#myspnmeta

[niche-pastiche]

The SPN gun meta post no one asked for

One fun tidbit from SPN is that everybody has symbolic guns except Cas. Who doesn't use guns. (Except for once, but we're getting to that.)

So, right. Starting in season 1, we see that Dean props the truck of Baby open with a shotgun. The contents are the messiest in the first season. 

(I’ve gone ahead and put the rest under the cut because this post gets kinda long. Seriously, I’m pretty sure guns are this show’s love language y’all.)

The gun he uses to prop open the trunk to be able to sort through his baggage is the sawed off Ithaca 37 shotgun that Sam eventually develops a preference for.

(Okay, so quick side note. After season 2 they got a different armorer and that's when the consistent purposeful gun symbolism starts to really take shape. Season 1, they're just kind of stumbling into it by sheer luck.) The Ithaca is Sam in the visual language of the show.

The two shotguns we see the boys welding the first few seasons are Sam's Ithaca, and the side by side sawed off. 

The side by side sawed off is something all of them use (until Dean gets his own unique shotgun) but it's something that the show uses to symbolize family, safety, home, and Bobby Singer.

Right so lets dig into this some more. We'll start with Bobby Singer.

The shotgun he is most closely associated with a sawed off double barrel shotgun. Which is interesting because that's usually a redneck-villain/cold baddass gun. It’s the gun you'd give to the scary redneck character. Or like... Generic Action Hero McStubble face. BUT that's just because it's sawed off. The sawed off part is what adds the hollywood action movie layers. And season 1 was very much only drawing from movie short hand. But later seasons build on it. 

Because regular shotguns are for stuff like hunting and home defense.

Providing and protecting.

And this gun comes to have that connotation too within the visual language of this show. It’s used by the boys a lot too. This is a little family-unit symbol of a gun. It's also The only gun we ever see Cas use in the show. It happens only once. And it's one Bobby gives to him.

EXT. BOBBY'S YARD BOBBY: What's your problem? CASTIEL: This is what they mean by "the 11th hour," right? BOBBY: Pretty much. CASTIEL: Well, it's the 11th hour, and I am useless. All I have is this. ( Castiel waves a shotgun What am I even supposed to do with it? BOBBY: Point it and shoot. CASTIEL: What I used to be -- BOBBY: Are you really gonna bitch --to me? Quit pining for the varsity years...And load the damn truck.

And later, Cas shoots this symbolic gun, rescuing Sam while fighting alongside Bobby. And Cas is like "Family. A father figure that cares. Interesting."

Okay, what Cas really said was "Actually, these things can be useful." but the symbolism is there.

It's important to remember that Kripke describes this show as a Midwestern. So it uses the visual language of westerns.

And it has gun culture running through its blood.

Guns are shown as noble here. There was one episode with a clear anti gun message in it, but it used a knife as a stand in for Jack playing with a gun and getting a friend shot. 

Knives carry all the symbolism that an anti-gun piece of media would give to guns in this show. Which is REALLY interesting because guns are given all the nobility a fantasy nerd would expect from swords.

And that is very much how folks like the Winchesters would think of their guns. Like swords, passed down from generation to generation.

Anyway. I got off track.

So Bobby's shotgun is a classic sawed off. But his signature sidearm is a Colt Single Action Army, which tells us a lot about Bobby.

That is THE Colt Peacemaker.

You have to pull back the hammer manually each time you want to fire it. (Which is why people in westerns do that funny thing with two hands to "fan the hammer" to fire in quick succession in like... a saloon shootout)

Bobby's old fashioned. He's classic. He's got an old fashioned gun which has... IDK how to explain this but it's a gun that has soul to it. (I'll come back to this)

it's unadorned but it's still got soul and character and you adjust the sights by filing down the hammer and like... It's everything Bobby Singer in gun form.

Since we're talking about revolvers, lets talk about “The Colt” for a second. (A Colt Paterson 1836.)

Actually, let's talk about the Winchester Family Tree first. It goes Henry Winchester>John Winchester> Dean (& Sam but Dean's the first born and thus inherits the guns and the car.)

John's got a BUNCH of war vet and/or POW symbolism, Vietnam specifically but also just in general. (and some of it's just plain text)

His symbolic gun is The Colt. (Though Dean's 1911 started out as his too in the same way Baby did. But that was season one before they really ironed this stuff out and it’s just in one flashback so feel free to ignore that if you want.)

The Colt is a war trophy of sorts, having been taken from a vampire nest. Which instantly catapults in to Significant Family Heirloom status. And it’s also the property of John’s deceased mentor, Danny Elkins. Which would honestly be enough to give it that status on it’s own.

And it's meant to kill Azazel and then John's ghost comes back from hell and helps Dean use it to kill Azazel.

It's also a colt single action.

I mention Henry Winchester because the granddaddy of modern repeating arms was the Henry repeating rifle which was later succeeded by the Winchester carbine.

"Nicknamed the "Yellow Boy" for the characteristic hue of the receiver, the Winchester Model 1866 was an improved version of the Henry 1860, "

Somebody in season 1 (before the armorer from season 2 onwards was the LEAD armorer) realized they forgot to give him a winchester and threw it in last second even though there's no space for it.

That's John's trunk.

Everybody's got guns with soul. Everybody. Even Sam’s Taurus PT92AFS, (which is basically just a little off brand Beretta) gets nickel plating and pearl grips. I like to think Dean did it as a gift. Because it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing Sam would do.

Anyway, The Colt. Significant Family Heirloom Gun. Obviously goes to either the spouse or if the spouse is dead, the first born son. Right? 

Guns are basically swords. Like Aragorn gets the sword of Isuldur, Dean should get the colt. If he were a young child, it'd go to his guardian to keep for him until he was old enough but Dean's old enough for guns.

But... It goes to Bobby instead. Who cares for it. And maintains it. Even though it's dead as far as the magic goes and "only good for seeing what made it tick" at this point.

This kind of thing is an important mourning ritual, y’all. And there’s no reason for Dean not to be the one doing it.

Here’s Bobby test firing it.

And here he is adjusting the sights.

And like... I legit have thousands of words written about the potential love story hidden in the subtext there. Single action’s aren’t a practical gun y’all. They’re sentimental and old fashioned. There’s love in this.

But I've gotten off track again.

The point here is that good guy’s guns have soul in this show.

But some guns don't.

In order to have a soul it needs artistry and craftsmanship. It needs to be at least a little old fashioned or decorative or just classy.

Gordon's guns are soulless.

Heckler and Koch. Mass produced and unfeeling.

Heckler and Koch. Modern. Cold. Not tied to any kind of American gun mythos.

Gordon is not about art. He's not about family. And neither are his guns. It's about killing. Brutal, ruthless, and wrong. There is nothing noble here.

I'll come back to this.

Okay so Sam has his nickel plated pearl grip offbrand Beretta. It's important to note that the Beretta is a pretty standard police side arm. So it gives Sam like... a noble sheriff vibe but modern. Jody Mills carries a Beretta. 

(I get that the idea of a sheriff who keeps the law in a lawless town is problematic but the show is using the language of westerns and thus I have to use it to explain what's going on. I'm not saying I like the trope.)

Anyway, this cheeper off brand cop gun has been given soul (despite not being the more expensive brand name option) by being customized to match Deans. It's had love put into it.

Both boys start out the series using the same shotgun as Bobby but eventually gravitate towards shotguns that become uniquely theirs.

Dean's is a beautiful sawed off Winchester Model 1887 which Jo hands him when she dies in the hardware store.  

From pretty much that moment on, that's Dean's shotgun.

And shotguns in this show are consistently for protecting family.

They use them to fight ghosts in haunted houses for goodness sakes. There's just a wealth of metaphor to it.

And they've also got their whole "rock salt" whatever going on so they're effectively the gentlest option too. (Please don’t try that at home. No clue what would happen but assume the worst.)

Sam's shotgun is the Ithica that Dean uses to prop open the trunk. To help him sort through all the baggage he’s carrying around in there.

The SEASON that convinced me I'd found something here and wasn’t just imagining things was Season 6.

Souless Sam uses almost exclusively Heckler and Koch.

Endverse!Dean used almost exclusively Heckler and Koch stuff too.

Pretty much everybody in the Croatoan future used heavily military, mass produced, black, large, high capacity, high rate of fire stuff you might expect evil gangster villains to use.

Soulless. All death and violence. Just like Sam in Season 6. And at no point while soulless does Sam use his nickle plated gun. Instead, he uses this monstrosity.

A Heckler & Koch Mark 23. And the camera lingers on it. We’re meant to notice something’s wrong.

When he's fighting himself in his head in "The Man Who Knew Too Much". Souless Sam is still using the soulless guns. And our sam is using his nickel plated gun. (And the Sam that contains his memories of being tortured in hell uses a knife.)

Souless/evil Sam uses a Heckler & Koch Mk 23 whilst pursuing "good" Sam in "The Man Who Knew Too Much" (S06E22).

Good Sam IMMEDIATELY switches back to using his Taurus PT92AFS with pearl grips after he gets his soul back and continues to use it while fighting his Evil/Soulless self in in The Man Who Knew to Much.

And guess what Sam uses to prop open the trunk in The Man Who Knew Too Much? An episode where Sam is literally woking through his trauma and baggage? His big brother Dean's Winchester Model 1887.

Just like Dean uses Sam's Ithaca.

And in the one episode where Ben has to fight? What does Dean hand his own kid to defend himself while they get Lisa to safety?

If you guessed his Winchester Model 1887, you guessed right.

There’s still so much else I didn’t cover, but I’m gonna end it here because it’s already way too long. Hopefully someone finds it interesting.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

BUDDIES. I am skipping forward for just a moment today in Season 12, because I recently rewatched 12x09 and Billie’s first death scene deserves its own post, because I have fucking NOTES.  This is mainly focused on the physical blocking of the scene and some dialogue parallels, so it’s BEST experienced by watching the actual scenes referenced back to back, but I will try to recreate my theory visually in the post. **THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR 15x18 DESPAIR, so if you have not seen it do not read further** 

Anyways - come reach with me, as we fast forward temporarily to 12x09: First Blood, when Billie shows up and the boys make a deal (she kills them and then brings them back to life one last time to break them out of super mega secret hell federal prison, in exchange for:

BILLIE

Come midnight, a Winchester goes bye-bye. Like, permanently. And that is something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time.)

[Sam and Dean look at each other, but before either of them can answer, Mary turns around to face Billie, drawing her handgun from her waistband as she turns.]

MARY

Me.

DEAN 

Mom, mom.

SAM

No. No.

[Billie flings Sam and Dean away with her power.]

MARY: You said come midnight, a Winchester dies? I’m a Winchester.

BILLIE: Works for me.

[Mary cocks her gun and raises it toward her head]

SAM: Mom!

