#neechan or anyone else i am open to suggestions because this is probably the only way i'll be able to sit down and properly watch anime

[cardcaptor-lisia]

i need to start an anime to watch while shiny hunting / national dex completing in my pokémon y copy.....

cardcaptor sakura is Calling To Me but i think i miiiight just end up going with powerpuff girls z... or taisho yakyuu musume? or actually finally start to watch pokémon horizons????? so so so so so many options..... or i could rewatch voltron legendary defender my childhood anime

[sternentinte]

Emogust - 14.08.|In which character A. protects character B. from danger

He gets the box.

Heiji is in an appropriate state of panic—Kudou disappeared, was taken away by his mother that doesn’t exist (read: Edogawa Fumiyo) and Neechan doesn’t even know it yet. She’ll know soon though, as soon as she realizes that what she just perceives as a weeklong break in between her boyfriend’s more or less regular phone calls, is in fact a perhaps permanent stop.

Heiji dreads this happening, but he knows it’s coming. What he doesn’t know is what the hell is actually going on, and no matter what he tries he can’t figure out where Kudou is and for what reason he doesn’t know.

What he knows is that a) the little neechan from the professor’s house is missing, too, and b) said professor doesn’t know what happened either. It is strange because Heiji knows that the professor is Kudou’s number one confidant. More important than Heiji (even though that hurts a little) and more important than Neechan (but that’s because he insists on not telling her things to protect her. Ridiculous, in Heiji’s opinion. If there’s one girl that can defend herself it’s Neechan. Except for Kazuha, of course, he amends. Kazuha might be even better at it, if only because she’s not as nice.)

He still decides to go to Tokyo though, because there is no way he is going to give up on his friend, on his best friend, and that is where he gets the box.

“I was debating on whether I should show you this”, Professor Agasa says, his face tired and years older than the last time Heiji saw him. It’s scary in a way.

“What is it?”, he asks, eager for information, for any information on what happened. He wants to do something, dammit.

“This.”, Agasa says, and puts a box on the table. It’s made from cardboard and not exactly tiny, but also not huge. It seems like something that would contain old CDs or maybe letters. The more interesting part of it is how it’s covered all over in duct tape. And the little note on top of the cover.

Professor, give this to Hattori-kun ONLY if my or Haibara’s body is found.

“I probably shouldn’t be giving this to you”, he says, and the guilt is obvious in his every motion.

“But surely, this also counts?”, he mumbles, more to himself than to Heiji, “They disappeared, and the Black Organisation is after them… I can’t even track Shinichi-kun’s glasses.”

So maybe whoever took them knew about the glasses, Heiji’s brain suggests, making the deduction near automatically, or he left them behind purposefully.

“You don’t have to take it.”, the professor says, “maybe you shouldn’t open it until-” His voice almost breaks. “-until the conditions are met. It seems so serious, but-”

“I’ll take it.”, Heiji says. This is what he needs. He needs some way to make this right.

-

He opens the box as soon as he is home. Some of the contents he understands immediately, others not so much. But either way, he knows what this is. Evidence. Evidence, little signs and theories, names, and information. It’s a lot, but it also isn’t because surely there must be more information that Kudou could compile about this organisation in almost a year, but there isn’t. So maybe he didn’t. It’s a terrifying thought, because Kudou is brilliant, maybe the best detective Heiji knows—probably better than himself, even though he never would have said that out loud. Not before for sure.  

This is a treasure, he decides, because he has a hunch that this might be more than anyone else knew about this organisation, ever, without being a part of it. This is a treasure and he will make sure he will use it to his best capacity. And if it’s the last thing he does.

“Heiji!”, Kazuha calls from the hall and Heiji hurries to hide the box and its contents before she enters the room.

“Did you just get home?”, she asks, looking at the jacket he’s still wearing. He didn’t even notice he forgot to take it off.

“Seriously, where were you?”, Kazuha asks, “I went looking for you.”

“I was just looking into a case.”, Heiji lies and that’s how it starts.

-

The more Heiji looks into the material, the more he realises he can’t do this the way Kudou did it. He can’t be a teen detective going over his head. He feels the deadliness of his secrets and it haunts him in his sleep. He can’t get himself killed, or disappeared, or whatever, because then he can’t find Kudou.

He needs to find Kudou.

(He feels guilty every time he has to tell Neechan he’s trying. She still looks so hopeful.)

He can’t do this on his own—but he can’t pull anyone else into this. He needs to be better.

