#no more unattainable ideals to chase after

[mumuqings]

losing my mind over this too. bc now they’re finally equals :’)

[princessjojo-x]

CapricornVenus ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

💝 he takes love very seriously & he treats rxships like a business contract. scorpio venus put others through tests, whilst capricorn venus put others through a series of interviews. he will closely observe his potential partner to determine the type of woman she is. he will analyse her words, actions, interactions, morals, perspectives, achievements, background, temperament, etc. he is examining her to ensure she’s worthy of gaining access to the parts of him that he conceals from others. he doesn’t let just anyone into his life & it’s not easy to get close to him. if she doesn’t meet his standards then he won’t waste a single second on her. he knows exactly what he likes & what he doesn’t like. he won’t commit for fun or out of boredom. he’s either completely not interested or totally in love.

💝 he is a reliable, supportive & loyal with his partner. he act as a rock in rxships & he gives great advice. he’s willing to work through any rxship problems.

💝 he’s secretive abt his feelings, leaving his partner confused. this stems from a fear of showcasing vulnerability. be patient with him as he needs time to open up (esp if he has aqua placements but not so much if he has sag placements). since he’s quite unemotional & detached, he’s not the most affectionate & if he ever is affectionate, it will be done privately. he’s likely to show his “affection” through dependable actions, long-term planning & building a stable foundation.

💝 he’s usually aware that he’s being flirted with but will consciously ignore it. however, it’s his unapproachable vibe that entices potential partners.

💝 he attempts to attract & impress his love interests with his appearance, achievements, confidence & wit.

💝 he has a lot of lessons to learn in love related situations (since saturn rules capricorn).

💝 all cardinal venus signs tend to stop making efforts in their rxships once they get the person they were chasing, then either leave or complain about how boring things got.

💝 he is unforgettable. he will have people that will still love him & reminisce on memories with him even after many years.

💝 he likes old movies & songs.

💝 he can be very competitive.

💝 he’s the type to get money randomly from family.

Turn On’s & Off’s:

💝 he won’t commit to you unless he can take pride in you. he’s turned on by money & status. he wants a career focused & goal oriented rxship, with an ambitious & responsible partner. power couple building successful future together vybz. his ideal woman has a good occupation & social dignity, with high morals & self respect. show him you have goals & plans. be serious abt the rxship & your life. girl boss your way into it. demonstrate an interest in history, tradition, structure, family. he values & respects maturity, stability, consistently (even if he doesn’t possess these traits himself).

💝 he’s turned off by ditziness, irresponsibility & immaturity. he dislikes anyone with a bad reputation or low status. the worst thing you can do is have self control, act like a complete fool & embarrass him in public. not to mention, when he dislikes certain traits or behaviours in someone, he wont even mention it to them bc he’s too polite. instead he’ll avoid them in public & criticise them behind their back.

💝 a few other things he dislikes is: overwhelming him with too much emotion, asking him to explain things more than once. talking to him abt your ex, & trying to play games with him.

💝 he demands respect wherever he goes & he likes to feel in control. ensure to accept & support his rules & strict routine.

💝 he wants what he cant have & he desires romance that is unattainable to him. the tighter you hold him, the more likely he is to run away. he respects a self-preserved women with a reserved & cautious temperament.

💝 to impress him, dress simple, neat & classy bc saturn is the planet of discipline - french girl chic vibes or a woman in uniform vibes. wear boring colours (beige, balck, white).

💝 despite his reputation of being dry & serious asf, he actually enjoys being in the company of fiery individuals, esp if he doesn’t have much fire in his own chart. he’s particularly attracted to aries & leo energy bc he needs that extra boost of spontaneity & idgaf vybz. he loves someone that brings variety & wildness into his everyday life.

[cypionate60mg]

I just wanted to say I love what you’re doing omg… apologies if im totally missing the point by the way, I have only read some of ur responses to other asks and I’m not well read at all in the philosophy you talk about. Still I feel really seen by your posts or more accurately your posts feel exactly like my state of mind before committing to transitioning…. The repetitive and often kind of fleeting quality of the images you use reminds me of the obsessiveness I used to have over my (purposely unattainable) wishes of what I could be, the sort of wishes that don’t expect to be fulfilled unless pushed to the forefront by someone else, which the forcemasc does…. The captions are so raw and definitive that they feel half like someone else talking to me and half like my own repressed consciousness speaking what it can’t respectably say through someone else. most of the men being guys who I absolutely will not look like (I’m Asian and really short) adds to this because ur posts feel like the expression of an ideal fantasy, with all the caveats and problematic implications of creating an ideal fantasy of what being a man is based on your half-formed understanding of manhood through tv and the movies and whatnot… it rlly feels like trying to formulate an idea of what being a man would be like, without understanding or rlly comprehending the realities of life as the sort of man you will be. And in this way it’s like being on the precipice of taking the steps to actually realize the person you want to be, which you have some image of, but you really don’t know… the thing about transition (ime anyways) is that it highlights how who you are and who you want and what you value are all more intertwined and codeterminate than ppl think. I think many trans men eventually reach this point where they have to grapple with the question of what makes a man, anyways, besides a desire to be one? These posts feel like the state before unraveling any of that but you can see the strings so visibly there, waiting to be pulled on… Also one particular image you used a bit ago the one of the man and woman on the bicycle oh my god idk what it’s actually from but it felt so precisely like something I’d see while closeted and fixate on for weeks and weeks, creating a whole new image of it in my mind as a symbol of what could ideally be, stripping it of what it actually was while making it something more. Also your blog has felt very validating to me in my desire to turn away from wanting to be pretty, even as a man, which I feel is a box transmascs often get placed in against our will. Sorry this became an essay …. All of this is to say that I really appreciate your work and I’m excited to see where u go with it next !

Miss the point? I'd say quite the opposite. And no philosophy primer needed. If I were to go through, line by line, and find quotes of yours that I found incredibly salient and accurate to my own feelings, then I'd probably be copy-pasting your entire message. Very well-said.

There's also something to be said about being Asian and transmasculine. How it is burdened with uniquely specific assumptions about motivations for transition and rampant intracommunity fetishization. I try not to let it overwhelm me. Biting my tongue for now, but I have a lot to say about this. It's part of why I am painfully careful about whose photos I use, and with what text.

I'm relieved that you are able to pick out the intentional shortcomings of this project. The images show us fantasies of masculinity, and the captions do represent (to some degree) the frustration and neediness that comes from wanting to attain those ideals. They're that "repressed consciousness speaking what it can't respectably say", and I am that "someone else" for you, the viewer. I'll always be here to remind you that you should do it, you should chase after it anyway, because pursuing the impossible still changes you in a very real, palpable way.

"If you can't do it good, do it hard."

Thanks, anon. I hope I hear from you again.

Much love, CYP60MG

P.S. That movie is Rebels of the Neon God by Ming-liang Tsai. You should watch it.

[evanfixes]

Buck learned real, important, unconditional parental love from Bobby, whose primary love language is cooking. He came into his own amidst the smell of bay leaves and oregano, unattainable lasagna.

Eddie is Latino, and I can verify that culturally, food is definitely love—besides which, he lived so much of his young/adult life on shitty military meals. Far from all that culturally unique home cooking (love).

Buck is almost constantly cooking for Eddie & Christopher on screen; at this point, the wildly escalating fandom joke about Eddie's inability to make food is canon. Which is funny because he's also been unable to make love work too, first chasing after a half-remembered ideal and then the ghost of a woman he is unable to remember objectively. And it's funny too that Buck is the one always feeding Eddie (and Chris). At the end of the day, nuns and ghosts aside, Buck will be there to give Eddie the love and support he needs.

Buck messes up his lasagna a lot. He kind of fumbles around, trying to perfect it, and he feels like he can do that with Eddie and Christopher. He feels safe to mess up (why wouldn't he, after the tsunami, the lawsuit...) so he does. He laughs when the lasagna burns because Eddie already planned on pizza, and that's okay because it doesn't matter anyway. Buck attempts to demonstrate the love he's come to respect, that he admires in Bobby, that he desperately missed himself as a child, and Eddie is happy to let him—even when it burns a little.

What I'm saying is that regardless of where this show goes, Buck and Eddie feed a hunger in each other that's too vulnerable, too private for anyone else to even be allowed to know about. So even if we aren't given romance, what is more true of a love than feeding a heart that's hungry in some way only you can see and fulfill?