DEAN: Don’t!

THINGS TO TAKE NOTE OF ->

***take note of Dean’s positioning on the floor below

***take note of Mary’s “I love you”

***take note of Billie’s body positioning, looking up as she dies

Dean spirals a few times in the following episodes about Cas breaking that blood deal for them, but not much reallllllyyy comes of it (well other than Billie becoming Death - but that’s not because of the deal, she’s just the first reaper to die since Death’s death).   So where are the cosmic consequences of breaking the deal?  Seems unfinished.

Now, go watch the end bit of 15x18: Despair (I’m sorry)

THINGS TO TAKE NOTE OF:

***take note of Cas’s “I love you”

***take note of Dean’s positioning on the floor below

***take note of Cas’s body positioning/looking upward as he is consumed by the Empty (I can’t find a good .gif of just this but the above sequence at the end plus this still below will have to do)

Cosmic fucking consequences indeed.  Is this not the same fucking scene?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Guess Dean was right for being so worried when Cas broke that deal.

I hate this show.

BONUS:

(12x09)

(12x09)

(12x09)

(15x18)

(15x18)

(15x18)

WHAT THE FUCK

SUPER HELL MEGA BONUS FOR EATERS OF GLASS:

[flashback to the prison cells, where first Dean and then Sam slice their palms open with Dean’s screw] [to make the blood deal with Billie that Cas broke].

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

sigh okay so since y’all have gone and done Baby meta and Dead Guy Robe meta I would like to announce that I am logging on to the hellsite today to discuss the fucking  Men of Letters Bunker Table.

And the Kitchen Table.  Yes.  We’re doing Table meta today, with a specific side dissertation about The Initials.

I am so sorry, but also it’s all your fault.  Here we go, after the cut!

A preamble:  

Here’s the first thing the boys ever carved their initials into, claiming it as their own.  

A 1967 Chevrolet Impala that “would turn out to be the most important car – no, the most important object – in pretty much the whole universe.”

So we have it established in canon that Sam and Dean carve their initials in Important Objects.  In fact, the little details, little pieces that Sam and Dean add over time that meld with and become a part of the Impala are crucial to the end of 5x22:Swan Song - seeing the bits of Sam and Dean that makes baby their own gives Sam the strength to overpower Lucifer.  Go watch that shit here.

Ready to clown?  The Bunker library table is a Baby/Impala mirror.

Think about it.  Baby used to be “home” - Chuck makes that point in Swan Song too -

“maybe they never really had a roof and four walls...but they were never in fact, homeless.” 

“That’s a good line.”

Sure is, Chuck.

Sam also says it in Baby’s very own episode, 11x04:Baby.

But when they’re not riding around in Baby, the Bunker/Bat Cave is their other home, the one with the roof and four walls.

And where do they spend the most time while there? (well, Dean may spend more time in the kitchen but we’ll get to that later)

Sitting at the Library Table.

(bless my babe he cannot sit like a regular person, and I am THE same).

They work together there:

They also work with others there.  

So it’s their “hub” as well as where they welcome others, publicly/openly.  That’s important.

(Want more Impala/Library Table parallels?)

this blocking from 15x18 is exactly how they sit in baby when chatting in 11x04

you can see Sam’s arm showing the positioning below

and also when they fall asleep

Ok back to tables.  A decent amount of domestic scenes also occur at the Library Table.

However, any domestic scenes that include Cas are usually at the Kitchen Table 

(and remember, the kitchen is Cas’s favorite place per 11x03: Hells Angel; it’s where he is in his head when possessed by Lucifer):

See? Kitchen Table:

Could They Emphasize Any More that We are at the Kitchen Table?

(for additional serotonin)

Morning Sunshine/Coffee scene. Kitchen Table.

Kitchen Table:

Kitchen Table:

The Kitchen Table also appears to be most often frequented by Dean:

See how Dean is consistently sitting at it while Sam is standing or walking in when Dean is already there?

And it tends to be used for more secretive, emotional or private moments (the Cas and Jack cereal scene above, or Sam and Dean planning to put Jack in the Malaak box below, as an example:)

Another, more somber shot of this one to remind you that while it was domestic, it was emotional too.

Other characters have used it for secretive/private/emotional scenes as well.

Like this surprise reunion setup between Sully and Sam:

Mary reading John’s journal:

First conversation with Midam since the cage:

(she’s plotting to kill Jack here)

John seeing Mary for the first time in Lebanon:

No explanation necessary:

THIS MOMENT IS ALSO IN THE KITCHEN

BONUS: this outfit

DOUBLE BONUS:

after Dean presumably stays up all night drinking one-on-one with Mick in 12x17:British Invasion 

Ok, now lets move on to the initials.

They first appear on the table in 12x18:The Memory Remains.

DEAN

I wonder what's gonna happen to this place. After we're gone, you think some hunter'll move in, keep fightin' the fight?

(**a moment of feral screaming re 15x20)

SAM

Yeah, I hope so.

DEAN

Yeah. Me, too.

[Dean gets out his knife from his pocket.]

SAM 

What are you doin'?

DEAN

Leaving our mark. Here.

[Dean and Sam carve their initials into the library table like they'd done to Baby as kids]

Mary’s are added after her death (14x18:Absence).

And finally, in 15x19 we get Cas’s.  Let’s see it one more time.

Again - these initials are carved on the Library Table. The work table.  The table shown to the public, where guests tend to be seated.

I’ve been calling them initials but note - Dean used Cas’s full name.  No, it’s not because they didn’t want to anger the fans by spelling Cas wrong.

It’s because Dean always uses Cas’s full name when he introduces him to other people. (start at :48)

The Library Table is the domestic family table - for everyone except for Cas, whose domestic scenes tend to occur at the kitchen table (the table of private/secret moments, the table in Cas’s favorite place, the place where Cas’s favorite person seems to spend a lot of time).  Dean has been hiding his relationship with Cas from the world in. this. kitchen.

Carving Cas’s name on the Library Table is Dean making a choice.  It’s Dean choosing Cas as family publicly; it’s Dean bringing Cas home, permanently; it’s Dean introducing Castiel to the world as a part of him, as his own.  

This is Dean’s “I love you, too.”

CHUCK (VOICEOVER)

So, what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. [Flashbacks play.] Up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point? 

BONUS SUPPORT FOR KITCHENS AS SECRET POST-COITAL HIDDEN RELATIONSHIP HANGS:

brb, eating glass.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!

(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!”  because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).

Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!

This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 

Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]

Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -

EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RUSSEL 

First date.

They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 

ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...

RUSSEL I know. Me too.

ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...

[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]

****Remember this detail, as it is important.

ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 

Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 

Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -

"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”

-Revelations 6:5

Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  

Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:

CASTIEL 

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "

"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "

"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "

***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?

Gluttony

and Lust.

***this is also important

Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or

have premarital sex.

***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM

Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.

DEAN 

And when did you start eating?

CASTIEL 

Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.

***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->

SAM 

I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.

CASTIEL 

Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)

we get a red herring

CASTIEL 

Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.

DEAN 

Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

CASTIEL 

It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect

***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?

give me a damn break.

to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.

it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  

SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.

Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?

**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud

DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.

***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -

DR. CORMAN [to Dean]

Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.

****was that a flirtation?

***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   

SAM

I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?

DEAN 

Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

SAM 

So you're not into bars full of lonely women?

DEAN 

Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?

SAM 

That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.

***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm

ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*

 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives

****JACKTING JOICES

oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.

frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]

but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.

FAMINE 

I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

DEAN 

Oh, you're so full of crap.

FAMINE 

Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 

***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?

I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 

***not THIS parallel:

AMARA:

You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame

You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 

***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!

***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].

BONUS

there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  

Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  

This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 

Wanna know the kicker?  

Episode’s called Metamorphosis.

(GIF by jackttwist)

I’ll see myself out.

[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:

if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]

***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]

[niche-pastiche]

SPN Clown Meta no one asked for.

From the person's mind that brought you the SPN Gun Meta no one asked for. It's the SPN clown meta no one asked for!

Though a more accurate title would be:

Clowns, Dean's internalized homophobia, Sam Meta and a case for Dean/Ash.

Just a warning up front, this deals with some heavy topics, and if that's not your cup of tea for meta, consider skipping this one

Things discussed within include: Discussion of the heavy implications that Sam is a CSA survivor. Discussion of the serial murderer and child predator John Wayne Gacy (no graphic detail). The "predatory gay" trope. Homophobia of the 1955 "Boys Beware" anti gay PSA variety. That same brand of homophobia, but internalized. The general homophobic background noise of the 2000s.

Use your best judgement and stay safe. I totally understand this meta's not going to be for everyone.

Okay lets start by listing off some episodes with clowns in them/mentioned in them.

2.02 Everybody Loves a Clown written by John Shiban Lots of clowns. So many clowns. Clowns out the wazoo. Going to go in depth on this one later in the post. 2.05 Simon Said written by Ben Edlund There’s a line about clowns. Specifically a reference to John Wayne Gacy. 5.11 Sam, Interrupted written by Andrew Dabb and Daniel Loflin Serial killer and sexual predator John Wayne Gacy's clown art is mentioned when Dean sees some creepy clown art done by Martin Creaser, an extremely anxious frightened man. 7.14 Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie written by Andrew Dabb and Daniel Loflin Clown is an evil effeminate man working at a Chucky Cheese who specifically looks for vulnerable children (and brings drawings of their worst fears to life) 11.07 Plush written by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder Clown is just a man. A good man. Mistakenly accused of being a bad man. 14.13 Lebanon written by Andrew Dabb and Meredith Glynn Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy 14.20 Moriah written by Andrew Dabb Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy. 15.01 Back and to the Future written by Andrew Dabb Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy.

Please notice just how much John Wayne Gacy shows up in this. It's not the Joker (Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger or Mark Hamill varieties.) Not Bozo or Buster Keaton. The go to reference is John Wayne Gacy. We get one mention of Ronald McDonald.

5 out of 8 of those instances are Gacy. Three of them are his actual ghost. There's something going on here.

Now lets take a closer look.

(I put an absolute clown car worth of meta after the cut)

Going in reverse order, we can set 15.01 14.20 and 14.13 to the side right now. John Wayne Gacy is John Wayne Gacy. It's not deeper than that.

But who is John Wayne Gacy? Why's it relevant to SPN?

If we want to understand what 2.02 Everybody Loves a Clown says about Dean Winchester's internalized homophobia, we have to understand what all things he's internalizing. Dean's go to clown reference is Gacy, so it obviously left an impression.

Wikipedia puts it thusly:

"John Wayne Gacy (March 17, 1942 – May 10, 1994) was an American serial killer and sex offender known as the Killer Clown who assaulted and murdered at least 33 young men and boys. Gacy regularly performed at children's hospitals and charitable events as "Pogo the Clown" or "Patches the Clown", personas he had devised."

