#n other times i just. really lack the energy. idk there's so much to write n in so many aspects.. just so many left unfinished.

[nereidprinc3ss]

do you believe me now? | 3

in which spencer reid spends a rainy day teaching inexperienced fem!reader how to touch him. of course, her efforts don't go unrecognized, much less unrewarded

part one | part two

18+ (smut) warnings: inexperienced reader, softdom!spencer, sub reader, oral m receiving, reader swallows lol, a truly sickening amount of praise, like really, you JOKINGLY refer to each other as dirty sluts, r has longish hair, spit mentioned once, thigh riding (moans loudly), its filthy idk what to tell you, i feel like i've crossed the desert on foot i don't even know what else is in here, your honor they're in love, i take you to dinner first, this part is stupidly long a/n: had a fucking field day the three separate times i had to rewrite this el oh el... but think i like how it turned out?! anyway, if u like this PLS lmk bc writing it took a small piece of my soul, and yes there will be a part four!! take care of yourselves!! i love you!!!

You give Spencer half a minute or so before knocking on his door for a second time. 

It’s miserable outside, and though the hallway you’re standing in now isn’t terribly cold, you’d much prefer to be in Spencer’s apartment, where it will be the same toasty 68.5 degrees as always. Not that the heating will magically dry you. And not that you’ll be there for long, if the date you’d scheduled last week goes on as planned. 

You’re getting worried, about to knock for a third time when the locks finally click and the door opens to reveal a disheveled Spencer Reid—not at all looking ready for a date. You take in his ensemble; blue checked pajama pants, FBI Academy crewneck, the usual questionably paired socks. He’s rubbing his droopy eyes, which slowly widen as he notices your attire. 

“Shit, I’m sorry, our date! I mean—you look really nice. I look… like this. Why don’t you come in while I get ready to go?”

He holds the door open a little wider and you step through, relishing in the familiar warmth as you pull your hood down and excess water droplets spatter on the ground. 

“When did you get in?” you ask, hanging your raincoat up on a hook. You know he’d wrapped up a case yesterday evening, but you’d gone to sleep before the team left Cincinnati. 

Spencer pauses in the middle of the room, staring at the antique flooring like he forgot what he was doing. 

“Uh… four hours ago.”

“Wh—four hours? Spencer, you must be exhausted.”

He laughs awkwardly, running a tired hand over his face. 

“I mean… I’ve definitely felt better.”

You kick your soaked shoes off and cross the room until you’re toe to toe with him. Immediately his hands settle on your waist and yours find his arms. His eyes are kind, and he’s clearly pleased by your presence despite his lack of energy. 

“The weather’s terrible, anyway. Let’s just go out another day.”

His features have softened and you can see how tired he truly is—not just in his bleary eyes, but the way his fingers grasp weakly to you, the way his head bows slightly. It seems bone-deep. 

“But I haven’t seen you in a week. I don’t want you to go home.”

Your lips twist. A clap of thunder rolls in the distance and the rain starts coming down even harder against the windowpanes. 

“We could hang out here. We can take a nap!”

Spencer sighs—half resignation, half disappointment. 

“But we made such good plans,” he laments. 

You kiss his cheek. 

“Plans that can be rescheduled. The bookstore will still be there next weekend.”

It takes him a moment to settle into the idea, but you watch the exhaustion win. 

“Okay. But no nap. I want to be awake for you. Coffee?”

You nod enthusiastically, beaming at the prospect of getting to spend the day doing nothing with him. Spencer mirrors your grin, before pressing a kiss to your head.

“You’re so cute.” Heat creeps into your cheeks and you can’t think of a satisfactory reply, but in the end you don’t need to, as he tugs gently on your hands. “C’mon. Tell me what mug you want.”

The kitchen counter bites into your palms as you lean with your back to it, watching Spencer putter all around the kitchen as he works on the coffee. It makes you tired just to watch. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a nap? Caffeine isn’t a substitute for sleep, you know.”

“I do know,” he agrees, measuring coffee grounds. “But other than last night, I actually slept fairly well this week.”

“You seem exhausted.”

“I… am tired in lots of ways. Not all of which can be resolved with more sleep.” he admits.

Your heart drops ever so slightly at the way his voice weakens as he looks through the fridge. Sometimes you remember there are still things you don’t know about him—sides you haven’t met. His work side is one of them, and it more than a little intimidates you.

“Bad case?” you ask, voice quiet and crackling with nervous energy. 

Spencer nods, approaching and setting a carton of milk on the counter behind you—caging you in with his arms in the process. It’s hard to find the words when he’s this close, but you manage to stumble through them. 

“Do… do you wanna talk about it?”

Spencer hums, tilting his head before gently saying, “not right now. But thank you for offering, lovely.”

“Okay, well—if you change your mind… if there’s anything I can do to make you feel better…”

Finally he stops with the teasing—the unabashed staring at your lips, the faux-attentive nods—and drops his head to your level to kiss you properly. It’s obviously an attempt to get you to shut up, you’re not dumb enough so as to miss that—but you don’t really care why he’s doing it so long as he does it at all. 

“I feel pretty great right now, actually,” he murmurs against your lips, a hint of a smile coloring his words. “Do you want sugar in yours?”

“Um…”

Your eyes dart helplessly between his as he pulls away and you struggle to un-fluster yourself enough to answer his simple question. Spencer seems to delight in this. The longer it takes you, the bigger his perfect smile gets. 

“You took too long. You’re getting sugar.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” you plead later on the couch, for the third or fourth time, setting your mostly-empty mug on the coffee table. 

His eyebrows raise. 

“I’m sure, honey.”

“But I want to help,” you pout, pulling your knees into your chest. Spencer regards you for a moment from the other end of the couch, before beckoning you closer wordlessly. 

“You are helping,” he assures you, gently grabbing your wrist as you crawl into his lap. He rubs soothing circles into the delicate skin with his thumb. “You being here and being you is plenty.”

It’s the closest you’ve been to him since before he left, and while you’ve all but given up on asking him to sleep with you, it doesn’t mean you don’t think about it multiple times per day. It’s especially difficult to keep your thoughts PG when you haven’t seen him in a week, and his hair is all messy, and he’s got his pajamas on, and you’re in his lap, and he’s looking at you like that. 

“What are you thinking about?” Spencer murmurs, likely concerned by your lack of response and the glazed-over look in your eyes. You reanimate, averting your gaze to the spot on your thigh he’s now rubbing absentmindedly. 

“Nothing. I just missed you.”

“I missed you a lot, too.” You don’t even have to look up to know that his brows have twisted into a pleasant sort of bemusement, like you are a particularly complex puzzle—you can hear it as he continues speaking. “I’m still not used to having something external take up so much of my attention while I’m trying to do my job. I’ve never had that before. Not something good, anyway. It’s like every time I leave, I’m thinking about you more than the time before. And I was already thinking about you a lot.”

The corner of your mouth twitches as he rambles. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, really,” he chuckles. “You prove to be incredibly distracting even when you’re hundreds of miles away. Do you know how many nights I almost called you before realizing it was one in the morning?”

A slow smile spreads over your face. 

“Oh? Whatever could you have been calling about at one in the morning?”

You’re teasing him, and it works. He blushes adorably. 

“Um… probably exactly what you’d expect. In hindsight I think it’s best that I refrained.”

“What?” You grin, incredulous, forgetting your shyness and leaning closer. “You totally should’ve. I’ve never had phone sex before. I would’ve done it.”

“No, you wouldn’t!” Spencer laughs. “It would have just been me talking to myself with you on the other line. I don’t think phone sex is really up your alley.”

“Shut up,” you laugh as your lips meet. He smiles into the kiss. Before you get too lost in it, you pull away, leaning back when he tries to follow you. “I think you’re over-complicating it. It’s just dirty talk, right? I can totally do that. It’s just, like… blah blah blah, dirty slut, something something…”

You trail off as he gives you a look. Poker faced—aside from the slightly narrowed eyes sparkling with humor. 

“You want me to refer to you as a dirty slut?”

Maintaining eye contact is an uphill battle—you crack in a matter of seconds, resting your forehead against his and closing your eyes stubbornly. 

“No. For all you know I want to call you a dirty slut.”

It’s a ridiculous, but he recognizes the bravado for what it is, still smiling slightly as he rubs your hips. 

“Right. I apologize for assuming. But just for future reference, I don’t want to be called that, and I don’t think I’d be comfortable calling you that, either.”

“But you can call me other stuff,” you remind your boyfriend, pulling back and still not looking at him. 

“Yeah? Like what?”

And just like that, you’re shy again. 

“I don’t know… nice things. I like when you’re nice.”

“I like being nice to you.” It’s so sincere-sounding that you meet his gaze, examining his face. His eyes are clear and soft on you, the only source of warm light on such a grey day, as his hands keep running slow lines over your sides. “Kiss?”

And how could you ever deny him anything? 

As has happened before, the kiss starts out innocent enough. And it’s not that it gets particularly heated, or anything—it’s just that it doesn’t end, and after a few moments your mouth slips open and so does his and that’swhat gets both of you worked up over a period of minutes. Pressure and heat that you’re becoming accustomed to build between your legs, and you don’t even notice that you’ve begun rocking back and forth in his lap until Spencer is attempting to still your hips with patient but assertive hands. 

“Honey, that’s—slow down, sweetheart.”

Finally he gets a grip on you and you realize as soon as you stop moving that there had been friction occurring—and you’re pretty damn sure you know what you were grinding against. 

Your whole body feels hot with arousal and embarrassment. 

“Oh my god—I’m sorry,” you mumble, moving your hands from his shoulders to cover your face. “That was an accident, I—”

“It’s fine,” Spencer assures you, squeezing your waist gently. “I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing because I know we haven’t… gotten there, yet.”

A moment passes—your hands fall to the FBI stitching across his chest, studying the letters without really seeing them. You haven’t gotten there yet… but why not? Why haven’t you touched him, or even seen him? You think back to the few times he’s touched you and realize that you had been too busy with either your own insecurities or pleasure to genuinely consider how it might be affecting him. He says your name gently, drawing your attention. 

“You okay?”

You nod haltingly, brow furrowed as you think. 

“I—yeah. I was just realizing that I haven’t, like… touched you, yet.”

It’s silent for another long second, and you glance up, to where he’s studying you with a dissonant kind of relaxed scrutiny—a knowing confidence that probably comes with a lot more experience than you have. 

“Do you want to?”

Woah. 

Usually you have to beg on hands and knees and prepare a slideshow presentation before he agrees to doing anything sexual in nature. He’s never so overtly invited or initiated it before. Not that you’re complaining by any stretch of the imagination.  

You nod shyly, still fiddling with the fabric of his shirt. 

“If you want to, I can show you how. But it’s also absolutely okay if you don’t.”

Show you how? 

Your brain is melting into sludge at the idea. 

“I do,” you admit, meeting his gaze again. It’s kind, and you know he really wouldn’t be upset if you said no—but now that you’ve thought about it, you feel deeply compelled to try. 

“Okay. Come here, first.” You lean forward expectantly, eyes fluttering shut as his hand finds the back of your neck and he pulls you into another soft kiss. By the time your lips separate again, your head is spinning. “We’re just trying something, okay? You’re allowed to stop whenever you feel like it. Really low stakes. Got it?”

You nod, still close enough that your noses brush as you do. 

“Got it.”

He presses one more chaste kiss to your lips before pulling away and leaning back into the couch. 

“Scoot back a little, angel.”

Wordlessly you do so, heart pounding with nervous excitement as he lifts his hips and slides his pajama pants down just enough to where he can comfortably pull himself out, and—

Your breath catches. 

Now, you may be about as virginal as they come, but you weren’t born yesterday. You’ve seen porn, you’ve received unsolicited nudes—it is the 21st century. Yet never before have you thought to yourself; wow, that dick is the pinnacle of beauty. Perfect. Breathtaking. But there’s just no other way to describe him. 

So that’s what hits you first—how unexpectedly pretty it is. 

The size sinks in a quick second later. 

You can’t tell with perfect accuracy how many inches he is, but you’re pretty damn sure he’s big. That’s meant to fit inside of you?

No, no—that’s a consideration for another day. Right now you need to stop staring like an idiot. You glance up at his face, and he’s sporting a cocky little half-smile which lets you know you’ve been caught. Motherfucker he’s so hot. It’s unnerving. 

“Do you have something you’d like to say?” he asks politely, quite obviously containing his amusement. But you can’t summon a sufficiently sarcastic response. 

Your voice comes so soft when you reply, “you’re pretty.”

Spencer melts, eyes impossibly softening. 

“Pretty?” His smile is earnest now. He strokes your cheek and you can’t not lean into his touch. 

“Mhm. I want to, um…” your lips twist to the side as you look back down, finding he’s not gotten less intimidating since you last checked. “But what if I’m bad at it?” you whisper. He chuckles, brushing hair over your shoulder.  

“It’s kind of a hard thing to be bad at. And I’m gonna help you, okay?”

It’s the honesty with which he speaks to you that makes you feel so safe. There are no hidden intentions or words that seem to mean one thing but really mean another. Spencer wants you as a person more than he wants you as a body and that’s been clear since the first time he touched you. You take a deep breath. 

“Okay. What do I do?”

“First, you’re gonna spit in your hand.”

You look up, alarmed. 

“You want me to intentionally get my spit on you? Is that not your worst nightmare?”

“Believe it or not, I’m not super worried about yours,” he teases. “But if you’d prefer, I can spit in your hand.”

“Actually, mine is fine,” you laugh nervously. 

Hesitantly, you do as instructed, even though it seems frankly bizarre. 

“Good. Now just wrap your hand around it, like this.” His voice is quiet, focused as he guides your hand downward. Your heart rate ticks up again as he encourages you to wrap your hand around the base of his cock. He feels much warmer than you’d expected—his skin is silken beneath your touch but he’s undeniably hard and that sort of eliminates any sense of him being fragile from the equation. 

“It’s gonna be less sensitive down here—and then, up here—” he slides your hand back up, covering your thumb with his own and swiping it just below the head of his cock on the underside. He hisses and you look up in fascination. “That’s the most sensitive part.”

Without further instruction, you do it again, keeping your touch light and watching his face for a reaction. His drawn brows twitch, furrowing deeper for a second, and his lips part. A heavy exhalation passes between them and quickly builds into a breathy laugh. 

“What?” you murmur, over-eager to please and very nervous to do something wrong. 

“Nothing. Just feels good, that’s all.”

“Don’t laugh,” you pout. Of course that makes him laugh again, and he leans forward to kiss your head. 

“I’m laughing at myself, angel. I’m a grown man fighting for my life from a handjob that you’ve barely started. I knew it would be different with you but I didn’t realize it would be this different.”

Heat rises in your cheeks and you look away. 

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”

“I’m not lying,” he urges, grabbing your free hand and encouraging you to uncurl your fingers. His thumb traces circles in your open palm, before capturing your entire hand in his. “Do you feel how much softer your hand is than mine?”

You frown, attempting to feel whatever it is that he’s pointing out. Despite the fact that you think he has very nice hands, you realize he’s right. By no means would you say that they’re rough, but you can tell where his gun normally sits in his hands, where his fountain pen rubs against his fingers. “Yeah.”

“Yeah. Anything you do is going to be perfect because it’s you.”

Spencer drops his hand to your leg, rubbing it soothingly. The other moves to cover yours—the one wrapped around him. 

“You’re gonna help me, right?” you ask quietly. Some adventurous part of you is very excited about this as an experiment—fascinated by the reactions you’ve already gotten from him and eager to push it. 

“I am. Little bit tighter, honey. I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”

You do as you’re told, and he’s murmuring more praise—slowly encouraging you to begin moving your hand with his own. A shaky exhale catches your attention, drawing your gaze to his face. His eyes are, of course, cast downward, but his expression is hypnotizing. Those lips remain slightly parted, and suddenly you wonder if he makes noises like you do. In that moment it becomes your life’s mission to find out. 

For a while you continue letting his hand guide your movements, but he keeps things so slow for your sake that you’re getting impatient. You forgo his direction, picking up the pace but trying to keep the rhythm he’d instilled in the motion. His hand slackens around yours. 

“Fuck,” he hisses to himself. The hand on your thigh rubs achingly deeper into the flesh. “Angel, what are you doing?”

“I want it to feel good.” Suddenly shy again, you slow down. His hips stutter, which you think may be a sign that it was working. “Am I—was that bad?” Spencer looses a breath, looking almost… frustrated?

“No, I’m just—I’m weirdly close to coming.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“Well,” he mutters, “not usually. Mostly it’s embarrassing.”

You giggle, a release of some tension, and begin pumping your hand again. His breath hitches and he finally looks up at you, meeting your eyes with his own lust-glazed ones. Heat pools deep between your legs. 

“I want you to come,” you admit quietly as you twist your wrist, brushing that spot underneath the head of his cock again. His jaw literally drops, and a look that is part confusion, part pleasure, twists his features. You see the surprise sparkling in his eyes and it only spurs you to keep talking. “I’ve never seen how you look when you do, but I’ve imagined it. I bet you look so pretty when you come, Spencer. ‘Nd then I would know that I can make you feel good, too.”

“You… you are making me feel good,” he assures you. The way his brow furrows and his  lips are parted give you a feeling that’s entirely new. Normally, you’re the one falling apart under his touch—but when it’s the other way around there’s a whole new kind of pleasure in it for you. You feel kind of powerful. Maybe even close to confident. 

“Really? I’m not this quiet when you touch me.”

“I’ve ha—ah—had more practice not making noise.”

“But why?” you implore, ignoring the fact that he’s slept with other women and enjoyed the sounds they made, and opting to brush your thumb across that extra sensitive part he definitely shouldn’t have told you about. His hips buck up and he hisses, which is immensely gratifying to you. 

“Because I like to listen.”

“What if I do, too?”

In a moment of divine inspiration , you cover the tip of his cock with your hand, swirling beads of pre-come over your palm. Spencer moans and his hips jut up into your grip. It’s a beautiful sound, just as you’d hoped. 

“Jesus, fuck.”

You understand why he seems to enjoy touching you so much. It’s so rewarding to watch as his breathing picks up and pleasure contorts his face—to watch him get messier and messier and lose his composure a bit more with each stroke of your hand. It’s so simple but Spencer looks at you like you’re exercising some arcane deviant power over him and he’s not sure he should be enjoying it as much as he is. 

Distantly you think about how it felt when he had his hands on you—and then, in clearer focus, how it felt when he went down on you. Both were perfect, but something about his lips so gentle on the most intimate, vulnerable part of you had felt like ascension. Maybe it was the emotional component, or maybe it just felt fucking good. Regardless, it seems an irresistible thought. 

You keep stroking him until his head is lolling on the back of the couch as he groans.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah, baby?”

He sounds so destroyed it makes you clench around nothing. Without any indication that you’re going to do so, you stop touching him, and the speed with which he lifts his head again is almost comical. Immediately, while he’s utterly defenseless and desperate, you ask, “can I use my mouth?” 

His eyes widen, and then shut, as he processes your request with a tiny shake of his head—probably trying to clear the haze of pleasure from his mind before he answers. 

“Honey,” he rasps eventually, opening his eyes and smoothing a hand over your hair, “you don’t have to do that just because I do. That’s not why I do it.”

“But I want to,” you murmur, shy and mildly embarrassed by what feels almost like a soft rejection. “I don’t think I could do anything, like, mind-blowing, but… I want to try.”

Your face is hot by the end of the sentence, and you can’t meet Spencer’s eyes as his fingers twitch over your hip. A quiet moment passes—but it’s short-lived.

“Okay. Go ahead, baby.”

Wide eyes dart up to his. 

“Really?”

Spencer smiles fondly, brushing an invisible speck from your cheek. 

“I don’t think I’m capable of turning that offer down. Not when it’s you.”

“Okay—um, should I just—” Spencer watches on, finding your sudden enthusiasm completely adorable as you scoot off of his lap and gingerly kneel in front of him. Your eyes are big and glassy as you look up at him, hands set politely on his knees. You squint suspiciously, eyes darting between his face and his cock, now about as hard as it’s ever been due to your toying. He knows it’s probably intimidating for a girl who has never seen one in real life, and he feels kind of bad about it. You do terrible, wonderful things to him that he doesn’t understand. “Wow. So... it looks bigger from down here.”

“Please don’t try to choke yourself,” he instructs hurriedly, leaning forward slightly. “I really don’t need you to do that. It’s fine if you can’t fit it all, I just—” he exhales shakily. Spencer is most definitely strong-willed but he can’t pretend like the sight of you on your knees for him, inches from his aching cock for the first time isn’t impacting his cognition. Most importantly he doesn’t want to make you feel pressured. He’s trying to not let how badly he wants this show in case you change your mind. 

