doing here?”

“My dad followed through and gave me his company. We finally expanded out of Hawkins so I bought this place.”

“Yeah, I heard. Congratulations.” His eyes continue to rake over you making you more and more anxious the longer you stood there. “Well, I better get back before his hour ends.”

A shiver ran up your spine as his hand reached out to grab your arm. 

“Wait. I’d like to talk to you some more and catch up. Do you want to meet me for dinner? I’m free tonight if you are.”

“Steve… I’m with someone. I can’t have dinner or anything else with an ex or whatever the fuck we were. I’m happy now.”

The smirk that painted his beautiful lips startled you as you stood up straighter.

“Oh your happy, huh? You should tell that to your face. That guy’s your boyfriend? Guy barely seems like he can get it up let alone satisfy a woman like you.”

“Define woman like me?”, you inquire sarcastically. 

“A strong, gorgeous woman who liked to be fucked hard and put in her place.” Steve’s eyes remain on you as your own widen as you look around hoping now one was close enough to hear his not-so-subtle tone. “Tell me, honey, does he know you called me Daddy? I imagine not because if you were my girl and I found out you ever called someone else that you wouldn’t be able to sit down for weeks.”

“Thank God, I’m not your fucking girl.”, you snarled. “You were never man enough to make that commitment.”

As you both stared daggers into each other’s eyes a sudden hand on your shoulder brings you back. 

“Baby, everything ok?”, your boyfriend asks way too calmly. 

“Yeah, Jacob, I’m fine. I was just introducing myself to the owner of your company.”

Steve’s eyes immediately softened as you watched him play the role he always played extremely well; charming and popular.

“Steve Harrington. Nice to meet you, Jacob. Y/N and I go way back.”

“Oh. I thought you said you didn’t know him, sweetie.”

Your ex’s eyes narrow in your direction in faux shock making you sigh in annoyance. 

“I didn’t know him. I knew OF him. Everyone knew who Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington was. Unfortunately, I wasn’t popular enough to penetrate his circle.”

“Hm, but I was to penetrate yours.”, he sassed with an arrogant confidence that just made you angry. 

“Nice seeing you again, Harrington. Come on, baby.”

Steve watches you both walk away with a determined gaze that you can feel burning into your back as you headed towards your table.

“He seems nice. What was he like in school? Do you remember?”

“You didn’t call me like you said you would.”

“I was busy, Y/N.”, he answers nonchalantly, not even meeting your eyes as he continues putting things in his locker. “I figured when you didn’t hear from me, you’d just fuck the next guy.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, seriously?! Steve, for some fucking reason I like you. I only want to be with you but it kills me when you don’t follow through with your promises. You say you’ll call and you don’t. You say we’ll go on an official date finally and then last minute you change plans but still call me to come over late at night so you can fuck me. It’s push and pull with you. You act like you want me but then you don’t. I can’t… I can’t keep waiting for you.”

Slamming his locker closed, he finally turns to face you with a look that said he really didn’t care. 

“Then don’t.”

“Yeah…I remember him. Steve Harrington was a complete asshole.”

##############

You managed to steer clear of Steve and anything having to do with him for a few months after your encounter with him until you couldn’t anymore.

“Baby, it’s an office party. Come on, we have to go.”

“Then go, Jacob, but I’d rather just stay here.”

“Y/N, you’re my girlfriend and this is important to me. Everyone I know will be there including clients. I want them to meet the woman I love.”

You can’t help but sigh at his statement from your place in the closet. You cared about your boyfriend, you genuinely did but love? That was big word with a big meaning. 

“FUCK YOU!”, you shout as you run out into the hallway and yank your arm away from Steve as he tries to stop you while buckling up his pants. “I’m so stupid. DON’T fucking touch me.”

Growling, he pushed you into another empty room and closed the door behind him as he continued to put his clothes back on. 

“Lower your fucking voice—”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want the entire party to know what an asshole you really are!” His hand tries to block your mouth but you angrily swat him away causing him to back up and hold his hands up defensively. “You TOLD ME that we could make this serious. That we would finally have a REAL relationship and then I find you here fucking Lori! Are you kidding me?”

“Y/N, I—”

“I told you I loved you, Steve. I’ve never said that to anyone!” Tears started to fall down your face as you hugged your arms around your body. “You’re never going to claim me, are you? You’re never going to call me your girlfriend. I was just another fuck buddy, wasn’t I?”

When he doesn’t respond, you shove his chest hard. 

“ANSWER ME!”

“YES! YES, OKAY?! Excuse me for not wanting to fucking hurt you. You knew what this was, honey. Its…It’s not my fault…you caught feelings.”

That night you ran. You told your parents you loved them, packed a small bag, and left Hawkins to Indianapolis swearing to yourself that this would never happen again. Ever since that night, you had been so numb to most emotions but especially ones that included romance. 

“Ok. Let me get ready and I’ll meet you downstairs. 

***

If you ran into Steve Harrington again, this time you would be ready. Wearing your shortest black dress and highest black heels, you strutted into Jacob’s office party with a demeanor that had everyone turning their heads. 

With a gigantic grin on his face, your boyfriend introduced you to people and showed you off the way you deserved. 

I should be enjoying this. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal!?

“Hey, baby, I’m going to run to the restroom.” 

After giving him a sweet kiss, you powerwalk to the girl’s bathroom and lean over the sink as you stare at yourself in the mirror. 

What’s wrong with me?

The door abruptly opens making you jump as you quickly pretend to be washing hands until a familiar aroma grabs your attention. 

“Steve! What the fuck are you doing?! This is the girl’s bathroom!”

“Pfft like that ever stopped me before.” His eyes hungrily drank you in as you did the same. In high school he always dressed well but it was rare you saw him in suits. Now you imagined he wore them all the time and they accentuated his body in a way that had your mouth watering. 

“I was watching you around the party with your boyfriend. You seem…sad.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Hm. Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?”

“Fuck off, Harrington. Alright? I left you and Hawkins for a reason. Just give me some peace.”

“Yeah, you did leave. You didn’t even say goodbye.”, he replied with an undertone of anger you couldn’t quite fathom. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. When should I have done that? While you were fucking the school slut or after you told me you didn’t love me.”

“I didn’t say that. I never said I didn’t love you.”

“PLEASE! You said I should have known what our relationship was and it wasn’t your fault I caught feelings for you! What was I supposed to take from that?!”

“Do you think my dad would have let us be together?! A rich Harrington with a poor Y/L/N? This isn’t a fairy tale, Y/N!”

“Of course! Steve Harrington, always looking out for himself!”

“What did you want me to do?!”

“I WANTED YOU TO FIGHT FOR ME!”

The bathroom door swings open again and you quickly grab his arm, shoving him into an empty stall as a group of girls gather at the sinks. As you listen to them talk, your head hangs as your brain swims in memories of the past. 

You never cared that he was a Harrington or that he had a ton of money attached to his name. Even though you two had a lot of bad moments, to you, the good always outweighed them. Steve always knew how to make you laugh and smile (when he showed up). He would come over on Friday nights with a movie and some food (because he didn’t want to risk you both being seen). At night when he would sneak through your window (at 1am), you would lay on his chest and talk about everything you both could think of (after he fucked you like a whore). 

Fingers gently lifted your chin, tilting your head so your eyes could meet his. As a tear fell down your cheek, he tenderly wiped it away with his thumb before cupping your face with his hands. You closed your eyes as his lips kissed your forehead, slowly trailing them down to your nose, and hovering just above your own.

Closing the distance, you pulled his mouth to yours as your palms slid down his back, trying to bring him closer to your body. 

You never forgot the taste of his kisses but you were grateful for the reminder. 

After forcing open your legs with his knee, your dress hiked up a bit allowing him easier access to your panty covered core as his hand effortlessly pressed the silky materiel against your clit. Biting your lip to stifle the moan, you felt him smile as his mouth latched on to your neck. Your eyes rolled as his tongue licked your skin and his fingers moved your underwear out of the way so he could guide two of them into your entrance.

Steve’s elbow locked in place as your knees started to buckle, holding you against the tile wall as you clung to his shoulders. It took every ounce of energy you had to remain quiet as his digits curled inside of you. The girls outside of the stall continued to gossip, completely unaware that the owner of their company was about to make their coworker’s girlfriend come undone.

Leaning back to look at you, the tip of his nose lightly grazed yours as your mouth fell open in a silent moan. Nodding his head, his beautiful eyes were begging you for something he needed you to say. Something he hadn’t heard since you left and you hadn’t said to anyone but him. 

“Please…Daddy.”, you mouthed and without hesitation he gripped the back of your neck, pulling your head to his shoulder as he pumped his fingers faster into your cunt.

The bathroom door banged shut as the women left and a loud moan you had been holding on to echoed through the room as you reached down to grip his wrist, trembling against him as you came. Yanking you back, he crashed his lips to yours as your tongues mingled together. 

“Please…please…”, you whimper as you push at his hand.

“It’s been a while, huh? Since you’ve had something big inside of you.”, he teased, grinning when your breathily laughed. “God, I missed you so much. I thought about you every day for the past five years. I love you, honey.” 

Something in your look gave him pause as he scanned your face. 

“What?” Pushing him backwards, you threw open the door to the stall while adjusting your dress and quickly checking yourself in the mirror to make sure you looked at least how you did when you came in here. “Hey, talk to me. What’s—”

As he reached for your arm, you turned around and smacked his cheek.

“How dare you. You think after everything you put me through you can just walk back into my life and expect things to be how they were?! I’m in a healthy relationship for once. He doesn’t bail on dates or disappear when I need him. Jacob actually shows me off and tells people I’m his girlfriend that he loves! I don’t cry every night because of something he said or did! I don’t—”

“Have sex the way you want?”, Steve interrupted snidely. “You don’t actually have any fucking fun because he’s so fucking boring you just want to walk into traffic. He doesn’t challenge you or make feel needed. He doesn’t know how fucking numb you really are. Jesus…”, he snickers. “You’re definitely not the same girl that left me.”

“That’s right because you broke her fucking heart!”

“Does he know that you don’t love him?” You freeze by the door at his question. “Does he know that you, honey, are exactly like me whether you like it or not. There’s a reason you’ve thought of me every day to. That’s the same reason you’re afraid to leave him.”

“Our relationship…was toxic…”

Tilting his head to the side, he reached into his suit pocket, grabbing a pack of cigarettes, and lighting one between his teeth. 

“That may be but that also doesn’t change the fact that you and I, baby girl, thrive on that shit.”

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you shake your head before addressing him and turning to leave.

“Stay away from me, Steven.”

#############

“Oof.”, Jacob groans as he slinks out of his suit jacket and throws himself down on the sofa. “It was a long day. We have a big account that landed in our lap and even your friend has been staying late to help.”

“He’s not my friend.”, you mumble as you continue focusing on the sink in front of you. 

You hadn’t been able to shake Steve from your brain since the party. Hell, you hadn’t been able to shake him for the last 5 years. You thought about him constantly but knew he was bad for you. Part of what got you through the heartache was telling yourself that he wasn’t missing you; that he didn’t care at all where you were or if you were even happy. 

But here he was telling you the opposite. Was he lying or did he genuinely care? From the few interactions you had with him he still seemed exactly the same. God, why couldn’t you get the warm fuzzy feelings he gave you with someone healthy?! Why did you have to fall in love with him? Why did he rile you up and get you going but by doing the worst things. 

“Honey? Are you alright? You seem kind of—”

“I’m fine, Jacob. I’m just exhausted.”

His hand gently caressed your back as his chin rested on your shoulder. “I understand. Is there anything I can do?”

Angrily, you slammed the plate in your hand back into sink, lightly pushing him aside as you entered the living room and began to pace. 

“Baby, what’s going on?”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO ME!”, you shout as frustrated tears began to fall. “Why do you alwayshave to be so nice?”

“How else should I be, Y/N?”

“I don’t know! Fucking…tell me to stop being a bitch or raise your voice a little bit. Throw me against a wall and fuck me into submission.” 

“Y/N, I still don’t get it. You’re telling me you want me to hurt you?”

“NO! I just want you to stop being so fucking passive! Show a bit more passion! How can you live life like this!? If you’re angry just be fucking angry and then do something about it!”

Placing his hands on his hips, his eyes glance over you as if confused on how to proceed. 

“You know what? Um, fuck it. I’m sorry, honey. I just…I had a weird day and I’m taking it out on you.” Wiping your eyes, you hastily grab your jacket from the nearby closet, and sling it over your shoulders. “I’m just going to go for a drive.”