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

idk im glad they didn't give us any actual details about caleb and evelyn beyond belos's memories and like. fifty-sixth-hand information from masha's story so audience members not paying attention would at least know who they are.

whatever nitty gritty details the audience comes up with on their own for what happened to these two would be infinitely more satisfying to them than what the show would have been able to depict in a flashback. especially working within what's appropriate for children's television.

caleb the person isn't important to the story anymore. the MEMORY of caleb, which belos has never let himself get over in 400 years, is the important thing. and you don't need to know much about caleb for that to work. and while i loved the parallels between the wittebanes and hunter and luz, as well as the clawthornes being a descendent of evelyn, i'm glad they never confirmed it, and it remains situational irony purely for the audience.

hunter's only connection with caleb is his DNA, which also ties back to belos's feelings. him befriending luz is something they did of their own volition. it's not because hunter is fated to play out every beat of caleb's life by virtue of being his clone. similarly, while i love a good hunter clawthorne, dell taking hunter as an apprentice and eda showing care towards him in s2 are because eda is kind to children and hunter independently had passion for palisman carving. it's not because they found out they were related, because the whole show is about found family.

having flashbacks to the real caleb and evelyn wouldn't have contributed anything to the story aside from fanservice. what matters is how belos feels about them. belos's ego and the desperation to be acknowledged by his puritan community and God aside, the idea of caleb haunts his every action. not the actual ghost of caleb-i've already discussed here why the idea of caleb's ghost literally haunting belos would be a poor writing decision. belos knew the person his brother actually was, killed him, and imagined a perfect version of him that he chased after for the next 350 years.

the tragedy is that the perfect version of caleb is unattainable, and now belos can never get the real caleb back. he refuses to acknowledge that caleb may have been flawed before the influence of evelyn. to phillip, everything he thinks is wrong about caleb is because he was corrupted by the boiling isles, and that's part of the reason he starts on a quest to kill all the witches. it's also why he makes so many grimwalkers. he desperately misses that ideal version of caleb, so he makes copies of caleb and plays family with them.

and belos loathes the grimwalkers. he kills them because he hates the magic they were made with. because he hates being reminded of his brother and what happened to him. and of course, he hates the grimwalkers for not meeting his expectations of what his "ideal" caleb would have been like. it's a fluid expectation that belos, subconsciously or not, changes as he goes, all in order to take out his anger on innocent children. he seems to recognize his enjoyment of harming the grimwalkers, though it's unknown if he understands the reason-which is that the "perfect" caleb will never exist, and likely never did. phillip's brother is gone forever, and it's all his fault.

and idk maybe in the writers minds caleb was a perfect brother and baby phillip was just a possessive little shit. or maybe it's the opposite and caleb messed up a lot in communicating with phillip on his relationship with evelyn. maybe evelyn was a perfectly nice girl who was perfectly supportive of caleb and phillip's choices or maybe she hated phillip and the other humans and did convince caleb to leave it all behind. it's a fascinating piece of backstory and i love seeing fanworks that talk about it! but anything more about caleb and evelyn that the creators add in canon would give actual context to their situation that we don't need! their story has been over for 350 years and dont affect any of the other characters beyond how it affects phillip!

nothing more about these two can be said that will contribute more to belos's character that isn't already conveyed with the barebones material we got in the show. this story isn't about "forbidden love," this is about how phillip was confronted with the fact that his brother found happiness outside of him, and that someone he's been taught since childhood to hate may not be all bad. it's about how he plugged his fingers in his ears in response to this and went on a 350 year long killing spree to prove to himself that he can never be in the wrong.

basically, i wouldn't go so far as to call caleb and evelyn's backstory "purposefully unexplained," but i definitely think the story is a lot stronger as it is than it would be if they did explain it all. not every detail of a story needs to have a word of god answer as to how it all went down. sometimes adding in unnecessary detail for completionism's sake just distracts from the point you're actually trying to convey. while there are a lot of things that i wished the show could have explored in more detail had it not been shortened, caleb and evelyn's story is not one of them.

[limeinaltime]

Lift up the receiver, he'll make you a believer (or a mistress)

CW: Child abuse

- The first Project, built in X’s image by the company when X wasn’t what they wanted. Previously an Administrator, becomes Head Administrator later. The oldest Project.

- Adam is everything the company wanted X to become: cold, ruthless, apathetic and bloodthirsty. His presence sends shivers up spines and hangs like a shadow over the flock even in his absence, and he lives up to the role of Murder Drone very well. His ambitions outweigh all, and his loyalty to his creator is sadly outweighed by his loyalty to the company, and he is not above hurting others to get what he wants, even his own family. He looks down on those he considers below him or weaker, and has no respect for those under his command. He also has an interest in “collecting” all the pretty young things within the flock, whether they like it or not. His power and influence usually brings them in, but those who are smart enough to refuse, well… good luck to them.

- In terms of offense, Adam has the ability to create hard light chains strong enough to snap bones and crush bodies, and commonly uses his energy as whips or to charge his claws and fangs for devastating blows. He also has the power to “monochrome” other drones, ripping out their essences and leaving only their directive, loyalty and obedience to a higher up behind. It’s how he keeps the more… rebellious members of the flock in line, and depending on how little he does it, it can also alter preexisting personalities and memories. - His red energy is cold and painful, ideal for interrogations and torture of both humans and Projects, delivering devastating and painful shocks that can leave permanent damage if nanites or biological tissue are exposed to it long enough.

- In the past, Adam was used as a hit-man by the company, and while he could never be X, he was very much a threat, stalking his targets for days, even weeks, before making his move. 

- As a kid and teen, Adam had a massive rivalry with two other drones, Project Alpha (@edibletrees2​) who was also built in X’s image, and India, who had a lot more power and strength than him. Adam wanted to make her his, and years later, when India mysteriously reappeared after years of absence, the company handed her over as an assigned life partner. He has no love for her and secretly relishes in the control he now holds over her, and has cheated on her frequently with a small group of mistresses he has.

- Adam’s closest friend and fellow menace is Project Eve, and the two are like Bonnie and Clyde, often seen together from the moment they met as kids. They used to run their own gang of bullies together, and while they aren’t in love, Adam’s feelings about Eve don’t exactly stop at a shallow attraction to her youthful looks and cutthroat fem fatale personality.

- He has no love for his children, and mostly takes it out on Hotel, who he views as weak yet fears will overthrow or surpass him, a pathetic, weak disappointment Adam is obligated to whip, beat and scare into an at least passable heir, and the same treatment went for 7, who he looked down upon even more due to her merely being an assigned ward, not a member of his “family”. He doesn’t think much of his daughter Iota, often turning a blind eye to most of her rebellious behavior but not above “putting her in her place”, and with Omega, he usually either pretends he doesn’t exist or treats him just as harshly as his other son. It’s rumored by the other flock members that he enjoys this cruel and often unjustified treatment, and whether or not this is true remains a mystery.

- After being exiled by X for his cruelty and lack of willingness to work with the flock, Adam agreed to help R take down X, but isn’t afraid to remind her that she only won because X was at her weakest, and that in any other situation, he would’ve left her to chase her unattainable dream. Deep down, X might be the only drone in existence who can scare Adam, and part of him both loathes her existence and holds a fearful reverence for the drone he was built in the image of but can never seem to surpass despite his best efforts. He tried to make X a mistress once and got kicked into a wall.

[benevadeca]

Anyway unoriginal thoughts abt nope but like. The theme of gaze and how it's almost compulsive. Our eyes are drawn to movement, lights and color and spectacle. And at the same time we're sensitive to being seen, both positively and negatively:

OJ's aversion to eye contact except when it's with his sister- "I see you" being a positive affirmation and the animals all taking eye contact to equal hostility.

angel watching them over the cams ("that's illegal") but letting them know about it because he was genuinely concerned about them when the camera went out, the motorcycle guy being completely covered up with his reflective helmet but filming emerald without her consent ("what, you don't wanna be on tv?")

And ofc the themes of I guess, obsession. Antler and his willingness to sacrifice himself (and the people around him and all they sacrificed for the footage they got) for the sake of some ideal of "art" which really plays into I think the aura and mystique it's given. Him and Jupe both warped permanently by their experiences and because of that chasing after unattainable ideals based on their own self obsessed ideas on how the world works and both of them putting the people around them in harms way because of it.

So all that to say like. Not just gaze but the reciprocation of it is a theme? Not just the reciprocation itself but the hope for it.

Because juke while doing all that still had his moments. Feeling guilty over their horses (letting them take the statue and inviting them which. I mean that 2nd thing is so poorly thot out lol but i dont think it was done w any intentional malice. Guy with issues), inviting his old cohost to the show, making a special mention to his family for making it all possible for him to be there. For their support and the recognition that without them he wouldn't be there. He had more tangible connections compared w Antler who was a much more minor character.

But his flaw as a character was instead of reciprocating meaningfully, the way OJ and Em do as family or OJ with his horses or even angel with his surprising willingness to be vulnerable and genuine (even if it's unasked for like talking abt his ex lol, but also with opening his home to them). He goes and chases this idea of being Chosen by something Greater. He believes he was saved because Gordy recognized him, that basic instinct to believe that even wild animals and forces of nature and uncontrollable horrible moments have some kind of meaning. That they at their core are merciful, are kind, are capable of understanding and recognition. Of Seeing you the way you see (project) and feel you understand (anthropomorphize) them.