Spencer watches as you psych yourself out—wilting like a thirsty flower. 

“But what if I’m bad at this?” you mumble, hands curling into loose fists atop his legs. Spencer pushes your hair back, tucking it behind your ears. 

“What’s your worst case scenario?” he asks. Your answer is immediate. 

“That I’m so bad you make me stop halfway through.”

Spencer can’t help but laugh again. 

“I’m sorry—I just… honey, you are really underestimating how profound your effect is on me. I just almost came from a minute long handjob. I can assure you that I won’t make you stop halfway through because I’d rather not have your mouth on me. That is… that’s just not going to happen.”

You lean your cheek against his thigh. He might actually pass away. 

“Will you tell me if I’m doing something wrong?”

“Honestly, as long as you don’t bite, you’re in the clear.”

Your eyes squeeze shut and your lips pull into an embarrassed little smile. 

“Great. Thank you for that invaluable advice.”

“Of course,” he smiles. It fades slowly as you take a deep breath and look up at him, obviously steeling yourself, before leaning forward and taking him in your hand again. He watches with bated breath, repeating no sudden movements to himself over and over as your hand moves up and down a few more times and your head lowers. 

You delicately, so lightly trace your tongue from the base of his swollen cock to just underneath the leaking tip, mapping a vein, and his hips buck as you take him into your mouth experimentally. Only the first few inches fit but the sight of your lips wrapped around him, the way you’re looking at him is so unbelievably erotic Spencer knows he won’t last very long.

From a purely technical perspective—he knows he’s gotten objectively better head. Still, something about the way you’re so delicate with him, so soft and timid in the way you lick and kiss and take him into your mouth has him fighting not to come already. Maybe it’s wrong, but knowing that he’s watching you do this for the first time in your life is obscenely arousing. The idea that you’ve never trusted another person this much; that you’re letting him be the one to help you navigate something as new and as important as sexuality. The more he thinks about it, though, the more he realizes: it’s not your inexperience that turns him on. It’s just you. Everything you do is so undeniably you—he recognizes your mannerisms in every tiny motion, in every glance, and it’s killing him. You’re like a dream as you look up at him with big nervous eyes, (no, really, he has had this dream) and he remembers he wants to be reassuring you—not pondering life and human connection. 

“Look at you,” he murmurs, groaning and hips twitching as your cheeks hollow, wrapping his achingly hard cock in soft gentle warmth so sweetly it feels taboo. “So good, baby. So gorgeous like this.”

You whine around him, receptive as always to his obsequious praise, and he notices the way your hips wiggle as you seek friction. God, you must like this a lot. Spencer gathers your hair into a makeshift ponytail, resting his hand on your head as you begin to bob it. That, he wasn’t prepared for. He’d have been satisfied with just kitten-licks and suckling but he won’t complain about this. It’s slow, and so intentional as you keep watching him for feedback cues. Ever his observant girl, you’re constantly paying attention. Aware of his reactions. He needs to keep telling you you’re good or else you’ll assume you’re terrible. 

“Over-achiever,” he whispers through a little smile as you down even more of him. 

Spencer is for the most part a kind and gentle person. For better or worse he is also a man, and he can’t help but fantasize about getting you all teary and drooly as he holds your mouth open and sees how much of his cock he can push down your throat. But again—kind. Gentle. So when you get a little over-zealous, attempting to sacrifice your comfort for his pleasure, he pulls your head back slightly. “That’s far enough, angel. That’s—fuck. God, you’re good at this.” The words are thoughtless, muttered to himself more than you as he watches through a haze while you look up at him with glassy, half-lidded eyes, slipping him in and out of your warm mouth, a little faster now as you gain confidence. 

You whine desperately around him, like you’re the one nearing orgasm and not him. The sound of your pleasure as you suck his cock makes him dizzy. His hips buck, pressing him a little deeper into your mouth. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he exhales. “Slow down, baby. I’m—” a louder moan from him like you’ve never heard as he thrusts shallowly turns you on profoundly. He’s so much more vocal than you’d have imagined—sonically and verbally. He breathes out a quick, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” pulling your hair slightly, and you’ve never wanted to touch yourself more but you know you can’t focus on both. Instead you work on making him come—you can worry about you later. He says your name, with an authoritative edge to his tone that makes you throb. “Honey, if you don’t stop, I’m gonna come—”

You swirl your tongue around the top of him like candy and he’s done for. Spencer tries to pull out, which only results in cum both in your mouth and on your face. The orgasm is his strongest in recent memory, and he grunts, watching your lips part and a little squeak escape as he comes all over your face—but you keep stroking him all the while. Once he’s 90% sure it’s over, he falls against the back of the couch, breathing heavily and looking down at you through hazy eyes. Oh, he’s going to feel terrible about this in a few seconds—but right now you look fucking perfect. Your eyes are wide, nervous as his essence drips over your face and down your neck—he groans when you swallow cautiously, averting his eyes to the ceiling lest he do another thing he regrets. 

“Baby, I am so sorry,” he mutters, forcibly clearing the haze of orgasm from his mind and sitting up, fixing his pants and looking around before locating the box of tissues on the side table. “I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” You look up at him attentively as he wipes himself from your face as gently as he can. 

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t ask you first. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Spencer guides your head around by your chin, wiping your jaw and lips. 

“It’s okay, Spence, I—”

“No, it’s not,” he cuts you off, trying to at least turn his guilt into a learning experience for you. He’s not deluded enough to think someone like you will stay with someone like him forever, because sometimes he does things like that, and he’s reminded that there are certainly people out there more deserving of you. At the very least he can clarify that nobody should ever do what he just did to you. “It’s really not nice to do that to someone.”

“Do you care what I think at all?”

Spencer freezes, finally forcing himself to look you in the eye. Despite the fact that he’s mad at himself, he’s sure it’s coming across as being directed at you. And he knows you’re sensitive, especially about this kind of thing. 

“Of course, I do, baby. I’m sorry. Do you want to come back up here with me and tell me what you’re thinking?” he murmurs, cupping your jaw. Hesitantly you nod. The tissues end up on the table—which he will be thoroughlywiping down later—before you crawl back into his lap from the floor. Spencer helps you settle against him, hoping he hasn’t messed this up irreversibly. He keeps his voice quiet as he rubs your leg. “What were you going to say?”

“I was going to say,” you begin, “that it’s fine, because you’ll remember to ask next time. And because… I kind of liked it. I like when—when you do stuff like that.”

It’s a miracle he can hear you with the way your voice drops into an almost-whisper and you’re hiding against his shirt. 

“Like what?” he murmurs. Although he’s not sure he’ll be able to handle the answer. 

“Like… I don’t know. Like you can do whatever you want to me. Like I’m literally yours.” Each word makes you cringe further, but Spencer has to try hard to maintain a cool facade as he processes this. If he’s going to try and be chivalrous, you’ll have to move away from this topic—this revelation—immediately. Thankfully, you seem eager to move on. “So… how did I do?”

He almost laughs. It seems exceedingly obvious how you did, but as per usual, you require verbal reassurance. 

“That was really good, baby. You did well.”

You blossom. 

“Really?”

“I wouldn’t lie.”

“Was I the best girl out of all of the other girls?” 

I wasn’t in love with any of the other girls. 

Just barely, he manages to stop himself from saying it, pinwheeling his arms on the edge of a very steep verbal cliff. The realization that he’s been in love with you for a while hits him like a truck. But he can’t tell you that right now. He should wait until you’re less vulnerable.

Fuck. 

He really wants to tell you right now. 

“Actually—don’t answer that,” you decide, while all of this happens in his head in less than a few seconds. “I want to go back to pretending I’m the only girl you’ve ever seen in your life.”

“You’re the only one that matters,” he offers, relieved to express at least some portion of the much bigger truth. Then he frowns. “Not that the other women I’ve met don’t lead important lives. I actually know a lot of incredibly influential and intelligent people who are women. I have deep respect for all of them. Am I helping or making it worse?” he rambles. You giggle. He has his answer. “What about you? How do you feel?” he asks after a moment, tenderly, lowly, stroking your hair as you lean against his chest. 

It takes you a moment to deliberate, fiddling with the fabric of his shirt. 

“I feel good. I, um… liked it a lot more than I would have thought.”

“Well, that’s good. Much better than if you had hated every second of it.”

You hum in agreement, and he waits for you to say whatever you’re holding back. It comes sooner than he’d have anticipated. 

“I feel bad about the times before. How did you just… go to sleep after? Were you not, like—insanely turned on? Not that I’m, like, irresistibly sexy, or whatever—you know what I mean.”

Spencer smiles because he knows you can’t see him. 

“I wasn’t doing it to pressure you into feeling obligated to reciprocate, I guess. My line of reasoning was that it would be less intimidating if I didn’t even present it as an option until you wanted to try.”

“Oh.”

Spencer thinks he sees where this is going. 

“Why?” he asks, leaning back and encouraging you to look at him. “Are you insanely turned on?”

“Wh—that’s—I didn’t say that!”

Spencer can feel how warm your cheeks are as he presses his lips to the side of your face. 

“You can tell me if you are,” he murmurs, all smiley as he moves to kiss your lips. “If you want something, you need to ask for it. I’m not a mind reader.”

“Yes you are,” you grumble. “That’s literally what behavioral analysis is.”

Not quite true, but surprisingly, he doesn’t feel the need to explain to you the semantics of what he does for work right now. 

“What got you all excited?”

“You know what,” you mumble, trying to look away again. Spencer doesn’t allow it this time, gently grabbing your jaw. 

“Yes, I do. But I want you to tell me. If you want me to make you feel good, this is how you’re going to convince me that you deserve it.”

You whine wordlessly, looking at him with those big, lust-glazed eyes.

“You wanted me to teach you how to use your words, right? This is it. I’m giving you an opportunity. If you don’t want to, that’s okay. Maybe we can take a nap, like you said earlier.”

“No! I liked—um, I liked all of it. I didn’t know if I would, because I was really nervous. But when I first—you know—and you got all quiet… it was like you couldn’t even talk for a minute. I was kind of proud of that. Because normally nobody can ever get you to stop talking.” Spencer narrows his eyes incredulously, a small smile tugging at his lips. But he doesn’t interrupt—not when it seems you’re finally starting to get more confident in your words. “And I really liked the noises you made. I think that was my favorite part. I liked when you pulled my hair back, and how you spoke to me. And when… when you got me messy and I had to swallow it. I really liked how it felt because I couldn’t think of anything else, just making you feel good. I really wanted to… make you proud, I guess. Is that weird?”

Spencer shakes his head no, a fond smile on his face when your eyes meet his again. 

“No. It’s a pretty normal thing to feel when you’re nervous and wanting to impress someone you care about. And I would have been proud no matter what, for the record. You were being very brave.”

You pull your bottom lip between your teeth, watching him expectantly. Spencer should have known you’re too needy to truly absorb anything he says to you right now. Which is actually pretty cute. Everything you do is endearing to him. 

“Stand up.”

You frown. 

“But—”

“Just stand up,” he demands calmly, preferring to think of himself as firm and not bossy. 

You do, looking rather annoyed and confused as you plant yourself in front of him. 

“Why?”

“You are so full of questions.” His hands slip up the side of your legs, under your skirt, and hook in the waistband of your underwear. Spencer looks up at you meaningfully and you nod, swallowing. 

As he pulls down, Spencer can literally feel the resistance of the fabric clinging to your soaked core. Under his touch the skin of your thighs is warm and soft. He wants to feel it on either side of his face, he wants to hear you whine as his stubble rubs against it, he wants to feel it clamp around his wrist, he wants it between his teeth and he definitely wants it pressing against his hips as he—

But no. 

There will be time for all of those things—especially the last one—later. For now, he’ll reach between your legs just to see—

“Oh, my god,” Spencer half-chuckles, half-groans, upon feeling how wet you truly are for him. He drags his knuckles from your dripping entrance up over your clit, pinching very lightly and earning a squeak from you which he ignores. “You really did like having your mouth full of me, huh?”

“I told you,” you breathe, visibly relaxing some as he continues to play with you for a moment. Then he pulls his hand away again, patting his thigh. 

“Sit.”

“You want me to…”

“Yes,” he says, simply. 

“But is it not going to… am I not going to mess up your pants?”

“You are even more neurotic about messiness than I am. I can wash them, honey. Come here.”

Spencer guides your hips over his thigh, watching your pretty face twist with uncertainty as you fully settle on him. Fuck, he can feel your warmth through the fabric instantly. Already he’s getting hard again. 

“What am I supposed to do?” you whisper, bunching his shirt in your fists. Spencer slides your skirt up higher, revealing the way you’re nestled against his thigh. He spreads you a little further apart, exposing more of your clit to the material underneath you. Immediately you press against him—he watches the delicate flesh rubbing gingerly against him and  his grip tightens ever so slightly. 

“All you have to do is rock back and forth. It’s easy.”

Already you’re starting to do it—but he guesses it’s like earlier where you don’t even realize it’s happening. 

“But… I wanted your mouth,” you admit, quietly, slinging your arms around his neck and burying your face there. 

“Do this for me first. Just get yourself off like this one time and then you can have my mouth. You said you wanted to help me feel better because I’m tired today, right?

“Yes,” you mumble, squirming over him. 

“Well, there are a lot of days when I get back home and I’m tired. I’m gonna need you to be able to get on top of me, just like this, and make me feel better. And I know you don’t know what it feels like to have something that deep inside of you yet, but it’s gonna be a lot. Even once you know how it feels to have me inside when you’re underneath me. I need you to practice for me right now so you’ll be ready, okay?”

You could come from the words alone. You nod, dazed with need as you roll your hips in a circle, pressing his thigh against your clit. 

“Back and forth, baby,” he murmurs, guiding your hips forward with his hands locked around them. “Back and forth, just like this…”

You moan quietly, shamelessly, eyes fluttering as you look down and watch your clit dragging over the darkening fabric. It’s easier if you isolate your hips, grinding down without moving your legs or upper body at all. 

“It feels really good,” you whisper under your quickening breath. 

“Yeah? Does it?”

“Mhm.”

“Good, angel. You look like you know what you’re doing.”

It’s audible now, quiet and wet and dirty. 

“I don’t,” you breathe. He sucks in a breath of his own, stilling your hips with fingers pressed deep into your flesh. 

“Sit up, baby.” You really wish he would stop making you stop, but you don’t want to keep going in case he needs you to quit—so you rise slowly, thighs trembling as you kneel. Spencer groans at the strings of your arousal momentarily connecting your core to his pants before they snap, getting your inner thighs wet. There’s a dark, very wet patch over his thigh, shining like glass. He thumbs over your slick clit absentmindedly as he looks up at you like you’re a miracle. “You’re fucking soaked. I’ve never seen you like this. Is this all from making me come?”

You nod feverishly, hips grinding against nothing in search of friction. He sits you back down on his leg, allowing you to sloppily find your rhythm again. Spencer bounces his leg lightly and you cry out softly, buckling forward. His arms wrap around you, still pressing you down against his thigh as you rut against it. 

“You’re sweet. Maybe I should have known how much you’d like it when I came all over your pretty face. You really like hearing that you did a good job, huh? I bet you like it even more when I prove it to you.”

You moan a “yeah,” barely processing his words. 

“My good girl even swallowed on her first try. Took it so well. And now look at how you’re taking this. You’re gonna love riding, baby. Just going to be another thing you’re good at as soon as you try it.”

“Spencer,” you gasp, overwhelmed by the praise. He’s bouncing his leg at regular intervals and everything is so sensitive.

“I know it’s harder to finish this way, but just one time, remember? And then you can have my tongue for as long as you want. You are my only plan for the day. Just give me one like this.”

But it’s not really harder to finish this way. Then again, you’re so turned on you could probably finish if a breeze hit you just right. Regardless, the thought of him going down on you again pushes you even closer to the edge.

You don’t know how much time goes by like that, you rubbing against him like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do, him pressing up into you until the pressure is so taut it snaps. There’s no time to warn him, but you suppose you don’t really need to. You writhe against him, caught between wanting to keep going and not being able to take more stimulation. He lifts you up just slightly, trying to separate you from his leg. You exhale deeply as your body relaxes, already close to dozing off against his chest.

“We can’t have you tapping out just yet. I still have to fulfill my end of the deal.”

In the end, he fulfills it three times over, and you end up showing your appreciation in kind one more time—much slower and more comfortably in his bed. He gives you plenty of time to learn what he likes, taking your teasing and coquettish explorations like a champ and never so much as tightening his grip in your hair. Turns out, you don't exactly spend the day doing nothing.

And you do end up taking that nap after all. Just... much, much later. And with less clothing on.

[noxtivagus]

i'll succeed with everything. definitely.

[trashylosersz]

MIDNIGHT FEELS

pairing: captain rex x jedi!reader rating: 16+ (idk??) warnings: trauma talk, angst, mentions of injury, not proof read! word count: 1.5k summary: On an exhausting mission on the planet of Anaxes, You and Captain Rex finally find some time for each other, after a very long time. What starts as a love-expressing conversation, soon turns into talks about the destructive nature of the war and how it had brought nothing more than loss. a/n: I have no idea what this is I just saw a prompt and decided to write for rexy boy because he deserves all the love in the entire galaxy </3 also i'm kinda bad at writing 2nd person so please please excuse the horrible writing, also for the love of god, i can't write long things so this is kinda small, so i'm really sorry for that too.

After what felt like an eternity, you had finally got some much needed bonding time with Rex. The mission was a risky and an important one, so both you and Rex couldn't bear to be distracted, yet when you finally got a break, you immediately rushed to find Rex.

At nights, the only thing you had in your thoughts was him. About him, his beautiful brown eyes, his calloused hands that beautifully held your own, his voice being an anchor in the darkest days, how it had pulled you out of the darkest pits, how he was the warmth that clouded you when everything felt cold. The captain of the 501st had a soft heart in a cruel, cruel world, and you often feared that it might hurt him someday.

To Rex, you meant everything. Since the first time he saw you, his mind was filled with the intoxicating thought of you, having you to himself. He knew it was wrong, you were his general, but everything you did just made him want you more and more.

Little did he know, you felt the same way towards him. It happened in a brief, quick moment when you saw him helping out civilians on a mission, and before you knew, your heart belonged to him. From that moment, you knew you loved him, with every inch of your living being.

At first, you went into his barracks to see if he was there, but were disappointed to find it empty. You asked Jesse if he had seen the captain, but even he hadn't seen him.

Searching for him became a huge task, the captain of the 501st being nowhere in sight. You asked every trooper, even Anakin and Obi-Wan, but there was no luck finding him. Almost giving up, you decided to take a stroll in the forests of the planet. Every sight there was beauty to behold, so were the creatures that wandered them.

The noise of fire crackling averted your attention, walking towards the sound, you finally found the person you were looking for.

Captain Rex sat there, helmet in his lap, looking directly into the fire in front of him. There was an aura of profound sadness that radiated through him, and you could feel it, not just because of the force, but the way his face was morphed into a deep frown.

Gently, you approached him and sat beside him on the log, and only then did he look at you, eyebrows furrowed together.

"Hey." You said softly, looking deeply into his eyes.

You knew that he had been upset about the losses he had faced during the entire battle on the planet of Anaxes, but there was something else bothering him too, and you just couldn't pin-point what it was.

"Hi." He replied back, his voice lacking the usual energy and love it generally had.

The fire casted a glow on one side of his face, while the other glowed in moonlight, and you truly couldn't help but admire how pretty he looked. Around all this beauty, you realized that the most beautiful thing was the person that sat in front of you. He'd put shame to the most beautiful planets you'd ever seen, and you were sure that there was no one more beautiful than him.

"What are you thinking about?" He questioned with a look of interest on his face.

"Nothing, just how pretty you are." His face showed a quizzical expression, but he soon chuckled at your response, small giggles falling from your lips at his response, "What, it's true!" You gushed, a smile plastered on both your faces.

You took his hands in yours, placing them on your lap as the both of you sat facing each other, knees touching, "Now tell me, what were you thinking about?"

The smile dropped from his face, regret clouding his face. You gently stroked his hand with your thumb, something he had found comforting on various occasions.

"It's just, I don't know, but I can't help but wonder what good has this war brought? Since the start of the war, I-I've lost so many brother, brothers who I cared about, brothers like Fives, Echo, Tup, Dogma and so many more that I've lost count. When we were cadets, we were taught that we're fighting for the greater good, but now, I'm not so sure." He concluded with a deep sigh, eyes concentrated on his laps.

Deep down, you couldn't help but agree with what he said. Even you had the same thoughts some days ago, but brushed it off as some overthinking, one thing leading to another.

