#neither did Nina for that matter

[bitchthefuck1]

Since I have seen a few people try and frame Tolya being aroace as just a headcanon, or point out the (valid) fact that being aroace doesn't completely negate that someone can be in a relationship as a reason why having him be interested in Inej in the show isn't erasure, I feel like it's important to point out that he very specifically states in the text of one of the books that he has no interest in forming a romantic relationship or attachment with anyone and never has:

So yes. Shipping him with Inej, or anyone else, is erasing his canon sexuality. That's it.

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Touching [K. B.]

Kaz Brekker x fem!reader

word count: 4k

summary: you and Kaz share physical contact for the first time

warnings: established relationship, trauma, PTSD, spoilers for S&B season 2, here Kaz has no romantic feelings for Inej, and I don't even know where the hell this is located in canon (just imagine that the problem at the end of the series never happened) oh and Imogen's name appears in books according to google

taglist: @rustyyyyspoonz @be-lla-vie @milkshake0 @ladespedidas

Kaz Brekker could swear that he would faint at any moment as he climbed the stairs to his room, the cane in his left hand being the only impediment for this to happen. That day he had to leave the Slat to attend to some business that was complicated by the march and resulted in a physical altercation. Fortunately he hadn't been hurt, but he couldn't say the same for the other men.

Before opening the door, he let out a tired sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, mentally reviewing the pending documents that he would surely have to review the next day, but when he entered the room, his entire train of thoughts was overwhelmed by a presence in the place.

It was you, who was sitting in his desk chair with a book in your hands, from which you looked up when you heard that he had entered. You were already wearing a faded nightgown to sleep in and your features showed tiredness, but also calm.

"Hi," you said straightening up. Kaz felt your mere presence light up the entire room and his shoulders relaxed as you spoke.

"Hello" he replied with a hint of a smile. Without saying anything he went ahead until he reached the bed and you followed him with your eyes, turning in the chair to face him.

“Is it okay if I stay here? I'm sorry I didn't ask you before”

"It’s okay" he replied quietly.

It had been a couple of months since you and Kaz had decided… how shall I put it? Try to have a relationship. You had always been firm in the idea of conquering Kaz Brekker, even with his bad reputation and his difficult nature, since you joined the crows, a few years ago. He never understood why you did it, even feeling suffocated by your attentions, but over time (and after a lot of effort) he began to feel affection for you and eventually he came as close as he could feel to love. He began to care for you, to enjoy your company, and to feel nervous whenever he looked at you, which Nina helped him interpret as a crush.

You trusted that, despite his short temper, Kaz had a good heart and he had shown that more than once. You had never received mistreatment from him (beyond his typical responses towards others), he defended all the members of your group tooth and nail and he was firm in his ideals. Yes, of course he was a criminal, a gambler, and sometimes a murderer, but you knew that he was neither the only nor the worst in The Barrel. Besides, his motives were valid… most of the time.

So it was that a few months ago, during a drunken night, you two confessed your feelings. You were too cheerful to think about what you were saying and it was inevitable that the words slipped out of your mouth like water from a river. Kaz wasn't drunk enough to stop understanding what you were saying and you have a vague recollection that he just put you to sleep and didn't say anything. But hours later, when Jesper had personally taken it upon himself to push the black-haired man to his drinking limits, he burst into your room and only told you that he liked you too. Of course, in the morning the hangover was accompanied by guilt and when you sought him out to apologize, you were surprised that he hadn't felt offended and hadn't taken back his words either. You concluded that maybe the alcohol had given both of you the courage you needed and that was okay.

For a few days the matter remained like this, but then Kaz made an appointment with you in his office and steeling himself with courage, he told you about his interest in having something with you, but warning you that, considering all his characteristics, he was possibly not the best option and what should you look for someone better if you wanted it that way. But you wanted to try things and even more so if he had been the one who proposed it.

You were patient the whole time and gave Kaz the space he needed. Sometimes you just spent time in his office, in silence, and watching him work was satisfying enough. Little by little he allowed you to enter more spaces of his daily life and although you had kept the relationship private, suspicions arose one morning when you left his room and Nina, probably the gossipiest of your friends, saw you.

A couple of times you had held his hand over his gloves and once you had kissed his cheek, only because he was too asleep to notice. It was slow progress, but you could live with it.

Now you were trying to sleep together. You'd obviously replaced Kaz’s thin mattress with a larger one and figured out a way to make it work; between him and you, you placed a line of pillows so that you avoided physical contact. Simple but effective.

"How was it?"

“It could have been better”

"You should rest" you suggested, analyzing how bad he had been after the fight that he surely had. There were no visible bumps or scratches, thankfully.

"Yeah, I will" he replied very vaguely. You saw him look up a little at you and you wondered what he was looking for "What were you reading?"

“Huh, a book that Jesper won in a bet. It is the story of a warrior princess who has to defend her kingdom”

"Sounds nice" he exclaimed. There was the beginning of a smile gracing his face and you didn't think he was aware of it, but he'd been doing it for the past couple of weeks every time you talked to him about something. Every time you spoke, simply.

"It is," you said happily. Kaz had already made a mental note about your fascination with literature, and at the next heist he planned to keep a couple of books for you, if the opportunity arose.

You wanted to continue talking to him, but the truth was that you were only waiting for him to arrive to sleep and you were sure that, although he wouldn’t admit it, Kaz needed rest as much as you did. That's why you got up from the chair and before he said anything else you sat on the bed, next to him.

"I'm tired" you murmured, making a tiny pout and watching him with tender eyes. He was very handsome, you thought of that whenever you saw him.

"Lie back, while I organize some things"

"Come on, Kaz" you complained, b because you knew these activities could last hours and he deprived himself of sleep to finish them "Tomorrow you can do it, sleep with me" you insisted, stretching out your hand until you reached his. He was wearing the gloves and your fingers slipped under his, only taking the tips around your hand.

Both of your gazes landed there, you wondering what it would feel like to hold Kaz’s hand without the leather in between and him admiring the difference in size between your hands and his. You had them damaged around the nails and the skin marked with a few moles, but for him they were perfect. When you started to move your thumb from side to side he looked up, noticing that his eyelids were already weighing you down, and he sighed. For some time now he hasn't been able to say no to anything you ask of him, much less when you look so delicate and hold his hand.

"Okay, go to sleep then"

You suppressed a smile, without much success, and watched him remove several layers of clothing to only be left with his shirt and pants. You had never seen him naked, and you doubted very much that you would soon, but you liked the lightness that appeared in him when he was left with few clothes. As if by taking them off he was also abandoning all the problems that he accumulated during the day.

You carefully slid to your side of the bed, against the wall, and made sure the pillow divider was in place. He kept you company moments after turning off the lamp.

"Good night," you said kindly. Whenever you stayed there you wanted to tell him that you loved him before going to bed, but the intention never materialized. The first few times Kaz was very tense and hardly slept, although by this point he had gotten used to it and he was handling it well; even he would say that he rested more knowing that you kept him company.

"Sweet dreams," he said, with a gentle tone that took you by surprise. You were internally grateful that the room was dark or he would have seen your flushed face.

It didn't take long for you to give up, but Kaz, no matter how hard he tried, couldn't fall asleep. Although having you by his side had relaxed him a lot, for a couple of days there was a matter interrupting his thoughts and it was related to the dreams that had come to replace his habitual nightmares.

In all of them you were the protagonist and he... touched you. In every possible way and every sense of the word, as if it were something natural that didn’t take any effort. At first he was terrified of how real the dreams felt, almost swearing that the night before he had passionately kissed you only to realize that you were still on the other side of that fence of pillows you had placed for his comfort. Kaz had wanted to ignore all of this, but each time these thoughts became more frequent and stronger: What would it feel like to hug you? And accommodate your hair? Would he be able to caress you as he knew you wanted and deserved?

The black-haired man could be evil at times and he seemed unaffected by anything, but the insecurities and fears inside him were bigger than anyone could imagine. Even the day you confessed to him that you liked him, he feared that you were lying or that it was just drunken incoherence.

So now that a few months had passed he felt he had to offer you at least some physical contact or else you'd end up getting bored of him like Imogen once had. But that was another story.

Kaz was startled when he heard you complain and looked silently in your direction, but it turned out that you weren't awake, you had only changed position. From that angle he could see the whole silhouette of your body and part of your face, even more peaceful when you were asleep, everything so beautiful that he wondered how you could be real and especially because you were sharing a room with a person like him. 

His hands didn't have gloves on and even though they had been at his sides the whole time, he felt the urge to move them away. He wondered what it would feel like to touch your skin or if he would actually be able to do it without panicking and as the desire was greater than the fear, without giving it much thought he reached out his arm towards you, preparing to touch your bare forearm. He breathed once, then twice, and finally, he did.

He had to remind himself that your skin wasn’t that of some wet corpse and for this he concentrated on how it really felt; it was warm and soft. His hand trembled on your body and he feared to wake you, but even with this he didn't move away. He didn't know how long it was before he was able to breathe normally, but once he did he waved his hand a couple of times and if you had been awake you would have been amazed at the gentleness with which he did it.

Kaz pulled away a few seconds later, seized with the sudden strange feeling that he couldn't leave him so easily, and with an angry huff he jumped up to wash his hands. He wanted to change and improve for you, but it was complicated and it frustrated him.

Either way, he was thankful that you hadn't seen his experiment and concluded that it was better, so he could move at his own pace. When he lay down again he kept looking at you, taking the opportunity to reflect on the matter, until his body couldn't take it anymore and the unconsciousness of the dream ended up consuming him completely.

And of course, he dreamed of you again.

The days passed as normal and life at The Barrel continued as usual. The crow club was in full swing after the renovations Kaz had done, almost a year ago now, and there was more work than ever. Jesper and Wylan always went everywhere together and the girls at The Menagerie were great with attention, but it still seemed like it was never enough. Nina and Matthias weren't very active members and Inej's visits weren't as frequent now that she led a life at sea. You were in charge of supervising several of the things, on behalf of your boyfriend, and sometimes you also served drinks. The club had gone from being the favorite place for seedy drunkards to a refined place where more and more people came to gamble and have fun. Of course more visits meant more money and you knew that made the owner happy, but it also loaded him with work.

"Knock, knock," you said happily, as you peeked out of his office door, tray in hand. Kaz raised his head from the papers with the accounts he was reviewing and met you "I brought you dinner"

"Dinner?"

“Yes, it is one of the three meals of the day. It's important and you always forget about it" you explained, placing a plate in front of him that contained some cookies, and bread and leaving a cup of coffee without sugar next to it "I didn't know what you might be craving, so I brought something light"

“Thank you,” he said as he watched you drop into an adjoining chair, your own mug of hot chocolate in hand.

"How is everything going?"

"Okay, I'm still missing a couple of things"

"Do you want me to go?"

"No" he replied. How could you think of that? Of course he wanted you there.

During these weeks you had noticed Kaz a little strange, as if he was suddenly more condescending or permissive with you, but you enjoyed these changes. You couldn't know it, but he had been running little experiments like the one he did when you were sleeping. When you were interrupting the path he needed to travel, he would move you to the side at the waist, when you sat next to each other at crow meetings, he would link his knee to yours, and you caught him picking some rubbish out of your hair more than once. So you, too, had begun looking for more intimate ways to engage with him, like taking him out to dinner after a tiring day, curious as to how far he would let you go.

You made small talk about trivial matters and took the opportunity to make sure he consumed some of what you brought him, which he did with pleasure.

When you finished Kaz went back to his work and you decided that it was better to occupy yourself with something else, preferably quietly so as not to interrupt him. Your visits to his study were almost always like this, so you already had some things for your entertainment in a drawer. You pulled out a puzzle that you and Inej used to put together all the time and spread it out on the floor, sitting in a lotus position in front of it, willing to be at it for a while.

But on that particular day he couldn't focus on anything but you. Out of the corner of his eye, he would catch a glimpse of your attentive frown and your hands tapping the floor impatiently for not finding the right pieces, finding both quite adorable.

All day he had been seriously thinking about making a risky move and now that the opportunity presented itself he felt more nervous than he had imagined, so he kept silent for a long time where you didn't even notice the crisis internal he was having.

"Kiss me"

The words were spoken so quietly and hastily that you feared you had hallucinated them and your neck might have snapped from the quickness with which you looked up at him.

"Did you say something?"

"Kiss me" he repeated, loud and clear so that this time there would be no doubt of what he was saying. You felt that your heart was going to jump out of your chest due to the astonishment that such a sudden request produced in you. Kaz was asking you for a kiss? Impossible.

You were stunned for a few seconds, looking directly into those sky-colored eyes that were waiting for an answer. What kind of kiss was he asking you? It was like a kiss on his cheek or… on his lips perhaps? Why was he asking you that in the first place? And why had he thrown it at you just like that?

"If you don't want to, that's fine," he added, with a disappointed tone, and you jumped to your feet as soon as you heard that.

"No, no. I was just... surprised, that's all" you explained, completely nervous, because you didn't want him to regret it.

You walked up to face him and the height difference forced Kaz to look down at you with doe eyes you never imagined he could have and didn't even know he was aware of. He felt slightly intimidated, more by the situation itself than by you, and one of his hands went directly to hold the wood of the chair to try to calm down.

You took a deep breath and looked closely at the black-haired man's face, thinking about which part of his face would be more suitable for kissing; the skin on his cheeks? His forehead? Or go once and for all for those thin pink lips?

When you crouched down he held his breath and you saw him tense when you got closer to his face, but you still continued because you knew he would mark the limit, if there was one. You closed your eyes and finally closed the distance, pressing your lips against his for just a second. Your stomach turned and when you straightened up your cheeks were flushed crimson, but it worried you that Kaz hadn't flinched. You would even say that he seemed to be angry.

"Give me a proper kiss"

You felt your legs shake and you thought you were going to faint right there after hearing him. He wasn't even asking, he was demanding it. Kaz was practically yelling at you that he was going to settle for the simple lip brush you just gave him, he wanted more.

You were a mess at the thought of him wanting to take such a big step, but you tried your best to hold it back and nodded softly at him. A proper kiss would require more than just you standing in front of him, so you sat on Kaz’s lap, who nearly squealed in surprise.

"If you want to stop, just say so" you warned him. But you had already gone too far, he didn't want to stop and of course you didn't either.

Your feet dangled over the side of the chair and you made yourself more comfortable resting your hands on his clothed shoulders, hoping that with that separation of cloth Kaz would feel less uncomfortable, until your face was right in front of his.

There was so much fear in his eyes that you wanted to walk away, but you knew that with that you would spoil all the effort he was making and you feared that he would be offended to the point of not wanting to kiss you anymore.

You would be lying when you said that you didn’t want it, that you didn’t long for to finally be able to know what his kisses would taste like and thus be able to alleviate the knot in your stomach that you had since that party night when you confessed your love, so without more or less you leaned a little and then you kissed him.

At first it was a mere assumption, but when you felt how tense he was you knew that he had never kissed anyone in his life. You could feel his panic through the trembling sighs that escaped him, but you didn't give up for a second from your task.

"Relax your lips" you said, separating yourself enough centimeters to be able to articulate the words "And the shoulders too" you continued, stroking that section with both hands to help it a little "Just focus on how it feels"

Your whispers sounded like spells to him as if they were instructions to follow to achieve the happiness he so wanted and didn't know how to obtain.

You tried again and since he followed your advice the contact was more fluid. Suddenly all negative feelings were replaced by the pleasure of savoring your lips, still with the flavor of the impregnated chocolate, and of feeling your warm body so close to his. There were no traumatic memories because he had never kissed anyone before Jordie’s death, nor since. It was something new, different, and it was also unique because it was you who was there.

He began to pay more attention to details and enjoyed the way your lips caught one of his, so subtly that he could barely identify it, or how your hands had already gone up to his neck to hold it. Kaz’s gloved hands moved almost by themselves to your waist and it was your turn to hold your breath, probably under the impression that he had done something like that.

You cut off the kiss, but then another followed, and when that one ended another came. Suddenly everyone was down to you and Kaz having a little make-out session in his office, a moment he never wanted to end. Maybe it was the sensation of trying something forbidden, but you felt that the man's kisses had the most intoxicating flavor on the entire planet, as if everything you had ever enjoyed was nothing compared to that. And he couldn't do anything more than practically melt under your caresses and let you do whatever you wanted with him.

For some reason Kaz was finally overwhelmed by the contact, but instead of throwing you out of there he pulled you away with his grip on your waist, calm and gentle.

