I wish I would belong somewhere. A friend group. A relationship.
But I never belong anywhere. I'm always just an outsider.
i just realized that I don’t have a single close friend. None of them text me or call me. nothing. But maybe it’s my fault bc i’m constantly pushing people away.
Somehow, despite my best attempts, I doubt I will ever be content with my own company.
I think there will forever be some part of me who yearns for that standard teenage friendship, you know? The late nights, the car rides, just the opportunity to have someone to talk to.
I’m so used to being second place- the friend they sit with when the others are away, the one they call when no one else picks up, that despite my best efforts, I can never see myself as anything more than a placeholder.
I’ve never had the high school dream. The friends, the parties, the relationships. Just the overwhelming sense of discomfort. The recognition that despite my best efforts, I will never be seen as more than the “fat friend”.
So apparently the universe didn't gave me enough social skills to interact with other humans and end my loneliness. BUT it did gave me just enough imagination so I can create fake scenarios in my head about the friends and relationship I will never have ... Thanks, I guess?
Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?
You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.
You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.
You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.
I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.
Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.
I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.
I’m just the easy and convenient friend.
And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.
I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.