But now, when Rex said it, it felt true, somewhere in your heart. Yet, you felt that there was something else bothering him as well. He looked unsure, that he wanted to say something, still, he couldn't manage to form his thoughts into words.

"Is there something else, Rex?" You pressed on, worrying that whatever that might be in his heart might start affecting him, the burden evident through the force.

He hesitates for a bit, eyes frantically moving here and there. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. You hold his hand tighter, a small re-assurance that you were there. For him.

"I've been thinking," He starts, his voice even lower than before, "All these counter strategies these separatists are using to defeat us, somewhere, I recognize them. They all are strikingly familiar to the plans me and Echo made up, and-and I know I sound absolutely mental right now, and whatever I am saying is by far the longest shot but, but I think Echo is alive, and he's being held by the Separatists." He finally looked up in your eyes, and the look in his eyes were of pure desperation.

But as he said, it was the longest shot, and as much as you wanted to believe him, it was almost impossible. You were there, you were there when Echo died in the explosion at The Citadel. There was no way he could be alive, and even if he was, he would be in no condition to tell The Separatists plans him and Rex made ages ago.

"Rex..." You didn't really know what to say. You knew how much Echo meant to him, both Echo and Fives. After Echo had, died, both Rex and Fives bonded closer to each other, and when Fives died, he almost didn't have anyone, and it was heartbreaking to see. You'd often catch him looking at a picture of him, Echo, Fives and Cody, and the sight was heartbreaking.

"Hey, hey come here." You pulled him closer, cradling his head in your hand, laying his head down on your shoulder. He slightly sobbed into your shoulder, as you stroked his back, whispering comforting words in his ears.

The both of you sat there for about another hour, doing nothing but laying out your feelings to each other. You knew, how he never could stop carrying the weight of the past, the weight of the war. He wanted to stop, but he couldn't. Everything he did reminded of a time when he and his brothers were together, when they had each other.

It was late, his head resting on your shoulder, your eyes focusing on the stars that shone through the night sky.

In a quick moment, he shifted slightly, his lips lining with your neck as he gently started kissing it, a long sigh escaping your lips. He continued further on, working his way towards your jaw, nibbing on the sensitive skin, nor too hard to leave a mark neither soft enough for a moan to not fall from your lips.

His hands made themselves at home on your hips, turning you towards him as he pressed his forehead to yours, breathing heavily. You waited patiently, not wanting to ruin the moment by saying the wrong thing.

"I love you..." He sighed out, pressing his lips on yours. It was just as comforting as you remembered, the gentle way he kissed you, one of his hands coming up to cup your jaw. Stars busted through your mind, the way his lips molded into your own, as if they were made to be there. You couldn't help but smile into the kiss, because you knew, that no matter what, you'd always have him by your side. He kissed you like you were the breath he couldn't catch, like without having you, he would die.

He broke away from the kiss, panting, his eyes concentrating into your own.

"I love you." You spoke, and his face broke into a lazy smile, repeating the words again, the night going on with the both of you saying the same sentence to each other again, and again, basking in each other's love, until the first ray of sunlight didn't shine on you.

[paradoxical-catastrophe]

I have oc info. Just little tidbits I have stored in my head that I can’t really convey in rp. It’s long btw

Also I have a Pinterest board for silly oc stuff if u wanna see

Zee:

- I looked up paranoid personality disorder and. That’s him. Frfr

- He is Anxiety (tm)

- Paranoid personality disorder, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, psychosis… I think that may be it ?

- Catch him checking the locks to the doors and windows several times a day despite not having gone out/opened the window all day

- He also wakes up often through the night. Or well he used to. He’s taking some new medication to prevent psychosis episodes and it makes him Eternally Tired

- So he now sleeps a lot

- Catch him napping on the couch once or twice a day

- He sleeps even better now that he’s got Shin and the two kitties. Bc if something happens they’ll be awake to notice. And the kitties can actually hear n stuff so no worries about that

- He and Mirai actually ended things on pretty good terms back when they were dating. All that anger from Mirai happened like. After they broke up. And (unless Riley says otherwise) it’s not really bc of the breakup

- His purple scarf was originally from Sou but when Mirai was created by Riley I had to change it and say it was a gift when they were dating

- It’s MY OCS I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT *makes an au where Mirai and Zee didn’t break up and worked it all out and they have a healthy relationship together*

- Oh also I have a non death game AU where Zee is a fire dancer. For no other reason than I like firedancing. His outfit is red and sparkly and fitting and he wears a black mesh mask that covers his entire face. He remains completely anonymous and does mostly street performances!! For lack of better ideas I’ve decided his like. Performing name is Refel.

Zee AI:

- tiny boy. I wuv him. hes my son

- tho be patient he might be going through a small gender crisis

- I weep at his and Mirai’s relationship. It’s so wholesome

- Also imagine tiny zee in a dinosaur onesie

- If you’re not melting at the thought you’re not a real one smh

- So anyways

- Boy is also traumatized but. Slightly less. Kind of.

- He hasn’t recognized how traumatized he is

- He tends to go nonverbal actually! But it’s hard to rp that so. I wanted to say it here since I don’t really do it over rp

- (Like I rp him much anyways)

- He gives total kidcore energy

- Bright colors, lots of kandi, also frog plushies

- Oh another thought for you: imagine Mirai carrying tiny Zee in the dinosaur onesie on his back. Zee just dozing off and snoozin

- If you don’t melt at the idea. Get out.

- Also he totally plays animal crossing all the time I don’t make the rules

Synapse:

- I mean ik hes dead but I never talked about him much anyways so. Here! Idk what all I revealed so I’ll reveal basically Everything

- Ofc Synapse isn’t his real name but I forgot what his real name was… it was some basic name. Like River? Was that it? I don’t know

- Anyways he grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. He’s one of like. 7 or so siblings. One of the younger ones.

- His family runs a farm and has a barn n stuff and they kinda like. Host people who want to experience farm life for a few days

- Synapse did a lot of the hospitality stuff, as well as his siblings. But he also took care of the animals a lot (hence his fondness for animals)

- But he REALLY hated it. Like. He hated it so much. He didn’t like his parents, they were very uh. Traditional I guess is the word? And quite religious. But he got along ok with some of his siblings who also shared his view of hating the parents

- Maybe I’ll like make an oc that’s his sibling- Oo that’s a good idea

- Anyways. So he got in a big argument with his parents and then got kicked out. Or moved out. I don’t remember. So that’s when he left and went to a small community college

- He wasn’t too smart at first. Like he knew how to read and write but like. That’s the extent of it. He was homeschooled by his parents. But he picked things up quick and soon got fascinated with the social aspects of the city

- Since he basically spent all his life rural, he’d never seen what a city was like and it was a bit of a kinda culture shock to him. But soon he started reading about it and saw how people did in communities. So he formed one

- Yup. Just a normal community.

- So yeah! That’s most of it

[phantom-does-a-thing]

Thinking so hard about William decaying btw.

Under a cut bc I started saying words and didn’t stop. Tw for discussion of body horror n gore n stuff ig. He is decaying.

His digestive system doesn’t work, he can’t eat because it’ll make him sick because it doesn’t digest. He doesn’t tell the others about this, he just refuses to eat because he physically can’t.

His body won’t let him sleep because if he’s already dead there’s no use. Body does not regulate hormones well enough to allow him to sleep, there’s no production of melatonin or anything. He doesn’t produce saliva it’s hard to swallow because his mouth is always dry. He’s moodier and more irritable (bc again no hormone regulations).

When he bleeds it’s… not like normal blood it’s old it’s not fresh this is not blood that should come from a regular person. It’s darker, it’s thicker, it’s almost like syrup. His heartbeat is… it still *beats* but it’s very weak, very slow, it might as well not beat at all.

It’s hard for him to move because his muscles are very, very stiff, a lot less motor control because of it. His body doesn’t have enough energy to move so it’s very hard some days, especially when he can’t eat or sleep to make up for that lack of energy. He “wakes up” (decides it’s an acceptable time to stop laying in bed) in a state of rigor mortis that is so hard to shake from and is incredibly painful.

But even so he can barely feel pain, it’s very dull. All his senses are dulled. It’s as if he’s underwater. No sense of smell or taste. His ears are constantly ringing. His vision is a lot blurrier than before, touch receptors are very muted. Someone touches him and he can barely feel it unless they try to hurt him.

His thoughts are so muddled all the time it’s hard to think because he’s so exhausted, his in so much pain (but it doesn’t actually hurt) and he’s trying so hard to navigate in a world where one wrong thing will make him fall apart. And he can barely think. His memory is so much worse, it was the one thing he had going for him and he can’t even do that. He can barely write bc muscle and motor control are very bad so he can’t take notes to remember.

He’s just ghosting this world with a fuzzy feeling inside him, like a soft apple, because everything is falling apart. I think his skin is so sickly colored, he doesn’t produce body heat, it’s like touching wax. I think liver mortis happens to him a lot (blood pooling in places) bc his heart is beating so slowly and so weakly it barely does anything so it’s so uncomfortable.

His skin is easy to pull from the bone, not off, bc it’s still a bit difficult to rip. But it’s stretchier for sure bc nothing is connected right anymore. Connective tissue is decaying, not enough energy in bodies for muscle contraction so cells are eating away at themselves to try and conserve energy. Etc.

His bones are also falling apart, specifically his joints bc again connective tissue is decaying. His shoulders and elbows dislocate and he can barely put them back into place, walking will throw his hip out. I cannot stop thinking about his jaw falling apart like Eben Byers, idk why his jaw would be a notable source of decay, but it’s a disgusting sight that he tries to hide as best he can.

He won’t wear anything besides long sleeves and pants because he’s trying to hide the patches where his skin has started to mold and decay. He wears gloves to hide the blue/purple color of his fingers bc there’s no circulation and he stood in one position for too long so the blood started to pool and never… fixed itself.

He was unpleasant to touch before bc of how cold he is, now it’s even worse. The others won’t touch him because both it’s… really scary and gross… and they’re so scared of making it worse. Dakota is so physically affectionate with people but he… doesn’t with William anymore. It’s so painfully isolating because they treat him different, they notice he’s decaying and they act different.

William is so… isolated… he’s falling apart at the seams and there’s no support because everyone will treat him weirdly or like a fragile thing. Sure he’s fragile but he doesn’t want to be treated that way. With people skirting around touching him because it’s… he’s just a corpse no one wants to touch that, or talking to him differently.

And I think that’s the worst part about the entire situation. Everyone treats him differently. They’re weird about it, everyone is weird about it for understandable reasons bc who the hell is gonna know how approach that kind of situation. It still hurts though.

He’s so cold and he misses those nights that he would cuddle up with Dakota because Dakota is warm and loves to cuddle. That doesn’t happen anymore. He misses it.

William is so touch starved and lonely, he isolated himself so much more because he wouldn’t dare subject someone to the hell that is his body. Because he’s falling apart, he’s decaying, it’s gross. And the loneliness is almost the worst part.

[marsmulti]

Ships;

Going over the common ships for my muses and how I feel about them personally. Note: things can typically change with an individual portrayal, but these are my impressions from canon and how they relate to my portrayal. They are in random order...

Zuko

Zutara: I hate it. Sure, Zuko is easy and will be with just about anyone who likes him, but I just find this ship grosses me out in a way I can't articulate well. It feels disrespectful to Katara's feelings for Aang and I really like them.

Zuko/Mei: it was stupid when it happened and I'm glad they broke up.

Zuko/Jet: OTP

Zuko/Sokka: maybe maybe maybe

Zutoph: she seems young compared to him? Regardless of actual age, I don't really see it.

My fav ship for Zuko is a random crossover ship I write with my wife and it's with Elsa from "Frozen."

Sessomaru

S*ssr*n: big no.

S*ssinu: wtf no. Block me.

Sesskik: fucking no. Block me. Sesskag is the same level of ick.

Sesskagu: viable, but Kagura deserves better.

Sessomaru/Naraku: maybe maybe maybe.

My favorite ship for Sessomaru is no ship. Maybe a queer platonic partnership with SOMEBODY. A crossover or OC could work, but please keep in mind he is not interested in sex.

Anakin

Anidala: his queen, his BAE. OTP, even if they're so toxic I don't care I love them.

Obikin: get the fuck out. NOTP. Let them be complicated and platonic. I HC they are ridiculously intimate, but with zero sex or sexual energy. They shower together in a single stall and shave each other, but they don't see each other sexually and I will not write anything simple with them I refuse.

Anisoka: NO.

Vader/Sidious: now if you want a fucked up master apprentice ship, this is the one. Maximum bad vibes.

Anakin could have any kind of random romance with most people, so I won't list them all out individually. But Aayla comes to mind as someone he could have been close to and possibly had an experimental phase with. /Shrug.

Inuyasha

Inukag: I have mixed feelings about what we see in canon, but overall, I like them. Idk if I would wanna write this ship or not, it greatly depends on the Kagome.

Inukik: basically the same feeling as Inukag.

Inuyasha/Koga: top tier possibilities.

Inumir: maybe maybe maybe.

Inuyasha is also someone who could end up with just about anyone. I personally hate the whole soulmates crap, as it ends up feeling cheap and lazy and lacking in autonomy.

Link

Zelink: OTP

Link/Ganon: it could work in the right circumstances.

Link/Zelda/Ganon: OT3

Link/Mipha: sorry but no... They have no chemistry and Mipha has no character... I'll still give it a maybe though because individual portrayals may change my mind.

Link/Sidon: It just doesn't feel fair to Sidon. Link will break his heart.

It's very difficult to ship with Link. He hardly ever lets people in. You need to build up so much trust and communication with him and build up to it for maybe years or through different lifetimes idk. He also isn't interested in sex, so there is no seducing him. You have to win his heart.

Vash

Vashwood: OTP OTP!!!

Vashmeryl: GTFO. platonic love only. I viscerally hate this ship and no amount of canon divergence is gonna change how I feel.

Plantcest: NO GTFO. I don't have an issue with Knives taking advantage of Vash, but that's what it is. Vash could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS be happy, comfortable, or satisfied with this and I hate to see abuse played as romance. Abuse as abuse, I have no issues with.

Vash/Frank Marlo: tbh that one episode in the 98 Trigun awakened this ship and I really like it a lot.

Vash is not easy to actually get close to, even though he is horny all the time and wants to have relationships more than anything, his fear keeps him away. He will come onto anyone relentlessly and then back out at the last minute.

Livio

Livio is aroace and only into platonic vibes.

Wolfwood is his best friend. He loves him.

Vash is someone he cares about, but can't really hang around easily.

[jctaro]

Hi, first off I wanna say that I read your rules and I'm not sure if you don't want someone like me interacting but my age is in the link to my masterlist. But feel free to block me if you want, I won't be offended lol.

I know we don't really know each other so sorry if I say something that upsets you somehow.

This might be kinda long, sorry heh. It's kind of a rant too but I really needed to get this off my chest..

But thank you very much for that survey about the lack of interaction on Tumblr. The results from it and the discussions from you and other people has really opened my eyes about this place and just being a writer on the internet in general.

It made me really sad once I realized if I just stopped posting or left, people would most definitely just move on since there are plenty of other content to consume out there.

It's honestly making me think about switching careers from writing to art 💀

Idk if things will change no matter how much I beg for interaction and honestly, things might not ever get better/change.

I normally tend to think about my readers first. Of course I write for myself too but sharing my content with other people is part of the joy and happiness...

Whenever I'm writing the next chapter of my story, or just anything really, I get butterflies and my stomach churns with excitement about how my readers will react to it.

But once I post it and receive nothing, all that work and effort and energy just feels wasted. It makes me wonder if people are actually reading my stuff or enjoying it at all.

The thousand likes feel empty and meaningless after a while at this point.

I wonder if one of the other reasons readers don't wanna comment is because the writer might not reply to it and it feels like...there was no point in commenting? Idk, but I do try my best to reply to almost everyone's comment. It's just sometimes idk how to respond but I always read each reply left by someone 😔

Now, I'm one of those people who write a lot more than read on Tumblr and I do have a separate blog for reblogs but I only reblog the content that I personally loved and actually read.

And I think that's reasonable. I won't be able to consume all the content I find on here and I definitely won't enjoy all of them either. Just cause of personal preference.

However, I am kinda guilty when it comes to not commenting on other people's works. I always do a full dive on their blog to make sure I don't accidentally piss them off by interacting 😅

I need to do a better job at commenting though, I do.

Being a writer is tough. I want to delete my blog and never write again. But I love writing too much to abandon..

I'm currently on a break right now but I remembered your survey and I was like "oh right, I wanted to see the results."

So I logged back on just for you heh <3

But I'm still on break despite being here for this brief moment lol.

I still want to write but I'm not getting the feedback I need on Tumblr. Wattpad sucks and there a lot of minors there so that's kind of a no...AO3 might be the next best option but other than those places, I don't know where else to go. And it feels like my writing days are already over.

I can't write anymore without being sad these days so I'm going to mull it over during my break.

Hope you're doing okay during these tough times ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ♥︎ take care

HI HUN OFC NOT !! it's totally okay n i'm glad you're telling me what you think !! and also sobs u logged back on for me??? im so honored 🥺🥺

look, it's completely valid. what you feel is SUPER valid. it's not wrong to want attention for what you do, because even if you're writing for yourself, you share with others whom you know are going to like the same as you. and one seeks validation (i do seek validation!) and it's completely fine. it's not wrong at all to want it !! besides, you're posting something that took you hours, days, effort. and when that's not well appreciated it tends to hurt. it does.

and look i'm not perfect either !! ofc there might be some things i need to get better at, i need to reblog more and try to be better at giving feedback. i think that —and this is also something quite a number of ppl came up with in the survey— it's important to support each other amongst writers. yeah, we're not entitled, but since we like and appreciate when someone reblogs/comments/leaves some kind of feedback, i believe it's important we do it in return too!

there's a point i cannot stress enough and it's something i'm sure tons of writers in here struggle with, and that is the amount of interaction does not make you a better/worse writer, and certainly doesn't determine how talented you are.

surely, lack of interaction makes it hard to get it in mind, and it's discouraging overall, but i really do hope you realize you're talented regardless the amount of notes you get. and i really hope one day you can go back to writing again — for yourself. even if you don't post it. as long as it makes you happy.

i hug you tight tight and send u tons of love hunny<3<3

[nemeseos-noctua]

hello!¡ idk if you guys have wrote for angst but i’ll req one since the reqs are open,, can i req for xiao, zhongli and venti where their [mortal] s/o slowly dies on their arms. yk since they’re basically immortal and how they’d react to losing another loved one. ty!

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: xiao, zhongli, venti (separate) x gn!reader

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: venti and zhongli story spoilers, not proofread

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒: the way i teared UP while writing venti’s (also i love this request. i spent like 40 minutes writing it during a class but AGHH I LOVE THE FREEDOM I HAD WHILE WRITING IT)

a part of him hates himself for loving you

he knew. he knew you were but a mortal, a fleeting love and a fleeting life. and yet, he lowered his guard. he let himself love, he let himself feel joy and bask in your warmth that the lingering thought of ‘temporary’ left his veins

but holding you like this—in his arms, in his cold cold arms that already missed your missing warmth, his bloodied gloves and sunny irises:

he hates you. he hates you for loving him. he hates himself for loving you. he should’ve never subjected himself to this pain—

but he’ll never stop loving the memories of you

“Sorry, Xiao,” You smiled weakly, chest heaving with restrained coughs as the Yaksha winced, cradling you in his arms as the moon began to rise.

“Don’t speak. Conserve your energy,” The Adeptus disregarded your words, his heart pounding against his chest with a pain so unfamiliar, a pain of heartache he wish he never experienced.

Maybe, if he had rejected you that fateful night—he’d feel this pain still. He’d feel it, just, earlier.

Would it be worth it? To sacrifice your memories, your love— for an easier farewell. Maybe, if he had never fallen in love with you, maybe, if you had just stayed in your mortal life and never seeked him out—maybe it would be you who was crying on his behalf.

Gazing down at you, Xiao’s grip on the fabrics of your shirt tightened. You had changed since he first met you—wrinkles adorned your face, [e/c] eyes drooping and your bones were stiffer and more fragile than his ever was.

And yet, he loved you like the first time he met you—though he’d never admit it, appearance never really mattered to him anyways. Though he held a youthful visual, he knew that if his true age was put into a look... it’d be nothing more than skin and bones.

“I love you, Xiao.”

“Don’t.”

Don’t. Don’t make him love you even more, don’t make him miss you before you had even left.

Don’t. Don’t leave him—don’t leave him stranded again, destined to fight against demons and protect Liyue even after its archon’s passing. 