But that really doesn't give a full picture of who this dude was, or what it has to do with Dean.

Gacy was a horrible predatory man who preyed on teenage boys and if you want the particulars of that you can look it up yourself. It was brutal. There were twenty-six dead, brutalized bodies were found in the crawl space of Gacy's home.

Which brings me to why this meta is about....

Clowns and Dean's internalized homophobia.

If you want to understand the Winchester's framework for who queer people are and what queerness is, you've got to remember that Dean was growing up during the AIDs crisis in an environment where the media he is exposed to is hardly likely to portray gay, much less bisexual men in a positive light. And Dean's ideas of queerness has been shaped by horror movies and high profile sex offenders.

I've never watched Lost Boys, but @deanwasalwaysbi puts it nicely, saying "Dean’s clearly very into Lost Boys, the 1987 queercoded gay vampire panic version of peter pan, complete with AIDS metaphors and fear of family acceptance."

That's the mental stage on which Everybody Loves a Clown is set. Queerness as predatory.

2x02 Everybody Loves a Clown

It's the second episode of season 2. John Winchester has just traded his life for Dean's. Dean is dealing with heaps of survivor's guilt. Their Dad, the head of household. The one traditionally responsible for protecting to the family (and who took that responsibility to unhealthy extremes) is dead.

Everybody Loves a Clown takes place one week later.

And Dean is managing. At the start of the episode, he's rebuilding the Impala. This is a good thing.

The Impala is Dean's childhood home, but also a symbol of himself. It's doing well when Dean is. It's not when he's not. This metaphor is established in the previous episode 1x01 In My Time of Dying during this conversation between Bobby and Sam while Dean is lying in the hospital dying after the car crash:

SAM looks down at the mangled car. BOBBY is there as well. SAM: Oh man, Dean is gonna be pissed. BOBBY: Look, Sam. This... this just ain't worth a tow. I say we empty the trunk, sell the rest for scrap. SAM: No. Dean would kill me if we did that. When he gets better he's gonna want to fix this. BOBBY: There's nothing to fix. The frame's a pretzel, and the engine's ruined. There's barely any parts worth salvaging. SAM: Listen to me, Bobby. If there's only one working part, that's enough. We're not just going to give up on... BOBBY (quietly) : Okay. You got it.

At the start of Everybody Loves A Clown, Dean is fixing things. He's staying occupied. He's putting in the work to get better. And so the car is getting better too. And he's fixing the car because it's something he can fix. He can't save his dad, but he can save this car. The only home he's ever known.

Dean's in rough shape, but he's getting better. He's putting in the work at self improvement.

The boys head to roadhouse, and find Ash asleep on the pool table. Like this. And the pose feels weirdly sexy in a way I can't pinpoint.

Sam moves on when they determine that Ash is not a chick and thus probably not Ellen, but Dean who walked closer, lingers longer.

And glances back while walking away.

Dean gets so distracted, in fact, that Jo is able to sneak up on him and hold him at gunpoint.

When we get our first real introduction to Ash...

Dean starts flirting with him within the first minute of meeting him.

"You got to be kidding me. This guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie." is a compliment coming from Dean. And Ash's appearance tells Dean enough to know that it would be one to Ash too. Dean's tone makes that clear even if you didn't know anything about Lynyrd Skynyrd.

If you watch Dean's body language in this scene, it may look a little closed off, but mostly it looks a lot like the thing guys do sometimes where they'll cross their arms so they can tuck their hands under their biceps to make their muscles look bigger. It's as adorable as it is obvious. And his body is turned towards Ash.

He's flirting. Dean Winchester starts this episode openly flirting with an openly queer man.

Ash responds positively, and Dean moves in closer.

What do I mean Ash is openly queer?

I can not possibly emphasize enough just how loudly queer this feral country boy is. This is 2006. Ash is wearing his gay little vest with his already very skinny frame and he's got one ear pierced.

Please trust me when I say that Country Good Ol' Boys like Ash (who we find out in 5x16 Dark Side of The Moon grew up in a snake handling church) did not pierce their ears in 2006 to be trendy.

People aren't going to see that and think he's cool, or punk. They're going to see it and know he's gay.

Literally the only reason for a guy like Ash to be walking around in 2006 with an earring is because he's loudly and proudly gay.

And Dean notices. Dean's interested.

By the end of that conversation, Dean's body language is open and entirely directed towards Ash. He's impressed. And he's considering it. As Ash leaves Dean takes his chance and complements Ash's hair. Look at that face. That is Dean's flirting face! And Ash is preening under the attention.

Gif description: "By the way, I dig the haircut." Dean flirts. Ash flirts back, preening a little as he says "Business in the front. Party in the back." Complete with a little hair toss of his mullet.

Of course, the second Ash leaves, Dean checks out Jo's ass. As if to remind himself and the world that he's still into women.

Sam's fear of Clowns. Why Clowns? Why Gacy?

Ellen hands Sam the folder on the child abducting clown and is kind of gentle, hesitates a little a first when she says "I was going to give this to a friend of mine."

I think the implication being that she was going to give it to their dad.

Which makes sense considering how almost obsessively protective their dad was of Sam. And honestly, in light of the clown symbolism, I'm feeling pretty dang protective of Sam too.

Okay let me explain. And tie things into another clown episode.

In 7x14 Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie, it's heavily implied that Sam was abused by a child predator after Dean left him at one of those play places as a kid. When Dean calls and asks Sam "Do you remember a chain called Plucky Pennywhistle's?" Sam's face looks genuinely afraid at just the mention of them.

SAM: [after a pause] No. DEAN: Really? Could have swore you loved those places. SAM: No, dude, I hated them. Uh, you would dump me and go trolling for chicks. DEAN: It's not like I left you in jail. I mean, those places are supposed to be fun.

Dean asks Sam to go investigate and when Sam expresses reluctance, sounding genuinely scared now, Dean wonders aloud "Yeah, what in the world did they do to you?" And Sam makes a face Dean can't see from over the phone that says clearly they did something.

The reason they stamp kids hands at those kinds of places are to make sure that each kid leaves with the adult they came in with, and while it's better than nothing, it's incredibly far from fool proof.

Dean left Sam in those places unsupervised as a kid, and if Dean's account is at all trustworthy it seems like Sam's fear of clowns was something developed after that started. And Sam would have been particularly vulnerable, as isolated as he was.

The bad guy in that episode turned out to be an employee at Pennywhistle's who targeted vulnerable children. And also targeted Sam Winchester.

In 1x18 Something Wicked, we find out that a Striga who disguised itself as a pediatrician and preys on children targeted Sam as a child. Azazel has appointed himself in the role of an evil coach at evil summer camp and made sexual comments about Mary Winchester while wearing the body of her dead father during 4x03 In the Beginning. (The same Samuel Campbell who Sam works so closely with after he comes back from hell soulless.) then broke into their house while John was asleep and bleed in Sam's mouth infecting him with demon blood. Then, there's a scene from 5x22 Swan Song which only works if watched while remembering that boys and men can be victims too.

In some astoundingly good acting by Jared Padalecki, we watch Lucifer (wearing Sam's skin) bring together people who have all taken advantage of him at some point in the past. An elementary school teacher. Sam's "prom date" (guys can also be coerced into sex) and Doug from "that time in east lancing."

The show doesn't say it outright, but it insinuates it. Rewatch that scene with an eye towards that and it becomes clear. Sam Winchester has been through repeated revictimization. (Sam's storylines are dark, y'all. Ruby was his abusive girlfriend and drug dealer. Meg 1.0 repeatedly makes unwanted sexual advances on him. Sam is dealing with A LOT.) There's themes of self harm/drug use (demon blood) and coercion and being taken advantage of that Sam's stories put center stage and portray as matters of importance to the entire world. This stuff that usually gets wrongfully minimized and dismissed as "teen girl problems", as if that makes it less important.

Is it messed up that this show had to give a man those stories to be able to address them seriously? Yeah. But I'm still glad they did it.

Because Sam's got a lot going on to write meta about if you look past the stories you'd expect based on his gender.

Anyway, it's little wonder why the show uses Gacy's Pogo the Clown as the quintessential clown instead of someone else. Because Sam's fear isn't really about clowns.

Back to Everybody Loves a Clown though. Dean doesn't know about the clown case yet. He's off going through the motions of flirting with Jo but his heart's not in it. And he realizes that so he gives up before even really trying. And like... she calls him on the fact he was going to try a pickup line. There's no chemistry there. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

In the office at the carnival, there are two chairs. One's a normal one, and the other looks like a clown. Sam looks incredibly uncomfortablewhen he has to essentially sit on this plastic clown's lap.

In this episode, we also discover that Dean hates funhouses.

Hmmm. I wonder why? Is it because they're full of mirrors that reflect yourself back at you, but distorted. Is the metaphor a little too on the nose surrounded by all those clowns?

At the job interview for the traveling circus or whatever, this exchange happens:

MR. COOPER: You see, this place, it's a refuge for outcasts. Always has been. For folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two? You should go to school. Find a couple of girls. Have two point five kids. Live regular. DEAN is about to say something, but SAM leans forward, eyes serious. SAM: Sir? We don't want to go to school. And we don't want regular. We want this.

Dean sits back and shuts up, looking at Sam trying to figure him out.

Suddenly Sam has started caring about what "dad would have wanted" now that John's dead. (Please take a moment to note that the entire plot of season 2 is about how the demon that their dad has been trying to hunt down and kill is one that sneaks into children's nurseries and bleeds in babies mouths and kills their mothers. This show is not subtle with its aids fears. But they're all filtered through a bizarre brand of masculine right leaning home invasion fantasy.)

And Dean's stuck reassessing how safe it is to come out of the closet right now.

Anyway, the rest of the episode happens and Dean and Sam fight a child abducting clown in a funhouse and Dean hates fun houses and Sam hates clowns.

And then it's back to the roadhouse.

What's with Dean's lack of chemistry with Jo?

I swear this interaction with Jo looks more than anything like she's trying and failing to flirt with Sam. But Sam's just being an idiot and reads it wrong.

I know that's not what they meant for it to look, but that's what it does look like.

And then we're back to Ash again with the way Dean says "Hmm. Can I be honest with you? See, normally I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, uh, these days... I don't know."

This is a boy who's probably not fully aware that bisexuality is even a thing. But Jo seems a bit more informed. "Wrong place, wrong time?" Jo replies knowingly, as they are waiting for Ash to return any minute now.

"Yeah," Dean mutters, not making eye contact.

"It's okay. I get it." She assures him.

And then Ash opens the door. Returning triumphant. And this time he's lost the shirt he had on under his home made vest. He's showing significantly more skin, and dropping a Pink Flamingoes reference.

Pink Flamingos is a cult classic and it's extremely queer.

This feels like Ash is testing Dean to see if it was just a fluke or if Dean really is queer.