So OJ who for all he loves his animals, remains grounded in the understanding that they are just that. And he doesn't ask for them to reciprocate the way Juke tries to, who tries to encroach on their boundaries and force them to make eye contact (which also. oj who understands bc bc he also appreciates when people respect and do the same to him. Autistic cowboy king).

Emerald who chases after aliens initially but is the one who's first deterred bc she recognizes that shit is fucked! And she is not going to fuck around with something so obviously out of her league. For all that she is our moving the plot forward action queen she is also kinda solidly the voice of reason lol.

And ofc jean jacket who represents kinda The Gaze itself. It is wild it is an animal and violent and all are prey in its eyes. It is invisible and pervasive and will never, ever look back at you in a meaningful way. It is consumptive and indifferent and looming and claustrophobic and it does not stop even after the act itself. It is a force of nature and it has been with us since the dawn of time it is what makes you holy and repulsive and into a thing unrecognizable to even yourself

[griefbuilt]

𝐣𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐲 𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭  ~   𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥  𝐯𝐢𝐛𝐞𝐬

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME.  jeremy  grayson  gilbert

NICKNAME.  jer  ,  jerbear,   j  (  vicki  )  ,  baby  /  little  gilbert  (  damon  &  katherine  )  ,  bear  ( exclusively  tyler  lockwood  )

GENDER.  cismale  

HEIGHT.  6′3  (   he  grew  out  of  sheer  spite  )

AGE.  19  (  as  of  october  13th  )  

ZODIAC.   libra  

SPOKEN LANGUAGES.   english  ,  some  spanish  

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.  dark  brown

EYE COLOR.  hazel

SKIN TONE. tanned  ;  freckled

BODY TYPE.   athletic  ;  mesomorph  (  lean  as  a  teenager  ,  built  as  an  adult  )  

VOICE.  deep

DOMINANT HAND.  left

SCARS.  nicks,  scratches,  cuts,  &  burns  littering  his  hands  and  arms  ,  bullet  wound  on  chest  from  liz  forbes  ,  stab  wound  on  shoulder  from  silas  ,  relatively  mottled  skin  on  neck  from  bite  marks  /  tearing  that  wasn’t  properly  healed  ,  a  long  scar  down  his  left  calf  from  a  failed  attempt  at  jumping  a  fence  as  a  child  ,  faint  appendicitis  scar  (  by  thirty  he’s  covered  from  head  to  toe  )  

TATTOOS.  a  shitty  stick  n  poke  cross  on  his  middle  finger  (  age  14  ;  shortly  after  miranda  and  grayson  died  ------  gotten  while  high  on  some  wannabe  artist’s  couch.  it  was  a  miracle  it  didn’t  get  infected  )  ,  circle  of  thorns  around  right  wrist  (  age  18  ;  impulsive  decision  after  the  barrier  went  up  )  ,    ‘ you  killed  me  first,  ‘  across  collarbones  (  very  recent  ;  19th  birthday  present  to  himself  )  ,   (  starts  getting  significantly  more  in  his  twenties  and  thirties  )  

PIERCINGS.   tongue  stud  &  pierced  right  earlobe  (  both  done  at  14  -----  once  again  a  miracle  nothing  got  infected.  probably  because  jenna  put  the  fear  of  god  into  him  ;  gets  a  nose  ring  in  his  late  twenties  )  

BIRTHMARKS.   two  small  moles  under  left  eye  ;   moles  smattering  his  back

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   height ,  scars

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

HOMETOWN.  mystic  falls,  virgina

SIBLINGS.   elena  gilbert  (  damon  salvatore  ,  future  brother-in-law  )  

PARENTS.  grayson  gilbert  &  miranda  gilbert  nee  sommers   (  legal  guardians  include:  jenna  sommers  ,  alaric  saltzman  ,  damon  salvatore  )  

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.  hunter  ;  rancher  (  after  the  barrier  )  

CURRENT RESIDENCE.  mckinley,  virginia  

CLOSE FRIENDS.  caroline  forbes  ,  andrea  mikaelson  ,  matt  donovan  ,  noelle  bennett  ,  bonnie  bennett

RELATIONSHIP STATUS.  involved  ------  rebekah  mikaelson  &  tyler  lockwood  (  married  to  nadia  petrova  in  2064  )

FINANCIAL STATUS.  debatably  wealthy  (  relies  entirely  on  what  he  siphons  off  the  salvatore  brothers  /  tyler  lockwood  )  

DRIVER’S LICENSE.  yes

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.  biromantic  bisexual  (  sex  and  romance  favorable  )  

PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.  protective  /  caretaking  ;  generally  passive  -----  tends  to  put  the  wellbeing  /  happiness  of  his  partner(s)  above  his  own

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.  switch ----  generally  based  on  his  /  his  partner(s) ‘  moods  ;  adventurous  

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  falls  fast  and  hard  ;  tends  to  get  involved  in  relationships  that  have  ended  before  they’ve  begun  ;  chases  the  unattainable  ;  goes  for  more  dominant/aggressive  personalities  ;  would  do  most  anything  for  love  (  or  perceived  love  )  ;  never  really  falls  out  of  love  ;  idealizes  partner(s)  ;  craves  attention  /  validation  but  fears  asking  ;  protective  /  defensive  of  partner(s)  ;  can  get  clingy  ;  devoted  listener  ;  number  one  advocate  for  partner(s)  ;  can  get  jealous  ;  supportive  ;  likes  a  certain  amount  of  possessiveness  ;  reliable  ;  prone  to  random  acts  of  kindness  ;  remembers  dates  ; relationships  tend  to  end  with  death

LIBIDO. generally  high  ;  can  turn  hypersexual  /  disinterested  depending  on  mental  state

TURN ON’S. strength  ,  passion  ,  daring,    honesty,   loyalty  ,  drive  ,  biting

TURN OFF’S. dogmatic  ,  disloyal  ,  unreliable  ,  naïve  ,  childish  ,  distant  

LOVE LANGUAGE.  tends  towards  giving  quality  time  /  acts  of  service  /  touch  ;  likes  receiving  touch  /  quality  time  /    words  of  affirmation  

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONGS.  damn  these  vampires  by  the  mountain  goats  /  broadripple  is  burning by  margot  &  the  nuclear  so  and  so’s  /  sorrow  by  the  national  /  the  curse  of  the  blackened  eye  by  orville  peck  / pursuit  of  happiness  by  lissie  /  drunk  drivers/killer  whales by  car  seat  headrest  / i’ll  die  anyway  by  girl  in  red  /  the  freshman by  the  verve  pipe  /  body  terror  song by  ajj  /  the  funeral by  band  of  horses  

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.  getting  high  ,  sketching  ,  video  games  ,  boxing  /  kickboxing  ,  running  ,  reading  ,  listening  to  music  ,  drinking  ,  painting  ,  researching  (  occult  )  ,  clubbing  ,  target  practice  (  guns  ,  arrows  ,  axes  ,  knives  )  ,   sex  ,  horror  movies ,  concerts  ,  fighting  ,  getting  dragged  shopping  by  caroline  ,  true  crime  ,  gambling  ,  killing  and  being  killed  ,  being  held  hostage

MENTAL ILLNESSES.  bipolar  disorder  ,  ptsd  ,  substance  abuse  ,  depersonalization  ,  panic  attacks  ,  suicidal  ideation  ,  self-harm  

PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.  frequent  migraines  (  illnesses  get  worse  with  age  -----  hunting  leaves  him  with  chronic  pain  from  broken  bones  that  weren’t  properly  healed  ;  unchecked  traumatic  brain  injuries  causing  memory  issues  ,  neuralgic  pain  ,  light  sensitivity  ,  attention  problems  ,  etc.  ;  nerve  damage  in  hands  causing  numbness,  and  more  )  

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.  fluctuates  ;  generally  tends  towards  low  self-esteem  with  a  cocky  /  apathetic  veneer  ;  confident  in  his  use  as  a  weapon  /  hunter  more  than  most  other  things

[drrobertpuffphd]

How to Stop Suffering and Be Happy

Our inherent human capacity for dreaming and aspiration is a double-edged sword. While it fuels our drive for progress and self-improvement, it also serves as a constant reminder of the gap between our imagined ideals and the realities we face. This dissonance between our aspirations and our lived experiences is a fertile ground for suffering. We become acutely aware of our shortcomings, our missed opportunities, and the stark contrast between the life we envision and the one we inhabit.

The path to genuine happiness lies not in chasing after elusive desires, but in cultivating preferences that align with our actual experiences. Instead of relentlessly pursuing an unattainable perfection, we can embrace the beauty and imperfections of our present reality. We can find contentment in the simple joys of life, in the connections we forge with others, and in the pursuit of meaningful endeavors that enrich our existence.

This shift in perspective requires a conscious effort to detach from the relentless pursuit of idealized desires. It demands a willingness to accept the fullness of our lives, both the triumphs and the tribulations. By cultivating preferences grounded in reality, we can transform our suffering into a source of strength and resilience. We can learn to appreciate the present moment, find fulfillment in the here and now, and forge a path towards a more authentic and fulfilling existence.