Don’t, don’t make him cry uncharacteristic tears. Don’t make him long for a love that was gone.

xiao would put you to rest once the beat of your heart comes to a stop

he is painfully familiar with the traditions of a passing. he is familiar with the way he’d set someone down into the earth. he is familiar with the soil and the rain and the moon and the stars

he—adeptus xiao—was familiar with death. in fact, he dealed in it

this is most likely xiao’s first time watching someone die from old age

or—someone he loves

he is used to the realm of immortals, he is used to watching them be murdered or sabotaged. but never has he seen old age take someone

and he wished to never see it again.

xiao would close his heart from the world—if it wasn’t closed already, it’d be barricaded by twice the amount. thorns used to block the outside world would stab his own heart, and xiao would only know grief for a period of time

he’d find himself coming back to your final resting place, he’d find himself planting glaze lilies and flowers at your grave as he mourns a lost love

he—still hates you. he hates the love you gave him and the love you shared... but now it doesn’t hurt so much anymore

your death would only prompt him to become stronger. to become colder, to hate the world even more than he already does

zhongli would sometimes visit xiao, and even he is pained by your death. the world—it twisted and turned, it moved and wove tales with the strings of fate...

but never before has xiao wished he was mortal. if he were mortal, he could pass peacefully. if he were mortal, he could meet you again

mortals.

xiao hates mortals.

he hates them because being mortal was what took you away from him

the touch of death has numbed to zhongli

he has experienced it far too much, but watching you fade in his arms was probably the worst yet most bittersweet way to go

on one hand, zhongli is relieved. he is relieved that you passed peacefully, he is relieved that you left without any pain

yet on the other hand, he is heartbroken. he is broken to watch yet another loved one go, he is broken to have to arrange the casket that you will sleep eternally in

zhongli is grateful. he is grateful to ever meet you, he is grateful to have the honor of putting a ring on your finger and being able to lock your lips with his. he is grateful for so many things and yet he still wants more

he wishes to hold you until time itself fades, he wishes to experience the present with you instead of dwelling on the past that you so regrettably will become apart of

he, zhongli, consultant of wangsheng’s funeral parlor—wished for time. a time he so selfishly held as an immortal.

“The glaze lilies are beautiful today, are they not?” Zhongli hummed, sipping on some tea as he gazed fondly out of the window. His warm coat did nothing to prevent the cold of his side, the lack of your voice or the missing light from your eyes.

Everyday was the same. Everyday was him sitting—alone—in the funeral parlor, the pungent smell of death and cremations flooding his senses as all he could do was watch. Watch the world go by, watch his friends and loved ones die one by one as he was subjected to an eternal dance of loss.

Though, Zhongli knows that you will never truly die as long as you are in his heart. He remembers your smile, your laughs, your growing pains and complaints, your eventual wisdom and hearty laugh that you shared with him moments before your time.

He remembers so much, he loves so much, he loves you and who you were, he loves you and all of you.

“I must admit, I miss you terribly,” The consultant’s voice softened, his fingers setting the tea in his hands down as a lump formed in his throat.

“Yet I would never regret loving you.”

zhongli would stay painfully normal

he does not want your death to hinder him—he knows you would not want that. so he lives life, he carries on—but your memory never leaves

your stories and triumphs will be the topic for one of his best stories. and that otherworldly traveler... he hopes they carry on your legacy with each and every world they visit

and he hopes you... you and your beautiful smiles, you and your love and your kindness and your ambitions—

he hopes you are resting peacefully in the flowers he prepared for you

venti would strum you your favorite tunes as you pass

a bittersweet smile paints his face as your back rests against his chest, frail and weak coughs leaving your system as you heave for a single breath

do you remember? do you remember the way the two of you used to climb the tree at windrise? do you remember how you’d drag him from the late diluc’s tavern? do you remember how you’d stay up late at night listening to his songs and mindless chatter?

he remembers. he remembers watching you grow, he remembers standing beside you as you ran for your dreams. he remembered gliding with you aboard the strange island of time you insisted on exploring

“I love you, so so so so so much, [Y/N]...” Venti would muster, wiping his tears as you couldn’t even turn around to gaze at him. To gaze at his youthful form and unchanging appearance, to gaze into those azure eyes you had fallen for and his scheming tactics. 

Burying his nose into the crook of your neck, Venti took one deep breath. He loved the way you smelled, how it seemed like you rolled in a field of sweet flowers (though he knew your stiff bones would never allow such a thing), how you used to play along with his schemes when you were younger.

Venti loves you, and all of you. He loved you when you were a young adult, he loved you when you were middle-aged, he loved you when you were an elder.

He love love love love loves you, so much so that it seemed to overpower the pain.

He knew your time was up, he knew his time with you was gone, but he persists on with your memory.

mondstadt has surely changed ever since your passing

venti finds himself waddling into angel’s share twice a day, even if he can’t afford it. he finds himself on the receiving end of pitied gazes and free drinks (for no reason, though everyone knows the reason). he finds the way klee is no longer a child and the way the honorary knight never visits mondstadt anymore quite jarring

he finds himself—lost. he has lost so many, watched so many go, held so many fallen friends in his hands that he can no longer count

though, he misses you. a lot, actually. when klee is busy being an adult and bombing abyss mages instead of fish, venti finds himself weaving tunes of your valor and honor at the statue of—himself

he finds himself longing for you, loving you as if you were still by his side. he sings and sings, strumming his lyre so much that he hopes you can hear them from the heavens

and after—after he has made his and your mark on the newer generation, venti, the windborne bard, falls into a slumber

he sleeps. he sleeps in celestia in hopes of dreaming a dream with you. he sleeps in hope of finding you in a neverland so beautiful

he hopes that one day when he descends once more amongst his people—he hopes you will be there. just like the first time he met you.

— constellations!

[hyunjilicious]

I just read what is and what should never be and it was PHENOMENAL! I love everything you write anyway so I was wondering if you could do a small one where Bucky is alone and depressed and he calls yn because he feels lost and she is just there for him? No worries if you can't! I love you anyway ����

Omg!! You’re too sweet! I really wanted to do this one justice, but I suck at angst... I love you too!! and I’m sorry if this sucks!

Summary: after the events of Endgame, you and Bucky part ways. Even though you haven’t spoken in months, when he needs you, you’re there ANGST 2.2k

Warnings: overall angsty vibes. Sad Bucky. Idk depictions of depression I guess? shitty writing!

“You came” Bucky's surprised tone pulled you out of your thoughts.

Before saying anything else, you shook your head in disbelief. From certain points of view, he looked exactly the same as when you last saw him months ago, but if you looked past his rugged exterior, it was very easy to tell something was truly eating away at his heart.

“Of course I came” you frowned, “You called me”

“Thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore” Bucky mumbled.

You looked him up and down, thoroughly confused by his statement, but decided to keep the tone of the conversation from going too dark too fast. “Shut up, Barnes” you scoffed, “Don’t even joke about that.” A hint of a smile appeared at the corner of his lips, but it was forced, you could easily tell he wasn’t truly being himself. “What’s up?”

Bucky took a deep breath as if gathering the courage to word his thoughts. When his eyes met yours he flinched, the pain clouding his otherwise bright blue eyes. He started with a long sigh and a shake of his head but then, cringed as he finally spoke up. “I need help”

His confession went directly to the pit of your stomach. “What happened? Whatever it is, you got it, but what-”

“Nothing happened” Bucky stopped you, “I need help”

“I don’t understand”

“I need someone to-” he sighed, closing his eyes as his head fell forward in what could only be described as shame, “I need someone to talk to” and it was funny, considering he just walked out of his psychiatrist’s office. “Someone that’s not paid to listen to me” he added, “Someone who understands”

It was moments like these that you truly wished Steve was still here. Or Nat. Your best friends, yes, but they were the glue that held you all together, and now in their absence, you were all threatening to fall apart. 

But of course you’d be there for Bucky. Whatever he needed you were more than eager to provide, but at the same time, you were fully aware that your capabilities were limited. You didn’t lack the understanding or the experience, but you lacked the words. You had the sympathy, but not the advice he needed. But you were there. Like you have always been and always will be, so, that afternoon you ended up on his living room floor.

Surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol that had no effect on either of you whatsoever, you sat and listened to him rant his heart out until his throat couldn’t take it anymore. And then he broke down - completely. A full on mess, tears staining his cheeks as the temperature dropped in the room with every other pained groan he’d release. But he let it all out and the weight he had been carrying on his shoulder was unimaginable. There were too many things eating away at his heart, but the guilt was what kept him under its spell, what kept him up for the last months, what was physically destroying him.

“Y/n... “ he called for you, face hidden in his hands as he spoke, “I know you’re gonna say no, but-”

“No,” you stopped him, “Then don’t ask me”

“Please”

“No, Bucky” you sighed, grabbing his wrist so you could look him in the eyes, “If you already know it’s a bad idea, please don’t tell me because I’m afraid I’ll actually go through with it right now”

“But i can’t fucking sleep!” he cried out loud, falling back against the couch, arms propped up on his knees, “I keep having the same nightmares over and over again, and I can’t take it anymore”

“You don’t-” you took a deep breath, “You don’t want me to erase your mind, do you?”

The look in his eyes proved that that was exactly what he wanted. And the unshed tears that coated the otherwise pure and radiant blue of his eyes was almost enough to convince you.

“Please-” he begged, “I-”

“No, Buck” you shook your head and shuffled to face him properly, “As time passes, it’s only gonna get worse. The past will eventually catch up to you. You’ll want to know what you did”

He didn’t have it in him to fight you, so silence settled for a while. “You know sedatives don’t work on me?”

“I… never thought about it, but that makes sense”

Bucky gathered his lips into a tight line and nodded his head.

“Lady shrink isn’t of any help?” you asked.

“I have no clue what she’s doing” he shrugged, “Maybe it’s good in the long run, but fuck if I know how she expects me to make any kind of progress right now”

“You are, tho” you reassured him, “Making progress I mean”

“Am I?” Bucky laughed incredulously.

“Yes! You’re almost completely on your own feet. You really pushed through”

“Or maybe I’m just ignoring all of my problems”

“You just told me about them” you chuckled, and threw an arm over his shoulders.

Hesitatingly at first, he eventually leaned in into your hold, allowing himself to completely fall against your chest. “I hate this”

“I think that’s a given” you laughed, curling your fingers around the roots of his way too short hair. “A wise man once said that whenever someone acts like they have their shit together, they’re either lying or delusional”

“Who said that?”

“I don’t know” you confessed, “I saw that on the internet”

For the first time that night, you actually heard him laugh, and it sounded so good - it was short and weak, but it was sweet and honest. “That’s a pathetic attempt at cheering me up, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it” Bucky said as he pushed himself up.

“I wish I could do more” you mumbled, “But I don’t know what, or how, but-”

“Thank you”

“You don’t have to thank me, you know that” you smiled.

He didn’t know that. He’d never stop thanking you for even the smallest gestures. The day where Bucky would understand that kindness, in some cases, is a given, was far away, but you had the patience and determination to work for it.

As you talked and talked, and the topic of conversation kept shifting from one area to the other, the sun set, night settling outside his small windows. It was time for you to leave, and you would’ve done it, had he asked you not to at the last second.

You had your shoes on and one hand on the door handle, when he stumbled over his words, obviously too shy to properly hold his ground. “Actually can you- can you-” he mumbled, pointing to his couch, “Can you stay here tonight?”

And of course you did. The night didn’t last much longer after that, with Bucky settling on the floor, only a blanket to keep him company, and you sprawled out on the couch as silence settled.

But your mind was too busy to drift off. You knew his’ was too, but decided to refrain from speaking up, hoping to let him fall asleep, even for a short while.

It was loud inside your head. You always promised yourself you’d never intrude on someone’s thoughts and read through them without their approval, but you physically felt Bucky radiate energy, and your mind just slipped. But then, your heart almost stopped.

You saw yourself. You saw yourself slapping him back in Wakanda when he decided to go under ice again, you saw yourself moving a car out of his way back in Bucharest, when you risked your life for his because you trusted Steve that much, and because you were that good of a friend. You saw yourself at Tony’s funeral, eyes shiny with tears and then felt an almost uncontrollable urge to hug yourself - and then realised it wasn’t your urge, it was Bucky’s. At this point, your heart beat so fast you were actually afraid he’d hear it. But when goosebumps appeared all over your skin, you realised he couldn’t hear you, that he was asleep and that the nightmares started materializing. 

What convinced you to act on it was the sudden jerk of his body and the way to fully tensed instantly after. So, unable to just sit and watch, you rolled over to the side and allowed your hand to fall by his temple, little specks of light rolling off the tips of your fingers as you forced the thoughts away. Seconds later, you saw him relax and shift around, gathering the blanket he laid on to his chest as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

His relaxed form and the steady pace of his breathing put a smile on your face. But you made the mistake of thinking this was a one time thing, however, before you realised, you found yourself leaning over him again, ushering yet another wave of nightmares away. And it kept being an ongoing process until the sun rose, and you cursed yourself as you did not get one second of shut eye. But it was worth it. The sight of him finally resting, knowing he spent his night in his happy place that you this time did not intrude on, made up for your tiredness. 

When Bucky drifted out of his deep sleep, you figured it was safe to relax too. But knowing that if you went to sleep right now you wouldn’t wake up until noon, you stood up, determined to give him the full best friend experience.

But all you found in his kitchen was a box of stale cereal, a soft cucumber and candy wrappers. Had he not looked so adorable sleeping shirtless and curled into a ball on the floor, you would have woken him up yelling. But instead, you decided to order some food, and the simple fact that the sound of the delivery guy ringing the doorbell didn’t wake him up, actually terrified you. With a life like yours, no one sleeps that deeply, but then there he was, snoring away the late hours of the morning. 

By the time he finally stirred awake, the food was already cold, and you were bored out of your mind. “What- what time is it?” he mumbled, voice rich with sleep.

“A little bit past 2” you yawned from your spot on the couch.

“2 pm?” Bucky huffed, sitting up in a hurry and rushing to grab his phone. “What the-” he turned to you confused, “It’s 2pm…”

“Yeah” you sighed, “And the food is cold”

“Food?” Bucky gawked, looking over at the small table by the window, “You got food?”

“You didn’t have any” you defended yourself. You wanted to scold him for not taking better care of himself, but he looked so homey and cozy and vulnerable, that you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Eventually, you stood up and walked over to him. “I’ll let you eat, Buck, but I gotta go” you sighed, giving him a hug, “Got some stuff to do” you lied, by stuff meaning sleep, since you were exhausted.

“Yeah, of course” he mumbled in agreement, wrapping his arms around your frame, and bringing you closer. He sank his head into the crook of your neck, holding you to his chest for a moment longer than you would have considered friendly. But you didn’t complain, his hold was stern and loving, and you really needed that right now. “Thank you” Bucky added when he finally let you go. His right palm cupped your cheek as he looked down at you, awe and admiration in his eyes.

“Nothing to thank me for, Buck” you smiled, and then pulled away.

He silently watched you get ready to leave, following you around until you reached the door and turned around to say goodbye. And it was weird. Your heart boomed against your ribcage, and you didn’t have to read his thoughts to know he was feeling the same kind of nervous. And it may have been the one too many stories you read but you actually feared something was going to happen. Thankfully, it didn’t. Instead you shared another hug, and parted ways.

However, all you managed to do was reach the staircase before you heard his door open, followed by the sound of his bare feet sprinting down the hallway. “What are you-”

“Can you stay?” he asked, shaking from head to toe, “In New York I mean, can you please stay? Just a few more days”

“Well, I- yeah, I guess I can” you mumbled.

“I just, I need a few more days. You’re screwing my head back on, I just need you now. Steve is gone, and Sam is all the way in Louisiana and I hate phones and I-”

“Wow-” you laughed, “I’m not even the second choice, I’m the third?”

“Shut up, Y/n” Bucky frowned, “Stop being a smartass for a second”

“I’m sorry” you rolled your eyes, but he didn’t care.

In the blink of an eye, Bucky threw his arms around your shoulders and hugged you close, and you weren’t sure if the ‘I love you’ that echoed inside your mind had actually been spoken or just thought, but it was everything you never knew you needed.

[totiredtowrite]

Helloooo it's me again. So like- lately I've adopted the surprisingly hilarious phrase “Hey, hey, hey!” from Bokuto. Like sometimes I say it without thinking about it. This gave me an idea.

Bokuto and the team are practicing, and he misses a ball Akaashi tossed towards him. As per usual, he goes into emo mode. The reader (who was on the opposite side of the net doing who know what-) sees him being sad, and is like; ‘Hey, hey, hey! Be proud of the attempt! You did your best!’ Everyone (including Akaashi) claps for no reason. (Idk I just imagined it happening-) Boku stares at y/n, because he's just thinking: ‘did he really just say what I think he said??’

Lol- then this happens.

Akaashi and the team are chatting a bit after cleaning up, since they had some time left over. Out of nowhere, Akinori asks y/n how he deals with Bokuto, and y/n replies by telling him that he and Bokuto had been dating for quite some time. Bokuto just stands there, as red as the Nekoma team's jackets.

Geez this was long-

And it made no sense-

but take your time. 💜

And thanks for writing my first request. That was a pleasant thing to wake up to. 😊 (I woke up at like- 2 in the afternoon lmao rip my sleep schedule 💀)

– 🥑

Catchphrase

Warnings - Sad bokuto I guess

Note: Our sleep schedules are on the opposite end on the spectrum cause I usually wake up at like 2am, n e ways enjoy this avocado anon <3

Male Reader

Bokuto was loud.

That much anyone can tell just by looking at him. His eyes were always sparkly and determined, his overbearing energy dwarfing anyone who comes along, hell, even his hair stuck up.

And of course he kept that energy in the court.

You could see him hyping himself up in his head practically, all of his emotions are very clear on his face.

He took a deep breath, focusing on the set Akaashi just made, before running forwards. Just as the ball left Akaashi's hands, Bokuto jumped for it, his hand raising to spike it over the net and-!

He missed it.

His hand just barely brushed it, the lack of contact causing him to land awkwardly.

Bokuto's energy can go two ways. As he landed, he visibly deflated. The ball bounced twice before rolling off somewhere out of sight. It doesn't matter if he's happy or sad, anyone can just feel his emotions.

You were on the other side of the net practicing receives with Washio when you saw it. You had stood up straight to proudly smile at him after a perfect receive, when you caught sight of Bokuto on the other side of the net.

It isn't hard to tell when he was upset. His hair even gets sad somehow, and you can practically see the blue aura around him.

Akaashi rolled his eyes and patted Bokuto on the back before walking off to get the ball.

You huffed.

"HEY HEY HEY!" The mild chatter was disrupted by Bokuto's signature catchphrase, except it wasn't said the way he usually does. It was accusatory, almost angry, and most of all it came from you.

You had a finger pointed at Bokuto, your face twisted in some kind of aggressively motivational expression.

"You tried your damn best Bo! People mess up sometimes and you're not an exception! Just work through it and try again!" You advanced closer towards him, putting your finger down. Some of the team laughs and starts clapping, and Akaashi just sighs and palms his face.