“Y/N, wait! It’s pouring!”

Shutting the door, you cut him off as you stand in the yard and let the rainwater hit your face. It had been so long since you felt amped up like this. Backing out of your driveway, you head to the one person you know will understand.

***

“Yeah? What? I’m busy.”

“Uh Mr. Harrington, there’s a young lady here that says she knows you and was wondering if she could come up to talk to you.”

“I see. Carl? Does the young lady have a name or are we just letting any random women into the building?”,Steve asked the security guard sarcastically through intercom that connected to the top two floors. 

“Um, Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Ok, send her up.”, he sighs almost as if he’s annoyed by your presence. 

You bounce anxiously in the elevator as you take the ride up to the top floor and as soon as the doors ding open, you power walk towards the lighted up office at the end of hall.

“Y/N.”, Steve exhales without looking in your direction. “I’m extremely busy so if this isn’t important then make it quick.” When his eyes finally land on your soaked, agitated frame, his whole demeanor shifted as he came around his desk and cupped your face in his hands. “Jesus Christ, honey. What the fuck is going on? Are you alright?”

Tilting up on your toes, you hungerly press your lips against his.

“Baby…Baby…hang on…Stop!”, he shouts sternly as he pulls you back. “Tell me what happened right now.”

“You said you missed me and that you loved me.”, you pant as you try to tug out of his grip. “I didn’t. I didn’t miss you at all. The only thing I ever loved about you was your dick, Harrington.”

His eyes narrowed as his head tilted trying to get a read on you. 

“Why are you lying, little girl? You’re not supposed to lie to me remember?”

“Said the liar. I bet you didn’t miss me either with all that pussy you were getting back at Hawkins.”

“I can get pussy and still miss yours. The only difference is I actually enjoyed fucking those gorgeous women. When’s the last time you were fucked properly?”

“Jacob can get the job done. Trust me.”, you sass. 

“Then tell me, baby, why are you here with me?”

“Because I’m an idiot! Maybe, I should go home.”

As you turned to leave, he roughly grabbed your arm, spun you around, and kissed you again. It was a rough kiss loaded with need as you both clung to each other, you a bit more desperately than him. 

“Where’s my girl? I want my Y/N.”, he snarled angrily as he pulled your hair back, tilting your face up to meet his. 

“I told you. She’s gone.”

“I don’t believe you.” Pushing you down onto your knees, he continues to hold you firmly as he unbuckled and unbuttoned his pants with one hand. “I think she’s still there. She’s just hidden behind this false facade of someone ‘normal’.” As his slacks fall to his ankles, his cock springs free, and you salivate at the sight as he pumps it slowly in front of your face. “But we aren’t normal, are we, baby?”

As you try to lean forward to take him into your mouth, Steve pulls on your hair harder forcing you back while leaning down till his face was just inches above your own. 

“Ah, see? There she is. Hidden right under there.” His tone is full of snark but his beautiful features remain stoic as he continues to glare down at you. “Come on, honey. Give me what you got.”

Rearing back, a glob of spit leaves your mouth and lands just above his nose.

“Fuck you, Steve Harrington. I hate you.”

Wiping his hand over his face, he collects your saliva and strokes it along his cock.

“Jesus, baby, your anger and attitude just really fucking get me off.” Lifting you off your knees, he pushes you onto his desk, tearing off your jacket and shirt before slamming your back against the wood as your head hangs over the other side. 

You try to get up but he’s faster, holding his palm against your chest as he comes around his desk. 

“You remember our word right, Y/N? I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot it. I imagine you haven’t needed it with the extremely mundane almost tedious style sex you’ve been having over the years.”, he chuckles, laughing at his own snark as you pout angrily beneath him. “DO you remember?”

“Yes I fucking remember!”

The palm on your chest slides easily up your skin and takes hold of your throat.

“Yes, you remember what?”

“I remember our safe word.”

Rolling his eyes, he lets you go just long enough to slap your cheek hard before holding you down again. 

“Yes, WHAT?!”

“YES, DADDY, I REMEMBER OUR FUCKING WORD!”

Steve’s hand moves behind your head, holding you up slightly as his leaking tip touches your lips, exhaling heavily when your tongue darts out to lick his slit and you moan at the taste of him. Opening your mouth wider, you allow him to push his cock in till he promptly hits the back of your throat making you gag. 

“That’s it, baby, take it like a good girl.”

Thrusting his hips, you flatten your tongue allowing him to use you as he pleases. Abruptly, the phone blares on his desk startling you but annoying him as he angrily grunts at the device. 

“God fucking damn it. Can’t have one fucking moment. Don’t move.”, he growls as he leans over to pick up the receiver. “Yeah, this is Harrington.” His long fingers grip your hair tighter as his cock subtly slides between your lips unable to remain still as your wet, slobber filled mouth warms him. 

“Seriously? This is why you called at 10pm? We have it covered. I have faith in the employees here.”

Even though his voice remained relatively calm despite what was happening, you knew him well enough to know he was using all his energy to do so. Deciding to rile him further, your hand reached up above you and gently massaged his balls the way you knew drove him crazy back in school. 

“Look, stop panicking. I-I-I…” You smiled in triumph as Steve stuttered over his words. “Fuck. No not you. Clark, just…just tell my dad to calm the fuck down. I haven’t run his company into the ground yet and I don’t…don’t plan on doing it any time soon.”

Slamming the phone back on the hook, he grips the side of your head with both hands as he thrusts his hips at a faster pace. 

“Did you think that was funny, little girl?! Did you think it was funny watching me squirm?” Holding you still, he stops moving when he feels your nose against his sack, grunting as your throat constricts around him. “That’s it, you fucking brat. Choke on it.”

Pulling himself all the way out, he allows you to collect air and watches with pride as the tears streak down your face. Once he feels like you’ve had enough of a break, he shoves his cock back down your throat, holding you still as you gag and drool around him. 

A frustrated sigh leaves his lips as he tugs you off him and walks around to the other side of the desk while shuffling off his pants as he unbuttons his shirt. 

“Come here, baby.”

As you fully sit up, you raise your hips so he can aggressively yank down your pants with your panties. Bringing you towards the edge of his desk, he falls to his knees, and puts your cunt on display for himself as he uses his fingers to hold open your puffy lips. 

“Fuck, sweetheart. I missed this pussy so much. You always smelled so fucking good.” You moan as Steve’s nose grazes your clit and his tongue licks between your folds. “Shit. And you tasted so fucking delicious to.”

His head falls between your legs and your fingers tangle in hair as he devours you like you were his last meal. The obscene sounds of slurps and his tongue flicking in and out of your core has you clenching tightly around him as your eyes roll to the back of your head. 

“Please, don’t stop, Steve. Oh my god.”, you whine. 

As your hips start to buck against him, his strong hands hold you down forcing you to stay still. You continue petting his head, occasionally tugging on his fluffy, soft strands making his groan reverberate through you. 

The phone beside you blares loudly again and he grunts in agitation as he gets to his feet, grabbing the cord to yank it from the wall. 

Taking his place between your legs, you both moan as he runs his mushroom tip along you slit and rests his forehead on yours.

“Beg me, Y/N. Tell me how bad you want my cock that you love oh so much and not me.”

“Please, Steve, I need—”

His palm around your throat cuts you off.

“No, little girl. Remember? You don’t care about me anymore. You don’t give a fuck about Steve Harrington. All you want is my dick right? Well, honey, this dick belongs to Daddy so beg him.”, he growled causing your breath to hitch. 

“Please, Daddy. I’m sorry. I need you to fuck me. I need to feel you fill me up.”

“Do you think you deserve it?”

“No.”, you whisper, your answer intriguing him as his head shifts to the side. “But I need it.”

Your hands run up his chest till you reach his neck, clinging to him as he slowly guides himself inside of you. You mouth dropped open in the shape of an O as he gradually pumps his hips, pushing himself deeper into your heat. 

“God damnit, Y/N, how long has it been? Your pussy isn’t used to a big cock anymore is she? You’re so fucking tight.”

“Still s-so cocky.”

Steve chuckles lightly, his head hanging as he bottoms out. 

“Still a fucking brat.”

Gripping both your thighs, he pulls back before thrusting his length hard inside of you, practically punching the air from your lungs. Falling flat onto his desk, he finds a steady pace that leaves the two of you panting and moaning.

Leaning his upper body over yours, his lips kiss yours sloppily as your tongues dance together.

“Fuck, baby girl, no one has ever taken my cock as well as you.” His face falls into the nook between your neck and shoulder as he bites at the flesh. “This pussy was made for me, Y/N.”

“Harder, Daddy.”

Taking hold of you, he lifts you off his desk and places you on the floor, lifting one of your legs over his shoulder as he pounds into you.

“Like that, honey? Yeah. Daddy knows. Daddy can take care of you.” With one hand clinging to your leg for leverage, he utilizes his other to bring his thumb to your clit making you whimper as his cock abuses your g-spot. “Cum, pretty girl. Cum all over my dick.”

Perching yourself up on your elbows, your eyes lock with his giving him more determination to push you over that ledge. When you do finally fall, he grunts at the feeling, fucking you through it as his thumb moves faster against you. 

“Atta girl. Fuck me. Your pussy won’t stop pulling me in. You really needed Daddy, huh, baby?”

Shakily your hand grabbed his wrist, silently begging him to stop and to your surprise he did, bringing his palm up to caress your cheek. Focusing on his own pleasure, he slammed into you so hard that you knew you would be sore tomorrow. 

Falling flat against your body, he rolled his hips a few more times before warming your insides with his release. 

The two of you laid together quietly for a few moments until he finally rolled on to his back. Sneaking a glance your way, Steve noticed you were trembling and sat up to grab his jacket off the floor where he had tossed it to place it over your body like a blanket. 

“Thank you.”, you murmur as you bring it up closer to your neck. 

“For the jacket or the sex?” As you turn your head to look at him, he does the same. “That’s what you came here for right? Because I know it wasn’t for me. I guaran-God damn-tee if your boyfriend or any other guy fucked you the way I did, you’d be with them right now.”

“You’re right.” Steve huffed as he fully sat up and leaned against the sofa he had in his office. “What do you want me say, Harrington? I tried for two years to get you to claim me and every time you pushed me away.”

“And every time you still came back.”

“So that gave you license to treat me like garbage?!”

“No! I’m just… I’m just saying there’s a reason for that.”

“Yeah and not a good one. Steve…what we have…had… yeah the sex is amazing but everything else is unhealthy. The missed dates, angry calls, the fighting, the fucking cheating… we are toxic.”

He sighs heavily before giving you his full attention.

“Yeah, well, if we’re toxic then I’d rather go down with you than anyone else.” Shaking your head, you get to your feet as you quickly grab your clothes and start to put them on. “I know you feel the same, Y/N, or else you wouldn’t be here. You like all that bullshit because at least you’re feeling something other than fucking boredom. Trust me, I tried to. I tried doing the healthy ‘normal’ thing. I wanted to fucking gouge my eyes out by the end of the day. It took me awhile to realize that all the women I was with including her… I just kept wishing they were you.”

“This was a mistake. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“No, no, no, no, honey. Please, trust me. I feel like we can make this work.”

“Well, I don’t.”

Backing away from you, he folded his arms as he leaned against his desk. You knew this look very well, always referring to it as “the shutdown”. His wall was going up which means he was going to make this situation as complicated as possible.

The butterflies in your tummy fluttered in anticipation at the notion.

Why am I like this? Why can’t I be normal?

“Ok, Y/N. We can play this game but just remember, little girl, I’m way better at it than you.”

############

@daysinthephoenix @sophiejayne-illustrations713

[thegoober010]

‘Tis I! Paw Print anon!!!

Im going INSANEEEEE over your writing right now.

Could you write a Sans x reader where reader has body image issues and is too scared to leave because they’re scared of being judged?

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH IN ADVANCE, YOUR WRITING ALWAYS MAKES MY DAY A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER!!!!

-🐾

OMG TYSM IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE MY WRITING PAW PRINT ANON AAAA <333!!!!!