New Happiness Podcast episode with Dr. Robert Puff, Newport Beach Psychologist

Podcast link: https://www.happinesspodcast.org/how-to-stop-suffering-and-be-happy/

 #howtostopsufferingandbehappy #happiness #happinesspodcast #howtobehappy #happy #happinessisachoice  #happinessisaninsidejob #enlightenment #drrobertpuff #stressmanagement #findyourhappiness #becomehappy  #happinesscomesfromwithin #happinessiswhereyouare #happinessisbeautiful #HappinessYouDeserve #happinessallaroundme #happinessjourney #createyourhappiness #happyyou #pursuityourhappiness #clinicalpsychologist #drrobertpuff #happinesscomesfromwithin #HappinessPodcast #newportbeachpsychologist

[fitnesswithaj]

The Impact of Social Media on Women’s Perception of Beauty (and Cosmetic Surgery!)

This week, we are diving deeper into the world of beauty and cosmetic surgery! Yes, I’ve said it! Cosmetic Surgery! Continuing my discussion on how difficult it is to navigate through social media and find ourselves at a crossroads between self-acceptance and the constant pursuit of unattainable beauty standards –a recent study conducted by the University of South Australia surveyed 238 Australian women on their willingness to consider cosmetic surgery in the future.

And guess what? Over half of these women (aged 18-29) are on board with going under the knife, and 16% have already undergone some form of cosmetic procedure. These statistics underline the undeniable connection between the use of social media and self-comparison. As we all know, social media platforms like Instagram and TikTok are prevalent with content of “ideal” bodies, which is often achieved through filters, editing, and sometimes leading to extreme fitness regimes, right? In a way, this shows that outside of our fitness community, women are also pressured to change their bodies through a different approach.

Okay, let’s dissect this together!

Dr. John Mingoia, a researcher involved in the study, points out that even after cosmetic procedures, less than 40% of women are satisfied with their post-surgery bodies. This statistic speaks volumes about the temporary nature of cosmetic transformations and the importance of addressing self-comparison issues. And for those of us on our fitness journeys, it’s crucial to emphasise that pursuing self-love and acceptance should be a priority over the relentless chase for a specific body type. The article highlights that over-identifying personal attributes that are considered unattractive can lead to negative self-perception. Essentially, the MORE we focus on our flaws and self-criticism, the FURTHER we drift from self-love and compassion!

Back to social media, Dr. John Mingoia also mentions that these platforms provide a space to publish and converse in discussions or messages that challenge harmful beauty standards. Let’s consider how fitness influencers on Instagram contribute to these beauty standards. Many of these influencers post their fitness journeys and bodies, which can inspire or demoralize their followers. As I’ve mentioned before, most of them edit their content in a way that is acceptable for Instagram’s beauty standard. At the end of the day, all these self-comparisons can take a toll on our well-being (reading a post that hits home is tiring by itself!). The relationship we have with ourselves is at the core of our fitness journeys’ progress. When we constantly compare ourselves and believe that we don’t measure up to the “ideal” standards on social media, it’s natural to start doubting our own progress and self-worth.

So what can we do now?

Well, my advice is to teach yourself how to maintain a positive mindset! You can start by practicing self-compassion. To me, self-compassion involves treating my body and mind with kindness and understanding, even when I don’t see the immediate results I want from hitting the gym five days a week! I understand how difficult it is to embrace our flaws, but treating it like some kind of disease that needs to be cured is not a way to approach this either. It took me a while to fully accept myself, and I have days where I don’t love my body as much! Being grateful that you have this powerful machine that you call your mind and body that can endure the heavy sets at the gym, is definitely a start.

Another tip I would do is setting realistic goals that are tailored to my body’s abilities and needs. If I know I can get my body to hip thrust 50kgs, I will set up a 55 or 60-kg goal for the next two weeks and see how my progress goes! Unrealistic goals often lead to frustration and self-criticism. Setting up smaller goals can build our confidence and track our progress more effectively!

Anyway, I hope this post finds you well! Sending all my love and positivity to you all <3 

Catch you later xx

[thankyoueros]

into the void!

My father,(redacted), had been in contact with you regarding my interest in your residential (redacted) program. I would like to advocate for myself at this time since I'm not sure if he is accurately describing my symptoms and my needs. The roadblock here is the Covid-19 vaccination which my parents are against me receiving. For probably a month now they have been telling me it will "get lifted" but I doubt that given that this is a group living environment. I would greatly appreciate getting some more information. Besides that main issue I am sure that your program is the perfect fit for me. I so badly want to get better and have an easier day-to-day life. My symptoms are getting much more complicated as time passes, given my sense of urgency. OCD wise I have a daily ritual of pacing and music repetition which is one of the largest pieces of this puzzle. I struggle with routines since I can so easily get sucked into an episode. For example, simply brushing my teeth can turn into a 2 hour long ordeal, involving everything from washing my hair to painting my nails in the middle of the night. As you can imagine these issues are taking up so much of my time, and it feels as if my life is not mine anymore. My OCD revolves around perfection and I am constantly chasing after an ideal version of myself which is unattainable- this is causing me to lose my sense of self and has led to feelings of self hatred and urges to self-harm. On top of this I have general anxiety and depression. My therapist and I have also suspected bipolar or BPD. I am currently working with a therapist and psychologist weekly but it is not enough to help me. Insurance wise my family uses (redacted). I know that is a truckload of info for my first email but I want to be as thorough and efficient as possible. My cell is (redacted) if you need a number to call. Thank you.

[dolliedarlin]

tokyo revengers | souya k. ⏤00:38

not proofread ; please excuse any spelling/grammatical mistakes

souya kawata x shamelessly flirty reader

The moment you saw Souya Kawata for the first time, you were instantly head over heels. It didn’t matter to you that his hair appeared like an unruly cloud of blue cotton candy; it didn’t matter to you that he wore an intimidating scowl; it didn’t matter to you that he had a twin harboring an opposing aesthetic to him despite sharing the same cute face; it didn’t matter to you that he was a delinquent, the second you caught sight of him, you were in love and that meant you loved everything there was that embodied him. Truthfully, your ambitions were sometimes too much when it came to pursuing him.

Your first interaction will never be forgotten.

“Please be my boyfriend!” you shamelessly came up to him with lovestruck eyes and a dopey grin, you were the picture of lovesick and it was an entirely new thing to the blue-haired twin, hence his lack of a response. However, being an observant person, especially concerning the object of your affections, you mentally noted all the minute details as you leaned closer and closer, his own face steering further and further back simultaneously. At every diminutive change to his face, you took a picture and imprinted it to store within the back of your mind for future reference. When his ears flushed pink; when his eyes darted around nervously; when he subtly bit his bottom lip and when a bead of sweat slid down his right cheek, you took a mental picture each time. Not only was he the picture of your ideal type, he was adorably precious too - he couldn’t have been any more perfect! You just had to make him your and become his in return.

“...I don’t know you,”

“We can get to know each other now!” you persist, smiling widely and pretending not to notice when he sent a look of hopelessness towards his twin. His plea for help was not satisfied however, as his brother snickered in return.

“Give her a chance, bro, she seems to really like you~” the peach-haired twin teases, “I’ll tell Mikey you had other things to do today,”

“D-don’t leave me!”

And the rest was history. You feel quite guilty for being so forceful after knowing what you do now but having Souya be so kind and meek towards you despite his constantly irate expression had a dark, faint feeling of cruelty bubble up deep within you. It was something you didn’t know about yourself until you met Souya but you took full advantage of it by teasing him whenever you could.

You’ve asked him to be your boyfriend multiple times now and the answer has always been a resounding-

“No,” everyone can practically hear the shattering of your heart every time but brush off their sympathy when you’re quick to recover and return to your teasing ways. The interactions between the two of you were annoying at first but over time, the captains and their vices have come to find enjoyment in it, especially Mikey, Baji and Nahoya, who would even provoke an interaction if they wanted to.

On the outside it could easily be misconstrued as a hopelessly lovesick girl chasing after her unattainable crush but anyone with eyes could see the chemistry and sincere affection the two of you had for one another.

Souya would always look at you with softened eyes filled with fondness, the creases in his brows easing up just at the sound of your tinkling voice. And while you were very playful, the acts of deep devotion you would display solely for Souya were evident. If it weren’t for either of your fatal flaws, the gang could bet that the two of you would have gotten together already and that was that Souya was too subtle - to the point that you thought he was just being his usual polite self with you to protect your feelings - whilst you were too expressive - to the point of Souya believing that you were only keeping up with your playful nature.

It was frustrating but endearing and they dare not intervene on such a pure and innocent display. They only wish you two would hurry it up a bit.

“Be bold, (Y/N)-chan,” Emma cheers you on as Hina nods along beside her. Both of their hands clenched into fists, as if they couldn’t express their sentiment to you through anything else. You crack a smile but your shoulders remain hunched over with a verb that you deeply dislike… defeat.