"It’s enough" he whispered. It wasn't because he wasn't enjoying it, but because he knew better than anyone that you couldn't give yourself completely to life’s pleasures or they would end up consuming you from the roots.

He didn't want to open his eyes for fear that it was all another one of those dreams and also to somehow extend the sensation as much as possible, but you didn't want to do anything but look at him. He was breathing heavily and the usual paleness of his skin had been replaced by a vermilion hue and to your surprise his hands hadn't left the position they were in, which you took as a sign that he still wanted you sitting on his legs.

“Are… are you okay?” you asked cautiously, knowing that closed eyes and heavy breathing were also symptoms of a panic attack that you definitely didn't want to happen.

"No” you barely had time to worry and think about what you could do before you heard a soft laugh. Kaz Brekker was laughing “Oh my gosh of course I'm not okay. You're driving me completely crazy” he responded and managed to make the phrase sound like a claim and a compliment at the same time.

"Was it that bad?"

"It was perfect. You are” he confessed and you exhaled a nervous laugh, feeling as foolish as a girl in love. Both of your hands were planted on his chest, so you started to play with a button on his shirt to try to calm your emotions.

“I'm glad you… huh, that we could share this. I really wanted to kiss you” you dared to tell him.

Although he was apparently calm, the truth was that he was having a hard time not separating from you, but the only reason he hadn't was because of the loving and happy expression that was on your face, which probably, to a lesser extent, he also had.

"Me too" he assured you, with that little smile you had already begun to love.

And that kiss represented the beginning of a path that Kaz was willing to walk, as difficult as it was, only for the promise that at the end of the day it would all be worth it if you were the one waiting for him. 

[gotholdladywithadhd]

Unpopular opinion, probably.

So I've read many metas, and thought a lot about it and have come to my own personal conclusion about the final 15.

I'm taking it at face value.

Because it was the most human Crowley and Aziraphale have probably ever been and I think that is at least part of the point. Love makes people stupid and they are navigating a very human thing in very unhuman circumstances, and it's hard enough to do as a human in human circumstances!

I think Aziraphale believed the Metatron about Crowley bc he was expecting the worst when TM mentioned Crowley but instead got the one thing he wanted most (him and Crowley together and safe, not Crowley being an angel. ) Crowley was absolutely the carrot here. (and no I do not think Crowley would have been safe or happy, but that's besides the point.) I can't tell you how many times I've believed patently ridiculous things because I wanted to believe them so badly even though if I was looking at the same situation objectively from an outside POV I would see how ridiculous it was, so I totally get it. This isn't to say I think Azi had a real choice to go to Heaven or not and I think he did understand that as well, but I get the temptation the Metatron threw out to him, I really do.

As for Aziraphale literally saying all the wrong things to try and get Crowley to come with him? Um yeah been there done that too, the nerves take over, the brain shuts off, the mouth goes into autopilot pulling stuff out its ass, and "WITAF did I just say?" happens.

Crowley not taking any of it well and only hearing what he expected to hear (I'm not good enough for you bc I'm a demon and you only really want me if I can be an angel) *and* also being more able to see through heavens bullshit bc he has lived it, and can see it from the outside, *and* all whilst being the most honest and vulnerable he has ever been with Aziraphale in 6,000 plus years (or in fact possibly to anyone, ever. the closest before this admitting he was lonely to Azi during the Job minisode,) *then* hearing what he took to be the same Heaven will save us line from Azi was enough to trigger a massive bout of RSD and a broken heart. Everything was supposed to "vavoom and sorted! " and instead the stupid awning broke and everything went wrong. I think I've said it before that at this point Crowley can't hear anything over the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces.

That's a whole lot to pack into the brief moments before Azi has to leave with the Metatron (who let's be honest was rushing him before he could change his mind) esp when neither of them are used to discussing their relationship openly. They didn't have time to think, to ask questions, to share information, (like hey guess what really happened to Gabriel?) Crowley tried to communicate as much as he could about his feelings with the kiss but Azi didn't have the time to properly process all that and said the wrong thing again and Crowley was rejected (he thought) again and it all just went so very wrong. You can't fix a 6,000 year relationship in 15 minutes, you just can't no matter what the story books say.

It's about two people wanting the same thing but not being able to get it (yet) because of circumstances and personalities. All of S2 was about them seeming to be closer than ever (and in many ways they were) but really they were opposed at almost every turn. (in RL not the minisodes, those actually showed them working together and coming out okay mostly, if you don't count wee Morag or Crowley getting dragged to hell) The way they both handled the Gabriel situation, how they both worked to solve the mystery, even how they tried to make Nina and Maggie fall in love were all either done alone, or in opposite ways. I've said it before and I'll say it again, as it was pointed out right in ep1, their exactlies aren't the same and until they are, they aren't going to be able to be together. The one time they did work together in the season, they produced a 25 lazuri miracle. That is the point of the final 15, and the whole season 2 in my opinion.

They'll get there in the end though!

[lunarthecorvus]

My six of crows headcanon -

Nina and Jesper have a bet about when Kaz and Inej get together

Nina and Jesper have had a bet going on about when Kanej is going to finally admit their feelings to each other and get together for a while.

During this time, Inej finds out about this bet (Nina and Jesper didn't know this), and she goes to Kaz and tells him about this bet. At this point, they have been secretly dating for a few months, but don't feel ready to tell people yet.

One day, though, while Kaz is having breakfast in the Van Eck mansion (a rarity), Kaz goes to leave and kisses Inej on the head. Nina squeals and points at them and fully whacks Jesper on the arm to get his attention.

During this, both Kaz and Inej are frozen, realising what they just did. In the end, Jesper won the bet.

Nina doesn't let Kaz leave and demands that they tell them everything about their relationship. Of course, neither Kaz nor Inej tells them everything, but Inej says quite a bit because Kaz isn't the most talkative about personal matters.

After finding out about Inej and Kazs secret relationship, both Nina and Jesper are speechless and sit frozen. Wylan finds this very amusing and laughs at seeing those two so quiet, however he's also shocked but not too surprised as he caught them kissing a month back (Kaz and Inej doesn't know that he saw that) and had suspicions before that.

For dramatic effect, both Kaz and Inej leave to work, Inej on her ship and Kaz running the Dregs.

[glowinggator]

Could I please request some romantic childhood friends to young adult lovers headcannons with Rocky, Freckle, and Ivy? I feel like this trope would suit these three very well, especially for our favorite chaotic musician.

Absolutely my love! This was an absolute blast to write -- I forgot how much I loved this trio! Below the cut! <3

Roark “Rocky” Rickaby

Rocky’s world has been on the verge of collapse for… well, almost as long as he can remember really. And you know what they say — at the end of everything, hold onto anything. Your presence in his life has been, arguably, the number one thing keeping him afloat in the dark waves that have been rolling through his life since death struck his home.

But even before that, you were like his other half — a partner in crime, if you will! Anyone looking in would see the two of you as part of some sort of circus act, with how easily you meshed together.

You were practically attached at the hip — hardly ever found without the other, the two of you did just about everything together.

Playing pranks on the neighbors before running down the street, hand in hand.

Dancing between each other, tails interlocking and then fanning back out to the side, you possessed a shared grace that only came with the deepest of friendships.

Finishing each others’ sentences, no matter how complex, with hardly even a glance toward the other, things just came naturally. His mother always said the two of you would get married someday, with how easily things seem to come to the two of you — he agreed, but on the condition that he’d get to play all the music. You agreed too, so long as you got to sing.

Of course, things changed when the Red Death came.

Just as you shared all things, you shared his grief, too. He still remembers how you ran after his train heading off towards St. Louis, trying to commit his face to memory. He kept every letter you sent, and waited dutifully by the door every Christmas morning for you to keep your own promise to visit.

(You always kept your promises. Always. He supposes your own parents must have seen how close the two of you were, knew it would have killed you to keep you away.)

But most of all, he remembers how magical it was to sweep you back into his arms, when you joined him on the run at the age of 16.

He’s not sure when things changed — he doesn’t think they ever really did, actually. There’s always been a deep love between you — you just didn’t have the words to describe it, yet. And so when your lips met under the starry sky one night on a warm Summer night, for the first time since childhood, neither of you pulled away. No stammering words, or flustered shakes. It was just as things were always meant to be.

Calvin “Freckle” Allen McMurray

Calvin was never the most social kid. Talking to people can be intimidating, and really, he does better when he can think out some responses first… which doesn’t really happen, in a conversation. And so, he’s always been pretty happy to just stay inside and read. Maybe meander out to the field to watch a game or two in peace.

But you? You’re an exception.

Nina praises God every day that you’re in his life. She’s always been so worried for the boy, concerned that he’s not getting enough sunshine. The last thing she wants is for her son to become a shut-in, and with how shy he is, she thought it was an impossibility. But you, shining you, seem to have brightened up his life a bit.

He still remembers the day that you moved into the neighborhood, how insistent your parents were on having the two of you meet. He stood behind his mother’s leg, peering out anxiously. You weren’t much better off in that department, clearly nervous. But once the two of you were shoved together? Things just… flowed. And sure, it took little Calvin a minute to open up, but once he did? He’d wait by the door every day for you to come over, legs swinging over the side of the chair with a new book clutched to his chest.

You’re a perfect duo together — you two love spending time inside together, but you always manage to drag him out for a little adventure on the streets at some point during the day.

And well, you can’t help but coax him into a bit of secret mischief every now and again. He says he’s a good kid who never breaks the rules, and he’ll say it until his very last breath… but the giddy laugh he gives out says otherwise, even if he does clamp his hands over his mouth right after.

You became a bit of a bodyguard for Freckle once Rocky moved in with them — you still participated in the group shenanigans of course, but it was nice to have someone to run to when he couldn’t run away from one of Rocky’s new experiments.

He still remembers how you begged his mom to take the three of you to the amusement park up the road for his 12th birthday, how you saved every penny you got from your chores to pay for it all. How you managed to get her to agree he still has no idea, but its one of his favorite memories. Rocky had to be carried home, crashed out from the sugar high, but Freckle? He was still teeming with adrenaline. You made sure to drag him to the brand-new Ferris Wheel, knowing his secret penchant for thrills, and once he got up to the very top, he never wanted to come down. Not just because of the adrenaline rush that comes with seeing the whole world at once for the first time, but because of how close the two of you were.

He hadn’t felt shy around you in years, but for some reason, your body heat seeping into him made his breath catch in his throat and his face hot. And it was addicting.

From then on, he was just the slightest bit different around you. Not in a bad way, mind you — but still, noticeable. He perks up a bit more when you speak, jumps a bit more when you reach out to him, leans into your touch when you connect.

He vehemently denies any feelings when Nina starts prodding him about it, of course.

His confession is more accidental than anything else.

He’s had plenty of admirers in highschool, all of whom have tried to confess their adoration in different ways. But by far the most popular was through letter. Flustered faces and twitching ears as they hand over pink envelopes, only to be left unopened in his bedside drawer.

You had asked once, kicked back on his bed as he put away yet another perfumed letter, why he never responded to any of them. They’re pretty, they’re nice… so why not give it a shot?

He didn’t know how to explain that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to date, it’s that he didn’t want to date them.

And slowly, all the pieces in your shared mind clicked together. And when you interlocked your hands — an action you had done a million times before — it felt… different. Things had always felt natural, but this time, it felt right.

You don’t know who leaned in first — as with all things in your lives, it was probably yet another shared action. What you do know is that you had many, many years to make up for.

Ivy Pepper

Ivy has never quite meshed with her peers — she gets along with them great, but they’ve never been exactly what she’s looking for. Too prim, too proper, too afraid of getting mussed up. She wants adventure! She wants fun!

And you? You’re fun.

As she got older and older, her parents just seemed to have less and less time for her. And yes, it kind of crushed her. But you’re her home away from home — her best friend in the world, the person who is there for her when noone else is. Her dad hardly knows a thing about her, but nowadays it seems like you know everything there is to know about her.

When she was little she’d wait by the door for your parents to bring you by, bouncing eagerly on the balls of her feet. But once you got older? She’d be running off in the early hours of the morning to your meeting spot out on the corner… or scaling your house to shimmy through your bedroom window. There was never any need, of course — she just liked the rush that came with doing something she technically shouldn’t. And she really liked the stifled giggles that would fall from your lips when you gripped her hands to pull her through the opening.

You’re a couple of sweet little con artists, taking the phrase “partners in crime” to new heights. Ivy, the doll-faced sweetheart, and you, the instigator. You make a great team together, but honestly, it’s more about the fun than it is the nickles and dimes you earn.

Whenever her favorite songs come on the record player, you always have your hand extended to her before she even has to ask.

Ivy has had plenty of boyfriends in the past, but none of them have ever felt like the romance books that she reads in her spare time. The closest she’s ever felt to that is… with you.

She remembers one night, when she shimmied through your window for the millionth time, just laying on your bed together. Giggling with each other on the duvet, shushing one another in hushed whispers, and illuminated only by candlelight. The light glimmered, highlighting your features, and she was struck with the urge to reach out, to touch, to hold and be held, and God, she just never wanted the night to end. She knew then that this was what all the books had been writing about, this exact feeling. And as your giggles died down, she couldn’t help but reach out to you, touching fingertips. Contact, in the name of “comparing hand sizes,” unity upheld in the candlelight.

After that night, things are a bit different. She’s flirted with so many people before, but you? You’re… different. She’s just as bold, mind you, but her smile when you fluster or respond back is more giddy than you’ve ever seen her before.

She plays coy, but you’re practically her other half — you know all of her tricks.

So when she leans into your space one night, hands placed just shy of your crossed legs, asking to kiss you, just to know what it’s like? You know exactly what she’s getting at — know that this is so much more than just an experiment between friends.

And when your lips meet, you wonder why you ever labored through the song and dance before, when you could have had this the whole time.

[garfinkelstingle]

all the things (and nothings) | jeremiah fisher

pairing: jeremiah fisher x reader (gender not specified)

warnings: pretty sure that for the very first time there are NONE!!!!!!

word count: 265

summary: reader is just very lucky to have someone like jeremiah in her life

a/n: please do not ask me where this came from. it was written in five minutes but i do like it. it's cute. plus i haven't posted in an actual eternity so i'm happy to have released something!! also there's a ton of (normal-length) stuff that i'm working on since my internship was going kinda slow so i'll be sure to release some more stuff this summer :) also really hope you're all doing blissfully well xxx

masterlist

I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head. —Nina LaCour

You were talking; you had been for hours. Neither of you were really sure what it was you were talking about, but it didn't matter. It never did with Jeremiah.

With him, every topic was treated as if it was of utmost importance. He would focus his entire attention on you, and stare you down with those big blue's of his. There was no "too ridiculous" or "who cares?" with him. Everything you said mattered, no matter how idiotic or miniscule.

He would remember every little detail of whatever it is you talked about last time, and make sure to incorporate it into your next discussion if it fit, showing you that he paid attention, always, and that he really, truly, cared.

You never had that before, not from your parents, or friends, or boyfriends. There was always something you said that didn't belong or wasn't of importance; you never minded. That's how it's always been, and you were okay with it. You've learned to live with it. Everyone somehow did, didn't they?

But you never actually realized how big of a deal it was. How amazing it was, to have found someone who wanted to hear about all the things that went on in your head, no matter what. It was special, and so was he, and you were lucky, so, so lucky. That you were aware of, would always be aware of.

You loved him, and he loved you, and if you were to talk about nothing for the rest of your lives—it was nice to know that that would never change.

[queenshelby]

Yes! Mr Murphy (Rewritten)

PART 46: FAMILY

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Lots of Angst, Age Gap, Teacher x Student, Extreme Smut

PLEASE COMMENT AND ENGAGE!

When you arrived at home later that day, you asked Emma to give you some space and, as luck would have it, Nina was Danielle, giving you and Cillian some time alone. 

"Hey babe, how did you go?" he asked as soon as you walked through the door of his apartment, his face etched with concern.

Cillian placed his arms around you gently, pulling you close to his chest. His embrace was warm and inviting, but something inside you hesitated. Even though you longed for affection and solace, this situation required a candid discussion – and one that you desperately wished to avoid.

"Well, I know why I have been getting sick recently," you finally admitted with reluctance, taking a seat on the couch with him.

Cillian furrowed his brow, his blue eyes searching yours for answers. 

"And? Tell me," he said, his voice filled with concern as he noticed your reluctance and, just as he did, you steeled yourself against the wave of pain that threatened to engulf you.

"It turns out that I am pregnant," you uttered these words, knowing they would undoubtedly affect everything in your world, including your future together.

Silence fell upon the room like a dense fog, filling the void where air used to flow freely.