To admit knowledge of Pink Flamingoes is to admit to some level of familiarity with queerness. And Dean does.

Sam looks confused at the reference, but Dean just takes it in stride. Ash glances at Dean, and then continues.

And then Dean, reaches out to touch Ash's laptop. And the way it is filmed is... It's kinda sensual? Anyway, Ash drinks Dean's beer. Ellen, who took in this squirrelly country boy after he got kicked out of M.I.T. for "fighting" (i think it was probably self defense), and who is raising this kid like he's one of her own, watched this interaction and offers them a place to stay.

Ellen hands Dean an excuse to stay the night.

Somehow I get the feeling Ash doesn't have a lot of friends. And even fewer queer ones. Ellen is being a good adoptive mama to this young gay man who likely has no other family to turn to. The entire roadhouse is so gay. I love it, y'all. (Even the gun Ellen pulled on the boys was a really butch choice. Gender roles are something that happen to other people in the Harvelle's roadhouse.)

But Dean says no. He's not quite ready to come out yet. But he's so close.

And then Sam and Dean are back at the Impala. Dean's Baby. Having a heart to heart about Sam's feelings and grief over their dad. Grief that Dean is (at that particular moment) doing his best not to wallow in. I don't think it's a coincidence that Dean is considering exploring more of what life has to offer right after John died in suspicious enough circumstances that Dean can guess that some kind of deal was made, even if he doesn't know for sure yet.

SAM: I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all. (Tears in his eyes.) But neither are you. That much I know. (pause) I'll let you get back to work.

But Dean is listening to Sam here as someone who was just starting to think that maybe it's alright to be queer. Who was thinking that maybe the family he has left would accept him. Would understand that being a little different from who they thought was doesn't mean he's evil or predatory.

Dean goes back in the closet and hates himself.

They've been fighting killer clowns in funhouses and now he's hearing "You're not all right" as a sign to stay in the closet.

Because now's not the time. Or "it's not safe" or "think about your family" or how he "can't add one more thing for Sammy to deal with right now." or maybe it's just wrong.

So Dean takes a crowbar to the Impala.

Just last episode it was established that the state of that car reflects the state Dean's in as a person. So I think directly attacking his car like, destroying something he loves and cares about, counts as an indirect form of self harm.

So Dean beats himself the car up over it. The part of the car specifically made for carrying baggage around.

And stays in the closet.

Which finally brings me to the whole reason this meta demanded to be written. The episode title.

Everybody Loves a Clown by Gary Lewis & The Playboys.

It is a Dean/Ash anthem. Check out the lyrics and tell me this does not sound like Dean "Undiagnosed Adult ADHD, Internalized Homophobia, Closeted Bisexual" Winchester.

I don't know how to say that I love you 'Cause you would smile and say, "Tell a joke or two" Yes, I'm a clown but I don't wanna be Why can'tcha see the other side of me? Guess I'll be the guy who plays the part Of a clown with a broken heart Dreamin' of your love and not knowin' where to start

This is the episode that sold me on the idea Dean is Bi.

Originally I was going to write more about how Martin Creaser is also afraid of clowns and is so convinced that Benny must be predatory. But I think this meta has gotten too long already so I'll leave it here for now.

Dean/Ash took up too much space for me to get to Dean/Benny. But I think I made my case about the clown symbolism well enough without the Martin stuff.

[niche-pastiche]

More SPN Gun Meta: Apocalypse World Bobby

Fellas, is it gay to name a gun after a man? Yes. It is, actually. Boats are "she/her” pronouns. Cars are “she/her” pronouns. Gun’s are “she/her” pronouns. Because guy’s love them. And obviously anything a guy loves can’t be a dude or that’d be gay. I know. It’s ridiculous and I too want to roll my eyes about it but that’s just how it is. It’s such a thing that even women name their guns after women a lot of the time.

In WWI, the Howitzer was nicknamed Big Bertha. If someone’s going to personify a firearm, much like a vehicle, they’ll usually call it a woman.

Fellas, is it gay to name a gun after a close male friend of yours? 

Uh... yeah. It for sure is. If she’s a really special gun, you name her after your wife or your girlfriend. But not your hunting buddy. There is no amount of homophobic humor that can play that off.  But anyone who’s doing that isn’t even remotely trying to hide it, so it likely won’t even show up. 

Fellas, is it gay to name your most prized gun after a close male friend of yours who wore one earring and was almost certainly queer and is canonically “one of your better memories”?

Uh, yeah. Yeah it is, y’all. Kissing might be less gay, actually.

BOBBY: Well, I don't know. Ain't so bad here, if you like killing angels. SAM: And you do? BOBBY: It's my hobby and my passion. So...I figured, it's only a matter of time before the dicks upstairs get wind'a this. And when they show... me and Rufus go to work. He's loaded with a hundred rounds, cast from old angel blades.

All Along the Watchtower was written by Andrew Dabb. Dabb’s already shown he understands some important rituals surrounding guns in previous episodes he’s written. (I’ll get to that eventually I promise.) He had to have known what he was doing here.

There is no world in which a straight Bobby Singer who is just a good friend names that gun after Rufus Turner. Not when Bobby has a dead wife who’s name we actually know. If Bobby were straight, he’d have named it after his wife. Karen.

 But he named it Rufus. Not Karen. 

The only possible conclusion is that, at least in the apocalypse world, Bobby Singer is canonically bi. And loved Rufus. 

And naming that gun the way he did is a public acknowledgment of that.

That’s literally one of the first things we learn about Apocalypse World Bobby. He loved Rufus so much he named his gun after him. And I think that’s beautiful.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

SO I’m back to my recap frenzy and 11x18: Hells Angel is truly so so good.

This episode has much Casifer WHO I LOVE DEARLY; Mish has serious acting chops and you can’t tell me otherwise.  I could do a Casifer spinoff.  Maybe not on the CW.  HBO?

It also has the scene everyone reposts over and over, you know the one - the -

SAM

Dean's right. Priority is to put the Horn in Lucifer's hands and set him loose on Amara.

DEAN

After we exorcise Lucifer out of Cas and put him into a new vessel.

SAM

What? Really?

DEAN

Yes, really. We're not gonna send Lucifer into battle inside Cas. What if he doesn't make it?

SAM

Dean, it's a strong vessel. It's held Cas for years, and we know what he's been through. I'm guessing it can hold Lucifer.

DEAN

"It"? It's not an "it," Sam. It's Cas.

SAM

And Cas wanted to do this.

DEAN

Yeah, well, there's times I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask. That don't make it a good idea.

**Blooper reel for this season is quality for this line**

**PLUS Crowley reaction is not in the script here but I LOVE IT SO MUCH that I had to add it**

SAM

Dean, this is exactly how we screw ourselves. W-We make the... the heart choice instead of the smart choice.

DEAN

Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Cas is family.

SAM

Yes, and his choice deserves to be respected.

DEAN

Even if it kills him?

***I’m not going to reblog the gif because bet you’re looking at it on your dash RIGHT NOW.  That thing runs rampant all over this site. Even without Jensen’s visual acting choices, though the dialogue is important.  BIG growth for Dean’s relationship with Cas who came into this group as primarily a warrior, a weapon, and is now Dean’s “heart choice.”  Also, I acknowledge choices are important to Sam, and I appreciate his defending Cas’s choice (though I don’t necessarily agree with him, your choices are generally bad ones that end up messy, boys), but this is Sam’s way of making Cas as more than.  I know other interpretations put Sam as still seeing Cas as some alien thing, but I think he cares - that’s exactly why he is defending Cas’s choice to do this; because Dean has taken away so many of Sam’s out of his love for him (again - understandable - but I get what Sam is saying here).

TL; DR Season 11 really came here and said - 

This sequence is also really GOOD; Jensen excels at these nuances, and it ends in a performance I am certain Misha very much enjoyed giving:

That curl in Jensen’s upper lip deserves its own post.  Also, the DISGUST after the Casifer impression in the reaction shot (at Lucifer?  At himself?  At how BIG Misha’s mouth is right now? Who got the Zoom with him; can you ask?).  So good.  This scene gives me chills.  I rewatched a few times.

Crowley possesses Cas to try and get Lucifer out (a great parallel to the Sam/Gadreel possession a few seasons back). It’s also reminiscent of a future episode when Cas and Sam tried to free Dean from Michael.  Dean was in trapped in his head his happy place in that episode, running a bar, and that passivity was keeping him from ejecting Michael. Here, Crowley specifically says that Lucifer has too strong of a hold for Cas to eject him, so same scenario. If that tracks I guess this is Cas’s happy place?

So......Cas’s happy place is.... the bunker kitchen?

He DOES look pretty happy there.  Our baby in a trench coat.

Maybe he and Dean watch all those Western movies there together so they won’t bother Sam, idk.  I’ll flesh that out in my imagination for the HC later.  

CROWLEY

What's wrong with you? What has Lucifer done to you?

CASTIEL

Well, he mostly just leaves me alone. I'm just waiting here, you know, for the battle with the Darkness.

CROWLEY

He's really got his hooks in you. Snap out of it. Do you know what's happening out there? The Winchesters have trapped the abomination so that you can expel him so that they can put him back in the Cage...

CASTIEL

Well, that doesn't sound like a very good idea.

CROWLEY

In your current state, you're in no position to judge.

CASTIEL

Wait. That was Dean I saw a minute ago, wasn't it?

CROWLEY

Yes.

CASTIEL

And he wants me to expel Lucifer?

CROWLEY

Yes!

CASTIEL [laughing] 

Ha, ha, ha! Well... he may have a more objective view of the situation. Maybe I should.

***I love that Cas has to make up some silly explanation with a fake little laugh for doing something that he is literally doing just doing because Dean wants him to do it. Right, we believe you.

Anyway, Amara shows up, they don’t smite her as planned, and despite that whole “intense connection” Dean and she “share,” the single only word he says to her is -

And she - realizes - something?

Here is where the “Dean-Amara” connection really starts to fall apart (though TBH it wasn’t ever that strong to begin with; Amara is always more of a protector for Dean than a love interest [their kiss was cringe for me]).  I’ll do more with this when I pick it back up in the later episodes, but I wanted to drop it here to remind myself. 

Next up, how SPN writers use really disgusting monsters that are lame to actually put Destiel on the screen in different bodies without anyone noticing, also known as “I made myself watch Chitters again even though I marked it as a must-skip.”

If you got this far yet again, thank you so much for reading my stream of consciousness.  I mainly do this for my own amusement, but your likes/reblogs truly warm my heart <3

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I know that we are all clowning about the Altar of Dean Winchester today, and there’s a lot of Cas-centric discourse but LEST WE FORGET -  Rowena is specifically annoyed because of her son’s conduct.

And I will not have Drowley erasure in this space.