AND OFC I CAN :D!!!! GAAAA IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE MY WRITING SO MUCH IM SUPER GLAD TO BE MAKING SOMEONES DAY BETTER MWEHEHHEHEEH

TW/CWS -> body dysmorphia, social anxiety

gender neutral reader!!

word count -> 1k/1,803

please remember that if you are having any issues with your body and feel bad about how you appear please remember your body is not all that defines you, you are the books you read, the shows you watch, the movies you enjoy, the clothes you like, the way you shows you wear, you are so much more than just the body you are in, you are the soul, the emotions you feel, the things you enjoy and the way you treat others please remember to take care of your body but do remember that just because you seem 'different' does not make you any less normal or beautiful than anyone else darling, if anyone wants to vent my kms are open for everyone <3!!

"I punish my body 'cause it's not good enough for me"

Why did you have to look like this? You hated it, ever since you were young you just hated the way your body was, you could never really see yourself as someone worthy of being loved especially when you thought of your body so lowly, you thought someone would have never loved you for how you look. You hated looking in the mirror because you'd always look too much at your body, your stomach, your chest, your thighs, your arms, every body part, you'd always pick through them and find something new to hate about it. You truly wish you could change, you've tried so many things yet nothing works, nothing seems to do is make things worse in the end with your relationship with food and yourself. Why did it have to be like this? Are you truly this unworthy of change that you can't change this body? Are you truly that undeserving of love that you deserve this 'awful' body you're in? Why can't you just be pretty, why can't you have a better body? You hated every second of your damn existence for looking like this.

You stayed inside of San's room most of the time if we're being honest, after you made your way out of Toriel's home and met Sans you two became rather good friends. He let you stay over and he appreciated you helping him out with Papyrus since he can be quite a lot to deal with at times due to his energy, so he appreciated the help. But he quickly took notice of your habit of just staying hogged up inside his or Papyrus's room, not bothering to go outside or to meet other people- or well monsters, he knew you probably had a fear of socializing or was uncomfortable with the idea of going out due to being judged but he was concerned, he always tried to take you out to some place nearby to try and get you more comfortable going out one step at a time, but it never really worked. He was trying his best to get you to go out and enjoy the underground but you just didn't really want to. It frustrated him at times but he understood why a bit, he didn't know your full reasoning but he did know you were probably scared to put yourself out there.

You sat on San's bed hugging your knees and being covered up in a blanket burrito watching some bad reality tv before hearing the sound of footsteps which was soon followed by a quick knock on the door. You turned your head over, hiding yourself in the blanket a bit more, you liked having something to cover your body up, it helped you not think about it as much when it's covered like this. You hummed in confusion as you looked at the door, pausing the show. Sans opened the door slightly before swinging it open, he took off his slippers and sat down next to you. "Well, I'm back." Sans said smiling, he stared at you for quick second before looking over at what you were watching on the television. "Whatcha watching?" he asked as you shrugged, "I don't even know myself, it's just whatever was on." You replied, letting out a small chuckle. Sans snorted slightly before wrapping an arm around you, chuckling. He patted your shoulder as he looked at the TV. "Pff, hm well I wanted to ask uh do ya wanna go out to Grilby's with me? They have a new item on the menu or something, I heard it's good." Sans asked, taking his hands off and resting them on his lap. You give him an awkward grin before shaking your head. "Uh yeah no I'm uh fine, but you go enjoy it if you'd like." You reply. Sans stared at you for a bit before sighing. "Okay, thats fine." He nodded in acknowledgment. "It's fine.... uh but why don't you ever want to like... go out kid? I understand you don't wanna go out right now but uh, it's just a bit strange you never want to leave, is there anything you want to talk about..?" Sans asked, his voice becoming softer as his concern started to become more apparent. You stare at him for a bit, quickly turning away as you realize he was truly concerned for your well being. How could you explain without tearing up? To be honest you were never good at talking about your feelings, you hated it to be honest it made you feel... weak for some reason. "Uh no I'm fine, I just don't feel like going out right now." You lie. Sans raises a brow. "Hm sure..." Sans muttered, he let out a sigh before putting his hand on your shoulder, causing you to turn your head to him. "Is this about.... you? How you feel about yourself?" Sans asked, he didn't want to ask so direct about the question but he just had to ask, he couldn't just not, it's been a huge concern for a while and it's time to address it.

You stare at him, for a long, long time, staying silent on the matter as your eyes went wide from how he just asked so directly. I mean, he wasn't really wrong... it was just shocking how direct he was about asking such a question and how he guessed it correctly. Your silence gave him the answer he needed. "It is, isn't it" Sans said, it wasn't even a question, he had already figured it out. "When did you become so observant?" You joked, trying to make the mood lighter, plus you didn't really want to focus one your issues, it felt selfish of you to, but you took notice of the way Sans looked at you that he wasn't in the mood to joke around, which was a bit surprising to be honest. "Ever since you came here and we started to talk more and become friends you've acted quite strange in all my encounters, you're a great friend but.... I can notice you have low self-esteem, I mean I know I can't really be one to talk but jeez kid, you hide your body a lot with oversized clothes, you hate it when someone points out something about you eating too much or too little, you make it rather obvious that you're uncomfortable going out in public and you always try hiding yourself whenever you do, and it's not even your face you try to hide it's mainly your body. Look if you ever need to talk about anything I'm here for you kiddo, it's not good to bottle up your feelings or to feel bad about your body." Sans wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer trying his best to not make you uncomfortable but also trying his best to reassure you. His tone was filled with concern. You tensed up at the sudden physical contact but also due to his words.

Is he really that observant? Does he actually... care that much for you that he noticed such things...? You couldn't help but tear up from his words, never have you ever seen someone be so concerned for you and be so genuinly kind to you to the point that they tell you how much they care for you, it feels.. strange yet, so, so comforting. It feels like someone actually finally cares for you, even though you're like this, you look like this, he is concerned for you and is trying to.. help you despite appearances. You burst into silent sobs, causing Sans to stare shocked, he wasn't so sure what to do as he just pat your back, pulling you closer. "Shh, shh it's okay it's okay... uh I guess I was right huh..." Sans mumbled the last part to himself as he rubbed your back in circles, trying his best to reassure you. "Look kid, if you're feeling bad about your body just know, people still love you for who you are and not just how you look. You shouldn't be scared to go out because you're worried you'll be judged for how you look, because your body isn't all that matters, you aren't just your body kiddo, you're so much more than that and people will love you for so much more than just your body, okay." Sans muttered near your ear, rubbing your back in circles while his other hand held you close by the hip. He took his hand and lifted up towards your face, gently grabbing it to make you look up at him. He wiped away your tears. "Shh, it's okay, I'm here for you now, I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier to help you sooner." He said softly, you pulled him closer to you, finally calming down a bit. "No, it's not your fault, I'm sorry." You mumble, your voice cracking ever so slightly. "I just.. I can't imagine anyone actually- liking.. me for anything else or people not judging me for.. for how I look." You mutter, your voice cracking as you try to stop yourself from crying even more. Sans sighed softly as he rubbed your back once more, trying to reassure you. "I like you." Sans said. "Papyrus does too, and Toriel, and Undyne- well Undyne kinda but you get what I mean. We didn't judge you for how you look and we care for you, of course not everyone doesn't judge but, most people won't judge you for just going out and being yourself, of course there will always be people who will but that shouldn't stop you from feeling confident in the body you're in, plus there's so many people out there, there's bound to be someone who loves you for who you are and not just for your appearance, how you look isn't always the reason for a relationship and there's bound to be someone out there who will love you for who you are instead of how you look." Sans said, he was trying his best to comfort you as he had you wrapped around his arms. He rubbed circles on your back while the other was rubbing your hair, trying to comfort you a bit more. You felt a bit better from his words, of course this won't automatically make you feel better about everything but it helps knowing he's there for you... it helps knowing he cares. It'll help you a lot more in the long run of you trying to feel better about yourself knowing he's there for you."I'm here for you okay, and I'll help you every step of the way, okay" Sans gently grabbed your face making you look up at him as you started to calm down.

"I love you too much to let you hate yourself."

[twobruhsinahottub]

TW: health concerns, doctors being assholes, vent / rant, long text post

Worried that i may be developing tardive dyskinesia- im on antipsychotic meds and have been for years now, i take a very low dose but have a lot of side effects already and now im getting facial tics relatively often....tho i also get other tics so maybe its some other thing, but ALL my tics are centred around my head/neck/face area. I should see a doctor but a few years ago i was getting vocal tics and facial tics and asked my doctor about it and he said it was just anxiety and its "common for teenage girls to think they have tics because its trendy on social media" so idk. Hes not my doc anymore but i dont trust doctors to really listen to me about my symptoms.

Also been getting migraines all the time, bad pains each month, dizziness, the shakes, and seeing stars and feeling faint and nauseous.....most symptoms of genetic conditions that run in the family, such as diabetes, and pcos, and migraines. Again, i should see a doctor but-

My GP is transphobic and fatphobic and rather rude and ableist which baffles me since shes a DOCTOR. Shes also my mums GP and she constantly tells her she needs to lose weight or have weight loss surgery and that shes not really disabled (she has EDS, POTS, fibro, CFS, amongst other things) shes just lazy and using "buzz words" from the internet (shes had these conditions since before the internet was invented ffs, she just finally has words to describe her symptoms since those conditions weren't widely talked about until recently)!!! The doc also refuses to use my pronouns despite having asked me in the first place or listen to me when I ask about medical transition. She also refuses to acknowledge my chronic pain and menstruation problems (cause of my pain, its constant, and so is the bleeding....also pmdd) saying "all girls feel that way" (um sorry? No? No other girls i know spend weeks with excruciating pain and cant leave the house due to pain and bleeding for at least a week per month if not more. No other girls i know end up in a psych ward because of how bad their suicidal ideation gets before their period is due.). She also refuses to listen to my mum when she peaks on my behalf due to verbal shutdown in the doctors office and inability to make phone calls due to it triggering shutdowns as well, she says im old enough to talk so i need to be in control (i am. I control what my mum says on my behalf. I tell her before we go in what i need to say, and she relays that. I nod or shake my head or shrug to her so she knows my answer to questions. I have a system of taps or sometimes text her to tell her to stop talking or say something further. I AM communicating, i just shut down verbally and cannot communicate to anyone but her when at a doctor appointment) and she won't listen to what my mum says, and asks us to leave when i dissociate and ignore all attempts at communication when she insists i verbally speak to her (at that point, nothing will work, because i feel incredibly pressured and then wont communicate at all to anyone, and often melt down or panic).

^ and no, just cant get a new GP. My current one is an hours drive away because there are none taking new patients in my area, and im out of zone for all the youth services due to my town bordering two regions. If theres any taking patients then its either more than an hour away and simply impractical to get there when needed, or it costs too much to get an appointment. Not to mention my communication struggles are worse with new people, especially doctors, and ive had the same doctor since birth so :/

I also dont have a counsellor or psychiatrist because despite having specific funding for it, there are none in my area! I had a great one then she quit, and the CAMHS one fired me for not speaking (??????) and again, new people? Hard.

Fuck I hate this and my developing health problems. I was healthy my entire life, like i didnt even get a cold more than once every couple years!!! I always had mental health problems but never physical. Now i feel like shit constantly. It all started with puberty which is also when yk, doctors decided that everything was "teenage girl syndrome" or just anxiety 🙄

[bitetherabbit]

vent// tw sh and emotional abuse

im crying and i feel so paralyzed and i can't move from my bed and i don't feel real and i just wish someone could come to me and say "it's gonna be ok, i see you, you're going through it right now and that's ok" but nobody ever checks in! my family? even though they know what i've been through but they never ask me about it or how i'm doing. do i even have any friends? i have one close friend who asks me how i am but they're going through their own shit right now so i just avoid talking about how im really feeling so i don't burden them with it. aside from that nobody ever contacts me to just chat or anything. none of my old friends. or my online friends. im always the one reaching out but it never lasts they don't keep the convo going and it dies out again. so nothing from nobody. i have to be the one to take care of myself and i have a hard enough time doing that on a good day. another fucking day wasted. today is gone and ive done nothing except hate myself and shut down. i have so many chores piled up that need doing and with executive dysfunction on top of dissociation im just ignoring everything making it worse for myself. i was awake for 5 hours before i remembered to eat something, and now it's been 5 more hours. my awareness of my body's needs becomes even worse when i feel depressed. and the WORST part of all this is i can't stop thinking about HIM. if he didn't fucking treat me the way he did when i was growing up maybe i'd be a somewhat functional person now, instead of having to deal with my own brain sabotaging me because im stuck in a trauma response without any way to practice healthier coping strategies. and i made the mistake of reading old messages because i go through cycles of not believing what happened to me, and it's like i constantly need to prove it to myself with the evidence i still have (written words). are you happy Dad??? is this what you wanted for me??? how could someone fucking do this to a child and not be aware of it?? and people do WORSE SHIT than what i experienced! it's fucking FUCKED UP. and now i feel FUCKED UP and broken because of it. like who survives this crap and thinks "ah yes, when i feel bad now i'm gonna cut myself! that's a solution!" why is that a thing the brain does????? but rereading shit he'd say to me and knowing now how manipulative it was sometimes helps me not feel misplaced guilt, as if it's my fault for the way he treated me. i think i have such a hard time understanding and believing my trauma because there's that disconnect between: either he's aware of the abuse and is pretending to be innocent or that's just genuinely how he is and doesn't see a problem with it and doesn't realize he's guilty of abuse, and i can't wrap my mind around either when he claims he knows me and he loves me and im his kid and he wants the best for me. whichever way it is it doesn't make any sense!!!! i just wish i could forget about it!!! when i'm feeling good i don't usually think about him. but when i feel bad it's more prominent because i get in my head about the reason i am this way is because of him. this is his fault. this is his fault. i am not at fault. i was a child. i deserved better. i am safe now. he can't hurt me anymore. it's ok to cry. it's ok.