For what felt like hours, neither of you spoke, neither of you moved, your hearts throbbing loudly within your respective chests. The weight of the revelation hung heavily in the air, thickening until it became almost suffocating.

Then, you saw it. Flickering uncertainty shimmered in Cillian's eyes, betraying the fact that he hadn't seen this coming either. It dawned on you that despite all the passionate nights shared between the sheets, he too must be feeling as dumbfounded as you.

"Are you sure?" Cillian questioned you softly, a tremor lacing his tone.

Slowly, you nodded, acknowledging the gravity of the truth and the implications that came along with it. Both of you sat motionless, caught in the vortex of uncertainty swirling around you both.

Finally, breaking the silence, Cillian cleared his throat before speaking again. "But you said that you couldn't fall pregnant after your surgery earlier this year," he pointed out, his voice conveying confusion mixed with disappointment.

You bit your lip, the guilt welling up inside you. There was no use denying it anymore, and besides, you owed him honesty, especially in such matters. Taking a deep breath, you explained the entire incident leading to the conception.

"Before my operation, the doctor assured us that there was very little chance of falling pregnant. I lost one of my fallopian tubes and have a substantial amount of scar tissue on my uterus. The chances were near zero," you recounted, watching as Cillian digested the information, but chuckling slightly, nonetheless.

"Cillian, I don't think that's funny," you snapped, irritated at his cavalier attitude toward something that could fundamentally alter both of your lives.

He quickly looked away, shame evident on his features. "No, sorry. It's just… your choice of words amused me. You said that the chances were 'near zero'..." he explained before taking your hands into his and then there was an awkward pause before you decided to delve deeper into the matter at hand. 

"I made an appointment for a termination procedure," you told him bluntly, hoping that stating it plainly might ease the tension building between you. However, you noticed that instead of reacting negatively or showing anger towards your statement, Cillian remained silent for several moments, contemplating the gravity of your words. Eventually, he spoke.

"What if we kept it?" he proposed, surprising you with his unexpected suggestion. 

Your mouth opened to protest, but he raised his index finger and stopped you mid-sentence.

"Don't say anything yet," he commanded gently. "Just hear me out," he begged and you nooded.

"I know that I said that I do not want any more children and I know that you said that, having a child of your own, was not on your radar, but what are the odds Y/N? Maybe it was fate?" Cillian reasoned earnestly, gazing deeply into your eyes, seeking confirmation of his argument.

"I know you would be amazing as a mother and I can see myself starting a family with you," he then finally said, and his proposal left you speechless because you weren't expecting him to take this turn.

You felt like a rollercoaster ride of conflicting emotions was running wild through your body - shock, happiness, excitement, and dread all melded together. And while you could feel your heart bursting open with love for Cillian, the fear of raising a child amidst his hectic work schedule also loomed large. Yet, his sincerity touched you deeply, making it hard to resist his request.

"You really want me to keep the baby?" you asked tentatively, wanting to ensure that you understood correctly. Cillian smiled reassuringly, a mix of pride and joy spread across his visage.

"Yes Y/N. I know that, realistically, it happened too soon, but I already turned 47 and the chances of you conceiving again when we are ready are far too low, so let's start our family together now," he cupped your face tenderly, looking at you with adoration. "This could be a blessing in disguise," he insisted, adding further conviction to his proposition.

Intrigued, you mulled over his proposal.

Despite your initial resistance due to practical concerns, your feelings began to shift. Deep down, you knew that, if you were to terminate, you might be regretting it later on and, perhaps, this unexpected gift could be an opportunity for growth and a step forward in your relationship. 

The thought resonated strongly with you, and suddenly, it seemed less daunting to consider becoming parents together.

"Fuck, okay. Let's start a family," you agreed to Cillian's plea with resignation, your heart sinking into your belly as you tried to wrap your head around this sudden change of events. The two of you sat silently once more, processing this significant pivot in your lives.

After spending a few minutes in quiet reflection, Cillian pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arms securely around your waist. Sensing your turmoil, he whispered softly into your ear, offering words of assurance. "I promise, we will figure this out together," he vowed.

"Tomorrow, I will get in contact with my real estate agent and find us a house, something with a yard, near the beach," he continued, his plan already forming in his mind. Your heart swelled with appreciation for his determination and willingness to adapt. He truly meant what he said about starting a family with you.

There was still a lot to discuss and prepare for, but somehow, in spite of all challenges ahead, a sense of optimism settled comfortably within you. Perhaps this unplanned pregnancy could indeed bring you even closer together. After all, love knows no bounds and obstacles often serve as catalysts for personal growth.

With renewed hope, anticipation blooming within you, you allowed yourself to envision a new path, one where parenthood awaited at the end of it while Cillian nuzzled your hair, sending a surge of affection coursing through your veins.

"You are going to look incredible with my child growing inside you," he murmured, pressing his lips against your neck again more aggressively this time. 

"Really? This actually turns you on?" you chuckled in response to his growing arousal over the fact that you would soon be huge with child. Cillian grinned widely, his lust apparent.

"I suppose it does," he answered sheepishly, a blend of desire and protectiveness flickering behind his deep blue eyes.

You giggled, feeling a familiar heat igniting within your core. Glancing at the clock, you noted how late it had become. Despite your lingering anxiety regarding this major turning point in your life, a twinge of eagerness took hold as you considered indulging in something you knew would become rather rare once you became parents. 

As if reading your thoughts, Cillian rose from the sofa, pulling you up alongside him.

"Come," he said he led you briskly toward the bedroom, his steps measured and confident and, once you were inside, he pulled you into his embrace once more. 

"I love you so much," Cillian whispered into your ear, sending a shiver cascading down your spine. His touch was gentle, caresses light enough to leave only traces of his presence upon your skin, teasing you without fully satisfying the aching need pulsing beneath your surface now. 

"And I love you too," you replied, your fingers tracing the curve of his jaw, marveling at the warmth radiating off his skin. The scent of his cologne filled your nostrils, evoking a memory of the night you met.

After not too long, you felt his erection pressed firmly against your stomach, and you smirked playfully. Cillian's desire for you was undeniable, despite everything else happening in his life.

He kissed you passionately, hungrily, as though trying to convey volumes with just his lips alone. Your hands found their way underneath his clothes, exploring every dip and curve of his physique. Each caress sent electric currents shooting throughout your body, creating sensual tension between the two of you.

The chemistry between you seemed stronger than ever, as if destiny herself had intervened, conspiring to make sure that these two souls would always remain intertwined.

Moving swiftly and gracefully, you slid off your clothes and made your way onto the mattress, allowing Cillian to follow suit. Your bodies meshed perfectly together, fitting seamlessly like pieces of a puzzle. As you lay side by side, Cillian’s palm rested lovingly on your abdomen, gently stroking the sensitive area, eliciting involuntary moans from your lips.

"How far along are you?" Cillian asked curiously, gliding his hands expertly across your body, mapping out every contour with his gentle fingertips. His movements brought forth waves of pleasure, drawing you closer still.

"Eight weeks," you responded truthfully, closing your eyes briefly, savoring the sensation of his deft touch. Inhaling sharply, you breathed out, letting it pass through your entire being.

"God, I can't wait for you to start showing," Cillian uttered breathlessly, his voice hoarse from passionate fervor.

His words stirred another wave of anticipation within you, heightening your awareness of the changes your body was undergoing.

"Really?" you mused, genuinely surprised at his remark. 

"Yes. I reckon you will look incredibly sexy being pregnant," Cillian stated with confidence, his fingers moving rhythmically against your stomach, sparking electrical charges along your exposed flesh. You couldn't help but laugh in agreement, the idea both titillating and flattering.

Cillian leaned in close to whisper seductively, his breath tickling your ears, causing shivers to run down your spine.

"I don't know why, but knowing that you carry my child turns me on," he confessed huskily, his arm tightening possessively around your shoulder, claiming ownership over your womb.

You laughed, amused by his raw honesty but understanding completely.

"Well, you did a good job knocking me up, against all odds," you retorted, giving him a cheeky smile before you reached below his hips to grasp his member, which was beginning to throb intensely. 

"I suppose you can't keep a good man down," Cillian chuckled before a moan escaped his lips, as your hand encircled his length, skillfully manipulating the shape and size of his cock, driving him mad. His groans grew louder, urging you onward, encouraging your ministrations.

"Let me ride you, while I still can," you demanded, biting your lip, a hint of mischief danced in your eyes.

"Please," Cillian simply begged in response as his gaze locked with yours, a mixture of surprise and admiration etched across his features before he rolled onto his back, presenting himself to you.

Your legs straddled him, sitting high above him, leaving no doubt about who was in control. Lowering yourself onto his waiting length, you let out a satisfied sigh, grateful for this brief respite.

Cillian grabbed your hips, holding them steady as you rode him slowly, enjoying the delicious friction of his hardened cock sliding in and out of your wet folds. With each thrust, a sound of satisfaction echoed between the two of you, amplifying the intimacy shared during this fleeting moment.

Cillian watched you closely, drinking in the sight of your passion-filled face and the way your body moved in sync with his own. It seemed almost surreal to him – the reality of making love to you while you were carrying his child.

As if drawn by some invisible force, Cillian wrapped his arms tightly around you, pulling you closer to him until your skin touched everywhere possible. This simple act drew gasps from both of you, acknowledging the intense connection formed in that single gesture.

"I think your breasts might feel differently soon… they'll grow heavier," Cillian observed, trailing his finger down your bare torso, stopping just short of your full bosom.

"Yes, at which point they will be reserved for our child to use, not you," you mocked playfully, rolling your eyes comically as you bounced up and down on his lap. His grin broadened as his gaze followed your movement, the thrilling spectacle consuming him whole.

"I think that, teaching our child how to share, is a valuable life lesson," Cillian teased, running his fingers through your hair as you continued to ride him.

"I suppose you've got a point there," you conceded playfully, lowering your head to kiss Cillian passionately. 

He returned the favor enthusiastically, devouring your mouth with the same intensity you craved. His tongue danced provocatively against yours, matching your rhythmic pace. Your mutual want for each other escalated rapidly, becoming insatiable, fueling your desire further. 

"I am close," you panted softly, arching your back slightly, desperately seeking release. 

Feeling the powerful tremors coursing through your body, you dug your fingers deeper into Cillian's shoulders, anchoring yourself amidst the unstoppable pull of your climax. 

A mere second later, your orgasm crashed down upon you like a tidal wave, bringing you to your knees, overwhelmed by ecstatic joy.

The world outside ceased to exist as you clung to Cillian, his name escaping your lips in a cry of triumph. His strong arms held you securely, shielding you from the storm raging within.

Slowly, your breath began to even out, the adrenaline subsiding gradually from your system as his speed picked up.

"Fill me with your cum, Cill. Fuck, I want it. Please," you purred, your voice heavy with desire, urging him onward. He obliged, pushing forward one last time, filling you with his essence as your orgasm finally crested. You could hear him calling your name in a low voice as you climbed higher towards the peak, feeling yourself losing control.

It was then, in those moments suspended in time, that you realized just how profoundly you loved him - despite everything that happened. The bond between you transcended mere physical connections, reaching deep into the heart and soul and, just maybe, starting a family with this man was not too bad after all. 

Tags:

@sunbeamseas @saint-ackerman @oatmealisweird @naxxsstuff @amanda08319 @r-m-cidnah @elysiannook @cillshot @infireddabdab @tastycakee @harrysbestiee @lilybabe22 @adalynlowell @henrywintersdearestgirl @ietss @thatgirlthatreadswattpad @ryiamarie @axionn

@heidimoreton @nela-cutie @futurecorps3 @delishen @nosebleeds-247 @thirteenis-myluckynumber @gills-lounge @hjmalmed @lost-fantasy @tiredkitten @sidechrisporn @smallsoulunknown @charqing-qing @hopefulinlove @aporiasposts @shycrybaby @me-and-your-husband @hjmalmed @lacontroller1991 @galxydefender @aporiasposts

@galxydefender @hunnibearrr @saint-ackerman @lunyyx @gentlemonsterjennie1 @ihavealotoffandomssorry @nadloves @lost-fantasy @nolucesn@mcavoy-girl @hjmalmed @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @blushykiss @tatumrileyslover @teawithsatanx @orijanko @rhaenyra4ever @xcinnamonmalfoyx @budugu @nadloves @kmc1989 @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @forgottenpeakywriter

[aziraphales-library]

ello ello ello!

i am looking for fics where, human or not, crowley and azi grow up being together being friends and turns to lovers ! thank you for your blessed job <3

Hi! We have #childhood friends and #friends to lovers tags, so check those out. Here are some to add to the collections...

Stronger Than Hurt by TawnyOwl95 (E)

Everything changed the summer that Crowley fell off the Eastgate's garage roof and broke his arm. Fourteen years later he stood outside a tattoo shop with a picture of the drawing Aziraphale Eastgate had done on his cast, and hoped for a second chance.

Christmas light by Tigerphoenix (T)

After years of neither hearing form his father nor sibling Crowley is convinced to return to his childhood home. He knew from the start it wasn’t a good idea, but he did it anyway. Maybe something good comes out of it. Aziraphale returns home to his family home every year for Christmas. But Christmas with nine people is exhausting. Nothing wrong with some time alone, right?

I scorn to change my state with kings by bearwonder (T)

They’d seem an unlikely pair, if anyone saw them from the outside — Crowley in black skinny jeans and Aziraphale in beige corduroys — but no one does, and that’s just how they want it. Crowley and Aziraphale meet in kindergarten. This is the story of their lives.

What About Hope? by AppleSeeds (M)

Crowley met Aziraphale in the spring of 1989 while he was on his lunchbreak from the factory, his attention immediately drawn to the posh boy sitting by the canal writing poetry. It was immediately obvious that they came from entirely different worlds, but the time they spent together was the happiest Crowley had ever known. With Aziraphale, Crowley experienced many firsts - his first kiss, his first love... his first heartbreak. Twenty years later, they are reunited when Crowley, now a successful writer and vlogger, comes to work as an Associate Lecturer in the university department where Aziraphale is an academic. Seeing Crowley brings back Aziraphale's intense regret for allowing himself to be persuaded to leave him behind all those years ago. Aziraphale desperately wishes to renew their acquaintance, but Crowley seems determined to keep his distance. Aziraphale can't blame him for not forgiving him, since he has never been able to forgive himself, but when Crowley begins to spend more time with him, Aziraphale is left with the hope that maybe they could at least be friends again - no matter how much it might hurt.

And a Silver Sixpence in His Shoe by smolalienbee (T)

If there is one thing to be said about Aziraphale Z. Fell is that he leads an ordinary, quiet life. He lives in Soho, London, above an old bookshop that he’s been fortunate enough to inherit in his late twenties. He likes sushi and good wine. He has a few friends - like Nina, who works at the coffee shop across the street; or Maggie, who runs the record store that he takes an absolute pleasure in frequently purchasing from. (He’s lonely. Terribly so. He’s been lonely for about ten years now, since - he does not want to think about that.) Today is his 35th birthday. At age 15, Aziraphale made a Promise. At age 25, he had an Earth-shattering fight with his childhood - and closest - friend. At age 35, that same friend shows up at his doorstep and suddenly, Aziraphale’s entire world is thrown upside down. A story of something unexpected, something old, something yellow, something stolen, something new and something promised. (It’s going to be a long week.)

Dancing in the Dark by Demonicputto (T)

In search of inspiration for his next album, rock musician Tony Jay is headed to London. It's not the atmosphere he's after, but a reunion with Ezra Fell, his dearest friend from childhood. A one sided, adolescent crush fueled Tony's first songs and, now that they're both older, he's hoping those feelings might finally be requited. But, Ezra may not be ready for that. In his eyes, their relationship is far more complicated. Unlike Tony, he remembers who they truly are: the demon Crowley and the angel Aziraphale.

- Mod D

[geralts-yenn]

Fairy tale

Modern AU Melot (Tristan&Isolde) x OFC x Mike (Hellraiser)

summary: Mike, Mel and Nina celebrate their first anniversary

warnings: 18+, minors dni! polyamorous relationship; bisexual partners; vaginal sex; maybe voyeurism/exhibitionism, but I don't know if this is really a thing that needs a warning within a polyamorous relationship; masturbation, vaginal fingering; use of a butt plug, anal sex (m/m)

word count: 4,2k

A/N: I feel like those three have been living in my head for decades already but exactly one year ago, I published Hearts Too Big

So, happy anniversary!