“Aren’t I being bold enough already?” you almost want to cry when flashes of your beloved blue-haired kawata twin plays behind your closed lids, “I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked him to be my boyfriend,”

The silence that follows your exasperated exclamation seems to tie off your defeat in a pretty pink bow ready to be thrown into a bottomless pit of despair until Hina’s voice shines through like a strike of lightning across an ebony sky.

“Then it’s time to take it to the next step…”

“You don’t mean…“ your shaky voice almost makes the two girls before you grin.

Emma nods enthusiastically, eyes sparkling with a newfound elation, “That’s right, (Y/N)-chan! You need to k-”

“I can’t!” you protest.

“Why not?” Emma huffs, hands on her hips and a pout on her lips. Her, somewhat, domineering stance makes you look away, unable to face the reality they were trying to force onto you.

“Just cause!-” you attempt to scurry away from the two but it’s useless, “Why don’t I just try to make him jealous?! That’s a good plan, right?”

“RIght but you‘ve already tried that, remember?” Hina reminds you when, no, you don’t want to remember that at all. It was disastrous and you almost lost your Souya!

“M-maybe I should-”

“Admit it, (Y/N)-chan!” Emma’s booming voice shakes the chills up your spine, “This is your last resort!” she looms over you with a mischievous grin, “Time to get creative~”

The plan of action was set for today and it was all going well. Everyone was having a fun time, Hina and Emma holding hands with Takemichi and Draken respectively as all other captains and vice captains continued to enjoy the sunny day with them. Of course, you and Souya were the first to begin holding hands and the two other couples soon followed, having to endure the teasing jabs directed towards them in order to do so.

It’s true that the plan for kissing Souya was meant for the group date today but how could that happen when you were having so much fun with him and everyone else? The unwavering grin on your face was a visual representation of your enjoyment and unbeknownst to you was the reason for Souya’s more relaxed expression and way of riding around with his motorcycle with you, obviously, sitting behind him.

“I’m so glad I got a large,” you gush over your bubble tea, it was a new seasonal flavor that was becoming very trendy and you just had to have a taste. One thing’s for sure, it’s definitely worth the hype.

“It’s that good?” Souya wonders aloud beside you on the park bench, the others either mucking about or relaxing on the grass before you two with their own snack or drink.

“You bet!” you grin up at him, “Want a taste?” It was an innocent question that had an innocent answer.

“If you don’t mind,” Souya says, always so polite and making your heart soar as you nod and lift up the straw for him to drink from.

‘An indirect kiss! Score!’ you cheer to yourself, watching as the bluenette’s gaze focuses on the straw and his lips pucker for a sip. In that moment, you don’t know what came over you but as Souya gradually leaned further in for a curious sip, you also were gradually pulling your drink further and further back until his face was closer to you than originally intended. And just when your eyes connect with his own sweet blue ones, yours closes and you lean up to share a tender kiss.

The world stops around you as Souya reciprocates for a short moment that seems to last forever and could have lasted forever if it weren’t for the gasps of surprise and cheers of encouragement that chorused in the air around you.

Pulling away, both of your faces were fixed in a besotted stupor.

“Soft…” Souya whispers, catching your attention and your heartbeat stutters in your ears, “and sweet,”

He licks his lips absentmindedly and you-

“Please marry me!”

bonus ;

“She totally skipped multiple stages just then!” Nagoya laughs hysterically, slapping his knee as he savours the sweet moment unfolding before him between his twin and future sister-in-law.

“Yes! Well done (Y/N)-chan!” Hina and Emma cheer, sharing a high-five and almost jumping around in excitement.

“They really should just get together already,” Mitsuya grins with a shake of his head.

“Bold…so bold…” Hakkai mutters from beside the lavender haired boy, his expression showcasing horror and shock.

“Ever wish that was you, bud?” Baji muses, nudging at Chifuyu as Kazutora snickers at the jab.

“You don’t need to ask such an obvious question Baji~” Kazutora teases, “with all the shojo manga he reads, it's obvious he’s craving some sappy romance~”

“SHUT IT!” Chifuyu snaps, face turning redder than a strawberry.

“They really took their time, huh kenchin?” Mikey muses with his ice cream cone.

“Best to leave them to it though, Mikey,”

“At least (Y/N)-chin has more guts than you in romance so I’m sure it won’t take too long now,”

“...”

“HEY! MY ICE CREAM!”

navi.

thoughts? ; i couldn't sleep without writing this out ; it's just too cute! ; i love angry so much

[yuzukult]

dissonance (teaser) || jjk & reader

title: dissonance pairing: jeon jungkook x reader genre: angst, eventual smut (but teaser is smut free baby), fluff, rockstar!jungkook, gradstudent!reader teaser wc: 1,277 | full fic wc: tbd summary: something that first seems out of reach becomes a reality for him. screaming adoring fans, billboards with him and his band plastered on it, and touring across the globe with venues sold out. he has everything... but all he's missing is you. a/n: back at it again !! i honestly didn't think i'd come back with another jungkook fic but... i've always written series' for him so maybe this time lets dabble in a one-shot. :) enjoy this little teaser!

He loves it here. It’s his dream to be here, on the stage, with the feeling of the music rumbling underneath the soles of his chunky boots, the sea of fans screaming and hollering out his name with his self-produced songs booming through the speakers of the venue while his band stands by his side, just as passionate for this as he is.

It’s his dream; he reiterates this constantly as a reminder that this isn’t something everyone gets the chance to breathe the opportunity of. He’s been manifesting this scenario his entire life, wishing and praying to the potential Gods to help make his aspirations become a reality. He’d work his ass off to make ends meet, be able to afford the necessities all while chasing this goal that many claimed to be unrealistic or unattainable. But he’s here right now, supporters that flood the building to the brim for a concert that’s been sold out in thirty cities so far. He has everything he could ever want. Girls, money, music…

But why does he feel… like there’s something missing?

Another pair of panties gets thrown at the toes of his boots—it’s probably the sixth one that night but he’s grown used to this already. In some performances, girls would throw themselves at his feet instead of undergarments, yelling at the top of their lungs so ferociously that the security guards had to hold them back in fear of what they’re capable of. And sure, if he really wanted to, he could ask them out or invite them back to his hotel room for a quick bang, and it was what he’d been doing for the first couple years, and maybe they’ll make him feel a little less like this.

Albeit it doesn’t quite hit the same way anymore.

He’s left with this feeling of emptiness when he says his goodbyes and shuts the door behind them; there’s a gap in his chest like he’s forgotten something, yearning for it to be filled but those girls aren’t the ones to do it. His dreams used to be able to—but what are accomplished dreams when you have no one to share it with?

His friends/band mates are great, supportive and understanding, he’s admitted that he’s gotten lucky in that department, but part of him believes that it’s not friendship he’s lacking.

It’s love.

It sounds sappy to the ears of strangers, especially because ideally, you’re not supposed to depend on love to have that stuffing to the brim emotions in your chest, to feel complete and whole because a pretty person fell for you and vice versa. But to Jungkook, being in love had been something he thought he could toss under the rug for another day when he’d given up the girl he’d be infatuated with for this unobtainable aspiration, yet instead, he finds himself back in the same spot years later. Missing it.

He loved the chase—he’s a hopeless romantic kind of guy. After all, how would all of his songs be so full of raw emotions like that? It’s because Jungkook lives it—or well, lived it because everything he knew about love had been left on a shelf to collect dust. And he’d try to convince himself that he didn’t need someone, but he’d grown… lonely.

And quite frankly, finding someone genuine has proven to be difficult.

Don’t mention Tinder, Jungkook has already tried that. It promptly made headlines the moment he logged into that app with a selfie he’s never used before, and still then people actually thought he was catfishing, and wasn’t the real Jeon Jungkook. He should’ve known. But in all fairness, Jungkook isn’t much of a ‘future thinker.’

Then there was trying to date a staff member—worse idea yet. That noona ended up pissed at him when he realized that this isn’t what he wanted (he’d learn she was quite the control freak) and she flipped shit to the point that his managers fired her on the spot then informed the security that she was on the “do-not-enter” list.

After that, Jungkook just thought maybe he was going about this wrong.

Maybe, women weren’t actually of his interest.

Possibly, he was into men.

So, he tried. He ventured out a little, got a little taste here and there. Jungkook even found someone who fit him perfectly. His name? Kim Hyunwoo.

It worked out for a little, Jungkook admits, because Hyunwoo was overall a great boyfriend. He looked out for Jungkook, treated him well and they shared the same interests overall.

But… that was the problem.

They got along very well. As if they were best friends.

He found himself getting a bit uncomfortable when things got a little too serious—don’t get him wrong though, he honestly wasn’t embarrassed to be dating a guy. Hyunwoo was the definition of a model; handsome, tall with these sharp facial features. He’d been stopped and recruited several times during their dates, and truthfully, it made Jungkook feel a little awkward. He was the celebrity here, yet standing beside Hyunwoo only makes him feel small.