Bokuto brightens up, nodding feverously. Your burst of motivation had him grinning to go get another volleyball, before stopping dead in his tracks. 'Did he just say what I think he said?'

~~~

"Okay cut the shit, how do you do it (y/n)?" Akinori turned to you, tossing a volleyball into a bin.

"Do what?"

"Bokuto! Only you can handle him without getting tired!" He opened his arms in an almost comical show of confusion.

He was right though. Even Akaashi got tired when it came to that giant ball of sunshine, yet somehow you managed to stay sane?

Neither of you noticed Bokuto bounding up behind you when you answered. "We've been dating since our second year," you said nonchalantly. "After a while you learn what makes him tick." Bokuto stopped behind you, going red.

You turned around. "Oh, hi Bo," you gave him a little smile and leaned (up/down/over) to kiss his cheek casually.

Bokuto just stood there with a red face, unmoving and flustered. "What's that about?" You laughed, "We kiss all the time."

Bokuto just shoved his head in his hands. The red blush was visible on his neck, so it wasn't completely hidden from the team.

Yes, Bokuto was loud, but only you could stun him to silence.

[sscoutregimentss]

i know we as a collective society believe in gamer! eren supremacy. and yes, this is a good take. however, may i introduce to you: normie/fuckboy/jock eren with gamer/nerd gf. thoughts under the cut (safe for work, pg-13, also slight snk spoilers for season 3 and up!)

see, eren isnt necessarily a fuckboy. in fact, hes very loyal! he doesnt really think that way about any girls or guys except you. but hes popular romantically and had a reputation for sleeping around before he met you (not that theres anything wrong with that but ya know word travels fast across campus). plus, cmon the dude is in a frat, super hot and has a tongue piercing. he cant blame anyone for thinking he is a fuckboy bc he exudes the energy.

you are kind of the complete opposite. you dont really enjoy parties and you keep to yourself. you're a total wreck when it comes to flirting and your kinda oblivious to whenever people like you. you dont have many friends and are a bigger fan of 2d people than 3d.

either way eren finds you so so so cute. he first approached you at one of his frat parties. your roommates convinced you to come after she said that someone (read: connie) had a dance dance revolution mat, but you kinda just stuck around in a corner staring at your cup once you lost them. he looks you up and down-- your outfit was pretty cute, a short plaid orange pleated skirt, dress shirt, orange cardigan and black beret laying neatly upon your head. and your face... he couldn't help himself but try to talk to you. you were really anxious because wahhh scary sports guy you dont know but he was kinda instantly comforting? in a way? and he was freaking pretty. he looked like a final fantasy character--long haired characters were your type. the rest was kind of history.

a lot of people are shocked when they find out your dating bc you two are so different (some people are surprise eren “dates” at all) but no one dares question your relationship when they see how much eren dotes on you. he has so many polaroids of you in his wallet-- from the many arcade dates you bring him on where you decimate him at almost every game, you awkwardly posing in the hentai section of bookstores, or just candids of you being intensely focused on a puzzle in a game. whenever you guys go out to eat and somethings wrong with your meal, he'll send it back (in a polite way, of course, but hes still assertive.) or if you buy like a figurine and its misisng something hes marching up to the cashier stand for you. he always has an arm around your waist or is holding is hand in yours. sometimes you just cling onto his arm and rest your head on it (hes comfy!!!!! and you are always tired) your both pretty clingy, but you get kinda awkward when you two are around people you know so he just kinda subtly holds you as to not make a scene. its nice. hes comfy.

youve got dual monitors, a pc you made yourself, rgb keyboard, the whole nine yards. all your consoles are up to date and you keep a handheld system on you at all times. you spend most your weekends watching anime and movies and tv shows and your shelves are piled high with books and comic books. eren literally does not understand any of it. when you told him you built your pc he goes "you made all those microchippy things? youre soooo smart babe". when you talk about some of your weirder or more complicated animes he nods along but honestly he gets so lost ("so like, lemme get this straight, the kids dad's wife ate his mom?" "yeah but like she was turned into a titan so she didn't realllllly know it was the dads wife, but like she literally walks past this titan shifter so i think she knew." "thats crazy.") and he will never understand the point of otome games when hes literally right there. he actually has a really bad habit of getting jealous of characters you have a crush on but you just find it funny. sometimes he gets an ego boost when they look like him because even if they look like him he is actually real so they can suck it.

hes rlly supportive tho. erens a rlly passionate person and he loves you a lot so he pours a lot of passion into what you do. if you are into esports/fps games hes cheers you on all the time and does all the raging for you ("BABE THAT GUY IS STREAM SNIPING! HES STREAM SNIPING YOU HEY ASSHOLE STOP CHEATING OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" "eren he cant stream snipe me because i dont stream" "oh i thought that just meant cheating"/"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?" "eren its okay i can just report him" "NO NO LET ME AT HIM IF HE WANTS TO CALL YOU A BITCH I CAN CALL HIM MUCH WORSE" "um guys im gonna mute my mic for a second if you need me text chat") if youre into cozy games he likes to watch you play and gives you ideas on where to put things. like in minecraft he makes you put a second bed for him even though he doesnt play and he helps you name all your pets. you get a little less intense with cozy games so you sit on his lap and he lets his hair down puts his head on your shoulder and points at where you should place stuff. he still rages though? this is eren jaeger we are talking about. ("aw, she wont move to my island." "WHAT? who does that little ugly squirrel think she is? you think youre too good for MY y/n's island? i'll shave your unibrow off. then we'll see what island will want you" "leave hazel alone! shes cute!"/"dude that hamster guy with the glasses looks like armin" "graham? what? armin doesnt even wear glasses" "no no look at it more" "oh shit youre right") rpgs/otome games are kinda a wild card with how he acts. if its an otome game and the character looks like him he is more into helping you out because it reaffirms to him that you find him good looking but otherwise he is just sulking and calling them annoying ("princess y/n... i know im just a servant, but i want to be with you forever!" "pft. get a load of this guy. clingy much?" "its romantic! youre jealous.")

one of his favorite things to do with you is cuddle and watch anime. usually he lies his face on your thighs or chest while watching and you play with his hair or he holds you in his chest and you play with one of his hands while the other goes behind his head. he grew up on some of the classics like naruto sailor moon one piece pokemon and dbz but he never got super into it until he started dating you. you put him on to soooo many good shows (cartoons, anime, and live action) hes both a crier and he is a get-angrier(?). he gets mad on characters behalfs and you have to pause the show so he can rant about how annoying someone is or he feels so bad for someone so he has to take a minute because hes tearing up. he likes slice of life anime because the friendships <3 theyre so wholesome and they remind him of him armin and mikasa but he also likes shounen because it is entertaining to watch fights. he gets really into them actually. he also has this really bad habit of whenever there is a character with no parents or a dead mom he goes "oh same" or "welcome to the club buddy" under his breath. when theres a cute couple in an anime you both like guys get matching keychains of them unless one of them dies because he thinks its bad luck. his favorite animes are haikyuu, your lie in april and code geass.

you are equally supportive of erens volleyball career. you know all the rules because sports anime and you actually find yourself really liking it in 3d as well (it is lacking in bromance and screaming but you let it slide). you go to all his games and he always texts you before his practices. has a habit of kissing you before games and one day after he kisses you go "gg ez win" as a JOKE but then they like decimate their long time rival marley university and get into nationals (is that a thing for volleyball idk sports) so hes convinced its because you did your "gamer magic". now every time after getting his good luck kiss he interlocks your pinkies and you go "gg ez win" and he goes “yes.” because to this day he doesnt know what it means (he thinks googling it is like breaking the magic)

okay im gonna stop while im ahead BECAUSE I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I MIGHT JUST GO AHEAD AND WRITE SOME ONESHOTS....

[suchalonelysunflower]

Be Alright (l.h)

Pairing: Luke Hemmings x Fem!Reader

Requested: Yes!

Summary: You go on tour with Luke and the boys for the first time, but things don’t go as planned as you try to fit in.

Warnings: Angst with Fluff. Anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem. Language. Hostility. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word count: 6.9 k

Author’s Note: This fic takes place after the pandemic. It deals with anxiety and panic attacks, but please remember that the symptoms as well as what the person experiences it’s always different, this is just how I see and experience these cases. Please, if you want to learn more about them get informed by a reliable source. Remember that Reblogs, Comments, Likes and Feedback are much appreciated and you don’t know how much it helps me! ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🌻🦋✨

My materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

Picture taken from Pinterest

@theshyspy : (...) So I was wondering if you could write something with Luke or cal (whoever feels most natural?) where the reader just gets really anxious and he takes care of her and calms her down? maybe making sure she eats and/ or drinks enough, that she gets some rest, perhaps he sings for her? Idk just some fluff🤷🏼‍♀️ (It’s totally ok if you don’t want to, or don’t feel comfortable writing it !! I know it can be triggering for some people so just leave it if it bothers you in any way!!🙆🏼‍♀️💕)

The feeling of an ice-cold touch shook you out of your dreamless sleep. You nearly jumped out of your seat before remembering where you were and what you were doing.

The light came through the small window, illuminating your seats and the small aisle that separated you from your friends. The air conditioner was turned off and you made a mental note to thank Luke later, he knew how cold you get on these travels.

Speaking of “Why are your hands so damn cold?!” You scolded your boyfriend as you rub your eyes, trying to wake up and steady your heartbeat from the scare you just got.

Luke just pressed his lips in a thin line, not wanting to laugh at your sudden reaction but also not to smile like an idiot due to your sleepy state. Even after a 15-hour flight you still looked cute as hell in his eyes.

“Sorry, love,” He said with a smile once you looked at him “I was having a drink, and then came time to wake you up. I didn’t notice my hands were cold”

You murmured some gibberish close to an ‘okay’ and yawned “How long was I out?”

Luke cringed “20 minutes”

“What?!”

It was no surprise, you could never sleep well in places that were not a proper bed. You didn’t want to think about how it would be like to sleep in a bunk next to your six-foot-four Australian boyfriend.

“I thought I slept longer” You pouted “Although it didn’t feel like much”

“Another bad dream?” He asked, placing his head on your shoulder as he intertwined his fingers with yours, slowly playing with them.

“A lack thereof, actually,” You said, yawning again “But don’t worry, I’ll sleep when we get to the hotel”

Luke smiled and brought your hands to his lips, softly placing a kiss on your knuckles as you cuddled next to him.

Your heart was beating loud and you hoped he wouldn’t notice, or if he did then he did not say anything and you were grateful. It was stressful enough to travel on tour for the first time and to know that you might bring him down with your anxious overthinking was not doing great with you.

Luckily, your mind grew quiet as Calum popped his head from the seat in front of you.

“Excited for your first tour?” He asked with a grin. He looked brand new, and as you looked around you realized they all do. For a moment there you had to remind yourself that this is what they do for a living.

“Mmh hmm” You hummed, head still placed over Luke’s while you played with his hair “Kinda nervous, though” You admitted.

“Why?” This time it was Ashton the one who asked, popping his head from the seats next to yours as he joined the conversation “It’s going to be fun! Like a big road trip” He chuckled.

“Yeah but-” Your voice was cut out by the pilot who announced over the speakers your arrival at the airport.

You thought about sharing your fears with the boys, given that this was your first time flying across the world with them you didn’t exactly know what to expect and you were scared to find that out in the worst situations. But then, how could they know? After all, how much pressure could they have when they pretty much secured the love of everyone? You, however, were just the girlfriend and it almost felt like you have to earn that place on tour.

The fans will be looking at them but criticizing you. It’s not like it would be your first time dealing with it since you went public with your relationship, God knows it’s not easy dealing with that But it won’t be just them this time, there’s also the paparazzi, the crew, the boys themselves even if they don’t notice; they are all expecting you to be ready and up for it, perfect all the time. Not to mention the stress of traveling and the schedules, the jet lag and the-

Once again your thoughts were put on pause before you could finish overthinking them as you felt Luke shake next to you. You met his gaze but he was looking to the side, trying hard to stiffen his laughter as Ashton dropped an ice cube into Michael's back under his shirt, waking him up with a jump and a mix of curses.

You shook your head and laughed along with them. You should be thankful for having them, after all, they are your friends and they could help you manage all of those pits of anxiety that started to grow. Anything could happen on this tour and, at least you know that you won’t be bored.

Luke helped you with your carry-out and let you walk in front of him, all while placing his hands on the sides of your waist and walking -or actually more like waddling along with you. You giggled as he placed his head on top of yours, making it difficult to walk for the both of you but he wasn’t going to let go. That’s one of the things you love about him; he is never afraid to show his affection and be close to you, almost in a protective manner. You feel safe with him and you know the feeling is mutual.

You laughed with the rest of the boys as you made your way to claim your luggage, joking around and teasing each other much to the annoyance of the other passengers. You felt how Luke’s chest rumbled with laughter, and in the few quiet moments, you got while waiting for your bags he managed to hold you closer and press little kisses around your forehead and cheeks, making you giggle in his tight embrace. You almost forgot how tired you were from the flight.

Almost. But your body had a different plan.

As your bags were taking their sweet time, you could hear the distant voices of the boys drifting away from you. Slowly, you began to drift away too, your eyelids becoming heavy as you struggled to stay up. Soon enough, the notices became a light buzzing sound inside your head.

“Y/N?” Luke asked as he felt you become heavier on his grip “Baby?” He looked down at your face and saw you fight to get your eyes open and failed to do so as they kept shutting without your permission.

He cringed as he saw your tired face, knowing that he was once again tasked with the job of waking you up. If it were up to him, he would’ve carried you in his arms all the way to the van just for you to get some sleep. But it was common for them for fans to welcome them in the airport accompanied by some paparazzi who tried to get a bad shot out of them and, despite his wishes for you to be completely rested and healthy, he needed to wake you up.

“Y/N, are you alright, love?” He asked whispering in your ear, rubbing his hands up and down your arms hoping that in that way he could somehow share some of his energy with you.

You quickly came back to your senses once you felt Luke’s arms leave your waist and hold you by your shoulders and elbows. A red flush covered your face as you realized where you were standing -and almost falling, asleep.

“Y-yeah,” You said, standing up straight as you pull away from his hold, somehow trying to prove your point “I’m just-“

“Tired. Yeah, it’s okay” Luke reassured you as he came closer and wrapped you in his arms by the waist “I was just like you when I experienced my first jet lag. It will go away”

You scoffed “Yeah? In how long?”

“In like four months when we get home” He teased, immediately bursting into laughter when he saw you glare at him.

You slightly punched his chest, mocking anger. But soon enough you found yourself laughing along “I think I just need to eat something”

Luke stopped laughing, replacing his smile with a concerned gaze “Didn’t you eat on the plane?”

“I couldn’t. I tried to eat while you were asleep, but my stomach just rejected the food so I chose to wait until we were on land”

Luke shook his head and was about to say something when Calum interrupted him to give you both your bags.

“Those were the last ones,” He said “We need to get going”

Luke nodded as he watched him walk away, turning to you once he was out of sight.

You could feel his worried stare, but you just smiled at him as you placed your hand on his cheek “Don’t worry love. I can buy something from here and then eat some real food at the hotel if that would make your worries go away”

He just sighed and nodded. You smiled reassuringly at him and brought him closer to peck his lips “Love you”

“Love you, too,” He said with a love fool grin “Ready to start the tour?” He asked excitedly.

You nodded enthusiastically as you grabbed his hand and started walking along with him towards the gates, feeling ready to face up anything.

Well, you weren’t ready to face up to what ensued.

As soon as those gates opened you were bombarded with flashes of cameras and screams from thousands of people.

Fans were gathered outside the airport gates, waiting for their favorite band to arrive. Of course, this led to the paparazzi being there as well, waiting to get an inside scoop of the boys’ first arrival on their world tour after the pandemic.

There were too many people for you to be able to see more than three meters in front of you. All of them were shouting Luke’s name as he tried to make his way out of there and lead you to safety.

You lifted your gaze and saw how he was smiling at the fans, waving with his free hand as his grip on your hand became tighter. Strangers were approaching the both of you very quickly, pushing their way to the front as they asked and demanded a picture of an autograph.

Your personal space was becoming smaller and smaller as they pushed through you, trying to separate you from your boyfriend’s grip. They bumped your shoulder and kicked your sides with elbows and frantic arms. You felt your voice getting drowned out as you called for Luke, hoping that he could hear you over the commotion and come help you out.

It all happened so fast. Luke let go of your hand by accident for just one second as he tried to look back at you. His heart shattered as he struggled to find your eyes in the crowd of pleas and flashing cameras “Y/N?!” He called, trying to appear calm in front of those strangers, but on the inside he was desperate, kicking himself over and over for ever letting go of your hand.

And then, he heard it “Luke!”

Your eyes were wide and filled with tears as people pushed through you to get to him. His eyes filled with regret as he sucked on a breath and walked towards you, easily making his way back as all of the people who were standing there stepped aside to let him through. No one pushed him, no one yelled at him for stepping into their place. No one dared to disrespect him as they disrespected you.

In a matter of seconds, Luke was standing in front of you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you closer to him. You felt like you could breathe again.

“You okay?” He asked, mumbling as he kissed your head. You heard the faintest “aww” coming from the fans witnessing this little gesture and confusing with something cute instead of what it was: he was shielding you from them, protecting you while comforting you the best he could. Yet, all you could hear was Luke’s beating heart as you hid your face in his chest.

“Let’s get out of here,” Luke said, tensing his whole body as he pulled you to the side, not letting go of his grip to your waist as you walked rapidly towards the exit.

You both ignored the calls and flashed from your surroundings. You could feel your breathing becoming heavier as you tried to keep up with his steps, not really relaxing until you saw the van’s door opening and Calum making space for the both of you.

You jumped inside the car and Luke quickly followed, closing the door and letting out a breath he was holding.

“So…” Ashton said, breaking the silence after they drove away “That was fun. Nothing like a little chaos to start the tour”

For the first time in your life, you wanted to punch his face. Your heart was still beating loudly inside your chest and they were all so calm. It truly seemed like they didn’t care that you just went through one of the scariest experiences of your life.

Yeah, you know you might be exaggerating. But it’s your first flight with the boys, first time in a foreign country, first time with a multitude of fans and photographers where they all pushed you to get to your boyfriend. And they were all fine? Like it wasn’t a big deal? And they say it was fun?

The chattering continued, all three of them talking about the fans they saw and how they reacted to them. Joking around and teasing each other for various reasons. No one noticed how your hands were shaking or how you didn’t say a word since you got up in the car.

You tried to steady your breath and to hide your hands somewhere until they were cool. You still feel a sting where one girl elbowed you, knowing it might leave a bruise. You tried to close your eyes and think about nice things to get you off your mind for a while, but all you could see was how Luke drifted away from you, going farther and farther as you lost sight of him; and no matter how hard you yelled his name, your voice was drowned and lost among all the others.

The tears started to pick up in your eyes and you held them back as hard as you could. You needed to be strong, this is just the first stop of the tour and you needed to toughen up if you want to keep up. You just hoped you could do it before anyone noticed it.

Luke was sitting beside you, not participating in the conversation of his bandmates, but rather he was looking at you and how your leg bounced up and down in a rapid motion.

He knew your mind must be going ten miles per hour at this moment. You weren’t used to this whole lifestyle and for that to be your first experience must be nerve-wracking. He wished he could just erase all those bad feelings and bring you the comfort you deserve.

“Hey,” He finally said, softly enough for you to hear as he leaned closer to you. Your eyes quickly snapped in his direction, finding some kind of peace in his baby blue eyes “Are you okay?”

He knew the answer was no, but he also knew you would never admit that, so it was no surprise when you smiled at him and nodded. Only this time the smile didn’t reach your eyes like they always do.

“You know just… a bit tired, that’s all,” You said, not wanting to worry him. But it was a little bit late for that and you noticed that the instant he furrowed his brows and gave you the ‘I know you’re lying’ look.

“Are you sure? Because that out there was pretty crazy and-“

“I’m fine, Luke” You reassured him, scooting closer to him and leaning against his frame. He immediately rounded his arm around your shoulder and started drawing circles on your skin with his thumb “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I just need you close for a while, is that okay?”

Luke sighed and held you tighter “Yeah, of course, love. Whatever you need. You should try to get some sleep, I’m sorry we couldn’t buy you anything to eat back in the airport”

You look around you. All the boys were singing and joking around, not paying attention to you and Luke; making it difficult for you to just drift back to sleep.

“No, don’t worry. I’m okay. I’ll eat and sleep when we get to the hotel”

You watched the scenery pass by as the car drove you to your destination. You tried to focus on the conversations going around you, but you were too distracted by the beauty of it all.

It amazed you how after such a scary experience could come such comfort; you were surrounded by your best friends and your lover, experiencing new things and memories you knew you needed to treasure forever.

From time to time you could feel Luke staring at you, almost like he wanted to make sure you were okay and you would reassure him with soft smiles and little pecks on the cheeks as the other guys reminisced about their previous times abroad.