Going along with my season 12 rewatch, 12x15: Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell makes Many Points on this subject.  Come along for the ride below the cut.

The episode opens with the following:

SAM

Dean, you're covered in ghoul, man, and -- and -- and wraith. You… you have a piece of siren in your hair. 

[Dean pulls the bit of siren out of his hair and makes a disgusted noise and then laughing while examining it] 

DEAN

Gross. [he flicks the bit of siren across the room] 

SAM

***isn’t it weird that the opener focuses on how Dean is covered in bits of monsters and needs to shower...? aren’t they always hunting? why the hyperfixation on this particular gory detail in this particular episode?

Well, last time Sam told Dean to take a shower -

was after he had a Valentine’s Day fling in season 11.  Are we...aligning monsters and sexual trysts and Dean Winchester?

Of course we are!

DEAN

Computers. [ Chuckles ] Monsters, porn. Is there anything they can't do? All right. [ Hits tabletop ] Well, let's get to it, then. 

speaking of sexual, this is also the episode where Dean wears this particular tie:

*RAWR*

***Also, this is Dean’s reaction to specifically the idea of koalas and posies.

Anyway the MOTW is a rogue hellhound so...I guess we need Crowley idk

CROWLEY

What the hell do you want? 

DEAN

***PEACHES.  Dean Winchester, Nickname King.

[Dean rolls his eyes and mimes Crowley yammering on with his hand] 

CROWLEY

Painfully. [on the phone to Dean again] I’ll be right… 

[Crowley appears in Gwen’s living room] 

CROWLEY

here.

SAM

Mm. 

CROWLEY: 

You miss me? 

***Crowley literally appears immediately when Dean calls because of course he does.  

PARALLELS:

***I guess “I always come when you call” is a symptom of Winchester Derangement Syndrome.

It was completely Worth It to call Crowley, because he....knows the name of the rogue hell hound.  That’s all he knows though, because he can’t control her.  Only Lucifer can.  So it is VERY helpful they called Crowley, I guess, since now they can name the monster they’re hunting.  It’s more polite that way. 

Anyhow, he’s along for the ride now because

BONUS THEME ADJACENT CONTENT:

DEAN

Great. So we have a hellhound who's gunning for revenge, and it's personal. Ah. Just when I thought this gig couldn't get any weirder...

CROWLEY

Oh. It can always get weirder. 

***We’re really driving in monsters and their personal connections to humans this episode, eh??

NEXT UP: Supernatural THE Show gives us excellent Drowley in the woods banter.

specifically for NO REASON other than watching the King of Hell flirt with Dean Winchester while he is In These Glasses

Literally there is NO REASON for all of this footage.  Sam is the one who ends up killing the hellhound.  The only plot line Dean has in the MOTW episode is Sexy Walk in the Woods With Crowley (and his own personal monster connections).

It’s truly the most excellent of plot lines.  Really, anything else is just filler.

Crowley milks this Special Ex Boyfriend Time for all its worth:

DEAN

I mean it, Crowley. 

CROWLEY

I mean it, Crowley.

DEAN

Go to Hell.

CROWLEY

Go to Hell. Really, Dean, all these years, you're so predictable.

DEAN

Yeah, well, I guess we've all changed. I got predictable. You got soft. I mean, a few years ago, who'd have thought you'd be helping us save the girl of the week?

CROWLEY

I don't care about her. 

DEAN 

Yeah, well, maybe we rubbed off on you. 

***TRULY EXCELLENT CONTENT

Anyway, Crowley is now a moral support comfort character:

Winchester Derangement Syndrome diagnosed.

BONUS:

Please take a closer look at Lucifer who is being held as a prisoner by Crowley in this same episode.

Mark Pellegrino’s Lucifer tends to have flatter hair than this.  Look at it closely..

is that..

is that Demon!Dean hair

Remember, Crowley has a canonical history of changing his prisoners’ hair to suit his whims. It’s in Season 8.  Look it up.

Also, is that a Dean Winchester green overshirt

Oddly similar to the one Dean wears in the beginning of this episode, actually.

Like this from the back this 

could be Dean

I know we’re supposed to be distracted by the Walking Dead weapon cameo, but SERIOUSLY reach with me and observe Dean from the back in the opening scene:

DID CROWLEY DRESS SATAN UP IN A Dean Winchester COSTUME?

I know I might be crazy, buddies, due to my own case of WDS - but consider this -

I also might be right.

[niche-pastiche]

I’m the Supernatural fic writing partner of @wisteria-lodge​, you can find my work under NichePastiche over on AO3 . We’ve written for a variety of fandoms only some of which are linked here, and currently have fic in the works for even more.

Deep Space 9 Fic

First, Do No Harm (60k) - Doctor Bashir has been off-station for an entire month, and Garak would like to know why. And if he manages to enjoy himself or turn up more information about the fascinating doctor in the process, well. These things do happen. 

Superman/Batman Fic

Relationship Status (42k) - Bruce Wayne might be dating Superman. He certainly went on a date with Clark Kent, and now it turns out they're the same person. But while Bruce trusts Superman with his life, he's still getting to know this shy, mild-mannered Kansas boy. - Rebloggable Tumblr Post

Our Flag Means Death Fic

Season 1

Playing Pirate 15k - Stede thinks he hears a ghost in the auxiliary wardrobe and, like a good pirate captain, goes to investigate. It turns out to be Ed - which only raises more questions. And gives Stede a few interesting ideas.

A Lesson in "Sword" Fighting 7k - Stede overhears the crew playing Marry, Fuck, Kill. And now he's got some questions for Ed.

Holding Hands 46k - Steddyhands Stede and Ed are going to patch things up even stronger than before. But that still leaves Stede with the small, unresolved matter of what to do about Izzy...

Season 2

Ed and Stede's Inn That is Very Nice; and Good to Stay At; and Has Beds and Stuff - Izzy is dragged back to the land of the living through some highly suspect sea-magic. It's only a matter of time before he ruins everything, again. Problem is, Bonnet refuses to let him out of his sight and keeps insisting on very.... interesting sleeping arrangements. Bonnet is the most oblivious man who has ever fucking lived. Unless he's planning something. 

SPN Fic

Jimmyverse (Season 5 canon divergent Destiel + Jimmy triad):

Love Notes Written in Salt and Lipstick 130k - Dean, Cas, and his vessel Jimmy Novak navigate consent issues, work through their various traumas of Heaven, Hell and heteronormativity, and talk about their feelings in various states of undress.  -  Repbloggable Tumblr Post  

Hard Limits 50k -  Sam/Balthazar focused sequel to Edging set in an alternate season 7 - Rebloggable Tumblr Post

Soft Limits 99k -  Sam/Balthazar - Sequel to Hard Limits.  “Sam isn't sure if he should call Balthazar his boyfriend, sub, or sugardaddy. He doesn't have to figure that out now just so long as he calls him. Amelia Novak, Jimmy's ex-wife, has a mysterious angelic sigil crawling up her arm and Sam's out of his depth.But the fact it turns out to be an obscure sex curse suddenly makes the question of what exactly he and Balthazar are to each other more relevant than either of them were expecting.”

Rare Pair Oneshots:

 As Time Goes Bi  20k - Dean Winchester/Eliot Ness, Dean is comfortably Bi but also stranded in the 40s with a case of hero worship. Has a bit of a noir meets romance novel flavor. Dean’s got a crush and legs for days. Cas is also dead and Dean’s stressed and stuck in the past. So not his best day, but not his worst either. - Rebloggable Tumblr Post 

ABO with a twist

Freaky Angel Sex 101  21k - Michael has left the building, but unfortunately for Dean, he did some renovations on the way out. Now Dean has questions. The most important being what is going on with his ass and what does Ketch mean Dean’s ‘in heat’? - Rebloggable Tumblr Post

Nesting Habits of Domestic Winchesters - A followup to the previous fic that adds Benny into the mix. Rebloggable Tumblr Post

My notable Supernatural meta include: The SPN Gun Meta and the SPN Clown Meta

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

hello hello hello!  and welcome to Season 12 of Supernatural. 

I admit that initially I STRUGGLED WITH SEASON 12.  I LOATHED the British Men of Letters (other than Lady Antonia Bevell; her hot working mom energy can get it); I have...mixed feelings about Mary; overall it was not a stellar season for me the first go-round.  HOWEVER I shall now give it a second chance,  and look for the subtext within the bad (and if my theory tracks, there will be much subtext as...there is much bad).  Maybe I’ll even develop Ketch appreciation.  **ONWARDS ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, MY FRIENDS:

When we last left Dean, I neglected to mention that Amara brought his mom back (this is how much I repressed Mary Winchester I guess?)  We cut to Mary, confused, in a nightgown (I get this is part of the character and that’s why she is wearing it sO wE kNOw iTS rEAlLy MaRY WinCHEstEr because of her nightgown and not Sam Smith’s exquisite face, but honestly WHY - LIKE DID SHE WEAR THE DAMN THING IN HEAVEN THE ENTIRE TIME TOO?).

DEAN [breathing heavily] 

Mom. Listen to me. Your name – your name is Mary Sandra Campbell, okay? You were born December 5, 1954, to Samuel and Deanna Campbell. Your father, he bounced around a lot for, uh, work, and you bounced right along with him, and you ended up in Lawrence, Kansas.

MARY 

How do you know all that?

DEAN 

Dad told me. March 23, 1972, you walked out of a movie theater – Slaughterhouse-Five. You loved it, and you bumped into a big Marine and you knocked him flat on his ass. You were embarrassed, and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So, you went to, uh, Mulroney's and you talked and he was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song, so when he asked you for your number, you gave it to him, even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that – that you met –

MARY 

John Winchester.

DEAN 

August 19, 1975, you were married... in Reno. Your idea. A few years later, I came along, then Sammy.

***DEAN DESCRIBING EVERY DAMN DETAIL OF THIS HAS MURDERED ME.  Also, I know John Winchester “told him the story,” but something about this retelling - these are NOT John Winchester’s words (other than maybe “big Marine”).  The emotions, the feelings, the “you talked and he was cute” Dean is describing is Dean’s retelling, the version he created in his mind of this damn meet-cute, this little love story he played over and over in his head, and that makes me feel warm and tingly and also want to ingest sharp knives.  

***Everyone already knows about the damn Zeppelin reference but just in case you wanted to be tortured, please recall that later on we will get

THIS FUCKING SHIT

Nothing to see here other than Dean using a reference from this LOVE STORY on Cas.  I HATE it here in super hell.  Next rounds on you, Sam.