-

Kazuha confesses to him a couple of weeks before they graduate high school. It’s almost been a year now and Heiji hasn’t made a lot of progress—not enough. It’s right after the Gosho Girl’s first concert—at Ran’s school—and it was a huge success. Heiji is so happy for them, not only because they have found something for themselves but because Neechan looks happier than he has seen her in a long time.

Then Kazuha says it. They are in the small room that constitutes backstage and somehow, they are the only ones there—Heiji doesn’t quite understand how, but it’s not what’s important there.

“Heiji”, she says, so carefully and quietly, as if they are the most important words in the world. Maybe they are.

“Heiji, I am in love with you.”

Heiji’s heart soars and he is so happy, so, so happy, but at the same time his heart breaks.

“I wish you didn’t say that.”, he says, because it’s honest and he can’t bring himself to say, “I don’t feel the same way.” Because that’s a lie and Heiji’s still terrible at lying, especially to Kazuha.

“Why?”, Kazuha says and he can see the tears forming in her eyes and he hates himself.

He finds himself being honest again. “Because I can’t be your boyfriend.”

“Why?”, Kazuha says, her voice raising, half-angry, half-upset.

He shrugs unhappily, because he doesn’t know what to tell her. He’s given up on the idea, he doesn’t quite know when, it was a gradual process. He finally understands why Kudou lied to Neechan like that, it’s for the same reason. And Heiji can’t do that to Kazuha, he can’t bring himself to. Even if he can’t tell her the secrets, for her own good, he can’t make himself lie. And if he has made it his goal to do this, no matter what it takes, he can’t be her boyfriend. Because if he was, he fears, he won’t be able to make himself do it the way it needs to.

And he has to learn from Kudou’s mistakes. (He can’t disappear on his girlfriend because they are getting to close. He can’t get himself killed either.)

-

Heiji starts training for the PSIA immediately after graduation. It’s not what he wanted, originally, he had always wanted his own agency somewhere, be a detective on his own terms, but this is the way he needs to go if he wants to solve the secrets in the box. He needs to be smart about it, and this is the best way.

Kazuha forgives him even before they graduate.

“Why?”, he asks, because he honestly can’t fathom any reason he’d deserves it.

“Because you’d kill yourself on accident if I wasn’t there to look out for you.” She shrugs like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

He isn’t sure if it’s the real reason, but he is glad either way.

They move to Tokyo together, Heiji for his training, Kazuha for the band, and naturally, they share their apartment. Heiji’s so glad she is there, because without her, this awful city might kill him, even sooner than any idiocy on his part that Kazuha might like to cite. So maybe she is right, after all.

They are good as roommates because they are good as friends, always were, but sometimes it hurts, because Heiji knows it’s not quite what he wants. Still, he’s glad he has a familiar face to come back to at the end of the day and he knows Kazuha is happy—the band is doing so well—even if in the back of his head he wonders if she would be happier.

Heiji’s training is awful, especially at first. They take him in easily, he has a good track record with all the work he’s done as a high schooler, but at heart, he’s not the right kind of person to be an agent. He’s a terrible liar and a worse actor and he doesn’t do well at hiding his emotions at all.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”, his educator asks him at the end of the first week.

“You are a smart kid, I can tell, but maybe you’d be better off somewhere else. This kind of work rips good people apart all the time. There are other ways you can do good.”

Heiji looks at him and he knows the guy is right. He’s trying to do him a favour and he’s right because this is not what Heiji was made for. But it is what he will make himself be made for, because he has no choice.

“I have to do this.”, he says, and the educator nods, sadly, tiredly, like he’s heard it too many times before.

-

The next day, he gets a phone call from the professor.

The new envelope has a computer stick in it; the data heavily encrypted. But that’s not important—well it is—but not as much as the handwriting on it.

Add it to the box.

Kudou is still somewhere out there. And Heiji can’t disappoint him.

-

More envelopes come, sporadically as much as irregularly, over the years as Heiji rises in the ranks. They rarely put him out to do field work; somehow, he has come to be better at gathering data, trying to make sense of it. Maybe that’s because it’s what he’s been doing all the time. Trying to make sense. No matter what the others say, he still doesn’t feel like he’s very good at it.

While he tries to make himself be the person who can do this, Kazuha and the girls take off.

One concert becomes many and then they release their first album. Heiji is so proud of them. By now, he can almost smile at Neechan again.

After their album comes a Japan-wide tour and Heiji misses Kazuha terribly while she’s gone. When she comes back, he wants to kiss her, but he doesn’t, and they watch a silly movie together instead, and she tells him about all the places she went and the people she’s met. It’s not quite what he wants, but it’s still pretty good.