There's a tiny quote from a story in there that isn't my own, but I think the original author doesn't mind ;)

Inspo board

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

My heart won’t stop racing in my chest, no matter how calming the surroundings should be that are flying past me. I steer my bike around the corners of that gorgeous mountain road, but neither the stunning views we get to see nor the clean air that smells like forest can distract me from my rambling thoughts.

My gaze falls onto the mirror, focusing on the bike behind me. I can’t see much of them. Their helmets hide their beautiful faces. But still my heart constricts as I realize once again that those wonderful two people are mine. Something I will never get my head around.

Exactly one year ago, they had put me through hell and then showed me heaven. I will never forget that first kiss I shared with Mel at that beach, and how Nina kissed me only seconds after. It changed my life in the best way possible. I never even dared to hope that I would get to be that happy in my life.

So that’s why it is so important to me that everything this weekend is going to be perfect. I still can’t believe they trusted me to organize our anniversary trip completely alone. They really must love me. Or they are insane. But the latter is probably mandatory for the first to happen.

As soon as I killed the engine and put the bike on its stand, I cross the few feet between me and Mel’s bike and when Mel pulls his helmet from his head, I press my mouth on his. I don’t care if he needs air because I need him so much more. My fingers lace through his curls, and I all but devour him. Mel answers my desperation with a strangled moan into my mouth. God, I love this man. 

Finally, I pull away, searching for Nina to get a taste of her, too, but she is already gone. Mel and I both chuckle when we hear her excited screams. 

“Oh my god, babe! There’s a hot tub. And a fire pit. And the view over the lake is so beautiful!”

Mel gets off his bike and walks up to Nina, pulling her to his chest. I follow him and hug both of them from behind, pressing my lips on their necks one after the other.

“You’ve outdone yourself, Mike! How did you find this?” Nina turns her head, her eyes full of love as they find mine.

I only grin and shrug. I don’t want to tell them right away. We have the whole weekend to talk. And do other things.

And that’s why I rather grab Nina’s jaw and kiss her hard, like I wanted to do in the first place.

After I have my fair share of kisses that I needed after hours of being alone on my bike, I finally go and grab our stuff and unlock the door of the cabin. 

“Try not to get naked for another thirty minutes, peanuts! I’m still waiting for some groceries to be delivered.”

Mel presses a kiss on my cheek and pulls one of the bags from my shoulder. 

“As if you’d care if anyone saw us naked,” he teases. And yeah, he is right. I don’t care at all.  I know they are mine.

I lean against the wooden walls of the cabin, the guitar I found in the living room in my lap. It’s a beautiful instrument, and it is tuned perfectly. The whole cabin is like it was made for us. It is so cozy, but not in a tacky way. I have to admit, I am impressed with Mikey. He’s done a good job planning our weekend.

My fingers brush over the strings as I play some chords without even thinking about it. My whole focus is on my two lovers, who are giggling and kissing in the hot tub, a few feet from me. They asked me to join them, but right now, I am happy sitting here in the sun with the guitar and just watching them. 

Maybe that’s a little creepy, but sometimes I like being an observer. I can’t get enough of seeing them so happy together. It makes my heart sing. 

Mike pulls Nina on his lap, and now they are making out like there’s no tomorrow. I can see they are about to lose control any moment. Nina is moaning and Mike's hands are everywhere.

Like I predicted, Mike gets impatient and manhandles Nina to get on her knees. Leaning on her elbows on the deck, I have a perfect view of her tits. But what’s even better is the way her face changes when Mike presses into her. It’s a perfect mixture of desire and love, and I am totally aware that her eyes are fixed on me.

There’s no way I can focus on the guitar any longer while I watch Mikey thrusting into Nina with increasing intensity. He leans down over her, his hand on her throat. I wish I could hear the words he whispers into her ear through gritted teeth. 

I put the guitar down and, instead, my hand slips beneath the waistband of my shorts. I free my cock and start to stroke myself. Adjusting my rhythm with Mike’s, I’m going slow at first, but then I increase my pace when he starts to pound into our girlfriend faster and harder.

They are both loud, and their moans and grunts only fuel my own lust. I can barely hold back my release, but I don’t want to come just yet. So I ease my grip a little and try to focus on Nina, her half-lidded eyes, her teeth digging into her plump lip. She’s so beautiful like this. Mike raises his head and flashes a big smile at me. The asshole winks and doesn’t turn his eyes away from me as he talks to Nina, this time loud enough for me to hear.

“Show him how you look when you come around my cock, baby!” 

Mike slams into Nina’s pussy like a madman, his grip on her hips so tight, I know she’s going to show some marks later. Nina’s screaming, rolling her eyes, her whole body shaking. This is it. My own orgasm rushes through me so hard, my vision blurs as I shoot all over my hand and chest. 

When my breathing is back to normal, and I open my eyes again, I see the two of them are back to kissing. I get up, letting my shorts and boxers fall to the floor. Looking down at my sweaty, sticky chest, I decide I need to cool down. So I walk down the stairs to the small wooden dock. After checking the waters, I jump into the lake. It’s cold, but not freezing. Nina is going to hate it, but that doesn’t stop me from calling her and Mike to join me.

I take the plate that Mel holds out to me and dry it, then put it back into the cabinet. Mel grabs my towel to dry his hands, so I guess we’re done with the dishes. Mel and I gladly offered to do them after Mikey had spoiled us with the most delicious dinner we had in a while. 

I round the kitchen island and sit down on the floor, where Mike just finished preparing our board game on the small coffee table. I take my cards, but the moment I want to check them, Mel drops next to me and leans in for a kiss. 

“Hey, no cheating!” I tell him as I push him away, and he has the audacity to look fucking cute as he pouts at me. I move a few feet away from him, hiding my cards, because I don’t intend to let him win tonight. Mel’s a sore looser and I enjoy kicking his ass very much. Mike grins at me as if he could read my thoughts. Which he probably can, he knows us both so well. 

To prove my point, he asks: “Ready to make Mel cry, Nina?” 

His signature smirk is plastered on his handsome face. I hold my hand up for a high five as an answer. 

Mel shakes his head playfully. Then he gets up again and pulls his shirt over his head, suspiciously slowly. Mike and I both groan in unison. 

“You are playing unfair here, Mel, and we haven’t even started yet.” Mike complains. But Mel tuts at him and points to the flames flickering in the fireplace.

“I wouldn’t have to strip down if someone…” he uses the strategic pause to turn his gaze to me, “...wouldn’t be that cold all the time. But as long as we have to put up a fire in the middle of July, you two have to endure the pain of seeing my naked chest. I’m deeply sorry.”

Two hours and three wins over a very grumpy Mel later, we move to the bedroom. The bed in here is nowhere as big as the custom-made bed in our apartment, but I don’t mind. I’m sleepy and don’t care if I have to sprawl over my two boyfriends in here. They’ll live. 

Mike is already snuggled up inside the covers. He looks cute as a button as he tries to hide the yawn that slips him when I crawl into his arms. 

I’m already half asleep when Mel joins us, but his efforts to fit into the bed wake me up again. He apologizes, even though it’s not his fault. Mike lets out some adorable sleepy noises and then tells his boyfriend that he should read fairy tales to us to make up for the disturbance. I’m pretty sure he’s just joking, but nevertheless, Mel picks up my book from the nightstand and opens it. 

He scans over the lines and lets out a small chuckle. I remember where I stopped reading earlier and have to admit it puts a little heat on my cheeks. Mel clears his throat and starts to read in a voice, even deeper and more gravelly than usual:

“He drags your panties to the side and two fingers slip into your pussy with embarrassing ease. “God, kitten, you’re so wet already,” he groans. “You’re such a perfect little slut for Daddy.” All you can do is moan while he pulls his fingers out and moves them to your clit. The tight circles he draws around the swollen little pearl make you writhe your hips, leaning into his touch as he keeps rhythm and pressure steady at an intensity that’s just shy of enough to make you come.” *

Mike is groaning next to me and whispers into my ear: “That’s the fairy tales you read all day, baby? With a straight face? You’re killing me!”  

And while Mel continues to read, I feel Mike’s cock growing harder against my ass. All of this has just as much effect on me, so I arch my back to press into him. Gladly, Mike takes the invitation. He turns me to lay on my back and presses my knees apart. The same way as Mel had read moments ago, he drags my panties to the side and brushes his fingers along my slit. 

Soon, I'm a withering mess, Mikey’s finger pumping into me, his mouth hungry on mine. But then Mel’s voice stops abruptly, and the next moment Mikey is gone, and instead I have Mel’s tongue exploring my mouth. He bites into my lip, then pulls back so he can look both at Mikey and me.

“I thought you two were tired? I'm trying to make you fall asleep, but that doesn't look like you are about to doze off anytime soon!” Despite the scolding words, Mel's tone is amused. 

Mike chuckles. “Babe, if you wanted us to fall asleep, you should have chosen a different book.”

Mel turns to Mike with a devious grin on his face. 

“Well, so if you’re both awake again, you two could pay some attention to me now. I already let you have some time for yourself in the hot tub.”

The memory of what we did out on the deck earlier makes my pussy clench. Mike feels it around his fingers and moans in response. But his eyes are locked with Mel’s.

“I wouldn’t have minded if you had joined us,” he tells him, and Mel’s grin gets wider.

“Yeah? You need some dick?” he asks, his voice raspy.

I rather feel than hear Mikey’s breath hitch before he answers:

“I do!”

Mel gets up on his knees and pulls down his boxers. His erection slaps against his abs.

“Then help yourself!” he says, his smirk now going from ear to ear.

Mikey lets out a needy whine. He licks his lips as he moves his mouth to Mel’s middle. A gentle lick from the base to the tip lets Mel shiver.

“I think someone is done with the solo action for today,” I tease. My fingers circle my swollen bud as I watch them.

Mel’s look falls on me and he groans. I don't know if it's a reaction to what he sees or to Mike’s hollowed cheeks around his cock. I don't care. It's hot.

Mel lets us play for another few moments, but then he pulls Mikey up to him for a hot kiss. They whisper into each other's ears, and then they both turn to me. Oh, I think I’m up for a good time.

Mel crawls up to my side and pulls my top over my head. The moment the girls are free, his mouth is on one nipple, sucking hard. His fingers take care of the other one and I gasp when he pinches and rolls it.

To add to the sensations, at the same time, Mike drags my panties down my legs. In seconds, he's between my widespread legs and runs his length through my folds.

I whimper and moan. They are teasing me, Mel with his mouth and hands, Mike with his dick. He drags the tip slowly around my entrance, up to my clit and back again.

I lift my hips impatiently, but Mike doesn't give in. It takes Mel to interfere. He turns his head to watch for a moment, before ordering:

“Get into her already so I can give you what you wanted in the first place, Mike.”

That does the trick. Mike slams into me and I let out a cry of pleasure. While Mike starts to move inside me, Mel gets up to stand behind him.

“Wow, Mikey, you really planned every aspect of this trip,” he says, chuckling. I can imagine what he's talking about, and when a butt plug lands on the bed, I get my confirmation.

“Are you ready to take me?” I hear Mel and the answer is groaning from both of my boys.

Mike stills his hips and I hear the telltale sound of lube getting squished out of the bottle.

Then it's the increased tension in Mike’s body and the twitching dick inside me that let me know what's going on. All three of us moan in unison as Mel pushes inside.

Some rustling wakes me, and I blink a few times sleepily to adjust to the brightness. It must be early morning because the room is filled with golden light. When my sight gets more focused, I start to smile. I am greeted by the view of a very sexy tattooed chest, rippling muscles accentuated by beams of orange falling through the curtains. What a pleasant way to wake up. Almost as nice as the way I fell asleep last night.

For a moment, I think about greeting Mikey, but then I decide against it, watching silently as he pulls his shirt over his head. Yeah, creepy, I know. But I can’t help it. I don't want to ruin this peaceful scene. 

Mike apparently hasn’t noticed I’m awake because he turns and tries to step down the stairs as noiselessly as possible. Which isn’t very noiseless - because it’s Mikey. 

Yet, when I turn to the other side, I see that Nina is still fast asleep. I kiss her on her temple and then try to get up without making noise, myself, with more success than Mike. I wander into the bathroom, take a quick shower and brush my teeth.

When I go downstairs, I find Mikey leaning against the open patio door. I step behind him and wrap my arm around his waist, resting my hand on his chest. He feels warm and firm and my heart expands at the sensation of it. Mike nuzzles into me as my lips brush over the light stubble of his throat, while I breathe in his scent.

“Hey!” he greets, his voice still rough from sleep.

“Hey yourself!” I press another kiss on his neck. Then I raise my eyes to look over Mike's shoulder. The sun is rising over the lake, painting the surroundings in warm colors.

“It’s so beautiful. Perfect. I don’t know what you had to do to get this cabin, but thank you.”

Mike turns his head to me, one eyebrow raised.

“Do you imply I prostituted myself for this?” 

I can’t tell if he’s amused or offended, probably a little bit of both, but anyway, I need to apologize because this wasn’t in any way what I meant to say.

“No! Never! Sorry! It’s just - this must have been expensive. You didn’t have to do this. You don’t have to spend your savings on us.”

Before Mike can answer me, we hear footsteps and then Nina is next to us. She wriggles in between us and brushes kisses over Mike’s and my chest.

“Hey, is there a possibility to get some coffee?”

Mike takes the invitation to run off without answering me and pours three cups of coffee. Running around the kitchen, adding sugar and cream for Nina and a disgusting amount of sugar for himself, he seems to be fidgety, noticeably so, even for Mikey. 

I fear I actually hurt him with the stupid remark and open my mouth to apologize once more, but Mikey grabs the mug handles and steps out onto the deck with our coffee.

“Come on, peanuts, let’s get down to the shore.” 

Nina and I exchange a look, but then we follow him down the stairs to the lake. There’s a wooden patio set and Mike drops the mugs on the table, only spilling a little bit of coffee. Nina and I sit down, waiting for Mike to join us, but he’s not interested. Instead, he walks up and down along the dock.

“Mike!” Nina calls. “For the love of god, would you sit?”

I don’t even know why I’m freaking out again. There’s nothing that should get me that nervous. Those two people who are watching me right now like I’m nuts, they love me. I don’t know why, but they do. I don’t have to worry about anything. If I learned anything in the last year, then it’s that I can open up to Mel and Nina. So I finally do what Nina ordered me to do and sit down next to them.

“Sorry!” I grab my coffee and drag out the moment a little longer by taking a huge sip. Of the coffee that is still fucking hot. They both watch me incredulously as I swear.

“I need to tell you something!” 

Nina’s eyes go wide and Mel jerks back. Yeah, great start, dickhead! Now they think I cheated on them or some stupid shit.

“Don’t panic, it’s nothing bad - I think.” They both visibly relax, though they still look confused, so I go on.

“A few weeks ago, Tom called me.”

“Your brother?” 

“Yeah. I didn’t take the call at first. But he didn’t stop calling and texting. So I thought it must be something important.” 

Mel interrupts once more, more concern on his face than should be, ever. “Everything okay with your parents?”

I let out a sad laugh. “Like I would care?” 

It’s harsh, but it’s the truth. And honestly, I’m glad I’m at a place now where I don’t care anymore. 

I must have been quiet for too long because Nina flaps with her hands in the air, a quizzical look on her face.

“Sooo?” 

“Yeah, uhm, he wanted to meet me. And I said okay.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nina again, of course. She’s always mad that Mel and I don’t communicate enough, and she’s right about it.

“You were both working hard that day, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just thought I’d go meet him, listen to his bullshit, then go home to throw myself into your arms in the evening.”

”But?...” 

I shouldn’t make pauses long enough for them to interrupt me.

“There was no bullshit coming from him,” I laugh. “He apologized, honestly. I mean, he was crying! For fucks sake! My super manly, super stoic, very hetero brother sat in a café with his very bi brother, showing emotions openly for everyone to see. It was wild!” I grin like an idiot, I know, but that experience was something I didn’t see coming, ever. In my family, we don't do feelings. Except for me, of course, I do plenty of feelings, all the time. But I don't count, my parents would agree. 

Nina and Mike both don’t smile back, Nina even frowns. 

“Still - why haven’t you told us, Mikey?” She sounds hurt. And Mel nods in agreement. Shit, I'm fucking this up again.

“Because, my brother brought me a gift. Well, not exactly a gift, but anyway. I decided to make it a surprise for you.”

I take another sip of coffee. Gladly, it isn’t hot like the seven hells anymore. 

“Come on, Mike, get to the point!” Mel rolls his eyes at me.

“Sorry! So, my brother got into a fight with my parents because of me. He told them that they should support me, that I deserve to be part of the family. Shocking, I know, but apparently he must have found out he has a heart.