Anyway, Mary has caught on:

I paused here just now because I had a tHoUGHt.  This season is all about exploring Dean and Sam in their role as sons (this is discussed at the SDCC panel prior to the season; btw they are all free on Prime and I recommend watching before you start each new season for little “reveals” behind some of the plot lines).  We know Sam has no relationship to Mary really, he was a baby when she died, but Dean was a little boy - with a personality, character traits, identifying characteristics that his mother probably knew like the back of her hand.  That’s why my first run-in with Mary left a bad taste in mouth during this season - LIKE THIS IS YOUR KID, and there is NO inkling or recognition until THIS moment?  In a show that just spent an entire season exploring the “unexplained connection” between Dean and GODS SISTER, there no immediate “OH” from his own mother?!

But then I realized why she only connected at this very moment.  This particular moment - and not the moment where he lists the factual details about her before the story of the night she met John.  That little story with all those cute details - that’s the part of Dean that Mary knew before she died - when that part was ALL of Dean.  Before hunting, before John’s quest for revenge turned him into the person he is today, before he saw himself as a blunt little instrument.  That’s why initially Mary has no recognition that this is her son - because the Dean she knew was sensitive, and kind, and OPEN, and liked love stories, and laughing, and warm hugs and maybe flowers. Because if you think about it WE DONT KNOW THAT DEAN.  We only know Dean AMD. (After Mary’s Death).

*****************************************************************************************************

So maybe Mary represents Dean Before Mary’s Death, and whatever part of that Dean remains, no matter how deep he has been buried.  The part that connects with people; the part that doesn’t want to be alone.  The part that helped Amara.  The part that loves Cas.  And that’s why Amara brought her back.  

*****************************************************************************************************

Ok, if I think of it this way, I may like Mary a little better now.

BUT ALSO MY BABY:

Cut to Cas.

[THE MAN WALKS OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE CRATER MADE BY THE LANDING AND SEES CASTIEL PULLING HIMSELF OUT.]

MAN 

Holy mother.

[CASTIEL STANDS UP AND LOOKS AROUND]

CASTIEL 

Where am I?

MAN

Uh...Earth?

CASTIEL 

No. How far am I from Lebanon, Kansas?

MAN 

Uh... Th-three hours, maybe. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who – What are you, man?

[CASTIEL WALKS TOWARDS THE MAN AND TOUCHES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD. THE MAN DROPS TO THE GROUND. CASTIEL LEAVES HIM THERE AS HE DRIVES OFF IN THE TRUCK]

***I spy a Season 11 random parallel

And Cas says, “Earth - 

***Also, I often wonder if in his mind’s inner GPS, Cas bases distances on how far he is from Dean. 

In the meantime, Bad Things Are Happening to Sam.

***Toni Bevell, don’t join the British Men of Letters you’re so sexy hahah

Other than noting that this is yet another too oft- repeated Sam, the Victim, Always Gets Tortured scenario, I see no point in recapping these parts.

I will just continue to post Toni Bevell hotness for these portions of the episode. Ok?  Ok.  You’re welcome.

BACK TO THE BUNKER:

I already posted this sweet baby reunion in my final Season 11 analysis/recap, but lets see it again at another angle and from Mary’s perspective CAUSE CLEARLY she has...*thoughts*

Poor Cas had no idea he was about to MEET THE PARENT 

It melts my little heart that Dean uses Cas’s full name to introduce him to people.  Especially members of his family who are trying to kill him.

Anyway, then we get a much longed for gem of typical Cas deadpan:

(*I still miss Casifer a little bit though*)

And then we have 

A MOMENT OF CONNECTION!  

At the SDCC panel, Misha specifically noted that both Mary and Cas are outsiders, so this tracks. 

They head to the garage:

[Exhaling sharply, Mary walks towards Baby. She runs her hand lightly over the car.]

MARY This was John's car. Oh, she's still beautiful.

DEAN Hell, yeah, she is.

MARY Hi, sweetheart. Remember me?

[MARY LEANS DOWN AND LOOKS INTO THE CAR SMILING. SHE STARTS LOOKING AT THE FRONT SEAT BUT HER EYES AND HER THOUGHTS LINGER ON THE BACK SEAT. DEAN LEANS DOWN LOOKING AT THE INTERIOR OF THE CAR WITH PRIDE. DEAN LOOKS AT HIS MOM AND REALIZES SHE’S HAVING VERY SPECIFIC MEMORIES OF TIME IN THE BACK SEAT. DEAN LOOKS AROUND THE CAR, AND LOOKS AT HIS MOM.]

***this is where you truly see that Sam Smith is a genius because she took those directions and put them all into THIS:

And then THIS:

DEAN 

Oh…

[MARY LOOKS UP AT DEAN. DEAN REALIZES HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED IN THAT CAR, STANDS UP QUICKLY AND LOOKS OVER THE CAR. DEAN SWALLOWS HARD, AND GLANCES AT CASTIEL WHO GIVES HIM A QUIZZICAL LOOK.]

DEAN 

We should go.

***At this time I would like to remind everyone that Cas is also generally in the back seat of this car.  

MOVING ON

Meanwhile-

Back at the bunker, Cas is Continuing to Connect with his boyfriend’s mother:

[EXTERIOR DAY; INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS AND THE NOISE OF VIDEO GAMES ARE HEARD. THE CAMERA PANS TO MARY WHO’S WATCHING THE SCENE. CASTIEL IS PICKING UP COFFEE.]

CASTIEL 

Thank you.

[CASTIEL TAKES THE COFFEE TO MARY AND SITS DOWN.]

CASTIEL

This must be difficult for you. I remember my first moments on Earth. It was jarring.

MARY 

One word for it. I grew up with Hunters. I've heard of people coming back from the dead before. But to actually do it... after 30 years. A lot's changed.

[MARY LOOKS AROUND.]

MARY A lot.

Cas:

This is usually a look Reserved For Dean, so its interesting Cas is looking at Mary here [they also weirdly joked about Cas hitting on Mary at the SDCC panel and now I'm giggling because if Mary represents the soft part of Dean this all makes PERFECT SENSE).

BONUS

Actual footage of Sam in super hell

The Cas/Mary bonding worked BTW:

[INTERIOR: GREGORY IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS DESK WITH CASTIEL, DEAN, AND MARY STANDING BEFORE HIM.]

DEAN 

So, you dug the bullet out of his leg, no questions asked?

GREGORY 

She offered me 100 grand.

MARY 

And you took it?

GREGORY 

Student loans were a bitch, okay?

[ANGRILY CASTIEL STARTS TOWARDS GREGORY.]

DEAN 

Cas! Cas! Cas! Don't hurt him. Not yet.

**Disclosure: I do not accept the “Cass” spelling and take creative license to change it in the script whenever it appears**

GREGORY 

All right, look, she didn't give me her name. When we were done, the driver bailed, I got paid, and then some other chick shows up, and they all drive away.

MARY 

And that's everything you know?

GREGORY 

(insincerely) Yeah. Totally.

****Um, Mom that’s my boyfriend you don’t order him around like tha-

Oh, well, ok then.

***This is important, because Cas doesn’t obey anyone (other than Dean) blindly ever since he invented free will and all that.  Hence Dean’s surprised/impressed look to Mary above.  

Meanwhile:

I recall that I spent most of my first watch of Season 12 gushing over Toni Bevell, so I’m glad to know this won’t be changing.  You’ve been warned.

Next up, Sam is again sex tortured, Cas is a Helpful Boyfriend, and for some reason, Rick Springfield.  

[niche-pastiche]

John Winchester SPN Meta

I’m about to argue that John Winchester was suicidal so if that’s not a topic you can engage with safely please don't risk it.

TW: Suicide, grief, mental illness

The way I interpret John Winchester, his obsession with hunting YED is less of a quest and more of a coping mechanism. The same is true of his need to protect his boys, especially Sam. John Winchester seems to me like a man who is dangerously depressed and has been since his wife died and their house burnt down leaving him homeless and raising two young boys while living out of his car. Oh and also monsters are real. And all that while dealing with whatever he saw in Vietnam.

[Okay so this post got really long and it involves content that requires a trigger warning so I put the rest of it under the cut.]

John Winchester was raised by his mom from a young age after his dad, Henry Winchester, walked out on them with no explanation. He’s been the “man of the household” since he was a child. When describing John to a time traveling Dean, Mary says “He’s sweet, kind. Even after the war, after everything, he still believes in happily ever after, you know? He’s everything a hunter isn’t.”

And yet so often I see interpretations of the character that match a lot more closely with Samuel Campbell than anything we saw from John.  

Yes, John screwed up as a dad and his kids deserved better. But I’d argue he knows that too and just can’t let himself think about it. This is clearly a man holding on by the skin of his teeth. The two things that have kept him going all these years are the need to protect his kids and kill the thing that killed Mary. If he stops going for even one second, he’s afraid he’ll fall apart.

When he’s crashing on Missouri Mosely’s sofa at the tail end of 1x09 Home, the man clearly has some of the same mental health issues we’ll see from Dean in later seasons. (I’d argue Dean’s successful crossroads deal is symbolically similar to enlisting, with Hell functioning as a pretty good metaphor for war in the earlier seasons. But there’s also that self sacrificial death wish there. The later example with the Ma'lak box is more clearcut.)

This is the scene:

[CUT TO: INT. – MISSOURI’S HOUSE. MISSOURI comes inside and sets her purse on the table.]

MISSOURI: That boy…he has such powerful abilities. But why he couldn’t sense his own father, I have no idea. [The camera pans over to her couch, where JOHN WINCHESTER is sitting.]

JOHN: Mary’s spirit –- do you really think she saved the boys?

MISSOURI: I do. [JOHN nods sadly and twists his wedding ring on his finger.] John Winchester, I could just slap you. Why won’t you go talk to your children?

JOHN: [tearfully] I want to. You have no idea how much I wanna see ‘em. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I know the truth. [They share a look. The screen fades to black.]

I tried to make a list of all the moments in season 1 and the first episode of season 2 that show John is a suicide risk but I couldn’t because I ended up with literally every moment he’s on screen.

He literally begs Sam to shoot him at one point.

This man needs help and at any time he could have stopped this quest for revenge and reached out to Bobby and I’m sure Bobby would have helped him get some actual real help. But he doesn’t. And he hasn’t. Not since he tried to talk to his coworker at the garage about what happened to Mary.

I think he was afraid his kids would be taken away if he admitted to needing help.

And at the end of Season 1, his boys are on the way to get that help when the truck smashes into them.  (And like, if it had been a one season show I could accept that ending. A rusty nail after 15 seasons is a very different story.)

Okay so I’ve gotten a little off track but I’d like to return to a previous point of mine. I think the primary thing that keeps him going is telling himself that his boys still need him. I think that’s the real reason he freaks out so bad when Sam goes away to college. I think a lot of Dean’s problems were John’s problems first that Dean learned by example. But I certainly don’t think they were necessarily all intentional lessons.

Dean’s story is one of learning not to make the same mistakes his dad did. Up to and including trying to defeat the big bad by sacrificing himself.