He tries not to be jealous when she goes on dates, but he’s pretty sure she notices anyway.

-

It’s been three and a half years when the pieces finally start coming together. It’s not only Kudou’s information by now, but a mixture of that and his own investigation, gathered information, small hunches, his people’s observation, suspicious news stories. It all comes together, and he starts seeing the enormous web he’s caught.

It’s only a matter of time now.

(Oh, how he hopes it is—he is so tired. He works with his old educator sometimes, and the man looks at him too knowingly. It’s the same look Kazuha gives him when he comes home and feels like he’s dead inside—no matter what he does he’s still not made for this job. But he can do it and he’s so close.)

It’s two months later when he finds them. The FBI finds them first, but that doesn’t matter—not really, anyway, but they’re alive and Heiji wants to stand on Tokyo Tower and yell it into the world, but that wouldn’t be a very good strategy, so he doesn’t.

He pulls a few strings (more like a thousand and his gut slowly out of his mouth, at least that’s what it feels like—the FBI is crazy protective) to organise a meet up.

Kudou looks tired. He looks different and weak, like he’s sick maybe, like he has been for a long time.

But then he looks up and his eyes are the same.

Heiji throws himself at him with a hug. They never were friends that hug, but does it matter now?

“Hattori.”, Kudou says, when he’s finally let go, “How?”

“I am the PSIA contact that has info on your organisation.”, Heiji explains, like it’s the natural thing.

He pulls out his folder, then the box.

Kudou looks at it, like it invokes mixed feelings.

“You weren’t supposed to get that-“

“Not unless I found yours or that little neechan’s dead body, I know. I have it anyway and I think I did a pretty good job with it.”

Kudou sighs.

Then he looks up. “You don’t figure you might have seen our cat, have you?”

-

It takes them about a month to compare notes. Technically it’s Heiji taking Kudou’s witness report, but they both know that’s garbage. Even though the critical part is not quite done yet, Heiji feels as if a weight has been lifted off his chest.

Kazuha notices, too.

“You’re doing better.”, she says one night, when Heiji almost falls asleep watching the News the third time this week.

“Eh?”, he asks. Him being crazily tired from work usually doesn’t count as him doing better in her books.

“You’re smiling.”, she says, matter-of-factly, but she’s smiling, too.

“Oh.”, he says. “Work is going well.”

She nods and doesn’t ask further. Heiji tells himself he’s not lying to her, just omitting the truth. It’s been his policy this far, or maybe always—don’t lie to Kazuha, keep your secrets if you must. He’s sure she knows there’s more to it, but she won’t ask him about work. She’s not cruel enough to.

“You know”, Kazuha says, and snuggles into his side as they sit next to each other on the couch, “I feel like things are changing, for all of us.”

“What do you mean?”, he asks, even if he feels like he already knows, but those are things Kazuha can’t know, never could guess.

“’M not sure.”, she says, yawning, “For all of us though. You, me, Ran-chan, Aoko-chan, Sonoko-chan. Something’s changing.”

“Think it’ll be good?”

She looks at him, and she’s so close, and Heiji wants to kiss her, but he doesn’t.

“I hope so.”, she says.

“Me too.”

-------- @mintchocolateleaves, @sup-poki

[animesshadow]

Did I create a monster?

It was late at night already. Erza was enjoying a book while comfortably sitting on a couch in her apartment in Fairy Hills. Every now and then the sound of thunder could be heard from outside. There was obviously quite the storm outside. Lightning could be seen flashing frequently from the window behind her. She was so absorbed by the content of the novel that it took her a few moments to realize that someone was knocking on the window behind her.

Eventually, she snapped out of her book and shifted her attention towards the window. She looked outside to see who it was that came knocking on her window at this late hour.

Through the rain, there was a small hooded figure standing on the branch of a tree that was close enough for a person to reach Erza’s apartment. It didn’t take her long to figure out who it was. The boys signature white scarf gave it away immediately.

Erza opened the window in surprise.

“Natsu? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Can we talk?... It’s important”

The small Natsu said a little nervous. 

Erza knew well that no boy was allowed in these dorms but she realized that it must have been something very important for him to seek her assistance at this hour. It must have been something that couldn’t wait

“Alright, get in.”

Erza said with a sigh and gestured him to climb through the window. Erza stepped aside and Natsu effortlessly climbed through the window.