And in all honesty, he shouldn’t feel this way about the success of his significant other. But it wasn’t even just that. He found himself unable to pass first base with the guy—something about the action itself made him feel… discomfort. But he’s attracted to Hyunwoo. So why can’t he push himself to kiss him?

Jungkook learns maybe he finds men appealing but he can’t have more with them.

So, he goes back into the dating game. Met girls all over during his tour stops; he met a foreign girl named Lily, a gorgeous girl with pretty blonde hair and pale skin. But they didn’t click. He oddly felt like they weren’t ever on the same page. Then he went to dinner with a gal named—okay. He forgot her name. But the way her dress hugged her ass made his mind go blank, so could he really be blamed? (The answer is yes.) Oh! What about that girl whose name is similar to a hurricane? She had long, dark hair that matched her lengthy lashes that fluttered over her supple cheeks when she sucked his—

Nonetheless, it’s a dud again. He’s still lonely, he sadly confesses, but all of this is too much for him to process. He’s tired of getting his heart broken. He’s exhausted from meeting girls who first claimed that they’re not obsessed then actually are. He’s worn out of the ones who don’t love him for him, but love him for his fame.

Jungkook just wants to be loved for being… Jungkook.

And when he encounters you, some graduate student who spends majority of her days in between the activities of face dug into a textbook or eyes glued onto a computer screen, he thinks he’s back to where he was before this lifestyle. Jungkook finds himself swooning, desperately wishing for your touch and kisses, but there’s just one thing he doesn’t quite know.

Do you like Jungkook for Jungkook? Or do you like the ideal version of him that sings on stage, tossing off his shirt with his abs flexing while the crowd screams his name once more, all while the veins in his neck pop when he reaches that high note?

Or do you like Jungkook, the one who still doesn’t understand the difference between an orange and clementine, the one who still has trouble knowing when a potato is thoroughly cooked, and why his socks came out of the wash in this weird pinky shade when they definitely went in as white.

So… which is it? Which Jungkook are you interested in?

[candychronicles]

heavens // t. keigo/hawks

A/N: my take on the roommates theme for the bnharem collab! honestly didn’t know where i was going with this one and it seems a bit random/rushed so i apologize in advance but hope you enjoy nonetheless! 

CHARACTER PAIRING: Takami Keigo/Hawks x F!Reader

WORD COUNT: 3,491

WARNINGS: oral (f!receiving), some language 

SYNOPSIS: despite his growing popularity, you two remained steady roommates, which confused you to no end. what was his true motive in keeping you around? 

And they were roommates! Click here to read more!

Hawks was an interesting character to say the least. when you first moved in, you weren’t all too sure what to expect. he was, at the time, a fairly popular hero, but nowhere near the status he held today. he was charming, suave, friendly and it seemed genuine at the time. things went downhill quick though as his popularity rose and along with it, his annoying, god-like tendencies. 

what you didn’t understand was why he kept you around after all this time. you didn’t necessarily need to live with him still, but as he got more popular and therefore gained more money, the areas he lived in grew nicer and nicer until you were on a gorgeous top floor penthouse with a stunning view, all for the price of your original, dingy apartment. what you could afford on your own would be nowhere near the luxury that he was offering. that’s why you stayed, but you weren’t sure why he offered to let you continue to stay with him after all this time.

sure, you were friends, got along for the most part and when you didn’t, stayed out of each other’s hair, but he didn’t owe you anything and you certainly didn’t want to feel like you were in his debt. yet something attracted the two of you together continuously despite it all. 

what you didn’t know was that Hawks very much enjoyed having you around. you’d deny it until you were blue in the face but he heard one too many times you touching yourself in your bedroom, muffled moans matching those of the girl or guy he was fucking that night. he often did his best to give you a show, cursing, spitting, hitting, anything he could do to rile you up, get you to hear the lewd sounds coming from the apartment. you acted like you didn’t know what he was talking about, scoffed when he invited you to join him or give you his own private show and acted like you didn’t know he was doing that all on purpose just to tease you. 

truth be told, you pushed all those thoughts aside when it came to him. he was attractive, very much so, and also very unattainable, in your eyes anyways. his god-like complex was annoying at times but also very warranted. he was popular with everyone he met-children, women, men, the elderly, hell, you don’t think he ever met a dog that didn’t like him. he was strong, powerful, commanding of the quirk he weld so well. his personality was nothing short of smooth, like honey over ice cream melting on your tongue. you felt so incredibly drawn to him that your brain absolutely shut out any idea of it, giving yourself no hope that he would ever reciprocate the pure feelings of desire you felt towards him. after awhile, your convincing became reality and you began to question everything, desperate to detach yourself from his enigmatic ways. 

hey sweetheart, will be gone for most of the day. left some money for groceries and a little extra for whatever you want. don’t miss me too much

-H

you scoffed at the note pasted to your refrigerator, neon pink glaring at you in the morning sun trickling from the balcony window. he had been gone a lot lately, sometimes bringing home people at night, mostly crashing straight on the couch before he had even gotten a chance to change clothes. you acted like you didn’t miss him, miss his presence, the lingering touches that you swore were just him being an ass and making fun of you, but in reality, you missed the hell out of him. the domesticity that he showed when it was just you two vulnerable late at night, tired from a hard day of work, it made you realize that he wasn’t a god all the time after all.

that thought didn’t change your mind about his attainability, however. in fact, it only seemed to spur your ideals on more, convincing yourself that a man who could be so vulnerable and yet so strong was one who deserved more than what you could give. it would never be you and you were content with that fact, or so you thought.

your day was long and grueling, working patrols and small missions as a pro hero. you were likeable enough but when it came down to it, you didn’t care to be popular, didn’t care to make a ton of money or be interviewed by dozens of people a month. you just wanted to do your job and keep people safe and at the end of the day, that was what you accomplished. 

it was nearly midnight when you returned home, the elevator dinging closed behind you as you walked into the penthouse. the lights were still off, everything in place from this morning, which meant that Hawks had not arrived home yet despite him being gone for nearly the whole day. anger bubbled up underneath your skin. you knew he didn’t owe you anything, you knew you were nothing more than roommates, but sometimes feeling so isolated and alone in this big space with no one to talk to or do anything with left you antsy and annoyed. in simple frustration and retaliation, you locked the balcony window, forcing him to come up the elevator like a dignified man, bringing his nightly fuck in through the lobby instead of sneaking them inside like he often did.

it was nearly six am before you were woken up to a loud thud, the door smacking against the wall. you sighed, allowing yourself to calm down before you tried to go back to bed, but before you got a chance, a knock sounded at your door.

“what?” you asked irately, not in the mood to entertain him and his antics.

“why’d you lock the balcony window?” he asked simply, arms crossed. 

as you sat up to answer, you noticed his calm demeanor not so calm anymore. his chest was flaring up and down, body wobbly, and he reeked of alcohol.

“so much for a calm night,” you muttered. “i locked the door because i didn’t want to hear you fucking any of your whores while i was trying to sleep.”

“oh baby, you know you like it, like the sounds i make, the words i say. all you have to do is admit it and i can be all yours.”

“you wish bird brain,” you spat back at him, done with the conversation as you shimmied yourself back into bed, pulling the covers up to your chin and promptly shutting your eyes, ignoring the feeling of his stare burning into your brain.

“i do wish. i wish it were you i was fucking. i’ve wished that since the day i met you, all excited and doe eyed, ready to take on the world and all of its challenges. you never let my fame get in the way, never treat me any differently. you’ve been by my side throughout it all and yet you won’t let me get too close to you. why is that? afraid i’ll break your heart little one?”

you sat back up again quickly only to realize that he had moved to the foot of your bed. he sat down, taking off his boots and shucking them on the floor only to crawl practically into your lap, snuggling into your thigh.

“i won’t break your heart. i’ll only hurt you if you want me to, which i know you do, at least a little bit. but i’d n-never hurt your heart. you’re too precious for that princess, so sweet to me, so so angelic. and yet i can hear your moans through the walls, practically feel you arching off your bed as you chased your high, desperate for a release, wishing it were me who was touching you instead of your own fingers. i can do that you know. all you need to do is say the magic word and i’m yours. no more fucking other people, just me and you. i’ll spoil you rotten, anything you could possibly want and it’s all yours. you’d never have to worry about a thing again, yeah? what do you say?”

your heart hitched into your throat at his babbling confession. surely he wasn’t serious, right? it must’ve been the alcohol talking. you knew that if you said yes he was just going to tease you and tell you that he was joking and never wanted to see you ever again. you were just sure of it… but, in the off case that he was being serious… you couldn’t mess this up.