But of course, my parents wouldn’t listen. Then Tom said to them that they at least owe me my part of the family assets. They bought Tom a house when he got married and he also got some shares, I don’t know much about that stuff…  

Anyway, Tom told them they should at least give me money to make my life easier. Which was just as successful as his first plea. My father only kicked him out and told him he wouldn’t want to hear about it anymore. But Tom felt bad for me, so he wrote them a letter threatening to take them to court on my behalf.”

Both Nina and Mel look shocked.

“You wouldn’t do this, and he can’t do it without your agreement, right?”

I nod. They know me way better than anyone in my family. I would never want that.

“Yeah, but just the threat was enough. My parents would never want to get anything about this shit go public, which would be the case if there was a lawsuit. That’s why they wrote a big check with my name on it, and they signed over one of their properties to me.”

I give them a big grin, but they still both look quite puzzled.

“My first instinct was to reject it. So I wouldn’t have to be thankful or some shit. But then I thought fuck it! Why should I punish myself by not taking what is mine? It’s not like they would care either way. And I kind of like this cabin…”

I look into their faces, and I’m glad I don’t find any negative emotions there. I was a little scared that they would judge me for taking the money. Exhibit A: my reaction to Mel’s comment earlier.

“Well, yeah, so, that cabin is mine! That's what I wanted to say. Surprise!” I shrug awkwardly. 

When no one says a word, I go back to rambling.

“I spent the last few weeks remodeling it so it doesn’t look that much like ‘filthy rich assholes with a stick up their asses’ anymore and more like ‘us’.”

This finally gives me some laughs and I feel more comfortable immediately. 

“Oh Mikey!” Nina jumps into my lap and presses a kiss onto the corner of my mouth.

“This means we can spend a lot more time fooling around here! Oh my god! This is going to be some fun.” 

I laugh, that’s the perfect reaction.

“We can start right away, if you want,” I tell her.

Mel chuckles and gets up from his chair. He leans down to me and kisses me hungrily.  Then he pulls away and cocks his head.

“One thing: can we please have a bigger bed? Nina kicked me in my ribs all night.“

I snicker.

“Yeah, I earned some nasty elbow checks, too. I thought maybe we could build a new bed like the one in our apartment together.“

“Then there's no more objections from my side,” Mel tells me before his lips are back on mine.

*) source: Under orders - part 4 by @raccoon-eyed-rebel

[mimisempai]

Nothing to hide

Summary

Nina, Maggie and Aziraphale await Crowley's arrival at the Pub. 

When the demon shows up, he and the angel have no idea that a simple shared gesture will have amusing consequences for Nina and Maggie.

Notes

50 Types of Kisses - Writing Prompts

Kiss #10: A hello/good-bye kiss that is given without thinking - where neither person thinks twice about it

On Ao3

Rating G -  551 words

"You know, no matter how many times you look at your watch, it doesn't make time go faster."

Aziraphale put his pocket watch back in his jacket and replied to Nina in a tone he intended to be casual, "I don't know what you mean."

The coffee-shop owner chuckled and replied, "Just that you've just looked at your watch for the tenth time in less than a minute. It's not going to make him come any faster."

Maggie whispered, "Nina, leave him alone."

Nina nudged her shoulder as she replied, "You're no fun..."

The Backroom owner said softly, "I know what it's like to wait impatiently for your loved one to come to you."

Nina's face softened as she took Maggie's hand in hers and replied, "Okay, I'll stop."

Then, looking at a spot behind Aziraphale, she added, "Oh, Aziraphale, I think you can stop looking at your watch."

The angel turned his head immediately, then waved at Crowley to show him where they were.

He was pleased to see the demon smile as soon as their eyes met, and watched as he approached, making his way through the crowded pub.

Arriving in front of him, Crowley greeted everyone before leaning over and softly pressing his lips to the angel's before sitting down in the empty chair beside him. Then he immediately took Aziraphale's hand in his and placed their intertwined hands on his lap.

The demon and angel smiled at each other, then Aziraphale asked, "How was your aft-"

"Damn."

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at Nina, who looked at them with an annoyed expression.

Maggie said with a smile, "Be a good sport, honey, you bet and you lost."

Seeing the confused looks on the faces of the angel and the demon, Maggie explained, "Nina was sure you wouldn't kiss to greet each other and I wasn't. We made a bet, and thanks to you, I won."

Aziraphale laughed softly and Crowley asked with interest, "And what did you win?"

Maggie smiled broadly as she replied, "The loser rubs the winner's feet and buys the next round."

Crowley chuckled and said cheekily, "Oh, then I'll order one of the more expensive Taliskers."

Nina threatened him with her finger, "You!"

When the mood calmed down a bit, Aziraphale asked, "Why did you think we wouldn't kiss?"

Nina shrugged and replied, "You don't seem like the type to have visible displays of affection in public."

Aziraphale nodded before replying, "You're not just any public, you're our friends, we have nothing to hide from you." 

He raised their entwined hands to his lips and planted a kiss there to illustrate his point.

Crowley muttered under his breath, "Angel..."

Nina sneered and pointed at the demon, "Ooooh, you're blushing, you're embarrassed, aren't you? Admit it!"

"Me? I'll show you who's embarrassed."

He turned to Aziraphale and, after wrapping his arm around his neck, pressed his lips to the angel's in a kiss that lasted much longer than the hello kiss they'd shared and left no doubt, even to a stranger, about the nature of their relationship.

As they broke apart, they heard Nina say to Maggie, "Okay, okay, I'll buy the next two rounds."

The angel and demon looked at each other and began to laugh out loud, soon joined by Nina and Maggie.

Still not beta'd

Still not my native language

Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰

Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝

Ineffable kisses series : here

Ineffable Husbands masterlist : here

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Exactly as you are

Previous chapter

a/n I would probably have to say welcome to the last part. This had been such a fun journey and I'm so thankful for all of your love. Thank you for reading!🤍✨

summary: when two broken souls meet something is bound to happen.

warnings: mention of past trauma, death, burns.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Sometimes you have to take yourself out of the equation. Watch it all from the sidelines. To change the perspective. To give yourself a chance to see it all from a different angle. But what was the price of it? Of allowing yourself a chance to stand backstage and pretend that whatever, that was happening up on the stage, didn't directly impact your life. Didn't put the actors in danger. Pretend that whatever, that was happening wasn't indeed orchestrated by you.

Kaz clung to your body as he rushed through the dregs. For the first time, he felt thankful for the cold night breeze. For the nipping cold that always seemed to linger, no matter the season. He felt you this close to him on a couple of occasions. Had known the warmth of your body. But this wasn't that. This warmth carried pain. This warmth made Kaz wonder if he preferred to feel your slightly cooler fingers or toes searching for his body in the night for warmth. He wanted you back. He wanted this to be over. Wanted to be cooped up with you in his office. He wanted to take those couple of weeks back. He wanted to change so many things. So many choices. So many decisions. But that wasn't possible. The world doesn't operate like that. It doesn't run according to your wishes. Doesn't change according to your personal preference.

Nina had pulled the tap open; the sound of water drowned out the heavy breathing of the crows, yet it did nothing to push your painful breathing further away from Kaz. He didn't dare lower his eyes to you. No, he had done it a couple of times while rushing back to the slat, and the way your chest was contracting in painful impulses… It not only brought back the memories of Jordie but also made it clear to him that Kaz was close to losing you. The way your blood stained the light material of your dress became your nose just kept on bleeding. The way your palms didn't touch him, just spasmed with your fingers outstretched. The way your teeth cackled as if you were freezing when it was far from that.

"Kaz", a faint voice filled his ears. A light sound. But not your voice. Not the soft melody of it. Pulling Kaz out of his thoughts. "Kaz lowers her into the tub", Nina said, her hand resting on her boss's back. Trying to urge him to move. Trying to make Kaz let go. She knew it would be hard. She saw the way Kaz held you back at the Dime Lions Club. Even if the place was flaming, Kaz wasn't going to let go of you. You were both getting out, or neither of you were. It's like if one died, the other would follow. Kaz gawked at them when they tried to approach you. Shielding your body from the other crows.

Inej had told the rest of them about Jordie while they lingered around the club and waited for the rest of the orders from Kaz. She had told them about the things that Pekka had done. Promises he had made. What he had taken from Kaz. And how little was their boss willing to sacrifice now because of Pekka. How all the plotting and skimming wasn't just a petty desire to get richer and gather more power. There was a deep meaning there. A shameless vendetta that needed to be carried out. As a promise to Jordie. As a promise to Polina. As a promise to you.

The moment your body made contact with the water, you let out a painful breath. "No", you muttered, trying to claw your way out of the tub, trying to keep your body up above. "I'm here; I've got you", Kaz leaned in closer to you, his hand now elbows deep into the icy water, trying to keep you there. It was strange that Kaz didn't feel it. The contact with the water and the contact with you didn't make him instantly pull away. Quite the opposite, his body was reaching for you. "We need to lower your body temperature", Nina whispered, placing a damp cloth on your forehead that dried almost immediately after direct contact with your skin. Yet you shook your head, even if your body was drained and you had no real chance of escaping their grip.

"She hasn't summoned in a while; her body has forgotten about her abilities", Nina spoke calmly, trying to soothe the pain that lingered. The pain that stabbed her. Made her want to pull away herself. "Anything to help?", Kaz asked, his eyes meeting the heartrender's. If only there was enough time for her to savor the genuine emotion in Kaz's eyes. The mixed-up fear and love. The desire and need. The pleading for help. Yet as much as she wished that she could help, Nina shook her head and said, "I don't know. She might just need to burn through it". It sounded so blunt. So not good enough. But truly, besides trying to slow your heartbeat, keeping you hydrated and cold was all she could offer, and she hoped that would be enough.

Cries filled the room once again, and this time instead of pulling away, Kaz reached for your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours before he dunked your burning hand underwater. "You can't", you muttered, trying to slip your hand away from his, but Kaz didn't budge. He knew what you were referring to. To the fact that he was so close. The fact that he had been holding you for so long. Too long. The longest he had ever held you. Kaz knew how much you didn't want him to drown in past pain. How important it was for you to keep him away from anything that would awaken his touch aversion.

But no. Kaz had run away from this for far too long. And even if his body was running on adrenaline now, and even if he would be bent over the bucket later on, emptying his guts as all the sensations would finally hit him, he wasn't going to make the same mistake. No longer keeping watch on the sidelines. Kaz wanted to be there for you. "You focus on regaining control. Leave the rest for me", just like before, Kaz carefully pushed the strand of your hair away from your damp face. Catching a glimpse of your tired eyes that still blazed with fire. "Talk to me…", you muttered before letting your head fall back into the freezing water. Kaz quickly placed his palm on the back of your head. Making sure you wouldn't inhale the water before he started to speak.

Nina was there for most of it. She tried to stay unnoticed, and in all honesty, she was almost sure that Kaz had forgotten that she was even there. Especially considering the stories that Kaz had chosen to tell. The moment you two shared surfacing. Memories Nina knew dirtyhands wouldn't want her, or anyone else for that matter, to know of. So she ordered Jesper and Wylan to go and get more ice. As she too slipped downstairs to mix up some herbal paste for the burns on your skin before brewing some tea. She knew that the person who had the most power to bring you back to a stable place was Kaz, so it was only for the best that you two had a minute alone.

When Nina returned with a tray full of different kinds of mixtures and liquids, she couldn't believe how quiet the room was. Kaz's head rested on his free hand as he leaned against the side of the tub. Eyes glued to you. Your body was under the water, but his palm still supported your head. Nina took a moment to listen to your heartbeat. It was still somewhat uneasy, but there was a thread of calm there. Love and safety slowly pieced your body back together. Slowly took control over the chaos that had just blazed inside you not long ago. Your eyes were closed, yet Kaz still gazed at you. Nina wondered if the burns that lingered there alongside your other scars bothered him. She didn't question the fact that Kaz would blame himself for them. That was a fact, and she knew that no one could convince him otherwise.

"Hey", Nina said quietly, placing the tray on the floor near the tub. Reaching for a bag of ice before dumping it into the tub, "Go wash up". She continued dipping her hand into the water, to check the temperature. Letting her fingers touch your upper arm to monitor your body temperature as well. "I'm fine", Kaz murmured, not giving the other Grisha any more attention than necessary. Yet Kaz wondered if any of the crows had suspicions about you being different. Of the powers, you might have. Most importantly, he wondered if Nina knew, and if she did, had you talked about it with her? Was Nina going to help you learn? She had to know how to master the power that blazed inside her. "I'll look after her for now. Go, take a breather", just like earlier Nina's palm grazed Kaz's shoulder gently. He realized how he had never paid any attention to her touch or how different it was from yours. How it sent more of a warning through his body, making him want to pull away. Kaz turned his head to his shoulder, and Nina instantly pulled her hand back.

"I promise I will not let her out of my sight", she swore, giving Kaz a tight smile, yet it didn't comfort him. He knew that he would be feeling uneasy the whole time he was away from you, but he was still covered in his blood and all the other filth. "Just for a bit…", Kaz said, not turning to Nina as he leaned into the bathtub, pressing a light kiss to your forehead before motioning for Nina to replace his hand with her own.

Thoughts followed Kaz anywhere and everywhere he went. He didn't walk up the stairs to his room. Couldn't. He knew that being there would bring back too many memories. Too many promises. Promises that weren't all kept. That he failed to carry out because he was blinded by his feelings. And now Kaz was left to wonder if he was indeed a good man. Well, he wasn't on the paper but from within. Was there something inside him? Some well-hidden part of him that thrived on being a well-honest man? But he failed to grasp anything. Especially not with you still burning up upstairs.

A light knocks on the doorframe, and Kaz instantly knew who had joined him in the kitchen. "She'll be fine, you know? She doesn't go down without a fight", the words were lighthearted. Encouraging. Placed there like a clutch to hold onto, but Kaz couldn't. At this particular moment, he simply couldn't accept the words that were directed to him to comfort and ensure. At times, Kaz was jealous of Jesper's ability to feel so deeply and articulate his emotions so well. There were moments Kaz wished he would be able to swallow his pride and ask for help and guidance. Because he trusted Jesper. He trusted Jesper almost as much as he trusted himself.

The silence lingered. Kaz didn't turn to face his crow when the words slipped past his lips, "I found a weapon", he muttered, head dipped lower as Kaz shook it slightly. "What?", Jesper was quick to question, not quite understanding to what point the conversation had shifted just yet, "I found a weapon, and I used it", "What are you on about?" Kaz clenched his jaw. A part of him didn't want to do this. He didn't want to say anything, but it was weighing on him so much. "I knew… I… We talked so much, she…", dirtyhands stuttered before frustratingly covering his face with his hands. A moment of clarity. A moment of composure. Jesper knew he couldn't push Kaz here. Whatever had happened must have left a deep cut if he was talking about it in the first place.

"She told me about Paola's death. Y/N told me about the man who had bought them", Kaz continued to speak. Jesper glanced behind him, making sure no one else was there to listen in, before stepping further into the room. Leaning against one of the countertops, not far away from where Kaz stood. "She never mentioned Pekka, but I knew. I think I always knew", the words were full of frustration. Jesper was not the only one who understood that whatever was planned here today had gone wrong at some point. Something got triggered at the wrong time, which set the whole thing in motion almost backward.

"Kaz, this was not your fault. Pekka hurt many…", Jesper attempted to comfort his boss. Because truly, no one blamed him here. They had missions that ended way worse, and the damage was triple this big, but he also understood this was different. Different because it was you who got hurt. You who had been harmed. And for that, Jesper couldn't blame Kaz for letting the frustration and disappointment take over because he knew that if it had been Wylan… Yeah, Jesper wouldn't care about anything else.

Yet Kaz shook his head. A bitter laugh that carried so much self-disgust filled the room, "I saw the anger in her. I knew that she had it in her. That if she got to see him again, she would kill him". Those words set a shiver down Jesper's spine. He was not expecting those words, and just like the moment you ran off, something inside his gut twisted. Something that usually meant that nothing good was coming. "What are you trying to say, Kaz", now, just like all those times before, Jesper's tone had shifted. It had bits of warning, frustration, and disappointment in it. And if before Kaz ignored it. Ignored how the tone would leave a sour taste. Now it was hard to miss.