John wronged his children by making that deal with Azazel. It leads to Dean making a crossroads deal and spending 40 years in hell, Sam getting locked in the cage with Lucifer and so much more suffering. Not to mention Sam had to find him like that. No, screw that. We’ll later learn that there are so many other ways of bringing people back there’s no reason he had to make a deal with Azazel. He could have taken the same crossroads deal as anyone else but John wanted to die and that makes him an asshole.

It’s not that John deserves to die because he’s a terrible father.

John is a terrible father because he believed he deserved to die and didn’t seek out the support he needed.

And I am so proud of Dean for not repeating John’s mistakes. He doesn’t buy into the idea that dying to the Djinn in What Never Was and Never Should Be is an acceptable outcome. He refuses to play his part in the apocalypse. He shows up on Lisa’s doorstep at the end of season 5 because he knows it’s too dangerous fro him to be alone after losing Sam. He kills Death and yeah sure now he has to face the Darkness but he’s alive and once he works through it Amara is actually really cool.

For all John’s failings, he managed to raise his kid to be better than he was but he’s still a f*cking asshole for not working through his own shit and for dying like that.

[niche-pastiche]

I see y’all and your angsty takes on this and that's valid I guess but also I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think the more likely scenario was a seventeen year old Dean Winchester begging his dad to let him hunt the “sexy lesbian ghost nuns”.

Dean is bad enough in season 1 at age 26. And this is a whole nine years before that.

But like, if being sad is something you enjoy by all means continue to have your fun. Do not let me deter you. Meanwhile, I’m going to have my fun dissecting this thing line by line and providing a happier alternative interpretation of things for those who are interested.

Fair warning, I tend to give John a more charitable reading than most of the fandom does and I attribute that to a variety of things including but not limited to marathoning the entire series in basically a spoiler free vacuum last year, completely insulated from popular fandom head canons. 

Which is how I ended up with my elaborate headcanon about John/Bobby that was doomed from the start because both men had too much internalized homophobia/biphobia to ever act on it in any meaningful way. Like, honestly I’m not sure if it’s less or more sad if they figured things out between them for a little while at the end there as John was hunting Azazel. But this isn’t about that.  This is about the entry in John’s journal for Dean’s seventeenth birthday that I’ve seen floating around on this site.

January 24: Dean turns seventeen today. We went shooting. Then I sent him on his first hunt. I’ve let him take the lead before, but I’ve always been there to back him up. This time he’s on his own. Partly it’s a test, and partly I wanted some time with Sammy. Should be no problem for Dean. Ghosts of two nuns haunting St. Stephen’s Indian Mission in Riverton, Wyoming. Simple salt-and-burn mission. Nuns in love with each other, then discovered. Killed themselves. We scoped the situation out, figured that something must be left behind that’s now a focus for the haunting. Bible, rosary beads, some small article that’s hidden somewhere in their room. I figured Dean would take care of it no problem, but I still stayed close with Sammy.

(The post got rather lengthy so I put my interpretation under the cut)

Going shooting with your dad is an important cultural touchstone for some folks. It’s a bonding activity Dean and John would probably have done for fun since Dean was maybe 7 years old even in a world without monsters. If there were no monsters, John would probably have started him on a BB gun shooting cans in the backyard and then worked his way up from there.

(My dad gave me a BB Gun for Christmas when I was like what 9? Anyway, I didn’t want anything to do with it but it’s a tradition that some folks insist on regardless of the gender of the kid or the kid’s enthusiasm for it. But like, we know Dean likes guns so I feel like going shooting with his dad has always been fun thing for him.)

John is writing in his journal. So this isn’t writing meant for anyone other than himself or possibly his kids someday. So there’s no need to explain the context for this stuff because they’re all a part of that same culture. So when John says 

“Dean turns seventeen today. We went shooting.” what he’s really saying is:

My boy is growing up fast. But he’s still the same kid.

“Then I sent him on his first hunt. I’ve let him take the lead before but I’ve always been there to back him up.”

He doesn’t need me nearly as much anymore. I still worry because I’m his dad, but I know he can handle it. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather be there to make sure, but I can’t always be there. Eventually I just have to trust him. 

“Partly it’s a test, and partly I wanted some time with Sammy.”

If Dean can handle this then I’ll know he doesn’t need me anymore. Sammy still needs me but he’s growing up too and it won’t be long before Sammy doesn’t need me either. 

“Should be no problem for Dean. Ghosts of two nuns haunting St. Stephen’s Indian Mission in Riverton, Wyoming. Simple salt-and-burn mission.”

I’m not sending my son to his death. He will be safe. He will be fine. I will keep telling myself that until he comes back from this and he’s never going to know just how worried I am right now.

“Nuns in love with each other, then discovered. Killed themselves.”

They’re harmless and I’ve got no reason to think they’ll have it out for Dean specifically. He should be totally safe. 

(note: If the goal were to communicate that John was a homophobe this is not the way to do it. This sounds almost sympathetic and sad. Especially in the context of John Winchester who is on a quest to avenge the woman he loved even or maybe especially if it kills him. If the goal was to have him seem homophobic, he wouldn’t have said the nuns were “in love”. He’d have called them “lesbians” and said it like a dirty word. Or possibly he would have focused on the sex aspect of it. Like, trust me. I grew up with casual homophobia and this is not what it sounds like. Especially not when written down somewhere not intended to be read by anybody who couldn't know about those homophobic views.)

“We scoped the situation out, figured that something must be left behind that’s now a focus for the haunting. Bible, rosary beads, some small article that’s hidden somewhere in their room. I figured Dean would take care of it no problem, but I still stayed close with Sammy.”

I’ve taken every precaution I can think of. I know Dean knows what he’s doing. He’ll be fine. 

But if he’s not, he knows he can shout for help and I’ll be there in an instant.

Anyway, that’s my take on it. It strikes me as more of the I-must-provide-for-my-family-and-the-only-reason-I’m-not-out-hunting-what-killed-Mary-right-this-instant-is-because-my-kids-still-need-me kind of unhealthiness. 

Not the homophobic kind.

And this is kind of off topic, but I think it’s really cute that despite Dean’s clear enthusiasm for hunting ghosts from a young age, Bobby mentions in 7x09 that he never could get either of the boys interested in hunting deer with him. 

It was unexpected and weirdly adorable.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Okay, I have searched high and wide and do not see that this has yet been done, so I present to you - my analysis of the parallels between Destiel and Cas/Claire in Season 10, Ep .20 - Angel Heart.  TL;DR: Claire/Cas are a metaphor for Destiel and Destiel is forever.

As a reminder - central storyline is Cas finding Claire who lands in the hospital while looking for her mom and looping Dean/Sam to help him try to connect with her (and eventually all of them get roped into searching for and then finding her mom who then almost immediately dies, because Supernatural gonna Supernatural).  Dean still has the Mark of Cain with no cure in sight, and the side conflict is Cas and Sam’s concerns re: the effects because he is “getting worse” (many worried looks are exchanged!).  Also important to recall that in 10.09 during the burger date of my HC dreams, Dean asked Cas to kill him if he ever goes dark side again from the Mark.  SO - THE REAL STORY OF ANGEL HEART FOR ME IS how Cas’s feelings towards Claire present a mirror for his emotions towards Dean, and the inner conflict between allowing Dean to push him away (with Dean’s request that Cas kill him from 10.09 hanging over his head) or continuing to fight to be there for him/save him - as presented in the two separate one-on-one conversations/BM scenes between Cas and Dean - and then later Cas and Sam - in the Impala.

I’ve included them in their entirety from the script below, with emphasis on what I feel is important and my thoughts.

Conversation 1 - Cas/Dean 

DEAN

Hey, Cas, listen, what you're doing for Claire and helping her find her mom...

It's good. It's a good thing.

CASTIEL

But?

DEAN

Well, where does it end? I'm not trying to be a dick, but truth is, you're not her dad.

In fact, you're not anything to her except a-a constant reminder of someone that's gone.

CASTIEL

No, I'm...

Responsible for everything that's happened to her.

DEAN

Look, I'm just saying, she's been surviving on her own for quite a while now, and ... and then partly because she doesn't have anybody to answer to.

You know, there's... There's nobody holding her back.

CASTIEL

We just found her in a hospital. You telling me that she'd be better off on her own?

DEAN

I'm saying she might be stronger on her own. ANALYSIS: Dean and Claire have always been very similar people to me (which is why I think they initially clash so much). This is very reinforced both in 10.09 (ketchup is a vegetable!) and in the part of this episode where Dean ends up “babysitting” Claire (a moment of silence for yet another scene of Dean actually being amazing with kids and how he should have gotten his own kids dammit). I think Dean is speaking about himself in part in this discourse, relating his own journey to Claire’s (and in true Dean fashion, falling into his usual habit of pushing away those who love him because at this point he knows the end is near).  The “you’re not anything to her” is pretty blunt, even for Dean, especially after his taking special care to sit Cas down to spill his feelings re: Claire during the burger date in 10.09.  I also took the “constant reminder of someone that’s gone” as Dean’s motivation for pushing people away; he’s trying to ease their pain (not his because Dean does not care about himself at all whatsoever as we all know) upon what he thinks will inevitably be his death from the Mark.  The comment can also be related to his request that Cas kill him if he goes too far down the wrong path, and Cas’s presence is a constant reminder of that for Dean, of how not only is he going to go crazy and lose him but he also is putting him through the burden of ending his life. (Oh, and Dean is the King of Constant Reminders of Someone That’s Gone because see multiple trench coats in Baby’s trunk). Cas’s feelings of responsibility towards Claire also parallel his feelings about Dean - he resurrected him, and he has always felt responsible for the burdens Dean carried after that fact;  (even if they weren’t directly tied to Cas) he has always felt like he burdens Dean (see the iconic 6.20 - The Man Who Would Be King).  Cas’s protectiveness and urge to connect with Claire for me is a direct mirror of not only his trying to save Dean from the Mark without having to carry out his request to kill him, but also his desire to emotionally connect with him while Dean is clearly in a headspace of shoving everyone out.  These are all pretty gray parallels.  The next conversation though for me is fairly black and white.

Conversation 2 - Cas/Sam

CASTIEL

When this is over, should I... Should I leave Claire alone?

SAM

What? No, man. She's family. Well, I mean, she's not exactly family, but she's close enough. I mean, you two have history. Simple as that.

CASTIEL

So do you think she's better off on her own?

SAM

Cas, she just turned 18.

CASTIEL

You were alone when you left for college at that age, weren't you?

SAM

Yeah, but that's different.

CASTIEL

How, Sam?

SAM 

Here's all I know ... going it alone, that's no way to live. You being there for her, even if she thinks she doesn't want you to be there for her, that's good for both of you.

CASTIEL

Maybe, in the end.