Suddenly, the car came to a stop and you found yourselves parked in a huge parking lot. You looked at Luke with a confused expression and he did the same. You didn’t know where you were.

“Uh, why are we stopping?” He asked as Calum and Ashton opened their doors and stepped out of the van.

“Because we are here?” Michael asked, not getting his friend’s confusion.

“This is the hotel?” You asked.

“This is the venue…” Michael said, pulling a lever so he could push Calum’s seat out of the way and step outside “We are not going to the hotel till tonight”

“What?!” Luke half asked, half yelled.

“Yeah, dude. We’re behind schedule so we need to do a quick soundcheck and then hop in the car and go do a couple of interviews in radio stations… did you not read the email?”

Luke facepalmed himself “No…” He lamented as he rubbed his face with the palm of his hand, then he looked at you with apologetic eyes “Oh my god, Y/N. I’m so sorry, love”

“It’s okay, Luke” It was not okay, you really wanted to take a nap and a shower before the show. But you couldn’t have avoided this at any cost and it wasn’t his fault at all, so there was no need to bring him down because of this.

“No! Of course, it’s not okay. You need to rest and eat a proper meal. This is it fair to you and I’m so sorry”

You could tell that he was kicking himself inside his head and you hated to see him all worked up and anxious. It broke your heart to see him so frustrated with himself.

Your palms cupped his face and made him look at you “Luke, baby. It’s fine, I promise. It will be fun! Plus, I can always nap on the couch” But he didn’t look conceived at all “I’ll be fine”

He sighed “Promise you will eat something there? And drink some water?”

You nodded with a smile “I promise. Now go! You have a soundcheck to kill” You winked at him and pecked his lips before jumping out of the van.

“What would I do without you?”

*

After the quick soundcheck, the boys changed clothes and got ready for an afternoon filled with interviews and quick appearances. It was going to be a wild ride, so you opted out of staying in the venue until they got back.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Luke asked for the tenth time.

“Of course she will!” Intervened Ashton “She’s Y/N/N, she can take care of herself”

You rolled your eyes at him and stared back at your boyfriend “I’ll be fine, love. I’ll just stay right here and maybe I’ll take a nap”

“And you know where the catering room is?”

You certainly didn’t, but he didn’t need to know that right now. You would manage well enough.

“Yes, dad” You teased

“Y/N!” Luke mocked a shocked expression “Not in front of the boys!”

You scoffed and lightly pushed him in the chest “You pig! Not everything has to be dirty!”

“You started it!”

“Go!” You laughed, kissing him one last time “Give your fans some content”

You saw the four of them walk through the door and you let out an exhausted breath. This is the first time you allowed yourself to relax since you boarded the plane almost 24 hours ago and you were beyond tired at this point.

How did they do it? Fly across the world and still look like superstars, what kind of deal did they make, and with whom?

You looked around the green room, your eyes landing on your reflection. You physically cringed at the image in front of you; dark heavy bags rested under your eyes and your hair, although pulled back, seemed oily and tangled in knots; your clothes had wrinkles in them and you seriously regretted sending your luggage directly to the hotel, leaving you with this shirt, a hoodie, and your black jeans.

A sigh escaped your lips as you tried to think of nice things; things that would keep your mind out of overthinking every single detail that has gone wrong since the minute you left home. How were you supposed to prove that you belong on the tour if you couldn’t even handle the first day? You needed to gain your energy back before the guys came back, and what better medicine than a little nap?

You moved Ashton’s heavy bag from one corner of the couch and laid on your back, but the awaited relief never came. You tossed and turned in different positions, hissing every time the warm leather glued itself to your skin only for it to be peeled off with every movement.

The sounds from outside of the room grew louder as the crew hurried to put everything in its place on time for the show. People were running in and outside the green room, not paying attention to you laying on the couch trying to find an ounce of sleep as they focused on their tasks.

You don’t know how long it’s been and, honestly, you’re afraid to ask. It was clear that you were not going to get any sleep here, not while everyone’s acting frantic because of a scheduling mishap and not while your mind is still preoccupied trying to keep up instead of relaxing as Luke told you to do.

You tried one last time to get at least a five-minute nap, but it was almost impossible. You opened your eyes with a groan and got up, so frustrated that you didn’t even feel the burn on your skin when you separated yourself from the uncomfortable couch.

The second your feet touched the ground and you lifted yourself on your feet, everything started to spin. You felt how your blood seemed to have disappeared from your body, leaving only a carcass that couldn’t stand for itself, making you fall on your ass back into the couch.

You felt nauseous, but the growling in your stomach reminded you that you haven’t eaten in all day. You had to eat something before you passed out, but the mere thought of eating made you feel even dizzier if that was possible.

You counted to ten, ignoring the way your head pounded with loud warnings and stood up. It took you a few seconds to find your balance again, but once you started walking you felt like you couldn’t stop.

You got out of the room, not really knowing where the catering was but you were determined to get there. You couldn’t let Luke and the rest see you like that, so weak and pathetic. It’s just day one and you are already passing out? How stupid is that!

The loud bangs in your head increased with every step you took, soon becoming voices that screamed inside your mind, drowning every ounce of clarity you might have; turning to the right and then to the left, then to the end of the hallway and back to the right. Did you even know where you were going?

Did you even know why you were here?

It was bound to happen, sooner or later, that Luke would ask you to accompany him on tour. Bet he is regretting that decision now. You tried, you really tried to be the supporting girlfriend, but how could you be of any support when you were the one who needed it? He didn’t come here to be your nanny and yet all he’s done is worry about you! You should be able to take care of yourself, yet you can’t even do that for him.

What a terrible girlfriend you were. He will surely break up with you and send you back home on the next flight. He didn’t need this kind of energy, this cloud of darkness you were becoming, ready to drown out his light with your problems. If only you could do better for him. For Luke.

Luke, the simple thought of him brought you to the brink of tears. You loved him so much, so much that it hurt to love him yet at the same time it was the best comfort in the world just to be standing by his side. You wanted to be by his side and never let go, but you were pushing away from him. Your mind and meaningless needs were separating you from him, telling you that he deserves someone better, more equipped to handle the lifestyle you weren’t ready for.

He is the brightest star in the universe and you are just a firefly, trying hard to be something you’d never be and everyone can see it. The fans see it, the media sees it and even your friends will someday. They will realize that you were nothing more than a girl who just hoped she could be enough but ended up becoming one more burden to carry with.

You couldn’t survive out here, not right now, and not without Luke. You are falling and you feel like if you stay you might drown him with you. You were disappointing him right now, pacing around the-

Where the fuck were you?

The voice inside your head died down as you didn’t recognize the place where you were standing.

You were supposed to be on your way to catering, and you were… but you didn’t know where it was and now you don’t know where you are.

Great.

The screams of the fans reverberated through the walls of the narrow hallway, you only now realize that the doors must be open and the show is about to start. You brought a hand to your back pocket, thinking about calling Luke and telling him your situation and asking him how to get to where they were. But your pockets were flat and your phone was nowhere to be seen, you must’ve left it in the greenroom.

“Fuck!” You yelled, voice hoarse from not having drunk anything since this morning. You looked to your left and there was just a blank wall staring back at you with no way out. You thought about going back, but you weren’t paying attention to where you were heading, so you risked the fact of getting more lost before someone could find you.

Fuck it.

You turned around and started walking, faster and faster. You were almost jogging through the deserted hallways trying to find your way back. You were panicking with every turn, every curve. To the right, then left, then a left, and a right again. You could hear the faintest riff of a guitar, so you speed up your pace. Your exhaustion had nothing compared to the fear in the pit of your stomach, you needed to get back. You needed to be there for Luke, to find your way back.

The desperation you held inside made you ignore the tears that were spilling out of your eyes without permission. You didn’t want to be alone anymore in a place you don’t know. You are sure your mind is playing tricks on you, making the hallways longer and the seconds everlasting, constantly repeating in your head how you were nothing more than a little lost girl who was playing something she shouldn’t. Something she wouldn’t ever be.

People passed you as you turned around corners, your heart beating loud as you recognized some faces from the crew, getting closer and closer to where you were supposed to be.

And finally, you arrived.

You let out a breath, you didn’t know if it was from relief or just a way to drown out the sob that was threatening to come out. You made a move to open the door but you noticed your hands were shaking. A cold feeling ran through your body, making you shiver as you wiped your sweaty palms on the front of your jeans. You were so close but why did you feel so far away? Drifting and drifting further and further….

What was happening?

“Y/N?”

You heard your name being called by a familiar voice. You lifted your head and saw Michael standing at the door of the green room, his eyes scanning you carefully. You swore you could see a hint of fear in them. He quickly moved out of the way, opening the door wider so you could step in.

You lifted your gaze, your teary eyes meeting Luke’s as he stood in the middle of the room, pacing back and forward with his phone in his hand, gripping it so tightly you thought it might crack.

“There you are!” He said, pressing a button on his screen. He was smiling, relief visible on his features as his eyes took you in “I’ve been looking for you, the opening band already started playing and- Y/N?”

Suddenly, everything stopped. Luke’s eyes denoted fear as he saw you collapse to your knees the moment you stepped into the room. He saw everything happen in slow motion: the way you wrapped your arms around your stomach; the shaking of your entire frame as you let out a heavy breath mixed with a sob; and the tears in your eyes as you tried to make sense of what was happening to you.

He acted fast. In one swift move, he was kneeling in front of you, taking you in his arms as he pulled you closer to his chest “She’s having a panic attack!” He said, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, but none of his friends moved as they were still shocked by the image of you falling into the ground.

“Michael!” He called, remembering that people act better in an emergency if given direct orders “Go find a doctor. Ashton, bring her something to eat. And Calum, find water and soda. She’s dehydrated and needs some sugar”

All three of them didn’t think twice before jumping out of their seats and running through the halls to find those things for you. But you couldn't hear any of that.

“I’m sorry,” You cried, over and over again “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Shh, love” Luke cooed, lifting you and sitting back down on the couch, placing you on his lap as he rocked you back and forwards “It’s okay love. Nothing to be sorry for, I’m here. I’m here”

You kept crying into his chest, struggling to breathe as every sob seemed to tear your throat in two. You knew Luke was touching you, but you couldn’t feel his hands anywhere as you shook through your cries.

“Baby- Y/N, listen to me. Okay?” He said with a calming voice, completely contrasting how he was feeling inside “Listen to my voice, baby. Breathe with me, okay? One,” He inhaled deeply, his finger tracing a line up your back so you could follow him “Two” He exhaled, bringing his finger down “Good, do that again, please? One, two”

He was trying so hard not to panic along with you. Seeing you so frail in his arms made his heart break into a million pieces. He didn’t know what was going on in your mind or why or what you were apologizing for. All he knows is that he would do anything not to hear your broken cries again, so desperate and hopeless. He would do anything to make sure you are alright and safe.

You imitated Luke’s breathing pattern as close as you could. Breathing in and out every time he asked until you could feel his finger running up and down your spine, his touch finally bringing some comfort to your body and mind as they recognized him. They recognized home.

Your cries died down the moment Michael stepped through the door accompanied by a nurse, Ashton, and Calum who all brought some type of food and drink to lay down on the table.

Luke made some space so the nurse could sit down next to you, but he never once let go of you or stopped moving his finger on your back. He needed you to know that he was still here and he was not going anywhere.

“She seems good,” The nurse said after quickly giving you a check-up “It was just a panic attack. You did well in calming her down” He said to Luke, giving him a pat on the back “I’m gonna leave here some pills for her to take once she eats and drinks something, these will help with the body ache and headache she will feel later and also will help her sleep”

The four men thanked the nurse as Michael closed the door again. All eyes were fixed on you as you rested your head on Luke’s shoulder, eyes closed as your breathing became even and lighter again.

“Is that-? Is that a half-eaten burger?” Calum asked, pointing to the table filled with foods and drinks, and breaking the silence that had set upon them.

“I panicked!” Ashton answered.

“Could you guys give us a moment, please?” Luke asked, eyes never leaving your face as he held you closer. His friends nodded and walked out of the room, leaving the two of you alone.

“I’m sorry, bub,” You said, voice broken and soft.

You slowly opened your eyes and suddenly felt like crying again when you met Luke’s gaze. Surprised at the fact that he didn’t seem angry; all you could see in his eyes was a relief.

“Why are you sorry, love?” He asked, voice as soft as yours as he caressed your cheeks with the back of his free hand “You have nothing to apologize for. These things happen and we can’t really avoid them”

“No,” You said, pushing away from him as you separated from his lap and went to sit on the spot next to him.

Luke’s heart broke at your actions, but it completely shattered when he saw the tears picking up in your eyes again.

“I’m sorry for ruining everything” Your voice broke as you started talking “I’m sorry for being one more burden in this tour that hasn’t even started yet. Look at me! Not even a day in and I’m already falling apart! This is not what you expected of me, Luke and don’t try to deny it. I’ve disappointed you, the band, myself-”

“You did not do such a thing” He tried to say, but you weren’t listening.

“Maybe I’m not meant for this” Your words took his breath right out of his mouth, he didn’t like where this conversation was going “Maybe I’m better off at home. At least there I’m not embarrassing myself in airports or with your fans or with your bandmates and crew- I want to be someone you would be proud of but all I do is overthink every little thing that I forget the rest. I tried so hard to keep up, to prove to you and the others and even myself that I could belong here on tour; that I could live this life with ease as you all do and I just keep failing everyone. I love you, Luke. But I can’t stand the thought of slowing you or pulling you down with me, and you don’t deserve to be tied up with some mess like me-”

Your words were cut off by Luke’s lips clashing with yours. It took you a minute to respond and kiss him back, letting all your worries slip away for only one minute. Only one minute where you could pretend that everything was alright.

Luke pulled away first, placing his forehead against yours “You uplift me, Y/N”

“What?”

He cupped your cheeks, making you look at him as he spoke with such care and love.

“You could never bring me down, you are the one keeping me above the water, my love. I deserve to be with you as much as you deserve to be right here with us”

“Luke-”

“It’s my fault,” He said with a sad voice, you opened your mouth to say something but he beat you to it “Don’t try to deny it, Y/N. It’s true. I should’ve prepared you more for what was coming instead of throwing you into the lion's den without a single warning. I knew from the moment I saw your face in the crowd back at the airport that I had failed you, not the other way around. But you stayed, you pulled through and told me that it was okay when it clearly wasn’t. Y/N, you are stronger than any of us and much more caring and loving… I’m so proud of you and that I get to call you to mine that sometimes I can’t even believe it”

He carefully wiped a tear from your cheek, his heart fluttering with joy at seeing you smile back at him “I love you. And if you say that you are not ready for this, then I will book you a flight tonight. I don’t want to see you in pain, my love, even if you try to hide it. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the one who breaks you” He took a moment, thinking over his words “But if you decide to stay. I promise you I will make every single minute of it worth it. I’ll protect you better. I’ll do my best to take care of you the same way you take care of me. You’re my angel, Y/N. And I need you close”

Tears were falling down your eyes again as you pulled him closer into a hug. Luke quickly swung your legs over his lap and held you as tight as he could, almost fearing that you would slip off his embrace if he ever let you go.

You could hear him mumbling something as he rocked the two of you back and forwards again, this time to comfort you both. You pulled your head slightly from his chest so you could hear him better, he was singing the words from “Still”, your favorite Niall Horan’s song.

”Oh, we'll be alright

Oh, it'll be alright”

You always loved when he sang to you, always bringing you the sense of peace you so much needed.

But as you cuddled closer you noticed that not only was he singing, but you could also hear the guitar, the melody, the crowd…

Luke noticed your confusion and chuckled “I asked the opener to cover this song for us; for you. Wanted to surprise you on your first day”

You swore your smile couldn’t get bigger if you tried. Your eyes filled with tears as you chuckled “Well,” You said, sniffing as you knocked your forehead to his “I can’t wait to see what other surprises you got for the rest of the tour”

Luke’s eyes sparkled with the happiness of a little boy on Christmas day “You’re staying?”

You nodded “As long as you want me to”

“Forever, then” He smiled before connecting your lips with his once again. Letting go of all your worries, for all you could feel was love.

*

The concert was going great. You were convinced this was their best show up to date, but you were saying that since the tour began two months ago.

Luke stayed true to his promise of making everyday worth it. Although you knew that every day that you woke up next to him, whether it was in a bunk or a plane or a hotel bed, that it was worth more than enough. You were home, wherever you went, as long as you had him.

You smiled, laughed, and danced along with the songs on your side of the stage, looking proudly at your boyfriend who lived to do what he loved. But your favorite moment of the night was this; seconds before he started their next song, he would look for your eyes backstage and once he’s found you, he would smile at you and say.

“This is ‘Lover of mine’, everyone. Sing with your heart”

*

Tags : @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @sarcasticallywitty15 @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @notinthesameguey @bubblegum18 @myloverboyash @nicebasscalum @calumspupils

[syuga-s]

just another night

w.c 5.2k

pairing. Seungsik x gn!reader

genre. fluff, friends in love

a/n. lmao, I can't believe I'm here again after 5 MONTHS, and basically, I'm here again bc Seungsik has been living in my head like a cute lil parasite for weeks. i truly love this man and I just had to write something very self-indulgent,,, ALSO i know I'm very late for valentine's, tried to post this like 2 weeks ago but look where we are (and warnings?) mentions of alcohol, moderate consumption nothing extreme, also alcohol preparation? the word sex is there, food is mentioned too, nothing crazy i swear

You and Seungsik have been friends since high school. It’s been about 10 years since you’ve been in each other's life. You’re always texting each other, even if you don’t see often. He’s your best friend. You’ve fallen into a comfortable friendship when you see each other every other month. When you both feel it’s been too long, and you need to catch up with your lives. It wasn’t until two days after Valentine's Day that it occurred to you that you hadn’t asked him what he did on that day. Unfortunately, you had your own little love “trouble” that you forgot to ask him about his day. The reason is, that your ex hasn’t left you alone for months.

He’s been begging you nonstop to go out with him. Telling you he’s changed, that he wants to treat you better for once. You know they’re just easy words. But the part of you that feels great when you’re with him would like to believe everything he says.

“I want to take you out to dinner” “I intend to keep knowing you, please don’t shut me out” “We can go to the movies, for coffee, you name it” “Please let me see you again”

It’s so funny how you may have wanted this years ago. And now, when it’s actually happening, him telling you everything you wanted to hear. You ended up falling for it. Despite not wanting to be in a relationship with him anymore, you finally caved in to his pleads, and it’s like he shifts into someone else every time we get to this point.

This time his text said, “what are we supposed to do on a Thursday?” idk bro, everything? Anything? BE TOGETHER LIKE YOU WANTED? “I guess you could come watch anime? i mean if you want” By no means I’m saying it’s a bad idea but, why does it only have to come to that EVERY time?

Whatever you have with him is difficult. Your love life (or lack thereof) is beyond hard, for sure. Feelings are difficult. So, your head has been on that topic for a few days because he asked you out for the 14th, and you couldn’t even muster up the energy to answer him.

You just wanted to see your best friend.

When you texted Seungsik on Wednesday night, you finally asked him if he had an eventful Valentine's Day. And when his reply was, “i didn’t do much, had a lot of work”, you immediately knew he was upset.

Now you needed to call him. He picked up at the first ring. Before anything, you spoke, “what happened with Sol? tell me everything.” He groaned, apparently not wanting to discuss it, but he knew you knew something had happened, and he clearly had to let it out.

“They were avoiding me, they barely wanted to go out on dates, always busy with who knows what, so when I wanted to plan something for valentine’s they simply said no. Obviously, I got upset, we got into an argument, and you know how that ends.”

While you were listening to him, you suddenly came up with a plan.

“I’m sorry Seungsikie, I always knew they were too boring for you.” You said in a teasing tone and he laughed. “And look if they never wanted to go out with you that’s their fucking loss.” “Yeah, well, I guess I was hoping things would be different at some point.” It hurt your heart to hear him say that. He’s always been a romantic, but in all seriousness, he always gets the worst partners. “I know what won’t make you upset anymore, let’s go out this Friday, you can’t say no alright, plus I really really want to see you.” “I know, we haven’t gone out since your birthday, I’m missing you too”, then his tone got kinda doubtful, “what exactly are your plans nerd?” you were both THE nerds in high school, always the ones that handed the tests at the same time, always the two that got up and solved math problems for the whole class, you’ve always been a team. “What makes you think I’ll tell you, dork? Knowing that you’re gonna see me should be enough for you” Neither of you knows how the two have been smiling just by hearing each other’s voices. You always forget how much you miss seeing him every day. He never notices how fast time goes by because suddenly, it’s been months since he felt this relaxed. And it was just your voice that made him feel at home after the past few days when he felt like shit. “I still need to know where, so I know how to pick my outfit, dummy” This man dresses better than you, so it made you laugh how he’s always worried about those things. “So?” “Oh my god, just wear whatever you like, you’re gonna be the best dressed no matter what, plus I bet you have new clothes you’ve been dying to wear so…” This time you made him laugh louder at your annoyed tone and that made him go along with your secret plan. “Alright then, but are you gonna dress cute though?” “Don’t know, maybe, we’ll see on Friday, love you bye” “Good night nerd, love you too” You’ve been organizing things all Thursday to make tomorrow perfect. Usually, Seungsik was the one that planned things when you went out, he always took you to the best restaurants, the best bars, always making sure you had a good time. So, you wanted to take care of everything this time. He deserved it. When you felt confident with your plan, you let Seungsik know that same night that you wanted him ready at 6:00 pm tomorrow. You took the day off, so you could clean your house and prep things for the night. You decided to do Seungsik’s favorite things. The first stop was to go for coffee to this new shop one of your coworkers recommended you. Next stop, go to one of his fave Japanese restaurants. Then you wanted to invite him to your apartment, so you could show him off your new mixology skills. You’ve been teaching yourself to make cocktails lately. Always on your never-ending search for new hobbies. And you felt you were pretty good at it, so you were dying to make him some of his favorite drinks. And it felt right because if you ended up deciding to get drunk you were gonna avoid a lot of, let’s say, unpleasant steps.