Kaz turned his head, biting the inside of his cheeks. Pulling a clenched fist closer to his mouth, as he tried to calculate his next words, but Jesper was having none of it, "Did you… Was this all you doing?" Kaz shook his head almost defensively and said, "It wasn't… I didn't think it would go like this". Like this… Now it was Jesper's turn to chuckle bitterly, "So I was right when I said that you were using her?" Kaz harshly slammed his palms over the kitchen table before turning a warning finger towards Jesper. "I didn't use her. I just used her knowledge of ending this!", Kaz stated firmly, and Jesper was about to cut in, but Kaz cut him off. "The plan was never to hurt her. I just wanted to set us both free".

There was supposed to be a silver lining in those words. Something that would weigh out the bad and justify the actions taken and the choices that were made. But it didn't. At least in Jesper's eyes, "By giving her to Pekka? Have you lost all marbles in your brain?", he raised his voice slightly. "No, I…", Kaz started yet again, but this time Jesper cut him off. "No, Kaz, that is exactly what you did", Jesper gawked at his boss. He tried to justify his actions. For some time, Jesper was hopeful that whatever was going on between you and Kaz was enough to make him see strength. Abandon his wishes and desires. To change. To finally see the world in a completely different way, but he was wrong, and that disappointed Jesper way more than he imagined it would.

"You won't get it", Kaz muttered, turning away from his crow. "Yeah, of course, because I'm not as good as you, right?", Kaz wanted to say no. To tell Jesper that no, he was indeed nothing like him. He was a way better man. Kaz wanted to be a man like him but admitted that was not something he could do. Not verbally, at least. Not yet. So Kaz let Jesper burn holes into his back with his glare. Let him silently hate him. Wondering if this would be enough to drive them all away.

Kaz felt tired. His body was finally catching up with everything that had happened. Yet even with the taste of bile in his mouth, oddly enough, Kaz was missing the feeling of having you in his arms. Addictive. Your touch was addictive, and Kas was now held captive. Fighting his head and heart at the same time. Both telling him different things. With a fresh bucket of ice, Kaz slowly climbed up the stairs. Knees aching. Painfully clicking with every step.

Nina was brushing your hair. You were sitting on a little stool; she must have carried it there. Kaz rushed forward, worry instantly rising that you weren't floating in the cold water. "She was starting to turn blue", Nina said calmly, clasping your shoulders. "My fingers were getting frosty", you added, wiggling your fingers before pushing them underneath the big towel. "Her heartbeat is back to normal too, and she feels cooler to the touch", the heartrender added, knowing that even though words didn't mean much to Kaz, it was still better to let him hear them.

Kaz only nodded. He didn't move closer. However, his eyes. Those deep blue eyes were on you. On your slightly trembling body. You were all he saw. All he wanted to see and all that mattered. You returned his gaze. A soft gaze, a loving feeling that flowed through you once your eyes met. "I'll grab you some clothes", Nina quickly cleared her throat, biting her lip so she wouldn't start smiling, "Keep the tub full, just in case". You nodded at her words, yet your head didn't tilt in her direction even the slightest.

Oddly enough, it felt like you had seen Kaz forever ago. Like if all that happened tonight had happened years back. As if you two had changed so much in the last couple of hours. No longer just Kaz and Y/N. No, there was something else. You two were something else. Something shifted. You were about to open your mouth when Kaz crossed the distance between you two. Falling to his knees right before you, palms pressing against your still-damp knees. "I want you", he muttered, his eyes suddenly closed as he took in gulps of air, "I don't want to hurt you; I don't want to use you". You quickly moved your hands to his face, cupping his cheeks softly. "I know…", you muttered, but Kaz shook his head, pushing your hands away from his face.

"No, you don't", his voice was suddenly much deeper, much more primal, "I… I failed you". And it makes your heart hurt the way his voice cracks. The way all the emotions suddenly surfaced. "We played this", you mumble, leaning closer to him and pulling your hands out of Kaz's grip so you could touch him again. "Yes, but I was supposed to keep you safe", Kaz spat dryly, "And I wasn't supposed to set the place on fire." You barked back just as coldly. The image of Pekka filled your mind, making you shiver slightly. And this was planned. You had straightforwardly told Kaz that you wanted the man who killed Paola dead. That you were willing to do anything. Yours and Kaz's understanding of everything were slightly different, however. Not to mention that both of you were tiptoeing around some of your secrets. It's funny, truly, considering the plan you two were building, but neither of you was perfect at this thing called love. You were not considering it. You loved little, broken pieces of each other. Without a full picture. Without the whole truth. While that was sweet on paper, it was deadly on the battlefield, and tonight had shown it perfectly.

"I trust you unconditionally. We made a decision and paid for parts of it, but we're here", you muttered, shifting down from the chair. Your fingers tracked the shell of Kaz's palm, "But… I understand that you might not want me now that…", "Don't you finish that", Kaz cut in quickly, frowning as if you had just wronged him worse than anyone else had before. "You are enough", you lower your eyes at his words. You wanted to. You did. To just tell him that you were an inferno. But you failed the first time. The first time you tried to properly use your abilities. You burned the whole house with Paola's body in it. You had tried to put it out to save her so there would be at least something left to bury, but the more you tried, the bigger the flames rose.

"Don't", Kaz was quick to cut through your thoughts, knowing well where your brain was taking you. "We see each other, remember?", leaning in, Kaz pressed his forehead against yours. Breathing in your scent. You let your fingers touch his chest. "Exactly as you are", you muttered. "And exactly as you are", Kaz added in return. Tilting his head up so he could press a kiss to the crown of your head. He withdrew quickly. Way too quickly, but you couldn't blame him. Today had already been too much for him. But the world could burn. Could fall apart and turn to ashes. Neither of you cared if you had each other. Kaz turned his gaze back to you, and you quickly smiled at him before moving to stand up slowly. So many things still had to be figured out. So many people had to be brought into the loop, but not tonight. No. Tonight, you needed one another. Tonight, you needed to be you and let Kaz be him.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kazle Dazle taglist: @igakc @anxiousbeech @vicky-09 @coldheartedmar @teigo-the-explorer @whos6claire @0bsessedwithfictionalcharacters @dal-light @outlawqueen17 @littletargaryens-blog @honeyrydernot @woowwwee @kazzledazzle-s1d3 @soby0 @tremendoushearttaco @queenofshinigamis @aeslenya @lu123sworld @twlegit

[drconstellation]

Taking Things At Face Value

This post is dedicated to all those Ninas out there, who are "just enjoying the show."

I have been pondering an problem that had come up for a second time in another meta I'm writing (I left it out of an earlier one for clarity) regarding acknowledgement of identity and faces in S2, but when you keep running into the same road-block, you have to tackle it head on. Then I ran into the exact same problem a third time here, and the beginnings of this meta has sat in my drafts file staring at me for several weeks while I've been doing other things. But finally, finally, the answer has come to me, while being kept awake by a passing thunderstorm at 1.30am.

MRS SANDWICH: You're a good lad. CROWLEY: I'm not actually, either. But thank you.

Let's start with this exchange between Crowley and Mrs Sandwich, after Crowley has led all the Whickber St shopkeepers out of the ball to apparent safety. She calls him a "good lad," and he denies it, but thanks her anyway, and gives her a charming smile. We all know Crowley hates being called 'nice' and the last time he did something 'good' he got dragged down to Hell for punishment, so it seems like an odd thing to happen.

But the thing is, while Mrs Sandwich is complimenting his actions, he is responding about his appearance - that is neither 'good' (i.e. he is a demon) or a male human (i.e. he is an supernatural non-gendered entity.)

At this point you might be going "yeah, yeah, we know, we get that! Move along op..." but this matters, as you soon will see. We should also note that neither Crowley or Aziraphale judge Mrs Sandwich for being a brothel madame (how Aziraphale does not know this when her shop is just over the road from his I will never fathom, but there you go) and Crowley is actually quite charming all-round to his parallel character (prostitution and demons going hand-in-hand - er, not literally. But they went out the door as the vanguard arm-in-arm, though.)

The Metatron turning up at the bookshop in person is the next scene on the cards. Firstly, archangel Michael doesn't recognize him, but Saraqael obviously does.

Now, I know I'm guilty of saying that Michael may have had their memory adjusted at some time, but I'm going to suggest something else at this point. Saraqael knows who this is, because they have just had a fresh reminder from watching the recordings of Gabriel with Crowley and Muriel. And Saraqael is a pretty smart angel, so lets give them some leeway on this one. But for Michael, well, they are in the same situation as Aziraphale. They have only seen the Metatron as giant floating head without a body, so don't associate him with this appearance before them, and also because he has a beard.

Just before you jump on me and say "But he had one in the recordings!" yes, yes, I know. Two things, though, I want to bring to your attention: angels are not supposed to have facial hair,* and he doesn't have any in S1 (I checked!) and he also makes the comment "This calls for much less attention, though." Yeah, well a giant head floating through the streets of Soho would be quite a sight, wouldn't it, even though they had already been treated to the view of Gabriel's royal rear-end. Aziraphale had only met him once before, as a giant floating head in S1E4 who had had to introduce himself, so we could surmise this is Michael's problem as well, even though they were at Gabriel's trial. This is backed up by a tumblr ask/answer from NG as well, where he said "I think because they normally see him as a giant floating head, and not as a little man in a raincoat."

MICHAEL: Um, and who are you? METATRON: For Heaven's sake. And I mean that most literally. You don't know me? Well, uh, what about you? Demon? Do you know me?

Demon. That is what the Metatron chooses to call Crowley in that company, and we know in hindsight that he knows Crowley's name - as does Uriel, and Gabriel. Even Muriel learns it. But they don't use it, at least not in S2.

Even more notable is that the archangels don't deign to him give the respect of using his chosen name at all. He's not not even their enemy at this point - he's beneath their notice altogether, even though they are in the same room. Only Aziraphale seems to acknowledge his existence, instinctively trying to reach out to him as he passes by.

To Nina, people are coffee preferences.

To Mrs Sandwich, they are desires that need servicing.

So then question I had, and that stopped me, was why did both Crowley and Gabriel question Beelzebub about their new face?

It stood out to me because you don't normally make an obvious comment about the change of actor for a character, and to do it twice - !! You can't ignore that. No meta writer should ignore that. There is a trope term for this, actually, called "lampshading," which means to intentionally call attention to an incongruent situation within a story before moving on, but in a show where nothing is an accident, this seems a bit trite to me. Eventually I realized that this was the whole crux of the problem to me - that while we all too readily take things at face value, its not the faces that really influence us, its our internal values.

In the case of Beelzebub, Crowley recognizes the demon, their power, and their identity via the flies without any doubt; he merely comments on the change of exterior appearance. In terms of value, he knows straight away he's dealing with someone dangerous, no matter what they look like. Gabriel, on the other hand, is judging the book by its cover, and because he doesn't recognize the new cover, he needs proof of which demon he's dealing with, or maybe if they are even a demon at all.

"Bravo," says Nina, "Just enjoying the show." She's already seen a few that week, not to mention just in the general flow of life as a shop owner involved with customer service. If you've had any sort of life in a customer service role I'm sure you've got a few stories you could tell of things you've seen or experienced as well! I know I can.

The conversation between Nina and Crowley after Aziraphale walks away is amusing for all the assumptions Nina makes about them based on what she's observed that week, but also because Crowley tells the truth every in every reply to Nina, and yet she still has no idea what he's really saying. But her judgements, based on her experience and values, still manage to drop the proverbial ton of bricks on his head so badly he slinks off to sooth himself with some alcohol while he thinks about it instead of catching up with Aziraphale to continue being the angel's nameless shadow.

This problem with judging people on previous experience and not on who they actually are is everywhere in S2.

It's Ennon treating Aziraphale, an angel he's never met before, as a slut.

It's Elspeth judging Aziraphale on his accent.

It's Mrs H. giving a powerful demon a blistering tongue-lashing because she thinks he's a just simple human black marketeer.

It's Crowley refusing to call Gabriel "Jim" because he believes Gabriel is faking it.

...and so on. These are just a few examples. I'm sure you can spot a few more.

Which brings us back around to the meeting of the supernatural Councils in the bookshop in S2E6 and Crowley's "invisibility" to the other angels and demons gathered there. A demon to the archangels, an arch-traitor to the demons, why would they want to acknowledge him? Once he restores Gabriel, he becomes rank-less and faceless to them because they don't need him any more - its basically an act of celestial racism.

Nina and Maggie don't really know any better, they still think Mr Crowley and Mr Fell are just, well, "partners." OK, so maybe they've been doing some weird shit the last few days manipulating things in the neighbourhood but they're still obviously a couple a group of the two of them in their human eyes - and neither do they seem to care that they seem to be mlm, either. No judgement there.

A number of times I've seen ops say they've been watching GO with family members who are seeing it for the first time, and the family member thinks they are just "close friends." Why? Because they haven't seen S2 and the kiss? Because they haven't verbally said "I love you" to each other? Do they really need to say that to prove their feelings for each other? Is that just your values creeping to the fore?

And where did you get your values from?

Sometimes you need to stop and question why you think what you think. I'm not just talking about religious indoctrination. Some expectations put on us by by society at large can be insidious. Expectations around how gender should act, the life purpose of a gender, your worth to society if you don't meet certain unspoken standards, age-related behaviour, social norms around alcohol consumption, the way they dress, what someone eats, the way they eat it, that you must be seen to be productive, or busy...take your pick for whatever is prevalent around you at the moment and for your culture. Just start by noticing, and being aware.

Yes, it is pointless, because demons and angels all come from the same angelic stock. There was a bit of a disagreement at one point and they split into two groups, and judgemental labels got applied to them. They are both still bureaucratic horrors. Which ever side wins the final battle, humans still lose.

Mortal humans all look the same inside, too, if you take their face and skin away and take the societal labels off them. We forget that about ourselves all the time.

There doesn't have to be any wibbly-wobbly timeline stuff going on to explain things. What ever happened to the concept of Occam's Razor? The simplest answer is usually the correct one. And that was what I realized in the middle of the night - the cliche I had used to title this was the answer. It's about being aware of those ingrained, instinctive, judgmental values that you don't realize you've learnt, and looking past the faces that you meet.

*oh lawdy, I'm giving strength to all of you who want to believe he is a demon then, aren't I? But do demons have facial hair either?

[jahayla-parker]

Dead: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 5.8k wc, for the prompt of "You're supposed to be dead" originally for this request but I went overboard so I separated Kaz's!

Warnings: passive suicidal thoughts (NO action), mentions of death and injuries, trauma references, drinking, grief, loss, etc. and typical SOC/SAB trigger warnings

Maybe in the end, Kaz was meant to be alone.

It would make sense after all.

He certainly deserved to end up alone.

Yet, he must have done something right along the way.

After all, the universe, one of Inej’s saints, or whatever other force allegedly existed, had granted him y/n.

He never thought he’d be with anyone.

Kaz thought he was too far gone, too broken, too cruel, too numb, etc.

He never thought he'd be able to love someone; not after Jordie.

He thought he'd never let himself experience that sentiment ever again; much less express it.

He never thought he'd be able to become the person he now was.

That is until some unknown force brought the wonderfully undeserved presence that was Y/n into his life.

Despite his most aggressive and resistant behavior towards forming anything with her, he did.

Despite his toxic actions and inactions, she stuck around.

It was as if there was nothing that could tear them apart.

Not even Kaz’s phenomenal self-sabotage skills could make her give up on him.

However, at some point, Kaz allowed himself to become naive, ignorant, and lovesick.

In other words, Kaz Rietveld has taken control over the bastard's heart and mind when it came to her.

So much so that he’d allowed himself to fall into the position in which he was now facing.

A situation he swore he’d never find himself in.

Not again, anyways; not after having been there before due to Jordie.

Yet, here he was.

Alone in his chaotic mess of an office.

Drinking whatever Saint-forsaken thing he could find.

He knew he was cutting deep into the Crow Club's profits.

Kaz Brekker’s voice tauntingly scolded him despite Kaz Rietveld’s mind still being in control of his emotional state.

He desperately wished Dirtyhands would take over his mind and heart entirely.

It wouldn’t hurt then; or at least not as much.

He’d sworn to never let anyone get close enough for this to happen.

And yet, it had; she did.

He let her get close to him; he needed her to.

So, his naive Rietveld mentality had convinced the Kaz Brekker mentality he formed to learn to accept it.

Oh, how he wished he could go back and undo that acceptance.

But did he?

Is that really what he wanted?

To undo accepting her into his life?

Sure, he’d not be experiencing an excruciating sense of loss right now.

But was the lack of an excruciating sense of loss worth her absence in his life?

No.

Neither part of him believed that he'd choose anything over her.

Ironically, it didn’t matter.

He’d have to experience her absence one way or the other.

For now, it wasn’t anything he even had a choice in.