Natsu was still a child. A child that Master brought to Fairy Tail a few years ago. Apparently, he was a so-called dragon slayer and the dragon Igneel who was a father figure to him went missing. He was completely on his own from that point so Master took him in hopes to give Natsu a place to stay and people he could see as family.

Master Makarov told Erza to keep an eye out for the boy. She was the most disciplined and reliable S-Rank mage in Fairy Tail so she was the perfect person to look after someone with such a strange magic. Natsu was typically a shy boy and didn’t talk out much to other people but over time Natsu seemed to grow kinda attached to Erza. He thought of Erza as something like an elder sister to him. She was basically the only person he can open up to in the entire guild.

“So, what’s wrong?”

Erza asked the troubled Natsu in front of her. She was worried because Natsu seemed to avert her gaze for some reason.

“Oh.. yes.. umm...”

Natsu fidgeted around before hesitantly pulled something that he hid in his wide raincoat. 

It was a bloody knife.

Erza’s eyes widened in surprise. She knew exactly what this meant. You see, Natsu had a few... problems. 

Before Master Makarov took Natsu in a few scientists found him by himself. They were fascinated by the human child that had the magic of a dragon inside of him. Apparently they did experiments on him to make a human-dragon hybrid weapon out of him. Even though Natsu was able to flee, these experiments didn’t leave Natsu unscathed. He developed some kind of bloodlust that always clouded his mind.

After Erza found out about this she tried everything she could to suppress these twisted emotions. However, none of her actions seemed to help. Recently Erza secretly let Natsu help out a butcher in his slaughterhouse. There Natsu could vent his bloodlust by killing animals that would have been slaughtered for meat anyway.

At first, this seemed to help. Killing animals helped Natsu reduce his bloodlust so much that it didn’t affect his mind. Natsu’s sadistic desire to torture and end lives was not something to take lightly. Erza watched Natsu at the slaughterhouse a couple of times. The sadistic joy on his face as his took an animal life with his own hands was outright horrific. Even with Erza’s experience the sight of a child that only seemed to feel alive by joyfully killing others made her turn pale in anxiety.

“... What happened?”

Erza asked. She still hoped that her worst fears didn’t get real and this was just misunderstanding. Deep down she could already feel that that wasn’t the case.

“It happened Erza-neechan... I... I killed someone...”

Natsu softly replied with his head hung low. He knew he did something terrible. That’s what everyone else would say at least.

“I see..”

So it finally happened. Even after everything they tried Erza knew that it only a matter of time until Natsu crossed the line.

“Tell me what happened. Every detail”

Erza looked sternly at Natsu expecting to hear the full story.

“I went to the graveyard again because it’s the only place I can fully relax... There was a man. He forcefully dragged a woman with him to a dark corner. The woman tried to scream and resist but the man was too strong and overpowered her easily... I went after them to see what happens. The man made a disgusting face... he took out a knife and threatened to slice the lady’s throat open if she continued to resist. He ripped off her close and started touching her while the woman could do nothing but cry in agony... There I felt it. This person was scum... So I took out the knife I took from the butcher-san. I crawled out of my hiding spot, ran up to him and sliced his carotid artery open before he could react. He would have bled out in a few seconds but I forcefully stabbed him in the chest multiple times until he finally stopped moving... Everything happened so fast. My mind went completely blank and everything I felt was the desire to end his life...”

Natsu explained what happened in every detail. That explained why Natsu’s coat was soaked in blood even though it was raining heavily outside. 

Erza listened to the story in silence. She noticed how Natsu’s eyes lit up as he relived the memory of his first kill. There was no hint of regret on Natsu’s face. Erza could fully imagine the wicked smile on his face as he overpowered a full grown adult and stabbed the life out of him. For him, it was probably the best moment in recent years. A moment he finally felt alive again.

“What happened with the woman? Did she see your face?”

At this point, Erza knew that talking about the morale of his actions was pointless now. Natsu has tasted human blood and he loved it. The euphoria he felt in the moment of his first kill was something that could never be achieved by killing animals anymore. Natsu was still a child. A child Erza promised to protect so she had to make sure the woman didn’t identify Natsu as the killer.

“She was in shock but after a few moments she snapped out of it and hugged me real tight. She repeatedly said ‘thank you, thank you’ for a while... Her trauma didn’t seem to allow her to fully grasp what happened there.”

Natsu said in a monotone voice. He didn’t seem to care about that woman at all. Of course, he didn’t. It no act of justice, vigilance or anything like that. Natsu didn’t step in to save the woman, he just wanted to kill someone.

“Did you... Did you kill her too?”