Finally, you were getting ready, and you decided to go for an all-black outfit. Black turtleneck sweater, black leather skirt, and black stockings. Today was cold, so a sherpa black denim jacket and black platform boots were a must. You went for gold jewelry and your beloved pink wool scarf. As for your makeup, your routine had changed to simply concealer, blush, mascara, eyeliner, and whatever lipstick you were vibing lately. You quickly gave your dog some water, food, and a little pad in case he needed to do his little business. “I’ll come back later Maxy, be good.” Grabbed all your keys and made your way to the café. Seungsik was already there when you arrived. He was waiting for you outside. It made you so happy to see him. And it may sound cheesy, but when you saw his outfit, you couldn’t help but smile. He was wearing the pink satin jacket you bought him a few years ago. Black turtleneck sweater, black denim jeans, and black boots. One would have thought that you managed to dress the same on purpose. When you got closer, you both couldn’t help but laugh at how you both looked. You were the one who hugged him first. For some reason, he had thought it was a good idea to stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for you to come. So, when he felt your hug, he was so glad you were this warm. It was one of those hugs where he could feel all the warmth radiating from you. For you, it was different. For a moment everything felt so calm, so safe, like nothing could hurt you. He softly rubbed your back and finally talked. “Let’s go inside, my face is getting numb from the cold”. You laughed in his chest, and he took you in his arms and walked together to order something. The café had this Parisian feel to it. It was beautiful and Seungsik told you he loved it. That got you happy once again. He ordered an espresso and you had a latte. As soon as you tasted them, you both looked at the eyes of each other, without having to speak you know he meant he didn’t like it because you thought the same about your drink. “You want to taste mine?” You offered. He gave you his cup too, so you could try it, and both had the same eyes again. You had to laugh now because both drinks were really bad, and you weren’t used to that. He muttered, “well at least the place is nice, we could take some photos”. Later you met the owner, and you found out that it’s only been open for three days. So, you agreed to come back another day to give them another chance. Seungsik’s been insisting on taking photos of you here. He said you looked adorable in this place and that you actually needed to update your feed. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at that. He knew you weren’t fond of taking pics, but ultimately, you gave in to his request. And he wasn’t lying, you felt cute in the pictures he took, but that was enough effort for the day. You figured it was time to take him to eat, so you got into your car and headed to the restaurant. His favorite restaurant turned into your favorite too after a few years. Since it always reminded you of him. You’ve been here with your other friends, but it’s never the same without Seungsik. Being here, watching him in the subtle red glow of neon signs, you realize how cool he looks right now, particularly with his cherry-red hair, in your eyes he’s always been the best guy ever. He is unaware of your gaze, looking at the menu, deciding what to order. The scenario you had was begging to be captured, so you took your phone out and took a picture of your best friend. He noticed after you took it, and he just gave you a sweet smile. The servers already knew you two were regulars, so they always took special care of you. Tonight you went for some gyozas, ramen, and an order of sushi to share. A few beers and you were set. “I’ve been meaning to talk about your hair” he blurted out. You narrowed your eyes and gave him a playful smile but didn’t say anything, urging him to keep talking. “You dyed it, I- I mean” he started stuttering for some reason. it was just you, though? “I really like it, out of

all your looks I think this is my favorite” and now you blushed. “When did you change it? Last time I saw you, you still had your two-toned thing going on.” You tilted your head and rested your chin on your hand to think about it a bit. “Around mid-December, I think? It was before Christmas, for sure.” “Well, I like it” you smiled with his words and he smiled knowing that his words made you happy. Your food came, and the conversation moved on to some work stuff. How you both have been busier lately. Then you mentioned your parents and what you did over the holidays. How stressed you were at the end of the year because you took care of everything those days. He told you he’s been stressed for a while too because he moved to another apartment, finally on his own. You told him you had seen Diane and Ash last week for Ash’s birthday. That her boyfriend threw her a little surprise party and how you thought that those two are gonna end up married soon. He asked about Diane. She was the only one of your friends that he really liked for some reason. “She actually moved back into my building! Her clothing line has been doing really well, that’s why she came back.” “And what about you?” He fixed his gaze on you. “What do you mean? I’ve been talking about me all this time” His question threw you off, along with his expression. Suddenly, an air of seriousness. Seungsik repeated, “About you, tell me what you’ve been up to? Who are you going out with? i don’t know something like that.” The first thing you could do was shrug. “I mean I’m good? everything’s calm for once, but — you remember Louis, right?” Seungsik couldn’t hide his disgust. He hated Louis. His face turned into a frown, and he crossed his arms. Instinctively rejecting the thought of that person. You continued telling him. “Well, it’s not actually something, but he’s still there, you know? he begs me constantly to go out with him, i haven’t seen him in about 8 months or so? Apparently, he’s dying to be with me again, but you know him.” “Yeah, good, don’t go out with him.” It wasn’t funny, but you chuckled at that. “Yeah, don’t worry, I’m not planning on it.” Seungsik hated Louis since the moment you met him. He knew he wasn’t serious about anything. And with time, he knew how unaware Louis was about all he had when you were in a relationship. He didn’t understand what you loved about him, despite all the times he heard you say it. In his eyes, you were far too much for that good-for-nothing dumbass. He figured he always thought that way because you’re his best friend. He loved you too much to see you with someone like that. But maybe somewhere along the way, he got confused about that love. Or possibly, involuntarily, he maintained that love as platonic. You raised your brow at him, watching how his mind went somewhere else, “what’s on your mind? tell me". He hadn’t even noticed he was clenching his teeth. “just thinking about how unlucky we are in love” lie. But that made you laugh. “Seungsik, you’re saying that as if it was new information”, “we’re dumb that’s all.” You took a few more beers, and he asked you if you wanted to share one of the desserts you loved in here. And you obviously said yes. He told you that he had talked to his mom earlier. “Mom says she misses you, she asked me how you’ve been doing, but I didn’t know what to tell her, so you need to visit her soon.” Moments like this, when he says those kinds of things, make you think how lucky you are to have him in your life. It’s not common to be this meshed in someone’s life. All you could do was smile and nod at him. The silence between you was starting to burn. Onset to illuminate something else. You explained to Seungsik that your next and last stop was your house, so you paid the bill and made your way out of the restaurant. The entire staff seeing you off loudly, “mata okoshi kudasaimase!”. It was getting even colder outside, making your nose turn red instantly. You had left your car a little far from the restaurant, so you clung to Seungsik’s torso. And as if

it were the most mundane act, he placed his arm around you. Enjoying the source of a bit of warmth once again. Walking along the street in each other’s embrace. Relishing in the other’s perfumes. Content. Just when you thought you were walking alone, a guy in the street approached you and offered to sell you flowers. As you were mistaken for a couple by him. Both laughed it off because that was a regular occurrence whenever you went out, but it always caught you off guard, like now. You never explained to others that you’re not together because you know the exact words that’ll come out of their mouths. “But you look so good together!” Yes, we know.“Are you sure you’re not a couple?” As far as we know, we’re just friends. It’s simply bothersome to discuss the nature of your relationship with strangers. But at the same time, one would think you were staying away from that conversation yourselves. Ultimately, Seungsik bought you a couple of flowers from the guy, thanking him for the small bouquet as you walked away. Still headed to your car, you kept laughing about what just happened. “So that was new”, you giggled as you searched for your car keys. He smirked while you unlocked your car doors, once you were both inside he joked and said, “next time pay for your own flowers won’t you?” When you entered your house, your dog Max didn’t waste time jumping at Seungsik’s feet. His little tail wagging incessantly, giving him the most enthusiastic welcome, which made you jealous. Your tiny baby quickly forgot about you as soon as he saw your best friend, which hasn’t been at your place in about forever. “Hello Maxy, you’ve gotten so big!!!” His voice getting into a high pitch as if he were talking to a baby. Which he was. He held up your dog, again, like a baby. Soon you cleaned up his mess, thankfully it wasn’t much so you got done with it in 5 minutes. You stood next to him while he kept baby talking to your fur baby. Top 10 most heartwarming scenes in your life. Finally, your dog remembered you existed and started slipping away from Seungsik’s hold. When you took him, you mumbled in your baby voice too, “oh so you like Seungsikie more than me now, huh? can’t blame you, Maxy.” Seungsik wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear that, or if he just has excellent hearing. However, he got this fuzzy feeling even though your place was freezing. His eyes followed you as you set your dog in his tiny bed with a little bone to chew at. He noticed how you were rushing to do things just so you could give him all your attention again. A sensation burning brighter. You finally came back to him and pushed him into your kitchen, which made him laugh at your action. You brought Seungsik to your little island and made him sit on a stool. When he saw everything you had left on the counter, he asked, “what’s all this?” “Behold!” gesturing him all your things neatly put in a stand which included a shaker, jiggers, various strainers, and a mixing glass. Along with bottles with different liquors and some new glasses you had bought for tonight’s drinks. A few herbs, leaves, and orange slices weren’t missing either. You were so proud of your setup that it had your hands on your hips with a proud look on your face. Then you clapped your hands together, making Seungsik jump at the sudden sound. “SO, I have everything for your faves, get ready to have me as your favorite bartender from now on.” A smug expression now on your face. First, you got some coffee out to start making a cup of espresso. While you allowed the coffee to steep, Seungsik was wrapped in the smell of the coffee grounds, already knowing which drink was coming his way. His view was a bit limited from where he was sitting, all he could see was how focused you were on doing this and that in the counter. You actually know what you’re doing with alcoholic drinks, so you can say they’re pretty easy to make. But the chances of messing them up are really high too. Mixology really is an art. You prepped the glasses with ice cubes and poured the Liquor 43 in each

of them, all that was left was the espresso, and they were done. You and Seungsik have had them with a lit-up cinnamon stick on top, which is an excellent plus, but maybe it’d be too much now when it’s just the two of you. Handing him the glass seemed like an accomplishment. You’ve been thinking about this moment for days. You wanted to clink glasses, and he got up from the stool. Suddenly, you felt how tall he was as he was facing you. His eyes crinkled when he said, “cheers!” You knew the drink was good, you MADE IT. But now you needed to know if it had lived up to Seungsik’s expectations. You were holding on to your glass for dear life, just waiting for a sign, an expression, anything. He wanted to toy with you. He saw the anticipation in your eyes. And in your whole body, actually. You seemed like a puppy waiting to be picked up. Trying his best not to demonstrate any emotion, he placed the glass on the counter and spent a few minutes squinting his eyes, pursing his lips, as if he was some connoisseur all of a sudden. Catching up on his game, you rolled your eyes and lightly hit him in the arm. Now he threw his head back in amusement, touching the spot where your hand had touched his arm. Still laughing, he finally assured you that he loved it. “it’s so good i can’t believe you” — “never thought you’d make drinks this GOOD.” “and if you keep that game going on that’s the last one you’ll get” you retorted. But soon your exasperation turned into a beaming smile followed by a giggle. Even prouder than before. “you’re so annoying, i swear.” As you slowly emptied your glasses, you started telling him about your journey in making cocktails. How you just decided one day that you wanted to learn how to make good drinks and spent several weeks attempting to master some recipes. You told him it’s not really hard because it’s not like you’re set on becoming a pro, but that you still needed a lot of practice and patience. “i can teach you later if you want.” After those words, he felt motivated to finish his drink and return to the kitchen with you. It was amusing seeing him like this. He looked awkward at your kitchen, not knowing whether you were gonna let him do something or just explain the steps to making a drink. The next drink you had thought of was even simpler. A gin and tonic with frozen berries and mint leaves. You urged Seungsik to get closer so he could see everything going on. When you reached for the alcohol and tonic water, you asked him to fill other glasses with berries and a bit of ice. When he brought them back, he stood beside you, watching how you filled them with the new mix. Shortly, you grabbed the mint leaves you had in front of you and handed some to him. “go crazy.” You were about to taste it when he stopped you because he wanted to clink glasses again. Or so you thought. Because in fact, he cheered softly, “to another 10 years”, which made you lock eyes with him. You could only muster up to raise the glass. You moved to your sofa and started talking about your friendship. Which was brought up from his most recent words. “can’t believe it’s been about 10 years and we’re still here”, “not many people get to that.” He said while facing you. It made you think. Well, certainly not. We go through so much in our lives, we grow constantly. And that means that we outgrow feelings, even whole parts of ourselves. Our lives change, and that means people leave. Friends leave. In some cases, we are the ones who end up leaving. And that never stops. So, when you acknowledge there’s someone in your life where you only feel a quiet calmness when they’re around, you have to make sure they stay a part of your life. With Seungsik, even a text or a phone call at the end of the day would always bring a smile to your face. You’ve been through enough in the past years to know that neither of you will leave the other. As time goes by, you’ve made sure to keep safe in your heart all the memories you’ve made together. From the countless nights where you went out to get intoxicated; where

you would run to him and cry your eyes out because someone had hurt you; to the days you would drag him to concerts where he didn’t know who the artist was. And the most insignificant things (to most people) as well. Like the times he would send you a song just because it made him think of you; the notes he would give you when you were in school; to even the short walks to anywhere because for a few minutes you were hugging all his warmth. You finally spoke, ”i’m really glad you haven’t left my life, i mean it” and leaned your head on his shoulder. Over the years, you had found you’re quite content in just having him nearby. Sure, you’ve been in romantic relationships before, you’ve been in love. But the love you and Seungsik have for each other is different. Even if you haven’t acknowledged it yet. The intimacy between you is what everyone would dream of having in their lives. The talking with your eyes. The way, you can’t go 2 seconds without some sort of physical touch. The back rubs when you hug. The late-night talks in your cars. And days like today especially. He had leaned his head against yours earlier. But both ended up spending minutes wrapped in your own thoughts instead of doing or saying something else. Strangely so, you’ve never had felt the rush to act on your feelings. And tonight wasn’t any different, both just enjoying how close you were at the moment. The night felt endless, you kept making drinks, but in the end, you both got drunk enough to go back to basics. Meaning beers. The heartfelt comments from earlier turned into jokes. Jokes turned into half-drunk singing to some random list of greatest hits on youtube for hours. He could hear you sing the same song on replay for days. He has always loved your voice, and tonight, he sat on your sofa to watch you sing one of your favorite songs. He could see the passion you felt, and his eyes couldn’t hide how he felt about you. For the first time in years, he wanted to kiss you. When the song ended, you turned to your left to face him. Not being sure if you or him were already very drunk, but there was something about the way he was staring at you that you felt like you were meant to fall for him all along. Both brushed off those thoughts once again when you asked him if he was already drunk. “i got sleepy all of a sudden” his code for yes. He sank into your couch and whined, “i should go before it gets too late.” You ended up cuddling next to him, drunk enough to feel your eyes closing on their own. Seungsik soon lovingly running his fingers through your hair. Relishing on how relaxed he was making you feel. You mumbled he should stay. “it’s not like you have work tomorrow.” His eyes were closed, too, and he wasn’t expecting those words at all. If he wasn’t this tired or drunk, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his composure in front of you. He even stopped the movements of his hand and stilled it at your shoulder. You gently moved your hand, so it could rest on top of his. It was just a touch. Innocent like friends. But it’s like time stopped for him. He now knew how he’s been lying to himself all along. You were touching his hand so casually, but it was driving him wild. It’s like you had electric charges in your fingertips. And he couldn’t deny he loved you more than a friend. Not a word was said for the rest of the night. You both fell asleep like that. Both wanting to stay right there a little longer. And that’s how you slept together for the first time. No kisses, no sex, just sleeping. Seungsik woke up first and saw you still asleep. Both still in the same position. He smiled when he saw you deep in slumber. He attempted to hold you closer to him without waking you up. Falling in love. Last night, he heard those words in his head. He realized he would’ve rather spent valentine’s with you. In fact, he actually never wants to have another date if it’s not with you. Currently, he hears his heart saying, you’re all i want. At long last, he decided to wake you up. He moved your shoulder, tickled your ear, and moved

his fingers through your hair again. You finally yawned, meaning you had woken up. You felt it was a miracle how you weren't feeling hungover but actually starving. With one eye open and the other closed, you turned your face upwards to get a look at Seungsik. He smiled at your face and whispered, “i’m hungry let's get some food come on” and with that, he kissed your cheek. Once you were awake enough to realize what he did, you stared at his eyes while he did the same. You don’t know if you imagined the small lingering moment, the way you’d both held your breaths as if time stopped. Both thinking that you should wait, that you shouldn’t be this close for the sake of your friendship. While the other part of you didn’t want to wait any longer and was screaming for you to finally take that step. Both knew that you loved each other without needing to say it. He ran his fingers through your hair for the second time today. You were about to kiss when your phone started to ring. The two of you were brought down back to earth against your will. You didn’t care about the call. Not planning to answer this early while you were with him, but it felt like the universe wasn’t agreeing on you two yet. Eventually, you got up from the sofa to stretch your legs and took the chance to go see who had called you. And you audibly groaned at the name that appeared on your screen. Seungsik hesitated to ask, but he did it anyway. “who was it?” Although, based on your reaction, he already had someone in mind.

"You don’t want to know,” you told him while you let out a dry laugh. Not even wanting to think about him yourself. When he asked if it was Louis and you nodded at him, he felt upset. That’s when he comprehended that he didn’t want to play games anymore. He just wanted to be with you. And by the look in your eyes, it was not just him who thought that. Finally, you were undeniably in sync with one another.

[nillabeam]

KINKTOBER TWO: praise kink 

synopsis: reader with a degradation kink but an even bigger praise kink

warnings: smut! 18+!! degradation, praise kink, dirty talk, language, unprotected sex, squirting??? characters aged up, some fluff sprinkled in lmao

characters: tsukishima kei

a/n: basically i wanted to write some sort of soft tsukki and idk i’m just real into this jerk rn so i hope you enjoy it!! also this is my first time writing for haikyuu and im a little nervouse to post this!! but please ignore any grammar or spelling errors and thank you for reading!!! <3333

he wasn’t exactly sure what he’d been feeling lately. he loathed not being able to understand his own feelings. but lately every time he saw your adorable little smiling face looking up at him his chest would tighten and he would get the most uncomfortable fluttering feeling in his stomach. he fucking hated it. 

so naturally he took it out on you in the bedroom. 

tsukishima always had a pretty sharp tongue but it was nothing compared to what he said to you when he had your face pressed down into the pillows, a hand on your back, the other tangled in your hair. 

it never hurt your feelings though, and he discovered pretty early on that you liked it. hell he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it. the way his harsh words had you dripping for him and cumming on his cock so easily, so willingly, it drove him fucking insane. not that he was ready to admit something like that to you so easily. 

on this particular night he was more pent up than usual, it didn’t take long for him to get you out of your clothes and into bed with him. he was kissing you with more energy than he usually did, every time you parted for air he was pressing his lips on yours. it was suffocating. it didn’t help that he had two of his long fingers pressed inside your cunt, expertly stroking your walls, just enough to get you teetering on the edge of your release only to deny it. 

“tsukki, please, you’re being so mean today,” you say between hushed moans, he replies by pulling his fingers away from your soaked core, he rolls his eyes when you whine. “don’t pout you stupid brat,” his reply sends a bolt of electricity through your body, and he watches as your cunt clenches desperately around nothing. “such a greedy little cunt,” he muses, dipping his fingers back into your wetness. “you’re making a fucking mess with this sloppy little pussy.” 

he can see it, the coil deep inside you winding up, ready to snap. he indulges you, his thumb moving to rub harsh circles on your swollen clit. your hips move independently as they buck against his slender fingers, desperately chasing your release. it doesn't take long before your cumming on his fingers, your dripping cunt drenching him down to his wrist. 