She was gone.

He could’ve saved her.

He should’ve saved her.

But he hadn’t.

And now, the Bastard found himself alone again.

For the first time in a long time.

And nothing, and no one, could cure the aching and longing loneliness he felt.

Not his sharpshooter, Jesper.

Not his Wraith, Inej.

Not his heartrender, Nina.

Not his demolitions expert, Wylan.

Not his Fjerdan, Matthias.

Not the countless bottles of alcohol he’d downed.

Not the overpriced scented candle Kaz gifted Y/n days prior that used to make him grin over how excited she would be to light it.

Not now that it sat on the nightstand, never to be used again.

Not the throwing of papers and plans he'd done upon entering his room.

Not the reminder that he'd experienced something similar before.

For while that was true, having chosen to risk this type of loss all over again made it much worse now.

And nothing, absolutely nothing, could erase the flashbacks in his mind.

They were there even if he didn’t close his eyes.

They were always there.

But she wasn't.

No one could pull him from the ceaseless sense of drowning inside him.

Not even himself.

None of his previously formed coping mechanisms worked.

No one could get him to open up and talk.

No one could get him to accept it.

No one could get him to heal from it.

No one could get him to move on from the immediate aftermath of her death.

Though, they’d tried.

Jesper had offered to show Kaz how to let go and decompress the way he would after a bad heist.

He knew the Bastard wouldn't talk to him about what he was experiencing, so he tried to help through action.

Yet, Kaz refused to follow Jesper around from gambling den to gambling den.

So, Wylan stepped in and tried to play some relaxing music for him.

Wylan knew music could be healing and calming, but despite his best efforts, Kaz remained the same.

Nina was the next to try but when she tried to loosen his muscles, Kaz snapped at her.

It was the one time he truly said much of anything since that night

But, it told them all they had to know.

Kaz Brekker was gone.

They didn't know who, if anyone, would form over time.

But, their boss -and dare to say it, friend- was no longer there.

Inej merely left a note on his desk that she was there to talk if he wished to do so; not wanting to push him when he was already suffering.

Matthias normally couldn't care less for the demjin, but when Kaz shouted for Nina to leave him be and that he didn't want the pain to leave his body, even Matthias felt sorry for him.

The Fjerdan knew immediately what Kaz was meaning.

He too was willing to feel the pain of his losses (his parents and sister) as it acted as some torturous connection to the person they'd lost.

So, he helped Inej make sure the Crow Club kept operating so Kaz would have one less worry whenever he came back to them.

So Kaz once again found himself alone.

It wasn’t truly the being alone that bothered him.

It was the fact he was alone because she was gone that was painful

He could handle being alone.

But he couldn’t handle being without her.

He couldn't stand living in a world in which she didn’t exist.

He’d contemplated removing that possibility.

After all, he'd taken down Pekka Rollins already.

And now that Y/n was gone, he truly had no purpose here anymore.

But he knew it wouldn’t matter.

Even if Inej was right about their being some form of afterlife, he wouldn’t see y/n after his death.

If such a thing existed, she’d have earned a spot in 'Heaven'.

She'd be somewhere Kaz would never be allowed.

Somewhere almost deserving of her presence.

He wasn’t sure where Jordie had ended up, assuming Inej was right.

He wanted to believe his brother would also go to 'Heaven'.

However, due to Kaz's lack of faith, he didn’t know what behaviors amounted to earning a spot in 'Heaven'.

Nor did he know what behaviors would remove someone from such a place.

For all he knew, the Saints could have some tally sheet of behaviors that they kept track of throughout one's life.

Perhaps y/n wouldn’t get to the highest level of afterlife either.

But, if you asked Kaz, he knew she deserved far higher than him; no matter what she may have had to do to survive before they'd met.

Y/n was far better than him.

Far better than he was.

Far better than he is.

Far better than he ever could’ve been.

Far better than he ever would be now.

And far better than he deserved.

So, regardless of what the Saints might demand to get in, he knew that he’d never see her again even if there were an afterlife.

That didn’t stop the thought of attempting to get to wherever she was from occurring day in and day out; despite the constant alcoholic buzz he had.

No amount of paperwork, liquor, Kruge, heists, etc. could distract him enough from missing her.

He felt her absence everywhere.

The same way he’d felt her presence just days before.

The presence he’d never feel again.

It wasn’t that he had forgotten it was possible to lose her.

He just pushed aside the fear of that pain for the -at the time- current comfort of being with her.

The guy who cared only about his own survival found someone he was ready to die for.

Yet, he was denied the chance to show her that.

Instead, he was forced to watch her die while he stood by helplessly.

He always accounted for everything.

But losing her was not something he could have seen coming.

It should’ve been.

He knows that.

But the idea was far too terrifying and painful to even contemplate, much less anticipate or prepare for.

So he hadn’t.

He always took measures to ensure her safety.

Certainly during heists.

Yet, it wasn't enough.

It wasn’t enough to save her.

He wasn’t enough.

He hadn’t been calculated enough.

He hadn't been smart enough.

He hadn’t been focused enough.

When it came down to it, he hadn’t been enough.

And now she was gone.

And the only person he could truly blame was himself.

Of course, by now each of the opposing parties had been dealt with in a very Kaz-like manner.

He hadn't done so with the hopes that it would’ve eased his pain or his guilt.

He knew it wouldn’t.

But he couldn’t let them get away with it either.

She deserved better.

The least he could do was take their lives the way they took hers.

Yet, it did nothing to lower the waves -that normally rose to his chest- that now nearly reached his nose.

Nor did it do the one thing he was truly desperate for.

The bastard of the Barrel was never one to be seen as desperate.

Well, apart from having been desperate for revenge against Pekka; and perhaps Kruge.

But even so, that desperation was kept in check.

However, this was not.

And Kaz didn’t bother to pretend otherwise.

He couldn’t muster the energy to maintain his normally stoic demeanor to the full extent.

To most who didn’t know him, he probably looked like the same careless Barrel boss as before.

But those closest to him, his crows, and even some of the closer dregs saw the drastic change in him that night.

He’d always been troubled and plagued with his past and his losses.

But he now seemed haunted and hallowed by them.

No one knew what to do and they’d all been grieving in their own rights so no one found a way to truly comfort him.

Not that any attempt would be successful; as Kaz did not see himself coming back from this one.

Y/n had helped him with the trauma surrounding his brother Jordie.

But no one would be capable of helping him with the trauma of losing her.

He knew she had more power and impact on him than he’d ever care to admit.

But by the time he knew this, he was too far gone to effectively resist.

Losing her was like not only losing a part of himself but himself altogether.

He lost the drive that Kaz Brekker had.

His immediate anger and heartbreak had alleviated the people who played a role in her passing.

He now had no one to hunt, scheme against, nor harm.

No one to blame.

No one but himself.

And yet, even he knew that no one could have seen this coming.

Not even Dirtyhands Kaz Brekker.

Yet, he was the only option he had as a source to assign blame to.

Nonetheless, he lost the confidence and passion that the Barrell boss once had.

He lost the small spark of light that y/n instilled in him.

The light that made him believe even Kaz Brekker deserved a happy ending.

Now he was resigned to the fact he was clearly meant to end up alone.

If only he’d stuck with that belief, perhaps she would still be here.

He lost the happiness he’d worked so hard to accept from her.

She had been his one true source of happiness.

The crows and successful heists brought similar emotions.

But, only through y/n was he able to truly appreciate all of it.

He also lost what remained of poor, pathetic, little, Kaz Rietveld.

Any innocence that may have lingered deep down inside of him after Jordie’s death was now undoubtedly erased after y/n’s.

Any kindness or compassion he felt towards others felt ripped away from him as he fell into a numb state of being.

He hadn’t accounted for what his life would be like if she’d passed.

If anyone had asked prior to that night, he’d have told them he would be fine.

Of course he would, he’d have said, after all he’d experienced loss before.

And it drove him.

But even with Jordie, he didn’t truly survive.

A new version of him did, but he wasn’t the same.

Not until y/n had managed to resurrect what remained of the original version of himself.

Now both versions were destroyed and he didn’t know where that left him.

Other than in his office, endlessly drinking liquor as if it were a life source, and feeling sorry for himself.

Oh, if only Dirtyhands Kaz Brekker could see himself right now.

------

Kaz had drunk himself into such a stupor that he didn't hear the knock on his door.

It was now several nights after the incident and he hadn’t emerged from his chambers in well over 48 hours now.

So, unbeknownst to him, their home had an unexpected presence.

After much debate, the crows had agreed to step back and allow Kaz to contact the presence first.

Hence why Wylan's knocking increased in tempo; as if trying to show the urgency behind it.

Yet, the sound merely reverberated off the walls of Kaz's room without him noticing.

From the other side of the door, Jesper huffed loudly.

He signaled for the others to move back; ready to take whatever drastic measures it took to alert his best friend to the news he knew Kaz needed.

Nina gently placed her hands on her friends' shoulders and guided them away from the doorway.

Jesper smirked at the girls beside him before he aggressively kicked the wooden door, his smirk growing as the wood splintered and the door swung open.

“Kaz” Jesper said firmly as the crows all squinted in order to adjust to the dim lighting of his room.

Kaz either didn’t hear Jesper or chose to ignore him.

Instead of responding, he merely sipped on the amber liquid in his glass.

“We should leave you to it” Inej suggested, giving her friend a smile and shoulder squeeze before having to all but drag the others away.

Kaz’s eyes never changed from the distant look they had seemingly taken on before they'd entered.

He hadn’t moved one millimeter other than to take another sip of his drink.

Anyone could see the state of distress the Bastard had been in by just seeing the state of his room.

There was broken glass and other debris around the room, empty liquor bottles piled up in an overflowing garbage bin, an unusual lack of papers/plans on his desk, etc.

The phsyical state of his room along with the completely dissociated gaze his eyes held broke y/n’s heart as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

She wasn’t sure what she expected after that night.

She knew he likely thought she was dead.

After all, she thought she was going to be.

She should’ve been.

She knew Kaz loved her, in his own way.

So she expected some kind of reaction to her apparent death.

But, she hadn’t expected this.

She hadn’t wanted this.

Shed made her way back to their home as quickly and safely as she reasonably could.

It had taken over a day to do so, but she didn’t want Kaz’s crew or their fellow Crows to spot her.

She knew they’d immediately tell Kaz and given that he’d seen her fall after being shot, she knew he’d lash out at the reporting party for spreading gossip.

She hoped she could make it to him undetected but quickly enough to prevent him from much grief.

But even though it hadn’t taken her much more than a day to reach him, he seemed to have already spiraled.

She took a deep breath and slowly walked closer to his desk.

Y/n hated how his eyes never left his glass despite her movements.

He was never this unobservant.

Or perhaps he no longer cared nor had the energy to bother with his surroundings.

Either way, she hated this.

Y/n cautiously set a hand over the far side of the rim on his glass as she tried to block him from taking another slug of the beverage.

She watched as his body reacted slowly.

While it took much longer than normal, his reaction was enough to show Kaz had been able to sense a change, which was more than she’d gotten so far.

Kaz’s glazed eyes dragged upwards from his glass to her face in a painstakingly glacial pace.

When they finally landed on her, he froze for a moment, his eyes now appearing needy and hungry.

Once his eyes seemed to take in her presence, they shut tightly as his body shook.

Y/n swallowed thickly as uncharacteristic tears pushed their way through Kaz’s closed eyes and down his face.

“Kaz” y/n whispered.

She wanted so badly to kneel by his desk as to be closer to him, but her wounded leg wouldn’t let her.

She watched as he slammed his glass down, the liquid splashing out the rim onto his desk.

He drug his hand down his face and gripped the edge of the desk “fuck”.

Y/n saw he was wearing his gloves despite being alone in his room and her heart somehow hurt even more.

He hadn’t done that in years.

Yet, here he was, unable to handle the feeling of even his own skin.

“Kaz, please talk to me” she tried again, desperately wanting to help him.

She watched as a sob shook his body and barely squeaked past his lips.

The sound made her own tears fall faster.

“Love, I want to help-“ y/n whispered after giving themselves a moment to regain their composure.

“You’re not real! Just fucking stop” Kaz shouted, both of his hands flying to his face.

One of his hands began pulling at his hair until it hurt, the other pinching the bridge of his nose.

He felt insane.

He knew he’d been drinking far too much.

Perhaps this illusion before him was somehow his consequence.

Y/n watched him closely, unsure how to reach him.

They’d worked on his touch aversion before but now hardly seemed like the time to push it.

“Kaz, I am real” she spoke tenderly, watching his body language for any signs of him listening to her.

He only shook his head and stifled another sob.

Y/n sniffled and audibly took a deep breath, “I know… and I’m sorry, I came as fast as I could-”.

“It… it isn’t… it is not possible” Kaz repeated to himself.

“Look at me, please. Kaz I need to see your eyes” y/n begged.

It would usually work as Kaz knew how comforting it was to look into her eyes so he’d always returned the favor when prompted.

However, y/n watched his fingers grip together tightly as he resisted looking up at her.

“Look I tried to… I know I was bleeding…-“ she began trying to explain but was uncertain how to do so.

“Hey, see my leg? That’s from the fall, but I’m not dead” y/n attempted, pointing down at her excessively bandaged leg.

Kaz shook his head defiantly, not glancing up from the desk.

There was no way she didn’t die, he’d seen her fall.

He’d never have left her if he didn’t know she was dead

Even when he knew, Mathias had to shove and push him back to the club as his body froze at the sight.

All of his survival instants evaporated when he watched her fall to her death.

He threw up the contents of his stomach once he’d made it back and realized Matthias had been touching him the whole time.

So, he knew this illusion before him had to be wrong.

But he couldn’t figure out why his mind would do this to him.

Because, despite the illusion of her presence in this moment, Kaz had the image of her death burned in his mind.

The image had played in his mind on endless loop for hours, hence the never ending flow of alcohol.

Seeing his once again distant stare, y/n sighed, “Kaz I’m alive… it’s me, I promise. I’m okay, I’m not dead”.

Kaz’s brain replayed the torturous flashback upon hearing her words.

His eyes stared blankly ahead at the wall as his mind once again recalled the night he’d lost her.

The heist had gone wrong, the crows were detected far earlier than planned due to the sudden rainfall.

The intense rainfall diminished the fog Wylan’s explosives were supposed to offer, prompting the guards of the house they were fleeing to spot them much faster than anticipated.

This meant everyone was rushing back to the Crow Club and not as attentive to their surroundings.

Well, everyone but Kaz.

Kaz, of course, stayed as attentive as always.

He saw the way the water was gathering in the sight depressed areas of the old roofs.

He warned y/n and Inej to be cautious and aware of them.

But they still had to hurry nonetheless in order to not be caught.

Kaz was a few feet behind on the ground when it happened.

He watched in horror as a bullet pierced her left shoulder, making her dodge to the right in response.

But as she did, she lost her footing when she stepped into the small puddle of water that had formed in a small bowl shape indentation on the roof.

Kaz watched as her ankle buckled and she fell to her side, her upper body hanging over the edge.

Kaz had unconsciously begun to painfully climb the stairs on the side of the building.

Despite the pain in his legs he needed to reach her before the situation worsened.

So he pressed on, reaching the top rather quickly.

But as he pushed himself onto the roof, he could only watch as the guard shoved her lower body off the slanted roof.

It took only seconds for Kaz to disarm the guard and turn him into a bloody withering mess.

As the man slid off the roof, Kaz neared the edge only to see the exact thing he feared he’d see.

Her limp body was laid there, eyes open but blank, blood puddled around her shoulder and head.

He pressed his cane into the roof more to stabilize himself as the rain continued to gush down on him.

He stared at her, waiting for her chest to begin rising and falling again.

It had to.

She had to be okay.

He wasn’t able to think clearly enough to even question it when something suddenly shoved him away from the scene.

His eyes may have physically left the scene at that moment, but the image of her limp frame was already burned into his retinas.

And that image was all he saw until he’d arrived back at the club.

And that image was what continued to haunt him now.

Kaz slowly came back to the present moment, his body trembling and lip bleeding from biting it so aggressively.

He looked up at the illusion of her and glared, “I don’t know what alleged Saint I’ve wronged, but what kind of Saint does this to someone?!”

With a sorrowful look in her eyes, she shook her head, “Kaz, there’s no Saint involved. It’s me, it’s y/n”.

Seeing the anger and disbelief still in his eyes, she closed the distance and smiled softly.

She set her hand palm upwards on his desk, as an invite for him to touch her and see that she was real; if he were able to.

It took several silent minutes of him staring at her hand before he moved.