Erza was not so sure anymore if Natsu was able to tell the difference in those two people at that moment. She hoped that the criminal was the only one that died by Natsu’s hand tonight.

“No, of course I didn’t! That would have been wrong, wouldn’t it?... I told her to please not to tell anyone about what happened... She agreed and went home after she wiped her tears and put her clothes back on.”

Erza was a bit relieved. So Natsu did seem to have a small sense of morality left. Of course, she couldn’t be sure if it was just his bloodlust that was satisfied with one kill or if he really held back because the woman was a victim in the first place. But after seeing the face of the small boy she promised to take care of, she couldn’t help but believe him. 

“Let’s hope she really keeps her promise..”

Erza had no option but to trust the words of this random woman. Even though she knew it was wrong, she did not want to lose Natsu. For some people, this small kid may have been a monster. A monster that put on a human act to fool those around him as he felt no real emotions anymore. Something that has to be locked up or even killed but during the time she spent with that boy she couldn’t help but grow attached to him. She did not want to lose him!

“Listen Natsu. We both know that you won’t be able to stop killing at this point.”

Natsu was a bit embarrassed at the disappointment in Erza’s voice. He tried to look away to avert his gaze from her worried face. He may not feel any real emotions but for some reason, he always felt uncomfortable when he realized Erza was sad.

“I now fully realize that there is nothing I can do to erase your bloodlust. If it goes on uncontrolled like that you will one day be captured and imprisoned or executed... To be honest, I don’t want that to happen. After everything you’ve been through in the past, I know that it is not completely your fault that you are like this. You are a member of Fairy Tail now, a part of our family. You are important to me and I don’t want to see go on a mindless rampage.”

The worry and anxiety in Erza’s voice made Natsu feel even more uncomfortable. Nothing he did made him feel even remotely like that. He always put on a facade and acted like he cared about the things other people told him about. He put on a smile and acted like a regular child in the guild but honestly.. he didn’t care at all. So why did he feel this annoying feeling when Erza is worried like that?

“I can’t believe I am saying this but...” Erza mumbled to herself. “I know that it is impossible to fully suppress that ‘emotion’ completely. So we have to vent it in a controlled way.”

Natsu was surprised, to say the least. Is the righteous Erza-neechan in front of him really suggesting what he thinks it is?

“You will not, under no circumstances, kill an innocent person!”

“You mean...”

“As much as I hate to admit it, there are criminals out there that the law alone can not punish. People that are beyond saving. People who did, or still do, gruesome and horrible things...”

Memories of her past flashed back in her mind. Erza hated to remember these events so she shook her head to get rid of them immediately.

“If you ever want to kill someone again, it will be one of those criminals. Fairy Tail is one of the strongest guilds in Fiore so we regularly get information on dangerous criminals and dark guilds in Fiore.”

“Are you telling me, I can...?”

“I am not saying that you can go and kill those people as you see fit! Only when it gets impossible to suppress those emotions again I will consider pointing you to the right way.”

Natsu couldn’t believe it. Sure, it was shocking that Erza was pushed far enough to even consider something like this but for the most part, he felt happy. Maybe, just maybe, there will be a time when they can kill those criminals together. Those thoughts made Natsu almost jump up in anticipation. In his own twisted mind, he considered killing together the most intimate two people can get. 

“But beware! You will always have to make sure no one will be able to trace you back after ‘that’... I will have to teach you how to get rid of all the evidence.”

Erza hated herself for going that far. She was basically helping a murderer. But she couldn’t help herself, her disgust was overshadowed by the wish to protect this cute little boy. She didn’t know herself what it was that made her feel so attached to Natsu. She just didn’t want a child that had a terrible past to destroy himself by having no one to help him.

“Now, did you understand that?”

“Yes, I did!”

Natsu shouted out in confirmation while making an exaggerated nod.

Erza made a sigh of relief. She still felt troubled over what they discussed just now but she couldn’t bring herself to imprison that small child. She loved him too much to do that. 

“It is a promise, okay? I trust you that will not break that promise. From now on if it gets too much for you to handle, you will only kill those that can not be redeemed in any other way.”

After that, Erza set a strict set of guidelines to help Natsu channel his need to kill so that he can satisfy his ‘needs’ and, in some sense, do some good. Natsu would always make sure to remember these guidelines as the Code of Erza.

‘Did I create a monster?’ Erza finally thought to herself. She knew that it would not always be easy to live with Natsu’s actions but she had no other choice but to help him. She didn’t want to lose Natsu. ‘Or did I point it towards the right direction?’