“greedy little slut, always thinking of herself,” he presses his thumb against your lips, prying them open, he slides his messy fingers into your mouth. “clean them for me, it’s the least you can do for making such a fucking mess.” 

you do as he asks, easily taking in his long digits and sucking them clean. his lips twist into a disapproving smirk, “you like licking your cum off my fingers? hm?” he presses his fingers further down your throat when you don’t answer, eliciting a gag, “so fucking disgusting,” his words and his actions contradict as he removes his soaked digits and replaces them with his mouth, he stiffles a moan at the taste of your cum on his tongue.

tsukishima didn’t use his size advantage very often but today was one of those rare occasions where he felt riled up enough to do so. he easily flipped you onto your stomach, positioning you just the way he liked, face down ass up. he lines himself up with your entrance, lazily dragging the head of his hard cock against your slick.

“kei just put it in already..” you groan and he shoves your face into the pillow to quiet you. he chuckles at your muffled whining. “such a needy little cumslut,” he fans out his fingers against the back of your skull, the sensation makes you shiver, he gathers a handful of your hair and yanks your head back enough so he can whisper into your ear.

“maybe if you ask nicely i’ll give you what you want.”

his words have you squirming beneath him. he had been torturing you for hours now, needless to say you were frustrated, overstimulated, and overwhelmed by the need to be filled by his cock.

“i want it kei, please give it to me,” he slides his thumb over his leaking tip, collecting the weeping precum to coat his throbing cock in it.

“i want to hear you say it,” his tone is still calm, condescending, but he’s unraveling quickly at the sight of you, bent over, cunt soaked and dripping for him.

“please kei, your cock, i want it, i’ve been good.” you beg quietly, almost shamefully. he takes a moment to admire how cute you are like this, pathetically begging for him. you really were so good to him. he’s suddenly determined to show you just how much he appreciates you. he releases his grip on your hair, his hands instead finding purchase on your hips.

finally, he slides into your sopping cunt, you can’t help the moans that slip past your lips. he begins to thrust into you, you’re so desperate for him that he barely has to move. you’re sinking back onto his cock, meeting each of his shallow thrusts, desperate to be full of him.

he tightens his grip on your hips, large hands leaving bruises against your tender skin, he can’t stop the feeling bubbling up in his chest, he’s so overwhelmed by how good you are, how well you treat him, how fucking amazing your tight little cunt feels. “you think you’ve been good?,” he snaps his hips into you, throwing off your rhythm in favor of his own. you yelp when he sets his own brutal pace.

“such a good little slut for me aren’t you?” he breathes between quiet moans. “so eager for me, so desperate,” he continues and he notes how hard you’re gripping the sheets now. “such a good girl.”

a low moan that falls from your lips is different than he’s used to, and they way your walls are clentching around him makes it hard to focus. did you like this? being praised? of course he was going to find out.

“you like when i call you that, hm?” his tone is low, but softer than you’ve ever heard it. “my good girl,” his words, to both of your surprise, are enough to have you cumming around his cock. your head tossed back, body trembling, eyes rolling into your head, whimpering incoherent nonsense. and the way you were clentching around him almost sent him over the edge.

he’d never made you cum like that before.

“fuck,” he steadies himself, and something in him ignites, a smirk finds his features. he was right.

he barely gives you a second to catch your breath before he has you on your back. he spreads your thighs apart, watching as your cunt spasms around nothing, your expression completely fucked out and dazed. you look absolutely perfect. the mere sight of you has him licking his lips.

“one more,” he groans, you try and string together a reply but you don’t get the chance to speak, all that comes out is a whine as he slides his cock back into you.

“you like it when i praise you? tell you how good you are to me?” the way your eyes roll back gives him all the confirmation he needs, and the way you were responding to his voice had him pistoning into you harder than normal. “you cum on my cock so well, you did so good,” he moves to grip your thighs, squeezing them as he ruts into you.

he can’t decide which view he likes more, his cock stuffing your tight little cunt or the slutty expression you were wearing. “i want you to cum like that again,” his fingers move to rub messy circles against your clit. you cringe at the overstimulation, another orgasm quickly building, “k-kei i can’t!” you yelp but he doesn’t bend, he’s too determined, dead set on making you cum again.

“you can, good girl,” he groans, “i’m so proud of you, fuck, you feel so good-“ he is lost in it now, he’s close, he’s so close. “you’re fucking perfect, god, i love you,” his confession is enough to push you over the edge, though he wasn’t expecting you to cum so hard. you were a mess, cum flowing freely from your cunt, drentching tsukki and the sheets, mouth open, a silent moan stuck on your tongue, body tense and shaking.

“s-shit-” his own orgasm hits him hard, harder than he was expecting it to, a slew of curses and moans pour out of him, his thick cum coats your insides. to be honest he’s a little embarrassed at his lack of subtlety but he’d never admit it.

he collapses in the space on the bed beside you. both taking a moment to catch your breath before you muster up the courage to speak. “did you mean it?” your voice is soft, small even, he barely hears you. “what?” he asks, back to his former self. “you said you loved me.” you turn your head to face him, he takes a moment to admire how sleepy and soft you look.

and that’s when it hits him. it hits him like a goddamn train. he loves you. he fucking loves you. he rolls his eyes, trying his best to seem unbothered. “i only said that so you’d cum,” he replies, his tone a little annoyed, but he’s hoping you won’t notice how his cheeks have warmed up at his realization. “you shouldn’t say things like that if you don’t mean them,” you reply, draping an arm lazily around his waist, a small smirk gracing your lips.

“you only get a few minutes, then we have to clean up the mess you made,” he says, hoping his deflection wasn’t too obvious. he shifts a bit so you can rest your head on his chest, which you do so happily. his slender fingers run softly through your hair, each stroke making it harder to stay awake.

he takes in the sight of you, you’re drifting off to sleep, perfectly serene, an angel unbothered by his unending teasing and mean spirited nature. god, he really did love you. and he had a feeling despite his earlier denial, you knew it too.

[hwrryscherry]

The one where the reader is a singer

characters: HARRY x SINGER!Y/N

blurb: The reader is finishing up her brand-new album and as Harry comes to visit her on her last day of working in the studio, he gets to react to one of her songs, 34+35.

word count: 1.9K

author's note: HI GUYS! It’s been a week I think? Anyway, I’ll get back to school tomorrow so idk when imma post the next request but I’m hoping that it will be soon! Anyway, I want to thank y’all for the love and support on my writing and I hope that the anon who asked this likes it as much as I did. Never forget that you’re so golden and tpwk. AND ALSO, HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY TO HARRY!

    You took a deep breath right after asking for the track to be played again. To everyone else the track was perfect, but it was different for you. It just felt like something was missing and you didn't know what. And god, you were tired. You were so genuinely exhausted that if you sit up in a chair and stay silent for more than five minutes you'll simply fall asleep. You felt your eyes heaving at every blink of yours and it was only 5 pm, but you were in this studio for so long. You were inside this place for 36 hours now with no shower and no sleep. You did eat but now you were hungry again.Your shoulders were tensed up, and you couldn't feel comfortable anywhere. Not in the couch, not in the chair, not in the floor and not even stand up. All you genuinely demanded right now was to be home under your bed sheets curled up with your boyfriend of four years while taking many naps or watching many movies, but no, you needed to have this done. You needed the album to be done and were extremely thrilled to release it to your fans that were excited as well. But yes, you were so frickin' tired.

— Again... — You repeated after a long and sharp breath listening to some groans from your coworkers. You all have been listening to this one song for about an hour and a half now and you haven't actually changed anything yet. — I know, I know, and I'm sorry guys, it's just not right!

— Maybe you think it's not right, but it is and you're just making a huge deal about it. — One of your co-workers said. A girl, Lucy, one of your friends as well. You turned your head to stare at her face and gave her that glaze that made her shrug her shoulders because of it — Alright, I'm sorry.

— I'm not making a huge deal. It's just not right, and I feel like the entire album is so great and this is just wrong. Like... — You said standing up from the couch you were sitten in and walked to the table with the computers on to grab the one paper you used to write this song. You stared at it in your hands for a while as you read the letters. — See, here is the problem. So here it's "you drink it just like water" and then suddenly comes "so what you doin' tonight?", it doesn't make sense, there's something missing in here. — You go through the lyrics again as you hear more groans from the people in the room — And honestly, I'm disappointed with myself for the rest. I need to change it so badly, but I have no idea on how.

— No problem, love — You naturally said referring to his previous apologies.

   That's when you hear the sound of the door being opened. You rise your head to look at the door and see Harry, your boyfriend, walking into the room with some paper bags in his hands that contained burgers directly from In-N-Out, which was in fact your favorite Los Angeles burger place ever. He arrived in silence, trying not to make a noise for fear that you were recording something but you could note his surprised expression when he saw everyone was looking at him instead of recording.

— Sorry guys, I didn't want to disturb you. I was passing by and wanted to check up! — Harry said as he closed the door behind him and walked farther into the room. You smiled tenderly when you saw the figure of the man walking closer to you. You haven't seen each other personally in some days, and he consistently secured you so much spiritual peace, he just had such a light energy and it made you feel so good  — And also y’all had been stealing my girl for so long now! — He joked getting a slight laugh from everyone inside the studio. He approached you by wrapping your waist with one of his arms around your waist and sealing your lips together as he bends down a little.

— And Harry, technically she is maintaining us here and not the other way around — Lucy said in an ironic tone causing you to look at her quickly before letting out a deep breath and lowering your head by rubbing your sleepless eyes with the help of your hands, probably a negative result of sleep. Harry reflected the girl's words and then looked at you carefully before placing the bags on the coffee table that was next to the studio sofa.

— Why? What happened? — Harry asked encountering his gaze with yours as he crossed his arms and observed you raising your hand that contained the papers with the lyrics of your new song.

— I can't write a proper ending that I genuinely like! — You said, sounding frustrated to everyone in that room.

— The ending is good! — Another of your friends, Jaden, said as he got up and picked up one of the bags Harry had brought and then started walking again to sit on the sofa.

— Jaden, you in silence is everything to me! — You said in a mocking tone while running your hand through your hair — But you understand, don't you? — You asked Harry because he has experience with such a specific subject — It's not that it's bad, it's that I don't feel like it's ready!

— I get it! But have you already recorded? — Harry asked softly in his understanding tone. He more than anyone in this room comprehended exactly what you were feeling and he would do his best to help you since you did the same with him so many times before.

— Yes, twenty times! — Jaden murmured a little before taking a bite of one of the burgers that Harry had brought. Harry couldn't hold back the laugh when he heard the boy, as they knew each other well and Harry knew all his sassiness was based on nothing more than hunger.

— Let me hear it, so I can have some ideas to help! — Harry said looking at you, and then noticing your reaction. Your eyes widened at the man's request. It wasn't fear. It was just an apprehension and that made Harry extremely curious  — What? 

— Well... It's a little... — You said in a lower tone seeking your words.

— Promiscuous and indulgent! — Lucy and Jaden completed your sentence making Harry look at her and the boy sitting on the sofa and then Harry raised one of his eyebrows and looked at you with a smirk on his lips.

— Uh, is it about me? — Harry asked in a mocking tone, waiting for the answer that would raise his ego, of course.

— Look, let's not specify anything — You said quickly and nervously looking at the smirk on your boyfriend's face — Ok, Trevor, play the song right for the love of god! — You said getting a laugh out of Harry, Jaden and Lucy due to your despair in ending this matter.

    And Trevor did as you asked and put the song on. You sat down on the bench near the wall and crossed your arms while watching Harry's reactions. The soon as the song started everyone could notice your voice and the rhythm of it that matched the beat.

You may think I’m crazy

The way I’ve been craving

If I put it quite plainly

Just give me them babies

    You could notice Harry bouncing his head on the rhythm of the song as a sign that he liked it because you knew that he only did that to songs that he likes. And you also noticed a small smile when he listened to the end of this verse because he did remember all the times you both had talked about having a baby before.

So what you doin’ tonight?

Better say doin’ you right

Watching movies 

But we ain’t seen a thing tonight

    Again you noticed the smirk and you did smirk as well because you both knew the lack of ability that you had to watch any movie that lasted longer than two hours and you almost ended not watching anything.

I don’t wanna keep you up

But assuming can you keep it up

‘Cause then I’d like to keep you up

So maybe Imma keep you up

Boy

    Harry wasn’t looking at you, though. He was looking at the floor while bouncing his head and paying attention to the song as he was trying to catch the vibe of it and honestly you don’t know if it’s the song that had this vibe but he was looking way too hot to handle at this moment.

I’ve been drinking coffe

And I’ve been eating healthy

Know I get squeaky, yeah

Saving all my energy

    Now the chorus was about to start and you were actually excited and nervous to see Harry’s reaction of it. You two have been dating for four years now. He probably understood any little detail of this song more than anyone else.

Can you stay up all night?

F**k me till the daylight

34 35

    You started to hold back your laugh as Harry lifted his head up fastly with winded eyes and a surprised look so he could face you. It wasn’t actually your style to write songs that promiscuous so he was actually surprised at it even though he loved it. He had a smile on his face though and so did you. 

    The song kept playing as the words repeated itself and it stopped just after the second chorus so Harry passed his hands through his hair as you waited for his opinion on it. Honestly, Harry’s opinion about your music is extremely important to you because you cherish and admire him way too much and love his songs so you hope that he does too with yours.

— So... What do you think? — You asked anxiously waiting for his opinion. The truth is Harry had already listened to all the songs on his new album except this one.

— I like it! — Harry said with a smile on his lips making you breathe a sigh of relief — Maybe I can help write the rest, but they really didn't lie and it's great. The beat is good and the lyrics are catchy and everything will be fine. The point, my love, is that you are too worried! — Harry said as he approached you, placing his big, strong hands on your shoulders and massaging them lightly feeling all the tension in your muscles slowly dissolving — Relax, it's amazing! You got it!

   With Harry's help, you finished the song in less than an hour. When you recorded the rest and listened, you felt that now it was ready and now you could go home with him. It was simply incredible to know you could always count on him and to know that while you were together creativity would be present and life wouldn't be boring. After all, you had each other and had the art.

[nagipops]

hiya can i request a shidou x reader fic where shidou falls in love with the reader but she is hesitant bc she still has leftover feelings for itoshi rin? the reader is the tutor btw u can ignore this if it's too hard 🦆

A/N: idk if this is classified as a love triangle but like 😭 this was fun and nerdy to write, so take it <3 note: this is for a fem!reader!

Electrons - Shidou Ryusei

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

“And then you add that there to balance out the electrons!” You tapped the eraser end of your number two pencil to Shidou’s paper where the two of you were studying chemistry.

His face lit up with pride as he completed the last problem on the sheet. “Hell yeah!” he chucked his pencil across the room in triumph. “This shit is easy!”

You let a soft giggle slip out of your lips as you placed pens and pencils back in their proper place, watching your friend gleefully celebrate his success by punching a hole through his completed paper.

“Okay, Shidou, we’re done for today,” you sighed, brushing your hands together before turning to Shidou with a grin. “You’re really getting the hang of chemistry.”

A self-satisfied glint in his pink eyes, the blonde-haired boy sauntered over to you, grasping your hand with his large fingers as he towered over you. “Only because we have such good chemistry, hmm?”

You rolled your eyes and averted your gaze, failing to suppress the blush that crept up onto your cheeks. “Shidou.”

He hooked one slender finger under your chin, pulling your view back to him. “Hey, tutor lady. Who do you like?”

Your heart plummeted at his straightforward outburst. Who do you like?

Mouth agape like a fish underwater, you stammered, “W-whahuh?”

Shidou held your gaze intensely, daring you to respond.

“Wh-why are you asking me... that?”

He leaned in close until his pink eyes were merely centimeters away from yours. “Because I like you."

You blinked once.

Twice.

This couldn’t be real.

“S-shidou... stop that...” Your face flushed even deeper as you attempted to avoid his potent gaze.

The blonde in front of you furrowed his brow, pulling his suggestive smirk into an annoyed scowl. “Hmph.” Dragging his body away from yours, he huffed, “This is about your precious Rin-chan, ain’t it.”

Your stomach somersaulted at the name of your childhood best friend. “R-rin?”

Shidou groaned in frustration as he brushed past you to open the door to his room. “Yeah, your little boyfriend. I’ll kill that bastard!"

A bubbling melting pot of emotions flared in your chest at Shidou’s outburst. Was it guilt? Sympathy? Excitement?

The fact that he had called Rin your boyfriend made you feel... a flutter in your stomach, to say the least.

But then you were pulled back into the cruel reality where the boy in front of you had just confessed that he liked you. The boy you had been tutoring ever since the beginning of the school year. The boy you've walked home with after school every day and his room which you've spent more time in than your own.

You had really grown to like him.

"S-shidou, wait..."

The lanky boy paused in the middle of the doorway with his back facing you. "If you're gonna tell me you like him, just tell me now. I hate that eyelashed freak." His muttering voice wilted from the lack of energy that was almost always present.

Hesitantly taking a few steps forward, you moved silently up behind him until your face was nearly touching the center of his back.

Every nerve in your body was buzzing with anticipation as you lifted you arms to wrap around his torso, when—

Thump.

Your back slammed against the wall.

"Y'know spatial awareness is my biggest strength, don't you?"

Your mouth hung agape from both the shock and the sheer force of his arm pinning you to the wall. "I was just—"

"Can it. I'm gonna win you back from Eyelashes." Shidou's glaring pink eyes seemed to illuminate the dark room in a neon glow as he towered over you, tilting his chin downwards and letting his messy spiked hair cascade in front of his eyes. Slender, calloused fingers raked up your arms, raising every single hair on end, filling the air with an unbearably intimidating aura.

And then as soon as you blinked, Shidou was already striding out of the room.

Did you get home safe?

Was what the excruciatingly bright phone screen displayed as you squinted at it in the dark.

yeah, thanks rin :)

You've been staying out with him later now

he's gotten the hang of chemistry, so you won't be missing me too much from now on hehe

...

Tossing your phone face down onto your bedsheets as your childhood friend typed his response, you let out an exasperated groan into your cold palms.

Rin. Shidou. Rin. Shidou. Rin. Shidou.

One always had your back no matter what, had stuck with you through thick and thin, showed you all of his sides behind that cold, stoic demeanor.

The other had provided excitement and spontaneity, and every day was an adventure with him; each day you met up to tutor him, you were in for a new treat.

They were polar opposites from each other, yet they still held equal weight in your boggled mind.

Pressing the palm of your hand into your worried forehead, you groped around the dark for your phone before the incandescent blue light flooded the pitch-black room once again.

You're right, I won't be missing you as much any more.

Shit.

“Pop quiz!”

Your announcement was met with silence.

“Shidou, it’s our last day together, have some pep! Pop quiz!”

Siiiiilence.

Heaving a sigh, you lightly tapped his toned shin with your foot before folding your arms determinedly in front if your chest. “Shidou.”

The boy who had not spoken a single word to you during the entire walk home was leaning back in his chair, tapping away dismissively at his phone.

“Shidou, come on! The quiz is super fun, it’s only a few questions.” His eyes flicked over to you. “After you finish this, you can ignore me all you want.” You prayed he didn’t comply to the last part.

He raised his eyebrows interestedly, and you could spot the familiar spark flickering in his pink eyes once again. “A fun quiz? Never heard that one before.” He chucked his phone onto his messy, unmade bed. “Hit me!”

You shrugged. “Okay.” You smacked his shoulder.

“Ow, what the hell?!” Shidou grimaced, grasping at his stinging skin to soothe the pain before grabbing your own shoulder and pulling you into him with a smirk. “You’re gonna pay for that, miss.”

“Mhm. After this quiz.” You failed to hide your blush as a grin broke out across your face, and all of a sudden, you were laughing. With Shidou’s arms around your waist.

He raised his eyebrows expectantly. “So? Hurry it up so we can get outta here.”

You whistled lowly. “Whew, Shidou being enthusiastic about a quiz? Unheard of!” You slid out of his grasp and moved to the back of his chair, grabbing his shoulders from behind. “Okay, so… grab a piece of paper and a pencil.”

He reached his right arm behind you and plucked out a pencil from thin air, throwing a smirk over his shoulder. “Gotcha.”

“What the— Shidou! Okay, anyways. We’re going to test if you remember the abbreviations for the chemical elements, okay?”

“Pshhh, that’s easy!” He hollered, flitting his pencil rapidly back and forth between his fingers. “Go for it.”

“Fine.” Steadying his rocking shoulders with two calm hands, you named the first element: “Iodine.”

A single line appeared on his paper.

“Good. Lithium.” You waited for his hand to finish writing. “Potassium.”

“What is this, some first grade test? D’ya think I’m that stupid?”

You chuckled. “No, I think you’re very smart. Just keep going. Now, place an abbreviation for electron right there… Sweet. Now, the last one is…”

“Uranium.”

Your jaw fell onto the floor. “Wha—”

“Hah!” Shidou chucked his pencil into the air, jumping onto his feet in the blink of an eye. “I knew it!”

He snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you in so close to him that you could see the individual stitches of his shirt. You failed to hide your blush. Again. “W-What are you talking about?” You chuckled nervously as he stared you down. “I was just—”

“‘I like you’? In chemistry form?” A large hand grasped the back of your head, pulling right in front of his face. “Jeez, tutor lady, you really are a nerd.”

Your shock gave way to confidence as you challenged his potent gaze with your own. “Only for you I am. That took me hou—“

Your words were sealed off with fierce lips pressed to yours. It felt like freedom. It felt like passion. It felt like… like a piece of you that just wouldn’t fit in properly was finally set in place.

Like your electrons were finally balanced.