SAM

In the end. ANALYSIS: This is so clearly about Dean and not Claire to me.  There is no way Cas thinks Claire is better on her own in any capacity.  It doesn’t track with anything he said to Dean earlier, and it doesn’t track with any of his actions in the scenes in between these conversations (he got her a damn birthday gift for Jack’s sake if that’s not the opposite of leaving someone alone and not trying to be their family idk what is).  If Dean didn’t change Cas’s mind on this, I have BIG DOUBTS that Sam would have anything to say that would so why would Cas even ask him?  Also, the entire thread with Sam/Cas at this point in the season is focused on their mutual worry about Dean.  Why is Cas randomly talking to Sam about Claire? And - what history does Cas have with Claire?  Yes, they have had some prior interactions but can you really call that history? Dean himself mentions in 10.09 that Cas has only met her once before that episode.  But there is someone else, someone who is “not exactly family” who recently expressed that it’s better off to be alone, who DOES have significant history with Cas, and that someone is also someone Sam has pretty good insight on.  In fact, Cas is basically parroting what Dean said to him in conversation 1 back to Sam in conversation 2, and to me it’s not because he is concerned about Claire because he has already decided he’s going to watch out for her.  The only path left undecided is Dean - and whether he allows him to push him out or continues to be there, because it is good for them both.  The “in the end” clinches it - because what is Claire’s “end”?  She’s young; she’s not going anywhere anytime soon even if she makes a few bad decisions (and Cas is an angel at this point; that protection is pretty mighty).  Dean, however, has an end quickly approaching because of the Mark, and it’s an end Cas cannot control or manipulate.  So, in conclusion, Angel Heart shows that Claire is a mirror for Dean in her mannerisms, life events, personality, and place in Cas’s heart (which is the only explanation that fits for the title of this episode, which is the same as a very disturbing 70s horror movie and that clearly does not track).

Also, let’s not forget that Claire is canonically queer, loses her soulmate/first love to an alternate reality/world until Jack saves her from it and they are reunited.  So, there’s that aka the finale we all deserved. 

**if you read this far, bless you, truly for reading my nonsense ;) Feel free to comment and reblog, or message with me.  I could overanalyze Supernatural forever here if you’ll let me.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

hey buddies -

just sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee thinking about Supernatural, and fathers and anger, and angels and love.  

yeah.  it’s Saturday, I guess.

my eagworms are back, so come think with me after the cut!!

so I'm thinking about how that terrible man Randy who manipulated Claire Novak, a narrative mirror for Dean Winchester, in SPN 10x09: The Things We Left Behind was a narrative mirror for J*hn Eric Winchester, the terrible man who manipulated Dean Winchester for the entirety of his childhood and young adult life

and all Cas wanted to do was make Claire see that Randy was just using her, and she was better than that because he fucking loved her

also thinking about how Dean Winchester was the one who killed Randy

thinking about how it wasn’t as much the Mark of Cain as it was his repressed feelings about his abusive damn father that he’s never dealt with (because he thought he deserved it), and he reacted in a murderous fucking rage because of that, because he saw J*hn in Randy and himself in Claire -

now thinking about the Mark of Cain and Dean’s tendency towards anger, stemming directly from his childhood with J*hn Eric Winchester, thinking about how J*hn used him as a weapon, how J*hn’s entire purpose after Mary’s death was his quest for vengeance, how Dean had to protect Sam from him over and over, despite his father mentally pitting them against each other constantly and manipulating them

ex: 1x22:Dead Man’s Blood

thinking about Cain who took on the Mark of Cain to save his brother Abel, to protect his brother Abel and send him to heaven,  despite it turning Cain into a killer and demon -

thinking about how that story was manipulated through time and turned into a story of Cain killing Abel instead

thinking about how Cain and Abel were Dean and Sam’s ancestors - 

(all hail King Matt Cohen)

how Cain became the father of murder

thinking about how Cain was the son of Adam

thinking about how when we meet Adam, Cain’s father, in 15x17:Unity,  he says all this about Chuck/God:

ADAM

God's "first story," yeah. Jumped through every hoop, talked to every snake. When he kicked us out of paradise, Eve and me, we figured, eh, we deserved it. Then he moved on... to our sons.

...

JACK

You hate him.

ADAM

Oh, no. I've been wanting this for going on 300,000 years. Took me that long to figure out how to do it, too.

JACK

Wait-- killing God is your plan?

**now thinking about Adam’s 300,000 year quest for vengeance on Chuck. but how Adam doesn’t hate Chuck. how there’s no rage in Adam. thinking about why.

NOW THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCIFER WAS THE FIRST BEARER OF THE MARK OF CAIN

HOW CHUCK TOLD LUCIFER HE WAS HIS FAVORITE 

AND THE MARK WAS GIVEN TO HIM BY HIS FATHER WHO USED HIM AS A WEAPON TO IMPRISON AMARA

AND THEN LOCKED HIM UP IN A CAGE WHEN THE MARK CORRUPTED HIM,

MANIPULATING THE STORY SO EVERYONE BELIEVED LUCIFER WAS JUST EVIL 

11x18: Hells Angel

CAS!IFER [smirking]:

It's marketing. He's creating a need in the consumer's mind. Can't be a Super Savior if you don't have a Super Villain.

 ***

thinking about how Lucifer didn’t want to fight Michael in 5x22: Swan Song

LUCIFER/SAM

So why? And why make us fight? I just can't figure out the point. MICHAEL/ADAM

What's your point? LUCIFER/SAM

We're going to kill each other. And for what? One of Dad's tests. And we don't even know the answer. We're brothers. Let's just walk off the chessboard. MICHAEL/ADAM

I'm sorry. I-I can't do that. I'm a good son, and I have my orders. 

***thinking about how Chuck manipulated the two brothers into fighting each other

***DAMMIT NOW THINKING ABOUT AU!MICHAEL AND HOW HE SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF SEASON 14 ASKING THIS QUESTION:

“What do you want?”

***thinking about how angels aren’t supposed to understand how to feel, how to love.  So Lucifer and Michael didn’t understand how to feel, how to love. 

***NOW thinking about how Adam wasn’t vengeful despite wanting to kill Chuck for 300,000 years.  thinking about how Adam had an angel lover named Serafina that entire time. 

JACK (to Dean)

She's an angel.

ADAM

Yeah, she's my old lady. She's the only one who could put up with me all these years, huh?

***REALLY thinking now about how Adam had an angel lover who kept him from going vengeful and murderous, and they just lived happily in love for 300,000 casually plotting to kill God as a side hobby***

NOW thinking about how Cain stopped killing when he met Collette (I won’t go into how she was basically Cain’s angel lover and the Cas/Collette parallel because you should know it by now, and there’s plenty of material out there if you don’t)

****thinking about how our crack-in-his-chassis angel Cas loved Dean. he wasn’t supposed to love, but he did anyway.

how he kept Dean sane for years and years like Seraphina kept Adam sane, how he was Dean’s Collette, how he helped cure him when he was a Demon, how he was the only reason This Dean and This Sam didn’t kill each other in this particular one of Chuck’s worlds, how he pulled Michael out of Dean when Michael eradicated all of Dean’s hope and trapped him -

thinking about how Dean showed Cas how to love because Dean Is Love.

thinking about how Cas loved.

thinking about how his actual confession of love led to this:

Just like Seraphina’s love kept Adam from vengeance, how Collette’s love kept Cain from murder.

THINKING ABOUT how Lucifer didn’t know how to love.  how he wanted to take Jack because he was his son.  how he wanted to be a dad.  how he wanted love.

thinking about Mi!Dam. 

thinking about specifically about “Since when do we get what we deserve?”

thinking about how the Lucifer/Michael fight happened ONLY AFTER CHUCK DISAPPEARED EVERYONE, INCLUDING ADAM - 

thinking about how it was only then that Lucifer and Michael carried  out the story charted for them by their abusive father - because they didn’t have love, Lucifer never having it to begin with and Michael no longer having Adam, the closest thing he would have had to love.  

so yeah, just thinking about that. 

Supernatural Is A Show.  A Show About Love. 

(and daddy issues)

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

the eras discourse is truly giving me whiplash because like Season 8 IS! THE! SEASON! it’s purgatory and its deanbenny and its every parallel despite Amelia being dry and boring its seeing your dirty lover on the street and in the mirror and everywhere as you mourn his potential death and its those GRITTY shots and its it was pure and its HUNTER HEROICI and cas on the bed and dean saying TALK TO ME and I didnt leave you and the fucking hellhound glasses and then same era gave us Collette and Cas parallels in 9 and look at me I'm poison and then you would kill the angel Castiel I expect that would hurt something awful and Demon!Dean and Drowley’s summer of love and that ONE SCENE of jackles and the knife against his throat plus I am also a Casifer truther im sorry I love him that’s peak Misha insanity for me and how the fck did they get Mark Sheppard to lick the FLOOR god the disrespect but also GOD I can’t even think about how Dean spent half of season 11 just trying TO GET CAS BACK thats like what every episode is about in 11 other than chitters which is about Dean and Cas falling in love and retiring in New Mexico AND THEN AND THEN when Dean does get Cas back he does that stupid car speech about how he’s a brother to him bc that is the ONLY KIND OF LOVE HE HAS EVER KNOWN AND HE DOESNT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY HE LOVES HIM and Cas dies inside and then Dean has to go be a bomb and for my ashes I like it here but then SURPRISE he fixes everything by acting like a therapist to God and his Sister despite never setting one foot in therapy himself and Toni Bevell shows up, is hot, and shoots Sam in the foot but -

......

- but also I liked swan song mainly because of the little voice over about the stupid car.

[also we do not discuss That Episode With Charlie from the Carver Era.  Or Cole.  They do not exist.]

[niche-pastiche]

Chuck is such an interesting character who I really enjoy (note I didn’t say like or approve of. Dude’s got problems. Don’t like him. Would not be his friend.).

Because on the one hand, he’s this smol anxious bean who just wants to be liked. And honestly I don’t think that’s a total fabrication. I think on some level, he really is this pathetic lonely man who watches the world but is too frightened to go out and live in it. 

The problem, and the thing that makes him a villain, is that he is also incredibly powerful with absolutely no one to hold him accountable. Not even a peer. He’s locked Amara away, leaving no checks on his power. And he views any attempt at autonomy from his children (angels or humanity. Take your pick)

And I think this idea for how quickly Chuck could become threatening has been there since the beginning in the little ways they’d do things like cut to a weirdly menacing close up on his eyes while he’s talking. 

Anyway, this whole post is just me saying that It think it’s really cool how Chuck as the big bad for season 15 feels like it was being set up at least as far back as 5x09 The Real Ghost Busters. And at the end of that episode, we have Becky stepping in and doing something he didn’t expect because she loves the story and payed attention to it.

And whether it was actually being set up or not isn’t the point. The point is they managed to put the show together in a way where it feels like it was.