[sangoqueenkoko]

i "hate" ocean stuff!

some angst, some fluff

wendigoon/reader - BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ANYWHERE-

MAIN MASTERLIST | OTHERS MASTERLIST

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Summary: he hates the ocean, but.. what happens if he meets you? who.. is a resident of the ocean? (Why I thought of this is beyond me)

Warnings? DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF THE OCEAN‼️ SORRY IF I RAMBLE, IM TRYING TO MAKE MY WORKS LONGER!

"you're a questionable swimmer..."

"...oh no"

this is has inspiration taken from a fan art.

this shit is amazing- DO YOU SEE IT? ahem anyway-

DON’T READ IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF THE OCEAN!!!!

can't stress that enough, i will not be held responsible for your potential triggers!

THIS THING DISAPPEARED FROM MY DRAFTS FOR A WHILE IT SCARED ME I THOUGHT I DELETED IT OR I POSTED IT ON ACCIDENT WHEN IT WASN’T FINISHED-!

1.5k words-

He has said over and over again in his videos that he absolutely hates the ocean. His hatred was an understatement, if you ever asked him what one of his number one fears was. If that makes sense at all. He has made it very known to his audience about his fear, and they support him for it.

He knows not to push himself.

In his video where he transitioned to him at the ocean, you could actively see the existential dread and uncertainty in his eyes, the look that he does not want to be there. Every little sudden unfamiliar movement nearby or further away, he's skittish. He jumps easily.

He knows not to push himself.

Unlike now.

He found himself at the oceans edge, he wanted to somehow conquer his fear. But it was too much. It overwhelmed him. It restricted him. Made his palms sweaty. His breath laboured. Thinking about what is in the massive body of water and how deep and unknown it is, it unsteadied him. Even the thought of that something could be nearby him. Watching his every move.

The sudden feeling of the cold water hitting his feet scared him. It was unnerving. He was unnerved. The wind blew the cold breeze into his face, it made him shiver. Even if he did have more than one layer on. His fear made him shake. Cold and fear was not a good mix at all.

He decided to take a walk, with a light, of course, to calm himself down as well as warm himself up. He sighed just before he heard something in the water. He aimed his light in the direction he heard it, yet he walked back up the sand to keep away as if something was coming for him. He heard the water lapping again, this scared him more, he moved back so sudden he fell back, gasping for breath as his fall took the air out of his lungs, he kicked his feet to move himself back.

He had enough. He got up and quickly dusted himself off as he walked back up to the top of the beach. He could not handle the cold and fear any longer. He wanted to go home. Away.

He sat in the car with the heating on. His hands in front of the air vent which was warming up. He took some shaky deep breaths, eventually becoming more steady and collected. He was sort of curious to know what made him scared. But also did not want to know, because it could be a shark, or worse, whatever that 'worse' thing could be. He looked out the window, back at the ocean. Only to see nothing but darkness, hearing the waves crashing in the background. Shuddering at the thought, he shook his head and started to make his way back to where he was staying for a while. Away from the water. Away from the fear.

He would not go back to that place. Especially that area. It left him wondering. He wondered what it was. He had to distract himself, think about something else.

So what is better than thinking about your greatest fears?

Researching them! Because that's what he did. He researched what it could have been, even if it kept coming back as reasonable answers, like normal sea life. He kept thinking out the box. If it was anything mythical he's researched in the past, it's very unlikely it's true. Because mythical creatures don't exist, right?

Right?

Well we don't know. The ocean has barely been explored.

That is what he kept thinking of. It made his mind wander.

He eventually fell asleep on his phone while looking at research. Lets just say that he's getting the very much needed rest from today.

A few days later, one morning, he felt... relaxed yet... decent or Okay. As if what happened a few days ago was some sort of a dream. But he didn't dream it. It felt like a thing of the past for him. Except that he had no energy to even get out of bed this morning, he looked for his phone. He fell asleep with it again. It was on the floor. He tried to turn it on. Dead battery. Sighing he sat up and put it on charge.

That day he decided that he would continue with working on his fear. But in the daytime where he could actually see clearly what was around him.

And boy would today be a day he would remember.

Because it was odd that when he got to the ocean-side, barely anyone was there. He sat on some rocks by the water watching the distant sea. The tide was out so that it didn't work him up. Good.

Everything was Okay in his mind. Then the water started to lap again. He gulped. Then came some noises. His nerves came back.

Then he saw something break the waters surface. Scales. They were shiny.

Pretty.

Then he saw the end.. of a tail? Shaking his head, he tried to think of a rational explanation. 'A fish? Stuck in shallow waters? Can't be' he thought to himself. He tried to convince himself that was the case before- 'hair??' He wasn't even in the sea himself and he felt like he was drowning.

Never mind himself for the moment, he was convinced someone was drowning besides himself. And his instincts was to jump in and help. Despite his fear, a human life was more important. Especially if said life is in danger.

Fear aside, he summoned all his bravery and courage to actually try and help this supposed person. Yet his vision was obscured by bubbles and all of that. The shimmer of the light reflected on the scales of whatever dashed by him. Whatever it was, it was not comfortable with him nearby. And much to his surprise, he went deeper than he ever thought.

To the point that he had to try and keep himself by the surface.

Then he saw the thing that spooked him for days, but yet caught his eye.

You.

He was baffled,.. yet intrigued. Like it happened all in slow motion.

You looked gentle with the eye contact you two briefly held, but he knew how unpredictable the ocean is he doesn't know your real strength and what you could potentially do to him.

But the peace and tranquility of this moment was soon shattered by the fact that he remembered that he wasn't like you, you could breath underwater, he couldn't. And once that reality soon set in, he panicked while trying to get back to the surface. And one of the rules about being underwater, especially in the ocean, is to not panic.

Which is what he did.

Your gentle side recognised this and instincts kicked in, you had to help him. You quickly swam over to him and grabbed his arm and pulled, you had never been up this close to the surface so you weren't so sure about helping him seeing as he is from unknown territory for you. Pushing him up towards the surface, he soon went through it. You heard muffled coughs and gasps come from the stranger as the coast approached.

Once he was there and gathering himself and his energy, he looked around to get familiar with his surroundings once again. Looking at the water, all he saw the the bridge of your nose and up. Your eyes piercing his soul. You would not allow yourself to be seen by other humans. But let alone one already. You saw it as a bad omen. To your kind and them.

No words were exchanged between you two the whole time. Mainly because you found yourself fascinated by him and how.. he works, as you had already gathered that he could not breath under water like you could and was not the best of swimmers.

Today you learned so much more about him than you did the other day, when you accidentally scared him. Yet fear in others was a new emotion that you had witnessed and began to learn about. Did you feel bad for them? You.. didn't know. Did you show it? No.

Not caring about the way he currently looked, he walked over on his knees towards you slowly. You looked up at him, keeping your head positioned the same as before. You both maintained eye contact once again. He knew that mermaids were a myth. But he also knew that the oceans were barely explored, so that it was a possibility that they existed. And they do here.

He slowly held his hand out towards you. You moved you head out the water more, to the bottom of your neck. Hesitant, you would slowly extend your hand out to his. They ever so slightly touched.

He recalls your hands feeling soft and smooth from when you helped him out the water. As well as now. But then, he didn't know what caused it, but you immediately retracted your hand, you narrowed your eyes, pupils back to slits like a cat and dove back into the vast body of water. It splashing back at him.

The sudden splash of water made him realise,

he forgot about his fear of the ocean for a while.

And, to him, that felt...

good.

this was fun- may write more- you never know

ehe~ :)

13.1.23 edit: AND. MY FRIEND TAGGED ME IN A TIKTOK, AND SHE SAID IT REMINDED HER OF THIS

AND THIS IMAGE IN IT REMINDED HER. AND ME TOO AAAAAAAA

look at this precious bby

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 11: SHITTY REASONS WHY

wc: 8000 and change i think

warnings: stalking, drug use, violence, mental health issues

prev chapter

***

"fucking 90% on your calc test, are you kidding me?" jongho said in impressed disbelief. he handed yasmine her test script with a smile, sitting next to her outside the botanical garden of the school.

yasmine covered her face as she felt it redden, her smile going embarrassedly broad. "when i asked you to get my script, i didnt mean look at it!" she whined.

"no, but its really good!" jongho insisted. "keep that up and these 4 years will go by so fast. you'll be out of the country before you know it."

yasmine stared at her test, smiling fondly. she was good at math and science and was really interested in anatomy. it fascinated her, the human body. she knew exactly what she wanted to go into, the program, the university. it was still early, but she knew deep down.

but the problem was her parents. her smile was quick to fade.

"whats wrong?" jongho asked her, concerned. "you went all quiet."

"its just," she sighed heavily, already feeling stupid. "i could call my family about this and they probably wouldnt care. or they'd forget about it in an instant."

yasmine didnt want to sound like the cliche rich girl that never got attention. especially to jongho, who also had parents who were in and out of the country.

she frowned and shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as she laughed awkwardly. "its dumb, i know. im happy they let me model for them and stuff but i feel like they dont care about my other accomplishments, thats all."

"hey," jongho's gentle hands found her chin, stroking it softly. yasmine gulped as she stared at his handsome face that were giving her pitiful eyes. "im here. i care about your accomplishments."

yasmine sighed internally. that was the point. the reason. all right there.

there was something about venting to a man that just felt pointless. especially when he found you attractive. he'd somehow always make it about him. or make sure he looked good at the end of it. as if he was some solution to all your issues.

yasmine couldnt stand it. but she loved jongho as a person. so she never spoke her thoughts.

maybe it was his attention. she thought if she lost it, she would be worse off. after all, its not like she had her parents. they were in their own bubble more than half the time.

"thanks jongho," yasmine defeatedly muttered with a smile. standard procedure.

"i can tell you dont feel better, you know. you should come over later," he suggested. "we can have a few drinks and chill. watch a movie. i can make you forget for a while."

she'd be lying if she said she didnt want to forget. things were bad at home. constant arguing. yasmine was always getting told she was the only good thing in the house. the pressure to not fuck up was getting worse. when all she wanted to do was fuck up. she wanted to let loose. and be free.

she smiled again. "yeah yeah, i'll come over. will it just be us?"

jongho gave her an awkward smile. "do you want it to be just us?"

just as yasmine was about to answer, a message popped up on her screen, the notification tone blocking her words.

shit.

"crap," she hissed, standing up and dropping her bag from her lap, and all her things at once. "its yaera."

jongho groaned aloud. "ugh, what now?"

yasmine didnt miss the disdain in his voice. but she couldnt deal with his hatred for her now. her head was pounding just thinking of how bad the atmosphere would be when she got home.

"she skipped school and got drunk. shes at the police station, she got arrested," yasmine said with a heavy sigh. "they just called my parents."

"of fucking course," jongho said with a roll of his eyes. "im not even surprised. shes doing all this for attention you know."

"i dont think im going to be able to come over because of this," and just by those words jongho's anger rose to the surface.

"i fucking swear. she ALWAYS gets in the way of things," he snapped, making yasmine flinch. she knew he couldnt stand her but seriously?

"its not that serious, chill," she tried to say, but jongho just shook his head angrily.