But, when he did, he reluctantly removed one glove and placed his fingertips against her palm.

His chair squeaked against the floor as he jumped at the feeling of her hand against his fingers.

The feeling he knew and cherished.

As his eyes became glassier, Kaz adjusted so he could firmly place his fingers over her wrist in search of her pulse.

When he acknowledged there was in fact a pulse, his grip on her wrist tightened some.

“B-but-..” He cleared his throat, eyes fierce as they looked up at her in frustration, “You’re supposed to be dead!”

“I’m not though, Kaz” she assured him with a delicate smile.

When he removed his hand from hers to out his glove back on, she waited for him to speak.

However when he didn’t soften his intense glare, she spoke again.

“If you prefer that though..” She teases hoping to break the tension, “I can just-“

“Don’t” Kaz’s raspy voice demanded as he abruptly stood.

He let his eyes scan her whole body slowly.

Both in search of injuries or signs of her fall, and in searches of all the tiny details only he knew.

Like the way she had a faint scar on her elbow from a fight she’d won the night Kaz met her.

Or the details he memorized in the way that she would stand when nervous.

Once he’d had adequate time to take in her appearance, she softly assured him, “I’m here Kaz. It’s me”.

“I thought…” his voice broke and he cleared his throat as to not sound weak when speaking again.

“I lost you” He stated, eyes furrowed as he looked at her.

“Kaz you didn’t-“ she sighed sympathetically as she scanned the pain in his features.

“Yes I did” He corrected, sitting down when his legs shook.

“Losing you was a nightmare that I begged every day to awake from." He admitted, resting his sweaty forehead in his gloved palms as he propped himself up with the support of his desk.

She drug over a chair, her chair that was across the room when she’d arrived.

Sitting beside him without touching him, she spoke softly, “you’ve awakened from it now Kaz. I’m so sorry it to me so long to-“.

“How?” He cut in, eyes dazed as he looked at her.

“How?” She asked, uncertain which topic he was referencing.

“How did you survive? You- he cleared his throat you stopped breathing and the … blood..” he whispered, his gravely voice thicker than normal.

She nodded, “Nina’s friend, Lieke, from the little palace? Well, she happened to be nearby”.

“She’s a heartrenderer?” Kaz asked, racking his brain to see if he already knew this.

Y/n nodded again, “I’d never met her, but Lieke said she owed Nina a favor”.

Kaz was silent as his mind tried to play through it to make sure this wasn’t some twisted scheme.

Y/n knew from the look on his face what he was doing

So, she continued her weak attempt at explaining the situation she barely came to terms with herself.

“I guess she recognized me and us all, thanks to Nina’s stories and your reputation, so when she saw me … fall…” she whispered.

“She waited until it was safe and then she took me in and patched me up. She said I wasn’t awake for a few days… So,.. so I had a late start getting here. I’m sorry-” y/n frowned.

“Don’t” Kaz barked harshly, closing his eyes in guilt at his outburst.

After a moment of tense silence, he took a shaky breath and continued.

“Do not apologize for that” Kaz demanded, “I don’t care how long it took”.

She gave him a thankful timid smile as he glanced up at her.

“I shouldn’t have left you” he said, his voice laced with guilt.

“Kaz, you thought-” she argued, her voice far more sympathetic than Kaz felt he deserved.

“I know what I thought” he snapped, his eyes glazing over again.

“There is no greater terror than watching something you love fall right in front of your eyes” Kaz remarked, staring straight ahead.

“L-love?” Y/n asked, a small gasp escaping her lips.

He nodded once firmly, moving so his eyes were now staring into hers.

She knew he loved her but he hadn’t been able to say it before.

“I love you too Kaz. I’m here, you can breathe now” she calmly said, giving him a tender smile.

Kaz stared at her silently.

He needed to say it.

He wanted to say it.

He thought he had missed his chance before.

He couldn’t risk missing it again now that she was here.

This wasn’t how he thought he’d finally say it to her whenever he found the nerve to.

But, he supposed it was also kinda fitting for them.

“I do” he started, taking a deep inhale upon seeing her confusion, “I do ..love you.”

Her lips snapped up into a wide grin as she gazed lovingly back at him.

“I love you” Kaz repeated, more confidently this time.

She stood up beside his desk, setting her wrist out on his table again.

Kaz glanced at her before tugging off his gloves and gripping her wrist, fingers splayed crossed her pulse.

He closed his eyes as he fought the urge to puke.

But, as his fingers met her skin, her warmth and steady heartbeat under his fingertips was distraction enough.

And the fact it meant she was here and alive was rewarding and calming to him.

When he opened his eyes he saw she’d been switching between watching him and looking at the room.

Kaz instantly became aware of the state of his room.

He felt kiss cheeks warm faintly, “I’ll clean it up”.

She shook her head, tentatively reaching her fingers toward his forehead.

They had touched more than this before, but he was appreciative that she was cautious given everything that’d transpired the last week.

He wasn’t sure how he’d react either.

He nodded at her in approval and his heart fluttered warmly as she delicately pushed some stray hairs from his forehead.

For a few minutes they silently stared at each other, staying like that with her fingers minimally touching his forehead.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve been feeling Kaz” she told him sorrowfully.

Dirtyhands fought with him to stay silent, the way he’d done since the incident happened.

Yet, the fragmented pieces of Kaz Rietveld crawled their way through his walls and told him to open up to her.

He could see the look in her eyes and knew from the tone of her voice that she wanted to understand how he’d been since they last were together.

So, despite his reluctance, he let the pieces of his former self - the ones he thought had died with her-reignite.

“I wanted to scream” he began shyly.

“ I wanted to burst into tears, I wanted to die, but all I could do was stare at the wall in silence and drink” Kaz admitted, motioning to the bottles scattering the floor.

She hummed softly, moving her hand that was near his forehead to place it on top of his hand that had been resting in her other palm.

Kaz closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, but as she went to pull away, he pressed his other hand over hers silently to keep it in place.

When he reopened his eyes he lifted a hand up to cup her cheek, “you’re here”.

She moved closer, “I am. I’m here”.

Kaz gave her cheek a tender stroke with his thumb as he offered her a smile; the kind only she ever got to see.

“No more rooftops” Kaz said, abruptly pulling back and writing something on a piece of paper he grabbed from the floor.

Y/n smirked and rolled her eyes.

Normally she’d argue with him about his overprotective behavior, but she knew better.

She didn’t want to imagine how she’d have been if the roles were reversed.

So instead, she nodded slowly when he looked up at her waiting on her annoyed argument he expected.

He let out a soft sigh of relief and gave her a small nod before he resumed scribbling, “The heartrender was Lieke, you said?”

Y/n smiled and nodded, “Lieke Abspoel. Super nice, from the Little Palace. That’s all I’ve got. Nina probably has more information on her.”

Kaz nodded and made a note to have Zenik bring this heartrender to him later.

For now, he planned to let himself enjoy the moment.

Sensing he was staring at her as she looked around the room, y/n turned back to him.

Smiling softly she walked to the bookshelf across the room and grabbed the hard spine of a book.

Kaz only realized in that moment that when he’d been staring off at the wall, he has actually been staring at that particular book without realizing it.

When she sat on the ledge of his window perch, Kaz routinely joined her, taking the book from her hands.

As he read the title, he felt his face warm and he grinned faintly.

The book he’d been unknowingly staring at the whole time was her favorite book.

Of course it was.

Dirtyhands wanted to smack himself for the loving and soft thoughts floating through his mind right now, but Kaz didn’t care.

He was just glad he hasn’t an actually lost her.

After reading the first line, he abruptly stood up and placed the book down.

Y/n watched in confusion as he dragged his desk chair over to her.

With her nonverbal approval, Kaz tenderly lifted her leg up onto it.

He glanced from the injured leg to her face and she smiled reassuringly “she could only do so much, she said it’ll take another week or so to fully set, but it doesn’t hurt”.

“You shouldn’t have walked here “ Kaz told her, almost scolding her.

She shook her head, “I needed to see you, couldn’t have you thinking you should be moving on without me”.

His eyes snapped to hers and he gave her a firm stare even if she’d been teasing, he wasn’t, “that wouldn’t ever happen”.

She hummed softly and nodded.

He slowly rejoined her, opening the book and holding it just above her leg closest to him as he prepared to read to her.

While he knew things would likely return to normal in the coming weeks, he would always cherish this moment.

Kaz had his girl back.

And now, he knew of additional ways to keep her safe.

Including, perhaps hiring a second heartrender to be on call should the need arise.

Kaz Brekker Navigation/Masterlist

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Current tag list (comment here to added): @directioner5life @ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @brekkershadowsinger @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx

[lookingatacupoftea]

They’re not talking (or are they?)

Please don’t tag or ask Neil about fan theories!

Thinking about how Crowley and Aziraphale seem to keep a lot from each other in S2, particularly Crowley keeping information from Aziraphale.

It’s perfectly possible that much of this is communicated between them offscreen or just doesn’t matter or is a victim of on-set rewrites. But it happens a lot in S2 and a few of these are pretty important details that appear to be deliberately kept secret. 

Things that Crowley knows that Aziraphale doesn’t (as far as we know):

Crowley is living in the Bentley (Aziraphale doesn’t know per Neil)

Crowley has been replaced as hell’s representative (unclear but some have speculated that Aziraphale doesn’t realize this until Shax tells him)

Beez’s offer (sort of revealed in the final fifteen)

BOL threat

Where Crowley goes in his tactical turtleneck during the Job minisode (speculative, could mean nothing)

Shax sniffing around the bookshop 

The memory snippets Jim shares while Aziraphale is in Edinburgh

That “it’s always too late” (could just be a nod to Crowley’s watch in the book)

Where Crowley goes the morning of the ball (speculative)

Crowley telling Jim that he was the one in heaven

Nina’s troubles with and breakup with Lindsay

What happened in heaven and the memory wipe threat

What N&M said to Crowley

Things that Aziraphale knows that Crowley doesn’t (as far as we know)

Maggie crying over Nina (edited to add: this is a weird one because Crowley does know this later but we don’t see Aziraphale tell him and he doesn’t observe her crying himself)

What Aziraphale wanted to tell Crowley when he came out of the Job memory

The Mason clue

What else Aziraphale did in Edinburgh (speculative)

Shax’s visit to the Bentley (oddly, Crowley seems happy to be lied to about this when Aziraphale returns - “that’s what we want to hear”)

What Aziraphale wanted to suggest to Crowley at the start of the demon attack (possibly irrelevant after the fact)

The full Metatron conversation (speculative)

This is in contrast to S1, where secrets are kept but they make sense to the narrative. Aziraphale keeps Agnes Nutter and his Tadfield research from Crowley because he’s stuck between a rock (heaven wanting Armageddon) and a hard place (Crowley wanting to kill the kid). And while neither tells the other directly about threats from other angels and demons, this again is all part of the tight narrative of S1 where they both know that every other celestial but them wants Armageddon.

I keep coming back to how they’re never alone together in S2. The regular pattern of their lives is disrupted from the start. Jim is always in the bookshop, plus other visitors show up, or they’re in public. And we see them being spied on constantly. 

Secret communication, therefore, is my best potential explanation. S2 gave us added context for S1, as lots of you lovely theorizers like @drconstellation, @vidavalor and @leftduck9986 have noted. What if the choppiness in S2 is from missing scenes we’ll get in S3? Cain’s Jawbone across multiple seasons?

I think changing POV (paging @somehow-a-human) is another option for some of these — that thing where people erroneously expect others to know what they know. But that doesn’t work for what seems to be deliberate omissions like the BOL threat or Shax in the Bentley.

I’m open to other ideas, including that last-minute on-set rewrites are to blame. Thanks for reading! This will be me tomorrow wishing I was paid to think about Good Omens:

[stromuprisahat]

Leigh treated change and development as a testament of greed and lust in SoB trilogy. She didn't let Alina grow into her power or ditch relationships where her boundaries were not respected. Nor did she let her actually make a change from a political viewpoint. In SoC duology, neither the narrative or the characters shame Nina for addiction or dramatic, dark change of her powers. (Ik helnik is unrealistic, but let's forget that ship for a second.) Also, flaws of the relationships between characters were more acknowledged. Like, Jesper and Kaz's friendship and one-sided crush is messy and is treated as such. Jan Van Eck gets treated like the asshole he is. Colm obviously loves Jesper and vice versa, but they both majorly screwed up, realize it and apologise. (Jesper screwing up his life is a direct consequence of his father screwing up). Not to mention Kaz and Jordie, or even the way Kaz treats other Dregs (I mean minor characters like Anika, Imogen and Pim). I thought Leigh learned her lesson but then the disaster that is KoS duology happened so now I just don't know. I haven't read any of her works outside of Grishaverse, so Idk if she keeps okaying abusive relationships or what values she's pushing outside of that. Any thoughts?

I think Leigh might've taken the success of SoC as too literal instruction manual for her next books without realizing a single formula doesn't fit every story.

She tried to turn Ravkan Gang into Crows 2.0, including banter, even though they're supposed to be half a generation older leaders of a country, not teenage criminals. I won't even begin about the tragedy of errors she turned her new best girl character design into.

She also doesn't seem to be willing to admit that a good leader cannot remain morally pure or that a "good" person doesn't mean an all-loving fool. When working in the criminal underground, she allows her characters to get their Hands Dirty (See, what I did there? :D), but as someone incredibly naïve and uncomprehending matters of politics, she's trying to maintain the pedestal she decided to put her state leaders at.

The result is a frustrating, unrealistic mess.

You can take a heist story with a grain of salt, but political drama requires completely different level of believability.

[seramilla]

Dunno if it gets revealed in fallen Carmilla, fallen pregnant Sera au that they are married and stuff sooooo.....

Carmilla had a nice start of the day, waking up to her lovely wife, having breakfast with her family, going to work... That's where it all stops.

It was one of those days where nothing was going right. One of machines for making daggers stopped working so she spend 3 hours trying to fix it. Turns out one of her workers dropped a screw in the mechanical system, breaking the cogs in the process. She had to make new ones by hand which means a shipment is gonna be delayed. Also, one of the idiotic sinners tried to break in, destroying on of her doors and alarms in the process.

Even worse. She is in a meeting right now. In an extremely agitated mood. And Vee's are being annoying... If they weren't owners of a large sum of hell's population she wouldn't even invite those scoundrels.

Then a few words were said from Valentino to her daughters... The mama bear mode activated, buttons were pushed and a screaming match started. Zestial, and the girls tried to calm her down before she kills them all.

Both lucky and unlucky thing, depending which side you are looking at, happened. A loud "Mama!" was heard. A toddler run into a meeting room towards Carmilla laughing brightly and smiling widely.

The emotions that run through Carmilla's face ranged from worry and anxiety to curiosity and confusion.

She picked up the toddler. "Nina, what are you doing here?"

The girl smiled at her mama with a half gummy grin. "Hiding. Mommy, finding."

Carmilla smiled as she adjusted Emily in her arms and went to leave the meeting room. "Let's go find your mommy." Zestial and the girls followed in tow.

... Carmilla has completely forgotten other people in the room...

The others just stared at each other, wondering what the heck just happened. What kind of weapon is this that can calm Carmilla fucking Carmine so easily. And since when has she got another kid? Did this one have wings? And mentioned another mommy? What the heck?!?!

Carmilla's workers find out eventually, but it was never stated when. I can totally see Carmilla just forgetting about all the other people in the room when Emily appears. The girl is just part of her routine now, and she falls into caring for her out of habit, without realizing her employees are starting right at them. Then she's probably wondering where Sera is, if Emily is supposed to be "hiding".

Carmilla, Zestial, and the other girls run into Sera in the hallway. She's apologizing profusely, telling Carmilla she hadn't expected Emily to run off like that. They were supposed to be playing hide-and-seek in their living quarters, but Emily is so big now, she forgets how independent she's becoming. Carmilla eases Sera's fears...she always knew she couldn't keep them hidden forever. She knew the day would come, and it was only a matter of time. She'll deal with the media frenzy that is sure to follow the news that Carmilla not only has another kid, but she's also married, to an angel. The Vees are going to have a field day with this one.

But it's okay. She's not scared of them. Neither is Zestial. She knows as the oldest overlord, and one of the oldest Sinners in Hell, the extent of his powers are much greater than anyone outside their circle knows. He could evaporate any of the Vees in a puff of smoke, if he wanted to. He and Carmilla will deal with the fallout. Carmilla's just finally glad that the hiding and secrecy have come to an end. She doesn't have to hide her wife and child anymore, and that is freeing.