“yeah, okay,” you replied, voice hitching in your throat as you agreed with him.

you waited a few seconds for the harsh sting of a reply but nothing came. you cast your eyes down to see Hawks passed out, clinging to you as if his life depended on it. sighing, you flopped back down onto the bed, heels of your palms pressed into your eye sockets, brain full of thoughts as you tried to sift through your feelings. eventually you just gave up and passed out against the cool sheets of your bed, too tired to deal with the emotional turmoil you were putting yourself through.

when you woke up the next morning, Hawks was no longer against your thigh but rather plastered to your side. you weren’t sure how you ended up being spooned by the lanky man but it wasn’t necessarily the first time you had cuddled. your brain began working against you almost immediately, convincing yourself that the previous night's events were nothing more than a drunken spur from your roommate and that he did not, in fact, want to be with you.

with those thoughts in mind, you began to wiggle your way out of his grasp, nearly making it out of bed before you felt a hand shoot out and grab you by the wrist. 

“where are you going beautiful? sleep with a man and then ditch him before he even gets a chance to wake up? how heartless of you.”

“oh shut up, you know damn well that we did not sleep together. in fact, you came in here at six in the morning just to simply annoy the hell out of me. now that’s what i call heartless.”

“we didn’t sleep together but we could’ve,” he teased, fingers rubbing gently up and down your arm as he attempted to coax you back into bed, but your mind worked on overdrive, simply not believing that he was interested in you at all. 

“why do you always like to make fun of me, huh? does it give you some sick satisfaction to dangle hope like that in front of my face only to snatch it away from me if i ever say yes?” you spat, getting sick and tired of his games.

“princess, i’m not lying to you, nor am i making fun of you. i would never offer something like this if i wasn’t serious. i want to take care of you in any way i can-emotionally, sexually, financially, anything you need, i want to give it to you. i was trying to drop you hints, give you the space to come to your own conclusions but it seems that i miscalculated how that pretty little brain of yours works. instead of believing that i was seriously flirting with you, it seems as if you thought that i was making fun of you instead. how funny that the mind works like that sometimes. i must admit i was a fool for not seeing it sooner, but now it makes so much sense.”

“what are you rambling on about?” you asked, furrowing your brow in confusion as you tried to make sense of the fact that he was not only dead serious about wanting to be with you but also psychoanalyzing your thoughts at the same time.

“how you would always get mad when i brought people home but never said anything to me, how you always scoffed at my sweet words, would never take money from me despite me leaving it very clearly for you, never getting too close to me despite living together for years. i’m honestly dumbfounded that i didn’t realize sooner. you’ve been in love with me for a long time too, huh? except, unlike me, you truly never thought you had a chance.”

“u-uh, yeah, i-i just, Keigo, what are you really trying to say to me?”

“sweetheart, be mine, wholly and fully in every way possible. let me take care of you like i’ve always wanted, always tried to do. this isn’t some joke or elaborate ruse, i’m not lying to you or trying to hurt you in any way. i really, truly want to be with you.”

you exhaled heavily, not realizing you had been holding your breath the whole time, searching his eyes for any sign of a lie, not finding anything except sincerity and hope.

“okay,” you relented, nodding your head. “yeah, if you say you’re not lying to me, i’ll trust you. i just, i don’t know. i never realized that you actually liked me back. i never would’ve guessed it in a million years. never would’ve thought i would hear any words like that come out of your mouth let alone so sincerely.”

you looked down, twiddling your thumbs as you contemplated the situation once more, but before you could let your brain get the best of you, Hawks placed his slender fingers underneath your chin, lifting your face up so that you could peer at him. he leaned forward slowly, foreheads pressed together.

“is it okay if i kiss you?”

you nodded your head, squeaking out a quiet “yes” before surging forward to place your lips on his, desperate to feel him, desperate to quiet the negative voices in your head and surround yourself with him instead.

he matched your pace eagerly, wrapping his hand around the back of your neck to pull you forward even more, his own desperation leaking through the kiss. he was so enamored with you, the way you smelt, your mussy hair, the sparkle in your eyes, the feeling of your soft lips against his own. it was almost too much to handle. he hadn’t been with anyone in awhile, preferring to wait it out and confront you when he had the courage to do so, and he felt himself getting more and more antsy as time went on. he wanted to respect you, treat you with the dignity and honor that you deserved, but in that moment, all he wanted to do was ruin you and mark you as his own.

“baby, you need to tell me if i go to far, yeah? i just want to make you feel good, never uncomfortable. let me take care of you like you deserve,” he panted, adjusting himself closer to you.

“i trust you Keigo. i’m yours.”

he groaned at the sound of you, of how pathetic and weak you were towards him, how you trusted to be vulnerable around him, trusted that he would take care of you. he had never wanted to ruin anything so badly in his life and he was going to do his best to make sure you knew you were his.

the kisses turned more sensual, tongues dipping in and around each other, exploring one another for what felt like the first time ever. for you, it had been awhile, telling yourself that you were too busy to be sexual with someone else when in actuality you had been craving a certain blonde all along. for him, this was something entirely new and special. he never got the chance to be truly intimate with anyone, let his guard down, want to please his partner more than himself, but you were different, special in the fact that you loved him for him and no other reason than that. 

“please Keigo, i need more,” you whined, fisting at his shirt as you tried to pull him impossibly closer to your body. 

“anything for you princess.” 

his shirt came off first, a delicate process he mastered years ago. he reached for your own shirt, fingers playing at the hem as he once again asked permission. you replied by pulling it off yourself, exposing your breasts to him. he immediately latched onto your left nipple, hand coming up to pinch the right, gently coaxing you to lay back down on the bed as he followed, hands and mouth never leaving your body. he laved you with his tongue, leaving a trail of cool moisture in its wake, sucking and biting at every soft spot he could think of, wanting so hard to hear you moan. 

“that’s it baby, don’t be shy. i want to hear you moan, say my name.”

you responded with a groan as his hand came to rest on your clothed cunt, feeling the wetness through your shorts. he smirked at the realization that you did truly want him as bad as he wanted you and the thought had his cock straining in his pants. it wasn’t long before he had freed himself from his confines, watching the way your eyes drank up the sight of him through the filtered light. 

gently, you reached out your hand to paw at his cock, marveling in the way it twitched at the slightest touch. you were enamored by him, all of him. before you kneeled a greek god willing to worship you, a mere mortal. you didn’t know what you did to deserve this but you figured you’d spend the rest of your life thanking the heavens.

“don’t worry about me right now, yeah? let’s just focus on making you feel good,” he cooed, reaching down to gently tug at your shorts.

you lifted your hips up without question, allowing him to pull the fabric down your body, your underwear coming along with it. he greedily watched as your slick stringed against the fabric before snapping. he was amazed that he could make someone so wet just by kissing them and was more than curious to see how soaked he could get you by the end of the morning.

he slowly dropped himself down to the edge of the bed, positioning himself between your thighs. kisses were placed to the soft flesh on your legs, pinching and nipping along the way, relishing in the squeals and moans you let out of your mouth. experimentally, he licked up your slit, watching how your breath hitched and your hands grasped the sheets below you, desperate to hold onto something. he licked again, this time using one of his hands to hold you down and the other to come and open you up. you responded immediately, back attempting to arch off the bed at the already intense situation.

he started up a steady pace, watching each little movement, breath, moan, grasp of the blanket to analyze what you liked best. he was enraptured with you, everything about you. you were so strong, fighting crime like it was nothing, doing anything you could to keep citizens safe and yet here you were, putty in his hands, baring your heart for him, trusting that he would take care of you.

the pressure inside of you slowly built up. it was like an intense heat you had never felt before, white hot and pulsing inside your abdomen. you clutched the sheets, your thighs, his hair, anything you could to purchase yourself to this earth as he brought you closer and closer to the promised land. finally, with one final lick, you came, crying out his name in a symphony of praises, singing to the high heavens.

he watched as you came done around his tongue, how your breath labored, eyes screwed shut, face flush and face twisted in pure pleasure. it was a magnificent sight to see, you so relaxed and carefree, enjoying every feeling that flooded over you.

when you had finally come down and your breathing began to even out, you opened your eyes to find Keigo still nestled between your thighs, head resting gently on you.

“how are you feeling love?” he asked, pressing a kiss to your hip.

“like i just left this world and came back,” you answered truthfully, laughing at his proud expression.

“are you okay? is there anything i can get for you?”

“no, Keigo, i think i’m okay,” you answered truthfully.

for the first time in a long time, you felt at ease. your body was relaxed, your mind foggy from the pleasure and you had the man you loved staring up at you like you were the only thing in this world that mattered.

“good, i’m glad you’re okay because we’re not done here. lay back down baby bird, let me make you feel good.”

[missmentelle]

Let’s talk about Instagram “influencer” culture. 

My younger brother and his girlfriend are Instagram influencers. They aren’t household names with a million fans apiece, but they each have a decent following. They’ve been featured in various lists and roundups of people whose lives and relationships are #goals, and they both earn a steady income from Instagram. Not enough to make a full-time living, but enough to make pouring hundreds of hours into their Instagram careers worth their while. 