"no but its true, isnt it? she keeps fucking up and then you have to clean up the mess. why doesnt she just run away or something since she wants to get kicked out so bad? shes just making everything worse at home!"

yasmine felt guilty. jongho wasnt wrong. everything argument these days revolved around yaera. her grades. her attitude. how she was in her own world. how she didnt have any goals. how she was stuck in her room and couldnt put in any effort. how lazy she was, how much space she took up. every single thing was a problem.

but yasmine wished she could help it. she tried before. fixing her sister. but all it did was made her latch onto her like a koala to a tree . then yasmine had to cut her branches. and now yaera was going off on her own, not telling her anything, acting out in ways worse than before.

"i dont get why shes doing this...i just," she felt exhausted just thinking about it. "something happened but she wont tell me. maybe i did something. maybe she got her heartbroken. shes been getting worse."

"theres nothing wrong with her," jongho scoffed. "shes just an attention whore. now that youre not attached to her hip shes acting out to make you feel guilty. dont fucking fall for it, yas."

he was so harsh. "the counsellor my parents got for her wants to send her to a therapist or psychologist or something. they think shes depressed or has something going on up there."

jongho bent his elbows on his knees and sighed, staring at his shoes. "i cant believe she fucked up you coming over. i wish she would just go away."

yasmine frowned and picked up her things, starting to pack them. jongho looked up at her broodingly. she was leaving.

"i have to get going," she said with an apologetic smile. "i'll talk to you later, yeah."

***

yaera

im pacing tirelessly in the dull sun, grey clouds hanging over and my stress levels up to my head. san is sitting on the grass with his backpack clutched infront of him, jongho's prized camera inside.

that asshole is so dead.

"whats taking this fucker so long?" i snap, my irritation erratic. i just want him to face me. to dare be so callous about what he did. it'll be funny, really. hearing his bs explanation.

"hes scared," san says, annoyingly calm. "he should be really. this looks really bad for him."

i stop in my tracks and stare at him dead straight. "arent you angry?"

he frowns in confusion. "angry about what?"

"about how he almost tried to frame you and pin it on you because you're poor. you're not angry about that?"

san shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "im not worried about me right now. his stunt was cheap, but im not surprised. he'll get whats going to him, is all im going to say. wooyoung and i still have to have a talk with him."

"good," i say coldly. "jongho deserves whats coming to him."

san's eyes trail behind me and he suddenly stands up. when i whirl around to check, jongho is creeping up on me slowly, looking like he has a stick pressed up his ass.

"where's my camera?" he asks, giving san an annoyed look. "do you have it?"

i force a laugh and step infront of jongho as he tries to approach san. "im sorry? you owe me a fucking explanation."

jongho groans and looks down at me with disdain. "i change my mind. i dont owe you anything."

"what?" san asks harshly. there's an edge in his voice that makes jongho cautiously step back.

"why should i explain myself to you people?" he asks defensively, like a cornered animal. "she was my best friend. its natural that i have pictures of her. she was everything to me."

this fucking guy.

"pictures where she doesnt even know you're there? thats natural?" san scoffs. im gritting my teeth as my hands start to warm and twitch.

jongho lets out a dry laugh and rolls his eyes arrogantly. "shut up and give me my camera back you pauper."

"is it natural to have pictures of me too?" i bring up harshly, making jongho pause and look at me.

its the worlds most awkward eye contact. he doesnt look ashamed. theres nothing behind his eyes.

"i was going through a phase. it was grief," he says emptily. "just give me my camera back and we can act like this never happened."

"you really think its going to be that easy?" i laugh humorlessly. hes so used to getting his way.

jongho sighs irritably like this is some inconvenience, like getting the wrong order at a restaurant. "what the hell do you want, yaera? i explained to you, didnt i? i said it was grief."

"you didnt explain shit!" i burst. "and bullshit! you call this grief? you stalked yasmine while she was still fucking alive. you stalked her before she went missing. whats to stop me from taking this to the police right now to fuck you over?"

"no–" jongho suddenly steps forward, grabbing my wrists and tightening his fists around them. i stare at him in disbelief. san gets in the middle quickly and shoves him hard, making him stumble back and fall onto the grass.

jongho looks up deranged, like an even bigger drug addict than yeosang. "you cant take that to police!" he screams. "you cant. i wont let you. its all i have left of her."

"how do we know you didnt harm her sister?" san snaps. "you're clearly a sick fuck."

"i would have never harmed yasmine!" jongho shouts furiously. "she was my best friend dont you ever utter bullshit like that again!"

"yet you stalked her?"

"i was at the party the night she went missing, you idiots!" jongho gets up, practically heaving with rage. his dark eyes dart to me. "dont you remember, yae? i was fucking cleared before anyone else. i called your parents to ask if yasmine ever made it home. what the fuck are you accusing me of here?"

"i just want to know why you stalked her while she was still alive and kicking!" i burst out in frustration. "why did you stalk me too? what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"because..." he groans and starts to grip his hair hopelessly. "i just wanted to feel like i still had her."

san and i turn to look at each other, neither of us having any idea of what that meant.

"she was slipping away from me," he admits pathetically. "she was seeing someone. she wouldnt even tell me who, but he was better. richer. older too. i just wanted to pretend like she was mine. so i followed her. i followed her when she met him. i took pictures of them together. and then the one time i didnt follow her...she went missing and..."

an empty ache settles in my chest and i dont even have the words to describe how i feel. i dont know how im supposed to feel.

"and yaera?" san presses on. "why did you stalk her?"

jongho lifts his head to look me dead in the eyes, a distant gaze of regret and resentment buried deep inside. "a failed experiment. i tried to gain some control over my life again. i wanted to pretend like she was still here. like she was still around. so i followed you and–"

he doesnt get to finish that because i drive my fist into his jaw, knocking him back a few steps. jongho holds his jaw as san grabs my wrist and pulls me away, turning my body away from jongho.

i quickly shove him off me, not even bothering to enjoy the contact. it feels like my head is going to explode from all the rage clogging up inside. i cant believe this.

"you're such a fucking loser, jongho," i say with a bitter laugh. "and so very pathetic. yasmine died so you stalked me and pretended i was her? as if you didnt compare us enough when she was still alive. you're a sick, pathetic fuck!"

"you're the one who wanted to know so badly," he mocks me. "do you want to know why i stopped? because i realized you would never be her. or come close."

i stare at him in disbelief. "it must suck doesnt it? to know that even in death she surpasses you."

i hate him. i hate that he weaponises her death to trigger me. i hate that he keeps trying to enforce a rivalry with someone i love, who i will literally never see again. i hate him so much.

"hey thats enough. are there more pictures?" san asks him coldly. "are these your only ones?"

he hesitates before shaking his head. san scoffs.

"so if we came to your house and checked, there wouldnt be any more pictures?"

"you're not coming to my house!" jongho huffs.

"except we are. or else everyones going to find out how mental you are," san threatens. "we know you have more pictures. youre going to give us all of them. and i'll.make sure they get wiped."

"why are you doing this?!" jongho screams hopelessly, looking at san. there are tears in his eyes. this fucker has the nerve to cry. "you wont gain anything from this, you know? you're just–"

"get therapy, jongho." i interrupt him, accepting his anger.

"arent you the one who tried to kill herself?"

"thats enough!" san yells above both of us, grabbing my hand and glaring at jongho. "we'll see you after school."

we leave him on the field to stress and wallow in his own hatred, his eyes never straying from us until we're out of reach.

***

San

the fact that my future could have been ruined at just the beginning of the school day fills me with a sudden hatred i didnt even know i had in me. i never paid attention to anyone at this school, never had any friends because the rich and entitled pricks that floated in the halls of mountain creek legitimately drove me insane.

its happening again.

its lunch and all i can think of is pounding that asshole jongho's face in. i know its not smart though, so i hold myself together. i'll wait till i have enough leverage over him, then, i'll put a crack into his skull.

i text wooyoung about it while im on my way to my eating spot. hes excited to beat the shit out of someone again, and i know im not supposed to encourage his violent tendencies, but this time i would. wooyoung can be a loose cannon, hes still in so much trouble for what he pulled with the black dragons. but that enthusiasm is exactly what i need tonight.

the kind that makes rich creeps like choi jongho pay.

as im picturing his stupid face getting pummeled, something slams into my shoulder. or rather, a LOT of somethings.

im knocked into the metal of the lockers, my backpack sliding off my shoulders and my phone crashing to the floor. i hear the screen cracking further, which drives me insane. what the fuck. i dont have time to get a new phone.

i look up at the culprits and feel my blood boil.

players from the soccer team. they're all watching me with disgusted faces, all sporting their black and gold jerseys. fucking jocks. i always hated them.

"watch where you're going, guttercrust!" one of them yells at me. great, another slur for poor people. these assholes always have a bunch on hand.

i dont say anything. i dont want trouble. i just want to get to eat before this break ends. i reach down to pick up my bag and phone, but both are snatched out of my grip before i can graze them. my phone is kicked across the hall, and my bag is lifted over one of the soccer players heads, sending all my books tumbling out and onto the floor.

"what the hell!" i snap, grabbing my now empty bag from the guy's hands. they all cackle together, sounding like a choir of farm animals.

"thats only a fucking fraction of what we'll do to you," one of them says. "we know you took those stuff from the boys lockerroom. jongho wouldnt lie."

"yeah, maybe you wouldnt need to steal if you went to a school that fits your tax bracket." another adds and they all burst out laughing again.

i can beat the shit out of them. every single one of them. maybe even kill them. maybe i should just use Miss A and ask her for a favour for myself for once. maybe then–

"hey hey hey, leave my boy lazarus alone whats going on here?" a voice interjects. i sigh and turn around, that horrid nickname coming from the one and only...

"yeosang-uh...we were just..."

yeosang wraps his arm around my shoulders and i look down at his short frame awkwardly. he smiles up at me, then at the soccer douchebags. what the hell is happening.

"you werent bullying my boy choi san were you, mingyu?" yeosang asks, his smile suddenly falling. "cause you know i dont like that shit."

"relax man," the guy named mingyu says, visibly tense now. "we were just playing around."

"really? not cool man. not cool," yeosang sighs. "if this is what you call playing around, dont bring this shit anywhere near my party, alright? you get me?"

mingyu nods awkwardly and beckons his flock of soccer assholes to follow him as they leave. but before he goes, yeosang whistles aggressively.

"hold on, boys! put my boy lazarus's belongings in the state you found them."

i cant believe my eyes. i dont know what sick social contract exists in this school, but yeosang actually manages to get the soccer players to reverse back and pick up my phone and scattered books. they hand everything back to me in a neat fashion, awkwardly nodding to me as they leave.

"theres no way you're that popular." i scoff to myself, pulling away from being yeosang's arm rest. i face him awkwardly. "thanks, i guess. but what do you want?"

he blinks at me, feigning offense. "what do you mean, lazarus? i did that out of the goodness of my heart!"

i force a knowing smile. "you want more rosies?"

"well now that you mention it im kind of unhappy with your customer service," yeosang suddenly glares. "you didnt check your messages again. i asked you to bring me two more bags."

why the fuck is he going through these bags so quickly? "yeosang how many times do i have to tell you–"

"i dont need you to tell me anything, lazarus. im the fucking customer and i lay your bills. you should be grateful i even put up with this, sunwoo never did this to me. he would bring me what i want whenever i wanted."

i cant believe what im hearing. this idiot doesnt care for anyone but himself, which i know shouldnt be surprising. hes addicted to drugs and hes a rich boy, but still.

"i gave you four bags not too long ago, just yesterday actually," i remind him bitterly.

he leans forward and shoves his pointed finger into my chest. "and im telling you. i want. more whenever i ask. when you come to my party tomorrow, i expect you to be my righthand fucking man. dont show up unless you have what i want, and if you behave you can even bring marino as your plus one."

he laughs at the end, that usual, arrogant laugh that comes with knowing you couldnt face the consequences of your actions even if they were right infront of you.

yeosang's mention of yaera reminded me of how he treated her and i cant help but remember what he did at yunhos club so many months ago. this guy is a piece of shit. im not any better, but ive definetely been too friendly.

he doesnt respect my boundaries no matter how much ive asserted. customer is always right? i think the fuck not.

"whoa, lazarus!" yeosang dramatically says. "why are you looking at me like you wanna kill my ass? did i say something wrong?"