Despite being so close to an Instagram influencer - several of the most popular photos on my brother’s account were taken by me - I have some serious qualms about Instragram “influencer” culture as a whole. I studied the impact of platforms like Instagram in graduate school - I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology, and I spent part of my time in grad school working with a professor who studies the impact of social media on mental health. A recent study found that out of all social media platforms, Instagram is the worst for your mental health. I’ve also had the chance to see firsthand what a life lived on Instagram has meant for my brother, and the toll it continues to take on him. 

So what makes Instagram influencer culture so toxic for both the people who create it and the people influenced by it? For starters: It’s faker than you think. Instagram stars intentionally market themselves as “authentic” and “real” - you are led to believe that you are getting an unfiltered glimpse into someone’s daily life as you follow along with their pictures and their daily stories. In reality, however, a huge amount of time, effort and money goes into the images you see. My brother and his girlfriend take hundreds of photos in order to get one or two shots worthy of posting. Outings are often little more than photoshoots; a “hike” is often just a short walk to a scenic location, followed by hours of photos. Ditto for ice skating, beach days and photos from music festivals. They don’t get to enjoy many of the activities they are depicted doing with big smiles on Instagram, because the focus is on capturing the perfect photo. Photos are often planned weeks in advance, vacations are booked based on which locations will make the best backdrops, and the fancy food in their pictures often goes cold while they get the perfect shot. The fact that they want to create beautiful images is not an issue - after all, the pictures in many mainstream ads are stunning. The issue is that they’re specifically pretending not to be models or advertisers; they are intentionally leading you to believe that what you’re seeing is candid daily life. Which leads me to...

It presents unattainable ideals as everyday life. Instagram influencers roll out of bed in perfect and tastefully-decorated apartments, eat nutritious and visually stunning meals, and lead full, active lives of glamour and adventure. Their skin is never flawed, their hair never out of place, and their outfits never tacky. Again, this isn’t a problem if you are creating an advertisement or a TV show - something that your viewers know is manufactured to look perfect - but Instagram stars hinge their success on pretending that that level of non-stop perfect is their average, daily life. In reality, my brother’s girlfriend piles dirty laundry and books in her bathtub so that her bedroom looks “minimalist” in her photos, and the two of them post weeks-old starry-eyed couple photos with gushy captions even when they are on the verge of breaking up. Influencers themselves tend to be young, attractive, white, thin, able-bodied, middle-class cis people - an ideal that is already unattainable for most people - and yet they present themselves as totally average people. When flaws and problems are revealed, it’s often in a very controlled way, and generally tied in with some kind of pithy advice or mantra. Which brings us to...

It encourages people with no credentials to hand out “expert” advice. This is probably one of the most damaging aspects of influencer culture. 22-year-olds with absolutely no formal training in nutrition, mental health, medicine, dermatology or fitness are handing out “expert” wellness advice - or even designing diets, skincare routines, and workout regimens for others - and feeling increasingly comfortable doing it. Vulnerable people who may have very serious issues lap this advice up, regardless of how unsound or untested it may be; after all, these influencers appear to have perfect lives, and it’s easy to assume that they must know the secrets of health, happiness and clear skin. There are a couple of huge problems with this. For one, many people aren’t actually aware of why they are successful - if a conventionally attractive cis white woman whose parents financially support her tells you that the secret to avoiding stress is meditation and mud masks, you should be skeptical of that advice. People in positions of relative privilege are often blind to the many advantages they have, and will attribute their success to their “wellness routines” or “positive thinking”, rather than the social advantages that are not available to many of their followers. Also, influencers are often peddling advice that they themselves do not follow. My brother’s girlfriend makes money by selling advice on how to make a full-time living while travelling the world, despite the fact that she isn’t actually able to do that. Many influencers who promote extremely restrictive diets and health regimes have admitted that they themselves do not follow these diets. People who are feeling deeply insecure about their bodies, relationships, careers, lifestyles and productivity are turning to advice from people who aren’t qualified to help. And why does every Instagram star suddenly seem to be offering themselves up as a “wellness” expert? It’s because...

It exists to sell you things, while pretending otherwise. As much as the influencer community presents itself as being all about “authenticity”, “expression”, “empowerment”, or “wellness”, at the end of the day, it is all about trying to sell you things, even if that means exploiting your deepest insecurities. A company that employs plus-sized models to represent their $90 leggings is still a company that, at the end of the day, is trying to sell you $90 leggings, and if they have to pay someone to convince you that these leggings are the only thing standing between you and finally loving your body and having the courage to chase your dreams, then that’s exactly what they are going to do. It is an advertisement, dressed up as self-help and inspiration from an ordinary person who just wants you to succeed. If you find that you feel bad about yourself after a couple of minutes of scrolling through your instagram feed, that’s the impact that the app is meant to have on you. People who are completely satisfied with themselves and their lives don’t buy things they don’t need - making you feel like your life should be better is the key to selling you a wide variety of products. 

Does all this mean that Instagram is evil, or that influencers are bad people? Of course not. They are people trying to make money through self-expression, and many produce interesting and engaging content. Many of them are very young, and may not think about the impact that they might be having on their followers. I certainly don’t think that any of them set out to deceive people. But it is important to think critically about the media we consume, the purpose of that media, and the message it carries. I have known many people, both personally and professionally, who find that they feel worse about themselves after spending an afternoon scrolling through social media, and I think it’s important for all of us to examine why that may be, and take steps to protect our own mental health.

[httpjeon]

— club ardor masterlist

ot7/reader | smut, fluff, angst | fake dating!au, date-for-hire!au

ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ: a new dating service opened up in seoul. it’s rumored to be exclusive to the rich and elite. the most enticing part of the agency is its seven dreamy bachelors. for a small price, you get to be with the man of your dreams. only for a night.

ᴄʟᴜʙ ᴀʀᴅᴏʀ: 𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐍 ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇᴅ: 𝟐/𝟏𝟒/𝟐𝟎

— date for hire: the boyfriend type

GOOD TO ME

kim namjoon/reader | fluff, smut

synopsis: club ardor holds a special raffle for a free night with a man who will supposedly be the boyfriend of your dreams. you definitely don’t expect to win.

what to expect: the boyfriend service offers an ideal boyfriend companion. namjoon will take you on a date in a believable boyfriend scene.

*perfect for beginners just starting out in the dating-for-hire service!

— read here

— date for hire: the romantic

MINE FOR TODAY — coming february 16, 2020

kim seokjin/reader | fluff, smut, angst

synopsis: deciding to snag a date with a bachelor while an incredible deal is going on, you wind up with every waking moment being plagued with the thought of seokjin. there’s just something about him that you can’t let go.

what to expect: if you’re a hopeless romantic, Seokjin is perfect for you! expect the ideal love and romance it seems only girls in fiction get to experience! it’s hard not to fall in love with this handsome man.

— read here

— date for hire: the cold type

HIGH HOPES — coming soon

min yoongi/reader | fluff, smut, angst

synopsis: you meet a kind man at the cafe you work at and he leaves a card for a “free date” with yoongi from club ardor.

what to expect: sometimes a man just has a way of making you feel small, like you want to open his shell and make him love you. yoongi’s a hard case to crack. his sharp gaze will leave your cheeks burning.

— read here

— date for hire: the playboy

ONLY ONCE — coming soon

jeon jungkook/reader | fluff, smut, angst | college!au

synopsis: jungkook’s scenes are legendary for being hard — some women can’t even get through it. you’re convinced to take the date with him, completely unaware of what you’re getting yourself into.

what to expect: if you like the chase, jungkook is perfect for you. in a perfectly cultivated scene, you’ll feel the competition of trying to win the heart of a seemingly unattainable man.

* recommended for a girl with thick skin.

— read here

— date for hire: the soft type

SOFT LAUGHTER — coming soon

jung hoseok/reader | fluff, smut | neighbor!au

synopsis: after an ugly breakup with your (ex) boyfriend, who leaves you insecure and hurt, you find a free voucher for a night with “the soft type” from club ardor.

what to expect: hoseok has a way of bringing brightness and happiness to those around him. if you find yourself in need of a man who will make you feel like the center of the universe, call on him!

— read here

— date for hire: the bad boy

SEOUL RUSH — coming soon

park jimin/reader | smut, angst | street racer!au

synopsis: wanting to spice up your suffocating lifestyle, you decide to try a night with jimin of club ardor — a man notorious for his adrenaline-run life.

what to expect: if you have a need for excitement, jimin will certainly give you a rush. scenes with him are exhilarating and wild. he’ll have your heart racing and leave your body wanting more.

— read here

— date for hire: the alpha male

YOU MAKE ME WANNA — coming soon

kim taehyung/reader | fluff, smut | rich!au

synopsis: you meet the most exquisite man you’d ever seen in your life. he leaves you breathless and wanting more. when you gather the courage to ask for his number, he gives you a strange card with instructions instead.

what to expect: scenes with taehyung are intense. his controlling hands and deep voice leave you bending to his will. don’t let your eyes wander, he’s more than willing to show everyone you’re his.

* best suited for experienced clients

— read here

©  httpjeon 2019. do not repost, modify, or translate.