"you remember yunho?" i question. my fist is tight beside me. one more provoking word out him and hes done for.

"yeah? friend of my old pal sunwoo? the club owner right? what about him?"

"hes missing," i say. yeosang frowns in confusion. as if he doesnt know what that has to do with him.

"damn i didnt realize i was supposed to care?" yeosang rubs the back of his head. "you guys are going through some shit, huh? havent heard from sunwoo in four months either. why you telling me this? i didnt know the guy."

"be careful, yeosang. behave at this party of yours."

i sling my backpack over my shoulders and walk away, leaving yeosang with his mouth hanging agape. "what the fuck, lazarus? did you just threaten me?" he yells after me. "i just helped you, asshole!"

when i get to the stairwell, yaera is already there waiting for me. god im tired. i just want to sit in silence and eat. i slump down on the floor and lean my head against the wall.

"what the hell happened to you?" she asks, looking me up and down.

imagine admitting to getting bullied. at eighteen years old. im almost nineteen for fucks sake. i dont answer her because i dont feel like it.

yaera sighs. "well then. i get it. this day isnt a complete fuck up tho. i got a buyer."

i hear money calling. she suddenly has my full attention. "for the rosies?"

"nope, not yet," she lifts her phone for me to see. my glasses arent on so i dont know what im looking at. "for the watch. i got paid a shipping fee and everything, some dude in india really wants it bad."

i nod, kind of impressed. "wow, that was quick."

"the transaction isnt complete yet, but the money will be in by this weekend. we can split the cash then."

"good job."

shes kind of efficient. i guess she has really done most of the things she told me she would do. now all i need are the results. im gonna start drawing up how much money has been coming in. i still have the black dragons cash wooyoung and i split.

i should give yaera her share.

"hey, before we go to yeosang's party tomorrow, come by my apartment," i tell her. "i have something for you."

she smirks. "are we finally getting to third base? we havent even been to first."

"what?" i cough on my own spit. my cheeks are flaming. "uh no. ugh. just...wait till you get there. but it isnt that."

"damn, you really love turning into a stuttering mess when im around, huh?" she teases. "must be my natural charm."

"charm?" i scoff, not really having a comeback for that. i go embarrassingly silent after as she waits for me to elaborate. fuck it.

"your phones ringing." she innocently points out after. i look down and see wooyoung calling me.

"woo?" i answer, sighing. wooyoung is a man who never listens.

"yeah yeah yeah!" he instantly screams into my ear, making me wince and pull the phone away. i put him on speaker and dial the volume very low so i can hear him on a normal level.

"i know you said not to call you at school but i dont really wanna hear from you either, alright?" he says, making me chuckle against my will. "Miss A got a job for us tonight. we gotta go to the night market in the old town. get some protection money outta them."

"can i come too?" yaera asks excitedly. i glare at her and shake my head before answering wooyoung.

"is that it?"

"yeah, then we take everything to changbin, he'll give everything to Miss A."

"can you do that for the both of us?" i ask him. "you got nothing going on right?"

"no way man! i already faced him by myself after what happened with yunho. he wanted proof we changed the license plate!" wooyoung says, sounding stressed. "and he's been keeping up with the news since the club. apparently the cops caught us on camera from a distant alley, but they cant recognize us."

my blood runs cold at wooyoungs words. that night was the riskiest thing to ever happen to us. everything was reckless from the beginning. the thought of my future disappearing freezes me up. it flashes before my eyes before i get a grip.

"okay, i'll go with you," i say with difficulty. "but you'll still pick me up from school right? you know what you promised."

my eyes drift up toward yaera. shes watching me curiously, not being very subtle about listening in.

"yeah yeah, you little baby. we'll go beat the shit out of that stalker for your little blackmailer."

i can hear the eyeroll in wooyoung's tone. i quickly hang up but yaera chuckles to herself, having already heard it all.

"i cant leave school with you guys, just fyi," she says. "you know my parents are picking me up. i can just go to jongho's house on my own, he only lives fifteen minutes away from me."

i nod, thinking to myself. the two of them really hate each other. i know why, but everytime they interact i feel like it goes deeper than what yaera's told me.

before i can ask, the bell rings and i havent even touched my food yet. yaera frowns and pouts.

"do you wanna skip class? we have evans next period."

"i dont skip class and i wont start now," i tell her. she rolls her eyes. "and neither will you. im not tutoring you just so you can fail again. you're coming with me to class."

she seems to take my words as a challenge. "and if i say no?"

i shrug. "then i dont tutor you. i dont like wasting my time."

yaera stares at me, a smile forming on her face. it looks devious but sincere at the same time. and like always im left speechless and awkward. at this point im convinced she does it on purpose.

"okay. lets go to class then."

***

yaera

“where are you going?” 

my father’s voice startles me as im halfway out the foyer, backpack on my shoulder and ready to leave. i didnt even hear him come in, ive been alone all afternoon, the empty house something im already used to. hes watching me over the rim of his glasses, a magazine in hand. 

“oh hi. when did you get home?” i ask. 

“half n hour ago. now answer me, where are you going?”

“to jongho’s house.”

“alright, I’ll take you.” he begins to stand up and i groan in annoyance. 

“thats not necessary. he lives 15 minutes away.”

my father stares at me blandly. “i know you’ve been sneaking out at night. i dont know why but im making sure you’re going exactly where you say you are. your mother is meeting with Santo as we speak, they are working hard on the gala. whatever you are busy with, im going to tell you once to stop.your mother does not need the extra stress, alright?”

i bite my lip and stop myself from laughing. i cant believe this. im kind of embarrassed for not being slick, but at least it was my father and not my mother. hes far easier to lie to. 

i dont say anything as we get into his car, texting san that ive run into a little inconvenience. hopefully they wait for me before shit goes down, i dont want to miss a single thing. 

the car ride with my father is empty and silent. im in the passenger and he avoids eye contact with me like a man facing medusa, something im used to after everything thats happened to our family. we have never been close, but its never been this bad. i guess its hard to face the only child you have left after neglecting them for years, knowing that most if not all of their hardships have directly been caused by you.

but no. i cant just blame them. my therapist always said that i cant control what others do, but i can control how i react to their actions. me wanting to get far as fuck away from them feels like having all the control in the world.

“how long are you planning to stay at jongho’s?” he breaks his silence. 

“a long while. you dont have to wait for me.”

he nods curtly. “i didnt realize the two of you still spoke to one another.”

as if he knows anything thats going on with me lately. i dont answer him.

“have you been sneaking off to see him?”

the question makes me frown, disgust pooling in my stomach. i would have probably gotten butterflies just thinking of that, but right now all i feel is sick. then i think this is the perfect opportunity to guilt trip him. 

“no, ive just been going out for walks by myself. i cant sleep nowadays,” i mutter. “ive been thinking of her a lot. i know you probably think im out drinking or getting into trouble, but all i really do is sit on a park bench and think of what it would be like if she was here right now.”

silence. empty, cold silence. my father has stopped infront of jongho’s house, his eyes ghostily staring at his steering wheel.

i dont feel bad for hurting him. i had to get used to him being physically there and yet being far away. i had to get used to saying five sentences a week to him. i had to get used to him never hearing me out when he was at my mothers side, i had to watch him slip away while he was right infront of me. ill hurt him however i can. just so he can feel something, or anything when he looks at me. anything but empty.

“dont sneak out anymore.” he tells me after five minutes of just sitting there. eyes still on the wheel. “or let me take you where you want to go. if something happens to you too, your mother will be very upset.”

“okay. bye papa.”

“bye.”

i get up and out of the car. as my father pulls away and disappears down the street, a black van comes around the other corner, stopping infront of me. its the same one san got into when he chased down yunho. when the window rolls down, i come face to face with wooyoung and his massive black sunglasses.

“youre lucky you have someone like san around, sweetheart! you did nothing to earn bodyguard services.” he yells, and i hear san punch him in the shoulder. “ouch! what did you do that for?!”

“i told you he tried to get me in trouble!” san grits through his teeth.

“yeah, because you were involved with her! this guy hasn’t once looked your way before!” 

“you dont have to be here if you dont want to,” i say with an insincere smile. wooyoung gets out and rolls his eyes at me.

“yeah right, as if im letting you drag san into your shit alone. wheres this bozo stalker you speak of?”

i turn around and see jongho’s room light on. we still have his camera, so he’ll have to come out. i start to ring his phone, and he answers on the first ring.

“we’re out front.” i say and immediately hang up so he feels the urgency. 

he doesnt come out. his iron wrought fence buzzes open for us to go inside, and he's waiting on his veranda.

"this is the guy?" wooyoung scoffs. "whys he a creep? hes attractive as fuck."

san and i both give him side-eyes as we approach jongho. his eyes are low as he holds the door open for us.

"did you bring my camera?" he asks, his shoulders stiff and tense.

"uh uh uh, wheres the rest of the pictures?" i ask. jongho glares at me.

"i...have it. i have it, just do you have the camera?"

i nod silently, walking into his house. wooyoung and san follow behind me, with both of them staring wide-eyed at jongho's massive house. its all dark inside, with only certain rooms lit up. just like i know him,living like a fucking vampire most of the time. maybe thats why hes so weird.

"the pictures...they're up in my room." he says.

"why are you slurring?" i ask, leading the brigade. "you still feeling the effects of getting the sense knocked into you?"

wooyoung loudly sniffs him. "nah, this guys been drinking. he smells like fucking hand sanitizer."

i push open his room door and find the place empty. its been so long since ive stepped foot in here. things happened against the lack of my better judgment. even when i knew it wouldnt end well, i always ended up coming back.

im lost in it for a moment, remembering why im here. "where are the pictures?" i turn around as something loudly creaks.

im staring into the mouth of the gun, with jongho pointing it right at me. i forget to breathe on the spot.

"give me back my camera," he seethes "and then get the fuck out of my house."

"you wouldnt kill me, youre too much of a pussy," i grit out at him, albeit terrified. "you stole your dad's gun just to get back your creepy stalker pictures? thats rich."

"yaera, shut up. jongho,put the gun down," san says, him and wooyoung frozen on the sides of him. "what do you think youre doing?"

"you think im kidding?" he snaps. "i want my shit back! you had no right to fucking take it!"

san starts to take off his backpack. "dont fucking give it back!" i scream. "hes bluffing, cant you see that?"

"shut up, yaera," san mutters, infuriating me. he takes the camera out to my disbelief, actually moving to give it to jongho.

just as san puts it in jongho's hand, wooyoung comes from the side and rips the gun from his other hand. he shoves jongho into his wall, the camera falling to the ground. i lunge to pick it up and immediately run to the other side of his room.

jongho lets out a frustrated scream. "you fucking assholes!"

wooyoung laughs mockingly as he looks at the barrel of the gun. "would you look at that? its empty."

"pointing a gun with no bullets, arent you embarrassed?" i sneer. "i knew you were just bluffing."

"now where are the actual pictures?" san asks coldly. jongho looks up at him hatefully, refusing to answer. a second later, wooyoung runs full speed at jongho, kicking him hard in the chest. jongho falls to his knees, and san rips his hair back, making him wheeze out in pain.

"tell me. i wont ask again," san demands. wooyoung is excitedly waiting on the side for no answer again, just so he can slam the end of the gun into jongho's temple. he hits his floor head first, coughing hazardously.

at first it feels good to watch him suffer. to see him in genuine pain. then i realize what we're doing. its getting us nowhere. we're just beating him up, but he still has everything we need.

wooyoung is pounding his fist onto jongho and only when i get near does he stop. "no more games," i say and bend infront him, his bruised face leaking with blood. "give it up, jongho. or would you rather i take this camera to the police?"

he raises his hand and points to his bed before weakly choking out, "under it."

san goes to get it, struggling to lift the heavy bed along with wooyoung. underneath it they find a file, it looks like an ordinary photography file as san flips through it. but then the photos get more sinister. dark figures appear on different occassions. only silhouettes of what once was.

"what is this?" wooyoung groans. "you cant see shit in these."

"leave it to ningning," san says, taking the file and shoving it into his backpack. he tosses the camera onto jongho's bed, and jongho hopelessly stares at it as warm tears spill down his eyes.

i dont know why im queasy. he did something wrong. he is in the wrong and yet i feel so empty looking at him.

"we took your memory card, so dont even try to get those pictures back," i tell him. he doesnt react. im about to get up when he grabs my hand and pulls me down.

"you took the only part of her i had left," he says weakly, but his eyes are angry. "fuck you, yaera."

i roll my hand out of his, disgusted and annoyed all at once. san comes and takes my arm and we leave jongho to seethe on the floor with his injuries.

my stomach is in knots all the way out, especially when its time for us to part ways. i know san has places to be and things to do tonight, but i cant help but feel insanely grateful for what hes done.

he didnt need to beat the shit out of jongho. he didnt need to come here. but he did.

"i'll get these checked out by that contact i told you about," san tells me while we stand on the pavement. "she'll be able to get you everything, time, date, where these pictures were taken."

"i want to come with you," i say. wooyoung gives san a silent but obvious look, clearly thinking its a bad idea.

san is hesitant. "are you sure?"

i nod. "i wanna see first hand. i'll behave i promise."

"okay. fine, we can go together then."

wooyoung loudly sighs. "okay this was fun, but we have somewhere to be, remember san?"

"oh...yeah." san awkwardly looks down at me and gives me another nod. "goodnight, yaera."

"thank you...for tonight," i say, kind of embarrassed. i dont know why. it always ends this way. hes so many different people in one day. but it always ends with this. i feel like we should hug but hes so extra distant with wooyoung around.

i hesitate to call my father, wanting to wait till they leave because i know he'll be here in a flash. san and wooyoung get into their van and speed off into the night, leaving me alone.

***

SAN

"i feel like you already know this is a bad idea, but youre still doing it, so let me pick your brain, choi san. what the fuck is going on inside your head?"

i sigh, not in the mood for this. i keep looking at jongho's photography file and his ominous photos from following yaera's twin and her lover. i wanted to ask him where he followed them to but i doubt jongho's saying a word of anything anymore now that he has nothing left to give us.

"earth to san???" woo starts clicking his fingers beside my ear. i glare at him and shove at his shoulder.

"eyes on the road asshole," i remind him.

"answer my questions," he demands. "what exactly do you plan to do with those weird ass pictures?"

"i'll take it to mao's granddaughter then–"

"AND WHAT do you hope to achieve?" he interrupts me. i stare at him flatly.

"what do you mean?" i ask in annoyance.

"okay so ningning tells you who the guy in the photos are and where these pictures were taken, best case scenario. i wanna know what the fuck it has to do with you san."

"her sister was MURDERED, woo," i say exasperatedly. "and no one has been arrested. no ones probably seen these photos before. this could be her sisters murderer right in these blurry shots."

"yeah but what does it have to do with you?" woo insists, giving me a deadpan look. "i thought you two were just using each other, so why are you doing all this for someone who blackmailed you into shit?"

i dont answer. why should i answer? now im just annoyed.

"fine, be angry at me," woo says with a sigh and cranks up the radio. "but just remember, youre getting way too involved. you wouldnt walk the dog of your evil business partner, so you shouldnt care about shit that doesnt benefit you."

"jongho almost got me expelled!" i remind him. woo doesnt react to my raised voice to my disappointment. "and why did you help me if you were just going to be annoying about it? i could have beat him myself."

"i HELPED because of YOU, idiot. and sure jongho almost got you expelled but thats not why you were so worked up, huh?"

i stay quiet out of irritation. i know woo's just gonna accuse me of shit and he already thinks hes right so theres no point in arguing.

"you're not doing yourself any favours, sannie, just remember that. its better to keep your distance and make sure you get your cut."

we arrive at the night market at the old town, the smell of fish and the cold ocean wind hits us hard as soon as we step out of the van. our masks are on, our beanies too. to these people, we're just walking pairs of eyes demanding money in the name of Miss A.

we go to different street vendors, collecting her 'tax'. wooyoung does most of the talking because he likes the theatrics.

"collecting for Miss A," he dramatically deepens his voice, leaning half over the peoples stalls when he does.

when the people respond its not the end of the month yet, wooyoung reminds them of an age old gang war that no one cares about anymore, that killed ten street vendors and asks if they want to end up the same. if not, they have to pay the protection money to stay protected.

"you're a sick fuck, you know that?" i tell him as we walk through the lit pathways. the place is lively, with people shouting sales and prices right in your place as you walk.

"what? im just saying what changbin told us to say!" he defends. i roll my eyes.

"you enjoy that a little too much. plus youre only supposed to say the collector line, not intimidate them!"

"says the guy who just came from.intimidating someone for a girl!" wooyoung fires back and i put out my leg to trip him. he jumps over it and flips me off as we exit the market.

we take a route through the dark alleys, as it keeps us out of any police view. they normally roam the market because of light weight brawls in the street, but recently they've been catching on to gang presence in the middle of it all.

i cant wait to graduate. i wont be here for when this all goes to shit.

as woo and i walk through the alleys on the way back to the car, we hear a faint rumble in the air. i stop in my tracks and turn around as woo continues strolling, acting like he isnt carrying extortion money on his person.

a black cars headlights shine on us, so bright i cant see the people in the front. its a sleek black mustang. where the fuck did it come from????

woo stops once he realizes im not next to him anymore. "hey what the?"

the cars lights stay on us, making my stomach clench. suddenly it jerks forward, rolling right toward us.

"oh fuck!" woo screams and we both break into a run. the car is fucking speeding on us down the alley and if we arent fast enough we'll be smashed into the wall or dragged under it. theres a sharp bend and we take it, but the car makes the sharp turn as well, still on our heels.

"ITS STILL CHASING US!" woo screams. its literally a few feet away from crushing us. i spot a fence at the end of the alley and i clench my fist as i run for it, bracing myself.

"woo, JUMP!" i tell him just as i vault myself at the fence, holding on for dear life. woo jumps just as the car crashes into the fence, not making it but landing on the hood of the mustang. he screams and collects himself and quickly joins me in climbing it, the two of us making it to the other side in a few panicked seconds.

we turn around and look at the mustang in disbelief. it reverses back without anyone getting out, disappearing right back around the bend.

woo and i look at each other, hes pale. i know im pale. my heart is racing. we just ran for our lives. whoever was behind that wheel just tried to kill us.

"did we just...almost die?"

A/N: IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO LONG AND THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE 😭 I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

also you guys should let me know if you want me to tag you for when new chapters come out. i also started uploading on wattpad. @amphibianblood if you prefer to read on there. warning tho, the story is behind on there 😭.

NEXT CHAPTER

[dr34myluv]

TW vent

before you start reading i dont wanna hear pity if u even decide to read, i just need to blow off steam.

sometimes i feel like a butterfly, so fragile my wings can break, but instead of wings i have a heart and a brain, and i cant stop crying, i mean last year was way worse yk? life felt like it was ending i resorted to sh, im better now right? im clean, i have an amazing bf, i basically get everything i could ever ask for, so whats wrong?

i dont know what's exactly wrong with me, i feel fat, i hate the way i look, but that's how most teenage girls feel huh? its normal. just like its normal for a father to walk out, destroy his child's life with just a few words. bc that's normal and nothing is gonna change a man's mind.

"normal" im your normal girl, everyone is normal, right?

i grew up in a household where i wasn't considered normal, i was treated like i was sick, and wrong, by my father, if u dont agree with him then ur the wrong one not him, ur opinions don't matter to him. he still thinks that way, which is fine yk? being gay? pffft thats horrid, like "boyish" things (which really aren't i wanst even a tomboy growing up but wtv) guess what, THATS WRONG.

its not really like that has affected me much, just my parents arguing, and my mom commenting on my body.

my parents fought so much it was overwhelming, it was never ending, my dad would threaten to kill himself and storm out of the house, id be screaming and crying begging him not to do anything, i guess as a child that really does affect someone, he left so much like that it created worry, he was my hero, he IS my hero, as much as i hate to admit it, i love him more than i should.

due to my father, i think thats the reason im so attached to this boy (my bf) ik that sounds stupid but i have a reason for this.

lets call him N, and N was someone i met in school, he is the total opposite of me, has a tendency of being an asshole to people, so why might i like this guy? well he gave me the right amount of attention at the wrong time.

school was hard 2 years ago, id cry almost everyday, and ig i was an acquaintance with him, one day he noticed me crying, during break, i was alone, he came up to me, and hugged me, it wasn't expected but it was definitely needed, he didn't say anything, he didn't ask anything, he just hugged me, let me cry in his arms, i guess we slowly became friends after that. at the time i liked him a bit, didnt care that much atleast i thought.

i had no way of contact to him, it was just school, and during the summer i still liked him, it was a new year of school, and i didn't see him, i thought hey maybe he's around here somewhere doing who knows what, i asked some friends if they've seen him, they said no. and at one point i asked one of his friends, and he moved, she said, and i felt my heart sink down to my feet, i could feel like eyes water, i couldn't control it. and ik it's stupid, but he promised me he would never leave me without saying goodbye (in a friendly way)

i dont want to explain more. But to whomever decided to read, im sorry for not finishing it.

[woomycritiques543]

Viv made a tweet about the non-canon HH accounts and how some theories made were making her uncomfortable. Based on the comments, it seems to be about Vox x Val. I feel the show is going to portray them in a similar manner to Stolitz, mostly for fanservice. They’ll be seen as a toxic relationship rather than showing the nuance of an abusive one. That way, Viv can sell couple merch of them without presenting them in a bad light.

TW: Mentions of R/PE, Mental Health issues.

I checked to see what you are talking about and-

Oh no... (It's the "sad pills" thing all over again but it's now within the fanon. So even the fanon here is absulotely awful and the creator using it to fetishize the ab^se within the canon makes this entire situation even worse!) I guess being in a horrible coersion relationship and the current state of it (Stolas and Blitz) should be represented as "love" to Vivienne apparently.... 💀 This also proving that again- Stella was only created as a way to somehow morally "justify" Stolas and Blitz being together with a "but his wife was a meanie uwu and wants to kill Stolas- just because! So pwease buy our merch where we make them harming and sa'ing each other look cute! 🥺". it'd be one thing if she specified whether she ships the canon version or not, but she keeps relating these things to the canon, uses the fanon to further fetishize the canon instead of letting it exist by itself, make the merch of the canon look "sexy/cute!" and all sorts of terrible things that is hard to even describe in words it's that awful.

Everything about this makes me grateful that Dragon Prince exists and that our only gay representation in the world isnt... this. (CONTEXT: Ive been being constantly attacked on Twitter by DaniDraws stans telling me to "delete your channel!" and keep defending Stolas and Blitz in the show (Not the fanon ship- the show! We shouldn't sacrifice our morality just to force a crack ship that we like to be accepted as canon regardless of the toxicity within the canon itself. Some ships should be crack and stay as crack.) and to this day are still harassing my Twitter like as if ive just murdered someone or something. They're really acting like not liking a couple in a show full of fictional characters is the "worst" thing I could ever do, it's actually fucking pathetic.)

Another Tweet: Another vent post, in a row! Please woman- for the love of god please give yourself a break both you and your employees very much need it. Care for yourself, please, for the love of god! So it's not even just the awful takes that are concerning for others, it's Vivziepop being concerning based on her behavior towards herself, honestly- Both how she treats the show and how she projects her own flaws with accountability onto the characters, how she treats Spindlehorse, how she treats herself and how fast that she's doing all these projects, all of it. I hope that Viv receives thearpy soon, the fact that she's said that she doesn't have it yet makes me so sad and I do hope the best for her mental health.

It's one thing for occasionally self aware humor, its another thing to self depricate and continue to very things that are causing you to constantly be stressed in the first place. Viveinne, please get help, im begging you at this point, for the sake of both yourself and the people around you. This isnt even only abou the parasocial fandom you've created from your lack of setting boundries but for your studio and many others. Please get help, im begging you.

As for the tweet itself-

This pretty much confirms that they want us to see the "stolas and blitz" ones as canon despite the fact that it's just Stolas and Blitz either ab^sing each other or having "honey moon" (the phase where a ab^sive relationship seems "healthy" before ab^se occurs again.) phases over and over. But this has no mention of Vox and Val so I honestly have no idea what you're saying anon. Either way, going to Vivziepop's twitter was a mess and a half and I honestly need to stop using Twitter it's becoming a bad habit tbh. Either way- Vivziepop needs to take a break from Hazbin and get help. She's hurting so many people, and even herself because of how she prioritizes the industry over her own health. I actually like these shows too, but I would rather wait and know that the creator isn't rushing things and harming herself so much- Than to see multiple episodes be rushed out a year and to slowly watch Vivziepop harm her own mental health more and more, see her venting about it and full on having break downs like she did two months ago. I cant even do a thing about it since I dont know her personally. I cant call her, I cant send her resources... I can't do much and it upsets me to no end so im going to have to just pray and wait...

[seyvetch]

A vent post of things that have been on my mind lately

I want to fucking die ;-; (I have no plans to act on that just need to vent)

Ffs everything is just getting harder, people can leave me at any time like the person I loved the most who left me a month ago and Im becoming a worse person and I wasnt that amazing in the first place. Everything is just going worse, I barely have hope for future and I cant even feel love properly anymore. Im overwhelmed by minimal ammount work I used to be able to handle and unsure I could even work to get money to sustain myself.

Almost all that I feel is despair anger and apathy. Last time I tried to medicate it caused me great loss of appetite and I almost starved to death bc I couldnt eat. At this point I just want my life to end. I dont know how Im supposed to live in Russia like this nor do I know how to escape it.

3 people who Ill eternaly be greatful to said they would be willing to let me stay with them if I wanted to escape Russia but problem is: one broke all contact with me cuz the host got themself a boyfriend so apperently they didnt like I had a relationship with their sysmate, one ghosts me for some reason despite actively reblogging my posts and me seemingly being on good terms with them when we talk and the 3rd one lives in Germany - a country which language of I dont know still.

Well even if I stayed with any of them Id probably just ruin my relationship with them. Im not that great in person.

One other thing thats been on my mind is the first person I talked about in the list of people who offered me to stay with. I loved them more than anyone probably. More than myself certainly. I thought we were soulmates. I just cant get over them no matter how much I try not to care. They even appear in my dreams though its more like nightmares of rejection. Why did it have to go this way. Is it bad that I still have hope everything will work out? Its probably futile. Im blocked instantly any time I tried to reach them. Whats the most cruel is how the breakup went it wasnt even them to my knowledge who broke me up with them it was their host or another sysmate despite the previous promise that I could still date them. I dont even know how they feel about the breakup. Maybe it was them and they got tired of me. Ill never know bc I havent recieved as much as a goodbye before being blocked. Not as much as a word. I only know that they have a boyfriend bc I looked at their tiktok in trying to decypher why I was left like that :/.

Whatever the painll probably go away with time. What wont go away is my disabilities which are getting harder to deal with in terms of my productivity. Its only getting worse. I can barely make myself do the minimum required of me. How will I find the job? How will I get enough money to move to a different country before I cant leave Russia anymore? Could I leave Russia now if I had money? Would that even be possible? Is it already too late? Had I never had a chance to escape?

No matter how I look at it all I can see in my future is being alone stuck in this hellhole of a country which will only get wose and more authoritarian with time. And then if Im lucky another revolution will happen and devistate what remains of the country leaving the poeple maybe not as oppressed but left in poverty just like the horror stories my parents told me of what happened last time a revolution occured.

Everyone will just leave me behind no matter what I do. It always happens. Its just the matter of time.

Well we will see how it turns out but for now all I can do is to move forward.

[1o1percentmilk]

hi! regarding your social queues post

i feel like i'm experiencing a thing that's a bit similar to what you are dealing with down to the "I'm not autistic but this shit isn't neurotypical" thoughts (and if not, I'm really sorry for an impromptu vent just ignore all of this please and have a kitty ฅ/⁠ᐠ•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠ᐟ⁠\ฅ)

several of my prev psychologists link it to general anxiety and social awkwardness and yeah, that sounds reasonable, but what bothers me is that idk how to improve

i tend to overthink everything I say to the point where, even though I know what a normal response should look like I can't convince myself that what I said/wrote is articulated in a way that doesn't sound dumb/conveys literally the opposite of what I'm trying to deliver. answering a message after days of silence, which actively worsens my relationships, while I fear that answering with a 'stupid' message would be even worse or agonising over a comment I'm trying to leave on someone's work because, well, I think it's neat and cool and I want the artist/author to know it, but when I start typing my words look wrong and not genuine is a constant thing and I'm tired

and yeah, the worst is comforting people. my friend feels terrible, I can clearly see that and my heart is breaking for them, but I can never find a good thing th say. irl you at least can physically be there((maybe)) but online it's a nightmare

I was always told that words should come from the heart and I never got a feeling that was the case for me which just. i dunno what to do with this

hi hello! no, you're good, I have my ask box open for a reason and that includes venting n stuff like that, i don't mind at all!

yeah this is exactly what i'm talking about... like i have no problem picking up on things between the lines... but i always take too long to respond and by the time i think of something i am either too nervous or the window has passed. in my case, I know its because i have a "slower processing speed" than other people, which i've had since I was little, it's easier to think when i can type on a screen and be able to check if im making sense, but i don't do verbal stuff very well.

i've been in therapy as well, a long time ago, and i've been told i might be on the autism spectrum, and/or have add, but i'm pretty resistant to getting a formal diagnosis or even self diagnosing for some reason.

i think for me, and i don't know if this will help for you, i want to 1) get rid of the... mental block? filter? that my thoughts have to get through before I say something... because sometimes i come up with the thought, but don't say anything due to nerves. that'll help me get more thoughts out there and 2) get more practice with people... which is hard! i tried out both improv and drama club in high school because this is an issue i've been working on for a long time... it didn't really work, but i've learned that there are a lot of... scripts! that i can just use in a pinch. even if its just like, small talk and stuff, or if i don't have anything, i just turn the question on the other person and just listen!

i've been trying to make peace with the fact that i will probably never be as good of a talker as other people, but you and me brother we are probably just meant to be listeners... and nothing wrong with that... there IS stuff we can do to get better at talking, which i encourage. but don't get down out of reason for being quiet.

SORRY that got really long despite me not having alot of good advice but im struggling with it with you, good luck with finding something that works.. if u want to talk u are always welcome here, i enjoyed reading your ask!

[creativebrainrot]

another open journal entry (#3)

less venting and more just kind of musing on where im at in my "mental health journey." i guess. also much less heavy than my journal entries and vent posts usually are. mild mentions of abuse.

I need to be kinder to myself. and I need to let myself trust again. Its hard to unlearn though, because its a defense mechanism from when I was 12. maybe younger. it kept me safe for 9 years, probably longer. its really hard to let go of those habits, and they're hard for me to pin down in words. I tend to put my head down and just keep going through the pain- which at the moment I have no choice about. And I don't think thats entirely a bad thing, some people are just like that, it's what works for them. The part that I think I should unlearn is my motivation for it. The assumption that if I reach out, it will go ignored, it will be used against me, I'll become an unwanted burden, I'll show a side of myself that turns people- friends I want to keep, away from me. That post, "Humans are meant to be burdens," is something I'm trying to internalize, it's just difficult because for so long that wasn't what I was shown from my abuser. Anything that made me, me, was used against me. He treated my dad like that too.

All of that treatment has made it really hard for me to let myself feel loved, valued, wanted in any capacity, and it's hard to unlearn all that. The worst offender was all the times that I, a small, tiny child, wanted to bug my father, like a small, tiny child would want to do, and he would brush me off. invalidate me. ignore me. find a way to cut me down when I shared something I valued. give me reasons why what I thought was wrong. but in an extremely insidious way, so that he could worm his way out of being in the wrong on a technicality.

That, has stuck with me still. It's the next thing to unlearn. That the people around me, will not snap at me, for no apparent reason. They'll talk to me like a fucking adult, and tell me if they can or cannot attend something or if they have time to hangout or whatever.

This entire "thing" hinges on me being the one to reach out. because I was smacked away so many times.

and I'll unlearn it. Because I don't want to live my life with this junk lying around from a life now dead. I'm Kaleb now. I'm Theryn now. I have my own life, and my own friends, and I am an adult, I have more freedom with everyday that I live. My dad and I will make it through this month, to better years, and we'll never look back.

Clinging to the hope of a brighter future with the fervor of a god, was the most painful thing I have ever done and not regretted once.

All of my "nasty brain static" is much worse when I'm tired. Life lately has been extremely stressful, and that makes me sleep long and hard, and I wake up just as tired as I was before.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

whatever its my vent i need to use it to vent or else this shit is gonna rip me apart like a tornado, its already begun

i dont think anyone will see this, i sure hope not! if you do, no you didnt. just ignore me for now, ill live

im scared. its that same thing, fear thats like an old friend at this point. hi! nice to see you again, take a seat lets do this again i guess. scared, i see things that arent there. little things, seemingly nothing, but its. i spend too much time trying to look into things and read abandonment before it happens, i know that. reading into things looking for abandonment and rejection will yield those results. i KNOW this. but i keep doing it.

small, it starts off small. 95% , im alright! anything i see, i just shake off. am i actually seeing it? or do i just think i see it? its simple... and then it starts to dwindle the more i see. okay.. well. this still doesnt mean anything! control yrself, its alright, you are safe, and you are loved.. right? no, of course i am! of course... time passes, things pile up, below half its not looking good! just. keep it together. youve been doing so good, havent you? youve been such a non issue for them! good. keep it that way. calms for a bit, but. how else do i phrase this? when i keep losing skill checks over and over and over again, you must understand! of course it just gets worse, im just not.. good at this.

im losing my charm, im getting dull, im grey and boring im.. annoying, probably. yes.. dreadful, arent you? YAWN. okay

its like.. ive been reassured so many times, i usually just reply that information over and over when i start to feel myself crack, but.. eventually, it goes quiet. im using old words to reassure myself, what if.. what if somethings changed? what if its not true anymore?

do i REALLY wanna get into how pathetic i am? sure why not, i said i love you a few times and it was overlooked. both ways. i cant blame them though, i probably say it too much, thats what i mean by annoying. maybe.. its so glaringly obvious how much i want to be here, maybe its genuinely obnoxious? maybe they just didnt notice, maybe they meant to but forgot! or maybe. its not true anymore. maybe they say it with contempt, maybe they say it with a sigh. that sounds right, doesnt it?

is it real? i have no idea! genuinely. im blinded here, i see whats real and what isnt, which means i see nothing at all basically. the worst part about it? i dont believe theyre those kind of people, not even a little bit! i just.. get scared that maybe ill bring it out of them, maybe its ME thats the problem, that wears them down, yknow?

this has been growing for like. more than a month at this point. slowly just.. chipping away, breaking down my armor. ive always been temporary in the past. even when im so excited to keep going, so excited to explore this path and enjoy it, i cant lie and say that fear wont rear its head eventually. eventually im going to be afraid again, afraid of little things. small. but you cant just say "hey! any tiny thing you do regarding me, i will see it and read into it and probably take it wrong" cuz thats not right!! even if its TRUE that doesnt make it right. no bpd walking on eggshells please 🙏🙏 please.

it always feels awful to be doing like really well! and then it just starts... sinking. you feel yrself sinking, you feel the flooring underneath yr feet start to lower, but you stare up into the sky anyways, its okay for now! its slowly becoming not okay. im scared im just..

i have a hard time going long without positive reinforcement or reassurance that im still. WANTED. that im doing anything right at all. i just need a little!! just a little, and itll go a long way i promise! i start to retreat back into my shell, i start regarding myself as a visitor and not a resident. ill stay away, ill become distant and nervous, less sure of myself, etc. scared, treading lightly so to speak. like the smallest thing will ruin it, its fragile and i need to take great care and make sure i dont shatter this. thats how im feeling again recently. its really just a me problem, this feeling grows over time and im so painfully aware of it

but.. thats where the problem arises, i couldnt ever ask for it. cuz.. if you deserved it, dont you think they wouldve given it to you? then theres some sort of separation, theres an answer. if they wont say they feel it, its because they dont. how embarrassing is that? i know its not true, theres probably another answer, but... what if it is? ive been doing so terrible recently, like as a friend im not doing good at all. i havent been, ive been trying but. im not trying hard enough, i need to do more. but if i do more, then i seem desperate dont i? i am desperate, even if i dont like to admit it, its true

what do i do then? if yr desperate and they dont like it, it reinforces to them why they shouldnt like you and yr worse off then before you asked! but if you never ask...

why does it always boil down to this? the 'damned if i do, damned if i dont' thing? its constant, im literally frozen in place. its killing me one way or another. and its so fucking weird how i can be fully confident, cuz it never bothers me when someone asks for help or reassurance, im here! bitch of course yr there!!! you cant live without them, ofc you do shit like that!! that doesnt mean itll be returned to you. you can hope it will be, but.. what if you try and its not? then its basically set in stone, you arent good enough anymore. yeowch!